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Clackamas Community College, Oregon City, OR Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009 Volume 43, Issue 3

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From pompoms to flags: former cheer-leader joins flag football team

Page 6

Follow the corn maze and roll on the hay ride to our pumpkin patch reviews

Page 9

It’s dark. One hand is grasp-ing your companion’s, the other is groping blindly in front of you. The floor is uneven and it feels as though it could abruptly end at any moment. There is no light and the only sounds are the haggard breathing com-ing from you and your group. Suddenly, there’s a loud bang right next to your ear.

It’s moments like this that make your blood run cold and a scream erupt from within. It’s moments like this that make Portland’s Scream at the Beach the place to go to be scared.

Scream at the Beach is in its ninth season, and so far it proves to be the biggest one yet.

Rated in the top 3 percent of best haunts in the nation, Jantzen Beach’s seasonal scare-fest is well known to natives and tourists.

Located at the Jantzen Beach SuperCenter inside the old

Circuit City building, Scream at the Beach has five haunts this year all connected in one seem-ingly never-ending tour and is the biggest haunt around.

This was my first year attend-ing the event, and I must say, it held up to my expectations.

Walking through the haunt, I think I screamed and jumped at more things than I have in my entire life. It wasn’t the flashing lights or the animatronics that scared me most of all. It was the lack of light, the endless tunnels, and the cast that fright-ened me to the point of terror.

Around every corner, and sometimes above your head, there was something that was not expected.

You start out in the Gothenberg Estate where ghouls and madmen come at you from nowhere. Then you wander through the Clown’s Playground where any victim is a coulrophobe. Next you emerge outside in a graveyard and ushered into the darkest tunnel you’ll ever be in. In the following moments, you find yourself the human sacrifice in an ancient ritual. Finally, you’re running from a military experi-ment gone wrong.

All the while, you’re being asked if you want to play a game.

If you’re not the type to get scared by things like that, an amusing way to pass the time in the haunt is to throw off the actors – something that is very hard to do. Every member of the cast is dedicated to their character and are not easily diverted.

By Kayla CallowayCopy Editor

As many community colleges are doing, Clackamas is in the beginning stages of becoming a smoke-free campus.

According to “Smoking on campus, review and recommendation, June 10, 2009,” a smoking ban at Clackamas is con-sistent with community college trends, not only in the metro area but statewide.

Although, Alyssa Fava, Associated Student Government President, does not personally believe CCC is attempting to ban smoking because everyone else is doing it.

Fava believes banning smoking is a good step and has many benefits, not only health but also environmental.

The Campus Use and Development Committee were the first ones to draft the proposal.

If the proposal were approved, the smok-ing cabanas would be torn down, and dis-cussion is still taking place on whether or not students and faculty could smoke in their cars in the parking lots.

Fava stated that the process is very much in the preliminary rounds and could take a couple of months to a year.

A possible date that has been discussed is Aug. 9, 2010.

ASG’s main goal is to keep students informed and involved in the process, Fava said. ASG plans on releasing surveys to see

how students feel about the possibility of the smoking cabanas being taken away.

“I have heard extremes of, ‘Yes, it’s great,’ and, ‘No, it’s terrible,’” Fava said, revealing that there are some students already aware of the possibility.

“I think it’s a choice, honestly, not a good choice but a choice,” said Jannette Newton, a CCC student and smoker, when asked about how she would feel if the school banned smoking. Newton also believes it will just be more hassle for the college.

“If people want to smoke, let them,” Newton stated.

“It’s unenforceable. It’s a shame,” Sandra Vincent, a student who smokes, said about the possibility.

ASG has been meeting with representa-tives for community colleges that have recently gone smoke-free in order to find out the best process to go through for CCC.

Portland Community College has had issues with students smoking on public sidewalks that are right next to the school and throwing the cigarette butts on school grounds.

Fava also explained that other students who are not littering their cigarette butts will carry them with them to class and that presents a smelly situation, as anyone who has been around someone who saves ciga-rette butts would know.

To ban or not to ban

By Abigail NeetNews Editor

Please see CIGARETTES, Page 5

Welcome to your doom at Scream at the BeachWe send our corre-spondents to Scream at the Beach for frights galore

“It’s dark. One hand is grasping

your companion’s, the other is

groping blindly in front of you.

Mark Sunderland Clackamas PrintSouthern version of Michael Myers greets Scream at the Beach vistors with a bottle of A1 Sauce on Friday, Oct. 23. Please see SCREAM, Page 8

2 newsWednesday, Oct. 28, 2009the clackamas print

The Community Center on campus is the place to go when wondering where to look for job opportunities. Bailee Sanders, the vice president of the Associated Student Government and Lisa Dye, a financial aid specialist at Enrollment Services on campus were informative of places to look when wanting a job or volunteer work.

An option for students with lower incomes is the Work Study program. It is funded by the feder-al government and awarded based on financial aid. The award is based on first come first serve.

“Students are able to be employed on campus and earn award money that way,” explained Dye.

Work Study is a great opportu-nity to earn money for school. The best part is that it is not like a loan because the students are instantly paid by working.

A simple tip to finding job and volunteer opportunities on and off campus is looking at community boards around campus. There are helpful flyers and postings up in

the Community Center that can be helpful.

The student government offers great volunteer opportunities. Ways to volunteer on campus include helping teachers or work-ing internships with a specific area of study. If that is not of interest, there are also volunteer ideas in the advising and counseling office on campus.

Is volunteering a passion per-haps? There is a class on campus where it is possible to help the community while getting a school credit for it.

“It’s basically an opportunity for volunteer and be able to get a credit,” stated Mindy Brown, department chair of student lead-ership.

The class is called service learn-ing. There is a beginning class and a two credit course to follow after taking the first.

To find more information, take a look at the class description or contact Brown at (503) 657-6958 ext. 2250 or e-mail her at min-dyb@clackamas.edu.

For more information on the Work Study program, contact Dye at (503) 657-6958 ext. 2423 or e-mail her at lisad@clackamas.edu.

CCC offers resources for job optionsBy Jessica Horner

The Clackamas Print

Brad Heineke Clackamas PrintKat Perez speaks with Dannah Bakkum, an administrative assistant for enrollment services. Bakkum is in the Work Study program and works about 10 hours per week.

“Sorry, I haven’t been to many

career resource centers lately.

Steven Pricestudent

Student PollWhere do you think is the best place to find a job?

“Online.

Jackie Sythstudent “Besides Work

Study, Monster.com.

Tiffany Vessstudent

“A job place-ment center near

McLoughlin (Boulevard), other than that I don’t

know.

Latisha Burleystudent

The Clackamas Print19600 S. Molalla Ave.Oregon City, OR 97045503-657-6958, ext. 2309

Co-Editor in Chief: Kayla BergeCo-Editor in Chief: John HurlburtCopy Editor: Kayla CallowayNews Editor: Abigail NeetAssociate News Editor: Annemarie SchulteA&C Editor: Matthew OstergrenSports Editor: Mark FosterPhoto Editor: John ShufeltWeb Editor: Brad Heineke

Ad Manager: Meredith JamesDesign Editor: Kelsey SchneiderStaff Writers/ Photographers: Erik Andersen, Dale Balbi, Carlos Calderon, Robert Crawford, Matt Garrison, Jessica Foster, Jessica Horner, Javierh Montero, John Petty, Brian Steele, Steven Weldon, Mark Sunderland

Production Assistants: Jaime Dunkle, Corey Romick, Jessica Sheppard

Journalism Adviser:Melissa Jones

Goals: The Clackamas Print aims to report the news in an honest, unbiased, professional manner. The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the student body, college adminis-tration, its faculty or The Print. E-mail comments to chiefed@clackamas.edu.

Clackamas Print

Vice President Bailee SandersHow’s the third week of fall

term going for you so far?I would say the third week has

been a successful one. I remem-bered to pick up my books from the book exchange but my first project in ceramics turned out to look more like a tombstone.

How many years have you been at CCC?

This will be my second year at CCC.

Do you have a major, or plan-ning to transfer? What are your plans after CCC?

I plan on transferring to the University of Oregon to study sports marketing upon my completion of the ASOT at Clackamas.

What are your hopes and goals for ASG this year?

We are hosting “Buzz with the Prez” that will provide an informal opportunity for students to come and chat with us about what is going on at CCC.

We aim to get more students involved around campus through intramurals, volunteer opportunities, clubs, and many her things.

What is the best part about being involved in ASG at CCC? And what do you think you gain from it?

Personally, my favorite part about ASG is getting to know the students at Clackamas.

Where did you graduate from and grow up?

I graduated from Oregon City High School in 2008. I have spent most of my life right here in good ol’ Oregon City.

What is the best advice you’ve gotten since you’ve been at CCC?

“Hey you should check out Student Government.”

Favorite class and instructor this term?

Favorite class: Ceramics. It is fun to learn a new skill and it is a nice break from the typical classroom.

Favorite instructor: Joan Ryan. I think she is hilarious.

How did you get into ASG?I was recommended by a friend

and former ASG member. I applied and it was all downhill from there.

What are your duties?

As Vice President I oversee the Senate. I am also the clubs officer.

I sit on the Foundation Board as the student representative.

Anything new going on in ASG?

I mentioned before flag football is coming up, as well as ultimate frisbee, the blood drive, and Buzz

with the Prez. What are your career plans and

hopes? Do you think ASG will help you in your chosen future career?

I see myself as someone who plan/organizes sporting events. All the experience I am getting planning and organizing ASG events will defi-nitely help me out.

What is the most difficult part about being involved in ASG?

Balance.Were you involved in student

government in high school?Not student government. I was

the Vice President of Promotions for the Oregon City DECA Chapter and I was in leadership roles in the sports I played.

What is your favorite place to eat near campus?

Super Torta.What’s your favorite Halloween

movie? I don’t do scary movies well.What is your favorite part

about fall?Apples. I love everything about

them.

President Alyssa FavaHow’s the third week of fall

term going for you so far?Fall term is going really well. How many years have you been

at CCC?This is my second year at CCC. Do you have a major, or plan-

ning to transfer? What are your

plans after CCC?I don’t have a declared. I am plan-

ning to transfer after CCC to a four year university.

How are the intramural sports developing?

The intramural sports are coming along quite nicely.

We have ultimate frisbee and flag football coming up at the end of this month.

What are your hopes and/or goals for ASG this year?

My hopes are that we continue to provide great services, events and opportunities for the students we serve.

What is the best part about being involved in ASG at CCC? And what do you think you gain from it?

You gain so much from ASG on so many levels. The person I was last year when I walked in to Student Leadership is not the same person I am today

Do you receive a tuition waiver? Do any of the other officers?

Every position in ASG offers a stipend because there is such a hefty commitment we request of our mem-bers in hours and dedication.

Where did you graduate from, grow up?

I graduated from Rex Putnam High. I’ve lived in Oregon since I was 10 years old. I grew up in Northern California in a small town called Weaverville.

What is the best advice you’ve gotten since you’ve been at CCC?

Take advantage of every opportu-nity that presents itself.

What is your favorite class this term?

My favorite class this term is my public speaking class.

How did you get into ASG?I got into ASG through my high

school counselor.What are your duties?It’s my job to act as the liaison

between the college administration and the student body, vice versa.

I attend meetings with our admin-istration and board.

I hold bi-monthly meetings that are open to our student body to come and talk with me.

I am also a member of the Oregon Community College Student

Association (OCCSA) Board.It’s also my responsibility to make

sure the team is working well togeth-er, events are running smoothly.

Is there anything new going on?

We’ve got some new events that we’ll be starting in the next few weeks on a political level and a few campus initiatives that we’ll want students to be heavily involved in.

Do you think ASG will help you in your chosen future career?

Being a part of ASG has given me so many applicable skills to whatever career I choose

What is the most difficult part about being involved in ASG?

The most difficult part of being in ASG is balance. It’s a demanding position, and I’m happy to do it, but I’m a student first.

Were you involved in student government in high school?

I was involved in leadership in high school, but I never ran for any specific governmental position.

What is your favorite place to eat near campus?

My favorite place to eat is Bugatti’s and Taco Del Mar.

What is your all time favorite Halloween movie?

My favorite Halloween movie is “Halloween,” I’m talking about the original Jamie Lee Curtis, crazy Russian cop guy, “Halloween.”

What is you favorite part about fall?

My favorite part of fall are the trees changing.

3Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009news the clackamas print

Student leaders tell their talesBy Annemarie Schulte Associate News Editor

President of ASG shares insights and interests in e-mail interview

VP of ASG gives advice via e-mail interview

“Personally, my favorite part about ASG is getting to know the students

at Clackamas.

Bailee Sanders Vice President

SANDERS

FAVA

Smokers better start stock-ing up on Neosporin because, once again, we are about to get

burned. As expected, Clackamas is now talk-

ing about making the campus smoke-free. The announcement comes as no surprise. Ever since the smoking shelters were implemented, it felt like the col-lege was on the verge of sliding down a very steep slope towards ridding itself of the annoyance that smokers bring to the campus.

Why wouldn’t we want to get rid of these cancerous tumors that are clogging up the campus’ collective lung?

My only response is at this point, who cares if smokers stay on campus?

When the smoking shelters were implemented, I absolutely despised the idea of herding tobacco partakers into tiny stables like a bunch of cattle for the slaughter. But the shelters grew on me;

they gave

smokers a dry place, sometimes with wind barriers, to practice in their habit. They also sectioned off the smok-ers into areas where those who did not want to be bothered by the smoke could easily avoid its pungent smell. The situ-ation felt like a win-win.

The reality ultimately related more towards the cattle in a slaughterhouse. CCC had begun easing smokers into realizing they had no more hope to keep their habit alive on campus.

Was there really a problem with the shelters? Most would probably say no but in order to stay cutting edge and look good in the state’s eye, meaning more grants and more funding, right now Clackamas needs to establish itself as a progressive institution.

This has led to great innovations at the school such as the Veteran’s Center, but there is always a negative to the positive and right now smokers are tak-ing a knockout punch to the face in the school’s quest for visibility.

Institutions such as OHSU and Portland Community College have

already become smoke-free. Even the city of Portland has announced its plan to be a smoke-free city in the long run. The recent bar and restaurant smok-ing ban has only gone on to prove that smokers are the new object under the public’s magnifying glass, and frankly we are looking like ants in the sights of a small boy.

Even though it does give the college better visibility on the state’s radar, mindless trend following almost never works out. Easily avoidable events such as the Salem witch trial, the impris-onment of Galileo, McCarthyism, the holocaust and “Twilight” could have been avoided if people were more into independent thought than following the group.

The ousting of smokers is not a public health concern; it is a fad. If health was the issue, we would be expelling the people who spray too much Axe body spray or Gucci per-fume. We would prod peo-ple who don’t use deodor-ant into broom closets and lock them in there until they broke and bought a stick of Old Spice.

Perfumes and body sprays are allergens simi-lar to smoke, and unlike smoking on campus, you can be forced to sit next to somebody while they choke off your windpipe with their injurious fra-grance.

Not only is the smok-ing ban a mindless tool to oppress one group of peo-ple in order to get funds

for the institution as a whole, it also creates an academic disability for the oppressed group.

Smokers do not work to their full potential unless they are able to oblige their right to smoke. Forcing smokers to crowd into parking lots during their 10 minute break between biology and Spanish will cause smokers to either be late to class, which would perturb instructors, or to skip the cigarette and face class in a state of agitation.

Some smokers may quit or start using smokeless products such as snus in class but most will blitz to the parking lot, attempt to consume their smoke in one inhale and run back to class sweaty, tired and late.

Students aren’t the only concern either. School staff and faculty who smoke will be forced into the outer edges of the campus searching for the closest parking lot. Breaks will be taken by marching away for a cigarette and overall efficiency will be lost due to the time and effort taken to get a break.

4 Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009the clackamas print news

A smoking hot face off battles onCleanse our campus of smoke

Progress is something that often comes slowly, but whether it is social or tech-

nological, it is often inevitable in its march. In an ideal world, people manage their habits not only to maintain their personal health but also out of consideration for others.

There is currently talk on campus of banning smoking entirely. Already people are only allowed to smoke in restricted spaces on campus. This is certainly an improvement over having a tightly packed group of smokers standing right out-side the door every time you walk outside of a building. That being said, it would cer-tainly be a further improve-ment to the environment on campus if smoking were banned altogether. There are slew of reasons as to why smoking should be banned on campus, and I would be delighted to share a few of them with you.

People can com-plain how the cam-pus is a public place, but it is a shared public place, and other people have to share the air. For someone who doesn’t smoke, it is rather unpleasant to walk past the cloud of smoke emanat-ing from the smoke shacks on campus. It leaves a bad taste in the mouth and a sense of disgust in the mind.

Beyond that, tobacco smoke doesn’t just affect the health of the smoker; it affects the health of any-one who has to breathe the smoke. It seems hardly just for others to be forced to inhale the smoke when they have made the health-conscious decision to not smoke themselves. For those who have asthma, sec-ond-hand smoke is an even greater concern.

Some smokers may complain that they need to get their nicotine fix in order to function properly during the day, but it is not fair to those who have no choice but to be around it.

My concerns extend beyond sec-ond-hand smoke however. If you haven’t noticed, there are a large number of minors on campus. Out of any demographic, teenagers are the most susceptible to social pres-sures to start smoking. It is impor-tant to maintain an environment that encourages teens to avoid smoking.

I have observed countless underage smokers on campus and it is a dis-couraging sight. Smoking will affect their health for the rest of their lives. It creates all sorts of health problems that often don’t manifest until much later in their lives and because of this, short-sighted teens often pick up this bad habit. If teens are not able to smoke while on campus, hopefully they will not start smok-ing at all.

Around the smoking shacks one can find any number of discarded cigarette butts lying on the ground. Not only is this disgusting, as those butts have been in people’s mouths, it is also litter that someone will have to pick up. Well either that, or some squirrel or bird will try to eat it, and that is just not good. It costs the col-lege much needed funds to pick up the shit that someone so carelessly tossed onto

the ground. It also leaves the air around it smelling burnt and

foul. The litter and the money used to discard it do not make the college look good when the college is look-ing to get grant money from the state or find potential donators.

Smoking is an expensive habit, and students who attend CCC are already poor enough. If their smok-ing can be limited, it could free up needed funds for much more important things like rent, food and tuition. Those dollars spent on packs could go to something of so much more use to everyone.

Progress is important in an institution, but even more so in an institution dedicated to education. Clackamas can and should lead the way. The banning of smoking in various locations is not a new thing. It is time for CCC to get on board, and push for a healthier environment and lifestyle. The costs are almost nil, and the potential gains are enor-mous.

By Matthew OstergrenArts & Culture Editor

By John HurlburtCo-Editor In Chief

Fight for our right to smoke.

5Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009 the clackamas printnews

It goes like this: Once upon a time, the super power of the world was engaged in war with numerous coun-tries, the economy was in ruins, job losses were at a 14 year high, hun-dreds of thousands of families’ homes were being foreclosed on, and the total number of troops overseas kept rising day by day to an incredible high of an estimated 113,000.

The above is not just a story, it is the present day state of our country.

I’ll admit it: I have Obama as a Facebook friend. I defend him over and over to Republicans, even to my own family. I proudly marked his box on the ballot on Nov. 4, 2008. I was freshly 18, ecstatic to vote. I knew I was changing history by electing the first black president. He promised “change” we could believe in and I was the solution. Almost exactly a year later as Obama’s approval ratings plum-

met lower than Bush’s, I am painfully aware that I made a mistake.

But I’m not the only one to make a mistake.

On Oct. 9, 2009 Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize and the big question ringing throughout the country was, “Why?”

Resident Political Scientist and Attorney at Law Dean Darris answered that question stating that the Norwegian Peace Prize Committee chose Obama for the “idiot Nobel Peace Prize” as a way for Europe to conjure Obama to do something, to keep his word, close Guantanamo Bay and make America a more peaceful state like he promised. It was a way for Europe to beg Obama to stop making mistakes and get back to what he told the American people he would do.

Regardless of the fact that Nobel Peace Prize nominations were due Feb. 1, only 11 days after Obama took office.

Obama is the fourth U.S. president to win the Nobel Peace Prize. He is the third to win it while in office and the first to win it during his first year in office. Unlike everyone before him, Obama was chosen not for his past accomplishments, but for his “vision” and inspiring “hope” at the beginning of his presidency.

“For 108 years, the Norwegian Nobel Committee has sought to stimu-late precisely that international policy and those attitudes for which Obama is now the world’s leading spokesman,” the committee said, explaining its deci-sion.

The committee added to that state-ment by saying, “Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama

captured the world’s attention and given its people hope for a better future.”

In a speech at the White House two days later, Obama said he did not view the award “as recognition of my own accomplishments. But rather as an affirmation of American leadership,” and went on to say “I will accept this award as a call to action.” He also posted a Facebook status update that read simply, “Humbled.”

Obama’s statements after that were interesting as well because he said that even he felt he did not deserve the award.

Obama revealed, “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transforma-tive figures who’ve been honored by this prize – men and women who’ve inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of peace.”

We must not forget, Americans weren’t the only ones with something to say about Europe’s surprise pick.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai said, “We congratulate, wholeheart-edly, President Obama on the award of this prestigious award.”

But Hisham Qasim, Egyptian democ-racy and human rights activist, said he was “shocked” Obama won.

“He has achieved nothing. He’s stumbling. He hasn’t achieved any of his promises and nothing is working. He promised to close Guantanamo and now that’s not going to happen, and the Arab-Israeli conflict looks like it’s going to get very nasty.”

Gideon Rachman, a foreign affairs columnist for “The Financial Times,” wrote a blog with the headline, “What did Obama do to win the Nobel Peace

Prize?”“I am a genuine admirer of Obama.

And I am very pleased that George W. Bush is no longer president. But I doubt that I am alone in wondering whether this award is slightly prema-ture. It is hard to point to a single place where Obama’s efforts have actually brought about peace – Gaza, Iran, Sri Lanka?”

He didn’t stop there. “While it is OK to give school children prizes for ‘effort’ – my kids get them all the time – I think international states-men should probably be held to a higher standard,” he wrote.

Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak said he thinks the prize “will strengthen President Barack Obama’s capability to contribute to regional peace in the Middle East, and to an agreement between us and the Palestinians that will bring secu-rity, growth and prosperity to all the nations in the region.”

Hamas official Ahmed Yousef also congratulated Obama, “though it is early for him to be awarded this prize.”

The winner of 1983’s Nobel Peace Prize, anti-communist Polish leader Lech Walesa, was quoted in The Wall Street Journal as expressing surprise.

“Who, Obama? So fast? Too fast – he hasn’t had the time to do any-thing yet,” the paper’s online site quoted Walesa as saying.

On Twitter, one person wrote, “Seriously cannot believe they gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. Ridiculous.”

Europe, you’ve got a lot of ‘splain-in ta do.

By Annemarie SchulteAssociate News Editor

Opinion: what’s the worth of the Nobel Peace Prize

“This is still very new to every-one, we are trying to figure out the best way to inform students,” Fava said, as she explained that the administration specifically asked ASG to tackle the topic during “The Great American Smoke Out” on Nov. 18.

Fava believes CCC does not have a huge population of smok-ers and believes most people’s reaction will be “Oh, it’s nice,” and says she herself is not a big fan of walking through a cloud of smoke.

Fava also wants to make sure everyone gets ample opportunity to express themselves about this issue and believes it is good that Clackamas has waited as long as they have to institute a ban so CCC can look at other colleges to see what worked and what did not.

Fava also wanted to empha-size that the school would not be saying, “You can’t smoke,” but rather, “You can’t on campus.”

For those who want to be heard, Fava says she is available and in her office almost all day everyday. Fava’s office is in the Community Center ASG offices.

CIGARETTES: coming under fireContinued from Cigarettes, Page 1

All photos contributed by Lynn Lennon

Lauren McReynolds (left) sits in the designated smoking area between Clackamas’ McLoughlin Hall and Bill Brod Community Center with fel-low smoker Ryan Morey on Oct. 26. (right).

6 Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009the clackamas print sports

I can’t believe I’m actually going through with this. I’ve signed my release form, I’ve bought a pair of cleats, I’ve gotten out of class early…even through I’m prepared, I’m scared out of my mind.

Besides P.E. in grade school, I’ve never played a sport in my 19 years of existence. Throughout high school, I had P.E. waived because I participated in at least two seasons of cheerlead-ing a year Varsity Football and boys’ basketball cheerleading. I thanked God every day for not subjecting me to P.E. and keeping my self-esteem intact.

I am the girl who hits herself in the face when trying to dribble a bas-ketball or spike a volleyball and the girl who can watch an entire football game and not have any idea about what is going on in front of her. Nor am I meant to play sports; I’m unco-ordinated and clumsy and I trip over my own feet.

The only experience I have ever had on a basketball court or football field has been cheering the players on, not playing in the game. That is my place, my home, on the sidelines. So why am I here standing on a field, trying to get myself to believe that I can play a sport? No idea. But it’s exhilarating.

It’s my first flag football game and I have NO idea what I’m doing. Someone once told me to do at least one thing a day that scares me though, and that keeps running through my head. It moves my legs and makes me walk out onto the field.

The game starts before I am aware of it and I’m mostly standing around for fear of getting in the way of peo-ple who actually know where they’re going. It’s pouring down rain and I’m already soaked. I keep my head up though, determined to prove myself as a girl, even more so as a cheer-leader.

I don’t really know what’s going on. Actually, I really have no idea what’s going on. I keep hearing terms thrown around like “shotgun,” “blitz,” and “go short!” These boys might as well be speaking Latin to me. In fact, I may have a better chance of under-standing that.

Numerous times I catch myself

standing with the wrong team and running after the wrong team. I’m sure I look laughable, to tell the truth. At least there are two other girls on the other team and so I don’t feel so out of place with the 15 or so other guys sprinting around me.

While I’m daydreaming, I real-ize I’m on the wrong side of the field. Had I realized this by myself I wouldn’t have been so embarrassed, but it’s when one of team mates says, “Annemarie, over here,” and draws everyone’s attention to me that I blush.

During the first game I am called

“the girl,” e.g. “someone cover the girl, get the girl.” My team wins and so we go on to another game. By this time I’ve realized that every time a ball comes even near me I run, scream and/or duck. It’s embarrassing and I seriously don’t know why I do it.

It’s then that it hits me that it’s my survival instinct. For every sport I cheered for, if a ball was coming near you, you ran the other way. Run now, ask questions later. There was so many times I got hit by an out of bounds ball during a game that I know to just get out of the way. So that’s what I do.

It’s the second game, and I am the only girl on the entire field. Now I feel out of place. I thought there were supposed to be two girls per team? It makes me feel pretty self-conscious. This team has dubbed me “Shorty” (although at 5’6” I hardly consider myself short for a girl, but I realize I’m nicknamed as so because I am the shortest player out here) and they con-stantly forget to block me. I get a pass thrown to me because no one is ever guarding me, but it’s too high. If only I could have jumped a little higher, I could have had my one moment of sports glory.

My hair that was beautifully straightened this morning is now drip-ping wet and tangled. My socks are muddy, and my hands are freezing. Still I’m not going to sit out; I don’t want my team to think I’m just a wimp. But my hair is my obsession and it’s kind of hard to get over the state of it right now, so I just throw it in a pony tail and try to forget about how long it’s going to take for me to comb it out later.

By this time the grass has been torn up by all the cleats (which thank-fully I am wearing or else I’m sure I’d be on my butt every other minute) and rain so it’s basically pure mud and even with cleats it’s hard to get enough grip to run fast.

I’ve assisted in making a few tack-les and gotten close to getting a few all by myself. I’m running around and actually kind of getting the gist of what’s going on. I’m no longer just stumbling around a muddy football field with a bunch of boys.

We win our second game and go on to our third. I’m pretty surprised we’ve managed to stay undefeated with me on the team; I thought I was a jinx to sports. But I’m not messing up too bad and we’ve won all our games so I can safely assume by this time that my team doesn’t hate me and most likely will allow me to continue to play with them next week.

We win our third and last game (still no sign of any other girls on the last two teams we’ve played) and

I’m so tired from running around. A few times I believe I saw my life flash before my eyes when I was sur-rounded by six or seven guys tower-ing over me, running around too fast or jumping too high for me to get out of the way.

I’ve managed to stay uninjured though, and I haven’t even fallen once. I’ve stayed pretty clean (but not dry) save for my socks, shoes and hands. Honestly, I can’t really believe it’s over. I can’t believe I made it

without 1) embarrassing the hell out of myself 2) falling and 3) losing my too big, borrowed-from-a-boy bas-ketball shorts. Many a time they fell dangerously low while I was running for my life.

I feel good though. I did some-thing completely out of my comfort zone, far from anything I would ever do. I’m actually looking forward to next Friday, and I’ve already made a promise to myself to practice throw-ing and catching the ball as well as memorizing and learning what “shot-gun” means.

Hey, maybe this is what I’ve been meant to do my whole life instead of cheerleading. OK maybe not, but a girl can dream right? Even if this isn’t exactly where I belong, I’m having one hell of time playing this crazy game.

Ex-cheerleader tackles flag footballBy Annemarie SchulteAssoctiate News Editor

All photos by Brian Steele Clackamas Print

Four teams of Clackamas students took to the field in an epic flag football tournament on Friday, Oct. 23. The event was run by the Associated Student Government as part of the intramural sports.

Above: Garrett Schnell punts the ball to the opposing team as Annemarie Schulte hustles down field to tackle the kick returner.

“It’s pouring down rain and I’m already soaked. I keep my head up

though, determined to prove myself as

a girl, even more so as a cheerleader.

There is no doubt that sports, in general, tend to be more male dominated than

anything, but in a school that just so happens to have a 55.1 percent female population, against 43.2 percent male, and 1.7 undeclared, Clackamas Community College can’t fall behind.

For the women’s soccer program, women get recruited from high schools, club tour-naments, state championship games, and Olympic develop-ment programs; it’s mostly networking.

“I’ve always played; I played all four years of high

school on varsity and was recruited from my club team,” says Kristin Krieger.

Being good is not enough. Aside from loving to play soccer and having the tal-ent, hard work and effort are required. Team players not only train hard for two hours every weekday but also every Saturday, as long as there is no game going on.

With ups, downs, and lots of enjoyment, the team is cur-rently 6-2-2 overall, and 6-1-1 in the league. The season has been going fairly well but not without the occasional bumps on the road.

With three more games to be played, women’s soccer coach Tracy Nelson hopes for a peak right before the playoffs towards the begin-ning of November. The goal? To be playing “the best soc-cer once playoffs hit,” said Nelson. “We have the poten-tial to win.”

However, winning the play-offs is not their only goal. The main goal of the soccer program is to get the women ready for the next level. By playing at CCC, the team not only gets to play in a safe envi-ronment, but also experiences soccer at a higher level.

“Girls are expected to not do anything that will embar-rass them or the program ... the idea is that they will be better people not just for now, but for the future as well,” said Nelson.

But how does Clackamas help out in their future?

Scholarships are awarded to the best of the best, which is tough in a team full of dedi-cated and committed players. The philosophy of the team is one of unity, where no one woman is the star; every one of them is important and valu-able to the team.

“They’re very good people ... we have a lot of talent in our team,” said Nelson.

At home, the games are played in the Oregon City Pioneer stadium. CCC does not have the required field to host a soccer team at this time.

Coach Nelson explains that according to NCAA regula-tions, “The field needs to be a minimum of 110 yards long, and a minimum of 70 yards wide.”

“All of us have great chem-

istry” said Krieger. In sports, athletes learn

discipline, respect, and values and as Krieger stated, you learn to not “take other teams [or anything] for granted ... give 100 percent in every sin-gle game and in class.”

7Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009sports the clackamas print

Fresh meat for Clackamas CougarsWith a shoddy roster last sea-

son it seems the baseball gods have finally thrown the Cougs a bone, or 49 to be more specific.

The Cougars’ roster has swelled since last season, when the small 22 man crew marched their way to fifth in the NWAACCs.

“We’ve got a lot of newcom-ers,” said Head Coach Robbie Robinson, “but we’ve also been pretty picky about the guys we bring in.”

Robinson has every right to be picky with the Cougs losing a good portion of their roster last spring to grades, lack of account-ability and various other issues. Still even with the knowledge of last season in their minds, the team was staying positive.

“Those guys weren’t just hurt-ing the team they were hurting themselves,” said veteran pitcher and 2009 All-Star Taylor Hill. “We have a lot better leadership this year though, and we’re really trying to work with these guys and make it fun for them.”

David Greenstein, another 2009 All-Star, agreed, “We have to live up to our reputation from last season. We’re all over the new guys to get them ready,” he said.

The feeling was mutual between the veterans and rook-ies as Jordan Anderson, a new pitcher out of Idaho, pointed out.

“I’m glad to be here, to be part of this team,” he commented. “All the pitchers and coaches have been really helpful so far.”

Some would argue there is a reason for both the rookies and

veteran guys to be concerned though simply because of the sheer amount of competition.

“We’re feeling like we have a lot of good talent,” said Robinson. “Our pitching staff is really deep and we have at least two solid guys at each position.”

Even with that level of com-

petition, sophomore pitcher Cody Ching was unphased.

“I feel like I’ve earned my spot,” he mentioned coolly. “I’ve been working on a lot since last year so I guess it’s more moti-vation for a lot of the younger guys.”

Hill concurred, “I’ve been

running a lot more than I have in the past, focusing more on aspects I’ve struggled with. You just have to set yourself apart from the rest of the guys.”

Some of the players were even more excited with the prospect of fresh competition.

“Everyone is lifting, running

staying in shape,” said the 5’8” 200 pound tank that is David Greenstein. “It’s really exciting with everyone competing for starting positions.”

Several of the new guys felt the same way.

“I’m working on the right adjustments and doing everything else I can do,” confirmed rookie catcher Beau Day. “It’s nice to have that level of competition.”

Robinson was characteristi-cally the most calculating on the topic. “Our goal is simple: teach, teach, teach,” he said after giv-ing a quick pep talk to several players running drills. “We put these guys in situations and we just have to see who will learn the fastest.”

The other players obviously had picked up on this vibe as several rookie pitchers could be seen working with pitching coach Mike Ellet, while other young players could be seen in the dugout with the veterans of last year.

“The competition level is a given” said Anderson. “It makes me want to go out and earn a spot.”

As always it was Hill who brought things in to perspective.

“Baseball is mental game” said Hill with his typical calm demeanor. “That’s where I get my advantage and that’s where these guys are going to have to look for theirs.”

“The key is though, to go out and have fun each day,” Hill continued.

Veteran Rayce Belmont could be seen joking with a couple of the new players, as Robinson yelled at his boys to run faster - seem like things just fine in Cougars Baseball.

By Jaycob IzsoContributed Article

John Petty Clackamas PrintCoach Robin Robinson stands by as players pack up after practice. Robinson is currently in his 20th year at CCC and 30th overall.

Brad Heineke Clackamas PrintSophomore Marissa Santana pushes the ball upfield against Everett Community College Oct. 9.

By Javierh MonteroThe Clackamas Print

Brad Heineke Clackamas PrintFreshman defender Rachel Nevell clears the ball against Chemeketa on Oct. 23.

Soccer team looks to kick it up heading into playoffs

Tight-knit team is ready to prove themselves in post-season play come November

The Cougars play their final home game today at 1 p.m. against Clark College. Their final

regular season game is Nov. 7 against league

rival Chemeketa Community College in

Salem.

Two noble lights flickered and danced within lanterns on a cool crisp, October afternoon, despite the fact that the 5 o’clock sun still sat lazily in the sky. The man, William Becker, outstretched his long-nailed hand to usher his tour group into the tunnel of the Oregon City elevator. The second lantern was held by a man named Rocky Smith Jr. These two guides were ready to usher the city’s intrigued visitors through the streets haunted with history.

This was my first introduction to the Northwest Ghost Tours which are walk-ing tours featured in the town where our college is located.

Smith walked behind us smiling kindly as he listened to his friend Becker retell stories of Oregon City’s past. We started at the elevator where Becker painted viv-idly a picture of the past where women in hoop skirts once struggled with their packages before the elevator had been built. It was then he brought up the first two ghosts out of a long list we would be hearing: Sarah Chase and a little redhead boy who we later learned to be Carl Green. We strolled our way down to Main Street while Becker repainted the landscape before our eyes of the late 19th century to the early 20th century. A time when the roads were dirt and trav-eled on by the use of horsepower (pardon my pun). The first building we looked at was an old pharmacy ... or at least it used to be. Now we would know it by the name of Mi Famiglia, a restaurant located on the corner of Main and 7th Street. There the ghost “Jimmy” remains fairly active.

Down Main Street, we passed several places as Becker retold the stories he

knew with the help of Smith. Becker talked about George the projectionist who used to work at the old Star Theater ... and still comes back. Becker also talk-ed about a more malevolent ghost named Dougie who has been recently cleansed from the Living Room Pub.

Further on we walked, past rebuilt buildings, car lots, across a cemetery that’s now covered with cement, down to where the Liberty Theater once stood which we now know as the Liberty Plaza. Once we sat down and settled in on the cold cement Becker revealed the story of Charity Lamb, the first female murderer in Oregon. She was sent to Dr. Hawthorne’s asylum until the end of her life. Eventually, we found our way down to where the peer used to be on 5th and McLoughlin Boulevard. There, a lot of

mystery was still about. Becker talked about a female ghost who dwelt here, along with a shadow that looked to be male, that had been spotted by previous groups from above. Becker admitted that this was one of the places he made sure to bring a lit candle every time he visited along. He also admitted that he talked with the spirits as he would descend the stairs to the river telling them why he was there and that he was coming. As he talked, the sun lowered itself past the horizon and the town clock struck its 30 minute toll. We traveled on as a few street lamps flickered before our very eyes.

The second place Becker was sure to bring a candle with him was next to the tunnel that drivers use to enter downtown Oregon City. This was a place possibly

haunted by five men who had been hung for a crime they had not committed. As Smith retold his stories of his experi-ences, I felt my own heart beat faster. There was a chilly realization that these stories that Becker and Smith had been telling were not made up. They were the real deal.

I learned a lot on my tour of downtown Oregon City along with three important rules: 1) Always carry a lit candle with you; it protects you from evil spirits. 2) Be aware of the history in the town you live in. 3) The most important rule of them all, be respectful of the dead.

For tour times and other informa-tion please visit www.nwghosttours.com. Tours require reservations; phone (503) 679-4464, call or e-mail reserva-tions2009@nwghosttours.com.

8 Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009the clackamas print

S C R E A M : H a u n t e d h o u s e h o l d s r e p u t a t i o n

By Kayla BergeCo-Editor in Chief

“We traveled on as a few street lamps

flickered before our very eyes.

&arts culture

Tour takes guests back to 1800s

Brian Steele Clackamas PrintWilliam Becker, the tour guide, tells how there was a graveyard and a Catholic church where the guests stand in a vacant parking lot. When the church was moved, it’s possible few graves were left behind.

Another change this year, other than the building, is the way the entire event is set up. In previous seasons, each haunt was separate, creating long lines. Guests were waiting for upwards of three hours.

This year, the only line you wait in is the one to get into the building.

Once inside, you’re given a group number. Then each group goes in at different intervals.

While you’re waiting for your number to be called, there is a whole Halloween Town of activities, includ-ing; Halloween Portraits, Bizzaro’s Hat shop, Captain Henry’s Pirate Store, Miss Morbid’s Playhouse of Horrors, and much more.

Outside the building there are car-nival rides and games, which seem a bit out of place in the middle of autumn, but nevertheless a great way to enjoy the season.

Scream at the Beach continues through Oct. 31. For times, ticket and contact information, as well as other events and casting opportunities, visit screamatthebeach.com.

Continued from scream, Page 1

All photos Brian Steele Clackamas PrintA cast member wears a scary mask to make the guests jump as they enter the Gothenberg Estate.

Outside the Circuit City building, Scream at the Beach features carnival rides and games for the whole family to enjoy.

9Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009 the clackamas print&arts culture

“World of Warcraft Blood Elves in epic Death Knight Ar-mor.” – Kimberly Miller

“Real zombies that are falling apart.” – Mike Burt

HOFFMAN’S DAIRY GARDEN

Exhibiting exotic animals such as lions, tigers, camels, porcupines, a giant pig named Lucy and a variety of others, Hoffman’s Dairy Garden not only serves as a great pumpkin patch but also a wildlife refuge. With a haunted house and lots of activities

for the kids including a maze of colorful tubes, a ball pit, haunted rides and a blow up bounce castle, the Hoffman’s Dairy Garden is a great place for the family.

Hoffman’s Dairy Garden is located at 6815 S. Knights Bridge Road in Canby.

FIR POINT FARMS

If it’s a corn maze you’re interested in or a good outdoor forest hike you might want to stop by Fir Point Farms. Containing a ship replicating a small Noah’s Arc for the kids to climb in, a tractor pulled hay wagon, a corn maze, scenic forest trail, hundreds of pumpkins, a gift shop and some other activities scattered across the land, Fir Point Farms is another fun filled family pumpkin patch and is conveniently located at 14601 NE Arndt Road in Aurora, on the way to the Hoffman’s Dairy Garden.

LIEPOLD FARM

Found on the opposite side of town in Boring is the Liepold Farm. A slightly bigger pumpkin patch, the Liepold Farm is home to a mile long corn maze with a Star Wars theme as well as count-less pumpkins and a tractor pulled hay wagon. The Liepold Farm also has a very impressive farmers market with great prices on a variety of fruits and vegetables. For the kids, they have anything from the gift shop with caramel apples and kettle corn to pumpkin launching by a rather large slingshot and an assortment of activities that the whole family will enjoy.

Liepold Farm is located at 14480 SE Richey Road in Boring.

Fall into the Halloween season

Photos by Erik Andersen Clackamas Print

By Erik AndersenThe Clackamas Print

We review a few places in the area to enjoy the harvest sea-son with your family and choose from a plethora of pumpkins to bring home and guard your doorstep this Halloween

LEFT: Patrons look out over the pumpkin patch at Liepold Farm, searching for the perfect pumpkin.

TOP: A group of people sit on a hay wagon ready to ride around Liepold Farm.

Poll: What do you think is the best Halloween costume?

“George Bush, that would scare the hell out of them.” – David Smith-English

“Mime was fun, didn’t have to talk. Got to wear face paint.” – Heidi Friesen

“The Stepfather,” starring Dylan Walsh as the charming, suave and completely mania-cal David Harris, brought in $12.3 million at the box office on opening weekend.

During the opening cred-its, a pan around the room shows Harris’s most recent victims; his wife and three stepchildren are lying on the ground motionless, dead, essentially leaving the audi-ence with no uncertainty about the plot to the movie or who the killer is.

Harris leaves the crime scene behind very noncha-lant, as if he did nothing wrong and sets off to find his

next victim in Portland.Claiming to have recently

lost his family in a fatal car crash, Harris immediately makes a connection with his next victim, recently divorced Susan Harding, played by Sela Ward, at a supermarket.

Through sweet talk and manipulation, Harris infil-trates the family and man-ages to get engaged to Susan in a blisteringly quick three months.

From then on, “The Stepfather” assumes the usual thriller/horror plots. Things don’t go according to plan, and Harris has to quickly take care of the prob-lems before he gets exposed. In the end his secret comes out, and it’s a race to see who survives.

Besides that it was filmed in Portland there really isn’t a whole lot to look forward to in “The Stepfather.” It doesn’t keep the audi-ence’s full attention; con-stant side chatter could be heard throughout the movie. It doesn’t have a superstar cast or even a big name star for that matter unless one includes Amber Heard, who played Baja in Never Back Down. Regardless of Heard’s affiliation with this movie she only plays a minor role.

The title “The Stepfather” says it all, in that it focuses primarily and exclusively on the stepfather, David Harris. Instead of spending $10 at the theater, one might be bet-ter off just waiting for the DVD to come out.

10 Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009the clackamas print &arts culture

BestThe New: “Paranormal Activity”

Although it just came out two weeks ago, it’s proving to be one of the scariest movies of the year. Made off a budget of only $15,000 (astounding considering the special effects) this movie is terrifyingly creepy and it will leave you with goose bumps and an intense fear of falling asleep alone.

The Classic: “The Exorcist”

One of the best for so many reasons. Who can forget that girl crawling down the stairs upside down and the green projectile vomit? That image is ingrained in every American’s mind and so much a part of living Halloween to its fullest.

The Creepy: “The Halloween series”

Possibly the best movie to watch on Halloween because the plot takes place ON Halloween night. It features a psychotic killer who murders his sister, then 15 years later comes back to murder more people, and this time he doesn’t limit his victims to just family members. Note to all males: this is an especially good one to watch with your girl (or just the girl you’re trying to get to go out with you.)

The Close-your-eyes-it’s-not-over: “Saw I-VI”

Most likely the most commonly seen series, they just keep on coming. The newest addition (Saw VI) is in theaters as of Oct. 23 and sure to be full of mind bend-ing twists and even more twisted torture devices. I still can’t get the image out of my head of that girl searching for a key around all those syringes in the needle pit during Saw II. Jigsaw just can’t give it up can he?

The One that will make your skin crawl: “Silence of the Lambs”

Take a serial killer who skins his victims, Buffalo Bill, and add Dr. Hannibal Lector’s white mask (an icon for terror all over the world as well as those creepy sounds he makes) and you’ve got a horrifying movie with a fascinating plot, practically made to watch on Halloween night.

2009 Halloween movie playlist:

By Annemarie SchulteAssociate News Editor

Photo illustration by Kayla Berge Clackamas Print

‘The Stepfather’ murders fami-lies but proves quite predictable

By Carlos CalderonThe Clackamas Print

Creepy ‘Paranormal Activity’ frightens audiences

What would you do if your place was haunted? Well, that’s a ques-tion a young couple in “Paranormal Activity” has to face when they move in together.

This story is a low budget film that has already thrilled people in theaters around the United States. The story is good and the characters are believable.

“Paranormal Activity” follows the couple as they go through their normal lives. Micah, the boyfriend, invests in a high-end camera to record the odd things that are going on in their house. Micah is kind of a jerk and takes the idea of a haunting less than seriously.

Through the camera, it shows that Micah and his girlfriend Katie are not alone in their house. Katie dislikes the use of the camera and understandably

so since the haunting gets worse as Micah provokes the being to get more on film. This causes the problem to happen more often and become stron-ger at night.

The movie is reminiscent of “The Blair Witch Project” because of the low budget and creepy story. The effects are great and shocking. If you liked “The Blair Witch Project” or you want to be frightened, I would suggest Paranormal Activity.

By Brian SteeleThe Clackamas Print

Photo illustration by Brian Steele Clackamas Print

11Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009 the clackamas print&arts culture

Worst The New: “Prom Night”

Like many other kids who saw this movie the night before their senior prom, I couldn’t stop laughing for more than 60 seconds throughout the whole thing. From the terrible plotline to the most predictable scenes – a girl walking “quietly” through an empty warehouse happens to knock over an entire stack of paint cans, lots of them, stacked in a great big triangle, and alerting the mass murderer of her presence. No, that never happens in scary movies. (Oh, sarcasm.) Bottom line: see it. It’s so bad it’s amazingly good.

The Hilarious: “House of Wax”

In her film debut, Paris Hilton won the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Supporting Actress. A loose remake of the 1953 version, this movie is painful to say the least, but oh-so fun to watch Paris Hilton run around screaming her head off.

The “Shoulda-left-well-enough-alone”: “Grudge 2”

Ok, we’ll admit it – the first one gave us shivers, but Sarah Michelle Gellar and the sequel bombed. The producers should have known that Grudge 2 was one too many of a Grudge movie and the first one should have just been left alone. Fortunately, for your entertainment and in their bad judgment they made another one. Hopefully this is the last, but watch it for a good laugh anyways.

The Gruesome: “Evil Dead 2”

The second in a series of 80s horror films, the main character is Ash, played by Bruce Campbell who deals with “deadites,” demons created by a “Book of the Dead.” Which raises the question: what’s more fundamental in a good horror movie than demons? This movie is so worth the ridiculous rental price Blockbuster is sure to charge you.

The Cheesy: “Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire”

We all remember this 2000 Disney channel movie, the Hansen kids, and the aunt from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Although it wasn’t released in major theaters or any theater at all, it still makes me smile to think of the horrible stereotype of a vampire in that movie. Disney succeeded in making one of the worst Halloween films of all time, even for kids. And are we surprised? Not one bit.

Honorable mentions for best movies“The Exorcism of Emily Rose”

“They”

“Seven”

“Poltergeist”

“The Shining”

Best and worst horror films

Photo illustration by Kayla Berge Clackamas Print

The cover features two very clean-cut men that appear to be in their late 20s or early 30s with unnaturally happy expres-sions on their faces. I think this is the whole point of the book. Something about the lifestyle that is typically promoted in modern conservative religious culture is unnatural.

If you are looking for a witty satire that will make you think deeply, you should probably not read “What Would God’s Pottery Do?” However, if you are look-ing to read something that will bring you a few laughs and has a few repeated gags that are pretty clever, then I recommend “What Would God’s Pottery Do?” It is a good bit of light-reading.

If you haven’t guessed by the title, it is a satire of the recent influx of religious devo-tionals and inspirationals that have been published and mar-keted to teens. The cover itself advertises the book as the ulti-mate guide to surviving your

teens and/or being successful. The whole piece is a drawn-out joke about religious culture in the U.S.

The authors of the book, Gideon Lamb and Jeremiah Smallchild, portray themselves as a Christian music duo with a lot of good advice for teens. In reality, the duo is a pair of come-dians named Krister Johnson and Wilson Hall who performed

on the sixth season of the show “Last Comic Standing.” They constantly exaggerate every silly stereotype and use the most delightfully funny euphemisms.

The book talks about every-thing – how to deal with one’s parents to making friends and even how to avoid drugs. One of the most common themes is abstinence.

God’s Pottery stresses the importance of not having sex before marriage over and over again. They describe the urge as a relentless force that must be resisted until one’s wedding day.

“The choice may sound easy now, but you will find that the urge to mate with your fellow Teens will be strong – as strong as a battering ram trying to pound open the doors to a beau-tiful castle, or a sledgehammer cracking open an oyster to get the pearl inside. But the beau-tiful castle doors must remain closed and the oyster strong, for one moment of giving in could result in pregnancy or death, and hellfire.”

Overall “What Would God’s Pottery Do?” is funny and a good read, but there are better options out there. Still I would recommend giving it a read if you have the time. Even more so, I would recommend looking up some of their work using the Web, as their live stuff is fun-nier than the book.

By Matthew OstergrenArts & Culture Editor “...you will find

that the urge to mate with your

fellow Teens will be strong – as strong as

a battering ram trying to pound open the doors to a beautiful

castle...

Gideon Lamb and Jeremiah Smallchild

What Would God’s Pottery Do?

New comedy pop-culture book promises to be ulti-mate guide to surviving teens or being successful

Three Rivers Press

A guide humorously examines and exagger-ates sterotypes of the Christian contempo-rary American teen

12 Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009the clackamas print

1 8 25 4 8 9

6 3 14 1 7

6 3 2 1 41 9 62 8 73 7 8 1

1 4 2

Last week’s sudoku answers

sudokuHow to play:Make sure the numbers 1-9 are in each box. At the same time, there must be the numbers 1-9 vertically and horizon-tally. All numbers must match up accordingly.

6 4 2 5 8 1 7 3 99 3 5 7 2 4 1 8 61 8 7 3 6 9 2 4 55 2 9 8 7 6 4 1 38 1 6 4 5 3 9 7 23 7 4 1 9 2 6 5 84 9 3 2 1 8 5 6 77 6 1 9 3 5 8 2 42 5 8 6 4 7 3 9 1

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aspirinbailbooksbuspasscablecarpaymentsdatesemergenciesentertainmentfeesfoodgashair

inkinsuranceinternetlatteslaundrynewclothespaperphonerenttuitiontunesutilities

where does all the money go?

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Most people don’t particularly like you – now is the best time to cry about it. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Due to the position of Mercury, you may discover this week that both your boss and the government are screwing you over financially – take this opportunity to light something expensive on fire. GEMINI (May 21-June 21): The stars say you have multiple personality disorder – this will likely lead you to discover that both you and your lover are having an affair with the same person. CANCER (June 22-July 22): Brush your teeth. LEO (July 23-August 22): Apparently Jupiter wants you to punch yourself in the face – I’d listen; it’s much bigger than you are. VIRGO (August 23-September 22): It’s important to remember this week that money isn’t everything – but hookers are. LIBRA (September 23-October 22): Your life is quite literally a joke – take pauses in your conver-sations to allow others time to laugh at you.

SCORPIO: (October 23 - November 21): Take this week to bask in the joys of laughter – primarily at other people’s expense. SAGGITARIUS (November 22-December 21): Because of the position of some random celestial body that you’ve never heard of, your week will be just plain awful – this can be corrected by wearing socks that don’t match and a mesh trucker hat from American Eagle. CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): The planet’s alignment makes it quite clear that healthy coping skills are overrated – drown your sorrows in ridiculous amounts of Scotch instead. AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): This week will look better and better each and every day – coming to an abrupt end when you are kidnapped by the family of orangutans from the Portland Zoo. PISCES (February 19-March 20): Take this week to remind yourself that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence – and that’s a dead giveaway as to where you hid the bodies.

the week in horoscopesBy Swami T. De Torquemada

Created by Roxanna MatthewsGED Proctor

dot game Draw one line at a time with your friends; whoever finishes a box puts their initial to claim it. Keep adding lines and finishing boxes, until you run out of dots.

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