“Valentine’s Night”

by

Les Simpson

!

les.simpson@me.com

EXT./INT. DREAMSCAPE

The screen is black. There is heavy breathing. Running. Cut to tennis shoes running down a sidewalk. The color is distorted. Wrong. Day? Night? Impossible to tell. Cut back to black, but breathing, running continues, uninterrupted. Cut to tennis shoes running through grass. Again, everything is wrong. Unnatural. Cut back to black. Cut to tennis shoes running across a creaking, hardwood floor, covered in monstrous, writhing, snake-ish shadows. Cut to black. Cut to tennis shoes running through a forest-like area, jumping over a shallow creek. The shoes stop. The runner is breathing heavy, but strange, unearthly sounds in the distance are growing louder. The camera pans up to reveal the winded face of NEIL JACKSON. He is staring straight ahead. The camera pulls back to reveal he is staring at a thin tree. He swallows hard and slowly walks forward, disappearing as he walks past. He is now in a red-lit hallway. Eyes wide, he looks around, and an open hand slaps him in the back of the head. He jerks and the camera does a quick, blurry cut to...

INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - MORNING

The disapproving scowl of FELIX MONDALE, sitting at a table, eating breakfast.

FELIXAre you even listening to me?

NEIL(rubbing back of head)

What?

FELIX(tired or repeating)

Did. You. See. What. Carly. Thurman. Was wearing. Yesterday?

Neil stares at Felix uncomprehendingly.

FELIXIt was so totally tacky.

NEILUh. Ok.

The camera pulls back to reveal SIMON GATES and NORMA ATWOOD, sitting at the same table (Simon with Neil, Norma with Felix). Collectively, they are the “OMEGA GEEKS”. Norma drinks milk nosily through her straw.

! 1 !

SIMONIsn't that her thing?

NORMATacky’s a thing?

SIMONFor Carly, at least.

FELIX"Tacky Chic - Why be different when you can be unique?"

NORMAHipstsers...

SIMONCarly's not a hipster. Hipsters are cool.

FELIXWhat’s that supposed to mean?

NORMAI'm pretty sure it means Carly isn't cool.

FELIXShe's cooler than you, Norma!

NORMAFelix, look at us. All of us. That isn't saying much...

SIMONWhy do you care what Carly’s wearing?

FELIXShe’s hanging with my sister!

NORMAAnd he’s crushing and today’s Valentine’s Day and --

FELIXI am not!

SIMONThen why do you care, guy?

! 2 !

FELIX(pointing)

Because they care!

The camera pans with a whoosh from Felix’s pointed finger across the cafeteria to where OLIVIA QUINN, DAVID WRIGHT, and the “ALPHA JOCKS” (CHINO HERNANDEZ, TONY TORO, ASTON MATHIS, and COLBY SPITZ) are sitting. Aston points back, and Colby slams his fists onto the table, glaring at the camera/Felix.

COLBYYou want something, Nerd-linger?

The camera pans with a whoosh back to Felix, who looks like he is about to faint or throw-up.

FELIXUh. No. I'm good. Want me to get you some more milk?

Colby pretends to spring from the table, causing Felix to flinch back into Norma, knocking her out of her chair. Olivia, David, and the Alpha Jocks break out into a fit of cruel laughter, then get up to leave. Sitting on the floor, Norma notices a handmade Valentine's card in Felix's backpack, then Simon's extended hand. With a smile, she takes it.

FELIXSorry, Norma.

NORMAFelix Mondale, you’re an idiot.

SIMONYou know better than to draw their attention!

FELIXAnd that’s why Carly Thurman dressing so totally tacky all the time is a problem!

NORMAWhat?

SIMONYou lost me, guy. And Neil, too.

! 3 !

The camera pans over to Neil, staring down at something in his hands, distant horror on his face. The sounds of the Dreamscape can be faintly heard. Felix slaps him in the back of the head.

FELIXDang it, Neil! Why aren’t you paying attention today?!?

NEILWhat?

SIMON(reaching over)

What do you keep looking at?

Neil struggles, but Simon is too fast, reaching into his lap.

SIMONGot it!

Felix and Norma exchange a worried/disgusted glance. Cut back to Simon triumphantly holding up a Super Challenge Battle Monster card. It’s old, with ghastly artwork. He turns to look at it.

SIMONWhat the heck is this?

NEILA Super Challenge Battle Monster card.

FELIXOMG! What are you doing with a Super Challenge Battle Monster card!?!?

NEILI don’t know.

FELIXGeez, like I don’t have enough of an image problem. My sister’s hanging out with Carly Thurman and my loyal minion is playing a kids’ card game...

NEILMinion?

SIMONChill out, Felix. Everyone used to play Super Challenge Battle Monsters.

! 4 !

FELIXUsed to, Simon. We’re in high school, now. It’s social suicide!

NORMAYou’re taking this way too seriously.

FELIXOne of us finally has to, Norma. Is it going to be you and all your glee club musical crap? No. Is it going to be Simon and his unhealthy obsession with Chuck Norris films? No. And Neil --

Neil is staring up at the card in Simon’s hand, transfixed with fear and awe. Sounds from the Dreamscape build, but it is clear only Neil hears them. Felix shakes his head with disgust.

FELIXLook, surviving high school is like some kind of twisted game. You make the wrong choices and you’re doomed for all eternity.

NORMASheesh, Felix. Drama much?

SIMONThere is life after high school, guy.

FELIXBut that life is determined by the choices we make in high school. The people we know, the grades we make, the extracurricular stuff. It all determines which college we go to, and that determines what type of jobs we get. I mean, this is high stakes stuff! We’ve got to get it together before senior year!

NORMAYou geek on science fiction.

FELIXIt’s career research, and only in my private life.

SIMON

! 5 !

I think we should just keep being ourselves. Who cares what those hosers think!?

FELIXUgh. You people are clueless. Maybe I should dress all tacky chic and get it over with.

NORMADoes Carly know you care so much about what she wears? It’s kinda sweet.

FELIXFor the last time, it’s not like that!

SIMONDenial is not just a river in Africa...

NORMALike Carly would pay any attention to him anyway. She’s still all about --

FELIXDon’t even say his name.

NORMAEddie Jacobs.

The camera whooshes to a hipster student, EDDIE JACOBS, walking buy, scribbling in his journal. He looks up, and the camera whooshes back to Felix.

FELIXAm I just talking to myself?

NEILSimon, can I have my card back, please?

SIMON(looking over card)

Dupe-A-Non. I don’t remember any Super Challenge Battle Monster called Dupe-A-Non. Where’d you get it?

NEILUnder my bed.

SIMON

! 6 !

Weird.

NORMAMust be ultra-rare. You should sell it on eBay!

NEILNo!

FELIXJust take it home, Neil, and please don’t bring it around us again.

NEILOk. Bye!

Happily, Neil gets up from the table and leaves.

SIMONWell, that was weird.

NORMAWell, that is Neil. Do you think he's really going home?

SIMONIt's 7:45 in the morning. He's going to the bathroom. That guy's as regular as clockwork.

FELIXThat guy’s doomed, and if we’re not careful, he’s going to take us all down with him.

NORMAYou wanna kick him out of our group? We’ve known him since second grade!

FELIXYeah... but this is high school.

EXT. COURTYARD - MORNING

Expressionless, Neil walks away from the the cafeteria.

INT. BOY'S BATHROOM - DAY

! 7 !

Neil enters and checks the stalls to make sure he is alone. He looks in the mirror and pulls out “Dupe-A-Non”.

NEILOk. Let's do this.

Neil turns away from the mirror, but his reflection remains, its face contorting into a smiling, monstrous visage. Neil opens a stall door and finds himself in...

INT. RED HALLWAY, DREAMSCAPE

Neil cautiously walks down a long, red-lit hall with deep shadows. The strange, alien sounds grow louder and louder, causing Neil to stop and cringe and then... painful silence.

NEILHello?

"Monster-Cam" POV shot, rushing at Neil's terrified, screaming face. Cut to opening credits.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT - MORNING

MONDALE'S car whips into her parking space, almost hitting two STUDENTS. The Alpha Jocks, huddled around Colby's car, point and laugh as CARLY THURMAN and MONDALE scramble out of the vehicle.

ASTONNice driving, ladies, but if you're looking for a real fast time, you should come hang with us for a while!

The Alpha Jocks whistle and catcall. Mondale bristles, ready to attack, but Carly puts her hand on her friend's arm.

CARLYIgnore them, Mondale. We're going to be late.

COLBYIt's Valentine's! Come give us a hug!

MONDALEDidn't your dad buy you a taser just for this type of situation, Carly?

CARLY

! 8 !

Yes, but my mom said it's best to avoid trouble whenever possible.

MONDALEYou can't always go through life avoiding things.

The Alpha Jocks snicker as Chino throws a bottle at the girls. Carly jerks her head, dodging without even turning around.

CARLYSo far, so good!

TONYYou're a freak, Carly Thurman!

EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - MORNING

CARLYWhy do I get attention from the wrong kind of guys? Why never someone who, you know, gets me?!?

MONDALEI’d hate to meet the guy that does get you, Carly. I really would.

CARLYI don't think you have anything to worry about...

MONDALESo, things didn’t go well last night. That why you didn’t text or Facebook or anything? I thought your phone might have died again.

CARLYIt did, but, no, things didn’t go badly. They just didn’t... go.

MONDALEHe didn’t even notice you, huh?

CARLYNotice? Yes. Acknowledge? No.

MONDALE

! 9 !

Well, I guess that’s some improvement...

CARLYWhy doesn’t he ever talk to me? We’ve gone to school together for eight years!

Felix steps out in front of Carly and Mondale, blocking them. He’s holding a homemade Valentine’s card against his chest.

FELIXGood morning, Carly. Hello, Sara Jean Nicole.

MONDALEYou want me to hurt you in front of all these people, don’t you.

FELIXGo ahead. You already drove off and left me this morning. I had to ride the bus!

MONDALEAnd you beat us here, so quit whining.

CARLYOne time, in 6th Grade, he said “Excuse me” when he accidentally hit me in the face with his backpack.

MONDALEYou were standing right beneath his locker, hoping he’d notice you.

FELIXWho?

MONDALEYou know who.

Like in the cafeteria, the camera whooshes over to Eddie Jacobs, who is sitting on a bench, writing in his journal. He looks up and the camera whooshes back. Felix storms off, ripping up the Valentine’s card.

CARLYAnd that one time in 8th grade --

! 10 !

MONDALEIn other news, you think we'll do math in Stadenko's class this morning?

CARLYI actually like his slide shows. He's so enthusiastic about --

MONDALEMythology crap. I still can't believe he put David, Olivia, and "Sure Thing" Shelly in our group.

CARLYThey're just --

MONDALEQuit defending them, Carly. They're So not worth it.

INT. MR. STADENKO’S CLASS - MORNING

MR. STADENKO stands at the front of the class, clipboard in hand, full of notes. Carly and Mondale pass in front of him to take their seats. The school bell rings.

MR. STADENKOJust under the wire, ladies. You know I hate tardies. So, uh, let me take attendance here. To spice it up today, reverse alphabetical order! David Wright?

Seated with Carly and Mondale, next to Olivia, David raises his hand.

DAVIDPresent.

Mr. Stadenko continues his roll call. Mondale turns to Carly, who is plugging in her cellphone.

MONDALEHey. Your dad’s back in town?

CARLYWas. On his way back out this morning.

MONDALE

! 11 !

Ah, the life of a pilot. Kinda sucks for you... but you could throw a killer Valentine's party tonight.

MR. STADENKOCarly Thurman?

CARLYHere! (whispers) He knows I’m here. And that's never going to happen. Ever.

MR. STADENKOOlivia Quinn?

OLIVIAPresent. (Leaning over to Carly and Mondale) And just as a quick public service announcement? No one would be caught dead at a tacky little Carly Thurman party. Ever.

Mondale is ready to fly into attack mode, but...

MR. STADENKOSara Mondale?

MONDALE(sighs)

Just Mondale, please. (whispers) For the 100th time... You could invite you-know-who, you know.

CARLY(whispers)

He won’t even talk to me!

MONDALE(whispers)

Just talk to him, already!

CARLY(whispers)

I’m not going to talk to him first!

MONDALE(whispers)

Look, I know your mom --

CARLY

! 12 !

(whispers)My mom said never talk to boys first.

MONDALE(whispers)

Sweetie, your mom’s not around anymore!

Carly’s face shows the comment cut deep.

MONDALE(whispers)

I didn’t mean it to come out like that.

CARLY(whispers)

It’s ok. But because she’s... not around, I honor her advice. No matter how frustrating. I’ve seen what happens when you just throw yourself at boys.

The classroom door opens and dramatically closes. SHELLY ZAPATA stands there, out of breath.

SHELLYSorry, Mr. Stadenko!

CARLYShelly happens.

MR. STADENKOUh, Shelly Zapata. I just finished taking roll. Let me change this.

Shelly joins Carly, Mondale, David, and Olivia.

SHELLYOMG. I saw the cutest boy last night!

OLIVIAReally? Just "saw"? That's a first.

SHELLYWhat?

DAVIDOlivia! Don’t be like that! We’re gonna be in the same group for three more weeks!

! 13 !

MR. STADENKOOk, class. Let's get started.

The lights go down and Mr. Stadenko brings up the first image of his slideshow, a twisted, angry face painted by an ancient culture.

MR. STADENKOAs I'm sure you all remember, the Zenda believed that creating art was a direct link to the worlds beyond and --

Carly’s phone goes off, receiving a text message. Carly grabs it and turns it back off, but not before seeing the text message: “Smile, Kiddo. I’m thinking about you. Love, Dad.” Carly can’t help but smile.

MR. STADENKOOk, Carly, I was willing to overlook the side conversations while I was taking attendance. I guess I was hoping you were just discussing important points of these workshops on our pre-Atlantean civilization studies, but --

CARLYI was just --

MONDALECharging my phone. It died.

MR. STADENKOAnd... you wanted to resurrect it in my classroom?

MONDALEOf course. I wanted to tweet about how great your workshops are, Mr. Stadenko. My mind? Blown.

MR. STADENKOThat’s really something. Mind blown. Just like the Zenda encountering the eldritch evil Rahk-tel-outha!

MONDALEJust like.

OLIVIA

! 14 !

Uhm. What?

MR. STADENKOOlivia, you big kidder. The Zenda! The pre-Atlantean civilization we’re work-shopping about! The people everyone thought were myth until that earthquake in the Yucatan nine years ago!

Mr. Stadenko clicks back through his slideshow, displaying gruesome ancient artifacts, pictures, and finally a newspaper with the front page headline “RECORD EARTHQUAKE REVEALS PRE-RECORDED HISTORY” and a picture of a massive hole/canyon in the middle of the jungle. From out of the depths shine broken, ancient and almost alien temple ruins.

MONDALE(lying)

You know, Olivia. We were just having that conversation yesterday about the prophecy of their totem spirits returning someday for unholy vengeance.

OLIVIA(lying)

Oh, yeah.

MONDALE(lying)

Uh-huh. And Rock-tell-outhouse --

MR. STADENKORahk-tel-outha.

MONDALE(lying)

Right. And Rahk-tel-outha would follow those spirits into our world and claim it as his own. And you said...

OLIVIAUhh...

MONDALE(enjoying)

It was really insightful and relevant. I’d like to hear it again. I’m not that good at remembering things...

! 15 !

Olivia swallows hard and grips David’s hand, eyes begging him for help. But help doesn’t come from David.

CARLYShe said their artistic style was very rich but also primal, and she saw evidence of Egyptian, Hellenistic, and Mayan influence.

MR. STADENKOWonderful observation, Olivia. And yes, all those civilizations were influenced by the Zenda, and many more! All through Asia. South America. Australia. Did you know the Zenda had their own concept of Dreamtime, like the Aborigines of the Australian Outback?

OLIVIAWell, of course!

MR. STADENKOYou’ve been reading my advanced notes!

OLIVIAI’m going for A’s this trimester!

Mr. Stadenko continues with his slideshow.

MR. STADENKOSo, even though the Zendain empire was dust before the pyramids in Egypt were built, and considered nothing more than a legend until this century, their influence can still be found today.

DAVIDThat’s a little hard to believe, Sir.

MR. STADENKOWhy so, David?

DAVIDIf no one knew they were real, how could they have any influence?

MR. STADENKOWell, before the earthquake, no one knew of their influence. Scholars

! 16 !

simply chalked up cross-cultural similarities to the theory of “universal archetypes”. You know, Joseph Campbell, Carl Jung?

OLIVIAI figured as much...

MR. STADENKOBut, now we have some of the Zenda’s artifacts, we can go back and connect dots we didn’t even know were there!

OLIVIAI like dots. I mean, not as much as Carly and her tacky chic obsession, but I credit that to having good taste.

MR. STADENKOClothing is a perfect example of Zendain influence. Anyone recognize this brand? Or this?

Mr. Stadenko pulls up clothing logos in his slideshow.

SHELLYI bought my brother one of those shirts for his birthday.

OLIVIAI'm so not surprised. They’re pretty cheap.

DAVIDOlivia!

SHELLYWhat's that supposed to mean?

OLIVIANothing. Don't be so sensitive!

Carly and Mondale share a look, and the oblivious Mr. Stadenko pulls “Ternogog”, another strange Super Challenge Battle Monster card, out of his front pocket.

MR. STADENKOWell, does anyone recognize this?

! 17 !

DAVIDIt looks like a Super Challenge Battle Monster card.

CARLY(whispers)

I was never any good at that game...

MR. STADENKOIs it yours?

DAVIDYeah, right.

MR. STADENKOOh. Well, someone left it on my desk. And I’m glad they did. Look at this!

Mr. Stadenko clicks to a new projected picture, a small, twisted statue that looks like Ternogog.

MR. STADENKOIt’s really something. So similar. I almost can’t take my mind off of it...

Mr. Stadenko again stares at the card, enraptured.

MONDALEYou’ve done it again, Mr. Stadenko. My mind? Blown.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING

Carly and Mondale walk the hall, dodging a girl rushing into a boy’s arms after he presents her with a box of chocolates.

MONDALEWhy did you come to her rescue? I had her on the ropes! She was squirming!

CARLYDon’t you remember when we were kids? We all got along. Olivia was nice.

MONDALEPuberty turned her into a monster. I hope she dies.

CARLY

! 18 !

Wow.

MONDALESeriously. I wouldn’t cross the street to put her out if she was on fire.

CARLYYes you would. You’re a good person.

MONDALEBut she’s not. You saved her prissy butt in front of Stadenko and she turned right around and slammed you. And Shelly. And Stadenko didn’t even notice!

CARLYHe was just wrapped up in his Zenda workshop. He’s so passionate about --

MONDALEWe’re never gonna do any math in there.

CARLYWell, I study it all, anyway, just to be safe. I’m always afraid of not knowing stuff on tests.

MONDALEIt's a bunch of mythological crap. Waste of time...

Carly and Mondale stroll past Simon and Norma. The girls walk on by and, having safely avoided them, Felix steps around the corner, into Norma and Simon’s conversation.

NORMANot a peep.

SIMONAnd he’s not answering any of my texts. Hey, guy!

FELIXWhat are you two babbling about?

SIMON & NORMANeil.

! 19 !

FELIXHe wasn't in your first period class?

NORMANope. So, did you give her the card?

As Felix opens his mouth to speak, Shelly walks up behind him.

SHELLYOk, which one of you gave me the card?

FELIXWhat?

Shelly pulls “Struthtek”, another weathered old Super Challenge Battle Monster card from her purse.

SHELLYI appreciate the sentiment and the mystery. Really. I mean, when this thing just showed up in my purse, I’ll admit I was surprised. And a little confused.

The Omega Geeks exchange confused looks.

SHELLYThen I remembered it’s Valentine’s Day, and decided it was probably some kind of geeky token of affection, so it obviously came from one of you two.

Shelly flirtatiously points from Felix to Simon, and both attempt to speak, but Shelly doesn’t give them a chance.

SHELLYNo. No need to explain, boys. It’s ok. And, again, I appreciate the thought, but I’m just not interested. I’m flattered. Not interested. Ok? Good.

Shelly acts as if she is going to hand “Struthtek” to Felix, but quickly takes it back, eyeing them suspiciously.

SHELLYI’ll just... keep this. For sentimental reasons. You know. Because you’re both so... sweet.

! 20 !

Shelly blows both boys a kiss and walks off.

NORMAValentine’s Day really brings out the bizarro in people.

FELIXIt was a Super Challenge Battle Monster. You know what that means? Neil!

SIMONBut nobody’s seen him since breakfast!

FELIXBecause he doesn’t want to be seen! Don’t you get it? He put that card in Shelly’s purse and he’s been creeping around, waiting for her to react!

NORMAThat’s a little extra weird, even for Neil...

FELIXOh, come on! We’re talking about Neil Frakking Jackson. He pretended to choke that one time just so Ms. Stanza would put her arms around him in a Heimlich maneuver.

SIMONAh, Ms. Stanza...

Simon and Felix wear wistful grins until Norma punches them both in the arm.

NORMASo, Felix, how’d your Valentine’s card delivery go?

FELIXI don’t know what you’re talking about.

SIMONThat good, huh guy?

FELIX(defensive)

! 21 !

Clearly you two are mistaken. Maybe because you’re just pre-occupied and worried about admitting your true feelings for each other? I mean, I could cut the romantic tension between you two with a knife!

The bell rings and Felix turns to walk off.

FELIXHonesty, people! It’ll set you free!

Simon and Norma exchange an embarrassed glance and quickly go their separate ways. Felix gives a giant sigh of relief and walks into...

INT. LOCKER ROOM - MORNING

The Alpha Jocks attack. Chino and Tony pin Felix up against the lockers, and Colby gets in his face with a deadly serious glare. Aston paces like a hungry wolf.

COLBYOk, Nerd-linger. You give her the card?

FELIXNo! I ripped it up. How does everyone know I was going to give Carly --

ASTONShelly Zapata. The card. You give it to her?

FELIXNo!

ASTONI hope not. See, I’ve got dibs on “Sure Thing” Shelly for Valentine’s.

The Alpha Jocks chuckle with approval.

FELIXUh, congratulations? What a lucky girl!

CHINOI don’t think I believe this guy. I saw her blow him a kiss in the hall.

! 22 !

FELIXAw, frak.

ASTONIs that a fact?

Colby pulls back his fist, ready to cave-in Felix’s face.

COLBYYou tryin’ to ruin Aston’s Valentine night, Nerd-linger?

FELIXNo! Aston’s awesome! Let me explain!

The PA system crackles to life, echoing in the locker room.

PA VOICETeachers and students, please pardon this interruption. Would Olivia Quinn, Felix Mondale, Janet Montaigne, and Tiffany Parker please report to the front office? Again, Olivia Quinn, Felix Mondale, Janet Montaigne, and Tiffany Parker, please report to the front office. Thank you.

FELIXLet me explain... after I get finished in the office. I mean, they’re looking for me, so I’d better go. You know. Fully intact and everything.

Aston nods, and the Alpha Jocks let Felix go. Felix quickly scampers out of their way, but calls back to them.

FELIXThanks, guys. Really. We’ll chat later. Big misunderstanding. Really. Big.

Felix darts out the door, and the scene ends just before Colby punches a locker door, cutting to

INT. MS. CONNOR’S THEATER CLASS - NOON

Norma slams a book down on the table she is sharing with her group members: PATRICIA PEÑA, AUSTIN KLEIN, and DIANNA GORDON.

NORMA

! 23 !

It’s big! Dramatic! We have to make a remarkable first impression!

AUSTINI don’t think blasting the judges with glitter cannons is the kind of first impression we want...

NORMABut it immediately gets their attention and draws them into our opening song! If we don't open big, we've lost them!

DIANNAI think Austin’s right, Norma. There’s better ways to make a first impression.

NORMALike what?

In slow-motion, music blaring, Ms. Connor’s door swings open. BRADLEY VALENTINE, Olivia Quinn, Felix Mondale, JANET MONTAIGNE and TIFFANY PARKER stroll into the room. Bradley is cool personified. The girls are almost tripping over themselves as they stare at him in adoration. Felix is disgusted.

FELIXMs. Connor’s theater arts class, on behalf of student council, we’d like to introduce you to Bradley Valentine. Yes, that’s his real name. I checked. Twice.

BRADLEYGreetings and salutations.

The class is captivated, quiet, on the edge of their seats. Tiffany and Janet giggle, but Olivia is in hostess mode.

OLIVIABradley just enrolled this morning and will be taking this class with you, so make sure to make him feel welcome!

Patricia falls out of her chair. Across the room, Shelly jumps to her feet.

SHELLY

! 24 !

Hey! I saw you last night! My name's Shelly and --

Her eyes roll back in her head for a moment and she shakes. Dreamscape noises. Then, as if nothing happened...

SHELLYCheck out this awesome card, Bradley!

OLIVIAEww. We’re continuing the tour now. Thanks for your attention.

In slow motion, music blaring, Bradley and his entourage leave. The door slams behind them, jarring the class back to reality.

PATRICIALike, whoa.

INT. HALLWAY - NOON

Still in slow motion, music blaring, Bradley and his entourage prowl down the hall. STUDENTS peek out of doors, including Aston. Close-up on his face as his frown grows furious.

EXT. COURTYARD - NOON

Carly and Mondale are eating lunch, sitting on the same bench Eddie Jacobs was sitting on earlier that morning.

CARLYIs he still there?

The camera whooshes over to Eddie, standing by a door, reading his journal. He looks up. The camera whooshes back to Mondale.

MONDALEStill there.

CARLYOne time, in 9th Grade, he said, “Here” when he picked up my pencil for me.

MONDALEYou scratched “Love you!” in it and deliberately dropped it in front of him. Twice!

CARLY

! 25 !

And he didn’t even read it... Why?

MONDALECarly, you're just going to have to get over Eddie Jacobs. He’s a hipster dou--

CARLYDew?

In slow motion, music blaring, Bradley and his entourage burst through the door, knocking Eddie out of the way. They walk through a group of STUDENTS, who part like the Red Sea for them, and enter the cafeteria.

MONDALEDid you see that? Who was that guy?

CARLYShould I go and see if Eddie’s ok?

MONDALE(sighs)

Forget it. Let’s hit the gym.

INT. CAFETERIA - NOON

Bradley and his entourage slow-mo through the tables. As they walk by, people forget to keep eating.

OLIVIAAnd the menu’s posted online, so you’ll know when to bring your lunch.

BRADLEYIt’s cool. I mean, I’m used to getting grub off campus or in little restaurants in the caff itself, but this’s copacetic. Kinda quaint, even.

The tour guide girls are transfixed by Bradley’s slang.

TIFFANYWow, Bradley. Where’d you learn to talk like that?

JANET(eagerly)

Yeah!

! 26 !

BRADLEYAll over. I’m a pretty mobile cat. Can you get with it?

JANET & TIFFANYTotally!

OLIVIA(clears throat)

So, let’s check out the gym, uh, scene. It’s where people hang out at lunch.

INT. GYM - NOON

Bradley and his entourage step through the doors of the gym, surveying the scene. The camera pans around, showing most of the kids talking, being generally mature. There are balloons, flowers, and chocolates. At the far end of the courtyard, Mondale watches Carly, Simon, and THREE RANDOM KIDS playing “Ninja”. Olivia spies them and shakes her head.

OLIVASo embarrassing.

BRADLEYWhat’s the story?

OLIVAThey’re being stupid.

FELIXThey’re playing “Ninja”.

BRADLEYOoooh, really...

The camera whooshes from Bradley's line of sight to Carly, who is dodging attempted slaps with almost supernatural ease. Cut back to his smile and freeze-frame with Olivia in the background, mid-eye-roll. Cut to a hand-drawn, vaguely card-like instruction set on how to play “Ninja”. The camera pans across the cards as Simon and Norma’s heads “pop in” with instructions.

SIMONThe rules for “Ninja”. It’s good to play with a big group of people. The bigger the better. Well, don’t get carried away. Not, like, a hundred or anything.

! 27 !

NORMAFirst, you decide who the “Ninja Master” is. You can flip a coin, play rock-paper-scissors, whatever.

SIMONThen, take your hands and put them together, from your chest out, straight arms. Everyone puts their hands in the middle, counts to three, and then leaps back as far as they can, going into a ninja-style pose.

NORMAThen, everyone takes turns, starting with the “Ninja Master”, clockwise. On your turn, you can move as far as you can, one step in any direction.

SIMONAnd what you’re trying to do is slap somebody else’s hand. You can tap it, slap it, whatever. As long as you get to their hand, you tag them out.

NORMAAs soon as you see someone coming after you, you can move your arms out of the way, but if it’s not your turn, you can’t step away. You just have to kinda hope you can move your arms out of the way from wherever they’re jumping at you from.

SIMONSo, that’s where you wind up with people looking like ninjas in slow motion. Even when you get tagged out, it’s still pretty fun to watch.

SIMON & NORMAAnd that’s how you play “Ninja”.

Cut back to the freeze-frame of Bradley and Olivia. The action resumes.

OLIVIA

! 28 !

It’s completely juvenile. This is what happens when you have a closed campus at lunch. I’m so sorry you had to see this, Brad.

BRADLEYBradley, and don’t sweat it. I dig this kind of crazy scene!

FELIXWhat?

Bradley strolls over to the starting “Ninja” game, bringing a crowd with him. When he puts his hands in the middle, Janet and Tiffany immediately do the same. Felix is about to join them, trying to be next to Carly, but is pushed backwards into Olivia by the other hands eager to play.

OLIVIAHe’s really going out of his way to be nice to everyone....

The game is intense. Lots of extreme close-ups on eyes and hands being slapped, kids leaping over the camera and awesome ninja poses. It quickly becomes clear that Bradley and Carly are the two best players, taking out everyone until they are the only two left. Then, it is Carly’s turn. She smiles wickedly.

CARLYSayonara, amigo! You’re mine!

Carly leaps at Bradley, who holds out his hand in acceptance... and gives her a grin, twinkle in his eye. She’s been so intent on the game, this is the first time she’s really paid attention to him, and is dumbstruck by his pure charisma. Her intended slap becomes a gentle touch. She jerks back in surprise.

BRADLEYLooks like you got me.

Carly’s mouth moves but with no sound. In a panic, she pushes through the crowd to escape. Mondale follows. Bradley smiles.

OLIVIANow that you’ve done your charity work, are you ready to continue the tour?

EXT. GYM - AFTERNOON

! 29 !

Outside the gym, Carly is bent over, almost hyper-ventilating. Mondale pats her back.

CARLYMondale? What the heck just happened?

MONDALEEpicness! You talked to a boy. First!

CARLYI think I’m going to be sick...

INT. VARIOUS SCHOOL LOCATIONS - AFTERNOON

The camera cuts between Olivia, Felix, and Aston, all in separate locations. Olivia is talking to David, Felix to Simon and Norma, and Aston to the Alpha Jocks.

OLIVIAI think I’m going to be sick. Who does this Bradley kid think he is? At first, it was kind of cute, right? I mean, it’s Valentine’s Day, and his last name’s Valentine, but seriously? WTF?

FELIXWTF! It’s like he’s got everyone under a spell or something. The whole school was following him around. I don’t get it. It’s totally ridiculous!

ASTONIt’s ridiculous. Have you ever heard anyone talk like that? Ever? This is just wrong. People should be pointing and laughing, but no. Everyone loves him. Especially the girls!

OLIVIAI can’t stand him. He’s not even trying to fit in! We took him all over the school and I don’t think he heard half of what I said! I mean, hello! I am this school, and he didn’t even look at me twice. What's wrong with him? He paid more attention to Carly Thurman!

FELIX

! 30 !

Carly Thurman ran away from him, so it’s good to know that not everyone on this campus is falling at his feet. But, she’s just one girl...

ASTONHe’s just one guy, and that’s all it takes. If girls start liking how he acts and talks, every guy around here’s gonna have to be a complete dork-bag to get any action, and I’ve worked too hard on my game for that mess!

OLIVIA/FELIX/ASTONWe’ve got to do something!

INT. MR. HAMILTON’S CLASS - AFTERNOON

In slow-motion, Bradley enters the room, pausing in front of a blowing fan. The teacher, MR. HAMILTON, is talking on his iPhone. He nods to Bradley and gestures for him to take a seat across the room, next to Carly. She looks ill, her hand covering her mouth, eyes watching every step of his approach. He takes a seat next to her and she quickly looks away to avoid eye contact. Bradley frowns and smells under his arm. Carly slyly looks back over. Their eyes almost meet, but they simultaneously look away, timed with the arrival of Mondale. She sits next to Bradley, pushing the two closer together. Cut to their knees and calves now touching, then up to their equally shocked faces.

MONDALEWelcome to our group.

BRADLEYWell... well alreet! I’m Bradley. Bradley --

MONDALEValentine. We know. Pretty good pneumonic device, what with today being February 14th and all.

BRADLEYTrust me, it’s more a drag than anything. I mean, “Valentine”? Like I’m descended from some kind of saint or pulp heroes or something?

! 31 !

MONDALESo, loosely translating retro-hip dweebish, you said you think your last name’s stupid, too?

BRADLEYHey, I embrace my retro-hip dweebishness. It’s mine to own, like you’re owning this gallant wingman gig.

MONDALEI saw that look on your face when you came over. Carly’s my friend. I'd die for her.

BRADLEYNo need to take things that far...

MONDALEAnd I'd definitely kill for her.

BRADLEYHow about delivering a message to her?

MONDALEShe’s right here.

BRADLEYTrust me, I’m acutely aware. But, you’re her best friend, and when you two re-hash this after I vamoose, I want you to re-assure her of something: the retro-hip dweeb was solid.

MONDALEGo on.

BRADLEYCarly, I just wanted to say, “Mea culpa”. I don’t know what happened during the Ninja game, but I thought it was a gas. I’m sorry if I did something to to get you all broke out with the blues but, after being led around like a show dog for that Olivia girl, I was jazzed to see some real life here!

MONDALEWait. You don’t like Olivia?

! 32 !

BRADLEYI’m new and don’t want to speak out of turn or anything.

MONDALESpeak.

BRADLEYWell, she strikes me as kind of a controlling, manipulating backbiter that’s shallow and rotten to the core. You know. Just a real bee-yotch.

MONDALEYou went there.

BRADLEYIt wasn’t that far of a trip...

Mondale nods at Bradley, then glances to her right. Whoosh shot over to Eddie Jacobs, already looking back, clearly paying attention to what is going on. Whoosh back to Mondale.

MONDALEYou pass.

BRADLEYCome again?

MONDALEI’ll deliver your message. Let me just make sure I’ve got it right. Hi Carly, I’m Bradley Valentine. I had fun playing Ninja and would like to take you out for dinner tonight. Now, repeat it to make sure I got it right.

BRADLEY(warm smile to Carly)

Hi, Carly. I’m Bradley Valentine. I had fun playing Ninja with you at lunch. You really send me, and I’d be honored to take you out for dinner tonight. I’ll pick you up at --

CARLYI’ll meet you at The Chinese Taco Cafe. 7:30. Sharp.

! 33 !

MONDALE(surprised at Carly)

I'll drive you.

BRADLEYPerfect. I'll be there with bells on!

CARLYOh! I'll wear bells, too!

MONDALENo, you won't. And, Bradley? If you hurt or disappoint my friend, the words “agony” and “torment” will have new meaning when I'm through with you.

BRADLEYI’m hip to the tip.

MONDALESeriously.

Bradley smiles and stands.

BRADLEYDeal. Now, I'd better get to my real class. Until tonight, Carly Thurman.

CARLYUntil tonight.

Bradley walks away.

MONDALEI'd better get to my real class, too.

Before walking away, Mondale gives Carly a hug.

MONDALEI'm so proud of you!

Carly covers her face with her hands. Then, over darkness...

CARLYWhat have I done?

INT. CARLY’S BEDROOM - AFTERNOON

! 34 !

Carly removes her hands from her face. Her eyes are heavily made-up, along with her lips.

CARLYToo much?

Cut to reveal Carly is using iChat on her MacBook with Mondale.

MONDALEDepends. Are you a zombie-clown?

CARLYI can’t believe I’m doing this...

Felix appears in the same iChat window as Mondale.

FELIXDoing what? There can’t be any new levels of tacky to explore...

Mondale violently knocks Felix out of the frame.

MONDALEGet the frak out of my room, Felix!

FELIXUgh. I’m telling Mom, Sara-Nicole!

MONDALEDead men tell no tales.

FELIXWhat is your frakking problem?

CARLYFrakking?

MONDALEThe Amazing Lame-o here downloaded every Battlestar Galactica episode from iTunes with all the gift cards my bubbe gave him for Chanukah. Now our whole family is going around saying “frak”. Even Kim Linh! You told her you were gonna buy books on your iPad!

FELIXI told her something educational. BSG is frakkin’ educational!

! 35 !

MONDALEI hate you, Felix.

FELIXI’m going to be a nano-tech engineer! When you’re 99 years old and get a young, fit, robot body, you’ll be glad I watched this show!

KIM LINH walks into Mondale and Felix’s iChat.

KIM LINHMom says wash your frakkin’ hands and get downstairs. Dinner’s ready.

CARLY(anxious)

I really need your help getting ready!

MONDALEI know. I’ll bring my food back up.

FELIXReady for what?

MONDALEHer date. With Bradley Valentine.

FELIXFrak...

Montage of Carly trying on tacky outfits and Mondale’s approvals/disapprovals. Felix walks through Mondale’s iChat window, looking more and more depressed. End with Mondale and Kim Linh applauding, but we do not see the approved “look”.

EXT. CHINESE TACO CAFE - EVENING

Bradley sits at a table behind the restaurant, alone, impeccably dressed. He’s looking over an oversized “Chinese Taco Cafe” menu. He pulls out his iPhone. It displays “7:29 Friday, February 14”, then changes to “7:30”. He looks up and there stands Carly Thurman. Bradley stands, smiling.

BRADLEYMy solid pigeon, that drape is a killer-diller, an E-flat Dillinger, a bit of a fly thing all on one page.

! 36 !

Carly looks confused, but pretty sure she just received a compliment. Bradley adjusts his collar and tries again.

BRADLEYUmm, what I meant to say was, you look... really... nice.

CARLYI was hoping that’s what you meant. Thank you.

BRADLEYI’m glad you made it. Sorry about our unique dining perch. They're full throttle inside.

CARLYIt's perfect. I'm just happy you're really here!

BRADLEYI’m the one that asked you out.

CARLYAfter Mondale manipulated you.

BRADLEYI was going to ask you out, anyway.

CARLYReally?

BRADLEYDefinitely. Not quite as quickly as it all went down, but you were definitely on my “to do” list.

CARLYI was on your list “to do”?

BRADLEYYes. No! Not like that. I mean asking you out was a goal I set for myself.

CARLYWhen did you make that decision?

BRADLEYWhen I saw you playing Ninja.

! 37 !

CARLYOh.

BRADLEYLet me help you to your seat.

Bradley seats Carly, and then returns to his own chair.

CARLYYou don’t think Ninja’s childish?

BRADLEYNo. It’s a kick!

CARLYYou burned a lot of social points today playing that game, and now to be seen in public with me --

BRADLEYIs an honor.

CARLYA -- a what?

BRADLEYAn honor. You’re a pretty hep chick!

CARLYWhy do you talk like that?

BRADLEYI’m a pretty mobile cat. Can you get with it?

CARLYI mean, why do you say that it’s an honor to be with me?

BRADLEYBecause it’s the truth.

CARLYBradley, you’re the brand new guy in a high school with just four-hundred students. Over half of those students are female. You’re instantly popular just by being a fresh alternative to the same stupid boys we’ve been dealing

! 38 !

with since kindergarden. You don’t have to ask out the “tacky chic chick" as a joke just to boost your standing.

BRADLEYIf I’m lyin’ I’m flyin’.

The waitress, JACQUELYN QUINN, arrives and leans on their table. She is angry with the world and barely keeping it in.

JACQUELYNI'm Jacquelyn. Two people didn't show up for their BLEEPing shifts and now I have to come outside to your sad situation. What do you want to drink?

CARLYA largo, cayenne-infused, iced soy cinnamon dolce latte.

BRADLEYMake that dos.

JACQUELYNBrown rice chips and sweet and sour salsa to start?

Bradley looks at Carly, who gives a polite nod.

BRADLEYSure thing.

Jacquelyn rolls her eyes and leaves.

BRADLEYShe's a real peach.

CARLYJacquelyn Quinn. Graduated last year.

BRADLEYI’m guessing she was one of the types who disapprove of playing Ninja?

CARLYYeah, and her legacy of social judgement and intimidation is being carried on by her sister.

! 39 !

BRADLEYShe’s Olivia’s sister, huh?

Jacquelyn returns, slams the drinks on the table, and leaves.

BRADLEYHere’s a little news flash for you. Playing Ninja? Not childish.

The clatter of falling pots and pans echo from the kitchen. From inside, a furiously frustrated voice bellows.

JACQUELYNSeriously?!?! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

BRADLEYThat’s childish.

CARLYYou may be on to something...

BRADLEYHey, like I told you, I’m pretty mobile. I’ve seen a lot, dig? But one thing that’s rinse and repeat micro and macro is how people are quick to label things. Childish. Nerdy. Geeky.

CARLYI guess kids can be cruel everywhere.

BRADLEYTrue blue. And oblivious. Childish, nerdy, geeky things involve imagination. Passion. Active involvement. You focus that energy just right, and it can be... powerful.

CARLYLike creating art?

BRADLEYThat’s an option, sure.

CARLYI think I know what you mean. Like, I design my own clothes and put together different combinations of stuff I find.

! 40 !

Sometimes, the right outfit changes the course of my whole day!

BRADLEYLike magic?

CARLYYeah!

BRADLEYYou’re a creative soul, maximum utmost!

CARLYNo one around here sees me like that.

BRADLEYI’m not from around here.

Carly finally allows herself to smile, catches herself, and then decides she can’t help it. Jacquelyn returns, pen in hand.

JACQUELYNWe’re out of your BLEEPing chips. Ready to order?

CARLYWe haven’t even looked at the menu yet.

JACQUELYNWe close in less than three hours.

BRADLEYThe menu’s two pages. We’ve got this.

JACQUELYNBLEEP.

As Jacquelyn storms off, she slips in a puddle. The pen flies from her hand, straight at Carly, who dodges without a conscious thought. Jacquelyn jumps back to her feet.

JACQUELYNNobody get up. I'm BLEEPING fine.

Bradley and Carly ignore her, and she again storms off.

BRADLEYYou're a pretty agile kitten.

! 41 !

CARLYNatural reflex. I've always been good at avoiding things.

A little embarrassed, Carly looks down at her menu, but Bradley still wants to talk.

BRADLEYSo, feel free to avoid this, but a moment ago, when you said “no one around here”, did you really mean “someone in particular” around here?

CARLYMaybe.

BRADLEYFigures. I was worried there might be another cat in the picture...

CARLYThere’s no “cat” in the picture. There is no picture. I can’t even get the lens cap off the camera to try and take a picture...

BRADLEYBut... you’ve been struggling with that lens cap for a long time...

CARLYYears.

BRADLEYI understand. I’ve got some one-way relationship issues, too.

CARLYReally?

BRADLEYReally. Still trying to resolve them. But, I think in coming to a new place and meeting some special people...

Bradley takes Carly’s hand. She takes a deep breath.

BRADLEYIt will all come to an end very soon.

! 42 !

Flattered, embarrassed, Carly does not know how to respond.

CARLY V/OOMG. What should I do? No one’s ever talked to me this way before. Not even pretend! Not even in my imagination with... with...

Carly’s face lights up in amazement and more than a little joy.

CARLY V/OWith that one guy! I can’t even remember his name! What’s-her-name would be so happy!

Carly’s eyes widen in panic.

CARLY V/OWait. I can’t remember anyone’s name! Wait. That’s not true. There is a name on my lips. It’s. On my. Heart? Oh, no! It can’t be! What does this mean?

Cut back to Bradley, who doesn’t know quite what to make of all of Carly’s expressions and silence. He smiles politely and gives Carly’s hand a squeeze.

BRADLEYMaybe we should think about ordering. I’m already a little concerned about our friend Jacquelyn adding a few things to our order from off the menu. The mushu menudo sounds tempting...

Cut back to Carly, who is now staring dreamily at Bradley.

CARLYSure thing.

Her next word is soft but deliberate.

CARLYBradley.

Dining montage of the couple ordering their food and Jacquelyn throwing attitude, the couple toasting with their drinks, smiles, laughs, Jacquelyn serving the food with attitude, the couple laughing and eating, and ending with the food all gone, Jacquelyn presenting Bradley with the check.

! 43 !

CARLYLet me get part of that.

BRADLEYNothing doing. This is a date!

Bradley hands Jacquelyn a stack of folded money.

BRADLEYThis’ll cover it... with a little something extra just for you.

JACQUELYNMy BLEEPing hero...

EXT. CARLY’S STREET - NIGHT

Carly and Bradley are walking down the sidewalk, in and out of streetlights.

BRADLEYNo, seriously. Everyone’s a geek about something! Everyone! You don't think I have some tragically geeky interests? Remember Super Challenge Battle Monsters?

CARLYI was terrible at that game.

BRADLEYLook, some things are just more socially acceptable than others. I mean, put on an outfit like your favorite Star Wars character, go to the grocery store, you’ll probably get some looks. Put on a jersey like your favorite sports idol, go to the grocery store, everyone just accepts you’re supporting the team.

CARLYThere’s a big difference between a shirt and a costume.

BRADLEYFair enough... but have you ever seen those guys that paint themselves up in their team’s colors. Or play in a

! 44 !

fantasy league? Or obsess over sports trivia and minutia that dates back to before they were born?

CARLYYes.

BRADLEYGeeks.

CARLYSports geeks...

BRADLEYSports geeks, car geeks, hunting geeks, fishing geeks, dog geeks, cat geeks, purse geeks, shoe geeks, music geeks, religion geeks --

CARLYEverywhere a geek, geek.

BRADLEYTacky chic geeks...

CARLYNot too many of those...

Bradley lowers his head a little and looks over at Carly out of the corner of his eyes.

BRADLEYThat's ok. There's just one I'm interested in, anyway.

Eyes wide, Carly is speechless and falling hard.

EXT. CARLY’S DOORSTEP - NIGHT

Fade in on Carly and Bradley, bathed in the warm glow of the front porch light.

CARLYSo, if it wasn't for that rat, I wouldn't have come up with my design manifesto.

BRADLEY

! 45 !

"Tacky Chic - Why be different when you can be unique?". I dig it. Sticks like glue and true as blue.

CARLYYou think?

BRADLEYWe should go shopping on our next date.

CARLYSeriously?

BRADLEYSounds like I have a lot to learn about tacky chic. That copacetic with you?

CARLYTotally copacetic.

BRADLEYGroovy.

Bradley pulls out his iPhone and checks the time, 10:58 pm.

BRADLEYTwo minutes to spare.

CARLYMy dad will be very pleased.

BRADLEYI aim to please.

CARLYYou’ve definitely hit your target...

Carly leans in for a kiss. Bradley leans forward. They’re close, lips almost touching, when Bradley pushes away.

CARLYI... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean --

BRADLEYNo, no, no, no, no. It’s me.

CARLYI thought --

! 46 !

BRADLEYYou thought right. Really right. Right as rain. I’m already beating myself up.

CARLYBut --

BRADLEYBut you have a thing. And I’ve got a thing. And we’ve got a second date.

Bradley raises Carly’s hand and gives it a kiss.

BRADLEYNow, we’ve got even more to look forward to.

Smiling, Carly opens her door and steps inside.

CARLYGoodnight, Bradley Valentine.

BRADLEYPleasant dreams, Carly Thurman.

INT. CARLY’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Carly closes the front door, puts her back to it, and slides down to the floor.

CARLYWow.

EXT. CARLY’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Bradley walks out towards the street. He turns, looks back at the house, sighs, and pulls a piece of chalk from his pocket.

BRADLEYWow.

He crouches next to the curb and begins to draw a strange rune, similar to ones seen on the old Super Challenge Battle Monster Cards. As he completes drawing a circle, the camera cuts to a POV shot from a large hedge plant, a predator eyeing prey. Heavy breathing. Cut back to Bradley, still drawing, unaware of the danger in the hedge now clearly seen in the background. POV cut back in the hedge. Back to Bradley, who is completely focused on his drawing. Back to the POV. A cellphone loudly broadcasts a

! 47 !

text alert. Back to Bradley, scrambling to his feet. He stares at the hedge. Back to the POV, a glowing cellphone rising in front of the camera. The message reads, “(-8 almst der guy (-8” and we hear

FELIXFrakkin'-gorram-bantha-poo-doo...

Cut back to Bradley, and the camera follows him on his path to the large hedge plant. As we draw closer, we see Felix, bathed in his cellphone’s light.

FELIXUh, hey, Bradley. This isn’t what it looks like.

BRADLEYYou’re not hiding in a bush, waving your cellphone at me?

FELIXWell, when you put it that way...

BRADLEYAnd you weren’t spying on Carly Thurman’s house, waiting for me to walk her home from our date?

FELIXMaybe it is what it looks like. But you’re overlooking something important.

BRADLEYClue me in.

FELIXIt looks like I’m gonna kick your butt!

Felix leaps towards the camera in battle-mode as we cut to

INT. CARLY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Carly is holding a landline receiver to her ear while taking off her makeup. On her MacBook’s open iChat, we see Mondale.

CARLYWhy are you surprised? I told you I’d be home at eleven. Don’t you trust me?

! 48 !

DAD V/OOf course I trust you, Kiddo. But when you didn't answer your cellphone earlier, I got a little worried. Did you take the taser I bought you?

CARLYYes, and you know my phone keeps dying.

DAD V/OI just haven’t met this boy, yet. That’s all. And since your mom --

CARLYHe’s the one that made sure I was home on time.

DAD V/OI like him already. Just keep your taser handy.

CARLYDad! He's not like that! And I like him, too. A lot.

DAD V/O(chuckles)

Sounds serious. You sure?

CARLYIf I’m lyin’, I’m flyin’.

EXT. EMPTY STREET - NIGHT

Bradley leaps over the camera, followed by Felix. As their chase goes down the street, in and out of the shadows, we hear Felix’s inner thoughts.

FELIX V/OHoly frak! I can’t believe I started a fight! And he’s running from me! Watching those Chuck Norris movies with Simon is paying off! I’m a total action hero! I’d better throw a witty taunt!

FELIX! *(http://www.kli.org/tlh/sounds/HabQuch.au)*

Hab SoSlI' Quch!

! 49 !

The subtitle “Your mother has a smooth forehead!”

FELIX V/ONice.

Bradley cuts to a stop, then jumps back at Felix, grabbing him by the throat and slamming him up against a fence.

BRADLEYchoSuj!

The subtitle “You are disturbing me!”

FELIXPlease-don't-hit-me-you-speak-Klingon?

BRADLEYHija.

The subtitle “Yes”.

BRADLEY (CONT.)And I'm not gonna hit you, though you've earned it for peeping like Tom.

FELIXI just --

BRADLEYWanted to make sure everything with Carly was copacetic.

FELIXThat’s right!

BRADLEYYou’re just a guardian angel, silently watching over her?

FELIXYeah, or, you know... Batman.

BRADLEYBad news, friend-o. No matter the good intentions, it’s a creeper thing to do.

FELIXI totally appreciate that. Let me go?

! 50 !

Bradley smiles and removes his hand.

BRADLEYCan I lend you a clue?

FELIXI’m all ears.

BRADLEYFind a chick that digs you back.

FELIXWhat?

BRADLEYIt takes a lot of time and energy to get attention that isn’t readily given. You find yourself making all kinds of sacrifices and doing more and more dramatic things until --

FELIXYou’re adrenaline-jumping out of a shrub at some guy’s face...

BRADLEYOr worse.

FELIXSuddenly I don’t hate you that much.

Bradley gets Felix in a playful headlock and almost immediately they are bathed in bright headlights. A car screeches to a stop just a few feet away. Out jump the Alpha Jocks.

ASTONMaybe I don’t hate you as much as I thought, Valentine. You got an issue with this loser, too?

BRADLEYWhat’s it to you?

ASTONAbsolutely nothing, except I had dibs on him first. I’m not gonna be denied anything else tonight.

FELIX

! 51 !

Guess Shelly wasn't a sure thing...

Chino and Tony grab Felix’s arms as Colby doubles Bradley over with a powerful punch to the stomach.

COLBYWhat about it, punk? You got a problem?

Grimacing, Bradley makes eye contact with Felix and gives him a knowing wink.

BRADLEYI'm straight from the fridge, Daddy-O. No problem. I've got this.

COLBYWhat?

BRADLEYI've got this. You don't want to just beat him up out here, right?

TONYMaybe...

CHINOWhy not?

BRADLEYNeighborhood Watch. I know a place we can go. Private. We’ll make it a party.

ASTONWhy should we trust you?

BRADLEYBecause you can shred me at the drop of a hat. Plus, you're the most popular cats in school. I don't get right with you, I'm exiled to Squaresville. This is my time to do something big!

ASTONHeh. Glad you know your place.

The Alpha Jocks jam Felix in the car’s trunk and slam it shut.

ASTONYou navigate, Valentine.

! 52 !

BRADLEYIt’d be easier if I drove...

COLBYHold on! Nobody drives my car but me!

BRADLEYToo bad.

Bradley pulls a macabre flask from his jacket pocket.

BRADLEYI was gonna suggest starting the party on the way there.

Bradley puts the flask in Colby’s hand.

BRADLEYMy treat.

ASTONColby, give him the keys.

The Alpha Jocks laugh and everyone gets in the car, Aston riding shotgun. He pulls out his cellphone. Bradley puts on his seat belt, adjusts the mirror, and locks all doors. They drive off.

INT. CARLY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Carly is sitting in the middle of her bed, holding a stuffed animal, still on iChat with Mondale.

CARLYDo you think I should call Bradley? Make sure he made it home ok?

MONDALEThirteen hours ago you were refusing to talk to boys first, now you want to call one first. You're hopeless. Remember Eddie?

CARLYJacobs?

MONDALELook, I'm glad you're not obsessed over him anymore. That's why I wanted you to go out with Bradley in the first place.

! 53 !

But don't trade one obsession for another. It's not healthy.

CARLYYou don’t have to get all maternal on me. I'm not obsessed. It's just, Bradley gets me!

MONDALE(sighs)

Carly, Carly, Carly...

INT. MONDALE’S ROOM - NIGHT

Mondale shakes her head in disgust and, across the room, her cellphone chirps a received text message.

MONDALEBe right back.

Mondale checks her phone, which reads: “ey Mondale! Where’s Felix? We’re owtsd.” Mondale scowls and texts back: “whos dis?” A moment passes, then a new text: “(-8 Simon n Norma (-8”.

MONDALEFelix, I’m going to kill you.

EXT. MONDALE’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Mondale opens her front door to see the excited faces of Simon and Norma, who give her a goofy wave.

MONDALEWhat do you want?

NORMAUh, Felix told us to meet him.

MONDALEOutside our house. In the middle of the night.

SIMONActually, he said Carly’s house, but he’s not there.

A wide shot shows Mondale and Carly’s houses are side-by-side. Mondale steps off her porch and into the front yard.

! 54 !

MONDALEThat little creeper. Let's go warn Carly in person. He’s here somewhere.

NORMAWe texted him, even looked in the bushes. We tried everything.

SIMONMaybe not everything. Hey guy! Olly olly oxen free!

MONDALEKeep it down! If you wake my moms or Kim Linh, there’ll be hell to pay!

NORMANo “Marco Polo”, then...

MONDALEWhy are you two dressed up?

SIMONIt’s Valentine’s and --

NORMAWe were on a date!

MONDALESign of the frakkin’ apocalypse...

INT. DAVID’S CAR - NIGHT

As David drives, Olivia is on the phone with Jacquelyn.

OLIVIACome on! It’s not the end of the world.

JACQUELYN V/OEasy for you to say.

OLIVIAJust another reason for you to come and party! Aston said they’re going to some place this new kid knows. He’ll send us the addy when they get there.

DAVIDTell her to check his Facebook page.

! 55 !

OLIVIACheck Aston’s Facebook for details.

INT. JACQUELYN’S PARKED CAR - NIGHT

Jacquelyn adjusts her rearview mirror to check her makeup.

JACQUELYNLet me repeat myself, little sister. Two people didn’t show up for their BLEEPing shifts. I spent the night dealing with couples giving each other doe-eyed, moony, “I’m-so-in-love” stares, and made well-under twenty percent in tips. Why the BLEEP would I want to torture myself further by hanging out with high school kids?

OLIVIA V/OYou’re, like, the party queen! And --

INT. DAVID’S CAR - NIGHT

OLIVIAWe haven’t hung out in a while...

JACQUELYNI’m not your babysitter, Olivia. You need to grow up. I don’t have time for all your drama!

OLIVIAOh, really? What do you have to do that’s so damn important?

INT. JACQUELYN’S PARKED CAR - NIGHT

Eyes wide, Jacquelyn holds up the ancient “Kremkalah” Super Challenge Battle Monster card.

JACQUELYNDon’t worry your pretty little head about it. Go play with your friends.

With a haunted smile, Jacquelyn ends the call.

INT. DAVID’S CAR - NIGHT

OLIVIA

! 56 !

That bee-yotch.

DAVIDShe’s just having a bad night.

OLIVIADon’t make excuses for her, David.

DAVIDI was trying --

OLIVIAYou failed.

DAVIDTrying to make you feel better.

OLIVIAWell, stop, ok? You kinda suck at it.

A painful, awkward silence. Then...

OLIVIAI can’t believe we’re going to a party thrown by Bradley Valentine...

DAVIDWe don’t have to.

OLIVIAYes, we do. I’ve got to put him in his place before it gets out of hand.

EXT. CARLY THURMAN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Carly, Mondale, Norma, and Simon search around the yard with flashlights. A thin layer of fog has formed over the ground, and weird lights flicker through the clouds.

CARLYMarco!

NORMAOh, so she gets to do it?

CARLYMy house.

NORMA

! 57 !

Fair enough.

MONDALEThis is weird.

SIMONI know. First Neil, now Felix.

NORMAAnd this fog.

MONDALENo, I mean this is weird.

Mondale holds up her cellphone.

MONDALEFelix’s got GPS on his phone. We’ve used it before to make sure he’s at the library instead of the game store. But check this out.

A red dot randomly pops in and out all over the GPS map.

NORMAIs it broke?

MONDALECan you think of a better explanation?

SIMONChuck Norris punched the cell tower? Or maybe a multi-dimensional fluctuation of the space-time continuum?

MONDALEI hate my life.

CARLYUh, guys?

NORMAMaybe there’s a geomagnetic storm somewhere. You know, GPS only works when four or more satellites can --

CARLYGuys?

! 58 !

MONDALEHold on. It stopped.

CARLYGuys!

MONDALE, SIMON, AND NORMAWhat?

CARLYWho’s that?

The camera whips to a shadowy figure dressed in a hooded robe.

MONDALEThat is definitely not Felix.

INT. TRUNK OF COLBY’S CAR - NIGHT

Felix fidgets with his cellphone, bathed in its light.

FELIXWork, you frakkin' piece of junk!

There is a jostle as the car stops. Then, the banging of the car’s doors, the laughter of the Alpha Jocks fading into the distance. Then, screams and shrieks. The car shakes. Felix is knocked around in the trunk, dropping his phone. Darkness.

FELIXFrak.

A long, last wail of agony, replaced with a beastly howl. Silence. Then, the rattling of the trunk’s lock.

FELIXFrak!

EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Bradley opens the trunk of Colby’s car, which is parked in front of an abandoned warehouse. The building’s front door is open, and strange lights flicker from within.

BRADLEYEverything copacetic back here, Chief?

FELIXUh, sure... Dude. Everything’s... fly.

! 59 !

Bradley helps Felix out of the trunk. Felix vomits.

BRADLEYFly, eh?

FELIXWhere’s Aston? Do they still want to kick my butt?

BRADLEYI seriously doubt it. Those cats are making ready for the party and, at this point, I’m pretty sure you’re the absolute last thing on their minds.

FELIXWait, you’re actually gonna party with the Alpha Jocks?

BRADLEYYeah. We’re going to have a real killer shindig. So you should probably --

FELIXNo!

BRADLEYExcuse me?

FELIXHell. To. The. No. You were about to say “leave”, weren’t you?

BRADLEYUm. Yes, I was.

FELIXWell, guess what? I’m not leaving! Not this time! It’s almost my senior year and I’m making some changes! For once, I’m going to be part of something cool!

BRADLEYLook, I like you, but I don’t think you’re hip to this kind of scene.

FELIXDid I frakking stutter, Bradley? Those guys are cool. You’re cool. Whatever

! 60 !

cool thing you’re doing, I’m gonna be part of it! No, I’m gonna be right square in the middle of it!

BRADLEYThat’s... how you really feel?

FELIXWord to my mothers.

BRADLEYWell... Ok... You’re in.

FELIXSeriously?

BRADLEY(smiling)

Did I frakking stutter, Felix?

FELIXOh, WOW! I mean, well, ok, then. Like, that’s pretty copacetic and all. What are we doing?

Bradley puts his hand on Felix’s shoulder and they begin to walk towards the warehouse. They pass Aston’s dropped phone, which displays his Facebook page, showing he has just “checked in” to “old warehouse” with the message “PARTY TIME!!!!!”

BRADLEYWe... are going to have us a card game.

FELIXWhat, like poker?

BRADLEYPoker? Pbbst! Poker. No, not poker.

FELIXBlackjack?

BRADLEYBlackjack? No! We’re going to play Super Challenge Battle Monsters.

FELIXOMG! For real?

! 61 !

BRADLEYCousin, real’s the only way I do it.

On its own, the warehouse door slams shut behind them.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Surrounded in darkness but bathed in weird, flickering lights, Bradley looks directly at the camera.

BRADLEYJust like with Ouija boards and Tarot cards, there’s mass produced, mass marketed junk sold in toy stores and hobby shops. And there’s the real deal.

Cross-fade to Shelly Zapata, sitting on a floor, surrounded by candles. Bradley’s eyes can be seen above her. She is sobbing, holding “Struthtek” and, as Bradley’s narration continues, her eyes roll back in her head.

BRADLEY V/OYou know how the periodic table represents chemical elements by using symbols? Same thing with Super Challenge Battle Monster cards.

Fade to black, and we hear...

FELIX V/OSuper Challenge Battle Monsters represent chemicals?

Fade-in to Mr. Stadenko, lost in the wild Dreamscape. Bradley’s mouth can be seen in the crazy sky above.

BRADLEY V/ONo. Real Super Challenge Battle Monster cards represent power. Unearthly, cosmic power. If you possess one, if you’re strong enough, that power is yours for the taking.

Fade to black.

FELIX V/OAnd if you’re not strong enough?

! 62 !

Fade-in on Jacquelyn walking down the deserted Dreamscape hall, suddenly attacked by black shadows. Then, rapid cuts of Shelly, Mr. Stadenko, and Jacquelyn, who have all been transformed into avatars for the monsters on their cards. The last shot cuts to

EXT. CARLY THURMAN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

A close-up on Neil’s monstrous face as he pushes back his hood.

BRADLEY V/OThe card takes you.

NORMAHey! It’s Neil!

SIMONWhoa! Hey, Guy! Where’ve ya been?

Only when Simon draws closer does he react to Neil’s face.

SIMONWrong holiday, Guy. It’s Valentine’s, not Halloweeeaggck!

Neil grabs Simon by the throat and lifts him off the ground so they are now eye-to-eye.

NEILAre you allied with Carly The Thurman?

Simon can only gasp and gurgle as the girls draw closer.

NORMANeil! This isn’t funny!

NEILDupe-a-non The Defender demands a response!

SIMONGah! Gah!

With a frown, Mondale kicks Neil in the crotch. He drops Simon and falls to his knees.

MONDALEHow’s that for a response?

Neil jerks his head up at Mondale, eyes filled with rage.

! 63 !

MONDALEAnd, seriously, the spiky make-up thing? Lame.

Mondale breaks off one of the spikes protruding from Neil’s head with a sickening snap, releasing a geyser of viscid pus straight into her own horrified face. Carly rushes to her side and Neil slowly, menacingly rises to his feet.

CARLYAre you ok?

MONDALEHe slimed me. I feel so... funky.

SIMONNot cool, Guy. Not cool.

NEILAre you allied with Carly The Thurman?

SIMONWe play Ninja at lunch occasionally. She's wicked good. And Felix talks about her all the time.

NORMAAll the time. You know that, Neil.

NEILDupe-a-non The Defender! Stun attack!

With a sneer, Neil whips a Super Challenge Battle Monster “Stun!” card from behind his back and holds it towards Simon, who is instantly frozen in place.

NEILDouble-stun!

A flick of his thumb, and the “Stun!” card doubles in Neil’s hand, and Norma is frozen in place as well.

NEILSoul Rip.

Again from behind his back, Neil produces a Super Challenge Battle Monster “Soul Rip!” card and points it at Simon, who begins to shake violently. With his other hand he pulls a Super

! 64 !

Challenge Battle Monster “Spores Of Pestilence” card and points it at Norma.

NEILSpores Of Pestilence.

A massive green/black pod appears in Norma’s open hand. Although her face is frozen, her eyes show silent panic. The vile capsule explodes a black cloud into her face. Then, the camera whooshes across the yard, revealing CORA TRAN, who is holding out her own Super Challenge Battle Monster Card, “Reverse”.

CORAI challenge you, Dupe-A-Non! Cora Tran. Reverse!

The black spores fly from Norma’s face, back into the self-sealing pod. It dissolves from her hand. Cut across the yard to reveal SHANE GUERRERO, holding a “Spiritual Shield” card.

SHANEI challenge you, Dupe-A-Non! Shane Guerrero. Spiritual Shield.

Simon stops shaking and, for a moment glows with a golden sheen. Whoosh across the yard to reveal RUSTY CLUTCHMORE, holding a “Shackles Of Kalacka” card.

RUSTYI challenge you, Dupe-A-Non! Rusty Clutchmore. Shackles Of Kalacka!

His wrists bound in massive shackles, Neil howls with rage.

NEILWhen I am free, I will sup upon your marrow and feast upon your essence!

RUSTYDupe-A-Non, you’ll never be free.

Cora whips out a “Spiritual Snare” card.

CORASpiritual Snare.

NEILNoooooooooo!

! 65 !

With a flash, Neil is gone. Cut to a close-up of the “Spiritual Snare” card, which now depicts Dupe-A-Non trapped and in agony.

SIMONWicked trick, guys!

NORMAUnless they killed Neil. Where’d he go?

CORAHe’s not dead.

SHANEWell, probably not permanently, anyway.

CARLYWhat the heck just happened?

RUSTYWe defeated Dupe-A-Non!

CARLYI don’t understand. Dupe-A-Non?

NORMAWasn’t that the name of Neil’s Super Challenge Battle Monster Card?

MONDALEThis is just ridiculous. First, my brother disappears, then his nerdy cosplay friends pull a mindfreak --

TALIATHA V/OFelix The Mondale has not disappeared.

Whoosh to reveal TALIATHA, an unearthly young woman clearly out of place... and maybe time.

TALIATHAAt least, not yet.

MONDALEIs there a clown car parked around the corner or something? Where do you all keep coming from?

CARLYWhy are you in my yard?

! 66 !

TALIATHAWe were drawn here, Carly The Thurman. Just like Dupe-A-Non The Defender. By this sigil.

Taliatha gracefully points to the curb and the chalk marking left by Bradley. Everyone looks, except Simon, who can’t take his eyes off Cora.

TALIATHAIt practically pulses with mystic --

SIMONI know you! From Geeky Gamer Girls Gazette! And your blog! Cora Tran, one of the top ranked Super Challenge Battle Monster players on the planet!

CORAThe top ranked player...

SIMONWow! Can I friend you on Facebook?

NORMASimon? Not cool. We’re still on a date.

SIMONWe are? I mean, oh yeah!

MONDALESo, what’s so important about this sigil circle-y thing?

TALIATHAIt’s the mark of a powerful card caster, Sara-Jean Nicole The Mondale. A being so --

MONDALEMondale.

TALIATHAI beg your pardon?

MONDALEMondale. Just Mondale. My brother’s missing and I’ve already been slimed tonight. Please don’t upset me further.

! 67 !

Carly attempts to use her cellphone’s light to inspect the sigil, but it promptly dies.

CARLYIt looks familiar. Kinda.

Taliatha manages to shake off Mondale’s threat and glare.

TALIATHASimilar, perhaps, but this mark has not been made in this realm since the ancient days of --

SIMONHey, guys! I found Felix.

Simon holds up his phone, displaying Felix’s post in his Facebook feed. He has “checked in” to “old warehouse” with the message “About to party down with Bradley Valentine.” Bradley has been “tagged”, his name a hyperlink.

CARLYMy Bradley Valentine?

Carly takes the phone and clicks on Bradley’s name, but only gets a “Broken Link” error message. Taliatha, Cora, Rusty, and Shane exchange a worried look.

INT. PATRICIA PEÑA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Patricia is at her computer, scrolling through her Facebook feed, “liking” people’s posts.

PATRICIALike. Like. Like. Like.

She stops on Aston’s “check in” post. Right above it is Felix’s.

PATRICIALike, whoa.

INT. AUSTIN KLEIN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Austin is asleep in his bed when his cellphone on the pillow next to him chirps to life. He frantically answers it. Patricia’s voice is muffled gibberish.

AUSTINHey, Patricia. What? The Old Warehouse?

! 68 !

INT. DIANNA GORDON’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Dianna is sitting up in her bed, cellphone to her ear.

DIANNAAston Mathis?

INT. TIFFANY PARKER’S CLOSET - NIGHT

Tiffany, talking into her phone in one hand, rifles through her clothes with the other.

TIFFANYAnd Bradley Valentine!

INT. JANET MONTAIGNE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Janet is putting on lipstick while talking on the phone.

JANETSpread the word. This is gonna be epic!

Cut to a montage of other RANDOM KIDS finding out about the party, mouthes talking into cellphones, fingers texting. Hands opening windows, feet cautiously walking down halls, doors quietly opening. Cars silently pull out of driveways, no lights. Everyone is sneaking out to go to the party. Cars cruise, kids inside cheer, excited. They arrive at the abandoned warehouse and kids pour out, excitedly rushing to the door that is again open, full of flickering lights.

INT. MONDALE’S CAR - NIGHT

Simon is crammed in the back with Taliatha, Cora, Rusty, and Shane, viewing his Facebook feed. The “old warehouse” has 67 check ins.

SIMONWow. The old warehouse is blowing up!

TALIATHACurse the wretched stars of this pathetic realm! We are too late!

NORMAStill fashionably. Really cool kids make it a point to show up a little late so everyone sees when they enter.

! 69 !

SIMONI’m seeing the diva side of you tonight, Norma. I kinda like it!

NORMAGuess you should take me out more!

CARLYI don’t understand any of this.

TALIATHAWell, it’s a very complicated and intricate story. I am a manifestation of Taliatha du Tenish-con Tathbarra, and these are my Champions of Light, Rusty The --

CARLYWhy's he having a party without me? What did I do wrong? I thought we were copacetic! I thought he liked me!

Taliatha opens her mouth to speak, but...

CARLYWhat the heck is wrong with boys?!?!

SIMONWe’re here!

EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Parked cars are everywhere as Simon, Norma, Mondale, and Carly walk towards the abandoned warehouse, its door now closed.

SIMONLook at all these cars. This is going to be wild!

NORMABest date ever!

MONDALEJust prepare yourself. There’s no telling what you'll see in there.

CARLYDo you think Bradley’s going to be with another girl? Tongue kissing and stuff?

! 70 !

MONDALEI mean when I get my hands on Felix. He’s going to die.

SIMONWhere’d all our new friends go?

NORMAShould we knock on the door or something?

MONDALENope. Tonight, we’re party crashers.

INT. OLD WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Carly, Mondale, Simon, and Norma enter the warehouse. It is quiet and mostly empty. Bradley stands in the middle of the floor. At his feet are dozens of Super Challenge Battle Monster cards, arranged in an intricate, ritualistic pattern, framed by four large, cloth-covered objects.

SIMONWell, this isn’t what I was expecting.

BRADLEYCarly? What are you doing here?

CARLYWhat are you doing here?

BRADLEYI can explain.

CARLYI hope so! I thought you liked me!

BRADLEYI do! I really, really do! In fact --

MONDALEHey, ass-hat! Is my brother still here?

BRADLEYKind of.

CARLYBradley!

! 71 !

BRADLEYYes?

CARLY(verging on tears)

What’s going on?

Whoosh to Taliatha, standing framed in the doorway.

TALIATHABradley The Valentine!

BRADLEYTaliatha du Tenish-con Tathbarra!

CARLYYou know her!?!?

TALIATHAYour vile plan shall not come to fruition! I have assembled the greatest champion card casters this realm has to offer. We challenge you!

Cora dramatically leaps from the shadows, a Super Challenge Battle Monster card falling from her pocket, landing face-down. Cut to Carly looking at the dropped card, then cut to Cora holding the “Spectral Fire” card.

CORACora Tran. Spectral Fire!

A ghostly blue flame launches at Bradley, who sighs and pulls the “Deflect” card from his pocket.

BRADLEYDeflect!

The blue flame bounces from Bradley’s card, back to Cora, who screams and is engulfed in blue fire. She disappears into a smoking pile of ash, right next to the fallen card. Carly reaches towards it.

BRADLEYOk, that was self defense.

Shane steps from the shadows, whipping the “Bolt Of Zeemoth” card from his hip like a gunslinger.

! 72 !

SHANEShane Guerrero. Bolt of Zeemoth!

The card turns into a metal spear, which Shane throws. Bradley shakes his head and produces another card, “Return”.

BRADLEYReturn!

The spear pierces through Shane’s middle. He falls over and promptly fades away.

BRADLEYAgain, that was just self defense.

Rusty jumps from the shadows clutching an “Astral Bolt” card.

RUSTYRusty Clutchmore. Astral --

Bradley frowns and reveals two new cards, "Interrupt" and “Infernal Wrath”.

BRADLEYInterrupt. Infernal Wrath.

Close-up POV from the back of Bradley’s Interrupt and Infernal Wrath cards, flying straight into Rusty's horrified face. Cut to Bradley's squeamish reaction shot.

BRADLEYOk, that was a little offensive, but you’re not giving me --

Taliatha holds up her “Celestial Dominance” card.

TALIATHATaliatha du Tenish-con Tathbarra! Celestial Dominance!

A rainbow beam fires from Taliatha’s card, knocking Bradley to the floor. He gets to one knee, and Taliatha is quick to produce her “Ray Of Purity” card.

TALIATHARay Of --

Bradley rises, holding "Interrupt" and “Discard” cards.

! 73 !

BRADLEYInterrupt. Discard.

Taliatha’s “Ray Of Purity” card disappears.

TALIATHAOh, no.

Bradley holds forward his “Cosmic Crush” card.

BRADLEYCosmic Crush.

From behind, we see Taliatha collapsing in on herself in a series of sickening squishes and snapping bones. Her body falls out of the shot, revealing Bradley and the very stunned Mondale, Simon, Norma, and Carly. Bradley dusts himself off.

BRADLEYSo... I’m guessing you might have some queries about all that...

NORMAYou just...

SIMONKilled those people...

MONDALEWith Super Challenge Battle Monster cards...

BRADLEYThat’s more of a statement but, yeah, I did. Kinda. You saw they didn’t give me a choice, though, right? They attacked me. Solid self defense.

CARLYHow did you do that with the cards? This is all just... nuts!

Felix, in a hooded robe, walks up behind Carly.

FELIXIt’s not the cards, Babe. It’s what’s on them. The art. The symbols. They go back. Way back.

! 74 !

MONDALEFelix Alfonzo Mondale! What do you think you’re doing?

FELIXEmbracing my destiny, Sara-Jean Nicole! Embracing my destiny.

CARLYBradley, I want an explanation!

SIMONYeah, like... where are all the party people?

Felix gestures to all of the Super Challenge Battle Monster cards on the floor.

FELIXThey’re right here!

NORMAThe cards?

FELIXBingo!

MONDALEThat’s it. We’re out of here.

Bradley pulls out another card, “Temporal Interlude”.

BRADLEYBradley Valentine, Temporal Interlude!

Time slows with the grinding of gears, sonically powering down. Everyone but Bradley and Carly freeze.

CARLYWhat did you just do?

BRADLEYI’m taking a moment. To explain. At least as much as I can.

CARLYI’m listening.

BRADLEY

! 75 !

So, we’re communicating now, right?

CARLYYes.

BRADLEYWith words.

CARLYObviously.

BRADLEYWell, you see, humans haven’t always communicated with spoken or written language. A long, long time ago, it was with images. They’re universal. And, because they’re universal, way, way back they were used to communicate with other things. Actually, that’s not quite right. Other things used images to communicate with humans. Images like... these. On the Super Challenge Battle Monster cards.

CARLYSome other things are communicating with you through the Super Challenge Battle Monster cards?

BRADLEYSome other thing and, yeah, it is... and has been longer than I care to remember. Since I was a little kid!

CARLYBradley...

BRADLEYLook, I know how this sounds, but these are real Super Challenge Battle Monster cards. They’re manifestations of cosmic power that can bend and shape reality. I mean, you don’t think this is the only reality there is, do you?

CARLYI hadn’t really thought about it...

BRADLEY

! 76 !

There’s an infinite number of realities, realms, out there, and sometimes they can cross over and bleed into each other. And sometimes, the strong of one realm will come into the other. Sometimes, to simply observe. Sometimes to interact and experience. And they do this by swapping places with the natives.

CARLYLike Neil and Dupe-A-Non The Defender.

BRADLEYExactly like Neil and Dupe-A-Non The Defender. Who I sent to guard you, by the way. Between him and my protective sigil, you were safe as houses.

CARLYFrom what?

BRADLEYIts true name is unpronounceable, but the ancients called it Rahk-tel-outha.

With a deep, low whine, time slowly starts to move.

CARLYRahk-tel-outha, the destroyer of the Zendain Empire? Rahk-tel-outha, that’s prophesied to rise again and claim our world as its own?

BRADLEYWell, that’s a lot less to explain. You really did pay attention in class!

CARLYWhy are you in contact with an eldritch horror from beyond time and space?!?!

BRADLEYWell... we’re kinda... buddies.

CARLYHow!?!?

BRADLEY

! 77 !

This is kinda embarrassing but, you know how some kids befriend invisible six-foot rabbits, talking stuffed tigers, or other imaginary things? My imaginary friend, Rocky, turned out to be a not-so-imaginary thousand-mouthed, ichor dripping, tentacled, alien mockery of all that is natural and good. For most folks, glancing upon its infinite wrongness or hearing its howls calling from the great beyond rips open their souls and condemns them to gibbering madness. But, for me, it’s just chit-chat.

CARLYThis is insane!

BRADLEYNo. Negatory. Not insane. I’ve sometimes felt that way, but I’ve still got it all together. Rocky's never had any effect on me. We get along famously. Always have and, now, I’m just keeping a promise. That’s all.

CARLYA promise to what?

BRADLEYRemember when I told you I was resolving some one-way relationship issues? Well, this is how I have to resolve them, and it has to be tonight.

Time resumes its normal speed.

FELIXThe stars are right, My Lord.

MONDALEDid you just call him your Lord?

BRADLEYHe did, but don’t get strung out on the verbiage. It’s an honorary thing, no worshiping or whatnot. Of me, anyway.

! 78 !

FELIXAll exultance to the Dark and Powerful Rahk-tel-outha!

Carly opens her mouth to speak, but Bradley puts his finger over her lips to silence her.

BRADLEYI don’t want to be rude or anything, but time’s of the essence. We can talk more in a bit but, in the meantime, could you and everyone else kindly step back a little ways so we can perform the sacrifice and get this show on the road?

NORMASacrifice?

Bradley raises his hands and the cloth-coverings at the four corners of the card layout fly away, revealing the bound and gagged Alpha Jocks, who are scared out of their wits.

CARLYBradley! What are you doing?!?!

BRADLEYI can’t just summon Rocky with a few arcane words and fancy gestures. I have to put the right elements in the right order at the right time.

SIMONThe Super Challenge Battle Monster Cards!

MONDALEDuh.

BRADLEYAnd now that the cards are properly charged --

NORMAWith the souls of all the party people!

MONDALEDuh!

! 79 !

BRADLEYAll’s left is the virgin sacrifice...

MONDALE, SIMON, AND NORMAVirgin?

The Alpha Jocks struggle and fret with their bonds.

BRADLEYWhat, none of you’ve ever read a fairy tale or seen a horror movie? These types of rituals require virgin sacrifices. Well, not really require. It's more like smashing a bottle of champagne against the side of a ship. You know, for good luck. And tradition. So, if you’ll excuse us for a minute. Felix?

Felix looks at each of the Alpha Jocks who, in turn, plead to him with their wide eyes. A moment of doubt crosses Felix’s features, then he swallows with resolution, holding up a “Wyrms Of Tethgath” card.

MONDALEFelix! Put the card down! Now!

FELIXFelix Mondale, Wyrms of Tethgath!

A loud crack and the ground beneath each Alpha Jock opens in a fiery red light, swallowing them. Cut to horrified reactions from Simon, Norma, Mondale, and Carly as we hear screams and monstrous roars. Close-up on Felix, who is clearly conflicted about what just happened, but putting on a brave front.

FELIXThat... that’ll teach ‘em.

INT. DAVID’S CAR - NIGHT

David and Olivia are parked outside the old warehouse, looking over the parked cars. David glances at his watch and frowns.

DAVIDWe’re definitely, officially late.

OLIVIA

! 80 !

Not fashionably late. Too early being late and we’re clueless. Too late being late and we’re clueless butt-weasels. If we’re fashionably late, we rejuvenate the party. We are the party.

DAVIDWhat if we’re missing something important?

OLIVIALike anything important is going to happen without me.

INT. OLD WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

There is a different, deeper monstrous roar, and blinding white light and smoke shoots from where the Alpha Jocks disappeared, forming a glowing square. The cards, too, begin to glow. Everything shakes, and Felix falls to his knees. He is being pulled into the glowing square!

FELIXBradley?!? What’s happening?

BRADLEYI told everyone to step back so we could perform the sacrifice. That included you, too!

FELIXYou... you frakkin’ jerk!

Mondale grabs Felix’s hand and begins to pull him back.

MONDALEYou so owe me.

At first, it looks like Mondale will succeed in pulling Felix free, but she, too, falls to her knees and begins to be pulled in. Simon and Norma rush forward to help. Carly attempts to do so as well, but Bradley stops her by grabbing her from behind.

BRADLEYWhoa. Bad idea. Bad. Idea.

Carly struggles against Bradley, only to see each of her friends disappear into the white light.

! 81 !

CARLYNo!

Carly grabs Bradley’s arm and quickly leans forward, flipping him to the ground. She rushes towards the light.

BRADLEYWait! Don’t do this! You won’t survive!

Carly holds up Cora’s dropped card, “Sigil Of Protection”.

CARLYCarly Thurman, Sigil Of Protection!

Her hair blows back with a rush of power, and Carly begins to glow with a faint purple aura. She closes her eyes and runs into the white energy.

EXT./INT. DREAMSCAPE

Blackness. Carly's shoes running down a sidewalk. Blackness. Running through unnatural grass. Blackness. Running across the shadowy hardwood floor. Blackness. Running through a forest, jumping over a shallow creek. She stops in front of the thin tree. Taliatha materializes beside her in a swirl of glitter, glowing with celestial radiance.

CARLYI... I saw you die!

TALIATHAMy kind cannot die, Carly The Thurman. Merely be... disrupted, for a time. You perceive but a fragmented sliver of Taliatha du Tenish-con Tathbarra. Before the first stars cast the --

CARLYYou’re a... cosmic entity? Like Rahk --

TALIATHADo not speak Evil's name in this space, unless you wish Evil to appear!

CARLYSorry... Where are my friends?

TALIATHA

! 82 !

Your friends' souls, trapped in Bradley The Valentine's cards, are but kindling for the Evil's signal fire. The Evil is rising and your realm, as you know it, is ending.

CARLYHow do I stop it?

TALIATHAPass through this portal into the heart of the Dreamscape, the incomprehensible reliquary of humanity's --

CARLYThen what?

TALIATHAConquer the Guardian to gain the Evil's ire and then cast your challenge to the Evil and its vile totem spirits.

CARLYAnd my friends? How do I save them?

TALIATHAYou've gotta get 'em all.

Taliatha fades away in swirling glitter.

CARLYGotta get 'em all...

Carly steels herself and runs to the thin tree, disappearing behind it.

INT. RED HALLWAY, DREAMSCAPE

Carly runs into the hall, the unearthly sounds of the Dreamscape pounding all around her. Cut to monstrous POV observing as she looks around. When her back is turned, the POV lunges towards her. At the last moment, Carly spins, bringing up her charged taser. A loud zap. She looks down at the floor and we see Bradley, twitching.

CARLYBradley?

BRADLEY

! 83 !

Don’t. Don't touch me.

CARLYYou're the Guardian?

BRADLEYRocky's always had my back. Now I've got his. All of them.

CARLYYou're helping him destroy our world!

BRADLEYIt's not as bad as it sounds! Our world is a total snooze-fest of conformity. Anyone tries to do or enjoy anything different from the norm is an instant outcast. We'll change that, reshape it all. Join us. Tacky chic to the nines!

Carly shakes her head.

CARLYYou can't "join" Rahk-tel-outha. Look what he did to the Zenda!

BRADLEYHe needs my help. He's my friend.

CARLYMy friends need me, too.

BRADLEYLet's parlay. I'll give you back Mondale, but the others aren't even your friends. They don't get you.

CARLYNo, but they've got me...

Carly's phone begins to ring.

CARLYHuh. It works!

BRADLEYThe call of Rahk-tel-outha. Don't answer --

! 84 !

Carly's answers.

CARLYHello?

Rahk-tel-outha's nightmarish, gargled howl blasts over the phone, forcing Carly to hold it away from her ear. Then...

CARLYRahk-tel-outha, I challenge you and all of your totem spirits --

Flash cut to...

EXT. OPEN FIELD, DREAMSCAPE

Carly stands in front of Bradley. Behind him are Mondale, Felix, Norma, Simon, Neil, Shelly, Jacquelyn, Mr. Stadenko, the Alpha Jocks, Cora, Shane, Rusty, and all the Party People. They are all in monstrous, totem spirit form.

BRADLEYCarly, please don't. You can't win! You said you're terrible at Super Challenge Battle Monsters!

Carly pops her neck, then speaks into her phone.

CARLYRahk-tel-outha, I challenge you and all of your totem spirits... to a game of Ninja!

BRADLEYYou're changing the game? You can't change the game!

CARLYSure I can. I'm a creative soul, maximum utmost!

Bradley cannot help but smile, and Rahk-tel-outha's broken voice blasts again over Carly's phone.

RAHK-TEL-OUTHA V/OChallenge. Accepted.

Carly steps forward, extending her hand. Bradley does the same, followed by the Totem Spirits. A crack of thunder, and the

! 85 !

Dreamscape field becomes darker, more ominous. Then, they all leap back. Carly is the Ninja Master, and her first slap goes wild. She ducks and weaves through a flurry of jumping monsters and slaps, then she leaps through the air. Again she swipes and misses, forced once more to go on the defense. Jumps. Growls. Swipes. Then it's Carly again, and this time, her slap makes contact with Patricia who, in a flash of light, disappears and returns as her human self.

CARLYHelp me!

Patricia nods and jumps into the game. Every slap from her and Carly transforms more of the monsters back into kids, though a few are seen being turned back into monsters by Bradley and Felix. At last, Carly is able to slap Mondale, who then slaps Felix across the face, knocking him to the ground.

FELIXOw. Frak!

He accepts an offered hand and then we see him spring to his feet, behind Mondale. He slaps Neil and then lunges at Mondale, who is oblivious. He turns her back into a monster and she lunges at Carly, who falls out of her way. She looks up from the ground and sees Bradley.

BRADLEYIt doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to keep doing this!

CARLYThe same goes for you...

The monstrous forms of Jacquelyn, Shelly, Neil, Mr. Stadenko, the Alpha Jocks, Felix, Simon, Norma, and Mondale join Bradley, forming a circle, all looking down at Carly.

BRADLEYI’m sorry, but it’s over.

OLIVIANo, it’s not!

The monsters all look up and the camera whooshes over to show Olivia and David.

OLIVIAThe party doesn’t end until I say so!

! 86 !

Jacquelyn hisses at the sight of her sister.

OLIVIAEven a... messed up costume party like this one!

DAVIDYou people think Ninja is cool now?

OLIVIAThen prepare for trouble.

DAVIDAnd make it double.

Carly leaps to her feet and the game begins again. The arrival of Olivia and David has clearly turned the tide. One by one, Carly, Olivia, and David knock each monster back into its true self, and then each new convert joins in helping convert the others. Then it comes down to Bradley and Carly.

CARLYIt doesn’t have to be like this.

BRADLEYIt does. I have a thing. You have a thing...

CARLYWe were supposed to go shopping! This isn’t how I imagined our second date...

BRADLEYI guess it just isn’t in the cards...

Everyone in the field has gathered around to watch the final actions between Carly and Bradley, almost a dance between them, echoing back to the first time they played. In a desperate lunge, Bradley overextends himself. Out of breath, he looks over his shoulder at Carly and smiles.

BRADLEYLooks like you got me...

CARLY(sadly)

Sayonara, amigo.

! 87 !

In slow motion, Bradley hold out his hand. Carly slaps it. Smash cut to total darkness.

EXT. DREAMSCAPE CARD MONTAGE

Soft, reflective music plays. A Super Challenge Battle Monster card fades in. It’s image is simple: a little boy with his parents, a happy family. The first card is then replaced by a second, the boy in the foreground, holding his ears. In the background, the parents are wildly gesturing in a heated argument. A third card, the mother holding back the crying boy, the father marching into the foreground, leaving. A fourth card appears, the little boy sadly looking at his Super Challenge Battle Monster cards, his mother in the distance, ignoring him. A fifth card arrives, and the boy is smiling, tiny tentacles reaching out of a Super Challenge Battle Monster card, towards him. A sixth card shows the boy, covered in the shadow of tentacles, signing a contract, with “I PROMISE” written in crayon. A seventh card depicts the boy, facing a playground of happy children. He holds Super Challenge Battle Monster cards in his left hand, and a giant tentacle that goes out of the frame in his right. An eighth card shows the boy, snug in bed, the “Rahk-tel-outha” card on the pillow next to him. Tentacles are pulling up the sheet, tucking him in like a loving parent. Fade to black.

INT. OLD WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

A flash of light, and EVERYONE is back in the warehouse. The glowing square is gone. Everyone stands around awkwardly, in silence. Then.

NEILOk. Bye!

Neil heads out the door. Everyone else talks among themselves, leaving, too.

OLIVIAWe just saved the world! Let's celebrate!

Mr. Stadenko pushes past her, shaking his head.

STADENKORest up, everyone. In class Monday, it's back to Algebra. We've got a lot to catch up on...

! 88 !

Olivia holds out her arms, trying to block everyone else.

OLIVIANo! Stay! This is my party now! We can make this epic!

DAVIDI think everyone’s had enough “epic” for one night, Olivia.

OLIVIAShut it, David! I’ve had just about enough of your negativity!

DAVIDWhat a coincidence, because I’ve definitely had enough of you!

A chorus of “ooooohs” and a smattering of applause. Olivia storms off, followed by Jacquelyn. She catches her by the door.

JACQUELYNHey! Olivia! Wait!

OLIVIAWhat do you want?

JACQUELYNI want -- I need -- some BLEEPing sister time...

As the sisters walk out the door, Felix looks at Mondale.

FELIXSibling forgiveness is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

MONDALEI wouldn’t know... and you won’t, either.

FELIXHey! This has been a real eye-opener for me! I’ve learned how important it is to be ok with who I am and --

MONDALE

! 89 !

Spare me your lame moral-to-the-story talk, Felix. When we get home, I’m going to kick your butt. End of story.

Felix looks across the room at Carly, who is standing alone, looking down at the floor.

FELIXSo, she’s single now, right?

MONDALEI frakkin’ hate you, Felix.

Carly begins walking towards the door, first past Simon and Norma, who are awkwardly trying to figure out how to kiss, and then past the Alpha Jocks who have Shelly surrounded. They have just told her something untoward and, with one fluid motion, Shelly slaps them all.

SHELLYWhat kind of girl do you think I am? Are you trying to start rumors about me? Where did you get such a stupid idea?

Carly reaches the door, only to find it blocked by Eddie Jacobs.

EDDIEHey, uh, Carly, right? Leaving so soon?

Carly looks up at him and cocks her head to the side.

EDDIEIt’s Valentine’s night, and I thought we'd hang, talk. You know, get to know each other. I just got here, so...

Carly tasers Eddie in the neck, steps over him, and walks into the night.

CARLYClueless butt-weasel.

Smash cut to credits.

! 90 !