vol. 19 issue 21
TRANSCRIPT
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Vol. 19 Issue 21 All Rights Reserved © 2021
WHY SOME BOOKS ARE
NEVER PUBLISHED Bad lines from bad books
...They lived in a typical suburban
neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
...John and Mary had never met. They
were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
... He fell for her like his heart
was a mob informant, and she was the East
River.
... Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
... Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
...The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
...He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphori-
cal lame duck, either, but a real duck
that was actually lame, maybe from
stepping on a land mine or something.
...The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe
and extended one slender leg behind her,
like a dog at a fire hydrant.
...Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
after a sneeze.
THE REASON THAT MAN IS SELDOM SATISFIED WITH HIS SALARY IS THAT WHEN IT INCREASES, HE INCREASES HIS EXPENSES
LIFE IS GOD’S NOVEL. LET HIM WRITE IT
Fred: My great grandfather, an avid golfer his whole life,
claimed he watched America win an Olympic gold medal for
golf. I don’t remember golf ever being a featured sport. What
gives? Signed, Sandy Traps.
Dear Sandy: Golf was an Olympic event only twice, once in
1900 and again in 1904. They tried again in 1908, but no one
showed up. The first time out it featured both a men and
women’s event (the first time women had ever competed in the
Olympics). But a scant 4 years later it had been pared back to a
men’s only competition. The 1904 Olympic games included a
putting contest.
In 1900, the men played two rounds (36 holes), summing the
scores. The women played half a round (9 holes). In 1904, the
men played match play. In the 1900 games, the USA came in
first in both the men and women’s events.
In 1904, a Canadian gentleman by the name of
George Lyon, in a match called ‘the greatest
golf tournament ever held in America, won
the gold medal.
Lyon, then in his forties, accepted his
trophy by walking down the path to
the ceremony on his hands.
NEVER BE AFRAID TO TRUST AN UNKNOWN FUTURE TO A KNOWN GOD - CORRIE TEN BOOM
WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN A man died and went to heaven. An angel was showing him
around. The two walked side-by-side inside a large workroom
filled with angels. The man’s guide stopped in front of the
first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all
petitions to God said in prayer are received"
The area was terribly busy with many angels writing out peti-
tions sent from people all over the world. Other angels sorted
these requests into huge stacks.
Then the pair moved on down a long corridor reaching a sec-
ond section. The angel then said, "This is the Packaging and
Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people
asked for are processed and delivered to the persons who
asked for them." Again the area was very busy, with many
angels working hard, packaging and delivering the many
blessings that had been requested.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor the man and the
angel stopped at the door of a very small room. To his great
surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing.
"This is the Acknowledgment Section," the angel quietly ad-
mitted. He seemed embarrassed.
"How is it that there's no work going on here?"
I asked.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people re-
ceive the blessings that they asked for, very few
send back their thanks."
OUR GREATEST FEAR SHOULD NOT BE OF FAILURE BUT OF SUCCEEDING AT THINGS IN LIFE THAT DON’T REALLY MATTER
A LIFE IS NOT IMPORTANT EXCEPT IN THE IMPACT IT HAS ON OTHER LIVES - JACKIE ROBINSON
‘BE STRONG’, I WHISPERED TO MY WIFI SIGNAL
YOUR POTENTIAL IS THE SUM OF ALL THE POSSIBILITIES GOD HAS FOR YOUR LIFE - CHARLES STANLEY
MY TOASTER HAS TWO SETTINGS: TOO SOON OR TOO LATE
WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
I LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD SO BAD THAT YOU CAN GET SHOT WHILE GETTING SHOT – CHRIS ROCK
BE FAITHFUL IN SMALL THINGS BECAUSE IT IS IN THEM THAT YOUR STRENGTH LIES - MOTHER TERESA
THE LORD YOUR GOD IS IN YOUR MIDST, A MIGHTY ONE WHO WILL SAVE
I’M IN DESPERATE NEED OF A 6-MONTH VACATION, TWICE A YEAR
GOD IS SELDOM EARLY BUT NEVER LATE
FOUND INSIDE A FORTUNE COOKIE: ‘WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CARS EXTENDED WARRANTY!’
I LOVE MY COMPUTER BECAUSE ALL MY FRIENDS LIVE INSIDE IT
* The rarest shape for a human nose is the bulbous
type, exemplified by former U.S. President Bill
Clinton.
* Smuggling a cat out of ancient Egypt was
punishable by death.
* A variety of corn grown in Peru has kernels
so large that they're eaten individually.
* After impressionist painter Claude Monet developed cata-
racts, he agreed to have surgery on his right eye only. It is be-
lieved that afterwards he could see and paint a wide spectrum
of colors usually not seen by the human eye.
* Dinosaurs often swallowed large rocks, which stayed in their
stomachs and helped them grind up food.
* One in 23 million people have an allergy to water.
* In 1631, royal printers Robert Barker and Martin Lucas pub-
lished a Bible containing the typo "Thou Shalt Commit Adul-
tery." As if that weren't embarrassing enough, another mis-
print, in Deuteronomy, substituted the word "greatnesse" with
"great-asse." Barker and Lucas were fined 300 pounds and lost
their printing license. Less than a dozen copies of what came
to be known as the "Wicked," "Sinful" and "Adulterous" Bible
are known to exist today and are highly prized by collectors.
* On average, a person's eyes make 15 to 30 gallons of tears a
year.
* A rainbow's arc is relative to the position of the person ob-
serving it, so it is impossible for two people to actually see the
exact same one.
* The air around a lightning bolt is five times hotter than the
surface of the sun.
* While rare, there have been enough reported cases
of strokes triggered by spa massage treatments that
the medical community has nicknamed the phe-
nomenon "beauty parlor stroke syndrome."
* Altocalciphilia is a fetish for high heels.
Thought for the Day: "Ambition is the path to
success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive
in." -- Bill Bradley
(c) 2021 King Features Synd., Inc.