TWELVE STEPS TO PAIR BONDING. How the man and woman become one

Reference: Donald M. Joy. PHD. Bonding-Relationships in the image of God (word)

Desmond Morris Intimate Behavior

Introduction: The twelve steps to pair bonding may be found in all cultures.

When persons fail to follow these twelve steps, there is often a tendency towards violent sexual behavior.

When persons miss out on some of the steps in the rush to genital intimacy, the bond tends to be deformed and to break.N.B. The tendency to hurry the steps or skip some, often happens when a person leaves one relationship and quickly goes to another.Moreover a person, who has reached genital intimacy in a former relationship, tends to move future companions quickly, immediately, to genital intimacy.

All cultures have found it necessary to provide protection for this intimate joining together, i.e. the bond between the man and the woman. This protection is provided by the legal arrangement called marriage.

N.B. Research shows that unprotected intimacy often triggers lifelong appetites for illicit sexual experience-one main source of promiscuity and its attendant evils.

The Steps – correspond to the sequence described in Genesis 2: 24

1. Leave father and mother Steps 1-32. Cleave: cling to spouse Steps 4-93. Union: one flesh, naked, unashamed Steps 10-12

1. Eye to person. A look of discovery.

2. Eye to eye. The other person returns the look

3. Voice to voice. Getting acquainted-trivial talk. N.B. it is important not to push the relationship at any point.

Steps Four five and Six-first touch

4. Hand to hand. A social statement: ‘the two of us are together’. Nothing particularly romantic.

5. Arm to shoulder: not yet a hug, but a gesture of ‘ownership’. Extending the social statement: “We have a special relationship, and perhaps, the friendship is going somewhere.”

6. Arm to waist: this step is characterized above all, by hours of intense, serious conversation when endless questions and answers are given, some involving very personal disclosures.

N.B. If these disclosures are repeated among other friends, the bonding will be interrupted and may suffer irreparable damage.

Step 6 marks a crucial stage in the relationship. Because the couple has disclosed so much of their thinking and attitudes to each other, it now becomes possible, and indeed urgent to make a decision about the future of their relationship. If there is to be a parting of ways, this is the time for it. If the parting takes place later down the line, the increasing emotional involvement will make the break-up more and more difficult and painful.

The following checklist will help in evaluating the relationship in order to reach a decision:

(a) Does my partner’s life vision strengthen my values, my beliefs and my lifestyle?(b) Does my life vision fit my partner’s life vision?(c) Are we good for each other, motivating for good?(d) Am I comfortable with my partner’s expectations about me?(e) Does my partner see me having a legitimate place, other than being there for my

partners use?

If the answer to any of the above is ‘No’ (particularly the first two), the it is time to recognize that you are not suited to share life with each other in a permanent, intimate relationship. But if the answers are positive, one moves naturally into the next series of steps. Note, it happens naturally, but it is based on a conscious decision: the mind and the will must lead the way at this point.

Steps Seven, Eight and Nine: A higher level of intimacy

7. Face to face .The couple gaze into each others eyes, read each other’s faces. Intimate kissing comes natural at this point. But since kissing stirs one’s sexual urges, restraint is now critical. For we are still several steps away from genital contact.

8. Hand to head. A sign of trust. At this point the couple feels free to touch the face stroke the hair, trace the edge of the ear, cradle the head………

9. Hand to body-except the breast and genitals. The real meaning of this stage of the relationship is to increase the respect and appreciation each now has for the other’s physical characteristics- height, weight, complexion etc., including any imperfections. In other words, we accept, know and respect the actual person not some idealized version.

N.B. Step nine is the limit beyond which the bond needs legal protection. For unprotected sexual intimacy is potentially destructive.

Note also that the relationship moves urgently ahead at this point. One should therefore plan the wedding date so as to forestall the consummation of a sexual relationship that is unprotected.

Steps Ten, Eleven and twelve: Absolute intimacy-naked and unashamed absolute intimacy requires absolute privacy. This means not only a securely closed door but freedom from the emotional and other claims of family, friends and particularly, former romantic attachments. It also means freedom from anxiety and mistrust concerning the relationship itself. all this and more is offered and guaranteed by the legal arrangement called marriage.

The ‘one flesh’ bond though intimately personal is highly complex and has significant implications for the whole society. Therefore, the legally married couple is not left to rely on the own limited resources but are supported by the resources of the state and society to whom, by a public declaration, they make themselves accountable.