the unsent letter guide

The Unsent Letter Guide Release anger by writing it out

Natalie Lue

www.baggagereclaim.com

The Unsent Letter Guide by Natalie Lue from www.baggagereclaim.com

www.baggagereclaim.com Copyright Naughty Girl Media 2010 2

UNDERSTANDING THE PURPOSE OF THE UNSENT LETTER

I’m a big advocate of using writing to understand yourself and to exorcise the pain. Hell, it was writing my blogs and sharing my thoughts with thousands of

people around the world that helped me experience huge personal change. Organising your thoughts can lend perspective and also, in the case of your

parents, help you to put some closure on things that you may believe are long buried but are actually still impacting on you now. In order to exorcise your

past, you need to find peace and closure by breaking up with and forgiving the people who still have a hold on your heart and your anger.

The goal of the Unsent Letter is to release anger by writing it out, letting you process and organise your thoughts,

and putting things to rest so that you can get over the loss of someone or take them off their pedestal, or forgive

them, or more importantly forgive yourself, giving you closure and enabling you to move on.

While a certain amount of satisfaction could be derived from letting your exes, parents, friends etc know exactly what you think, not only am I pretty sure that

they don’t want to hear all of this from you, more importantly, it actually won’t achieve the overall objective which is to move on. In fact, if you send the letter,

it’s a bit like passing the baton of your pain under the guise of believing that you’re being ‘helpful’ but actually you’re being hurtful. You’ll be prolonging your

pain and the drama that results from the dynamic that exists between you both, whether it’s directly in a confrontation or indirectly by still being angry and

continuing to allow the issues to impact you. Another unwanted side effect of sending the letter is that it will inadvertently legitimize whatever reasons they

think they have for whatever they’ve done or been – basically, don’t go there.

More often than not when we seek answers, closure, and remorse from others, they tend to disappoint and may even create more questions than answers if

you continue to rely on them to provide you with the ‘definitive’ truth’. You’re giving them too much power and you can find many of the answers within

yourself and make peace with you if you process your thoughts and keep your feet in reality. Making peace with you makes it easier to manage the

impact of these people in your life – as long as you know what’s up, you don’t need to worry about whether they’ve seen the light yet, and instead can

ensure that you now live your life with boundaries and values.



I’ve helped many women write letters to ex lovers, parents etc to enable them to find closure, and the problem tends to be knowing where to start. It took one

reader three weeks to finally write her letter because she secretly believed that writing it would make her break-up real, which is the whole point…

Some of you will find it easy enough to launch into a letter as you have a whole load of hurt waiting in the wings, but with others, it can take several attempts

or a switch to story mode, which is basically telling the story of your relationship. It might start like a fluffy fairy tale but as you write and tap into your

feelings, you won’t be able to avoid the truth and you will probably be able to switch to the unsent letter mode.

Imagine you had the chance to say exactly why you were angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurting - what would you say?

Imagine that they're listening - say it.

Make the time to sit down and write (ideally not type) a letter to each of your exes, plus if you have parental issues, write a letter to each parent too. You can

do it chronological order or in order of pain, but sit down and write a letter to each of your significant exes (or all of them if you have the time…) and anyone

else who impacts on your sense of self.

Read the letter to yourself a few times, with emotion and conviction and when you’re done, burn it. No need to create a house fire…but certainly extinguish

your negativity and set yourself free. With ex’s that you feel distraught over now, you can always hold onto it for a few months and read it back to yourself.

You’d be amazed how the passage of time and some genuine focusing on you will mean that when you look at the letters a few months down the line, you

may even laugh.

Over the next few pages I’ve put together some questions and ideas which act as prompts to get your writing juices flowing plus there is an additional

worksheet to help you. Good luck!



IN YOUR LETTER YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN:

For parents, I think that writing a letter that combines an element of story helps because you can write about events in detail that you may have buried and

challenge them with adult perspective.

If you’re having difficulty knowing where to start, then start at the beginning.

You can take most of the elements of what is needed for the ex letter (see next page) but what is important is listing the things that you believe about yourself

as a result of your interactions with them as a child.

Where possible, note the main incident or what was said to trigger that belief.

Express every unexpressed and previously expressed feeling and pour it out because what you are seeing on paper is you.

Write your earliest memory, and say how you felt, and try to capture as much as possible.

Write down what your earliest memory of your feelings about your parent(s) were.

Write down events that stand out and say why you remember them and how you felt as a result of the event. Don’t hold back and if you get upset, you’re on

the right track.

Did you feel vulnerable, unloved, abandoned, sidelined, disrespected, ignored, disregarded, unappreciated, unacknowledged, second best, third best?

Say what you have learnt about them as a result of confronting your feelings, acknowledge how you feel about them today, and accept your realisations and

forgive them.



For ex-partners, you need to break up with every last one that’s still got a hold on you.

Why you are writing to them – you want to close this particular chapter in your life, clarify why you were hurt and how the relationship or their actions affected

you, and why it is important for you to write to them now.

List exactly what you are still angry and hurt about

How you felt at the time of the break up

How they made you feel during the relationship as a result of their actions

Acknowledge your contribution

If it helps, write down what you believed them to be and now write down what you know they are in reality – acknowledgement

Be as honest as possible and vent every pent up feeling and thought until you have it down on paper.

Say what you have learnt about yourself and challenge anything negative that you have believed about yourself as a result.

Summarise what you now recognise about the relationship, and say that you forgive them, and that even though you realise that you may still love them right

now, that you are going to love you more.

If you are struggling, always ask yourself: They did this, so what did it mean to me?



SOME EXTRA TIPS

You’re writing out your anger. Don’t worry about editing – get it out on paper and focus on getting your thoughts of your head.

Start with Dear…and get writing.

What do you wish you could tell them?

If you really embrace using this exercise to vent your feelings, organize your thoughts, and get perspective on past incidents, you’ll find that your feelings

will become less intense.

Evaluate your own responsibility in the situation as well as theirs - this will help to calm you and inject objectivity so that when you’re done, you can look

at what you can do to get happier and be your authentic self enjoying life and your relationships.

You don’t have to do this all in one sitting. I highly recommend if you’re currently experiencing a stressful situation with someone like a breakup that you

do this over a series of letters - if you feel the urge to talk, write them a letter saying whatever you have to say. Initially, if you’re feeling overwhelmed to want

to speak with them or argue, sit down each day and write a letter. Let me remind you though – please don’t send it.

Use the accompanying worksheet as a prompt.

Good luck and remember, there’s nothing wrong with being angry – it’s holding it in and not processing it that causes a lot of problems



ABOUT ME

In September 2005, I started www.baggagereclaim.com as a place where I could talk about

dating, relationships, and self-esteem in a cut through the fluff, no holds barred tone. At the

time, I was experiencing some major personal epiphanies about myself, particularly about my

penchant for unavailable men, my commitment issues and long held beliefs that were impacting

my emotional health and relationship success. Since then, I’ve totally moved beyond my dating

past, have settled down and had a couple of children, but every day I work to help people

offload their baggage and discover themselves so that they can get happy. My blog is read by

over 150K unique users a month, I’ve written a few ebooks, appeared in the press, and guest

periodically on Sky News and BBC Radio.

If you’d like to get in touch with me:

Email: [email protected]

Facebook: www.facebook.com/baggagereclaim which is where I also post my quick thoughts

on everything to do with relationships

Twitter: www.twitter.com/baggagereclaim or www.twitter.com/nataliemlue

You Tube: www.youtube.com/baggagereclaim

My Ebooks: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/my-books which include Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl www.tiny.cc/mrunav and The No Contact Rule

www.tiny.cc/thenecr

You can also hire me to work with you privately: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/consultation-service

the unsent letter guide

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