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Razzle Dazzle - ChicagoTHE SCENE

Chicago, Illinois. The LATE 1920S.

ACT ONE

ANNOUNCER:Welcome. Ladies and Gentlemen, you are about to see a story of murder, greed, corruption, violence, exploitation, adultery, and treachery - all those things we all hold near and dear to our hearts. Thank you.

1.OVERTURE

OVERTURE(Instrumental)

2.ALL THAT JAZZ

Velma:Come on, BabeWhy don't we paint the town?And All That Jazz

I'm gonna rouge my knees And roll my stockings downAnd All That Jazz.

Start the car I know a whoopee spot Where the gin is cold but the piano's hotIt's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawlAnd All That Jazz!

[Dance break]

Slick your hair And wear your buckle shoesAnd All That Jazz!

I hear that father dip Is gonna blow the bluesAnd All That Jazz

Hold on, hon We're gonna bunny hug I bought some Aspirin Down at United Drug

In case you shake apart And want a brand-new start To do that -

Velma & Company:Jazz!

Company: Skidoo!

Velma:And All That Jazz

Company: Hotcha!Whoopee!

Velma:And All That Jazz

Company:Hah! Hah! Hah!

Velma:It's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawl

All:And all that Jazz

(Fred Casely and Roxie Hart enter)

Fred:Listen, your husband ain't home, is he?Velma:No, her husband is not at home!Find a flask We're playing fast and loose

Company:And All That Jazz!

Velma:Right up here Is where I store the juice

Company:And All That Jazz!

Velma:Come on babeWe're gonna brush the skyI bet you lucky Lindy Never flew so high'Cause in the stratosphere How could he lend an earTo All That Jazz

Company:Oh, you're gonna see her sheba shimmy shake

Velma:And All That Jazz!

Company:Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break

Velma:And All That Jazz

Company:Show her where to park her girdleOh, her mother's blood is curdleIf she'd hearHer baby's queer For All That Jazz!

Velma: Company:And All That Jazz!Come on, Babe Oh, you're gonna seeWhy don't we paint YourThe town? ShebaAnd All That Jazz Shimmy shakeAnd All That Jazz!

I'm gonna Oh,Rouge my knees She's gonna shimmyAnd roll my 'Till her gartersStockings down Break And All That Jazz And All That Jazz

Start the car Show her where to I know a whoopee spot Park her girdleWhere the gin is cold Oh, her mother's blood'dBut the piano's hot. Curdle It's just a noisy hall If she'd hearWhere there's a nightly brawl Her baby's queerAnd All That Jazz! For All That Jazz!

Roxie:So, that's it, huh Fred?

Fred:Yeah, I'm afraid so Roxie.Roxie:Oh, Fred...Girls:Oh, Fred...Fred:Yeah?Roxie:Nobody walks out on me.

(Roxie shoots him.)

Fred:Sweetheart -Roxie:Oh, don't "sweetheart" me, you son-of-a-bitch!

(Roxie shoots him again. Fred dies.)

Company:Hotcha!Whoopee!Jazz!Roxie:Oh, I gotta pee.

(Roxie exits.)

Velma:No, I'm no one's wife But, oh, I love my life And All That Jazz!

Company:That Jazz!

3.FUNNY HONNY

ANNOUNCER:For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a songof love and devotion dedicated to her dear husband Amos.

FUNNY HONEYRoxie:Sometimes I'm rightSometimes I'm wrongBut he doesn't careHe'll string along He loves me soThat funny honey of mine!

Sometimes I'm down

Sometimes I'm upBut he follows 'roundLike some droopy-eyed pupHe loves me soThat funny honey of mine!

He ain't no sheikThat's no great physiqueLord knows he ain't got the smarts

Oh, but look at that soulI tell you, that wholeIs a whole lot greaterThan the sum of his parts

And if you knew him like meI know you'd agreeWhat if the worldSlander my name?Why, he'd be right thereTaking the blame

He loves me soAnd it all suits me fineThat funny, sunny, honeyHubby of mine!

Amos:A man's got the right to protect his home and his loved ones, right?Fogarty:Of course, he has!Amos:Well, I come in from the garage, Officer, and I see him coming through the window. With my wife Roxanne there, sleepin'...Like an angel...

Roxie: Amos:He loves me so ...an angel!That funny honey of mine!

Amos:I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated her or somethin'...you know what I mean...violated?

Fogarty:I know what you mean...Amos:...or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been. It's a good thing I came home from work on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that!

Roxie:

He loves me soThat funny honey of mine!

Fogarty:Name of deceased...Fred Casely.Amos:Fred Casely. How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him! He sold us our furniture!

Roxie:Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

Amos:She lied to me. She told me he was a burglar.Fogarty:You mean he was dead when you got home?Amos:She had him covered with a sheet and she's givin' me that cock and a bull story about this burglar, and I ought to say I did it 'cause I was sure to get off. Burglar, huh!

Roxie: Amos:Now, he shot off his trap And I believed her!That cheap little tramp. So, sheI can't stand that sap was two-timing me, huh?Well, then, she can justswing for all I care.Look at him go Boy, I'm down at the garage,Rattin' on me working my butt off fourteenWith just one more brain hours a day and she's up thereWhat half-wit he'd be munchin' on God-damn bon-bonsand jazzing. This time sheIf they string me up pushed me too far.I'll know who That little chiseler.Brought the twine Boy, what a sap I was!

That scummy, crummyDummy hubby of mine

ANNOUNCER:And now the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their rendition of the "Cell Block Tango."

4.CELL BLOCK TANGO

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:

Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

All:He had it comingHe had it comingHe only had himself to blame.If you'd have been thereIf you'd have seen it

Velma:I betcha you would have done the same!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

All:

He had it comingHe had it comingHe only had himself to blame.If you'd have been thereIf you'd have seen it

Velma:I betcha you would have done the same!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

Liz: Girls:You know how people He had it cominghave these little habits that He had it comingget you down. Like Bernie. He only had himself to blame.Bernie liked to chew gum.No, not chew. Pop. Well, I If you'd have been therecame home this one day and If you'd have seen itI am really irritated, and I betcha you would looking for a little sympathy Have done the same!and there's Bernie layin' on He had it comingthe couch, drinkin' a beer and He had it comingchewin'. No, not chewin'. He only had himself to blame.Popin'. So, I said to him, I If you'd have been theresaid, "Bernie, you pop that If you'd have seen itgum one more time..." I betcha you would And he did! Have done the same!

Liz:So I took the shotgun off the walland fired two warning shots......into his head.

All:He had it comingHe had it comingHe only had himself to blame.

If you'd have been thereIf you'd have heard itI betcha you would Have done the same!

Liz: Girls:I met Ezekiel Young from He had it comingSalt Lake City about two years ago He had it comingand he told me he was single He only had himself and we hit it off right away. To blame.So, we started living together. If you'd have been thereHe'd go to work, he'd come work, I'd mix If you'd have seen itHim a drink, we'd have dinner. Well, it was I betcha you would like heaven in two and a half rooms. Have done the same!And then I found out, He had it coming"Single" he told me? He had it comingSingle, my ass. Not only was he married. He only had himself ...oh, no, he had six wives. To blame.One of those Mormons, If you'd have been thereyou know. So that night when If you'd have seen ithe came home. I mixed him I betcha you would his drink as usual. Have done the same!

Annie:You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!

Liz, Annie, June, Mona: Velma & Hunyak:Hah! He had it coming Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,He had it coming Cicero, Lipschitz!He took a flower In its primeAnd the he used it Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,And he abused it Cicero, Lipschitz! It was a murderBut not a crime!

June: Girls:Now, I'm standing in the kitchen Pop, Six, carvin' up the chicken for dinner, Squish, Uh-Uh,minding my own business, Cicero, Lipschitz!and in storms my husband Wilbur, Pop, Six, in a jealous rage. Squish, Uh-Uh,"You been screwin' the milkman," Cicero, Lipschitz!he says. He was crazy Pop, Six, and he kept on screamin' Squish, Uh-Uh,"You been screwin' the milkman," Cicero, Lipschitz!

June:And then he ran into my knife! He ran into my knife TEN TIMES!

All:

If you'd have been thereIf you'd have seen itI betcha you would have done the same!

Hunyak:Mit keresek, enn itt? Azt mondjok, hogy lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tetten. Probaltam a rendorsegen megmagyarazni de nem ertettek meg...

June:Yeah, but did you do it?Hanyak:UH UH, not guilty!

Velma: Girls:My sister, Veronica, and I did this double act He had it comingand my husband, Charlie, used to travel He had it cominground with us. Now for the last number in He only had our act, we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a Himself row, one, two, three, four, five... To blame.Splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, If you'd have been thereone right after the other. Well, this one night If you'd have seen itwe are in Cicero, the three of us, sittin' up I betcha in a hotel room, boozin' and havin' a few You would laughs and we ran out of ice, Have done so I went out to get some. The same!I come back, open the door He had And there's Veronica and It comingCharlie doing Number Seventeen He had -the spread eagle. It coming...

Velma:Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead.

Girls:They had it comingThey had it comingThey had it coming all along.I didn't do itBut if I'd done itHow could you tell me that I was wrong?

Velma: Girls:They had it comingThey had it coming They had it comingThey had it comingThey had it comingThey took a flower

All alongIn its primeI didn't do itAnd then they used itBut if I'd done itAnd they abused itHow could you tell meIt was a murderThat I was wrong? But not a crime!

Mona: Girls:I love Alvin Lipschitz He had it comingMore than I can possibly say. He had it comingHe was a real artistic guy... He only had Sensitive...a painter. Himself tBut he was troubled. To blame.He was always trying If you'd have been to find himself. ThereHe'd go out every night If you'd have seen itlooking for himself I betcha and along the way You would he found Ruth, Have done Gladys, The same!Rosemary and Irving.

Mona:I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead.

All:The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bumThe dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

Liz, Annie, Mona: Velma, June, Hunyak:They had it comin'They had it comin'They had it comin'They had it comin'They had it comin'They had it comin'All alongAll along'Cause if they used us'Cause if they used usAnd they abused usAnd they abused usHow could you tell usHow could you tell usThat we were wrong? That we were wrong?

Velma, June, Hunyak:He had it comingHe had it comingHe only had Himself To blame.If you'd have been thereIf you'd have seen itI betcha You would Have done The same!

Liz:You pop that gum one more time!

Annie:Single my ass.

June:Ten times!

Hunyak:Miert csukott Uncle Sam bortonbe.

Velma:Number Seventeen - the spread eagle.

Mona:Artistic differences.

All:I betcha you would have done the same!

ANNOUNCER:And now, Ladies and Gentlemen - the Keeper of the Keys, the Countess of the Clink, the Mistress of Murder's row - Matron "Mama" Morton!

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