April 3, 2012

The SCRAWl The SCRAWl The SCRAWlthe fake StUDeNt NeWSPaPeR Of BethaNy LUtheRaN COLLege • MaNkatO, MiNNeSOta

-$4,236.00

By Gale HawthorneScrawl Staff Writer

After nearly a year of care-ful deliberation, the deci-

sion has been made to set a date for the groundbreaking ceremony of a new men’s dormitory building.

This choice has been the subject of high consider-ation since the completion of Edgewood Place, argu-ably the most luxurious option for women choosing to live on campus. The deci-sion was finally agreed upon when an in-depth review was made of on-campus versus off-campus living trends for men.

“The percentile of men opting to live off campus is steadily increasing, and they are doing so for vari-ous reasons,” explained Rick Jamesfield, the hous-ing department’s elected spokesperson. “But, when surveyed, the overwhelming portion of these students’ reasoning for their move was the lack of desirable accom-modations oncampus.”

Student Housing has real-ized this trend since late 2008 and has since been pressing for either additional

living options or improve-ments to existing ones within the men’s dormito-ries. It is only a recent devel-opment that the board has taken an interest in the issue and began to make efforts toward its realization.

The first obstacle faced was the obvious complica-tion of financing. Many wanted to increase the

tuition of all incoming students over the next five years in order to raise sufficient funds, but this proposal was rejected fairly early in the process when it was pointed out that such a course of action may very well chase away even more students than sub-par living conditions. Betha-ny’s gracious alumni and

donors were also consid-ered as a means of accruing the necessary funding, and many did, if fact, rise up of their own accord to contrib-ute before being asked directly. However this, too, was ultimately rejected in favor of the final proposal.

“We simply decided not to plant flowers this year, or to buy fertilizer for the Green,

or to spend it on most of the other superficialities involved in dolling up the campus,” said spokeswoman of the board Gail Falkner. She continued “I would never have believed just how much money we pump into making this campus look glamorous, but now that I see this genuine trove I believe it may become something of a trend... All of our professors could take a sabbatical at once and we would still have enough financing to hire their substitutes.”

Another looming issue was the matter of the loca-tion for the building site. Space is limited, especially with Rudolph E. Honsey Hall now dominating the far end of the main college grounds. The notions of building over the soccer fields or the baseball diamond were both brought forth and rejected before it was realized that the structure could be built outward in addition to upward. The decision was agreed upon to begin clear-

Photo by La Lobo

Not all students are concerned with the correlation of the disappear-ance of Daniel Stark and the cadaver from Gross Anatomy. Alyssa Rau commented, ‘I still believe Bethany is a safe campus. I am sure Dan will eventually return.’

Photo by Daven Zarrent

Work crews begin to move in heavy equipment in preparation for the upcoming project as survey teams near completion. Clearing crews will move in next to pave the way for the ground crew to begin digging the struc-ture’s foundation.

By Caesar FlickermanScrawl Staff Writer

Everything is unnervingly still and silent, as a chilly

breeze causes the budding branches to sway back and forth like the monotonous motion of a metronome. The lights are switched off and the doors are locked, marking the end of another day at Bethany Lutheran College. All of the students lay their heads to rest and their minds are filled with excitement for the potential of tomorrow. Everything seems completely normal…until a dark, marauding figure trudges across the campus green.

Last Thursday night, two freshman girls coming back to Bethany from the midnight premiere of “The Hunger Games” reported to have seen a random figure cross in front of their path and walk into the forest of

trees behind Teigen Hall. As soon as they saw the curious sight, they hopped behind a clump of bushes, so that they would not be seen.

“It was a little unsettling to tell you the truth. I was on such a personal high after seeing the movie of a lifetime and then it was as if I, myself, was in the Hunger Games. My survival instincts told me to hide and I listened, because I was not about to walk up to whatever that was and intro-duce myself,” said Laura Anderson.

“Right after we saw it, I turned to Laura and found her in a trance. I mean she actually thought that she was Katniss Everdeen. From that point on, I didn’t know what to be more worried about: Laura or the creepy man walking around campus late at night,” said Kaitlyn Stark.

The following day, the report spread like wildfire to faculty, staff and student body alike. Some thought that it could possibly be the Boogeyman, but then they remembered that they stopped believing that he existed when they were 10. Others thought that maybe Bigfoot got lost and was trying to find his way back to the Northwoods. No matter how hard they tried to investigate the matter, they could not get any closer to the truth.

“Immediately after I heard that there was someone stalking around campus at night, I sprinted to my room, got under my covers, and hugged my Tenderheart Care Bear. I mean it was 10 a.m. at the time, but you can never be too safe, right?” said sophomore Andrew

Shadowy figure spotted pacing the green at night, students baffled

Construction to commence on new men’s dorm

See page 2, CADAVER

See page 2, DORM

2 THE SCRAWL

April 3, 2012

By Haymitch AbernathyScrawl Staff Writer

Warming air, the first few rain showers of

the year, the Green becom-ing green once again... some might say that spring is in the air, but that’s not all that the changing weather is bringing back. Freshmen Dynamo Days is nearly upon us once more.

This year the event is to take place over the week of April 9-13. All freshmen students are encouraged to participate in the week-long experience, but students of any age are invited to join in. It’s expected to be quite an array this year, espe-cially with the new influx

of creativity and talent that we have seen in some of the new incoming students.

For those unfamiliar with the event, BLC Freshmen Dynamo Days is a tradition inspired by past students. It began several years ago

with a small group of fresh-men students who dressed up according to a particu-lar theme on prearranged days throughout the school year. While this occasionally caused quite a disruption, students and faculty alike

fell in love with the simplic-ity and the silliness.

For those reasons, the holi-day was formally established to give those students, and others, a chance to break free from the norm, be creative and simply have

fun.The Days committee

wishes to respectfully remind all students to uphold Bethany’s standard of ethics with dress, even on themed days.

ing and partially leveling the hillside ravine between Old Main and Teigen Hall this upcoming Summer, while the dominant portion of students and faculty are away on break.

The board is now in contact with multiple third-party contractors and near-ing the end of the selection process. While not yet final-ized, one agency, Donovan Enterprises Ltd., stands apart and is likely to be the selected candidate. When called for a comment, Dono-van respectfully declined a personal interview, but forwarded a brief letter and copy of a simplified blueprint of the proposed residence hall. The former simply stated “Take a good look, then marvel.”

The computer rendered images of the new build-ing itself, however, were far more indicative of genius. Four stories in all,

including the ground floor and walk-out basement, the structure rivals and potentially surpasses all others on campus. Accord-ing to the diagram, it will literally be built into the hill-side, accommodating and incorporating the natural gradient of the landscape as a design feature, rather than a design obstacle. Each successive floor will be slightly smaller in square footage than the previous owing to the slant of the hill. The highest will be the “ground level” floor, and the “second” and “third” levels will project downward and partially into the hill. The “basement” level will end in a comparatively small floor which will act as a general recreation and lounging area for residents. It will also open to the outside world with an enclosed, patio-style balcony at ground level.

The specific amenities within each room are still in the process of debate, but

Jamesfield from housing furnished us with what has already been decided upon:

“The first two floors will each consist of four sprawl-ing apartment-style suites, each with their own three quarter bathrooms, full kitchenettes, living spaces and pair of small bedrooms. The current intent is for these to be shared suites between at least two and as many as four students.” He continued, “We also realize that there are students who wish to have a space unto themselves. As administra-tors, we strive to meet the needs of our students.”

He went on to explain that the third level would contain six more apartment suites, each built with the same amenities but with slightly smaller areas and a single bedroom, intended for use by individual students.

The exact date of comple-tion is not yet set, but the general consensus of both the contractors and the

board is that it should near completion and be ready to house its first tenants in the fall of the 2013-2014 school year. The board will also be accepting nominations for the naming of the build-ing starting next fall. An announcement will be made early next year regarding submissions.

Student Housing is confi-dent that this decision to build will return many students who have moved off-campus back to the close-knit atmosphere of Bethany campus proper. It is difficult to argue, for applications are already being entered by a host of students competing for the opportunity to be among the first to live in the new hall. If you wish to be among them, contact either your Resident Manager, RA, or a member of the Housing team to begin the applica-tion process.

Asp.“There is no reason to

be afraid of things that go bump in the night. Every-one is getting all worked up over nothing. I went and played poker with the man last night. He was a really nice guy. I did forget to ask him who he was though,” said freshman Logan Hoppe.

In spite of all of the

mindless deliberation and accusation that washed over the campus, there is one conclusion that rose above the rest. Senior Daniel Stark believed that the mysterious man could actually be the cadaver being dissected in his Gross Anatomy course come to life. Immediately after this was suggested, a mass of students rushed to the biology lab, only to find that the cadaver was gone.

All that was left in its place was a mere deck of cards.

To make matters worse, Stark went missing the next day. Senior Craig Rossiter went to ask him if he wanted to play basketball and he found a piece of paper crumpled on the floor of his dorm room that said “Save yourse—“

“I had just talked to Dan earlier in the day and he had agreed to play. He

never misses out on hoops, so I knew something had to be terribly wrong.” said Rossiter.

From that day until the present, Bethany has been on high alert, keeping a constant watch for the return of the cadaver. Stark is still nowhere to be found, but something interesting happened last night. Asp, who had finally left his room after five days, Care Bear

in tow, spotted two stealthy figures roaming the green.

“At first, I let out a wild shriek, but then I regained my composure, hugged my Care Bear and tried to get a better look. One of the men fit the description of the cadaver, but I couldn’t make out who the other one was. All I could see was that he was wearing a Bethany Resi-dential Life polo,” said Asp.

The Scrawl The fake STUDeNT

NeWSPaPeR Of BeThaNy LUTheRaN COLLege

MaNkaTO, MiNNeSOTa

Katniss EverdeenContent Editor

Primrose EverdeenPhotography Editor

Seneca CraneLayout Editor

Gary RossCopy Editor

Staff Writers:Gale Hawthorne, Caesar Flick-erman, Haymitch Abernathy, Katniss Everdeen, Primrose

Everdeen, President Snow, Gary Ross, Claudius Templesmith, Suzanne Collins, Gary Ross, Peeta Mellark, Effie Trinket

Photographers: Primrose Everdeen, Daven

Zarrent, La Lobo, Kylee Woller, Maggie Poor, Madison Paur,

Pope Benedict XV, Jordan Michaels, Michael Phelps,

Harbor Mosley

Designers:Seneca Crane, Rina Mosley, Jonni Steffer, Effie Trinket,

Gale Hawthorne, Amy Warden, Daven Zarrent

Scroll Advisors:Chuck Norris, Kylee Woller

All content copyright ©2012Published bi-monthly

Continued from page 1

Continued from page 1

CADAVER: Ghastly creature gives students goosebumps

DORM: Groundbreaking ceremony planned for 2012

Freshmen Dynamo Days event is back once again

THE SCRAWL

3April 3, 2012

Campus Q&AWhat is your

greatest fear?

By President Snow

Justin BieberPeople constantly mistaking me for a boy.

Jennifer AnistonAnswering to the name ‘Rachel’ in public.

Miley CyrusBeing asked to host a party in the PRC (the People’s Republic of China).

Barack ObamaMichelle...

Robert PattinsonBeing coerced into watching the “Blade” trilogy.

David Zarrett

Just how much wood do you think the woodchuck chucked?If he was American, probably too much.What is your most prominent memory of a childhood mishap?My sister and I “locked” ourselves out of our house... which was unlocked.It’s the Zombie Apocalypes. Who would you choose for a companion?Batman.What is the most important thing you have learned from a cartoon character?Wile E. Coyote taught me to perservere, no matter how many mistakes you make.If you were given a $20 bill, how would you spend it?I would wait until “Boneless Thursdays” at Buffalo Wild Wings to use it up.

Katrina Muehlenhardt

Just how much wood do you think the woodchuck chucked?

Probably about half a forest of wood.

What is your most prominent memory of a childhood mishap?

I broke my arm falling down the stairs due to losing my balance.

It’s the Zombie Apocalypes. Who would you choose for a companion?

My younger sister because she likes zombie movies and knows how to stop them.

What is the most important thing you have learned from a cartoon character?

I have no clue.

If you were given a $20 bill, how would you spend it?

I would save it, either for a cedar chest or for graduate school.

Freshmen Files

By Primrose EverdeenScrawl Staff Writer

Most people would cringe at the idea of

waking up at 4 a.m. to work out, let alone working out up to five times a day, but that’s what senior Kalie Staples does each week.

Following family tradi-tion, Staples chose to attend Bethany like many of her family members, includ-ing her brothers, parents, aunts, cousins and even her grandma.

At Bethany, Staples is involved in a range of activi-ties from photojournalism and yearbook to science club and being an RA. “I love the extracurriculars offered at Bethany. They have given me the opportu-nity to branch out into differ-ent areas around Bethany.”

Staples’ last semester is filled with extracurricu-lars as well as working as

a fitness intern at the Lake Crystal Area Recreation Center where she teaches fitness classes and works as a personal trainer.

“My classes at Bethany prepared me well for taking and passing the certification test to become a personal trainer. I have learned a lot at my internship and have had a blast doing it because it allows me to work not only one on one with people but also in small groups.”

When Staples is not work-ing or going to class, she likes to read, take pictures and scrapbook. After gradu-ation, Staples will be moving to Duluth, Minn., where she will attend St. Scholastica for the next three years as she works to get her doctor-ate in physical therapy. After graduation, Staples hopes to get married, work for a few years, and then return to school to get her masters in exercise physiology.

“I want to get both degrees because I have wanted to be a physical therapist since my fresh-men year of high school. I’ve recently added the idea of getting my masters because the classes really interest me and I’d be able to special in cardiac rehab. I think the next three years will challenge me more than anything before, but the classes for my masters will be more for fun.”

By Katniss EverdeenScrawl Staff Writer

Allison Homan is always reaching for dreams,

jumping where others would stand still, like bungy jump-ing in New Zealand, shop-ping in Sydney and being first generation college student.

During her short time at Bethany, Homan has taken advantage of many opportu-nities such as the Bethany Activities Committee, Scroll, Scholastic Leadership Soci-ety and Residential Life.

“For the past year and a half I’ve worked as Dr. Jenni-fer Wosmek’s teachers aide and it’s been beyond helpful.  I was able to see behind the scenes what being a profes-sor is like,” said Homan.

“I also studied abroad in New Zealand this past summer and worked as a student teacher. I still miss some of the students.  There was a little boy named Pakorn that would come give me hugs every morn-ing,” said Homan.  “I felt so guilty because one morn-ing I accidentally called him popcorn.”

After graduation Homan will be attending South Dakota State University in Vermillion, S.D., to earn her doctorate in school psychology. 

“I’m really nervous about the classes.  It feels weird to be graduating early, but

I never like to do anything half way,” said Homan.  “School was always easy for me, but for so many chil-dren it becomes a struggle and they turn away from it. I want to help change that.”

Before life becomes buried under books, Homan plans on having a few adventures this summer.

“A week after graduation I’m going to run in Tough Mudder.  It’s a 12-mile obsta-cle course with friends.  I’m so excited, what’s better than playing in the mud with your friends?” said Homan. “It’s definitely a time of change, but I think I’m ready for a new challenge.  I just signed a lease for an apart-ment and will be getting married to my fiancé, Matt VanMeveren, in August of next year.  I can’t wait to see what the next chapter of my life will bring.”

Photo by Kylee Woller

Kalie Staples (left) and Allison Homan.

Senior Spotlight: Homan, Staples

4 THE SCRAWL

April 3, 2012

By President SnowScrawl Staff Writer

Marriage and the Family has long been a popu-

lar course at BLC. After all, a well-rounded Bethany education isn’t complete until a wedding has been planned.

Some changes are being made for next year’s curric-ulum which are hoped to better instruct students in proper Christian wedding and family planning.

“The old curriculum was a good start, but hypotheti-cal scenarios aren’t enough

here,” said instructor Lynn Kessel. “From now on, students won’t be plan-ning a wedding with a class partner chosen at random. Instead they’ll be planning a wedding with their life partners.”

Every couple whose rela-tionship is public knowledge on campus (that is, every Bethany couple) will be required to take this course before graduation.

Kessel added, “These kids come here to meet their soulmates, not just to get a degree. We want our

courses to reflect that.”Senior Matt Meilner,

who will marry fiancée and Bethany graduate Emily Alberts this summer, said, “It’s awesome that they are changing the class. It makes a lot more sense than the earlier curriculum.”

“I wish they had done this earlier,” Alberts agreed. “This class really would have lessened the stress for me and Matt.”

Meilner and Alberts will miss out on another perk of the new curriculum which younger students welcome.

“Ashley and I are really excited to pass this class,” sophomore Reid Anderson said. “We are going to work hard to earn the most money possible for our wedding.”

Dean of students Bob Smiley explained, “This course teaches lessons about real life so we don’t see much value in giving the students a letter grade for their work. We decided that a monetary reward would be more true to life.”

The amount of money awarded will depend on each couple’s dedication to the

planning of their wedding and each partner’s receptive-ness to the other’s wishes. Each couple must use their cash reward on wedding related expenses.

Engaged couples can register for the improved Marriage and the Family course beginning April 9. Couples not yet engaged may register, but must become engaged on or before August 1 to keep their spot. See the course description at http://www.blc.edu/academics/courses/SOCL/201.

New curriculum for Marriage and the Family

By Gary RossScrawl Staff Writer

Every girl from Siberia, Russia to McMurdo,

Antarctica took a firm stance in the love triangle featured in the “Twilight” book saga. However, the supernatural love is not for everyone. There are some people that cannot go with-out looking at themselves in a mirror. For those people, Bethany is there to provide a safe alternative.

In the latest publication of the web magazine “School Induced Death,” readers can find a ranking of the best colleges to find a significant other. Bethany was ranked fourth in the private college ranking. Bethany joined number one rated Brigham Young University (Provo, Utah), University of Dallas

(Irving, Texas) and Univer-sity of Notre Dame (Notre Dame, Ind.).

“School Induced Death” stated, “Bethany Lutheran College has a rate of 71 percent of its graduates that leave either engaged or married. The rate of divorce from students from Bethany ranks the lowest of all other ranked colleges and univer-sities, with divorce affect-ing less than one percent of Bethany graduates.”

With its Lutheran values and faith-based learning, it instills the idea of love and marriage in relationships to what is written in the Bible. It provides learning specifically in the subjects of love and marriage to help students learn about a subject that is often distorted in the nation.

Many have found love either at or through Beth-any. That is something that one couple knows very well. Mark and Tracey Hill, 2009 graduates, have been married for two years.

“Bethany played a big role in bringing us together, more than the fact that we both attended Bethany. One thing BLC did was help-ing me to understand what I believe and to further my knowledge of what the Bible said about marriage. It was then that I started to take marriage seriously because it is something that needs to be understood beforehand rather than after,” said Mark Hill.

One thing Tracey Hill emphasized was beliefs in marriage because it helps with forming a close rela-

tionship. Her beliefs helped in her decision in finding someone she would be compatible and happy with.

While some may think that this is a well-deserved recognition, there is a fear that this will distract from the education that Bethany strives to provide.

History professor Simon Andersen stated, “This is a rating that students, poten-tial students and parents should completely ignore because what they should focus on is the education at where they are going. Something like this is nice but when it comes to how students should choose their college, it should be love of the college not of the heart.”

One potential freshman, Samantha Andrews from St. Paul, said, “Marriage is

always something that is at the back of my mind, so it may play a role in where I go to college next year, even though I do not think that it will be one of those key factors in deciding where I go.”

Additionally, those looking for love felt that they have been left out. Sophomore Virginia Wilsons stated, “I wish it would work for me, I have been here nearly two years and asked every boy in my class out, but every time they say they have something else to do. It is just so darn humiliating to go through this every single time I ask someone out.”

So, since a love triangle is a sin, Bethany may be a soul mate seeker’s dream.

Photo by Maggie Poor

Love is in the air. Many couples will now be spotted out on the green because the weather is so nice. Watch out singles, your days are numbered.

Colleges ranked among best for finding soulmate

THE SCRAWL

5April 3, 2012

By Claudius TemplesmithScrawl Staff Writer

The kayaker leans forward and takes a

paddle stroke to propel his boat forward into a slide. As the horizon begins to drop out from under him, he takes one final stroke and follows the flowing water into a free-fall. One small step for man, one short stroke for a paddler.

Colorado, Guatemala, Africa, Spain, Tibet: These are places known for adven-turous terrain and majes-tic waterfalls, trip tickets sought by many boat-ers looking to build their resumes. Now Minnesota has been added to that list.

A recent addition to the grounds of Bethany Lutheran College is bringing paddlers to Mankato. With the construction of Honsey Hall came a number of land-scaping improvements.

The class of 1961 paid for a waterfall to be installed behind the YFAC to comple-ment the surrounding river valley inspired rock features. For nearly two years students, staff and visitors alike have gazed at it in awe. They wonder, “Is it possible?” “Who will attempt it?” The answer to these questions came in the form of world-class paddler Steve Fisher.

Steve Fisher, a South Afri-can whitewater kayaker, has travelled the world in search of water features previously untouched by boaters. His accomplishments include a successful solo attempt of the notoriously dangerous 379 mile Stikine River in British Columbia and multi-ple world record breaking first descents of waterfalls, the most recent of which was 199 feet.

Fisher does not check off first descents for fame and

glory, but for the accom-plishment of conquering something never done before or thought impos-sible. So when he heard of a Mankato waterfall that had been perplexing visitors for nearly two years, Fisher called his sponsors for new gear and boarded the first plane out of Johannesburg.

“The dynamics of these falls are really interest-ing,” Fisher said. “The rocks, terraces and sweep-ing bottom turn took a lot of studying. A lot of boat-ers shy away from locations like this, but the best part of whitewater kayaking is find-ing a successful line that at first seems elusive.”

Those involved with plan-ning the new landscape features never expected the falls would turn into a desti-nation for extreme kayakers.

“The waterfall’s main purpose is utility,” explained groundskeeper Dan John-son. “We designed it to recycle some of the rainfall runoff and to break up the

monotony of Stonehenge and the other rocks mined from the Minnesota River Valley.”

While the flow of the foun-tain does not even register on the whitewater classifica-tion chart, a lot of time and thought went into minimiz-ing other obvious hazards.

“The most troublesome thing I noticed when scout-ing this feature were the sharp rocks lining the fall,” Fisher said. “Normally that wouldn’t make me too nervous, but since the water-way is so narrow it wouldn’t be forgiving if you choose the wrong line.”

Fisher’s head groupie Marla Buchanan said, “Since this feature is so easy to access, Fisher was able to descend segments of the waterfall a couple feet at a time to get a read on how to run it in its entirety. But even then we had to consider the possibility of him hitting the sides and flying off so we took all possible precautions for those trial runs.”

Because finding the right line for a successful descent depended largely on trial and error, it was decided that crash pads would be placed on either side of the fountain until Fisher could work out a strategy.

“That middle section was a little sketchy,” Fisher said. “I had planned to stop before going around the curve of the turn when I trial-ran that segment, but instead of the bow of my boat coming to a stop by bumping into the rocks that form the curve, it slipped right over them and I ended up with the front of my boat lodged under the stone bench. I was just able to pull my spray skirt and slip out before I got decapitated.”

A few hours later, after taking a break to ready himself mentally, Fisher carried his boat through a throng of onlookers, climbed to the top of the fountain and readied himself for the descent.

After his boof stroke (the

last paddle stroke before a free fall named for the sound a kayak’s hull makes when it hits the water) it took less than five seconds for Fisher to get to the bottom. He nimbly charged over each terrace even with the plas-tic hull of his boat scrap-ing against the rocks lining the falls, a testament to the amount of time he spent studying the fountain and the trial runs he took earlier in the day down the most difficult sections.

There was not a single onlooker who wasn’t impressed at Fisher’s performance.

Sophomore Marta Krause said, “It was amazing to watch. He’s so strong and brave. I like to canoe, but I would never consider doing this.

“That was epic,” said senior Kyle Damiano. “I’ve always wanted to try kayak-ing, but now I’m determined to get a boat and start train-ing so I can come back here and run this waterfall.”

Fisher responded to the praise: “I was so amped to hit the right line and make it down so smoothly; so many things could have gone wrong.

“But what I’m really excited about is the interest this first descent brought to kayaking. I’ve had so many of the people who came to watch tell me that they want to check out the sport. Now I can’t wait to get home and prepare for the next one.”

Since Fisher’s success, BLC has already noticed an increase in the number of visitors to campus. Because of the popularity of the foun-tain, the school plans to set designated boating times for a few days each month.

For information about availability and scheduling, visit www.blc.edu/paddle.

Photo by Madison Paur

Steve Fisher has kayaked all around the world, adding Bethany’s waterfall to the list. Since this event has become popular, Bethany has planned a designated boating time that will be scheduled each month for students and the community.

Pro paddler makes first descent at BLC

have a voice on campusWrite a letter to the Editor!

Submissions must be 250 to 500 words and

can be e-mailed to kalie.staples@blc.edu

T H E S T U D E N T N E W S PA P E R O F B E T H A N Y L U T H E R A N C O L L E G E

All letters and counterpoints are property of The Scroll once submitted and must be kept within BLC standards.

6 THE SCRAWL

April 3, 2012

By Gary RossScrawl Staff Writer

Would you ask Mitt Romney to teach a

class on socialism? Would Kim Jong Eun be the first person you would think of to give a lecture on capital-ism? Would you ever dream of Ayman al-Zawahiri, current leader of al-Qaida, giving a keynote on Israel’s statehood?

Bethany Lutheran College’s administration chose to follow this line of logic when selecting interim lecturer for the Life of Luther class, Rev. Don Rauscher, a.k.a. “Father Joe.”

The upper division reli-gion course, normally taught by Erling Teigen, is a quint-essential course for BLC, focusing on the life and works of the Great Reformer Martin Luther. Luther’s ideals caused a massive rift in the Roman Catholic

Church, causing the Thirty Years’ War between Catholic and Protestant states.

“I’m excited to teach the fine students here about the many facets of Luther’s life,” said Father Joe.

The decision to choose Father Joe as interim lecturer came down to Eric Lolwer, academic dean. He had consistently seen Father Joe in Memorial Library, and thought such a “book-learned scholar” would be a suitable candidate to fill in.

“Professor Teigen had some urgent matters back in the home country [Norway], so I don’t think one semes-ter of differing viewpoints will dramatically change the content of the course itself,” added Lolwer.

When informed of Lolw-er’s viewpoint, Father Joe responded, “He’s absolutely right. I have nothing but the truth to say about the Great Heretic. For instance,

did you know he was actu-ally born in what is now the modern day Czech Republic?”

Father Joe continued, “His role in German language unification is greatly over-exaggerated as well. The

last time I was in Switzer-land, the local news chan-nels had German subtitles as the anchors spoke German themselves. It’s like having English subtitles on that show about Cajun alligator catchers.”

Father Joe added, “Over-all, it is just very inconsis-tent. It just goes to show that using the vernacular is the worst way to worship. Latin liturgy all the way.”

No students have yet signed up for the class.

By Suzanne CollinsScrawl Staff Writer

The big screen, the glitz, the glamour, and many

of the most famous people are all centered in Holly-wood, but some of that glamour is finding its way to Bethany.

Bethany alum and film producer Richard Davis has cast Kirsten Dunst in an independent film he is work-ing on.

Dunst, best known from her role in the “Spiderman” trilogy, will be the lead in a yet untitled film scheduled to premier in early 2014.

“Without giving too much away, it is about a woman, played by Dunst, who runs a mission hospital in central Africa and her struggle to stop a genocide. She is battling both the soldiers committing the genocide and the foreign govern-ments that are reluctant to do anything about it,” said Davis.

Davis added, “I was thrilled to find out that Dunst was going to be part of this project. The cast-ing director called me and said that Dunst’s agent gave her the script and she loved it. Soon after, she came in and auditioned. She just embraced the character. She was perfect for the role.”

Davis has just finished securing funding and expects to start filming in late 2012 or early 2013, with the hope that it will be finished by late 2013 and play at the Sundance Film Festival.

Davis also announced that Bethany would have a hand in the production of the film.

“Over the past few months, I have been in contact with the Bethany Studio about having them do some of the post-production work. I really have a lot to thank Bethany for and this is just one of the ways I thought that I could do that. There are a lot of talented students at Bethany and I know that they will be able to do some great work,” said Davis.

Some of the ways Beth-any would help as Davis explained would be in making the opening and ending credits, some edit-ing, and some other stuff that is yet to be worked out.

Bethany’s studio director Steven Moffat said, “This is a great opportunity for students because it actu-ally gets them involved with the film making process. The film and movie indus-try are difficult to enter into and an early start can go a long way in making some contacts that will prove

very helpful later on. Even though we have so much for the students to work with, this just takes it to the next level.”

Moffat continued by saying that he hopes this will provide insight to students and show them that a lot goes into making a feature film. That it is not just something that is thrown on a screen; it takes hard work and time.

Freshman Joe Port added, “It is my dream to work in the film industry and this is just a great opportunity to work with people who have those contacts in the industry. I cannot wait to be

a part of something like this because it is a feature film.”

Port is especially excited to work on editing because for him, that is one of the most time consuming activi-ties in making a movie.

Davis finished by saying, “We just have a few things to finish up, like where we are going to film. Right now it looks like we may be able to go to South Africa, but that could change. We have to finish casting and a lot of other stuff. I am busy right now. It is a real dream come true.”

Photo by Pope Benedict XV

Bethany’s entire faculty is invited to be in the all campus photo taken at the beginning of the year. Father Joe is in the picture every year but this year he is pictured in the front and center as Bethany faculty.

Father Joe hired to teach Luther class

Hollywood making a splash on campus

Photo by Harbor Mosley

“I’m thrilled to take on such an exciting role” says Dunst. “I think I can really affect people with my creative take on such an important issue.”

Do you enjoy writing or designing?

Good for you. It’s nice to have hobbies.

T H E S T U D E N T N E W S PA P E R O F B E T H A N Y L U T H E R A N C O L L E G E

THE SCRAWL

7April 3, 2012

Journalists just want to have fun!All stories and photographs in The Scrawl are fake and are solely for the purpose

of amusement. We hope you enjoyed this year’s issue, and thank you for your continued readership!

Photo by Jordan Michaels

Displaying proficiency in running fast, Bolt was quickly snatched up for Bethany’s track club.

Usain bolts from JamaicaBy Peeta MellarkScrawl Staff Writer

When life gives you lemons, you make

lemonade. When life gives you an otherworldly combi-nation of acceleration, agil-ity and scorching speed, you will most likely be the victor in every race in which you take part. In the case of Usain Bolt, he took advan-tage of the lemons that he was given to become the fastest man alive, leaving even the fiercest competitor looking at the soles of his neon yellow cleats.

In his brief 25-year life, Bolt has electrified the world of competitive running with an abundance of record-breaking performances. No other person on the planet has the ability to capture the full attention of billions of individuals worldwide for a span of 10 seconds, only for them to forget about him minutes later. With the 2012 London Olympics right around the corner, Bolt made a concerted effort to jog their memory.

“I have set the bar high for myself in the future. I am not sure if there is anything that I cannot accomplish, especially if I push myself in my training. That is why I have decided to join the track and field team at Beth-any Lutheran College for the 2011-2012 spring season,” said Bolt.

When the news first broke

that Bolt would be coming to campus, everyone was utterly confused as to why such a superstar athlete would choose Mankato as his training ground. All of a sudden, it became clear, as Chaplain Don Moldstad explained that he and Bolt’s father, Thunder, were close friends dating back to his past missionary trips to Jamaica.

“When Thunder called me up asking if Usain could come to Bethany and train, what else was there to say but, ‘Ya man,’” said Moldstad.

When Bolt touched down in Minnesota, he was greeted with much fanfare and attention, as the city of Mankato threw a parade in his honor. In true Olympian form, he ran the whole of Riverfront Avenue in under 30 seconds, even stopping for one or two seconds to sign some autographs.

After all of the buzz died down, the track and field team was ready to compete like they never had before. Most of his teammates accepted Bolt as a part of the team, but there were still a few who were bitter about him stealing the limelight.

“Bolt came in here all cocky, bragging that he was the world champ and stuff, so I thought that I would teach him a lesson,” said sophomore Preston Schultz, “I challenged him to a race,

and he finished before I had even started. I guess he is pretty quick.”

From the get-go, it was imminent that the Vikings would have a record-break-ing season, led by Bolt’s flashy brilliance. Naysayers popped up along the way, claiming that they had an unfair advantage. On one occasion, an opposing coach accused Bolt of infusing his blood with a cheetah’s DNA, but the NCAA dismissed it as monkey business.

“MLC was so upset that we were winning all the time. I mean, it’s not our fault that Usain wanted to be a Viking, rather than a Knight. Seriously, get your own Olympic runner,” said junior Laura Gaudian.

The Vikings went on to be victorious in the UMAC championship, closing out the season in relentless fashion. The trophy now sits in a case in the Sports and Fitness Center, remind-ing Bethany students of the profound impact that Bolt had on the school during his swift stay. As quickly as Bolt had come, he was gone.

“Sometimes I ask myself why I decided to come to Bethany to train. It is very small, but it had everything I was looking for. It would have been nice if the runners would have been a bit faster, but what am I saying? It was an experience I will never forget,” said Bolt.

Photo by Michael Phelps

The Bethany swim team has a vigorous training program, revolving mostly around learning how to defeat the evil swim noodle.

Swim team dives into existenceBy Effie TrinketScrawl Staff Writer

Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. She strokes

back and forth in the pool, gliding and pushing her body through each stroke trying to improve her time for her favorite event: the backstroke.

This is sophomore Cassie Wierschke’s first year of being on BLC’s swim team. She joined to “make new friends and have a good time.”

The team was made last spring due to the numerous student requests to have a team. The Sport’s Terrain Club had recently purchased the pool, which is located behind the library.

“I love to swim. When I found out that Bethany had a team I knew I wanted to join. Swimming is a great stress reliever, especially when I get upset, like when I found out that Fox was canceling ‘Glee.’” said Wierschke.

The underground swim-ming team has won the playoffs and is on their way to the championships. The Vikings will be against their biggest rival: Crown.

Head coach Steve English said, “I know that the team is excited, and so am I. They have worked so hard to get where they are today and I am so proud of them.”

Players from the team are pumped up for the big meet, which is to be held on April 6.

“I cannot wait to beat Crown at the championship

meet. My butterfly stroke is going to be phenomenal and I am going to win,” said senior captain Alan Everett.

Everett was named the team captain this year since last year he was named the Swimmer of the Season according to Mankato Swim-ming Magazine.

“It was an honor to become captain and I know with hard work and dedication that we can win this meet,” said Everett. “Besides, I am the best on the team and the best has to be named captain, of course.”

“Alan is a great captain. With his leadership I know that we are going to have a victory under our belt,” said freshman Catharine Webber.

Because the Vikings are undefeated this season, they are going to host the meet at the pool on campus. Fans are excited for the meet and can’t wait to cheer on their friends and fellow classmates.

“I’m definitely going to the meet. I’m going to be rooting for my friends and see them beat Crown,” said junior Riley Greene.

Students are encouraged to attend the meet since this is the first championship game for swimming that has ever been hosted.

“This meet is great for Bethany. Hopefully it will get other students to join next season and see what we are all about,” said assistant coach Jason Gonzales.

8 THE SCRAWL

April 3, 2012

Couth by Logan Wendt

Brewster Rockit by Tim Rickard

Wondermark by David Malki

Calamities of Nature by Tony Piro

Green Apples by Jeff Harris

Ralph and Chuck by Tommy Grooms

Best In Show by Your Phil Juliano

Jersey Shore is on the way to campus!

Come to the green chairs Tuesday, April

12 at 1 p.m. to meet Snooki.

Okay, we’re sorry. Pretending Snooki

is coming to campus is too mean. We

wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

april fools!

Snooki is coming to Blc!