the spys not what i meant-v2-keyn… · scarf model •status •c ... likely biased in your...
TRANSCRIPT
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The Spy Game
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Team Assignment
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The Spy Game
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Nearly every situation can be made better or worse by how
we communicate.
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In groups of 2-3 people, discuss:
• What’s a recent example of when you were misunderstood?
• What gets in the way of people understanding each other?
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Communication Process
• Potential breakdowns:
Sender encoding the message.
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Verbals and Non-Verbals
Words
Body
Vocal
7%
55%
38%
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Communication Process
• Potential breakdowns:
Sender encoding the message. Choose your words wisely; align body language & vocal tone
Transmitting the message. “The more sensitive the issue, the richer the medium.”
Receiver decoding the message. “Never under-estimate people’s ability to ‘not get it’!”
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Communication Process
• Potential breakdowns:
Sender encoding the message. Choose your words wisely; align body language & vocal tone
Transmitting the message. “The more sensitive the issue, the richer the medium.”
Receiver decoding the message. “Never under-estimate people’s ability to ‘not get it’!”
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Layers of Misunderstanding
Resolving the most challenging misunderstandings requires us to get “at the root, which stretches beneath rationality, beneath even emotions, to the heart of who you are: your identity.”
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It’s Not Just About the Facts
• Tribal mindset
• Vertigo
• Repetition compulsion
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Social Neuroscience
Motivation driving social behavior
• Minimizing threat
• Maximizing reward
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NeuroLeadership Institutewww.NeuroLeadership.com
SCARF Model
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SCARF Model
•Status
•Certainty
•Autonomy
•Relatedness
•Fairness
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SCARF Model
•Status
•Certainty
•Autonomy
•Relatedness
•Fairness
How might elements of this
model impact your
communication?
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“Every interaction is a performance”
Model Premise
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• Allows a step back
• Becoming Principle™
• “Try on” approaches and behaviors
Advantages?
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• Isn’t it faking?
• That’s not who I am!
• Authenticity
Concerns?
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• Elements of Story
Who’s involved? (characters)
Where is the interaction? (setting)
What’s the backstory? How does the story get played out? (problem/conflict, inciting incident, sub-plots)
Breakdown the Scene
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Start With You
• Learn to detect when you’re feeling:
Adversarial. Magnifying differences, minimizing similarities
Self-righteous. Not only right, but morally superior
Closed. Apt to critique and condemn instead of listen
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• Be careful about the stories you tell yourself
Start With You
We have a tendency to explain the behavior of others in terms of
character rather than context.
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• Pay attention to the story
Who’s the victim?
Villain?
Hero?
Start With You
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It’s Not Just About the Facts
“Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right.
They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.”
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Diagnose Their World
One of the most important steps in influencing without authority is to “diagnose the world of the other person.”
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Help Me Understand
“The single most important thing [you can do] is to shift [your] internal stance from ‘I understand’ to ‘Help me understand.’ Everything else follows from that….”
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• Don’t skip this step
Consider the story that’s being played out
Start with you, realizing you’re likely biased in your understanding of the story
Breakdown the Scene
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Clarify Your Goals and Objectives
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Goal: Improve the Relationship
“Approach conversations as opportunities for growth and relationship-building.”
Your goal: The relationship is stronger on the other side of the
interaction.
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Lesson from Improv
Improv Tenet #2
Make the Other Person Look Good
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• Before you continue
Get specific
What does success look like?
• Make it better
Clarify Your Goals and Objectives
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• Elements of Story
Characters? (Who to include—and not)
Setting? (Location, medium)
Script? (How to best achieve the goals and objectives)
Draft a New Scene
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• What are some examples of things you can do differently to better ensure understanding?
When you’re trying to understand
When you’re trying to be understood
Draft a New Scene
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Rehearse the Revision
• Consider practicing the revision
• Try on some alternatives
• How might the characters react?
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• Take the initiative to change the interactions
“Simply by changing your own behavior, you gain at least some influence over the problem.” Doug Stone
Draft a New Scene
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• Director and performer
• Watch for ‘offers’
• Adjust as necessary
Direct the New Interaction
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• Everything comes down to relationships
• Need to be actively, intentionally building trust
Invest in Relationships
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“Lazy and narcissistic networks”
Invest in Relationships
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ExampleCindy: The Tough Boss
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ExampleSam and Bill: The Hating Stakeholders
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ExampleRhonda: The Rambling Emailer
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What’s Your Example?
Talk through a communication scenario
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