The Tragedie of

Hollywood Handbook Podcast of Earwolf

[ACT 1

Scene 1. A podcasting room in the castle.]

Enter Sean and Hayes, two podcast hosts.

Sean. Cody?

Hayes. Cody?

Sean. Where is Cody?

Hayes. ‘Tis gone and will not answer.

Sean. How to record podcast, I know not.

Hayes. Let’s do’t, I pray.

Enter Ghost.

Sean. Peace, break thee off.

Hayes. In the same figure like the engineer that’s dead.

Sean. Press record, ghost of engineer Brett.

Hayes. ‘Tis recording.

Exit Ghost.

Hayes. Behold, Hollywood Handbook, a lordship’s prophesy to the crimson arras fashioned lobby of this

enterprise we regard as theatre.

Sean. How now, how now?

Hayes. ‘Tis time for gaming.

Sean. Teaser Freezer on Gulliver’s Travels.

Hayes. Jack Black. He’s fat, and scant of breath.

Sean. He is justly served.

Hayes. The sight is dismal.

Sean. Of that I shall have also cause to speak. Such a sight as this shows much amiss.

Hayes. I’ll hit him now.

Sean. Ha, ha! And yet it is almost against my conscience.

Hayes. Let’s withdraw. ‘Twill return on Hollywood Handbook.

[Scene 2. A visitor in the castle.]

Enter Andy Kneis, a beggar.

Sean. [Aside] An arrant knave.

Kneis. Sir, my good friend, I am glad to see you well.

Hayes. Hold off your hands.

Kneis. Hail to your lordship! My fate cries out.

Sean. He waxes desperate.

Kneis. Go on to podcast. I’ll follow thee.

Hayes. Wouldst thou beg?

Kneis. Each petty artere in this body beckons me. Why, what should be the fear?

Sean. You shall not go.

Kneis. It waves me still.

Sean. Be ruled. You shall not go.

Hayes. Heartily farewell.

Exit Andy Kneis.

Hayes. Something is rotten in the state of Kneis.

Sean. Alas, poor Andy.

Enter Ghost.

Ghost. I am thy engineer’s spirit. Doomed to walk the crimson arras fashioned lobby of this enterprise

we regard as theatre. I am forbid to tell the secrets of my engineers. But the secrets are good.

Sean. ‘Tis a ghost duller than the harlot’s cheek.

Ghost cries under the stage.

Exit Ghost.

[Scene 3. Guest segment in the castle.]

A flourish.

Sean. The actors are come hither, my lord.

Hayes. The best actors in the world are only men.

Enter Mr. Schmidt.

Mr. Schmidt. At your noble pleasure.

Sean. Sweet Mr. Schmidt, your beauties be the happy cause of my content.

Hayes. O, ‘tis too true.

Mr. Schmidt. Gracious, so please you.

Sean. Seeing unseen, I watched your television show with thine eyes and found offense.

Hayes. I was the more deceived.

Mr. Schmidt. ‘Tis good.

Sean. Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.

Hayes. O, woe is me t’ have seen what I have seen!

Sean. Badness in television must unwatched go.

Hayes. ‘Tis time for popcorn groundlings.

Sean. What, ho, crunchy!

Hayes. Bozos of Tennis inquires on New Girl, were the players well bestowed?

Mr. Schmidt. I must be idle.

Sean. [Aside] He has not turned his color, and has tears in’s eyes.

Hayes. I’ll have thee speak out.

Mr. Schmidt. No, not I.

Hayes. Do you hear?

Mr. Schmidt. Let those that play your clowns speak no more, for your pitiful ambition is villainous.

Exit Mr. Schmidt.

Hayes. Why, what an ass am I!

Sean. You mock him.

Hayes. These words are not mine.

Sean. No, nor mine now.

Exit Sean.

Hayes. Now I am alone. And all for nothing! Out of my weakness and my melancholy, give me the cup.

The potent poison quite o’ercrows my spirit. O, I die, the rest is silence.

Dies.

Enter Sean.

Sean. And so ‘a goes to heaven, full of bread, as flush as toilet.

[He kneels.]

Sean. Good night, sweet Prince.

[Applies as asp to his breast.]

Dies.

Enter Cody reading on a book for dummies.

Cody. Bababooey.

Dies.