Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum

Issue 65

War Criminal charged with

massacre of TV advert families

Notorious ‘Oxo butcher’ finally caught – In Swalecliffe.

A crime warlord has finally been caught after years on the run. Radovan Milosivic, who was

allegedly behind the massacres of several advert TV families, was finally caught in

Swalecliffe as he tried to buy a bottle of milk from the Londis store.

Witnesses described how police suddenly swooped on the

shop, and came out with Milosivic in handcuffs. “There were

police everywhere”, said local resident Jane Goodwin, “The

community is in shock to think that an evil monster like Milosivic

was living amongst us. He seemed so nice”.

Milosivic has been charged with the murder of both oxo

families, and also the attempted murder of John Taylor, who

wrote the ‘Only does what only oxo can’ song. John Taylor

escaped with just a broken nose when Milosivic ordered his

tanks into the village where Taylor lived, resulting in the

‘Littlebourne massacre’ in 1978. It is also alleged that Milosivic

tried to murder all members of Guys and Dolls, who sang the

song for the advert. The father from the OXO ads

Speaking from Whitstable police station, where Milosivic is being held under the prevention

of TV advert family terrorism act, Sgt Harold Par Boil told The Wind Farm, “I can confirm that

Milosivic is in custody with armed guards for company. This has been a good week for the

grieving relatives of TV advert families, and we even received a letter of thanks from Lynda

Bellingham’s husband”.

Milosivic began his campaign in the mid 70s and swore that he would eliminate ‘All the

perfect families that plague our TV because life’s not like that’. In 2007, he began a facebook

group called “I hate the oxo family” and encouraged members to ‘cleanse’ the actors that

appeared. This resulted in the fat one, the daughter, being run over in a hit and run incident

in Hampstead last year, although it was never proved that Milosivic was involved.

Moonpig.com are said to have had extra security drafted in on the set of their father’s day

card advert after Milosivic heard about the ‘nauseatingly happy’ content. “We weren’t taking

any chances with this one”, said Bill Wainright, of Right Guard security, “The script was so

bad and the scenes so poorly acted by actors who can’t get any work elsewhere, we knew

that Milosivic would try it on”.

Bert Harris, whose job it was to put one burnt cornflake in every box has died aged 98. Bert, who

joined Kellogg’s in 1937, died peacefully in his bed surrounded by family and friends last Thursday.

Speaking from Kellogg’s factory on the John Wilson trading estate in Whitstable, CEO Margaret Bath

told The Wind Farm, “ Bert was a legend within the Kellogg Company, he gave so many people

something to discuss over breakfast when they found one of our burnt cornflakes. He will be missed

for sure”.

A fellow worker, Ron Turnpike, said “Bert was dedicated

to his job and loved hiding one burnt cornflake in every

box. He was a joker alright, I remember once he put two

in the same box!” Another colleague, Gertrude Holland,

said “Sometimes, he would put one at the very bottom

of the packet, just to keep the consumer in suspense. A

lot of people looked forward to finding their burnt corn

flake, so imagine how thrilled they must have felt when

they found it in their last bowl! Bert truly understood

what it meant to find a burnt cornflake”.

Bert’s legendary dedication is said to have inspired Frank Zappa’s to write Flakes in 1978, as his

widow Gail explained, “Frank had them imported, he used to love finding that burnt flake in the

packet. There’s a glass case in his studio that contains 716 perfectly preserved flakes. One of Frank’s

biggest disappointments, other than sharing a stage with Yoko Ono, was that he never got to meet

Bert. He always wanted to”.

Bert’s funeral is next week Canterbury cemetery, and mourners will be encouraged to bring along a

burnt corn flake to drop into his grave as a mask of respect.

Dedicated burnt cornflake worker dies

The Fictional Arms darts team was celebrating this week after winning its first match

ever. The team finally found its form after 1984 world champion Keith Deller visited

the Albert Road pub for a drink.

“I noticed that the team had a somewhat unorthodox approach to playing darts”, he

told The Wind Farm, “And I stepped in to help. Now, they’re playing brilliantly”.

Team captain, Harry Fink II told us, “It’s a bit embarrassing really. For years, we’d

been throwing the dart board at the player with the darts in his hand. When Keith

showed us how it’s played properly, we all laughed. We all feel a bit foolish now!”

Fink is confident that the team can now climb the league and win the season, but

admits that there is still work to do.

“It all makes sense now. The flighty bits on the back of the dart enable

aerodynamicicity, which makes it more accurate when throwing at the dartboard.

It’s really clever!” he laughed, “If only we’d known this in 1988. That was the year we

lost Ian Stevens – he was decapitated by the dartboard”.

The Fictional Arms’ pool team is also looking forward to a change in form after

learning that the triangle can be removed from around the balls at the beginning of a

game. “Who knew!?” said team captain Mark Potter, “And get this – the chalk goes

on the small end of the cue, not the thick end”.

Get this right. Question for ya.

When was the last time you saw

puke on the streets? Ages ago

right? Like white dog poo.

Never see it anymore. Tell ya

why......it’s been cleaned up by

Vomit Elves!

Yeah, straight up....hear me

out, I didn’t believe it at first but my mate who works for Serco told me. Serco

refused to clean up puke anymore, making them feel ill and demanded double time

on a weekend to do it. Well, you know Councillor Marjory Barjory? She went behind

their backs and hired the elves that live in Clowes woods to clean it up. You know the

ones that live with Nik Kershaw? Live in a big tree, they do. Fix shoes and stuff for a

living. Anyway, Barjory rolls up one day and asks them if they’d like a job clearing up

the puke from pavements on a Saturday and Sunday morning, early like...before

anyone’s out. Doesn’t want to frighten the kids.

Pub Darts Team Wins First Match In 87 Years

Elves can be scary....anyway, she offered them less than minimum wage to do it, but

they do it anyway. Good to get out of the woods every so often. Turn up with little

pickaxes and shovels they do. Reckon they’re really quick an’ all, like ninjas. Ninja

elves. So quick that the CCTV can’t even pick them up. They looked, right? And all

the CCTV bloke saw was a load of puke disappear on its own. Like magic. Wash the

pavement down too, they do. With super soaker water guns.

Takes two to operate it, can be quite powerful. I heard that the council laid on a

modified tuk-tuk to bring them into Whitstable. Rumour has it that that that bloke off

the bank adverts drives them to work. Whassisname? Addison, from The Thick Of It.

Curly hair, lives in Whitstable. Drinks in The Pearson’s sometimes. Doesn’t get much

for driving them. Between you and me, I heard it was a bit of community service,

know what I mean. Can’t prove it, but they reckon he tried to nick some curling tongs

from boots......that’s what I heard.

Despite being the most popular show in TV history, a shock survey has revealed that

98% of people in Whitstable don’t know the words to the Big Bang Theory song. Most

admitted that the only part of the song that they joined in with was “We built the

pyramids” and the “Baaang!” at the end.

Musicologist Herman Fassbender, of the music department of the University of West

Tankerton explained, “It’s simply too fast for people to absorb, brainily. Take that

other song they did...erm....One Week. It’s a nightmare to learn the lyrics too, it’s

way too fast. Maybe if they slowed it down, some people would enjoy it more”. When

asked if he enjoyed The Big Bang Theory, Fassbender said, “No”.

Local MP and Gorilla wannabe Julian Brassiere claims he knows all the lyrics –

because he wrote it. “Yes, I did. They were struggling to come up with the words for

the theme and I received an email from them asking for help. I’m still waiting for my

royalty cheque actually”.

Most people in Whitstable don’t know the words

to The Big Bang Theory theme song: Survey reveals

Journey to the centre of Sittingbourne

Explorer Billy Hilary announced this week that his team are ready to trek to Sittingbourne.

Hilary, who climbed the notorious north face of Tankerton slopes last year, told The Wind Farm

“My team are ready and we will be leaving our Teynham base camp on Friday. We are excited

about what lay ahead. We’ve heard many a legend about this strange town”.

Very little is known about Sittingbourne to the outside world, and one of Hilary’s tasks is to find

the legendary Milton paper mill – an adventure that has so far claimed the lives of several

explorers. “We shall be trekking the A2 route and expect to be in the land of Milton by Saturday

afternoon. We also hope to find any survivors of the ill fated Conyer canoe expedition”, Hilary

added. In 1987, two canoeists set off from Conyer creek to Sittingbourne and have never been

seen since, although a backpack belonging to one of them was found washed up on Sheppey.

Ex Cartoon Character Drives Local

Bus

Popular Viz character Big Vern has hung up his shooter and is now driving a

bus in Canterbury. “I just want the quiet life

naaaah”, said Vern as he set off for Folkestone.

Big Vern, real name Vernon McNab, killed hundreds

of people, many of them policeman, before

regularly taking his own life rather than returning to

prison. Passengers were surprised to learn that

their driver was a homicidal bank robber, with

pensioner Enid Ardizonne saying “I had no idea he

used to rob banks and kill himself with a twelve

gauge. That must have caused an awful headache”.

Enid’s best friend, Mavis Sanson said, “Headache,

Yeesssss”.

Big Vern’s boss said, “He’s a changed man now, and always turns up for

work on time. That’s all we ask”.

Palaeontologists, or dinosaur experts as they’re known, shocked the world of

dinosaur expertery this week when they announced that T-Rexes were probably

experts at dancing.

A man walking his dog on the beach discovered some fossilised footprints opposite

The Neptune and immediately recognised them as dance patterns. “I’m a keen

dancer myself, and recognised the patterns as the Cha-Cha – except the footprints

were massive”, said Marvin Schimlar of Nelson Road.

Dinosaur dance Terry Dactil (Left) was called in and

confirmed that the footprints did belong to T-Rexes, but

also found evidence of the Charlston being performed also.

“They were obviously very versatile when it came to

dancing, but I suspect that they wouldn’t be good enough

to appear on strictly”.

The Wind Farm spoke to Bruce Forsythe, who just happens

to be in Kent preparing for a concert appearance at the

Hop Farm Festival, and he said, “It’s a very important

discovery, and crucial to our advancement of knowledge

concerning dancing dinosaurs. I only wish I was old

enough to have been around to watch them!”, the 112 year old performer joked.

Police have cordoned off the area whilst more dance steps are being examined, with

a further discovery of what may be footprints of Velociraptors performing the Lindy

Hop in Swalecliffe.

Dinosaurs were probably ‘Very Good Dancers’

Fossilised footprints on beach similar to Cha-Cha pattern