Today’s edition of The Clackamas Print makes it obvi-ous something horribly inexpli-cable has infected the pages of this weekly publication. Print staff have reported events that may never be fully understood. The chaos started at a seemingly harmless journalism retreat in the rugged wilderness that is south of Milwaukie, Ore.

While the details are still vague, it seems pod people may have taken control of the Print staff, ultimately controlling these pages in a premeditated con-spiracy. The invasion of each and every section has subjected our readers to information typi-cally not meant for their eyes or even reality.

On Oct. 20 there was a dis-turbance in the air, a stale after-thought of something that once was. We all noticed it imme-diately upon settling in to our accommodations at the newly renovated Bate’s Lodge on the river.

“The door off the kitchen leads to creepy stairs down to the furnace,” said Editor Brittany Bell. “There’s something down there, I just know it.”

However when others opened the door, it led to nowhere.

“I don’t know what she’s talking about,” said Adviser Melissa Jones. “Everyone really needs to lay off the coffee.” Oblivious, Jones abandoned us and went home to the warmth and security of her family.

We were on edge.Around 1 a.m. on Oct. 21, we

noticed some strange happenings as the night grew old.

Self reversing paintings, rot-ten smells, sounds from non-exis-tent, creepy stairs and a groaning furnace combined with general uneasiness had us checking the locks on the doors.

Around 3 a.m., the paintings had returned to their original placement. Ad Manager Caylee Miller, being the only one in the room before we discovered this, responded to our stunned inquiries with a fiendish grin and a dark laugh that left us all unsettled as she murmured a good night. As the early morning hour ticked away and silence consumed our surrounds, ease did not come.

With hesitation everyone parted ways and slid alone and paranoid into their bunks. We Co-Chiefs triple checked the locks on the win-dows and doors.

After arriving at the Print lab on Monday, it was obvious we had entered the “Twilight Zone.” The first indication was the arrival of Production Manager James Duncan at the Print lab on time and pre-pared. This was unprecedented.

By Wed, Oct. 24, News Editor, Felicia Skriver confused her writers with multiple references to brains as we assigned stories for the issue you hold within your hands.

“In this political climate and with the brains we have on the table, we really have to use our brains,” said Skriver, “and, damn it, do some brainstorming and give me some good campaign brains – er, news.”

Her words were quickly drowned out by a chorus of growling stom-achs that had us all exchanging worried looks.

By Friday, we were getting not only weird reports of sightings

around campus, disturbances that couldn’t be explained, but multiple members of the Print staff were beginning to look worse for wear.

Editor Chris Taylor, who has the habit of bringing his lunch to class, arrived with a raw steak in hand.

“Eh, it’s what I was craving for some reason,” he said before digging in without the hindrance of cutlery. Even we can’t say we went unaffected.

“Precious, my Precious,” muttered Joshua Dillen on numerous occasions and Anna Axelson was caught in random fits of maniacal laughter. Editor Steven Weldon even began speaking with a flawless Romanian accent.

As articles began flooding in for editing, there was no lon-ger a doubt that something was seriously wrong. Yesterday, production day, under strange compulsion we were all obli-gated to put these stories on the page, battling with the moral and ethical implications of doing so as Sheb Wooley’s “Purple People Eater” streamed in the background over the speakers of our fabulous smart room.

Fear not dear readers, because as this issue was being sent to the printer and these words were written, the side effects had begun to fade, leaving us dazed, confused. Be assured that next week, we all will have recovered from our ordeal and will be back in fine form to serve our cher-ished readers with all your vital CCC news.

Until then, shhh... no one else needs to know about this minor indiscretion.

PrintClackamas

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e

Clackamas Community College, Oregon City, OR An independent, student run newspaper since 1966 www.TheClackamasPrint.com

Volume 46, Issue 4

They’ve arrived. The ones we’ve all been dreading ... zom-bies. Not only has Clackamas Community College flipped upside down, but students have been after other students. Almost everyone still alive has now taken to hiding in either the library in the Dye Learning Center, or has gathered in the gymnasium in Randall Hall.

Most students were frightened at first, but others have come rath-er prepared, such as Co-Editor-

in-Chief of The Clackamas Print, Joshua Dillen. He gathered the entire Print staff together; all terri-fied for their lives, he led them to a safe place near the entrance Roger Rook Hall. What he didn’t realize however, is that just around the corner five zombies were waiting to attack.

Each zombie group had a lead-er; this group’s leader was News Editor Felicia Skriver, who was turned shortly after the first ones hit CCC. She’s raging, never let-ting anything or anyone get in her way. Her group consisted of four more zombies – all Print staff: Andrew Millbrooke, Brian Steele,

Hannah Duckworth and myself, Emily Rask.

The first to spot this group was Melissa Jones, a frightened journal-ism teacher at CCC who was just teaching a newspaper production class when the zombie apocalypse began.

Before finding the zombies she was just walking around Roger Rook trying to find a place to hide out, but just as she turned another corner there they were, feasting on what seemed to be the remains of a now former CCC student. They immediately smelled her liv-ing human stench and looked up straight away.

Frozen from the shock of what she was witnessing, Jones stuttered at the thought of what she would have to do next.

Millbrooke looked up and ran toward Jones, hungry for some more human flesh. Jones bolted the other direction in hope of finding a room she could quickly lock herself into, but only found the elevator.

Hopping in, Jones quickly pressed the button for the next floor up and repeatedly smashed her fin-ger on the “close door” button. Just as the doors were sliding closed, Millbrooke got close enough to reach his arm in the remaining gap and prevent them from closing.

From there on, Millbrooke had his own feast.

When Millbrooke returned, Skriver started to prowl for more humans with her group. As we ran toward Barlow Hall, we saw a man limping over the yard. Photo Editor Brad Heineke seemed to have been bitten by a zombie and appeared to have no more feeling in his leg. We stopped and Heineke looked up immediately, but with his injured leg, all hope was lost as he too became a meal.

Sensing that there would be

Emily RaskAssociate News Editor

Before becoming alarmed at the human bodies and souls lost in the 102nd annual Medulla Oblongata Bowl, remember that the only humans to be used in the contest are pulled from the Lane Community College student population, reduc-ing the loss to society of any future great thinkers or solid citizens. This celebrated brain eating con-test, set to run this Friday is dubbed the longest running full brain and skull cracking contest west of the Mississippi River.

“We’re happy to be hosting all of the festivities this year,” said Oregon City head coach Bear Paterno, who is entering his 40th year helming the Cerebellum Slurpers. “We are in charge of the parade and fireworks show that run before and after the main event. We can’t be happier with the support from the local community.”

The Oregon City Cerebellum Slurpers have eaten brains on the same level with the Portland Protoplasmics for the past few sea-

sons, but have not broken through with a victory in head to head competition in this rivalry since 2002. Is this the year that the Cerebellum Slurpers break through to win the celebrated Medulla Oblongata Bowl trophy, or will the Protoplasmics take it down for an 11th straight season as they seem to thrive when the competition is toughest?

Let’s first discuss the rules, so that you know what is going to happen when the horn sounds on Friday afternoon. Each team has five competitors that match up one on one with someone from the opposing team. Whoever eats the most brains out of LCC student’s bodies in one minute wins the round and gives its team a point.

The first team to three points wins the game. That is why most teams put their best brain eaters in the early matches to get quick points and gain momentum.

Chopping up and then chewing all of the brain bits and juices is the preferred method because then you can make sure and get every last morsel.

Andrew MillbrookeSports Editor

Anna Axelson& Joshua Dillen

Co-Editors in Chief

Brain binge at Brain Bowl

Please see ZOMBIES, Page 5

Brad H

eineke The Clackam

as Print

Master masticators gather annually to chew the fat. Hall of Fame brain eater Harold “Choppy” Clompazowski chomps at the start of last year’s competition.

Please see BRAINS, Page 4

Zombies swarm campus, college overrun

Print : SightingsWednesday, Oct. 31, 20122

Editors

ProductionAssistants

Writers &Photographers

The Clackamas Print aims to report the news in an honest,

unbiased and professional manner. Content published in The Print is not screened or

subject to censorship.

Email comments,concerns or tips to

chiefed@clackamas.eduor call us at 503-594-6266.

19600 Molalla Ave.Oregon City, OR 97045

Journalism Adviser:Melissa Jones

melissaj@clackamas.edu

Co-Editor-in-Chiefs:Joshua Dillen & Anna Axelsonchiefed@clackamas.edu

Editor: Felicia SkriverAssociate: Emily Rasknewsed@clackamas.edu

Editor: Christopher TaylorAssociate: Luke Frankaced@clackamas.edu

Editor: Andrew MillbrookeAssociate: David Beasleysportsed@clackamas.edu

Editor: Steven WeldonAssociate: Brittany Bellcopyed@clackamas.edu

Photo Editor: Brad HeinekeAssociate: Brian Steelephotoed@clackamas.edu

Production Manager: James Duncanwebeditor@clackamas.edu

Ad ManagerCaylee Milleradmgr@clackamas.edu

Breanna CraineHannah Duckworth

Kelli LukeHeather MillsChris MorrowTaylor Oster

Robert Crombie Mandie GavittJonah HannettCaitlan HonerJanae Horsley

Kim IrvingKathleen KarpalSierra SmithShaylyn StrunaLucas Watson

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Visit us online atwww.TheClackamasPrint.com

TheClackamasPrint@ClackamasPrint

Since late last week, reports have been flying in about a hor-rifying new creature living in the Willamette River. Fish counts are dropping; boats have been capsized by random waves and strange underwater currents. The beasts shadow has been seen by a handful of people, but a few eye witnesses claim to have seen it – and more importantly – rec-ognize it.

It’s official. The Loch Ness Monster has moved to Oregon, and made its home in the Willamette River, which has caused quite the stir around town.

“I was out sailing on the river last night, having a nice, quiet party on my boat with some friends when the boat suddenly capsized,” said local teen Robert Bruce. “I was in a complete state of shock, but you can imagine my horror when I saw THE Loch Ness Monster swimming just past us. I nearly fainted.”

Rumor has it that Nessie – as she’s dearly referred to by believers – has moved here for the abundance of fish, and a nice place to hide in.

“It makes sense that she might come here,” said a local Sasquatch from Molalla. “It’s a place for the weird to feel welcome and at home. I know I do, and I’m sure she does too.”

It would seem so, seeing as in Scotland, people bother her all day, simply waiting for her to show herself so they can stake their claim and become famous. Talk about pressure.

“Take it from someone who’s been hunted for many years. It gets tiresome try-ing to hide, when all you want do is live free, you know?” continued the Sasquatch.

Regardless, P o r t l a n d Mayor Sam Adams says he will have none of her antics in his city.

“We’re trying to figure out how to deal with the issue at hand as best we can,” said Adams. “We’re looking into how it got here, and if possible, how to get it back to where it came from.”

Many animal rights activists, as well as Portland’s residents, have demanded that Adams leave Nessie alone.

“She has every right to be here,” said PETA member James Douglas. “We as humans have encroached on these creatures’ space, and have forced them into hiding. There aren’t many places for them left to hide, so why can’t we share?”

It would seem an interesting proposition, sure to bring tourists. But what about the fish? Nessie requires a lot of feeding, and that means a lot of fish.

“I don’t think we have the means to keep her fed for very

long,” said local Oregon salm-on fisherman Davey Jones.

“We have enough fish to feed ourselves, with all the laws in place, sure. But Nessie? She won’t pay attention to the law. We’ll be dry up in a week or two.”

So it would seem a dilemma is afoot – let Nessie stay and pos-sibly eat up our fish supply, which would more than likely cause her to move on? Or, do we find a way to send her back to where she came from?

There will be a meeting held at Pioneer Square at noon on Saturday, Nov. 3 to determine Nessie’s fate.

“I can only hope they’ll be fair to her,” said Bruce. “I’d hate to see her mistreated, whatever the outcome may be.”

It would seem apt, considering that – as far as we know – Nessie is the last of her kind. So whatever the end result, we

should try to preserve her for as long as possible. It’d be a shame to lose such an iconic monster as Nessie.

HAWOO! That sound that was heard from

miles away and no matter where you are your heart drops and your body is overcome with chills. Your ears echo with such a fierce sound that every time you think you want to move, you can’t; your body is frozen in the terror of what hunts ahead. It’s not just a dream anymore, Sunday night the community was forever changed.

Every student on campus received the following notification Monday morning via the Flash Alert system:

“The college is closed due to a huge spread of werewolves among the campus. ALL classes are cancelled and we ask for your safety to please stay indoors and DO NOT come to the college for any reason at all.”

The campus was swarmed with

werewolves. “I wasn’t sure if I was dream-

ing,” said Mary-Ann Daily, a freshman at CCC.

When the alert was sent out, several people stayed inside more scared then they had ever been in their lives, but many others rebelled. Students came to school in droves to view such an outland-ish event, drawing a larger crowd than would normally attend on a regular scheduled day.

When an extensive majority of the college’s popula-tion had arrived on campus, despite the fair warning to avoid it at all costs, campus security struggled to find a way to communicate with students before they were in emi-nent danger.

No one was sure why or even how the swarm of werewolves got to campus, but one thing was for sure; they could no longer stay.

“I came to campus to see what was going on because I couldn’t believe that something like this would happen, I had to see it for myself,” said the college’s all-star

tennis player Janet Briggs. Police and campus

security came head to head in multiple battles with the werewolves, and sadly, on one occasion the werewolf won.

John Mark, the man who was once head of campus security for CCC had lost a battle with one. Mark had been trying to save a seemingly brave student who was wandering aimlessly through the campus in hopes of finding a beast to capture a photo of, aspiring to be published in the college’s newspaper, The Clackamas Print.

Luckily the student survived, though his camera suffered the same fate as Mark.

“Their teeth sharper than ever and having to watch that horrible scene take place right in front of me was a nightmare,” said Allen Sigma, a third year returning student at the college.

Investigations revealed that there was a group of rabid teenagers spotted on CCC grounds Sunday evening. Word has it they

could potentially be the ones that began the outbreak of were-wolves. No one knows for sure who they really are when not in wolf form, or what they are fully capable of.

The Oregon City Police Department is asking all college students and faculty to steer clear of the college until further

information on their findings a rise. As there are no leads at this time, if you have any information on whom these creatures are by day please contact the OCPD.

“We are taking this investigation seriously, and at this time are just doing the very best we can to keep the community safe,” said Officer Blain Brooks.

Taylor OsterThe Clackamas Print

Christopher TaylorArts & Culture Editor

Nessie keeps Oregon City weird

A ravaged werewolf was spotted outside of the Nieymeyer Center on the CCC campus. Save yourselves before they come for you.

Felicia Skriver The C

lackamas Print

Werewolves cause another closure

claim and become famous. Talk about pressure.

“Take it from someone who’s been hunted for many years. It gets tiresome try-ing to hide, when all you want do is live free, you know?” continued the Sasquatch.

Regardless,

means to keep her fed for very

“We have enough fish to feed ourselves, with all the laws in place, sure. But Nessie? She won’t pay attention to the law. We’ll be dry up in a week or two.”

So it would seem a dilemma is afoot – let Nessie stay and pos-sibly eat up our fish supply, which would more than likely cause her to move on? Or, do we find a way to send her back to where she

The Loch Ness Monster was spotted in the Willamette River in Portland and close to the Arch Bridge in Oregon City. Fishermen have been warned to evacuate their boats and move to shore to stay out of her way.

Photo Illustration by B

rad Heineke The C

lackamas Print

Harold Haggart, the creator of the dome, comes back every Halloween to haunt the grounds of Clackamas Community College.

Print : Missing Persons Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2012 3

Susie Cue, age 9, was walk-ing by herself last Wednesday night when a dark figure report-edly tried to grab her at the corner of Tony and Stark.

“I was leaving the library at half past midnight, when sud-denly this stranger tried to grab me.” said Cue. “I didn’t see what they looked like, but who-ever they were said ‘I’ll get you my pretty!’ and then they were gone,”

Susie Cue, who has been living along Drury Lane, just half a block away from where the incident took place, says she no longer feels safe in her neighborhood. Her parents are convinced that her attacker is still at large.

“We’ve been getting strange letters,” said Dorothy Cue, Susie’s mother, “written back-wards on our bathroom mirror, sometimes carved into our front door. Whoever it is, they’re say-ing they’ll get our little dog, too. If things continue this way, I think we’re going to have to move.”

The Cues have only been living in their home a few short months, already they are sur-prised at the amount of super-natural activity that has been

happening in the neighborhood. “We’re definitely not in Kansas

anymore.” said Dorothy Cue. However, it wasn’t until the body of an elderly, unidentified female was found in the vicinity, that local authorities really started to get involved. The female in ques-tion was between the ages of 50 and 80 years old, had long, dark hair and based on the appearance of her clothes, was homeless.

Anybody who might be able to identify the woman is urged to come forward.

In the meantime, this incident has caused the police to do a back-ground check of all the residents who live there, and increase patrols in the neighborhood.

“All we can say now is that the cause of death was a large fall from a very great height, which would be fatal to any woman of any age,” said chief of police Jim Gordon. “The woman seemed to have been caught unaware. She still had a broom in her hand, which is a mystery because we think she was homeless. What was she sweeping? This was obviously murder.”

The background check on local residents has produced startling results. Within a one-mile radius, law officials found at least two unregistered vampires, one ghoul and at least three registered witches, the latter of which were all in viola-tion of their parole by being within one block of a school. Questioning of residents, however, also reveals

concerns about a so called Bigfoot – or Sasquatch living in the park. Remus Lupin, 41, a commu-nity member, is keeping a close eye on the situation. As a registered Werewolf, he wonders where the fingers are going to point next.

“It’s been difficult for me to keep a job as it is. Now that they’re talking about murder, things are getting more uncomfortable.” Said Lupin. “I know they’re going to look at me because of what I am, but honestly, it sounds to me like the work of The Muffin Man – which isn’t a reassuring thought. Whoever it is, I hope they catch them soon.” Lupin isn’t the only resident talking about The Muffin Man. If you aren’t acquainted with The Muffin Man, he was a notorious figure on Drury Lane in the late 80s.

“There’s no reason to suggest that The Muffin Man is behind it. He hasn’t been active in Drury Lane for more than 20 years,” said Gordon.

Recent reports, do however, point to activity centering around the old Keebler Place. Chief Gordon assures the public that the City Police is doing the best they can do resolve the matter, and that there is really very little to be concerned.

That being said, he advises all community members to please keep an eye out for any suspicious activ-ity, and to please follow basic safety precautions when walking at night. especially on Halloween.

Do not to talk to strangers, wear

a coat, don’t eat any suspicious looking candy, generally avoid dark looking places at night, and blow your nose into a tissue or napkin, not on your sleeve or the sleeve of a neighbor. Wear bright look-ing clothing. Be loud and travel in groups. Carry a flashlight with extra batteries.

“The most common mistake people make is in their own homes,” Gordon said. “Most people make the mistake of not turning on the light before they enter a room. I just can’t explain how dangerous this is. Unless the power is out, NEVER enter a dark room by yourself. And even then, make sure you have a flashlight, and that it’s turned on.” Parents are responsible for keep-

ing their children safe. Never let any children trick-or-treat unsupervised. Local citizens can do their part to help ensure everyone’s safety as well. Keep porch lights turned on for your local area trick-or-treaters this Halloween, and report any suspi-cious activity to the local authori-ties as soon as possible.

Any residents who may have any information on recent events are urged to report directly to Gordon, or the commissioner, Harvey Dent. A $2,000 reward is offered by the county for anyone with information leading to an arrest in these cases.

Heather MillsThe Clackamas Print

The gravel road tucked in the back of campus sits un-noticed all year long by travelers, until the fated night of Halloween when it sucks in unfortu-nate souls walking by. The road leads past the old Observatory that lurks above us all.

There have been reports within the years of people being drawn in, like insects to a light. Some say that culprit is the ghost Harold Haggart, the creator of the dome. He’s said to have come back from his grave and claims spirits from his watchtower. In the last 24 years that the dome has been on Clackamas soil, there have been many mysterious disappearances surround-ing the observatory.

“I know for a fact that creepy Observatory had something to do with Trevor’s disappearance,” said Tiffany Newton about her longtime friend Trevor Den. “During our Plant Harvest class he would randomly zone out towards the dome and mumble things under his breath. It was weird. He’d wander towards it while we would walk to the community gar-dens. It was hard to break him out the trance; I found myself yelling at him once or twice.”

Since its arrival in 1988,

Clackamas Community College has had constant rumors swirling that Haggart returns every Hallow’s Eve to collect souls. The unfortu-nates who have been drawn in to this scheme are said to be Haggart’s astrological slaves, roaming star to star. They return on Halloween to help Haggart do his bidding.

“There have been no definite links between the observatory, and the disappearances,” said Evan Shroud, senior assistant to the director of cam-pus safety. “The disappearances that you’re inquiring about have never actually been traced back to Haggart. You can ask the OCPD if you don’t believe me. It’s all a part of a big hoax to scare students.”

Shroud denies the connections in the cases; however students on cam-pus are becoming more aware of the looming Observatory. The only astrology class provided by CCC is now online, being that students are hesitant to register.

“The chill in the air made it hard

to breathe,” said Alex Gerald, a stu-dent here at CCC. “The oxygen lev-els in the air seemed to drop with every step I took.”

Gerald was taking the last astrolo-gy class offered before it went online. Around mid-terms the class visited the telescopes one late October day. Gerald and all the other students were heading back when suddenly he ended up back at the base of the stairs to the Haggart observatory without any memory of how he got there.

“I was just about to climb the stairs when I—well it looked like the shadow of a man...I was so scared it broke the weird trance I seemed to be in,” said Gerald “I honestly don’t run much, but I booked it out of there.” Gerald stated that he hasn’t walked past the road since that day.

Since the incident, fewer students have been willing to approach the tower. As tonight is Halloween, stu-dents of CCC are urged to take care and take caution when wandering campus after dark.

Ding Dong, the witch is gone

Observatory haven for Haggart hauntingFelicia Skriver

News Editor

Felicia Skriver The C

lackamas Print

Photo illustration by A

nna Axelson The C

lackamas Print

While the remains were too disfigured to secure a indentification, the wicked witch’s death raises many more questions than answers.

Print : ZOMBIESWednesday, Oct.31, 20124

No, there is nothing wrong with your death perception; zombies did indeed invade SE Portland on Saturday. As the intermittent rain beat down on hordes of undead walkers, they gathered into one big group in anticipa-tion of the 2012 Portland Zombie Walk.

The Portland Zombie Walk is a family friendly event and is open to any and all who want to show off their costumes, makeup and acting skills in order to join the legion of shambling, rotting and hungry masses that invade Portland every year. The weather may have been a little grey and a lot wet, but there were many hundreds if not thousands of people who braved this cold, wet day to

share all things zombie. The Portland Zombie Walk began in 2005

as a flash mob, where people would dress up as zombies and perform the famous Michael Jackson “Thriller” dance at Portland’s Pioneer Courthouse Square. From there the event evolved into a true community event with large masses of people gathering at a pre-designated place and ending at the Pioneer Courthouse Square where some of the zombies would then of course, do the “Thriller” dance.

Jim Cartwright was there with his daugh-ter Morgana Cartwright and nephew Jacob Cline in order to participate along with other die hard zombie lovers.

“It’s cool to see the other costumes,” said Jim Cartwright, Zombie Walk participant and die hard zombie enthusiast. “I love zombies.”

“They’re very cool,” quipped his daugh-ter Morgana Cartwright as she watched the costumed crowd pass by.

“The Storm Trooper is very cool,” added Jim Cartwright’s nephew Jacob Cline in ref-erence to one of the more creative costumes.

Last year’s Zombie Walk was a little different from years previous; the event was more organized and was headed up by Miranda Molea who took up the reigns from the previous organizer in 2009.

“The subject of moving the event to a dif-ferent month came up. I commented on the thread. I mentioned that it is a Halloween time tradition and should remain in the month of October,” said Molea about her involvement in the Zombie Walk. “I also mentioned all it would take is getting a per-mit and talking with the city.”

This is indeed what Molea and her part-

ner Hans Knecht did. Taking over the event, they created a non-profit called Mirandom Knechtions in order pay for the necessary permits and insurance to make this event an official part of the Portland scene. Just as important was to make sure that the walkers are safe while having fun at the same time.

“Having permits means more peo-ple feel safe and are more likely to attend our event,” said Molea.

This year’s Zombie Walk started with all of the undead meeting up at SE Main and Water Street at a parking lot with a retired fire truck, a Voodoo Doughnuts truck and Tamale Boy. Zombies, slow walkers and fast walkers got together to mingle a bit

Beware; the

Centuries of rivalry fi nally put to rest; ‘howling’ good time to ensue

From bites and scratches to trick-ery and wars, the long-standing rival-ry between the Tualatin Werewolves and the Beaverton Zombies has had a tumultuous history. But this century’s generation of monsters is deciding to flip a coin for sides of the field, rather than shake hands before a battle

In an effort to combine friend-ship with some good old-fashioned rivalry, the leaders are finishing up preparations for their first annual capture-the-flag game. The head of the Zombies’ For Love Association, Elijah Braineater, says that the idea for the capture-the-flag game came about when he and the head of the Werewolves’ For Peace Community, Sean Furface, decided that two centuries of killing each other was enough.

“It was just getting ridiculous,”

said Braineater. “The majority of the communities in the last two or three generations haven’t even known why we were rivals in the first place. And as the great-great-great-great-grandsons of the monsters that start-ed it in the first place, we figured our kin would listen to us.”

Part of the preparation for the game in both communities has been to make sure that this generation knows why they’re fighting, with a history class put in place as part of the training requirements.

“The rivalry wasn’t even that big of a deal when it first got started,” says Liv Longfang, the head of the Werewolf Games Committee. “It was just a couple of kid monsters who had a beef with each other. But they both had so much pride, that it quickly turned into something no one could control.”

It all started with a girl, a young and innocent human who lived in the small town that the monster com-munities surrounded. The monsters that started it all, Ian Braineater and

As the Mayan calendar comes to an end, Clackamas Community College students are rushing to prepare for the inevitable zombie apoca-lypse of 2013. So here at The Clackamas Print, we decided to ask a very important ques-tion: Where would be the safest place at CCC to hide during this zombie apocalypse? We asked a random sampling of 30 students their opinions and the results were scattered.

“Definitely the weight room

in Randall,” said student Niko Hughes. “You would have a bunch of weapons.”

Katherine Suydam, however, disagreed.

“Places to avoid: Randall hall, Community Center, Roger Rook. If zombies frequent places that they did when they were alive, these would be fraught with flesh eating undead persons.” In the end, Suydam decided on the Astronomy Tower, which is included in the “Other” category.

Cynthia Tinker and Destini White chose McLoughlin, how-ever, for different reasons. White decided to go with the bookstore, while Tinker chose the costume vault.

“There are concrete walls and no windows,” said Tinker, “and if all else fails and they do get in, I’m sure you can find a costume to fit in with them.”

Overall, 23 percent of stu-dents chose Randall, for reasons such as the weight room and the gym. Niemeyer and McLoughlin tied with 14 percent, followed by Roger Rook with 13 percent and the Community Center and the “Other” Category, both with 10 percent. All of the other building included only received one vote, and anything not included had no votes. But remember, it’s not too late to prepare for the end. Good luck to all of those who survive this December!

Kelli LukeThe Clackamas Print

Surviving on campus

Hannah DuckworthThe Clackamas Print

Luke FrankAssociate Arts & Culture

Print : ZOMBIES Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2012 5

before they headed off to OMSI for the “Thrill the World” dance. This dance is choreographed to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and

was headed up by a Michael Jackson impersonator whose moves impressed many in the crowd.

After the “Thriller” dance was over, the undead sloughed

down the sidewalk slowly, groaning and moaning for brains as they were set

upon by “survivors.” These self described survivors are the lucky or skilled few indi-viduals who survived the zombie holocaust by whatever means necessary. Some of them were fortunate enough to be immune to the virus that created the zombies in the first place; some of them were skilled enough to

be in the right place at the right time. Some of the survivors even banded together and created zombie proof vehicles allowing them to roam from town to town fairly safely. This is where I found myself.

At first, the walking dead ignored the survivors, but after many of the undead were killed, the walkers started focusing their attention on the people killing them. In a sur-real and frightening display of intelligence the walking undead masses surrounded our zombie proof buses, killing off some of the survivors before they could put up much of a defense.

As the bus escaped the mayhem, the zom-bies screamed in such a way as it seemed as though they were promising revenge for the second deaths of their fellow undead.

“I like being a survivor,” said Max Lovely regarding the mayhem going on

around him just after he hopped on the bus narrowly evading a slow and horrible death. “I like getting all this ghetto gladiator gear together.”

Another survivor told of her narrow escape when death was so close.

“All that matters is that I’m still alive and can kill as many of the bastards I can,” said the girl I tagged as “Angel” since she claimed her name no longer mattered.

I pressed her on how she escaped when she should surely be dead.

“It was so close, I was surrounded when suddenly they [the undead] all turned around as one and left me there, I don’t know what happened,” said Angel.

Before I could inquire further, Angel started frothing at the mouth and flung her arms wildly around in a tortured display. Everyone on the bus knew what the end

would be, the death of us all. We could have survived the outside world in this metal tube on wheels, but if one of us was bit, it was over for us all.

The screaming at the back of the bus was getting louder and the gunshots were deaf-ening in this small space. I know now that I only have a few seconds left to live. I love you Emi, Tristan and Jess; may God have mercy on us all.

Note: This article was found scrawled within a blood spattered notebook found by survivors three days after it was assumed to have been written during the 2012 Portland Zombie Walk event that will go down in history as the most vicious on record. The remaining Print staff sends our condolences to the reporter’s family and loved ones.

Centuries of rivalry fi nally put to rest; ‘howling’ good time to ensue“The rivalry wasn’t even that big

of a deal when it first got started,” says Liv Longfang, the head of the Werewolf Games Committee. “It was just a couple of kid monsters who had a beef with each other. But they both had so much pride, that it quickly turned into something no one could control.”

It all started with a girl, a young and innocent human who lived in the small town that the monster com-munities surrounded. The monsters that started it all, Ian Braineater and

Christopher Furface both wanted to infect the girl into their own kind.

They realized they were both on her trail when they accidently bumped into each other as they were both following her home. They start-ed fist-fighting, and though they ran away when the battle was over, the war had just begun.

As the heads of their respective communities, Elijah and Sean pre-sented this idea of inter-community peace on May 5, 2010. It’s been a long two and a half years, but the

idea that these two monsters birthed in a bar is finally becoming a reality.

“It’s just so awesome to get to see this come this far, ya know,” said Furface. “When we first started talk-ing to individuals and communities, we knew it was going to be hard, but I think our dedication and passion went a long way to win everyone over.”

The game of capture-the-flag is to be held on the Clackamas Community College campus, the date is still yet to be finalized. The

campus is a neutral territory, so nei-ther group will have a home-field advantage. The grounds are large, they include fields, wooded areas, and buildings; perfect for diverse cover to attack and defend.

There’s no need to worry though, this is still about a good old-fash-ioned game. While it is intended that it will be a slightly rougher version of this classic schoolyard game, it’s still a game, and there is no intention of anyone getting seriously injured.

ZOMBIES: terrorize collegeSensing that there would be

more students in Barlow Hall just by the human smell that seemed to be coming mainly from that building, we made our way inside.

We were right. As soon as we got in the building, we saw Copy Editor Steven Weldon, hiding out behind a chair, and little did he know that within seconds, he’d be running for his life.

Skriver was the first to run after Weldon, but just moments later, Duckworth had outrun Skriver and pounced. Weldon’s last effort was to yell and alert the others who were waiting just around the corner.

Arts & Culture writer Breanna Craine must have heard the yell because her frightened scream gave us zombies a very clear idea of where they all were.

Dillen quickly demanded his group of still living staff to run towards the cafeteria. They all followed the order and ran as fast as they can, but Steele had cornered a poor Chris Taylor, the Print’s A&C editor, so that he could not run any further.

“Farwell dear world,” screamed Taylor in a final goodbye before he turned to face his doom.

Our zombie group then chased after the breathers and cornered them into the cafete-ria back room where they had nowhere else to turn.

Only four staff members were left: Dillen, Craine, Luke Frank and Caylee Miller. Nobody knew where the rest of The Clackamas Print staff had gone off to, or if they were even alive and well.

The four remaining backed into a corner where all they could see was us coming straight toward them. As if

they were just about to lose their lives they scream, but within in an instance came a sudden break in the ceiling and the whole roof toppled down on top of us, leaving our dinner to get away.

The Print staff was free to go! They ran out of the rubble and towards the entrance of the college in hope to find help or at least figure that their best bet is to reach a safe place and wait for the apoca-lypse to come to an end, if it ever will.

While we are still digging ourselves out of the rubble, hope goes out to some of those who haven’t been found yet: James Duncan, Anna Axelson, Brittany Bell, Kelli Luke, David Beasley, Heather Mills, Chris Morrow, Lucas Watson, Taylor Oster and Kimberly Irving. We are still looking; they are bound to be tasty.

Continued from Page 1

Are coming

Brad H

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Luke Frank The Clackam

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6

If you leave too much of the brain behind, you can be flagged for excessive leftover brain matter and disqualified from the game. The officials weigh the remaining pieces and determine if the contestant left too much of the brain goop on the plate. If there is more than 10 ounces left, the contestant is disqualified.

“Brain eating is not for everyone,” said Hall of Fame brain eater and former star for the Cerebellum Slurpers and Protoplasmics, Harold “Choppy” Clompazowski. “But for me, and most of these guys, it’s a lifestyle. Eating brains and bits of brain matter is what we live for.”

Igor Fortuneski has been the most successful brain eater this season for Oregon City and is clearly making a name for himself on the national circuit. Fortuneski cleanly removes the brains and eats them in one fluid motion, often getting up to seven or eight brains down in the one-minute time period.

“Igor has really stepped up this year,” said Paterno. “He goes straight in through the temple with an ice pick, allowing him to crack open the skull quickly and he’s able to break apart and chew through that brain matter quicker than most.”

It takes a lot of strength to pry the ice pick through a temple and then crack open a human skull. It amazes me that these guys have so much athleticism and skill, combined with that unbelievable strength. They also possess great dexter-ity with a paint scraper like tool, which cleans the inside of the skull of remaining brain matter.

Fortuneski leads the league with an average of 6.7 BEPM (brains eaten per minute), a testament to his punishing work ethic. Fortuneski does not have an easy road to victory in his matchup, as the Protoplasmics counter with Gary ‘the Ganglia’Grenociagogo, known for eating spinal cords just for fun.

“I’m not going to show off and try to do more than I need to,” said Grenociagogo. “It’s all business this year, trying to get the victory for my team. I’m going to buckle down and chow down as much brain as my body can take in 60 sec-onds.”

Grenociagogo splits the skull with an axe, which can get messy, but he has it down to a science, precisely striking each skull so that he can get to the brain quickly.

It may not be as clean as Fortuneski’s temple entry, but when the Ganglia is on his game with clean axe strikes he can get at least eight brains down into his belly in the one-minute time slot. Grenociagogo is second in the league with 6.5 BEPM.

“I like our chances on game day,” said Protoplasmics head coach Kip Chelly. “We have better depth. There is lots of young brain eating talent in the Portland area and we have scooped them up onto our team.”

Conservationist Note: After the brains are eaten out of the bodies, the rest of the bod-ies are donated to flesh eat-ing zombies that cannot afford their own flesh. It is a great way for this event to provide for the less fortunate in the community.

Print : Food & EntertainmentWednesday, Oct. 31, 2012

StaffThe Clackamas

Print

Eat, Print, Love

DevilishlyDelish

Can you brave the brains? Are you up for insanity? Do you crave terror from the food you eat? These psychotic and twist-ed concoctions are sure to sat-isfy the freaky foodie you know is deep down inside you. Clever cuisine is what Eat, Print, Love strives to bring our readers. This collection of culinary craziness is sure to bring the boo to your festivities this Halloween.

Bug-aliciousness begins EPL’s journey into a world of crafty confusion and devilishly delish delights . Pumpkin love is combined with crawly things to introduce a new kind of terror filled eating adventure.

PumpkinCream Cheese Dip

(or Creature Dip - with the addition of your favorite frightening gummies)

2 cups powdered sugar1 cup (8 oz) cream cheese

2 cups (16 oz) canned pumpkin1 Tbsp cinnamon

1 Tbsp pumpkin pie spice1 Tbsp frozen orange juice con-

centrate1/2 cup of your favorite gummy

creatures (optional)

Combine dry ingredients, mix with softened cream cheese. Stir in pumpkin and chill.

Spread this divine dip on carrot cake or zucchini bread, scoop with your favorite dipper, or ice cookies with EPL’s new-est version of pumpkin love. Whether it’s combined with pretzel sticks or sugar cookies, this treat is sure to please your holiday taste buds.

Now that pumpkin love has gotten a bug-alicious makeover, lets add some body parts to EPL’s bag ‘o Halloween tricks with an icy treat that will be looking at ya. Literally.

Eyeball Ice CubesOne 12 oz can of lychee fruit,

drained12 to 18 large blueberries or

cranberries

Sweet lychee fruit and tart cranberries or tasty blueber-ries are all it takes to give your favorite holiday beverages an eyeful of spirit as they watch you with fruity stares. These frozen “eyeballs” will delight your guests and add spooky charm to any Halloween get together.

A can of lychees generally has about 12 to 18 lychee fruits. Place one lychee into each parti-tion of two ice cube trays with the hole side facing up. Place your berry of choice (you don’t have to limit yourself to blue or cran, black or razz will work as well) into the hole of each lychee fruit.

Fill the trays carefully with water and freeze. Little effort equals loads of fun! For large parties, EPL recommends get-ting enough ingredients and dif-ferent berries to have a variety of “eyeball” colors and plenty of these visionary ice cubes on hand for maximum beverage enjoyment. You have to try this to believe how easy it is to glam up your glass. Enjoy!

Still haven’t had your fill of spine tingling delicacies? Drag your rotting corpse over to the Clackamas Print website where EPL has included a few more recipes for your ghoulishly gas-tronomic senses; classics includ-ing MacBrainy and Ooze, Bloody Hand Sandwiches and Bloody Broken Glass Cupcakes. Check back next week for Eat, Print, Love! Send suggestions and comments to our Facebook (theclackamas-print) or Twitter (@clackamas-print) using the hashtag #eat-printlove.

Monsters Taking Over, a local band born and raised in Portland has released their new album with a bang. In an effort to get to know the beast-like band, I had to get a close encounter with the creatures from our closets. Igor Thunder, lead singer, has been singing since he was a little monster.

The Clackamas Print: What made you want to create the first ever band of monsters?

Igor Thunder: I was tired of being a henchman and wanted to make my own band. I used pieces from all my favorite musi-cians.

TCP: What is the story behind Monsters Taking Over?

IT: I think that is pretty obvious. We are using the band to raise enough money to make monsters to take over the world.

TCP: Wait… take over the world? Why would you want to do that? IT: Seemed like a logical next step after creating a hoard of monsters. T C P : U m … o k a y . Should we be worried? IT: Nah, as long as you humans are compli-ant, we’ll get along just fine. TCP: Well then, how long have you guys been plotting – er, playing together?

IT: We have been together for about five years but we have all known each other for our whole lives. Our families had had their own band when they were our age and they taught us every-thing we know today about being the best.

I also interviewed the main drummer, a werewolf named Little Wolf. He has been

playing the drums since he became a werewolf about 100 years ago. His name is deceiving, because he is actually the biggest monster in the whole band.

The Clackamas Print: How does it make you feel that peo-ple are always running away from you instead of praising you for being the best werewolf drummer ever?

Little Wolf: I have always been made fun of since I was a little kid. In middle school, all the teachers would make me sit in the way back corner of the room because they were scared that I was going to attack them.

TCP: What is one thing that people don’t know about you but should?

LW: Even though I am really big and of course, a werewolf, I am the sweetest guy around. I am just a big teddy bear but people never see that. People think I am mean like all the werewolves in “Twilight.” That movie ruined my image. They also made it seem like vampires and were-wolves hate each other – which is not true. My best friend is Edward Night and he is the bad-dest vampire around.

Monsters Taking Over has a tour going on right now. They stopped in Portland for a show last week and I got to experi-ence the coolest concert I have ever been to. The concert was at the Rose Quarter, and tickets sold out in within ten minutes after being available. Fans came in droves and howled like Little Wolf.

Additionally, there was a guest appearance by Kanye West. However, West played only a few songs before being booed off stage with calls for the main attraction. Check out their website for upcoming tour dates and locations.

Monster band a smash hit

BRAINS: Eaters ready for bowl game

Breanna CraineThe Clackamas Print

Local Portland band Monsters Taking Over is shown rocking out at the Rose Garden last weekend. The band achieves life long dream of raising awareness for monsters everywhere.

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Print : Sports Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2012 7

For thousands of years, the Pacific Northwest has been the home of stories about giant-like creatures roaming our lush forests. Although these myths have been around since humans first settled in the region, the first known written record-ing of these creatures was by Leif Erikson in 986 A.D. He described the creature he saw as “horribly ugly, hairy, swar-thy and with big black eyes.”

The term “Bigfoot” came into play in 1958 and has passed the test of time. To this day, Bigfoot sightings are a day-to-day thing for the people of the Pacific Northwest, but surprisingly for the student and staff of Clackamas Community College, these sightings are about to get tremendously more frequent.

Standing over 8-feet-tall and weighing over 300 pounds, Sasquatcha, or Sas as she pre-fers to be called, has decided to come out of hiding once and for all. After living in Mary S. Young State Park in West Linn for 19 years with her family, who requested to stay anonymous, Sas made her first public appearance at West Linn High School last Monday to announce her existence.

Her unnatural size, man-nish, hairy exterior and size 21 feet were startling to students, to say the least.

“We kept waiting for some-one to jump out and tell us it was a joke,” said student Timothy Jones. “It was com-pletely unbelievable.”

So why now? After thou-sands of years of her species hiding from humanity, why did Sas choose to give up on all their hard work by revealing herself to the public? When asked this, Sas took no time at all to reply.

“It was for the love of my life: soccer,” said Sas.

After being referred to CCC by a WLHS faculty member, Sas contacted CCC’s Athletic Department and set up an appointment to meet with the head coach of the women’s soccer team.

“I told her about how I had spent my life watching kids play soccer from a distance, but never got the chance to be on a team because of what I am,” said Sas. “Stealing balls that had been kicked into the bushes and practicing with my siblings just became too little. I needed to play for real.”

Of course, Clackamas accepted Sasquatcha with open arms. Her touching story was one thing, but what really won over the coaches was her tal-ent. The coaches and play-

ers were speechless when she practiced with them for the first time.

“You wouldn’t expect some-one of her size to be as talented as she is,” said CCC soccer fan, Austin Davies. “But with-out a doubt, that girl knows how to play.”

Sas says that she learned everything from watching oth-ers, and perfected it simply by

having a lot of free time to do so.

“When your life is noth-ing but a myth to others, you have to find something to keep you going. For me, soccer was that thing, and continues to be.” Sasquatcha hopes that her coming out will help mythical creatures take the leap out of the shadows once and for all.

Her dream is to someday

create a mythical creature Olympics for all of her kind and others to compete in the sports they love without being judged for their differences. In the meantime, Sas plans to continue to play for CCC and not only improve her soccer skills, but study anything that might help her achieve her ultimate life goal.

Bigfoot fi nds solace in soccer,wows local team and coach

Corban University now issues a new iPadto students enrolling in their bachelor’sdegree completion programs.

Get ahead without leavingyour faith behind…now witha new iPad.

Corban University offers these affordable programs online or on campus:

Bachelor in Psychology: Family Studies

Bachelor in Business: Organizational Leadership

Bachelor in Business: Healthcare Administration

The new iPad comes loaded with everything you’ll need, no more heavy text books!

To take advantage of this great offer, call 1-800-764-1383or check us out online at www.corban.edu/cougars

Kelli LukeThe Clackamas Print

Photo illustration by A

nna Axelson The C

lackamas Print

The biggest toes to touch a soccer ball on Oregon City soil, Sas shows fancy footwork at OC High School Jackson Campus field where she has consistently wowed fans since she joined the team.

Print : Self-HelpWednesday, Oct. 31, 20128

Pastor Simon Garfunkle Belmont, 46, is the executive direc-tor of the “Whip The Vamp Out” Ministry and Retreat, located in Oregon City. He is a member of the Brotherhood of Light church and proclaims that with “the power of religion,” the undead can fight their bloodlust, rid themselves of all vampiric tendencies and even-tually “become normal, functional members of society.”

“Vampires aren’t born, they’re persuaded or forced into that unlife-style by other vampires. With the right motivation they can change just like any drug addict,” said Belmont. “Their so-called ‘need’ for blood to continue their unholy

unlives is completely all in their heads. I’m just doing my part as a holy man to bring them back to the light and the truth, any way that I can.”

Alucard Tepes, who is 1,632 years old, was enrolled in the facil-ity by his adoptive parents after a fellow member of his youth group accused him of trying to ‘glamour’ him. Tepes describes the activities that routinely take place during the retreats.

“At five in the morning they drag us out into the gymnasium under bright lights, like the kind at baseball fields, then the staff pull out Bibles on ropes, whirling them around in circles like an aboriginal bull-roarer and hitting as many of us as they can with them,” said Tepes.

“Then come the ‘trust’ exer-cises. They stand us in front of a

living person and press our faces against their necks, deliberately trying to entice us to bite, then those fangteasers pull us away and start flogging us with their whips until we cry bloody tears, or pour bottles of holy water out onto our heads!” He said. “It sucks here, I want to go home and watch True Blood,”

Joachim Armster, who is rumored to be more than 2,000 years old, is one of many ancient as well as newly turned vampires attending the retreat willingly. He has hopes of making a genuine transition to a more socially accept-able existence.

“I am tired of being treated like a monster. Whatever it takes to become human again, I will do it,” said Armster. “I don’t mind doing what Simon says. I miss my friends and family and I want to be able to

see them again and be with them the way I could before, before they found out what I am.”

Several ex-participants in “Whip The Vamp Out” have come forth with allegations that Belmont and other members of his staff are guilty of improper conduct.

“Mr. Belmont asked that I come to his office, alone. When I got there, he locked the door, pulled down his clerical collar and asked me if I wanted ‘a taste,’ when I said that I did not, he called me a liar and threw a dagger that was on his desk at me then told me to get out,” said a source who wishes to remain anonymous.

Belmont vehemently denies the allegations.

“I’m a man of purity and chas-tity, a good-hearted man who is being vilified for telling the truth and trying to help these tortured souls change,” he said. “I’m not surprised there are those who are angry about it, and would try to slander me.”

This isn’t the first time con-troversy has befallen Belmont. Elizabeth Bartley, a 1,423 year old vampire, who attended the retreat last summer, was stabbed through the heart with a wooden stake by John Morris, a member of Belmont’s staff and a personal associate.

Bartley’s adoptive mother, Hazel Bartley, has begun legal proceedings to file a wrongful death suit against Belmont and his staff. She explained through a cascade of tears what her daughter had gone through.

“I wanted to help Eliza, not have her murdered,” said Bartley. “This so-called holy man trains murderers and sadists. They killed my Eliza like she was nothing more than an enemy character in a damn video game!”

Bartley has started a support group for Parents of Vampires and is attempting to push for legislation that would require organizations such as Whip The Vamp Out to have security cameras that would monitor activity by staff and par-ticipants alike, something Belmont is vehemently against— referring to it as an “invasion of privacy” and a “conspiracy by the vampire sympathizers.”

“Why does the government need to know what goes on in my buildings? This is all the fault of President Osama Tezuka or what-ever his blasted name is! Ever since he started talking about giv-ing protections to vampires and making laws against ‘hate speech,’ people like me have been hav-ing a harder and harder time, it’s getting to be so a guy can’t even perform an exorcism anymore!” said Belmont.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to not be a predator anymore? To not drink anyone’s blood? Have centuries of habit gotten you to a point where you can’t stand looking in the mirror? Look no further; your salvation is at hand. V.A. – Vampires Anonymous – meetings have officially found a home on campus. Your path to rehab starts now.

“I founded this group with the intention of helping others overcome the issues I’ve experi-enced after 1,000 years of being a creature of not only the night, but of habit,” said group found-er and Senior Chairman Carlyle

VanderGlide. “I couldn’t stand who – no, what – I’d become, and it was time to change for the better. Murder takes its toll on your soul.”

The core function of the group is to help other vampires overcome their habitual dietary needs and substitute them with a healthy alternative, while provid-ing a mutual support group to help them through the rough tran-sitions and hold them account-able.

“I had decided enough was enough. I’d gotten to the point where I had forsaken even the bonds of family and liter-ally drained my cousin at our family reunion,” said Samuel Fredrickson, group veteran and success story. “Talk about a seri-ous fiasco amongst my family.”

Fredrickson joined the group right after these events and has

been clean for the past two years. But the path hasn’t been easy. There were tense moments, ill-ness from withdrawals and close calls with relapses.

“There were times where I went through serious withdraw-als and once or twice came close to sinking my teeth into a fresh, pulsing neck. But then I remem-bered that I made an oath to abstain, and I had good friends to hold me accountable,” said Fredrickson. “It’s the best feeling in the world to know there are those to support you.”

Unfortunately, not all mem-bers are as strong or as far along as Fredrickson. For instance, new group member Scarlett-Rose Wilder has only been in the pro-gram for two weeks and has been feeling the effects to the point of where she declined an in person interview, so as to avoid tempta-

tion. “My thirst has set

my insides on fire,” stated Wilder in an email. “But after I killed my seventh husband due to my unquenchable thirst, I decided I’d had enough and need to change if I ever want to be happy for the rest of eternity.”

Indeed, many vampires have endured countless trials and more than their fair share of sorrows. They’ve had no way to end it other than finding the nearest hunter and begging or prompting them to end their suffering.

“These are not desirable out-comes,” said VanderGilde. “Our goal is to assess the situation, for-mulate a plan to help you achieve your goals, and then help you

stick to them.” So if you are a vampire on the

run, in hiding and are in need of rehab, you are cordially invited attend the once a week meet-ings in McLoughlin Hall at the moon’s peak. Bring your friends, bring some food and enjoy the company of your fellow addicts. Please don’t bring your mortal friends, or they may become the entree.

Ex-vampire ministry courts controversy

Christopher TaylorArts & Culture Editor

Chris MorrowThe Clackamas Print

Executive director of the “Whip the Vamp Out” Ministry and Retreat, Pastor Simon Garfunkle Belmont delivers a fiery sermon. He works hard to change his audience’s very nature in the hopes of releasing normal human citizens from their demented vampiric souls.

Photo illustration by B

rian Steele The C

lackamas Print

Illustration by Brian S

teele The Clackam

as Print

For those who bloody suck at quitting