the simpsons - hollow manna

8/4/2019 The Simpsons - Hollow Manna

1/35

Hollow Manna

byChris KettlerAlex MessianuAllen SmithPaul Toohey

Based on characters "The Simpsons" created by Matt Groening.


2/35

FADE IN:

INT. TV STATION - EVENING

KENT BROCKMAN reads the daily news.

KENT BROCKMANIt appears that Springfieldsinfamous tire fire is starting toburn itself out. City officials

warn of possible roving black-outs.

Kent Brockman shuffles papers on his desk.

KENT BROCKMAN (contd)In local news, Springfields mayorQuimby has gotten himself intoquite a political pickle.

(a beat)A kosher pickle that is.

Kent Brockman laughs to himself.

EXT. TOWN HALL - DAY

Townspeople gather around the steps of town hall for theinauguration of Springfields new mayor. CAPTAIN HORATIOMCALLISTER, CHIEF WIGGUM, MAYOR QUIMBY and HYMAN KRUSTOFSKYstand on podium.

KENT BROCKMAN (V.O.)The results of the recall electionare in. In a record voter turn out,Mayor Quimby was ousted from hisposition earlier today in a 17 to 8vote.

Chief Wiggum removes sash from Mayor Quimby and places it onKrustofsky, Wiggum then shakes Krustofskys hand.

KENT BROCKMAN (V.O.)And coming in a distant third,

local seaman--(laughs)Captain Horatio McAllister.

MCALLISTERYarghhh!

The sullen Quimby walks off the podium where he isintercepted by FAT TONY who puts his arm around the defeatedpolitician whispering to him.


3/35

Krustofsky approaches microphone. He steps on a glass, itshatters.

KRUSTOFSKYMazel Tov!

A band of Hasidic men start playing HAVA NAGILA. Old Jewishwomen start dancing in a circle around Krustofsky as he sitsin a chair being raised in the air.

INT. KWIK-E-MART- NIGHT

APU turns off the television and stands behind counterdrinking a squishee.

Homer approaches the counter.

HOMER

One glazed and one scratch and winplease.

Homer eats his doughnut and scratches the lotto ticket.

HOMER (contd)Doh, stupid lotto ticket!

APUYoure not the only one with noluck today.

Apu slumps down, puts his head down on the counter.

HOMERWhats the matter Apu?

Apu stands back up, leans against counter.

APUOh Mr. Simpson, I am having quitedilemma. My childrens birthday isapproaching and sadly, I have noidea what to buy them.

HOMERHow about an octopus?

APUWhere will I purchase an octopus?

Pause.

HOMERWhy would you want an octopus?

2.


4/35

Captain McAllister enters the Kwik-E-Mart. He sighs as heapproaches the counter.

MCALLISTERPull me a squishee, Apu.

APUOh, Captain McAllister. Dont feelso down. You know, I voted foryou.

MCALLISTERYarghhh. That makes one of us.

Apu sighs, turns around, grabs a cup and pours McAllister asquishee.

APUHere you go sir, Margarita, your

favorite. You can drown yoursorrows in its icy goodness.

(beat)Thank you, come again.

McAllister exits the Kwik-E-Mart.

HOMERYou can make a Margarita squishee?

APUOh yes sir, you can make anyflavor. Anything you can freeze

and then grind up. See its verysimple.

Apu turns around and grabs a cup and places it under thenozzle of the squishee machine. He then starts to turn thehandle but it wont turn. A red light starts to flash and the

machine starts to sputter, a loud grating metal on metalsound comes from the chassis. The machine releases a cloudof steam, dead.

APU (contd)Oh no! What am I going to do now?

HOMERCome on Apu, its not that bad.

Apu leans over the counter.

3.


5/35

APUCant you see. If I cant makesquishees then I wont sell any andif I cant sell any then I wont

make any money. And if I cant makeany money then I cant buy my

children any birthday gifts.

Frink walks up from the back of the store holding a magazine.

FRINKI couldnt help overhearing yourdilemma while I was just thumbingthrough this latest issue of Maxim.Let me have a look at this.

Frink climbs behind the counter and starts looking at themachine. He pulls a blueprint schematic out of his pocketand starts comparing the diagram to the machine.

FRINK (contd)This machine doesnt look so bad.It appears that the actuator pumphas malfunctioned. I can fix her upin no time if you could just get meone.

APUDo I look like I have a whole boxof actuator pumps lying around?

(beat)Let me check.

Apu looks around the counter area, he comes across a largebox that reads: actuator pumps.

APU (contd)Here it is.

Apu carries the box over to the counter nearest Frink andsets it down. They open the box together to find its empty.

FRINKDrat. Not to worry though. I can

build one. I will require ten feetof garden hose, a tin can, aSnickers Bar, and a roll ofpolyethylene resin.

Apu and Homer look at each other and then back to Frink.

Frink sighs.

4.


6/35

FRINK (contd)Duct tape! Duct tape!

Apu starts to put together the items Frink has requested.Homer walks over to Frink.

HOMERWhat do you need the Snickers barfor?

FRINKThe Nougat!

Apu arrives with all the requested pieces. Frink takes them,opens the snickers bar and takes a bite as he surveys histask.

Homer sits back, intent on watching Frink fix the machine.

LENNY and CARL enter store. Upon seeing Homer, they pull outscraps of paper from their pockets.

LENNYHey Homer. You planning on showingup to work at all this week?

HOMERProbably not.

LENNYAww, rats!

Lenny rips up his piece of paper and throws it down.

CARLWhat about next week?

HOMERYeah, sure.

(a beat)Why?

INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT LUNCH ROOM - NIGHT

A lone OLD MAN sweeps the floor. He passes a small memorialplaque to Frank Grimes, then a bulletin board with a largecalender which reads: HOW MANY DAYS WILL HOMER BE GONE???The calendar is marked with red Xs up to a certain day.

INT. KWIK-E-MART

Lenny and Carl walk towards the exit.

5.


7/35

CARLSee you next week Homer.

FRINKVoila! I give you the new andimproved squishee machine.

Apu and Homer both walk over to where Frink was working onthe machine. They stare at the new machine in awe.

The squishee machine has new levers, a few antennas, severalnew settings buttons and flashing lights all over it.

FRINK (contd)Time to start her back up.

Apu and Homer watch silently.

Frink presses the biggest button on the machine. Several

lights start flashing and blinking. Sparks fly out from theantennas.

Frink pulls the lever and the machine begins shakingviolently. The entire store shakes, pieces of ceiling fall onthe counter. Lights rapidly flash on and off. A glowing

white bubble appears around Frink and the machine.

FRINK (contd)I probably should have re-configured the time delay on thepower load res--

Frink vanishes into thin air. The store is silent and still.

Pause.

HOMERWell I saw that coming.

APUWhat am I going to do now? With nosquishee machine, there will be nosquishees for anyone. Who is goingto make squishees for people?

Homer thinks to himself.

IN HOMERS IMAGINATION BUBBLE.

A monkey tries to start a car up.

The engine stammers at first, then starts up.

6.


8/35

END IMAGINATION BUBBLE.

HOMER(to himself)

Silly monkey.

Homer laughs at his thought.

APUMr. Simpson, I do not know what a

monkey has to do with any of this.

HOMERIve got it Apu!

(then)Im going to save your business.

Homer exits the Kwik-E-Mart.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - DAY

Homer walks into the house, with his arms full of parts.MARGE scowls at Homer.

MARGEHomer what is all that stuff?

HOMERIm going to save Apus businessand its going to be yummy, tasty,and sweet.

Marge shoots Homer a dirty look.

HOMER (contd)Come on wasn't I there for youduring your little stint as theBeer Baron?

Homer empties the items from his arms on the kitchen tableand starts going through the refrigerator.

MARGE

That wasnt me, that was you.

HOMEROh honey, not important who it was,

whats important is that we haveeach other.

7.


9/35

MARGEHomer are you talking to me, or areyou reading inspirational quotesoff of the milk carton again?

Homer raises up over the door of the refrigerator holding a

carton of milk.

Marge lets out a groan of discouragement as Homer picks uphis stuff and goes down into the basement.

EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - NIGHT

The lights of the house are all off save for the basementlights. Loud noises of hammering, grinding and welding comefrom the house.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE. KITCHEN - DAY

Marge, BART, and LISA sit at the table eating breakfast.Sounds of hammering continue.

LISAMom what is Dad doing? He has been

making noise all night?

MARGEI dont know. But in the meantime,here. You kids wear these.

Marge pulls five helmets out of one of the kitchen cabinets,giving one to Lisa, one to Bart, and putting the other threeon Maggie, Santas Little Helper, and Snowball II.

MARGE (contd)Go on kids lets go you're going tobe late for school.

Marge kisses Bart and Lisa, as they walk out towards thefront door.

Homer peeps his head out of the basement. He is wearing eye

glasses, an apron, and is holding a screwdriver.

HOMERMarge will you bring me aEpithermal particle beamaccelerator with at least a 5000

watt load capacity.

Marge looks toward the basement and rolls her eyes.

8.


10/35

EXT. DOWNTOWN SPRINGFIELD MARKET - DAY

Chief Wiggum leads Mayor Krustofsky on a tour of themarketplace. They stop at each cart and Wiggum checks thecarts permit. They stop at one cart and the CART MANAGER

walks up to Wiggum.

CART MANAGERChief Wiggum, is it the end of the

month already?

Cart Manager tries to hand a wad of bills to Wiggum.

Wiggum laughs.

WIGGUMI have no idea what youre talkingabout.

Wiggum leans closer to the Cart Manager so that only he canhear what Wiggum says.

WIGGUM (contd)Later.

Wiggum and Krustofsky continue to walk among the carts.

WIGGUM (contd)As you see sir. All the carts haveto apply for a permit before theyare allowed to sell their goodshere.

A car full of Fat Tonys henchmen pull up near where Wiggumand Krustofsky are walking.

Guns point out the car windows.

Krustofsky quickly ducks behind a fruit barrel.

Gun shots ring out as the mobsters unload their weapons.

Wiggum quickly reaches to draw his gun from its holster, butinstead produces a banana.

WIGGUM (contd)I knew that was a bad idea.

Krustofsky and Wiggum take off running. The pair split up asthey wear through the marketplace.

9.


11/35

EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FRONT YARD

Homer sits at a poorly built squishee stand, with a sign thatreads: squishees .50 cents. DISCO STU walks down thestreet. He has a stereo system built into his belt and itpumps some funky disco jams as he walks up to the stand.

DISCO STUHey man Disco Stu needs a littlesomething to quench his thirst.

HOMERHow about a brand new squishy madeout of pork. Mmmmm pork.

Homer hands him a squishee. Stu takes a gulp and is suddenlysurprised by the taste.

DISCO STU

Whoa hey Disco Stu digs your jive.Come on man, give me five.

Homer and Disco Stu exchange a high-five as the disco musiccontinues.

Krustofsky comes running down the street out of breath. Hestops in front of Homer and Disco Stu. Homer reaches out togive Krustofsky a squishee.

HOMERHere Rabbi this will help you cooloff.

The Rabbi takes a sip, quickly spitting it out.

KRUSTOFSKYBlegh! What exactly is this?

HOMERA special squishee I made with alittle bit of everything. Bacon,ham, sausage.

KRUSTOFSKY

Homer, dont you know Leviticallaw?

HOMERPshh. Yeah, but neither of us haveslingshots.

10.


12/35

KRUSTOFSKYNo. No. Levitical law tellsforbids us from eating uncleananimals. Goats, camels, pigs, hor--

HOMER

(interrupting)Sounds kind of hokey to me.

KRUSTOFSKYIts right here in the Torah.

Krustofsky produces a small Torah from his coat pocket.

HOMEROoo. The Torah. What? Does itsay that we cant eat shrimp too?

Krustofsky quickly thumbs through the book.

KRUSTOFSKYWell, as a matter of fact it--

HOMER(interrupting)

I think Ive heard just aboutenough. You can take your new agehooey to someone elses squisheestand.

KRUSTOFSKYHooey? I will not leave. I demand

an apology.

HOMERWell I demand my fifty cents. Isuppose your fancy Torah says thatits okay to back your way out ofpaying too.

KRUSTOFSKYThats it! I will not be trampledon. Mark my words Mr. Simpson, you

will be sorry.

Krustofsky storms off.

HOMERThank you. Come again.

11.


13/35

EXT. STEPS OF TOWN HALL

Krustofsky holds a news conference, surrounded by reportersand townspeople.

KRUSTOFSKY

Citizens of Springfield, we havetried to make this work, but due tothe actions of one man...

INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM - EVENING

The family sits together watching the evening news. Everyoneturns to Homer angrily.

ON TELEVISION:

Krustofskys conference continues.

KRUSTOFSKYI am left with no alternative.Effective today, a ban will beplaced on the sale and consumptionof pork products. With yourcooperation, together we can makeSpringfield a pork free town.

Krustofsky gives the sign by raising his arm.

Chief Wiggum reacts, and sets fire to a huge pile of porkproducts.

MARGEHomer, I really think you shouldapologize.

Marge turns to Homer, who is gone.

From the television, we hear sounds of Homers boyish laugh.The family turns to watch.

ON TELEVISION:

Homer runs on screen wearing a bib and holding a fork in onehand and a knife in the other. He dances around the flamingpile of pork.

BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE:

12.


14/35

INT. SIMPSON HOME - DAY

Homer comes down the stairs for breakfast. He hears Marge inthe kitchen preparing the food. Bart and List run past himon the stairs and he enters the kitchen.

HOMERWheres the bacon honey?

MARGEBacon was banned Homie.

HOMEROh, are we having sausage?

MARGEAll pork products were bannedHomie.

HOMERAs long as they dont take away mypork chops!

MARGEHomer, pork chops are a porkproduct too.

END DREAM SEQUENCE

Homer wakes up and screams in anguish.


Homer comes down the stairs for breakfast. He hears Marge inthe kitchen preparing the food. Bart and List run past himon the stairs and he enters the kitchen.

HOMERMarge, I had a crazy dream that wecouldnt have bacon for breakfastanymore.

MARGE

Well Homie, all pork products werebanned, that includes bacon.

Homer screams as before.

HOMERAll bacon?

MARGEAll bacon.

13.


15/35

Homer screams again.

HOMEREven Kevin Bacon?

MARGE

Even Kevin Bacon.

HOMERGood.

KEVIN BACON peers through the kitchen window.

Homer looks toward the window, noticing Bacon. Homerscreams, more intensely than before.

Bacon makes a quick exit.

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY PRINCIPAL SKINNERS OFFICE - DAY

SKINNER...and furthermore, due to newstatutes set forth by MayorKrustofsky, students will noticecertain changes around the school.Happy Birthday to the foll--

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE bursts into Skinners office holding amenorah and a yarmulke.

WILLIE

(interrupting)Skinner, what kind of show are yourunning here? Look at this hat.What do you call that? Look. Itdoesn't even cover your head.

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY LUNCHROOM - DAY

Bart and Lisa stand near each other in line.

They listen to the tail end of Willie and Skinners

conversation.

LISAWhat kinds of changes do you thinkPrincipal Skinner was talking aboutBart?

LUNCHLADY DORIS scoops slop onto Barts tray.

14.


16/35

BARTHey man, whats this?

LUNCHLADYMatzo ball soup and gefilte fish.

Bart smells his food.

BARTSmells alright.

Bart walks toward a table.

LISAAre either of those safe forvegetarians?

LUNCHLADYIts not pork chops.

LISAWell not all Kosher food isvegetarian.

Lunchlady Doris puts a piece of broccoli on top of thegefilte fish and hands it to Lisa.

LUNCHLADYShalom to you. Now let my lunchline go.

LISA

(sighs)Ill go hungry.

Lisa follows Bart to a table in the lunchroom.

They both sit down at a table next to MILHOUSE.

LISA (contd)Dont you see whats happeningBart? Krustofsky is forcing hisreligious beliefs on the wholetown.

BARTSo, the foods alright.

MILHOUSEThe soup, I like. But the fish,ehhh, perhaps for another day ortwo I could eat it. But for yearsand years? Ehhh.

15.


17/35

Lisa shakes her head in disbelief.

INT. MS. HOOVERS CLASSROOM - DAY

The classroom is full of students who are paying little or no

attention to Ms. Hoover, except Lisa who is intently involvedin the discussion and RALPH WIGGUM who is eating paste.

MS HOOVERRalph, put down the paste. Its notkosher!

RALPHBut Im still hungry mommy.

MS HOOVERIve told you before, Im not

mommy.

RALPHI love you mommy.

MS HOOVERThats it Ralph. Go to the office!

(then)Now on to the teachings of Genesis.

Lisa raises her hand.

MS HOOVER (contd)Yes Lisa.

LISAArent we supposed to continuelearning about evolution today.

MS HOOVERNo, Lisa, we arent learning aboutblasphemous subjects in thisclassroom any longer.

LISABut Ms. Hoover, its scientifically

proven.

MS HOOVERThats it Lisa, you can join Ralphin the office.

(to the rest of the class)Does anyone else have a problem

with the new material?

16.


18/35

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY HALLWAY - DAY

Lisa leaves Ms. Hoovers class. She looks both ways down thehallway before heading towards the exit.

EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - DAY

Homer sits at his shoddily constructed squishee stand.BARNEY GUMBEL stands near by.

HOMERNo Barney, I dont have a DuffSquishee.

BARNEYBurp! How about Duff Light?

HOMER

Nope. This is the only flavor Ican make now.

Homer grabs a cup and fills it with his creamy squisheetreat, and hands it to Barney. Barney takes a big drink ofthe squishee. His eyes get big. He spits out the concoctionviolently.

HOMER (contd)See, that isnt fit to sell. Noone wants a turnip squishee

Apu walks up to the stand in a huff.

APUMr. Simpson you are stealing all mycustomers. You are ruining theKwik-E-Mart.

HOMERWhy hello Apu.

APUNo. No, hello. You must quitselling squishees. You must quit

right now. You are ruining mybusiness.

HOMERAm not.

APUAm too.

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19/35

HOMERAm not.

APUAm too.

HOMERAm not.

APUAm too.

Lisa walks up to Homers stand.

LISADad, youll never believe whathappened at school today.

Homer turns to Lisa

HOMERLisa honey, daddy has grown upthings to do, why dont you runalong and play.

LISABut dad, this is really important.

HOMERNot now.

Homer turns back to his conversation with Apu.

HOMER (contd)Am not.

APUAm too.

Lisa groans and walks into the house. Leaving Homer to hisargument.

Homer takes a drink of the turnip squishee in front of him,cringing.

APU (contd)Ive run the Kwik-E-Martsuccessfully for 25 years with noproblems. It is my life.

HOMERWell, whos watching the storeright now?

18.


20/35

INT. KWIK-E-MART - DAY

A note on the counter reads Pay for what you take, take yourchange. Be Honest.

Nelson walks to the counter with a six-pack of beer, looks

around, then swipes all the money off of the counter andexits.


Lisa walks into the kitchen where Marge is cleaning dishes.

LISAMom, everything at school ischanging.

MARGE

How so Lisa?

Homer walks into the kitchen.

HOMERNo ones buying the turnip squisheesso I guess Ill try something else.

Homer exits down the stairs into the basement.

LISAThey didnt serve pork chops, theyserved Jewish food. And they

didnt even offer a vegetarianalternative. And in class. Oh mom.We were learning about Darwinismand the survival of the fittest.

Through the window we see Apu trying to steal the squisheemachine. He attempts to load it in his compact car but fails.The squishee machine falls on top of him.

MARGEOh honey, I know it sounds bad, butyoull get used to it. Sometimes,

to keep things going smoothly, youhave to do things you dont reallywant to.

Marge glances over at a wedding picture of her with Homer.

HOMER (O.S.)Marge, do we still have all of thathorseradish?

19.


21/35

EXT. SPRINGFIELD TOWN HALL STEPS - DAY

Lisa runs up the stairs.

INT. SPRINGFIELD TOWN HALL

Lisa steps up to a counter that is manned my a midget.

LISAExcuse me sir.

MIDGETIts little person, Id preferlittle person.

LISAWell excuse me little person, butId like to see Mayor Krustofsky.

MIDGETDo you have an appointment?

LISANo, but I just thought-

MIDGET(interrupting)

You just thought. A lot of peoplejust think, doesnt really get themanywhere though does it?

LISACan I see the Mayor please?

MIDGETWell come along and well see if hecan schedule you in.

Lisa follows the short person down a yellow brick road. Theyget to a very large door. The midget knocks. The door slowlyopens.

DISEMBODIED VOICE

Who comes before the great andpowerful Mayor Krustofsky?

The midget slowly backs away from the door and Lisa slowlyenters the great chamber. The chamber is elaboratelydecorated. A green disembodied head floats above Lisa.

DISEMBODIED VOICE (contd)Speak! Who dares disturb my work?

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22/35

LISAMr. Mayor. I am Lisa Simpson. Idlike to talk to you about some ofthe changes you have made.

DISEMBODIED VOICE

The great and powerful Mayor doesnot have time to baby-sit toddlers.

LISAIm not a-

DISEMBODIED VOICE(interrupting)

Why do you bother me with thistriviality?

LISAI just wanted to talk-

DISEMBODIED VOICE(interrupting)

Silence!

Lisa gets tired of the lack of help she gets from the headand leaves the chamber. Behind her the head continues toquestion her, not noticing that she has left.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD CITY STREET - DAY

Lisa walks by herself down the street. She is passed by

people with yarmulkes, and peyos. It seems that Springfieldis turning Jewish before her eyes.

LISAWho will care? Who will care thatthe town is being taken over by theJews?

Lisas face lights up with insight. She turns around andruns down the sidewalk.

EXT. CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD - DAY

Lisa runs down the sidewalk into the church. The marqueeoutside reads "100th SOUL EATS FREE."

21.


23/35

INT. CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD - DAY

At the front of the sanctuary, REVEREND LOVEJOY stands amongseveral burly movers who are carrying tables, chairs andother restaurant necessities. He gives them directionsthrough a megaphone.

LOVEJOYThat's right people. The salad bargoes over there with the heatlamps. Yes, blessed is the man whodoes not walk on the tablecloths orstand in the way of his fellow

worker.

Lisa approaches him from behind.

LISAReverend Lovejoy, what are you

doing?

LOVEJOYLisa, the church is going under.Everyone is converting to Judaism.So I've decided to extend our

market a bit, just to level theplaying field.

LISASo you're opening a restaurant?

LOVEJOY

Not just any restaurant, Lisa.It's an all-you-can-eat buffet.

LISAReverend Lovejoy, doesn't the bible

warn against turning the churchinto a marketplace?

LOVEJOYOh Lisa, the bible says a lot ofthings. Don't be so pessimistic.Look at Ned there.

Lovejoy ushers Lisa over to the front pew, where sits NEDFLANDERS. He is unpacking a crate full of plates.

FLANDERSHi-de-lee-ho there Lisa!

LISANot you too Mr. Flanders.

22.


24/35

FLANDERSOh, Lisa. It's not so bad. Weordered custom plates with excerptsfrom 'The Beatitudes' etched intothem.

He holds up a plate, upon which is etched "BLESSED ARE THOSEWHO HUNGER. ASK YOUR SERVER FOR DETAILS."

FLANDERS (contd)And the best part of all. I get tobe the head waiter.

(pause)I mean. I'll have to shut down thegood old Leftorium for a while.But maybe I can have the boys runit for me for a while. Except thatthe cash register drawer gives Rodnightmares.

Lisa runs back to Lovejoy. He stands with a DELIVERY MAN,and now holds a clipboard in his hands, signing paperwork.

LISAReverend, you can't do this.

Lovejoy hands the clipboard to the mover, who then walksaway.

LOVEJOYIf you have a better solution, I'mall ears.

LISAWell...

LOVEJOYI didn't think so. Don't feel bad.It's this new administration, withits easy sexuality and relaxed

morality. How could anyone competewith that?

The delivery man returns, standing behind Lovejoy and Lisa.

DELIVERY MAN(to his delivery crew)

Alright boys. Bring her on in.

A crew of movers wheel in a huge novelty soft drink machine.It is in the shape of an oversized translucent water pitcher.

23.


25/35

The movers position the machine, then wipe the sweat fromtheir foreheads. They all grab glasses from a nearby tableand begin to fill them from the machine.

Lisa watches as the clear liquid in the pitcher turns redupon pouring into the movers' glasses.

LOVEJOYIt's a matching set. We'reexpecting the soft-serve machine inthe morning.

Lisa grunts with frustration, then storms out of the church.

INT. KWIK-E-MART - LATER

Apu stands behind the counter polishing Homer's squisheemachine. With his back turned, he doesn't notice when Lisa

enters the store.

LISAOne Cherry Squishee please, Apu.

Apu quickly turns around, obscuring the stolen squisheemachine with his body.

APUWha? I... I'm sorry, Lisa, but asyou can see, I no longer have asquishee machine. Thank you, comeagain. You saw nothing.

From the back room, a door opens. KEVIN BACON emergeswearing a KWIK-E-MART uniform.

BACONAw, Apu. Don't be silly. The

machine is right there behind you.

LISAWow. Kevin Bacon.

APU

You shut your mouth, Bacon.

BACONApu, I helped you tie it to theroof of your car.

APUAnd in return, I agreed to let youlie low here. Now lie low.

24.


26/35

Lisa approaches Bacon.

LISAThat's right. The new ban on porkproducts affects you too, doesn'tit?

BACONI'll say. Thanks to RabbiKrustofsky, I may never work inthis town again.

Lisa's eyebrows raise with enlightenment.

LISAMr. Bacon, I have a plan that couldsave our town, and your career atthe same time.

BACONHey. I'm all ears.

(then)I got some chores to do up on theroof. Why don't you come on up?You can give me a hand and tell meabout it.

Apu, still shielding the squishee machine with his torso,slowly relaxes his stance.

APUYes. To the roof. Very good. Now

go.

Lisa and Kevin Bacon leave for the roof via the nonalcoholicbeer freezer secret passage.

Apu fully relaxes, then turns around to make himself asquishee. He pulls the homemade lever, which breaks off,causing a chain reaction that results in the complete selfdestruction of the machine.

EXT. KWIK-E-MART ROOF - MOMENTS LATER

Lisa and Bacon stand at the edge of the roof tossing medium-sized rocks off onto the parking lot below.

LISABut I don't have that kind ofinfluence over the media.

Bacon tosses a rock.

25.


27/35

BACONI see.

(beat)But your determination and mycharisma will only get us so far.We need to back Krustofsky into a

corner.

Lisa looks up at him. He kneels down to her.

BACON (contd)And I know just the guy.

He reaches into his pocket, retrieving his wallet.

BACON (contd)A friend of mine from the pen.

LISA

What were you in prison for?

He sighs.

BACONDancing.

LISANo. Really?

BACONWell. Dancing in Annette Bening'sfront yard.

Silence. Lisa stares at Bacon.

BACON (contd)Well. I mean. I was in "Diner"

with Steve Gutenberg, who was in"High Spirits" with PeterGallagher, who was in "AmericanBeauty" with her. So we'repractically old friends.

(beat)But some judges just don't

understand.

He smiles. Lisa giggles like a girl talking to a movie star.

BACON (contd)Here. Take this card. My buddy

will help you out. Just tell him Isent you.

Lisa takes the card, still holding a rock in her other hand.

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LISAThank you, Mr. Bacon.

Lisa discards the rock over the edge of the building.

BACON

Hey, call me Kevin.

She smiles and walks away. The rock strikes the ground. Aloud RUMBLE begins to grow.

BACON (contd)Hey. We got one, Lisa!

The ground continues to rumble and shake. From a knapsack,Bacon produces a bundle of dynamite tied to a spool ofstring.

He lights the fuse, then twirls the bundle around his head a

few times, like a cowboy with a lasso. He releases thebundle into the air. It strikes the ground.

The reflection of an explosion lights up his face as orangebits of goo fly upward covering both him and the Kwik-E-Mart.

BACON (contd)Woo-hoo!

INT. SPRINGFIELD PENITENTIARY - LATER

Lisa walks down a dark, grim corridor, guided by a SECURITY

GUARD. Heavy grids over the lights create patterns on thefloor.

SECURITY GUARDDo not reach through the bars. Donot touch the bars. You pass himnothing but soft paper. No pens orpencils. Do not accept anything heattempts to hold out to you. Doyou understand?

LISA

Yes sir.

The guard leaves Lisa standing outside a nicely furnishedcell at the end of the corridor. The inhabitant lies on thetop bunk, reading.

LISA (contd)Excuse me. Sir?

The PRISONER shows little interest.

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PRISONERYou're one of Kevin Bacon's Iexpect.

Lisa's eyes widen as she puts the voice together with theface of the prisoner who now stands in front of her opposite

the prison bars.

LISASideshow Bob?

SIDESHOW BOBHello Lisa.

LISAWhat are you doing here?

SIDESHOW BOBOh you know. An armed robbery

here, attempted murder there. Ican't keep up at this point. Youknow, it's not so bad in therethough. You wouldn't believe thecollection of Chaucer they have.Oh but how I'd long for a room witha view.

LISABob, I need your help with--

SIDESHOW BOB(interrupting)

Oh sure. Who cares about Bob?It's never 'Oh Bob, let me hearabout your day.' Or 'Oh Bob, wouldyou like to have dinner some time?'Noooooo. It's always, 'Bob, weneed your criminal genius to helpsolve our menial problems.' And'Help me Bob, you're my only hope.'

He turns away. Lisa runs forward grabbing the bars.

LISA

You are my only hope!

Pause.

SIDESHOW BOBCome to think of it. I like ringof that.

LISADoes that mean you'll help me?

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He turns back towards her and walks toward the bars with hishands behind his back.

SIDESHOW BOBOh Lisa. Everything you need tobring order back to Springfield is

right in front of you.

LISATell me how.

SIDESHOW BOBFirst principles, Lisa.Simplicity. To get to the father,you must first go through that

which he holds closest to hisheart. That which is inseparable.More dear than any book ortradition. Now listen closely,

Lisa. I will not repeat this.

INT. KRUSTY'S HOUSE - DAY

In a dimly lit room, there are seltzer bottles and clownshoes strewn about on the floor. We glide through the roomas music begins to play faintly somewhere within the room.

SIDESHOW BOB (V.O.)You seek that which Abrahamsurrendered and that without whichSanford and Son would have been

half as funny. You seek the thingthat would be closest to anyfather's heart. That which bringsyou laughter and heartbreak. Tearsof joy and sorrow. The eternalblack sheep and light of the

world, all rolled into one. Areyou listening to me, Lisa?

KRUSTY THE CLOWN sits at his mirror, applying his stagemakeup. He dabs the white onto his forehead, then to therest of his face.

Krusty picks up a red clown nose from his makeup tray. Hesqueezes it, releasing a few quick, high-pitched honks. Heslowly positions it on his nose.

KRUSTY(to himself)

Would you laugh at me? I'd laughat me.

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Krusty produces a purple bow-tie from his shirt pocket andclips it onto his collar.

The doorbell BUZZES violently, startling Krusty. He walks tohis door and unlatches the dead-bolt.

Before he can turn the knob, the door is kicked inward fromoutside, knocking Krusty down.

SWAT team members crash through his living room windows.

He manages to look up to see a barrage of police officersstanding at his doorstep. CHIEF WIGGUM leads the battalion.

WIGGUMAlright Crocket, you're underarrest. For the kidnap...

pause.

WIGGUM (contd)Krusty. Heh heh. I uh...

Wiggum steps back to check the house number.

WIGGUM (contd)(to his men)

We're at the wrong house boys.

He realizes something awful.

WIGGUM (contd)

Oh God. Lou.

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY

From a distance, we see a very plain house on an emptystreet. A police officer knocks on the door, which slowlyopens. He enters. The door slams shut behind him.

INT. KRUSTY'S HOUSE - DAY

Krusty, still lying on the floor, brushes himself off andstands up.

WIGGUMSorry about that, Krusty.

(to his men)Alright boys, let's pull back.

Krusty grumbles under his breath.

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KRUSTYYeah. Don't mention it. I'll justclean up what's left of my house!

Krusty continues to grumble, dusting himself off as thepolice leave. When the troops clear off, there is still one

person standing at Krusty's door, Lisa.

She is smiling urgently.

KRUSTY (contd)How did you--

She interrupts him, grabbing his arm.

LISA(interrupting)

No time to explain, Krusty. Comeon. We've got a town to save.

She pulls him out of the house.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD TOWN HALL - DAY

Lisa and Krusty walk side by side toward the steps of townhall.

KRUSTYSo that's all I have to do? Andthe town is saved?

LISAThat's right.

KRUSTYOkay. What do I say?

As they arrive at town hall, they encounter a mass oftownspeople crowded around the steps.

LISAWhat is this?

Up at the front of the crowd, Mayor Quimby and RabbiKrustofsky stand, exchanging the mayoral sash as before.Quimby steps up to a podium at the top of the steps.

QUIMBYToday is a great day in the historyof Springfield. As I said before,a recount has revealed that severalballots were left uncounted.

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Quimby motions to the ballot boxes, which are surrounded byFat Tony and his mobsters.

QUIMBY (contd)Upon further inspection, it wasdetermined that the final tally

yielded Krustofsky-17, Qiumby12,008.

The crowd lets off an unintelligible mix of reportersquestions.

QUIMBY (contd)Now, my first act as returning

mayor, will be to repeal all newpolicy set forth by RabbiKrustofsky, most notably repealingthe ban on the sale and consumptionof pork. The days of gefilte fish

are over.

In the crowd, Captain Mcallister stands smoking his pipe.

MCALLISTERYarghhh.

The crowd cheers. Cameras flash.

QUIMBYCitizens of Springfield. Go. Buyyour pork products.

The crowd cheers and marches off through the town.

Lisa stands in the empty street, unable to respond. Sheshrugs her shoulders, then sighs.

HOMER (O.S.)Don't feel down, honey.

Lisa turns around to find her dad standing behind her.

LISADad, where did you come from?

HOMERI know this isn't what youexpected. But you knew you wereright all along. And that's what'simportant.

LISAAw. Thanks dad. Do you really

mean that?

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She turns to look at her dad, but he is already distractedfrom good parenting. He sniffs the air.

HOMEROoh. Hot-dogs!

Homer runs down the empty street where he runs into Apu. Thetwo exchange brief fierce looks, that are both quickly meltedaway.

HOMER (contd)Aw. Apu. I'm sorry I took all ofyour customers.

APUOh Homer. I should be apologizingto you. You were only trying tohelp. I should never have stolenyour squishee machine to get even.

My jealousy just consumed me.

HOMERStole my JELL-O what?

A flash of white light beams down from above. A gust of windblows down on Apu and Homer. A glowing white sphere appearsbeside the two men. The glow slowly fades to reveal Frink

with his squishee time machine.

He is decked out in futuristic attire, complete with silverreflective goggles and vinyl coveralls. He jumps down offthe machine, grabbing Apu.

FRINKApu. You've got to come back with

me.

APUI don't understand. Back? Back

where?

FRINKBack to the Kwik-E-Mart of thefuture.

APUWhy? What happens to me? Do Ibecome an imbecile or something?

Pause.

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FRINKNo, no. You turn out just fine.It's your kids we've got to worryabout.

Frink straddles the squishee machine.

FRINK (contd)Come on. Let's go.

APUWhat about the store? Kevin Bacon?

FRINKWell, bring him along. Thisconcerns him too.

Kevin Bacon, still covered in orange goo, runs and hops ontothe machine.

BACONWoo-Hoo!

Apu climbs onto the machine as it lifts off the ground,leaving a gust of wind beneath it. He glances at thespinning chambers on the front of the machine.

APUOh, Professor. We should stop bythe Kwik-E-Mart. There's notenough syrup in here to make itvery far.

FRINKSyrup?

Frink pulls his goggles down onto his face.

FRINK (contd)Where we're going, we don't needsyrup.

The time machine lifts up further, then makes a U-turn beforespeeding off in time.

FADE OUT.

34.

the simpsons - hollow manna

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