vatican horsemeat, political horseshit and the shame of melting snow

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16/02/2013 20:45Vatican horsemeat, political horseshit and the shame of melting snow dampcardigan

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Vatican horsemeat, political horseshit and the shame of

melting snow

Posted by Damp Cardigan on February 12, 2013 1 Comment

A midweek entry implies pressing developments. This is not entirely true and is probably dueto having some time off work so, like a good and concerned British citizen, Ive paid moreattention to the news than usual as the trappings of making sure Ive got enough money to fillmy house full of shit I dont need get in the way the rest of the time. Time away from my job haspresented me with the opportunity to gather information from news media as opposed tofourth hand, opinion loaded social networking sites. Well, apart from the weather that is. Liveupdates of whats happening in the rarely ventured outside world is now viewed as a publicservice and, inexplicably, NOT a futile exercise in making peoples lives seem more interesting.

Horsemeat has been found everywhere this week. Seriously, in Burger King beef burgers, Tescoshelving, Findus Lasagnes, France, bananas and horses. Its a strange story that will enjoy itsposition as flavour of the week, literally, until the Daily Mail readers find another host for theirinherent vileness or they remember that theyve been eating this way for years with noconsequence. Their argument is that they were not told that horsemeat was present in the fastfood, ready meals and other convenience foods they shovel into their fat faces daily to saveprecious twat time. However, this argument is invalid. They voted a Conservative PrimeMinister into Parliament, lapping up every evil lie he spat out in the process without knowingwhat was in him. Ive looked and its not even as inviting as horsemeat, just horseshit withtraces of Thatcher D.N.A. Were all eating his political Happy Meal but its only later, whenweve discovered the foreign bodies that reside within, that complaints can be made. They cantcomplain though cause that would involve admitting they were at fault for once.
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Pope Benedict XVI handed in his notice this week and is the first general manager of the worldsoldest, organised crime syndicate to do so in 600 years. It seems abundantly clear that thehorsemeat scandal that rocked the Daily Mail readers to their very core was the catalyst in thissurprising turn of events. Who else on this planet could throw divine legislation behind thepenetration of meat into places where it really shouldnt be? The position of Pope is supposed tobe a life sentence where death certificate and P45 come hand in hand but this ones cashed in his

early retirement package and parked his Pope Mobile in the Pope Cave for the last time (verynearly wrote something about things sliding down his Pope Pole then, few). His position ofsupernatural superiority will be gone forever and will live the rest of his days by his givenname, John Ratzinger. Even his surname indicates an unholy union between animal andpopular, fast food refreshment.

The repercussions of this and the effects it will have on the modern world are mind bogglinglyinsignificant. Finding the wrong kind of meat in your meat pie has a greater and moreimmediate outcome. Those who have criticised Pope Benedict for being involved in the biggestchild abuse cover up ever witnessed have immediately jumped on his decision as an admissionof guilt. This bears the only significance afforded to a decision that seems like a public relationsexercise to boost the tarnished image of an archaic corporation.

A new Pope will be chosen now. However, I think in the spirit of promoting their evilorganisation they should hold American style election campaigns. I would like nothing morethan to see two, elderly, robed hypocrites debate each other on the subject of Catholicism if onlyto illuminate the inherent flaws in their prehistoric philosophies. A competition to see whoknows the most about their imaginary friend would unlock a wealth of comedy and woulddefinitely be the kind of television I would watch.

Perhaps, in the modern world, it would make more sense for the public to decide. Why not holda reality-television style contest to see which one is the most committed to the cause. We couldcall it Im a child of the Lord, get me some bulletproof transportation!!! If it went to deadlock, theycould have a sermon-off where the judges, a Muslim cleric, a Rabbi and a Taoist Monk (toremain objective), pick who they want to send home to spend the rest of their careers preachingon cruise liners.

These two stories will continue to amuse and bewilder for some weeks to come but mayhopefully make way for something more essential. The issue is that it takes something as

fantastically fucking stupid as the wrong meat in the wrong place to capture the imaginationand resentment of the public who desperately needed something to talk about once all the snowhad melted. I miss the snow, not because I particularly hold an affinity for dicking about in thecold but more because only the weather can keep Britains attention away from sympathisingwith villains. If only it snowed in Rome.

Phil Watson

Filed under Politics, Social Networking, News, Religion, Humour, Funny, Digital Media,

Blogging, Writing, Journalism, Facebook Tagged with David Cameron, Facebook, News,Christianity, Batman, Funny, Humour, Blogging, The Conservative Party, Journalism, RealityTelevision, Writing, Snow, Weather, Pope Benedict XVI, John Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI
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resigns, Great Britain, Pope Mobile, The Catholic Church, Catholicism, I'm a celebrity, get meoutta here

Comments

One Response to Vatican horsemeat, political horseshit and the shame of melting snow

1. gingerfightback says:February 12, 2013 at 1:16 pm (Edit)Alan Carr for Pope!

Reply

dampcardigan These, are the facts.

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