theWacquetteVolume 80, Issue -1 April 1, 2008

www.theracquette.comSUNY Potsdams Student-run Newspaper since 1927

Beginning Saturday, April 5, theCrane Library will be closed to stu-dents as a team of dedicated musi-cians converts the library's soundlibrary to digital scores. It's a stepin the direction of the future, youknow? I mean, computers are thefuture, and doing anything withcomputers makes us that much moretechnologically advanced, saidJonathan Dorian, junior music busi-ness student. Dorian came up withthe idea over winter break, citingmedieval monks as his inspiration.If it worked for those guys, it willdefinitely work for us. 500 yearsof progress put us at an advantage.

Dorian's idea will be done instages. Students and faculty mem-bers involved with the project willlisten to each recording in thesound library, carefully transcrib-ing all musical lines to a fresh sheetof staff paper. Transcribers will not

be allowed to reference publishedscores, according to Dorian, sincefirstly, we need to be able to accu-rately and precisely notate possibleerrors in performance, and second-ly, it's darn good practice for kids inAural Skills II.

Once transcribed, individualswill carefully enter the score intoFinale, a popular music notationprogram. At this point, digitalcopies of the transcribed score willbe saved and archived. These digi-tal scores, or digiscores, will thenreplace the sound recordings on theshelves of the library's backroom. When students need to heara copy of a recording for study pur-poses, they will instead be handed a

CD with a file of the image of thescore. Dorian was quick to countercriticism of this element of hisplan. People say that this totallydefeats the purpose of havingrecordings of music. I say nay tothat. I feel that people should beable to audiate well enough thatthey can hear a piece of music intheir heads, simply by looking atnotes on a piece of paper. I mean,if we're not here to learn that, thenwhat are we here for?

Students interested in helpingwith transcriptions are encouragedto contact Jon Dorian or MattSikorski, the coordinators of theproject. Student worker positions areavailable starting at $35.70 an hour.

Julia E HosmerContributing Writer

Crane Library to close for six weeks inside this issueGallaghers in townSES books popular comedian totake headline spot at Springfest.

Dinosaur Comics T-Rex ponders the elusive definitionof the mysterious second base.

Ask RobocopDead or alive, says columnist/cyborg, youre coming with me.

Bears Water PoloPotsdams newest varsity sportmakes an equestrian splash.

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Photo: Marshall Mush Hughes

In a press conference late lastnight, March 31, Former formerGovernor Eliot Spitzer admitted toan elaborate prank on the part ofhimself, his family, and his staff.Not only, said Spitzer, did he notengage in sexual relations with aprostitute, he faked his steppingdown from the governor positionas well.

Oh man, said Spitzer, laughinguntil tears rolled down his cheeks.You guys actually thought Iwould be a member of an exclu-sive, illicit prostitution ring? Comeon! Im Eliot Spitzer!What kind ofmoron with my extensive knowl-edge of crime would let himselfget involved with such an organi-zation? I cant believe you boughtthat! Spitzer then turned to hiswife and they triumphantly high-fived, hugged, and kissed.

Not everyone appreciated thejoke. David Paterson, briefly thegovernor of New York State,expressed his disappointment. Ikind of wish he had let me in onthe joke, he said. Shortly afteraccepting the position of governorMarch 17, Paterson revealed thathe had engaged in an affair outsideof his marriage years earlier. Iguess I didnt really need to tell themedia about that after all, he said.

Paterson paused, laughed, andsaid, smiling, He really got us,didnt he?

How did Spitzer manage to pullthe wool over the eyes of so manymembers of the media and stateand federal government?

According to Spitzer, it was real-ly pretty easy. First, I set up a fakeMySpace page. I figured that peo-

ple would snoop around, so I gavethem something to find. Spitzercreated a profile under the fakename Ashley Alexandra Dupr.

Next, I had my buddies downat the federal government fake aninvestigation into a suspiciousmoney transfer. Once I got thatball rolling, the scandal prettymuch hyped itself!

When asked if he thought thisprank would taint his public image,Spitzer shook his head and smiled.In the past few weeks, I have beencompletely smeared and vilified bythe media. Once everyone finds outthat this was just a prank, Ill lookbetter than ever... especially com-pared to the kind of jerk everyonemust have thought I was.

Spitzer will return to his dutieson Wednesday, April 2nd. It was anice vacation, said Spitzer, butIm glad to be getting back towork.

Doug CampbellPublisher

Spitzer admits to April Fools prank

Gotcha! proclaims former ex governor.

Veni Markovski, wikimedia.com

Spitzer gleefully reveals the truthbehind his elaborate prank. Wow,he said, you guys really fell for it!

UP fundraiser auctionsoff marijuana, machete

Photo: Racquette ArchivesUniversity Police confiscate evidence at the scene of a crime. Such evidence can later be sold to the public at auc-tion to help fund University Police activities and expenses. This year, the funds will help fund Chief HarryMcHermotts going-away party at the end of the year. One confiscated bottle of prescription medicine can buy usforty cupcakes, a couple bottles of soda, and a couple large pizzas! exclaimed Lieutenant Burns.

Last weeks University PoliceAnnual Evidence Auction broughtin a total of $25,000, which will beused to offset the cost of ChiefHarry McHermotts retirementparty. Included in the auction wereseveral bags of marijuana (dividedinto ounces and eighths), a measur-ing scale, a vaporizer, a grinder,lost SUNY cards, a machete, vari-ous knives and other sharp kitchenutensils, and several bottles of pre-scription medicines.

Chief McHermott was verypleased with the success of theEvidence Auction, stating that thisyears total far exceeded past years.He said, I would like to thankeveryone who generously donatedthese items to evidence. We atUniversity Police know how much

these items meant to their originalowners and the cost incurred at thetime of donation. McHermott alsowanted to thank everyone whobought items at the auction in sup-port of his Getting out ofPotsdam party. McHermott stated,To everyone that bid in the auc-tion, I have one word: thank you.

Other officers are excited to seethat their hard workcollecting allof the evidence for the auctionwent to such a worthy cause.Lieutenant Burns, McHermottsright hand man, said, Im so gladthat the auction went well. Id liketo thank The Wacquette for theirgreat coverage of the event andtheir dedication to informing thestudents of Potsdam. McHermottdeserves a wonderful farewell. Weare truly going to miss his guidancehere at University Police.

Officer Hackett was delighted by

the student turnout at the auction.He stated, It was great to see all ofthe Potsdam students out buyingweed in support of McHermottsretirement. Its great to know thatthey will be toking up in honor ofhis name this April 20. Hackett isalso hoping that the evidence willone day returned to the inside ofthe University Police evidencelocker. He stated, Its the same olstuff. We keep putting it back onthe street, but it somehow alwaysmanages to find its way back tous.

For more information on thisyears Evidence Auction, includingnames of buyers and donators,please visit www.weedforsale.org.If anyone is interested in donatingto the annual evidence auction,please contact University Policeand be advised that fingerprintingand a court date will follow.

Felicia NeahrEditor-in-Chief

Disclaimer: This is the Wacquette. Spitzer isnt just a joker. Robocop isnt an advice columnist.Gallagher is not replacing Reel Big Fish at Springfest. Crane Library isnt closing. We dont likeThe Wiggles. But youre one of our distinguished readers. We assumed you already knew this wasphony. Were just sayin, you know? Just in case. Thanks for reading, and well see you next week.

The Meaning of LifeApparently there is some definitivemeaning, and we have it here!

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Audio recordings to be replaced with transcriptions

April 1, 2008the Wacquette2 Arts & Entertainment

www.theracquette.com

Comics

Sudoku

XKCD by Randall Munroe

www.xkcd.com

Dinosaur Comics by Ryan Noth

On Tuesday, March 18 StudentEntertainment Services (SES) announcedthat Reel Big Fish would not be the head-line act at Springfest this semester. In lieuof the ska punk band, SES is bringingcomedian and international sensationGallagher to Potsdam.

According to SES president Rob Carita,it was an easy decision. Sure, Reel BigFish would probably bring in a lot of peo-ple, but when we found out that Gallagherhad an opening for April 26, we felt likewe didn't have a choice. Carita contin-ued, We had to stop and consider, whowould attract a larger audience? A bandwith a full horn section, or a comedianwho peaked in the 80s and smasheswatermelons with a sledgehammer?

While Gallagher may be most knownfor his watermelon act, his on-stage set is

actually extremely varied. According tohis Wikipedia entry, Gallagher has alsoused his Sledge-O-Matic to smashcomputer keyboards, containers of cot-tage cheese, cartons of chocolate milk,tubes of toothpaste, pound cake... [and]Big Macs.

Gallagher has been known to criticizeother members of the current comedyscene. In a 2005 interview with TheOregonian, he said that he was frustratedwith the success of screen actors TomHanks and Michael Keaton. I went offon the road and worked. [Hanks] andMichael Keaton would meet someone inthe movie business and, bang, they're mil-lionaires and living in Beverly Hills.Meanwhile, Gallagher continued, Youhave [my] skill and ability and you'rerenting a condo.

Sophomore political science majorRory Gaines was quick to express hisexcitement when asked about the per-

formance. Oh man, the Gallagher iscoming to Potsdam? That is amazing! Hiswatermelon-smashing act is a profoundand complex commentary on the currentstate of our society as a consumer culture!I can't believe SES had the funds to booksomeone of such a high caliber.

Freshman music performance major JillHugsley agreed. Gallagher is probablythe planets most influential thinker sinceLeonardo daVinci, and by far one of thegreat leaders of our time. I'm going tomake sure to be first in line at that show.It's going to be great!

Gallagher ran for the position ofCalifornia state Governor in 2003. He fin-ished 16th.

The show will be held in Maxcy Gymon April 26th at 8 p.m. Tickets are on salenow at the SGA office. Curtis Armstrong(best known for his masterful perform-ance in Revenge of the Nerds as DudleyBooger Dawson) will be opening.

Doug CampbellPublisher

Gallagher to headline Springfest

www.okeydokeykaraoke.com

Popular comedian/performing artist Gallagher poses in apair of comically large, womens shoes. The juxtapositionof a regular-sized, mustached man and giant noveltyprops is just one example of Gallaghers incredible wit.

SES cites campus-wide hatred of watermelons, love of malletsin their decision to bring the comic legend to SUNY Potsdam

Crossword

1

Across1. Myfavorite kindof pie.

Down1. An indefi-nite article.

Insane Clown Posse

Carnival of CarnageIsland

The Wiggles

Yummy YummyKoch Records

Hanson

Middle of NowhereIsland/Mercury

Brooke Hogan

UndiscoveredSoBe Entertainment

racquette picks

Images source: Amazon.com

Visit us online at www.theRacquette.com

Above left, below: Students celebrate upon hearing that Gallagher is coming to town. Above right: Ska band Reel Big Fish.

Photos: Racquette Archives

Ask RoboCopApril 1, 2008 3the Wacquette

www.theracquette.com

College Life

Opinion & Editorial

Zach LennoxJuniorCalligraphy

Yes.

Brian MaynardSeniorAbstract ParticlePhysics

Yes.

Megan HaggettJuniorBasket Weaving Yes.

Kyle ParkerSeniorMytho-ZoologyNo!

Q: I've been seeing my boyfriend for nearlythree years now. Sometimes when I ask himabout his day, he gets nervous and stumblesover his words. Should I be concerned? Whatshould I do if I think he's cheating?

Worried in Lehman South

A: [After shooting a perp in groin.]Don't move, creep.

[To Worried]Oh, hello. Madame, you have suffered an

emotional shock. I will notify a family crisiscenter.

Q: I never have enough batteries in myhouse. Sometimes, when I want to watch t.v.,I take the batteries out of my smoke detectorand put them in the remote control. Myroommates complain, but I don't think its abig deal. Am I doing the right thing?

John from Main St.

A: You are under arrest. You have the right toremain silent...[Robocop sends John flying through a win-dow]...you have the right to an attorney...

[Robocop sends John flying through anotherwindow]...anything you say can be used against you.[Robocop sends John flying through anotherwindow]

Q: I have a meal plan this year and I'm livingon campus, but I'm moving off campus nextsemester. I cant decide whether I should orshould not have a meal plan; what kind ofmeal plan do you recommend I get?

"Hungry" in Draime

A: My digestive system is extremely simple.A processor dispenses a rudimentary pastethat sustains my organic systems. It tasteslike baby food.

Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere thereis a crime happening.

RoboCopCyborg Police Office

www.cinemastrikesback.com

When we were growing up, everymorning while our parents were atwork or running errands, we sat infront of the television watchingBarney. Barney told us that ourimagination was good, and that it'salways fun to pretend. WRONG.

When you are in class, and youpretend to see some sort of ghost-like apparition, and you pretendthat the ghost is strangling you, itisn't cool. It isn't funny. Sure,now you're the center of attention,but think of the people who you'rescaring, and the class that you'redisrupting.

I know a lot of you are thinking,

but it's a victimless crime, and I'mreally lonely. Well, YOU AREWRONG. It turns out misrepresen-tation of a spooky occurrence isn'tjust a harmless prank. It's againstthe law. That's right.

A few weeks ago, I decided topretend that some sort of specterwas stabbing me in the brain fromthe inside. I was in Principles ofMicroeconomics, and I thought itmight lighten the mood. Funny,right? Wrong.

Now I will always have a shad-ow on my permanent record andmy transcript, a mark that says toanybody who wants to know that I

pretended to be stabbed from theinside in the brain by a ghost. It'sembarrassing, but I'm just luckythat the charges weren't taken anyfurther.

Did you know that you could besuspended, or even expelled, forpretending that you're being stran-gled by a ghost? I don't want to tellyou what happens if you pretend aghost is punching in the stomach.But it's not pretty.

I hope that other people can learna lesson from my story. I don't wantanyone else's future to be negative-ly affected like mine was.

-Name withheld upon request

A victimless crime? Not always.Hey, you wanna make apolitical cartoon? Sure, what about?

Political cartoons dont have to be about anything, silly!

I support universalhealthcare.

Photos: Racquette Archives

Anthropomorphic, clothedbear visits, terrorizes campus

Last Sunday, a bear wan-dered from the wildernessonto the SUNY Potsdamcampus. According to sev-eral eye-witness accounts,the bear attacked andmauled a basketball play-er, stealing his uniform andputting it on.

The bear then wanderedinto Maxcy, where it hilari-ously rode an exercise bikein the Fitness Center forseven minutes. Shortlythereafter, the bear vicious-ly attacked several studentsusing the ellipticals.

Authorities were sooninformed of the bearspresence, and studentswere quickly alerted via

Potsdams various emer-gency alert methods.

After a lengthy chase, thebear was cornered behindBowman South and shotwith a tranquilizer dart.The bear put its hands to itscheeks in a MacaulayCaulkin-esque gesture and,stunned, fell to the ground.

Several students wereseriously injured.

Doug CampbellPublisher

Above: The bear takes a fierce stance. Below, left: The bear rides an exercise bike. Below, upperright: In Crumb, the bear coldly stalks its prey. Below, lower right: The bear is a womanizer.

Ear to the GroundAm I standing too close to you?

April 1, 2008

The Wacquette

EditorPublisher

Assistant EditorAdvisor

News EditorOp/Ed Editor

A&E Editor College Life Editor

Comics EditorSports Editor

Felicia NeahrDoug CampbellMelissa TinklepaughDr. Brian Snee

Yvonne GrecoFelicia NeahrMelissa TinklepaughAlicia SimpsonDan ColeNick Steblenko

Photo EditorBusiness Manager

Ad ManagerOnline Editor

Distribution Manager

Copy Editors

Marshall HughesDavid WattieJared KaczynskiAlison ChiassonScott Reiber

Felicia NeahrMelissa TinklepaughDoug CampbellYvonne GrecoAlicia Simpson

Address 9039 Barrington Dr.SUNY PotsdamPotsdam, NY 13676

E-mail racquett@potsdam.eduPhone (315) 267-3287Fax (315) 267-4879

The office of The Racquette is located in Room119 of the Barrington Student Union on theSUNY Potsdam campus. The Racquette is par-tially funded by the Student GovernmentAssociation of SUNY Potsdam. A distributionof 2500 copies is printed by AdirondackPublications of Saranac Lake, New York.

This is the Wacquette. These stories arent real.Thank you.

the Wacquette

Deadline for all submissions is 8 p.m. Monday before the next issue of The Racquette.

On Thursday, March 20, Potsdam's WaterPolo team had their first match. The compe-titionwhich was slightly marred by disputesover the official rules of the sportwasdecried by animal activist groups and SUNYPotsdam administrators alike.

I don't know what the problem is,remarked Coach Henry Dennis. Polo hasalways had the same basic premise. It's asport played on horseback with two teamstrying to score goals against each other.Students asked us for a water polo team, andwe gave them what they wanted: polo in thewater.

Team captain Greg Forman, junior, com-mented on the animal rights activists protests.Local high schools have donkey basketballmatches all the time, right? All we did wastake some horses, strap on some saddles, andwe pushed [the horses] into water. Hequipped, haven't they heard of 'seahorses'?

According to Forman, SUNY Geneseo'swater polo team arrived vastly under-pre-pared. everybody knows that a polo team iscomprised of four riders and their horses, but

Geneseo showed up with six guys and nohorses! We offered to let them borrow someof our mounts, but they declined. Shakinghis head, Forman mentioned, they didn'teven bring their long-handled mallets.

Potsdam ended up crushing Geneseo 30-0.They kept using their hands, said Dennis.After a while, they basically gave up. Whenthey first arrived, I heard them mutter some-thing about 'stupid horses.' Well, who's stu-pid now?

According to Dennis, reaching such anincredible level of accomplishment has notbeen easy. It took a lot of work. At first, thehorses didn't even want to go into the water.It took a lot of pushing and shoving, that's forsure. Initially, said Dennis, the team reallygot their hands dirty. I don't want to tell youhow many times we had to refill the poolbefore we had [the horses] toilet trained.

I don't know where to begin, said localPETA member/activist Sue Jordan. Howcan they possibly think that it is acceptable totreat these animals in such a manner? Theseare living, breathing creatures, and they'rebeing debased and mistreated for a stupidsport. Can horses even swim?

When informed of Jordan's statements,team member George Harrison retorted,you know, everyone who's seen Mr. Edthinks 'oh, horses are so smart, they can eventell jokes!' Well horses can't make jokes. ButI know these horses. They are smart. And,boy, do they ever like water polo.

Potsdam local Susan Carter attended thematch. It really looked like a lot of fun!Those horses seemed like they were a bitunpredictable, but I loved the mixture of ele-gant horses and the smell of chlorine. Those

boys have done something amazing here inPotsdam, and I think the community reallyowes a great deal of thanks and support tothem for their fine work.

When shown the Wikipedia entry forWater Polo, coach Henry Dennis stared atthe computer screen blankly for a moment,before gathering his thoughts. Oh... oops.

Doug CampbellPublisher

Photo: Racquette Archives

Potsdam Water Polo gallops into 1stPETA accuses competition of being cruel, unethical

Photo: Racquette Archives

Top: Somewhat confused spectators observePotsdams incredible defeat over Geneseo onThursday, March 20. Above left: There are twokinds of polo, indoor and outdoor. Here, twoplayers compete in an outdoor polo matchplayed in an in-ground pool.

Photo: Racquette ArchivesBetween periods (or chukkas) both teams con-template strategy and upcoming plays.

:-* OMG! LOL! Visit us online at www.theRacquette.com! ;-)

Upcoming events

4/1 Womens Football vs. Ithaca 4 pm4/2 Mens Curling vs. UCLA 7 pm4/4 Coed Sight Singing

Championships @ Eastman 6 pm4/5 Mens Ping Pong vs. Pdam HS

@ Potsdam 5 am

Home games are in Potsdam Maroon