TOWARDS BETTER TOWARDS BETTER DYNAMICS & DYNAMICS &

COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION

IN MARRIAGEIN MARRIAGE

(ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVE)(ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVE)

FAMILY-ENDANGERED FAMILY-ENDANGERED INSTITUTION IN AMERICAINSTITUTION IN AMERICA

““The conflicts & tensions that disrupt The conflicts & tensions that disrupt the harmony and even threaten the the harmony and even threaten the survival of individual marriages have survival of individual marriages have increased in frequency and increased in frequency and intensity.” The Challenge of Marriage intensity.” The Challenge of Marriage by Dr.Rudolph Dreikursby Dr.Rudolph Dreikurs

Muslim families are influenced with Muslim families are influenced with this trend. Average divorce rate this trend. Average divorce rate amongst Muslim families is 31% (29-amongst Muslim families is 31% (29-37%) according to one survey.37%) according to one survey.

How to protect ourselves from How to protect ourselves from negative influences?negative influences?

Proper understanding of Islamic Proper understanding of Islamic teachings regarding family dynamics, teachings regarding family dynamics, relationships.relationships.

In depth knowledge of personality and In depth knowledge of personality and the life style of proposed spouse prior the life style of proposed spouse prior to marriage.to marriage.

High level of commitment of spouses High level of commitment of spouses for the marriagefor the marriage

Mutual respect and to resolve conflicts Mutual respect and to resolve conflicts in this spirit following Prophet’s Sunnah.in this spirit following Prophet’s Sunnah.

Objectives of Marriage in Objectives of Marriage in IslamIslam

Ibadah – This is the ultimate goal of Ibadah – This is the ultimate goal of the life of humans on this planet.the life of humans on this planet.

I have only created jinns and men that they may serve Me. Zariat 51:56

The believers men and women are

protectors one of another: they enjoin

what is just and forbid what is evil: they

observe regular prayers practice regular

charity and obey Allah and His apostle.

On them will Allah pour His mercy:

for Allah is Exalted in power Wise.

Tauba 9:71

Objectives of MarriageObjectives of Marriage

Tranquility, Mawaddah, RahmahTranquility, Mawaddah, Rahmah

And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. Room 30:21

Objectives of MarriageObjectives of Marriage

Realizing and fulfilling Sunnah of Realizing and fulfilling Sunnah of creation. Allah (S) created species in creation. Allah (S) created species in pairs to live together and realize pairs to live together and realize their full potential.their full potential.

And of everything We have created pairs: that ye may receive instruction.Zariat 51:49

Objectives of marriageObjectives of marriage

ProcreationProcreation To achieve Ihsaan by fulfilling natural To achieve Ihsaan by fulfilling natural

sexual urges for the purpose of sexual urges for the purpose of procreation strictly in marriage.procreation strictly in marriage.

Fulfilling and satisfying parenthood Fulfilling and satisfying parenthood instinct in loving family environment.instinct in loving family environment.

Stronger society with high morals.Stronger society with high morals. Proper distribution of tasks.Proper distribution of tasks.

Do’s of successful Do’s of successful marriage.marriage.

7 C’s7 C’s1-Commitment1-Commitment2-Courtesy2-Courtesy3-Communication3-Communication4-Care4-Care5-Contentment5-Contentment6-Contribution6-Contribution7-Compromise7-Compromise

CommunicationCommunication

Effective communication reduces Effective communication reduces misconceptions and frequency of conflicts.misconceptions and frequency of conflicts.

4 principles of good communication4 principles of good communication

1- Listening to verbal and body language.1- Listening to verbal and body language.

2-Reflecting- 2-Reflecting-

3-Clarification-Find if you understood right.3-Clarification-Find if you understood right.

4-Empathizing- Put your self in your spouse 4-Empathizing- Put your self in your spouse position. Tell that you understand and careposition. Tell that you understand and care

Communication- Communication-

3 Styles of Dialogue (Suzan Heitler)3 Styles of Dialogue (Suzan Heitler)StrategyStrategy CollaboratCollaborat

iiCombativCombativee

Cut offCut off

GoalGoal Shared Shared understanunderstanding.ding.

To win by To win by inflicting inflicting damagedamage

To avoid To avoid conflictconflict

FormatFormat ConsensuConsensus buildings building

Debate Debate with with hurting hurting commentcommentss

Change Change the topicthe topic

ToneTone Positive, Positive, friendly, friendly, productivproductivee

Adamant, Adamant, irritable, irritable, angryangry

Hidden Hidden tension tension with false with false cheerinescheerinesss

CommunicationCommunication

3 Styles of Dialogue3 Styles of DialoguePurpose of Purpose of listeninglistening

To hear To hear what is what is rightright

To defend To defend against against info info presentedpresented

Listening Listening does not does not occuroccur

ToxicityToxicity Tact Tact minimizes minimizes hurtful hurtful sayingssayings

Toxic Toxic comments comments are used.are used.

Criticism Criticism is avoided is avoided by by avoiding avoiding controvercontroversysy

Attitude Attitude towards towards differencedifference

RespectfulRespectful, , appreciatappreciated ed enjoyed.enjoyed.

Divisive Divisive and lead and lead to to argumentargument

Lead to Lead to disengagedisengagement.ment.

7 Magical S,s7 Magical S,s

1-Sensitivity to other’s feelings.1-Sensitivity to other’s feelings.

Say to My servants that they should (only) say those things that are best: for Satan doth sow dissensions among them: for Satan is to man an avowed enemy. Isra 17:53

7 Magical S’s7 Magical S’s

2- Sincerity2- Sincerity

3-Security3-Security

4- Support4- Support

5-Satisfaction5-Satisfaction

6-Sharing6-Sharing

7-Sexual gratification7-Sexual gratification

5 Wonderful A’s5 Wonderful A’s

1-Adaptation1-Adaptation

2-Accomodation2-Accomodation

3-Appreciation3-Appreciation

4-Anticipation4-Anticipation

5- Acceptance5- Acceptance

Other ingredients of successful Other ingredients of successful marriagemarriage

1-Rahmah ( Compassion, leniency, 1-Rahmah ( Compassion, leniency, kindness)kindness)

2-Mawaddah or true love2-Mawaddah or true love3-Forgiveness3-Forgiveness4- Trust and faithfulness4- Trust and faithfulness5-Open mindedness and 5-Open mindedness and

understandingunderstanding6- Respect6- Respect7-Patience7-Patience

Family dynamics and family Family dynamics and family atmosphereatmosphere

Each spouse must ensure positive, Each spouse must ensure positive, cozy, and warm family atmospherecozy, and warm family atmosphere

Each spouse must feel supported and Each spouse must feel supported and loved.loved.

It is also vital for moldings children’s It is also vital for moldings children’s personality and character.personality and character.

How to attain this atmosphereHow to attain this atmosphereThings to do.Things to do.

Eagerly learn and acquire positive Eagerly learn and acquire positive qualities which promote itqualities which promote it

Adopt attitude of being easy goingAdopt attitude of being easy going Utilize every opportunity to shareUtilize every opportunity to share Use differences in personalities as Use differences in personalities as

complimentary rather than frictioncomplimentary rather than friction Forgive and forgetForgive and forget Use Tazkia to be a better personUse Tazkia to be a better person

Things to avoidThings to avoid

3 B’s 1-Being blunt3 B’s 1-Being blunt

2-Blaming attitude2-Blaming attitude

3- Belittling and ridiculing.3- Belittling and ridiculing.

3 P’s 1-Picking on your spouse3 P’s 1-Picking on your spouse

2-Particular rather being easy 2-Particular rather being easy goinggoing

3- Perfectionist behavior3- Perfectionist behavior

Other things to avoidOther things to avoid

Don’t carry work attitude to homeDon’t carry work attitude to home Never deal based on family status of Never deal based on family status of

spousespouse Do not embarrass your spouseDo not embarrass your spouse Avoid ignoring your spouseAvoid ignoring your spouse Avoid nagging and irritatingAvoid nagging and irritating Avoid being a lonerAvoid being a loner

Conflict resolutionConflict resolution Take initiative and resolve as early as Take initiative and resolve as early as

possiblepossible Forgive and forgetForgive and forget Control your angerControl your anger No name callingNo name calling Keep your coolKeep your cool Reflect upon the root causeReflect upon the root cause Don’t assume your innocence and other’s Don’t assume your innocence and other’s

guiltguilt Set up proper time to discussSet up proper time to discuss Focus on current problem and do not remind Focus on current problem and do not remind

of the pastof the past

Conflict resolutionConflict resolution

Use the best method in discussionUse the best method in discussion Your real enemy is ShaitanYour real enemy is Shaitan Put your ego aside. Do your best to Put your ego aside. Do your best to

keep the family intactkeep the family intact Never go to bed with angry feelings.Never go to bed with angry feelings.

Prophet’s sayings concerning Prophet’s sayings concerning marital relationsmarital relations

Abdullah Ibn Amr reported that the Abdullah Ibn Amr reported that the Prophet(S) said, “ All of this world is Prophet(S) said, “ All of this world is Mata ( valuable) but the best Mata is Mata ( valuable) but the best Mata is a virtuous wife.” Muslima virtuous wife.” Muslim

Abu Huraira ® reported that the Abu Huraira ® reported that the Prophet (S) said, “Treat women Prophet (S) said, “Treat women kindly. Women are created from rib kindly. Women are created from rib and most crooked part of the rib is and most crooked part of the rib is the upper most. If you try to the upper most. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. If you straighten it, you will break it. If you leave it alone, it will remain crooked. leave it alone, it will remain crooked. So give advice to women So give advice to women accordingly. (Agreed)accordingly. (Agreed)

Do not dislike your spouse.Do not dislike your spouse.

Abu Hurairah reported that the Abu Hurairah reported that the Prophet (S) said, “ Let no one dislike Prophet (S) said, “ Let no one dislike his spouse. If he dislikes one quality his spouse. If he dislikes one quality in her, he would find another one in her, he would find another one which is pleasing to him.”which is pleasing to him.”

MuslimMuslim

Family is a testFamily is a test

Nر PجR أ TهRدP ن Xع Tه[ وRالل NةR Pن فXت PمT وPالدTكR وRأ PمT Tك مPوRال

R أ ]مRا Xن رN إ PجR أ TهRدP ن Xع Tه[ وRالل NةR Pن فXت PمT وPالدTكR وRأ PمT Tك مPوRال

R أ ]مRا Xن إNيمXظRعNيمXظRع

Your riches and your children may be Your riches and your children may be but a trial: but in the Presence of but a trial: but in the Presence of Allah, is the highest, Reward.Allah, is the highest, Reward.

Al-Qur'an, 064.015 (At-Taghabun)Al-Qur'an, 064.015 (At-Taghabun)

DuaDua

XمRامrا إ RينXق[ PمTت Xل ل Rا Pن عRل PاجRو vنT RعPي أ Rة قTر] Rا Xن ]ات ي وRذTر} Rا ن XاجRو PزR أ PنXم Rا Rن ل PبRه Rا ]ن ب Rر RونT RقTول ي RينXذ[ وRال

And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous."

Al-Qur'an, 025.074 (Al-Furqan)