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FX
JAN251975
"JV
INTRODUCTION
THEgreatestofEnglishdramatistsexceptShakespeare,thefirstliterarydictatorandpoet-laureate,awriterofverse,prose,satire,andcriticismwhomostpotentlyofallthemenofhistimeaffectedthesubsequentcourseofEnglishletters:suchwrasBenJonson,andassuchhisstrongpersonalityassumesaninteresttousalmostunparalleled,atleastinhisage.BenJonsoncameofthestockthatwascenturiesaftertogivetotheworldThomasCarlyle;forJonson'sgrandfatherwasofAnnandale,overtheSolway,whencehemigratedtoEngland.Jonson'sfatherlosthisestateunderQueenMary,"havingbeencastintoprisonandforfeited."Heenteredthechurch,butdiedamonthbeforehisillustrioussonwasborn,leavinghiswidowandchildinpoverty.Jonson'sbirthplacewrasWestminster,andthetimeofhisbirthearlyin1573.HewasthusnearlytenyearsShakespeare'sjunior,andlesswelloff,ifatriflebetterborn.ButJonsondidnotprofitevenbythisslightadvantage.Hismothermarriedbeneathher,awrightorbricklayer,andJonsonwasforatimeapprenticedtothetrade.Asayouthheattractedtheattentionofthefamousantiquary,WilliamCamden,thenusheratWestminsterSchool,andtherethepoetlaidthesolidfoundationsofhisclassicallearning.JonsonalwaysheldCamdeninveneration,acknowledgingthattohimheowed,
AllthatIaminarts,allthatIknow;
anddedicatinghisfirstdramaticsuccess,"EveryManinHisHumour,"tohim.ItisdoubtfulwhetherJonsoneverwenttoeitheruniversity,thoughFullersaysthathewas"statut-ablyadmittedintoSt.John'sCollege,Cambridge."Hetellsusthathetooknodegree,butwaslater"MasterolArtsinboththeuniversities,bytheirfavour,nothisstudy."WhenamereyouthJonsonenlistedasasoldier,trailinghispikeinFlandersintheprotractedwarsofWilliamtheSilentagainsttheSpanish.Jonsonwasalargeandraw-bonedlad;hebecamebyhisownaccountintimeexceedinglybulky.InchatwithhisfriendWilliamDrummondofHawthornden,
Jonsontoldhow"inhisserviceintheLowCountrieshehad,inthefaceofboththecamps,killedanenemy,andtakenopimaspoliafromhim;'andhow"sincehiscomingtoEngland,beingappealedtothefields,hehadkilledhisadversarywhichhadhurthiminthearmandwhoseswordwastenincheslongerthanhis."Jonson'sreachmayhavemadeupforthelackofhissword;certainlyhisprowesslostnothinginthetelling.ObviouslyJonsonwasbrave,combative,andnotaversetotalkingofhimselfandhisdoings.
In1592,Jonsonreturnedfromabroadpenniless.Soonafterhemarried,almostasearlyandquiteasimprudentlyasShakespeare.HetoldDrummondcurtlythat"hiswifewasashrew,yethonest";forsomeyearshelivedapartfromherinthehouseholdofLordAlbany.Yettwo
touchingepitaphsamongJonson'sEpigrams,"Onmyfirstdaughter,"and"Onmyfirstson,"attestthewarmthofthepoet'sfamilyaffections.Thedaughterdiedininfancy,thesonoftheplague;anothersongrewuptomanhoodlittlecredittohisfatherwhomhesurvived.WeknownothingbeyondthisofJonson'sdomesticlife.
HowsoonJonsondriftedintowhatwenowcallgrandly"thetheatricalprofession'1wedonotknow.In1593,Marlowemadehistragicexitfromlife,andGreene,Shakespeare'sotherrivalonthepopularstage,hadprecededMarloweinanequallymiserabledeaththeyearbefore.Shakespearealreadyhadtherunningtohimself.JonsonappearsfirstintheemploymentofPhilipHenslowe,theexploiterofseveraltroupesofplayers,manager,andfather-in-lawofthefamousactor,EdwardAlleyn.FromentriesinHenslowe'sDiary,aspeciesoftheatricalaccountbookwhichhasbeenhandeddowntous,weknowthatJonsonwasconnectedwiththeAdmiral'smen;forheborrowed£4ofHenslowe,July28,1597,payingback35.9d.onthesamedayonaccountofhis"share"(inwhatisnotaltogetherclear);whilelater,onDecember3,ofthesameyear,Hensloweadvanced2os.tohim"uponabookwhichheshowedtheplotuntothecompanywhichhepromisedtodeliveruntothecompanyatChristmasnext."InthenextAugustJonsonwasincollaborationwithChettleandPorterinaplaycalled"HotAngerSoonCold."AllthispointstoanassociationwithHensloweofsomeduration,asnomeretyrowouldbethuspaidinadvanceuponmerepromise.FromallusionsinDekker'splay,"Satiromastix,"itappearsthatJonson,like
Shakespeare,beganlifeasanactor,andthathe"ambledinaleatherpitchbyaplay-wagon"takingatonetimethepartofHieronimoinKyd'sfamousplay,"TheSpanishTragedy."Bythebeginningof1598,Jonson,thoughstillinneedycircumstances,hadbeguntoreceiverecognition.FrancisMeres—wellknownforhis"ComparativeDiscourseofourEnglishPoetswiththeGreek,Latin,andItalianPoets,"printedin1598,andforhismentionthereinofadozenplaysofShakespearebytitle—accordstoBenJonsonaplaceasoneof"ourbestintragedy,"amatterofsomesurprise,asnoknowntragedyofJonsonfromsoearlyadatehascomedowntous.ThatJonsonwasatworkontragedy,however,isprovedbytheentriesinHensloweofatleastthreetragedies,nowlost,inwhichhehadahand.Theseare"PageofPlymouth,""KingRobertII.ofScotland,"and"RichardCrookback."Butallofthesecamelater,onhisreturntoHenslowe,andrangefromAugust1599toJune1602.
Returningtotheautumnof1598,aneventnowhappenedtoseverforatimeJonson'srelationswithHenslowe.InalettertoAlleyn,datedSeptember26ofthatyear,Henslowewrites:"Ihavelostoneofmycompanythathurtethmegreatly;thatisGabriel[Spencer],forheisslaininHogsdenfieldsbythehandsofBenjaminJonson,bricklayer."ThelastwordisperhapsHenslowe'sthrustatJonsoninhisdispleasureratherthanadesignationofhisactualcontinuanceathistradeuptothistime.ItisfairtoJonsontoremark,however,thathisadversaryappearstohavebeenanotoriousfire-eaterwhohadshortlybeforekilledoneFeekeinasimilarsquabble.Duellingwasafrequentoccurrenceofthetimeamonggentlemenandthenobility;itwasanimpudentbreachofthepeaceonthepartofaplayer.ThisduelistheonewhichJonsondescribedyearsaftertoDrummond,andforitJonsonwasdulyarraignedatOldBailey,tried,andconvicted.Hewassenttoprisonandsuchgoodsandchattelsashehad"wereforfeited."Itisathoughttogiveonepausethat,butfortheancientlawpermittingconvictedfelonstoplead,asitwascalled,thebenefitofclergy,Jonsonmighthavebeenhangedforthisdeed.Thecircumstancethatthepoetcouldreadandwritesavedhim;andhe
receivedonlyabrandoftheletter"T,"forTyburn,onhisleftthumb.WhileinjailJonsonbecameaRomanCatholic;buthereturnedtothefaithoftheChurchofEnglandadozenyearslater.
Onhisrelease,indisgracewithHensloweandhisformer
associates,JonsonofferedhisservicesasaplaywrighttoHenslowe'srivals,theLordChamberlain'scompany,inwhichShakespearewasaprominentshareholder.Atraditionoflongstanding,thoughnotsusceptibleofproofinacourtoflaw,narratesthatJonsonhadsubmittedthemanuscriptof"EveryManinHisHumour"totheChamberlain'smenandhadreceivedfromthecompanyarefusal;thatShakespearecalledhimback,readtheplayhimself,andatonceacceptedit.Whetherthisstoryistrueornot,certainitisthat"EveryManinHisHumour"wasacceptedbyShakespeare'scompanyandactedforthefirsttimein1598,withShakespearetakingapart.TheevidenceofthisiscontainedinthelistofactorsprefixedtothecomedyinthefolioofJonson'sworks,1616.Butitisamistaketoinfer,becauseShakespeare'snamestandsfirstinthelistofactorsandtheelderKno'wellfirstinthedramatispersons,thatShakespearetookthatparticularpart.TheorderofalistofElizabethanplayerswasgenerallythatoftheirimportanceorpriorityasshareholdersinthecompanyandseldomifevercorrespondedtothelistofcharacters.
"EveryManinHisHumour"wasanimmediatesuccess,andwithitJonson'sreputationasoneoftheleadingdramatistsofhistimewasestablishedonceandforall.ThiscouldhavebeenbynomeansJonson'searliestcomedy,andwehavejustlearnedthathewasalreadyreputedoneof"ourbestintragedy."Indeed,oneofJonson'sextantcomedies,"TheCaseisAltered,"butoneneverclaimedbyhimorpublishedashis,mustcertainlyhavepreceded"EveryManinHisHumour"onthestage.TheformerplaymaybedescribedasacomedymodelledontheLatinplaysofPlautus.(Itcombines,infact,situationsderivedfromthe"Captivi"andthe"Aulularia"ofthatdramatist).Buttheprettystoryofthebeggar-maiden,Rachel,andhersuitors,Jonsonfound,notamongtheclassics,butintheidealsofromanticlovewhichShakespearehadalreadypopularisedonthestage.JonsonneveragainproducedsofreshandlovableafemininepersonageasRachel,althoughinotherrespects"TheCaseisAltered"isnotaconspicuousplay,and,saveforthesatirisingofAntonyMundayinthepersonofAntonioBalladinoandGabrielHarveyaswell,isperhapstheleastcharacteristicofthecomediesofJonson.
"EveryManinHisHumour,"probablyfirstactedlateinthesummerof1598andattheCurtain,iscommonlyregarded
asanepoch-makingplay;andthisviewisnotunjustified.Astoplot,ittellslittlemorethanhowaninterceptedletterenabledafathertofollowhissupposedlystudioussontoLondon,andthereobservehislifewiththegallantsofthetime.Therealqualityofthiscomedyisinitspersonagesandinthetheoryuponwhichtheyareconceived.BenJonsonhadtheoriesaboutpoetryandthedrama,andhewasneithercharyintalkingofthemnorinexperimentingwiththeminhisplays.ThismakesJonson,likeDrydeninhistime,andWordsworthmuchlater,anauthortoreckonwith;particularlywhenwerememberthatmanyofJonson'snotionscameforatimedefinitelytoprevailandtomodifythewholetrendofEnglishpoetry.FirstofallJonsonwasaclassicist,thatis,hebelievedinrestraintand
precedentinartinoppositiontotheprevalentungovernedandirresponsibleRenaissancespirit.Jonsonbelievedthattherewasaprofessionalwayofdoingthingswhichmightbereachedbyastudyofthebestexamples,andhefoundtheseexamplesforthemostpartamongtheancients.Toconfineourattentiontothedrama,Jonsonobjectedtotheamateurishnessandhaphazardnatureofmanycontemporaryplays,andsethimselftodosomethingdifferent;andthefirstandmoststrikingthingthatheevolvedwashisconceptionandpracticeofthecomedyofhumours.
AsJonsonhasbeenmuchmisrepresentedinthismatter,letusquotehisownwordsasto"humour."Ahumour,accordingtoJonson,wasabiasofdisposition,awarp,sotospeak,incharacterbywhich
SomeonepeculiarqualityDothsopossessaman,thatitdothdrawAllhisaffects,hisspirits,andhispowers,Intheirconfluctions,alltorunoneway.
Cutcontinuing,Jonsoniscarefultoadd:
Butthatarookbywearingapiedfeather,Thecablehat-band,orthethree-piledru.i,Ayardofshoe-tie,ortheSwitzerskn>tOnhisFrenchgarters,shouldaffectahumour!O,itismorethanmostridiculous.
Jonson'scomedyofhumours,inaword,conceivedofsi.personagesonthebasisofarulingtraitorpas-ion(anot.il>:simplificationofactuallifebeitobservedinposing);and.placingthesetypifiedtraitsinjuxtapositionintheirconflictandcontrast,struckthesparkofcomedy.Downright,ashisnameindicates,is"aplainsquire";Bubadill'shum'»iu
thatofthebraggartwhoisincidentally,andwithdelightfullycomiceffect,acoward;Brainworm'shumouristhefindingoutofthingstotheendoffoolingeverybody:ofcourseheisfooledintheendhimself.ButitwasnotJonson'stheoriesalonethatmadethesuccessof"EveryManinHisHumour."Theplayisadmirablywrittenandeachcharacterisvividlyconceived,andwithafirmtouchbasedonobservationofthemenoftheLondonoftheday.Jonsonwasneitherinthis,hisfirstgreatcomedy(norinanyotherplaythathewrote),asupineclassicist,urgingthatEnglishdramareturntoaslavishadherencetoclassicalconditions.Hesaysastothelawsoftheoldcomedy(meaningby"laws,"suchmattersastheunitiesoftimeandplaceandtheuseofchorus):"Iseenotthen,butweshouldenjoythesamelicence,orfreepowertoillustrateandheightenourinventionasthey[theancients]did;andnotbetiedtothosestrictandregularformswhichthenicenessofafew,whoarenothingbutform,wouldthrustuponus.""EveryManinHisHumour"iswritteninprose,anovelpracticewhichJonsonhadofhispredecessorincomedy,JohnLyly.Eventheword"humour"seemstohavebeenemployedintheJonsoniansensebyChapmanbeforeJonson'suseofit.Indeed,thecomedyofhumoursitselfisonlyaheightenedvarietyofthecomedyofmannerswhichrepresentslife,viewedatasatiricalangle,andistheoldestandmostpersistentspeciesofcomedyinthelanguage.Nonetheless,Jonson'scomedymeriteditsimmediatesuccessandmarkedoutadefinitecourseinwhichcomedylongcontinuedtorun.TomentiononlyShakespeare'sFalstaffandhisrout,Bardolph,Pistol,DameQuickly,andtherest,whetherin"HenryIV."orin"TheMerryWivesofWindsor,"allareconceivedinthespiritofhumours.Soarethecaptains,Welsh,Scotch,andIrishof"HenryV.,"andMalvolioespeciallylater;thoughShakespeareneveremployedthemethodofhumoursforan
importantpersonage.ItwasnotJonson'sfaultthatmanyofhissuccessorsdidpreciselythethingthathehadreprobated,thatis,degrade"thehumour"intoanoddityofspeech,aneccentricityofmanner,ofdress,orcutofbeard.Therewasananonymousplaycalled"EveryWomaninHerHumour."Chapmanwrote"AHumourousDay'sMirth,"Day,"HumourOutofBreath,"Fletcherlater,"TheHumourousLieutenant,"andJonson,besides"EveryManOutofHisHumour,"returnedtothetitleinclosingthecycleofhiscomediesin"TheMagneticLadyorHumoursReconciled."
Withtheperformanceof"EveryManOutofHisHumour"in1599,byShakespeare'scompanyoncemoreattheGlobe,weturnanewpageinJonson'scareer.Despitehismanyrealvirtues,ifthereisonefeaturemorethananyotherthatdistinguishesJonson,itishisarrogance;andtothismaybeaddedhisself-righteousness,especiallyundercriticismorsatire."EveryAlanOutofHisHumour"isthefirstofthree"comicalsatires"whichJonsoncontributedtowhatDekkercalledthepoetomachiaorwarofthetheatresasrecentcriticshavenamedit.Thisplayasafabricofplotisaveryslightaffair;butasasatiricalpictureofthemannersofthetime,proceedingbymeansofvividcaricature,couchedinwittyandbrilliantdialogueandsustainedbythatrighteousindignationwhichmustlieattheheartofalltruesatire—asarealisation,inshort,oftheclassicalidealofcomedy—therehadbeennothinglikeJonson'scomedysincethedaysofAristophanes."EveryManinHisHumour,"likethetwoplaysthatfollowit,containstwokindsofattack,thecriticalorgenerallysatiric,levelledatabusesandcorruptionsintheabstract;andthepersonal,inwhichspecificapplicationismadeofallthisinthelampooningofpoetsandothers,Jonson'scontemporaries.Themethodofpersonalattackbyactualcaricatureofapersononthestageisalmostasoldasthedrama.AristophanessolampoonedEuripidesin"TheAcharnians"andSocratesin"TheClouds,"tomentionnootherexamples;andinEnglishdramathiskindofthingisalludedtoagainandagain.WhatJonsonreallydid,wastoraisethedramaticlampoontoanart,andmakeoutofacasualburlesqueandbitofmimicrvadramaticsatireofliterarypretensionsandpermanency.Withthearrogantattitudementionedaboveandhisuncommoneloquenceinscorn,vituperation,andinvective,itisnowonderthatJonsonsooninvolvedhimselfinliteraryandevenpersonalquarrelswithhisfellow-authors.Thecircumstancesoftin*originofthispoetomachiaarefarfromclear,andthosewhohavewrittenonthetopic,exceptoflate,havenothelpedtomakethemclearer.Theoriginofthe'war'li.isl><-.-nreferredtosatiricalreferences,apparentlytoJonson,contain'1in"TheScourgeofVillainy,"asatireinregularformalterthemanneroftheancientsbyJohnMarston,afellowj>>\\-right,subsequentfriendandcollaboratorofJonson's.Ontheotherhand,epigramsofJonsonhavebeendiscovered(49,68,and100)variouslycharging'playwright'(reasonablyidentifiedwithMarston)withscurrility,cowardice,an-1
plagiarism;thoughthedatesoftheepigramscannotbeascertainedwithcertainty.Jonson'sownstatementofthemattertoDrummondruns:"HehadmanyquarrelswithMarston,beathim,andtookhispistolfromhim,wrotehisPoetasteronhim;thebeginning[s]ofthemwerethatMarstonrepresentedhimonthestage."l
Hereatleastweareoncertainground;andtheprincipalsofthequarrelareknown."Histriomastix,"aplayrevisedbyMarstonin1598,hasbeenregardedastheoneinwhichJonsonwasthus"representedonthestage";althoughthepersonageinquestion,Chrisogonus,apoet,satirist,andtranslator,poorbutproud,andcontemptuousofthe
commonherd,seemsratheracomplimentaryportraitofJonsonthanacaricature.Astothepersonagesactuallyridiculedin"EveryManOutofHisHumour,"CarloBuffonewasformerlythoughtcertainlytobeMarston,ashewasdescribedas"apublic,scurrilous,andprofanejester,"andelsewhereasthegrandscourgeorseconduntruss[thatis,satirist],ofthetime'(JosephHallbeingbyhisownboastthefirst,andMarston'sworkbeingentitled"TheScourgeofVillainy").ApparentlywemustnowpreferforCarloanotoriouscharacternamedCharlesChester,ofwhomgossipyandinaccurateAubreyrelatesthathewas"aboldimpertinentfellow...aperpetualtalkerandmadeanoiselikeadruminaroom.SoonetimeatatavernSirWalterRaleighbeatshimandsealsuphismouth(thatishisupperandhisnetherbeard)withhardwax.FromhimBenJonsontakeshisCarloBuffone[i.e.,jester]in'EveryManinHisHumour'[sic]."IsitconceivablethatafterallJonsonwasridiculingMarston,andthatthepointofthesatireconsistedinanintentionalconfusionof"thegrandscourgeorseconduntruss'with"thescurrilousandprofane"Chester?
Wehavedigressedintodetailinthisparticularcasetoexemplifythedifficultiesofcriticisminitsattemptstoidentifytheallusionsintheseforgottenquarrels.WeareonsoundergroundoffactinrecordingothermanifestationsofJonson'senmity.In"TheCaseisAltered"thereisclearridiculeinthecharacterAntonioBalladinoofAnthonyMunday,pageant-poetofthecity,translatorofromancesandplaywrightaswell.
1ThebestaccountofthiswholesubjectistobefoundintheeditionofPoetasterandSatiromastrixbyJ.H.PennimaninBellesLettresSeriesshortlytoappear.Seealsohisearlierwork,TheWaroftheTheatres,1892,andtheexcellentcontributionstothesubjectbyH.C.HartinNotesandQueries,andinhiseditionofJonson,1906.
In"EveryManinHisHumour"thereiscertainlyacaricatureofSamuelDaniel,acceptedpoetofthecourt,sonneteer,andcompanionofmenoffashion.ThesemenheldrecognisedpositionstowhichJonsonfelthistalentsbetterentitledhim;theywerehencetohimhisnaturalenemies.Itseemsalmostcertainthathepursuedbothinthepersonagesofhissatirethrough"EveryManOutofHisHumour,"and"Cynthia'sRevels,"DanielunderthecharactersFastidiousBriskandHedon,MundayasPuntarvoloandAmorphus;butintheselastweventureonquagmireoncemore.Jonson'sliteraryrivalryofDanielistraceableagainandagain,intheentertainmentsthatwelcomedKingJamesonhiswaytoLondon,inthemasquesatcourt,andinthepastoraldrama.AstoJonson'spersonalambitionswithrespecttothesetwomen,itisnotablethathebecame,notpageant-poet,butchronologertotheCityofLondon;andthat,ontheaccessionofthenewking,hecamesoontotriumphoverDanielastheacceptedentertainerofroyalty.
"Cynthia'sRevels,"thesecond"comicalsatire,"wasactedin1600,and,asaplay,isevenmorelengthy,elaborate,andimpossiblethan"EveryManOutofHisHumour."Herepersonalsatireseemstohaveabsorbedeverything,andwhilemuchofthecaricatureisadmirable,especiallyinthedetailofwittyandtrenchantlysatiricaldialogue,thecentralideaofafountainofself-loveisnotverywellcarriedout,andthepersonsrevertattimestoabstractions,theactiontoallegory.ItaddstoourwonderthatthisdifficultdramashouldhavebeenactedbytheChildrenofQueenElizabeth'sChapel,amongthemNathanielFieldwithwhomJonsonreadHoraceandMartial,andwhomhetaughtlaterhowtomakeplays.AnotheroftheseprecociouslittleactorswasSalathielPavy,whodiedbeforehewasthirteen,
alreadyfamedfortakingthepartsofoldmen.HimJonsonimmortalisedinoneofthesweetestofhisepitaphs.Aninterestingsidelightisthisonthecharacterofthisredoubtableandruggedsatirist,thatheshouldthushavebefriendedandtenderlyrememberedtheselittletheatricalwaifs,someofwhom(asweknow)hadbeenliterallykidnappedtobepressedintotheserviceofthetheatreandwhippedtotheconningoftheirdifficultparts.TothecaricatureofDanielandMundayin"Cynthia'sRevels"mustbeaddedAnaides(impudence),hereassuredlyMarston,andAsotus(theprodigal),interpretedasLodgeor,moreperilously,Raleigh.Crites,likeAsper-Macilcntein"EveryManOutof
HisHumour,"isJonson'sself-complaisantportraitofhimself,thejust,whollyadmirable,andjudiciousscholar,holdinghisheadhighabovethepackoftheyelpingcursofenvyanddetraction,butcarelessoftheirpunyattacksonhisperfectionswithonlytoomindfulaneglect.
Thethirdandlastofthe"comicalsatires"is"Poetaster,"acted,oncemore,bytheChildrenoftheChapelin1601,andJonson'sonlyavowedcontributiontothefray.Accordingtotheauthor'sownaccount,thisplaywaswritteninfifteenweeksonareportthathisenemieshadentrustedtoDekkerthepreparationof"Satiromastix,theUntrussingoftheHumorousPoet,"adramaticattackuponhimself.InthisattempttoforestallhisenemiesJonsonsucceeded,and"Poetaster"wasanimmediateanddeservedsuccess.Whilehardlymorecloselyknitinstructurethanitsearliercompanionpieces,"Poetaster'isplannedtoleaduptotheludicrousfinalsceneinwhich,afteradeviceborrowedfromthe"Lexi-phanes"ofLucian,theoffendingpoetaster,Marston-Crispinus,ismadetothrowupthedifficultwordswithwhichhehadoverburdenedhisstomachaswellasoverlardedhisvocabulary.IntheendCrispinuswithhisfellow,Dekker-Demetrius,isboundovertokeepthepeaceandneverthenceforward"malign,traduce,ordetractthepersonorwritingsofQuintusHoratiusFlaccus[Jonson]oranyothereminentmantranscendingyouinmerit."OneofthemostdivertingpersonagesinJonson'scomedyisCaptainTucca."Hispeculiarity'hasbeenwelldescribedbyWardas"abuoyantblackguardismwhichrecoversitselfinstantaneouslyfromthemostcompleteexposure,andapicturesquenessofspeechlikethatofawalkingdictionaryofslang."
Itwasthischaracter,CaptainTucca,thatDekkerhituponinhisreply,"Satiromastix,"andheamplifiedhim,turninghisabusivevocabularybackuponJonsonandadding"animmodestytohisdialoguethatdidnotenterintoJonson'sconception."Ithasbeenheld,altogetherplausibly,thatwhenDekkerwasengagedprofessionally,sotospeak,towriteadramaticreplytoJonson,hewasatworkonaspeciesofchroniclehistory,dealingwiththestoryofWalterTerillinthereignofWilliamRufus.Thishehurriedlyadaptedtoincludethesatiricalcharacterssuggestedby"Poetaster,"andfashionedtoconveythesatireofhisreply.TheabsurdityofplacingHoraceinthecourtofaNormankingistheresult.ButDekker'splayisnotwithoutitspalpablehitsatthe
arrogance,theliterarypride,andself-righteousnessofJonson-Horace,whose"ningle"orpal,theabsurdAsiniusBubo,hasrecentlybeenshowntofigureforth,inalllikelihood,Jonson'sfriend,thepoetDrayton.Slightandhastilyadaptedasis"Satiromastix,"especiallyinacomparisonwiththebetterwroughtandmoresignificantsatireof"Poetaster,"thetownawardedthepalmtoDekker,nottoJonson;andJonsongaveoverinconsequencehis
practiceof"comicalsatire."ThoughJonsonwascitedtoappearbeforetheLordChiefJusticetoanswercertainchargestotheeffectthathehadattackedlawyersandsoldiersin"Poetaster,"nothingcameofthiscomplaint.Itmaybesuspectedthatmuchofthisfuriousclatterandgive-and-takewaspureplayingtothegallery.Thetownwasagogwiththestrife,andonnolessanauthoritythanShakespeare("Hamlet,"ii.2),welearnthatthechildren'scompany(actingtheplaysofJonson)did"soberattlethecommonstages...thatmany,wearingrapiers,areafraidofgoose-quills,anddarescarcecomethither."
Severalotherplayshavebeenthoughttobearagreaterorlesspartinthewarofthetheatres.Amongthemthemostimportantisacollegeplay,entitled"TheReturnfromParnassus,"dating1601-02.Initamuch-quotedpassagemakesBurbage,asacharacter,declare:"Whyhere'sourfellowShakespeareputsthemalldown;ayeandBenJonson,too.OthatBenJonsonisapestilentfellow;hebroughtupHorace,givingthepoetsapill,butourfellowShakespearehathgivenhimapurgethatmadehimbewrayhiscredit."WasShakespearethenconcernedinthiswarofthestages?Andwhatcouldhavebeenthenatureofthis"purge"?Amongseveralsuggestions,"TroilusandCressida"hasbeenthoughtbysometobetheplayinwhichShakespearethus"putdown"hisfriend,Jonson.Awiserinterpretationfindsthe"purge"in"Satiromastix,"which,thoughnotwrittenbyShakespeare,wasstagedbyhiscompany,andthereforewithhisapprovalandunderhisdirectionasoneoftheleadersofthatcompany.
ThelastyearsofthereignofElizabeththussawJonsonrecognisedasadramatistsecondonlytoShakespeare,andnotsecondeventohimasadramaticsatirist.ButJonsonnowturnedhistalentstonewfields.Playsonsubjectsderived-fromclassicalstoryandmythhadheldthestagefromthebeginningofthedrama,soth.iiSh.ikcspearewasmakingnonewdeparturewhenhewrotehis"JuliusCaesar"about1600
ThereforewhenJonsonstaged"Sejanus,"threeyearslaterandwithShakespeare'scompanyoncemore,hewasonlyfollowingintheelderdramatist'sfootsteps.ButJonson'sideaofaplayonclassicalhistory,ontheonehand,andShakespeare'sandtheelderpopulardramatists,ontheother,wereverydifferent.Heywoodsomeyearsbeforehadputfivestragglingplaysonthestageinquicksuccession,allderivedfromstoriesinOvidanddramatisedwithlittletasteordiscrimination.Shakespearehadafinerconceptionofform,butevenhewascontentedtotakeallhisancienthistoryfromNorth'stranslationofPlutarchanddramatisehissubjectwithoutfurtherinquiry.Jonsonwasascholarandaclassicalantiquarian.Hereprobatedthisslipshodamateurishness,andwrotehis"Sejanus"likeascholar,readingTacitus,Suetonius,andotherauthorities,tobecertainofhisfacts,hissetting,andhisatmosphere,andsomewhatpedanticallynotinghisauthoritiesinthemarginwhenhecametoprint.'Sejanus"isatragedyofgenuinedramaticpowerinwhichistoldwithdiscriminatingtastethestoryofthehaughtyfavouriteofTiberiuswithhistragicaloverthrow.OurdramapresentsnotruernormorepainstakingrepresentationofancientRomanlifethanmaybefoundinJonson's"Sejanus"and"CatilinehisConspiracy,"whichfollowedin1611.Apassageintheaddressoftheformerplaytothereader,inwhichJonsonreferstoacollaborationinanearlierversion,hasledtothesurmisethatShakespearemayhavebeenthat"worthierpen."Thereisnoevidencetodeterminethematter.
In1605,wefindJonsoninactivecollaborationwithChapmanandMarstonintheadmirable
comedyofLondonlifeentitled"EastwardHoe."Inthepreviousyear,Marstonhaddedicatedhis"Malcontent,"intermsoffervidadmiration,toJonson;sothatthewoundsofthewarofthetheatresmusthavebeenlongsincehealed.BetweenJonsonandChapmantherewasthekinshipofsimilarscholarlyideals.Thetwocontinuedfriendsthroughoutlife."EastwardHoe"achievedtheextraordinarypopularityrepresentedinademandforthreeissuesinoneyear.Butthiswasnotdueentirelytothemeritsoftheplay.Initsearliestversionapassagewhichanirritablecourtierconceivedtobederogatorytohisnation,theScots,sentbothChapmanandJonsontojail;butthematterwassoonpatchedup,forbythistimeJonsonhadinfluenceatcourt.
WiththeaccessionofKingJames,Jonsonb^ganhislongandsuccessfulcareerasawriterofmasques.Hewrotemoremasquesthanallhiscompetitorstogether,andtheyareofanextraordinaryvarietyandpoeticexcellence.Jonsondidnotinventthemasque;forsuchpremeditateddevicestosetandframe,sotospeak,acourtballhadbeenknownandpractisedinvaryingdegreesofelaborationlongbeforehistime.ButJonsongavedramaticvaluetothemasque,especiallyinhisinventionoftheantimasque,acomedyorfarcicalelementofrelief,entrustedtoprofessionalplayersordancers.Heenhanced,aswell,thebeautyanddignityofthoseportionsofthemasqueinwhichnoblelordsandladiestooktheirpartstocreate,bytheirgorgeouscostumesandartisticgroupingandevolutions,asumptuousshow.OnthemechanicalandscenicsideJonsonhadaninventiveandingeniouspartnerinInigoJones,theroyalarchitect,whomorethananyonemanraisedthestandardofstagerepresentationintheEnglandofhisday.JonsoncontinuedactiveintheserviceofthecourtinthewritingofmasquesandotherentertainmentsfarintothereignofKingCharles;but,towardstheend,aquarrelwithJonesembitteredhislife,andthetwotestyoldmenappeartohavebecomenotonlyaconstantirritationtoeachother,butintolerableboresatcourt.In"Hymenaei,""TheMasqueofQueens,""LoveFreedfromIgnorance,""LoversmadeMen.""PleasureReconciledtoVirtue,"andmanymorewillbefoundJonson'saptitude,histaste,hispoetryandinventivenessintheseby-formsofthedrama;whilein"TheMasqueofChristmas,"and"TheGipsiesMetamorphosed"especially,isdiscoverablethatpowerofbroadcomedywhich,atcourtaswellasinthecity,wasnottheleastelementofJonson'scontemporarypopularity.
ButJonsonhadbynomeansgivenupthepopularstagewhenheturnedtotheamusementofKingJames.Ini-"Yolpone"wasproduced,"TheSilentWoman"in1609,"TheAlchemist'inthefollowingyear.Thesecomedies,with"BartholomewFair,"1614,representJonsonathisheight,andforconstructivecleverness,charactersuccessfullyconceivedinthemannerofcaricature.\\-\\am!brilliancyofdialogue,theystandaloneiuFuglishdrama."Yolpciu',ortheFox,"is,inasense,atransitionplayfromtic-dramaticsatiresofthe\varofthetheatrestothepurercomedyrepresentedintheplaysnamedabove.Itssub]--t[5,(Mniggleofwitappliedtochicanery;foramongit>thanuilisperson,r.
fromthevillainousFoxhimself,hisrascallyservantMosca,Voltore(thevulture),CorbaccioandCorvino(thebigandthelittleraven),toSirPoliticWould-beandtherest,thereisscarcelyavirtuouscharacterintheplay.Questionhasbeenraisedastowhetherastorysoforbiddingcanbeconsideredacomedy,for,althoughtheplotendsinthediscomfitureandimprisonmentofthemostvicious,itinvolvesnomortalcatastrophe.ButJonsonwasonsoundhistoricalground,for"Volpone"isconceivedfarmorelogicallyonthelinesoftheancients'theoryofcomedythanwasevertheromanticdramaofShakespeare,however
repulsivewemayfindaphilosophyoflifethatfacilelydividestheworldintotheroguesandtheirdupes,and,identifyingbrainswithrogueryandinnocencewithfolly,admirestheformerwhileinconsistentlypunishingthem.
"TheSilentWoman"isagiganticfarceofthemostingeniousconstruction.Thewholecomedyhingesonahugejoke,playedbyaheartlessnephewonhismisanthropicuncle,whoisinducedtotaketohimselfawife,young,fair,andwarrantedsilent,butwho,intheend,turnsoutneithersilentnorawomanatall.In"TheAlchemist,"again,wehavetheutmostclevernessinconstruction,thewholefabricbuildingclimaxonclimax,witty,ingenious,andsoplausiblypresentedthatweforgetitsdeparturesfromthepossibilitiesoflife.In"TheAlchemist'Jonsonrepresented,nonethelesstothelife,certainsharpersofthemetropolis,revellingintheirshrewdnessandrascalityandinthevarietyofthestupidityandwickednessoftheirvictims.Wemayobjecttothefactthattheonlypersonintheplaypossessedofascrupleofhonestyisdiscomfited,andthatthegreatestscoundrelofallisapprovedintheendandrewarded.Thecomedyissoadmirablywrittenandcontrived,thepersonagesstandoutwithsuchlifelikedistinctnessintheirseveralkinds,andthewholeisanimatedwithsuchverveandresourcefulnessthat"TheAlchemist"isanewmarveleverytimeitisread.Lastlyofthisgroupcomesthetremendouscomedy,"BartholomewFair,"lessclearcut,lessdefinite,andlessstructurallyworthyofpraisethanitsthreepredecessors,butfullofthekeenestandcleverestofsatireandinventivetoadegreebeyondanyEnglishcomedysavesomeotherofJonson'sown.Itisin"BartholomewFair"thatwearepresentedtotheimmortalcaricatureofthePuritan,Zeal-in-the-LandBusy,andtheLittlewitsthatgroupabouthim,anditisinthis
extraordinarycomedythatthehumourofJonson,alwaysopentothisdanger,loosensintotheRabelaisianmodethatsodelightedKingJamesin"TheGipsiesMetamorphosed."Anothercomedyoflessmeritis"TheDevilisanAss,"actedin1616.ItwasthefailureofthisplaythatcausedJonsontogiveoverwritingforthepublicstageforaperiodofnearlytenyears.
1Volpone'waslaidastosceneinVenice.Whetherbecauseofthesuccessof"EastwardHoe"orforotherreasons,theotherthreecomediesdeclareinthewordsoftheprologueto"TheAlchemist":
OursceneisLondon,'causewewouldmakeknownNocountry'smirthisbetterthanourown.
IndeedJonsonwentfurtherwhenhecametorevisehisplaysforcollectedpublicationinhisfolioof1616,hetransferredthesceneof'EveryManinHisHumour"fromFlorencetoLondonalso,convertingSigniorLorenzodiPazzitoOldKno'well,ProsperotoMasterWelborn,andHespcridatoDameKitely"dwellingi'theOldJewry."
InhiscomediesofLondonlife,despitehistrendtowardscaricature,Jonsonhasshownhimselfagenuinerealist,drawingfromthelifeabouthimwithanexperienceandinsightrareinanygeneration.AhappycomparisonhasbeensuggestedbetweenBenJonsonandCharlesDickens.Bothweremenofthepeople,lowlybornandhardlybred.EachknewtheLondonofhistimeasfewmenknewit;andeachrepresenteditintimatelyandinelaboratedetail.Bothmenwereatheartmoralists,seekingthetruthbytheexaggeratedmethodsof
humourandcaricature;perverse,evenwrong-headedattimes,butpossessedofatruepathosandlargenessofheart,andwhenallhasbeensaid—thoughtheElizabethanrantosatire,theVictoriantosentimentality—leavingtheworldbetterfortheartthattheypractisedinit.
In1616,theyearofthedeathofShakespeare,Jonsoncollectedhisplays,hispoetry,andhismasquesforpublicationinacollectiveedition.ThiswasanunusualthingatthetimeandhadbeenattemptedbynodramatistbeforeJonson.Thisvolumepublished,inacarefullyrevisedtext,alltheplaysthusfarmentioned,excepting"TheCaseisAltered."whichJonsondidnotacknowledge,"BartholomewEair,"and"TheDevilisanAss,"whichwaswrittentoolate.ItincludedlikewiseabookofsomehundredandthirtyoddE^tgiains,in
whichformofbriefandpungentwritingJonsonwasanacknowledgedmaster;"TheForest,"asmallercollectionoflyricandoccasionalverseandsometenMasquesandEntertainments.InthissameyearJonsonwasmadepoetlaureatewithapensionofonehundredmarksayear.This,withhisfeesandreturnsfromseveralnoblemen,andthesmallearningsofhisplaysmusthaveformedthebulkofhisincome.Thepoetappearstohavedonecertainliteraryhack-workforothers,as,forexample,partsofthePunicWarscontributedtoRaleigh'sHistoryoftheWorld.Weknowfromastory,littletothecreditofeither,thatJonsonaccompaniedRaleigh'ssonabroadinthecapacityofatutor.In1618JonsonwasgrantedthereversionoftheofficeofMasteroftheRevels,apostforwhichhewaspeculiarlyfitted;buthedidnotlivetoenjoyitsperquisites.Jonsonwashonouredwithdegreesbybothuniversities,thoughwhenandunderwhatcircumstancesisnotknown.Ithasbeensaidthathenarrowlyescapedthehonourofknighthood,whichthesatiristsofthedayaverredKingJameswaswonttolavishwithanindiscriminatehand.WorsemenweremadeknightsinhisdaythanworthyBenJonson.
From1616tothecloseofthereignofKingJames,Jonsonproducednothingforthestage.Buthe"prosecuted"whathecalls"hiswontedstudies'withsuchassiduitythathebecameinreality,asbyreport,oneofthemostlearnedmenofhistime.Jonson'stheoryofauthorshipinvolvedawideacquaintancewithbooksand"anability,"asheputit,"toconvertthesubstanceorrichesofanotherpoettohisownuse."AccordinglyJonsonreadnotonlytheGreekandLatinclassicsdowntothelesserwriters,butheacquaintedhimselfespeciallywiththeLatinwritingsofhislearnedcontemporaries,theirproseaswellastheirpoetry,theirantiquitiesandcuriousloreaswellastheirmoresolidlearning.Thoughapoorman,Jonsonwasanindefatigablecollectorofbooks.HetoldDrummondthat"theEarlofPembrokesenthim£20everyfirstdayofthenewyeartobuynewbooks."Unhappily,in1623,hislibrarywasdestroyedbyfire,anaccidentserio-comicallydescribedinhiswittypoem,"AnExecrationuponVulcan."Yetevennowabookturnsupfromtimetotimeonwhichisinscribed,infairlargeItalianlettering,thename,BenJonson.WithrespecttoJonson'suseofhismaterial,Drydensaidmemorablyofhim:"[He]wasnotonlyaprofessedimitatorofHorace,butalearnedplagiaryofallthe
others;youtrackhimeverywhereintheirsnow....Buthehasdonehisrobberiessoopenlythatoneseeshefearsnottobetaxedbyanylaw.Heinvadesauthorslikeamonarch,andwhatwouldbetheftinotherpoetsisonlyvictoryinhim."AndyetitisbutfairtosaythatJonsonpridedhimself,andjustly,onhisoriginality.In"Catiline,"henotonlyusesSallust'saccountoftheconspiracy,buthemodelssomeofthespeechesofCiceroontheRoman
orator'sactualwords.In"Poetaster,"heliftsawholesatireoutofHoraceanddramatisesiteffectivelyforhispurposes.ThesophistLibaniussuggeststhesituationof"TheSilentWoman";aLatincomedyofGiordanoBruno,"IICandelaio,"therelationofthedupesandthesharpersin"TheAlchemist,"the"Mostellaria"ofPlautus,itsadmirableopeningscene.ButJonsoncommonlybetteredhissources,andputtingthestampofhissovereigntyonwhateverbullionheborrowedmadeitthenceforwardtoalltimecurrentandhisown.
ThelyricandespeciallytheoccasionalpoetryofJonsonhasapeculiarmerit.Histheorydemandeddesignandtheperfectionofliteraryfinish.Hewasfurthestfromtherhap-sodistandthecarelesssingerofanidleday;andhebelievedthatApollocouldonlybeworthilyservedinsingingrobesandlaurelcrowned.AndyetmanyofJonson'slyricswillliveaslongasthelanguage.Whodoesnotknow"Queenandhuntress,chasteandfair,""Drinktomeonlywiththineeyes,"or"Stilltobeneat,stilltobedressed"?Beautifulinform,deftandgracefulinexpression,withnotawon!toomuchoronethatbearsnotitspartinthetotaleffect,thereisyetaboutthelyricsofJonsonacertainstiffnessandformality,asuspicionthattheywerenotquitespontaneousandunbidden,butthattheywerecarved,sotospeak,withdisproportionatelabourbyapotentmanofletterswhosehabitualthoughtisongreaterthings.ItisforthesereasonsthatJonsonisevenbetterintheepigramandinoccasional\<whererhetoricalfinishandpointedwitlessinterferewiththespontaneityandemotionwhichweusuallyassociatewithlyricalpoetry.TherearenosuchepitaphsasHenJonson's,witnessthecharmingonesonhisownchildren,onSalathn'lPavy,thechild-actor,andmanymore;andthiseventhoughtherigidlawofmineandthinemustnowrestoretoWilliamBrowneofTavistockthefamouslinesl>'-"inning:"I'nd'T-neaththissablehearJonsonisunsurpassed,too,inthe
ditiicultpoetryofcompliment,seldomlal'.inxintoli<
praiseanddisproportionatesimilitude,yetshowingagainandagainagenerousappreciationofworthinothers,adiscriminatingtasteandagenerouspersonalregard.TherewasnomaninEnglandofhisranksowellknownanduniversallybelovedasBenJonson.Thelistofhisfriends,ofthosetowhomhehadwrittenverses,andthosewhohadwrittenversestohim,includesthenameofeverymanofprominenceintheEnglandofKingJames.Andthetoneofmanyoftheseproductionsdisclosesanaffectionatefamiliaritythatspeaksfortheamiablepersonalityandsoundworthofthelaureate.In1619,growingunwieldythroughinactivity,JonsonhitupontheheroicremedyofajourneyafoottoScotland.Onhiswaythitherandbackhewashospitablyreceivedatthehousesofmanyfriendsandbythosetowhomhisfriendshadrecommendedhim.WhenhearrivedinEdinburgh,theburgessesmettogranthimthefreedomofthecity,andDrummond,foremostofScottishpoets,wasprondtoentertainhimforweeksashisguestatHawthornden.SomeofthenoblestofJonson'spoemswereinspiredbyfriendship.Suchisthefine"OdetothememoryofSirLuciusGaryandSirHenryMoryson,"andthatadmirablepieceofcriticalinsightandfilialaffection,prefixedtothefirstShakespearefolio,"Tothememoryofmybelovedmaster,WilliamShakespeare,andwhathehathleftus,"tomentiononlythese.Norcantheearlier"Epode,"beginning"Nottoknowviceatall,"bematchedinstatelygravityandgnomicwisdominitsownwiseandstatelyage.
ButifJonsonhaddesertedthestageafterthepublicationofhisfolioanduptotheendofthe
reignofKingJames,hewasfarfrominactive;foryearafteryearhisinexhaustibleinventivenesscontinuedtocontributetothemasquingandentertainmentatcourt.In"TheGoldenAgeRestored,"PallasturnstheIronAgewithitsattendantevilsintostatueswhichsinkoutofsight;in"PleasureReconciledtoVirtue,"Atlasfiguresrepresentedasanoldman,hisshoulderscoveredwithsnow,andComus,"thegodofcheerorthebelly,"isoneofthecharacters,acircumstancewhichanimaginativeboyoften,namedJohnMilton,wasnottoforget."Pan'sAnniversary,"lateinthereignofJames,proclaimedthatJonsonhadnotyetforgottenhowtowriteexquisitelyrics,and"TheGipsiesMetamorphosed"displayedtheolddrolleryandbroadhumorousstrokestillunimpairedandunmatchable.These,too,andtheearlieryearsofCharleswerethedaysoftheApolloRoomoftheDevilTavernwhereJonsonpresided.
theabsolutemonarchofEnglishliteraryn.>homi.i.\\>hearofaroomblazonedaboutwithJonson'sownjudicious/Convivalesinlettersofgold,ofacompanymadeupofthechoicestspiritsofthetime,devotedlyattachedtotheirveterandictator,hisreminiscences,opinions,affections,andenmitiesAndwehear,too,ofvalorouspotations;but,intheu,,,<-Herrickaddressedtohismaster,Jonson.attheDevilTavern,asattheDog,theTripleTun,andattheMerma;
WesuchclustershadAsmadeusnoblywild,notmad,AndyeteachverseofthineOutdidthemeat,outdidthefrolicwine.
ButthepatronageofthecourtfailedinthedaysofKin-Charles,thoughJonsonwasnotwithoutroyalfavours;andtheoldpoetreturnedtothestage,producing,betwern[625and1633,"TheStapleofNews,""TheNewInn,""1MagneticLady,"and"TheTaleofaTub."thelastdoubt;revisedfromamuchearliercomedy.NoneofthesepUv-metwithanymarkedsuccess,althoughthescathi11.14general!tionofDrydenthatdesignatedthem"Jonson'sdo:unfairtotheirgenuinemerits.Thustheideaofanotiiceforthegathering,properdressing,andpromul-.i:ionofne\\-(wildflightofthefancyinitstime)wasanexcellentsub;forsatireontheexistingabsurditiesamongnew-moalthoughasmuchcanhardlybesaidforTli<-Magn<Lady,"who,inherbounty,drawstoherpersonagesofditti-rim/humourstoreconcilethemintheendaccordingtothealternativetitle,or"HumoursReconciled."TheseListpl.iv-theolddramatistreverttocaricatureandthehardh:allegory;themoralistismorethaneverpresent,tin-satin-degeneratesintopersonallampoon,especiallyofIn-sometimefriend,InigoJones,whoappearsunworthilytohaveusedhi-influenceatcourtagainstthebroken-downoldport.AndnowdiseaseclaimedJonson,andhewasl>--driddenformonthsMehadsucceededMiddletoninioj.sasChronologeitoth»-CityofLondon,butlostthepo-tfornotfulfillingitsdirKingCharlesbefriendedhim,andevenconiiiiis-n.n.-,!himt»writestillfortheentertainmentofth<-«ourl..mdh<-\\withoutthesustaininghandofnol.lepatrons.mddfriendsamongtheyoungerpoetswhowereproudtol>ofthetribeofBen."
Jonsondied,August6,1637,andasecondf<>ho<»thi-w<>rk-
whichhehadbeensometimegathering,wasprintedin1640,bearinginitsvariouspartsdatesrangingfrom1630to1642.Itincludedalltheplaysmentionedintheforegoingparagraphs,excepting"TheCaseisAltered;"themasques,somefifteen,thatdatebetween1617and1630;anothercollectionoflyricsandoccasionalpoetrycalled"Underwoods,
includingsomefurtherentertainments;atranslationof"Horace'sArtofPoetry"(alsopublishedinavicesimoquartoin1640),andcertainfragmentsandingatheringswhichthepoetwouldhardlyhaveincludedhimself.Theselastcomprisethefragment(lessthanseventylines)ofatragedycalled"MortimerhisFall,"andthreeactsofapastoraldramaofmuchbeautyandpoeticspirit,"TheSadShepherd."ThereisalsotheexceedinglyinterestingEnglishGrammar"madebyBenJonsonforthebenefitofallstrangersoutofhisobservationoftheEnglishlanguagenowspokenandinuse,"inLatinandEnglish;andTimber,orDiscoveries"madeuponmenandmatterastheyhaveflowedoutofhisdailyreading,orhadtheirrefluxtohispeculiarnotionofthetimes."TheDiscoveries,asitisusuallycalled,isacommonplacebooksuchasmanyliterarymenhavekept,inwhichtheirreadingwaschronicled,passagesthattooktheirfancytranslatedortranscribed,andtheirpassingopinionsnoted.ManypassagesofJonson'sDiscoveriesareliteraltranslationsfromtheauthorshechancedtobereading,withthereference,notedornot,astheaccidentofthemomentprescribed.AttimeshefollowsthelineofMacchiavelli'sargumentastothenatureandconductofprinces;atothersheclarifieshisownconceptionofpoetryandpoetsbyrecoursetoAristotle.HefindsachoiceparagraphoneloquenceinSenecatheelderandappliesittohisownrecollectionofBacon'spowerasanorator;andanotheronfacileandreadygenius,andtranslatesit,adaptingittohisrecollectionofhisfellow-playwright,Shakespeare.Tocallsuchpassages—\vhichJonsonneverintendedforpublication-plagiarism,istoobscurethesignificanceofwords.Todisparagehismemorybycitingthemisapreposteroususeofscholarship.Jonson'sprose,bothinhisdramas,inthedescriptivecommentsofhismasques,andintheDiscoveries,ischaracterisedbyclarityandvigorousdirectness,norisitwantinginafinesenseofformorinthesubtlergracesofdiction.
WhenJonsondiedtherewasaprojectforahandsomemonumenttohismemory.ButtheCivilWarwasathand,
andtheprojectfailed.Amemorial,notinsufficient,wascarvedonthestonecoveringhisgraveinoneoftheaislesofWestminsterAbbey:
"OrareBenJonson."
FELIXE.SCHELLING.
SELECTBIBLIOGRAPHY
DRAMAS.EveryManinhisHumour,4to,1601;TheCaseisAltered,4to,1609;EveryManoutofhisHumour,410,1600;Cynthia'sRevels,4to,1601;Poetaster,4to,1602;Sejanus,4to,1605;EastivardHo(withChapmanandMarston),4to,1605;Volpone,4to,1607;Epicoene,ortheSilentWoman,4to,1609(?),fol.,1616;TheAlchemist,4to,1612;Catiline,hisConspiracy,4to,1611;BartholomewFayre,4to,1614(?),fol.,1631;TheDivellisanAsse,fol.,1631;TheStapleofNewes,fol.,1631;TheNewSun,8vo,1631,fol.,1692;TheMagneticLady,orHumoursReconcild,fol.,1640;ATaleofaTub,fol.,1640;TheSadShepherd,oraTaleofRobinHood,fol.,1641;MortimerhisFall(fragment),fol.,1640.
ToJonsonhavealsobeenattributedadditionstoKyd'sJeronymo,andcollaborationinTheWidowwithFletcherandMiddleton,andintheBloodyBrotherwithFletcher.
POEMS.Epigrams,TheForrest,Underwoods,publishedinfols.,1616,1640;Selections:ExecrationagainstVulcan,andEpigrams,1640;G.Hor.FlaccushisartofPoetry,EnglishedbyBenJonson,1640;LegesConvivialis,fol.,1692.OtherminorpoemsfirstappearedinGifiord'seditionofWorks.
PROSE.Timber,orDiscoveriesmadeuponMenandMatter,fol.,1641;TheEnglishGrammar,madebyBenJonsonforthebenefitofstrangers,fol.,1640.
MasquesandEntertainmentswerepublishedintheearlyfolios.
WORKS.Fol.,1616,vol.2,1640(1631-41);fol.,1692,1716-19,1729;editedbyP.Whalley,7vols.,1756;byGifford(withMemoir),9vols.,1816,1846;re-editedbyF.Cunningham,3vols.,1871;in9vols.,1875;byBarryCornwall(withMemoir),1838;byB.Nicholson(MermaidSeries),withIntroductionbyC.H.Herford,1893,etc.;NinePlays,1904;ed.H.C.Hart(StandardLibrary),1906,etc.;PlaysandPoems,withIntroductionbyH.Morley(UniversalLibrary),1885;Plays(7)andPot-ins(Xf-wnes),1905;Poems,withMemoirbyH.Bennett(CarltonClassics),1907;MasquesandEntertainments,ed.byH.Morley,1890.
SELECTIONS.J.A.Symonds,withBiographicalandCriticalEss.iv(CanterburyPoets),1886;Grosart:BraveTranslunaryThings,1895;Arl.fr:JonsonAnthology,1901;Underwoods:CambridgeUniversityPress,1905;Lyrics(Jonson,BeaumontandFletcher),TheChapBooks,No.4,1906;Songs(fromPlays,Masques,etc.),withearliestknownsetting,IignyPress,1906.
BIOGRAPHYANDCRITICISM.A.C.Swinburne:AStudyofBenJons/m,1884;L.C.Knights:l);\nn/iandSocietyintiu'AgeofJonson,1937;G.13.Johnston:lit'nJonson,poet,19-15;G.li.Ijrntlry:Shakespeareand1945-
DRAMATISPERSONS
LORENZOSENIOR.PROSPERO.THORELI.O.GIULIANO.
LORENZOJUNIOR.STEPHANO.DOCTORCLEMENTBOBADILLA.
BlAN'CHA.
HESPEKIDA.
PETO.
Musco.
COB.
MATHEO.Piso.TIB.
ACTI
SCEXEI.—EnterLORENZODIPAZZIsenior,Musco.
Lor.se.Nowtrustme,here'sagoodlydaytoward.Musco,callupmysonLorenro;bidhimrise;tellhim,Ihavesomebusinesstoemployhimin.
Mus.Iwill,sir,presently.
Lor.se.Buthearyou,sirrah;Ifhebeatstudydisturbhimnot.
MILS.Verygood,sir.[ExitMusco.
Lor.se.Howhappywould1estimatemyself,CouldIbyanymeansretiremyson,Fromonevaincourseofstudyheaffects!Heisascholar(ifamanmaytrustTheliberalvoiceofdouble-tonguedreport)Ofdearaccount,inallourAcademies.YetthispositionmustnotbreedinmeAfastopinionthathecannoterr.Myselfwasonceastudent,andindeedFedwiththeself-samehumourheisnow,DreamingonnoughtbutidlePoetry;
Butsince,Experiencehathawakedmyspirits,[EnterSTEFFIANO.Andreasontaughtthem,howtocomprehendThesovereignuseofstudy.What,cousinStephano!Whatnewswithyou,thatyouareheresoearly?
Step.Nothing:bute'encometoseehowyoudo,uncle.
Lor.se.That'skindlydone;youarewelcome,cousin.
Step.Ay,Iknowthat,sir,Iwouldnothavecomeelse:howdothravcousin,uncle?
*/
Lor.se.Oh,well,well,goinandsee;Idoubthe'sscarcestirringyet.
Step.Uncle,aforeIgoin,canyoutellmeanhehavee'eralioi)kofthesciencesofhawkingandhunting?Iwouldfainborrowit.
Lor.se.Why,Ihopeyouwillnotahawkingnow,willyou?
Step.No,wusse;butI'llpractiseagainstnextyear;Ihave
1Theearlierversionofthecomedyishereforthefirsttimeplar*<1altheheadoftheplays.Thelater,superior,andmorefamiliarAnglicisedversion,followsattheendofthevolume.
BenJonson'sPlays
boughtmeahawk,andbellsandall;Ilacknothingbutabooktokeepitby.
Lor.se.Oh,mostridiculous.
Step.Nay,lookyounow,youareangry,uncle,why,youknow,anamanhavenotskillinhawkingandhuntingnow-a-days,I'llnotgivearushforhim;heisfornogentleman'scompany,and(byGod'swill)Iscornit,ay,soIdo,tobeaconsortforeveryhum-drum;hangthemscroyles,there'snothinginthemintheworld,whatdoyoutalkonit?agentlemanmustshewhimselflikeagentleman.Uncle,Iprayyoubenotangry,IknowwhatIhavetodo,Itrow,Iamnonovice.
Lor.se.Goto,youareaprodigal,andself-willedfool.Nay,neverlookatme,it'sIthatspeak,Take'tasyouwill,I'llnotflatteryou.What?haveyounotmeansenowtowasteThatwhichyourfriendshaveleftyou,butyoumustGocastawayyourmoneyonaBuzzard,Andknownothowtokeepitwhenyouhavedone?Oh,it'sbrave,thiswillmakeyouagentleman,Well,cousin,well,Iseeyouaree'enpasthopeOfallreclaim;ay,so,nowyouaretoldonit,youlookanotherway.
Step.Whatwouldyouhavemedo,trow?
Lor.WhatwouldIhaveyoudo?marry,Learntobewise,andpractisehowtothrive,ThatIwouldhaveyoudo,andnottospendYourcrownsoneveryonethathumoursyou:IwouldnothaveyoutointrudeyourselfIneverygentleman'ssociety,Tilltheiraffectionsoryourowndessert,Doworthilyinviteyoutotheplace.Forhethat'ssorespectlessinhiscourses,Oftsellshisreputationvileandcheap.LetnotyourcarriageandbehaviourtasteOfaffectation,lestwhileyoupretendTomakeablazeofgentrytotheworldAlittlepuffofscornextinguishit,Andyoubeleftlikeanunsavourysnuff,Whosepropertyisonlytooffend.Cousin,laybysuchsuperficialforms,Andentertainaperfectrealsubstance;Standnotsomuchonyourgentility,Butmoderateyourexpenses(nowatfirst)Asyoumaykeepthesameproportionstill:Bearalowsail.Soft,who'sthiscomeshere?[EnteraServant.
Ser.Gentlemen,Godsaveyou.
Step.Welcome,goodfriend;wedonotstandmuchuponourgentility,yetIcanassureyoumineuncleisamanofathousandpoundlandayear;hehathbutonesoninthe\\orld;Iam
hisnextheir,assimpleasIstandhere,ifmycousindie.Ihaveafail'livingofmineowntoobeside.
Ser.Ingoodtime,sir.
Step.Ingoodtime,sir!youdonotfloutme,doyou?
Ser.NotI,sir.
Step.Anyoushould,herebethemcanperceiveit,andthatquicklytoo.Goto;andtheycangiveitagainsoundly,anneedbe.
Ser.Why,sir,letthissatisfyyou.Goodfaith,Ihadnosuchintent.
Step.ByGod,anIthoughtyouhad,sir,Iwouldtalkwithyou.
Ser.Soyoumay,sir,andatyourpleasure.
Step.AndsoIwould,sir,anyouwereoutofmineuncle'sground,Icantellyou.
Lor.se.Why,hownow,cousin,willthisne'erbeleft?
Step.Whoreson,basefellow,byGod'slid,an'twerenotforshame,Iwould—
Lor.se.Whatwouldyoudo?youperemptoryass,Anyou'llnotbequiet,getyouhence.Yousee,thegentlemancontainshimselfInmodestlimits,givingnoreplyToyourunseason'drudecomparatives:Yetyou'lldemeanyourselfwithoutrespectEitherofdutyorhumanity.
Go,getyouin:'foreGod,Iamasham'd[ExitStep.
Thouhastakinsman'sinterestinme.
Ser.Iprayyou,sir,isthisPazzihouse?
Lor.se.Yes,marryisit,sir.
Ser.Ishouldenquireforagentlemanhere,oneSigniorLorenzodiPazzi;doyouknowanysuch,sir,Iprayyou?
Lor.se.Yessir;orelseIshouldforgetmyself.
Ser.Icryyoumercy,sir,IwasrequestedbyagentlemanofFlorence(havingsomeoccasiontoridethisway)todeliveryouthisletter.
Lor.se.Tome,sir?Whatdoyoumean?Iprayyourememberyourcourt'sy.
Tohisdearandmostselectedfriend,SigniorLorenzodiPazzi.Whatmightthegentleman'snamebe,sir,thatsentit?Nay,prayy<>ubecovered.
Ser.SigniorProspero.
Lor.se.SigniorProspero?AyounggentlemanofthefamilyofSlrozzi,ishenot?
Ser.Ay,sir,thesame:SigniorThorcllo,therichFlorpntinemerchantmarriedhissister.[EnterAii.scu.
L«r.se.Yousayverytrue.—Musco.
J///.s.Sir.
L<>r.se.Makethisgentlemandrinkhere.
^Prayyoug°in,sir,an'tpli-a.seyou.|/•;.,-,„„/.
Xou-(withoutdoii!)t)thisletter'stomyson.Well,allisone:I'llbesoboldasreadit,Beitbutforthestyletssake,andthephrase;Bothwhich(Idopresume)areexcellent,Andgreatlyvariedfromthevulgarform,
BenJonson'sPlays
IfProsperousinventiongavethemlife.Hownow!whatstunishere?
SirLorenzo,/musewecannotseeiheeatFlorence:'Sblood,Idoubt,ApollohathgottheetobehisIngle,thattlioucomestnotabroad,tovisitthineoldfriends:well,takeheedofhim;hemaydosomewhatforhishouseholdservants,orso;ButforhisRetainers,Iamsure,Ihaveknownsomeofthem,thathavefollowedhim,three,four,fiveyearstogether,scorningtheworldwiththeirbareheels,andatlengthbeengladforashift(thoughnocleanshift)tolieawholewinter,inhalfasheetcursingCharles'wain,andtherestofthestarsintolerably.But(quiscontradiuos?)well;Sir,sweetvillain,comeandseeme;butspendoneminuteinmycompany,and'tisenough:IthinkIhaveaworldofgoodjestsforthee:oh,sir,Icanshewtheetwoofthemostperfect,rareandabsolutetrueGulls,thateverthousaw'st,ifthouwiltcome.'Sblood,inventsomefamousmemorablelie,orother,toflapthyFatherinthemouthwithal:thouhastbeenfatherofathousand,inthydays,thoucould'stbenoPoetelse:anyscurvyroguishexcusewillserve;saythoucom'stbuttofetchwoolforthineInk-horn.Andthen,too,thyFatherwillsaythywitsareawool-gathering.Butit'snomatter;theworse,thebetter.Anythingisgoodenoughfortheoldman.Sir,howifthyFathershouldseethisnow?whatwouldhethinkofme?Well,(howeverIwritetothee)Ireverencehiminmysoul,forthegeneralgoodallFlorencedeliversofhim.Lorenzo,7conjurethee(bywhat,letmesee)bythedepthofourlove,byallthestrangesightswehaveseeninourdays,(ay,ornightseither,)tocometometoFlorencethisday.Goto,youshallcome,andletyourMusesgospinforonce.Ifthouwiltnot,'shart,what'syourgod'sname?Apollo?Ay,Apollo.//thismelancholyrogue(Lorenzohere)donotcome,grant,thatTiedoturnFoolpresently,andneverhereafterbeabletomakeagoodjest,orablankverse,butliveinmorepenuryofwitandinvention,thaneithertheHall-Beadle,orPoetNuntius.
Well,itisthestrangestletterthateverIread.Isthistheman,mysonsoofthathpraisedTobethehappiest,andmostpreciouswitThateverwasfamiliarwithArt?Now,byourLady'sblessedson,Iswear,IratherthinkhimmostunfortunateInthepossessionofsuchholygifts,Beingthemasterofsolooseaspirit.Why,whatunhallowedruffianwouldhavewrit
Withsoprofaneapenuntohisfriend?Themodestpapere'enlookspaleforgrief,Tofeelhervirgin-cheekdefiledandstainedWithsuchablackandcriminalinscription.Well,IhadthoughtmysoncouldnothavestrayedSofarfromjudgmentastomarthimselfThuscheaplyintheopentradeofscornTojeeringfollyandfantastichumour.ButnowIseeopinionisafool,Andhathabusedmysenses.—Musco.[EnterMusco.
Mus.Sir.
Lor.se.What,isthefellowgonethatbroughtthisletter?
Mus.Yes,sir,aprettywhilesince.
Lor.se.Andwhere'sLorenzo?
Mas.Inhischamber,sir.
Lor.se.Hespakenotwiththefellow,didhe?
Mus.No,sir,hesawhimnot.
Lor.se.Then,Musco,takethisletter,anddeliveritnntoLorenzo:but,sirrah,onyourlifetakeyounoknowledgeIhaveopenedit.
Mus.0Lord,sir,thatwereajestindeed.[L'^UMus.
Lor.se.Iamresolv'dIwillnotcrosshisjourney,NorwillIpractiseanyviolentmeansTostaythehotandlustycourseofyouth.Foryouthrestrainedstraightgrowsimpatient,And,incondition,likeaneagerdog,Who,ne'ersolittlefromhisgamewithheld,Turnsheadandleapsupathismaster'sthroat.ThereforeI'llstudy,bysomemilderdrift,Tocallmysonuntoahappiershrift.[Exit.
SCENEII.—EnterLORENZOjunior,withMusro.
Mus.Yes,sir,onmywordheopenedit,andreadthecontents.
Lor.ju.Itscarcecontentsmethathedidso.But,Musco,didstthouobservehiscountenanceinthereadingofit,whetherhewereangryorpleased?
Mus.Why,sir,Isawhimnotreadit.
Lor.ju.No?howknowestthouthenthatheopenedit?
Mus.Marry,sir,becausehecharg'dmeonmylifetotellnobodythatheopenedit,which,unlesshehaddone,hewouldneverfeartohaveitrevealed.
Lor.ju.That'strue:well,Musco,hietheeinagain,Lestthyprotractedabsencedolendlight,[EnterSTEPHANO.
Todarksuspicion:Musco,beassuredI'llnotforgetthisthyrespectivelove.
Step.Oh,Musco,didstthounotseeafellowhereinawhat-sha-call-himdoublet;hebroughtmineunclealetterevennow?
Mus.Yes,sir,whatofhim?
Step.Whereishe,canstthoutell?
Mus.Why,heisgone.
Step.Gone?whichway?whenwenthe?howlongsinoe?
Mus.It'salmosthalfanhouragosinceherodehence.
Step.Whoresonscanderbagrogue;ohthatIhadahorse;byGod'slid,I'dfetchhimbackagain,withheaveandho.
Mus.Why,youmayhavemymaster'sbaygelding,anyouwill.
Step.ButIhavenoboots,that'sthespiteonit.
Mus.Thenit'snoboottofollowhim.Lethimgoandhang,sir.
Step.Ay,bymytroth:.17//.sro,Ipraytheehelptotrussmealittle;nothingangersme,butIluive(raitedsuchawhileforhimallun-lac'danduntrussedyonder;anduoutosueheisgonetheotherway.
BenJonson'sPlays
Mus.Nay,Iprayyoustandstill,sir.
Step.Iwill,Iwill:oh,howitvexesme.
Mus.Tut,nevervexyourselfwiththethoughtofsuchabasefellowashe.
Step,Nay,toseehestooduponpointswithmetoo.
Mus.Likeenoughso;thatwasbecausehesawyouhadsofewatyourhose.
Step.What!Hastthoudone?Godaraercy,goodMusco.
Mus.Imarie,sir,youwearsuchill-favouredcoarsestockings,havingsogoodalegasyouhave.
Step.Foh!thestockingsbegoodenoughforthistimeoftheyear;butI'llhaveapairofsilk,e'eritbelong:Ithinkmylegwouldshewwellinasilkhose.
Mus.Ay,aforeGod,wouldit,rarelywell.
Step.InsadnessIthinkitwould:Ihaveareasonablegoodleg?
Mus.Youhaveanexcellentgoodleg,sir:Iprayyoupardonme,Ihavealittlehastein,sir.
Step.Athousandthanks,goodMusco.[Exit.
What,Ihopehelaughsnotatme;anhedo—
Lor.ju.Hereisastyleindeed,foraman'ssensestoleapover,e'ertheycomeatit:why,itisabletobreaktheshinsofanyoldman'spatienceintheworld.Myfatherreadthiswithpatience?ThenwillIbemadeanEunuch,andlearntosingBallads.Idonotdeny,butmyfathermayhaveasmuchpatienceasanyotherman;forheusedtotakephysic,andofttakingphysicmakesamanaverypatientcreature.But,SigniorProspero,hadyourswaggeringEpistleherearrivedinmyfather'shandsatsuchanhourofhispatience,Imean,whenhehadtakenphysic,itistobedoubtedwhetherIshouldhavereadsweetvillainhere.But,what?Mywisecousin;Naythen,I'llfurnishourfeastwithoneGullmoretowardamess;hewritestomeoftwo,andhere'sone,that'sthree,ffaith.Ohforafourth!now,Fortune,ornever,Fortune!
Step.Oh,nowIseewhohelaughedat:helaughedatsomebodyinthatletter.Bythisgoodlight,anhehadlaughedatme,Iwouldhavetoldmineuncle.
Lor.ju.CousinStephano:goodmorrow,goodcousin,howfareyou?
Step.Thebetterforyourasking,Iwillassureyou.Ihavebeenallabouttoseekyou.SinceIcameIsawmineuncle;andi'faithhowhaveyoudonethisgreatwhile?GoodLord,bymytroth,Iamgladyouarewell,cousin.
Lor.ju.AndIamasgladofyourcoming,Iprotesttoyou,forIamsentforbyaprivategentleman,mymostspecialdearfriend,tocometohimtoFlorencethismorning,andyoushallgowithme,cousin,ifitpleaseyou,notelse,Iwillenjoinyounofurtherthanstandswithyourownconsent,andtheconditionofafriend.
Step.Why,cousin,youshallcommandmean'tweretwicesofarasFlorence,todoyougood;what,doyouthinkIwillnotgowithyou?Iprotest—
Lor.ju.NajT,nay,youshallnotprotest.
EveryManinHisHumour
Step.ByGod,butIwill,sir,byyourleaveI'llprotestmoretomyfriendthanI'llspeakofatthistime.
Lor.ju.Youspeakverywell,sir.
Step.Nay,notsoneither,butIspeaktoservemyturn.
Lor.ju.Yourturn?why,cousin,agentlemanofsofairsortasyouare,ofsotruecarriage,sospecialgoodparts;ofsodearandchoiceestimation;onewhoselowestconditionbearsthestampofagreatspirit;naymore,amansograced,gilded,orrather,touseamorefitmetaphor,tinfoiledbynature;notthatyouhavealeadenconstitution,coz,althoughperhaps
alittleincliningtothattemper,andsothemoreapttomeltwithpity,whenyoufallintothefireofrage,butforyourlustreonly,whichreflectsasbrighttotheworldasanoldale-wife'spewteragainagoodtime;andwillyounow,withnicemodesty,hidesuchrealornamentsasthese,andshadowtheirgloryasamilliner'swifedothherwroughtstomacher,withasmokylawnorablackCyprus?Come,come;forshamedonotwrongthequalityofyourdessertinsopoorakind;butlettheideaofwhatyouarebeportrayedinyouraspect,thatmenmayreadinyourlooks:Herewithinthisplaceistobeseenthew<»ladmirable,rare,andaccomplishedworkofnature!Cousin,whatthinkyouofthis?
Step.Marry,Idothinkofit,andIwillbemoremelancholyandgentlemanlikethanIhavebeen,Idoensureyou.
Lor.ju.Why,thisiswell:nowifIcanbutholdupthishumourinhim,asitisbegun,CatsoforFlorence,matchhimanshecan.Come,cousin.
Step.I'llfollowyou.
Lor.ju.Followme!youmustgobefore!
Step.MustI?nay,thenIprayyoushewme,goodcousin.
[Exeunt.
SCENEIII.—EnterSigniorMATHEO,tohimCOB.
Mat.Ithinkthisbethehouse:whatho!
Cob.Who'sthere?oh,SigniorMatheo.Codgiveyougoodmorrow,sir.
Mat.What?Cob?howdoestthou,goodCob?dostthoninhabithere,Cob?
Cob.Ay,sir,Iandmylineagehavekeptapoorhouseinourdays.
Mat.Thylineage,MonsieurCob/whatlineage,whatlineage':
Cob.Why,sir,anancientlineage,andaprincely:mineancestrycamefromaking'sloins,noworseman;andyetnomanneither.butHerringthekingoffish,oneofthemonarchsofthe-voi-M.|assureyou.Idofetchmypedigreeandnamefromthe\\r^\n-.|herringthatwaseateninAdamandfcx^skitchen:hi.s('ahuasmygreat,great,mightygreatgrandfather.
Mat.Whymighty?whymighty?
Cob.Oh,it'samightywhileago,sir,anditwasamightygreatCob.
Mat.Howknowestthouthat?
Cob.JlowknowI?why,hisu'hostcomestomeeveryni_'ht.
Mat.Oh,unsavouryjest:theghostofaherringCob.
Cob.Ay,whynottheghostofaherringCob,aswellastheghostofRasheroBacono,theywerebothbroiledonthecoals?youareascholar,upsolvemethatnow.
Mat.Oh,rudeignorance!Cob,canstthoushewmeofagentleman,oneSigniorBobadilla,wherehislodgingis?
Cob.Oh,myguest,sir,youmean?
Mat.Thyguest,alas!ha,ha.
Cob.Whydoyoulaugh,sir?doyounotmeanSigniorBobadilla?
Mat.Cob,Ipraytheeadvisethyselfwell:donotwrongthegentleman,andthyselftoo.Idarebeswornhescornsthyhouse;he!helodgeinsuchabaseobscureplaceasthyhouse?Tut,Iknowhisdispositionsowell,hewouldnotlieinthybedifthou'dstgiveithim.
Cob.Iwillnotgiveithim.Mass,Ithoughtsomewhatwasinit,wecouldnotgethimtobedallnight.Well,sir,thoughhelienotonmybed,heliesonmybench,an'tpleaseyoutogoup,sir,youshallfindhimwithtwocushionsunderhishead,andhiscloakwraptabouthim,asthoughhehadneitherwonnorlost,andyetIwarranthene'ercastbetterinhislifethanhehathdoneto-night.
Mat.Why,washedrunk?
Cob.Drunk,sir?youhearnotmesayso;perhapsheswallow'dataverntoken,orsomesuchdevice,sir;Ihavenothingtodowithal:Idealwithwaterandnotwithwine.Givememytankardthere,ho!Godbewithyou,sir;it'ssixo'clock:Ishouldhavecarriedtwoturnsbythis,whatho!mystopple,come.
Mat.Lieinawater-bearer'shouse,agentlemanofhisnote?Well,I'lltellhimmymind.[Exit.
Cob.What,Tib,shewthisgentlemanuptoSigniorBobadilla:oh,anmyhouseweretheBrazenheadnow,faithitwoulde'encrymoefoolsyet:youshouldhavesomenow,wouldtakehimtobeagentlemanattheleast;alas,Godhelpthesimple,hisfather'sanhonestman,agoodfishmonger,andsoforth:andnowdothhecreepandwriggleintoacquaintancewithallthebravegallantsaboutthetown,suchasmyguestis,(oh,myguestisafineman!)andtheyflouthiminvincibly.Heusetheverydaytoamerchant'shouse,(whereIservewater)oneM.Thorello's;andhere'sthejest,heisinlovewithmymaster'ssister,andcallshermistress:andtherehesitsawholeafternoonsometimes,readingofthesesameabominable,vile,(apoxonthem,Icannotabidethem!)rascallyverses,Poetry,poetry,andspeakingofInterludes,'twillmakeamanbursttohearhim:andthewenches,theydosojeerandtiheathim;well,shouldtheydoasmuchtome,I'dforswearthemall,bythelifeofPharaoh,there'sanoath:howmanywater-bearersshallyouhearswearsuchanoath?oh,Ihaveaguest,(heteachethme)hedothswearthebestofanymanchristened.ByPhoebus,BythelifeofPharaoh,Bythebodyofme,AsIamgentleman,andasoldier:suchdaintyoaths;andwithalhedothtakethissamefilthyroguishtobacco,thefinest,andcleanliest;itwoulddoamangoodtoseethefumecomeforthathisnostrils:well,heowes
mefortyshillings,(mywifelenthimoutofherpurse;bysixpenceatime,)besideshislodging;IwouldIhadit:Ishallhaveit,hesaith,nextAction.Helterskelter,hangsorrow,carewillkillacat,up-tailsall,andapoxonthehangman.[Exit.
BOBADILLAdiscovershimself:onabench;tohimTIB.
Bob.Hostess,hostess.
Tib.Whatsayyou,sir?
Bob.Acupofyoursmallbeer,sweethostess.
Tib.Sir,there'sagentlemanbelowwouldspeakwithyou.
Bob.Agentleman?(God'sso)Iamnotwithin.
Tib.Myhusbandtoldhimyouwere,sir.
Bob.Whataplague!whatmeanthe?
Mat.SigniorBobadilla.[Matheowithin.
Bob.\Vho'sthere?(takeawaythebason,goodhostess)comeup,sir.
Tib.Hewoulddesireyoutocomeup,sir;youcomeintoacleanlyhousehere.
Mat.Godsaveyou,sir,Godsaveyou.[EnterMATHEO.
Bob.SigniorMatheo,is'tyou,sir?pleaseyousitdown.
Mat.Ithankyou,goodSignior,youmayseeIamsomewhataudacious.
Bob.Notso,Signior,Iwasrequestedtosupperyesternightbyasortofgallants,whereyouwerewishedfor,anddrunkto,1assureyou.
Mat.Vouchsafemebywhom,goodSignior.
Bob.Marry,bySigniorProspero,andothers;why,hostess,astoolhereforthisgentleman.
Mat.Nohaste,sir,itisverywell.
Bob.Bodyofme,itwassolateerewepartedlastnight,Icanscarceopenmineeyesyet;Iwasbutnewrisenasyoucame:howpassesthedayabroad,sir?youcantell.
Mat.Faith,somehalfhourtoseven:nowtrustme,youhaveanexceedingfinelodginghere,veryneat,andprivate.
Bob.Ay,sir,sitdown.Iprayyou,SigniorMatheo,inany°asepossessnogentlemenofyouracquaintancewithnoticeofmylodging.
Mat.Who?I,sir?no.
Bob.NotthatIneedtocarewhoknowit,butinregardIwouldnotbesopopularandgeneral,assomebe.
Mat.True,Signior,Iconceiveyou.
Bob.Fordoyousee,sir,bytheheartofmyself,(exceptitIIPtosomepeculiarandchoicespirits,towhomIamextraordinarilyengaged,asyourself,orso,)Icouldnotextendthusfar.
Mat.OLord,sir!Iresolveso.
Bob.Whatnewbookhaveyouthere?What?QobyHieronymo.
Mat.Ay,didyoueverseeitacted?is'tn«twellprimed?
Bob.Wellpenned:IwouldfainseeallthePoetsofourtimepensuchanotherplayasthatwas;they'llprateandswaL'^rrr,andkeepastirofartanddevices,whrri(l>y<iod'sso)theyareihrui<>.-tshallow,pitifulfellowsthatliveuponthefaceoftheearthagain.
Mat.Indeed,hereareanumberoffinespeechesinthisbook:Oheyes,noeyes,butfountainsfraughtwithtears;there'saconceit:Fountainsfraughtwithtears.Ohlife,nolife,butlivelyformofdeath:is'tnotexcellent?Ohworld,noworld,butmassofpublicwrongs;OGod'sme:confusedandfilledwithmurderandmisdeeds.Is'tnotsimplythebestthateveryouheard?Ha,howdoyoulikeit?
Bob.'Tisgood.
Mat.Tothee,thepurestobjecttomysense,
Themostrefinedessenceheavencovers,SendItheselines,whereinIdocommenceThehappystateoftruedeservinglovers.Iftheyproverough,unpolish'd,harsh,andrude,Hastemadethatwaste;thusmildlyIconclude.
Bob.Nay,proceed,proceed,where'sthis?where'sthis?
Mat.This,sir,atoyofmineowninmynon-age:butwhenwillyoucomeandseemystudy?goodfaith,IcanshewyousomeverygoodthingsIhavedoneoflate:thatbootbecomesyourlegpassingwell,sir,methinks.
Bob.So,so,it'safashiongentlemenuse.
Mat.Mass,sir,andnowyouspeakofthefashion,SigniorPros-pero'selderbrotherandIarefallenoutexceedingly:thisotherdayIhappenedtoenterintosomediscourseofahanger,which,Iassureyou,bothforfashionandworkmanshipwasmostbeautifulandgentlemanlike;yethecondemneditforthemostpiedandridiculousthateverhesaw.
Bob.SigniorGiuliano,wasitnot?theelderbrother?
Mat.Ay,sir,he.
Bob.Hanghim,rook!he!why,hehasnomorejudgmentthanamalt-horse.BySt.George,Iholdhimthemostperemptoryabsurdclown(oneathem)inChristendom:Iprotesttoyou(asIamagentlemanandasoldier)Ine'ertalk'dwiththelikeofhim:hehasnotsomuchasagoodwordinhisbelly,alliron,iron,agoodcommodityforasmithtomakehob-nailson.
Mat.Ay,andhethinkstocarryitawaywithhismanhoodstillwherehecomes:hebragshewillgivemethebastinado,asIhear.
Bob.How,thebastinado?howcamehebythatword,trow?
Mat.Nay,indeed,hesaidcudgelme;Itermeditsoforthemoregrace.
Bob.Thatmaybe,forIwassureitwasnoneofhisword:butwhen,whensaidheso?
Mat.Faith,yesterday,theysay,ayounggallant,afriendofmine,toldmeso.
Bob.BythelifeofPharaoh,an'tweremycasenow,Ishouldsendhimachallengepresently:thebastinado!comehither,youshallchallengehim;I'llshewyouatrickortwo,youshallkillhimatpleasure,thefirststoccadoifyouwill,bythisair.
Mat.Indeed,youhaveabsoluteknowledgeinthemystery,Ihaveheard,sir.
Bob.Ofwhom?ofwhom,Ipray?
Mat.Faith,Ihavehearditspokenofdivers,thatyouhaveveryrareskill,sir.
Bob.Byheaven,no,notI,noskillintheearth:somesmallscience,knowmytime,distance,orso,Ihaveprofestitmorefornoblemenandgentlemen'susethanmineownpractise,Iassureyou.Hostess,lendusanotherbed-staffherequickly:lookyou,sir,exaltnotyourpointabovethisstateatanyhand,andletyourponiardmaintainyourdefencethus:giveitthegentleman.So,sir,comeon,oh,twineyourbodymoreabout,thatyoumaycometoamoresweetcomelygentlemanlikeguard;soindifferent.Hollowyourbodymore,sir,thus:nowstandfastonyourleftleg,noteyourdistance,keepyourdueproportionoftime:oh,youdisorderyourpointmostvilely.
Mat.Howisthebearingofitnow,sir?
Bob.Oh,outofmeasureill,awell-experiencedmanwouldpassuponyouatpleasure.
Mat.Howmeanyoupassuponme?
Bob.Why,thus,sir:makeathrustatme;comeinuponmytime;controlyourpoint,andmakeafullcareeratthebody:thebest-practis'dgentlemenofthetimetermitthepassado,amostdesperatethrust,believeit.
Mat.Well,come,sir.
Bob.Why,youdonotmanageyourweaponswiththatfacilityandgracethatyoushoulddo,Ihavenospirittoplaywithyou,yourdearthofjudgmentmakesyouseemtedious.
Mat.Butonevenue,sir.
Bob.Fie!venue,mostgrossdenominationaseverIheard:oh,thestoccadowhileyoulive,Signior,notthat.Come,putonyourcloak,andwe'llgotosomeprivateplacewhereyouareacquainted,sometavernorso,andwe'llsendforoneofthesefencers,whereheshallbreatheyouatmydirection,andthenI'llteachyouthattrick;youshallkillhimwithitatthefirstifyouplease:why,I'lllearnyoubythetruejudgmentoftheeye,hand,andfoot,tocontrolanyman'spointintheworld;Shouldyouradversaryconfrontyouwithapistol,'twerenothing,youshould(bythesamerule)controlthebullet,mostcertain,byPhoebus:unlessitwerehail-shot:whatmoneyhaveyouaboutyou,sir?
Mat.Faith,Ihavenotpasttwoshillings,orso.
Bob.'Tissomewhatwiththeleast,butcome,whenwehavedone,we'llcallupSigniorProspero;perhaps\veshallmeet\\itliCoridonhisbrotherthere.
SCKXI-:IV.—EnterTIKMM-:.i.o,GlUUANO,
Tho.Piso,comehither:thereliesanotewithin,uponmyde.-k;here,takemykey:it'snomatterneither,where'sthe!>«>y''.
Pis.Within,sir,inthewarehouse.
Tho.LethimtelloverthatSpanishgold.andweiirhit,.-inddoyouseethedeliveryofthosewarestoSiirniorll<'ntiw>le:I'llhotheremyselfatthereceiptofthemoneyanon.
Pis.Verygood,sir.[Erit/'MO.
Tho.Brother,didyouseethatsamefellowthere?
Giu.Ay,whatofhim?
Tho.Heise'enthehonestest,faithfulservantthatisthisdayinFlorence;(Ispeakaproudwordnow;)andonethatIdursttrustmylifeintohishands,Ihavesostrongopinionofhislove,ifneedwere.
Giu.Godsendmeneversuchneed:butyousaidyouhadsomewhattotellme,whatis't?
Tho.Faith,brother,Iamloathtoutterit,Asfearingtoabuseyourpatience,ButthatIknowyourjudgmentmoredirect,Abletoswaythenearestofaffection.
Giu.Come,come,whatneedsthiscircumstance?
Tho.IwillnotsaywhathonourIascribeUntoyourfriendship,norinwhatdearstateIholdyourlove;letmycontinuedzeal,Theconstantandreligiousregard,ThatIhaveevercarriedtoyourname,Mycarriagewithyoursister,allcontest,HowmuchIstandaffectedtoyour
house.
Giu.Youaretootedious,cometothematter,cometothematter.
Tho.Then(withoutfurtherceremony)thus.MybrotherProspe.ro(Iknownothow)Oflateismuchdeclinedfromwhathewas,Andgreatlyalter'dinhisdisposition.Whenhecamefirsttolodgehereinmyhouse,Ne'ertrustme,ifIwasnotproudofhim:Methoughthebarehimselfwithsuchobservance,Sotrueelectionandsofairaform:And(whatwaschief)itshew'dnotborrow'dinhim,Butallhedidbecamehimashisown,Andseem'dasperfect,proper,andinnate,Untothemind,ascolourtotheblood,Butnow,hiscourseissoirregular,Solooseaffected,anddeprivedofgrace,AndhehimselfwithalsofarfallenoffFromhisfirstplace,thatscarcenonoteremains,Totellmen'sjudgmentswherehelatelystood;He'sgrownastrangertoallduerespect,Forgetfulofhisfriends,andnotcontentTostalehimselfinallsocieties,HemakesmyhouseascommonasaMart,ATheatre,apublicreceptacleForgiddyhumour,anddiseasedriot,Andthere,(asinatavern,orastews,)He,andhiswildassociates,spendtheirhours,Inrepetitionoflasciviousjests,Swear,leap,anddance,andrevelnightbynight,Controlmyservants:andindeedwhatnot?
Giu.Faith,IknownotwhatIshouldsaytohim:soGodsave
me,Iame'enatmywits'end,Ihavetoldhimenough,onewouldthink,ifthatwouldserve:well,heknowswhattotrusttoforme:lethimspend,andspend,anddomineertillhisheartache:anhegetapennymoreofme,I'llgivehimthisear.
Tho.Nay,goodbrother,havepatience.
Giu.'Sblood,hemadsme,Icouldeatmyveryfleshforanger:Imarieyouwillnottellhimofit,howhedisquietsyourhouse.
Tho.0,therearediversreasonstodissuademe,Butwouldyourselfvouchsafetotravailinit,(Thoughbutwithplainandeasycircumstance,)Itwouldbothcomemuchbettertohissense,Andsavourlessofgriefanddiscontent.Youarehiselderbrother,andthattitleConfirmsandwarrantsyourauthority:Which(secondedbyyouraspect)willbreedAkindofdutyinhim,andregard.Whereas,ifIshouldintimatetheleast,Itwouldbutaddcontempttohisneglect,Heapworseonill,rearahugepileofhate,Thatinthebuildingwouldcometotteringdown,Andinherruinsburyallourlove.Nay,morethanthis,brother;ifIshouldspeak,Hewouldbereadyintheheatofpassion,Tofilltheearsofhisfamiliars,Withoftreportingtothem,whatdisgraceAndgrossdisparagementIhadproposedhim.Andthenwouldtheystraightbackhiminopinion,Makesomeloosecommentuponeveryword,Andoutoftheirdistractedphantasies,Contrivesomeslander,thatshoulddwellwithme.Andwhatwouldthatbe,thinkyou?marry,this,Theywouldgiveout,(becausemywifeisfair,Myselfbutlatelymarried,andmysisterHeresojourningavirgininmyhouse,)ThatIwerejealous:nay,assureasdeath,Thustheywouldsay:andhowthatIhadwrong'dMybrotherpurposely,therebytofindAnaptpretexttobanishthemmyhouse.
Giu.Mass,perhapsso.
Tho.Brother,theywould,believeit:soshouldI(Likeoneofthesepenuriousquack-salvers)
Buttryexperimentsuponmyself,Openthegatesuntomineowndisgrace,Lendbare-ribb'denvyopportunityTostabmyreputation,andgoodname.[Enf>'rI-.OBA.andMvr.
Mat.Iwillspeaktohim.
Bob.Speaktohim?away,bythelifoof/'h'irn<>h,y>u-li.illnot,youshallnotdohimthatgrace:thetimeofdaytoyou,gentlemen:isSigniorPrfi*/»mstirring'.'
Howthen?whatshouldhedo?
Bob.SigniorThorello,ishewithin,sir?
Tho.Hecamenottohislodgingto-night,sir,Iassureyou.
Giu.Why,doyouhear?you.
.606.Thisgentlemanhathsatisfiedme,I'lltalktonoScavenger.
Giu.How,Scavenger?stay,sir,stay.[Exeunt.
Tlw.Nay,brotherOiuliano.
Giu.'Sblood,standyouaway,anyouloveme.
Tho.Youshallnotfollowhimnow,Iprayyou,Goodfaith,youshallnot.
Giu.Ha!Scavenger!well,goto,Isaylittle,but,bythisgoodday,(GodforgivemeIshouldswear)ifIputitupso,sayIam
therankestthateverpist.'Sblood,anIswallowthis,I'll
ne'erdrawmyswordinthesightofmanagainwhileIlive;I'llsitinabarnwithMadge-owletfirst.Scavenger!'Heart,andI'llgoneartofillthathugetumbrelslopofyourswithsomewhat,anIhavegoodluck,yourGaragantuabreechcannotcarryitawayso.
Tho.Oh,donotfretyourselfthus,neverthinkon't.
Giu.Thesearemybrother'sconsorts,these,thesearehisComrades,hiswalkingmates,he'sagallant,aCavalierotoo,righthangmancut.Godletmenotlive,anIcouldnotfindinmyhearttoswingethewholenestofthem,oneafteranother,andbeginwithhimfirst,Iamgrieveditshouldbesaidheismybrother,andtakethesecourses,well,heshallhearon't,andthattightlytoo,anIlive,i'faith.
Tho.But,brother,letyourapprehension(then)Runinaneasycurrent,nottransportedWithheadyrashness,ordevouringcholer,Andrathercarryapersuadingspirit,Whosepowerswillpiercemoregently;andallureTh'imperfectthoughtsyoulabourtoreclaim,Toamoresuddenandresolvedassent.
Giu.Ay,ay,letmealoneforthat,Iwarrantyou.[Bellrings.
Tho.Hownow!oh,thebellringstobreakfast.BrotherGiuliano,Iprayyougoinandbearmywifecompany:I'llbutgiveordertomyservantsforthedispatchofsomebusiness,andcometoyoupresently.[ExitGiu.[EnterCOB.
What,Cob!ourmaidswillhaveyoubytheback(i'faith)JForcomingsolatethismorning.
Cob.Perhapsso,sir,takeheedsomebodyhavenotthembythebellyforwalkingsolateintheevening.[Exit.
Tho.Now(ingoodfaith)mymindissomewhateased,ThoughnotreposedinthatsecurityAsIcouldwish;well,Imustbecontent,Howe'erIsetafaceon'ttotheworld,WouldIhadlostthisfingeratavent,SoProsperohadne'erlodgedinmyhouse,Why'tcannotbe,wherethereissuchresortOfwantongallants,andyoungrevellers,Thatanywomanshouldbehonestlong.Is'tlike,thatfactiousbeautywillpreserve
Thesovereignstateofchastityunscarr'd,
Whensuchstrongmotivesmuster,andmakehead
Againsthersinglepeace?no,no:beware
Whenmutualpleasureswaystheappetite,
Andspiritsofonekindandquality,
Domeettoparleyintheprideofblood.
Well,(tobeplain)ifIbutthoughtthetime
Hadanswer'dtheiraffections,alltheworld
Shouldnotpersuademe,butIwereacuckold:
Marry,Ihopetheyhavenotgotthatstart.
Foropportunityhathbalk'dthemyet,
Andshalldostill,whileIhaveeyesandears
Toattendtheimpositionofmyheart:
Mypresenceshallbeasanironbar,
'Twixttheconspiringmotionsofdesire,
Yea,everylookorglancemineeyeobjects,
Shallcheckoccasion,asonedothhisslave,[EnterBTAXCHA
Whenheforgetsthelimitsofprescription.irithHESPERIDA.
Bia.SisterHesperida,Iprayyoufetchdowntherose-wateraboveinthecloset:Sweet-heart,willyoucomeintobreakfast?
Tho.Anshehaveoverheardmenow?[ExitHesperida.
Bia.Ipraythee,(goodMuss)westayforyou.
Tho.ByChrist,Iwouldnotforathousandcrowns.
Bia.W7hatailyou,sweet-heart?areyounotwell?speak,goodMuss.
Tho.Troth,myheadachesextremelyonasudden^
Bia.OhJesu!
Tho.Hownow!what!
Bia.GoodLord,howitburns!Muss,keepyouwarm;goodtruth,itisthisnewdisease,there'sanumberaretroubledwithaUforGod'ssake,sweet-heart,comeinoutoftheair.
Tho.Howsimple,andhowsubtleareheranswersIAnewdisease,andman}'troubledwithit.Whytrue,sheheardmealltheworldtonothing.
Bia.Ipraythee,goodsweet-heart,comein;theairwilldoymiharm,introth.
Tho.I'llcometoyoupresently,itwillaway,Ihope.
Bia.PrayGoditdo.[Exit.
Tlw.Anewdisease!Iknownot,neworold,Butitmaywellbecall'dpoormortals'Plaguo;ForlikeapestilenceitdothinfectThehousesofthebrain:firstitbeginsSolelytoworkuponthephantasy,Fillingherseatwithsuchpestiferousair,Assooncorruptsthejudgment,andfromthence,Sendslikecontagiontothememory.Stilleachofothercatchingtheinfection,WhichasasearchingvapourspreadsitselfCoifusedlythrougheverysensivepart,Tillnotathoughtormotioninthemind
Befreefromtheblackpoisonofsuspect.
Ah,butwhaterrorisittoknowthis,
Andwantthefreeelectionofthesoul
Insuchextremes!well,Iwilloncemorestrive
(Evenindespiteofhell)myselftobe,
Andshakethisfeveroffthatthusshakesme.[Exit.
ACTII
SCENEI.—EnterMusco,disguisedlikeasoldier.
Mus.'Sblood,Icannotchoosebutlaughtoseemyselftranslatedthus,fromapoorcreaturetoacreator;fornowmustIcreateanintolerablesortoflies,orelsemyprofessionloseshisgrace,andyetthelietoamanofmycoatisasominousastheFico,oh,sir,itholdsforgoodpolicytohavethatoutwardlyinvilestestimation,thatinwardlyismostdeartous:Somuchformyborrowedshape.Well,thetrothis,mymasterintendstofollowhissondry-foottoFlorence,thismorning:nowI,knowingofthisconspiracy,andtherathertoinsinuatewithmyyoungmaster,(forsomustwethatarebluewaiters,ormenofservicedo,orelseperhapswemaywearmotleyattheyear'send,andwhowearsmotleyyouknow:)Ihavegotmeaforeinthisdisguise,determiningheretolieinambuscado,andintercepthiminthemidway;ifIcanbutgethiscloak,hispurse,hishat,nay,anythingsoIcanstayhisjourney,RexRegum,Iammadeforever,i'faith:well,nowmustIpractisetogetthetruegarbofoneoftheseLance-knights;myarmhere,andmyGod'sso,youngmasterandhiscousin.
Lor.ju.So,sir,andhowthen?[EnterLOR.ju.andSTEP.
Step.God'sfoot,Ihavelostmypurse,Ithink.
Lor.ju.How?lostyourpurse?where?whenhadyouit?
Step.Icannottell,stay.
Mus.'Slid,Iamafraidtheywillknowme,wouldIcouldgetbythem.
Lor.ju.What!haveyouit?
Step.No,IthinkIwasbewitched,I.
Lor.ju.Nay,donotweep,apoxonit,hangit,letitgo.
Step.Oh,it'shere;nay,anithadbeenlost,IhadnotcaredbutforajetringMarinasentme.
Lor.ju.Ajetring!oh,thepoesie,thepopsie!
Step.Fine,i'faith:Thoughfancysleep,myloveisdeep:meaningthatthoughIdidnotfancyher,yetshelovedmedearly.
Lor.ju.Mostexcellent.
Step.AndthenIsentheranother,andmypoesiewas:Thedeeperthesweeter,PllbejudgedbySaintPeter.
Lor.ju.How,bySt.Peter?Idonotconceivethat.
Step.Marry,St.Petertomakeupthemetre.
Lor.ju.Well,youarebeholdingtothatSaint,hehelp'dyouatyourneed;thankhim,thankhim.
Mus.Iwillventure,comewhatwill:Gentlemen,pleaseyouchangeafewcrownsforaveryexcellentgoodbladehere;Iamapoorgentleman,asoldier,onethat(inthebetterstateofmyfor-
tunes)scornedsomeanarefuge,butnowit'sthehumourofnecessitytohaveitso:youseemtobe,gentlemen,wellaffectedtomartialmen,elseIshouldratherdiewithsilence,thanlivewithshame:howe'er,vouchsafetorememberitismywantspeaks,notmyself:thisconditionagreesnotwithmyspirit.
Lor.ju.Wherehastthouserved?
Mus.Mayitpleaseyou,Signior,inalltheprovincesofBohemia,Hungaria,Dalmatia,Poland,wherenot?Ihavebeenapoorservitorbyseaandland,anytimethisxiiij.years,andfollow'dthefortunesofthebestCommandersinChristendom.IwastwiceshotatthetakingofAleppo,onceatthereliefofVienna;IhavebeenatAmericainthegalleysthrice,whereIwasmostdangerouslyshotinthehead,throughboththethighs,andyet,beingthusmaim'd,Iamvoidofmaintenance,nothingleftmebutmyscars,thenotedmarksofmyresolution.
Step.Howwillyousellthisrapier,friend?
Mus.Faith,Signior,Ireferittoyourownjudgment;youareagentleman,givemewhatyouplease.
Step.True,Iamagentleman,Iknowthat;butwhatthough,Iprayyousay,whatwouldyouask?
Mus.IassureyoutheblademaybecomethesideofthebestprinceinEurope.
Lor.ju.Ay,withavelvetscabbard.
Step.Nay,an'tbemineitshallhaveavelvetscabbard,thatisflat,I'dnotwearitas'tisanyouwouldgivemeanangel.
Mus.Atyourpleasure,Signior,nay,it'samostpureToledo.
Step.IhadratheritwereaSpaniard:buttellme,whatshallIgiveyouforit?anithadasilverhilt—
Lor.ju.Come,come,youshallnotbuyit;hold,there'sashilling,friend,takethyrapier.
Step.Why,butIwillbuyitnow,becauseyousayso:what,shallIgowithoutarapier?
Lor.ju.Youmaybuyoneinthecity.
Step.Tut,I'llbuythis,soIwill;tellmeyourlowestprice.
Lor.ju.Youshallnot,Isay.
Step.ByGod'slid,butIwill,thoughIgivemorethan'tisworth.
Lor.ju.Comeaway,youareafool.
Step.Friend,I'llhaveitforthatword:followme.
.17us.Atyouservice,Signior.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—EnterLORENZOsenior.
!.<>r.xe.Mylabouringspiritbein<_rlateopprestWithmyson'sfolly,canembracenorestTillithathplottedbyadviceandskill,HowtoreducehimfromaffectedwillToreason'smanage;whichwhileIintend,MytroubledsoulbeginstoapprehendAfarthersecret,andtomeditateTponthedifferenceofman'sestate:Whereisdceipher'dtotruejudgment'seye
Adeep,conceal'd,andpreciousmystery.
YetcanInotbutworthilyadmire
Atnature'sart:who(whenshedidinspire
Thisheatoflife)placedReason(asaking)
Hereinthehead,tohavethemarshalling
Ofouraffections:andwithsovereignty
Toswaythestateofourweakempery.
Butasindiverscommonwealthswesee,
Theformofgovernmenttodisagree:
Evensoinman,whosearchethsoonshallfind
Asmuchormorevarietyofmind.
Somemen'saffectionslikeasullenwife,
Iswithherhusbandreasonstillatstrife.
Others(likeproudarch-traitorsthatrebel
Againsttheirsovereign)practisetoexpel
TheirliegeLordReason,andnotshametotread
Uponhisholyandanointedhead.
Butasthatlandornationbestdoththrive,
Whichtosmooth-frontedpeaceismostproclive,
Sodoththatmind,whosefairaffectionsranged
Byreason'srules,standconstantandunchanged,
Else,ifthepowerofreasonbenotsuch,
Whydoweattributetohimsomuch?
Orwhyareweobsequioustohislaw,
Ifhewantspiritouraffectstoawe?
Ohno,Iargueweakly,heisstrong,
Albeitmysonhavedonehimtoomuchwrong.[EnterMusco.
Mus.Mymaster:nay,faith,haveatyou:Iamflesh'dnowIhavespedsowell:Gentleman,Ibeseechyourespecttheestateofapoorsoldier;Iamashamedofthisbasecourseoflife,(God'smycomfort)butextremityprovokesmeto't;whatremedy?
Lor.se.Ihavenotforyounow.
Mus.BythefaithIbearuntoGod,gentleman,itisnoordinarycustom,butonlytopreservemanhood.Iprotesttoyou,amanIhavebeen,amanImaybe,byyoursweetbounty.
Lor.se.Ipraythee,goodfriend,besatisfied.
Mus.GoodSignior:byJesu,youmaydothepartofakindgentleman,inlendingapoorsoldierthepriceoftwocansofbeer,amatterofsmallvalue,theKingofheavenshallpayyou,andIshallrestthankful:sweetSignior—
Lor.se.Nay,anyoubesoimportunate—
Mus.OLord,sir,needwillhavehiscourse:Iwasnotmadetothisvileuse;well,theedgeoftheenemycouldnothaveabatedmesomuch:it'shardwhenamanhathservedinhisPrince'scauseandbethus.Signior,letmederiveasmallpieceofsilverfromyou,itshallnotbegiveninthecourseoftime,bythisgoodground,Iwasfaintopawnmyrapierlastnightforapoorsupper,IamaPaganelse:sweetSignior—
Lor.se.Believeme,Iamraptwithadmiration,Tothinkamanofthyexteriorpresence
Should(intheconstitutionofthemind)
Besodegenerate,infirm,andbase.
Artthouaman?andsham'stthounottobeg?
Topractisesuchaservilekindoflife?
Why,werethyeducationne'ersomean,
Havingthylimbs:athousandfairercourses
Offerthemselvestothyelection.
Xay,therethewarsmightstillsupplythywants,
Orserviceofsomevirtuousgentleman,
Orhonestlabour;nay,whatcanIname,
Butwouldbecometheebetterthantobeg?
Butmenofyourconditionfeedonsloth,
AsdoththeScarabonthedungshebreedsin,
Notcaringhowthetemperofyourspirits
Iseatenwiththerustofidleness.
Now,aforeGod,whate'erhebethatshould
Relieveapersonofthyquality,
Whileyouinsistinthisloosedesperatecourse,
Iwouldesteemthesinnotthine,buthis.
Mus.Faith,Signior,Iwouldgladlyfindsomeothercourse,ifso.
Lor.se.Ay,you'dgladlyfindit,butyouwillnotseekit.
Mus.Alas,sir,whereshouldamanseek?inthewars,there'snoascentbydesertinthesedays,but—andforservice,woulditwereassoonpurchasedaswish'dfor,(God'smycomfort)1knowwhatIwouldsay.
Lor.se.What'sthyname?
Hus.Pleaseyou:Portensio.
Lor.se.Portensio?
Savthatamanshouldentertaintheenow,Wouldthoubehonest,humble,just,andtrue?
Mus.Signior:bytheplaceandhonourofasoldier—•
Lor.se.Nay,nay,Ilikenottheseaffectedoaths;Speakplainly,man:whatthinkstthouofmywords?
Mus.Nothing,Signior,butwishmyfortuneswereashappyasmyserviceshouldbehonest.
Lor.se.Well,followme,I'llprovethee,ifthydeedsWillcarryaproportiontothywords.[E.rifL<>r.,<H>.
Mus.Yes,sir,straight,I'llbutgartermyhose;oh,thatmybellywerehoop'dnow,forIamreadytoburstwithlaughing.'Slid,wasthereeverseenafoxinyearstobetrayhimselfthus?nowshallIbepossestofallhisdeterminations,andconsequentlymyyoungmaster;well,heisresolvedtoprovemyhonesty:faith,andIamresolvedtoprovehispatience:oh,Ishallal>ii>ehimintolerably:thissmallpieceofservicewillbringhimcleanoutoflovewiththesoldierforever.It'snomatter,lettheworMthinkmeabadcounterfeit,ifIcannotgivehimtheslipataninstant:v.hy,thisisbetterthantohavestayedhisjourneybyhalf:well,I'llfollowhim.Oh,huwIlongtobeemploye,1.
«/j
SCENEIII.—EnterPROSPERO,BOBADFLLA.andMATHEO.
Mat.Yes,faith,sir,wewereatyourlodgingtoseekyoutoo.
Pros.Oh.Icanienotthereto-night.
Bob.Yourbrotherdeliveredusasmuch.
Pros.Who,Giuliano?
Bob,Giuliano.SigniorProsptro,Iknownotinwhatkindyouvalueme,butletmetellyouthis:assureasGod,Idoholditsomuchoutofminehonourandreputation,ifIshouldbutcasttheleastregarduponsuchadunghillofflesh;Iprotesttoyou(asIhaveasoultobesaved)Ine'ersawanygentlemanlikepartinhim:antherewerenomoremenlivinguponthefaceoftheearth,Ishouldnotfancyhim,byPhccbns.
Mat.Troth,norI,heisofarusticalcut,Iknownothow:hedothnotcarryhimselflikeagentleman.
Pro-s.Oh.SigniorMatheo,that'sagracepeculiarbuttoafew;quoscequu-samavitJupiter.
Mat.Iunderstandyou.sir.[EnterLOR.ju.andSTEP.
Pros.Xoquestionyoudo,sir:Lorenzo!nowonmysoul,welcome:howdostthou,sweetrascal?myGenius!'Sblood,IshallloveApolloandthemadThespiangirlsthebetterwhileIliveforthis;mydearvillain,nowIseethere'ssomespiritinthee:Sirrah,thesebethevtwoIwrittotheeof,nav,whatadrowsv
vh.*+i
humouristhisnow?whydostthounotspeak?
Lor.ju.Oh.youareafinegallant,yousentmearareletter.Pros.Whv.was'tnotrare?
*•*
Lor.ju.Yes,I'llbeswornIwasne'erguiltyofreadingthelike,matchitinallPliny'sfamiliarEpistles,andI'llhavemyjudgmentburn'dintheearforarogue,makemuchofthyvein,foritisinimitable.ButImariewhatcamelitwas,thathadthecarriageofit?fordoubtlesshewasnoordinarybeastthatbroughtit.
Pros.Why?
Lor.in.Why,sayestthou?why,dostthouthinkthatanyreasonablecreature,especiallyinthemorning,(thesobertuneofthedaytoo)wouldhaveta'enmyfatherforme?
Pro-s.'Sblood.youjest,Ihope?
L:r.in.Indeed,thebestusewecanturnitto,istomakeajeston'tnow:butI'llassureyou,myfatherhadtheprovingofyourcopysomehourbeforeIsawit.
Pros.Whatadullslavewasthis!But,sirrah,whatsaidhetoit.,i'faith?
Lor.in.Xay,Iknownotwhathesaid.ButIhaveashrewdguesswhathethought.
Pro.What?what?
LJT.ju.Marry,thatthouartadamn'ddissolutevillain,AndIsomegrainortwobetter,inkeepingtheecompany.
Prc-s.Tut,thatthoughtislikethemooninthelastquarter,'twillchangeshortly:but,sirrah,IpraytheebeacquaintedwithmytwoZame-shere,thouwilttakeexceedingpleasureinthemif
J
themhearstthemonce,butwhatstrangepieceofsilenceistL;«:thesignofthedumbman?
Lor.ju.Oh,sir,akinsmanofmine,onethatmaymakeourmusicthefuller,anheplease,hehathhishumour,sir.
Pros.Oh,whatis't?whatis't?
Lor.ju.Xay,I'llneitherdothyjudgmentnorhi3follythatwrong,astopreparethyapprehension:I'llleavehimtothemercyofthetime,ifyoucantakehim:so.
Pros.Well.SisrniorBobadilla,SigniorMathto:Iprayyouknowthis£entlemanhere,heisafriendofmine,andonethatwillwelldeserveyouraffection,Iknownotyourname,Signior,butIshallbegladofanygoodoccasiontobemorefamiliarwithyou.
Step.MynameisSeniorStephana,sir,Iamthisgentleman'scousin,sir,hisfatherismineuncle;sir,Iamsomewhatmelancholy,butyoushallcommandme,sir,inwhatsoeverisincidenttoagentleman.
Bob.Signior,Imusttellyouthis,Iamnogeneralman,embraceitasamosthighfavour,for(bythehostofEgypt•butthatIconceiveyoutobeagentlemanofsomeparts,Ilovefewwords:youhavewit:imagine.
^-p.Ay,truly,sir,Iammightilygiventomelancholy.
Mat.0Lord,sir,it'syuronlybe-sthumour,sir.yourtruemelancholybreedsyourperfectfinewit.sir:Iammelancholymyselfdiverstimes,sir,andthendoInomorebuttakeyourpenandpaperpresently,andwriteyouyourhalfscoreoryourdozenofsonnetsatasitting.
Lor.ju.Mass,thenheuttersthembythegross.
§:-.p.Truly,sir,andIlovesuchthingsoutofmeasure.
Lor.ju.I'faith,aswellasinmeasure.
Mat.Why,Iprayyou,Signior,makeuseofmystudy,it'satyourservice.
Step.Ithankyou,sir,Ishallbebold,Iwarrantyou,haveyouaclosestoolthere?
Mai.Faith,sir,Ihavesomepapersthere,toysofmineowndoingatidlehours,thatyou'llsaythere'ssomesparksofwitinthem,whenyoushallseethem.
Pros.Wouldtheywerekindledonce,andagoodfiremade,Imicrhtseeself-loveburn'dforherhert
§:*p.Cousin,isitwell?amImelancholyenough?
Lor.ju.Oh,ay.excellent.
Pros.SigniorBobadilla,whymuseyouso?
Lor.iu.Heismelancholytoo.
Bob.'Faith,sir.Iwasthinkingofamosthonour-.''|'-x-eofservicewasperform'dto-morrow,beingSt.Mark'sday,shallbesometenyears.
Lor.ju'Inwhatplacewasthatservice,I}--ir?
Bob.Why,atthebeleagueringofGhibdlttto,where,inan
twohours,"sevenhundred.tlernen.asanywerein
Europe,losttheirlivesuponthebrea.h:I'lltellyou.gentlemen,itwasthefirst,butthebestleaguerthateverIbeheldwitht.
eyes,exceptthetakinginofTortosalastyearbytheGenoways,butthat(ofallother)wasthemostfatalanddangerousexploitthateverIwasrangedin,sinceIfirstborearmsbeforethefaceoftheenemy,asIamagentlemanandasoldier.
Step.So,IhadasliefasanangelIcouldswearaswellasthatgentleman.
Lor.ju.Thenyouwereaservitoratboth,itseems.
Bob.0Lord,sir:byPhaeton,Iwasthefirstmanthatenteredthebreach,andhadInoteffecteditwithresolution,IhadbeenslainifIhadhadamillionoflives.
Lor.ju.Indeed,sir?
Step.Nay,anyouheardhimdiscourseyouwouldsayso:howlikeyouhim?
Bob.Iassureyou(uponmysalvation)'tistrue,andyourselfshallconfess.
Pros.Youmustbringhimtotherackfirst.
Bob.Observemejudicially,sweetSignior:theyhadplantedmeademi-culverinjustinthemouthofthebreach;now,sir,(asweweretoascend),theirmastergunner(amanofnomeanskillandcourage,youmustthink,)confrontsmewithhislinstockreadytogivefire;Ispyinghisintendment,dischargedmypetronelinhisbosom,andwiththisinstrument,mypoorrapier,ranviolentlyupontheMoorsthatguardedtheordnrnce,andputthempell-melltothesword.
Pros.Tothesword?totherapier,Signior.
Lor.ju.Oh,itwasagoodfigureobserved,sir:butdidyouallthis,Signior,withouthurtingyourblade?
Bob.Withoutanyimpeachontheearth:youshallperceive,sir,itisthemostfortunateweaponthateverridonapoorgentleman'sthigh:shallItellyou,sir?youtalkofMorglay,Excalibur,Durindana,orso:tut,Ilendnocredittothatisreportedofthem,Iknowthevirtueofmineown,andthereforeIdaretheboldliermaintainit.
Step.ImariewhetheritbeaToledoorno?
Bob.AmostperfectToledo,Iassureyou,Signior.
Step.Ihaveacountrymanofhishere.
Mat.Prayyoulet'ssee,sir:yes,faith,itis.
Bob.ThisaToledo?pish!
Step.Whydoyoupish,Signior?
Bob.AFleming,byPhoebus!I'llbuythemforaguilderapiece,anI'llhaveathousandofthem.
Lor.ju.Howsayyou,cousin?Itoldyouthusmuch.
Pros.Whereboughtyouit,Signior?
Step.Ofascurvyroguesoldier,apoxofGodonhim,hesworeitwasaToledo.
Bob.Aprovantrapier,nobetter.
Mat.Mass,Ithinkitbeindeed.
Lor.ju.Tut,nowit'stoolatetolookonit,putitup,putitup.
Step.Well,Iwillnotputitup,butbyGod'sfoot,ane'erImeethim—
Pros.Oh,itispastremedynow,sir,youmusthavepatience.
Step.Whoreson,coney-catchingrascal;oh,Icouldeattheveryhiltsforanger.
Lor.ju.Asignyouhaveagoodostrichstomach,con.°in.
Step.Astomach?wouldIhadhimhere,youshouldseeanIhadastomach.
Pros.It'sbetteras'tis:come,gentlemen,shallwego?
Lor.ju.Amiracle,cousin,lookhere,lookhere.[EnterMusco.
Step.Oh,God'slid,byyourleave,doyouknowme,sir?
Mus.Ay,sir,Iknowyoubysight.
Step.Yousoldmearapier,didyounot?
Mus.Yes,marrydidI,sir.
Step.YousaiditwasaToledo,ha?
Mus.True,Ididso.
Step.Butitisnone.
Mus.No,sir,Iconfessit,itisnone.
Step.Gentlemen,bearwitness,hehasconfestit.ByGod'slid,anyouhadnotconfestit—
Lor.ju.Oh,cousin,forbear,forbear.
Step.Nay,Ihavedone,cousin.
Pros.Why,youhavedonelikeagentleman,hehasconfestit,whatwouldyoumore?
Lor.ju.Sirrah,howdostthoulikehim?
Pros.Oh,it'sapreciousgoodfool,makemuchonhim:Icancomparehimtonothingmorehappilythanabarber'svirginals;foreveryonemayplayuponhim.
Mus.Gentleman,shallIintreatawordwithyou?
Lor.ju.Withallmyheart,sir,youhavenotanotherToledotosell,haveyou?
Mus.Youarepleasant,yournameisSigniorLorenzo,asItakeit?
Lor.ju.Youareintheright:'Sblood,hemeanstocatechiseme,Ithink.
Mus.No,sir,IleavethattotheCurate,Iamnoneofthatcoat.
Lor.ju.Andyetofasbareacoat;well,say,sir.
Mus.Faith,Signior,IambutservanttoGodMarsextraordinary,andindeed(thisbrassvarnishbeingwashedoff,andthreeorfourothertrickssublated)Iappearyoursinreversion,afterthedeceaseofyourgoodfather,Musco.
Lor.ju.Musco,'sblood,whatwindhathblowntheehitherinthisshape?
Mus.Youreasterlywind,sir,thesamethatblewyourfatherhither.
Lor.ju.Myfather?
Mus.Nay,neverstart,it'strue,heiscometotownofpurposetoseekyou.
Lor.ju.SirrahProspero,whatshallwedo,sirrah?myfatheriscometothecity.
Pros.Thyfather:whereishe?
Mus.Atagentleman'shouseyonderbySt.Anthony's,wherehebutstaysmyreturn;andthen—
Pros.Who'sthis?Musco?
Mus.Thesame,sir.
Pros.Why,howcom'stthoutransmutedthus?
Mus.Faith,adevice,adevice,nay,fortheloveofGod,standnothere,gentlemen,houseyourselves,andI'lltellyouall.
Lor.ju.Butartthousurehewillstaythyreturn?
Mus.DoIlive,sir?whataquestionisthat!
Pros.Well,we'llproroguehisexpectationalittle:Musco,thoushaltgowithus:Comeon,gentlemen:nay,Ipraythee,(goodrascal)droopnot,'sheart,anourwitsbesogouty,thatoneoldploddingbraincanoutstripusall.Lord,Ibeseechthee,maytheylieandstarveinsome
miserablespittle,wheretheymayneverseethefaceofanytruespiritagain,butbeperpetuallyhauntedwithsomechurch-yardhobgoblininseculoseculorum.
Mus.Amen,Amen.[Exeunt.
ACTIII
SCENEI.—EnterTHORELLO,andPiso.
Pis.Hewillexpectyou,sir,withinthishalfhour.
Tho.Why,what'saclock?
Pis.Newstrikenten.
Tho.Hathhethemoneyready,canyoutell?
Pis.Yes,sir,Baptistabroughtityesternight.
Tho.Oh,that'swell:fetchmemycloak.[ExitPiso.
Stay,letmesee;anhourtogoandcome,Ay,thatwillbetheleast:andthen'twillbeAnhourbeforeIcandispatchwithhim;Orverynear:well,Iwillsaytwohours;Twohours?ha!thingsneverdreamtofyetMaybecontrived,ay,andeffectedtoo,Intwohours'absence:well,Iwillnotgo.Twohours;no,fleeringopportunity,Iwillnotgiveyourtreacherythatscope.Whowillnotjudgehimworthytoberobb'd,Thatsetshisdoorswideopentoathief,Andshewsthefelonwherehistreasurelies?Again,whatearthyspiritbutwillattemptTotastethefruitofbeauty'sgoldentree,Whenleadensleepsealsupthedragon'seyes?Oh,beautyisaprojectofsomepower,Chieflywhenopportunityattendsher:Shewillinfusetruemotioninastone,Putglowingfireinanicysoul,Stuffpeasants'bosomswithproudCcesar'sspleen,Pourrichdeviceintoanemptybrain:Bringyouthtofolly'sgate:theretrainhimin,Andafterall,extenuatehissin.Well,Iwillnotgo,Iamresolvedforthat.Go,carryitagain:yetstay:yetdotoo,Iwilldeferittillsomeothertime.[EnterPiso.
Pis.Sir,SigniorPlatanowillmeetyoutherewiththebond.Tho.That'strue:byJesu,Ihadcleanforgotit.Imustgo,what'saclock?Pis.Pastten,sir.
Tho.'Heart,thenwillProsperopresentlybeheretoo,Withoneorotherofhislooseconsorts.IamaJewifIknowwhattosay,Whatcoursetotake,orwhichwaytoresolve.Mybrain(methinks)islikeanhour-glass,AndmyimaginationslikethesandsRundribblingforthtofillthemouthoftime,Stillchangedwithturningintheventricle.WhatwereIbesttodo?itshallbeso.Nay,Idarebuilduponhissecrecy.Piso.Pis.Sir.
Tho.YetnowIhavebethoughtmetoo,Iwillnot.IsCobwithin?
Pis.Ithinkhebe,sir.
Tho.Buthe'llpratetoo,there'snotalkofhim.Xo,therewerenocourseupontheearthtothis,IfIdursttrusthim;tut,Iweresecure,Butthere'sthequestionnow,ifheshouldprove,
Rimarumplenus,then,'sblood,Iwererook'd.ThestatethathehathstoodintillthispresentDothpromisenosuchchange:whatshouldIfearthen?Well,comewhatwill,I'lltemptmyfortuneonce.Piso,thoumayestdeceiveme,butIthinkthoulovestme,Piso.
Pis.Sir,ifaservant'szealandhumbledutymaybeterm'dlove,youarepossestofit.
Tho.Ihaveamattertoimparttothee,butthoumustbesecret,Piso.
Pis.Sir,forthat—
Tho.Nay,hearme,man;thinkIesteemtheewell,Tolettheeinthustomyprivatethoughts;Piso,itisathingsitsnearertomycrest,Thanthouart'wareof;ifthoushould'strevealit—Pis.Revealit,sir?
Tho.Nay,Idonotthinkthouwould'st,butifthoushould'st—Pis.Sir,thenIwereavillain:DisclaiminmeforeverifIdo.
Tho.Hewillnotswear:hehassomemeaning,sure,Else(beingurgedsomuch)howshouldhechoose,Butlendanoathtoallthisprotestation?Heisnopuritan,thatIamcertainof.WhatshouldIthinkofit?urgehimagain,Andinsomeotherform:Iwilldoso.
Well,Piso,thouhastswornnottodisclose;ay,youdidswear?Pis.Notyet,sir,butIwill,sopleaseyou.Tho.Nay,Idaretakethyword.Butifthouwiltswear,doasyouthinkgood,
Iamresolvedwithoutsuchcircumstance.
Pis.Bymysoul'ssafety,sir,Ihereprotest,Mytongueshallne'ertakeknowledgeofawordDeliver'dmeincompassofyourtrust.
Tho.Enough,enough,theseceremoniesneednot,Iknowthyfaithtobeasfirmasbrass.Piso,comehither:nay,wemustbecloseInmanagingtheseactions:Soitis,(NowhehasswornIdarethesafelierspeak;)Ihaveoflatebydiversobservations—But,whetherhisoathbelawful,yea,orno?ha!IwillaskcounselereIdoproceed:Piso,itwillbenowtoolongtostay,We'llspysomefittertimesoon,orto-morrow.
Pis.Atyourpleasure,sir.
Tho.Iprayyousearchthebooks'gainstIreturnForthereceipts'twixtmeandPlatano.
Pis.Iwill,sir.
Tho.Andhearyou:ifmybrotherProsperoChancetobringhitheranygentlemenEreIcomeback,letonestraightbringmeword.
Pis.Verywell,sir.
Tho.Forgetitnot,norbenotyououtoftheway.
Pis.Iwillnot,sir.
Tho.Orwhetherhecomeorno,ifanyother,Strangerorelse:failnottosendmeword.
Pis.Yes,sir.
Tho.Havecare,Iprayyou,andrememberit.
Pis.Iwarrantyou,sir.
Tho.But,Piso,thisisnotthesecretItoldtheeof.
Pis.No,sir,Isupposeso.
Tho.Nay,believeme,itisnot.
Pis.Idobelieveyou,sir.
Tho.Byheavenitisnot,that'senough.
Marry,Iwouldnotthoushould'stutterittoanycreatureliving,YetIcarenot.
Well,Imusthence:Piso,conceivethusmuch,NoordinarypersoncouldhavedrawnSodeepasecretfromme;Imeannotthis,ButthatIhavetotellthee:thisisnothing,this.Piso,remember,silence,buriedhere:Nogreaterhellthantobeslavetofear.[ExitTho.
Pis.Piso,remember,silence,buriedhere:Whenceshouldthisflowofpassion(trow)takehead?ha!Faith,I'lldreamnolongerofthisrunninghumour,ForfearIsink,theviolenceofthestreamAlreadyhathtransportedmesofar
ThatIcanfeelnogroundatall:butsoft,[EnterCOB.
Oh,it'sourwater-bearer:somewhathascrosthimnow.
Cob.Fastingdays:whattellyoumeofyourfastingdays?
wouldtheywereallonalightfireforme:theysaytheworldshallbeconsumedwithtireandbrimstoneinthelatterday:butIwouldwehadtheseemberweeksandthesevillainousFridaysburntinthemeantime,andthen—
Pis.Why,hownow,Cob!whatmovestheetothischoler,ha?
Cob.Collar,sir?'swounds,Iscornyourcollar,I,sir,amnocollier'shorse,sir,neverridemewithyourcollar,anyoudo,I'llshewyouajade'strick.
Pis.Oh,you'llslipyourheadoutofthecollar:why,Cob,youmistakeme.
Cob.Nay,Ihavemyrheum,andIbeangryaswellasanother,sir.
Pis.Thyrheum?thyhumour,man,thoumistakest.
Cob.Humour?mack,Ithinkitbesoindeed:whatisthishumour?it'ssomerarething,I
warrant.
Pis.Marry,I'lltelltheewhatitis(as'tisgenerallyreceivedinthesedays):itisamonsterbredinamanbyself-loveandaffectation,andfedbyfolly.
Cob.How?mustitbefed?
Pis.Ohay,humourisnothingifitbenotfed,why,didstthouneverhearofthat?it'sacommonphrase,Feedmyhumour.
Cob.I'llnoneonit:humour,avaunt,Iknowyounot,begone.Letwhowillmakehungrymealsforyou,itshallnotbeI:Feedyou,quothhe?'sblood,Ihavemuchadotofeedmyself,especiallyontheseleanrascaldaystoo,an'thadbeenanyotherdaybutafastingday:aplagueonthemallforme:bythislight,onemighthavedoneGodgoodserviceandhavedrown'dthemallinthefloodtwoorthreehundredthousandyearsago,oh,Idostomachthemhugely:Ihaveamawnow,an'twereforSirBevis'shorse.
Pis.Xay,butIpraythee,Cobtwhatmakestheesooutoflovewithfastingdays?
Cob.Marry,thatthatwillmakeanymanoutoflovewiththem.Ithink:theirbadconditions,anyouwillneedsknow:First,theyareofaFlemishbreed,Iamsureon't,fortheyravenupmorebutterthanallthedaysoftheweekbeside:next,theystinkoffishmiserably:thirdly,they'llkeepamandevoutlyhungryallday,andatnightsendhimsupperlesstobed.
Pis.Indeed,thesearefaults,Cob.
Cob.Nay,anthiswereall,'tweresomething,buttheyaretheonlyknownenemiestomygeneration.Alastini:daynosoonercomes,butmylineagegoestorack,poorCobs,theysmokeforit.theymeltinpassion,andyourmaidstooknowthis,andyetwouldhavemeturnHannibal,andeatmyownfishandblood:myprincelycoz,[pullsoutaredherring.]fearnothing;Ihavenotthehearttodevouryou,anImightbemadeasrichasGolias:oh,thatIhadroomformytears,Icould\\eepsaltwaterenoughnowtopreservethelivesoftenthousandofmykin:butImaycursenonebutthesefilthyAlmanacks,foran'tunenotforthem,thesedaysofpersecutionwouldne'erbekno\vn.I'llbehair/dansomefishmonger'ssondonotmakeonthem,andputsinmorefastingdays
thanheshoulddo,becausehewouldutterhisfather'sdriedstockfish.
Pis.'Soul,peace,thou'ltbebeatenlikeastockfishelse:hereisSigniorMatheo.[EnterMATHEO,PROSPERO,LORENZOjunior,
BOBADILLA,STEPHANO,Musco.NowmustIlookoutforamessengertomymaster.
[ExeuntCobandPiso-
SCENEII.
Pros.Beshrewme,butitwasanabsolutegoodjest,andexceedinglywellcarried.
Lor.ju.Ay,andourignorancemaintain'ditaswell,diditnot?
Pros.Yes,faith,butwas'tpossiblethoushould'stnotknowhim?
Lor.ju.'ForeGod,notI,anImighthavebeenjoin'dpattenwithoneofthenineworthiesforknowinghim.'Sblood,man,hehadsowrithenhimselfintothehabitofoneofyourpoorDispar-view'shere,yourdecayed,ruinous,worm-eatengentlemenoftheround:suchashavevowedtositontheskirtsofthecity,letyourProvostandhishalfdozenofhalberdiersdowhattheycan;andhavetranslatedbeggingoutoftheoldhackneypace,toafineeasyamble,andmadeitrunassmoothoffthetongueasashove-groatshilling,intothelikenessofoneoftheseleanPirgo's,hadhemouldedhimselfsoperfectly,observingeverytrickoftheiraction,asvaryingtheaccent:swearingwithanemphasis.Indeed,allwithsospecialandexquisiteagrace,that(hadstthouseenhim)thouwould'sthaveswornhemighthavebeentheTamberlane,ortheAgamemnonontherout.
Pros.Why,Musco,whowouldhavethoughtthouhadstbeensuchagallant?
Lor.ju.Icannottell,but(unlessamanhadjuggledbeggingallhislifetime,aridbeenaweaverofphrasesfromhisinfancy,fortheapparellingofit)Ithinktheworldcannotproducehisrival.
Pros.Wheregot'stthouthiscoat,Imarie?
Mus.Faith,sir,Ihaditofoneofthedevil'snearkinsmen,abroker.
Pros.Thatcannotbe,iftheproverbhold,acraftyknaveneedsnobroker.
Mus.True,sir,butIneedabroker,ergo,nocraftyknave.
Pros.Wellputoff,wellputoff.
Lor.ju.Tut,hehasmoreoftheseshifts.
Mus.AndyetwhereIhaveone,thebrokerhasten,sir.[EnterPis.
Pis.Francisco,Martino,ne'eraonetobefoundnow:whataspite'sthis?
Pros.Hownow,Piso?ismybrotherwithin?
Pis.No,sir,mymasterwentforthe'ennow,butSigniorGiulianoiswithin.Cob,what,CobfIshegonetoo?
Pros.Whitherwentthymaster?Piso,canstthoutell?
Pis.Iknownot,toDoctorClement's,Ithink,sir.Cob.[ExitPis.
Lor.ju.DoctorClement,what'she?1haveheardmuchspeechofhim.
Pros.Why,dostthounotknowhira?heistheGonfaloniereofthestatehere,anexcellent
rarecivilian,andagreatscholar,buttheonlymadmerryoldfellowinEurope:Ishewedhimyoutheotherday.
Lor.ju.Oh,Irememberhimnow;Goodfaith,andhehathaverystrangepresence,methinks,itshewsasifhestoodoutoftherankfromothermen.IhaveheardmanyofhisjestsinPadua;theysayhewillcommitamanfortakingthewallofhishorse.
Pros.Ay,orwearinghiscloakononeshoulder,oranythingindeed,ifitcomeinthewayofhishumour.
Pis.Gaspar,Martino,Cob:'Sheart,whereshouldtheybe,trow?[EnterPiso.
Bob.SigniorThorello'sman,Ipraytheevouchsafeusthelightingofthismatch.
Pis.Apoxonyourmatch,notimebutnowtovouchsafe?Francisco,Cob.[Exit.
Bob.Bodyofme:here'stheremainderofsevenpound,sinceyesterdaywassevennight.It'syourrightTrinidado:didyounevertakeany,signior?
Step.No,truly,sir;butI'lllearntotakeitnow,sinceyoucommenditso.
Bob.Signior,believeme(uponmyrelation)forwhatItellyou,theworldshallnotimprove.IhavebeenintheIndies,(wherethisherbgrows)whereneithermyselfnoradozengentlemenmore(ofmyknowledge)havereceivedthetasteofanyothernutrimentintheworld,forthespaceofoneandtwentyweeks,buttobaccoonly.Thereforeitcannotbebut'tismostdivine.Further,takeitinthenature,inthetruekind,so,itmakesanantidote,thathadyoutakenthemostdeadlypoisonoussimpleinallFlorenceitshouldexpelit,andclarifyyouwithasmucheaseasIspeak.Andforyourgreenwound,yourBalsamum,andyour--areallmeregulleries,andtrashtoit,especiallyyourTrinidado:yourNicotianisgoodtoo:IcouldsaywhatIknowofthevirtueofit,fortheexposingofrheums,rawhumours,crudities,obstructions,withathousandofthiskind;butIprofessmyselfnoquack-salver.Onlythusmuch;byHercules,Idoholdit,andwillaffirmit(beforeanyPrinceinEurope)tobethemostsovereignandpreciousherbthatevertheearthtenderedtotheuseofman.
Lor.ju.Oh,thisspeechwouldhavedonerareinanapothecnry'smouth.[EnterPisoandCOB.
Pis.Ay;closebySaintAnthony's:DoctorClement's.
Cob.Oh,oh.
Bob.Where'sthematchIgavethee?
Pis.'SMood,wouldhismatch,andhe,andpipe,andall,wereatSanctoDomingo.[Exit.
Cob.ByGod'sdeins,Imariewhatpleasureorfelicitytheyhaveintakingthisroguishtobacco;it'sgoodfornothingbuttochokeaman,andfillhimfullofsmokeandembers:therewerefourdiedoutofonehouselastweekwithtakingofit,andtunmorethebellwentforyesternight,oneofthem(theysay)will
ne'erescapeit,hevoidedabushelofsootyesterday,upwardanddownward.Bythestocks,antherewerenowisermenthanI,I'dhaveitpresentdeath,manorwoman,thatshouldbutdealwithatobaccopipe;why,itwillstiflethemallintheendasmanyasuseit;it'slittlebetterthanrat's-bane.[ExitPiso.
All.Oh,goodSignior;hold,hold.
Bob.Youbasecullion,you.
Pis.Sir,here'syourmatch;come,thoumustneedsbetalkingtoo.
Cob.Nay,hewillnotmeddlewithhismatch,Iwarrantyou;well,itshallbeadearbeating,anIlive.
Bob.Doyouprate?
Lor.ju.Nay,goodSignior,willyouregardthehumourofafool?Away,knave.
Pros.Piso,gethimaway.[ExitPisoandCob.
Bob.Awhoresonfilthyslave,aturd,anexcrement.BodyofCcesar,butthatIscorntoletforthsomeanaspirit,I'dhavestabb'dhimtotheearth.
Pros.Marry,Godforbid,sir.
Bob.Bythisfairheaven,Iwouldhavedoneit.
Step.Oh,heswearsadmirably:(bythisfairheaven!)BodyofCcesar:Ishallneverdoit,sure(uponmysalvation).No,Ihavenottherightgrace.
Mat.Signior,willyouany?Bythisair,themostdivinetobaccoaseverIdrunk.
Lor.ju.Ithankyou,sir.
Step.Oh,thisgentlemandothitrarelytoo,butnothingliketheother.Bythisair,asIamagentleman:ByPhoebus.[ExitBob.
Mus.Master,glance,glance:SigniorProspero.andMat.
Step.AsIhaveasoultobesaved,Idoprotest—
Pros.Thatyouareafool.
Lor.ju.Cousin,willyouanytobacco?
Step.Ay,sir:uponmysalvation.
Lor.ju.Hownow,cousin?
Step.Iprotest,asIamagentleman,butnosoldierindeed.
Pros.No,Signior,asIremember,youservedonagreathorse,lastgeneralmuster.
Step.Ay,sir,that'strue,cousin,mayIswearasIamasoldier,bythat?'
Lor.ju.Ohyes,thatyoumay.
Step.ThenasIamagentleman,andasoldier,itisdivinetobacco.
Pros.Butsoft,where'sSigniorMatheo?gone?
Mus.No,sir,theywentinhere.
Pros.Oh,let'sfollowthem:SigniorMatheoisgonetosalutehismistress,sirrah,nowthoushalthearsomeofhisverses,forhenevercomeshitherwithoutsomeshredsofpoetry:Come,SigniorStephana.Musco.
Step.Musco?where?IsthisMusco?
Lor.ju.Ay;butpeace,cousin,nowordsofitatanyhand.
Step.NotI,bythisfairheaven,asIhaveasoultobesaved,byPhabus.
Pros.Ohrare!yourcousin'sdiscourseissimplysuited,allinoaths.
Lor.ju.Ay,helacksnothingbutalittlelightstuff,todrawthemoutwithal,andhewererarelyfittedtothetime.[Exeunt.
SCENEIII.—EnterTHORELLOwithCOB.
Tho.Ha,howmanyarethere,sayestthou?
Cob.Marry,sir,yourbrother,SigniorProspero.
Tho.Tut,besidehim:whatstrangersarethere,man?
Cob.Strangers?letmesee,one,two;mass,Iknownotwell,there'ssomany.
Tho.How?somany?
Cob.Ay,there'ssomefiveorsixofthematthemost.
Tho.Aswarm,aswarm?Spiteofthedevil,howtheystingmyheart!Howlonghastthoubeencominghither,Cob?
Cob.Butalittlewhile,sir.
Tho.Didstthoucomerunning?
Cob.No,sir.
Tho.Tut,thenIamfamiliarwiththyhaste.Bantomyfortunes:whatmeantItomarry?Ithatbeforewasrank'dinsuchcontent,Mymindattiredinsmoothsilkenpeace,Beingfreemasterofmineownfreethoughts,Andnowbecomeaslave?what,neversigh,Beofgoodcheer,man:forthouartacuckold,'Tisdone,'tisdone:nay,whensuchflowingstore,Plentyitselffallsinmywife'slap,TheCornucopiawillbemine,Iknow.But,Cob,Whatentertainmenthadthey?IamsureMvsisterandmywifewouldbidthemwelcome,ha?
Cob.Likeenough:yetIheardnotawordofwelcomo.
Tho.No,theirlipswereseal'dwithkisses,andthevoi,oDrown'dinafloodofjoyattheirarrival,Hadlosthermotion,state,andfaculty.Cob,whichofthemwas'tthatfirstkiss'dmywife?(Mysister,Ishouldsay,)mywife,alas,Ifearnother:ha?whowasit,say'stthou?
Cob.Bymytroth,sir,willyouhavethetruthofit'
Tho.Ohay,goodCob:Ipraythee.
Cob.God'smyjudge,Isawnobodytobekiss'd,unlosathoywouldhavekiss'dthepostinthemiddleofthewarchou.se;forthereIleftthemall,attheirtobacco,withapox.
Tho.How?weretheynotgoneinthenerethoucam's!''.
Cob.Ohno,sir.
Tho.Spiteofthedevil,whatloIstayherethen?Cob,followme.[*•>''Tim.
Cob.Nay,softandfair,Ihaveeggsonthespit;ICMHIK-Lgo
yet,sir:nowamIforsomediversreasonshammering,hammeringrevenge:oh,forthreeorfourgallonsofvinegar,tosharpenmywits:Revenge,vinegarrevenge,russetrevenge;nay,anhehadnotlieninmyhouse,'twouldneverhavegrievedme;butbeingmyguest,onethatI'llbeswornmywifehaslenthimhersmockoffherback,whilehisownshirthasbeenatwashing:pawnedherneckerchersforcleanbandsforhim:soldalmostallmyplatterstobuyhimtobacco;andyettoseeaningratitudewretchstrikehishost;well,Ihopetoraiseupanhostoffuriesfor't:herecomesM.Doctor.[EnterDoctorCLEMENT,LOKENZOsenior,PETO.
Clem.What'sSigniorTJwrellogone?
Pet.Ay,sir.
Clem.Heartofme,whatmadehimleaveussoabruptly?Hownow,sirrah;whatmakeyouhere?whatwouldyouhave,ha?
Cob.An'tpleaseyourworship,Iamapoorneighbourofyourworship's.
Clem.Aneighbourofmine,knave?
Cob.Ay,sir,atthesignoftheWater-tankard,hardbytheGreenLattice:Ihavepaidscotand
lotthereanytimethiseighteenyears.
Clem.What,attheGreenLattice?
Cob.No,sir:totheparish:marry,Ihaveseldomscapedscot-freeattheLattice.
Clem.So:butwhatbusinesshathmyneighbour?
Cob.An'tlikeyourworship,Iamcometocravethepeaceofyourworship.
Clem.Ofme,knave?peaceofme,knave?didIe'erhurtthee?didIeverthreatenthee?orwrongthee?ha?
Cob.No,God'smycomfort,Imeanyourworship'swarrant,foronethathathwrong'dme,sir:hisarmsareattoomuchliberty,Iwouldfainhavethemboundtoatreatyofpeace,anIcouldbyanymeanscompassit.
Lor.Why,dostthougoindangerofthylifeforhim?
Cob.No,sir;butIgoindangerofmydeatheveryhourbyhismeans;anIdiewithinatwelve-monthandaday,Imayswear,bythelawsoftheland,thathekill'dme.
Clem.How?how,knave?swearhekill'dthee?whatpretext?whatcolourhastthouforthat?
Cob.Marry,sir,bothblackandblue,colourenough,Iwarrantyou,Ihaveitheretoshewyourworship.
Clem.Whatishethatgaveyouthis,sirrah?
Cob.Agentlemaninthecity,sir.
Clem.Agentleman?whatcallyouhim?
Cob.SigniorBobadilla.
Clem.Good:Butwhereforedidhebeatyou,sirrah?howbeganthequarrel'twixtyou?ha:speaktruly,knave,Iadviseyou.
Cob.Marry,sir,becauseIspakeagainsttheirvagranttobacco,asIcamebythem:fornothingelse.
Clem.Ha,youspeakagainsttobacco?Peto,hisname.
Pet.What'syourname,sirrah?
Cob.OliverCob,sir,setOliverCob,sir.
Clem.TellOliverCobheshallgotothejail.
Pet.OliverCob,masterDoctorsaysyoushallgotothejail.
Cob.Oh,Ibeseechyourworship,forGod'slove,dearmasterDoctor.
Clem.Nay,God'sprecious!ansuchdrunkenknavesasyouarecometodisputeoftobaccoonce,Ihavedone:awaywithhim.
Cob.Oh,goodmasterDoctor,sweetgentleman.
Lor.se.SweetOliver,wouldIcoulddotheeanygood;masterDoctor,letmeintreat,sir.
Clem.What?atankard-bearer,athread-barerascal,abeggar,aslavethatneverdrunkoutofbetterthanpiss-potmetalinhislife,andhetodepraveandabusethevirtueofanherbsogenerallyreceivedinthecourtsofprinces,thechambersofnobles,thebowersofsweetladies,thecabinsofsoldiers:Pelo,awaywithhim,byGod'spassion,Isay,goto.
Cob.DearmasterDoctor.
Lor.se.Alas,poorOliver.
Clem.Peto:ay:andmakehimawarrant,heshallnotgo,Ibutfeartheknave.
Cob.0divineDoctor,thanks,nobleDoctor,mostdaintyDoctor,deliciousDoctor.[ExeuntPetowithCob.
Clem.SigniorLorenzo:God'spity,man,Bemerry,bemerry,leavethesedumps.
Lor.se.Troth,wouldIcould,sir:butenforcedmirth(Inmyweakjudgment)hasnohappybirth.Themind,beingonceaprisoneruntocares,Themoreitdreamsonjoy,theworseitfares.AsmilinglookistoaheavysoulAsagiltbiastoaleadenbowl,Which(initself)appearsmostvile,beingspentTonotrueuse;butonlyforostent.
Clem.Nay,but,goodSignior,hearmeaword,hearmeaword,yourcaresarenothing;theyarelikemycap,soonputon,andassoonputoff.What?yoursonisoldenoughtogovernhimself;lethimrunhiscourse,it'stheonlywaytomakehimastaidman:ifhewereanunthrift,aruffian,adrunkard,oralicentiousliver,thenyouhadreason:youhadreasontotakecare:butbeingnoneofthese,God'spassion,anIhadtwicesomanycaresasyouhave,I'ddrownthemallinacupofsack:come,come,Imuseyourparcelofasoldierreturnsnotallthiswhile.[Exeunt.
SCENEIV.—EnterGIULIANO,withBIANCITA.
Giu.Well,sister,Itellyoutrue:andyou'lllimlitBOinthrmd.
Bia.Alas,brother,whatwouldyouhaveme.todo?Icannothelpit;yousee,mybrotherProspcrohebringstheminhere,theyarehisfriends.
Qiu.Hisfriends?hisfriends?Vhlood.theydonothingbuthaunthimupanddownlikeasortofunluckysprites,andtempthimtoallmannerofvillainythatcanbethoughtof;well,by
this
light,alittlethingwouldmakemeplaythedevilwithsomeofthem;an'twerenotmoreforyourhusband'ssakethananythingelse,I'dmakethehousetoohotforthem;theyshouldsayandswear,hellwerebrokenloose,eretheywent.ButbyGod'sbread,'tisnobody'sfaultbutyours;foranyouhaddoneasyoumighthavedone,theyshouldhavebeendamn'deretheyshouldhavecomein,e'eraoneofthem.
Bia.God'smylife;didyoueverhearthelike?whatastrangemanisthis!couldIkeepoutallthem,thinkyou?Ishouldputmyselfagamsthalfadozenmen,shouldI?Goodfaith,you'dmadthepatient'stbodyintheworld,tohearyoutalkso,withoutanysenseorreason.[EnterMATHEOwithHESPERIDA,BOBADTT.TA,
STEPHANO,LORENZOjunior,PBOSPERO,Musco.
Hesp.Servant,(introth)youaretooprodigalofyourwits'treasure,thustopouritforthuponsomeanasubjectasmyworth.
Mat.Yousaywell,yousaywell.
Giu.Hoyday,hereisstuff.
Lor.ju.Oh,nowstandclose;prayGodshecangethimtoreadit.
Pros.Tut,fearnot:Iwarranttheehewilldoitofhimselfwithmuchimpudency.
Hes.Servant,whatisthatsame,Iprayyou?
Mat.Marry,anElegy,anElegy,anoddtoy.
Giu.Ay,tomockanapewithal.OJesu.
Bia.Sister,Iprayyoulet'shearit.
Mat.Mistress,I'llreadit,ifyouplease.
Hes.Iprayyoudo,servant.
Giu.Oh,here'snofoppery.'Sblood,itfretsmetothegalltothinkonit.[Exit.
Pros.Ohay,itishiscondition,peace:wearefairlyridofhim.
Mat.Faith,Ididitinanhumour:Iknownothowitis,butpleaseyoucomenear,signior:thisgentlemanhathjudgment,heknowshowtocensureofa1prayyou,sir,youcanjudge.
Step.NotI,sir:as/haveasoultobesaved,asIamagentleman.
Lor.ju.Nay,it'swell;solongashedothnotforswearhimself.
Bob.Signior,youabusetheexcellencyofyourmistressandherfairsister.Fie,whileyouliveavoidthisprolixity.
Mat.Ishall,sir;well,inciperedulce.
Lor.ju.How,inciperedulce?asweetthingtobeafoolindeed.
Pros.What,doyoutakeincipereinthatsense?
Lor.ju.Youdonot,you?'Sblood,thiswasyourvillainytogullhimwithamotte.
Pros.Oh,thebenchers'phrase:paucaverba,paucaverba.
Mat.Rarecreature,letmespeakwithoutoffence,WouldGodmyrudeivordshadtheinfluenceTorulethythoughts,asthyfairlooksdomine,Thenshouldstthoubehisprisoner,whoisthine.
Lor.ju.'Sheart,thisisinHeroandLeander!
Pros.Ohay:peace,weshallhavemoreofthis.
Mat.Benotunkindandfair:misshapenstuffIsofbehaviourboisterousandrough:
Howlikeyouthat,Signior?'sblood,heshakeshisheadlikeabottle,tofeelantherebeanybraininit.
Mat.Butobservethecatastrophenow,AndIindutywillexceedallother,Asyouinbeautydoexcellove'smoth'r.
Lor.ju.Well,I'llhavehimfreeofthebrokers,forheuttersnothingbutstolenremnants.
Pros.Nay,goodcritic,forbear.
Lor.ju.Apoxonhim,hanghim,filchingrogue,stealfromthedead?it'sworsethansacrilege.
Pros.Sister,whathaveyouhere?verses?Iprayyoulet'ssee.
Bia.Doyouletthemgosolightly,sister?
Hes.Yes,faith,whentheycomelightly.
Bia.Ay,butifyourservantshouldhearyou,hewouldtakeitheavily.
Hes.Nomatter,heisabletobear.
Bia.Soareasses.
Hes.Soishe.
Pros.SigniorMatheo,whomadetheseverses?theyareexcellentgood.
Mat.0God,sir,it'syourpleasuretosayso,sir.Faith,Imadethemextemporethismorning.
Pros.Howextempore?
Mat.Ay,wouldImightbedamn'delse;askSigniorBobadilla.Hesawmewritethem,atthe—(poxonit)theMitreyonder.
Mus.Well,anthePopeknewhecursedtheMitreitwereenoughtohavehimexcommunicatedallthetavernsinthetown.
Step.Cousin,howdoyoulikethisgentleman'sverses?
Lor.ju.Oh,admirable,thebestthateverIheard.
Step.Bythisfairheavens,theyareadmirable,ThebestthateverIheard.[EnterGIULIANO.
Giu.IamvextIcanholdneveraboneofmestill,'Sblood,IthinktheymeantobuildaTabernaclehere,well?
Pros.Sister,youhaveasimpleservanthere,thatcrownsyourbeautywithsuchencomiumsanddevices,youmayseewhatitistobethemistressofawitthatcanmakeyourperfectionssotransparent,thateverybleareyemaylookthroughthem,andseehimdrownedoverheadandearsinthedeepwellofdesire.SisterBiancha,Imarvelyougetyounotaservantthatcanrhymeanddotrickstoo.
Giu.Omonster!impudenceitself!tricksI
Bia.Tricks,brother?whattricks?
Hes.Nay,speak,Iprayyou,whattricks?
Bia.Ay,neverspareanybodyhere:butsay,whattrick*?
Hes.Passionofmyheart!dotricks?
Pros.'Sblood,here'satrickvied,andrevied:why,youmon-k'-ys,you!whataeater-waulingdoyoukeeplhashenotgivenyourhymes,andverses,andtricks?
Giu.Oh,seethedevil!
Pros.Nay,youlampofvirginity,thattakeitinsnuffso:come
andcherishthistamepoeticalfuryinyourservant,you'llbebegg'delseshortlyforaconcealment:goto,rewardhismuse,youcannotgivehimlessthanashillinginconscience,forthebookhehaditoutofcosthimatestonattheleast.Hownow,gallants,Lorenzo,SigniorBobadilla!what,allsonsofsilence?nospirit.
Giu.Come,youmightpractiseyourruffiantrickssomewhereelse,andnothere,Iwiss:thisisnotavern,nornoplaceforsuchexploits.
Pros.'Sheart,hownow!
Giu.Nay,boy,neverlookaskanceatmeforthematter;I'lltellyouofit,byGod'sbread,ay,andyouandyourcompanionsmendyourselveswhenIhavedone.
Pros.Mycompanions?
Giu.Ay,yourcompanions,sir,soIsay!'Sblood,Iamnotafraidofyounorthemneither,youmusthaveyourpoets,andyourcavaliers,andyourfoolsfollowyouupanddownthecity,andheretheymustcometodomineerandswagger?sirrah,youballad-singer,andslops,yourfellowthere,getyouout;getyouout:or(bythewillofGod)I'llcutoffyourears,goto.
Pros.'Sblood,stay,let'sseewhathedaredo:cutoffhisears;youareanass,touchanymanhere,andbytheLordI'llrunmyrapiertothehiltsinthee.
Giu.Yea,thatwouldIfainsee,boy.
Bia.OJesu!Piso!MatheoImurder!
Hes.Help,help,Piso!
[Theyalldraw,enterPisoandsomemoreoftheJwusetopartthem,thewomenmakeagreatcry.
Lor.ju.Gentlemen,Prospero,forbear,Iprayyou.
Bob.Well,sirrah,youHolofernes:bymyhand,Iwillpinkthyfleshfullofholeswithmyrapierforthis,Iwill,bythisgoodheaven:nay,lethimcome,lethimcome,gentlemen,bythebodyofSt.George,I'llnotkillhim.[Theyoffertofightagain,andareparted.
Pis.Hold,hold,forbear.
Giu.Youwhoreson,braggingcoistril.[EnterTHORELLO.
Tho.Why,hownow?what'sthematter?whatstirishere?Whencespringsthisquarrel?Piso,whereishe?Putupyourweapons,andputoffthisrage.Mywifeandsister,theyarecauseofthis.What,Piso?whereisthisknave?
Pis.Here,sir.
Pros.Come,let'sgo:thisisoneofmybrother'sancienthumours,this.
Step.Iamgladnobodywashurtbythisancienthumour.
[ExitProspero,Lorenzoju.,Musco,Stephano,Bobadilla,Matheo.
Tho.Why,hownow,brother,whoenforcedthisbrawl?
Giu.Asortoflewdrake-hells,thatcareneitherforGodnorthedevil.Andtheymustcomeheretoreadballadsandroguery,andtrash.I'llmartheknotofthemereIsleep,perhaps;especiallySigniorPithagoras,hethat'sallmannerofshapes:andsongsandsonnets,hisfellowthere.
Hes.Brother,indeedyouaretooviolent,Toosuddeninyourcourses,andyouknowMybrotherProsperoustemperwillnotbearAnyreproof,chieflyinsuchapresence,Whereeveryslightdisgraceheshouldreceive,Wouldwoundhiminopinionandrespect.
Giu.Respect?whattalkyouofrespect'mongstsuchAshadneithersparkofmanhoodnorgoodmanners?ByGodIamashamedtohearyou:respect?[Exit.
Hes.Yes,therewasoneacivilgentleman,Andveryworthilydemeanedhimself.
Tho.Oh,thatwassomeloveofyours,sister.
Hes.Aloveofmine?i'faith,IwouldhewereXoother'slovebutmine.
Bia.Indeed,heseem'dtobeagentlemanofanexceedingfairdisposition,andofveryexcellentgoodparts.
[ExitHesperida,Biancha.
Tho.Herlove,byJesu:mywife'sminion,Fairdisposition?excellentgoodparts?'Sheart,thesephrasesareintolerable,Goodparts?howshouldsheknowhisparts?well,well,Itistooplain,tooclear:Piso,comehither.What,aretheygone?
Pis.Ay,sir,theywentin.
Tho.Areanyofthegallantswithin?
Pis.Xo,sir,theyareallgone.
Tho.Artthousureofit?
Pis.Ay,sir,Icanassureyou.
Tho.Piso,whatgentlemanwasthattheypraisedso?
Piso.OnetheycallhimSigniorLorenzo,afairyounggentleman,sir.
Tho.Ay,Ithoughtso:mymindgavemeasmuch:'Sblood,I'llbehang'diftheyhavenothidhiminthehouse,Somewhere,I'llgosearch,Piso,gowithme,Betruetomeandthoushaltfindmebountiful.[Exeunt.
SCEXEV.—EnterCOB,tohimTIB.
Cob.What,Tib,Tib,Isay.
Tib.Hownow,whatcuckoldisthatknockssohard?Oh,husband,is'tyou?What'sthenews?
Cob.Nay,youhavestunn'dme,i'faith;youhavegivenmeaknockontheforeheadwillstickbyme:cuckold?"Swounds,cuckold?
Tib.Away,youfool,didIknowitwasyouthatknock'd?Come,come,youmaycallmeasbadwhenyouILst.
Cob.MayI?'swounds,Tib,youareawhore.
Tib.'Sheart,youlieinyourthroat.
Cob.How,thelie?andinmythroattoo?doyoulongtobestabb'd,ha?
Tib.Why,youarenosoldier?
Cob.Mass,that'strue,whenwasBobadillahere?thatrogue,thatslave,thatfencingBurgullion?I'llticklehim,i'faith.
Tib.Why,what'sthematter?
Cob.Oh,hehathbastedmerarely,sumptuously:butIhaveitherewillsaucehim,oh,thedoctor,thehonestestoldTrojaninallItaly,Idohonourtheveryfleaofhisdog:aplagueonhim,heputmeonceinavillainousfilthyfear:marry,itvanish'dawaylikethesmokeoftobacco:butIwassmok'dsoundlyfirst,Ithankthedevil,andhisgoodangelmyguest:well,wife,orTib,(whichyouwill)getyouin,andlockthedoor,Ichargeyou;letnobodyintoyou,notBobadillahimself,northedevilinhislikeness;youareawoman;youhavefleshandbloodenoughinyou;thereforebenottempted;keepthedoorshutuponallcomers.
Tib.Iwarrantyouthereshallnobodyenterherewithoutmyconsent.
Cob.Norwith}^ourconsent,sweetTib,andsoIleaveyou.
Tib.It'smorethanyouknow,whetheryouleavemeso.
Cob.How?
Tib.Why,sweet.
Cob.Tut,sweetorsour,thouartaflower.Keepclosethydoor,Iasknomore.[Exeunt.
SCENEVI.—EnterLORENZOjun.,PROSPERO,STEPHANO,Musco.
Lor.ju.Well,Musco,performthisbusinesshappily,Andthoumakestaconquestofmyloveforever.
Pros.I'faith,nowletthyspiritsputontheirbesthabit,Butatanyhandrememberthy
messagetomybrother,Forthere'snoothermeanstostarthim.
Mus.Iwarrantyou,sir,fearnothing;Ihaveanimblesoulthathathwakedallmyimaginativeforcesbythistime,andputthemintruemotion:whatyouhavepossestmewithal,I'lldischargeitamply,sir.Makenoquestion.[ExitMusco.
Pros.That'swellsaid,Musco:faith,sirrah,howdostthouapprovemywitinthisdevice?
Lor.ju.Troth,well,howsoever;butexcellentifittake.
Pros.Take,man:why,itcannotchoosebuttake,ifthecircumstancesmiscarrynot,buttellmezealously:dostthouaft'ectmysisterHesperida,asthoupretendest?
Lor.ju.Prospero,byJesu.
Pros.Come,donotprotest,Ibelievethee:i'faith,sheisavirginofgoodornament,andmuchmodesty,unlessIconceivedveryworthilyofher,thoushouldestnothaveher.
Lor.ju.Nay,IthinkitaquestionwhetherIshallhaveherforallthat.
Pros.'Sblood,thoushalthaveher,bythislight,thoushalt!
Lor.ju.Nay,donotswear.
Pros.BySt.Mark,thoushalthaveher:I'llgofetchherpresently,'pointbutwheretomeet,andbythishand,I'llbringher!
Lor.ju.Hold,hold,what,allpolicydead?nopreventionofmischiefsstirring.
Pros.Why,by—whatshallIswearby?thoushalthaveher,byraysoul.
Lor.jit.Ipraytheehavepatience,Iamsatisfied:Prospero,omitnoofferedoccasionthatmaymakemydesirescomplete,Ibeseechthee.
Pros.Iwarrantthee.[Exeunt.
ACTIV
SCEXEI.—EnterLORENZOsen.,PETO,meetingMusco.
Peto.Wasyourmanasoldier,sir?
Lor.se.Ay,aknave,Itookhimupbegginguponthewa
,
ThismorningasIwascomingtothecity.Oh!hereheis;comeon,youmakefairspeed:Why,whereinGod'snamehaveyoubeensolong?
Mus.Marry,(God'smycomfort)whereIthoughtIshouldhavehadlittlecomfortofyour
worship'sservice.
Lor.se.Howso?
Mus.OGod,sir!yourcomingtothecity,andyourentertainmentofmen,andyoursendingmetowatch;indeed,allthecircumstancesareasopentoyoursonastoyourself.
Lor.se.Howshouldthatbe?unlessthatvillainMuscoHavetoldhimoftheletter,anddiscoveredAllthatIstrictlychargedhimtoconceal?'tisso.
Mus.I'faith,youhavehitit:'tissoindeed.
Lor.se.Buthowshouldheknowtheetobemyman?
Mus.Nay,sir,Icannottell;unlessitwerebytheblackart?isnotyoursonascholar,sir?
Lor.se.Yes;butIhopehissoulisnotalliedTosuchadevilishpractice:ifitwere,Ihadjustcausetoweepmypartinhim,Andcursethetimeofhiscreation.Butwheredidstthoufindthem,Portensio?
Mus.Nay,sir,ratheryoushouldaskwheretheyfoundme?forI'llbeswornIwasgoingalonginthestreet,thinkingnothing,when(ofasudden)onecalls,SigniorLorenzo'sman:another,hecries,soldier:andthushalfadozenofthem,tilltheyhadgotmewithindoors,whereInosoonercame,butoutfliestheirrapiersandallbentagainstmybreast,theysworesometwoorthreehundredoaths,andalltotellmeIwasbutadeadman,ifIdidnotconferswhereyouwere,andhowIwasemployed,andabout\\hat;which,whentheycouldnotgetoutofme,(asGod'smyjud.ize,theyshouldhavekill'dmefirst,)theylock'dmeupintoaroominthetopofahouse,where,bygreatmiracle,(havingali*_rliiheart)Isliddownbyabottomofpackthreadintothestreet,andsoscaped;hut,master,thusmuchIcanassureyou,forIhearditwhileIwaslock'dup:therewereagreatmanymerchantsandrichciti/.cns'wiveswiththematabanquet,andyourson.SigniorL<>r</izn,has'pointedoneofthemtomeetanonatone(Job'shouse,awater-
bearer's,thatdwellsbythewall:nowthereyoushallbesuretotakehim:forfailhewillnot.
Lor.se.NorwillIfailtobreakthismatch,Idoubtnot;Well,gothoualongwithmasterDoctor'sman,Andstaythereforme;atoneCob'shouse,say'stthou?[Exit.
Mus.Ay,sir,thereyoushallhavehim:whencanyoutell?Muchwench,ormuchson:'sblood,whenhehasstay'dtherethreeorfourhours,travellingwiththeexpectationofsomewhat;andatthelengthbedeliveredofnothing:oh,thesportthatIshouldthentaketolookonhimifIdurst;butnowImeantoappearnomoreaforehiminthisshape:Ihaveanothertricktoactyet;oh,thatIweresohappyastolightuponanouncenowofthisDoctor'sclerk:Godsaveyou,sir.
Peto.Ithankyou,goodsir.
Mus.Ihavemadeyoustaysomewhatlong,sir.
Peto.Notawhit,sir,Iprayyouwhat,sir,doyoumean?youhavebeenlatelyinthewars,sir,itseems.
Mus.Ay,marryhaveI,sir.
Peto.Troth,sir,Iwouldbegladtobestowabottleofwineonyou,ifitpleaseyoutoacceptit.
Mus.0Lord,sir.
Peto.Buttohearthemannerofyourservices,andyourdevicesinthewars,theysaytheybeverystrange,andnotlikethoseamanreadsintheRomanhistories.
Mus.OGod,no,sir,why,atanytimewhenitpleaseyou,IshallbereadytodiscoursetoyouwhatIknow:andmoretoosomewhat.
Peto.Nobettertimethannow,sir,we'llgototheMermaid:thereweshallhaveacupofneatwine,Iprayyou,sir,letmerequestyou.
Mus.I'llfollowyou,sir,heismineown,i'faith.[Exeunt.
EnterBOBADILLA,LORENZOjun.,MATHEO,STEPHANO.
Mat.Signior,didyoueverseethelikeclownofhimwherewewereto-day:SigniorProsperousbrother?Ithinkthewholeearthcannotshewhislike,byJesu.
Lor.ju.Wewerenowspeakingofhim,SigniorBobadillotellsmeheisfallenfoulofyoutoo.
Mat.Ohay,sir,hethreatenedmewiththebastinado.
Bob.Ay,butIthinkItaughtyouatrickthismorningforthat.Youshallkillhimwithoutallquestion,ifyoubesominded.
Mat.Indeed,itisamostexcellenttrick.
Bob.Oh,youdonotgivespiritenoughtoyourmotion;youaretoodull,tootardy:oh,itmustbedonelikelightning,hay!
Mat.Oh,rare.
Bob.Tut,'tisnothingan'tbenotdoneina—
Lor.ju.Signior,didyouneverplaywithanyofourmastershere?
Mat.Oh,goodsir.
Bob.Nay,foramoreinstanceoftheirpreposteroushumour,therecamethreeorfourofthemtome,atagentleman'shouse,whereitwasmychancetoberesidentatthattime,tointreatmy
presenceattheirschools,andwithalsomuchimportunedme,that(IprotesttoyouasIamagentleman)Iwasashamedoftheirrudedemeanouroutofallmeasure:well,Itoldthemthattocometoapublicschooltheyshouldpardonme,itwasoppositetomyhumour,butifsotheywouldattendmeatmylodging,IprotestedtodothemwhatrightorfavourIcould,asIwasagentleman,etc.
Lor.ju.So,sir,thenyoutriedtheirskill.
Bob.Alas,soontried:youshallhear,sir,withintwoorthreedaysaftertheycame,andbyJesu,goodSignior,believeme,Igracedthemexceedingly,shewedthemsometwoorthreetricksofpreventionhathgotthemsinceadmirablecredit,theycannotdenythis;andyetnowtheyhateme,andwhy?becauseIamexcellent,andfornootherreasonontheearth.
Lor.ju.ThisisstrangeandvileaseverIheard.
Bob.Iwilltellyou,sir,uponmyfirstcomingtothecity,theyassaultedmesomethree,four,five,sixofthemtogether,asIhavewalk'daloneindiversplacesofthecity;asupontheExchange,atmylodging,andatmyordinary,whereIhavedriventhemaforemethewrholelengthofastreet,intheopenviewofallourgallants,pityingtohurtthem,believeme;yetallthislenitywillnotdepresstheirspleen;theywillbedoingwiththepismire,raisingahillamanmayspurnabroadwithhisfootatpleasure:bymysoul,Icouldhaveslainthemall,butIdelightnotinmurder:Iamlothtobearanyotherbutabastinadoforthem,andyetIholditgoodpolicynottogodisarm'd,forthoughIbeskilful,Imaybesuppressedwithmultitudes.
Lor.ju.Ay,byJesu,mayyou,sir,and(inmyconceit)ourwholenationshouldsustainthelossbyit,ifitwereso.
.606.Alas,no:what'sapeculiarmantoanation?notseen.
Lor.ju.Ay,butyourskill,sir.
Bob.Indeed,thatmightbesomeloss,butwhorespectsit?Iwilltellyou,Signior,(inprivate)Iamagentleman,andlivehereobscure,andtomyself;butwereIknowntotheDuke(observeme)Iwouldundertake(uponmyheadandlife)forthepublicbenefitofthestate,notonlytosparetheentirelivesofhissubjectsingeneral,buttosavetheonehalf,nay,threepartsofhisyearlycharges,inholdingwarsgenerallyagainstallhisenemies;andho\\willIdoit,thinkyou?
Lor.ju.Nay,Iknownot,norcanIconceive.
Bob.Marry,thus,Iwouldselectnineteenmoretomyself,throughouttheland,gentlementheyshouldbeofgoodspirit;strongandableconstitution,Iwouldchoosethembyaninstinct,atrickthatIhave,andIwouldteachthesenineteenthespecialtricks,asyourpunto,yourreverso,yourstncrato,yourimbroccato,yourpas.sado,yourmontanto,tilltheycouldallplayverynearoraltogetheraswellasmyself.Thisdone,saytheenemywerefortythousandstrong:wetwentywouldcomeintothefieldthetenthofMarch,orthereabouts,andwouldchallengetwentyoftheenemy;theycouldnotintheirhonourrefusethecombat:well,weuoiiltikilfthem:challengetwentymore,killthem;twentymore,kill
them;twentymore,killthemtoo;andthuswouldwekilleverymanhistwentyaday,that'stwentyscore;twentyscore,that'stwohundred;twohundredaday,fivedaysathousand:fortythousand;fortytimesfive,fivetimesforty,twohundreddayskillsthemall,bycomputation,andthiswillIventuremylifetoperform:providedtherebenotreasonpractiseduponus.
Lor.ju.Why,areyousosureofyourhandatalltimes?
Bob.Tut,nevermistrust,uponmysoul.
Lor.ju.Mass,IwouldnotstandinSigniorGiuliano'sstate,then,anyoumeethim,forthewealthofFlorence.
Bob.Why,Signior,byJesu,ifhewereherenow,Iwouldnotdrawmyweapononhim,letthisgentlemandohismind,butIwillbastinadohim(byheaven)aneverImeethim.
EnterGIULIANOandgoesoutagain.
Mat.Faith,andI'llhaveaflingathim.
Lor.ju.Look,yonderhegoes,Ithink.
Giu.'Sblood,whatluckhaveI,Icannotmeetwiththesebraggingrascals.
Bob.It'snothe:isit?
Lor.ju.Yes,faith,itishe.
Mat.I'llbehang'dthenifthatwerehe.
Lor.ju.BeforeGod,itwashe:youmakemeswear.
Step.Uponmysalvation,itwashe.
Bob.Well,hadIthoughtithadbeenhe,hecouldnothavegoneso,butIcannotbeinducedtobelieveitwasheyet.[EnterGiu.
Giu.Oh,gallant,haveIfoundyou?drawtoyourtools;draw,orbyGod'swillI'llthrashyou.
Bob.Signior,hearme.
Giu.Drawyourweaponsthen.
Bob.Signior,Ineverthoughtittillnow:bodyofSt.George,Ihaveawarrantofthepeaceservedonmeevennow,asIcamealong,byawater-bearer,thisgentlemansawit,SigniorMatlieo.
Giu.Thepeace!'Sblood,youwillnotdraw?
[Matheorunsaway.Hebeatshimanddisarmshim.
Lor.ju.Hold,Signior,hold,underthyfavourforbear.
Giu.Prateagainasyoulikethis,youwhoresoncowardlyrascal,you'llcontrolthepoint,you?yourconsortheisgone;hadhestaidhehadsharedwithyou,infaith.[ExitGiuliano.
Bob.Well,gentlemen,bearwitness,Iwasboundtothepeace,byJesu.
Lor.ju.Why,andthoughyouwere,sir,thelawallowsyoutodefendyourself;that'sbutapoorexcuse.
Bob.Icannottell;Ineversustainedthelikedisgrace(byheaven);sureIwasstruckwithaplanetthen,forIhadnopowertotouchmyweapon.[Exit.
Lor.ju.Ay,likeenough;Ihaveheardofmanythathavebeenbeatenunderaplanet;go,getyoutothesurgeon's,'sblood,anthesebeyourtricks,yourpassados,andyourmontantos,I'llnoneofthem:OGod,thatthisageshouldbringforthsuchcreatures!come,cousin.
Sipp.Mass,I'llhavethiscloak.
Lor.ju.God'swill:it'sGiuliano's.
Step.Nay,but'tisminenow,anothermighthaveta'cnitupaswellasI,I'llwearit,soIwill.
Lor.ju.Howanheseeit?he'llchallengeit,assureyourself.
Step.Ay,butheshallnothaveit;I'llsayIboughtit.
Lor.ju.Adviseyou,cousin,takeheedhegivenotyouasranch.
[Exeunt.EnterTHORELLO,PROSPERO,BIAXCHA,HESPERTDA.
Tho.Nowtrustme,Prospero,youweremuchtoblame,T"incenseyourbrotheranddisturbthepeaceOfmypoorhouse,fortherebesentinels,ThateveryminutewatchtogivealarmsOfcivilwar,withoutadjectionOfyourassistanceandoccasion.
Pros.Noharmdone,brother,Iwarrantyou:sin^et^oreisnoharmdone,angercostsamannothing:andatallmanisneverhisownmantillhebeangry,tokeephisvalourinobscurity,istokeephimselfasitwereinacloak-bag:what'samusicianunlessheplay?what'satallmanunlesshefight?forindeed,allthismybrotherstandsuponabsolutely,andthatmademefallinwithhimsoresolutely.
Bia.Ay,butwhatharmmighthavecomeofit?
Pros.Might?somightthegoodwarmclothesyourhusbandwearsbepoison'dforanythingheknows,orthewholesome\viuehedrunkevennowatthetable.
Tho.Now,Godforbid:0me!nowIremember,Mywifedrunktomelast;andchangedthe
cup,Andbademewearthiscursedsuitto-day,SeeifGodsuffermurderundiscover'd!Ifeelmeill;givemesomemithridate,Somemithridateandoil;goodsister,fetchme,Oh,Iamsickatheart:Iburn,Iburn;Ifyouwillsavemylife,gofetchitme.
Pros.Oh,strangehumour,myverybreathhathpoi.^on'dhim.
Hes.Goodbrother,becontent,whatdoyoumean7Thestrengthoftheseextremeconceitswillkillyou.
Bia.Beshrewyourheart-blood,brotherProspero,Forputtingsuchatoyintohishead.
Pros.Isafitsimileatoy?willhebepoison'dwithasimile?BrotherThorello,whatastrangeandvainimaginationisli.u?Forshamebewiser,onmysoulthere'snosuchmatter.
Tho.AmInotsick?howamIthennotpoison'd?AmInotpoison'd?howamIthensosick?
Bia.Ifyoubesick,yourownthoughtsmakeyousick.
Pros.Hisjealousyisthepoisonhehathtaken.EntrrMrsrolikethedoctor'*man.
Mus.SigniorThordlo,mymaster.DoctorCinnint,salutesyou,anddesirestospeakwithyou.withall-|,redpos.-iMe.
Tho.Notimebutnow?well,I'llwaituponhisworship,
Cob,I'llseekthemout,andsetthemsentinelstillIreturn.Piso,Cob,Piso.[Exit.
Pros.Musco,thisisrare,buthowgot'stthouthisappareloftheDoctor'sman?
Mus.Marry,sir.Myyouthwouldneedsbestowthewineonmetohearsomemartialdiscourse;whereIsomarshall'dhim,thatImadehimmonstrousdrunk,andbecausetoomuchheatwasthecauseofhisdistemper,Istripthimstarknakedashelayalongasleep,andborrowedhissuittodeliverthiscounterfeitmessagein,leavingarustyarmourandanoldbrownbilltowatchhimtillmyreturn:whichshallbewhenIhavepawn'dhisapparel,andspentthemoneyperhaps.
Pros.Well,thouartamadknave,Musco,hisabsencewillbeagoodsubjectformoremirth:IpraytheereturntothyyoungmasterLorenzo,andwillhimtomeetmeandHesperidaattheFriarypresently:forhere,tellhim,thehouseissostoredwithjealousy,thatthereisnoroomforlovetostanduprightin:butI'llusesuchmeanssheshallcomethither,andthatIthinkwillmeetbestwithhisdesires:Hiethee,goodMusco.
Mus.Igo,sir.[Exit.
EnterTHORELLO,tohimPiso.
Tho.Ho,Piso,Cob,wherearethesevillains,trow?Oh,artthouthere?Piso,harktheehere:MarkwhatIsaytothee,Imustgoforth;Becarefulofthypromise,keepgoodwatch,Noteeverygallantandobservehimwell,Thatentersinmyabsencetothymistress;Ifshewould
shewhimrooms,thejestisstale,Followthem,Piso,orelsehangonhim,Andlethimnotgoafter,marktheirlooks;Noteifsheofferbuttoseehisband,Oranyotheramoroustoyabouthim,Butpraisehisleg,orfoot,orifshesay,Thedayishot,andbidhimfeelherhand,Howhotitis,oh,that'samonstrousthing:Notemeallthis,sweetPiso;marktheirsighs,Andiftheydobutwhisper,breakthemoff,I'llbeartheeoutinit:wiltthoudothis?Wiltthoubetrue,sweetPiso?
Pis.Mosttrue,sir.
Tho.Thanks,gentlePiso:whereisCob?now:Cob?
[ExitThorello.
Bia.He'severcallingforCob,IwonderhowheemploysCobso.
Pros.Indeed,sister,toaskhowheemploysCobisanecessaryquestionforyouthatarehiswife,andathingnotveryeasyforyoutobesatisfiedin:butthisI'llassureyou,Cob'swifeisanexcellentbawdindeed,andoftentimesyourhusbandhauntsherhouse,marry,towhatendIcannotaltogetheraccusehim,imagineyouwhatyouthinkconvenient:butIhaveknownfairhideshavefoulheartserenow,Icantellyou.
Bia.Neversaidyoutruerthanthat,brother!Piso,fetchyourcloke,andgowithme,I'llafterhimpresently:IwouldtoChristIcouldtakehimthere,i'faith.[ExeuntPisoandBiancha.
Pros.Soletthemgo:thismaymakesportanon,now,myfairsisterHesperida:ah,thatyouknewhowhappyathingitweretobefairandbeautiful!
Hes.Thattouchethnotme,brother.
Pros.That'strue:that'seventhefaultofit,forindeedbeautystandsawomaninnostead,unlessitprocurehertouching:but,sister,whetherittouchyouorno,ittouchesyourbeauties,andIamsuretheywillabidethetouch,antheydonot,aplagueofallceruse,sayI!andittouchesmetooinpart,thoughnotinthee.Well,there'sadearandrespectedfriendofmine,sister,standsverystronglyaffectedtowardsyou,andhathvowedtoinflamewholebonfiresofzealinhisheart,inhonourofyourperfections.IhavealreadyengagedmypromisetobringyouwhereyoushallhearhimconfirmmuchmorethanIamabletolaydownforhim:SigniorLorenzoistheman:whatsayyou,sister;shallIintreatsomuchfavourofyouformyfriend,astodirectandattendyoutohismeeting?uponmysoul,helovesyouextremely,approveit,sweetHesperida,willyou?
Hes.Faith,Ihadverylittleconfidenceinmineownconstancy,ifIdurstnotmeetaman:but,brotherProspero,thismotionofyourssavoursofanoldknightadventurer'sservant,methinks.
Pros.What'sthat,sister?
Hes.Marry,ofthesquire.
Pros.Nomatter,Hesperida,ifitdid,Iwouldbesuchanoneformyfriend,butsay,willyougo
?
Hes.Brother,Iwill,andblessmyhappystars.EnterCLEMENTandTHORELLO.
Clem.Why,wha.tvillainyisthis?mymangoneonafaN>message,andrunawaywhenhehasdone,why,whattrickisthereinit,trow?1,2,3,4,and5.
Tho.How!ismywifegoneforth,whereisshe,sister?
Hes.She'sgoneabroadwithPiso.
Tho.AbroadwithPiso?Oh,thatvillaindorsme,Hehathdiscoveredalluntomywife,BeastthatIwastotrusthim:whitherwentshe?
Hes.Iknownot,sir.
Pros.I'lltellyou,brother,whitherIsuspectshe's£<>no.
Tho.Whither,forGod'ssake?
I'rns.ToCob'shouse,Ibelieve:butkeepmycounsel.
Tho.Iwill,Iwill,toCob'shouse?d.ithshehaunt('nf/s?She'sgoneapurposenowtocuckoldme,Withthatlewdrascal,whotowinherfavour,Hathtoldherall.[/:/•//.
Clem.Butdidyourmistressseemymanbringhimamessage?
Pros.Thatwedid,masterl>»«-t.>r.
Clem.Andwhitherwenttheknave?
Pros.Tothetavern,Ithink,sir.
Clem.What,didThorellogivehimanythingtospendforthemessagehebroughthim?ifhedidIshouldcommendmyman'switexceedinglyifhewouldmakehimselfdrunkwiththejoyofit,farewell,lady,keepgoodrule,youtwo,Ibeseechyounow:byGod's—;marry,mymanmakesmelaugh.[Exit.
Pros.Whatamaddoctoristhis!come,sister,let'saway.
[Exeunt.EnterMATHEOandBOBADILLA.
Mat.Iwonder,Signior,whattheywillsayofmygoingaway,ha?
Bob.Why,whatshouldtheysay?butasofadiscreetgentleman.Quick,wary,respectfulofnatures,Fairlineaments,andthat'sall.
Mat.Whyso,butwhatcantheysayofyourbeating?
Bob.Arudepart,atouchwithsoftwood,akindofgrossbatteryused,laidonstrongly:borne
mostpatiently,andthat'sall.
Mat.Ay,butwouldanymanhaveoffereditinVenice?
Bob.Tut,Iassureyouno:youshallhavethereyourNobilis,yourGentilezza,comeinbravelyuponyourreverse,standyouclose,standyoufirm,standyoufair,saveyourretricatowithhisleftleg,cometotheassaultowiththeright,thrustwithbravesteel,defyyourbasewood.ButwhereforedoIawakethisremembrance?Iwasbewitch'd,byJesu:butIwillberevenged.
Mat.Doyouhear,is'tnotbesttogetawarrantandhavehimarrested,andbroughtbeforeDoctorClement?
Bob.Itwerenotamiss,wouldwehadit.[EnterMusco.
Mat.Why,herecomeshisman,let'sspeaktohim.
Bob.Agreed,doyouspeak.
Mat.Godsaveyou,sir.
Mus.Withallmyheart,sir.
Mat.Sir,thereisoneGiulianohathabusedthisgentlemanandme,andwedeterminetomakeouramendsbylaw,nowifyouwoulddousthefavourtoprocureusawarrant,forhisarrest,ofyourmaster,youshallbewellconsidered,Iassurei'faith,sir.
Mus.Sir,youknowmyserviceismyliving,suchfavoursasthesegottenofmymasterishisonlypreferment,andthereforeyoumustconsidermeasImaymakebenefitofmyplace.
Mat.Howisthat?
Mus.Faith,sir,thethingisextraordinary,andthegentlemanmaybeofgreataccount:yetbewhathewill,ifyouwilllaymedownfivecrownsinmyhand,youshallhaveit,otherwisenot.
Mat.Howshallwedo,Signior?youhavenomoney.
Bob.Notacross,byJesu.
Mat.NorI,beforeGod,buttwopence,leftofmytwoshillingsinthemorningforwineandcakes,let'sgivehimsomepawn.
Bob.Pawn?wehavenonetothevalueofhisdemand.
Mat.OLord,man,I'llpawnthisjewelinmyear,andyoumaypawnyoursilkstockings,andpullupyourboots,theywillne'erbemist.
Bob.Well,antherebenoremedy,I'llstepasideandputthemoff.
Mat.Doyouhear,sir?wehavenostoreofmoneyatthis
butyoushallhavegoodpawns,lookyou,sir,thisjewelandthisgentleman'ssilkstockings,becausewewouldhaveitdispatch'derewewenttoourchambers.
Mus.Iamcontent,sir,Iwillgetyouthewarrantpresently.What'shisname,sayyou,Giuliano?
Mat.Ay,ay,Giuliano.
Mus.Whatmannerofmanishe?
Mat.Atall,bigman,sir;hegoesinacloakmostcommonlyofsilkrusset,laidaboutwithrussetlace.
Mvs.'Tisverygood,sir.
Mat.Here,sir,here'smyjewel.
Bob.Andherearestockings.
Mus.Well,gentlemen,I'llprocurethiswarrantpresently,andappointyouavarietofthecitytoserveit,ifyou'llbeupontheRealtoanon,thevarietshallmeetyouthere.
Mat.Verygood,sir,Iwishnobetter.[ExeuntBoba.andMat.
Mus.Thisisrare,nowwillIgopawnthiscloakofthedoctor'sman'satthebroker'sforavarlet'ssuit,andbethevarietmyself,andgeteithermorepawns,ormoremoneyofGiulianoformyarrecc.[Exit.
ACTV
SCEXEI.—EnterLORENZOsenior.
Lor.se.Oh,hereitis,IamgladIhavefounditnow.Ho!whoiswithinhere?[EnterTIB.
Tib.Iamwithin,sir,what'syourpleasure?
Lor.se.Toknowwhoiswithinbesidesyourself.
Tib.Why,sir,youarenoconstable,Ihope?
Lor.se.Oh,fearyoutheconstable?thenIdoubtnot,Youhavesomeguestswithindeservethatfear;I'llfetohhimstraight.
Tib.O'God'sname,sir.
Lor.se.Goto,tellmeisnottheyoungLorenzohere?
Tib.YoungLorenzo,Isawnonesuch,sir,ofminehonesty.
Lor.se.Goto,yourhonestyfliestoolightlyfromyou:There'snowaybutfetchtheconstable.
Tib.Theconstable,themanismad,Ithink.[Clapstothedoor.
EnterPisoandBIANCHA.
Piso.Ho,whokeepshousehere?
Lor.se.Oh,thisisthefemalecopes-mateofmyson.NowshallImeethimstraight.
Bin.Knock,Piso,praythee.
Pi*.Ho,goodwife.[EnterTIB.
Tib.Why,what'sthematterwithyou?
Bia.Why,woman,grievesityoutoopeyourdoor?Belikeyougetsomethingtokeepitshut.
Tib.Whatmeanthesequestions,prayye?
Bia.Sostrangeyoumakeit!isnotThorello,mytriedhusband,here?
Lor.se.Herhusband?
Tib.Ihopeheneedsnotbetriedhere.
Bia.No,dame:hedothitnotforneedbutpleasure.
Tib.Neitherforneednorpleasureishehere.
Lor.se.Thisisbutadevicetobalkmewithal;Soft,who'sthis?[EnterTHORELLO.
Bia.Oh,sir,haveIforestall'dyourhonestmarket?Foundyourclosewalks?youstandamazednow,doyou?I'faith(Iamglad)Ihavesmokedyouyetatlast;What'syourjewel,trow?In:come,let'sseeher;Fetchforthyourhousewife,dame;ifshebefairerInanyhonestjudgmentthanmyself,I'llbecontentwithit:butsheischange,Shefeedsyoufat;shesoothesyourappetite,Andyouarewell:yourwife,anhonestwoman,Ismeattwicesodtoyou,sir;Oh,youtreachour.
Lor.se.Shecannotcounterfeitthispalpably.
Tho.Outonthee,morethanstrumpet'simpudency,Steal'stthouthustothyhaunts?andhaveItakenThybawdandthee,andthycompanion,Thishoary-headedletcher,thisoldgoat,Closeatyourvillainy,andwould'stthou'scuseit,Withthisstaleharlot'sjest,accusingme?Oh,oldincontinent,dostthounotshame,Whenallthypowersinchastityarespent,Tohaveamindsohot?andtoenticeAndfeedtheenticementsofalustfulwoman?
Bia.Out,Idefythee,I,dissemblingwretch!
Tho.Defyme,strumpet?askthypanderhere,Canhedenyit?orthatwickedelder.
Lor.se.Why,hearyou,Signior?
Tho.Tut,tut,neverspeak,Thyguiltyconsciencewilldiscoverthee.
Lor.se.Whatlunacyisthisthathauntsthisman?[EnterGiu.
Giu.Oh,sister,didyouseemycloak?
Bia.NotI,Iseenone.
Giu.God'slife,Ihavelostitthen,sawyouHesperida?
TJw.Hesperida?isshenotathome?
Giu.No,sheisgoneabroad,andnobodycantellmeofitathome.[Exit.
Tho.Oheaven!abroad?whatlight!aharlottoo!Why?why?harkyou,hathshe,hathshenotabrother?Abrother'shousetokeep,tolookunto?Butshemustflingabroad,mywifehathspoil'dher,Shetakesrightafterher,shedoes,shedoes,
Well,yougoodybawdand—[EnterCOB.
Thatmakeyourhusbandsuchahoddy-dodcly;Andyou,youngapplesquire,andoldcuckold-maker,I'llhaveyoueveryonebeforetheDoctor,Nay,youshallanswerit,Ichargeyougo.
Lor.se.Marry,withallmyheart,I'llgowillingly:howhaveIwrong'dmyselfincominghere.
Bia.Gowiththee?I'llgowiththeetothyshame,Iwarrantthee.
Cob.Why,what'sthematter?what'sheretodo?
Tho.What,Cob,artthouhere?oh,Iamabused,Andinthyhouse,wasnevermansowrong'd.
Cob.'Slid,inmyhouse?whowrong'dyouinmyhouse?
Tho.Marry,younglustinold,andoldinyounghere,Thywife'stheirbawd,herehaveItakenthem.
Cob.Doyouhear?didInotchargeyoukeepyourdoorsshuthere,anddoyouletthemlieopenforallcomers,doyouscratch?
[Cobbeatshisu'ifr.
Lor.se.Friend,havepatience;ifshehavedonewronginthis,letheransweritaforetheMagistrate.
Cob.Ay,come,youshallgoaforetheDoctor.
Tib.Nay,Iwillgo,I'llseeanyoumaybeallowedtobeatyourpoorwifethusatevery
cuckoldlyknave'spleasure,thedevilandthepoxtakeyouallforme:whydoyounotgonow?
Tho.Abitterquean,come,we'llhaveyoutamed.[Exeunt.
EnterMuscoalone.
Mus.Well,ofallmydisguisesyet,nowamImostlikemyself,beinginthisvarlet'ssuit,amanofmypresentprofessionnevercounterfeitstillhelayholduponadebtor,andsaysherestshim,forthenhebringshimtoallmannerofunrest.Akindoflittlekingsweare,bearingthediminutiveofamace,madelikeayoungartichoke,thatalwayscarriespepperandsaltinitself,well,1knownotwhatdangerIundergobythisexploit,prayGodIcomewelloff.[EnterBOBADILLAandMATIIEO.
Mat.See,Ithinkyonderisthevarlet.
Bob.Let'sgoinquestofhim.
Mat.Godsaveyou,friend,arenotyouherebytheappointmentofDoctorClement'sman?
Mus.Yes,an'tpleaseyou,sir;hetoldmetwogentlemenhaduill'dhimtoprocureanarrestupononeSigniorGiulianobyawarrantfromhismaster,whichIhaveaboutme.
Mat.Itishonestlydoneofyouboth;andseewherehecomesyoumustarrest;uponhim,forGod'ssake,beforehebe'ware.
Bob.Bearback,MatheoI\h'ufrrSTKI-HA.VO.
Mus.SigniorGiuliano,Iarrestyou,sir,intheDuke'sname.
Step.SigniorGiuliano!amISigniorGiuliano?IamoneSiirniorStephano,Itellyou,andyoudonotwell,byGod'slid,toarrestme,Itellyoutruly;Iamnotinyourmaster'sbook-,Iwouldyoushouldwellknow;ay,andaplagueofGodonyouformakingmeafraidthus.
.l/'/v.Why,howareyoudeceived,gentlemen?
Bob.Hewearssuchacloak,andthatdeceivedus,Butsee,hereacomes,officer,thisishe.[l-^il^r(iinr\\o.
Giu.Why,hownow,signiorgull:areyouaturn'dlilrheroflate?come,delivermycloak.
Step.Yourcloak,sir?Iboughtitevennowinthemarket.
Mus.SigniorGiuliano,Imustarrestyou,sir.
Giu.Arrestme,sir,atwhosesuit?
Mus.Atthesetwogentlemen's.
Giu.Iobeythee,varlet;butforthesevillains—
Mus.Keepthepeace,Ichargeyou,sir,intheDuke'sname,sir.
Giu.What'sthematter,varlet?
Mus.YoumustgobeforemasterDoctorClement,sir,toanswerwhatthesegentlemenwillobjectagainstyou,harkyou,sir,Iwilluseyoukindly.
Mat.We'llbeevenwithyou,sir,come,SigniorBobadilla,we'llgobeforeandpreparetheDoctor:varlet,looktohim.
[ExeuntBobadillaandMatheo.
Bob.Thevarletisatallman,byJesu.
Giu.Away,yourascals,Signior,Ishallhavemycloak.
Step.Yourcloak?Isayonceagain,Iboughtit,andI'llkeepit.
Giu.Youwillkeepit?
Step.Ay,thatIwill.
Giu.Varlet,stay,here'sthyfee,arresthim.
Mus.SigniorStephano,Iarrestyou.
Step.Arrestme!there,takeyourcloak:I'llnoneofit.
Giu.Nay,thatshallnotserveyourturn,varlet,bringhimaway,I'llgowiththeenowtotheDoctor's,andcarryhimalong.
Step.Why,isnothereyourcloak?whatwouldyouhave?
Giu.Icarenotforthat.
Mus.Iprayyou,sir.
Giu.Nevertalkofit;Iwillhavehimanswerit.
Mus.Well,sir,thenI'llleaveyou,I'lltakethisgentleman'swordforhisappearance,asIhavedoneyours.
Giu.Tut,I'llhavenowordstaken,bringhimalongtoanswerit.
Mus.Goodsir,Ipitythegentleman'scase,here'syourmoneyagain.
Giu.God'sbread,tellnotmeofmymoney,bringhimaway,Isay.
Mus.Iwarrantyou,hewillgowithyouofhimself.
Giu.Yetmoreado?
Mii£.Ihavemadeafairmashofit.
Step.MustIgo?[Exeunt.
EnterDoctorCLEMENT,THORELLO,LOREXZOsenior,BIAKCHA,Piso,TIB,aServantortwooftheDoctor's.
Clem.Nay,butstay,stay,givemeleave;mychair,sirrah;you,SigniorLorenzo,sayyouwentthithertomeetyourson.
Lor.se.Ay,sir.
Clem.Butwhodirectedyouthither?
Lor.se.Thatdidmyman,sir.
Clem.Whereishe?
Lor.se.Nay,Iknownotnow,Ilefthimwithyourclerk,Andappointedhimtostayhereforme.
Clem.Aboutwhattimewasthis?
Lor.se.Marry,betweenoneandtwo,asItakeit.
Clem.So,whattimecamemymanwiththemessagetoyou,SigniorThorello?
Tho.Aftertwo,sir.
Clem.Verygood,but,lady,howthatyouwereatCob's,ha?
Bia.An'tpleaseyou,sir,I'lltellyou:mybrotherProsperotoldmethatCob'shousewasasuspectedplace.
Clem.Soitappears,methinks;buton.
Bia.Andthatmyhusbandusedthitherdaily.
Clem.Nomatter,soheusehimselfwell.
Bia.True,sir,butyouknowwhatgrowsbysuchhauntsoftentimes.
Clem.Ay,rankfruitsofajealousbrain,lady:butdidyoufindyourhusbandthereinthatcase,asyoususpected?
Tho.Ifoundherthere,sir.
Clem.Didyouso?thataltersthecase;whogaveyouknowledgeofyourwife'sbeingthere?
Tho.Marry,thatdidmybrotherProspero.
Clem.How,Prosperofirsttellher,thentellyouafter?WhereisProspero?
Tho.Gonewithmysister,sir,Iknownotwhither.
Clem.Why,thisisameretrick,adevice;youaregulledinthismostgrossly:alas,poorwench,wertthoubeatenforthis?hownow,sirrah,what'sthematter?[EnteroneoftheDoctor'smen.
Ser.Sir,there'sagentlemaninthecourtwithoutdesirestospeakwithyourworship.
Clem.Agentleman?what'she?
Ser.Asoldier,sir,hesayeth.
Clem.Asoldier?fetchmemyarmour,mysword,quickly;asoldierspeakwithme,why,when,knaves?—comeon,comeon,holdmycapthere,so;givememygorget,mysword;standby,Iwillendyourmattersanon;letthesoldierenter,now,sir,whathaveyoutosaytome?[EnterBOBADILLAandMATHEO.
Bob.Byyourworship'sfavour.
Clem.Nay,keepout,sir,Iknownotyourpretence,yousendmeword,sir,youareasoldier,why,sir,youshallbeansweredhere,herebethemhavebeenamongstsoldiers.Sir,yourpleasure.
Bob.Faith,sir,soitis:thisgentlemanandmyselfhavebeenmostviolentlywrongedbyoneSigniorGiuliano:agallantofthecityhere;andformyownpart,Iprotest,beingamaninnosortgiventothisfilthyhumourofquarrelling,hehathassaultedmeinthewayofmypeace,despoiledmeofminehonour,disarmedmeofmyweapons,andbeatenmeintheopenstreets:when1notsomuohasonceofferedtoresisthim.
Clem.Oh,God'sprecious,isthisthesoldier?hero,takemyarmourquickly,'twillmakehimswoon,IfY-ur;lieisnutlittolookon'tthatwillputupablow.\KntrrServant.
Mat.An'tpleasevourworship,howa^boundtothepeace.
('!<in.\Vhv,anhewere,sir,hishandswerenotbound,werethey?
Ser.Thereisoneofthevarletsofthecityhasbroughttwogentlemenhereuponarrest,sir.
Clem.Bidhimcomein,setbythepicture.
EnterMTJSCOwithGIULIANOandSTEPHANO.
Now,sir,what!SigniorGiuliano?is'tyouthatarearrestedatsigniorfreshwater'ssuithere?
Giu.I'faith,masterDoctor,andhere'sanotherbroughtatmysuit.
Clem.Whatareyou,sir?
Step.Agentleman,sir;oh,uncle?
Clem.Uncle?who,Lorenzo?
Lor.se.Ay,sir.
Step.God'smywitness,myuncle,Iamwrong'dheremonstrously;hechargethmewithstealingofhiscloak,andwouldImightneverstir,ifIdidnotfinditinthestreetbychance.
Giu.Oh,didyoufinditnow?yousaidyouboughtiterewhile.
Step.AndyousaidIstoleit,nay,nowmyuncleishereIcarenot.
Clem.Well,letthisbreatheawhile;youthathavecausetocomplainthere,standforth;hadyouawarrantforthisarrest?
Bob.Ay,an'tpleaseyourworship.
Clem.Nay,donotspeakinpassionso,wherehadyouit?
Bob.Ofyourclerk,sir.
Clem.That'swell,anmyclerkcanmakewarrants,andmyhandnotatthem;whereisthewarrant?varlet,haveyouit?
Mus.No,sir,yourworship'smanbidmedoitforthesegentlemen,andhewouldbemydischarge.
Clem.Why,SigniorGiuliano,areyousuchanovicetobearrestedandneverseethewarrant?
Giu.Why,sir,hedidnotarrestme.
Clem.No?howthen?
Giu.Marry,sir,hecametomeandsaidhemustarrestme,andhewouldusemekindly,andsoforth.
Clem.Oh,God'spity,wasitso,sir?hemustarrestyou.Givememylongswordthere;helpmeoff,so;comeon,sirvarlet,Imustcutoffyourlegs,sirrah;nay,standup,I'lluseyoukindly;Imustcutoffyourlegs,Isay.
Mus.Oh,goodsir,Ibeseechyou,nay,goodmasterDoctor.Oh,goodsir.
Clem.Imustdoit;thereisnoremedy;Imustcutoffyourlegs,sirrah.Imustcutoffyourears,yourascal,Imustdoit;Imustcutoffyournose,Imustcutoffyourhead.
Mus.Oh,forGod'ssake,goodmasterDoctor.
Clem.Well,rise;howdostthounow?dostthoufeelthyselfwell?hastthounoharm?
Mus.No,IthankGod,sir,andyourgoodworship.
Clem.Whyso?IsaidImustcutoffthylegs,andImustcutoffthyarms,andImustcutoffthyhead;butIdidnotdoitso:yousaidyoumustarrestthisgentleman,butyoudidnotarresthim,youknave,youslave,yourogue,doyousayyoumustarrest^
sirrah?awaywithhimtothejail,I'llteachyouatrickforyourmust.
Mus.GoodmasterDoctor,Ibeseechyoubegoodtome.
Clem.Marryo'God:awaywithhim,Isay.
Mus.Nay,'sblood,beforeIgotoprison,I'llputonmyoldbrazenface,anddisclaiminmyvocation:I'lldiscover,that'sflat,anIbecommitted,itshallbeforthecommittingofmorevillainiesthanthis,hangmeanIlosetheleastgrainofmyfame.
Clem.Why?when,knave?byGod'smarry,I'llclaptheebytheheelstoo.
Mus.Hold,hold,Iprayyou.
Clem.What'sthematter?staythere.
Mus.Faith,sir,aforeIgotothishouseofbondage,Ihaveacasetounfoldtoyourworship:which(thatitmayappearmoreplainuntoyourworship'sview)Idothusfirstofalluncase,andappearinmineownpropernature,servanttothisgentleman:andknownbythenameofMusco.
Lor.se.Ha,Musco!
Step.Oh,uncle,MuscohasbeenwithmycousinandIallthisday.
Clem.DidnotItellyoutherewassomedevice?
Mus.Nay,goodmasterDoctor,sinceIhavelaidmyselfthusopentoyourworship,nowstandstrongforme,tilltheprogressofmytalebeended,andthenifmywitdonotdeserveyourcountenance,'slight,throwitonadog,andletmegohangmyself.
Clem.Bodyofme,amerryknave,givemeabowlofsack,SigniorLorenzo,Ibespeakyourpatienceinparticular,marry,yourearsingeneral,here,knave,DoctorClementdrinkstothee.
Mus.IpledgemasterDoctoran'twereaseatothebottom.
Clem.Fillhisbowlforthat,fillhisbowl:so,nowspeakfreely.
Mus.Indeed,thisisitwillmakeamanspeakfreely.Buttothepoint,knowthenthatI,Musco,(beingsomewhatmoretrustedofmymasterthanreasonrequired,andknowinghisintenttoFlorence,)didassumethehabitofapoorsoldierinwants,andmindingbysomemeanstointercepthisjourneyinthemidway,'twixtthegrangeandthecity,Iencounteredhim,wherebeggingofhiminthemostaccomplishedandtruegarb,(astheytermit)contrarytoallexpectation,hereclaimedmefromthatbadcourseoflife;entertainedmeintohisservice,employedmeinhisbusiness,possestmewithhissecrets,whichInosoonerhadreceived,but(seekingmyyoungmaster,andfindinghimatthisgentleman'shouse)Irevealedallmostamply:thisdone,bythedeviceofSigniorProsperoandhimtogether,Ireturned(astheravendidtotheark)tomineoldmasteragain,toldhimheshouldfindhiss<minwhatmannerheknows,atoneCW/.shouse,whereindeedhenevermeanttocome;nowmymaster,hetomaintainthejest.wentthither,andleftmewithyourworship'sclerk,who,beingofamostfinesuppledisposition,(asmostofyourclerksare)pmlTersmethewine,whichIhadthegracetoacceptveryeasily,andtothetavernwewent:thereaftermuchceremony,Imadehimdrunkinkindness,stripthimtohisshirt,andleavinghiminthatco,,l
vein,departed,frolick,courtier-like,havingobtainedasuit:whichsuitfittingmeexceedinglywell,Iputon,andusurpingyourman'sphraseandaction,carriedamessagetoSigniorThorelloinyourname;whichmessagewasmerelydevisedbuttoprocurehisabsence,whileSigniorProsperomightmakeaconveyanceofHesperidatomymaster.
Clem.Stay,fillmethebowlagain,here;'twerepityofhislifewouldnotcherishsuchaspirit:Idrinktothee,fillhimwine,why,nowdoyouperceivethetrickofit?
Tho.Ay,ay,perceivewellwewereallabused.
Lor.se.Well,whatremedy?
Clem.WhereisLorenzoandProspero,canstthoutell?
Mus.Ay,sir,theyareatsupperattheMermaid,whereIleftyourman.
Clem.Sirrah,gowarnthemhitherpresentlybeforeme,andifthehourofyourfellow'sresurrectionbecome,bringhimtoo.Butforward,forward,whenthouhastbeenatThorello's.[ExitServant.
Mus.Marry,sir,comingalongthestreet,thesetwogentlemenmeetme,andverystronglysupposingmetobeyourworship'sscribe,entreatedmetoprocurethemawarrantforthearrestofSiguiorGiuliano,Ipromisedthem,uponsomepairofsilkstockingsorajewel,orso,todoit,andtogetavarletofthecitytoserveit,whichvarletIappointedshouldmeetthemupontheRealtoatsuchanhour,theynosoonergone,butI,inamerehopeofmoregainbySigniorGiuliano,wenttooneofSatan'soldingles,abroker,andtherepawnedyourman'sliveryforavarlet'ssuit,whichhere,withmyself,Iofferuntoyourworship'sconsideration.
Clem.Well,givemethyhand;Proh.superiingeniummagnumquisnoscitHomerum.Illiasceternumsilatuissetopus?Iadmirethee,Ihonourthee,andifthymasteroranymanherebeangrywiththee,IshallsuspecthiswitwhileIknowhimforit:doyouhear,SigniorThorello,SigniorLorenzo,andtherestofmygoodfriends,Iprayyouletmehavepeacewhen
theycome,IhavesentforthetwogallantsandHesperida,God'smarry,Imusthaveyou,friends,hownow?whatnoiseisthere?
EnterServant,thenPETO.
Ser.Sir,itisPetoiscomehome.
Clem.Peto,bringhimhither,bringhimhither,what,hownow,signiordrunkard,inarmsagainstme,ha?yourreason,yourreasonforthis.
Pet.Ibeseechyourworshiptopardonme.
Clem.Well,sirrah,tellhimIdopardonhim.
Pet.Truly,sir,Ididhappenintobadcompanybychance,andtheycastmeinasleepandstriptmeofallmyclothes.
Clem.Tut,thisisnottothepurposetouchingyourarmour,whatmightyourarmoursignify?
Pet.Marry,sir,ithungintheroomwheretheystriptme,andIborroweditofoneofthedrawers,nowintheevening,tocomehome-in,becauseIwaslothtocomethroughthestreetinmyshirt.
EnterLORENZOjunior,PROSPERO,HESPERIDA.
Clem.Well,disarmhim,butit'snomatter,lethimstandby:whobethese?oh,younggallants;welcome,welcome,andyou,lady,nay,neverscattersuchamazedlooksamongstus,Quinilpotestsperaredesperetnihil.
Pros.Faith,masterDoctor,that'sevenI,myhopesaresmall,andmydespairshallbeaslittle.Brother,sister,brother,what,cloudy,cloudy?andwillnosunshineontheselooksappear?well,sincethereissuchatempesttoward,I'llbetheporpoise,I'lldance:wench,beofgoodcheer,thouhastacloakfortherainyet,whereishe?'Sheart,hownow,thepictureoftheprodigal,goto,I'llhavethecalfdrestforyouatmycharges.
Lor.se.Well,sonLorenzo,thisday'sworkofyourshathmuchdeceivedmyhopes,troubledmypeace,andstretch'dmypatiencefurtherthanbecamethespiritofduty.
Clem.Nay,God'spity,SigniorLorenzo,youshallurgeitnomore:come,sinceyouarehere,I'llhavethedisposingofall,butfirst,SigniorGiuliano,atmyrequesttakeyourcloakagain.
Giu.Well,sir,Iamcontent.
Clem.Stay,nowletmesee,oh,signiorsnow-liver,Ihadalmostforgottenhim,andyourGeniusthere,what,dothhesufferforagoodconsciencetoo?dothhebearhiscrosswithpatience?
Mus.Nay,theyhavescarceonecrossbetweenthembothtobear.
Clem.Why,dostthouknowhim?whatishe?whatishe?
Mus.Marry,searchhispocket,sir,andhe'llshewyouheisanauthor,sir.
Clem.Diemihimusavirum:areyouanauthor,sir?jrivemeleavealittle,comeon,sir,I'llmakeverseswithyounowinhonourofthegodsandthegoddessesforwhatyoudareextempore;andnowIbegin.
MounttheemyPhlegonmuse,andtestify,
HowSaturnsittinginaneboncloud,Disrobedhispodex,whiteasivory,
Andthroughthewelkinthunderedallaloud.There'sforyou,sir.
Pros.Oh,hewritesnotinthatheightofstyle.
Clem.No:we'llcomeasteportwolowerthen.FromCatadupaandthebanksofXile,Whereonlybreedsyourmonstrouscrocodile,Nowarewepurposedfortofetchourstyle.
Pros.Oh,toofar-fetch'dforhimstill,masterDoctor.
Clem.Ay,sayyouso?let'sintreatasL'htofhisveinthen.
Pros.Signior,masterDoctordesirestoseeasightofyourvrin,nay,youmustnotdenyhim.
Clem.What,allthisverse,bodyofme,hocarriesa\\holrrealm;acommonwealthofpaperinhishose,let'ssci-sonicofhissubjects.
Untotheboundlessoceanofthybeauty.
Runsthispoorriver,chargedwithstreamsofz>-<i!.
Returningtlieethetributeofmyduty:
Whichheremyyouth,myplaints,mylovereveal.Good!isthisyourowninvention?
Mat.Xo,sir,Itranslatedthatoutofabook,calledDelia.
Clem.Oh,butIwouldseesomeofyourown,someofyourown.
Mat.Sir.here'sthebeginningofasonnetImadetomymistress.
Clem.That,that:who?toMadonnaHesperida,issheyourmistress?
Pros.Itpleasethhimtocallherso,sir.
Clem.Insummertime,whenPhcebus'goldenrays.Youtranslatedthistoo,didyounot?
Pros.Xo,thisisinvention;hefounditinaballad.
Mat.Faith,sir,Ihadmostoftheconceitofitoutofaballadindeed.
Clem.Conceit,fetchmeacoupleoftorches,sirrah,Imayseetheconceit:quickly1it'sverydark!
Giu.Callyouthispoetry?
Lor.ju.Poetry?nay,thencallblasphemy,religion;Calldevils,angels;andsin,piety:Letallthingsbepreposterouslytranschanged.
Lor.se.Why,hownow,son!what,areyoustartlednow?Haththebrizeprick'dyou,ha?goto;youseeHowabjectlyyourpoetryisrank'dingeneralopinion.
Lor.ju,.Opinion,0God,letgrossopinionsinkandbedamn'dAsdeepasBarathrum,
Ifitmaystandwithyourmostwish'dcontent,IcanrefellopinionandapproveThestateofpoesy,suchasitis,Blessed,eternal,andmosttruedivine:Indeed,ifyouwilllookonPoesyAssheappearsinmany,poorandlame.Patch'dupinremnantsandoldwornrags,Halfstarvedforwantofherpeculiarfood:Sacredinvention,thenImustconfirmBothyourconceitandcensureofhermerit,Butviewherinhergloriousornaments,Attiredinthemajestyofart,Sethighinspirit,withtheprecioustasteOfsweetphilosophy,andwhichismost,Crown'dwiththerichtraditionsofasoulThathatestohaveherdignityprofanedWithanyrelishofanearthlythought:Oh,thenhowproudapresencedothshebear.Thenisshelikeherself,fittobeseenOfnonebutgraveandconsecratedeyes:Xorisitanyblemishtoherfame,Thatsuchlean,ignorant,andblastedwits.Suchbrainlessgulls,shoulduttertheirstol'nwaresWithsuchapplausesinourvulgarears:Orthattheirslubber'dlineshavecurrentpass
Fromthefatjudgmentsofthemultitude,Butthatthisbarrenandinfectedage
lid-Knodifference'twixtthese^raptyspr/»Andatruepoet:thanwhichreverendnameNothingcanmoreadornhuman.[Entf-r!/•///»ir,r^>
CUm.Ay,L/jrinzfj,butelectionisnowgovernedaltogetherbytheinfluenceofhumour,which,insteadofthoseholyflamesrshoulddirectandlightthesoultoeternity,hurlsforthnothingbutsmokeandcon;:-vapours,thatstifleherup,andbereaveher
ofallsightandmotion.Butshemusth:eofhdltbort:given
hertopur./ructions:oh,that'swellsaid,giveme
thvtorch,come,laythisstufftogether.So,givefire!there,-
howourpoet'sgloryshinesbrighterandbrig:/•;!!,stillitincreaseth,oh,nowit'satthehighest,andnowitdeclinesasfast:youEQ-:_•Dante,tictransitgloriarnundi.Wellnow,mytwo
signioroutsio-.---indforth,andlendmeyourlargeears,toa-entence,toasentence:first,you,Signior,shallthisnighttothe'•age,andsoshallyou,sir,fromthenceto-morrow
morning,you,Signior,shallbecarriedtothemarketcross,andbetherebound;andsoshallyou,sir,inalargemotleycoat,witharodatyourgirdle;andyouinanoldsuitofsackcloth,andtheafyour
papers(saveth*r.rrah)shallmournallday,andatnight
bothtogethersingsomeballadofrepentancevery:.which
youshallmaketothetuneofWhoIvAtfjl*adanda-'*life.
Sirrahbill-man,embraceyouthistorch,andlightthegentleme:theirlodgings,andbecausewetendertheirsafety,youshallwatchthemto-night,youareprovidedforthepurpose,away,andlooktoyourchargewithanopeneye,sirrah.
Bdb.Well,Iamarm'dinsoulagttheworstoffortune.
Mat.Faith,soshouldIbe,anIhadsleptonit.
P(A.Iamarm'dtoo.butIamnotliketosleeponit.
M'us.Oh,howthispleasethme.nt.
dim.Now,SigniorThortlh,Giuiiano,Pro>i.
:>.Andnotme,sir.
Clem.Yes,andyou.sir:IhadI^-Ta-nhehadnotb!
Imusthaveyouallfriends:butfirstawordwithyou,gallant,andyou,lady.
•/..Well,brotherProapero,K-ythisg<-.odlightthai-her".
Iamlothtokindlefresh.butanyouhadcomeinmywalk
withinthesetwohoursIhadgivenyouthatyoushouldnothaveflawedoffagaininbI0te,l'loneit.Iamthea:
_•iethateverbreathedelse,butnowbeshrewmyheaitifI.ouanymaliceint:"h.
Frr,*.Faith,Ididitbuttoholdupajest,andhr-lpnv.rto
ahusband,but,brother7the
jea!%bothof•
uponyourangersomu<h.l'-t"sallbesmoothIneeagain.
Th'.r.Hf-playsuj>'-nn.•!,brotherGiul
tellmeonethin^'I-i:IBmyforeheadanythingrou_
thanitwaswontto^•
Gin.K._•'.er?yourforeh'n.
Tho.Whyshouldhethensay,besmoothforeheaded,Unlesshejestedatthesmoothnessofit?Andthatmaybe,forhornisverysmooth;Soaremybrows,byJesu,smoothashorn!
Bid.Brother,hadhenohauntthither,ingoodfaith?
Pros.No,uponmysoul.
Bia.Nay,then,sweet-heart:nay,Ipraythee,benotangry,goodfaith,I'llneversuspecttheeanymore,nay,kissme,sweetmuss.
Tho.Tellme,Biancha,donotyouplaythewomanwithme.
Bia.What'sthat,sweet-heart?
Tho.Dissemble.
Bia.Dissemble?
Tho.Nay,donotturnaway:butsayi'faithwasitnotamatchappointed'twixtthisoldgentlemanandyou?
Bia.Amatch?
Tho.Nay,ifitwerenot,Idonotcare:donotweep,Ipraythee,sweetBiancha,nay,sonow!byJesus,Iamnotjealous,butresolvedIhavethefaithful'stwifeinItaly.ForthisIfind,wherejealousyisfed,Hornsinthemindareworse,thanonthehead.Seewhatadroveofhornsflyintheair,Wing'dwithmycleansedandmycredulousbreath:Watchthem,suspiciouseyes,watchwheretheyfall,See,see,onheadsthatthinktheyhavenoneatall.Oh,whataplenteousworldofthiswillcome,Whenairrainshorns,allmenbesureofsome.
Clem.Why,that'swell,comethen:whatsayyou,areallagreed?dothnonestandout?
Pros.Nonebutthisgentleman:towhominmyownpersonIowealldutyandaffection;butmostseriouslyintreatpardon,forwhatsoeverhathpastintheseoccurrantsthatmightbecontrarytohismostdesiredcontent.
Lor.se.Faith,sir,itisavirtuethatpursuesAnysaverudeanduncomposedspirits,Tomakeafairconstruction,andindeedNottostandoff,whensuchrespectivemeansInviteageneralcontentinall.
Clem.Well,thenIconjureyouallheretoputoffalldiscontentment,first,you,SigniorLorenzo,yourcares;you,andyou,yourjealousy;you,youranger,andyou,yourwit,sir;andforapeace-offering,here'sonewillingtobesacrificeduponthisaltar:say,doyouapprovemymotion?
Pros.Wedo,I'llbemouthforall.
Clem.Why,thenIwishthemalljoy,andnow,tomakeoureveninghappinessmorefull:thisnightyoushallbeallmyguests:wherewe'llenjoytheveryspiritofmirth,andcarousetothehealthofthisheroicspirit,whomtohonourthemoreIdoinvestinmyownrobes,desiringyoutwo,GiulianoandProspero,tobehissupporters,thetraintofollow,myselfwilllead,usheredbymypageherewiththishonourableverse—Clauditejamrivospuerisatpratabiberunt.
EVERYMANOUTOFHISHUMOUR
TOTHENOBLESTNURSERIESOFHUMANITYANDLIBERTYIN
THEKINGDOM
THEINNSOFCOURT
IUNDERSTANDyou,Gentlemen,notyourhouses:andaworthysuccessionofyou,toalltime,asbeingbornthejudgesofthesestudies.WhenIwrotethispoem,Ihadfriendshipwithdiversinyoursocieties;who,astheyweregreatnamesinlearning,sotheywerenolessexamplesofliving.Ofthem,andthen,thatIsaynomore,itwasnotdespised.Nowthattheprinter,byadoubledcharge,thinksitworthyalongerlifethancommonlytheairofsuchthingsdothpromise,Iamcarefultoputitaservanttotheirpleasures,whoaretheinheritorsofthefirstfavourbornit.Yet,Icommanditlienotinthewayofyourmorenobleandusefulstudiestothepublic:forsoIshallsufferforit.Butwhenthegownaridcapisoff,andthelordoflibertyreigns,then,totakeitinyourhands,perhapsmaymakesomebencher,tinctedwithhumanity,readandnotrepenthim.Byyourtruehonourer,BENJONSON.
DRAMATIS
ASPER,thePresenter.
MACILENTE.
PUNTARVOLO,—hisLady.—WaitingGent.—Huntsman.—Servingmen.—DogandCat.
CARLOBUFFONE.
FASTIDIOUSBRISK,—Cinedo,hisPage.
DELIRO,FALLACE,—Fido,theirServant.—Musicians.
PERSONS
SAVIOLINA.SORDIDO.—HisHind.FUNGOSO.--Tailor,Haberdasher.Shoemaker.
SOGLIARDO.
SHIFT.—Rustics.
NOTARY.
CLOVE,ORANGE.—AGromn.-
Drawers.—Constable,andOfficers.GREX.—CORDATUS—MITIS.
THECHARACTERSOFTHEPERSONS
ASPER,heisofaningeniousandfreespirit,eagerandconstantinreproof,withoutfearcontrollingtheworld'sabuses.Onewhomnoservilehopeofgain,orfrostyapprehensionofdanger,canmaketobeaparasite,eithertotime,place,oropinion.
MACILENTE,amanwellparted,asufficientscholar,andtravelled;who,wantingthatplaceintheworld'saccountwhichhethinkshismeritcapableof,fallsintosuchanenviousapoplexy,withwhichhisjudgmentissodazzledanddistasted,thathegrowsviolentlyimpatientofanyoppositehappinessinanother.
PUNTARVOLO,avain-gloriousknight,over-englishinghistravels,andwhollyconsecratedtosingularity;theveryJacob'sstaffofcompliment;asirthathathlivedtoseetherevolutionoftimeinmostofhisapparel.Ofpresencegoodenough,butsopalpablyaffectedtohisownpraise,tli.itforwantofflatterershecommendshimself,tothefloutageofhisownfamily.Hedealsuponreturns,andstrangeperformances,resolving,indespiteofpublicderision,tosticktohisownfashion,phrase,andgesture.
CARLOBUFFONE,apublic,scurrilous,andprofanejester,thatmoreswiftthanCirce,withabsurdsimiles,willtransformanypersonintodeformity.Agoodfeast-houndorbanquet-beaglr,thatwillscentvonoutasuppersomethreemilesoff,andsweartohispatrons,damnhim!hecameinoars,whenhewasbutwaftedoverinasculler.Aslavethathathanextraordinarygiftinpleasinghispalate,andwillswillupmoresackatasittingthanwouldmakealltheguardaposset.Hisreligionisrailing,andhisdiscourseribaldry.
FASTIDIOUSBRISK,aneat,spruce,affectingcourtier,onethatwearsclotheswell,andinfashion;practisethbyhisglasshowtosalute;speaksgoodremnants,notwithstandingthe
baseviolandtobacco;swearstersely,andwithvariety;caresnotwhatlady'sfavourhebelies,orgreatman'sfamiliarity:agoodpropertytoperfumethebootofacoach.Hewillborrowanotherman'shorsetopraise,andbackshimashisown.Or,foraneed,onfootcanposthimselfintocreditwithhismerchant,onlywiththegingleofhisspur,andthejerkofhiswand.
DELIRO,agooddotingcitizen,who,itisthought,mightbeofthecommon-councilforhiswealth;afellowsincerelybesottedonhisownwife,andsowraptwithaconceitofherperfections,thathesimplyholdshimselfunworthyofher.And,inthathood-wink'dhumour,livesmorelikeasuitorthanahusband;standinginastruedreadofherdispleasure,aswhenhefirstmadelovetoher.Hedothsacrificetwo-penceinjunipertohereverymorningbeforesherises,andwakesherwithvillainous-out-of-tunemusic,whichsheoutofhercontempt(thoughnotoutofherjudgment)issuretodislike.
FALLACE,Deliro'swife,andidol;aproudmincingpeat,andasperverseasheisofficious.Shedotesasperfectlyuponthecourtier,asherhusbanddothonher,andonlywantsthefacetobedishonest.
SAVIOLINA,acourt-lady,whoseweightiestpraiseisalightwit,admiredbyherself,andonemore,herservantBrisk.
SORDIDO,awretchedhob-nailedchuff,whoserecreationisreadingofalmanacks;andfelicity,foulweather.Onethatneverpray'dbutforaleandearth,andeverweptinafatharvest.
FUNGOSO,thesonofSordido,andastudent;onethathasrevelledinhistime,andfollowsthefashionafaroff,likeaspy.Hemakesitthewholebentofhisendeavourstowringsufficientmeansfromhiswretchedfather,toputhiminthecourtiers'cut;atwhichheearnestlyaims,butsounluckily,thathestilllightsshortasuit.
SOGLIARDO,anessentialclown,brothertoSordido,yetsoenamouredofthenameofagentleman,thathewillhaveit,thoughhebuysit.Hecomesupeverytermtolearntotaketobacco,andseenewmotions.Heisinhiskingdomwhenincompanywherehemaybewelllaughedat.
SHIFT,athread-bareshark;onethatneverwasasoldier,yetlivesuponlendings.Hisprofessionisskeldringandodling,hisbankPaul's,andhiswarehousePicthatch.Takesupsingletestonsuponoaths,tilldoomsday.Fallsunderexecutionsofthreeshillings,andentersintofive-groatbonds.Heway-laysthereportsofservices,andconsthemwithoutbook,damninghimselfhecamenewfromthem,whenallthewhilehewastakingthedietinthebawdy-house,orlaypawnedinhischamberforrentandvictuals.Heisofthatadmirableandhappymemory,thathewillsaluteoneforanoldacquaintancethatheneversawinhislifebefore.Heusurpsuponcheats,quarrels,androbberies,whichheneverdid,onlytogethimaname.Hischiefexercisesare,takingthewhiff,squiringacockatrice,andmakingprivysearchesforimparters.
CLOVEandORANGE,aninseparablecaseofcoxcombs,cityborn;theGemini,ortwinsotfoppery;thatlikeapairofwoodenfoils,arefitfornothingbuttobepractisedupon.Being
wellflatteredthey'lllendmoney,andrepentwhentheyhavedone.Theirgloryistoinviteplayers,andmakesuppers.Andincompanyofbetterrank,toavoidthesuspectofinsufficiency,willinforcetheirignorancemostdesperately,tosetupontheunderstandingofanything.Orangeisthemosthumorousofthetwo,(whosesmallportionofjuicebeingsqueezedout,)Cloveservestostickhimwithcommendations.
CORDATUS,theauthor'sfriend;amaninlyacquaintedwiththescopeanddriftofhisplot;ofadiscreetandunderstandingjudgment;andhastheplaceofamoderator.
MITIS,isapersonofnoaction,andthereforeweaffordhimnocharacter.
EveryManOutofHisHumour61
THESTAGE.Afterthesecondsounding.EnterCORDATUS,ASPER,andMITIS.
Cor.Nay,mydearAsper.Mit.Stayyourmind.Asp.Away!
Whoissopatientofthisimpiousworld,Thathecancheckhisspirit,orreinhis'tongue?Orwhohathsuchadeadunfeelingsense.Thatheaven'shorridthunderscannotwake?Toseetheearthcrack'dwiththeweightofsin.Hellgapingunderus,ando'erourheadsBlack,ravenousruin,withhersail-stretch'dwings,Readytosinkusdown,andcoverus.Whocanbeholdsuchprodigiesasthese,Andhavehislipsseal'dup?NotI:mysoulWasnevergroundintosuchoilycolours,Toflattervice,anddaubiniquity:But,tenthanarmedandresolvedhand,I'llstriptheraggedfolliesofthetimeNakedasattheirbirth—Cor.Benottoobold.
Asp.Youtroubleme—andwithawhipofstecltPrintwoundinglashes\ntheirironribs.Ifearnomondstamp'dinaprivatebrow.WhenIampleasedt'unmaskapublicvice.Ifearnostrumpet'sdrugs,norruffian'sstab.ShouldIdetecttheirhatefulluxuries:A"obroker's,usurer's,orlawyer'sgripe,WereIdisposedtosay,theyareallcorrupt.Ifearnocourtier'sfrown,shouldIapplaudTheeasyflexureofhissupplehams.Tut,thesearesoinnateandpopular,Thatdrunkencustomwouldnotshametolau^h,Inscorn,athim,thatshouldbutdaretotax'em:Andyet,notoneofthese,butknowshisworks,Knowswhatdamnationis,thedevil,andhell;Yethourlytheypersist,growrankinsin,Puffingtheirsoulsawayinperjurousair,Tocherishtheirextortion,pride,orlusts.
Mit.Forbear,goodAsper;benotlikeyourname.Asp.O,buttosuchwhosefacesareallzeal,And,withthewordsofHercules,invadeSuchcrimesastheseIthatwillnotsmellofsin,Butseemastheyweremadeofsanclitv!Religionintheirgarments,andtheirhairCutshorterthantheireye-brows!whentheconscienceIsvasterthantheocean,anddevoursMorewretchesthanthecounters.
Mit.GentleAsper,
Containyourspiritsinmorestricterhnun-ls,AndbenotthustransportedwiththeviolenceOfyourstrongthoughts.
Cor.Unlessyourbreathhadpower,Tomelttheworld,andmoulditnewagain,Itisinvainto
spenditinthesetn
Asp.[turningtothestage.]In<>tobserv,-,]//-?\-throngedroundtilln>>:vIGraciousandkindspectators,youareWn//..;ApolloandtheMusesfeastyoureyes
Withgracefulobjects,andmayourMinerva
Answeryourhopes,untotheirlargeststrain!
Yetheremistakemenot,judiciousfriends;
Idonotthis,tobegyourpatience,
Orservilelytofawnonyourapplause,
Likesomedrybrain,despairinginhismerit.
Letmebecensuredbytheausterestbrow,
WhereIwantartorjudgment,taxmefreely.
Letenviouscensors,withtheirbroadesteyes,
Lookthroughandthroughme,Ipursuenofavour;
Onlyvouchsafemeyourattentions,
AndIwillgiveyoumusicworthyourears.
O,howIhatethemonstrousnessoftimet
Whereeveryservileimitatingspirit,
Plaguedwithanitchingleprosyofwit,
Inamerehaltingfury,strivestofling
HisulcerousbodyintheThespianspring,
Andstraightleapsforthapoet!butaslame
AsVulcan,orthefounderofCripplegate.
Mit.Infaiththishumourwillcomeilltosome,"Youwillbethoughttobetooperemptory.
Asp.Thishumour?good!andwhythishumour,Mitis?Nay,donotturn,butanswer.
Mit.Answer,what?
Asp./willnotstiryourpatience,pardonme,Iurgeditforsomereasons,andtheratherTo
givetheseignorantwell-spokendaysSometasteoftheirabuseofthiswordhumour.
Cor.0,donotletyourpurposefall,goodAsper;Itcannotbutarrivemostacceptable,ChieflytosuchashavethehappinessDailytoseehowthepoorinnocentwordIsrack'dandtortured.
Mit.Ay,Iprayyouproceed.
Asp.Ha,what?whatis't?
Cor.Fortheabuseofhumour.
Asp.O,Icravepardon,Ihadlostmythoughts.Why,humour,asUsens,wethusdefineit,Tobeaqualityofair,orwater,Andinitselfholdsthesetwoproperties,Moistureandfluxure:as,fordemonstration,Pourwateronthisfloor,'twillwetandrun:Likewisetheair,forcedthroughahornortrumpet,Flowsinstantlyaway,andleavesbehindAkindofdew;andhencewedoconclude,Thatwhatsoe'erhathfluxureandhumidity,Aswantingpowertocontainitself,Ishumour.Soineveryhumanbody,Thecholer,melancholy,phlegm,andblood,ByreasonthattheyflowcontinuallyInsomeonepart,andarenotcontinent,Receivethenameofhumours.NowthusfarItmay,bymetaphor,applyitselfUntothegeneraldisposition:AswhensomeonepeculiarqualityDothsopossessaman,thatitdothdrawAllhisaffects,hisspirits,andhispowers,Intheirconductions,alltorunoneway,Thismaybetrulysaidtobeahumour.
EveryManOutofHisHumour63
Butthatarook,bywearingapyedfeather,2hecablehat-band,orthethree-piledruff,Ayardofshoe-tye,ortheSwitzer'sknotOnhisFrenchgarters,shouldaffectahumourIO,itismorethanmostridiculous.
Cor.Hespeakspuretruth;nowifanidiotHavebutanapishorfantasticstrain,Itishishumour.
Asp.Well,Iu'illscourgethoseapes,Andtothesecourteouseyesopposeamirror,Aslargeasisthestagewhereonweact;Wheretheyshallseethetime'sdeformityAnatomisedineverynerve,andsinew,Withconstantcourage,andcontemptoffear.
Mit.Asper,(Iurgeitasyourfriend,)takehe.I,Thedaysaredangerous,fullofexception,Andmenaregrownimpatientofreproof.
Asp.Ha,ha!
Youmightaswellhavetoldme,yond1isheaven.Thisearth,thesemen,andallhadmovedalike.—DonotIknowthetime'scondition?Yes,Mitis,andtheirsouls;andwhotheybeThateitherwillorcanexceptagainstme.Nonebutasortoffools,sosickintaste,Thattheycontemnallphysicofthemind,And,likegalVdcamels,kickateverytouch.Goodmen,andvirtuousspirits,thatloaththeirviccstWillcherishmyfreelabours,lovemylines,AndwiththefervouroftheirshininggraceMakemybrainfruitful,tobringforthmoreobjects,Worthytheirseriousandintentiveeyes.ButwhyenforceIthis?asfainting?no.Ifanyherechance
tobeholdhimself,Lethimnotdaretochallengemeofwrong;For,ifheshametohavehisfolliesknown,Firstheshouldshametoact'em:mystricthandWasmadetoseizeonvice,andwithagripeSqueezeoutthehumourofsuchspongysouls,Aslickupeveryidlevanity.
Cor.Why,thisisrightfurorpoeticus!Kindgentlemen,wehopeyourpatienceWillyetconceivethebest,orentertainThissupposition,thatamadmanspeaks.
Asp.What,areyoureadythere?Mitis,sitdown.And,myCordatus.Soundho!andbegin.Ileaveyoutwo,ascensors,tosithere:ObservewhatIpresent,andliberallySpeakyouropinionsuponeveryscene,Asitshallpasstheviewofthesespectators.-Yrtv,nowy'aretedious,sirs;forshame;.gin,And,Mitis,noteme;ifinallthisfrontYoucanespyagallantofthismark.Who,tobethoughtoneofthejudicious,Sitswithhisarmsthuswreathed,hishatpnll'ilhere,Criesmew,andnods,thenshakeshisemptyhi\id.Willshewmoreseveralmotionsinhis;ThanthenewLondon,Rome,or\uureh,And,nowandthen,breaksadrybiscuitjest,Which,thatitmaymoreeasilybechcic'd,
Hesteepsinhisownlaughter.
Cor.Why,willthatMakeitbesoonerswallowed?
Asp.0,assureyou.Orifitdidnot,yetasHoracesings,Meancatesarewelcomestilltohungryguests.
Cor.'Tt'strue;butwhyshouldweobservethem,Asper?
Asp.O,Iwouldknow'em;forinsuchassembliesTheyaremoreinfectiousthanthepestilence:AndthereforeIwouldgivethempillstopurge,Andmakethemfitforfairsocieties.Howmonstrousanddetestedis'ttoseeAfellowthathasneitherartnorbrain,SitlikeanAristarchus,orstarkass,Takingmen'slineswithatobaccoface,Insnuffstillspitting,usinghiswry'dlooks,Innatureofavice,towrestandturnThegoodaspectofthosethatshallsitnearhim,Fromwhattheydobehold!0,'tismostvile.
Mit.Nay,Asper.
Asp.Peace,Mitis,Idoknowyourthought;you'llsay,yourguestsherewillexceptatthis:Pish!youaretootimorous,andfullofdoubt.Thenhe,apatient,shallrejectallphysic,'Causethephysiciantellshim,youaresick:Or,ifIsay,thatheisvicious,Youwillnothearofvirtue.Come,youarefond.ShallIbesoextravagant,tothink,Thathappyjudgments,andcomposedspirits,Willchallengemefortaxingsuchasthese?Iamashamed.
Cor.Nay,butgood,pardonus;Wemustnotbearthisperemptorysail,Butuseourbestendeavourshowtoplease.
Asp.Why,thereinIcommendyourcarefulthoughts,AndIwillmixwithyouinindustryToplease:butwhom?attentiveauditors,Suchaswilljointheirprofitwiththeirpleasure,Andcometofeedtheirunderstandingparts:FortheseI'llprodigallyspendmyself,Andspeakawaymyspiritintoair;Forthese,I'llmeltmybrainintoinvention,Coinnewconceits,andhangmyrichestwordsAspolish"djewelsintheirbounteousears?Butstay,Ilosemyself,
andwrongtheirpatience:IfIdwellhere,they'llnotbegin,Isee.Friends,sityoustill,andentertainthistroopWithsomefamiliarandby-conference,I'llhastethemsound.Now,gentlemen,IgoToturnanactor,andahumorist,Where,ereIdoresumemypresentperson,WehopetomakethecirclesofyoureyesFlowwithdistilledlaughter:ifwefail,Wemustimputeittothisonlychance,Arthathanenemycall'dignorance.[Exit.
Cor.Howdoyoulikehisspirit,Mitis?
Mit.Ishouldlikeitmuchbetter,ifhewerelessconfident.
Cor.Why,doyoususpecthismerit?
Mit.No;butIfearthiswillprocurehimmuchenvy.
EveryManOutofHisHumour65
Cor.O,thatsetsthestrongersealonhisdesert:ifhehadnoenemies,Ishouldesteemhisfortunesmostwretchedatthisinstant.
Mit.Youhaveseenhisplay,Cordatus:prayyou,howisit?
COT.Faith,sir,Imustrefraintofudge;onlythisIcansayofit,'tisstrange,andofaparticularkindbyitself,somewhatlikeVetusComoedia;aworkthathathbounteouslypleasedme;howitwillanswerthegeneralexpectation,Iknownot.
Mit.Doesheobserveallthelawsofcomedyinit?
Cor.Whatlawsmeanyou?
Mit.Why,theequaldivisionofitintoactsandscenes,accordingtotheTerentianmanner;histruenumberofactors;thefurnishingofthescenewithGrexorChorus,andthatthewholeargumentfallwithincompassofa,day'sbusiness.
Cor.Ono,thesearetooniceobservations.
Mit.Theyaresuchasmustbereceived,byyourfavour,oritcannotbeauthentic.
Cor.Troth,Icandiscernnosuchnecessity.
Mit.No!
Cor.No,Iassureyou,signior.Ifthoselawsyouspeakofhadbeendeliveredusabinitio,andintheirpresentvirtueandperfection,therehadbeensomereasonofobeyingtheirpowers;but'tisextant,thatthatwhichwecallComoedia,wasatfirstnothingbutasimpleandcontinuedsong,sungbyoneonlyperson,tillSusarioinventedasecond;afterhim,Epicharmusathird;PhormusandChionidesdevisedtohavefouractors,withaprologueandchorus;towhichCratinus,longafter,addedafifthandsixth:Eupolis,more;Aristophanes,morethanthey;everymaninthedignityofhisspiritandjudgmentsuppliedsomething.And,thoughthatinhimthiskindofpoemappearedabsolute,andfullyperfected,yethowis
thefaceofitchangedsince,inMenander,Philemon,Cecilius,Plautus,andtherest!whohaveutterlyexcludedthechorus,alteredthepropertyofthepersons,theirnames,andnatures,andaugmenteditwithallliberty,accordingtotheelegancyanddispositionofthosetimeswhereintheywrote.Iseenotthen,butweshouldenjoythesamelicense,orfreepowertoillustrateandheightenourinvention,astheydid;andnotbetiedtothosestrictandregularformswhichthenicenessofafew,whoarenothingbutform,wouldthrustuponus.
Mit.Well,wewillnotdisputeofthisnow;butwhat'shisscene?
Cor.Marry,InsulaFortunata,sir.
Mit.0,theFortunateIsland:mass,hehasboundhimselftoastrictlawthere.
Cor.Whyso?
Mit.Hecannotlightlyalterthescene,withoutcrossingtheseas.
Cor.Heneedsnot,havingawholeislandtorunthrough,Ithink.
Mit.No/howcomesitthen,thatinsomeoneplayweseesomanyseas,countries,andkingdoms,passedoverwithsuchadmirabledextentv?
Cor.O,thatbutshewshowwelltheauthorscantravelintheirvocation,andoutruntheapprehensionoftheirauditory.But,leavingthis,Iwouldtheywouldbeginatonce:thisprotractionisabletosourthebest-settledpatienceinthetheatre.[Thethirdsounding.
Mit.Theyhaveansweredyourwish,sir;theysound.
Cor.0,herecomesthePrologue.
EnterPROLOGSi.
Now,sir,ifyouhadstaidalittlelonger,Imeanttohavespokeyourprologueforyou,i*faith.
Prol.Marry,withallmyheart,sir,youshalldoityet,andIthankyou.
[Coin.;.
Cor.Nay,nay,stay,stay;hearyou?
Prol.Youcouldnothavestudiedtoharedonemea"renterbenefitat//•-•instant;forIprotesttoyou,Iamunpcrjcct,and,hadIspokeit,Imustofnecessityhavebeenout.
Cor.Why,butdoyouspeakthisseriously?
Prol.Seriously!ay,wit'smyhelp,doI;andesteemmyselfindebtedtoyourkindnessforit.
Cor.Forwhat?
Prol.Why,forundertakingtheprologueforme.
Cor.How!didIundertakeitforyou?
Prol.Didyou!Iappealtoallthesegentlemen,whetheryoudidorno.Come,come,itpleasesyoutocastastrangelookoritnow;but'twillnotserve.
Cor.'Foreme,butitmustserve;andthereforespeakyourprologue.
Prol.AnIdo,letmediepoisonedwithsomevenomoushiss,andneverlivetolookashighasthetwo-pennyroomagain.[Exit.
Mit.Hehasputyoutoit,sir.
Cor.'Sdeath,whatahumorousfellowisthis!Gentlemen,goodfaithIcanspeaknoprologue,howsoeverhisweakwithashadthefortunetomakethisstronguseofmeherebeforeyou:butIprotest—
EnterCARLOBUFFONE,followedbyaBoywithwine.
Car.Come,come,leavethesefustianprotestations;away,come,Icannotabidethesegrey-headedceremonies.Boy,fetchmeaglassquickly,Imaybidthesegentlemenwelcome;givethemahealthhere.[ExitBoy.]Imar'lewhosewititwastoputaprologueinyond'sackbut'smouth;theymightwellthinkhe'dbeoutoftune,andyetyou'dplayuponhimtoo.
Cor.Hanghim,dullblock!
Car.O,goodwords,goodwords;awell-timber'dfellow,hewouldhavemadeagoodcolumn,anhehadbeenthoughton,whenthehousewasabuilding—
Re-enterBoywithglasses.
O,artthoucome?Wellsaid;giveme,boy;fillsoIHere'sacupofwinesparkleslikeadiamond.Gentlewomen(Iamsworntoputtheminfirst)andgentlemen,around,inplaceofabadprologue,Idrinkthisgooddraughttoyourhealthhere,Canary,theveryelixirandspiritofwine.[Drinks.]ThisisthatourpoetcallsCastalianliquor,whenhecomesabroadnowandthen,onceinafortnight,andmakesagoodmealamongplayers,wherehehascaninumappetitum;marry,athomehekeepsagoodphilosophicaldiet,beansandbutter-milk;anhonestpurerogue,hewilltakeyouoffthree,four,fiveofthese,oneafteranother,andlookvillainouslywhenhehasdone,likeaone-headedCerberus.—Hedoesnothearme,Ihope.—Andthen,whenhisbellyiswellballaced,andhisbrainriggedalittle,hesailsawaywithal,asthoughhewouldworkwonderswhenhecomeshome.Hehasmadeaplayhere,andhecallsit,EveryManoutofhisHumour:butanhegetmeoutofthehumourhehasputmein,I'lltrustnoneofhistribeagainwhileIlive.Gentles,allIcansayforhimis,youarewelcome.Icouldwishmybottlehereamongstyou;butthere'sanoldrule,Nopledgingyourownhealth.Marry,ifanyherebethirstyforit,theirbestway(thatIknow)is,sitstill,sealuptheirlips,anddrinksomuchoftheplayinattheirears.[Exit.
Mit.Whatmaythisfellowbe,Cordatus?
Cor.Faith,ifthetimewillsufferhisdescription,I'llgiveityou.Heisone,theauthorcallshimCarloBuffone,animpudentcommonjester,aviolentrailer,andanincomprehensibleepicure;onewhosecompanyisdesiredofallmen,butbelovedofnone;hewillsoonerlosehissoulthanajest,andProfaneeventhemostholythings,toexcitelaughter:nohonourableorreverendpersonagewhatsoevercancomewithinthereachofhiseye,butisturnedintoallmannerofvariety,byhisadulteratesimiles.
Mit.YOMpaintforthamonster.
Cor.Hewillpreferallcountriesbeforehisnative,andthinkshecanneversufficiently,orwithadmirationenough,deliverhisaffectionateconceitofforeignatheisticalpolicies.Butstay—
EnterMACILENTE.Observethese:he'llappearhimselfanon.
Mit.0,thisisyourenviousman,Macilente,Ithink.
Cor.Thesame,sir.
EveryManOutofHisHumour67
ACTI
SCENEI.—TheCountry.EnterMACILENTE,withabook.
Mad.Viriest,fortunes,ccecitatemfacilefcrre.'Tistrue;but,Stoic,where,inthevastworld,Doththatmanbreathe,thatcansomuchcommandHisbloodandhisaffection?Well,IseeIstriveinvf.intocuremywoundedsoul;ForeverycordialthatmythoughtsapplyTurnstoacorsiveanddotheatitfarther.Thereisnotasteinthisphilosophy;'Tislikeapotionthatamanshoulddrink,Butturnshisstomachwiththesightofit.Iamnosuchpill'dCynicktobelieve,Thatbeggaryistheonlyhappiness;Orwithanumberofthesepatientfools,Tosing:Mymindtomeakingdomis,\Vhenthelankhungrybellybarksforfood,Ilookintotheworld,andthereImeetWithobjects,thatdostrikemyblood-shotIntomybrain:where,whenIviewmyself,Havingbeforeobserv'dthismanisgreat,Mightyandfear'd;thatlov'dandhighlyfavour'd:Athirdthoughtwiseandlearn'd;afourthrich,Andthereforehonour'd;afifthrarelyfeatur'd;Asixthadmiredforhisnuptialfortunes:WhenIseethese,Isay,andviewmyself,Iwishtheorgansofmysightwerecrack'd;Andthattheengineofmygriefcouldcast.Mineeyeballs,liketwoglobesofwildfire,forth,Tomeltthisunproportion'dframeofnature.Oh,theyarethoughtsthathavetransfix'dmyheart,Andoften,inthestrengthofapprehension,.Mademycoldpassionstanduponmyface,Likedropsofdewonastiffcakeofice.
Cor.Thisalludeswelltothatofthepo/f.
Invidussuspirat,gemit,incut/f</nedenies,
Sudatfrigidus,intuensquododit.Mit.0,peace,youbreakthescene.
EnterSOOLIARDOandCARLOBUFFONE.
Maci.Soft,whobethose?I'lllaymedownawhiletilltheybepast.[LiesJ.-<>/vi.
Cor.*S'>>/»i'>r,ti»t<-i/iixtjulltuit,Iprm/>/<>>/.
.Mit.Whatishe?
Cor.Atamerook,y>»CUtnlcchim}>rtxftith/;li<t.
Sog.Nay,lookyou,Carlo;thisismyhumournow!Ihavelandandmoney,myfriendsleftmewell,andIwillbeagentlemanwhatsoeveritcostme.
Car.Amostgentlemanlikeresolution.
Sog.Tut!anItakeanhumourofathingonce,Iamlikeyourtailor'sneedle,Igothrough:but,formyname,signior,howthinkyou?willitnotserveforagentleman'sname,whenthesigniorisputtoit,ha?
Car.Letmehear;howisit?
Sog.SigniorInsulsoSogliardo:methinksitsoundswell.
Car.Oexcellent!tut!anallfittedtoyourname,youmightverywellstandforagentleman:IknowmanySogliardosgentlemen.
Sog.Why,andformywealthImightbeajusticeofpeace.
Car.Ay,andaconstableforyourwit.
»/7»/
Sog.Allthisismylordshipyouseehere,andthosefarmsyoucameby.
Car.Goodstepstogentilitytoo,marry:but,Sogliardo,ifyouaffecttobeagentlemanindeed,youmustobservealltherarequalities,humours,andcomplimentsofagentleman.
Sog.Iknowit,signior,andifyoupleasetoinstruct,Iamnottoogoodtolearn,I'llassureyou.
Car.Enough,sir.—I'llmakeadmirableuseintheprojectionofmymedicineuponthislumpofcopperhere.[Aside.]—I'llbethinkmeforyou,sir.
Sog.Signior,Iwillbothpayyou,andprayyou,andthankyou,andthinkonyou.
Cor.Isthisnotpurelygood?
Mad.S'blood,whyshouldsuchaprick-ear'dhindasthisBerich,ha?afool!suchatransparentgullThatmaybeseenthrough!whereforeshouldhehaveland,Houses,andlordships?0,Icouldeatmyentrails,Andsinkmysoulintotheearthwithsorrow.
Car.First,tobeanaccomplishedgentleman,thatis,agentlemanofthetime,youmustgiveoverhousekeepinginthecountry,andlivealtogetherinthecityamongstgallants:where,atyourfirstappearance,'tweregoodyouturn'dfourorfivehundredacresofyourbestlandintotwoorthreetrunksofapparel—youmaydoitwithoutgoingtoaconjurer—andbesureyoumixyourselfstillwithsuchasnourishinthespringofthefashion,andareleastpopular;studytheircarriageandbehaviourinall;learntoplayatprimeroandpassage,andever(whenyoulose)havetwoorthreepeculiaroathstoswearby,thatnomanelseswears:but,aboveall,protestinyourplay,andaffirm,Uponyourcredit,Asyouareatruegentleman,ateverycast;youmaydoitwithasafeconscience,Iwarrantyou.
Sog.0admirablerare!hecannotchoosebutbeagentlemanthathastheseexcellentgifts:more,more,Ibeseechyou.
Car.Youmustendeavourtofeedcleanlyatyourordinary,sitmelancholy,andpickyourteethwhenyoucannotspeak:and
EveryManOutofHisHumour69
whenyoucometoplays,behumorous,lookwithagoodstarch'dface,andruffleyourbrowlikeanewboot,laughatnothingbutyourownjests,orelseasthenoblemenlaugh.That'saspecialgraceyoumustobserve.
Sog.Iwarrantyou,sir.
Car.Ay,andsitonthestageandflout,providedyouhaveagoodsuit.
Sog.O,I'llhaveasuitonlyforthat,sir.
Car.Youmusttalkmuchofyourkindredandallies.
Sog.Lies!no,signior,Ishallnotneedtodoso,Ihavekindredinthecitytotalkof:Ihaveanieceisamerchant'swife;andanephew,mybrotherSordido'sson,oftheInnsofcourt.
Car.0,butyoumustpretendalliancewithcourtiersandgreatpersons:andeverwhenyouaretodineorsupinanystrangepresence,hireafellowwithagreatchain,(thoughitbecopper,it'snomatter,)tobringyouletters,feign'dfromsuchanobleman,orsuchaknight,orsuchalady,Totheirworshipful,rigidrare,aminoblyqualifiedfriendandkinsman,signiorInsitlsoSogliardo:giveyourselfstyleenough.Andthere,whileyouintendcircumstancesofnews,orenquiryoftheirhealth,orso,oneofyourfamiliars,whomyoumustcarryaboutyoustill,breaksitup,as'twereinajest,andreadsitpubliclyatthetable:atwhichyoumustseemtotakeasunpardonableoffence,asifhehadtornyourmistress'scolours,orbreath'duponherpicture,andpursueitwiththathotgrace,asifyouwouldadvanceachallengeuponitpresently.
Sog.Stay,Idonotlikethathumourofchallenge,itmaybeaccepted;butI'lltellyouwhat'smyhumournow,Iwillclothis:Iwilltakeoccasionofsendingoneofmysuitstothetailor's,tohavethepocketrepaired,orso;andtheresuchaletterasyoutalkof,brokeopenandallshallbeleft;O,thetailorwillpresentlygiveoutwhatIam,uponthereadingofit,worth
twentyofyourgallants.
Car.Butthenyoumustputonanextremefaceofdiscontentmentatyourman'snegligence.
Sog.0,soIwill,andbeathimtoo:I'llhaveamanforthepurpose.
Muc.Youmay;youhavelandandcrowns:Opartialfato!
Car.Mass,wellremember'd,youmustkeepyourmongallantatthefirst,finepiedliverieslaidwithgoodgoldlace;there'snolossinit,theymayripitoffandpawnitwhentheylarkvictuals.
Sog.By'rLady,thatischargeable,signior,'twillbringamanindebt.
Car.Debt!whythat'sthemoroforyourcredit,sir:it'sanexcellentpolicytoowemuchinthesedays,ifyounoteit.
Sog.Ashow,goodsignior?Iwouldfainbeapolitician.
Car.O!lookwhereyouareindebtedanyLrreatsum.yourcreditorobservesyouwithnolessregard,thanifhe\\ereboundtoyouforsomehugebenefit,and\\i\\quaketogiveyouthe[eastcauseofoffence,lesthelosehi.smoney.Iassureyou,int!
joBenJonsorfsPlays
times,nomanhashisservantmoreobsequiousandpliant,thangentlementheircreditors:towhom,ifatanytimeyoupaybutamoiety,orafourthpart,itcomesmoreacceptablythanifyougavethemanew-year'sgift.
Sog.Iperceiveyou,sir:Iwilltakeup,andbringmyselfincredit,sure.
Car.Marrythis,alwaysbewareyoucommercenotwithbankrupts,orpoorneedyLudgathians;theyareimpudentcreatures,turbulentspirits,theycarenotwhatviolenttragediestheystir,norhowtheyplayfastandloosewithapoorgentleman'sfortunes,togettheirown.Marry,theserichfellowsthathavetheworld,orthebetterpartofit,sleepingintheircounting-houses,theyaretentimesmoreplacable,they;eitherfear,hope,ormodesty,restrainsthemfromofferinganyoutrages:butthisisnothingtoyourfollowers,youshallnotrunapennymoreinarrearageforthem,anyoulist,yourself.
Sog.No!howshouldIkeep'emthen?
Car.Keep'em!'sblood,letthemkeepthemselves,theyarenosheep,arethey?what,youshallcomeinhouses,whereplate,apparel,jewels,anddiversotherprettycommoditieslienegligentlyscattered,andIwouldhavethoseMercuriesfollowme,Itrow,shouldremembertheyhadnottheirfingersfornothing.
Sog.That'snotsogood,methinks.
Car.Why,afteryouhavekeptthemafortnight,orso,andshew'dthemenoughtotheworld,
youmayturnthemaway,andkeepnomorebutaboy,it'senough.
Sog.Nay,myhumourisnotforboys,I'llkeepmen,anIkeepany;andI'llgivecoats,that'smyhumour:butIlackacullisen.
Car.Why,nowyouridetothecity,youmaybuyone;I'llbringyouwhereyoushallhaveyourchoiceformoney.
Sog.Canyou,sir?
Car.O,ay:youshallhaveonetakemeasureofyou,andmakeyouacoatofarmstofityou,ofwhatfashionyouwill.
Sog.Bywordofmouth,Ithankyou,signior;I'llbeoncealittleprodigalinahumour,i'faith,andhaveamostprodigiouscoat.
Mac.Tormentanddeath!breakheadandbrainatonce,Tobedeliver'dofyourfightingissue.WhocanenduretoseeblindFortunedotethus?Tobeenamour'donthisdustyturf,
Thisclod,awhoresonpuck-fist!OG!
Icouldrunwildwithgriefnow,tobeholdTheranknessofherbounties,thatdothbreedSuchbulrushes;thesemushroomgentlemen,Thatshootupinanighttoplaceandworship.
Car.[seeingMacilente.]Lethimalone;somestray,somestray.
Sog.Nay,IwillexaminehimbeforeIgo,sure.
Car.Thelordofthesoilhasallweftsandstrayshere,hashenot?
Sog.Yes,sir.
EveryManOutofHisHumour71
Car.FaiththenIpitythepoorfellow,he'sfallenintoafool'shands.[Aside.
Sog.Sirrah,whogaveyouacommissiontolieinmylordship?
Mac.Yourlordship!
Sog.How!mylordship?doyouknowme,sir?
Mac.Idoknowyou,sir.
Car.Heanswershimlikeanecho.[Aside.
Sog.Why,WhoamI,sir?
Mac.Oneofthosethatfortunefavours.
Car.Theperiphrasisofafool.I'llobservethisbetter.[Aside.
Sog.Thatfortunefavours!howmeanyouthat,friend?
Mac.Imeansimply:thatyouareonethatlivesnotbyyourwits.
Sog.Bymywits!no,sir,Iscorntolivebymywits,I.Ihavebettermeans,Itellthee,thantotakesuchbasecourses,astolivebymywits.What,dostthouthinkIlivebymywits?
Mac.Methinks,jester,youshouldnotrelishthiswell.
Car.Ha!doesheknowme?
Mac.Thoughyoursbetheworstuseamancanputhiswitto,ofthousands,toprostituteitateverytavernandordinary;yet,methinks,youshouldhaveturn'dyourbroadsideatthis,andhavebeenreadywithanapology,abletosinkthishulkofignoranceintothebottomanddepthofhiscontempt.
Car.Oh,'tisMacilente!Signior,youarewellencountered;howisit?0,wemustnotregardwhathesays,man,atrout,ashallowfool,hehasnomorebrainthanabutterfly,amerestuftsuit;helookslikeamustybottlenewwicker'd,hishead'sthecork,light,light![AsidetoMacilente.]—Iamgladtoseeyousowellreturn'd,signior.
Mac.Youare!gramercy,goodJanus.
Sog.Isheoneofyouracquaintance?Ilovehimthebetterforthat.
Car.Od'sprecious,comeaway,man,whatdoyoumean?anyouknewhimasIdo,you'dshunhimasyouwoulddotheplague.
Sog.Why,sir?
Car.O,he'sablackfellow,takeheedofhim.
Sog.Isheascholar,orasoldier?
Car.Both,both;aleanmongrel,helooksasifhewerechop-fallen,withbarkingatothermen'sgoodfortunes:'warehowyouoffendhim;hecarriesoilandfireinhispen,willscaldwhereitdrops:hisspiritislikepowder,quick,violent;he'llblowamanupwithajest:Ifearhimworsethanarottenwalldoesthecannon;shakeanhourafteratthereport.Away,comenotnearhim.
Sog.ForGod'ssakelet'sbegone;anhebeascholar,youknowIcannotabidehim;Ihadaslieveseeacockatrice,speciallyascockatricesgonow.
Car.What,you'llstay,signior?thisgentlemanSogliardo,and1,aretovisittheknightPuntarvolo,andfromthencetothecity;weshallmeetthere.[Esitn-ithSogliardo.
Mac.Ay,whenIcannotshunyou,wewillmeet.'Tisstrange!o*allthecreaturesIhaveseen,
IenvynotthisBuffone,forindeed
Neitherhisfortunesnorhispartsdeserveit:
ButIdohatehim,asIhatethedevil,
Orthatbrass-visagedmonsterBarbarism.
O,'tisanopen-throated,black-mouth'dcur,
Thatbitesatall,buteatsonthosethatfeedhim.
Aslave,thattoyourfacewill,serpent-like,
Creepontheground,ashewouldeatthedust,
Andtoyourbackwillturnthetail,andsting
Moredeadlythanthescorpion:stay,who'sthis?
Now,formysoul,anotherminion
OftheoldladyChance's!I'llobservehim.
EnterSORDIDOwithanAlmanackinhishand.
Sord.Orare!good,good,good,good,good!Ithankmystars,Ithankmystarsforit.
Mac.SaidInottrue?dothnothispassionspeakOutofmydivination?Omysenses,Whyloseyounotyourpowers,andbecomeDull'd,ifnotdeaded,withthisspectacle?Iknowhim,itisSordido,thefarmer,Aboor,andbrothertothatswinewashere.[Aside.
Sord.Excellent,excellent,excellent!asIwouldwish,asIwouldwish.
Mac.Seehowthestrumpetfortunetickleshim,Andmakeshimswoonwithlaughter,O,O,O!
Sord.Ha,ha,ha!Iwillnotsowmygroundsthisyear.Letmesee,whatharvestshallwehave?June,July?
Mac.What,is'taprognosticationrapshimso?
Sord.The20,21,22days,rainandwind.Ogood,good!the23,and24,rainandsomewind,good!the25,rain,goodstill!26,27,28,windandsomerain;wouldithadbeenrainandsomewind!well,'tisgood,whenitcanbenobetter.29,incliningtorain:incliningtorain!that'snotsogoodnow:30,and31,windandnorain:norain!'slid,stay:thisisworseandworse:WhatsaysheofSt.Swithin's?turnback,look,saintSwithin's:norain!
Mac.0,here'saprecious,dirty,damnedrogue,ThatfatshimselfwithexpectationOfrotten
weather,andunseason'dhours;Andheisrichforit,anelderbrother!Hisbarnsarefull,hisricksandmowswelltrod,Hisgarnerscrackwithstore!O,'tiswell;ha,ha,ha!Aplagueconsumethee,andthyhouse!
Sord.Ohere,St.Swithin's,the15day,variableweather,forthemostpartrain,good!forthemostpartrain:why,itshouldrainfortydaysafter,now,moreorless,itwasaruleheld,aforeIwasabletoholdaplough,andyetherearetwodaysnorain;ha!itmakesmemuse.We'llseehowthenextmonthbegins,ifthatbebetter.August1,2,3,and4,days,rainyandblustering:thisiswell
EveryManOutofHisHumour73
now:5,6,7,8,and9,rainy,withsomethunder;Aymarry,thisisexcellent;theotherwasfalseprintedsure:the,10and11,greatstoreofrain;0good,good,good,good,good!the12,13,and14days,rain;goodstill:15,and16,rain;goodstill:17and18,rain,goodstill:19and20,goodstill,goodstill,goodstill,goodstill,goodstill!21,somerain;somerain!well,wemustbepatient,andattendtheheaven'spleasure,woulditweremorethough:the22,23,greattempestsofrain,thunderandlightning.
0goodagain,pastexpectationgood!
1thankmyblessedangel;never,neverLaidI[a]pennybetteroutthanthis,
Topurchasethisdearbook:notdearforprice,
Andyetofmeasdearlyprizedaslife,
Sinceinitiscontain'dtheverylife,
Blood,strength,andsinews,ofmyhappiness.
BlestbethehourwhereinIboughtthisbook;
Hisstudieshappythatcomposedthebook,
Andthemanfortunatethatsoldthebook!
Sleepwiththischarm,andbeastruetome,
AsIamjoy'dandconfidentinthee.[Putsit>ij>.
EnteraHind,andgivesSORDIDOapapertoread.
Mac.Ha,ha,ha!
Isnotthisgood?Isitnotpleasingthis?Ha,ha,ha!Godpardonme!ha,ha!Is'tpossiblethatsuchaspaciousvillainShouldlive,andnotbeplagued?orlieshehidWithinthewrinkledbosomoftheworld,WhereHeavencannotseehim?S'blood!methinks'Tisrare,andstrange,thatheshouldbreatheand\\alk,Feedwithdigestion,sleep,enjoyhishealth,And,likea
boisterouswhaleswallowingthepoor.Stillswiminwealthandpleasure!is'tnotstrange?Unlesshishouseandskinwerethunderproof,I\vonderatit!Methinks,now,thehectic,Gout,leprosy,orsomesuchloath'ddisease,MiLrhtlightuponhim;orthatfirefromheavenMi',rhtfalluponhisbarns;ormiceandratsEatuphisgrain;orelsethatitmightrotWithinthehoaryricks,evenasitstan<ls:Methinksthismightbewell;andafterallThedevilmightcomeandfetchhim.Ay,'tistrue!Meantimehesurfeitsinprosperity,Andthou,inenvyofhim,gnaw'stthyself:Peace,fool,gethence,andtellthyvexedspirit,Wealthinthisagewillscarcelylookonim-nt.[A'/.sr.vand>n't.
Sard.Whobroughtthi<same,sirrah?
Hind.Marry,sir,oneofthejustice'smen;hesays'tis.1andalltheirhandsbeatit
Sord.Ay,andtheprintsofthemstickinmyflesh,Deeperthanintheirletters:theyhavesentmePillswraptinpaperhere,that,shouldItakethem,Wouldpoisonallthesweetnessofmybook,Andturnmyhoneyintohemlock-juice.ButIamwiserthantoservetheirprecepts,Orfollowtheirprescriptions.Here'sadevice,Tochargemebringmygrainuntothemarkets:Ay,much!whenIhaveneitherbarnnorgarner,Norearthtohideitin,I'llbring't;tillthen,EachcornIsendshallbeasbigasPaul's.O,but(saysome)thepoorareliketostarve.Why,let'emstarve,what'sthattome?arebeesBoundtokeeplifeindronesandidlemoths?no:Whysucharethesethattermthemselvesthepoor,Onlybecausetheywouldbepitied,Butareindeedasortoflazybeggars,Licentiousrogues,andsturdyvagabonds,Bredbytheslothofafatplenteousyear,Likesnakesinheatofsummer,outofdung;Andthisisallthatthesecheaptimesaregoodfor:WhereasawholesomeandpenuriousdearthPurgesthesoilofsuchvileexcrements,Andkillsthevipersup.
Hind.O,butmaster,Takeheedtheyhearyounot.
Sord.Whyso?
Hind.Theywillexclaimagainstyou.
Sord.Ay,theirexclaims
Movemeasmuch,asthybreathmovesamountain.Poorworms,theyhissatme,whilstIathomeCanbecontentedtoapplaudmyself,Tositandclapmyhands,andlaugh,andleap,Knockingmyheadagainstmyroof,withjoyToseehowplumpmybagsare,andmybarns.Sirrah,gohieyouhome,andbidyourfellowsGetalltheirflailsreadyagainIcome.
Hind.Iwill,sir.[Exit.
Sord.I'llinstantlysetallmyhindstothrashingOfawholerickofcorn,whichIwillhideUndertheground;andwiththestrawthereofI'llstufftheoutsidesofmyothermows:Thatdone,I'llhavethememptyallmygarners,Andinthefriendlyearthburymystore,That,whenthesearcherscome,theymaysupposeAll'sspent,andthatmyfortuneswerebelied.Andtolendmoreopiniontomywant,Andstopthatmany-mouthedvulgardog,Whichelsewouldstillbebayingatmydoor,
EveryManOutofHisHumour75
Eachmarket-dayIwillbeseentobuy
Partofthepurestwheat,asformyhousehold;
Wherewhenitcomes,itshallincreasemyheaps:
'Twillyieldmetreblegainatthisdeartime,
Promisedinthisdearbook:Ihavecastall.
TillthenIwillnotsellanear,I'llhangfirst.
0,IshallmakemypricesasIlist;
-MyhouseandIcanfeedonpeasandbarley.
Whatthoughaworldofwretchesstarvethewhile;
Hethatwillthrivemustthinknocoursesvile.[Exit.
Cor.Now,signior,howapproveyouthis?havethehumouristsexprestthemselvestrulyorno?
Mit.Yes,ifitbewellprosecuted,'tishithertohappyenough:butmethinksMacilentewenthencetoosoon;hemighthavebeenmadetostay,andspeaksomewhatinreproofofSordido'swretchednessnowatthelast.
Cor.0,no,thathadbeenextremelyimproper;besides,hehadcontinuedthescenetoolongwithhim,as'twas,beinginnomoreaction.
-Mit.Youmayinforcethelengthasanecessaryreason;butforpropriety,thescenewouldverywellhaveborneit,inmyjudgment.
Cor.O,worstofboth;why,youmistakehishumourutterlythen.
Mit.HowdoImistakeit?Isitnotenvy?
Cor.Yes,butyoumustunderstand,signior,heenvieshimnotasheisavillain,awolfinthecommonwealth,butasheisrichandfortunate;forthetrueconditionofenvyis,doloraliemefelicitatis,tohaveoureyescontinuallyfixeduponanotherman'sprosperitythatis,hischiefhappiness,andtogrieveatthat.Whereas,ifwemakehismonstrousandabhorr'dactionsourobject,thegriefwetakethf/icomesnearerthenatureofhatethanenvy,asbeingbredoutofakindofcontemptandloathinginourselves.
-Mit.Soyou'llinferithadbeenhate,notenvyinhim,toreprehendthehumourofSordido?
Cor.Right,forwhatamantrulyenviesinanother,hecouldahmi/*loveandcherishin
himself;butnomantrulyreprehendsinanother,whathelovesinhimself;thereforereprehensionisoutofhishdl>.Andthisdistinctionhathhehimselfmadeinaspeechttnr<.ifyoumarkedit,wherehesays,IenvynotthisBuffone,butIhatehim.
Mit.Stay,sir:IenvynotthisBuffone,butIhatehim.\\'hymighthenotaswellhavehatedSordidoashim?
Cor.No,sir,therewassubjertf»r///*•f-nryinS»rdid».A/.<innlth:sowastherenotintheother.Hext<»nlj>nx*f-xt«fnooneemit"nt-lift,butamostodiousandfiend-liked('*j»>«ilion,thatwouldturncluinti/if••>•"'/intnft'ite,muchmoreenr>/,f>rthepresent.
Mit.Youhavesatisfiedme,sir.O,herecomesthefool,andthejesteragain,methinks.
Cor.'Twerepitytheyshoi/ldbeparted,sir.
-Mit,Whatbright-shininggallant'sthatwiththem?thekni'jhttlwentto?
j6BenJensen'sPlays
Cor.No,sir,thisisonemonsieurFastidiousBrisk,otherwisecalledthefreshFrenchifiedcourtier.
Mit.Ahumouristtoo?
Cor.Ashumorousasquicksilver;dobutobservehim;thesceneisthecountrystill,remember.
ACTII
SCENEI.—TheCountry;beforePUNTARVOLO'SHouse.
EnterFASTIDIOUSBRISK,CINEDO,CARLOBUFFONE,andSOGLIARDO.
Fast.Cinedo,watchwhentheknightcomes,andgiveusword.
Cin.Iwill,sir.[Exit.
Fast.Howlik'stthoumyboy,Carlo?
Car.O,well,well.HelookslikeacolonelofthePigmieshorse,oroneofthesemotionsinagreatantiqueclock;hewouldshewwelluponahaberdasher'sstall,atacornershop,rarely.
Fast.'Sheart,whatadamn'dwittyrogue'sthis!Howheconfoundswithhissimiles!
Car.Betterwithsimilesthansmiles:andwhitherwereyouridingnow,signior?
Fast.Who,I?Whatasillyjest'sthat!WhithershouldIridebuttothecourt?
Car.0,pardonme,sir,twentyplacesmore;yourhot-house,oryourwhore-house—
Fast.Bythevirtueofmysoul,thisknightdwellsinElysiumhere.
Car.He'sgonenow,Ithoughthewouldflyoutpresently.Thesebeournimble-spiritedcatsos,thathavetheirevasionsatpleasure,willrunoveraboglikeyourwildIrish;nosoonerstarted,butthey'llleapfromonethingtoanother,likeasquirrel,heigh!danceanddotricksintheirdiscourse,fromfiretowater,fromwatertoair,fromairtoearth,asiftheirtonguesdidbute'enlickthefourelementsover,andaway.
Fast.Sirrah,Carlo,thouneversaw'stmygrayhobbyyet,didstthou?
Car.No;haveyousuchaone?
Fast.ThebestinEurope,mygoodvillain,thou'ltsaywhenthouseesthim.
Car.ButwhenshallIseehim?
Fast.Therewasanoblemaninthecourtofferedmeahundredpoundforhim,bythislight:afinelittlefieryslave,herunslikea—oh,excellent,excellent!—withtheverysoundofthespur.
Car.How!thesoundofthespur?
Fast.O,it'syouronlyhumournowextant,sir;agoodgingle,agoodgingle.
Car.S'blood!youshallseehimturnmorrice-dancer,hehasgothimbells,agoodsuit,andahobby-horse.
Sog.Signior,nowyoutalkofahobby-horse,Iknowwhereoneiswillnotbegivenforabraceofangels.
Fast.Howisthat,sir?
Sog.Marry,sir,Iamtellingthisgentlemanofahobby-horse;itwasmyfather'sindeed,and,thoughIsayit—
Car.Thatshouldnotsayit—on,on.
Sog.Hediddanceinit,withasgoodhumourandasgoodregardasanymanofhisdegreewhatsoever,beingnogentleman:Ihavedanc'dinitmyselftoo.
Car.Notsincethehumourofgentilitywasuponyou,didyou?
Sog.Yes,once;marry,thatwasbuttoshewwhatagentlemanmightdoinahumour.
Car.O,verygood.
Mit.Why,thisfellow'sdiscoursewerenothingbutforthewordhumour.
Cor.0bearwithhim;anheshouldlackmatterandwordstoo,'twerepitiful.
Sog.Nay,lookyou,sir,there'sne'eragentlemaninthecountryhasthelikehumours,forthehobby-horse,asIhave;Ihavethemethodforthethreadingoftheneedleandall,the—
Car.How,themethod?
Sog.Ay,theleigerityforthat,andthewhighhie,andthedaggersinthenose,andthetravelsoftheeggfromfingertofinger,andallthehumoursincidenttothequality.Thehorsehangsathomeinmyparlour.I'llkeepitforamonumentaslongasIlive,sure.
Car.Doso;andwhenyoudie,'twillbeanexcellenttrophytohangoveryourtomb.
Sog.Mass,andI'llhaveatomb,nowIthinkon't;'tisbutsomuchcharges.
Car.Bestbuilditinyourlifetimethen,yourheirsmayhaptoforgetitelse.
Sog.Nay,Imeanso,I'llnottrusttothem.
Car.No,forheirsandexecutorsaregrowndamnablecareless,'speciallysincetheghostsoftestatorsleftwalking.—Howlikeyouhim,signior?
Fast.'Foreheavens,hishumourarridesmeexceedingly.
Car.Arridesyou!
Fast.Ay,pleasesme:apoxon't!Iamsohauntedatthecourt,andatmylodging,withyourrefinedchoicespirits,thatitmakesmecleanofanothergarb,anothersheaf,Iknownothow!Icannotframemetoyourharshvulgarphrase,'tisa^-mstmygenius.
Sog.SigniorCarlo![Take*him«.sW.
Cor.Thisisright.t<>fhnt<>fUuni<->,Dunivilantstultivitia,incontrariacurrant;*<>////••>•gaUant,Inhmirin'ji»<n-<>i<lj»>[>u!nriti/,f<iflxiutnahabitofaffectation,tentliousarvl//'//<<.sJmti'fnllrrthintheformer.
Car.[pointingtoFastidious.}Who,he?agull,afool,nosaltinhimi'theearth,man;helookslikeafreshsalmonkeptinatub;
he'llbespentshortly.Hisbrain'slighterthanhisfeatheralready,andhistonguemoresubjecttolye,thanthatistowag;hesleepswithamusk-cateverynight,andwalksalldayhang'dinpomanderchainsforpenance;hehashisskintann'dincivet,tomakehiscomplexionstrong,andthesweetnessofhisyouthlastinginthesenseofhissweetlady;agoodemptypuff,helovesyouwell,signior.
Sog.Thereshallbenolovelost,sir,I'llassureyou.
Fast,[advancingtothem.]Nay,Carlo,Iamnothappyinthylove,Isee:praytheesuffermetoenjoythycompanyalittle,sweetmischief:bythisair,Ishallenvythisgentleman'splaceinthyaffections,ifyoubethusprivate,i'faith.
EnterCINEDO.
Hownow!Istheknightarrived?
Gin.No,sir,but'tisguess'dhewillarrivepresently,byhisforerunners.
Fast.Hishounds!byMinerva,anexcellentfigure;agoodboy.
Car.YoushouldgivehimaFrenchcrownforit;theboywouldfindtwobetterfiguresinthat,andagoodfigureofyourbountybeside.
Fast.Tut,theboywantsnocrowns.
Car.Nocrown;speakinthesingularnumber,andwe'llbelieveyou.
Fast.Nay,thouartsocapriciouslyconceitednow.Sirrahdamnation,IhaveheardthisknightPuntarvoloreportedtobeagentlemanofexceedinggoodhumour,thouknow'sthim;prithee,howishisdisposition?Ineverwassofavouredofmystars,astoseehimyet.Boy,doyoulooktothehobby?
Cin.Ay,sir,thegroomhassethimup.
[AsCinedoisgoingout,Sogliardotakeshimaside.
Fast.'Tiswell:Iridoutofmywayofintenttovisithim,and
takeknowledgeofhisNay,goodWickedness,hishumour,his
humour.
Car.Why,helovesdogs,andhawks,andhiswifewell;hehasagoodridingface,andhecansitagreathorse;hewilltaintastaffwellattilt;whenheismountedhelookslikethesignoftheGeorge,that'sallIknow;save,thatinsteadofadragon,hewillbrandishagainstatree,andbreakhisswordasconfidentlyupontheknottybark,astheotherdiduponthescalesofthebeast.
Fast.0,butthisisnothingtothat'sdeliveredofhim.Theysayhehasdialoguesanddiscoursesbetweenhishorse,himself,andhisdog;andthathewillcourthisownlady,asshewereastrangerneverencounter'dbefore.
Car.Ay,thathewill,andmakefreshlovetohereverymorning;thisgentlemanhasbeenaspectatorofit,SigniorInsulso.
Sog.Iamresolutetokeepapage.—Sayyou,sir?
[LeapsfromwhisperingwithCinedo.
Car.YouhaveseenSigniorPuntarvoloaccosthislady?
EveryManOutofHisHumour79
Sog.O,ay,sir.
Fast.Andhowisthemannerofit,prithee,goodsignior?
Sog.Faith,sir,inverygoodsort;hehashishumoursforit,sir;asfirst,(supposehewerenowtocomefromridingorhunting,orso,)hehashistrumpettosound,andthenthewaiting-gentlewomanshe
looksout,andthenhespeaks,andthenshespeaks,verypretty,
i'faith,gentlemen.
Fast.Why,butdoyouremembernoparticulars,signior?
Sog.0,yes,sir,first,thegentlewoman,shelooksoutatthewindow.
Car.Afterthetrumpethassummon'daparle,notbefore?
Sog.No,sir,notbefore;andthensayshe,—ha,ha,ha,ha!
Car.Whatsayshe?benotraptso.
Soy.Sayshe,—ha,ha,ha,ha!
Fast.Nay,speak,speak.
Sog.Ha,ha,ha!—sayshe,Godsaveyou,sayshe;—ha,ha!
Car.Wasthistheridiculousmotivetoallthispassion?
Sog.Nay,thatthatcomesafteris,—ha,ha,ha,ha!
Car.Doubtlessheapprehendsmorethanheutters,thisfellow;orelse—[Acryofhoundswithin.
Sog.List,list,theyarecomefromhunting;standby,closeunderthisterras,andyoushallseeitdonebetterthanIcanshowit.
Car.Soithadneed,'twillscarcepoisetheobservationelse.
Sog.Faith,Irememberall,butthemannerofitisquiteoutofmyhead.
Fast.O,withdraw,withdraw,itcannotbebutamostpleasingobject.[Theystandaside.
EnterPTJNTARVOLO,followedbyhisHuntsmanleadinga
greyhound.
Punt.Forester,givewiodtothyhorn.—Enough;bythisthesoundhathtouch'dtheearsoftheinclos'd:depart,leavethedog,andtakewiththeewhatthouhastdeserved,thehornandthanks.
[ExitHuntsman.
Car.Ay,marry,thereissometasteinthis.
Fast.Is'tnotgood?
Sog.Ah,peace;nowabove,nowabove!
[AWaiting-gentlewomanappear*atthewindow.
Punt.Stay;mineeyehath,ontheinstant,throughthebountyofthewindow,receivedtheformofanymph.Iwillstepforwardthreepaces;ofthewhich,Iwillbarelyretireone;and,aftersomelittleflexureoftheknee,withanerectedgracesaluteher;one,two,andthree!Sweetlady,Godsaveyou!
Gent,[above.]No,forsooth;Iambutthewaiting-gentlewoman.
Car.Heknewthatbefore.
Punt.Pardonme:humanumesterrare.
Car.Helearn'dthatofhischaplain.
Punt.Totheperfectionofcompliment(whichisthedialofthethought,andguidedbythesunofyourbeauties,)arerequiredthese
threespecials;thegnomon,thepuntilios,andthesuperficies:thesuperficiesisthatwecallplace;thepuntilios,circumstance;andthegnomon,ceremony;ineitherofwhich,forastrangertoerr,'tiseasyandfacile;andsuchamI.
Car.True,notknowingherhorizon,hemustneedserr;whichIfearheknowstoowell.
Punt.Whatcallyouthelordofthecastle,sweetface?
Gent,[above.]Thelordofthecastleisaknight,sir;signiorPuntarvolo.
Punt.Puntarvolo!O—
Car.Nowmustheruminate.
Fast.Doesthewenchknowhimallthiswhile,then?
Car.0,doyouknowme,man?why,thereinliesthesyrupofthejest;it'saproject,adesignmentofhisown,athingstudied,andrehearstasordinarilyathiscomingfromhawkingorhunting,asajigafteraplay.
Sog.Ay,e'enlikeyourjig,sir.
Punt.'Tisamostsumptuousandstatelyedifice!Ofwhatyearsistheknight,fairdamsel?
Gent.Faith,muchaboutyouryears,sir.
Punt.Whatcomplexion,orwhatstaturebearshe?
Gent.Ofyourstature,andverynearuponyourcomplexion.
Punt.Mineismelancholy,—
Car.Soisthedog's,just.
Punt.Anddothargueconstancy,chieflyinlove.Whatarehisendowments?ishecourteous?
Gent.O,themostcourteousknightinChristianland,sir.
Punt.Ishemagnanimous?
Gent.Astheskinbetweenyourbrows,sir.
Punt.Ishebountiful?
Car.'Slud,hetakesaninventoryofhisowngoodparts.
Gent.Bountiful!ay,sir,Iwouldyoushouldknowit;thepoorareservedathisgate,earlyandlate,sir.
Punt.Ishelearned?
Gent.0,ay,sir,hecanspeaktheFrenchandItalian.
Punt.Thenhehastravelled?
Gent.Ay,forsooth,hehathbeenbeyondseasonceortwice.
Car.AsfarasParis,tofetchoverafashion,andcomebackagain.
Punt.Ishereligious?
Gent.Religious!Iknownotwhatyoucallreligious,buthegoestochurch,Iamsure.
Fast.'Slid,methinkstheseanswersshouldoffendhim.
Car.Tut,no;heknowstheyareexcellent,andtohercapacitythatspeaksthem.
Punt.WouldImightbutseehisface!
Car.Sheshouldletdownaglassfromthewindowatthatword,andrequesthimtolookin't.
Punt.Doubtlessthegentlemanismostexact,andabsolutelyqualified;doththecastlecontainhim?
EveryManOutofHisHumour81
Gent.No,sir,heisfromhome,buthisladyiswithin.
Punt.Hislady!what,isshefair,splendidious,andamiable?
Gent.O,Lord,sir.
Punt.Prithee,dearnymph,intreatherbeautiestoshineonthissideofthebuilding.[Exit\Vailing-gentlewomanfromthewindow.
Car.Thathemayerectanewdialofcompliment,withhisgnomonsandhispuntilios.
Fast.Nay,thouartsuchanothercynicnow,amanhadneedwalkuprightlybeforethee.
Car.Heart,cananymanwalkmoreuprightthanhedoes?Look,look;asifhewentinaframe,orhadasuitofwainscoton:andthedogwatchinghim,lestheshouldleapouton't.
Fast.O,villain!
Car.Well,ane'erImeethiminthecity,I'llhavehimjointed,I'llpawnhiminEastcheap,amongthebutchers,else.
Fast.Peace;whobethese,Carlo?
EnterSORDIDOandFTJNGOSO.
Sord.Yonder'syourgodfather;doyourdutytohim,son.
Sog.This,sir?apoorelderbrotherofmine,sir,ayeoman,maydispendsomesevenoreighthundredayear;that'shisson,mynephew,there.
Punt.Youarenotillcome,neighbourSordido,thoughIhavenotyetsaid,well-come;what,mygodsonisgrownagreatproficientbythis.
Sord.Ihopehewillgrowgreatoneday,sir.
Fast.Whatdoeshestudy?thelaw?
Sog.Ay,sir,heisagentleman,thoughhisfatherbebutayeoman.
Car.Whatcallyouyournephew,signior?
Sog.Marry,hisnameisFungoso.
Car.Fungoso!O,helook'dsomewhatlikeasponireinthatpink'dyellowdoublet,methought;well,makemuchofhim;Iseeliewasneverborntorideuponamule.
Gent,[reappearsatthewindow.]Myladywillcomepresently,sir.
Sog.0,now,now!
Punt.Standby,retireyourselvesaspace;nay,prayyou,forgetnottheuseofyourhat;theairispiercing.
[SordidoandFungosoirilfntrair.
Fa*t.What!willnottheirpresenceprevailagainstthecurrentofhishumour?
Car.O,no;it'samereflood,atorrentcarriesallaforeit.
[/,'/'/'/1'unfitrro/ii<i]>i><'(jrx(itt/t<
Punt.Whatmorethanheavenlypulchritude-isthis,Whatmagazine,ortreasuryofbliss?I);i7./Je,youorganstomyopticsense,Toviewacreatureofsucheminence:0,Iamplanet-struck,andinyonsphereAbrighterstarthan\Vnus<l<>thappear!Fast.How!inverse!
Car.Anextacy,anextacy,man.
LadyP.[above.}Isyourdesiretospeakwithme,sirknight?
Car.Hewilltellyouthatanon;neitherhisbrainnorhisbodyareyetmouldedforananswer.
Punt.Mostdebonair,andluculentlady,Ideclinemeaslowasthebasisofyouraltitude.
Cor.Hemakescongiestohisivifeingeometricalproportions.]\Iit.Isitpossibletheresliouldbeanysuchhumourist?Cor.Veryeasilypossible,sir,youseethereis.
Punt.Ihavescarcecollectedmyspirits,butlatelyscatteredintheadmirationofyourform;towhich,ifthebountiesofyourmindbeanywayresponsible,Idoubtnotbutmydesiresshallfindasmoothandsecurepassage.Iamapoorknight-errant,lady,thathuntingintheadjacentforest,was,byadventure,inthepursuitofahart,broughttothisplace;whichhart,dearmadam,escapedbyenchantment:theeveningapproaching,myselfandservantwearied,mysuitis,toenteryourfaircastleandrefreshme.
Lady.Sirknight,albeititbenotusualwithme,chieflyintheabsenceofahusband,toadmitanyentrancetostrangers,yetinthetrueregardofthoseinnatedvirtues,andfairparts,whichsostrivetoexpressthemselves,inyou;Iamresolvedtoentertainyoutothebestofmyunworthypower;whichIacknowledgetobenothing,valuedwithwhatsoworthyapersonmaydeserve.PleaseyoubutstaywhileIdescend.[Exitfromthewindow.
Punt.Mostadmiredlady,youastonishme.
[WalksasidewithSordidoandhisson.
Car.What!withspeakingaspeechofyourownpenning?
Fast.Nay,look;prithee,peace.
Car.Poxon't!Iamimpatientofsuchfoppery.
Fast.0letusheartherest.
Car.What!atediouschapterofcourtship,aftersirLancelotandqueenGuenever?Away!Imarieinwhatdullcoldnookhefoundthisladyout;that,beingawoman,shewasblestwithnomorecopyofwitbuttoservehishumourthus.'Slud,Ithinkhefeedsherwithporridge,I:shecouldneverhavesuchathickbrainelse.
Sog.Why,isporridgesohurtful,signior?
Car.0,nothingunderheavenmoreprejudicialtothoseascendingsubtlepowers,ordothsoonerabatethatwhichwecallacumeningenii,thanyourgrossfare:Why,I'llmakeyouaninstance;yourcity-wives,butobserve'em,youhavenotmoreperfecttruefoolsintheworldbredthantheyaregenerally;andyetyousee,bythefinenessanddelicacyoftheirdiet,divingintothefatcapons,drinkingyourrichwines,feedingonlarks,sparrows,potato-pies,andsuchgoodunctuousmeats,howtheirwitsarerefinedandrarified;andsometimesaveryquintessenceofconceitflowsfromthem,abletodrownaweakapprehension.
EveryManOutofHisHumour83
EnterLadyPUNTARVOLOandherWaiting-woman.
Fast.Peace,herecomesthelady.
Lady.Gad'sme,here'scompany!turninagain.
[Exitwithherwoman.
Fast.'Slight,ourpresencehascutofftheconvoyofthejest.
Car.Allthebetter,Iamgladon't;fortheissuewasveryperspicuous.Comelet'sdiscover,andsalutetheknight.
[Theycomeforward.
Punt.Stay;whobethesethataddressthemselvestowardsus?WhatCarlo!Nowbythesincerityofmysoul,welcome;welcome,gentlemen:andhowdostthou,thouGrandScourge,orSecondUntrussofthetime?
Car.Faith,spendingmymetalinthisreelingworld(hereandthere),astheswayofmyaffectioncarriesme,andperhapsstumbleuponayeoman-feuterer,asIdonow;oroneoffortune'smules,ladenwithtreasure,andanemptycloak-bag,followinghim,gapingwhenabagwilluntie.
Punt.Peace,youbandog,peace!WhatbriskNymphadoroisthatinthewhitevirgin-bootthere?
Car.Marry,sir,onethatImustintreatyoutotakeaveryparticularknowledgeof,andwithmorethanordinaryrespect;monsieurFastidious.
Punt.Sir,Icouldwish,thatforthetimeofyourvouchsafedabidinghere,andmorerealentertainment,thismyhousestoodontheMuseshill,andthesemyorchardswerethoseoftheHesperides.
Fast.Ipossessasmuchinyourwish,sir,asifIweremadelordoftheIndies;andIprayyoubelieveit.
Car.Ihaveabetteropinionofhisfaith,thantothinkitwillbesocorrupted.
Sog.Come,brother,I'llbringyouacquaintedwithgentlemen,andgoodfellows,suchasshalldoyoumoregracethan—
Sord.Brother,Ihungernotforsuchacquaintance:Doyoutakeheed,lest—[Carlocomestowardthem.
Sog.Husht!Mybrother,sir,forwantofeducation,sir,somewhatnoddingtotheboor,theclown;butIrequestyouinprivate,sir.
Fung,[lookingatFastidiousBrisk.]Byheaven,itisaveryfinesuitofclothes.[As
Cor.Doyouobservethat,signior?There'sanotherhumourhasnew-crack'dtheshell.
Mit.What!lieisenamouredofthefashion,ishe?Cor.0,youforestallthejest.
Fung.Imariewhatitmightstandhimin.[Aside.
Sog.Nephew!
Fung.'Foreme,it'sanexcellentsuit,andasneatlybecomeshim.[Aside.]—Whatsaidyou,uncle?
Sog.Whensawyoumyniece?
Fung.Marry,yesternightIsupp'dthere.—Thatkindofbootdoesveryraretoo.[Aside.
Sog.Andwhatnewshearyou?
Fung.Thegiltspurandall!WouldIwerehang'd,but'tisexceedinggood.[Aside.]—Sayyou,uncle?
Sog.Yourmindiscarriedawaywithsomewhatelse:Iaskwhatnewsyouhear?
Fung.Troth,wehearnone.—Ingoodfaith[lookingatFastidiousBrisk]Iwasneversopleasedwithafashion,daysofmylife.OanImighthavebutmywish,I'dasknomoreofheavennow,butsuchasuit,suchahat,suchaband,suchadoublet,suchahose,suchaboot,andsucha—[Aside.
Sog.Theysay,there'sanewmotionofthecityofNineveh,withJonasandthewhale,tobeseenatFleet-bridge.Youcantell,cousin?
Fung.Here'ssuchaworldofquestionswithhimnow!—Yes,Ithinktherebesuchathing,Isawthepicture.—Wouldhewouldoncebesatisfied!Letmesee,thedoublet,sayfiftyshillingsthedoublet,andbetweenthreeorfourpoundthehose;thenboots,hat,andband:sometenorelevenpoundwilldoitall,andsuitmefortheheavens![Aside.
Sog.I'llseeallthosedevicesanIcometoLondononce.
Fung.Ods'slid,anIcouldcompassit,'twererare.[Aside.]—Harkyou,uncle.
Sog.Whatsaysmynephew?
Fung.Faith,uncle,Iwouldhavedesiredyoutohavemadeamotionformetomyfather,inathingthat——Walkaside,andI'lltellyou,sir;nomorebutthis:there'saparceloflawbooks(sometwentypoundsworth)thatlieinaplaceforalittlemorethanhalfthemoneytheycost;andIthink,forsometwelvepound,ortwentymark,Icouldgoneartoredeemthem;there'sPlowden,Dyar,Brooke,andFitz-Herbert,diverssuchasImusthaveerelong;andyouknow,Iwereasgoodsavefiveorsixpound,asnot,uncle.Iprayyou,moveitforme.
Sog.ThatIwill:whenwouldyouhavemedoit?presently?
Fung.O,ay,Iprayyou,gooduncle:[SogliardotakesSordidoaside.]—sendmegoodluck,Lord,an'tbethywill,prosperit!Omystars,now,now,ifittakenow,Iammadeforever.
Fast.ShallItellyou,sir?bythisair,Iamthemostbeholdentothatlord,ofanygentlemanliving;hedoesusemethemosthonourably,andwiththegreatestrespect,moreindeedthancanbeutter'dwithanyopinionoftruth.
Punt.ThenhaveyouthecountGratiato?
Fast.Astruenobleagentlemantooasanybreathes;Iamexceedinglyendear'dtohislove:Bythishand,Iprotesttoyou,signior,Ispeakitnotgloriously,noroutofaffectation,butthere'sheandthecountFrugale,signiorIllustre,signiorLuculento,andasortof'em,thatwhenIamatcourt,theydosharemeamongst
EveryManOutofHisHumour85
them;happyishecanenjoymemostprivate.Idowishmyselfsometimeanubiquitaryfortheirlove,ingoodfaith.
Car.There'sne'eraoneofthesebutmightlieaweekontherack,eretheycouldbringforthhisname;andyethepoursthemoutasfamiliarly,asifhehadseenthemstandbythefireinthepresence,orta'entobaccowiththemoverthestage,inthelord'sroom.
Punt.Thenyoumustofnecessityknowourcourt-starthere,thatplanetofwit,madonaSaviolina?
Fast.OLord,sir,mymistress.
Punt.Issheyourmistress?
Fast.Faith,herebesomeslightfavoursofhers,sir,thatdospeakit,sheis;asthisscarf,sir,orthisribboninmyear,orso;thisfeathergrewinhersweetfansometimes,thoughnowitbemypoorfortunetowearit,asyousee,sir:slight,slight,afoolishtoy.
Punt.Well,sheistheladyofamostexaltedandingeniousspirit.
Fast.Didyoueverhearanywomanspeaklikeher?orenrichedwithamoreplentifuldiscourse?
Car.Ovillainous!nothingbutsound,sound,amereecho;shespeaksasshegoestired,incobweb-lawn,light,thin;goodenoughtocatchflieswithal.
Punt.Omanageyouraffections.
Fast.Well,ifthoube'stnotplaguedforthisblasphemyoneday—
Punt.Come,regardnotajester:Itisinthepowerofmypursetomakehimspeakwellorillofme.
Fast.Sir,Iaffirmittoyouuponmycreditandjudgment,shehasthemostharmoniousandmusicalstrainofwitthatevertemptedatrueear;andyettosee!—arudetonguewouldprofaneheaven,ifitcould.
Punt.Iamnotignorantofit,sir.
Fast.Oh,itflowsfromherlikenectar,andshedothgiveitthatsweetquickgrace,andexornationinthecomposure,thatbythisgoodair,asIamanhonestman,wouldImightneverstir,sir,butr-shedoesobserveaspureaphrase,anduseaschoicefiguresinherordinaryconferences,asanybeintheArcadia.
Car.OrratherinGreen'sworks,whenceshemaystealwithmoresecurity.
Sord.Well,iftenpoundwillfetch'em,youshallhaveit;butrilpartwithnomore,
Fung.I'lltrywhatthatwilldo,ifyouplease.
!<<>rd.Doso;andwhenyouhavethem,studyhard.
Fung.Yes,sir.AnIcouldstudytogetfortyshillingsmorenmv!\\V11,Iwillputmyselfintothefashion,asfarasthiswillgo,•ently.
Sord.Iwonderitrainsnot:thealmanacksays,weshouldhaveastoreofrainto-day.{Aside.
Punt.Why,sir,to-morrowIwillassoriateyoutocourtmyself,andfromthencetothecityaboutabusiness,aprojectIhave;Iwillexposeittoyou,sir;Carlo,Iamsurehaslir.inlofit.
Car.What'sthat,sir?
Punt.Idointend,thisyearofjubileecomingon,totravel:andbecauseIwillnotaltogethergouponexpense,Iamdeterminedtoputforthsomefivethousandpound,tobepaidmefiveforone,uponthereturnofmyself,mywife,andmydogfromtheTurk'scourtinConstantinople.Ifalloreitherofusmiscarryinthejourney,'tisgone:ifwebesuccessful,why,therewillbefiveandtwentythousandpoundtoentertaintimewithal.Nay,gonot,neighbourSordido;stayto-night,andhelptomakeoursocietythefuller.Gentlemen,frolic:Carlo!what!dullnow?
Car.Iwasthinkingonyourproject,sir,anyoucallitso.Isthisthedoggoeswithyou?
Punt.Thisisthedog,sir.
Car.Hedoesnotgobarefoot,doeshe?
Punt.Away,youtraitor,away!
Car.Nay,aforeGod,Ispeaksimply;hemayprickhisfootwithathorn,andbeasmuchasthewholeventureisworth.Besides,foradogthatnevertravell'dbefore,it'sahugejourneytoConstantinople.I'lltellyounow,anheweremine,I'dhavesomepresentconferencewithaphysician,whatantidotesweregoodtogivehim,preservativesagainstpoison;forassureyou,ifonceyourmoneybeout,there'llbediversattemptsmadeagainstthelifeofthepooranimal.
Punt.Thouartstilldangerous.
Fast.IssigniorDeliro'swifeyourkinswoman?
Sog.Ay,sir,sheismyniece,mybrother'sdaughterhere,andmynephew'ssister.
Sord.Doyouknowher,sir?
Fast.OLord,sir!signiorDeliro,herhusband,ismymerchant.
Fung.Ay,Ihaveseenthisgentlemanthereoften.
Fast.Icryyoumercy,sir;letmecraveyourname,prayyou.
Fung.Fungoso,sir.
Fast.GoodsigniorFungoso,Ishallrequesttoknowyoubetter,sir.
Fung.Iamherbrother,sir.
Fast.Infairtime,sir.
Punt.Come,gentlemen,Iwillbeyourconduct.
Fast.Nay,prayyou,sir;weshallmeetatsigniorDeliro'soften.
Sog.Youshallhavemeattheherald'soffice,sir,forsomeweekorsoatmyfirstcomingup.Come,Carlo.[Exeunt.
Mit.Methinks,Cordatus,hedweltsomewhattoolongonthisscene;ithunginthehand.
Cor./seenotwherehecouldhaveinsistedless,andtohavemadethehumoursperspicuousenough.
Mit.True,ashissubjectlies;buthemighthavealteredtheshapeofhisargument,andexplicatedthembetterinsinglescenes.
Cor.Thathadbeensingleindeed.Why,betheynotthesamepersonsinthis,astheywouldhavebeen"inthose?andisitnotan
EveryManOutofHisHumour87
objectofmorestate,tobeholdthescenefull,andrelievedwithvarietyofspeakerstotheend,thantoseeavastemptystage,andtheactorscomeinonebyone,asiftheyweredroptdownwithafeatherintotheeyeofthespectators?
Mit.Nay,youarebettertradedwiththesethingsthanI,andthereforeFitsubscribetoyourjudgment;marry,youshallgivemeleavetomakeobjections.
Cor.0,whatelsefitisthespecialintentoftheauthoryoushoulddoso;fortherebyothers,thatarepresent,mayaswellbesatisfied,whohaplywouldobjectthesameyouwoulddo.
Mit.So,sir;butwhenappearsMadlenteagain?
Cor.Marry,hestaysbuttilloursilence,givehimleave:herehecomes,andwithhimsigniorDeliro,amerchantatwhosehouseheiscometosojourn:makeyourownobservationnow,onlytransferyourthoughtstothecity,withthescene:wheresupposetheyspeak.
SCENEII.ARoominDELTRO'SHouse.EnterDELTRO,MACILENTE,andFIDOwithflowersandperfumes.
Deli.I'lltellyoubyandby,sir,—Welcome,goodMacilente,tomyhouse,Tosojournevenforever;ifmybestIncates,andeverysortofgoodentreaty,Maymoveyoustaywithme.[Hecenseth:theboystrewsflowers.
Mad.Ithankyou,sir.—
AndyetthemuffledFates,haditpleasedthem,Mighthavesuppliedmefromtheirownfullstore.Withoutthisword,Ithankyou,toafool.Iseenoreasonwhythatdogcall'dChance,Shouldfawnuponthisfellowmorethanme;Iamaman,andIhavelimbs,flesh,blood,Bones,sinews,andasoul,aswellashe:.Mypartsareeverywayasgoodashis;IfIsaidbetter,why,Ididnotlie.Xath'less,hiswealth,butnoddingonmywants,Mustmakemebow,andcry,/thankyou,sir.[Aside.
Deli.Dispatch!takeheedyourmistressseeyounot.
Fido.Iwarrantyou,sir,I'llstealbyhersoftly.[Exit.
Deli.Xay,gentlefriend,bemerry;raiseyourlooksOutofyourbosom:Iprotest,byheaven,Youarethemanmostwelcomeintheworld.
Mad.Ithankyou,sir.—Iknowmycue,Ithink.[Aside.
Re-enterFIDO,withmorepcrfnmfsandflowers.
Fido.Wherewillyouhavethemburn,sir?Deli.Here,goodFido.What,shedidnotseethce?Fido.No,sir.Deli.Thatiswell
Strew,strew,goodFido,thefreshestflowers;so!
Mad.Whatmeansthis,signiorDeliro?allthiscensing?Deli.Castinmorefrankincense,yetmore;wellsaid.—
0Macilente,Ihavesuchawife!
Sopassingfair!sopassing-fair-unkind!Butofsuchworth,andrighttobeunkind,Sincenomancanbeworthyofherkindness—
Mad.What,cantherenot?
Deli.No,thatisassureasdeath,Nomanalive.Idonotsay,isnot,Butcannotpossiblybeworthherkindness,Nay,itiscertain,letmedoherright.How,saidI?doherright!asthoughIcould,Asthoughthisdull,grosstongueofminecouldutterTherare,thetrue,thepure,theinfiniterights,Thatsit,ashighasIcanlook,withinher!
Mad.Thisissuchdotageaswasneverheard.
Deli.Well,thismustneedsbegranted.
Mad.Granted,quothyou?
Deli.Nay,Macilente,donotsodiscreditThegoodnessofyourjudgmenttodenyit.ForIdospeaktheveryleastofher:AndIwouldcrave,andbegnomoreofHeaven,Forallmyfortuneshere,buttobeableToutterfirstinfitterms,whatsheis,AndthenthetruejoysIconceiveinher.
Mad.Is'tpossiblesheshoulddeservesowell,Asyoupretend?
Deli.Ay,andsheknowssowellHerowndeserts,that,whenIstrivet'enjoythem,SheweighsthethingsIdo,withwhatshemerits;And,seeingmyworthout-weigh'dsoinhergraces,Sheissosolemn,soprecise,sofroward,ThatnoobservanceIcandotoherCanmakeherkindtorne:ifshefindfault,
1mendthatfault;andthenshesays,Ifaulted,ThatIdidmendit.Now,goodfriend,adviseme,HowImaytemperthisstrangespleeninher.
Mad.Youaretooamorous,tooobsequious,Andmakehertooassuredshemaycommandyou.Whenwomendoubtmostoftheirhusbands'loves,Theyaremostloving.HusbandsmusttakeheedTheygivenoglutsofkindnesstotheirwives,Butusethemliketheirhorses;whomtheyfeedNotwithamangerfulofmeattogether,Buthalfapeckatonce;andkeepthemsoStillwithanappetitetothattheygivethem.Hethatdesirestohavealovingwife,Mustbridlealltheshowofthatdesire:
EveryManOutofHisHumour89
Bekind,notamorous;norbewrayingkindness,Asiflovewroughtit,butconsiderateduty.Offernoloverites,butletwivesstillseekthem,Forwhentheycomeunsought,theyseldomlikethem.
Deli.Believeme,Macilente,thisisgospel.O,thatamanwerehisownmansomuch,Torulehimselfthus.Iwillstrive,i'faith,Tobemorestrangeandcareless;yetIhopeIhavenowtakensuchaperfectcourse,Tomakeherkindtome,andlivecontented,ThatIshallfindmykindnesswellreturn'd,Andhavenoneedtofightwithmyaffections.ShelatehathfoundmuchfaultwitheveryroomWithinmyhouse;onewastoobig,shesaid,Anotherwasnotfurnish'dtohermind,Andsothroughall;allwhich,now,Ihavealter'd.Thenhere,shehathaplace,onmyback-side,Whereinshelovestowalk;andthat,shesaid,Hadsomeillsmellsaboutit:now,thiswalkHaveI,beforesheknowsit,thusperfumedWithherbs,andflowers;andlaidindiversplaces,As'twereonaltarsconsecratetoher,Perfumedgloves,anddelicatechainsofamber,Tokeeptheairinaweofhersweetnostrils:ThishaveIdone,andthisIthinkwillpleaseher.Behold,shecomes.
EnterFALLACE.
Fal.Here'sasweetstinkindeed!What,shallIeverbethuscrostandplagued.Andsickofhusband?0,myheaddothache,Asitwouldcleaveasunder,withthesesavours!Allmyroomsalter'd,andbutonepoorwalkThatIdelightedin,andthatismadeSofulsomewithperfumes,thatIamfear'd,Mybraindothsweatso,Ihavecaughtthepla«_nie!
Deli.Why,gentlewife,isnowthywalktoos\\rt:t?Thousaid'stoflate,ithadsourairsaboutit,Andfound'stmuchfaultthatIdidnotcorrectit.
Fal.Why,anIdidiindfault,.sir?
Deli.Nay,dearwife,
Iknowthouhastsaidthouhastlovedperfumes,Xowomanbetter.
Fal.Ay,longsince,perhaps;
Butnowthatsenseisalter'd:youwouldhaveme,Liketoapuddle,orastandingpoo],Tohavenomotion,norno.spiritwithinme.Xo,Iamlikeapureandsprightlyriver,Thatmoves
forever,andyetstillthesame;
Orfire,thatburnsmuchwood,yetstilloneflame.
Deli.Butyesterday,Isawtheeatourgarden,Smellingonroses,andonpurpleflowers;Andsince,Ihope,thehumourofthysenseIsnothingchanged.
Fed.Why,thoseweregrowingflowers,Andthesewithinmywalkarecutandstrewed.
Deli.Butyettheyhaveonescent.
Fal.Ay!havetheyso?
Inyourgrossjudgment.IfyoumakenodifferenceBetwixtthescentofgrowingflowersandcutones,Youhaveasensetotastelampoil,i'faith:Andwithsuchjudgmenthaveyouchangedthechambers,Leavingnoroom,thatIcanjoytobein,Inallyourhouse;andnowmywalk,andall,Yousmokemefrom,asifIwereafox,Andlong,belike,todrivemequiteaway:Well,walkyouthere,andI'llwalkwhereIlist.
Deli.WhatshallIdo?O,Ishallneverpleaseher.
Mad.Outonthee,dotard!whatstarruledhisbirth,ThatbroughthimsuchaStar?blindFortunestillBestowshergiftsonsuchascannotusethem:HowlongshallIlive,ereIbesohappyTohaveawifeofthisexceedingform?[Aside.
Deli.Awaywith'em!wouldIhadbrokeajointWhenIdevisedthis,thatshouldsodislikeher.Away,bearallaway.[ExitFido,withflowers,etc.
Fal.Ay,do;forfear
Aughtthatisthereshouldlikeher.O,thisman,Howcunninglyhecanconcealhimself,Asthoughheloved,nay,honour'dandador'd!—
Deli.Why,mysweetheart?
Fal.Sweetheart!0,betterstill!Andasking,why?wherefore?andlookingstrangely,Asifhewereaswhiteasinnocence!Alas,you'resimple,you:youcannotchange,Lookpaleatpleasure,andthenredwithwonder;No,no,notyou!'tispityo'yournaturals.Ididbutcastanamorouseye,e'ennow,Uponapairofglovesthatsomewhatlikedme,Andstraighthenotedit,andgavecommandAllshouldbeta'enaway.
Deli.Betheymybanethen!What,sirrah,Fido,bringinthoseglovesagainYoutookfromhence.
Fal.'Sbody,sir,butdonot:Bringinnoglovestospiteme;ifyoudo—
Ddi.Ayme,mostwretched;howamImisconstrued!
Mad.0,howshetemptsmyheart-stringswithhereye,
EveryManOutofHisHumour91
Toknitthemtoherbeauties,ortobreak!
Whatmov'dtheheavens,thattheycouldnotmake
Mesuchawoman!butaman,abeast,
Thathathnoblisslikeothers?Wouldtoheaven,
Inwreakofmymisfortunes,Iwereturn'd
Tosomefairwater-nymph,that,setupon
Thedeepestwhirl-pitoftherav'nousseas,
Myadamantineeyesmightheadlonghale
Thisironworldtome,anddrownitall.[Aside.
Cor.Behold,behold,thetranslatedgallant.Mit.0,heiswelcome.
EnterFUNGOSO,apparelledlikeFASTIDIOUSBRISK.
Fung.Saveyou,brotherandsister;saveyou,sir!Ihavecommendationsforyououto'thecountry.Iwondertheytakenoknowledgeofmysuit:[Aside.]—MineuncleSogliardoisintown.Sister,methinksyouaremelancholy;whyareyousosad?IthinkyoutookmeforMasterFastidiousBrisk,sister,didyounot?
Fal.WhyshouldItakeyouforhim?
Fung.Nay,nothing.—IwaslatelyinMasterFastidious'scompany,andmethinksweareverylike.
Deli.Youhaveafairsuit,brother,'giveyoujoyon't.
Fung.Faith,goodenoughtoridein,brother;Imadeittoridein.
Fal.O,nowIseethecauseofhisidledemandwashisnewsuit.
Deli.Prayyou,goodbrother,tryifyoucanchangehermood.
Fung.Iwarrantyou,letmealone:I'llputheroutofherdumps.Sister,howlikeyoumysuit!
Fal.0,youareagallantinprintnow,brother.
Fung.Faith,howlikeyouthefashion?itisthelastedition,Iassureyou.
Fal.Icannotbutlikeittothedesert.
Fung.Troth,sister,Iwasfaintoborrowthesespurs,Ihaveleftmygowningageforthem,prayyoulendmeanangel.
Fal.Now,beshrewmyheartthen.
Fung.Goodtruth,I'llpayyouagainatmynextexhibition.Ihadbutbaretenpoundofmyfather,anditwouldnotreachtoputmewhollyintothefashion.
Fal.Icarenot.
Fung.Ihadspursofmineownbefore,buttheywerenotginglers.MonsieurFastidiouswillbehereanon,sister.
Fal.Youjest!
Fung.Neverlendmepennymorewhileyoulivethen;andthatI'dbelothtosay,intruth.
Fal.Whendidyouseehim?
Fung.Yesterday;IcameacquaintedwithhimatSirPuntar-volo's:nay,sweetsister.
Mad.Ifainwouldknowofheavennow.whyyondf<>»!Shouldwearasuitofsatin?lie'!thatr<>>k,
Thatpaintedjay.withsuchadealofoutside:
Whatishisinside,trow?ha,ha,ha,ha,ha!
Goodheaven,givemepatience,patience,patience.
Anumberofthesepopinjaysthereare,
Whom,ifamanconfer,andbutexamine
Theirinwardmerit,withsuchmenaswant;
Lord,lord,whatthingstheyare![Aside.
Fal.[Giveshimmoney.}Come,whenwillyoupaymeagain,now?
Fung.0lord,sister!
Mad.Herecomesanother.
EnterFASTIDIOUSBRISK,inanewsuit.
Fast.Saveyou,signiorDeliro!Howdostthou,sweetlady?letmekissthee.
Fung.How!anewsuit?ahme!
Deli.AndhowdoesmasterFastidiousBrisk?
Fast.Faith,liveincourt,signiorDeliro;ingrace,IthankGod,bothofthenoblemasculineandfeminine.Imustspeakwithyouinprivatebyandby.
Deli.Whenyouplease,sir.
Fal.Whylookyousopale,brother?
Fung.'Slid,allthismoneyiscastawaynow.
Mad.Ay,there'sanewereditioncomeforth.
Fung.'Tisbutmyhardfortune!well,I'llhavemysuitchanged,I'llgofetchmytailorpresentlybutfirst,I'lldevisealettertomyfather.Haveyouanypenandink,sister?
Fal.Whatwouldyoudowithal?
Fung.Iwoulduseit.'Slight,anithadcomebutfourdayssooner,thefashion.[Exit.
Fast.Therewasacountessgavemeherhandtokissto-day,
i'thepresence:didmemoregoodbythatlightthanand
yesternightsenthercoachtwicetomylodging,tointreatmeaccompanyher,andmysweetmistress,withsometwoorthreenamelessladiesmore:O,Ihavebeengracedbythembeyondallaimofaffection:thisishergartermydaggerhangsin:andtheydosocommendandapprovemyapparel,withmyjudiciouswearingofit,it'sabovewonder.
Fal.Indeed,sir,'tisamostexcellentsuit,andyoudowearitasextraordinary.
Fast.Why,I'lltellyounow,ingoodfaith,andbythischair,which,bythegraceofGod,Iintendpresentlytositin,Ihadthreesuitsinoneyearmadethreegreatladiesinlovewithme:Ihadotherthree,undidthreegentlemeninimitation:andotherthreegatthreeothergentlemenwidowsofthreethousandpoundayear.
Deli.Is'tpossible?
Fast.0,believeit,sir;yourgoodfaceisthewitch,andyourapparelthespells,thatbringallthepleasuresoftheworldintotheircircle.
Fal.Ah,thesweetgraceofacourtier!
EveryManOutofHisHumour93
Mad.Well,wouldmyfatherhadleftmebutagoodfaceformyportionyet!thoughIhadsharedtheunfortunatewitthatgoeswithit,Ihadnotcared;Imighthavepassedforsomewhatintheworldthen.
Fast.Why,assureyou,signior,richapparelhasstrangevirtues:itmakeshimthathathitwithoutmeans,esteemedforanexcellentwit:hethatenjoysitwithmeans,putstheworldinremembranceofhismeans:ithelpsthedeformitiesofnature,andgiveslustretoherbeauties;makescontinualholidaywhereitshines;setsthewitsofladiesatwork,thatotherwisewouldbeidle;furnishethyourtwo-shillingordinary;takespossessionofyourstageatyournewplay;andenrichethyouroars,asscorningtogowithyourscull.
Mad.Prayyou,sir,addthis;itgivesrespecttoyourfools,makesmanythieves,asmanystrumpets,andnofewerbankrupts.
Fal.Out,out!unworthytospeakwherehebreatheth.
Fast.What'she,signior?
Deli.Afriendofmine,sir.
Fast.ByheavenIwonderatyoucitizens,whatkindofcreaturesyouare!
Deli.Why,sir?
Fast.Thatyoucanconsortyourselveswithsuchpoorseam-rentfellows.
Fal.Hesaystrue.
Deli.Sir,Iwillassureyou,howeveryouesteemofhim,he'samanworthyofregard.
Fast.Why,whathasheinhimofsuchvirtuetoberegarded,ha?
Deli.Marry,heisascholar,sir.
Fast.Nothingelse!
Deli.Andheiswelltravell'd.
Fast.Heshouldgethimclothes;Iwouldcherishthosegoodpartsoftravelinhim,andpreferhimtosomenoblemanofgoodplace.
Deli.Sir,suchabenefitshouldbindmetoyouforever,inmyfriend'sright;andIdoubtnot,buthisdesertshallmorethananswermypraise.
Fast.Why,anhehadgoodclothes,I'dcarryhimtocourtwithmeto-morrow.
Deli.Heshallnotwantforthose,sir,ifgoldandthewholecitywillfurnishhim.
Fast.Yousaywell,sir:faith,sLrni<>rDeliro,Iamcometohnvryouplaythealchemistwitlime,andchangethespeciesofmylandintothatmetalyoutalkof.
Deli.Withallmyheart,sir;whatsum\\illserveyou?
/•''/.-•/.I-'aith,somethreeorfourhundred.
Deli.Troth,sir,Ihavepromisedt«.rm-i-ta<_r":itl''TnanthismorninginPaul's,butuponmyreturnI'lldispatchyou.
Fast.I'llaccompanyyouthither.
Deli.Asyouplease,sir;butIjjonotthitherdirectly.
Fast.'Tisnomatter,Ihavenootherdesignmentinhand,andthereforeasgoodgoalong.
Deli.Iwereasgoodhaveaquartainfeverfollowmenow,forIshallne'erberidofhim.Bringmeacloakthere,one.Still,uponhisgraceatcourt,Iamsuretobevisited;Iwasabeasttogivehimanyhope.Well,wouldIwerein,thatIamoutwithhimonce,
andCome,signiorMacilente,Imustconferwithyou,aswego.
Nay,dearwife,Ibeseechthee,forsakethesemood,*:looknotlikewinterthus.Here,takemykeys,openmycounting-houses,spreadallmywealthbeforethee,chooseanyobjectthatdelightsthee:ifthouwilteatthespiritofgold,anddrinkdissolvedpearlinwine,'tisforthee.
Fal.So,sir!
Deli.Nay,mysweetwife.
Fal.Goodlord,howyouareperfumedinyourtermsandall!prayyouleaveus.
Deli.Come,gentlemen.
Fast.Adieu,sweetlady.[ExeuntallbutFallace.
Fal.Ay,ay!letthywordseversoundinmineears,andthygracesdispersecontentmentthroughallmysenses!0,howhappyisthatladyaboveotherladies,thatenjoyssoabsoluteagentlemantoherservant!Acountessgiveshimherhandtokiss:ah,foolishcountess!he'samanworthy,ifawomanmayspeakofaman'sworth,tokissthelipsofanempress.
Re-enterFTHSTGOSO,withhisTailor.
Fung.What'smasterFastidiousgone,sister?
Fal.Ay,brother.—Hehasafacelikeacherubin![Aside.
Fung.'Odsme,whatluck'sthis?Ihavefetch'dmytailorandall:whichwaywenthe,sister,canyoutell?
Fal.NotI,ingoodfaith—andhehasabodylikeanangel!
[Aside.
Fung.Howlongis'tsincehewent?
Fal.Why,bute'ennow;didyounotmeethim?—andatongueabletoravishanywomanintheearth.[Aside.
Fung.O,forGod'ssake—I'llpleaseyouforyourpains,[tohisTailor.]—Bute'ennow,sayyou?Come,goodsir:'slid,Ihadforgotittoo:ifanybodyaskformineuncleSogliardo,theyshallhavehimattheherald'sofficeyonder,byPaul's.
[ExitwithhisTailor.
Fal.Well,Iwillnotaltogetherdespair:Ihaveheardofacitizen'swifehasbeenbelovedofacourtier;andwhynotI?heigh,ho!well,Iwillintomyprivatechamber,lockthedoortome,andthinkoverallhisgoodpartsoneafteranother.[Exit.
Mit.Well,Idoubt,thislastscenewillenduresomegrievoustorture.
Cor.How?youfear'twillberack'dbysomehardconstruction?
Mit.Donotyou?
Cor.No,ingoodfaith:unlessmineeyescouldlightmebeyond
EveryManOutofHisHumour95
sense.Iseenoreasonwhythisshouldbemoreliabletotheracktlantherest:you'llsay,perhaps,thecitywillnottakeitwellthatthemerchantismadeheretodoatsoperfectlyuponhiswife;andsheagaintobesoFastidiouslyaffectedassheis.
Mit.Youhaveutter'dmythought,sir,indeed.
COT.Why,bythatproportion,thecourtmightaswelltakeoffenceathimwecallthecourtier,andwithmuchmorepretext,byhowmuchtheplacetranscends,andgoesbeforeindignityandvirtue:butcanyouimaginethatanynobleortruespiritincourt,whosesinewyandaltogetherunaffectedgraces,veryworthilyexpresshimacourtier,willmakeanyexceptionattheopeningofsuchanemptytrunkasthisBriskis?ort/\inkhisownworthimpeached,bybeholdinghismotleyinside?
Mit.Xo,sir,Idonot.
Cor.Xomore,assureyou,willanygrave,wisecitizen,ormodfstmatron,taketheobjectofthisfollyinDdiroandhiswife;butrathtrapplyitasthefoiltotheirov:nvirtues.Forthatweretoaffirm,thatamanwritingofXero,shouldmeanallemperors;orspeakingofMachiavel,comprehendallstatesmen;orinourSordido,allfarmers;andsooftherest:thanwhichnothingcanbeutteredmoremaliciousorabsurd.Indeedthereareasortofthesenarrow-eyeddecypherers,Iconfess,thatwillextortstrangeandabstrusemeaningsoutofanysubject,beitneversoconspicuousandinnocentlydelivered.Buttosuch,where'ertheysitconcealed,letthemknow,theauthordefiesthemandtheirwriting-tables;andhopesnosoundorsafejudgmentwillinfectitselfwiththeircontagiouscomments,who,indeed,come
her*onlytopenertandpoisonthesenseofwhattheyhear,andfornoujJitelse.
EnterCavalierSHIFT,withtwoSi-quisses(bills)inhishand.
Mit.Stay,whatnewmuteisthis,thatwalkssosuspiciously?
Cor.0,marry,thisisone,forwhosebetterillustration,wemuttre,youtopresupposethestage,themiddleaisleinPaul's,andthat,thewestendofit.
Mit.So,sir,andwhatfollows?
Cor.Faith,awholevolumeofhumour,andworthytheunclasping.
Mit.Ashow?Whatnamedoyougivehimfir
Cor.Hehathshiftofnames,sir:somecallhimAppl?-Joh/>.signiorWhiffe;marry,hismainstandingnameiscavalt-rtherestarebutascleanshirtstohisnatures.
Mit.AndwhatmakesheinPaul'snow?
Cor.Troth,asyousee,forthead'ofasiq'nXor
irf,r-reinhehassovariedhimself,thatifanyof'emtake,hemayhullupanddowninthehumorousworldalittlek»t>j
Mit.Itsefmsthenhebearsaverychangingnai.1?
Cor.0,asthewind,sir:h'.recoti
ACTIII
SCENEI.—TheMiddleAisleofST.PAUL'S.
Shift,[comingfortvard.]Thisisrare,Ihavesetupmybillswithoutdiscovery.
EnterORANGE.
Orange.What,signiorWhiffe!whatfortunehasbroughtyouintothesewestparts?
Shift.Troth,signior,nothingbutyourrheum;Ihavebeentakinganounceoftobaccohardbyhere,withagentleman,andIamcometospitprivateinPaul's.'Saveyou,sir.
Orange.Adieu,goodsigniorWhiffe.[Passesonward.
EnterCLOVE.
Clove.MasterApple-John!youarewellmet;whenshallwesuptogether,andlaugh,andbefatwiththosegoodwenches,ha?
Shift.Faith,sir,Imustnowleaveyou,uponafewhumoursandoccasions;butwhenyou
please,sir.[Exit.
Clove.Farewell,sweetApple-John!Iwondertherearenomorestoreofgallantshere.
Mit.Whatbethesetwo,signior?
Cor.Marry,acouple,sir,thataremerestrangerstothewholescopeofourplay;onlycometowalkaturnortwointhissceneofPaul's,bychance.
Orange.Saveyou,goodmasterClove!Clove.SweetmasterOrange.
Mit.How!Clove,andOrange?
Cor.Ay,andtheyarewellmet,for"'tisasdryanOrangeasevergrew:nothingbutsalutation,andOlord,sir!and,Itpleasesyoutosayso,sir!onethatcanlaughatajestforcompanywithamostplausibleandextemporalgrace;andsomehourafterinprivateaskyouwhatitwas.Theothermonsieur,Clove,isamorespicedyouth;hewillsityouawholeafternoonsometimesinabookseller'sshop,readingtheGreek,Italian,andSpanish,whenheunderstandsnotawordofeither;ifhehadthetonguestohissuits,hewereexcellentlinguist.
Clove.Doyouhearthisreportedforcertainty?Orange.Olord,sir.
EnterPUNTARVOLOandCARLO,folloivedbytwoServing-men,oneleadingadog,theotherbearingabag.
Punt.Sirrah,takemycloak;andyou,sirknave,followmecloser.Ifthoulosestmydog,thoushaltdieadog'sdeath;Iwillhangthee.
Car.Tut,fearhimnot,he'sagoodleanslave;helovesadog
EveryManOutofHisHumour97
well,Iwarranthim;Iseebyhislooks,I:—Mass,he'ssomewhatlikehim.'Slud[totheServant.]poisonhim,makehimawaywithacrookedpin,orsomewhat,man;thoumay'sthavemoresecurityofthylife;and—So,sir;what!youhavenotputoutyourwholeventureyet,haveyou?
Punt.No,Idowantyetsomefifteenorsixteenhundredpounds;butmylady,mywife,isOutofherHumour,shedoesnotnowgo.
Car.No!howthen?
Punt.Marry,Iamnowenforcedtogiveitout,uponthereturnofmyself,mydog,andmycat.
Car.Yourcat!whereisshe?
Punt.Mysquirehasherthere,inthebag;sirrah,looktoher.Howlik'stthoumychange,Carlo?
Car.Oh,forthebetter,sir;yourcathasninelives,andyourwifehasbutone.
Punt.Besides,shewillneverbesea-sick,whichwillsavemesomuchinconserves.WhensawyousigniorSogliardo?
Car.Icamefromhimbutnow;heisattheherald'sofficeyonder;lierequestedmetogoafore,andtakeupamanortwoforhiminPaul's,againsthiscognisancewasready.
Punt.What,hashepurchasedarms,then?
Car.Ay,andrareonestoo;ofasmanycoloursase'eryousawanyfool'scoatinyourlife.I'llgolookamongyond'bills,anIcanfithimwithlegstohisarms.
Punt.Withlegstohisarms!Good!Iwillgowithyou,sir.
[Theygotoreadthebills.
EnterFASTIDIOUS,DELIRO,andMACILEXTE.
Fast.Come,let'swalkinMediterraneo:Iassureyou,sir,Iamnottheleastrespectedamongladies;butletthatpass:doyouknowhowtogointothepresence,sir?
Maci.Why,onmyfeet,sir.
Fast.Xo,onyourhead,sir;for'tisthatmustbearyouout,Iassureyou;asthus,sir.Youmustfirsthaveanespecialcaresotowearyourhat,thatitoppressnotconfusedlythisyourpredominant,orforetop;because,whenyoucomeatthepresence-door,youmaywithonceortwicestrokingupyourforehead,thus,enterwithyourpredominantperfect;thatis,standingupstiff.
Maci.Asifonewerefrighted?
Fast.Ay,sir.
Mad.Which,indeed,atruefearofyourmistressshoulddo,ratherthangum-water,orwhitesofegcrs;is'tnotso,sir?
Fast.Aningeniousobservation.Givemeleavetocraveyourname,sir?
Deli.HisnameisMacilente,sir.
Fast.GoodsiszniorMacilente,ifthisgentlcnuiM,signiorDoliro,furnishyou,ashesayshewill,withclothes,Iwillbringyou,tomorrowbythistime,intothepresenceofthemustdivineandacutela:!yincourt;youshallseesweetsilentrhetorick,anddumb
eloquencespeakinginhereye,butwhenshespeaksherself,suchananatomyofwit,sosinewisedandarterised,that'tisthegoodliestmodelofpleasurethateverwastobehold.Oh!shestrikestheworldintoadmirationofher;0,0,0!Icannotexpressthem,believeme.
Mad.0,youronlyadmirationisyoursilence,sir.
Punt.'ForeGod,Carlo,thisisgood!let'sreadthemagain.
[Readsthebill.
Iftherebeanyladyorgentlewomanofgoodcarriagethatisdesiroustoentertaintoherprivateuses,ayoung,straight,anduprightgentleman,oftheageoffiveorsixandtwentyatthemost;whocanserveinthenatureofagentleman-usher,andhathlittlelegsofpurpose,andablacksatinsuitofhisown,togobeforeherin;whichsuit,forthemoresweetening,nowliesinlavender;andcanhidehisfacewithherfan,ifneedrequire;orsitinthecoldatthestairfootforher,aswellasanothergentleman:lethersubscribehernameandplace,anddiligentrespectshallbegiven.
Punt.Thisisabovemeasureexcellent,ha!
Car.No,this,this!here'safineslave.[Reads.
Ifthiscity,orthesuburbsofthesame,doaffordanyyounggentlemanofthefirst,second,orthirdhead,moreorless,whosefriendsarebutlatelydeceased,andwhoselandsarebutnewcomeintohishands,that,tobeasexactlyqualifiedasthebestofourordinarygallantsare,isaffectedtoentertainthemostgentleman-likeuseoftobacco;asfirst,togiveitthemostexquisiteperfume;then,toknowallthedelicatesweetformsfortheassumptionofit;asalsotherarecorollaryandpracticeoftheCubanebolition,euripusandwhiff,whichheshallreceiveortakeinhereatLondon,andevaporateatUxbridge,orfarther,ifitpleasehim.Iftherebeanysuchgenerousspirit,thatistrulyenamouredofthesegoodfaculties;mayitpleasehim,butbyanoteofhishandtospecifytheplaceorordinarywhereheusestoeatandlie;andmostsweetattendance,withtobaccoandpipesofthebestsort,shallbeministered.Stet,quaeso,candideLector.
Punt.Why,thisiswithoutparallel,this.
Car.Well,I'llmarkthisfellowforSogliardo'susepresently.
Punt.Orrather,Sogliardo,forhisuse.
Car.Faith,eitherofthemwillserve,theyarebothgoodproperties:I'lldesigntheotheraplacetoo,thatwemayseehim.
Punt.NobetterplacethantheMitre,thatwemaybespectatorswithyou,Carlo.Soft,beholdwhoentershere:
EnterSOGLIARDO.SigniorSogliardo!saveyou.
Sog.Saveyou,goodsirPuntarvolo;yourdog'sinhealth,sir,Isee:Hownow,Carlo?
Car.Wehaveta'ensimplepains,tochooseyououtfollowershere.[Shewshimthebills.
EveryManOutofHisHumour99
Punt.Comehither,signior.
Clove.MonsieurOrange,yongallantsobserveus;pritheelet'stalkfustianalittle,andgullthem;makethembelievewearegreatscholars.
Orange.Olord,sir!
Clove.Nay,pritheeletus,believeme,—youhaveanexcellenthabitindiscourse.
Orange.Itpleasesyoutosayso,sir.
Clove.Bythischurch,youhave,la;nay,come,begin—Aristotle,inhisdaemonologia,approvesScaligerforthebestnavigatorinhistime;andinhishypercritics,hereportshimtobeHeautontimoru-menos:—youunderstandtheGreek,sir?
Orange.0,goodsir!
Mad.Forsociety'ssakehedoes.O,herebeacoupleoffinetameparrots!
<'love.Now,sir,whereastheingenuityofthetimeandthesoul'ssynderisisarebutembrionsinnature,addedtothepanchofEsquiline,andtheinter-vallumofthezodiac,besidestheeclipticlinebeingoptic,andnotmental,butbythecontemplativeandtheoricpartthereof,dothdemonstratetousthevegetablecircumference,andtheventosityofthetropics,andwhereasourintellectual,ormincingcapreal(accordingtothemetaphysicks)asyoumayreadinPlato'sHistriomastixYouconceiveme,sir?
Orange.Olord,sir!
Clove.Thencomingtotheprettyanimal,asreasonlongsinceisfledtoanimals,youknow,orindeedforthemoremodelising,orenamelling,orratherdiamondisingofyoursubject,youshallperceivethehypothesis,orgalaxia,(whereofthemeteorslongsincehadtheirinitialinceptionsandnotions,)tobemerelyPythagorical,mathematical,andaristocratical—-For,lookyou,sir,thereiseverakindofconcinnityandspecies—-Letusturntoourformerdiscourse,fortheymarkusnot.
Fast.Mass,yonder'stheknightPuntarvolo.
Deli.AndmycousinSogliardo,methinks.
Mad.Ay,andhisfamiliarthathauntshim,thedevilwiththeshiningface.
Deli.Let'emalone,observe'emnot.
l^ogliardo,Puntarvolo,andCarlo,walktogether.
Sog.Nay,Iwillhavehim,Iamresoluteforthat.Bythisparchment,gentlemen,Ihavebeensotoiledamongtheharroteyonder,youwillnotbelieve!theydospeakinthestrangestlanguage,andgiveamanthehardesttermsforhismoney,thateveryouknew.
Car.Buthaveyouarms,haveyouarms'.'
Sog.I'faith,Ithankthem;IcanwritemysolfgontIoniannow;here'smypatent,itcostmethirtypound,bythisl.nvith.
Punt.Averyfnircoat,wellcharged,andfullofarmory.
Sog.Nay,it1msasmuchvarietyofcoloursinit,asyouhaveseenacoathave;howlikeyouthecrest,sir?
Punt.Iunderstanditnotwell,whatis't?
Sog.Marry,sir,itisyourboarwithoutahead,rampant.Aboarwithoutahead,that'sveryrare!
Car.Ay,andrampanttoo!troth,Icommendtheherald'swit,hehasdecypheredhimwell:aswinewithoutahead,withoutbrain,wit,anythingindeed,rampingtogentility.Youcanblazontherest,signior,canyounot?
Sog.O,ay,Ihaveitinwritinghereofpurpose;itcostmetwoshillingsthetricking.
Car.Let'shear,let'shear.
Punt.Itisthemostvile,foolish,absurd,palpable,andridiculousescutcheonthateverthiseyesurvised.—Saveyou,goodmonsieurFastidious.[Theysaluteastheymeetinthewalk.
Car.Silence,goodknight;on,on.
Sog.[Reads.]Gyronyofeightpieces;azureandgules;betweenthreeplates,achevronengrailedchecquy,or,vert,andermins;ona,chiefargent,betweentwoanrfletssable,aboar'shead,proper.
Car.How'sthat!onachiefargent?
Sog.[Reads.]Onachiefargent,aboar'sheadproper,betweentwoann'letssable.
Car.'Slud,it'sahog'scheekandpuddingsinapewterfield,this.[Heretheyshift.FastidiousmixeswithPuntarvolo;CarloandSogliardo;DeliroandMadlente;CloveandOrange;fourcouple.
Sog.Howlikeyouthem,signior?
Punt.Letthewordbe,Notwithoutmustard:yourcrestisveryrare,sir.
Car.Afaying-pantothecrest,hadhadnofellow.
Fast.Intreatyourpoorfriendtowalkoffalittle,signior,Iwillsalutetheknight.
Car.Come,lapitup,lapitup.
Fast.Youarerightwellencounter'd,sir;howdoesyourfairdog?
Punt.Inreasonablestate,sir;whatcitizenisthatyouwereconsortedwith?Amerchantofanyworth?
Fast.'TissigniorDeliro,sir.
Punt.Isithe?—Saveyou,sir![Theysalute.
Deli.GoodsirPuntarvolo!
Mad.Owhatcopyoffoolwouldthisplaceminister,tooneenduedwithpatiencetoobserveit!
Car.Nay,lookyou,sir,nowyouareagentleman,youmustcarryamoreexaltedpresence,changeyourmoodandhabittoamoreaustereform;beexceedingproud,standuponyourgentility,andscorneveryman;speaknothinghumbly,neverdiscourseunderanobleman,thoughyouneversawhimbutridingtothestar-chamber,it'sallone.Lovenoman:trustnoman:speakillofnomantohisface;norwellofanymanbehindhisback.Salutefairlyonthefront,andwishthemhangedupontheturn.Spreadyourselfuponhisbosompublicly,whoseheartyouwouldeatinprivate.Thesebeprinciples,thinkonthem;I'llcometoyouagainpresently.[Exit.
Punt,[tohisservant.]Sirrah,keepclose;yetnotsoclose:thybreathwillthawmyruff.
Sog.0,goodcousin,Iamalittlebusy,howdoesmyniece?Iamtowalkwithaknight,here.
EnterFUNGOSOwithhisTailor.
Fung.O,heishere:lookyou,sir,that'sthegentleman.
Tai.What,heintheblush-colouredsatin?
Fung.Ay,he,sir;thoughhissuitblush,heblushesnot,lookyou,that'sthesuit,sir:Iwouldhaveminesuchasuitwithoutdifference,suchstuff,suchawing,suchasleeve,suchaskirt,bellyandall;therefore,prayyouobserveit.Haveyouapairoftables?
Fast.Why,doyousee,sir,theysayIamfantastical;why,true,Iknowit,andIpursuemyhumourstill,incontemptofthiscensoriousage.'Slight,anamanshoulddonothingbutwhatasortofstalejudgmentsaboutthistownwillapproveinhim,hewereasweetass:I'dbeghim,i'faith.Ine'erknewanymorefindfaultwithafashion,thantheythatknewnothowtoputthemselvesintoit.Formineownpart,soIpleasemineownappetite,Iamcarelesswhatthefustyworldspeaksofme.Puh!
Fung.Doyoumark,howithangsatthekneethere?
Tai.Iwarrantyou,sir.
Fung.ForGod'ssakedo,noteall;doyouseethecollar,sir?
Tai.Fearnothing,itshallnotdifferinastitch,sir.
Fung.Prayheavenitdonot!you'llmaketheseliningsserve,andhelpmetoachapmanfortheoutside,willyou?
Tai.I'lldomybest,sir:you'llputitoffpresently.
Fung.Ay,gowithmetomychamberyoushallhaveit——butmakehasteofit,fortheloveofacustomer;forI'llpitinmyoldsuit,orelselieabed,andreadtheArcadiatillyouhavedone.
[Ej-itu-ithhisTailor.Re-enterCARLO.
Car.O,ifeveryouwerestruckwithajest,gallants,now,now,now,IdousherthemoststrangepieceofmilitaryprofessionthateverwasdiscoveredinInsulaPaulina.
Fa*l.Where?where?
Punt.Whatisheforacreature?
Car.Apimp,apimp,thatIhaveobservedyonder,therarestsuperficiesofahumour;hecomeseverymorningtoemptyhislun<_r^inPaul'shere;andoffersupsomefiveorsixheeatomksoffacesandsighs,andawayagain.Herehecomes;nay,walk,\\alk,benotseentonotehim,andweshallhaveexcellentsport.
EnterSHIFT;and?/v///-.s-/;//,liningaction(<>hi*rapier.
Punt.'Slid,IK-ventedasighe'ennow,Ithoughthewouldhaveblownupthechurch.
Car.O,youshallhavehimgiveunumberofthosefal>e(iceserehedepart.
Fast.See,nowheisexpostulatingwithhisrapier:look,look!
Car.Didyoueverinyourdaysobservebetterpassionoverahilt?
Punt.Exceptitwereinthepersonofacutler'sboy,orthatthefellowwerenothingbutvapour,Ishouldthinkitimpossible.
Car.Seeagain,heclapshisswordo'thehead,aswhoshouldsay,well,goto.
Fast.0violence!Iwonderthebladecancontainitself,beingsoprovoked.
Car.Withthatthemoodysquirethumpthisbreast,Andrearedhiseyentoheavenforrevenge.
Sog.Troth,anyoubegoodgentlemen,let'smakethemfriends,andtakeupthematterbetweenhisrapierandhim.
Car.Nay,ifyouintendthat,youmustlaydownthematter;forthisrapier,itseems,ishithenatureofahanger-on,andthegoodgentlemanwouldhappilyberidofhim.
Fast.Bymyfaith,and'tistobesuspected;I'llaskhim.
Maci.O,here'srichstuff!forlife'ssake,letusgo:Amanwouldwishhimselfasenselesspillar,Ratherthanviewthesemonstrousprodigies:Nilhabetinfelixpaupertasduriusinse,Quamquodridiculoshominesfacit—[ExitwithDeliro.
Fast.Signior.
Shift.Atyourservice.
Fast.Willyousellyourrapier?
Car.Heisturn'dwilduponthequestion;helooksashehadseenaserjeant.
Shift.Sellmyrapier!nowfateblessme!
Punt.Amen.
Shift.Youask'dmeifIwouldsellmyrapier,sir?
Fast.Ididindeed.
Shift.Now,lordhavemercyuponme!
Punt.Amen,Isaystill.
Shift.'Slid,sir,whatshouldyoubeholdinmyface,sir,thatshouldmoveyou,astheysay,sir,toaskme,sir,ifIwouldsellmyrapier?
Fast.Nay,letmeprayyou,sir,benotmoved:Iprotest,Iwouldratherhavebeensilent,thananywayoffensive,hadIknownyournature.
Shift.Sellmyrapier?'odslid!—Nay,sir,formineownpart,asIamamanthathasserv'dincauses,orso,soIamnotapttoinjureanygentlemaninthedegreeoffallingfoul,but—sellmyrapier!Iwilltellyou,sir,Ihaveservedwiththisfoolishrapier,wheresomeofusdarenotappearinhaste;Inamenoman;butletthatpass.Sellmyrapier!—deathtomylungs!Thisrapier,sir,hastravell'dbymyside,sir,thebestpartofFrance,andtheLowCountry:IhaveseenFlushing,Brill,andtheHague,withthisrapier,sir,inmyLordofLeicester'stime;andbyGod'swill,hethatshouldoffer
todisrapiermenow,IwouldLookyou,sir,youpresumetobe
agentlemanofsort,andsolikewiseyourfriendshere;ifyouhave
anydispositiontotravelforthesightofservice,orso,one,two,orallofyou,IcanlendyouletterstodiversofficersandcommandersintheLowCountries,thatshallformycausedoyouallthegood
offices,thatshallpertainorbelongtogentlemanofyour
[loweringhisvoice.]Pleaseyoutoshewthebountyofyourmind,sir,toimpartsometengroats,orhalfacrowntoouruse,tillour
abilitybeofgrowthtoreturnit,andweshallthinkourself
'Sblood!sellmyrapier!
Sog.Iprayyou,whatsaidhe,signior?he'saproperman.
Fast.Marry,hetellsme,ifIpleasetoshewthebountyofmymind,toimpartsometengroatstohisuse,orso
Punt.Breakhishead,andgiveithim.
Car.Ithoughthehadbeenplayingo'theJew'strump,I.
Shift.Myrapier!no,sir;myrapierismyguard,mydefence,myrevenue,myhonour;—ifyoucannotimpart,besecret,Ibeseechyou—andIwillmaintainit,wherethereisagrainofdust,oradropofwater.[Sighs.]Hardisthechoicewhenthevaliantmusteattheirarms,orclem.Sellmyrapier!no,mydear,Iwillnotbedivorcedfromthee,yet;Ihaveeverfoundtheetrueas
steel,and.Youcannotimpart,sir?—Saveyou,gentlemen;—
nevertheless,ifyouhaveafancytoit,sir—
Fast.Pritheeaway:IssigniorDelirodeparted?
Car.Haveyouseenapimpoutfacehisownwantsbetter?
Sog.Icommendhimthatcandissemblethemsowell.
Punt.True,andhavingnobetteracloakforitthanhehasneither.
Fast.Od'sprecious,whatmischievousluckisthis!adieu,gentlemen.
Punt.Whitherinsuchhaste,monsieurFastidious?
Fast.Aftermymerchant,signiorDeliro,sir.[Exit.
Car.0hinderhimnot,hemayhaplosehistide;agoodflounder,i'faith.
Orange.Harkyou,signiorWhiffe,awordwithyou.
[OrangeandCl<»'<fit!^h>f
Car.How!signiorWhiffe?
Orange.Whatwasthedifferencebetweenthatgallantthat'sgoneandyou,sir?
Shift.Xodifference;hewouldhavegivenmefivepoundformyrapier,andIrefusedit;that'sall.
Clove.0,wasitnootherwise?wethoughtyouhadbeenuponsometerms.
Shift.Xootherthanyousaw,sir.
Clove.Adieu,goodmasterApple-John.[E.rit?/•////Orange.
Car.How!Whiffe,andApple-Johntoo?Heart,whatwillyousayifthisbetheappendixorlabeltobothyonindentures?
Punt.Itmaybe.
Car.Resolveusofit,Janus,thouthatlook'stevrryw.iy:orthou,Hercules,thathasttravelM!allcountri---.
Punt.Xay,Carlo,spendnottimeininvocationsnow,'ti-1
Car.Signior,here'sagentlemandesirousofyourname,sir.
Shift.Sir,mynameiscavalierShift:Iamknownsufficientlyinthiswalk,sir.
Car.Shift!Iheardyournamevariedevennow,asItakeit.
Shift.True,sir,itpleasestheworld,asIamherexcellenttobacconist,togivemethestyleofsigniorWhiffe;asIamapooresquireaboutthetownhere,theycallmemasterApple-John.Varietyofgoodnamesdoeswell,sir.
Car.Ay,andgoodparts,tomakethosegoodnames;outofwhichIimagineyonbillstobeyours.
Shift.Sir,ifIshoulddenythemanuscripts,Iwereworthytobebanish'dthemiddleaisleforever.
Car.Itakeyourword,sir:thisgentlemanhassubscribedtothem,andismostdesiroustobecomeyourpupil.Marry,youmustuseexpedition.SigniorInsulsoSogliardo,thisistheprofessor.
Sog.Ingoodtime,sir:nay,goodsir,houseyourhead;doyouprofessthesesleightsintobacco?
Shift.Idomorethanprofess,sir,and,ifyoupleasetobeapractitioner,Iwillundertakeinonefortnighttobringyou,thatyoushalltakeitplausiblyinanyordinary,theatre,ortheTilt-yard,ifneedbe,inthemostpopularassemblythatis.
Punt.Butyoucannotbringhimtothewhiffesosoon?
Shift.Yes,assoon,sir;heshallreceivethefirst,second,andthirdwhiffe,ifitpleasehim,and,
uponthereceipt,takehishorse,drinkhisthreecupsofcanary,andexposeoneatHounslow,asecondatStains,andathirdatBagshot.
Car.Baw-waw!
Sog.Youwillnotserveme,sir,willyou?I'llgiveyoumorethancountenance.
Shift.Pardonme,sir,Idoscorntoserveanyman.
Car.Who!heserve?'sblood,hekeepshighmen,andlowmen,he!hehasafairlivingatFullam.
Shift.Butinthenatureofafellow,I'llbeyourfollower,ifyouplease.
Sog.Sir,youshallstay,anddinewithme,andifwecanagree,we'llnotpartinhaste:Iamverybountifultomenofquality.Whereshallwego,signior?
Punt.YourMitreisyourbesthouse.
Shift.IcanmakethisdogtakeasmanywhiffesasIlist,andheshallretain,oreffumethem,atmypleasure.
Punt.Byyourpatience,followme,fellows.
Sog.SirPuntarvolo!
Punt.Pardonme,mydogshallnoteatinhiscompanyforamillion.[ExitwithhisServants.
Car.Nay,benotyouamazed,signiorWhiffe,whateverthatstiff-neckedgentlemansays.
Sog.No,for}roudonotknowthehumourofthedog,aswedo:Whereshallwedine,Carlo?Iwouldfaingotooneoftheseordinaries,nowIamagentleman.
Car.Soyoumay;wereyouneveratanyyet?
EveryManOutofHisHumour105
Sog.Xo,faith;buttheysaythereresortsyourmostchoicegallants.
Car.True,andthefashionis,whenanystrangercomesinamongst'em,theyallstandupandstareathim,asheweresomeunknownbeast,broughtoutofAfrick;butthatwillbehelpedwithagoodadventurousface.Youmustbeimpudentenough,sitdown,andusenorespect:whenanything'spropoundedaboveyourcapacity,smileatit,maketwoorthreefaces,and'tisexcellent;they'llthinkyouhavetravelled;thoughyouargue,awholeday,insilencethus,anddiscourseinnothingbutlaughter,'twillpass.Only,nowandthen,givefire,dischargeagoodfulloath,andofferagreatwager;'twillbeadmirable.
Sog.Iwarrantyou,Iamresolute;come,goodsignior,there'sapoorFrenchcrownforyourordinary.
Xhift.Itcomeswell,forIhadnotsomuchastheleastportcullisofcoinbefore.
Mit./travailwithanotherobjection,signior,whichIfearwillbeenforcedagainsttheautJior,ereIcanbedeliveredofit.
Cor.Whafsthat,sir?
Mit.Thattheargumentofhiscomedymighthavebeenofsomeoth<rnature,asofaduketobeinlovewithacountess,andthatcountesstoleinlovewiththeduke'sson,andthesontolovethelady'swaiting-maid;somesuchcrosswooing,withaclowntotheirservingman,letterthantobethusnear,andfamiliarlyalliedtothetime.
Cor.Yousaywell,butIwouldfainhearoneoftheseautumn-judgmentsdefineonce,Quidsitcomoedia?ifhecannot,lethimcontenthimselfwithCicero'sdefinition,tillhehavestrengthtoproposetohimselfabetter,whowouldhaveacomedytobeirnitatiovitae,speculumconsuetudinis,imagoveritatis;athingthroughoutpleasantandridiculous,andaccommodatedtothecorrectionofmanners:ifthemakerhavefaildinanyparticleofthis,theymayworth!I>it<uchim:
!>ntifnot,whybeyou,tJiatareforthem,siltnt,asIwillbefor
htin;andgivewaytotheactors.
SCENEII.—TheCountry.EnterSORDIDO,withahalterabouthisncclc.
Sord.Xay,God'sprecious,iftheweatherandseasonbesorespectless,thatbeggars.shallliveaswellastheirbetters;andthatmyhungerandthirstforrichesshallnotmakethemhungerandthirstwithpoverty;thatmysleepshallbebroken,andtheirheartsnotbroken;thatmycolTersshallbefull,andyetcare;their'sempty,andyetmerry;—'tistimethatacrossshouldbeartleshandblood',sincefleshandbloodcannotbearthiscross.
.Mit.Whnt,willhehanghimsrlf'
Cor.Faith,ay;itseemshi*prognosticationha*n»t!.•>fttouchwithhim.a)i'ltlmtmakeshimih^f-nir.
Sord.Tut,thesestar-mongerknaves,whowouldtrustthem?Onesaysdarkandrainy,when'tisasclearaschrystal;anothersays,tempestuousblastsandstorms,and'twasascalmasamilk-bowl;herebesweetrascalsforamantocredithiswholefortuneswith!Yousky-staringcoxcombsyou,youfat-brains,outuponyou;youaregoodfornothingbuttosweatnight-caps,andmakerug-gownsdear!youlearnedmen,andhavenotalegionofdevilsavostreservice!avostreservice!byheaven,IthinkIshalldieabetterscholarthanthey:butsoft—
EnteraHind,withaletter.Hownow,sirrah?
Hind.Here'salettercomefromyourson,sir.
Sord.Frommyson,sir!whatwouldmyson,sir?somegoodnews,nodoubt.[Reads.
Sweetanddearfather,desiringyoufirsttosendmeyourblessing,whichismoreworthtomethangoldorsilver,Idesireyoulikewisetobeadvertised,thatthisShrove-tide,contrarytocustom,weusealwaystohaverevels;whichisindeeddancing,andmakesanexcellentshewintruth;especiallyifwegentlemenbewellattired,whichourseniorsnote,andthinkthebetterofourfathers,thebetterwearemaintained,andthattheyshallknowiftheycomeup,andhaveanythingtodointhelaw;therefore,goodfather,theseare,foryourownsakeaswellasmine,tore-desireyou,thatyouletmenotwantthatwhichisfitforthesettingupofourname,inthehonourablevolumeofgentility,thatImaysaytoourcalumniators,withTully,Egosumortusdomusmeae,tuoccasustuae.Andthus,notdoubtingofyourfatherlybenevolence,Ihumblyaskyourblessing,andprayGodtoblessyou.
Yours,ifhisown,[FuNGOSO.]
How'sthis!Yours,ifhisown!Ishenotmyson,excepthebehisownson?belikethisissomenewkindofsubscriptionthegallantsuse.Well!whereforedostthoustay,knave?away;go.[ExitHind.]Here'saletter,indeed!revels?andbenevolence?isthisaweathertosendbenevolence?oristhisaseasontorevelin?'Slid,thedevilandalltakesparttovexme,Ithink!thisletterwouldneverhavecomenowelse,now,now,whenthesunshines,andtheairthusclear.Soul!ifthishold,weshallshortlyhaveanexcellentcropofcornspringoutofthehighways:thestreetsandhousesofthetownwillbehidwiththeranknessofthefruits,thatgrowthereinspiteofgoodhusbandry.Goto,I'llpreventthesightofit,comeasquicklyasitcan,Iwillpreventthesightofit.Ihavethisremedy,heaven.[Clambersup,andsuspendsthehaltertoatree.]Stay;I'lltrythepainthusalittle.0,nothing,nothing.Wellnow!shallmysongainabenevolencebymydeath?oranybodybethebetterformygold,orsoforth?no;aliveIkeptitfromthem,anddead,myghostshallwalkaboutit,andpreserveit.Mysonanddaughtershallstarveeretheytouchit;Ihavehiditasdeepashellfromthesightofheaven,andtoitIgonow.
[Flingshimselfoff.
EveryManOutofHisHumour107
EnterfiveorsixRustics,oneafteranother.
1Rust.Ahme,whatpitifulsightisthis!help,help,help!
2Rust.Hownow!what'sthematter?
1Rust.O,here'samanhashang'dhimself,helptogethimagain.
2Rust.Hang'dhimself!'Slid,carryhimaforeajustice,'tischance-medley,o'myword.
3Rust.Hownow,what'sheretodo?
4Rust.Howcomesthis?
2Rust.Onehasexecutedhimself,contrarytoorderoflaw,andbymyconsentheshallanswerit.[Theycuthimdown.
5Rust.Wouldhewereincasetoanswerit!
1Rust.Standby,herecovers,givehimbreath.
Sord.Oh!
5Rust.Mass,'twaswellyouwentthefootway,neighbour.
1Rust.Ay,anIhadnotcutthehalter—
Sord.How!cutthehalter!ahme,Iamundone,Iamundone!
2Rust.Marry,ifyouhadnotbeenundone,youhadbeenhang'd,Icantellyou.
Sord.Youthread-bare,horse-bread-eatingrascals,ifyouwouldneedshavebeenmeddling,couldyounothaveuntiedit,butyoumustcutit;andinthemidsttoo!ahme!
1Rust.Outonme,'tisthecaterpillarSordido!howcurstarethepoor,thattheviperwasblestwiththisgoodfortune!
2Rust.Nay,howaccurstartthou,thatartcausetothecurseofthepoor?
3Rust.Ay,andtosavesowretchedacaitiff?
4Rust.Curstbethyringersthatloos'dhim!
2Rust.Somedesperatefurypossessthee,thatthoumay'sthangthyselftoo!
5Rust.Nevermay'stthoubesaved,thatsavedsodamn'damonster!
Sord.Whatcursesbreathethesemen!howhavemydeedsMademylooksdifferfromanotherman's,Thattheyshouldthusdetestandloathmylife!Outonmywretchedhumour!itisthat.Makesmethusmonstrousintruehumaneeyes.Pardonme,gentlefriends,I'llmakefair'mendsFormyfoulerrorspast,andtwenty-foldRestoretoallmen,whatwithwrongIrobb'dthem:MybarnsandgarnersshallstandopenstillToallthepoorthatcome,andmybestgrainBemadealms-bread,tofeedhalf-famish'dmouths.ThoughhithertoamongstyouIhavelived,Likeanunsavourymuck-hilltomyself,Yetnowmygather'dheapsbeingspreadabroad,Shallturntobetterandmorefruitfuluses.Blessthenthisman,cursehimnomoreforsavingMylifeandsoultogether.Ohowdeeply
Thebittercursesofthepoordopierce!
Iambywonderchanged;comeinwithme
Andwitnessmyrepentance:nowIprove,
Nolifeisblest,thatisnotgracedwithlove.[Exit.
2Rust.Omiracle!seewhenamanhasgrace!
3Rust.Haditnotbeenpitysogoodamanshouldhavebeencastaway?
2Rust.Well,I'llgetourclerkputhisconversionintheActsandMonuments.
4Rust.Do,forIwarranthimhe'samartyr.
2Rust.0God,howhewept,ifyoumark'dit!didyouseehowthetearstrill'd?
5Rust.Yes,believeme,likemastervicar'sbowlsuponthegreen,foralltheworld.
3Rust.Oneighbour,God'sblessingo'yourheart,neighbour,'twasagoodgratefuldeed.[Exeunt.
Cor.Hownow,Hitis/Jwhat'sthatyouconsidersoseriously?
Mit.Troth,thatwhichdothessentiallypleaseme,thewarpingconditionofthisgreenandsoggymultitude;butingoodfaith,signior,yourauthorhathlargelyoutstriptmyexpectationinthisscene,Iwillliberallyconfessit.ForwhenIsawSordidosodesperatelyintended,IthoughtIhadhadahandofhim,then.
Cor.What!yousupposedheshouldhavehunghimselfindeed?
Mit.Idid,andhadframedmyobjectiontoitready,whichmayyetbeveryfitlyurged,andwithsomenecessity;forthoughhispurposedviolencelosttheeffect,andextendednottodeath,yettheintentandhorroroftheobjectwasmorethanthenatureofacomedywillinanysortadmit.
Cor.Ay!whatthinkyouofPlautus,inhiscomedycalledCistel-laria?there,wherehebringsinAlcesimarchuswithadrawnswordreadytokillhimself,andasheise'enfixinghisbreastuponit,toberestrainedfromhisresolvedoutrage,bySileniumandthebawd?Isnothisauthorityofpowertogiveoursceneapprobation?
Mit.Sir,Ihavethisonlyevasionleftme,tosay,Ithinkitbesoindeed;yourmemoryishappierthanmine:butIwonder,whatenginehewillusetobringtherestoutoftheirhumours!
Cor.Thatwillappearanon,neverpre-occupyyourimaginationwithal.Letyourmindkeepcompanywiththescenestill,whichnowremovesitselffromthecountrytothecourt.HerecomesMacilente,andsigniorBriskfreshlysuited;losenotyourself,fornowtheepitasis,orbusypartofoursubject,isinact.
SCENEIII.—AnApartmentattheCourt.
EnterMACILENTE,FASTIDIOUS,bothinanewsuit,andCINEDO,
withtobacco.
Fast.Well,now,signiorMacilente,youarenotonlywelcometothecourt,butalsotomymistress'swithdrawingchamber.—Boy,
EveryManOutofHisHumour109
getmesometobacco.I'llbutgoin,andshewIamhere,andcometoyoupresently,sir.[Exit.
Mad.What'sthathesaid?byheaven,Imark'dhimnot:MythoughtsandIwereofanotherworld.Iwasadmiringmineownoutsidehere,TothinkwhatprivilegeandpalmitbearsHere,inthecourt!beamanne'ersovile,Inwit,injudgment,manners,orwhatelse;Ifhecanpurchasebutasilkencover,Heshallnotonlypass,butpassregarded:Whereas,lethimbepoor,andmeanlyclad,Thoughne'ersorichlyparted,youshallhaveAfellowthatknowsnothingbuthisbeef,Orhowtorincehisclammygutsinbeer,Willtakehimbytheshoulders,orthethroat,Andkickhimdownthestairs.SuchisthestateOfvirtueinbadclothes!—ha,ha,ha,ha!Thatraimentshouldbeinsuchhighrequest!HowlongshouldIbe,ereIshouldputoffTothelordchancellor'stomb,ortheshrives'posts?Byheav'n,Ithink,athousand,thousandyear.Hisgravity,hiswisdom,andhisfaithTomydreadsovereign,gracesthatsurvivehim,TheseIcouldwellenduretoreverence,Butnothistomb;nomorethanI'dcommendThechapelorganforthegiltwithout,Orthisbase-viol,forthevarnish'dface.
Re-enterFASTIDIOUS.
Fast,IfearIhavemadeyoustaysomewhatlong,sir;butismytobaccoready,boy?
Cin.Ay,sir.
Fast.Giveme;mymistressisuponcoming,youshallseeherpresently,sir.[Puffs.]You'llsayyouneveraccostedamorepiercingwit.—Thistobaccoisnotdried,boy,orelsethepipeisdefective.—Oh,yourwitsofItalyarenothingcomparabletoher:herbrain'saveryquiverofjests,andshedoesdartthemabroad
withthatsweet,loose,andjudicialaim,thatyouwouldhere
shecomes,sir.[SAVIOLINAlooksin,anddrawsbackagain.
Mad.'Twastime,hisinventionhadbeenboggedelse.
Sav.[within.]Givememyfanthere.
Mad.Hownow,monsieurBrisk?
Fast.Akindofaffectionatereverencestrikesmewithacoldshivering,methinks.
Mad.Ilikesuchtemperswell,asstandbeforetheirmistressesuithfearandtrembling;andbeforetheirMaker,likeimpudentmountains!
Fast.Bythishand,I'dspendtwentypoundmyvaultinghorsestoodherenow,shemightseemedobutonetrick.
Mad.Why,doessheloveactivity?
Cm.Or,ifyouhadbutyourlongstockingson,tobedancingagalliardasshecomesby.
Fast.Ay,either.O,thesestirringhumoursmakeladiesmad•withdesire;sheconies.Mygoodgeniusemboldenme:boy,thepipequickly.
EnterSAVIOLINA.
Mad.What!\villhegivehermusic?
Fast.Asecondgoodmorrowtomyfairmistress.
Sav.Fairservant,I'llthankyouadayhence,whenthedateofyoursalutationcomesforth.
Fast.Howlikeyouthatanswer?is'tnotadmirable?
Mad.Iwereasimplecourtier,ifIcouldnotadmiretrifles,sir.
Fast.[Talksandtakestobaccobetweenthebreaks.]Troth,sweet
lady,Ishall[puffs]bepreparedtogiveyouthanksforthose
thanks,andstudymoreofficious,andobsequiousregardsto
yourfairbeauties.Mendthepipe,boy.
Mad.Ineverknewtobaccotakenasaparenthesisbefore.
Fast.'ForeGod,sweetlady,believeit,Idohonourthemeanestrushinthischamberforyourlove.
Sav.Ay,youneednottellmethat,sir;Idothinkyoudoprizearushbeforemylove.
Mad.Isthisthewonderofnations!
Fast.O,bythisair,pardonme,Isaidforyourlove,bythislight:butitistheaccustomedsharpnessofyouringenuity,sweet
mistress,to[takesdowntheviol,andplays]mass,yourviol's
newstrung,methinks.
Mad.Ingenuity!Iseehisignorancewillnotsufferhimtoslanderher,whichhehaddonemostnotably,ifhehadsaidwitforingenuity,ashemeantit.
Fast.Bythesoulofmusic,lady—hum,hum.
Sav.Wouldwemighthearitonce.
Fast.Idomoreadoreandadmireyour—hum,hum—predominantperfections,than—hum,hum—everIshallhavepowerandfacultytoexpress—hum.
Sav.Uponthevioldegambo,youmean?
Fast.It'smiserablyoutoftune,bythishand.
Sav.Nay,ratherbythefingers.
Mad.Itmakesgoodharmonywithherwit.
Fast.Sweetlady,tuneit.[Saviolinatunestheviol.]—Boy,sometobacco.
Mad.Tobaccoagain!hedoescourthismistresswithveryexceedinggoodchanges.
Fast.SigniorMacilente,youtakenone,sir?
Mad.No,unlessIhadamistress,signior,itwereagreatindecorumformetotaketobacco.
Fast.Howlikeyouherwit?
[Talksandtakestobaccobetweenagain.
Mad.Heringenuityisexcellent,sir.
EveryManOutofHisHumouri11
Fast.Youseethesubjectofhersweetfingersthere——Oh,she
ticklesitso,thatShemakesitlaughmostdivinely;I'lltell
youagoodjestnow,andyourselfshallsayit'sagoodone:Ihavewishedmyselftobethatinstrument,Ithink,athousandtimes,andnotsofew,byheaven!—
Mad.Notunlike,sir;buthow?tobecasedupandhungbyonthewall?
Fa-st.0,no,sir,tobeinuse,Iassureyou;asyourjudiciouseyesmaytestify.—
Sav.Here,servant,ifyouwillplay,come.
Fast.Instantly,sweetlady.Ingoodfaith,here'smostdivine
tobacco!
Sav.Xay,Icannotstaytodanceafteryourpipe.
Fast.Good!Xay,dearlady,stay;bythissweetsmoke,Ithinkyourwitbeallfire.—
Mad.Andhe'sthesalamanderbelongstoit.
Sav.Isyourtobaccoperfumed,servant,thatyouswearbythesweetsmoke?
Fast.Stillmoreexcellent!Beforeheaven,andthesebrightlights,Ithinkyouaremadeofingenuity,I—
Mad.True,asyourdiscourseis.Oabominable!
Fast.Willyourladyshiptakeany?
Sav.Opeace,Iprayyou;Ilovenotthebreathofawoodcock'shead.
Fast.Meaningmyhead,lady?
Sav.Xotaltogetherso,sir;but,asitwerefataltotheirfolliesthatthinktogracethemselveswithtakingtobacco,whentheywantbetterentertainment,youseeyourpipebearsthetrueformofawoodcock'shead.
Fast.Oadmirablesimile!
Sav.'Tisbestleavingofyouinadmiration,sir.[Exit.
Mad.Arethesetheadmiredlady-wits,thathavingsogoodaplainsong,canrunnobetterdivisionuponit?AllherjestsareofthestampMarchwasfifteenyearsago.Isthisthecomet,monsieurFastidious,thatyourgallantswonderats.•':
Fast.Heartofagentleman,toneglectmeaforethepresencethus!Sweetsir,Ibeseechyoubesilentinmydisgrace.Bythemuses,Iwasneverinsovileahumourinmylife,andherwitwasatthefloodtoo!Reportitnotforamillion,goodsir;letmebesofarendearedtoyourlove.[Exeunt.
Mit.Whatfollowsnext,signiorCordatus?thisgallantshumourisalmostspent;methinksitebbsapace,withthiscontrarybreath«fhismistress.
Cor.0,butitwillflowagainforallthis,tilltherecomeageneraldroughtofhumouramongallouractors,andthenIfearnotbuthiswillfallaslowaxany.Seewhopresentshimselfhere!
Mit.What,intheoldcase?
Cor.Ay,faith,whichmakesitthemorepitiful;youunderstandrethesceneis?
ACTIV
SCENEI.—ARoominDELIKO'SHouse.EnterFUNGOSO,FALLACEfollowinghim.
Fed.Whyareyousomelancholy,brother?
Fung.Iamnotmelancholy,Ithankyou,sister.
Fal.Whyareyounotmerrythen?therearebuttwoofusinalltheworld,andifweshouldnotbecomfortsonetoanother,Godhelpus!
Fung.Faith,Icannottell,sister;butifamanhadanytruemelancholyinhim,itwouldmakehimmelancholytoseehisyeomanlyfathercuthisneighbours'throats,tomakehissona
gentleman;andyet,whenhehascutthem,hewillseehisson'sthroatcuttoo,erehemakehimatruegentlemanindeed,beforedeathcuthisownthroat.Imustbethefirstheadofourhouse,andyethewillnotgivemetheheadtillIbemadeso.Isanymantermedagentleman,thatisnotalwaysinthefashion?Iwouldknowbutthat.
Fal.Ifyoubemelancholyforthat,brother,IthinkIhaveasmuchcausetobemelancholyasanyone:forI'llbesworn,IliveaslittleinthefashionasanywomaninLondon.Bythefaithofagentlewoman,beastthatIamtosayit!Ihavenotonefriendintheworldbesidesmyhusband.WhensawyoumasterFastidiousBrisk,brother?
Fung.Butawhilesince,sister,Ithink:Iknownotwellintruth.BythishandIcouldfightwithallmyheart,methinks.
Fal.Nay,goodbrother,benotresolute.
Fung.Isenthimaletter,andhewritesmenoanswerneither.
Fal.Oh,sweetFastidiousBrisk!0finecourtier!thouarthemakestmesigh,andsay,howblessedisthatwomanthathathacourtiertoherhusband,andhowmiserableadamesheis,thathathneitherhusband,norfriendinthecourt!OsweetFastidious!Ofinecourtier!Howcomelyhebowshiminhiscourt'sy!howfullhehitsawomanbetweenthelipswhenhekisses!howuprighthesitsatthetable!howdaintilyhecarves!howsweetlyhetalks,andtellsnewsofthislordandofthatlady!howcleanlyhewipeshisspoonateveryspoonfulofanywhitemeatheeats!andwhataneatcaseofpick-toothshecarriesabouthimstill!0sweetFastidious!0finecourtier!
EnterDELIROatadistance,withMusicians.
Deli.See,yondersheis,gentlemen.Now,aseveryou'llbearthenameofmusicians,touchyourinstrumentssweetly;shehasadelicateear,Itellyou:playnotafalsenote,Ibeseechyou.
Musi.Fearnot,signiorDeliro.
Deli.0,begin,begin,somesprightlything:lord,howmyimaginationlabourswiththesuccessofit![Theystrikeupalively
EveryManOutofHisHumouri13
tun?.]Wellsaid,goodi'faith!Heavengrantitpleaseher.I'llnotbeseen,forthenshe'llbesuretodislikeit.
Fal.Heyda!thisisexcellent!I'lllaymyEfethisismy
husband'sdotage.Ithoughtso;nay,neverplaybo-peepwithme;Iknowyoudonothingbutstudyhowtoangerme,sir.
Deli,[comingforward.]Angerthee,sweetwife!why,didstthounotsendformusiciansatsupperlastnightthyself?
Fal.Tosupper,sir!now,comeuptosupper,Ibeseechyou:asthoughtherewerenodifferencebetweensupper-time,whenfolksshouldbemeny,andthistimewhentheyshouldbemelancholy.Iwouldnevertakeuponmetotakeawife,ifIhadnomorejudgmenttopleaseher.
Deli.Bepleased,sweetwife,andtheyshallhavedone;andwouldtofatemylifeweredone,ifIcanneverpleasethee!
[ExeuntMusicians.EnterMACILENTE.
Mari.Saveyou,lady;whereismasterDeliro?
Deli.Here,masterMacilente:youarewelcomefromcourt,sir;nodoubtyouhavebeengracedexceedinglyofmasterBrisk'smistress,andtherestoftheladiesforhissake.
Mad.Alas,thepoorfantastic!he'sscarceknownToanyladythere;andthosethatknowhim,Knowhimthesimplestmanofalltheyknow:Deride,andplayuponhisamoroushumours,ThoughhebutapishlydothimitateThegallant'stcourtiers,kissingladies'pumps,Holdingtheclothforthem,praisingtheirwits,AndservilelyobservingeveryoneMaydothempleasure:fearfultobeseenWithanyman,thoughhebene'ersoworthy,That'snotingracewithsomethatarethegreatest.Thuscourtiersdo,andthesehecounterfeits,ButsetsnosuchasightlycarriageUpontheirvanities,astheythemselves;Andthereforetheydespisehim:forindeedHe'slikethezanytoatumbler,Thattriestricksafterhim,tomakemenlaugh.
Fal.Here'sanunthankfulspitefulwretch1thegoodgentlemanvouchsafedtomakehimhiscompanion,becausemyhusbandputhimintoafewrags,andnowseehowtheunruderascalbackbiteshim![Aside.
I>'li.Ishenomoregracedamongstthemthen,sayyou?
Muri.Faith,likeapawnatchess:fillsuparoom,that'sall.
Fal.Omonsterofmen!cantheearthbearsuchanenviouscaiti'T?[Aside.
/></>'.Well,IrepentmeIevercreditedhimsomuch:butnowIseewhatheis,andthathismaskingvi/.orisoff,I'llforbearhimnolonger.Allhislandsaremortgagedtome,andforfeited;besides,Ihavebondsofhisinmyhand,forthereceiptofnowfiftypounds
nowahundred,nowtwohundred;still,ashehashadafanbutwaggedathim,hewouldbeinanewsuit.Well,I'llsalutehimbyaserjeant,thenexttimeIseehimi'faith,I'llsuithim.
Mad.Why,youmaysoonseehim,sir,forheistomeetsigniorPuntarvoloatanotary'sbytheExchange,presently;wherehemeanstotakeup,uponreturn.
Fal.Now,outuponthee,Judas!canstthounotbecontenttobackbitethyfriend,butthoumustbetrayhim!Wiltthouseektheundoingofanyman?andofsuchamantoo?andwillyou,sir,getyourlivingbythecounseloftraitors?
Deli.Dearwife,havepatience.
Fal.Thehousewillfall,thegroundwillopenandswallowus:I'llnotbidehereforallthegoldandsilverinheaven.
[ExitwithFungoso.
Deli.O,goodMacilente,let'sfollowandappeaseher,orthepeaceofmylifeisatanend.[Exit.
Mad.Nowpease,andnotpeace,feedthatlife,whoseheadhangssoheavilyoverawoman'smanger![Exit.
SCENEII.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterFALLACEandFUNGOSOrunning;sheclapstothedoor.
Fal.Helpme,brother!Odsbody,anyoucomehereI'lldomyselfamischief.
Deli,[within.']Nay,hearme,sweetwife;unlessthouwilthavemego,Iwillnotgo.
Fal.Tut,youshallneverhavethatvantageofme,tosay,youareundonebyme.I'llnotbidyoustay,I.Brother,sweetbrother,here'sfourangels,I'llgiveyoutowardsyoursuit:fortheloveofgentry,andaseveryoucameofChristiancreature,makehastetothewaterside,(youknowwheremasterFastidioususestoland,)andgivehimwarningofmyhusband'smaliciousintent;andtellhimofthatleanrascal'streachery.Oheavens,howmyfleshrisesathim!Nay,sweetbrother,makehaste:youmaysay,Iwouldhavewrittohim,butthatthenecessityofthetimewouldnotpermit.Hecannotchoosebuttakeitextraordinarilyfromme:andcommendmetohim,goodbrother;say,Isentyou.[Exit.
Fung.Letmesee,thesefourangels,andthenfortyshillingsmoreIcanborrowonmygowninFetterLane.—Well,Iwillgopresently,sayonmysuit,payasmuchmoneyasIhave,andswearmyselfintocreditwithmytailorfortherest.[Exit.
SCENEIII.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterDELLBOandMACILENTE.
Deli.0,onmysoulyouwrongher,Macilente.Thoughshebefroward,yetIknowsheishonest.
Mad.Well,thenhaveInojudgment.Wouldanywoman,butonethatwerewildinheraffections,havebrokeoutintothat
EveryManOutofHisHumour115
immodestandviolentpassionagainstherhusband?oris'tpossible—
Deli.Ifyouloveme,forbear;alltheargumentsi'theworldshallneverwrestmyhearttobelieveit.[Exeunt.
COT.Howlikeyouthedecipheringofhisdotage?
Mit.0,strangely:andoftheother'senvytoo,thatlabourssoseriouslytosetdebatebetwixtamanandhiswife.Stay,herecomestheknightadventurer.
Cor.Ay,andhisscrivenerwithhim.
SCEXEIV.—PFNTARVOLO'SLodgings.EnterPUXTARVOLO,Notary,andServantswiththedogandcat.
Punt.IwondermonsieurFastidiouscomesnot!But,notary,ifthoupleasetodrawtheindenturesthewhile,Iwillgivetheethyinstructions.
Not.Withallmyheart,sir;andI'llfallinhandwiththempresently.
Punt.Wellthen,firstthesumistobeunderstood.
Not.[writes.]Good,sir.
Punt.Next,ourseveralappellations,andcharacterofmydogandcat,mustbeknown.Shewhimthecat,sirrah.
Not.So,sir.
Punt.Then,thattheintendedboundistheTurk'scourtinConstantinople;thetimelimitedforourreturn,ayear;andthatifeitherofusmiscarry,thewholeventureislost.Thesearegeneral,conceiv'stthou?orifeitherofusturnTurk.
Not.Ay,sir.
Punt.Now,forparticulars:thatImaymakemytravelsbyseaorland,tomybestliking;andthathiringacoachformyself,itshallbelawfulformydogorcat,orboth,toridewithmeinthesaidcoach.
Xot.Verygood,sir.
Punt.ThatImaychoosetogivemydogorcat,fish,forfearofbones;oranyothernutrimentthat,bythejudgmentofthemostauthenticalphysicianswhereItravel,shallbethoughtdangerous.
Not.Well,sir.
Punt.That,afterthereceiptofhismoney,heshallneither,inhisownperson,noranyother,eitherbydirectorindirectmeans,asmagic,witchcraft,orothersuchexoticarts,attempt,practise,orcomplotanythingtotheprejudiceofme,mydog,ormycat:neithershallIusethehelpofanysuchsorceriesorenchantments,asunctionstomakeourskinsimpenetrable,ortotravelinvisiblebyvirtueofapowder,oraring,ortohanganythree-forkedcharmaboutmydog'sneck,secretlyconveyedintohiscollar;(understandyou?)butthatallbeperformedsincerely,withoutfraudorimposture.
A'"/.So.sir.
Punt.That,fortestimonyoftheperformanr<\myselfamto
bringthenceaTurk'smustachio,mydogaGrecianhare'slips,andmycatthetrainortailofaThracianrat.
Not.[writes.']'Tisdone,sir.
Punt.'Tissaid,sir;notdone,sir.Butforward;that,uponmyreturn,andlandingontheTower-wharf,withtheaforesaidtestimony,Iamtoreceivefiveforone,accordingtotheproportionofthesumsputforth.
Not.Well,sir.
Punt.Provided,thatifbeforeourdeparture,orsettingforth,eithermyselforthesebevisitedwithsickness,oranyothercasualevent,sothatthewholecourseoftheadventurebehinderedthereby,thatthenheistoreturn,andIamtoreceivethepre-nominatedproportionuponfairandequalterms.
Not.Verygood,sir;isthisall?
Punt.Itisall,sir;anddispatchthem,goodnotary.
Not.Asfastasispossible,sir.[Exit.
EnterCARLO.
Punt.OCarlo!welcome:sawyoumonsieurBrisk?
Car.NotI:didheappointyoutomeethere?
Punt.Ay,andImuseheshouldbesotardy;heistotakeanhundredpoundsofmeinventure,ifhemaintainhispromise.
Car.Ishishourpast?
Punt.Notyet,butitcomesonapace.
Car.Tut,benotjealousofhim;hewillsoonerbreakallthecommandments,thanhishour;uponmylife,insuchacasetrusthim.
Punt.Methinks,Carlo,youlookverysmooth,ha!
Car.Why,Icamebutnowfromahot-house;Imustneedslooksmooth.
Punt.Fromahot-house!
Car.Ay,doyoumakeawonderon't?why,itisyouronlyphysic.Letamansweatonceaweek
inahot-house,andbewellrubb'd,andfroted,withagoodplumpjuicywench,andsweetlinen,heshallne'erhavethepox.
Punt.What,theFrenchpox?
Car.TheFrenchpox!ourpox:wehavetheminasgoodaformasthey,man;what?
Punt.Letmeperish,butthouartasaltone!wasyournew-createdgallanttherewithyou,Sogliardo?
Car.Oporpoise!hanghim,no:he'saleigeratHorn'sordinary,yonder;hisvillainousGanymedeandhehavebeendroningatobacco-pipethereeversinceyesterdaynoon.
Punt.Who?signiorTripartite,thatwouldgivemydogthewhifTe?
Car.Ay,he.Theyhavehiredachamberandall,private,topractisein,forthemakingofthepatoun,thereceiptreciprocal,andanumberofothermysteriesnotyetextant.Ibroughtsomedozenortwentygallantsthismorningtoviewthem,asyou'ddoapieceofperspective,inatakey-hole;andtherewemightseeSogliardo
EveryManOutofHisHumour117
sitinachair,holdinghissnoutuplikeasowunderanapple-tree,whiletheotheropen'dhisnostrilswithapoking-stick,togivethesmokeamorefreedelivery.Theyhadspitsomethreeorfourscoreouncesbetween'em,aforewecameaway.
Punt.How!spitthreeorfourscoreounces?
Car.Ay,andpreserveditinporrengers,asabarberdoeshisblood,whenheopensavein.
Punt.Out,pagan!howdostthouopentheveinofthyfriend?
Car.Friend!isthereanysuchfoolishthingintheworld,ha?'slid,Ineverrelishedityet.
Punt.Thyhumouristhemoredangerous.
Car.No,notawhit,signior.Tut,amanmustkeeptimeinall:IcanoilmytonguewhenImeethimnext,andlookwithagoodsleekforehead;'twilltakeawayallsoilofsuspicion,andthat'senough:whatLynceuscanseemyheart?Pish,thetitleofafriend!it'savain,idlething,onlyvenerableamongfools;youshallnothaveonethathasanyopinionofwitaffectit.
EnterDELIROandMACILENTE.
Deli.Saveyou,goodsirPuntarvolo.
Punt.SigniorDeliro!welcome.
Deli.Prayyou,sir,didyouseemasterFastidiousBrisk?Iheardhewastomeetyourworship
here.
Punt.Youheardnofigment,sir;Idoexpecthimateverypulseofmywatch.
Deli.Ingoodtime,sir.
Car.There'safellownowlookslikeoneofthepatriciansofSparta;marry,hiswit'safterteni'thehundred:agoodbloodhound,aclose-moutheddog,hefollowsthescentwell;marry,he'satafaultnow,methinks.
Punt.Ishouldwonderatthatcreatureisfreefromthedangerofthytongue.
Car.O,Icannotabidetheselimbsofsatin,orratherSatanindeed,thatwillwalk,likethechildrenofdarkness,alldayinamelancholyshop,withtheirpocketsfullofblanks,readytoswallowupasmanypoorunthriftsascomewithintheverge.
Punt.So!andwhathastthouforhimthatiswithhim,now?
Car.0,dnme!immortality!I'llnotmeddlewithhim;
thepureelementoffire,allspirit,extraction.
Punt.How,Carlo!ha,whatishe,man?
Car.Ascholar,Macilente;doyounotknowhim?arank,raw-bonedanatomy,hewalksupanddownlikeachargedmusket,nomandaresencounterhim:that'shisrestthere.
Punt.Hisrest!why,hasheaforkedhead?
Car.Pardonme,that'stobesuspended;youaretooquick,tooapprehensive.
Deli.Troth,nowIthinkon't,I'lldeferittillsomeothertime.
Mad.Notbyanymeans,senior,youshallnotlosethisopportunity,hewillbeherepresentlynow.
Deli.Yes,faith,Macilente,'tisbest.For,lookyou,sir,Ishallsoexceedinglyoffendmywifein't,that—
Mad.Yourwife!nowforshamelosethesethoughts,andbecomethemasterofyourownspirits.ShouldI,ifIhadawife,suffermyselftobethuspassionatelycarriedtoandfrowiththestreamofherhumour,andneglectmydeepestaffairs,toserveheraffections?'Slight,Iwouldgeldmyselffirst.
Deli.0,butsignior,hadyousuchawifeasmineis,youwould—
Mad.Suchawife!Nowhateme,sir,ifeverIdiscern'danywonderinyourwifeyet,withallthespeculationIhave:Ihaveseensomethathavebeenthoughtfairerthanshe,inmytime;andIhaveseenthose,havenotbeenaltogethersotall,esteem'dpropererwomen;andIhave
seenlessnosesgrowuponsweeterfaces,thathavedoneverywelltoo,inmyjudgment.But,ingoodfaith,signior,forallthis,thegentlewomanisagood,pretty,proud,hard-favour'dthing,marrynotsopeerlesslytobedotedupon,Imustconfess:nay,benotangry.
Deli.Well,sir,howeveryoupleasetoforgetyourself,Ihavenotdeserv'dtobethusplayedupon;buthenceforth,prayyouforbearmyhouse,forIcanbutfaintlyendurethesavourofhisbreath,atmytable,thatshallthusjademeformycourtesies.
Mad.Nay,then,signior,letmetellyou,yourwifeisnoproperwoman,andbymylife,Isuspectherhonesty,that'smore,whichyoumaylikewisesuspect,ifyouplease,doyousee?I'llurgeyoutonothingagainstyourappetite,butifyouplease,youmaysuspectit.
Deli.Good,sir.[Exit.
Mad.Good,sir!nowhornuponhornpursuethee,thoublind,egregiousdotard!
Car.O,youshallhearhimspeaklikeenvy.—SigniorMacilente,yousawmonsieurBrisklately:Iheardyouwerewithhimatcourt.
Mad.Ay,Buffone,Iwaswithhim.
Car.Andhowisherespectedthere?Iknowyou'lldealingenuouslywithus;ishemademuchofamongstthesweetersortofgallants?
Mad.Faith,ay;hiscivetandhiscasting-glassHavehelpthimtoaplaceamongsttherest:Andthere,hisseniorsgivehimgoodslightlooks,Aftertheirgarb,smile,andsaluteinFrenchWithsomenewcompliment.
Car.What,isthisall?
Mad.Whysay,thattheyshouldshewthefrothyfoolSuchgraceastheypretendcomesfromtheheart,Hehadamightywindfalloutofdoubt!Why,alltheirgracesarenottodograceTovirtueordesert;buttoridebothWiththeirgiltspursquitebreathless,fromthemselves.'Tisnowesteem'dprecisianisminwit,Andadiseaseinnature,tobekind
EveryManOutofHisHumour119
Towarddesert,toloveorseekgoodnames.
Whofeedswithagoodname?whothriveswithloving?
Whocanprovidefeastforhisowndesires,
Withservingothers?—ha,ha,ha!
'Tisfolly,byourwisestworldlingsproved,
Ifnottogainbylove,tobebeloved.
Car.Howlikeyouhim?is'tnotagoodspitefulslave,ha?
Punt.Shrewd,shrewd.
Car.D—nme!Icouldeathisfleshnow;divinesweetvillain!
Mad.Nay,pritheeleave:What'shethere?
Car.Who?thisinthestarchedbeard?it'sthedullstiffknightPuntarvolo,man;he'stotravelnowpresently:hehasagoodknottywit;marry,hecarrieslittleon'toutofthelandwithhim.
Mad.Howthen?
Car.Heputsitforthinventure,ashedoeshismoneyuponthereturnofadogandcat.
Mad.Isthishe?
Car.Ay,thisishe;agoodtoughgentleman:helookslikeashieldofbrawnatShrove-tide,outofdate,andreadytotakehisleave;oradrypoleoflinguponEaster-eve,thathasfurnish'dthetableallLent,ashehasdonethecitythislastvacation.
Mad.Come,you'llneverleaveyourstabbingsimiles:Ishallhaveyouaimingatmewith'embyandby;but—
Car.O,renouncemethen!pure,honest,gooddevil,Ilovetheeabovetheloveofwomen:Icoulde'enmeltinadmirationofthee,now.Odsso,lookhere,man;SirDagonetandhissquire!
EnterSOGLIARDOandSHIFT.
Sog.Saveyou,mydeargallantos:nay,come,approach,goodcavalier:prithee,sweetknight,knowthisgentleman,he'sonethatitpleasesmetouseasmygoodfriendandcompanion;andthereforedohimgoodoffices:Ibeseechyou,gentles,knowhim,Iknowhimallover.
Punt.Sir,forsigniorSogliardo'ssake,letitsuffice,Iknowyou.
Sog.Why,asIamagentleman,Ithankyou,knight,anditshallsuffice.Harkyou,sirPuntarvolo,you'dlittlethinkit;he'sasresoluteapieceoffleshasanyintheworld.
Punt.Indeed,sir!
Sog.Uponmygentility,sir:Carlo,awordwithyou;doyouseethatsamefellow,there?
Car.What,cavalierShift?
Sog.O,youknowhim;cryyoumercy:beforeme,IthinkhimthetallestmanlivingwithinthewallsofEurope.
Car.ThewallsofEurope!takeheedwhatyousay,signior,Europe'sahugethingwithinthe
walls.
Sog.Tut,an'twereashugeagain,I'djustifywhatIspeak.'Slid,heswagger'devennowinaplacewherewewere—Ineversawamandoitmoreresolute.
Car.Nay,indeed,swaggeringisagoodargumentofresolution.Doyouhearthis,signior?
Mad.Ay,tomygrief.0,thatsuchmuddyflags,ForeverydrunkenflourishshouldachieveThenameofmanhood,whilsttrueperfectvalour,Hatingtoshewitself,goesbydespised!Heart!Idoknownow,inafairjustcause,Idaredomorethanhe,athousandtimes:Whyshouldnottheytakeknowledgeofthis,ha!Andgivemyworthallowancebeforehis?BecauseIcannotswagger.—Now,thepoxLightonyourPickt-hatchprowess!
Sog.Why,Itellyou,sir;hehasbeentheonlyBid-standthafceverkeptNew-market,Salisbury-plain,Hockleyi'theHole,Gads-hill,andallthehighplacesofanyrequest:hehashadhismaresandhisgeldings,he,havebeenworthforty,threescore,ahundredpoundahorse,wouldha'sprungyouoverhedgeandditchlikeyourgreyhound:hehasdonefivehundredrobberiesinhistime,moreorless,Iassureyou.
Punt.What,andscaped?
Sog.Scaped!i'faith,ay:hehasbrokenthegaolwhenhehasbeeninironsandirons;andbeenoutandinagain;andout,andin;fortytimes,andnotsofew,he.
Mad.Afittrumpet,toproclaimsuchaperson.
Car.Butcanthisbepossible?
Shift.Why,'tisnothing,sir,whenamangiveshisaffectionstoit.
Sog.GoodPylades,discoursearobberyortwo,tosatisfythesegentlemenofthyworth.
Shift.Pardonme,mydearOrestes;causeshavetheirquiddits,and'tisilljestingwithbell-ropes.
Car.How!PyladesandOrestes?
Sog.Ay,heiamyPylades,andIamhisOrestes:howlikeyoutheconceit?
Car.O,'tisanoldstaleinterludedevice:no,I'llgiveyounamesmyself,lookyou;heshallbeyourJudas,andyoushallbehiselder-treetohangon.
Mad.Nay,ratherlethimbecaptainPod,andthishismotion:forhedoesnothingbutshewhim.
Car.Excellent:orthus;youshallbeHolden,andheyourcamel.
Shift.Youdonotmeantoride,gentlemen?
Punt.Faith,letmeenditforyou,gallants:youshallbehisCountenance,andheyourResolution.
Sog.Troth,that'spretty:howsayyou,cavalier,shallitbeso?
Car.Ay,ay,mostvoices.
Shift.Faith,Iameasilyyieldingtoanygoodimpressions.
Sog.Thengivehands,goodResolution.
Car.Mass,hecannotsay,goodCountenance,now,properly,tohimagain.
Punt.Yes,byanirony.
Mart.0,sir,thecountenanceofResolutionshould,asheis,bealtogethergrimandunpleasant.
EnterFASTIDIOUSBRISK.
Fast.Goodhoursmakemusicwithyourmirth,gentlemen,andkeeptimetoyourhumours!—Hownow,Carlo?
Punt.MonsieurBrisk?manyalonglookhaveIextendedforyou,sir.
Fast.Goodfaith,Imustcravepardon:Iwasinvitedthismorning,ereIwasoutofmybed,byabevyofladies,toabanquet:whenceitwasalmostoneofHercules'slaboursformetocomeaway,butthattherespectofmypromisedidsoprevailwithme.Iknowthey'lltakeitveryill,especiallyone,thatgavemethisbraceletofherhairbutovernight,andthispearlanothergavemefromherforehead,marryshewhat!arethewritingsready?
Punt.Iwillsendmymantoknow.Sirrah,goyoutothenotary's,andlearnifhebeready:leavethedog,sir.[ExitServant.
Fast.Andhowdoesmyrarequalifiedfriend,Sogliardo?Oh,signiorMacilente!bytheseeyes,Isawyounot;Ihadsalutedyousoonerelse,o'mytroth.Ihope,sir,Imaypresumeuponyou,thatyouwillnotdivulgemylatecheck,ordisgrace,indeed,sir.
Mad.Youmay,sir.
Car.Heknowssomenotoriousjestbythisgull,thathehathhimsoobsequious.
Sog.MonsieurFastidious,doyouseethisfellowthere?doeshenotlooklikeaclown?wouldyouthinktherewereanythinginhim?
Fast.Anythinginhim!beshrewme,ay;thefellowhathagoodingeniousface.
Sog.Bythiselementheisasingeniousatallmanaseverswag-ger'daboutLondon:he,andI,callCountenanceandResolution;buthisnameiscavalierShift.
Punt.Cavalier,youknewsigniorClog,thatwashang'dfortherobberyatHarrowonthehill?
Sog.Knewhim,sir!why,'twashegaveallthedirectionsfortheaction.
Punt.How!wasityourproject,sir?
Shift.Pardonme,Countenance,youdomesomewrongtomakeoccasionspublic,whichIimpartedtoyouinprivate.
Sog.God'swill!herearenonebutfriends,Resolution.
Shift.That'sallone;thingsofconsequencemusthavetheirrespects;where,how,andtowhom.—Yes,sir,heshewedhimselfatrueCloginthecoherenceofthataffair,sir;for,ifhehadmannedmattersastheywerecorroboratedtohim,ithadbeenlicttcrforhimbyafortyorfiftyscoreofpounds,sir;andhehimselfmighthavelived,indespightoffates,tohavefedonwoodcocks,\\iththeresl:butitwashisheavyfortunetosink,poorClog!andthi-ivi'orotalknomoreofhim.
Punt.Whv,hadhemoreaidersthen?
Sog.0lord,sir!ay,thereweresomepresentthere,thatweretheNineWorthiestohim,i'faith.
Shift.Ay,sir,Icansatisfyyouatmoreconvenientconference:but,formineownpart,Ihavenowreconciledmyselftoothercourses,andprofessalivingoutofmyotherqualities.
Sog.Nay,hehasleftallnow,Iassureyou,andisabletolivelikeagentleman,byhisqualities.Bythisdog,hehasthemostraregiftintobaccothateveryouknew.
Car.Hekeepsmoreadowiththismonster,thaneverBanksdidwithhishorse,orthefellowwiththeelephant.
Mad.Hewillhangouthispictureshortly,inacloth,youshallsee.
Sog.0,hedoesmanageaquarrelthebestthateveryousaw,fortermsandcircumstances.
Fast.Goodfaith,signior,nowyouspeakofaquarrel,I'llacquaintyouwithadifferencethathappenedbetweenagallantandmyself;sirPuntarvolo,youknowhimifIshouldnamehim,signiorLucu-lento.
Punt.Luculento!whatinauspiciouschanceinterposeditselftoyourtwoloves?
Fast.Faith,sir,thesamethatsunderedAgamemnonandgreatThetis'son;butletthecauseescape,sir:hesentmeachallenge,mixtwithsomefewbraves,whichIrestored,andinfinewemet.Now,indeed,sir,Imusttellyou,hedidofferatfirstverydesperately,butwithoutjudgment:for,lookyou,sir,Icastmyselfintothisfigure;nowhecomesviolentlyon,andwithaladvancinghisrapiertostrike,Ithoughttohavetookhisarm,forhehadlefthiswholebodytomyelection,andIwassurehecouldnotrecoverhisguard.Sir,Imistmypurposeinhisarm,rash'dhisdoublet-sleeve,ranhimclosebytheleftcheek,andthroughhishair.He
againlightsmehere,—Ihadonagoldcablehatband,thennewcomeup,whichIworeaboutamureyFrenchhatIhad,—cutsmyhatband,andyetitwasmassygoldsmith'swork,cutsmybrims,whichbygoodfortune,beingthickembroideredwithgoldtwistandspangles,disappointedtheforceoftheblow:nevertheless,itgrazedonmyshoulder,takesmeawaysixpurlsofanItaliancut-workbandIwore,costmethreepoundintheExchangebutthreedaysbefore.
Punt.Thiswasastrangeencounter.
Fast.Nay,youshallhear,sir:withthiswebothfellout,andbreath'd.Now,uponthesecondsignofhisassault,Ibetookmetotheformermannerofmydefence;he,ontheotherside,abandon'dhisbodytothesamedangerasbefore,andfollowsmestillwithblows:butIbeinglothtotakethedeadlyadvantagethatlaybeforemeofhisleftside,madeakindofstramazoun,ranhimuptothehiltsthroughthedoublet,throughtheshirt,andyetmiss'dtheskin.He,makingareverseblow,—fallsuponmyem-boss'dgirdle,Ihadthrownoffthehangersalittlebefore—strikesoffaskirtofathick-lacedsatindoubletIhad,linedwithfour
taffatas,cutsofftwopanesembroideredwithpearl,rendsthroughthedrawings-outoftissue,entersthelinings,andskipstheflesh.
Car.Iwonderhespeaksnotofhiswroughtshirt.
Fast.Here,intheopinionofmutualdamage,wepaused;but,ereIproceed,Imusttellyou,signior,that,inthislastencounter,nothavingleisuretoputoffmysilverspurs,oneoftherowelscatch'dholdoftheruffleofmyboot,and,beingSpanishleather,andsubjecttotear,overthrowsme,rendsmetwopairofsilkstockings,thatIputon,beingsomewhatarawmorning,apeachcolourandanother,andstrikesmesomehalfinchdeepintothesideofthecalf:he,seeingthebloodcome,presentlytakeshorse,andaway:I,havingboundupmywoundwithapieceofmywroughtshirt
Car.0!comesitinthere?
Fast.Ridafterhim,and,lightingatthecourtgatebothtogether,embraced,andmarch'dhandinhandupintothepresence.Wasnotthisbusinesswellcarried?
Mad.Well!yes,andbythiswecanguesswhatapparelthegentlemanwore.
Punt.Torevalour,itwasadesignmentbegunwithmuchresolution,maintain'dwithasmuchprowess,andendedwithmorehumanity.
Re-enterServant.
Hownow,whatsaysthenotary?
Serv.Hesays,heisready,sir;hestaysbutyourworship'spleasure.
Punt.Come,wewillgotohim,monsieur.Gentlemen,shallweentreatyoutobewitnesses?
Sog.Youshallentreatme,sir.—Come,Resolution.
Shift.Ifollowyou,goodCountenance.
Car.Come,signior,come,come.[ExeuntallbutMacilente.
Maci.O,thatthereshouldbefortuneToclothethesemen,sonakedindesert!AndthatthejuststormofawretchedlifeBeatsthemnotraggedfortheirwretchedsouls,And,sinceasfruitless,evenasblack,ascoals![Exit.
Mit.Why,butsignior,howcomesitthatFungosoappearednotwithhissister'sintelligencetoBrisk?
Cor.Marry,longoftheevilangelsthatshegavehim,whohaveindeedtemptedthegoodsimpleyouthtofollowthetailofthefashion,andneglecttheimpositionofhisfriends.Behold,herehecomes,veryworshipfullyattended,andwithgoodvariety.
SCENEV.—ARoominDELIRO'SHouse.
EnterFTJNGOSOinanewsuit,followedbyhisTailor,Shoemaker,
andHaberdasher.
Fung.Gramercy,goodshoemaker,I'llputtostringsmyself.[ExitShoemaker.]—Now,sir,letmesee,whatmustyouhaveforthishat?
Habe.Here'sthebill,sir.
Fung.Howdoesitbecomeme,well?
Tai.Excellent,sir,aseveryouhadanyhatinyourlife.
Fung.Nay,you'llsaysoall.
Habe.Infaith,sir,thehat'sasgoodasanymaninthistowncanserveyou,andwillmaintainfashionaslong;nevertrustmeforagroatelse.
Fung.Doesitapplywelltomysuit?
Tai.Exceedingwell,sir.
Fung.Howlik'stthoumysuit,haberdasher?
Habe.Bymytroth,sir,'tisveryrarelywellmade;Ineversawasuitsitbetter,Icantellon.
Tai.Nay,wehavenoarttopleaseourfriends,we!
Fung.Here,haberdasher,tellthissame.[Giveshimmoney.
Habe.Goodfaith,sir,itmakesyouhaveanexcellentbody.
Fung.Nay,believeme,IthinkIhaveasgoodabodyinclothesasanother.
Tai.Youlackpointstobringyourappareltogether,sir.
Fung.I'llhavepointsanon.Hownow!Is'tright?
Habe.Faith,sir,'tistoolittle;butuponfartherhopesGood
morrowtoyou,sir.[Exit.
Fung.Farewell,goodhaberdasher.Well,now,masterSnip,letmeseeyourbill.
Mit.Methinkshedischargeshisfollowerstoothick.
Cor.0,thereinhesaucilyimitatessomegreatman.Iwarrantyou,thoughheturnsoffthem,hekeepsthistailor,inplaceofapage,tofollowhimstill.
Fung.Thisbillisveryreasonable,infaith:harkyou,masterSnip—Troth,sir,Iamnotaltogethersowellfurnishedatthis
present,asIcouldwishIwere;butifyou'lldomethefavour
totakepartinhand,youshallhaveallIhave,bythishand.
Tai.Sir
Fung.Andbutgivernecreditfortherest,tillthebeginningofthenextterm.
Tai.Olord,sir
Fung.'ForeGod,andbythislight,I'llpayyoutotheutmost,andacknowledgemyselfverydeeplyengagedtoyoubythecourtesy.
Tai.Why,howmuchhaveyouthere,sir?
Fung.Marry,Ihaveherefourangels,andfifteenshillingsofwhitemoney:it'sallIhave,asIhopetobeblest.
EveryManOutofHisHumour125
Tai.You\villnotfailmeatthenexttermwiththerest?
Fung.No,anIdo,prayheavenIbehang'd.Letmeneverbreatheagainuponthismortalstage,asthephilosophercallsit!Bythisair,andasIamagentleman,I'llhold.
Cor.Hewereaniron-heartedfellow,inmyjudgment,thatwouldnotcredithimuponthisvolleyofoaths.
Tai.Well,sir,I'llnotstickwithanygentlemanforatrifle:youknowwhat'tisremains?
Fung.Ay,sir,andIgiveyouthanksingoodfaith.Ofate,howhappyIammadeinthisgoodfortune!Well,nowI'llgoseekoutmonsieurBrisk.'Odsso,Ihaveforgotribandformyshoes,
andpoints.'Slid,whatluck'sthis!howshallIdo?MasterSnip,prayletmereductsometwoorthreeshillingsforpointsandribands:asIamanhonestman,Ihaveutterlydisfurnishedmyself,inthedefaultofmemory;prayletmebebeholdingtoyou;itshallcomehomeinthebill,believeme.
Tai.Faith,sir,Icanhardlydepartwithreadymoney;butI'lltakeup,andsendyousomebymyboypresently.Whatcolouredribandwouldyouhave?
Fung.Whatyoushallthinkmeetinyourjudgment,sir,tomysuit.
Tai.Well,I'llsendyousomepresently.
Fung.Andpointstoo,sir?
Tai.Andpointstoo,sir.
Fung.Goodlord,howshallIstudytodeservethiskindnessofyou,sir!Prayletyouryouthmakehaste,forIshouldhavedoneabusinessanhoursince,thatIdoubtIshallcometoolate.[ExitTailor.]Now,ingoodfaith,Iamexceedingproudofmysuit.
Cor.Doyouobservetheplungesthatthispoorgallantisputto,signior,topurchasethefashion?
Mit.Ay,andtobestillafashionbehindwiththeworld,that'sthesport.
Cor.Stay:0,heretheycomefromseal'danddeliver'd.
SCEXEVI.—PUNTARVOLO'SLodgings.
EnterPTTNTARVOLO,FASTIDIOUSBRISKinanewsuit,andServantswitftthedog.
Punt.Well,nowmywholeventureisforth,Iwillresolvetodepartshortly.
Fast.Faith,sirPuntarvolo,gotothecourt,andtakeleaveoftheladiesfirst.
Punt.Icarenot,ifitbethisafternoon'slabour.WhereisCarlo?
Fast.Herehecomes.
EnterCARLO,SOGLIARDO,SHIFT,andMACILENTE.
Car.Faith,gallants,Iampersuadingthisgentleman[pointstoSogliardo]toturncourtier.Heisamanoffairrevenue,andhisestatewillbearthechargewell.Besides,forhisothergiftsofthemind,orso,whytheyareasnaturelenthimthem,pure,simple,withoutanyartificialdrugormixtureofthesetwothreadbarebeggarlyqualities,learningandknowledge,andthereforethemoreaccommodateandgenuine.Now,forthelifeitself
Fast.O,themostcelestial,andfullofwonderanddelight,thatcanbeimagined,signior,beyondthoughtandapprehensionofpleasure!Amanlivesthereinthatdivinerapture,that
hewillthinkhimselfi'theninthheavenforthetime,andloseallsenseofmortalitywhatsoever,whenheshallbeholdsuchglorious,andalmostimmortalbeauties;hearsuchangelicalandharmoniousvoices,discoursewithsuchflowingandambrosialspirits,whosewitsareassuddenaslightning,andhumorousasnectar;oh,itmakesamanallquintessenceandflame,andliftshimup,inamoment,totheverycrystalcrownofthesky,where,hoveringinthestrengthofhisimagination,heshallbeholdallthedelightsoftheHesperides,theInsulseFortunatae,Adonis'Gardens,Tempe,orwhatelse,confinedwithintheamplestvergeofpoesy,tobemereumbrae,andimperfectfigures,conferredwiththemostessentialfelicityofyourcourt.
Mad.Well,thisecomiumwasnotextemporal,itcametooperfectlyoff.
Car.Besides,sir,youshallneverneedtogotoahot-house,youshallsweattherewithcourtingyourmistress,orlosingyourmoneyatprimero,aswellasinallthestovesinSweden.Marry,this,sir,youmusteverbesuretocarryagoodstrongperfumeaboutyou,thatyourmistress'sdogmaysmellyououtamongsttherest;and,inmakinglovetoher,neverfeartobeout;foryoumayhaveapipeoftobacco,orabassviolshallhango'thewall,ofpurpose,willputyouinpresently.ThetricksyourResolutionhastaughtyouintobacco,thewhiffe,andthosesleights,willstandyouinverygoodornamentthere.
Fast.Ay,tosome,perhaps;but,anheshouldcometomymistresswithtobacco(thisgentlemanknows)she'dreplyuponhim,i'faith.O,bythisbrightsun,shehasthemostacute,ready,and
facetiouswitthattut,there'snospiritabletostandher.You
canreportit,signior,youhaveseenher.
Punt.Thencanhereportnoless,outofhisjudgment,Iassurehim.
Mad.Troth,Ilikeherwellenough,butshe'stooself-conceited,methinks.
Fast.Ay,indeed,she'salittletooself-conceited;an'twerenotforthathumour,shewerethemost-to-be-admiredladyintheworld.
Punt.Indeed,itisahumourthattakesfromherotherexcellences.
EveryManOutofHisHumour127
Mad.Why,itmayeasilybemadetoforsakeher,inmythought.
Fast.Easily,sir!thenareallimpossibilitieseasy.
Mad.Youconcludetooquickuponme,signior.Whatwillyousay,ifImakeitsoperspicuouslyappearnow,thatyourselfshallconfessnothingmorepossible?
Fast.Marry,Iwillsay,Iwillbothapplaudandadmireyouforit.
Punt.AndIwillsecondhimintheadmiration.
Maci.Why,I'llshowyou,gentlemen.—Carlo,comehither.
[Mad.,Car.,Punt.,andFast,whispertogether.
Sog.Goodfaith,Ihaveagreathumourtothecourt.WhatthinksmyResolution?shallIadventure?
Shift.Troth,Countenance,asyouplease;theplaceisaplaceofgoodreputationandcapacity.
Sog.O,mytricksintobacco,asCarlosays,willshowexcellentthere.
Shift.Why,youmaygowiththesegentlemennow,andseefashions;andafter,asyoushallseecorrespondence.
Sog.Yousaytrue.Youwillgowithme,Resolution?
Shift.Iwillmeetyou,Countenance,aboutthreeorfouro'clock;but,tosaytogowithyou,Icannot;for,asIamApple-John,Iamtogobeforethecockatriceyousawthismorning,andthereforepray,presentmeexcused,goodCountenance.
Sog.Farewell,goodResolution,butfailnottomeet.
Shift.AsIlive.[Exit.
Punt.Admirablyexcellent!
Mad.IfyoucanbutpersuadeSogliardotocourt,there'sallnow.
Car.O,letmealone,that'smytask.[GoestoSoghardo.
Fast.Xow,bywit,Macilente,it'sabovemeasureexcellent;'twillbetheonlycourt-exploitthateverprovedcourtieringenious.
Punt.Uponmysoul,itputstheladyquiteoutofherhumour,andweshalllaughwithjudgment.
Car.Come,thegentlemanwasofhimselfresolvedtogowithyou,aforeImovedit.
Mad.Why,then,gallants,youtwoandCarlogoaforetopreparethejest;SogliardoandIwillcomesomewhileafteryou.
Car.Pardonme,Iamnotforthecourt.
Punt.That'strue;Carlocomesnotatcourt,indeed.Well,youshallleaveittothefacultyofmonsieurBrisk,andmyself;uponourlives,wewillmanageithappily.CarloshallbespeaksupperattheMitre,againstwecomeback:wherewewillmeetanddimpleourcheekswithlaughteratthesuccess.
Car.Ay,butwillyoupromisetocome?
Punt.Myselfshallundertakeforthem;hethatfails,lethisreputationlieunderthelashofthytongue.
Car.Odsso,lookwhocomeshere!
EnterFUNGOSO.Sog.What,nephew!
Fung.Uncle,Godsaveyou;didyouseeagentleman,onemonsieurBrisk,acourtier?hegoesinsuchasuitasIdo.
Sog.Hereisthegentleman,nephew,butnotinsuchasuit.
Fung.Anothersuit!
Sog.Hownow,nephew?
Fast.Wouldyouspeakwithme,sir?
Car.Ay,whenhehasrecoveredhimself,poorPoll!
Punt.Somerosa-solis.
Mad.Hownow,signior?
Fung.Iamnotwell,sir.
Mad.Why,thisitistodogthefashion.
Car.Nay,come,gentlemen,rememberyouraffairs;hisdiseaseisnothingbutthefluxofapparel.
Punt.Sirs,returntothelodging,keepthecatsafe;I'llbethedog'sguardianmyself.[ExeuntServants.
Sog.Nephew,willyougotocourtwithus?thesegentlemenandIareforthecourt;nay,benotsomelancholy.
Fung.'Slid,IthinknomaninChristendomhasthatrascallyfortunethatIhave.
Mad.Faith,yousuitiswellenough,signior.
Fung.Nay,notforthat,Iprotest;butIhadanerrandtomonsieurFastidious,andIhaveforgotit.
Mad.Why,goalongtocourtwithus,andrememberit;come,gentlemen,youthreetakeoneboat,andSogliardoandIwilltakeanother;weshallbethereinstantly.
Fast.Content:goodsir,vouchsafeusyourpleasance.
Punt.Farewell,Carlo:remember.
Car.Iwarrantyou:wouldIhadoneofKemp'sshoestothrowafteryou.
Punt.Goodfortunewillclosetheeyesofourjest,fearnot:andweshallfrolick.[Exeunt.
Mit.ThisMadlente,signior,beginstobemoresociableonasudden,methinks,thanhewasbefore:there'ssomeportentinit,Ibelieve.
Cor.0,he'safellowofastrangenature.Nowdoeshe,inthiscalmofhishumour,plot,andstoreupaworldofmaliciousthoughtsinhisbrain,tillheissofullwiththem,thatyoushallseetheverytorrentofhisenvybreakforthlikealand-flood:and,againstthecourseofalltheiraffections,opposeitselfsoviolently,thatyouivillalmostJiavewondertothink,how'tispossiblethecurrentoftheirdispositionsshallreceivesoquickandstronganalteration.
Mit.Ay,marry,sir,thisisthat,onwhichmyexpectationJiasdweltallthiswhile;forImusttellyou,signior,thoughIwaslothtointerruptthescene,yetImadeitaquestioninmineownprivatediscourse,howheshouldproperlycallitEveryManoutofhisHumour,whenIsawallhisactorssostronglypursue,andcontinuetheirhumours?
Cor.Why,thereinhisartappearsmostfulloflustre,andapproachethnearestthelife;especiallywhenintheflameandheightoftheirhumours,theyarelaidflat,itfillstheeyebetter,andwithmorecontentment.Howtediousasightwereittobeholdaproudexaltedtree
EveryManOutofHisHumour129
lopt,andcutdownbydegrees,whenitmightbe.felVdinamoment!andtosettheaxetoitbeforeitcametothatprideandfulness,were,asnottohaveitgrow.
I\Iit.Well,IshalllongtillIseethisfall,youtalkof.
Cor.Tohelpyourlonging,signior,letyourimaginationbeswifterthanapairofoars:andbythis,supposePuntarvolo,Brisk,Fungoso,andthedog,arrivedatthecourt-gate,andgoinguptothegreatchamber.MacilenteandSogliardo,we'llleavethemonthewater,tillpossibilityandnaturalmeansmaylandthem.Herecomethegallants,nowprepareyourexpectation.
ACTV
SCENEI.—ThePalaceStairs.
EnterPUNTARVOLO,withhisdog,followedbyFASTIDIOUSBRISKandFUXGOSO.
Punt.Come,gentles,Signior,youaresufficientlyinstructed.
Fast.Who,I,sir?
Punt.No,thisgentleman.Butstay,Itakethoughthowtobestowmydog;heisnocompetentattendantforthepresence.
Fast.Mass,that'strue,indeed,knight;youmustnotcarryhimintothepresence.
Punt.Iknowit,andI,likeadullbeast,forgottobringoneofmycormorantstoattendme.
Fast.Why,youwerebestleavehimattheporter'slodge.
Punt.Notso;hisworthistoowellknownamongstthem,tobeforth-coming.
Fast.'Slight,howwillyoudothen?
Punt.Imustleavehimwithonethatisignorantofhisquality,ifIwillhavehimtobesafe.Andsee!herecomesonethatwillcarrycoals,ergo,willholdmydog.
EnteraGroom,withabasket.
Myhonestfriend,mayIcommitthetuitionofthisdogtothyprudentcare?
Groom.Youmay,ifyouplease,sir.
Punt.Praytheeletmefindtheehereatmyreturn;itshallnotbelong,tillIwilleasetheeofthyemployment,andpleasethee.Forth,gentles.
Fast.Why,butwillyouleavehimwithsoslightcommand,andinfusenomorechargeuponthefellow?
Punt.Charge!no;therewerenopoliryinthat;thatweretolethimknowthevalueofthegemheholds,andsototemptfrailnatureagainstherdisposition.No,praytheeletthyhonestybesweet,asitshallbeshort.
Groom.Yes,sir.
Punt.Butharkyou,gallants,andchinlymonsieurBrisk:whenWPcomeineye-shot,orpresenceofthislady,letnotothermatters
carryusfromourproject;but,ifwecan,singleherforthtosomeplace
Fast.Iwarrantyou.
Punt.Andbenottoosudden,butletthedeviceinduceitselfwithgoodcircumstance.On.
Fung.Isthistheway?goodtruth,herebefinehangings.
[ExeuntPunt.,Fast.,andFungoso.
Groom.HonestyIsweet,andshortIMarry,itshall,sir,doubtyounot;forevenatthisinstantifonewouldgivemetwentypounds,Iwouldnotdeliverhim;there'sforthesweet:butnow,ifanymancomeoffermebuttwo-pence,heshallhavehim;there'sfortheshortnow.'Slid,whatamadhumorousgentlemanisthistoleavehisdogwithme!Icouldrunawaywithhimnow,anhewereworthanything,j
EnterMACILENTEandSOGLJARDO.
Maci.Comeon,signior,nowpreparetocourtthisall-wittedlady,mostnaturally,andlikeyourself.
Sog.Faith,anyousaytheword,I'llbegintoherintobacco.
Maci.O,fieon't!no;youshallbeginwith,Howdoesmysweetlady,or,Whyareyousomelancholy,madam?thoughshebeverymerry,it'sallone.Besuretokissyourhandoftenenough;prayforherhealth,andtellher,howmorethanmostfairsheis.Screwyourfaceatonesidethus,andprotest:letherfleer,andlookaskance,andhideherteethwithherfan,whenshelaughsafit,tobringherintomorematter,that'snothing:youmusttalkforward,(thoughitbewithoutsense,soitbewithoutblushing,)'tismostcourt-likeandwell.
Sog.ButshallInotusetobaccoatall?
Maci.0,bynomeans;'twillbutmakeyourbreathsuspected,andthatyouuseitonlytoconfoundtheranknessofthat.
Sog.Nay,I'llbeadvised,sir,bymyfriends.
Maci.Od'smylife,seewheresirPuntarvolo'sdogis.
Groom.Iwouldthegentlemanwouldreturnforhisfollowerhere,I'llleavehimtohisfortuneselse.
Maci.'Tweretheonlytruejestintheworldtopoisonhimnow;ha!bythishandI'lldoit,ifIcouldbutgethimofthefellow.[Aside.]SigniorSogliardo,walkaside,andthinkuponsomedevicetoentertaintheladywith.
Sog.SoIdo,sir.[Walksoffinameditatingposture.
Maci.Hownow,minehonestfriend!whosedog-keeperartthou?
Groom.Dog-keeper,sir!IhopeIscornthat,i'faith.
Maci.Why,dostthounotkeepadog?
Groom.Sir,nowIdo,andnowIdonot:[throwsoffthedog.]Ithinkthisbesweetandshort.Makemehisdog-keeper![Exit.
Maci.Thisisexcellent,aboveexpectation!nay,stay,sir;[seizingthedog.]you'dbetravelling;butI'llgiveyouadramshallshortenyourvoyage,here.[Giveshimpoison.]So,sir,I'llbeboldtotakemyleaveofyou.NowtotheTurk'scourtinthe
j
devil'sname,foryoushallnevergoo'God'sname.[Kickshimout.]—Sogliardo,come.
Sog.Ihaveiti'faithnow,willstingit.
Mad.Takeheedyouleeseitnot,signior,ereyoucomethere;preserveit.[Exeunt.
Cor.Howlikeyouthisfirstexploitofhis?
Mit.0,apieceoftrueenvy;butIexpecttheissueoftheotherdevice.
Cor.Heretheycomewillmakeitappear.
SCENEII.—AnApartmentinthePalace.EnterSAVIOLIXA,PUNTARVOLO,FASTIDIOUSBRISK,andFUNGOSO.
Sav.Why,Ithought,sirPuntarvolo,youhadbeengoneyourvoyage?
Punt.Dearandmostamiablelady,yourdivinebeautiesdobindmetothoseoffices,thatIcannotdepartwhenIwould.
Sav.Tismostcourt-likespoken,sir;buthowmightwedotohaveasightofyourdogandcat?
Fast.Hisdogisinthecourt,lady.
Sav.Andnotyourcat?howdareyoutrustherbehindyou,sir.
Punt.Troth,madam,shehathsoreeyes,andshedothkeepherchamber;marry,Ihaveleftherundersufficientguard,therearetwoofmyfollowerstoattendher.
Sav.I'llgiveyousomewaterforhereyes.Whendoyougo,sir?
Punt.Certes,sweetlady,Iknownot.
Fast.Hedothstaytherather,madam,topresentyouracutejudgmentwithsocourtlyandwellpartedagentlemanasyetyourladyshiphathneverseen.
Sav.Whatishe,gentlemonsieurBrisk?notthatgentleman?
[PointstoFungoso.
Fast.No,lady,thisisakinsmantojusticeSilence.
Punt.Pray,sir,givemeleavetoreporthim.He'sagentleman,lady,ofthatrareandadmirablefaculty,as,Iprotest,IknownothislikeinEurope;heisexceedinglyvaliant,anexcellentscholar,andsoexactlytravelled,thatheisable,indiscourse,todeliveryouamodelofanyprince'scourtintheworld;speaksthelanguageswiththatpurityofphrase,andfacilityofaccent,thatitbreedsastonishment;hiswit,themostexuberant,and,abovewonder,pleasant,ofallthateverenteredtheconcaveofthisear.
Fast.'Tismosttrue,lady;marry,heisnosuchexcellentproperman.
Punt.Histravelshavechangedhiscomplexion,madam.
Sav.0,sirPuntarvolo,youmustthinkeverymanwasnotborntohavemyservantBrisk'sfeature.
Punt.Butthatwhichtranscendsall,lady;hedothBOpeerlesslyimitateanymannerofpersonforgesture,action,passion,orwhatever
Fast.Ay,especiallyarusticoraclown,madam,thatitisnotpossibleforthesharpest-sightedwitintheworldtodiscernanysparksofthegentlemaninhim,whenhedoesit.
Sav.0,monsieurBrisk,benotsotyrannoustoconfineallwitswithinthecompassofyourown;notfindthesparksofagentlemaninhim,ifhebeagentleman!
Fung.No,intruth,sweetlady,Ibelieveyoucannot.
Sav.Doyoubelieveso?why,Icanfindsparksofagentlemaninyou,sir.
Punt.Ay,heisagentleman,madam,andareveller.
Fung.Indeed,IthinkIhaveseenyourladyshipatourrevels.
Sav.Likeenough,sir;butwouldImightseethiswonderyoutalkof;mayonehaveasightofhimforanyreasonablesum?
Punt.Yes,madam,hewillarrivepresently.
Sav.What,andshallweseehimclownit?
Fast.I'faith,sweetlady,thatyoushall;see,herehecomes.
EnterMACILENTEandSOGLIARDO.
Punt.Thisishe!prayobservehim,lady.
Sav.Beshrewme,heclownsitproperlyindeed,
Punt.Nay,markhiscourtship.
Sog.Howdoesmysweetlady?hotandmoist?beautifulandlusty?ha!
Sav.Beautiful,anitpleaseyou,sir,butnotlusty.
Sog.0ho,lady,itpleasesyoutosayso,intruth:Andhowdoesmysweetlady?inhealth?Bonaroba,quceso,quenovelles?quenovelles?sweetcreature!
Sav.Oexcellent!why,gallants,isthishethatcannotbedeciphered?theywereveryblear-witted,i'faith,thatcouldnotdiscernthegentlemaninhim,
Punt.Butyoudo,inearnest,lady?
Sav.DoI,sir!why,ifyouhadanytruecourt-judgmentinthecarriageofhiseye,andthat
inwardpowerthatformshiscountenance,youmightperceivehiscounterfeitingasclearasthenoonday;alasnay,ifyouwouldhavetriedmywit,indeed,you
shouldneverhavetoldmehewasagentleman,butpresentedhimforatrueclownindeed;andthenhaveseenifIcouldhavedecipheredhim.
Fast.'ForeGod,herladyshipsaystrue,knight:butdoeshenotaffecttheclownmostnaturally,mistress?
Punt.O,shecannotbutaffirmthat,outofthebountyofherjudgment.
Sav.Nay,outofdoubthedoeswell,foragentlemantoimitate:butIwarrantyou,hebecomeshisnaturalcarriageofthegentleman,muchbetterthanhisclownery.
Fast."Tisstrange,intruth,herladyshipshouldseesofarintohim!
Punt.Ay,isitnot?
Sav.Faith,aseasilyasmaybe;notdecipherhim,quothyou!
Fung.Goodsadness,Iwonderatit.
Mad.Why,hasshedecipheredhim,gentlemen?
Punt.O,mostmiraculously,andbeyondadmiration.
Maci.Isitpossible?
Fast.Shehathgather'dmostinfalliblesignsofthegentlemaninhim,that'scertain.
Sav.Why,gallants,letmelaughatyoualittle:wasthisyourdevice,totrymyjudgmentinagentleman?
Maci.Xay,lady,donotscornus,thoughyouhavethisgiftofperspicacyaboveothers.Whatifheshouldbenogentlemannow,butaclownindeed,lady?
Punt.Howthinkyouofthat?wouldnotyourladyshipbeOutofvourHumour?
•/
Fast.0,butsheknowsitisnotso.
Sav.Whatifhewerenotaman,yemayaswellsay?Xay,ifyourworshipscouldgullmeso,indeed,youwerewiserthan}~ouaretakenfor.
Maci.Ingoodfaith,lady,heisaveryperfectclown,bothbyfatherandmother;thatI'llassureyou.
Sav.O,sir,youareverypleasurable.
Maci.Xay,"dobutlookonhishand,andthatshallresolveyou;lookyou,lady,whatapalmhereis.
Sog.Tut,thatwaswithholdingtheplough.
Maci.Theplough!didyoudiscernanysuchthinginhim,madam?
Fast.Faithno,shesawthegentlemanasbrightasnoon-day,she;shedecipheredhimatfirst.
Maci.Troth,Iamsorryyourladyship'ssightshouldbesosuddenlystruck.
Sav.0,youaregoodlybeagles!
Fast.What,isshegone?
Sog.Xay,stay,sweetlady:quenovelles?quenorrllr*?
Sav.Out,youfool,you!'[Exitinanger.
Fung.She'sOutofherHumour,i'faith.
Fast.Xay,let'sfollowitwhile'tishot,gentlemen.
Punt.Come,onminehonourweshallmakeherblushinthepresence;myspleenisgreatwithlaughter.
Maci.Yourlaughterwillbeachildofafeeblelife,Ibelieve,sir.[Aside.]—Come,signior,yourlooksaretoodejected,methinks;whymixyounotmirthwiththerest?
Fung.Od'swill,thissuitfretsmeatthesoul.I'llhaveitalter'dto-morrow,sure.[Exeunt
SCEXEIII.—TnePalaceStairs.EnterSHIFT.
Shift.Iamcometothecourt,tomeetwithmyrY>untenarvr\Sogliardo;poormenmustbegladofsuchcountenance,whentheycangetnobetter.Well,needmayinsultuponaman,butitshallnevermakehimdespairofconsequence.Theworldwillsay,'tis
base:tush,base!'tisbasetoliveundertheearth,notbasetoliveaboveitbyanymeans.
EnterFASTIDIOUS,PUNTARVOLO,SOGLIARDO,FUNGOSO,
andMACLLENTE.
Fast.Thepoorladyismostmiserablyoutofherhumour,i'faith.
Punt.Therewasneversowittyajestbroken,atthetiltofallthecourtwitschristen'd.
Mad.O,thisapplausetaintsitfoully.
Sog.IthinkIdidmypartincourting.—0,Resolution!
Punt.Ayme,mydog!
Mad.Whereishe?
Fast.'Sprecious,goseekforthefellow,goodsignior.
[ExitFungoso.
Punt.Here,hereIlefthim.
Mad.Why,nonewasherewhenwecameinnow,butcavalierShift;enquireofhim.
Fast.DidyouseesirPuntarvolo'sdoghere,cavalier,sinceyoucame?
Shift.Hisdog,sir!hemaylookhisdog,sir;Isawnoneofhisdog,sir.
Mad.Uponmylife,hehasstolenyourdog,sir,andbeenhiredtoitbysomethathaveventuredwithyou;youmayguessbyhisperemptoryanswers.
Punt.Notunlike;forhehathbeenanotoriousthiefbyhisownconfession.Sirrah,whereismydog?
Shift.Chargemewithyourdog,sir!Ihavenoneofyourdog,sir.
Punt.Villain,thouliest.
Shift.Lie,sir!s'blood,—youarebutaman,sir.
Punt.Rogueandthief,restorehim.
Sog.Takeheed,sirPuntarvolo,whatyoudo;he'llbearnocoals,Icantellyou,o'myword.
Mad.Thisisrare.
Sog.It'smariehestabsyounot:Bythislight,hehathstabbedforty,forfortytimeslessmatter,Icantellyouofmyknowledge.
Punt.Iwillmaketheestoop,thouabject.
Sog.Makehimstoop,sir!Gentlemen,pacifyhim,orhe'llbekill'd.
Mad.Ishesotallaman?
Sog.Tallaman!ifyoulovehislife,standbetwixtthem.Makehimstoop!
Punt.Mydog,villain,orIwillhangthee;thouhastconfestrobberies,andotherfeloniousacts,tothisgentleman,thyCountenance
Sog.I'llbearnowitness.
Punt.Andwithoutmydog,Iwillhangthee,forthem.
[Shiftkneels.
Sog.What!kneeltothineenemies!
Shift.Pardonme,goodsir;Godismywitness,Ineverdidrobberyinallmylife.
Re-enterFUNGOSO.
Fung.O,sirPuntarvolo,yourdogliesgivinguptheghostinthewood-vard.
•/
Mad.Heart,ishenotdeadyet![Aside.
Punt.0,mydog,borntodisastrousfortune!prayyouconductme,sir.[ExitwithFungoso.
Sog.How!didyouneverdoanyrobberyinyourlife?
Mad.0,thisisgood!soheswore,sir.
Sog.Ay,Iheardhim:anddidyousweartrue,sir?
Shift.Ay,asIhopetobeforgiven,sir,Ineverrobbedanyman;Ineverstoodbythehighwayside,sir,butonlysaidso,becauseIwouldgetmyselfaname,andbecountedatallman.
Sog.Nowout,baseviliaco!thoumyResolution!IthyCountenance!Bythislight,gentlemen,hehathconfesttomethemostinexorablecompanyofrobberies,anddamn'dhimselfthathedid'em:youneverheardthelike.Out,scoundrel,out!followmenomore,Icommandthee;outofmysight,go,hence,speaknot;Iwillnothearthee:away,camouccio![ExitShift.
Mad.0,howIdofeeduponthisnow,andfatmyself!herewereacoupleunexpectedlydishumour'd.Well,bythistime,Ihope,sirPuntarvoloandhisdogarebothoutofhumourtotravel.[Aside.}—Xay,gentlemen,whydoyounotseekouttheknight,andcomforthim?oursupperattheMitremustofnecessityholdto-night,ifyouloveyourreputations.
Fast.ToreGod,Iamsomelancholyforhisdog'sdisaster—butI'llgo.
Sog.Faith,andImaygotoo,butIknowIshallbesomelancholy.
Mad.Tush,melancholy!youmustforgetthatnow,andrememberyoulieatthemercyofafury:Carlowillrackyoursinewsasunder,andrailyoutodust,ifyoucomenot.[Exeunt.
Mit.0,thentheirfearofCarlo,belike,makesthemlioldtheirmeeting.
Cor.Ay,herehecomes;conceive,himbuttobeenterdtheMitre,and'tisenough.
SCEXEIV.—ARoomattheMitre.
EnterCARLO.
Car.Holla!wherebetheseshot-sharks?
EnterDrawer.
Draw.Byandby;youarewelcome,goodmasterBufTone.Car.Where'sGeorge?callmeGeorgehither,<|'iickly.Draw.Whatwinepleaseyouhave,sir?I'lldrawyouthat'sneit,masterBuffone.
Car.Away,neophite,doasIbidthee,bringmydearGeorgetome:—
EnterGEORGE.Mass,herehecomes.
George.Welcome,masterCarlo.
Car.What,issupperready,George?
George.Ay,sir,almost:Willyouhavetheclothlaid,masterCarlo?
Car.0,whatelse?Arenoneofthegallantscomeyet?
George.Noneyet,sir.
Car.Stay,takemewithyou,George;letmehaveagoodfatloinofporklaidtothefire,presently.
George.Itshall,sir.
Car.Andwithal,hearyou,drawmethebiggestshaftyouhaveoutofthebuttyouwotof;away,youknowmymeaning,George;quick!
George.Done,sir.[Exit.
Car.Ineverhungeredsomuchforanythinginmylife,asIdotoknowourgallants'successatcourt;nowisthatlean,bald-ribMacilente,thatsaltvillain,plottingsomemischievousdevice,andliesasoakingintheirfrothyhumourslikeadrycrust,tillhehasdrunk'emallup:Couldthepummicebutholduphiseyesatothermen'shappiness,inanyreasonableproportion,'slid,theslaveweretobelovednextheaven,abovehonour,wealth,richfare,apparel,wenches,allthedelightsofthebellyandthegroin,whatever.
Re-enterGEORGEwithtwojugsofwine.
George.Here,masterCarlo.
Car.Isitright,boy?
George.Ay,sir,Iassureyou'tisright.
Car.Wellsaid,mydearGeorge,depart:[ExitGeorge.]—Come,mysmallgimblet,youinthefalsescabbard,away,so![PutsforththeDrawer,andshutsthedoor.]Nowtoyou,sirBurgomaster,let'stasteofyourbounty.
Mit.What,willhedealuponsuchquantitiesofwine,alone?Cor.Youwillperceivetliat,sir.
Car.[drinks.]Ay,marry,sir,here'spurity;0,George—Icould
biteoffhisnoseforthisnow,sweetrogue,hehasdrawnnectar,the
verysoulofthegrape!I'llwashmytempleswithsomeon't
presently,anddrinksomehalfascoredraughts;'twillheatthe
brain,kindlemyimagination,Ishalltalknothingbutcrackersand
fire-worksto-night.So,sir!pleaseyoutobehere,sir,andIhere:so.
[Setsthetwocupsasunder,drinkswiththeone,andpledgeswith
theother,speakingforeachofthecups,anddrinkingalternately.
Cor.Thisisworththeobservation,signior.
Car.1Cup.Now,sir,here'stoyou;andIpresentyouwithsomuchofmylove.
2Cup.Itakeitkindlyfromyou,sir[drinks],andwillreturnyouthelikeproportion;butwithal,sir,rememberingthemerrynightwehadatthecountess's,youknowwhere,sir.
1Cup.Byheaven,youputmeinmindnowofaverynecessaryoffice,whichIwillproposeinyourpledge,sir;thehealthofthathonourablecountess,andthesweetladythatsatbyher,sir.
2Cup.Idovailtoitwithreverence[drinks].Andnow,signior,withtheseladies,I'llbeboldtomixthehealthofyourdivinemistress.
1Cup.Doyouknowher,sir?
2Cup.0lord,sir,ay;andintherespectfulmemoryandmentionofher,Icouldwishthiswinewerethemostpreciousdrugintheworld.
1Cup.Goodfaith,sir,youdohonourmein'texceedingly.[Drinks.]
.Mit.Whomshouldhepersonateinthis,signior?Cor.Faith,Iknownot,sir;observe,observehim.
2Cup.Ifitwerethebasestfilth,ormudthatrunsinthechannel,Iamboundtopledgeit
respectively,sir.[Drinks.]Andnow,sir,hereisareplenish'dbowl,whichIwillreciprocallyturnuponyou,tothehealthofthecountFrugale.
1Cup.ThecountFrugale'shealth,sir?I'llpledgeitonmyknees,bythislight.[Kneels.
2Cup.Willyou,sir?I'lldrinkitonmyknees,then,bythelight.
Mit.Whythisisstrange.
Cor.Haveyouheardabetterdrunkendialogue?
2Cup.Nay,domeright,sir.
1Cup.SoIdo,infaith.
2Cup.Goodfaithyoudonot;minewasfuller.
1Cup.Why,believeme,itwasnot.
2Cup.Believemeitwas;andyoudolie.
1Cup.Lie,sir!
2Cup.Ay,sir.
1Cup.'Swounds!yourascal!
2Cup.0,come,stabifyouhaveamindtoit.1Cup.Stab!dostthouthinkIdarenot?
Car.[speaksinhisownperson.]Nay,Ibeseechyou.gentlemen,whatmeansthis?nay,look,forshamerespectyourreputations.
[Overturnswine,pot,cups,andall.
Eitt'rMACII.KNTE.
Mnd.Why,hownow,(';ul<>!whathumour'sthis?Car.0,mygoodmischief!artthoucome?wherearetherest,\\herearetherest?
Mad.Faith,threeofourordnanceareburst.
Car.Burst!howcomesthat?
Mad.Faith,overcharged,overcharged.
Car.Butdidnotthetrainhold?
Had.O,yes,andthepoorladyisirrecoverablyblownup.
Car.Why,butwhichofthemunitionismiscarried,ha?
Maci.Imprimis,sirPuntarvolo;next,theCountenanceandResolution.
Car.How,how,fortheloveofwit?
Maci.Troth,theResolutionisprovedrecreant;theCountenancehathchangedhiscopy;andthepassionateknightissheddingfuneraltearsoverhisdeparteddog.
Car.What!ishisdogdead?
Maci.Poison'd,'tisthought;marry,how,orbywhom,that'sleftforsomecunningwomanhereo'theBank-sidetoresolve.Formypart,Iknownothingmorethanthatweareliketohaveanexceedingmelancholysupperofit.
Car.'Slife,andIhadpurposedtobeextraordinarilymerry,Ihaddrunkoffagoodpreparativeofoldsackhere;butwilltheycome,willtheycome?
Maci.Theywillassuredlycome;marry,Carlo,asthoulov'stme,runover'emallfreelyto-night,andespeciallytheknight;sparenosulphurousjestthatmaycomeoutofthatsweatyforgeofthine;butplythemwithallmannerofshot,minion,saker,culverin,oranything,whatthouwilt.
Car.Iwarrantthee,mydearcaseofpetrionels;soIstandnotindreadofthee,butthatthou'Itsecondme.
Maci.Why,mygoodGermantapster,Iwill.
Car.WhatGeorge!Lomtero,Lomtero,etc.[Singsanddances.
Re-enterGEORGE.
George.Didyoucall,masterCarlo?
Car.Morenectar,George:Lomtero,etc.
George.Yourmeat'sready,sir,anyourcompanywerecome.
Car.Istheloinofporkenough?
George.Ay,sir,itisenough.[Exit.
Maci.Pork!heart,whatdostthouwithsuchagreasydish?Ithinkthoudostvarnishthyfacewiththefaton't,itlookssolikeaglue-pot.
Car.True,myraw-bonedrogue,andifthouwouldstfarcethyleanribswithittoo,theywouldnot,likeraggedlaths,ruboutsomanydoubletsastheydo;butthouknow'stnotagooddish,thou.0,it'stheonlynourishingmeatintheworld.Nomarvelthoughthatsaucy,stubborngeneration,theJews,wereforbiddenit;forwhatwouldtheyhavedone,wellpamper'dwithfatpork,thatdurstmurmurattheirMakeroutofgarlickandonions?'Slight!fedwithit,thewhoresonstrummel-patch'd,goggled-eyedgrumble-dories,wouldhavegigantomachised—
Re-enterGEORGEwithwine.Wellsaid,mysweetGeorge,fill,fill.
Mit.Thissavourstoomuchofprofanation.
EveryManOutofHisHumour139
Cor.0Serveturadimum,
Qualisabincceptoprocesserit,etsibiconstet.
Thenecessityofhisveincompelsatoleration,for;barthis,anddash
himoutofhumourbeforehistime.
Car.'Tisanaxiominnaturalphilosophy,rvhatcomesnearestthenatureofthatitfeeds,convertsquickertonourishment,anddothsooneressentiate.Nownothinginfleshandentrailsassimilatesorresemblesmanmorethanahogorswine.[Drinks.
Mad.True;andhe,torequitetheircourtesy,oftentimesdoffethhisownnature,andputsontheirs;aswhenhebecomesaschurlishasahog,orasdrunkasasow;buttoyourconclusion.[Drinks.
Car.Marry,Isay,nothingresemblingmanmorethanaswine,itfollows,nothingcanbemorenourishing;forindeed(butthatitabhorsfromournicenature)ifwefedupononeanother,weshouldshootupagreatdealfaster,andthrivemuchbetter;Irefermetoyourusurouscannibals,orsuchlike;butsinceitissocontrary,pork,pork,isyouronlyfeed.
Mad.Itakeit,yourdevilbeofthesamediet;hewouldneverhavedesiredtohavebeenincorporatedintoswineelse.—0,herecomesthemelancholymess;upon'em,Carlo,charge,charge!
EnterPUNTARVOLO,FASTIDIOUSBRISK,SOGLIARDO,and
FUNGOSO.
Car.'ForeGod,sirPuntarvolo,Iamsorryforyourheaviness:bodyo'me,ashrew'dmischance!why,hadyounounicorn'shorn,norbezoar'sstoneaboutyou,ha?
Punt.Sir,Iwouldrequestyoubesilent.
Mad.Nay,tohimagain.
Car.Takecomfort,goodknight,ifyourcathaverecoveredhercatarrh,fearnothing;yourdog'smischancemaybeholpen.
Fast.Sayhow,sweetCarlo;for,soGodmendme,thepoorknight'smoansdrawmeintofellowshipofhismisfortunes.Butbenotdiscouraged,goodsirPuntarvolo,Iamcontentyouradventureshallbeperformeduponyourcat.
Mad.Ibelieveyou,musk-cod,Ibelieveyou;forratherthanthouwould'stmakepresentrepayment,thouwould'sttakeituponhisownbarereturnfromCalais.[Aside.
Car.Nay,'slife,he'dbecontent,sohewerewellridoutofhiscompany,topayhimfiveforone,athisnextmeetinghiminPaul's.[AsidetoMadlente.]—Butforyourdog,sirPuntarvolo,ifhebenotout-rightdead,thereisafriendofmine,aquack-salver,shallputlifeinhimagain,that'scertain.
Fung.O,no,thatcomestoolate.
Mad.'Sprecious!knight,willyousufTorthis?
Punt.Drawer,getmeacandleandhardwaxpresently.
[ExitGeorge.
Sog.Ay,andbringups'ipprr:forTamsomelancholy.
Car.O,signior,where'syourResolution?
Sog.Resolution!hanghim,rascal:0,Carlo,ifyouloveme,donotmentionhim.
Car.Why,howso?
Sog.0,thearrantestcrocodilethateverChristianwasacquaintedwith.Bymygentry,IshallthinktheworseoftobaccowhileIlive,forhissake:Ididthinkhimtobeastallaman
Mad.Nay,Buffone,theknight,theknight.[AsidetoCarlo.
Car.'Slud,helookslikeanimagecarvedoutofbox,fullofknots;hisfaceis,foralltheworld,likeaDutchpurse,withthemouthdownward,hisbeardthetassels;andhewalks—letmesee—asmelancholyasoneo'themaster'ssideintheCounter.—Doyouhear,sirPuntarvolo?
Punt.Sir,Idoentreatyou,nomore,butenjoinyoutosilence,asyouaffectyourpeace.
Car.Nay,butdearknight,understandherearenonebutfriends,andsuchaswishyouwell,Iwouldhaveyoudothisnow;flaymeyourdogpresently(butinanycasekeepthehead)andstuffhisskinwellwithstraw,asyouseethesedeadmonstersatBartholomewfair.
Punt.Ishallbesudden,Itellyou.
Car.0,ifyoulikenotthat,sir,getmesomewhatalessdog,andclapintotheskin;here'saslaveaboutthetownhere,aJew,oneYohan:orafellowthatmakesperukeswillglueitonartificially,itshallneverbediscern'd;besides,'twillbesomuchthewarmerforthehoundtotravelin,youknow.
Mad.SirPuntarvolo,death,canyoubesopatient!
Car.Orthus,sir;youmayhave,asyoucomethroughGermany,afamiliarforlittleor
nothing,shallturnitselfintotheshapeofyourdog,oranything,whatyouwill,forcertainhours[Puntarvolostrikeshim]——Odsmylife,knight,whatdoyoumean?you'lloilernoviolence,willyou?hold,hold!
Re-enterGEORGE,withwax,andalightedcandle.
Punt.'Sdeath,youslave,youban-dog,you!
Car.Asyoulovewit,staytheenragedknight,gentlemen.
Punt.Bymyknighthood,hethatstirsinhisrescue,dies.—Drawer,begone![ExitGeorge.
Car.Murder,murder,murder!
Punt.Ay,areyouhowling,youwolf?—Gentlemen,asyoutenderyourlives,suffernomantoentertillmyrevengebeperfect.Sirrah,Buffone,liedown;makenoexclamations,butdown;down,youcur,orIwillmakethybloodflowonmyrapierhilts.
Car.Sweetknight,holdinthyfury,and'foreheavenI'llhonourtheemorethantheTurkdoesMahomet.
Punt.Down,Isay![Carloliesdown.]—Who'sthere?
[Knockingwithin.
Cons,[within.]Here'stheconstable,openthedoora.
Car.GoodMacilente
Punt.Opennodoor;iftheAdalantadoofSpainwereherehe
EveryManOutofHisHumour141
shouldnotenter:onehelpmewiththelight,gentlemen;youknockinvain,sirofficer.Car.Ettu,Brute!
Punt.Sirrah,closeyourlips,orIwilldropitinthineeyes,byheaven.
Car.0!0!
Cons.[within.'}Openthedoor,orIwillbreakitopen.Mad.Nay,goodconstable,havepatiencealittle;youshallcomeinpresently;wehavealmostdone.
[PuntarrolosealsupCarlo'slips.
Punt.So,now,areyouOutofyourHumour,sir?Shift,gentlemen.
[Theyalldraw,andrunout,exceptFungoso,whoconcealshimselfbeneaththetable.
EnterConstableandOfficers,andseizeFASTIDIOUSasheis
rushingby.
Cons.Layholduponthisgallant,andpursuetherest.
Fast.Layholdonme,sir,forwhat?
Cons.Marry,foryourriothere,sir,withtherestofyourcompanions.
Fast.Myriot!masterconstable,takeheedwhatyoudo.Carlo,didIofferanyviolence?
''<>ns.0,sir,youseeheisnotincasetoansweryou,andthatmakesyousoperemptory.
Re-enterGEORGEandDrawer.
Fast.Peremptory!'Slife,Iappealtothedrawers,ifIdidhimanyhardmeasure.
George.Theyareallgone,there'snoneofthemwillbelaidanyholdon.
Cons.Well,sir,youareliketoanswertilltherestcanbefoundout.
Fast.'Slid,Iappealto(.Vor^ehere.
Cons.Tut,Georgewasnothere:awaywithhimtotheCounter,sirs.—Come,sir,youwerebestgetyourselfclrestsomewhere.
[ExeuntCon*t.andOtfio'rs,tritliFaxt.andCar.
George.Goodlord,thatmasterCarlocouldnottakeheed,amiknowingwhatagentlemantheknightis,ifhebeanirry.
l>rair,r.\[.<>\onVIM.theyhaveleftallthemeatonourhands;\\tuiidthey\\ereehouked\\illiitforme!
-inf,-r.M.vcii.i:\ri:.
M>i,-i.\Yliat.aretheyLr»ne.sirs?George.O,here'smaster.Maeilente.
Mari.[fn)inlingtoFungosn.]Sirrah.George,doyouseethatconeealmentthere,thatnipkinunderthetable?-i••/-•/'.'(>dsso.siLr!ii<>rFMMU'OSO!Mari.He'sLr""dpaunforthereekoniriir:l>esureyoukeephim
here,andlethimnotgoawaytillIcomeagain,thoughheoffertodischargeall;I'llreturnpresently.
George.Sirrah,wehaveapawnforthereckoning.
Draw.What,ofMacilente?
George.No;lookunderthetable.
Fung,[creepingout.]Ihopeallbequietnow;ifIcangetbutforthofthisstreet,Icarenot:masters,Iprayyoutellnie,istheconstablegone?
George.What,masterFungoso!
Fung.Was'tnotagooddevicethissameofme,sirs?
George.Yes,faith;haveyoubeenhereallthiswhile?
Fung.Olord,ay;goodsir,lookanthecoastbeclear,I'dfainbegoing.
George.All'sclear,sir,butthereckoning;andthatyoumustclearandpaybeforeyougo,Iassureyou.
Fung.Ipay!'Slight,IeatnotabitsinceIcameintothehouse,yet.
Draw.Why,youmaywhenyouplease,'tisallreadybelowthatwasbespoken.
Fung.Bespoken!notbyme,Ihope?
George.Byyou,sir!Iknownotthat;but'twasforyouandyourcompany,Iamsure.
Fung.Mycompany!'Slid,Iwasaninvitedguest,soIwas.
Draw.Faithwehavenothingtodowiththat,sir:theyareallgonebutyou,andwemustbeanswered;that'stheshortandthelongon't.
Fung.Nay,ifyouwillgrowtoextremities,mymasters,thenwouldthispot,cup,andallwereinmybelly,ifIhaveacrossaboutme.
George.What,andhavesuchapparel!donotsayso,signior;thatmightilydiscreditsyourclothes.
Fung.AsIamanhonestman,mytailorhadallmymoneythismorning,andyetImustbefaintoaltermysuittoo.Goodsirs,letmego,'tisFridaynight,andingoodtruthIhavenostomachintheworldtoeatanything.
Draw.That'snomatter,soyoupay,sir.
Fung.'Slight,withwhatconsciencecanyouaskmetopaythatIneverdrankfor?
George.Yes,sir,Ididseeyoudrinkonce
Fung.Bythiscup,whichissilver,butyoudidnot;youdomeinfinitewrong:Ilookedinthepotonce,indeed,butIdidnotdrink.
Draw.Well,sir,ifyoucansatisfyourmaster,itshallbeallonetous.
Within.George!
George.Byandby.[Exeunt.
Cor.Losenotyourselfnow,signior.
EveryManOutofHisHumour143
SCENEV.—.4RoominDELIBO'SHouse.EnterMACILENTEandDELIRO.
Mad.Tilt,sir,youdidbeartoohardaconceitofmeinthat;butIwillnowmakemylovetoyoumosttransparent,inspiteofanydustofsuspicionthatmayberaisedtocloudit;andhenceforth,sinceIseeitissoagainstyourhumour,Iwillneverlabourtopersuadeyou.
Deli.Why,Ithankyou,signior;butwhatisthatyoutellmemayconcernmypeacesomuch?
Mad.Faith,sir,'tisthus.Yourwife'sbrother,signiorFungoso,beingatsupperto-nightatatavern,withasortofgallants,therehappenedsomedivisionamongstthem,andheisleftinpawnforthereckoning.Now,ifeveryoulookthattimeshallpresentyouwithanhappyoccasiontodoyourwifesomegraciousandacceptableservice,takeholdofthisopportunity,andpresentlygoandredeemhim;for,beingherbrother,andhiscreditsoamplyengagedasnowitis,whensheshallhear,(ashecannothimself,buthemustoutofextremityreportit,)thatyoucame,andofferedyourselfsokindly,andwiththatrespectofhisreputation;why,thebenefitcannotbutmakeherdote,andgrowmadofyouraffections.
Deli.Now,byheaven,Macilente,Iacknowledgemyselfexceedinglyindebtedtoyou,bythiskindtenderofyourlove;andIamsorrytorememberthatIwaseversorude,toneglectafriendofyourimportance.—Bringmeshoesandacloakhere.—Iwasgoingtobed,ifyouhadnotcome.Whattavernisit?
Mad.TheMitre,sir.
Deli.0!Why,Fido!myshoes.—Goodfaith,itcannotbutpleaseherexceedingly.
EnterFALLACE.
Fal.Come,Imariewhatpieceofnight-workyouhaveinhandnow,thatyoucallforacloak,andyourshoes:What,isthisyourpander?
Deli.0,sweetwife,speaklower,Iwouldnotheshouldheartheeforaworld
Fal.Hanghim,rascal,Icannotabidehimforhistreachery,withhiswildquick-setbeardthere.Whithergoyounowwithhim?
Deli.No,whitherwithhim,dearwife;Igoalonetoaplace,fromwhenceIwillreturninstantly.—GoodMacilente,acquaintnotherwithitbyanymeans,itmaycomesomuchthemoreaccepted;framesomeotheranswer.—I'llcomebackimmediately.|/.
Fal.Nay,anIbenotworthytoknow\vliitheryougo,staytillItakeknowledgeofyourcomingback.
Mad.Hearyou,mistressDeliro.
Fal.So,sir,andwhatsayyou?
Mad.Faith,lady,myintentswillnotdeservethisslightrespect,whenyoushallknowthem.
Fal.Yourintents!why,whatmayyourintentsbe,forGod'ssake?
Maci.Troth,thetimeallowsnocircumstance,lady,thereforeknowthiswasbutadevicetoremoveyourhusbandhence,andbestowhimsecurely,whilst,withmoreconveniency,Imightreport
toyouamisfortunethathathhappenedtomonsieurBriskNay,
comfort,sweetlady.Thisnight,beingatsupper,asortofyounggallantscommittedariot,forthewhichheonlyisapprehendedandcarriedtotheCounter,where,ifyourhusband,andothercreditors,shouldbuthaveknowledgeofhim,thepoorgentlemanwereundoneforever.
Fal.Ahme!thathewere.
Maci.Now,therefore,ifyoucanthinkuponanypresentmeansforhisdelivery,donotforeslowit.Abribetotheofficerthatcommittedhimwilldoit.
Fal.0lord,sirIheshallnotwantforabribe;prayyou,willyoucommendmetohim,andsayI'llvisithimpresently.
Maci.No,lady,Ishalldoyoubetterservice,inprotractingyourhusband'sreturn,thatyoumaygowithmoresafety.
Fal.Goodtruth,soyoumay;farewell,goodsir.[ExitMaci.]—Lord,howawomanmaybemistakeninaman!IwouldhaveswornuponalltheTestamentsintheworldhehadnotlovedmasterBrisk.Bringmemykeysthere,maid.Alas,goodgentleman,ifallIhaveinthisearthlyworldwillpleasurehim,itshallbeathisservice.[Exit.
Mit.HowMacilentesweatsinthisbusiness,ifyoumarkhim!Cor.Ay,youshallseethetruepictureofspite,anon:herecomesthepawnandhisredeemer.
SCENEVI.—ARoomattheMITRE.EnterDELIRO,FUNGOSO,andGEORGE.
Deli.Come,brother,benotdiscouragedforthis,man;what!
Fung.No,truly,Iamnotdiscouraged;butIprotesttoyou,brother,Ihavedoneimitatinganymoregallantseitherinpurseorapparel,butasshallbecomeagentleman,forgoodcarriage,orso.
Deli.Yousaywell.—Thisisallinthebillhere,isitnot?
George.Ay,sir.
Deli.There'syourmoney,tellit:and,brother,IamgladImetwithsogoodoccasiontoshewmylovetoyou.
Fung.IwillstudytodeserveitingoodtruthanIlive.
Deli.What,isitright?
George.Ay,sir,andIthankyou.
Fung.Letmehaveacapon'slegsaved,nowthereckoningispaid.
George.Youshall,sir.[Exit.
EnterMACILENTE.
Maci.Where'ssigniorDeliro?Deli.Here,Macilente.
EveryManOutofHisHumour145
Mad.Harkyou,sir,haveyoudispatch'dthissame?
Deli.Ay,marryhaveI.
Mad.Wellthen,Icantellyounews;BriskisintheCounter.
Deli.IntheCounter!
Mad.'Tistrue,sir,committedforthestirhereto-night.NowwouldIhaveyousendyourbrotherhomeaforehim,withthereportofthisyourkindnessdonehim,tohissister,whichwillsopleasinglypossessher,andoutofhismouthtoo,thatinthemeantimeyoumayclapyouractiononBrisk,andyourwife,beinginsohappyamood,cannotentertainitill,byanymeans.
Deli.'Tisverytrue,shecannot,indeed,Ithink.
Mad.Think!why'tispastthought;youshallnevermeetthelikeopportunity,Iassureyou.
Deli.Iwilldoit.—Brother,prayyougohomeafore(thisgentlemanandIhavesomeprivatebusiness),andtellmysweetwifeI'llcomepresently.
Fung.Iwill,brother.
Mad.And,signior,acquaintyoursister,howliberally,andoutofhisbounty,yourbrotherhasusedyou(doyousee?),madeyouamanofgoodreckoning;redeem'dthatyouneverwerepossestof,credit;gaveyouasgentlemanliketermsasmightbe;foundnofaultwithyourcomingbehindthefashion;nornothing.
Fung.Nay,Iamoutofthosehumoursnow.
Mad.Well,ifyoubeout,keepyourdistance,andbenotmadeashot-cloganymore.—Come,signior,let'smakehaste.[Exeunt.
SCENEVII.—TheCounter.EnterFALLACEandFASTIDIOUSBRISK.
Fal.0,masterFastidious,whatpityisittoseesosweetamanasyouare,insosouraplace![A'wweshim.
Cor.Asuponherlips,doesshemean?
Mit.0,thisistobeimaginedtheCounter,belike.
Fast.Troth,fairlady,'tisfirstthepleasureofthefates,andnextoftheconstable,tohaveitso:butIampatient,andindeedcomfortedthemoreinyourkindvisit.
Fal.Nay,youshallbecomfortedinmemorethanthis,ifyouplease,sir.Isentyouwordbymybrother,sir,thatmyhusbandlaidto'restyouthismorning;1knownotwhetheryoureceiveditorno.
Fast.No,believeit,sweetcreature,yourbrothergavemenosuchintelligence.
Fal.O,thelord!
/•"'/*/.Buthasyourhusbandanysuchpurpose?
Fal.0,sweetmasterBrisk,yes:andthereforebepresentlydischarged,forifhecomewithhisactionsuponyou,Lorddeliveryou!youareinforonehalf-a-scoreyear;hekeptapoormaninLudj_Mteoncetwelveyearforsixteenshillings.\\here'syourkeeper?for
love'ssakecallhim,lethimtakeabribe,anddespatchyou.Lord,howmyhearttrembles!herearenospies,arethere?
Fast.No,sweetmistress.Whyareyouinthispassion?
Fal.Olord,masterFastidious,ifyouknewhowItookupmyhusbandto-day,whenhesaidhewouldarrestyou;andhowIrailedathimthatpersuadedhimtoit,thescholarthere(who,onmyconscience,lovesyounow),andwhatcareItooktosendyouintelligencebymybrother;andhowIgavehimfoursovereignsforhispains:andnow,howIcamerunningouthitherwithoutmanorboywithme,sosoonasIheardon't;you'dsayIwereinapassionindeed.Yourkeeper,forGod'ssake!0,masterBrisk,as'tisinEuphues,HardisthecJioice,whenoneiscompelledeitherbysilencetodiewithgrief,orbyspeakingtolivewithshame.
Fast.Fairlady,Iconceiveyou,andmaythiskissassureyou,thatwhereadversityhath,asitwere,contracted,prosperityshallnot——Od'sme!yourhusband.
EnterDELIROandMACILENTB.
Fal.Ome!
Deli.Ay!Isitthus?
Mad.Why,hownow,signiorDeliro!hasthewolfseenyou,ha?HathGorgon'sheadmademarbleofyou?
Deli.Someplanetstrikemedead!
Mad.Wliy,lookyou,sir,Itoldyou,youmighthavesuspectedthislongafore,hadyoupleased,andhavesavedthislabourofadmirationnow,andpassion,andsuchextremitiesasthisfraillumpoffleshissubjectunto.Nay,whydoyounotdoatnow,signior?methinksyoushouldsayitweresomeenchantment,deceptiovisus,orso,ha!Ifyoucouldpersuadeyourselfitwereadreamnow,'twereexcellent:faith,trywhatyoucando,signior:itmaybeyourimaginationwillbebroughttoitintime;there'snothingimpossible.
Fal.Sweethusband!
Deli.Out,lasciviousstrumpet![Exit.
Mad.What!didyouseehowillthatstaleveinbecamehimafore,ofsweetwife,anddearheart;andareyoufallenjustintothesamenow,withsweethusband!Away,followhim,go,keepstate:what!rememberyouareawoman,turnimpudent;givehimnotthehead,thoughyougivehimthehorns.Away.Andyet,methinks,youshouldtakeyourleaveofenfantperduhere,yourforlornhope.[ExitFal.]—Hownow,monsieurBrisk?what!Fridaynight,andinafflictiontoo,andyetyourpulpamenta,yourdelicatemorsels!Iperceivetheaffectionofladiesandgentlewomenpursuesyouwheresoeveryougo,monsieur.
Fast.Now,ingoodfaith,andasIamgentle,therecouldnothavecomeathinginthisworldtohavedistractedmemore,thanthewrinkledfortunesofthispoordame.
Mad.Oyes,sir;Icantellyouathingwilldistractyoumuchbetter,believeit:SigniorDelirohasenteredthreeactionsagainst
EveryManOutofHisHumour147
you,threeactions,monsieur!marry,oneofthem(I'llputyouincomfort)isbutthreethousand,andtheothertwo,somefivethousandpoundtogether:trifles,trifles.
Fast.O,Iamundone.
Mad.Nay,notaltogetherso,sir;theknightmusthavehishundredpoundrepaid,thatwillhelptoo;andthensixscorepoundsforadiamond,youknowwhere.Thesebethingswillweigh,monsieur,theywillweigh.
Fast.0heaven!
Mad.What!doyousigh?thisistokissthehandofacountess,tohavehercoachsentforyou,tohangponiardsinladies'garters,towearbraceletsof(heirhair,andforeveryoneofthesegreatfavourstogivesomeslightjeweloffivehundredcrowns,orso;why,'tisnothing.Now,monsieur,youseetheplaguethattreadsontheheelso'yourfoppery:well,goyourwaysin,
removeyourselftothetwo-pennywardquickly,tosavecharges,andtheresetupyourresttospendsirPuntarvolo'shundredpoundforhim.Away,goodpomander,go![ExitFastidious.
Why,here'sachange!nowismysoulatpeace:
Iamasemptyofallenvynow,
Astheyofmerittobeenviedat.
Myhumour,likeaflame,nolongerlasts
Thanithathstufftofeedit;andtheirfolly
Beingnowrakedupintheirrepentantashes,
Affordsnoamplersubjecttomyspleen.
Iamsofarfrommalicingtheirstates,
ThatIbegintopitythem.Itgrievesme
Tothinktheyhaveabeing.Icouldwish
Theymightturnwiseuponit,andbesavednow,
Soheavenwerepleased;butletthemvanish,vapours!
Gentlemen,howlikeyouit?has'tnotbeentedious?
Cor.Nay,wehavedonecensuringnow.Mit.Yes,faith.
Mad.Howso?
Cor.Marry,becausewe'llimitateyouractors,andbeoutofourhumours.Besides,herearethoseroundaboutyouofmoreabilitj/incensurethanwe,whosejudgmentscangiveitamoresatisfyingallowance;we'llreferyou,tothem.[KxeuutCordatusandMitis.
Mad.[comingforward.]Ay,isitevenso?—Well,gentlemen,Ishouldhavegonein,andrctnrn'dtoyouasIwasAsperatthefirst;butbyreasontheshiftwouldhavebeensomewhatlong,andwearelothtodrawyourpatiencefarther,we'llentreatyoutoimagineit.Andnow,thatyoumayseeIwillbeoutofhumourforcompany,Istandwhollytoyourkindapprobation,andindeedamnothingsoperemptoryasIwasinthebeginning:marry,Iwillnot
doasPlautusinhisAmphytrio,forallthis,summiJoviscausaplaudite;begaplauditeforGod'ssake;butifyou,outofthebountyofyourgood-liking,willbestowit,why,youmayintimemakeleanMacilenteasfatassirJohnFalstaff.[Exit.
THEEPILOGUE
ATTHE
PRESENTATIONBEFOREQUEENELIZABETH
BYMACILENTE.
Nevertillnowdidobjectgreetmineeyes
Withanylightcontent:butinhergraces
Allmymaliciouspowershavelosttheirstings.
Envyisfledfrommysoulatsightofher,
Andshehathchasedallblackthoughtsfrommybosom,
Likeasthesundothdarknessfromtheworld,
Mystreamofhumourisrunoutofme,
Andasourcity'storrent,bentt'infect
Thehallow'dbowelsofthesilverThames,
Ischeck'dbystrengthandclearnessoftheriver,
Tillithathspentitselfevenattheshore;
Sointheampleandunmeasuredflood
Ofherperfections,aremypassionsdrown'd;
AndIhavenowaspiritassweetandclear
Asthemorerarefiedandsubtleair:—
Withwhich,andwithaheartaspureasfire,
Yethumbleastheearth,doIimplore,[Kneels.
0heaven,thatShe,whosepresencehatheffected
Thischangeinme,maysuffermostlatechange
Inheradmiredandhappygovernment:
MaystillthisIslandbecall'dFortunate,
AndruggedTreasontrembleatthesound,
WhenFameshallspeakitwithanemphasis.
Letforeignpolitybedullaslead,
AndpaleInvasioncomewithhalfaheart,
Whenhebutlooksuponherblessedsoil.
ThethroatofWarbestoptwithinherland,
Andturtle-footedPeacedancefairyrings
Abouthercourt;wherenevermaytherecome
Suspectordanger,butalltrustandsafety.
LetFlatterybedumb,andEnvyblind
Inherdreadpresence;Deathhimselfadmireher;
Andmayhervirtuesmakehimtoforget
Theuseofhisinevitablehand.
Flyfromher,Age;sleep,Time,beforeherthrone;
Ourstrongestwallfallsdown,whensheisgone.
CYNTHIA'SREVELS.OR,THEFOUNTAINOFSELF-LOVE
TOTHESPECIALFOUNTAINOFMANNERS
THECOURT
THOUartabountifulandbravespring,andwaterestallthenobleplantsofthisisland.Intheethewholekingdomdressethitself,andisambitioustousetheeasherglass.Bewarethenthourendermen'sfigurestruly,andteachthemnolesstohatetheirdeformities,thantolovetheirforms:for,tograce,thereshouldcomereverence;aridnomancancallthatlovely,whichisnotalsovenerable.Itisnotpowdering,perfuming,andeverydaysmellingofthetailor,thatconvertethtoabeautifulobject:butamindshiningthroughanysuit,whichneedsnofalselight,eitherofrichesorhonours,tohelpit.Suchshaltthoufindsomehere,eveninthereignofCynthia,—aCritesandanArete.Now,underthyPhoebus,itwillbethyprovincetomakemore;exceptthoudesiresttohavethysourcemixwiththespringofself-love,andsowiltdrawupontheeaswelcomeadiscoveryofthydays,aswasthenmadeofhernights.
Thyservant,butnotslave,BENJONSON.
DRAMATISPERSONS
ECHO.
ARETE.
PHANTASTE.
ARGURION.
PHILAUTIA.
MORIA.
Cos.
GELAIA.
PHRONESIS.N
TliAVMA,[•MulCS.
TIME,j
CYNTHIA.
MERCURY.
HESPERUS.
CRITES.
AMORPHUS.
ASOTUS.
HEDON.
ANAIDES.
MORPHIDES
PROSAITES.
MORUS.
CUPID.
SCENE,—GARGAPHIEINDUCTION.
THESTAGE.
Aftirthesecondsound'mn..EnterthreeoftheChildren,stru^ling.
1Child.Prayyouaway;why,fellows!Godsso,whatdoyoumean?
2Child.J/arry,thatyoushallnotspeaktheprologue,sir.
3Child.Why,doyouhopetospuikitf
2Child.Ay,andIthinkIhavemostrighttoit:IamsureIstudieditfirst.
3Child.That'sallone,iftheauthorthinkIcanspeakitbetter.
1Child./pleadpossessionofthecloak:gentles,yoursuffrages,Iprayyou.
[Within.]Why,children!areyounotashamed?comeinthere.
3Child.Slid,I'llplaynothingintheplay,unlessIspeakit.
1Child.Why,willyoustandtomostvoicesofthegentlemenfletthatdecideit.
3Child.0,no,sirgallant;youpresumetohavethestartofusthere,andthatmakesyouoffersoprodigally.
1Child.No,wouldIwereivhippedifIhadanysuchtJwught;tryitbylotseither.
2Child.Faith,Idaretemptmyfortuneinagreaterventurethanthis.
3Child.Wellsaid,resoluteJack/Iamcontenttoo,sowedrawfirst.Makethecuts.
1Child.ButwillyounotsnatchmycloakwhileIamstooping?3Child.No,wescorntreachery.
2Child.Whichcutshallspeakit?
3Child.Theshortest.
1Child.Agreed:draw.[Theydrawcuts.]TheshortestiscometothesJiortest.Fortunewasnotaltogetherblindinthis.Now,sir,IhopeIshallgoforwardwithoutyourenvy.
2Child.AspiteofallmischievousluckfIwasoncepluckingattheother.
3Child.Stay,Jack:'slid,PlldosomewhatnowaforeIgoin,thoughitbenothingbuttorevengemyselfontheauthor:sinceIspeaknothisprologue,Fllgotellalltheargumentofhisplayafore-hand,andsostalehisinventiontotheauditory,beforeitcomeforth.
1Child.0,donotso.
2Child.Bynomeans.
3Child.[AdvancingtothefrontoftheStage.]First,thetitleofhisplayisCynthia'sRevels,as
anymanthathathhopetobesavedbyhisbookcanwitness;thesceneGargaphie,whichIdovehementlysuspectforsomefustiancountry;butletthatvanish.HereisthecourtofCynthia,whitherhebringsCupidtravellingonfoot,resolvedtoturnpage.BythewayCupidmeetswithMercury(astJmt'sathingtobenoted];takeanyofourplay-bookswithoutaCupidoraMercuryinit,andburnitforanhereticinpoetry.—[Intheseandthesubsequentspeeches,ateverybreak,theothertwointerrupt,andendeavourtostophim.]Praythee,letmealone.Mercury,heinthenatureofaconjuror,raisesupEcho,whoweepsoverherlove,ordaffodil,Narcissus,alittle;sings;cursesthespringwhereintheprettyfoolishgentlemanmeltedhimselfaway:andthere'sanendof
her.NowIamtoinformyou,thatCupidandMercurydoboth
becomepages.CupidattendsonPhilautia,orSelf-love,acourtlady:MercuryfollowsHedon,theVoluptuous,andacourtier;onethatrankshimselfevenwithAnaides,ortheImpudent,agallant,andthat's
mypart;onethatkeepsLaughter,Gelaia,thedaughterofFolly,a
wenchinboy'sattire,towaitonhim.These,inthecourt,meetwith
Amorphus,orthedeformed,atravellerthathathdrunkofthefountain,andtheretellstheivondersofthewater.Theypresentlydispatchawaytheirpageswithbottlestofetchofit,andthemselvesgotovisittheladies.ButIshouldhavetoldyou—Look,theseemmetsputmeouthere—thatwiththisAmorphus,therecomesalongacitizen'sheir.Asotus,ortheProdigal,who,inimitationofthetraveller,whohaththe
Mhetstonefollowinghim,entertainstheBeggar,tobehisattendant
Now,thenympJiswhoaremistressestothesegallants,arePhilautia,Self-love;Phantaste,alightWittiness;Argurion,Money;andtheirguardian,motherMoria,ormistressFolly.
1Child.Praythee,nomore.
3Child.ThereCupidstrikesMoneyinlovewiththeProdigal,makesherdoteuponhim,givehimjewels,bracelets,carcanets,etc.Allwhichhemostingeniouslydepartswithaltobemadeknowntotheotherladiesandgallants;andintheheatofthis,increaseshistrain
withtheFooltofollowhim,aswellastheBeggarBythistime,your
Beggarbeginstowaitclose,whoisreturnedwiththerestofhisfellow
bottlemen.Theretheyalldrink,saveArgurian,whoisfalleninto
asuddenapoplexy
1Child.Stophismouth.
3Child.Andthen,there'saretiredscholarthere,youwouldnotwishathingtobebettercontemnedofasocietyofgallants,thanitis;andheapplieshisservice,goodgentleman,to
theladyArete,orVirtue,apoornymphofCynthia'strain,that'sscarceabletobuyherselfagown;youshallseeherplayinablackrobeanon:acreaturethat,Iassureyou,isnolessscorridthanhimself.WhereamInow?atastand!
2Child.Come,leaveatlast,yet.
3Child.O,thenightiscome('twassowe'fhatdark,methought],andCynthiaintendstocomeforth;thathdpsitalittleyet.Allthecourtiersmustprovideforrevels;theyconcludeuponamasque,the
deviceofwhichisWhat,willyouravishme?-thateachofthese
Vices,beingtoappearbeforeCynthia,wouldseemotherthanindeedtheyare;andthereforeassumethemostneighbouringVirtuesastheirmaskinghabitPdcryarape,butthatyouarechildren.
2Child.Come,we'llhavenomoreofthisanticipation;togivethemtheinventoryoftheircatesaforehand,werethedisciplineofatavern,andnotfittingthispresence.
1Child.Tut,thiswasbuttoshew?/,<?thehappinessofhismemory.Ithoughtatfirsthewouldhareplaidtheignorantcriticwitheverythingalongashehadgone;Iexpectedsomesuchdevice.
3Child.0,youshallseemedothatrarely;lendmethycloak.
1Child.Soft,sir,you'llspeakmyprtJr></>/finit.3Child.No,wouldImightneverstirtlt<n.
2Child.].•in]ithim,lendithim.
1Child.It'-//,I/I>H//tiresworn.[CJivoshimthoclonk.
3Child./have.Now,sir,supposeIamoneofyourgenteel
auditors,tliatamcomein,havingpaidmymoneyatthedoor,withmuchado,andhereItakemyplaceandsitdown:Ihavemythreesortsoftobaccoinmypocket,mylightbyme,andthusIbegin.[Atthebreakshetakeshistobacco.]Bythislight,Iwonderthatany
manissomad,tocometoseetheserascallytitsplayhereTheydo
actlikesomanywrensorpismiresnotthefifthpartofagoodface
amongstthemall.Andthentheirmusicisabominableableto
stretchaman'searsworsethantenpilloriesandtheirditties
mostlamentablethings,likethepitifulfellowsthatmakethempoets.
Bythisvapour,an"'twerenotfortobacco/thinkthevery
stenchof'emwouldpoisonme,Ishouldnotdaretocomeinattheir
gatesAmanwerebettervisitfifteenjailsoradozenortwoof
hospitalsthanonceadventuretocomenearthem.Howis't?well?
1Child.Excellent;givememycloak.
3Child.Stay;youshallseemedoanothernow,butamoresober,orbetter-gatheredgallant;tJiatis,asitmaybethought,somefriend,orwell-wishertothehouse:andhereIenter.
1Child.What,uponthestagetoo?
2Child.Yes;andIstepforthlikeoneofthechildren,andaskyou.Wouldyouhaveastool,sir?
3Child.Astool,boy!
2Child.Ay,sir,ifyou'llgivemesixpenceFllfetchyouone.
3Child.Forwhat,Ipraythee?whatshallIdowithit?
2Child.0lord,sir!willyoubetrayyourignorancesomuch?whythroneyourselfinstateonthestage,asothergentlemenuse,sir.
3Child.Away,wag;what,would'stthoumakeanimplementofme?''Slid,theboytakesmeforapieceofperspective,Iholdmylife,orsomesilkcurtain,cometohangthestagehere!Sircrack,Iamnoneofyourfreshpictures,thatusetobeautifythedecayeddeadarrasinapublictheatre.
2Child.'Tisasign,sir,youputnotthatconfidenceinyourgoodclothes,andyourbetterface,thatagentlemanshoulddo,sir.ButIprayyou,sir,letmebeasuitortoyou,tJiatyouwillquitourstagethen,andtakeaplace;theplayisinstantlytobegin.
3Child.Mostwillingly,mygoodwag;butIwouldspeakwithyourautlior:whereishe?
2Child.Notthisway,Iassureyou,sir;wearenotsoofficiouslybefriendedbyhim,astohavehispresenceinthetiring-house,topromptusaloud,stampatthebook-holder,swearforourproperties,cursethepoortireman,railthemusicoutoftune,andsweatforeveryvenialtrespasswecommit,assomeauthorwould,ifhehadsuchfineenghlesaswe.Well,'tisbutourhardfortune!
3Child.Nay,crack,benotdisheartened.
2Child.NotI,sir;butifyoupleasetoconferwithourauthor,byattorney,youmay,sir;ourproperselfhere,standsforhim.
3Child.Troth,Ihavenosuchseriousaffairtonegotiatewithhim,butwhatmayverysafelybeturn'duponthytrust.ItisinthegeneralbehalfofthisfairsocietyherethatIamtospeak,
atleastthemorejudiciouspartofit,whichseemsmuchdistastedwiththeimmodestand
obsceneunitingofmanyintheirplays.Besides,theycouldwi*hyourpoetswouldleavetobepromotersofothermen'sjests,andtoway-layallthestaleapothegms,oroldbookstheycanhearof,inprint,orotherwise,tofarcetheirsceneswithal.Thattheyicouldnotsopenuriouslygleanwitfromeverylaundressorhackney-man,orderivetinirbestgrace,withservileimitation,fromcommonstages,orobservationofthecompanytheyconversewith;asiftheirinventionlivedwhollyuponanotherman'strencher.A'jnin,thatfeedingtheirfriendswithnothingoftheirown,butwhat(heyhavetwiceorthricea«'ked,theyshouldnotwantonlygiveout,howsoontheyhaddrestit;norhowmanycoachescametocarryawaythebrokenmeat,besideshobby-horsesandfoot-clothnags.
2Child.So,sir,(hisisallthereformationyonseek?
3Child.Itis;donotyouthinkitnecessarytobepractised,mylittlewag?
2Child.Yes,whereanysuchill-habitfdcustomisreceived.
3Child.0(Ihadalmostforgotittoo],theysay,theumbra?orghostsofsomethreeorfourplaysdepartedadozenyearssince,havebeenseenwalkingonyourstagehere;takeheed,boy,ifyourhousebehauntedwithsuchhobgoblins,'twillfrightawayallyourspectatorsquickly.
2Child.Good,sir;butichatwillyousaynow,ifapoet,untouchedwithanybreathofthisdisease,findthetokensuponyou,thatareoftheauditory?Assomeonecivet-witamongyou,thatknowsnootherlearning,thanthepriceofsatinandvelvets:norotherperfectionthanthewearingofaneatsuit;andyetwillcensureasdesperatelyasthemostprofessedcriticinthehouse,presuminghisclothesshouldbearhimoutinit.Another,whomithathpleasednaturetofurnishwithmorebeardthanbrain,pruneshismustaccio,lisps,and,withsomescoreofaffectedoaths,swearsdownallthatsitabouthim;"Thatth<oldHieronimo,asitwasfirstacted,wastheonlybest,andjudiciouslypenn'dplayofEurope."Athirdgreat-belliedjugglertalksoftwentyyearssince,andwhenMonsieurwashere,andwouldenforceallwit*tobeofthatfashion,becausehisdoubletisstillso.Afourthmiscallsallbythenameoffustian,thathisground'/!rapacitycannotaspireto.Afifthonlyshakeshisbottlehead,andoutofhiscorkybrainsqueezethoutapitifullearnedface,andissilent.
3Child.Bymyfaith,Jack,youhaveputmedoivn:IwouldIknewhowtogetoffwithanyindifferentgracefhere,takeyourcloak,andpromisesomesatisfactioninyourprologue,or,I'llbeswornwehavemarr'dall.
2Child.Tut,fearnot,child,(hisit-illneverdistasteatruesense:benotout,andgoodenough.Iwouldthouhudstsomesugarcandiedtosweetenthymouth.
TheThirdSounding.
PROLOGUE.
Ifgracioussilence,sweetattention,
Quicksight,andquickerapprehension,
Thelightsofjudgment'sthrone,shineanywhere,
Ourdoubtfulauthorhopesthisistheirsphere;
Andthereforeopenshehimselftothose,
Tootherweakerbeamshislaboursclose,
Aslothtoprostitutetheirvirgin-strain,
Toeveryvulgarandadulteratebrain.
Inthisalone,hisMusehersweetnesshath,
Sheshunstheprintofanybeatenpath;
Andprovesnewwaystocometolearnedears:
Piedignorancesheneitherlovesnorfears.
Norhuntssheafterpopularapplause,
Orfoamypraise,thatdropsfromcommonjaws:
Thegarlandthatshewears,theirhandsmusttwine,
Whocanbothcensure,understand,define
Whatmeritis:thencastthosepiercingrays,
Roundasacrown,insteadofhonouredbays,
Abouthispoesy;which,heknows,affords
Words,aboveaction;mailer,above,words.
ACTI
SCENEI.—AGroveandFountain,EnterCTJPID,andMERCURYwithhiscaduceus,ondifferentsides.
Cup.Whogoesthere?
Her.'TisI,blindarcher.
Cup.Who,Mercury?
Mer.Ay.
Cup.Farewell.
Mer.Stay,Cupid.
Cup.Notinyourcompany,Hermes,exceptyourhandswererivetedatyourback.
Mer.Whyso,mylittlerover?
Cup.BecauseIknowyouhavenotafinger,butisaslongasmyquiver,cousinMercury,whenyoupleasetoextendit.
Mer.Whencederiveyouthisspeech,boy?
Cup.O!'tisyourbestpolitytobeignorant.YoudidneverstealMarshisswordoutofthesheath,you!norNeptune'strident!norApollo'sbow!no,notyou!Alas,yourpalms,Jupiterknows,theyareastenderasthefootofafounderednag,oralady'sfacenewmercuried,they'lltouchnothing.
Mer.Goto,infant,you'llbedaringstill.
Cup.Daring!0Janus!whatawordisthere?why,mylightfeather-heel'dcoz,whatareyouanymorethanmyuncleJove'spander?alacqueythatrunsonerrandsforhim,andcanwhisperalightmessagetoaloosewenchwithsomeroundvolubility?waitmannerlyatatablewithatrencher,warbleuponacrowdalittle,andfilloutnectarwhenGanymede'saway?onethatsweepsthegods'drinking-roomeverymorning,andsetsthecushionsinorderagain,whichtheythrewoneatanother'sheadovernight;canbrushthecarpets,callthestoolsagaintotheirplaces,playthecrierofthecourtwithanaudiblevoice,andtakestateofapresidentuponyouatwrestlings,pleadings,negociations,etc.Here'sthecatalogueofyouremployments,now!0,no,Ierr;youhavethemarshallingofalltheghoststoothatpasstheStygianferry,andIsuspectyouforasharewiththeoldscullerthere,ifthetruthwereknown;butletthatscape.Oneotherpeculiarvirtueyoupossess,inlifting,orleiger-du-main,whichfewofthehouseofheavenhaveelsebesides,Imustconfess.But,methinks,thatshouldnotmakeyouputthatextremedistance'twixtyourselfandothers,thatweshouldbesaidto"over-dare"inspeakingtoyournimbledeity.SoHerculesmightchallengepriorityofusboth,becausehecanthrowthebarfarther,orliftmorejoin'dstoolsatthearm'send,thanwe.Ifthismightcarryit,thenwe,whohavemadethewholebodyofdivinitytrembleatthetwangofourbow,andenforc'dSaturniushimselftolaybyhiscurledfront,thunder,andthree-fork'dfires,andputonamaskingsuit,toolightforarevellerofeighteentobeseenin
Mer.Hownow!mydancingbraggartindecimosexto!charmyourskippingtongue,orI'll
Cup.What!usethevirtueofyoursnakytip-staffthereuponus?
Mer.No,boy,butthesmartvigourofmypalmaboutyourears.YouhaveforgotsinceItookyourheelsupintoair,ontheveryhourIwasborn,insightofallthebenchofdeities,whenthesilverroofoftheOlympianpalacerungagainwithapplauseofthefact.
Cup.Ono,Irememberitfreshly,andbyaparticularinstance;formymotherVenus,atthe
sametime,butstoop'dtoembraceyou,and,tospeakbymetaphor,youborrow'dagirdleofher's,asyoudidJove'ssceptrewhilehewaslaughing;andwouldhavedonehisthundertoo,butthat'twastoohotforyouritchingfingers.
Mer.'Tiswell,sir.
Cup.Iheard,youbutlook'dinatVulcan'sforgetheotherday,andentreatedapairofhisnewtongsalongwithyouforcompany:'tisjoyonyou,i'faith,thatyouwillkeepyourhook'dtalonsinpracticewithanything.'Slight,nowyouareonearth,weshallhaveyoufilchspoonsandcandlesticksratherthanfail:prayJovetheperfum'dcourtierskeeptheircasting-bottles,pick-tooths,andshittle-cocksfromyou,orourmoreordinarygallantstheirtobacco-boxes;forIamstrangelyjealousofyournails.
Mer.Nevertrustme,Cupid,butyouareturn'damostacutegallantoflate!theedgeofmywitiscleantakenoffwiththefine
andsubtilestrokeofyourthin-groundtongue;youfightwithto;>poignantaphrase,formetodealwith.
Cup.0Hermes,yourcraftcannotmakemeconfident.Iknowmyownsteeltobealmostspent,andthereforeentreatmypeacewithyou,intime:youaretoocunningformetoencounteratlength,andIthinkitmysafestwardtoclose.
Her.Well,foronce,I'llsufferyoutowinuponme,wag;butusenotthesestrainstoooften,they'llstretchmypatience.Whithermightyoumarch,now?
Cup.Faith,torecoverthygoodthoughts,I'lldiscovermywholeproject.Thehuntressandqueenofthesegroves,Diana,inregardofsomeblackandenviousslandershourlybreathedagainsther,forherdivinejusticeonActeon,asshepretends,hathhereinthevaleofGargaphie,proclaim'dasolemnrevels,which(hergodheadputoff)shewilldescendtograce,withthefullandroyalexpenseofoneofherclearestmoons:inwhichtimeitshallbelawfulforallsortsofingeniouspersonstovisitherpalace,tocourthernymphs,toexerciseallvarietyofgenerousandnoblepastimes;aswelltointimatehowfarshetreadssuchmaliciousimputationsbeneathher,asalsotoshewhowclearherbeautiesarefromtheleastwrinkleofausteritytheymaybechargedwith.
Mer.But,whatisallthistoCupid?
Cup.HeredoImeantoputoffthetitleofagod,andtakethehabitofapage,inwhichdisguise,duringtheinterimoftheserevels,IwillgettofollowsomeoneofDiana'smaids,where,ifmybowhold,andmyshaftsflybutwithhalfthewillingnessandaimtheyaredirected,IdoubtnotbutIshallreallyredeemtheminutesIhavelost,bytheirsolongandoverniceproscriptionofmydeityfromtheircourt.
Mer.Pursueit,divineCupid,itwillberare.
Cup.ButwillHermessecondme?
Mer.IamnowtoputinactanespecialdesignmentfrommyfatherJove;but,thatperforrn'd,Iamforanyfreshactionthatoffersitself.
Cup.Well,thenwepart.[Exit.
Mer.Farewell,goodwag.Nowtomycharge.—Echo,fairEcho,speak,'TisMercurythatcallsthee;sorrowfulnymph,Salutemewiththyrepercussivevoice,ThatImayknowwhatcavernoftheearthContainsthyairyspirit,how,orwhereImaydirectmyspeech,thatthoumay'sthear.
Echo,[beloiv.]Here.
Mer.Sonigh!
Echo.Ay.
Mer.Know,gentlesoul,then,IamsentfromJove,Who,pityingthesadburthenofthywoes,Stillgrowingonthee,inthywantofwordsToventthypassionforNarcissus'death,
Commands,thatnow,afterthreethousandyears,WhichhavebeenexercisedinJuno'sspite,Thoutakeacorporalfigureandascend,Enrich'dwithvocalandarticulatepower.Makehaste,sadnymph,thriceshallmywingedrodStriketheobsequiousearth,togivetheeway.Arise,andspeakthysorrows,Echo,rise,Here,bythisfountain,wherethylovedidpine,Whosememorylivesfreshtovulgarfame,Shrinedinthisyellowflower,thatbearshisname.
Echo,[ascends.]Hisnamerevives,andliftsnieupfromearth,O,whichwayshallIfirstconvertmyself,OrinwhatmoodshallIessaytospeak,That,inamoment,Imaybedeliver'dOftheprodigiousgriefIgowithal?See,see,themourningfount,whosespringsweepyetTh'untimelyfateofthattoobeauteousboy,Thattrophyofself-love,andspoilofnature,Who,nowtransform'dintothisdroopingflower,Hangstherepentanthead,backfromthestream,Asifitwish'd,WouldIhadneverlook'dInsuchaflatteringmirror!0Narcissus,Thouthatwastonce,andyetart,myNarcissus,HadEchobutbeenprivatewiththythoughts,Shewouldhavedroptawayherselfintears,Tillshehadallturn'dwater;thatinher,Asinatruerglass,thoumight'sthavegazedAndseenthybeautiesbymorekindreflection,Butself-loveneveryetcouldlookontruthButwithblear'dbeams;slickflatteryandsheAretwin-bornsisters,andsomixtheireyes,Asifyouseverone,theotherdies.Whydidthegodsgivetheeaheavenlyform,Andearthlythoughtstomaketheeproudofit?WhydoIask?'TisnowtheknowndiseaseThatbeautyhath,tobeartoodeepasenseOfherownself-conceivedexcellence.O,hadstthouknowntheworthofheaven'srichgift,Thouwouldsthaveturn'dittoatrueruse,Andnotwithstarv'dandcovetousignorance,Pinedincontinualeyeingthatbrightgem,Theglancewhereoftoothershadbeenmore,Thantothyfamish'dmindthewideworld'sstor^:Sowretchedisittobemerelyrich!Witnessthyyouth'sdearsweetsherespentuntasted,Likeafairtaper,withhisownflamewasted.
Mer.Echo,bebrief,Saturniaisabroad,Andifshehear,she'llstormatJove'shiirhwill.
Echo.Iwill,kindMercury,bebriefastime.
Vouchsafeme,Imaydohimtheselastrites,
Butkisshisflower,andsingsomemourningstrain
Overhiswat'rvhearse.
M
Mer.Thoudostobtain;IwerenosontoJove,shouldIdenythee,Begin,andmoretogracethycunningvoice,ThehumorousairshallmixhersolemntunesWiththysadwords:strike,music,fromthespheres,Andwithyourgoldenrapturesswellourears.
ECHO{accompanied}.
Slow,slow,freshfount,keeptimewithmysalttears
Yet,slower,yet;0faintly,gentlesprings:Listtotheheavypartthemusicbears,
Woeweepsoutherdivision,whenshesings.Droopherbsandflowers,Fallgriefandshowers,Ourbeautiesarenotours;
0,Icouldstill,Likemeltingsnowuponsomecraggyhill,
Drop,drop,drop,drop,Sincenature'sprideisnowawithereddaffodil.—
Mer.Xow,haveyoudone?
Echo.Donepresently,goodHermes:bidealittle;Suffermythirstyeyetogazeawhile,Bute'entotastetheplace,andIamvanish'd.
Mer.Foregothyuseandlibertyoftongue,Andthoumaystdwellonearth,andsporttheethere.
Echo.HereyoungActeonfell,pursuedandtornByCynthia'swrath,moreeagerthanhishounds;Andhere—ahme,theplaceisfatal!—seeTheweepingXiobe,translatedhitherFromPhrygianmountains;andbyPhoeberear'd,Astheproudtrophyofhersharprevenge.
Mer.Kay,buthear—
Echo.Buthere,Ohere,thefountainofself-love,InwhichLatona,andhercarelessnymphs,Regardlessofmysorrows,bathethemselvesInhourlypleasures.
Mer.Stintthybabblingtongue!FondEcho,thouprofan'stthegraceisdonethee.Soidleworldlingsmerelymadeofvoice,Censurethepowersabovethem.Come,away,Jovecallstheehence;andhiswillbrooksnostay.
Echo.O,stay:IhavebutonepoorthoughttoclotheInairygarments,andthen,faith,Igo.Henceforth,thoutreacherousandmurderingspring,Beevercall'dtheFOU^TALN~OFSELF-LOVE:
Andwiththywaterletthiscurseremain,Asaninseparateplague,thatwhobuttasteAdropthereof,may,withtheinstanttouch,Growdotinglyenamour'donthemselves.Now,Hermes,Ihavefinish'd.
Mer.Thenthyspeech
Musthereforsakethee,Echo,andthyvoice,Asitwaswont,reboundbutthelastwords.Farewell.
Echo,[retiring.]Well.
Mer.Xow,Cupid,Iamforyou,andyourmi^th,TomakemelightbeforeIleavetheearth.
o
EnterAMORPHTS,hastily.
Amo.Dearsparkofbeauty,makenotsofastaway.
Echo.Away.
Mer.Stay,letmeobservethisportentyet.
Amo.IamneitheryourMinotaur,noryourCentaur,noryoursatyr,noryourhyaena,noryourbabion,butyourmeretraveller,believeme.
Echo.Leaveme.
Mer.Iguess'ditshouldbesometravellingmotionpursuedEchoso.
Amo.Knowyoufromwhomyouflytorwhence?
Echo.Hence.[Exit.
Amo.Thisissomewhatabovestrange:Anymphofherfeatureandlineament,tobesopreposterouslyrude!well,Iwillbutcoolmyselfatyonspring,andfollowher.
Mer.Xay,then,Iamfamiliarwiththeissue:I'llleaveyoutoo.
[Exit.
Amor.Iamarhinoceros,ifIhadthoughtacreatureofhersymmetrycouldhavedaredsoimproportionableandabruptadigression.—Liberalanddivinefount,suffermyprofanehandtotakeofthybounties.[Takesupsomeofthewater.']Bythepurityofmytaste,hereismostambrosiacwater;Iwillsupofitagain.Bythyfavour,sweetfount.See,thewater,amorerunning,subtile,andhumorousnymphthanshe,permitsmetotouch,andhandleher.WhatshouldIinfer?ifmybehaviourshadbeenofacheaporcustomarygarb;myaccentorphrasevulgar;mygarmentstrite;mycountenanceilliterate,orunpractisedintheencounterofabeautifulandbraveattiredpiece;thenImii'lit,withsomechangeofcolour,havesuspected
myfaculties:But,knowingmy.-rIfanessencesosublimatedandrefinedbytravel;ofsostudiedandwellexercisedagesture;soaloneinfashion;abletorenderthefaceofanystatesmanliving;andtospeakthemereextractionoflanguage,onethathathnowmadethesixthreturnuponventure;andwasyourfirstthateverenrich'dhiscountrywiththetrueIoftheduello;whoseopticshavedrunkthespiritofbeautyinsomeeightscoreandeighteenprince'scourts,whereIhaveresided,and
beentherefortunateintheamoursofthreehundredandfortyandfiveladies,allnobly,ifnotprincelydescended;whosenamesIhaveincatalogue:Toconclude,inallsohappy,asevenadmirationherselfdothseemtofastenherkissesuponme:—certes,Idoneithersee,norfeel,nortaste,norsavourtheleaststeamorfumeofareason,thatshouldinvitethisfoolish,fastidiousnymph,sopeevishlytoabandonme.Well,letthememoryofherfleetintoair;mythoughtsandIamforthisotherelement,water.
EnterCRITESandASOTUS.
Cri.What,thewelldietedAmorphusbecomeawaterdrinker!Iseehemeansnottowriteversesthen.
Aso.No,Crites!why?
Cri.Because
Nullaplacerediu,neeviverecarminapossunt,Qucescribunturaqucepotoribus.
Amo.WhatsayyoutoyourHelicon?
Cri.0,theMuses'well!that'severexcepted.
Amo.Sir,yourMuseshavenosuchwater,Iassureyou;yournectar,orthejuiceofyournepenthe,isnothingtoit;'tisaboveyourmetheglin,believeit.
Aso.Metheglin;what'sthat,sir?mayIbesoaudacioustodemand?
Amo.AkindofGreekwineIhavemetwith,sir,inmytravels;itisthesamethatDemosthenesusuallydrunk,inthecomposureofallhisexquisiteandmellifluousorations.
Cri.That'stobeargued,Amorphus,ifwemaycreditLucian,who,inhisEncomiaDemosthenis,affirms,heneverdrunkbutwaterinanyofhiscompositions.
Amo.Lucianisabsurd,heknewnothing:IwillbelievemineowntravelsbeforealltheLuciansofEurope.Hedothfeedyouwithfittons,figments,andleasings.
Cri.Indeed,Ithink,nextatraveller,hedoesprettilywell.
Amo.Iassureyouitwaswine,Ihavetastedit,andfromthehandofanItalianantiquary,whoderivesitauthenticallyfromthedukeofFerrara'sbottles.Hownameyouthegentlemanyouareinranktherewith,sir?
Cri.'TisAsotus,sontothelatedeceasedPhilargyrus,thecitizen.
Amo.Washisfatherofanyeminentplaceormeans?
Cri.Hewastohavebeenpreetornextyear.
Amo.Ha!aprettyformalyounggallant,ingoodsooth;pityheisnotmoregenteellypropagated.Harkyou,Crites,youmaysaytohimwhatIam,ifyouplease;thoughIaffectnotpopularity,yetIwouldlothtostandouttoany,whomyoushallvouchsafetocallfriend.
Cri.Sir,IfearImaydowrongtoyoursufficienciesinthereportingthem,byforgettingormisplacingsomeone:yourselfcanbestinformhimofyourself,sir;exceptyouhadsomecatalogueorlist
ofyourfacultiesreadydrawn,whichyouwouldrequestmetoshowhimforyou,andhimtotakenoticeof.
Amo.TliisCritesissour:[Aside.]—Iwillthink,sir.
Cri.Doso,sir.—0heaven!thatanytliinginthelikenessofmanshouldsuffertheserack'dextremities,fortheutteringofhissophisticategoodparts.[Aside.
Aso.Crites,Ihaveasuittoyou;butyoumustnotdenyme;prayyoumakethisgentlemanandIfriends.
Cri.Friends!why,isthereanydifferencebetweenyou?
Aso.No;Imeanacquaintance,toknowoneanother.
Cri.0,nowIapprehendyou;yourphrasewaswithoutmebefore.
Aso.Ingoodfaith,he'samostexcellentrareman,Iwarranthim.
Cri.'Slight,theyaremutuallyenamour'dbythistime.[Aside.
Aso.Willyou,sweetCrites?
Cri.Yes,yes.
Aso.Nay,butwhen?you'lldeferitnow,andforgetit.
Cri.Why,isitathingofsuchpresentnecessity,thatitrequiressoviolentadispatch!
Aso.No,butwouldImightneverstir,he'samostravishingman!GoodCrites,youshallendearmetoyou,ingoodfaith;la!
Cri.Well,yourlongingshallbesatisfied,sir.
Aso.Andwithal,youmaytellhimwhatmyfatherwas,andhowwellheleftme,andthatIam
hisheir.
Cri.Leaveittome,I'llforgetnoneofyourdeargraces,Iwarrantyou.
Aso.Nay,IknowyoucanbettermarshaltheseaffairsthanI
canOgods!I'dgivealltheworld,ifIhadit,forabundanceof
suchacquaintance.
Cri.WhatridiculouscircumstancemightIdevisenowtobestowthisreciprocalbraceofbutterfliesoneuponanother?[Aside.
Amo.SinceItrodonthissidetheAlps,Iwasnotsofrozeninmyinvention.Letmesee:toaccosthimwithsomechoiceremnantofSpanish,orItalian!thatwouldindifferentlyexpressmylanguagesnow:marry,then,ifheshallfallouttobeignorant,itwerebothhardandharsh.Howelse?stepintosomeragionidel.stato,andsomakemyinduction!thatwereabovehimtoo;andoutofhiselement,Ifear.FeigntohaveseenhiminVeniceorPadua!orsomefacenearhisinsimilitude!'tistoopointedand
open.No,itmustbeamorequaintandcollateraldevice,as
stay:toframesomeencomiasticspeechuponthisourmetropolis,orthewisemagistratesthereof,inwhichpoliticnumber,'tisoddsbuthisfatherfill'duparoom?descendintoaparticularadmirationoftheirjustice,fortheduemeasuringofcoals,burningofcans,andsuchlike?asalsotheirreligion,inpullingdownasuperstitiouscross,andadvancingaVenus,orIViapus,inplaceofit?ha!'twilldowell.Ortotalkofsomehospital,whosewallsrecordhisfatherabenefactor?orofsomanybucketsbestow'donhisparishchurchinhislifetime,withhisnameatlength,forwantofarms,tricktupon
them?anyofthese.Ortopraisethecleannessofthestreetwhereinhedwelt?ortheprovidentpaintingofhisposts,againstheshouldhavebeenpraetor?or,leavinghisparent,cometosomespecialornamentabouthimself,ashisrapier,orsomeotherofhisaccoutrements?Ihaveit:thanks,graciousMinerva!
Aso.WouldIhadbutoncespoketohim,andthenHecomes
tome!
Amo.'Tisamostcuriousandneatlywroughtbandthissame,asIhaveseen,sir.
Aso.0lord,sir!
Amo.Youforgivethehumourofmineeye,inobservingit.
Cri.Hiseyewatersafterit,itseems.[Aside.
Aso.Olord,sir!thereneedsnosuchapology,Iassureyou.
Cri.Iamanticipated;they'llmakeasolemndeedofgiftofthemselves,youshallsee.[Aside.
Amo.Yourribandtoodoesmostgracefullyintroth.
Aso.'Tisthemostgenteelandreceivedwearnow,sir.
Amo.Believeme,sir,Ispeakitnottohumouryou—Ihavenotseenayounggentleman,generally,putonhisclotheswithmorejudgment.
Aso.O,'tisyourpleasuretosayso,sir.
Amo.No,asIamvirtuous,beingaltogetheruntravell'd,itstrikesmeintowonder.
Aso.Idopurposetotravel,sir,atspring.
Amo.IthinkIshallaffectyou,sir.Thislastspeechofyourshathbeguntomakeyoudeartome.
Aso.0lord,sir!Iwouldtherewereanythinginme,sir,thatmightappearworthytheleastworthinessofyourworth,sir.Iprotest,sir,Ishouldendeavourtoshewit,sir,withmorethancommonregard,sir.
Cri.0,here'sraremotley,sir.[Aside.
Amo.Bothyourdesert,andyourendeavoursareplentiful,suspectthemnot:butyoursweetdispositiontotravel,Iassureyou,hathmadeyouanothermyselfinmineeye,andstruckmeenamour'donyourbeauties.
Aso.IwouldIwerethefairestladyofFranceforyoursake,sir!andyetIwouldtraveltoo.
Amo.O,youshoulddigressfromyourselfelse:for,believeit,yourtravelisyouronlythingthatrectifies,or,astheItaliansays,virendiprontoairattioni,makesyoufitforaction.
Aso.Ithinkitbegreatchargethough,sir.
Amo.Charge!why'tisnothingforagentlemanthatgoesprivate,asyourself,orso;myintelligenceshallquitmychargeatalltime.Goodfaith,thishathathpossestmineeyeexceedingly;'tissoprettyandfantastic:what!isitabeaver?
Aso.Ay,sir,I'llassureyou'tisabeaver,itcostmeeightcrownsbutthismorning.
Amo.AfteryourFrenchaccount?
Aso.Yes,sir.
Cri.Andsonearhishead!beshrewme,dangerous.[Aside.
Amo.Averyprettyfashion,believeme,andamostnovelkindoftrim:yourbandisconceitedtoo!
Aso.Sir,itisallatyourservice.
Amo.0,pardonme.
.450.Ibeseechyou,sir,ifyoupleasetowearit,youshalldomeamostinfinitegrace.
Cri.'Slight,willhebeprais'doutofhisclothes?
Aso.Byheaven,sir,IdonotofferityouaftertheItalianmanner;Iwouldyoushouldconceivesoofme.
Amo.Sir,Ishallfeartoappearrudeindenyingyourcourtesies,especiallybeinginvitedbysoproperadistinction:MayIprayyourname,sir?
^4«so.MynameisAsotus,sir.
Amo.Itakeyourlove,gentleAsotus;bntletmewinyoutoreceivethis,inexchange—[Theyexchangebeavers.
Cri.Heart!they'llchangedoubletsanon.[Aside.
Amo.And,fromthistimeesteemyourselfinthefirstrankofthosefewwhomIprofesstolove.Whatmakeyouincompanyofthisscholarhere?Iwillbringyouknowntogallants,asAnaidesoftheordinary,Hedonthecourtier,andothers,whosesocietyshallrenderyougracedandrespected:thisisatrivialfellow,toomean,toocheap,toocoarseforyoutoconversewith.
Aso.'Slid,thisisnotworthacrown,andminecostmeeightbutthismorning.
Cri.Ilookedwhenhewouldrepenthim,hehasbeguntobesadagoodwhile.
Amo.Sir,shallIsaytoyouforthathat?Benotsosad,benotsosad:ItisarelicIcouldnotsoeasilyhavedepartedwith,butasthehieroglyphicofmyaffection;youshallalterittowhatformyouplease,itwilltakeanyblock;Ihavereceiveditvariedonrecordtothethreethousandthtime,andnotsofew:Ithaththesevirtuesbeside:yourheadshallnotacheunderit,noryourbrainleaveyou,withoutlicense;itwillpreserveyourcomplexiontoeternity;fornobeamofthesun,shouldyouwearitunderzonatorrida,hathpowertoapproachitbytwoells.Itisproofagainstthunder,andenchantment;andwasgivenmebyagreatmaninRussia,asanespecialprizedpresent;andconstantlyaffirm'dtobethehatthataccompaniedthepoliticUlyssesinhistediousandtenyears'travels.
Aso.ByJove,Iwillnotdepartwithal,whosoeverwouldgivemeamillion.
EnterCosandPROSAITES.
Cos.Saveyou,sweetbloods!doesanyofyouwantacreature,oradependent?
Cri.Beshrewme,afinebluntslave!
Amo.Apageofgoodtimber!itwillnowbemygracetoentrrt.u'nhimfirst,thoughIcashierhimagaininprivate.—Howartthoucall'd?
Cos.Cos,sir,Cos.
Cri.Cos!howhappilyhathfortunefurnish'dhimwithawhetstone?
Amo.Idoentertainyou,Cos;concealyourqualitytillwebeprivate;ifyourpartsbeworthyofme,Iwillcountenanceyou;ifnot,catechiseyou.—Gentles,shallwego?
Aso.Stay,sir:I'llbutentertainthisotherfellow,andthen
Ihaveagreathumourtotasteofthiswatertoo,butI'llcomeagainaloneforthatmarktheplace.—What'syourname,youth?
Pros.Prosaites,sir.
Aso.Prosaites!averyfinename;Crites,isitnot?
Cri.Yes,andaveryancientone,sir,theBeggar.
Aso.Followme,goodProsaites;let'stalk.[ExeuntallbutCrites.
Cri.Hewillrankevenwithyou,ere'tbelong,Ifyouholdonyourcourse.O,vanity,Howarethypaintedbeautiesdotedon,Bylightandemptyidiots!howpursuedWithopenandextendedappetite!Howtheydosweat,andrunthemselvesfrombreath,Raisedontheirtoes,tocatchthyairyforms,Stillturninggiddy,tilltheyreellikedrunkards,ThatbuythemerrymadnessofonehourWiththelongirksomenessoffollowingtime!O,howdespisedandbaseathingisman,Ifhenotstrivet'erecthisgrovellingthoughtsAbovethestrainofflesh!buthowmorecheap,When,ev'nhisbestandunderstandingpart,Thecrownandstrengthofallhisfaculties,Floats,likeadeaddrown'dbody,onthestreamOfvulgarhumour,mixtwithcommon'stdregs!Isufferfortheirguiltnow,andmysoul,Likeonethatlooksonill-affectedeyes,Ishurtwithmereintentionontheirfollies.WhywillIviewthemthen,mysensemightaskme?Oris'tararity,orsomenewobject,Thatstrainsmystrictobservancetothispoint?O,woulditwere!thereinIcouldaffordMyspiritshoulddrawalittleneartotheirs,Togazeonnovelties;sovicewereone.Tut,sheisstale,rank,foul;andwereitnotThatthosethatwoohergreetherwithlock'deyes,Inspightofallth'impostures,paintings,drugs,Whichherbawd,Custom,dawbshercheekswithal,Shewouldbetrayherloth'dandleprousface,Andfrighttheenamour'ddotardsfromthemselves:Butsuchistheperversenessofournature,Thatifweoncebutfancylevity,Howanticandridiculoussoe'erItsuitwithus,yetwillourmuffledthought
Chooserathernottoseeit,thanavoidit:Andifwecanbutbanishourownsense,Weactourmimictrickswiththatfreelicense,Thatlust,thatpleasure,thatsecurity,Asifwepractisedinapaste-boardcase,Andnoonesawthemotion,butthemotion.Well,checkthypassion,lestitgrowtooloud:Whilefoolsarepitied,theywaxfatandproud.
ACTII
SCENEI.—TheCourt.EnterCUTLDandMERCURY,disguisedasPages.
Cup.Why,thiswasmostunexpectedlyfollowed,mydivinedelicateMercury;bythebeardofJove,thouartapreciousdeity.
Mer.Nay,Cupid,leavetospeakimproperly;sinceweareturn'dcracks,let'sstudytobelikecracks;practisetheirlanguageandbehaviours,andnotwithadeadimitation:Actfreely,carelessly,andcapriciously,asifourveinsranwithquicksilver,andnotutteraphrase,butwhatshallcomeforthsteep'dintheverybrineofconceit,andsparklelikesaltinfire.
Cup.That'snoteveryone'shappiness,Hermes:Thoughyoucanpresumeupontheeasinessanddexterityofyourwit,youshallgivemeleavetobealittlejealousofmine;andnotdesperatelytohazarditafteryourcaperinghumour.
Mer.Nay,then,Cupid,Ithinkwemusthaveyouhood-wink'dagain;foryouaregrowntooprovidentsinceyoureyeswereatliberty.
Cup.Notso,Mercury,IamstillblindCupidtothee.
Mer.Andwhattotheladynymphyouserve?
Cup.Troth,page,boy,andsirrah:theseareallmytitles.
Mer.Thenthouhastnotalteredthyname,withthydisguise?
Cup.O,no,thathadbeensupererogation;youshallneverhearyourcourtiercallbutbyoneofthesethree.
Mer.Faith,thenbothourfortunesarethesame.
Cup.Why,whatparcelofmanhastthoulightedonforamaster?
Mer.Suchaoneas,beforeIbegintodecipherhim,Idarenotaffirmtobeanythinglessthanacourtier.Somuchheisduringthisopentimeofrevels,andwouldbelonger,butthathismeansaretoleavehimshortlyafter.HisnameisHedon,agallantwhollyconsecratedtohispleasures.
Cup.Hedon!heusesmii''ht<>mylady'schamber,Ithink.
Mer.Howisshecall'd,andthenIcanshewthee?
Cup..MadamPhilautii.
Mer.0ay,heaffectsherveryparticularlyindrrd.Thosean?hisgraces.Hedoth(Ix-sidrsme)krrpabarberandamonkey;liehasarichwroughtwaistcoattoentertainhisvisitantsin,witha
capalmostsuitable.Hiscurtainsandbeddingarethoughttobehisown;hisbathing-tubisnotsuspected.Helovestohaveafencer,apedant,andamusicianseeninhislodginga-
mornings.
Cup.Andnotapoet?
Mer.Fie,no:himselfisarhymer,andthat'sthoughtbetterthanapoet.Heisnotlightlywithintohismercer,no,thoughhecomewhenhetakesphysic,whichiscommonlyafterhisplay.Hebeatsatailorverywell,butastocking-selleradmirably:andsoconsequentlyanyoneheowesmoneyto,thatdaresnotresisthim.Henevermakesgeneralinvitement,butagainstthepublishingofanewsuit;marry,thenyoushallhavemoredrawntohislodging,thancometothelaunchingofsomethreeships;especiallyifhebefurnish'dwithsuppliesfortheretiringofhisoldwardrobefrompawn:ifnot,hedoeshireastockofapparel,andsomefortyorfiftypoundingold,forthatforenoon,toshew.Heisthoughtaverynecessaryperfumeforthepresence,andforthatonlycausewelcomethither:sixmilliners'shopsaffordyounotthelikescent.Hecourtsladieswithhowmanygreathorsehehathridthatmorning,orhowofthehathdonethewhole,orhalfthepomrnadoinaseven-nightbefore:andsometimeventuressofaruponthevirtueofhispomander,thathedarestell'emhowmanyshirtshehassweatattennisthatweek;butwiselyconcealssomanydozenofballsheisonthescore.Herehecames,thatisallthis.
EnterHEDON,ANAIDES,andGELAIA.
Hed.Boy!
Mer.Sir.
Hed.Areanyoftheladiesinthepresence?
Mer.Noneyet,sir.
Hed.Givemesomegold,—more.
Ana.Isthatthyboy,Hedon?
Hed.Ay,whatthink'stthouofhim?
Ana.I'dgeldhim;Iwarranthehasthephilosopher'sstone.
Hed.Wellsaid,mygoodmelancholydevil:sirrah,Ihavedevisedoneortwooftheprettiestoaths,thismorninginmybed,aseverthouheard'st,toprotestwithalinthepresence.
Ana.Prithee,let'shearthem.
Hed.Soft,thou'Itusethemaforeme.
Ana.No,d—mnmethen—IhavemoreoathsthanIknowhowtoutter,bythisair.
Hed.Faith,oneis,Bythetipofyourear,sweetlady.Isitnotpretty,andgenteel?
Ana.Yes,fortheperson'tisappliedto,alady.Itshouldbelightand—
Hed.Nay,theotherisbetter,exceedsitmuch:theinventionisfartherfettoo.Bythewhitevalleythatliesbetweenthealpinehillsofyourbosom,Iprotest.—
Ana.Well,youtravell'dforthat,Hedon.
Mer.Ay,inamap,wherehiseyeswerebutblindguidestohisunderstanding,itseems.
Hed.AndthenIhaveasalutationwillnickall,bythiscaper:hay!
Ana.Howisthat?
Hed.YouknowIcallmadamPhilautia,myHonour;andshecallsme,herAmbition.Xow,whenImeetherinthepresenceanon,Iwillcometoher,andsay,SweetHonour,Iliavehithertocontentedmysensewiththeliliesofyourhand,butnowIwilltastetherosesojyourlip;and,withal,kissher:towhichshecannotbutblushinganswer,Nay,noivyouaretooambitious.AndthendoIreply:/cannotbetooAmbitiousofHonour,sweetlady.WuTtnotbegood?ha?ha?
Ana.0,assureyoursoul.
Hed.Byheaven,Ithink'twillbeexcellent:andaverypoliticachievementofakiss.
Ana.IhavethoughtupononeforGloriaofasuddentoo,ifittake.
Hed.Whatis't,mydearInvention?
Ana.Marry,Iwillcometoher,(andshealwayswearsamuff,ifyouberemembered,)andIwilltellher,Madam,yourwholeseljcannotbutbeperfectlywise;foryourhandshavewitenoughtokeepthemselveswarm.
Hed.Now,beforeJove,admirable![Gelaialaughs.]Look,thypagetakesit,too.ByPhoebus,mysweetfacetiousrascal,Icouldeatwater-gruelwiththeeamonthforthisjest,mydearrogue.
Ana.O,Hercules,'tLyouronlydish;aboveallyourpotatoesoroyster-piesintheworld.
Hed.Ihaveruminateduponamostrarewishtoo,andtheprophecytoit;butI'llhavesomefriendtobetheprophet;asthus:Idowishmyselfoneofmymistress'scioppini.Anotherdemands,Whywouldhebeoneofhismistress'scioppini?athirdanswers,Becausehewouldmakeherhigher:afourthshallsay.Thatwillmakeherproud:andafifthshallconclude,ThendoIprophesypridewillhaveafall;—andheshallgiveither.
Ana.Iwillbeyourprophet.Godsso,itwillbemostexquisite;thouartafineinventionsrogue,sirrah.
Hed.Nay,andIhaveposiesforrings,too,andriddlesthattheydreamnotof.
Ana.Tut,they'lldothat,whentheycometosleeponthem,timeenough:Butwerethydevicesneverinthepresenceyet,Hedon?
Hed.O,no,Idisdainthat.
Ana.'Tweregoodwewentaforethrn,andbroughtthemacquaintedwiththeroomwheretheyshallact,lestthestrangenessofitputthemoutofcountenance,whentheyshouldcomeforth.
[I-jxeuntHedonandAnaides.
Cup.Isthatacourtier,too?
Mer.Troth,no;hehast\voessentialpartsofthecourtier,prideandignorance;marry,therestcomesomewhatidtrrtheordinary
gallant.'TisImpudenceitself,Anaides;onethatspeaksallthatcomesinhischeeks,andwillblushnomorethanasackbut.Helightlyoccupiesthejester'sroomatthetable,andkeepslaughter,Gelaia,awenchinpage'sattire,followinghiminplaceofasquire,whomhenowandthentickleswithsomestrangeridiculousstuff,utter'dashislandcametohim,bychance.Hewillcensureordiscourseofanything,butasabsurdlyasyouwouldwish.Hiafashionisnottotakeknowledgeofhimthatisbeneathhiminclothes.Heneverdrinksbelowthesalt.Hedoesnaturallyadmirehiswitthatwearsgoldlace,ortissue:stabsanymanthatspeaksmorecontemptiblyofthescholarthanhe.Heisagreatproficientinalltheilliberalsciences,ascheating,drinking,swaggering,whoring,andsuchlike:neverkneelsbuttopledgehealths,norpraysbutforapipeofpudding-tobacco.Hewillblasphemeinhisshirt.Theoathswhichhevomitsatonesupperwouldmaintainatownofgarrisoningoodswearingatwelvemonth.Oneothergenuinequalityhehaswhichcrownsallthese,andthatisthis:toafriendinwant,hewillnotdepartwiththeweightofasolderedgroat,lesttheworldmightcensurehimprodigal,orreporthimagull:marry,tohiscockatriceorpunquetto,halfadozentaffatagownsorsatinkirtlesinapairortwoofmonths,why,theyarenothing.
Cup.Icommendhim,heisoneofmyclients.
[Theyretiretothebackofthestage.
EnterAMORPHUS,ASOTTJS,andCos.
Amo.Come,sir.Youarenowwithinregardofthepresence,andsee,theprivacyofthisroomhowsweetlyitoffersitselftoourretiredintendments.—Page,castavigilantandenquiringeyeabout,thatwebenotrudelysurprisedbytheapproachofsomeruderstranger.
Cos.Iwarrantyou,sir.I'lltellyouwhenthewolfenters,fearnothing.
Mer.0whatamassofbenefitshallwepossess,inbeingtheinvisiblespectatorsofthisstrangeshownowtobeacted!
Amo.Plantyourselfthere,sir;andobserveme.Youshallnow,aswellbetheocular,astheear-witness,howclearlyIcanrefelthatparadox,orratherpseudodox,ofthose,whichholdthefacetobetheindexofthemind,which,Iassureyou,isnotsoinanypoliticcreature:forinstance;Iwillnowgiveyoutheparticularanddistinctfaceofeveryyourmostnotedspecies
ofpersons,asyourmerchant,yourscholar,yoursoldier,yourlawyer,courtier,etc.,andeachofthesesotruly,asyouwouldswear,butthatyoureyeshallseethevariationofthelineament,itweremymostproperandgenuineaspect.First,foryourmerchant,orcity-face,'tisthus;adull,plodding-face,stilllookinginadirectline,forward:thereisnogreatmatterinthisface.Thenhaveyouyourstudent's,oracademicface,whichishereanhonest,simple,andmethodicalface;butsomewhatmorespreadthantheformer.Thethirdis
yoursoldier'sface,amenacingandastoundingface,thatlooksbroadandbig:thegraceofhisfaceconsistethmuchinabeard.Theanti-facetothis,isyourlawyer'sface,acontracted,subtile,andintricateface,fullofquirksandturnings,alabyrintheanface,nowangularly,nowcircularly,everywayaspected.Nextisyourstatist'sface,aserious,solemn,andsuperciliousface,fullofformalandsquaregravity;theeye,forthemostpart,deeplyandartificiallyshadow'd:thereisgreatjudgmentrequiredinthemakingofthisface.Butnow,tocometoyourfaceoffaces,orcourtier'sface;'tisofthreesorts,accordingtooursubdivisionofacourtier,elementary,practic,andtheoric.Yourcourtiertheoric,ishethathatharrivedtohLfarthest,anddothnowknowthecourtratherbyspeculationthanpractice;andthisishisface:afastidiousandobliqueface;thatlooksasitwentwithavice,andwerescrew'dthus.Yourcourtierpractic,ishethatisyetinhispath,hiscourse,hisway,andhathnottouch'dthepunctilioorpointofhishopes;hisfaceishere:amostpromising,open,smooth,andoverflowingface,thatseemsasitwouldrunandpouritselfintoyou:somewhatanortherlyface.Yourcourtierelementary,isonebutnewlyenter'd,orasitwereinthealphabet,orut-re-mi-fa-sol-laofcourtship.Notewellthisface,foritisthisyoumustpractise.
Aso.I'llpractisethemall,ifyouplease,sir.
Amo.Ay,hereafteryoumay:anditwillnotbealtogetheranungratefulstudy.For,letyoursoulbeassuredofthis,inanyrankorprofessionwhatever,themoregeneralormajorpartofopiniongoeswiththefaceandsimplyrespectsnothingelse.Therefore,ifthatcanbemadeexactly,curiously,exquisitely,thoroughly,itisenough:butforthepresentyoushallonlyapplyyourselftothisfaceoftheelementarycourtier,alight,revelling,andprotestingface,nowblushing,nowsmiling,whichyoumayhelpmuchwithawantonwaggingofyourhead,thus,(afeatherwillteachyou,)orwithkissingyourfingerthathaththeruby,orplayingwithsomestringofyourband,whichisamostquaintkindofmelancholybesides:or,ifamongladies,laughingloud,andcryingupyourownwit,thoughperhapsborrow'd,itisnotamiss.Whereisyourpage?callforyourcasting-bottle,andplaceyourmirrorinyourhat,asItoldyou:so!Come,looknotpale,observeme,setyourface,andenter.
Mer.0,forsomeexcellentpainter,tohavetakenthecopyofallthesefaces![Aside.
Aso.Prosaites!
Amo.Fie!Ipremonishyouofthat:inthecourt,boy,lacquey,orsirrah.
Cos.Master,lupusinO,'tisProsaites.
EnterPROSAITES.
Aso.Sirrah,preparemycasting-bottle;IthinkImustbeenforcedtopurchasemeanother
page;youseehowathandCoswaitshere.[ExeuntAmorphus,Aaolus,Cos,andProsaites,
J7>r.Sowillhetoo,intime.
Cup.What'she,Mercury?
Mer.Anotablesmelt.Onethathathnewlyentertain'dthebeggartofollowhim,butcannotgethimtowaitnearenough.'TisAsotus,theheirofPhilargyrus;butfirstI'llgiveyetheother'scharacter,whichmaymakehistheclearer.HethatiswithhimisAmorphus,atraveller,onesomadeoutofthemixtureofshredsofforms,thathimselfistrulydeform'd.Hewalksmostcommonlywithacloveorpick-toothinhismouth,heistheverymintofcompliment,allhisbehavioursareprinted,hisfaceisanothervolumeofessays,andhisbeardisanAristarchus.Hespeaksallcreamskimm'd,andmoreaffectedthanadozenwaitingwomen.Heishisownpromoterineveryplace.Thewifeoftheordinarygiveshimhisdiettomaintainhertableindiscourse;which,indeed,isameretyrannyoverherotherguests,forhewillusurpallthetalk:tenconstablesarenotsotedious.Heisnogreatshifter;onceayearhisapparelisreadytorevolt.Hedothusemuchtoarbitratequarrels,andfightshimself,exceedingwell,outatawindow.Hewillliecheaperthananybeggar,andlouderthanmostclocks;forwhichheisrightproperlyaccommodatedtotheWhetstone,hispage.Theothergallantishiszany,anddothmostofthesetricksafterhim;sweatstoimitatehimineverythingtoahair,exceptabeard,whichisnotyetextant.Hedothlearntomakestrangesauces,toeatanchovies,maccaroni,bovoli,fagioli,andcaviare,becausehelovesthem;speaksashespeaks,looks,walks,goessoinclothesandfashion:isinallasifheweremouldedofhim.Marry,beforetheymet,hehadotherveryprettysufficiencies,whichyetheretainssomelightimpressionof;asfrequentingadancing-school,andgrievouslytorturingstrangerswithinquisitionafterhisgraceinInsgalliard.Hebuysafreshacquaintanceatanyrate.Hiseyesandhisraimentconfermuchtogetherashegoesinthestreet.Hetreadsnicelylikethefellowthatwalksuponropes,especiallythefirstSundayofhissilkstockings;andwhenheismostneatandnew,youshallstriphimwithcommendations.
Cup.Herecomesanother.[Critespassesoverthestage.
Mer.Ay,butoneofanotherstrain,Cupid;thisfellowweighssomewhat.
Cup.Hisname,Hermes?
Mer.Crites.Acreatureofamostperfectanddivinetemper:one,inwhomthehumoursandelementsarepeaceablymet,withoutemulationofprecedency;heisneithertoofantasticallymelancholy,tooslowlyphlegmatic,toolightlysanguine,ortoorashlycholeric;butinall"socomposedandordered,asitisclearNaturewentaboutsomefullwork,shedidmorethanmakeamanwhenshemadehim.Hisdiscourseislikehisbehaviour,uncommon,butnotunpleasing;heisprodigalofneither.Hestrivesrathertobethatwhichmencalljudicious,thantobethoughtso;andissotrulylearned,thatheaffectsnottoshewit.Hewillthinkandspeakhisthoughtboth
freely;butasdistantfromdepravinganotherman'smerit,asproclaiminghisown.Forhisvalour,'tissuch,thathedaresaslittletoofferanyinjuryasreceiveone.Insum,hehathamostingenuousandsweetspirit,asharpandseason'dwit,astraightjudgmentandastrong
mind.Fortunecouldneverbreakhim,normakehimless.Hecountsithispleasuretodespisepleasures,andismoredelightedwithgooddeedsthangoods.Itisacompetencytohimthathecanbevirtuous.Hedothneithercovetnorfear;hehathtoomuchreasontodoeither;andthatcommendsallthingstohim.
Cup.NotbetterthanMercurycommendshim.
Mer.O,Cupid,'tisbeyondmydeitytogivehimhisduepraises:Icouldleavemyplaceinheaventoliveamongmortals,soIweresuretobenootherthanhe.
Cup.'Slight,Ibelieveheisyourminion,youseemtobesoravish'dwithhim.
Mer.He'soneIwouldnothaveawrythoughtdartedagainst,willingly.
Cup.No,butastraightshaftinhisbosomI'llpromisehim,ifIamCytherea'sson.
Mer.Shallwego,Cupid?
Cup.Stay,andseetheladiesnow:they'llcomepresently.I'llhelptopaintthem.
Mer.What,laycolouruponcolour!thataffordsbutanillblazon.
Cup.Herecomesmetaltohelpit,theladyArgurion.
[Argurionpassesoverthestage.
Mer.Money,money.
Cup.Thesame.Anymphofamostwanderingandgiddydisposition,humorousastheair,she'llrunfromgallanttogallant,astheysitatprimerointhepresence,moststrangely,andseldomstayswithany.Shespreadsasshegoes.To-dayyoushallhaveherlookasclearandfreshasthemorning,andto-morrowasmelancholicasmidnight.Shetakesspecialpleasureinacloseobscurelodging,andforthatcausevisitsthecitysooften,whereshehasmanysecrettrueconcealingfavourites.Whenshecomesabroad,she'smorelooseandscatteringthandust,andwillflyfromplacetoplace,asshewerewrappedwithawhirlwind.Youryoungstudent,forthemostpart,sheaffectsnot,onlysaluteshim,andaway:apoet,noraphilosopher,sheishardlybroughttotakeanynoticeof;no,thoughhebesomepartofanalchemist.Shelovesaplayerwell,andalawyerinfinitely;but}7ourfoolaboveall.Shecandomuchincourtfortheobtainingofanysuitwhatsoever,nodoorbutfliesopentoher,herpresenceisaboveacharm.Theworstinheriswantofkeepingstate,andtoomuchdescendingintoinferiorandbaseoffices;she'sforanycoarseemploymentyouwillputuponher,astobeyourprocurer,orpander.
Mer.Peace,Cupid,herecomesmoreworkfory<iu,anothercharacterortwo.
EnterPHANTASTE,MORIA,andPHILATJTIA.
PTia.Stay,sweetPhilautia,I'llbutchangemyfan,andgopresently.
Hor.Now,inverygoodserious,ladies,Iwillhavethisorderrevers'd,thepresencemustbebettermaintain'dfromyou:aquarterpasteleven,andne'eranymphinprospective!Beshrewmyhand,theremustbeareform'ddiscipline.Isthatyournewruff,sweetlady-bird?Bymytroth,'tismostintricatelyrare.
Her.GoodJove,whatreverendgentlewomaninyearsmightthisbe?
Cup.'TismadamMoria,guardianofthenymphs;onethatisnotnowtobepersuadedofherwit;shewillthinkherselfwiseagainstallthejudgmentsthatcome.Aladymadeallofvoiceandair,talksanythingofanything.Sheislikeoneofyourignorantpoetastersofthetime,who,whentheyhavegotacquaintedwithastrangeword,neverresttilltheyhavewrungitin,thoughitloosenthewholefabricoftheirsense.
Mer.Thatwasprettyandsharplynoted,Cupid.
Cup.Shewilltellyou,Philosophywasafinereveller,whenshewasyoung,andagallant,andthatthen,thoughshesayit,shewasthoughttobethedameDidoandHelenofthecourt:asalso,whatasweetdogshehadthistimefouryears,andhowitwascalledFortune;andthat,iftheFateshadnotcuthisthread,hehadbeenadogtohavegivenentertainmenttoanygallantinthiskingdom;andunlessshehadwhelp'ditherself,shecouldnothavelovedathingbetterinthisworld.
Mer.0,Ipritheenomore;Iamfullofher.
Cup.Yes,Imustneedstellyoushecomposesasack-possetwell;andwouldcourtayoungpagesweetly,butthatherbreathisagainstit.
Mer.Now,herbreathorsomethingmorestrongprotectmefromher!Theother,theother,Cupid?
Cup.0,that'smyladyandmistress,madamPhilautia.Sheadmiresnotherselfforanyoneparticularity,butforall:sheisfair,andsheknowsit;shehasaprettylightwittoo,andsheknowsit;shecandance,andsheknowsthattoo;playatshuttle-cock,andthattoo:noqualityshehas,butsheshalltakeaveryparticularknowledgeof,andmostlady-likecommendittoyou.Youshallhaveheratanytimereadyouthehistoryofherself,andverysubtilelyrunoveranotherlady'ssufficienciestocometoherown.Shehasagoodsuperficialjudgmentinpainting,andwouldseemtohavesoinpoetry.Amostcompleteladyintheopinionofsomethreebesideherself.
Phi.Faith,howlikedyoumyquiptoHedon,aboutthegarter?Was'tnotwitty?
Mor.Exceedingwittyandintegrate:youdidsoaggravatethejestwithal.
Phi.AnddidInotdancemovinglythelastnight?
.I/or.Movingly!outofmeasure,introth,sweetcharge.
Mer.Ahappycommendation,todanceoutofmeasure!
Nor.Saveonlyyouwantedtheswimintheturn:0!whenIwasatfourteen
Phi.Xay,that'smineownfromanynymphinthecourt,I'msureon't;thereforeyoumistakemeinthat,guardian:boththeswimandthetripareproperlymine;everybodywillaffirmitthathasanyjudgmentindancing,Iassureyou.
Pha.Comenow,Philautia,Iamforyou;shallwego?
Phi.Ay,goodPhantaste:What!haveyouchangedyourhead-tire?
Pha.Yes,faith,theotherwassonearthecommon,ithadnoextraordinarygrace;besides,Ihadwornitalmostaday,ingoodtroth.
Phi.I'llbesworn,thisismostexcellentforthedevice,andrare;'tisaftertheItalianprintwelook'dont'othernight.
Pha.'Tisso:bythisfan,Icannotabideanythingthatsavoursthepoorover-worncut,thathasanykindredwithit;Imusthavevariety,I:thismixinginfashion,Ihateitworsethantoburnjuniperinmychamber,Iprotest.
Phi.Andyetwecannothaveanewpeculiarcourt-tire,buttheseretainerswillhaveit;thesesuburbSunday-waiters;thesecourtiersforhighdays;IknownotwhatIshouldcall'em
Pha.O,ay,theydomostpitifullyimitate;butIhaveatireacoming,i'faith,shall
Mor.Ingoodcertain,madam,itmakesyoulookmostheavenly;but,layyourhandonyourheart,youneverskinn'danewbeautymoreprosperouslyinyourlife,normoremetaphysically:look,goodlady;sweetlady,look.
Phi.'Tisveryclearandwell,believeme.Butifyouhadseenmineyesterday,when'twasyoung,youwouldhave—-Who'syourdoctor,Phantaste?
Pha.Nay,that'scounsel,Philautia;youshallpardonme:yetI'llassureyouhe'sthemostdainty,sweet,absolute,raremanofthewholecollege.O!hisverylooks,hisdiscourse,hisbehaviour,allhedoesisphysic,Iprotest.
Phi.Forheaven'ssake,hisname,gooddearPhantaste?
Pha.No,no,no,no,no,no,believeme,notforamillionof
heavens:Iwillnotmakehimcheap.Fie
\L\fi/iit/'//(inl'i.^fr,Morfn,andPhilaiilia.
Cup.Thereisanymphtooofamostcuriousandelaboratestrain,light,allmotion,anubiquitary,sheiseverywhere,Phantaste—
Mer.Herverynamespeaksher,letherpass.IJutarethese.Cupid,thestarsofCynthia'scourt?DothesenymphsattenduponDiana?
Cup.Theyareinhercourt.Mercury,butnotasstars;thesenevercomeinthepresenceofCynthia.ThenymphsthatmakehertrainarethedivineArete,Time.I'hnmesis,Thauma,andothersofthathiiihsort.TheseareprivatelybroughtinbyMoriainthis
licentioustime,againstherknowledge:and,likesomanymeteors,willvanishwhensheappears.
EnterPROSAITESsinging,followedbyGELAIAandCos,with
bottles.
Comefollowme,mywags,andsay,asIsay,There'snorichesbutinrags,heyday,heyday:Youthatprofessthisart,comeaway,comeaway,Andhelptobearapart.Heyday,heyday,etc.
[MercuryandCupidcomeforward.
Mer.What,thosethatwereourfellowpagesbutnow,sosoonpreferr'dtobeyeomenofthebottles!Themystery,themystery,goodwags?
Cup.Somediet-drinktheyhavetheguardof.
Pro.No,sir,wearegoinginquestofastrangefountain,latelyfoundout.
Cup.Bywhom?
Cos.Mymaster,orthegreatdiscoverer,Amorphus.
Mer.Thouhastwellentitledhim,Cos,forhewilldiscoverallheknows.
Gel.Ay,andalittlemoretoo,whenthespiritisuponhim.
Pro.0,thegoodtravellinggentlemanyonderhascausedsuchadroughtinthepresence,withreportingthewondersofthisnewwater,thatalltheladiesandgallantslielanguishingupontherushes,likesomanypoundedcattleinthemidstofharvest,sighingonetoanother,andgasping,asifeachofthemexpectedacockfromthefountaintobebroughtintohismouth;andwithoutwereturnquickly,theyareall,asayouthwouldsay,nobetterthanafewtroutscastashore,oradishofeelsinasand-bag.
Mer.Wellthen,youwerebestdispatch,andhaveacareofthem.Come,Cupid,thouandI'llgoperusethisdrywonder.[Exeunt.
ACTIII
SCENEI.—AnApartmentattheCourt.EnterAMORPHUSandASOTUS.
Amo.Sir,letnotthisdiscountenanceordisgallantyouawhit;youmustnotsinkunderthefirstdisaster.Itiswithyouryounggrammaticalcourtier,aswithyourneophyteplayer,athingusualtobedauntedatthefirstpresenceorinterview:yousaw,therewasHedon,andAnaides,farmorepractisedgallantsthanyourself,whowerebothout,tocomfortyou.Itisnodisgrace,nomorethanforyouradventurousrevellertofallbysomeinauspiciouschanceinhisgalliard,orforsomesubtilepolitictoundertakethebastinado,thatthestatemightthinkworthilyofhim,andrespecthimasamanwellbeatentotheworld.What!hathyourtailorprovidedthepropertywespakeofatyourchamber,orno?
Aso.Ithinkhehas.
Amo.Nay,Ier.treatyou,benotsoflatandmelancholic.Erectyourmind:youshallredeemthiswiththecourtship1willteachyouagainsttheafternoon.Whereeatyouto-day?
Aso,Whereyouplease,sir;anywhere,I.
.1mo.Come,letusgoandtastesomelightdinner,adishofslicedcaviare,orso;andafter,youshallpractiseanhouratyourlodgingsomefewformsthatIhaverecall'd.Ifyouhadbutsofargatheredyourspiritstoyou,astohavetakenuparushwhenyouwereout,andwagg'ditthus,orcleansedyourteethwithit;orbutturn'daside,andfeign'dsomebusinesstowhisperwithyourpage,tillyouhadrecoveredyourself,orbutfoundsomeslightstaininyourstocking,oranyotherprettyinvention,soithadbeensudden,youmighthavecomeoffwithamostclearandcourtlygrace.
Aso.Apoisonofall!IthinkIwasforespoke,I.
Amo.No,Imusttellyou,youarenotaudaciousenough;youmustfrequentordinariesamonthmore,toinitiateyourself:inwhichtime,itwillnotbeamiss,if,inprivate,youkeepgoodyouracquaintancewithCrites,orsomeotherofhispoorcoat;visithislodgingsecretlyandoften;becomeanearnestsuitortohearsomeofhislabours.
Aso.0Jove!sir,Icouldnevergethimtoreadalinetome.
Amo.Youmustthenwiselymixyourselfinrankwithsuchasyouknowcan;and,asyourearsdomeetwithanewphrase,oranacutejest,takeitin:aquicknimblememorywillliftitaway,and,atyournextpublicmeal,itisyourown.
Aso.ButIshallneverutteritperfectly,sir.
Amo.Nomatter,letitcomelame.Inordinarytalkyoushallplayitaway,asyoudoyourlightcrownsatprimero:itwillpass.
Aso.Ishallattempt,sir.
Amo.Do.Itisyourshiftingageforwit,and,Iassureyou,menmustbeprudent.Afterthisyoumaytocourt,andtherefallin,firstwiththewaiting-woman,thenwiththelady.Putcasetheydoretainyouthere,asafitproperty,tohirecoachessomepairofmonths,orso;ortoreadthemasleepinafternoonsuponsomeprettypamphlet,tobreatheyou;why,itshallintimeemboldenyoutosomefartherachievement:intheinterim,youmayfashionyourselftobecarelessandimpudent.
Aso.Howiftheywouldhavemetomakeverses?IheardHedonspoketoforsome.
Amo.Why,youmustprovetheaptitudeofyourgonius;ifyoufindnone,youmusthearkenoutavein,andbuy;providedyoupayforthesilenceasforthework,thenyoumaysecurelycallityourown.
Aso.Yes,andI'llgiveoutmyacquaintancewithallthebestwriters,tocountenancemethemore.
Amo.Ratherseemnottoknowthem,itisyourbest.Ay,bewise,thatyouneversomuehasmentionthenameofone,norrememberitmentioned;butiftheybeoffer'dtoyouindiscourse,
shakeyourlighthead,makebetweenasadandasmilingface,pitysome,railatall,andcommendyourself:'tisyouronlysafeandunsuspectedcourse.Come,youshalllookbackuponthecourtagainto-day,andberestoredtoyourcolours:Idonowpartlyaimatthecauseofyourrepulse—whichwasominousindeed—forasyouenteratthedoor,thereisopposedtoyoutheframeofawolfinthehangings,which,surprisingyoureyesuddenly,gaveafalsealarmtotheheart;andthatwasitcalledyourbloodoutofyourface,andsoroutedthewholerankofyourspirits:Ibeseechyoulabourtoforgetit.Andremember,asIinculcatedtoyoubefore,foryourcomfort,HedonandAnaides.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—AnotherApartmentinthesame.EnterHEDONandANAIDES.
Hedon.Heart,wasthereeversoprosperousaninventionthusunluckilypervertedandspoiledbyawhoresonbook-worm,acandle-waster?
Ana.Nay,benotimpatient,Hedon.
Hed.'Slight,Iwouldfainknowhisname.
Ana.Hanghim,poorgroganrascal!pritheethinknotofhim:I'llsendforhimtomylodging,andhavehimblanketedwhenthouwilt,man.
Hed.Odsso,Iwouldthoucouldst.Look,herehecomes.
EnterCBITES,andwalksinamusingpostureatthebackof
thestage.
Laughathim,laughathim;ha,ha,ha!
Ana.Fough!hesmellsalllamp-oilwithstudyingbycandlelight.
Hed.Howconfidentlyhewentbyus,andcarelessly!Nevermoved,norstirredatanything!Didyouobservehim?
Ana.Ay,apoxonhim,lethimgo,dormouse:heisinadreamnow.Hehasnoothertimetosleep,butthuswhenhewalksabroadtotaketheair.
Hed.'Sprecious,thisafflictsmemorethanalltherest,thatweshouldsoparticularlydirectourhateandcontemptagainsthim,andhetocarryitthuswithoutwoundorpassion!'tisinsufferable.
Ana.'Slid,mydearEnvy,ifthoubutsay'stthewordnow,I'llundohimeternallyforthee.
Hed.How,sweetAnaides?
Ana.Marry,halfascoreofusgethimin,onenight,andmakehimpawnhiswitforasupper.
Hed.Away,thouhastsuchunseasonablejests!Bythisheaven,Iwonderatnothingmorethanourgentlemenushers,thatwillsufferapieceofsergeorperpetuanatocomeintothepresence:methinkstheyshould,outoftheirexperience,betterdistinguishthesilkendispositionofcourtiers,thantoletsuchterriblecoarse
ragsmixwithus,abletofretanysmoothorgentlesocietytothethreadswiththeirrubbingdevices.
Ana.Unless'twereLent,Ember-weeks,orfastingdays,whentheplaceismostpenuriouslyemptyofallothergoodoutsides.
Dnme,ifIshouldadventureonhiscompanyoncemore,
withoutasuitofbufftodefendmywit!hedoesnothingbutstab,theslave!Howmischievouslyhecross'dthydeviceoftheprophecy,there?andMoria,shecomeswithouthermufftoo,andtheremyinventionwaslost.
Hed.Well,IamresolvedwhatI'lldo.
Ana.What,mygoodspirituousspark?
Hed.Marry,speakallthevenomIcanofhim;andpoisonhisreputationineveryplacewhereIcome.
Ana.ToreGod,mostcourtly.
Hed.AndifIchancetobepresentwhereanyquestionismadeofhissufficiencies,orofanythinghehathdoneprivateorpublic,I'llcensureitslightlyandridiculously.
Ana.Atanyhandbewareofthat;sothoumay'stdrawthineownjudgmentinsuspect.No,I'llinstructtheewhatthoushaltdo,andbyasafermeans:approveanythingthouhearestofhis,tothereceivedopinionofit;butifitbeextraordinary,giveitfromhimtosomeotherwhomthoumoreparticularlyaffect'st;that'sthewaytoplaguehim,andheshallnevercometodefendhimself.'Slud,I'llgiveoutallhedoesisdictatedfromothermen,andswearittoo,ifthou'Ithaveme,andthatIknowthetimeandplacewherehestoleit,thoughmysoulbeguiltyofnosuchthing;andthatIthink,outofmyheart,hehatessuchbarrenshifts:yettodotheeapleasure,andhimadisgrace,I'lldamnmyself,ordoanything.
Hed.Grammercy,mydeardevil;we'llputitseriouslyinpractice,i'faith.[ExeuntHedonandAnaides.
Cri.[comingforward.']Do,goodDetraction,do,and1thewhileShallshakethyspightoffwithacarelesssmile.Poorpiteousgallants!whatleanidleslightsTheirthoughtssuggesttoflattertheirstarv'dhopes!AsifIknewnothowtoentertainThesestraw-devices;but,offorcemustyieldTotheweakstrokeoftheircalumnioustongues.WhatshouldIcarewhateverydordothbuzIncredulousears?ItisacrowntomeThatthebestjudgmentscanreportmewrong'd;Themliars,andtheirslandersimpudent.Perhaps,upontherumouroftheirspeechSomegrievedfriendwillwhispertome;Crite.^,Menspeakillofthee.Sotheybeillmen,Iftheyspakeworse,'twerebetter:forofsiu-hTobedispraised,isthemostperfectpraise.Whatcanhiscensurehurtme.\\lmmthe\\-<>rl<!Hathcensuredvilebeforeme!IfgoodClirestus,
Euthus,orPhronimus,hadspokethewords,
Theywouldhavemovedme,andIshouldhavecall'd
Mythoughtsandactionstoastrictaccount
Uponthehearing:butwhenIremember,
'TisHedonandAnaides,alas,then
Ithinkbutwhattheyare,andamnotstirr'd.
Theonealightvoluptuousreveller,
Theother,astrangearrogatingpuff,
Bothimpudent,andignorantenough;
Thattalkastheyarewont,notasImerit;
Traducebycustom,asmostdogsdobark,
Donothingoutofjudgment,butdisease,
Speakill,becausetheynevercouldspeakwell.
Andwho'dbeangrywiththisraceofcreatures?
Whatwisephysicianhaveweeverseen
Movedwithafranticman?thesameaffects
Thathedothbeartohissickpatient,
Shouldarightmindcarrytosuchasthese;
AndIdocountitamostrarerevenge,
ThatIcanthus,withsuchasweetneglect,
Pluckfromthemallthepleasureoftheirmalice;
Forthat'sthemarkofalltheirenginousdrifts,
Towoundmypatience,howsoe'ertheyseem
Toaimatotherobjects;whichifmiss'd,
Theirenvy'slikeanarrowshotupright,
That,inthefall,endangerstheirownheads.
EnterARETE.
Are.What,Crites!wherehaveyoudrawnforththeday,Youhavenotvisitedyourjealousfriends?
Cri.WhereIhaveseen,mosthonour'dArete,Thestrangestpageant,fashion'dlikeacourt,(AtleastIdreamtIsawit)sodiffused,Sopainted,pied,andfullofrainbowstrains,Asneveryet,eitherbytime,orplace,Wasmadethefoodtomydistastedsense;NorcanmyweakimperfectmemoryNowrenderhalftheformsuntomytongue,Thatwereconvolvedwithinthisthriftyroom.Herestalksmebyaproudandspangledsir,Thatlooksthreehandfulshigherthanhisforetop;Savourshimselfalone,isonhykindAndlovingtohimself;onethatwillspeakMoredarkanddoubtfulthansixoracles!Salutesafriend,asifhehadastitch;Ishisownchronicle,andscarcecaneatForregist'ringhimself;iswaitedonBymimics,jesters,panders,parasites,Andothersuchlikeprodigiesofmen.
Hepast,appearssomemincingmarmoset
Madeallofclothesandface;hislimbssoset
Asiftheyhadsomevoluntaryact
Withoutman'smotion,andmustmovejustso
Inspightoftheircreation:onethatweighs
Hisbreathbetweenhisteeth,anddaresnotsmile
Beyondapoint,forfeart'unstarchhislook;
Hathtravell'dtomakelegs,andseenthecringe
Ofseveralcourts,andcourtiers;knowsthetime
Ofgivingtitles,andoftakingwalls;
Hathreadcourtcommon-places;madethemhis:
Studiedthegrammarofstate,andalltherules
Eachformalusherinthatpoliticschool
Canteachaman.Athirdcomes,givingnods
Tohisrepentingcreditors,protests
Toweepingsuitors,takesthecominggold
Ofinsolentandbaseambition,
Thathourlyrubshisdryanditchypalms;
Whichgriped,likeburningcoals,hehurlsaway
Intothelapsofbawds,andbuffoons'mouths.
WithhimtheremeetssomesubtleProteus,one
Canchange,andvarywithallformshesees;
Beanythingbuthonest;servesthetime;
Hoversbetwixttwofactions,andexplores
Thedriftsofboth;which,withcrossface,hebears
Tothedividedheads,andisreceived
Withmutualgraceofeither:onethatdares
Dodeedsworthythehurdleorthewheel,
Tobethoughtsomebody;andisinsooth
Suchasthesatiristpointstrulyforth,
Thatonlytohiscrimesowesallhisworth.
Are.Youtelluswonders,Crites.
Cri.Thisisnothing.
Therestandsaneophiteglazingofhisface,Pruninghisclothes,perfumingofhishair,Againsthisidolenters;andrepeats,Likeanunperfectprologue,atthirdmusic,Hispartofspeeches,andconfederatejests,Inpassiontohimself.AnotherswearsHissceneofcourtshipover;bids,believehim,Twentytimeseretheywill;anon,dothseemAshewouldkissawayhishandinkindness;Thenwalksoffmelancholic,andstandswreath'd,Ashewerepinn'duptothearras,thus.Athirdismostinaction,swimsandfrisks,Playswithhismistress'spaps,salutesherpumps,Adoresherhems,herskirts,herknots,hercurls,Willspendhispatrimonyforagarter,Ortheleastfeatherinherbounteousf;m.
;
.
Aso.Thisishard,bymyfaith.I'llbeginitallagain.
Amo.Doso,andIwillactitforyourlady.
Aso.Willyouvouchsafe,sir?Allvarietyofdivinepleasures,choicesports,sweetmusic,richfare,braveattire,softbeds,andsilkenthoughts,attendthisdearbeauty.
Amo.So,sir,prayyou,away.
Aso.Morethanmostfairlady,LetnottherigourofyourjustdisdainThuscoarselycensureofyourservant'szeal;Iprotestyouaretheonly,andabsolute,unappareWd
Amo.Unparallel'd.
Aso.Unparalleledcreature,Idoadore,andadmire,andrespect,andreverence,inthiscorneroftheworldorkingdom.
Amo.Thisis,ifsheabideyou.Butnow,putthecasesheshouldbepassantwhenyouenter,asthus:youaretoframeyourgaitthereafter,andcalluponher,lady,nymph,sweetrefuge,starofourcourt.Then,ifshebeguardant,here;youaretocomeon,and,laterallydisposing
yourself,swearbyherblushingandwell-colouredcheek,thebrightdyeofherhair,herivoryteeth,thoughtheybeebony),orsomesuchwhiteandinnocentoath,toinduceyou.Ifregardant,thenmaintainyourstation,briskandirpe,showthesupplemotionofyourpliantbody,butinchiefofyourknee,andhand,whichcannotbutarrideherproudhumourexceedingly.
Aso.Iconceiveyou,sir.Ishallperformallthesethingsingoodtime,Idoubtnot,theydosohitme.
Amo.Well,sir,Iamyourlady;makeuseofanyofthesebeginnings,orsomeotheroutofyourowninvention;andprovehowyoucanholdup,andfollowit.Say,say.
Aso.Yes,sir.MydearLindabrides.
Amo.No,youaffectthatLindabridestoomuch;andletmetellyouitisnotsocourtly.YourpedantshouldprovideyousomeparcelsofFrench,orsomeprettycommodityofItalian,tocommencewith,ifyouwouldbeexoticandexquisite.
Aso.Yes,sir,hewasatmylodgingt'othermorning,Igavehimadoublet.
Amo.Doubleyourbenevolence,andgivehimthehosetoo;clotheyouhisbody,hewillhelptoapparelyourmind.Butnow,seewhatyourpropergeniuscanperformalone,withoutadjectionofanyotherMinerva.
Aso.Icomprehendyou,sir.
Amo.Idostandyou,sir;fallbacktoyourfirstplace.Good,passingwell:veryproperlypursued.
Aso.Beautiful,ambiguous,andsufficientlady,what!areyouallalone?
Amo.Wewouldbe,sir,ifyouwouldleaveus.
Aso.Iamatyourbeauty'sappointment,brightangel;but
Amo.Whatbut?
Aso.Noharm,morethanmostfairfeature.
Amo.Thattouchrelish'dwell.
Aso.But,Iprotest
Anio.Andwhyshouldyouprotest?
Aso.Forgoodwill,dearesteemedmadam,andIhopeyourladyshipwillsoconceiveofit:
Andwill,intime,returnfromyourdisdain,Andruethesufferanceofourfriendlypain.
Amo.O,thatpiecewasexcellent!Ifyoucouldpickoutmoreoftheseplay-particles,and,asoccasionshallsaluteyou,embroiderordamaskyourdiscoursewiththem,persuadeyoursoul,itwouldmostjudiciouslycommendyou.Come,thiswasawell-dischargedandauspiciousbout.Provethesecond.
Aso.Lady,Icannotruffleitinredandyellow.
Amo.Why,ifyoucanrevelitinwhite,sir,'tissufficient.
Aso.Sayyouso,siveetlady!Lan,tede,de,de,de,dant,dant,dant,dante.[Singsanddances.]No,ingoodfaith,madam,whosoevertoldyourladyshipso,abusedyou;butIwouldbegladtomeetyourladyshipinameasure.
Amo.Me,sir!Belikeyoumeasuremebyyourself,then?
Aso.WouldImight,fairfeature.
Amo.Andwhatwereyouthebetter,ifyoumight?
Aso.Thebetteritpleaseyoutoask,fairlady.
Amo.Why,thiswasravishing,andmostacutelycontinued.Well,spendnotyourhumourtoomuch,youhavenowcompetentlyexercisedyourconceit:this,onceortwiceaday,willrenderyouanaccomplishd,elaborate,andwell-levell'dgallant.Conveyinyourcourting-stock,wewillintheheatofthisgovisitthenymphs'chamber.[Exeunt.
ACTIV
SCENEI.—AnApartmentinthePalace.EnterPHANTASTE,PHILAUTIA,AEGUBION,MORIA,andCUPID.
Pha.Iwouldthiswaterwouldarriveonce,ourtravellingfriendsocommendedtous.
Arg.SowouldI,forhehasleftallusintravailwithexpectationofit.
Pha.PrayJove,Ineverrisefromthiscouch,ifeverIthirstedmoreforathinginmywholetimeofbeingacourtier.
Phi.NorI,I'llbesworn:theverymentionofitsetsmylipsinaworseheat,thanifhehadsprinkledthemwithmercury.Reach,metheglass,sirrah,
Cup.Here,lady.
Mor.Theydonotpeel,sweetcharge,dothey?
Phi.Yes,alittle,guardian.
Mor.O,'tisaneminentgoodsign.Everwhenmylipsdoso,Iamsuretohavesomedeliciousgooddrinkorotherapproaching.
Arg.Marry,andthismaybogoodforusladies,foritseems'tisfarfetbytheirstay.
Mor.Mypalateforyours,dearHonour,itshallprovemostelegant,Iwarrantyou.O,Idofancythisgearthat'slongacoming,withanunmeasurablestrain.
Pha.Praytheesitdown,Philautia;thatrebatubecomestheesingularly.
Phi.Isitnotquaint?
Pha.Yes,faith.Methinks,thyservantHedonisnothingsoobsequioustothee,ashewaswonttobe:Iknownothow,heisgrownoutofhisgarba-late,he'swarp'd.
Mor.Intrueness,andsomethinkstoo;heismuchconverted.
Phi.Tut,lethimbewhathewill,'tisananimalIdreamnotof.Thistire,methinks,makesmelookveryingeniously,quick,andspirited;IshouldbesomeLaura,orsomeDelia,methinks.
Mor.AsIamwise,fairHonours,thattitleshegavehim,tobeherAmbition,spoil'dhim:before,hewasthemostpropitiousandobservantyoungnovice—
Pha.No,no,youarethewholeheavenawry,guardian;'tistheswaggeringcoach-horseAnaidesdrawswithhimthere,hasbeenthediverterofhim.
Phi.ForCupid'ssakespeaknomoreofhim;wouldImightneverdaretolookinamirroragain,ifIrespecteveramarmosetof'emall,otherwisethanIwouldafeather,ormyshuttle-cock,tomakesportwithnowandthen.
Pha.Come,sitdown;troth,anyoubegoodbeauties,let'srunoverthemallnow:Whichistheproperestmanamongstthem?Isay,thetraveller,Amorphus.
Phi.O,fieonhim,helookslikeaVenetiantrumpeterinthebattleofLepanto,inthegalleryyonder;andspeakstothetuneofacountryladythatcomeseverintherearwardortrainofafashion.
Mor.Ishouldhavejudgmentinafeature,sweetbeauties.
Pha.Abodywouldthinkso,attheseyears.
Mor.AndIpreferanothernow,farbeforehim,amillion,atleast.
Pha.Whomightthatbe,guardian?
Mor.Marry,faircharge,Anaides.
Pha.Anaides!youtalk'dofatune,Philautia;there'sonespeaksinakey,liketheopeningofsomejustice'sgate,orapostboy'shorn,asifhisvoicefearedanarrestforsomeillwordsitshouldgive,andwerelothtocomeforth.
Phi.Ay,andhehasaveryimperfectface.
Pha.Likeasea-monster,thatweretoravishAndromedafromtherock.
Phi.Hishandstoogreattoo,byatleastastraw'sbreadth.
Pha.Nay,hehasaworsefaultthanthattoo.
Phi.Alongheel?
Pha.Thatwereafaultinalady,ratherthanhim:no,theysayheputsoffthecalvesofhislegs,withhisstockings,everynight.
Phi.Outuponhim!Turntoanotherofthepictures,forlove'ssake.WhatsaysArguilon?Whomdoesshecommendaforetherest?
Cup.IhopeIhaveinstructedhersufficientlyforananswer.
[Aside.
Mor.Troth,Imadethemotiontoherladyshipforoneto-day,i'thepresence,butitappear'dshewasotherwaysfurnishedbefore:shewouldnone.
Pha.Whowasthat,Argurion?
Mor.Many,thepoorplaingentlemanintheblackthere.
Pha.Who,Crites?
Arg.Ay,ay,he:afellowthatnobodysomuchaslook'dupon,orregarded;andshewouldhavehadmedonehimparticulargrace.
Pha.Thatwasatruetrickofyourself,Moria,topersuadeArguriontoaffectthescholar.
Arg.Tut,butsheshallbenochooserforme.Ingoodfaith,Ilikethecitizen'ssonthere,Asotus;methinksnoneofthemallcomenearhim.
Pha.NotHedon?
Arg.Hedon!Introth,no.Hedon'saprettyslightcourtier,andhewearshisclotheswell,andsometimesinfashion;marry,hisfaceisbutindifferent,andhehasnosuchexcellentbody.No,theotherisamostdelicateyouth;asweetface,astraightbody,awell-proportion'dlegandfoot,awhitehand,atendervoice.
Phi.Hownow,Argurion!
Pha.0,youshouldhaveletheralone,shewasbestowingacopyofhimuponus.Suchanosewereenoughtomakemeloveaman,now.
Phi.Andthenhisseveralcolourshewears;whereinheflourishethchangeably,everyday.
Pha.0,buthisshorthair,andhisnarroweyes!
Phi.Whyshedoatsmorepalpablyuponhimthaneverhisfatherdiduponher.
Pha.Believeme,theyounggentlemandeservesit.Ifshecoulddoatmore,'twerenotamiss.Heisanexceedingproperyouth,andwouldhavemadeamostneatbarbersurgeon,ifhehadbeenputtoitintime.
Phi.Sayyouso!Methinkshelookslikeatailoralready.
Pha.Ay,thathadsayedononeofhiscustomer'ssuits.Hisfaceislikeasqueezedorange,or—
Arg.Well,ladies,jeston:thebestofyoubothwouldbegladofsuchaservant.
Mor.Ay,I'llbeswornwouldthey,thoughhebealittleshamefaced.
Pha.Shame-faced,Moria!outuponhim.Yourshame-facedservantisyouronlygull.
Mor.Goto,beauties,makemuchoftime,andplace,andoccasion,andopportunity,andfavourites,andthingsthatbelongtothem,forI'llensureyoutheywillallrelinquish;theycannotendureaboveanotheryear;Iknowitoutoffutureexperience;andthereforetakeexhibitionandwarning.Iwasoncearevellermyself,andthoughIspeakit,asmineowntrumpet,Iwasthenesteeru'd—
Phi.Theverymarch-paneofthecourt,Iwarrantyou.
PJia.Andallthegallantscameaboutyoulikeflies,didtheynot?
Mor.Goto,theydidsomewhat;that'snomatternow.
Pha.Nay,goodMoria,benotangry.Putcase,thatwefournowhadthegrantfromJuno,towishourselvesintowhathappyestatewecould,whatwouldyouwishtobe,Moria?
Mor.Who,I!letmeseenow.Iwouldwishtobeawisewoman,andknowallthesecretsofcourt,city,andcountry.Iwouldknowwhatweredonebehindthearras,whatuponthestairs,whatinthegarden,whatinthenymphs'chamber,whatbybarge,andwhatbycoach.Iwouldtellyouwhichcourtierwerescabbedandwhichnot;whichladyhadherownfacetoliewithhera-nightsandwhichnot;whoputofftheirteethwiththeirclothesincourt,whotheirhair,whotheircomplexion;andinwhichboxtheyputit.Thereshouldnotanymph,orawidow,begotwithchildintheverge,butIwouldguess,withinoneortwo,whowastherightfather,andinwhatmonthitwasgotten;withwhatwords,andwhichway.Iwouldtellyouwhichmadamlovedamonsieur,whichaplayer,whichapage;whosleptwithherhusband,whowithherfriend,whowithhergentleman-usher,whowithherhorse-keeper,whowithhermonkey,andwhowithall;yes,andwhojigg'dthecocktoo.
Pha.Fie,you'dtellall,Moria!IfIshouldwishnow,itshouldbetohaveyourtongueout.ButwhatsaysPhilautia?Whoshouldshebe?
Phi.Troth,theverysameIam.OnlyIwouldwishmyselfalittlemorecommandand
sovereignty;thatallthecourtweresubjecttomyabsolutebeck,andallthingsinitdependingonmylook;asiftherewerenootherheavenbutinmysmile,norotherhellbutinmyfrown;thatImightsendforanymanIlist,andhavehisheadcutoffwhenIhavedonewithhim,ormadeaneunuchifhedeniedme;andifIsawabetterfacethanmineown,Imighthavemydoctortopoisonit.Whatwouldyouwish,Phantaste?
Pha.Faith,Icannotreadilytellyouwhat:butmethinksIshouldwishmyselfallmannerofcreatures.NowIwouldbeanempress,andbyandbyaduchess;thenagreatladyofstate,thenoneofyourmiscellanymadams,thenawaiting-woman,thenyourcitizen'swife,thenacoarsecountrygentlewoman,thenadairymaid,thenashepherd'slass,thenanempressagain,orthequeenoffairies:andthusIwouldprovethevicissitudesandwhirlofpleasuresaboutandagain.AsIwereashepherdess,Iwouldbepipedandsungto;asadairy-wench,Iwoulddanceatmaypoles,andmakesyllabubs;asacountrygentlewoman,keepagoodhouse,andcomeuptotermtoseemotions;asacitizen'swife,tobetroubledwithajealoushusband,andputtomyshifts;others'miseriesshouldbemypleasures.Asawaiting-woman,Iwouldtastemylady'sdelightstoher;asamiscellanymadam,inventnewtires,andgovisitcourtiers;asagreatlady,liea-bed,andhavecourtiersvisitme;asaduchess,Iwouldkeepmystate;andasan
empress,Iwoulddoanything.And,inalltheseshapes,Iwouldeverbefollowedwiththeaffectionsofallthatseeme.Marry,Imyselfwouldaffectnone;orifIdid,itshouldnotbeheartily,butsoasImightsavemyselfinthemstill,andtakeprideintormentingthepoorwretches.Or,nowIthinkon't,Iwould,foroneyear,wishmyselfonewoman;buttherichest,fairest,anddelicatestinakingdom,theverycentreofwealthandbeauty,whereinalllinesofloveshouldmeet;andinthatpersonIwouldproveallmannerofsuitors,ofallhumours,andofallcomplexions,andneverhaveanytwoofasort.Iwouldseehowlove,bythepowerofhisobject,couldworkinwardlyalike,inacholericmanandasanguine,inamelancholicandaphlegmatic,inafoolandawiseman,inaclownandacourtier,inavaliantmanandacoward;andhowhecouldvaryoutward,bylettingthisgallantexpresshimselfindumbgaze;anotherwithsighingandrubbinghisfingers;athirdwithplay-endsandpitifulverses;afourth,withstabbinghimself,anddrinkinghealths,orwritinglanguishinglettersinhisblood;afifth,incolour'dribandsandgoodclothes;withthislordtosmile,andthatlordtocourt,andthet'otherlordtodote,andonelordtohanghimself.And,then,Itohaveabookmadeofallthis,whichIwouldcalltheBooleofHumours,andeverynightreadalittlepieceereIslept,andlaughatit.—HerecomesHedon.
EnterHEDON,ANAIDES,andMERCURY,whoretireswithCUPIDtothebackofthestage,wheretheyconversetogether.
Hed.Saveyousweetandclearbeauties!Bythespiritthatmovesinme,youareallmostpleasinglybestow'd,ladies.OnlyIcantakeitfornogoodomen,tofindmineHonoursodejected.
Phi.Youneednotfear,sir;Ididofpurposehumblemyselfagainstyourcoming,todeclinetheprideofmyAmbition.
Hed.FairHonour,Ambitiondaresnotstoop;butifitbeyoursweetpleasureIshalllosethattitle,Iwill,asIamHedon,applymyselftoyourbounties.
Phi.Thatwerethenextwaytodis-titlemyselfofhonour.O,no,ratherbestillAmbitious,Iprayyou.
Hed.Iwillbeanythingthatyouplease,whilstitpleasethyoutobeyourself,lady.SweetPhantaste,dearMoria,mostbeautifulArgurion—
Ana.Farewell,Hedon.
Hed.Anaides,stay,whithergoyou?
Ana.'Slight,whatshouldIdohere?anyouengrossthemallforyourownuse,'tistimeformetoseekout.
Hed.Iengrossthem!Away,mischief;thisisoneofyourextravagantjestsnow,becauseIbegantosalutethembytheirnames.
Ana.Faith,youmighthavesparedusmadamPrudence,theguardianthere,thoughyouhadmorecovetously;iim'dattherest.
Hed.'Sheart,takethemall,man:whatspeakyoutomeofaimingorcovetous?
Ana.Ay,sayyouso!nay,then,haveatthem:—Ladies,here'sonehathdistinguishedyoubyyournamesalready:Itshallonlybecomemetoaskhowyoudo.
Hed.Odsso,wasthisthedesignyoutravail'dwith?
Pha.Whoanswersthebrazenhead?itspoketosomebody.
Ana.LadyWisdom,doyouinterpretforthesepuppets?
Mor.Intruthandsadness,honours,youareingreatoffenceforthis.Goto;thegentleman(I'llundertakewithhim)isamanoffairliving,andabletomaintainaladyinhertwocoachesaday,besidespages,monkeys,andparaquettoes,withsuchattendantsassheshallthinkmeetforherturn;andthereforethereismorerespectrequirable,howsoe'eryouseemtoconnive.Harkyou,sir,letmediscourseasyllablewithyou.Iamtosaytoyou,theseladiesarenotofthatcloseandopenbehaviourashaplyyoumaysuspend;theircarriageiswellknowntobesuchasitshouldbe,bothgentleandextraordinary.
Her.0,herecomestheotherpair.
EnterAMORPHUSandASOTUS.
Amo.Thatwasyourfather'slove,thenymphArgurion.Iwouldhaveyoudirectallyourcourtshipthither;ifyoucouldbutendearyourselftoheraffection,youwereeternallyengallanted.
Aso.Intruth,sir!prayPhoebusIprovefavoursomeinherfaireyes.
Amo.Alldivinemixture,andincreaseofbeautytothisbrightbevyofladies;andtothemale
courtiers,complimentandcourtesy.
Hed.Inthebehalfofthemales,Igratifyyou,Amorphus.
Pha.AndIofthefemales.
Amo.Succinctlyreturn'd.Idovailtobothyourthanks,andkissthem;butprimarilytoyours,mostingenious,acute,andpolitelady.
Phi.Odsmylife,howhedoesall-to-bequalifyher!ingenious,acute,andpolite!asiftherewasnotothersinplaceasingenious,acute,andpoliteasshe.
Hed.Yes,butyoumustknow,lady,hecannotspeakoutofadictionarymethod.
Pha.Sitdown,sweetAmorphus.Whenwillthiswatercome,thinkyou?
Amo.Itcannotnowbelong,fairlady.
Cup.Nowobserve,Mercury.
Aso.How,mostambiguousbeauty!loveyou?thatIwill,bythishandkerchief.
Mer.'Slid,hedrawshisoathsoutofhispocket.
Arg.Butwillyoubeconstant?
Aso.Constant,madam!Iwillnotsayforconstantness;butbythispurse,whichIwouldbelothtoswearby,unlessitwereembroidered,Iprotest,morethanmostfairlady,youaretheonlyabsolute,andunparallel'dcreature,Idoadore,andadmire,and
respect,andreverenceinthiscourt,corneroftheworld,orkingdom.Methinksyouaremelancholy.
Arg.Doesyourheartspeakallthis?
Aso.Sayyou?
Her.0,heisgropingforanotheroath.
Aso.Nowbythiswatch—Imariehowforwardthedayis—Idounfeignedlyavowmyself—'slight,'tisdeeperthanItookit,pastfive—yoursentirelyaddicted,madam.
Arg,Irequirenomore,dearestAsotus;henceforthletmecallyoumine,andinremembranceofme,vouchsafetowearthischainandthisdiamond.
Aso.Olord,sweetlady!
Cup.Therearenewoathsforhim.What!dothHermestastenoalterationinallthis?
Mer.Yes,thouhaststrookArgurionenamour'donAsotus,methinks.
Cup.Alas,no;Iamnobody,I;Icandonothinginthisdisguise.
Mer.Butthouhastnotwoundedanyoftherest,Cupid.
Cup.Notyet;itisenoughthatIhavebegunsoprosperously.
Arg.Nay,thesearenothingtothegemsIwillhourlybestowuponthee;bebutfaithfulandkindtome,andIwillladetheewithmyrichestbounties:behold,heremybraceletsfromminearms.
Aso.Notso,goodlady,bythisdiamond.
Arg.Take'em,wear'em;myjewels,chainofpearlpendants,allIhave.
Aso.Naythen,bythispearlyoumakemeawanton.
Cup.Shallshenotanswerforthis,tomaintainhimthusinswearing?
Mer.Ono,thereisawaytoweanhimfromthis,thegentlemanmaybereclaim'd.
Cup.Ay,ifyouhadtheairingofhisapparel,coz,Ithink.
Aso.Loving!'twerepityanIshouldbelivingelse,believeme.Saveyou,sir,saveyou,sweetlady,saveyou,monsieurAnaides,saveyou,dearmadam.
Ana.Dostthouknowhimthatsalutedthee,Hedon?
Hed.No,someidleFungoso,thathathgotabovethecupboardsinceyesterday.
Ana.'Slud,Ineversawhimtillthismorning,andhesalutesmeasfamiliarlyasifwehadknowntogethersincethedeluge,orthefirstyearofTroyaction.
Amo.Amostright-handedandauspiciousencounter.Confineyourselftoyourfortunes.
Phi.Forsport'ssakelet'shavesomeRiddlesorPurposes,ho!
Pha.No,faith,yourPropheciesarebest,thet'otherarestale.
Phi.Prophecies!wecannotallsitinatthem;weshallmakeaconfusion.No;whatcall'dyouthatwehadintheforenoon?
Pha.Substantivesandadjectives,isitnot,Hedon?
Phi.Ay,that.Whobegins?
Pha.Ihavethought;speakyouradjectives,sirs.
Phi.Butdonotyouchangethen.
Pha.NotI.Whosays?
Mor.Odoriferous.
Phi.Popular.
Arg.Humble.
Ana.White-liver'd.
Hed.Barbarous.
Amo.Pythagorical.
Hed.Yours,signior.
Aso.WhatmustIdo,sir?
Amo.Giveforthyouradjectivewiththerest;asprosperous,good,fair,sweet,well—
Hed.Anythingthathathnotbeenspoken.
Aso.Yes,sir,wellspokenshallbemine.
Pha.What,haveyoualldone?
All.Ay.
Pha.ThenthesubstantiveisBreeches.Whyodoriferousbreeches,guardian?
Mor.Odoriferous,—becauseodoriferous:thatwhichcontainsmostvarietyofsavourandsmellwesayismostodoriferous;nowbreeches,Ipresume,areincidenttothatvariety,andthereforeodoriferousbreeches.
Pha.Well,wemusttakeithowsoever.Who'snext?Philautia?
Phi.Popular.
Pha.Whypopularbreeches?
PJia.Marry,thatis,whentheyarenotcontenttobegenerallynotedincourt,butwillpressforthoncommonstagesandbrokers'stalls,tothepublicviewoftheworld.
Pha.Good.Whyhumblebreeches,Argurion?
Arg.Humble!becausetheyusetobesatupon;besides,ifyoutiethemnotup,theirpropertyistofalldownaboutyourheels.
Mer.Shehaswornthebreeches,itseems,whichhavedoneso.
Pha.Butwhywhite-liver'd?
Ana.Why!arenottheirliningswhite?Besides,whentheycomeinswaggeringcompany,andwillpocketupanything,maytheynotproperlybesaidtobewhite-liver'd?
Pha.Oyes,wemustnotdenyit.Andwhybarbarous,Hedon?
Hed.Barbarous!becausecommonly,whenyouhavewornyourbreechessufficiently,yougivethemtoyourbarber.
Amo.That'sgood;buthowPythagorical?
Phi.Ay,Amorphus,whyPythagoricalbreeches?
Amo.Omostkindlyofall;'tisaconceitofthatfortune,Iamboldtohugmybrainfor.
Plia.Howisit,exquisiteAmorphus?
Amo.O,Iamraptwithit,'tissofit,soproper,sohappy—
Phi.Nay,donotrackusthus.
Amo.Inevertrulyrelish'dmyselfbefore.Givemeyourears.
BreechesPythagorical,byreasonoftheirtransmigrationintoseveralshapes.
Mor.Mostrare,insweettroth.Marrythisyounggentleman,forhiswell-spoken—
Pha.Ay,whywell-spokenbreeches?
Aso.Well-spoken!Marry,well-spoken,because—whatsoevertheyspeakiswell-taken;andwhatsoeveriswell-takeniswell-spoken.
Mor.Excellent!believeme.
Aso.Notso,ladies,neither.
Hed.Butwhybreeches,now?
Pha.Breeches,quasibear-riches;whenagallantbearsallhisrichesinhisbreeches.
Amo.Mostfortunatelyetymologised.
Pha.'Nay,wehaveanothersportaforethis,ofAthingdone,andwhodidit,etc.
Phi.Ay,goodPhantaste,let'shavethat:distributetheplaces.
Pha.Why,Iimagine,Athingdone;Hedonthinks,whodidit;Moria,withwhatitwasdone;Anaides,whereitwasdone;Argurion,whenitwasdone;Amorphus,forwhatcausewasitdone;you,Philautia,whatfolloweduponthedoingofit;andthisgentleman,whowouldhavedoneitbetter.What?isitconceivedabout?
All.Yes,yes.
Pha.Thenspeakyou,sir,Whowouldliavedoneitbetter?
Aso.How!doesitbeginatme?
Pha.Yes,sir:thisplayiscalledtheCrab,itgoesbackward.
Aso.MayInotnamemyself?
Phi.Ifyouplease,sir,anddareabidetheventureofit.
Aso.ThenIwouldhavedoneitbetter,whateveritis.
Pha.Nodoubton't,sir:agoodconfidence.WJiatfollowedupontheact,Philautia?
Phi.Afewheatdrops,andamonth'smirth.
Pha.Forwhatcause,Amorphus?
Amo.Forthedelightofladies.
Pha.When,Argurion?
Arg.Lastprogress.
Pha.Where,Anaides?
Ana.Why,inapairofpain'dslops.
Pha.Withwhat,Moria?
M»r.Withaglyster.
Pha.Who,Hedon?
//"/.Atraveller.
Pha.Thenthethingdonewas,Anorationwasmade.Rehearse.Anorationwasmade—
Jlfd.Byatraveller—
Mor.Withaglyster—
Ana.Inapairofpain'dslops—
Arg.Lastprogress—
Amo.Forthedelightofladies—
Phi.Afewheatdrops,andamonth'smirthfollowed.
Pha.And,thissilentgentlemanwouldhavedoneitbetter.
Aso.Thiswasnotsogood,now.
Phi.Ingoodfaith,theseunhappypageswouldbewhipp'dforstayingthus.
Mor.Beshrewmyhandandmyheartelse.
Amo.Idowonderattheirprotraction.
Ana.PrayVenusmywhorehavenotdiscover'dherselftotherascallyboys,andthatbethecauseoftheirstay.
Aso.Imustsuitmyselfwithanotherpage:thisidleProsaiteswillneverbebroughttowaitwell.
Mor.Sir,IhaveakinsmanIcouldwillinglywishtoyourservice,ifyouwilldeigntoacceptofhim.
Aso.AndIshallbeglad,mostsweetlady,toembracehim:Whereishe?
Mor.Icanfetchhim,sir,butIwouldbelothtomakeyoutoturnawayyourotherpage.
Aso.Youshallnot,mostsufficientlady;Iwillkeepboth:prayyoulet'sgoseehim.
Arg.Whithergoesmylove?
Aso.I'llreturnpresently,Igobuttoseeapagewiththislady.
[ExetmtAsotusandMoria.
Ana.Assureasfate,'tisso:shehasopenedall:apoxofallcockatrices!D—nme,ifshehaveplay'dloosewithme,I'llcutherthroat,withinahair'sbreadth,soitmaybeheal'dagain.
Mer.What,ishejealousofhishermaphrodite?
Cup.O,ay,thiswillbeexcellentsport.
Phi.Phantaste,Argurion!what,youaresuddenlystruck,methinks!Forlove'ssakelet'shavesomemusictilltheycome:Ambition,reachthelyra,Iprayyou.
Hed.AnythingtowhichmyHonourshalldirectme.
Phi.Come,Amorphus,cheerupPhantaste.
Amo.Itshallbemypride,fairlady,toattemptallthatisinmypower.Buthereisaninstrumentthataloneisabletoinfusesoulintothemostmelancholicanddull-disposedcreatureuponearth.O,letmekissthyfairknees.Beauteousears,attendit.
Hed.Willyouhave"theKiss,"Honour?'
Phi.Ay,goodAmbition.
HEDONsings.
0,tliatjoysosoonshouldwaste!OrsosweetablissAsakiss
Mightnotforeverlast!Sosugared,somelting,sosoft,sodelicious,Thedewthatliesonroses,Whenthemornherselfdiscloses,Isnotsoprecious.
0ratherthanIwoulditsmother,
WereItotastesuchanother;ItshouldbemywishingThatImightdiewithkissing.
Bed.Imadethisditty,andthenotetoit,uponakissthatmyHonourgaveme;bowlikeyouit,sir?
Amo.Aprettyair;ingeneral..Ilikeitwell:butinparticular,yourlongdie-notedidarrideuiemost,butitwassomewhattoolong.Icanshowonealmostofthesamenature,butmuchbeforeit,andnotsolong,inacompositionofmineown.IthinkIhaveboththenoteanddittyaboutme.
Hed.Prayyou,sir,see.
Amo.Yes,thereisthenote;andalltheparts,ifImisthinknot.Iwillreadthedittytoyourbeautieshere;butfirstIamtomakeyoufamiliarwiththeoccasion,whichpresentsitselfthus.Uponatime,goingtotakemyleaveoftheemperor,andkisshisgreathands,therebeingthenpresentthekingsofFranceandArragon,thedukesofSavoy,Florence,Orleans,Bourbon,Brunswick,theLandgrave,countPalatine;allwhichhadseverallyfeastedme;besidesinfinitemoreofinferiorpersons,ascountsandothers;itwasmychance(theemperordetainedbysomeexorbitantaffair)towaithimthefifthpartofanhour,ormuchnearit.Inwhichtime,retiringmyselfintoabay-window,thebeauteousladyAnnabel,niecetotheempress,andsistertothekingofArragon,whohavingneverbeforeeyedme,butonlyheardthecommonreportofmyvirtue,learning,andtravel,fellintothatextremityofpassionformylove,thatshethereimmediatelyswooned:physiciansweresentfor,shehadtoherchamber,sotoherbed;where,languishingsomefewdays,aftermanytimescallinguponme,withmynameinherlips,sheexpired.Asthat(Imustmourninglysay)istheonlyfaultofmyfortune,that,asithatheverbeenmyhaptobesuedto,byallladiesandbeauties,whereIhavecome;soIneveryetsojourn'dorrestedinthatplaceorpartoftheworld,wheresomehigh-born,admirable,fairfeaturediednotformylove.
Mer.0,thesweetpoweroftravel!—Areyouguiltyofthis,Cupid?
Cup.No,Mercury,andthathispageCosknows,ifhewereherepresenttobesworn.
Phi.Buthowdoththisdrawontheditty,sir?
Mer.0,sheistooquickwithhim;hehathnotdevisedthatyet.
Amo.Marry,somehourbeforeshedeparted,shebequeath'dtomethisglove:whichgoldenlegacy,theemperorhimselftookcaretosendafterme,insixcoaches,cover'dallwithblackvelvet,attendedbythestateofhisempire;allwhichhefreelypresentedmewith:andIreciprocally(outofthesamebounty)gavetothelordsthatbroughtit:onlyreservingthegiftofthedeceasedlady,uponwhichIcomposedthisode,andsetittomymostaffectedinstrument,thelyra.
Thoumorethanmostsweetglove,
Untomymoresweetlove,
Suffermetostorewithkisses
Thisemptylodging,thatnowmisses
Thepurerosyhand,thatwearthee,
Whiterthanthekidthatbarethee.
TJiouartsoft,butthatwassofter;
Cupid'sselfhathkiss'ditofter
Thane'erhedidhismother'sdoves.
Supposingherthequeenofloves,
Thatwasthymistress,BESTorGLOVES.
Mer.Blasphemy,blasphemy,Cupid!
Cup.I'llrevengeittimeenough,Hermes.
Phi.GoodAmorphus,let'shearitsung.
Amo.Icarenottoadmitthat,sinceitpleasethPhilautiatorequestit.
Hed.Here,sir.
.47710.Nay,playit,Iprayyou;youdowell,youdowell.—[Hesingsit.]—Howlikeyouit,sir?
Hed.Verywell,introth.
Amo.Butverywell!O,youareameremammothreptinjudgment,then.Why,doyounotobservehowexcellentlythedittyisaffectedineveryplace?thatIdonotmarryawordofshortquantitytoalongnote?noranascendingsyllabletoadescendingtone?Besides,uponthewordbestthere,youseehowIdoenterwithanoddminum,anddriveitthroughthebrief;whichnointelligentmusician,Iknow,butwillaffirmtobeveryrare,extraordinary,andpleasing.
Mer.Andyetnotfittolamentthedeathofalady,forallthis.
Cup.Tut,herebetheywillswallowanything.
Pha.Prayyou,letmehaveacopyofit,Amorphus.
Phi.Andmetoo;introth,Ilikeitexceedingly.
Amo.Ihavedeniedittoprinces;nevertheless,toyou,thetruefemaletwinsofperfection,Iamwontodepartwithal.
Hed.Ihope,IshallhavemyHonour'scopy.
Pha.YouareAmbitiousinthat,Hedon.
Re-enterANAIDES.
Amo.Hownow,Anaides!whatisithathconjuredupthisdis-temperatureinthecircleofyourface?
Ana.Why,whathaveyoutodo?Apoxuponyourfilthytravellingface!holdyourtongue.
Hed.Nay,dosthear,Mischief?
Ana.Away,musk-cat!
Amo.Isaytotheethouartrude,debauch'd,impudent,coarse,unpolish'd,afrapler,andbase.
Hed.Heartofmyfather,whatastrangealterationhashalfayear'shauntingofordinarieswroughtinthisfellow!thatcamewith
_itufftaffatajerkintotownbuttheotherday,andapairofpenny-lesshose,andnowheisturn'dHercules,hewantsbutaclub.
Ana.Sir,youwiththepencilonyourchin;Iwillgartermyhosewithyourguts,andthatshallbeall.[Exit.
Mey.'Slid,whatrarefireworksbehere?flash,flash.
Pha.What'sthematter,Hedon?canyoutell?
Hed.Nothing,butthathelackscrowns,andthinkswe'lllendhimsometobefriends.
Re-enterAsoxusandMORIA,withMORUS.
Aso.Come,sweetlady,ingoodtruthI'llhaveit,youshallnotdenyme.Morus,persuadeyourauntImayhaveherpicture,byanymeans.
"Morus.Yea,Sir:goodauntnow,lethimhaveit,hewillusemethebetter;ifyoulovemedo,goodaunt.
Mor.Well,tellhimheshallhaveit.
Morus.Master,youshallhaveit,shesays.
Aso.ShallI?thankher,goodpage.
Cup.What,hasheentertain'dthefool?
Mer.Ay,he'llwaitclose,youshallsee,thoughthebeggarhangoffawhile.
Morus.Aunt,mymasterthanksyou.
Mor.Callhimhither.
Moms.Yes;master.
Mor.Yes,inverity,andgavemethispurse,andhehaspromisedmeamostfinedog;whichhewillhavedrawnwithmypicture,hesays:anddesiresmostvehementlytobeknowntoyourladyships.
Pha.Callhimhither,'tisgoodgropingsuchagull.
Morus.MasterAsotus,masterAsotus!
Aso.Forlove'ssake,letmego:youseeIamcall'dtotheladies.
Arg.Wiltthouforsakeme,then?
Aso.Odsolwhatwouldyouhavemedo?
Mor.Comehither,masterAsotus.—Idoensureyourladyships,heisagentlemanofaveryworthydesert:andofamostbountifulnature.—Youmustshewandinsinuateyourselfresponsible,andequivalentnowtomycommendment.—Goodhonoursgracehim.
Aso.Iprotest,morethanmostfairladies,/dowishallvarietyofdivinepleasures,choicesports,sweetmusic,richfare,braveattire,softbeds,andsilkenthoughts,attendthesefairbeauties.Willitpleaseyourladyshiptowearthischainofpearl,andthisdiamond,formysake?
Arg.O!
Aso.Andyou,madam,thisjewelandpendants?
Arg.O!
Pha.Weknownothowtodeservethesebounties,outofsoslight
Pha.Andsoonaftertherevels,1willbestowagarteronyou.merit,Asotus.
Phi.No,infaith,butthere'smygloveforafavour.
Aso.Olord,ladies1itismoregracethaneverIcouldhavehoped,
butthatitpleasethyourladyshipstoextend.Iprotestitis
enough,thatyoubuttakeknowledgeofmyifyourladyships
wantembroider'dgowns,tiresofanyfashion,rebatues,jewels,oroarcanets,anythingwhatsoever,ifyouvouchsafetoaccept—
Cup.Andforittheywillhelpyoutoshoe-ties,anddevices.
Aso.Icannotuttermyself,dearbeauties,butyoucanconceive—
Arg.0!
Pha.Sir,wewillacknowledgeyourservice,doubtnot—henceforth,youshallbenomoreAsotustous,butourgoldfinch,andweyourcages.
Aso.OVenus!madams!howshallIdeservethis?ifIwerebutmadeacquaintedwithHedon,now,—I'lltry:prayyou,away.
[ToArgurion.
Mer.Howhepraysmoneytogoawayfromhim.
Aso.Amorphus,awordwithyou;here'sawatchIwouldbestowuponyou,prayyoumakemeknowntothatgallant.
Amo.ThatIwill,sir.—MonsieurHedon,Imustentreatyoutoexchangeknowledgewiththisgentleman.
Bed.'Tisathing,nexttothewater,weexpect,Ithirstafter,sir.GoodmonsieurAsotus.
Aso.GoodmonsieurHedon,Iwouldbegladtobelovedofmenofyourrankandspirit,Iprotest.Pleaseyoutoacceptthispairofbracelets,sir;theyarenotworththebestowing—
Mer.0Hercules,howthegentlemanpurchases,thismustneedsbringArguriontoaconsumption.
Hed.Sir,Ishallneverstandinthemeritofsuchbounty,Ifear.
Aso.OVenus,sir;youracquaintanceshallbesufficient.And,ifatanytimeyouneedmybill,ormybond—
Arg.O!O![Swoons.
Amo.Helptheladythere!
Mor.Gods-dear,Argurion!madam,howdoyou?
Arg.Sick.
Pha.Haveherforth,andgiveherair.
Aso.Icomeagainstraight,ladies.
[ExeuntAsotus,Morus,andArgurion.
Mer.Well,Idoubtallthephysichehaswillscarcerecoverher;she'stoofarspent.
Re-enterANAIDESwithGELAIA,PROSAITES,andCos,with
thebottles.
Phi.Ohere'sthewatercome;fetchglasses,page.
Gel.Heartofmybody,here'sacoil,indeed,withyourjealoushumours!nothingbutwhoreandbitch,andallthevillainousswaggeringnamesyoucanthinkon!'Slid,takeyourbottle,andputitinyourgutsforme,I'llseeyoupox'dereIfollowyouanylonger.
Ana.Nay,goodpunk,sweetrascal;dnme,ifIamjealous
now.
Gel.That'strue,indeed;praylet'sgo.
Mor.What'sthematterthere?
Gel.'Slight,hehasrneuponinterrogatories,(nay,raymothershallknowhowyouuseme,)whereIhavebeen?andwhyIshouldstaysolong,and,howis'tpossible?andwithalcallsmeathispleasureIknownothowmanycockatrices,andthings.
Mor.Intruthandsadness,thesearenogoodepitaphs,Anaides,tobestowuponanygentlewoman;andI'llensureyouifIhadknownyouwouldhavedealtthuswithmydaughter,sheshouldneverhavefanciedyousodeeplyasshehasdone.Goto.
Ana.Why,doyouhear,motherMoria?heart!
Mor.Nay,Iprayyou,sir,donotswear.
Ana.Swear!why?'sblood,Ihaveswornaforenow,Ihope.Bothyouandyourdaughtermistakeme.Ihavenothonour'dArete,thatisheldtheworthiestladyincourt,nexttoCynthia,withhalfthatobservanceandrespect,asIhavedoneherinprivate,howsoeveroutwardlyIhavecarriedmyselfcareless,andnegligent.Come,youareafoolishpunk,andknownotwhenyouarewellemployed.Kissme,comeon;doit,Isay.
Mor.Nay,indeed,Imustconfess,sheisapttomisprision.ButImusthaveyouleaveit,minion.
Re-enterASOTTJS.
Amo.Hownow,Asotus!howdoesthelady?
Aso.Faith,ill.Ihaveleftmypagewithher,atherlodging.
Hed.O,here'stherarestwaterthateverwastasted:tillhimsome.
Pro.What!hasmymasteranewpage?
Mer.Yes,akinsmanoftheladyMoria's:youmustwaitbetternow,oryouarecashiered,Prosaites.
Ana.Come,gallants,youmustpardonmyfoolishhumour;whenIamangry,thatanythingcrossesme,Igrowimpatientstraight.Here,Idrinktoyou.
Phi.0,thatwehadfiveorsixbottlesmoreofthisliquor!
Pha.NowIcommendyourjudgment,Amorphus:—[knockingwithin.]Who'sthatknocks?look,page.[ExitCos.
Mor.0,mostdelicious;alittleofthiswouldmakeArgurionwell.
Pha.O,no,givehernocolddrink,byanymeans.
Ana.'Sblood,thiswateristhespiritofwine,I'llbehang'delse.
Re-enterCoswithARETE.
Cos.Here'stheladyArete,madam.
Are.What,atyourbever,gallants?
Mor.Will'tpleaseyourladyshiptodrink?'tisoftheNewFountainwater.
Are.NotI,Moria,Ithankyou.—firvllants,youareforthisnightfreetoyourpeculiardelights;Cynthiawillhavenosports:whensheispleasedtocomeforth,youshallhaveknowledge.Inthemeantime,Icouldwishyoudidprovideforsolemnrevels,and
someunlockedfordeviceofwit,toentertainher,againstsheshouldvouchsafetograceyourpastimeswithherpresence.
Amo.Whatsayyoutoamasque?
Hed.Nothingbetter,iftheprojectwerenewandrare.
Are.Why,I'llsendforCrites,andhavehisadvice:beyoureadyinyourendeavours:heshalldischargeyouoftheinventivepart.
Pha.Butwillnotyourladyshipstay?
Are.Notnow,Phantaste.[Exit.
Phi.Lethergo,Iprayyou,goodladySobriety,Iamgladweareridofher.
Pha.Whatasetfacethegentlewomanhas,asshewerestillgoingtoasacrifice!
Phi.O,sheistheextractionofadozenofPuritans,foralook.
Mor.Ofallnymphsi'thecourt,Icannotawaywithher;'tisthecoarsestthing!
Phi.IwonderhowCynthiacanaffecthersoabovetherest.Herebetheyareeverywayasfairasshe,andathoughtfairer,Itrow.
Pha.Ay,andasingeniousandconceitedasshe.
Mor.Ay,andaspoliticasshe,forallshesetssuchaforeheadon't.
Phi.WouldIweredead,ifIwouldchangetobeCynthia.
Pha.OrI.
Mor.OrI.
Amo.Andthere'sherminion,Crites:whyhisadvicemorethanAmorphus?HavenotIinventionaforehim?learningtobetterthatinventionabovehim?andinfantedwithpleasanttravel—
Ana.Death,whattalkyouofhislearning?heunderstandsnomorethanaschoolboy;Ihaveputhimdownmyselfathousandtimes,bythisair,andyetInevertalk'dwithhimbuttwiceinmylife:youneversawhislike.Icouldnevergethimtoarguewithmebutonce;andthenbecauseIcouldnotconstrueanauthorIquotedatfirstsight,hewentaway,andlaughedatme.ByHercules,Iscornhim,asIdothesoddennymphthatwashereevennow,hismistress,Arete:andIlovemyselffornothingelse.
Hed.Iwonderthefellowdoesnothanghimself,beingthusscorn'dandcontemn'dofusthatareheldthemostaccomplish'dsocietyofgallants.
Mer.Byyourselves,noneelse.
Hed.Iprotest,ifIhadnomusicinme,nocourtship,thatIwerenotarevellerandcoulddance,orhadnotthoseexcellentqualitiesthatgiveamanlifeandperfection,butamerepoorscholarasheis,IthinkIshouldmakesomedesperatewaywithmyself;whereasnow,—wouldImightneverbreathemore,ifIdoknowthatcreatureinthiskingdomwithwhomIwouldchange.
Cup.Thisisexcellent!Well,Imustalterallthissoon.
Mer.Lookyoudo,Cupid.Thebottleshavewrought,itseems.
.450.0,Iamsorrytherevelsarecrost.Ishouldhavetickleditsoon.Ididneverappeartillthen.'Slid,Iamtheneatliest-made
gallanti'thecompany,andhavethebestpresence;andmy
dancingwell,IknowwhatourushersaidtomelasttimeI
wasattheschool:WouldImighthaveledPhilautiainthemeasures,anithadbeenthegods'will!Iammostworthy,Iamsure.
Re-enterMORUS.
Morus.Master,Icantellyounews;theladykissedmej^onder,andplayedwithme,andsaysshelovedyouonceaswellasshedoesme,butthatyoucastheroff.
Aso.Peace,mymostesteemedpage.
Morus.Yes.
Aso.Whatluckisthis,thatourrevelsaredash'd,nowwasIbeginningtoglisterintheveryhighwayofpreferment.AnCynthiahadbutseenmedanceastrain,ordobutonetrick,Ihadbeenkeptincourt,Ishouldneverhaveneededtolooktowardsmyfriendsagain.
Amo.Containyourself,youwereafortunateyoungman,ifyouknewyourowngood;whichIhavenowprojected,andwillpresentlymultiplyuponyou.Beautiesandvalours,yourvouchsafedapplausetoamotion.ThehumorousCynthiahath,forthisnight,withdrawnthelightofyourdelight.
Pha.'Tistrue,Amorphus;whatmaywedotoredeemit?
Amo.Redeemthatwecannot,buttocreateanewflameisinourpower.Hereisagentleman,myscholar,whom,forsomeprivatereasonsmespeciallymoving,Iamcovetoustogratifywithtitleofmasterinthenobleandsubtilescienceofcourtship:forwhichgrace,heshallthisnight,incourt,andinthelonggallery,holdhispublicact,byopenchallenge,toallmastersofthemysterywhatsoever,toplayatthefourchoiceandprincipalweaponsthereof,viz.,theBareAccost,theBetterRegard,theSolemnAddress,andthePerfectClose.Whatsayyou?
All.Excellent,excellent,Amorphus.
Amo.Well,letusthentakeourtimebytheforehead:Iwillinstantlyhavebillsdrawn,andadvancedineveryangleofthecourt.—Sir,betraynotyourtoomuchjoy.—Anaides,wemustmixthisgentlemanwithyouinacquaintance,monsieurAsotus.
Ana.Iameasilyentreatedtograceanyofyourfriends,Amorphus.
Aso.Sir,andhisfriendsshalllikewisegraceyou,sir.Nay,Ibegintoknowmyselfnow.
Amo.O,youmustcontinueyourbounties.
Aso.MustI?Why,I'llgivehimthisrubyonmyfinger.Doyouhear,sir?Idoheartilywishyouracquaintance,andIpartlyknowmyselfworthyofit;pleaseyou,sir,toacceptthispoorrul>vinaring,sir.Thepoesyisofmyowndevice,Letthisblushforme,sir.
Ana.Soitmustformetoo,forIamnotashnm'dtotakeit.
Morus.Sweetman!Bymytroth,master,Iloveyou;willyoulovemetoo,formyaunt'ssake?I'llwaitwell,youshallsee.I'll
stillbehere.WouldImightneverstir,butyouareafinemanintheseclothes;master,shallIhavethemwhenyouhavedonewiththem?
Aso.Asforthat,Morus,thoushaltseemorehereafter;inthemeantime,bythisair,orbythisfeather,I'lldoasmuchforthee,asanygallantshalldoforhispage,whatsoever,inthiscourt,corneroftheworld,orkingdom.[ExeuntallbutthePages.
Mer.Iwonderthisgentlemanshouldaffecttokeepafool:methinkshemakessportenoughwithhimself.
Cup.Well,Prosaites,'tweregoodyoudidwaitcloser.
Pro.Ay,I'lllooktoit;'tistime.
Cos.Therevelswouldhavebeenmostsumptuousto-night,iftheyhadgoneforward.[Exit.
Mer.Theymustneeds,whenallthechoicestsingularitiesofthecourtwereupinpantofles;ne'eraoneofthembutwasabletomakeawholeshowofitself.
Aso.[within.]Sirrah,atorch,atorch!
Pro.O,whatacallisthere!Iwillhaveacanzonetmade,withnothinginitbutsirrah;andtheburthenshallbe,Icome.[Exit.
Mer.Hownow,Cupid,howdoyoulikethischange?
Cup.Faith,thethreadofmydeviceiscrack'd,Imaygosleeptilltherevellingmusicawakeme.
Mer.Andthen,too,Cupid,withoutyouhadpreventedthefountain.Alas,poorgod,thatremembersnotself-lovetobeproofagainsttheviolenceofhisquiver!Well,Ihaveaplotagainsttheseprizers,forwhichImustpresentlyfindoutCrites,andwithhisassistancepursueittoahighstrainoflaughter,orMercuryhathlostofhismetal.[Exeunt.
ACTV
SCENEI.—Thesame.EnterMERCURYandCRITES.
Mer.Itisresolvedon,Crites,youmustdoit.
Cri.ThegracedivinestMercuryhathdoneme,Inthisvouchsafeddiscoveryofhimself,BindsmyobservanceintheutmosttermOfsatisfactiontohisgodlywill:ThoughIprofess,withouttheaffectationOfanenforcedandform'dausterity,IcouldbewillingtoenjoynoplaceWithsounequalnatures.
Mer.Webelieveit.
Butforoursake,andtoinflictjustpainsOntheirprodigiousfollies,aidusnow:Nomanispresentlymadebadwithill.Andgoodmen,likethesea,shouldstillmaintain
Theirnobletaste,inmidstofallfreshhumoursThatflowaboutthem,tocorrupttheirstreams,Bearingnoseason,muchlesssaltofgoodness.Itisourpurpose,Crites,tocorrect,Andpunish,withourlaughter,thisnight'ssport,Whichourcourt-dorssoheartilyintend:
«/
Andbythatworthyscorn,tomakethemknow
Howfarbeneaththedignityofman
Theirseriousandmostpractisedactionsare.
Cri.Ay,butthoughMercurycanwarrantoutHisundertakings,andmakeallthingsgood,Outofthepowersofhisdivinity,Th'offencewillbereturn'dwithweightonme,Thatamacreaturesodespisedandpoor;WhenthewholecourtshalltakeitselfabusedByourironicalconfederacy.
Mer.Youaredeceived.Thebetterraceincourt,Thathavethetruenobilitycall'dvirtue,Willapprehendit,asagratefulrightDonetotheirseparatemerit;andapproveThefitrebukeofsoridiculousheads,Who,withtheirapishcustomsandforcedgarbs,Wouldbringthenameofcourtierincontempt,Diditnotliveunblemish'dinsomefew,WhomequalJovehathloved,andPhoebusform'dOfbettermetal,andinbettermould.
Cri.Well,sincemyleader-onisMercury,Ishallnotfeartofollow.IfIfall,Mypropervirtueshallbemyrelief,Thatfollow'dsuchacause,andsuchachief.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterAsoxusandAMORPHTTS.
Aso.Nomore,ifyouloveme,goodmaster;youareincompatibletolivewithal:sendmefortheladied!
Amo.Nay,butintendme.
Aso.Fearmenot;Iwarrantyou,sir.
Amo.Rendernotyourselfarefractoryonthesudden.Icanallow,well,youshouldreputehighly,heartily,andtothemost,ofyourownendowments;itgivesyouforthtotheworldthemoreassured:butwithreservationofaneye,tobealwaysturn'ddutifullybackuponyourteacher.
Aso.Nay,goodsir,leaveittome.Trustmewithtrussingallthepointsofthisaction,Ipray.'Slid,Ihopeweshalliindwittoperformthescienceaswellasanother.
Amo.Iconfessyoutobeofanaptflanddoriblehumour.Yettherearecertainpunctilios,or(asImaymorenakedlyinsinuatethem)certainintrinsecatestrokesandwards,towhichyouractivity
isnotyetamounted,asyourgentledorincolours.Forsupposition,yourmistressappearshereinprize,ribandedwithgreenandyellow;now,itisthepartofeveryobsequiousservant,tobesuretohavedailyabouthimcopyandvarietyofcolours,tobepresentlyanswerabletoanyhourlyorhalf-hourlychangeinhismistress'srevolution—
Aso.Iknowit,sir.
Amo.Giveleave,Iprayyou—wnich,ifyourantagonist,orplayeragainstyou,shallignorantlybewithout,andyourselfcanproduce,yougivehimthedor.
Aso.Ay,ay,sir.
Amo.Or,ifyoucanpossessyouropposite,thatthegreenyourmistresswears,isherrejoicingorexultationinhisservice;theyellow,suspicionofhistruth,fromherheightofaffection:andthathe,greenlycredulous,shallwithdrawthus,inprivate,andfromtheabundanceofhispocket(todisplaceherjealousconceit)stealintohishatthecolour,whosebluenessdothexpresstrueness,shebeingnotso,norsoaffected;yougivehimthedor.
Aso.DonotIknowit,sir?
Amo.Nay,rgoodswellnotaboveyourunderstanding.There
isyetathirddorincolours.
Aso.Iknowittoo,Iknowit.
Amo.Doyouknowittoo?whatisit?makegoodyourknowledge.
Aso.Whyitisnomatterforthat.
Amo.Doit,onpainofthedor.
Aso.Why;whatis't,sayyou?
Amo.Lo,youhavegivenyourselfthedor.ButIwillremonstratetoyouthethirddor,whichisnot,asthetwoformerdors,indicative,butdeliberative:ashow?asthus.Yourrivalis,withadutifulandseriouscare,lyinginhisbed,meditatinghowtoobservehismistress,dispatchethhislacqueytothechamberearly,toknowwhathercoloursarefortheday,withpurposetoapplyhiswearthatdayaccordingly:youlaywaitbefore,preoccupythechambermaid,corrupthertoreturnfalsecolours;hefollowsthefallacy,comesoutaccoutredtohisbelievedinstructions;yourmistresssmiles,andyougivehimthedor.
Aso.Why,soItoldyou,sir,Iknewit.
Amo.Toldme!Itisastrangeoutrecuidance,yourhumourtoomuchredoimdeth.
Aso.Why,sir,what,doyouthinkyouknowmore?
Amo.Iknowthatacookmayassoonandproperlybesaidtosmellwell,asyoutobewise.Iknowthesearemostclearandcleanstrokes.Butthen,youhaveyourpassagesandimbrocatasincourtship;asthebitterbobinwit;thereverseinfaceorwry-mouth;andthesemoresubtileandsecureoffenders.Iwillexampleuntoyou:Youropponentmakesentryasyouareengagedwithyourmistress.Youseeinghim,closeinherearwiththiswhisper,Herecomesyourbaboon,disgracehim;andwithalstepping
off,fallonhisbosom,andturningtoher,politicly,aloudsay,Lady,regardthisnoblegentleman,amanrarelyparted,secondtononeinthiscourt;andthen,stoopingoverhisshoulder,yourhandonhisbreast,yourmouthonhisbackside,yougivehimthereversestroke,withthissanna,orstork's-bill,whichmakesupyourwit'sbobmostbitter.
Aso.Nay,forheaven'ssake,teachmenomore.Iknowallas
well'Slid,ifIdidnot,whywasInominated?whydidyouchoose
me?whydidtheladiesprickoutme?Iamsuretherewereothergallants.Butmeofalltherest!Bythatlight,and,asIamacourtier,wouldImightneverstir,but'tisstrange.Wouldtothelordtheladieswouldcomeonce!
EnterMORPHIDES.
Morp.Signior,thegallantsandladiesareathand.Areyouready,sir?
Amo.Instantly.Go,accomplishyourattire:[ExitAsotus.]CousinMorphides,assistmetomakegoodthedoorwithyourofficioustyranny.
Citizen,[within.']Byyourleave,mymastersthere,prayyoulet'scomeby.
Pages,[within.]Youby!whyshouldyoucomebymorethanwe?
Citizen'sWife,[within.]Why,sir!becauseheismybrotherthatplaystheprizes.
Morp.Yourbrother!
Citizen,[within.']Ay,herbrother,sir,andwemustcomein.
Tailor,[within.'}Why,whatareyou?
Citizen,[within.]Iamherhusband,sir.
Tailor,[within.']Thenthrustforwardyourhead.
Amo.Whattumultisthere?
Morp.Who'sthere?bearbackthere!Standfromthedoor!
Amo.Enternonebuttheladiesandtheirhang-byes.—
EnterPHANTASTE,PHILAUTIA,ARGTJRION,MORIA,HEDON,
andANAIDES,introducingtwoLadies.Welcomebeauties,andyourkindshadows.
Hed.Thiscountrylady,myfriend,goodsigniorAmorphus.Ana.Andmycockatricehere.Amo.Sheiswelcome.
TheCitizen,andhisWife,Pages,etc.,appearatthedoor.
Morp.Knockthosesamepagesthere;and,gooduiancoxcombthecitizen,whowouldyouspeakwithal'.'
Wife.-Mybrother.
Amo.Withwhom?yourbrother!
Morp.Whoisyourbrother?
Wife.MasterAsotus.
Amo.MasterAsotus!isheyourlirolhor?heistakenupwithgreatpersons;heisnottoknowyouto-night.
Re-enterASOTUShastily.
Aso.0Jove,master!antherecomee'eracitizengentlewomaninmyname,letherhaveentrance,Iprayyou:itismysister.Wife.Brother!
Cit.[thrustingin.]Brother,masterAsotus!Aso.Who'sthere?Wife.'TisI,brother.
Aso.Godsme,theresheis!goodmaster,intrudeher.Morp.Makeplace!bearbackthere!
EnterCitizen'sWife.
Amo.Knockthatsimplefellowthere.
Wife.Nay,goodsir,itismyhusband.
Morp.Thesimplerfellowhe.—Away!backwithyourhead,sir!
[PushestheCitizenback.
Aso.Brother,youmustpardonyournon-entry:husbandsarenotallow'dhere,intruth.I'llcomehomesoonwithmysister;prayyoumeetuswithalantern,brother.Bemerry,sister;I
shallmakeyoulaughanon.[Exit.
Pha.Yourprizerisnotready,Amorphus.
Amo.Apprehendyourplaces;heshallbesoon,andatallpoints.
Ana.Isthereanybodycometoanswerhim?shallwehaveanysport?
Amo.Sportofimportance;howsoever,givemethegloves.
Hed.Gloves!whygloves,signior?
Phi.What'stheceremony?
Amo.[distributinggloves.]Besidetheirreceivedfitness,atallprizes,theyarehereproperlyaccommodatetothenuptialsofmyscholar's'haviourtotheladyCourtship.Pleaseyouapparelyourhands.MadamPhantaste,madamPhilautia,guardian,signiorHedon,signiorAnaides,gentlemenall,ladies.
All.Thanks,goodAmorphus.
Amo.Iwillnowcallforthmyprovost,andpresenthim.[Exit.
Ana.Heart!whyshouldnot.webemastersaswellashe?
Hed.That'strue,andplayourmasters'prizesaswellasthet'other?
Mor.Insadness,forusingyourcourt-weapons,methinksyoumay.
Pha.Nay,butwhyshouldnotweladiesplayourprizes,Ipray?Iseenoreasonbutweshouldtakethemdownattheirownweapons.
Phi.Troth,andsowemay,ifwehandlethemwell.
Wife.Ay,indeed,forsooth,madam,if'twereinthecity,wewouldthinkfoulscornbutwewould,forsooth.
Pha.Prayyou,whatshouldwecallyourname?
Wife.MynameisDownfall.
Hed.GoodmistressDownfall!Iamsorryyourhusbandcouldnotgetin.
Wife.'Tisnomatterforhim,sir.
Ana.No,no,shehasthemorelibertyforherself.[.4flourish.Pha.Peace,peace!theycome.
Re-enterAMORPHUS,introducingASOTUSinafull-dresssuit.
Amo.So,keepupyourruff;thetinctureofyourneckisnotallsopure,butitwillaskit.
Maintainyoursprigupright;yourclokeonyourhalf-shoulderfalling;so:Iwillreadyourbill,advanceit,andpresentyou.—Silence!
Beitknowntoallthatprofesscourtship,bythesepresents(fromthewhite,satinreveller,totheclothoftissueandbodkin)thatwe,Ulysses-Polytropus-Amorphus,masterofthenobleandsubtilescienceofcourtship,dogiveleaveandlicencetoourprovost,Acolastus-Polypragmon-Asotus,toplayhismaster'sprize,againstallmasterswhatsoever,inthissubtilemystery,atthesefour,thechoiceandmostcunningweaponsofcourt-compliment,viz.theBAREACCOST;theBETTERREGARD;theSOLEMNADDRESS;andthePERFECTCLOSE.Thesearethereforetogivenoticetoallcomers,thathe,thesaidAcolastus-Polypragmon-Asotus,isherepresent(bythehelpofhismercer,tailor,milliner,sempster,andsoforth)athisdesignedhour,inthisfairgallery,thepresentdayofthispresentmonth,toperformanddohisuttermostfortheachievementandbearingawayoftheprizes,whicharethese:viz.FortheBareAccost,twowall-eyesinafaceforced:fortheBetterRegard,afacefavourablysimpering,withafanwaving:fortheSolemnAddress,twolipswagging,andneverawiseword:forthePerfectClose,awringbythehand,withabanquetinacorner.AndPhoebussaveCynthiaI
Appearethnomanyet,toanswertheprizer?novoice?—Music,givethemtheirsummons.[Music.
Pha.Thesolemnityofthisisexcellent.
Amo.Silence!Well,Iperceiveyournameistheirterror,andkeepeththemback.
Aso.I'faith,master,let'sgo;nobodycomes.Victus,victa,victum;victi,victce,victilet'sberetrograde.
Amo.Stay.Thatweredispuncttotheladies.Ratherourselfshallbeyourencounter.Takeyourstateuptothewall;and,lady,[leadingMoriatothestate.]mayweimploreyoutostandforth,asfirsttermorboundtoourcourtship.
Hed.'Foreheaven,'twillshewrarely.
Amo.Soundacharge.[Acharge.
Ana.Apoxon't!Yourvulgarwillcountthisfabulousandimpudentnow:bythatcandle,they'llneverconceitit.
[TheyacttheirAccostseverallytoMoria.
Pha.Excellentwell!admirable!
Phi.Peace!
Hed.Mostfashionably,bflicv*-it.
Phi.0,heisawell-spokengentleman.
Pha.\o\\-theother.
Phi.Verygood.
Hed.Forascholar,Honour.
Ana.O,'tistooDutch.Hereelstoomuch.[Aflourish.
Hed.Thisweaponisdone.
Amo.No,wehaveourtwoboutsateveryweapon;expect.Cri.[ivithin.]Wherebethesegallants,andtheirbraveprizeihere?
Morp.Who'sthere?bearback;keepthedoor.
EnterCRITES,introducingMERCURYfantasticallydressed.
Amo.Whatareyou,sir?
Cri.Byyourlicense,grand-master.—Comeforward,sir.
[ToMercury.
Ana.Heart!wholetinthatragthereamongstus?Puthimout,animpecuniouscreature.
Hed.Outwithhim.
Morp.Come,sir.
Amo.Youmustberetrograde.
Cri.Soft,sir,Iamtruchman,anddoflourishbeforethismonsieur,orFrench-behavedgentleman,here;whoisdrawnhitherbyreportofyourchartels,advancedincourt,toprovehisfortunewithyourprizer,sohemayhavefairplayshewnhim,andthelibertytochoosehisstickler.
Amo.Isheamaster?
Cri.That,sir,hehastoshewhere;andconfirmedunderthehandsofthemostskilfulandcunningco-mplimentariesalive:Pleaseyouread,sir.{Giveshimacertificate.
Amo.Whatshallwedo?
Ana.Death!disgracethisfellowintheblackstuff,whateveryoudo.
Amo.Why,buthecomeswiththestranger.
Hed.That'snomatter:heisourowncountryman.
Ana.Ay,andheisascholarbesides.Youmaydisgracehimherewithauthority.
Amo.Well,seethesefirst.
Aso.NowshallIbeobservedbyyonscholar,tillIsweatagain;IwouldtoJoveitwereover.
Cri.[toMercury.}Sir,thisisthewightofworth,thatdaresyoutotheencounter.Agentlemanofsopleasingandridiculousacarriage;as,evenstanding,carriesmeatinthemouth,yousee;and,Iassureyou,althoughnobredcourtling,yetamostparticularman,ofgoodlyhavings,well-fashion'd'haviour,andofashardenedandexcellentabarkasthemostnaturallyqualifiedamongstthem,inform'd,reform'd,andtransform'd,fromhisoriginalcitycism;bythiselixir,ormeremagazineofman.And,foryourspectators,youbeholdthemwhattheyare:themostchoiceparticularsincourt:thistellstaleswell;thisprovidescoaches;thisrepeatsjests;thispresentsgifts;thisholdsupthearras;thistakesdownfromhorse;thisprotestsbythislight;thisswearsbythatcandle;thisdelighteth;thisadoreth:yetallbutthreemen.Then,for
yourladies,themostproud,wittycreatures,allthingsapprehending,nothingunderstanding,perpetuallylaughing,curiousmaintainersoffools,mercers,andminstrels,costlytobekept,miserablykeeping,alldisdainingbuttheirpainterandapothecary,'twixtwhomandthemthereisthisreciprockcommerce,theirbeautiesmaintaintheirpainters,andtheirpainterstheirbeauties.
Mer.Sir,youhaveplaidthepainteryourself,andlimn'dthemtothelife.Idesiretodeservebeforethem.
Amo.[returningthecertificate.']Thisisauthentic.Wemustresolvetoentertainthemonsieur,howsoeverweneglecthim.
Hed.Come,let'sallgotogether,andsalutehim.
Ana.Content,andnotlookontheother.
Amo.Welldevised;andamostpunishingdisgrace.
Hed.On.
Amo.Monsieur,wemustnotsomuchbetrayourselvestodis-courtship,astosufferyoutobelongerunsaluted:pleaseyoutousethestateordain'dfortheopponent;inwhichnature,withoutenvy,wereceiveyou.
Hed.Andembraceyou.
Ana.Andcommendustoyou,sir.
Phi.Believeit,heisamanofexcellentsilence.
Pha.Hekeepsallhiswitforaction.
Ana.Thishathdiscountenancedourscholaris,mostrichly.
Hed.Outofallemphasis.Themonsieurseesweregardhimnot.
Amo.Holdon;makeitknownhowbitterathingitisnottobelook'donincourt.
Hed.'Slud,willhecallhimtohimyet!Doesnotmonsieurperceiveourdisgrace?
Ana.Heart!heisafool,Isee.Wehavedoneourselveswrongtogracehim.
Hed.'Slight,whatanasswasItoembracehim!
Cri.Illustriousandfearfuljudges—
Hed.Turnaway,turnaway.
Cri.Itisthesuitofthestrangeopponent(towhomyououghtnottoturnyourtails,andwhosenosesImustfollow)thathemayhavethejustice,beforeheencounterhisrespectedadversary,toseesomelightstrokeofhisplay,commencedwithsomeother.
Hed.Answernothim,butthestranger;wewillnotbelievehim.
Amo.Iwilldemandhim,myself.
Cri.Odreadfuldisgrace,ifamanweresofoolishtofeelit.
Amo.Isityoursuit,monsieur,toseesomepreludeofmyscholar?Now,surethemonsieurwantslanguage—
Hed.Andtakeuponhimtobeoneoftheaccomplished!'Slight,that'sagoodjest;wouldwecouldtakehimwiththatnullity.—Nonsapetevoiparlar*Italian<>*
Ana.'Sfoot,thecarphasnotongue.
Cri.Signior,incourtship,youaretobidyourabettorsforbear,andsatisfythemonsieur'srequest.
Amo.Well,Iwillstrikehimmoresilentwithadmiration,andterrifyhisdaringhither.Heshallbeholdmyownplaywithmyscholar.Lady,withthetouchofyourwhitehand,letmereinstateyou.[LeadsMoriabacktothestate.]Provost,[toAsotus.]begintomeattheBareAccost.[Acharge.]Now,forthehonourofmydiscipline.
Bed.SigniorAmorphus,reflect,reflect;whatmeanshebythatmouthedwave?
Cri.Heisinsomedistasteofyourfellowdisciple.
Mer.Signior,yourscholarmighthaveplayedwellstill,ifhecouldhavekepthisseatlonger;Ihaveenoughofhim,now.Heisamerepieceofglass,Iseethroughhimbythistime.
Amo.Youcomenottogiveusthescorn,monsieur?
Mer.Nortobefrightedwithaface,signior.Ihaveseenthelions.Youmustpardonme.Ishallbelothtohazardareputationwithonethathasnotareputationtolose.
Amo.How!
Cri.Meaningyourpupil,sir.
Ana.Thisisthatblackdevilthere.
Amo.Youdoofferastrangeaffront,monsieur.
Cri.Sir,heshallyieldyouallthehonourofacompetentadversary,ifyoupleasetoundertakehim.
Mer.Iamprestfortheencounter.
Amo.Me!challengeme!
Aso.What,mymaster,sir!'Slight,monsieur,meddlewithme,doyouhear:butdonotmeddlewithmymaster.
Mer.Peace,goodsquib,goout.
Cri.Andstink,hebidsyou.
Aso.Master!
Amo.Silence!Idoaccepthim.Sityoudownandobserve.Me!heneverprofestathingatmorecharges.—Prepareyourself,sir.—Challengeme!Iwillprosecutewhatdisgracemyhatredcandictatetome.
Cri.Howtenderatraveller'sspleenis!Comparisontomenthatdeserveleast,isevermostoffensive.
Amo.Youareinstructedinourchartel,andknowourweapons?
Mer.Iappearnotwithouttheirnotice,sir.
Aso.ButmustIlosetheprizes,master?
Amo.Iwillwinthemforyou;bepatient.—Lady,[toMoria.]vouchsafethetenureofthisensign.—Whoshallbeyourstickler?
Mer.Beholdhim.[PointstoCrites.
Amo.Iwouldnotwishyouaweaker.—Sound,musics.—1provokeyouattheBareAccost.[Actiarge.
Pha.Excellentcomely!
Cri.Andworthilystudied.Thisistheexaltedforetop.
Bed.0,hislegwastoomuchproduced.
Ana.Andhishatwascarriedscurvily.
Phi.Peace;let'sseethemonsieur'sAccost:Rare!
Pha.Sprightlyandshort.
Ana.True,itistheFrenchcourteau:helacksbuttohavehisnoseslit.
Bed.Hedoeshop.Hedoesboundtoomuch.[Aflourish.
Amo.Thesecondbout,toconcludethisweapon.[Acharge.
Pha.Good,believeit!
Phi.Anexcellentoffer!
Cri.Thisiscalledthesolemnband-string.
Hed.Foh,thatcringewasnotputhome.
Ana.Hemakesafacelikeastabb'dLucrece.
Aso.Well,hewouldneedstakeituponhim,butwonIdIhaddoneitforallthis.Hemakesmesitstillhere,LikeababoonasIam.
Cri.Makingvillainousfaces.
Phi.See,theFrenchpreparesitrichly.
Cri.Ay,thisisyclepedtheSeriousTrifle.
Ana.'Slud,'tisthehorse-startouto'thebrownstudy.
Cri.Ratherthebird-eyedstroke,sir.Yourobservanceistooblunt,sir.[Aflourish.
Amo.Judges,awardtheprize.Takebreath,sir.Thisbouthathbeenlaborious.
Aso.Andyetyourcritic,oryourbesogno,willthinkthesethingsfoppery,andeasy,now!
Cri.Orrathermerelunacy.Forwouldanyreasonablecreaturemakethesehisseriousstudiesandperfections,muchless,onlylivetotheseends?tobethefalsepleasureofafew,thetrueloveofnone,andthejustlaughterofall?
Hed.Wemustpreferthemonsieur,wecourtiersmustbepartial.
Ana.Speak,guardian.Nametheprize,attheBareAccost.
Mor.Apairofwall-eyesinafaceforced.
Ana.Givethemonsieur.Amorphushathlosthiseyes.
Amo.IIIsthepalateofyourjudgmentdown?Gentles,Idoappeal.
Aso.Yes,master,tome:thejudgesbefools.
Ana.Hownow,sirltieupyourtongue,mungrel.Hecannotappeal.
Aso.Say,yousir?
Ana.Sityoustill,sir.
Aso.Why,soIdo;donotI,Iprayyou?
Mer.Remercie,madame,andthesehonourablecensors.
Amo.Well,tothesecondweapon,theBetterRegard.Iwillencounteryoubetter.Attempt.
Hed.SweetHonour.
Phi.WhatsaysmygoodAmbition?
Hed.Whichtakeyouatthisnextweapon?IlayaDiscretionwithyouonAmorphus'shead.
Phi.Why,ItaketheFrench-behavedgentleman.
Hed.'Tisdone,aDiscretion.
Cri.ADiscretion!Aprettycourt-wager1Wouldanydiscreetpersonhazardhiswitso?
jj
Pha.I'lllayaDiscretionwithyou,Anaides.
Ana.Hang'em,I'llnotventureadoitofDiscretiononeitheroftheirheads.
Cri.Xo,heshouldventureallthen.
Ana.Ilikenoneoftheirplays.[Acharge.
B-:d.See,see!thisisstrangeplay!
Ana.Tistoofullofuncertainmotion.Hehobblestoomuch.
Cri.'Tiscall'dyourcourt-staggers,sir.
Bed.Thatsamefellowtalkssonowhehasaplace!
Ana.Hanghim!neglecthim.
Mer.Yourgoodladyship'saffectioned.
Wife.Odsso!theyspeakatthisweapon,brother.
Aso.Theymustdoso,sister;howshoulditbetheBetterRegard,else?
Pha.Methinkshedidnotthisrespectivelyenough.
Phi.Why,themonsieurbutdallieswithhim.
Bed.Dallies!'Slight,see!he'llputhimto'tinearnest.—Welldone,Amorphus!
Ana.Thatpuffwasgoodindeed,
Cri.Odsme!thisisdesperateplay:hehitshimselfo'theshins.
Red.Anhemakethisgoodthrough,hecarriesit,Iwarranthim.
Cri.Indeedhedisplayshisfeetrarely.
Bed.See,see!hedoestherespectiveleerdamnablywell.
Amo.Thetrueidolaterofyourbeautiesshallneverpasstheirdeitiesunadored:/restyourpoorknight.
Bed.See,nowtheobliqueleer,ortheJanus:hesatisfiesallwiththataspectmostnobly.[Aflourish.
Cri.Andmostterriblyhecomesoff;likeyourrodomontade.
Pha.Howlikeyouthisplay,Anaides?
Ana.Goodplay;but'tistooroughandboisterous.
Amo.Iwillseconditwithastrokeeasier,whereinIwillprovehislanguage.[Acharge.
Ana.Thisisfilthy,andgrave,now.
Bed.O,'tiscoolandwaryplay.Wemustnotdisgraceourowncameradetoomuch.
Amo.Signora,hotantoobligoperlefavoreresciutodalei;chereramentede-siderocontuttoilcore,aremunerarlainparte:esicura-tive,signorameacara,chetoserasempreprontoaservirla,eJionorarla.Ba.sciohmanedero1signoria.
Cri.TheVenetiandopthis.
Pha.Mostunexpectedlyexcellent!TheFrenchgoesdowncertain.
Aso.Asbucketsareputdownintoawell;Orasaschool-boy—
Cri.Trussupyoursimile,jack-daw,andobserve.
Bed.Xowthemonsieurismoved.
Ana.Bo-peep!
Bed.0,mostantick.
Cri.TheFrenchquirk,thissir.
Ana.Heart,hewillover-ranher.
Mer.Madvmoyselle,Jevoudroyquepouroymongerrr.onaffection,
maisjesui-stantmalheureuse,cifroid,cilayd,ciJenescay
quidedireexcusemoi,Jesui-stouti:o-:tre.-flouri^a.
Phi.0braveandspirited!he'sarightJovial:--.
Pha.No,no:Amorphus'sgravityoutweighsit.
Cri.Andyetvourlady,oryourfeather,wouldoutweighboth.
Ana.What'stheprize,lady,atthisBetterRegard?
Mor.Afacefavourablysimpering,andafanwaving.
Ana.Theyhavedonedoubtfully.Divide.Givethefavourablefacetothesignior,andthelightwavetothemonsieur.
Amo.Youbecomethesimperwell,lady.
Mer.Andthewagbetter.
Amo.Xow,toourSolemnAddress.Pleasethewell-gracedPhilautiatorelievetheladysentinel;shehathstoodlong.
Phi.Withallmyheart;come,guardian,resignyourplace.
[Mariacome-?fromthestate.
Amo.Monsieur,furnishyourselfwithwhatsolemnityofornamentyouthinkfitforthisthirdweapon;atwhichyouaretoshewallthecunningofstrokeyourdevotioncanpossiblydevise.
Mer.Letmealone,sir.I'llsufficientlydecipheryouramoroussolemnities.—Crites,havepatience.See,ifIhitnotalltheirpracticobservance,withwhichtheylimetwigstocatchtheirfantasticlady-birds.
Cri.Ay,butyoushoulddomorecharitablytodoitmoreopenly,thattheymightdiscoverthemselvesmock'dinthesemonstrousaffections.[Acharge.
Mer.Lackey,where'sthetailor?
EnterTailor,Barber,Perfumer,Milliner,Jeweller,a
Feather-maker.
Tai.Here,sir.
H<:d.See.theyhavetheirtailor,barber,perfumer,milliner,jeweller,feather-maker,allincommon!
[Theymakethemselvesreadyonthestage.
Ana.Ay.thisispretty.
Amo.Hereisahairtoomuch,takeitoff.Wherearethymullets?
Mer.Isthispinkofequalproportiontothiscut,standingoffthisdistancefromit?
Tai.Thatitis.sir.
Mer.Isitso,sir?Youimpudentpoltroon,youslave,you!youshreds,you—[BeatstheTa
//•'/.Excellent!Thiswasthebestyet.
Ana.Why,wemustuseourtailorsthus:thisisourtruemagnanimity.
Mtr.Come,goto,puton;wemustbearwithyouk<rthetinBake.
Amo.Istheperfumerichinthisjerkin?
Per.Taste,smell;Iassureyou,sir,purebenjamin,theonlyspiritedscentthateverawakedaNeapolitannostril.Youwouldwishyourselfallnosefortheloveon't.Ifrottedajerkinforanew-revenuedgentlemanyieldedmethree-scorecrownsbutthismorning,andthesametitillation.
Amo.Isavournosampsuchineinit.
Per.IamaNulli-fidian,iftherebenotthree-thirdsofascruplemoreofsampsuchinuminthisconfection,thaneverIputinany.I'lltellyoualltheingredients,sir.
Amo.Youshallbesimpletodiscoveryoursimples.
Per.Simple!why,sir?WhatreckItowhomIdiscover?Ihaveinitmusk,civet,amber,Phcenicobalanus,thedecoctionofturmerick,sesana,nard,spikenard,calamusodoratus,stacte,opobalsamum,amomum,storax,ladanum,aspalathum,opoponax,oenanthe.And
whatofallthesenow?whatareyouthebetter?Tut,itisthesorting,andthedividing,andthemixing,andthetempering,andthesearching,andthedecocting,thatmakesthefumigationandthesuffumigation.
Amo.Well,induemewithit.
Per.Iwill,sir.
Hed.Anexcellentconfection.
Cri.Andmostworthyatruevoluptuary,Jove!whatacoilthesemusk-wormstaketopurchaseanother'sdelight?forthemselves,whobeartheodours,haveevertheleastsenseofthem.YetIdolikebettertheprodigalityofjewelsandclothes,whereofonepassethtoaman'sheirs;theotheratleastwearsouttime.Thispresentlyexpires,and,withoutcontinualriotinreparation,islost:whichwhosostrivestokeep,itisonespecialargumenttome,that,affectingtosmellbetterthanothermen,hedothindeedsmellfarworse.
Mer.Iknowyouwillsay,itsitswell,sir.
Tai.Goodfaith,ifitdonot,sir,letyourmistressbejudge.
Mer.Byheaven,ifmymistressdonotlikeit,I'llmakenomoreconsciencetoundothee,thantoundoanoyster.
Tai.Believeit,there'sne'eramistressintheworldcanmislikeit.
Mer.No,notgoodwifetailor,yourmistress;thathasonlythejudgmenttoheatyourpressing-tool.Butforacourt-mistressthatstudiesthesedecorums,andknowstheproportionofeverycutto0hair,knowswhysuchacolouriscutuponsuchacolour,andwhenasatiniscutuponsixtaffataes,willlookthatweshoulddiveintothe
depthofthecutGivememyscarf.Shewsomeribands,sirrah.
Haveyouthefeather?
Feat.Ay,sir.
Mer.Haveyouthejewel?j
Jew.Yes,sir.
Mer.WhatmustIgiveforthehireon't?
Jew.Youshallgivemesixcrowns,sir.
Mer.Sixcrowns!Byheaven,'twereagooddeedtoborrowitoftheetoshew,andneverlettheehaveitagain.
Jew.Ihopeyourworshipwillnotdoso,sir.
Mer.ByJove,sir,therebesuchtricksstirringIcantellyou,and\vorthilvtoo.Extortingknaves,thatlivebythesecourt-decorums,andyet--What'syourjewelworth,Ipray?
Jew.Ahundredcrowns,sir.
Mer.Ahundredcrowns,andsixfortheloanon'tanhour!what'sthatinthehundredfortheyear?Theseimpostorswouldnotbehang'd!Yourthiefisnotcomparabletothem,byHercules.Wdl,putitin,andthefeather;youwillhaveitandyoushall,andthepoxgiveyougoodon't!
Amo.Givememyconfects,mymoscadini,andplacethosecoloursinmyhat.
Mer.TheseareBolognianribands,Iwarrantyou.
Mil.Intruth,sir,iftheybenotrightGranadosilk—
Mer.Apoxonyou,you'llallsayso.
Mil.Yougivemenotapenny,sir.
Mer.Come,sir,perfumemydevant;Mailitascend,likesolemnsacrifice,IntothenostrilsoftheQueenofLovef
Bed.YourFrenchceremoniesarethebest.
Ana.Monsieur,signior,yourSolemnAddressistoolong;theladieslongtohaveyoucomeon.
Amo.Soft,sir,ourcoiningonisnotsoeasilyprepared.SigniorFig!
Per.Ay,sir.
Amo.Canyouhelpmycomplexion,here?
Per.Oyes,sir,Ihaveanexcellentmineralfucusforthepurpose.Theglovesareright,sir;youshallburytheminamuck-hill,adraught,sevenyears,andtakethemoutandwashthem,theyshallstillretaintheirfirstscent,trueSpanish.There'sarnbreintheumbre.
Mer.Yourprice,sweetFig?
Per.Givemewhatyouwill,sir;thesigniorpaysmetwocrownsapair;youshallgivemeyourlove,sir.
Mer.Mylove!withapoxtoyou,goodmanSassafras.
Per.Icome,sir.There'sanexcellentdiapasminachain,too,ifyoulikeit.
Amo.Stay,whataretheingredientstoyourfucus?
Per.Noughtbutsublimateandcrudemercury,sir,wellpreparedanddulcified,withthejaw-bonesofasow,burnt,beaten,andsearced.
Amo.Iapproveit.Layiton.
Mer.I'llhaveyourchainofpomander,sirrah;what'syourprice?
Per.We'llagree,monsieur;I'llassureyouitwasbothdorortrdanddriedwherenosuncame,andkeptinanonyxeversinceitwasballed.
Mer.Come,invertmymustachio,andwehavedone.
Amo.'Tisgo'i'l.
Bar.Holdstill,Iprayyou,sir.
Per.Nay,thefucusisexorbitant,sir.
Mer.Death,dostthouburnme,harlot!
Bar.Ibeseechyou,sir.
Mer.Beggar,varlet,poltroon.[Beatshim.
Hed.Excellent,excellent!
Ana.YourFrenchbeatisthemostnaturalbeatoftheworld.
Aso.OthatIhadplayedatthisweapon.[Acharge.
Pha.Peace,nowtheycomeon;thesecondpart.
Amo.Madam,yourbeautiesbeingsoattractive,Imuseyouareleftthusalone.
Phi.Betterbealone,sir,thanillaccompanied.
Amo.Noughtcanbeill,lady,thatcancomenearyourgoodness.
Mer.Sweetmadam,onwhatpartofyousoeveramancastshiseye,hemeetswithperfection;youarethelivelyimageofVenusthroughout;allthegracessmileinyourcheeks;yourbeautynourishesaswellasdelights;youhaveatonguesteepedinhoney,andabreathlikeapanther;yourbreastsandforeheadarewhiterthangoats'milk,orMayblossoms;acloudisnotsosoftasyourskin—
Hed.Wellstrook,monsieur!HechargeslikeaFrenchmanindeed,thickandhotly.
Mer.YourcheeksareCupid'sbaltis,whereinheusestosteephimselfinmilkandnectar:hedoeslightallhistorchesatyoureyes,andinstructsyouhowtoshootandwoundwiththeirbeams.YetIlovenothinginyoumorethanyourinnocence;youretainsonativeasimplicity,
sounblamedabehaviour!Methinks,withsuchalove,Ishouldfindnohead,norfootofmypleasure:youaretheveryspiritofalady.
Ana.Fairplay,monsieur,youaretoohotonthequarry;giveyourcompetitoraudience.
Amo.Lady,howstirringsoeverthemonsieur'stongueis,hewillliebyyoursidemoredullthanyoureunuch.
Ana.Agoodstroke;thatmouthwasexcellentlyputover.
Amo.Youarefair,lady—
Cri.Youofferfoul,signior,toclose;keepyourdistance;forallyourbravorampanthere.
Amo./sayyouarefair,lady,letyourchoicebefit,asyouarefair.
Mer.Isayladiesdoneverbelievetheyarefair,tillsomefoolbeginstodoatuponthem.
Phi.Youplaytoorough,gentlemen.
Amo.Yourfrenchifiedfoolisyouronlyfool,lady:Idoyieldtothishonourablemonsieurinallcivilandhumanecourtesy.
[Aflourish.
Mer.Buz!
Ana.Admirable.Givehimtheprize,givehimtheprize:thatmouthagainwasmostcourtlyhit,andrare.
Amo.IknewIshouldpassuponhimwiththebitterbob.
Hed.O,butthereversewassingular.
Pha.Itwasmostsubtile,Amorphus.
Aso.IfIhaddone't,itshouldhavebeenbetter.
Mer.Howheartilytheyapplaudthis,Crites!
Cri.Yousufferthemtoolong.
Mer.I'lltakeofftheiredgeinstantly.
Ana.Nametheprize,attheSolemnAddress.
Phi.Twolipswagging.
Cri.Andneverawiseword,Itakeit.
Ana.GivetoAmorphus.And,uponhimagain;lethimnotdrawfreebreath.
Amo.Thanks,fairdeliverer,andmyhonourablejudges.MadamPhantaste,youareourworthyobjectatthisnextweapon.
Pha.Mostcovetinglyready,Amorphus.
[ShetakesthestateinsteadofPhilautia.
Hed.Yourmonsieuriscrest-fallen.
Ana.Soaremostofthemonceayear.
Arno.Youwillsee,IshallnowgivehimthegentleDorpresently,heforgettingtoshiftthecolours,whicharenowchangedwithalterationofthemistress.Atyourlastweapon,sir.ThePerfectClose.Setforward.[Acharge.]Intendyourapproach,monsieur.
Mer.'Tisyours,signior.
Amo.Withyourexample,sir.
Mer.NotI,sir.
Amo.Itisyourright.
Mer.Bynopossiblemeans.
Amo.Youhavetheway.
Mer.AsIamnoble—
Amo.AsIamvirtuous—
Mer.Pardonme,sir.
Amo.Iwilldiefirst.
Mer.Youareatyrantincourtesy.
Amo.Heisremoved.—[StaysMercuryonJiismoving.]—Judges,bearwitness.
Mer.Whatofthat,sir?
Amo.Youareremoved,sir.
Mer.Well.
Amo.Ichallengeyou;youhavereceivedtheDor.Givemetheprize.
Mer.Soft,sir.How,theDor?
Amo.Thecommonmistress,yousee,ischanged.
Mer.Right,sir.
Amo.Andyouhavestillinyourhattheformercolours.
Mer.Youlie,sir,Ihavenone:Ihavepulledthemout.Imeanttoplaydiscoloured.[Aflourish.
Cri.TheDor,theDor,theDor,theDor,theDor,thepalpableDor!
Ana.Heartofmyblood,Amorphus,whathaveyoudone?stuckadisgraceuponusall,andatyourlastweapon!
Aso.Icouldhavedonenomore.
Hcd.Byheaven,itwasmostunfortunateluck.
Ana.Luck!bythatcandle,itwasmererashness,andoversight;
wouldanymanhaveventuredtoplaysoopen,andforsakehis
ward?Dnme,ifhehavenoteternallyundonehimselfin
court,anddiscountenancedusthatwerehismaincountenance,byit.
Amo.Forgiveitnow:itwasthesolecismofmystars.
Cri.Thewringbythehand,andthebanquet,isours.
Mer.O,here'saladyfeelslikeawenchofthefirstyear;youwouldthinkherhanddidmeltinyourtouch;andthebonesofherfingersranoutatlengthwhenyouprest'em,theyaresogentlydelicate!Hethathadthegracetoprintakissontheselips,shouldtastewineandrose-leaves.O,shekissesascloseasacockle.Let'stakethemdown,asdeepasourhearts,wench,tillourverysoulsrrn'Y.Adieu,signior:goodfaithIshalldrinktoyouatsupper,sir.
Ana,Stay,monsieur.Whoawardsyoutheprize?
Cri.Why,hispropermerit,sir;youseehehasplayeddownyourgrandgarb-master,here.
Ana.That'snotinyourlogictodetermine,sir:youarenocourtier.Thisisnoneofyoursevenorninebeggarlysciences,butacertainmysteryabovethem,whereinwethathaveskillmustpronounce,andnotsuchfreshmenasyouare.
Cri.Indeed,Imustdeclaremyselftoyounoprofestcourtling;nortohaveanyexcellentstrokeatyoursubtileweapons;yetifyouplease,Idareventureahitwithyou,oryourfellow,sirDagonet,here.
Ana.Withme!
Cri.Yes,sir.
Ana.Heart,Ishallneverhavesuchafortunetosavemyselfinafellowagain,andyourtworeputations,gentlemen,asinthis.I'llundertakehim.
Hed.Do,andswingehimsoundly,goodAnaides.
Ana.Letmealone;I'llplayothermannerofplay,thanhasbeenseenyet.Iwouldtheprizelayon't.
Her.Itshallifyouwill,Iforgivemyright.
Ana.Areyousoconfident!what'syourweapon?
Cri.Atany,I,sir.
Her.ThePerfectClose,that'snowthebest.
Ana.Content,I'llpayyourscholarity.Whooffers?
Cri.Marry,thatwillI:Idaregiveyouthatadvantagetoo.
Ana.Youdare!well,looktoyourliberalsconce.
Amo.Makeyourplaystill,upontheanswer,sir.
Ana.Holdyourpeace,youareahobby-horse.
Aso.Sitbyme,master.
Mer.Now,Crites,strikehome.{Acharge.
Cri.Youshallseemeundotheassuredswaggererwithatrick,instantly:Iwillplayallhisownplaybeforehim;courtthewenchinhisgarb,inhisphrase,withhisface;leavehimnotsomuchasalook,aneye,astalk,oranimperfectoath,toexpresshimselfby,afterme.[AsidetoMercury.
Mer.Excellent,Crites.
Ana.Whenbeginyou,sir?haveyouconsulted?
Cri.Toyourcost,sir.Whichisthepiecestandsforthtobecourted?0,areyoushe?[ToPhilautia.]Well,madam,orsweetlady,itisso,Idoloveyouinsomesort,doyouconceive?andthoughIamnomonsieur,nornosignior,anddowant,astheysay,logicandsophistry,andgoodwords,totellyouwhyitisso;yetbythishandandbythatcandleitisso:andthoughIbenobook-worm,noronethatdealsbyart,togiveyourhetoricandcauses,whyitshould
beso,ormakeitgooditisso?yet,dnme,butIknowitisso,
andamassureditisso,andIandmyswordshallmakeitappearitisso,andgiveyoureasonsufficienthoioitcanbenootherwisebutso—
Hed.'Slight,Anaides,youaremocked,andsoweareall.
Mer.Hownow,signior!what,sufferyourselftobecozenedofyourcourtshipbeforeyourface?
Hed.Thisisplainconfederacytodisgraceus:let'sbegone,andplotsomerevenge.
Anio.Whenmendisgracesshare,Thelesseristhecare.
Cri.Xay,stay,mydearAmbition,[toHedon.]Icandoyouovertoo.Youthattellyourmistress,herbeautyisallcomposedoftheft;herhairstolefromApollo'sgoldy-locks;herwhiteandred,liliesandrosesstolenoutofparadise;hereyestwostars,pluck'dfromthesky;hernosethegnomonofLove'sdial,thattellsyouhowtheclockofyourheartgoes:andforherotherparts,asyoucannotreckonthem,theyaresomany;soyoucannotrecountthem,theyaresomanifest.Yours,ifhisown,unfortunateHoyden,insteadofHedon.[Aflourish.
Aso.Sister,comeaway,Icannotendurethemlonger.
[ExeuntallbutMercuryandCrites.
Mer.Go,Dors,andyou,mymadamCourting-stocks,Followyourscornedandderidedmates;Telltoyourguiltybreasts,whatmeregiltblocksYouare,andhowunworthyhumanstates.
Cri.Now,sacredGodofWit,ifyoucanmakeThose,whomoursportstaxintheseapishgraces,Kiss,likethefightingsnakes,yourpeacefulrod,Thesetimesshallcanoniseyouforagod.
Mer.Why,Crites,thinkyouanynoblespirit,Orany,worththetitleofaman,WillbeincensedtoseetheenchantedveilsOfself-conceit,andservileflattery,Wraptinsoman}'foldsbytimeandcustom,Drawnfromhiswrongedandbewitchedeyes?Whoseesnotnowtheirshapeandnakedness,Isblinderthanthesonofearth,themole;Crown'dwithnomorehumanity,norsoul.
Cri.Thoughtheymayseeit,yetthehugeestateFancy,andform,andsensualpridehavegotten,
Willmakethemblushforanger,notforshame,
Andturnshewnnakednesstoimpudence.
Humourisnowthetestwetrythingsin:
Allpowerisjust:noughtthatdelightsissin.
Andyetthezealofeveryknowingman
Opprestwithhillsoftyranny,castonvirtue
Bythelightfanciesoffools,thustransported,
CannotbutventthevEtnaofhisfires,
T'inflamebestbosomswithmuchworthierlove
Thanoftheseoutwardandeffeminateshades;
Thatthesevainjoys,inwhichtheirwillsconsume
Suchpowersofwitandsoulasareofforce
Toraisetheirbeingstoeternity,
Maybeconvertedonworksfittingmen:
And,forthepracticeofaforcedlook,
Ananticgesture,orafustianphrase,
Studythenativeframeofatrueheart,
Aninwardcomelinessofbounty,knowledge,
Andspiritthatmayconformthemactually
ToGod'shighfigures,whichtheyhaveinpower;
Whichtoneglectforaself-lovingneatness,
Issacrilegeofanunpardon'dgreatness.
Mer.Thenletthetruthofthesethingsstrengthenthee,Inthyexemptandonlyman-likecourse;Likeitthemore,thelessitisrespected:Thoughmenfail,virtueisbygodsprotected.—See,herecomesArete;I'llwithdrawmyself.[Exit.
EnterARETE.
Are.Crites,youmustprovidestraightforamasque,'TisCynthia'spleasure.
Cri.How,brightArete!Why,'twerealabourmoreforHercules:BetterandsoonerdurstIundertakeTomakethedifferentseasonsoftheyear,Thewinds,orelements,tosympathise,ThantheirunmeasurablevanityDancetrulyinameasure.Theyagree!Whatthoughallconcord'sbornofcontraries;Somanyfollieswillconfusionprove,Andlikeasortofjarringinstruments,Alloutoftune;because,indeed,weseeThereisnotthatanalogy'twixtdiscords,Asbetweenthingsbutmerelyopposite.
Are.Thereisyourerror:forasHermes'wandCharmsthedisordersoftumultuousghosts;
AndasthestrifeofChaosthendidcease,WhenbetterlightthanNature'sdidarrive:So,whatcouldneverinitselfagree,
Forgetteththeeccentricproperty,
Andathersightturnsforthwithregular,
Whosesceptreguidestheflowingocean:
Andthoughitdidnot,yetthemostofthem
Beingeithercourtiers,ornotwhollyrude,
Respectofmajesty,theplace,andpresence,
Willkeepthemwithinring,sspecially
Whentheyarenotpresentedasthemselves,
Butmasquedlikeothers:for,introth,notso
Toincorporatethem,couldbenothingelse,
ThanLikeastateungovern'd,withoutlaws,
Orbodymadeofnothingbutdiseases:
Theone,throughimpotency,poorandwretched;
Theother,fortheanarchy,absurd.
Cri.But,lady,fortherevellersthemselves,Itwouldbebetter,inmypoorconceit,Thatotherswereemploy'd;forsuchasareUnfittobeinCynthia'scourt,canseemNolessunfittobeinCynthia'ssports.
Are.That,Crites,isnotpurposedwithoutParticularknowledgeofthegoddess'mind;Whoholdingtrueintelligence,whatfolliesHadcreptintoherpalace,sheresolvedOfsportsandtriumphs,underthatpretext,Tohavethemmusterintheirpompandfulness,Thatsoshemightmorestrictly,andtoroot,Effectthereformationsheintends.
Cri.Inowconceiveherheavenlydriftinall,Andwillapplymyspiritstoserveherwill.Othou,theverypowerby-whichIam,Andbutforwhichitwereinvaintobe,CliiefnextDiana,virginheavenlyfair,AdmiredArete,ofthemadmiredWhosesoulsarenotenkindledbythesense,Disdainnotmychastefire,butfeedtheflameDevotedtrulytothygraciousname.
Are.Leavetosuspectus:Criteswellshallfind,Aswearenowmostdear,we'llprovemostkind.
[Within.]Arete!
Are.Hark,Iamcall'd.[Exit.
Cri.Ifollowinstantly.PhcebusApollo,ifwithancientritos,Andduedevotions,IhaveeverhungElaboratePaeansonthygoldenshrine,Orsungthytriumphsinaloftystrain,Fitforatheatreofgodstohear:Andthou,theothersonofmightyJove,CyllenianMercury,sweetMnia'sjoy,Ifinthebusytumultsofthemind
Mypaththoueverhastillumined,
ForwhichthinealtarsIhaveoftperfumed.
Anddeck'dthystatueswithdiscolour'dflowers:
Nowthriveinventioninthisgloriouscourt,
Thatnotofbountyonly,butofright,
Cynthiamaygrace,andgiveitlifebysight.{Exit.
SCENEIII.
EnterHESPERUS,CYNTHIA,ARETE,TIME,PHRONESIS,and
THAUMA.
Musicaccompanied.HESPERUSsings.
Queenandhuntress,chasteandfair,Nowthesunislaidtosleep,Seatedinthysilverchair,Stateinwontedmannerkeep:
Hesperusentreatsthylight,
Goddess,excellentlybright.
Earth,letnotthyenviousshadeDareitselftointerpose;Cynthia'sshiningorbwasmadeHeav'ntoclear,whendaydidclose:
Blessusthenwithwishedsight,
Goddessexcellentlybright.
Laythybowofpearlapart,Andthycrystalshiningquiver;GiveuntotheflyinghartSpacetobreathe,howshortsoever:
Thouthatmak'stadayofnight,
Goddessexcellentlybright.
Cyn.WhenhathDiana,likeanenviouswretch,Thatglittersonlytohissoothedself,DenyingtotheworldtheprecioususeOfhoardedwealth,withheldherfriendlyaid?Monthlywespendourstill-repairedshine,Andnotforbidourvirgin-waxentorchToburnandblaze,whilenutrimentdothlast:Thatonceconsumed,outofJove'streasuryAnewwetake,andstickitinoursphere,TogivethemutinouskindofwantingmenTheirlook'd-forlight.Yetwhatistheirdesert?Bountyiswrong'd,interpretedasdue;Mortalscanchallengenotaray,byright,YetdoexpectthewholeofCynthia'slight.ButifthatdeitieswithdrewtheirgiftsForhumanfollies,whatcouldmendeserveButdeathanddarkness?Itbehovesthehigh,
Fortheirownsakes,todothingsworthily.
Are.Mosttrue,mostsacredgoddess;fortheheavensReceivenogoodofallthegoodtheydo:NorJove,noryou,norotherheavenlyPowers,Arefedwithfumeswhichdofromincenserise,Orsacrificesreekingintheirgore;Yet,forthecarewhichyouofmortalshave,(Whosepropergooditisthattheybeso,)Youwellarepleasedwithodoursredolent:Butignorantisalltheraceofmen,Whichstillcomplains,notknowingwhy,orwhen.
Cyn.Else,nobleArete,theywouldnotblame,Andtax,orforunjust,orforasproud,ThyCynthia,inthethingswhichareindeedThegreatestgloriesinourstarrycrown;Suchisourchastity,whichsafelyscorns.Notlove,forwhomoreferventlydothloveImmortalhonour,anddivinerenown?ButgiddyCupid,Venus'franticson.Yet,Arete,ifbythisveiledlightWebutdiscover'd(whatwenotdiscern)AnytheleastofimputationsstandReadytosprinkleourunspottedfameWithnoteoflightness,fromtheserevelsnear;Not,fortheempireoftheuniverse,Shouldnight,orcourt,thiswhatsoevershine,Orgraceofours,unhappilyenjoy.Placeandoccasionaretwoprivythieves,AndfrompoorinnocentladiesoftenstealThebestofthings,anhonourablename;Tostaywithfollies,orwherefaultsmaybe,Infersacrime,althoughthepartyfree.
Are.HowCynthianly,thatis,howworthilyAndlikeherself,thematchlessCynthiaspeaks!Infinitejealousies,infiniteregards,Dowatchaboutthetruevirginity:ButPhoebelivesfromall,notonlyfault,Butasfromthought,sofromsuspicionfree.Thypresencebroad-sealsourdelightsforpure;What'sdoneinCynthia'ssight,isdonesecure.
Cyn.Thatthensoanswer'd,dearestArel<\Whatth'argument,orofwhatsortoursportsAreliketobethisnight,Inotdemand.Nothingwhichduty,anddesiretoplease,Bearswrittenintheforehead,comesamiss.ButuntowhoseinventionmustweoweThecomplementofthisnight'sfurniture?
Are.Excellentgoddess,toaman's,whoseworth,Withouthyperbole,Ithusmaypraise;
Oneatleaststudiousofdeservingwell.
And,tospeaktruth,indeeddeservingwell.
Potentialmeritstandsforactual,
Whereonlyopportunitydothwant,
Xotwill,norpower;bothwhichinhimabound.
OnewhomtheMusesandMinervalove;
Forwhomshouldthey,thanCrites,moreesteem,
WhomPhoebus,thoughnotFortune,holdethdear?
And,whichconvincethexcellenceinhim,
Aprincipaladmirerofyourself.
EventhroughtheungentleinjuriesofFate,
Anddifficulties,whichdovirtuechoke,
Thusmuchofhimappears.Whatotherthings
Offarthernotedolieunborninhim,
ThemIdoleaveforcherishmenttoshew,
Andforagoddessgraciouslytojudge.
Cyn.Wehavealreadyjudgedhim,Arete,NorareweignoranthownoblemindsSuffertoomuchthroughthoseindignitiesWhichtimesandviciouspersonscastonthem.OurselfhaveevervowedtoesteemAsvirtueforitself,sofortune,base;Who'sfirstinworth,thesamebefirstinplace.Xorfarthernotice,Arete,wecraveThanthineapproval'ssovereignwarranty:Let'tbethycaretomakeusknowntohim;Cynthiashallbrightenwhattheworldmade-dim.[ExitArete.
THEFIRSTMASQUE.
EnterCUPID,disguisedasAnteros,followedbyStorge,Aglaia,Euphantaste,andApheleia.
Cup.Clearpearlofheaven,and,nottobefartherambitiousintitles,Cynthia!the.fame,ofthisillustriousnight,amongothers,hathalsodrawnthesefourfairvirginsfromthepalaceoftheirqueenPerfection,(awordwhichmakesnosufficientdifferencebetwixther'sandthine,}tovisitthyimperialcourt:forshe,theirsovereign,notfindingwheretodwellamongmen,beforeherreturntoheaven,advisedthemwhollytoconsecratethemselvestothycelestialservice,asinwhoseclearspirit(theproperelementandsphereofvirtue]theyshouldbeholdnotheralone,theirever-honouredmistress,butthemselves(moretrulythemselves]toliveenthronised.Herselfwouldhavecommendedthem,untothyfavourmoreparticularly,butthatsheknowsnocommendationismoreavailablewiththee,thanthatofpropervirtue.Neverthelessshewilledthemtopresentthiscrystalmound,anoteofmonarchy,andsymbolofperfection,tothymoreworthydeity;which,asherebymetheymosthumblydo,soamongsttheraritiesthereof,thatisthechief,toshewwhatsoevertheworldhathexcellent,howsoeverremoteandvarious.Butyourirradiatejudgmentwillsoondiscoverthesecrets
ofthislittlecrystalworld.Themselves,toappearmoreplainly;,becausetheyknownothingmoreodiousthanfalsepretexts,havechosentoexpresstheirseveralqualitiesthusinseveralcolours.
Thefirst,incitroncolour,isnaturalaffection,which,givenustoprocureourgood,issometimecalledStorge;andaseveryoneisnearesttohimself,sothishandmaidofreason,allowableSelf-lore,asitiswithoutharm,soarenonewithoutit:herplaceinthecourtofPerfectionwastoquickenmind*inthepursuitofhonour.Herdeviceisaperpendicularlevel,uponacubeorsquare;theword,sesuomodulo;alludingtothattruemeasureofone'sself,which,aseveryoneoughttomake,soisitmostconspicuousinthydivineexample.
Thesecond,ingreen,isAglaia,delectableandpleasantconversation,whosepropertyistomoveakindlydelight,andsometimenotwithoutlaughter:herofficetoentertainassemblies,andkeepsocietiestogetherwithfairfamiliarity.Herdevice,withinaringofclouds,aheartwithshineaboutit;theword,curarumnubilapello:anallegoryofCynthia'slight,whichnolessclearstheskythanherfairmirththeheart.
Thethird,inthediscolouredmantlespangledallover,isEuphantast?,awell-conceitedWittiness,andemployedinhonouringthecourtwiththerichesofherpureinvention.Herdevice,uponaPetasus,orMercurialhat,acrescent;theword,siclausingenii;inferringthatthepraiseandgloryofwitdotheverincrease,asdoththygrowingmoon.
Thefourth,inwhite,isApheleia,anymphaspureandsimpleasthesoul,orasanabrasetable,andisthereforecalledSimplicity;withoutfolds,withoutplaits,withoutcolour,withoutcounterfeit;and(tospeakplainly)plainnessitself.Herdeviceisnodevice.Thewordunderhersilvershield,omnisabestfucus;alludingtothyspotlessself,whoartasfarfromimpurityasfrommortality.
Myself,celestialgoddess,morefitforthecourtofCynthiathanthearboursofCytherea,amcalledAnteros,orLove'senemy;themorewelcomethereforetothycourt,andthefittertoconductthisquaternion,who,astheyarethyprofessedvotaries,andforthatcauseadversary3toLore,yetthee,perpetualvirgin,theybothlove,andvowtoloveeternally.
Re-enterARETE,withCRITES.
Cyn.Notwithoutwonder,norwithoutdelight,Mineeyeshaveview'd,incontemplation'sdepth,Thisworkofwit,divineandexcellent:Whatshape,whatsubstance,orwhatunknownpower,Invirgin'shabit,crown'dwithlaurellea\Andolive-brancheswoveninbetween,Onsea-girtrocks,liketoagoddessshines!0front!0face!Oallcelestial,sure.Andmorethanmortal!Arete,beholdAnotherOynthia,andanotherqueen,Whoseglory,likealastingplenilune,Seemsignorantofwhatitistowane.
NorunderheavenanobjectcouldbefoundMorefittoplease.LetCritesmakeapproach.Bountyforbidstopallourthankswithstay,Ortodeferourfavour,afterview:Thetimeofgraceis,whenthecauseisnew.
Are.Lo,heretheman,celestialDelia,Who(likeacircleboundedinitself)Containsasmuchasmaninfulnessmay.Lo,heretheman,whonotofusualearth,Butofthatnoblerandmore
preciousmouldWhichPhoebus'selfdothtemper,iscomposed;Andwho,thoughallwerewantingtoreward,Yettohimselfhewouldnotwantingbe:Thyfavour'sgainishisambition'smost,Andlabour'sbest;who(humbleinhisheight)Standsfixedsilentinthyglorioussight.
Cyn.WithnolesspleasurethanwehavebeheldThispreciouscrystalworkofrarestwit,Oureyedothreadthee,nowinstiled,ourCrites;Whomlearning,virtue,andourfavourlast,Exemptethfromthegloomymultitude.WithcommoneyetheSupremeshouldnotsee:Henceforthbeours,themorethyselftobe.
Cri.Heaven'spurestlight,whoseorbmaybeeclipsed,Butnotthypraise;divinestCynthia!Howmuchtoonarrowforsohighagrace,Thine(savetherein)themostunworthyCriteaDothfindhimself!forevershinethyfame;Thinehonoursever,asthybeautiesdo.Inmetheymust,mydarkworld'schiefestlights,BywhosepropitiousbeamsmypowersareraisedTohopesomepartofthosemostloftypoints,WhichblessedAretehathpleasedtoname,Asmarks,towhichmyendeavour'sstepsshouldbend:Mine,asbegunatthee,intheemustend.
THESECONDMASQUE.
EnterMERCURYasapage,introducingEucosmos,Eupathea,
Eutolmos,andEucolos.
Mer.SisterofPhoebus,towhosebrightorbweowe,thatwe.notcomplainofhisabsence;thesefourbrethren(fortheyarebrethren,andsonsofEutaxia,aladyknown,andhighlybelovedofyourresplendentdeity]notabletobeabsent,whenCynthiaheldasolemnity,officiouslyinsinuatethemselvesintothypresence:for,astherearefourcardinalvirtues,uponwhichthewholeframeofthecourtdothmove,soarethesethefourcardinalproperties,withoutwhichthebodyofcomplimentmovethnot.Withthesefoursilverjavelins,(whichtheybearintheirhands]theysupportinprinces'courtsthestateofthe^
presence,asbyofficetheyare,obliged:which,thoughheretheymayseemsuperfluous,yet,forhonour'ssake,theythuspresumetovisitthee,havingalsobeenemployedinthepalaceofqueenPerfection.Andthoughtothemthatwouldmakethemselvesgracioustoagoddess,sacrificeswerefitterthanpresents,orimpresses,yettheybothhopethyfavour,and(inplaceofeither)useseveralsymbols,containingthetitlesofthyimperialdignity.
First,thehithermost,inthechangeableblueandgreenrobe,isthecommendably-fashionedgallant,Eucosmos;whosecourtlyhabitisthegraceofthepresence,anddelightofthesurveyingeye;whomladiesunderstandbythenamesofNeatandElegant.Hissymbolis,divaevirgin!,inwhichhewouldexpressthydeitysprincipalglory,whichhatheverbeenvirginity.
Thesecond,intherichaccoutrement,androbeofpurple,empaledwithgold,isEupathes;whoentertainshismindwithanharmless,butnotincuriousvariety;alltheobjectsofhissensesaresumptuous,himselfagallant,that,withoutexcess,canmakeuseofsuperfluity,gorichlyinembroideries,jewels,andwhatnot,withoutvanity,andfaredelicatelywitJioutgluttony;andtherefore(notwithoutcause)isuniversallythoughttobeoffinehumour.His
symbolis,divaeoptima;anattributetoexpressthygoodness,inwhichthousoresemblestJovethyfather.
Thethird,intheblush-colouredsuit,isEutolmos,asdulyrespectingothers,asneverneglectinghimself;commonlyknownbythetitleofgoodAudacity;tocourtsandcourtlyassembliesaguestmostacceptable.Hissymbolis,divaeviragini;toexpressthyhardycourageinchaseofsavagebeasts,whichharbourinwoodsandwildernesses.
Thefourth,inwatchettinsel,isthekindandtrulybenefiqueEucolos,whoimpartethnotwithoutrespect,butyetivithoutdifficulty,andhaththehappinesstomakeeverykindnessseemdouble,bythetimelyandfreelybestowingthereof.Heisthechiefofthem,wJiobythevulgararesaidtobeofgoodnature.Hissymbolis,divoemaxima;anadjuncttosignifythygreatness,whichinheaven,earth,andhell,isformidable.
Music.ADancebythetwoMasquesjoined,duringwhichCUPIDandMERCURYretiretothesideofthestage.
Cup.IsnotthatAmorphus,thetraveller?
Mer.Asthoughitwerenot!doyounotseehowhislegsareintravailwithameasure?
Cup.Hedon,thymasterisnext.
Mer.What,willCupidturnnomenclator,andcrythem?
Cup.No,faith,butIhaveacomedytoward,thatwouldnotbelostforakingdom.
Mer.Ingoodtime,forCupidwillprovethecomedy.
Cup.Mercury,Iamstudyinghowtomatchthem.
Mer.Howtomismatchthemwereharder.
Cup.Theyarethenymphsmustdoit;1shallsportmyselfwiththeirpassionsabovemeasure.
Mer.Thosenymphswouldbetamedalittleindeed,butIfearthouhastnotarrowsforthepurpose.
Cup.Oyes,herebeofallsorts,flights,rovers,andbutt-shafts.ButIcanwoundwithabrandish,andneverdrawbowforthematter.
Mer.Icannotbutbelieveit,myinvisiblearcher,andyetmethinksyouaretedious.
Cup.Itbehovesmetobesomewhatcircumspect,Mercury;forifCynthiahearthetwangofmybow,she'llgoneartowhipmewiththestring;therefore,topreventthat,Ithusdischargea
brandishuponitmakesnomatterwhichofthecouples.Phan-
tasteandAmorphus,atyou.[Waveshisarrowatthem.
Mer.Willtheshakingofashaftstrikethemintosuchafeverofaffection?
Cup.Aswellasthewinkofaneye:but,Ipraythee,hindermenotwiththyprattle.
Mer.JoveforbidIhinderthee;Marry,allthatIfearisCynthia'spresence,which,withthecoldofherchastity,castethsuchanantiperistasisabouttheplace,thatnoheatofthinewilltarrywiththepatient.
Cup.Itwilltarrytherather,fortheantiperistasiswillkeepitin.
Mer.Ilongtoseetheexperiment.
Cup.Why,theirmarrowboilsalready,ortheyareallturn'deunuchs.
Mer.Nay,an'tbeso,I'llgiveoverspeaking,andbeaspectatoronly.[Thefirstdanceends.
Amo.Cynthia,bymybrightsoul,isarightexquisiteandsplen-didiouslady;yetAmorphus,Ithink,hathseenmorefashions,Iamsuremorecountries;butwhetherIhaveornot,whatneedwegazeonCynthia,thathaveourselftoadmire?
Pha.0,excellentCynthia!yetifPhantastesatwhereshedoes,andhadsuchattireonherhead,(forattirecandomuch,)Isaynomore—butgoddessesaregoddesses,andPhantasteisassheis!Iwouldtherevelsweredoneonce,Imightgotomyschoolofglassagain,andlearntodomyselfrightafterallthisruffling.
[Music;theybegintheseconddance.
Mer.Hownow,Cupid?here'sawonderfulchangewithyourbrandish!doyounothearhowtheydote?
Cup.Whatprodigyisthis?nowordoflove,nomention,nomotion!
Mer.Notaword,mylittleignisfatue,notaword.
Cup.Aremydartsenchanted?istheirvigourgone?istheirvirtue—
Mer.What!Cupidturnedjealousofhimself?ha,ha,ha!
Cup.LaughsMercury?
Mer.IsCupidangry?
Cup.Hathhenotcause,whenhispurposeissodeluded?
Mer.Ararecomedy,itshallbeentitledCupid's?
Cup.Donotscornus,Hermes.
Mer.CholerandCupidaretwofierythings;Iscornthemnot.ButIseethatcometopasswhichIpresagedinthebeginning.
Cup.Youcannottell:perhapsthephysicwillnotworksosoonuponsomeasuponothers.Itmaybetherestarenotsoresty.
Mer.Exungue;youknowtheoldadage,asthesesoaretheremainder.
Cup.I'lltry:thisisthesameshaftwithwhichIwoundedArgurion.[Waveshisarrowagain.
Mer.Ay,butletmesaveyoualabour,Cupid:therewerecertainbottlesofwaterfetch'd,anddrunkoffsincethattime,bythesegallants.
Cup.Jovestrikemeintotheearth!theFountainofSelf-love!
Mer.Nay,faintnot,Cupid.
Cup.Iremember'ditnot.
Mer.Faith,itwasominoustotakethenameofAnterosuponyou;youknownotwhatcharmorenchantmentliesintheword:yousaw,Idurstnotventureuponanydeviceinourpresentment,butwascontenttobenootherthanasimplepage.Yourarrows'properties,(tokeepdecorum,)Cupid,aresuited,itshouldseem,tothenatureofhimyoupersonate.
Cup.Indignitynottobeborne!
Mer.Nayrather,anattempttohavebeenforborne.
[Theseconddanceends.
Cup.HowmightIrevengemyselfonthisinsultingMercury?there'sCrites,hisminion,hehasnottastedofthiswater.[WaveshisarrowatCrites.]Itshallbeso.IsCritesturn'ddotardonhimselftoo?
Mer.Thatfollowsnot,becausethevenomofyourshaftscannotpiercehim,Cupid.
Cup.Asthoughtherewereoneantidoteforthese,andanotherforhim.
Mer.Asthoughtherewerenot;or,asifoneeffectmightnotariseofdiverscauses?WhatsayyoutoCynthia,Arete,Phronesis,Time,andothersthere?
Cup.Theyaredivine.
Mer.AndCritesaspirestobeso.
[Mu-sic;theybegintlic,thirddance.
Cvp.Butthatshallnotservehim.
Mer.'Tisliketodoit,atthistime.ButCupidisgrowntoocovetous,thatwillnotspareoneofamultitude.
Cup.Oneismorethanamultitude.
Mer.Arete'sfavourmakesanyoneshot-proofagainstthro,Cupid.Ipraythee,lighthoney-bee,rememberthouartnotnouinAdonis'garden,butinCynthia'spresence,wherethornslieingarrisonabouttheroses.Soft,Cynthiaspeaks.
Cyn.Ladiesandgallantsofourcourt,toend,Andgiveatimelyperiodtooursports.Letusconcludethemwithdecliningnight;Ourempireisbutofthedarkerhalf.
Andifyoujudgeitanyrecompence
Foryourfairpains,t'haveearn'dDiana'sthanks,
Dianagrantsthem,andbestowstheircrown
Togratifyyouracceptablezeal.
Foryouarethey,thatnot,assomehavedone,
Docensureus,astoosevereandsour,
Butas,morerightly,gracioustothegood;.
Althoughwenotdeny,untotheproud,
Ortheprofane,perhapsindeedaustere:
ForsoActseon,bypresumingfar,
Did,toourgrief,incurafataldoom;
Andso,swolnNiobe,comparingmore
Thanhepresumed,wastrophasedintostone.
Butarewethereforejudgedtooextreme?
Seemsitnocrimetoentersacredbowers,
Andhallow'dplaces,withimpureaspect,
Mostlewdlytopollute?Seemsitnocrime
Tobraveadeity?Letmortalslearn
Tomakereligionofoffendingheaven.
Andnotatalltocensurepowersdivine.
Tomenthisargumentshouldstandforfirm,
Agoddessdidit,thereforeitwasgood:
Wearenotcruel,nordelightinblood.—
Butwhathaveseriousrepetitions
Todowithrevels,andthesportsofcourt?
Wenotintendtosouryourlatedelights
Withharshexpostulation.Letitsuffice
Thatwetakenotice,andcantakerevenge
Ofthesecalumniousandlewdblasphemies.
ForwearenolessCynthiathanwewere,
Norisourpower,butasourself,thesame:
Thoughwehavenowputonnotireofshine,
Butmortaleyesundazzledmayendure.
Yearsarebeneaththespheres,andtimemakesweak
Thingsunderheaven,notpowerswhichgovernheaven.
Andthoughourselfbeinourselfsecure,
Yetletnotmortalschallengetothemselves
Immunityfromthence.Lo,thisisall:
Honourhathstoreofspleen,butwantethgall.
Oncemorewecasttheslumberofourthanks
Onyourta'entoil,whichherelettakeanend.
Andthatwenotmistakeyourseveralworths,,
Noryouourfavour,fromyourselvesremove
Whatmakesyounotyourselves,thosecloudsofmasque;
Particularpainsparticularthanksdoask.[Thedancersunmask.
How!letmeviewyou.Ha!arewecontemn'd?
Istheresolittleaweofourdisdain,
Thatany(undertrustoftheirdisguise)
Shouldmixthemselveswithothersofthecourt,
And.withoutforehead,boldlypresssofar,
Asfarthernone?Howaptislenity
Tobeabused!severitytobeloath'd!
Andyet,howmuchmoredoththeseemingface
Ofneighbourvirtues,andtheirborrow'dnames,
Addoflewdboldnesstoloosevanities!
WhowouldhavethoughtthatPhilautiadurst
OrhaveusurpednobleStorge'sname,
Orwiththatthefthaveventuredonoureyes?
Whowouldhavethought,thatallofthemshouldhope
Somuchofourconnivence,astocome
Togracethemselveswithtitlesnottheirown?
Insteadofmed'cines,havewemaladies?
AndsuchimposthumesasPhantasteis
Growinourpalace?Wemustlancethesesores,
Orallwillputrify.Xoraretheseall,
Forwesuspectafartherfraudthanthis:
Takeoffourveil,thatshadowsmanydepart,
Andshapesappear,belovedAreteSo,
Anotherfaceofthingspresentsitself,
Thandidoflate.What!feather'dCupidmasqued,
AndmaskedlikeAnteros?Andstay!morestrange!
DearMercury,ourbrother,likeapage,
Tocountenancetheambushoftheboy!
Xorendethourdiscoveryasyet:
Gelaia,likeanymph,that,buterewhile.
Inmaleattire,didserveAnaides?—
Cupidcamehithertofindsportandgame,
Whoheretoforehathbeentooconversant
Amongourtrain,butneverfeltrevenge;
AndMercurybareCupidcompany.
Cupid,wemustconfess,thistimeofmirth,
Proclaim'dbyus,gaveopportunity
Tothyattempts,althoughnoprivilege:
Temptusnofarther;wecannotendure
Thypresencelonger;vanishhence,away![ExitCupid.
You,Mercury,wemustentreattostay,
Andhearwhatwedetermineoftherest;
Forinthisplotwewellperceiveyourhand.
But,(forwemeannotacensoriantask,
Andyettolancetheseulcersgrownsoripe,)
DearArete,andCrites,toyoutwo
Wegivethecharge;imposewhatpainsyouplease:
Th'incurablecutoff,therestreform.
Rememberingeverwhatwefirstdecreed,
Sincerevelswereproclaim'd,letnownonebleed.
Are.HowwellDianacandistinguishtimes,.Andsorthercensures,keepingtoherselfThedoomofgods,leavingtheresttous!
Come,citethem,Crites,first,andthenproceed.
Cri.First,Philautia,forshewasthefirst,ThenlightGelaiainAglaia'sname,Thirdly,Phantaste,andMorianext,MainFolliesall,andofthefemalecrew:Amorphus,orEucosmos'counterfeit,VoluptuousHedonta'enforEupathes,BrazenAnaides,andAsotuslast,Withhistwopages,MomsandProsaites;Andthou,thetraveller'sevil,Cos,approach,Impostorsall,andmaledeformities—
Are.Nay,forward,forIdelegatemypower.Andwillthatatthymercytheydostand,Whomtheysooft,soplainlyscorn'dbefore.'Tisvirtuewhichtheywant,andwantingit,Honournogarmenttotheirbackscanfit.Then,Crites,practisethydiscretion.
Cri.AdoredCynthia,andbrightArete,Anothermightseemfitterforthistask,ThanCritesfar,butthatyoujudgenotso:ForI(nottoappearvindicative,Ormindfulofcontempts,whichIcontemn'd,Asdoneofimpotence)mustberemiss:Who,asIwastheauthor,insomesort,ToworktheirknowledgeintoCynthia'ssight,SoshouldbemuchseverertorevengeTheindignityhenceissuingtohername:Butthere'snotoneofthesewhoareunpain'd,Orbythemselvesunpunished;forviceIslikeafurytotheviciousmind,Andturnsdelightitselftopunishment.Butwemustforward,todefinetheirdoom.Youareoffenders,thatmustbeconfess'd;Doyouconfessit?
All.Wedo.
Cri.Andthatyoumeritsharpcorrection?
AllYes.
Cri.Thenwe(reservinguntoDelia'sgraceHerfartherpleasure,andtoAreteW'hatDeliagranteth)thusdosentenceyou:Thatfromthisplace(forpenanceknownofall,SinceyouhavedrunksodeeplyofSelf-love)You,twoandtwo,singingaPalinode,MarchtoyourseveralhomesbyNiobe'sstone,Andofferuptwotearsa-piecethereon,Thatitmaychangethename,asyoumustchange,AndofastonebecalledWeeping-cross:BecauseitstandethcrossofCynthia'sway,OneofwhosenamesissacredTrivia.
Andafterpenancethusperform'dyoupass
Inlikesetorder,notasMidasdid,
TowashhisgoldoffintoTagus'stream;
Buttothewellofknowledge,Helicon;Where,purgedofyourpresentmaladies,Whicharenotfew,norslender,youbecomeSuchasyoufainwouldseem,andthenreturn,OfferingyourservicetogreatCynthia.Thisisyoursentence,ifthegoddesspleaseToratifyitwithherhighconsent;Thescopeofwisemirthuntofruitisbent.
Cyn.Wedoapprovethycensure,belov'dCrites;WhichMercury,thytruepropitiousfriend,(AdeitynextJovebelovedofus,)Willundertaketoseeexactlydone.Andforthisserviceofdiscovery,rerform'dbythee,inhonourofourname,WevowtoguerdonitwithsuchduegraceAsshallbecomeourbounty,andthyplace.Princesthatwouldtheirpeopleshoulddowell,Mustatthemselvesbegin,asatthehead;Formen,bytheirexample,patternoutTheirimitations,andregardoflaws:Avirtuouscourt,aworldtovirtuedraws.
[ExeuntCynthiaandherNymphs,followedbyAreteandCrites:—Amorphus,PJiantaste,etc.,gooffthestageinpairs,singingthefollowing
PALINODE.
Amo.FromSpanishshrugs,Frenchfaces,smirks,irpes,andallaffectedhumours,
Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.
Pha.Fromsecretfriends,sweetservants,loves,doves,andsuchfantastichumours,
Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.
Amo.Fromstabbingofarms,flap-dragons,healths,whiffs,andallsuchswaggeringhumours,
Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.
Pha.Fromwavingfans,coyglances,glicks,cringes,andallsuchsimperinghumours,
Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.
Amo.Frommakinglovebyattorney,courtingofpuppets,andpayingfornewacquaintance,
Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.
Pha.Fromperfumeddogs,monkies,sparrows,dildoes,andparaquettoes,
Chorus.C!of)dMnviirydefendIK.
Amo.Fromwearingbraceletsofhair,shoe-ties,gloves,garters,andringswithpoesies,
Chorus.GoodMereiirvdefendus.
Pha.Frompargetting,painting,slicking,glazing,andrenewingoldrivalledfaces,
Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.
Amo.From'squiringtotiltyards,play-houses,pageants,andallsuchpublicplaces,
Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.
Pha.Fromentertainingonegallanttogullanother,andmakingfoolsofeither,
Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.
Amo.Frombelyingladies'favours,noblemen'scountenance,coiningcounterfeitemployments,vain-glorioustakingtothemothermen'sservices,andallself-lovinghumours,
Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.
MERCURYandCRITESsing.
Noweachonedryhisweepingeyes,
AndtotheWellofKnowledgehaste;Where,purgedofyourmaladies,
Youmayofsweeterwaterstaste:And,withrefinedvoice,reportThegraceofCynthia,andhercourt.
[Exeunt.
THEEPILOGUE.
Gentles,be'tknowntoyou,sinceIwentinIamturn'drhymer,anddothusbegin.Theauthor(jealoushowyoursensedothtakeHistravails)hathenjoinedmetomakeSomeshortandceremoniousepilogue;ButifIyetknowwhat,Iamarogue:HetiesmetosuchlawsasquitedistractMythoughts,andwouldayearoftimeexact.Ineithermustbefaint,remiss,norsorry,Sour,serious,confident,norperemptory;Butbetwixtthese.Let'ssee;tolaytheblameUponthechildren'saction,thatwerelame.Tocraveyourfavour,withabeggingknee,Weretodistrustthewriter'sfaculty.Topromisebetteratthenextwebring,Proroguesdisgrace,commendsnotanything.Stifflytostandonthis,andproudlyapproveTheplay,mighttaxthemakerofSelf-love.I'llonlyspeakwhatIhaveheardhimsay,"By'tisgood,andifyoulike't,youmay."
Eccerubetquidam,pallet,stupet,oscitat,oditHocvolo:nuncnobiscarminanostraplacent.
THEPOETASTER:OR,HISARRAIGNMENT
TOTHEVIRTUOUS,ANDMYWORTHYFRIEND
MR.RICHARDMARTIN
SIR,—Athankfulmanowesacourtesyever;theunthankfulbutwhenheneedsit.Tomakemineownmarkappear,andshewbywhichofthesesealsIamknown,Isendyouthispieceofwhatmayliveofmine;forwhoseinnocence,asfortheauthor's,youwereonceanobleandtimelyundertaker,tothegreatestjusticeofthiskingdom.Enjoynowthedelightofyourgoodness,whichis,toseethatprosperyoupreserved,andposteritytoowethereadingofthat,withoutoffence,toyourname,whichsomuchignoranceandmaliceofthetimesthenconspiredtohavesupprest.
Yourtruelover,BENJONSON.
DRAMATISPERSONS
AUGUSTUSCAESAR.MEC^ENAS.MARC.OVID.COR.GALLUS.SEX.PROPERTIUS.Fus.ARISTIUS.PUB.OVID.VIRGIL.HORACE.TREBATIUS.ASINIUSLUPUS.PANTILIUSTUCCA.Luscus.
HERMOGENESTIGELLIUS.
DEMETRIUSFANNIUS.
ALBIUS.
MINOS.
HISTRIO.
PYRGI.
Lictors,Equitis,etc.
JULIA.CYTHERIS.PLAUTIA.CHLOE.
RUF.LAB.CRISPINUS.|Maids.
SCENE,—ROME
Afterthesecondsounding.ENVYarisesinthemidstofthestage.
Light,Isalutethee,butwithwoundednerves.
Wishingthegoldensplendorpitchydarkness.
What'shere?THEARRAIGNMENT!ay;this,thisisit,
Thatoursunkeyeshavewakedforallthiswhile:
Herewillbesubjectformysnakesandme.
Clingtomyneckandwrists,mylovingworms,
Andcastyouroundinsoftandamorousfolds,
TillIdobiduncurl;then,breakyourknots,
Shootoutyourselvesatlength,asyourforcedstings
Wouldhidethemselveswithinhismalicedsides,
TowhomIshallapplyyou.StayIthe.shine
Ofthisassemblyhereoffendsmysight;
rildarkenthatfirst,andoutfacetheirgrace.
Wondernot,ifIstare:thesefifteenweeks,
Solongassincetheplotwasbutanembrion,
HaveI,withburninglightsmixtvigilantthoughts,
Inexpectationofthishatedplay,
TowhichatlastIamarrivedasPrologue.
NorwouldIyoushouldlookforotherlooks,
Gesture,orcomplimentfromme,thanwhat
TheinfectedbulkofEnvycanafford:
ForIamrisseherewithacovetoushope,
Toblastyourpleasuresanddestroyyoursports,
Withwrestings,comments,applications,
Spy-likesuggestions,privywhisperings,
Andthousandsuchpromotingsleightsasthese.
MarkhowIwillbegin:Thesceneis,ha!
Rome?Rome?andRome?Crack,eye-strings,andyourballs
Dropintoearth:letmebeeverblind.
Iamprevented;allmyhopesarecrost,
Checked,andabated;fie,afreezingsweat
Flowsforthatallmypores,myentrailsburn:
WhatshouldIdo?Rome!Rome!0myvextsoul,
HowmightIforcethistothepresentstate?
Aretherenoplayershere?nopoetapes,
TJiatcomewithbasilisk'seyes,whoseforkedtongues
Aresteepedinvenom,astheirheartsingall?
Eitherofthesewouldhelpme;theycouldwrest,
Pervert,andpoisonalltheyhearorsee,
Withsenselessglosses,andallusions.
Now,ifyoubegooddevils,flymenot.
Youknowwhatdearandamplefaculties
Ihaveendowedyouwith:IIIlendyoumore.
Here,takemysnakesamongyou,comeandeat,
Andwhilethesqueezedjuiceflowsinyourblackjaws,
Helpmetodamntheauthor.Spititforth
Uponhislines,andshewyourrustyteeth
Ateveryword,oraccent:orelsechoose
Outofmylongestvipers,tostickdown
Inyourdeepthroats;andlettheheadscomeforth
Atyourrankmouths;thathemayseeyouarmd
Withtriplemalice,tohiss,sting,andtear
Hisworkandhim;toforge,andthendeclaim,
Traduce,corrupt,apply,inform,suggest;
O,thesearegiftswhereinyoursoulsareblest.
What?doyouhideyourselves?willnoneappear?
Noneanswer?ivhat,doththiscalmtroopaffrightyou?
Nay,thenIdodespair;down,sinkagain:
Tinstravailisalllosticithmydeadhopes.
Ifinsuchbosomsspitehavelefttodwell,
Envyisnotonearth,norscarceinhell.[Descendsslowly.
Thethirdsounding.Asshedisappears,enterPROLOGUEhastily,inarmour.
Stay,monster,erethousink—thusonthyhead
Setweourbolderfoot;withwhichwetread
Thymaliceintoearth:soSpiteshoulddie,
Despisedandscornedbynobleindustry.
IfanymusewhyIsalutethestage,
AnarmedPrologue;know,'tisadangerousage:
Whereinwhowrites,hadneedpresenthisscenes
Forty-foldproofagainsttheconjuringmeans
Ofbasedetractors,andilliterateapes,
Thatfilluproomsinfairandformalshapes.
'Gainstthese,haveweputonthisforceddefence:
Whereoftheallegoryandhidsense
Is,thatawellerectedconfidence
Canfrighttheirpride,andlaughtheirfollyhence.
Herenow,putcaseourauthorshould,oncemore,
Swearthathisplayweregood;hedothimplore,
Youwouldnotarguehimofarrogance:
Howe'erthatcommonspawnofignorance,
Ourfryofwriters,maybeslimehisfame,
Andgivehisactionthatadulteratename.
Suchfull-blownvanityhemoredothloth,
Thanbasedejection;there'samean'twixtboth,
Whichwithaconstantfirmnesshepursues,
AsonethatknowsthestrengthofhisownMuse.
Andthishehopesallfreesoulswillallow:
Othersthattakeitwitharuggedbrow,
Theirmoodsheratherpitiesthanenvies:
11isminditisabovetheirinjuries.
ACTI
SCEXEI.—Scenedraws,anddiscoversOVTDinhisstudy.
Ovid.Then,whenthisbodyfallsinfnnrralfire,Mynameshalllive,andmybestpartaspire.Itshallgoso.
EnterLuscus,withagownandcrjp.
Lusc.Youngmaster,masterOvid,doyouhear?Godsa'me!awaywithyoursongsandsonnets,andonwithy«>nrgownandrapquickly:here,here,yourfatherwillbeamanofthisroompresently.Come,nay,nay,nay,nay,bebrief.Theseversestoo,apoisonon'em!Icannotabidethem,theymakemereadytocast,bythe
banksofHelicon!Nay,look,whatarascallyuntowardthingthispoetryis;Icouldtearthemnow.
Ovid.Giveme;hownearismyfather?
Lusc.Hearta'man:getalawbookinyourhand,Iwillnotansweryouelse.[Ovidputsonhiscapandgoum.]Whyso!nowthere'ssomeformalityinyou.ByJove,andthreeorfourofthegodsmore,Iamrightofmineoldmaster'shumourforthat;thisvillainouspoetrywillundoyou,bythewelkin.
Ovid.What,hastthoubuskinson,Luscus,thatthouswearestsotragicallyandhigh?
Lusc.No,butIhavebootson,sir,andsohasyourfathertoobythistime;forhecall'dforthemereIcamefromthelodging.
Ovid.Why,washenoreadier?
Lusc.0no;andtherewasthemadskelderingcaptain,withthevelvetarms,readytolayholdonhimashecomesdown:hethatpresseseverymanhemeets,withanoathtolendhimmoney,andcries,Thoumustdeft,oldboy,asthouartaman,amanofworship.
Ovid.Who,PantiliusTucca?
Lus.Ay,he;andImetlittlemasterLupus,thetribune,goingthithertoo.
Ovid.Nay,anhebeundertheirarrest,Imaywithsafetyenoughreadovermyelegybeforehecome.
Lus.Godsa'me!whatwillyoudo?why,youngmaster,youarenotCastalianmad,lunatic,frantic,desperate,ha!
Ovid.Whatailestthou,Luscus?
Lus.Godbewithyou,sir;I'llleaveyoutoyourpoeticalfancies,andfuries.I'llnotbeguilty,I.[Exit.
Ovid.Benot,goodignorance.I'mgladth'artgone;Forthusalone,ourearshallbetterjudgeThehastyerrorsofourmorningmuse.
Envy,whytwit'stthoumemytime'sspentill,
Andcall'stmyverse,fruitsofanidlequill?
Orthat,unlikethelinefromwhenceIsprung,
War'sdustyhonoursIpursuenotyoung?
OrthatIstudynotthetediouslaws,
Andprostitutemyvoiceineverycause?
Thyscopeismortal;mineeternalfame,
Whichthroughtheworldshalleverchauntmyname.
HomerwilllivewhilstTenedosstands,andIde,
Or,tothesea,fleetSimoisdothslide:
AndsoshallHesiodtoo,whilevinesdobear,
Orcrookedsicklescroptheripen'dear.
Callimachus,thoughininventionlow,
Shallstillbesung,sinceheinartdothflow.
NolossshallcometoSophocles'proudvein;
Withsunandmoon,Aratusshallremain.
Whileslavesbefalse,fathershard,andbawdsbewhorish
Whilstharlotsflatter,shallMenanderflourish.
Ennius,thoughrude,andAccius'shigh-rear'dstrain,
Afreshapplauseineveryageshallgain,
OfVarro'sname,whatearshallnotl)etold,
OfJason'sArgoandthefleeceofgold?
ThenshallLucretius'loftynumbersdie,
Whenearthandseasinfireandflameshallfry.
Tityrus,Tillage,Mnee.shallberead,
WhilstRomeofalltheconqueredworldishead!
TillCupid'sfiresbeout,andhisbowbroken,
Thyverses,neatTibullus,shallbespoken.
OurGallussJiallbeknownfromeasttowest;
SoshallLycoris,whomhenowlovesbest.
Thesufferingplough-shareortheflintmaywear;
ButheavenlyPoesynodeathcanfear.
Kingsshallgiveplacetoit,andkinglyshores,
Thebankso'erwhichgold-bearingTagusfioivs.
Kneelhindstotrash:meletbrightPhoebusswell
WithcupsfullflowingfromtheMuses'well.
Frost-fearingmyrtleshallimpalemyhead,
AndofsadloversIbeoftenread.
Envytheliving,notthedead,dothbite!
Forafterdeathallmenreceivetheirright.
Then,whenthisbodyfallsinfuneralfire,
Mynameshalllive,andmybestpartaspire.
EnterOVIDsenior,folloivedbyLTJSCUS,TUCCA,andLUPUS.
Ovidse.Yournameshalllive,indeed,sir!yousaytrue:buthowinfamously,howscorn'dandconterun'dintheeyesandearsofthebestandgravestRomans,thatyouthinknoton;youneversomuchasdreamofthat.Arethesethefruitsofallmytravailandexpenses?Isthisthescopeandaimofthystudies?Arethesethehopefulcourses,wherewithIhavesolong
flatteredmyexpectationfromthee?Verses!Poetry!Ovid,whomIthoughttoseethepleader,becomeOvidtheplay-maker!
Ovidju.No,sir.
Ovidse.Yes,sir;Ihearofatragedyofyourscomingforthforthecommonplayersthere,call'dMedea.Bymyhouseholdgods,ifIcometotheactingofit,I'lladdonetragicpartmorethanisyetexpectedtoit:believeme,whenIpromiseit.What!shallIhavemysonastagernow?anenghleforplayers?agull,arook,ashot-clog,tomakesuppers,andbelaugh'dat?Publius,Iwillsettheeonthefuneralpilefirst.
Ovidju.Sir,Ibeseechyoutohavepatience.
Lus.Nay,this'tistohaveyourearsdamn'duptogoodcounsol.Ididaugurallthistohimbeforehand,withoutporingintoanox'spaunchforthematter,andyethewouldnotbescrupulous.
Tuc.Hownow,goodmanslave!what,rowly-powly?allrivals,rascal?Why,mymasterofworship,dosthear?arethesethybestprojects?isthisthydesigns;uxlthydiscipline,tosufferknaves
tobecompetitorswithcommandersandgentlemen?Areweparallels,rascal,areweparallels?
Ovidse.Sirrah,gogetmyhorsesready.You'llstillbeprating.
Tuc.Do,youperpetualstinkard,do,go;talktotapstersandostlers,youslave;theyareinyourelement,go;herebetheemperor'scaptains,youraggamumnrascal,andnotyourcomrades.
[ExitLuscus.
Lup.Indeed,MarcusOvid,theseplayersareanidlegeneration,anddomuchharminastate,corruptyounggentryverymuch,Iknowit;Ihavenotbeenatribunethuslongandobservednothing:besides,theywillrobus,us,thataremagistrates,ofourrespect,bringusupontheirstages,andmakeusridiculoustotheplebeians;theywillplayyouorme,thewisestmentheycancomebystill,onlytobringusincontemptwiththevulgar,andmakeuscheap.
Tur.Thouartintheright,myvenerablecropshin,theywillindeed;thetongueoftheoraclenevertwang'dtruer.Yourcourtiercannotkisshismistress'sslippersinquietforthem;noryourwhiteinnocentgallantpawnhisrevellingsuittomakehispunkasupper.Anhonestdecayedcommandercannotskelder,cheat,norbeseeninabawdy-house,butheshallbestraightinoneoftheirwormwoodcomedies.Theyaregrownlicentious,therogues;libertines,flatlibertines.Theyforgettheyareinthestatute,therascals;theyareblazon'dthere;theretheyaretrick'd,theyandtheirpedigrees;theyneednootherheralds,Iwiss.
Ovidse.Methinks,ifnothingelse,yetthisalone,theveryreadingofthepublicedicts,shouldfrighttheefromcommercewiththem,andgivetheedistasteenoughoftheiractions.Butthisbetrayswhatastudentyouare,thisarguesyourproficiencyinthelawI
Ovidju.Theywrongme,sir,anddoabuseyoumore,Thatblowyourearswiththeseuntruereports.Iamnotknownuntotheopenstage,NordoItrafficintheirtheatres:Indeed,Ido
acknowledge,atrequestOfsomenearfriends,andhonourableRomans,Ihavebegunapoemofthatnature.
Ovidse.Youhave,sir,apoem!andwhereisit?That'sthelawyoustudy.
Ovidju.CorneliusGallusborrowedittoread.
Ovidse.CorneliusGallus!there'sanothergallanttoohathdrunkofthesamepoison,andTibullusandPropertius.Butthesearegentlemenofmeansandrevenuesnow.Thouartayoungerbrother,andhastnothingbuttheybareexhibition;whichIprotestshallbebareindeed,ifthouforsakenottheseunprofitableby-courses,andthattimelytoo.Namemeaprofestpoet,thathispoetrydideveraffordhimsomuchasacompetency.Ay,yourgodofpoetsthere,whomallofyouadmireandreverencesomuch,Homer,hewhoseworm-eatenstatuemustnotbespewedagainst,butwithhallow'dlipsandgrovelingadoration,whatwashe?whatwashe?
Tuc.Marry,I'lltellthee,oldswaggerer;hewasapoorblind,rhymingrascal,thatlivedobscurelyupanddowninboothsandtap-houses,andscarceevermadeagoodmealinhissleep,thewhoresonhungrybeggar.
Ovidse.Hesayswell:—nay,Iknowthisnettlesyounow;butanswerme,isitnottrue?You'lltellmehisnameshalllive;andthatnowbeingdeadhisworkshaveeternisedhim,andmadehimdivine:butcouldthisdivinityfeedhimwhilehelived?couldhisnamefeasthim?
Tuc.Orpurchasehimasenator'srevenue,couldit?
Ovidse.Ay,orgivehimplaceinthecommonwealth?worship,orattendants?makehimbecarriedinhislitter?
Tuc.Thouspeakestsentences,oldBias.
Lup.Allthisthelawwilldo,youngsir,ifyou'llfollowit.
Ovidse.Ifhebemine,heshallfollowandobservewhatIwillapthimto,orIprofesshereopenlyandutterlytodisclaimhim.
Ovidju.Sir,letmecraveyouwillforegothesemoods;Iwillbeanything,orstudyanything;I'llprovetheunfashion'dbodyofthelawPureelegance,andmakeherrugged'ststrainsRunsmoothlyasPropertius'elegies.
Ovidse.Propertius'elegies?good!
Lup.Nay,youtakehimtooquickly,Marcus.
Ovidse.Why,hecannotspeak,hecannotthinkoutofpoetry;heisbewitch'dwithit.
Lup.Come,donotmisprisehim.
Ovidse.Misprise!ay,marry,Iwouldhavehimusesomesuchwordsnow;theyhavesome
touch,sometasteofthelaw.Heshouldmakehimselfastyleoutofthese,andlethisPropertius'elegiesgoby.
Lup.Indeed,youngPublius,hethatwillnowhitthemark,mustshootthroughthelaw;wehavenootherplanetreigns,andinthatsphereyoumaysitandsingwithangels.Why,thelawmakesamanhappy,withoutrespectinganyothermerit;asimplescholar,ornoneatall,maybealawyer.
Tuc.Hetellstheetrue,mynobleneophyte;mylittlegram-maticaster,hedoes:itshallneverputtheetothymathematics,metaphysics,philosophy,andIknownotwhatsupposedsufficiencies;ifthoucanstbuthavethepatiencetoplodenough,talk,andmakeanoiseenough,beimpudentenough,and'tisenough.
Lup.Threebookswillfurnishyou.
Tuc.Andthelessartthebetter:besides,whenitshallbeinthepowerofthychevrilconscience,todorightorwrongatthypleasure,myprettyAlcibiades.
Lup.Ay,andtohavebettermenthanhimself,bymanythousanddegrees,toobservehim,andstandbare.
Tuc.True,andhetocarryhimselfproudandstately,andhavethelawonhissidefor't,oldboy.
Ovidse.Well,thedaygrowsold,gentlemen,andImustleave
you.Publius,ifthouwiltholdmyfavour,abandontheseidle,fruitlessstudies,thatsobewitchthee.SendJanushomehisbackfaceagain,andlookonlyforwardtothelaw:intendthat.Iwillallowtheewhatshallsuittheeintherankofgentlemen,andmaintainthysocietywiththebest;andundertheseconditionsIleavethee.Myblessingslightuponthee,ifthourespectthem;ifnot,mineeyesmaydropforthee,butthineownheartwillacheforitself;andsofarewell!What,aremyhorsescome?
Lus.Yes,sir,theyareatthegatewithout.
Ovidse.That'swell.—AsiniusLupus,aword.Captain,Ishalltakemyleaveofyou?
Tuc.No,mylittleoldboy,dispatchwithCothurnusthere:I'llattendthee,I—
Lus.Toborrowsometendrachms:Iknowhisproject.[Aside.
Ovidse.Sir,youshallmakemebeholdingtoyou.Now,captainTucca,whatsayyou?
Tuc.Why,whatshouldIsay,orwhatcanIsay,myflowero'theorder?ShouldIsaythouartrich,orthatthouarthonourable,orwise,orvaliant,orlearned,orliberal?why,thouartallthese,andthouknowestit,mynobleLucullus,thouknowestit.Come,benotashamedofthyvirtues,oldstump:honour'sagoodbroochtowearinaman'shatatalltimes.Thouartthemanofwar'sMecaenas,oldboy.Whyshouldstnotthoubegracedthenbythem,aswellasheisbyhispoets?—
EnterPYRGUSandwhispersTUCCA.
Hownow,mycarrier,whatnews?
Lus.Theboyhasstayedwithinforhiscuethishalf-hour.[Aside.
Tuc.Come,donotwhispertome,butspeakitout:what;itisnotreasonagainstthestateIhope,isit?
Lus.Yes,againstthestateofmymaster'spurse.[Aside,andexit.
Pyr.[aloud.}Sir,Agrippadesiresyoutoforbearhimtillthenextweek;hismulesarenotyetcomeup.
Tuc.Hismules!nowthebots,thespavin,andtheglanders,andsomedozendiseasesmore,lightonhimandhismules!What,havetheytheyellows,hismules,thattheycomenofaster?oraretheyfoundered,ha?hismuleshavethestaggersbelike,havethey?
Pyr.Ono,sir;—thenyourtonguemightbesuspectedforoneofhismules.[Aside.
TucHeowesmealmostatalent,andhethinkstobearitawaywithhismules,doeshe?Sirrah,younutcracker,goyourwaystohimagain,andtellhimImusthavemoney,I:Icannoteatstonesandturfs,say.What,willheclemmeandmyfollowers?askhimanhewillclemme;do,go.Hewouldhavemefrymyjerkin,wouldhe?Away,setter,away.Yet,stay,mylittletumbler,thisoldboyshallsupplynow.Iwillnottroublehim,Icannotbeimportunate,I;Icannotbeimpudent.
Pyr.Alas,sir,no;youarethemostmaidenlyblushingcreatureupontheearth.[Aside.
Tuc.Dostthemhear,mylittlesixandfifty,orthereabouts?thouartnottolearnthehumoursandtricksofthatoldbaldcheater,Time;thouhastnotthischainfornothing.Menofworthhavetheirchimeras,aswellasothercreatures;andtheydoseemonsterssometimes,theydo,theydo,braveboy.
Pyr.Bettercheapthanheshallseeyou,Iwarranthim.[Aside,.
Tuc.Thoumustletmehavesix—sixdrachms,Imean,oldboy:thoushaltdoit;Itellthee,oldboy,thoushalt,andinprivatetoo,dostthousee?—Go,walkoff:[totheBoy]—There,there.Sixisthesum.Thyson'sagallantsparkandmustnotbeputoutofasudden.Comehither,Callimachus;thyfathertellsmethouarttoopoetical,boy:thoumustnotbeso;thoumustleavethem,youngnovice,thoumust;theyareasortofpoorstarvedrascals,thatareeverwraptupinfoullinen;andcanboastofnothingbutaleanvisage,peeringoutofaseam-rentsuit,theveryemblemsofbeggary.No,dosthear,turnlawyer,thoushaltbemysolicitor.—'Tisright,oldboy,is't?
Ovidse.Youwerebesttellit,captain.
Tuc.No;farethouwell,minehonesthorseman;andthou,oldbeaver.{ToLupus]—Praythee,Roman,whenthoucomesttotown,seemeatmylodging,visitmesometimes?thoushaltbe
welcome,oldboy.Donotbalkme,goodswaggerer.Jovekeepthychainfrompawning;gothyways,ifthoulackmoneyI'lllendtheesome;I'llleavetheetothyhorsenow.Adieu.
Ovidse.Farewell,goodcaptain.
Tuc.Boy,youcanhavebuthalfasharenow,boy.
[Exit,followedbyPyrgus.
Ovidse.'Tisastrangeboldnessthataccompaniesthisfellow.—Come.
Ovidju.I'llgiveattendanceonyoutoyourhorse,sir,pleaseyou.
Ovidse.No;keepyourchamber,andfalltoyourstudies;doso:ThegodsofRomeblessthee![ExitwithLupus.
Ovidju.Andgivemestomachtodigestthislaw:Thatshouldhavefollow'dsure,hadIbeenhe.O,sacredPoesy,thouspiritofarts,Thesoulofscience,andthequeenofsouls;Whatprofaneviolence,almostsacrilege,Hathherebeenofferedthydivinities!ThatthineownguiltlesspovertyshouldarmProdigiousignorancetowoundtheethus!ForthenceisalltheirforceofargumentDrawnforthagainstthee;or,fromtheabuseOfthygreatpowersinadulteratebrains:When,wouldmenlearnbuttodistinguishspiritsAndsettruedifference'twixtthosejadedwitsThatrunabrokenpaceforcommonhire,Andthehighrapturesofahappymuse,Borneonthewingsofherimmortalthought,Thatkicksatearthwithadisdainfulhcd.
Andbeatsatheavengateswithherbrighthoofs;
Theywouldnotthen,withsuchdistortedfaces,
Anddesperatecensures,stabatPoesy.
Theywouldadmirebrightknowledge,andtheirminds
Shouldne'erdescendonsounworthyobjects
Asgold,ortitles;theywoulddreadfarmore
Tobethoughtignorant,thanbeknownpoor.
Thetimewasonce,whenwitdrown'dwealth;butnow,
Youronlybarbarismist'havewit,andwant.
Nomatternowinvirtuewhoexcels,
Hethathathcoin,hathallperfectionelse.
Tib.[ivithin.]Ovid!
Ovid.Who'sthere?Comein.
EnterTIBULLUS.
Tib.Goodmorrow,lawyer.
Ovid.Goodmorrow,dearTibullus;welcome:sitdown.
Tib.NotI.What,sohardatit?Let'ssee,what'shere?Numaindecimonono!Nay,Iwillseeit—
Ovid.Pritheeaway—
Tib.Ifthriceinfieldamanvanquishhisfoe,
'Tisafterinhischoicetoserveorno.How,now,Ovid!Lawcasesinverse?
Ovid.Intruth,Iknownot;theyrunfrommypenunwittinglyiftheybeverse.What'sthenewsabroad?
Tib.Offwiththisgown;Icometohavetheewalk.
Ovid.No,goodTibullus,I'mnotnowincase.Prayletmealone.
Tib.How!notincase?Slight,thou'rtintoomuchcase,byallthislaw.
Ovid.Troth,ifIlive,IwillnewdressthelawInsprightlyPoesy'shabiliments.
Tib.Thehellthouwilt!What!turnlawintoverse?Thyfatherhasschool'dthee,Isee.Here,readthatsame;There'ssubjectforyou;and,ifImistakenot,Asupersedeastoyourmelancholy.
Ovid.How!subscribedJulia!Omylife,myheaven!
Tib.Isthemoodchanged?
Ovid.Musicofwit!noteforth'harmoniousspheres!Celestialaccents,howyouravishme!
Tib.Whatisit,Ovid?
Ovid.ThatImustmeetmyJulia,theprincessJulia.
Tib.Where?
Ovid.Why,at
Heart,I'veforgot;mypassionsotransportsme.
Tib.I'llsaveyourpains:itisatAlbius'house,Thejeweller's,wherethefairLycorislies.
Ovid.Who?Cytheris,CorneliusGallus'love?
Tib.Ay,he'llbetheretoo,andmyPlautia.
Ovid.AndwhynotyourDelia?
Tib.Yes,andyourCorinna.
Odd.True;but,mysweetTibullus,keepthatsecret?Iwouldnot,forallRome,itshouldbethoughtIveilbrightJuliaunderneaththatname:Julia,thegemandjewelofmysoul,Thattakesherhonoursfromthegoldensky,Asbeautydothalllustrefromhereye.TheairrespiresthepureElysiansweetsInwhichshebreathes,andfromherlooksdescendThegloriesofthesummer.Heavensheis,Praisedinherselfaboveallpraise;andheWhichhearsherspeak,wouldswearthetunefulorbsTurn'dinhiszenithonly.
Tib.Publius,thou'ltlosethyself.
Ovid.0,innolabyrinthcanIsafeliererr,ThanwhenIlosemyselfinpraisingher.Hence,law,andwelcomeMuses,thoughnotrich,Yetareyoupleasing:let'sbereconciled,Andnewmadeone.Henceforth,IpromisefaithAndallmyserioushourstospendwithyou;Withyou,whosemusicstrikethonmyheart,Andwithbewitchingtonesstealsforthmyspirit,InJulia'sname;fairJulia:Julia'sloveShallbealaw,andthatsweetlawI'llstudy,ThelawandartofsacredJulia'slove:Allotherobjectswillbutabjectsprove.
Tib.Come,weshallhavetheeaspassionateasPropertius,anon.
Ovid.0,howdoesmySextus?
Tib.Faith,fullofsorrowforhisCynthia'sdeath.
Ovid.What,still?
Tib.Still,andstillmore,hisgriefsdogrowuponhimAsdohishours.NeverdidIknowAnunderstandingspiritsotaketoheartThecommonworkofFate.
Ovid.O,myTibullus,
Letusnotblamehim;foragainstsuchchancesTheheartieststrifeofvirtueisnotproof.WemayreadconstancyandfortitudeToothersouls;buthadourselvesbeenstruckWiththelikeplanet,hadourloves,likehis,Beenravish'dfromusbyinjuriousdeath,Andintheheightandheatofourbestdays,Itwouldhavecrack'doursinewrs,shrunkourveins,Andmadeourveryheart-stringsjar,likehis.Come,let'sgotakehimforth,andproveifmirthOrcompanywillbutabatehispassion.
Tib.Content,andIimplorethegodsitmay.[Exeunt.
ACTII
SCENEI.—ARoominALBIUS'SHouse.EnterALBITJSandCRISPINUS.
Alb.MasterCrispinus,youarewelcome:prayuseastool,sir.YourcousinCytheriswillcomedownpresently.Wearesobusyforthereceivingofthesecourtiershere,thatIcanscarcebeaminutewithmyself,forthinkingofthem:Prayyousit,sir;prayyousit,sir.
Crisp.Iamverywell,sir.Nevertrustme,butyouraremostdelicatelyseatedhere,fullofsweetdelightandblandishment!anexcellentair,anexcellentair!
Alb.Ay,sir,'tisaprettyair.Thesecourtiersruninmymindstill;Imustlookout.ForJupiter'ssake,sit,sir;orpleaseyouwalkintothegarden?There'sagardenontheback-side.
Crisp.Iammoststrenuouslywell,Ithankyou,sir.
Alb.Muchgooddoyou,sir.
EnterCHLOE,withtwoMaids.
Chloe.Come,bringthoseperfumesforwardalittle,andstrewsomerosesandvioletshere:Fie!hereberoomssavourthemostpitifullyrankthateverIfelt.Icrythegodsmercy,[seesAlbius.]myhusband'sinthewindofus!
Alb.Why,thisisgood,excellent,excellent!wellsaid,mysweetChloe;trimupyourhousemostobsequiously.
Chloe.ForVulcan'ssake,breathesomewhereelse;introthyouovercomeourperfumesexceedingly;youaretoopredominant.
Alb.Hearbutmyopinion,sweetwife.
Chloe.Apinforyourpinion!Insincerity,ifyoubethusfulsometomeineverything,I'llbedivorced.Godsmybody!youknowwhatyouwerebeforeImarriedyou;Iwasagentlewomanborn,I;Ilostallmyfriendstobeacitizen'swife,becauseIheard,indeed,theykepttheirwivesasfineasladies;andthatwemightruleourhusbandslikeladies,anddowhatwelisted;doyouthinkIwouldhavemarriedyouelse?
Alb.Iacknowledge,sweetwife:—shespeaksthebestofanywomaninItaly,andmovesasmightily;whichmakesme,Ihadrathersheshouldmakebumpsonmyhead,asbigasmytwofingers,thanIwouldoffendher.—But,sweetwife—
Chloe.Yetagain!Isitnotgraceenoughforyou,thatIcallyouhusband,andyoucallmewife;butyoumuststillbepokingme,againstmywill,tothings?
Alb.Butyouknow,wife,herearethegreatestladies,andgallantestgentlemenofRome,tobeentertainedinourhousenow;andIwouldfainadvisetheetoentertaintheminthebestsort,i'faith,wife.
Chloe.Insincerity,didyoueverhearamantalksoidly?You
wouldseemtobemaster!youwouldhaveyourspokeinmycart!youwouldadvisemetoentertainladiesandgentlemen!Becauseyoucanmarshalyourpack-needles,horse-combs,
hobby-horses,andwall-candlesticksinyourwarehousebetterthanI,thereforeyoucantellhowtoentertainladiesandgentlefolksbetterthanI?
.4/6.0,mysweetwife,upbraidmenotwiththat;gainsavourssweetlyfromanything;hethatrespectstoget,mustrelishallcommoditiesalike,andadmitnodifferencebetweenoadeandfrankincense,orthemostpreciousbalsamumandatar-barrel.
Chloe.Marry,foh!yousellsnufferstoo,ifyouberemember'd;butIprayyouletmebuythemoutofyourhand;for,Itellyoutrue,Itakeithighlyinsnuff,tolearnhowtoentertaingentlefolksofyou,attheseyears,i'faith.Alas,man,therewasnotagentlemancametoyourhouseinyourt'otherwife'stime,Ihope!noralady,normusic,normasques!Noryounoryourhouseweresomuchasspokenof,beforeIdisbasedmyself,frommyhoodandmyfarthingal,tothesebum-rowlsandyourwhale-bonebodice.
Alb.Lookhere,mysweetwife;Iammum,mydearmummia,
mybalsamum,myspermaceti,andmyverycityofShehas
themostbest,true,femininewitinRome!
Cris.Ihaveheardso,sir;anddomostvehementlydesiretoparticipatetheknowledgeofherfairfeatures.
Alb.Ah,peace;youshallhearmoreanon:benotseenyet,Iprayyou;notyet:observe.[Exit.
Chloe.'Sbody!givehusbandstheheadalittlemore,andthey'llbenothingbutheadshortly:What'shethere?
1Maid.Iknownot,forsooth.
2Maid.Whowouldyouspeakwith,sir?Cris.IwouldspeakwithmycousinCytheris.
2Maid.Heisone,forsooth,wouldspeakwithhiscousinCytheris.
Chloe.Issheyourcousin,sir?
Cris.[comingforward.}Yes,intruth,forsooth,forfaultofabetter.
Chloe.Sheisagentlewoman.
Cris.Orelsesheshouldnotbemycousin,Iassureyou.
Chloe.Areyouagentlemanborn?
Cris.ThatIam,lady;youshallseeminearms,ifitpleaseyou.
Chloe.No,yourlegsdosufficientlyshewyouareagentlemanborn,sir;foramanborneuponlittlelegs,isalwaysagentlemanborn.
Cris.Yet,Iprayyou,vouchsafethesightofmyarms,mistress;forIbearthemaboutme,tohavethemseen:MynameisCrispins,orCrispinasindeed;whichiswellexpressedinmyarms;afacecryinginchief;andbeneathitabloodytoe,betweenthreethornspungent.
Chloe.Thenyouarewelcome,sir:nowyouareagontlomnnborn,Icanfindinmyhearttowelcomeyou;forIamagentlewomanborntoo,andwillbearmyheadhighenough,though'tweremyfortunetomarryatradesman.
Cris.Nodoubtofthat,sweetfeature;yourcarriageshewsitinanyman'seye,thatiscarrieduponyouwithjudgment.
Re-enterALBITJS.
Alb.Dearwife,benotangry.
Chloe.Godsmypassion!
Alb.Hearmebutonething;letnotyourmaidssetcushionsintheparlourwindows,norinthedining-chamberwindows;noruponstools,ineitherofthem,inanycase;for'tistavern-like:butlaythemoneuponanother,insomeout-roomorcornerofthedining-chamber.
Chloe.Go,go;meddlewithyourbed-chamberonly;orratherwithyourbedinyourchamberonly;orratherwithyourwifeinyourbedonly;oronmyfaithI'llnotbepleasedwithyouonly.
Alb.Lookhere,mydearwife,entertainthatgentlemankindly,Ipritheemum.[Exit.
Chloe.Go,Ineedyourinstructionsindeed!angermenomore,Iadviseyou.Citi-sin,quotha!she'sawisegentlewoman,i'faith,willmarryherselftothesinofthecity.
Alb.[re-entering.]Butthistime,andnomore,byheav'n,wife:hangnopicturesinthehall,norinthedining-chamber,inanycase,butinthegalleryonly;for'tisnotcourtlyelse,o'myword,wife.
Chloe.'Sprecious,neverhavedone!
Alb.Wife-[Exit.
Chloe.DoInotbearareasonablecorrigiblehandoverhim,Crispinus?
Cris.Bythishand,lady,youholdamostsweethandoverhim.
Alb.[re-entering.]Andthen,forthegreatgiltandirons—
Chloe.Again!Wouldtheandironswereinyourgreatgutsforme!
Alb.Idovanish,wife.[Exit.
Chloe.HowshallIdo,masterCrispinus?herewillbeallthebravestladiesincourtpresently
toseeyourcousinCytheris:Othegods!howmightIbehavemyselfnow,astoentertainthemmostcourtly?
Cris.Marry,lady,ifyouwillentertainthemmostcourtly,youmustdothus:assoonaseveryourmaidoryourmanbringsyouwordtheyarecome,youmustsay,Apoxon'em!whatdotheyhere?Andyet,whentheycome,speakthemasfair,andgivethemthekindestwelcomeinwordsthatcanbe.
Chloe.Isthatthefashionofcourtiers,Crispinus?
Cris.Iassureyouitis,lady;Ihaveobservedit.
Chloe.Foryourpox,sir,itiseasilyhiton;butitisnotsoeasytospeakfairafter,methinks.
Alb.[re-entering.~\0,wife,thecoachesarecome,onmyword;anumberofcoachesandcourtiers.
Chloe.Apoxonthem!whatdotheyhere?
Alb.Hownow,wife!would'stthounothavethemcome?
Chloe.Come!come,youareafool,you.—Heknowsnotthe
trickon't.CallCytheris,Iprayyou:and,goodmasterCrispinus,youcanobserve,yousay;letmeentreatyouforalltheladies'behaviours,jewels,jests,andattires,thatyoumarking,aswellasI,wemayputbothourmarkstogether,whentheyaregone,andconferofthem.
Cris.Iwarrantyou,sweetlady;letmealonetoobservetillIturnmyselftonothingbutobservation.—
EnterCYTHERIS.
Goodmorrow,cousinCytheris.
Cyth.Welcome,kindcousin.What!aretheycome?
Alb.Ay,yourfriendCorneliusGallus,Ovid,Tibullus,Propertius,withJulia,theemperor'sdaughter,andtheladyPlautia,are'lightedatthedoor;andwiththemHermogenesTigellius,theexcellentmusician.
Cyth.Come,letusgomeetthem,Chloe.
Chloe.Observe,Crispinus.
Crisp.Atahair'sbreadth,lady,Iwarrantyou.
,4stheyaregoingout,enterCORNELIUSGALLUS,OVID,TIBULLUS,PROPERTIUS,HERMOGEXES,JULIA,andPLAUTIA.
Gal.HealthtothelovelyChloe!youmustpardonme,mistress,thatIpreferthisfairgentlewoman.
Cyth.Ipardonandpraiseyouforit,sir;andIbeseechyourexcellence,receiveherbeautiesintoyourknowledgeandfavour.
Jul.Cytheris,shehathfavourandbehaviour,thatcommandsasmuchofme:and,sweetChloe,knowIdoexceedinglyloveyou,andthatIwillapproveinanygracemyfathertheemperormayshewyou.Isthisyourhusband?
Alb.Forfaultofabetter,ifitpleaseyourhighness.
Chloe.Godsmylife,howheshamesme!
Cyth.Notawhit,Chloe,theyallthinkyoupoliticandwitty;wisewomenchoosenothusbandsfortheeye,merit,orbirth,butwealthandsovereignty.
Ovid.Sir,weallcometogratulate,forthegoodreportofyou.
Tib.Andwouldbegladtodeserveyourlove,sir.
Alb.Mywifewillansweryouall,gentlemen;I'llcometoyouagainpresently.[Exit.
Plau.Youhavechosenyouamostfaircompanionhere,Cytheris,andaveryfairhouse.
Cyth.Tobothwhich,youandallmyfriendsareverywelcome,Plautia.
Chl»e.Withallmyheart,Iassureyourladyship.
Plau.Thanks,sweetmistressChloe.
Jul.Youmustneedscometocourt,lady,i'faith,andtherebesureyourwelcomeshallbeasLrn-utt<>u^.
Ovid.Shewilldeserveit,madam;Isee,eveninherlooks,gentry,andgeneralworthiness.
Tib.Ihavenotseenamorecertaincharacterofanexcellentdisposition.
Alb.[re-entering.~\Wife!
Cliloe.O,theydosocommendmehere,thecourtiers!what'sthematternow?
Alb.Forthebanquet,sweetwife.
Cliloe.Yes;andImustneedscometocourt,andbewelcome,theprincesssays.[ExitwithAlbius.
Gal.OvidandTibullus,youmaybeboldtowelcomeyourmistresshere.
Ovid.Wefinditso,sir.
Tib.AndthankCorneliusGallus.
Ovid.Nay,mysweetSextus,infaiththouartnotsociable.
Prop.InfaithIamnot,Publius;norIcannot.Sickmindsarelikesickmenthatburnwithfevers,Whowhentheydrink,pleasebutapresenttaste,Andafterbearamoreimpatientfit.Prayletmeleaveyou;Ioffendyouall,Andmyselfmost.
Gal.Stay,sweetPropertius.
Tib.Youyieldtoomuchuntoyourgriefsandfate,Whichneverhurts,butwhenwesayithurtsus.
Prop.Opeace,Tibullus;yourphilosophyLendsyoutooroughahandtosearchmywounds.Speaktheyofgriefs,thatknowtosighandgrieve:ThefreeandunconstrainedspiritfeelaNoweightofmyoppression.[Exit.
Ovid.WorthyRoman!MethinksItastehismisery,andcouldSitdown,andchideathismalignantstars.
Jnl.MethinksIlovehim,thathelovessotruly.
Cyih.Thisistheperfect'stlove,livesafterdeath.
Gal.Suchistheconstantgroundofvirtuestill.
Plan.Itputsonaninseparableface.
Re-enterCHLOE.
Cliloe.Haveyoumark'deverything,Crispinus?
Cris.Everything,Iwarrantyou.
Chloe.Whatgentlemenarethese?doyouknowthem?
Cris.Ay,theyarepoets,lady.
Chloe.Poets!theydidnottalkofmesinceIwent,didthey?
Cris.0yes,andextolledyourperfectionstotheheavens.
Chloe.NowinsinceritytheybethefinestkindofmenthateverIknew:Poets!Couldnotonegettheemperortomakemyhusbandapoet,thinkyou?
Cris.No,lady,'tisloveandbeautymakepoets:andsinceyoulikepoetssowell,yourloveandbeautiesshallmakemeapoet.
Chloe.What!shallthey?andsuchaoneasthese?
Cris.Ay,andabetterthanthese:Iwouldbesorryelse.
Chine.Andshallyourlookschange,andyourhairchange,andall,likethese?
Cris.Why,amanmaybeapoet,andyetnotchangehishair,lady.
Chloe.Well,weshallseeyourcunning:yet,ifyoucanchangeyourhair,Ipraydo.
Re-enterALBIUS.
Alb.Ladies,andlordlings,there'saslightbanquetstayswithinforyou;pleaseyoudrawnear,andaccostit.
Jul.Wethankyou,goodAlbius:butwhenshallweseethoseexcellentjewelsyouarecommendedtohave?
Alb.Atyourladyship'sservice.—Igotthatspeechbyseeingaplaylastday,anditdidmesomegracenow:Isee,'tisgoodtocollectsometimes;I'llfrequenttheseplaysmorethanIhavedone,nowIcometobefamiliarwithcourtiers.[Aside.
Gal.Why,hownow,Hermogenes?whatailestthou,trow?
Her.Alittlemelancholy;letmealone,prithee.
Gal.Melancholy1howso?
Her.Withriding:aplagueonallcoachesforme!
Chloe.Isthathard-favour'dgentlemanapoettoo,Cytheris?
Cyth.No,thisisHermogenes:ashumorousasapoet,though:heisamusician.
Chloe.Amusician!thenhecansing.
Cyth.Thathecan,excellently;didyouneverhearhim?
Chloe.Ono:willhebeentreated,thinkyou?
Cyth.Iknownot.—Friend,mistressChloewouldfainhearHermogenessing:areyouinterestedinhim?
Gal.Nodoubt,hisownhumanitywillcommandhimsofar,tothesatisfactionofsofairabeauty;butratherthanfail,we'llallbesuitorstohim.
Her.'Cannotsing.
Gal.Prithee,Hermogenes.
Her.'Cannotsing.
Gal.Forhonourofthisgentlewoman,towhosehouseIknowthoumayestbeeverwelcome.
Chloe.Thatheshall,intruth,sir,ifhecansing.
Ovid.What'sthat?
Gal.ThisgentlewomaniswooingHermogenesforasong.
Ovid.Asong!come,heshallnotdenyher.Hermogenes!
Her.'Cannotsing.
Gal.No,theladiesmustdoit;hestaysbuttohavetheirthanksacknowledgedasadebttohiscunning.
Jul.Thatshallnotwant;ourselfwillbethefirstshallpromisetopayhimmorethanthanks,uponafavoursoworthilyvouchsafed.
Her.Thankyou,madam;but'willnotsing.
Tib.Tut,theonlywaytowinhim,istoabstainfromentreatinghim.
Cris.Doyoulovesinging,lady?
Chloe.0,pnssingly.
Cris.Entreattheladiestoentreatmetosingthen,Ibeseechyou.
Chloe.Ibeseechyourgrace,entreatthisgentlemantosing.
Jul,Thatwewill,Chloe;canhesingexcellently?
Chloe.Ithinkso,madam;forheentreatedmetoentreatyoutoentreathimtosing.
Cris.Heavenandearth!wouldyoutellthat?
Jul.Good,sir,let'sentreatyoutouseyourvoice.
Cris.Alas,madam,Icannot,intruth.
Pla.Thegentlemanismodest:Iwarrantyouhesingsexcellently.
Ovid.Hermogenes,clearyourthroat:Iseebyhim,here'sagentlemanwillworthilychallengeyou.
Cris.NotI,sir,I'llchallengenoman.
Tib.That'syourmodesty,sir;butwe,outofanassuranceofyourexcellency,challengehiminyourbehalf.
Cris.Ithankyou,gentlemen,I'lldomybest.
Her.Letthatbestbegood,sir,youwerebest.
Gal.0,thiscontentionisexcellent!Whatis'tyousing,sir?
Cris.IfIfreelymaydiscover,sir;I'llsingthat.
Ovid.Oneofyourowncompositions,Hermogenes.Heoffersyouvantageenough.
Cris.Nay,truly,gentlemen,I'llchallengenoman.—Icansingbutonestaffofthedittyneither.
Gal.Thebetter:Hermogeneshimselfwillbeentreatedtosingtheother.
CRISPTNUSsings.
IfIfreelymaydiscover
Whatwouldpleasemeinmylover,
Iwouldhaveherfairandwitty,
Savouringmoreofcourtthancity;
Alittleproud,butfullofpity:
Lightandhumorousinhertoying,
Oftbuildinghopes,andsoondestroying,
Long,butsweetintheenjoying;
Neithertooeasynortoohard:
AllextremesIwouldhavebarr'd.
Gal.Believeme,sir,yousingmostexcellently.
Ovid.Iftherewereapraiseaboveexcellence,thegentlemanhighlydeservesit.
Her.Sir,allthisdothnotyetmakemeenvyyou;forIknowIsingbetterthanyou.
Tib.AttendHermogenes,now.
HERMOGENES,accompanied.
Sheshouldbeallow'dherpassions,Sotheywerebutusedasfashions;Sometimesfroward,andthenfrowning,Sometimessickishandthenswowning,
Everyfitwithchangestillcrowning.PurelyjealousIwouldhaveher,ThenonlyconstantwhenIcraveher:'Tisavirtueshouldnotsaveher.Thus,norherdelicateswouldcloyme,Neitherherpeevishnessannoyme.
Jul.Nay,Hermogenes,yourmerithathlongsincebeenbothknownandadmiredofus.
Her,Youshallhearmesinganother.NowwillIbegin.
Gal.Weshalldothisgentleman'sbanquettoomuchwrong,thatstairsforus,ladies.
Jul.'Tistrue;andwellthoughton,CorneliusGallus.
Her.Why,'tisbutashortair,'twillbedonepresently,praystay:strike,music.
Ovid.No,goodHemogenes;we'llendthisdifferencewithin.
Jul.'Tisthecommondiseaseofallyourmusicians,thattheyknownomean,tobeentreatedeithertobeginorend.
Alb.Pleaseyouleadtheway,gentles.
All.Thanks,goodAlbius.[ExeuntallbutAlbius.
Alb.0,whatacharmofthankswashereputuponme!OJove,whatasettingforthitistoamantohavemanycourtierscometohishouse!Sweetlywasitsaidofagoodoldhousekeeper,/hadratherwantmeat,thanwantguests;especially,iftheybecourtlyguests.For,nevertrustme,ifoneoftheirgoodlegsmadeinahousebenotworthallthegoodcheeramancanmakethem.Hethatwouldhavefineguests,lethimhaveafinewife!hethatwouldhaveafinewife,lethimcometome.
Re-enterCRISPINUS.
Cris.Byyourkindleave,masterAlbius.
Alb.What,youarenotgone,masterCrispinus?
Cris.Yes,faith,Ihaveadesigndrawsmehence:pray,sir,fashionmeanexcusetotheladies.
Alb.Willyounotstayandseethejewels,sir?Iprayyoustay.
Cris.Notforamillion,sir,now.Letitsuffice,Imustrelinquish;andso,inaword,pleaseyoutoexpiatethiscompliment.
Alb..Alum.[Exit.
Cris.I'llpresentlygoandenghlesomebrokerforapoet'sgown,andbespeakagarland:andthen,jeweller,looktoyourbestjewol,i'faith.[£>//.
ACTIII
SCENEI.—TheViaSacra(orHolyStreet}.EnterHORACE,CRISPINUSfollowing.
Hor.Umph!yes,Iwillbeginanodeso;anditshallbetoMecsenas.
Cris.'Slid,yonder'sHorace!theysayhe'sanexcellentpoet:Mecsenasloveshim.I'llfallintohisacquaintance,ifIcan;Ithinkhebecomposingashegoesinthestreet!ha!'tisagoodhumour,ifhebe:I'llcomposetoo.
Hor.Sivellmeabowlwithlustywine,
TillImayseetheplumpLyceusswim
Abovethebrim:IdrinkasIwouldwrite,InflowingmeasureftlVdwithftameandsprite.
Cris.SweetHorace,MinervaandtheMusesstandauspicioustothydesigns!Howfarestthou,sweetman?frolic?rich?gallant?ha!
Hor.Notgreatlygallant,sir;likemyfortunes,well:Iamboldtotakemyleave,sir;you'llnoughtelse,sir,wouldyou?
Cris.Troth,no,butIcouldwishthoudidstknowus,Horace;weareascholar,Iassurethee.
Hor.Ascholar,sir!Ishallbecovetousofyourfairknowledge.
Cris.Gramercy,goodHorace.Nay,wearenewturn'dpoettoo,whichismore;andasatiristtoo,whichismorethanthat:Iwritejustinthyvein,I.Iamforyourodes,oryoursermons,oranythingindeed;weareagentlemanbesides;ournameisRufusLaberiusCrispinus;weareaprettyStoictoo.
Hor.Totheproportionofyourbeard,Ithinkit,sir.
Cris.ByPhoebus,here'samostneat,finestreet,is'tnot?Iprotesttothee,Iamenamouredofthisstreetnow,morethanofhalfthestreetsofRomeagain;'tissopoliteandterse!there'sthefrontofabuildingnow!Istudyarchitecturetoo:ifeverIshouldbuild,I'dhaveahousejustofthatprospective.
Hor.Doubtless,thisgallant'stonguehasagoodturn,whenhesleeps.[Aside.
Cris.Idomakeverses,whenIcomeinsuchastreetasthis:O,yourcityladies,youshallhavethemsitineveryshoplikethe
MusesofferingyoutheCastaliandews,andtheThespianliquors,
toasmanyashavebutthesweetgraceandaudacityto-—sipoftheirlips.Didyouneverhearanyofmyverses?
Hor.No,sir;—butIaminsomefearImustnow.[Aside.
Cris.I'lltelltheesome,ifIcanbutrecoverthem,IcomposedevennowofadressingIsawa
jeweller'swifewear,whoindeedwasajewelherself:Ipreferthatkindoftirenow;what'sthyopinion,
Horace?
Hor.Withyoursilverbodkin,itdoeswell,sir.
Cris.Icannottell;butitstirsmemorethanallyourcourt-curls,
oryourspangles,oryourtricks:Iaffectnotthesehighgable-ends,theseTuscantops,noryourcoronets,noryourarches,noryourpyramids;givemeafine,sweet—littledelicatedressingwithabodkin,asyousay;andamushroomforallyourotherornatures!
Hor.Isitnotpossibletomakeanescapefromhim?[Aside.
Cris.Ihaveremittedmyversesallthiswhile;IthinkIhaveforgotthem.
Hor.Here'shecouldwishyouhadelse.[Aside.
Cris.PrayJoveIcanentreatthemofmymemory!
Hor.Youputyourmemorytotoomuchtrouble,sir.
Cris.No,sweetHorace,wemustnothavetheethinkso.
Hor.Icryyoumercy;thentheyaremyearsThatmustbetortured:well,youmusthavepatience,ears.
Cris.Praythee,Horace,observe.
Hor.Yes,sir;yoursatinsleevebeginstofretattherugthatisunderneathit,Idoobserve:andyouramplevelvetbasesarenotwithoutevidentstainsofahotdispositionnaturally.
Cris.0—I'lldyethemintoanothercolour,atpleasure:Howmanyyardsofvelvetdostthouthinktheycontain?
Hor.'Heart!IhaveputhimnowinafreshwayTovexmemore:—faith,sir,yourmercer'sbookWilltellyouwithmorepatiencethanIcan:—ForIamcrost,andso'snotthat,Ithink.
Cris.'Slight,theseverseshavelostmeagain!Ishallnotinvitethemtomind,now.
Hor.Racknotyourthoughts,goodsir;ratherdeferitToanewtime;I'llmeetyouatyourlodging,Orwhereyouplease:'tillthen,Jovekeepyou,sir!
Cris.Xay,gentleHorace,stay;Ihaveitnow.
Hor.Yes,sir.Apollo,Hermes,Jupiter,Lookdownuponme.[Aside.
Cris.Richwasthyhap,sweetdaintycap,Theretobeplaced;
Wherethysmoothblack,sleekwhitemaysmack,
Andbothbegraced.
\Vhiteisthereusurp'dforherbrow;herforehead:andthensleek,astheparalleltosmooth,thatwentbefore.Akindofparanomasie,oragnomination:doyouconceive,sir?
Hor.Excellent.Troth,sir,Imustbeabrupt,andleaveyou.
Cris.Why,whathastehastthou?prithee,stayalittle;thoushaltnotgoyet,byPhoabus.
Hor.Ishallnot!whatremedy?fie,howIsweatwithsuffering!
Cris.Andthen—
Unr.I'ray,sir,givemeleavetowipemyfacealittle.
Cris.Yes,do,goodHorace.
Hor.Thankyou,sir.
Death!Imustcravehisleavetop—anon;')rth.itIniavLrohencewithhalfmyteeiIaminsomesuchfear.Thistyranny
Isstrange,totakemineearsupbycommission,
(WhetherIwillorno,)andmakethemstalls
Tohislewdsolecisms,andwordedtrash.
Happythou,boldBolanus,nowIsay;
Whosefreedom,andimpatienceofthisfellow,
Would,longerethis,havecall'dhimfool,andfool,
Andrankandtediousfool!andhaveflungjests
Ashardasstones,tillthouhadstpeltedhim
Outoftheplace;whilstmytamemodesty
Suffersmywitbemadeasolemnass,
Tobearhisfopperies—[Aside.
Gris.Horace,thouartmiserablyaffectedtobegone,Isee.But—pritheelet'sprovetoenjoytheeawhile.Thouhastnobusiness,Iassureme.WTiitheristhyjourneydirected,ha?
Hor.Sir,Iamgoingtovisitafriendthat'ssick.
CrisAfriend!whatishe;donotIknowhim?
Hor.No,sir,youdonotknowhim;and'tisnottheworseforhim.
Cris.What'shisname?whereishelodged?
Hor.WhereIshallbefearfultodrawyououtofyourway,sir;agreatwayhence;pray,sir,let'spart.
Cris.Nay,butwhereis't?Ipritheesay.
Hor.OnthefarsideofallTyberyonder,byCaesar'sgardens.
Cris.O,that'smycoursedirectly;Iamforyou.Come,go;whystand'stthou?
Hor.Yes,sir:marry,theplagueisinthatpartofthecity;Ihadalmostforgottotellyou,sir.
Cris.Foh!itisnomatter,Ifearnopestilence;IhavenotoffendedPhoebus.
Hor.Ihave,itseems,orelsethisheavyscourgeCouldne'erhavelightedonme.
Cris.Comealong.
Hor.Iamtogodownsomehalfmilethisway,sir,first,tospeakwithhisphysician;andfromthencetohisapothecary,whereIshallstaythemixingofdiversdrugs.
Cris.Why,it'sallone,Ihavenothingtodo,andIlovenottobeidle;I'llbeartheecompany.Howcall'stthoutheapothecary?
Hor.OthatIknewanamewouldfrighthimnow!—Sir,Rhadamanthus,Rhadamanthus,sir.There'sonesocalled,isajustjudgeinhell,AnddothinflictstrangevengeanceonallthoseThathereonearthtormentpoorpatientspirits.
Cris.HedwellsattheThreeFuries,byJanus'stemple.
Hor.Yourpothecarydoes,sir.
Cris.Heart,Iowehimmoneyforsweetmeats,andhehaslaidtoarrestme,Ihear:but—
Hor.Sir,Ihavemadeamostsolemnvow,Iwillneverbailanyman.
Cris.Wellthen,I'llswear,andspeakhimfair,iftheworstcome.ButhisnameisMinos,notRhadamanthus,Horace.
Hor.Thatmaybe,sir,Ibutguess'dathisnamebyhissign.ButyourMinosisajudgetoo,sir.
Cris.Iprotesttothee,Horace,(dobuttastemeonce,)ifIdoknowmyself,andmineownvirtuestruly,thouwiltnotmakethatesteemofVarius,orVirgil,orTibullus,oranyof'emindeed,asnowinthyignorancethoudost;whichIamcontenttoforgive:Iwouldfainsee
whichofthesecouldpenmoreversesinaday,orwithmorefacility,thanI;orthatcouldcourthismistress,kissherhand,makebettersportwithherfanorherdog—
Hor.Icannotbailyouyet,sir.
Cris.Orthatcouldmovehisbodymoregracefully,ordancebetter;youshouldseeme,wereitnotinthestreet—
Hor.Noryet.
Cris.Why,Ihavebeenareveller,andatmyclothofsilversuitandmylongstocking,inmytime,andwillbeagain—
Hor.Ifyoumaybetrusted,sir.
Cris.Andthen,formysinging,Hermogeneshimselfenviesme,thatisyouronlymasterofmusicyouhaveinRome.
Hor.Isyourmotherliving,sir?
Cris.Au!convertthythoughtstosomewhatelse,Ipraythee.
Hor.Youhavemuchofthemotherinyou,sir:Yourfatherisdead?
Cris.Ay,IthankJove,andmygrandfathertoo,andallmykinsfolks,andwellcomposedintheirurns.
Hor.Themoretheirhappiness,thatrestinpeace,Freefromtheabundanttortureofthytongue:WouldIwerewiththemtoo!
Cris.What'sthat,Horace?
Hor.Inowrememberme,sir,ofasadfataAcunningwoman,oneSabella,sung,Wheninherurnshecastmydestiny,Ibeingbutachild.
Cris.Whatwasit,Ipraythee?
Hor.ShetoldmeIshouldsurelyneverperishByfamine,poison,ortheenemy'ssword;Thehecticfever,cough,orpleurisy,Shouldneverhurtme,northetardygout:Butinmytime.IshouldbeoncesurprisedByastrongtedioustalker,thatshouldvexAndalmostbringmetoconsumption:Therefore,ifIwerewise,shewarn'dmeshunAllsuchlong-windedmonstersasmybane;ForifIcouldbut'scapethatonediscourser,Imightnodoubtproveanoldagedman.—Byyourleave,sir.[Gninrj.
Cris.Tut,tut;abandonthisidlehumour,'tisnothingbutmelancholy.'ForeJove,nowIthinkon't,Iamtoappearincourthere,toanswertoonethathasmeinsuit:sweetHorace,gowithme,thisismyhour;ifInegleetit,thelawproceedsagainstme.
Thouartfamiliarwiththesethings;prithee,ifthoulov'stme,go.
Hor.Now,letmedie,sir,ifIknowyourlaws,OrhavethepowertostandstillhalfsolongIntheirloudcourts,aswhileacaseisargued.Besides,youknow,sir,whereIamtogo.Andthenecessity—
Cris.'Tistrue.
Hor.Ihopethehourofmyreleasebecome:hewill,uponthisconsideration,dischargeme,sure.
Cris.Troth,IamdoubtfulwhatImaybestdo,whethertoleavetheeormyaffairs,Horace.
Hor.OJupiter!me,sir,me,byanymeans;Ibeseechyou,me,sir.
Cris.No,faith,I'llventurethosenow;thoushaltseeIlovethee—come,Horace.
Hor.Nay,thenIamdesperate:Ifollowyou,sir.'Tishardcontendingwithamanthatovercomesthus.
Cris.AndhowdealsMecsenaswiththee?liberally,ha?isheopenhanded?bountiful?
Hor.He'sstillhimself,sir.
Cris.Troth,Horace,thouartexceedinghappyinthyfriendsandacquaintance;theyareallmostchoicespirits,andofthefirstrankofRomans:Idonotknowthatpoet,Iprotest,hasusedhisfortunemoreprosperouslythanthouhast.IfthouwouldstbringmeknowntoMecsenas,Ishouldsecondthydesertwell;thoushouldstfindagoodsureassistantofme,onethatwouldspeakallgoodoftheeinthyabsence,andbecontentwiththenextplace,notenvyingthyreputationwiththypatron.Letmenotlive,butIthinkthouandI,inasmalltime,shouldliftthemalloutoffavour,bothVirgil,Varius,andthebestofthem,andenjoyhimwhollytoourselves.
Hor.Gods,youdoknowit,Icanholdnolonger;Thisbrizehasprick'dmypatience.Sir,yoursilknessClearlymistakesMecaenasandhishouse,Tothinktherebreathesaspiritbeneathhisroof,SubjectuntothosepooraffectionsOfunderminingenvyanddetraction,Moodsonlypropertobasegrovellingminds.ThatplaceisnotinRome,Idareaffirm,Morepureorfreefromsuchlowcommonevils.There'snomangriev'd,thatthisisthoughtmorerich,Orthismorelearned;eachmanhathhisplace,Andtohismerithisrewardofgrace,Which,withamutuallove,theyallembrace.
Cris.Youreportawonder:'tisscarcecredible,this.
Hor.Iamnotorturertoenforceyoutobelieveit;butitisso.
Cris.Why,thisinflamesmewithamoreardentdesiretobehis,thanbefore;butIdoubtIshallfindtheentrancetohisfamiliaritysomewhatmorethandifficult,Horace.
ThePoetaster
257
Hor,Tut,you'llconquerhim,asyouhavedoneme;there'snostandingoutagainstyou,sir,Iseethat:e.theryourimportunity,ortheintimationofyourgoodparts,or—
Cris.Nay,I'llbribehisporter,andthegroomsofhischamber;makehisdoorsopentomethatwayfirst,andthenI'llobservemytimes.Sayheshouldextrudemehishouseto-day,shallIthereforedesist,orletfallmysuitto-morrow?No;I'llattendhim,followhim,meethiminthestreet,thehighways,runbyhiscoach,neverleavehim.What!manhathnothinggivenhiminthislifewithoutmuchlabour—
Hor.Andimpudence.Archerofheaven,Phosbus,takethybow,Andwithafull-drawnshaftnailtotheearthThisPython,thatImayyetrunhenceandlive:Or,brawnyHercules,dothoucomedown,And,tho'thoumak'stitupthythirteenthlabour,Rescuemefromthishydraofdiscoursehere.
EnterFuscusAP.ISTIUS.
Ari.Horace,wellmet.
Hor.0welcome,myreliever;Aristius,asthoulov'stme,ransomme.
Ari.Whatail'stthou,man?
Hor.'Death,IamseizedonhereByalandremora;Icannotstir,Normove,butashepleases.
Cris.Wiltthougo,Horace?
Hor.Heart!hecleavestomelikeAlcides'shirt,Tearingmyfleshandsinews:0,I'vebeenvex'dAndtorturedwithhimbeyondfortyfevers.ForJove'ssake,findsomemeanstotakemefromhim.
Ari.Yes,Iwill;—butI'llgofirstandtellMecoRiias.[A^ide.
Cris.Come,shallwego?
Ari.Thejestwillmakehiseyesrun,i'faith.[Aside.
Hor.Nay,Aristius!
Ari.Farewell,Horace.[Going.
Hor.'Death!willheleaveme?FuscusAristius!doyouhear?ClodsofRome!Yousaidyouhadsomewhattosaytomeinprivate.
Ari.Ay,butIseeyouarenowemployedwiththatgentleman;'twereoffencetotroubleyou;I'lltakesomefitteropportunity:farewell.[Exit.
Unr.Mischiefandtorment!Omysoulandheart,Howareyoucramp'dwithanguish!DeathitselfI'.ringsnotthelikeconvulsions.O,thisday!ThateverIsinmidviewthytediousface.—
Cris.Horace,whatpassion,whathumouristhis?
Afriend,andmockmethus!NeverwasmanSoleftundertheaxe.—
EnterMINOSwithtwoLictors.
Hownow?
Min.That'sheintheembroideredhat,there,withtheash-colour'dfeather:hisnameisLaberiusCrispinus.
Lict.LaberiusCrispinus,Iarrestyouintheemperor'sname.
Cris.Me,sir!doyouarrestme?
Lict.Ay,sir,atthesuitofmasterMinostheapothecary.
Hor.Thanks,greatApollo,Iwillnotslipthyfavourofferedmeinmyescape,formyfortunes.[Exithastily.
Cris.MasterMinos!IknownomasterMinos.Where'sHorace?Horace!Horace!
Min.Sir,donotyouknowme?
Cris.Oyes,Iknowyou,masterMinos;cryyoumercy.ButHorace?God'sme,ishegone?
Min.Ay,andsowouldyoutoo,ifyouknewhow.—Officer,looktohim.
Cris.Doyouhear,masterMinos?prayletusbeusedlikeamanofourownfashion.ByJanusandJupiter,Imeanttohavepaidyounextweekeverydrachm.Seeknottoeclipsemyreputationthusvulgarly.
Min.Sir,youroathscannotserveyou;youknowIhaveforborneyoulong.
Cris.Iamconsciousofit,sir.Nay,Ibeseechyou,gentlemen,donotexhalemethus,remember'tisbutforsweetmeats—
Lict.Sweetmeatmusthavesoursauce,sir.Comealong.
Cris.SweetmasterMinos,Iamforfeitedtoeternaldisgrace,ifyoudonotcommiserate.Goodofficer,benotsoofficious.
EnterTUCCAandPyrgi.
Tuc.Why,hownow,mygoodbraceofbloodhounds,whitherdoyoudragthegentleman?Youmongrels,youcurs,youban-dogs!wearecaptainTuccathattalktoyou,youinhumanpilchers.
Min.Sir,heistheirprisoner.
Tuc.Theirpestilence!Whatareyou,sir?
Min.AcitizenofHome,sir.
Tuc.Thenyouarenotfardistantfromafool,sir.
Min.Apothecary,sir.
Tuc.Iknewthouwastnotaphysician:foh!outofmynostrils,thoustink'stoflotiumandthesyringe;away,quack-salver!—Follower,mysword.
1Pyr.Here,nobleleader;you'lldonoharmwithit,I'lltrustjou.[Aside.
Tuc.Doyouhear,yougoodman,slave?Hook,ram,rogue,catchpole,loosethegentleman,orbymyvelvetarms—
Lict.Whatwillyoudo,sir?
[Strikesuphisheels,andseizeshissword.
Tuc.Kissthyhand,myhonourableactivevarlet,andembracetheethus.
1Pyr.0patientmetamorphosis!Tuc.Mysword,mytallrascal.
Lid.Nay,soft,sir;somewiserthansomfi.
Tuc.What!andawittoo?ByPluto,thoumustbecherish'd,slave;here'sthreedrachmsforthee;hold.
2Pyr.There'shalfhislendingsgone.Tuc.Giveme.
Lid.No,sir,yourfirstwordshallstand;I'llholdall.
Tuc.Nay,butrogue—
Lid.Youwouldmakearescueofourprisoner,sir,you.
Tuc.Iarescue!Away,inhumanvarlet.Come,come,Ineverrelishaboveonejestatmost;donotdisgustme,sirrah;donot,rogue!Itellthee,rogue,donot.
Lid.How,sir!rogue?
Tuc.Ay;why,thouartnotangry,rascal,artthou?
Lid.Icannottell,sir;Iamlittlebetterupontheseterms.
Tuc.Ha,godsandfiends!why,dosthear,rogue,thou?givemethyhand;Isayuntothee,thyhand,rogue.What,dostnotthouknowme?notme,rogue?notcaptainTucca,rogue?
Min.Come,praysurrenderthegentlemanhissword,officer;we'llhavenofightinghere.
Tuc.What'sthyname?
Min.Minos,an'tpleaseyou.
Tuc.Minos!Comehither,Minos;thouartawisefellow,itseems;letmetalkwiththee.
Cris.WaseverwretchsowretchedasunfortunateI!
Tuc.Thouartoneofthecentumviri,oldboy,artnot?
Min.Noindeed,mastercaptain.
Tuc.Goto,thoushaltbethen;I'llhavetheeone,Minos.Takemyswordfromtheserascals,dostthousee!go,doit;Icannotattemptwithpatience.Whatdoesthisgentlemanowethee,littleMinos?
Min.Fourscoresesterties,sir.
Tuc.What,nomore!Come,thoushaltreleasehim,Minos:what,I'llbehisbail,thoushalttakemyword,oldboy,andcashierthesefuries:thoushaltdo't,Isay,thoushalt,littleMinos,thoushalt.
Cris.Yes;andasIamagentlemanandareveller,I'llmakeapieceofpoetry,andabsolveall,withinthesefivedays.
Tuc.Come,Minosisnottolearnhowtouseagentlemanofquality,Iknow.—Mysword:Ifhepaytheenot,Iwill,andImust,oldboy.Thouhaltbemypothecarytoo.Hastgooderingos,Minos?
Mn.ThebestinRome,sir.
Tuc.Goto,thenVermin,knowthehouse.
1Pyr.Iwarrantyou,colonel.TucForthisgentleman,Minos—Min.I'lltakeyourword,captain.
Tuc.Thouhastit.Mysword.
Min.Yes,sir:Butyoumustdischargethearrest,masterCrispinus.
Tuc.How,Minos!Lookinthegentleman'sface,andbutreadhissilence.Pay,pay;'tishonour,Minos.
Cris.ByJove,sweetcaptain,youdomostinfinitelyendearandobligemetoyou.
Tuc.Tut,Icannotcompliment,byMars;but,Jupiterloveme.asIlovegoodwordsandgoodclothes,andthere'sanend.Thoushaltgivemyboythatgirdleandhangers,whenthouhastwornthemalittlemore.
Cris.0Jupiter!captain,heshallhavethemnow,presently:—Pleaseyoutobeacceptive,younggentleman.
1Pyr.Yes,sir,fearnot;Ishallaccept;Ihaveaprettyfoolishhumouroftaking,ifyouknewall.[Aside.
Tuc.Notnow,voushallnottake,bov.
7•/\,
Cris.Bymytruthandearnest,butheshall,captain,byyourleave.
Tuc.Nay,anheswearbyhistruthandearnest,takeit,boy:donotmakeagentlemanforsworn.
Lict.Well,sir,there'syoursword;butthankmasterMinos;youhadnotcarrieditasyoudoelse.
*/
Tuc.Minosisjust,andyouareknaves,and—
Lict.Whatsayyou,sir?
Tuc.Passon,mygoodscoundrel,passon,Ihonourthee:[ExeuntLictors.]ButthatIhatetohaveactionwithsuchbaseroguesasthese,youshouldhaveseenmeunriptheirnosesnow,andhavesentthemtothenextbarber'stostitching;fordoyousee—Iamamanofhumour,andIdolovethevarlets,thehonestvarlets,theyhavewitandvalour,andareindeedgoodprofitable,—errantrogues,asanyliveinanempire.Dostthouhear,poetaster?[ToCnsp'nus.]secondme.Standup,Minos,close,gather,yet,so!Sir,(thoushalthaveaquarter-share,beresolute)youshall,atmyrequest,takeMinosbythehandhere,littleMinos,Iwillhaveitso;allfriends,andahealth;benotinexorable.Andthoushaltimpartthewine,oldboy,thoushaltdoit,littleMinos,thoushalt;makeuspayitinourphysic.What!wemustlive,andhonourthegodssometimes;nowBacchus,nowComus,nowPriapus;everygodalittle.[Histriopassesby.]What'shethatstalksbythere,boy,Pyrgus?Youwerebestlethimpass,sirrah;do,ferret,lethimpass,do—
2Pyr.'Tisaplayer,sir.
Tuc.Aplayer!callhim,callthelousyslavehither;what,willhesailbyandnotoncestrike,orvailtoamanofwar?ha!—Doyouhear,youplayer,rogue,stalker,comebackhere!—
EnterHISTBIO.
Norespecttomenofworship,youslave!what,youareproud,yourascal,areyouproud,ha?yougrowrich,doyou,andpurchase,
youtwopennytear-mouth?youhaveFORTUNE,andthegoodyearonyourside,youstinkard,youhave,youhave!
Hist.Nay,sweetcaptain,beconfinedtosomereason;IprotestIsawyounot,sir.
Tuc.Youdidnot?wherewasyoursight,(Edipus?youwalkwithhare'seyes,doyou?I'llhavethemglazed,rogue;anyousaytheword,theyshallbeglazedforyou:comewemusthaveyouturnfiddleragain,slave,getabaseviolatyourback,andmarchinatawnycoat,withonesleeve,toGoose-fair;thenyou'llknowus,you'llseeusthen,youwill,gulch,youwill.Then,WilftpleaseyourworshiptoJiaveanymusic,captain?
Hist.Nay,goodcaptain.
Tuc.What,doyoulaugh,Howleglas!death,youperstemptuousvarlet,Iamnoneofyourfellows;Ihavecommandedahundredandfiftysuchrogues,I.
2Pyr.Ay,andmostofthathundredandfiftyhavebeenleadersofalegion.[Aside.
Hist.IfIhaveexhibitedwrong,I'lltendersatisfaction,captain.
Tuc.Say'stthouso,honestvermin!Givemethyhand;thoushaltmakeusasupperoneofthesenights.
Hist.Whenyouplease,byJove,captain,mostwillingly.
Tuc.Dostthouswear!To-morrowthen;sayandhold,slave.Therearesomeofyouplayershonestgentlemen-likescoundrels,andsuspectedtohavesomewit,aswellasyourpoets,bothatdrinkingandbreakingofjests,andarecompanionsforgallants.Amanmayskelderye,nowandthen,ofhalfadozenshillings,orso.DostthounotknowthatPantalabusthere?
Hist.No,Iassureyou,captain.
Tuc.Go;andbeacquaintedwithhimthen;heisagentleman,parcelpoet,youslave;hisfatherwasamanofworship,Itellthee.Go,hepenshigh,lofty,inanewstalkingstrain,biggerthanhalftherhymersinthetownagain;hewasborntofillthymouth,Minotaurus,hewas,hewillteachtheetotearandrand.Rascal,tohim,cherishhismuse,go;thouhastforty—fortyshillings,Imean,stinkard;givehiminearnest,do,heshallwriteforthee,slave!Ifhepenfortheeonce,thoushaltnotneedtotravelwiththypumpsfullofgravelanymore,afterablindjadeandahamper,andstalkuponboardsandbarrelheadstoanoldcrack'dtrumpet.
Hist.Troth,IthinkIhavenotsomuchaboutme,captain.
Tuc.It'snomatter;givehimwhatthouhast,stiff-toe,I'llgivemywordfortherest;thoughitlackashillingortwo,itskillsnot:go,thouartanhonestshifter;I'llhavethestatuterojioaPdforthee.—Minos,Imusttellthee,Minos,thouhastdr^vi-,-1yougentleman'sspiritexceedingly;dostobserve,dostnote,littleMil
Min.Yes,sir.
Tuc.Gotothen,raise,recover,do;Bufferhimnottodroopinprospectofaplayer,arogue,astager:puttwentyintohishand-twentysestercesImean,—andletnobodysee;go,doit—theworkshallcommenditself;yeMinos,I'llpay.
Min.Yes,forsooth,captain.
2Pyr.Donotweserveanotableshark?[Aside.
Tuc.Andwhatnewmattershaveyounowafoot,sirrah,ha?Iwouldfaincomewithmycockatriceoneday,andseeaplay,ifIknewwhentherewereagoodbawdyone;buttheysayyouhavenothingbutHUMOURS,REVELS,andSATERES,thatgirdandf—tatthetime,youslave.
Hist.No,Iassureyou,captain,notwe.TheyareontheothersideofTyber:wehaveasmuchribaldryinourplaysascanbe,asyouwouldwish,captain:allthesinnersinthesuburbscomeandapplaudouractiondaily.
Tuc.Ihearyou'llbringmeo'thestagethere;you'llplayme,theysay;Ishallbepresentedbyasortofcopper-lacedscoundrelsofyou:lifeofPluto!anyoustageme,stinkard,yourmansionsshallsweatfor't,yourtabernacles,varlets,yourGlobes,andyourTriumphs.
Hist.Notwe,byPhoebus,captain;donotdousimputationwithoutdesert.
Tuc.1willnot,mygoodtwopennyrascal;reachmethyneuf.Dosthear?whatwiltthougivemeaweekformybraceofbeagleshere,mylittlepoint-trussers?youshallhavethemactamongye.—Sirrah,you,pronounce.—ThoushalthearhimspeakinKingDarius'dolefulstrain.
1Pyr.0dolefuldays!0direfuldeadlydumpIOwickedworld,andworldlywickednesstHowcanIholdmyfistfromcrying,thump,Inrueofthisrightrascalwretchedness!
Tuc.Inanamorousveinnow,sirrah:peace!
1Pyr.0,sheiswilder,andmorehard,withaltThanbeast,orbird,ortree,orstonywall.
Yetmightsheloveme,touprearherstate:Ay,butperhapsshehopessomenoblermate.Yetmightsheloveme,tocontentherfire:Ay,butherreasonmastersherdesire.Yetmightshelovemeasherbeauty'sthrall:Ay,butIfearshecannotloveatall.
Tuc.Now,thehorrible,fiercesoldier,you,sirrah.
2Pyr.What!willLbravethee?ay,andbeardtheetoo;ARomanspiritscornstobearabrain
Sofullofbasepusillanimity.
Hist.Excellent!
Tuc.Nay,thoushaltseethatshallravishtheeanon;prickupthineears,stinkard.—Theghost,boys!
1Pyr.Vindicta.
2Pyr.Timoria!
1Pyr.Vindicta!
2Pyr.Timoria!
1Pyr.Veni!
2Pyr.Veni/
Tuc.Nowthunder,sirrah,you,therumblingplayer.2Pyr.Ay,butsomebodymustcry,Murder!then,inasmallvoice.
Tuc.Yourfellow-sharerthereshalldo't:Cry,sirrah,cry.
1Pyr.Murder,murder!
2Pyr.Whocallsoutmurder?lady,wasityou?Hist.O,admirablegood,Iprotest.
Tuc.Sirrah,boy,braceyourdrumalittlestraiter,anddothet'otherfellowthere,heinthe—whatsha'callhim—andyetstaytoo.
2Pyr.Nay,anthoudalliest,thenIamthyfoeyAndfearshallforcewhatfriendshipcannotwin;Thydeathshallburywhatthylifeconceals.Villain!tJioudiestformorerespectingher—
1Pyr.0stay,mylord.
2Pyr.Thanme:
Yetspeakthetruth,andIwillguerdonthee;Butifthoudallyonceagain,thoudiest.
Tuc.Enoughofthis,boy.
2Pyr.Why,thenlamenttherefore:d—ridbethygutsUntokingPluto'sHell,andprincelyErebus;Forsparrowsmusthavefood—
Hist.Pray,sweetcaptain,letoneofthemdoalittleofalady.
Tuc.0!hewillmaketheeeternallyenamour'dofhim,there:do,sirrah,do;'twillallayyourfellow'sfuryalittle.
1Pyr.Master,mockon;thescornthougivestme,PrayJovesomeladymayreturnonthee.
2Pyr.NowyoushallseemedotheMoor:master,lendmeyourscarfalittle.
Tuc.Here,'tisatthyservice,boy.
2Pyr.You,masterMinos,harkhitheralittle.
[ExitwithMinos,tomakehimselfready.
Tuc.Howdostlikehim?artnotrapt,artnotticklednow?dostnotapplaud,rascal?dostnotapplaud?
Hist.Yes:whatwillyouaskforthemaweek,captain?
Tuc.No,youmangonisingslave,Iwillnotpartfromthem;you'llsellthemforenghles,you:let'shavegoodcheerto-morrownightatsupper,stalker,andthenwe'lltalk;goodcaponandplover,doyouhear,sirrah?anddonotbringyoureatingplayerwithyouthere;Icannotawaywithhim:hewilleatalegofmuttonwhileIaminmyporridge,theleanPoluphagus,hisbellyislikeBarathrum;helookslikeamidwifeinman'sapparel,theslave:northevillanousout-of-tunefiddler,^Enobarbus,bringnothim.Whathastthouthere?sixandthirty,ha?
Hist.No,here'sallFhave,captain,somefiveandtwenty:pray,sir,willyoupresentandaccommodateituntothegentleman?formineownpart,Iamamerestrangertohishumour;besides,Ihavesomebusinessinvitesmehence,withmasterAnimusLupus,thetribune.
Tuc.Well,gothywa.s.pursuethyprojects,letmealonewith
thisdesign;myPoetastershallmaketheeaplay,andthoushaltbeamanofgoodpartsinit.Butstay,letmesee;donotbringyour.ZEsop,yourpolitician,unlessyoucanramuphismouthwithcloves;theslavesmellsrankerthansomesixteendunghills,andisseventeentimesmorerotten.Marry,youmaybringFrisker,myzany;he'sagoodskippingswaggerer;andyourfatfoolthere,mymango,bringhimtoo;butlethimnotbegrapiersnorscarfs,inhisover-familiarplayingface,norroarouthisbarrenboldjestswithatormentinglaughter,betweendrunkanddry.Doyouhear,stiff-toe?givehimwarning,admonition,toforsakehissaucyglaveringgrace,andhisgoggleeye;itdoesnotbecomehim,sirrah:tellhimso.Ihavestoodupanddefendedyou,I,togentlemen,whenyouhavebeensaidtopreyuponpuisnes,andhonestcitizens,forsocksorbuskins;orwhentheyhavecall'dyouusurersorbrokers,orsaidyouwereabletohelptoapieceofflesh—Ihavesworn,Ididnotthinkso,northatyouwerethecommonretreatsforpunksdecayedintheirpractice;Icannotbelieveitofyou.
Hist.Thankyou,captain.Jupiterandtherestofthegodsconfineyourmoderndelightswithoutdisgust.
Tuc.Stay,thoushaltseetheMoorerethougoest.—
EnterDEMETRIUSatadistance.
What'shewiththehalfarmsthere,thatsalutesusoutofhiscloak,likeamotion,ha?
Hist.O,sir,hisdoublet'salittledecayed;heisotherwiseaverysimplehonestfellow,sir,oneDemetrius,adresserofplaysaboutthetownhere;wehavehiredhimtoabuseHorace,andbringhimin,inaplay,withallhisgallants,asTibullus,Meceenas,CorneliusGallus,andtherest.
Tuc.Andwhyso,stinkard?
Hist.O,itwillgetusahugedealofmoney,captain,andwehaveneedon't;forthiswinterhas
madeusallpoorerthansomanystarvedsnakes:nobodycomesatus,notagentleman,nora—
Tuc.Butyouknownothingbyhim,doyou,tomakeaplayof?
Hist.Faith,notmuch,captain;butourauthorwilldevisethatthatshallserveinsomesort.
Tuc.Why,myParnassushereshallhelphim,ifthouwilt.Canthyauthordoitimpudentlyenough?
Hist.O,Iwarrantyou,captain,andspitefullyenoughtoo;hehasoneofthemostoverflowingrankwitsinRome;hewillslanderanymanthatbreathes,ifhedisgusthim.
Tuc.I'llknowthepoor,egregious,nittyrascal;anhehavethesecommendablequalities,I'llcherishhim—stay,herecomestheTartar—I'llmakeagatheringforhim,I,apurse,andputthepoorslaveinfreshrags;tellhimsotocomforthim.—
[Demetriuscomesforward.
Pie-enterMrxos,with2Pyrgusonhisshoulders,andstalksbackwardandforward,astheboyads.
Wellsaid,boy.
2Pyr.Whereartthou,boy?whereisCalipolis?Fi'jhtearthquakesintheentrailsoftheearth,Andeasternwhirlunndsinthehellishshades;SomefoulcontagionoftheinfectedheavensBlastallthetrees,andintheircursedtopsThedismalnightravenandtragicowlBreedandbecomeforerunnersofmyfall!
Tuc.Well,nowfaretheewell,myhonestpenny-biter:commendmetosevensharesandahalf,andrememberto-morrow.—Ifyoulackaservice,youshallplayinmyname,rascals;butyoushallbuyyourowncloth,andI'llhavetwosharesformycountenance.Letthyauthorstaywithme.[ExitHistrio.
Dem.Yes,sir.
Tuc.'Twaswelldone,littleMinos,thoudidststalkwell:forgivemethatIsaidthoustunk'st,Minos;'twasthesavourofapoetImetsweatinginthestreet,hangsyetinmynostrils.
<'ris.Who,Horace?
Tuc.Ay,he;dostthouknowhim?
Cris.O,heforsookmemostbarbarously,Iprotest.
Tuc.Hanghim,fustysatyr,hesmellsallgoat;hecarriesaramunderhisarm-holes,theslave:IamtheworsewhenIseehim.—DidnotMinosimpart?[AsidetoCrispinus.
Cris.Yes,herearetwentydrachmshedidconvey.
Tuc.Wellsaid,keepthem,we'llshareanon;come,littleMinos.
Cris.Faith,captain,I'llbeboldtoshewyouamistressofmine,ajeweller'swife,agallant,aswegoalong.
Tuc.Therespokemygenius.Minos,someofthyeringos,littleMinos;send.Comehither,Parnassus,Imusthavetheefamiliarwithmylittlelocusthere;'tisagoodvermin,theysay.—[HoraceandTrebatiuspassoverthestage.}—See,here'sHorace,andoldTrebatius,thegreatlawyer,inhiscompany;let'savoidhimnow,heistoowellseconded.[Kxeunt.
ACTIV
SCEXEI.—ARoominALBTTJS'SHouse.EnterCHLOE,CYTHERIS,andAttendants.
.But,sweetlady,say;amIwellenoughattiredfurcourt,insadness?
Cijlh.Wellenough!excellentwell,sweetmistressClilop;thisstrait-bodiedcityattire,Icantollyou,\\illstiracourtier'sMmx!,morethanthefinestloosesackstheladiesusetobeputin;and
thenyouareaswelljewell'dasanyofthem;yourruffandlinenaboutyouismuchmorepurethantheirs;andforyourbeauty,Icantellyou,there'smanyofthemwoulddefythepainter,iftheycouldchangewithyou.Marry,theworstis,youmustlooktobeenvied,andendureafewcourt-frumpsforit.
Chloe.0Jove,madam,Ishallbuythemtoocheap!—Givememymuff,andmydogthere.—Andwilltheladiesbeanythingfamiliarwithme,thinkyou?
Cyth.0Juno!whyyoushallseethemflockaboutyouwiththeirpuff-wings,andaskyouwhereyouboughtyourlawn,andwhatyoupaidforit?whostarchesyou?andentreatyoutohelp'emtosomepurelaundressesoutofthecity.
Chloe.0Cupid!—Givememyfan,andmymasktoo.—Andwillthelords,andthepoetsthere,useonewelltoo,lady?
Cyth.Doubtnotofthat;youshallhavekissesfromthem,gopit-pat,pit-pat,pit-pat,uponyourlips,asthickasstonesoutofslingsattheassaultofacity.Andthenyourearswillbesofurr'dwiththebreathoftheircompliments,thatyoucannotcatchcoldofyourhead,ifyouwould,inthreewintersafter.
Chloe.Thankyou,sweetlady.0heaven!andhowmustonebehaveherselfamongst'em?Youknowall.
Cyth.Faith,impudentlyenough,mistressChloe,andwellenough.Carrynottoomuchunderthoughtbetwixtyourselfandthem;noryourcity-mannerlyword,forsooth,useitnottooofteninanycase;butplain,Ay,madam,andno,madam:norneversay,yourlordship,noryourhonour;but,you,andyou,mylord,andmylady:theothertheycounttoosimpleandminsitive.Andthoughtheydesiretokissheavenwiththeirtitles,yettheywillcountthemfoolsthatgivethemtoohumbly.
Chloe.0intolerable,Jupiter!bymytroth,lady,Iwouldnotforaworldbutyouhadlaininmyhouse;and,i'faith,youshallnotpayafarthingforyourboard,noryourchambers.
Cyth.0,sweetmistressChloe!
Chloe.I'faithyoushallnot,lady;nay,goodlady,donotofferit.
EnterGALLTTSandTIBULLUS.
Gal.Come,wherebetheseladies?Byyourleave,brightstars,thisgentlemanandIarecometomanyoutocourt;whereyourlatekindentertainmentisnowtoberequitedwithaheavenlybanquet.
Cyth.Aheavenlybanquet,Gallus!
Gal.Noless,mydearCytheris.
Tib.Thatwerenotstrange,lady,iftheepithetwereonlygivenforthecompanyinvitedthither;yourself,andthisfairgentlewoman.
Chloe.Areweinvitedtocourt,sir?
Tib.Youare,lady,bythegreatprincessJulia;wholongstogreetyouwithanyfavoursthatmayworthilymakeyouanoftencourtier.
CJiloe.Insincerity,Ithankher,sir.Youhaveacoach,haveyou
not?
Tib.Theprincesshathsentherown,lady.
Chloe.OVenus!that'swell:Idolongtorideinacoachmostvehemently.
Cyih.But,sweetGallus,prayyouresolvemewhyyougivethatheavenlypraisetothisearthlybanquet?
Gal.Because,Cytheris,itmustbecelebratedbytheheavenlypowers:allthegodsandgoddesseswillbethere;totwoofwhichyoutwomustbeexalted.
Chloe.Aprettyfiction,intruth.
Cyih.Afiction,indeed,Chloe,andfitforthefitofapoet.
Gal.Why,Cytheris,maynotpoets(fromwhosedivinespiritsallthehonoursofthegodshavebeendeduced)entreatsomuchhonourofthegods,tohavetheirdivinepresenceatapoeticalbanquet?
Cyth.Supposethatnofiction;yet,whereareyourhabilitiestomakeustwogoddessesatyour
feast?
Gal.Whoknowsnot,Cytheris,thatthesacredbreathofatruepoetcanblowanyvirtuoushumanityuptodeity?
Tib.Totellyouthefemaletruth,whichisthesimpletruth,ladies;andtoshewthatpoets,inspiteoftheworld,areabletodeifythemselves;atthisbanquet,towhichyouareinvited,weintendtoassumethefiguresofthegods;andtogiveourseverallovestheformsofgoddesses.OvidwillbeJupiter;theprincessJulia,Juno;Gallushere,Apollo;you,Cytheris,Pallas;IwillbeBacchus;andmylovePlautia,Ceres:andtoinstallyouandyourhusband,fairChloe,inhonoursequalwithours,youshallbeagoddess,andyourhusbandagod.
Chloe.Agod!—0mygods!
Tib.Agod,butalamegod,lady;forheshallbeVulcan,andyouVenus:andthiswillmakeourbanquetnolessthanheavenly.
Chloe.Insincerity,itwillbesugared.GoodJove,whataprettvfoolishthingitistobeapoet!but,harkyou,sweetCytheris,couldtheynotpossiblyleaveoutmyhusband?methinksabody'shusbanddoesnotsowellatcourt;abody'sfriend,orso—but,husband!'tislikeyourclogtoyourmarmoset,foralltheworld,andtheheavens.
Cyth.Tut,neverfear,Chloe!yourhusbandwillbeleftwithoutinthelobby,orthegreatchamber,whenyoushallbeputin,i'thecloset,bythislord,andbythatlady.
Chloe..Nay,thenIamcertified;heshallgo.
EnterHORACE.
f!nl.Horace!welcome.
Hor.Gentlemen,hearyouthenews?
Tib.Whatnews,myQuintals!
Hor.Ourmelancholicfriend,Propertius,HathclosedhimselfupinhisCynthia'stomb;Andwillbynoentreatiesbedrawnthence.
EnterALBITTS,introducingCRISPINUSandDEMETRIUS,followed
byTUCCA.
Alb.Nay,goodMasterCrispinus,prayyoubringnearthegentleman.
Hor.Crispinus!Hideme,goodGallus;Tibullus,shelterme.
{Going.
Cris.Makeyourapproach,sweetcaptain.
Tib.Whatmeansthis,Horace?
Hor.Iamsurprisedagain;farewell.
Gal.Stay,Horace.
Hor.What,andbetiredonbyyond'vulture!No:Phoebusdefendme![Exithastily.
Tib.'Slight,IholdmylifeThissameishemethiminHoly-street.
Gal.Troth,'tislikeenough.—ThisactofPropertiusrelishethverystrangewithme.
Tuc.Bythyleave,myneatscoundrel:what,isthisthemadboyyoutalk'don?
Cris.Ay,thisismasterAlbius,captain.
Tuc.Givemethyhand,Agamemnon;wehearabroadthouarttheHectorofcitizens:Whatsayestthou?arewewelcometothee,nobleNeoptolemus?
Alb.Welcome,captain,byJoveandallthegodsintheCapitol—
Tuc.Nomore,weconceivethee.Whichoftheseisthywedlock,Menelaus?thyHelen,thyLucrece?thatwemaydoherhonour,madboy.
Cris.Sheinthelittlefinedressing,sir,ismymistress.
Alb.Forfaultofabetter,sir.
Tuc.Abetter!profanerascal:Icrytheemercy,mygoodscroyle,was'tthou?
Alb.Noharm,captain.
Tuc.SheisaVenus,aVesta,aMelpomene:comehither,Penelope;what'sthyname,Iris?
Chloe.MynameisChloe,sir;Iamagentlewoman.
Tuc.Thouartinmerittobeanempress,Chloe,foraneyeandalip;thouhastanemperor'snose:kissmeagain:'tisavirtuouspunk;so!BeforeJove,thegodswereasortofgoslings,whentheysufferedsosweetabreathtoperfumethebedofastinkard:thouhadstillfortune,Thisbe;theFateswereinfatuate,theywere,punk,theywere.
Chloe.That'ssure,sir:letmecraveyourname,Iprayyou,sir.
Tuc.IamknownbythenameofcaptainTucca,punk;thenobleRoman,punk:agentleman,andacommander,punk.
Chloe.Ingoodtime:agentleman,andacommander!that'sasgoodasapoet,methinks.[Walksaside.
Cris.Aprettyinstrument!It'smycousinCytheris'violthis,isitnot?
Cyth.Naj\play,cousin;itwantsbutsuchavoiceandhandtograceit,asyoursis.
Cris.Alas,cousin,youaremerrilyinspired.
Cyth.Prayyouplay,ifyouloveme.
Cris.Yes,cousin;youknowIdonothateyou.
Tib.Amostsubtilewench!howshehathbaitedhimwithaviolyonder,forasong!
Cris.Cousin,'prayyoucallmistressChloe!sheshallhearanessayofmypoetry.
Tuc.I'llcallher.—Comehither,cockatrice:hero'sonewillsettheeup,mysweetpunk,settheeup.
Chloe.Areyouapoetsosoon,sir?
Alb.Wife,mum.
CRISPINUSplaysandsings.
Loveisblind,andawanton;
Inthewholeworld,thereisscantone
—Suchanother:
No,nothismother.
Hehathpluck'dherdovesandsparrows,Tofeatherhissharparrows,
Andaloneprevaileth,
WhilesickVenuswaileth.ButifCyprisoncerecoverThewag;itshallbehoveher
Tolookbettertohim:
Orshewillundohim.
Alb.0,mostodoriferousmusic!
Tuc.Aha,stinkard!AnotherOrpheus,youslave,anotherOrpheus!anArionridingonthebackofadolphin,rascal!
Gal.Haveyouacopyofthisditty,sir?
Cris.MasterAlbiushas.
Alb.Ay,butintruththeyaremywife'sverses;Imustnotshewthem.
Tuc.Shewthem,bankrupt,shewthem;theyhavesaltinthem,andwillbrooktheair,stinkard.
Gal.How!TohisbrightmistressCanidia/
Cris.Ay,sir,that'sbutaborrowedname;asOvid'sCorinna,orPropertiushisCynthia,oryourNemesis,orDelia,Tibullus.
Gal.It'sthenameofHoracehiswitch,asIremember.
Tib.Why,theditty'sallborrowed;'tisHorace's:hanghim,plagiary!
Tuc.How!heborrowoffforace?heshallpawnhimselftotenbrokersfirst.Doyouhear,Poetasters?Iknowyoutobemenofworship—HeshallwritewithHorace,foratalent!and1ftMecamasnndhiswholecollegeofcriticstakehispart:thouslialtdo't,youngI'hcebus;thoushah.Phaeton,thoushalt.
Dem.Alas,sir,Horace!heisameresponge;nothingbutHumoursandobservation;hegoesupanddownsuckingfromeverysociety,andwhenhecomeshomesqueezeshimselfdryagain.Iknowhim,I.
Tuc.Thousay'sttrue,mypoorpoeticalfury,hewillpenallheknows.Asharpthorny-tooth'dsatiricalrascal,flyhim;hecarrieshayinhishorn:hewillsoonerlosehisbestfriend,thanhisleastjest.Whatheoncedropsuponpaper,againstaman,liveseternallytoupbraidhiminthemouthofeveryslave,tankard-bearer,orwaterman;notabawd,oraboythatcomesfromthebake-house,butshallpointathim:'tisalldog,andscorpion;hecarriespoisoninhisteeth,andastinginhistail.Fough!bodyofJove!I'llhavetheslavewhiptoneofthesedaysforhisSatiresandhisHumours,byonecashier'dclerkoranother.
Cris.We'llundertakehim,captain.
Dem.Ay,andticklehimi'faith,forhisarrogancyandhisimpudence,incommendinghisownthings;andforhistranslating,Icantracehim,i'faith.0,heisthemostopenfellowliving;IhadaslieveasanewsuitIwereatit.
Tuc.Saynomorethen,butdoit;'tistheonlywaytogettheeanewsuit;stinghim,mylittleneufts;I'llgiveyouinstructions:I'llbeyourintelligencer;we'llalljoin,andhanguponhimlikesomanyhorse-leeches,theplayersandall.Weshallsuptogether,soon;andthenwe'llconspire,i'faith.
Gal.OthatHoracehadstayedstillhere!
Tib.SowouldnotI;forboththesewouldhaveturn'dPythagoreansthen.
Gal.What,mute?
Tib.Ay,asfishes,i'faith:come,ladies,shallwego?
Cyth.Wewaityou,sir.ButmistressChloeasks,ifyouhavenotagodtospareforthis
gentleman.
Gal.Who,captainTucca?
Cyth.Ay,he.
GaLYes,ifwecaninvitehimalong,heshallbeMars.
Chloe.HasMarsanythingtodowithVenus?
Tib.O,mostofall,lady.
Chloe.Nay,thenIpraylethimbeinvited:AndwhatshallCrispinusbe?
Tib.Mercury,mistressChloe.
Chloe.Mercury!that'sapoet,isit?
Gal.No,lady,butsomewhatincliningthatway;heisaheraldatarms.
Chloe.Aheraldatarms!good;andMercury!pretty:hehastodowithVenustoo?
Tib.Alittlewithherface,lady;orso.
Chloe.Tisverywell;prayletusgo,Ilongtobeatit.
Cyth.Gentlemen,shallweprayyourcompaniesalong?
Cris.Youshallnotonlypray,butprevail,lady.—Come,sweetcaptain.
Tuc.Yes,Ifollow:butthoumustnottalkofthisnow,mylittlebankrupt.
Alb.Captain,lookhere,mum.
Dem.I'llgowrite,sir.
Tuc.Do,do:stay,there'sadrachmtopurchaseginger-breadforthymuse.[Exeunt.
SCEXEII.—.4RoominLUPUS'SHouse.EnterLUPUS,HISTRIO,andLictors.
Lup.Come,letustalkhere;herewemaybeprivate;shutthedoor,lictor.Youareaplayer,yousay.
Hist.Ay,an'tpleaseyourworship.
Lup.Good;andhowareyouabletogivethisintelligence?
Hist.Marry,sir,theydirectedalettertomeandmyfellow-sharers.
Lup.Speaklower,youarenotnowinyourtheatre,stager:—mysword,knave.Theydirecteda
lettertoyou,andyourfellow-sharers:forward.
Hist.Yes,sir,tohiresomeofourproperties;asasceptreandcrownforJove;andacaduceusforMercury;andapetasus—
Lup.Caduceusandpetasus!letmeseeyourletter.Thisisaconjuration:aconspiracy,this.Quickly,onwithmybuskins:I'llactatragedy,i'faith.Willnothingbutourgodsservethesepoetstoprofane?dispatch!Player,Ithankthee.Theemperorshalltakeknowledgeofthygoodservice.[Aknockingwithin.~\Who'stherenow?Look,knave.[ExitLictor.,]Acrownandasceptre!thisisgoodrebellion,now.
Re-enterLictor.
Lie.'Tisyourpothecary,sir,masterMinos.
Lup.Whattell'stthoumeofpothecaries,knave!Tellhim,Ihaveaffairsofstateinhand;Icantalktonoapothecariesnow.Heartofme!Staythepothecarythere.[Walksinamusingposture.]Youshallsee,Ihavefish'doutacunningpieceofplotnow:theyhavehadsomeintelligence,thattheirprojectisdis-cover'd,andnowhavetheydealtwithmyapothecary,topoisonme;'tisso;knowingthatImeanttotakephysicto-day:assureasdeath,'tisthere.Jupiter,Ithankthee,thatthouhastyetmademesomuchofapolitician.
EnterMINOS.
Youarewelcome,sir;takethepotionfromhimthere;Ihaveanantidotemorethanyouwotof,sir;throwitonthegroundthere:so!Nowfetchinthedog;andyetwecannottarrytotryexperimentsnow:arresthim;youshallgowithme,sir;I'lltickleyou,pothecary;I'llgiveyouaglister,ffaith.HaveItheletter?ay,'tishere.—Come,yourfasces,lie-tors:thehalfpikesandthehalberds,takethemdownfromtheLaresthere.Player,assistme.
Astheyaregoingout,enterMECJENASandHORACE.
Mec.Whithernow,AsiniusLupus,withthisarmory?Lup.Icannottalknow;Ichargeyouassistme:treason!treason!
Hor.How!treason?
Lup.Ay:ifyoulovetheemperor,andthestate,followme.
[Exeunt.
SCENEIII.—AnApartmentinthePalace.
EnterOVID,JULIA,GALLUS,CYTHERIS,TIBULLUS,PLAUTIA,ALBIUS,CHLOE,TUCCA,CRISPINUS,HERMOGENES,PYRGUS,characteristicallyhabited,asgodsandgoddesses.
Ovid.Godsandgoddesses,takeyourseveralseats.Now,Mercury,moveyourcaduceus,and,inJupiter'sname,commandsilence.
Cris.InthenameofJupiter,silence.
Her.Thecrierofthecourthathtooclarifiedavoice.
Gal.Peace,Momus.
Ovid.Oh,heisthegodofreprehension;lethimalone:'tishisoffice.Mercury,goforward,andproclaim,afterPhoebus,ourhighpleasure,toallthedeitiesthatshallpartakethishighbanquet.
Cris.Yes,sir.
Gal.Thegreatgod,Jupiter,—[Here,andateverybreakinthe
line,Crispinusrepeatsaloudthewords®fGallus.]Ofhis
licentiousgoodness,WillingtomakethisfeastnofastFrom
anymannerofpleasure;NortobindanygodorgoddessTobe
anythingthemoregodorgoddess,fortheirnames:Hegivesthem
allfreelicenseTospeaknowiserthanpersonsofbasertitles;
Andtobenothingbetter,thancommonmen,orwomen.And
thereforenogodShallneedtokeephimselfmorestrictlytohis
goddessThananymandoestohiswife:Noranygoddess-ShallneedtokeepherselfmorestrictlytohergodThananywoman
doestoherhusband.But,sinceitisnopartofwisdom,In
thesedays,tocomeintobonds;Itshallbelawfulforeverylover—
Tobreaklovingoaths,Tocliangetheirlovers,andmakeloveto
others,Astheheatofeveryone'sblood,Andthespiritofour
nectar,shallinspire.AndJupitersaveJupiter!
Tib.So;nowwemayplaythefoolsbyauthority.
Her.Toplaythefoolbyauthorityiswisdom.
Jul.Awaywithyourmatterysentences,Momus;theyaretoograveandwiseforthismeeting.
Ovid.Mercury,giveourjesterastool,lethimsitby;andreachhimoneofourcates.
Tuc.Dosthear,madJupiter?we'llhaveitenacted,hethatspeaksthefirstwiseword,shallbe
madecuckold.Whatsay'stthou?Isitnotagoodmotion?
Ovid.Deities,areyouallagreed?
All.Agreed,greatJupiter.
Alb,Ihavereadinabook,thattoplaythefoolwisely,ishighwisdom.
Gal.Hownow,Vulcan!willyoubethefirstwizard?
Ovid.Takehiswife,Mars,andmakehimcuckoldquickly.
Tuc.Come,cockatrice.
Chloe.No,letmealonewithhim,Jupiter:I'llmakeyoutakeheed,sir,whileyouliveagain;iftherebetwelveinacompany,thatyoubenotthewisestof'em.
Alb.Nomore;Iwillnotindeed,wife,hereafter;I'llbehere:mum.
Ovid.Fillusabowlofnectar,Ganymede:wewilldrinktoourdaughterVenus.
Gal.Looktoyourwife,Vulcan:Jupiterbeginstocourther.
Tib.Nay,letMarslooktoit:VulcanmustdoasVenusdoes,bear.
Tuc.Sirrah,boy;catamite:LookyouplayGanymedewellnow,youslave.Donotspillyournectar;carryyourcupeven:so!Youshouldhaverubbedyourfacewithwhitesofeggs,yourascal;tillyourbrowshadshonelikeoursootybrother'shere,assleekasahorn-book:orhavesteeptyourlipsinwine,tillyoumadethemsoplump,thatJunomighthavebeenjealousofthem.Punk,kissme,punk.
Ovid.Here,daughterVenus,Idrinktothee.
Chloe.Thankyou,goodfatherJupiter.
Tuc.Why,motherJuno!godsandfiends!what,wiltthousufferthisoculartemptation?
Tib.Marsisenraged,helooksbig,andbeginstostutforanger.
Her.Wellplayed,captainMars.
Tuc.Wellsaid,minstrelMomus:Imustputyouin,mustI?whenwillyoubeingoodfoolingofyourself,fidler,never?
Her.0,'tisourfashiontobesilent,whenthereisabetterfoolinplaceever.
Tuc.Thankyou,rascal.
Ovid.FilltoourdaughterVenus,Ganymede,whofillsherfatherwithaffection.
Jul.Wiltthouberanging,Jupiter,beforemyface?
Ovid.Whynot,Juno?whyshouldJupiterstandinaweofthyface,Juno?
Jul.Becauseitisthywife'sface,Jupiter.
Ovid.What,shallahusbandbeafraidofhiswife'sfaro?willshepaintitsohorribly?weareaking,cotquean;andwewillminiinourpleasures;andwewillcudgeltheetodeath,ifthouliixlfaultwithus.
Jul.Iwillfindfaultwiththro,kingcuckold-maker:What,shallthekingofgodsturnthekingofgood-fellows,andhavenofellowinwickedness?Thismakesourpoets,thatknowourprofanenrss,liveasprofaneaswe:Bymygodhead,Jupiter,Iwilljoinwithalltheothergodshere,bindtheehandandfoot,throwthrodownintotheearthandmakeapoorpoetofthrr,ifthouabusemethus.
Gal.Agoodsmart-tonguedgoddess,arightJuno!
Ovid.Juno,wewillcudgelthee,Juno:wetoldtheesoyesterday,whenthouwertjealousofusforThetis.
Pyr.Nay,to-dayshehadmeininquisitiontoo.
Tuc.Wellsaid,myfinePhrygianfry;inform,inform.Givemesomewine,kingofheralds,Imaydrinktomycockatrice.
Ovid.Nomore,Ganymede;wewillcudgelthee,Juno;byStyxwewill.
Jul.Ay,'tiswell;godsmaygrowimpudentininiquity,andtheymustnotbetoldofit—
Ovid.Yea,wewillknockourchinagainstourbreast,andshaketheeoutofOlympusintoanoyster-boat,forthyscolding.
Jul.Yournoseisnotlongenoughtodoit,Jupiter,ifallthystrumpetsthouhastamongthestarstookthypart.Andthereisneverastarinthyforeheadbutshallbeahorn,ifthoupersisttoabuseme.
Cris.Agoodjest,i'faith.
Ovid.Wetelltheethcuangerestus,cotquean;andwewillthundertheeinpiecesforthycotqueanity.
Cris.Anothergoodjest.
Alb.O,myhammersandmyCyclops!Thisboyfillsnotwineenoughtomakeuskindenoughtooneanother.
Tuc.Northouhastnotcolliedthyfaceenough,stinkard.
Alb.I'llplythetablewithnectar,andmakethemfriends.
Her.Heavenisliketohavebutalameskinker,then.
Alb.Wineandgoodliversmaketruelovers:I'llsentencethentogether.Here,father,here,mother,forshame,drinkyourselvesdrunk,andforgetthisdissension;youtwoshouldclingtogetherbeforeourfaces,andgiveusexampleofunity.
Gal.O,excellentlyspoken,Vulcan,onthesudden!
Tib.Jupitermaydowelltopreferhistonguetosomeofficeforhiseloquence.
Tuc.Histongueshallbegentleman-ushertohiswit,andstillgobeforeit.
Alb.Anexcellentfitoffice!
Cris.Ay,andanexcellentgoodjestbesides.
Her.What,haveyouhiredMercurytocryyourjestsyoumake?
Ovid.Momus,youareenvious.
Tuc.Why,ay,youwhoresonblockhead,'tisyouronlyblockofwitinfashionnow-a-days,toapplaudotherfolks'jests.
Her.True;withthosethatarenotartificersthemselves.Vulcan,younod,andthemirthofthejestdroops.
Pyr.Hehasfillednectarsolong,tillhisbrainswimsinit.
Gal.What,dowenod,fellow-gods!Soundstartleourspiritswithasong.
Tuc.Do,Apollo,thouartagoodmusician.
Gal.WhatsaysJupiter?
Ovid.Ha!ha!
Gal.Asong.
Ovid.Why,do,do,sing.Pla.Bacchus,whatsayyou?Tib.Ceres?
Pla.But,tothissong?Tib.Sing,formypart.
Jul.Yourbellyweighsdownyourhead,Bacchus;here'sasongtoward.
Tib.Begin,Vulcan.
Alb.Whatelse,whatelse?
Tuc.Say,Jupiter—
Ovid.Mercury—
Cris.Ay,say,say.[Music.
Alb.Wake!ourmirthbeginstodie,"
Quickenitwithtunesandwine.Raiseyournotes;you'reout;fie,fie!Thisdrowsinessisanillsign.Webanishhimthequireofgods,Thatdroopsagen:Thenallaremen,Forhere'snotonebutnods.
Ovid.Ilikenotthissuddenandgeneralheavinessamongstourgodheads;'tissomewhatominous.Apollo,commandusloudermusic,andletMercuryandMomuscontendtopleaseandreviveoursenses.[Music.
Herm.Then,inafreeandloftystrain.
Ourbrokentuneswethusrepair;Cris.Andweanswerthemagain,
Runningdivisiononthepantingair;Ambo.Tocelebratethisfeastofsense,
Asfreefromscandalasoffence.Herm.Hereisbeautyfortheeye;Cris.Fortheearsweetmelody.Herm.Ambrosiacodours,forthesmell;Cris.Deliciousnectar,forthetaste;Ambo.Forthetouch,alady'swaist;Whichdothalltherestexcel.
Ovid.Ay,thishaswakedus.Mercury,ourherald;gofromourself,thegreatgodJupiter,tothegreatemperorAugustusCaesar,andcommandhimfromus,ofwhosebountyhehathreceivedthesirnameofAugustus,that,forathank-offeringtoourbeneficence,hepresentlysacrifice,asadishtothisbanquet,hisbeautifulandwantondaughterJulia:she'sacurstquean,tellhim,andplaysthescoldbehindhisback;thereforeletherbesacrificed.Commandhimthis,Mercury,inourliiirhnameofJupiterAltitonans.
Jul.Stay,feather-footedMercury,andtellAugustus,fromus,thegreatJunoSaturnia;ifhethinkithardtodoasJupiterhathcommandedhim,andsacrificehisdaughter,thathehadbetterdo
sotentimes,thansufferhertolovethewell-nosedpoet,Ovin;whomheshalldowelltowhiporcausetobewhipped,aboutthecapitol,forsoothingherinherfollies.
EnterAUGUSTUSCJESAR,MECLENAS,HORACE,LUPUS,HISTRIO,
MINUS,andLictors.
Goes.Whatsightisthis?Mecaenas!Horace!say?Haveweoursenses?dowehearandsee?OrarethesebutimaginaryobjectsDrawnbyourphantasy!Whyspeakyounot?Letusdosacrifice.Aretheythegods?[Ovidandtherestkneel.Reverence,amaze,andfuryfightinme.What,dotheykneel!Nay,thenIsee'tistrueIthoughtimpossible:0,impioussight!Letmedivertmineeyes;theverythoughtEvertsmysoulwithpassion:Looknot,man,Thereisa
panther,whoseunnaturaleyesWillstriketheedead:turn,then,anddieonherWithherowndeath.[Offerstokillhisdaughter.
Mec.Hor.WhatmeansimperialCsesar?
Cces.WhatwouldyouhavemeletthestrumpetliveThat,forthispageant,earnssomanydeaths?
Tuc.Boy,slink,boy.
Pyr.PrayJupiterwebenotfollowedbythescent,master.
[ExeuntTuccaandPyrgus.
Cces.Say,sir,whatareyou?
Alb.IplayVulcan,sir.
Cces.Butwhatareyou,sir?
Alb.Yourcitizenandjeweller,sir.
Cces.Andwhatareyou,dame?
Chloe.IplayVenus,forsooth.
Cces.Iasknotwhatyouplay,butwhatyouare.
Chloe.Yourcitizenandjeweller'swife,sir.
Cces.Andyou,goodsir?
Cris.Yourgentlemanparcel-poet,sir.[Exit.
Cces.0,thatprofanedname!—
Andaretheseseemlycompanyforthee,[ToJulia.
Degeneratemonster?AlltherestIknow,Andhateallknowledgefortheirhatefulsakes.Areyou,thatfirstthedeitiesinspiredWithskilloftheirhighnaturesandtheirpowers,Thefirstabusersoftheirusefullight;Profaningthustheirdignitiesintheirforms,Andmakingthem,likeyou,butcounterfeits?O,whoshallfollowVirtueandembraceher,Whenherfalsebosomisfoundnoughtbutair\Andyetofthoseembracescentaursspring,Thatwarwithhumanpeace,andpoisonmen.—Whoshall,withgreatercomfortscomprehend
Herunseenbeingandherexcellence;
Whenyon,thatteach,andshouldeterniseher,
Liveasshewerenolawuntoyourlives,
Xorlivedherself,butwithyouridlebreaths?
Ifyouthinkgodsbutfeign'd,andvirtuepainted,
Knowwesustainanactualresidence,
Andwiththetitleofanemperor,
Retainhisspiritandimperialpower;
Bywhich,inimpositiontooremiss,
LicentiousNaso,forthyviolentwrong,
Insoothingthedeclinedaffections
Ofourbasedaughter,weexilethyfeet
Fromallapproachtoourimperialcourt,
Onpainofdeath;andthymisgottenlove
Committopatronageofirondoors;
Sincehersoft-heartedsirecannotcontainher.
Mec,0.goodmylord,forgive!belikethegods.
HOT.Letroyalbounty,Ca?sar,mediate.
Cces.Thereisnobountytobeshew'dtosuchAshavenorealgoodness:bountyisAspiceofvirtue;andwhatvirtuousactCantakeeffectonthem,thathavenopowerOfequalhabitudetoapprehendit,Butliveinworshipofthatidol,vice,Asiftherewerenovirtue,butinshadeOfstrongimagination,merelyenforced?Thisshewstheirknowledgeismereignorance,Theirfar-fetch'ddignityofsoulafancy,AndalltheirsquarepretextofgravityAmerevain-glory;hence,awaywiththem!Iwillpreferforknowledge,nonebutsuchAsruletheirlivesbyit,andcanbecalmAllseaofHumourwiththemarbletridentOftheirstrongspirits:othersfightbelowWithgnatsandshadows;othersnothingknow.[Exeunt.
SCENEV.—AStreetbeforetJiePalace.EnterTUCCA,CRISPINUS,andI'YRGUS.
Tuc.What'sbecomeofmylittlepunk,Venus,andthepoult-footstinkard,herhusband,ha?
Cris.O,theyareridhomeinthecoach,asfastasthewheelscanrun.
Tuc.GodJupiterisbanished,Ihear,andhiscockatriceJunolock'dup.'Heart,anallthepoetryinParnassusgetmetobeaplayeragain,I'llsell'emmyshareforasesterce.ButthisisHumours,Horace,thatgoat-footedenviousslave;he'sturuMfawnnow;aninformer,therogue!'tishehasbetray'dusall.Didyounotseehimwiththeemperorcrouching?
Cris.Yes.
Tuc.Well,followme.Thoushaltlibel,andI'llcudgeltherascal.Boy,providemeatruncheon.Revengeshallgratulatehim,tarnMarti,quamMercurio.
Pyr.Ay,butmaster,takeheedhowyougivethisout;Horaceisamanofthesword.
Cris."Tistrue,introth;theysayhe'svaliant.
Tuc.Valiant?soisminea—.Godsandfiends!I'llblowhimintoairwhenImeethimnext:hedaresnotfightwithapuck-fist.
[Horacepassesoverthestage.
Pyr.Master,hecomes!
Tuc.Where?Jupitersavethee,mygoodpoet,mynobleprophet,mylittlefatHorace.—Iscorntobeattherogueinthecourt;andIsalutedhimthusfair,becauseheshouldsuspectnothing,therascal.Come,we'llgoseehowfarforwardourjourneymanistowardtheuntrussingofhim.
Cris.Doyouhear,captain?I'llwritenothinginitbutinnocence,becauseImayswearIaminnocent.[Exeunt.
SCENEVI.EnterHORACE,MEC^JNAS,LUPUS,HISTRIO,andLictors.
Hor.Nay,whypursueyounottheemperorforyourrewardnow,Lupus?
Mec.Stay,Asinius;
Youandyourstager,andyourbandoflictors:Ihopeyourservicemeritsmorerespect,Thanthus,withoutathanks,tobesenthence.
His.Well,well,jeston,jeston.
Hor.Thoubase,unworthygroom!
Lup.Ay,ay,'tisgood.
Hor.Wasthisthetreason,thisthedangerousplot,Thyclamoroustonguesobellow'dthroughthecourt?HadstthounootherprojecttoencreaseThygracewithCsesar,butthiswolfishtrain,TopreyuponthelifeofinnocentmirthAndharmlesspleasures,bredofnoblewit?Away!Iloaththypresence;suchasthou,Theyarethemothsandscarabsofastate,Thebaneofempires,andthedregsofcourts;Who,toendearthemselvestoanemployment,Carenotwhosefametheyblast,whoselifetheyendanger;And,underadisguisedandcobwebmaskOfloveuntotheirsovereign,vomitforthTheirownprodigiousmalice;andpretendingTobethepropsandcolumnsoftheirsafety,Theguardsuntohispersonandhispeace,Disturbitmost,wththeirfalse,lapwing-cries.
Lup.Good!Csesarshallknowofthis,believeit.
Jlec.CcTsardothknowit,wolf,andtohisknowledge,Hewill,Ihope*rewardyourbaseendeavours.Princesthatwillbuthear,orgiveaccessTosuchofficiousspies,canne'erbesafe:Theytakeinpoisonwithanopenear,And,freefromdanger,becomeslavestofear.[Exeunt.
SCENEVII.—AnopenSpacebeforethePalace.EnterOVID.
Banish'dthecourt!Letmebebanish'dlife,
Sincethechiefendoflifeisthereconcluded:
Withinthecourtisallthekingdombounded,
Andashersacredspheredothcomprehend
Tenthousandtimessomuch,assomuchplace
Inanypartofalltheempireelse;
Soeverybody,movinginhersphere,
Containstenthousandtimesasmuchinhim,
Asanyotherherchoiceorbexcludes.
Asinacircle,amagicianthen
Issafeagainstthespiritheexcites;
But,outofit,issubjecttohisrage,
Andlosethallthevirtueofhisart:
SoI,exiledthecircleofthecourt,
LoseallthegoodgiftsthatinitI'joy'd.
Novirtuecurrentis,butwithherstamp,
Andnovicevicious,blanch'dwithherwhitehand.
Thecourt'stheabstractofallRome'sdesert,
AndmydearJuliatheabstractofthecourt.
Methinks,nowIcomenearher,Irespire
SomeairofthatlatecomfortIreceived;
Andwhiletheevening,withhermodestveil,
Givesleavetosuchpoorshadowsasmyself
Tostealabroad,I,likeaheartlessghost,
Withoutthelivingbodyofmylove,
Willherewalkandattendher:forIknow
Notfarfromhencesheisimprisoned,
Andhopes,ofherstrictguardian,tobri!>e
Somuchadmittance,astospeaktomo,
Andcheermyfaintingspiritswithherbreath.
Julia,[appearsaboveatherchamberwindow.]Ovid?mylove?
Ovid.Here,heavenlyJulia.
Jul.Here!andnothere!O,howthatworddothplayWithbothourfortunes,differing,likeourselves,Bothone;andyetdivided,asopposed!Ihigh,thoulow:0,thisourplightofplaroDoublypresentsthetwoletsofourlove,Localandceremonialheight,andlown-Bothways,Iamtoohigh,andthoutoolow.
Ourmindsareevenyet;O,whyshouldourbodies,
Thataretheirslaves,besowithouttheirrule?
I'llcastmyselfdowntothee;ifIdie,
I'lleverlivewiththee:noheightofbirth,
Ofplace,ofduty,orofcruelpower,
Shallkeepmefromthee;shouldmyfatherlock
Thisbodyupwithinatombofbrass,
YetI'llbewiththee.IftheformsIhold
Nowinmysoul,bemadeonesubstancewithit;
Thatsoulimmortal,andthesame'tisnow;
Deathcannotrazetheaffectsshenowretaineth:
Andthen,mayshebeanywhereshewill.
Thesoulsofparentsrulenotchildren'ssouls,
Whendeathsetsbothintheirdissolv'destates;
Thenisnochildnorfather;theneternity
Freesallfromanytemporalrespect.
Icome,myOvid;takemeinthinearms,
Andletmebreathemysoulintothybreast.
Ovid.0stay,mylove;thehopesthoudostconceiveOfthyquickdeath,andofthyfuturelife,Arenotauthentical.Thouchoosestdeath,Sothoumight'st'joythyloveintheotherlife:Butknow,myprincelylove,whenthouartdead,Thouonlymustsurviveinperfectsoul;Andinthesoularenoaffections.Wepouroutouraffectionswithourblood,And,withourblood'saffections,fadeourloves.Nolifehathloveinsuchsweetstateasthis;NoessenceissodeartomoodysenseAsfleshandblood,whosequintessenceissense.Beauty,composedofbloodandflesh,movesmore,Andismoreplausibletobloodandflesh,Thanspiritualbeautycanbetothespirit.Suchapprehensionaswehaveindreams,When,sleep,thebondofsenses,locksthemup,Suchshallwehave,whendeathdestroysthemquite.Iflovebethenthyobject,changenotlife;Livehighandhappystill:Istillbelow,Closewithmyfortunes,inthyheigntsnailjoy.
Jul.Ayme,thatvirtue,whosebraveeagle'swings,Witheverystrokeblowstarsinburningheaven,Should,likeaswallow,preyingtowardsstorms,Flyclosetoearth,andwithaneagerplume,Pursuethoseobjectswhichnoneelsecansee,Butseemtoalltheworldtheemptyair!Thusthou,poorOvid,andallvirtuousmen,Mustprey,likeswallows,oninvisiblefood,Pursuingflies,ornothing:andthuslove,Andeveryworldlyfancy,istransposed
Byworldlytyrannytowhatplightitlist.
0father,sincethougav'stmenotmymind,Strivenottoruleit;takebutwhatthougav'stTothydisposure:thyaffections
Rulenotinme;Imustbearallmygriefs,
Letmeuseallmypleasures;virtuouslove
Wasneverscandaltoagoddess'state.—
Buthe'sinflexible!and,mydearlove,
Thylifemaychancebeshorten'dbythelength
Ofmyunwillingspeechestodepart.
Farewell,sweetlife;thoughthoubeyetexiled
Theofficiouscourt,enjoymeamplystill:
Mysoul,inthismybreath,entersthineears,
Andonthisturret'sfloorwillIliedead,
Tillwemaymeetagain:Inthisproudheight,
1kneelbeneaththeeinmyprostratelove,Andkissthehappysandsthatkissthyfeet.GreatJovesubmitsasceptretoacell,Andlovers,eretheypart,willmeetinhell.
Ovid.Farewellallcompany,and,ifIcould,Alllightwiththee!hell'sshadeshouldhidemybrows,Tillthydearbeauty'sbeamsredeem'dmyvows.[Going
Jul.Ovid,mylove;alas!maywenotstayAlittlelonger,think'stthou,undiscern'd?
Ovid.Forthineowngood,fairgoddess,donotstay.WhowouldengageafirmamentoffiresShininginthee,forme,afallingstar?Begone,sweetlife-blood;ifIshoulddiscernThyselfbuttouch'dformysake,Ishoulddie.
Jul.Iwillbegone,then;andnotheavenitselfShalldrawmeback.
Ovid.Yet,Julia,ifthouwilt,Alittlelongerstay.
Jul.Iamcontent.
Ovid.O,mightyOvid!whattheswayofheavenCouldnotretire,mybreathhathturnedback.
Jul.Whoshallgofirst,mylove?mypassionateeyesWillnotenduretoseetheeturnfromme.
Ovid.Ifthougofirst,mysoulwillfollowthee.
Jul.Thenwemuststay.
Ovid.Ayme,thereisnostayInamorouspleasures;ifbothstay,bothdie.
Ihearthyfather;hence,mydeity.[Juliaretiresfromthewindow.Fearforgethsoundsinmydeludedears;Ididnothearhim;Iammadwithlove.Thereisnospiritunderheaven,thatworksWithsuchillusion;yetsuchwitchcraftkillme,Ereasoundmind,withoutit,savemylife!Here,onmyknees,Iworshiptheblestplace
Thatheldmygoddess;andthelovingair,
Thatclosedherbodyinhissilkenarms.
VainOvid!kneelnottotheplace,norair;
She'sinthyheart;risethen,andworshipthere.
Thetruestwisdomsillymencanhave,
Isdotageonthefolliesoftheirflesh.[Exit.
ACTV
SCENEI.—AnApartmentinthePalace.
EnterGESAB,MECLENAS,GALLUS,TIBUXLUS,HORACE,and
EquitesRoinani.
Cces.We,thathaveconquer'dstill,tosavetheconquer'd,Andlovedtomakeinflictionsfear'd,notfelt;Grievedtoreprove,andjoyfultoreward;Moreproudofreconcilementthanrevenge;Resumeintothelatestateofourlove,WorthyCorneliusGallus,andTibullus:Youbotharegentlemen:and,you,Cornelius,Asoldierofrenown,andthefirstprovostThateverletourRomaneaglesflyOnswarthy^Egypt,quarriedwithherspoils.Yet(nottobearcoldforms,normen'sout-terms,Withouttheinwardfires,andlivesofmen)Youbothhavevirtuesshiningthroughyourshapes;Toshew,yourtitlesarenotwritonposts,Orhollowstatueswhichthebestmenare,WithoutPrometheanstuffingsreach'dfromheaven!Sweetpoesy'ssacredgarlandscrownyourgentry:Whichis,ofallthefacultiesonearth,Themostabstractandperfect;ifshebeTrue-born,andnursedwithallthesciences.ShecansomouldRome,andhermonuments,Withintheliquidmarbleofherlines,Thattheyshallstandfreshandmiraculous,Evenwhentheymixwithinnovatingdust;InhersweetstreamsshallourbraveRomanspiritsChase,andswimafterdeath,withtheirchoicedeedsShiningontheirwhiteshoulders;andthereinShallTyber,andourfamousriversfallWithsuchattraction,thattheambitiouslineOftheroundworldshalltohercentreshrink,Toheartheirmusic:and,forthesehighparts,CsesarshallreverencethePierianarts.
Mec.Yourmajesty'shighgracetopoesy,Shallstand'gainstallthedulldetractionsOfleadensouls;who,forthevainassumings
Ofsome,quiteworthlessofhersovereignwreaths,Containherworthiestprophetsincontempt.
Gal.HappyisRomeofallearth'sotherstates,Tohavesotrueandgreatapresident,Forherinferiorspiritstoimitate,AsCaesaris;whoaddethtothesunInfluenceandlustre;inincreasingthusHisinspirations,kindlingfireinus.
Hor.PhoebushimselfshallkneelatCaesar'sshrine,Anddeckitwithbaygarlandsdew'dwithwine,ToquittheworshipCaesardoestohim:Whereotherprinces,hoistedtotheirthronesByFortune'spassionateanddisorder'dpower,Sitintheirheight,likecloudsbeforethesun,Hinderinghiscomforts;and,bytheirexcessOfcoldinvirtue,andcrossheatinvice,Thunderandtempestonthoselearnedheads,WhomCaesarwithsuchhonourdothadvance.
Tib.AllhumanbusinessfortunedothcommandWithoutallorder;andwithherblindhand,She,blind,bestowsblindgifts,thatstillhavenurst,Theyseenotwho,norhow,butstill,theworst.
Cces.Caesar,forhisrule,andforsomuchstuffAsFortuneputsinhishand,shalldisposeit,Asifhishandhadeyesandsoulinit,Withworthandjudgment.Hands,thatpartwithgiftsOrwillrestraintheiruse,withoutdesert,Orwithamiserynumb'dtovirtue'sright,Work,astheyhadnosoultogovernthem,Andquiterejecther;severingtheirestatesFromhumanorder.Whosoevercan,Andwillnotcherishvirtue,isnoman.
EntersomeoftheEquestrianOrder.
Eques.Virgilisnowathand,imperialCaesar.
Cces.Rome'shonourisathandthen.Fetchachair,Andsetitonourrighthand,where'tisfitRome'shonourandourownshouldeversit.NowheiscomeoutofCampania,Idoubtnothehathfinish'dallhis^Eneids.Which,likeanothersoul,Ilongtoenjoy.WhatthinkyouthreeofVirgil,gentlemen,Thatareofhisprofession,thoughrank'dhigher;Or,Horace,whatsay'stthou,thatartthepoorest,Andlikeliesttoenvy,ortodetract?
Hor.Caesarspeaksaftercommonmeninthis,Tomakeadifferenceofmeformypoorness;AsifthefilthofpovertysunkasdeepIntoaknowingspirit,asthebane
Ofrichesdothintoanignorantsoul.
No,Caesar,theybepathless,moorishminds
Thatbeingoncemaderottenwiththedung
Ofdamnedriches,everaftersink
Beneaththestepsofanyvillainy.
Butknowledgeisthenectarthatkeepssweot
Aperfectsoul,eveninthisgraveofsin;
Andformysoul,itisasfreeasCaesar's,
ForwhatIknowisdueI'llgivetoall.
Hethatdetractsorenviesvirtuousmerit,
Isstillthecovetousandtheignorantspirit.
Cces.Thanks,Horace,forthyfreeandwholesomesharpness,WhichpleasethCaesarmorethanservilefawns.Aflatter'dprincesoonturnstheprinceoffools.Andforthysake,we'llputnodifferencemoreBetweenthegreatandgoodforbeingpoor.Saythen,lovedHorace,thytruethoughtofVirgil.
Hor.Ijudgehimofarectifiedspirit,Bymanyrevolutionsofdiscourse,(Inhisbrightreason'sinfluence,)refinedFromallthetartarousmoodsofcommonmen;BearingthenatureandsimilitudeOfarightheavenlybody;mostsevereInfashionandcollectionofhimself;And,
then,asclearandconfidentasJove.
Gal.Andyetsochasteandtenderishisear,Insufferinganysyllabletopass,Thathethinksmaybecomethehonour'dnameOfissuetohissoexaminedself,Thatallthelastingfruitsofhisfullmerit,Inhisownpoems,hedothstilldistaste;Andifhismind'spiece,whichhestrovetopaint,Couldnotwithfleshlypencilshaveherright.
Tib.Buttoapprovehisworksofsovereignworth,Thisobservation,methinks,morethanserves,Andisnotvulgar.ThatwhichhehathwritIswithsuchjudgmentlabour'd,anddistill'dThroughalltheneedfulusesofourlives,Thatcouldamanrememberbuthislines,Heshouldnottouchatanyseriouspoint,Buthemightbreathehisspiritoutofhim.
Cces.Youmean,hemightrepeatpartofhisworks,Asfitforanyconferencehecanuse?
Tib.True,royalCaesar.
Cces.Worthilyobserved;Andamostworthyvirtueinhisworks.WhatthinksmaterialHoraceofhislearning?
Hor.Hislearningsavoursnottheschool-likegloss,Thatmostconsistsinechoingwordsandterms,
Andsoonestwinsamananemptyname;Noranylongorfar-fetch'dcircumstanceWrapp'dinthecuriousgeneraltiesofarts;ButadirectandanalyticsumOfalltheworthandfirsteffectsofarts.Andforhispoesy,'tissoramm'dwithlife,Thatitshallgatherstrengthoflife,withbeing,Andlivehereaftermoreadmiredthannow.
Coes.Thisoneconsentinallyourdoomsofhim,Andmutuallovesofallyourseveralmerits,Arguesatruthofmeritinyouall.—
EnterVIRGIL.
See,herecomesVirgil;wewillriseandgreethim.WelcometoCcesar,Virgil!CaesarandVirgilShalldifferbutinsound;toCaesar,Virgil,Ofhisexpressedgreatness,shallbemadeAsecondsirnarne,andtoVirgil,Caesar.Wherearethyfamous^Eneids?dousgraceToletussee,andsurfeitontheirsight.
Virg.WorthlesstheyareofCaesar'sgraciouseyes,Iftheywereperfect;muchmorewiththeirwants,Whichareyetmorethanmytimecouldsupply.And,couldgreatCe&sar'sexpectationBesatisfiedwithanyotherservice,Iwouldnotshewthem.
COBS.Virgilistoomodest;Orseeks,invain,tomakeourlongingsmore:Shewthem,sweetVirgil.
Virg.Then,insuchduefearAsfitspresentersofgreatworkstoCaesar,Ihumblyshewthem.
Cces.LetusnowbeholdAhumansoulmadevisibleinlife;AndmorerefulgentinasenselesspaperThaninthesensualcomplementofki:Read,readthyself,dearVirgil;letnotmeProfaneoneaccentwithanuntunedtongue:Bestmatter,badlyshewn,shewsworsethanbe,
I.Seethenthischair,ofpurposesetfortheeToreadthypoemin;refuseitnot.Virtue,withoutpresumption,placemaytahoAbovebestkings,whomonlysheshouldniako.
Virg.ItwillbethoughtathingridiculousTopresenteyes,andtoallfuturetimesAgrossuntruth,thatanypoet,voidOfbirth,orwealth,ortemporaldignity.Should,withdecorum,transcendCaesar'selvir.Poorvirtueraised,highbirthandwealthsetunlor,
Crossethheaven'scourses,andmakesworldlingswonder.
Gees.Thecourseofheaven,andfateitself,inthis,WillCaesarcross;muchmoreallworldlycustom.
Hor.Custom,incourseofhonour,evererrs;Andtheyarebestwhomfortuneleastprefers.
Gees.Horacehathbutmorestrictlyspokeourthoughts.ThevastrudeswingofgeneralconfluenceIs,inparticularends,exemptfromsense:Andthereforereason(whichinrightshouldbeThespecialrectorofallharmony)Shallshewweareamandistinctbyit,Fromthose,whomcustomraptethinherpress.Ascendthen,Virgil;andwherefirstbychanceWeherehaveturn'dthybook,dothoufirstread.
Virg.GreatCassarhathhiswill;Iwillascend.'Tweresimpleinjurytohisfreehand,Thatsweepsthecobwebsfromunusedvirtue,Andmakeshershineproportion'dtoherworth,Tobemorenicetoentertainhisgrace,Thanheischoice,andliberaltoaffordit.
Gees.Gentlemenofourchamber,guardthedoors,Andletnoneenter;[ExeuntEquites.]peace.Begin,goodVirgil.
Virg.Meanwhiletheskies'ganthunder,andintailOfthat,fellpouringstormsofsleetandhail:TheTyrianlordsandTrojanyouth,eachwhereWithVenus'Dardanenephew,now,infear,Seekoutforseveralshelterthroughtheplain,Whilstfloodscomerollingfromthehillsamain.Didoacave,theTrojanprincethesameLightedupon.Thereearthandheaven'sgreatdame,Thathaththechargeofmarriage,firstgavesignUntohiscontract;fireandairdidshine,Asguiltyofthematch;andfromthehillThenymphswithshriekingsdotheregionfill.Herefirstbegantheirbane;thisdaywasgroundOfalltheirills;fornow,norrumour'ssound,Nornicerespectofstate,movesDidoought;Herlovenolongernowbystealthissought:Shecallsthiswedlock,andwiththatfairnameCoversherfault.Forthwiththebruitandfame,ThroughallthegreatestLybiantoivnsisgone;Fame,afleetevil,thanwhichissivifternone,Thatmovinggrows,andflyinggathersstrength;Littleatfirst,andfearful;butatlengthShedaresattempttheskies,andstalkingproudWithfeetonground,herheaddothpierceacloud!Thischild,ourparentearth,stirredupwithspiteOfallthegods,broughtforth;and,assomewrite,Shewaslastsisterofthatgiantrace
ThatthoughttoscaleJove'scourt;rightswiftofpace,
Andswifttrfarofwing;amonstervast,
Anddreadful.Look,howmanyplumesareplaced
Onherhugecorps,somanywakingeyes
Stickunderneath;and,whichmaystrangerrise
Inthereport,asmanytonguesshebears,
Asmanymouths,asmanylisteningears.
Nightly,inmidstofalltheheaven,sheflies,
Andthroughtheearth'sdarkshadowshriekingcries;
J\V,rdohereyesoncebendtotastesweetsleep;
Bydayontopsofhousesshedothkeep,
Oronhightowers;anddoththenceaffright
Citiesandtownsofmostconspicuoussite:
Ascovetoussheisoftalesandlies,
Asprodigaloftruth:thismonster—
Lup.[within.']Come,followme,assistme,secondme!Where'stheemperor?
1Eques.[unthin]Sir,youmustpardonus.
2Eques.[within.}Caesarisprivatenow;youmaynotenter.Tuc.[within.]Notenter!Chargethemupontheirallegiance,
cropshin.
1Eques.[icithin.]Wehaveachargetothecontrary,sir.
Lup.[within.'}Ipronounceyoualltraitors,horribletraitors:What!doyouknowmyaffairs?IhavematterofdangerandstatetoimparttoCaesar.
Coes.Whatnoiseisthere?who'sthatnamesCaesar?
Lup.[within.]AfriendtoCaesar.Onethat,forCaesar'sgood,wouldspeakwithCaesar.
Cces.Whoisit?look,Cornelius.
1Eques.[trifj/in.]AsiniusLupus.
Cces.0,bidtheturbulentinformerhence;Wehavenovacantearnow,toreceiveTheunseason'dfruitsofhisofficioustongue.
Mec.Youmustavoidhimthere.
Lup.[within.]Iconjurethee,asthouartCaesar,orrespectestthineownsafety,orthesafetyofthestate,Caesar,hearme,speakwithme,Ca'sar;'tisnocommonbusinessIcomeabout,butsuch,asbeingneglected,mayconcernthelifeofCaesar.
Cces.ThelifeofCoesar!Lethimenter.Virgil,kcr>|>t!'vsr>at.
Equites.[within.]Bearback,there:whitherwillyou?keepbackl
EnterLUPUS,TUCCA,andLictors.
Tuc.Bythyleave,goodmanusher:mendthyperuke;so.
Lup.LayholdonHoracethere;andonMer-M-rins.lictors.Romans,olTr-rnorescue,uponyourallegiance:read,royalC;r[Givesapaper.}I'lltickleyou,Satyr.
TV.Hewill,Humours,hewill;hewillsqueezeyou,poetpuck-fist.
Lup.I'lllopyouoffforanunprofitablebranch,yousatiricalvarlet.
Tuc.Ay,andEpaminondasyourpatronhere,withhisflagonchain;come,resign:[takesoffMeccenas1chain,']though'twereyourgreatgrandfather's,thelawhasmadeitminenow,sir.Looktohim,myparty-colouredrascals;looktohim.
Gees.Whatisthis,AsiniusLupus?Iunderstanditnot.
Lup.Notunderstandit!Alibel,Caesar;adangerous,seditiouslibel;alibelinpicture.
Cces.Alibel!
Lup.Ay,IfounditinthisHoracehisstudy,inMecsenashishouse,here;Ichallengethepenaltyofthelawsagainstthem.
Tuc.Ay,andremembertobegtheirlandbetimes;beforesomeofthesehungrycourt-houndsscentitout.
Cces.ShewittoHorace:askhimifheknowit.
Lup.Knowit!hishandisatit,Caesar.
CCES.Then'tisnolibel.
Hor.Itistheimperfectbodyofanemblem,Cassar,IbeganforMecsenas.
Lup.Anemblem!right:that'sGreekforalibel.Dobutmarkhowconfidentheis.
Hor.Ajustmancannotfear,thoufoolishtribune;Not,thoughthemaliceoftraducingtongues,Theopenvastnessofatyrant'sear,Thesenselessrigourofthewrestedlaws,Ortheredeyesofstrain'dauthority,Should,inapoint,meetalltotakehislife:Hisinnocenceisarmour'gainstallthese.
Lup.Innocence!Oimpudence!letmesee,letmesee!Isnothereaneagle!andisnotthateaglemeantbyCsesar,ha?DoesnotCaesargivetheeagle?answerme;whatsayestthou?
Tuc.Hastthouanyevasion,stinkard?
Lup.Nowhe'sturn'ddumb.I'lltickleyou,Satyr.
Hor.Pish:ha,ha!
Lup.Dostthoupishme?Givememylongsword.
Hor.WithreverencetogreatCaesar,worthyRomans,Observebutthisridiculouscommenter;Thesoultomydevicewasinthisdistich:
Thusoft,thebaseandravenousmultitudeSurvive,tosharethespoilsoffortitude.
WhichinthisbodyIhavefiguredhere,Avulture—
Lup.Avulture!Ay,now,'tisavulture.Oabominable!monstrous!monstrous!hasnotyourvultureabeak?hasitnotlegs,andtalons,andwings,andfeathers?
Tuc.Touchhim,oldbuskins.
Hor.Andthereforemustitbeaneagle?
Mec.Respecthimnot,goodHorace:sayyourdevice.
Hor.Avultureandawolf—
ThePoetaster
Lup.Awolf!good:that'sI;Iamthewolf:myname'sLupus;Iammeantbythewolf.On,on;avultureandawolf—
Hor.Preyinguponthecarcassofanass—
Lup.Anass!goodstill:that'sItoo;Iamtheass.Youmeanmebytheass.
Mec.Prithee,leavebrayingthen.
Hor.Ifyouwillneedstakeit,Icannotwithmodestygiveitfromyou.
Mt-c.But,bythatbeast,theoldEgyptiansWerewonttofigure,intheirhieroglyphics,Patience,frugality,andfortitude;Fornoneofwhichwecansuspectyou,tribune.
Cces.Whowasit,Lupus,thatinform'dyoufirst,Thisshouldbemeantbyus?Orwas'tyourcomment?
Lup.No,Caesar;aplayergavemethefirstlightofitindeed.
Tuc.Ay,anhonestsycophant-likeslave,andapoliticianbesides.
Cces.Whereisthatplayer?
Tuc.Heiswithouthere.
Cces.Callhimin.
Tuc.Callintheplayerthere:master^sop,callhim.
Equites.[within.]Player!whereistheplayer?bearback:nonebuttheplayerenter.
Enter^Esop,followedbyCRISPINTJSandDEMETRIUS.
Tuc.Yes,thisgentlemanandhisAchatesmust.
Cris.Prayyou,masterusher:—we'llstandclose,here.
Tuc.'Tisagentlemanofquality,this;thoughhebesomewhatoutofclothes,Itellye.—Come,^Esop,hastabay-leafinthymouth?Wellsaid;benotout,stinkard.Thoushalthaveamonopolyofplayingconfirm'dtothee,andthycovey,undertheemperor'sbroadseal,forthisservice.
Cces.Isthishe?
Lup.Ay,Caesar,thisishe.
Cces.Lethimbewhipped.Lictors,gotakehimhence.And,Lupus,foryourfiercecredulity,Onefithimwithapairoflargerears:'TisCaesar'sdoom,andmustnotberevoked.\V<>hatetohaveourcourtandpeacedisturb'dWiththesequotidianclamours.Seeitdone.
Lup.Caesar![ExeuntsomeoftheLictorx,irithLupusand
Cces.Gaghim,[that]wemayhavehissilence.
Virg.CaesarhathdonelikeCaesar.FairandjustIshisaward,againstthesebrainlesscreatures.'Tisnotthewholesomesharpmorality,Ormodestangerofasatiricspirit,Thathurtsorwoundsthebodyofthestate;ButthesinisterapplicationOfthemalicious,ignorant,andbaseInterpreter;whowilldistort,andstrain
ThegeneralscopeandpurposeofanauthorTohisparticularandprivatespleen.
Cces.Weknowit,ourdearVirgil,andesteemitAmostdishonestpracticeinthatman,Willseemtoowittyinanother'swork.WhatwouldCorneliusGallus,andTibullus?[TheywhisperCcesar.
Tuc.[toMeccenas.]Nay,butasthouartaman,dosthear!amanofworshipandhonourable:hold,here,takethychainagain.Resume,madMecaenas.What!dostthouthinkImeanttohavekeptit,oldboy?no:Ididitbuttofrightthee,I,totryhowthouwould'sttakeit.What!
willIturnsharkuponmyfriends,ormyfriends'friends?Iscornitwithmythreesouls.Come,IlovebullyHoraceaswellasthoudost,I:'tisanhonesthieroglyphic.Givemethywrist,Helicon.DostthouthinkI'llseconde'erarhinocerosofthemall,againstthee,ha?orthynobleHippocrene,here?I'llturnstagerfirst,andbewhipttoo:dostthousee,bully?
Cces.YouhaveyourwillofCaesar:useit,Romans.Virgilshallbeyourpraetor:andourselfWillheresitby,spectatorofyoursports;Andthinkitnoimpeachofroyalty.Ourearisnowtoomuchprofaned,graveMaro,Withthesedistastes,totakethysacredlines;Putupthybook,tillboththetimeandweBefittedwithmorehallow'dcircumstanceForthereceivingofsodivineawork.Proceedwithyourdesign.
Mec.Gal.Tib.ThankstogreatCaesar.
Gal.Tibullus,drawyoutheindictmentthen,whilstHoracearreststhemonthestatuteofCalumny.MecaenasandIwilltakeourplaceshere.Lictors,assisthim.
Hor.Iamtheworstaccuserunderheaven.
Gal.Tut,youmustdoit;'twillbenoblemirth.
Hor.Itakenoknowledgethattheydomalignme.
Tib.Ay,buttheworldtakesknowledge.
Hor.WouldtheworldknewHowheartilyIwishafoolshouldhateme!
Tuc.BodyofJupiter!what!willtheyarraignmybriskPoetasterandhispoorjourneyman,ha?WouldIwereabroadskelderingforadrachm,soIwereoutofthislabyrinthagain!Idofeelmyselfturnstinkardalready:butImustsetthebestfaceIhaveupon'tnow.[Aside.]—Wellsaid,mydivine,deftHorace,bringthewhoresondetractingslavestothebar,do;makethemholduptheirspreadgolls:I'llgiveinevidenceforthee,ifthouwilt.Takecourage,Crispinus;wouldthymanhadacleanband!
Cris.Whatmustwedo,captain?
Tuc.Thoushaltseeanon:donotmakedivisionwiththylegsso.
Goes.What'she,Horace?
Hor.Ionlyknowhimforamotion,Caesar.
Tuc.Iamoneofthycommanders,Caesar;amanofserviceand
action:mynameisPantiliusTucca;IhaveservedinthywarsagainstMarkAntony,I.
Cces.Doyouknowhim,Cornelius?
Gal.He'sonethathathhadthemustering,orconvoyofacompanynowandthen:Inevernotedhimbyanyotheremployment.
Cces.\Wewillobservehimbetter.
Tib.Lictor,proclaimsilenceinthecourt.
Lict.InthenameofCaesar,silence!
Tib.Lettheparties,theaccuserandtheaccused,presentthemselves.
Lict.Theaccuserandtheaccused,presentyourselvesincourt.
Cris.Dem.Here.
Virg.Readtheindictment.
Tib.RufusLaberiusCrispinus,andDemetriusFannius,holdupyourhands.Youare,beforethistime,jointlyandseverallyindicted,andherepresentlytobearraigneduponthestatuteofcalumny,orLexRemmia,theonebythenameofRufusLaberiusCrispinus,aliasCri-spinas,poetasterandplagiary;theotherbythenameofDemetriusFannius,play-dresserandplagiary.Thatyou(nothavingthefearofPhoebus,orhisshafts,beforeyoureyes)contrarytothepeaceofourliegelord,AugustusCcesar,hiscrownanddignity,andagainsttheformofastatute,inthatcasemadeandprovided,havemostignorantly,foolishly,and,morelikeyourselves,maliciously,goneabouttodeprave,andcalumniatethepersonandwritingsofQuintusHoratiusFlaccus,herepresent,poet,andpriesttotheMuses;andtothatendhavemutuallyconspiredandplotted,atsundrytimes,asbyseveralmeans,andinsundryplaces,forthebetteraccomplishingyourbaseandenviouspurpose;taxinghimfalsely,ofself-love,arrogancy,impudence,railing,filchingbytranslation,etc.Ofallwhichcalumnies,andeveryofthem,inmannerandformaforesaid;wliatansweryou?Areyouguilty,ornotguilty?
Tuc.Notguilty,say.
Cris.Dem.Notguilty.
Tib.Howwillyoubetried?
Tuc.BytheRomanGods,andthenoblestRomans.
[AsidetoCrispinus.
Cris.Dem.BytheRomangods,andthenoblestRomans.
Virg.HeresitsMecaenas,andCorneliusGallus,areyoucontentedtobetriedbythese?
Tuc.Ay,sothenoblecaptainmaybejoinedwiththemincommission,say.[A*
Cris.Dem.Ay,sothenoblecaptainmaybejoinedwiththemincommission.
Virg.\Yhatsaystheplaintiff?
Hor.Iamcontent.
Virg.Captain,thentakeyourpinon.
Tuc.Alas,myworshipfulpraetor!'tismoreofthygentlenessthanofmydeserving,Iwusse.Butsinceithathpleasedthecourttomakechoiceofmywisdomandgravity,come,mycalumnious
varlets;let'shearyoutalkforyourselves,now,anhourortwo.Whatcanyousay?Makeanoise.Act,act!
Virg.Stay,turn,andtakeanoathfirst.Youshallswear,Bythunder-dartingJove,thekingofgods,AndbythegeniusofAugustusCcesar;Byyourownwhite,anduncorruptedsouls,AndthedeepreverenceofourRomanjustice;Tojudgethiscase,withtruthandequity:Asboundbyyourreligion,andyourlaws.Nowreadtheevidence:butfirstdemandOfeitherprisoner,ifthatwritbetheirs.[Giveshimtwopapers.
Tib.ShewthisuntoCrispinus.Isityours?
Tuc.Say,ay.[Aside.]—What!dostthoustanduponit,pimp?DonotdenythineownMinerva,thyPallas,theissueofthybrain.
Cris.Yesitismine.
Tib.ShewthatuntoDemetrius.Isityours?
Dem.Itis.
Tuc.There'safatherwillnotdenyhisownbastardnow,Iwarrantthee.
Virg.Readthemaloud.
Tib.Rampupmygenius,benotretrograde;ButboldlynominateaspadeaspadeWhat,shallthylubricalandglibberymuseLive,assheweredefunct,likepunkinstewsI
Tuc.Excellent!
Alas!thatwerenomodernconsequence,Tohavecothurnalbuskinsfrightedhence.No,teachthyIncubustopoetise;Andthrowabroadthyspurioussnotteries,Uponthatpuft-uplumpofbalmyfroth,
Tuc.Ah,Ah!
Orclumsychilblain'djudgment;thatwithoathMagnificateshismerit;andbespawlsTheconscioustime,withhumorousfoamandbraids,AsifhisorganonsofsensewouldcrackThesinewsofmypatience.Breakhisback,
0poetsallandsome!fornowwelist
Ofstrenuousvengeancetoclutchthefist.CRISPINUS.
Tuc.Ay,marry,thiswaswrittenlikeaHerculesinpoetry,now.
Cces.Excellentlywellthreaten'd!
Virg.Andasstrangelyworded,Csesar.
Cces.Weobserveit.
Virg.Theothernow.
Tuc.Thisisafellowofagoodprodigaltonguetoo,thiswilldowell.
Tib.OurMuseisinmindforth?untrussingapoet;
1slipbyhisname,formostmendoknowit:Acritic,thatalltheworldbescumbers
Withsatiricalhumoursandlyricalnumbers:
Tuc.Artthouthere,boy?Andforthemostpart,himselfdaffiadvanceWithmuchself-love,andmorearrogance.
Tuc.Goodagain!
And,butthatIwouldnotbethoughtapraler,Icouldtellyouhewereatranslator.Iknowtheauthorsfromwhencehehasstole,Andcouldtracehimtoo,butthatIunderstandthemnotfnilandwhole.
Tuc.Thatlineisbrokeloosefromallhisfellows:chainhimupshorter,do.
ThebestnoteIcangiveyoutoknowhimby,Is,thathekeepsgallants'company;WhomIcouldwish,intimeshouldhimfear,Lestaftertheybuyrepentancetoodear.DEME.FANNTUS.
Tuc.Wellsaid!Thiscarriespalmwithit.
Hor.Andwhy,thoumotleygull,whyshouldtheyfear?Whenhastthouknownuswrongortaxafriend?1darethymalicetobetrayit.Speak.Nowthoucurl'stup,thoupoorandnastysnake,Andshrink'stthypoisonousheadintothybosom:Out,viper!thouthateat'stthyparents,hence!Rather,suchspeckledcreatures,asthyself,Shouldbeeschew'd,andshunn'd;suchaswillbiteAndgnawtheirabsentfriends,notcuretheirfame;Catchattheloosestlaughters,andaffectTobethoughtjesters;suchascandeviseThingsneverseen,orhead,t'irnpairmen'snames,Andgratifytheircredulousadversaries;Willcarrytales,dobasestoffices,Cherishdividedfires,andstillencreaseNewflames,outofoldembers;willrevealEachsecretthat'scommittedtotheirtrust:Thesebeblackslaves;Romans,takeheedofthese.
Tuc.Thoutwang'stright,littleHorace:theybeindeedacoupleofchap-fall'ncurs.Come,weofthebench,let'srisetotheurn,andcondemnthemquickly.
Virg.Beforeyougotogether,worthyRomans,Wearetotenderouropinion;Andgiveyouthoseinstructions,thatmayaddUntoyourevenjudgmentinthecause:Whichthuswedocommence.First,youmustknow,Thatwherethereisatrueandperfectmerit,Therecanbenodejection;andthescornOfhumblebaseness,ofii-ntiniessoworksInahighsoul,uponthegrosserspirit,Thattohisblearedandoffendedsense,Thereseemsahideousfaultblazedintheobject;Whenonlythediseaseisinhiseyes.Here-henceitcomesourHoracenowstandstax'd
Ofimpudence,self-love,andarrogance,Bythosewhosharenomeritinthemselves;Andthereforethinkhisportionisassmall.Forthey,fromtheirownguilt,assuretheirsouls,Iftheyshouldconfidentlypraisetheirworks,Inthemitwouldappearinflation:Which,inafullandwelldigestedman,Cannotreceivethatfoulabusivename,Butthefairtitleoferection.And,forhistrueuseoftranslatingmen,Itstillhathbeenaworkofasmuchpalm,Inclearestjudgments,astoinventormake,Hissharpness,—thatismostexcusable;Asbeingforcedoutofasufferingvirtue,Oppressedwiththelicenseofthetime:Andhowsoeverfoolsorjerkingpedants,Players,orsuch-likebuffoonbarkingwits,MaywiththeirbeggarlyandbarrentrashTicklebasevulgarears,intheirdespite;This,likeJove'sthunder,shalltheirpridecontrol,'Thehonestsatirehaththehappiestsoul."
Now,Romans,youhaveheardourthoughts;withdrawwhenyouplease.
Tib.Removetheaccusedfromthebar.
Tuc.Whoholdstheurntous,ha?Fearnothing,I'llquityou,minehonestpitifulstinkards;I'lldo't.
Cris.Captain,youshalleternallygirtmetoyou,asIamgenerous.
Tuc.Goto.
CCBS.Tibullus,lettherebeacaseofvizardsprivatelyprovided;wehavefoundasubjecttobestowthemon.
Tib.Itshallbedone,Csesar.
Cces.Herebewords,Horace,abletobastinadoaman'sears.
Hor.Ay.
Pleaseit,greatCsesar,Ihavepillsaboutme,Alixtwiththewhitestkindofhellebore,Wouldgivehimalightvomit,thatshouldpurgeHisbrainandstomachofthosetumorousheats:AlightIhaveleavetoministeruntohim.
Cozs.O,behisvEsculapius,gentleHorace!Youshallhaveleave,andheshallbeyourpatient.Virgil,Useyourauthority,commandhimforth.
Virg.Csesariscarefulofyourhealth,Crispinus;AndhathhimselfchoseaphysicianToministeruntoyou:takehispills.
Hor.Theyaresomewhatbitter,sir,butverywholesome.Takeyetanother;so:standby,they'llworkanon.
Tib.Romans,returntoyourseveralseats:lictors,bringforwardtheurn;andsettheaccusedtothebar.
Tuc.Quickly,youwhoresonegregiousvarlets;comeforward.What!shallwesitalldayuponyou?Youmakenomorehastenow,thanabeggaruponpattens;oraphysiciantoapatientthathasnomoney,youpilchers.
Tib.RnfusLaberiusCrispinus,andDemetriusFanning,holdupyourhands.Youhave,accordingtotheRomancustom,putyourselvesupontrialtotheurn,fordiversandsundrycalumnies,whereofyouhave,beforethistime,beenindicted,andarenowpresentlyarraigned:prepareyourselvestohearkentotheverdictofyourtri/crs.CaiusCilniusMaecenaspronouncethyou,bythishand-writing,guilty.CorneliusGallus,guilty.PantiliusTucca—
Tuc.Parcel-guilty,I.
Dem.Hemeanshimself;foritwasheindeed.Suborn'dustothecalumny.
Tuc.I,youwhoresoncantharides!wasitI?
Dem.Iappealtoyourconscience,captain.
Tib.Thenyouconfessitnow?
Dem.Ido,andcravethemercyofthecourt.
Tib.WhatsaithCrispinus?
Cris.0,thecaptain,thecaptain—
Hor.Myphysicbeginstoworkwithmypatient,Isee.
Virg.Captain,standforthandanswer.
Tuc.Holdthypeace,poetpraetor:IappealfromtheetoCaesar,I.Domeright,royalCaesar.
CCBS.Marry,andIwill,sir.—Lietors,gaghim;do.Andputacaseofvizardso'erhishead,Thathemaylookbifronted,ashespeaks.
Tuc.Godsandfiends!Ca?sar!thouwiltnot.Caesar,wiltthou?Away,youwhoresonvultures;away.YouthinkIamadeadcorpsnow,becauseCaesarisdisposedtojestwithamanofmark.orso.Holdyourhook'dtalonsoutofmyflesh,youinhumanharpies.Goto,do't.What!willtheroyalAugustuscastawayagentlemanofworship,acaptainandacommander,foracoupleofcondemn'dcaitiffcalumniouscargos?
C^s.Dispatch,lictors.
Tuc.Ca-sar![Thevizardsarcputuponhim.
•9.Forward,Tibullus.
Virg.DemandwhatcausetheyhadtomalignHorace.
Dem.Introth,nogreatcause,notI.Imustconfess;butthathekeptbettercompany,forthemostpart,thanI;andthatInmenlovedhimthanlovedme:an<lthathiswritingsthrivedbetterthanmine,andwerebetterlikedandgraced:nothingelse.Virg.Thusenvioussoulsrepineatothers'Lrood.
H<>r.Ifthisbeall,faith.Iforgivetheefieely.Knvymestill,soIOULTasVirgillovesme,Callus.Tiluillu*.andthebest-to-ar,
.MydearMee>nas;whilethese,withmanymoro.WhosenamesIwiselyslip,shallthinku.eworthyTheirhonour'dandadoredsoeietv.
Andreadandlove,proveandapplaudmypoems;Iwouldnotwishbutsuchasyoushouldspitethem.
Cris.0—!
Tib.Hownow,Crispinus?
Cris.O,Iamsick—!
Hor.Abason,abason,quickly;ourphysicworks.Faintnot,man.
Cris.0retrogradereciprocalincubus.
COBS.What'sthat,Horace?
Hor.Retrograde,reciprocal,andincubus,arecomeup.
Gal.ThanksbetoJupiter!
Cris.Oglibberylubricaldefunct—0—!
Hor.Wellsaid;here'ssomestore.
Virg.Whatarethey?
Hor.Glibbery,lubrical,anddefunct.
Gal.O,theycameupeasy.
Cris.O0—!
Tib.What'sthat?
Hor.Nothingyet.
Cris.Magnificate—
Mec.Magnificate!Thatcameupsomewhathard.
Hor.Ay.Whatcheer,Crispinus?
Cris.O!Ishallcastupmyspurioussnotteries—
Hor.Good.Again.
Cris.Chilblairid0Oclumsie—
Hor.Thatclumsiestuckterribly.
Mec.What'sallthat,Horace?
Hor.Spurious,snotteries,chilblain'd,clumsie.
Tib.0Jupiter!
Gal.Whowouldhavethoughtthereshouldhavebeensuchadealoffilthinapoet?
Cris.O——balmyfroth—
Gees.What'sthat?
Cris.—Puffieinflateturgidousventosity.
Hor.Barmy,froth,puffie,inflate,turgidous,andventosityarecomeup.
Tib.Oterriblewindywords.
Gal.Asignofawindybrain.
Cris.0oblatrant-furibund-fatuatestrenuous—
Hor.Here'sadeal;oblatrant,furibund,fatuate,strenuous.
Gees.Nowall'scomeup,Itrow.Whatatumulthehadinhisbelly?
Hor.No,there'stheoftenconsciousdampbehindstill.
Cris.Oconsciousdamp.
Hor.Itiscomeup,thankstoApolloand^Esculapius:yetthere'sanother;youwerebesttakeapillmore.
Cris.0,no;O0O00!
Hor.Forceyourselfthenalittlewithyourfinger.
Cris.00prorumped.
Tib.Prorumped!Whatanoiseitmade!asifhisspiritwouldhaveprorumptwithit.
Cris.000!
Virg.Helphim,itsticksstrangely,whateveritis.
Cris.0clutcht.
Hor.Nowitiscome;clutcht.
Cses.Clutcht!itiswellthat'scomeup;ithadbutanarrowpassage.
Cris.0—!
Virg.Again!holdhim,holdhisheadthere,
Cris.Snarlinggusts——quakingcustard.
Hor.Hownow,Crispinus?
Cris.0obstupefact.
Tib.Nay,thatareallwe,Iassureyou.
Hor.Howdoyoufeelyourself?
Cris.Prettyandwell,Ithankyou.
Virg.Thesepillscanbutrestorehimforatime,Notcurehimquiteofsuchamalady,Caughtbysomanysurfeits,whichhavefill'dHisbloodandbrainthusfullofcrudities:'TisRecessarythereforeheobserveAstrictandwholesomediet.LookyoutakeEachmorningofoldCato'sprinciplesAgooddraughtnextyourheart;thatwalkupon,Tillitbewelldigested:thencomehome,AndtasteapieceofTerence,suckhisphraseInsteadofliquorice;and,atanyhand,ShunPlautusandoldEnnius:theyaremeatsTooharshforaweakstomach.Usetoread(Butnotwithoutatutor)thebestGreeks,AsOrpheus,Musseus,Pindarus,Hesiod,Callimachus,andTheocrite,HighHomer;butbewareofLycophron,Heistoodarkanddangerousadish.Youmustnothuntforwildoutlandishterms,Tostuffoutapeculiardialect;Butletyourmatterrunbeforeyourwords.AndifatanytimeyouchancetomeetSomeGallo-Belgicphrase,youshallnotstraightRackyourpoorversetogiveitentertainment,Butletitpass;anddonotthinkyourselfMuchdamnified,ifyoudoleaveitout,Whennoryourunderstanding,northesenseCouldwellreceiveit.Thisfairabstinence,Intime,willrenderyoumoresoundandclear:AndthishaveIprescribedtoyou,inplaceOfastrictsentence;whichtillheperform,Attirehiminthatrobe.AndhenceforthlearnTobearyourselfmorehumbly;nottosuell,
,98BenJensen'sPlays
Orbreatheyourinsolentandidlespite
Onhimwhoselaughtercanyourworstaffright.
Tib.Takehimaway.
Cris.JupiterguardCaesar!
Virg.Andforaweekortwoseehimlock'dupInsomedarkplace,removedfromcompany;Hewilltalkidlyelseafterhisphysic.Nowtoyou,sir.[toDemetrius.]TheextremityoflawAwardsyoutobebrandedinthefront,Forthisyourcalumny:butsinceitpleasethHorace,thepartywrong'd,t'intreatofCaesarAmitigationofthatjusterdoom,WithCaesar'stonguethuswepronounceyoursentence.DemetriusFannius,thoushalthereputonThatcoatandcap,andhenceforththinkthyselfNootherthantheymakethee;vowtowearthemIneveryfairandgenerousassembly,TillthebestsortofmindsshalltaketoknowledgeAswellthysatisfaction,asthywrongs.
Hor.Only,gravepraetor,here,inopencourt,IcravetheoathforgoodbehaviourMaybeadminister'duntothemboth.
Virg.Horace,itshall:Tibullus,giveitthem.
Tib.RufusLaberiusCrispinus,andDemetriusFannius,layyourhandsonyourhearts.Youshallheresolemnlyattestandswear,thatnever,afterthisinstant,eitheratbooksellers'stalls,intaverns,twopennyrooms,tyring-houses,noblemen'sbutteries,puisneschambers,(thebestandfarthestplaceswhereyouareadmittedtocome,)youshallonceofferordare(therebytoendearyourselfthemoretoanyplayer,enghle,orguiltygullinyourcompany)tomalign,traduce,ordetractthepersonorwritingsofQuintusHoratiusFlaccus,oranyothereminentmen,transcendingyouinmerit,whomyourenvyshall-findcausetoworkupon,eitherforthat,orforkeepinghimselfinbetteracquaintance,orenjoyingbetterfriends;orif,transportedbyanysuddenanddesperateresolution,youdo,thatthenyoushallnotunderthebatoon,orinthenextpresence,beinganhonourableassemblyofhisfavourers,bebroughtasvoluntarygentlementoundertaketheforswearingofit.Neithershallyou,atanytime,ambitiouslyaffectingthetitleoftheUntrussersorWhippersoftheage,suffertheitchofwritingtoover-runyourperformanceinlibel,uponpainofbeingtakenupforlepersinwit,and,losingbothyourtimea*ndyourpapers,beirrecoverablyforfeitedtothehospitaloffools.SohelpyouourRomangodsandtheGeniusofgreatCcesar.
Virg.So!nowdissolvethecourt.
Hor.Tib.Gal.Mec.AndthankstoCaesar,Thatthushathexercisedhispatience.
Cces.Wehave,indeed,youworthiestfriendsofCaesar.Itisthebaneandtormentofourears,Tohearthediscordsofthosejanglingrhymers,
ThatwiththeirbadandscandalouspracticesBringalltrueartsandlearningincontempt.But
letnotyourhighthoughtsdescendsolowAsthesedespisedobjects;letthemfall,Withtheirflatgrovellingsouls:beyouyourselves;Andaswithourbestfavoursyoustandcrown'd,Soletyourmutuallovesbestillrenown'd.Envywilldwellwherethereiswantofmerit,Thoughthedeservingmanshouldcrackhisspirit.
Blush,folly,blush;here'snonethatfears
Thewaggingofanass'sears,
Althoughawolfishcasehewears.
Detractionisbutbaseness'varlet;
Andapesareapes,thoughclothedinscarlet.[Exeunt.
Rumpatur,quisquisrumpiturinvidiS.
"Here,reader,inplaceoftheepilogue,wasmeanttotheeanapologyfromtheauthor,withhisreasonsforthepublishingofthisbook:but,sinceheisnolessrestrained,thanthoudeprivedofitbyauthority,hepraystheetothinkcharitablyofwhatthouhastread,tillthoumayesthearhimspeakwhathehathwritten."
HORACEANDTREBATIUS.ADIALOGUE.
Sat.1.Lib.2.
Hor.TherearetowhomIseemexcessivesour,Andpastasatire'slawt'extendmypower:Others,thatthinkwhateverIhavewritWantspithandmattertoeterniseit;Andthattheycould,inoneday'slight,discloseAthousandverses,suchasIcompose.WhatshallIdo,Trebatius?say.
Treb.Surcease.
Hor.Andshallmymuseadmitnomoreincrease?
Treb.SoIadvise.
Hor.Anilldeathletmedie,If'twerenotbest;butsleepavoidsmineeye,AndIusethese,lestnightsshouldtediousserin.
Treb.Rather,contendtosleep,andlivelikethem,That,holdinggoldensleepinspecialprice,Rubb'dwithsweetoils,swimsilverTyberthrice,Andeveryevenwithneatwinesteepedbe:Or,ifsuchloveofwritingravishthee,Thendaretosingunconquer'dC;esar'sdeeds;Whocheerssuchactionswithabundantmeeds.
Hor.That,father,1desire;but,whenItry,
Ifeeldefectsineveryfaculty:
Noris'talabourfitforeverypen,
Topaintthehorridtroopsofarmedmen,
Thelancesburst,inGallia'sslaughter'dforces;
OrwoundedParthians,tumbledfromtheirhorses:
GreatCaesar'swarscannotbefoughtwithwords.
Treb.Yet,whathisvirtueinhispeaceaffords,HisfortitudeandjusticethoucanstshewAswiseLuciliushonour'dScipio.
Hor.Ofthat,mypowersshallsuffernoneglect,Whensuchslightlaboursmayaspirerespect:But,ifIwatchnotamostchosentime,ThehumblewordsofFlaccuscannotclimbTh'attentiveearofCaesar;normustIWithlessobservanceshungrossflattery:Forhe,reposedsafeinhisownmerit,Spurnsbacktheglosesofafawningspirit.
Treb.ButhowmuchbetterwouldsuchaccentssoundThanwithasadandseriousversetowoundPantolabus,railinginhissaucyjests,OrNomentanusspentinriotousfeasts?[nsatires,eachman,thoughuntouch'd,complainsAshewerehurt;andhatessuchbitingstrains.
Hor.WhatshallIdo?MiloniusshakeshisheelsInceaselessdances,whenhisbrainoncefeelsThestirringfervourofthewineascend;Andthathiseyesfalsenumbersapprehend.Castorhishorse,Polluxloveshandy-fights;Athousandheads,athousandchoicedelights.Mypleasureisinfeetmywordstoclose,As,bothourbetter,oldLuciliusdoes:He,ashistrustyfriends,hisbooksdidtrustWithallhissecrets;nor,inthingsunjust,Oractionslawful,rantoothermen:Sothattheoldman'slifedescribed,wasseenAsinavotivetableinhislines:Andtohisstepsmygeniusinclines;Lucanian,orApulian,Iknownotwhether,FortheVenusiancolonyploughseither;Sentthither,whentheSabineswereforcedthence,AsoldFamesings,togivetheplacedefence'Gainstsuchas,seeingitempty,mightmakeroadUpontheempire;ortherefixabode:WhethertheApulianbordereritwere,OrtheLucanianviolencetheyfear.—Butthismystylenolivingmanshalltouch,IffirstIbenotforcedbybasereproach;ButlikeasheathedsworditshalldefendMyinnocentlife;forwhyshouldIcontend
Todrawitout,whennomaliciousthiefRobsmygoodname,thetreasureofinylife?
0Jupiter,letitwithrustbeeaten,Beforeittouch,orinsolentlythreatenThelifeofanywiththeleastdisease;
SomuchIlove,andwooageneralpeace.But,hethatwrongsme,better,Iproclaim,Heneverhadassay'dtotouchmyfame.Forheshallweep,andwalkwitheverytongueThroughoutthecity,infamouslysung.Serviusthepraetorthreatsthelaws,andurn,Ifanyathisdeedsrepineorspurn;ThewitchCanidia,thatAlbutiusgot,Denouncethwitchcraft,whereshelovethnot;Thuriusthejudge,doththunderworldsofill,Tosuchasstrivewithhisjudicialwill.Allmenaffrighttheirfoesinwhattheymay,Naturecommandsit,andmenmustobey.
Observewithme:Thewolfhistoothdothuse,Thebullhishorn;andwhodoththisinfuse,Butnature?There'sluxuriousScseva;trustHislong-livedmotherwithhim;hissojustAndscrupulousright-handnomischiefwill;Nomorethanwithhisheelawolfwillkill,Oroxwithjaw:marry,lethimaloneWithtemperdpoisontoremovethecroan.Butbriefly,iftoageIdestinedbe,Orthatquickdeath'sblackwingsenvironme;Ifrich,orpoor;atRome;orfatecommand
1shallbebanishedtosomeotherland;Whathuesoevermywholestateshallbear,Iwillwritesatiresstill,inspiteoffear.
Treb.Horace,Ifearthoudraw'stnolastingbreath;Andthatsomegreatman'sfriendwillbethydeath.
Hor.What!whenthemanthatfirstdidsatiriseDurstpulltheskinovertheearsofvice,Andmakewhostoodinoutwardfashionclear,Giveplace,asfoulwithin;shallIforbear?DidLselius,orthemansogreatwithfame,Thatfromsack'dCarthagefetch'dhisworthyname,StormthatLuciliusdidMetelluspierce,OrburyLupusquickinfamousverse?Rulersandsubjects,bywholetribeshecheckt,Butvirtueandherfriendsdidstillprotect:Andwhenfromsight,orfromthejudgment-seat,ThevirtuousScipioandwiseL;i-liusmet,Unbraced,withhiminalllightsportstheyshared,Tilltheirmostfrugalsupperswereprepared.WLate'erIam,thoughbothforwealthandwit
BeneathLuciliusIampleasedtosit;YetEnvy,spiteofherempoison'dbreast,Shallsay,Ilivedingraceherewiththebest;Andseekinginweaktrashtomakeherwound,Shallfindmesolid,andherteethunsound:'Lesslearn'dTrebatius'censuredisagree.
Treb.No,Horace,Iofforcemustyieldtothee:Onlytakeheed,asbeingadvisedbyme,Lestthouincursomedanger:betterpause,Thanruethyignoranceofthesacredlaws;There'sjustice,andgreatactionmaybesued'Gainstsuchaswrongmen'sfameswithverseslewd.
Hor.Ay,withlewdverses,suchaslibelsbe,Andaim'datpersonsofgoodquality:Ireverenceandadorethatjustdecree.Butiftheyshallbesharp,yetmodestrhymes,Thatsparemen'spersons,andbuttaxtheircrimes,Suchshallinopencourtfindcurrentpass,WereCaesarjudge,andwiththemaker'sgrace.
Treb.Nay,I'lladdmore;ifthouthyself,beingclear,ShalltaxinpersonamanfittobearShameandreproach,hissuitshallquicklybeDissolvedinlaughter,andthouthencesetfree.
TOTHEREADER
If,bylookingonwhatispast,thouhastdeservedthatname,Iamwillingthoushouid'styetknowmore,bythatwhichfollows,anAPOLO-GETICALDIALOGUE;whichwasonlyoncespokenuponthestage,andalltheanswerIevergavetosundryimpotentlibelsthencastout(andsomeyetremaining)againstme,andthisplay.WhereinItakenopleasuretorevivethetimes;butthatposteritymaymakeadifferencebetweentheirmannersthatprovokedmethen,andminethatneglectedthemever,For,inthesestrifes,andonsuchpersons,wereaswretchedtoaffectavictory,asitisunhappytobecommittedwiththem.
Nonannorumcanitiesestlaudanda,sedmorum.
SCENE,TheAuthor'sLodgings.EnterNASUTUSandPOLYPOSUS.
Nas.Iprayyou,let'sgoseehim,howhelooksAftertheselibels.
Pol.0vex'd,vex'd,Iwarrantyou.
Nas.Doyouthinkso?Ishouldbesorryforhim,IfIfoundthat.
Pol.O,theyaresuchbitterthings,Hecannotchoose.
Nas.But,isheguiltyofthem?
Pol.Fuh!thafsnomatter.
Nas.NoI
Pol.No.Here'shislodging.
ThePoetaster
3°3
We'llstealuponhim:orIcfslisten;stay.Hehasahumourofttotalkfhimself.
Xas.Theyareyourmannersleadme,notmineown.
[Theycomeforward;thesceneopens,anddiscoverstheAuthorinhisstudy.
Aut.Thefateshavenotspunhimthecoarsestthread,That(freefromknotsofperturbation)Dothyetsolive,althoughbuttohimself,Ashecansafelyscornthetonguesofslaves.Andneglectfortune,morethanshecanhim.Itistheliappiestthingthis,nottobeWithinthereachofmalice;itprovidesAmansowell,tolaughoffinjuries;Andneversendshimfartherforhisvengeance,Thanthevex'dbosomofhisenemy.I,now,butthinkhowpoortheirspitesetsoff,Who,afteralltheirwasteofsulphurousterms,Andburst-outthunderoftheirchargedmouthstHavenothingleftbuttheunsavourysmokeOftheirblackvomit,toupbraidthemselves:WhilstI,atwhomtheyshot,sithereshot-free,Andasunhurtofenvy,asunhit.
[Pol.andNas.discoverthemselves.
Pol.Ay,butthemultitudetheythinknotso,sir;Theythinkyouhit,andhurt:anddaregiveout,YoursilencearguesitinnotrejoiningTothisorthatlatelibel.
Aut.'Las,goodrout!Icanaffordthemleavetoerrsostill;AndlikethebarkingstudentsofBears-college,ToswallowupthegarbageofthetimeWithgreedygullets,whilstmyselfsitby,Pleased,andyettortured,withtheirbeastlyfeeding.'Tisasweetmadnessrunsalongwiththem,Tothink,allthatareaim'datstillarestruck:Then,wheretheshaftstilllights,makethatthemark:Andsoeachfearorfever-shakenfoolMaychallengeTeucer'shandinarchery.Goodtroth,ifIknewanymansovile,ToactthecrimestheseWhippersreprehend,Orwhattheirservileapesgesticulate,Ishouldnotthenmuchmusetheirshredswereliked;Sinceillmenhavealustfhearothers'sins,Allgoodmenhaveazealtohearsinshamed.Butwhenitisallexcrementtheyvent,Basefilthandoffal;ort/irf/*,notableAsocean-piracies,orhighway-stands;Andnotacrimetheretax'd,butistheiroim,Orwhattheirownfoulthoughtssuggestedtothem;
Andthat,inalltheirheatoftaxingothers,
Notoneofthembutliveshimself,ifknown,
Improbiorsatiramscribentecinaedo,
WhatshouldIsaymore,thanturnstonewithwonder!
Nas./neversawthisplaybredallthistumult:Whatwasthereinitcouldsodeeplyoffend,Andstirsomanyhornets?
Aut.SJiallItellyou?
Nas.Yes,andingenuously.
Aut.Then,bythehopeWhichIpreferuntoallotherobjects,Icanprofess,IneverwritthatpieceMoreinnocentoremptyofoffence.Somesaltithad,butneithertoothnorgall,Norwas
thereinitanycircumstanceWhich,inthesettingdown,IcouldsuspectMightbepervertedbyanenemy'stongue;OnlyithadthefaulttobecaWdmine;Thatwasthecrime.
Pol.No!why,theysayyoutax'dThelawandlawyers,captainsandtheplayers,Bytheirparticularnames.
Aut.Itisnotso.
Iusednoname.MybookshavestillbeentaughtTosparethepersons,andtospeakthevices.Thesearemereslanders,andenforcedbysuchAshavenosaferwaystomen'sdisgraces.Buttheirownliesandlossofhonesty:Fellowsofpractisedandmostlaxativetongues,Whoseemptyandeagerbellies,intheyear,Compeltheirbrainstomanydesperateshifts,(Isparetonamethem,fortheirwretchednessFuryitselfwouldpardon).These,orsuch,Whetherofmalice,orofignorance,Oritchfhavemetheiradversary,Iknownot,Orallthesemixt;butsureIam,threeyearsTheydidprovokemewiththeirpetulantstylesOneverystage:andIatlastunwilling,Butweary,Iconfess,ofsomuchtrouble,TJioughtIwouldtryifshamecouldwinupon'em;AndthereforechoseAugustusCcesar'stimes,WhenwitandartswereattheirheightinRome,ToshewthatVirgil,Horace,andtherestOfthosegreatmaster-spirits,didnotwantDetractorsthen,orpracticersagainstthem:Andbythisline,althoughnoparallel,Ihopedatlasttheywouldsitdownandblush;ButnothingIcouldfindmorecontrary.Andthoughtheimpudenceoffliesbegreat,
Yetthishathsoprovokedtheangrywasps,Or,asyousaid,ofthenextnest,thehornets,Thattheyflybuzzing,mad,aboutmynostrils,And,likesomanyscreaminggrasshoppersHeldbythewings,filleveryearwithnoise.Andwliat?thoseformercalumniesyoumentioned.First,ofthelaw:indeedIbroughtinOvidChidbyhisangryfatherforneglectingTJiestudyoftheirlawsforpoetry:AndIamwarrantedbyhisownwords:
Saepepaterdixifc,studiumquidinutiletentas?Mseonidesnullasipsereliquitopes.
Andinfarharshertermselsewhere,asthese:
Nonmeverbosaslegesediscere,nonineIngratovocesprostituisseforo.
Buthowthisshouldrelateuntoourlaws,Orthejustministers,withleastabuse,Ireverencebothtoomuchtounderstand!
Then,forthecaptain,IwillonlyspeakAnepigramIhereJiavemade:itisUNTOTRUESOLDIERS.That'sthelemma:markit.Strengthofmycountry,whilstIbringtoviewSuchasaremis-call'dcaptains,andwrongyou,Andyourhighnames;Idodesire,thatthence,Benorputonyou,noryoutakeoffence:Iswearbyyourtruefriend,mymuse,IloveYourgreatprofessionwhichIoncedidprove;Anddidnotshameitwithmyactionsthen,XomorethanIdarenowdowithmypen.Hethatnottrustsme,havingvow'dthusmuch,But'sangryforthecaptain,still:issuch.
Nowfortheplayers,itistrue,Itax'dthem,Andyetbutsome;andthosesosparingly,Asalltherestmighthavesatstillunquestioned,HadtheybuthadthewitorconscienceTothinkwellofthemselves.Butimpotent,theyThoughteachman'svicebelongedtotheirwhole
tribe;Andmuchgooddo'tthem!Whattheyhavedone'gainstme,Iamnotmovedwith:ifitgavethemmeat,Orgotthemclothes,'tiswell;thatwastheirend.Onlyamongstthem,IamsorryforSomebetternatures,bytherestsodrawn,Toruninthatvileline.
Pol.Andisthisall!Willyounotanswerthenthelibels?
Aut.No.
Pol.NortheUntrussers?
Aut.Neither.
Pol.Y'areundonethen.
Aut.Withwhom?
Pol.Theworld.
Aut.Thebawdf
Pol.ItwillbetakenTobestupidityortamenessinyou.
Aut.Buttheythathaveincensedme,caninsoulAcquitmeofthatguilt.TheyknowIdareTospurnorbafflethem,orsquirttheireyesWithinkorurine;orIcoulddoworse,Arm'dwithArchilochus*fury,writeIambics,Shouldmakethedesperatelashershangthemselves;Ehimethemtodeath,astheydoIrishratsIndrummingtunes.Or,living,IcouldstampTheirforeheadswiththosedeepandpublicbrands,Thatthewholecompanyofbarber-surgeonsShouldnottakeoffwithalltheirartandplasters.Andthesemyprintsshouldlast,stilltobereadIntheirpalefronts;when,whattheywrite'gainstmeShall,likeafiguredrawninwater,fleet,AndthepoorwretchedpapersbeemployedToclothetobacco,orsomecheaperdrug:ThisIcoulddo,andmaketheminfamous.But,towhatend?whentheirowndeedshavemarked'em;AndthatIknow,withinhisguiltybreastEachslandererbearsawhipthatshalltormenthimWorsethanamillionofthesetemporalplagues:Whichtopursue,werebutafemininehumourtAndfarbeneaththedignityofman.
Nas.'Tistrue;fortorevengetheirinjuries,Weretoconfessyoufeltthem.Letthemgo,Andusethetreasureofthefool,theirtongues,Whomakeshisgain,byspeakingworstofbest.
Pol.0,buttheylayparticularimputations—
Aut.Aswhat?
Pol.Thatallyourwritingismererailing.
Aut.Ha?
IfallthesaltintheoldcomedyShouldbesocensured,orthesharperwitOftheboldsatiretermedscoldingrage,Whatagecouldthencomparewithtlwseforbuffoons?WhatshouldbesaidofAristophanes,Persius,orJuvenal,whosenameswenowSoglorifyinschools,atleast
pretendit.?—Havetheynoother?
Pol.Yes;theysayyouareslow,Andscarcebringforthaplayayear.
Aut.'Tistrue.
IwouldtheycouldnotsaythatIdidthat/
There'sallthejoythatItakeintheirtrade,
Unlesssuchscribesasthesemightbeproscribed
Th'abusedtheatres.Theywouldthinkitstrange,now,
Amanshouldtakebutcolts-footforoneday,
And,betweenwhiles,spitoutabetterpoem
Thane'erthemasterofart,orgiverofwit,
Theirbelly,made.Yet,thisispossible,
Ifafreemindhadbutthepatience,
Tothinksomuchtogetherandsovile.
Butthatthesebaseandbeggarlyconceits
Shouldcarryit,bythemultitudeofvoices,
Againstthemostabstractedwork,opposed
Tothestuff'dnostrilsofthedrunkenrout!
0,thiswouldmakealearn'dandliberalsoul
Torivehisstainedquilluptotheback,
Anddamnhislong-watch'dlabourstothefire;
Thingsthatwerebornwhennonebutthestillnight
Andhisdumbcandle,sawhispinchingthroes;
Werenothisownfreemeritamorecrown
Untohistravailsthantheirreelingclaps.
This'tisthatstrikesmesilent,sealsmylips,
Andaptsmerathertosleepoutmytime,
ThanIwouldwasteitincontemnedstrifes
WiththesevileIbides,theseuncleanbirds,
Thatmaketheirmouthstheirclysters,andstillpurge
Fromtheirhotentrails.ButIleavethemonsters
Totheirownfate.And,sincetheComicMuse
Hathprovedsoominoustome,Iwilltry
IfTRAGEDYhaveamorekindaspect;
HerfavoursinmynextIwillpursue,
Where,ifIprovethepleasurebutofone,
Sohejudiciousbe,heshallbealone
Atheatreuntome;OnceI'llsay
Tostriketheearoftimeinthosefreshstrains,
Asshall,besidethecunningoftheirground,Givecausetosomeofwonder,somedespite,
Andmoredespair,toimitatetheirsound./,thatspendhalfmynights,andallmydays,
Hereinacell,togetadarkpaleface,Tocomeforthworththeivyorthebays,
Andinthisagecanhopenoothergrace—Leaveme!There'ssomethingcomeintomythought,Tintmustandshallbesunghighandaloof,Safefromthewolfsblackjaw,andthedullr/.x-.y'*J>t»f.
Xas./referencetheseraptures,andobeythet/i.
[Thescenecloses.
SEJANUS:HISFALL
TOTHENOLESSNOBLEBYVIRTUETHANBLOOD
ESMELORDAUBIGNY
MYLORD,—Ifeveranyruinweresogreatastosurvive,IthinkthisbeoneIsendyou,TheFallofSejanus.Itisapoem,that,ifIwellremember,inyourlordship'ssight,sufferednolessviolencefromourpeoplehere,thanthesubjectofitdidfromtherageofthepeopleofRome;butwithadifferentfate,as,Ihope,merit:forthishathoutlivedtheirmalice,andbegotitself
agreaterfavourthanhelost,theloveofgoodmen.Amongstwhom,ifImakeyourlordshipthefirstitthanks,itisnotwithoutajustconfessionofthebondyourbenefitshave,andevershallholduponme,Yourlordship'smostfaithfulhonourer.BENJONSON.
TOTHEREADERS
THEfollowingandvoluntarylaboursofmyfriends,prefixedtomybook,haverelievedmeinmuchwhereat,withoutthem,Ishouldnecessarilyhavetouched.NowIwillonlvusethreeorfourshortandneedfulnotes,andsorest.
First,ifitbeobjected,thatwhatIpublishisnotruepoem,inthestrictlawsoftime,Iconfessit:asalsointhewantofaproperchorus;whosehabitandmoodsaresuchandsodifficult,asnotany,whomIhaveseen,sincetheancients,no,nottheywhohavemostpresentlyaffectedlaws,haveyetcomeinthewayof.Norisitneedful,oralmostpossibleintheseourtimes,andtosuchauditorsascommonlythingsarepresented,toobservetheoldstateandsplendourofdramaticpoems,withpreservationofanypopulardelight.ButofthisIshalltakemoreseasonablecausetospeak,inmyobservationsuponHoracehisArtofPoetry,which,withthetexttranslated,Iintendshortlytopublish.Inthemeantime,ifintruthofargument,dignityofpersons,gravityandheightofelocution,fulnessandfrequencyofsentence,Ihavedischargedtheotherofficesofatragicwriter,letnottheabsenceoftheseformsbeimputedtome,whereinIshallgiveyouoccasionhereafter,andwithoutmyboast,tothinkIcouldbetterprescribe,thanomitthedueuseforwantofaconvenientknowledge.
Thenextis,lestinsomenicenostrilthequotationsmightsavouraffected,Idoletyouknow,thatIabhornothingmore;andIhaveonlydoneittoshewmyintegrityinthestory,andsavemyselfinthosecommontorturersthatbringallwittotherack;whosenosesareeverlikeswine,spoilingandrootinguptheMuses'gardens;andtheirwholebodieslikemoles,asblindlyworkingunderearth,tocastany,theleast,hillsuponvirtue.
WhereastheyareinLatin,andtheworkinEnglish,itwaspresupposednonebutthelearnedwouldtakethepainstoconferthem:theauthorsthemselvesbeingallinthelearnedtongues,saveone,withwhoseEnglishsideIhavehadlittletodo.Towhichitmayberequired,sinceIhavequotedthepage,tonamewhateditionsIfollowed:Tacit.Lips,inquarto,Antwerp,edit.1600;Dio.folio,Hen.Steph.1592.Fortherest,asSueton.,Seneca,etc.,thechapterdothsufficientlydkect,ortheeditionisnotvaried.
Lastly,Iwouldinformyou,thatthisbook,inallnumbers,isnotthesamewiththatwhichwasactedonthepublicstage;whereinasecondpenhadgoodshare:inplaceofwhich,Ihaveratherchosentoputweaker,and,nodoubt,lesspleasing,ofmineown,thantodefraudsohappyageniusofhisrightbymyloathedusurpation.
Fareyouwell,andifyoureadfartherofme,andlike,Ishallnotbeafraidofit,thoughyoupraisemeout.
Nequeenimmihicorneafibraest.
ButthatIshouldplantmyfelicityinyourgeneralsaying,good,orwelletc.,wereaweaknesswhichthebettersortofyoumightworthilycontemn,ifnotabsolutelyhatemefor.BEN
JONSON;
andnosuch,QuernPalmanegatamacrum,donatareducitopimuni.
THEARGUMENT
.^ELIUSSEJANUS,sontoSeiusStrabo,agentlemanofRome,andbornatVulsinium;afterhislongserviceincourt,firstunderAugustus;afterward,Tiberius;grewintothatfavourwiththelatter,andwonhimbythosearts,astherewantednothingbutthenametomakehimaco-partneroftheempire.Whichgreatnessofhis,Drusus,theemperor'sson,notbrooking;aftermanysmothereddislikes,itonedaybreakingout,theprincestruckhimpubliclyontheface.Torevengewhichdisgrace,Livia,thewifeofDrusus(beingbeforecorruptedbyhimtoherdishonour,andthediscoveryofherhusband'scounsels)Sejanuspractisethwith,togetherwithherphysiciancalledEudemus,andoneLygdusaneunuch,topoisonDrusus.Thistheirinhumanacthavingsuccessfulandunsuspectedpassage,itemboldenethSejanustofurtherandmoreinsolentprojects,eventheambitionoftheempire;wherefindingtheletshemustencountertobemanyandhard,inrespectoftheissueofGermanicus,whowerenextinhopeforthesuccession,hedevisethtomakeTiberius'selfhismeans,andinstilsintohisearsmanydoubtsandsuspicions,bothagainsttheprinces,andtheirmotherAgrippina;whichCaesarjealouslyhearkeningto,ascovetouslyconsentethtotheirruin,andtheirfriends.Inthistime,thebettertomatureandstrengthenhisdesign,SejanuslabourstomarryLivia,andworkethwithallhisingine,toremoveTiberiusfromtheknowledgeofpublicbusiness,withallurementsofaquietandretiredhie;thelatterofwhich,Tiberius,outofapronenesstolust,andadesiretohidethoseunnaturalpleasureswhichhecouldnotsopubliclypractise,embraceth:theformerenkindlethhisfears,andtheregiveshimfirstcauseofdoubtorsuspecttowardsSejanus:againstwhomheraisethinprivateanewinstrument,oneSertoriusMacro,andbyhimunderworketh,discoverstheother'scounsels,hismeans,hisends,soundstheaffectionsofthesenators,divides,distractsthem:atlast,whenSejanusleastlooketh,andismostsecure;withpretextofdoinghimanunwontedhonourinthesenate,hetrainshimfromhisguards,andwithalongdoubtfulletter,inonedayhathhimsuspected,accused,condemned,andtorninpiecesbytherageofthepeople.
BenJonson'sPlays
DRAMATISPERSONS
TIBERIUS.
DRUSUSSENIOR.
NKRO.
DRUSUSJUNIOR.
CALIGULA.
LuciusARRUNTIUS.
CAIUSSILIUS.
TITIUSSABINUS.
MARCUSLEPIDUS.
CREMUTIUSCORDUS.
ASINIUSGALLUS.
REGULUS.
TERENTIUS.
GRACINUSLACO.
EUDEMUS.
RUFUS.SEJANUS.LATIARIS.VARRO.SERTORIUSMACRO.
COTTA.
DOMITIUSAFER.
HATERIUS.SANQUINIUS.POMPONIUS.JULIUSPOSTHUMUS.FULCINIUSTRIO.
MlNUTIUS.
SATRIUSSECUNDUS.PINNARIUSNATTA.OPSIUS.
Tribuni.
Prcecones.
Flamen.
Tubicines.
Nuntius.
Lictores.
Ministri.
Tibicines.
Servi,etc.
AGRIPPINA.LIVIA.
SOSIA.
SCENE,—ROME
ACTI
SCENEI.—AStateRoominthePalace.EnterSABINUSandSILIUS,followedbyLATIARIS.
Sab.Hail,CamslSilius!
Sil.TitiusSabinus,2hail!You'rerarelymetincourt.
Sab.Therefore,wellmet.
Sil.'Tistrue:indeed,thisplaceisnotoursphere.
Sab.No,Silius,wearenogoodinginers.Wewanttheirfinearts,andtheirthrivinguseShouldmakeusgraced,orfavour'dofthetimes:Wehavenoshiftoffaces,noclefttongues,Nosoftandglutinousbodies,thatcanstick,Likesnailsonpaintedwalls;or,onourbreasts,Creepup,tofallfromthatproudheight,towhichWedidbyslavery,3notbyserviceclimb.Wearenoguiltymen,andthennogreat;Wehavenoplaceincourt,officeinstate,Thatwecansay,4weoweuntoourcrimes:
1DeCaioSilio,vid.Tacit.Lips.edit,quarto;Ann.Lib.i.p.n,Libii.p.28et33.
2DeTitioSabino,vid.Tacit.Lib.iv.p.79.
8Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.2.*Juv.Sat.i.v.75.
Weburnwithnoblacksecrets,1whichcanmakeUsdeartothepaleauthors;orlivefear'dOftheirstillwakingjealousies,toraiseOurselvesafortune,bysubvertingtheirs.Westandnotinthelines,thatdoadvanceTothatsocourtedpoint.
EnterSATRIUSandNATTA,atadistance.
Sil.ButyonderleanApairthatdo.
Sab.[salutesLatiaris.]GoodcousinLatiaris.—2
Sil.SatriusSecundus,3andPinnariusNatta,4ThegreatSejanus'clients:therebetwo,Knowmorethanhonestcounsels;whoseclosebreasts,Weretheyripp'duptolight,itwouldbefoundApoorandidlesin,towhichtheirtrunksHadnotbeenmadefitorgans.Thesecanlie,Flatter,andswear,forswear,deprave,5inform,Smile,andbetray;makeguiltymen;thenbegTheforfeitlives,togettheirlivings;cutMen'sthroatswithwhisperings;selltogapingsuitorsTheemptysmoke,thatfliesaboutthepalace;Laughwhentheirpatronlaughs;sweatwhenhesweats;Behotandcoldwithhim;changeeverymood,Habit,andgarb,asoftenashevaries;Observehim,ashiswatchobserveshisclock;And,true,asturquoiseinthedearlord'sring,Lookwellorillwithhim:6readytopraiseHislordship,ifhespit,orbutp—fair,Haveanindifferentstool,orbreakwindwell;Nothingcan'scapetheircatch.
Sab.Alas!thesethingsDeservenonote,conferr'dwithothervileAndfilthierflatteries,7thatcorruptthetimes;When,notaloneourgentrieschiefarefainTomaketheirsafetyfromsuchsordidacts;Butallourconsuls,8andnolittlepartOfsuchashavebeenpraetors,yea,themostOf.senators,9thatelsenotusetheirvoices,StartupinpublicsenateandtherestriveWhoshallpropoundmostabjectthings,andbase.
1Juv.Sat.iii.v.49,etc.
3DeLatiari,cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.94,etDion.Step.edit.fol.Lib.Iviii.p.711.
3DeSatrioSecundo,et
4PinnarioNatta,leg.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.83.EtdeSatriocons.Senec.Consol.adMarciam.
6Vid.Sen.deBenef.Lib.iii.cap.26.
•Juv.Sat.iii.ver.105,ftc.7Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.1.p.3.
•Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.69.*Pedarii.
Somuch,asoftTiberiushathbeenheard,Leavingthecourt,tocry,1Oraceofmen,Preparedforservitude!—whichshew'dthathe,Wholeastthepubliclibertycouldlike,Aslothlybrook'dtheirflatservility.
Sil,Well,allisworthyofus,wereitmore,Whowithourriots,pride,andcivilhate,Havesoprovok'dthejusticeofthegods:We,that,withinthesefourscoreyears,wereboraFree,equallordsofthetriumphedworld,Andknewnomasters,butaffections;Towhichbetrayingfirstourliberties,Wesincebecametheslavestooneman'slusts;Andnowtomany:2everyminist'ringspyThatwillaccuseandswear,islordofyou,Ofme,ofallourfortunesandourlives.Ourlooksarecall'dtoquestion,3andourwords,Howinnocentsoever,aremadecrimes;Weshallnotshortlydaretotellourdreams,Orthink,but'twillbetreason.
Sab.Tyrants'arts
Aretogiveflatterersgrace;accusers,power;Thatthosemayseemtokillwhomtheydevour.
EnterCORDUSandABBUNTIUS.
Now,goodCremutiusCordus.4
Cor.[salutesSabinus]Hailtoyourlordship!
Nat.[whispersLatiaris.]Who'sthatsalutesyourcousin?
Lat.'TisoneCordus,AgentlemanofRome:onethathaswritAnnalsoflate,theysay,andverywell.
Nat.Annals!ofwhattimes?
Lat.IthinkofPompey's,5AndCaiusCaesar's;andsodowntothese.
Nat.Howstandsheaffectedtothepresentstate?IsheorDrusian,6orGermanican,Orours,orneutral?
Lat.Iknowhimnotsofar.
Nat.Thosetimesaresomewhatqueasytobetouch'd.Haveyouorseen,orheardpartofhiswork?
Lat.NotI;hemeanstheyshallbepublicshortly.
1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.69.
zLegeTacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.24.deRomano,Hispano,etcaeteris,ibid,etLib.iii.Ann.p.61et62.Juv.Sat.x.v.87.Suet.Tib.cap.61.
3Vid.Tacit.Ann.i.p.4,etLib.iii.p.62.Suet.Tib.cap.61.Senec.deBenef.Lib.iii.cap.26.
4DeCrem.Cordo,vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.83,84.Senec.Cons,adMarciam.Dio.Lib.Ivii.p.710.Suet.Aug.c.35.Tib.c.61.Cal.c.16.
6Suet.Aug.cap.35.
*_Vid.defaction.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.39.etLib.iv.p.79.
Nat.O,Cordusdoyoucallhim?
Lat.Ay.[ExeuntNattaandSatrius.
Sab.ButtheseourtimesArenotthesame,Arruntius.1
Arr.Times!themen,
Themenarenotthesame:'tiswearebase,Poor,anddegeneratefromtheexaltedstrainOfourgreatfathers.WhereisnowthesoulOfgod-likeCato?he,thatdurstbegood,WhenCsesardurstbeevil;andhadpower,Asnottolivehisslave,todiehismaster?Orwhere'stheconstantBrutus,thatbeingproofAgainstallcharmofbenefits,didstrikeSobraveablowintothemonster'sheartThatsoughtunkindlytocaptivehiscountry?0,theyarefledthelight!ThosemightyspiritsLierakedupwiththeirashesintheirurns,AndnotasparkoftheireternalfireGlowsinapresentbosom.All'sbutblaze,Flashesandsmoke,wherewithwelabourso,There'snothingRomaninus;nothinggood,Gallant,orgreat:'tistruethatCordussays,'BraveCassiuswasthelastofallthatrace."
DRUSUSpassesoverthestage,attendedbyHATERITJS,etc.
Sab.Standby!lordDrusus.2
Hat.Theemperor'sson!giveplace.
Sil.Iliketheprincewell.
Arr.Ariotousyouth;3There'slittlehopeofhim.
Sab.Thatfaulthisage
Will,asitgrows,correct.MethinkshebearsHimselfeachdaymorenoblythanother;Andwinsnolessonmen'saffections,Thandothhisfatherlose.Believeme,Ilovehim;AndchieflyforopposingtoSejanus.4
Sil.AndI,forgracinghisyoungkinsmenso,5Thesons6ofprinceGermanicus:7itshewsAgallantclearnessinhim,astraightmind,Thatenviesnot,inthem,theirfather'sname.
1DeLu.Arrun.istovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.6.etLib.iii.p.60.etDion.Rom.Hist.Lib.58.
2LegedeDrusoTacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.9.Suet.Tib.c.52.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.699.
3Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.62.
4Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74.'Ann.Lib.iv.p.75.7ft.
•Nero,Drusus,Caius,quiincastrisgcnitus,etC'.ili^ul.inominatus.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.
7DeGcnnanicoCons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.14.etDion.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.694.
Arr.Hisnamewas,whilehelived,aboveallenvy;And,beingdead,withoutit.0,thatman!Iftherewereseedsoftheoldvirtueleft,Theylivedinhim.
Sil.Hehadthefruits,Arruntius,Morethantheseeds:*Sabinus,andmyselfHadmeanstoknowhimwithin;andcanreporthim.Wewerehisfollowers,hewouldcallusfriends;Hewasamanmostliketovirtue;inall,Andeveryaction,nearertothegods,Thanmen,innature;ofabodyasfairAswashismind;andnolessreverendInface,thanfame:2hecouldsousehisstate,Temperinghisgreatnesswithhisgravity,Asitavoidedallself-loveinhim,Andspiteinothers.Whathisfuneralslack'dInimagesandpomp,theyhadsuppliedWithhonourablesorrow,soldiers'sadness,Akindofsilentmourning,such,asmen,Whoknownotears,butfromtheircaptives,usaToshewinsogreatlosses.
Cor.Ithoughtonce,
Consideringtheirforms,age,mannerofdeaths,Thenearnessoftheplaceswheretheyfell,Tohaveparallel'dhimwithgreatAlexander:Forbothwereofbestfeature,ofhighrace,Year'dbuttothirty,and,inforeignlands,Bytheirownpeoplealikemadeaway.
Sab.Iknownot,forhisdeath,howyoumightwrestit:But,forhislife,itdidasmuchdisdainComparison,withthatvoluptuous,rash,Giddy,anddrunkenMacedon's,asmineDothwithmybondman's.Allthegoodinhim,Hisvalourandhisfortune,hemadehis;ButhehadothertouchesoflateRomans,Thatmoredidspeakhim:3Pompey'sdignity,TheinnocenceofCato,Caesar'sspirit,WiseBrutus'temperance;andeveryvirtue,Which,parteduntoothers,gavethemname,Flow'dmix'dinhim.Hewasthesoulofgoodness;Andallourpraisesofhimare
likestreamsDrawnfromaspring,thatstillrisefull,andleaveThepartremaininggreatest.
Arr.Iamsure
1Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.
8Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.47,etDion.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.705.8Vid.apudVeil.Paterc.Lips.4to.p.35-47,istorumhominumchar-acteres.
Hewastoogreatforus,1andthattheyknewWhodidremovehimhence.Sab.WhenmengrowfastHonour'dandloved,thereisatrickinstate,Whichjealousprincesneverfailtouse,Howtodeclinethatgrowth,withfairpretext,Andhonourablecoloursofemployment,Eitherbyembassy,thewar,orsuch,Toshiftthemforthintoanotherair,Wheretheymaypurgeandlessen;sowashe:2Andhadhissecondsthere,sentbyTiberius,Andhismoresubtiledam,todiscontenthim;Tobreedandcherishmutinies;detractHisgreatestactions;giveaudaciouscheckTohiscommands;andworktoputhimoutInopenactoftreason.AllwhichsnaresWhenhiswisecaresprevented,3afinepoisonWasthoughton,tomaturetheirpractices.
EnterSEJANUStalkingtoTERENTITTS,followedbySATRIUS,
NATTA,etc.
Cor.HerecomesSejanus.4
Sil.Nowobservethestoops,Thebendings,andthefalls.
Arr.Mostcreepingbase!
Sej.[toNatta.]Inotethemwell:nomore.Sayyou?
Sat.Mylord,
ThereisagentlemanofRomewouldbuy—
Sej.Howcallyouhimyoutalk'dwith?
Sat.Pleaseyourlordship,ItisEudemus,5thephysicianToLivia,Drusus'wife.
Sej.Onwithyoursuit.Wouldbuy,yousaid—
Sat.Atribune'splace,mylord.
Sej.Whatwillhegive?
Sat.Fiftysestertia.6
SejLivia'sphysician,sayyou,isthatfellow?
Sat.Itis,mylord:Yourlordship'sanswer.
1Vid.Tacit.Lib.ii.Ann.p.28etp.34.DioRom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.
P-705.
2Con.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.39.deoccultismandatisPisoni,etposteap.42,43,48.Orat.D.Celeris.EstTibiAugusta?conscientia,estCaesarisfavor,sedinocculto,etc.Leg.Suet.Tib.c.52.Dio.p.706.
1Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.46,47.Lib.iii.p.54.etSuet.Cal.c.iet2.
*DeSejanovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.1.p.9.Lib.iv.princip.etpertot.Suet.Tib.Dio.Lib.Ivii.Iviii.etPlin.etSenec.
*DeEudemoistovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.y\.
*Monetaenostrae375lib.vid.Budaeumdeasse,Lib.ii.p.64.
Sej.Towhat?
Sat.Theplace,mylord.'TisforagentlemanYourlordshipwillwelllikeof,whenyouseehim;Andone,thatyoumaymakeyours,bythegrant.
Sej.Well,lethimbringhismoney,andhisname.
Sat.'Thankyourlordship.Heshall,mylord.
Sej.Comehither.KnowyouthissameEudemus?ishelearn'd?
Sat.Reputedso,mylord,andofdeeppractice.
Sej.Bringhimin,tome,hithegallery;Andtakeyoucausetoleaveustheretogether:Iwouldconferwithhim,aboutagrief—On.[ExeuntSejanus,Satrius,Terentius,etc.
Arr.So!yetanother?yet?OdesperatestateOfgrovellinghonour!seestthouthis,Osun,Anddoweseetheeafter?Methinks,dayShouldlosehislight,whenmendolosetheirshames.Andfortheemptycircumstanceoflife,Betraytheircauseofliving.
Sil.Nothingso.1
Sejanuscanrepair,ifJoveshouldruin.Heisnowthecourtgod;andwellappliedWithsacrificeofknees,ofcrooks,andcringes;HewilldomorethanallthehouseofheavenCan,forathousandhecatombs.'TisheMakesusourday,ornight;hell,andelysiumAreinhislook:wetalkofRhadamanth,Furies,andfirebrands;butitishisfrownThatisallthese;where,ontheadversepart,Hissmileismore,thane'eryetpoetsfeign'dOfbliss,andshades,nectar—
Ary.Aservingboy!
Iknewhim,atCams'trencher,2whenforhireHeprostitutedhisabusedbodyTothatgreat
gormond,fatApicius;Andwasthenotedpathicofthetime.
Sab.And,now,3thesecondfaceofthewholeworld!Thepartneroftheempire,hathhisimageRear'dequalwithTiberius,borninensigns;Commands,disposeseverydignity,Centurions,tribunes,headsofprovinces,Praetorsandconsuls;allthatheretoforeRome'sgeneralsuffragegave,isnowhissale.Thegain,orratherspoilofalltheearth,
1Deingenio,moribus,etpotentiaSejani,leg.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74.DioRom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.708.
2CaiusdiviAugustinepos.Cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74,etDio.Lib.Ivii.p.706
3Juv.Sat.x.v.63,etc.Tacit,ibid.Dion.ibid,etsicpassim.
One,andhishouse,receives.
Sil.Hehathoflate
Madehimastrengthtoo,strangely,byreducingAllthepraetorianbandsintoonecamp,Whichhecommands:pretendingthatthesoldiers,Bylivinglooseandscatter'd,felltoriot;AndthatifanysuddenenterpriseShouldbeattempted,theirunitedstrengthWouldbefarmorethansever'd;andtheirlifoMorestrict,iffromthecitymoreremoved.
Sab.Where,now,hebuildswhatkindoffortsheplease,Isheardtocourtthesoldierbyhisname,Woos,feaststhechiefestmenofaction,Whosewants,notloves,compelthemtobehis.Andthoughhene'erwereliberalbykind,Yettohisowndarkends,he'smostprofuse,Lavish,andlettingfly,hecaresnotwhatTohisambition.
Arr.Yet,hathheambition?Istherethatstepinstatecanmakehimhigher,Ormore,oranythingheis,butless?
Sil.Nothingbutemperor.
Arr.ThenameTiberius,Ihope,willkeep,howe'erhehathforegoneThedignityandpower.
Sil.Sure,whilehelives.
Arr.Anddead,itcomestoDrusus.Shouldhefail,TothebraveissueofGermanicus;Andtheyarethree:ltoomany—ha?forhimTohaveaplotupon!
Sab.Idonotknow
Theheartofhisdesigns;but,sure,theirfaceLooksfartherthanthepresent.
Arr.Bythegods,
IfIcouldguesshehadbutsuchathought,Myswordshouldcleavehimdownfromheadtoheart,ButIwouldfinditout:andwithmyhandI'dhurlhispantingbrainabouttheairInmites,assmallasatomi,toundoTheknottedbed-
Sab.Youareobserv'd,Arruntins.
Arr.[turnstoNatta,Terentius,etc.]Death!Idaretellhim
so;andallhisspies:You,sir,Iwould,doyoulook?andyou.
Sab.Forbear.
1Xero,Drusus,etCaligula.—Tacit.il.il.
SCENEII.
(TheformerScenecontinued.)
AGallerydiscoveredopeningintotheStateRoom.
EnterSATRIUSwithEUDEMUS.
Sat.Herehewillinstantbe:let'swalkaturn;You'reinamuse,Eudemus.
Eud.NotI,sir.
Iwonderheshouldmarkmeoutso!well,JoveandApolloformitforthebest.[Aside.
Sat.Yourlfortune'smadeuntoyounow,Eudemus,Ifyoucanbutlayholduponthemeans;Dobutobservehishumour,and—believeit—HeisthenoblestRoman,wherehetakes—
EnterSEJANUS.
Herecomeshislordship.
Sej.Now,goodSatrius.
Sat.Thisisthegentleman,mylord.
Sej.Isthis?
Givemeyourhand—wemustbemoreacquainted.Report,sir,hathspokeoutyourartandlearning:AndIamgladIhavesoneedfulcause,Howeverinitselfpainfulandhard,Tomakemeknowntosogreatvirtue.—Look,Whoisthat,Satrius?[ExitSat]—Ihaveagrief,sir,Thatwilldesireyourhelp.Yourname'sEudemus?
Eud.Yes.
Sej.Sir?
Eud.Itis,mylord.
Sej.IhearyouarePhysiciantoLivia,2theprincess.
Eud.Iministeruntoher,mygoodlord.
Sej.Youministertoaroyallady,then.
Eud.Sheis,my,lord,andfair.
Sej.That'sunderstoodOfallhersex,whoareorwouldbeso;Andthosethatwouldbe,physicsooncanmakethem:Forthosethatare,theirbeautiesfearnocolours.
Eud.Yourlordshipisconceited.
Sej.Sir,youknowit,Andcan,ifneedbe,readalearnedlectureOnthis,andothersecrets.'Prayyou,tellme,WhatmoreofladiesbesidesLivia,Haveyouyourpatients?
1LegeTerentiidefensionemTacit.Ann.Lib.vi.p.102.
2Germanicisoror,uxorDrusi.Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74.'
Eud.Many,mygoodlord.ThegreatAugusta,1Urgulania,2MutiliaPrisca,3andPlancina;4divers—
Sej.AndallthesetellyoutheparticularsOfeveryseveralgrief?howfirstitgrew,Andthenincreased;whatactioncausedthat;Whatpassionthat:andanswertoeachpointThatyouwillputthem?
Eud.Else,mylord,weknownotHowtoprescribetheremedies.
Sej.Goto,
Youareasubtilenation,youphysicians!Andgrowntheonlycabinetsincourt,5Toladies'privacies.Faith,whichoftheseIsthemostpleasantladyinherphysic?Come,youaremodestnow.
Eud.'Tisfit,mylord.
Sej.Why,sir,Idonotaskyouoftheirurines,Whosesmell'smostviolet,orwhosesiegeisbest,Orwhomakeshardestfacesonherstool?Winchladysleepswithherownfaceanights?Whichputsherteethoff,withherclothes,incourt?Or,whichherhair,whichhercomplexion,And,inwhichboxsheputsit;Thesewerequestions,Thatmight,perhaps,haveputyourgravityTosomedefenceofblush.But,Ienquired,Whichwasthewittiest,merriest,wantonnest?Harmlessintergatories,butconceits.—MethinksAugustashouldbemostperverse.Andfrowardinherfit.
Eud.She'sso,mylord.
Sej.Iknewit:andMutiliathemostjocund.
Eud.'Tisverytrue,mylord.
Sej.Andwhywouldyou
Concealthisfromme,now?Come,whatisLivia?Iknowshe'squickandquaintlyspirited,Andwillhavestrangethoughts,whensheisatleisure:Shetellsthemalltoyou.
Eud.Mynoblestlord,Hebreathesnotintheempire,oronearth,WhomIwouldbeambitioustoserveInanyact,thatmaypreserveminehonour,Beforeyourlordship.
1MatorTiborii.vid.Tacit.Ann.i,2,3,4,moritur5.Suet.Tib.Dio.Rom.Hist.57,58.
1DeliciumAugustas.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.etiv.
*AdulteraJuliiPosthumi.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.77.
•Pisonisuxor.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.iii.iv.
1Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74.etPlin.Nat,Hist.Lib.xxix.c.i.
Sej.Sir,youcanlosenohonour,Bytrustingaughttome.ThecoarsestactDonetomyservice,Icansorequite,Asalltheworldshallstyleithonourable:Youridle,virtuousdefinitions,Keephonourpoor,andareasscorn'dasvain:Thosedeedsbreathehonourthatdosuckingain.
Eud.But,goodmylord,ifIshouldthusbetray^Thecounselsofmypatient,andalady'sOfherhighplaceandworth;whatmightyourlordship,Whopresentlyaretotrustmewithyourown,Judgeofmyfaith?
Sej.OnlythebestIswear.SaynowthatIshouldutteryoumygrief,Andwithitthetruecause;thatitwerelove,AndlovetoLivia;*youshouldtellherthis:Shouldshesuspectyourfaith;IwouldyoucouldTellmeasmuchfromher;seeifmybrainCouldbeturn'djealous.
Eud.Happily,mylord,Icouldintimetellyouasmuchandmore;So1mightsafelypromisebutthefirstToherfromyou.
Sej.Assafely,myEudemus,Inowdarecalltheeso,asIhaveputThesecretintothee.
Eud.Mylord—
Sej.Protestnot,
Thylooksarevowstome;useonlyspeed,AndbutaffectherwithSejanus'love,2Thouartaman,madetomakeconsuls.Go.
Eud.Mylord,I'llpromiseyouaprivatemeetingThisdaytogether.
Sej.Canstthou?
Eud.Yes.
Sej.Theplace?
Eud.Mygardens,whitherIshallfetchyourlordship.
Sej.Letmeadoremy^Esculapius.Why,thisindeedisphysic!andoutspeaksTheknowledgeofcheapdrugs,oranyuseCanbemadeoutofit!morecomfortingThanallyouropiates,juleps,apozems,
Magistralsyrupa,orBegone,myfriend,
Notbarelystyled,butcreatedso;
Expectthingsgreaterthanthylargesthopes,
Toovertakethee:Fortuneshallbetaught
Toknowhowillshehathdeserv'dthuslong,
Tocomebehindthywishes.Go,andspeed.[ExitEudemus.
1Cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74.2Tacet.ibid.
Ambitionmakesmoretrustyslavesthanneed.
Thesefellows,1bythefavouroftheirart,
Havestillthemeanstotempt;oft-timesthepower.
IfLiviawillbenowcorrupted,then
Thouhasttheway,Sejanus,toworkout
Hissecrets,who,thouknow'st,endurestheenot,
Herhusband,Drusus:andtoworkagainstthem.
Prosperit,Pallas,thouthatbetter'stwit;
ForVenushaththesmallestshareinit.
EnterTIBERIUS2andDRUSUS,attended.
Tib.[toHaterius,whokneelstohim.]Wenotendurethese
flatteries;lethimstand;Ourempire,ensigns,axes,rodsandstateTakenotawayourhumannaturefromus:Lookuponus,andfallbeforethegods.
Sej.HowlikeagodspeaksCaesar1
Arr.There,observe!
Hecanendurethatsecond,that'snoflattery.O,whatisit,proudslimewillnotbelieveOfhisownworth,tohearitequalpraisedThuswiththegods!
Cor.Hedidnothearit,sir.
Arr.Hedidnot!Tut,hemustnot,wethinkmeanly.'Tisyourmostcourtlyknownconfederacy,TohaveyourprivateparasiteredeemWhathe,inpublic,subtilelywilllose,Tomakinghimaname.
Hat.Rightmightylord—[Giveshimletters.
Tib.Wemustmakeupourears'gainsttheseassaultsOfcharmingtongues;3weprayyouusenomoreThesecontumeliestous;stylenotusOrlord,ormighty,whoprofessourselfTheservantofthesenate,andareproudT'enjoythemourgood,just,andfavouringlords.
Cor.Rarely4dissembled!
Arr.Prince-liketothelife.
Sab.Whenpowerthatmaycommand,somuchdescends,Theirbondage,whomitstoopsto,itintends.
Tib.Whencearetheseletters?
Hat.Fromthesenate.
Tib.So.[Lat.giveshimletters.
Whencethese?
1Eud.specieartisfrequenssecretis.Tacit,ibid.Vid.Plin.Nat.HistLib.xxix.c.i.incriminat.medicorum.
8DeinitioTiberiiprincipatusvid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.23,Lib.iv.p.75.etSuet.Tib.c.27.DeHateriovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.6.
8Cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.50.etSuet.Tib.c.27et29.
4NullamaequeTiberiusexvirtutibussuisquamdissimulationemdiligebat.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.95.
Lat.Fromthencetoo.
Tib.Aretheysittingnow?
Lat.Theystaythyanswer,Caesar.
Sil.Ifthisman^
Hadbutamindallieduntohiswords,Howblestafatewereittous,andRome!Wecouldnotthinkthatstateforwhichtochange,Althoughtheaimwereouroldliberty:Theghosts*ofthosethatfellforthat,wouldgrieveTheirbodieslivednot,now,againtoserve.Menaredeceived,whothinktherecanbethrallBeneathavirtuousprince:Wish'dlibertyNe'erlovelierlooks,thanundersuchacrown.But,whenhisgrace2ismerelybutlip-good,Andthat,nolongerthanheairshimselfAbroadinpublic,there,toseemtoshunThestrokesandstripesofflatterers,whichwithinArelecheryuntohim,andsofeedHisbrutishsensewiththeirafflictingsound,As,deadtovirtue,hepermitshimselfBecarriedlikeapitcherbytheears,Toeveryactofvice:thisisthecaseDeservesourfear,anddothpresagethenighAndcloseapproachofbloodandtyranny.Flatteryismidwife3untoprince'srage:Andnothingsoonerdothhelpforthatyrant,Thanthatandwhisperers'grace,whohavethetime,Theplace,thepower,tomakeallmenoffenders.
Arr.Heshouldbetoldthis;andbebiddissembleWithfoolsandblindmen:wethatknowtheevil,Shouldhuntthepalace-rats,4orgivethembane;Frighthencetheseworsethanravens,thatdevourThequick,wheretheybutpreyuponthedead:Heshallbetoldit.
Sab.Stay,Arruntius,Wemustabideouropportunity;Andpractisewhatisfit,aswhatisneedful.Itisnotsafet'enforceasovereign'sear:Princeshearwell,iftheyatallwillhear.
Arr.Ha,sayyouso?well!Inthemeantime,Jove,(Saynot,butIdocallupontheenow,)
1Bruti,Cassii,Catonis,etc.
2Vid.Dio.Hist.Lib.Ivii.demoribusTiberii.
8Tyrannisfereoriturexnimiaprocerumadulationeinprincipem.Arist.Pol.Lib.v.c.10,ii.etdelatorumauctoritate.Leg.Tacit.Dio.Suet.Tib.pertotum.Subquodecretaaccusatoribusprascipuapra^mia.Vid.Suet.Tib.c.61,etSen.Benef.Lib.iii.c.6.
4TineassoricesquePalatiivocatistosSex.Aurel.Viet,etTacit.Hist.Lib.i.p.233,quisecretiscriminat.infamantignarum,etquoincautiordeciperetur,palamlaudatum,etc.
Ofallwildbeastspreserveinefromatyrant:Andofalltame,aflatterer.
Sil'Tiswellpray'd.
Tib.[havingreadtheletters.]Returnthelordsthisvoice,
—Wearetheircreature,Anditisfitagoodandhonestprince,Whomthey,outoftheirbounty,haveinstructed1Withsodilateandabsoluteapower,Shouldowetheofficeofittotheirservice,Andgoodofallandeverycitizen.Norshallite'errepentustohavewish'dThesenatejust,andfavouringlordsuntous,SincetheirfreelovesdoyieldnolessdefenceToaprince'sstate,thanhisowninnocence.Saythen,therecanbenothinginthen:thoughtShallwanttopleaseus,thathathpleasedthem;OursuffragerathershallpreventthanstayBehindtheirwills:'tisempiretoobey,Wheresuch,sogreat,sograve,sogooddetermine.Yet,forthesuitofSpain,2toerectatempleInhonourofourmotherandourself,Wemust,withpardonofthesenate,notAssentthereto.TheirlordshipsmayobjectOurnotdenyingthesamelate
requestUntotheAsiancities:wedesireThatourdefenceforsufferingthatbeknownInthesebriefreasons,withourafterpurpose.SincedeifiedAugustushinderednotAtempletobebuiltatPergamum,InhonourofhimselfandsacredRome;We,thathaveallhisdeeds3andwordsobservedEver,inplaceoflaws,theratherfollow'dThatpleasingprecedent,becausewithours,Thesenate'sreverence,also,therewasjoin'd.Butas,t'haveoncereceivedit,maydeserveThegainofpardon;so,tobeadoredWiththecontinuedstyle,andnoteofgods,Throughalltheprovinces,werewildambition,Andnolesspride:yea,evenAugustus'nameWouldearlyvanish,shoulditbeprofanedWithsuchpromiscuousflatteries.Forourpart,Wehereprotestit,andarecovetousPosterityshouldknowit,wearemortal;Andcanbutdeedsofmen:'tweregloryenough.Couldwebetrulyaprince.And,theyshalladdAboundinggraceuntoourmemory,
1Vid.Suet.Tib.c.20.etDio.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.696.1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.84et85.•Cons.Strab.Lib.vi.deTib.
Thatshallreportusworthyourforefathers,Carefulofyouraffairs,constantindangers,AndnotafraidofanyprivatefrownForpublicgood.ThesethingsshallbetousTemplesandstatues,rearedinyourminds,Thefairest,andmostduringimagery:Forthoseofstoneorbrass,iftheybecomeOdiousinjudgmentofposterity,Aremorecontemn'dasdyingsepulchres,Thanta'enforlivingmonuments.WethenMakehereoursuit,aliketogodsandmen;Theone,untiltheperiodofourrace,Toinspireuswithafreeandquietmind,Discerningbothdivineandhumanlaws;Theother,tovouchsafeusafterdeath,Anhonourablemention,andfairpraise,Toaccompanyouractionsandourname:Therestofgreatnessprincesmaycommand,And,therefore,mayneglect;only,along,Alasting,high,andhappymemoryTheyshould,withoutbeingsatisfied,pursue:Contemptoffamebegetscontemptofvirtue.
Nat.Rare!
Sat.Mostdivine!
Sej.Theoraclesareceased,ThatonlyCaesar,withtheirtongue,mightspeak.
Arr.Letmebegone:mostfeltandopenthis!
Cor.Stay.
Arr.What!tohearmorecunningandfinewords,Withtheirsoundflatter'deretheirsensebemeant?
Tib.TheirchoiceofAntium,1theretoplacethegiftVow'dtothegoddess2forourmother'shealth,Wewillthesenateknow,wefairlylike:Asalsooftheirgrant3toLepidus,Forhisrepairingthe^milianplace,Andrestorationofthosemonuments:Theirgrace4tooinconfiningofSilanusTotheotherisleCithera,atthesuitOfhisreligious5sister,muchcommendsTheirpolicy,sotemper'dwiththeirmercy.ButforthehonourswhichtheyhavedecreedToourSejanus,6toadvancehisstatueInPompey'stheatre,(whoseruiningfireHisvigilanceandlabourkeptrestrain'd
1Tacit.Lib.iii.p.71.aFortunaequestris,ibid.
'Tacit,ibid.*Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.170.
_*Torquatavirgovestalis,cujasmemoriamservatmannerRomas,vid,Lips,comment,inTacit.6Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.71,
Inthatoneloss,)theyhavethereinout-gone
Theirowngreatwisdoms,bytheirskilfulchoice,
Andplacingoftheirbountiesonaman,
Whosemeritmoreadornsthedignity,
Thanthatcanhim;andgivesabenefit,
Intaking,greaterthanitcanreceive.
Blushnot,Sejanus,1thougreataidofRome,
Associateofourlabours,ourchiefhelper;
Letusnotforcethysimplemodesty
Withofferingatthypraise,formorewecannot,
Sincethere'snovoicecantakeit.Nomanhere
Receiveourspeechesashyperboles:
Forwearefarfromflatteringourfriend,
Letenvyknow,asfromtheneedtoflatter.
Norletthemaskthecausesofourpraise:
Princeshavestilltheirgroundsrear'dwiththemselves,
Abovethepoorlowflatsofcommonmen;
Andwhowillsearchthereasonsoftheiracts,
Muststandonequalbases.Lead,away:
Ourlovesuntothesenate.
[ExeuntTib.,Sejan.,Natta,Hat.,Lat.,Officers,etc.
Arr.Cfpsar!
Sab.Peace.
Cor.GreatPompey'stheatre2wasneverruin'dTillnow,thatproudSejanushathastatueRear'donhisashes.
Arr.Placetheshameofsoldiers,Abovethebestofgenerals?cracktheworld,AndbruisethenameofRomansintodust,Erewebeholdit!
Sil.Checkyourpassion;LordDrusustarries.
Dru.Ismyfathermad,3Wearyoflife,andrule,lords?thustoheaveAnidolupwithpraise!makehimhismate,Hisrivalintheempire!
Arr.O,goodprince.
Dru.Allowhimstatues,4titles,honours,suchAshehimselfrefuseth!
Arr.Brave,braveDrusus!
Dru.Thefirstascentstosovereigntyarehard;But,enteredonce,thereneverwantsormeans,Orministers,tohelptheaspireron.
Arr.True,gallantDrusus.
Dru.WemustshortlyprayToModesty,thathewillrestcontented—
Arr.Ay,whereheis,andnotwriteemperor.
1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74-76.fVid.Sen.Cons.ad.Marcc.22.
3Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.76.•Tacit,ibid.
Re-enterSEJANTJS,SATRIUS,LATIARIS,Clients,etc.
Sej.Thereisyourbill,andyours;bringyouyourman.
[ToIhavemovedforyou,too,Latiaris.
Dru.What!
Isyourvastgreatnessgrownsoblindlybold,Thatyouwilloverus?
Sej.Whythengiveway.
Dru.Giveway,Colossus!doyoulift?advanceyou?Takethat!l[Strikeshim.
Arr.Good!brave!excellent,braveprince!
Dru.Nay,corne,approach.[Drawshissword.
What,standyouoff?atgaze?Itlookstoofullofdeathforthycoldspirits.Avoidmineeye,dullcamel,ormyswordShallmakethybraveryfitterforagrave,Thanforatriumph.I'lladvanceastatueO'yourownbulk;but'tshallbeonthecross;2WhereIwillnailyourprideatbreadthandlength,Andcrackthosesinews,whichareyetbutstretch'dWithyourswolnfortune'srage.
Arr.Anobleprince!
AILACastor,3aCastor,aCastor,aCastor!
[ExeuntallbutSejanus.
Sej.Hethat,withsuchwrongmoved,canbearitthroughWithpatience,andanevenmind,knowshowToturnitback.Wrathcover'dcarriesfate:Revengeislost,ifIprofessmyhate.Whatwasmypracticelate,I'llnowpursue,Asmyfelljustice:thishathstyleditnew.[Exit.
ACTII
SCENEI.—Thegardeno/EUDEMUS.
EnterSEJANTJS,LIVIA,andEUDEMUS.
Sej.Physician,thouartworthyofaprovince,Forthegreatfavoursdoneuntoourloves;And,butthatgreatestLiviabearsapartIntherequitalofthyservices,Ishouldalonedespairofaught,likemeans,Togivethemworthysatisfaction.
Liv.Eudemus,Iwillseeit,shallreceive
1Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74-76.aTacit,ibidem.
8Tacit,sequimurAnn.Lib.iv.p.74,quanquamapudDionemetZonaramaliterlegitur.
Afitandfullregardforhislargemerit.—
ButforthispotionlweintendtoDrusus,
Nomoreourhusbandnow,whomshallwechoose
Asthemostaptandableinstrument,
Toministerittohim?
End.Isay,Lygdus.2
Sej.Lygdus?what'she?
Liv.AneunuchDrususloves.
End.Ay,andhiscup-bearer.
Sej.Namenotasecond.IfDrususlovehim,andhehavethatplace,Wecannottlu'nkafitter.
End.True,mylord.Forfreeaccessandtrustaretwomainaids.
Sej.Skilfulphysician!
Liv.ButhemustbewroughtTotheundertaking,withsomelabour'dart.
Sej.Isheambitious?
Liv.No.
Sej.Orcovetous?
Liv.Neither.
Eud.Yet,goldisagoodgeneralcharm.
Sej.Whatishe,then?
Liv.Faith,onlywanton,light.
Sej.How!isheyoungandfair?
Eud.Adelicateyouth.
Sej.Sendhimtome,3I'llworkhim.—Royal1-v1•-,ThoughIhavelovedyoulong,andwiththatheightOfzealandduty,likethefire,whichmoreItmountsittrembles,thinkingnoughtcouldaddUntothefervourwhichyoureyehadkindled;Yet,nowIseeyourwisdom,judgment,strength,Quickness,andwill,toapprehendthemeansToyourowngoodandgreatness,IprotestMyselfthroughrarified,andturn'dallflameInyouraffection:suchaspiritasyours,WasnotcreatedfortheidlesecondToapoorflash,asDrusus;buttoshineBrightasthemoonamongthelesserlights,Andsharethesov'reigntyofallthewon1'I.TurnLiviatriumphsinherpropersphere,WhensheandherSejanusshalldivideThenameofGVsar,andAugusta'sstar
'Servile,apudRomnims,cti;•;-simummortis?<-msfr.itsnppliciumcrucis,utexLiv.ipso.Tacit.Dio.ftomnibusfereanti<;pra?sertimhistoricisconstet.vicl.Plant,in.Mil.Amph.Aulii.llor.Lib.i.Ser3.etJov.Sat.vi.I'onecrtio-mservo,rtc.
1SicDrususobviolentiamro-nominatus,vid.Dion.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.701.
5Spadonisanimumstuprodfvinxit.Tarit.U.i1.
Bedimm'dwithgloryofabrighterbeam:
WhenAgrippina'slfiresarequiteextinct,
Andthescarce-seenTiberiusborrowsall
Hislittlelightfromus,whosefoldedarms
Shallmakeoneperfectorb.[Knockingwithin,]Who'sthat?
Eudemus,Look.[ExitEudemus.]'TisnotDrusus,lady,donotfear.
Liv.NotI,mylord:myfearandloveofhimLeftmeatonce.
Sej.Illustriouslady,stay—
End.[within.]I'lltellhislordship.
Re-enterEUDEMUS.
Sej.Whoisit,Eudemus?
End.Oneofyourlordship'sservantsbringsyouwordTheemperorhathsentforyou.
Sej.O!whereishe?
Withyourfairleave,dearprincess,I'llbutaskAquestionandreturn.[Exit.
End.Fortunateprincess!HowareyoublestinthefruitionOfthisunequall'dman,thesoulofRome,Theempire'slife,andvoiceofCaesar'sworld!
Liv.Soblessed,myEudemus,astoknowTheblissIhave,withwhatIoughttooweThemeansthatwroughtit.HowdoIlookto-day?
End.Excellentclear,believeit.ThissamefucusWaswelllaidon.
Liv.Methinks'tisherenotwhite.
End.Lendmeyourscarlet,lady.'Tisthesun,Hathgiv'nsomelittletaintuntotheceruse;2YoushouldhaveusedofthewhiteoilIgaveyou.Sejanus,foryourlove!hisverynameCommandethaboveCupidorhisshafts—[Paintshercheeks.
Liv.Nay,nowyou'vemadeitworse.
End.I'llhelpitstraight—Andbutpronounced,isasufficientcharmAgainstallrumour;andofabsolutepowerTosatisfyforanylady'shonour.
Liv.Whatdoyounow,Eudemus?
End.Makealightfucus,
.Totouchyouo'erwithal.—Honour'dSejanns!Whatact,thoughne'ersostrangeandinsolent,Butthatadditionwillatleastbearout,
1Germanic!vidua.
*Cerussa(apudRomanos)interfictitiorescoloreseratetquaesolemobcaloremtimebat.vid.Mart.Lib.ii.Epig.n.
QuaecretatatimetFabullanimbum,CerussatatimetSabellasolem.
Iftdonotexpiate?
Lv.Herp,goodphysician.
Eud.IlikethisstudytopreservetheloveOfsuchaman,thatcomesnoteveryhourTogreettheworld.—Tisnowwell,lady,youshouldUseofthedentifriceIprescribedyoutoo,Toclearyourteeth,andthepreparedpomatum,Tosmooththeskin:—AladycannotbeToocuriousofherform,thatstillwouldholdTheheartofsuchaperson,madehercaptive,Asyouhavehis:who,toendearhimmoreInyourcleareye,hathputawayhiswife,1Thetroubleofhisbed,andyourdelights,FairApicata,andmadespaciousroomToyournewpleasures.
Liv.Havenotwereturn'dThatwithourhatetoDrusus,anddiscovery2Ofallhiscounsels?
End.Yes,andwisely,lady.Theagesthatsucceed,andstandfaroffTogazeatyourhighprudence,shalladmire,Andreckonitanactwithoutyoursex:Ithaththatrareappearance.SomewillthinkYourfortunecouldnotyieldadeepersound,Thanmix'dwithDrusus;but,whentheyshallhearThat,andthethunderofSejanusmeet,Sejanus,whosehighnamedothstrikethestars,Andringsabouttheconcave;greatSejanus,Whoseglories,style,andtitlesarehimself,TheofteniteratingofSejanus:Theythenwilllosetheirthoughts,andbeashamedTotakeacquaintanceofthem.
Re-enterSEJAXUS.
Sej.Imustmake
Arudedeparture,lady:CaesarsendsWithallhishastebothofcommandandprayer.Beresoluteinourplot;youhavemysoul,Ascertainyoursasitismybody's.And,wisephysician,3sopreparethepoison,AsyoumaylaythesubtileoperationUponsomenaturaldiseaseofhis:Youreunuchsendtome.Ikissyourhands,Gloryofladies,andcommendmyloveToyourbestfaithandmemory.
1Exquatresliberosgenuerat,nepellicisuspectareturTacit.Ann.Iibiv.p.74.
fT
Leg.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.76.*Tacit,ibid,etDion.Rom.Hist.
Lib.Ivii.p.709.
Liv.Mylord,
Ishallbutchangeyourwords.Farewell.Yet,thisRememberforyourheed,helovesyounot;YouknowwhatIhavetoldyou:hisdesignsArefullofgrudgeanddanger;wemustuseMorethanacommonspeed.
Sej.Excellentlady,Howyoudofiremyblood!
Liv.Well,youmustgo?Thethoughtsbebest,areleastsetforthtoshew.[ExitSejanus.
End.Whenwillyoutakesomephysic,lady?
Liv.When
Ishall,Eudemus:butletDrusus'drugBefirstprepared.
Eud.WereLygdusm^de,that'sdone;Ihaveitready.Andto-morrowmorningI'llsendyouaperfume,firsttoresolveAndprocuresweat,andthenprepareabathTocleanseandclearthecutis;againstwhenI'llhaveanexcellentnewfucusmade,Resistive'gainstthesun,therain,orwind,Whichyoushalllayonwithabreath,oroil,Asyoubestlike,andlastsomefourteenhours.Thischangecametimely,lady,foryourhealth,Andtherestoringyourcomplexion,WhichDrusus'cholerhadalmostburntup!WhereinyourfortunehathprescribedyoubetterThanartcoulddo.
Liv.Thanks,goodphysician,I'llusemyfortune,youshallsee,withreverence.Ismycoachready?
Eud.Itattendsyourhighness.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—AnApartmentIKthePalace.EnterSEJANUS.
Sej.Ifthisbenotrevenge,whenIhavedoneAndmadeitperfect,letEgyptianslaves,1Parthians,andbare-footHebrewsbrandmyface,Andprintmybodylullofinjuries.Thoulostthyself,childDrusus,whenthouthoughtstThoucouldstoutskipmyvengeance;oroutstandThepowerIhadtocrushtheeintoair.ThyfolliesnowshalltastewhatkindofmanTheyhaveprovoked,andthisthyfather'shouseCrackintheflameofmyincensedrage,Whosefuryshalladmitnoshameormean.—Adultery!itisthelightestill
1HiapudRomanesbarbarietvilissimiaestimab.Juv.Mart.etc.
IwillcommitAraceofwickedactsShallflowoutofmyanger,ando'erspreadTheworld'swideface,whichnoposterityShalle'erapprove,noryetkeepsilent:thingsThatfortheircunning,close,andcruelmark,Thyfatherwouldwishhis:andshall,perhaps,Carrytheemptyname,butwetheprize.On,then,mysoul,andstartnotinthycourse;Thoughheavendropsulphur,andhellbelchoutfire,Laughattheidleterrors;tellproudJove,Betweenhispowerandthinethereisnoodds:'Twasonlyfearfirstintheworldmadegods.1
EnterTIBERIUS,attended,
Tib.IsyetSejanuscome?
Sej.He'shere,dreadCa>sar.
Tib.Letalldepartthatchamber,andthenext.
[ExeuntAttendants.
Sitdown,mycomfort.2WhenthemasterprinceOfalltheworld,Sejanus,saithhefears,Isitnotfatal?
Sej.Yes,tothosearefcar'd.
Tib.Andnottohim?
Sej.Not,ifhewiselyturnThatpartoffateheholdeth,firstonthorn.
Tib.Thatnature,blood,andlawsofkindforbid.
Sej.Dopolicyandstateforbidit?
Tib.No.
Sej.Therestofpoorrespects,then,letgoby;Stateisenoughtomaketheactjust,themguilty.
Tib.Longhatepursuessuchacts.
Sej.Whomhatredfrights,Lethimnotdreamofsovereignty.
Tib.Arerites
Offaith,love,piety,tobetroddown,Forgotten,andmadevain?
Sej.Allforacrown.Theprincewhoshamesatyrant'snametobear,
;11neverdaredoanytiling,l>utfc;\r:Allthecommandofs'-cpln-sfjnitodothperish,Ifitbeginreligiousthoughtstocherish:Wholeempiresfall,sway'dbythosenicerespects;Itisthelicenseofdarkdeedsprotectsl.v'nstatesmosthated,whennolawsresistThesword,butthatitactethwhatitlist.
Tib.Yetso,wemaydoallthingscruelly,Notsafely.
1fdem,ftI'ftro.Arbiter,Sat.ftStatins,T.il>.iii.1Dehacconsultatione,vid.Suet.Tib.c.55.
Sej.Yes,anddothemthoroughly.
Tib.KnowsyetSejanuswhomwepointat?
Sej.Ay,
Orelsemythought,mysense,orbothdoerr:'TisAgrippina.1
Tib.She,andherproudrace.
Sej.Proud!dangerous,2Caesar:forinthemapaceThefather'sspiritshootsup.Germanicus
3Livesintheirlooks,theirgait,theirform,t'upbraidusWithhisclosedeath,ifnotrevengethesame.
Tib.Theact'snotknown.
Sej.Notproved:butwhisperingFameKnowledgeandproofdothtothejealousgive,Who,thantofail,wouldtheirownthoughtbelieve.Itisnotsafe,thechildrendrawlongbreath,Thatareprovokedbyaparent'sdeath.
Tib.Itisasdangeroustomakethemhence,Ifnothingbuttheirbirthbetheiroffence.
Sej.Stay,tilltheystrikeatCaesar;thentheircrimeWil?beenough;butlateandoutoftimeForhimtopunish.
Tib.Dotheypurposeit?
Sej.Youknow,sir,thunderspeaksnottillithit.Benotsecure;noneswiftlierareopprest,Thantheywhomconfidencebetraystorest.Letnotyourdaringmakeyourdangersuch:Allpoweristobefear'd,where'tistoomuch.Theyouthsareofthemselveshot,violent,Fullofgreatthought;andthatmale-spiriteddame,4Theirmother,slacksnomeanstoputthemon,Bylargeallowance,popularpresentings,Increaseoftrainandstate,suingfortitles;Haththemcommendedwithlikeprayers,5likevows,Tothesamegods,withCeesar:daysandnightsShespendsinbanquetsandambitiousfeastsForthenobility;whereCaiusSilius,TitiusSabinus,oldArruntius,AsiniusGallus,Furnius,Regulus,Andothersofthatdiscontentedlist,Aretheprimeguests.There,andtothese,shetellsWhosenieceshewas,6whosedaughter,andwhosewife.
1DeAgrip.vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.69.
*DeSejaniconsil.inAgrip.leg.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.23,etLib.iv.P-77-79-deTib.susp.Lib.iii.p.52.
aGnarisomnibuslaetamTiberioGermanicimortemmaledissimulari.Tacit.Lib.iii.ibid.HueconferTacit,narrat.demortePisonis.p.55.etLib.iv.p.74.Germanicimorteminterprosperaducebat.
*Deanim.viriliAgrip.cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.12et22.Lib.ii.p.47.
*Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.
*EratenimneptisAugusti,AgrippaeetJuliaefilia,Germaniciuxor.Suet.Aug.c.64.
AndthenmusttheycompareherwithAugusta,
Ay,andpreferhertoo;commendherform,
Extolherlfruitfulness;atwhichashower
FallsforthememoryofGermanicus,
Whichtheyblowoverstraightwithwindypraise,
Andpuffinghopesofheraspiringsons;
Who,withthesehourlyticklings,growsopleased,
Andwantonlyconceitedofthemselves,
Asnow,theysticknottobelievethey'resuch
Asthesedogivethemout;andwoudbethought
Morethancompetitors,immediateheirs.
Whilsttotheirthirstofrule,theywintherout
(That'sstillthefriendofnovelty)2withhope
Offuturefreedom,whichoneverychange
Thatgreedily,thoughemptilyexpects.
Ca?sar,'tisageinallthingsbreedsneglects,
Andprincesthatwillkeepolddignity
Mustnotadmittooyouthfulheirsstandby;
Nottheirownissue;butsodarklyset
Asshadowsareinpicture,togiveheight
Andlustretothemselves.
Tib.Wewillcommand3
Theirrankthoughtsdown,andwithastricterhandThanwehaveyetputforth;theirtrainsmustbate,Theirtitles,feasts,andfactions.
Sej.Oryourstate.Buthow,sir,willyouwork?
Tib.Confinethem.
Sej.Xo.
Theyaretoogreat,andthattoofaintablowTogivethemnow;itwouldhaveserv'datfirst,Whenwiththeweakesttouchtheirknothadburst.But,now,yourcaremustbe,nottodetectThesmallestcord,orlineofyoursuspect;Forsuch,whoknowtheweightofprince'sfear,Will,whentheyfindthemselvesdiscover'd,rearTheirforces,likeseensnakes,thatelsewouldlieRoll'dintheircircles,close:noughtismorehigh,Daring,ordesperate,than
olTrndcrsfound;Whereguiltis,rageandcouragebothabound.Thecoursemustbe,toletthemstillswellup,Riot,andsurfeitonblindfortune'scup;Givethemmoreplace,moredignit!'•><,morestyle,Callthemtocourt,tosenate;inthe\vhi!<\
1Defoccund.ejus.vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.39.etLib.iv.p.77.
*Displicereregnantibusciviliaftlioruiningema:nequc<>!>aliudint*r-ceptosquamquiaPop.Rom.,i<|nojurecomplecti,redditaUbertate,agitavrrint.Nat.Tacit.Lit),ii.Ana.p.49.
3Vid.Suet.Tib.c.^4.
Takefromtheirstrengthsomeoneortwain,ormore,Ofthemainfautors,(itwillfrightthestore,)And,bysomeby-occasion.Thus,withslightYoushalldisarmthemfirst;andthey,innightOftheirambition,notperceivethetrain,Tillintheenginetheyarecaughtandslain.
Tib.Wewouldnotkill,ifweknewhowtosave;Yet,thanathrone,'tischeapergiveagrave.Istherenowaytobindthembydeserts?
Sej.Sir,wolvesdochangetheirhair,butnottheirhearts.Whilethusyourthoughtuntoameanistied,Youneitherdareenough,nordoprovide.Allmodestyisfond:andchieflywhereThesubjectisnolesscompell'dtobear,Thanpraisehissovereign'sacts.
Tib.WecannolongerlKeeponourmasktothee,ourdearSejanus;Thythoughtsareours,inall,andwebutprovedTheirvoice,inourdesigns,whichbyassentingHathmoreconfirm'dus,thanifheart'ningJoveHad,fromhishundredstatues,bidusstrike,Andatthestrokeclick'dallhismarblethumbs.2Butwhoshallfirstbestruck?
Sej.FirstCaiusSilius;
Heisthemostofmark,andmostofdanger:Inpowerandreputationequalstrong,Havingcommanded3animperialarmySevenyearstogether,vanquish'dSacrovirInGermany,andthenceobtain'dtowearTheornamentstriumphal.Hissteepfall,Byhowmuchitdothgivetheweightiercrack,Willsendmorewoundingterrortotherest,Commandthemstandaloof,andgivemorewayTooursurprisingoftheprincipal.
Tib.Butwhat,4Sabinus?
Sej.Lethimgrowawhile,Hisfateisnotyetripe:wemustnotpluckAtalltogether,lestwecatchourselves.Andthere'sArruntiustoo,heonlytalks.ButSosia,5Silius'wife,wouldbewoundin
1TiberiumvariisartibusdevinxitadeoSejanus,utobscurumadversnmalios,sibiuniincautum,intectumqueefficeret.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p74.Vid.Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Ivii.p.707.
2Premerepollicem,apudRomanes,maximifavoriseratsignum.Horat.Epist.adLolliuni.Fautorutroquehorumlaudabitpolliceludum.EtPlin.Nat.Hist.Lib.xxviii.cap.2.Pollices,cumfaveamus,premereetiamproverbiojubemur.Deinterp.loci,vid.Ang.Pol.Miscell.cap.xlii.etTurn.Adver.Lib.xi.cap.vi.
8Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.63.etLib.iv.p.79.
'Tacit,ibid.6Tacit,ibid.
Now,forshehathafuryinherbreast,
Morethanhelleverknew;andwouldbesent
Thitherintime.ThenisthereoneCremutius1
Cordus,awritingfellow,theyhavegot
Togathernotesoftheprecedenttimes,
AndmakethemintoAnnals;amosttart
Andbitterspirit,Ihear;who,undercolour
Ofpraisingthose,dothtaxthepresentstate,
Censuresthemen,theactions,leavesnotrick,
Nopracticeunexamined,parallels
Thetimes,thegovernments;aprofestchampion
Fortheoldliberty—
Tib.Aperishingwretch!Asiftherewerethatchaosbredinthings,ThatlawsandlibertywouldnotratherchooseTobequitebroken,andta'enhencebyus,Thanhavethestaintobepreservedbysuch.Havewethemeanstomaketheseguiltyfirst?
Sej.Trustthattome:letCaesar,byhispowerButcauseaformalmeetingofthesenate,Iwillhavematterandaccusersready.
Tib.Buthow?letusconsult.
Sej.WeshallmisspendThetimeofaction.CounselsareunfitInbusiness,whereallrestismoreperniciousThanrashnesscanbe.ActsofthisclosekindThrivemorebyexecutionthanadvice.Thereisnolingeringinthatworkbegun,Whichcannotpraisedbe,untilthroughdone.
Tib.Ouredictsshallforthwithcommandacourt.2WhileIcanlive,Iwillpreventearth'sfury:*L)uou6av6mosyaia/j.ixdiJTO}7ru/n.3
[Exit.EnterJULIUSPOSTHUMUS.
Pos.MylordSejanus—
Sej.Julius4Posthumus!ComewithmywishlWhatnewsfromAgrippina's?
Pos.Faith,none.Thayalllockupthemselvesa'late,Ortalkincharacter;IhavenotseenAcompanysochanged.ExcepttheyhadIntelligencebyauguryofourpractice.—
Sej.Whenwereyouthere?
1Yid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.83.Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Ivii.p.710.et
C'>IH.ad.Marc.cap.i.ctlu-iu-;,cap.22.
2EdictoutplurimuinSenatorsincuriaiuvocatosconstat.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.3.
\uUarisquidamversus,quemsa-peTiber,recitassememoratur.Dion.Ili-t.Rein.Lib.Iviii.p.729.
4DeJulio1'o-tunio.vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.77
Pos.Lastnight.
Sej.Andwhatguestsfoundyou?
Pos.Sabinus,Silius,theoldlist,Arruntius,Furnius,andGallus.
Sej.Wouldnotthesetalk?
Pos.Little:
Andyetweoffer'dchoiceofargument.Satriuswaswithme.
Sej.Well:'tisguiltenoughTheiroftenmeeting.Youforgottoextol*Thehospitablelady?
Pos.No;thattrick
Waswellputhome,andhadsucceededtoo,ButthatSabinuscough'dacautionout;Forshebegantoswell.
Sej.Andmaysheburst!Julius,IwouldhaveyougoinstantlyUntothepalaceofthegreatAugusta,And,byyour2kindestfriend,getswiftaccess;Acquaintherwiththesemeetings:tellthewords3Youbroughtmetheotherday,ofSilius,Addsomewhattothem.MakeherunderstandThedangerofSabinus,andthetimes,Outofhiscloseness.GiveArruntius'wordsOfmaliceagainstCsesar;so,toGallus:But,aboveall,toAgrippina.Say,Asyoumaytruly,thatherinfinitepride,4Proptwiththehopesofhertoofruitfulwomb,Withpopularstudiesgapesforsovereignty,AndthreatensCaesar.PrayAugustathen,Thatforherown,greatCaesar's,andthepub-Licsafety,shebepleasedtourgethesedangers.Caesaristoosecure,hemustbetold,Andbesthe'lltakeitfromamother'stongue.Alas!whatis'tforustosound,toexplore,Towatch,oppose,plot,practise,orprevent,Ifhe,forwhomitissostronglylabour'd,Shall,outofgreatnessandfreespirit,beSupinelynegligent?ourcity'snow5Dividedasintimeo'thecivilwar,AndmenforbearnottodeclarethemselvesOfAgrippina'sparty.EverydayThefactionmultiplies;andwilldomore,Ifnotresisted:youcanbestenlargeit,
1ProximiAgrip.inliciebanturpravissermonibustumidosspiritusperstimulare.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.77.
2MutiliaPrisca,quasinanimumAugustaevalida.Tac.ibid.
3VerbaSiliiimmodicejactata,vid.apudTac.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.
4Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.77.
*HaecapudTacit,leg.Ann.Lib.iv.p7g.
Sej
anus337
Asyoufindaudience.NoblePosthtimng,CommendmetoyourPrisca:andprayher,Shewillsolicitthisgreatbusiness,Toearnestandmostpresentexecution,WithallherutmostcreditwithAugusta.
Pos.Ishallnotfailinmyinstructions.[Exit.
Sej.Thissecond,fromhismother,willwellurgoOurlatedesign,andspuronCaesar'srage;Whichelsemightgrowremiss.ThewaytoputAprinceinblood,istopresenttheshapesOfdangers,greaterthantheyare,likelate,Orearlyshadows;and,sometimes,tofeignWheretherearenone,onlytomakehimfear?Hisfearwillmakehimcruel:andonceenter'd,Hedothnoteasilylearntostop,orspareWherehemaydoubt.ThishaveImademyrule,TothrustTiberiusintotyranny,Andmakehimtoil,toturnasidethoseblocks,WhichIalonecouldnotremovewithsafety,Drususoncegone,Germanicus'threesons*Wouldclogmyway;whoseguardshavetoomuchfaithTobecorrupted:andtheirmotherknownOftoo,toounreprovedachastity,Tobeattempted,aslightLiviawas.Workthen,myart,onCa?sar'sfears,astheyOnthosetheyfear'tillallmyletsbeclear'd,Andheinruinsofhishouse,andhateOfallhissubjects,buryhisownstate;Whenwithmypeaceandsafety,Iwillrise,Bymakinghimthepublicsacrifice.[Exit.
SCENEIII.—ARoominAORIPPTNA'SHouse.EnterSATRIUSandNATTA.
Sat.They'regrownexceedingcircumspect,andwary.
Nat.Theyhaveusinthewind:andyetArruutiudCannotcontainhimself.
Sat.Tut,he'sn<>tyet
Look'dafter;thereareothersmoredesired2Thataremoresilent.
Nat.Herehecomes.Away.[Exeunt.
EnterS.\MINTS,.\Kur\TTUS,andCORDUS.
Snh.Howisit,thatthesebeagleshaunttheh.niseOfAgrippina?
1QuorumnondubiaSUCCPSSJO,nequespargivenenumintrrspoter.itetc.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.77.
Arr.O,theyhunt,1theyhunt!
Thereissomegameherelodged,whichtheymustrouse,Tomakethegreatonessport.
Cor.DidyouobserveHowtheyinveigh'd'gainstCsesar?
Arr.Ay,baits,baits,Forustobiteat:wouldIhavemyfl^shTornbythepublichook,thesequalifiedhangmenShouldbemycompany.
Cor.Herecomesanother.[Dom.Aferpassesoverthestage.
Arr.Ay,there'saman,2Afertheorator!Onethathathphrases,figures,andfineflowers,Tostrewhisrhetoricwith,3anddothmakehaste,Togethimnote,orname,byanyofferWherebloodorgainbeobjects;steepshiswords,Whenhewouldkill,inartificialtears:ThecrocodileofTyber!him1love,Thatmanismine;hehathmyheartandvoiceWhenIwouldcurse!he,he.
Sab.Contemntheslaves,Theirpresentliveswillbetheirfuturegraves.[Exeunl.
SCENEIV.—AnotherApartmentinthesame.EnterSILITJS,AGRIPPINA,NERO,andSOSIA.
Sil.May'tpleaseyourhighnessnotforgetyourself;Idarenot,withmymanners,toattemptYourtroublefarther.
Agr.Farewell,nobleSilius!
Sil.Mostroyalprincess.
Agr.Sosiastayswithus?
Sil.Sheisyourservant,anddothoweyourgraceAnhonest,butunprofitablelove.
Agr.Howcanthatbe,whenthere'snogambutvirtue's?
Sil.Youtakethemoral,notthepoliticsense.Imeant,assheisbold,andfreeofspeech,Earnest4toutterwhatherzealousthoughtTravailswithal,inhonourofyourhouse;Whichact,asitissimplyborninher,Partakesofloveandhonesty;butmay,Bytheover-often,andunseason'duse,
1Tib.temper,delatoresgenushominumpublicoexitiore-pr^tum,etpoenisquidemnunquamsatiscoercitum,perpraemiaeliciebantur.Tac.Aim.Lib.iv.p.82.
3DeDomit.Ai.vid.Tac.Ann.Lib.iv.p.89-93.
*Quoquofacinoreproperusclarescere.Tacit,ibid.Etinfra,prosperioreeloquentiaequammorumfamSfuit.Etp.93.diuegens,etpartonuperproemiomaleusus,pluraadflagitia
accingeretur.
*Vid.Tac.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.i
Turntoyourlossanddanger:1foryourstate
Iswaitedonbyenvies,asbyeyes;
Andeverysecondguestyourtablestake
Isafee'dspy,toobservewhogoes,whocomes;
Whatconferenceyouhave,withwhom,where,when,
Whatthediscourseis,whatthelooks,thethoughts
Ofeverypersonthere,theydoextract,
Andmakeintoasubstance.
Agr.Hearme,Silius.WereallTiberius'bodystuckwitheyes,AndeverywallandhanginginmyhouseTransparent,asthislawnIwear,orair;Yea,hadSejanusbothhisearsaslongAstomyinmostcloset,IwouldhateTowhisperanythought,orchangeanact,TobemadeJuno'srival.Virtue'sforcesShewevernoblestinconspicuouscourses.
Sil.'Tisgreat,andbravelyspoken,likethespiritOfAgrippina:yet,yourhighnessknows,Thereisnorlossnorshameinprovidence;Fewcan,whatallshoulddo,bewareenough.Youmayperceive2withwhatofficiousface,Satrius,andNatta,Afer,andtherestVisityourhouse,oflate,toenquirethesecrets;Andwithwhatboldandprivilegedart,theyrailAgainstAugusta,yea,andatTiberius;TelltricksofLivia,andSejanus;allToexcite,andcallyourindignationon,Thattheymighthearitatmoreliberty.
Agr.You'retoosuspicious,Silius.
Sil.Praythegods,Ibeso,Agrippina;butIfearSomesubtlepractice.3TheythatdursttostrikeAtsoexampless,andunblamedalife,AsthatoftherenownedGermanicus,Willnotsitdownwiththatexploitalone:Hethreatensmanythathathinjuredone.
Nero.'Twerebestripforththeirtongues,searouttheireyes,Whennexttheycome.
Sus.Alitrewardforspies.
EnterDRUSTJS,jun.
Dru.jun.H'-aryoutherumour?Agr.What?
Dru.pin.Drususisdying.4Agr.Dying!
1Tacit,ibid,etpp.90et92.
,'iir>Tnc
1Vicl.IscAnn.T.ib.iv.p.77.*Tacit,ib
1SiK't.'Iil>.r.2Di<>n.I\»in.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.705.*TarAnnLilt.iv.pp.71.7v?fi,77.
Nero.That'sstrange!
Agr.Youwerewithhimyesternight.
Dru.jun.OnemetEudemusthephysician,Sentfor,butnow;whothinkshecannotlive.
Sil.Thinks!ifitbearrivedatthat,heknows,Ornone.
Agr.'Tisquick!whatshouldbehisdisease?
Sil.Poison,poison—
Agr.How,Silius!
Nero.What'sthat?
Sil.Nay,nothing.TherewaslateacertainblowGivno'theface.
Nero.Ay,toSejanus.
Sil.True.
Dru.jun.Andwhatofthat?
Sil.I'mgladIgaveitnot.
Nero.Butthereissomewhatelse?
Sil.Yes,privatemeetings,Withagreatlady[sir],ataphysician's,Andawifeturn'daway.
Nero.Ha!
Sil.Toys,meretoys:Whatwisdom'snowinth'streets,inthecommonmouth?
Dru.jun.Fears,whisperings,tumults,noise,Iknownotwhat-.TheysaytheSenatesit.1
S"il.I'llthitherstraight;Andseewhat'sintheforge.
Agr.GoodSiliusdo;SosiaandIwillin.
Sil.Hasteyou,mylords,Tovisitthesickprince;tenderyourloves,Andsorrowstothepeople.ThisSejanus,Tmstmydiviningsoul,hathplotsonall:Notree,thatstopshisprospect,butmustfall.[Exeunt.
ACTIII
SCENEI.—TheSenate-House.
EnterPrsecones,Lictores,SEJANUS,VARRO,LATIARIS,GOTTA,
andAFER.
Rej.'Tisonly2youmusturgeagainsthim,Varro;NorInorCsesarmayappeartherein,Exceptinyourdefence,whoaretheconsul;And,undercolouroflateenmityBetweenyourfatherandhis,maybetterdoit,
1Vid.Tac.Ann.Lib.iv.p.76.2Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.
Asfreefromallsuspicionofapractice.
Herebeyournotes,whatpointstotouchat;read:
Becunninginthem.Aferhasthemtoo.
Var.Butishesummon'd?
Sej.No.ItwasdebatedByCa?sar,andconcludedasmostfitTotakehimunprepared.
Afer.AndprosecuteAllundernameoftreason.1
Var.Iconceive.
EnterSABINUS,GALLTJS,LEPIDTTS,andARRTTNTIUS.
Sab.Drususbeingdead,Ca?sarwillnotbehere.
Gal.Whatshouldthebusinessofthissenatebe?
Arr.Thatcanmysubtlewhispererstellyou:weThatarethegood-dull-noblelookerson,Areonlycall'dtokeepthemarblewarm.Whatshouldwedowiththosedeepmysteries,Propertothesefineheads?letthemalone.Ourignorancemay,perchance,helpusbesavedFromwhipsandfuries.
Gall.See,see,seetheiraction!
Arr.Ay,nowtheirheadsdotravail,nowtheywork;Theirfacesrunlikeshittles;theyareweavingSomecuriouscobwebtocatchfiies.
Sab.Observe,Theytaketheirplaces.
Arr.What,2solowl
Gal.Oyes,
TheymustbeseentoflatterCaesar'sgrief,Thoughbutinsitting.
Var.Bidussilence.
Free.Silence!
Var.Fathersconscript3waythisourpresentmeelir.jTurnfair,andfortunatetothecommon-wealth/
EnterSILKJS,andotherSenators.
Frj.See,Siliusenters.
Sil.Hail,gravefathers1
Lie.Stand.Silius,forbearthyplace.
Sen.Howl
Prce.Silius,standforth,Theconsulhathtochargethce.
Lie.RoomforCVsur.
.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.Sedcnnctaqnrrstionemnjpstatisexrrcita.1Tacit,cod.Lib.iv.p.76.Consulesquesedevulgar!perspccinntnaestitiaesedentes.
*PracfatiosoleunisConsulumRom.vid.Bar.Briss.defor.Lib.ii.
Arr.Ishecometoo!naythenexpectatrick.Sab.Siliusaccused!surehewillanswernobly.
EnterTIBERIUS,attended.
Tib.Westandamazed,fathers,tobeholdThisgeneraldejection.WhereforesitRome'sconsulsthusdissolved,1astheyhadlostAlltheremembrancebothofstyleandplace2Itnotbecomes.Nowoesareoffitweight,Tomakethehonouroftheempirestoop:ThoughI,inmypeculiarself,maymeetJustreprehension,thatsosuddenly,And,insofreshagrief,wouldgreetthesenate,Whenprivatetongues,ofkinsmenandallies,Inspiredwithcomforts,lothlyareendured,Thefaceofmennotseen,andscarcetheday,Tothousandsthatcommunicateourloss.NorcanIarguetheseofweakness;sinceTheytakebutnaturalways;yetImustseekForstrongeraids,andthosefairhelpsdrawoutFromwarmembracesofthecommon-wealth.Ourmother,greatAugusta,'sstruckwithtime,Ourselfimprestwithagedcharacters,Drususisgone,hischildrenyoungandbabes;OuraimsmustnowreflectonthosethatmayGivetimelysuccourtothesepresentills,Andareouronlyglad-survivinghopes,ThenobleissueofGermanicus,NeroandDrusus:mightitpleasetheconsulHonourthemin,theybothattendwithout.Iwouldpresentthemtothesenate'scare,AndraisethosesunsofjoythatshoulddrinkupThesefloodsofsorrowinyourdrownedeyes.
Arr.ByJove,IamnotCEdipusenoughTounderstandthisSphynx.
Sab.Theprincescome.
EnterNERO,andDRUSUS,junior.
Tib.Approachyou,nobleNero,nobleDrusug.Theseprinces,fathers,whentheirparentdied,Igaveuntotheiruncle,withthisprayer,Thatthoughhehadproperissueofhisown,Hewouldnolessbringup,andfosterthese,Thanthatself-blood;andbythatactconfirmTheirworthstohim,andtoposterity.Drususta'enhence,Iturnmyprayerstoyou,And'foreourcountry,andourgods,beseechYoutake,andruleAugustus'nephew'ssons,1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.76.
Sprungofthenoblestancestors;andPO
Accomplishbothmyduty,andyourown.
Nero,andDrusus,theseshallbetoyou
Inplaceofparents,theseyourfathers,these;
Andnotunfitly:foryouaresoborn,
Asallyourgood,orill'sthecommon-wealth's.
Receivethem,youstrongguardians;andblestgods,
Makealltheiractionsanswertotheirbloods:
Lettheirgreattitlesfindincreasebythem,
Nottheybytitles.Setthemasinplace,
Soinexample,abovealltheRomans:
Andmaytheyknownorivalsbutthemselves.
LetFortunegivethemnothing;butattend
LTpontheirvirtue:andthatstillcomeforth
Greaterthanhope,andbetterthantheirfame.
Relieveme,fathers,withyourgeneralvoice.
Senators.MayallthegodsconsenttoCcesar'swish,AndaddtoanyhonoursthatmaycrownThehopefulissueofGermanicus!
Tib.Wethankyou,reverendfathers,intheirri-jht.
Arr.Ifthisweretruenow!butthespace,thespaceBetweenthebreastandlips—Tiberius'heartLiesathoughtfurtherthananotherman's.[Aside.
Tib.Mycomfortsaresoflowinginmyjoys,As,inthem,allmystreamsofgriefarelost,Nolessthanareland-watersinthesea,Orshowersinrivers;thoughtheircausewassurh,Asmighthavesprinkledev'nthegodswithtears:Yet,sincethegreaterdothembracetheless,Wecovetouslyobey.
Arr.Wellacted,Capsar.[Asid*.
Tib.AndnowIamthehappywitnessmadoOfyoursomuchdesiredaffectionsTothisgreatissue,Icouldwish,theFatosWouldheresetpeacefulperiodtomyda}-s;Howevertomylabours,Ientreat,Andbegitofthissenate,somefitease.
Arr.Laugh,fathers,laugh:lhaveyounoBpleecuTaboutyou?
\A
Tib.TheburdenistooheavyTsu^ininOnmyunwillingshoulders;andIprayItmaybetakenoff,andreconferrcIUpontheconsuls,orsomeotherRoman,Moreable,andmon>worthy.
Arr.L;ni'j!ionstill.\A-
'>.Whythisdothrenderallthed!
Gal.Itpoisonsall.
1Tacit.Lib.iv.p.76.Advana<tt»ticsinri?an-vi>lutusrloRrp.utqupconsulos,seuqir.-it.
Arr.0,doyoutasteitthen?
Sab.IttakesawaymyfaithtoanytilingHeshallhereafterspeak.
Arr.Ay,topraythat,
Whichwouldbetohisheadashotasthunder,'GainstwhichhewearsthatcharmlshouldbutthecourtReceivehimathisword.
Gal.Hear!
Tib.Formyself
Iknowmyweakness,andsolittlecovet,Likesomegonepast,theweightthatwilloppressme,Asmyambitionisthecounter-point.
Arr.Finelymaintained;goodstill!
Sej.ButRome,whoseblood,Whosenerves,whoselife,whoseveryframereliesOnCsesar'sstrength,nolessthanheavenonAtlas,Cannotadmititbutwithgeneralruin.
Arr.Ah!areyoutheretobringhimoff?[Aside.
Sej.LetCsesar
NomorethenurgeapointsocontraryToCaesar'sgreatness,thegrievedsenate'svows,OrRome'snecessity.\Gal.Hecomesabout—
Arr.MorenimblythanVertumnus.
Tib.Forthepublick,ImaybedrawntoshewIcanneglectAllprivateaims,thoughIaffectmyrest;Butifthesenatestillcommandmeserve,Imustbegladtopractisemyobedience.2
Arr.Youmustandwill,sir.Wedoknowit.[Aside.
Senators.Ccesar,
Livelonqandhappy,greatandroyalCcesar;Thegodspreservetheeandthymodesty,ThywisdomandthyinnocenceI
Arr.Whereis't?Theprayerismadebeforethesubject.[Aside.
Senators.Guard
Hismeekness,Jove;hispiety,hiscare,Hisbounty—
Arr.Andhissubtility,I'llputin:Yethe'llkeepthathimself,withoutthegods.Allprayersarevainforhim.[Aside.
Tib.Wewillnothold
Yourpatience,fathers,withlonganswer;but
1'Gainstwhichhewearsacharm.]Tonitruaprsetermodumexpavescebat;etturbatioreccelonunquamnoncoronamlaureamcapitagestavit,quodfulmineafflarinegeturidgenusfrondis.Suet.Tib.c.69.Plin.Nat.Hist.Lib.xv.c.20.
8Semperperplexaetobscuraorat.Tib.vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.5.
Shallstillcontendtobewhatyoudesire,Andworktosatisfysogreatahope.Proceedtoyourattairs.
Arr.Now,Silius,guardthee;Thecurtain'sdrawing.Aferadvanceth.[Aside.
Prce.Silence!
Afer.CitelCaiusSilius.
Prce.CaiusSilius!
SilHere.
Afer.ThetriumphthatthouhadstinGermanyForthylatevictoryonSacrovir,Thouhast
enjoy'dsofreely,CaiusSilius,Asnomanitenviedthee;norwouldCfosar,OrRomeadmit,thatthouwertthendefraudedOfanyhonoursthydesertscouldclaim,Inthefairserviceofthecommon-wealth:Butnow,if,afteralltheirlovesandgraces,(Thyactions,andtheircoursesbeingdiscover'd)ItshallappeartoCa?sarandthissenate,Thouhastdefiledthoseglorieswiththycrimes—
Sil.Crimes!
Afer.Patience,Silius.
Sil.Tellthymuleofpatience;
IamaRoman.Whataremycrimes?proclaimthem.AmItoorich,toohonestforthetimes?HaveIortreasure,jewels,land,orhousesThatsomeinformergapesfor?ismystrengthToomuchtobeadmitted,ormyknowledge?Thesenowarecrimes.2
Afer.Nay,Silius,ifthenameOfcrimesotouchthee,withwhatimpotenceWiltthouendurethemattertobesearch'tl?
Sil.Itellthee,Afer,withmorescornthanfear:Employyourmercenarytongueandart.Where'smyaccuser?
Var.Here.
Arr.Varro.theconsul!Ishethrustin?[A;<ide.
Var.'TisIaccusethee,Silius.AgainstthemajestyofRome,andf<^ir,Idopronouncetheehereaguiltycause,Firstofbeginning3andoccasioning,Next,drawingoutthewarin4Gallia,
1Citabaturreusetribunal!vocepraecouis.vid.Bar.Crisson.Lib.5,deform.
1Vid.Suet.Tib.Tacit.Dio.Senec.
1Tacit.Lib.iv.p.79.Consciontia"bHli.S.in-ovirdiudissimulatus,victoriaperavaritiamteel;tta,ftuxorS<>si:i.iruiu'lMtitnr.
4BfHumSacrovirianuminGall.erat.Tri"rnphinGerm.vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.63.
Forwhichthoulatetriumph'st;dissemblinglong
ThatSacrovirtobeanenemy,
Onlytomakethyentertainmentmore.
Whilstthou,andthywifeSosia,poll'dtheprovince:
Wherein,withsordid,basedesireofgam,
Thouhastdiscreditedthyactions'worth,
Andbeenatraitortothestate.
Sil.Thouliest.
Arr.Ithankthee,Silius,speaksostillandoften.
Var.IfInotproveit,Caesar,1butunjustlyHavecall'dhimintotrial;hereIbindMyselftosuffer,whatIclaimagainsthim;AndyieldtohavewhatIhavespoke,confirrn'd.Byjudgmentofthecourt,andallgoodmen.
Sil.Caesar,Icravetohavemycausedeferr'd,Tillthisman'sconsulshipbeout.
Tib.Wecannot,Normaywegrantit.
Sil.Why?shallhedesignMydayoftrial?Ishemyaccuser,Andmusthebemyjudge?
Tib.Ithathbeenusual,Andisarightthatcustomhathallow'dThemagistrate,2tocallforthprivatemen;Andtoappointtheirday:whichprivilegeWemaynotintheconsulseeinfringed,Bywhosedeepwatches,andindustriouscareItissolabour'd,asthecommon-wealthReceivenoloss,byanyobliquecourse.
Sil.Caesar,thyfraudisworsethanviolence.
Tib.Silius,mistakeusnot,wedarenotuseThecreditoftheconsultothywrong;Butonlytopreservehisplaceandpower,SofarasitconcernsthedignityAndhonourofthestate.
Arr.Believehim,Silius.
Cot.Why,sohemay,Arruntius.
Arr.Isayso.Andhemaychoosetoo.
Tib.BytheCapitol,
Andallourgods,butthatthedearrepublic,Oursacredlaws,andjustauthorityAreinteress'dtherein,Ishouldbesilent.
Afer.'PleaseCaesartogivewayuntohistrial,Heshallhavejustice.
Sil.Nay,Ishallhavelaw;
1Vid.accusandiformulamapudBrisson.Lib.v.deform.
2Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.AdversatusestCaesar,solirumquippemagistratibusdieinprivatisdicere,neeinfringendumConsuiisjus,cujusvigiliis,etc.
ShallInot,Afer?speak.
Afer.Wouldyouhavemore?
Sil.No,mywell-spokenman,Twouldnomore;Norless:mightIenjoyitnatural.Nottaughttospeakuntoyourpresentends.Freefromthine,his,andallyourunkindhandling,Furiousenforcing,mostunjustpresuming,Malicious,andmanifoldapplying,Foulwresting,andimpossibleconstruction.
Afer.Heraves,heraves.
Sil.Thoudurstnottellmeso,HadstthounotCa?sar'swarrant.IcanseeWhosepowercondemnsme.
Var.Thisbetrayshisspirit:Thisdothenoughdeclarehimwhatheis.
Sil.WhatamI?speak.
Var.Anenemytothestate.
Sil.BecauseIamanenemytothee,Andsuchcorruptedministerso'thestate,ThathereartmadeapresentinstrumentTolgratifyitwiththineowndisgrace.
Sej.This,totheconsul,ismostinsolent,Andimpious!
Sil.Ay,takepart.Revealyourselves,Alas!Iscentnotyourconfederacies,Yourplots,andcombinations!InotknowMinionSejanushatesme:andthatall,Thisboastoflaw,andlaw,isbutaform,AnetofVulcan'sfiling,amereingine,Totakethatlifebyapretextofjustice,Whichyoupursueinmalice!Iwantbrain,Ornostriltopersuademe,thatyourends,Andpurposesaremadetowhattheyare,Beforemyanswer!0,youequalgods,Whosejusticenotaworldofwolf-turn'dmenShallmakemetoaccuse,howe'erprovoked;HaveIforthissooftengagedmvself?
V
Stoodintheheatandfervourofafight,WhenPho3bussoonerhathforsookthedayThanIthefield,againsttheblue-eyedGauls.AndcrispedGermans?whenourRomaneaglesHavefann'dthefire,withtheirlabouringwings,Andnoblowdealt,thatleftnotdeathbehindit?WhenIhavecharged,alone,intothetroopsOfcurl'dSicambrians,2routedthem,andcame
'Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.7n.ImmissusqueVarroconsul.;t:ipatcrnasinimicitiasobtendens,odiidedecussuumgratificabatur.
1PopuliGerm,hodieGddriinHd-icasnntinter.M".-,.mi<-tKhrnum,quoscelebratM'-rt.Sp^c.v
Crinilm.-,innodumt»rtisvenereSicarnbri.
Notoff,withbackwardensignsofaslave;
Butforwardmarks,woundsonmybreastandface,
Weremeanttothee,OCaesar,andthyRome'?
AndhaveIthisreturn!didI,forthis,
Performsonobleandsobravedefeat
OnSacrovir!OJove,letitbecomeme
Toboastmydeeds,whenhewhomtheyconcern,
Shallthusforgetthem.
Afcr.Silius,Silius,
Thesearethecommoncustomsofthyblood,Whenitishighwithwine,asnowwithrage:Thiswellagreeswiththatintemperatevaunt,Thoulatelymad'st*atAgrippina'stable,That,whenallotherofthetroopswereproneTofallintorebellion,onlythineRemain'dintheirobedience.ThouwertheThatsavedtheempire,whichhadthenbeenlostHadbutthylegions,there,rebell'd,ormutined;Thyvirtuemet,andfrontedeveryperil.Thougav'sttoCaesar,andtoRometheirsurety;Theirname,theirstrength,theirspirit,andtheirstate,Theirbeingwasadonativefromthee.
Arr.Wellworded,andmostlikeanorator.
Tib.Isthistrue,Silius?
Sil.Savethyquestion,Caesar;Thyspyoffamouscredithathaffirm'dit.
Arr.ExcellentRoman!
Sab.Hedothanswerstoutly.
Sej.Ifthisbeso,thereneedsnofarthercauseOfcrimeagainsthim.
Var.WhatcanmoreimpeachTheroyaldignityandstateofCaesar,ThantobeurgedwithabenefitHecannotpay?
Cot.Inthis,allCaesar'sfortuneIsmadeunequaltothecourtesy.
Lat.Hiemeansarecleandestroyedthatshouldrequite.
Gal.NothingisgreatenoughforSilius'merit.
Arr.Gallusonthatsidetoo![A-tide.
Sil.Come,donothunt,Andlaboursoaboutforcircumstance,Tomakehimguiltywhomyouhaveforedoom'd:Takeshorterways,I'llmeetyourpurposes.Thewordsweremine,andmoreInowwillsay:SinceIhavedonetheethatgreatservice,Caesar,Thoustillhastfear'dme;andinplaceofgrace,Return'dmehatred:sosoonallbestturns,Withdoubtfulprinces,turndeep
injuries1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.
Inestimation,whentheygreaterrise
Thancanbeanswer'd.Benefits,withyou,
Areofnolongerpleasure,thanyoucan
Witheaserestorethem;thattranscendedonce,
Yourstudiesarenothowtothank,butkill.
Itisyournature,tohaveallmenslaves
Toyou,butyouacknowledgingtonone.
Themeansthatmakeyourgreatness,mustnotcome
Inmentionofit;ifitdo,ittakes
Somuchaway,youthink:andthatwhichhelp'd,
Shallsoonestperish,ifitstandineye,
Whereitmayfront,orbutupbraidthehigh.
Cot.Sufferhimspeaknomore.
Far.Notebuthisspirit.
Afer.Thisshewshimintherest.
Lai.Lethimbecensured.
Sej.HehathspokeenoughtoprovehimCresar'sfoe.
Cot.Histhoughtslookthroughhiswords.
Sej.Acensure.
Sil.Stay,
Stay,mostofficioussenate,IshallstraightDeludethyfury.SiliushathnotplacedHisguardswithinhim,againstfortune'sspito,Soweakly,buthecanescapeyourgripeThatarebuthandsoffortune:sheherself,Whenvirtuedothoppose,mustloseherthreats.Allthatcanhappeninhumanity,ThefrownofCaesar,proudSejanus'hatred,BaseVarro'sspleen,andAfer'sbloodyingtongue,Thesenate'sservileflattery,andtheseMuster'dtokill,I'mfortifiedagainst;Andcanlookdownupon:theyarebeneathme.ItisnotlifewhereofIstandenamour'd;Xorshallmyendmakemeaccusemyfate.Thecowardandthevaliantmanmustfall,Onlythecauseandmannerhow,discernsthem:Whichthenaregladdest,whentheycost
U3ucurejt.Romans,ifanyherebeinthissenate,WouldknowtomockTiberius'tyranny,LookuponSilius,andsolearntodie.[Stabshimsilf.
Var.Odesperateact!
Arr.Anhonourablehand!
Tib.Look,ishedead?
Sab.'Twasnoblystruck,andhome.
Arr.Mythoughtdidprompthimtoit.Farewell,Silius,Befamouseverforthygreatexample.
Tib.Wearenotpleasedinthissadaccident,Thatthushathstalled,andabusedourmeny,Intendedtopreservethee,nobleRoman,
Andtopreventthyhopes.
Arr.Excellentwolf!Nowheisfullhehowls.[Aside.
Sej.CaesardothwrongHisdignityandsafetythustomournThedeserv'dendofsoprofestatraitor,Anddoth,bythishislenity,instructOthersasfactioustothelikeoffence.
Tib.TheconfiscationmerelyofhisstateHadbeenenough.
Arr.O,thatwasgapedforthen?[Aside.
Var.Removethebody.
Sej.LetcitationGooutforSosia.
Gal.Letherbeproscribed:Andforthegoods,IthinkitfitthathalfGotothetreasure,halfuntothechildren.
Lep.WithleaveofCaesar,Iwouldthinkthatfourth,Thewhichthelawdothcastontheinformers,Shouldbeenough;therestgotothechildren.Whereintheprinceshallshewhumanity,Andbounty;nottoforcethembytheirwant,Whichintheirparents'trespasstheydeserv'd,Totakeillcourses.
Tib.Itshallpleaseus.
Arr.Ay,
Outofnecessity.ThislLepidusIsgraveandhonest,andIhaveobservedAmoderationstillinallhiscensures.
Sab.AndbendingtothebetterStay,who'sthis?
EnterSATRIUSandNATTA,withCREMUTIUSCORDUSguarded.CremutiusCordus!What!
ishebroughtin?
Arr.Morebloodintothebanquet!NobleCordus,2Iwishtheegood:beasthywritings,free,Andhonest.
Tib.Whatishe?
Sej.FortheAnnals,Caesar.
Free.CremutiusCordus!
Cor.Here.
Free.SatriusSecundus,PinnariusNatta,youarehisaccusers.
Arr.TwoofSejanus'blood-hounds,whomhebreedsWithhumanflesh,tobayatcitizens.
Afer.Standforthbeforethesenate,andconfronthim.
Sat.Idoaccusetheehere,CremutiusCordus,Tobeamanfactiousanddangerous,Asowerofseditioninthestate,
1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.80.1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.83,84.Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Ivii.p.710.
Aturbulentanddiscontentedspirit,
WhichIwillprovefromthineownwritings,hero,
TheAnnalsthouhastpublish'd;wherethoubitot
Thepresentage,andwithaviper'stooth,
Beingamemberofit,dar'stthatill
Whichneveryetdegenerousbastarddid
Uponhisparent.
Xat.Tothis,Isubscribe;
And,forthaworldofmoreparticulars,
Instanceinonlyone:comparingmen,
Andtimes,thoupraisestBrutus,andaffirrn'st
ThatCassiuswasthelastofalltheRomans.Cot.How!whatarewethen?Far.WhatisCaesar?nothing?Afer.Mylords,thisstrikesateveryRoman'sprivate,
Tnwhomreignsgentry,andestateofspirit,
TohaveaBrutusbroughtinparallel,
Aparricide,anenemyofhiscountry,
Rank'd,andpreferr'dtoanyrealworth
ThatRomenowholds.Thisismoststrangely'invective,
Mostfullofspite,andinsolentupbraiding.
Noris'tthetimealoneisheredisprised,
Butthewholemanoftime,yea,Caesar'sself
Broughtindisvalue;andheaimedatmost,
Byobliqueglanceofhislicentiouspen.
Cifisar,ifCassiuswerethelastofRomans,
Thouhastnoname.
Tib.Let'shearhimanswer.Silence!Cor.SoinnocentIamoffact,mylords,Asbutmywordsareargued:yetthosewordsNotreachingeitherprinceorprince'sparent:Thewhichyourlawoftreasoncomprehends.^BrutusandCassiusIamchargedtohaveprnisorl;Whosedeeds,whenmanymore,besidesmysi-lf,Havewrit,notonehathmention'dwithouthonour.GreatTitusLivius,greatforeloquence,Andfaithamongstus,inhishistory,WithsogreatpraisesPompeydidextol,1AsoftAugu-'tuscall'dhimaPompeian:Yetthisnothurttheirfriendship.InhisbookHeoftennamesScipio,Afranius,Yea,thesameCassius,andthisBrutustoo,Asworthiestmen;notthievesandparricide,Whichnotesupontheirfamesarenowim(io.MjJ.AsiniusPollio'swritingsquitethroughout(iivethemanoblememory;solM-ilaRonownMhisgeneralCassius:yetbothtlirsoLivedwithAtiinistus,fullofwealthandhonours.
1Septemdec.lib.Hist,scrii^it.vid.Suid.Snt.
ToCicero'sbook,whereCatowasheav'dup
EqualwithHeaven,whatelsedidCsesaranswer,
Beingthendictator,butwithapenn'doration,
Asifbeforethejudges?Dobutsee
Antonius'letters;readbutBrutus'pleadings:
WhatvilereproachtheyholdagainstAugustus,
False,Iconfess,butwithmuchbitterness.
TheepigramsofBibaculusandCatullus
Areread,fullstuftwithspiteofboththeCaesars;
YetdeifiedJulius,andnolessAugustus,
Bothborethem,andcontemn'dthem:Inotknow,
Promptlytospeakit,whetherdonewithmore
Temper,orwisdom;forsuchobloquies
Iftheydespisedbe,theydiesupprest;
Butifwithrageacknowledg'd,theyareconfest.
TheGreeksIslip,whoselicensenotalone,
Butalsolustdidscapeunpunished:
Orwheresomeone,bychance,exceptiontook,
Hewordswithwordsrevenged.But,inmywork,
Whatcouldbeaim'dmorefree,orfartheroff
Fromthetime'sscandal,thantowriteofthose,
Whomdeathfromgraceorhatredhadexempted?
DidI,withBrutusandwithCassius,
Arm'd,andpossess'dofthePhilippifields,
Incensethepeopleinthecivilcause,
Withdangerousspeeches?Ordothey,beingslain
Seventyyearssince,asbytheirimages,
Whichnottheconquerorhathdefaced,appears,
Retainthatguiltymemorywithwriters?
Posteritypayseverymanhishonour;
Norshalltherewant,thoughIcondemnedam,
ThatwillnotonlyCassiuswellapprove,
AndofgreatBrutus'honourmindfulbe,
Butthatwillalsomentionmakeofme.
Arr.Freelyandnoblyspoken!
Sab.Withgoodtemper;Ilikehim,thatheisnotmovedwithpassion.
Arr.Heputsthemtotheirwhisper.
Tib.Takehimhence;lWTeshalldetermineofhimatnextsitting.
[Exeunt,OfficerswithCordus.
Cot.Meantime,giveorder,thathisbooksbeburnt,Tothesediles.
Sej.Youhavewelladvised.
Afer.ItfitsnotsuchlicentiousthingsshouldliveT'upbraidtheage.
Arr.Iftheageweregood,theymight.
1Egressusdeinsenatuvitamabstinentiafinivit.Tacit,ibid.Generosamjeusmortemvid.apudSen.Cons,adMarc.cap.22.
Lai.Letthembeburnt.
<i'il.Allsought,andburntto-day.
Free.Thecourtisup;lictors,resumethefnsros.
[ExeuntallbutArruntius,Sabinus,andLepidus.
Arr.Letthembeburnt!O,howridiculousAppearsthesenate'sbrainlessdiligence,Whothinktheycan,withpresentpower,extinguishThememoryofallsucceedingtimes!
Sab.'Tistrue;when,contrary,thepunishmentOfwit,dothmaketheauthorityincrease.Nordotheyaught,thatusethiscrueltyOfinterdiction,andthisrageofburning,Butpurchasetothemselvesrebukeandshame,Andtothewriterslaneternalname.
Lep.Itisanargumentthetimesaresore,Whenvirtuecannotsafelybeadvanced;Norvicereproved.
Arr.Ay,nobleLepidus;AugustuswellforesawwhatweshouldsufferUnderTiberius,whenhedidpronounceTheRomanracemostwretched,2thatshouldliveBetweensoslowjaws,andsolongabruising.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—ARoominthePalace.EnterTIBERIUSandSEJANUS.
Tib.Thisbusinesshathsucceededwell,Sejanus,Andquiteremovedalljealousyofpractice
'GainstAgrippina,andournephews.Now,Wemustbethinkushowtoplantouringine,Forth'otherpair,SabinusandArruntius,AndCallus3too:howe'erheflatterus,Hisheartweknow.
Sej.Giveitsomerespite,Caesar.Timeshallmature,andbringtoperfectcrown,Whatwe,withsogoodvultureshavebegun:Sabinusshallbenext.
Tib.RatherArruntius.
Sej.Byanymeans,preservehim.TTi-fninkBeingletthereins,wouMtakeawayallthou-hbOfmalice,inyourcourseagainsttherest:Wemustkeephimtostalkwith.
Tib.Dearestln-a'l,TothymostfortunatedesignIyieldit.
1Mnnvnintpinslihrioccultatietrditi.Tncit.il>i<l.SrripsTnthisCremut.bellacivilia,etresAug.extantquefragmu.iamSuasuiiasrxiaSenec.
1Vi1.Suet.Tib.c.21.
1ViJ.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.6.Lib.ii.p.c~.
Scj.Sir,1—Ihavebeensolongtrain'dupingrace,Firstwithyourfather,greatAugustus;since,WithyourmosthappybountiessofamiliarAsInotsoonerwouldcommitmyhopesOrwishestothegods,thantoyourears.XorhaveIever,yet,beencovetouaOfover-brightanddazzlinghonour-;ratherTowatchandtravailingreatCaesar'ssafety,Withthemostcommonsoldier.
Tib.'Tisconfest.
Sej.Theonlygain,andwhichIcountmostfairOfallmyfortunes,is,thatmightyCaesarHasthoughtmeworthyhisalliance.2HenceBeginmyhopes.
Tib.Umph!
Sej.Ihaveheard,Augustus,Inthebestowingofhisdaughter,thoughtButevenofgentlemenofRome:ifso,—Iknownothowtohopesogreatafavour—ButifahusbandshouldbesoughtforLivia,AndIbehadinmind,asCaesar'sfriend,Iwouldbutusethegloryofthekindred:Itshouldnotmakemeslothful,orlesscaringForCaesar'sstate:itwereenoughtomeItdidconfirm,andstrengthenmyweakhouse,AgainstthenowunequaloppositionOfAgrippina;andfordearregardUntomychildren,thisIwish:myselfHavenoambitionfartherthantoendMvdavsinserviceofsodearamaster.
•>«/
Tib.Wecannotbutcommendthypiety,TJostlovedSejanus,inacknowledgingThosebounties;whichwe,faintly,suchremember—Buttothysuit.Therestofmortalmen,Inalltheirdriftsandcounsels,pursueprofit;Princesaloneareofadiiierentsort,Directingtheirmainactionsstilltofame:Wethereforewilltaketimetothinkandanswer.ForLiviashecanbest,herself,resolveIfshewillmarry,afterDrusus.orContinueinthefamily;besides,She
hathamother,andagrandamyet,Whosenearercounselsshemayguideherby:ButIwillsimplydeal.ThatenmityThoufear'stinAgrippina,wouldburnmore,I"Livia'smarriageshould,as'twereinparts,Dividetheimperialhouse;anemulation
1T?.nt.Ann.Lib.iv.p.85.*FiiiaejusClaudiifiliodesponsa.
Betweenthewomenmightbreakforth:anddiscord
Ruinthesonsandnephewsonbothhands.
Whatifitcausesomepresentdifference?
Thouartnotsafe,Sejanus,ifthouproveit
Canstthoubelieve,thatLivia.firstthewife
ToCaiusCaesar.1thenmyDrusus.now
Willbecontentedtogrowoldwiththee,
BornbutaprivategentlemanofRome,
Andraisetheewithherloss,ifnothershamp?
OrsaythatIshouldwishit.canstthouthi.
Thesenate,orthepeople(whohaveseen
Herbrother,father,andourancestors,
Inhighestplaceofempire)willendureit?
Thestatethouhold'stalready,isintalk;
Menmurmuratthygreatness:andthenobles
Sticknot,inpublic,toupbraidthyclimbing
Aboveourfather'sfavours,orthyscale:
Anddareaccuseme,fromtheirhatetothee.
Bewise,dearfriend.Wewouldnothidethesethings
Forfriendship'sdearrespect:Xorwillwestand
Adversetothine,orLivia'sdesignments.
Whatwehavepurposedtothee,inourthoueht.
Andwithwhatneardecreesoflovetobindthee,
Andmaketheeequaltous:forthepresent,
Wewillforbeartospeak.Onlythusmuch
Believe,ourlovedSejanus,wenotknow
Thatheightinbloodorhonour,whichthyvirtr.e
Andmindtous,maynotaspirewithmerit.
Andthiswe'llpublishonallwatch'doccasion
Thesenateorthepeopleshallpresent.
Sej.Iamrestored,andtomysenseagain,WhichIhadlostinthissoblindingsuit.Caesarhathtaughtmebettertorefuse,ThanIknewhowtoask.HowpleasethC^sar3TembracemylateadviceforleavingRome?
Tib.Weareresolved.
Sej.Herearesomemotivesmore,[£?Vc-<?himapaptr.
WhichIhavethoughtonsince,maymoreconfirm.
Tib.CarefulSejanus!wewillstraightrerusethem:Goforwardinourmaindesign,andproper.[Exit.
Sej.Ifthosebuttake.Ishall.Dull,heavyResar!Wmildstthoutellme,thyfavoursweremadeciAndthatmyfortuneswereesteem'dthyfaults,Thatthouformewerthated,andnotthinkIwouldwithwingedhastepreventthatchange,Whenthoumiirht'stwinalltothyselfagain,Byforfeitureofme!Didthosefondv.
1August,nepotietM.VapsaniiAsn-ippa?filioexJulia.1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.85,Dio.Lib.Iviii.
Flyswifterfromthylips,thanthismybrain,
Thissparklingforge,createdmeanarmour
T'encounterchanceandthee?Well,readmycharms,
Andmaytheylaythatholduponthysenses,
Asthouhadstsnuftuphemlock,orta'endown
Thejuiceofpoppyandofmandrakes.Sleep,
VoluptuousCaesar,andsecurity
Seizeonthystupidpowers,andleavethemdead
Topubliccares;awakebuttothylusts,
Thestrengthofwhichmakesthylibidinoussoul
ItchtoleaveRome!andIhavethrustiton;
Withblamingofthecitybusiness,
Themultitudeofsuits,theconfluence
Ofsuitors;thentheirimportunacies,
Themanifolddistractionshemustsuffer,
Besidesill-rumours,envies,andreproaches,
Allwhichaquietandretiredlife,
Lardedwitheaseandpleasure,1didavoid:
Andyetforanyweightyandgreataffair,
Thefittestplacetogivethesoundestcounsels.
BythisIshallremovehimbothfromthought
Andknowledgeofhisownmostdearaffairs;
Drawalldispatchesthroughmyprivatehands;
Knowhisdesignments,andpursuemineown;
Makemineownstrengthsbygivingsuitsandplaces,
Conferringdignitiesandoffices;
Andthesethathatemenow,wantingaccess
Tohim,willmaketheirenvynone,orless:
Forwhentheyseemearbiterofall,
Theymustobserve;orelse,withCaesarfall.[Exit.
SCENEIII.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterTIBERIUS.
Tib.TomarryLivia!willnoless,Sejanus,Contentthyaim?nolowerobject?well!Thouknow'sthowthouartwroughtintoourtrust;Woveninourdesign;andthink'stwemustNow
usethee,whatsoe'erthyprojectsare:'Tistrue.Butyetwithcautionandfitcare.And,nowwebetterthinkwho'stherewithin?
EnteranOfficer.
Off.Caesar!
Tib.Toleaveourjourneyoff,weresin'Gainstourdecreeddelights;andwouldappearDoubt;or,whatlessbecomesaprince,lowfear.Yetdoubthathlaw,andfearshavetheirexcuse.
1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.85.
Whereprinces'statespleadnecessaryuse;
Asoursdothnow:moreinSejanus'pride,
ThanallfellAgrippina'shatesbeside.
Thosearethedreadfulenemiesweraise
Withfavours,andmakedangerouswithpraise;
Theinjuredbyusmayhavewillalike,
But'tisthefavouritehaththepowertostrike;
Andfuryeverboilsmorehighandstrong,
Heatwithambition,thanrevengeofwrong.
'Tisthenapartofsupremeskill,tograce
Nomantoomuch;butholdacertainspace
Betweentheascender'srise,andthineownflat,
Lest,whenallroundsbereach'd,hisaimbethat.
'Tisthought.[Aside.]—IsMacrolinthepalace?see:
Ifnot,goseekhim,tocometous.[EritOffi.]—He
Mustbetheorganwemustworkbynow;
Thoughnonelessaptfortrust:needdothallow
Whatchoicewouldnot.Ihaveheardthataconite,
Beingtimelytaken,hathahealingmight
Againstthescorpion'sstroke:theproofwe'llgive:
That,whiletwopoisonswrestle,wemaylive.
Hehathaspirittooworkingtobeused
Buttotheencounterofhislike;excused
Arewisersov'reignsthen,thatraiseoneill
Againstanother,andbothsafelykill:
Theprincethatfeedsgreatnatures,theywillswayhim;
Whonourishethalionmustobeyhim.—
Re-enterOfficer,withMACRO.
Macro,wesentforyou.
Mac.Iheardso,Caesar.
Tib.Leaveusawhile.[ExitOfficer.]—Whenyoushallknow,
goodMacro,
Thecausesofoursending,andtheends,Youwillthenhearkennearer;andbepleas'dYoustandsohighbothinourchoiceandtrust.
Mac.ThehumblestplaceinCaesar'schoiceortrust,MaymakegladMacroproud;withoutambition,SavetodoCa-sarservice.
Tib.Leaveyourcourting?;.Weareinpurpose,Macro,2todepartThecityforatime,andseeCampania;Notforourpleasures,buttodedicateApairoftemples,onetoJupiterAtCapua;th'otherat3Xula,toAugustus:
1DeMacroneisto,vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.lii.p.718,etTacit.AnnLib.vi.p.109,etc.
Suet.Tib.c.4.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.711.1Suet.Tib.c.43.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.91.
Inwhichgreatwork,perhapsourstaywillbe
Beyondourwillproduced.Nowsinceweara
Notignorantwhatdangermaybeborn
Outofourshortestabsenceinastate
Sosubjectuntoenvy,andembroil'd
Withhateandfaction;wehavethoughtonthee,
AmongstafieldofRomans,worthiestMacro,
Tobeoureyeandear:tokeepstrictwatch
OnAgrippina,Nero,Drusus;ay,
AndonSejanus:notthatwedistrust
Hisloyalty,ordorepentonegrace
Ofallthatheapwehaveconferredonhim;
Forthatweretodisparageourelection,
Andcallthatjudgmentnowindoubt,whichthen
Seem'dasunquestion'dasanoracle—
But,greatnesshathhiscankers.Wormsandmoths
Breedoutoftoomuchhumour,inthethings
Whichaftertheyconsume,transferringquite
Thesubstanceoftheirmakersintothemselves.
Macroissharp,andapprehends:besides,
Iknowhimsubtle,close,wise,andwell-read
Inman,andhislargenature;hehathstudied
Affections,passions,knowstheirsprings,theirends,
Whichway,andwhethertheywillwork:'tisproof
Enoughofhisgreatmerit,thatwetrusthim.
Thentoapoint,becauseourconference
Cannotbelongwithoutsuspicion—
Here,Macro,weassignthee,bothtospy,
Inform,andchastise;think,andusethymeans,
Thyministers,what,where,onwhomthouwilt;
Explore,plot,practise:allthoudostinthis
Shallbe,asifthesenate,orthelaws
Hadgivenitprivilege,andthouthencestyled
ThesaviourbothofCnesarandofRome.
Wewillnottakethyanswerbutinact:
Whereto,asthouproceed'st,wehopetohear
Bytrustedmessengers.If'tbeinquired,
Whereforewecall'dyou,sayyouhaveincharge
Toseeourchariotsready,andourhorse.—
Bestillourlovedand,shortly,honour'dMacro.[Exit.
Mac.Iwillnotask,whyCaesarbidsdothis;Butjoythathebidsme.1ItistheblissOfcourtstobeemploy'd,nomatterhow;Aprince'spowermakesallhisactionsvirtue.We,whomheworksby,aredumbinstruments,Todo,butnotinquire:hisgreatintentsAretobeserved,notsearch'd.Yet,asthatbowIsmostinhand,whoseownerbestdothknow1DeMacroneetingenioejus,cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.pp.114,115.
Toaffecthisaims;soletthatstatesmanhope
Mostuse,mostprice,canhithisprince'sscope.
Xormusthelookatwhat,orwhomtostrike,
Butlooseatall;eachmarkbealike.
Wereittoplotagainstthefame,thelife
Ofone,withwhomItwinn'd;removeawife
Frommywarmside,aslovedasistheair;
Practiseawayeachparent;drawmineheir
Incompass,thoughbutone;workallmykin
Toswiftperdition;leavenountrain'dengine,
Forfriendship,orforinnocence;nay,make
Thegodsallguilty;Iwouldundertake
This,beingimposedme,bothwithgamandease:
Thewaytoriseistoobeyandplease.
Hethatwillthriveinstate,hemustneglect
Thetroddenpathsthattruthandrightrespect;
Andprovenew,wilderways:forvirtuethere
Isnotthatnarrowthing,sheiselsewhere;
Men'sfortunethereisvirtue;reasontheirwill;
Theirlicense,law;andtheirobservance,skill.
Occasionistheirfoil;conscience,theirstain;
Profittheirlustre;andwhatelseis,vain.
IfthenitbethelustofCaesar'spower,1
TohaveraisedSejanusup,andinanhour
O'erturnhim,tumblingdown,fromheightofall;
Wearehisreadyengine:andhisfall
Maybeourrise.Itisnouncouththing
Toseefreshbuildingsfromoldruinsspring.[Exit.
ACTIV
SCENEI.—AnApartmentinAGRIPPINA'SHouse.EnterGALLUSandAGRIPPINA.
Gal.Youmusthavepatience,2royalAgrippina.
Agy.Imusthavevengeance,first;andthatwerenectarUntomyfamish'dspirits.O,myfortune,Letitbesuddenthouprepar'stagainstme;StrikeallmypowersofunderstandingHind,Andignorantofdestinytocome!Letmenotfearthatcannothope.
Gal.Dearprincess,Thesetyranniesonyourself,arcworsethanCaesar's.
Agr.Isthisthehappinessof1icingborngreat?Stilltobeaim'dat?stilltobesuspected?
1VideDio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.718,etc.
2A-rippiiKisemperatrox,turnctpcnciil-ipropinquoaccensa.1Ann.Lib.iv.p.89.
Tolivethesubjectofalljealousies?Atleastthecolourmade,ifnotthegroundToeverypainteddanger?whowouldnotChooseoncetofall,thanthustohangforever?
Gal.Youmightbesafeifyouwould—
Agr.What,myGallus!BelewdSejamis'strumpet,orthebawdToC?esar'slusts,henowisgonetopractise?Notthesearesafe,wherenothingis.Yourself,Whilethusyoustandbutbyme,arenotsafe.WTasSiliussafe?orthegoodSosiasafe?Orwasmyniece,dearClaudiaPulchra,1safe,OrinnocentFurnius?theythatlatesthave(Bybeingmadeguilty)addedreputation2ToAfer'seloquence?0,foolishfriends,Couldnotsofreshexamplewarnyourloves,ButyoumustbuymyfavourswiththatlossUntoyourselves;andwhenyoumightperceiveThatCaesar'scauseofragingmustforsakehim,Beforehiswill!Away,goodGallus,leaveme.Heretobeseen,isdanger;tospeak,treason:Todomeleastobservance,iscall'dfaction.Youareunhappyinme,andIinall.Wherearemysons,NeroandDrusus?WeAretheybeshotat;letusfallapart;Notinourruins,sepulchreourfriends.Orshallwedosomeactionlikeoffence,Tomocktheirstudiesthatwouldmakeusfaulty,Andfrustratepracticebypreventingit?Thedanger'slike:forwhattheycancontrive,Theywillmakegood.Noinnocenceissafe,Whenpowercontests:norcantheytrespassmore,Whoseonlybeingwasallcrimebefore.
EnterNERO,DRUSUS,andCALIGULA.
Ner.YouhearSejanusiscomebackfromCaesar?
Gal.No.How?disgraced?
Dm.Moregracednowthanever.
Gal.Bywhatmischance?
Cal.AfortunelikeenoughOncetobebad.
Dm.Butturn'dtoogoodtoboth.
Gal.Whatwas't?
Ner.Tiberius3sittingathismeat,Inafarm-housetheycallSpelunca,4sited
1PulchraetFurniusdamnat.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.89.8Aferprimoribusoratorumadditus,divulgatoingenio,etc.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.89.
8Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.91.*PraitoriumSuet,appellat.Tib.c.39.
TVthesea-side,amongtheFunclanehills,
Withinanaturalcave;partofthegrot,
Abouttheentry,fell,andoverwhehn'd
Someofthewaiters;othersranaway:
OnlySejanuswithhisknees,hands,face,
O'erhangingCaesar,didopposehimself
Totheremainingruins,andwasfound
Inthatsolabouringposturebythesoldiers
Thatcametosuccourhim.Withwhichadventure,
Hehathsofix'dhimselfinCa?sar'strust,1
Asthundercannotmovehim,andiscome
WithalltheheightofCaesar'spraisetoRome.
Ayr.Andpower,toturnthoseruinsallonus;Andburywholeposteritiesbeneaththem.Njro,andDrusus,andCaligula,Yourplacesarethenext,andthereforemostIntheiroffence.Thinkonyourbirthandblood,Awakeyourspirits,meettheirviolence;'Tisprincelywhenatyrantdothoppose,AndisafortunesenttoexerciseYourvirtue,asthewinddothtrystrongtrees,Whobyvexationgrowmoresoundandfirm.Afteryourfather'sfall,anduncle'sfate,Whatcanyouhope,butallthechangeofstrokeThatforceorsleightcangive?thenstandupright;Andthoughyoudonotact,yetsuffernobly:Beworthyofmywomb,andtakestrongchear;Whatwedoknowwillcome,weshouldnotfear.[Ercunt.
SCENEII.—TheStreet.EnterMACRO.
Mac.Return'dsosoon!renew'dintrustandgrace!IsCaesarthensoweak,orhaththeplaceButwroughtthisalterationwiththeair;Andhe,onnextremove,willallrepair?Macro,thouartengaged:andwhatbeforeWaspublic;now,mustbethyprivate,more.ThewealofCajsar,fitnessdidimply;ButthineownfateconfersnecessityOnthyemployment;andthethoughtsbornnomv,tUntoourselves,moveswifteststill,anddeaiv.-L.Ifherecover,thouartlost;ya,allTheweightofpreparationtohisfallWillturnonthee,andcrushthre:thereforestrikeBeforehesettle,topreventthelikerponthyself.Hedothhisvantageknow,Thatmakesithome,andgivestheforemostblow.[Exit.
1Pracbuitqueipsimateriemcuramicito;coustauti,uqueScjanifideret.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.91.
SCENETIT.—AnupperRoomofAGRTPPTNA'SHouse.EnterLATIAEIS,Rcrus,andOPSIUS.
Lai.Itisaservice*lordSejanuswillSeewellrequited,andacceptofnobly.Hereplaceyourselfbetweentheroofandceiling;AndwhenIbringhimtohiswordsofdanger,Reveal}Tourselves,andtakehim.
Ruf.Ishecome?
Lat.I'llnowgofetchhim.[Exit.
Ops.Withgoodspeed.—IlongTomeritfromthestateinsuchanaction.
Ruf.Ihope,itwillobtaintheconsulshipForoneofus.
Ops.Wecannotthinkofless,TobringinonesodangerousasSabinus.
huf.HewasafollowerofGermanicus,AndstillisanobserverofhiswifeAndchildren,2thoughtheybedeclinedingraceAdailyvisitant,keepsthemcompanyInprivateandinpublic,andisnotedTobetheonlyclientofthehouse:PrayJove,hewillbefreetoLatiaris.
Ops.He'salliedtohim,anddothtrusthimwell.
Ruf.Andhe'llrequitehistrust!
Ops.TodoanofficeSogratefultothestate,IknownomanButwouldstrainnearerbands,thankindred—
Ruf.List!Ihearthemcome.
Ops.Shifttoourholes3withsilenc[Theyretire.
Re-enterLATIAKISandSABINUS.
Lat.ItisanobleconstancyyoushewTothisafflictedhouse;thatnotlikeothers,Thefriendsofseason,youdofollowfortune,And,inthewinteroftheirfate,forsakeTheplacewhoseglorieswarrn'dyou.Youarejust,Andworthysuchaprincelypatron'slove,Aswastheworld'srenown'dGermanicus:WhoseamplemeritwhenIcalltothought,Andseehiswifeandissue,objectsmadeTosomuchenvy,jealousy,andhate;
1Sabinumaggrediunturcupidineconsulatus,adquernnonnisiperSejanumaditus,nequeSejanivoluntasnisiscelerequsrebatur.Tacit.Lib.iv.p.94.Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.711.
*Eoqueapudbonoslaudatns,etgravisiniquis.Tacit.Lib.iv.p.94.
3Haudminusturpilatebraquamdetestandafraude,seseabstrudunt;foraminibusetriniisauremadmovent.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.c.69.
Itmake?mereadytoaccusethegodsOfnegligence,asmenoftyranny.
Sab.Theymustbepatient,somustwo.
Lai.OJove,
Whatwillbecomeofusorofthetimes,When,tobehighornoble,aremadecrimes,Whenlandandtreasurearemostdangerous
Sab.Nay,whenourtable,yeaourbed,1assaultsOurpeaceandsafety1whenourwritings
are,Byanyenviousinstruments,thatdareApplythemtotheguilty,madetospeakWhattheywillhavetofittheirtyrannouswreak?Whenignoranceisscarcelyinnocence;Andknowledgemadeacapitaloffence?Whennotsomuch,butthebareemptyshadeOflibertyisreftus;andwemadeThepreytogreedyvulturesandvilespies,Thatfirsttransfixuswiththeirmurderingeyes.
Lai.MethinksthegeniusoftheRomanraceShouldnotbesoextinct,butthatbrightflameOflibertymightberevivedagain,(Whichnogoodmanbutwithhislifeshouldlose)Andwenotsitlikespentandpatientfools,Stillpuffinginthedarkatonepoorcoal,Heldonbyhopetillthelastsparkisout.Thecauseispublic,andthehonour,name,Theimmortalityofeverysoul,ThatisnotbastardoraslaveinRome,Thereinconcern'd:whereto,ifmenwouldchangeTheweariedarm,andfortheweightyshieldSolongsustain'd,employthefacilesword,Wemightsoonhaveassuranceofourvows.Thisass'sfortitudedothtireusall:ItmustbeactivevalourmustredeemOurloss,ornone.TherockandourhardsteelShouldmeettoenforcethosegloriousfiresagain,Whosesplendourcheer'dtheworld,andheatgavelife,Nolessthandoththesun's.
Sab.'TwerebetterstayInlastingdarkness,anddespairofday.NoillshouldforcethesubjectundertakeAgainstthesovereign,morethanhellsluMiMmakeThegodsdowrong.AgoodmanshouldandmustSitratherdownwithloss,thanriseunjust.Though,whentheRomansfirstdidyieldthfrnselvesTooneman'spower,theydidnotmeantheirlives,Theirfortunesandtheirliberties,shouldbe
1Xenoxquidemsecura,cumux^r(NVronisivipilUs,s-tmnos,smpiriamatriLivia,atqueiliaSejanopatefac-ret.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.92.
Hisabsolutespoil,aspurchasedbythesword.
Lat.Whyweareworse,iftobeslaves,andbondToCaesar'sslavebesuch,theproudSejanus!Hethatisall,doesall,givesCaesarleaveTohidehisulcerousandanointedface,1WithhisbaldcrownatRhodes,2whileheherestalksUpontheheadsofRomans,andtheirprinces,Familiarlytoempire.
Sab.Nowyoutouch
Apointindeed,wiiereinheshewshisart,Aswellaspower.
Lat,Andvillainyinboth.DoyouobservewhereLivialodges?howDrususcamedead?whatmenhavebeencutoff?
Sab.Yes,thosearethingsremoved:Inearerlook'dIntohislaterpractice,wherehestandsDeclaredamasterinhismystery.First,ereTiberiuswent,hewroughthisfearTothinkthatAgrippinasoughthisdeath.Thenputthosedoubtsinher;sentheroftword,Undertheshowoffriendship,tobewareOfCaesar,forhelaidtopoison3her:Dravethemtofrowns,tomutualjealousies,Which,now,invisiblehatredareburstout.Since,hehathhadhishiredinstrumentsTowork4onNero,andtoheavehimup;TotellhimCaesar'sold,thatallthepeople,Yea,allthearmyhavetheireyesonhim;ThatbothdolongtohavehimundertakeSomethingofworth,togivetheworldahope;Bidshimtocourttheirgrace:theeasyyouth
Perhapsgivesear,whichstraighthewritestoCaesar;Andwiththiscomment:Seeyondangerousboy;Notebutthepracticeofthemother,there;She'styinghimforpurposesathand,Withmenofsword.Here'sCaesarputinfright'Gainstsonandmother.Yet,heleavesnotthus.Thesecondbrother,Drusus,afiercenature,Andfitterforhissnares,becauseambitiousAndfullofenvy,him5neclaspsandhugs,Poisonswithpraise,tellshimwhatheartshewears,Howbrighthestandsinpopularexpectance;ThatRomedothsufferwithhiminthewrongHismotherdoeshim,bypreferringNero:
1Faciesulcerosaacplerumquemedicaminibusinterstincta.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.91.
Tacit,ibid.EtRhodisecreto,vitareccetus,reconderevoluptatesinsuerat.
JTacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.90.*Tacit.Lib.eod.pp.91,92.
5Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.pp.91,92.
Thusgetshethemasunder,each'gainstother,Projectsthecoursethatserveshimtocondemn,Keepsinopinionofafriendtoall,Andalldrivesontoruin.
Lai.Caesarsleeps,Andnodsatthis.
Sab.Wouldhemiehteversleep,Bogg'dinhisfilthylusts![OpsiusandRufusrushin.
Ops.TreasontoCaesar!
Ruf.Layhandsuponthetraitor,Latiaris,Ortakethenamethyself.
Lot.IamforCsesar.
Sab.AmIthencatch'd?
Rttf.Howthinkyou,sir?youare.
Sab.Spiesofthishead,sowhite,sofullofyears!Well,mymostreverendmonsters,youmayliveToseeyourselvesthussnared.
Ops.Awaywithhim!
Lai.Halehimaway.
Ruf.Tobeaspyfortraitors,Ishonourablevigilance.
Sab.Youdowell,1
Mymostofficiousinstrumentsofstate;Menofalluses:dragmehence,away.Theyeariswellbegun,andIfallfitTobeanofferingtoSejanus.Go!
Ops.Coverhimwithhisgarments,hidehisfare.
Sab.Itshallnotneed.Forbearyourrudeassault.Thefault'snotshameful,villainymakesafault.[Exeunt.
SCENEl\.—TheStreetbeforeAGRIPPINA'SHowe.EnterMACROandCALIGULA.
Mac.Sir,butobservehowthickyourdanger?meetInhiscleardrifts!yourmotherandyourbrotheis,-Nowcitedtothesenate;theirfriendGallus,3Feastedto-daybyCa?sar,sincecommitted1Sabinusherewemet,hurriedtofetters:Thesenatorsallstrookwithfearandsilence,Savethosewhosehopesdependnotongoodmeans,Butforcetheirprivatepreyfrompublicspoil.Andyoumustknow,ifhereyoustay,yourstateIssuretobethesubjectofhishate,Asnowtheobject.
Cdl.Whatwouldyouadviseme?
Mac.TogoforCapreoepresently;andthere
1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.pp.94,95.*Tacit.Ann.Lib.v.p.o^.
1A?iniumGal.eodemdieetconvivamTiberiifuisseeteosubornantedamuatumnarratDio.Lib.Iviii.p.713.
Giveupyourselfentirelytoyouruncle.TellCaesar(sinceyourlmotherisaccusedToflyforsuccourstoAugustus'statue,Andtothearmywithyourbrethren)youHaveratherchosetoplaceyouraidsinhim,Thanlivesuspected;orinhourlyfearTobethrustout,byboldSejanus'plots:Which,youshallconfidentlyurgetobeMostfullofperiltothestate,andCsesar,Asbeinglaidtohispeculiarends,Andnottobeletrunwithcommonsafety.Allwhich,uponthesecond,I'llmakeplain,SobothshallloveandtrustwithCaesargain.
Cat.Awaythen,let'sprepareusforourjourney.[Exeunt,
SCENEV.—AnotherpartoftheStreet.EnterARRUNTIUS.
Arr.Stilldostthousuffer,heaven!willnoflame,Xoheatofsin,makethyjustwrathtoboilInthydistemper'dbosom,ando'erflowThepitchyblazesofimpiety,
Kindledbeneaththythrone!Stillcanstthousleep,Patient,whilevicedothmakeanantickfaceAtthydreadpower,andblowdustandsmokeIntothynostrils!Jove!willnothingwakethee?MustvileSejanuspulltheebythebeard,Erethouwiltopenthyblack-liddedeye,Andlookhimdead?Well!snoreon,dreaminggods,Andletthislastofthatproudgiant-raceHeavemountainuponmountain,'gainstyourstate—Begooduntome,Fortuneandyoupowers,WhomI,expostulating,haveprofaned;Iseewhat'sequalwithaprodigy,Agreat,anobleRoman,andanhonest,Liveanoldman!—
EnterLEPIDTJS.
OMarcusLepidus,2
Whenisourturntobleed?ThyselfandI,Withoutourboast,arealmostailthefewLefttobehonestintheseimpioustimes.
Lep.Whatwearelefttobe,wewillbe,Lucius;Thoughtyrannydidstareaswideasdeath,
1Vid.Tacit.Lib.v.p.94.Suet.Tib.c.53.
DeLepidoistovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.6.Lib.iii.pp.60,65,etLib.iv.Vp.81.
Tofrightusfromit.
Arr.'ThathsoonSabinus.
Lep.IsawhimnowdrawnfromtheOemonies,1And,whatincreasedthedirenessofthefact,Hisfaithfuldog,2upbraidingallusRomans,Neverforsookthecorps,but,seeingitthrownIntothestream,leap'din,anddrown'dwithit.
Arr.Oact,tobeenviedhimofusmen!Wearethenextthehooklaysholdon,Marcus:Whatarethyarts,goodpatriot,teachthemme,Thathavepreservedthyhairstothiswhitedye,AndkeptsoreverendandsodearaheadSafeonhiscomelyshoulders?
Lep.Arts,Arruntius!
None,3buttheplainandpassivefortitude,Tosufferandbesilent;neverstretchThesearmsagainstthetorrent;liveathome,Withmyownthoughts,andinnocenceaboutme,Nottemptingthewolves'jaws:thesearemyarts.
Arr.Iwouldbegintostudy'em,ifIthoughtTheywouldsecureme.MayIpraytoJoveInsecretandbesafe?ay,oraloud,Withopenwishes,soIdonotmentionTiberiusorSejanus?yes,Imust,IfIspeakout.'Tishardthat.MayIthink,Andnotberack'd?Whatdangeris'ttodream,Talkinone'ssleep,orcough?Whoknowsthelaw?MayIshakemyheadwithoutacomment?sayItrains,oritholdsup,andnotbethrownUpontheGemonies?Thesenowarethings,Whereonmen'sfortune,yea,theirfaithdepends.Nothinghathprivilege'gainsttheviolentear.Noplace,noday,nohour,wesee,isfree,Notourreligiousandmostsacredtimes,Fromsomeonekindofcruelty:allmatterNay,alloccasionpleaseth.Madmen'srage,Theidlenessofdrunkards,women'snothing,Jester'ssimplicity,all,allisgoodThatcanbecatchtat.NorisnowtheeventOfanyperson,orforanycrime,Tobeexpected;for'tisalwayson^:Death,withsomelittledifferenceofplace,Ortime—-What'sthis?PrinceXero,guarded!
1ScalaeGemoniaefueruntinAventino,propetemplmnJunonisaCamillocaptisyeiisdicaturn;aplanctuetgrniitudictasvultRhodig.Inquascontumdiaecausacadav.-ra]>r<>|Vcta;aliquandoacarnificeuncotrahebantur.Vid.Tac.Su<-t.Di'>.SCM-T.Juvu.il.
1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.712.l.tLicit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.9^.
'Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.80.
EnterLACOlandNERO,withGuards.
Lac.On,lictors,keepyourway.Mylords,forbear.OnpainofCaesar'swrath,nomanattemptSpeechwiththeprisoner.
Nero.Noblefriends,besafe;
Toloseyourselvesforwords,wereasvainhazard,Asuntomesmallcomfort:fareyouwell.WouldallRome'ssufferingsinmyfatediddwell!
Lac.Lictors,away.
Lep.Wheregoeshe,Laco?
Lac.Sir,He'sbanish'dintoPontia2bythesenate.
Arr.DoIsee,hear,andfeel?MayItrustsense,Ordothmyphant'sieformit?
Lep.WThere'shisbrother?
Lac.Drusus3isprisonerinthepalace.
Arr.Ha!Ismellitnow:'tisrank.Where'sAgrippina?
Lac.TheprincessisconfinedtoPandataria.4
Arr.Bolts,Vulcan;boltsforJove!Phoebus,thybow;SternMars,thysword:and,blue-ey'dmaid,thyspear;Thyclub,Alcides:allthearmouryOfheavenistoolittle!—Ha!—toguardThegods,Imeant.Fine,raredispatch!thissameWasswiftlyborn!Confined,imprison'd,banish'd?Mosttripartite!thecause,sir?
Lac.Treason.
Arr.O!
Thecomplement5ofallaccusings!thatWillhit,whenallelsefails.
Lep.Thisturnisstrange!Butyesterdaythepeoplewouldnothear,Farlessobjected,butcried6Caesar'slettersWerefalseandforged;thatalltheseplotsweremalice;Andthattheruinoftheprince'shouseWaspractised'gainsthisknowledge.WherearenowTheirvoices,now,thattheybeholdhisheirsLock'dup,disgraced,ledintoexile?
Arr.Hush'd,
Drown'dintheirbellies.WildSejanus'breathHath,likeawhirlwind,scatter'dthatpoordust,Withthisrudeblast.—We'lltalknotreason,sir,[TurnstoLacoIfthatbeityoustandfor.Fareyouwell.andtherest.
Wehavenoneedofhorse-leeches.Goodspy,Nowyouarespied,begone.[ExeuntLaco,Nero,andGuards.
1DeLacon.vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.
*Suet.Tib.c.54.3Suetibid.«Suet.ibid.
•Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.62.6Tacit.Lib.v.p.98.
Lep.Ifearyouwronghim:HehasthevoicetobeanhonestRoman.
Arr.Andtrustedtothisoffice!Lepidus,I'dsoonertrustGreekSinon,thanamanOurstateemploys.He'sgone:andbeinggone,Idaretellyou,whomIdarebettertrust,Thatournight-eyedTiberiusldothnotseeHisminion'sdrifts;or,ifhedo,he'snotSoarrantsubtile,aswefoolsdotakehim;Tobreedamungrelup,inhisownhouse,Withhisownblood,and,ifthegoodgodsplease,Athisownthroat,fleshhim,totakealeap.Idonotbegit,heaven;butifthefatesGrantittheseeyes,theymustnotwink.
Lep.TheymustNotseeit,Lucius.
Arr.Whoshouldletthem?
Lep.7eal,Andduty:withthethoughtheisourprince.
Arr.Heisourmonster:forfeitedtoviceSofar,asnorack'dvirtuecanredeemhim.Hisloathedperson2foulerthanallcrimes:Anemperor,onlyinhislusts.Retired,Fromallregardofhisownfame,orRome's,Intoanobscureisland;3wherehelivesActinghistragedieswithacomicface,AmidsthisrouteofChaldees:4spendinghours,Days,weeks,andmonths,intheunkindabuseOfgraveastrology,tothebaneofmen,Castingthescopeofmen'snativities,Andhavingfoundaughtworthyintheirfortune,Kill,orprecipitatetheminthesea,Andboast,hecanmockfate.Nay,musenot:thesoArefarfromendsofevil,scarcedegrees.Hehathhisslaughter-houseatCapreae;Wherehedothstudymurder,asanart;Andtheyaredearestinhisgrace,thatcanDevisethedeepesttortures.Thither,too,Hehathhisboys,andbeauteousgirlsta'enupOutofournoblesthouses,thebestform'd.Bestnurtured,andmostmodest;what'stheirjjo-vl.Servestoprovokehisbad.Someareallured,5Somethreaten'd;others,bytheirfriendsdetained,
1TiberiusinU-nebrisvideret;testibusDio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviip.,:litPlin.Nat.Hist.Lib.ii.c.37.
1Cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.91.(Juv.Sat.4.)
'Vid.Sm-t.Tib.desecessuCaprnisi,c.43.Dio.p.715.Jnv.Sat.10.
•Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.p.106.Din.Ruin.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.;o(>.Suet.Tibc.62,etc.,44.
1Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.p.100.Suet.Tib.c.43.
Areravish'dhence,likecaptives,and,insight
Oftheirmostgrievedparents,dealtaway
Untohisspintries,sellaries,andslaves,
Mastersofstrangeandnewcommentedlusts,
Forwhichwisenaturehathnotleftaname.
Tothis(whatmoststrikesus,andbleedingRome)
Heis,withallhiscraft,becomeltheward
Tohisownvassal,astalecatamite:
Whomhe,uponourlowandsufferingnecks,
Hathraisedfromexcrementtosidethegods,
AndhavehispropersacrificeinRome:
WhichJovebeholds,andyetwillsoonerrive
Asenselessoakwiththunderthanhistrunk!—
Re-enterLACO,2withPOMPONIUSandMINUTIUS.
Lac.Theseletters3makemendoubtfulwhatt'expect,Whetherhiscoming,orhisdeath.
Pom.Troth,both:Andwhichcomessoonest,thankthegodsfor.
Arr.List!TheirtalkisCassar;Iwouldhearallvoices.
[Arrunt.andLepidusstandaside.
31in.Oneday,4he'swell;andwillreturntoRome;Thenextday,sick;andknowsnotwhentohopeit.
Lac.True;andto-day,oneofSejanus'friendsHonour'dbyspecialwrit;andonthemorrowAnotherpunish'd—
Pom.Bymorespecialwrit.
Min.Thisman5receiveshispraisesofSejanus,Asecondbutslightmention,athirdnone,Afourthrebukes:andthusheleavesthesenateDividedandsuspended,alluncertain.
Lac.Theseforkedtricks,Iunderstandthemnot:Wouldhewouldtelluswhomhelovesorhates,Thatwemightfollow,withoutfearordoubt.
Arr.GoodHeliotrope!Isthisyourhonestman?Lethimbeyourssostill;heismyknave.
Pom.Icannottell,Sejanusstillgoeson,Andmounts,wesee;6newstatuesareadvanced,Freshleavesoftitles,largeinscriptionsread,Hisfortuneswornby,7himselfnewgoneoutCaesar's8colleagueinthefifthconsulship;
1Leg.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.714.
*DePomponioetMinutiovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.8Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.716.
4Dio.ibid.*Dio.ibid.
•Leg.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.96.
7AdulationispleniomnesejusFortunamjurabant.Dio.Kist.RoraLin.Iviii.p.714.
8Dio.p.714.Suet.Tib.c.6^.
Morealtarssmoketohimthanallthegods:Whatwouldwemore?
Arr.Thatthedearsmokewouldchokehim,ThatwouldImore.
Lep.Peace,goodArruntius.
Lai.Butthereareletterslcome,theysay,ev'nnow,Whichdoforbidthatlast.
Min.Doyouhearso?
Lac.Yes.
Pom.ByCastor,that'stheworst.
Arr.ByPollux,best.
Min.Ididnotlikethesign,whenRegulus,2WhomallweknownofrienduntoSejanus,Did,byTiberius'soprecisecommand,Succeedafellowintheconsulship:Itbodedsomewhat.
Pom.Xotamote.Hispartner,3FulciniusTrio,ishisown,andsure.—HereconiesTerentius.
EnterTEREXTIUS.
Hecangiveusmort>.
[TheywhisperwithTerentius.Lep.I'llne'erbelieve,butCaesarhathsomescentOfboldSejanus'footing.4ThesecrosspointsOfvaryingletters,andopposingconsuls,Minglinghishonoursandhispunishments,Feigningnowill,nowwell,5raisingSejanus,Andthen
depressinghim,asnowoflateInallreportswehaveit,cannotbeEmptyofpractice:'tisTiberius'art.Forhavingfoundhisfavouritegrowntoogreat,Andwithhisgreatness6strong;thatallthesoldiersAre,withtheirleaders,madeahisdevotion;Thatalmostallthesenatearehiscreatures,Orholdonhimtheirmaindependencies,Eitherforbenefit,orhope,orfear;Andthathimselfhathlostmuchofhisown,Bypartinguntohim;and,byth'incrc;iOfhisranklustsandrages,quiteclisanu'dHimselfoflove,orcitherpublicmeans,Todareanopencontestation;Hissubtiltyhathchosethisdoublinglinn,Toholdhimevenin:notsotofearhim.Aswhollyputhimout,andyet<_rivech'-ekUntohisfartherboldness.Inmeantime,Byhisemployments,makeshimodious
1Dio.Lib.Ivi-i.p.718.a]>••]<•ns.Dio.ibid.»Die.ibid.
*Suet.Tib.c.65.'Dio.p.75•Dio.p.714.
Untothestaggeringrout,whoseaid,infine,Hehopestouse,assure,who,whentheysway,Beardown,o'erturnallobjectsintheirway.
Arr.YoumaybeaLynceus,Lepidus:yetISeenosuchcause,butthatapolitictyrant,Whocansowelldisguiseit,shouldhaveta'enAnearerway:feign'dhonest,andcomehomeTocuthisthroat,bylaw.
Lep.Ay,buthisfearWouldne'erbemask'd,allbehisviceswere/
Pom.Hislordshipthenisstillingrace?
Ter.Assureyou,Neverinmore,eitherofgraceorpower.
Pom.Thegodsarewiseandjust.
Arr.Thefiendstheyare,Tosuffertheebelie'em.
Ter.Ihavehere
Hislastandpresentletters,wherehewriteshim,Thepartnerofhiscares,andhisSejanus.—
Lac.Butisthattrue,1itisprohibitedTosacrificeuntohim?
Ter.Somesuchthing
Csesarmakesscrupleof,butforbidsitnot;Nomorethantohimself:sayshecouldwishItwereforborntoall.
Lac.Isitnoother?
Ter.Noother,onmytrust.Foryourmoresurety,Hereisthatlettertoo.
Arr.Howeasily
Dowretchedmenbelieve,whattheywouldhave!Looksthislikeplot?
Lep.NobleArruntius,stay.
Lac.Henameshimhere2withouthistitles.
Lep.Note!
Arr.Yes,andcomeoffyournotablefool.Iwill.
Lac.NootherthanSejanus.
Pom.That'sbuthasteInhimthatwrites:herehegiveslargeamends.
Mar.AndwithhisownhandwrLten?
Pom.Yes.
Lac.Indeed?
Ter.Believeit,gentlemen,Sejanus'breastNeverreceivedmorefullcontentmentsin,Thanatthispresent.
Pom.Takeshewell3theescapeOfyoungCaligula,withMacro?
Ter.Faith,
Atthefirstairitsomewhattroubledhim.1Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.718.aDio.ibid.*Dio.p.717.
Lcp.Observeyou?
Arr.Nothing;riddles.TillTseeSejanusstruck,nosoundthereofstrikesme.
[ExeuntArrun.andLepiJus.
Pom.Ilikeitnot.ImnsehewouldnotattemptSomewhatagainsthimintheconsulship,1Seeingthepeople'gintofavourhim.
Ter.Hedothrepentitnow;buthehasemploy'dPagonianusafterhim:2andheholdsThatcorrespondencethere,withallthatareNearaboutCsesar,asnothoughtcanpassWithouthisknowledge,thenceinacttofronthim.
Pom.Igratulatethenews.
Lac.ButhowcomesMacroSointrustandfavourwithCaligula?
Pom.0,sir,hehasawife;3andtheyoungprinceAnappetite:hecanlookup,andspyFliesintheroof,whentherearefleasi'thebed;Andhathalearnednosetoassurehissleeps.Whotobefavour'doftherisingsun,Wouldnotlendlittleofhiswaningmoon?Itisthesaf'stambition.NobleTerentius!
Ter.Thenightgrowsfastuponus.Atyourservice.[Exeunt.
ACTV
SCENEI.—AnApartmentinSEJANUS'House.EnterSEJANUS.
Sej.Swell,swell,myjoys;andfaintnottodeclareYourselvesasampleasyourcausesare.Ididnotlivetillnow;thismyiirsthour;WhereinIseemythoughtsreach'dbymypower.Butthis,andgripemywishes.4Greatandhigh,Theworldknowsonlytwo,that'sRomeandI.Myroofreceivesmenot;'tisairItread;And,ateachstep,IfeelmyadvancedheadKnockoutastarinheaven!rear'dtothisheight,Allmydesiresseemmodest,poor,andslight,Thatdidbeforesoundimpudent:'tisplace,Notblood,discernsthenobleandthebase.IstherenotsomethingmorethantobeCa>sar?Mustwerestthere?itirkst'havecomesufar,Tobesonearastay.Caligula,
1Die.p.717.
*DePagoniano,vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.p.101.alibiPaconiano.8Tacit,cons.Ann.Lib.vi.p.114.
4DefastuSejanileg.Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.715,etTacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.96.
Wouldthoustood'ststiff,andmanyinourway!Windslosetheirstrength,whentheydoemptyfly,Unmetofwoodsorbuildings;greatfiresdie,Thatwanttheirmattertowithstandthem:so,Itisourgrief,andwillbeourloss,toknowOurpowershallwantopposites;unlessThegods,bymixinginthecause,wouldblessOurfortunewiththeirconquest.ThatwereworthSejanus'strife;durstfatesbutbringitforth.
EnterTERENTIUS.
Ter.SafetytogreatSejanus!
Sej.Now,Terentius?
Ter.Hearsnotmylordthewonder?
Sej.Speakit,no.
Ter.Imeetitviolentinthepeople'smouths,WhoruninroutstoPompey'stheatre,Toviewyourstatue,1which,theysay,sendsforthAsmoke,asfromafurnace,blackanddreadful.
Sej.Sometraitorhathputfirein:you,gosee,Andlettheheadbetakenoff,tolookWhat'tis.[ExitTerentius.]—Someslavehathpractisedan
imposture,Tostirthepeople.—Hownow!whyreturnyou?
Re-enterTERENTIUS,withSATRIUSandNATTA.
Sat.Thehead,2mylord,alreadyista'enoff,Isawit;and,atopening,thereleaptoutAgreat
andmonstrousserpent.
Sej.Monstrous!why?
Haditabeard,andhorns?noheart?atongueForkedasflattery?look'ditofthehue,Tosuchasliveingreatmen'sbosoms?wa3ThespiritofitMacro's?
Nat.Mayitplease
ThemostdivineSejanus,inmydays,(Andbyhissacredfortune,Iaffirmit,)Ihavenotseenamoreextended,grown,Foul,spotted,venomous,ugly—
Sej.0,thefates!
Whatawildmuster'shereofattributes,T'expressaworm,asnake!
Ter.ButhowthatshouldComethere,mylord!
Sej.What,andyoutoo,Terentius!Tthinkyoumeantomake'taprodigyinyourreporting.
Ter.CanthewiseSejanus1Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.717.*Dio.ibid.
Thinkheavenhathmeantitless?
>•/.0,superstition!
Why,thenthefallinglofourbed,thatbrakeThismorning,burden'dwiththepopulousweight,Ofourexpectingclients,tosaluteus;Orrunning2ofthecatbetwixtourlegs,AswesetforthuntotheCapitol,Wereprodigies.
Ter.Ithinkthemominous;
Andwouldtheyhadnothappened!As,to-day,Thefateofsome3yourservants:who,decliningTheirway,notable,forthethrong,tofollow,SliptdowntheGemonies,andbraketheirnecks!Besides,intakingyourlastaugury,4Noprosperousbirdappear'd;butcroakingravensFlagg'dupanddown,andfromthesacrificeFlewtotheprison,wheretheysatallnight,Beatingtheairwiththeirobstreperousbeaks!Idarenotcounsel,butIcouldentreat,ThatgreatSejanuswouldattemptthegodsOncemorewithsacrifice.
Sej.WhatexcellentfoolsReligionmakesofmen!BelievesTerentins,Iftheseweredangers,asIshametothinkthem,Thegodscouldchangethecertaincourseoffate?Or,iftheycouldtheywould,nowinamoment,Forabeeve'sfat,orless,bebribedtoinvertThoselongdecrees?Thenthinkthegods,likeflies,Aretobetakenwiththesteamofflesh,Orblood,diffusedabouttheiraltars:think'\heirpowerascheapasIesteemitsmall.—Ofallthethrongthatfillth'Olympianhall,And,withoutpity,ladepoorAtlas'back,Iknownotthatonedeity,butFortune,TowhomIwouldthrowup,inbeggingsmoko,Onegrainofincense;5orwhoseearI'dbuyWiththusmuchoil.HerI,indeed,adore;Andkeephergratefulimage6inmyhouse,SometimebelongingtoaRomanking.Butnowcairdmine,asbythebetterstyle:ToherIcarenot,if,forsatisfyingYourscrupulousphant'sies,Igooffer.Bi.lOurpriest
prepareushoney,i.alk,andpoppy,7
1Pio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.715.sI'i<xibH.p.716.
8Dio.ibid.4<
'.r.inituns.Plant.P.rnu.AI.5c.T.<•(OvidF..st.Lib.iv.1I'io.Hist.Rom.Lib.hiii.p.7'7-
7DesacrisFort.uno,-,vid.Lil.Ore.Gyr.^ynt.17.etStuch.lib.deSacrif.Gent.p.48.
Hismasculineodours,andnight-vestments:say,Ourritesareinstant;whichperform'd,you'llseeHowvain,andworthylaughter,yourfearsbe.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterCOTTAandPOMPONIUS.
Cot.Pomponius,whitherinsuchspeed?
Pom.IgoTogivemylordSejanusnotice—
Cot.What?
Pom.OfMacro.
Cot.Ishecome?
Pom.Enter'dbutnowThehouseofRegulus.1
Cot.Theoppositeconsul!
Pom.Somehalfhoursince.
Cot.Andbynighttoo!Stay,sir;I'llbearyoucompany.
Pom.Alongthen—[Exeunt.
SCENEIII.—ARoominREQULUS'SHouse.EnterMACRO,REGULUS,andAttendant.
Mac.'TisCaesar'swilltohaveafrequentsenate;Andthereforemustyouredict2laydeepmulctOnsuchasshallbeabsent.
Reg.Soitdoth.Bearitmyfellowconsultoadscribe.
Mac.Andtellhimitmustearlybeproclaim'd:TheplaceApollo'stemple.3[ExitAttendant.
Reg.That'sremember'd.
Mac.Andatwhathour?
Reg.Yes.
Mac.Youdoforget4Tosendonefortheprovostofthewatch.
Reg.Ihavenot:herehecomes.
EnterLACO.
Mac.GracinusLaco,
Youareafriendmostwelcome:byandby,I'llspeakwithyou.—YoumustprocurethisliztOfthepraetoriancohorts,withthenamesOfthecenturions,andtheirtribunes.
Reg.Ay.
1Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.718.
8Edictoutplurimumsenatoresincuriamvocatosconstat,exTacit.Ann.Lib.i.etLiv.Lib.ii.Fest.Pon.Lib.xv.vid.Bar.Briss.deform.Lib.i.etLipsSat.Menip.
*Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.718.*Dio.ibid.
Mac.Ibringyouletters,1andahealthfromCa?sar—
Lac.Sir,bothcomewell.
Mac.Andhearyou1withyournote,Whicharetheeminentmen,andmostofaction.
Reg.Thatshallbedoneyoutoo.
Mac.MostworthyLaco,
Caesarsalutesyou.[ExitRegulus.']—Consul!deathandfuries!Gonenow!—Theargumentwillpleaseyou,sir.Ho!Regulus!TheangerofthegodsFollowyourdiligentlegs,andovertake'em,Inlikenessofthegout!—
le-enterREGULUS.
0,mygoodlord,
Welack'dyoupresent;IwouldprayyousendAnothertoFulciniusTrio,straight,Totellhimyouwillcome,andspeakwithhim:Thematterwe'lldevise,tostayhimthere,WhileIwithLacodosurveythewatch.[ExitRegulus.
Whatareyourstrengths,Gracinus?
Lac.Sevencohorts.2
Mac.YouseewhatCresarwrites;and——Goneagain!H'hassureaveinofmercuryinhisfeet.—KnowyouwhatstoreofthepraetoriansoldiersSejanusholdsabouthim,forhisguard?
Lac.Icannotthejustnumber;but,Ithink,Threecenturies.
Mac.Three!good.
Lac.Atmostnotfour.
Mac.Andwhobethosecenturions?
Lac.ThattheconsulCanbestdeliveryou.
Mac.Whenhe'saway!Spiteonhisnimbleindustry—C.racinrs,Youfindwhatplaceyouhold,there,inthetrustOfroyalCsesar?
Lac.Ay,andIam—
Mac.Sir,
ThehonoursthereproposedarebutbeginningsOfhisgreatfavours.
Lac.Theyaremore—
Mac.IheardhimWhenhedidstudywhattoadd.
Lur.Mylife,
AndallIhold—
Mac.Youwerehisownfirstchoice:
1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.
1DPprefectoviyilumvid.Kos.Autit).K«.m.Lib.vii.etDio.Rom.Hist1ib.lv.
Whichdothconfirmasmuchasyoucanspeak;
Andwill,ifwesucceed,makemoreYourguards
Aresevencohorts,yousay?
Lac.Yes.
Mac.ThosewemustHoldstillinreadinesslandundischarged.
Lac.Iunderstandsomuch.Buthowitcan—
Mac.Bedonewithoutsuspicion,you'llobject?
Re-enterREGULUS.
Reg.What'sthat?
Lac.Thekeepingofthewatchinarms,Whenmorningcornes.
Mac.Thesenateshallbemet,andsetSoearlyinthetemple,asallmarkOfthatshallbeavoided.
Reg.Ifweneed,
Wehavecommissiontopossessthepalace,2EnlargeprinceDrusus,andmakehimourchief.
Mac.Thatsecretwouldhaveburnthisreverendmouth,Hadhenotspititoutnow:bythegods,
YoucarrythingstooLetmeborrowaman
Ortwo,tobeartheseThatoffreeingDrusus,
Caesarprojectedasthelastandutmost;Notelsetoberemember'd.
EnterServants.
Reg.Hereareservants.
Mac.ThesetoArruntius,thesetoLepidus;ThisbeartoGotta,thistoLatiaris.Iftheydemandyouofme,sayIhaveta'enFresh*horse,andamdeparted.[ExeuntServants
You,mylord,
Toyourcolleague,andbeyousuretoholdhimWithlongnarrationofthenewfreshfavours,MeanttoSejanus,hisgreatpatron;I,WithtrustedLaco,here,arefortheguards:Thentodivide.For,nighthathmanyeyes,Whereof,thoughmostdosleep,yetsomearespies.[Exeunt.
SCENEIV.—ASacellum(orChapel)inSEJANTTS'SHouse.
EnterPrsecones,3Flamen,4Tubicines,Tibicines,Ministri,
SEJANUS,TERENTIUS,SATRITJS,NATTA,etc.Prse.Beallprofanefarhence;£fly,flyfaroff:
1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.
2Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.p.107.etSuet.Tib.c.65.
8Prtecones,Flamen,hiomnibussacrificesinteressesolebant.Ant.Rom.Lib.iii.Stuch.deSac.p.72.
«Exiis,quiFlaminesCurialesdicerentur,vid.Lil.Greg.Gyr.bynt.17etOnu'p.Panvin.Rep.Rom.Comment.2.
*Morisantiquierat,Praeconespriecedere,etsacrisarcereprofanes.Cons.Briss.Ross.Stuch.Lil.Gyr.etc.
Beabsentfar;farhencebeallprofane!
[Tub.andTib.soundwhiletheFlamenwashethJFla.Wehavebeenfaulty,butrepentusnow,Andbringpurehands,purevestments,andpureminds.2
1Min.Purevessels.
2Min.Andpureofferings.
3Min.Garlandspure.
Fla.Bestowyourgarlands:3and,withreverence,placeTheyervinonthealtar.
Prce.Favouryourtongues.4
[Whiletheysoundagain,theFlamentakesofthehoneywithhisfinger,5andtastes,thenministerstoalltherest;soofthemilk,6inanearthenvessel,hedealsabout;whichdone,hesprinklethuponthealtar,milk;thenimposeththehoney,andkindlethhisgums,andaftercensingaboutthealtar,placethhiscenserthereon,intowhichtheyputseveralbranchesofpoppy,1andthemusicceasing,proceeds.
Fla.GreatmotherFortune^queenofhumanstate,Pectre-ssofaction,arbitressoffate,Towhomallsway,allpower,allempirebows,Bepresent,andpropitioustoourvowsfPrce.Favour9itwithyourtongues.Min.Bepresentandpropitioustoourvows!Omnes.Acceptouroffering10andbepleased,greatgoddess.Ter.See,see,theimagestirs!Sat.Andturnsaway!
1Observatumantiquisinvenimus,utquiremdivinarafacturuserat,lautus,acmandusaccederet,etadsuaslevandasculpas,seimprimisreumdiceresolitum,etnoxaepoenituisse.Lil.Gyr.Synt.17.
2Insacrispurasmanus,purasvestes,purarasa,etc.,antiquidesidera-bunt;utexVirg.Plaut.Tibul.Ovid,etc.,pluribuslocisconstat.
3Aliusritussertisarascoronare,etverbenasimponere.
4Hujusmodiverbissilentiumimperatumfuisseconstat.Vid.Sen.inlib.debeatavita.Serv.etDon.adeumversum,Lib.v.
Orefaveteomnes,etcingitetemperaramis.
•VocabaturhieritusLibatio.LegeRosin.Ant.Lib.iii.Bas.Brisson.deform.Lib.i.StuchiumdeSacrif.etLil.Synt.17.
8InsacrisFortunaelactenonvinolibabant.iisdemtost.Taliasacrificiadpivaetvr)<pd\iadicta.Hocestsobria,etvinocarentia.
7Hocreddereeratetlitare,idestpropitiare,etvotumimp^trare;secundumNoniumMarcvllmn.LitareenimMac.Lib.iii.c.5,explicit,sacrificiofactoplacarenumen.Inquost-ns.leg.apudPlaut.Scnec.Suet.etc.
8Hissolemnibuspra?fationibusinsacrisutebantur.
•Quibus,inclausvi,populusvelca-tusapra(•'milmsfavorejubobatur;idestbonaverbafari.Talisenimalterahujusfonn.rintrrpn-t.itioapudHriss.Lib.i.extat.Ovid.Lib.i.Fast.Linguisanimisqueia\.ic.Lt.Mct.au.Lib.xv.
piumque
praestantftimnt«',etvoccf.i\'-rcm.10Solemnisformulainluniscuivisnumim'is.
Nat.Fortune*avertsherface.
Fla.Avert,yougods,Theprodigy.Still!still,somepiousriteWehaveneglected.Yet,heavenbeappeased,Andbealltokensfalseandvoid,thatspeakThypresentwrath!
Sej.Bethoudumb,scrupulouspriest:Andgatherupthyself,withthesethywaresWhichI,inspiteofthyblindmistress,orThyjugglingmystery,religion,throwThusscornedontheearth.[Overturnsthestatueandthealtar.
Nay,holdthylookAvertedtillIwootheeturnagain;Andthoushaltstandtoallposterity,Theeternalgameandlaughter,withthyneckWrith'dtothytail,likearidiculouscat.Avoidthesefumes,thesesuperstitiouslights,Andallthesecozeningceremonies:you,Yourpureandspicedconscience!
[ExeuntallbutSejanus,Terent.,Satri.,andNatta.
I,theslave
Andmockoffools,scornonmyworthyhead1Thathavebeentitledandadoredagod,2Yea,3sacrificedunto,myself,inRome,NolessthanJove:andIbebroughttodoApeevishgiglot,rites!perhapsthethoughtAndshameofthat,madefortuneturnherface,Knowingherselfthelesserdeity,Andbutmyservant.—Bashfulqueen,ifso,Sejanusthanksthymodesty.—Who'sthat?
EnterPOMPONIUSandMiNUTrus.4
Pom.Hisfortunesuffers,tillhehearsmynews:Ihavewaitedheretoolong.Macro,mylord—
Sej.Speaklowerandwithdraw.[Takeshimaside.
Ter.Arethesethingstrue?
Min.Thousandsaregazingatitinthestreets.
Sej.What'sthat?
Ter.Minutiustellsushere,mylord,Thatanewheadbeingsetuponyourstatue,Arope5issincefoundwreath'daboutit!and,Butnow6afierymeteorintheformOfagreatballwasseentorollalong
1Leg.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.717.dehocsacrificio.
2Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.96.
3Dio.Lib.Iviii.p.716.
4DeMinutiovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.6Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.717.
6Vid.Senec.Nat.Quest.Lib.i.c.i.
Thetroubledair,whereyetithangsimperfect,Theamazingwonderofthemultitude!
>'i.Xomore.ThatMacro'scome,ismorethanall!
Ter.IsMacrocome?
Pom.Isawhim.
Ter.Where?withwhom?
Pom.WithRegulus.
Sej.Terentius!
Ter.Mylord.
Sej.Sendforthetribunes,1wewillstraighthaveupMoreofthesoldiersforourguard.[ExitTer.]Minutius,WeprayyougoforCotta,Latiaris,Trio,theconsul,orwhatsenators
Youknowaresure,andours.[ExitMin.]You,mygoodXatta,ForLaco,provostofthewatch.[ExitNat.]Now,Satrius,Thetimeofproofcomeson;armallourservants,Andwithouttumult.[ExitSat.]You,Pomponius,Holdsomegoodcorrespondencewiththeconsul:Attempthim,noblefriend.[ExitPomp.]ThesethingsbeginTolooklikedangers,now,worthymyfates.Fortune,Iseethyworst:letdoubtfulstates,Andthingsuncertain,hanguponthywill:Mesurestdeathshallrendercertainstill.Yet,whyisnowmythoughtturn'dtowarddeath,Whomfateshaveletgoon,sofarinbreath,Uncheck'dorunreproved?I,2thatdidhelpTofelltheloftycedaroftheworld,Germanicus;thatatonestrokecutdown3Drusus,thatuprightelm;wither'dhisvine;LaidSilius4andSabinus,5twostrongoaks,Flatontheearth;besidesthoseothershrubs,Cordus6andSosia,7ClaudiaPulchra,8FurniusandGallus,9whichIhavegrubb'dup;Andsince,havesetmyaxesostronganddeepIntotherootofspreadingAgrippina;10Loptoffandscatter'dherproudbranches,X'-ro,Drusus;andCains11too,althoughre-planted.Ifyouwill,Destinies,thatafterall,
Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.718.Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.23.
Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.pp.74,75.etDio.Lib.Ivii.p709.Tacit.Lib.iv.p.79.Ibid.p.94.
DeCremut.Cor.vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.710.Tacit.Ann.Libiv.p.83.
7DeSosia.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.94.
IDeClau.etFurnio.qu.TteTacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.SQ.
•DeGallo.Tacit.Lib.iv.p.95.t-tI>i>.Lib.Iviii.p.713.DeAgr.Ner.etI>ru.leg.Suet.'ILbcap.si.4.
IIDeCaio.cons.Dio.Lib.Iviii.p.
IfaintnowereItouchmyperiod,
Youarebutcruel;andIalreadyhavedone
Thingsgreatenough.AllRomehathbeenmyslave;
Thesenatesateanidlelookeron,
Andwitnessofmypower;whenIhaveblush'd
Moretocommandthanittosuffer:all
Thefathershavesatereadyandprepared,
Togivemeempire,temples,ortheirthroats,
WhenIwouldask'em;andwhatcrownsthetop,
Rome,senate,people,alltheworldhaveseen
Jove,butmyequal;Ceesar,butmysecond.
'Tisthenyourmalice,Fates,who,butyourown,
Envyandfeartohaveanypowerlongknown.[Exit.
SCENEV.—ARoominthesame.EnterTERENTIUSandTribunes.
Ter.Stayhere:I'llgivehislordship,youarecome.EnterMTNUTIUS,withGOTTAandLATTARIS.
Min.MarcusTerentius,'prayyoutellmylordHere'sCotta,andLatiaris.
Ter.Sir,Ishall.[Exit.
Cot.Myletteristheverysamewithyours;Onlyrequiresmetobepresentthere,Andgivemyvoicetostrengthenhisdesign.
Lai.Nameshenotwhatitis?
Cot.No,nortoyou.
Lat.'Tisstrangeandsingulardoubtful!
Cot.Soitis.ItmaybeallislefttolordSejanus.
EnterNATTAandGRACINUSLACO.
Nat.Gentlemen,where'smylord?Tri.Wewaithimhere.Cot.TheprovostLaco!what'sthenews?Lat.Mylord—
EnterSEJANUS.
Sej.Now,myrightdear,noble,andtrustedfriends,HowmuchIamacaptivetoyourkindness1MostworthyCotta,Latiaris,Laco,Yourvalianthand;and,gentlemen,yourloves.IwishIcoulddividemyselfuntoyou;Orthatitlaywithinournarrowpowers,Tosatisfyforsoenlargedbounty.Gracinus,wemustprayyou,holdyourguardsUnquitwhenmorningcomss.Sawyoutheconsul?
Min.Triowillpresentlybehere,mylord.
Cot.Theyarebutgivingorderfortheedict,1Towarnthesenate.
Sej.How1thesenate?
Lac.Yes.ThismorninginApollo'stemple.
Cot.WeArechargedbylettertobethere,mylord.
Se.j.Byletter!prayyou,let'ssee.
Lot.Knowsnothislordship?
Cot.Itseemsso!
Sej.Asenatewarn'd!withoutmyknowledgeIAndonthissudden!SenatorsbylettersRequiredtobethere!whobroughtthese?
Cot.Macro.
Sej.Mineenemy!2andwhen?
Cot.Thismidnight.
Sej.Time,
Witheveryothercircumstance,dothgiveIthathsomestrainofenginein't!—Hownow?
EnterSATBITJS.
Sat.Mylord,SertoriusMacroiswithout,Alone,andprayst'haveprivateconferenceInbusinessofhighnaturewithyourlordship,Hesaystome,andwhichregardsyoumuch.
Sej.Lethimcomehere.
Sal.Better,mylord,withdraw:YouwillbetraywhatstoreandstrengthoffriendsArenowaboutyou;whichhecomestospy.
Sej.Ishenotarm'd?
Sat.We'llsearchhim.
Sej.No;buttake,
Andleadhimtosomeroom,whereyouconcertI'dMaykeepaguarduponus.[ExitSal.]NobleLaco,Youareourtrust;andtillourowncohortsCanbebroughtup,yourstrengthsmustbeour<_r»mrd.Now,goodMinutius,honour'dLatiaris,\IIesalutesthemhumbly.Mostworthyandmymostunweariedfriends:Ireturninstantly.[Exit.
Lat.Mostworthylord.
Cot.Hislordshipisturn'dinstantkind,methinks;Ihavenotobserveditinhim,heretofore.
1Tri.'Tistrue,auditbecomeshimnobly.Min.I
Amwraptwithal.
2Tri.ByMars,hehasmylives,Weretheyamillion,forthisonlygrace.
Lac.Ay,andtonameaman!
1Vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.•Din.Lib.Iviii.p.71*.
Lai.Ashedidme!Min.Andme!
Lai.Whowouldnotspendhislifeandfortunes,Topurchasebutthelookofsuchalord?
Lac.Hethatwouldnorbelord'sfool,northeworld's.[Aside,
SCENEVI.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterSEJANUS,MACRO,andSATRIUS.
Sej.Macro!lmostwelcome,amostcovetedfriend!Letmeenjoymylongings.Whenarrivedyou?
Mac.Aboutthenoonofnight.2
Sej.Satrius,giveleave.[ExitSat.
Mac.Ihavebeen,sinceIcame,withboththeconsuls,OnaparticulardesignfromCaesar.
Sej.Howfaresitwithourgreatandroyalmaster?
Mac.Rightplentifullywell;as,withaprince,Thatstillholdsout3thegreatproportionOfhislargefavours,wherehisjudgmenthathMadeoncedivineelection:likethegodThatwantsnot,norisweariedtobestowWheremeritmeetshisbounty,asitdothInyou,alreadythemosthappy,andereThesunshallclimbthesouth,mosthighSejanus.Letnotmylordbeamused.For,tothisendWasIbyCaesarsentfortotheisle,Withspecialcautiontoconcealmyjourney;And,thence,hadmydispatchasprivatelyAgaintoRome;chargedtocomeherebynight;AndonlytotheconsulsmakenarrationOfhisgreatpurpose;thatthebenefitMightcomemorefull,andstriking,byhowmuchItwaslesslook'dfor,oraspiredbyyou,Orleastinformedtothecommonthought.
Sej.Whatmaybethis?partofmyself,dearMacro,Ifgood,speakout;andsharewithyourSejanus.
Mac.Ifbad,IshouldforeverloathmyselfTobethemessengertosogoodalord.IdoexceedmyinstructionstoacquaintYourlordshipwiththusmuch;but'tismyventuraOnyourretentivewisdom:andbecauseIwouldnojealousscrupleshouldmolestOrrackyourpeaceofthought.ForIassureMynoblelord,nosenatoryetknowsThebusinessmeant:thoughallbyseverallettersArewarnedtobethere,andgivetheirvoices,
1Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.78.
1Meridiesnoctis,Varr.Marcipor.vid.Non.Mar.cap.vi.
8Dio.Lib.Iviii.p.78.
OnlytoadduntothestateandgraceOfwhatispurposed.
Sej.Youtakepleasure,Macro,Likeacoywench,intorturingyourlover.Whatcanbeworththissuffering?
Mac.Thatwhichfollows,Thetribunitialdignityandpower:lBothwhichSejanusistohavethisdayConferr'duponhim,andbypublicsenate.
Sej.Fortunebemineagain1thouhastsatisfiedForthysuspectedloyalty.[Aside.
Mac.Mylord,
Ihavenolongertime,thedayapproacheth,AndImustbacktoCaesar.
Sej.Where'sCaligula?
Mac.ThatIforgottotellyourlordship.Why,HelingersyonderaboutCaprere,Disgraced;Tiberiushathnotseenhimyet:Heneedswouldthrusthimselftogowithme,Againstmy
wishorwill;butIhavequittedHisforwardtrouble,withastardynoteAsmyneglectorsilencecouldaffordhim.Yourlordshipcannotnowcommandmeaught,BecauseItakenoknowledgethatIsawyou;ButIshallboasttolivetoserveyourlordship:Andsotakeleave.
Sej.HonestandworthyMacro;Yourloveandfriendship.[ExitMacro.]--Who'sthere?
Satrius,
Attendmyhonourablefriendforth.—0!Howvainandvileapassionisthisfear,Whatbaseuncomelythingsitmakesmendo!Suspecttheirnoblestfriends,asIdidthis,Flatterpoorenemies,entreattheirservants,Stoop,court,andcatchatthebenevolenceOfcreatures,untowhom,withinthishour,Iwouldnothavevouchsafedaquarter-look,Orpieceofface!Byyouthatfoolscallgods,Hangalltheskywithyourprodigioussigns,Fillearthwithmonsters,dropthescorpiondmvn,Outofthezodiac,orthefiercerlion.Shakeofftheloosen'dglobefromherlonerhinge,I(i>11alltheworldindarkness,andletlon-rTheenragedwindstoturnupgroves;imltowns1WhenIdofearagain,letmebestruckWithforkedfire,andunpitieddie:Whofears,isworthyofcalamity.[Exit
1Dio.Lib.Iviii.p.78.vid.Suet,deoppress.Sejan.Tib.c.65.
SCENEVII.—AnotherRoominthe,
EnterTERENTITJS,MINUTIUS,LACO,COTTA,LATIARIS,andPOM-POXIUS;REGULUS,TRIO,andothers,ondifferentsides.
Pom.Isnotmylordhere?
Ter.Sir,hewillbestraight.
Cot.Whatnews,FulciniusTrio?
Tri.Good,goodtidings;Butkeepittoyourself.MylordSejanuaIstoreceivethisdayinopensenateThetribunitialdignity.
Cot.Is'ttrue?
Tri.Nowords,nottoyourthought:but,sir,believeit.
Lat.Whatsaystheconsul9
Cot.Speakitnotagain:Hetellsme,thatto-daymylordSejanus—
Tri.Imustentreatyou,Cotta,onyourhonourNottorevealit.
Cot.Onmylife,sir.
Lat.Say.
Cot.Istoreceivethetribunitialpower.But,asyouareanhonourableman,Letmeconjure
younottoutterit;Foritistrustedtomewiththatbond.
Lat.IamHarpocrates.
Ter.Canyouassureit?
Pom.Theconsultolditme,butkeepitclose.
Min.LordLatiaris,what'sthenews?
Lat.I'lltellyou;Butyoumustsweartokeepitsecret.
EnterSEJANTJS.
Sej.IknewtheFateshadontheirdistaffleftMoreofourthread,thanso.
Reg.Hail,greatSejanus!
Tri.Hail,themosthonour'd!*
Cot.Happy!
Lat.HighSejanus!
Sej.Doyoubringprodigiestoo?
Tri.Mayallpresage
Turntothosefaireffects,whereofwebringYourlordshipnews.
Reg.May'tpleasemylordwithdraw.
Sej.Yes:—Iwillspeakwithyouanon.[Tosomethatstand~by.
Ter.Mylord,Whatisyourpleasureforthetribunes?
Sej.Why,
1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.
Letthembethank'dandsentaway.
Min.Mylord—
Lac.Wiirtpleaseyourlordshiptocommandme—
Sej.No:Youaretroublesome.
Min.Themoodischanged.1
Tri.Notspeak,Norlook!
Lac.Ay,heiswise,willmakehimfriendsOfsuchwhoneverlove,butfortheirends.{Exeunt.
SCENEVIII.—ASpacebeforetheTempleofApollo.EnterARRUNTTUSandLEPIDUS,diversSenatorspassingbythem.
Arr.Ay,go,makehaste;takeheedyoubenotlastTotenderyourAllHail2inthewidehallOfhugeSejanus:runalictor'space:Staynottoputyourrobeson;butaway,WiththepaletroubledensignsofgreatfriendshipStamp'dinyourface!Now,MarcusLepidus,Youstillbelieveyourformeraugury!Sejanusmustgodownward!YouperceiveHiswaneapproachingfast!
Lep.Believeme,Lucius,Iwonderatthisrising.
Arr.Ay,andthatwe
Mustgiveoursuffragetoit.Youwillsay,Itistomakehisfallmoresteepandgrievous:Itmaybeso.Butthinkit,theythatcanWithidlewishes'saytobringbacktime:Incasesdesperate,allhopeiscrime.See,see!whattroopsofhisofficiousfriendsFlocktosalutemylord,andstartbeforeMygreatproudlord!togetalord-likenod!Attendmylorduntothesenate-house!Bringbackmylord!likeservileushers,makeWayformylord!proclaimhisidollordship.Morethantencriers,orsixnoiseoftruni]><-M-ikelf"_r^,kisshands,andtakeascatter'dhairFrommylord'seminentshoulder!
[Sanquvnius<n;>lf/'itrriux/"/.<•.<?overthestag?.
Sec,S,irn|iii;iiu.-5:1
Withhisslowbelly,andhisdropsy!1<><>k,Whattoilinghastehomakes!yethere'sanotherRetardedwiththegout,willbeaforehim,
1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.
2AVP.matutinavoxsalutautipropria,npudRomanes,vM.Driss.deform.Lib.viii.
sDeSanquiniovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.ctdcHatt-rio,i
GettheeLiburnianlporters,thougrossfool,
Tobearthyobsequiousfatness,likethypeers.
Theyaremet!thegoutreturns,andhisgreatcarriage.
[Lictors,Regulus,Trio,Sejanus,Satrius,andmanyotherSenators,passoverthestage.
Lict.Giveway,makeplace,roomfortheconsul!
San.Hail,Hail,greatSejanus!
Hat.Hail,myhonour'dlord!
Arr.Weshallbemark'danon,forournotHail.
Lep.Thatisalreadydone.
Arr.Itisanote
Ofupstartgreatness,toobserveandwatchForthesepoortrifles,whichthenoblernindNeglectsandscorns.
Lep.Ay,andtheythinkthemselvesDeeplydishonour'dwheretheyareomitted,Asiftheywerenecessitiesthathelp'dTotheperfectionoftheirdignities;2Andhatethementhatbutrefrainthem.
Arr.O!
Thereisafarthercauseofhate.TheirbreastsAreguilty,thatweknowtheirobscuresprings,Andbasebeginnings;thencetheangergrows.On.Follow.
SCENEIX.—Anotherpartofthesame.EnterMACROandLACO.
Mac.Whenallareenter'd,3shutthetempledoors;Andbringyourguardsuptothegate.
Lac.Iwill.
Mac.Ifyoushallhearcommotioninthesenate,Presentyourself:andchargeonanymanShalloffertocomeforth.
Lac.Iaminstructed.[Exeunt.
SCENEX.—TheTempleofApollo.
EnterHATERIUS,TRIO,SANQUINIUS,COTTA,REGTJLTJS,SEJANTJS,POMPONIUS,LATIARIS,LEPIDUS,ARRUNTIUS,anddiversotherSenators;Preecones,andLictors.
Hat.Howwellhislordshiplooksto-day!Tri.AsifHehadbeenborn,ormadeforthishour'sstate.
1ExLiburnia,magnasetproceraestaturaemittebantur,quierantRom.Lecticarii;test.Juv.Sat.iii.v.240.
Turbacedentevehetur
Dives,etingenticurretsuperoraLiburno.
2Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.8Dio.ibid.p.718.
Cot.Yourfellowconsul'scomeabout,rnethinks?
Tri.Ay,heiawise.
San.Sejanustrustshimwell.
Tri.Sejanusiaanoble,bounteouslord.1
Hat.Heisso,andmostvaliant.
Lai.Andmostwise.
1Sen.He'severything.
Lai.Worthyofall,andmoreThanbountycanbestow.
Tri.ThisdignityWillmakehimworthy.
Pom.AboveCa3sar.
San.Tut,
Cnesarisbuttherectorofanisle,2Heoftheempire.
Tri.NowhewillhavepowerMoretorewardthanever.
Cot.LetuslookWebenotslackingivinghimourvoices.3
Lat.NotI.
San.NorI.
Cot.ThereadierweseemTopropagatehishonours,willmorebindHisthoughtstoours.
Hat.Ithinkrightwithyourlordship;Itisthewaytohaveusholdourplaces.
San.Ay,andgetmore.
Lat.Moreofficeandmoretitles.
Pom.IwillnotlosethepartIhopetoshareInthesehisfortunes,formypatrimony.
Lat.See,howArruntiussits,andLepidus!
Tri.Letthemalone,theywillbemark'danon.
1Sen.I'lldowithothers.
2Sen.SowillI.
3Sen.AndI.
Mengrownotinthestate,butastheyareplantedWarminhisfavours.
Cot.NobleSejanus!
Hat.Honour'dSejanus!
Lat.WorthyandgreatSejanus!
Arr.Gods!howthespongesopenandtakein,Andshutagain!look,look!isn<>iIn-!>!•Thatgetsaseatineye-reachofliini':more,Thatcomesinear,ortongue-reach?()butmost,Canclawhissubtleelbow,or\\ithabuzFly-blowhisears?
Prcet.Proclaimthesenate'speace,
1Vid.acclamation.Scnat.Dio.Rom.Hi^t.Lib.Iviii.p.710.8Dio.p.715.»Dio.p.710.
Andgivelastsummonsbytheedict.
Prce.Silence!InnameofCaesar,andthesenate,silence!
MemmiusEegulus,andFulciniusTrio,1consuls,thesepresentkalendsofJune,withthefirstlight,shallholdasenate,inthetempleofApolloPalatine:2allthatarefathers,andareregisteredfathers,thathaverightofenteringthesenate,wewarnorcommandyoubefrequentlypresent,takeknowledgethebusinessisthecommonwealth's:whosoeverisabsent,hisfineormulctwillbetaken,hisexcusewillnotbetaken.
Tri.Notewhoareabsent,andrecordtheirnames.
Reg.Fathersconscript,3maywhatIamtoutterTurngoodandhappyforthecommonwealth1Andthou,Apollo,inwhoseholyhouseWeherehavemet,inspireusallwithtruth,Andlibertyofcensuretoourthought1ThemajestyofgreatTiberiusCaesarPropoundstothisgravesenate,thebestowingUponthemanheloves,honour'dSejanus,Thetribunitialdignityandpower:4Herearehisletters,signedwithhissignet.Whatpleasethnowthefatherstobedone?5
Sen.Read,readthem,open,publiclyreadthem.
Cot.Caesarhathhonour'dhisowngreatnessmuchInthinkingofthisact.
Tri.ItwasathoughtHappy,andworthyCaesar.
Lat.AndthelordAsworthyit,onwhomitisdirected!
Hat.Mostworthy!
San.RomedidneverboastthevirtueThatcouldgiveenvybounds,buthis:Sejanus—
1Sen.Honour'dandnoble!
2Sen.GoodandgreatSejanus!
Arr.O,mosttameslavery,andfierceflattery!Prce.Silence!
TIBERIUS&ESARtotheSenate,greeting.
Ifyou,conscriptfathers,&withyourchildren,beinhealth,itisabundantlywell:wewithourfriendshereareso.Thecareofthecommonwealth,howsoeverweareremovedinperson,cannotbeabsenttoourthought;although,oftentimes,eventoprincesmostpresent,thetruthoftheirownaffairsishid;thanwhich,nothingfallsoutmoremiserable
1Vid.Brissoniumdeformul.Lib.ii.etLipsiumSat.Menip.1Palatinus,amontePalatinedictus.
8Solemnispra3fatioconsuluminrelationibus.Dio.p.718.«Vid.Suet.Tib.cap.65.
8Aliaformulasolemnis,vid.Briss.Lib.ii.etDio.p.719.•Solenneexordiumepistolar.apudRomanes,cons.Briss.deformul.Lib.viii.
toastate,ormakestheartofgoverningmoredifficult.Butsinceithathbeenoureasefulhappinesstoenjoyboththeaidsandindustryofsovigilantasenate,weprofesstohavebeenthemoreindulgenttoourpleasures,notasbeingcarelessofouroffice,butrathersecureofthenecessity.Neitherdothesecommonrumoursofmany,andinfamouslibelspublishedagainstourretirement,atallafflictus;beingbornmoreoutofmen'signorancethantheirmalice:andwill,neglected,findtheirowngravequickly;whereas,toosensiblyacknowledged,itwouldmaketheirobloquyours.Nordowedesiretheirauthors,thoughfound,becensured,sinceinafreestate,1asours,allmenoughttoenjoyboththeirmindsandtonguesfree.
Arr.Thelapwing,thelapwing!
Yetinthingswhichshallworthilyandmorenearconcernthemajestyofaprince,weshallfeartobesounnaturallycrueltoourownfame,astoneglectthem.Trueitis,conscriptfathers,thatwehaveraisedSejanusfromobscure,andalmostunknowngentry
Sen.How,how!
tothehighestandmostconspicuouspointofgreatness,and,wehope,deservingly;yetnotwithoutdanger:itbeingamostboldhazardinthatsovereign,who,byhisparticularlovetoone,daresadventurethehatredofallhisothersubjects.
Arr.Thistouches;thebloodturns.
Butweaffyinyourlovesandunderstandings,anddonowaysuspectthemeritofourSejanus,tomakeourfavoursoffensivetoany.
Sen.0!good,good.
ThoughwecouldhavewishedhiszealhadrunacalmercourseagainstAgrippinaandournephews,howsoevertheopennessoftheiractionsdeclaredthemdelinquents;and,thathe
wouldhaveremembered,noinnocenceissosafe,butitrejoicethtostandinthesightofmercy:theuseofwhichinus,hehathsoquitetakenaway,towardsthem,byhisloyalfury,asnowourclemencywouldbethoughtbutweariedcruelty,ifweshouldoffertoexerciseit.
Arr.Ithankhim;thereIlook'dfor't.Agoodfox!Sometherebethatwouldinterpretthishispublicseveritytobeparticularambition;2andthat,underapretextofservicetous,hedothbutremovehisownlets:allegingthestrengthshehathmadetohimself,bythepraetoriansoldiers,byhisfactionincourtandsenate,bytheofficesheholdshimself,andconfersonothers,hispopularityanddependents,hi*urgingandalmostdriringustothisourunwillingretirement,and,lastly,hisaspiringtobeourson-in-law.
Sen.Thisisstrange!
Arr.Ishallanonbelieveyourvulture-.Marcus.}'">irK'isdoms,conscriptfathers,areabletoexamine,awlc>n^irctlif.tesuggestions.But,were///<//!<ftl<>ourr/^Wr///;/roice,wedurstpronouncethem,aswethinktJcnt.mostmalicious.
Sen.O,hehasrestoredall;list!
1Firrmisetpatienssubindej;irt.\l>.it,incivitatelibrra,lin-u.iniin«-n-teni']u>-liberasessedebere.Surt.Tib.c.28.
2L)ehacepist.vid.Dio.K<'in.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.719,etJuv.Sat.x.
Yetaretheyofferedtobeaverred,andonthelivesoftheinformers.Whatweshouldsay,orratherwhatweshouldnotsay,lordsofthesenate,ifthisbetrue,ourgodsandgoddessesconfoundusifweknow!Onlywemustthink,wehaveplacedourbenefitsill;andconclude,thatinourchoice,eitherwewerewantingtothegods,orthegodstous.
[TheSenatorsshifttheirplaces.Arr.Theplacegrowshot;theyshift.
WeJiavenotbeencovetous,honourablefathers,tochange;neitherisitnowanynewlustthataltersouraffection,oroldlothing;butthoseneedfuljealousiesofstate,thatwarnwiserprinceshourlytoprovidetheirsafety;anddoteachthemhowlearnedathingitistobewareofthehumblestenemy;muchmoreofthosegreatones,whomtheirownemployedfavourshavemadefitfortheirfears.
1Sen.Away.
2Sen.Sitfarther.Cot.Let'sremove—
Arr.Gods!howtheleavesdropoff,thislittlewind!Wethereforedesire,thattheofficesheholdsbefirstseizedbythesenate;andhimselfsuspendedfromallexerciseofplaceorpower—
Sen.How!
San.[thrustingby.]Byyourleave.
Arr.Come,porpoise;where'sHaterius?Hisgoutkeepshimmostmiserablyconstant;Yourdancingshewsatempest.
Sej.Readnomore.
Beg.Lordsofthesenate,holdyourseats:readon.
Sej.Theseletterstheyareforged.
Reg.Aguard!sitstill.
EnterLACO,withtheGuards.
Arr.Here'schange!
Reg.Bidsilence,andreadforward.
Prce.Silence!andhimselfsuspendedfromallexerciseofplace
orpower,buttilldueandmaturetrialbemadeofhisinnocency,whichyetwecanfaintlyapprehendthenecessitytodoubt.If,conscriptfathers,toyourmoresearchingwisdoms,thereshallappearfarthercause—oroffartherproceeding,eithertoseizureoflands,goods,ormore—itisnotourpowerthatshalllimityourauthority,orourfavourthatmustcorruptyourjustice:eitherweredishonourableinyou,andbothuncharitabletoourself.Wewouldwillinglylbepresentwithyourcounselsinthisbusiness;butthedangerofsopotentafaction,ifitshouldproveso,forbidsourattemptingit:exceptoneoftheconsulswouldbeentreatedforoursafety,toundertaketheguardofushome;thenweshouldmostreadilyadventure.Inthemeantime,itshallnotbefitforustoimportunesojudiciousasenate,whoknowhowmuchtheyhurttheinnocent,thatsparetheguilty;andhowgratefulasacrificetothegodsisthelifeofaningratefulperson.Wereflectnot,inthis,onSejanus,(notwithstanding,ifyoukeepaneye1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.719,etSuet.Tib.
uponhim—andthereisLatiaris,asenator,andPinnariusXafta,tiroofhismosttrustedministers,andsoprofessed,whomwedesirenottohaveapprehended,}butasthenecessityofthecauseexactsit.
Reg.AguardonLatiaris!
Arr.O,thespy,
Thereverendspyiscaught!whopitieshim?Reward,sir,foryourservice:now,youhavedoneYourproperty,youseewhatuseismade!
[ExeuntLatiarisandNafta,guarded.Hanguptheinstrument.
Sej.Giveleave.
Lac.Stand,stand!
Hecomesuponhisdeath,thatdothadvanceAninchtowardmypoint.
Sej.Havewenofriendshere?
Arr.Hush'd!Wherenowareallthehailsandacclamations?
EnterMACRO.
Mac.Hailtotheconsuls,andthisnoblesenate!
Sej.IsMacrohere?O,thouartlost,Sejanus![Aside.
Mac.Sitstill,andunaffrighted,reverendfathers:Macro,byCaesar'sgrace,thenew-madeprovost,Andnowpossestofthepraetorianbands,Anhonourlatebelong'dtothatproudman,Bidsyoubesafe:andtoyourconstantdoomOfhisdeservings,offersyouthesuretyOfallthesoldiers,tribunes,andcenturions,Receivedinourcommand.
Reg.Sejanus,Sejanus,Standforth,Sejanus!
Sej.Amicall'd?
Mac.Ay,thou,Thouinsolentmonster,artbidstand.
Sej.Why,Macro,
11hathbeenotherwisebetweenyouandI;Thiscourt,thatknowsusboth,hathseenadifference,Andcan,ifitbepleasedtospeak,confirmWhoseinsolenceismost.
Mac.Comedown,Typhreus.Ifminebemost,lo!thusImakeitmorr;Kickupthyheelsinair,tearoffthyrobe,Playwiththybeardandnostrils.Thus'tisfit(Andnomantakecompassionofthystate)Touseth'ingratefulviper,treadhisbrainsIntotheearth.
Reg.Forbear.
Mac.IfIcouldloseAllmyhumanitynow,'twerewelltotorture
Someritingatraitor.—Wherefore,fathers,Sityouamazedandsilent;andnotcensureThiswretch,who,inthehourhefirstrebell'd'GainstCaesar'sbounty,didcondemnhimself?Phlegra,thefieldwhereallthesonsofearthMuster'dagainstthegods,didne'eracknowledgeSoproudandhugeamonster.
Reg.Takehimhence;AndallthegodsguardCaesar!
Tri.Takehimhence.
Hat.Hence.
Cot.Tothedungeonwithhim.
San.Hedeservesit.
Sen.Crownallourdoorslwithbays.
San.Andletanox,
Withgildedhornsandgarlands,straightbeledUntotheCapitol—
Hat.AndsacrificedToJove,forCaesar'ssafety.
Tri.AllourgodsBepresentstilltoCaesar!
Cot.Phoebus.
San.Mars.
Hat.Diana.
San.Pallas.
Sen.Juno,Mercury,Allguardhim!
Mac.Forth,thouprodigyofmen![ExitSejanus,guarded.
Cot.Letallthetraitor'stitlesbedefaced.
Tri.Hisimagesandstatuesbepull'ddown.
Hat.Hischariot-wheelsbebroken.
Arr.Andthelegs
Ofthepoorhorses,thatdeservednought,Letthembebrokentoo!
[ExeuntLictors,Prcecones,Macro,Regulus,Trio,Haterius,andSanquinius:manentLepidus,Arruntius,andafewSenators.
Lep.Oviolentchange,Andwhirlofmen'saffections!
Arr.Like,asboth
TheirbulksandsoulswereboundonFortune'swheel,Andmustactonlywithhermotion.
Lep.Whowoulddependuponthepopularair,Orvoiceofmen,thathaveto-daybeheldThatwhich,ifallthegodshadfore-declared,Wouldnothavebeenbelieved,Sejanus'fall?He,thatthismornroseproudly,asthesun,And,breakingthroughamistofclients'breath,Cameon,asgazedatandadmiredashe,
1Leg.Juv.Sat.x.
WhensuperstitiousMoorssalutehislight!ThathadourservilenobleswaitinghimAscommongrooms;andhangingonhislook,Nolessthanhumanlifeondestiny1Thathadmen'skneesasfrequentasthegods;AndsacrificeslmorethanRomehadaltars:Andthismanfall!fall?ay,withoutalookThatdurstappearhisfriend,orlendsomuchOfvainrelief,tohischangedstate,aspity!
Arr.Theythatbefore,likegnats,play'dinhisbeams,Andthrong'dtocircumscribehim,nownotseenNordeigntoholdacommonseatwithhim!Others,thatwaitedhimuntothesenate,Nowinhumanelyravishhimtoprison,Whom,butthismorn,theyfollow'dastheirlord!Guardthroughthestreets,boundlikeafugitive,Insteadofwreathsgivefetters,strokesforstoops,Blindshamesforhonours,andblacktauntsfortitles!Whowouldtrustslipperychance?
Lep.TheythatwouldmakeThemselvesherspoil;andfoolishlyforget,Whenshedothflatter,thatshecomestoprey.Fortune,thouhadstnodeity,ifmenHadwisdom:wehaveplacedtheesohigh,Byfondbeliefinthyfelicity.
[Shoutwithin.]ThegodsguardCaesar!AllthegodsguardCsesar!
Re-enterMACRO,REGULTJS,anddiversSenators.
Mac.Now,greatSejanus,2youthatawedthestate,Andsoughttobringthenoblestoyourwhip;ThatwouldbeCaesar'stutor,anddisposeOfdignitiesandoffices!thathadThepublicheadstillbaretoyourdesigns,Andmadethegeneralvoicetoechoyours!Thatlook'dforsalutationstwelvescoreoff,Andwouldhavepyramids,yeatemples,rear'dToyourhugegreatness;nowyoulieasflat,Aswasyourprideadvanced!
Reg.Thankstothegods!
Sen.AndpraisetoMacro,thathathsavedRome!Liberty,liberty,liberty!Leadon,AndpraisetoMacro,thathathsavedRome!
[ExeuntallbutArrunliusandLepidus.
Arr.Iprophesy,outofthesenate'sflattery,Thatthisnewfellow,Macro,willbecomeAgreaterprodigyinRome,thanheThatnowisfallen.
1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.719,rtc.
1Vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.720,etc.
EnterTERENTIUS.
Ter.0you,whosemindsaregood,Andhavenotforcedallmankindfromyourbreasts;Thatyethavesomuchstockofvirtueleft,Topityguiltystates,whentheyarewretched:Lendyoursoftearstohear,andeyestoweep,Deedsdonebymen,beyondtheactsoffuries.Theeagermultitude(whoneveryetKnewwhytoloveorhate,butonlypleasedT'expresstheirrageofpower)nosoonerheardThemurmurofSejanusindecline,Butwiththatspeedandheatofappetite,WithwhichtheygreedilydevourthewayTosomegreatsports,oranewtheatre,
Theyfill'dtheCapitol,andPompey'sCirque,Where,likesomanymastiffs,bitingstones,AsifhisstatuesnowweresensitiveOftheirwildfury;first,theytearthemdown;lThenfasteningropes,dragthemalongthestreets,Cryinginscorn,This,thiswasthatrichheadWascrown'dwithgarlands,andwithodours,thisThatwasinRomesoreverenced!NowThefurnaceandthebellowsshalltowork,ThegreatSejanuscrack,andpiecebypieceDropinthefounder'spit.
Lep.0popularrage!
Ter.ThewhilstthesenateatthetempleofConcord2Makehastetomeetagain,andthrongingcry,Letuscondemnhim,treadhimdowninwater,Whilehedothlieuponthebank;away!Whilesomemoretardy,cryuntotheirbearers,Hewillbecensurederewecome;run,knaves,Andusethatfuriousdiligence,forfearTheirbondmenshouldinformagainsttheirslackness,Andbringtheirquakingfleshuntothehook:Therouttheyfollowwithconfusedvoice,Crying,they'reglad,say,theycouldne'erabidehim,Enquirewhatmanhewas,whatkindofface,Whatbeardhehad,whatnose,whatlips?ProtestTheyeverdidpresagehe'dcometothis;Theyneverthoughthimwise,norvaliant;askAfterhisgarments,whenhedies,whatdeath;Andnotabeastofalltheherddemands,Whatwashiscrime,orwhowerehisaccusers,Underwhatproofortestimonyhefell?Therecame,saysone,ahugelong-wordedletterFromCapreseagainsthim.Didthereso'(1Vid.Juv.Sat.x.2Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.720.
O,theyaresatisfied;nomore.
Lep.Alas!
TheyfollowFortune,1andhatemencondemn'd,Guiltyornot.
Arr.ButhadSejanusthrivedInhisdesign,andprosperouslyopprestTheoldTiberius;then,inthatsameminute,Theseveryrascals,thatnowragelikefuries,Wouldhaveproclaim'dSejanusemperor.
Lep.Butwhathathfoliow'd?
Ter.Sentence2bythesenate,Tolosehishead;whichwasnosooneroff,ButthatandtheunfortunatetrunkwereseizedBytherudemultitude;whonotcontentWithwhattheforwardjusticeofthestateOfficiouslyhaddone,withviolentrageHaverentitlimbfromlimb.Athousandheads,Athousandhands,tenthousandtonguesandvoices,Employ'datonceinseveralactsofmalice!Oldmennotstaidwithage.virginswithshame,Latewiveswithlossofhusbands,mothersofchildren,Losingallgriefinjoyofhissadfall,Runquitetransportedwiththeircruelty!Thesemountingathishead,theseathisface,Thesediggingouthiseyes,thosewithhisbrainsSprinklingthemselves,theirhousesandtheirfriends;Othersaremet,haveravish'dthenceanarm,Anddealsmallpiecesofthefleshforfavours;Thesewithathigh,thishathcutoffhishands,Andthishisfeet;thesefingersandthesetoes;Thathathhisliver,hehisheart:therewantsNothingbutroomforwrath,andplaceforhatred!Whatcannotoftbedone,isnowo'erdone.Thewhole,andallofwhatwasgreatSejanus,And,nexttoCaesar,didpossesstheworld,Nowtornandscatterd,asheneedsnograve;Eachlittledustcoversalittlepart:Solieshenowhere,andyetoftenburied!
EnterNUNTIUS.
Arr.MoreofSejanus?
Nun.Yes.
Lep.Whatcanbeadded?Weknowhimdead.
Nun.Thentherebeginyourpity.Thereisenoughbehindtomeltev'nRome,
1Juv.Sat.x.
1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.720.SC-TIPC.lib.deTranq.Anim.c.nQuodieiliumsenatusdeduxerat,populusinfrustadivisit.
AndCaesarintotears;sinceneverslaveCouldyetsohighlyoffend,buttyranny,Intorturinghim,wouldmakehimworthlamenting.—AsonanddaughtertothedeadSejanus,(Ofwhom*thereisnotnowsomuchremainingAswouldgivefast'ningtothehangman'shook,)Havetheydrawnforthforfarthersacrifice;Whosetendernessofknowledge,unripeyears,Andchildishsillyinnocencewassuch,Asscarcewouldlendthemfeelingoftheirdanger:Thegirl2sosimple,assheoftenask'd
"Wheretheywouldleadher?forwhatcausetheydragg'dher?"Cried,"Shewoulddonomore:'thatshecouldtake'Warningwithbeating."AndbecauseourlawsAdmitnovirgin3immaturetodie,ThewittilyandstrangelycruelMacroDeliver'dhertobedeflower'dandspoil'd,Bytherudelustofthelicentioushangman,Thentobestrangledwithherharmlessbrother.
Lep.O,actmostworthyhell,andlastingnight,Tohideitfromtheworld!
Nun.TheirbodiesthrownIntotheGemonies,(Iknownothow,Orbywhataccidentreturn'd,)themother,Theexpulsed4Apicata,findsthemthere;Whomwhenshesawliespreadonthedegrees,5Afteraworldoffuryonherself,Tearingherhair,defacingofherface,Beatingherbreastsandwomb,kneelingamaz'd,Cryingtoheaven,thentothem;atlast,Herdrownedvoicegatupaboveherwoes,Andwithsuchblackandbitterexecrations,Asmightaffrightthegods,andforcethesunRunbackwardtotheeast;nay,maketheoldDeformedchaosriseagain,too'erwhelmThem,us,andalltheworld,shefillstheair,Upbraidstheheavenswiththeirpartialdooms,Defiestheirtyrannouspowers,6anddemands,Whatshe,andthosepoorinnocentshavetransgressed,Thattheymustsuffersuchashareinvengeance,WhilstLivia,Lygdus,andEudemuslive,Who,asshesays,andfirmlyvowstoproveitToCaesarandthesenate,poison'dDrusus?
1Vid.Senec.lib.deTranq.Ani.c.xi.
!Tac.Ann.Lib.v.p.99.EtDio.Lib.Iviii.p.720.
3Lexnontarnvirginitatiignotumcautumquevoluitquamaetati.Cons.Lips,comment.Tac.
4Dio.Lib.Iviii.c.720.
*ScalaeGemoniseinquaserantprojectadamnator.corpora.'Dio.Lib.Iviii.p.720.
Lep,Confederateswithherhusband!
Nun.Ay.
Lep.Strangeact!
Arr.Andstrangelyopen'd:whatsaysnowmymonster,Themultitude?theyreelnow,dotheynot?
Nun.Theirgallisgone,andnowthey'gintoweepThemischieftheyhavedone.
Arr.Ithank'em,rogues.
Nun.Partaresostupid,orsoflexible,Astheybelievehiminnocent;allgrieve:Andsomewhosehandsyetreekwithhiswarmblood,Andgripethepartwhichtheydidtearofhim,Wishhimcollectedandcreatednew.
Lep.HowFortuneplieshersports,whenshebeginsTopractisethem!pursues,continues,adds,Confoundswithvaryingherimpassion'dmoods!
Arr.Dostthouhope,Fortune,toredeemthycrimes,Tomakeamendforthyill-placedfavours,Withthesestrangepunishments?Forbear,youthingsThatstanduponthepinnaclesofstate,Toboastyourslipperyheight;whenyoudofall,Youpashyourselvesinpieces,ne'ertorise;Andhethatlendsyoupity,isnotwise.
Ter.Letthisexamplemovetheinsolentman,Nottogrowproudandcarelessofthegods.Itisanodiouswisdomtoblaspheme,-Muchmoretoslighten,ordenytheirpowers:For,whomthemorningsawsogreatandhigh,Thuslowandlittle,'foretheevendothhe.[Exeunt.
VOLPONE;OR,THEFOX
TOTHEMOSTNOBLEANDMOSTEQUALSISTERS,
THETWOFAMOUSUNIVERSITIES,
FORTHEIRLOVEANDACCEPTANCESHEWNTOHISPOEMINTHE
PRESENTATION,
BENJONSON,
THEGRATEFULACKNOWLEDGER,
DEDICATESBOTHITANDHIMSELF.
NEVER,mostequalSisters,hadanymanawitsopresentlyexcellent,asthatitcouldraiseitself;buttheremustcomebothmatter,occasion,commenders,andfavourerstoit.Ifthisbe
true,andthatthefortuneofallwritersdothdailyproveit,itbehovesthecarefultoprovidewelltowardstheseaccidents;and,havingacquiredthem,topreservethatpartofreputationmosttenderly,whereinthebenefitofafriendisalsodefended.Henceisit,thatInowrendermyselfgrateful,andamstudioustojustifythebountyofyouract;towhich,thoughyourmereauthorityweresatisfying,yetitbeinganagewhereinpoetryandtheprofessorsofithearsoillonallsides,therewillareasonbelookedforinthesubject.Itiscertain,norcanitwithanyforeheadbeopposed,thatthetoomuchlicenseofpoetastersinthistime,hathmuchdeformedtheirmistress;that,everyday,theirmanifoldandmanifestignorancedothstickunnaturalreproachesuponher:butfortheirpetulancy,itwereanactofthegreatestinjustice,eithertoletthelearnedsuffer,orsodivineaskill(whichindeedshouldnotbeattemptedwithuncleanhands)tofallundertheleastcontempt.For,ifmenwillimpartially,andnotasquint,looktowardtheofficesandfunctionofapoet,theywilleasilyconcludetothemselvestheimpossibilityofanyman'sbeingthegoodpoet,withoutfirstbeingagoodman.Hethatissaidtobeabletoinformyoungmentoallgooddisciplines,inflamegrownmentoallgreatvirtues,keepoldmenintheirbestandsupremestate,or,astheydeclinetochildhood,recoverthemtotheirfirststrength;thatcomesforththeinterpreterandarbiterofnature,ateacherofthingsdivinenolessthanhuman,amasterinmanners;andcanalone,orwithafew,effectthebusinessofmankind:this,Itakehim,isnosubjectforprideandignorancetoexercisetheirrailingrhetoricupon.Butitwillherebehastilyanswered,thatthewritersofthesedaysareotherthings;thatnotonlytheirmanners,buttheirnatures,areinverted,andnothingremainingwiththemofthedignityofpoet,buttheabusedname,whicheveryscribeusurps;thatnow,especiallyindramatic,or,astheytermit,stage-poetry,nothingbutribaldry,profanation,blasphemy,alllicenseofoffencetoGodandmanispractised.Idarenotdenyagreatpartofthis,andamsorryIdarenot,becauseinsomemen'sabortivefeatures(andwouldtheyhadneverboastedthelight)itisover-true;butthatallareembarkedinthisboldadventureforhell,isamostuncharitablethought,and,uttered,amoremaliciousslander.Formyparticular,Ican,andfromamostclearconscience,affirm,thatIhaveevertrembledtothinktowardtheleastprofaneness;haveloathedtheuseofsuchfoulandun-
washedbawdry,asisnowmadethefoodofthescone:and,howsoeverIcannotescapefromsome,theimputationofsharpness,butthattheywillsay,Ihavetakenapride,orlust,tobebitter,andnotmyyoungestinfantbuthathcomeintotheworldwithallhisteeth;IwouldaskoftheseSuperciliouspolitics,whatnation,society,orgeneralorderorstate,Ihaveprovoked?Whatpublicperson?WhetherIhavenotinallthesepreservedtheirdignity,asmineownperson,safe?Myworksareread,allowed,(Ispeakofthosethatareintirelymine,)lookintothem,whatbroadreproofshaveIused?wherehaveIbeenparticular?wherepersonal?excepttoamimic,cheater,bawd,orbuffoon,creatures,fortheirinsolencies,worthytobetaxed?yettowhichofthesesopointingly,ashemightnoteitheringenuouslyhaveconfest,orwiselydissembledhisdisease?Butitisnotrumourcanmakemenguilty,muchlessentitlemetoothermen'scrimes.Iknow,thatnothingcanbesoinnocentlywritorcarried,butmaybemadeobnoxioustoconstruction;marry,whilstIbearmineinnocenceaboutme,Ifearitnot.Applicationisnowgrownatradewithmany;andtherearethatprofesstohaveakeyforthedecypheringofeverything:butletwiseandnoblepersonstakeheedhowtheybetoocredulous,orgiveleavetotheseinvadinginterpreterstobeover-familiarwiththeirfames,whocunningly,andoften,uttertheirownvirulentmalice,underothermen'ssimplestmeanings.Asforthosethatwill(byfaultswhichcharityhathrakedup,
orcommonhonestyconcealed)makethemselvesanamewiththemultitude,or,todrawtheirrudeandbeastlyclaps,carenotwhoselivingfacestheyintrenchwiththeirpetulantstyles,maytheydoitwithoutarival,forme!Ichooserathertolivegravedinobscurity,thansharewiththeminsopreposterousafame.NorcanIblamethewishesofthosesevereandwisepatriots,whoprovidingthehurtstheselicentiousspiritsmaydoinastate,desirerathertoseefoolsanddevils,andthoseantiquerelicsofbarbarismretrieved,withallotherridiculousandexplodedfollies,thanbeholdthewoundsofprivatemen,ofprincesandnations:for,asHoracemakesTrebatiusspeakamongthese]
"Sibiquisquetimet,quanquamestintactus,etodit."
Andmenmayjustlyimputesuchrages,ifcontinued,tothewriter,ashissports.Theincreaseofwhichlustinliberty,togetherwiththepresenttradeofthestage,inalltheirmiscellineinterludes,whatlearnedorliberalsouldothnotalreadyabhor?wherenothingbutthefilthofthetimeisuttered,andwithsuchimproprietyofphrase,suchplentyofsolecisms,suchdearthofsense,soboldprolepses,sorackedmetaphors,withbrothelry]abletoviolatetheearofapagan,andblasphemy,toturnthebloodof'aChristiantowater.Icannotbutbeseriousinacauseofthisnature,whereinmyfame,andthereputationofdivershonestandlearnedarethequestion;whenanamesofullofauthority,antiquity,andallgreatmark,is,throughtheirinsolence,becomethelowestscornoftheage;andthosemensubjecttothepetulancyofeveryvernaculousorator,thatwerewonttobethecareofkingsandhappiestmonarchs.Thisitisthathathnotonlyraptmetopresentindignation,butmademestudiousheretofore,andbyallmyactions,tostandofffromthem;whichmaymostappear-inthismylatestwork,whichyou,mostlearnedArbitresses,haveseen,judged,andtomycrown,approved;whereinIhavelabouredfortheirinstructionandamendment,toreducenotonlytheancientforms,butmannersofthescene,theeasiness,thepropriety,theinnocence,andlast,thedoctrine,whichistheprincipalendofpoesie,toinformmeninthe1reasonofliving.Andthoughmycatastrophemay,inthestrictrigourofcomiclaw,meetwithcensure,asturningbacktomypromise;Idesirethelearnedandcharitablecritic,tohavesomuchfaithinme,tothinkitwasdoneofindustry:for,withwhateaseIcouldhavevarieditnearerhisscale(butthatIfeartoboastmy<nvnfaculty)Icouldhereinsert.I'.ntmyspecialaimbeingtoputthesnattleintheirmouths,thatcryout,We
BenJonson'sPlays
402
neverpunishviceinourinterludes,etc.,Itookthemoreliberty;thoughnotwithoutsomelinesofexample,drawnevenintheancientsthemselves,thegoingsoutofwhosecomediesarenotalwaysjoyful,butofttimesthebawds,theservants^therivals,yea,andthemastersaremulcted;andfitly,itbeingtheofficeofacomicpoettoimitatejustice,andinstructtolife,aswellaspurityoflanguage,orstirupgentleaffections;towhichIshalltaketheoccasionelsewheretospeak.
Forthepresent,mostreverencedSisters,asIhavecaredtobethankfulforyouraffectionspast,andheremadetheunderstandingacquaintedwithsomegroundofyourfavours;letmenotdespairtheircontinuance,tothematuringofsomeworthierfruits;wherein,ifmymusesbetruetome,Ishallraisethedespisedheadofpoetryagain,andstrippingheroutofthose
rottenandbaseragswherewiththetimeshaveadulteratedherform,restorehertoherprimitivehabit,feature,andmajesty,andrenderherworthytobeembracedandkistofallthegreatandmaster-spiritsofourworld.Asforthevileandslothful,whoneveraffectedanactworthyofcelebration,oraresoinwardwiththeirownviciousnatures,astheyworthilyfearher,andthinkitanhighpointofpolicytokeepherincontempt,withtheirdeclamatoryandwindyinvectives;sheshalloutofjustrageinciteherservants(whoaregenusirritabile)tospoutinkintheirfaces,thatshalleatfartherthantheirmarrowintotheirfames;andnotCinnamusthebarber,withhisart,shallbeabletotakeoutthebrands;buttheyshalllive,andberead,tillthewretchesdie,asthingsworstdeservingofthemselvesinchief,andthenofallmankind.
FrommyHouseintheBlack-Friars,thisnthdayofFebruary,1607.
DRAMATISPERSONS
VOLPONE,aMagnifico.
MOSCA,hisParasite.
VOLTORE,anAdvocate.
CORBACCIO,anoldGentleman.
CORVINO,aMerchant.
BONARIO,sontoCorbaccio.
SIRPOLITICKWOULD-BE,aKnight.
PEREGRINE,aGentlemanTraveller.
NANO,aDwarf.
CASTRONE,anEunuch.
ANDROGYNO,anHermaphrodite.
GREGE(orMob]
Commandadori,OfficersofJustice.Mercatori,threeMerchants.Avocatori,fourMagistrates.Notario,theRegister.
LADYWOULD-BE,SirPolitick'sWife.CELIA,Corvino'sWife.
Servitori,Servants,twoWaiting-women,etc.
SCENE,—VENICE
THEARGUMENT.
Volpone,childless,rich,feignssick,despairs,
0ffershisstatetohopesofseveralheirs,
Lieslanguishing:hisparasitereceives
Presentsofall,assures,deludes;thenweaves
0thercrossplots,whichopethemselves,aretold.*
Newtricksforsafetyaresought;theythrive:whenbold,
Eachtemptstheotheragain,andallaresold,
f
PROLOGUE.
Now,luckyetsendus,andalittlewit
Willservetomakeourplayhit;(Accordingtothepalatesoftheseason)
Hereisrhime,notemptyofreason.Thiswewerebidtocreditfromourpoet,
Whosetruescope,ifyouwouldknowit,Inallhispoemsstillhathbeenthismeasure,
Tomixprofitwithyourpleasure;Andnotassome,whosethroatstheirenvyfailing,
Cryhoarsely,Allhewritesisrailing:Andwhenhisplayscomeforth,thinktheycanfloutthem,
Withsaying,hewasayearaboutthem.Tothisthereneedsnolie,butthishiscreature,
Whichwastwomonthssincenofeature;Andthoughhedaresgivethemfivelivestomendit,
'Tisknown,fiveweeksfullypenn'dit,Fromhisownhand,withoutaco-adjutor,
Novice,journey-man,ortutor.YetthusmuchIcangiveyouasatoken
Ofhisplay'sworth,noeggsarebroken,Norquakingcustardswithfierceteethaffrighted,
Wherewithyourroutaresodelighted;Norhalesheinagulloldendsreciting,
Tostopgapsinhisloosewritit/'/:Withsuchadealofmonstrousandforcedaction,
AsmightmakeBethlemafaction:Normadehehisplayfor;V.</.<?stolenfromeachtable,
Butmakesjeststofithisfable;
Andsopresentsquickcomedyrefined,
Asbestcriticshavedesigned;Thelawsoftime,place,personsheobserveth,
Fromnoneedfulruleheswerveth.Allgallandcopperasfromhisinkhedraineth,
Onlyalittlesaltremaineth,Wherewithhe'llrubyourcheeks,tillred,withlaughter,
Theyshalllookfreshaweekafter.
ACTI
SCENEI.—ARoominVOLPONE'SHouse.EnterVOLPONEandMOSCA.
Volp.Goodmorningtotheday;andnext,mygold!—Opentheshrine,thatImayseemysaint.
\_Moscawithdrawsthecurtain,anddiscoverspilesofgold,
plate,jewels,etc.
Hailtheworld'ssoul,andmine!moregladthaniaTheteemingearthtoseethelong'd-forsunPeepthroughthe!ornsofthecelestialRam,AmI,toviewthysplendourdarkeninghis;Thatlyinghere,amongstmyotherhoards,Shew'stlikeaflamebynight,orlikethedayStruckoutofchaos,whenalldarknessfledUntothecentre.0thousonofSol,Butbrighterthanthyfather,letmekiss,Withadoration,thee,andeveryrelickOfsacredtreasureinthisblessedroom.Welldidwisepoets,bythygloriousname,Titlethatagewhichtheywouldhavethebest;Thoubeingthebestofthings,andfartranscendingAllstyleofjoy,inchildren,parents,friends,Oranyotherwakingdreamonearth:ThylookswhentheytoVenusdidascribe,TheyshouldhavegivenhertwentythousandCupids;Sucharethybeautiesandourloves!Dearsaint,Riches,thedumbgod,thatgiv'stallmentongues,Thoucanstdonought,andyetmak'stmendoallthings;Thepriceofsouls;evenhell,withtheetoboot,Ismadeworthheaven.Thouartvirtue,fame,Honour,andallthingselse.Whocangetthee,
Heshallbenoblevaliant,honest,wise—
Mos.Andwhathewill,sir.RichesareinfortuneAgreatergoodthanwisdomisinnature.
Volp.True,mybelovedMosca.YetIgloryMoreinthecunningpurchaseofmywealth,Thaninthegladpossession,sinceIgainXocommonway;Iusenotrade,noventure;Iwoundnoearthwithplough-shares,fatnobeasts,Tofeedtheshambles;havenomillsforiron,Oil,corn,ormen,togrindthemintopowder:Iblownosubtleglass,exposenoshipsTothreat'ningsofthefurrow-facedsea;Iturnnomoniesinthepublicbank,Norusureprivate.
Mos.No,sir,nordevour
Softprodigals.YoushallhavesomewillswallowAmeltingheirasgliblyasyourDutchWillpillsofbutter,andne'erpurgeforit;TearforththefathersofpoorfamiliesOutoftheirbeds,andcoffinthemaliveInsomekindclaspingprison,wheretheirbonesMaybeforth-coming,whenthefleshisrotten:Butyoursweetnaturedothabhorthesecourses;Youlothethewidow'sortheorphan'stearsShouldwashyourpavements,ortheirpiteouscriesRingin
yourroofs,andbeattheairforvengeance.
Volp.Right,Mosca;Idolotheit.
Mos.Andbesides,sir,
YouarenotlikethethresherthatdothstandWithahugeflail,watchingaheapofcorn,And,hungry,daresnottastethesmallestgrain,Butfeedsonmallows,andsuchbitterherbs;Xorlikethemerchant,whohathfill'dhisvaultsWithRomagnia,andrichCandianwines,YetdrinkstheleesofLombard'svinegar:Youwilllienotinstraw,whilstmothsandwormsFeedonyoursumptuoushangingsandsoftbeds;Youknowtheuseofriches,anddaregivenowFromthatbrightheap,tome,yourpoorobserver,Ortoyourdwarf,oryourhermaphrodite,Youreunuch,orwhatotherhouseholdtrifleYourpleasureallowsmaintenance—
Volp.Holdthee,Mosca,\Civeshimmoney.
Takeofmyhand;thoustrik'stontruthinall,Andtheyareenvioustermtheeparasite.Callforthmydwarf,myeunuch,andmyfool,Andletthemmakemesport.[ExitMos.]WhatshouldIdo,Butcockerupmygenius,andlivefreeToalldelightsmyfortunecallsmeto?
Ihavenowife,noparent,child,ally,Togivemysubstanceto;butwhomImakeMustbemyheir:andthismakesmenobserveme:Thisdrawsnewclientsdailytomyhouse,Womenandmenofeverysexandage,Thatbringmepresents,sendmeplate,coin,jewels,WithhopethatwhenIdie(whichtheyexpectEachgreedyminute)itshallthenreturnTen-folduponthem;whilstsome,covetousAbovetherest,seektoengrossmewhole,Andcounter-worktheoneuntotheother,Contendingifts,astheywouldseeminlove:AllwhichIsuffer,playingwiththeirhopes,Andamcontenttocointhemintoprofit,Andlookupontheirkindness,andtakemore,Andlookonthat;stillbearingtheminhand,Lettingthecherryknockagainsttheirlips,Anddrawitbytheirmouths,andbackagain.—Hownow!
Re-enterMOSCAwithNANO,ANDROGYNO,andCASTRONE.
Nan.Now,roomforfreshgamesters,whodowillyoutoknow,
Theydobringyouneitherplaynoruniversityshow;Andthereforedoentreatyou,thatwhatsoevertheyrehearse,
Maynotfareawhittheworse,forthefalsepaceoftheverse.Ifyouwonderatthis,youwillwondermoreerewepass,
Forknow,hereisinclosedthesoulofPythagoras,Thatjugglerdivine,ashereaftershallfollow;
Whichsoul,fastandloose,sir,camefirstfromApollo,AndwasbreathedintoJEthalides,Mercuriushisson,
Whereithadthegifttorememberallthateverwasdone,.Fromthenceitfledforth,andmadequicktransmigration
Togoldly-lockedEuphorbus,whowaskilledingoodfashion.AtthesiegeofoldTroy,bythecuckoldofSparta.
Hermotimuswasnext(Ifinditinmycharta)Towhomitdidpass,wherenosooneritwasmissing
ButwithonePyrrhusofDelositlearnedtogoafishing;AndthencediditenterthesophistofGreece.
FromPythagore,shewentintoabeautifulpiece,EightAspasia,themeretrix;andthenexttossofher
Wasagainofawhore,shebecameaphilosopher,Cratesthecynick,asitselfdothrelateit:
Sincekings,knights,andbeggars,knaves,lords,andfoolsgatit,Besidesoxandass,camel,mule,goat,andbrock,
Inallwhichithathspoke,asinthecobler'scock.ButIcomenotheretodiscourseoftliatmatter,
Orhisone,two,orthree,orhisgreatoath,BYQUATER!Hismusics,histrigon,hisgoldenthigh,
Orhistellinghowelementsshift,butI
Wouldask,howoflatethouhastsufferedtranslation,
Andshiftedthycoatinthesedaysofreformation.And.Likeoneofthereformed,afool,asyousee.
Countingallolddoctrineheresie.Xan.Butnotonthineownforbidmeatshastthouventured?
And.Onfish,whenfirstaCarthusianIentered.Xan.Why,thenthydogmaticalsilencehathleftthee?
And.Ofthatanobstreperouslawyerbereftme.Xan.0wonderfulchange,whensirlawyerforsooktheeI
ForPythagore'ssake,whatbodythentookthee?And.Agooddullmule.Xan.Andhowtbyiliatmeans
Thouwertbroughttoallowoftheeatingofbeans?And.Yes.Xan.Butfromthemuleintowhomdidstthoupass?
And.Intoaverystrangebeast,bysomewriterscalVdanass;Byothers,aprecise,pure,illuminatebrother.
Ofthosedevourflesh,andsometimesoneanother;Andwilldropyouforthalibel,ora
sanctifiedlie,
Betwixteveryspoonfulofanativity-pie.Xan.Nowquitthee,forheaven,ofthatprofanenation,
Andgentlyreportthynexttransmigration.And.TothesamethatIam.Nan.Acreatureofdelight,
And,whatismorethanafool,anhermaphrodite!Now,prithee,sweetsoul,inallthyvariation,
Whichbodywould"stthouchoose,tokeepupthystation?And.Troth,thisIamin:evenherewouldItarry.
Xan.!*Causeherethedelightofeachsexthoucanstvary?And.Alas,thosepleasuresbestaleandforsaken;
No,'tisyourfoolwherewithIamsotaken,TheonlyonecreaturethatIcancallblessed;
ForallotherformsIhaveprovedmostdistressed.Xan.Spoketrue,asthouwertinPythagorasstill.
Thislearnedopinionwecelebratewill,Felloweunuch,asbehovesus,withallourwitandart,
Todignifythatwhereofourselvesaresogreatandspecialapart.
Volp.Now,very,verypretty!Mosca,thisWasthyinvention?
Mos.Ifitpleasemypatron,Notelse.
Volp.Itdoth,goodMosca.Thenitwas,sir.
XANOandCASTROXEsing.
Fools,theyaretheonlynation
Worthmen'senvyoradmiration:
Freefromcareorsorrow-taking,
Selvesandothersmerrymaking:
Alltheyspeakordoissterling.
Yourfoolheisyourgrratman'sdarling,
Andyourladies'sportandpleasure;
Tongueandbaublearehistreasure.
E'enhisfacebegettethlaughter,
Andhespeakstruthfreefromslaughter;
He'sthegraceofeveryfeast,
Andsometimesthechiefestguest;
Hathhistrencherandhisstool,
Whenwitwaitsuponthefool.
O,whowouldnotbe
He,he,he?[Knockingivithout.
Volp.Who'sthat?Away![ExeuntNanoandCastrone.]Look,Mosca.Fool,begone![ExitAndrogyno.
Mos.'TissigniorVoltore,theadvocate;Iknowhimbyhisknock.
Volp.Fetchmemygown,
Myfursandnight-caps;say,mycouchischanging,Andlethimentertainhimselfawhile
Withouti'thegallery.[ExitMosca.]Now,now,myclientsBegintheirvisitation!Vulture,kite,Raven,andgorcrow,allmybirdsofprey,Thatthinkmeturningcarcase,nowtheycome;Iamnotforthemyet—
Re-enterMOSCA,withthegown,etc.
Hownow1thenews?
Mos.Apieceofplate,sir.
Volp.Ofwhatbigness?
Mos.Huge,
Massy,andantique,withyournameinscribed,Andarmsengraven.
Volp.Good!andnotafox
Stretch'dontheearth,withfinedelusivesleights.Mockingagapingcrow?ha,Mosca!
Mos.Sharp,sir.
Volp.Givememyfurs.[Putsonhissickdress.]Whydostthoulaughso,man?
Mos.Icannotchoose,sir,whenIapprehendWhatthoughtshehaswithoutnow,ashewalks:
Thatthismightbethelastgiftheshouldgive;Thatthiswouldfetchyou;ifyoudiedto-day,Andgavehimall,whatheshouldbeto-morrow;Whatlargereturnwouldcomeofallhisventures;Howheshouldworship'dbe,andreverenced;Ridewithhisfurs,andfoot-cloths;waitedonItyherdsoffools,andclients;haveclearwayMadeforhismule,asletter'dashimself;Becall'dthegreatandlearnedadvocate:Andthenconcludes,there'snoughtimpossible.
Volp.Yes,tobelearned,Mosca.
Mos.O,no:rich
Impliesit.Hoodanasswithreverendpurple,Soyoucanhidehistwoambitiousears,Andheshallpassforacathedraldoctor.
Volp.Mycaps,mycaps,goodMosca.Fetchhimin.
Mos.Stay,sir;yourointmentforyoureyes.
Volp.That'strue;
Dispatch,dispatch:IlongtohavepossessionOfmynewpresent.
Mos.That,andthousandsmore,Ihopetoseeyoulordof.
Volp.Thanks,kindMosca.
Mos.Andthat,whenIamlostinblendeddust,AndhundredsuchasIam,insuccession—
Volp.Nay,thatweretoomuch,Mosca.
Mos.Youshalllive,Still,todeludetheseharpies.
Volp.LovingMosca!
'Tiswell:mypillownow,andlethimenter.[ExitMosca.
Now,myfeign'dcough,myphthisic,andmygout,Myapoplexy,palsy,andcatarrhs,Help,withyourforcedfunctions,thismyposture,Wherein,thisthreeyear,Ihavemilk'dtheirhopes.Hecomes;Ihearhim—Uh!{coughing.}uh!uh!uh!O—
Re-enterMOSCA,introducingVOLTORE,withapieceofPlate.
Mos.Youstillarewhatyouwere,sir.Onlyyou,Ofalltherest,arehecommandshislove,Andyoudowiselytopreserveitthus,Withearlyvisitation,andkindnotesOfyourgoodmeaningtohim,which,Iknow,Cannotbutcomemostgrateful.Patron!sir!Here'ssigniorVoltoreiscome—
Volp.[faintly.}Whatsayyou?
Mos.Sir,signiorVoltoreiscomethismorningTovisityou.
Volp.Ithankhim.
Mos.Andhathbrought
Apieceofantiqueplate,boughtofSt.Mark,Withwhichheherepresentsyou.
Volp.Heiswelcome.Prayhimtocomemoreoften.
Mos.Yes.
\'<>lt.Whatsayshe?
Mos.Hethanksyou,anddesiresyouseehimoften.
I"Ip.Mosca.
.I/ox.Mypatron!
Vnlp.KriML'himnear,whereishe?Ilongtofeelhishand.
Mos.Theplateishere,sir.
Volt.Howfareyou,sir?
Volp.Ithankyou,signiorVoltore;Whereistheplate?mineeyesarebad.
Volt,[puttingitintohishands.]I'msorry,Toseeyoustillthusweak.
Mos.Thathe'snotweaker.„[Aside.
Volp.Youaretoomunificent.
Volt.No,sir;wouldtoheaven,Icouldaswellgivehealthtoyou,asthatplate!
Volp.Yougive,sir,whatyoucan:Ithankyou.YourloveHathtasteinthis,andshallnotbeunanswer'd:Iprayyouseemeoften.
Volt.Yes,Ishall,sir.
Volp.Benotfarfromme.
Mos.Doyouobservethat,sir?
Volp.Hearkenuntomestill;itwillconcernyou.
Mos.Youareahappyman,sir;knowyourgood.
Volp.Icannotnowlastlong—
Mos.Youarehisheir,sir.
Volt.Ami?
Volp.Ifeelmegoing;Uh!uh!uh!uh!I'msailingtomyport,Uh!uh!uh!uh!AndIamgladIamsonearmyhaven.
Mos.Alas,kindgentleman!Weil,wemustallgo—
Volt.But,Mosca—
Mos.Agewillconquer.
Volt.'Praythee,hearme:AmIinscribedhisheirforcertain?
Mos.Areyou!
Idobeseechyou,sir,youwillvouchsafeTowritemeinyourfamily.AllmyhopesDependuponyourworship:Iamlost,Excepttherisingsundoshineonme.
Volt.Itshallbothshine,andwarmthee,Mosca.
Mos.Sir,
Iamaman,thathathnotdoneyourloveAlltheworstoffices:hereIwearyourkeys,Seeallyourcoffersandyourcasketslock'd,Keepthepoorinventoryofyourjewels,Yourplateandmonies;amyoursteward,sir,Husbandyourgoodshere.
Volt.ButamIsoleheir?
Mos.Withoutapartner,sir;confirm'dthismorning:Thewaxiswarmyet,andtheinkscarcedryUpontheparchment.
Volt.Happy,happy,me!Bywhatgoodchance,sweetMosca?
Mos.Yourdesert,sir;
Iknownosecondcause.
Volt.ThymodestyIsnottoknowit;well,weshallrequiteit.
Mos.Heeverlikedyourcourse,sir;thatfirsttookhim.Iofthaveheardhimsay,howheadmiredMenofyourlargeprofession,thatcouldspeakToeverycause,andthingsmerecontraries,Tilltheywerehoarseagain,yetallbelaw;That,withmostquickagility,couldturn,And[re-]return;[could]makeknots,andundothem;Giveforkedcounsel;takeprovokinggoldOneitherhand,andputitup:thesemen,Heknew,wouldthrivewiththeirhumility.And,forhispart,hethoughtheshouldbeblestTohavehisheirofsuchasufferingspirit,Sowise,sograve,ofsoperplex'datongue,Andloudwithal,thatwouldnotwag,norscarceLiestill,withoutafee;wheneverywordYourworshipbutletsfall,isachequin!—
[Knockingwithout.Who'sthat?oneknocks;Iwouldnothaveyouseen,sir.Andyet—pretendyoucame,andwentinhaste:
Tilfashionanexcuseand,gentlesir,
Whenyoudocometoswimingoldenlard,Uptothearmsinhoney,thatyourchinIsborneupstiff,withfatnessoftheflood,Thinkonyourvassal;butrememberme:Ihavenotbeenyourworstofclients.
Volt.Mosca!—
Mos.Whenwillyouhaveyourinventorybrought,sir?Orseeacopyofthewill?—Anon!—I'llbringthemtoyou,sir.Away,begone,Putbusinessinyourface.[ExitVoltore.
Volp.[springingup.]ExcellentMosca!Comehither,letmekissthee.
Mos.Keepyoustill,sir.HereisCorbaccio.
Volp.Settheplateaway:Thevulture'sgone,andtheoldraven'scome!
Mos.Betakeyoutoyoursilence,andyoursleep.Standthereandmultiply.[Puttingtheplatetotherest.}Now,
shallwesee
AwretchwhoisindeedmoreimpotentThanthiscanfeigntobe;yethopestohopOverhisgrave—
EnterCORBACCIO.
SiirniorCorbacciolYou'reverywelcome,sir.
Curb.Howdot-.syourpatron?
Mos.Troth,ashedid,sir;noamends.
Corb.What!mendshe?
Mos.No,sir:he'sratherworse.
Corb.That'swell.Whereishe?
Mos.Uponhiscouch,sir,newlyfall'nasleep.
Corb.Doeshesleepwell?
Mos.Nowink,sir,allthisnight.Noryesterday;butslumbers.
Corb.Good!heshouldtakeSomecounselofphysicians:IhavebroughthimAnopiatehere,frommineowndoctor.
Mos.Hewillnothearofdrugs.
Corb.Why?Imyself
Stoodbywhileitwasmade,sawalltheingredients:Andknow,itcannotbutmostgentlywork:Mylifeforhis,'tisbuttomakehimsleep.
Volp.Ay,hislastsleep,ifhewouldtakeit.[Aside.
Mos.Sir,Hehasnofaithinphysic.
Corb.Sayyou,sayyou?
Mos.Hehasnofaithinphysic:hedoesthinkMostofyourdoctorsarethegreaterdanger,Andworsedisease,toescape.IoftenhaveHeardhimprotest,thatyourphysicianShouldneverbehisheir.
Corb.NotIhisheir?
Mos.Notyourphysician,sir.
Corb.O,no,no,no,Idonotmeanit.
Mos.No,sir,northeirfeesHecannotbrook:hesays,theyflayaman,Beforetheykillhim.
Corb.Right,Idoconceiveyou.
Mos.Andthentheydoitbyexperiment;Forwhichthelawnotonlydothabsolvethem,Butgivesthemgreatreward:andheislothTohirehisdeath,so.
Corb.Itistrue,theykillWithasmuchlicenseasajudge.
Mos.Nay,more;
Forhebutkills,sir,wherethelawcondemns,Andthesecankillhimtoo.
Corb.Ay,orme;
Oranyman.Howdoeshisapoplex?Isthatstrongonhimstill?
Mos.Mostviolent.
Hisspeechisbroken,andhiseyesareset,Hisfacedrawnlongerthan'twaswont—
Corb.How!how!
Strongerthanhewaswont?
Mos.No,sir:hisfaceDrawnlongerthan'twaswont.
Corb.0,good!
Mos.HismouthIsevergaping,andhiseyelidshang.
Corb.Good.
Mos.Afreezingnumbnessstiffensallhisjoints,Andmakesthecolourofhisfleshlikelead.
Corb.'Tisgood.
Mos.Hispulsebeatsslow,anddull.
Corb.Goodsymptomsstill.
Mos.Andfromhisbrain—
Corb.Iconceiveyou;good.
Mos.Flowsacoldsweat,withacontinualrheum,Forththeresolvedcornersofhiseyes.
Corb.Is'tpossible?YetIambetter,ha!Howdoeshe,withtheswimmingofhishead?
Mos.O,sir,'tispastthescotomy;henowHathlosthisfeeling,andhathlefttosnort:Youhardlycanperceivehim,thathebreathes.
Corb.Excellent,excellent!sureIshalloutlasthim:Thismakesmeyoungagain,ascoreofyears.
Mos.Iwasacomingforyou,sir.
Corb.Hashemadehiswill?Whathashegivenme?
Mos.No,air.
Corb.Nothing!ha?
Mos.Hehasnotmadehiswill,sir.
Corb.Oh,oh,oh!WhatthendidVoltore,thelawyer,here?
Mos.Hesmeltacarcase,sir,whenhebutheardMymasterwasabouthistestament;AsIdidurgehimtoitforyourgood—•
Corb.Hecameuntohim,didhe?Ithoughtso.
Mos.Yes,andpresentedhimthispieceofplate.
Corb.Tobehisheir?
Mos.Idonotknow,sir.
Corb.True:Iknowittoo.
Mos.Byyourownscale,sir.[Aside.
Corb.Well,
Ishallpreventhim,yet.Sep.Mosca,look,H'-re,Ihavebroughtabagofbrightchequmes,Willquiteweighdownhi-plate.
Mos.[takingthebag.]Yen,marry,sir.Thisistruephysic,thisyoursacredmedicine;Notalkofopiates,tothisgreatelixir!
Corb.'Tisaurumpalpabile,ifnotpotabile.
Mos.Itshallbeminister'dtohim,inhisbowl.
Corb.Ay,do,do,do.
Mos.Mostblessedcordial!Thiswillrecoverhim.
Corb.Yes,do,do,do.
Mos.Ithinkitwerenotbest,sir.
Corb.What?
Mos.Torecoverhim.
Corb.O,no,no,no;bynomeans.
Mos.Why,sir,thisWillworksomestrangeeffect,ifhebutfeelit.
Corb.'Tistrue,thereforeforbear;I'lltakemyventure:Givemeitagain.
Mos.Atnohand;pardonme:Youshallnotdoyourselfthatwrong,sir.IWillsoadviseyou,youshallhaveitall.
Corb.How?
Mos.All,sir;'tisyourright,yourown:nomanCanclaimapart:'tisyours,withoutarival,Decreedbydestiny.
Corb.How,how,goodMosca?
Mos.I'lltellyou,sir.Thisfitheshallrecover.
Corb.Idoconceiveyou.
Mos.And,onfirstadvantageOfhisgain'dsense,willIre-importunehimUntothemakingofhistestament:Andshewhimthis.[Pointingtothemoney.
Corb.Good,good.
Mos.'Tisbetteryet,Ifyouwillhear,sir.
Corb.Yes,withallmyheart.
Mos.Now,wouldIcounselyou,makehomewithspeed;There,frameawill;wheretoyoushallinscribeMymasteryoursoleheir.
Corb.AnddisinheritMyson!
Mos.0,sir,thebetter:forthatcolourShallmakeitmuchmoretaking.
Corb.O,butcolour?
Mos.Thiswill,sir,youshallsendituntome.Now,whenIcometoinforce,asIwilldo,Yourcares,yourwatchings,andyourmanyprayers,Yourmorethanmanygifts,yourthisday'spresent,Andlast,produceyourwill;where,withoutthought,Orleastregard,untoyourproperissue,Asonsobrave,andhighlymeriting,ThestreamofyourdivertedlovehaththrownyouUponmymaster,andmadehimyourheir:Hecannotbesostupid,orstone-dead,
Butoutofconscience,andmeregratitude—
Corb.Hemustpronouncemehis?
Mos.'Tistrue.
Corb.ThisplotDidIthinkonbefore.
Mos.Idobelieveit.
Corb.Doyounotbelieveit?
Mos.Yes,sir.
Corb.Mineownproject.
Mos.Which,whenhehathdone,sir—
Corb.Publish'dmehisheir?
Mos.Andyousocertaintosurvivehim—
Corb.Ay.
Mos.Beingsolustyaman—
Corb.'Tistrue.
Mos.Yes,sir—
Corb.Ithoughtonthattoo.See,howheshouldboTheveryorgantoexpressmythoughts!
Mos.Youhavenotonlydoneyourselfagood—
Corb.Butmultiplieditonmyson.
Mos.'Tisright,sir.
Corb.Still,myinvention.
Mos.'Las,sir!heavenknows,Ithathbeenallmystudy,allmycare,(Ie'engrowgraywithal,)howtoworkthings—
Corb.Idoconceive,sweetMosca.
Mos.Youarehe,ForwhomIlabourhere.
Corb.Ay,do,do,do:I'llstraightaboutit.[Going.
Mos.Rookgowithyou,raven!
Corb.Iknowtheehonest.
Mos.Youdolie,sir![Aside.
Corb.And—
Mos.Yourknowledgeisnobetterthanyourears,sir.
Corb.Idonotdoubt,tobeafathertothee.
Mos.NorItogullmybrotherofhisblessing.
Corb.Imayhavemyyouthrestoredtome,whynot?
Mos.Yourworshipisapreciousass!
Corb.Whatsay'stthou?
Mos.Idodesireyourworshiptomakehaste,sir.
Corb.'Tisdone,'tisdone;Igo.[Exit.
Volp.[leapingfromhiscouch.]O,Ishallburst1Letoutmysides,letoutmysides—
Mos.Contain
Yourfluxoflauirhtrr,sir:youknowthishopeIssuchabait,itcoversanyhook.
Volp.O,butthyworking,andthyplacingit!Icannothold;goodrascal,letmekissthee:
BenJonson'sPlays
Ineverknewtheeinsorareahumour.
Mos.Alas,sir,IbutdoasIamtaught;Followyourgraveinstructions;givethemwords;Pouroilintotheirears,andsendthemhence.
Volp.'Tistrue,'tistrue.WhatararepunishmentIsavaricetoitself!
Mos.Ay,withourhelp,sir.
Volp.Somanycares,somanymaladies,Somanyfearsattendingonoldage,,,'
Yea,deathsooftencall'don,asnowishCanbemorefrequentwiththem,theirlimbsfaint,Theirsensesdull,theirseeing,hearing,going,Alldeadbeforethem;yea,theirveryteeth,Theirinstrumentsofeating,failingthem:Yetthisisreckon'dlife!nay,herewasone,Isnowgonehome,thatwishestolivelonger!Feelsnothisgout,norpalsy;feignshimselfYoungerbyscoresofyears,flattershisageWithconfidentbelyingit,hopeshemay,Withcharms,like^Eson,havehisyouthrestored:Andwiththesethoughtssobattens,asiffateWouldbeaseasilycheatedon,ashe,
Andallturnsair![Knockingwithin.]Who'sthatthere,now?athird!
Mos.Close,toyourcouchagain;Ihearhisvoice:ItisCorvino,oursprucemerchant.
Volp.[liesdownasbefore.]Dead.
Mos.Anotherbout,sir,withyoureves.[Anointingthem.]—Who'sthere?
EnterCORVINO.
SigniorCorvino!comemostwish'dfor!O,Howhappywereyou,ifyouknewit,now1
Corv.Why?what?wherein?
Mos.Thetardyhouriscome,sir.
Corv.Heisnotdead?
Mos.Notdead,sir,butasgood;Heknowsnoman.
Corv.HowshallIdothen?
Mos.Why,sir?
Corv.Ihavebroughthimhereapearl.
Mos.Perhapshehas
Somuchremembranceleft,astoknowyou,sir:Hestillcallsonyou;nothingbutyourname
Isinhismouth.Isyourpearlorient,sir?
Corv.Venicewasneverownerofthelike.
Volp.[faintly.]SigniorCorvino!
Mos.Hark.
Volp.SigniorCorvino1
Mos.Hecallsyou:stepandgiveithim.—lie'shere,sir,Andhehasbroughtyouarichpearl.
Corv.Howdoyou,sir?Tellhim,itdoublesthetwelfthcaract.
Mos.Sir,
Hecannotunderstand,hishearing'sgone;Andyetitcomfortshimtoseeyou—
Corv.Say,Ihaveadiamondforhim,too.
Mos.Bestshewit,sir;Putitintohishand;'tisonlythereHeapprehends:hehashisfeeling,yet.Seehowhegraspsit!
Corv.'Las,goodgentleman1Howpitifulthesightis!
Mos.Tut!forget,sir.
TheweepingofanheirshouldstillbelaughterUnderavisor.
Corv.Why,amIhisheir?
Mos.Sir,Iamsworn,ImaynotshewthewillTillhebedead;butherehasbeenCorbaccio,HerehasbeenVoltore,herewereotherstoo,Icannotnumber'em,theyweresomany;Allgapinghereforlegacies:butI,Takingthevantageofhisnamingyou,SigniorCorvino,SigniorCorvino,tookPaper,andpen,andink,andthereIaskedhim,Whomhewrouldhavehisheir?Corvino.WiioShouldbeexecutor?Corvino.And,Toanyquestionhewassilentto,Istillinterpretedthenodshemade,
Throughweakness,forconsent:andsenthometh'others,Nothingbequeath'dthem,buttocryandcurse.
Corv.O,mydearMosca![Theyembrace.]Doeshenotperceiveu-?
Mos.Nomorethanablindharper.Heknowsnoman,Nofaceoffriend,nornameofanyservant,Who'twasthatfedhimlast,orgavehimdrink:Notthosehehathbegotten,orbroughtup,Canheremember.
Corv.Hashechildren?
Mos.Bastards,
Somedozen,ormore,thathebegotonbesz^nr^,Gypsies,andJews,andl>Lirk-moors,whenhewasdrunk.Knewyounotthat,sir?'tisthecommonfable.Thedwarf,thefool,theeunuch,areallhis;He'sthetruefatherofhisfamily,Inall,saveme:—buthehasgivrnthemnothing.
Corv.That'swell,that'swell!Artsurehedoesnothearus?
Mos.Sure,sir!why,lookyou,credityourownsense.
[ShoutsinVoVsear.
Thepoxapproach,andaddtoyourdiseases,Ifitwouldsendyouhencethesooner,sir,Foryourincontinence,ithathdeserv'ditThoroughly,andthoroughly,andtheplaguetoboot!—Youmaycomenear,sir.—WouldyouwouldoncecloseThosefilthyeyesofyours,thatflowwithslime,Liketwofrog-pits;andthosesamehangingcheeks,Cover'dwithhideinsteadofskin—Nay,help,sir—Thatlooklikefrozendish-cloutssetonend1
Corv.[aloud.]Orlikeanoldsmokedwall,onwhichtherainRandowninstreaks!
Mos.Excellent,sir!speakout:Youmaybelouderyet;aculverinDischargedinhisearwouldhardlyboreit.
Corv.Hisnoseislikeacommonsewer,stillrunning.
Mos.'Tisgood!Andwhathismouth?
Corv.Averydraught.
Mos.0,stopitup—
Corv.Bynomeans.
Mos.'Prayyou,letme:FaithIcouldstiflehimrarelywithapillow,Aswellasanywomanthatshouldkeephim.
Corv.Doasyouwill;butI'llbegone.
Mos.Beso:Itisyourpresencemakeshimlastsolong.
Corv.Iprayyou,usenoviolence.
Mos.No,sir!why?Whyshouldyoubethusscrupulous,prayyou,sir?
Corv.Nay,atyourdiscretion.
Mos.Well,goodsir,begone.
Corv.Iwillnottroublehimnow,totakemypearl.
Mos.Puh!noryourdiamond.WhataneedlesscareIsthisafflictsyou?Isnotallhereyours?AmnotIhere,whomyouhavemadeyourcreature?Thatowemybeingtoyou?
Corv.GratefulMosca!
Thouartmyfriend,myfellow,mycompanion,Mypartner,andshaltshareinallmyfortunes.
Mos.Exceptingone.
Corv.What'sthat?
Mos.Yourgallantwife,sir,—[ExitCorv.
Nowishegone:wehadnoothermeansToshoothimhence,butthis.
Volp.MydivineMosca!
Thouhastto-dayoutgonethyself.[Knockingwithin.]—Who'sthere?Iwillbetroubledwithnomore.PrepareMemusic,dances,banquets,alldelights;
TheTurkisnotmoresensualinhispleasures,
ThanwillVolpone.[ExitMos.]Letmesee;apearl!
Adiamond!plate!chequines!Goodmorning'spurchase.
Why,thisisbetterthanrobchurches,yet;
Orfat,byeating,onceamonth,aman—
Re-enterMOSCA.
Whois't?
Mos.ThebeauteousladyWould-be,sir.WifetotheEnglishknight,sirPolitickWould-be,(Thisisthestyle,sir,isdirectedme,)Hathsenttoknowhowyouhavesleptto-night,Andifyouwouldbevisited?
Volp.Notnow:Somethreehourshence—
Mos.Itoldthesquiresomuch.
Volp.WhenIamhighwithmirthandwine;then,then:'Foreheaven,IwonderatthedesperatevalourOftheboldEnglish,thattheydareletlooseTheirwivestoallencounters!
Mos.Sir,thisknight
Hadnothisnamefornothing,heispolitick,Andknows,howe'erhiswifeaffectstrangeairs,Shehathnotyetthefacetobedishonest:ButhadshesigniorCorvino'swife'sface—
Volp.Hasshesorareaface?
Mos.0,air,thewonder,TheblazingstarofItaly!awenchOfthefirstyear!abeautyripeasharvest!Whoseskiniswhiterthanaswanallover,Thansilver,snow,orlilies!asoftlip,Wouldtemptyoutoeternityofkissing!Andfleshthatmeltethinthetouchtoblood!Brightasyourgold,andlovelyasyourgold!
Volp.WhyhadnotIknownthisbefore?
Mos.Alas,sir,Myselfbutyesterdaydiscover'dit.
Volp.HowmightIseeher?
Mos.0,notpossible;She'skeptaswarilyasisyourgold;Neverdoescomeabroad,nevertakesair,Butatawindow.Allherlooksaresweet,Asthefirstgrapesorcherries,andarewatch'dAsnearastheyare.
Volp.Imustseeher.
M»s.Sir,
Thereisaguardofspiestenthickuponher,Allhiswholehousehold;eachofwhichissetUponhisfellow,andhavealltheircharge,
Whenhegoesout,whenhecomesin,examined.
Volp.Iwillgoseeher,thoughbutatherwindow.
Mos.Insomedisguise,then.
Volp.Thatistrue;ImustMaintainmineownshapestillthesame:we'llthink,[Exeunt.
ACTII
SCENEI.—ST.MARK'SPLACE;aretiredcornerbefore
CORVTNO'SHouse.
EnterSirPOLITICKWOULD-BE,andPEREGRINE.
SirP.Sir,toawiseman,alltheworld'shissoil:ItisnotItaly,norFrance,norEurope,Thatmustboundme,ifmyfatescallmeforth.Yet,Iprotest,itisnosaltdesireOfseeingcountries,shiftingareligion,NoranydisaffectiontothestateWhereIwasbred,anduntowhichIoweMydearestplots,hathbroughtmeout;muchless,Thatidle,antique,stale,gray-headedprojectOfknowingmen'smindsandmanners,withUlysses!Butapeculiarhumourofmywife'sLaidforthisheightofVenice,toobserve,Toquote,tolearnthelanguage,andsoforth—Ihopeyoutravel,sir,withlicense?
Per.Yes.
SirP.IdarethesafelierconverseHowlong,sir,
SinceyouleftEngland?
Per.Sevenweeks.
SirP.Solately!Youhavenotbeenwithmylordambassador?
Per.Notyet,sir.
SirP.Prayyou,whatnews,sir,ventsourclimate?IheardlastnightamoststrangethingreportedBysomeofmylord'sfollowers,andIlongTohearhow'twillbeseconded.
Per.Whatwas't,sir?
SirP.Marry,sir,ofaraventhatshouldbuildInashiproyaloftheking's.
Per.Thisfellow,Doeshegullme,trow?orisgull'd?[Aside.]Yourname,sir.
SirP.MynameisPolitickWould-be.
Per.0,thatspeakshim.—[Aside.]Aknight,sir?
SirP.Apoorknight,sir.
Per.YourladyLieshereinVenice,forintelligence
Oftires,andfashions,andbehaviour,
Amongthecourtezans?thetineladyWould-be?
SirP.Yes,sir;thespiderandthebee,ofttiines,Suckfromoneflower.
Per.GoodsirPolitick,
Icryyoumercy;Ihaveheardmuchofyou:'Tistrue,sir,ofyourraven.
SirP.Onyourknowledge?
Per.Yes,andyourlion'swhelpingintheTower.
SirP.Anotherwhelp!
Per.Another,sir.
SirP.Nowheaven!
Whatprodigiesbethese?ThefiresatBerwick!Andthenewstar!thesethingsconcurring,strange,Andfullofomen!Sawyouthosemeteors?
Per.Idid,sir.
SirP.Fearful!Prayyou,sir,confirmme,Weretherethreeporpoisesseenabovethebridge,Astheygiveout?
Per.Six,andasturgeon,sir.
SirP.Iamastonish'd.
Per.Nay,sir,benotso;I'lltellyouagreaterprodigythanthese.
SirP.Whatshouldthesethingsportend?
Per.Theveryday
(Letmebesure)thatIputforthfromLondon,Therewasawhalediscover'dintheriver,AshighasWoolwich,thathadwaitedthere,Fewknowhowmanymonths,forthesubversionOftheStodefleet.
SirP.Is'tpossible?believeit,'TwaseithersentfromSpain,orthearchdukes:Spinola'swhale,uponmylife,mycredit!Willtheynotleavetheseprojects?Worthysir,Someothernews.
Per.Faith,Stonethefoolisdead,Andtheydolackatavernfoolextremely.
SirP.IsMassStonedead?
Per.He'sdead,sir;why,IhopeYouthoughthimnotimmortal?—0,thisknight,\\Vrehewellknown,wouldbeapreciousthingTofitourEnglishstage:hethatshouldwriteButsucliafellow,shouldbethoughttofei.L'nKxtremely,ifnotmaliciously.[
N/rP.Stonedead!
Per.Dead.—Lord!howdeeply,sir,youapprehendit?Hewasnokinsmantoyou?
SirP.ThatIknowof.Well!thatsamefellmvwasanunknownfool.
Per.Andyetyouknewhim,itseems?SirP.Ididso.Sir,
IknewhimoneofthemostdangerousheadsLivingwithinthestate,andsoIheldhim.Per.Indeed,sir?SirP.Whilehelived,inaction.Hehasreceivedweeklyintelligence,Uponmyknowledge,outoftheLowCountries,Forallpartsoftheworld,incabbages;Andthosedispensedagaintoambassadors,Inoranges,musk-melons,apricocks,Lemons,pome-citrons,andsuch-like;sometimesInColchesteroysters,andyourSelseycockles.Per.Youmakemewonder.SirP.Sir,uponmyknowledge.Nay,I'veobservedhim,atyourpublicordinary,Takehisadvertisementfromatraveller,Aconceal'dstatesman,inatrencherofmeat;Andinstantly,beforethemealwasdone,Conveyananswerinatooth-pick.
Per.Strange!Howcouldthisbe,sir?
SirP.Why,themeatwascutSolikehischaracter,andsolaid,asheMusteasilyreadthecipher.
Per.Ihaveheard,Hecouldnotread,sir.
SirP.So'twasgivenout,Inpolicy,bythosethatdidemployhim:Buthecouldread,andhadyourlanguages,Andto't,assoundanoddle—
Per.Ihaveheard,sir,
Thatyourbaboonswerespies,andthattheywereAkindofsubtlenationneartoChina.
SirP.Ay,ay,yourMamaluchi.Faith,theyhadTheirhandinaFrenchplotortwo;buttheyWeresoextremelygiventowomen,asTheymadediscoveryofall:yetIHadmyadviceshere,onWednesdaylast.Fromoneoftheirowncoat,theywerereturn'd,Madetheirrelations,asthefashionis,Andnowstandfairforfreshemployment.
Per.'Heart!
ThissirPolwillbeignorantofnothing.[Aside.
Itseems,sir,youknowall.
SirP.Notall,sir,butIhavesomegeneralnotions.IdoloveTonoteandtoobserve:thoughIliveout,Freefromtheactivetorrent,yetI'dmark
Thecurrentsandthepassagesofthings,
Formineownprivateuse;andknowtheebbs
AndHowsofstate.
Per.Believeit,sir,IholdMyselfinnosmalltieuntomyfortunes,F<>rcastingmethusluckilyuponyou,Whoseknowledge,ifyourbountyequalit,Maydomegreatassistance,ininstructionFormybehaviour,andmybearing,whichIsyetsorudeandraw.
SirP.Why,cameyouforthEmptyofrulesfortravel?
Per.Faith,Ihad
Somecommonones,fromoutthatvulgargrammar,WhichhethatcriedItaliantome,taughtme.
SirP.Whythisitisthatspoilsallourbravebloods,Trustingourhopefulgentryuntopedants,Fellowsofoutside,andmerebark.YouseemTobeagentleman,ofingenuousrace:—Inotprofessit,butmyfatehathbeenTobe,whereIhavebeenconsultedwith,Inthishighkind,touchingsomegreatmen'ssons,Personsofbloodandhonour.—
EnterMOSCAandNANOdisguised,followedbypersonswithmaterialsforerectingaStage.
Per.Whobethese,sir?
lfos.Underthatwindow,there'tmustbe.Thesame.
SirP.Fellows,tomountabank.DidyourinstructorInthedeartongues,neverdiscoursetoyouOftheItalianmountebanks?
Per.Yes,sir.
SirP.Why,Hereyoushallseeone.
Per.Theyarequacksalvers;Fellows,thatlivebyventingoilsanddrutzs.
SirP.Wasthatthecharacterhegaveyouofthem?
Per.AsIremember.
SirP.Pityhisignorance.TheyaretheonlyknowingmenofEurope!Greatgeneralscholars,excellentphysicians,Mostadmiredstatesmen,profestfavourites,Andcabinetcounsellorstothegreatestprinces;Theonlylanguagedmenofalltheworld!
Per.And,Ihaveheard,theyaremostlewdimpostors;Madealloftermsandshreds;nolessbeliersOfgreatmen'sfavours,thantheirownvilemed'cines;\Vhirhtheywillutteruponmonstrousoaths:Sellingthatdrugfortwo-pence,eretheypart,
Whichtheyhavevaluedattwelvecrownsbefore.
SirP.Sir,calumniesareanswer'dbestwithsilence.Yourselfshalljudge.—Whoisitmounts,myfriends?
Mos.ScotoofMantua,sir.
SirP.Is'the?Nay,thenI'llproudlypromise,sir,youshallbeholdAnothermanthanhasbeenphant'siedtoyou.Iwonderyet,thatheshouldmounthisbank,Hereinthisnook,thathasbeenwontt'appearInfaceofthePiazza!—Herehecomes.
EnterVOLPONE,disguisedasamountebankDoctor,andfollowed
byacrowdofpeople.
Volp.Mount,zany,[toNano.]
Mob.Follow,follow,follow,follow!
SirP.Seehowthepeoplefollowhim!he'samanMaywritetenthousandcrownsinbankhere.Note,
[VolponemountstheStage.Markbuthisgesture:—IdousetoobserveThestatehekeepsingettingup.
Per.'Tisworthit,sir.
Volp.Mostnoblegentlemen,andmyworthypatrons!Itmayseemstrange,thatI,yourScotoMantuano,whowaseverwonttofixmybankinfaceofthepublicPiazza,neartheshelterofthePorticototheProcuratia,shouldnow,aftereightmonths'absencefromthisillustriouscityofVenice,humblyretiremyselfintoanobscurenookofthePiazza.
SirP.DidnotInowobjectthesame?
Per.Peace,sir.
Volp.Letmetellyou:Iamnot,asyourLombardproverbsaith,coldonmyfeet;orcontenttopartwithmycommoditiesatacheaperrate,thanIaccustomed:looknotforit.Northatthecalumniousreportsofthatimpudentdetractor,andshametoourprofession,(AlessandroButtone,Imean,)whogaveout,inpublic,Iwascondemned
asforzatotothegalleys,forpoisoningthecardinalBembo'scook,
hathatallattached,muchlessdejectedme.No,no,worthygentlemen;totellyoutrue,Icannotenduretoseetherabbleofthesegroundciar-litani,thatspreadtJieircloaksonthepavement,asiftheymeanttodofeatsofactivity,andthencomeinlamely,withtheirmouldytalesoutofBoccacio,likestaleTabarine,thefabulist:someofthemdiscoursingtheirtravels,andoftheirtediouscaptivityintheTurks'gallies,when,indeed,werethetruthknown,theyweretheChristians'1gallies,whereverytemperatelytheyeatbread,anddrunkwater,asawholesomepenance,enjoinedthembytheirconfessors,forbasepilferies.
SirP.Notebuthisbearing,andcontemptofthese.
Volp.Theseturdy-facy-nasty-paty-lousy-farticalrogues,withonepoorgroans-worthofunpreparedantimony,finelywraptupinseveralscartoccios,areable,verywell,tokilltheirtwentyaweek,andplay;yet,thesemeagre,starvedspirits,whohavehalfstopttheorgansoftheirmindswithearthyoppilations,wantnottheirfavourersamong
yourshrirclVdsallad-eatingartisans,whoareoverjoyedthattheymayhavetheirhalf-pe'rthofphysic;thoughitpurgethemintoanotherworld,itmakesnomatter.
SirP.Excellent!haveyouheardbetterlanguage,sir?
Volp.Well,letthemgo.And,gentlemen,honourablegentlemen,know,thatforthistime,ourbank,beingthusremovedfromtheclamoursofthecanaglia,shallbethesceneofpleasureanddelight;forIhavenothingtosell,littleornothingtosell.
SirP.Itoldyou,sir,hisend.
Per.Youdidso,sir.
Volp.Iprotest,I,andmysixservants,arenotabletomakeofthispreciousliquor,sofastasitisfetctidawayfrommylodgingbygentlemenofyourcity;strangersoftheTerra-finna;worshipfulmerchants;ay,andsenatorstoo:who,eversincemyarrival,havedetainedmeto
tlinruses,bytheirsplendidousliberalities.Andworthily;for,whatavailsyourrichmantohavehismagazinesstuftwithmoscadelli,orofthepurestgrape,whenhisphysiciansprescribehim,onpainofdeath,todrinknothingbutwatercodedwithaniseeds?0,health!health!theblessingoftherich/therichesofthepoor!whocanbuytheeattoodeararate,sincethereisnoenjoyingthisworldwithoutthee?Benotthensosparingofyourpurses,honourablegentlemen,astoabridgethenaturalcourseoflife—
Per.Youseehisend.
SirP.Ay,is'tnotgood?
Volp.For,whenahumidflux,orcatarrh,bythemutabilityofair,fallsfromyourheadintoanarmorshoulder,oranyotherpart;takeyouaducket,oryourchequinofgold,andapplytotheplaceaffected:seewhatgoodeffectitcanwork.No,no,'tisthisblessedunguento,thisrareextraction,thathathonlypowertodisperseaUmalignanthumours,thatproceedeitherofhot,cold,moist,orwindycauses—
Per.Iwouldhehadputindrytoo.
SirP.'Prayyou,observe.
Volp.Tofortifythemostindigestandcrudestomach,ay,wereitofonethat,throughextremeweakness,vomitedblood,api>I>/ingonlyawarmnapkintotheplace,aftertheunctionandfricace;—forthevertigineinthehead,puttingbutadropintoyournostrils,likewisebehindtheears;amostsovereignandapprovedremedy:thematcaduco,cramps,convulsions,paralysies,epilepsies,tremor-cordia,retiru!nerves,illvapoursofthespleen,stoppingoftheliver,thestone,thestrangury,herniaventosa,iliacapassio;stopsadysenteriaimmediately;easeththetorsionofthesmallguts;andcuresmelanrh<Iinfiupondriaca,beingtakenandappliedaccordingtomyprintedreceipt.[Pointingtohisbillandhisvial.]For,thisisthephysician^thistJ/crnfdicine;thiscounsels,thiscures;thisgivesthedirection,tJtixirarkxtheeffect;and,insum,butft,togethermaybetermedanabstract<,fiJ/rtheorickandprartickinthe.Kxcvlui>ianart.'Twillcostyoueightcrowns.And,—ZanFritada,pritheesingaterseextemporeinhonourofit.
SirP.Howdoyoulikehim,sir?
Per.Moststrangely,I!SirP.Isnothislanguagerare?Per.Butalchemy,Ineverheardthelike;orBroughton'sbooks.
NANOsings.
HadoldHippocrates,orGalen,
Thattotheirbooksputmed'cinesallin,
Butknownthissecret,theyhadnever
(Ofwhichtheywillbeguiltyever)
Beenmurderersofsomuchpaper,
Orwastedmanyahurtlesstaper;
NoIndiandrughade'erbeenfamed,
Tobacco,sassafrasnotnamed;
Neyet,ofguacumonesmallstick,sir,
NorRaymundLully'sgreatelixir.
NehadbeenknowntheDanishGonswart,
OrParacelsus,withhislongsword.
Per.Allthis,yet,willnotdo;eightcrownsishigh.
Volp.Nomore.—Gentlemen,ifIhadbuttimetodiscoursetoyouthemiraculouseffectsofthismyoil,surnamedOgliodelScoto;withthecountlesscatalogueofthoseIhavecuredoftheaforesaid,andmanymorediseases;thepatentsandprivilegesofalltheprincesandcommonwealthsofChristendom;orbutthedepositionsofthosethatappearedonmypart,beforethesignioryoftheSanitaandmostlearnedCollegeofPhysicians;whereIwasauthorised,uponnoticetakenoftheadmirablevirtuesofmymedicaments,andmineownexcellencyinmatterofrareandunknownsecrets,notonlytodispersethempubliclyinthisfamouscity,butinalltheterritories,thathappilyjoyunderthegovernmentofthemostpiousandmagnificentstatesofItaly.Butmaysomeothergallantfellowsay,0,therebediversthatmakeprofessiontohaveasgood,andasexperimentedreceiptsasyours:indeed,verymanyhaveassayed,likeapes,inimitationoftJiat,whichisreallyandessentiallyinme,tomakeofthisoil;bestowedgreatcostinfurnaces,stills,alembecks,continualfires,andpreparationoftheingredients,(asindeedtheregoestoitsixhundredseveralsimples,besidessomequantityofhumanfat,fortheconglutination,whichwebuyoftheanatomists,}but,whenthesepractitionerscometothelastdecoction,blow,blow,puff,puff,andallfliesinfumo:ha,ha,ha!Poorwretches!Iratherpitytheirfollyandindiscretion,thantheirlossoftimeandmoney;forthesemayberecoveredbyindustry:buttobeafoolborn,isadiseaseincurable.
Formyself,Ialwaysfrommyyouthhaveendeavouredtogettherarestsecrets,andbookthem,eitherinexchange,orformoney:Isparednorcostnorlabour,whereanythingwasworthytobelearned.And,gentlemen,honourablegentlemen,Iwillundertake,byvirtueofchemicalart,outoftheJionourablehatthatcoversyourhead,toextractthefourelements;thatistosay,thefire,air,water,andearth,and
returnyouyourfeltwithoutburnorstain.For,whilstothershavebeenattheBalloo,Iliavebeenatmybook;andamnowpastthecraggypathsofstudy,andcometothefloweryplainsofhonourandreputation.
SirP.Idoassureyou,sir,thatishisaim.
Volp.Buttoourprice—
Per.Andthatwithal,sirPol.
Volp.Youallknow,honourablegentlemen,Inrrrrvaluedthisampulla,orvial,atlessthaneightcrowns;butforthistime,Iamcontenttobedeprivedofitforsix:sixcrownsistheprice,andlessincourtesyIknowyoucannotofferme;takeitorleaveit,howsoever,bothitandIamatyourservice.Iaskyounotasthevalueofthething,forthenIshoulddemandofyouathousandcrowns,sothecardinalsMontalto,Fernese,thegreatDukeofTuscany,mygossip,withdiversotherprinces,havegivenme;butIdespisemoney.Onlytoshewmyaffectiontoyou,honourablegentlemen,andyourillustrious^tutehere,Ihaveneglectedthemessagesoftheseprinces,mineownoffices,framedmyjourneyhither,onlytopresentyouwiththefruitsofmytravels.—Tuneyourvoicesoncemoretothetouchofyourinstruments,andgivethehonourableassemblysomedelightfulrecreation.
Per.WhatmonstrousandmostpainfulcircumstanceTshere,togetsomethreeorfourgazettes,Somethree-penceinthewhole!forthat'twillcometo.
NANOsings.
Youthatwouldlastlong,listtomysong,Makenomorecoil,butbuyofthisoil.Wouldyoubeeverfairandyoung?Stoutofteeth,andstrongoftongue?Tartofpalate?quickofear?Sharpofsight?ofnostrilclear??>!(listofhand?andlightoffoot?Or,Iwillcomenearerto't,Wouldyoulivefreefromalldiseases?Dotheactyourmistresspleases,Yetfrightallachesfromyourbones?Here'samedicineforthenones.
Volp.Well,Iaminahumouratthistimetomakeapresentofthesmallquantitymycoffercontains;totherichincourtesy,andtothepoorforGod'ssake.Whereforenowmark:Iaslc'dyousixcrowns;andsixcrowns,atothertimes,youhavepaidme;youshallnotgirrmesixcrowns,norfive,norfour,northree,nortwo,norone;norhalfaducat;no,noramoccinigo.Sixpenceitwillcostyou,orsixhundredpound—expectnolowerprice,for,hi/tin1bm^nTofmi/front,I-willnotbateabagatine,—tlmlIin'lll«ire,only,a}>I"/>/cofyourlores,tocarrysomethingfromamongstyou,toshewImnv>,tcontemn'dbyyou.Therefore,now,tossyourhandkerchiefs,rhrt//////>/,cheerfully;andbearlnrti*«l,tl<atthefirstheroicspiritthatdeigns
tograce,mewithahandkerchief,Iwillgiveitalittleremembranceofsomething,beside,shallpleaseitbetter,thanifIhadpresenteditwithadoublepistolet.
Per.Willyoubethatheroicspark,sirPol?
[Celiaatawindowabove,throwsdownherhandkerchief.O,see!thewindowhaspreventedyou.
Volp.Lady,Ikissyourbounty;andforthistimelygraceyouhavedoneyourpoorScotoofMantua,Iwillreturnyou,overandabovemyoil,asecretofthathighandinestimablenature,shallmakeyouforeverenamouredonthatminute,whereinyoureyefirstdescendedonsomean,yetnotaltogethertobedespised,anobject.Hereisapowderconcealedinthispaper,
ofwhich,ifIshouldspeaktotheworth,ninethousandvolumeswerebutasonepage,thatpageasaline,thatlineasaword;soshortisthispilgrimageofman(ivhichsomecalllife)totheexpressingofit.WouldIreflectontheprice?why,thewholeworldisbutasanempire,thatempireasaprovince,thatprovinceasabank,thatbankasaprivatepursetothepurchaseofit.Iwillonlytellyou;itisthepowderthatmadeVenusagoddess(givenherbyApollo,)thatkeptherperpetuallyyoung,clearedherwrinkles,firmedhergums,fiirdherskin,colouredherhair;fromherderivedtoHelen,andatthesackofTroyunfortunatelylost:tillnow,inthisourage,itwasashappilyrecovered,byastudiousantiquary,outofsomeruinsofAsia,whosentamoietyofittothecourtofFrance,(butmuchsophisticated,)wherewiththeladiesthere,now,colourtheirhair.Therest,atthispresent,remainswithme;extractedtoaquintessence:sothat,whereveritbuttouches,inyouthitperpetuallypreserves,inagerestoresthecomplexion;seatsyourteeth,didtheydancelikevirginaljacks,firmasawall;makesthemwhiteasivory,thatwereblackas—
EnterCORVINO.
Cor.Spighto'thedevil,andmyshame!comedownhere;Comedown;—Nohousebutminetomakeyourscene?SigniorFlaminio,willyoudown,sir?down?What,ismywifeyourFranciscina,sir?NowindowsonthewholePiazza,here,Tomakeyourproperties,butmine?butmine?
[BeatsawayVolpone,Nano,etc.Heart!ereto-morrowIshallbenew-christen'd,Andcall'dthePantalonediBesogniosi,Aboutthetown.
Per.Whatshouldthismean,sirPol?
SirP.Sometrickofstate,believeit;Iwillhome.
Per.Itmaybesomedesignonyou.
SirP.Iknownot,I'llstanduponmyguard.
Per.Itisyourbest,sir.
SirP.Thisthreeweeks,allmyadvices,allmyletters,Theyhavebeenintercepted.
Per.Indeed,sir!Besthaveacare.
SirP.Nay,soIwill.
Per.Thisknight,Imaynotlosehim,formymirth,tillnight.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—ARoominVOT.PONE'SHouse.EnterVOLPONEandMOSCA.
Volp.0,Iamwounded!
Mos.Where,sir?
Volp.Notwithout;
Thoseblowswerenothing:Icouldbearthemever.ButangryCupid,boltingfromhereyes,Hathshothimselfintomelikeaflame;\Yhere,now,heflingsabouthisburningheat,Asinafurnaceanambitiousfire,Whoseventisstopt.Thefightisallwithinme.1cannotlive,exceptthouhelpme,Mosca;Mylivermelts,andI,withoutthehopeOfsomesoftair,fromherrefreshingbreath,Ambutaheapofcinders.
Mos.'Las,goodsir,Wouldyouhadneverseenher!
Volp.Nay,wouldthouHad'stnevertoldmeofher!
Mos.Sir,'tistrue;IdoconfessIwasunfortunate.Andyouunhappy:butI'mboundinconscience,Xolessthanduty,toeffectmybestToyourreleaseoftorment,andIwill,sir.
Volp.DearMosca,shallIhope?
Mos.Sir,morethandear,IwillnotbidyoutodespairofaughtWitliinahumancompass.
Volp.O,therespokeMybetterangel.Mosca,takemykey?.Gold,plate,andjewels,all'satthydevotion;Employthemhowthouwilt;nay,coinmet->r>:Sothou,inthis,butcrownmylongings,Mo.,i.
J/os.I"-cbutyourpatience.
Volp.SoIhave.
Mos.IdoubtnotTobringsuccesstoyourdesires.
Volp.Nay,then,Inotrepentmeofmy!•<!<•disguise.
.V<«.Ify«mcanhornhim,sir,youneednot.
Vnlp.True:Besides,Inevermeanthimformyheir.—
IsnotthecolourofmybeardandeyebrowsTomakemeknown?
Mos.Nojot.
Volp.Ididitwell.
Mos.Sowell,wouldIcouldfollowyouinmine,Withhalfthehappiness!—andyetIwouldEscapeyourepilogue.[Aside.
Volp.Butweretheygull'dWithabeliefthatIwasScoto?
Mos.Sir,
Scotohimselfcouldhardlyhavedistinguish'd!Ihavenottimetonatteryounow;we'llpart;AndasIprosper,soapplaudmyart.[Exeunt.
SCENEIII.—ARoominCORVINO'SHouse.EnterCORVINO,withhisswordinhishand,dragginginCELIA.
Corv.Deathofminehonour,withthecity'sfool!Ajuggling,tooth-drawing,pratingmountebank!Andatapublicwindow!where,whilsthe,Withhisstrain'daction,andhisdoleoffaces,Tohisdrug-lecturedrawsyouritchingears,Acrewofold,unmarried,notedletchers,Stoodleeringuplikesatyrs;andyousmileMostgraciously,andfanyourfavoursforth,Togiveyourhotspectatorssatisfaction!What,wasyourmountebanktheircall?theirwhistle?Orwereyouenamour'donhiscopperrings,Hissaffronjewel,withthetoad-stonein't,Orhisembroider'dsuit,withthecope-stitch,Madeofahersecloth?orhisoldtilt-feather?Orhisstarch'dbeard?Well,youshallhavehim,yes!Heshallcomehome,andministeruntoyouThefricaceforthemother.Or,letmesee,Ithinkyou'drathermount;wouldyounotmount?Why,ifyou'llmount,youmay;yes,truly,youmay:Andsoyoumaybeseen,downtothefoot.Getyouacittern,ladyVanity,Andbeadealerwiththevirtuousman;Makeone:I'llbutprotestmyselfacuckold,Andsaveyourdowry.I'maDutchman,I!For,ifyouthoughtmeanItalian,Youwouldbedamn'd,ereyoudidthis,youwhore!Thou'dsttremble,toimagine,thatthemurderOffather,mother,brother,allthyrace,Shouldfollow,asthesubjectofmyjustice.
Cel.Goodsir,havepatience.
Corv.WhatcouldstthouproposeLesstothvseJf,thaninthisheatofwrath
Andstuns;withmydishonour,IshouldstrikeThissteefintothee,-withasmanystabs,Asthouwertgaz'duponwithgoatisheyes?
Cel.Alas,sir,beappeased!IcouldnotthinkMybeingatthewindowshouldmorenowMoveyourimpatience,thanatothertimes.
Corv.Xo!nottoseekandentertainaparleyWithaknownknave,beforeamultitude!Youwereanactorwithyourhandkerchief,Whichhemostsweetlykistinthereceipt,Andmight,nodoubt,returnitwithaletter,Andpointtheplacewhereyoumightmeet;yoursister's,Yourmother's,oryouraunt'smightservetheturn.
Cel.Why,dearsir,whendoImaketheseexcuses,Oreverstirabroad,buttothechurch?Andthatsoseldom—
Corv.Well,itshallbeless;Andthyrestraintbeforewasliberty.TowhatInowdecree:andthereforemarkme.First,Iwillhavethisbawdylightdamm'dup;Andtill'tbedone,sometwoorthreeyardsoff,I'llchalkaline:o'erwhichifthoubutchanceTosetthydesperatefoot,morehell,morehorror,Morewildremorselessrageshallseizeonthee,Thanonaconjuror,thathadheedlessleftHiscircle'ssafetyerehisdevilwaslaid.Thenhere'salockwhichIwillhanguponthee,And,nowIthinkon't,Iwillkeeptheebackward':Thylodgingshallbebackwards;thywalksbackwards;Thyprospect,allbebackwards;andnopleasure,Thatthoushaltknowbutbackwards:nay,sinceyouforceMyhonestnature,know,itisyourown,Beingtooopen,makesmeuseyouthus:SinceyouwillnotcontainyoursubtlenostrilsInasweetroom,buttheymustsnufftheair
Ofrankandsweatypassengers.[Knockingwithin.]—Oneknocks.Away,andbenotseen,painofthylife;Norlooktowardthewindow:ifthoudost—Xay,stay,hearthis—letmenotprosper,whore,ButIwillmaketheeananatomy,Dissecttheemineownself,andreadalectureUpontheetothecity,andinpublic.Away!—{ExitCelia.
J^nterServant.Who'sthere?
Serv.'TissiirniorMosca.sir.
Corv.Lethimcomein.\_E.<itN»rr.]Hismaster'sdead:there's
yetSomegoodtohelpthe1>id.
EnterMOSCA.
MyMosca,welcome1Iguessyournews.
Mos.Ifearyoucannot,sir.
Corv.Is'tnothisdeath?
Mas.Ratherthecontrary.
Corv.Nothisrecovery?
Mos.Yes,sir.
Corv.Iamcurs'd,
Iambewitch'd,mycrossesmeettovexme.How?how?how?how?
Mos.Why,sir,withScoto'soil;CorbaccioandVoltorebroughtofit,WhilstIwasbusyinaninnerroom—
Corv.Death!thatdamn'dmountebank;butforthelawNow,Icouldkilltherascal:itcannotbe,Hisoilshouldhavethatvirtue.HavenotIKnownhimacommonrogue,comefidlinginTotheosteria,withatumblingwhore,And,whenhehasdoneallhisforcedtricks,beengladOfapoorspoonfulofdeadwine,withfliesin't?Itcannotbe.AllhisingredientsAreasheep'sgall,aroastedbitch'smarrow,Somefewsodearwigs,poundedcaterpillars,Alittlecapon'sgrease,andfastingspittle:Iknowthemtoadram.
Mos.Iknownot,sir;
Butsomeon't,there,theypour'dintohisears,Someinhisnostrils,andrecover'dhim;Applyingbutthefricace.
Corv.Poxo'thatfricace!
Mos.Andsince,toseemthemoreofficiousAndflatt'ringofhishealth,there,theyhavehad,
Atextremefees,thecollegeofphysiciansConsultingonhim.howtheymightrestorehim;Whereonewouldhaveacataplasmofspices,Anotheraflay'dapeclapp'dtohisbreast,Athirdwouldhaveitadog,afourthanoil,Withwildcats'skins:atlast,theyallresolvedThat,topreservehim,wasnoothermeans,Butsomeyoungwomanmustbestraightsoughtout,Lusty,andfullofjuice,tosleepbyhim;Andtothisservice,mostunhappily,Andmostunwillingly,amInowemploy'd,WhichhereIthoughttopre-acquaintyouwith,Foryouradvice,sinceitconcernsyoumost;Because,IwouldnotdothatthingmightcrossYourends,onwhomIhavemywholedependance,sir:
Yet,ifIdoitnot,theymaydelate
Myslacknesstomypatron,workmeout
Ofhisopinion;andthereallyourhopes,
Ventures,orwhatsoever,areallfrustrate!
Idobuttellyou,sir.Besides,theyareall
Nowstriving,whoshallfirstpresenthim;therefore—
Icouldentreatyou,brieflyconcludesomewhat;
Preventthemifyoucan.
Corv.Deathtomyhopes,Thisismyvillainousfortune!BesttohireSomecommoncourtezan.
Mos.Ay,Ithoughtonthat,sir;Buttheyareallsosubtle,fullofart—Andageagaindotingandflexible,Soas—Icannottell—wemay,perchance,Lightonaqueanmaycheatusall.
Corv.'Tistrue.
Mos.No,no:itmustbeonethathasnotricks,sir,Somesimplething,acreaturemadeuntoit;Somewenchyoumaycommand.Haveyounokinswoman?Odso—Think,think,think,think,think,think,think,sir.Oneo'thedoctorsoffer'dtherehisdaughter.
Corv.How!
Mos,Yes,signiorLupo,thephysician.
Corv.Hisdaughter!
Mos.Andavirgin,sir.Why,alas,Heknowsthestateof8body,whatitis;Thatnoughtcanwarmhisblood,sir,butafever;Noranyincantationraisehisspirit:Alongforgetfulnesshathseizedthatpart.Besidessir,whoshallknowit?someoneortwo—
Corv.Ipraytheegivemeleave.[Walksaside.]IfanymanButIhadhadthisluck—Thethingin'tself,Iknow,isnothing—WhereforeshouldnotIAswellcommandmybloodandmy
affections,Asthisdulldoctor?Inthepointofhonour,Thecasesarealloneofwifeanddaughter.
Mos.Ihearhkncoming.[.\side.
Corv.Sheshalldo't:'tisdone.Slight!ifthisdoctor,whoisnotengnporl,Unless'tbeforhiscounsel,whichisnothOfferhisdaughter,whatshouldI,thatamSodeeplyin?Iwillpreventhim:Wretch!Covetouswretch!—Mosca,Ihavedetermined.
M"*.How,sir?
Corv.We'llmakenilsure.ThepartyyouwotofShallbomineownwife,.\!<»ca.
Mos.Sir.thethin'j,Butthat1wo-iMID?seemtocounselv«>n.
Ishouldhavemotion'dtoyou,atthefirst:
Andmakeyourcount,youhavecutalltheirthroats.
Why,'tisdirectlytakingapossession!
Andinhisnextfit,wemaylethimgo.
'Tisbuttopullthepillowfromhishead,
Andheisthrottled:ithadbeendonebefore,
Butforyourscrupulousdoubts.
Corv.Ay,aplagueon't,
Myconsciencefoolsmywit!Well,I'llbebrief,Andsobethou,lesttheyshouldbebeforeus:Gohome,preparehim,tellhimwithwhatzealAndwillingnessIdoit;swearitwasOnthefirsthearing,asthoumay'stdo,truly,Mineownfreemotion.
Mos.Sir,Iwarrantyou,I'llsopossesshimwithit,thattherestOfhisstarv'dclientsshallbebanish'dall:Andonlyyoureceived.Butcomenot,sir,UntilIsend,foiIhavesomethingelseToripenforyourgood,youmustnotknow't.
Corv.Butdonotyouforgettosendnow.
Mos.Fearnot.[Exit.
Corv.Whereareyou,wife?myCelia!wife!
Re-enterCELIA.
—What,blubbering?
Come,drythosetears.Ithinkthouthought'stmeinearnest;Ha!bythislightItalk'dsobut
totrythee:MethinksthelightnessoftheoccasionShouldhaveconfirm'dthee.Come,Iamnotjealous.
Cd.No!
Corv.FaithIamnot,I,norneverwas;Itisapoorunprofitablehumour.DonotIknow,ifwomenhaveawill,They'lldo'gainstallthewatchesoftheworld,Andthatthefiercestspiesaretamedwithgold?Tut,Iamconfidentinthee,thoushaltsee't;AndseeI'llgivetheecausetoo,tobelieveit.Comekissme.Go,andmaketheeready,straight,Inallthybestattire,thychoicestjewels,Putthemallon,and,withthem,thybestlooks:Weareinvitedtoasolemnfeast,AtoldVolpone's,whereitshallappearHowfarIamfreefromjealousyorfear.[Exeunt.
ACTIII
SCENEI.—AStreet.EnterMOSCA.
Mos.Ifear,IshallbegintogrowinloveWithmydearself,andmymostprosperousparts,Theydosospringandburgeon;IcanfeelAwhimsyinmyblood:Iknownothow,Successhathmademewanton.IcouldskipOutofmyskin,now,likeasubtlesnake,Iamsolimber.0!yourparasiteIsamostpreciousthing,droptfromabove,Notbred'mongstclodsandclodpoles,hereonearth.Imuse,themysterywasnotmadeascience,Itissoliberallyprofest!almostAllthewiseworldislittleelse,innature,Butparasitesorsub-parasites.—Andyet,Imeannotthosethathaveyourbaretown-art,Toknowwho'sfittofeedthem;havenohouse,Nofamily,nocare,andthereforemouldTalesformen'sears,tobaitthatsense;orgetKitchen-invention,andsomestalereceiptsTopleasethebelly,andthegroin;northose,Withtheircourtdog-tricks,thatcanfawnandfleer,Maketheirrevenueoutoflegsandfaces,Echomylord,andlickawayamoth:Butyourfineelegantrascal,thatcanrise,Andstoop,almosttogether,likeanarrow;Shootthroughtheairasnimblyasastar;Turnshortasdothaswallow;andbehere.Andthere,andhere,andyonder,allatonce;Presenttoanyhumour,alloccasion;Andchangeavisor,swifterthanathought!Thisisthecreaturehadtheartbornwithhim;Toilsnottolearnit,butdothpractiseitOutofmostexcellentnature:andsuchsparksArethetrueparasites,othersbuttheirzanis.
EnterBONARTO.
Who'sthis?Bonario,oldCorbaccio'sson?ThepersonIwasboundtoseek.—Fairsir,Youarehappilymet.
Bon.Thatcannotbebythee.
Mos.Why,sir?
Bon.Nay,praythee,knowthyway,andleaveme:IwouldbelothtointerchangediscourseWithsuchamateasthouart.
Mos.Courteoussir,Scornnotmypoverty.
Bon.NotI,byheaven;Butthoushaltgivemeleavetohatethybaseness.
Mos.Baseness!
Bon.Ay;answerme,isnotthyslothSufficientargument?thyflattery?Thymeansoffeeding?
Mos.Heavenbegoodtome!Theseimputationsaretoocommon,sir,Andeasilystuckonvirtuewhenshe'spoor.Youareunequaltome,andhoweverYoursentencemayberighteous,yetyouarenotThat,ereyouknowme,thusproceedincensure:St.Markbearwitness'gainstyou,'tisinhuman.[Weeps.
Bon.What!doesheweep?thesignissoftandgood:IdorepentmethatIwassoharsh.[Aside.
Mos.'Tistrue,that,sway'dbystrongnecessity,IamenforcedtoeatmycarefulbreadWithtoomuchobsequy;'tistrue,beside,ThatIamfaintospinmineownpoorraimentOutofmymereobservance,beingnotbornToafreefortune:butthatIhavedoneBaseoffices,inrendingfriendsasunder,Dividingfamilies,betrayingcounsels,Whisperingfalselies,orminingmenwithpraises,Train'dtheircredulitywithperjuries,Corruptedchastity,oraminloveWithmineowntenderease,butwouldnotratherProvethemostrugged,andlaboriouscourse,Thatmightredeemmypresentestimation,Letmehereperish,inallhopeofgoodness.
Bon.Thiscannotbeapersonatedpassion.—[Aside.
Iwastoblame,sotomistakethynature;Prithee,forgiveme:andspeakoutthybusiness.
Mos.Sir,itconcernsyou;andthoughImayseem,Atfirsttomakeamainoffenceinmanners,Andinmygratitudeuntomymaster;Yet,forthepurelove,whichIbearallright,Andhatredofthewrong,Imustrevealit.ThisveryhouryourfatherisinpurposeTodisinherityou
Bon.How!
Mos.Andthrustyouforth,Asamerestrangertohisblood;'tistrue,sir,Theworknowayengagethme,but,asIclaimaninterestinthegeneralstateOfgoodnessandtruevirtue,whichIhearToaboundinyou:and,forwhichmererespect,
Withoutasecondaim,sir,Ihavedoneit.
Bon.ThistalehathlosttheemuchofthelatetrustThouhadstwithme;itisimpossible:Iknownothowtolenditanythought,Myfathershouldbesounnatural.
Mos.Itisaconfidencethatwellbecomes,Yourpiety;andforrn'd,nodoubt,itisI"rumyourownsimpleinnocence:whichmakesYourwrongmoremonstrousandabhorr'd.But,sir,Inowwilltellyoumore.Thisveryminute,Itis,orwillbedoing;and,ifyouShallbebutpleasedtogowithme,I'llbringyou,Idarenotsaywhereyoushallsee,butwhereYourearshallbeawitnessofthedeed;Hearyourselfwrittenbastard,andprofestThecommonissueoftheearth.
Bon.Iamamazed!
Mos.Sir,ifIdoitnot,drawyourjustsword,Andscoreyourvengeanceonmyfrontandface:Markmeyourvillain:youhavetoomuchwrong,AndIdosufferforyou,sir.MyheartWeepsbloodinanguish—
Bon.Lead;Ifollowthee.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—ARoominVOLPOXE'SHouse.EnterVOLPO^E.
Yolp.Moscastayslong,methinks.—Bringforthyoursports,Andhelptomakethewretchedtimemoresweet.
EnterNANO,ANDROGYNO,andCASTRONE.
Nan.Dwarf,fool,andeunuch,wellmetherewebe.Aquestionitiverenow,whetherofusthree,Bfingalltheknowndelicatesofarichman,Inpleasinghim,claimtheprecedencycan?
Cas.Iclaimformyself.
And.Andsodoththefool.
Nan.'Tisfoolishindeed:letmesetyoubothtoschool.Firstforyourdwarf,he'slittleandwitty,Andeverything,asitislittle,isprttty;i!*ewhydomensaytoacreatureofmyshape,Sosoonastheyseehim,It'saprettytittleti/>e?Andtrliyaprettyape,butforpleadingimitationOfgreatermen'sadinn*,inaridiculousfashion?Beside,thisfeatl><x{yofminedothnotcraveI!"Ifthemeat,drink,and<~lnth,oneofyour//////.-.<?irillJiare.AdmityourfooFsfacebethemotheroflaughter,Yet.for/n'.s-hrain,itmustalwayscomeafter:Andthr>u.f/tllml'i'ofeedhim./r.s-a/litifulcase,Hisbodyisbeholdingtosuchabadface.[Knockingwilhin.
Volp.Who'sthere?mycouch;away!look!Nano,see:
[Exe.And.andCas.
Givememycaps,firstgo,enquire.[ExitNano.]—Now,Cupid
SenditbeMosca,andwithfairreturn!
Nan.[within.]Itisthebeauteousmadam—•
Volp.Would-be—isit?
Nan.Thesame.
Volp.Nowtormentonme!Squireherin;Forshewillenter,ordwellhereforever:
Nay,quickly.[Retirestohiscouch.]—Thatmyfitwerepast!IfearAsecondhelltoo,thatmy
lothingthisWillquiteexpelmyappetitetotheotner:Wouldsheweretakingnowhertediousleave.Lord,howitthreatsmewhatIamtosuffer1
Re-enterNANO,withLadyPOLITICKWOULD-BE.
LadyP.Ithankyou,goodsir.'PrayyousignifyUntoyourpatron,Iamhere.—ThisbandShewsnotmyneckenough.—Itroubleyou,sir;Letmerequestyou,bidoneofmywomenComehithertome.—Ingoodfaith,IamdrestMostfavourablyto-day1Itisnomatter:'Tiswellenough.—
Enter1Waiting-wornan.
Look,see,thesepetulantthings,Howtheyhavedonethis!
Volp.IdofeelthefeverEnteringinatmineears;O,foracharm,Tofrightithence![Aside.
LadyP.Comenearer:isthiscurlInhisrightplace,orthis?WhyisthishigherThanalltherest?Youhavenotwash'dyoureyes,yet!Ordotheynotstandeveninyourhead?Whereisyourfellow?callher.[Exit1Woman.
Nan.Now,St.MarkDeliverus!anon,she'llbeatherwomen,Becausehernoseisred.
Re-enter1with2Woman.
LadyP.Iprayyou,viewThistire,forsooth:areallthingsapt,orno?
1Worn.Onehairalittle,here,sticksout,forsooth.
LadyP.Does'tso,forsooth!andwherewasyourdearsight,Whenitdidso,forsooth!Whatnow!bird-eyed?Andyou,too?'Prayyou,bothapproachandmendit.Now,bythatlight,Imuseyouarenotashamed!I,thathavepreach'dthesethingssooftuntoyou,Readyoutheprinciples,arguedallthegrounds,
Disputedeveryfitness,everygrace,
Call'dyoutocounselofsofrequentdressings—
San.Morecarefullythanofyourfameorhonour.[Aside.
LadyP.Madeyouacquainted,whatanampledowryTheknowledgeofthesethingswouldbeuntoyou,Able,alone,togetyounoblehusbandsAtyourreturn:andyouthustoneglectit!BesidesyouseeingwhatacuriousnationTheItaliansare,whatwilltheysayofme?TheEnglishladycannotdressherself.Here'safineimputationtoourcountry!Well,goyourways,andstayinthenextroom.Thisfucuswastoocoarsetoo;it'snomatter.—Goodsir,you'llgivethementertainment?
[ExeuntNanoandWaiting-women.
Volp.Thestormcomestowardme.
LadyP.[goestothecouch.]HowdoesmyVolpone?
Volp.Troubledwithnoise,Icannotsleep;IdreamtThatastrangefuryenter'd,now,myhouse,And,withthedreadfultempestofherbreath,Didcleavemyroofasunder.
LadyP.Believeme,andIHadthemostfearfuldream,couldIremember't—
Volp.Outonmyfate!IhavegivenhertheoccasionHowtotormentme:shewilltellmeher's.[.4side.
LadyP.Methought,thegoldenmediocrity,Politeanddelicate—
Volp.0,ifyoudoloveme,Xomore:Isweat,andsuffer,atthementionOfanydream;feelhowItrembleyet.
LadyP.Alas,goodsoul!thepassionoftheheart.Seed-pearlweregoodnow,boil'dwithsyrupofapples,Tinctureofgold,andcoral,citron-pills,Yourelicampaneroot,myrobalanes—
Volp.Ahme,Ihaveta'enagrass-hopperbythewing![Aside.
LadyP.Burntsilk,andamber:YouhavernuscadelGoodinthehouse—
Volp.Youwillnotdrink,andpart?
LadyP.Xo,fearnotthat.Idoubt,weshallnotgetSomeEnglishsaffron,halfadramwouldserve;Yoursixteencloves,alittlemusk,driedmints,Buploss,andbarley-meal—
Volp.She'sinagain!BeforeIfeign'ddiseases,nowIhaveone.\.lxide.
LadyP.Andtheseappliedwitharightscarletcloth.
Volp.Anotherfloodofwords!averytorrent1[Avide.
LadyP.ShallI,sir,makeyouapoultice?
Volji.Xo,no,no,I'mverywell,youneedprescribenomore.
LadyP.Ihavealittlestudiedphysic;butnow,I'mallformusic,save,intheforenoons,Anhourortwoforpainting.IwouldhaveAlady,indeed,tohaveall,lettersandarts,Beabletodiscourse,towrite,topaint,Butprincipal,asPlatoholds,yourmusic,AndsodoeswisePythagoras,Itakeit,Isyourtruerapture:whenthereisconcentInface,invoice,andclothes:andis,indeed,Oursex'schiefestornament.
Volp.Thepoet
AsoldintimeasPlato,andasknowing,Says,thatyourhighestfemalegraceissilence.
LadyP.Whichofyourpoets?Petrarch,orTasso,orDante?Guarini?Ariosto?Aretine?CiecodiHadria?Ihavereadthemall.
Volp.Iseverythingacausetomydestruction?[Aside.
LadyP.IthinkIhavetwoorthreeofthemaboutme.
Volp.Thesun,thesea,willsoonerbothstandstillThanhereternaltongue!nothingcan'scapeit.[Aside.
LadyP.Here'sPastorFido—
Volp.Professobstinatesilence;That'snowmysafest.[Aside.
LadyP.AllourEnglishwriters,ImeansuchasarehappyintheItalian,Willdeigntostealoutofthisauthor,mainly:AlmostasmuchasfromMontagnie:Hehassomodernandfacileavein,Fittingthetime,andcatchingthecourt-ear!YourPetrarchismorepassionate,yethe,Indaysofsonnetting,trustedthemwithmuch:Danteishard,andfewcanunderstandhim.But,foradesperatewit,there'sAretine;Only,hispicturesarealittleobscene—Youmarkmenot.
Volp.Alas,mymind'sperturb'd.
LadyP.Why,insuchcases,wemustcureourselves,Makeuseofourphilosophy—
Volp.Ohme!
LadyP.Andaswefindourpassionsdorebel,Encounterthemwithreason,ordivertthem,BygivingscopeuntosomeotherhumourOflesserdanger:as,inpoliticbodies,There'snothingmoredothoverwhelmthejudgment,Andcloudtheunderstanding,thantoomuchSettlingandfixing,and,as'twere,subsidingUpononeobject.FortheincorporatingOfthesesameoutwardthings,intothatpart,Whichwecallmental,leavessomecertainLeccs
Thatstoptheorgans,andasPlatosays,Assassinateourknowledge.
Volp.Now,thespiritOfpatiencehelpme![Aside.
LadyP.Come,infaith,ImustVisityoumoreadays;andmakeyouwell:Laughandbelusty.
Volp.Mygoodangelsaveme![Aside.
LadyP.Therewasbutonesolemaninalltheworld,WithwhomIe'ercouldsympathise;andheWouldlieyou,often,three,fourhourstogetherTohearmespeak;andbesometimessorapt,Ashewouldanswermequitefromthepurpose,Likeyou,andyouarelikehim,just.I'lldiscourse,An'tbebutonly,sir,tobringyouasleep,Howwedidspendourtimeandlovestogether,Forsomesixyears.
Volp.Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh!
LadyP.Forwewerecoretanei,andbroughtup—
Volp.Somepower,somefate,somefortunerescueme!
EnterMOSCA.
Mos.Godsaveyou,madam!
LadyP.Goodsir.
Volp.Mosca!welcome,Welcometomyredemption.
Mos.Why,sir?
Volp.Oh,
Ridmeofthismytorture,quickly,there;Mymadam,withtheeverlastingvoice:Thebells,intimeofpestilence,ne'ermadeLikenoise,orwereinthatperpetualmotion!TheCock-pitcomesnotnearit.Allmyhouse,Butnow,steam'dlikeabathwithherthickbreath,Alawyercouldnothavebeenheard;norscarceAnotherwoman,suchahailofwordsShehasletfall.Forhell'ssake,ridherhence.
Mos.Hasshepresented?
Volp.O,Idonotcare;I'lltakeherabsence,uponanyprice,Withanyloss.
Mas.Madam—
LadyP.IhavebroughtyourpatronAtoy,acaphere,ofmineownwork.
.1/o.s.'Tiswell.
IhadforgottoU-llyou,Isn\vyourknightWhereyouwouldlittlethinkit.—
LadyP.Where?Marry,
Whereyet,ifyoumakehaste,youmayapprehend
Rowinguponthewaterinagondole
WiththemostcunningcourtezanofVenice.
LadyP.Is'ttrue?
Mos.Pursuethem,andbelieveyoureyes:Leaveme,tomakeyourgift.[ExitLadyP.hastily.]—Iknew
'twouldtake:
For,lightly,theythatusethemselvesmostlicense,Arestillmostjealous.
Volp.Mosca,heartythanks,Forthyquickfiction,anddeliveryofme.Nowtomyhopes,whatsay'stthou?
He-enterLadyP.WOULD-BE.
LadyP.Butdoyouhear,sir?—
Volp.Again!Ifearaparoxysm.
LadyP.WhichwayRow'dtheytogether?
Mos.TowardtheRialto.
LadyP.Iprayyoulendmeyourdwarf.
Mos.Iprayyoutakehim.—[ExitLadyP.
Yourhopes,sir,arelikehappyblossoms,fair,Andpromisetimelyfruit,ifyouwillstayButthematuring;keepyouatyourcouch,Corbacciowillarrivestraight,withtheWill;Whenheisgone,I'lltellyoumore.[Exit.
Volp.Myblood,
Myspiritsarereturn'd;Iamalive:And,likeyourwantongamesteratprimero,Whosethoughthadwhisper'dtohim,notgoless,MethinksIlie,anddraw—foranencounter.
[ThesceneclosesuponVolpone.
SCENEII.—ThePassageleadingtoVOLPONE'SChamber.EnterMOSCAandBONARIO.
Mos.Sir,hereconceal'd,[shewshimacloset.]youmayhearail-But,prayyou,Havepatience,sir;[knockingwithin.]—thesame'syourfather
knocks:Iamcompell'dtoleaveyou.[Exit.
Bon.Doso.—YetCannotmythoughtimaginethisatruth.[Goesintothecloset.
SCENEIII.—AnotherPartofthesame.EnterMOSCAandCORVINO,CELIAfollowing.
Mos.Deathonme!youarecometoosoon,whatmeantyou?DidnotIsay,Iwouldsend?Corv.Yes,butIfear'd
Youmightforgetit,andthentheypreventITS.
Mos.Prevent!dide'ermanhasteso,forhishorns?Acourtierwouldnotplyitso,foraplace.[Aside.
Well,nowthereisnohelpingit,stayhere;I'llpresentlyreturn.[Exit.
<'<jrr.Whereareyou,Celia?YouknownotwhereforeIhavebroughtyouhither?
Cel.Notwell,exceptyoutoldme.
Corv.Now,Iwill:Harkhither.[E.reunt.
SCENEIV.—AClosetopeningintoaGallery.EnterMOSCAandBONARIO.
Mos.Sir,yourfatherhathsentword,Itwillbehalfanhourerehecome;Andtherefore,ifyoupleasetowalkthewhileIntothatgallery—attheupperend,Therearesomebookstoentertainthetime:AndI'lltakecarenomanshallcomeuntoyou,sir.
Bon.Yes,Iwillstaythere.—Idodoubtthisfellow.
[Aside,andexit.
Mos.[lookingafterhim.]There;heisfarenough;hecan
hearnothing:And,forhisfather,Icankeephimoff.[Exit.
SCENEV.—VOLPONE'SChamber.—VOLPONEonhiscouch.
MOSCAsittingbyhim.
EnterCORVINO,forcinginCELIA.
Corv.Nay,now,thereisnostartingback,andtherefore,Resolveuponit:Ihavesodecreed.Itmustbedone.NorwouldImove'tafore,BecauseIwouldavoidallshiftsandtricks,Thatmightdenyme.
Cel.Sir,letmebeseechyou,Affectnotthesestrangetrials;ifyoudoubtMychastity,why,lockmeupforever;.Makemetheheirofdarkness.Letmelive,WhereImaypleaseyourfears,ifnotyourtrust.
Corv.Believeit,Ihavenosuchhumour,I.AllthatIspeakImean;yetI'mnotmad:Xorhorn-mad,seeyou'!Goto,shewyourselfObedient,andawife.•'.0heaven!
<'"rv.Isayit,Doso.
Cel.Wasthisthotmin?
Core.I'vetoldyou
Whatthephysicianshavesetdown:howmuchItmayconcernme;whatmyengagementsare;Mymeans;andthenecessityofthosemeans,Formyrecovery:wherefore,ifyoubeLoyal,andmine,bewon,respectmyventure.
Cel.Beforeyourhonour?
Corv.Honour!tut,abreath:There'snosuchthinginnature:ameretermInventedtoawefools.WhatismygoldTheworsefortouching,clothesforbeinglook'don?Why,thisisnomore.Anolddecrepitwretch,Thathasnosense,nosinew;takeshismeatWithothers'fingers;onlyknowstogape,Whenyoudoscaldhisgums;avoice,ashadow;And,whatcanthismanhurtyou?
Cel.Lord!whatspiritIsthishathenter'dhim?[Aside.
Corv.Andforyourfame,That'ssuchajig;asifIwouldgotellit,CryitonthePiazza!whoshallknowit,Buthethatcannotspeakit,andthisfellow,Whoselipsareinmypocket?saveyourself,(Ifyou'llproclaim't,youmay,)IknownootherShallcometoknowit.
Cel.Areheavenandsaintsthennothing?Willtheybeblindorstupid?
Corv.How!
Cel.Goodsir,
Bejealousstill,emulatethem;andthinkWhathatetheyburnwithtowardeverysin.
Corv.Igrantyou:ifIthoughtitwereasin,Iwouldnoturgeyou.ShouldIofferthisTosomeyoungFrenchman,orhotTuscanbloodThathadreadAretine,conn'dallhisprints,Kneweveryquirkwithinlust'slabyrinth,Andwereprofessedcriticinlechery;AndIwouldlookuponhim,andapplaudhim,Thiswereasin:buthere,'tiscontrary,Apiouswork,merecharityforphysic,Andhonestpolity,toassuremineown.
Cel.Oheaven!canstthousuffersuchachange?
Volp.Thouartminehonour,Mosca,andmypride,Myjoy,mytickling,mydelight!Gobringthem.
Mos.[advancing.,]Pleaseyoudrawnear,sir.
Corv.Comeon,what—Youwillnotberebellious?bythatlight—
Mos.Sir,SigniorCorvino,here,iscometoseeyou.
Volp.Oh!
TheFox
Mos.Andhearingoftheconsultationhad,Solately,foryourhealth,iscometooiler,Orrather,sir,toprostitute—
Corv.Thanks,sweetMosca.
Mos.Freely,unask'd,orunintreated—
Corv.Well.
Mos.Asthetrueferventinstanceofhislove,Hisownmostfairandproperwife;thebeauty,OnlyofpriceinVenice—
Corv.'Tiswellurged.
Mos.Tobeyourcomfortress,andtopreserveyou.
Volp.Alas,Iampast,already!Prayyou,thankhimForhisgoodcareandpromptness;butforthat,'Tisavainlaboure'entofight'gainstheaven;Applyingfiretostone—uh,uh,uh,uh![coughing.]Makingadeadleafgrowagain.ItakeHiswishesgently,though;andyoumaytellhim,WhatIhavedoneforhim:marry,mystateishopeless.Willhimtoprayforme;andtousehisfortuneWithreverence,whenhecomesto't.
Mos.Doyouhear,sir?Gotohimwithyourwife.
Corv.Heartofmyfather!
Wiltthoupersistthus?come,Ipraythee,come.Thouseest'tisnothing,Celia.Bythishand,Ishallgrowviolent.Come,do't,Isay.
Cel.Sir,killme,rather:Iwilltakedownpoison,Eatburningcoals,doanything.—
Corv.Bedamn'd!
Heart,Iwilldragtheehence,home,bythehair;(Yytheeastrumpetthroughthestreets;ripupThymouthuntothineears;andslitthynose,Likearawrochet!—Donottemptme;come,\I-Id,Iamloth—Death!IwillbuysomeslaveWhomIwillkill,andbindtheetohim,alive;Andatmywindowhangyouforth,devisingS.imemonstrouscrime,whichI,incapitalletters,Willeatintothyfleshwithaquafortis,Andburningcorsives,onthisstubbornbreast.Now,bythebloodthouhastincensed,I'lldoit!
Cel.JSir,whatyouplease,youmay,Iamyourirnrtvr.
Corv.Benotthusobstinate,Ihavenotdeservedit:Thinkwhoitisintreatsyou.'Prithee,
sweet:—Goodfaith,thoushalthavejewels,gowns,attires,Whatthouwiltthink,andask.Dobutp>Uisshim.<)rtouchhim,but.Formysake.—Atmysuit.—Thisonce.—No!not!Ishallrememberthis.Willyoudisgracemethus?Doyouthirstmyundoing?
M--3.Xuy,gentlelady,beadvi>1.
Corv.No,no.
Shehaswatch'dhertime.Odsprecious,thisisscurvy,'Tisveryscurvy;andyouare—
Mos.Nay,goodsir.
Corv.Anarrantlocust,byheaven,alocust!Whore,crocodile,thathastthytearsprepared,Expectinghowthou'ltbidthemflow—
Mos.Nay,'prayyou,sir!Shewillconsider.
Gel.WouldmylifewouldserveTosatisfy—
Corv.S'death!ifshewouldbutspeaktohim,Andsavemyreputation,itweresomewhat;Butspightfullytoaffectmyutterruin!
Mos.Ay,nowyouhaveputyourfortuneinherhands.Whyi'faith,itishermodesty,Imustquither.Ifyouwereabsent,shewouldbemorecoming;Iknowit:anddareundertakeforher.Whatwomancanbeforeherhusband?'prayyou,Letusdepart,andleaveherhere.
Corv.SweetCelia,
Thoumay'stredeemall,yet;I'llsaynomore:Ifnot,esteemyourselfaslost.Nay,staythere.
[Shutsthedoor,andexitwithMosca.
Gel.0God,andhisgoodangels!whither,whither,Isshamefledhumanbreasts?thatwithsuchease,Mendareputoffyourhonours,andtheirown?Isthat,whicheverwasacauseoflife,Nowplacedbeneaththebasestcircumstance,Andmodestyanexilemade,formoney?
Volp.Ay,inCorvino,andsuchearth-fedminds,
[Leapingfromhiscouch.Thatnevertastedthetrueheavenoflove.Assurethee,Celia,hethatwouldsellthee,Onlyforhopeofgain,andthatuncertain,HewouldhavesoldhispartofParadiseForreadymoney,hadhemetacope-man.Whyartthoumazedtoseemethusrevived?Ratherapplaudthybeauty'smiracle;'Tisthygreatwork:thathath,notnowalone,Butsundrytimesraisedme,inseveralshapes,And,butthismorning,likeamountebank,Toseetheeatthywindow:ay,beforeIwouldhaveleftmypractice,forthylove,Invaryingfigures,IwouldhavecontendedWiththeblueProteus,orthehornedflood.Nowartthouwelcome.CelSir!Volp.Nay,flymenot.
TheFox
447
Xorletthyfalseimagination
ThatIwasbed-rid,maketheethinkIamso:
Thoushaltnotfindit.Iam,now,asfresh,
Ashot,ashigh,andinasjovialplight,
Aswhen,inthatsocelebratedscene,
Atrecitationofourcomedy,
ForentertainmentofthegreatValois,
IactedyourgAntinous;andattracted
Theeyesandearsofalltheladiespresent,
Toadmireeachgracefulgesture,note,andfooting.[Sings.
Come,myCelia,letusprove,"Whilewecan,thesportsoflove,Timewillnotbeoursforever,He,atlength,ourgoodwillsever;Spendnotthenhisgiftsinvain;Suns,thatset,mayriseagain;Butifoncewelosethislight,'Tiswithusperpetualnight.Whyshouldwedeferourjoys?Fameandrumourarebuttoys.CannotwedeludetheeyesOfafewpoorhouseholdspies?Orhiseasierearsbeguile,Thusremovedbyourwile?—'Tisnosinlove'sfruitstosteal:Butthesweettheftstoreveal;Tobetaken,frobeseen,Thesehavecrimesaccountedbeen.
Cd.Somesereneblastme,ordirelightningstrikeThismyoffendingface!
Volp.WhydroopsmyCelia?Thouhast,inplaceofabasehusband,foundAworthylover:usethyfortunewell,Withsecrecyandpleasure.See,behold,Whatthouartqueenof;notinexpectation,AsIfeedothers:butpossess'dandcrown'd.See,here,aropeofpearl;andeach,moreorientThanthatthebrave^Egyptianqueencaroused:Dissolveanddrinkthem.See,acarbuncle,MayputoutboththeeyesofourSt.Mark;Adiamond,wouldhaveboughtLolliaPaulina.Whenshecameinlikestar-li^ht,hidwithjewels,Thatwerethespoilsofprovinces;takethese,Andwear,andlosethem:yetremainsanear-ringTopurchasethemagain,andthiswholestate.Agembutworthaprivatepatrimony,Isnothing:wewilleatsuchatameal.Theheadsofparrots,tonguesofnightingales,
Thebrainsofpeacocks,andofestriches,
Shallbeourfood:and,couldwegetthephoenix,
Thoughnaturelostherkind,shewereourdish.
Cel.Goodsir,thesethingsmightmoveamindaffectedWithsuchdelights;butI,whose
innocenceIsallIcanthinkwealthy,orworthth'enjoying,Andwhich,oncelost,Ihavenoughttolosebeyondit,Cannotbetakenwiththesesensualbaits:Ifyouhaveconscience—
Volp.'Tisthebeggar'svirtue;Ifthouhastwisdom,hearme,Celia.ThybathsshallbethejuiceofJuly-flowers,Spiritofroses,andofviolets,Themilkofunicorns,andpanthers'breathGather'dinbags,andmixtwithCretanwines.Ourdrinkshallbepreparedgoldandamber;Whichwewilltake,untilmyroofwhirlroundWiththevertigo:andmydwarfshalldance,Myeunuchsing,myfoolmakeuptheantic,Whilstwe,inchangedshapes,actOvid'stales,Thou,likeEuropanow,andIlikeJove,ThenIlikeMars,andthoulikeErycine:So,oftherest,tillwehavequiterunthrough,Andweariedallthefablesofthegods.ThenwillIhavetheeinmoremodernforms,AttiredlikesomesprightlydameofFrance,BraveTuscanlady,orproudSpanishbeauty;Sometimes,untothePersiansophy'swife;Orthegrandsignior'smistress;and,forchange,Tooneofourmostartfulcourtezans,OrsomequickNegro,orcoldEussian;AndIwillmeettheeinasmanyshapes:WherewemaysotransfuseourwanderingsoulsOatatourlips,andscoreupsumsofpleasures,[Sings.
ThatthecuriousshallnotknowHowtotellthemastheyflow;Andtheenvious,whentheyfindWhattheirnumberis,bepined.
Cel.Ifyouhaveearsthatwillbepierced—oreyesThatcanbeopen'd—aheartthatmaybetouch'd—Oranypartthatyetsoundsmanaboutyou—Ifyouhavetouchofholysaints—orheaven—Domethegracetoletme'scape—ifnot,Bebountifulandkillme.Youdoknow,Iamacreature,hitherillbetray'd,Byone,whoseshameIwouldforgetitwere:Ifyouwilldeignmeneitherofthesegraces,Yetfeedyourwrath,sir,ratherthanyourlust,
(Itisavicecomesnearermanliness,)Andpunishthatunhappycrimeofnature,Whichyoumiscallmybeauty:flaymyface,Orpoisonitwithointments,forseducingYourbloodtothisrebellion.Rubthesehands,Withwhatmaycauseaneatingleprosy,E'entomybonesandmarrow:anything,Thatmaydisfavourme,saveinmyhonour—AndIwillkneeltoyou,prayforyou,paydownAthousandhourlyvows,sir,foryourhealth;Report,andthinkyouvirtuous—
Volp.Thinkmecold,Frozenandimpotent,andsoreportme?ThatIhadNestor'shernia,thouwouldstthink.Idodegenerate,andabusemynation,Toplaywithopportunitythuslong;Ishouldhavedonetheact,andthenhaveparley'd.Yield,orI'llforcethee.[Seizesher.
Cel.O!justGod!
Volp.Invain—
Bon.[rushingin.]Forbear,foulravisher,libidinousswine!Freetheforcedlady,orthoudiest,impostor.ButthatI'mlothtosnatchthypunishmentOutofthehandofjustice,thoushouldst,yet,Bemadethetimelysacrificeofvengeance,Beforethisaltar,andthisdross,thyidol.—Lady,let'squittheplace,itisthedenOfvillainy;fearnought,youhaveaguard:Andhe,erelong,shallmeethisjustreward.
[ExeuntBon.andCel.
Volp.Fallonme,roof,andburymeinruin!Becomemygrave,thatwertmyshelter!O!Iamunmask'd,unspirited,undone,Betray'dtobeggary,toinfamy—
EnterMOSCA,woundedandbleeding.
Mos.WhereshallIrun,mostwretchedshameofmen,Tobeatoutmyunluckybrains?
Volp.Here,here.What!dostthoubleed?
Mos.Othathiswell-driv'nswordHadbeensocourteoustohavecleftmedownT'ntothenavel,ereIlivedtoseeMylife,myhopes,myspirits,mypatron,allThusdesperatelyengaged,bymyerror!
Volp.Woeonthyfortune!
Mos.Andmyfollies,sir.
Volp.Thouhastmadememiserable.
Mos.Andmyself,sir.
Whowouldhavethoughthewouldhavehearken'dso?
Volp.Whatshallwedo?
Mos.Iknownot;ifmyheartCouldexpiatethemischance,I'dpluckitout.Willyoubepleasedtohangme,orcutmythroat?AndI'llrequiteyou,sir.Let'sdielikeRomans,SincewehavelivedlikeGrecians.[Knockingwithin.
Volp.Hark!who'sthere?Ihearsomefooting;officers,thesaffi,Cometoapprehendus!IdofeelthebrandHissingalreadyatmyforehead;now,Mineearsareboring.
Mos.Toyourcouch,sir,you,Makethatplacegood,however.[Volponeliesdown,asbefore.']
—GuiltymenSuspectwhattheydeservestill.
EnterCORBACCIO.
SigniorCorbaccio!
Corb.Why,hownow,Mosca?
Mos.O,undone,amazed,sir.Yourson,Iknownotbywhataccident,Acquaintedwithyourpurposetomypatron,TouchingyourWill,andmakinghimyourheir,Enter'dourhousewithviolence,hissworddrawnSoughtforyou,call'dyouwretch,unnatural,Vow'dhewouldkillyou.
Corb.Me!
Mos.Yes,andmypatron.
Corb.Thisactshalldisinherithimindeed;HereistheWill.
Mos.'Tiswell,sir.
Corb.Rightandwell:Beyouascarefulnowforme.
EnterVOLTORE,behind.
Mos.Mylife,sir,Isnotmoretender'd;Iamonlyyours.
Corb.Howdoeshe?willhedieshortly,think'stthou?
Mos.IfearHe'lloutlastMay.
Corb.To-day?
Mos.No,lastoutMay,sir.
Corb.Could'stthounotgivehimadram?
Mos.O,bynomeans,sir.
Corb.Nay,I'llnotbidyou.
Volt,{comingforward.']Thisisaknave,Isee.
Mos.[seeingVoltore.]How!signiorVoltore!didhehearme?
[Aside.
Volt.Parasite!
Mos.Who'sthat?—0,sir,mosttimelywelcome—
Volt.Scarce,
Tothediscoveryofyourtricks,Ifear.Youarehis,only?andminealso,areyounot?
Mos.Who?I,sir?
Volt.You,sir.WhatdeviceisthisAboutaWill?
Mos.Aplotforyou,sir.
Volt.Come,Putnotyourfoistsuponme;Ishallscentthem.
Mos.Didyounothearit?
Volt.Yes,IhearCorbaccioHathmadeyourpatrontherehisheir.
Mos.'Tistrue,
Bymydevice,drawntoitbymyplot,Withhope—
Volt.Yourpatronshouldreciprocate?Andyouhavepromised?
Mos.Foryourgood,Idid,sir.Nay,more,Itoldhisson,brought,hidhimh?re,Wherehemighthearhisfatherpassthedeed:Beingpersuadedtoitbythisthought,sir,Thattheunnaturalness,first,oftheact,Andthenhisfather'softdisclaiminginhim,(WhichIdidmeant'helpon,)wouldsureenragehimTodosomeviolenceuponhisparent,Onwhichthelawshouldtakesufficienthold,Andyoubestatedinadoublehope:Truthbemycomfort,andmyconscience,MyonlyaimwastodigyouafortuneOutofthesetwooldrottensepulchres—
VoU.Icrytheemercy,Mosca.
Mos.Worthyourpatience,Andyourgreatmerit,sir.Andseethechange!
Volt.Why,whatsuccess?
Mos.Mosthapless!youmusthelp,sir.Whilstweexpectedtheoldraven,incomesCorvino'swife,senthitherbyherhusband—
VoU.What,withapresent?
Mos.No,sir,onvisitation;(I'lltellyouhowanon;)andstayinglong,Theyouthhegrowsimpatient,rushesforth,Seizeththelady,woundsme,makesherswear(Orhewouldmurderher,thatwashisvow)Toaffirmmypatrontohavedoneherrape:Whichhowunlikeitis,youseeIandhence,Withthatpretexthe'sgone,toaccusehisfather,Defamemypatron,defeatyou—
VoU.Whereisherhusband?Lethimbesentforstraight.
Mos.Sir,I'llgofetchhim.
Volt.BringhimtotheScrutineo.
Mos.Sir,Iwill.
Volt.Thismustbestopt.
Mos.0youdonobly,sir.Alas,'twaslabour'dall,sir,foryourgood;Norwastherewantofcounselintheplot:Butfortunecan,atanytime,o'erthrowTheprojectsofahundredlearnedclerks,sir.
Corb.[listening.]What'sthat?
VoU.Will'tpleaseyou,sir,togoalong?
[ExitCorbaccio,followedbyVoltore.
Mos.Patron,goin,andprayforoursuccess.
Volp.[risingfromhiscouch.]Needmakesdevotion:heavenyourlabourbless![Exeunt.
ACTIV
SCENEI.—AStreet.EnterSirPOLITICKWOULD-BEandPEREGRINE.
SirP.Itoldyou,sir,itwasaplot;youseeWhatobservationis!Youmention'dmeForsomeinstructions:Iwilltellyou,sir,(SincewearemethereinthisheightofVenice,)SomefewparticularsIhavesetdown,Onlyforthismeridian,fittobeknownOfyourcrudetraveller;andtheyarethese.Iwillnottouch,sir,atyourphrase,orclothes,Fortheyareold.
Per.Sir,Ihavebetter.
SirP.Pardon,Imeant,astheyarethemes.
Per.O,sir,proceed:I'llslanderyounomoreofwit,goodsir.
SirP.First,foryourgarb,itmustbegraveandserious,Vervreserv'dandlock'd;nottellasecret
mi
Onanyterms,nottoyourfather;scarceAfable,butwithcaution:makesurechoiceBothofyourcompany,anddiscourse;bewareYouneverspeakatruth—
Per.How!
SirP.Nottostrangers,
Forthosebetheyyoumustconversewithmost;OthersIwouldnotknow,sir,butatdistance,SoasIstillmisrhtbeasaverinthem:
Youshallhavetrickselsepastuponyouhourlv.Andthen,foryourreligion,professnone,Butwonderatthediversity,ofall:And,foryourpart,protest,weretherenootherButsimplythelawso'theland,youcouldcontentyou,Xic.Machiavel,andMonsieurBodin,bothWereofthismind.ThenmustyoulearntheuseAndhandlingofyoursilverforkatmeals,Themetalofyourglass;(thesearemainmattersWithyourItalian;)andtoknowthehourWhenyoumusteatyourmelons,andyourfigs.Per.Isthatapointofstatetoo?SirP.Hereitis:
ForyourVenetian,ifheseeamanPreposterousintheleast,hehashimstraight;Hehas;hestripshim.I'llacquaintyou,sir,Inowhavelivedhere,'tissomefourteenmonthsWithinthefirstweekofmylandinghere,AlltookmeforacitizenofVenice,Iknewtheformssowell—
Per.Andnothingelse.[Aside.
SirP.IhadreadContarene,tookmeahouse.DealtwithmyJewstofurnishitwithmoveables—Well,ifIcouldbutfindoneman,onemanTomineownheart,whomIdursttrust,Iwould—Per.What,what,sir?
SirP.Makehimrich;makehimafortune:Heshouldnotthinkagain.Iwouldcommandit.Per.Ashow?
SirP.WithcertainprojectsthatIhave;WhichImaynotdiscover.
Per.IfIhad
Butonetowagerwith,Iwouldlayoddsnow,Hetellsmeinstantly.[Aside
SirP.Oneis,andthat
Icarenotgreatlywhoknows,toservethestateOfVenicewithredherringsforthreeyears,Andatacertainrate,fromRotterdam.WhereIhavecorrespondence.There'saletter,
>tmefromoneo'thestates,andtothatpurpose:Hecannotwritehisname,butthat'shismark.Per.Heisachandler?x-P.Xo,acheesemonger.TherearesomeotherstoowithwhomItreatAl-mtthesamenegociati<m;AndIwillundertakeit:for.'tisthus.I'lldo'twithease,Ihaveoastitall:Four':
—iesbutthreemeninher,andaU-v:Andsheshallmakemethreeretun.ir:
So,iftherecomebutoneofthree,Isave;Iftwo,Icandefalk:—butthisisnow,Ifmymainprojectfail.
Per.Thenyouhaveothers?
SirP.IshouldbelothtodrawthesubtleairOfsuchaplace,withoutmythousandaims.I'llnotdissemble,sir:where'erIcome,Ilovetobeconsiderative;and'tistrue,IhaveatmyfreehoursthoughtuponSomecertaingoodsuntothestateofVenice,WhichIdocallmyCautions;and,sir,whichImean,inhopeofpension,topropoundTotheGreatCouncil,thenuntotheForty,SototheTen.Mymeansaremadealready—
Per.Bywhom?
SirP.Sir,onethat,thoughhisplacebeobscure,Yethecansway,andtheywillhearhim.He'sAcommandador.
Per.What!acommonserjeant?
SirP.Sir,suchastheyare,putitintheirmouths,Whattheyshouldsay,sometimes,;aswellasgreater:1thinkIhavemynotestoshewyou—[Searchinghispockets.
Per.Goodsir.
SirP.Butyoushallswearuntome,onyourgentry,Nottoanticipate—
Per.I,sir!
SirP.NorrevealAcircumstanceMypaperisnotwithme.
Per.0,butyoucanremember,sir.
SirP.Myfirstis
Concerningtinder-boxes.Youmustknow,Nofamilyisherewithoutitsbox.Now,sir,itbeingsoportableathing,Putcase,thatyouorIwereillaffectedUntothestate,sir;withitinourpockets,MightnotIgointotheArsenal,Oryou,comsoutagain,andnonethewiser?
Per.Exceptyourself,sir.
SirP.Goto,then.IthereforeAdvertisetothestate,howfititwere,Thatnonebutsuchaswereknownpatriots,Soundloversoftheircountry,shouldbesuffer'dToenjoythemintheirhouses;andeventhoseSeal'datsomeoffice,andatsuchabignessAsmightnotlurkinpockets.
Per.Admirable!
SirP.Mynextis,howtoenquire,andberesolv'd,Bypresentdemonstration,whetheraship,NewlyarrivedfromSoria,orfrom
AnysuspectedpartofalltheLevant,
Beguiltyoftheplague:andwheretheyuse
Tolieoutforty,fiftydays,sometimes,
AbouttheLazaretto,fortheirtrial;
I'llsavethatchargeandlossuntothemerchant,
Andinanhourclearthedoubt.
Per.Indeed,sir!
SirP.Or—Iwilllosemylabour.
Per.'Myfaith,that'smuch.
SirP.Nay,sir,conceiveme.Itwillcostmeinonions,Somethirtylivres—
Per.Whichisonepoundsterling.
SirP.Besidemywater-works:forthisIdo,sirFirst,Ibringinyourship'twixttwobrickwalls;Butthosethestateshallventure:OntheoneIstrainmeafairtarpauling,andinthatI
stickmyonions,cutinhalves:theotherIsfullofloop-holes,outatwhichIthrustThenosesofmybellows;andthosebellowsIkeep,withwater-works,inperpetualmotion,Whichistheeasiestmatterofahundred.Now,sir,youronion,whichdothnaturallyAttracttheinfection,andyourbellowsblowingTheairuponhim,willshow,instantly,Byhischangedcolour,iftherebecontagion;Orelseremainasfairasatthefirst.—Nowitisknown,'tisnothing.
Per.Youareright,sir.
SirP.IwouldIhadmynote.
Per.'Faith,sowouldI:Butyouhavedonewellforonce,sir.
SirP.WereIfalse,
Orwouldbemadeso,IcouldshewyoureasonsHowIcouldsellthisstatenowtotheTurk,Spiteoftheirgallies,ortheir—[Examininghispapers.
Per.Prayyou,sirPol.
SirP.Ihavethemnotaboutme.
Per.ThatIfear'd:Theyarethere,sir.
SirP.No,thisismydiary,WhereinInotemyactionsoftheday.
Per.Prayyou,let'ssee,sir.Whatishere?Nolanditm,[Reads.Arathadgnawnmyspur-leathers;notwithstanding,1putonnew,anddidgoforth:butfirst1threwthreebeansoverthethreshold.Item,Iwentandboughttwotooth-picks,whereofoneIburstimmediately,inadiscourseWithaDutchmerchant,'boutragiondelstato.FromhimIwentandpaidamoccinigo
Forpiecingmysilkstockings;bytheway
Icheapen'dsprats;andatSt.Mark'sIurined.
'Faiththesearepoliticnotes!
SirP.Sir,IdoslipNoactionofnaylife,butthusIquoteit.
Per.Believeme,itiswise!
SirP.Nay,sir,readforth.
Enter,atadistance,LadyPOLITICKWOULD-BE,NANO,and
twoWaiting-women.
LadyP.Whereshouldthislooseknightbe,trow?surehe'shoused.
Nan.Why,thenhe'sfast.
LadyP.Ay,heplaysbothwithme.Iprayyoustay.ThisheatwilldomoreharmTomycomplexion,thanhisheartisworth.(Idonotcaretohinder,buttotakehim.)Howitcomesoff![Rubbinghercheeks.
1Worn.Mymaster'syonder.LadyP.Where?
2Worn.Withayounggentleman.LadyP.Thatsame'stheparty;
Inman'sapparel!'Prayyou,sir,jogmyknight:Iwillbetendertohisreputation,Howeverhedemerit.
SirP.[seeingher.]Myladyl
Per.Where?
SirP.'Tissheindeed,sir;youshallknowher.Sheis,Wereshenotmine,aladyofthatmerit,Forfashionandbehaviour;andforbeautyIdurstcompare—
Per.Itseemsyouarenotjealous,Thatdarecommendher.
SirP.Nay,andfordiscourse—
Per.Beingyourwife,shecannotmissthat.
SirP.[introducingPer.]Madam,Hereisagentleman,prayyou,usehimfairly;Heseemsayouth,butheis—
LadyP.None.
SirP.Yes,oneHasputhisfaceassoonintotheworld—
LadyP.Youmean,asearly?butto-day?
SirP.How'sthis?
LadyP.Why,inthishabit,sir;youapprehendme:—Well,masterWould-be,thisdothnotbecomeyou;Ihadthoughttheodour,sir,ofyourgoodnameHadbeenmoreprecioustoyou;thatyouwouldnotHavedonethisdiremassacreonyourhonour;Oneofyourgravityandrankbesides!
"Rutknights,Isee,carelittlefortheoathTheymaketoladies;chiefly,theirownladies.
SirP.Now,bymyspurs,thesymbolofmyknighthood,—
Per.Lord,howhisbrainishumbledforanoath![Aside.
SirP.Ireachyounot.
LadyP.Right,sir,yourpolicy
Ma}^bearitthroughthus.—Sir,awordwithyou.[ToPer.IwouldbelothtocontestpubliclyWithanygentlewoman,ortoseemFroward,orviolent,asthecourtiersays;Itcomestoonearrusticityinalady,WhichIwouldshunbyallmeans:andhoweverImaydeservefrommasterWould-be,yetThaveonefairgentlewomanthusbemadeTheunkindinstrumenttowronganother,Andonesheknowsnot,ay,andtopersever;Inmypoorjudgment,isnotwarrantedFrombeingasolecisminoursex,Ifnotinmanners.
Per.Howisthis!
SirP.Sweetmadam,Comenearertoyouraim.
LadyP.Marry,andwill.sir.Sinceyouprovokemewithyourimpudence,Andlaughterofyourlightland-syrenhere,YourSporus,yourhermaphrodite—
Per.What'shere?Poeticfury,andhistoricstorms!
SirP.Thegentleman,believeit,isofworth,Andofournation.
LadyP.Ay,yourWhite-friarsnation.Come,Iblushforyou,masterWould-be,I;Andamasham'dyoushouldhavenomoreforehead,Thanthustobethepatron,orSt.George,Toalewdharlot,abasefricatrice,Afemaledevil,inamaleoutside.
SirP.Nay,
Anyoubesuchaone,ImustbidadienToyourdelights.Thecaseappearstooliquid.[Exit.
LadyP.Ay,youmaycarry'tclear,withyourstate-face!—Butforyourcarnivalconcupiscence,Whohereisfledforlibertyofconscience,Fromfuriouspersecutionofthemarshal,HerwillIdis']tie.
Per.Thisisfine,i'faith!Anddoyouusethisoften?TsthispartOfyourwit'sexercise,'gainstyouhaveoccasion?
!l
P.Goto,sir.
Per.Doyouhearme,lady?Why,ifyourknighthavesetyoutobegshirts,Ortoinvitemehome,youmighthavedoneitAnearerway,byfar.
LadyP.ThiscannotworkyouOutofmysnare.
Per.Why,amIinit,then?Indeedyourhusbandtoldmeyouwerefair.Andsoyouare;onlyyournoseinclines,Thatsidethat'snextthesun,tothequeen-apple.
LadyP.Thiscannotbeendur'dbyanypatience.
EnterMOSCA.
Mos,Whatisthematter,madam?
LadyP.Ifthesenate
Rightnotmyquestinthis,IwillprotestthemToalltheworld,noaristocracy.
3fo5.Whatistheinjury,lady?
LadyP.Why,thecalletYoutoldmeof,hereIhaveta'endisguised.
Mos.Who?this!whatmeansyourladyship?thecreatureImention'dtoyouisapprehendednow,Beforethesenate;youshallseeher—
LadyP.Where?
Mos.I'llbringyoutoher.Thisyounggentleman,Isawhimlandthismorningattheport.
LadyP.Is'tpossible!howhasmyjudgmentwander'cl?Sir,Imust,blushing,saytoyou,Ihaveerr'd;Andpleadyourpardon.
Per.What,morechangesyet!
LadyP.IhopeyouhavenotthemalicetorememberAgentlewoman'spassion.IfyoustayInVenicehere,pleaseyoutouseme,air—•
Mos.Willyougo,madam?
LadyP.'Prayyou,sir,useme;infaith,Themoreyouseeme,themoreIshallconceiveYouhaveforgotourquarrel.
[ExeuntLadyWould-be,Mosca,Nano,andWaiting-women.
Per.Thisisrare!
SirPolitickWould-be?no;sirPolitickBawd,Tobringmethusacquaintedwithhiswife!Well,wisesirPol,sinceyouhavepractisedthnaUponmyfreshman-ship,I'lltryyoursalt-head,Whatproofitisagainstacounter-plot.[Exit.
SCENEII.—TheScrutineo,orSenate-House.EnterVOLTORE,CORBACCIO,CORVTNO,andMOSCA.
Volt.Well,nowyouknowthecarriageofthebusiness,Yourconstancyisallthatisrequired
Untothesafetyofit.
Mos.Isthelie
Safelyconvey'damongstus?isthatsure?Knowseverymanhisburden?
Corv.Yes.
Mos.Thenshrinknot.
Corv.Butknowstheadvocatethetruth?
Mos.O,sir,
Bynomeans;Idevisedaformaltale,Thatsalv'dyourreputation.Butbevaliant,sir.
Corv.Ifearnoonebuthim,thatthishispleadingShouldmakehimstandforaco-heir—
1(1os.Co-halter!
Hanghim;wewillbutusehistongue,hisnoise,Aswedocroakershere.
Corv.Ay,whatshallhedo?
Mos.Whenwehavedone,youmean?
Corv.Yes.
Mos.Why,we'llthink:
Sellhimformummia;he'shalfdustalready.Doyounotsmile,[toVoltore.]toseethisbuffalo,Howhedothsportitwithhishead?—Ishould,Ifallwerewellandpast.[Aside.']—Sir,[toCorbaccio.']onlyyouArehethatshallenjoythecropofall,Andthesenotknowforwhomtheytoil.
Corb.Ay,peace.
Mos.[turningtoCorvino.]Butyoushalleatit.Much![Aside.']
—Worshipfulsir,[toVoltore.~\Mercurysituponyourthunderingtongue,OrtheFrenchHercules,andmakeyourlanguageAsconqueringashisclub,tobeatalong,Aswithatempest,flat,ouradversaries;Butmuchmoreyours,sir.
Volt.Heretheycome,havedone.
Mos.Ihaveanotherwitness,ifyouneed,sir,Icanproduce.
Volt.Whoisit?
Mos.Sir,Ihaveher.
EnterAvocatoriandtaketheirseats,BONARIO,CELIA,Xotario,Commandadori,Safii,andotherOfficersofjustice.
1Avoc.Thelikeofthisthesenateneverheardof.
2Avoc.'Twillcomemoststrangetothemwhenwereportit.4Avoc.Thegentlewomanhasbeeneverheld
Ofunreprovedname.
3Avoc.Sohastheyouth.
4Avoc.Themoreunnaturalpartthatofhisfather.'2Avoc.Moreofthehusband.
1Avoc.Inotknowtogive
Hisactaname,itissomonstrous!
4Avoc.Buttheimpostor,he'sathingcreatedToexceedexample!
1Avoc.Andallafter-times!
2Avoc.IneverheardatruevoluptuaryDescribed,buthim.
3Avoc.Appearyetthosewerecited?Not.Allbuttheoldmagnifico,Volpone.
1Avoc.Whyisnothehere?Mas.Pleaseyourfatherhoods,
Hereishisadvocate:himself'ssoweak,Sofeeble—
4Avoc.Whatareyou?Bon.Hisparasite,
Hisknave,hispandar:Ibeseechthecourt,Hemaybeforcedtocome,thatyourgraveeyesMaybearstrongwitnessofhisstrangeimpostures.
Volt.Uponmyfaithandcreditwithyourvirtues,Heisnotabletoenduretheair.
2Avoc.Bringhim,however.
3Avoc.Wewillseehim.
4Avoc.Fetchhim.
Volt.Yourfatherhoods'fitpleasuresbeobey'd;
[ExeuntOfficers.
Butsure,thesightwillrathermoveyourpities,Thanindignation.Mayitpleasethecourt,Inthemeantime,hemaybeheardinme;Iknowthisplacemostvoidofprejudice,Andthereforecraveit,sincewehavenoreasonTofearourtruthshouldhurtourcause.
3Avoc.Speakfree.
Volt.Thenknow,mosthonour'dfathers,ImustnowDiscovertoyourstrangelyabusedears,ThemostprodigiousandmostfrontlesspieceOfsolidimpudence,andtreachery,Thatever
viciousnatureyetbroughtforthToshamethestateofVenice.Thislewdwoman,ThatwantsnoartificiallooksortearsTohelpthevizorshehasnowputon,HathlongbeenknownacloseadulteressTothatlasciviousyouththere;notsuspected,Isay,butknown,andtakenintheactWithhim;andbythisman,theeasyhusband,Pardon'd;whosetimelessbountymakeshimnowStandhere,themostunhappy,innocentperson,Thateverman'sowngoodnessmadeaccused.ForthesenotknowinghowtooweagiftOfthatdeargrace,butwiththeirshame;beingplacedSoaboveallpowersoftheirgratitude,
Begantohatethebenefit;and,inplace
Ofthanks,devisetoextirpethememory
Ofsuchanact:whereinIprayyourfatherhoods
Toobservethemalice,yea,therageofcreatures
Discover'dintheirevils;andwhatheart
Suchtake,evenfromtheircrimes:—butthatanon
\Yillmoreappear.—Thisgentleman,thefather,
Hearingofthisfoulfact,withmanyothers,
Whichdailystruckathistootenderears,
Andgrievedinnothingmorethanthathecouldnot
Preservehimselfaparent,(hisson'sills
Growingtothatstrangeflood,)atlastdecreed
Todisinherithim.
1Avoc.Thesebestrangeturns!
2Avoc.Theyoungman'sfamewaseverfairandhonest.Volt.Somuchmorefullofdangerishisvice,
Thatcanbeguilesoundershadeofvirtue.
But,asIsaid,myhonour'dsires,hisfather
Havingthissettledpurpose,bywhatmeans
Tohimbetray'd,weknownot,andthisday
Appointedforthedeed;thatparricide,
Icannotstylehimbetter,byconfederacy
Preparingthishisparamourtobethere,
Enter'dVolpone'shouse,(whowastheman,
Yourfatherhoodsmustunderstand,design'd
Fortheinheritance,)theresoughthisfather:—
Butwithwhatpurposesoughthehim,mylords?
Itrembletopronounceit,thatason
Untoafather,andtosuchafather,
Shouldhavesofoul,feloniousintent!
Itwastomurderhim:whenbeingprevented
Byhismorehappyabsence,whatthendidhe?
Notcheckhiswickedthoughts;no,nownewdeeds,
(Mischiefdothneverendwhereitbegins)
Anactofhorror,fathers!hedragg'dforth
Theagedgentlemanthathadtherelainbed-rid
Threeyearsandmore,outofhisinnocentcouch.
Nakeduponthefloor,therelefthim;wounded
Hisservantintheface:and,withthisstrumpet
Thestaletohisforgedpractice,whowasglad
Tobesoactive,—(Ishallheredesire
Yourfatherhoodstonotebutmycollections,
Asmostremarkable,—)thoughtatoncetostop
Hisfather'sends,discredithisfreechoice
Intheoldgentleman,redeemthemselves,
Bylayinginfamyuponthisman,
Towhom,withblushing,theyshouldowetheirlives.
1Avoc.Whatproofshaveyouofthis?
Bon.Mosthonouredfathers,
IhumblycravetherebenocreditgivenTothisman'smercenarytongue.
2Avoc.Forbear.
Bon.Hissoulmovesinhisfee.
3Avoc.O,sir.Bon.Thisfellow,
Forsixsolsmore,wouldpleadagainsthisMaker.
1Avoc.Youdoforgetyourself.
Volt.Nay,nay,gravefathers,Lethimhavescope:cananymanimagineThathewillsparehisaccuser,thatwouldnotHavesparedhisparent?
1Avoc.Well,produceyourproofs.
Cel.IwouldIcouldforgetIwereacreature.
Volt.SigniorCorbaccio1[Corbacciocomesforward.
4Avoc.Whatishe?Volt.Thefather.
2Avoc.Hashehadanoath?Not.Yes.
Corb.WhatmustIdonow?
Not.Yourtestimony'scraved.
Corb.Speaktotheknave?
I'llhavemymouthfirststoptwithearth;myheartAbhorshisknowledge:Idisclaiminhim.
1Avoc.Butforwhatcause?Corb.Themereportentofnature!
Heisanutterstrangertomyloins.
Bon.Havetheymadeyoutothis?
Corb.Iwillnothearthee,Monsterofmen,swine,goat,wolf,parricide!Speaknot,thouviper.
Bon.Sir,Iwillsitdown,Andratherwishmyinnocenceshouldsuffer,ThanIresisttheauthorityofafather.
Volt.SigniorCorvino![Corvinocomesforward.
2Avoc.Thisisstrange.1Avoc.Who'sthis?Not.Thehusband.
4Avoc.Ishesworn?Not.Heis.
3Avoc.Speak,then
Corv.Thiswoman,pleaseyourfatherhoods,isawhore,Ofmosthotexercise,morethanapartrich,Uponrecord—
1Avoc.Nomore.
Corv.Neighslikeajennet,
Not.Preservethehonourofthecourt.
Corv.Ishall,Andmodestyofyourmostreverendears.
AndyetIhopethatImaysay,theseeyesHaveseenherglueduntothatpieceofcedar,Thatfinewell-timber'dgallant;andthathereThelettersmayberead,thoroughthehorn,Thatmakethestoryperfect.
Mos.Excellent!sir.
Corv.Thereisnoshameinthisnow,isthere?[AsidetoMosca,
Mos.None.
Corv.OrifIsaid,IhopedthatshewereonwardToherdamnation,iftherebeahellGreaterthanwhoreandwoman;agoodcatholicMaymakethedoubt.
3Avoc.Hisgriefhathmadehimfrantic.
1Avoc.Removehimhence.
2Avoc.Looktothewoman.[Celiasuvons.Corv.Rare!
Prettilyfeign'd,again!
4Avoc.Standfromabouther.
1Avoc.Givehertheair.
3Avoc.Whatcanyousay?[ToMosca.Mos.Mywound,
Mayitpleaseyourwisdoms,speaksforme,receivedInaidofmygoodpatron,whenhemistFliflsought-forfather,whenthatwell-taughtdameHadhercuegivenher,tocryout,Arape!Bon.Omostlaidimpudence!Fathers—
3Avoc.Sir,besilent;
Youhadyourhearingfree,somusttheytheirs.
2Avoc.Idobegintodoubttheimposturehere.
4Avoc.Thiswomanhastoomanymoods.Volt.Gravefathers,
SheisacreatureofamostprofestAndprostitutedlewdness.
Corv.Mostimpetuous,Unsatisfied,gravefathers!
Volt.Mayherfeignings
Nottakeyourwisdoms:butthisdayshebaitedAstranger,agraveknight,withherlooseeyes,Andmorelasciviouskisses.ThismansawthemTogetheronthewater,inagondola.
Mos.Hereistheladyherself,thatsawthemtoo;Without;whothenhadintheopenstreetsPursuedthem,butforsavingherknight'shonour.
1Avoc.Producethatlady.
2Avoc.Lethercome.[^,7Mosca.4Avoc.Thesethings,
Theystrikewithwonder.
3Avoc.Iamturn'dastone.
Re-enterMOSCAwithLadyWOULD-BE.
Mos.Beresolute,madam.
LadyP.Ay,thissameisshe.[PointingtoCelia
Out,thoucamelionharlot!nowthineeyesVietearswiththehysena.Dar'stthoulookUponmywrongedface?—Icryyourpardons,IfearIhaveforgettinglytransgrestAgainstthedignityofthecourt—
2Awe.No,madam.
LadyP.Andbeenexorbitant—
2Avoc.Youhavenot,lady.
4Avoc.Theseproofsarestrong.LadyP.Surely,IhadnopurposeToscandaliseyourhonours,ormysex's.
3Avoc.Wedobelieveit.
LadyP.Surely,youmaybelieveit.
2Avoc.Madam,wedo.
LadyP.Indeedyoumay;mybreedingIsnotsocoarse—
4Avoc.Weknowit.LadyP.Tooffend
Withpertinacy—
3Avoc.Lady—
LadyP.Suchapresence!Nosurely.
1Avoc.Wewellthinkit.
LadyP.Youmaythinkit.
1Avoc.Lethero'ercome.WTiatwitnesseshaveyouTomakegoodyourreport?
Bon.Ourconsciences.
Cel.Andheaven,thatneverfailstheinnocent.
4Avoc.Thesearenotestimonies.Bon.Notinyourcourts,
Wheremultitude,andclamourovercomes.IAvoc.Nay,thenyoudowaxinsolent.
Re-enterOfficers,bearingVOLPONEonacouch.
Volt.Here,here,
Thetestimonycomes,thatwillconvince,Andputtoutterdumbnesstheirboldtongues:Seehere,gravefathers,here'stheravisher,Therideronmen'swives,thegreatimpostor,Thegrandvoluptuary!DoyounotthinkTheselimbsshouldaffectvenery?ortheseeyesCovetaconcubine?prayyoumarkthesehands;Aretheynotfittostrokealady'sbreasts?—Perhapshedothdissemble!
Bon.Sohedoes.\'"ti.Wouldyouhavehimtortured?
Bon.Iwouldhavehimproved.
Volt.Besttryhimthenwithgoads,orburningirons;Puthimtothestrappado:IhaveheardTherackhathcuredthegout;'faith,giveithim,Andhelphimofamalady;becourteous.I'llundertake,beforethesehonour'dfathers,Heshallhaveyetasmanyleftdiseases,Asshehasknownadulterers,orthoustrumpets.—0,mymostequalhearers,ifthesedeeds,Actsofthisboldandmostexorbitantstrain,Maypasswithsufferance,whatonecitizenButowestheforfeitofhislife,yea,fame,Tohimthatdarestraducehim?whichofyouAresafe,myhonour'dfathers?Iwouldask,Withleaveofyourgravefatherhoods,iftheirplotHaveanyfaceorcolourliketotruth?Orif,untothedullestnostrilhere,Itsmellnotrank,andmostabhorredslander?Icraveyourcareofthisgoodgentleman,Whoselifeismuchendanger'dbytheirfable;Andasforthem,Iwillconcludewiththis,Thatviciouspersons,whenthey'rehotandflesh'dInimpiousacts,theirconstancyabounds:Damn'ddeedsaredonewith
greatestconfidence.
1Avoc.Takethemtocustody,andseverthem.
2Avoc.'Tispitytwosuchprodigiesshouldlive.
1Avoc.Lettheoldgentlemanbereturn'dwithcare.
[ExeuntOfficerswithVolpone.I'msorryourcredulityhathwrong'dhim.4Avoc.Thesearetwocreatures!
3Avoc.I'veanearthquakeinme.
2Avoc.Theirshame,evenintheircradles,fledtheirfaces.
4Avoc.Youhavedoneaworthyservicetothestate,sir,
Intheirdiscovery.[ToVoU.
1Avoc.Youshallhear,erenight,Whatpunishmentthecourtdecreesuponthem.
[ExeuntAvocat.,Not.,andOfficerswithBonarioandCelia.
Volt.Wethankyourfatherhoods.—Howlikeyouit?
Mos.Rare.
I'dhaveyourtongue,sir,tiptwithgoldforthis;I'dhaveyoubetheheirtothewholecity;TheearthI'dhavewantmen,ereyouwantliving:They'reboundtoerectyourstatueinSt.Mark's.SigniorCorvino,IwouldhaveyougoAndshewyourself,thatyouhaveconquer'd.
Corv.Yes.
3/05.Itwasmuchbetterthatyoushouldprof-
Yourself&cuckoldthus,thanthattheotherShouldhavebeenproved.
Corv.Nay,Iconsider'dthat:Nowitisherfault.
Mos.Thenithadbeenyours.
Corv.True;Idodoubtthisadvocatestill.
Mos.I'faithYouneednot,Idareeaseyouofthatcare.
Corv.Itrustthee,Mosca.[Exit.
Mos.Asyourownsoul,sir.
Corb.Mosca!
Mos.Nowforyourbusiness,sir.
Corb.How!haveyoubusiness?
Mos.Yes,your's,sir.
Corb.0,noneelse?
Mos.Noneelse,notI.
Corb.Becareful,then.
Mos.Restyouwithbothyoureyes,sir.
Corb.Dispatchit.
Mos.Instantly.
Corb.Andlookthatall,Whatever,beputin,jewels,plate,moneys.Householdstuff,bedding,curtains.
Mos.Curtain-rings,sir:Onlytheadvocate'sfeemustbededucted.
Corb.I'llpayhimnow;you'llbetooprodigal.
Mos.Sir,Imusttenderit.
Corb.Twochequinesiswell.
Mos.No,six,sir.
Corb.'Tistoomuch.
.3/05.Hetalk'dagreatwhile;Youmustconsiderthat,sir.
Corb.Well,there'sthree—
Mos.I'llgiveithim.
Corb.Doso,andthere'sforthee.[Exit.
Mos.Bountifulbones!WhathorridstrangeoffenceDidhecommit'gainstnature,inhisyouth,Worthythisage?[Aside.']—Yousee,sir,[toVolt.]howIworkUntoyourends:takeyounonotice.
Voll.No,I'llleaveyou.[Exit.
Mos.Allisyours,thedevilandall:Goodadvocate!—Madam,I'llbringyouhome.
LadyP.No,I'llgoseeyourpatron.
Mos.Thatyoushallnot:Plltellyouwhy.MypurposeistourgeMypatrontoreformhisWill;andforThezealyouhaveshewnto-day,whereasbeforeYouwerebutthirdorfourth,youshallbenow
Putinthefirst:whichwouldappearasbegg'd,Ifyouwerepresent.Therefore—
LadyP.Youshallswayme.[Exeunt.
ACTV
SCENEI.—ARoominVOLPONE'SHouse.EnterVOLPONE.
Volp.Well,Iamhere,andallthisbruntispast.Ine'erwasindislikewithmydisguiseTillthisfledmoment:here'twasgood,inprivate;Butinyourpublic,—cavewhilstIbreathe.'ForeGod,myleftleg'gantohavethecramp,AndIapprehendedstraightsomepowerhadstruckmeWithadeadpalsy:Well!Imustbemerry,Andshakeitoff.AmanyofthesefearsWouldputmeintosomevillainousdisease,Shouldtheycomethickuponme:I'llprevent'em.Givemeabowloflustywine,tofright
Thishumourfrommyheart.[Drinks.']—Hum,hum,hum!'Tisalmostgonealready;Ishallconquer.Anydevice,now,ofrareingeniousknavery,Thatwouldpossessmewithaviolentlaughter,Wouldmakemeupagain.[Drinksagain.']—So,so,so,so!Thisheatislife;'tisbloodbythistime:—Mosca!
EnterMOSCA.
Mos.Hownow,sir?doesthedaylookclearagain?Arewerecover'd,andwroughtoutoferror,Intoourway,toseeourpathbeforeus?Isourtradefreeoncemore?
Volp.ExquisiteMosca!
Mos.Wasitnotcarriedlearnedly?
Volp.Andstoutly:Goodwitsaregreatestinextremities.
Mos.Itwereafollybeyondthought,totrustAnygrandactuntoacowardlyspirit:Youarenottakenwithitenough,methinks.
Volp.O,morethanifIhadenjoy'dthewench:Thepleasureofallwoman-kind'snotlikeit.
Mos.Whynowyouspeak,sir.Wemustherebefix'd;Herewemustrest;thisisourmaster-piece;WTecannotthinktogobeyondthis.
Volp.True,Thouhastplay'dthyprize,mypreciousMosca.
Mos.Nay,sir,Togullthecourt—
Volp.AndquitedivertthetorrentUpontheinnocent.
Mos.Yes,andtomakeSorareamusicoutofdiscords—
Volp.Right.
Thatyettome'sthestrangest,howthouhastborneit!Thatthese,beingsodivided'mongstthemselves,Shouldnotscentsomewhat,orinmeorthee.Ordoubttheirownside.
Mos.True,theywillnotsee't.
Toomuchlightblindsthem,Ithink.EachofthemIssopossestandstuftwithhisownhopes,Thatanythinguntothecontrary,Neversotrue,orneversoapparent,Neversopalpable,theywillresistit—
Volp.Likeatemptationofthedevil.
Mos.Right,sir.
Merchantsmaytalkoftrade,andyourgreatsigniorsOflandthatyieldswell;butifItalyHaveanyglebemorefruitfulthanthesefellows,Iamdeceiv'd.Didnotyouradvocaterare?
Volp.O—Mymosthonour'dfathers,mygravefathers,Undercorrectionofyourfatherhoods,Whatfaceoftruthishere?IfthesestrangedeedsMaypass,mosthonour'dfathers—IhadmuchadoToforbearlaughing.
Mos.Itseem'dtome,yousweat,sir.
Volp.Introth,Ididalittle.
Mos.Butconfess,sir,Wereyounotdaunted?
Volp.Ingoodfaith,IwasAlittleinamist,butnotdejected;Never,butstillmyself.
Mos.Ithinkit,sir.
Now,sotruthhelpme,Imustneedssaythis,sir,Andoutofconscienceforyouradvocate,Hehastakenpains,infaith,sir,anddeserv'd,Inmypoorjudgment,Ispeakitunderfavour,Nottocontraryyou,sir,veryrichly—Well—tobecozen'd,
Volp.Troth,andIthinksotoo,BythatIheardhim,inthelatterend.
Mos.O,butbefore,sir:hadyouheardhimfirstDrawittocertainheads,thenaggravate,Thenusehisvehementfigures—Ilook'dstillWhenhewouldshiftashirt:and,doingthisOutofpurelove,nohopeofgain—
Volp.'Tisright.Icannotanswerhim,Mosca,asIwould,
Xotyet;butforthysake,atthyentreaty,Iwillbegin,evennow—tovexthemall,Thisveryinstant.
Mos.Goodsir.
Volp.CallthedwarfAndeunuchforth.
Mos.Castrone,Xano!
EnterCASTRONEandNANO.
Nano.Here.
Volp.Shallwehaveajignow?
Mos.^Tiatyouplease,sir.
Volp.Go,
Straightgiveoutaboutthestreets,youtwo,ThatIamdead;doitwithconstancy,Sadly,doyouhear?imputeittothegriefOfthislateslander.[ExeuntCast,andNano.
Mos.Whatdoyoumean,sir?
Volp.O,
IshallhaveinstantlymyVulture,Crow,Raven,comeflyinghither,onthenews,Topeckforcarrion,myshe-wolf,andall,Greedy,andfullofexpectation—
Mos.Andthentohaveitravish'dfromtheirmouths!
Volp.'Tistrue.Iwillhavetheeputonagown,Andtakeuponthee,asthouwertmineheir:Shewthemawill:Openthatchest,andreachForthoneofthosethathastheblanks;I'llstraightPutinthyname.
Mos.Itwillberare,sir.[Giveshimapaper.
Volp.Ay,Whentheyev'ngape,andfindthemselvesdeluded—
Mos.Yes.
Volp.Andthouusethemscurvily!Dispatch,getonthygown.
Mos.[puttingonagown.]Butwhat,sir,iftheyaskAfterthebody?
Volp.Say,itwascorrupted.
Mos.I'llsay,itstunk,sir;andwasfaintohaveitCoffin'dupInstantly,andsentaway.
Volp.Anything;whatthouwilt.Hold,here'smywill.Gettheeacap,acount-book,penandink,Papersaforethee;sitasthouwerttalcingAninventoryofparcels:I'llgetupBehindthecurtain,onastool,andhearken;Sometimepeepover,seehowtheydolook,Withwhatdegreestheirblooddothleavetheirfaces,O,'twillaffordmeararemealoflaughter!
Mos.[puttingonacap,andsettingoutthetable,etc.]Youradvocatewillturnstarkdulluponit.
Volp.Itwilltakeoffhisoratory'sedge.
Mos.Butyourclarissimo,oldround-back,heWillcrumpyoulikeahog-louse,withthetouch.
Volp.AndwhatCorvino?
Mos.O,sir,lookforhim,To-morrowmorning,witharopeanddagger,Tovisitallthestreets;hemustrunmad.Myladytoo,thatcameintothecourt,Tobearfalsewitnessforyourworship—
Volp.Yes,
Andkiss'dme'forethefathers,whenmyfaceFlow'dallwithoils.
Mos.Andsweat,sir.Why,yourgoldIssuchanothermed'cine,itdriesupAllthoseoffensivesavours:ittransformsThemostdeformed,andrestoresthemlovely,As'twerethestrangepoeticalgirdle.JoveCouldnotinventt'himselfashroudmoresubtleTopassAcrisius'guards.ItisthethingMakesalltheworldhergrace,heryouth,herbeauty.
Volp.Ithinkshelovesme.
Mos.Who?thelady,sir?She'sjealousofyou.
Volp.Dostthousayso?[Knockingwithin.
Mos.Hark,There'ssomealready.
Volp.Look.
Mos.ItistheVulture;Hehasthequickestscent.
Volp.I'lltomyplace,Thoutothyposture.[Goesbehindthecurtain.
Mos.Iamset.
Volp.But,Mosca,Playtheartificernow,torturethemrarely.
EnterVOLTORE.
Volt.Hownow,myMosca?Mos.[writing.]Turkeycarpets,nine—Volt.Takinganinventory1thatiswell.Mos.Twosuitsofbedding,tissue—Volt.Where'stheWill?Letmereadthatthewhile
EnterServants,withCORBACCIOinachair.
Corb.So,setmedown,
Andgetyouhome.[ExeuntServants.
Volt.Ishecomenow,totroubleus!
Mos.Ofclothofgold,hromore—Corb.Isitdone,Mosca?Mos.Ofseveralvelvetseight—Volt.Ilikehiscare.Corb.Dosttkounothear?
EnterCORVTNO.
Corb.Ha!isthehourcome,Mosca?Volp.[peepingoverthecurtain.]Ay,nowtheymuster.Corv.Whatdoestheadvocatehere,OrthisCorbaccio?
Cot6.Whatdothesehere?
EnterLadyPOL.WOULD-BE.
LadyP.Mosca!Ishisthreadspun?
Mos.Eightchestsoflinen—
Volp.0,MyfinedameWould-be,tool
Corv.Mosca,theWill,ThatImayshewitthese,andridthemhence.
Mos.Sixchestsofdiaper,fourofdamask.—There."
[GivesthemtheWillcarelesshj,overhisshoulder.
Corb.IsthattheWill?
Mos.Down-bedsandbolsters—
Volp.Rare!
Bebusystill.Nowtheybegintonutter:Theyneverthinkofme.Look,see,see,see!Howtheirswifteyesrunoverthelongdeed,Untothename,andtothelegacies,Whatisbequeathedthemthere—
Mos.Tensuitsofhangings—
Volp.Ay,intheirgarters,Mosca.NowtheirhopesAreatthegasp.
Volt.Moscathehcirl
Corb.What'sthat?
Volp.Myadvocateisdumb;looktomymerchant,Hehasheardofsomestrangestorm,ashipislost,Hefaints;myl;ulvwillswoon.Oldglazeneyes,Hehathnotreach'dhisdespairyet.
Corb.AlltheseAreoutofhope;Iam,sure,theman.[TakestheWill.
Corv.But,MDSC:I—
MI»S.Twocalutt'f*.
Corv.Isthisinearnest?
M»s.OneOfebony—
Corv.Ordoyoubutdoliulpmo?
Mos.Theother,motherofpearl—Iamverybusy.
Goodfaith,itisafortunethrownuponme—Item,onesaltofagate—notmyseeking.
LadyP.Doyouhear,sir?
Mos.Aperfumedbox—'Prayyouforbear,YouseeI'mtroubled—madeofanonyx—
LadyP.How!
Mos.To-morrowornextday,IshallbeatleisureTotalkwithyouall.
Corv.Isthismylargehope'sissue?
LadyP.Sir,Imusthaveafakeranswer.
Mos.Madam!
Marry,andshall:'prayyou,fairlyquitmyhouse.Nay,raisenotempestwithyourlooks;butharkyou,Rememberwhatyourladyshipoffer'dmeToputyouinanheir;goto,thinkonit:Andwhatyousaide'enyourbestmadamsdidFormaintenance;andwhynotyou?Enough.Gohome,andusethepoorsirPol,yourknight,well,ForfearItellsomeriddles;go,bemelancholy.
[ExitLadyWould-be.
Volp.O,myfinedevil!
Corv.Mosca,'prayyouaword.
Mos.Lord!willyounottakeyourdispatchhenceyet?Methinks,ofall,youshouldhavebeentheexample.Whyshouldyoustayhere?withwhatthought,whatpromise?Hearyou;doyounotknow,Iknowyouanass,Andthatyouwouldmostfainhavebeenawittol,Iffortunewouldhaveletyou?thatyouareAdeclaredcuckold,ongoodterms?Thispearl,You'llsay,wasyours?right:thisdiamond?I'llnotdeny't,butthankyou.Muchhereelse?Itmaybeso.Why,thinkthatthesegoodworksMayhelptohideyourbad.I'llnotbetrayyou;Althoughyoubebutextraordinary,Andhaveitonlyintitle,itsufficeth:Gohome,bemelancholytoo,ormad.[ExitCorvino.
Volp.RareMosca!howhisvillainybecomeshim1
Volt.Certainhedothdeludealltheseforme.
Corb.Moscathehek!
Volp.O,hisfoureyeshavefoundit.
Corb.Iamcozen'd,cheated,byaparasiteslave;Harlot,thouhastgull'dme.
71/os.Yes,sir.Stopyourmouth,OrIshalldrawtheonlytoothisleft.Arenotyouhe,thatfilthycovetouswretch,Withthethreelegs,thathere,inhopeofprey,Have,anytimethisthreeyears,snuff'dabout,Withyourmostgrovellingnose,andwouldhavehkedMetothepoisoningofmypatron,sk?
Arenotyouhethathaveto-dayincourt
Profess'dthedisinheritingofyourson?
Perjuredyourself?Gohome,anddie,andstink.
Ifyoubutcroakasyllable,allcomesout:
Away,andcallyourporters![ExitCorbaccio.]Go,go,stink.
Volp.Excellentvarlet!
Volt.Now,myfaithfulMosca,Ifindthyconstancy.
Mos.Sir!
Volt.Sincere.
Mos.[writing.]AtableOfporphyry—Imarieyou'llbethustroublesome.
Volt.Nay,leaveoffnow,theyaregone.
Mos.Why,whoareyou?
What!whodidsendforyou?O,cryyoumercy,Reverendsir!Goodfaith,Iamgrievedforyou,ThatanychanceofmineshouldthusdefeatYour(Imustneedssay)mostdeservingtravails:ButIprotest,sir,itwascastuponme,AndIcouldalmostwishtobewithoutit,Butthatthewillo'thedeadmustbeobserv'd.Marry,myjoyisthatyouneeditnot;Youhaveagift,sir,(thankyoureducation,)Willneverletyouwant,whiletherearemen,Andmalice,tobreedcauses.WouldIhadButhalfthelike,forallmyfortune,sir!IfIhaveanysuits,asIdohope,Thingsbeingsoeasyanddirect,Ishallnot,Iwillmakeboldwithyourobstreperousaid,Conceiveme,—foryourfee,sir.Inmeantime,Youthathavesomuchlaw,IknowhavetheconscienceXottobecovetousofwhatismine.Goodsir,Ithankyouformyplate;'twillhelpTosetupayoungman.Goodfaith,youlookAsyouwerecostive;bestgohomeand
purge,sir.[ExitVoltore.Volp.[comesfrombehindthecurtain.]Bidhimeatlettucewell.
Mywittymischief,
Letmeembracethee.OthatIcouldnowTransformtheetoaVenus!—Mosca,go,Straighttakemyhabitofclarissimo,Andwalkthestreets;beseen,tormentthemmore:Wemustpursue,aswellasplot.WhowouldHavelostthisfeast?
Mos.Idoubtitwilllosethem.Volp.O,myrecoveryshalliv<overall.ThatIcouldnowbutthinkondi-^ui
Tomeetthemin,andaskthemq>as:
Iwouldvexthemstillateveryturn!
Mos.Sir,1canlityou.
Volp.Canstthou?
Mos.Yes,Iknow
Oneo'thecommandadori,sir,solikeyou;HimwillIstraightmakedrunk,andbringyouhishabit.
Volp.Araredisguise,andansweringthybrain!O,Iwillbeasharpdiseaseuntothem.
Mos.Sir,youmustlookforcurses—
Volp.Tilltheyburst;TheFoxfareseverbestwhenheiscurst.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—AHallinSirPOLITICK'SHouse.EnterPEREGRINEdisguised,andthreeMerchants.
Per.AmIenoughdisguised?
1Mer.Iwarrantyou.
Per.Allmyambitionistofrighthimonly.
2Mer.Ifyoucouldshiphimaway,'twereexcellent.
3Mer.ToZant,ortoAleppo?Per.Yes,andhavehis
Adventuresputi'theBookofVoyages,Andhisgull'dstoryregister'dfortruth.Well,gentlemen,whenIaminawhile,Andthatyouthinkuswarminourdiscourse,Knowyourapproaches.
1Mer.Trustittoourcare.[ExeuntMerchants.
EnterWaiting-woman.
Per.Saveyou,fairlady!IssirPolwithin?
Worn.Idonotknow,sir.
Per.Prayyousayuntohim,Hereisamerchant,uponearnestbusiness,Desirestospeakwithhim.
Worn.Iwillsee,sir.[Exit.
Per.Prayyou.—Iseethefamilyisallfemalehere.
Re-enterWaiting-woman.
Worn.Hesays,sir,hehasweightyaffairsofstate,Thatnowrequirehimwhole;someothertimeYoumaypossesshim.
Per.Prayyousayagain.
Ifthoserequirehimwhole,thesewillexacthim,WhereofIbringhimtidings.[ExitWoman.}—WhatmightbeHisgraveaffairofstatenow!howtomakeBologniansausageshereinVenice,sparingOneo'theingredients?
Re-enterWaiting-woman.
Worn.Sir,hesays,heknowsByyourwordtidings,thatyouarenostatesman,
Andthereforewillsyoustay.
Per.Sweet,prayyoureturnhim;Ihavenotreadsomanyproclamations,Andstudiedthemforwords,ashehasdone—But—herehedeignstocome.[ExitWoman
EnterSirPOLITICK.
SirP.Sir,Imustcrave
Yourcourteouspardon.Therehathchancedto-day,Unkinddisaster'twixtmyladyandme;AndIwaspenningmyapology,Togivehersatisfaction,asyoucamenow.
Per.Sir,IamgrievedIbringyouworsedisaster:Thegentlemanyoumetattheportto-day,Thattoldyou,hewasnewlyarrived—
SirP.Ay,wasAfugitivepunk?
Per.No,sir,aspysetonyou;Andhehasmaderelationtothesenate,ThatyouprofesttohimtohaveaplotToselltheStateofVenicetotheTurk.
SirP.0me!
Per.Forwhich,warrantsaresign'dbythistime,Toapprehendyou,andtosearchyourstudy
Forpapers—
SirP.Alas,sir,Ihavenone,butnotesDrawnoutofplay-books—
Per.Allthebetter,sir.
SirP.Andsomeessays.WhatshallIdo?
Per.Sir,best
Conveyyourselfintoasugar-chest;Or,ifyoucouldlieround,afrailwererare,AndIcouldsendyouaboard.
SirP.Sir,Ibuttalk'dso,Fordiscoursesakemerely.[Knockingwithin.
Per.Hark!theyarethere.
SirP.Iamawretch,awretchI
Per.Whatwillyoudo,sir?Haveyoune'eracurrant-butttoleapinto?They'llputyoutotherack;youmustbesudden.
SirP.Sir,Ihaveaningine—
3Mer.[within.]SirPolitickWould-be1
2Mer.[within.1]Whereishe?
SirP.ThatIhavethoughtuponbeforetime.
Per.Whatisit?
SirP.Ishallne'erendurethetorture.Marry,itis,sir,ofatortoise-shell,Fittedfortheseextremities:prayyou,sir,helpme.HereI'veaplace,sir,toputbackmylegs,
Pleaseyoutolayiton,sir,[liesdownwhilePeregrineplaces
theshelluponhim.]—withthiscap,Andmyblackgloves.I'lllie,sir,likeatortoise,'Tilltheyaregone.
Per.Andcallyouthisaningine?
SirP.MineowndeviceGoodsir,bidmywife'swomen
Toburnmypapers.[Ex-itPeregrine.
ThethreeMerchantsrushin.
1Mer.Whereishehid?3Mer.Wemust,
Andwillsurefindhim.
2Mer.Whichishisstudy?
Re-enterPEREGRINE.
1Mer.WhatAreyou,sir?
Per.Iamamerchant,thatcameheroTolookuponthistortoise.
3Mer.How!
1Mer.St.Mark!Whatbeastisthis!
Per.Itisafish.
2Mer.Comeouthere!
Per.Nay,youmaystrikehim,sir,andtreaduponhim;He'llbearacart.
1Mer.What,torunoverhim?Per.Yes,sir.
3Mer.Let'sjumpuponhim.
2Mer.Canhenotgo?Per.Hecreeps,sir.
1Mer.Let'sseehimcreep.
Per.No,goodsir,youwillhurthim.
2Mer.Heart,Iwillseehimcreep,orprickhisguts.
3Mer.Comeouthere!
Per.Prayyou,sir!—Creepalittle.[AsidetoSirPolitick.
1Mer.Forth.
2Mer.Yetfarther.Per.Goodsir!—Creep.
2Mer.We'llseehislegs.
[Theypullofftheshellanddiscoverhim.
3Mer.Odsso,hehasgarters!
1Mer.Ay,andgloves!
2Mer.IsthisYourfearfultortoise?
Per.[discoveringhimself.]Now,sirPol,weareeven;ForyournextprojectIshallbeprepared:Iamsorryforthefuneralofyournotes,sir.
1Mer.'TwereararemotiontobeseeninFleet-street.
2Mer.Ay,intheTerm.
1MPT.OrSmithfield,inthefair.
3Mer.Methinks'tisbutamelancholysight.Per.Farewell,mostpolitictortoise!
[ExeuntPer.andMerchants.
Re-enterWaiting-woman.
SirP.Where'smylady?Knowssheofthis?
Worn.Iknownot,sir.
SirP.Enquire.—O,Ishallbethefableofallfeasts,Thefreightofthegazetti,ship-boy'stale;And,whichisworst,eventalkforordinaries.
Worn.Mylady'scomemostmelancholyhome,Andsays,sir,shewillstraighttosea,forphysic.
SirP.AndItoshunthisplaceandclimeforever,Creepingwithhouseonback,andthinkitwellToshrinkmypoorheadinmypoliticshell.[Exeunt.
'SCENEIII.—ARoominVOLPONE'SHouse.
EnterMOSCAinthehabitofaClarissimo,andVOLTONEinthatofaCommandadore.
Volp.AmIthenlikehim?
Mos.0,sir,youarehe;Nomancanseveryou,
Volp.Good.
Mos.ButwhatamI?
Volp.'Foreheaven,abraveclarissimo;thoubecorn'stit!Pitythouwertnotbornoue.
Mos.IfIholdMymadeone,'twillbewell.[Aside.
Volp.I'llgoandseeWhatnewsfirstatthecourt.[Exit.
Mos.Doso.MyFoxIsoutofhishole,andereheshallre-enter,I'llmakehimlanguishinhisborrow'dca•,Excepthecometocompositionwithme.—Androgyne,Castrone,Xano!
EnterANDROGYNO,CASTRONE,andXAXO.
AllHere.
i.Go,recreateyourselvesabroad;gosport.—[ExaSi,nowIhavethekeys,andamy><
•ohewillneedsbedeadaforehistim••,I'llburyhim,orgainbyhim:Iamhisln'ir,Andsowillkeepme,tillheshareatleast.Tocozenhimofall,werebutacheat
Wellplaced;nomanwouldconstrueitasin:
Lethissportpayfor't.Thisiscall'dtheFox-trap.[Exit.
SCENEIV.—AStreet.EnterCORBACCIOandCoRViisro.
Corb.Theysay,thecourtisset.
Corv.WemustmaintainOurfirsttalegood,forbothourreputations.
Corb.Why,mine'snotale:mysonwouldtherehavekill'dme.
Corv.That'strue,Ihadforgot:—mineis,I'msure.[Aside.
ButforyourWill,sir.
Corb.Ay,I'llcomeuponhimForthathereafter,nowhispatron'sdead.
EnterVOLPONE.
Volp.SigniorCorvino!andCorbaccio!sir,Muchjoyuntoyou.
Corv.Ofwhat?
Volp.ThesuddengoodDroptdownuponyou—
Corb.Where?
Volp.Andnoneknowshow,FromoldVolpone,sir.
Corb.Out,arrantknave!
Volp.Letnotyourtoomuchwealth,sir,makeyoufurious.
Corb.Away,thouvarlet!
Volp.Why,sir?
Corb.Dostthoumockme?
Volp.Youmocktheworld,sir;didyounotchangeWills?
Corb.Out,harlot!
Volp.O!belikeyouarethema^,SigniorCorvino?'faith,youcarryitwell;Yougrownotmadwithal;Iloveyourspirit:Youarenotover-leaven'dwithyourfortune.Youshouldhavesomewouldswellnow,likeawine-fat,WithsuchanautumnDidhegiveyouall,sir?
Corv.Avoid,yourascal!
Volp.Troth,yourwifehasshewnHerselfaverywoman;butyouarewell,Youneednotcare,youhaveagoodestate,Tobearitout,sir,betterbythischance:ExceptCorbacciohaveashare.
Corb.Hence,varlet.
Volp.Youwillnotbeacknown,sir;why,'tiswise.Thusdoallgamesters,atallgames,dissemble:Nomanwillseemtowin.[ExeuntCorvinoandCorbaccio.]—Here
comesmyvulture,Heavinghisbeakupintheair,andsnuffing.
EnterVOLTORE.
Volt.Outstrip!thus,byaparasite!aslave,Wouldrunonerrands,andmakelegsforcrumbs!Well,whatI'lldo—
Volp.Thecourtstaysforyourworship.Ie'enrejoice,sir,atyourworship'shappiness,Andthatitfellintosolearnedhands,Thatunderstandthefingering—
Volt.Whatdoyoumean?
Volp.Imeantobeasuitortoyourworship.Forthesmalltenement,outofreparations,That,totheendofyourlongrowofhouses,BythePiscaria:itwas,inVolpone'stime,Yourpredecessor,erehegrewdiseased,Ahandsome,pretty,custom'dbawdy-houseAsanywasinVenice,nonedispraised;Butfellwithhim:hisbodyandthathouseDecay'dtogether.
Volt.Come,sir,leaveyourprating.
Volp.Why,ifyourworshipgivemebutyourhand,ThatImayhavetherefusal,Ihavedone.'Tisameretoytoyou,sir;candle-rents;Asyourlearn'dworshipknows—
Volt.WhatdoIknow?
Volp.Marry,noendofyourwealth,sir;Goddecreaseit!
Volt.Mistakingknave!what,mock'stthoumymisfortune?
[Exit.
Volp.Hisblessingonyourheart,sir;would'tweremore!—Nowtomyfirstagain,atthenextcorner.[Exit.
SCENEV.—AnotherpartoftheStreet.
EnterCORBACCIOandCORVINO;—MOSCApassesoverthe
Stage,beforethem.
Corb.See,inourhabit!seetheimpudentvarlet!
Corv.ThatIcouldshootmineeyesathimlikegun-stones!
EnterVOLPONE.
Volp.Butisthistrue,sir,oftheparasite?
Corb.Again,toafflictus!monster!
Volp.Ingoodfaith,sir,
I'mheartilygrieved,abeardofyourgravelengthShouldbesoover-reach'd.Ineverbrook'dThatparasite'shair;methoughthisnoseshouldcozen:Therestillwassomewhatinhislook,didpromiseThebaneofaclarissimo.
Corb.Knave—
Volp.Methinks
Yetyou,thataresotradedintheworld,
Awittymerchant,thefinebird,Corvino,
Thathavesuchmoralemblemsonyourname,
Shouldnothavesungyourshame,anddroptyourcheese,
TolettheFoxlaughatyouremptiness.
Corv.Sirrah,youthinktheprivilegeoftheplace,Andyourredsaucycap,thatseemstomeNail'dtoyourjolt-headwiththosetwochequines,Canwarrantyourabuses;comeyouhither:Youshallperceive,sir,Idarebeatyou;approach.
Volp.Nohaste,sir,Idoknowyourvalourwell,Sinceyoudurstpublishwhatyouare,sir.
Corv.Tarry,I'dspeakwithyou.
Volp.Sir,sir,anothertime—
Corv.Nay,now.
Volp.Olord,sir!Iwereawiseman,Wouldstandthefuryofadistractedcuckold.
[Asheisrunningoff,re-enterMosca.
Corb.What,comeagain!
Volp.Upon'em,Mosca;saveme.
Corb.Theair'sinfectedwherehebreathes.
Corv.Let'sflyhim[ExeuntCorv.andCorb.
Volp.Excellentbasilisk!turnuponthevulture.
EnterVOLTORE.
Volt.Well,flesh-fly,itissummerwithyounow;Yourwinterwillcomeon.
Mos.Goodadvocate,
Pritheenotrail,northreatenoutofplacethus;Thou'ltmakeasolecism,asmadamsays.Getyouabigginmore,yourbrainbreaksloose.[Exit.
Volt.Well,sir.
Volp.Wouldyouhavemebeattheinsolentslave,Throwdirtuponhisfirstgoodclothes?
Volt.ThissameIsdoubtlesssomefamiliar.
Volp.Sir,thecourt,
Introth,staysforyou.Iammad,amuleThatneverreadJustinian,shouldgetup,Andrideanadvocate.HadyounoquirkToavoidgullage,sir,bysuchacreature?Ihopeyoudobutjest;hehasnotdoneit,'Tisbutconfederacy,toblindtherest.Youaretheheir.
Volt.Astrange,officious,Troublesomeknave!thoudosttormentme.
Volp.Iknow—Itcannotbe,sir,thatyoushouldbecozen'd;
'Tisnotwithinthewitofmantodoit;
Youaresowise,soprudent;and'tisfit
Thatwealthandwisdomstillshouldgotogether.[Exeunt.
SCENEVI.—TheScrutineoorSenate-House.
EnterAvocatori,Notario,BONARIO,CELIA,CORBACCIO,CORVLNO,Coinmandadori,Sam",etc.
1Avoc.Areallthepartieshere?Not.Allbuttheadvocate.
2Avoc.Andherehecomes.
EnterVOLTOREandVOLPONE.
1Avoc.Thenbringthemforthtosentence.
Volt.0,mymosthonour'dfathers,letyourmercyOncewinuponyourjustice,toforgive—Iamdistracted—
Volp.Whatwillhedonow?[Aside.
Volt.O,
Iknownotwhichtoaddressmyselftofirst;Whetheryourfatherhoods,ortheseinnocents—
Corv.Willhebetrayhimself?[Aside.
Volt.WhomequallyIhaveabused,outofmostcovetousends—
Corv.Themanismad!
Corb.What'sthat?
Corv.Heispossest.
Volt.Forwhich,nowstruckinconscience,here,IprostrateMyselfatyouroffendedfeet,forpardon.
1,2Avoc.Arise.
Cel.0heaven,howjustthouart!
Volp.IamcaughtInmineownnoose—[Aside.
Corv.[toCorbaccio.]Beconstant,sir:noughtnowCanhelp,butimpudence.
1Avoc.Speakforward.
Com.Silence!
Volt.Itisnotpassioninme,reverendfathers,Butonlyconscience,conscience,mygoodsires,Thatmakesmenowtelltruth.Thatparasite,Thatknave,hathbeentheinstrumentofall.
1Avoc.Whereisthatknave?fetchhim.
Volp.Igo.[Exit.
Corv.Gravefathers,
Thisman'sdistricted;heconfestitnow:l-«r,hopingtobeoldVoJpone'sheir,\Vlionowisdead—
3Ainc.How!
2Aooc.IsVulponedead?
Corv.Deadsince,gravefathers.Bon.0surevengeance!
1Avoc.Stay,
Thenhewasnodeceiver.
Volt.Ono,none:Theparasite,gravefathers.
Corv.Hedoesspeak
Outofmereenvy,'causetheservant'smadeThethinghegapedfor:pleaseyourfatherhoods,Thisisthetruth,thoughI'llnotjustifyTheother,buthemaybesome-dealfaulty.
Volt.Ay,toyourhopes,aswellasmine,Corvino:ButI'llusemodesty.Pleasethyourwisdoms,Toviewthesecertainnotes,andbutconferthem;AsIhopefavour,theyshallspeakcleartruth.
Corv.Thedevilhasenter'dhim!
Bon.Orbidesinyou.
4Avoc.Wehavedoneill,byapublicofficerTosendforhim,ifhebeheir.
2Avoc.Forwhom?
4Avoc.Himthattheycalltheparasite.
3Avoc.'Tistrue,
Heisamanofgreatestate,nowleft.
4Avoc.Goyou,andlearnhisname,andsay,thecourtEntreatshispresencehere,buttotheclearing
Ofsomefewdoubts.[ExitNotary.
2Avoc.Thissame'salabyrinth!
1Avoc.Standyouuntoyourfirstreport?
Corv.Mystate,Mylife,myfame—
Bon.Whereisit?
Corv.Areatthestake.
1Avoc.Isyourssotoo?Corb.Theadvocate'saknave,
Andhasaforkedtongue—
2Avoc.Speaktothepoint.Corb.Soistheparasitetoo.1Avoc.Thisisconfusion.
Volt.Idobeseechyourfatherhoods,readbutthose—
[Givingthempapers.
Corv.Andcreditnothingthefalsespirithathwrit:Itcannotbe,buthe'spossest,gravefathers.[Thescenecloses.
SCENEVIL—AStreet.EnterVOLPONE.
Volp.Tomakeasnareformineownneck!andrunMvheadintoit,wilfully!withlaughter!WhenIhadnewly'scaped,wasfree,andclear,
Outofmerewantonness!O,thedulldevilVv'asinthisbrainofmine,whenIdevisedit,AndMoscagaveitsecond;hemustnowHelptosearupthisvein,orwebleeddead.—
EnterNANO,ANDROGYNO,andCASTRONE.
Plownow!wholetyouloose?whithergoyounow?What,tobuygingerbread,ortodrownkitlings?
Nan.Sir,masterMoscacall'dusoutofdoors,Andbidusallgoplay,andtookthekeys.
And.Yes.
Volp.DidmasterMoscatakethekeys?whyso!I'mfartherin.Thesearemyfineconceits!Imustbemerry,withamischieftome!WhatavilewretchwasI,thatcouldnotbearMyfortunesoberly?Imusthavemycrotchets,Andmyconundrums!Well,goyou,andseekhim:Hismeaningmaybetruerthanmyfear.Bidhim,hestraightcometometothecourt;ThitherwillI,and,iftbepossible,Unscrewmyadvocate,uponnewhopes:WhenIprovokedhim,thenIlostmyself.[Exeunt.
SCENEVIII.—TheScrutineo,orSenate-House.
Wocatori,BONARIO,CELTA,CORBACCIO,CORVINO,Comman-dadori,Saffi,etc.,asbefore.
1Avoc.Thesethingscanne'erbereconciled.He,here,
[Shewingthepapers.
Professeth,thatthegentlemanwaswrong'd,Andthatthegentlewomanwasbroughtthither,Forcedbyherhusband,andthereleft.
Volt.Mosttrue.
Cel.Howreadyisheaventothosethatpray!
1Avoc.Butthat
Volponewouldhaveravish'dher,heholdsUtterlyfalse,knowinghisimpotence.
Corv.Gravefathers,he'spossest;again,Isay,Possest:nay,iftherebepossession,andObsession,hehasboth.
3Avoc.Herecomesourofficer.
EnterVOLPONE.
Volp.Theparasitewillstraightbehere,crr.ivcfathers.
4Avoc.Youmightinventsomeothername,sirvailct.
3Avoc.Didnotthenotarymeethim?Volp.NotthatIknow.
4Avoc.Hiscomingwillclearall.
2Avoc.Yet,itismisty.
Volt.May'tpleaseyourfatherhoods—
Volp.[whispersVolt.]Sir,theparasiteWill'dmetotellyou,thathismasterlives;Thatyouarestilltheman;yourhopesthesame;Andthiswasonlyajest—
Volt.How?
Volp.Sir,totryIfyouwerefirm,andhowyoustoodaffected.
Volt.Artsurehelives?
Volp.DoIlive,sir?
Volt.Ome!Iwastooviolent.
Volp.Sir,youmayredeemit.
Theysaid,youwerepossest;falldown,andseemso:I'llhelptomakeitgood.[Voltorefalls.]—Godblesstheman!—Stopyourwindhard,andswell—See,see,see,see!Hevomitscrookedpins!hiseyesareset,Likeadeadhare'shunginapoulter'sshop!Hismouth'srunningaway!Doyousee,signior?Nowitisinhisbelly.
Corv.Ay,thedevil!
Volp.Nowinhisthroat.
Corv.Ay,Iperceiveitplain.
Volp.'Twillout,'twillout!standclear.Seewhereitflies,Inshapeofabluetoad,withabat'swings!Doyounotseeit,sir?
Corb.What?IthinkIdo.
Corv.'Tistoomanifest.
Volp.Look!hecomestohimself!
Volt.WhereamI?
Volp.Takegoodheart,theworstispast,sir.Youaredispossest.
1Avoc.Whataccidentisthis!
2Avoc.Sudden,andfullofwonder!
3Avoc.Ifhewere
Possest,asitappears,allthisisnothing.
Corv.Hehasbeenoftensubjecttothesefits.
1Avoc.Shewhimthatwriting:—doyouknowit,sir?Volp.[whispersVolt.]Denyit,sir,forswearit;knowitnot.Volt.Yes,Idoknowitwell,itismyhand;
Butallthatitcontainsisfalse.Bon.Opractice!
2Avoc.Whatmazeisthis!
1Avoc.Ishenotguiltythen,Whomyoutherenamethe"parasite?
Volt.Gravefathers,Nomorethanhisgoodpatron,oldVolpone.
4Avoc.Why,heisdead.
Volt.Ono,myhonour'dfathers,
lielives—
1Avoc.How!lives?Volt.Lives.
2Avoc.Thisissubtleryet!
3Avoc.Yousaidhewasdead.Volt.Never.
3Avoc.Yousaidso.Corv.Iheardso.
4Avoc.Herecomesthegentleman;makehimway.
EnterMOSCA.
3Avoc.Astool.
4Avoc.Aproperman;and,wereVolponedead,
Afitmatchformydaughter.[Aside.
3Avoc.Givehimway.
Volp.Mosca,Iwasalmostlost;theadvocateHadbetrayedall;butnowitisrecovered;All'sonthehingeagainSay,Iamliving.[AsidetoMos.
Mos.Whatbusyknaveisthis!—Mostreverendfathers,Isoonerhadattendedyourgravepleasures,ButthatmyorderforthefuneralOfmydearpatron,didrequireme—
Volp.Mosca![Aside.
Mos.WhomIintendtoburylikeagentleman.
Volp.Ay,quick,andcozenmeofall.[Aside.
2Avoc.Stillstranger1Moreintricate!
1Avoc.Andcomeaboutagain!
4Avoc.Itisamatch,mydaughterisbestow'd.[Aside.Mos.Willyougivemehalf?[AsidetoVolp.Volp.First,I'llbehang'd.
Mos.IknowYourvoiceisgood,crynotsoloud.
1Avne.Demand
Theadvocate.—Sir,didyounotaffirmVolponewasalive?
Volp.Yes,andheis;Thisgentlemantoldmeso.—Thoushalthavehalf.—
[AsidetoMos.
Mos.Whosedrunkardisthissame?speak,somethatknowhim:Ineversawhisface.—IcannotnowAffordityousocheap.[AsidetoVolp.
Volp.No!
1Awe.Whatsayyou?
Volt.Theofficertoldme.
Volp.Idid,gravefathers,
Andwillmaintainhelives,withminoownlife,Andthatthiscreature\i>«'nitstoAlosca.]toldme.—IwasbornWithallgoodstarsmyenemies.[Aside.
Mos.Mostgravefathers,IfsuchaninsolenceasthismustpassUponme,Iamsilent:'twasnotthisForwhichyousent,Ihope.
2Avoc.Takehimaway.Volp.Mosca!
3Avoc.Lethimbewhipt.Volp.Wiltthoubetrayme?
Cozenme?
3Avoc.AndtaughttobearhimselfTowardapersonofhisrank.
4Avoc.Away.[TheOfficersseizeVolpone.Mos.Ihumblythankyourfatherhoods.
Volp.Soft,soft:Whipt!AndloseallthatIhave!IfIconfess,Itcannotbemuchmore.[Aside.
4Avoc.Sir,areyoumarried?
Volp.They'llbealliedanon;Imustberesolute:TheFoxshallhereuncase.[Throwsoffhisdisguise.
Mos.Patron!
Volp.Nay,now
Myruinsshallnotcomealone:yourmatchI'llhindersure:mysubstanceshallnotglueyou,Norscrewyouintoafamily.
Mos.Why,patron!
Volp.IamVolpone,andthisismyknave;[PointingtoMosca.This,[toVolt.]hisownknave;this,[toCorb.]avarice'sfool;This,[toCorv.]achimeraofwittol,fool,andknave:And,reverendfathers,sinceweallcanhopeNoughtbutasentence,let'snotnowdespairit.Youhearmebrief.
Corv.Mayitpleaseyourfatherhoods—
Com.Silence.
1Avoc.Theknotisnowundonebymiracle.
2Avoc.Nothingcanbemoreclear.
3Avoc.OrcanmoreproveTheseinnocent.
1Avoc.Givethemtheirliberty.
Bon.Heavencouldnotlongletsuchgrosscrimesbehid.
2Avoc.Ifthisbeheldthehigh-waytogetriches,MayIbepoor!
3Avoc.Thisisnotthegain,buttorment.
1Avoc.Thesepossesswealth,assickmenpossessfevers,Whichtruliermaybesaidtopossessthem.
2Avoc.Disrobethatparasite.
Corv.Mos.Mosthonour'dfathers!—
1Avoc.Canyoupleadaughttostaythecourseofjustice?Ifyoucan,speak.
Corv.Volt.Webegfavour.
Cd.Andmercy.
1Avoc.Youhurtyourinnocence,suingfortheguilty.Standforth;andfirsttheparasite:YouappearT'havebeenthechiefestminister,ifnotplotter,Inalltheselewdimpostures;andnow,lastly,Havewithyourimpudenceabusedthecourt,AndhabitofagentlemanofVenice,Beingafellowofnobirthorblood:Forwhichoursentenceis,first,thoubewhipt;Thenliveperpetualprisonerinourgallies.
Volp.Ithankyouforhim.
Mos.Banetothywolvishnature!
1Avoc.Deliverhimtothesaffi.[Moscaiscarriedout.]—
Thou,Volpone,
Bybloodandrankagentleman,canstnotfallUnderlikecensure;butourjudgmentontheeIs,thatthysubstanceallbestraightconfiscateTothehospitaloftheIncurabili:And,sincethemostwasgottenbyimposture,Byfeigninglame,gout,palsy,andsuchdiseases,Thouarttolieinprison,cramp'dwithirons,Tillthoube'stsickandlameindeed.—Removehim.
[HeistakenfromtheBar.
Volp.Thisiscall'dmortifyingofaFox.
1Avoc.Thou,Voltore,totakeawaythescandalThouhastgivenallworthymenofthyprofession,Artbanish'dfromtheirfellowship,andourstate.Corbaccio!—bringhimnear—WeherepossessThysonofallthystate,andconfinetheeTothemonasteryofSanSpirito;Where,sincethouknewestnothowtolivewellhere,Thoushaltbelearn'dtodiewell.
Corb.Ah!whatsaidhe?
Com.Youshallknowanon,sir.
1Avoc.Thou,Corvino,shalt
Bestraightembark'dfromthineownhouse,androw'dRoundaboutVenice,throughthegrandcanale,Wearingacap,withfairlongass'sears,Insteadofhorns;andsotomount,apaperPinn'donthybreast,totheBerlina—
Corv.Yes,
Andhavemineeyesbeatoutwrithstinkingfish,Bruisedfruit,androtteneggs—'Tiswell.IamgladIshallnotseemyshameyet.
1Avoc.Andtoexpiate
Thywrongsdonetothywife,thouarttosendherHometoherfather,withherdowrytrebled:Andtheseareallyourjudgments.
All.Honour'dfathers.—
1Avne.Whichmaynotberevoked.Nowyoubegin,Whencrimesaredone,andpast,andtobepunish'd,Tothinkwhatyourcrimesare:awaywiththem.Letallthatseethesevicesthusrewarded,Takeheartandlovetostudy'em!MischiefsfeedLikebeasts,tilltheybefat,andthentheybleed.[Exeunt.
VOLPONEcornerforward.
Theseasoningofaplay,istheapplause.
Now,thoughtheFoxbepunish'dbythelaws,
Heyetdothhope,thereisnosufferingdue,
Foranyfactwhichhehathdone'gainstyou;
Iftherebe,censurehim;herehedoubtfulstands:
Ifnot,farejovially,anddapyourhands.[Exit.
EPICCENE;OR,THESILENTWOMAN
TOTHETRULYNOBLEBYALLTITLES
SIRFRANCISSTUART
SIR,—Myhopeisnotsonourishedbyexample,asitwillconclude,thisdumbpieceshouldpleaseyou,becauseithathpleasedothersbefore;butbytrust.thatwhenyouhavereadit,youwillfinditworthytohavedispleasednone.ThismakesthatInownumberyou,notonlyinthenameso1favour,butthenamesofjusticetowhatIwrite;anddopresentlycallyouto
theexerciseofthatnoblest,andmanliestvirtue;ascovetingrathertobefreedinmyfame,bytheauthorityofajudge,thanthecreditofanundertaker.Read,therefore,Iprayyou,andcensure.Thereisnotaline,orsyllableinit,changedfromthesimplicityofthefirstcopy.And,whenyoushallconsider,throughthecertainhatredo1some,howmuchaman'sinnocencymaybeendangeredbyanuncertainaccusation;youwill,Idoubtnot,sobegintohatetheiniquityofsuchnatures,asIshalllovethecontumelydoneme,whoseendwassohonourableastobewipedoffbyyoursentence.Yourunprofitable,buttrueLover.
BENJONSON.
DRAMATISPERSOX.-E
MOROSE,aGentlemanthatlovesno
noise.SIRDAUPHINEEUGENIE,aKnight,
hisNephew.NEDCLERIMONT,aGentleman,his
Friend.
TRUEWIT,anotherFriend.SIRJOHNDAW,aKnight.SIRAMOROUSLA-FOOLE,aKnight
also.THOMASOTTER,aLandandSea
Captain.
CUTBEARD,aBarber.MUTE,oneofMOROSE'SSen-mils.Parn.
PagetoCLERIMONT.
EPICCENE,supposedtheSilent
Woman.
LADYHAUGHTY,\LADYCENTAURE,[LadiesCollc-MISTRESSDOL.giatcs.
MAVIS,MISTRESSOTTER,
Captain'sWife,MISTI.-IssTRUSTY,
I!.11\n,IITY'S
Woman,
SiTV;illt>,
S<INK,LONPoN
PROLOGUE.
Truthsays,ofoldtheartofmakingplaysWastocontentthepeople;andtheirpraiseWastothepoetmoney,wine,andbays.
Butinthisage,asectofwritersare,That,only,forparticularlikingscare,Andwilltastenothingthatispopular.
Withsuchwemingleneitherbrainsnorbreasts;Ourwishes,liketothosemakepublicfeasts,Arenottopleasethecook'stastebuttheguests'.
Yet,ifthosecunningpalateshithercome,Theyshallfindguests'entreaty,andgoodroom;Andthoughallrelishnot,suretherewillbesome,
That,whentheyleavetheirseats,shallmakethemsay,Whowrotethatpiece,couldsohavewroteaplay,Butthatheknewthiswasthebetterway.
For,topresentallcustard,oralltart,
Andhavenoothermeatstobearapart,
Ortowantbread,andsalt,werebutcoarseart.
Thepoetpraysyouthen,withbetterthoughtTosit;and,whenhiscafesareallinbrought,Thoughtherebenonefar-fet,therewilldear-bought,
Befitforladies:someforlords,knights,'squires;Someforyourwaiting-wench,andcity-wires;Someforyourmen,anddaughtersofWhitefriars.
Norisit,only,whileyoukeepyourseatHere,thathisfeastwilllast;butyoushalleatAweekatordinaries,onhisbrokenmeat:
Ifhismusebetrue,
Whocommendshertoyou.
ANOTHER,
Theendsofall,whoforthescenedowrite.Are,orshouldbe,toprofitanddelight.AndstilVthathbeenthepraiseofallbesttimes,80personswerenottouctid,totaxthecrimes.Then,inthisplay,whichwepresentto-night,Andmaketheobjectofyourearandsight,Onforfeitofyourselves,thinknothingtrue:
soyoumakethemakertojudgeyou.Forheknows,poetnevercreditgaindBywritingtrnth-s,butthings,liketruths,wellfeign'd.Ifanyyetwill,withparticularsleightOfapplication,wrestwJiathedothwrite;Andthathemeant,orhim,orher,willsay:Theymakealibel,whichhemadeaplay.
ACTI
SCENEI.—ARoominCLERIMOXT'SHouse.EnterCLERIMONT,makinghimselfready,
followedbyhisPage.
Cler.Haveyougotthesongyetperfect,Igaveyou,boy?
Page.Yes,sir.
Cler.Letmehearit.
Page.Youshall,sir;buti'faithletnobodyelse.
Cler.Why,Ipray?
Page.Itwillgetyouthedangerousnameofapoetintown,sir;besidesmeaperfectdealofill-willatthemansionyouwotof,whoseladyistheargumentofit;wherenowIamthewelcomestthingunderamanthatcomesthere.
Cler.Ithink;andaboveamantoo,ifthetruthwererack'doutofyou.
Page.No,faith,I'llconfessbefore,sir.Thegentlewomenplaywithme,andthrowmeonthebed,andcarrymeintomylady:andshekissesmewithheroil'dface,andputsaperukeonmyhead;andasksmeanIwillwearhergown?andIsayno:andthenshehitsmeablowo'theear,andcallsmeInnocent!andletsmego.
Cler.Nomarvelifthedoorbekeptshutagainstyourmaster,
whentheentranceissoeasytoyouwell,sir,youshallgothere
nomore,lestIbefaintoseekyourvoiceinmylady'srushes,afortnighthence.Sing,sir.[Pagesings.
Stilltobeneat,stilltobedrest—
EnterTRUEWIT.
True.Why,here'sthemanthatcanmeltawayhistimeandneverfeelsit!Whatbetweenhismistressabroadandhisin:_rleathome,highfare,softlodging,fineclothes,andhisfiddle;hethinksthehourshavenowings,orthedaynopost-horse.Well,sirgallant,wereyoustruckwiththe]>l;i'_ruethisminute,ore<>n-demn'dtoanycapitalpunishmenttn-morrmv,youwould1><thentothink,andvalueeveryarticleofyourtime,esteemitatthetruerate,andgiveallforit.
Cler.Whywhatshouldamand<>?
True.Why,nothing;orthatwhich,when'tisdone,isasidle.
Hearkenafterthenexthorse-race,orhunting-match,laywagers,praisePuppy,orPeppercorn,White-foot,Franklin;swearuponWhitemane'sparty;speakaloud,thatmylordsmayhearyou;visitmyladiesatnight,andbeabletogivethemthecharacterofeverybowlerorbetteronthegreen.Thesebethethingswhereinyourfashionablemenexercise
themselves,andIforcompany.
Cler.Nay,ifIhavethyauthority,I'llnotleaveyet.Come,theotherareconsiderations,whenwecometohavegrayheadsandweakhams,moisteyesandshrunkmembers.We'llthinkon'emthen;andwe'llprayandfast.
True.Ay,anddestineonlythattimeofagetogoodness,whichourwantofabilitywillnotletusemployinevil!
Cler.Why,then'tistimeenough.
True.Yes;asifamanshouldsleepalltheterm,andthinktoeffecthisbusinessthelastday.O,Clerimont,thistime,becauseitisanincorporealthing,andnotsubjecttosense,wemockourselvesthefineliestoutofit,withvanityandmiseryindeed!notseekinganendofwretchedness,butonlychangingthematterstill.
Cler.Nay,thou'ltnotleavenow—
True.Seebutourcommondisease!withwhatjusticecanwecomplain,thatgreatmenwillnotlookuponus,norbeatleisuretogiveouraffairssuchdispatchasweexpect,whenwewillneverdoittoourselves?norhear,norregardourselves?
Cler.Foh!thouhastreadPlutarch'smorals,now,orsomesuchtediousfellow;anditshewssovilelywiththee!'foreGod,'twillspoilthywitutterly.Talktomeofpins,andfeathers,andladies,andrushes,andsuchthings:andleavethisStoicityalone,tillthoumak'stsermons.
True.Well,sir;ifitwillnottake,Ihavelearn'dtoloseaslittleofmykindnessasIcan;I'lldogoodtonomanagainsthiswill,certainly.Whenwereyouatthecollege?
Cler."Whatcollege?
True.Asifyouknewnot!
Cler.No,faith,Icamebutfromcourtyesterday.
True.Why,isitnotarrivedthereyet,thenews?Anewfoundation,sir,hereinthetown,ofladies,thatcallthemselvesthecol-legiates,anorderbetweencourtiersandcountry-madams,thatlivefromtheirhusbands;andgiveentertainmenttoallthewits,andbraveriesofthetime,astheycallthem:crydown,orup,whattheylikeordislikeinabrainorafashion,withmostmasculine,orratherhermaphroditicalauthority;andeverydaygaintotheircollegesomenewprobationer.
Cler,Whoisthepresident?
True.Thegraveandyouthfulmatron,theladyHaughty.
Cler.Apoxofherautumnalface,herpiecedbeauty!there'snomancanbeadmittedtillshebeready,now-a-days,tillshehaspainted,andperfumed,andwash'd,andscour'd,buttheboy,here;andhimshewipesheroil'dlipsupon,likeasponge.Ihavemadeasong(Ipray
theehearit)onthesubject.[Pagesings.
Stilltobeneat,stilltobedrest,
Asyouweregoingtoafeast;
Stilltobepowder'd,stillperfum'd;
Lady,itistobepresumed,
Thoughart'shidcausesarenotfound,
Allisnotsweet,allisnotsound.
Givemealook,givemeaface,
Thatmakessimplicityagrace;
Robeslooselyflowing,hairasfree:
Suchsweetneglectmoretakethme,
Thanalltheadulteriesofart;
Theystrikemineeyes,butnotmyheart.
True.AndIamclearlyontheotherside:Iloveagooddressingbeforeanybeautyo'theworld.0,awomanisthenlikeadelicategarden;noristhereonekindofit;shemayvaryeveryhour;takeoftencounselofherglass,andchoosethebest.Ifshehavegoodears,shewthem;goodhair,layitout;goodlegs,wearshortclothes;agoodhand,discoveritoften:practiseanyarttomendbreath,cleanseteeth,repaireye-brows;paint,andprofessit.
Cler.How!publicly?
True.Thedoingofit,notthemanner:thatmustbeprivate.Manythingsthatseemfoulinthedoing,dopleasedone.Aladyshould,indeed,studyherface,whenwethinkshesleeps;nor,whenthedoorsareshut,shouldmenbeenquiring;allissacredwithin,then.Isitforustoseetheirperukesputon,theirfalseteeth,theircomplexion,theireye-brows,theirnails?Youseegilderswillnotwork,butinclosed.Theymustnotdiscoverhowlittleserves,withthehelpofart,toadornagreatdeal.HowlongdidthecanvashangaforeAldgate?Werethepeoplesufferedtoseethecity'sLoveandCharity,whiletheywererudestone,beforetheywerepaintedandburnish'd?No;nomoreshouldservantsapproachtheirmistresses,butwhentheyarecompleteandfinish'd.
Cler.Wellsaid,myTruewit.
True.Andawiseladywillkeepaguardalwaysupontheplace,thatshemaydothingssecurely.Ioncefollowedarudefellowintoachamber,wherethepoormadam,forhaste,andtroubled,snatch'datherperuketocoverherbaldness;andputitonthe
wrongway.
Cler.0prodigy!
True.Andtheunconscionableknaveheldherincomplimentnnhourwiththatreverstface,whenIstilllook'dwhensheshouldtalkfromthet'otherside.
Cler.Why,thoushouldsthaverelievedher.
True.No,faith,Iletheralonr-.aswe'llletthisarcniment,ifyouplease,andpasstoanother.WhensawyouDauj'hineKu<ifni"'.'
Cler.Notthesethreedays.Shallwegotohimthismorning?hoisverymelancholy,Ihear.
True.Sick'oftheuncle,ishe?Imetthatstiffpieceofformality,hisuncle,yesterday,withahugeturbanofnight-capsonhishead,buckledoverhisears.
Cler.0,that'shiscustomwhenhewalksabroad.Hecanendurenonoise,man.
True.SoIhaveheard.Butisthediseasesoridiculousinhimasitismade?Theysayhehasbeenupondiverstreatieswiththefish-wivesandorange-women;andarticlespropoundedbetweenthem:marry,thechimney-sweeperswillnotbedrawnin.
Cler.No,northebroom-men:theystandoutstiffly.Hecannotendureacostard-monger,heswoonsifhehearone.
True.Methinksasmithshouldbeominous.
Cler.Oranyhammer-man.Abrasierisnotsuffer'dtodwellintheparish,noranarmourer.Hewouldhavehang'dapewterer'sprenticeonceuponaShrove-tuesday'sriot,forbeingofthattrade,whentherestwerequit.
True.Atrumpetshouldfrighthimterribly,orthehautboys.
Cler.Outofhissenses.Thewaightsofthecityhaveapensionofhimnottocomenearthatward.Thisyouthpractisedonhimonenightlikethebell-man;andneverlefttillhehadbroughthimdowntothedoorwithalongsword;andtherelefthimnourishingwiththeair.
Page.Why,sir,hehathchosenastreettolieinsonarrowatbothends,thatitwillreceivenocoaches,norcarts,noranyofthesecommonnoises:andthereforewethatlovehim,devisetobringhiminsuchaswemay,nowandthen,forhisexercise,tobreathehim.Hewouldgrowrestyelseinhisease:hisvirtuewouldrustwithoutaction.Ientreatedabearward,oneday,tocomedownwiththedogsofsomefourparishesthatway,andIthankhimhedid;andcriedhisgamesundermasterMorose'swindow:tillhewassentcryingaway,withhisheadmadeamostbleedingspectacletothemultitude.And,anothertime,afencermarchingtohisprize,hadhisdrummosttragicallyrunthrough,fortakingthatstreetinhiswayatmyrequest.
True.Agoodwag!Howdoesheforthebells?
Cler.0,intheQueen'stime,hewaswonttogooutoftowneverySaturdayatteno'clock,oronholydayeves.Butnow,byreasonofthesickness,theperpetuityofringinghasmadehimdevisearoom,withdoublewallsandtrebleceilings;thewindowscloseshutandcaulk'd:andtherehelivesbycandle-light.Heturn'dawayaman,lastweek,forhavingapairofnewshoesthatcreak'd.Andthisfellowwaitsonhimnowintennis-courtsocks,orslipperssoledwithwool:andtheytalkeachtootherinatrunk.See,whocomeshere!
EnterSirDATJPHINEEUGENIE.
Daup.HownowIwhatailyou,sirs?dumb?True.Struckintostone,almost,Iamhere,withtaleso'thinenncle.Therewasneversuchaprodigyheardof.
Daup.Iwouldyouwouldoncelosethissubject,mymasters,formysake.Theyaresuchasyouare,thathavebroughtmeintothatpredicamentIamwithhim.
True.Howisthat?
Daiip.Marry,thathewilldisinheritme;nomore.Hethinks,IandmycompanyareauthorsofalltheridiculousActsandMonumentsaretoldofhim.
True.'Slid,Iwouldbetheauthorofmoretovexhim;thatpurposedeservesit:itgivestheelawofplaguinghim.I'lltelltheewhatIwoulddo.Iwouldmakeafalsealmanack,getitprinted;andthenhavehimdrawnoutonacoronationdaytotheTower-wharf,andkillhimwiththenoiseoftheordnance.Disinheritthee!hecannot,man.Artnotthounextofblood,andhissister'sson?
Daup.Ay,buthewillthrustmeoutofit,hevows,andmarry.
True.How!that'samoreportent.Canheendurenonoise,andwillventureonawife?
Cler.Yes:whythouartastranger,itseems,tohisbesttrick,yet.HehasemployedafellowthishalfyearalloverEnglandtohearkenhimoutadumbwoman;besheofanyform,oranyquality,soshebeabletobearchildren:hersilenceisdowryenough,hesays.
True.ButItrusttoGodhehasfoundnone.
Cler.No;buthehasheardofonethat'slodgedinthenextstreettohim,whoisexceedinglysoft-spoken;thriftyofherspeech;thatspendsbutsixwordsaday.Andherhe'saboutnow,andshallhaveher.
True.Is'tpossible!whoishisagentinthebusiness?
Cler.Marry,abarber,oneCutbeard;anhonestfellow,onethattellsDauphineallhere.
True.Whyyouoppressmewithwonder:awoman,andabarber,andlovenonoise!
Cler.Yes,faith.Thefellowtrimshimsilently,andhasnottheknackwithhissheersorhisfingers:andthatcontinenceinabarberhethinkssoeminentavirtue,asithasmadehimchiefofhiscounsel.
True.Isthebarbertobeseen,orthewench?
Cler.Yes,thattheyare.
True.Iprithee,Dauphine,let'sgothither.
Daup.Ihavesomebusinessnow:Icannot,i'faith.
True.Youshallhavenobusinessshallmakeyouneglectthis,sir:we'llmakehertalk,believeit;or,ifshewillnot,wecangiveoutatleastsomuchasshallinterruptthetreaty;wewillbreakit.Thouartboundinconscience,whenhesuspectstheewithoutcause,totormenthim.
Daup.NotI,byanymeans.I'llgivenosuffrageto't.Heshallneverhavethatpleaagainstme,thatIopposedtheleastphant'syofhis.Letitlie,uponmystarstobeguilty,I'llbeinnocent.
True.Yes,andbepoor,andbeir;<!<>,innocent:whensomegroomofhi.-h;isjzothimanheir,orthisl.;irl>cr,ifhehimselfcannot'
Innocent!—Iprithee,Ned,whereliesshe?lethimbeinnocent
V/er.Why.rightoveragainstthebarber's;inthehousewheresirJohnDawlies.
True.YoudonotmeantoconfoundmeI
Cler.Why?
True.Doeshethatwouldmarryherknowsomuch7
Cler.Icannottell.
True.'Twereenoughofimputationtoherwithhim.
Cler.Why?
TrueTheonlytalkingsirinthetown!JackDaw!andneteachhernottospeak!—Godbewi'you.Ihavesomebusinesstoo.
Cler.Willyounotgothither,then?
True.NotwiththedangertomeetDaw,formineears.
Cler.'Why,Ithoughtyoutwohadbeenuponverygoodterms.
True.Yes,ofkeepingdistance.
Cler.Theysay,heisaverygoodscholar.
TrueAy,andhesaysitfirst.Apoxonhim,afellowthatpretendsonlytolearning,buystitles,andnothingelseofbooks
inhim!
Cler.Theworldreportshimtobeverylearned.
TrueIamsorrytheworldshouldsoconspiretobeliehim.
ClerGoodfaith,Ihaveheardverygoodthingscomefromhim.
TrueYoumay;there'snonesodesperatelyignoranttodenythat:wouldtheywerehisown!Godbewi'you,gentlemen.
[Exithastily.
Cler.Thisisveryabrupt!
Daup.Come,youareastrangeopenman,totelleverythingthus.Cler.Why,believeit,Dauphine,Truewit'saveryhonestfellow.Daup.Ithinknoother:butthisfranknatureofhisisnotfor
secrets.
Cler.Nay,then,youaremistaken,Dauphine:Iknowwherehehasbeenwelltrusted,anddischargedthetrustverytruly,and
heartily.
Daup.Icontendnot,Ned;butwiththefewerabusinessiscarried,itiseverthesafer.Nowwearealone,ifyou'llgothither,Iamforyou.
Cler.Whenwereyouthere?
Daup.Lastnight:andsuchaDecameronofsportfallenout!Boccaceneverthoughtofthelike.Dawdoesnothingbutcourther;andthewrongway.Hewouldliewithher,andpraiseshermodesty;desiresthatshewouldtalkandbefree,andcommendshersilenceinverses;whichhereads,andswearsarethebestthatevermanmade.Thenrailsathisfortunes,stamps,andmutines,whyheisnotmadeacounsellor,andcall'dtoaffairsofstate.
Cler.Ipritheelet'sgo.Iwouldfainpartakethis.—Somewater,boy.[ExitPage.
Daup.Weareinvitedtodinnertogether,heandI,byonethatcamethithertohim,sirLa-Foole.
Clcr.0,that'sapreciousmannikinl
Daup.Doyouknowhim?
Cler.Ay,andhewillknowyoutoo,ife'erhepawyoubutonce,thoughyoushouldmeethimatchurchinthemidstofprayers.Heisoneofthebraveries,thoughhebenoneofthewits.Hewillsaluteajudgeuponthebench,andabishopinthepulpit,alawyerwhenheis
pleadingatthebar,andaladywhensheisdancinginamasque,andputherout.Hedoesgiveplays,andsuppers,andinviteshisgueststothem,aloud,outofhiswindow,astheyridebyincoaches.HehasalodgingintheStrandforthepurpose:ortowatchwhenladiesaregonetothechina-houses,ortheExchange,thathemaymeetthembychance,andgivethempresents,sometwoorthreehundredpounds'worthoftoys,tobelaugh'dat.Heisneverwithoutasparebanquet,orsweet-meatsinhischamber,fortheirwomentoalightat,andcomeuptoforabait.
Daup.Excellent!hewasatineyouthlastnight;butnowheismuchfiner!whatishisChristianname?Ihaveforgot.
Ee-enlerPage.
Clcr.SirAmorousLa-Foole.
Page.Thegentlemanisherebelowthatownsthatname.
Cler.'Heart,he'scometoinvitemetodinner,Iholdmylife.
Daup.Likeenough:prithee,let'shavehimup.
Cler.Boy,marshalhim.
Paqe.Withatruncheon,sir?
Cler.Away,Ibeseechyou.[ExitPage.}—I'llmakehimtellushispedigreenow;andwhatmeathehastodinner;andwhoarehisguests;andthewholecourseofhisfortunes;withabreath.
EnterSirAMOROUSLA-FOOLE.
La-F.'Save,dearsirDauphine!honouredmasterClerimont!
Cler.SirAmorous!youhaveverymuchhonestedmylodgingwithyourpresence.
La-F.Goodfaith,itisafinelodging:almostasdelicatealodgingasmine.
Cler.Notso,sir.
La-F.Excuseme,sir,ifitwereintheStrand,Iassureyou.Iamcome,masterClerimont,toentreatyoutowaitupontwoorthreeladies,todinner,to-day.
Cler.How,sir!waituponthem?didyoueverseemecarrydishes?
La-F.No,sir,dispensewithme;Imeant,tobearthemcompany.
Cler.0,thatIwill,sir:thedoubtfulnessofyourphrase,believoit,sir,wouldbreedyouaquarrelonceanhour,withtheterrible
ys,ifyoushouldbutkeepthemfellowshipaday.
La-F.Itshouldbeextremelyagainstmywill,sir,ifIcontestedwithanyman.
Cler.Ibelieveit,sir:Whereoldyouyourfeast?
La-F.AtTomOtter's,sir.
Daup.TomOtter!what'she?
La-F.CaptainOtter,sir;heisakindofgamester,buthehashadcommandbothbyseaandbyland.
Daup.0,thenheisanimalamphibium?
La-F.Ay,sir:hiswifewastherichchina-woman,thatthecourtiersvisitedsooften;thatgavetherareentertainment.Shecommandsallathome.
Cler.ThensheiscaptainOtter.
La-F.Yousayverywell,sir;sheismykinswoman,aLa-Foolebythemother-side,andwillinviteanygreatladiesformysake.
Daup.NotoftheLa-FoolesofEssex?
La-F.No,sir,theLa-FoolesofLondon.
Cler.Now,he'sin.[Aside.
La-F.Theyallcomeoutofourhouse,theLa-Foolesofthenorth,theLa-Foolesofthewest,theLa-Foolesoftheeastandsouth—weareasancientafamilyasanyisinEurope—butImyselfamdescendedlineallyoftheFrenchLa-Fooles—and,wedobearforourcoatyellow,oror,checker'dazure,andgules,andsomethreeorfourcoloursmore,whichisaverynotedcoat,andhas,sometimes,beensolemnlywornbydiversnobilityofourhouse—butletthatgo,antiquityisnotrespectednow.—Ihadabraceoffatdoessentme,gentlemen,andhalfadozenofpheasants,adozenortwoofgodwits,andsomeotherfowl,whichIwouldhaveeaten,whiletheyaregood,andingoodcompany:—therewillbeagreatladyortwo,myladyHaughty,myladyCentaure,mistressDolMavis—andtheycomeo'purposetoseethesilentgentlewoman,mistressEpiccene,thathonestsirJohnDawhaspromisedtobringthither—andthen,mistressTrusty,mylady'swoman,willbetheretoo,andthishonourableknight,sirDauphine,withyourself,masterClerimont—andwe'llbeverymerry,andhavefidlers,anddance.—Ihavebeenamadwaginmytime,andhavespentsomecrownssinceIwasapageincourt,tomylordLofty,andafter,mylady'sgentleman-usher,whogotmeknightedinIreland,sinceitpleasedmyelderbrothertodie.—Ihadasfairagoldjerkinonthatday,asanywornintheislandvoyage,oratCadiz,nonedispraised;andIcameoverinithither,shew'dmyselftomyfriendsincourt,andafterwentdowntomytenantsinthecountry,andsurveyedmylands,letnewleases,tooktheirmoney,spentitintheeyeo'thelandhere,uponladies:—andnowIcantakeupatmypleasure.
Daup.Canyoutakeupladies,sir?
Cler.0,lethimbreathe,hehasnotrecover'd.
Daup.WouldIwereyourhalfinthatcommodity!
La-F.No,sir,excuseme:Imeantmoney,whichcantakeupanything.Ihaveanotherguestortwo,toinvite,andsayasmuchto,gentlemen.I'lltakemyleaveabruptly,inhopeyouwillnotfailYourservant.[Exit.
Daup.Wewillnotfailyou,sirpreciousLa-Foole;butsheshall,thatyourladiescometosee,ifIhavecreditaforesirDaw.
Cler.Didyoueverhearsuchawind-sucker,asthis?Daup.Orsucharookastheother,thatwillbetrayhismistresstobeseen!Come,'tistimewepreventedit.
Cler.Go.[Exeunt.
ACTII
SCENEI.—ARoominMOROSE'SHouse.EnterMOROSE,withatubeinhishand,followedbyMUTE.
Mor.CannotI,yet,findoutamorecompendiousmethod,thanbythistrunk,tosavemyservantsthelabourofspeech,andmineearsthediscordsofsounds?Letmesee:alldiscoursesbutmyownafflictme;theyseemharsh,impertinent,andirksome.Isitnotpossible,thatthoushouldstanswermebysigns,andIapprehendthee,fellow?Speaknot,thoughIquestionyou.Youhavetakentheringofffromthestreetdoor,asIbadeyou?answermenotbyspeech,butbysilence;unlessitbeotherwise[Mutemakesaleg.]—verygood.Andyouhavefastenedonathickquilt,orflock-bed,ontheoutsideofthedoor;thatiftheyknockwiththeirdaggers,orwithbrick-bats,theycanmakenonoise?—Butwithyourleg,youranswer,unlessitbeotherwise,[makesaleg.]—Verygood.Thisisnotonlyfitmodestyinaservant,butgoodstateanddiscretioninamaster.AndyouhavebeenwithCutbeardthebarber,tohavehimcometome?[makesaleg.]—Good.And,hewillcomepresently?Answermenotbutwithyourleg,unlessitbeotherwise;ifitbeotherwise,shakeyourhead,orshrug,[makesaleg.]—So!YourItalianandSpaniardarewiseinthese:anditisafrugalandcomelygravity.HowlongwillitbeereCutbeardcome?Stay;ifanhour,holdupyourwholehand,ifhalfanhour,twofingers;ifaquarter,one;[holdsupafingerbent.]—Good:halfaquarter?'tiswell.Andhaveyougivenhimakey,tocomeinwithoutknocking?[makesaleg.]—good.Andisthelockoil'd,andthehinges,to-day?[makesaleg.]—good.Andthequiltingofthestairsnowherewornoutandbare?[makesaleg.]—Verygood.Isee,bymuchdoctrine,andimpulsion,itmaybeeffected;standliy.TheTurk,inthisdivinediscipline,isadmirable,exceedingallthepotentatesoftheearth;stillwaitedonbymutes;andallniscommandssoexecuted;yea,eveninthewar,asIhaveheard,andinhismarches,mostofhischargesanddirectionsgivenbysiiMis,andwithsilence:anexquisiteart!andIamheartilyashamed,andangryoftentimes,thattheprinrosofChristendomshouldsufferabarbariantotranscendtheminsohiirhapointoffelicity.Iwillpractiseithereafter.[Ahornwindedwithin.]—Hownow?oh!oh!whatvillain,whatprodigyofmankindisthat?look.
[ExitMut>\]—[Hornagain.]—Oh!cuthisthroat,cuthisthroat!whatmurderer,hell-hound,devilcanthisbe?
Re-enterMUTE.
Mute.Itisapostfromthecourt—Mor.Out,rogue!andmustthoublowthyhorntoo?Mute.Alas,itisapostfromthecourt,sir,thatsays,hemustspeakwithyou,painofdeath—Mor.Painofthylife,besilent!
EnterTRUEWITwithapost-horn,andahalterinhishand.
True.Byyourleave,sir;—Iamastrangerhere:—IsyournamemasterMorose?isyournamemasterMorose?Fishes!Pythagoreansall!Thisisstrange.Whatsayyou,sir?nothing!HasHarpocratesbeenherewithhisclub,amongyou?Well,sir,Iwillbelieveyoutobethemanatthistime:Iwillventureuponyou,sir.Yourfriendsatcourtcommendthemtoyou,sir—
Mor.0men10manners!wasthereeversuchanimpudence?
True.Andareextremelysolicitousforyou,sir.
Mor.Whoseknaveareyou?
True.Mineownknave,andyourcompeer,sir.
Mor.Fetchmemysword—
True.Youshalltastetheonehalfofmydagger,ifyoudo,groom;andyoutheother,ifyoustir,sir:Bepatient,Ichargeyou,intheking'sname,andhearmewithoutinsurrection.Theysay,youaretomarry;tomarry!doyoumark,sir?
Mor.Howthen,rudecompanion!
True.Marry,yourfriendsdowonder,sir,theThamesbeingsonear,whereinyoumaydrown,sohandsomely;orLondon-bridge,atalowfall,withafineleap,tohurryyoudownthestream;or,suchadelicatesteepleinthetown,asBow,tovaultfrom;or,abraverheight,asPaul's:Or,ifyouaffectedtodoitnearerhome,andashorterway,anexcellentgarret-windowintothestreet;or,abeaminthesaidgarret,withthishalter[shewshimthehalter.]—whichtheyhavesent,anddesire,thatyouwouldsoonercommityourgraveheadtothisknot,thantothewedlocknoose;or,takealittlesublimate,andgooutoftheworldlikearat;orafly,asonesaid,withastrawinyourarse:anyway,ratherthanfollowthisgoblinMatrimony.Alas,sir,doyoueverthinktofindachastewifeinthesetimes?now?whentherearesomanymasques,plays,Puritanpreachings,madfolks,andotherstrangesightstobeseendaily,privateandpublic?IfyouhadlivedinkingEthel-dred'stime,sir,orEdwardtheConfessor,youmight,perhaps,havefoundoneinsomecoldcountryhamlet,then,adullfrostywench,wouldhavebeencontentedwithoneman:now,theywillassoonbepleasedwithoneleg,oroneeye.I'lltellyou,sir,themonstroushazardsyoushallrunwithawife.
Mor.Goodsir,haveIevercozen'danyfriendsofyoursoftheirland?boughttheirpossessions?takenforfeitoftheirmortgage?begg'dareversionfromthem?bastardedtheir
issue?WhathaveIdone,thatmaydeservethis?
True.Nothing,sir,thatIknow,butyouritchofmarriage.
JJ/or.Why,ifIhadmadeanassassinateuponyourfather,vitiatedyourmother,ravishedyoursisters—
True.Iwouldkillyou,sir,Iwouldkillyou,ifyouhad.
Mor.Why,youdomoreinthis,sir:itwereavengeancecentuple,forallfacinorousactsthatcouldbenamed,todothatyoudo.
True.Alas,sir,Iambutamessenger:Ibuttellyou,whatyoumusthear.Itseemsyourfriendsarecarefulafteryoursoul'shealth,sir,andwouldhaveyouknowthedanger:(butyoumaydoyourpleasureforallthem,Ipersuadenot,sir.)If,afteryouaremarried,yourwifedorunawaywithavaulter,ortheFrenchmanthatwalksuponropes,orhimthatdancesthejig,orafencerforhisskillathisweapon;whyitisnottheirfault,theyhavedischargedtheirconsciences;whenyouknowwhatmayhappen.Nay,suffervaliantly,sir,forImusttellyoualltheperilsthatyouareobnoxiousto.Ifshebefair,youngandvegetous,nosweetmeatseverdrewmoreflies;alltheyellowdoubletsandgreatrosesinthetownwillbethere.Iffoulandcrooked,she'llbewiththem,andbuythosedoubletsandroses,sir.Ifrich,andthatyoumarryherdowry,nother,she'llreigninyourhouseasimperiousasawidow.Ifnoble,allherkindredwillbeyourtyrants.Iffruitful,asproudasMay,andhumorousasApril;shemusthaveherdoctors,hermidwives,hernurses,herlongingseveryhour;thoughitbeforthedearestmorselofman.Iflearned,therewasneversuchaparrot;allyourpatrimonywillbetoolittleforthegueststhatmustbeinvitedtohearherspeakLatinandGreek;andyoumustliewithherinthoselanguagestoo,ifyouwillpleaseher.Ifprecise,youmustfeastallthesilencedbrethren,onceinthreedays;salutethesisters;entertainthewholefamily,orwoodofthem;andhearlong-windedexercises,singingsandcatechisings,whichyouarenotgivento,andyetmustgivefor;topleasethezealousmatronyourwife,whofortheholycause,willcozenyouoverandabove.Youbegintosweat,sir!butthisisnothalf,i'faith:youmaydoyourpleasure,notwithstanding,asIsaidbefore:Icomenottopersuadeyou.[Muteisstealingaway.]—Uponmyfaith,masterserving-man,ifyoudostir,Iwillbeatyou.
Mor.0,whatismysin!whatismysin!
True.Then,ifyouloveyourwife,orratherdoteonher,sir;O,howshe'lltortureyou,andtakepleasureinyourtorments!youshallliewithherbutwhenshelists;shewillnothurtherbeauty,hercomplexion;oritmustbeforthatjewel,orthatpearl,whenshedoes:everyhalfhour'spleasuremustbeboughtanew,andwiththesamepainandchargeyouwoo'dheratfirst.Thenyoumustkeepwhatservantssheplease;whatcompanyshewill;thatfriendmustnotvisityouwithoutherlicense;andhimshelovesmost,shewillseemtohateeagerliest,todeclineyourjealousy;or,foiimtobejealousofyoufirst;andforthatcausegolivewithhershe-friend,orcousinatthecollege,thatcaninstructherinallthemysteriesofwritingletters,corruptingservants,tamingspies;whereshemusthavethatrichgownforsuchagreatday;anew
oneforthenext;aricherforthethird;beservedinsilver;havethechamberfill'dwitha
successionofgrooms,footmen,ushers,andothermessengers;besidesembroiderers,jewellers,tire-women,sempsters,feathermen,perfumers;whilstshefeelsnothowthelanddropsaway,northeacresmelt;norforeseesthechange,whenthemercerhasyourwoodsforhervelvets;neverweighswhatherpridecosts,sir;soshemaykissapage,orasmoothchin,thathasthedespairofabeard:beastateswoman,knowallthenews,whatwasdoneatSalisbury,whatattheBath,whatatcourt,whatinprogress;or,soshemaycensurepoets,andauthors,andstyles,andcomparethem;DanielwithSpenser,Jonsonwiththet'otheryouth,andsoforth:orbethoughtcunningincontroversies,ortheveryknotsofdivinity;andhaveofteninhermouththestateofthequestion;andthenskiptothemathematics,anddemonstration:andanswerinreligiontoone,instatetoanother,inbawdrytoathird.
Mor.0,0!
True.Allthisisverytrue,sir.Andthenhergoingindisguisetothatconjurer,andthiscunningwoman:wherethefirstquestionis,howsoonyoushalldie?next,ifherpresentservantloveher?next,ifsheshallhaveanewservant?andhowmany?whichofherfamilywouldmakethebestbawd,maleorfemale?whatprecedencesheshallhavebyhernextmatch?andsetsdowntheanswers,andbelievesthemabovethescriptures.Nay,perhapsshe'llstudytheart.
Mor.Gentlesir,haveyoudone?haveyouhadyourpleasureofme?I'llthinkofthesethings.
True.Yes,sir:andthencomesreekinghomeofvapourandsweat,withgoingafoot,andliesinamonthofanewface,alloilandbirdlime;andrisesinasses'milk,andiscleansedwithanewfucus:Godbewi'you,sir.Onethingmore,whichIhadalmostforgot.Thistoo,withwhomyouaretomarry,mayhavemadeaconveyanceofhervirginityaforehand,asyourwisewidowsdooftheirstates,beforetheymarry,intrusttosomefriend,sir:Whocantell?Orifshehavenotdoneityet,shemaydo,uponthewedding-day,orthenightbefore,andantedateyoucuckold.Thelikehasbeenheardofinnature.'Tisnodevised,impossiblething,sir.Godbewi'you:I'llbeboldtoleavethisropewithyou,sir,foraremembrance.—Farewell,Mute!{Exit.
Mor.Come,havemetomychamber:butfirstshutthedoor.[Truewitwindsthehornwithout.]O,shutthedoor,shutthedoor!ishecomeagain?
EnterCUTBEAKD.
Cut.'TisI,sir,yourbarber.
Mor.O,Cutbeard,Cutbeard,Cutbeard!herehasbeenacutthroatwithme:helpmeintomybed,andgivemephysicwiththycounsel.[Exeunt.
SCEXEII.—,4EoominSirJOHNDAW'SHouse.EnterDAW,CLERIMONT,DAUPHLNE,andEPICCENE.
Daw.Nay,anshewill,letherrefuseatherowncharges;'tisnothingtome,gentlemen:butshewillnotbeinvitedtothelikefeastsorguestseveryday.
Cler.O,bynomeans,shemaynotrefuse—tostayathome,ifyouloveyourreputation:'Slight,youareinvitedthithero'purposetobeseen,andlaughedatbytheladyofthecollege,andhershadows.Thistrumpeterhathproclaim'dyou.[AsidetoEpi.
Daup.Youshallnotgo;lethimbelaugh'datinyourstead,fornotbringingyou:andputhimtohisextemporalfacultyoffoolingandtalkingloud,tosatisfythecompany.[AsidetoEpi.
Cler.Hewillsuspectus;talkaloud.—'Pray,mistressEpiccene,let'sseeyourverses;wehavesirJohnDaw'sleave;donotconcealyourservant'smerit,andyourownglories.
Epi.They'llprovemyservant'sglories,ifyouhavehisleavesosoon.
Daup.Hisvain-glories,lady!
Daw.Shewthem,shewthem,mistress;Idareownthem.
Epi.Judgeyou,whatglories.
Daw.Xay,I'llreadthemmyselftoo:anauthormustrecitehisownworks.ItisamadrigalofModesty.
Modestandfair,forfairandgoodarenearNeighbours,however.—•
Daup.Verygood.
Cler.Ay,is'tnot?
Daw.Nonoblevirtueeverwasalone,
Buttwoinone.
Daup.Excellent!
Cler.Thatagain,Ipray,sirJohn.
Daup.Ithassomethingiii'tlikerarewitandsense.
Cler.Peace.
Daw.Nonoblevirtueeverwasalone,
Buttwoinone.Then,whenIpraisesweetmodesty,Ipraise
Brightbeauty'srays:
Andhavingpraisedbothbeautyandmodesty,IJtavepraisedthee.
Daup.Admirable!
Cler.Howitchimes,andcriestinkintheclose,divinely!
Daup.Ay,'tisSeneca.
Cler.XojIthink'tisPlutarch.
Daw.ThedoronPlutarchandSenooa!Ihnteit:theynremineownimaginations,bythatlight.Iwonderthosefellowshavesuchcreditwithgentlemen.
Cler.Theyareverygraveauthors.
Daw.Graveasses!mereessayists:afewloosesentences,and
that'sall.Amanwouldtalkso,hiswholeage:Idoutterasgoodthingseveryhour,ifthey"werecollectedandobserved,aseitherofthem.
Daup.Indeed,sirJohn!
Cler.Hemustneeds;livingamongthewitsandbraveriestoo.
Daup.Ay,andbeingpresidentofthem,asheis.
Daw.There'sAristotle,amerecommon-placefellow;Plato,adiscourser;ThucydidesandLivy,tediousanddry;Tacitus,anentireknot;sometimesworththeuntying,veryseldom.
Cler.Whatdoyouthinkofthepoets,sirJohn?
Daw.Notworthytobenamedforauthors.Homer,anoldtedious,prolixass,talksofcurriers,andchinesofbeef;Virgilofdungingofland,andbees;Horace,ofIknownotwhat.
Cler.Ithinkso.
Daw.Andso,Pindarus,Lycophron,Anacreon,Catullus,Senecathetragedian,Lucan,Propertius,Tibullus,Martial,Juvenal,Ausonius,Statius,Politian,ValeriusFlaccus,andtherest—
Cler.Whatasackfulloftheirnameshehasgot!
Daup.Andhowhepoursthemout!PolitianwithValeriusFla^cus!
Cler.Wasnotthecharacterrightofhim?
Daup.Ascouldbemade,i'faith.
Daw.AndPersius,acrabbedcoxcomb,nottobeendured.
Daup.Why,whomdoyouaccountforauthors,sirJohnDaw?
Daw.Syntagmajuriscivilis;Corpusjuriscivilis;Corpusjuriscanonici;thekingofSpain'sbible—
Daup.IsthekingofSpain'sbibleanauthor?
Cler.Yes,andSyntagma.
Daup.WhatwasthatSyntagma,sir?
Daw.Acivillawyer,aSpaniard.
Daup.Sure,CorpuswasaDutchman.
Cler.Ay,boththeCorpuses,Iknew'em:theywereverycorpulentauthors.
Daw.Andthenthere'sVatablus,Pomponatius,Symancha:theotherarenottobereceived,withinthethoughtofascholar.
Daup.'ForeGod,youhaveasimplelearnedservant,lady,—intitles.[Aside.
Cler.Iwonderthatheisnotcalledtothehelm,andmadeacounsellor.v
Daup.Heisoneextraordinary.
Cler.Nay,butinordinary:tosaytruth,thestatewantssuch.
Daup.Whythatwillfollow.
Cler.Imuseamistresscanbesosilenttothedotesoisuchaservant.
Daw.'Tishervirtue,sir.Ihavewrittensomewhatofhersilencetoo.
Daup.Inverse,sirJohn?
Cler.Whatelse?
Dm/p.Why,howcanyoujustifyyourownbeingofapoet,thatsoslightalltheoldpoets?
Daw.Why,everymanthatwritesinverseisnotapoet;youhaveofthewitsthatwriteverses,andyetarenopoets:theyarepoetsthatlivebyit,thepoorfellowsthatlivebyit.
Daup.Why,wouldnotyoulivebyyourverses,sirJohn?Cler.No,'twerepityheshould.Aknightlivebyhisverses!hedidnotmakethemtothatend,Ihope.
Daup.AndyetthenobleSidneylivesbyhis,andthenoblefamilynotashamed.
Cler.Ay,heprofesthimself;butsirJohnDawhasmorecaution:he'llnothinderhisownrisinginthestatesomuch.Doyouthinkhewill?Yourverses,goodsirJohn,andnopoems.Daw.Silenceinwoman,islike,speechinman;
Deny'twhocan.
Daup.NotI,believeit:yourreason,sir.Daw.Soris'tatale,
Thatfemaleviceshouldbeavirtuemale,Ormasculineviceafemalevirtuebe:Youshallit
seeProv'dwithincrease;
Iknowtospeak,andshetoholdherpeace.Doyouconceiveme,gentlemen?
Daup.No,faith;howmeanyouwithincrease,sirJohn?Daw.Why,withincreaseis,whenIcourtherforthecommoncauseofmankind,andshesaysnothing,butconsentirevidetur;andintimeisgravida.
Daup.Thenthisisaballadofprocreation?Cler.Amadrigalofprocreation;youmistake.Epi.'Praygivememyversesagain,servant.Daw.Ifyou'llaskthemaloud,youshall.
[Walksasidewiththepapers.
EnterTRUEWITwithhishorn.
Chr.See,here'sTruewitagain!—Wherehastthoubeen,inthenameofmadness,thusaccoutredwiththyhorn?
True.Wherethesoundofitmighthavepiercedyoursensewithgladness,hadyoubeeninear-reachofit.Dauphine,falldownandworshipme;Ihaveforbidthebans,lad:Ihavebeenwiththyvirtuousuncle,andhavebrokethematch.
Daup.Youhavenot,Ihope.
True.Yes,faith;andthoushouldsthopeotherwise,Ishouldrepentme:thishorngotmeentrance;kissit.Ihadnootherwaytogetin,butbyfeigningtobeapost;butwhenIgotinonce,Iprovednone,butratherthecontrary,turn'dhimintoapost,orastone,orwhatisstiffer,withthunderingintohimtheincom-moditiesofawife,andthemiseriesofmarriage.IfeverGorgonwereseenintheshapeofawoman,hehathseenherinmydescription:Ihaveputhimoffo'thatscentforever.—Whydoyounot
applaudandadoreme,sirs?whystandyoumute?areyoustupid?Youarenotworthyofthebenefit.
Daup.DidnotItellyou?Mischief!—
Cler.Iwouldyouhadplacedthisbenefitsomewhereelse.
True.Whyso?
Cler.'Slight,youhavedonethemostinconsiderate,rash,weakthing,thatevermandidtohisfriend.
Daup.Friend!ifthemostmaliciousenemyIhave,hadstudiedtoinflictaninjuryuponme,itcouldnotbeagreater.
True.Wherein,forGod'ssake?Gentlemen,cometoyourselvesagain.
Daup.ButIpresagedthusmuchaforetoyou.
Cler.Wouldmylipshadbeensolder'dwhenIspakeon't!Slight,whatmovedyoutobethusimpertinent?
True.Mymasters,donotputonthisstrangefacetopaymycourtesy;offwiththisvizor.Havegoodturnsdoneyou,andthank'emthisway!
Daup.Toreheaven,youhaveundoneme.ThatwhichIhaveplottedfor,andbeenmaturingnowthesefourmonths,youhaveblastedinaminute:NowIamlost,Imayspeak.Thisgentlewomanwaslodgedherebymeo'purpose,and,tobeputuponmyuncle,hathprofestthisobstinatesilenceformysake;beingmyentirefriend,andonethatfortherequitalofsuchafortuneastomarryhim,wouldhavemademeveryampleconditions;wherenow,allmyhopesareutterlymiscarriedbythisunluckyaccident.
Cler.Thus'tiswhenamanwillbeignorantlyofficious,doservices,andnotknowhiswhy;Iwonderwhatcourteousitchpossestyou.Youneverdidabsurderpartinyourlife,noragreatertrespasstofriendshiporhumanity.
Daup.Faith,youmayforgiveitbest;'twasyourcauseprincipally.
Cler.Iknowit;wouldithadnot.
EnterCUTBEAKD.
Daup.Hownow,Cutbeard!whatnews?
Cut.Thebest,thehappiestthateverwas,sir.Therehasbeenamadgentlemanwithyourunclethismorning,[seeingTruewit.]—Ithinkthisbethegentleman—thathasalmosttalk'dhimoutofhiswits,withthreateninghimfrommarriage—
Daup.On,Iprithee.
Cut.Andyouruncle,sir,hethinks'twasdonebyyourprocurement;thereforehewillseethepartyyouwotofpresently;andifhelikeher,hesays,andthatshebesoincliningtodumbasIhavetoldhim,heswearshewillmarryherto-day,instantly,andnotdeferitaminutelonger.
Daup.Excellent!beyondourexpectation!
True.Beyondourexpectation!Bythislight,Iknewitwouldbethus.
Daup.Nay,sweetTruewit,forgiveme.
True.No,Iwasignorantlyofficious,impertinent;thiswastheabsurd,weakpart.
Cler.Wiltthouascribethattomeritnow,wasmerefortune!
True.Fortune!mereprovidence.Fortunehadnotafingerin't.Isawitmustnecessarilyinnaturefalloutso:mygeniusisneverfalsetomeinthesethings.Shewmehowitcouldbeotherwise.
Daup.Nay,gentlemen,contendnot;'tiswellnow.
True.Alas,Ilethimgoonwithinconsiderate,andrash,andwhathepleased.
Cler.Away,thoustrangejustifierofthyself,tobewiserthanthouwert,bytheevent!
True.Event!bythislight,thoushaltneverpersuademe,butIforesawitaswellasthestarsthemselves.
Daup.Nay,gentlemen,'tiswellnow.DoyoutwoentertainsirJohnDawwithdiscourse,whileIsendherawaywithinstructions.
True.I'llbeacquaintedwithherfirst,byyourfavour.
Cler.MasterTruewit,lady,afriendofours.
True.IamsorryIhavenotknownyousooner,lady,tocelebratethisrarevirtueofyoursilence.[ExeuntDaup.,Epi.,andCutbeard.
Cler.Faith,anyouhadcomesooner,youshouldhaveseenandheardherwellcelebratedinsirJohnDaw'smadrigals.
True,[advancestoDaw.}JackDaw,Godsaveyou!whensawyouLa-Foole?
Daw.Notsincelastnight,masterTruewit.
True.That'samiracle!Ithoughtyoutwohadbeeninseparable.
Daw.He'sgonetoinvitehisguests.
True.'Odso!'tistrue!WhatafalsememoryhaveItowardsthatman!Iamone:Imethimevennow,uponthathecallshisdelicatefineblackhorse,ridintofoam,withpostingfromplacetoplace,andpersontoperson,togivethemthecue—
Cler.Lesttheyshouldforget?
True.Yes:Therewasneverpoorcaptaintookmorepainsatamustertoshewmen,thanhe,atthismeal,toshewfriends.
Daw.Itishisquarter-feast,sir.
Cler.What!doyousayso,sirJohn?
True.Nay,JackDawwillnotbeout,atthebestfriendshehas,tothetalentofhiswit:Where'shismistress,tohearandapplaudhim?isshegone?
Daw.IsmistressEpicrenegone?
Cler.Goneafore,withsirDauphine,Iwarrant,totheplace.
True.Goneafore!thatwereamanifestinjury,adisgraceandahalf;torefusehimatsuchafestival-timeasthis,beingabravery,andawittoo!
Cler.Tut,he'llswallowitlikecream:he'sbetterreadinJurecivili,thantoesteemanythingadisgrace,isoffer'dhimfromamistress.
Daw.Nay,lethere'engo;sheshallsitalone,andbedumbinherchamberaweektogether,forJohnDaw,Iwarranther.Doessherefuseme?
Chr.No,sir,donottakeitsotoheart;shedoesnotrefuseyou,butalittleneglectsYOU.Goodfaith,Truewit,youweretoblame,toputitintohishead,thatshedoesrefusehim.
True.Sir,shedoesrefusehimpalpably,howeveryouminceit.AnIwereashe,Iwouldsweartospeakne'erawordtoherto-dayfor't.
Daw.Bythislight,nomoreIwillnot.
True.Xortoanybodyelse,sir.
Daw.Xay,Iwillnotsayso,gentlemen.
Chr.Ithadbeenanexcellenthappyconditionforthecompany,iiyoucouldhavedrawnhimtoit.[Aside.
Daw.I'llbeverymelancholy,i'faith.
Cler.Asadog,ifIwereasyou,sirJohn.
True.Orasnail,orahog-louse:Iwouldrollmyselfupforthisday:introth,theyshouldnotunwindme.
Daw.Bythispick-tooth,soIwill.
Cler.'Tiswelldone:Hebeginsalreadytobeangrywithhisteeth.
Daw.Willyougo,gentlemen?
Cler.Xay,youmustwalkalone,ifyouberightmelancholy,sir
John,
True.Yes,sir,we'lldogyou,we'llfollowyouafaroff.[ExitDaw.
Cler.Wasthereeversuchatwoyardsofknighthoodmeasuredoutbytime,tobesoldtolaughter?
True.Ameretalkingmole,hanghim!nomushroomwaseversofresh.Afellowsoutterlynothing,asheknowsnotwhathewouldbe.
Cler.Let'sfollowhim:butfirstlet'sgotoDauphine,he'shoveringaboutthehousetohearwhatnews.
True.Content.[Exeunt.
SCEXEIII.—AEoominMOROSE'SHouse.EnterMOROSEandMUTE,followedbyCTTBEARDwithEPICQENE.
3/or.Welcome,Cutbeard!drawnearwithyourfaircharge:andinherearsoftlyentreathertounmask.[Epi.takesoffhermask.]—So!Isthedoorshut?[Mutemakesaleg.]—Enough.Xow,Cut-beard,withthesamedisciplineIusetomyfamily,Iwillquestionyou.AsIconceive,Cutbeard,thisgentlewomanissheyouhaveprovided,andbrought,inhopeshewillfitmeintheplaceandpersonofawife?Answermenotbutwithyourleg,unlessitbeotherwise:[Cut.makesaleg.}—Verywelldone,Cutbeard.Iconceive,besides,Cutbeard,youhavebeenpre-acquaintedwithherbirth,education,andqualities,orelseyouwouldnotpreferhertomyacceptance,intheweightyconsequenceofmarriage.[makesaleg.]—ThisIconceive.Cutbeard.Answermenotbutwithyourleg,unlessitbeotherwise,[bowsagain.]—Verywelldone,Cutbeard.Giveasidenowalittle,andleavemetoexaminehercondition,andaptitudetomyaffection,[goesaboutherand
weirsher.]—Sheisexceedingfair,andofaspecialgoodfavour;asweetcompositionorharmonyoflimbs;hertemperofbeautyhasthetrueheightofmyblood.Theknavehathexceedinglywellfittedmewithout:Iwillnowtryherwithin.—Comenear,fairgentlewoman;letnotmybehaviourseemrude,thoughuntoyou,beingrare,itmayhaplyappearstrange.[Epiccenecurtsies.]Nay,lady,youmayspeak,thoughCutbeardandmymanmightnot;forofallsounds,onlythesweetvoiceofafairladyhasthejustlengthofmineears.Ibeseechyou,say,lady;outofthefirstfireofmeetingeyes,theysay,loveisstricken:doyoufeelanysuchmotionsuddenlyshotintoyou,fromanypartyouseeinme?ha,lady?[Epi.curtsies.]—Alas,lady,theseanswersbysilentcurtf11>myouaretoocourtlessandsimple.Ihaveeverhadmybreedingincourt;andshethatshallbemywife,mustbeaccomplishedwithcourtlyandaudaciousornaments.Canyouspeak,lady?
Epi.\8oftty']Judgeyou,forsooth.
I/or.Whatsayyou,lady?Speakout,Ibeseechyou.
Epi.Judgeyou,forsooth.
A/or.Onmyjudgment,adivinesoftness!Butcanyounaturally,lady,asIenjointhesebydoctrineandindustry,referyourselftothesearchofmyjudgment,and,nottakingpleasureinyourtongue,whichisawoman'schiefestpleasure,thinkitplausibletoanswermebysilentgestures,solongasmyspeechesjumprightwithwhatyouconceive?[Epi.curtsies.]—Excellent!divine!ifitwerepossiblesheshouldholdoutthus!—Peace,Cutbeard,thouartmadeforever,asthouhastmademe,ifthisfelicityhavelasting:butIwilltryherfurther.Dearlady,Iamcourtly,Itellyou,andImusthavemineearsbanquetedwithpleasantandwittyconferences,prettygirls,scoffs,anddallianceinherthatImeantochooseformybed-phere.Theladiesincourtthinkitamostdesperateimpairtotheirquicknessofwit,andgoodcarriage,ifthevcannotgiveoccasionforamantocourt'em;andwhenanamorousdiscourse
issetonfoot,ministerasgoodmattertocontinueit,ashimself:Anddoyoualonesomuchdifferfromallthem,thatwhatthey,withsomuchcircumstance,affectandtoilfor,toseemlearn'd,toseemjudicious,toseemsharpandconceited,youcanburyinyourselfwithsilence,andrathertrustyourgracestothefairconscienceofvirtue,thantotheworld'soryourownproclamation?
Epi.[softly.]Ishouldbesorryelse.
Mor.Whatsayyou,lady?goodlady,speakout.
Epi.Ishouldbesorryelse.
Mor.Thatsorrowdothfillmewithgladness.0Morose,thouarthappyabovemankind!praythatthoumayestcontainthyself.Iwillonlyputhertoitoncemore,anditshallbewiththeutmostt'uichandtestoftheirsex.Buthearme,fairlady;IdoalsolovetoseeherwhomIshallchooseformyheifer,tobethefirstandprincipalinallfashions,precedeallthedamesatcourtbyafortnight,havecounciloftailors,lineners,lace-women,embroiderers:
andsitwiththemsometimestwiceadayuponFrenchintelligences,andthencomeforthvariedlikenature,oroftenerthanshe,andbetterbythehelpofart,heremulousservant.ThisdoIaffect:andhowwillyoubeable,lady,withthisfrugalityofspeech,togivethemanifoldbutnecessaryinstructions,forthatbodice,thesesleeves,thoseskirts,thiscut,thatstitch,thisembroidery,thatlace,thiswire,thoseknots,thatruff,thoseroses,thisgirdle,thatfan,thet'otherscarf,thesegloves?Ha!whatsayyou,lady?
Epi.[softly.']I'llleaveittoyou,sir.
Mor.How,lady?prayyouriseanote.
Epi.Ileaveittowisdomandyou,sir.
Mor.Admirablecreature!Iwilltroubleyounomore:Iwillnotsinagainstsosweetasimplicity.Letmenowbeboldtoprintonthosedivinelipsthesealofbeingmine.—Cutbeard,Igivetheetheleaseofthyhousefree;thankmenotbutwiththyleg.[Cut-beardshakeshishead.]—Iknowwhatthouwouldstsay,she'spoor,andherfriendsdeceased.Shehasbroughtawealthydowryinhersilence,Cutbeard;andinrespectofherpoverty,Cutbeard,Ishallhavehermorelovingandobedient,Cutbeard.Gothyways,andgetmeaministerpresently,withasoftlowvoice,tomarryus;andprayhimhewillnotbeimpertinent,butbriefashecan;away:softly,Cutbeard.[ExitCut.]—Sirrah,conductyourmistressintothedining-room,yournowmistress.[ExitMute,followedbyEpi.]—Omyfelicity!howshallIberevengedonmineinsolentkinsman,andhisplotstofrightmefrommarrying!ThisnightIwillgetanheir,andthrusthimoutofmyblood,likeastranger.Hewouldbeknighted,forsooth,andthoughtbythatmeanstoreignoverme;histitlemustdoit:No,kinsman,Iwillnowmakeyoubringmethetenthlord'sandthesixteenthlady'sletter,kinsman;anditshalldoyounogood,kinsman.Yourknighthooditselfshallcomeonitsknees,anditshallberejected;itshallbesuedforitsfeestoexecution,andnotberedeem'd;itshallcheatatthetwelve-pennyordinary,itknighthood,foritsdiet,alltheterm-time,andtelltalesforitinthevacationtothehostess;oritknighthoodshalldoworse,takesanctuaryinCole-harbour,andfast.Itshallfrightallit
friendswithborrowingletters;andwhenoneofthefourscorehathbroughtitknighthoodtenshillings,itknighthoodshallgototheCranes,ortheBearattheBridge-foot,andbedrunkinfear;itshallnothavemoneytodischargeonetavern-reckoning,toinvitetheoldcreditorstoforbearitknighthood,orthenew,thatshouldbe,totrustitknighthood.Itshallbethetenthnameinthebondtotakeupthecommodityofpipkinsandstone-jugs:andthepartthereofshallnotfurnishitknighthoodforthfortheattemptingofabaker'swidow,abrownbaker'swidow.Itshallgiveitknighthood'snameforastallion,toallgamesomecitizens'wives,andberefused,whenthemasterofadancing-school,orhowdoyoucallhim,theworstrevellerinthetownistaken:itshallwantclothes,andbyreasonofthat,wit,tofooltolawyers.ItshallnothavehopetorepairitselfbyConstantinople,Ireland,orVirginia;
butthebestandlastfortunetoitknighthoodshallbetomakeDolTear-sheet,orKateCommonalady,andsoitknighthoodmayeat.
[Exit.
SCENEIV.—ALane,nearMOROSE'SHouse.EnterTRUEWTT,DAUPHINE,andCLERIMO^T.
True,Areyousureheisnotgoneby?
Daup.No,Istaidintheshopeversince.
Cler.Buthemaytaketheotherendofthelane.
Daup.No,ItoldhimIwouldbehereatthisend:Iappointedhimhither.
True.Whatabarbarianitistostaythen!
Daup.Yonderhecomes.
Cler.Andhischargeleftbehindhim,whichisaverygoodsign,Dauphine.
EnterCUTBEARD.
Daup.Hownow,Cutbeard!succeedsit,orno?
Cut.Pastimagination,sir,omniasccunda;youcouldnothavepray'dtohavehaditsowell.Saltatsenex,asitisintheproverb;hedoestriumphinhisfelicity,admirestheparty!hehasgivenmetheleaseofmyhousetoo!andIamnowgoingforasilentministertomarrythem,andaway.
True.'Slight!getoneofthesilencedministers;azealousbrotherwouldtormenthimpurely.
Cut.Cumprivilegio,sir.
Daup.0,bynomeans;let'sdonothingtohinderitnow:when'tisdoneandfinished,Iamforyou,foranydeviceofvexation.
Cut.Andthatshallbewithinthishalfhour,uponmydexterity,gentlemen.Contrivewhatyoucaninthemeantime,bonisavibus.
[Exit.
Cler.HowtheslavedothLatinit!
True.Itwouldbemadeajesttoposterity,sirs,thisday'smirth,ifyewill.
Cler.Beshrewhisheartthatwillnot,Ipronounce.
Daup.Andformypart.Whatisit?
True.TotranslateallLa-Foole'scompany,andhisfeastthither,to-day,tocelebratethisbride-ale.
Daup.Ay,marry;buthowwill'tbedone?
True.I'llundertakethedirectingofallthelady-gueststhither,andthenthemeatmustfollow.
Cler.ForGod'ssake,let'seffectit;itwillbeanexcellentcomedyofaffliction,somanyseveralnoises.
Daup.Butaretheynotattheotherplace,already,thinkyou?
True.I'llwarrantyouforthecollege-honours:oneofIhrirfaceshasnottheprimingcolourlaidonyet,northeotherhersleek'd.
<'!er.O,butthey'llriser:ulicrthanordinarytoafeast,
True.Bestgosee,andassureourselves.
Cler.Whoknowsthehouse?
True.I'llleadyou:Wereyouneverthereyet?
Daup.NotI.
Cler.NorI.
True.Wherehaveyoulivedthen?notknowTomOtter!
Cler.No:forGod'ssake,whatishe?
True.Anexcellentanimal,equalwithyourDaworLa-Foole,ifnottranscendant;anddoesLatinitasmuchasyourbarber:Heishiswife'ssubject;hecallsherprincess,andatsuchtimesasthesefollowsherupanddownthehouselikeapage,withhishatoff,partlyforheat,partlyforreverence.Atthisinstantheismarshallingofhisbull,bear,andhorse.
Daup.Whatbethose,inthenameofSphynx?
True.Why,sir,hehasbeenagreatmanattheBear-gardeninhistime;andfromthatsubtlesporthasta'enthewittydenominationofhischiefcarousingcups.Onehecallshisbull,anotherhisbear,anotherhishorse.Andthenhehashislesserglasses,thathecallshisdeerandhisape;andseveraldegreesofthemtoo;andneveriswell,northinksanyentertainmentperfect,tillthesebebroughtout,andsetonthecupboard.
Cler.ForGod'slove!—weshouldmissthis,ifweshouldnotgo.
True.Nay,hehasathousandthingsasgood,thatwillspeakhimallday.Hewillrailonhiswife,withcertaincommonplaces,behindherback;andtoherface—
Daup.Nomoreofhim.Let'sgoseehim,Ipetitionyou.
[Exeunt.
ACTIII
SCENEI.—ARoominOTTER'SHouse..EnterCaptainOTTERwithhiscups,andMistressOTTER.
Ott.Nay,goodprincess,hearmepaucaverba.
Mrs.Ott.Bythatlight,I'llhaveyouchain'dup,withyourbull-dogsandbear-dogs,ifyoubenotcivilthesooner.I'llsendyoutokennel,i'faith.Youwerebestbaitmewithyourbull,bear,andhorse.Neveratimethatthecourtiersorcollegiatescometothehouse,butyoumakeitaShrove-tuesday!IwouldhaveyougetyourWhitsuntidevelvetcap,andyourstaffinyourhand,toentertainthem:yes,introth,do.
Ott.Notso,princess,neither;butundercorrection,sweetprincess,givemeleave.—ThesethingsIamknowntothecourtiersby:Itisreportedtothemformyhumour,andtheyreceiveitso,anddoexpectit.TomOtter'sbull,bear,andhorseisknownalloverEngland,inrerumnatura.
Mrs.Ott.'Foreme,Iwillna-turethemovertoParis-garden,andna-tureyouthithertoo,ifyoupronouncethemagain.Isabearafitbeast,orabull,tomixinsocietywithgreatladies?thinkinyourdiscretion,inanygoodpolicy.
Ott.Thehorsethen,goodprincess.
Mrs.Ott.Well,Iamcontentedforthehorse;theylovetobewellhorsed,Iknow:Iloveitmyself.
Ott.Anditisadelicatefinehorsethis:PoetarumPegasus.Undercorrection,princess,Jupiterdidturnhimselfintoa—taurus,orbull,undercorrection,goodprincess.
EnterTRUEWTT,CLERLMONT,andDAUPHI^E,behind.
Mrs.Oti.Bymyintegrity,I'llsendyouovertotheBank-side;I'llcommityoutothemasteroftheGarden,ifIhearbutasyllablemore.Mustmyhouseormyroofbepollutedwiththescentofbearsandbulls,whenitisperfumedforgreatladies?Isthisaccordingtotheinstrument,whenImarriedyou?thatIwouldbeprincess,andreigninmineownhouse;andyouwouldbemysubject,andobeyme?Whatdidyoubringme,shouldmakeyouthusperemptory?doIallowyouyourhalf-crownaday,tospendwhereyouwill,amongyourgamesters,tovexandtormentmeatsuchtimesasthese?Whogivesyouyourmaintenance,Iprayvou?whoallowsvouvourhorse-meatandman'smeat?your
*-*.'«/»/
threesuitsofapparelayear?yourfourpairofstockings,onesilk,threeworsted?yourcleanlinen,yourbandsandcuffs,whenIcangetyoutowearthem?—'tismarieyouhavethemonnow.—Whogracesyouwithcourtiersorgreatpersonages,tospeaktoyououtoftheircoaches,andcomehometoyourhouse?Wereyoueversomuchaslook'duponbyalordoralady,beforeImarriedyou,butontheEasterorWhitsun-holidays?andthenoutatthebanqueting-housewindow,whenXedWhitingorGeorgeStonewereatthestake?
True.ForGod'ssake,let'sgostaveheroffhim.
Mrs.Ott.Answermetothat.AnddidnotItakeyouupfromthence,inanoldgreasybuff-doublet,withpoints,andgreenvelvetsleeves,outattheelbows?youforgetthis.
True.She'llworryhim,ifwehelpnotintime.
[Theycomeforward.
^frs.Ott.O,herearesomeofthegallants!Goto,behaveyourselfdistinctly,andwithgoodmorality;or,Iprotest,I'lltakeawayyourexhibition.
True.Byyourleave,fairmistressOtter,I'llbeboldtoenterthesegentlemeninyouracquaintance.
Mrs.Ott.Itshallnotbeobnoxious,ordifficil,sir.
True.Howdoe.smynoblecaptain?isthebull,bear,andhorseinrerumnaturastill?
Ott.Sir,sicvisinnfviprri*.
Mrs.Ott.Iwouldyouwouldbutintimatethem,do.Goyour
wavsin,andgettoastsandbuttermadeforthewoodcocks:that's
•provinceforyou.[Driveshimoff.
Cler.Alas,whatatynnnvisthispoorfellowmarriedto!
True.O,butthesportwillbeanon,whenwegethimloose.
Daup.Daresheeverspeak'
True.NoAnabaptisteverrail'dwiththelikelicense:butmarkherlanguageinthemeantime,Ibeseechyou.
Mrs.Ott.Gentlemen,youareveryaptlycome.Mycousin,sirAmorous,willbeherebriefly.
True.Ingoodtime,lady.WasnotsirJohnDawhere,toaskforhim,andthecompany?
Mrs.Ott.Icannotassureyou,masterTruewit.Herewasaverymelancholyknightinaruff,thatdemandedmysubjectforsomebody,agentleman,Ithink.
Cler.Ay,thatwashe,lady.
Mrs.Ott.Buthedepartedstraight,Icanresolveyou.
Daup.Whatanexcellentchoicephrasethisladyexpressesin.
True.O,sir,sheistheonlyauthenticalcourtier,thatisnotnaturallybredone,inthecity.
Mrs.Ott.Youhavetakenthatreportupontrust,gentlemen.
True.No,Iassureyou,thecourtgovernsitso,lady,inyourbehalf.
Mrs.Ott.Iamtheservantofthecourtandcourtiers,sir.
True.Theyareratheryouridolaters.
Mrs.Ott.Notso,sir.
EnterCUTBEARD.
Daup.Hownow,Cutbeard!anycross?
Cut.0no,sir,omniabene.'Twasneverbetteronthehinges;all'ssure.Ihavesopleasedhimwithacurate,thathe'sgoneto'talmostwiththedelighthehopesforsoon.
Daup.Whatisheforavicar?
Cut.Onethathascatch'dacold,sir,andcanscarcebeheardsixinchesoff;asifhespokeoutofabulrushthatwerenotpick'd,orhisthroatwerefullofpith:afinequickfellow,andanexcellentbarberofprayers.Icametotellyou,sir,thatyoumightomnemmoverelapidem,astheysay,bereadywithyourvexation.
Daup.Gramercy,honestCutbeard!bethereaboutswiththykey,toletusin.
Cut.Iwillnotfailyou,sir;admanum.[Exit.
True.Well,I'llgowatchmycoaches.
Cler.Do;andwe'llsendDawtoyou,ifyoumeethimnot.
[ExitTruewit.
Mrs.Ott.IsmasterTruewitgone?
Daup.Yes,lady,thereissomeunfortunatebusinessfallenout.
Mrs.Ott.SoIadjudgedbythephysiognomyofthefellowthatcamein;andIhadadreamlastnighttooofthenewpageant,andmyladymayoress,whichisalwaysveryominoustome.ItolditmyladyHaughtyt'otherday,whenherhonourcamehithertoseesomeChinastuffs;andsheexpoundeditoutofArtemidorus,andIhavefounditsinceverytrue.Ithasdonememanyaffronts.
Cler.Yourdream,lady?
Mrs.Ott.Yes,sir,anythingIdobutdreamofthecity.Itstain'dmeadamasktable-cloth,costmeeighteenpound,atone
time;andburntmeablacksatingown,asIstoodbythefire,atmyladyCentaure'schamberinthecollege,anothertime.Athirdtime,atthelords'masque,itdroptallmywireandmyruffwithwaxcandle,thatIcouldnotgouptothebanquet.Afourthtime,asIwastakingcoachtogotoWare,tomeetafriend,itdash'dmeanewsuitallover(acrimsonsatindoublet,andblackvelvetskirts)withabrewer'shorse,thatIwasfaintogoinandshiftme,andkeptmychamberaleashofdaysfortheanguishofit.
Daup.Thesewerediremischances,lady.
Cler.Iwouldnotdwellinthecity,an'tweresofataltome.
Mrs.Oil.Yes,sir;butIdotakeadviceofmydoctortodreamofitaslittleasIcan.
Damp.Youdowell,mistressOtter.
EnterSirJOHNDAW,andistakenasidebyCLERTMONT.
Mrs.Ott.Willitpleaseyoutoenterthehousefarther,gentlemen?
Daup.Andyourfavour,lady:butwestaytospeakwithaknight,sirJohnDaw,whoisherecome.Weshallfollowyou,lady.
Mrs.Ott.Atyourowntime,sir.ItismycousinsirAmoroushisfeast—
Daup.Iknowit,lady.
Mrs.Ott.Andminetogether.Butitisforhishonour,andthereforeItakenonameofit,morethanoftheplace.
Daup.Youareabounteouskinswoman.
Mrs.Ott.Yourservant,sir.[Exit.
Cler.[comingforwardwithDaw.}Why,donotyouknowit,sirJohnDaw?
Daw.No,IamarookifIdo.
Cler.I'lltellyou,then;she'smarriedbythistime.And,whereasyouwereputinthehead,thatshewasgonewithsirDauphine,Iassureyou,sirDauphinehasbeenthenoblest,honestestfriendtoyou,thatevergentlemanofyourqualitycouldboastof.Hehasdiscover'dthewholeplot,andmadeyourmistresssoacknowledging,andindeedsoashamedofherinjurytoyou,thatshedesiresyoutoforgiveher,andbutgraceherweddingwithyourpresenceto-day-Sheistobemarriedtoaverygoodfortune,shesays,hisuncle,oldMorose;andshewill'dmeinprivatetotellyou,thatsheshallbeabletodoyoumorefavours,andwithmoresecuritynowthanbefore.
Daw.Didahesayso,i'faith?
Cler.Why,whatdoyouthinkofme,sirJohn?asksirDauphine.
Daw.Nay,Ibelieveyou.—GoodsirDauphine,didshedesiremetoforgiveher?
Daup.Iassureyou,sirJohn,shedid.
Daw.Nay,then,Idowithallmyheart,andI'llbejovial.
Cler.Yes,forlookyou,sir,thiswastheinjurytoyou.La-Fooleintendedthisfeasttohonourherbridalday,andmadeyou(hepropertytoinvitethecollegeladies,andpromisetobringIHT;andthenatthetimeshewouldhaveappear'd,ashisfriend,tohavegivenyouthedor.Whereasnow,sirDauphinehasbrought
hertoafeelingofit,withthiskindofsatisfaction,thatyoushallbringalltheladiestotheplacewheresheis,andbeveryjovial;andthere,shewillhaveadinner,whichshallbeinyourname:andsodisappointLa-Foole,tomakeyougoodagain,and,asitwere,asaverinthemain.
Daio.AsIamaknight,Ihonourher;andforgiveherheartily.
Cler.Aboutitthenpresently.Truewitisgonebeforetoconfrontthecoaches,andtoacquaintyouwithsomuch,ifhemeetyou.Joinwithhim,and'tiswell.—
EnterSirAMOROUSLA-FOOLE.
See;herecomesyourantagonist;buttakeyounonotice,butbeveryjovial.
La-F.Aretheladiescome,sirJohnDaw,andyourmistress?[ExitDaw.']—SirDauphine!youareexceedingwelcome,andhonestmasterClerimont.Where'smycousin?didyouseenocollegiates,gentlemen?
Daup.Collegiates!doyounothear,sirAmorous,howyouareabused?
La-F.How,sir!
Cler.WillyouspeaksokindlytosirJohnDaw,thathasdoneyousuchanaffront?
La-F.Wherein,gentlemen?letmebeasuitortoyoutoknow,Ibeseechyou.
Cler.Why,sir,hismistressismarriedto-daytosirDauphine'suncle,yourcousin'sneighbour,andhehasdivertedalltheladies,andallyourcompanythither,tofrustrateyourprovision,andstickadisgraceuponyou.Hewasherenowtohaveenticedusawayfromyoutoo:butwetoldhimhisown,Ithink.
La-F.HassirJohnDawwrong'dmesoinhumanly?
Daup.Hehasdoneit,sirAmorous,mostmaliciouslyandtreacherously:but,ifyou'llberuledbyus,youshallquithim,i'faith.
La-F.Goodgentlemen,I'llmakeone,believeit.How,Ipray?
Daup.Marry,sir,getmeyourpheasants,andyourgodwits,andyourbestmeat,anddishitinsilverdishesofyourcousin'spresently;andsaynothing,butclapmeacleantowelaboutyou,likeasewer;and,bare-headed,marchaforeitwithagoodconfidence,('tisbutovertheway,hardby,)andwe'llsecondyou,whereyoushallsetitontheboard,andbidthemwelcometo't,whichshallshew'tisyours,anddisgracehispreparationutterly:andforyourcousin,whereassheshouldbetroubledhereathomewithcareofmakingandgivingwelcome,sheshalltransferallthatlabourthither,andbeaprincipalguestherself;sitrank'dwiththecollege-honours,andbehonour'd,andhaveherhealthdrunkasoften,asbareandasJoudasthebestofthem.
La-F.I'llgotellherpresently.Itshallbedone,that'sresolved.
[Exit.
Cler.Ithoughthewouldnothearitout,but'twouldtakehim.
Daup.Well,therebeguestsandmeatnow;howshallwedoformusic?
Cler.Thesmellofthevenison,goingthroughthestreet,willinviteonenoiseoffiddlersorother.
Daup.Iwoulditwouldcallthetrumpetershither!
Cler.Faith,thereishope:theyhaveintelligenceofallfeasts.There'sgoodcorrespondencebetwixtthemandtheLondoncooks:'tistwentytoonebutwehavethem.
Daup,'Twillbeamostsolemndayformyuncle,andanexcellentfitofmirthforus.
Cler.Ay,ifwecanholduptheemulationbetwixtFooleandDaw,andneverbringthemtoexpostulate.
Daup.Tut,flatterthemboth,asTruewitsays,andyoumaytaketheirunderstandingsinapurse-net.They'llbelievethemselvestobejustsuchmenaswemakethem,neithermorenorless.Theyhavenothing,nottheuseoftheirsenses,butbytradition.
Re-enterLA-FOOLE,likeaSewer.
Cler.See!sirAmoroushashistowelonalready.Haveyoupersuadedyourcousin?
La-F.Yes,'tisveryfeasible:she'lldoanything,shesays,ratherthantheLa-Foolesshallbedisgraced.
Daup.Sheisanoblekinswoman.Itwillbesuchapestlingdevice,sirAmorous;itwillpoundallyourenemy'spracticestopowder,andblowhimupwithhisownmine,hisowntrain.
La-F.Xay,we'llgivefire,Iwarrantyou.
Cler.Butyoumustcarryitprivately,withoutanynoise,andtakenonoticebyanymeans—
Re-enterCaptainOTTER.
Oil.Gentlemen,myprincesssaysyoushallhaveallhersilverdishes,festinate:andshe'sgonetoalterhertirealittle,andgowithyou—
Cler.Andyourselftoo,captainOtter?
Daup.Byanymeans,sir.
Ott.Yes,sir,Idomeanit:butIwouldentreatmycousinsirAmorous,andyou,gentlemen,tobesuitorstomyprincess,thatImaycarrymybullandmybear,aswellasmyhorse.
Cler.Thatyoushalldo,captainOtter.
La-F.Mycousinwillneverconsent,gentlemen.
Daup.Shemustconsent,sirAmorous,toreason.
La-F.Why,shesaystheyarenodecorumamongladies.
Ott.Buttheyaredecora,andthat'sbetter,sir.
Cler.Ay,shemusthearargument.DidnotPasiphae",whowasaqueen,loveabull?andwasnotCalisto,themotherofAreas,turn'dintoabear,andmadeastar,mistressUrsula,intheheavens?
Ott.Olord!thatIcouldhavesaidasmuch!IwillhavethesestoriespaintedintheBear-garden,exOvidiimelamorphosi.
Daup.Whereisyourprincess,captain?pray,beourleader.
Ott.ThatIshall,sir.
Cler.Makehaste,goodsirAmorous.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—ARoominMOROSE'sHouse.EnterMOROSE,EPICCENE,Parson,andCTJTBEARD.
Mor.Sir,there'sanangelforyourself,andabraceofangelsforyourcold.Musenotatthismanageofmybounty.Itisfitweshouldthankfortune,doubletonature,foranybenefitsheconfersuponus;besides,itisyourimperfection,butmysolace.
Par.[speaksashavingacold.'}Ithankyourworship;soitismine,now.
Mor.Whatsayshe,Cutbeard?
Cut.Hesays,prcesto,sir,whensoeveryourworshipneedshim,hecanbereadywiththelike.Hegotthiscoldwithsittinguplate,andsingingcatcheswithcloth-workers.
Mor.Nomore.Ithankhim.
Par.Godkeepyourworship,andgiveyoumuchjoywithyourfairspouse!—uh!uh!uh!
Mor.0,0!stay,Cutbeard!lethimgivemefiveshillingsofmymoneyback.Asitisbountytorewardbenefits,soitisequitytomulctinjuries.Iwillhaveit.Whatsayshe?
Cler.Hecannotchangeit,sir.
Mor.Itmustbechanged.
Cut.Coughagain.[AsidetoParson.
Mor.Whatsayshe?
Cut.Hewillcoughouttherest,sir.
Par.Uh,uh,uh!
Mor.Away,awaywithhim!stophismouth!away!Iforgiveit.—[ExitCut.thrustingoutthePar.
Epi.Fie,masterMorose,thatyouwillusethisviolencetoamanofthechurch.
Mor.How!
Epi.Itdoesnotbecomeyourgravity,orbreeding,asyoupretend,incourt,tohaveoffer'dthisoutrageonawaterman,oranymoreboisterouscreature,muchlessonamanofhiscivilcoat.
Mor.Youcanspeakthen!
Epi.Yes,sir.
Mor.Speakout,Imean.
Epi.Ay,sir.Why,didyouthinkyouhadmarriedastatue,oramotiononly?oneoftheFrenchpuppets,withtheeyesturn'dwithawire?orsomeinnocentoutofthehospital,thatwouldstandwithherhandsthus,andaplaisemouth,andlookuponyou?
Mor.0immodesty!amanifestwoman!What,Cutbeard!
Epi.Nay,neverquarrelwithCutbeard,sir;itistoolatenow.IconfessitdothbatesomewhatofthemodestyIhad,whenIwritsimplymaid:butIhopeIshallmakeitastockstillcompetenttotheestateanddignityofyourwife.
Mor.ShecantalkIEpi.Yes,indeed,sir.
EnterMUTE.
Mor.Whatsirrah!Noneofmyknavesthere?whereisthisimpostorCutbeard?[Mute,makessigns.
Epi.Speaktohim,fellow,speaktohim!I'llhavenoneofhiscoacted,unnaturaldumbnessinmyhouse,inafamilywhereIgovern.[ExitMute.
Mor.Sheismyregentalready!IhavemarriedaPenthesilea,aSemiramis;soldmylibertytoadistaff.
EnterTBUEWIT.
True.Where'smasterMorose?
Mor.Ishecomeagain!Lordhavemercyuponme!
True.Iwishyoualljoy,mistressEpiccene,withyourgraveandhonourablematch.
Epi.Ireturnyouthethanks,masterTruewit,sofriendlyawishdeserves.
Mor.Shehasacquaintance,too!
True.Godsaveyou,sir,andgiveyouallcontentmentinyourfairchoice,here!Before,Iwasthebirdofnighttoyou,theowl;butnowIamthemessengerofpeace,adove,andbringyouthegladwishesofmanyfriendstothecelebrationofthisgoodhour.
Mor.Whathour,sir?
True.Yourmarriagehour,sir.Icommendyourresolution,that,notwithstandingallthedangersIlaidaforeyou,inthevoiceofanight-crow,wouldyetgoon,andbeyourself.Itshewsyouareamanconstanttoyourownends,anduprighttoyourpurposes,thatwouldnotbeputoffwithleft-handedcries.
Mor.Howshouldyouarriveattheknowledgeofsomuch?
True.Why,didyoueverhope,sir,committingthesecrecyofittoabarber,thatlessthanthewholetownshouldknowit?youmightaswellhavetoldittheconduit,orthebake-house,ortheinfantrythatfollowthecourt,andwithmoresecurity.Couldyourgravityforgetsooldandnotedaremnant,as,lippisettonsoribusnotum?Well,sir,forgiveityourselfnow,thefault,andbecommunicablewithyourfriends.Herewillbethreeorfourfashionableladiesfromthecollegetovisityoupresently,andtheirtrainofminionsandfollowers.
Mor.Barmydoors!barmydoors!Whereareallmyeaters?mymouths,now?—
EnterServants.
Barupmydoors,youvarlets!
Epi.Heisavarl«tthatstirstosuchanoffice.Letthemstandopen.Iwouldseehimthatdaresmovehiseyestowardit.ShallIhaveabarricademadeagainstmyfriends,tobebarr'dofanypleasuretheycanbringintoinewiththeirhonourablevisitation?
[ExeuntSer.
Mor.OAmazonianimpudence!
True.Nay,faith,inthis,sir,shespeaksbutreason;and,me-thinks,ismorecontinentthanyou.Wouldyougotobedsopresently,sir,aforenoon?amanofyourheadandhairshouldowemoretothatreverendceremony,andnotmountthemarriage-bedlikeatown-bull,oramountain-goat;butstaythedueseason;andascenditthenwithreligionandfear.Thosedelightsaretobesteepedinthehumourandsilenceofthenight;andgivethedaytootheropenpleasures,andjollitiesoffeasting,ofmusic,ofrevels,ofdiscourse:we'llhaveall,sir,thatmaymakeyourHymenhighandhappy.
Mor.0mytorment,mytorment!
True.Nay,ifyouendurethefirsthalfhour,sir,sotediously,andwiththisirksomeness;whatcomfortorhopecanthisfairgentlewomanmaketoherselfhereafter,intheconsiderationofsomanyyearsasaretocome
Mor.Ofmyaffliction.Goodsir,depart,andletherdoitalone»
True.Ihavedone,sir.
Mor.Thatcursedbarber.
True.Yes,faith,acursedwretchindeed,sir.
Mor.Ihavemarriedhiscittern,that'scommontoallmen*Someplagueabovetheplague—
True.AllEgypt'stenplagues.
Mor.Revengemeonhim!
True.'Tisverywell,sir.Ifyoulaidon"acurseortwomore,I'llassureyouhe'llbearthem.As,thathemaygetthepoxwithseekingtocureit,sir;or,thatwhileheiscurlinganotherman'shair,hisownmaydropoff;or,forburningsomemale-bawd'slock,hemayhavehisbrainbeatoutwiththecurlingiron.
Mor.No,letthewretchlivewretched.Mayhegettheitch,andhisshopsolousy,asnomandarecomeathim,norhecomeatnoman!
True.Ay,andifhewouldswallowallhisballsforpills,letnotthempurgehim.
Mor.Lethiswarming-panbeevercold.
True.Aperpetualfrostunderneathit,sir.,
Mor.Lethimneverhopetoseefireagain.
True.Butinhell,sir.
Mor.Hischairsbealwaysempty,hisscissarsrust,andhiscombsmouldintheircases.
True.Verydreadfulthat!Andmayhelosetheinvention,sir,ofcarvinglanternsinpaper.
Mor.Lettherebenobawdcartedthatyear,toemployabasonofhis:butlethimbegladtoeathisspongeforbread.
True.Anddrinklotiumtoit,andmuchgooddohim.
Mor.Or,forwantofbread
True.Eatear-wax,sir.I'llhelpyou.Or,drawhisownteeth,andaddthemtothelute-string.
Mor.No,beattheoldonestopowder,andmakebreadofthem.
True.Yes,makemealofthemill-stones.
Mor.Mayallthebotchesandburnsthathehascuredonothersbreakoutuponhim.
True.Andhenowforgetthecureoftheminhimself,sir;or,ifhedorememberit,lethimhavescrapedallhislinenintolintfor't,andhavenotaraglefthimfortosetupwith.
Mor.Lethimneversetupagain,buthavethegoutinhishandsforever!—Now,nomore,sir.
True.O,thatlastwastoohighset;youmightgolesswithhim,i'faith,andberevengedenough:as,thathebeneverabletonew-painthispole—
Mor.Goodsir,nomore,Iforgotmyself.
True.Or,wantcredittotakeupwithacomb-maker—
Mor.Nomore,sir.
True.Or,havingbrokenhisglassinaformerdespair,fallnowintoamuchgreater,ofevergettinganother—
Mor.Ibeseechyou,nomore.
True.Or,thatheneverbetrustedwithtrimmingofanybutchimney-sweepers—
Mor.Sir—
True.Or,mayhecutacollier'sthroatwithhisrazor,bychancemedley,andyetbehang'dfor't.
Mor.Iwillforgivehim,ratherthanhearanymore.Ibeseechyou,sir.
EnterDAW,introducingLadyHAUGHTY,CENTAURE,MAVIS,
andTRUSTY.
Daw.Thisway,madam.
Mor.0,theseabreaksinuponme!anotherflood!aninundation!Ishallbeoverwhelmedwithnoise.Itbeatsalreadyatmyshores.Ifeelanearthquakeinmyselffor't.
Daw.'Giveyoujoy,mistress.
Mor.Hassheservantstoo!
Daw.Ihavebroughtsomeladiesheretoseeandknowyou.MyladyHaughty—[ashepresentsthemseverally,Epi.kissesthem.}thismyladyCentaure—mistressDolMavis—mistressTrusty,myladyHaughty'swoman.Where'syourhusband?let'sseehim:canheendurenonoise?letmecometohim.
Mor.Whatnomenclatoristhis!
True.SirJohnDaw,sir,yourwife'sservant,this.
Mor.ADaw,andherservant!O,'tisdecreed,'tisdecroodofme,anshehavesuchservants.[Going.
True.Nay,sir,youmustkisstheladies;youmustnotgoaway,now:theycometowardyoutoseekyouout.
Hau.I'faith,masterMorose,wouldyoustealamarriagethus,inthemidstofsomanyfriends,andnotacquaintus?Well,I'llkissyou,notwithstandingthejusticeofmyquarrel:youshallgivemeleave,mistress,touseabecomingfamiliaritywithyourhusband.
Epi.Yourladyshipdocsmeanhonourinit,toletmeknowhe
issoworthyyourfavour:asyouhavedonebothhimandmegracetovisitsounprepareda
pairtoentertainyou.
Mor.Compliment!compliment!
Epi.ButImustlaytheburdenofthatuponmyservanthere.
Hau.Itshallnotneed,mistressMorose;wewillallbear,ratherthanoneshallbeopprest.
Mor.Iknowit:andyouwillteachherthefaculty,ifshebetolearnit.[Walksasidewhiletheresttalkapart.
Hau.Isthisthesilentwoman?
Cen.Nay,shehasfoundhertonguesinceshewasmarried,Master
Truewitsays.
Hau.0,masterTruewit!'saveyou.Whatkindofcreatureisyourbridehere?shespeaks,methinks!
True.Yes,madam,believeit,sheisagentlewomanofveryabsolutebehaviour,andofagoodrace.
Hau.AndJackDawtoldusshecouldnotspeak!
True.Soitwascarriedinplot,madam,toputheruponthisoldfellow,bysirDauphine,hisnephew,andoneortwomoreofus:butsheisawomanofanexcellentassurance,andanextraordinaryhappywitandtongue.YoushallseehermakeraresportwithDawerenight.
Hau.Andhebroughtustolaughather!
True.Thatfallsoutoften,madam,thathethatthinkshimselfthemaster-wit,isthemaster-fool.Iassureyourladyship,yecannotlaughather.
Hau.No,we'llhavehertothecollege:Anshehavewit,sheshallbeoneofus,shallshenot,Centaure?we'llmakeheracollegiate.
Cen.Yes,faith,madam,andMavisandshewillsetupaside.
True.Believeit,madam,andmistressMavisshewillsustainherpart.
Mav.I'lltellyouthat,whenIhavetalk'dwithher,andtriedher.
Hau.Useherverycivilly,Mavis.
Mav.SoIwill,madam.[Whispersher.
Mor.Blessedminute!thattheywouldwhisperthusever!
[Aside.
True.Inthemeantime,madam,wouldbutyourladyshiphelptovexhimalittle:youknowhisdisease,talktohimabouttheweddingceremonies,orcallforyourgloves,or—
Hau.Letmealone.Centaure,helpme.—Masterbridegroom,whereareyou?
Mor.0,itwastoomiraculouslygoodtolast![Aside.
Hau.Weseenoensignsofaweddinghere;nocharacterofabride-ale:wherebeourscarvesandourgloves?Iprayyou,givethemus.Letusknowyourbride'scolours,andyoursatleast.Cen.Alas,madam,hehasprovidednone.Mor.HadIknownyourladyship'spainter,Iwould.Hau.Hehasgivenityou,Centaure,i'faith.Butdoyouhear,masterMorose?ajestwillnotabsolveyouinthismanner.Youthathavesuck'dthemilkofthecourt,andfromthencehavebeen
broughtuptotheverystrongmeatsandwineofit;beenacourtierfromthebiggentothenight-cap,aswemaysay,andyoutooffendinsuchahighpointofceremonyasthis,andletyournuptialswantallmarksofsolemnity!Howmuchplatehaveyoulostto-day,(ifyouhadbutregardedyourprofit,)whatgifts,whatfriends,throughyourmererusticity!
M<>r.Madam—
Hau.Pardonme,sir,Imustinsinuatevourerrorstovou:no
•/
gloves?nogarters?noscarves?noepithalamium?nomasque?
Daw.Yes,madam,I'llmakeanepithalamium,Ipromisemymistress;Ihavebegunitalready:willyourladyshiphearit?
Hau.Ay,goodJackDaw.
J/or.Willitpleaseyourladyshipcommandachamber,andbeprivatewithyourfriend?youshallhaveyourchoiceofroomstoretiretoafter:mywholehouseisyours.Iknowithathbeenyourladyship'serrandintothecityatothertimes,howevernowyouhavebeenunhappilydiverteduponme;butIshallbelothtobreakanyhonourablecustomofyourladyship's.Andtherefore,goodmadam—
Epi.Come,youarearudebridegroom,toentertainladiesofhonourinthisfashion.
Cen.Heisarudegroomindeed.
True.Bythatlightyoudeservetobegrafted,andhaveyourhornsreachfromonesideoftheislandtotheother.—Donotmistakeme,sir;Ibutspeakthistogivetheladiessomeheartagain,notforanymalicetoyou.
J/or.Isthisyourbravo,ladies?
True.AsGod[shall]helpme,ifyouuttersuchanotherword,I'lltakemistressbridein,and
begintoyouinaverysadcup;doyousee?Goto,knowyourfriends,andsuchasloveyou.
EnterCLERIMONT,followedbyanumberofMusicians.
<'ler.Byyourleave,ladies.Doyouwantanymusic?Ihavebroughtyouvarietyofnoises.Play,sirs,allofyou.
[AsidetotheMusicians,whostrikeupalltogether.
Mor.O,aplot,aplot,aplot,aplot,uponme!thisdayIshallbetheiranviltoworkon,theywillgratemeasunder.'Tisworsethanthenoiseofasaw.
Cler.No,theyarehair,rosin,andguts:Icangiveyouthereceipt.
True.Peace,boys!
Cler.Play!Isay.
True.Peace,rascals!Youseewho'syourfriendnow,sir:takecourage,putonamartyr'sresolution.Mockdownalltheirattemptingswithpatience:'tisbutaday,andIwouldsulTrrheroically.Shouldanassexceedmeinfortitude?no.Youbetrayyourinfirmity\\ithyourhangingdullears,andmaketheminsult:bearupbravely,andconstantly.[La-Foolepass''*overthe.«t(iffi/•/>••aS<wer,fr<lli<n-"l'>>/X<rvantscarryingdidtcx,andMi*1<>tt<r.~*.—Lookyouhere,sir,whathonourisdoneyouunexpected.
byyournephew;awedding-dinnercome,andaknight-sewerbeforeit,forthemorereputation:andfinemistressOtter,yourneighbour,intherumportailofit.
Mor.IsthatGorgon,thatMedusacome!hideme,hideme.
True.Iwarrantyou,sir,shewillnottransformyou.Lookuponherwithagoodcourage.Prayyouentertainher,andconductyourguestsin.No!—Mistressbride,willyouentreatintheladies?yourbridegroomissoshame-faced,here.
Epi.Willitpleaseyourladyship,madam?
Hau.Withthebenefitofyourcompany,mistress.
Epi.Servant,prayyouperformyourduties.
Daw.Andgladtobecommanded,mistress.
Cen.Howlikeyouherwit,Mavis?
Mav.Veryprettily,absolutelywell.
Mrs.Ott.'Tismyplace.
Mav.Youshallpardonme,mistressOtter.
Mrs.Ott.Why,Iamacollegiate.
Mav.Butnotinordinary.
Mrs.Ott.ButIam.
Mav.We'lldisputethatwithin.[ExeuntLadies.
Cler.Wouldthishadlastedalittlelonger.
True.Andthattheyhadsentfortheheralds.
EnterCaptainOTTER.
—CaptainOtter!whatnews?
Ott.Ihavebroughtmybull,bear,andhorse,inprivate,andyonderarethetrumpeterswithout,andthedrum,gentlemen.
{Thedrumandtrumpetssoundwithin.
Mor.O,O,O!
Ott.Andwewillhavearouseineachofthem,anon,forboldBritons,i'faith.[Theysoundagain.
Mor.0,0,O![Exithastily.
Omnes.Follow,follow,follow![Exeunt.
ACTIV
SCENEI.—ARoominMOROSE'SHouse,.EnterTRUEWITandCLERIMONT.
True.Wasthereeverpoorbridegroomsotormented?orman,indeed?
Cler.Ihavenotreadofthelikeinthechroniclesoftheland.
True.Sure,hecannotbutgotoaplaceofrest,afterallthispurgatory.
Cler.Hemaypresumeit,Ithink.
True.Thespitting,thecoughing,thelaughter,theneezing,thefarting,dancing,noiseofthemusic,andhermasculineandloud
commanding,andurgingthewholefamily,makeshimthinkhehasmarriedafury.
Cler.Andshecarriesitupbravely.
True.Ay,shetakesanyoccasiontospeak:that'stheheighton't.
Cler.AndhowsoberlyDauphinelabourstosatisfyhim,thatitwasnoneofhisplot!
True.Andhasalmostbroughthimtothefaith,inthearticle.Herehecomes.—
EnterSirDATJPHINE.
Wliereishenow?what'sbecomeofhim,Dauphine?
Daup.O,holdmeupalittle,Ishallgoawayinthejestelse.Hehasgotonhiswholenestofnight-caps,andlock'dhimselfupinthetopofthehouse,ashighaseverhecanclimbfromthenoise.Ipeep'dinatacranny,andsawhimsittingoveracross-beamoftheroof,likehimonthesaddler'shorseinFleet-street,upright:andhewillsleepthere.
Cler.Butwhereareyourcollegiates?
Daup.Withdrawnwiththebrideinprivate.
True.O,theyareinstructingherinthecollege-grammar.Ifshehavegracewiththem,sheknowsalltheirsecretsinstantly.
Cler.MethinkstheladyHaughtylookswellto-day,forallmydispraiseofherinthemorning.Ithink,Ishallcomeabouttotheeagain,Truewit.
True.Believeit,Itoldyouright.Womenoughttorepairthelossestimeandyearshavemadeintheirfeatures,withdressings.Andanintelligentwoman,ifsheknowbyherselftheleastdefect,willbemostcurioustohideit:anditbecomesher.Ifshebeshort,lethersitmuch,lest,whenshestands,shebethoughttosit.Ifshehaveanillfoot,letherwearhergownthelonger,andhershoethethinner.Ifafathand,andscaldnails,lethercarvetheless,andactingloves.Ifasourbreath,letherneverdiscoursefasting,andalwaystalkatherdistance.Ifshehaveblackandruggedteeth,letherofferthelessatlaughter,especiallyifshelaughwideandopen.
('ler.O,youshallhavesomewomen,whentheylaugh,youwouldthinktheybrayed,itissorudeand—
True.Ay,andothers,thatwillstalkintheirgaitlikeanestrich,andtakehugestrides.Icannotenduresuchasight.Ilovemeasureinthefeet,andnumberinthevoice:theyaregentlenesses,thatoftentimesdrawnolessthantheface.
Daup.Howearnestthoutostudythesecreaturessoexactly?Iwouldthouwouldstmakemeaproficient.
True.Yes,butyoumustleavetoliveinyourchamber,then,amonthtogetheruponAmadisdeGaul,orDonQuixote,asyouarewont;andcomeabroadwherethematterisfrequent,tocourt,totiltings,publicshowsandfeasts,toplays,andchurchsometimes:thithertheycometoshewtheirnewtin^too,tosee,andtobeseen.Intheseplacesamanshalltiudwhomtolove,whuuitoplaywith,
whomtotouchonce,whomtoholdever.Thevarietyarrestshisjudgment.Awenchtoplease
amancomesnotdowndroppingfromtheceiling,asheliesonhisbackdroningatobacco-pipe.Hemustgowheresheis.
Daup.Yes,andbeneverthenearer.
True.Out,heretic!Thatdiffidencemakestheeworthyitshouldbeso.
Cler.Hesaystruetoyou,Dauphine.
Daup.Why?
True.Amanshouldnotdoubttoovercomeanywoman.Thinkhecanvanquishthem,andheshall:forthoughtheydeny,theirdesireistobetempted.Penelopeherselfcannotholdoutlong.Ostend,yousaw,wastakenatlast.Youmustpersever,andholdtoyourpurpose.Theywouldsolicitus,butthattheyareafraid.Howsoever,theywishintheirheartsweshouldsolicitthem.Praisethem,flatterthem,youshallneverwanteloquenceortrust:eventhechastestdelighttofeelthemselvesthatwayrubb'd.Withpraisesyoumustmixkissestoo:iftheytakethem,they'lltakemore—thoughtheystrive,theywouldbeovercome.
Cler.O,butamanmustbewareofforce.
True.Itistothemanacceptableviolence,andhasoft-timestheplaceofthegreatestcourtesy.Shethatmighthavebeenforced,andyoulethergofreewithouttouching,thoughthensheseemtothankyou,willeverhateyouafter;andgladintheface,isassuredlysadattheheart.
Cler.Butallwomenarenottobetakenallways.
True.'Tistrue;nomorethanallbirds,orallfishes.Ifyouappearlearnedtoanignorantwench,orjocundtoasad,orwittytoafoolish,whyshepresentlybeginstomistrustherself.Youmustapproachthemintheirownheight,theirownline;forthecontrarymakesmany,thatfeartocommitthemselvestonobleandworthyfellows,runintotheembracesofarascal.Ifshelovewit,giveverses,thoughyouborrowthemofafriend,orbuythem,tohavegood.Ifvalour,talkofyoursword,andbefrequentinthementionofquarrels,thoughyoubestaunchinfighting.Ifactivity,beseenonyourbarbaryoften,orleapingoverstools,forthecreditofyourback.Ifshelovegoodclothesordressing,haveyourlearnedcouncilaboutyoueverymorning,yourFrenchtailor,barber,linener,etc.Letyourpowder,yourglass,andyourcombbeyourdearestacquaintance.Takemorecarefortheornamentofyourhead,thanthesafety;andwishthecommonwealthrathertroubled,thanahairaboutyou.Thatwilltakeher.Then,ifshebecovetousandcraving,doyoupromiseanything,andperformsparingly;soshallyoukeepherinappetitestill.Seemasyouwouldgive,butbelikeabarrenfield,thatyieldslittle;orunluckydicetofoolishandhopinggamesters.Letyourgiftsbeslightanddainty,ratherthanprecious.Letcunningbeabovecost.Givecherriesattimeofyear,orapricots;andsay,theyweresentyououtofthecountry,thoughyouboughttheminCheapside.Admirehertires:likeher
inallfashions;compareherineveryhabittosomedeity;inventexcellentdreamstoflatterher,andriddles;or,ifshebeagreatone,performalwaysthesecondpartstoher:likewhatshelikes,praisewhomshepraises,andfailnottomakethehouseholdandservantsyours,
yeathewholefamily,andsalutethembytheirnames,('tisbutlightcost,ifyoucanpurchasethemso,)andmakeherphysicianyourpensioner,andherchiefwoman.Norwillitbeoutofyourgaintomakelovetohertoo,soshefollow,notusherherlady'spleasure.Allblabbingistakenaway,whenshecomestobeapartofthecrime.
Daup.Onwhatcourtlylaphastthoulateslept,tocomeforthsosuddenandabsoluteacourtling?
True.Goodfaith,Ishouldratherquestionyou,thataresohearkeningafterthesemysteries.Ibegintosuspectyourdiligence,Dauphine.Speak,artthouinloveinearnest?
Daup.Yes,bymytroth,amI;'twereilldissemblingbeforethee.
True.Withwhichofthem,Iprithee?
Daup.Withallthecollegiates.
Cler.Outonthee!We'llkeepyouathome,believeit,inthestable,anyoubesuchastallion.
True.No;Ilikehimwell.Menshouldlovewisely,andallwomen;someonefortheface,andletherpleasetheeye;anotherfortheskin,andletherpleasethetouch;athirdforthevoice,andletherpleasetheear;andwheretheobjectsmix,letthesensessotoo.Thouwould'stthinkitstrange,ifIshouldmakethemallinlovewiththeeaforenight!
Daup.Iwouldsay,thouhadstthebestphiltreintheworld,andcouldstdomorethanmadamMedea,ordoctorForeman.
True.IfIdonot,letmeplaythemountebankformymeat,whileIlive,andthebawdformydrink.
Daup.Sobeit,Isay.
EnterOTTER,withhisthreeCups,DAW,andLA-FOOLE.
Oft.Olord,gentlemen,howmyknightsandIhavemistyouhere!
Cler.Why,captain,whatservice,whatservice?
Oii.Toseemebringupmybull,bear,andhorsetofight.
Daw.Yes,faith,thecaptainsays\veshallbehisdogstobaitthem.
Daup.Agoodemployment.
True.Comeon,let'sseeyourcourse,then.
La-F.Iamafraidmycousinwillbeoffended,ifshecome.
Oii.Beafraidofnothing.—Gentlemen,Ihaveplacedthedrumandthetrumpets,andoneto
givethemthesignwhenyouareready.Here'smybullformyself,andmybearforsirJohnDaw,andmyhorseforsirAmorous.Nowsetyourfoottomine,andyourstohis,and—
La-F.PrayGodmycousincomenot.
OtLSt.George,andSt.Andrew,fearnocousins.Come,sound,sound![Drumandtrumpetssound.]Etrauco.s//<////*//////mrnuficantu.[Theydrink*
True.Wellsaid,captain,i'faith;wellfoughtatthebull.
Cler.Wellheldatthebear.
True.Low,low!captain.
Daup.O,thehorsehaskick'doffhisdogalready.
La-F.Icannotdrinkit,asIamaknight.
True.Odsso!offwithhisspurs,somebody.
La-F.Itgoesagainstmyconscience.Mycousinwillbeangrywithit.
Daw.Ihavedonemine.
True.Youfoughthighandfair,sirJohn.
Cler.Atthehead.
Daup.Likeanexcellentbear-dog.
Cler.Youtakenonoticeofthebusiness,Ihope?
Daw.Notaword,sir;youseewearejovial.
Oil.SirAmorous,youmustnotequivocate.Itmustbepull'ddown,forallmycousin.
Cler.'Sfoot,ifyoutakenotyourdrink,they'llthinkyouarediscontentedwithsomething;you'llbetrayall,ifyoutaketheleastnotice.
La-F.NotI;I'llbothdrinkandtalkthen.
Ott.Youmustpullthehorseonhisknees,sirAmorous;fearnocousins.Jactaestalea.
True.0,nowhe'sinhisvein,andbold.Theleasthintgivenhimofhiswifenow,willmakehimraildesperately.
Cler.Speaktohimofher.
True.Doyou,andI'llfetchhertothehearingofit.[Exit.
Daup.CaptainHe-Otter,yourShe-Otteriscoming,yourwife.
Ott.Wife!buz?titivilitiumfThere'snosuchthinginnature.Iconfess,gentlemen,Ihaveacook,alaundress,ahouse-drudge,thatservesmynecessaryturns,andgoesunderthattitle;buthe'sanassthatwillbesouxorioustotiehisaffectionstoonecircle.Come,thenamedullsappetite.Here,replenishagain;anotherbout.[Fillsthecupsagain.]Wivesarenasty,sluttishanimals.
Daup.O,captain.
Ott.Asevertheearthbare,tribusverbis.—Where'smasterTruewit?
Daw.He'ssliptaside,sir.
Cler.Butyoumustdrinkandbejovial.
Daw.Yes,giveitme.
La-F.Andmetoo.
Daw.Let'sbejovial.
La-F.Asjovialasyouwill.
Ott.Agreed.Nowyoushallhavethebear,cousin,andsirJohnDawthehorse,andI'llhavethebullstill.Sound,TritonsoftheThames![Drumandtrumpetssoundagain.}Nuncestbibendum,nuncpedelibero—
Mor.[above.]Villains,murderers,sonsoftheearth,andtraitors,whatdoyouthere?
Cler.0,nowthetrumpetshavewakedhim,weshallhavehiscompany.
Oil.Awifeisascurvyclo«jdogdo,anunluckytinner,averyforesaidbear-whelp,withoutanygoodfashionorbreeding,malabestia.
Re-enterTRUEWITbehind,withMistressOTTER.
Daup.Whydidyoumarryonethen,captain?
Ott.Apox!—Imarriedwithsixthousandpound,I.Iwasinlovewiththat.IhavenotkissedmyFurythesefortyweeks.
Cler.Themoretoblameyou,captain.
True.Nay,mistressOtter,hearhimalittlefirst.
Ott.Shehasabreathworsethanmygrandmother's,profedo.
Mrs.Ott.Otreacherousliar!kissme,sweetmasterTruewit,andprovehimaslandering
knave.
True.I'llratherbelieveyou,lady.
Ott.Andshehasaperukethat'slikeapoundofhemp,madeupinshoe-threads.
Mrs.Ott.0viper,mandrake!
Ott.0mostvileface!andyetshespendsmefortypoundayearinmercuryandhogs-bones.AllherteethweremadeintheBlack-friars,bothhereyebrowsintheStrand,andherhairinSilver-street.Everypartofthetownownsapieceofher.
Mrs.Ott.[comesforward.}Icannothold.
Ott.Shetakesherselfasunderstillwhenshegoestobed,intosometwentyboxes;andaboutnextdaynoonisputtogetheragain,likeagreatGermanclock:andsocomesforth,andringsatediouslarumtothewholehouse,andthenisquietagainforanhour,butforherquarters—Haveyoudonemeright,gentlemen?
Mrs.Ott.[fallsuponhim,andbeatshim.]Xo,sir,I'lldoyourightwithmyquarters,withmyquarters.
Ott.O,hold,goodprincess.
True.Sound,sound![Drumandtrumpetssound.
Cler.Abattle,abattle!
Mrs,Ott.Younotoriousstinkardlybearward,doesmybreathsmell?
ott.T'nrlercorrection,dearprincess.—Looktomybearandmyhorse,gentlemen.
Mr*.Ott.DoIwantteeth,andeyebrows,thoubull-dog?
True.Sound,soundstill.[Theysoundagain.
Ott.Xo,Iprotest,undercorrection—
Mrs.Ott.Ay,nowyouareundercorrection,youprotest:buty>udidnotprotestbeforecorrection,sir.ThouJudas,tooffertobetraythypriu>•••—!I'llmaketheeanexample—[Beatshim.
EnterMOROSEwithhislongsword.
M»r.Iwillhavenosuchexamplesinmyhouse,ladyOtter.Mrs.Ott.Ah!-[M/r*.Olftr,I>"><\midLa-FooU,runoff.
Mar.MistressMiryAmerce,yourexamplesaredangerous.—
Rogues,hell-hounds,Stentors!outofmydoors,yousonsofnoiseandtumult,begotonanillMay-day,orwhenthegalley-foistisafloattoWestminster![Drivesoutthemusicians.]Atrumpetercouldnotbeconceivedbutthen.
Daup.Whatailsyou,sir?
Mor.Theyhaverentmyroof,walls,andallmywindowsasunder,withtheirbrazenthroats.[Exit.
True.Bestfollowhim,Dauphine.
Daup.SoIwill.[Exit.
Cler.Where'sDawandLa-Foole?
OU.Theyarebothrunaway,sir.Goodgentlemen,helptopacifymyprincess,andspeaktothegreatladiesforme.NowmustIgoliewiththebearsthisfortnight,andkeepoutoftheway,tillmypeacebemade,forthisscandalshehastaken.Didyounotseemybull-head,gentlemen?
Cler.Is'tnoton,captain?
True.No;buthemaymakeanewone,bythatison.
Ott.0,hereitis.Anyoucomeover,gentlemen,andaskforTomOtter,we'llgodowntoRatcliff,andhaveacoursei'faith,forallthesedisasters.Thereisbonaspesleft.
True.Away,captain,getoffwhileyouarewell.[ExitOtter.
Cler.Iamgladweareridofhim.
True.Youhadneverbeen,unlesswehadputhiswifeuponhim.Hishumourisastediousatlast,asitwasridiculousatfirst.
[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—AlongopenGalleryinthesame.
EnterLadyHAUGHTY,MistressOTTER,MAVIS,DAW,LA-FOOLE,
CENTAURE,andEPICCENE.
Hau.Wewonder'dwhyyoushriek'dso,mistressOtter.
Mrs.Ott.Olord,madam,hecamedownwithahugelongnakedweaponinbothhishands,andlook'dsodreadfully!surehe'sbesidehimself.
Mav.Why,whatmadeyouthere,mistressOtter?
Mrs.Ott.Alas,mistressMavis,Iwaschastisingmysubject,andthoughtnothingofhim.
Daw.Faith,mistress,youmustdosotoo:learntochastise.MistressOttercorrectsherhusbandso,hedaresnotspeakbutundercorrection.
La-F.Andwithhishatofftoher:'twoulddoyougoodtosee.
Hau.Insadness,'tisgoodandmaturecounsel;practiseit,Morose.I'llcallyouMorosestillnow,asIcallCentaureandMavis;wefourwillbeallone.
Cen.Andyou'llcometothecollege,andlivewithus?
Hau.Makehimgivemilkandhoney.
Mav.Lookhowyoumanagehimatfirst,youshallhavehimeverafter.
Cen.Lethimallowyouyourcoach,andfourhorses,yourwoman,
yourchamber-maid,yourpage,yourgentleman-usher,yourFrenchcook,andfourgrooms.
Han.AndgowithustoBedlam,tothechina-houses,andtotheExchange.
Cen.Itwillopenthegatetoyourfame.
Hau.Here'sCentaurehasimmortalisedherself,withtamingofherwildmale.
Mav.Ay,shehasdonethemiracleofthekingdom.
EnterCLERIMONTandTRUEWIT.
Epi.But,ladies,doyoucountitlawfultohavesuchpluralityofservants,anddothemallgraces?
Hau.Whynot?whyshouldwomendenytheirfavourstomen?aretheythepoorerortheworse?
Daw.IstheThamesthelessforthedyers'water,mistress?
La-F.Oratorchforlightingmanytorches?
True.Wellsaid,La-Foole;whatanewonehehasgotl
Cen.Theyareemptylosseswomenfearinthiskind.
Hau.Besides,ladiesshouldbemindfuloftheapproachofage,andletnotimewanthisdueuse.Thebestofourdayspassfirst.
Mav.Wearerivers,thatcannotbecall'dback,madam:shethatnowexcludesherlovers,maylivetolieaforsakenbeldame,inafrozenbed.
Cen.'Tistrue,Mavis:andwhowillwaitonustocoachthen?orwrite,ortellusthenewsthen,makeanagramsofournames,andinviteustotheCockpit,andkissourhandsalltheplay-time,anddrawtheirweaponsforourhonours?
Hau.Notone.
Daw.Nay,mymistressisnotaltogetherunintelligentofthesethings;herebeinpresencehavetastedofherfavours.
Cler.Whataneighinghobby-horseisthis!
Epi.Butnotwithintenttoboastthemagain,servant.—Andhaveyouthoseexcellentreceipts,madam,tokeepyourselvesfrombearingofchildren?
Hau.0yes,Morose:howshouldwemaintainouryouthandbeautyelse?Manybirthsofawomanmakeherold,asmanycropsmaketheearthbarren.
EnterMOROSEandDAUPHINE.
Mar.Omycursedangel,thatinstructedmetothisfate!
Daup.Why,sir?
M<>r.ThatIshouldbeseducedbysofoolishadevilasabarberwillmake!
Daup.IwouldIhadbeenworthy,sir,tohavepartakenyourcounsel;youshouldneverhavetrustedittosuchaminister.
Mor.WouldIcouldredeemitwiththelossofaneye,nephew,ahand,oranyothermember.
Daup.Marry,(Jodforbid,sir,thatyoushouldgeldyourself,toan^eryourwife.
CJv
Mor.Soitwouldridmeofher!—and,thatIdidsupererogatorypenanceinabelfry,atWestminster-hall,intheCockpit,atthefallofastag,theTower-wharf—whatplaceisthereelse?—London-bridge,Paris-garden,Billinsgate,whenthenoisesareattheirheight,andloudest.Nay,Iwouldsitoutaplay,thatwerenothingbutfightsatsea,drum,trumpet,andtarget.
Daup.Ihopethereshallbenosuchneed,sir.Takepatience,gooduncle.Thisisbutaday,and'tiswellworntoonow.
Mor.O,'twillbesoforever,nephew,Iforeseeit,forever.Strifeandtumultarethedowrythatcomeswithawife.
True.Itoldyouso,sir,andyouwouldnotbelieveme.
Mor.Alas,donotrubthosewounds,masterTruewit,tobloodagain:'twasmynegligence.Add
notafflictiontoaffliction.Ihaveperceivedtheeffectofit,toolate,inmadamOtter.
Epi.Howdoyou,sir?
Mor.Didyoueverhearamoreunnecessaryquestion?asifshedidnotsee!Why,Idoasyousee,empress,empress.
Epi.Youarenotwell,sir;youlookveryill:somethinghasdistemper'dyou.
Mor.0horrible,monstrousimpertinencies!wouldnotoneofthesehaveserved,doyouthink,sir?wouldnotoneofthesehaveserved?
True.Yes,sir;butthesearebutnotesoffemalekindness,sir;certaintokensthatshehasavoice,sir.
Mor.O,isitso!Come,an'tbenootherwise——Whatsayyou?
Epi.Howdoyoufeelyourself,sir?
Mor.Againthat!
True.Nay,lookyou,sir,youwouldbefriendswithyourwifeuponunconscionableterms;hersilence.
Epi.Theysayyouarerunmad,sir.
Mor.Notforlove,Iassureyou,ofyou;doyousee?
Epi.Olord,gentlemen!layholdonhim,forGod'ssake.WhatshallIdo?who'shisphysician,canyoutell,thatknowsthestateofhisbodybest,thatImightsendforhim?Goodsir,speak;I'llsendforoneofmydoctorselse.
Mor.What,topoisonme,thatImightdieintestate,andleaveyoupossestofall!
Epi.Lord,howidlyhetalks,andhowhiseyessparkle!helooksgreenaboutthetemples!doyouseewhatbluespotshehas!
Cler.Ay,'tismelancholy.
Epi.Gentlemen,forHeaven'ssake,counselme.Ladies;—servant,youhavereadPlinyandParacelsus;ne'erawordnowtocomfortapoorgentlewoman?Ayme,whatfortunehadI,tomarryadistractedman!
Daw.I'lltellyou,mistress—
True.Howrarelysheholdsitup![AsidetoCler.
Mor.Whatmeanyou,gentlemen?
Epi.Whatwillyoutellme,servant?
Daw.ThediseaseinGreekiscalled/uaiua,inLatininsania,furor,
velecstasismelancholica,thatis,egressio,whenamanexmelancholicoevaditfanaticus.
Mor.ShallIhavealecturereaduponmealive?
Daw.Buthemaybebutphreneticusyet,mistress;andphrenetisitonlydelirium,orso.
Epi.Ay,thatisforthedisease,servant;butwhatisthistothecure?Wearesureenoughofthedisease.
Mor.Letmego.
True.Why,we'llentreathertoholdherpeace,sir.
Mor.Ono,labournottostopher.Sheislikeaconduit-pipe,thatwillgushoutwithmoreforcewhensheopensagain.
Hau.I'lltellyou,Morose,youmusttalkdivinitytohimaltogether,ormoralphilosophy.
La-F.Ay,andthere'sanexcellentbookofmoralphilosophy,madam,ofReynardtheFox,andallthebeasts,calledDoni'sPhilosophy.
Cen.Thereisindeed,sirAmorousLa-Foole.
Mor.Omisery!
La-F.Ihavereadit,myladyCentaure,allover,tomycousinhere.
Mrs.Oil.Ay,and'tisaverygoodbookasanyis,ofthemoderns.
Daw.Tut,hemusthaveSenecareadtohim,andPlutarch,andtheancients;themodernsarenotforthisdisease.
Cler.WThy,youdiscommendedthemtoo,to-day,sirJohn.
Daw.Ay,insomecases:butinthesetheyarebest,andAristotle'sethics.
Mav.Sayyouso,sirJohn?Ithinkyouaredeceived;youtookitupontrust.
Hau.Where'sTrusty,mywoman?I'llendthisdifference.Iprithee,Otter,callher.Herfatherandmotherwerebothmad,whentheyputhertome.
Mor.Ithinkso.—Nay,gentlemen,Iamtame.Thisisbutanexercise,Iknow,amarriageceremony,whichImustendure.
Hau.Andoneofthem,Iknownotwhich,wascuredwiththeSickMan'sSalve,andtheotherwithGreen'sGroat's-worthofWit.
True.Averycheapcure,madam.
EnterTRUSTY*
Hau.Ay,'tisveryfeasible.
Mrs.Oil.Myladycall'dforyou,mistressTrusty:youmustdecideacontroversy.
Hau.0,Trusty,whichwasityousaid,yourfather,oryourmother,thatwascuredwiththeSickMan'sSalve?
Trus.Mymother,madam,withtheSalve.
True.Thenitwasthesickwoman'ssalve?
Trus.AndmyfatherwiththeGroat's-worthofWit.Buttherewasothermeansused:wehadapreacherthatwouldpreachfolkasleepstill;andsotheywereprescribedtogotochurch,byanoldwomanthatwastheirphysician,thriceaweek—
Epi.Tosleep?
Trus.Yes,forsooth:andeverynighttheyreadthemselvesasleeponthosebooks.
Epi,Goodfaith,itstandswithgreatreason.IwouldIknewwheretoprocurethosebooks.
Mor.Oh!
La-F.Icanhelpyouwithoneofthem,mistressMorose,theGroat's-worthofWit.
Epi.ButIshalldisfurnishyou,sirAmorous:canyouspareit?
La-F.Oyes,foraweek,orso;I'llreaditmyselftohim.
Epi.No,Imustdothat,sir;thatmustbemyoffice.
Mor.Oh,oh!
Epi.Surehewoulddowellenough,ifhecouldsleep.
Mor.No,Ishoulddowellenough,ifyoucouldsleep.HaveInofriendthatwillmakeherdrunk,orgiveheralittlelaudanum,oropium?
True.Why,sir,shetalkstentunesworseinhersleep.
Mor.How!
Cler.Doyounotknowthat,sir?neverceasesallnight.
True.Andsnoreslikeaporpoise.
Mor.Oredeemme,fate;redeemme,fate!Forhowmanycausesmayamanbedivorced,nephew?
Daup.Iknownot,truly,sir.
True.Somedivinemustresolveyouinthat,sir,orcanon-lawyer.
Mor.Iwillnotrest,Iwillnotthinkofanyotherhopeorcomfort,tillIknow.[ExitwithDauphine.
Cler.Alas,poorman!
True.You'llmakehimmadindeed,ladies,ifyoupursuethis.
Hau.No,we'lllethimbreathenow,aquarterofanhourorso.
Cler.Bymyfaith,alargetruce!
Hau.Isthathiskeeper,thatisgonewithhim?
Daw.Itishisnephew,madam.
La-F.SirDauphineEugenie.
Cen.Helookslikeaverypitifulknight—
Daw.Ascanbe.Thismarriagehasputhimoutofall.
La-F.Hehasnotapennyinhispurse,madam.
Daw.Heisreadytocryallthisday.
La-F.Averyshark;hesetmeinthenickt'othernightatPrirnero.
True.Howtheseswabberstalk!
Cler.Ay,Otter'swinehasswell'dtheirhumoursaboveaspringtide.
Hau.GoodMorose,let'sgoinagain.Ilikeyourcouchesexceedingwell;we'llgolieandtalkthere.
[ExeuntHau.,Cen.,Mav.,Trus.,La-Foole,andDaw.
Epi.[followingthem.]Iwaitonyou,madam.
True,[stoppingher.]'Slight,Iwillhavethemassilentassigns,andtheirposttoo,ereIhavedone.Doyouhear,lady-bride?Ipraytheenow,asthouartanoblewench,continuethisdiscourse
ofDauphinewithin;butpraisehimexceedingly:magnifyhimwithalltheheightofaffection
thoucanst;—Ihavesomepurposein't:andbutbeatoffthesetworooks,JackDawandhisfellow,withanydiscontentment,hither,andI'llhonourtheeforever.
Epi.Iwasaboutithere.Itangeredmetothesoul,tohearthembegintotalksomalepert.
True.Praytheeperformit,andthouwinn'stmeanidolatertotheeeverlasting.
Epi.Willyougoinandhearmedo't?
True.No,I'llstayhere.Drivethemoutofyourcompany,'tisallIask;whichcannotbeanywaybetterdone,thanbyextollingDauphine,whomtheyhavesoslighted.
Epi.Iwarrantyou;youshallexpectoneofthempresently.
[Exit.
Cler.Whatacastofkestrilsarethese,tohawkafterladies,thus!
True.Ay,andstrikeatsuchaneagleasDauphine.
Cler.Hewillbemadwhenwetellhim.Herehecomes.
Re-enterDAUPHINE.
Cler.Osir,youarewelcome.
True.Where'sthineuncle?
Daup.Runoutofdoorsinhisnight-caps,totalkwithacasuistabouthisdivorce.Itworksadmirably.
True.Thouwouldsthavesaidso,anthouhadstbeenhere!Theladieshavelaugh'dattheemostcomically,sincethouwent'st,Dauphine.
Cler.Andask'd,ifthouwertthineuncle'skeeper.
True.Andthebraceofbaboonsanswer'd,Yes;andsaidthouwertapitifulpoorfellow,anddidstliveuponposts,andhadstnothingbutthreesuitsofapparel,andsomefewbenevolencesthatthelordsgavetheetofooltothem,andswagger.
Daup.Letmenotlive,I'llbeatthem:I'llbindthembothtogrand-madam'sbed-posts,andhavethembaitedwithmonkies.
True.Thoushaltnotneed,theyshallbebeatentothyhand,Dauphine.Ihaveanexecutiontoserveuponthem,Iwarrantthee,shallserve;trustmyplot.
Daup.Ay,youhavemanyplots!soyouhadonetomakeallthewenchesinlovewithme.
True.Why,ifIdoitnotyetaforenight,asnearas'tis,andthattheydonoteveryoneinvite
thee,andbereadytoscratchforthee,takethemortgageofmywit.
Cler.'ForeGod,I'llbehiswitnessthoushalthaveit,Dauphine:thoushaltbehisfoolforever,ifthoudostnot.
True.Agreed.Perhaps'twillbethebetterestate.Doyouobservethisgallery,orratherlobby,indeed?Hereareacoupleofstudies,ateachendone:herewillIactsuchatragi-comedybetweentheGuelphsandtheGhibellines,DawandLa-Foole—whichofthemcomesoutfirst,willIseizeon;—youtwoshallbethechorusbehindthearras,andwhipoutbetweentheactsandspeak
—IfIdonotmakethemkeepthepeaceforthisremnantoftheday,
ifnotoftheyear,Ihavefailedonce1hearDawcoming:hide,
[theywithdraw]anddonotlaugh,forGod'ssake.
Re-enterDAW.
Daw.Whichisthewayintothegarden,trow?
True.O,JackDaw!IamgladIhavemetwithyou.Ingoodfaith,Imusthavethismattergonofurtherbetweenyou:Imusthaveittakenup.
Daw.Whatmatter,sir?betweenwhom?
True.Come,youdisguiseit:sirAmorousandyou.Ifyouloveme,Jack,youshallmakeuseofyourphilosophynow,forthisonce,anddelivermeyoursword.ThisisnottheweddingtheCentaurswereat,thoughtherebeasheonehere.[Takeshissword.]ThebridehasentreatedmeIwillseenobloodshedatherbridal:yousawherwhispermeerewhile.
Daw.AsIhopetofinishTacitus,Iintendnomurder.
True.DoyounotwaitforsirAmorous?
Daw.NotI,bymyknighthood.
True.Andyourscholarshiptoo?
Daw.Andmyscholarshiptoo.
True.Goto,thenIreturnyouyoursword,andaskyoumercy;butputitnotup,foryouwillbeassaulted.Iunderstoodthatyouhadapprehendedit,andwalkedheretobravehim;andthatyouhadheldyourlifecontemptible,inregardofyourhonour.
Daw.No,no;nosuchthing,Iassureyou.HeandIpartednow,asgoodfriendsascouldbe.
True.Trustnotyoutothatvisor.Isawhimsincedinnerwithanotherface:Ihaveknownmanymeninmytimevex'dwithlosses,withdeaths,andwithabuses;butsooffendeda
wightassirAmorous,didIneverseeorreadof.Fortakingawayhisguests,sir,to-day,that'sthecause;andhedeclaresitbehindyour
backwithsuchthreateningsandcontemptsHesaidtoDau-
phine,youwerethearrant'stass—
Daw.Ay,hemaysayhispleasure.
True.Andswearsyouaresoprotestedacoward,thatheknowsyouwillneverdohimanymanlyorsingleright;andthereforehewilltakehiscourse.
Daw.I'llgivehimanysatisfaction,sir—butfighting.
True.Ay,sir:butwhoknowswhatsatisfactionhe'lltake:bloodhethirstsfor,andbloodhewillhave;andwhereaboutsonyouhewillhaveit,whoknowsbuthimself?
Daw.Iprayyou,masterTruewit,beyouamediator.
True.Well,sir,concealyourselftheninthisstudytillIreturn.[Putshimintothestudy.]Nay,youmustbecontenttobelock'din;for,formineownreputation,Iwouldnothaveyouseentoreceiveapublicdisgrace,whileIhavethematterinmanaging.Odsso,herehecomes;keepyourbreathclose,thathedonothearyousigh.—Ingoodfaith,sirAmorous,heisnotthisway;Iprayyou
bemerciful,donotmurderhim;heisa,Christian,asgoodasyou:youarearm'dasifyousoughtrevengeonallhisrace.GoodDauphine,gethimawayfromthisplace.Ineverknewaman'scholersohigh,buthewouldspeaktohisfriends,hewouldhearreason.—JackDaw,Jack!asleep!
Daw.[within.]Ishegone,masterTruewit?
True.Ay;didyouhearhim?
Daw.Olord!yes.
True.Whataquickearfearhas!
Daw.[comesoutoftheclosest.]Butishesoarm'd,asyousay?
True.Arm'd!didyoueverseeafellowsetouttotakepossession?
Daw.Ay,sir.
True.Thatmaygiveyousomelighttoconceiveofhim;but'tisnothingtotheprincipal.Somefalsebrotherinthehousehasfurnish'dhimstrangely;or,ifitwereoutofthehouse,itwasTomOtter.
Daw.Indeedhe'sacaptain,andhiswifeishiskinswoman.
True.Hehasgotsomebody'soldtwo-handswTord,tomowyouoffattheknees;andthatswordhathspawn'dsuchadagger!—Butthenheissohungwithpikes,halberds,petronels,caliversandmuskets,thathelookslikeajusticeofpeace'shall;amanoftwothousanda-yearisnotcess'datsomanyweaponsashehason.Therewasneverfencerchallengedatsomanyseveralfoils.YouwouldthinkhemeanttomurderallSt.Pulchreparish.Ifhecouldbutvictualhimselfforhalfa-yearinhisbreeches,heissufficientlyarm'dtoover-runacountry.
Daw.Goodlord!whatmeanshe,sir?Iprayyou,masterTruewit,beyouamediator.
True.Well,I'lltryifhewillbeappeasedwithalegoranarm;ifnotyoumustdieonce.
Daw.Iwouldbelothtolosemyrightarm,forwritingmadrigals.
True.Why,ifhewillbesatisfiedwithathumboralittlefinger,all'sonetome.Youmustthink,I'lldomybest.
[Shutshimupagain.
Daw.Goodsir,do.[ChrimontandDauphinecomeforward.
Cler.WThathastthoudone?
True.Hewillletmedonothing,hedoesallafore;heoffershisleftarm.
Cler.HisloftwingforaJackDaw.
Daup.Takeitbyallmeans.
True.How!maimamanforever,forajest?Whataconsciencehastthou!
Daup.'Tisnolosstohim:hehasnoemploymentforhisarms,buttoeatspoon-meat.Beside,asgoodmaimhisbodyashisreputation.
True.Heisascholarandawit,andyethedocsnotthinkso.Buthelosesnoreputationwithus;forweallresolvedhimanassbefore.Toyourplacesagain.
Cler.Ipraythee,letbemeinattheoilieralittle.
~k.you'llspoilall;thesebeeveryourtricks.Chr.Xo,butIcouldhitofsomethingsthatthouwiltmiss,andthouwiltsavaregoodones.
^
True.Iwarrantyou.Iprayforbear,I'llleaveitoff,else.Daup.Comeaway,Clerimont.
[Daup.andCler.withdrawasbefore.
EnterLA-FOOLE.
True.SirAmorous!
La-F.MasterTruewit.
True.Whitherwereyougoing?
La-F.Downintothecourttomakewater.
True.Bynomeans,sir;youshallrathertemptyourbreeches.
Li-F.Why.air!
True.Enterhere,ifyouloveyourlife.
[Openingthedooroftheotherstudy.La-F.Whv?whv?
L«.
True.Questiontillyourthroatbecut,do:dallytilltheenragedsoulfindyou.
La-F.Whoisthat?
True.Dawitis:willvouin?
*
La-F.Ay,ay,I'llin:what'sthematter?
True.Xay,ifhehadbeencoolenoughtotellusthat,therehadbeensomehopetoatoneyou;butheseemssoimplacablyenraged!
La-F.'Slight,lethimrage!I'llhidemyself.
True.Do,goodsir.Butwhathaveyoudonetohimwithin,thatshouldprovokehimthus?Youhavebrokesomejestuponhimaforetheladies.
La-F.XotI,neverinmylife,brokejest-uponanyman.ThebridewaspraisingsirDauphine,andhewentawayinsnuff,andI-..jwedhim;unlesshetookoffenceatmeinhisdrinkerewhile,thatIwouldnotpledgeallthehorsefull.
True.Bvmvfaith,andthatmavbe;vourememberwell:but
•fV«.
hewalkstheroundupanddown,througheveryroomo'thehouse,withatowelinhishand,crying,Where'sLa-Foole?WhosawLi-Fo:.1'.?AndwhenDauphineandIdemandedthecause,wecanforcenoanswerfromhim,but—0revenge,nowsu-tetartthou.'Iicillstranglehiminthistowd—whichleadsustoconjecturethatthemaincauseofhisfuryis,forbringingyourmeatto-day,withatowelaboutyou,tohis'discredit.
La-F.Likeenough.Why,anhebeangryforthat,I'llstayheretillhisangerbeblownover.
True.Agoodbecomingresolution,sir;ifyoucanputitono'thesudden.
La-F.Yes.Icanputiton:or,I'llawayintothecountrypresently.
True.Howwillyougooutofthehouse,sir?heknowsyouareinthehouse,andhe'llwatchthisse'ennight,buthe'llhaveyou:he'lloutwaitaserjeantforyou.
La-F.Why,thenI'llstayh
Youmustthinkh'rrselfintimc
La-F.Why.sweetmasterTmewit,willyouentreatn:Ottertosendmeacoldvenison:abottleortwoofwine,
andachamber-pot?
True,Astoolwerebetter,sir,ofsir.-:ivention.
La-F.Ay.thatwillbebetter,indeed;andapallattolieOEL
TrIwouldnotadviseyoutosleepbyanyL
La-F.Wouldyounot.sir?Why,thenIwilln
!>;,€.Yet.there'sanotherfear—
La-F.Isthere!whatis't?
True.X'~.hecannotbreakopenthisdoorwit:'-:I
La-F.I'llsetmybackagainstit,sir.Ita-:odbe.
True.Butthen'ifheshouldbatter.
La-F.Batter!ifhedare,Tilhaveanactionof_
him,
True.Castyoutheworst.Hehassentforpowderalready.:whathewilld'owithit,nomanknows:perhapsblowupthecornerofthehousewherehesuspectsyouare.Herehecomes;inquickly.[Thrust*inLa-Foohandshut?ther-'_—I-.sirJohnI
heisnotthisway:whatwillyoudo?Be:-hall
hansnopetardhere:Tildierather.Willyounottakemyword?Ineverknewonebutwouldbesatisied.—SirAmorous,[sptaksthroughtk-.'there'snostandin_hehasmadeapetard
ofanoldbrasspot.toforceyourdoor.TV.inkuponson_-fac-
tion,ortermstoofferhim.
La-F.[tritk.]Sir,I'lldvebimanysatisfaction:Ianyter
True.You'llleaveittomether.?
La-F.Ay.sir:I'llstandtoanyconditions,
True,[beckoningfoncardCler.andDaup.~\Hownow,--thinkyou,sirs?were'tnotadifficultthingtodeterminewhic.thesetwofear'dm>
Cler.Yes.butthisfearsthebravest:the
dastard.JackDaw!ButLa-Foole.abravehe:-d!andis
afraidinagreatlookandastoutaccent;Ilikehimran
True.Haditnotbeenpi?etwoshoul.;>eenconcealed?
Cler.ShallImakeamotion?
True.Briefly:forImuststrikewhi1
Cler.ShallIgofetchtheladiestothecatastroph-?
True.Urnph!ay.bymytroth.
.Bynomortalmeans.Letthen:•:ce,anderrstill:thinkthemwitsandfinefellITS,havedone.'Tweresintoreformthem.
Truf.Well.Iwillhavethemfetch'd.nowIdunkfora
privatepurposeofmine:do.Clerimc:tothemallthat.andbringthemintothe_
••r.TV.:-•>thyextremevanity,now:-wertundone,ifeveryje-'rtwerenotpublished.
True.Thoushaltseehowunjustthouartpresently.Clerimont,sayitwasDauphine'splot.[ExitClerimont.]Trustmenot,ifthewholedriftbenotforthygood.Thereisacarpetinthenextroom,putiton,withthisscarfoverthyface,andacushiononthyhead,andbereadywhenIcallAmorous.Away![ExitDaup.]JohnDaw![GoestoDaw'sclosetandbringshimout.
Daw.Whatgoodnews,sir?
True.Faith,Ihavefollowedandarguedwithhimhardforyou.Itoldhimyouwereaknight,andascholar,andthatyouknewfortitudedidconsistmagispatiendoquamfaciendo,magisferendoquamferiendo.
Daw.Itdothsoindeed,sir.
True.Andthatyouwouldsuffer,Itoldhim:soatfirsthedemandedbymytroth,inmyconceit,toomuch.
Daw.Whatwasit,sir?
True.Yourupperlip,andsixofyourfore-teeth.
Daio.'Twasunreasonable.
True.Nay,Itoldhimplainly,youcouldnotsparethemall.Soafterlongargumentproetcon.asyouknow,Ibroughthimdowntoyourtwobutter-teeth,andthemhewouldhave.
Daw.O,didyouso?Why,heshallhavethem.
True.Butheshallnot,sir,byyourleave.Theconclusionisthis,sir:becauseyoushallbeverygoodfriendshereafter,andthisnevertoberememberedorupbraided;besides,thathemaynotboasthehasdoneanysuchthingtoyouinhisownperson;heistocomehereindisguise,giveyoufivekicksinprivate,sir,takeyourswordfromyou,andlockyouupinthatstudyduringpleasure:whichwillbebutalittlewhile,we'llgetitreleasedpresently.
Daw.Fivekicks!heshallhavesix,sir,tobefriends.
True.Believeme,youshallnotover-shootyourself,tosendhimthatwordbyme.
Daw.Deliverit,sir;heshallhaveitwithallmyheart,tobefriends.
True.Friends!Nay,anheshouldnotbeso,andheartilytoo,upontheseterms,heshallhavemetoenemywhileIlive.Come,sir,bearitbravely.
Daw.0lord,sir,'tisnothing.
True.True:what'ssixkickstoamanthatreadsSeneca?
Daw.Ihavehadahundred,sir.
True.SirAmorous!
Re-enterDAUPHINE,disguised.
Nospeakingonetoanother,orrehearsingoldmatters.
Daw.[asDaup.kickshim.]One,two,three,four,five.Iprotest,sirAmorous,youshallhavesix.
True.Nay,Itoldyou,youshouldnottalk.Comegivehimsix,anhewillneeds.[Dauphinekickshimagain.]—Yoursword.[Takeshissword.]Nowreturntoyoursafecustody;youshallpresentlymeetaforetheladies,andbethedearestfriendsonetoanother.
[PutsDawintothestudy.'}—Givemethescarfnow,thoushaltbeattheotherbare-faced.
Standby:[Dauphineretires,andTruewitgoestotheothercloset,andreleasesLa-Foole.]—SirAmorous!
La-F.What'3here!Asword?
True.Icannothelpit,withoutIshouldtakethequarreluponmyself.Herehehassentyouhissword—
La-F.I'llreceivenoneon't.
True.Andhewillsyoutofastenitagainstawall,andbreakyourheadinsomefewseveralplacesagainstthehilts.
La-F.Iwillnot:tellhimroundly.Icannotenduretoshedmyownblood.
True.Willyounot?
La-F.No.I'llbeatitagainstafairflatwall,ifthatwillsatisfyhim:ifnot,heshallbeatithimself,forAmorous.
True.Why,thisisstrangestartingoff,whenamanundertakesforyou!Ioffer'dhimanothercondition;willyoustandtothat?
La-F.Ay,whatis't?
True.Thatyouwillbebeateninprivate.
La-F.Yes,Iamcontent,attheblunt.
Enter,above,HAUGHTY,CEXTAURE,MAVIS,MistressOTTER,
EPICCENE,andTRUSTY.
True.Thenyoumustsubmityourselftobehoodwinkedinthisscarf,andbeledtohim,wherehewilltakeyourswordfromyou,andmakeyoubearablowoverthemouth,gules,andtweaksbythenosesansnombre.
La-F.Iamcontent.ButwhymustIbeblinded?
True.That'sforyourgood,sir;because,ifheshouldgrowinsolentuponthis,andpublishithereaftertoyourdisgrace,(whichIhopehewillnotdo,)youmightswearsafely,andprotest,heneverbeatyou,toyourknowledge.
La-F.O,Iconceive.
True.Idonotdoubtbutyou'llbeperfectgoodfriendsupon't,andnotdaretoutteranillthoughtoneofanotherinfuture.
La-F.NotI,asGodhelpme,ofhim.
True.Norheofyou,sir.Ifheshould,[bindshiseyes.'}—Come,sir.[leadshimforward.]—Allhid,sirJohn!
EnterDAUIMIINE,andtweakshimbythenose.
La-F.O,sirJohn,sirJohn!Oh,o-o-o-o-o-Oh—True.GoodsirJohn,leavetweaking,you'llblowhisnoseoff.—'TissirJohn'spleasure,youshouldretireintothestudy.[Putshimupagain.]—Why,nowyouarefriends.Allbitternessbetweenyou,Ihope,isburied;youshallcomeforthbyandby,DamonandI'ythiasupon't,andembracewithalltheranknossoffriendshipth.itcanbe.—Itru~t,\vcshallhavethemtamerintheirlaivjua^ehereafter.Dauphine,Iworshipthce.—God'swill,theladieshavesurprisedin!
EnterHAUGHTY,CENTAURE,MAVIS,MistressOTTER,EPICCEXE,
andTRUSTY,behind.
Hau.Centaure,howourjudgmentswereimposedonbytheseadulterateknights!
Cen.Nay,madam,Maviswasmoredeceivedthanwe;'twashercommendationutter'dtheminthecollege.
Mav.Icommendedbuttheirwits,madam,andtheirbraveries.Ineverlook'dtowardtheirvalours.
Hau.SirDauphineisvaliant,andawittoo,itseems.
Mav.Andabraverytoo.
Hau.Wasthishisproject?
Mrs.Ott.SomasterClerimontintimates,madam.
Hau.GoodMorose,whenyoucometothecollege,willyoubringhimwithyou?heseemsaveryperfectgentleman.
Epi.Heisso,madam,believeit.
Cen.Butwhenwillyoucome,Morose?
Epi.Threeorfourdayshence,madam,whenIhavegotmeacoachandhorses.
Hau.No,to-morrow,goodMorose;Centaureshallsendyouhercoach.
Mav.Yesfaith,do,andbringsirDauphinewithyou.
Hau.Shehaspromisedthat,Mavis.
Mav.Heisaveryworthygentlemaninhisexteriors,madam.
Hau.Ay,heshewsheisjudicialinhisclothes.
Cen.Andyetnotsosuperlativelyneatassome,madam,thathavetheirfacessetinabrake.
Hau.Ay,andhaveeveryhairinform.
Mav.Thatwearpurerlinenthanourselves,andprofessmoreneatnessthantheFrenchhermaphrodite!
Epi.Ay,ladies,they,whattheytelloneofus,havetoldathousand;andaretheonlythievesofourfame,butthinktotakeuswiththatperfume,orwiththatlace,andlaughatusunconscionablywhentheyhavedone.
Hau.ButsirDauphine'scarelessnessbecomeshim.
Cen.Icouldloveamanforsuchanose.
Mav.Orsuchaleg.
Cen.Hehasanexceedinggoodeye,madam.
Mav.Andaverygoodlock.
Cen.GoodMorose,bringhimtomychamberfirst.
Mrs.Ott.Pleaseyourhonourstomeetatmyhouse,madam.
True.Seehowtheyeyethee,man!theyaretaken,Iwarrantthee.[Haughtycomesforward.
Hau.Youhaveunbracedourbraceofknightshere,masterTruewit.
True.NotI,madam;itwassirDauphine'singine:who,ifhehavedisfurnish'dyourladyshipofnyguardorservicebyit,isabletomaketheplacegoodagaininhimself.
Hau.Thereisnosuspicionofthat,sir.
Cen.Godso.Mavis,Haughtyiskissing.
Mav.Letusgotoo,andtakepart.{Theycome,forward.
Hau.ButIamgladofthefortune(besidethediscoveryoftwosuchemptycaskets)togaintheknowledgeofsorichamineofvirtueassirDauphine.
Cen.Wewouldbeallgladtostylehimofourfriendship,andseehimatthecollege.
Mav.Hecannotmixwithasweetersociety,I'llprophesy;andIhopehehimselfwillthinkso.
Daup.Ishouldberudetoimagineotherwise,lady.True.DidnotItellthee,Dauphine!Why,alltheiractionsaregovernedbycrudeopinion,withoutreasonorcause;theyknownotwhytheydoanything;but,astheyareinform'd,believe,judge,praise,condemn,love,hate,andin
emulationoneofanother,doallthesethingsalike.Onlytheyhaveanaturalinclinationswaysthemgenerallytotheworst,whentheyarelefttothemselves.Butpursueit,nowthouhastthem.
Hau.Shallwegoinagain,Morose?
Epi.Yes,madam.
Cen.We'llentreatsirDauphine'scompany.
True.Stay,goodmadam,theinterviewofthetwofriends,PyladesandOrestes:I'llfetchthemouttoyoustraight.
Hau.Willyou,masterTruewit?
Daup.Ay,butnobleladies,donotconfessinyourcountenance,oroutwardbearingtothem,anydiscoveryoftheirfollies,thatwemayseehowtheywillbearupagain,withwhatassuranceanderection.
Hau.Wewillnot,sirDauphine.
Cen.Mav.Uponourhonours,sirDauphine.
True,[goestothefirstcloset.}SirAmorous,sirAmorous!Theladiesarehere.
La-F.[within.']Arethey?
True.Yes;butslipoutbyandby,astheirbacksareturn'd,andmeetsirJohnhere,asbychance,whenIcallyou.[Goestotheother.}—JackDaw.
Daw.[within.]Whatsayyou,sir?
True.Whipoutbehindmesuddenly,andnoangerinyourlookstoyouradversary.Now,now!
[La-FooleandDawslipoutoftheirrespectiveclosets,andsaluteeachother.
La-F.NoblesirJohnDaw,wherehaveyoubeen?
Daw.Toseekyou,sirAmorous.
La-F.Me!Ihonouryou.
Daw.Ipreventyou,sir.
f'ler.Theyhaveforgottheirrapiers.
True.0,theymeetinpeace,man.
Daup.Where'syoursword,sirJohn?
Cler.Andyours,sirAmorous?
Daw.Mine!myboyhaditforthtomendthehandJe,e'ennow.
La-F.Andmygoldhandlewasbroketoo,andmyboyhaditforth.
Daup.Indeed,sir!—Howtheirexcusesmeet!
Cler.Whataconsentthereisinthehandles!
True.Nay,thereissointhepointstoo,Iwarrantyou.
EnterMOROSE,withthetwoswords,drawninhisha,nd<<.
Mrs.Ott.Ome!madam,hecomesagain,themadman!Away!
[Ladies,Daw,andLa-Foole,runoff.
Mor.Whatmakethesenakedweaponshere,gentlemen?
True.Osir!herehathliketohavebeenmurdersinceyouwent;acoupleofknightsfallenoutaboutthebride'sfavours!Wewerefaintotakeawaytheirweapons;yourhousehadbeenbegg'dbythistimeelse.
Mor.Forwhat?
Cler.Formanslaughter,sir,asbeingaccessary.
Mor.Andforherfavours?
True.Ay,sir,heretofore,notpresent—Clerimont,carrythemtheirswordsnow.Theyhavedoneallthehurttheywilldo.
[ExitCler.tviththetwoswords.
Daup.Haveyouspokewiththelawyer,sir?
Mor.Ono!thereissuchanoiseinthecourt,thattheyhavefrightedmehomewithmoreviolencethanIwent!suchspeakingandcounter-speaking,withtheirseveralvoicesofcitations,appellations,allegations,certificates,attachments,intergatories,references,convictions,andafflictionsindeed,amongthedoctorsandproctors,thatthenoisehereissilenceto't,akindofcalmmidnight!
True.Why,sir,ifyouwouldberesolvedindeed,Icanbringyouhitheraverysufficientlawyer,andalearneddivine,thatshallenquireintoeveryleastscrupleforyou.
Mor.Canyou,masterTruewit?
True.Yes,andareverysober,gravepersons,thatwilldispatchitinachamber,withawhisper
ortwo.
Mor.Goodsir,shallIhopethisbenefitfromyou,andtrustmyselfintoyourhands?
True.Alas,sir!yournephewandIhavebeenashamedandoft-timesmad,sinceyouwent,tothinkhowyouareabused.Goin,goodsir,andlockyourselfuptillwecallyou;we'lltellyoumoreanon,sir.
Mor.Doyourpleasurewithmegentlemen;Ibelieveinyou,andthatdeservesnodelusion.[Exit.
True.Youshallfindnone,sir;—butheap'd,heap'dplentyofvexation.
Daup.Whatwiltthoudonow,Wit?
True.RecovermehitherOtterandthebarber,ifyoucan,byanymeans,presently.
Daup.Why?towhatpurpose?
True.O,I'llmakethedeepestdivine,andgravestlawyer,outofthemtwoforhim—
Daup.Thoucanstnot,man;thesearewakingdreams.
True.Donotfearme.Clapbutacivilgownwithaweltontheone,andacanonicalclokewithsleevesontheother,andgivethemafewtermsintheirmouths,iftherecomenotforthasableadoctorandcompleteaparson,forthisturn,asmaybewish'd,trustnotmyelection:andIhope,withoutwrongingthedignityofeitherprofession,sincetheyarebutpersonsputon,andformirth'ssake,totormenthim.ThebarbersmattersLatin,Iremember.
Daup.Yes,andOttertoo.
True.Wellthen,ifImakethemnotwrangleoutthiscasetohisnocomfort,letmebethoughtaJackDaworLa-Fooleoranythingworse.Goyoutoyourladies,butfirstsendforthem.
Daup.Iwill.[Exeunt.
ACTV
SCEXEI.—ARoominMOROSE'SHouse.EnterLA-FOOLE,CLERIMONT,andDAW.
La-F.Wherehadyouourswords,masterClerimont?Cler.Why,Dauphinetookthemfromthemadman.La-F.Andhetookthemfromourboys,Iwarrantyou.Cler.Verylike,sir.
La-F.Thankyou,goodmasterClerimont.SirJohnDawandIarebothbeholdentoyou.
Cler.WouldIknewhowtomakeyouso,gentlemen1Daw.SirAmorousandIareyourservants,sir.
EnterMAVIS.
Mav.Gentlemen,haveanyofyouapenandink?IwouldfainwriteoutariddleinItalian,forsirDauphinetotranslate.
Cler.NotI,introth,lady;Iamnoscrivener.
Daw.Icanfurnishyou,Ithink,lady.[ExeuntDawandMavis.
Cler.Hehasitinthehaftofaknife,Ibelieve.
La-F.No,hehashisboxofinstruments.
Cler.Likeasurgeon!
La-F.Forthemathematics:hissquare,hiscompasses,hisbrasspens,andblack-lead,todrawmapsofeveryplaceandpersonwherehecomes.
Cler.How,mapsofpersons[
La-F.Yes,sir,ofNomentackwhenhewashere,andoftheprinceofMoldavia,andofhismistress,mistressEpicucne.
Re-enterDAW.
(ler.Away!hehathnotfoundoutherlatitude,Ihope.La-F.Youareapleasantgentleman,sir.
('ler.Faith,nowweareinprivate,let'swantonitaliftIf,andtalkwaggishly.—SirJohn,IamtellingsirAmoroushere,thatyou
twogoverntheladieswhereveryoucome;youcarrythefemininegenderaforeyou.
Daw.Theyshallrathercarryusaforethem,iftheywill,sir.
Cler.Nay,Ibelievethattheydo,withal—butthatyouaretheprimemenintheiraffections,anddirectalltheiractions—
Daw.NotI;sirAmorousis.
La-F.Iprotest,sirJohnis.
Daw.AsIhopetoriseinthestate,sirAmorous,youhavetheperson.
La-F.SirJohn,youhavetheperson,andthediscoursetoo.
Daw.NotI,sir.Ihavenodiscourse—andthenyouhaveactivitybeside.
La-F.Iprotest,sirJohn,youcomeashighfromTripolyasIdo,everywhit:andliftasmanyjoin'dstools,andleapoverthem,ifyouwoulduseit.
Cler.Well,agreeon'ttogether,knights;forbetweenyou,youdividethekingdomorcommonwealthofladies'affections:Iseeit,andcanperceivealittlehowtheyobserveyou,andfearyou,indeed.Youcouldtellstrangestories,mymasters,ifyouwould,Iknow.
Daw.Faith,wehaveseensomewhat,sir.
La-F.Thatwehave—velvetpetticoats,andwroughtsmocks,orso.
Daw.Ay,and—
Cler.Nay,outwithit,sirJohn;donotenvyyourfriendthepleasureofhearing,whenyouhavehadthedelightoftasting.
Daw.Why—aDoyouspeak,sirAmorous.
La-F.No,doyou,sirJohnDaw.
DawI'faith,youshall.
La-F.I'faith,youshall.
Daw.Why,wehavebeen—
La-F.InthegreatbedatWaretogetherinourtime.On,sirJohn.
Daw.Nay,doyou,sirAmorous.
Cler.Andtheseladieswithyou,knights?
La-F.No,excuseus,sir.
Daw.Wemustnotwoundreputation.
La-F.Nomatter—theywerethese,orothers.Ourbathcostusfifteenpoundwhenwecamehome.
Cler.Doyouhear,sirJohn?Youshalltellmebutonethingtruly,asyouloveme.
Daiv.IfIcan,Iwill,sir.
Cler.Youlayinthesamehousewiththebridehere?
Daw.Yes,andconversedwithherhourly,sir.
Cler.Andwhathumourissheof?Isshecomingandopen,free?
Daw.O,exceedingopen,sir.Iwasherservant,andsirAmorouswastobe.
Cler.Come,youhavebothhadfavoursfromher:Iknow,andhaveheardsomuch.
Daw.0no,sir.
La-F.Youshallexcuseus,sir;wemustnotwoundreputation.
Cler.Tut,sheismarriednow,andyoucannothurtherwithanyreport;andthereforespeakplainly:howmanytimes,i'faith?whichofyouledfirst?ha!
La-F.SirJohnhadhermaidenhead,indeed.
Daw.O,itpleaseshimtosayso,sir;butsirAmorousknowswhat'swhat,aswell.
Cler.Dostthou,i'faith,Amorous?
La-F.Inamanner,sir.
Cler.Why,Icommendyou,lads.LittleknowsdonBridegroomofthis;norshallhe,forme.
Daw.Hanghim,madox!
Cler.Speaksoftly;herecomeshisnephew,withtheladyHaughty:he'llgettheladiesfromyou,sirs,ifyoulooknottohimintime.
La-F.Why,ifhedo,we'llfetchthemhomeagain,Iwarrantyou.
[ExitwithDaw.Cler.walksaside.
EnterDAUPHINEandHAUGHTY.
Hau.Iassureyou,sirDauphine,itisthepriceandestimationofyourvirtueonly,thathathembark'dmetothisadventure;andIcouldnotbutmakeouttotellyouso:norcanIrepentmeoftheact,sinceitisalwaysanargumentofsomevirtueinourselves,thatweloveandaffectitsoinothers.
Daup.Yourladyshipsetstoohighapriceonmyweakness.
Hau.Sir,Icandistinguishgemsfrompebbles—
Daup.Areyousoskilfulinstones?[Aside.
Hau.AndhowsoeverImaysufferinsuchajudgmentasyours,byadmittingequalityofrankorsocietywithCentaureorMavis—
Daup.Youdonot,madam;Iperceivetheyareyourmerefoils.
Hau.Then,areyouafriendtotruth,sir;itmakesmeloveyouthemore.Itisnottheoutward,buttheinwardmanthatIaffect.Theyarenotapprehensiveofaneminentperfection,butloveflatanddully.
Cen.[within.]Whereareyou,myladyHaughty?
Hau.1comepresently,Centaure.—Mychamber,sir,mypageshallshewyou;andTrusty,mywoman,shallbeeverawakeforyou:youneednotfeartocommunicateanythingwithher,forsheisaFidelia.Iprayyouwearthisjewelformysake,sirDauphine—
EnterCENTAURE.
Where'sMavis,Centaure?
Cen.Within,madam,awriting.I'llfollowyoupresently:[ExitHau.]I'llbutspeakawordwithsirDauphine.
Daup.Withme,madam?
Cen.GoodsirDauphine,donottrustHan<_rhty,normakeanycredittoherwhateveryoudobesides.SirDauphine,Igiveyouthiscaution,sheisaperfectcourtier,andlovesnobodybutforher
uses;andforherusesshelovesall.Besides,herphysiciansgiveherouttobenoneo'theclearest,whethershepaythemorno,heavenknows;andshe'sabovefiftytoo,andpargets!Seeherinaforenoon.HerecomesMavis,aworsefacethanshe!youwouldnotlikethisbycandle-light.
Re-enterMAVIS.
Ifyou'llcometomychamberoneo'thesemorningsearly,orlateinanevening,I'lltellyoumore.Where'sHaughty,Mavis?
Mav.Within,Centaure.
Cen.Whathaveyouthere?
Mav.AnItalianriddleforsirDauphine,—youshallnotseeit,i'faith,Centaure.—[ExitCen.]GoodsirDauphine,solveitforme:I'llcallforitanon.[Exit.
Cler.[comingforward.]Hownow,Dauphine!howdostthouquitthyselfofthesefemales?
Daup.'Slight,theyhauntmelikefames,andgivemejewelshere;Icannotberidofthem.
Cler.0,youmustnottellthough.
Daup.Mass,Iforgotthat:Iwasneversoassaulted.Onelovesforvirtue,andbribesmewiththis;[shewsthejewel.]—anotherlovesmewithcaution,andsowouldpossessme;athirdbringsmeariddlehere:andallarejealous,andraileachatother.
Cler.Ariddle!prayletmeseeit.[Reads.
SirDauphine,Ichosethiswayofintimationforprivacy.Theladieshere,Iknow,havebothhopeandpurposetomakeacollegiateandservantofyou.IfImightbesohonoured,astoappearatanyendofsonobleawork,Iwouldenterintoafameoftakingphysicto-morrow,
andcontinueitfourorfivedays,orlonger,foryourvisitation.MAVIS.
Bymyfaith,asubtleone!Callyouthisariddle?what'stheirplain-dealing,trow?
Daup.WelackTruewittotellusthat.
Cler.Welackhimforsomewhatelsetoo:hisknightsreformadoesarewoundupashighandinsolentasevertheywere.
Daup.Youjest.
Cler.Nodrunkards,eitherwithwineorvanity,everconfess'dsuchstoriesofthemselves.Iwouldnotgiveafly'sleginbalanceagainstallthewomen'sreputationshere,iftheycouldbebutthoughttospeaktruth:andforthebride,theyhavemadetheiraffidavitagainstherdirectly—
Daup.What,thattheyhavelainwithher?
Cler.Yes;andtelltimesandcircumstances,withthecausewhy,andtheplacewhere.Ihadalmostbroughtthemtoaffirmthattheyhaddoneitto-day.
Daup.Notbothofthem?
Cler.Yes,faith;withasoothortwomoreIhadeffectedit.Theywouldhavesetitdownundertheirhands.
Daup.Why,theywillbeoursport,Isee,still,whetherwewillorno.
EnterTRUEWIT.
True.0,areyouhere?Come,Dauphine;gocallyourunclepresently:Ihavefittedmydivineandmycanonist,dyedtheirbeardsandall.Theknavesdonotknowthemselves,theyaresoexaltedandaltered.Prefermentchangesanyman.ThoushallkeeponedoorandIanother,andthenClerimontinthemidst,thathemayhavenomeansofescapefromtheircavilling,whentheygrowhotonceagain.Andthenthewomen,asIhavegiventhebrideherinstructions,tobreakinuponhiminthe1'envoy.O,'twillbefullandtwanging!Away!fetchhim.[ExitDauphine.
EnterOTTERdisguisedasadivine,andCUTBEARDasacanon
lawyer.
Come,masterdoctor,andmasterparson,looktoyourpartsnow,anddischargethembravely;youarewellsetforth,performitaswell.Ifyouchancetobeout,donotconfessitwithstandingstill,orhumming,orgapingoneatanother;butgoon,andtalkaloudandeagerlv;usevehementaction,andonlyremembervourterms,
*/'«/*•
andyouaresafe.Letthemattergowhereitwill:youhavemanywilldoso.Butatfirstbeverysolemnandgrave,likeyourgarments,thoughyoulooseyourselvesafter,andskipoutlikeabraceofjugglersonatable.Herehecomes:setyourfaces,andlooksuperciliously,whileIpresentyou.
Re-enterDAUPHINEwithMOROSE.
Mor.Arethesethetwolearnedmen?
True.Yes,sir;pleaseyousalutethem.
Mor.Salutethem!Ihadratherdoanything,thanwearouttimesounfruitfully,sir.Iwonderhowthesecommonforms,asGodsaveyou,andYouarewelcome,arecometobeahabitinourlives:or,/amgladtoseeyouIwhenIcannotseewhattheprofitcanbeofthesewords,solongasitisnowhitbetterwithhimwhoseaffairsaresadandgrievous,thathehearsthissalutation.
True.'Tistrue,sir;we'llgotothematterthen.—Gentlemen,masterdoctor,andmasterparson,Ihaveacquaintedyousufficientlywiththebusinessforwhichyouarecomehither;andyouarenotnowtoinformyourselvesinthestateofthequestion,Iknow.Thisisthegentlemanwhoexpectsyourresolution,andtherefore,whenyouplease,begin.
(Ht.Pleaseyou,masterdoctor.
Cut.Pleaseyou,goodmasterparson.
Oil.Iwouldhearthecanon-lawspeakfirst.
Cut.Itmustgiveplacetopositivedivinity,sir.
Mor.Xay,goodgentlemen,donotthrowmeintocircumstances.l.i-tyourcomfortsarrivequicklyatme,thosethat.ire.Beswiftinaffordingmemypeace,ifsoIshallhopeany.Ilovenotyourdisputations,oryourcourt-tumults.Andthatitbenotstrangetoyou,Iwilltellyou:Myfather,inmyeducation,waswontto
adviseme,thatIshouldalwayscollectandcontainmymind,notsufferingittoflowloosely;thatIshouldlooktowhatthingswerenecessarytothecarriageofmylife,andwhatnot;embracingtheoneandeschewingtheother:inshort,thatIshouldendearmyselftorest,andavoidturmoil;whichnowisgrowntobeanothernaturetome.SothatIcomenottoyourpublicpleadings,oryourplacesofnoise;notthatIneglectthosethingsthatmakeforthedignityofthecommonwealth;butforthemereavoidingofclamoursandimpertinencesoforators,thatknownothowtobesilent.Andforthecauseofnoise,amInowasuitortoyou.YoudonotknowinwhatamiseryIhavebeenexercisedthisday,whatatorrentofevil!myveryhouseturnsroundwiththetumult!Idwellinawindmill:theperpetualmotionishere,andnotatEltham.
True.Well,goodmasterdoctor,willyoubreaktheice?masterparsonwillwadeafter.
Cut.Sir,thoughunworthy,andtheweaker,Iwillpresume.
Ott.:Tisnopresumption,dominedoctor.
Mor.Yetagain!
Cut.Yourquestionis,Forhowmanycausesamanmayhavedivortiumlegitimum,alawfuldivorce?First,youmustunderstandthenatureoftheword,divorce,adivertendo—
Mor.Noexcursionsuponwords,gooddoctor;tothequestionbriefly.
Cut.Ianswerthen,thecanonlawaffordsdivorcebutinfewcases;andtheprincipalisinthecommoncase,theadulterouscase:Butthereareduodecimimpedimenta,twelveimpediments,aswecallthem,allwhichdonotdirimerecontractum,butirritumredder?matrimonium,aswesayinthecanonlaw,nottakeawaythebond,butcauseanullitytherein.
Mor.Iunderstoodyoubefore:goodsir,avoidyourimpertinencyoftranslation.
Ott.Hecannotopenthistoomuch,sir,byyourfavour.
Mor.Yetmore!
True.0,youmustgivethelearnedmenleave,sir.—Toyourimpediments,masterdoctor.
Cut.Thefirstisimpedimentumerroris.
Ott.Ofwhichthereareseveralspecies.
Cut.Ay,aserrorpersonce.
Ott.Ifyoucontractyourselftooneperson,thinkingheranother.
Cut.Then,errorfortunes.
Ott.Ifshebeabeggar,andyouthoughtherrich.
Cut.Then,errorqualitatis.
Ott.Ifsheprovestubbornorhead-strong,thatyouthoughtobedient.
Mor.How!isthat,sir,alawfulimpediment?Oneatonce,1prayyou,gentlemen.
Ott.Ay,antecopulam,butnotpostcopulam,sir.
Cut.Masterparsonsaysright.Xecpostnupiiarumbenedictionem.
Itdothindeedbutirritaredderesponsalia,annulthecontract;aftermarriageitisofnoobstancy.
True.Alas,sir,whatahopearewefallenfrombythistime!
Cut.Thenextisconditio:ifyouthoughtherfreeborn,andsheproveabond-woman,thereisimpedimentofestateandcondition.
Ott.Ay,but,masterdoctor,thoseservitudesaresublatcenow,amongusChristians.
Cut.Byyourfavour,masterparson—
Ott.Youshallgivemeleave,masterdoctor.
Mor.Nay,gentlemen,quarrelnotinthatquestion;itconcernsnotmycase:passtothethird.
Cut.Wellthen,thethirdisvotum:ifeitherpartyhavemadeavowofchastity.Butthatpractice,asmasterparsonsaidoftheother,istakenawayamongus,thanksbetodiscipline.Thefourthiscognatio;ifthepersonsbeofkinwithinthedegrees.
Ott.Ay:doyouknowwhatthedegreesare,sir?
Mor.Xo,norIcarenot,sir;theyoffermenocomfortinthequestion,Iamsure.
Cut.Butthereisabranchofthisimpedimentmay,whichiscognatiospiritualis:ifyouwerehergodfather,sir,thenthemarriageisincestuous.
Ott.Thatcommentisabsurdandsuperstitious,masterdoctor:Icannotendureit.Arewenotallbrothersandsisters,andasmuchakininthat,asgodfathersandgod-daughters?
Mor.0me!toendthecontroversy,Ineverwasagodfather,Ineverwasagodfatherinmylife,sir.Passtothenext.
Cut.Thefifthiscrimenadulterii;theknowncase.Thesixth,cu1tu£disparitas,differenceofreligion:Haveyoueverexaminedher,whatreligionsheisof?
Mor.Xo,Iwouldrathershewereofnone,thanbeputtothetroubleofit.
Ott.Youmayhaveitdoneforyou,sir.
M'.>r.Bynomeans,goodsir;ontotherest:shallyouevercometoanend,thinkyou?
True.Yes,hehasdonehalf,sir.Ontotherest.—Bepatient,andexpect,sir.
Cut.Theseventhis,vis:ifitwereuponcompulsionorforce.
Mor.0no,itwastoovoluntary,mine:toovoluntary.
Vf&
Cut.Theeighthis,ordo;ifevershehavetakenholyorders.
Ott.That'ssuperstitioustoo.
Mor.Xomatter,masterparson;Wouldshewouldgointoanunneryyet.
Cut.Theninthis,ligamen;ifyouwerebound,sir,toanyotherbefore.
Mor.Ithrustmyselftoosoonintothesefetters.
Cut.Thetenthis,jmltlicahonestas;whichisinrJmataa/jinitas.
Ott.Ay,oraffinitasortaexsponsalibus;andisbutleve.mentum.
Mor.Ifeelnoairofcomfortblowingtome,inallthis.
Cut.Theeleventhis,affinitasexfornicatione.
Ott.Whichisnolessveraaffinitas,thantheother,masterdoctor.
Cut.True,quceoriturexlegitimomatrimonio.
Ott.Yousayright,venerabledoctor:and,nasciturexeo,quodperconjugiumducepersonceefficiunturunacaro—
True.Hey-day,nowtheybegin!
Cut.Iconceiveyou,masterparson:itaperfornicationemcequeestveruspater,quisicgeneral—
Ott.Etverefilmsquisicgeneratur—•
Mor.What'sallthistome?
Cler.Nowitgrowswarm.
Cut.Thetwelfthandlastis,sifortecoirenequibis.
Ott.Ay,thatisimpedimenturngravissimum:itdothutterlyannul,andannihilate,that.Ifyouhavemanifestamfrigiditatem,youarewell,sir.
True.Why,thereiscomfortcomeatlength,sir.Confessyourselfbutamanunable,andshewillsuetobedivorcedfirst.
Ott.Ay,oriftherebemorbusperpetuus,etinsanabilis;asparalysis,elephantiasis,orso—
Daup.O,butfrigiditasisthefairerway,gentlemen.
Ott.Yousaytroth,sir,andasitisinthecanon,masterdoctor—
Cut.Iconceiveyou,sir.
Cler.Beforehespeaks[
Ott.Thataboy,orchild,underyears,isnotfitformarriage,becausehecannotredderedebitum.Soyouromnipotentes—
True.Yourimpotentes,youwhoresonlobster![AsidetoOtt.
Ott.Yourimpotentes,Ishouldsay,areminimeaptiadcontra-hendamatrimonium.
True.Matrimonium!weshallhavemostunmatrimonialLatinwithyou:matrimonia,andbehang'd.
Daup.Youputthemout,man.
Cut.Butthentherewillariseadoubt,masterparson,inourcase,postmatrimonium:thatfrigiditateprceditus—doyouconceiveme,sir?
Ott.Verywell,sir.
Cut.Whocannotutiuxoreprouxore,mayhabereearnprosorore.
Ott.Absurd,absurd,absurd,andmerelyapostatical!
Cut.Youshallpardonme,masterparson,Icanproveit.
Ott.Youcanproveawill,masterdoctor;youcanprovenothingelse.Doesnottheverseofyourowncanonsay,
Hcecsociandavetantconnubia,faciaretractant?
Cut.Igrantyou;buthowdotheyretractare,masterparson?Mor.O,thiswasitIfeared.Ott.Inceternum,sir.
Cut.That'sfalseindivinity,byyourfavour.Ott.'Tisfalseinhumanitytosayso.Ishenotprorsusinutilisadthorum?Canheprazstarefidemdatam?Iwouldfainknow.
Cut.Yes;howifhedoconralere?Utt.Hecannotconvahre,itisimpossible.
True.Nay,goodsir,attendthelearnedmen;they'llthinkyouneglectthemelse.
Cut.Or,ifhedosimularehimselffrigidum,odiouxoris,orso?
Ott.Isay,heisadultermanifest-asthen.
Daup.Theydisputeitverylearnedly,i'faith.
Ott.Andprostitutoruxoris;andthisispositive.
Mor.Goodsir,letmeescape.
True.Youwillnotdomethatwrong,sir?
Ott.And,therefore,ifhebemanifestefrigidus,sir—
Cut.Ay,ifhebemanifestefrigidus,Igrantyou—
Ott.Why,thatwasmyconclusion.
Cut.Andminetoo.
True.Nay,heartheconclusion,sir.
Ott.Then,frigiditatiscausa—
Cut.Yes,causafrigiditatis—
Mor.O,mineears!
Ott.Shemayhavelibellumdivortiiagninstyou.
Cut.Ay,divortiilibellumshewillsurehave.
Mor.Goodechoes,forbear.
Ott.Ifyouconfessit.—
Cut.WhichIwoulddo,sir—
Mor.Iwilldoanything.
Ott.Andclearmyselfinfor-oconscientice—
Cut.Becauseyouwantindeed—
Mor.Yetmore!
Ott.Exercendipotestate.
EPICCENErushesin,followedbyHAUGHTY,CENTAURE,MAVIS,MistressOTTER,DAW,andLA-FOOLE.
Epi.Iwillnotendureitanylonger.Ladies,Ibeseechyou,helpme.Thisissuchawrongasneverwasofferedtopoorbridebefore:uponhermarriage-daytohaveherhusbandconspireagainsther,andacoupleofmercenarycompanionstobebroughtinforform'ssake,topersuadeaseparation!Ifyouhadbloodorvirtueinyou,gentlemen,youwouldnotsuffersuchearwigsaboutahusband,orscorpionstocreepbetweenmanandwife.
Mor.0thevarietyandchangesofmytorment!
Hau.Letthembecudgell'doutofdoorsbyourgrooms.
Cen.I'lllendyoumyfootman.
Mav.We'llhaveourmenblankettheminthehall.
Mrs.Ott.Astherewasoneatourhouse,madam,forpeepinginatthedoor.
Daw.Content,i'faith.
True.Stay,ladiesandgentlemen;you'llhearbeforeyouproceed'.'
Mav.I'dhavethebridegroomblankettedtoo.
Cen.Beginwithhimfirst.
Hau.Yes,bymytroth.
Mor.0mankindgeneration!
Daup.Ladies,formysakeforbear.
Hau.Yes,forsirDauphine'ssake.
Cen.Heshallcommandus.
La-F.Heisasfineagentlemanofhisinches,madam,asanyisaboutthetown,andwearsasgoodcolourswhenhelists.
True.Bebrief,sir,andconfessyourinfirmity;she'llbea-firetobequitofyou,ifshebuthearthatnamedonce,youshallnotentreathertostay:she'llflyyoulikeonethathadthemarksuponhim.
Mor.Ladies,Imustcraveallyourpardons—
True.Silence,ladies.
Mor.ForawrongIhavedonetoyourwholesex,inmarryingthisfairandvirtuousgentlewoman—
Cler.Hearhim,goodladies.
Mor.Beingguiltyofaninfirmity,which,beforeIconferredwiththeselearnedmen,IthoughtImighthaveconcealed—
True.Butnowbeingbetterinformedinhisconsciencebythem,heistodeclareit,andgivesatisfaction,byaskingyourpublicforgiveness.
Mor.Iamnoman,ladies.
All.How!
Mor.Utterlyunabledinnature,byreasonoffrigidity,toperformtheduties,oranytheleastofficeofahusband.
Mav.Nowoutuponhim,prodigiouscreature!
Cen.Bridegroomuncarnate!
Hau.Andwouldyouofferittoayounggentlewoman?
Mrs.Ott.Aladyofherlongings?
Epi.Tut,adevice,adevice,this!itsmellsrankly,ladies.Amerecommentofhisown.
True.Why,ifyoususpectthat,ladies,youmayhavehimsearch'd—
Daw.Asthecustomis,byajuryofphysicians.
La-F.Yes,faith,'twillbebrave.
Mor.0me,mustIundergothat?
Mrs.Ott.No,letwomensearchhim,madam;wecandoitourselves.
Mor.Outonme!worse.
Epi.No,ladies,youshallnotneed,I'lltakehimwithallhisfaults.
Mor.Worstofall!
Cler.Whythen,'tisnodivorce,doctor,ifsheconsentnot?
Cut.No,ifthemanbefrigidus,itisdeparteuxoris,thatwegrantlibellumdivortii,inthelaw.
Ott.Ay,itisthesameintheology.
Mor.Worse,worsethanworst!
True.Nay,sir,benotutterlydisheartened;wehaveyetasmallrelicofhopeleft,asnearasourcomfortisblownout.Clerimont,produceyourbraceofknights.Whatwasthat,masterparson,
youtoldmeinerrorequalitatis,e'ennow?—Dauphine,whisperthebride,thatshecarryitasifshewereguilty,andashamed.[Aside.
Ott.Marry,sir,inerrorequalitatis,(whichmasterdoctordidforbeartourge,)ifshebefoundcorrupta,thatis,vitiatedorbrokenup,thatwasprovirginedesponsa,espousedforamaid—
Mor.Whatthen,sir?
Ott.Itdothdirimerecontractum,andirritumredderetoo.
True.Ifthisbetrue,wearehappyagain,sir,oncemore.Hereareanhonourablebraceofknights,thatshallaffirmsomuch.
Daw.Pardonus,goodmasterClerimont.
La-F.Youshallexcuseus,masterClerimont.
Cler.Nay,youmustmakeitgoodnow,knights,thereisnoremedy;I'lleatnowordsforyou,nornomen:youknowyouspokeittome.
Daw.Isthisgentleman-like,sir?
True.JackDaw,he'sworsethansirAmorous;fierceragreatdeal.[AsidetoDaw.]—SirAmorous,beware,therebetenDawsinthisClerimont.[AsidetoLa-Foole.
La-F.I'llconfessit,sir.
Daw.Willyou,sirAmorous,willyouwoundreputation?
La-F.Iamresolved.
True.Soshouldyoubetoo,JackDaw:whatshouldkeepyouoff?she'sbutawoman,andindisgrace:he'llbegladon't.
Daw.Willhe?Ithoughthewouldhavebeenangry.
Cler.Youwilldispatch,knights;itmustbedone,i'faith.
True.Why,anitmust,itshall,sir,theysay:they'llne'ergoback.—Donottempthispatience.[Asidetothem.
Daw.Isittrueindeed,sir?
La-F.Yes,Iassureyou,sir.
Mor.Whatistrue,gentlemen?whatdoyouassureme?
Daw.Thatwehaveknownyourbride,sir—
La-F.Ingoodfashion.Shewasourmistress,orso—
Cler.Nay,youmustbeplain,knights,asyouweretome.
Ott.Ay,thequestionis,ifyouhavecarnaliter,orno?
La-F.Carnaliter/whatelse,sir?
Ott.Itisenough;aplainnullity.
Epi.Iamundone,Iamundone!
Mor.Oletmeworshipandadoreyou,gentlemen!
Epi.Iamundone.{Weeps.
Mor.Yes,tomyhand,Ithanktheseknights.Masterparson,letmethankyouotherwise.[Giveshimmoney.
Cen.Andhavetheyconfess'd?
Mav.Nowoutuponthem,informers!
True.Youseewhatcreaturesyoumaybestowyourfavourson,madams.
11(in.Iwouldexceptagainstthemasbeatenknights,wench,andnotgoodwitnessesinlaw.
Mrs.Ott.Poorgentlewoman,howshetakesit!
Hau.Becomforted,Morose,Iloveyouthebettorfor't.
Cen.SodoI,Iprotest.
Cut.But,gentlemen,youhavenotknownhersincematrimonium?
Daw.Notto-day,masterdoctor.
La-F.No,sir,notto-day.
Cut.Why,thenIsay,foranyactbefore,thematrimoniumisgoodandperfect;unlesstheworshipfulbridegroomdidprecisely,beforewitness,demand,ifshewerevirgoantenuptias.
Epi.No,thathedidnot,Iassureyou,masterdoctor.
Cut.Ifhecannotprovethat,itisratumconjugium,notwithstandingthepremisses;andtheydonowayimpedire.Andthisismysentence,thisIpronounce.
Ott.Iamofmasterdoctor'sresolutiontoo,sir;ifyoumadenotthatdemandantenuptias.
Mor.0myheart!wiltthoubreak?wiltthoubreak?thisisworstofallworstworststhathellcouldhavedevised!Marryawhore,andsomuchnoise!
Daup.Come,Iseenowplainconfederacyinthisdoctorandthisparson,toabuseagentleman.Youstudyhisaffliction.Ipraybegone,companions.—And,gentlemen,Ibegintosuspectyouforhavingpartswiththem.—Sir,willitpleaseyouhearme?
Mor.Odonottalktome;takenotfrommethepleasureofdyinginsilence,nephew.
Daup.Sir,Imustspeaktoyou.Ihavebeenlongyourpoordespisedkinsman,andmanyahardthoughthasstrengthenedyouagainstme:butnowitshallappearifeitherIloveyouoryourpeace,andpreferthemtoalltheworldbeside.Iwillnotbelongorgrievoustoyou,sir.IfIfreeyouofthisunhappymatchabsolutely,andinstantly,afterallthistrouble,andalmostinyourdespair,now—
Mor.Itcannotbe.
Daup.Sir,thatyoubenevertroubledwithamurmurofitmore,whatshallIhopefor,ordeserveofyou?
Mor.0,whatthouwilt,nephew!thoushaltdeserveme,andhaveme.
Daup.ShallIhaveyourfavourperfecttome,andlovehereafter?
Mor.That,andanythingbeside.Makethineownconditions.Mywholeestateisthine;manageit,Iwillbecomethyward.
Daup.Nay,sir,Iwillnotbesounreasonable.
Epi.WillsirDauphinebemineenemytoo?
Daup.YouknowIhavebeenlongasuitortoyou,uncle,thatoutofyourestate,whichisfifteenhundreda-year,youwouldallowmebutfivehundredduringlife,andassuretherestuponmeafter;towhichIhaveoften,bymyselfandfriends,tenderedyouawritingtosign,whichyouwouldneverconsentorinclineto.Ifyoupleasebuttoeffectitnow—
Mor.Thoushalthaveit,nephew:Iwilldoit,andmore.
Daup.IfIquityounotpresently,andforever,ofthiscumber,youshallhavepowerinstantly,aforeallthese,torevokeyouract,andIwillbecomewhoseslaveyouwillgivemeto,forever.
Mor.Whereisthewriting?Iwillsealtoit,that,ortoablank,andwritethineownconditions.
Epi.0me,mostunfortunate,wretchedgentlewoman!
Han.WillsirDauphinedothis?
Epi.Goodsir,havesomecompassiononme.
M'/r.O,mynephewknowsyou,belike:away,crocodile!
Cen.Hedoesitnotsurewithoutgoodground.
Danp.Here,sir.[Giveshimtheparchment*.
Mor.Come,nephew,givemethepen;Iwillsubscribetoanytiling,andsealtowhatthouwilt,formydeliverance.Thouartmyrestorer.Here,Ideliverittheeasmydeed.Iftherebeawordinitlacking,orwritwithfalseorthography,Iprotestbefore[heaven]Iwillnottaketheadvantage.[Returnsthewritings.
Daup.Thenhereisyourrelease,sir.[takesoffEpico?ne'sperukeandotherdisguises.]Youhavemarriedaboy,agentleman'sson,thatIhavebroughtupthishalfyearatmygreatcharges,andforthiscomposition,whichIhavenowmadewithyou.—Whatsayyou,masterdoctor?Thisisjustumimpedi-mentum,Ihope,errorpersonce?
Ott.Yes,sir,inprimogradu.
Cut.Inprimogradu.
Daup.Ithankyou,gooddoctorCutbeard,andparsonOtter.[pullstheirfalsebeardsandgownsoff.]Youarebeholdentothem.sir.thathavetakenthispainsforyou;andmyfriend,masterTruewit,whoenabledthemforthebusiness.Xowyoumaygoinandrest;beasprivateasyouwill,sir.[ExitMorose.]I'llnottroubleyou,tillyoutroublemewithyourfuneral,whichIcarenothowsoonitcome.—Cutbeard,I'llmakeyourleasegood.Thankmenot.butwithyourleg,Cutbeard.AndTomOtter,yourprincessshallbereconciledtoyou.—Hownow,gentlemen,doyoulookatme?
Cler.Aboy!
Daup.Yes,mistressEpico?ne.
True.Well,Dauphine,youhavelurch'dyourfriendsofthebetterhalfofthegarland,byconcealingthispartoftheplot:butmuchgooddoitthee,thoudeserv'stit,lad.And,Clerimont,forthyunexpectedbringingthesetwotoconfession,wearmypartofitfreely.Xay,sirDawandsirLa-Foole,youseethegentlewomanthathasdonevouthefavours!weareallthankfultoyou,and->
*•»
shouldthewoman-kindhere,speciallyforlyingonher.thoughnotwithher!youmeantso,Iamsure.Butthatwehavestuckituponyouto-day,inyourownimaginedpersons,andsolately,thisAmazon,thechampionofthesex,shouldbeatyounowthriftily,forthecommonslanderswhichladiesreceivefromsuchcuckasyouare.Youaretheythat,whennomeritorfortunecanmakeyouhopetoenjoytheirbodieswillyetliewiththeirreputatiandmaketheirfamesuffer.Away,youcommonmothsofthese,andallladle-'honours.Go,traveltomakeleersandfaces,andcomehomewithsomenewmattertobelau^h'dat;you.Ir-ervetoliveinanairascorruptedasthatwherewithyoufeedrumour.
[ExeuntDawandLa-Foole.]—Madams,youaremute,uponthisnewmetamorphosis!Butherestandsshethathasvindicatedyourfames.Takeheedofsuchinsectaehereafter.Andletitnottroubleyou,thatyouhavediscoveredanymysteriestothisyounggentleman:heisalmostofyears,andwillmakeagoodvisitantwithinthistwelvemonth.Inthemeantime,we'llallundertakeforhissecrecy,thatcanspeaksowellofhissilence.[Comingforward.]—Spectators,ifyoulikethiscomedy,risecheerfully,andnowMoroseisgonein,clapyourhands.Itmaybe,thatnoisewillcurehim,atleastpleasehim.[Exeunt.
EVERYMAXIXHISHUMOUR
TOTHEMOSTLEARNED.ANDMYHONOUREDFRIEND
MASTERCAMDEN
CLARENCIEVX
SIR,—Thereare,nodoubt,asuperciliousraceintheworld,whowillesteemalloffice,doneyouinthiskind,aninjury;sosolemnaviceitiswiththemtousetheauthorityoftheirignorance,tothecryingdownorPoetry,ortheprofessors:butmygratitudemustnotleaveto
correcttheirerror;sinceIamnoneofthosethatcansufferthebenefitsconferreduponmyyouthtoperishwithmyage.Itisafrailmemorythatremembersbutpresentthings:and,hadthefavourofthetimessoconspiredwithmydisposition,asitcouldhavebroughtforthother,orbetter.youhadhadthesameproportion,andnumberofthefruits,thefirst.NowIprayyoutoacceptthis;suchwhereinneithertheconfessionofmymannersshallmakeyoublush;norofmystudies,repentyoutohavebeentheinstructer:andfortheprofessionofmythankfulness,I:inasureitwill,withgoodmen,findeitherpraiseorexcuse.Yourtruelover,BE.VJOXSON.
DRAMATISPERSOX.E
KNOWELL,anoldGentleman.EDWAKPKNOWELL,hisSon.BRAINWORM,tht.sM-.tti.
OLIVERCOB,aWciter-bearer.JUSTICECLEMENT,anoldtn:-rryMaeistt
GEORGEDOWNRIGHT,aplainSquire.ROGERFORMAL,hisC
WELLBRED,hisHalf-Brother.
KITELY,aMerchant.pAMEKlTELYKITELY'SI'.-
LAPTAINBOBADIIL,aP.uusMan.MR,BRIDGIMASTERSTEPHEN,aCountryG:MASTERMATHEW..''':.-•T:THOMASCASH,KITELY'Sc\^
Wellbred'sServant
TIB,Cob's1Servants,etc.
SCENE,—LONDON
PROLOGUE.
Thoughneedmakemany/*>f/->\andAsartandnatureharenotbetter'dmuch;Yetoursforleanthathnot,*)lortdtht\A•«•hedarescreetheillcustom*oft/.
inirchaseyourdelightatsuchare.As.forit.hehimselfmu^t
rtMkeachildno.•i•-.idled,to/>••/.an.ithtn*!t'>->tup.inon>'l^ardaivt;.//'.-'r.withthreeru-'-
Andhelpofsomefewfootandhalf-footwords,FightoverYorkandLancaster'slongjars,Andinthetyring-housebringwoundstoscars.Heratherpraysyouwillbepleas'dtoseeOnesuchto-day,asotherplaysshouldbe;Whereneitherchorusivaftsyouo'ertheseas,Norcreakingthronecomesdowntheboystoplease;NornimblesquibisseentomakeafeardThegentlewomen;norrolTdbulletheardTosay,itthunders;nortempestuousdrumRumbles,totellyouwhenthestormdothcome;Butdeeds,andlanguage,suchasmendouse,Andpersons,suchascomedywouldchoose,Whenshewouldshewanimageofthetimes,Andsportwithhumanfollies,notwithcrimes.Exceptwemakethemsuch,bylovingstillOurpopularerrors,whenweknowthey'reill.1meansucherrorsasyou'llallconfess,Bylaughing
atthem,theydeservenoless:Whichwhenyouheartilydo,there'shopeleftthen,You,thathavesograc'dmonsters,maylikemen.
ACTI
SCENEI.—AStreet.EnterKNOWELL,atthedoorofhishouse.Know.Agoodlydaytoward,andafreshmorning.—Brainworm!
EnterBRAINWORM.
Callupyouryoungmaster:bidhimrise,sir.Tellhim,Ihavesomebusinesstoemployhim.
Brai.Iwill,sir,presently.
Know.Buthearyou,sirrah,
Ifhebeathisbook,disturbhimnot.
Brai.Verygood,sir.[Exit.
Know.HowhappyyetshouldIesteemmyself,CouldI,byanypractice,weantheboyFromonevaincourseofstudyheaffects.Heisascholar,ifamanmaytrustTheliberalvoiceoffameinherreport,OfgoodaccountinbothourUniversities,Eitherofwhichhathfavouredhimwithgraces:ButtheirindulgencemustnotspringinmeAfondopinionthathecannoterr.Myselfwasonceastudent,andindeed,Fedwiththeself-samehumourheisnow,Dreamingonnoughtbutidlepoetry,
EveryManinHisHumour561
Thatfruitlessandunprofitableart,
Gooduntonone,butleasttotheprofessors;
WhichthenIthoughtthemistressofallknowledge:
Butsince,timeandthetruthhavewakedmyjudgment,
Andreasontaughtmebettertodistinguish
Thevainfromtheusefullearnings.
EnterMasterSTEPHEN.
CousinStephen,Whatnewswithyou,thatyouareheresoearly?
Step.Nothing,bute'encometoseehowyoudo,uncle.
Know.That'skindlydone;youarewelcome,coz.
Step.Ay,Iknowthat,sir;Iwouldnothavecomeelse.HowdoesmycousinEdward,uncle?
Know.0,well,coz;goinandsee;Idoubthebescarcestirringyet.
Step.Uncle,aforeIgoin,canyoutellme,anhehavee'erabookofthescienceofhawkingandhunting;Iwouldfainborrowit.
Know.Why,Ihopeyouwillnotahawkingnow,willyou?
Step.No,wusse;butI'llpractiseagainstnextyear,uncle.Ihaveboughtmeahawk,andahood,andbells,andall;Ilacknothingbutabooktokeepitby.
Know.Oh,mostridiculous!
Step.Nay,lookyounow,youareangry,uncle:—Why,youknowanamanhavenotskillinthehawkingandhuntinglanguagesnow-a-days,I'llnotgivearushforhim:theyaremorestudiedthantheGreek,ortheLatin.Heisfornogallant'scompanywithoutthem;andbygadslidIscornit,I,soIdo,tobeaconsortforeveryhumdrum:hangthem,scroyles!there'snothinginthemi'theworld.Whatdoyoutalkonit?BecauseIdwellatHogsden,IshallkeepcompanywithnonebutthearchersofFinsbury,orthecitizensthatcomeaduckingtoIslingtonponds!Afinejest,i'faith!'Slid,agentlemanmunshewhimselflikeagentleman.Uncle,Iprayyoubenotangry;Iknowwhat1havetodo,Itrow,Iamnonovice.
Know.Youareaprodigal,absurdcoxcomb,goto!Nay,neverlookatme,'tisIthatspeak;Take'tasyouwill,sir,I'llnotflatteryou.HaveyounotyetfoundmeansenowtowasteThatwrhichyourfriendshaveleftyou,butyoumustGocastawayyourmoneyonabuzzard,Andknownothowtokeepit,whenyouhavedone?O,itiscomely!thiswillmakeyouagentleman!Well,cousin,well,Iseeyouaree'enpasthopeOfallreclaim:—ay,so;nowyouaretoldon't,Youlookanotherway.
S/ep.Whatwouldyouha'medo?
Knoiv.WhatwouldIhaveyoudo?I'lltellyou,kinsman;Learntobewise,andpractisehowtothrive;ThatwouldIhaveyoudo:andnottospend
Yourcoinoneverybaublethatyoufancy,
Oreveryfoolishbrainthathumoursyou.
Iwouldnothaveyoutoinvadeeachplace,
Northrustyourselfonallsocieties,
Tillmen'saffections,oryourowndesert,
Shouldworthilyinviteyoutoyourrank.
Hethatissorespectlessinhiscourses,
Oftsellshisreputationatcheapmarket.
NorwouldI,youshouldmeltawayyourself
Inflashingbravery,lest,whileyouaffect
Tomakeablazeofgentrytotheworld,
Alittlepuffofscornextinguishit;
Andyoubeleftlikeanunsavourysnuff,
Whosepropertyisonlytooffend.
I'dhaveyousober,andcontainyourself,
Notthatyoursailbebiggerthanyourboat;
Butmoderateyourexpensesnow,atfirst,
Asyoumaykeepthesameproportionstill:
Norstandsomuchonyourgentility,
Whichisanairyandmereborrow'dthing,
Fromdeadmen'sdustandbones;andnoneofyours,
Exceptyoumake,orholdit.
EnteraServant.
Whocomeshere?
Serv.Saveyou,gentlemen!
Step.Nay,wedonotstandmuchonourgentility,friend;yetyouarewelcome:andIassureyoumineunclehereisamanofathousandayear,Middlesexland.Hehasbutonesoninalltheworld,Iamhisnextheir,atthecommonlaw,masterStephen,assimpleasIstandhere,ifmycousindie,asthere'shopehewill:Ihaveaprettylivingo'mineowntoo,beside,hardbyhere.
Serv.Ingoodtime,sir.
Step.Ingoodtime,sir!why,andinverygoodtime,sir!Youdonotflout,friend,doyou?
Serv.NotI,sir.
Step.Notyou,sir!youwerebestnot,sir;anyoushould,herebethemcanperceiveit,andthatquicklytoo;goto:andtheycangiveitagainsoundlytoo,anneedbe.
Serv.Why,sir,letthissatisfyyou;goodfaith,Ihadnosuchintent.
Step.Sir,anIthoughtyouhad,Iwouldtalkwithyou,andthatpresently.
Serv.GoodmasterStephen,soyoumay,sir,atyourpleasure.
Step.AndsoIwould,sir,goodmysaucycompanion!anyouwereouto'mineuncle'sground,Icantellyou;thoughIdonotstanduponmygentilityneither,in't.
Know.Cousin,cousin,willthisne'erbeleft?
Step.Whoreson,basefellow!amechanicalserving-man!Bythiscudgel,an'twerenotforshame,Iwould—
Know.Whatwouldyoudo,youperemptorygull?Ifyoucannotbequiet,getyouhence.YouseethehonestmandemeanshimselfModestlytow'rdsyou,givingnoreplyToyourunseason'd,quarrelling,rudefashion;Andstillyouhuffit,withakindofcarriageAsvoidofwit,asofhumanity.Go,getyouin;'foreheaven,IamashamedThouhastakinsman'sinterestinme.[ExitMasterStephen.
Serv.Ipray,sir,isthismasterKnowell'shouse?
Know.Yes,marryisit,sir.
Serv.Ishouldinquireforagentlemanhere,onemasterEdwardKnowell;doyouknowanysuch,sir,Iprayyou?
Know.Ishouldforgetmyselfelse,sir.
Serv.Areyouthegentleman?cryyoumercy,sir:Iwasrequiredbyagentlemaninthecity,asIrodeoutatthisendo'thetown,todeliveryouthisletter,sir.
Know.Tome,sir!Whatdoyoumean?prayyourememberyourcourt'sy.[Reads.]Tohismostselectedfriend,masterEdwardKnowell.Whatmightthegentleman'snamebe,sir,thatsentit?Nay,prayyoubecovered.
Serv.OnemasterWellbred,sir.
Know.MasterWellbred!ayounggentleman,ishenot?
Serv.Thesame,sir;masterKitelymarriedhissister;therichmerchantintheOldJewry.
Know.Yousayverytrue.—Brainworm!
EnterBRAINWORM.
Brai.Sir.
Know.Makethishonestfrienddrinkhere:prayyou,goin.
[ExeuntBrainwormandServant.Thisletterisdirectedtomyson;YetIamEdwardKnowell
too,andmay,Withthesafeconscienceofgoodmanners,useThefellow'serrortomysatisfaction.Well,Iwillbreakitope(oldmenarecurious),Beitbutforthestyle'ssakeandthephrase;Toseeifbothdoanswermyson'spraises,WhoisalmostgrowntheidolaterOfthisyoungWellbred.Whathavewehere?What'sthis?
[Reads]Why,Ned,Ibeseechthce,hastthouforswornallthyfriendsintheOldJewry?ordostthouthinkusallJewsthatinhabitthere?yet,ifthoudost,comeover,andbutseeourfrippery;changeanoldshirtforawholesmockwithus:donotconceivethatantipathybetweenusandHogsden,aswasbetweenJewsandhogs-flesh.Leavethyvigilantfatheralone,tonumberoverhisgreenapricots,eveningandmorning,onthenorth-westwall:anIhadbeenhisson,Ihadsavedhimthelabourlongsince,iftakinginalltheyoungwenchesthatpassbyatthebackdoor,andcodlingeverykernelofthefruitforthem,wouldhaveserved.But,pr'ythee,comeovertomequicklythismorning;Ihavesuchapresentforthee!—ourTurkeycompanyneversenttheliketotheGrand
Signior.Oneisarhymer,sir,ofyourownbatch,yourownleaven;butdoththinkhimselfpoet-majorofthetown,willingtobeshewn,andworthytobeseen.Theother—Iwillnotventurehisdescriptionwithyou,tillyoucome,becauseIwouldhaveyoumakehitherwithanappetite.Iftheworstof'embenotworthyourjourney,drawyourbillofcharges,asunconscionableasanyGuildhallverdictwillgiveityou,andyoushallbeallowedyourviaticum.FromtheWindmill.
FromtheBordelloitmightcomeaswell,
TheSpittle,orPict-hatch.Isthistheman
Mysonhathsungso,forthehappiestwit,
Thechoicestbrain,thetimeshavesentusforth!
Iknownotwhathemaybeinthearts,
Norwhatinschools;but,surely,forhismanners,
Ijudgehimaprofaneanddissolutewretch;
Worsebypossessionofsuchgreatgoodgifts,
Beingthemasterofsolooseaspirit.
Why,whatunhallowedruffianwouldhavewrit
Insuchascurrilousmannertoafriend!
WhyshouldhethinkItellmyapricots,
OrplaytheHesperiandragonwithmyfruit,
Towatchit?Well,myson,Ihadthoughtyou
Hadhadmorejudgmenttohavemadeelection
Ofyourcompanions,thant'haveta'enontrust
Suchpetulant,jeeringgamesters,thatcanspare
Noargumentorsubjectfromtheirjest.
ButIperceiveaffectionmakesafool
Ofanymantoomuchthefather.—Brainworm!
EnterBRAINWORM.
Brai.Sir.
Know.Isthefellowgonethatbroughtthisletter?
Brai.Yes,sir,aprettywhilesince.
Know.Andwhereisyouryoungmaster?
Brai.Inhischamber,sir.
Know.Hespakenotwiththefellow,didhe?
Brai.No,sir,hesawhimnot.
Know.Takeyouthisletter,anddeliveritmyson;butwithnonoticethatIhaveopenedit,onyourlife.
Brai.OLord,sir!thatwereajestindeed.[Exit.
Know.IamresolvedIwillnotstophisjourney,NorpractiseanyviolentmeanstostayTheunbridledcourseofyouthinhim;forthatRestrain'd,growsmoreimpatient;andinkindLiketotheeager,butthegenerousgreyhound,Whone'ersolittlefromhisgamewithheld,Turnshead,andleapsupathisholder'sthroat.Thereisawayofwinningmorebylove,Andurgingofthemodesty,thanfear:Forceworksonservilenatures,notthefree.Hethat'scompell'dtogoodness,maybegood,
But'tisbutforthatfit;whereothers,drawn
Bysoftnessandexample,getahabit.
Then,iftheystray,butwarnthem,andthesame
Theyshouldforvirtuehavedone,they'lldoforshame.[Exit.
SCENEII.—ARoominKNOWELL'SHouse.
EnterE.KNDWELL,withaletterinhisliand,followedby
BRAINWORM.
E.Know.Didheopenit,say'stthou?
Brai.Yes,o'myword,sir,andreadthecontents.
E.Know.Thatscarcecontentsme.Whatcountenance,prithee,madeheinthereadingofit?washeangry,orpleased?
Brai.Nay,sir,Isawhimnotreadit,noropenit,Iassureyourworship.
E.Know.No!howknow'stthouthenthathedideither?
Brai.Marry,sir,becausehechargedme,onmylife,totellnobodythatheopen'dit;which,unlesshehaddone,hewouldneverfeartohaveitrevealed.
E.Know.That'strue:well,Ithankthee,Brainworm.
EnterSTEPHEN.
Step.O,Brainworm,didstthounotseeafellowhereinwhat-sha-call-himdoublet?hebroughtmineunclealettere'ennow.
Brai.Yes,masterStephen;whatofhim?
Step.O,Ihavesuchamindtobeathimwhereishe,canst
thoutell?
Brai.Faith,heisnotofthatmind:heisgone,masterStephen.
Step.Gone!whichway?whenwenthe?howlongsince?
Brai.Heisridhence;hetookhorseatthestreet-door.
Step.AndIstaidinthefields!Whoresonscanderbagrogue!OthatIhadbutahorsetofetchhimbackagain!
Brai.WThy,youmayhavemymaster'sgelding,tosaveyourlonging,sir.
Step.ButIhavenoboots,that'sthespiteon't.
Brai.Why,afinewispofhay,roll'dhard,masterStephen.
Step.No,faith,it'snoboottofollowhimnow:lethime'engoandhang.Prithee,helptotrussmealittle:hedoessovexme—
Brai.You'llbeworsevexedwhenyouaretrussed,masterStephen.Bestkeepunbraced,and
walkyourselftillyoubecold;yourcholermayfounderyouelse.
Step.Bymyfaith,andsoIwill,nowthoutell'stmeon't:howdostthoulikemyleg,Brainworm?
Brai.Averygoodleg,masterStephen;butthewoollenstockingdoesnotcommenditsowell.
Step.Foh!thestockingsbegoodenough,nowsummeriscomingon,forthedust:I'llhaveapairofsilkagainstwinter,thatIgotodwellinthetown.Ithinkmylegwouldshewinasilkhose—
Brai.Believeme,masterStephen,rarelywell.
Step.Insadness,Ithinkitwould:Ihaveareasonablegoodleg.Brai.Youhaveanexcellentgoodleg,masterStephen;butIcannotstaytopraiseitlongernow,andIamverysorryforit.[Exit.
Step.Anothertimewillserve,Brainworm.Gramercyforthis.
E.Know.Ha,ha,ha!
Step.'Slid,Ihopehelaughsnotatme;anhedo—
E.Know.Herewasaletterindeed,tobeinterceptedbyaman'sfather,anddohimgoodwithhim!Hecannotbutthinkmostvirtuously,bothofme,andthesender,sure,thatmakethecarefulcostermongerofhiminourfamiliarepistles.Well,ifhereadthiswithpatienceI'llbegelt,andtrollballadsformasterJohnTrundleyonder,therestofmymortality.Itistrue,andlikely,myfathermayhaveasmuchpatienceasanotherman,forhetakesmuchphysic;andofttakingphysicmakesamanverypatient.Butwouldyourpacket,masterWellbred,hadarrivedathiminsuchaminuteofhispatience!thenwehadknowntheendofit,which
nowisdoubtful,andthreatens[SeesMasterStephen.]What,my
wisecousin!nay,thenI'llfurnishourfeastwithonegullmoretowardthemess.Hewritestomeofabrace,andhere'sone,that'sthree:oh,forafourth,Fortune,ifeverthou'ltusethineeyes,Ientreatthee—
Step.Oh,nowIseewhohelaughedat:helaughedatsomebodyinthatletter.Bythisgoodlight,anhehadlaughedatme—
E.Know.Hownow,cousinStephen,melancholy?
Step.Yes,alittle:Ithoughtyouhadlaughedatme,cousin.
E.Know.Why,whatanIhad,coz?whatwouldyouhavedone?
Step.Bythislight,Iwouldhavetoldmineuncle.
E.Know.Nay,ifyouwouldhavetoldyouruncle,Ididlaughatyou,coz.
Step.Didyou,indeed?
E.Know.Yes,indeed.
Step.Whythen—
E.Know.Whatthen?
Step.Iamsatisfied;itissufficient.
E.Know.Why,beso,gentlecoz:and,Iprayyou,letmeentreatacourtesyofyou.IamsentforthismorningbyafriendintheOldJewry,tocometohim;itisbutcrossingoverthefieldstoMoorgate:Willyoubearmecompany?Iprotestitisnottodrawyouintobondoranyplotagainstthestate,coz.
Step.Sir,that'salloneanitwere;youshallcommandmetwicesofarasMoorgate,todoyougoodinsuchamatter.DoyouthinkIwouldleaveyou?Iprotest—
E.Know.No,no,youshallnotprotest,coz.
Step.Bymyfackings,butIwill,byyourleave:—I'llprotestmoretomyfriend,thanI'llspeakofatthistime.
E.Know.Youspeakverywell,coz.
Step.Nay,notsoneither,youshallpardonme:butIspeaktoservemyturn.
E.Know.Yourturn,coz!doyouknowwhatyousay?A
gentlemanofyoursorts,parts,carriage,andestimation,totalkofyourturninthiscompany,andtomealone,likeatankard-bearerataconduit!fie!Awightthat,hitherto,hiseverystephathleftthestampofagreatfootbehindhim,aseverywordthesavourofastrongspirit,andhe!thisman!sograced,gilded,or,touseamorefitmetaphor,sotinfoiledbynature,asnottenhousewives'pewter,againagoodtime,shewsmorebrighttotheworldthanhe!andhe!(asIsaidlast,soIsayagain,andstillshallsayit)thisman!toconcealsuchrealornamentsasthese,andshadowtheirglory,asamilliner'swifedoesherwroughtstomacher,withasmoakylawn,orablackCyprus!O,coz!itcannotbeanswered;gonotaboutit:Drake'soldshipatDeptfordmaysoonercircletheworldagain.Come,wrongnotthequalityofyourdesert,withlookingdownward,coz;butholdupyourhead,so:andlettheideaofwhatyouarebeportrayedinyourface,thatmenmayreadinyourphysnomy,herewithinthisplaceistobeseenthetrue,rare,andaccomplishedmonster,ormiracleofnature,whichisallone.Whatthinkyouofthis,coz?
Step.Why,Idothinkofit:andIwillbemoreproud,andmelancholy,andgentlemanlike,thanIhavebeen,I'llinsureyou.
E.Know.Why,that'sresolute,masterStephen!—Now,ifIcanbutholdhimuptohisheight,asitishappilybegun,itwilldowellforasuburbhumour:wemayhaphaveamatchwiththecity,andplayhimforfortypound.—Come,coz.
Step.I'llfollowyou.
E.Know.Followme!youmustgobefore.
Step.Nay,anImust,Iwill.Prayyoushewme,goodcousin.
[Exeunt.
SCENEIII.—TheLanebeforeCOB'SHouse.EnterMasterMATHEW.
Mat.Ithinkthisbethehouse:whatho!
EnterCOB.
Cob.Who'sthere?0,masterMathew!giveyourworshipgoodmorrow.
Mat.What,Cob!howdostthou,goodCob?dostthouinhabithere,Cob?
Cob.Ay,sir,Iandmylineagehavekeptapoorhousehere,inourdays.
Mat.Thylineage,monsieurCob!whatlineage,whatlineage?
Cob.Why,sir,anancientlineage,andaprincely.Mineance'trycamefromaking'sbelly,noworseman;andyetnomaneither,byyourworship'sleave,Ididlieinthat,butherring,thekingoffish(fromhisbellyIproceed),oneofthemonarchsoftheworld,Iassureyou.ThefirstredherringthatwasbroiledinAdamandlove'skitchen,doIfetchmypedigreefrom,bytheharrot'sbook.Hiscol)wasmygreat,great,mightygreatgrandfather.
Mat.Whymighty,whymighty,Ipraythee?
Cob.0,itwasamightywhileago,sir,andamightygreatcob.
Mat.Howknow'stthouthat?
Cob.HowknowI!why,Ismellhisghosteverandanon.
Mat.Smellaghost!0unsavouryjest!andtheghostofaherringcob?
Cob.Ay,sir:Withfavourofyourworship'snose,masterMathew,whynottheghostofaherringcob,aswellastheghostofRasherBacon?
Mat.RogerBacon,thouwould'stsay.
Cob.IsayRasherBacon.Theywerebothbroiledonthecoals;andamanmaysmellbroiledmeat,Ihope!youareascholar,upsolvemethatnow.
Mat.Orawignorance!—Cob,canstthoushewmeofagentleman,onecaptainBobadill,wherehislodgingis?
Cob.0,myguest,sir,youmean.
Mat.Thyguest!alas,ha,ha,ha!
Cob.Whydoyoulaugh,sir?doyounotmeancaptainBobadill?
Mat.Cob,praytheeadvisethyselfwell;donotwrongthegentleman,andthyselftoo.Idarebesworn,hescornsthyhouse;he!helodgeinsuchabaseobscureplaceasthyhouse!Tut,Iknowhisdispositionsowell,hewouldnotlieinthybedifthou'dstgiveithim.
Cob.Iwillnotgiveithimthough,sir.Mass,Ithoughtsomewhatwasinit,wecouldnotgethimtobedallnight:Well,sir,thoughhelienotonmybed,heliesonmybench:an'tpleaseyoutogoup,sir,youshallfindhimwithtwocushionsunderhishead,andhiscloakwrappedabouthim,asthoughhehadneitherwonnorlost,andyet,Iwarrant,hene'ercastbetterinhislife,thanhehasdoneto-night.
c?
Mat.Why,washedrunk?
Cob.Drunk,sir!youhearnotmesayso:perhapsheswallowedatavern-token,orsomesuchdevice,sir,Ihavenothingtodowithal.Idealwithwaterandnotwithwine—Givememytankardthere,ho!—Godbewi'you,sir.It'ssixo'clock:Ishouldhavecarriedtwoturnsbythis.Whatho!mystopple!come.
EnterTIBwithawater-tankard.
Mat.Lieinawater-bearer'shouse!agentlemanofhishavings!Well,I'lltellhimmymind.
Cob.What,Tib;shewthisgentlemanuptothecaptain.[ExitTibwithMasterMathew.]Oh,anmyhouseweretheBrazen-headnow!faithitwoulde'enspeakMoefoohyet.YoushouldhavesomenowwouldtakethismasterMathewtobeagentleman,attheleast.Hisfather'sanhonestman,aworshipfulfishmonger,andsoforth;andnowdoeshecreepandwrigsleintoacquaintancewithallthebravegallantsaboutthetown,suchasmyguestis(0,myguestisafineman!),andtheyflouthiminvincibly.Heusetheverydaytoamerchant'shousewhereIservewater,onemasterKitely's,intheOldJewry;andhere'sthejest,heisinlovewith
mymaster'ssister,Mrs.Bridget,andcallshermistress;andtherehewillsityouawholeafternoonsometimes,readingofthesesameabominable,vile(apoxon'em!Icannotabidethem),rascallyverses,poetrie,poetrie,andspeakingofinterludes;'twillmakeamanbursttohearhim.Andthewenches,theydosojeer,andti-heathim—Well,shouldtheydosomuchtome,I'dforswearthemall,bythefootofPharaoh!There'sanoath!Howmanywater-bearersshallyouhearswearsuchanoath?0,Ihaveaguest—heteachesme—hedoesswearthelegiblestofanymanchristened:BySt.George!thefootofPharaohJthebodyofme!as1amagentlemanandasoldier!suchdaintyoaths!andwithalhedoestakethissamefilthyroguishtobacco,thefinestandcleanliest!itwoulddoamangoodtoseethefumescomeforthat'stonnels.—Well,heowesmefortyshillings,mywifelenthimoutofherpurse,bysixpenceatatime,besideshislodging:IwouldIhadit!Ishallhaveit,hesays,thenextaction.Helterskelter,hangsorrow,care'11killacat,up-tailsall,andalouseforthehangman.
[Exit.
SCEXEIV.—ARoominCOB'SHouse.BOBADILLdiscovered
lyingonabench.
Bob.Hostess,hostess!
EnterTIB.
Tib.Whatsayyou,sir?
Bob.Acupofthysmallbeer,sweethostess.
Tib.Sir,there'sagentlemanbelowwouldspeakwithyou.
Bob.Agentleman!'odso,Iamnotwithin.
Tib.Myhusbandtoldhimyouwere,sir.
Bob.Whataplague—whatmeanthe?
Mat.[below.']CaptainBobadill!
.606.Who'sthere!—Takeawaythebason,goodhostess;—Comeup,sir.
Tib.Hewoulddesireyoutocomeup,sir.Youcomeintoacleanlyhouse,here!
EnterMATHEW.
Mat.Saveyou,sir;saveyou,captain!
Bob.GentlemasterMathew!Isityou,sir?pleaseyoutositdown.
Mat.Thankyou,goodcaptain;youmayseeIamsomewhataudacious.
Bob.Notso,sir.Iwasrequestedtosupperlastnii'htl»yasort<>firallants,whereyouwerewishedfor,anddrunkto,1assureyou.
Mat.Vouchsafeme,bywhom,goodcaptain?
Boh..Marry,byyoungWi-llbmJ,andutlu-rs..—Why,hostess,aBtoolhereforthisgentleman.
Mat.Nohaste,sir,'tisverywell.
Bob.Bodyo'me!itwassolateerewepartedlastnight,Icanscarceopenmyeyesyet;Iwasbutnewrisen,asyoucame;howpassesthedayabroad,sir?youcantell.
Mat.Faith,somehalfhourtoseven;Now,trustme,youhaveanexceedingfinelodginghere,veryneat,andprivate.
Bob.Ay,sir:sitdown,Iprayyou.MasterMathew,inanycasepossessnogentlemenofouracquaintancewithnoticeofmylodging.
Mat.Who?I,sir;no.
Bob.NotthatIneedtocarewhoknowit,forthecabinisconvenient;butinregardIwouldnotbetoopopular,andgenerallyvisited,assomeare.
Mat.True,captain,Iconceiveyou.
Bob.For,doyousee,sir,bytheheartofvalourinme,exceptitbetosomepeculiarandchoicespirits,towhomIamextraordinarilyengaged,asyourself,orso,Icouldnotextendthusfar.
Mat.OLord,sir!Iresolveso.
Bob.IconfessIloveacleanlyandquietprivacy,aboveallthetumultandroaroffortune.Whatnewbookhaveyouthere?What!Goby,Hieronymo?
Mat.Ay:didyoueverseeitacted?Is'tnotwellpenned?
Bob.Wellpenned!Iwouldfainseeallthepoetsofthesetimespensuchanotherplayasthatwas:they'llprateandswagger,andkeepastirofartanddevices,when,asIamagentleman,read'em,theyarethemostshallow,pitiful,barrenfellows,thatliveuponthefaceoftheearthagain.
[WhileMasterMathewreads,Bobadillmakeshimselfready.
Mat.Indeedhereareanumberoffinespeechesinthisbook.0eyes,noeyes,butfountainsfraughtwithtears!there'saconceit!fountainsfraughtwithtears!0life,nolife,butlivelyformofdeath!another.0world,noworld,butmassofpublicwrongs!athird.ConfusedandfilVdwithmurderandmisdeeds!afourth.O,themuses!Is'tnotexcellent?Is'tnotsimplythebestthateveryouheard,captain?Ha!howdoyoulikeit?
Bob.Tisgood.
Mat.Tothee,thepurestobjecttomysense,
Themostrefinedessenceheavencovers,SendItheselines,whereinIdocommence
Thehappystateofturtle-billinglovers.Iftheyproverough,unpolished,harsh,andrude,Hastemadethewaste:thusmildlyIconclude.
Bob.Nay,proceed,proceed.Where'sthis?
Mat.This,sir!atoyofmineown,inmynon-age;theinfancyofmymuses.Butwhenwillyoucomeandseemystudy?goodfaith,IcanshewyousomeverygoodthingsIhavedoneoflate.—Thatbootbecomesyourlegpassingwell,captain,methinks.
Bob.So,so;it'sthefashiongentlemennowuse.
Mat.Troth,captain,andnowyouspeakofthefashion,masterWellbred'selderbrotherandIarefallenoutexceedingly:This
otherday,Ihappenedtoenterintosomediscourseofahanger,which,Iassureyou,bothforfashionandworkmanship,wasmostperemptorybeautifulandgentlemanlike:yethecondemned,andcrieditdownforthemostpiedandridiculousthateverhesaw.
Bob.SquireDownright,thehalf-brother,was'tnot?
Mat.Ay,sir,he.
Bob.Hanghim,rook!he!whyhehasnomorejudgmentthanamalt-horse:BySt.George,Iwonderyou'dloseathoughtuponsuchananimal;themostperemptoryabsurdclownofChristendom,thisday,heisholden.Iprotesttoyou,asIamagentlemanandasoldier,Ine'erchangedwithhislike.Byhisdiscourse,heshouldeatnothingbuthay;hewasbornforthemanger,pannier,orpack-saddle.Hehasnotsomuchasagoodphraseinhisbelly,butalloldironandrustyproverbs:agoodcommodityforsomesmithtomakehob-nailsof.
Mat.Ay,andhethinkstocarryitawaywithhismanhoodstill,wherehecomes:hebragshewillgivemethebastinado,asIhear.
Bob.How!hethebastinado!howcamehebythatword,trow?
Mat.Nay,indeed,hesaidcudgelme;Itermeditso,formymoregrace.
Bob.Thatmaybe:forIwassureitwasnoneofhisword;butwhen,whensaidheso?
Mat.Faith,yesterday,theysay;ayounggallant,afriendofmine,toldmeso.
Bob.BythefootofPharaoh,an'tweremycasenow,Ishouldsendhimachartelpresently.Thebastinado!amostproperandsufficientdependence,warrantedbythegreatCaranza.Comehither,youshallchartelhim;I'llshewyouatrickortwoyoushallkillhimwithatpleasure;thefirststoccata,ifyouwill,bythisair.
Mat.Indeed,youhaveabsoluteknowledgeinthemystery,Ihaveheard,sir.
Bob.Ofwhom,ofwhom,haveyouheardit,Ibeseechyou?
Mat.Troth,Ihavehearditspokenofdivers,thatyouhaveveryrare,andun-in-one-breath-utterableskill,sir.
Bob.Byheaven,no,notI;noskillintheearth;somesmallrudimentsinthescience,astoknowmytime,distance,orso.1haveprofesseditmorefornoblemenandgentlemen'suse,thanmineownpractice,Iassureyou.—Hostess,accommodateuswithanotherbed-staffherequickly.Lendusanotherbed-staff—thewomandoesnotunderstandthewordsofaction.—Lookyou,sir:exaltnotyourpointabovethisstate,atanyhand,andletyourponiardmaintainyourdefence,thus:—giveitthegentleman,andleavens,\_KxitTib.]So,sir.('orneon:O,twineyourbodymoreabout,thatyoumayfalltoamoresweet,comely,gentlemanlikeguard;so!indiMVrent:hollowyourbodymore,sir,thus:now,standfasto'
yourleftleg,noteyourdistance,keepyourdueproportionoftime—oh,youdisorderyourpointmostirregularly.
Mat.Howi.sthebeariii'_rofitnow,sirf
Bob.O,outofmeasureill:awell-experiencedhandwouldpassuponyouatpleasure.
Mat.Howmeanyou,sir,passuponme?
Bob.Why,thus,sir,—makeathrustatme—[MasterMathewpushesatBobadill]comeinupontheanswer,controlyourpoint,andmakeafullcareeratthebody:Thebest-practisedgallantsofthetimenameitthepassado;amostdesperatethrust,believeit.
Mat.Well,come,sir.
Bob.Why,youdonotmanageyourweaponwithanyfacilityorgracetoinviteme.Ihavenospirittoplaywithyou;yourdearthofjudgmentrendersyoutedious.
Mat.Butonevenue,sir.
Bob.Venue!fie;themostgrossdenominationaseverIheard:O,thestoccata,whileyoulive,sir;notethat.—Come,putonyourcloke,andwe'llgotosomeprivateplacewhereyouareacquainted;sometavern,orso—andhaveabit.I'llsendforoneofthesefencers,andheshallbreatheyou,bymydirection;andthenIwillteachyouyourtrick:youshallkillhimwithitatthefirst,ifyouplease.Why,Iwilllearnyou,bythetruejudgmentoftheeye,hand,andfoot,tocontrolanyenemy'spointintheworld.Shouldyouradversaryconfrontyouwithapistol,'twerenothing,bythishand!youshould,bythesamerule,controlhisbullet,inaline,exceptitwerehailshot,andspread.Whatmoneyhaveyouaboutyou,masterMathew?
Mat.Faith,Ihavenotpastatwoshillingorso.
Bob.'Tissomewhatwiththeleast;butcome;wewillhaveabunchofradishandsalttotasteourwine,andapipeoftobaccotoclosetheorificeofthestomach:andthenwe'llcalluponyoungWellbred:perhapsweshallmeettheCorydonhisbrotherthere,andputhimtothequestion.
ACTII
SCENEI.—TheOldJewry.AHallinKITELY'SHouse.EnterKITELY,CASH,andDOWNRIGHT.
Kit.Thomas,comehither.Thereliesanotewithinuponmydesk;Heretakemykey:itisnomatterneither.—Whereistheboy?
Cash.Within,sir,inthewarehouse.
Kit.LethimtelloverstraightthatSpanishgold,Andweighit,withthepiecesofeight.DoyouSeethedeliveryofthosesilverstuffsToMasterLucar:tellhim,ifhewill,Heshallhavethegrograns,attherateItoldhim,AndIwillmeethimontheExchangeanon.
Cash.Good,sir.[Exit.
Kit.Doyouseethatfellow,brotherDownright?
Dow.Ay,whatofhim?
Kit.Heisajewel,brother.
Itookhimofachildupatmydoor,Andchristen'dhim,gavehimmineownname,Thomas:SincebredhimattheHospital;whereprovingAtowardimp,IcalFdhimhome,andtaughthimSomuch,asIhavemadehimmycashier,Andgiv'nhim,whohadnone,asurname,Cash:Andrindhiminhisplacesofulloffaith,ThatIdursttrustmylifeintohishands.
Dow.SowouldnotIinanybastard's,brother,Asitislikeheis,althoughIknew''yselfhisfather.ButyousaidyouhadsomewhatTotellme,gentlebrother:whatis't,whatis't?
Kii.Faith,Iamveryloathtoutterit,Asfearingitmayhurtyourpatience:ButthatIknowyourjudgmentisofstrength,Againstthenearnessofaffection—
Dow.Whatneedthiscircumstance?prayyou,bedirect.
Kit.IwillnotsayhowmuchIdoascribeUntoyourfriendship,norinwhatregardIholdyourlove;butletmypastbehaviour,Andusageofyoursister,[both]confirmHowwellIhavebeenaffectedtoyour—
Dow.Youaretootedious;cometothematter,thematter.
Kit.Then,withoutfurtherceremony,thus.MybrotherWellbred,sir,Iknownothow,Oflateismuchdeclinedinwhathewas,Andgreatlyalter'dinhisdisposition.\Yhenhecamefirsttolodgehereinmyhouse,Xe'ertrustmeifIwerenotproudofhim:Methoughthebarehimselfinsuchafashion,Sofullofman,andsweetnessinhiscarriage,Andwhatwaschief,itshew'dnotborrow'dinhim,Butallhedidbecamehimashisown,Andseem'dasperfect,proper,andpossest.Asbreathwithlife,orcolourwiththeblood.Butnow,hiscourseissoirregular,Soloose,affected,anddeprivedofgrace,AndhehimselfwithalsofarfallenoffFromthatfirst
place,asscarcenonoteremains.Totellmen'sjudgmentswherehelatelystood.He'sgrownastrangertoallduerespect,I-V.rtretfulofhisfriends;andnotcontentTostalehimselfinallsoeieti-s,Hemakesmyhouseherecommonasaunit,Atheatre,apublicreceptacleForgiddyhumour,anddeceasedriot;
Andhere,asinatavernorastews.
Heandhiswildassociatesspendtheirhours,
Inrepetitionoflasciviousjests,
Swear,leap,drink,dance,andrevelnightbynig"t,
Controlmyservants;and,indeed,whatnot?
Doic.'Sdeins.IknownotwhatIshouldsavtohim,inthewhole
•
world!Hevaluesmeatacrack'dthree-farthings,foraughtIsee.Itwillneveroutofthefleshthat'sbredinthebone.Ihavetoldhimenough,onewouldthink,ifthatwouldserve;butcounseltohimisasgoodasashoulderofmuttontoasickhorse.Well!heknowswhattotrustto,forGeorge:lethimspend,andspend,anddomineer,tillhisheartake:anhethinktoberelievedbyme,whenheisgotintooneo'yourcitypounds,thecounters,hehasthewrongsowbytheear,i'faith;andclapshisdishatthewrongman'sdoor:I'lllaymyhandonmyhalfpenny,ereIpartwithittofetchhimout,I'llassurehim.
Kit.Xay.goodbrother,letitnottroubleyouthus.
Dow.:Sdeath!hemadsme;Icouldeatmyveryspur-leathersforanger!But.whyareyousotame?whydoyounotspeaktohim,andtellhimhowhedisquietsyourhouse?
Kit.0.therearediversreasonstodissuademe.But.wouldyourselfvouchsafetotravailinit(Thoughbutwithplainandeasycircumstance),Itwouldbothcomemuchbettertohissense,Andsavourlessofstomach,orofpassion.Youarehiselderbrother,andthattitleBothgivesandwarrantsyourauthority,Which,byyourpresenceseconded,mustbreedAkindofdutvinhim,andregard:
*c.
Whereas,ifIshouldintimatetheleast,Itwouldbutaddcontempttohisneglect,Heapworseonill,makeupapileofhatred,Thatintherearingwouldcometotteringdown,Andintheruinburyallourlove.Xay,morethanthis,brother:ifIshouldspeak,Hewouldbeready,fromhisheatofhumour,Andoverflowingofthevapourinhim,ToblowtheearsofhisfamiliarsWiththefalsebreathoftellingwhatdisgraces,Andlowdisparagements,Ihadputuponhim.Whilstthey,sir,torelievehiminthefable.Maketheirloosecommentsuponeveryword,Gesture,orlook,Iuse;mockmeallover,Frommyflatcapuntomyshiningshoes:And,outoftheirimpetuousriotingphant'519=5,Begetsomeslanderthatshalldwellwithme.Andwhatwouldthatbe.thinkyou?marry,this:Theywouldgiveout,becausemy
wifeisfair,Myselfbutlatelymarried,andmysister
HeresojourningavirgininmyHOT
-1Iwerejealous!—nay,assureasdeath,Thattheywouldsay:and,howthatIhadquarrelMybrotherpurposely,therebytofindAnaptpretexttobanishthemmyhouse.
Dou:Mass,perhapsso:they'relikeenoughtodoit.
K'(.Brother,theywould,believeit;soshouldI,Likeoneofthesepenuriousquack-salvers,Butsetthebillsuptomineowndisgrace,Andtryexperimentsuponmyself;LendscornandenvyopportunityTostabmyreputationandgoodname—
EnterMasterMATHEWstrugglingwithBOBADILL.
Mat.Iwillspeaktohim.
Bob.Speaktohim!away!BythefootofPharaoh,youshallnot!youshallnotdohimthatgrace.—Thetimeofdaytoyou,gentlemano'thehouse.IsmasterWellbredstirring?
Dow.Howthen?whatshouldhedo?
Bob.Gentlemanofthehouse,itistoyou:ishewithin,sir?
Kit.Hecamenottohislodgingto-night,sir.Iassureyou.
Dow.Why,doyouhear?you!
Bob.Thegentlemancitizenhathsatisfiedme;I'lltalktonoscavenger.euntBob.andM
Dow.How!scavenger!stay.sir.stay!
Kit.Xay,brotherDownright.
Dow.'Heart!standyouaway,anyouloveme.
Kit.Youshallnotfollowhimnow,Iprayyou,brother,goodfaithyoushallnot;Iwilloverruleyou.
Dow.Ha!scavenger!well,goto,Isaylittle:but.bythisgoodday(GodforgivemeIshouldswear),ifIputitupso,sayIamtherankestcowthateverpist.Sleins,anIswallowthis.I'llne'erdrawmvswordinthesightofFleet-streeta^ainwhileIlive:I'll
t--
sitinabarnwithmadge-howlet.andcatchmicefirst.Scavenger!heart!—andI'llgoneartofillthathugetumbrel-slopofyourswithsomewhat,anIhavegoodluck:yourGaragantuabreechcannotcarryitawayso.
Kil.Oh,donotfretyourselfthus:neverthinkon't.
Dow.Thesearemybrother'sconsorts,these!thesearehi?camerades,hiswalkingmates!he'sagallant,acavalierotoo,r;_hangmancut!Letmenotlive,anIcouldnotfindinmyheartt»s-uinerethewholegangof'em,oneafteranother,andbeginwithhimfirst.Iamgrieveditshouldbesaidheismybrother,andtaketl.-rees:Well,ashebrews,soshallhedrink,for(
again.Yetheshallhearon't,andthat'ytoo,anIlive,.
Kit.But.brother,letyourreprehension,thtu,Runinaneasycurrent,noto'erhi_rhCarriedwithlashnes-.ordevourinjr;
Butratheru.-ethesoftpersuading\\;ty,
Whosepowerswillworkmoregently,andcomposeTheimperfectthoughtsyoulabourtoreclaim;Morewinning,thanenforcingtheconsent.
Dow.Ay,ay,letmealoneforthat,Iwarrantyou.
Kit.Hownow![Bellrings.]Oh,thebellringstobreakfast.Brother,Iprayyougoin,andbearmywifecompanytillIcome;I'llbutgiveorderforsomedespatchofbusinesstomyservants.
[ExitDownright.
EnterCOB,withhistankard.
Kit.What,Cob!ourmaidswillhaveyoubytheback,i'faith,forcomingsolatethismorning.
Cob.Perhapsso,sir;takeheedsomebodyhavenotthembythebelly,forwalkingsolateintheevening.[Exit.
Kit.Well;yetmytroubledspirit'ssomewhateased,ThoughnotreposedinthatsecurityAsIcouldwish:butImustbecontent,Howe'erIsetafaceon'ttotheworld.WouldIhadlostthisfingerataventure,SoWellbredhadne'erlodgedwithinmyhouse.Wliy'tcannotbe,wherethereissuchresortOfwantongallants,andyoungrevellers,Thatanywomanshouldbehonestlong.Is'tlike,thatfactiousbeautywillpreserveThepublicwealofchastityunshaken,Whensuchstrongmotivesmuster,andmakeheadAgainsthersinglepeace?No,no:beware.Whenmutualappetitedothmeettotreat,AndspiritsofonekindandqualityComeoncetoparleyintheprideofblood,Itisnoslowconspiracythatfollows.Well,tobeplain,ifIbutthoughtthetimeHadanswer'dtheiraffections,alltheworldShouldnotpersuademebutIwereacuckold.Marry,Ihopetheyhavenotgotthatstart;Foropportunityhathbalk'dthemyet,Andshalldostill,whileIhaveeyesandearsToattendtheimpositionsofmyheart.Mypresenceshallbeasanironbar,'Twixttheconspiringmotionsofdesire:Yea,everylookorglancemineeyeejectsShallcheckoccasion,asonedothhisslave,Whenheforgetsthelimitsofprescription.
EnterDameKITELYandBRIDGET.
DameK.SisterBridget,prayyoufetchdowntherose-water,aboveinthecloset.[ExitBridget.
—Sweet-heart,willyoucomeintobreakfast?
Kit.Anshehaveoverheaidmenow!—
DameK.Ipraythee,goodmuss,westayforyou.
Kit.Byheaven,Iwouldnotforathousandangels.
DameK.Whatailyou,sweet-heart?areyounotwell?speak,goodmuss.
Kit.Trothmyheadakesextremelyonasudden.
DameK.[puttingherhandtohisforehead.]0,theLord!
Kit.Hownow!What?
DameK.Alas,howitburns!Muss,keepyouwarm;goodtruthitisthisnewdisease,there'sanumberaretroubledwithal.Forlove'ssake,sweet-heart,comein,outoftheair.
Kit.Howsimple,andhowsubtleareheranswers!Anewdisease,andmanytroubledwithit?Whytrue;sheheardme,alltheworldtonothing.
DameK.Ipraythee,goodsweet-heart,comein;theairwilldoyouharm,introth.
Kit.Theair!shehasmeinthewind.—Sweet-heart,I'llcometoyoupresently;'twillaway,Ihope.
DameK.PrayHeaven"itdo.[Exit.
Kit.Anewdisease!Iknownot,neworold,Butitmaywellbecall'dpoormortals'plague;For,likeapestilence,itdothinfectThehousesofthebrain.FirstitbeginsSolelytoworkuponthephantasy,Fillingherseatwithsuchpestiferousair,Assooncorruptsthejudgment;andfromthence.Sendslikecontagiontothememory:Stilleachtoothergivingtheinfection.WhichasasubtlevapourspreadsitselfConfusedlythrougheverysensivepart,TillnotathoughtormotioninthemindBefreefromtheblackpoisonofsuspect.Ah!butwhatmiseryisittoknowthis?Or,knowingit,towantthemind'serectionInsuchextremes?Well,Iwilloncemorestrivo,Inspiteofthisblackcloud,myselftobe,Andshakethefeveroffthatthusshakesme.[Exit.
SCEXElI.—MoorfieMs.EnterBRAINWORMdisguisedlikeamaimedSoU/'rr.
Brai.'Slid,Icannotchoosebutlaughtoseemyselftranslatedthus,fromapoorcreaturetoacreator;fornowmustIcreateanintolerablesortoflies,ormypresentprofessionlosesthegrace:andyetthelie,toamanofmycoat,isasominousafruitastheri<->.O,sir,itholdsforgoodpolityever,tohavethatoutwardlyinvilestestimation,thatinwardlyismostdeartous:somuchformyborrowedsliape.Well,thetrothis,myoldmasterintendstofollowmyyoungmaster,dry-tout,overMoorrieldstoLondon,thismorning;now,Iknowingofthis
hunting-match,orratherconspiracy,
andtoinsinuatewithmyyoungmaster(forsomustwethatarebluewaiters,andmenofhopeandservicedo,orperhapswemaywearmotleyattheyear'send,andwhowearsmotley,youknow),havegotmeaforeinthisdisguise,determiningheretolieinambuscado,andintercepthiminthemid-way.IfIcanbutgethiscloke,hispurse,andhishat,nay,anythingtocuthimoff,thatis,tostayhisjourney,Veni,vidi,vici,ImaysaywithcaptainCaesar,Iammadeforever,i'faith.Well,nowImustpractisetogetthetruegarbofoneoftheselance-knights,myarmhere,andmy-—Odso!myyoungmaster,andhiscousin,masterStephen,asIamtruecounterfeitmanofwar,andnosoldier!
EnterE.KNOWELLandSTEPHEN.
E.Know.So,sir!andhowthen,coz?
Step.'Sfoot!Ihavelostmypurse,Ithink.
E.Know.How!lostyourpurse?where?whenhadyouit?
Step.Icannottell;stay.
Brai.'Slid,Iamafraidtheywillknowme:wouldIcouldgetbythem!
E.Know.What,haveyouit?
Step.No;IthinkIwasbewitched,I—[Cries.
E.Know.Nay,donotweeptheloss:hangit,letitgo.
Step.Oh,it'shere:No,anithadbeenlost,Ihadnotcared,butforajetringmistressMarysentme.
E.Know.Ajetring!0thepoesie,thepoesie?
Step.Fine,i'faith.—
ThoughFancysleep,Myloveisdeep.
Meaning,thatthoughIdidnotfancyher,yetshelovedmedearly.E.Know.Mostexcellent!Step.AndthenIsentheranother,andmypoesiewas,
Thedeeperthesweeter,I'llbejudg'dbySt.Peter.
E.Know.How,bySt.Peter?Idonotconceivethat.
Step.Marry,St.Peter,tomakeupthemetre.
E.Know.Well,therethesaintwasyourgoodpatron,hehelp'dyouatyourneed;thankhim,thankhim,
Brai.Icannottakeleaveon'emso;Iwillventure,comewhatwill.[Comesforward.}Gentlemen,pleaseyouchangeafewcrownsforaveryexcellentbladehere?Iamapoorgentleman,asoldier,onethat,inthebetterstateofmyfortunes,scornedsomeanarefuge;butnowitisthehumourofnecessitytohaveitso.Youseemtobegentlemenwellaffectedtomartialmen,elseIshouldratherdiewithsilence,thanlivewithshame:however,vouchsafetorememberitismywantspeaks,notmyself;thisconditionagreesnotwithmyspirit—
E.Know.Wherehastthouserved?
Brai.Mayitpleaseyou,sir,inallthelatewarsofBohemia.Hungary,Dalmatia,Poland,wherenot,sir?Ihavebeenapoorservitorbyseaandlandanytimethisfourteenyears,andfollowedthefortunesofthebestcommandersinChristendom.IwastwiceshotatthetakingofAleppo,onceatthereliefofVienna;IhavebeenatMarseilles,Naples,andtheAdriaticgulf,agentleman-slaveinthegallies,thrice;whereIwasmostdangerouslyshotinthehead,throughboththethighs;andyet,beingthusmaimed,Iamvoidofmaintenance,nothingleftmebutmyscars,thenotedmarksofmyresolution.
*/
Step.Howwillyousellthisrapier,friend?
Brai.Generoussir,Ireferittoyourownjudgment;youareagentleman,givemewhatyouplease.
Step.True,Iamagentleman,Iknowthat,friend;butwhatthough!Iprayyousay,whatwouldyouask?
Brai.Iassureyou,theblademaybecomethesideorthighofthebestprinceinEurope.
E.Knoiv.Ay,withavelvetscabbard,Ithink.
Step.Nay,an'tbemine,itshallhaveavelvetscabbard,coz,that'sflat;I'dnotwearit,asitis,anyouwouldgivemeanangel.
Brai.Atyourworship'spleasure,sir;nay,'tisamostpureToledo.
Step.IhadratheritwereaSpaniard.Buttellme,whatshallIgiveyouforit?Anithadasilverhilt—
E.Know.Come,come,youshallnotbuyit:hold,there'sashilling,fellow;takethyrapier.
Step.Why,butIwillbuyitnow,becauseyousayso;andthere'sanothershilling,fellow;Iscorntobeout-bidden.What,shallIwalkwithacudgel,likeHigginbottom,andmayhavearapierformoney!
E.Know.Youmaybuyoneinthecity.
Step.Tut!I'llbuythisi'thefield,soIwill:Ihaveamindto't,because'tisafieldrapier.Tellmeyourlowestprice.
E.Know.Youshallnotbuyit,Isay.
Step.Bythismoney,butIwill,thoughIgivemorethan'tisworth.
E.Know.Comeaway,youareafool.
Step.Friend,Iamafool,that'sgranted;butI'llhaveit,forthatword'ssake.Followmeforyourmoney.
Brai.Atyourservice,sir.[Exeunt.
SCENEIII.—AnotherPartofMoorfields.EnterKNOWELL.
Knair.Icannotlosethethoughtyetofthisletter,Senttomyson;norleavet'admirethechangeOfmanners,andthebreedingofouryouth\Yithinthekingdom,sincemyselfwasone.—WhenIwasyoung,helivednotinthestews
Dursthaveconceivedascorn,andutter'dit,
Onagrayhead;agewasauthority
Againstabuffoon,andamanhadthen
Acertainreverencepaiduntohisyears,
Thathadnonedueuntohislife:somuch
Thesanctityofsomeprevail'dforothers.
Butnowweallarefallen;youth,fromtheirfear,
Andage,fromthatwhichbredit,goodexample.
Nay,wouldourselveswerenotthefirst,evenparents,
Thatdiddestroythehopesinourownchildren;
Ortheynotlearn'dourvicesintheircradles,
Andsuck'dinourillcustomswiththeirmilk;
Erealltheirteethbeborn,ortheycanspeak,
Wemaketheirpalatescunning;thefirstwords
Weformtheirtongueswith,arelicentiousjests:
Canitcallwhore?crybastard?0,then,kissit!
Awittychild!can'tswear?thefather'sdarling!
Giveittwoplums.Nay,ratherthan'tshalllearn
Nobawdysong,themotherherselfwillteachit!—
Butthisisintheinfancy,thedays
Ofthelongcoat;whenitputsonthebreeches,
Itwillputoffallthis:Ay,itislike,
Whenitisgoneintothebonealready!
No,no;thisdyegoesdeeperthanthecoat,
Orshirt,orskin;itstainsintotheliver,
Andheart,insome:and,ratherthanitshouldnot,
Notewhatwefathersdo!lookhowwelive!
Whatmistresseswekeep!atwhatexpense,
Inoursons'eyes!wheretheymayhandleourgifts,
Hearourlasciviouscourtships,seeourdalliance,
Tasteofthesameprovokingmeatswithus,
Toruinofourstates!Nay,whenourown
Portionisfled,topreyontheremainder,
Wecallthemintofellowshipofvice;
Bait'emwiththeyoungchamber-maid,toseal,
Andteach'emallbadwaystobuyaffliction.
Thisisonepath:buttherearemillionsmore,
Inwhichwespoilourown,withleadingthem.
Well,Ithankheaven,Ineveryetwashe
Thattravell'dwithmyson,beforesixteen,
ToshewhimtheVenetiancourtezans;
NorreadthegrammarofcheatingIhadmade,
Tomysharpboy,attwelve;repeatingstill
Therule,Getmoney;still,getmoney,boy;
Nomatterbywhatmeans;moneywilldo
More,boy,thanmylord'sletter.NeitherhaveI
Drestsnailsormushroomscuriouslybeforehim,
Perfumedmysauces,andtaughthimhowtomakethem;
Precedingstill,withmygraygluttony,
Atalltheord'naries,andonlyfear'd
Hispalateshoulddegenerate,nothismanners.
Thesearethetradeoffathersnow;however,
?*Iyson,Ihope,hathmetwithinmythreshold
Xoneofthesehouseholdprecedents,whicharestrong,
Andswift,torapeyouthtotheirprecipice.
Butletthehouseathomebene'ersoclean
Swept,orkeptsweetfromfilth,naydustandcobwebs,
Ifhewillliveabroadwithhiscompanions,
Indungandleystals,itisworthafear;
Noristhedangerofconversingless
ThauallthatIhavemention'dofexample.
EnterBRAINWORM,disguisedasbefore.
Brai.Mymaster!nay,faith,haveatyou;Iamflesh'dnow,Ihavespedsowell.[Aside.]Worshipfulsir,Ibeseechyou,respecttheestateofapoorsoldier;Iamashamedofthisbasecourseoflife,—God'smycomfort—butextremityprovokesmeto't:whatremedy?
Know.Ihavenotforyou,now.
Brai.BythefaithIbearuntotruth,gentleman,itisnoordinarycustominme,butonlytopreservemanhood.Iprotesttoyou,amanIhavebeen:amanImaybe,byyoursweetbounty.
Know.Praythee,goodfriend,besatisfied.
Brai.Goodsir,bythathand,youmaydothepartofakindgentleman,inlendingapoorsoldierthepriceoftwocansofbeer,amatterofsmallvalue:thekingofheavenshallpayyou,andIshallrestthankful:Sweetworship—
Know.Nay,anyoubesoimportunate—
Brai.Oh,tendersir!needwillhaveitscourse:Iwasnotmadetothisvileuse.Well,theedgeoftheenemycouldnothaveabatedmesomuch:it'shardwhenamanhathservedinhisprince'scause,andbethus.[IFeeps.]Honourableworship,letmederiveasmallpieceofsilverfromyou,itshallnotbegiveninthecourseoftime.Bythisgoodground,Iwasfaintopawnmyrapierlastnightforapoorsupper;Ihadsuck'dthehiltslongbefore,Iamapaganelse:Sweethonour—
Know.Believeme,Iamtakenwithsomewonder,Tothinkafellowofthyoutwardpresence,Should,intheframeandfashionofhisinind,Besodegenerate,andsordid-base.Artthouaman?andsham'stthounottobeg,Topractisesuchaservilekindoflife?Why,werethyeducationne'ersomean,Havingthylimbs,athousandfairercoursesOfferthemselvestothyelection.Eitherthewarsmightstillsupplythywants,Orserviceofsomevirtuousgentleman,Qrhonestlabour;nay,whatcanIname,putwouldbecomethcebetterthanto
Butmenofthyconditionfeedonsloth,
Asdoththebeetleonthedungshebreedsin;
Norcaringhowthemetalofyourminds
Iseatenwiththerustofidleness.
Now,aforeme,whate'erhebe,thatshould
Relieveapersonofthyquality,
Whilethouinsist'stinthisloosedesperatecourse,
Iwouldesteemthesinnotthine,buthis.
Brai.Faith,sir,Iwouldgladlyfindsomeothercourse,ifso—
Know.Ay,You'dgladlyfindit,butyouwillnotseekit.
Brai.Alas,sir,whereshouldamanseek?inthewars,there'sno
ascentbydesertinthesedays;butandforservice,woulditwere
assoonpurchased,aswishedfor!theair'smycomfort.—[Sighs.]—IknowwhatIwouldsay.
Know.What'sthyname?
Brai.Pleaseyou,Fitz-Sword,sir.
Know.Fitz-Sword!
Saythatamanshouldentertaintheenow,Wouldstthoubehonest,humble,just,andtrue?
Brai.Sir,bytheplaceandhonourofasoldier—
Know.Nay,nay,Ilikenottheseaffectedoaths;speakplainly,man,whatthink'stthouofmywords?
Brai.Nothing,sir,butwishmyfortuneswereashappyasmyserviceshouldbehonest.
Know.Well,followme;I'llprovethee,ifthydeedsWillcarryaproportiontothywords.[Exit.
Brai.Yes,sir,straight;I'llbutgartermyhose.Ohthatmybellywerehoop'dnow,forIamreadytoburstwithlaughing!neverwasbottleorbagpipefuller.'Slid,wasthereeverseenafoxinyearstobetrayhimselfthus!nowshallIbepossestofallhiscounsels;and,bythatconduit,myyoungmaster.Well,heisresolvedtoprovemyhonesty;faith,andI'mresolvedtoprovehispatience:Oh,Ishallabusehimintolerably.Thissmallpieceofservicewillbringhimcleanoutoflovewiththesoldierforever.Hewillnevercomewithinthesignofit,thesightofacassock,oramusket-restagain.HewillhatethemustersatMile-endforit,tohisdyingday.It'snomatter,lettheworldthinkmeabadcounterfeit,itIcannotgivehimtheslipataninstant:why,thisisbetterthantohavestaidhisjourney:well,I'llfollowhim.Oh,howIlongtobeemployed![Exit.
EveryManinHisHumour583
ACTIII
SCENEI.—TheOldJewry.ARoomintheWindmillTavern.EntfrMasterMATHEW,WELLBRED,andBOBADILL.
Mat.Yes,faith,sir,wewereatyourlodgingtoseekyoutoo.
\Vel.Oh,Icamenotthereto-night.
Bob.Yourbrotherdeliveredusasmuch.
Wei.Who,mybrotherDownright?
Bob.He.Mr.Wellbred,Iknownotinwhatkindyouholdme;butletmesaytoyouthis:assureashonour,Iesteemitsomuchoutofthesunshineofreputation,tothrowtheleastbeamofregarduponsucha—
Wei.Sir,Imusthearnoillwordsofmybrother.
Bob.Iprotesttoyou,asIhaveathingtobesavedaboutme,Ineversawanygentlemanlikepart—
Wei.Goodcaptain,facesabouttosomeotherdiscourse.
Bob.Withyourleave,sir,antherewerenomoremenlivinguponthefaceoftheearth,Ishouldnotfancyhim,bySt.George!
Mat.Troth,norI;heisofarusticalcut,Iknownothow:hedothnotcarryhimselflikeagentlemanoffashion.
Wei.Oh,masterMathew,that'sagracepeculiarbuttoafew,quosoequusamavitJupiter.
Mat.Iunderstandyou,sir.
\Yel.Noquestion,youdo,—ordoyounot,sir.
EnterE.KNOWELLandMasterSTEPHEN.
NedKnowell!bymysoul,welcome:howdostthou,sweetspirit,mygenius?'Slid,IshallloveApolloandthemadThespiangirlsthebetter,whileIlive,forthis,mydearFury;now,Iseethere'ssomeloveinthee.Sirrah,thesebethetwoIwrittotheeof:nay,whatadrowsyhumouristhisnow!whydostthounotspeak?
E.Know.Oh,youareafinegallant;yousentmearareletter.
\\'el.Why,was'tnotrare?
E.Know.Yes,I'llbesworn,Iwasne'erguiltyofreadingthelike;matchitinallPliny,orSymmachus'sepistles,andI'llhavemyjudgmentburn'dintheearforarogue:makemuchofthyvein,foritisinimitable.ButImariewhatcamelitwas,thatha-1thecarriageofit;for,doubtless,hewasnoordinarybeastthatbroughtit.
ItW.Why?
E.Know.Why,say'stthou!why,dostthouthinkthatanvreasonablecreature,especiallyinthemorning,thesolx-i-timeofthedaytoo,couldhavemistakenmyfathertorme?
\\'fl.'Slid,yonjest,Ihope.
E.Kiiain.Indeed,thebestusewecanturnitto.istomak'jr-ton't.n«\v:tintI'llassureyou,myt'alln-rhadthefull\u-\\ofyourflourishingstylesomehourbeforeIsawit.
Wel.Whatadullslavewasthis!but,sirrah,whatsaidhetoit,i'faith?
E.Know.Nay,Iknownotwhathesaid;butIhaveashrewdguesswhathethought.
Wel.What,what?
E.Know.Marry,thatthouartsomestrange,dissoluteyoungfellow,andI—agrainortwobetter,forkeepingtheecompany.
Wel.Tut!thatthoughtislikethemooninherlastquarter,'twillchangeshortly:but,sirrah,Ipraytheebeacquaintedwithmytwohang-by'shere;thouwilttakeexceedingpleasureinthemifthouhear'st'emoncego;mywind-instruments;I'llwindthem
upButwhatstrangepieceofsilenceisthis,thesignofthe
.DumbMan?
E.Know.Oh,sir,akinsmanofmine,onethatmaymakeyourmusicthefuller,anheplease;hehashishumour,sir.
Wel.Oh,whatis't,whatis't?
E.Know.Nay,I'llneitherdoyourjudgmentnorhisfollythatwrong,astoprepareyourapprehension:I'llleavehimtothemercyofyoursearch;ifyoucantakehim,so!
Wel.Well,captainBobadill,masterMathew,prayyouknowthisgentlemanhere;heisafriendofmine,andonethatwilldeserveyouraffection.Iknownotyourname,sir,[toStephen.]butIshallbegladofanyoccasiontorendermemorefamiliartoyou.
Step.MynameismasterStephen,sir;Iamthisgentleman'sowncousin,sir;hisfatherismineuncle,sir:Iamsomewhatmelancholy,butyoushallcommandme,sir,inwhatsoeverisincidenttoagentleman.
Bob.Sir,Imusttellyouthis,Iamnogeneralman;butformasterWellbred'ssake,(youmayembraceitatwhatheightoffavouryouplease,)Idocommunicatewithyou,andconceiveyoutobeagentlemanofsomeparts;Ilovefewwords.
E.Know.AndIfewer,sir;Ihavescarceenoughtothankyou.
Mat.Butareyou,indeed,sir,sogiventoit?
Step.Ay,truly,sir,Iammightilygiventomelancholy.
Mat.Oh,it'syouronlyfinehumour,sir:yourtruemelancholybreedsyourperfectfinewit,sir.Iammelancholymyself,divertimes,sir,andthendoInomorebuttakepenandpaper,presently,andoverflowyouhalfascore,oradozenofsonnetsatasitting.
E.Know.Sureheuttersthemthenbythegross.[Aside.
Step.Truly,sir,andIlovesuchthingsoutofmeasure.
E.Know.I'faith,betterthaninmeasure,I'llundertake.
Mat.Why,Iprayyou,sir,makeuseofmystudy,it'satyourservice.
Step.Ithankyou,sir,IshallbeboldIwarrantyou;haveyouastooltheretobemelancholyupon?
Mat.ThatIhave,sir,andsomepapersthereofmineowndoing,atidlehours,thatyou'llsaythere'ssomesparksofwitin'em,whenyouseethem.
EveryManinHisHumour585
Wel.Wouldthesparkswouldkindleonce,andbecomeafireamongstthem!Imightseeself-loveburntforherheresy.[Atide.
Step.Cousin,isitwell?amImelancholyenough?
E.Know.Ohay,excellent.
Wel.CaptainBobadill,whymuseyouso?
E.Know.Heismelancholytoo.
Bob.Faith,sir,Iwasthinkingofamosthonourablepieceofservice,wasperformedto-morrow,beingSt.Mark'sday,shallbesometenyearsnow.
E.Know.Inwhatplace,captain?
Bob.Why,atthebeleagueringofStrigonium,where,inlessthantwohours,sevenhundredresolutegentlemen,asanywereinEurope,losttheirlivesuponthebreach.I'lltellyou,gentlemen,itwasthefirst,butthebestleaguerthateverIbeheldwiththeseeves,exceptthetakinginof—whatdoyoucallit?lastyear,bytheGenoways;butthat,ofallother,wasthemostfatalanddangerousexploitthateverIwasrangedin,sinceIfirstborearmsbeforethefaceoftheenemy,asIamagentlemanandasoldier!
Step.So!IhadasliefasanangelIcouldswearaswellasthatgentleman.
E.Know.Then,youwereaservitoratboth,itseems;atStrigonium,andwhatdoyoucall't?
Bob.Olord,sir!BySt.George,Iwasthefirstmanthatenteredthebreach;andhadInoteffecteditwithresolution,IhadbeenslainifIhadhadamillionoflives.
E.Know.'Twaspityyouhadnotten;acat'sandyourown,i'faith.But,wasitpossible?
Mat.Prayyoumarkthisdiscourse,sir.
Step.SoIdo.
Bob.Iassureyou,uponmyreputation,'tistrue,andyourselfs!allconfess.
E.Know.Youmustbringmetotherack,first.[Aside.
Bob.Observemejudicially,sweetsir;theyhadplantedmethreedemi-culverinsjustinthemouthofthebreach;now,sir,asweweretogiveon,theirmaster-gunner(amanofnomeanskillandmark,youmustthink,)confrontsmewithhislinstock,readytogivefire;I,spyinghisintendment,dischargedmypetronelinhisbosom,andwiththesesinglearms,mypoor
n'pi-r.ranviolentlyupontheMoorsthatguardedtheordnance,andputthempell-melltothesword.
Wel.Tothesword!Totherapier,captain.
E.Know.Oh,itwasagoodfigureobserved,sir:butdidyouallthis,captain,withouthurtingyourblade?
I>>h.Withoutanyimpeacho'theearth:youshallperceive,sir.l^hfwshisrapter.]Itisthemostfortunateweaponthateverri!onpoorgentleman'sthi'_rh.ShallItellyou,sir?YoutalkofMorglay,Excalibur,Durindana,orso;tut!Ilendnocredittothatisfabledof'em:Ikn<>\vthevirtueofmine-<nvn,andthereforetheboldliermaintainit.
Step.ImariewhetheritbeaToledoorno.
Bob.AmostperfectToledo,Iassureyou,sir.
Step.Ihaveacountrymanofhishere.
Mat.Prayyou,let'ssee,sir;yes,faith,itis.
Bob.ThisaToledo!Pish!
Step.Whydoyoupish,captain?
Bob.AFleming,byheaven!I'llbuythemforaguildera-piece,anIwouldhaveathousandofthem.
E.Know.Howsayyou,cousin?Itoldyouthusmuch.
Wei.Whereboughtyouit,masterStephen?
Step.Ofascurvyroguesoldier:ahundredoflicegowithhim!HesworeitwasaToledo.
Bob.Apoorprovantrapier,nobetter.
Mat.Mass,Ithinkitbeindeed,nowIlookon'tbetter.
E.Know.Nay,thelongeryoulookon't,theworse.Putitup,putitup.
Step.Well,Iwillputitup;butby—Ihaveforgotthecaptain'soath,Ithoughttohaveswornbyit—ane'erImeethim—
Wei.O,itispasthelpnow,sir;youmusthavepatience.
Step.Whoreson,coney-hatchingrascal!Icouldeattheveryhiltsforanger.
E.Know.Asignofgooddigestion;youhaveanostrichstomach,cousin.
Step.Astomach!wouldIhadhimhere,youshouldseeanIhadastomach.
WeLIt'sbetterasitis.—Come,gentlemen,shallwego?
EnterBRAINWORM,disguisedasbefore.
E.Know.Amiracle,cousin;lookhere,lookhere!
Step.Oh—'Od'slid.Byyourleave,doyouknowme,sir?
Brai.Ay,sir,Iknowyoubysight.
Step.Yousoldmearapier,didyounot?
Brai.Yes,marrydidI,sir.
Step.YousaiditwasaToledo,ha?
Brai.True,Ididso.
Step.Butitisnone.
Brai.No,sir,Iconfessit;itisnone.
Step.Doyouconfessit?Gentlemen,bearwitness,hehasconfestit:—'Od'swill,anyouhadnotconfestit—
E.Know.Oh,cousin,forbear,forbear!
Step.Nay,Ihavedone,cousin.
Wei.Why,youhavedonelikeagentleman;hehasconfestit,whatwouldyoumore?
Step.Yet,byhisleave,heisarascal,underhisfavour,doyousee.
E.Know.Ay,byhisleave,heis,andunderfavour:aprettypieceofcivility!Sirrah,howdostthoulikehim?
Wei.Oh,it'samostpreciousfool,makemuchonhim:Icancomparehimtonothingmorehappilythanadrum;foreveryonemayplayuponhim.
EveryManinHisHumour587
E.Know.No,no,achild'swhistlewerefarthefitter.Brai.ShallIintreatawordwithyou?
E.Know.Withme,sir?youhavenotanotherToledotosell,havevou?
•/
Brai.Youareconceited,sir:YournameisMasterKnowell,asItakeit?
E.Know.Youareintheright;youmeannottoproceedinthecatechism,doyou?
Brai.No,sir;Iamnoneofthatcoat.
E.Know.Ofasbareacoat,though:well,say,sir.
Brai.[takingE.Know,aside.]Faith,sir,Iambutservanttothedrumextraordinary,andindeed,thissmokyvarnishbeingwashedoft,andthreeorfourpatchesremoved,Iappearyourworship'sinreversion,afterthedeceaseofyourgoodfather,Brainworm.
E.Know.Brainworm!'Slight,whatbreathofaconjurerhathblowntheehitherinthisshape?
Brai.Thebreathofyourletter,sir,thismorning;thesamethatblewyoutotheWindmill,andyourfatherafteryou.
E."Know.Myfather!
Brai.Nay,neverstart,'tistrue;hehasfollowedyouoverthefieldsbythefoot,asyouwoulddoahareinthesnow.
E.Know.SirrahWellbred,whatshallwedo,sirrah?myfatheriscomeoverafterme.
Wei.Thyfather!Whereishe?
Brai.AtjusticeClement'shouse,inColeman-street,wherehebutstaysmyreturn;andthen—
Wei.Who'sthis?Brainworm!
Brai.Thesame,sir.
Wei.Whyhow,inthenameofwit,com'stthoutransmutedthus?
Brai.Faith,adevice,adevice;nay,fortheloveotreason,gentlemen,andavoidingthedanger,standnothere;withdraw,andI'lltellyouall.
Wei.Butartthousurehewillstaythyreturn?
Brai.DoIlive,sir?whataquestionisthat!
Wei.We'llproroguehisexpectation,then,alittle:Brainworm,thoushaltgowithus.—Comeon,gentlemen.—Nay,Ipraythee,sweetNed,droopnot;'heart,anourwitsbesowretchedlydull,thatoneoldploddingbraincanoutstripusall,wouldweweree'enpresttomakeportersof,andserveouttheremnantofourdaysinThames-street,oratCustom-housekey,inacivilwaraiiain.-tthecarmen!
Brai.Amen,amen,amen,sayI.
SCENEII.—TheOldJewry.KITKI.Y'SWardmuse.EnterKITELYandCASH.
Kit.Whatsayshe,Thomas?didyouspeakwithhim?GY/.s//.{fewillexpectyou,sir,withinthishalthour.Kit.Hashethemoneyready,canyoutell?
Cash.Yes,sir,themoneywasbroughtinlastnight.
Kit.0,tiiatiswell;fetchmemycloak,mycloak!—
[ExitCash.
Stay,letmesee,anhourtogoandcome:Ay,thatwillbetheleast;andthen'twillboAnhourbeforeIcandispatchwithhim,Orverynear;well,Iwillsaytwohours.Twohours!ha!thingsneverdreamtofyet,Maybecontrived,ay,andeffectedtoo,Intwohours'absence;well,Iwillnotgo.Twohours!Xo,fleeringOpportunity,Iwillnotgiveyoursubtiltythatscope.Whowillnotjudgehimworthytoberobb'd,Thatsetshisdoorswideopentoathief,Andshewsthefelonwherehistreasurelies?Again,whatearthlyspiritbutwillattemptTotastethefruitofbeauty'sgoldentree,Whenleadensleepsealsupthedragon'seyes?Iwillnotgo.Business,gobyforonce.Xo,beauty,no;youareoftoogoodcaract,Tobeleftso,withoutaguard,oropen.Yourlustre,too,'11inflameatanydistance,Drawcourtshiptoyou,asajetdothstraws;Putmotioninastone,strikefirefromice,Xay,makeaporterleapyouwithhisburden.Youmustbethenkeptup,close,andwellwatch'd,For.giveyouopportunity,noquick-sandDevoursorswallowsswifter!HethatlendsHiswife,ifshebefair,ortimeorplace,Compelshertobefalse.Iwillnotgo!Thedangersaretoomany;—andthenthedressingIsamostmainattractive!OurgreatheadsWithinthiscityneverwereinsafetySinceourwivesworetheselittlecaps:I'llchange'ern;I'llchange'emstraightinmine:mineshallnomoreWearthree-piledacorns,tomakemyhornsake.XorwillIgo;Iamresolvedforthat.
Re-enterCASHwithacloak.
Carryinmycloakagain.Yetstay.Yetdo,too:1willdefergoing,onalloccasions.
Cash.Sir,Snare,yourscrivener,willbetherewiththebonds.
Kit.That'strue:foolonme!Ihadcleanforgotit;Imustgo.What'saclock?
Ca&h.Exchange-time,sir.
Kit.'Heart,thenwillWellbredpresentlybeheretoo,Withoneorotherofhislooseconsorts.Iamaknave,ifIknowwhattosay,Whatcoursetotake,orwhichwaytoresolve.
EveryManinHisHumour589
Mybrain,methinks,islikeanhour-glassWhereinniyimaginationsrunlikesands,Fillinguptime;butthenareturn'dandturii'd:SothatIknownotwhattostayupon,Andless,toputinact.—Itshallbeso.Xay,Idarebuilduponhissecrecy,Heknowsnottodeceiveme.—Thomas!
Cash.Sir.
Kit.YetnowIhavebethoughtmetoo,Iwillnot.—Thomas,isCobwithin?
Cash.Ithinkhebe,sir.
Kit.Buthe'llpratetoo,thereisnospeechofhim.Xo,therewerenomanontheearthto
Thomas,IfIdursttrusthim;thereisallthedoubt.Butshouldhehaveaclinkinhim,Iweregone.Lostinmyfameforever,talkforth'Exchange!Themannerhehathstoodwith,tillthispresent,Dothpromisenosuchchange:whatshouldIfearthen?Well,comewhatwill,I'lltemptmyfortuneonce.Thomas—youmaydeceiverne,but,Ihope—Yourlovetomeismore—
Cash.Sir,ifaservant's
Duty,withfaith,maybecall'dlove,youareMorethaninhope,youarepossess'dofit.
Kit.Ithankyouheartily,Thomas:givemeyourhand:Withallmyheart,goodThomas.Ihave,Thomas,Asecrettoimpartuntoyou—but,Whenonceyouhaveit,Imustsealyourlipsup;SofarItellyou,Thomas.
Cash.Sir,forthat—
Kit.Xay,hearmeout,ThinkIesteemyou,Thomas,WhenIwillletyouinthustomyprivate.Itisathingsitsnearertomycrest.Thanthouart'wareof,Thomas;ifthoushould'stRevealit,but—
•<h.How,Irevealit?
Kit.Xav,
IdonotthinkthouwouM>t;butift.uiishould'st,'T\vereagreatweakness.
Cash.A_Teattreachery:
Giveitnoothername.
Kit.Tii>'iwiltnotdo't.then?
C'<3ir,ifIdo.mankinddi^.-laimmeever!
Kit.Hewillnotswear,liehassomereservati
meconceal'dpu;;•£•..mlclosein-mini:BUI.•1somuch.ho\vslmul1heeli>»
^y^2
natlendanoathtoallthisju-.r-n'!
'ano]>ivc;>iin,tiiitI'mcertain.KoaiauCatholic:he'llj.l.iv
Atfayles,andtick-tack;Ihaveheardhimswear.WhatshouldIthinkofit?urgehimagain,Andbysomeotherway!Iwilldoso.Well,Thomas,thouhastswornnottodisclose:—Yes,youdidswear?
Cash.Notyet,sir,butIwill,
Pleaseyou—
Kit.No,Thomas,Idaretakethyword,
But,ifthouwiltswear,,doasthouthink'stgood;Iamresolv'dwithoutit;atthypleasure.
Cash.Bymysoul'ssafetythen,sir,Iprotest,Mytongueshallne'ertakeknowledgeofawordDeliver'dmeinnatureofyourtrust.
Kit.Itistoomuch;theseceremoniesneednot:Iknowthyfaithtobeasfirmasrock.Thomas,comehither,near;wecannotbeTooprivateinthisbusiness.Soitis,—
Nowhehassworn,Idarethesafelierventure.[Aside.
Ihaveoflate,bydiversobservations—Butwhetherhisoathcanbindhim,yea,orno,Beingnottakenlawfully?ha!sayyou?
IwillaskcouncilereIdoproceed:—[Aside.
Thomas,itwillbenowtoolongtostay,I'llspysomefittertimesoon,orto-morrow.
Cash.Sir,atyourpleasure.
Kit.Iwillthink:—and,Thomas,
Iprayyousearchthebooks'gainstmyreturn,Forthereceipts'twixtmeandTraps.
Cash.Iwill,sir.
Kit.Andhearyou,ifyourmistress'sbrother,Wellbred,Chancetobringhitheranygentleman,EreIcomeback,letonestraightbringmeword.
Cash.Verywell,sir.
Kit.TotheExchange,doyouhear?
OrhereinColeman-street,tojusticeClement's.Forgetitnot,norbenotoutoftheway.
Cash.Iwillnot,sir.
Kit.Iprayyouhaveacareon't.
Or,whetherhecomeorno,ifanyother,Stranger,orelse;failnottosendmeword.
Cash.Ishallnot,sir.
Kit.Beityourspecialbusiness
Nowtorememberit.
Cash.Sir,Iwarrantyou.
Kit.But,Thomas,thisisnotthesecret,Thomas,Itoldyouof.
Cash.No,sir;Idosupposeit.
Kit.Believeme,itisnot.
Cash.Sir,Idobelieveyou.
EveryManinHisHumour591
Kit.Byheavenitisnot,that'senough:but,Thomas,Iwouldnotyoushouldutterit,doyousee,Toanycreatureliving;yetIcarenot.Well,Imusthence.Thomas,conceivethusmuch;Itwasatrialofyou,whenImeantSodeepasecrettoyou,Imeannotthis,ButthatIhavetotellyou;thisisnothing,this.But,Thomas,keepthisfrommywife,Ichargeyou,Lock'dupinsilence,midnight,buriedhere.—Nogreaterhellthantobeslavetofear.[Exit.
Cash.Lock'dupinsilence,midnight,buriedhere!Whenceshouldthisfloodofpassion,trow,takehead?ha!Bestdreamnolongerofthisrunninghumour,ForfearIsink;theviolenceofthestreamAlreadyhathtransportedmesofar,ThatIcanfeelnogroundatall:butsoft—Oh,'tisourwater-bearer:somewhathascrosthimnow.
EnterCOB,hastily.
Cob.Fasting-days!whattellyoumeoffasting-days?'Slid,wouldtheywereallonalightfireforme!theysaythewholeworldshallbeconsumedwithfireoneday,butwouldIhadtheseEmber-weeksandvillanousFridaysburntinthemeantime,andthen—
Cash.WThy,hownow,Cob?whatmovestheetothischoler,ha?
Cob.Collar,masterThomas!Iscornyourcollar,I,sir;Iamnoneo'yourcart-horse,thoughIcarryanddrawwater.Anyouoffertoridemewithyourcollarorhaltereither,Imayhapshewyouajade'strick,sir.
Cash.0,you'llslipyourheadoutofthecollar?why,goodmanCob,youmistakeme.
Cob.Nay,Ihavemyrheum,andIcanbeangryaswellasanother,sir.
Cash.Thyrheum.Cob!thyhumour,thyhumour—thoumis-tak'st.
Cob.Humour!mack,Ithinkitbesoindeed;whatisthathumour?somerarething,Iwarrant.
Cash.MarryI'lltellthee,Cob:itisagentlemanlikemonster,bredinthespecialgallantryofourtime,byaffectation;andfedbyfolly.
Cob.How!mustitbefed?
Cash.Ohay,humourisnothingifitbenotfed:didstthouneverhearthat?it'sacommon
phrase,feed/////humour.
Cob.I'llnoneonit:humour,avaunt!Iknowyounot,begone!letwhowillmakehungrymealsforyourmonster-ship,itshallnotbeI.Feedyou,quothhe!'slid,Ihavemuchadotofeedmyself;especiallyontheseleanrascallydaystoo;an'thadbeena\\otherdaybutafasting-day—aplagueonthemalltorme!Bythislight,onemighthavedonethecommonwealthi^oodservice,andhavednnvn'dthemallintheflood,twoorthreehuadredthousand
yearsago.O,Idostomachthemhugely.Ihaveamawnow,and'twereforsirBevishishorse,againstthem.
Cash.Ipraythee,goodCob,whatmakestheesooutoflovewithfastingdays?
Cob.Marry,thatwhichwillmakeanymanoutoflovewith'era,Ithink;theirbadconditions,anyouwillneedsknow.First,theyareofaFlemishbreed,Iamsureon't,fortheyravenupmorebutterthanallthedaysoftheweekbeside;next,theystinkoffishandleek-porridgemiserably;thirdly,they'llkeepamandevoutlyhungryallday,andatnightsendhimsupperlesstobed.
Cash.Indeed,thesearefaults,Cob.
Cob.Nay,anthiswereall,'tweresomething;buttheyaretheonlyknownenemiestomygeneration.Afasting-daynosoonercomes,butmylineagegoestowrack;poorcobs!theysmoakforit,theyaremademartyrso'thegridiron,theymeltinpassion:andyourmaidstoknowthis,andyetwouldhavemeturnHannibal,andeatmyownfleshandblood.Myprincelycoz,[pullsoutaredherring.]fearnothing;Ihavenotthehearttodevouryou,anImightbemadeasrichaskingCophetua.OthatIhadroomformytears,Icouldweepsalt-waterenoughnowtopreservethelivesoftenthousandthousandofmykin!ButImaycursenonebutthesefilthyalmanacks;foran'twerenotforthem,thesedaysofpersecutionwouldneverbeknown.I'llbehang'dansomefishmonger'ssondonotmakeof'em,andputsinmorefasting-daysthanheshoulddo,becausehewouldutterhisfather'sdriedstockfishandstinkingconger.
Cash.'Slightpeace!thou'ltbebeatenlikeastock-fishelse:here'smasterMathew.
EnterWELLBRED,E.KNOWELL,BRAINWORM,MATHEW,BOBADILL,andSTEPHEN.
NowmustIlookoutforamessengertomymaster.[ExitwithCob.
}Vel.Beshrewme,butitwasanabsolutegoodjest,andexceedinglywellcarried!
E.Know.Ay,andourignorancemaintain'ditaswell,diditnot?
Wei.Yes,faith;butwasitpossiblethoushouldstnotknowhim?IforgivemasterStephen,forheisstupidityitself.
E.Know.'ForeGod,notI,anImighthavebeenjoin'dpattenwithoneofthesevenwisemastersforknowinghim.HehadsoMrithenhimselfintothehabitofoneofyourpoor
infantry,yourdecayed,ruinous,worm-eatengentlemenoftheround;suchashavevowedtositontheskirtsofthecity,letyourprovostandhishalf-dozenofhalberdiersdowhattheycan;andhavetranslatedbeggingoutoftheoldhackney-pacetoafineeasyamble,andmadeitrunassmoothoffthetongueasashove-groatshilling.Intothelikenessofoneofthesereformadoshadhemouldedhimselfsoperfectly,observingeverytrickoftheiraction,as,varyingtheaccent,swearingwithanemphasis,indeed,allwithsospecialandexquisiteagrace,that,hadstthouseenhim,thouwouldsthave
swornhemighthavebeensergeant-rnajor,ifnotlieutenant-coloneltotheregiment.
}Yd.Why,-Brainworm,whowouldhavethoughtthouhadstbeensuchanartificer?
E.Know.Anartiiicer!anarchitect.Exceptamanhadstudiedbeggingallhislifetime,andbeenaweaveroflanguagefromhisinfancyforthecloathingofit,Ineversawhisrival.
Wei.Wheregot'stthouthiscoat,Imarie?
Brai.OfaHounsditchman,sir,oneofthedevil'snearkinsmen,abroker.
}\'el.Thatcannotbe,iftheproverbhold;forAcraftyknaveneedsnobroker.
Brai.True,sir;butIdidneedabroker,ergo—
\\\l.Wellputoff:—nocraftyknave,you'llsay.
E.Know.Tut,hehasmoreoftheseshifts.
Brai.Andyet,whereIhaveonethebrokerhasten,sir.
Re-enterCASH.
Cash.Francis!Martin!ne'eraonetobefoundnow?whataspite'sthis!
Wei.Hownow,Thomas?IsmybrotherKitelywithin?
Cash.No,sir,mymasterwentforthe'ennow;butmasterDownrightiswithin.—Cob!what,Cob!Ishegonetoo?
\Vel.Whitherwentyourmaster,Thomas,canstthoutell?
Cash.Iknownot:tojusticeClement's,Ithink,sir—Cob!
[Exit.
E.Know.JusticeClement!what'she?
Wei.Why,dostthounotknowhim?Heisacity-magistrate,ajusticehere,anexcellentgoodlawyer,andagreatscholar;buttheonlymad,merryoldfellowinEurope.Ishewedhimyoutheotherday.
E.Know.Oh,isthathe?Irememberhimnow.Goodfaith,andheisaverystrangepresencemethinks;itshewsasifhestoodoutoftherankfromothermen:IhaveheardmanyofhisjestsintheUniversity.Theysayhewillcommitamanfortakingthewallofhishorse.
Wei.Ay,orwearinghiscloakononeshoulder,orservingofGod;anything,indeed,ifitcomeinthewayofhishumour.
Re-enterCASH.
Cash.Gasper!Martin!Cob!'Heart,whereshouldtheybe.trow'!
linh.MasterKitely'sman,praytheevouchsafeusthelightingofthismatch.
Cash.Fireonyourmatch!notimebutnowtovouchsafe?—Francis!Cob![Exit.
Bob.Bodyo'me!here'stheremainderofsevenpoundsinceyesterdaywasseven-night.'TisyourrightTrim'Jado:didyounevertakeany,masterStephen?
Step.No,truly,sir;butI'lllearntotakeitnow,sinceyoucommenditso.
Bob.Sir,believeme,uponmyrelationforwhatItellyou,theworldshallnotreprove.IhavebeenintheIndies,wherethisherbgrows,whereneithermyself,noradozengentlemenmoreofmyknowledge,havereceivedthetasteofanyothernutrimentintheworld,forthespaceofoneandtwentyweeks,butthefumeofthissimpleonly:therefore,itcannotbe,but'tismostdivine.Further,takeitinthenature,inthetruekind;so,itmakesanantidote,that,hadyoutakenthemostdeadlypoisonousplantinallItaly,itshouldexpelit,andclarifyyou,withasmucheaseasIspeak.Andforyourgreenwound,—yourBalsamumandyourSt.John'swort,areallmeregulleriesandtrashtoit,especiallyyourTrinidado:yourNicotianisgoodtoo.IcouldsaywhatIknowofthevirtueofit,fortheexpulsionofrheums,rawhumours,crudities,obstructions,withathousandofthiskind;butIprofessmyselfnoquacksalver.Onlythusmuch;byHercules,Idoholdit,andwillaffirmitbeforeanyprinceinEurope,tobethemostsovereignandpreciousweedthatevertheearthtenderedtotheuseofman.
E.Know.Thisspeechwouldhavedonedecentlyinatobacco-trader'smouth.
Re-enterCASHwithCOB.
Cash.AtjusticeClement'sheis,inthemiddleofColeman-street.
Cob.Oh,oh!
Bob.Where'sthematchIgavethee,masterKitely'sman?
Cash.Wouldhismatchandhe,andpipeandall,wereatSanctoDomingo!Ihadforgotit.[Exit.
Cob.'Od'sme,Imariewhatpleasureorfelicitytheyhaveintakingthisroguishtobacco.It'sgoodfornothingbuttochokeaman,andfillhimfullofsmokeandembers:therewerefourdiedoutofonehouselastweekwithtakingofit,andtwomorethebellwentforyesternight;
oneofthem,theysay,willneverscapeit;hevoidedabushelofsootyesterday,upwardanddownward.Bythestocks,antherewerenowisermenthanI,I'dhaveitpresentwhipping,manorwoman,thatshouldbutdealwithatobaccopipe:why,itwillstiflethemallintheend,asmanyasuseit;it'slittlebetterthanratsbaneorrosaker.\Eobadillbeatshim.
All.Oh,goodcaptain,hold,hold!
Bob.Youbasecullion,you!
Re-enterCASH.
Cash.Sir,here'syourmatch.Come,thoumustneedsbetalkingtoo,thou'rtwellenoughserved.
Cob.Nay,hewillnotmeddlewithhismatch,Iwarrantyou:well,itshallbeadearbeating,anIlive.
Bob.Doyouprate,doyoumurmur?
E.Know.Nay,goodcaptain,willyouregardthehumourofafool?Away,knave.
EveryManinHisHumour595
\Yd.Thomas,gethimaway.[ExitCashwithCob.
Bob.Awhoresonfilthyslave,adung-worm,anexcrement!Bodyo'Caesar,butthatIscorntoletforthsomeanaspirit,I'dhavestabb'dhimtotheearth.
Wei.Marry,thelawforbid,sir!
Bob.ByPharaoh'sfoot,Iwouldhavedoneit.
Step.Oh,heswearsmostadmirably!ByPharaoh'sfoot!Bodyo'Cyesar!—Ishallneverdoit,sure.Uponminehonour,andbySt.George!—No,Ihavenottherightgrace.
Mat.MasterStephen,willyouany?Bythisair,themostdivinetobaccothateverIdrunk.
Step.None,Ithankyou,sir.O,thisgentlemandoesitrarelytoo:butnothingliketheother.Bythisair![Practisesatthepost.]AsIamagentleman!By—[ExeuntBob.andMat.
Brai.[pointingtoMasterStephen.}Master,glance,glance!masterWellbred!
Step.AsIhavesomewhattobesaved,Iprotest—
Wei.Youareafool;itneedsnoaffidavit.
E.Know.Cousin,willyouanytobacco?
Step.I,sir!Uponmyreputation—
E.Know.Hownow,cousin!
Step.Iprotest,asIamagentleman,butnosoldier,indeed—
Wei.No,masterStephen!AsIremember,yournameisenteredintheartillery-garden.
Step.Ay,sir,that'strue.Cousin,mayIswear,asIamasoldier,bythat?'
E.Know.Oyes,thatyoumay;itisallyouhaveforyourmoney.
Step.Then,asIamagentleman,andasoldier,itis"divinetobacco!'
Wei.Butsoft,where'smasterMathew?Gone?
Brai.No,sir;theywentinhere.
Wei.Olet'sfollowthem:masterMathewisgonetosalutehismistressinverse;weshallhavethehappinesstohearsomeofhispoetrynow;henevercomesunfinished.—Brainworm!
Step.Brainworm!Where?IsthisBrainworm?
E.Know.Ay,cousin;nowordsofit,uponyourgentility.
Step.NotI,bodyofme!Bythisair!St.George!andthefootofPharaoh!
Wei.Rare!Yourcousin'sdiscourseissimplydrawnoutwithoaths.
E.Know.'Tislardedwiththem;akindofFrenchdressing,ifyouloveit.[Exeunt.
SCENEIII.—Coleman-Slreet.ARoominJusticeCLEMENT'SHouse.
EnterKITELYandCOB.
Kit.Ha!howmanyarethere,say'stthou?Cob.Marry,sir,yourbrother,master\Velll>n-<]-
Kit.Tut,besidehim:whatstrangersarethere,man?
Cob.Strangers?letmesee,one,two;mass,Iknownotwell,therearesomany.
Kit.How!somany?
Cub.Ay,there'ssomefiveorsixofthematthemost.
Kit.Aswarm,aswarm!Spiteofthedevil,howtheystingmyheadWithforkedstings,thuswideandlarge!But,Cob,Howlonghastthoubeencominghither,Cob?
Cob.Alittlewhile,sir.
Kit.Didstthoucomerunning?
Cob.No,sir.
Kit.Nay,thenIamfamiliarwiththyhaste.Banetomyfortunes!whatmeantItomarry2I,thatbeforewasrank'dinsuchcontent,Mymindatresttoo,insosoftapeace,Beingfreemasterofmineownfreethoughts,Andnowbecomeaslave?What!neversigh;Beofgoodcheer,man;forthouartacuckold:'Tisdone,'tisdone!Nay,whensuchflowing-store,Plentyitself,fallsintomywife'slap,Thecornucopiaswillbemine,Iknow.—But,Cob,
Whatentertainmenthadthey?IamsureMysisterandmywifewouldbidthemwelcome:ha?
Cob.Likeenough,sir;yet1heardnotawordoiit.
Kit.No;
Theirlipswereseal'dwithkisses,andthevoice,Drown'dinafloodofjoyattheirarrival,Hadlosthermotion,stateandfaculty.—Cob,
Whichofthemwasitthatfirstkiss'dmywife,Mysister,Ishouldsay?—Mywife,alas!1fearnother:ha!whowasitsav'stthou?
V
Cob.Bymytroth,sir,willyouhavethetruthofit?
Kit.Oh,ay,goodCob,Ipraytheeheartily.
Cob.ThenIamavagabond,andfitterforBridewellthanyourworship'scompany,ifIsawanybodytobekiss'd,unlesstheywouldhavekiss'dthepostinthemiddleofthewarehouse;forthereIleftthemallattheirtobacco,withapox!
Kit.How!weretheynotgoneinthenerethoucam'st?
Cob.0no,sir.
Kit.Spiteofthedevil!whatdoIstayherethen?Cob,followme.[Exit.
Cob.Nay,softandfair;Ihaveeggsonthespit;Icannotgoyet,sir.NowamI,forsomefiveandfiftyreasons,hammering,hammeringrevenge:ohforthreeorfourgallonsofvinegar,tosharpenmywits!Revenge,vinegarrevenge,vinegarandmustardrevenge!Nay,anhehadnotlieuinmyhouse,'twouldneverhave
grievedme;butbeingmyguest,onethat,I'llbesworn,mywifehaslenthimhersmockoffherback,whilehisownshirthasbeenatwashing;pawnedherneck-kerchersforcleanbandsforhim;soldalmostallmyplatters,tobuyhimtobacco;andhetoturnmonsterofingratitude,andstrikehislawfulhost!Well,Ihopetoraiseupanhostoffuryfor't:herecomesjusticeClement.
EnterJusticeCLEMENT,KNOWELL,andFORMAL.
Clem.What'smasterKitelygone,Roger?
Form.Ay,sir.
Clem.'Hearto'me!whatmadehimleaveussoabruptly?—Hownow,sirrah!whatmakeyouhere?whatwouldyouhave,ha?
Cob.An'tpleaseyourworship,Iamapoorneighbourofyourworship's—
Clem.Apoorneighbourofmine!Why,speak,poorneighbour.
Cob.Idwell,sir,atthesignofthe\Vater-tankard,hardbytheGreenLattice:Ihavepaidscotandlotthereanytimethiseighteenyears.
Clem.TotheGreenLattice?
Cob.No,sir,totheparish:Marry,Ihaveseldomscapedscot-freeattheLattice.
Clem.0,well;whatbusinesshasmypoorneighbourwithme?
Cob.An'tlikeyourworship,Iamcometocravethepeaceofyourworship.
Clem.Ofme,knave!Peaceofme,knave!DidIeverhurtthee,orthreatenthee,orwrongthee,ha?
Cob.No,sir;butyourworship'swarrantforonethathaswrong'dme,sir:hisarmsareattoomuchliberty,Iwouldfainhavethemboundtoatreatyofpeace,anmycreditcouldcompassitwithyourworship.
Clem.Thougoestfarenoughaboutfor't,Iamsure.
A"no.Why,dostthougoindangerofthylifeforhim,friend?
Cob.No,sir;butIgoindangerofmydeatheveryhour,byhismeans;anIdiewithinatwelve-monthandaday,Imayswearbythelawofthelandthathekilledme.
Clem.How,how,knave,swearhekilledthee,andbythelaw?Whatpretence,whatcolourhastthouforthat?
Cob.Marry,an'tpleaseyourworship,bothblackandblue;'•!:>urenough,Iwarrantyou.Ihaveitheretoshewyourworship.
Clem.Whatishethatgaveyouthis,sirrah?
Cob.Agentlemanandasoldier,hosays,heis,ofthecityhere.
Clem.Asoldierofthecity!Whatcallyouhim?
Cob.CaptainBobadi'l.
Clem.Bobadill!andwhydidhebobandbeatyou,sirrah?Howbeganthequarrelbetwixtyou,ha?speaktruly,knave,Iadviseyou.
''<>h.Marry,indeed,an'tpleaseyourworship,onlybecauseIspakeagainsttheirvagranttobacco,asIcamebythemwhentheyweretakingon't;fornothingcl.se.
Clem.Ha!youspeakagainsttobacco?Formal,hisname.
Form.What'syourname,sirrah?
Cob.Oliver,sir,OliverCob,sir.
Clem.TellOliverCobheshallgotothejail,Formal.
Form.OliverCob,mymaster,justiceClement,saysyoushallgotothejail.
Cob.0,Ibeseechyourworship,forGod'ssake,dearmasterjustice!
Clem.'Sprecious!ansuchdrunkardsandtankardsasyouare,cometodisputeoftobaccoonce,Ihavedone:awaywithhim!
Cob.0,goodmasterjustice!Sweetoldgentleman!
[ToKnowett.
Know."SweetOliver,"wouldIcoulddotheeanygood!—justiceClement,letmeintreatyou,sir.
Clem.What!athread-barerascal,abeggar,aslavethatneverdrunkoutofbetterthanpiss-potmetalinhislife!andhetodepraveandabusethevirtueofanherbsogenerallyreceivedinthecourtsofprinces,thechambersofnobles,thebowersofsweetladies,thecabinsofsoldiers!—Roger,awaywithhim!'Od'sprecious1say,goto.
Cob.Dearmasterjustice,letmebebeatenagain,Ihavedeservedit:butnottheprison,Ibeseechyou.
Know.Alas,poorOliver!
Clem.Roger,makehimawarrant:—heshallnotgo.Ibutfeartheknave.
Form.Donotstink,sweetOliver,youshallnotgo;mymasterwillgiveyouawarrant.
Cob.O,theLordmaintainhisworship,hisworthyworship!
Clem.Away,dispatchhim.[ExeuntFormalandCob.]Hownow,masterKnowell,indumps,indumps!Come,thisbecomesnot.
Know.Sir,wouldIcouldnotfeelmycares.
Clem.Yourcaresarenothing:theyarelikemycap,soonputon,andassoonputoff.What!yoursonisoldenoughtogovernhimself:lethimrunhiscourse,it'stheonlywaytomakehimastaidman.Ifhewereanunthrift,aruffian,adrunkard,oralicentiousliver,thenyouhadreason;youhadreasontotakecare:but,beingnoneofthese,mirth'smywitness,anIhadtwicesomanycaresasyouhave,I'ddrownthemallinacupofsack.Come,come,let'stryit:Imuseyourparcelofasoldierreturnsnotallthiswhile.[Exeunt.
EveryManinHisHumour599
ACTIV
SCENEI.—ARoominKITELY'SHouse.EnterDOWNRIGHTandDameKITELY.
D»>r.Well,sister,Itellyoutrue;andyou'llfinditsointheend.
DameK.Alas,brother,whatwouldyouhavemetodo?Icannothelpit;youseemybrotherbringstheminhere;theyarehisfriends.
Dow.Hisfriends!hisfiends.'Slud!theydonothingbuthaunthimupanddownlikeasortofunluckyspirits,andtempthimtoallmannerofvillainythatcanbethoughtof.Well,bythislight,alittlethingwouldmakemeplaythedevilwithsomeofthem:an'twerenotmoreforyourhusband'ssakethananythingelse,I'dmakethehousetoohotforthebeston'em;theyshouldsay,andswear,hellwerebrokenloose,eretheywenthence.But,byGod'swill,'tisnobody'sfaultbutyours;foranyouhaddoneasyoumighthavedone,theyshouldhavebeenparboiled,andbakedtoo,everymother'sson,eretheyshouldhavecomein,e'eraoneofthem.
DameK.God'smylife!didyoueverhearthelike?whatastrangemanisthis!CouldIkeepoutallthem,thinkyou?Ishouldputmyselfagainsthalfadozenmen,shouldI?Goodfaith,you'dmadthepatien'stbodyintheworld,tohearyoutalkso,\vithoutanysenseorreason.
EnterMistressBRIDGET,MasterMATHEW,andBOBADILL;followed,atadistance,byWELLBRED,E.KNOWELL,STEPHEN,andBRAINWORM.
Brid.Servant,introthyouaretooprodigalOfyourwit'streasure,thustopouritforthrponsomeanasubjectasmyworth.
Mat.Yousaywell,mistress,andImeanaswell.
Dow.Hoy-day,hereisstuff!
l!W.<),MOWstandclose;prayHeaven,shecangethimtoread!heshoulddoitofhisownnaturalimpudency.
Brid.Servant,\\liatisthissame,Iprayyou?
Mat.Marry,anelegy,anelegy,anoddtoy—
D<a-.'\\,mockanapewithal!O,Icouldsewuphismouth,now.
DameK.Sister,Iprayyoulet'shearit.
Dow.Areyourhyme-giventoo?
Mat.Mi-tress,I'llreaditifyouplease.
Brid.1'rayyoudo,servant.
1>ow.O,here'snofoppery!Death!Icanendurethestocksbetter.[Exit.
E.f\'ti"ir.Whatailsthybrother?canhenotholdhiswaterati!p_rofaLallad'.'
HY/.().no;arhymetohimi«worsethancheese,orabag-pipbutmark;youlosetheprotestation.
Mat.Faith,Ididitinahumour;Iknownothowitis;butpleaseyoucomenear,sir.Thisgentlemanhasjudgment,heknowshowtocensureofaprayyou,sir,youcanjudge?
Step.NotI,sir;uponmyreputation,andbythefootofPharaoh!
Wei.O,chideyourcousinforswearing.
E.Know.NotI,solongashedoesnotforswearhimself.
Bob.MasterMathew,youabusetheexpectationofyourdearmistress,andherfairsister:fie!whileyouliveavoidthisprolixity.
Mat.1shall,sir,well;inciperedulce.
E.Know.How,insiperedulce!asweetthingtobeafool,indeed!
Wei.What,doyoutakeincipereinthatsense?
E.Know.Youdonot,you!Thiswasyourvillainy,togullhimwithamotte.
Wei.0,thebenchers'phrase:paucaverba,paucaverba!
Mat.Rare,creature,letmespeakwithoutoffence,WouldGodmyrudewordshadtheinfluenceTorulethythoughts,asthyfairlooksdomine,Thenshouldstthoubehisprisoner,whoisthine.
E.Know.ThisisHeroandLeander.
Wei.O,ay:peace,weshallhavemoreofthis.
Mat.Benotunkindandfair:misshapenstuffIsofbehaviourboisterousandrough.
Wei.Howlikeyouthat,sir?[MasterStephenshakeshishead.
E.Know.'Slight,heshakeshisheadlikeabottle,tofeelantherebeanybraininit.
Mat.Butobservethecatastrophe,now:AndIindutywillexceedallother,AsyouinbeautydoexcelLove'smother.
E.Know.Well,I'llhavehimfreeofthewit-brokers,forheuttersnothingbutstolenremnants.
Wei.0,forgiveithim.
E.Know.Afilchingrogue,hanghim!—andfromthedead!it'sworsethansacrilege.
WELLBRED,E.KNOWELL,andMasterSTEPHEN,comeforward.
Wei.Sister,whathaveyouhere,verses?prayyoulet'ssee:whomadetheseverses?theyareexcellentgood.
Mat.O,MasterWellbred,'tisyourdispositiontosayso,sir.Theyweregoodinthemorning:Imadethemextemporethismorning.
Wei.How!extempore?
Mat.Ay,wouldImightbehangedelse;askCaptainBobadill:hesawmewritethem,atthe—poxonit!—theStar,yonder.
Brai.Canhefindinhishearttocursethestarsso?
E.Know.Faith,hisareevenwithhim;theyhavecursthimenoughalready.
Step.Cousin,howdoyoulikethisgentleman'sverses?
E.Know.O,admirable!thebestthateverIheard,coz.
Step.Bodyo'Caesar,theyareadmirable!thebestthatIeverheard,asIamasoldier!
EveryManinHisHumour601
Re-enterDowNBiGHT.
Dow.Ianrvext,Icanholdne'eraboneofmestill:'Heart,Ithinktheymeantobuildandbreedhere.
Wei.Sister,youhaveasimpleservanthere,thatcrownsyourbeautywithsuchencomiumsanddevices;youmayseewhatitistobethemistressofawit,thatcanmakeyourperfectionssotransparent,thateverybleareyemaylookthroughthem,andseehimdrownedoverheadandearsinthedeepwellofdesire:SisterKitely,Imarvelyougetyounotaservantthatcanrhyme,anddotrickstoo.
Dow.0monster!impudenceitself!tricks!
DameK.Tricks,brother!whattricks?
Brid.Nay,speak,Iprayyouwhattricks?
DameK.Ay,neverspareanybodyhere;butsay,whattricks.
Brid.Passionofmyheart,dotricks!
Wei.'Slight,here'satrickviedandrevied!Why,youmonkeys,you,whataeater-waulingdoyoukeep!hashenotgivenyourhymesandversesandtricks?
Dow.O,thefiend!
Wei.Nay,youlampofvirginity,thattakeitinsnuffso,come,andcherishthistamepoeticalfuryinyourservant;you'llbebegg'delseshortlyforaconcealment:goto,rewardhismuse.Youcannotgivehimlessthanashillinginconscience,forthebookhehaditoutofcosthimatestonatleast.Hownow,gallants!MasterMathew!Captain!what,allsonsofsilence,nospirit?
Dow.Come,youmightpractiseyourruffiantrickssomewhereelse,andnothere,Iwuss;thisisnotavernordrinking-school,toventyourexploitsin.
Wei.Hownow;whosecowhascalved?
Dow.Marry,thathasmine,sir.Nay,boy,neverlookaskanceatmeforthematter;I'lltellyouofit,I,sir;youandyourcompanionsmendyourselveswhenIhavedone.
Wei.Mycompanions!
Dow.Yes,sir,yourcompanions,soIsay;Iamnotafraidofyou,northemneither;yourhang-byeshere.Youmusthaveyourpoetsandyourpotlings,yoursoldadosandfooladostofollowyouupanddownthecity;andheretheymustcometodomineerandswagger.Sirrah,youballad-singer,andslopsyourfellowthere,getyouout,getyouhome;orbythissteel,I'llcutoffyourears,andthatpresently.
\\'el.'Slight,stay,let'sseewhathedaredo;cutoffhisears!cutawhetstone.Youareanass,doyousee;touchanymanhere,andbythishandI'llrunmyrapiertothehiltsinyou.
Dow.Yea,thatwouldIfainsee,boy.[Tlieyalldraw.
DameK.0Jesu!murder!Thomas!Gasper!
Brid.Help,help!Thomas!
EnterCASHandsomeofthehousetopartthem.
E.Know.Gentlemen,forbear,Iprayyou.
Bob.Well,sirrah,youHolofernes;bymyhand,Iwillpinkyourfleshfullofholeswithmyrapierforthis;Iwill,bythisgoodheaven!nay,lethimcome,lethimcome,gentlemen;bythebodyofSt.George,I'llnotkillhim.[Offertofightagain,andareparted.
Cash.Hold,hold,goodgentlemen.
Dow.Youwhoreson,braggingcoystril!
EnterKITELY.
Kit.Why,hownow!what'sthematter,what'sthestirhere?Whencespringsthequarrel?Thomas!whereishe?Putupyourweapons,andputoffthisrage:Mywifeandsister,theyarethecauseofthis.What,Thomas!whereistheknave?
Cash.Here,sir.
Wei.Come,let'sgo:thisisoneofmybrother'sancienthumours,
this.
Step.1amgladnobodywashurtbyhisancienthumour.[ExeuntWellbred,Stephen,E.Knowell,Bobadill,andBrainworm.
Kit.Why,hownow,brother,whoenforcedthisbrawl?
Dow.Asortoflewdrake-hells,thatcareneitherforGodnorthedevil.Andtheymustcomeheretoreadballads,androguery,andtrash!I'llmartheknotof'emereIsleep,perhaps;especiallyBobthere,hethat'sallmannerofshapes:andsongsandsonnets,hisfellow.
Brid.Brother,indeedyouaretooviolent,Toosuddeninyourhumour:andyouknowMybrotherWellbred'stemperwillnotbearAnyreproof,chieflyinsuchapresence,WhereeveryslightdisgraceheshouldreceiveMightwoundhiminopinionandrespect.
Dow.Respect!whattalkyouofrespectamongsuch,ashavenosparkofmanhood,norgoodmanners?'Sdeins,Iamashamedtohearyou!respect![Exit.
Brid.Yes,therewasoneacivilgentleman,Andveryworthilydemeanedhimself.
Kit.O,thatwassomeloveofyours,sister.
Brid.Aloveofmine!Iwoulditwerenoworse,brother;You'dpaymyportionsoonerthanyouthinkfor.
DameK.Indeedheseem'dtobeagentlemanofaveryexceedingfairdisposition,andofexcellentgoodparts.
[ExeuntDameKitelyandBridget.
Kit.Herlove,byheaven!mywife'sminion.Fairdisposition!excellentgoodparts/Death!thesephrasesareintolerable.Goodparts!howshouldsheknowhisparts?Hisparts!Well,well,well,well,well,well;
EveryManinHisHumour603
Itistooplain,tooclear:Thomas,comehither.What,aretheygone?
Cash.Ay,sir,theywentin.
Mymistressandyoursister—
Kit.Areanyofthegallantswithin?
Cash.No,sir,theyareallgone.
Eit.Artthousureofit?
Cash.Icanassureyou,sir.
Kit.Whatgentlemanwasthattheypraisedso,Thomas?
Cash.One,theycallhimMasterKnowell,ahandsomeyounggentleman,sir.
Kit.Ay,Ithoughtso;mymindgavemeasmuch:I'lldie,buttheyhavehidhiminthehouse,Somewhere,I'llgoandsearch;gowithme,Thomas:Betruetome,andthoushaltfindmeamaster.[Exeunt.
SCENEII.—TheLanebeforeCOB'SHouse.EnterCOB.
Cob.[knocksatthedoor.']What,Tib!Tib,Isay!
Tib.{within.}Hownow,whatcuckoldisthatknockssohard?
EnterTIB.
O,husband!isityou?What'sthenews?
Cob.Nay,youhavestunn'dme,i'faith;youhavegivenmeaknocko'theforeheadwillstickbyme.Cuckold!'Slid,cuckold!
Tib.Away,youfool!didIknowitwasyouthatknocked?Come,come,youmaycallmeasbadwhenyoulist.
Cob.MayI?Tib,youareawhore.
Tib.Youlieinyourthroat,husband.
Cob.How,thelie!andinmythroattoo!doyoulongtobestabb'd,ha?
Tib.Why,youarenosoldier,Ihope.
Cob.O,mustyoubestabbedbyasoldier?Mass,that'strue!whenwasBobadillhere,yourcaptain?thatrogue,thatfoist,thatfencingBurgullion?I'llticklehim,i'faith.
Tib.Why,what'sthematter,trow?
Cob.0,hehasbastedmerarely,sumptuously!butIhaveithereinblackandwhite,[pullsoutthewarrant.}forhisblackandblueshallpayhim.O,thejustice,thehonestestoldbraveTrojaninLondon;Idohonourtheveryfleaofhisdog.Aplagueonhim,though,heputmeonceinavillanousfilthyfear;marry,itvanishedawaylikethesmokeoftobacco;butIwassmokedsoundlyfirst.Ithankthedevil,andhisgoodangel,myguest.Well,wife,orTib,whichyouwill,getyouin,andlockthedoor;Ichargeyouletnobodyintoyou,wife;nobodyintoyou;thosearemywords:notCaptainBobhimself,northefiendinhislikeness.Youareawoman,youhavefleshandbloodenoughinyoutobetempted;thereforekeepthedoorshutuponallcomers.
Tib.Iwarrantyou,thereshallnobodyenterherewithoutmyconsent.
Cob.Norwithyourconsent,sweetTib;andsoIleaveyou.
Tib.It'smorethanyouknow,whetheryouleavemeso.
Cob.How?
Tib.Why,sweet.
Cob.Tut,sweetorsour,thouartaflower.Keepclosethydoor,Iasknomore.[Exeunt.
SCENEIII.—ARoomintheWindmillTavern.
EnterE.KJSTOWELL,WELLBRED,STEPHEN,andBRAINWORM,
disguisedasbefore.
E.Know.Well,Brainworm,performthisbusinesshappily,andthoumakestapurchaseofmyloveforever.
Wei.Tfaith,nowletthyspiritsusetheirbestfaculties:but,atanyhand,rememberthemessagetomybrother;forthere'snoothermeanstostarthim.
Brai.Iwarrantyou,sir;fearnothing;Ihaveanimblesoulhaswakedallforcesofmyphant'siebythistime,andputthemintruemotion.Whatyouhavepossestmewithal,I'lldischargeitamply,sir;makeitnoquestion.[Exit.
Wei.Forth,andprosper,Brainworm.Faith,Ned,howdostthouapproveofmyabilitiesinthisdevice?
E.Know.Troth,well,howsoever;butitwillcomeexcellentifittake.
Wei.Take,man!whyitcannotchoosebuttake,ifthecircumstancesmiscarrynot:but,tellmeingenuously,dostthouaffectmysisterBridgetasthoupretend'st?
E.Know.Friend,amIworthbelief?
Wei.Come,donotprotest.Infaith,sheisamaidofgoodornament,andmuchmodesty;and,
exceptIconceivedveryworthilyofher,thoushould'stnothaveher.
E.Knoiv.Nay,thatIamafraid,willbeaquestionyet,whetherIshallhaveher,orno.
Wei.'Slid,thoushalthaveher;bythislightthoushalt.
E.Know.Nay,donotswear.
Wei.Bythishandthoushalthaveher;I'llgofetchherpresently.'Pointbutwheretomeet,andasIamanhonestmanI'llbringher.
E.Know.Hold,hold,betemperate.
Wei.Why,bywhatshallIswearby?thoushalthaveher,as
Iam—
E.Know.Praythee,beatpeace,Iamsatisfied;anddobelievethouwiltomitnoofferedoccasiontomakemydesirescomplete.
Wel.Thoushaltsee,andknow,Iwillnot.[Exeunt.
EveryManinHisHumour605
SCENEIV.—TheOldJewry.EnterFORMALandKNOWELL.
Form.Wasyourmanasoldier,sir?
Knoiv.Ay,aknave
Itookhimbeggingo'theway,thismorning,AsIcameoverMoorfields.
EnterBRAIXWORM,disguisedasbefore.
O,hereheis!—you'vemadefairspeed,believeme,Where,inthenameofsloth,couldyoubethus?
Brai.Marry,peacebemycomfort,whereIthoughtIshouldhavehadlittlecomfortofyourworship'sservice.
Know.Howso?
Brai.O,sir,yourcomingtothecity,yourentertainmentofme.andyoursendingmetowatch—indeedallthecircumstanceseitherofyourcharge,ormyemployment,areasopentoyourson,astoyourself.
Know.Howshouldthatbe,unlessthatvillain,Bramworra,Havetoldhimoftheletter,anddiscover'dAllthatIstrictlycharg'dhimtoconceal?'Tisso.
Brai.Iampartlyo'thefaith,'tisso,indeed.
Know.But,howshouldheknowtheetobemyman?
Brai.Xay,sir,Icannottell;unlessitbebytheblackart.Isnotyoursonascholar,sir?
Know.Yes,butIhopehissoulisnotalliedUntosuchhellishpractice:ifitwere,Ihadjustcausetoweepmypartinhim,Andcursethetimeofhiscreation.But,wheredidstthoufindthem,Fitz-Sword?
Brai.Youshouldratheraskwheretheyfoundme,sir;forI'llbesworn,Iwasgoingalonginthestreet,thinkingnothing,when,ofasudden,avoicecalls,Mr.KnowelVsman!anothercriesSoldier!andthushalfadozenofthem,tilltheyhadcall'dmewithinahouse,whereInosoonercame,buttheyseem'dmen,andoutflewalltheirrapiersatmybosom,withsomethreeorfourscoreoathstoaccompanythem;andalltotellme,Iwasbutadeadman,ifIdidnotconfesswhereyouwere,andhowIwasemployed,amiaboutwhat;whirhwhentheycouldnotgetoutofme,(as,Iprote-t,theymusthavedissected,andmadeananatomyofmefirst,andsoItoldthem,)theylock'dmeupintoaroominthetopofahighhouse,whencebygreatmiracle(havingalightheart)IsliddownI'Vabottomofpackthreadintothestreet,andso'scaped.But,sir,thusmuchIcanassureyou,forIhearditwhileIWPSloek'dup,therewereagreatmanyrichmerchantsandbravecitizens'wiveswiihthematafeast;andyourson,master'K<1\vard,withdrewwithoneofthem,andhas'pointedtomeetheranonatoneCob'shouse
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EveryManinHisHumour607
Bob.Tut!'tisnothing,an'tbenotdoneina—punto.
E.Know.Captain,didyoueverproveyourselfuponanyofourmastersofdefencehere?
Mat.0goodsir!yes,Ihopehehas.
Bob.Iwilltellyou,sir.Uponmyfirstcomingtothecity,aftermylongtravelforknowledge,inthatmysteryonly,therecamethreeorfourofthemtome,atagentleman'shouse,whereitwasmychancetoberesidentatthattime,tointreatmypresenceattheirschools:andwithalsomuchimportunedme,thatIprotesttoyou,asIamagentleman,Iwasashamedoftheirrudedemeanouroutofallmeasure:Well,Itoldthemthattocometoapublicschool,theyshouldpardonme,itwasopposite,indiameter,tomyhumour;butifsobetheywouldgivetheirattendanceatmylodging,IprotestedtodothemwhatrightorfavourIcould,asIwasagentleman,andsoforth.
E.Know.So,sir!thenyoutriedtheirskill?
Bob.Alas,soontried:youshallhear,sir.Withintwoorthreedaysafter,theycame;and,byhonesty,fairsir,believeme,Igracedthemexceedingly,shewedthemsometwoorthreetricksofpreventionhavepurchasedthemsinceacredittoadmiration:theycannotdenythis;andyetnowtheyhateme,andwhy?becauseIamexcellent;andfornoothervilereasonontheearth.
E.Know.Thisisstrangeandbarbarous,aseverIheard.
Bob.Xay,foramoreinstanceoftheirpreposterousnatures;butnote,sir.Theyhaveassaultedmesomethree,four,five,sixofthemtogether,asIhavewalkedaloneindiversskirtsi'thetown,asTurnbull,Whitechapel,Shoreditch,whichwerethenmyquarters;andsince,upontheExchange,atmylodging,andatmyordinary:whereIhavedriventhemaforemethewholelengthofastreet,intheopenviewofallourgallants,pityingtohurtthem,believeme.Yetallthislenitywillnotovercometheirspleen;theywillbedoing:\viththepismire,raisingahillamanmayspurnabroadwithhisfootatpleasure.Bymyself,Icouldhaveslainthemall,butIdelightnotinmurder.Iamlothtobearanyotherthanthisbastinadoforthem:yetIholditgoodpolitynottogodisarmed,forthoughIbeskilful,Imaybeoppressedwithmultitude.^.
E.Know.Ay,believeme,mayyou,sir:andinmyconceit,ourwholenationshouldsustainthelossbyit,ifitwereso.
Bob.Alas,no?what'sapeculiarmantoanation?notseen.
E.Know.0,butyourskill,sir.
Bob.Indeed,thatmightbesomeloss;butwhorespectsit?Iwilltellyou,sir,bythewayofprivate,andunderseal;Iamagentleman,andlivehereobscure,andtomyself;butwereIknowntohermajestyandthelords,—observeme.—Iwouldundertake,uponthispoorheadandlife,forthepublicbenefitofthestate,onlytosparetheentirelivesofhersubjectsingeneral;buttosavethe*onehalf,nay.threepartsofheryearlychargeinholdingwar,i,v_'ainstwhatenemysoever.AndhowwouldIdoit,thinkyou?/'..Know.Xay,1knownot,norcanIconceive.
Bob.Whythus,sir.Iwouldselectnineteenmore,tomyself,throughouttheland;gentlementheyshouldbeofgoodspirit,strongandableconstitution;Iwouldchoosethembyaninstinct,acharacterthatIhave:andIwouldteachthesenineteenthespecialrules,asyourpunto,yourreverso,yourstoccata,yourimbroccato,yourpassada,yourmontanto;tilltheycouldallplayverynear,oraltogetheraswellasmyself.Thisdone,saytheenemywerefortythousandstrong,wetwentywouldcomeintothefieldthetenthofMarch,orthereabouts;andwewouldchallengetwentyoftheenemy;theycouldnotintheirhonourrefuseus:Well,wewouldkillthem;challengetwentymore,killthem;twentymore,killthem;twentymore,killthemtoo;andthuswouldwekilleverymanhistwentyaday,that'stwentyscore;twentyscorethat'stwohundred;twohundredaday,fivedaysathousand:fortythousand;fortytimesfive,fivetimesforty,twohundreddayskillsthemallupbycomputation.AndthiswillIventuremypoorgentlemanlikecarcasetoperform,providedtherebenotreasonpractiseduponus,byfairanddiscreetmanhood;thatis,civillybythesword.
E.Know.Why,areyousosureofyourhand,captain,atalltimes?
.606.Tut!nevermissthrust,uponmyreputationwithyou.
E.Know.IwouldnotstandinDownright'sstatethen,anyoumeethim,forthewealthofanyonestreetinLondon.
Bob.Why,sir,youmistakeme:ifhewereherenow,bythiswelkin,Iwouldnotdrawmyweapononhim.Letthisgentlemandohismind:butIwillbastinadohim,bythebrightsun,whereverImeethim.
Mat.Faith,andI'llhaveaflingathim,atmydistance.
E.Know.'Od's,so,lookwhereheis!yonderhegoes.
[Downrightcrossesthestage.
Dow.WhatpeevishluckhaveI,Icannotmeetwiththesebraggingrascals?
Bob.Itisnothe,isit?
E.Know.Yes,faith,itishe.
Mat.I'llbehang'dthenifthatwerehe.
E.Know.Sir,keepyourhanginggoodforsomegreatermatter,forIassureyouthatwerehe.
Step.Uponmyreputation,itwashe.
Bob.HadIthoughtithadbeenhe,hemustnothavegoneso:butIcanhardlybeinducedtobelieveitwasheyet.
E.Know.ThatIthink,sir.
Re-enterDOWNRIGHT.
Butsee,heiscomeagain.
Dow.0,Pharaoh'sfoot,haveIfoundyou?Come,drawtoyourtools;draw,gipsy,orI'llthrashyou.
Bob.Gentlemanofvalour,Idobelieveinthee;hearme—
Doni.Diawyourweaponthen.
Bob.Tallman,IneverthoughtonittillnowBodyofme,I
EveryManinHisHumour609
hadawarrantofthepeaceeervedonme,evennowasIcamealong,byawater-bearer;thisgentlemansawit,MasterMuthew.
Dow.'Sdeath!youwillnotdrawthen?
[Disarmsandbentshim.Mathewrunsaway.
Bob.Hold,hold!underthyfavourforbear!
Doiv.Prateagain,asyoulikethis,youwhoresonfoistyou!You'llcontrolthepoint,you!Yourconsortisgone;hadhestaidhehadsharedwithyou,sir.[Exit.
Bob.Well,gentlemen,bearwitness,Iwasboundtothepeace,bythisgoodday.
*E.Know.No,faith,it'sanillday,captain,neverreckonitother-but,sayyouwereboundtothepeace,thelawallowsyoutodefendyourself:thatwillprovebutapoorexcuse.
Bob.Icannottell,sir;Idesiregoodconstructioninfairsort.Ineversustain'dthelikedisgrace,byheaven!sureIwasstruckwithaplanetthence,forIhadnopowertotouchmyweapon.
E.Know.Ay,likeenough;Ihaveheardofmanythathavebeenbeatenunderaplanet:go,getyoutoasurgeon.'Slid!anthesebe\-'>nrtricks,yourpassadoes,andyourmontantos,I'll
noneofthem.iL\ritBobadilL]O,manners!thatthisageshouldbringforthsuchcreatures!thatnatureshouldbeatleisuretomakethem!Come,coz.
Step.Mass,I'llhavethiscloak.
E.Know.'Od'swill,'tisDownright's.
Step.Nay,it'sminenow,anothermighthaveta'enitupaswellasI:I'llwearit,soIwill.
E.Know.Howanheseeit?he'llchallengeit,assureyourself.
Step.Ay,butheshallnothaveit:I'llsayIboughtit.
E.Know.Takeheedyoubuyitnottoodear,coz.[Exeunt.
SCENEIV.—ARoominKITELY'SHouse.EnterKITELY,WELLBRED,DameKITELY,andBRIDGET.
Kit.Now,trustme,brother,youweremuchtoblame,Tincensehisanger,anddisturbthepeaceOfmypoorhouse,wheretherearesentinelsThateveryminutewatchtogivealarmsOfcivilwar,withoutadjectionOfyourassistanceoroccasion.
\\'<l.Xoharmdone,brother,Iwarrantyou:sincethereisnoharmdone,angercostsamannothing;andatallmanisneverhisownmantillhebeangry.Tokeephisvalourinobscurity,istokeephimselfasitwereinacloak-bag.What'samusician,unitesheplay?What'satallmanunlesshefight?For,indeed,allthisrnvM-i.sebrotherstandsuponabsolutely;andthatmademefallinwithhimsoresolutely.
h'liniiK.Ay,butwhatharmmighthavecomeofit,brother?
\\'d.Might,sister?soinigLtthegoodwarmclothedyourhusband
wearsbepoisoned,foranythingheknows:orthewholesomewinehedrank,evennowatthetable.
Kit.Now,Godforbid!0me!nowIrememberMywifedranktomelast,andchangedthecup,Andbademewearthiscursedsuitto-day.See,ifHeavensuffermurderundiscover'd!Ifeelmeill;givemesomemithridate,Somemithridateandoil,goodsister,fetchme:O,Iamsickatheart,Iburn,Iburn.Ifyouwillsavemylife,gofetchitme.
Wei.Ostrangehumour!myverybreathhaspoison'dhim.
Eiid.Goodbrother,becontent,whatdoyoumean?Thestrengthoftheseextremeconceitswillkillyou.
DameK.Beshrewyourheart-blood,brotherWellbred,now,Forputtingsuchatoyintohishead!
Wei.Isafitsimileatoy?willhebepoison'dwithasimile?BrotherKitely,whatastrangeand
idleimaginationisthis!Forshame,bewiser.O'mysoulthere'snosuchmatter.
Kit.AmInotsick?howamIthennotpoison'd?AmInotpoison'd?howamIthensosick?
DameK.Ifyoubesick,yourownthoughtsmakeyousick.
Wd.Hisjealousyisthepoisonhehastaken.
EnterBRAINWORM,disguisedinFORMAL'Sclothes.
BraLMasterKitely,mymaster,justiceClement,salutesyou;anddesirestospeakwithyouwithallpossiblespeed.
Kit.Notimebutnow,whenIthinkIamsick,verysick!well,Iwillwaituponhisworship.Thomas!Cob!Imustseekthemout,andsetthemsentinelstillIreturn.Thomas!Cob!Thomas!
[Exit.
Wei.Thisisperfectlyrare,Brainworm;[takeshimaside.]buthowgot'stthouthisapparelofthejustice'sman?
Brai.Marry,sir,myproperfinepen-manwouldneedsbestowthegristonme,attheWindmill,tohearsomemartialdiscourse;whereIsomarshall'dhim,thatImadehimdrunkwithadmiration:and,becausetoomuchheatwasthecauseofhisdistemper,Istripthimstarknakedashelayalongasleep,andborrowedhissuittodeliverthiscounterfeitmessagein,leavingarustyarmour,andanoldbrownbilltowatchhimtillmyreturn;whichshallbe,whenIhavepawn'dhisapparel,andspentthebetterparto'themoney,perhaps.
Wei.Well,thouartasuccessfulmerryknave,Brainworm:hisabsencewillbeagoodsubjectformoremirth.Ipraytheereturntothyyoungmaster,andwillhimtomeetmeandmysisterBridgetattheTowerinstantly;for,here,tellhimthehouseissostoredwithjealousy,thereisnoroomforlovetostanduprightin.Wemustgetourfortunescommittedtosomelargerprison,say;andthantheTower,Iknownobetterair,norwherethelibertyofthehousemaydousmorepresentservice.Away.[ExitBrai.
Re-enterKITELY,talkingasidetoCASH.
Kit.Comehither,Thomas.Nowmysecret'sripe,Andthoushalthaveit:laytoboththineears.HarkwhatIsaytothee.Imustgoforth,Thomas;Becarefulofthypromise,keepgoodwatch,Noteeverygallant,andobservehimwell,Thatentersinmyabsencetothymistress:Ifshewouldshewhimrooms,thejestisstale,Followthem,Thomas,orelsehangonhim,Andlethimnotgoafter;marktheirlooks;Noteifsheofferbuttoseehisband,Oranyotheramoroustoyabouthim;Butpraisehisleg,orfoot:orifshesayThedayishot,andbidhimfeelherhand,Howhotitis;O,that'samonstrousthing!Notemeallthis,goodThomas,marktheirsighs,Andiftheydobutwhisper,break'emoff:I'llbeartheeoutinit.Wiltthoudothis?Wiltthoubetrue,myThomas?
Cash.Astruth'sself,sir.
Kit.Why,Ibelievethee:WhereisCob,now?Cob![Exit.
DameK.He'severcallingforCob:IwonderhowheemploysCobso.
Wei.Indeed,sister,toaskhowheemploysCob,isanecessaryquestionforyouthatarehiswife,andathingnotveryeasyforyoutobesatisfiedin;butthisI'llassureyou,Cob'swifeisanexcellentbawd,sister,andoftentimesyourhusbandhauntsherhouse;marry,towhatend?Icannotaltogetheraccusehim;imagineyouwhatyouthinkconvenient:butIhaveknownfairhideshavefoulheartserenow,sister.
DameK.Neversaidyoutruerthanthat,brother,somuchIcantellyouforyourlearning.Thomas,fetchyourcloakandgowithme.[ExitCash.]I'llafterhimpresently:IwouldtofortuneIcouldtakehimthere,i'faith,I'dreturnhimhisown,Iwarranthim![Exit.
Wei.So,let'emgo;thismaymakesportanon.Now,myfairsister-in-law,thatyouknewbuthowhappyathingitweretobefairandbeautiful.
Brid.Thattouchesnotme,brother.
Wei.That'strue;that'seventhefaultofit;forindeed,beautystandsawomaninnostead,unlessitprocurehertouching.—But,sister,whetherittouchyouorno,ittouchesyourbeauties;andIamsuretheywillabidethetouch;antheydonot,aplagueofall
ceruse,sayI!andittouchesmetooinpart,thoughnotinthe
Well,there'sadearandrespectedfriendofmine,sister,standsverystronglyandworthilyaffectedtowardyou,andhathvowedtoinflamewholebonfiresofzealathisheart,inhonourofyourperfections.Ihavealreadyengagedmypromisetobringyouwhere
youshallhearhimconfirmmuchmore.NedKnowellistheman,sister:there'snoexceptionagainsttheparty.Youareripeforahusband;andaminute'slosstosuchanoccasion,isagreattrespassinawisebeauty.Whatsayyou,sister?Onmysoulhelovesyou;willyougivehimthemeeting?
Brid.Faith,Ihadverylittleconfidenceinm?neownconstancy,brother,ifIdurstnotmeetaman:butthismotionofyourssavoursofanoldknightadventurer'sservantalittletoomuch,methinks.
Wei.What'sthat,sister?
Brid.Marry,ofthesquire.
Wel.Nomatterifitdid,Iwouldbesuchanoneformyfriend.Butsee,whoisreturn'dtohinderus!
Re-enterKITELY.
Kit.WThatvillainyisthis?call'doutonafalsemessage!Thiswassomeplot;Iwasnotsent
for.—Bridget,Whereisyoursister?
Brid.Ithinkshebegoneforth,sir.
Kit.How!ismywifegoneforth?whither,forGod'ssake?
Brid.She'sgoneabroadwithThomas.
Kit.AbroadwithThomas!oh,thatvillaindorsme:BeastthatIwas,totrusthim!whither,Iprayyou,Wentshe?
Brid.Iknownot,sir.
Wei.I'lltellyou,brother,
Whither1suspectshe'sgone.
Kit.Whither,goodbrother?
Wei.ToCob'shouse,Ibelieve:but,keepmycounsel.
Kit.Iwill,Iwill:toCob'shouse!dothshehauntCob's?She'sgoneapurposenowtocuckoldme,Withthatlewdrascal,who,towinherfavour,Hathtoldherall.[Exit.
Wei.Come,heisoncemoregone,
Sister,let'slosenotime;theaffairisworthit.[Exeunt.
SCENEVII.—AStreet.EnterMATHEWandBOBADILL.
Mat.Iwonder,captain,whattheywillsayofmygoingaway,ha?
Bob.Why,whatshouldtheysay,butasofadiscreetgentleman;quick,wary,respectfulofnature'sfairlineaments?andthat'sall.
Mat.Whyso!butwhatcantheysayofyourbeating?
Bob.Arudepart,atouchwithsoftwood,akindofgrossbatteryused,laidonstrongly,bornemostpatiently;andthat'sall.
Mat.Ay,butwouldanymanhaveoffereditinVenice,asyousay?
Bob.Tut!Iassureyou,no:youshallhavethereyournobilis,yourgentilezza,comeinbravelyuponyourreverse,standyouclose,standyoufirm,standyoufair,saveyourretricatowithhisleftleg,cometotheassaltowiththeright,thrustwithbravesteel,defy
yourbasewood!ButwhereforedoIawakethisremembrance?Iwasfascinated,byJupiter;fascinated,butIwillbeunwitch'dandrevengedbylaw.
Mat.Doyouhear?isitnotbesttogetawarrant,andhavehimarrestedandbroughtbefore
justiceClement'.'
Bob.Itwerenotamis.s;wouldwehadit!
EnterBRAINWORMdisguisedasFORMAL.
Mat.Why,herecomeshisman;let'sspeaktohim.
Bob.Agreed,doyouspeak.
Mat.Saveyou,sir.
Brai.Withallmyheart,sir.
Mat.Sir,thereisoneDownrighthathabusedthisgentlemanandmyself,andwedeterminetomakeouramendsbylaw:now,ifyouwoulddousthefavourtoprocureawarranttobringhimaforeyourmaster,youshallbewellconsidered,Iassureyou,sir.
Brai.Sir,youknowmyserviceismyliving;suchfavoursasthesegottenofmymasterishisonlypreferment,andthereforeyoumustconsidermeasImaymakebenefitofmyplace.
Mat.Howisthat,sir?
Brai.Faith,sir,thethingisextraordinary,andthegentlemanmaybeofgreataccount;yet,behewhathewill,ifyouwilllaymedownabraceofangelsinmyhandyoushallhaveit,otherwisenot.
Mat.Howshallwedo,captain?heasksabraceofangels,youhavenomoney?
Bob.Notacross,byfortune.
Mat.NorI,asIamagentleman,buttwopenceleftofmytwoshillingsinthemorningforwineandradish:let'sfindhimsomepawn.
Bob.Pawn!wehavenonetothevalueofhisdemand.
Mat.0,yes;I'llpawnthisjewelinmyear,andyoumaypawnyoursilkstockings,andpullupyourboots,theywillne'erbemist:itmustbedonenow.
Bob.Well,antherebenoremedy,I'llstepasideandpullthemoff.
[Withdraws.
Mat.Doyouhear,sir?wehavenostoreofmoneyatthistime,butyoushallhavegoodpawns;lookyou,sir,thisjewel,andthatgentleman'ssilkstockings;becausewewouldhaveitdispatch'derewewenttoourchambers.
Brai.Iamcontent,sir;Iwillgetyouthewarrantpresently.What'shisname,sayyou?Downright?
Mat.Ay,ay,GeorgeDownright.
Brai.Whatmannerofmanishe?
Mat.Atallbigm;m,sir;hegoesinacloakmostcommonlyofsilk-russet,laidaboutwithrussetlace.
Brai."Tisverygood,sir.
Mat.Here,sir,here'smyjewel.
Bob.[returning.']Andherearemystockings.
Brai.Well,gentlemen,I'llprocureyouthiswarrantpresently;butwhowillyouhavetoserveit?
Mat.That'strue,captain:thatmustbeconsidered.
Bob.Bodyo'me,Iknownot;'tisserviceofdanger.
Brai.Why,youwerebestgetoneo'thevarletsofthecity,aserjeant:I'llappointyouone,ifyouplease.
Mat.Willyou,sir?why,wecanwishnobetter.
Bob.We'llleaveittoyou,sir.[ExeuntBob.andMat.
Brai.Thisisrare!NowwillIgoandpawnthiscloakofthejustice'sman'satthebroker's,foravarlet'ssuit,andbethevarletmyself;andgeteithermorepawns,ormoremoneyofDownright,forthearrest.[Exit.
SCENEVIII.—TheLanebeforeCOB'SHouse.EnterKNOWELL.
Know.Oh,hereitis;IamgladIhavefounditnow;Ho!whoiswithinhere?
Tib.[within.']Iamwithin,sir;what'syourpleasure?
Know.Toknowwhoiswithinbesideyourself.
Tib.Why,sir,youarenoconstable,Ihope?
Know.0,fearyoutheconstable?thenIdoubtnot,Youhavesomeguestswithindeservethatfear;I'llfetchhimstraight.
EnterTIB.
Tib.0'God'sname,sir!
Know.Goto:cometellme,isnotyoungKnowellhere?Tib.YoungKnowell!Iknownonesuch,sir,o'minehonesty.Know.Yourhonesty,dame!itfliestoolightlyfromyou.Thereis
nowaybutfetchtheconstable.
Tib.Theconstable!themanismad,Ithink.
[Exit,andclapstothedoort
EnterDameKITELYandCASH.
Cash.Ho!whokeepshousehere?Know.O,thisisthefemalecopesmateofmyson:NowshallImeethimstraight.
DameK.Knock,Thomas,hard.
Cash.Ho,goodwife!
Re-enterTIB.
Tib.Why,what'sthematterwithyou?
DameK.Why,woman,grievesityoutoopeyourdoor?Belikeyougetsomethingtokeepitshut.Tib.Whatmeanthesequestions,prayye?DameK.Sostrangeyoumakeit!isnotmyhusbandhere?
Know.Herhusband1
DameK.Mytriedhusband,masterKitely?
Tib.Ihopeheneedsnottobetriedhere.
DameK.No,darne,hedoesitnotforneed,butpleasure.
Tib.Neitherforneednorpleasureishehere.
Know.Thisisbutadevicetobalkmewithal:
EnterKITELY,muffledinhiscloak.
Soft,whoisthis?'tisnotmysondisguised?
DameK.{spiesherhusband,andrunstohim.]0,sir,haveIforestall'dyourhonestmarket,
Foundyourclosewalks?Youstandamazednow,doyou?I'faith,IamgladIhavesmok'dyouyetatlast.Whatisyourjewel,trow?In,come,let'sseeher;Fetchforthyourhousewife,dame;ifshebefairer,Inanyhonestjudgment,thanmyself,I'llbecontentwithit:butsheischange,Shefeedsyoufat,shesoothesyourappetite,Andyouarewell!Yourwife,anhonestwoman,Ismeattwicesodtoyou,sir!O,youtreachour!
Know.Shecannotcounterfeitthuspalpably.
Kit.Outonthymorethanstrumpetimpudence!Steal'stthouthustothyhaunts?andhaveI
takenThybawdandthee,andthycompanion,Thishoary-headedletcher,thisoldgoat,Closeatyourvillainy,andwould'stthou'senseitWiththisstaleharlot'sjest,accusingme?O,oldincontinent,[toKnowelL]dostthounotshame,Whenallthypowersinchastityarespent,Tohaveamindsohot?andtoentice,Andfeedtheenticementsofalustfulwoman?
l>ameK.Out,Idefythee,I,dissemblingwretch!
Kit.Defyme,strumpet!Askthypanderhere,Canhedenyit;orthatwickedelder?
Know.Why,hearyou,sir.
Kit.Tut,tut,tut;neverspeak:
Thyguiltyconsciencewilldiscoverthee.
Know.Whatlunacyisthis,thathauntsthisman?
Kit.Well,goodwifebawd,Cob'swife,andyou,Thatmakeyourhusbandsuchanoddy-cloddy;Andyou,youngapple-squire,andoldcuckold-maker;I'llhaveyoueveryonebeforeajustice:Nay,youshallanswerit,Ichargeyougo.
Know.Marry,withallmyheart,sir,Igowillingly;ThoughIdotastethisasatrickputonme,Topunishmyimpertinentsearch,andjustly,Andhalfforgivemysonforthedevice.
Kit.Come,willyougo?
DameK.Go!tothvshamebelieveit.
EnterCOB.
Cob.Why,what'sthematterhere,what'sheretodo?
Kit.0,Cob,artthoucome?Ihavebeenabused,Andinthyhouse;wasnevermansowrong'd!
Cob.'Slid,inmyhouse,mymasterKitely!whowrongsyouinmyhouse?
Kit.Marry,younglustinold,andoldinyounghere:Thywife'stheirbawd,herehaveItakenthem.
Cob.How,bawd!ismyhousecometothat?AmIpreferr'dthither?DidInotchargeyoutokeepyourdoorsshut,Isbel?and—youletthemlieopenforallcomers![Beatshiswife.
Know.Friend,knowsomecause,beforethoubeat'stthywife.Thisismadnessinthee.
Cob.Why,istherenocause?
Kit.Yes,I'llshewcausebeforethejustice,Cob:Come,lethergowithme.
Cob.Nay,sheshallgo.
Tib.Nay,Iwillgo.I'llseeanyoumaybeallowedtomakeabundleofhempofyourrightandlawfulwifethus,ateverycuckoldyknave'spleasure.Whydoyounotgo?
Kit.Abitterquean!Come,wewillhaveyoutamed.[Exeunt.
SCENEIX.—AStreet.EnterBRAINWORM,disguisedasaCitySerjeant.
Brai.Well,ofallmydisguisesyet,nowamImostlikemyself,beinginthisSerjeant'sgown.Amanofmypresentprofessionnevercounterfeits,tillhelaysholduponadebtor,andsays,herestshim;forthenhebringshimtoallmannerofunrest.Akindoflittlekingsweare,bearingthediminutiveofamace,madelikeayoungartichoke,thatalwayscarriespepperandsaltinitself.Well,IknownotwhatdangerIundergobythisexploit;prayHeavenIcornewelloff!
EnterMATHEWandBOBADILL.
Mat.See,Ithink,yonderisthevarlet,byhisgown.
Bob.Let'sgoinquestofhim.
Mat.'Saveyou,friend!arenotyouherebyappointmentofjusticeClement'sman?
Brai.Yes,an'tpleaseyou,sir;hetoldme,twogentlemenhadwill'dhimtoprocureawarrantfromhismaster,whichIhaveaboutme,tobeservedononeDownright.
Mat.Itishonestlydoneofyouboth;andseewherethepartycomesyoumustarrest;serveituponhimquickly,aforehebeaware.
Bob.Bearback,masterMathew.
EnterSTEPHENinDOWNRIGHT'Scloak.
Brai.MasterDownright,Iarrestyouinthequeen'sname,andmustcarryyouaforeajusticebyvirtueofthiswarrant.
Step.Me,friend!IamnoDownright,I;IammasterStephen:Youdonotwelltoarrestme,Itellyou,truly;Iaminnobody'.^bondsnorbooks,Iwouldyoushouldknowit.Aplagueonyouheartily,formakingmethusafraidaforemytime!
Brai.Why,nowyouaredeceived,gentlemen.
Bob.Hewearssuchacloak,andthatdeceivedus:butsee,herea'comesindeed;thisishe,officer.
EnterDOWNRIGHT.
DOH\Whyhownow,signiorgull!areyouturn'dfilcheroflate!Come,delivermycloak.
Step.Yourcloak,sir!Iboughtitevennow,inopenmarket.
Brai.MasterDownright,IhaveawarrantImustserveuponyou,procuredbythesetwogentlemen.
Dow.Thesegentlemen!theserascals![Offerstobeatthem.
Brai.Keepthepeace.Ichargeyouinhermajesty'sname.
Dow.Iobeythee.WhatmustIdo,officer?
Brai.GobeforemasterjusticeClement,toanswerthattheycanobjectagainstyou,sir:Iwilluseyoukindly,sir.
Mat.Come,let'sbefore,andmakethejustice,captain.
Bob.Thevarlet'satallman,aforeheaven![ExeuntBob.andMat.
!>'>w.Gull,you'llgivememycloak.
Step.Sir,Iboughtit,andI'llkeepit.
Dow.Youwill?
Step.Ay,thatIwill.
Dow.Officer,there'sthyfee,arresthim.
Brai.MasterStephen,Imustarrestyou.
Step.Arrestme!Iscornit.There,takeyourcloak,I'llnoneon't.
Dow.Nay,thatshallnotserveyourturnnow,sir.Officer,I'llgowiththeetothejustice's;bringhimalong.
Step.Why,isnothereyourcloak?whatwouldyouhave?
Dow.I'llhaveyouanswerit,sir.
Brai.Sir,I'lltakeyourword,andthisgentleman'stoo,forhisappearance.
Dow.I'llhavenowordstaken:bringhimalong.
I'>ini.Sir,Imaychoosetodothat,Imaytakebail.
Dow.'Tistrue,youmaytakebail,andchooseatanothertime;butyoushallnotnow,varlet:bringhimalong,orI'lls\vin<_ri'y«u.
Brai.Sir,Ipitythe;_r<Mitl-man'scase:here'syourmoneya.irain.
Dow.'S'leins,tellnotmeofmymoney;bringhima\vay,1say.
Brai.Iwarrantyouhewillgowithyouofhimself,sir.
Dow.Yetmoreado?
Brai.Ihavemadeafairmashon't.[Aside.
Step.Mu,tI
Brai.Iknownoremedy,masterStephen.
Dow.Comealongaforemehere;Idonotloveyourhanginglookbehind.
Step.Why,sir,Ihopeyoucannothangmeforit:canhe,fellow?
Brai.Ithinknot,sir;itisbutawhippingmatter,sure.
Step.Whythenlethimdohisworst,Iamresolute.[Exeunt.
ACTV
SCENEI.—ColemanStreet.AHallinJusticeCLEMENT'S
House.
EnterCLEMENT,KNOWELL,KITELY,DameK.,TIB,CASH,
COB,andServants.
Clem.Nay,butstay,stay,givemeleave:mychair,sirrah.You,masterKnowell,sayyouwentthithertomeetyourson?
Know.Ay,sir.
Clem.Butwhodirectedyouthither?
Know.Thatdidmineownman,sir.
Clem.Whereishe?
Know.Nay,Iknownotnow;Ilefthimwithyourclerk,andappointedhimtostayhereforme.
Clem.Myclerk!aboutwhattimewasthis?
Know.Marry,betweenoneandtwo,asItakeit.
Clem.Andwhattimecamemymanwiththefalsemessagetoyou,masterKitely?
Kit.Aftertwo,sir.
Clem.Verygood:but,mistressKitely,howchancethatyouwereatCob's,ha?
DameK.An'tpleaseyou,sir,I'lltellyou:mybrotherWellbredtoldme,thatCob'shousewasasuspectedplace—
Clem.Soitappears,methinks:buton.
DameK.Andthatmyhusbandusedthitherdaily.
Clem.Nomatter,soheusedhimselfwell,mistress.
DameK.True,sir:butyouknowwhatgrowsbysuchhauntsoftentimes.
Clem.Iseerankfruitsofajealousbrain,mistressKitely:but
idyoufindyourhusbandthere,inthatcaseasyoususpected?
Kit.Ifoundherthere,sir.
Clem.Didyou,so!thataltersthecase.Whogaveyouknowledgeofyourwife'sbeingthere?
Kit.Marry,thatdidmybrotherWellbred.
Clem.How,Wellbredfirsttellher;thentellyouafter!Where
Wellbred?
Kit.Gonewithmysister,sir,Iknownotwhither.
Clem.Whythisisameretrick,adevice;youaregull'dinthismostgrosslyall.Alas,poorwench!wertthoubeatenforthis?
Tib.Yes,mostpitifully,an'tpleaseyou.
EveryManinHisHumour619
Cob.Andworthily,Ihope,ifitshallproveso.Clem.Ay,that'slike,andapieceofasentence.—
EnteraServant.
Hownow,sir!what'sthematter?
Serv.Sir,there'sagentlemaninthecourtwithout,desirestospeakwithyourworship.
Clem.Agentleman!whatishe?
Serv.Asoldier,sir,hesays.
Clem.Asoldier!takedownmyarmour,myswordquickly.Asoldierspeakwithme!Why,
when,knaves?Comeon,comeon;[armshimself.}holdmycapthere,so;givememygorget,mysword:standby,Iwillendyourmattersanon.—Letthesoldierenter.[ExitServant.
K/tterBOBADILL,followedbyMATHEW.
Now,sir,whathaveyoutosaytome?
Bob.Byyourworship'sfavour—
Clem.Nay,keepout,sir;Iknownotyourpretence.Yousendmeword,sir,youareasoldier:why,sir,youshallbeanswer'dhere:herebethemthathavebeenamongstsoldiers.Sir,yourpleasure.
Bob.Faith,sir,soitis,thisgentlemanandmyselfhavebeenmostuncivillywrong'dandbeatenbyoneDownright,acoarsefellow,aboutthetownhere;andformineownpart,Iprotest,beingamaninnosortgiventothisfilthyhumourofquarrelling,hehathassaultedmeinthewayofmypeace,despoiledmeofminehonour,disarmedmeofmyweapons,andrudelylaidmealongintheopenstreets,whenInotsomuchasonceofferedtoresisthim.
Clem.0,God'sprecious!isthisthesoldier?Here,takemyarmouroffquickly,'twillmakehimswoon,Ifear;heisnotfittolookon't,thatwillputupablow.
Mat.An'tpleaseyourworship,hewasboundtothepeace.
Clem.Why,anhewere,sir,hishandswerenotbound,werethey?
Re-enterServant.
Serv.There'soneofthevarletsofthecity,sir,hasbroughttwogentlemenhere;one,uponyourworship'swarrant.'''''m.Mywarrant!
S&rv.Yes,sir;theofficersays,procuredbythesetwo.i''ain..Bidliiiudniiein.[ExitServant.]Setbythispicture.
EnterDOWNRIGHT,STEPHEN,andBBAINWORM,disguisedasbefore.
What,MasterDownright!areyoubroughtinatMr.Freshwater'ssuithere?
Jt'tir.1'faith,sir,andhere'sanotherbroughtatmysuit.
Clem.Whatareyou,sir'.'
/i.Airentle'iiun.sir.(),unole!
('h'tn.f'ncle!who,Masterl\M<r,\rll?
Know.Ay,sir;thisisawisekinsmanofmine.
Step.God'smywitness,uncle,Iamwrong'dheremonstrously,hechargesmewithstealingofhiscloak,andwouldImightneverstir,ifIdidnotfinditinthestreetbychance.
Dow.O,didyoufinditnow?Yousaidyouboughtitere-while.
Step.Andyousaid,Istoleit:nay,nowmyuncleishere,I'lldowellenoughwithyou.
Clem.Well,letthisbreatheawhile.Youthathavecausetocomplainthere,standforth:Hadyoumywarrantforthisgentleman'sapprehension?
Bob.Ay,an'tpleaseyourworship.
Clem.Nay,donotspeakinpassionso:wherehadyouit?
Bob.Ofyourclerk,sir.
Clem.That'swell!anmyclerkcanmakewarrants,andmyhandnotatthem!Whereisthewarrant—officer,haveyouit?
Brai.No,sir;yourworship'sman,MasterFormal,bidmedoitforthesegentlemen,andhewouldbemydischarge.
Clem.Why,MasterDownright,areyousuchanovice,tobeservedandneverseethewarrant?
Dow.Sir,hedidnotserveitonme.
Clem.No!howthen?
Dow.Marry,sir,hecametome,andsaidhemustserveit,andhewouldusemekindly,andso—
Clem,.O,God'spity,wasitso,sir?Hemustserveit!Givememylongswordthere,andhelpmeoff.So,comeon,sirvarlet,Imustcutoffyourlegs,sirrah;[Brainwormkneels.]nay,standup,Plluseyoukindly;Imustcutoffyourlegs,Isay.
[FlourishesoverMmwithhislongsword.
Brai.O,goodsir,Ibeseechyou;nay,goodmasterjustice!
Clem.Imustdoit,thereisnoremedy;Imustcutoffyourlegs,sirrah,Imustcutoffyourears,yourascal,Imustdoit:Imustcutoffyournose,Imustcutoffyourhead.
Brai.O,goodyourworship!
Clem.Well,rise;howdostthoudonow?dostthoufeelthyselfwell?hastthounoharm?
Brai.No,Ithankyourgoodworship,sir.
Clem.Whyso!IsaidImustcutoffthylegs,andImustcutoffthyarms,andImustcutoffthyhead;butIdidnotdoit:soyousaidyoumustservethisgentlemanwithmywarrant,butyoudidnotservehim.Youknave,youslave,yourogue,doyousayyoumust,sirrah!awaywithhimtothejail;I'llteachyouatrickforyourmust,sir.
Brai.Goodsir,Ibeseechyou,begoodtome.
Clem.Tellhimheshalltothejail;awaywithhim,Isay.
Brai.Nay,sir,ifyouwillcommitme,itshallbeforcommittingmorethanthis:Iwillnotlosebymytravailanygrainofmyfame,certain.[ThrowsofjhisSerjeant'sgown.
Clem.Howisthis?
Know.MvmanBrainworm!
EveryManinHisHumour621
Step.0,yes,uncle;BrainwormhasbeenwithmycousinEdwardandIallthisday.
Clem.Itoldyoualltherewassomedevice.
Brai.Nay,excellentjustice,sinceIhavelaidmyselfthusopentoyou,nowstandstrongforme;bothwithyourswordandyourbalance.
Clem.Bodyo'me,amerryknave!givemeabowlofsack:ifhebelongtoyou.MasterKnowell,Ibespeakyourpatience.
Brai.ThatisitIhavemostneedof;Sir,ifyou'llpardonme,only,I'llgloryinalltherestofmyexploits.
Know.Sir,youknowIlovenottohavemyfavourscomehardfromme.Youhaveyourpardon,thoughIsuspectyoushrewdlyforbeingofcounselwithmysonagainstme.
Brai.Yes,faith,Ihave,sir,thoughyouretain'dmedoublythismorningforyourself:firstasBrainworm;after,asFitz-Sword.Iwasyourreform'dsoldier,sir.'TwasIsentyoutoCob'supontheerrandwithoutend.
Know.Isitpossible?orthatthoushould'stdisguisethylanguagesoasIshouldnotknowthee?
Brai.O,sir,thishasbeenthedayofmymetamorphosis.ItisnotthatshapealonethatIhaverunthroughto-day.Ibroughtthisgentleman,masterKitely,amessagetoo,intheformofmasterJustice'smanhere,todrawhimouto'theway,aswellasyourworship,whilemasterWellbredmightmakeaconveyanceofmistressBridgettomyyoungmaster.
Kit.How!mysisterstolenaway?
Know.Mysonisnotmarried,Ihope.
Brai.Faith,sir,theyarebothassureaslove,apriest,andthreethousandpound,whichisherportion,canmakethem;andbythistimearereadytobespeaktheirwedding-supperattheWindmill,exceptsomefriendherepreventthem,andinvitethemhome.
Clem.Marry,thatwillI;Ithanktheeforputtingmeinmindon't.Sirrah,goyouandfetchthemhitheruponmywarrant.[ExitServant.']Neither'sfriendshavecausetobesorry,ifIknowtheyoungcouplearight.Here,Idrinktotheeforthygoodnews.ButIpraythee,whathastthoudonewithmyman,Formal?
Brai.Faith,sir,aftersomeceremonypast,asmakinghimdrunk,firstwithstory,andthenwithwine,(butallinkindness,)andstlippinghimtohisshirt,Ilefthiminthatcoolvein;departed,soldyourworship'swarranttothesetwo,pawn'dhisliveryforthatvarlet'sgown,toserveitin;andthushavebroughtmyselfbymyactivitytoyourworship'sconsideration.
Clem.AndIwillconsidertheeinanothercupofsack.Here'stotlif-e,whichhavingdrunkofTthismysentence:Pledgeme.Thouhastdune,orassi-tedtonothing,inmyjudgment,butdeservestobepardon'dforthewitoftheoffence.Ifthymaster,oranymanhere,beangrywiththee,Ishallsuspecthisingine,whileIknowhim,for't.Hownow,whatnoiseisthat?
EnterServant.
Serv.Sir,itisRogeriscomehome.Clem.Bringhimin,bringhimin.
EnterFORMALinasuitofarmour.
What!drunk?inarmsagainstme?yourreason,yourreasonforthis?
Form.Ibeseechyourworshiptopardonme;Ihappenedintoillcompanybychance,thatcastmeintoasleep,andstriptmeofallmyclothes.
Clem.Well,tellhimIamJusticeClement,anddopardonhim:butwhatisthistoyourarmour?whatmaythatsignify?
Form.An'tpleaseyou,sir,ithungupintheroomwhereIwasstript;andIborrow'ditofoneofthedrawerstocomehomein,becauseIwaslothtodopenancethroughthestreetinmyshirt.
Clem.Well,standbyawhile.
EnterE.KNOWELL,WELLBRED,andBRIDGET.
Whobethese?0,theyoungcompany;welcome,welcome!Giveyoujoy.Nay,mistressBridget,blushnot;youarenotsofreshabride,butthenewsofitiscomehitheraforeyou.Masterbridegroom,Ihavemadeyourpeace,givemeyourhand:sowillIforalltherestereyouforsakemyroof.
E.Know.Wearethemoreboundtoyourhumanity,sir.
Clem.Onlythesetwohavesolittleofmaninthem,theyarenopartofmycare.
Wei.Yes,sir,letmeprayyouforthisgentleman,hebelongstomysisterthebride.
Clem.Inwhatplace,sir?
Wei.Ofherdelight,sir,belowthestairs,andinpublic:herpoet,sir.
Clem.Apoet!1willchallengehimmyselfpresentlyatextempore,
MountupthyPhlegon,Muse,andtestify,
HowSaturn,sittinginaneboncloud,Disrobedhispodex,whiteasivory,
Andthroughthewelkinthunder'dallaloud.
Wei.Heisnotforextempore,sir:heisallforthepocketcause;pleaseyoucommandasightofit.
Clem.Yes,yes,searchhimforatasteofhisvein.
[TheysearchMatheiv'spockets.
Wei.Youmustnotdenythequeen'sjustice,sir,underawritofrebellion.
Clem.What!allthisverse?bodyo'me,hecarriesawholerealm,acommonwealthofpaperinhishose:letusseesomeofhissubjects.[Reads.
EveryManinHisHumour623
Untotheboundlessoceanoftht/f
Runsthispoorriver,cJiarg'dwithdreamsofeyes.
How!thisisstolen.
E.Know.Aparody!aparody!withakindofmiraculousgift,tomakeitabsurderthanitwas.
Clem.Isalltherestofthisbatch?bringmeatorch;layittogether,andgivefire.Cleansetheair.[Setsthepapersonfire.]Herewasenoughtohaveinfectedthewholecity,ifithadnotbeentakenintime.See,see,howourpoet'sgloryshines!brighterandbrighter!stillitincreases!O,nowitisatthehighest;andnowitdeclinesasfast.Youmaysee,sictransitgloriamundif
Know.There'sanemblemforyou,son,andyourstudies.
Clem.Nay,nospeechoractofminebedrawnagainstsuchasprofessitworthily.Theyarenotborneveryyear,asanalderman.Theregoesmoretothemakingofagoodpoet,thanasheriff.MasterKitely,youlookuponme!—thoughIliveinthecityhere,amongstyou,Iwilldomorereverencetohim,whenImeethim,thanIwilltothemayoroutofhisyear.Butthesepaper-pedlars!theseink-dabblers!theycannotexpectreprehensionorreproach;they
haveitwiththefact,
K.Know.Sir,youhavesavedmethelabourofadefence.
Clem.Itshallbediscourseforsupperbetweenyourfatherandme,ifhedareundertakeme.Buttodispatchawaythese,yousigno'thesoldier,andpictureofthepoet,(butbothsofalse,Iwillnothaveyouhangedoutatmydoortillmidnight,)whileweareatsupper,youtwoshallpenitentlyfastitoutinmycourtwithout;and,ifyouwill,youmaypraytherethatwemaybesomerrywithinastoforgiveorforgetyouwhenwecomeout.Here'sathird,becausewetenderyoursafety,shallwatchyou,heisprovidedforthepurpose.Looktoyourcharge,sir.
N/<i>.AndwhatshallIdo?
f'Iem.O!Ihadlostasheepanhehadnotbleated:why,sir,youshallgivemasterDownrighthiscloak;andIwillintreathimtotakeit.Atrencherandanapkinyoushallhaveinthebuttery,andkeepCobandhiswifecompanyhere;whom1willintreatfirsttobereconciled;andyoutoendeavourwithyourwittokeepthemso.
.S7'//.I'lldomybest.
Cob.Why,nowIseethouarthonest,Tib,Ireceivetheeasmydearandmortalwifeagain.
Tib.AndIyou,asmylovingandobedienthusband.
Clem.Goodcompliment!Itwillbetheirbridalnii:httoo.Theyaremarriedanew.Come,Iconjuretheresttoputoilalldis-'•"iitent.You,masterDownright,youran^er:you,ina.sterKnouell,yourcares;MasterKitelyandhiswife,theirjealousy.For,Imusttellyouboth,whilethatisfed,Hornsinthemindareworsethanonthehead.
Kit.^ir,thustheygofromme;kissme,sweetheart.
Seewhatadroneofhornsflyintheair,Wingedwithmycleansedandmycredulousbreath!Watch''emsuspiciouseyes,watchwheretheyfall.See,see!onheadsthatthinktheyhavenoneatall!0,whataplenteousworld,ofthiswillcome!Whenairrainshorns,allmaybesureofsome.
Ihavelearn'dsomuchverseoutofajealousman'spartinaplay.Clem.'Tiswell,'tiswell!Thisnightwe'lldedicatetofriendship,love,andlaughter.Masterbridegroom,takeyourbrideandlead;everyoneafellow.Hereismymistress,Brainworm!towhomallmyaddressesofcourtshipshallhavetheirreference:whoseadventuresthisday,whenourgrandchildrenshallheartobemadeafable,Idoubtnotbutitshallfindbothspectatorsandapplause.
[Exeunt.
GLOSSARY
ABATE,castdown,subdue
ABHORRING,repugnant(to),atvariance
ABJECT,base,degradedthing,outcast
ABRASE,smooth,blank
ABSOLUTE(LY),faultless(ly)
ABSTRACTED,abstract,abstruse
ABUSE,deceive,insult,dishonour,makeilluseof
ACATER,caterer
ACATES,cates
ACCEPTIVE,willing,readytoaccept,receive
ACCOMMODATE,fit,befitting.(Thewordwasafashionableoneandusedonalloccasions.See"HenryIV.,"pt.2,iii.4)
ACCOST,drawnear,approach
ACKNOWN,confessedlyacquaintedwith
ACME,hillmaturity
ADALANTADO,lorddeputyorgovernorofaSpanishprovince
ADJECTION,addition
ADMIRATION,astonishment
ADMIRE,wonder,wonderat
ADROP,philosopher'sstone,orsubstancefromwhichobtained
ADSCRIBE,subscribe
ADULTERATE,spurious,counterfeit
ADVANCE,lift
ADVERTISE,inform,giveintelligence
ADVERTISED,"be—,"beitknowntoyou
ADVERTISEMENT,intelligence
ADVISE,consider,bethinkoneself,deliberate
ADVISED,informed,aware;"areyou—?"haveyoufoundthatout?
AFFECT,love,like;aimat;move
AFFECTED,disposed;beloved
AFFECTIONATE,obstinate;prejudiced
AFFECTS,affections
AFFRONT,"givethe—,"face
AFFY,haveconfidencein;betroth
AFTER,afterthemannerof
AGAIN,AGAINST,inanticipationof
AGGRAVATE,increase,magnify,enlargeupon
AGNOMINATION.SeeParanomasie
AIERY,nest,brood
AIM,guess
ALLHID,children'scryathide-and-seek
ALL-TO,completely,entirely("all-to-be-laden")
ALLOWANCE,approbation,recognition
ALMA-CANTARAS(astron.),parallelsofaltitude
ALMAIN,nameofadance
ALMUTEN,planetofchiefinfluenceinthehoroscope
ALONE,unequalled,withoutpeer
ALUDELS,sublimingpots
AMAZED,confused,perplexed
AVUKR,AMU!<!•.,ainb'-r_;ris
AMUKI.K,MARY,awonannotedforhervalouratthesiegeofGhent,1458
AMES-ACE,lowestthrowatdica
AMPHIBOLIES,ambiguities
AMUSED,bewildered,amazed
AN,if
ANATOMY,skeleton,ordissectedbody
ANDIRONS,fire-dogs
ANGEL,goldcoinworthIDS.,stampedwith
thefigureofthearchangelMichaelANNESHCLEARE,springknownasAgnesle
Clare
ANSWER,returnhitinfencingANTIC,ANTIQUE,clown,bufloonANTIC,likeabuffoon
ANTIPERISTASIS,anoppositionwhichenhancesthequalityitopposesAPOZEM,decoction;APPERIL,peril
APPLE-JOHN,APPLE-SQUIRE,pimp,panderAPPLY,attach
APPREHEND,takeintocustodyAPPREHENSIVE,quickofperception;able
toperceiveandappreciateAPPROVE,prove,confirmAPT,suit,adapt;train,prepare;dispose,
incline
APT(LY),suitable(y),opportune(ly)APTITUDE,suitablenessARBOR,"makethe—,"cutupthegame
(Gifford)
ARCHES,CourtofArchesARCHIE,ArchibaldArmstrong,jesterto
JamesI.andCharlesI.ARGAILE,argol,crustorsedimentinwine
casks
ARGENT-VIVE,quicksilverARGUMENT,plotofadrama;theme,subject;matterinquestion;token,proofARRIDE,pleaseARSEDINE,mixtureofcopperandzinc,used
asanimitationofgold-leafARTHUR,PRINCE,referencetoanarchery
showbyasocietywhoassumedarms,etc.,
ofArthur'sknightsARTICLE,itemARTIFICIALLY,artfullyASCENSION,evaporation,distillationASPIRE,trytoreach,obtain,longforASSALTO(Ital.),assaultASSAY,drawaknifealongthebellyofthe
deer,aceremonyoithehunting-fieldASSOIL,solve
ASSURE,securepossessionorreversionofATHANOR,adLr^tingfurnace,calculated
tokeepupacon>t.miln.-atATONE,reconcileATTACH,attack,seizeAUDACIOUS,havingspiritandconfidenceAUTIIF.NTK(AI,),ofauthority,authorised,
trustworthy,^'•niiineAVISI-.ME.NT,rejection,consideration
BenJonson'sPlays
AVOID,begone!getridof
AWAYWITH,endure
AZOCH,MercuriusPhilosophorum
BABION,baboon
BABY,doll
BACK-SIDE,backpremises
BAFFLE,treatwithcontempt
BAGATINE,Italiancoin,worthaboutthethirdofafarthing
BAIARD,horseofmagicpowersknowntooldromance
BALDRICK,beltwornacrossthebreasttosupportbugle,etc.
BALE(ofdice),pair
BALK,overlook,passby,avoid
BALLACE,ballast
BALLOO,gameatball
BALNEUM(BAINMARIE),avesselforholdinghotwaterinwhichothervesselsarestoodforheating
BANBURY,"brotherof—,"Puritan
BANDOG,dogtiedorchainedup
BANE,woe,ruin
BANQUET,alightrepast;dessert
BARB,toclipgold
BARBEL,fresh-waterfish
BARE,meer;bareheaded;itwas"aparticularmarkofstateandgrandeurforthecoachmantobeuncovered"(Gifford)
BARLEY-BREAK,gamesomewhatsimilartobase
BASE,gameofprisoner'sbase
BASES,richlyembroideredskirtreachingtotheknees,orlower
BASILISK,fabulousreptile,believedtoslaywithitseye
BASKET,usedforthebrokenprovisioncollectedforprisoners
BASON,basons,etc.,werebeatenbytheattendantmobwhenbadcharacterswere"carted"
BATE,bereduced;abate,reduce
BATOON,baton,stick
BATTEN,feed,growfat
BAWSON,badger
BEADSMAN,prayer-man,oneengagedtoprayforanother
BEAGLE,smallhound;fig.spy
BEARINHAND,keepinsuspense,deceivewithfalsehopes
BEARWARD,bearleader
BEDPHERE.SeePhere
BEDSTAFF,(?)woodenpininthesideofthebedsteadforsupportingthebedclothes(Johnson);oneofthesticksor"laths";astickusedinmakingabed
BEETLE,heavymallet
BEG,"I'd—him,"thecustodyofminorsandidiotswasbeggedfor;likewisepropertyfallenforfeittotheCrown("yourhousehadbeenbegged")
BELL-MAN,nightwatchman
BENJAMIN,anaromaticgum
BERLINA,pillory
BESCUMBER,defile
BESLAVE,beslabbef
BESOGNO,beggar
BESPAWLE,bespattej
BETHLEMGABOR,Transylvanianhero,pro
claimedKingofHungaryBEVER,drinkingBEVIS,SIR,knightofromancewhosehorse
wasequallycelebratedBEWRAY,reveal,makeknownBEZANT,heraldicterm:smallgoldcircleBEZOAR'SSTONE,aremedyknownby
thisnamewasasupposedantidoteto
poison
BID-STAND,highwaymanBIGGIN,cap,similartothatv^rnbythe
Beguines;nightcapBILIVE(belive),withhasteBILK,nothing,emptytalkBILL,kindofpikeBILLET,woodcutforfuel,stickBIRDING,thieving
BLACKSANCTUS,burlesquehymn,anyunholyriot
BLANK,originallyasmallFrenchcoinBLANK,whiteBLANKET,tossinablanketBLAZE,outburstofviolenceBLAZE,(her.)blazon;publishabroadBLAZON,armorialbearings;fig.allthat
pertainstogoodbirthandbreedingBLIN,"withouten—,"withoutceasingBLOW,puffupBLUE,colourofservants'livery,hence
"—order,""--waiters"BLUSHET,blushingoneBOB,jest,tauntBOB,beat,thumpBODGE,measureBODKIN,dagger,orothershort,pointed
weapon;longpinwithwhichthewomen
fasteneduptheirhairBOLT,roll(ofmaterial)BOLT,dislodge,routout;sift(boulting-
tub)BOLT'S-HEAD,long,straight-neckedvessel
fordistillationBOMBARDSLOPS,padded,puffed-out
breeches
BONAROBA,"good,wholesome,plum-cheekedwench"(Johnson)—notalways
usedincomplimentBONNY-CLABBER,sourbutter-milkBOOKHOLDER,prompterBOOT,"to—,"intothebargain;"no—,"
ofnoavail
BORACHIO,bottlemadeofskinBORDELLO,brothel
BORNEIT,conducted,carrieditthroughBOTTLE(ofhay),bundle,trussBOTTOM,skeinorballofthread;vesselBOURD,jestBOVOLI,snailsorcocklesdressedinthe
Italianmanner(Gifford)BOW-POT,flowervaseorpotBOYS,"terrible—,""angry—,"royster-
ingyoungbucks.(SeeNares)BRABBLES(BRABBLESH),brawlsBRACK,bitch
BRADAMANTE,aheroineinOrlandoFuriosoBRADLEY,ARTHUROF,alivelycharacter
commemoratedinballadsBRAKE,frameforconfiningahorse'sfeet
Glossary
627
whilebeingshod,orstrongcurborbridle;
trap
BRANCHED,with"detachedsleeveornaments,projectingfromtheshouldersof
thegown"(Gifiord)BRANDISH,flourishofweaponBRASH,brace
BRAVE,bravado,braggartspeechBRAVE(adv.),gaily,finely(apparelled)BRAVERIES,gallants
BRAVERY,extravagantgaietyofapparelBRAVO,bravado,swaggererBRAZEN-HEAD,speakingheadmadeby
RogerBacon
BREATHE,pauseforrelaxation;exerciseBREATHEUPON,speakdispraisinglyofBREND,burnBRIDE-ALE,weddingfeastBRIEF,abstract;(mus.)breveBRISK,smartlydressedBRIZE,breese,gadflyBROAD-SEAL,statesealBROCK,badger(termofcontempt)BROKE,transactbusinessasabrokerBROOK,endure,putupwithBROUGHTON,HUGH,anEnglishdivineand
HebrewscholarBRUIT,rumourBUCK,washBUCKLE,bendBUFF,leathermadeofbuffaloskin,usedfor
militaryandSerjeants'coats,etc.BUFO,blacktinctureBUGLE,long-shapedbeadBULLED,(?)boiled,swelledBULLIONS,trunkhoseBULLY,termoffamiliarendearmentBUNGY,FriarBungay,whohadafamiliar
intheshapeofadogBURDEN,refrain,chorusBURGONET,closely-fittinghelmetwith
visor
BURGULLION,braggadocioBURN,markwoodenmeasures("—ingof
cans")
BURROUGH,pledge,securityBUSKIN,half-boot,footgearreachinghigh
upthelegBUTT-SHAFT,barblessarrowforshootingat
buttsBUTTER,NATHANIEL("StapleofNews"),
acompilerofgeneralnews.(SeeCunningham)BUTTERY-HATCH,half-doorshuttingoffthe
buttery,whereprovisionsandliquors
werestored
BUY,"heboughtme,"formerlytheguardianshipofwardscouldbeboughtBuz,exclamationtoenjoinsilenceBI-ZZARD,simpleton1'VANDBY,atonceBY(E),"onthe—,"incidentally,asof
minororsecondaryimportance;atthe
sideBY-CHOP,by-blow,bastard
CADUCEUS.Mercury'swandCALIVER,lightkindofmusketCALLET,womanofillrepute
CALLOT,coifwornonthewigsofourjudges
orserjeants-at-law(Gifford)CALVERED,crimped,orslicedandpickled.
(SeeNares)
CAMOUCCIO,wretch,knaveCAMUSED,flatLAN,knows
CANDLE-RENT,rentfromhousepropertyCANDLE-WASTER,onewhostudieslateCANTER,sturdybeggarCAPOFMAINTENCE,aninsigniaofdignity,
acapofstatebornebeforekingsattheir
coronation;alsoanheraldictermCAPABLE,abletocomprehend,fittoreceive
instruction,impressionCAPANEIS,oneofthe"Sevenagainst
Thebes"CARACT,carat,unitofweightforprecious
stones,etc.;value,worthCARANZA,Spanishauthorofabookon
duelling
CARCANET,jewelledornamentfortheneckCARE,takecare;objectCAROCH,coach,carriageCARPET,table-coverCARRIAGE,bearing,behaviourCARWHITCHET,quip,punCASAMATE,casemate,fortressCASE,apair
CASE,"in—,"inconditionCASSOCK,soldier'slooseovercoatCAST,flightofhawks,coupleCAST,throwdice;vomit;forecast,calculateCAST,cashiered
CASTiNG-GLASS,bottleforsprinklingperfumeCASTRIL,kestrel,falconCAT,structureusedinsiegesCATAMITK,oldformof"ganymede"CATASTROPHE,conclusionCATCHPOLE,sheriff'sofficerGATES,dainties,provisionsCATSO,rogue,cheatCAUTELOUS,crafty,artfulCENSURE,criticism;sentenceCENSURE,criticise;passsentence,doomCERUSE,cosmeticcontainingwhiteleadLiss,assess
CHANGE,"hunt—,"followafreshscentCHAPMAN,retaildealerCHARACTER,handwritingCHARGE,expenseCHARM,subduewithmapic,layaspellon,
silence
CHARMING,exercisingmagicpowerCHARTEL,challenge(HIAP,bargain,marketCHEAR,CHEER,comfort,encouragement;
food,entertainmentCHECKAT,aimreproofatCHEQUIN,goldItaliancoinCHEVRIL,fromkidskin,whichiselasticar.d
pliableCHIAIS,Turkishenvoy;usedforacheat,
swindler
CHILDERMASSDAY,Innocents'DayCHOKE-KAIL,actionwhichdoesnotallow
ofbail
CHRYSOPCEIA,alcliCHRYSUSPEKM,waysofproducinggold
BenJonson'sPlays
CIBATION,addingfreshsubstancestosupplythewasteofevaporation
CIMICI,bugs
CINOPER,cinnabar
CIOPPINI,chopine,lady'shighshoe
CIRCLINGBOY,"aspeciesofroarer;onewhoinsomewaydrewamanintoasnare,tocheatorrobhim"(Nares)
CIRCUMSTANCE,circumlocution,beatingaboutthebush;ceremony,everythingpertainingtoacertaincondition;detail,particular
CITRONISE,turncitroncolour
CITTERN,kindofguitar
CITY-WIRES,womanoffashion,whomadeuseofwiresforhairanddress
CIVIL,legal
CLAP,clack,chatter
CLAPPER-DUDGEON,downrightbeggar
CLAPSHISDISH,aclap,orclack,dish(dishwithamovablelid)wascarriedbybeggarsandleperstoshowthatthevesselwasempty,andtogivesoundoftheirapproach
CLARIDIANA,heroineofanoldromance
CLARISSIMO,Venetiannoble
CLEM,starve
CLICKET,latch
CLIMo'THECLOUGHS,etc.,wordyheroesofromance
CLIMATE,country
CLOSE,secret,private;secretive
CLOSENESS,secrecy
CLOTH,arras,hangings
CLOUT,markshotat,bull's-eye
CLOWN,countryman,clodhopper
COACH-LEAVES,foldingblinds
COALS,"bearno—,"submittonoaffront
COAT-ARMOUR,coatofarms
COAT-CARD,court-card
COB-HERRING,HERRING-COB,ayoungherring
COB-SWAN,maleswan
COCK-A-HOOP,denotingunstintedjollity;thoughttobederivedfromturningonthetapthat
allmightdrinktothefulloftheflowingliquor
COCKATRICE,reptilesupposedtobeproducedfromacock'seggandtokillbyitseye—usedasatermofreproachforawoman
COCK-BRAINED,giddy,wild
COCKER,pamper
COCKSCOMB,fool'scap
COCKSTONE,stonesaidtobefoundinacock'sgizzard,andtopossessparticularvirtues
CODLING,softeningbyboiling
COFFIN,raisedcrustofapie
COG,cheat,wheedle
COIL,turmoil,confusion,ado
COKELY,masterofapuppet-show(Whalley)
COKES,fool,gull
COLD-CONCEITED,havingcoldopinionof,coldlyaffectedtowards
COLE-HARBOUR,aretreatforpeopleofallsorts
COLLECTION,composure;deduction
COLLOP,smallslice,pieceofflesh
COLLY,blacken
COLOUR,pretext
COLOURS,''fearno—,"noenemy(quibble)
COLSTAFF,cowlstaff,poleforcarryinga
COMEABOUT,charge,turnround
COMFORTABLEBREAD,spicedgingerbread
COMING,forward,readytorespond,complaisant
COMMENT,commentary;"sometimeitistakenforaheorfaynedtale"(Bullokar,1616)
COMMODITY,"currentfor—,"allusiontopracticeofmoney-lenders,whoforcedthe
borrowertotakepartoftheloanintheshapeofworthlessgoodsonwhichthelatterhadtomakemoneyifhecould
COMMUNICATE,share
COMPASS,"in—,"withintherange,sphere
COMPLEMENT,completion,completement;anythingrequiredfortheperfectingorcarryingoutofapersonoraffair;accomplishment
COMPLEXION,naturaldisposition,constitution
COMPLIMENT.SeeComplement
COMPLIMENTARIES,mastersofaccomplishments
COMPOSITION,constitution;agreement,contract
COMPOSURE,composition
COMPTER,COUNTER,debtors'prison
CONCEALMENT,acertainamountofchurchpropertyhadbeenretainedatthedissolutionofthemonasteries;Elizabethsentcommissionerstosearchitout,andthecourtiersbeggedforit
CONCEIT,idea,fancy,wittyinvention,conception,opinion
CONCEIT,apprehend
CONCEITED,fancifully,ingeniouslydevisedorconceived;possessedofintelligence,witty,ingenious(hencewellconceited,etc.);disposedtojoke;ofopinion,possessedofanidea
CONCEIVE,understand
CONCENT,harmony,agreement
CONCLUDE,infer,prove
CONCOCT,assimilate,digest
CONDEN'T,probablyconducted
CONDUCT,escort,conductor
CONEY-CATCH,cheat
CONFECT,sweetmeat
CONFER,compare
CONGIES,bows
CONNIVE,givealook,wink,ofsecretintelligence
CONSORT,company,concert
CONSTANCY,fidelity,ardour,persistence
CONSTANT,confirmed,persistent,faithful
CONSTANTLY,firmly,persistently
CONTEND,strive
CONTINENT,holdingtogether
CONTROL(thepoint),bearorbeatdown
CONVENT,assembly,meeting
CONVERT,turn(oneself)
CONVEY,transmitfromonetoanother
CONVINCE,evince,prove;overcome,overpower;convict
Glossary
629
COP,head,top;tuftonheadofbirds;"acop"mayhavereferencetooneorothermeaning;Giffordandothersinterpretas"conical,terminatinginapoint"
COPE-MAN,chapman
COPESMATE,companion
COPY(Lat.copia),abundance,copiousness
CORN("powder-"),grain
COROLLARY,finishingpartortouch
CORSIVE,corrosive
CORTINE,curtain,(arch.)wallbetweentwotowers,etc.
CORYAT,famousforhistravels,publishedasCoryat'sCrudities
COSSET,petlamb,pet
COSTARD,head
COSTARD-MONGER,apple-seller,coster-
l;ir._'T
COSTS,ribs
COTE,hut
COTHURNAL,from"cothurnus,"aparticularbootwornbyactorsinGreektragedy
COTQUEAN,hussy
COUNSEL,secret
COUNTENANCE,meansnecessaryforsupport;credit,standing
COUNTER.SeeCompter
COUNTER,piecesofmetalorivoryforcalculatingatplay
COUNTER,"hunt—,"followscentinreversedirection
COUNTERFEIT,falsecoin
COUNTERPANE,onepartorcounterpartofadeedorindenture
COUNTERPOINT,opposite,contrarypoint
COURT-DISH,akindofdrinking-cup(Halli-well);N.E.D.quotesfromBp.Goodman'sCourtofJamesI.:"Theking...causedhiscarvertocuthimoutacourt-dish,thatis,somethingofeverydish,whichhesenthimaspartofhisreversion,"butthisdoesnotsoundlikeshortallowanceorsmallreceptacle
COURT-DOR,fool
COURTEAU,curtal,smallhorsewithdockedtail
COURTSHIP,courtliness
COVETISE,avarice
COWSHARD,cowdung
COXCOMB,fool'scap,fool
COY,shrink;disdain
COYSTREL,lowvarlet
COZEN,cheat
CRACK,livelyyoungrogue,wag
CRACK,crackup,boast;cometogrief
CRAMBE,gameofcrambo,inwhichtheplayersfindrhymesforagivenword
CRANCH,craunch
CRANION,spider-like;alsofairyappellationforafly(Giflord,whoreferstolinesinDrayton's"Nimphidia")
CRIMP,gameatcar
CRINGLE,drawback,turnaside
CRISPED,withcurledorwavedhair
CROP,gather,reap
CROPSHIRE,akindofherring.(SeeX.E.D.)
CKCss,anypieceofmoney,manycomatampedwithacross
CROSSANDPILE,headsandtails
CROSSLET,crucible
CROWD,fiddle
CRUDITIES,undigestedmatter
.RUMP,curlup
LRUSADO,Portuguesegoldcoin,markedwithacross
CRY("hethatcriedItalian"),"speakinamusicalcadence,"intone,ordeclaim(?);cryup
;;<KING-STOOL,usedfortheduckingofscolds,etc.
UCURBITE,agourd-shapedvesselusedfordistillationUERPO,"in—,"inundress
CULLICE,broth
CULLION,basefellow,coward
CULLISEN,badgewornontheirarmbyservants
CULVERIN,kindofcannon
CUNNING,skill
CUNNING,skilful
CUNNING-MAN,fortune-teller
CURE,carefor
CURIOUS(LY),scrupulous,particular;elaborate,elegantly),dainty(ly)(hence"incurious")
CURST,shrewish,mischievous
CURTAL,dogwithdockedtail,ofinferiorsort
CUSTARD,"quaking—,"politic,"
referencetoalargecustardwhichformedpartofacityfeastandaffordedhugeentertainment,forthefooljumpedintoit,andotherliketrickswereplayed.(See"AU'sWell,etc."ii.5,40)
CUTWORK,embroidery,open-work
CYPRES(CYPRUS)(quibble),cypress(orCyprus)beingatransparentmaterial,andwhenblackusedformourning
DAGGER("—frumety"),nameoftavernDARGISON,apparentlysomepersonknown
inballadortaleDAUPHINMYBOY,refrainofoldcomic
song
DAW,daunt
DEADLIFT,desperateemergencyDEAR,appliedtothatwhichinanyway
touchesusnearly
DECLINE,turnofffrom;turnaway,asideDEFALK,deduct,abateDEFEND,forbidDEGENEROUS,degenerateDEGREES,stepsDELATE,accuseDEMI-CULVERIN,cannoncam-ingaballof
abouttenpoundsDENIER,thesmallestpossiblecoin,being
thetwelfthpartofasou1>iI-ART,partwithDKPENDANCE,groundofquarrelinduello
languageIMsiRT,reward
.N-MKNT,
1)iSTKKATE,rash,:DETECT,allowtobedetected,betray,
informagainstI>i11RHINI,terminateDETRACT,drawback,refuse
BenJonson'sPlays
DEVICE,masque,show;athingmovedby
wires,etc.,puppetDEVISE,exactineveryparticularDEVISED,inventedDIAPASM,powderedaromaticherbs,made
intoballsofperfumedpaste.(See
Pomander)DIBBLE,(?)moustache(N.E.D.);(?)
dagger(Cunningham)
DIFFUSED,disordered,scattered,irregularDIGHT,dressedDILDO,refrainofpopularsongs;vague
termoflowmeaningDIMBLE,dingle,ravineDIMENSUM,statedallowanceDISEASE,debaseDISCERN,distinguish,showadifference
between
DISCHARGE,settleforDISCIPLINE,reformation;ecclesiastical
system
DISCLAIM,renounceallpartinDISCOURSE,processofreasoning,reasoning
faculty
DISCOURTSHIP,discourtesyDISCOVER,betray,reveal;displayDISFAVOUR,disfigureDISPARAGEMENT,legaltermappliedtothe
unfitnessinanywayofamarriagearrangedforinthecaseofwardsDISPENSEWITH,grantdispensationforDISPLAY,extend
DIS'PLE,discipline,teachbythewhipDISPOSED,inclinedtomerrimentDISPOSURE,disposalDISPRISE,depreciateDISPUNCT,notpunctiliousDISQUISITION,searchDISSOLVED,enervatedbygriefDISTANCE,(?)propermeasureDISTASTE,offence,causeofoffenceDISTASTE,renderdistastefulDISTEMPERED,upset,outofhumourDIVISION(mus.),variation,modulationDOG-BOLT,termofcontemptDOLE,givenindole,charityDOLEOFFACES,distributionofgrimacesDOOM,verdict,sentenceDOP,dip,lowbow
DOR,beetle,buzzinginsect,drone,idlerDOR,(?)buzz;"givethe—,"makeafoolofDOSSER,pannier,basketDOTES,endowments,qualitiesDOTTEREL,plover;gull,foolDOUBLE,behavedeceitfullyDOXY,wench,mistressDRACHM,GreeksilvercoinDRESS,groom,curryDRESSING,coiffureDRIFT,intention
DRYFOOT,trackbymerescentoffootDUCKING,punishmentforminoroffencesDUILL,grieveDUMPS,melancholy,originallyamournful
melody
DURINDANA,Orlando'sswordDWINDLE,shrinkaway,beoverawed
EAN,yean,bringforthyoung
EASINESS,readiness
EBOLITION,ebullition
EDGE,sword
EECH,eke
EGREGIOUS,eminentlyexcellent
EKE,also,moreover
E-LA,highestnoteinthescale
EGGSONTHESPIT,importantbusinessonhand
ELF-LOCK,tangledhair,supposedtebetheworkofelves
EMMET,ant
ENGAGE,involve
ENGHLE.SeeIngle
ENGHLE,cajole;fondle
ENGIN(E),device,contrivance;agent;ingenuity,wit
ENGINER,engineer,deviser,plotter
ENGINOUS,crafty,fullofdevices;witty,ingenious
ENGROSS,monopolise
ENS,anexistingthing,asubstance
ENSIGNS,tokens,wounds
ENSURE,assure
ENTERTAIN,takeintoservice
ENTREAT,plead
ENTREATY,entertainment
ENTRY,placewhereadeerhaslatelypassed
ENVOY,denouement,conclusion
ENVY,spite,calumny,dislike,odium
EPHEMERIDES,calendars
EQUAL,just,impartial
ERECTION,elevationinesteem
ERINGO,candiedrootofthesea-holly,formerlyusedasasweetmeatandaphrodisiac
ERRANT,arrant
ESSENTIATE,becomeassimilated
ESTIMATION,esteem
ESTRICH,ostrich
ETHNIC,heathen
EURIPUS,fluxandreflux
EVEN,just,equable
EVENT,fate,issue
EVENT(ED),issue(d)
EVERT,overturn
EXACUATE,sharpen
EXAMPLESS,withoutexampleorparallel
EXCALIBUR,KingArthur'ssword
EXEMPLIFY,makeanexampleof
EXEMPT,separate,exclude
EXEQUIES,obsequies
EXHALE,dragout
EXHIBITION,allowanceforkeep,pocket-money
EXORBITANT,exceedinglimitsofproprietyorlaw,inordinate
EXORNATION,ornament
EXPECT,wait
EXPIATE,terminate
EXPLICATE,explain,unfold
EXTEMPORAL,extempore,unpremeditated
EXTRACTION,essence
EXTRAORDINARY,employedforaspecialortemporarypurpose
EXTRUDE,expel
EYE,"in—,"inview
EYEBRIGHT,(?)amaltliquorinwhichthe
Glossary
herbofthisnamewasinfused,orapersonwhosoldthesame(Gifford)EYE-TINGE,leastshadeorgleam
FACE,appearance
FACESABOUT,militarywordofcommand
FACINOROUS,extremelywicked
PACKINGS,faith
FACT,deed,act,crime
FACTIOUS,seditious,belongingtoaparty,giventopartyfeeling
FAECES,dregs
FAGIOLI,Frenchbeans
FAIN,forced,necessitated
FAITHFUL,believing
FALL,rufforbandturnedbackontheshoulders;or,veil
FALSIFY,feign(fencingterm)
FAME,report
FAMILIAR,attendantspirit
FANTASTICAL,capricious,whimsical
FARCE,stuff
FAR-FET.SeeFet
FARTHIXGAL,hoopedpetticoat
FAUCET,tapster
FAULT,lack;loss,breakinlineofscent;"for—,"indefaultof
FAUTOR,partisan
FAYLES,oldtablegamesimilartobackgammon
FEAR(ED),affright(ed)
FEAT,activity,operation;deed,action
FEAT,elegant,trim
FEE,"in-"byfeudalobligation
FEIZE,beat,belabour
FELLOW,termofcontempt
FENNEL,emblemofflattery
FERE,companion,fellow
FERN-SEED,supposedtohavepowerofrenderinginvisible
FET,fetched
FETCH,trick
FEUTERER(Fr.vaulrier),dog-keeper
FEWMETS,dung
Fico,fig
FIGGUM,(?)jugglery
FIGMENT,fiction,invention
FIRK,frisk,movesuddenly,orinjerks;"—up,"stirup,rouse;"firksmad,"suddenlybehaveslikeamadman
FIT,payoneout,punish
FITNESS,readiness
FITTON(FITTEN),lie,invention
FIVE-AND-FIFTY,"highestnumbertostandonatprimero"(Gifford)
FLAG,toflylowandwaveringly
1I.A'-,ONCHAIN,forhangingasmelling-bottle(Fr.flacon)roundtheneck(SeeX.E.D.)
FLAP-DRAGON,gamesimilartosnap-dragon
1'i.ASKET,somekindofba
IM.AW,suddengustorsquallofwind
iLAWN,custard\,catchfleas
ii.iiR,sneer,laughdrrMvclv
hLisn,feedahawkordoi;withflr^htoinciteittothechase;initiateinbloodshed;satiate
I-L;CKER-MOLSE,bat
FLIGHT,lightarrowFLITTER-MOUSE,bat
FLOUT,mock,speakandactcontemptuously
FLOWERS,pulverisedsubstanceFLY,familiarspiritFOIL,weaponusedinfencing;thatwhich
setsanythingofftoadvantageFOIST,cut-purse,sharperFOND(LY),foolish(ly)FOOT-CLOTH,housingsofornamentalcloth
whichhungdownoneithersideahorse
totheground
FOOTING,foothold;footstep;dancingFOPPERY,foolery
FOR,"-failing,"forfearoffailingFORBEAR,bearwith;abstainfromFORCE,"huntat—,"runthegamedown
withdogsFOREHEAD,modesty;face,assurance,
effronteryFORESLOW,delayFORESPEAK,bewitch;foretellFORETOP,frontlockofhairwhichfashion
requiredtobewornuprightFORGED,fabricatedFORM,stateformallyFORMAL,shapely;normal;conventionalFORTHCOMING,producedwhenrequiredFOUNDER,disablewithover-ridingFOURM,form,lairFox,swordFRAIL,rushbasketinwhichfigsorraisins
werepacked
FRAMPULL,peevish,sour-temperedFRAPLER,blusterer,wranglerFRAYING,"astagissaidtofrayhishead
whenherubsitagainstatreeto...
causetheoutwardcoatofthenewhorns
tofalloff"(Gifford)FREIGHT(ofthegazetti),burden(ofthe
newspapers)FREQUENT,fullFRICACE,rubbing
FRICATRICE,womanoflowcharacterFRIPPERY,oldclothesshopFROCK,smock-frockFROLICS,(?)humorousversescirculated
atafeast(X.E.D.);coupletswrapped
roundsweetmeats(Cunningham)FRONTLUSS,shamelessFROTED,rubbedFRUMETY,hulledwheatboiledinmilkand
spiced
I-HIMr,flout,sneerFucus,dyeFUGEAND,(?)figent:fidgety,restless
(X.E.D.)
FULLAM,falsedice1-CI.MAHT,polecatHiSOME,foul,offensiveFURIBUND,raging,furious
GALLEY-FOIST,city-barge,usedonIM.ivor'sDay,wln-nhewasswornintohi-
oilieratUV-tmmMiT(Ulull.-v)(•AI.LIARD,livelydanceintripletimeGAPE,be<-.m<T.ifirrGAKAOANTUA,Rabelais'giant
BenJonson'sPlays
GARB,sheaf(Fr.gerbe);manner,fashion,
behaviourCARD,guard,trimming,goldorsilverlace,
orotherornamentCARDED,facedortrimmedGARNISH,feeGAVEL-KIND,nameofaland-tenureexisting
chieflyinKent;fromi6thcenturyoften
usedtodenotecustomofdividingadeceasedman'spropertyequallyamong
hissons(N.E.D.)GAZETTE,smallVenetiancoinworthabout
three-farthingsGEANCE,jaunt,errandGEAR(GEER),stuff,matter,affairGELID,frozenGEMONIES,stepsfromwhichthebodiesof
criminalswerethrownintotheriverGENERAL,free,affableGENIUS,attendantspiritGENTRY,gentlemen;mannerscharacteristic
ofgentry,goodbreedingGIB-CAT,tom-cat
GIGANTOMACHIZE,startagiants'warGIGLOT,wantonGIMBLET,gimletGING,gangGLASS("takinginofshadows,etc."),
crystalorberylGLEEK,cardgameplayedbythree;party
ofthree,trio;sideglanceCLICK(GLEEK),jest,gibeGLIDDER,glazeGLORIOUSLY,ofvaingloryGODWIT,birdofthesnipefamilyGOLD-END-MAN,abuyerofbrokengoldand
silver
GOLL,handGONFALIONIER,standard-bearer,chief
magistrate,etc.GOOD,soundincreditGOOD-YEAR,goodluckGOOSE-TURD,colourof.(SeeTurd)GORCROW,carrioncrowGORGET,neckarmourGOSSIP,godfatherGOWKED,from"gowk,"tostandstaring
andgapinglikeafoolGRANNAM,grandamGRASS,(?)grease,fatGRATEFUL,agreeable,welcomeGRATIFY,givethankstoGRATITUDE,gratuityGRATULATE,welcome,congratulateGRAVITY,dignityGRAY,badgerGRICE,cubGRIEF,grievanceGRIPE,vulture,griffinGRIPE'SEGG,vesselinshapeofGROAT,fourpenceGROGRAN,coarsestuffmadeofsilkand
mohair,orofcoarsesilkGROOM-PORTER,officerintheroyalhousehold
GROPE,handle,probe
GROUND,pit(hence"groundedjudgments")GUARD,caution,heed
GUARDANT,heraldicterm:turningthehead
only
GUILDER,Dutchcoinworthabout^d.GULES,gullet,throat;heraldictermforredGULL,simpleton,dupeGUST,taste
HABNAB,by,on,chance
HABERGEON,coatofmail
HAGGARD,wildfemalehawk;hencecoy,wild
HALBERD,combinationoflanceandbattle-axe
HALL,"a—!"acrytocleartheroomforthedancers
HANDSEL,firstmoneytaken
HANGER,looporstraponasword-beltfromwhichtheswordwassuspended
HAP,fortune,luck
HAPPILY,haply
HAPPINESS,appropriateness,fitness
HAPPY,rich
HARBOUR,track,trace(ananimal)toitsshelter
HARD-FAVOURED,harsh-featured
HARPOCRATES,Horusthechild,sonofOsiris,figuredwithafingerpointingtohismouth,indicativeofsilence
HARRINGTON,apatentwasgrantedtoLordH.forthecoinageoftokens(q.v.)
HARROT,herald
HARRYNICHOLAS,founderofacommunitycalledthe"FamilyofLove"
HAY,netforcatchingrabbits,etc.
HAY!(Ital.hai!),youhaveit(afencingterm)
HAYINHISHORN,ill-temperedperson
HAZARD,gameatdice;thatwhichisstaked
HEAD,"first—,"youngdeerwithantlersfirstsprouting;fig.anewly-ennobledman
HEADBOROUGH,constable
HEARKENAFTER,inquire;"hearkenout,"find,searchout
HEARTEN,encourage
HEAVENANDHELL("Alchemist"),namesoftaverns
HECTIC,fever
HEDGEIN,include
HELM,upperpartofaretort
HER'NSEW,hernshaw,heron
HIERONIMO(JERONIMO),heroofKyd's"SpanishTragedy"
HOBBY,nag
HOBBY-HORSE,imitationhorseofsomelightmaterial,fastenedroundthewaistofthemomce-dancer,whoimitatedthemovementsofaskittishhorse
HODDY-DODDY,fool
HOIDEN,hoyden,formerlyappliedtobothsexes(ancienttermforleveret?Gifford)
HOLLAND,nameoftwofamouschemists
HONEANDHONERO,wailingexpressionsoflamentordiscontent
HOOD-WINK'D,blindfolded
HORARY,hourly
HORN-MAD,starkmad(quibble)
HORN-THUMB,cut-purseswereinthehabitofwearingahornshieldonthethumb
Glossary
633
HOFSE-BRFAD-EATTNG,hofSCSWCTCOflCDI
fedoncoarsebread
HORSE-COURSER,horse-dealer
HOSPITAL,Christ'sHospital
HOWLEGLAS,Eulenspiegel,theheroofapopularGermantalewhichrelateshisbuffooneriesandknavishtricks
HUFF,hectoring,arrogance
HUFFIT,swagger
HUISHER(Fr.huissier),usher
HTM,beerandspiritsmixedtogether
HUMANITIAN,humanist,scholar
HUMOROUS,capricious,moody,outofhumour;moist
HUMOUR,awordusedinandoutofseasoninthetimeofShakespeareandBenJon-son,andridiculedbyboth
HUMOURS,manners
HUMPHREY,DUKE,thosewhoweredinner-lessspentthedinner-hourinapartofSt.Paul'swherestoodamonument,saidtobethatoftheduke's;hence"dinewithDukeHumphrey,"togohungry
HURTLESS,harmless
IDLE,useless,unprofitable
ILL-AFFECTED,ill-disposed
ILL-HABITED,unhealthy
ILLUSTRATE,illuminate
IMBIBITION,saturation,steeping
IMBROCATA,fencingterm:athrustintierce
IMPAIR,impairment
IMPART,givemoney
IMPARTER,anyonereadytobecheatedand
topartwithhismoneyIMPEACH,damageIMPERTINENCIES,irrelevanciesIMPF.RTINENT(LY),irrelevaiit(ly),without
reasonorpurposeIMPOSITION,dutyimposedbyIMPOTENTLY,beyondpowerofcontrolIMPRJSS,moneyinadvanceIMPULSION,incitementINANDIN,agameplayedbytwoorthree
personswithfourdiceINCENSE,incite,stirupINCERATION,actofcoveringwithwax;or
reducingasubstancetosoftnessofwaxINCH,"totheir—es,"accordingtotheir
stature,capabilitiesINCH-PIN,sweet-breadINCONVENIENCE,inconsistency,absurdityINCONY,delicate,rare(usedasatermof
affection)INCUBEE,incubusINCUBUS,evilspiritthatoppressesusin
sleep,nightmare
INCURIOUS,unfastidious,uncriticalINDENT,enterintor-i'-nt
INDIFFERENT,toN-raM',;•ableINDIGESTED,shapeless,chaoticINDUCE,introduceINDUK,supplyINEXORABLE,relentlessINPANTED,born,producedINFLAME,augmentcharINGENIOUS,us'.-<lindiscriminatelyforin-
mous;intelligent,talentedINGENUIIY,
INGENUOUS,generous
INGINE.SeeEngin
INGINER,engineer.(SeeE
INGLE,ORENGHLE,bosomLncud,intimate,
minion
INHABITABLE,uninhabitableINJURY,insult,affrontIN-MATE,resident,indwellingINNATE,naturalINNOCENT,simpletonINQUEST,jury,orotherofucialbodyof
inquiry
INQUISITION,inquiryINSTANT,immediateINSTRUMENT,legaldocumentINSURE,assure
INTEGRATE,complete,perfectINTELLIGENCE,secretinformation,newsINTEND,notecarefully,attend,giveearto,
beoccupiedwithINTENDMENT,intentionINTENT,intention,wishINTENTION,concentrationofattentionor
gaze
INTENTIVE,attentiveINTERESSED,implicatedINTRUDE,bringinforciblyorwithout
leave
INVINCIBLY,invisiblyINWARD,intimateIKPE(uncertain),"afantasticgrimace,or
contortionofthebody"(Giliord)
JACK,Jacko'theclock,automatonfigurethatstrikesthehour;Jack-a-ient,puppetthrownatinLent
JACK,keyofavirginal
JACOB'SSTAFF,aninstrumentfortakingaltitudesanddistances
JADE,befool
JEALOUSY,JEALOUS,suspicion,suspicious
JERKING,lashing
JEW'STRUMP,Jew'sharp
JIG,merryballadortune;afancifuldialogueorlightcomicactintroducedattheendorduringaninterludeofaplay
JOINED(JOINT)-STOOL,foldingstool
JOLL,jowl
JOLTHEAD,blockhead
JIMP,agree,tally
JUSTYEAR,noonewascapableoftheconsulshipuntilhewasfoily-three
KELL,cocoon
KELLY,analchemist
KI.MB,comb
KEMIA,vesselfordistillation
I-.IHE,chap,sore
KILDERKIN,smallbarrel
KILL,kiln
KIND,nature;species;"doone's—,"artaccordingtoone'snature
KIRTLI,woman'sgownofjacketandpetticoat
KlSSORDRINKAFOREME,"thisJSa
l.nuiliarexpression,employedwlu-nwhatthespeakerisjustabt»..isanti-
cipatedbyanother"(Giliord;KIT,fiddle
BenJonson'sPlays
KNACK,snap,click
KNIPPER-DOLING,awell-knownAnabaptist
KNITTINGCUP,marriagecup
KNOCKING,striking,weighty
KNOT,company,band;asandpiper,or
robinsnipe(Tringacanutus);flower-bed
laidoutinfancifuldesignKURSINED,KYRSIN,christened
LABOURED,wroughtwithlabourandcare
LADE,load(ed)
LADING,load
LAID,plotted
LANCE-KNIGHT(Lanzknecht),aGerman
mercenaryfoot-soldierLAP,fold
LAR,householdgodLARD,garnishLARGE,abundantLARUM,alarum,calltoarmsLATTICE,tavernwindowswerefurnished
withlatticesofvariouscoloursLAUNDER,towashgoldinaquaregia,soas
imperceptiblytoextractsomeofitLAVE,ladle,baleLAW,"give—,"giveastart(termof
chase)
LAXATIVE,looseLAYABOARD,runalongsidegenerallywith
intenttoboard
LEAGUER,siege,orcampofbesiegingarmyLEASING,lyingLEAVE,leaveoff,desistLEER,leering,or"empty,hence,perhaps,
leerhorse,ahorsewithoutarider;leeris
anadjectivemeaninguncontrolled,hence
'leerdrunkards'"(Halliwell);according
toNares,aleer(empty)horsemeantalso
aledhorse;leeward,leftLEESE,lose
LEGS,"make—,"doobeisanceLEIGER,residentrepresentativeLEIGERITY,legerdemainLEMMA,subjectproposed,ortitleofthe
epigramLENTER,slowerLET,hinderLET,hindranceLEVELCOIL,aroughgame...inwhich
onehuntedanotherfromhisseat.Hence
usedforanynoisyriot(Haluwell)LEWD,ignorantLEYSTALLS,receptaclesoffilthLIBERAL,ampleLIEGER,ledger,registerLIFT(ING),steal(ing);theftLIGHT,alight
LIGHTLY,commonly,usually,oftenLIKE,please
LIKELY,agreeable,pleasingLIME-HOUND,leash-,blood-houndLIMMER,vile,worthlessLIN,leaveoffLINE,"by—,"byruleLINSTOCK,stafftostickintheground,with
forkedheadtoholdalightedmatchfor
firingcannonLIQUID,clearLIST,listen,hark;like,please
LIVERY,legalterm,deliveryofthepossession,etc.
LOGGET,smalllog,stick
LOOSE,solution;upshot,issue;releaseofanarrow
LOSE,giveover,desistfrom;waste
LOUTING,bowing,cringing
LUCULENT,brightofbeauty
LUDGATHIANS,dealersonLudgateHill
LURCH,rob,cheat
LUTE,tocloseavesselwithsomekindofcement
MACK,unmeaningexpletiveMADGE-HOWLETorOWL,barn-owlMAIM,hurt,injuryMAIN,chiefconcern(usedasaquibbleOB
heraldictermfor"hand")MAINPRISE,becomingsuretyforaprisoner
soastoprocurehisreleaseMAINTENANCE,givingaid,orabettingMAKE,mateMAKE,MADE,acquaintwithbusiness,pre-
pare(d),instruct(ed)MALLANDERS,diseaseofhorsesMALTHORSE,drayhorseMAMMET,puppetMAMMOTHREPT,spoiledchildMANAGE,control(termusedforbreaking-in
horses);handling,administrationMANGO,slave-dealerMANGONISE,polishupforsaleMANIPLES,bundles,handfulsMANKIND,masculine,likeaviragoMANKIND,humanityMAPLEFACE,spottedfa<"e(N.E.D.)MARCHPANE,aconfectionofalmonds,
sugar,etc.MARK,"flytothe—,""generallysaidofa
goshawkwhen,having'putin'acovey
ofpartridges,shetakesstand,marking
thespotwheretheydisappearedfrom
viewuntilthefalconerarrivestoput
themouttoher"(Harting,Bibl.Accip,
Gloss.226)MARLE,marvelMARROW-BONEMAN,oneoftenonhisknees
forprayerMARRY!exclamationderivedfromthe
Virgin'snameMARRYGIF,"probablyoriginatedfrom
ByMaryGipcy=St.MaryofEgypt'
(N.E.D.)
MARTAGAN,Turk'scaplilyMARYHINCHCO,stringhaltMASORETH,Masora,correctformofthe
scripturaltextaccordingtoHebrew
tradition
MASS,abb.formasterMAUND,begMAUTHER,girl,maidMEAN,moderationMEASURE,dance,moreespeciallyastately
oneMEAT,"carry—inone'smouth,"bea
sourceofmoneyorentertainmentMEATH,metheglinMECHANICAL,belongingtomechanics;
mean,vulgar
Glossary
635
MEDITKPRAVEO,middleai=leofSt.Paul's,ageneralresortforbusinessandamu>e-ment
MLLTWITH,evenwithMELICOTTON,alatekindofpeachMr-.STKUE,solventMERCAT,marketMLRD,excrement
MERE,undiluted;absolute,unmitigatedMESS,partyoffourMETHEGLIN,fermentedliquor,ofwhichone
dientwashoney
METOPOSCOPY,studyofphysiognomyMIDDLINGGOSSIP,go-betweenMIGNIARD,dainty,delicateMILE-END,training-groundofthecityMINE-MEN,sappersMINION,formofcannonMINSITIVE,(?)mincing,affected(X.E.D.)
•LLANVMADAM,"&femaletraderinmiscellaneousarticles;adealerintrinketsorornamentsofvariouskinds,suchaskeptshopsintheNewExchange"(Nares)
•E,mixedgr'Hey
MISCONCEIT,misconceptionMIS.-RISE,MISPRISION,mistake,misunderstanding
MISTAKEAWAY,carryawayasifbymistakeMITHRIDATE,anantidoteagainstpoisonMOCCINIGO,smallVenetiancoin,worthaboutninepence
iRN,inthemode;ordinary,commonplace
-ceorinfluenceofvalue•-TANTO,upwardstroke
TH'SVIIVD,violentdesireMOORISH,likeamoororwaste
ordofBevisofSouthamptonj'ICE-DANCE,danceson>.etc.,
inwhichcertainpersonageswererepresented
MORTALITY,deathMORT-MAL,oldsore,ganpreneMOSCADINO,confectionflavouredwithmuskMOTHER,H\stericapassio
.osal,request;puppet,puppet-show;"oneofthesmallfiguresonthefaceofalargeclockwhichwasn
..'[..rationofthependulum"
propose
-ofafool;
tosignifypertainingto,orlike,a:MOTTE,motto
RNIVAL,setoffouracesorcourtcardsinahand;aquartette
-heavesofL'rain
Mex]••-.'.eofironyandincredulityMMKISMF.i.ar.'ikerchiefM-LE,"borntorideon—,"judgesorser-;'its-at-lawfumules
vh_'instatetoWestminster
WhaDiM'-LLt;
•:•<HASCE,gameofchance,playedin
iceMUN,must
MUREY,darkcrimsonred
sOVY-GLASS,micaMLSE,wonderMusicAI*,inharmonyMiss,mouse;scrambleMYROBOLANE,foreignconserve,"adried
plum,broughtfromtheIndies"MYSTERY,art,trade,profession
NAIL,"tothe—"(adunguem),toperfection,totheveryutmost
NATIVE,natural
NEAT,cattle
NEAT,smartlyapparelled;unmixed;dainty
NEATLY,neatlyfinished
NEATNESS,elegance
NEIS,nose,scent
NEUF(NEAF,NEIF),fist
NEUFT,newt
NIAISE,foolish,inexperiencedperson
NICE,fastidious,trivial,finical,scrupulous
NICENESS,fastidiousness
NICK,exactamount;rightmoment;"setinthe—,"meaninguncertain
NICK,suit,fit;hit,seizetherightmoment,etc.,exactlyhiton,hitoff
NOBLE,goldcoinworth6s.8d.
NOCENT,harmful
NIL,notwill
NOISE,companyofmusicians
NOMENTACK,anIndianchieffromVirginia
NONES,nonce
NOTABLE,egregious
NOTE,sign,token
NOUGHT,"be—,"gotothedevil,behanged,etc.
NOWT-HEAD,blockhead
NUMBER,rhythm
NUPSON,oaf,simpleton
OADE,woad
OBARNI,preparationofmeadOBJECT,oppose;expose;interposeOBLATRANT,barking,railingOBNOXIOUS,liable,exposed;offer.
-XVANCE,homage,devotedserviceOBSERVANT,attentive,obsequiousOBSERVE,showdeference,respect
-:VER,onewhoshowsdeference,orwaitsuponanother
-ANCY,legalphrase,"juridicalopposi-n"
HEPEROUS,clamorous,vociferous
r,stupefied
ODLING,(?)"musthavesomerelationtotrickingandcheating"(Nares)
sous,deadly,fatalONCE,atonce;forgoodandall;usedalso
foradditionalemphasis'>M.Y,pre-eminent,sp
.,makepublic;expound
obstructionOPPONE,oppose
SITK,antatf'jnistOPPRESS,supjORIGINOUS,nativeOKT,remnant,scrap
BenTonson'sPlays
•fj
OUT,"tobe—,"tohaveforgottenone'spart;notatonewitheachother
OUTCRY,salebyauction
OUTRECUIDANCE,arrogance,presumption
OUTSPEAK,speakmorethan
OVERPARTED,giventoodimcultaparttoplay
OWLSPIEGEL.SeeHowleglass
OYEZ!(OYES!),hearye!callofthepubliccrierwhenabouttomakeaproclamation
PACKINGPENNY,"givea—,"dismiss,sendpacking
PAD,highway
PAD-HORSE,road-horse
PAIXED(PANED)SLOPS,fullbreechesmadeofstripsofdifferentcolourandmaterial
PAINFUL,diligent,painstaking
PAINT,blush
PALINODE,odeofrecantation
PALL,weaken,dim,makescale
PALM,triumph
PAN,skirtofdressorcoat
PANNEL,pad,orroughkindofsaddle
PANNIER-ALLY,inhabitedbytripe-sellers
PANNIER-MAN,hawker;amanemployedabouttheinnsofcourttobringinprovisions,setthetable,etc.
PANTOFLE,indoorshoe,slipper
PARAMENTOS,finetrappings
PARANOMASIE,aplayuponwords
PARANTORY,(?)peremptory
PARCEL,particle,fragment(usedcontemptuously];article
PARCEL,part,partly
PARCEL-POET,poetaster
PARERGA,subordinatematters
PARGET,topaintorplaster^theface
PARLE,parley
PARLOUS,clever,shrewd
PART,apportion
PARTAKE,participatein
PARTED,endowed,talented
PARTICULAR,individualperson
PARTIZAN,kindofhalberd
PARTRICH,partridge
PARTS,qualities,endowments
PASH,dash,smash
PASS,care,troubleoneself
PASSADO,fencingterm:athrust
PASSAGE,gameatdice
PASSINGLY,exceedingly
PASSION,effectcausedbyexternalagency
PASSION,"in—,"insomelancholyatone,sopathetically
PATOUN,(?)Fr.pdton,pelletofdough;perhapsthe"mouldingofthetobacco...forthepipe"(Gifford);(?)variantofPetun,SouthAmericannameoftobacco
PATRICO,therecorder,priest,oratorofstrollingbeggarsorgipsies
PATTEN,shoewithwoodensole;"go—,"keepstepwith,accompany
PAUCAVERBA,fewwords
PAVIN,astatelydance
PEACE,"withmymaster's—,"byleave,favour
PECULIAR,individual,single
PEDANT,teacherofthelanguages
PEEL,baker'sshovel
PEEP,speakinasmallorshrillvoice
PEEVISHLY),fooh'sh(ly),capncious(ly);
childish(ly)PELICAN,aretortfittedwithtubeortubes,
forcontinuousdistillationPENCIL,smalltuftofhairPERDUE,soldieraccustomedtohazardous
servicePEREMPTORY,resolute,bold;imperious;
thorough,utter,absolute(ly)PERIMETER,circumferenceofafigurePERIOD,limit,endPERK,perkupPERPETUANA,"thisseemstobethat
glossykindofstulinowcalledeverlasting,
andancientlywornbySerjeantsand
othercityofficers"(Gilford)PERSPECTIVE,aview,sceneorscenery;an
opticaldevicewhichgaveadistortionto
thepictureunlessseenfromaparticular
point;arelief,modelledtoproducean
opticalillusionPERSPICLL,opticglassPEKSTRINGE,criticise,censurePERSUADE,inculcate,commendPERSWAY,mitigatePERTINACY,pertinacityPESTLING,pounding,pulverising,likea
pestlePETASUS,broad-brimmedhatorwingedcap
wornbyMercuryPETITIONARY,supplicatoryPETRONEL,akindofcarbineorlightgun
carriedbyhorsemenPETULANT,pert,insolentPHERE.SeeFerePHLEGMA,waterydistilledliquor(oldchem.
"water")
PHRENETIC,madmanPICARDIL,stiffuprightcollarfastenedon
tothecoat(Whalley)PICKT-HATCH,disreputablequarterof
LondonPIECE,person,usedforwo-nanorgirl;a
goldcoinworthinJonson'stime2os.or
22S.
PIECESOFEIGHT,Spanishcoin:piastreequaltoeightreals
PIED,variegated
PIE-POUDRES(Fr.pied-poudreux,dusty-foot),courtheldatfairstoadministerjusticetoitinerantvendorsandbuyers
PILCHER,termofcontempt;onewhoworeabun1orleatherjerkin,asdidtheser-jeantsofthecounter;apilferer
PILED,puled,peeled,bald
PILL'D,polled,fleeced
PIMLICO,"sometimesspokenofasaperson—perhapsmasterofahousefamousforaparticularale"(Gifford)
PINE,afflict,distress
PINK,stabwithaweapon;pierceorcutinscallopsforornament
PINNACE,ago-betweenininfamoussense
PISMIRE,ant
P.sroLET,goldcoin,worthabout6s.
PITCH,heightofabirdofprey'sflight
PLAGUE,punishment,torment
Glossary
637
PLAIN,lament
PLAINSONG,simplemelody
PLAISE,plaice
PLANET,"struckwitha—,"planetswere
supposedtohavepowersofblamingor
exercisingsecretinfluencesPLAUSIBLE,pleasingPLAUSIBLY,approvinglyPLOT,planPLY,applyoneselftoPOESIE,posy,mottoinsidearingPOINTINHISDEVICE,exactinevery
particularPOINTS,taggedlacesorcordsforfastening
thebreechestothedoubletPOINT-TRUSSER,onewhotrussed(tied)his
master'spoints(q.v.)POISE,weigh,balancePOKING-STICK,stickusedforsettingthe
plaitsofruflsPOLITIC,politician
POLITIC,judicious,prudent,politicalPOLITICIAN,plotter,intriguerPOLL,strip,plunder,gainbyextortionPOMANDER,ballofperfume,wornorhung
aboutthepersontopreventinfection,or
forfopperyPOMMADO,vaultingonahorsewithoutthe
aidofstirrupsPONTIC,sour
POPULAR,vulgar,ofthepopulacePOPULOUS,numerousPORT,gate;printofadeer'sfootPORT,transportPORTAGUE,Portuguesegoldcoin,worth
over£3or£4PORTCULLIS,"—ofcoin,"someoldcoins
haveaportcullisstampedontheir
reverse(Whalley)
PORTENT,marvel,prodiey;sinisteromenPORTENTOUS,prophesyingevil,threateningPORTER,referencesappear"toalludeto
Parsons,theking'sporter,whowas...
nearsevenfeethigh"(\Vhalley)POSSESS,inform,acquaintPOSTANDPAIR,agameatcardsPOSY,motto.(SeePoesie)POTCH,poachPOULT-FOOT,club-footPOUNCE,claw,talonPRACTICE,intrigue,concertedplotPRACTISE,plot,conspirePRAGMATIC,anexpert,agentPRAGMATIC,officious,conceited,meddlingPRECEDENT,recordofproceedingsPRECEPT,warrant,summonsPRECISIAN(ISM),Puritan(ism),precisenessPREFER,recommendPRESF.NCE,presencechamberPRESENT(LY),immediate'ly),without
delay;atthepresenttime;actuallyPRESS,forceintoservicePRIST,readyPRETEND,assert,allegePREVENT,anticipatePRICE,worth,excellencePRICK,point,dotusedinthewritingofHebrewandotherlangu
PRICK,prickout,markoff,select;trace,track;"—away,"makeoffwithspeed
PRIMERO,gameofcards
PRINcox,pertboy
PRINT,"in—,"totheletter,exactly
PRISTINATE,former
PRIVATE,privateinterests
PRIVATE,privy,intimate
PROCLIVE,proneto
PRODIGIOUS,monstrous,unnatural
PRODIGY,monster
PRODUCED,prolonged
PROFESS,pretend
PROJECTION,thethrowingofthe"powderofprojection"intothecrucibletoturnthemeltedmetalintogoldorsilver
PROLATE,pronouncedrawlingly
PROPER,ofgoodappearance,handsome;own,particular
PROPERTIES,stagenecessaries
PROPERTY,duty;tool
PRORUMPED,burstout
PROTEST,vow,proclaim(anaffectedwordofthattime);formallydeclarenon-payment,etc.,ofbillofexchange;fig.failureofpersonalcredit,etc.
PROVANT,soldier'sallowance—hence,ofcommonmake
PROVIDE,foresee
PROVIDENCE,foresight,prudence
PUBLICATION,makingathingpublicorcommonproperty(N.E.D.)
PUCKFIST,puff-ball;insipid,insignificant,boastingfellow
PUFF-WING,shoulderpuff
PUISNE,judgeofinferiorrank,ajunior
PULCHRITUDE,beauty
PUMP,shoe
PUNGENT,piercing
PUNTO,point,hit
PURCEPT,precept,warrant
PURE,fine,capital,excellent
PURELY,perfectly,utterly
PURL,pleatorfoldofaruff
PURSE-NET,netofwhichthemouthisdrawntogetherwithastring
PURSUIVANT,statemessengerwhosummonedthepersecutedseminaries;warrantofficer
PURSY,PURSINESS,shortwinded(ness)
PUT,makeapush,exertyourself(N.E.D.)
PUTOFF,excuse,shift
PUTON,incite,encourage;proceedwith,takeinhand,try
QUACKSALVER,quack
QUAINT,elegant,elaborated,ingenious,
clever
QUAR,quarry
QUARRIED,seized,orfedupon,aspreyQUEAN,hussy,jadeQUEASY,hazardous,delicate;.L,kill,destroysr,request:inquirySTION,(!•rreofarms
STMAS,oneappointedtomakeofficialinquiry
QUIB,QriBLiv,quibble,quipijuiCK,thehvm^
BenJonson'sPlays
QUIDDIT,quiddity,legalsubtlety
QUIRK,cleverturnortrick
QUIT,requite,repay;acquit,absolve;rid;
forsake,leave
QUITTER-BONE,diseaseofhorsesQUODLING,codlingQUOIT,throwlikeaquoit,chuckQUOTE,takenote,observe,writedown
RACK,neckofmuttonorpork(Halliwell)
RAKEUP,coverover
RAMP,rear,asalion,etc.
RAPT,carryaway
RAPT,enraptured
RASCAL,youngorinferiordeer
RASH,strikewithaglancingobliqueblow,asaboarwithitstusk
RATSEY,GOMALIEL,afamoushighwayman
RAVEN,devour
REACH,understand
REAL,regal
REBATU,ruff,turned-downcollar
RECTOR,RECTRESS,director,governor
REDARGUE,confute
REDUCE,bringback
REED,rede,counsel,advice
REEL,runriot
REFEL,refute
REFORMADOES,disgracedordisbandedsoldiers
REGIMENT,government
REGRESSION,return
REGULAR("TaleofaTub"),regularnoun(quibble)(N.E.D.)
RELIGION,"make—of,"makeapointof,scrupleof
RELISH,savour
REMNANT,scrapofquotation
REMORA,speciesoffish
RENDER,depict,exhibit,show
REPAIR,reinstate
REPETITION,recital,narration
REREMOUSE,bat
RESIANT,resident
RESIDENCE,sediment
RESOLUTION,judgment,decision
RESOLVE,inform;assure;prepare,makeupone'smind;dissolve;cometoadecision,beconvinced;relax,setatease
RESPECTIVE,worthyofrespect;regardful,discriminative
RESPECTIVELY,withreverence
RESPECTLESS,regardless
RESPIRE,exhale;inhale
RESPONSIBLE,correspondent
REST,musket-rest
REST,"setupone's—,"ventureone'sall,one'slaststake(fromgameofprimero)
REST,arrest
RESTIVE,RESTY,dull,inactive
RETCHLESS(KESS),reckless(ness)
RETIRE,causetoretire
RETRICATO,fencingterm
RETRIEVE,rediscoveryofgameoncesprung
RETURNS,venturessentabroad,forthesafereturnofwhichsomuchmoneyisreceived
REVERBERATE,dissolveorblendbyreflectedheat
REVERSE,REVERSO,back-handedthrust,
etc.,infencing
REVISE,reconsiderasentenceRHEUM,spleen,capriceRIBIBE,abusivetermforanoldwomanRID,destroy,doawaywithRIFLING,raffling,dicingRING,"crackedwithinthe—,"coinsso
crackedwereunfitforcurrencyRISSE,risen,roseRIVELLED,wrinkledROARER,swaggererROCHET,fishofthegurnetkindROCK,distaff
RODOMONTADO,braggadocioROGUE,vagrant,vagabondRONDEL,"aroundmarkinthescoreofa
public-house"(Nares);roundelROOK,sharper;fool,dupeROSAKER,similartoratsbaneROSA-SOLIS,aspicedspirituousliquorROSES,rosettesROUND,"gentlemenofthe—,"officersof
inferiorrankROUNDTRUNKS,trunkhose,shortloose
breechesreachingalmostorquitetothe
knees
ROUSE,carouse,bumperROVER,arrowusedforshootingatarandom
markatuncertaindistanceROWLY-POWLY,roly-polyRUDE,RUDENESS,unpolished,rough(ness),
coarse(ness)
RUFFLE,flaunt,swaggerRUG,coarsefriezeRUG-GOWNS,gownmadeofrugRUSH,referencetorusheswithwhichthe
floorswerethenstrewnRUSHER,onewhostrewedthefloorwith
rushesRLSSET,homespunclothofneutralor
reddish-browncolour
SACK,loose,flowinggown
SADLY,seriously,withgravity
SAD(NESS),sober,serious(ness)
SAFFI,bailiffs
jST.THOMASAWATERINGS,placeinSurreywherecriminalswereexecuted
SAKER,smallpieceofordnance
SALT,leap
SALT,lascivious
SAMPSUCHINE,sweetmarjoram
SARABAND,aslowdance
SATURNALS,beganDecember17
SAUCINESS,presumption,insolence
SAUCY,bold,impudent,wanton
SAUNA(Lat.),agestureofcontempt
SAVOUR,perceive;gratify,please;topartakeofthenature
SAY,sample
SAY,assay,try
SCALD,wordofcontempt,implyingdirtanddisease
SCALLION,shalot,smallonion
SCAXDERBAG,"namewhichtheTurks(inallusiontoAlexandertheGreat)gavetothebraveCastriot,chiefofAlbania,withwhomtheyhadcontinualwars.His
Glossary
639
romanticlifehadjustbeentranslated"(Gifford)
SCAPE,escape
SCARAB,beetle
SCARTOCCIO,foldofpaper,cover,cartouch,cartridge
SCONCE,head
SCOPE,aim
SCOTANDLOT,tax,contribution(formerlyaparishassessment)
SCOTOMY,dizzinessinthehead
SCOUR,purge
SCOURSE,deal,swap
SCRATCHES,diseaseofhorses
SCROYLE,mean,rascallyfellow
SCRUPLE,doubt
SEAL,puthandtothegivingupofpropertyorrights
SEALED,stampedasgenuine
SEAM-RENT,ragged
SEAMINGLACES,insertionoredging
SEARUP,closebysearing,burning
SEARCED,sifted
SECRETARY,abletokeepasecret
SECULAR,worldly,ordinary,commonplace
SECURE,confident
SEELIE,happy,blest
SEISIN,legalterm:possession
SELLARY,lewdperson
SEMBLABLY,similarly
SEMINARY,aRomishpriesteducatedinaforeignseminary
SENSELESS,insensible,withoutsenseorfeeling
SENSIBLY,perceptibly
SENSIVE,sensitive
SENSUAL,pertainingtothephysicalormaterial
SERENE,harmfuldewofevening
SERICON,redtincture
SERVANT,lover
SERVICES,doughtydeedsofarms
SESTERCE,Romancoppercoin
SET,stake,wager
SETUP,drill
SETS,deepplaitsoftheruff
SEWER,officerwhoservedupthefeast,andbroughtwaterforthehandsoftheguests
SHAPE,asuitbywayofdisguise
SHIFT,fraud,dodge
SHIFTER,cheat
SHITTLE,shuttle;"shittle-cock,"shuttlecock
SHOT,tavernreckoning;
SHOT-CLOG,oneonlytoleratedbecausehepaidtheshot(reckoning)fortherest
SHOT-FREE,scot-free,nothavingtopay
SHOVE-GROAT,lowkindofgamblingamusement,perhapssomewhatofthenatureofpitchandt
SHOT-SHARKS,drawers
.SHREWD,mischievous,malicious,curstr.wDLY,keenly,inahighdegree
SHRIVE,sheriff;postsweresetupbeforehisdoorforproclamations,ortoindicatehisresidence
SHROVING,Shrovetide,seasonofmerriment
SIGILLA,seal,mark
SILENCEDBRETHREN,MINISTERS,thoseoftheChurchorNonconformistswhohadbeensilenced,deprived,etc.
SILLY,simple,harmless
SIMPLE,silly,witless;plain,true
SIMPLES,herbs
SINGLE,termofchase,signifyingwhenthehuntedstagisseparatedfromtheherd,orforcedtobreakcovert
SINGLE,weak,silly
SINGLE-MONEY,smallchange
SINGULAR,unique,supreme
SI-QUIS,bill,advertisement
SKELDRING,gettingmoneyunderfalsepretences;swindling
SKILL,"it—snot,"mattersnot
SKINK(ER),pour,draw(er),tapster
SKIRT,tail
SLEEK,smooth
SLICE,fireshovelorpan(dial.)
SLICK,sleek,smooth
'SLID,'SLIGHT,'SPRECIOUS,irreverentoaths
SLIGHT,sleight,cunning,cleverness;tnck
SLIP,counterfeitcoin,bastard
SLIPPERY,polishedandshining
SLOPS,largeloosebreeches
SLOT,printofastag'sfoot
SLUR,putasluron;cheat(byslidingadieinsomeway)
SMELT,gull,simpleton
SNORLE,"perhapssnarl,asPuppyisaddressed"(Cunningham)
SNOTTERIE,filth
SNUFF,anger,resentment;"takein—,"takeoffenceat
SNUFFERS,smallopensilverdishesforholdingsnuff,orreceptacleforplacingsnuffersin(Halliwell)
SOCK,shoewornbycomicactors
SOD,seethe
SOGGY,soaked,sodden
SOIL,"take—,"saidofahuntedstagwhenhetakestothewaterforsafety
SOL,sou
SOLDADOES,soldiers
SOLICIT,rouse,excitetoaction
SOOTH,flattery,cajolery
SOOTHE,flatter,humour
SOPHISTICATE,adulterate
SORT,company,party;rank,degree
SORT,suit,fit;select
SOUSE,ear
SOUSED("DevilisanAss"),fol.read"sou't,"whichDyceinterpretsas"avarietyofthespellingofshu'd:tos/iuistoscareabirdaway."(SeehisWetsttr,P-350)
SOWTER,cobbler
SPAGYRICA,chemistryaccordingtotheteachingsofParacelsus
SPAR,bar
SPEAK,makeknown,proclaim
SPECULATION,powerofsi
SPED,tohavefaredwell,prospered
SIT.ECE,species
SPIGHT,anger,rancour
SrixxER,spider
SPINSTRY,lewdperson
SPITTLE,hospital,lazar-bouse
Benjonson'sPlays
SPLEEN,consideredtheseatoftheemotions
SPLEEN,caprice,humour,mood
SPRUNT,spruce
SPURGE,foam
SPUR-RYAL,goldcoinworth155.
SO.UIRE,square,measure;"bythe—,"
exactly
STAGGERING,wavering,hesitatingSTAIN,disparagement,disgraceSTALE,decoy,orcover,stalking-horseSTALE,makecheap,commonSTALK,approachstealthilyorundercoverSTALL,forestallSTANDARD,suitSTAPLE,market,emporiumSTARK,downright
STARTING-HOLES,loopholesofescape:?:/-.IE,dignity;canopiedchairofstate;
estateSTATUMINATE,supportvinesbypolesor
stakes;usedbyPliny(Giflord)STAY,gag
STAY,await;detainSTICKLER,secondorumpireSTIGMATISE,mark,brandSTILL,continual(ly),constant(ly)STINKARD,stinkingfellowSTINT,stopSTIPTIC,astringentSTOCCATA,thrustinfencingSTOCK-FISH,saltedanddriedfishSTOMACH,pride,valourSTOMACH,resentSTOOP,swoopdownasahawkSTOP,fiB,stuffSTOPPLE.stopperSTOTE,stoat,weaselSTOUP,stoop,swooc>r=bowSTRAIGHT,straightwaySTRAMAZOUN(ItaLsiramazzone),adown
blow,asopposedtothethrustSTRANGE,likeastranger,unfamiliarSTRANGENESS,distanceofbebaviourSTREIGHTS,ORBERMUDAS,labyrinthof
alleysandcourtshitheStrandSTRIGONIUM,GrauinHungary,takenfrom
theTurksin1557STRIKE,balance(accounts)
.-GHALT,diseaseofhorsesSTROKER,smoother,flattererSTROOK,p.p.of"strike"
V.VEL-PATCHED,strummelisglossed
indialectdiets,as"along,looseand
.evelledheadofhair"STUDIES,studiouseffortsSTYLE,title;pointedinstrumentusedfor
writingonwaxtabletsSUBTLE,fine,delicate,thin:smooth,softSUBTLETY(SUBTILITY),subtledeviceSUBURB,connectedwithlooselivingSUCCUB^,demonsinformofwomenSUCK,extractmoneyfromSUFFERANCE.s_::rrmgSYMMED,termoffalconry:withfull-grown
plumageSUPER-NEGULUM,topersturnedthecup
bottomupwhenitwasemptySuF:-s::r:rs:v=_r-scrupulousSUPPLE,tomakepliant
SURBATE,makesorewithwalkingSURCEASE,cease
SUR-REVERENCE,saveyourreverenceSURVISE,peruseSUSCITABILITY,excitability>\SPECT,suspicionSUSPEND,suspect
jSUSPENDED,heldoverforthepresentSUTLER,victuallerSV.-AD,down,boorS'.VATHBANDS,swaddlingclothesSWINGE,beat
TABERD,emblazonedmantleortunicworn
byknightsandheraiJsTABLE(si,"pairof—,"tablets,note-bookTABOR,smalldrumTABRET,taborTAFFETA,silk;"tuft-taffeta,"amorecostly
silkenfabricTAINT,"—astaff,"breakalanceattilting
inanunscientificordishonourable
mariner
TAKEIN,capture,subdueTAKEMEWITHYOU,letmeunderstand
you
TAKEUP,obtainoncredit,borrowTALENT,sumorweightofGreekcurrencyTALL,stout,braveTANKARD-BEARERS,menemployedtofetch
waterfromtheconduitsTARLETON,celebratedcomedianandjesterTARTAROUS.likeaTartarTAVERN-TOKEN,"toswallowa—,"get
drunk
TELL,count
TELL-TROTH,truth-tellerTEMPER,modify,softenTENDER,show'regard,careforcherish;
manifest
TENT,"take—,"takeheedTEPSE,sweptandpolishedTERTIA,"thatportionofanarmylevied
outofoneparticulardistrictordivision
ofacountry"(Giflord)TLSTON,tester,coinworth6d.THIRDBOROUGH,constableTHREAD,qualityTHREAVES,drovesTHREE-FARTHINGS,pieceofsilvercurrent
underElizabeth
THREE-PILED,offinestquality,exaggerated
.THRIFTILY,carefullyTHRUMS,endsoftheweaver'swarp;coarse
yarnmadefromTHUMB-RING,familiarspiritsweresupposed
capableofbeingcarriedaboutinvarious
ornamentsorpartsofdressTIBICINE,playeronthetibia,orpipe!TICK-TACK,gamesimilartobackgammonTIGHTLY,promptly
TIM,(?)expressiveofaclimaxofnonentityTIMELESS,untimely,unseasonableTINCTURE,anessentialorspiritualprinciple
--posedbyalchemiststobetransfusible
intomaterialthings;animpartedcharacteristicortendencyTINK,tinkle
Glossary
641
TIPPET,"turn—,"changebehaviouror
wayoflife
TnSTAFF,stafftippedwithmetalTIRE,head-dress
TIRE,feedravenously,likeabirdofpreyTITILLATION,thatwhichticklesthesenses,
asaperfumeTOD,fox
TOILED,wornout,harassedTOKEN,pieceofbasemetalu~edinplnceof
verysmallcoin,whenthiswasscarceTONNELS,nostrilsTOP,"parish—,"largetopkeptinvillages
foramusementandexerciseinfrosty
weatherwhenpeoplewereoutofworkTOTER,tooter,playeronawindinstrumentTOUSE,pull,rendTOWAKD,docile,apt;onthewayto;as
regards;present,athandTOY,whim;trick;termofcontemptTRACT,attractionTRAIN,allure,enticeTRANSITORY,transmittableTRANSLATE,transformTRAY-TRIP,gameatdice(successdepended
onthrowingathree)(Xares)TREACHOUR(TRECHER),traitorTREEN,woodenTRENCHER,serving-manwhocarvedor
servedfood
TRENDLE-TAIL,trundle-tail,curly-tailedTRICK(TRICKING),termofheraldry:to
drawoutlineofcoatofarms,etc.,withoutblazoning
TRIG,aspruce,dandifiedmanTRILL,trickleTRILLIBUB,tripe,anyworthless,trifling
thing
TRIPOLY,"comefrom—,"abletoperformfeatsofagility,a"jestnominal,"
dependingonthefirstpartoftheword
(Gilford)
TRITE,worn,shabbyTRIVIA,three-facedgoddess(Hecate)TROJAN,familiartermforan
equalor
inferior;thiefTROLL,singloudlyTROMP,trump,deceiveTROPE,figureofspeechTROW,think,believe,wonderTROWLE,troll
TROWSES,breeches,drawersTRUCKMAN,interpreterTRUNDLE,JOHN,well-knownprinterTRUNDLE,roll,gorollingalongTRUNDLINGCHEATS,termamonggipsies
andbegearsforcartsorcoaches(Gilford)TRUNK,speaking-tubeTRUSS,tiethetaggedlacesthatfastened
thebreechestothedoubletTUBICINE,trumpeterTUCKET(Ital.toccato),introductoryflourish
onthetrumpetTriTioN,guardianshipItMBLER,aparticularkindofdogsocalled
fromthemodeofhishuntingTT-MHREL-SLOP,loose,ba_hes
.,excrement11SK,gnashtheteeth(Cen:ur\
T%VIRE,peep,twinkleTWOPENNYROOM,galleryTYRING-HOUSE,attiringroom
UI.ENSPIEGEL.SreHowleglassUMBRATILE,likeorpertainingtoashadowUMBRE,browndyeUNBATED,unabatedUNBORED,(?)excessivelyboredUNCARNATE,notfleshly,oroffi.shUNCOUTH,strange,unusualUNDERTAKER,"onewhoundertookbybis
influenceintheHouseofCommonsto
carrythingsagreeablytobisMajesty's
wishes"(\Vhalley);onewhobecomes
suretyforUNEQUAL,unjust
USEXCEPTED,noobjectiontakenatUNFEAREL-,unaflrightedUNHAPPILY,unfortunatelyUNICORN'SHORN,supposedantidoteto
poison
UNKIND(LY),unnaturalHy)UNMANNED,untamed(terminfalconry)UNQUIT,undischargedUNREADY,undressedUNRUDE,rudetoanextremeUNSEASONED,unseasonable,unripeUNSEELED,ahawk'seyeswere"seeled"
bysewingtheeyelidstogetherwithfine
thread
UNTIMELY,unseasonablyUNVALUABLE,invaluableUPBRAID,makeamatterofreproachUPSEE,heavykindofDutchbeerIHalli
well);"—Dutch,"intheDutchfashionUPTAILSALL,refrainofapopularsongURGE,allegeasaccomplice,instigatorURSHIN,URCHIN,hedgehog!s..interestonmoney;partofsermon
dealingwiththepracticalapplicationof
doctrineUSE,beinthehabitof,accustomedto;
putouttointerestUSQUEBAUGH,whiskyUSURE,usuryUTTER,putincirculation,maketopass
current;putforthforsale
VAIL,bow,dohomage
VAILS,tips,gratuities
VALL.SeeVail
VALLIES(Fr.valise),portmanteau,bag
VAPOUR(S)(n.andv.),usedaffectedly,like
"humour,"inmanysenses,oftenvery
vaguely,andfreelyridiculedbyJonson;
humour,disposition,whims,bragging),
hector(ing),etc.
VARLET,bailiff,orserjeant-at-maceVAUT,vaultVEER(naut.),payoutVEGETAL,vegetable;personfulloflifeand
vigour
Vii.Luih,velvet
\iiVETCUSTARD.Cf."Tamingofthe•••w,"iv.3,82,"cu-tardcoffin,"
coffinbeingtheraisedCHIM<>v.jrapieYhsT.\«id,sell;giveoutletto;scent
si.ullup
BenJensen'sPlays
VENUE,bout(fencingterm)
VERDUGO(Span.),hangman,executioner
VERGE,"inthe—,"withinacertaindistanceofthecourt
VEX,agitate,torment
VICE,thebuffoonofoldmoralities;somekindofmachineryformovingapuppet(Gifford)
VIEANDREVIE,tohazardacertainsum,andtocoveritwithalargerone
VINCENTAGAINSTYORK,twoheralds-at-arms
VINDICATE,avenge
VIRGE,wand,rod
VIRGINAL,oldformofpiano
VIRTUE,valour
VIVELY,inlifelikemanner,livelily
VIZARD,mask
VOGUE,rumour,gossip
VOICE,vote
VOID,leave,quit
VOLARY,cage,aviary
VOLLEY,"at—,""o'thevoice,"atrandom(fromatermoftennis)
VORLOFFE,furlough
WADLOE,keeperoftheDevilTavern,where
JonsonandhisfriendsmetintheApollo
room(Whalley)WAIGHTS,waits,nightmusicians,"band
ofmusicalwatchmen"(Webster),orold
formof"hautboys"
WANNION,"vengeance,""plague"(Nares)WARD,afamouspirateWARD,guardinfencingWATCHET,pale,skyblueWEAL,welfareWEED,garmentWEFT,waifWEIGHTS,"tothegold—,"toevery
minuteparticularWELKIN,skyWELL-SPOKEN,offairspeech
WELL-TORNED,turnedandpolished,asona
wheel
WELT,hem,borderoffurWHER,whetherWHETSTONE,GEORGE,anauthorwholived
1544(?)to1587(?)WHIFF,asmoke,ordrink;"takingthe
—,"inhalingthetobaccosmokeorsome
suchaccomplishmentWHIGH-HIES,neighings,whinnyingsWHIMSY,whim,"humour"WHINILING,(?)whining,weaklyWHIT,(?)amerejotWHITEMEAT,foodmadeofmilkoreggsWICKED,bad,clumsyWICKER,pliant,agileWILDING,esp.fruitofwildappleorcrab
tree(Webster)WINE,"Ihavethe—foryou,"Prov.:I
havetheperquisites(oftheoffice)which
youaretoshare(Cunningham)WINNY,"sameasoldwordwonnc,tostay,
etc."(Whalley)WISE-WOMAN,fortune-tellerWISH,recommend
Wiss(WUSSE),"I—,"certainly,ofatruthWITHOUT,beyondWITTY,cunning,ingenious,cleverWOOD,collection,lotWOODCOCK,termofcontemptWOOLSACK("—pies"),nameoftavernWORT,unfermentedbeerWOUNDY,great,extremeWREAK,revengeWROUGHT,wroughtuponWUSSE,interjection.(SeeWiss)
YEANLING,lamb,kid
ZANY,aninferiorclown,whoattendeduponthechieffoolandmimickedhistricks
DramainEveryman'sLibrary
FRANCISBEAUMONT(1584-1616)
ANDJOHNFLETCHER(1579-1625)
SELECTPLAYS
Sixplayswithglossary.No.506
EVERYMAN,ANDMEDIEVALMIRACLEPLAYS
Newedition,editedbyA.C.Cawley
Thisvolumecontains,apartfromthemoralityEveryman,biblicaldramas,mostofthemCorpusChristipageantsorguildpageantsactedbytradeguildsasepisodesofthewholeCorpusChristicycle;theyhavebeenchosenfortheirintrinsicmeritfromthecyclesofYork,Chester,VVakefield,Coventryand'N.town',withtheadditionofanewlytranslatedexample
oftheCornishplays.No.381
JOHANNWOLFGANGVONGOETHE(1749-1832)
FAUST.BothpartsofthetragedywhicharethecoreofGoethe'slife-work,inthere-editedtranslationofTheodoreMartin.No.335
WEBSTER(1580-1625)ANDFORD(1586-1639)
Webster'sTheWhiteDevilandTheDuchessofMalfi,withFord'sTheBrokenHeartand'TisPityShe'saWhore.No.899
WILLIAMSHAKESPEARE(1564-1616)
COMEDIES;HISTORICALPLAYS,POEMSANDSONNETS;TRAGEDIES.3vols.NoS.
RESTORATIONPLAYS
PlaysbyDryden,\Vycherley,Congreve,Otwny,Farquhar,YanbrughandEtherege.No.604
OLIVERGOLDSMITH(1728-74)POEMSANDPLAYS.No.415
RI(HARDBRINSLEYSHERIDAN(1751-1816)COMPLETEPLAYS.No.'r,
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