· web viewcitizen khan welcome to sparkhill, birmingham – the capital of british pakistan!...

1 Citizen Khan – Episode 5

Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community

Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!

Episode 5 - The Cricket Match

Aliya Khan: Oh, is this the new telly?

Shazia Khan: ____, isn’t it? __________________________!

Amjad Malik: It’s 42 inch plasma screen – ten eighty pixel high definition! The contrast ratio

and depth of field are so good ______________________________!

Aliya: It’s Deal or No Deal!

Shazia: _______________ – ___________!

Amjad: You never know what’s in the boxes!

Aliya: You’re such losers watching TV – ______________________!

Shazia: _____________________!

Aliya: ____________________________!

Shazia: ____________! Ta ra! Shame!

Amjad: Oh, no! _______! Oh, wait – ___________!

Mrs Khan: Turn that thing down! _____________!

Shazia: We can’t find the remote!

Mrs K: Oh – ______________________! I hope you’re keeping everything tidy in here –

___ _________________________________!

Aliya: _________! ____________________?

Mrs K: __________ – Mrs Shafiq’s husband died, and I’m holding a prayer meeting for her!

And ____________________________!

Aliya: But _____________________________! _____________!

Mrs K: And ______________!

Aliya: But the-

Mrs K: __________________________! The entire family’s reputation is at stake!

Mr Khan: Hello! ___________________!

Aliya: Fine! ____________!


Mrs K: ______________________! Amjad - __________________________!

Shazia: Don’t worry, budhoo, __________________________!

Amjad: OK!

Mr K: You shouldn’t be parked there! It’s my house and ____________________! Try and

__________________________________!

Amjad: Hello, sir!

Mr K: Oh, hello, Amjad!

Amjad: _______________________?

Mr K: _________! Come for Mrs Akmal! I told him, if you want to collect people, ____

___________________! If there’s no space, ___________________ until there is

space! Mrs Akmal’s __________________!

Amjad: Poor Mrs Akmal! _______________!

Mr K: ________________! She presses that bloody panic button __________________!

Probably _______________! Get the bus to Asda __________________! God! Here

– help me get these in!

Amjad: ______________, sir?

Mr K: ___________! ________________ from Cash and Carry! _________

_____________________________! Who needs energy saving? _______________

____________!

Amjad: ______________________?

Mr K: Of course! _____________________________!

Mr K: So – what do you think of the new TV? Good, eh?

Amjad: Yes, sir – ____________! It’s like ______________________ as Noel Edmonds!

Mr K: Well, __________________________!

Amjad: ________?

Mr K: ___________! England v Pakistan, __________________! Pakistan zindabad!

Pakistan zindabad!

Amjad: _______________________________!

Mr K: You know, I used to be a bit of a player __________________, you know!

Amjad: _______________________________!

Mr K: Khan’s on ninety nine! Lillee bowls! He smashes it for six! He can’t escape!

Amjad: _____, ___!


Mr K: It’s OK! ______________! Now, _______________________________?

Amjad: _______! Me and Shazia are ____________________! Mamma Mia’s!

Mr K: _____________, boy, but I tell you what – ________________________________

_______! Pakistan zindabad! Pakistan zindabad! Oh, _____, _______!

Mrs K: _____________! ______________________________? We’re supposed to be in

mourning, remember?

Mr K: We are? __________?

Mrs K: Mrs Shafiq’s husband!

Mr K: Oh, no! Oh, dear! ____________! Who’s Mrs Shafiq?

Mrs K: ________________________________! She’s coming round with ___________

_____________________ for prayers!

Mr K: But sweetie!

Mrs K: ____________________________________________!

Mr K: OK, but-

Mrs K: ___________________________________ – so __________________________,

they’ll tear me to shreds and I’ll never be able to ____________________________!

___________________________________!

Mr K: But ________________________!

Mrs K: So?

Mr K: So what is the point in paying a special one pound fifty a month for twenty five years

hire purchase price for brand new, previously used for demonstration purposes

plasma TV if I can’t even ______________________________?

Mrs K: ___________________________ – we’re holding funeral prayers. __________, __

___________!

Mr K: You think you have control of this house, don’t you? ______________________

_______ – __, __________! ____________, _______!

Mrs K: __________________________________________!

Mr K: ________________________________!

Mrs K: So, ___________________________?

Mr K: _______________!

Keith: _________, Mr Khan!

Mr K: Hello, Keith!

Keith: As-salaamu aleikum, Mr Khan!


Mr K: _________!

Keith: _____________________________? Bet the picture’s good, is it? Better than my old

set! _________________________________ – _____________________!

Mr K: ________________?

Keith: No, nothing! Just – you know, maybe I could ______________________! ________

_________, in case I wanted to upgrade!

Mr K: We’ve only got Al-Jazeera!

Keith: Oh!

Mr K: Do you hear that? No squeak! __________! What’s yours? Very whizz, isn’t it?

_______!

Radio commentator: _____, ________! Today’s eagerly anticipated twenty-twenty match

here at Trent Bridge ____________________________ is expected to be a cracker!

Stuart Broad will lead out his young side in a must win-

Mr K: Pakistan!

Riaz: Zindabad!

Mr K: Pakistan!

Riaz: Zindabad!

Mr K: Get the pakoras out, __________________________!

Riaz: As-salaamu aleikum, Mr Khan there!

Mr K: Wa aleikum salaam, Riaz! _______________________________?

Riaz: Oh, yes – __________________!

Mr K: ________! __________________ – big fan of the cricket?

Omar: Er – _______________________________________!

Mr K: Of course you have!

Omar: Er – football is the big game in Somalia! The Ocean Stars are the national team.

Unfortunately _____________________________________ because of the terrible

civil war which is still going on!

Mr K: You see? ________________!

Omar: _______________________________________!

Mr K: What? This isn’t the dark ages! _____________________!

_____________________ _____________ – ______________________________!

Omar: But what about Dave?


Mr K: Don’t worry about him! This is going to be great!

Mr K: Pakistan!

Riaz: Zindabad!

Mr K: Pakistan!

Riaz: Zindabad!

Dave: As-salaamu aleikum!

Mr K: Hello, Dave!

Dave: _________________, __________?

Mr K: Well for a starters, ____________________! Seriously, Dave,

_________________________! What part of “I’m not your brother”

____________________?

Dave: Well I just thought ____________________________________ and-

Mr K: ______!

Dave: -you know, _____________________-

Mr K: _____!

Dave: -and you call me Dave, so _______________________-

Mr K: _______!

Dave: Right! _________________, _______?

Mr K: Fine, thank you, Dave! ______________?

Dave: ___________________________?

Mr K: ____________________! England v Pakistan! _____________________, aren’t we,

boys?

Riaz: Oh, yes! Pakistan –

Riaz, Mr K: - zindabad!

Omar: Zindabad!

Dave: Right! Well I was just trying _______________________________ for the mosque

____________________!

Mr K: ________?

Dave: It’s a new thing, ________________! I thought it’d be a good way

________________ ___________!

Mr K: ___________? ________________, Dave, not LA Fitness! And this is no good –

“___ _________________”? We’re Muslim, Dave, remember?


Dave: I suppose __________________________! ________________________________,

but I’m still quite partial to a bit of the old leather and willow! The cricket!

Mr K: Oh, right – well! _________________! You know, being a Muslim isn’t just about

growing beards and _________________, you know!

Riaz: ________?

Mr K: Oh, no! It’s the whole package – _______! _________! _______!

Riaz: The three C’s?

Mr K: _______! Pakistan!

Riaz, Omar: Zindabad!

Dave: Reception’s not great, I’m afraid, but er, if you twiddle the aerial a bit,

_____________________________!

Mr K: _____________________?

Dave: ____________!

Mr K: _______________! That’s a bloody microwave! Where’s the other one – _______

___?

Dave: Oh, er, ________________! _______________________________ raised

objections!

Mr K: See – ______________________________________________________________!

In Pakistani community, ________________! __________________! Womens are

more like dirty rascal! We don’t get rid of the TV _________________________!

You think I got teeny tiny ______________? I’ve got brand new 42 inch plasma hi fi

def jam surroundy soundy! You can’t expect us

_________________________________!

Dave: It is a conundrum!

Mr K: Conundrum? ______________________!

Dave: What to do?

Riaz: __________________________!

Mr K: ____?

Omar: We were thinking ________________________________________!

Mr K: _____________, but-

Dave: __________! It’d be like _________________!

Mr K: _______, Dave-

Riaz: I thought you had the 42 inch surroundy soundy!

Mr K: ___________!


Omar: _____________________?

Riaz: You don’t have the surroundy soundy?

Mr K: Yes, but-

Dave: That’s settled then – __________________________!

Mr K: Right! Fine! __________! ______________________!

Riaz: Green Army!

Omar: Green Army!

Riaz: Green Army!

Omar: Green Army!

Dave: _____________________!

Mr K: Sweetie darling, ______________ erm, _______________________!

Mrs K: _______________________?

Mr K: _______________________ and help with your ladies’ prayer thing _________

______________!

Mrs K: OK, but all of the ladies have arrived – __________________________!

Mr K: _________! _______!

Mrs K: ____?

Mr K: You know, excellent, that ________________, ___________________________!

Mrs K: I think Mrs Shafiq will appreciate it, don’t you?

Mr K: __________________ – ______________! Her only regret will be, she doesn’t have

___________________________, just so you could do it ______________!

Mrs K: _________! _________________? Does it seem calm?

Mr K: Yes!

Mrs K: Good, because ________________, and reading from the Quran-

Mr K: ___________!

Mrs K: -and there should be an atmosphere of quiet contemplation!

Mr K: Look, it’s fine – ______________________! Now chillax, my sweetie darling!

_______________________, ____________, _____________ – OK?

Mrs K: ___________?

Mr K: Of course – ________________!

Mrs K: OK!

Riaz: Pakistan zinda-


Mr K: Shush! Oh, God! ____________, ________! And __________!

Riaz: __________? The Missus?

Mr K: No, _____________! It’s the neighbour – __________!

________________________, he’ll think I’ve brought the family over from the

villages!

Riaz: Are you going to put your lucky pads on?

Mr K: _____!

Dave: Who should I be cheering for, by the way? ___________________?

Mr K: ________________________________, Dave! On one hand, __________________

_____, backward country, home to _____________________________ – on the

other hand, _________________!

Dave: Right – ____________, though, so er –

Mr K: ____________________, Dave, you have to support Pakistan – _______________!

Dave: Ah, what about Bangladesh?

Mr K: _______________, Dave!

Riaz: Pakistan are batting – we need a hundred and fifty runs to win!

Dave: Hurray!

Riaz: Pakistan zindabad!

Mr K: Shush!

Omar: Zindabad!

Mr K: Shush!

Dave: Right, ______________________! ___________?

Mr K: Oh, bugger! ______________________!

Riaz: _______, let’s go!

Mr K: No, wait – ___________!

Mr K: Oh, God! Amjad!

Amjad: Hello, sir!

Mr K: __________________?

Amjad: I’ve come to collect Shazia – __________________________!

Mr K: _______________________!

Amjad: Oh, no – ________________________?

Mr K: ____________ – I’ve got some of the boys over from the mosque, and _______

_________________________, OK?


Voices: Pakistan zindabad!

Amjad: _______________________________!

Mr K: Amjad-

Amjad: ______________________________________ -

Mr K: Amjad!

Amjad: Mamma Mia’s! I’m going to have a Magnum and Shazia’s going to have a Cornetto!

Mr K: Amjad!

Amjad: Yes, sir?

Mr K: _______!

Amjad: OK!

Mr K: Now, I need you to ___________________________ and wire it all up!

Amjad: Got you!

Mr K: _______________________, don’t you?

Amjad: Yes, sir – I’m very technologically accomplished!

Mr K: But here’s the- but ________________ – ___________________________________

____, doing some of the mourning and the prayers and so forth.

Amjad: Oh yes – oh no, ________________!

Mr K: Amjad, ________________! ____________________, remember!

Amjad: Right!

Mr K: __________________, I don’t want to ____________________________________

– dead people can be a real downer!

Amjad: Sure!

Mr K: Now, I’ll make sure Mrs Khan is out of the way, and

__________________________!

Amjad: So you want me to ______________________________?

Mr K: Of course not! ___________________________, ____________________!

Amjad: Oh! So __________________________?

Mr K: No-

Amjad: ____________________________?

Mr K: No!

Amjad: ______________________________________?

Mr K: Amjad! Relax! __________! That’s it! ________________. __________________

_____________, have a nice time, but don’t let them

__________________________________!


Amjad: Oh! OK!

Mr K: ______________?

Amjad: Duh, ______________!

Mr K: Amjad!

Amjad: ___________________!

Mrs Malik: Mrs Khan!

Mrs K: Mrs Malik!

Mrs M: _____________________ – Mr Shafiq ______________________!

Mrs K: Terrible shame! ______________________!

Mrs M: ______________?

Mrs K: Well __________________________, but he always said hello when we met in

Asda!

Mrs M: Mm hm! Asda! Accha! [good] Of course, Mr Malik was ______________________

___! Just as I am with poor Mrs Shafiq! __________, I always assumed that _______

_____________________________________________________________!

Mrs K: Well _______________________! I’ll save you some pecoras!

Mrs M: Ah – er, erm- ______________________! Ah – she’s finished!

Mrs K: __________!

Mrs M: _____________!

Mrs K: ______________ to hear of your husband’s passing!

Mrs M: ___________________! ____________!

Mrs Shafiq: It is God’s will!

Mrs K: But I’m so glad that __________________________________________!

___________________________!

Mrs M: Yes – ______!

Mrs K: _________________ Mr Malik couldn’t be here, seeing as he and Mr Shafiq were

__________________! _________________________________ – he’s devastated

by your loss!

Mr K: I was moved _____________________________ as a tribute to Mr Shafiq!

Mrs K: Er, my husband would like to _____________________________!

Mr K: Mrs Shafiq, _______________________________! Mrs Shafiq, ______________

________________!

Mrs S: As-salaamu aleikum!


Mr K: Your husband was __________________________________________ – I should

know, I myself, ________________________________________________ – my

name’s Mr Khan, community leader – ________________!

Mrs K: __________________?

Mr K: ______________________! This is a very distressing time for me too, you know!

Commentator: It could be six –

Mr K: (noises)

Com: He’s out!

Mr K: (groans) _________________________! I’m limbering up! __________________

___________, you’ve got to be in good voice!

Mrs K: __________________________, and the ladies are going to be doing prayers in here!

Mr K: _________!

Mrs K: _________________!

Mr K: Psst! Amjad, _________! Excuse me! As-salaamu aleikum! _________! _________!

_______ – jaldi!

Aliya: ___!

Mr K: Aliya!

Aliya: ____________?

Mr K: __, ___________________!

Aliya: _______?

Mr K: _________________________________________!

Aliya: _________________________________?

Mr K: ________________________________? What are we doing with the te-

________________________________, Amjad?

Amjad: ________________!

Mr K: ________________ – brilliant! ________________!

Aliya: _____________?

Mr K: No!

Aliya: ________________?

Mr K: No!

Aliya: _______________?

Mr K: Yes!

Aliya: ___________________?


Mr K: Yes!

Aliya: _____________________?

Mr K: Yes!

Aliya: Thanks – I’ll get the door for you!

Riaz: Zindabad!

Mr K: Shh!

Amjad: ___________________!

Mr K: _______!

Dave: Are you going to plug it in?

Riaz: __________________?

Mr K: ____________!

Omar: Oh yes – the remote!

Mr K: _____________! _______________ – oh, God!

Omar: __________________________________?

Mr K: ____?

Omar: Crips and that!

Mr K: ________________________!

Dave: _________________________!

Mr K: ____?

Dave: I can say as-salaamu aleikum to Mrs Khan!

Mr K: No you don’t – __________! ___________________?

Riaz: ______!

Mr K: _______?

Riaz: I had two cans of Fanta on the way here!

Omar: He was chugging it!

Mr K: Occupied – ________________________?

Riaz: No!

Dave: __________________________!

Mr K: ____________! And put those cushions back! And you – ________________!

Amjad: ___________________!

Mr K: Amjad – ______________________________!

Amjad: Thank you, sir!


Shazia: Dad!

Mr K: Oh! __________? ____________ – is it Amjad?

Shazia: ___________!

Mr K: Well – _______________! __________________________________________?

Shazia: Well she’s holding prayers for the dead!

Mr K: ________________________! Right – go on then!

Shazia: Right, well, we’ve been planning this trip to the theatre for ages, and I thought

______ _____________________ as much as I was, but now,

_______________________!

Mr K: ________!

Shazia: ___________________________! ______________________________!

Mr K: Well – ____________________________!

Shazia: _______________________________!

Mr K: OK!

Shazia: I’m going to go and tell Mrs Malik right now!

Mr K: No! Darling, he’ll turn up eventually! You know, sometimes, __________________

_________ – to be a man, and think about – __________ – like cars, or DIY – or

sometimes, ______________________, like this!

Shazia: ________________________________!

Mr K: ____________ – see!

Shazia: But ___________________________________!

Mr K: Well ___________________, is it? Look – this wouldn’t be a problem ___________

_____! And you’re not – and _______________, and __________ – and quite

frankly, _____________________________!

Mr K: Mrs Khan, _____________________________________ – you know, this praying

can be thirsty work, no?

Mrs K: Oh, _____________________, thank you!

Mr K: Not at all!

Mrs K: _______________________________________!

Mr K: You know me – _________________________!

Mrs K: You know, Mr Malik wouldn’t even give his wife a lift –

_______________________ _______!

Mr K: What a rotter!


Mrs K: You know, if you want to be really helpful, maybe you could

____________________ ___________!

Mr K: Of course - what?

Mrs K: We’re just finishing our final prayers, and then

______________________________!

Mr K: But sweetie – _______!

Mr K: __________________?

Amjad: ___________________!

Mr K: _______?

Dave: None of these work – we think it might be your aerial!

Omar: Ah – this is your main TV feed! ______________________________________!

Mr K: _______________!

Riaz: It’s the last over! __________________!

Mr K: Amjad, _________________________?

Amjad: _________________________!

Riaz: Come on – get your lucky pads on!

Amjad: ____________________________!

Mr K: ___?

Amjad: Shazia! I think ________________________ about missing Mamma Mia’s!

Mr K: _________!

Amjad: ________________________________!

Mr K: _______________!

Amjad: ____________________!

Mr K: _________!

Amjad: ______________!

Mr K: I keep telling you – she doesn’t give a bloody monkey’s!

Dave: ________?

Mr K: No!

Omar: If the lead is long enough, we can feed it off the aerial of the neighbour!

Mr K: _____________! Look, Shazia’s in with the ladies now, helping with the dead man’s

prayers – ___________________!

Amjad: I think _______________________________________________!


Mr K: Look, _________________________! Sometimes women say they want to be in

charge, but really, ____________________________! It makes them feel ________

_______________! As we say in Pakistan, all snuggly buggly!

Amjad: But sometimes, _____________________________________, like the other day -

Mr K: Yes?

Amjad: - ________________, and _______________________ –

Mr K: _________, yes?

Amjad: - and I couldn’t decide whether to have a kebab or a roti, so I was like,

“_____________? _____________?” And Shazia said, “Amjad, have a roti – ___

________________!” _________________!

Mr K: ________________________! Now, _________________________________?

Amjad: I think ______________________________________!

Mr K: Oh, God!

Omar: ___________!

Mr K: __________________?

Omar: This is how we used to watch Homes Underneath the Hammer in Somalia!

Dave: ______________________! I knew we should’ve stayed at the mosque!

Mr K: ____, ____________!

Mr K: Oh, God!

Keith: Hi!

Mr K: _________________________?

Keith: ________________________ the cricket’s on round mine if you want to watch it!

Mr K: No, thank you!

Keith: Well ________________________________!

Mr K: No, thank you – __________________________!

Keith: ___________________?

Mr K: These are prayer pads – __________________ whilst you’re praying!

Keith: Oh, right – and that?

Mr K: This – is a Muslim religious artefact!

Keith: ________________________!

Mr K: That proves __________________________________, and therefore, a bloody

racialist! Thank you - goodbye!


Mr K: Ah! Excuse me!

Mrs S: __________, ______________!

Mrs K: _______________?

Mr K: Nothing! ________________!

Mrs K: __________________?

Mr K: I was offering Mrs Shafiq my condolences!

Mrs K: Oh, Mrs Shafiq, I’m so sorry! _____________________________________ at work

lately! And he’s really, really, very upset about your husband’s passing!

Mr K: Yes – _____________________________!

Mrs K: ___________________________________!

Mrs K: _________________________?

Dave: As-salaamu aleikum, Mrs Khan! Omar got the aerial working!

Mr K: ___________________________!

Shazia: Amjad!

Amjad: ________________!

Shazia: Why, Dad?

Mr K: ________________!

Mrs S: ________________________, and __________________________,

_____________, and ____________________!

Mrs K: Oh, my God!

Mrs S: ______________________________! ____________________________________

___________!

Mrs K: No, no, no, she isn’t! ______________________! Where’s Alia?

Mr K: ________________!

Mrs K: Oh, my God – ________________!

Omar: ________________________________!

Mrs M: _________________________! Amjad – come and help me with Mrs Shafiq!

Shazia: _____________, _____________________________!

Amjad: But ladoo, I don’t-

Mrs K: No, please, please don’t go, please! Here, have some more food –

_________________ ________ – ________________, please don’t go – please don’t

go!

Mr K: __________?


Mrs K: __________________ that Mr Shafiq was such a huge fan of Abba?

Mrs S: Oh, yes – ___________________________________!

· web viewcitizen khan welcome to sparkhill, birmingham – the capital of british pakistan!...

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