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Conflict Management: Escaping the Drama Triangle 4/13/2018

Center for Trauma Informed Innovation|

Truman Medical Centers 1

Headline

Subhead Trauma Informed Care 2.0

Conflict Management:

Escaping the Drama Triangle

Andrea Dalton, MA, MT-BC and Russell Anderson, MPA

Objectives

• Participants will explore conflict and

understand that it often triggers re-enactment

• Participants will define re-enactment (the

drama triangle) as behavior that is rooted in

the neurobiological effects of trauma

• Participants will learn empowering strategies

to escape the drama triangle, both in clinical

and personal interactions




Primary supporting slide Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Modes

Assertiveness

Focus on my

needs, desired

outcomes and

agenda

Cooperativeness

Focus on others’ needs and mutual relationships

Avoiding • Withdraw from the situation

• Maintain neutrality

Accommodating • Accede to the other party

• Maintain harmony

Compromising • Minimally acceptable to all

• Relationships undamaged

Competing • Zero-sum orientation

• Win/lose power struggle

Collaborating • Expand range of possible options

• Achieve win/win outcomes

Primary supporting slide Conflict is Constructive When It:

• Opens up issues of importance, resulting in

their clarification

• Results in the resolution of problems

• Increases the involvement of individuals in

issues of importance to them

• Causes authentic communication to occur

• Serves as a release to pent-up emotion,

anxiety, and stress




Primary supporting slide Conflict is Destructive When It:

• Diverts energy from more important activities

and issues

• Deepens differences in values

• Produces irresponsible and regrettable

behavior such as name calling and fighting

• Destroys morale or reinforces poor self-

concepts

• Polarizes groups and reduces cooperation

Fight

Escalate defense or

offense

Confront the threat

Flight

Avoid the threat

Run or escape

Freeze

Paralyzed by shock or fear

Retreat within,

collapse, or dissociate

Human Stress Response Behaviors




Primary supporting slide

Primary supporting slide Self-Reflection

What are the 3 things I fear the most?

What are the 3 things that trigger my anger?

What are the 3 barriers that trigger my feelings of

frustration?

How do I manage my fear, anger and frustration so I don’t

cause people to feel unsafe?





What is the drama triangle?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovrVv_RlCMw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovrVv_RlCMw




Primary supporting slide What is the drama triangle?

• Three dramatic roles: Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer

• Common, unsatisfactory, repetitive, largely

unconscious behavior that is often rooted in

trauma

• It is possible to play all three roles even in the

same encounter

• When we are stuck in the drama triangle, instead

of resolving problems, we endlessly repeat them

Karpman, 1972

Signs of Re-Enactment

Extreme Thoughts

All, always, every time

Never, no way

Disaster, kill, it’s all over

Strong Emotions

Hopeless, helpless

Furious, irritated, angry

Sad, protective, uncomfortable

Physical Response

Hot or flushed face

Racing heart

Muscle tension




Denies power

Lets the experience

define him or her

Looks to others for

rescue

Relinquishes

responsibility

Feels hopeless

VICTIM

Poor

me!

There’s

nothing I

can do.

They have no

idea how bad

they are making

this for me…

Misuses power

Uses passive aggression

Demands or coerces

Threatens/Bullies

Uses physical force

Finds fault

Blames/shames

PERSECUTOR You will

do what I

say or

else.

This is all

your fault.

You are

stupid.




Helps no matter the cost

Takes the place of

Fixes

Meddles

Encourages dependence

Feels martyred

RESCUER No need

to worry.

I’ll take

care of it

Oh, here.

Let me do

that.

If I don’t fix this,

it won’t get

done.

Pouring Fuel on the Fire • Using force (verbal and/or physical)

• Threatening

• Arguing

• Taking away (including The Silent Treatment)

• Lecturing

• Criticizing

• Public shaming

• Using sarcasm or teasing

• Questions used disrespectfully

• Expressing despair

• One-upping

Latham, 1994




General Effects of Coercion

• Avoid future interaction

• Get even (Fight)

• Escape in the moment (Flight or Freeze)

• Learn coercive behavior (More drama)

• Behave less confidently

• Receive reinforcement for undesirable behavior

• Relationship difficulties and/or failure

We are most often coercive when we:

• Are hungry, angry, lonely, tired

• Have had a bad day

• Are frustrated

• Get over-excited

• Have just been coerced by someone else

• Encounter our “pet peeves”

• Are used to using undesirable behaviors

because of our own past experiences




Primary supporting slide Self-Reflection

Which role in the re-enactment triangle do you think you are most

likely to fall into at work?

What are some of the qualities you have that make you vulnerable

to falling into this role?

What behaviors in the people that you serve are most likely to

trigger you or push you into one of these roles?

What behaviors in other staff members are most likely to trigger

you or push you into one of these roles?

How might a co-worker best intervene with you if he/she feels you

are engaged in a re-enactment?

Escaping

the Triangle

COACH

RESCUER

CONFLICT to

CREATIVITY

Graphic used with permission from Cornerstones of Care




Uses power wisely

Remains true to self

Seeks help responsibly,

appropriately, & clearly

Seeks to learn

Focuses on the future

Denies power

Lets the experience

define him or her

Looks to others for

rescue

Relinquishes

responsibility

Feels hopeless

VICTIM

Empowers others

Communicates directly

Respects boundaries

Models behavior

Provides expectations

Offers alternatives

Commends strengths

Encourages others to link

cause & effect

Misuses power

Uses passive aggression

Demands or coerces

Threatens/Bullies

Uses physical force

Finds fault

Blames/shames

PERSECUTOR




Assists only as necessary

Stands beside

Encourages action of others

Empowers

Expresses confidence

Asks permission

Checks back

Helps no matter the cost

Takes the place of

Fixes

Meddles

Encourages dependence

Feels martyred

RESCUER

What do I need to move myself or others from…

Victim to Driver

Responsibility Empowerment

Persecutor to Guide

Facilitation Skills

Compassionate Leadership

Rescuer to Coach

Boundaries Emotional Presence




Visual Re-Scripting Tool Graphic used with permission from Cornerstones of Care

I already have too

much to do.

I don’t have any help.

I’m being set up to fail.

What screwball

decided this is critical?

My boss is being

unreasonable.

The agency doesn’t care

about us.

I can’t ask my busy co-

workers for help. I’ll just do it.

I have to get this done because

I’m the only one who can do it.

If I don’t do this, it will lead to

disaster.

Graphic used with permission from

Cornerstones of Care




I’m in charge of my time and energy.

I can prioritize my to do list.

What do I need to make this happen?

Am I doing more than I

should?

I’ll ask Sue for help.

That can wait until

tomorrow.

I need to let my boss

know when I’m feeling

overwhelmed.

I can make suggestions

regarding ways we can

be more efficient and

tools that would help.


What a jerk!

I hate all this noise.

She’s so distracting.

I’m going to let her have a

piece of my mind.

That is so disrespectful to

the trainer.

Everyone in my class

shouldn’t have to put up with

this! I’ve got to get her to stop.

I’m missing

important information.

She’s keeping me

from learning.

Why doesn’t the

trainer call her out?

Graphic used with permission from

Cornerstones of Care




I can learn what’s going

on with her.

I can ask for the volume

level to be lowered.

How do you think

we can resolve this?

I wondered if you are

aware of the volume

level and how it is

distracting …


Helping Others




VICTIM

RESCUER PERSECUTOR

“I really lost it yesterday with Brandon. Nikki and Nora were

playing in the backyard with the soccer ball. Brandon took the

ball away and threw it over the fence. I was really angry that

he would bully them that way. I made him stay in his room the

rest of the afternoon. At bedtime Nikki cried and told me it was

her fault that Brandon had to stay in his room. She told me

that Brandon had asked to play with them and she told him

no. She wouldn’t let Nora play either. She wanted the ball all

to herself. That’s why he got mad and threw the ball over the

fence. I felt bad that I did not handle it better. What should I

have done?”

Why am I feeling this way?

What are others feeling?

How can we manage

triggered emotions?

How can I

encourage them

to resolve this

themselves?

How can I avoid

getting pulled

into the triangle?





Steps for Escaping the Drama Triangle

• Remain curious and nonjudgmental

• Evaluate where the power is

• Own your feelings and actions; allow others to own theirs

• Practice alternative behaviors (Driver, Guide, Helper)

Primary supporting slide Thank you!

[email protected]

Additional Trainings:

ctii.eventbrite.com

trauma informed care 2.0 headline conflict management: … sw spring...trauma informed care 2.0...

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