Peacemaker Seminar

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"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the son's of God."Matthew 5:9

"so whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory ofGod. Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just

as I tr! to please everyone in everything I do, n6t seeking my ownadvantage, but that of many, that hey may be saved.

Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ."I Corinthians 10:31-1 1 :1

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NIatt. 7:3-5; I John l:8-9; Prov. 28: l3

Apon n ss everyone involvedtAll those whom you affectedt

Aw <r r o if, but, and maybe(Do not try to excirse your wrongs)

Aotv.lrr specificallyGoth attitudes and actions)

AcxNOwLEDGe thehurt(Express sorrow for hurling someone)

Acc u p l the consequencestsuch as making restitution)

A lre R your behavior(Change your attitudes and actions)

Asx forforgiveness

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l['rrn Fourt Pxcrrr,f rs ES{)F FCTTTGIVE,}It1SSMatt. 6: 1Z; I Cor. l3:5; Eph. 4:32

I will not dwe1l on this incident.I witl not bring this incident up and use it

against you.I r,r,'ill not talk to others about this incident.I will not allow this incident to stand between us

or hinder our personal relationship.

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Phil. 2:3-4; Mal'. 7:12

PrepareAffirm relationshipsl,J ndersta nd i n terestsSearch for creative solutionsE valuate options objectively and reasonably

Copydght o 1996 Peacemaker M tatstries. A{lafte.l fron Tlrc Pcscenxrker:A BiblicqL Gui.te to Resolving Pertlnal Conllictb,y Ken Sande (Baker IJooks,3d. ed. 2004). (,onflifi resolution rtsources for church leaders, adultsand , hildr.n rnJv l)( uhrJin!LI ll)rotrAlr l\ JL rmrkcr \,1,nr\lrr(\.$,\ -n.Peacemaker.net

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u s KB g- gi&} ffi €i.A Commitment to Biblical Conflict Resolution

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A, p"opt" reconciled to God by the death and resurection of Jesus Christ, webelieve that we are called to respond to conflict in a way that is remarkably differentfrom the way the world deals with conflict O{att. 5:9; Luke 6:27-36; Gal. 5:79-26).We also believe that conflict provides oppofiunities to glorify God, serve otherpeople, and grow to be like Christ (Rom. 8:28-29;1 Cor. 10:31-11:1; James 1:2-4).Therefore, in response to God's love and in reliance on his grace, we commitourselves to responding to conflict according to the following principles.

LORrFta (i ooInstead of focusing on our own desires or dwelling on what others may do, we willrejoice in the Lord and bring him praise by depending on his forgiveness, wisdom,power, and love, as we seek to faithfully obey his commands and maintain a loving,merciful,andforgivingattitudetPs.3T: l-6;Mark ll:25; John 14:15;Rom. l2:17-21;I Cor. 10:31; Phil.4:2-9; Col. 3:1-4;James 3:l7-18;4:1-3;1 Peter 2:12).

Gr,r rHE Loc C)rJ-r- or \Icrun Or,vx Errr,insieatlof biamfurg others ioi a confliet or resisting coirecrion, lrE wiiir.rtist rn td's -

merry and take responsibility for our own contribution to conflicts-confessing oursins to those we have wronged, asking God to help us change any attitudes andhabits *rat lead to conflict, and seeking to repair any hann wdtlave caused (Prov. 28:13;Matt. 7:3-5; Luke 19:8; Col. 3:5-14; l John 1:8-9).

Glir.rrrrr Rr:,s:rcrRr,Instead of pretending that conflict doesn't exist or talking about others behind theirbacks, we will overlook minor offenses or we will talk personally and graciously withthose whose offenses seem too serious to overlook, seeking to restore them ratherthan condemn them. When a conflict with a Christian brother or sister cannot beresolved in private, we will ask others in the body of Christ to help us settle thematter in a biblical manner (Prov. 19:11; Matt. 18:15-20; 1 Cor. 6:l-8; Gal. 6:l-2;Eph. 4:29 ; 2 Tim. 2:24-26; James 5:9).

Gcr a.r.ro Elr, Rr.cor\<;rLEDInstead of accepting premature compromise or allowing relationships to wither, wewill actively pursue genuine peace and reconciliation-forgiving others as God, forChrist's sake, has forgiven us, and seeking just and mutually beneficial solutions toour differences (Matt. 5:23-24; 6:12; 7:1,2; Eph. 4:1-3, 32; Phll.2:3-4).

By God's grace/ we will apply these principles as a matter of stewardship, realizingthat conflict is an opportunity, not an accident. We will remember that success in God'seyes is not a matter of specific results, but of faithful, dependent obedience. And wewill pray that our serwice as peacemakers wil bnng praise to our Lord and lead others toknow His infinite love (Ir,4att. 25:14-21;John 13:34-35; Rom. 12:18; 1 Peter 2:79;4:19).

ApPENDIX Aw@l::r;

A PrecEMA KER,S *-TcKLIST

henever you are involved in a conflict, you may apply ttrefour basic principles ofpeacemaking by asking yourself these

questions:

GhiIy God:Howcan I please and honor the Ilrd in this situation?Getthe log oit of your qte:How can I showlesus, work in me by taking

responsibility for my contriburion to this conflict?Gendy restore: How cau I lovingly serve others by helping them take

responsibility for their contribution to this conflict?Go and be reconciled: How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God

and encourage a reasonable solution to *ris conflict? -

The following checklist summarizing the principles presented in thisbook is designed to help you answer the four questions.

GloriS God:lVith God's help, I will seek to gloriff him by:

264 APPendix A

fl Depending on and drawing attention to his grace-that is' his unde-

served love, mercy, forgiveness, suength, and wisdom that he gives

to us through Jesus Christ

flDoing every*ring in my power to live at peace with those around

me

I Remembering that Jesus' reputation is affected by the way I get

along with others

I asHng God to help me to trust him, obey him' imitate him' and

acknowledge him in the midst of conflict

flGuardingagainstSatan'sschemesandfalseteachings'whicharedesigned to promote selfishness and incite conflict

E Using conflict as an oppormnity to serve others

nCooperatingwittrGodasheprunesmeofsinfulattitudesandhabitsand helps me glow to be more like Christ

fl Seeing myself as a steward and managing myself' my resources' and

my situation in such a way that God would say, "Well done' good

and faithful servant!"

Get ttre Log Out of Your EYe

To decide whether something is really worth fighting over' with

God's helP I will:

n Define the issues (personal and material)' decide how they are re-

latedrdealonlywithissuesttrataretooimportanttobeoverlooked'and begin usually wittr personal issues

il Overlook minor ofrenses

I Change my attitude by reioicing in the Lord and remembering how

much he has forgiven me, being gentle toward others' replacing

anxiety with prayer and trust, deliberately thinking about what is

good and right in others, and puning into practice what God has

taught me through the Bible

il carefully consider how much it will cost (emotionally, spirituallg

and financially) to continue a conflict instead of simply setding

itE Use my rights only to advance God's kingdom' to serve others' and

to enhance my ability to serve and grow to be like Christ

Appendix A 265

To identiff desires that may have turned into idols and contributedto this conflict, I will examine my heart by asking myself the fullowingX-ray questions:

n rWhat am I preoccupied with? flMhat is the first thing on my mindin the morning and/or the last *ring at night?)

n How would I fill in this blank? "If only then I would behappy, fulfilled, and secure."

n lVhat do I want to preserve or avoid at any cost?

E IThere do I put my trust?

E What do I fear?

n \When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, re-sentrrent, bitterness, anger, or depression?

n Is there something I desire so much that I am willing to disappointor hurt others in order to have it?

Before talking to others about_ their wrongs, with God's help I willexamine myself by asking:

n am I gurtty of reckless words, falsehood, gossip, slander, or anyother worthless talk?

fl Have I tried to contol others?

I Have I kept my word and fulfilled all of my responsibilities?

E Have I abused my au*rority?f] Have I respected those in authority over me?

I Have I treated others as I would want to be treated?

tr am I being motivated by lusts of the flesh, pride, love of money,fear of others, or wanting good things too much?

Vhen I see that I have sinnedr l will ask for God to help me:

E Repent-ttrat is, change the way I have been thinking so that I turnaway from my sin and turn toward God

fl Confess my sins by using the SevenA's: addressing everyone I haveaffected; avoiding if, but, and maybe; admitting specifically what Idid wrong; acknowledging how I have hurt others; accepting theconsequences of my actions; e:rplaining how I will alter my attitudesand behavior in the future; and asking for forgiveness

266Appendix A

fl change my attitudes and behavior by praying for God's help, delight-

ing myself in the I-ord so *tat I can overcome my personal idols'

studying the Bible, and practicing godly character

Gently Restore

f] when I am esuanged from someone else, I will ask God to help me

discern ttre most effective way to approach him to confess my sins

or show him his fault

fl Even if I work through other people at first, I ruill do all I can to

talk face-to-face eventually so we can both express and confirm

repentance, confession, and forgiveness

fl Nuhen I learn thar someone has something against me, I will go

tothatpersontotalkaboutit,evenifldon,tbelievelhavedone. anYthing wrong

I will consider a sin too serious to overlook if it:

D Is dishonoring God

I Has damaged our relationshiP

I Is hurting or might hurt other people

flls hurting the offender and diminishing his or her usefulness to

God

\yhen I need to show others their fault, with God's help I wili:

E Draw on God's grace so that I can breathe grace to others

fl Oo everything I can to bring hope through the gospel by focusing

on what God has done and is doing for us through Christ

D Listen responsibly by waiting patiendy while others speak, concen-

uating on what they say, clariSing their comments through appropri-

ate questions, reflecting their feelings and concerns wi*r paraphrased

responses, and agreeing with them whenever possible

D Make charitable iudgments by believing ttre best about others until

I have facts to Prove otherwise

I Speak the truttr in love

n,fam from beside people, not from above thern, as a fellow sinner

who needs forgiveness and grace as much as they do

E Help o*rers examine the desires that may be ruling their hearts

AppendixA 267

fl Choose a time and place that will be conducive to a productiveconversation

I faU< in person whenever possible

fl Engage others by using stories, analogies, and meraphors thit touch*reir hearts

n Communicate so clearly that I cannot be misunderstoodf]Plan my words in advance and try to anticipate how others will

respond to me

fl Use "I" statements when appropriateD State objective facts rather than personal opinions! Use *re Bible carefully and tactfrrllyE est for feedback

n Otrer solutions and preferences

[J Recognize my limits and stop talking once I have said what is rea-sonable and appropriate

If I cannot resolve a dispute with someone in private and the matteris too serious to overlook, with God's help I will:

fl Suggest ttrat we seek help from one or more spiritually mature advi-sors who can help both of us see things more obiectively

E If necessary, ask one or two others to talk with us

I Ifnecessary, seek help from our respective churches and respecttheir authority

fJ Co to conrt only if I have exhausted my church remedies, if therights I am seeking to enforce are biblically legitimate, and if myaction has a righteous puipose

Go and Be Reconciled

't$(/hen someone has wronged me, I will ask God to change my heartso that I want to forgive him.

tU(/hen I forgive someone, with God's help I will make these promises:

I t witt not dwell on ttris incident.f] I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.f] t witt nor talk to others about this incident.E t witt not allow this incident to stand between us or ro hinder our

personal relationship.

268 APPendixA

\uflhen I am having a difficult time forgiving someone, with God's help

I will:

I Renounce ttre desire to punish the ot]rer person, to make that person

earn my forgiveness, or to demand guarantees *rat I will never be

wronged again

I Assess my contributions to ttre problem

I lfnecessary, talk wit]r ttrat person to address any unresolved issues

and to confirm rePentance

n Recognize the ways ttrat God is using ttre situation for good

E Remember how much God has forgiven me, not only in *ris situa-

tion but also in ttre Past

n Draw on God's scength through prayer, Bible study, and, if neces-

sary, Christian counseling

IrithGod,shelplwilldemonstrateforgivenessandpracdcettrere-placement princiPle bY:

n Replacing painful thoughts and memories wittr positive thoughts

and memories

flsaying positive things to and about *re percon whom I have for-

given

E Ooing loving and constructive things to and for the person whom

I have forgiven

when I need to negotiate an agreement on material issues, with God's

help I wil PAUSE:

n Prepare thoroughly for our discussions

tr amrm my respect and ccincern for my opponent

fl Understand my opponent's interests

fl Search for creative solutions ttrat will satisff as many of our interests

as possible

n Evaluate various options obiectively and reasonably

I7hen others continue to misueat or oppose me, with God's help Iwill:

Appendix A 269

n Control my tongue and continue to say only what is helpful andbeneficial to others

f] Seek counsel, support, and encouragement from spiritually matureadvisors

n Keep doing what is right no maner what others do to me j

.

I Recognize my limits by resisting rhe temprarion ro take revengeand by remembering that being successflrl in God's eyes dependson faithfulness, not results

D Continue to love my enemy by striving to discern and address hisor her spiritual, emotional, and material needs