True Friendship © 10Publishing 2013 Vaughan Roberts

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Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version.

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Printed and bound by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, England, CR0 4YY

In grateful memory of Piers Cheyne (1965–2006)

Faithful friend for thirty-five years

Acknowledgements 9

Introduction 11

Chapter 1 True Friendship is Crucial 15

Chapter 2 True Friendship is Close 29

Chapter 3 True Friendship is Constant 43

Chapter 4 True Friendship is Candid 55

Chapter 5 True Friendship is Careful 67

Chapter 6 True Friendship is Christ-centred 79

End notes 93

CONTENTS

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I am hugely thankful for all those who have shown me what true friendship looks like in practice. In particular I am grateful to Jonathan Carswell, Clare Heath-Whyte, Phil and Katy Jack, Matt Lloyd, Philip Moore, Ed Shaw and Pete Wilkinson for commenting on the first draft of this book, and to Josh Bell for his typing.

Acknowledgements

‘I’ll Be There For You’Friends, the sitcom featuring six single people

in their 20s living in New York, attracted huge audiences when it was first aired from the mid 1990s, and is still shown almost continuously on satellite channels throughout the world. What explains this phenomenal success? Perhaps the answer is found in the title of its theme song: ‘I’ll Be There For You’. Those words capture the dreams of a generation. David Schwimmer, one of the actors, has commented: ‘It’s a fantasy for a lot of people – having a group of friends who become like family.’1

For many that is all it is: a fantasy. Twenty per cent of adults admit to feeling lonely at any time and the same percentage say they have no friend with whom to discuss a personal problem.2 Commenting on this widespread sense of isolation, Mother Teresa, who spent her life working with destitute

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Introduction

people in Calcutta, said that the worst disease was not leprosy, AIDS or cancer, but loneliness.

It may be that as you begin this book you are painfully conscious of a lack of close friends. That has been my experience at times in the past, but my life has been immeasurably enriched and strengthened by deepening friendships in recent years. I should say right at the start that I claim no great wisdom on this subject and still consider myself a novice. I am hugely grateful for all I have learnt from the many friends who have loved me patiently and lived life alongside me. Even those who are most naturally gifted at friendship would say that they are still learning as together we sit under God’s teaching in the Bible. My aim in this book is, therefore, certainly not to pass on my own thoughts on the subject, but to present wisdom from the Bible. All of us, whether we feel lonely or enjoy many close relationships, need to hear its challenge to live intimately connected lives, and how to give to and receive from others in that context.

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A plea for prayerful readingI am passionate about the subject of this book,

both because of my own personal experience and, above all, because of the importance it is given in the Bible. I have deliberately kept the material as brief as possible to make it accessible, so it might be possible for you to read it in little more than an hour. Having said that, I hope you will give more time to it than that. You will gain most from the book if you pause to think and pray as you read. The questions at the end of each chapter are designed to help you do this, whether individually or with others.

It will soon become clear that I am writing with followers of Jesus Christ especially in mind, but I hope that some who would not call themselves Christians will also read this book. If that is you, I trust you will find some insights that will help you in your friendships, but my greatest longing is that you will come to enjoy what Christians believe is by far the greatest friendship of all: a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

Vaughan Roberts

The heart of the Bible’s messageThe theme of friendship takes us right to the

heart of the Bible’s message. God is relational. He has from eternity existed in a relationship of loving friendship within the Godhead: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. He created us in his image as relational beings, uniquely able to relate to him in love. Genesis 2 provides us with a picture of life as it was designed to be, with Adam and Eve enjoying perfect relationships with God, one another and the world around them, before everything was spoilt by their rejection of God’s authority. A sense of aching nostalgia for what has been lost is evoked by the description of God walking in the cool of the garden in Genesis 3, with the implication that it has been his custom to take a daily stroll with his image-friend.

The easy intimacy between God and humanity is lost because of sin but, in his amazing grace, he

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True Friendship is Crucial 1

still seeks relationship, calling out, ‘Where are you?’ (Genesis 3:9). This searching, divine love lies behind God’s gospel plan to restore people to relationship with himself, which was promised and prefigured in the Old Testament and then fulfilled through Christ.

Throughout the Bible, God often calls those who belong to him his friends. The Lord spoke to Moses ‘as a man speaks with his friend’ (Exodus 33:11) and describes Abraham as ‘my friend’ (Isaiah 41:8). In criticizing Jesus as a ‘friend of … “sinners”’ (Matthew 11:19), his enemies had seen the truth without recognizing the wonder of it. The disciples were deeply flawed men, and yet Jesus called them his ‘friends’ (Luke 12:4). We too can be friends of God, not because of any innate worthiness in us, but because of Christ’s death for us on the cross. God’s own son faced separation from his Father so that we, who do not deserve it, could be restored to friendship with him.

God’s plan of salvation is designed not only to restore our vertical relationship with God, but also to create horizontal relationships of loving friendship between human beings in his family. He calls us to himself, not as individuals, but as members of a new community. Deep relationships can, and should, develop as we grow together in

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the church into the likeness of Christ, and serve together in mission. After Christ’s return, there will be no marriage (Matthew 22:30), but great intimacy will be enjoyed in the beyond-sexuality delight of friendship with one another as God’s people in the new creation.

Reading the Bible as gospelThis brief survey of the core of the Bible’s

teaching shows that friendship is not an optional extra, but is essential to our God-given humanity. Living unfriendly and friendless lives is both a rejection of God’s purpose for us as his image, and a dehumanizing tragedy. Just as God is love, so he commands us to prioritize love in our lives by loving him and our neighbours (see Mark 12:30,31). This is not something we can do by ourselves, which explains the mess we so often make of our relationships. But, wonderfully, God is determined to change us by his Spirit so that we are transformed from being turned in on ourselves to reaching out in love to him and others. The Bible is not a self-help book with instructions for how we can improve our lives; rather, it is a proclamation of the gospel, the ‘good news’, which speaks of what God has done, is doing and will do by the Holy

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Spirit for those who trust in Christ. It is important that we do not forget this gospel framework as we consider some of the Bible’s detailed instructions about friendship. Reading the Bible as gospel gives us the proper motivation for friendship, real power to relate well to others and practical wisdom for how to do so.

‘Doing life well’Some people are very good at navigating

through life; they just seem to understand how the world works, and live accordingly. But others are forever getting into trouble; if there is a pit anywhere near, they will find it and fall into it. The difference between them is not usually a matter of intelligence: it is possible to have a massive intellect and still be inept at the basic business of living. Nor is it always a question of morality: two people can share exactly the same moral principles and seek to live by them, and yet one still manages to make a mess of their relationships, work and finances, while the other thrives in them. The difference, more often than not, concerns wisdom.

In the next few chapters, we will often look to the teaching of the book of Proverbs in the Old Testament as we consider God’s teaching on

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friendship. Proverbs is a wisdom book, designed to teach us how to ‘do life well’. Its foundation principle is stated in the introduction: ‘The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge’ (Proverbs 1:7). The fundamental relationship in our life must be with the one true God, the sovereign Creator. The Bible insists that true wisdom begins when we ‘fear’ him: recognizing who he is and what he has done for us in Christ, and then responding with a worshipful, trusting submission. No friendship is more important than this relationship with God, which we will consider more at the end of the book.

While teaching the foundational importance of relating rightly to God, the book of Proverbs also stresses the vital significance of other relationships if we are to live wisely. In his book Friendship, which is the best I have read on the subject, Hugh Black writes: ‘the book of Proverbs might almost be called a treatise on friendship – there is no book, even in classical literature, which so exalts the idea of friendship and is so anxious to have it truly valued and carefully kept’.1 That is because the task of seeking wisdom, which is often so elusive, is a communal project which should not be undertaken on our own. Life is presented in Proverbs as a journey in which we are constantly

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faced with a choice between two paths: wisdom and folly. We need good friends who will travel with us, help us discern the right road to take and spur us on to keep walking down it. Such companions will immeasurably strengthen us: ‘As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another’ (Proverbs 27:17).

‘Fellow Travellers’In his essay on friendship, C.S. Lewis points

out that while lovers are often seen face to face, delighting in one another, the characteristic pose of friends is side by side or shoulder to shoulder. Friendship begins, he suggests, when people discover a common interest or passion. It is found when we discover those travelling the same road as us, and decide to walk together.

Friendship is, in other words, based on shared goals. Aelred, a British monk in the twelfth century, who wrote a classic book on friendship,2

distinguishes between three types, each of which is forged around a different kind of goal. ‘Carnal friendship’ is based on the shared pursuit of pleasure, whether it be a common delight in clubbing or golf. ‘Worldly friendship’ is based on mutual advantage, as when business partners work closely together. There need be nothing

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wrong with either type of relationship, depending on the goal and manner in which it is pursued, but Aelred believed that a third type of friendship was the deepest. This is ‘spiritual friendship’, which is grounded in a mutual commitment to follow Jesus Christ.

Over the years I have formed close bonds with fellow stamp collectors at school, as we shared the excitement of a new addition to our collections; with colleagues, as we have spurred each other on through the trials of exams; and with teammates, even in an individual sport such as squash, as we trained hard together and cheered for one another in matches. But my deepest friendships have been with other disciples of Christ.

Christians have the ultimate common passion and shared goal, which encompasses the whole of life. We have been called, as brothers and sisters, to belong to Christ’s family, as we travel along the way of the cross throughout our lives, with our eyes fixed on the destination of the new creation to come, which Christ will introduce when he returns. It is a long journey, with many challenges along the road. We will often fall and need someone to pick us up; waver, and need another to spur us on. Let us resolve therefore to obey the Bible’s instruction:

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‘let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds … let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching’ (Hebrews 10:24,25).

Are you looking for opportunities to spur on others in this way? Too many Christians, even those who see one another regularly, relate with very little, if any, reference to their shared faith. Perhaps we need to take the initiative with some friends to ensure that the basis of our relationship is not simply ‘carnal’ or ‘worldly’, but above all, ‘spiritual’. If you do not know how to start, why not suggest that you pray together, or ask questions which will open up spiritual conversation, such as:

‘How is your Christian life going at the moment?’

‘What are you finding especially encouraging?’

‘What are some of the greatest challenges?’

We should take every opportunity to encourage any of our fellow travellers in the Christian journey, but there will need to be some with whom we establish an especially close bond. Such friendships are important, not first and foremost as a means to emotional fulfilment, but as a matter of wisdom. We need good friends if we are to avoid making a mess of our lives and instead ‘run with perseverance the

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race marked out for us’ (Hebrews 12:1). That is true of all of us, whoever we are: male or female, married or single, extroverts or introverts.

Men and womenGeneralizations are always risky, but it does seem

that women are often more consciously relational than men. They can be quicker to recognize their need for friendship and put more effort into it. Men tend to be more task-orientated, to such an extent that many can work alongside colleagues for years without ever having a personal conversation. Women usually talk when they meet, whereas men are often happier doing things together. Both sexes need to be encouraged to go beyond the superficial in conversation, but that is often a greater challenge for men.

Men are not helped to form deeper friendships by the widespread social expectation that they should be self-reliant. James Wagenvoord, in a book designed to help women understand men, describes the pressure:

He shall not cry. He shall not display weakness. He shall not need affection or gentleness or warmth. He shall comfort but not desire comforting. He shall be needed but not need. He shall touch

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but not be touched. He shall be steel not flesh. He shall be inviolate in his manhood. He shall stand alone.3

Unless men are able to resist this unhelpful understanding of masculinity and be able to be vulnerable with each another, they will always have companions, but not friends.

Married and singleWhen a colleague of mine retired some years

ago, she thanked her friends in her farewell speech and remarked: ‘For those of us who are single, our friends are our lifeline.’ I know what she means, as do most single people. In the absence of an exclusive romantic partnership, we are especially conscious of our need to find intimacy in a variety of other relationships. It is important, however, that married people also recognize their need for close friendships. To rely on just one other person for encouragement, wisdom and support, places a huge burden on them which they will not be able to fulfil. It is important that couples do not allow their friendships to fall into disrepair, not only so that they can be a support to others, but also for their own good. There will be times, for example, when they need to turn to someone else because their

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partner is not around or, in a particular situation, is not in a position to help. Wisdom suggests that this should almost always be someone of the same sex. Healthy Christian marriages do not have an exclusively inward focus, but are fuelled by looking up to Christ and strengthened by looking out to others, both to give and receive.

All personality typesWe are dependent creatures with a built-in need

to rely both on God and one another. That truth will be a particular challenge to those who are naturally quieter and more self-contained. Do not believe the lie that you need not make the effort to get out of your shell and interact deeply with others. None of us is exempt; we may differ in being more gregarious or more reserved, but all of us are united, as human beings made in God’s image, in our need for intimate relationship.

Some people relate almost exclusively by caring for others and seeking to fix them. We find our identity in our role as leader or pastor, and can even convince ourselves that whereas others are weak and need helping, we are strong and independent and do not need anyone to get close to us. We may be nervous of such intimacy, as it would

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involve the risk of the mask slipping and our own weakness being revealed, but it is vital if we are to avoid having only followers but few, if any, of the friends we all need in living the Christian life. It is important, therefore, that we resist our desire to be seen as always strong and in control. Even the Lord Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane acknowledged his need of friends to stand with him in that time of great trial, and lamented the fact that they did not. We too must be prepared to recognize our own need of friendships, so that those of us who lead are not just ahead or above others, but also alongside them. If that is to happen, we must accept that we will not be able to lead in every situation or always have the last word. There are no exceptions; we all need friends.

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Questions for reflection & discussion

How is the theme of friendship related to the gospel?

Why is friendship essential to:

our humanity?

living wisely?

Are our closest friendships ‘carnal’, ‘worldly’ or ‘spiritual’?

What more could we do to cultivate spiritual friendships?

Is it true that men face particular challenges in making deeper friendships?

What particular challenges do women face?

How does being married or single affect our friendships?

What impact does our personality have on our friendships?

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