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Title: Twice Killed A Farce in One Act

Author: John Oxenford

Release Date: July 18, 2015 [EBook#49481]

Language: English

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERGEBOOK TWICE KILLED ***

Produced by Paul Haxo from page imagesgenerously madeavailable by the HathiTrust, Ohio StateUniversity andGoogle, and with special thanks to theVictorian PlaysProject.

FrontispieceRECKLESS. My old friend Facile. I

cant be mistaken. (slaps onback.) Facile, my boy!

FACILE. (aside.) Thats the constable.No, sir, not here; it came fromthe window next door.

Act I, Scene ii

TWICE KILLEDA FARCE

INONE ACT

BY

JOHN OXENFORDAUTHOR OF

Five Pounds Reward; Only aHalf-penny; Reigning

Favourite; Dice of Death, &c.&c.

THOMAS HAILES LACY,89, STRAND,

(Opposite Southampton Street, CoventGarden Market,)

LONDON.

TWICE KILLED.

First performed at the Royal OlympicTheatre, November 26th, 1835.

CHARACTERS.

Mr. Euclid Facile Mr. KEELEY.Mr. Ralph

RecklessMr. J. VINING.

Tom, (hisservant)

Mr. SALTER.

Mr. Holdfast Mr. W. VINING.

Mr. Fergus Fable Mr. COLLIER.Robert Mr. BRAYNE.

Mrs. Facile Miss PAGET.Miss Julia Flighty Miss

MALCOLM.Fanny Pepper Mrs. ORGER.

COSTUMES.

FACILE.Brown dress coat, blackpantaloons, white waistcoat.

RECKLESS.Green Newmarket cutcoat, light waistcoat, fashionabletrousers.

FABLE.Black suit.

MR. HOLDFAST.Brown coat, darktrousers, and shoes.

TOM.Grey livery coat, white kneebreeches, top boots.

ROBERT.Green livery coat, white kneebreeches, ditto gaiters.

MRS. FACILE.Black dress, ditto netapron, embroidered with flowers.

MISS FLIGHTY.Plain white bookmuslin dress, white satin slip.

FANNY PEPPER.Red dress, brownholland apron embroidered withgreen, cuffs to match, red ribbon incap.

Time of representation, 45 minutes.

TWICE KILLED.SCENE I.A view by a river side; on

the opposite bank are seen the backsof housesimmersed in water, as atBlackwall, &c.

Enter TOM, with a large hamper, L. H.

TOM. Come, this will do; though itsutility exceeds its beauty; a

confoundedly ugly basket, thoughdestined to hold most rare contents:several sugar loaves, a canister of teablack and green, almonds and raisins inabundance, coffee, rice, and spices, barsof soap, starch and powder, blue enoughto stock a small shop. Dear Fanny! if herheart is not won by such a store ofvaluables, it is indeed hard.

Enter RECKLESS, L. H.

RECK. Ha, ha, ha, Ive found herWhat you here?

TOM. Yes, sir.

RECK. I have found her, Ill tell you;congratulate your fortunate master, most

faithful Thomas.

TOM. Have you indeed found MissJulia, and how?

RECK. Simply saw her at a housewindow.

TOM. But you cannot get into thathouse.

RECK. No; but I have got my mark, themeans of hitting that mark are still infortunes hands.

TOM. And in worse hands they couldnot be; sir, do give up this scheme. Youfall in love with a young lady at aboarding school, correspond with herunder a feigned name

RECK. Yes, you know that arose fromthe fear of my cousin, old Guineamore,hearing of these matters. I dared not trustmy own lady love. You are aware I haveimmense expectations from him, and thathe hates anything like adventures.

TOM. Yes, and Reginald de Mowbrayis a much prettier name than RalphReckless, but where was I? Oh, afeigned name. Well, the young ladysgoverness finds out the correspondence,and very properly sends her to herguardians, who takes her into thecountry, also very properly; give up thisscheme, sir

RECK. Not I; when I have found the

retreat of my charmer, the cavern wherethe treasure is hid, shall I be cravenknight enough to fear the dragon thatguards it? No, man, not Iso if you havenot better advice to give, well changethe subject. What the devil is that greatbasket for?

TOM. What? oh, that is an affair of theheart; you have confided all your tendersecrets to me, therefore I will do thesame to you, sir, if you will allow me.

RECK. Certainly, good Thomas, goon.

TOM. Why, a sort of a relation ofminea grocer, died the other day,without a will, and his stock in trade got

divided among six of us. I haveborrowed this large crate from Delfs, thecrockery-warehouseman, to stow myshare in; and am thinking I could not dothe genteel thing better, (as mysweetheart Fannys in service, and has tofind such articles out of her wages,) thanto make her a delicate present of thegroceries, to sweeten my progress in heraffectionseh, sir?

RECK. Delicate indeed! that I shouldhave so gallant a man in my service; andwhere does this happy maiden reside?

TOM. You see that white house, theother side of the water? one of thosehouses in the water.

RECK. What! the white one?

TOM. Yes, she is housemaid there.

RECK. Oh! ha, ha, ha! Ri tol de rol.(dances.)

TOM. Hey day. Did you tell me toorder a straight waistcoat, sir?

RECK. No! tol de rol, I have a thought

TOM. Why, you do look remarkablethoughtful.

RECK. You see these three bright goldsovereigns?

TOM. Yes, sir! perhaps you willallow me to feel them too?

RECK. So I will, Tom, on onecondition! send me in that basket insteadof the grocery, and carry me to the housewhere my Julia is secluded.

TOM. Well, sir, but what will Fannysay?

RECK. Never mind her, there shall bea genteel note pinned outside the basket,explaining the contents. Then, Ill giveher a couple of sovereigns, so pack upand be gone.

[Exeunt L. H., TOM dragging thehamper.

SCENE II.A parlour.In centre of

stage a sofa, capable of being madeinto a bed. At the back a globe,covered with a glazed cover. Adining table and chair. A cupboardto open at top and bottom, R.Alarge window to open, L.

(MRS. FACILE, with a pestle andmortar, and JULIA, R. H.,discovered.

MRS. F. Really, my dear, the bestadvice I can give you, is to employyourself about something, it will divertyour mind.

JULIA. Divert? I dont want to bediverted, I want to be miserable; itsvery unkind of you to try to console me.

MRS. F. I can only say I mean well,and I believe your guardian means well.

JULIA. Yes, so is every horrid thingmeant well. Our governess used to makeus wash our hands in icy water in winter,and tell us it was all for our good. I hatewhat is for our good.

MRS. F. But consider the improprietyof your forming at school, a clandestineattachment with a young gentleman, ofwhose very residence you are ignorant.

JULIA. And what is propriety? Acreature of imagination, framed by oldmaids under the inspiration of green tea.

MRS. F. Stop, stop

JULIA. Oh, what times were those,when I used to look for a note fromMowbray, in the key hole of the greengate, when I used to read it to sixespecial confidants, who were all dyingwith envy; till one quarrelled with meabout a slice of my last cake, betrayedme to the French teacher, who told thehead teacher, who told the governessand then what an explosion! dragged offhither, without letting me even send myaddress to De Mowbray. It is a fine thingto be a victim of cruelty at seventeen.And now as you are so fond of givingadvice, let me ask you why you are sovery severe to that unfortunate little man,your husband?

MRS. F. What you call severity, arisesfrom my strict sense of propriety, ofwhich I am sorry to say, Mr. Facile hasnot so strict a sense.

JULIA. No! why for all I can see, thepoor dear little man does nothing but sitwith his mathematical books before himall day, looking just like our geographymaster. Then he is such a very easy man.

MRS. F. The very thing I dread; he notonly lets me have my own way, butevery one else too. He is the confidant ofall the young ladies in the village; thevery servants ask his advice on everysingle point, and he gives itis neveraffronted.

JULIA. Dear, good-natured soul!

MRS. F. Theres that Fanny Pepperhas innumerable points to consult himupona forward slut, who apes me ineverything. If I wear ringlets, she wearsringletsmakes her caps like mine.Now how do I know what she may askhimand if he can refuse nothingthinkof that!

Enter EUCLID, reading, R. H.

EUCLID. X plus Y equal to Ah,my dear, what are you doing?

MRS. F. Can you address me in thatcalm manner, after what I said this

morning about Fanny the housemaid?

EUCLID. True, my love, you did saysomething; but I dont remember what itwas.

MRS. F. Only been married threeweekscome down to spend thehoneymoon with your relation, Mr.Holdfastand already the confidant ofall the maid servants, and dontremember what I said!

EUCLID. No, dear, I only rememberthe agreeable things you say.

MRS. F. How provokingly good-tempered! I am cruelly used by yourindifference.

EUCLID. Are you? upon my word Idid not mean it. I am not indifferent, amalways thinking of yougiven, a, b.

Enter FANNY, L. H.

FANNY. Please maam, Miss

EUCLID. Oh, I forgot! while I was outthis morning, I bought this case ofdrawing instruments for youthere,dear.

MRS. F. And so, sir, you hope to atonefor your conduct by a paltry present.(runs to window and opens it.) Thus youatone, and thus I treat the atonement.(throws case out of window.)

FANNY. (aside.) Lauk-a-dasy me;how fine that was. I wish my sweetheartwould quarrel with me, and send mesomethingwould not I shy it out ofwindow!

MRS. F. There, sir, you see what Ihave done.

EUCLID. Yes, love, you threw thecase out of the window.

MRS. F. And does it make noimpression?

EUCLID. Why, it was your own; youhad a right to do with it as you liked; itwas nothing to me, you know.

MRS. F. Oh! obduracy, in the disguise

of good nature.

FANNY. Please maam

MRS. F. What, Fanny, you here! (asideto JULIA.) There, as I told you, her hairdressed the samethe ribbons in the captoo. Well, Fanny.

FANNY. Please, maam, MissWeakley has sent to know if you aregoing to call there this afternoon?

MRS. F. Oh, yes, certainlypoorMiss Weakley. Yes, I shall call.

FANNY. (whispers to EUCLID.) I havesomething to shew you, sir, when yourgood lady goes out.

MRS. F. I shall callwhats the girl

waiting for? do you think I cant call?

FANNY. Yes, you can, maam, prettyloud, too.

[Exit, L. H.

MRS. F. And now, Mr. Facile, youought to be ashamed to stand before methus.

EUCLID. Ought I? Well, then, Ill takemyself down stairs. (reads.) On gravitydescending bodies.

[Exit, L. H.

JULIA. How can you be so cross?

MRS. F. Discipline, I tell you. Butreach me the decanter of wine from the

shelf, thats a dear. (pours contents ofmortar into decanter.) Theretheresthe sleeping draught for Miss Weakley; Imade it from a receipt book belonging tomy grandmama. Such a draught! it willmake her sleep like Juliets drug, worthyof the book from which it was extracted.

Enter TWO MEN with basket, L.

Well, my good people.

1st. MAN. We have brought thishamper for Miss Fanny Pepper, and thefootman told us to bring it up stairs.

MRS. F. Miss, indeed! Yes, its rightMiss Fanny Pepper is Mr. Holdfastshousemaidyou may leave the basket.

[MEN do so and exeunt, L. H.

JULIA. Well, while your are finishingyour draughts, and the like, I will go andput on my bonnet to accompany you.With very different feelings from thetime when I used to put it on to meet DeMowbray at the garden gate.

[Exit R. H., with the bottle.

MRS. F. Whats that? Oh! goodness,the basket movesa man!

RECKLESS. (jumps out.) Madam,madam! do not cry out, I entreat you! Iam a stranger, yet rely on yourgenerosity.

MRS. F. But this strange intrusion?

RECK. It is useless to concealanything. You have doubtless heard ofDe MowbrayI am he.

MRS. F. The clandestine lover ofMiss Julia, a person about whom no oneknows anything. But as you have reliedon my mercy, I will not betray youIwill assist you.

RECK. Dear, kind madam!

MRS. F. I will assist you to get out, Isay. Return into that basket; two of thefootman shall carry you out to any placeyou may name, no one shall know ofyour being here.

RECK. (aside.) Oh, curse suchkindness! Madam, considerget into the

basket again? I have a pattern of thewicker work impressed upon me fromhead to foot at present, independent ofthe lumps and bruises I have received.

MRS. F. I can offer no otheralternative. I cannot encourage youraddresses to Miss Julia; then I mustconsider my own character. Return intothe basket, and I will go and order thefootmen to come up immediately.

RECK. Well, madam, if there is noalternative, send me to this direction.(gives card, and re-enters basket.) Besure to tell them to keep the right sideupwards.

MRS. F. I will, sir; the contents of the

basket shall be taken care of to the fullvalue of the article.

[Exit, R. H.

RECK. And I am to go back like aglass milk-pot, am I not? (gets out.)Snail! leave thy shell. In thy mistressshouse, Ralph Reckless, and suffer thyselfto be packed up like a fish, and sent offas mute? No, no; Ive given the lady mytailors card for a direction. Ha, ha, ha!(looks in closet.) what have we here?a broken pestle and mortar, and a stoneball from the garden entrance. Theseshall go in the basket, (puts them in.)they will pass for me as well as I did forgrocery.

[Exit L. H.

Enter FANNY, L. H.

FANNY. How cross Missus Facile is,and only a visitor too! I shall give her abit of my mind if she goes on so, not butI like a woman of spirit. How beautifulshe did throw the thingummy-gig out ofthe windowthat was fine now; I cangive the devil his due. (goes to window.)But, oh! theres a boat partyand, oh!theres my admirer, Thomasand, oh!hes sitting by a femaleand, oh! (hidesher face.) how shocking, horrid,disgustinghe kissed her; it is so low-lived to kiss in the open air! He shall see

how Ill trim his jacket when I meet himagain! Ill givebut whats this, abasket? M-i-ss, MissF-a-n, Fan-n-y-ny, FannyMiss Fanny P-e-p, PepMiss Fanny Pep-p-e-r, perMiss FannyPepper. Its horrid writing, (tears offnote.) a present, but I wont keep it; IllIll do as Mrs. Facile did, Ill shy itout of window into the water. (tries tolift it.) Oh, gemini, how heavy it is.Hush! theres footsteps.

EUCLID. (without.) So is B to C.

FANNY. It is Mr. Facile; he has nopride, though he is a gentlemanIll callhim. Mr. Facile!

Enter EUCLID, L. H.

EUCLID. Well, Frances Pepper?

FANNY. (aside.) I knew hed come. Ihave a favour to askAre you strong,Mr. Facile?

EUCLID. (aside.) Now what the deuceshould she ask that for?

FANNY. Strong in the arm, I mean?

EUCLID. Pretty well.

FANNY. Youll excuse the libertyyou are such a kind gentleman; but couldyou oblige me by throwing this basketout of the window?

EUCLID. Why?

FANNY. Oh, sir, pardon me, its adelicate affair.

EUCLID. Delicate affair, indeed, tothrow that great basket out of thewindow; a coal heaver would shineparticularly in such a delicate affair! Oh,nonsense!

FANNY. Please do, sir, Ive a motiveheigho!

EUCLID. Oh, wellwhat will theyask me to do next? Here, girl, ask me todo no more. Its confoundedly heavy!(they lift the basket between them, restit on the window ledge, and push it off.)Oh, my shoulder!

FANNY. What a splash! Thankye, sir,

thankye; its gone to the bottom of theriver.

EUCLID. Yes, and nearly took my armwith itoh! oh! oh! Let me impress onething on your memory. Frances Pepper,next time you want a delicate affairmanaged, hire a ticket porter.

FANNY. Thankye, sir, thankye, sir,for throwing my basket out of window.That faithless monsters present; I wishhe had been here, Id have asked Mr.Facile to throw him after it; Im surehed have done it, he is so good-natured.

[Exit, L. H.

EUCLID. Ha! ha! a whimsical request

enough. See what it is to be of an easydisposition. What the servants will asknext it is impossible to say. I havealready written six letters for thefootman, and read as many valentines forthe women; and the other day the oldnurse asked me to tell her fortune,because she said my books looked likeconjuring books; but this basket-throwing

Enter MRS. FACILE, L. H.

is the strangest adventure I ever knew.

MRS. F. Oh, my dear, have you seen abasketa large basket?

EUCLID. Yes.

MRS. F. Like a hamper, big enough toput you in.

EUCLID. Yes, yes, well(aside.) Ihad better not say I helped Fanny, orshell blow up.

MRS. F. Well, youll promise not tosay anything, give me your word.

EUCLID. My love, not I; upon myword.

MRS. F. What do you suppose is inthat basket?

EUCLID. Oh, I dont knowpickledsalmon. He! he! (aside.) I shall learnsomething.

MRS. F. It is a man.

EUCLID. Heywhat?

MRS. F. A man!

EUCLID. (aside.) The devil it was.My sweetest, you must be mistaken.

MRS. F. I heard him talk; he is DeMowbray, Julias unknown lover. Hewanted to get out of the basket, but I toldhim I would have him carried out of thehouse. You see I want to break off theconnexion.

EUCLID. Egad! the connexion is brokeoff with a vengeance.

MRS. F. But how serious you lookquite uneasy.

EUCLID. Uneasy, I? Ha! ha! quite a

mistake! man in a basketdevilishdroll! Ha! ha! ha! Oh! oh! oh!

Enter ROBERT, R.

ROBERT. Please, maam, we cantfind any basket; we have lookedeverywhere.

MRS. F. No!

EUCLID. Not found it? Howextraordinary! You could not havelooked.

MRS. F. Ah! Fanny must have seen itand taken it. You may go. [Exit ROBERT,R.] Im uneasy.

EUCLID. So am I. Uneasy, my dear

how absurd!

MRS. F. Why suppose that wildfellow has got out of the basket, Mr.Holdfast may meet him.

EUCLID. My love, you need not giveyourself the slightest uneasiness on thatscore. I dare say he has escaped with thebasket, out of the window perhapsoh!oh! oh!

MRS. F. Why you know that windowlooks upon the river.

EUCLID. (aside.) I should rather thinkI did know it. La, so it does, ha! ha! Hecould not get out of the window withouttumbling into the water. Ha! ha! Oh-h-h!

MRS. F. But Ill go and see after Julia;for if the mad headed couple shouldmeet, I dread the consequences. Be sureyou do not tell Mr. Holdfast, if he comeshome, there was a man in the basket.

[Exit, R. H.

EUCLID. No, I shall not betray thesecret. Heres a pretty kettle of fish!heres a nice business! I turned Noyade;Oh, but its overyes, over! I wontthink about it. What business had a manin that basket? Ill be comfortable; itwas not my fault. Ill readdivert mymind with study. Hydrostaticsto findthe specific gravity of bodies, immersethe body in water. Curse Hydrostatics!

Enter FANNY, L.

Oh, you are here, are you? You are apretty article.

FANNY. Well, so all the men say.

EUCLID. How can you look at mewith that confounded smirk, youabandoned woman?

FANNY. Sir! do you mean to say Im

EUCLID. Noyou are a damned dealworse; you are an accessory before thefact.

FANNY. What fact?

EUCLID. An enormous factmurder!

FANNY. Oh, Mr. Facile! Ha! ha! youare joking.

EUCLID. Joking, eh! Its all very finefor you to pretend you didnt know aman was in that basket.

FANNY. Oh, a very fine trick. Ah, no,you are in fun; there was a note tied; Ihave it in my pocket. (pulls it out.)There, sir; pardon me blushing if it saysanything soft.

EUCLID. (reading.) Dear Fan

FANNY. Deceitful wretch!

EUCLID. Inclosed herewith you havemy master.

FANNY. (screams.) Oh!

EUCLID. Dont screamdontscream! We shall be hanged if youscream.

FANNY. Oh, dear! oh, dear, oh, dear!Let me look; m-a-s, mast-e-r, termaster. Its rightoh, dear! oh, dear!(sobs.) were in a pickle!

EUCLID. Yes, and so is ourunfortunate victim. Then you did notknow it?

FANNY. No; you know I cannot readwithout help. I determined to throw thatwretchs presents out of the window. Iwas only thinking of the present.

EUCLID. Ay, but Im thinking of thefuture; I did you wrong. I see you are

innocent. We are both a couple ofinnocentguilty, miserable wretches.Why didnt you throw it in yourself?Well finish this letter though.

(they stand close together, reading aletter.

Enter RECKLESS, R.

RECK. (aside.) I cant find Juliaanywhere; and I dread every minute lestI should meet some cursed person orother who might be more curious thanpleasant. Whos that? Bless my luckystars! my old friend Facile. I cant bemistaken. (slaps on back.) Facile, myboy!

EUCLID. (aside.) Thats the constable.No, sir, not here; it came from thewindow next door. What, Reckless! Ah,how do you do? (aside.) Where thedeuce did he come from?

RECK. I wont say a word about thebasket; Ill feign I called to see him.How do you do, my boy? We have notseen one another these

EUCLID. These four years. So youremember me, and came to call?

RECK. Yes, ahem!

EUCLID. Very kind. But how did youknow I lived here?

RECK. Oh, I saw you at the window.

EUCLID. Come, come, we dontoccupy the front, and the back of thehouse is in the water.

RECK. Ahem! Oh, ah! I was rowingpast a quarter of an hour ago.

EUCLID. Ahhh! And you saw meat the window, did you? You did not seeme do anything particular, did you?

RECK. No. (aside.) Good reason, Inever saw you at all. No.

EUCLID. Ha! ha! no, of course not.What was there particular for me to do,eh?

RECK. (aside.) What a strange mannerhe has!

FANNY. And I was not standing byhim, was I?

RECK. No.

EUCLID. No, to be sure not.

RECK. What the devil does this mean?They seem uneasy about something. Isuppose he has been kissing the girl atthe window. Ha! ha! I understand you.

EUCLID. Eh? do you though?

FANNY. Oh, gemini, oh!

RECK. You are a sly fellow, Euclid.(whispers.) Eh?

EUCLID. (aside.) Its all rightno,no, wrong, I assure you. But you always

had such odd ideasstill in the samespirits.

RECK. Yes, I can always smile; likethat water which wears a smoothcountenance, whatever is beneath itssurface.

EUCLID. (aside.) Curse his similes!

FANNY. (aside.) I hates figurativelanguage.

RECK. Gad! what a lumping I had inthat basketI feel quite knocked up!(aside.) A little refreshmentEuclid,my old friend, you know I dont mindtaking liberties with youcould yougive me a glass of wine?

FANNY. Yes, sir, I saw a bottle in theroom where the bas

EUCLID. Ahhhem! the store-room you mean. Fetch it.

[Exit FANNY, R.

RECK. It will be rather acceptable, Iassure you. I have just come off a veryunpleasant journey.

EUCLID. What? by the coach?

RECK. (aside.) No, by the basket. Youmentioned your wife. You are marriedand these are your lodgings?

EUCLID. For the present; I dont thinkI shall stay here.

RECK. Where shall you go then?

EUCLID. (aside.) To Newgate, mostlikely. That, sir, depends entirely uponcircumstances.

Enter FANNY with bottle and glass, R.

RECK. (drinking.) Ha, ha! another(drinks.) very goodno, I dont knowthat it is so very good. Theres a queertwang in this winehave you evernoticed it?

EUCLID. Noyou know I never touchwine.

RECK. Oh, I remember you patronisewater. How queer I feel!

EUCLID. Patronise water! what doyou mean by patronising water? Ohha,ha! you mean I drink it.

RECK. Of course I do. Egad, I wish Ihad drank water instead of this infernalstuff. I feel quite uncomfortable.

EUCLID. (aside.) So do I.

FANNY. (aside.) So do I.

RECK. Really, there was somethingwrong

EUCLID. Nonsensefancy

RECK. (puts his hand to his eyes.)Theres a swimming

(EUCLID and FANNY run to window.

EUCLID. What is afloat?

RECK. OhhhIm going! Therewas something wrong about that wineohwrongvery wrongpoisonwinebad winepoison! (fallssenseless on the sofa. EUCLID andFANNY stare.)

FANNY. (rubs her eyes.) What doesthis mean?

EUCLID. It means theres anothervictim. Oh, Fanny!

FANNY. Oh, sir!

EUCLID. (smells.) There is somethingwrong in this wine.

FANNY. (sobs.) Ohhh! Now I

shall be hanged!

EUCLID. In all human probability. Youhave got two strings to your bow. Soshall I. What makes you pitch upon mefor an accomplice?

FANNY. It was a mistakeohh!

EUCLID. But yours are suchconfounded mistakes. Theres Mr.Basket in the riverReckless is herepoisonedyou and I shall be hangedthat makes four. We shall have seriouslydiminished the population.

FANNY. He had no business to wantwine.

EUCLID. Dissipated wretch, to drink

wine, except after dinner! How intrusiveto call on meI did not ask him.

FANNY. What shall we do with him?Throw him out of the window after Mr.Basket? Oh

EUCLID. There are half a dozen boatspassing. (a double knock.) Oh, theres aknocktheyll come up stairs!

FANNY. Oh, I shall faint!

EUCLID. At this crisis, stupid, thickheaded girl! you must not faint at thiscrisisI want all your assistance. Lockthe door. (she locks R. door.) Well lethim fall into the well of the sofa. (theydo so, by pulling the mattress fromunder him. VOICES heard outside.)

HOLDFAST. (withoutknocking, R.)Euclid! Euclid!

MRS. FACILE. (without, R.) Euclid!Euclid, my love!

FANNY. Oh dear, how heavy!

EUCLID. And there they are outside.There, put the mattressthats rightoh! Now Ill let them in.

FANNY. But Mrs. Facile must not findme locked up with you. You know ofwhat a queer turn of mind she is.

EUCLID. Well, here(takes cover offglobe, and puts it on her head. Takes upbook.)

HOLD.

MRS. F.} Euclid! Euclid!

EUCLID. (opens R. door.) Well, comein.

Enter MR. HOLDFAST and MRS. FACILE,R.

MRS. F. Well sir, you hear us at last.

EUCLID. At last!what did you callmore than once, dear?

MRS. F. Once, indeed! we thought youhad lost your hearing.

HOLD. Yes, and the door locked. Thelady began to grow jealous. She thought

some one else might be locked in. Nevermind, says I, theres no murder going on.

MRS. F. But what were you doing, eh,dear?

EUCLID. Studying, to be surea newsubjecthow to make bodies occupy thesmallest space. Dont you see my book?

MRS. F. Yes, I see a bookupsidedown.

EUCLID. Eh? ahem! Ah, my dear,when you are so used to reading as I am,you wont care which way a bookstands.

MRS. F. And whats the matter?youlook as pale as a ghost.

EUCLID. Ghost!

HOLD. Ha! ha! ha! talking aboutghosts, I expect my friend Fable. Youwill be delighted with Fablea strangefellow, who thinks a legend is attachedto every housea firm believer inghosts, goblins, and all sorts ofcuriositiesand no wonder, for hehimself is a greater curiosity than all hebelieves in. But I hope we have notinterrupted your studies? We want yourdecision on a geographical discussion. Imaintain that Petersburgh is sixtydegrees, north latitude

MRS. F. Sixty-one and a half, my dearsir.

EUCLID. Sixty

MRS. F. One and a half. Obstinatecreature.

HOLD. Well, do not quarrel. Mr.Fergus Fable, my old friends son, willbe here in a minute, and expects to findus a quiet family.

Enter JULIA, R.

Here, Julia, you were at school lastwhat is the lattitude of Petersburgh?

JULIA. I forget, I am sureand theterrestial globe is gone to be repaired.(pointing to cover, which concealsFANNY.) It seems to have come home.

HOLD. Take off the cover, Euclid.

EUCLID. (aside.) Another incident!No, nothis globe is dreadfullyinaccuratefull of mistakes.

MRS. F. Nonsense, dear, it will do.

EUCLID. No, no, no.

JULIA. How very warm he is.

MRS. F. What is come to you? I maylook at it, and will!

EUCLID. No, no; dont touch it!

MRS. F. But, Mr. Euclid, I insist

HOLD. True, truethe globe wasmade to be looked at. Let us settle ourdispute.

EUCLID. The dispute will never besettled. (MRS. FACILE advances againto globe, EUCLID keeping her back;globe moves off, L.)

HOLD. Ha, ha, ha! the globe moves inan eccentric orbitha! ha!

MRS. F. I see it all; it is some evilcreature concealed under the globecover! Ill follow it.

JULIA. So will I.

EUCLID. (holding her back.) No, no,no!

HOLD. Ha! ha! ha!

Enter FABLE, L. as they approach door.

Ah, Fable, my friendhow are you?You have come in time to meet

EUCLID. A quiet family.

MRS. F. Sir, you are the murderer of

EUCLID. Murdererof what?

MRS. F. Of my happiness, sir.

EUCLID. Oh, thats all, is it? Ha! ha!thats nothing.

HOLD. Nay, Mr. Facile, you are goingtoo far.

JULIA. He is getting a most horridhusband.

MRS. F. Hell break my heart!

(crying.)

FABLE. Crying, too! A charmingfamilyand I seem to have called at acrisis.

EUCLID. (aside.) I have a thought! Mydear, you know the gentleman whom Ithrewahem!

MRS. F. Sir!

EUCLID. You knowthe gentleman inthe basket I mean.

MRS. F. Well?

EUCLID. (aside.) He came in hereyou lost him, you knowand hearingMr. Holdfast, I popped the cover on himit was he. (aside.) I wish it had been!

MRS. F. Oh, is that all?what aclever man you are, Euclid. That wasnothing, Mr. Holdfastnothing at all.

HOLD. How very satisfactory!

MRS. F. Only a frolic of myhusbands, funny little man. He meant toastonish you.

HOLD. Egad, he succeeded, too! Inever was so struck in my life!

FABLE. Nor I. I thought there was alegend attached to the house!

EUCLID. And yet, you see, you haddoubts of my fidelity, when I was onlyguilty of(aside.)murder.

MRS. F. Do not be angry; you know

appearances were against you.

HOLD. Well, what say you to a strollon the banks of the river, while supper isgetting ready?

JULIA. Oh, delightful! this is the mostromantic time, twilight.

FABLE. Yes, the very moment for aghost story!

MRS. F. Come, Euclid

FABLE. Well, then, come along, and Iwill tell you a most pleasant story aboutthe ghost of a man who was drownednear this spot.

[Exeunt all but EUCLID, R.

EUCLID. Here I am alone at last. Whatan awful day I have had. Two murdersand a row! I wonder where myunfortunate accomplice is?

Enter FANNY, L.

Ah, Fanny, heigho! How do you do,Fanny?

FANNY. Very ill, indeed, Mr. Facile;think of my nerves being in such a weakstate, from you know what.

EUCLID. Yes.

FANNY. And then my having to cutcapers with that nasty thing over myhead; I should not wonder if I took to my

bed and died.

EUCLID. Then you may think yourselfvery fortunate, I assure you. I expect nosuch luck as to die in my bed.

FANNY. I tried to amuse myself; I tookup an old volume of the NewgateCalender.

EUCLID. Horrid book! It will beincreased some pages soon, I dare say.

FANNY. It was about a man whomurdered another man.

EUCLID. Only killed one man! A merebabe of innocence compared with youand me; but I shall sit up all night, andyou must do the same, and well convey,

you know what, out of here, and pitch itin the river.

Enter ROBERT, R., with cloth, knives,&c.; lays cloth.

Seem as if nothing had happened.

FANNY. Yes; but dont talk, Robert islooking.

ROBERT. Here, Fanny, help me tomove this sofa. How remarkably heavyit is; it feels heavier than usual.

FANNY. Heavy! I think it feels lighterthan usual. Oh dear! there that will do.

Enter HOLDFAST, MRS. FACILE, JULIA,

and FABLE, R. Exit ROBERT, L.

FABLE. A delightful family; the younglady evidently voted me a bore everytime I opened my mouth, and the old mancalls ancient traditions a humbug.(aside.) Goths!

HOLD. You must be hungry, sirhavean appetite for your supper.

FABLE. Why, to tell you the truth, I amrather so; have not tasted a morsel sinceone oclock.

HOLD. Fortunate! we have a gamesupper to-nightgrouse and ptarmigan,which I think youll enjoy.

FABLE. (aside.) Thats the first

pleasant thing Ive heard since I camehere.

EUCLID. (aside.) But I have noappetite.

Enter ROBERT, L.

ROBERT. (entering.) Please, Mr.Fable, your man says theres not alodging to be had in the village.

HOLD. How unfortunate, and everybed here is occupied. (FANNY, who isgoing in and out with supper things,during this dialogue enters R. with atray.) Stop! I have it; that sofa will makeup into a bed; you shall have that.

(FANNY screams and drops the tray.)

FABLE. Capital family! servants dropthe supper.

MRS. F. Careless slut, what did youdrop the tray for?

FANNY. I tell you what, maam, Idont get no wages of youyoure onlya visitor, and I wont stand being talkedto by you. So if you attempts to blow meup, Ill give you a bit of my mind, moremayhap than you like.

FABLE. Theres another row! morequietness. Servants so civiloh,beautiful!

HOLD. Ha, ha, ha! a pretty business;

its too late to get anything. Well, ladiesand gents, I am very sorryvery sorryto send you supperless to bed; but yousee all the circumstancesthe supper isdropped, so Ive no other course than todrop the subject.

FABLE. Splendid entertainment!

HOLD. We have nothing to do but toretire for the night, and leave you, Fable,to repose on the sofa bed.

FANNY. Sir! Oh, oh!sir, the sofacant be made upwe have no bed.

EUCLID. (aside.) Some good spiritinspired that thoughta reprieve.

FABLE. Oh, very well then, Ill lay

down on the sofa as it is. (aside.)Charming accomodation!

HOLD. Why, my dear sir, I see noother course. I am very sorry you came

EUCLID. (aside.) So am I.

HOLD. Under such awkwardcircumstances; always happy to see you,you know.

MRS. F. Well, I think we may as wellretire; dont you, Mr. Facile?

EUCLID. Ahem! My dear, I mustthatisyes, I must sit up rather late, tofinish a job I have in handan articlefor the Philosophical Repository.

MRS. F. Ah, if your gallantry wereequal to your philosophy, what adifferent husband you would be.

[Exeunt MRS. FACILE and JULIA,with candle, R.

HOLD. Good night; you will not findyour nights rest spoiled by a hot supper,Fergus, ha, ha, ha!

[Exit, R.

EUCLID. (whispers.) Fanny, as soonas he is asleep, you must come here withme, bring your scissors, and well cut acertain gentleman out of the side of thesofa; for we shall not be able to fish himup while this fellow is asleep over him.

FANNY. Suppose we wake him.

EUCLID. Then we must kill him too.

[Exit, R.

FABLE. Rather a pretty girl that! Illtalk to her. You need not hurry yourself,my dear.

FANNY. I dont wish to keep you fromsleeping, sir.

FABLE. I aint at all sleepy.

FANNY. Horrid man! howinconvenient! (aside.) You must besleepy; you ought to be sleepy; and thebest thing you can do is, to go to sleep asfast as you can, and continue sleeping as

soundly as possible.

[Exit FANNY, R.

FABLE. Ill go to-morrow. Hang me ifever I met with such a family in my life!(lies down on sofa.) Such capering,quarrelling, blowing up and fasting. Ugh!let me go to sleep and forget theirexistence. (EUCLID and FANNY are seenat the door R. with scissors and darklanthorn.) Charming familysupperdropped(dosing.)

EUCLID. Hes going off.

FANNY. Yes, so shall I to-morrow. ToMerrikey most likely.

EUCLID. But now to business.

FANNY. Heigho! this is not making abusiness of a pleasure.

EUCLID. Look at his ugly facehe isasleep.

(holds lanthorn in Fables face.

FABLE. (starting up and knockinglanthorn out of Euclids hand with hishead.) What the devil is that? Oh, myhead! There was a flashand a rap onthe skulland a jingle! What the devilcan it mean? (stage dark.)

EUCLID. Now what shall we do? Weare extinguished.

FANNY. Oh, my poor nerves! Howthick-headed of the man to wake! We

shall never get the poor gentleman out.

FABLE. There is a kind of whisperingnoise. Egad! there must be a legendattached to this house. Imuncomfortable.

FANNY.

EUCLID. } So am I.EUCLID. Well find the way out.

Wheres the door?

(groping aboutsneezes.

FABLE. The cats in the room, sure.(the mattress rises up and down.) Whaton earth is this? theres something movesthere must be a legend! Oh! keep quiet

there!

FANNY. I cant find the door. Someone must have taken it off its hinges.

EUCLID. Yes, and that cursed fellowis going to hallo.

(RECKLESS darts up, throws themattress, with FABLE on it, to aconsiderable distance.

FABLE. Murder! the devil! thieves!fire! Mr. Holdfast!

Enter HOLDFAST, with candle, R.EUCLID and FANNY throw their arms

round Recklesss neck.

HOLD. What an infernal noise! Whatis the meaning of all this? Three huggingone another, and a fourth bawling outmurder! Who the deuce is this?

EUCLID. Oh, I forgotyou are notintroduced. Mr. Holdfast, Mr. RecklessMr. Reckless, Mr. Holdfast!

HOLD. Very proudvery happy. Howthe devil did he get here?

FANNY. You dear man, for keepingalive. Oh, you dear.

EUCLID. A particular friend of mine.

HOLD. A particular friend of Fannystoo, it seems? And what was the matterwith you, Fergus?

FABLE. Matter! Everything. Your sofachucks people on the floor, Mr. Holdfast.

(bell rings.

HOLD. More visitors?

Enter ROBERT, L.

ROBERT. A man wants to see FannyPepper. He has found a basket in theriver directed to

FANNY. Send him away. I dont wantit. Oh, I forgot that in my joyI forgotthere was two of them. I will not havethe basket.

EUCLID. No. Robert, kick the man

down stairs and the basket after him.

HOLD. Nonsense! You dont knowwhats in the basket.

FANNY. Oh, but I do.

EUCLID. No, you dont.

FANNY. No, nono more I do. But Ihate baskets; they frightened me, when achild, with a wicker-work rattle.

HOLD. It may be something valuable.

EUCLID. Well, whats that to us, if thegirl dont want it? We have no right tocram things down her throat.

TOM. (without.) Mr. Reckless is hereI know he is.

RECK. Thats my rascals voice. Imhere.

Enter TOM, drunk, L.

FANNY. That faithless Tom!

TOM. (hiccups.) Ive brought a letter,sir. (gives letter.) I knew you was here,cos you know I haha And I knowwhat the letter is about, the bearerthereof told me thereofoldGuineamore is no more.

RECK. I am De Mowbray; my realname is Reckless. This letter willconvince you I have a handsome fortuneat my disposal, if I may be allowed to

lay it at the feet of Miss Flighty.

EUCLID. Mowbray! Mowbray! here!You did not come in a basket, and seemy wife?

RECK. Yes, but I did though.

EUCLID. Then theres nobody killed,tol-de-rol! Fanny, theres nobody killed.

Enter MRS. FACILE and JULIA, R.

JULIA. De Mowbray!

RECK. Reckless, dear Julia, if youplease.

HOLD. Yes, my dear, he is agentleman of whom I approve, and you

may take him as soon as you please.

TOM. And, Fanny, we cannot dobetter than follow so good an example.(takes her hand.)

FABLE. A monstrous pleasant joke.Catch me here again in a hurry.

HOLD. Whats all this about a basket?

EUCLID. Why this gentleman has beentwice killed. Ill tell you all at breakfast;now let us retire to rest after the troublesof this eventful night, and contrive not todream.

FANNY. At any rate not of bottles andbaskets.

EUCLID. And now, ladies and

gentlemen, that youve seen my friend,Reckless Twice Killed, let us hopethat you will, at length, allow him to liveuninterruptedlyuninterruptedly, did Isay? No; for if my innocentdelinquencies did serve to amuse you, Ishall feel the greatest pleasure in killinghim twice more to-morrow.

TOM ., FAN., MRS.F., EUC., JULIA, RECK., HOLD.,

R.

CURTAIN.

Transcribers Note

This transcription is based on imagesdigitized by Google from a copy madeavailable by the Ohio State University andposted by the HathiTrust at:

catalog.hathitrust.org/Record/ 100593073

Because a few page scans had text cut offnext to the margin, this transcription hasbeen compared with the text posted by theVictorian Plays Project at:

victorian. nuigalway.ie

In general, this transcription attempts toretain the punctuation and spelling of thesource text. Variant spellings have beenretained, including calender, terrestial,accomodation, and dosing (fordozing), as have inconsistent spellings

such as lattitude and latitude. Obviouserrors have been corrected. The use of itsand its has been made consistent.

The following changes were noted:

Frontispiece: The punctuation of thecaption text has been made consistentwith the script text.

p. 3: though its utility exceeds itsbeautyChanged its to its in bothcases.

p. 5: its very unkind of youChangedits to its.

p. 6: X plus Y. equal toDeletedthe period after Y.

p. 8: [MEN do so and exeunt., L. H.Deleted the period after exeunt.p. 13: FANNY. (screams,) Oh!Changed the comma after screams to

a period.

p. 14: I was rowing past a quarter of ahhour ago.Changed ah to an.

p. 17: Mr. Feargus Fable, my oldfriends son, will be here in a minuteChanged Feargus to Fergus forconsistency.

p. 17: what is the lattitude ofPetersburgh.Changed the periodafter Petersburgh to a question mark.

p. 20: Careless slut, what did you dropthe tray for:Changed the colon afterfor to a question mark.

p. 21: always happy to see you, youknowInserted a period after youknow.

p. 21: I must sit up rather rate, tofinish a jobChanged rate to late.

p. 24: TOM., FAN., MRS. F., EUC.,JULIA., RECK., HOLD., FAB.Deleted the period after JULIA.

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CHARACTERS.COSTUMES.TWICE KILLED.Transcribers Note