volue 3 clarissa
TRANSCRIPT
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CLARISSAHARLOWE
orthe
HISTORYOFAYOUNGLADY
BySamuelRichardson
NineVolumes
VolumeIII.
LETTERSOFVOLUMEIII
LETTERI.MissHowetoClarissa.--Isastonished,confounded,aghast.RepeatsheradvicetomarryLovelace.
LETTERII.ClarissatoMissHowe.--Givesaparticularaccountofher
meetingLovelace;ofhervehementcontentionwithhim;and,atlast,ofherbeingterrifiedoutofherpredeterminedresolution,andtrickedaway.Hergriefandcompunctionofheartuponit.Laysalltothefaultofcorrespondingwithhimatfirstagainstpaternalprohibition.Isincensedagainsthimforhisartfuldealingswithher,andforhisselfishlove.
LETTERIII.Mr.LovelacetoJosephLeman.--AletterwhichlaysopenthewholeofhiscontrivancetogetoffClarissa.
LETTERIV.JosephLeman.Inanswer.
LETTERV.LovelacetoBelford.--Inecstasyonthesuccessofhis
contrivances.WellashelovesClarissa,hewouldshowhernomercy,ifhethoughtshepreferredanymanlivingtohim.WillreligiouslyobservetheINJUNCTIONSshelaiduponhimprevioustotheirmeeting.
LETTERVI.ClarissatoMissHowe.--ArecriminatingconversationbetweenherandLovelace.Heremindsherofherinjunctions;and,insteadofbeseechinghertodispensewiththem,promisesasacredregardtothem.Itisnot,therefore,inherpower,shetellsMissHowe,totakeheradviceastospeedymarriage.[Anoteontheplace,justifyingherconduct.]IsattendedbyMrs.Greme,LordM.'shousekeeperatTheLawn,whowaitsonhertohersisterSorlings,withwhomsheconsentstolodge.Hislooksoffendher.Haswrittentohersisterforherclothes.
LETTERVII.LovelacetoBelford.--Givesbrieflytheparticularsofhissuccess.Describesherpersonanddressonherfirstmeetinghim.Extravagantexultation.MakesBelfordquestionhimonthehonourofhisdesignsbyher:andanswersdoubtfully.
LETTERVIII.MissHowetoClarissa.--Hersentimentsonhernarrative.Hermother,attheinstigationofAntonyHarlowe,forbidstheircorrespondence.Mr.Hickman'szealtoservetheminit.Whatherfamilynowpretend,ifshehadnotleftthem.Howtheytookhersupposedprojectedflight.Offershermoneyandclothes.Wouldhaveherseemto
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placesomelittleconfidenceinLovelace.Herbrotherandsisterwillnotpermitherfatherandunclestocool.
LETTERIX.X.ClarissatoMissHowe.--Adviseshertoobeyhermother,whoprohibitstheircorrespondence.Declinestoacceptheroffersofmoney:andwhy.Mr.Lovelacenotapoliteman.Shewillbeasreadytoplaceaconfidenceinhim,ashewillbetodeserveit.Yettrickedawaybyhimasshewas,cannotimmediatelytreathimwithgreatcomplaisance.Blamesherforherlivelinesstohermother.Enclosesthecopyofherlettertohersister.
LETTERXI.LovelacetoBelford.--Prideshimselfinhisartsintheconversationsbetweenthem.Isalarmedatthesuperiorityofhertalents.Considersoppositionandresistanceasachallengetodohisworst.HisartfulproceedingswithJosephLeman.
LETTERXII.Fromthesame.--Menneedonlybeknowntoberakes,hesays,torecommendthemselvestothefavourofthesex.WishesMissHowewerenotsowellacquaintedwithClarissa:andwhy.
LETTERXIII.Fromthesame.--IntendstosetoldAntonyatMrs.Howe,topreventthecorrespondencebetweenthetwoyoungladies.Girl,notgold,hispredominantpassion.RalliesBelfordonhispersonandappearance.TakeshumourousnoticeofthetwodaughtersofthewidowSorlings.
LETTERXIV.Fromthesame.--FarthertriumphsovertheHarlowes.Similitudeofthespiderandfly.Isforhavingseparatechurchesaswellasseparateboarding-schoolsforthesexes.Thewomenoughttolovehim,hesays:andwhy.Prideshimselfthattheydo.
LETTERXV.ClarissatoMissHowe.--ParticularsofanangryconferencewithLovelace.Seeinghersincerelydispleased,hebegstheceremonymayimmediatelypass.Heconstruesherbashfulsilenceintoanger,andvowsasacredregardtoherinjunctions.
LETTERXVI.XVII.XVIII.LovelacetoBelford.--Thepleasureofadifficultchace.Triumphsinthedistressandperplexityhegaveherby
hisartfulandparadingofferofmarriage.Hisreasonsforandagainstdoingherjustice.Resolvestotryhertotheutmost.Thehonourofthewholesexconcernedintheissueofhertrial.Matrimony,hesees,isinhispower,nowsheis.
LETTERXIX.MissHowetoClarissa.--Willnotobeyhermotherinherprohibitionoftheircorrespondence:andwhy.Ischarmedwithherspirit.
LETTERXX.ClarissatoMissHowe.--KnowsnotwhatshecandowithLovelace.Hemaythankhimselfforthetroublehehashadonheraccount.Didsheever,sheasks,makehimanypromises?Didsheeverreceivehimasalover?
LETTERXXI.XXII.Fromthesame.--ShecallsuponLovelacetogiveherafaithfulaccountofthenoiseandvoicessheheardatthegarden-door,whichfrightenedherawaywithhim.Hisconfession,anddaringhintsinrelationtoSolmes,andherbrother,andBettyBarnes.Sheisterrified.
LETTERXXIII.LovelacetoBelford.--RejoicesinthestupidityoftheHarlowes.Exultsinhiscapacityformischief.Thecondescensionstowhichheintendstobringthelady.Libertineobservationstothedisadvantageofwomen;whichmayserveascautionstothesex.
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LETTERXXIV.ClarissatoMissHowe.--AconversationwithMr.Lovelacewhollyagreeable.Hispromisesofreformation.Sheremembers,tohisadvantage,hisgenerositytohisRosebudandhistenants.WritestoherauntHervey.
LETTERXXV.XXVI.LovelacetoBelford.--Hisacknowledgedvanity.Accountsforhisplausiblebehaviour,andspeciouspromisesandproposals.ApprehensiveofthecorrespondencebetweenMissHoweandClarissa.Lovestoplaguehimwithout-of-the-waywordsandphrases.
LETTERXXVII.MissHowetoClarissa.--HowtojudgeofLovelace'ssuspiciousproposalsandpromises.Hickmandevotedtotheirservice.Yetshetreatshimwithridicule.
LETTERXXVIII.ClarissatoMissHowe.--Lovelacecomplains,shehears,toMrs.Greme,ofheradheringtoherinjunctions.Whatmeanshebyit,sheasks,yetforegosuchopportunitiesashehad?Sheispunishedforhervanityinhopingtobeanexample.BlamesMissHoweforherbehaviourtoHickman.
LETTERXXIX.Fromthesame.--WarmdialogueswithLovelace.Sheisdispleasedwithhimforhisaffectedly-bashfulhintsofmatrimony.Mutualrecriminations.Helooksuponherashis,shesays,byastrange
sortofobligation,forhavingrunawaywithheragainstherwill.Yetbuttouchesontheedgesofmatrimonyneither.Sheissickofherself.
LETTERXXX.Fromthesame.--Mr.LovelaceaperfectProteus.Henowapplaudsherforthattreatmentofhimwhichbeforehehadresented;andcommunicatestohertwoletters,onefromLadyBettyLawrance,theotherfromMissMontague.Shewondershedidnotproducethoselettersbefore,ashemustknowtheywouldbehighlyacceptabletoher.
LETTERXXXI.XXXII.XXXIII.XXXIV.Fromthesame.--ThecontentsofthelettersfromLadyBettyandMissMontagueputClarissaingoodhumourwithMr.Lovelace.Hehintsatmarriage;butpretendstobeafraidofpursuingthehint.Sheisearnestwithhimtoleaveher:andwhy.
Heapplaudsherreasonings.Herseriousquestions,andhisludicrousanswer.--Hemakesdifferentproposals.--HeofferstobringMrs.Nortontoher.Sheisreadytoblameherselfforherdoubtsofhim:butgivesreasonsforhercaution.--HewritesbyherconsenttohisfriendDoleman,toprocurelodgingsforherintown.
LETTERXXXV.LovelacetoBelford.--Gloriesinhiscontrivances.GivesanadvantageousdescriptionofClarissa'sbehaviour.ExultsonhermentioningLondon.Nonebutimpudentgirls,hesays,shouldrunawaywithaman.Hisfartherviews,plots,anddesigns.
LETTERXXXVI.MissHowetoClarissa.--HumourouslytouchesonherreproofsinrelationtoHickman.Observationsonsmoothlove.Lord
M.'sfamilygreatlyadmireher.ApprovesofherspiritedtreatmentofLovelace,andofhergoingtoLondon.Hintsatthenarrownessofherownmother.AdviseshertokeepfairwithLovelace.
LETTERXXXVII.XXXVIII.ClarissatoMissHowe.--Wondersnotthatherbrotherhasweighttomakeherfatherirreconcilable.--CopyofMr.Doleman'sansweraboutLondonlodgings.Hercautioninherchoiceofthem.LovelacehasgivenherfiveguineasforHannah.Otherinstancesofhisconsiderateness.Notdispleasedwithherpresentprospects.
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LETTERXXXIX.LovelacetoBelford.--ExplainswhatismeantbyDoleman'sansweraboutthelodgings.MakesBelfordobjecttohisscheme,thathemayanswertheobjections.Exults.Swells.Despiseseverybody.Importanceoftheminutiae.Moreofhisarts,views,andcontrivances.
LETTERXL.MissHowetoClarissa.--AcquaintsherwithaschemeformedbyherbrotherandcaptainSingleton,tocarryheroff.Hickman'ssilentcharities.Shedespisesallhissex,aswellashim.Illtermsonwhichherownfatherandmotherlived.ExtolsClarissaforherdomesticgoodqualities.Particularsofagreatcontestwithhermother,ontheircorrespondence.Hasbeenslaptbyher.Observationsonmanagingwives.
LETTERXLI.XLII.XLIII.ClarissatoMissHowe.--Astrongremonstranceonherbehaviourtohermother;inwhichshelaysdownthedutyofchildren.AccusesherofwantofgenerositytoHickman.Fartherexcusesherselfondecliningtoacceptofhermoneyoffers.ProposesaconditiononwhichMrs.Howemayseealltheywrite.
LETTERXLIV.MissHowetoClarissa.--Hermotherrejectstheproposedcondition.MissHowetakesthankfullyherreprehensions:butwillcontinuethecorrespondence.Someexcusesforherself.Humourousstoryofgame-chickens.
LETTERXLV.ClarissatoMissHowe.--Lovelacecommunicatesherbrother's
andSingleton'sproject;buttreatsitwithseemingcontempt.Sheaskshisadvicewhattodouponit.Thisbringsonanofferofmarriagefromhim.Howitwentoff.
LETTERXLVI.LovelacetoBelford.--Heconfesseshisartfulintentionsintheofferofmarriage:yethadlike,hesays,tohavebeencaughtinhisownsnares.
LETTERXLVII.JosephLemantoMr.Lovelace.--WithintelligenceofadesignformedagainsthimbytheHarlowes.Joseph'svilehypocrisyandselfishness.
LETTERXLVIII.Lovelace.Inanswer.--StoryofMissBetterton.Boastof
histreatmentofhismistresses.TheartfulusehemakesofJoseph'sintelligence.
LETTERXLIX.ClarissatoherauntHervey.--Complainsofhersilence.HintsathernothavingdesignedtogoawaywithLovelace.Shewillopenherwholehearttoher,ifsheencouragehertodoso,bythehopesofareconciliation.
LETTERL.MissHowetoClarissa.--ObservationsonLovelace'smeanness,pride,andrevenge.Politenessnottobeexpectedfromhim.SheravesathimfortheartfulmannerinwhichheurgesClarissatomarryhim.Advisesherhowtoactinherpresentsituation.
LETTERLI.BelfordtoLovelace.--Becomesawarmadvocateforthelady.Givesmanyinstructivereasonstoenforcehisargumentsinherfavour.
LETTERLII.Mrs.HerveytoClarissa.--Asevereandcruelletterinanswertoher's,LetterXLIX.Itwasnotdesigned,shesays,absolutelytoforcehertomarrytoherdislike.
LETTERLIII.ClarissatoMissHowe.--Herdeepregretonthisintelligence,forhavingmetLovelace.Thefinersensibilitiesmakenothappy.Herfatetoovisiblyinherpower.Heisunpolite,cruel,
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insolent,unwise,atriflerinhisownhappiness.Herreasonswhyshelesslikeshimthanever.Hersoulhissoul'ssuperior.Herfortitude.Herprayer.
LETTERLIV.LV.Fromthesame.--Nowindeedisherheartbroken,shesays.Asolemncurselaiduponherbyherfather.Hersister'sbarbarouslettersontheoccasion.
LETTERLVI.MissHowetoClarissa.--Aletterfullofgenerousconsolationandadvice.Herfriendlyvow.SendsherfiftyguineasintheleavesofaNorris'smiscellanies.
LETTERLVII.ClarissatoMissHowe.--Afaithfulfriendthemedicineoflife.SheisjustsettingoutforLondon.Lovelacehasofferedmarriagetoherinsounreservedamanner,thatshewishesshehadneverwrittenwithdiffidenceofhim.Issorryitwasnotinherpowertocomplywithhisearnestsolicitations.ReturnsherNorris:andwhy.
LETTERLVIII.LIX.MissHowetoClarissa.--SorryshehasreturnedherNorris.WishesshehadacceptedofLovelace'sunreservedofferofmarriage.BelievesherselftohaveasneakingkindnessforHickman:andwhy.SheblamesMrs.Harlowe:andwhy.
InanswertoLetterVIII.Clarissastatesthedifferenceinthe
charactersofMr.LovelaceandMr.Hickman;andtellsher,thathermotivesforsuspendingmarriagewerenotmerelyceremoniousones.RegretsMrs.Howe'sforbiddingthecorrespondencebetweenthem.Herdutifulapologyforherownmother.Lessontochildren.
LETTERLX.LovelacetoBelford.--Thinksheshallbeinevitablymanacledatlast.Thelady'sextremeillness.Herfilialpietygivesherdreadfulfaithinafather'scurses.SheletsnotMissHoweknowhowveryillshewas.Hisvowsofmarriagebringherbacktolife.Absolutelyinearnestinthosevows.[Theonlytimehewasso.]Hecannowtalkofloveandmarriagewithoutcheck.DescantsuponBelford'sletter,No.LI.
LETTERLXI.Fromthesame.--IssettingoutforLondon.Astrugglewith
hisheart.Ownsittobeavillainofaheart.Afitofstrong,buttransitoryremorse.Ifhedomarry,hedoubtsheshallhaveavapourishwife.Thinksitwouldbebetterforbothnottomarry.Hislibertinereasons.Lessonstothesex.
LETTERLXII.Fromthesame.--TheyarriveatMrs.Sinclair's.SallyMartinandPollyHortonsetuponhim.Hewaversinhisgoodpurposes.DorcasWykesproposed,andreluctantlyacceptedforaservant,tillHannahcancome.Dorcas'scharacter.Hehastwogreatpointstocarry.Whattheyare.
THEHISTORYOFCLARISSAHARLOWE
LETTERI
MISSHOWE,TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWETUESDAY,NINEO'CLOCK.
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Iwrite,becauseyouenjoinmetodoso.Loveyoustill!--HowcanIhelpit,ifIwould?YoumaybelievehowIstandaghast,yourlettercommunicatingthefirstnews--GoodGodofHeavenandEarth!--ButwhatshallIsay?--Iamallimpatientforparticulars.
Lordhavemercyuponme!--Butcanitbe?
Mymotherwillindeedbeastonished!--HowcanItellither!--Itwasbutlastnight(uponsomejealousiesputintoherheadbyyourfoolishuncle)thatIassuredher,andthisuponthestrengthofyourownassurances,thatneithermannordevilwouldbeabletoinduceyoutotakeastepthatwasintheleastderogatorytothemostpunctilioushonour.
But,oncemore,canitbe?Whatwomanatthisrate!--But,Godpreserveyou!
Letnothingescapeyouinyourletters.Directthemforme,however,toMrs.Knolly's,tillfurthernotice.
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Observe,mydear,thatIdon'tblameyoubyallthis--Yourrelationsonlyareinfault!--Yethowyoucametochangeyourmindisthesurprisingthing.
Howtobreakittomymother,Iknownot.Yetifshehearitfirstfromanyother,andfindIknewitbefore,shewillbelieveittobemyconnivance!--Yet,asIhopetolive,Iknownothowtobreakittoher.
Butthisisteasingyou.--Iamsure,withoutintention.
Letmenowrepeatmyformeradvice--Ifyouarenotmarriedbythistime,
besuredelaynottheceremony.Sincethingsareastheyare,Iwishitwerethoughtthatyouwereprivatelymarriedbeforeyouwentaway.IfthesemenpleadAUTHORITYtoourpain,whenwearetheirs--Whyshouldwenot,insuchacaseasthis,makesomegoodoutofthehatedword,forourreputation,whenweareinducedtoviolateamorenaturalone?
Yourbrotherandsister[thatvexesmealmostasmuchasanything!]havenowtheirends.Now,Isuppose,willgoforwardalterationsofwills,andsuch-likespitefuldoings.
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MissLloydandMissBiddulphthismomentsenduptheirnames.Theyareoutofbreath,Kittysays,tospeaktome--easytoguesstheirerrand;--Imustseemymother,beforeIseethem.Ihavenowaybuttoshewheryourlettertoclearmyself.Ishallnotbeabletosayaword,tillshehasrunherselfoutofherfirstbreath.--Forgiveme,mydear--surprisemakesmewritethus.Ifyourmessengerdidnotwait,andwerenotthoseyoungladiesbelow,Icouldwriteitoveragain,forfearofafflictingyou.
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Isendwhatyouwritefor.Iftherebeanythingelseyouwantthatisinmypower,commandwithoutreserve
YoureveraffectionateANNAHOWE.
LETTERII.
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWE.TUESDAYNIGHT.
Ithinkmyselfobligedtothankyou,mydearMissHowe,foryourcondescension,intakingnoticeofacreaturewhohasoccasionedyousomuchscandal.
Iamgrievedonthisaccount,asmuch,Iverilythink,asfortheevilitself.
Tellme--butyetIamafraidtoknow--whatyourmothersaid.
Ilong,andyetIdread,tobetold,whattheyoungladiesmycompanions,nownevermoreperhapstobeso,sayofme.
Theycannot,however,sayworseofmethanIwillofmyself.SelfaccusationshallflowineverylineofmynarrativewhereIthinkIamjustlycensurable.IfanythingcanarisefromtheaccountIamgoingtogiveyou,forextenuationofmyfault(forthatisallapersoncanhopefor,whocannotexcuseherself)IknowImayexpectitfromyourfriendship,thoughnotfromthecharityofanyother:sincebythistimeIdoubtnoteverymouthisopenedagainstme;andallthatknowClarissaHarlowecondemnthefugitivedaughter.
AfterIhaddepositedmylettertoyou,writtendowntothelasthour,asImaysay,Ireturnedtotheivysummer-house;firsttakingbackmyletterfromtheloosebricks:andthereIendeavoured,ascoollyasmy
situationwouldpermit,torecollectandlaytogetherseveralincidentsthathadpassedbetweenmyauntandme;and,comparingthemwithsomeofthecontentsofmycousinDolly'sletter,Ibegantohope,thatIneedednottobesoveryapprehensiveasIhavebeennextWednesday.AndthusIarguedwithmyself.
'Wednesdaycannotpossiblybethedaytheyintend,althoughtointimidatemetheymaywishmetothinkitis:forthesettlementsareunsigned:norhavetheybeenofferedmetosign.IcanchoosewhetherIwillorwillnotputmyhandtothem;hardasitwillbetorefuseifmyfatherandmotherpropose,ifImadecompulsionnecessary,togotomyuncle'sthemselvesinordertobeoutofthewayofmyappeals?WhereastheyintendtobepresentonWednesday.And,howeveraffectingtomethe
thoughtofmeetingthemandallmyfriendsinfullassemblyis,perhapsitistheverythingIoughttowishfor:sincemybrotherandsisterhadsuchanopinionofmyinterestinthem,thattheygotmeexcludedfromtheirpresence,asameasurewhichtheythoughtpreviouslynecessarytocarryontheirdesigns.
'NorhaveIreasontodoubt,butthat(asIhadbeforearguedwithmyself)Ishallbeabletobringoversomeofmyrelationstomyparty;and,beingbroughtfacetofacewithmybrother,thatIshallexposehismalevolence,andofconsequenceweakenhispower.
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'Thensupposingtheveryworst,challengingtheministerasIshallchallengehim,hewillnotpresumetoproceed:norsurelywillMr.Solmesdaretoacceptmyrefusingandstrugglinghand.Andfinally,ifnothingelsewilldo,norprocuremedelay,Icanpleadscruplesofconscience,andevenpretendpriorobligation;for,mydear,IhavegiveMr.Lovelaceroomtohope(asyouwillseeinoneofmylettersinyourhands)thatIwillbenootherman'swhileheissingle,andgivesmenotwilfulandpremeditatedcauseofoffenceagainsthim;andthisinordertorein-inhisresentmentonthedeclaredanimosityofmybrotherandunclestohim.AndasIshallappeal,orrefermyscruplesonthishead,tothegoodDr.Lewen,itisimpossiblebutthatmymotherandaunt(ifnobodyelse)mustbeaffectedwiththisplea.'
Revolvingcursorilythesethings,Icongratulatedmyself,thatIhadresolvedagainstgoingawaywithMr.Lovelace.
Itoldyou,mydear,thatIwouldnotsparemyself:andIenumeratetheseparticularsassomanyargumentstocondemntheactionsIhavebeensounhappilybetrayedinto.Anargumentthatconcludesagainstmewiththegreaterforce,asImustacknowledge,thatIwasapprehensive,thatwhatmycousinDollymentionsasfromBetty,andfrommysisterwhotoldher,thatsheshouldtellme,inordertomakemedesperate,andperhapstopushmeuponsomesuchstepasIhavebeendriventotake,as
themosteffectualmeanstoruinmewithmyfatheranduncles.
Godforgiveme,ifIjudgetooharshlyoftheirviews!--ButifIdonot,itfollows,thattheylaidawickedsnareforme;andthatIhavebeencaughtinit.--Andnowtheytriumph,iftheycantriumph,intheruinofasister,whoneverwishedorintendedtohurtthem!
AstheabovekindofreasoninghadlessenedmyapprehensionsastotheWednesday,itaddedtothoseIhadofmeetingMr.Lovelace--now,asitseemed,notonlythenearest,buttheheaviestevil;principallyindeedbecausenearest;forlittledidIdream(foolishcreaturethatIwas,andeverywaybeset!)oftheeventprovingwhatithasproved.Iexpectedacontentionwithhim,'tistrue,ashehadnotmyletter:but
Ithoughtitwouldbeverystrange,asImentionedinoneofmyformer,*ifI,whohadsosteadilyheldoutagainstcharacterssovenerable,againstauthoritiessosacred,asImaysay,whenIthoughtthemunreasonablyexerted,shouldnotfindmyselfmoreequaltosuchatrialasthis;especiallyasIhadsomuchreasontobedispleasedwithhimfornothavingtakenawaymyletter.
Onwhatapointoftimemayone'sworldlyhappinessdepend!HadIbuttwohoursmoretoconsiderofthematter,andtoattendtoandimproveuponthesenewlights,asImaycallthem--buteventhen,perhaps,Imighthavegivenhimameeting.--FoolthatIwas!whathadItodotogivehimhopethatIwouldpersonallyacquainthimwiththereasonformychangeofmind,ifIdidchangeit?
Omydear!anobligingtemperisaverydangeroustemper!--Byendeavouringtogratifyothers,itisevermoredisobligingitself!
Whenthebellrangtocalltheservantstodinner,Bettycametomeandasked,ifIhadanycommandsbeforeshewenttohers;repeatingherhint,thatsheshouldbeemployed;adding,thatshebelieveditwasexpectedthatIshouldnotcomeuptillshecamedown,ortillIsawmyauntorMissHervey.
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Iaskedhersomequestionsaboutthecascade,whichhadbeenoutoforder,andlatelymended;andexpressedacuriositytoseehowitplayed,inordertoinduceher[howcunningtocheatmyself,asitproved!]togothither,ifshefoundmenotwheresheleftme;itbeingapartofthegardenmostdistantfromtheivysummer-house.
ShecouldhardlyhavegotintothehousewhenIheardthefirstsignal--Ohowmyheartfluttered!--butnotimewastobelost.Istepttothegarden-door;andseeingaclearcoast,unboltedthealready-unlockeddoor--andtherewashe,allimpatience,waitingforme.
ApanicnexttofaintingseizedmewhenIsawhim.Myheartseemedconvulsed;andItrembledso,thatIshouldhardlyhavekeptmyfeet,hadhenotsupportedme.
Fearnothing,dearestcreature,saidhe--letushastenaway--thechariotisathand--and,bythissweetcondescension,youhaveobligedmebeyondexpressionorreturn.
Recoveringmyspiritsalittle,ashekeptdrawingmeafterhim,OMr.Lovelace,saidI,Icannotgowithyou--indeedIcannot--Iwroteyouwordso--letgomyhand,andyoushallseemyletter.Itislaintherefromyesterdaymorning,tillwithinthishalf-hour.Ibidyouwatchtothelastforaletterfromme,lestIshouldbeobligedtorevokethe
appointment;and,hadyoufollowedthedirection,youwouldhavefoundit.
Ihavebeenwatched,mydearestlife,saidhe,halfoutofbreath--IhavebeenwatchedineverystepItook:andmytrustyservanthasbeenwatchedtoo,eversinceSaturday;anddarednottocomenearyourwall.Andhereweshallbediscoveredinamoment.--Speedaway,mycharmer--thisisthemomentofyourdeliverance--ifyouneglectthisopportunity,youcanneverhavesuchanother.
Whatisityoumean,Sir?--Letgomyhand:forItellyou[strugglingvehemently]thatIwillsoonerdiethangowithyou.
GoodGod!saidhe,withalookofwildnessandsurprise,whatisitIhear?--But[stilldrawingmeafterhim,asheretreatedfartherfromthedoor]itisnotimetoargue--byallthat'sgoodyoumustgo--surelyyoucannotdoubtmyhonour,norgivemecausetoquestionyourown.
Asyouvalueme,Mr.Lovelace,urgemenofarther.Icomefixedandresolved.LetmegiveyoutheletterIhavewritten.Myfurtherreasonsshallfollow;andtheywillconvinceyouthatIoughtnottogo.
Nothing,Madam,canconvinceme--byallthat'ssacred,Iwillnotleaveyou.Toleaveyounow,wouldbetoloseyouforever--
AmItobethuscompelled?interruptedI,withequalindignationand
vehemence.--Letgomyhands--Iamresolvednottogowithyou--andIwillconvinceyouthatIoughtnot.
Allmyfriendsexpectyou,Madam--allyourownaredeterminedagainstyou--Wednesdaynextistheday,theimportant,perhapsthefatalday!WouldyoustaytobeSolmes'swife?--Canthisbeyourdeterminationatlast?
No,never,neverwillIbethatman's--ButIwillnotgowithyou![drawmenotthus--Howdareyou,Sir?Iwouldnothaveseenyou,buttotell
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youso].Ihadnotmetyou,butforfearyouwouldhavebeenguiltyofsomerashness--and,oncemore,Iwillnotgo--Whatmeanyou?--strivingwithallmyforcetogetfromhim.
Whatcanhavepossessedmyangel,saidhe[quittingmyhands,andwithagentlervoice]thataftersomuchill-usagefromyourrelations;vowssosolemnonmypart;anaffectionsoardent;youstabmewitharefusaltostandbyyourownappointment?
Wehavenotimetotalk,Mr.Lovelace.Iwillgiveyoumyreasonsatabetteropportunity.Icannotgowithyounow--andoncemoreurgemenofarther--surely,Iamnottobecompelledbyeverybody!
Iseehowitis,saidhe,withadejectedbutpassionateair--Whataseverefateismine!--Atlengthyourspiritissubdued!--Yourbrotherandsisterhaveprevailed;andImustgiveupallmyhopestoawretchsotrulydespicable--
OncemoreItellyou,interruptedI,Ineverwillbehis--allmayendonWednesdaydifferentlyfromwhatyouexpect--
Anditmaynot!--Andthen,goodheavens!
Itistobetheirlasteffort,asIhavereasontobelieve--
AndIhavereasontobelievesotoo--sinceifyoustay,youwillinevitablybeSolmes'swife.
Notso,interruptedI--Ihaveobligedtheminonepoint.Theywillbeingood-humourwithme.Ishallgaintimeatleast.IamsureIshall.Ihaveseveralwaystogaintime.
Andwhat,Madam,willgainingtimedo?Itisplainyouhavenotahopebeyondthat--itisplainyouhavenot,byputtingalluponthatprecariousissue.Omydearest,dearestlife,letmebeseechyounottorunarisqueofthisconsequence.Icanconvinceyouthatitwillbemorethanarisqueifyougoback,thatyouwillonWednesdaynextbe
Solmes'swife.--Prevent,therefore,nowthatitisinyourpowertoprevent,thefatalmischiefthatwillfollowsuchadreadfulcertainty.
WhileIhaveanyroomforhope,itconcernsyourhonour,Mr.Lovelace,aswellasmine,(ifyouhavethevalueformeyoupretend,andwishmetobelieveyou,)thatmyconductinthisgreatpointshouldjustifymyprudence.
Yourprudence,Madam!Whenhasthatbeenquestionable?Yetwhatsteadhaseitheryourprudenceoryourdutystoodyouin,withpeoplesostrangelydetermined?
Andthenhepatheticallyenumeratedthedifferentinstancesoftheharsh
treatmentIhadmetwith;imputingalltothemaliceandcapriceofabrother,whoseteverybodyagainsthim:andinsisting,thatIhadnootherwaytobringaboutareconciliationwithmyfatheranduncles,thanbyputtingmyselfoutofthepowerofmybrother'sinveteratemalice.
Yourbrother'swholereliance,proceededhe,hasbeenuponyoureasinesstobearhisinsults.Yourwholefamilywillseektoyou,whenyouhavefreedyourselffromthisdisgracefuloppression.Whentheyknowyouarewiththosewhocanandwillrightyou,theywillgiveuptoyouyourown
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estate.Whythen,puttinghisarmsaroundme,andagaindrawingmewithagentleforceafterhim,doyouhesitateamoment?--Nowisthetime--Flywithme,then,Ibeseechyou,mydearestcreature!Trustyourpersecutedadorer.Havewenotsufferedinthesamecause?Ifanyimputationsarecastuponyou,givemethehonour(asIshallbefoundtodeserveit)tocallyoumine;and,whenyouareso,shallInotbeabletoprotectbothyourpersonandcharacter?
Urgemenomore,Mr.Lovelace,Iconjureyou.Youyourselfhavegivenmeahint,whichIwillspeakplainerto,thanprudence,perhaps,onanyotheroccasion,wouldallow.Iamconvinced,thatWednesdaynext(ifIhadtimeIwouldgiveyoumyreasons)isnotintendedtobethedaywehadbothsomuchdreaded:andifafterthatdayshallbeover,IfindmyfriendsdeterminedinMr.Solmes'sfavour,IwillthencontrivesomewaytomeetyouwithMissHowe,whoisnotyourenemy:andwhenthesolemnityhaspassed,Ishallthinkthatstepaduty,whichtillthenwillbecriminaltotake:sincenowmyfather'sauthorityisunimpeachedbyanygreater.
DearestMadam--
Nay,Mr.Lovelace,ifyounowdispute--if,afterthismorefavourabledeclaration,thanIhadthethoughtofmaking,youarenotsatisfied,Ishallknowwhattothinkbothofyourgratitudeandgenerosity.
Thecase,Madam,admitsnotofthisalternative.Iamallgratitudeuponit.IcannotexpresshowmuchIshouldbedelightedwiththecharminghopeyouhavegivenme,wereyounotnextWednesday,ifyoustay,tobeanotherman's.Think,dearestcreature!whatanheighteningofmyanguishthedistanthopeyoubidmelookuptois,takeninthislight!
Depend,dependuponit,IwilldiesoonerthanbeMr.Solmes's.Ifyouwouldhavemerelyuponyourhonour,whyshouldyoudoubtofmine?
Idoubtnotyourhonour,Madam;yourpowerisallIdoubt.Younever,nevercanhavesuchanotheropportunity.--Dearestcreature,permitme--andhewasagaindrawingmeafterhim.
Whither,Sir,doyoudrawme?--Leavemethismoment--Doyouseektokeepmetillmyreturnshallgrowdangerousorimpracticable?Thismomentletmego,ifyouwouldhavemethinktolerablyofyou.
Myhappiness,Madam,bothhereandhereafter,andthesafetyofallyourimplacablefamily,dependuponthismoment.
ToProvidence,Mr.Lovelace,andtothelaw,willIleavethesafetyofmyfriends.Youshallnotthreatenmeintoarashnessthatmyheartcondemns!--ShallI,topromoteyourhappiness,asyoucallit,dependuponfuturepeaceofmind?
Youtriflewithme,mydearlife,justasourbetterprospectsbegintoopen.Thewayisclear;justnowitisclear;butyoumaybepreventedinamoment.Whatisityoudoubt?--MayIperisheternally,ifyourwillshallnotbealawtomeineverything!Allmyrelationsexpectyou.--NextWednesday!--Dearestcreature!thinkofnextWednesday!--AndtowhatisitIurgeyou,buttotakeastepthatsoonerthananyotherwillreconcileyoutoallwhomyouhavemostreasontovalueinyourfamily?
Letmyjudgeformyself,Sir.Donotyou,whoblamemyfriendsfor
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endeavouringtocompelme,yourselfseektocompel.Iwon'tbearit.Yourearnestnessgivesmegreaterapprehensions,andgreaterreluctance.Letmegoback,then--letme,beforeitistoolate,goback,thatitmaynotbeworseforboth--Whatmeanyoubythisforcibletreatment?IsitthusthatIamtojudgeoftheentiresubmissiontomywillwhichyouhavesooftenvowed?--Unhandmethismoment,orIwillcryoutforhelp.
Iwillobeyyou,mydearestcreature!--Andquittedmyhandwithalookfulloftenderdespondency,that,knowingtheviolenceofhistemper,half-concernedmeforhim.YetIwashasteningfromhim,when,withasolemnair,lookinguponhissword,butcatching,asitwere,hishandfromit,hefoldedbothhisarms,asifasuddenthoughthadrecoveredhimfromanintendedrashness.
Stay,onemoment--butonemomentstay,Obestbelovedofmysoul!--Yourretreatissecure,ifyouwillgo:thekeyliesatthedoor.--But,OMadam,nextWednesday,andyouareMr.Solmes's!--Flymenotsoeagerly--hearmebutafewwords.
Whennearthegarden-door,Istopped;andwasthemoresatisfied,asIsawthekeythere,bywhichIcouldletmyselfinagainatpleasure.But,beinguneasylestIshouldbemissed,Itoldhim,Icouldstaynolonger.Ihadalreadystaidtoolong.Iwouldwritetohimallmyreasons.Anddependuponit,Mr.Lovelace,saidI[justuponthepoint
ofstoopingforthekey,inordertoreturn]Iwilldie,ratherthanhavethatman.YouknowwhatIhavepromised,ifIfindmyselfindanger.
Oneword,Madam,however;onewordmore[approachingme,hisarmsstillfolded,asif,Ithought,hewouldnotbetemptedtomischief].Rememberonly,thatIcomeatyourappointment,toredeemyou,atthehazardofmylife,fromyourgaolersandpersecutors,witharesolution,Godismywitness,ormayheforeverblastme![thatwashisshockingimprecation]tobeafather,uncle,brother,and,asIhumblyhoped,inyourowngoodtime,ahusbandtoyou,allinone.ButsinceIfindyouaresoreadytocryoutforhelpagainstme,whichmustbringdownuponmethevengeanceofallyourfamily,Iamcontentedtorunallrisques.
Iwillnotaskyoutoretreatwithme;Iwillattendyouintothegarden,andintothehouse,ifIamnotintercepted.
Nay,benotsurprised,Madam.Thehelpyouwouldhavecalledfor,Iwillattendyouto;forIwillfacethemall:butnotasarevenger,iftheyprovokemenottoomuch.YoushallseewhatIcanfurtherbearforyoursake--andletusbothsee,ifexpostulation,andthebehaviourofagentlemantothem,willnotprocuremethetreatmentduetoagentlemanfromthem.
Hadheofferedtodrawhissworduponhimself,Iwaspreparedtohavedespisedhimforsupposingmesuchapoornovice,astobeintimidatedbyanartificesocommon.Butthisresolution,utteredwithsoserious
anair,ofaccompanyingmeintomyfriends,mademegaspwithterror.
Whatmeanyou,Mr.Lovelace?saidI:Ibeseechyouleaveme--leaveme,Sir,Ibeseechyou.
Excuseme,Madam!Ibegyoutoexcuseme.Ihavelongenoughskulkedlikeathiefabouttheselonelywalls--long,toolong,haveIbornetheinsultsofyourbrother,andotherofyourrelations.Absencebutheightensmalice.Iamdesperate.Ihavebutthisonechanceforit;forisnotthedayafterto-morrowWednesday?Ihaveencouragedvirulence
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bymytameness.--YettameIwillstillbe.Youshallsee,Madam,whatIwillbearforyoursake.Myswordshallbeputsheathedintoyourhands[andheofferedittomeinthescabbard].--Myheart,ifyouplease,clappingonehanduponhisbreast,shallaffordasheathforyourbrother'ssword.Lifeisnothing,ifIloseyou--bepleased,Madam,toshewmethewayintothegarden[movingtowardthedoor].Iwillattendyou,thoughtomyfate!--Buttoohappy,beitwhatitwill,ifIreceiveitinyourpresence.Leadon,dearcreature![puttinghisswordintohisbelt]--YoushallseewhatIcanbearforyou.Andhestoopedandtookupthekey;andofferedittothelock;butdroppeditagain,withoutopeningthedoor,uponmyearnestexpostulations.
Whatcanyoumean,Mr.Lovelace?--saidI--Wouldyouthusexposeyourself?Wouldyouthusexposeme?--Isthisyourgenerosity?Iseverybodytotakeadvantagethusoftheweaknessofmytemper?
AndIwept.Icouldnothelpit.
Hethrewhimselfuponhiskneesatmyfeet--Whocanbear,saidhe,[withanardourthatcouldnotbefeigned,hisowneyesglistening,]whocanbeartobeholdsuchsweetemotion?--Ocharmerofmyheart,[and,respectfullystillkneeling,hetookmyhandwithbothhis,pressingittohislips,]commandmewithyou,commandmefromyou;ineverywayIamimplicittoobedience--butIappealtoallyouknowofyour
relations'crueltytoyou,theirdeterminedmaliceagainstme,andasdeterminedfavourtothemanyoutellmeyouhate,(and,OMadam,ifyoudidnothatehim,Ishouldhardlythinktherewouldbeameritinyourapprobation,placeitwhereyouwould)--Iappealtoeverythingyouknow,toallyouhavesuffered,whetheryouhavenotreasontobeapprehensiveofthatWednesday,whichismyterror!--whetheryoucanpossiblyhaveanotheropportunity--thechariotready:myfriendswithimpatienceexpectingtheresultofyourownappointment:amanwhosewillshallbeentirelyyourwill,imploringyou,thus,onhisknees,imploringyou--tobeyourownmistress;thatisall:norwillIaskforyourfavour,butasuponfullproofIshallappeartodeserveit.Fortune,alliance,unobjectionable!--Omybelovedcreature!pressingmyhandoncemoretohislips,letnotsuchanopportunityslip.Younever,
neverwillhavesuchanother.
Ibidhimrise.Hearose;andItoldhim,thatwereInotthusunaccountablyhurriedbyhisimpatience,Idoubtednottoconvincehim,thatbothheandIhadlookeduponnextWednesdaywithgreaterapprehensionthanwasnecessary.Iwasproceedingtogivehimmyreasons;buthebrokeinuponme--
HadI,Madam,buttheshadowofaprobabilitytohopewhatyouhope,Iwouldbeallobedienceandresignation.Butthelicenseisactuallygot:theparsonisprovided:thepedantBrandistheman.Omydearestcreature,dothesepreparationsmeanonlyatrial?
Youknownot,Sir,weretheworsttobeintended,andweakasyouthinkme,whataspiritIhave:youknownotwhatIcando,andhowIcanresistwhenIthinkmyselfmeanlyorunreasonablydealtwith:nordoyouknowwhatIhavealreadysuffered,whatIhavealreadyborne,knowingtowhoseunbrotherlyinstigationsallistobeascribed--
Imayexpectallthings,Madam,interruptedhe,fromthenoblenessofyourmind.Butyourspiritsmayfailyou.Whatmaynotbeapprehendedfromtheinvincibletemperofafathersopositive,toadaughtersodutiful?--Faintingwillnotsaveyou:theywillnot,perhaps,besorry
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forsuchaneffectoftheirbarbarity.Whatwillsignifyexpostulationsagainstaceremonyperformed?Mustnotall,thedreadfulallfollow,thatistorturetomyheartbuttothinkof?Nobodytoappealto,ofwhatavailwillyourresistancebeagainsttheconsequencesofaritewitnessedtobytheimposersofit,andthoseyournearestrelations?
Iwassure,Isaid,ofprocuringadelayatleast.ManywaysIhadtoprocureadelay.Nothingcouldbesofataltousboth,asformenowtobefoundwithhim.Myapprehensionsonthisscore,Itoldhim,grewtoostrongformyheart.Ishouldthinkveryhardlyofhim,ifhesoughttodetainmelonger.Buthisacquiescenceshouldengagemygratitude.
Andthenstoopingtotakeupthekeytoletmyselfintothegarden,hestarted,andlookedasifhehadheardsomebodynearthedoor,ontheinside;clappinghishandonhissword.
Thisfrightedmeso,thatIthoughtIshouldhavesunkdownathisfeet.Butheinstantlyre-assuredme:Hethought,hesaid,hehadheardarustlingagainstthedoor:buthaditbeenso,thenoisewouldhavebeenstronger.Itwasonlytheeffectofhisapprehensionforme.
Andthentakingupthekey,hepresentedittome.--Ifyouwillgo,Madam--Yet,Icannot,cannotleaveyou!--Imustenterthegardenwithyou--forgiveme,butImustenterthegardenwithyou.
Andwillyou,willyouthusungenerously,Mr.Lovelace,takeadvantageofmyfears?ofmywishestopreventmischief?I,vainfool,tobeconcernedforeveryone;nobodyforme!
Dearestcreature!interruptedhe,holdingmyhand,asItremblinglyofferedtoputthekeytothelock--letme,ifyouwillgo,openthedoor.Butoncemore,consider,couldyoupossiblyobtainthatdelaywhichseemstobeyouronlydependence,whetheryoumaynotbecloserconfined?Iknowtheyhavealreadyhadthatinconsideration.Willyounot,inthiscase,bepreventedfromcorrespondingeitherwithMissHowe,orwithme?--Whothenshallassistyouinyourescape,ifescapeyouwould?--Fromyourchamber-windowonlypermittedtoviewthegarden
youmustnotenterinto,howwillyouwishfortheopportunityyounowhave,ifyourhatredtoSolmescontinue!--Butalas!thatcannotcontinue.Ifyougoback,itmustbefromtheimpulsesofayielding(whichyou'llcall,adutiful)heart,tiredandteasedoutofyourownwill.
Ihavenopatience,Sir,tobethusconstrained.MustIneverbeatlibertytofollowmyownjudgment?Betheconsequencewhatitmay,Iwillnotbethusconstrained.
Andthen,freeingmyhand,Iagainofferedthekeytothedoor.
Downthereadykneelerdroptbetweenmeandthat:Andcanyou,canyou,
Madam,oncemoreonmykneesletmeaskyou,lookwithanindifferenteyeupontheevilsthatmayfollow?ProvokedasIhavebeen,andtriumphedoverasIshallbe,ifyourbrothersucceeds,myownheartshudders,attimes,atthethoughtsofwhatmusthappen:Andcanyoursbeunconcerned?Letmebeseechyou,dearestcreature,toconsiderallthesethings;andlosenotthisonlyopportunity.Myintelligence--
Never,Mr.Lovelace,interruptedI,givesomuchcredittothewordsofatraitor.Yourbaseintelligencerisbutaservant.Hemaypretendtoknowmorethanhehasgroundsfor,inordertoearnthewagesof
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corruption.YouknownotwhatcontrivancesIcanfindout.
Iwasoncemoreofferingthekeytothelock,when,startingfromhisknees,withavoiceofaffrightment,loudlywhispering,andasifoutofbreath,theyareatthedoor,mybelovedcreature!andtakingthekeyfromme,heflutteredwithit,asifhewoulddoublelockit.Andinstantlyavoicefromwithincriedout,burstingagainstthedoor,asiftobreakitopen,thepersonrepeatinghisviolentpushes,Areyouthere?--comeupthismoment!--thismoment!--heretheyare--heretheyarebothtogether!--yourpistolthismoment!--yourgun!--Thenanotherpush,andanother.Heatthesamemomentdrewhissword,andclappingitnakedunderhisarm,tookbothmytremblinghandsinhis;anddrawingmeswiftlyafterhim,Fly,fly,mycharmer;thismomentisallyouhaveforit,saidhe.--Yourbrother!--youruncles!--orthisSolmes!--theywillinstantlyburstthedoor--fly,mydearestlife,ifyouwouldnotbemorecruellyusedthanever--ifyouwouldnotseetwoorthreemurderscommittedatyourfeet,fly,fly,Ibeseechyou.
OLord:--help,help,criedthefool,allinamazeandconfusion,frightedbeyondthepowerofcontrouling.
Nowbehindme,nowbeforeme,nowonthisside,nowonthat,turnedImyaffrightedface,inthesamemoment;expectingafuriousbrotherhere,armedservantsthere,anenragedsisterscreaming,andafatherarmed
withterrorinhiscountenancemoredreadfulthaneventhedrawnswordwhichIsaw,orthoseIapprehended.Iranasfastashe;yetknewnotthatIran;myfearsaddingwingstomyfeet,atthesametimethattheytookallpowerofthinkingfromme--myfears,whichprobablywouldnothavesufferedmetoknowwhatcoursetotake,hadInothadhimtourgeanddrawmeafterhim:especiallyasIbeheldaman,whomusthavecomeoutofthedoor,keepingusinhiseye,runningnowtowardsus;thenbacktothegarden;beckoningandcallingtoothers,whomIsupposedhesaw,althoughtheturningofthewallhinderedmefromseeingthem;andwhomIimaginedtobemybrother,myfather,andtheirservants.
Thusterrified,Iwasgotoutofsightofthedoorinaveryfewminutes:andthen,althoughquitebreathlessbetweenrunningand
apprehension,heputmyarmunderhis,hisdrawnswordintheotherhand,andhurriedmeonstillfaster:myvoice,however,contradictingmyaction;crying,no,no,no,allthewhile;strainingmynecktolookback,aslongasthewallsofthegardenandparkwerewithinsight,andtillhebroughtmetothechariot:where,attending,weretwoarmedservantsofhisown,andtwoofLordM.'sonhorseback.
HereImustsuspendmyrelationforawhile:fornowIamcometothissadperiodofit,myindiscretionstaresmeintheface;andmyshameandmygriefgivemeacompunctionthatismorepoignantmethinksthanifIhadadaggerinmyheart.Tohaveittoreflect,thatIshouldsoinconsideratelygiveintoaninterview,which,hadIknowneithermyselforhim,orintheleastconsideredthecircumstancesofthecase,
Imighthavesupposedwouldputmeintothepowerofhisresolution,andoutofthatofmyownreason.
For,mightInothavebelieved,thathe,whothoughthehadcausetoapprehendthathewasonthepointoflosingapersonwhohadcosthimsomuchpainsandtrouble,wouldnothinderher,ifpossible,fromreturning?Thathe,whoknewIhadpromisedtogivehimupforever,ifinsistedasaconditionofreconciliation,wouldnotendeavourtoputitoutofmypowertodoso?Inshort,thathe,whohadartfullyforbornetosendformyletter,(forhecouldnotbewatched,mydear,)lesthe
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shouldfindinitacountermandtomyappointment,(asImyselfcouldapprehend,althoughIprofitedbytheapprehension,)wouldwantadevicetokeepmewithhimtillthedangerofhavingourmeetingdiscoveredmightthrowmeabsolutelyintohispower,toavoidmyownworseusage,andthemischiefswhichmighthaveensued(perhapsinmyverysight)hadmyfriendsandhemet?
Butifitshallcomeout,thatthepersonwithinthegardenwashiscorruptedimplement,employedtofrightenmeawaywithhim,doyouthink,mydear,thatIshallnothavereasontohatehimandmyselfstillmore?Ihopehisheartcannotbesodeepandsovileaone:Ihopeitcannot!Buthowcameittopass,thatonemancouldgetoutatthegarden-door,andnomore?how,thatthatmankeptaloof,asitwere,andpursuedusnot;norranbacktoalarmthehouse?myfright,andmydistance,wouldnotletmebecertain;butreallythisman,asInowrecollect,hadtheairofthatvileJosephLeman.
Owhy,why,mydearfriends!--ButwhereforeblameIthem,whenIhadarguedmyselfintoahope,notimprobable,thateventhedreadfultrialIwastoundergososoonmightturnoutbetterthanifIhadbeendirectlycarriedawayfromthepresenceofmyonceindulgentparents,whomightpossiblyintendthattrialtobethelastIshouldhavehad?
WouldtoHeaven,thatIhadstoodit,however!thenifIhadafterwards
done,whatnowIhavebeenprevailedupon,orperhapsfoolishlyfrightenedtodo,IshouldnothavebeenstungsomuchbyinwardreproachasnowIam:andthiswouldhavebeenagreatevilavoided.
Youknow,mydear,thatyourClarissa'smindwaseverabovejustifyingherownfailingsbythoseofothers.Godforgivethoseofmyfriendswhohaveactedcruellybyme!Buttheirfaultsaretheirown,andnotexcusesformine.Andminebeganearly:forIoughtnottohavecorrespondedwithhim.
Othevileencroacher!howmyindignation,attimes,risesathim!thustoleadayoungcreature(toomuchindeedrelyinguponherownstrength)fromeviltoevil!--Thislastevil,althoughtheremote,yetsure
consequenceofmyfirst--myprohibitedcorrespondence!byafatherearlyprohibited.
HowmuchmoreproperlyhadIacted,withregardtothatcorrespondence,hadI,onceforall,whenhewasforbiddentovisitme,andItoreceivehisvisits,pleadedtheauthoritybywhichIoughttohavebeenbound,anddeniedtowritetohim!--ButIthoughtIcouldproceed,orstop,asIpleased.Isupposeditconcernedme,morethananyother,tobethearbitressofthequarrelsofunrulyspirits.--AndnowIfindmypresumptionpunished--punished,asothersinsfrequentlyare,byitself!
Astothislastrashness;now,thatitistoolate,IplainlyseehowIoughttohaveconductedmyself.AsheknewIhadbutonewayof
transmittingtohimtheknowledgeofwhatbefelme;asheknewthatmyfatewasuponacrisiswithmyfriends;andthatIhadinmylettertohimreservedthelibertyofrevocation;Ishouldnothavebeensolicitouswhetherhehadgotmyletterornot:whenhehadcome,andfoundIdidnotanswertohissignal,hewouldpresentlyhaveresortedtotheloosebricks,andtherebeensatisfied,bythedateofmyletter,thatitwashisownfaultthathehaditnotbefore.But,governedbythesamepragmaticalmotiveswhichinducedmetocorrespondwithhimatfirst,Iwasagainafraid,truly,withmyfoolishandbusyprescience;andthedisappointmentwouldhavethrownhimintothewayofreceiving
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freshinsultsfromthesamepersons;whichmighthavemadehimguiltyofsomeviolencetothem.Andsotosavehimanapprehendedrashness,Irushedintoarealonemyself.Andwhatvexesmemoreis,thatitisplaintomenow,byallhisbehaviour,thathehadasgreataconfidenceinmyweakness,asIhadinmyownstrength.Andso,inapointentirelyrelativetomyhonour,hehastriumphed;forhehasnotbeenmistakeninme,whileIhaveinmyself!
Tellme,mydearMissHowe,tellmetruly,ifyourunbiassedheartdoesnotdespiseme?--Itmust!foryourmindandminewereeverone;andIdespisemyself!--AndwellImay:ForcouldthegiddiestandmostinconsiderategirlinEnglandhavedoneworsethanIshallappeartohavedoneintheeyeoftheworld?Sincemycrimewillbeknownwithouttheprovocations,andwithouttheartificesofthebetrayertoo;whileitwillbeahighaggravation,thatbetterthingswereexpectedfrommethanfrommanyothers.
Youchargemetomarrythefirstopportunity--Ah!mydear!anotheroftheblessedeffectsofmyfolly--That'sasmuchinmypowernowas--asIammyself!--AndcanIbesidesgiveasanctionimmediatelytohisdeludingarts?--CanIavoidbeingangrywithhimfortrickingmethus,asImaysay,(andasIhavecalledittohim,)outofmyself?--Forcompellingmetotakeastepsocontrarytoallmyresolutionsandassurancesgiventoyou;astepsodreadfullyinconvenienttomyself;so
disgracefulandsogrievous(asitmustbe)tomydearmother,wereItobelessregardfulofanyotherofmyfamilyorfriends?--Youdon'tknow,norcanyouimagine,mydear,howIammortified!--HowmuchIamsunkinmyownopinion!I,thatwasproposedforanexample,truly,toothers!--OthatIwereagaininmyfather'shouse,stealingdownwithalettertoyou;myheartbeatingwithexpectationoffindingonefromyou!
*****
ThisistheWednesdaymorningIdreadedsomuch,thatIoncethought
ofitasthedayofmydoom:butoftheMonday,itisplain,Ioughttohavebeenmostapprehensive.HadIstaid,andhadtheworstIdreadedhappened,myfriendswouldthenhavebeenanswerablefortheconsequences,ifanybadoneshadfollowed:--butnow,Ihaveonlythisconsolationleftme(averypoorone,you'llsay!)thatIhaveclearedthemofblame,andtakenitalluponmyself!
Youwillnotwondertoseethisnarrativesodismallyscrawled.Itisowingtodifferentpensandink,allbad,andwritteninsnatchesoftime;myhandtremblingtoowithfatigueandgrief.
Iwillnotaddtothelengthofit,bytheparticularsofhisbehaviourtome,andofourconversationatSt.Alban's,andsince;becausethose
willcomeincourseinthecontinuationofmystory;which,nodoubt,youwillexpectfromme.
OnlythusmuchwillIsay,thatheisextremelyrespectful(evenobsequiouslyso)atpresent,thoughIamsomuchdissatisfiedwithhimandmyselfthathehashithertohadnogreatcausetopraisemycomplaisancetohim.Indeed,Icanhardly,attimes,beartheseducerinmysight.
ThelodgingsIaminareinconvenient.Ishallnotstayinthem:soit
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signifiesnothingtotellyouhowtodirecttomehither.Andwheremynextmaybe,asyetIknownot.
HeknowsthatIamwritingtoyou;andhasofferedtosendmyletter,whenfinished,byaservantofhis.ButIthoughtIcouldnotbetoocautious,asIamnowsituated,inhavingaletterofthisimportanceconveyedtoyou.Whoknowswhatsuchamanmaydo?Soverywickedacontriver!Thecontrivance,ifacontrivance,togetmeaway,soinsolentlymean!--ButIhopeitisnotacontrivanceneither!--Yet,bethatasitwill,Imustsay,thatthebestofhim,andofmyprospectswithhim,arebad;andyet,havingenrolledmyselfamongthetoo-laterepenters,whoshallpityme?
Nevertheless,Iwilldaretohopeforacontinuedinterestinyouraffections[IshallbemiserableindeedifImaynot!]andtoberememberedinyourdailyprayers.Forneithertimenoraccidentshallevermakemeceasetobe
YourfaithfulandaffectionateCLARISSAHARLOWE.
LETTERIII
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOSEPHLEMANSAT.APRIL8.
HONESTJOSEPH,
Atlengthyourbelovedyoungladyhasconsentedtofreeherselffromthecrueltreatmentshehassolongborne.Sheistomeetmewithoutthegarden-doorataboutfouro'clockonMondayafternoon.Itoldyoushehadpromisedtodoso.Shehasconfirmedherpromise.ThankHeavenshehasconfirmedherpromise!
Ishallhaveachariot-and-sixreadyintheby-roadfrontingtheprivate
pathtoHarlowe-paddock;andseveralofmyfriendsandservantsnotfaroff,armedtoprotecther,iftherebeoccasion:buteveryonechargedtoavoidmischief.That,youknow,hasalwaysbeenmyprincipalcare.
Allmyfearis,that,whenshecomestothepoint,theover-nicenessofherprincipleswillmakeherwaver,andwanttogoback:althoughherhonourismyhonour,youknow,andmineisher's.Ifsheshould,andshouldIbeunabletoprevailuponher,allyourpastserviceswillavailnothing,andshewillbelosttomeforever:thepreythenofthatcursedSolmes,whosevilestinginesswillneverpermithimtodogoodtoanyoftheservantsofthefamily.
Ihavenodoubtofyourfidelity,honestJoseph;norofyourzealto
serveaninjuredgentleman,andanoppressedyounglady.YouseebytheconfidenceIreposeinyou,thatIhavenot;moreparticularly,onthisveryimportantoccasion,inwhichyourassistancemaycrownthework:for,ifshewaver,alittleinnocentcontrivancewillbenecessary.
Beverymindful,therefore,ofthefollowingdirections;takethemintoyourheart.Thiswillprobablybeyourlasttrouble,untilmybelovedandIarejoinedinholywedlock:andthenwewillbesuretotakecareofyou.YouknowwhatIhavepromised.Nomaneverreproachedmeforbreachofword.
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These,then,honestJoseph,arethey:
Contrivetobeinthegarden,indisguise,ifpossible,andunseenbyyouryounglady.Ifyoufindthegarden-doorunbolted,youwillknowthatsheandIaretogether,althoughyoushouldnotseehergooutatit.Itwillbelocked,butmykeyshallbeonthegroundjustwithoutthedoor,thatyoumayopenitwithyour's,asitmaybeneedful.
Ifyouhearourvoicesparleying,keepatthedoortillIcryHem,hem,twice:butbewatchfulforthissignal;forImustnothemveryloud,lestsheshouldtakeitforasignal.Perhaps,instrugglingtoprevailuponthedearcreature,Imayhaveanopportunitytostrikethedoorhardwithmyelbow,orheel,toconfirmyou--thenyouaretomakeaviolentburstagainstthedoor,asifyouwouldbreakitopen,drawingbackwardandforwardtheboltinahurry:then,withanotherpush,butwithmorenoisethanstrength,lestthelockgiveway,cryout(asifyousawsomeofthefamily)Comeup,comeup,instantly!--Heretheyare!Heretheyare!--Hasten!--Thisinstant!hasten!Andmentionswords,pistols,guns,withasterribleavoiceasyoucancryoutwith.ThenshallIprevailuponher,nodoubt,iflothbefore,tofly.IfIcannot,Iwillenterthegardenwithher,andthehousetoo,betheconsequencewhatitwill.But,soaffrighted,theseisnoquestionbutshewillfly.
Whenyouthinkusatasufficientdistance[andIshallraisemyvoiceurgingherswifterflight,thatyoumayguessatthat]thenopenthedoorwithyourkey:butyoumustbesuretoopenitverycautiously,lestweshouldnotbefarenoughoff.Iwouldnothaveherknowyouhaveahandinthismatter,outofmygreatregardtoyou.
Whenyouhaveopenedthedoor,takeyourkeyoutofthelock,andputitinyourpocket:then,stoopingformine,putitinthelockontheinside,thatitmayappearasifthedoorwasopenedbyherself,withakey,whichtheywillsupposetobeofmyprocuring(itbeingnew)andleftopenbyus.
Theyshouldconcludesheisgoneoffbyherownconsent,thattheymay
notpursueus:thattheymayseenohopesoftemptingherbackagain.Ineithercase,mischiefmighthappen,youknow.
Butyoumusttakenotice,thatyouareonlytoopenthedoorwithyourkey,incasenoneofthefamilycomeuptointerruptus,andbeforewearequitegone:for,iftheydo,you'llfindbywhatfollows,thatyoumustnotopenthedooratall.Letthem,onbreakingitopen,orbygettingoverthewall,findmykeyontheground,iftheywill.
Iftheydonotcometointerruptus,andifyou,byhelpofyourkey,comeout,followusatadistance;and,withupliftedhands,andwildimpatientgestures,(runningbackwardandforward,forfearyoushouldcomeuptoonearus,andasifyousawsomebodycomingtoyour
assistance,)cryoutforhelp,help,andtohasten.Thenshallwebesoonatthechariot.
Tellthefamilythatyousawmeenterachariotwithher:adozen,ormore,menonhorseback,attendingus;allarmed;somewithblunderbusses,asyoubelieve;andthatwetookquitethecontrarywaytothatweshouldtake.
Yousee,honestJoseph,howcarefulIam,aswellasyou,toavoidmischief.
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Observetokeepatsuchadistancethatshemaynotdiscoverwhoyouare.Takelongstrides,toalteryourgait;andholdupyourhead,honestJoseph;andshe'llnotknowittobeyou.Men'sairsandgaitsareasvariousandpeculiarastheirfaces.Pluckastakeoutofoneofthehedges:andtugatit,thoughitmaycomeeasy:this,ifsheturnback,willlookterrible,andaccountforyournotfollowingusfaster.Then,returningwithit,shouldered,tobragtothefamilywhatyouwouldhavedone,couldyouhaveovertakenus,ratherthanyouryoungladyshouldbecarriedoffbysucha------Andyoumaycallmenames,andcurseme.Andtheseairswillmakeyoulookvaliant,andinearnest.Yousee,honestJoseph,Iamalwayscontrivingtogiveyoureputation.Nomansuffersbyservingme.
But,ifourparleyshouldlastlongerthanIwish;andifanyofherfriendsmissherbeforeIcry,Hem,hem,twice;then,inordertosaveyourself,(whichisaverygreatpointwithme,Iassureyou,)makethesamenoiseasabove:butasIdirectedbefore,opennotthedoorwithyourkey.Onthecontrary,wishforakeywithallyourheart;butforfearanyofthemshouldbyaccidenthaveakeyaboutthem,keepinreadinesshalfadozenlittlegravel-stones,nobiggerthanpeas,andthrusttwoorthreeslilyintothekey-hole;whichwillhindertheirkeyfromturninground.Itisgood,youknow,Joseph,toprovideagainsteveryaccidentinsuchanimportantcase,asthis.Andletthisbeyour
cry,insteadoftheother,ifanyofmyenemiescomeinyoursight,asyouseemtobetryingtoburstthedooropen,Sir!Sir!orMadam!Madam!OLord,hasten!OLord,hasten!Mr.Lovelace!Mr.Lovelace!--Andveryloud--andthatshallquickenmemorethanitshallthoseyoucallto.--IfitbeBetty,andonlyBetty,Ishallthinkworseofyourartofmakinglove*thanofyourfidelity,ifyoucan'tfindawaytoamuseher,andputheruponafalsescent.
*SeeVol.II.LetterXXIX.
Youmusttellthemthatyouryoungladyseemedtorunasfastoffwith
measIwithher.Thiswillalsoconfirmtothemthatallpursuitisinvain.AnendwillherebybeputtoSolmes'shopes:andherfriends,afterawhile,willbemorestudioustobereconciledtoherthantogetherback.Soyouwillbeahappyinstrumentofgreatgoodtoallround.Andthiswillonedaybeacknowledgedbybothfamilies.Youwillthenbeeveryone'sfavourite;andeverygoodservant,forthefuture,willbeproudtobelikenedtohonestJosephLeman.
Ifsheshouldguessatyou,orfindyouout,Ihaveitalreadyinmyheadtowritealetterforyoutocopy,*which,occasionallyproduced,willsetyourightwithher.
*SeeVol.III.LetterXXI.
Thisonetimebediligent,becareful:thiswillbethecrownofall:andoncemore,depend,forarecompense,uponthehonourof
Yourassuredfriend,R.LOVELACE.
YouneednotbesomuchafraidofgoingtoofarwithBetty.Ifyoushouldmakeamatchwithher,sheisaverylikelycreature,though
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avixen,asyousay.Ihaveanadmirablereceipttocureatermagantwife.--Neverfear,Joseph,butthoushaltbemasterofthinehouse.Ifshebeverytroublesome,Icanteachtheehowtobreakherheartinatwelvemonth;andhonestlytoo;--orthepreceptwouldnotbemine.
Iencloseanewearnestofmyfuturefavour.
LETTERIV
TOROBERTLOVELACE,ESQUIER,HISHONNERSUNDAYMORNING,APRIL9.
HONNEREDSIR,
ImustconfesseIaminfinitelyobligedtoyourHonner'sbounty.Butthislastcommand!--Itseemssointricket!Lordbemercifultome,howhaveIbeenledfromlittelsteppstogratestepps!--AndifIshouldbefoundout!--ButyourHonnersaysyouwilltakemeintoyourHonner'ssarvise,andprotectme,ifasIshouldatanytimebefoundout;andraisemywagesbesides;orsetmeuppinagoodinne;whichismyambishion.Andyouwillbehonnerableandkindtomydearestyounglady,
Godloveher.--Butwhocanbeunkindtoshe?
IwildomybestIamable,sinceyourHonnerwillbeapttoloseher,asyourHonnersays,ifIdonot;andamansostingiewillbeapttogainher.Butmayhapmydearesteyoungladywillnotmakeallthistrubbleneedful.Ifshehaspromissed,shewillstandtoit,Idaretosay.
IloveyourHonnerforcontriveingtosavemischiffsowell.IthoughttillIknow'dyourHonner,thatyouwasverrymischevous,andpleseyourHonner:butfindittobeclenecontrary.YourHonner,itisplane,meansmightywellbyeverybody,asfarasIsee.AsIamsureIdomyself;forIam,althoffaveryplaneman,andallthat,averyhonnest
one,IthankmyGod.Andhavegoodprincipels,andhavekeptmyyounglady'spresseptsalwaysinmind:forshegoesnowhere,butsavesasoulortwo,moreorless.
So,commendingmyselftoyourHonner'sfurtherfavour,notforgettingtheinne,whenyourHonnershallsoplease,andgoodoneoffers;forplasesarenoinherritansesnow-a-days.And,Ihope,yourHonnerwillnotthinkmeadishonestmanforsarvingyourHonneragenstmyduty,asitmaylook;butonlyasmyconshenceclearsme.
Bepleased,howsomever,ifitlikeyourHonner,nottocallmehonestJoseph,sooften.For,althoffIthinkmyselfverryhonnest,andallthat,yetIamtouchedalittel,forfearIshouldnotdothequite
rightthing:andtoobesides,yourHonnerhassuchafesseshiouswaywithyou,asthatIhardlyknowwhetheryouareinjestorearnest,whenyourHonnercallsmehonnestsooften.
Iamaveryplaneman,andseldomhavewrittosuchhonourablegentlemen;soyouwillbegoodenufftopassbyeverything,asIhaveoftensaid,andneednotnowsayoveragain.
AstoMrs.Betty;Itho'te,indeed,shelookedaboveme.Butshecomesonverewell,natheless.Icouldlikeherbetter,iffshewasbetterto
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myyounglady.Butshehastoomuchwitforsoplaneaman.Natheless,ifshewastoangreme,althoffitisashametobeteawoman,yetIcoldemakeshifttothroemyhatather,orso,yourHonner.
Butthatsamereseit,iffyourHonnersoplease,tocureashrewishwife.Itwouldmoreencurregetowed,iffsobeoneknow'ditbefore-hand,asonemaysay.Solikewise,ifoneknoedonecouldhonnestly,asyourHonnersays,andasofthehandy-workofGod,inonetwelvemonth--
But,Ishallgrowimpertinenttosuchagrateman.--Andhereaftermaydoforthat,assheturnesout:foronemoughtbelothtopartwithher,mayhap,soverrysoontoo;espessiallyifshewastomakethenotablelandladyyourHonnerputintomyhead.
Buttwoncemoer,beggingyourHonner'sparden,andpromissingalldilligenceandexsackness,Ireste,
YourHonner'sdewtifulsarvanttocommand,JOSEPHLEMAN.
LETTERV
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.ST.ALBAN'S,MONDAYNIGHT.
Isnatchafewmomentswhilemybelovedisretired,[asIhope,torest,]toperformmypromise.Nopursuit--norhaveIapprehensionsofany;thoughImustmakemycharmerdreadthattherewillbeone.
Andnow,letmetellthee,thatneverwasjoysocompleteasmine!--Butletmeinquire,isnottheangelflownaway?
*****
Ono!Sheisinthenextapartment!--Securelymine!--Mineforever!
Oecstasy!--Myheartwillburstmybreast,Toleapintoherbosom!
Iknewthatthewholestupidfamilywereinacombinationtodomybusinessforme.Itoldtheethattheywereallworkingforme,likesomanygroundmoles;andstillmoreblindthanthemolesaresaidtobe,unknowingthattheydidso.Imyself,thedirectoroftheirprincipalmotions;whichfallinginwiththemaliceoftheirlittlehearts,theytooktobealltheirown.
ButdidIsaymyjoywasperfect?--Ono!--Itreceivessomeabatementfrommydisgustedbride.ForhowcanIenduretothinkthatIowemoretoherrelations'precautionsthantoherfavourforme?--Oreven,asfarasIknow,toherpreferenceofmetoanotherman?
Butletmenotindulgethisthought.WereItodoso,itmightcostmycharmerdear.Letmerejoice,thatshehaspassedtherubicon:thatshecannotreturn:that,asIhaveorderedit,theflightwillappeartotheimplacablestobealtogetherwithherownconsent:andthatifIdoubt
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herlove,Icanputhertotrialsasmortifyingtoherniceness,asglorioustomypride.--For,letmetellthee,dearlyasIloveher,ifIthoughttherewasbuttheshadowofadoubtinhermindwhethershepreferredmetoanymanliving,Iwouldshewhernomercy.
TUESDAY,DAY-DAWN.
But,onthewingsoflove,Iflytomycharmer,whoperhapsbythistimeisrisingtoencouragethetardydawn.IhavenotsleptawinkofthehourandhalfIlaydowntoinvitesleep.Itseemstome,thatIamnotsomuchbody,astorequiresuchavulgarrenovation.
Butwhy,asinthechariot,asintheinn,atalighting,allheart-burstinggrief,mydearestcreature?SOpersecutedasthouwertpersecuted!--Somuchindangerofthemostabhorredcompulsion!--Yetgriefsounsuspectedlysincereforanescapesocritical!--Takecare,takecare,Obelovedofmysoul!forjealousistheheartinwhichlovehaserectedatempletothee.
Yet,itmustbeallowed,thatsuchasuddentransitionmustaffecther;musticeherover.Whenalittlemoreusedtohernewsituation;whenherhurriesareatanend;whensheseeshowreligiouslyIshallobserveallherINJUNCTIONS;shewillundoubtedlyhavethegratitude
todistinguishbetweentheconfinementshehasescapedfrom,andthelibertyshehasreasontorejoicein.
Shecomes!Shecomes!Andthesunisjustrisingtoattendher!Adieu!BehalfashappyasIam(foralldiffidencies,likenight-fogsbeforethesun,disperseatherapproach)and,nextmyself,thouwiltbethehappiestmanintheworld.
LETTERVI
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWEWEDNESDAY,APRIL12.
Iwillpursuemymelancholystory.
Beingthushurriedtothechariot,itwouldhavebeentonopurposetohaverefusedenteringintoit,hadhenotinmyfrightliftedmein,ashedid:anditinstantlydroveawayafullgallop,andstoppednottillitbroughtustoSt.Alban's;whichwasjustasthedayshutin.
IthoughtIshouldhavefaintedseveraltimesbytheway.Withupliftedhandsandeyes,Godprotectme!saidIoftentomyself:CanitbeI,thatamhere!Myeyesrunningover,andmyheartreadytoburstwith
sighsasinvoluntarilyasmyflight.
Howdifferent,howinexpressiblydifferent,thegaywretch;visiblytriumphing(asIcouldnotbeconstruehisalmostrapturousjoy)inthesuccessofhisarts!Butoverflowingwithcomplimentalflourishes,yetrespectfullydistanthisaddress,allthewayweflew;forthat,ratherthangalloping,wasthemotionofthehorses;whichtook,asIbelieve,around-aboutway,topreventbeingtraced.
Ihavereasontothink,therewereotherhorsemenathisdevotion;three
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orfourdifferentpersons,abovetherankoftheservants,gallopingbyusnow-and-then,oneachsideofthechariot:buthetooknonoticeofthem;andIhadtoomuchgrief,mingledwithindignation,notwithstandingallhisblandishments,toaskanyquestionsaboutthem,oranythingelse.
Think,mydear,whatweremythoughtsonalightingfromthechariot;havingnoattendantofmyownsex;noclothesbutwhatIhadon,andthoselittlesuitedtosuchajourneyasIhadalreadytaken,andwasstilltotake:neitherhoodnorhat,noranythingbutahandkerchiefroundmyheadandshoulders:fatiguedtodeath:mymindstillmorefatiguedthanmybody:andinsuchafoamthehorses,thateveryoneintheinnweputupatguessed[theycouldnotdootherwise]thatIwasayounggiddycreature,whohadrunawayfromherfriends.Thisitwaseasytosee,bytheirwhisperingandgaping:moreofthepeopleofthehousealsocominginbyturns,thanwerenecessaryfortheattendance.
Themistressofthehouse,whomhesentintome,showedmeanotherapartment;and,seeingmereadytofain,broughtmehartshornandwater;andthen,uponmydesiringtobeleftaloneforhalfanhour,retired:forIfoundmyheartreadytoburst,onrevolvingeverythinginmythoughts:andthemomentshewasgone,fasteningthedoor,Ithrewmyselfintoanoldgreatchair,andgavewaytoaviolentfloodoftears,whichalittlerelievedme.
Mr.Lovelace,soonerthanIwished,sentupthegentlewoman,whopressedme,inhisname,toadmitmybrother,ortocomedowntohim:forhehadtoldherIwashissister;andthathehadbroughtme,againstmywill,andwithoutwarning,fromafriend'shouse,whereIhadbeenallthewinter,inordertopreventmymarryingagainsttheconsentofmyfriends;towhomhewasnowconductingme;andthat,havinggivenmenotimeforatravelling-dress,Iwasgreatlyoffendedathim.
So,mydear,yourfrank,youropen-heartedfriend,wasforcedtocountenancethistale;whichindeedsuitedmethebetter,becauseIwasunableforsometimetotalk,speak,orlookup;andsomydejection,andgrief,andsilence,mightverywellpassbeforethegentlewomanand
herniecewhoattendedme,asafitofsullenness.
TheroomIwasinbeingabed-chamber,Ichosetogodown,athisrepeatedmessage,attendedbythemistressofthehouse,tothatinwhichhewas.Heapproachedmewithgreatrespect,yetnotexceedingabrotherlypoliteness,whereabrotherispolite;and,callingmehisdearestsister,askedafterthestateofmymind;andhopedIwouldforgivehim;forneverbrotherhalfsowelllovedasister,asheme.
Awretch!hownaturallydidhefallintothecharacter,althoughIwassomuchoutofmine!
Unthinkingcreatureshavesomecomfortintheshortnessoftheirviews;
intheirunapprehensiveness;andthattheypenetratenotbeyondthepresentmoment:inshortthattheyareunthinking!--But,forapersonofmythoughtfuldisposition,whohasbeenaccustomedtolookforward,aswelltothepossible,astotheprobable,whatcomfortcanIhaveinmyreflections?
Butletmegiveyoutheparticularsofourconversationalittlebeforeandafteroursupper-time,joiningbothinone.
Whenwewerealone,hebesoughtme(Icannotsaybutwithallthetokens
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ofapassionateandrespectfultenderness)tobebetterreconciledtomyselfandtohim:herepeatedallthevowsofhonourandinviolableaffectionthatheevermademe:hepromisedtobewhollygovernedbymeineveryfuturestep.Heaskedmetogivehimleavetopropose,whetherIchosetosetoutnextdaytoeitherofhisaunts?
Iwassilent.Iknewnotwhattosay,norwhattodo.
WhetherIchosetohaveprivatelodgingsprocuredformeineitherofthoseladies'neighbourhood,aswereoncemythoughts?
Iwasstillsilent.
WhetherIchosetogotoeitherofLordM.'sseats;thatofBerks,orthatinthecountywewerein?
Inlodgings,Isaid,anywhere,wherehewasnottobe.
Hehadpromisedthis,heowned;andhewouldreligiouslykeeptohisword,assoonashefoundalldangerofpursuitover;andthatIwassettledtomymind.But,iftheplacewereindifferenttome,Londonwasthesafest,andthemostprivate:andhisrelationsshouldallvisitmethere,themomentIthoughtfittoadmitthem.HiscousinCharlotte,particularly,shouldattendme,asmycompanion,ifIwouldacceptof
her,assoonasshewasabletogoabroad.Meantime,wouldIgotoLadyBettyLawrance's(LadySarahwasamelancholywoman)?Ishouldbethemostwelcomeguestsheeverreceived.
Itoldhim,Iwishednottogo(immediately,however,andintheframeIwasin,andnotlikelytobeoutof)toanyofhisrelations:thatmyreputationwasconcerned,tohavehimabsentfromme:that,ifIwereinsomeprivatelodging,themeanerthelesstobesuspected,(asitwouldbeknown,thatIwentawaybyhismeans;andhewouldbesupposedtohaveprovidedmehandsomeaccommodations,)itwouldbemostsuitablebothtomymindandtomysituation:thatthismightbebest,Ishouldthink,inthecountryforme;intownforhim.Andnomatterhowsoonhewasknowntobethere.
Ifhemightdeliverhisopinion,hesaid,itwas,thatsinceIdeclinedgoingtoanyofhisrelations,Londonwastheonlyplaceintheworldtobeprivatein.Everynewcomerinacountrytownorvillageexcitedacuriosity:Apersonofmyfigure[andmanycomplimentshemademe]wouldexcitemore.Evenmessagesandletters,wherenoneusedtobebrought,wouldoccasioninquiry.Hehadnotprovidedalodginganywhere,supposingIwouldchoosetogoeithertoLondon,whereaccommodationsofthatsortmightbefixeduponinanhour'stime,ortoLadyBetty's;ortoLordM.'sHerfordshireseat,wherewasthehousekeeper,anexcellentwoman,Mrs.Greme,suchanotherasmyNorton.
Tobesure,Isaid,ifIwerepursued,itwouldbeintheirfirst
passion;andsomeoneofhisrelations'houseswouldbetheplacetheywouldexpecttofindmeat--Iknewnotwhattodo.
Mypleasureshoulddeterminehim,hesaid,beitwhatitwould.OnlythatIweresafe,wasallhewassolicitousabout.Hehadlodgingsintown;buthedidnotoffertoproposethem.Heknew,Iwouldhavemoreobjectionstogotothem,thanIcouldtogotoLordM.'s,ortoLadyBetty's.
Nodoubtofit,Ireplied,withsuchanindignationinmymanner,as
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madehimrunoverwithprofessions,thathewasfarfromproposingthem,orwishingformyacceptanceofthem.Andagainherepeated,thatmyhonourandsafetywereallhewassolicitousabout;assuringme,thatmywillshouldbealawtohimineveryparticular.
Iwastoopeevish,andtoomuchafflicted,andindeedtoomuchincensedagainsthim,totakewellanythinghesaid.
Ithoughtmyself,Isaid,extremelyunhappy.Iknewnotwhattodetermineupon:myreputationnow,nodoubt,utterlyruined:destituteofclothes:unfittobeseenbyanybody:myveryindigence,asImightcallit,proclaimingmyfollytoeveryonewhosawme;whowouldsupposethatIhadbeentakenatadvantage,orhadgivenanundueone;andhadnopowerovereithermywillormyactions:thatIcouldnotbutthinkIhadbeendealtartfullywith:thathehadseemedtohavetaken,whathemightsuppose,thejustmeasureofmyweakness,foundedonmyyouthandinexperience:thatIcouldnotforgivemyselfformeetinghim:thatmyheartbledforthedistressesofmyfatherandmother,onthisoccasion:thatIwouldgivetheworld,andallmyhopesinit,tohavebeenstillinmyfather'shouse,whateverhadbeenmyusage:that,lethimprotestandvowwhathewould,Isawsomethinglowandselfishinhislove,thathecouldstudytoputayoungcreatureuponmakingsuchasacrificeofherdutyandconscience:whenaperson,actuatedbyagenerouslove,mustseektoobligetheobjectofit,ineverythingessentialtoher
honour,andtoherpeaceofmind.
HewasveryattentivetoallIsaid,neverofferingtointerruptmeonce.Hisanswertoeveryarticle,almostmethodically,shewedhismemory.
'WhatIhadsaid,hetoldme,madehimverygrave;andhewouldansweraccordingly.
'Hewasgrievedathisheart,tofindthathehadsolittleshareinmyfavourorconfidence.
'Astomyreputation,(hemustbeverysincerewithme,)thatcouldnot
sufferhalfsomuchbythestepIsoregrettedtohavetaken,asbytheconfinement,andequallyfoolishandunjusttreatment,Ihadmetwithfrommyrelations:thateverymouthwasfullofblameofthem,ofmybrotherandsisterparticularly;andofwonderatmypatience:thathemustrepeatwhathehadwrittentomehebelievedmorethanonce,ThatmyfriendsthemselvesexpectedthatIshouldtakeaproperopportunitytofreemyselffromtheirpersecutions;whyelsedidtheyconfineme?Thatmyexaltedcharacter,ashecalledit,wouldstillbearmeout,withthosewhoknewme;whoknewmybrother'sandsister'smotives;andwhoknewthewretchtheywereforcompellingmetohave.
'Withregardtoclothes;who,asmatterswerecircumstanced,couldexpectthatIshouldbeabletobringawayanyothersthanthoseIhad
onatthetime?Forpresentuseorwear,alltheladiesofhisfamilywouldtakeapridetosupplyme:forfuture,theproductofthebestlooms,notonlyinEngland,butthroughouttheworld,wereatmycommand.
'IfIwantedmoney,asnodoubtImust,heshouldbeproudtosupplyme:Wouldtoheaven,hemightpresumetohope,therewerebutoneinterestbetweenus!'
Andthenhewouldfainhavehadmetoacceptofabanknoteofahundred
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pounds;which,unawarestome,heputintomyhand:butwhich,youmaybesure,Irefusedwithwarmth.
'Hewasinexpressiblygrievedandsurprised,hesaid,tohearmesayhadactedartfullybyme.Hecameprovided,accordingtomyconfirmedappointment,'[awretchtoupbraidmethus!]'toredeemmefrommypersecutors;andlittleexpectedachangeofsentiment,andthatheshouldhavesomuchdifficultytoprevailuponme,ashehadmetwith:thatperhapsImightthinkhisoffertogointothegardenwithme,andtofacemyassembledrelations,wasapieceofartonly:butthatifIdid,Iwrongedhim:sincetothishour,seeingmyexcessiveuneasiness,hewished,withallhissoulhehadbeenpermittedtoaccompanymein.Itwasalwayshismaximtobraveathreateneddanger.Threateners,wheretheyhaveanopportunitytoputinforcetheirthreats,wereseldomtobefeared.Buthadhebeenassuredofaprivatestab,orofasmanydeath'swoundsastherewerepersonsinmyfamily,(madedesperateasheshouldhavebeenbymyreturn,)hewouldhaveattendedmeintothehouse.'
So,mydear,whatIhavetodo,istoholdmyselfinexcusableformeetingsuchadeterminedandaudaciousspirit;that'sall!Ihavehardlyanyquestionnow,butthathewouldhavecontrivedsomewickedstratagemorothertohavegotmeaway,hadImethimatamidnighthour,asonceortwiceIhadthoughtstodo;andthatwouldhavebeen
moreterriblestill.
Heconcludedthispartofhistalk,withsaying,'Thathedoubtednotbutthat,hadheattendedmein,heshouldhavecomeoffineveryone'sopinionwell,thatheshouldhavehadgeneralleavetorenewhisvisits.'
Hewenton--'Hemustbesoboldastotellme,thatheshouldhavepaidavisitofthiskind,(butindeedaccompaniedbyseveralofhistrustyfriends,)hadInotmethim;andthatveryafternoontoo;forhecouldnottamelyletthedreadfulWednesdaycome,withoutmakingsomeefforttochangetheirdeterminations.'
What,mydear,wastobedonewithsuchaman!
'Thatthereforeformysake,aswellasforhisown,hehadreasontowishthatadiseasesodesperatehadbeenattemptedtobeovercomebyasdesperatearemedy.Weallknow,saidhe,thatgreatendsaresometimesbroughtaboutbytheverymeansbywhichtheyareendeavouredtobefrustrated.'
Mypresentsituation,Iamsure,thoughtI,affordsasadevidenceofthistruth!
Iwassilentallthistime.Myblamewasindeedturnedinward.Sometimes,too,Iwashalf-frightedathisaudaciousness:atothers,had
thelessinclinationtointerrupthim,beingexcessivelyfatigued,andmyspiritssunktonothing,withaviewevenofthebestprospectswithsuchaman.
Thisgavehisopportunitytoproceed:andthathedid;assumingastillmoreseriousair.
'Astowhatfurtherremainedforhimtosay,inanswertowhatIhadsaid,hehopedIwouldpardonhim;but,uponhissoul,hewasconcerned,infinitelyconcerned,herepeated,(hiscolourandhisvoicerising,)
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thatitwasnecessaryforhimtoobserve,howmuchIchoserathertohaveruntherisqueofbeingSolmes'swife,thantohaveitinmypowertorewardamanwho,Imustforgivehim,hadbeenasmuchinsultedonmyaccount,asIhadbeenonhis--whohadwatchedmycommands,and(pardonme,Madam)everchangeablemotionofyourpen,allhours,inallweathers,andwithacheerfulnessandardour,thatnothingbutthemostfaithfulandobsequiouspassioncouldinspire.'
Inow,mydear,begantoreviveintoalittlemorewarmthofattention.--
'Andall,Madam,forwhat?'--HowIstared!forhestoptthenamomentortwo--'Only,'wentheon,'toprevailuponyoutofreeyourselffromungenerousandbaseoppressions'--
Sir,Sir,indignantlysaidI--
'Hearmebutout,dearestMadam!--Myheartisfull--ImustspeakwhatIhavetosay--Tobetold(foryourwordsareyetinmyears,andatmyheart!)thatyouwouldgivetheworld,andallyourhopesinit,tohavebeenstillinyourcruelandgloomyfather'shouse'--
Notaword,Sir,againstmyfather!--Iwillnotbearthat--
'Whateverhadbeenyourusage:--andyouhaveacredulity,Madam,againstallprobability,ifyoubelieveyoushouldhaveavoidedbeingSolmes'swife:ThatIhaveputyouuponsacrificingyourdutyandconscience--yet,dearestcreature!seeyounotthecontradictionthatyourwarmthoftemperhassurprisedyouinto,whenthereluctanceyoushewedtothelasttoleaveyourpersecutors,hasclearedyourconsciencefromtheleastreproachofthissort?'--
OSir!Sir!areyousocriticalthen?Areyousolightinyourangerastodwelluponwords?--
Indeed,mydear,Ihavesincethoughtthathisangerwasnotowingtothatsuddenimpetus,whichcannotbeeasilybridled;butratherwasa
sortofmanageableangerletloosetointimidateme.
'Forgiveme,Madam--Ihavejustdone--HaveInot,inyouropinion,hazardedmylifetoredeemyoufromoppression?Yetisnotmyreward,afterall,precarious?--For,Madam,haveyounotconditionedwithme(and,hardastheconditionis,mostsacredlywillIobserveit)thatallmyhopemustberemote?Thatyouaredeterminedtohaveitinyourpowertofavourorrejectmetotally,asyouplease?'
See,mydear!ineveryrespectmyconditionchangedfortheworse!Isitinmypowertotakeyouradvice,ifIshouldthinkiteversorighttotakeit?*
*ClarissahadbeencensuredasbehavingtoMr.Lovelace,intheirfirstconversationatSt.Alban's,andafterwards,withtoomuchreserve,andevenwithhaughtiness.Surelythose,whohavethoughthertoblameonthisaccount,havenotpaidadueattentiontothestory.Howearly,asabove,andinwhatimmediatelyfollows,doesheremindherofthetermsofdistancewhichshehadprescribedtohim,beforeshewasinhispower,inhopestoleavethedooropenforareconciliationwithherfriends,whichherheartwassetupon?Andhowartfullydoeshe(unrequired)promisetoobservetheconditionsinwhichsheinher
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presentcircumstancesandsituation(inpursuanceofMissHowe'sadvice)wouldgladlyhavedispensedwith?--Tosaynothingoftheresentmentshewasunderanecessitytoshew,atthemannerofhisgettingheraway,inordertojustifytohimthesincerityofherrefusaltogooffwithhim.See,inhersubsequentLettertoMissHowe,No.IX.,herownsenseuponthesubject.
'Andhaveyounotfurthermoredeclared,'proceededhe'thatyouwillengagetorenouncemeforever,ifyoufriendsinsistuponthatcruelrenunciation,asthetermsofbeingreconciledtoyou?
'Butnevertheless,Madam,allthemeritofhavingsavedyoufromanodiouscompulsion,shallbemine.Igloryinit,thoughIweretoloseyouforever.AsIseeIambuttoolikelytodo,fromyourpresentdispleasure;andespecially,ifyourfriendsinsistuponthetermsyouarereadytocomplywith.
'Thatyouareyourownmistress,throughmymeans,is,Irepeat,myboast.Assuch,Ihumblyimploreyourfavour,andthatonlyupontheconditionsIhaveyieldedtohopeforit.AsIdonow,thushumbly,[theproudwretchfallingononeknee,]yourforgiveness,forsolongdetainingyourear,andforalltheplaindealingthatmyundesigningheartwouldnotbedeniedtoutterbymylips.'
OSir,prayrise!Lettheobligedkneel,ifoneofusmustkneel!But,nevertheless,proceednotinthisstrain,Ibeseechyou.Youhavehadagreatdealoftroubleaboutme:buthadyouletmeknowintime,thatyouexpectedtoberewardedforitatthepriceofmyduty,Ishouldhavesparedyoumuchofit.
Farbeitfromme,Sir,todepreciatemeritsoextraordinary.Butletmesay,thathaditnotbeenfortheforbiddencorrespondenceIwasteasedbyyouinto;andwhichIhadnotcontinued(everyletter,formanyletters,intendedtobethelast)butbecauseIthoughtyouasuffererfrommyfriends;Ihadnotbeeneitherconfinedorilltreated:norwouldmybrother'slow-meantviolencehavehadafoundationtowork
upon.
IamfarfromthinkingmycasewouldhavebeensoverydesperateasyouimaginehadIstaid.Myfatherlovedmeinhisheart:hewouldnotseemebefore;andIwantedonlytoseehim,andtobeheard;andadelayofhissentencewastheleastthingIexpectedfromthetrialIwastostand.
Youareboastingofyourmerits,Sir:letmeritbeyourboast;nothingelsecanattractme.Ifpersonalconsiderationshadprincipalweightwithme,eitherinSolmes'sdisfavour,orinyourfavour,Ishalldespisemyself:ifyouvalueyourselfuponthem,inpreferencetothepersonofthepoorSolmes,Ishalldespiseyou!
Youmaygloryinyourfanciedmeritsingettingmeaway:butthecauseofyourglory,Itellyouplainly,ismyshame.
Maketoyourselfatitletomyregard,whichIcanbetterapproveof;orelseyouwillnothavesomuchmeritwithme,asyouhavewithyourself.
Buthere,Sir,likethefirstpair,(I,atleast,drivenoutofmyparadise,)arewerecriminating.Nomoreshallyouneedtotellmeofyoursufferings,andyourmerits!yourallhours,andallweathers!For
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IwillbeartheminmemoryaslongasIlive;andifitbeimpossibleformetorewardthem,beeverreadytoowntheobligation.AllthatIdesireofyounowis,toleaveittomyselftoseekforsomeprivateabode:totakethechariotwithyoutoLondon,orelsewhere:and,ifIhaveanyfurtheroccasionforyourassistanceandprotection,Iwillsignifyittoyou,andbestillfurtherobligedtoyou.
Youarewarm,mydearestlife!--Butindeedthereisnooccasionforit.HadIanyviewsunworthyofmyfaithfulloveforyou,Ishouldnothavebeensohonestinmydeclarations.
Thenhebeganagaintovowthesincerityofhisintentions--
ButItookhimupshort:Iamwillingtobelieveyou,Sir.Itwouldbeinsupportablebuttosupposetherewereanecessityforsuchsolemndeclarations.[Atthisheseemedtocollecthimself,asImaysay,intoalittlemorecircumspection.]IfIthoughttherewere,Iwouldnotsitwithyouhere,inapublicinn,Iassureyou,althoughcheatedhither,asfarasIknow,bymethods(youmustexcuseme,Sir)which,buttosuspect,willhardlyletmehavepatienceeitherwithyouorwithmyself--butnomoreofthis,justnow:Letme,Ibeseechyou,goodSir,bowing[Iwasveryangry!]letmeonlyknowwhetheryouintendtoleaveme;orwhetherIhaveonlyescapedfromoneconfinementtoanother?
Cheatedhither,asfarasIknow,Madam!Letyouknow(andwiththatair,too,charming,thoughgrievoustomyheart!)ifyouhaveonlyescapedfromoneconfinementtoanother--amazing!perfectlyamazing!Andcantherebeanecessityformetoanswerthis?Youareabsolutelyyourownmistress--itwasverystrange,ifyouwerenot.Themomentyouareinaplaceofsafety,Iwillleaveyou.Tooneconditiononly,givemeleavetobegyourconsent:itisthis,thatyouwillbepleased,nowyouaresoentirelyinyourownpower,torenewapromisevoluntarilymadebefore;voluntarily,orIwouldnotnowpresumetorequestit;foralthoughIwouldnotbethoughtcapableofgrowinguponconcession,yetIcannotbeartothinkoflosingthegroundyourgoodnesshadgivenmeroomtohopeIhadgained;'That,makeuphowyoupleasewithyourrelations,youwillnevermarryanyotherman,whileIamlivingand
single,unlessIshouldbesowickedastogivenewcauseforhighdispleasure.'
Ihesitatenottoconfirmthispromise,Sir,uponyourowncondition.Inwhatmannerdoyouexpecttoconfirmit?
Only,Madam,byyourword.
ThenIneverwill.
Hehadtheassurance(Iwasnowinhispower)tosalutemeasasealingofmypromise,ashecalledit.Hismotionwassosudden,thatIwasnotawareofit.Itwouldhavelookedaffectedtobeveryangry;yetIcould
notbepleased,consideringthisasaleadingfreedom,fromaspiritsoaudaciousandencroaching:andhemightsee,thatIwasnot.
Hepassedallthatmywithanairpeculiartohimself--Enough,enough,dearestMadam!Andnowletmebegofyoubuttoconquerthisdreadfuluneasiness,whichgivesmetoapprehendtoomuchformyjealouslovetobear;anditshallbemywholeendeavourtodeserveyourfavour,andtomakeyouthehappiestwomanintheworld;asIshallbethehappiestofmen.
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Ibrokefromhimtowritetoyoumyprecedingletter;butrefusedtosenditbyhisservant,asItoldyou.Themistressofthehousehelpedmetoamessenger,whowastocarrywhatyoushouldgivehimtoLordM.'sseatinHertfordshire,directedforMrs.Greme,thehousekeeperthere.Andearlyinthemorning,forfearofpursuit,weweretosetoutthatway:andthereheproposedtochangethechariotandsixforachaiseandpairofhisown,whichhehadatthatseat,asitwouldbealess-noticedconveyance.
Ilookedovermylittlestockofmoney;andfoundittobenomorethansevenguineasandsomesilver:therestofmystockwasbutfiftyguineas,andthatfivemorethanIthoughtitwas,whenmysisterchallenegedmeastothesumIhadbyme:*andthoseIleftinmyescritoire,littleintendingtogoawaywithhim.
*SeeVol.I.LetterXLIII.
Indeedmycaseaboundswithashockingnumberofindelicatecircumstances.Amongtherest,Iwasforcedtoaccounttohim,whoknewIcouldhavenoclothesbutwhatIhadon,howIcametohavelinenwithme(forhecouldnotbutknowIsentforit);lestheshouldimagineIhadanearlydesigntogoawaywithhim,andmadethatpartofthe
preparation.
Hemostheartilywished,hesaid,formymind'ssake,thatyourmotherwouldhaveaffordedmeherprotection;anddeliveredhimselfuponthissubjectwithequalfreedomandconcern.
Thereare,mydearMissHowe,amultitudeofpunctiliosanddecorums,whichayoungcreaturemustdispensewith,who,inasituationlikemine,makesamantheintimateattendantofherperson.Icouldnow,Ithink,givetwentyreasonsstrongerthananyIhaveheretoforementioned,whywomenoftheleastdelicacyshouldneverthinkofincurringthedangerandthedisgraceoftakingthestepIhavebeendrawnintotake,butwithhorrorandaversion;andwhytheyshouldlook
uponthemanwhoshouldtemptthemtoit,asthevilestandmostselfishofseducers.
*****
Beforefiveo'clock(Tuesdaymorning)themaidservantcameuptotellmethatmybrotherwasready,andthatbreakfastalsowaitedformeintheparlour.Iwentdownwithaheartasheavyasmyeyes,andreceivedgreatacknowledgementsandcomplimentsfromhimonbeingsosoondressed,andready(asheinterpretedit)tocontinueonourjourney.
HehadthethoughtwhichIhadnot(forwhathadItowiththinking,whohaditnotwhenIstoodmostinneedofit?)topurchaseformeavelvethood,andashortcloke,trimmedwithsilver,withoutsayinganythingtome.Hemustrewardhimself,theartfulencroachersaid,beforethelandladyandhermaidsandniece,forhisforethought;andwouldsalutehisprettysullensister!--Hetookhisreward;and,ashesaidbefore,atearwithit.Whileheassuredme,stillbeforethem[avilewretch!]thatIhadnothingtofearfrommeetingwithparentswhosodearlylovedme.--
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HowcouldIbecomplaisant,mydear,tosuchamanasthis?
Whenwehadgotinthechariot,anditbegantomove,heaskedme,whetherIhadanyobjectiontogotoLordM.'sHertfordshireseat?HisLordship,hesaid,wasathisBerkshireone.
Itoldhim,Ichosenottogo,asyet,toanyofhisrelations;forthatwouldindicateaplaindefiancetomyown.Mychoicewas,togotoaprivatelodging,andforhimtobeatadistancefromme:atleast,tillIheardhowthingsweretakenbymyfriends:forthat,althoughIhadbutlittlehopesofareconciliationasitwas;yetiftheyknewIwasinhisprotection,orinthatofanyofhisfriends,(whichwouldbelookeduponasthesamething,)therewouldnotberoomforanyhopesatall.
IshouldgovernhimasIpleased,hesolemnlyassuredme,ineverything.ButhestillthoughtLondonwasthebestplaceforme;andifIwereoncesafethere,andinalodgingtomyliking,hewouldgotoM.Hall.But,asIapprovednotofLondon,hewouldurgeitnofurther.
Heproposed,andIconsented,toputupataninnintheneighbourhoodofTheLawn(ashecalledLordM.'sseatinthiscounty)sinceIchosenottogothither.AndhereIgottwohourstomyself;whichItoldhimIshouldpassinwritinganotherlettertoyou,(meaningmynarrative,
which,thoughgreatlyfatigued,IhadbegunatSt.Alban's,)andinonetomysister,toapprisethefamily(whethertheyweresolicitousaboutitornot)thatIwaswell;andtobegthatmyclothes,someparticularbooks,andthefiftyguineasIhadleftinmyescritoire,mightbesentme.
Heasked,ifIhadconsideredwhithertohavethemdirected?
Indeed,notI,Itoldhim:Iwasastrangerto--
Sowashe,heinterruptedme;butitstruckhimbychance--
Wickedstory-teller!
But,addedhe,Iwilltellyou,Madam,howitshallbemanaged--Ifyoudon'tchoosetogotoLondon,itis,nevertheless,bestthatyourrelationsshouldthinkyouthere;forthentheywillabsolutelydespairoffindingyou.Ifyouwrite,bepleasedtodirect,tobeleftforyou,atMr.Osgood's,nearSoho-square.Mr.Osgoodisamanofreputation:andthiswilleffectuallyamusethem.
Amusethem,mydear!--Amusewhom?--Myfather!--myuncles!--Butitmustbeso!----Allhisexpedientsready,yousee!
Ihadnoobjectiontothis:andIhavewrittenaccordingly.ButwhatanswerIshallhave,orwhetherany,thatiswhatgivesmenosmall
anxiety.
This,however,isoneconsolation,thatifIhaveananswer,andalthoughmybrothershouldbethewriter,itcannotbemoreseverethanthetreatmentIhaveoflatereceivedfromhimandmysister.
Mr.Lovelacestaidoutaboutanhourandhalf;andthencamein;impatientlysendinguptomenolessthanfourtimes,todesireadmittance.ButIsenthimwordasoften,thatIwasbusy;andatlast,thatIshouldbeso,tilldinnerwasready.Hethenhastenedthat,asI
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heardhimnow-and-then,withaheartycurseuponthecookandwaiters.
Thisisanotherofhisperfections.Iventuredafterwardstocheckhimforhisfreewords,aswesatatdinner.
Havingheardhimswearathisservant,whenbelow,whom,nevertheless,heownstobeagoodone;itisasadlife,saidI,theseinnkeeperslive,Mr.Lovelace.
No;prettywell,Ibelieve--butwhy,Madam,thinkyou,thatfellows,whoeatanddrinkatothermen'scost,ortheyaresorryinnkeepers,shouldbeentitledtopity?
Becauseofthesoldierstheyareobligedtoquarter;whoaregenerally,Ibelieve,wretchedprofligates.Blessme!saidI,howIheardoneofthemswearandcurse,justnow,atamodest,meekman,asIjudgebyhislowvoice,andgentleanswers!--Welldotheymakeitaproverb--Likeatrooper!
Hebithislip;arose;turneduponhisheel;stepttotheglass;andlookingconfidentlyabashed,ifImaysayso,Ay,Madam,saidhe,thesetroopersaresadswearingfellows.Ithinktheirofficersshouldchastisethemforit.
Iamsuretheydeservechastisement,repliedI:forswearingisamostunmanlyvice,andcursingaspoorandlowaone;sincetheyproclaimtheprofligate'swantofpower,andhiswickednessatthesametime;for,couldsuchaonepunishashespeaks,hewouldbeafiend!
Charminglyobserved,bymysoul,Madam!--ThenexttrooperIhearswearandcurse,I'lltellhimwhatanunmanly,andwhatapoorwretchheis.
Mrs.Gremecametopayherdutytome,asMr.Lovelacecalledit;andwasveryurgentwithmetogotoherlord'shouse;lettingmeknowwhathandsomethingsshehadheardofherlord,andhistwonieces,andallthefamily,sayofme;andwhatwishesforseveralmonthspasttheyhadputupforthehonourshenowhopedwouldsoonbedonethemall.
Thisgavemesomesatisfaction,asitconfirmedfromthemouthofaverygoodsortofwomanallthatMr.Lovelacehadtoldme.
Uponinquiryaboutaprivatelodging,sherecommendedmetoasister-in-lawofhers,eightmilesfromthence--whereInowam.Andwhatpleasedmethebetter,was,thatMr.Lovelace(ofwhomIcouldseeshewasinfinitelyobservant)obligedher,ofhisownmotion,toaccompanymeinthechaise;himselfridingonhorseback,withhistwoservants,andoneofLordM.'s.Andherewearrivedaboutfouro'clock.
But,asItoldyouinmyformer,thelodgingsareinconvenient.Mr.Lovelaceindeedfoundgreatfaultwiththem:andtoldMrs.Greme(who
hadsaid,thattheywerenotworthyofus)thattheycamenotupeventoherownaccountofthem.Asthehousewasamilefromatown,itwasnotproperforhim,hesaid,tobesofardistantfromme,lestanythingshouldhappen:andyettheapartmentswerenotseparateanddistinctenoughformetolikethem,hewassure.
Thismustbeagreeableenoughforhim,youwillbelieve.
Mrs.GremeandIhadagooddealoftalkinthechaiseabouthim:shewasveryeasyandfreeinheranswerstoallIasked;andhas,Ifind,a
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veryseriousturn.
Iledherontosaytothefollowingeffect;somepartofitnotunlikewhatLordM.'sdismissedbailiffhadsaidbefore;bywhichIfindthatalltheservantshavealikeopinionofhim.
'ThatMr.Lovelacewasagenerousman:thatitwashardtosay,whethertheservantsofherlord'sfamilylovedorfearedhimmost:thatherlordhadaverygreataffectionforhim:thathistwonobleauntswerenotlessfondofhim:thathiscousinsMontaguewereasgoodnaturedyoungladiesaseverlived:thatLordM.andLadySarah,andLadyBettyhadproposedseveralladiestohim,beforehemadehisaddressestome:andevensince;despairingtomovemeandmyfriendsinhisfavour.--Butthathehadnothoughtsofmarryingatall,shehadheardhimsay,ifitwerenottome:thataswellherlordasthetwoladieshissisterswereagooddealconcernedattheill-usagehereceivedfrommyfamily:butadmiredmycharacter,andwishedtohavehimmarriedtome(althoughIwerenottohaveashilling)inpreferencetoanyotherperson,fromtheopiniontheyhadoftheinfluenceIshouldhaveoverhim.That,tobesure,Mr.Lovelacewasawildgentleman:butwildnesswasadistemperwhichwouldcureitself.Thatherlorddelightedinhiscompany,wheneverhecouldgetit:butthattheyoftenfellout;andhislordshipwasalwaysforcedtosubmit--indeed,washalfafraidofhim,shebelieved;forMr.Lovelacewoulddoashepleased.Shemingleda
thousandpitiesoften,thatheactednotuptothetalentslenthim--yetwouldhaveit,thathehadfinequalitiestofoundareformationupon:and,whenthehappydaycame,wouldmakeamendsforall:andofthisallhisfriendsweresoassured,thattheywishedfornothingsoearnestly,asforhismarriage.'
This,indifferentasitis,isbetterthanmybrothersaysofhim.
Thepeopleofthehousehereareveryhonest-lookingindustriousfolks:Mrs.Sorlingsisthegentlewoman'sname.Thefarmseemswellstocked,andthriving.Sheisawidow;hastwosons,mengrown,whoviewitheachotherwhichshalltakemostpainsinpromotingthecommongood;andtheyarebothofthem,Ialreadysee,morerespectfultotwomodestyoung
womentheirsisters,thanmybrotherwastohissister.
IbelieveImuststayherelongerthanatfirstIthoughtIshould.
Ioughttohavementioned,that,beforeIsetoutforthisplace,Ireceivedyourkindletter.*Everythingiskindfromsodearafriend.
*SeeVol.II.LetterXLVII.
Iown,thatafterIhadtoldyouofmyabsolutedeterminationnottogoawaywithhim,youmightwellbesurprised,atyourfirsthearingthat
Iwasactuallygone.TheLordblessme,mydear,Imyself,attimes,canhardlybelieveitisI,thathavebeenledtotakesostrangeastep.
IhavenotthebetteropinionofMr.Lovelaceforhisextravagantvolubility.Heistoofullofprofessions.Hesaystoomanyfinethingsofme,andtome.Truerespect,truevalue,Ithink,liesnotinwords:wordscannotexpressit:thesilentawe,thehumble,thedoubtingeye,andeventhehesitatingvoice,bettershewitbymuch,than,asourbelovedShakespearesays,
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----TherattlingtongueOfsaucyandaudaciouseloquence.
Themanindeedattimesisallupontheecstatic;oneofhisphrases.But,tomyshameandconfusion,Imustsay,thatIknowtoowelltowhattoattributehistransports.Inoneword,itistohistriumph,mydear.And,toimputeittothatperhapsequallyexposesmyvanity,andcondemnsmyfolly.
Wehavebeenalarmedwithnotionsofapursuit,foundeduponaletterfromhisintelligencer.
Howdodifferentcircumstanceseithersanctifyorcondemnthesameaction!--Whatcareoughtwetotakenottoconfoundthedistinctionsofrightandwrong,whenselfcomesinthequestion!--IcondemnedinMr.Lovelacethecorruptingofaservantofmyfather's;andnowIamgladtogiveakindofindirectapprobationofthatfault,byinquiringofhimwhathehears,bythatoranyotherway,ofthemannerinwhichmyrelationstookmyflight.Apreconcerted,forward,andartfulflight,itmustundoubtedlyappeartothem.Howgrievousisthattothinkof!yethow,aslongasIamsituated,canIputthemright?
Mostheavily,hesays,theytakeit;butshewnotsomuchgriefasrage.Andhecanhardlyhavepatiencetohearofthevirulenceandmenaces
ofmybrotheragainsthimself.Thenameritismadetomeofhisforbearance.
WhatasatisfactionamIrobbedof,mydearestfriend,whenIreflectuponmyinconsiderateness!OthatIhaditstillinmypowertosayIsufferedwrong,ratherthandidwrong!ThatothersweremorewantingintheirkindnesstomethanIduty(wheredutyisowing)tothem.
Fieuponme!formeetingtheseducer!--Letallendashappilyasitnowmay,Ihavelaidupformyselfremorseformywholelife.
Whatstillmoreconcernsmeis,thateverytimeIseethisman,Iamstillatagreaterlossthanbeforewhattomakeofhim.Iwatchevery
turnofhiscountenance:andIthinkIseeverydeeplinesinit.Helookswithmoremeaning,Iverilythink,thanheusedtolook;yetnotmoreserious;notlessgay--Idon'tknowhowhelooks--butwithmoreconfidenceagreatdealthanformerly;andyetheneverwantedthat.
Buthereisthething;Ibeholdhimwithfearnow,asconsciousofthepowermyindiscretionhasgivenhimoverme.Andwellmayhelookmoreelate,whenheseesmedeprivedofalltheself-supposedsignificance,whichadornsandexultsapersonwhohasbeenaccustomedtorespect;andwhonow,byaconsciousinferiority,allowsherselftobeovercome,andinastateofobligation,asImaysay,toamanwhofromahumblesuitortoherforherfavour,assumestheconsequenceandairsofaprotector.
Ishallsendthis,asmyformer,byapoorman,whotravelseverydaywithpedlarymatters.HewillleaveitatMrs.Knolly's,asyoudirect.
Ifyouhearanythingofmyfatherandmother,andoftheirhealth,andhowmyfriendswereaffectedbymyunhappystep,praybesogoodastowritemeafewlinesbythemessenger,ifhiswaitingforthemcanbeknowntoyou.
Iamafraidtoaskyou,Whether,uponreadingthatpartofmynarrative
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alreadyinyourhands,youthinkanysortofextenuationliesfor
YourunhappyCLARISSAHARLOWE?
LETTERVII
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.TUESDAY,WEDN.APRIL11,12.
Youclaimmypromise,thatIwillbeasparticularaspossible,inallthatpassesbetweenmeandmygoddess.Indeed,Ineverhadamoreillustrioussubjecttoexercisemypen.And,moreover,Ihaveleisure;forbyhergoodwill,myaccesswouldbeasdifficulttoher,asthatofthehumblestslavetoanEasternmonarch.Nothing,then,butinclinationtowritecanbewanting;andsinceourfriendship,andyourobligingattendanceuponmeattheWhiteHart,willnotexcusethat,Iwillendeavourtokeepmyword.
Ipartedwiththeeandthybrethren,withafullresolution,thouknowest,torejoinye,ifsheonceagaindisappointedme,inordertogotogether(attendedbyourservants,forshewsake)tothegloomyfather;
anddemandaudienceofthetyrantuponthefreedomstakenwithmycharacter.Inshort,tohavetriedbyfairresolutions,andtreathischarmingdaughterwithlessinhumanity,andmewithmorecivility.
Itoldtheemyreasonsfornotgoinginsearchofaletterofcountermand.Iwasright;forifIhad,Ishouldhavefoundsuchaone;andhadIreceivedit,shewouldnothavemetme.Didshethink,thatafterIhadbeenmorethanoncedisappointed,Iwouldnotkeephertoherpromise;thatIwouldnotholdhertoit,whenIhadgotherinsodeeply?
ThemomentIheardthedoorunbolt,Iwassureofher.Thatmotionmademyheartboundtomythroat.Butwhenthatwasfollowedwiththe
presenceofmycharmer,flashinguponmeallatonceinafloodofbrightness,sweetlydressed,thoughallunpreparedforajourney,Itrodair,andhardlythoughtmyselfamortal.
Thoushaltjudgeofherdress,asatthemomentIfirstbeheldhersheappearedtome,andas,uponanearerobservation,shereallywas.Iamacritic,thouknowest,inwomen'sdresses.ManyaonehaveItaughttodress,andhelpedtoundress.Butthereissuchanativeeleganceinthislady,thatshesurpassesallthatIcouldimaginesurpassing.Butthenherpersonadornswhatshewears,morethandresscanadornher;andthat'sherexcellence.
Expectthereforeafaintsketchofheradmirablepersonwithherdress.
Herwax-likeflesh(forafterall,fleshandbloodIthinksheis)byitsdelicacyandfirmness,answersforthesoundnessofherhealth.Thouhastoftenheardmelaunchoutinpraiseofhercomplexion.Ineverinmylifebeheldaskinssoillustriouslyfair.Thelilyandthedrivensnowitisnonsensetotalkof:herlawnandherlacesonemightindeedcomparetothose;butwhatawhitedwallwouldawomanappeartobe,whohadacomplexionwhichwouldjustifysuchunnaturalcomparisons?Butthisladyisallglowing,allcharmingfleshandblood;yetsoclear,thateverymeandringveinistobeseeninallthelovelypartsofher
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whichcustompermitstobevisible.
Thouhasheardmealsodescribethewavyringletsofhershininghair,needingneitherartnorpowder;ofitselfanornament,defyingallotherornaments;wantoninginandaboutaneckthatisbeautifulbeyonddescription.
Herhead-dresswasaBrussels-lacemob,peculiarlyadaptedtothecharmingairandturnofherfeatures.Asky-blueribbandillustratedthat.Butalthoughtheweatherwassomewhatsharp,shehadnotoneitherhatorhood;for,besidesthatshelovestouseherselfhardily(bywhichmeansandbyatemperancetrulyexemplary,sheisallowedtohavegivenhighhealthandvigourtoanoriginallytenderconstitution)sheseemstohaveintendedtoshewme,thatshewasdeterminednottostandtoherappointment.OJack!thatsuchasweetgirlshouldbearogue!
Hermorninggownwasapaleprimrose-colouredpaduasoy:thecuffsandrobinscuriouslyembroideredbythefingersofthisever-charmingArachne,inarunningpatternofvioletsandtheirleaves,thelightintheflowerssilver,goldintheleaves.Apairofdiamondsnapsinherears.Awhitehandkerchiefwroughtbythesameinimitablefingersconcealed--OBelford!whatstillmoreinimitablebeautiesdiditnotconceal!--AndIsaw,allthewaywerode,theboundingheart(byitsthrobbingmotionsIsawit!)dancingbeneathhercharmingumbrage.
Herruffleswerethesameashermob.Herapronafloweredlawn.Hercoatwhitesattin,quilted:bluesattinhershoes,braidedwiththesamecolour,withoutlace;forwhatneedhastheprettiestfootintheworldofornament?neatbucklesinthem:andonhercharmingarmsapairofblackvelvetglove-likemuffsofherowninvention;forshemakesandgivesfashionsasshepleases.--Herhandsvelvetofthemselves,thusuncoveredthefreertobegraspedbythoseofheradorer.
Ihavetoldtheewhatweremytransports,whentheundrawnboltpresentedtomemylong-expectedgoddess.Heremotionsweremoresweetlyfeminine,afterthefirstmoments;forthenthefireofherstarryeyesbegantosinkintoalessdazzlinglanguor.Shetrembled:norknew
shehowtosupporttheagitationsofaheartshehadneverfoundsoungovernable.Shewasevenfainting,whenIclaspedherinmysupportingarms.Whatapreciousmomentthat!Hownear,howsweetlynear,thethrobbingpartners!
Byherdress,Isaw,asIobservedbefore,howunpreparedshewasforajourney;andnotdoubtingherintentiononcemoretodisappointme,Iwouldhavedrawnherafterme.ThenbeganacontentionthemostvehementthateverIhadwithwoman.ItwouldpainthyfriendlyhearttobetoldtheinfinitetroubleIhadwithher.Ibegged,Iprayed;onmyknees,yetinvain,Ibeggedandprayedhertoanswerherownappointment:andhadInothappilyprovidedforsuchastruggle,knowingwhomIhadtodealwith,Ihadcertainlyfailedinmydesign;andascertainlywould
haveaccompaniedherin,withouttheeandthybrethren:andwhoknowswhatmighthavebeentheconsequence?
Butmyhonestagentansweringmysignal,thoughnotquitesosoonasIexpected,inthemannerthouknowestIhadprescribed,Theyarecoming!Theyarecoming!--Fly,fly,mybelovedcreature,criedI,drawingmyswordwithaflourish,asifIwouldhaveslainhalfanhundredofthesupposedintruders;and,seizinghertremblinghands,Idrewheraftermesoswiftly,thatmyfeet,wingedbylove,couldhardlykeeppacewithherfeet,agitatedbyfear.--AndsoIbecameheremperor.
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I'lltelltheeall,whenIseethee:andthoushaltthenjudgeofmydifficulties,andofherperverseness.Andthouwiltrejoicewithmeatmyconquestoversuchawatchfulandopen-eyedcharmer.
Butseestthounotnow(asIthinkIdo)thewindoutstrippingfaironeflyingfromherlovetoherlove?Istherenotsuchagame?--Nay,flyingfromherfriendsshewasresolvednottoabandon,tothemanshewasdeterminednottogooffwith?--Thesex!thesex,allover!--Charmingcontradiction!--Hah,hah,hah,hah!--Imusthere--Imusthere,laydownmypen,toholdmysides;forImusthavemylaughoutnowthefitisuponme.
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Ibelieve--Ibelieve--Hah,hah,hah!Ibelieve,Jack,mydogsconcludememad:forherehasoneofthempoptin,asiftoseewhatailedme,orwhomIhadwithme.Hah,hah,hah!Animpudentdog!OJack,knewestthoumyconceit,andwerebutthylaughjoinedtomine,Ibelieveitwouldholdmeforanhourlonger.
But,Omybestbelovedfairone,repinenotthouattheartsbywhich
thoususpectestthyfruitlessvigilencehasbeenoverwatched.Takecare,thatthouprovokestnotnewones,thatmaybestillmoreworthyofthee.Ifoncethyemperordecreesthyfall,thoushaltgreatlyfall.Thoushalthavecause,ifthatcometopass,whichmaycometopass(forwhywouldstthouputoffmarriagetosolongaday,astillthouhadstreasontobeconvincedofmyreformation,dearest?)thoushalthavecause,neverfear,tositdownmoredissatisfiedwiththestars,thanwiththyself.Andcometheworsttotheworst,glorioustermswillIgivethee.Thygarrison,withgeneralPrudenceatthehead,andgovernorWatchfulnessbringinguptherear,shallbeallowedtomarchoutwithallthehonoursduetosobravearesistance.Andallthysex,andallmine,thathearofmystratagems,andofthyconduct,shallacknowledgethefortressasnoblywonasdefended.
'Thouwiltnotdare,methinksIheartheesay,toattempttoreducesuchagoddessasthis,toastandardunworthyofherexcellencies.Itisimpossible,Lovelace,thatthoushouldstintenttobreakthroughoathsandprotestationssosolemn.'
ThatIdidnotintendit,iscertain.ThatIdointendit,Icannot(myheart,myreverenceforher,willnotletme)say.Butknowestthounotmyaversiontothestateofshackles?--AndisshenotINMYPOWER?
'Andwiltthou,Lovelace,abusethatpowerwhich--'
Whichwhat,Belford?WhichIobtainednotbyherownconsent,but
againstit.
'Butwhichthouneverhadstobtained,hadshenotesteemedtheeaboveallmen.'
AndwhichIhadnevertakensomuchpainstoobtain,hadInotlovedheraboveallwomen.Sofaruponapar,Jack!andifthoupleadesthonour,oughtnothonourtobemutual?Ifmutual,doesitnotimplymutualtrust,mutualconfidence?AndwhathaveIhadofthatfromhertoboastof?--Thouknowestthewholeprogressofourwarfare:forawarfareit
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hastrulybeen;andfar,veryfar,fromanamorouswarfaretoo.Doubts,mistrusts,upbraidings,onherpart;humiliationsthemostabject,onmine.Obligedtoassumesuchairsofreformation,thateveryvarletofyehasbeenafraidIshouldreclaimingoodearnest.Andhastthounotthyselffrequentlyobservedtome,howawkwardlyIreturnedtomyusualgayety,afterIhadbeenwithinamileofherfather'sgarden-wall,althoughIhadnotseenher?
Doesshenotdeservetopayforallthis?--Tomakeanhonestfellowlooklikeanhypocrite,whatavilethingisthat!
Thenthouknowestwhatafalselittlerogueshehasbeen.Howlittleconscienceshehasmadeofdisappointingme.Hastthounotbeenawitnessofmyravingsonthisscore?HaveInot,intheheightofthem,vowedrevengeuponthefaithlesscharmer?AndifImustbeforsworn,whetherIanswerherexpectations,orfollowmyowninclinations;andiftheoptionbeinmyownpower,canIhesitateamomentwhichtochoose?
Then,Ifancybyhercircumspection,andhercontinualgrief,thatsheexpectssomemischieffromme.Idon'tcaretodisappointanybodyIhaveavaluefor.
ButOthenoble,theexaltedcreature!Whocanavoidhesitatingwhenhethinksofanoffenceagainsther?Whocanbutpity--
Yet,ontheotherhand,solothatlasttoventure,thoughthreatenedtobeforcedintothenuptialfetterswithaman,whomtolookuponasarival,istodisgracemyself!--Sosullen,nowshehasventured!--Whattitlehasshetopity;andtoapitywhichherpridewouldmakeherdisclaim?
ButIresolvenotanyway.Iwillseehowherwillworks;andhowmywillleadsmeon.Iwillgivethecombatantsfairplay,andyet,everytimeIattendher,Ifindthatsheislessinmypower;Imoreinhers.
Yet,afoolishlittlerogue!toforbidmetothinkofmarriagetillIamareformedman!Tilltheimplacablesofherfamilychangetheirnatures,
andbecomeplacable!
Itistrue,whenshewasformakingthoseconditions,shedidnotthink,thatwithoutany,sheshouldbecheatedoutofherself;forsothedearsoul,asImaytelltheeinitsplace,phrasesit.
Howitswellsmypride,tohavebeenabletooutwitsuchavigilantcharmer!IamtallerbyhalfayardinmyimaginationthanIwas.Ilookdownuponeverybodynow.LastnightIwasstillmoreextravagant.Itookoffmyhat,asIwalked,toseeifthelacewerenotscorched,supposingithadbrusheddownastar;and,beforeIputitonagain,inmerewantonnessandheart'sease,Iwasforbuffetingthemoon.
Inshort,mywholesoulisjoy.WhenIgotobedIlaughmyselfasleep;andIawakeeitherlaughingorsinging--yetnothingnearlyinview,neither--Forwhy?--Iamnotyetreformedenough!
Itoldtheeatthetime,ifthourememberest,howcapablethisrestrictionwasofbeingturnedupontheover-scrupulousdearcreature,couldIoncegetheroutofherfather'shouse;andwereIdisposedtopunishherforherfamily'sfaults,andfortheinfinitetroublesheherselfhadgivenme.Littlethinksshe,thatIhavekeptanaccountofboth:andthat,whenmyheartissoft,andallherown,Icanbutturn
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tomymemoranda,andhardenmyselfatonce.
Omycharmer,looktoit!Abateofthyhaughtyairs!Valuenotthyselfuponthysincerity,ifthouartindifferenttome!Iwillnotbearitnow.ArtthounotinmyPOWER!--Nor,ifthoulovestme,think,thatthefemaleaffectationofdenyingthylove,willavailtheenow,withaheartsoproudandsojealousasmine?--Remember,moreover,thatallthyfamilysinsareuponthyhead--!
Butah!Jack,whenIseemyangel,whenIamadmittedtothepresenceofthisradiantbeauty,whatwillbecomeofallthisvapouring?
But,bemyendwhatitmay,Iamobliged,bythypenetration,fairone,toproceedbythesap.Fairandsoftly.Awifeatanytime!Marriagewillbealwaysinmypower.
Whenputtotheuniversity,thesamecourseofinitialstudieswillqualifytheyonkerfortheonelineortheother.Thegeniusoughttopointoutthefuturelawyer,divine,orphysician!--Sothesamecautiousconduct,withsuchavigilance,willdoeitherforthewife,orfortheno-wife.WhenIreform,I'llmarry.'Tistimeenoughfortheone,theladymustsay--fortheother,sayI!
ButhowIramble!--Thisistobeinsuchasituation,thatIknownot
whattoresolveupon.
I'lltelltheemyinclinings,asIproceed.Thepro'sandthecon'sI'lltellthee:butbeinggottoofarfromthetrackIsetoutin,Iwillclosehere.Imay,however,writeeverydaysomething,andsenditasopportunityoffers.
Regardless,nevertheless,IshallbeinallIwrite,ofconnection,accuracy,orofanythingbutofmyownimperialwillandpleasure.
LETTERVIII
MISSHOWE,TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWEWEDNESDAYNIGHT,APRIL12.
Ihaveyournarrative,mydear.Youarethesamenoblecreatureyoueverwere.Abovedisguise,aboveart,aboveattemptingtoextenuateafailing.
Theonlyfamilyintheworld,yours,surely,thatcouldhavedrivensuchadaughteruponsuchextremities.
Butyoumustnotbesoverymuchtoogoodforthem,andforthecase.
Youlaytheblamesoproperlyandsounsparinglyuponyourmeetinghim,thatnothingcanbeaddedtothatsubjectbyyourworstenemies,weretheytoseewhatyouhavewritten.
Iamnotsurprised,nowIhavereadyournarrative,thatsoboldandsocontrivingaman--Iamforcedtobreakoff----
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Youstooditoutmuchbetterandlonger--Hereagaincomesmybustling,jealousmother!
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Don'tbeangryatyourself.Didyounotdoforthebestatthetime?Astoyourfirstfault,theansweringhisletters;itwasalwaysincumbentuponyoutoassumetheguardianshipofsuchafamily,whenthebravoofithadrunriot,ashedid,andbroughthimselfintodanger.
Exceptyourmother,whohasnowillofherown,haveanyofthemcommonsense?
Forgiveme,mydear--HereisthatstupiduncleAntonyofyours.Apragmatical,conceitedpositive.--Hecameyesterday,inafearfulpucker,andpuffed,andblowed,andstumpedaboutourhallandparlour,whilehismessagewascarriedup.
Mymotherwasdressing.Thesewidowsareasstarchedastheoldbachelors.Shewouldnotseehiminadishabillefortheworld--Whatcan
shemeanbyit?
Hiserrandwastosetheragainstyou,andtoshewhertheirdeterminedrageonyourgoingaway.Theissueprovedtooevidentlythatthiswastheprincipalendofhisvisit.
Theoddcreaturedesiredtospeakwithheralone.Iamnotusedtosuchexceptionswheneveranyvisitsaremadetomymother.
Whenshewasprimedout,downshecametohim.Theylockedthemselvesin.Thetwopositiveheadswereputtogether--closetogetherIsuppose;forIlistened,butcouldhearnothingdistinctly,thoughtheybothseemedfulloftheirsubject.
Ihadagoodmind,onceortwice,tohavemadethemopenthedoor.CouldIhavebeensureofkeepingbuttolerablymytemper,Iwouldhavedemandedadmittance.ButIwasafraid,ifIhadobtainedit,thatIshouldhaveforgotitwasmymother'shouse,andbeenforturninghimoutofit.Tocometoraveagainstandabusemydearest,dearest,faultlessfriend!andtheravingstobeencouraged,andperhapsjoinedin,inordertojustifythemselves;theoneforcontributingtodrivethatdearfriendoutofherfather'shouse;theotherforrefusingheratemporaryasylum,tillthereconciliationcouldhavebeeneffected,whichherdutifulheartwassetupon;andwhichitwouldhavebecomethelovewhichmymotherhadeverpretendedforyou,tohavemediatedfor--CouldIhavehadpatience!
Theissue,asIsaid,shewedwhattheerrandwas--Itsfustyappearance,aftertheoldfustyfellowwasmarchedoff,[youmustexcuseme,mydear,]wasinakindofgloomy,Harlowe-likereservednessinmymother;whichuponafewresentingflirtsofmine,wasfollowedbyarigorousprohibitionofcorrespondence.
Thisputus,youmaysuppose,upontermsnotthemostagreeable,Idesiredtoknow,ifIwereprohibiteddreamingofyou?--For,mydear,youhaveallmysleepingaswellaswakinghours.
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Icaneasilyallowforyourcorrespondencewithyourwretchatfirst(andyetyournotionswereexcellent)bytheeffectthisprohibitionhasuponme;since,ifpossible,ithasmademeloveyoubetterthanbefore;andIammoredesirousthaneverofcorrespondingwithyou.
ButIhaveneverthelessamuchmorelaudablemotive--Ishouldthinkmyselftheunworthiestofcreatures,couldIbebroughttoslightadearfriend,andsuchameritoriousone,inherdistress.Iwoulddiefirst--AndsoItoldmymother.AndIhavedesiredhernottowatchmeinmyretiredhours;nortoinsistuponmylyingwithherconstantly,whichshenowdoesmoreearnestlythanever.'Twerebetter,Itoldher,thattheHarlowe-Bettywereborrowedtobesetoverme.
Mr.Hickman,whosogreatlyhonoursyou,has,unknowntome,interposedsowarmlyinyourfavourwithmymother,thatitmakesforhimnosmallmeritwithme.
Icannot,atpresent,writetoeveryparticular,unlessIwouldbeinsetdefiance.Tease,tease,tease,forever!Thesamething,thoughansweredfiftytimesover,ineveryhourtoberepeated--Lordblessme!whatalifemustmypoorfather--ButletmeremembertowhomIamwriting.
Ifthisever-active,ever-mischievousmonkeyofaman,thisLovelace,contrivedasyoususpect--Butherecomesmymotheragain--Ay,stayalittlelonger,myMamma,ifyouplease--Icanbutbesuspected!Icanbutbechiddenformakingyouwait;andchiddenIamsuretobe,whetherIdoornot,inthewayyou,mygoodMamma,areAntony'dinto.
Blessme!howimpatientsheis!Howshethundersatthedoor!Thismoment,Madam!HowcameItodouble-lockmyselfif!WhathaveIdonewiththekey!Ducetakethekey!DearMadam!Youflutteroneso!
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Youmaybelieve,mydear,thatItookcareofmypapersbeforeIopenedthedoor.Wehavehadacharmingdialogue--Sheflungfrommeinapassion--
So--What'snowtobedone?Sentfordowninaveryperemptorymanner,Iassureyou.Whatanincoherentletterwillyouhave,whenIgetittoyou!ButnowIknowwheretosendit,Mr.Hickmanshallfindmeamessenger.Yet,ifhebedetected,poorsoul,hewillbeHarlowed-off,aswellashismeekmistress.
THURSDAY,APRIL13.
Ihavethismomentyourcontinuation-letter.Andamfavoured,atpresent,withtheabsenceofmyArgus-eyesmother.--
Dearcreature!Icanaccountforallyourdifficulties.Ayoungladyofyourdelicacy!--Andwithsuchaman!--Imustbebrief----
Theman'safool,mydear,withallhispride,andwithallhiscomplaisance,andaffectedregardstoyourinjunctions.Yethisreadyinventions----
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SometimesIthinkyoushouldgotoLadyBetty's.Iknownotwhattoadviseyoutodo.--Ishould,ifyouwerenotsointentuponreconcilingyourselftoyourrelations.Yettheyareimplacable.Youcanhavenohopesofthem.Youruncle'serrandtomymothermayconvinceyouofthat;adifyouhaveananswertoyourlettertoyoursister,thatwillconfirmyou,Idaresay.
Youneednottohavebeenafraidofaskingme,Whetheruponreadingyournarrative,Ithoughtanyextenuationcouldlieforwhatyouhavedone!Ihave,asabove,beforeIhadyourquestion,toldyoumymindastothat.AndIrepeat,Ithink,yourprovocationsandinducementsconsidered,thateveryoungcreaturewaswhotooksuchastep.
Butyoutookitnot--Youweredrivenononeside,and,possibly,trickedontheother.--Ifanywomanonearthshallbecircumstancedasyouwere,andshallholdoutsolongasyoudid,againstherpersecutorsononehand,andherseducerontheother,Iwillforgiveherforalltherestofherconduct,beitwhatitwill.
Allyouracquaintance,youmaysuppose,talkofnobodybutyou.Someindeedbringyouradmirablecharacterforapleaagainstyou:butnobodydoes,orcan,acquityourfatheranduncles.
Everybodyseemsapprizedofyourbrother'sandsister'smotives.Yourflightis,nodoubt,theverythingtheyaimedtodriveyouto,bythevariousattackstheymadeuponyou;unhoping(astheymustdoallthetime)thesuccessoftheirschemesinSolmes'sbehalf.Theyknew,thatifonceyouwererestoredtofavour,thesuspendedloveofyourfatheranduncles,likeariverbreakingdownatemporaryobstruction,wouldreturnwithdoubleforce;andthatthenyouwouldexpose,andtriumphoveralltheirarts.--Andnow,Iheartheyenjoytheirsuccessfulmalice.
Yourfatherisallrageandviolence.Heought,Iamsure,toturnhisrageinward.Allyourfamilyaccuseyouofactingwithdeepart;andareputuponsupposingthatyouareactuallyeveryhourexultingoverthem,
withyourman,inthesuccessofit.
Theyallpretendnow,thatyourtrialofWednesdaywastobethelast.
Advantagewouldindeed,mymotherowns,havebeentakenofyouryielding,ifyouhadyielded.Buthadyounotbeenprevailedupon,theywouldhavegivenuptheirscheme,andtakenyourpromiseforrenouncingLovelace--Believethemwhowill!
Theyown,however,thataministerwastobepresent--Mr.Solmeswastobeathand--Andyourfatherwaspreviouslytotryhisauthorityoveryou,inordertomakeyousignthesettlements--Allofitaromanticcontrivanceofyourwild-headedfoolishbrother,Imakenodoubt.It
islikelythatheandBellwouldhavegivenwaytoyourrestorationtofavour,supposingitintheirpowertohinderit,onanyothertermsthanthosetheirheartshadbeensolongsetupon?
Howtheytookyourflight,whentheyfounditout,maybebettersupposedthandescribed.
YourauntHervey,itseems,wasthefirstthatwentdowntotheivysummer-house,inordertoacquaintyouthattheirsearchwasover.Bettyfollowedher;andtheynotfindingyouthere,wentontowardsthe
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cascade,accordingtoahintofyours.
Returningbythegarden-door,theymetaservant[theydon'tsay,itwasJosephLeman;butitisverylikelythatitwashe]running,ashesaid,frompursuingMr.Lovelace(agreathedge-stakeinhishand,andoutofbreath)toalarmthefamily.
Ifitwerethisfellow,andifhewereemployedinthedoubleagencyofcheatingthem,andcheatingyou,whatshallwethinkofthewretchyouarewith?Runawayfromhim,mydear,ifso--nomattertowhom--ormarryhim,ifyoucannot.
Yourauntandallyourfamilywereaccordinglyalarmedbythisfellow--evidentlywhentoolateforpursuit.Theygottogether,andwhenaposse,rantotheplaceofinterview;andsomeofthemasfarastothetracksofthechariotwheels,withoutstopping.Andhavingheardtheman'staleuponthespot,agenerallamentation,amutualupbraiding,andrage,andgrief,wereechoedfromthedifferentpersons,accordingtotheirdifferenttempersandconceptions.Andtheyreturnedlikefoolsastheywent.
Yourbrother,atfirst,orderedhorsesandarmedmentobegotreadyforapursuit.SolmesandyouruncleTonyweretobeoftheparty.ButyourmotherandyourauntHerveydissuadedthemfromit,forfearofadding
eviltoevil;notdoubtingbutLovelacehadtakenmeasurestosupporthimselfinwhathehaddone;andespeciallywhentheservantdeclared,thathesawyourunwithhimasfastasyoucouldsetfoottotheground;andthattherewereseveralarmedmenonhorsebackatasmalldistanceoff.
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Mymother'sabsencewasowingtohersuspicion,thattheKnolly'sweretoassistinourcorrespondence.Shemadethemavisituponit.Shedoeseverythingatonce.Andtheyhavepromised,thatnomorelettersshall
beleftthere,withoutherknowledge.
ButMr.HickmanhasengagedoneFilmer,ahusbandmaninthelanewecallFinch-lane,nearus,toreceivethem.Thitheryouwillbepleasedtodirectyours,undercover,toMr.JohnSoberton;andMr.Hickmanhimselfwillcallforthemthere;andthereshallleavemine.Itgoesagainstmetoo,tomakehimsousefultome.Helooksalreadysoprouduponit!Ishallhavehim[Whoknows?]givehimselfairs--Hehadbestconsider,thatthefavourhehasbeenlongaimingat,mayputhimintoaverydangerous,averyticklishsituation.Hethatcanoblige,maydisoblige--Happyforsomepeoplenottohaveitintheirpowertooffend!
Iwillhavepatience,ifIcan,forawhile,toseeifthesebustlingsinmymotherwillsubside--butuponmyword,Iwillnotlongbearthisusage.
SometimesIamreadytothink,thatmymothercarriesitthusonpurposetotiremeout,andtomakemethesoonermarry.IfIfindittobeso,andthatHickman,inordertomakeameritwithme,isinthelowplot,Iwillneverbearhiminmysight.
Plottingwretch,asIdoubtyourmanis,Iwishtoheaventhatyou
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weremarried,thatyoumightbravethemall,andnotbeforcedtohideyourself,andbehurriedfromoneinconvenientplacetoanother.Ichargeyou,omitnottolayholdonanyhandsomeopportunitythatmayofferforthatpurpose.
Hereagaincomesmymother--
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Welookmightyglumuponeachother,Icantellyou.ShehadnotbestHarlowemeatthisrate--Iwon'tbearit.
Ihaveavastdealtowrite.Iknownotwhattowritefirst.Yetmymindisfull,andreadytorunover.
Iamgotintoaprivatecornerofthegarden,tobeoutofherway.--Lordhelpthesemothers!--Dotheythinktheycanpreventadaughter'swriting,ordoinganythingshehasamindtodo,bysuspicion,watchfulness,andscolding?--Theyhadbetterplaceaconfidenceinonebyhalf--Agenerousmindscornstoabuseagenerousconfidence.
Youhaveanice,averyniceparttoactwiththiswretch--whoyethas,Ithink,butoneplainpathbeforehim.Ipityyou--butyoumustmakethebestofthelotyouhavebeenforcedtodraw.YetIseeyourdifficulties.--But,ifhedonotoffertoabuseyourconfidence,Iwouldhaveyouseematleasttoplacesomeinhim.
Ifyouthinknotofmarryingsoon,Iapproveofyourresolutiontofixsomewhereoutofhisreach.Andifheknownotwheretofindyou,somuchthebetter.YetIverilybelieve,theywouldforceyouback,couldtheybutcomeatyou,iftheywerenotafraidofhim.
Ithink,byallmeans,youshoulddemandofbothyourtrusteestobeputinpossessionofyourownestate.MeantimeIhavesixtyguineasatyour
service.Ibegyouwillcommandthem.Beforetheyaregone,I'lltakecareyoushallbefurthersupplied.Idon'tthinkyou'llhaveashillingorashilling'sworthofyourownfromyourrelations,unlessyouextortitfromthem.
Astheybelieveyouwentawaybyyourownconsent,theyare,itseems,equallysurprisedandgladthatyouhaveleftyourjewelsandmoneybehindyou,andhavecontrivedforclothessoill.Verylittlelikelihoodthisshewsoftheiransweringyourrequests.
IndeedeveryonewhoknowsnotwhatInowknow,mustbeatalosstoaccountforyourflight,astheywillcallit.Andhow,mydear,canonereportitwithanytolerableadvantagetoyou?--Tosay,youdidnot
intenditwhenyoumethim,whowillbelieveit?--Tosay,thatapersonofyourknownsteadinessandpunctiliowasover-persuadedwhenyougavehimthemeeting,howwillthatsound?--Tosay,youweretrickedoutofyourself,andpeopleweregivencredittoit,howdisreputable!--Andwhileunmarried,andyetwithhim,themanamanofsuchacharacter,whatwoulditnotleadacensuringworldtothink?
Iwanttoseehowyouputitinyourletterforyourclothes.
Asyoumaydependuponallthelittlespitefulthingstheycanoffer,
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insteadofsendingwhatyouwritefor,prayacceptthesumthatItender.Whatwillseenguineasdo?--AndIwillfindawaytosendyoualsoanyofmyclothesandlinenforpresentsupply.Ibeg,mydearClarissa,thatyouwillnotputyourAnnaHoweuponafootingwithLovelace,inrefusingtoacceptofmyoffer.Ifyoudonotobligeme,Ishallbeapttothinkyouratherinclinetobeobligedtohim,thantofavourme.AndifIfindthis,Ishallnotknowhowtoreconcileitwithyourdelicacyinotherrespects.
Prayinformmeofeverythingthatpassesbetweenyouandhim.Mycaresforyou(howeverneedless,fromyourownprudence)makemewishyoutocontinuetobeeveryminute.IfanythingoccurthatyouwouldtellmeofifIwerepresent,failnottoputitdowninwriting,althoughfromyournaturaldiffidence,itshouldnotappeartoyoualtogethersoworthyofyourpen,ormyknowing.Astander-bymayseemoreofthegamethanonethatplays.Greatconsequences,likegreatfolks,generallyowetheirgreatnesstosmallcauses,andlittleincidents.
Uponthewhole,Idonotnowthinkitisinyourpowertodismisshimwhenyouplease.Iapprizedyoubeforehand,thatitwouldnot.Irepeat,therefore,thatwereIyou,Iwouldatleastseemtoplacesomeconfidenceinhim.Solongasheisdecent,youmay.Veryvisiblyobservable,tosuchdelicacyasyours,mustbethatbehaviourinhim,whichwillmakehimunworthyofsomeconfidence.
Yourrelations,accordingtowhatoldAntonysaystomymother,andshetome,(bywayofthreatening,thatyouwillnotgainyoursupposedendsuponthembyyourflight,)seemtoexpectthatyouwillthrowyourselfintoLadyBetty'sprotection;andthatshewilloffertomediateforyou.Andtheyvow,thattheywillneverhearkentoanytermsofaccommodationthatshallcomefromthatquarter;forIdareaver,thatyourbrotherandsisterwillnotletthemcool--atleast,tilltheiruncleshavemadesuchdispositions,andperhapsyourfathertoo,astheywouldhavethemmake.
Asthisletterwillapprizeyouofanalterationintheplacetowhichyoumustdirectyournext,IsenditbyafriendofMr.Hickman,whomay
bedependedupon.HehasbusinessintheneighbourhoodofMrs.Sorlings;andheknowsher.HewillreturntoMr.Hickmanthisnight;andbringbackanyletteryoushallhavereadytosend,orcangetready.Itismoon-light.He'llnotmindwaitingforyou.IchoosenottosendbyanyofMr.Hickman'sservants--atpresent,however.Everyhourisnow,ormaybe,important;andmaymakeanalterationinyourresolutionsnecessary.
Ihearatthisinstant,mymothercallingabouther,andputtingeverybodyintomotion.Shewillsoon,Isuppose,makemeandmyemploymentthesubjectsofherinquiry.
Adieu,mydear.Mayheavenpreserveyou,andrestoreyouwithhonouras
unsulliedasyourmindto
YoureveraffectionateANNAHOWE.
LETTERIX
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWETHURSDAYAFTERNOON,APRIL13.
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Iaminfinitelyconcerned,myeverdearandeverkindfriend,thatIamthesadoccasionofthedispleasurebetweenyourmotherandyou.--HowmanypersonshaveImadeunhappy.
HadInottoconsolemyself,thatmyerrorisnotowingtowickedprecipitation,Ishouldbethemostmiserableofallcreatures.Asitis,Iamenoughpunishedinthelossofmycharacter,morevaluabletomethanmylife;andinthecrueldoubtsandperplexitieswhich,conflictingwithmyhopes,andeachgettingthevictorybyturns,harrowupmysoulbetweenthem.
Ithink,however,thatyoushouldobeyyourmother,anddeclineacorrespondencewithme;atleastforthepresent.Takecarehowyoufallintomyerror;forthatbegunwithcarryingonaprohibitedcorrespondence;acorrespondencewhichIthoughtitinmypowertodiscontinueatpleasure.Mytalentisscribbling;andIthereadierfellintothisfreedom,asIfounddelightinwriting;havingmotivestoo,whichIthoughtlaudable;and,atonetime,thepermissionofallmyfriends;towritetohim.*
*SeeVol.I.LetterIII.
Yet,astothiscorrespondence,Whathurtcouldarisefromit,ifyourmothercouldbeprevailedupontopermitittobecontinued?--Somuchprudenceanddiscretionasyouhave;andyou,inwritingtome,lyingundernotemptationoffollowingsobadanexampleasIhaveset--myletterstoooccasionallyfilledwithself-accusation.
Ithankyou,mydear,mostcordiallyIthankyou,foryourkindoffers.Youmaybeassured,thatIwillsoonerbebeholdentoyou,thantoanybodyliving.ToMr.Lovelacethelast.Donotthereforethink,thatbydecliningyourfavours,Ihaveanintentiontolaymyselfunderobligationstohim.
Iamwillingtohope(notwithstandingwhatyouwrite)thatmyfriendswillsendmemylittlemoney,togetherwithmyclothes.Theyaretooconsiderate,someofthematleast,topermitthatIshouldbeputtosuchlowdifficulties.Perhaps,theywillnotbeinhastetoobligeme.But,ifnot,Icannotyetwant.Ibelieveyouthink,ImustnotdisputewithMr.Lovelacetheexpensesoftheroadandlodgings,tillIcangetafixedabode.ButIhopesoontoputanendeventothosesmallsortofobligations.
Smallhopesindeedofareconciliationfromyouraccountofmyuncle'svisittoyourmother,inordertosetheragainstanalmostfriendlesscreaturewhomonceheloved!Butisitnotmydutytotryforit?
OughtItowidenmyerrorbyobstinacyandresentment,becauseoftheirresentment;whichmustappearreasonabletothem,astheysupposemyflightpremeditated;andastheyaremadetobelieve,thatIamcapableoftriumphinginit,andoverthem,withthemantheyhate?WhenIhavedoneallinmypowertorestoremyselftotheirfavour,Ishallhavethelesstoreproachmyselfwith.
Theseconsiderationsmakemewaveraboutfollowingyouradvice,inrelationtomarriage;andtherather,asheissofullofcomplaisancewithregardtomyformerconditions,whichhecallsmyinjunctions.
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NorcanInow,thatmyfriends,asyouinformme,havesostrenuouslydeclaredagainstacceptingofthemediationoftheladiesofMr.Lovelace'sfamily,putmyselfintotheirprotection,unlessIamresolvedtogiveupallhopesofareconciliationwithmyown.
Yetifanyhappyintroductioncouldbethoughtoftoeffectthisdesirablepurpose,howshalltermsbeproposedtomyfather,whilethismaniswithme,ornearme?Ontheotherhand,shouldtheyinhisabsencegetmebackbyforce,(andthis,youareofopinion,theywouldattempttodo,butinfearofhim,)howwilltheirseverestactsofcompulsionbejustifiedbymyflightfromthem!--Meanwhile,towhatcensures,asyouremindme,doIexposemyself,whileheandIaretogetherandunmarried!--Yet[canIwithpatienceaskthequestion?]Isitinmypower?--OmydearMissHowe!AndamIsoreduced,asthat,tosavethepoorremainsofmyreputationintheworld'seye,Imustwatchthegraciousmotionfromthisman'slips?
WeremycousinMordeninEngland,allmightstillperhapsbedeterminedhappily.
Ifnoothermediationthanthiscanbeprocuredtosetonfootthewished-forreconciliation,andifmysituationwithMr.Lovelacealternotintheinterim,Imustendeavourtokeepmyselfinastateofindependencetillhearrive,thatImaybeatlibertytogovernmyself
byhisadviceanddirection.
Iwillacquaintyou,asyoudesire,withallthatpassesbetweenMr.Lovelaceandme.HithertoIhavenotdiscoveredanythinginhisbehaviourthatisveryexceptionable.YetIcannotsay,thatIthinktherespectheshewsme,aneasy,unrestrained,andnaturalrespect,althoughIcanhardlytellwherethefaultis.
Buthehasdoubtlessanarrogantandencroachingspirit.Norishesopoliteashiseducation,andotheradvantages,mighthavemadeoneexpecthimtobe.Heseems,inshort,tobeone,whohasalwayshadtoomuchofhisownwilltostudytoaccommodatehimselftothatofothers.
Astotheplacingofsomeconfidenceinhim,Ishallbeasreadytotakeyouradviceinthisparticular,asinallothers,andashewillbetodeserveit.ButtrickedawayasIwasbyhim,notonlyagainstmyjudgment,butmyinclination,canhe,oranybody,expect,thatIshouldimmediatelytreathimwithcomplaisance,asifIacknowledgedobligationtohimforcarryingmeaway?--IfIdid,musthenoteitherthinkheaviledissemblerbeforehegainedthatpoint,orafterwards?
Indeed,indeed,mydear,Icouldtearmyhair,onreconsideringwhatyouwrite(astotheprobabilitythatthedreadedWednesdaywasmoredreadedthanitneededtobe)tothink,thatIshouldbethustrickedbythisman;andthat,inalllikelihood,throughhisvileagentJosephLeman.Sopremeditatedandelaborateawickednessasitmustbe!--MustI
not,withsuchaman,bewantingtomyself,ifIwerenotjealousandvigilant?--Yetwhatalifetoliveforaspiritsoopen,andnaturallysounsuspicious,asmine?
IamobligedtoMr.Hickmanfortheassistanceheissokindlyreadytogivetoourcorrespondence.Heissolittlelikelytomaketohimselfanadditionalmeritwiththedaughteruponit,thatIshallbeverysorry,ifheriskanythingwiththemotherbyit.
Iamnowinastateofobligation:somustrestsatisfiedwithwhatever
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Icannothelp.WhomhaveIthepower,oncesoprecioustome,ofobliging?--WhatImean,mydear,is,thatIought,perhaps,toexpect,thatmyinfluencesoveryouareweakenedbymyindiscretion.Nevertheless,Iwillnot,ifIcanhelpit,desertmyself,norgiveuptheprivilegeyouusedtoallowme,oftellingyouwhatIthinkofsuchpartsofyourconductasImaynotapprove.
Youmustpermitmetherefore,severeasyourmotherisagainstanundesigningoffender,tosaythatIthinkyourlivelinesstoherinexcusable--topassover,forthistime,whatneverthelessconcernsmenotalittle,thefreetreatmentyoualmostindiscriminatelygivetomyrelations.
Ifyouwillnot,foryourduty'ssake,forbearyourtauntingsandimpatience,letmebeseechyou,thatyouwillformine.--Sinceotherwise,yourmothermayapprehendthatmyexample,likealeaven,isworkingitselfintothemindofherbeloveddaughter.Andmaynotsuchanapprehensiongiveheranirreconcilabledispleasureagainstme?
Ienclosethecopyofmylettertomysister,whichyouaredesiroustosee.Youwillobserve,thatalthoughIhavenotdemandedmyestateinform,andofmytrustees,yetthatIhavehintedatleavetoretiretoit.HowjoyfullywouldIkeepmyword,iftheywouldacceptoftheofferIrenew!--Itwasnotproper,Ibelieveyouwillthink,onmanyaccounts,
toownthatIwascarriedoffagainstmyinclination.Iam,mydearestfriend,
Youreverobligedandaffectionate,CL.HARLOWE.
LETTERX
TOMISSARABELLAHARLOWE[ENCLOSEDTOMISSHOWEINTHEPRECEDING.]ST.ALBAN'S,APR.11.
MYDEARSISTER,
Ihave,Iconfess,beenguiltyofanactionwhichcarrieswithitarashandundutifulappearance.AndIshouldhavethoughtitaninexcusableone,hadIbeenusedwithlessseveritythanIhavebeenoflate;andhadInothadtoogreatreasontoapprehend,thatIwastobemadeasacrificetoamanIcouldnotbeartothinkof.Butwhatisdone,isdone--perhapsIcouldwishithadnot;andthatIhadtrustedtotherelentingofmydearandhonourableparents.--Yetthisfromnoothermotivesbutthoseofdutytothem.--TowhomIamreadytoreturn(ifImaynotbepermittedtoretiretoTheGrove)onconditionswhichIbeforeofferedtocomplywith.
NorshallIbeinanysortofdependenceuponthepersonbywhosemeansIhavetakenthistruly-reluctantstep,inconsistentwithanyreasonableengagementIshallenterinto,ifIamnotfurtherprecipitated.Letmenothaveittosay,nowatthisimportantcrisis!thatIhaveasister,butnotafriendinthatsister.Myreputation,dearertomethanlife,(whateveryoumayimaginefromthestepIhavetaken,)issuffering.Alittlelenitywill,evenyet,inagreatmeasure,restoreit,andmakethatpassforatemporarymisunderstandingonly,whichotherwisewillbeastainasdurableaslife,uponacreaturewhohasalreadybeentreated
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withgreatunkindness,tousenoharsheraword.
Foryourownsaketherefore,formybrother'ssake,bywhom(Imustsay)Ihavebeenthusprecipitated,andforallthefamily'ssake,aggravatenotmyfault,if,onrecollectingeverything,youthinkitone;norbywideningtheunhappydifference,exposeasisterforever--prays
YouraffectionateCL.HARLOWE.
Ishalltakeitforaverygreatfavourtohavemyclothesdirectlysentme,togetherwithfiftyguineas,whichyouwillfindinmyescritoire(ofwhichIenclosethekey);asalsoofthedivinityandmiscellanyclassesofmylittlelibrary;and,ifitbethoughtfit,myjewels--directedforme,tobelefttillcalledfor,atMr.Osgood's,nearSoho-square.
LETTERXI
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.
Mr.Lovelace,incontinuationofhislastletter,(No.VII.)givesanaccounttohisfriend(prettymuchtothesameeffectwiththelady's)ofallthatpassedbetweenthemattheinns,inthejourney,andtilltheirfixingatMrs.Sorling's;toavoidrepetition,thosepassagesinhisnarrativeareextracted,whichwillservetoembellishher's;toopenhisviews;ortodisplaythehumouroustalenthewasnotedfor.
AttheiralightingattheinnatSt.Alban'sonMondaynight,thushewrites:
Thepeoplewhocameaboutus,aswealighted,seemedbytheirjaw-fallenfaces,andgogglingeyes,towonderatbeholdingacharmingyounglady,majestyinherairandaspect,socomposedlydressed,yetwithfeaturessodiscomposed,comeoffajourneywhichmadethecattlesmoke,andtheservantssweat.Ireadtheircuriosityintheirfaces,andmybeloved'suneasinessinher's.Shecastaconsciousglance,asshealighted,uponherhabit,whichwasnohabit;andrepulsively,asImaysay,quittingmyassistinghand,hurriedintothehouse.*****
Ovidwasnotagreatermasterofmetamorphosesthanthyfriend.TothemistressofthehouseIinstantlychangedherintoasister,broughtoffbysurprisefromanearrelation's,(whereshehadwintered,)topreventhermarryingaconfoundedrake,[Ilovealwaystogoasnearthetruth
asIcan,]whomherfatherandmother,hereldersister,andallherlovinguncles,aunts,andcousinsabhorred.Thisaccountedformycharmer'sexpectedsullens;forherdispleasurewhenshewastojoinmeagain,wereittohold;forherunsuitabledressupontheroad;and,atthesametime,gaveheraproperandseasonableassuranceofmyhonourableviews.
Uponthedebatebetweentheladyandhim,andparticularlyuponthatpartwheresheupbraidshimwithputtingayoungcreatureuponmakinga
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sacrificeofherdutyandconscience,hewrite:
Allthese,andstillmoremortifyingthings,shesaid.
Iheardherinsilence.Butwhenitcametomyturn,Ipleaded,Iargued,Iansweredher,aswellasIcould.--Andwhenhumilitywouldnotdo,Iraisedmyvoice,andsufferedmyeyestosparklewithanger;hopingtotakeadvantageofthatsweetcowardicewhichissoamiableinthesex,andtowhichmyvictoryoverthisproudbeautyisprincipallyowing.
Shewasnotintimidated,however,andwasgoingtoriseuponmeinhertemper;andwouldhavebrokeninuponmydefence.Butwhenamantalkstoawomanuponsuchsubjects,letherbeeversomuchinalt,'tisstrange,ifhecannotthrowoutatubtothewhale;--thatistosay,ifhecannotdivertherfromresentingoneboldthing,byutteringtwoorthreefullasbold;butforwhichmorefavourableinterpretationswilllie.
Tothatpart,whereshetellshimofthedifficultyshemadetocorrespondwithhimatfirst,thushewrites:
Verytrue,myprecious!--Andinnumerablehavebeenthedifficultiesthouhastmademestrugglewith.Butonedaythoumayestwish,thatthouhadstsparedthisboast;aswellasthoseotherprettyhaughtinesses,'ThatthoudidstnotrejectSolmesformysake:thatmyglory,ifIvaluedmyselfuponcarryingtheeoff,wasthyshame:thatIhavemoremeritwithmyselfthanwiththee,oranybodyelse:[whatacoxcombshemakesme,Jack!]thatthouwishestthyselfinthyfather'shouseagain,whateverweretobetheconsequence.'--IfIforgivethee,charmer,forthesehints,forthesereflections,forthesewishes,forthesecontempts,IamnottheLovelaceIhavebeenreputedtobe;andthatthytreatmentofmeshewsthatthouthinkestIam.
Inshort,herwholeairthroughoutthisdebateexpressedamajestickindofindignation,whichimpliedabelievedsuperiorityoftalentsoverthepersontowhomshespoke.
Thouhastheardmeoftenexpatiateuponthepitifulfigureamanmustmake,whosewifehas,orbelievesshehas,moresensethanhimself.AthousandreasonscouldIgivewhyIoughtnottothinkofmarryingMissClarissaHarlowe;atleasttillIcanbesure,thatshelovesmewiththepreferenceImustexpectfromawife.
Ibegintostaggerinmyresolutions.EveraverseasIwastothehymenealshackles,howeasilywillprejudicesrecur!HeavengivemethehearttobehonesttomyClarissa!--There'saprayer,Jack!IfIshould
notbeheard,whatasadthingwouldthatbe,forthemostadmirableofwomen!--Yet,asIdonooftentroubleHeavenwithmyprayers,whoknowsbutthismaybegranted?
Butthereliebeforemesuchcharmingdifficulties,suchsceneryforintrigue,forstratagem,forenterprize.Whatahorriblething,thatmytalentspointallthatway!--WhenIknowwhatishonourableandjust;andwouldalmostwishtobehonest?--Almost,Isay;forsuchavarletamI,thatIcannotaltogetherwishit,forthesoulofme!--Suchatriumphoverthewholesex,ifIcansubduethislady!Mymaidenvow,asImay
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callit!--Fordidnotthesexbeginwithme?Anddoesthisladyspareme?Thinkestthou,Jack,thatIshouldhavesparedmyRosebud,hadIbeensetatdefiancethus?--Hergrandmotherbesoughtme,atfirst,tospareherRosebud:andwhenagirlisput,orputsherselfintoaman'spower,whatcanhewishforfurther?whileIalwaysconsideredoppositionandresistanceasachallengetodomyworst.*
*SeeVol.I.LetterXXXIV.
Why,why,willthedearcreaturetakesuchpainstoappearallicetome?--Whywillshe,byherpride,awakenmine?--Hastthounotseen,intheabove,howcontemptiblyshetreatsme?--WhathaveInotsufferedforher,andevenfromher!--OughtItobearbeingtold,thatshewilldespiseme,ifIvaluemyselfabovethatodiousSolmes?
Thenshecutsmeshortinallmyardours.Tovowfidelity,isbyacursedturnuponme,toshew,thatthereisreason,inmyownopinion,fordoubtofit.Theverysamereflectionuponmeoncebefore.*
*SeeVol.II.LetterXIII.
Inmypower,oroutofmypower,allonetothislady.--So,Belford,mypoorvowsarecrammeddownmythroat,beforetheycanwellrisetomylips.Andwhatcanaloversaytohismistress,ifshewillneitherlethimlienorswear?
OnelittlepieceofartificeIhadrecourseto:Whenshepushedsohardformetoleaveher,Imadearequesttoher,uponaconditionshecouldnotrefuse;andpretendedasmuchgratitudeuponhergrantingit,asifitwereafavourofthelastconsequence.
Andwhatwasthis?buttopromisewhatshehadbeforepromised,'Nevertomarryanyotherman,whileIamliving,andsingle,unlessIshould
givehercauseforhighdisgustagainstme.'This,youknow,waspromisingnothing,becauseshecouldbeoffendedatanytime,andwastobethesolejudgeoftheoffence.Butitshewedherhowreasonableandjustmyexpectationswere;andthatIwasnoencroacher.
Sheconsented;andaskedwhatsecurityIexpected?Herwordonly.
Shegavemeherword:butIbesoughtherexcuseforsealingit:andinthesamemoment(sincetohavewaitedforconsentwouldhavebeenaskingforadenial)salutedher.And,believeme,ornot,but,asIhopetolive,itwasthefirsttimeIhadthecouragetotouchhercharminglipswithmine.AndthisItellthee,Belford,thatthatsinglepressure(asmodestlyputtoo,asifIwereasmuchavirginasherself,thatshe
mightnotbeafraidofmeanothertime)delightedmemorethaneverIwasdelightedbytheultimatumwithanyotherwoman.--Sopreciousdoawe,reverence,andapprehendedprohibition,makeafavour!
Andnow,Belford,IamonlyafraidthatIshallbetoocunning;forshedoesnotatpresenttalkenoughforme.Ihardlyknowwhattomakeofthedearcreatureyet.
Itoptthebrother'spartonMondaynightbeforethelandladyatSt.Alban's;askingmysister'spardonforcarryingheroffsounprepared
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forajourney;pratedofthejoymyfatherandmother,andallourfriends,wouldhaveinreceivingher;andthiswithsomanycircumstances,thatIperceived,byalookshegaveme,thatwentthroughmyveryreins,thatIhadgonetoofar.Iapologizedforitindeedwhenalone;butcouldnotpenetrateforthesoulofme,whetherImadethematterbetterorworsebyit.
ButIamoftoofrankanature:mysuccess,andthejoyIhavebecauseofthejewelIamhalfinpossessionof,hasnotonlyunlockedmybosom,butleftthedoorquiteopen.
Thisisaconfoundedslysex.Wouldshebutspeakout,asIdo--butImustlearnreservesofher.
Shemustneedsbeunprovidedofmoney:buthastoomuchpridetoacceptofanyfromme.Iwouldhavehadhergototown[totown,ifpossible,mustIgethertoconsenttogo]inordertoprovideherselfwiththerichestofsilkswhichthatcanafford.Butneitheristhistobeassentedto.Andyet,asmyintelligenceracquaintsme,herimplacablerelationsareresolvedtodistressheralltheycan.
Thesewretcheshavebeenmostgloriouslyraving,eversinceherflight;andstill,thankHeaven,continuetorave;andwill,Ihope,foratwelvemonthtocome.Now,atlast,itismyday!
Bitterlydotheyregret,thattheypermittedherpoultry-visits,andgarden-walks,whichgavehertheopportunitytoeffectanescapewhichtheysupposepreconcerted.For,astoherdiningintheivy-bower,theyhadacunningdesigntoansweruponherinthatpermission,asBettytoldJosephherlover.*
*Vol.II.LetterXLVII.paragr.37,38.
Theylost,theysay,andexcellentpretenceforconfininghermorecloselyonmythreateningtorescueher,iftheyofferedtocarryher
againstherwilltooldAntony'smoatedhouse.*Forthis,asItoldtheeattheHart,andasIoncehintedtothedearcreatureherself,**theyhaditindeliberationtodo;apprehending,thatImightattempttocarryheroff,eitherwithorwithoutherconsent,onsomeoneofthoseconnived-atexcursions.
*Ibid.Let.XXXVI.andLet.XXXIX.par.I.**Ibid.Let.XXXVI.par.4.SeealsoLet.XV.par.3.
ButheremyhonestJoseph,whogavemetheinformation,wasofadmirableservicetome.IhadtaughthimtomaketheHarlowesbelieve,thatIwas
ascommunicativetomyservants,astheirstupidJameswastoJoseph:*Joseph,astheysupposed,bytamperingwithWill,**gotallmysecrets,andwasacquaintedwithallmymotions:andhavingalsoundertakentowatchallthoseofhisyounglady,*****thewisefamilyweresecure;andsowasmybeloved;andsowasI.
*Ibid.LetterXLVII.par.6,and39.**ThiswillbefartherexplainedinLetterXXI.ofthisvolume.*****SeeVol.I.LettersXXXI.andXXXIV.
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Ioncehaditinmyhead(andIhintedittothee*inaformer)incasesuchastepshouldbenecessary,toattempttocarryheroffbysurprisefromthewood-house;asitisremotefromthedwelling-house.This,hadIattempted,Ishouldhavecertainlyeffected,bythehelpoftheconfraternity:anditwouldhavebeenanactionworthyofusall.--ButJoseph'sconscience,ashecalledit,stoodinmyway;forhethoughtitmusthavebeenknowntobedonebyhisconnivance.Icould,Idaresay,haveovercomethisscruple,aseasilyasIdidmanyoftheothers,hadInotdependedatonetimeuponhermeetingmeatmidnightorlatehour[and,ifshehad,sheneverwouldhavegoneback];atothertimes,uponthecunningfamily'sdoingmyworkforme,equallyagainsttheirknowledgeortheirwills.
*SeeVol.I.LetterXXXV.
ForwellIknew,thatJamesandArabellaweredeterminednevertoleaveofftheirfoolishtrialsandprovocations,till,bytiringherout,theyhadeithermadeherSolmes'swife,orguiltyofsomesuchrashnessasshouldthrowherforeveroutofthefavourofbothheruncles;thoughtheyhadtoomuchmaliceintheirheadstointendservicetomebytheir
persecutionsofher.
LETTERXII
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.[INCONTINUATION.]
Iobligedthedearcreaturehighly,Icouldperceive,bybringingMrs.Gremetoattendher,andtosufferthatgoodwoman'srecommendationoflodgingstotakeplace,onherrefusaltogotoTheLawn.
Shemustbelieveallmyviewstobehonourable,whenIhadprovidedforhernoparticularlodgings,leavingittoherchoice,whethershewouldgotoM.Hall,toTheLawn,toLondon,ortoeitherofthedowagersofmyfamily.
ShewasvisiblypleasedwithmymotionofputtingMrs.Gremeintothechaisewithher,andridingonhorsebackmyself.
SomepeoplewouldhavebeenapprehensiveofwhatmightpassbetweenherandMrs.Greme.Butasallmyrelationseitherknoworbelievethejusticeofmyintentionsbyher,Iwasinnopainonthataccount;andtheless,asIhavealwaysbeenabovehypocrisy,orwishingtobe
thoughtbetterthanIam.Andindeed,whatoccasionhasamantobeanhypocrite,whohashithertofoundhisviewsuponthesexbetteransweredforhisbeingknowntobearake?Why,evenmybelovedheredeniednottocorrespondwithme,thoughherfriendshadtaughthertothinkmealibertine--Whothenwouldbetryinganewandworsecharacter?
AndthenMrs.Gremeisapiousmatron,andwouldnothavebeenbiasedagainsttruthonanyconsideration.Sheusedformerly,whiletherewereanyhopesofmyreformation,toprayforme.Shehardlycontinuesthegoodcustom,Idoubt;forherworthylordmakesnoscrupleoccasionally
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toraveagainstmetoman,woman,andchild,astheycomeinhisway.Heisveryundutiful,asthouknowest.Surely,Imaysayso;sincealldutiesarereciprocal.ButforMrs.Greme,poorwoman!whenmylordhasthegout,andisatTheLawn,andthechaplainnottobefound,shepraysbyhim,orreadsachaptertohimintheBible,orsomeothergoodbook.
Wasitnotthereforerighttointroducesuchagoodsortofwomantothedearcreature;andtoleavethem,withoutreserve,totheirowntalk!--AndverybusyintalkIsawtheywere,astheyrode;andfeltittoo;formostcharminglyglowedmycheeks.
IhopeIshallbehonest,Ioncemoresay:butaswefrailmortalsarenotourownmastersatalltimes,Imustendeavourtokeepthedearcreatureunapprehensive,untilIcangethertoouracquaintance'sinLondon,ortosomeothersafeplacethere.ShouldI,intheinterim,givehertheleastroomforsuspicion;oroffertorestrainher;shecanmakeherappealstostrangers,andcallthecountryinuponme;and,perhaps,throwherselfuponherrelationsontheirownterms.AndwereInowtoloseher,howunworthyshouldIbetobetheprinceandleaderofsuchaconfraternityasours!--Howunabletolookupamongmen!ortoshewmyfaceamongwomen!
Asthingsatpresentstand,shedarenotownthatshewentoffagainst
herownconsent;andIhavetakencaretomakealltheimplacablesbelieve,thatsheescapedwithit.
ShehasreceivedananswerfromMissHowe,totheletterwrittentoherfromSt.Alban's.*
*SeeVol.II.LetterXLVIII.
Whateverarethecontents,Iknownot;butshewasdrownedintearsontheperusalofit.AndIamthesufferer.
MissHoweisacharmingcreaturetoo;butconfoundedlysmartandspiritful.Iamagooddealafraidofher.Hermothercanhardlykeepherin.ImustcontinuetoplayoffoldAntony,bymyhonestJoseph,uponthatmother,inordertomanagethatdaughter,andobligemybelovedtoanabsolutedependenceuponmyself.*
*SeeVol.I.LetterXXXI.
Mrs.Howeisimpatientofcontradiction.SoisMiss.Ayoungladywhoissensiblethatshehasallthematerialsrequisitesherself,tobeundermaternalcontroul;--finegroundforamanofintriguetobuildupon!--A
motherover-notable;adaughterover-sensible;andtheirHickman,whois--over-neither:butmerelyapassive--
OnlythatIhaveanobjectstillmoredesirable--!
Yethowunhappy,thatthesetwoyoungladieslivedsoneareachother,andaresowellacquainted!ElsehowcharminglymightIhavemanagedthemboth!
Butonemancannothaveeverywomanworthhaving--Pitythough--whenthe
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manissuchaVERYcleverfellow!
LETTERXIII
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.[INCONTINUATION.]
Neverwastheresuchapairofscribblingloversaswe;--yetperhapswhomitsomuchconcernstokeepfromeachotherwhateachwrites.Shewon'thaveanythingelsetodo.Iwould,ifshe'dletme.Iamnotreformedenoughforahusband.--Patienceisavirtue,LordM.says.Slowandsure,isanotherofhissentences.IfIhadnotagreatdealofthatvirtue,IshouldnothavewaitedtheHarlowesowntimeofripeningintoexecutionmyplotsuponthemselvesandupontheirgoddessdaughter.
Mybelovedhasbeenwritingtohersaucyfriend,Ibelieve,allthathasbefallenher,andwhathaspassedbetweenushitherto.Shewillpossiblyhavefinesubjectsforherpen,ifshebeasminuteasIam.
IwouldnotbesobarbarousastopermitoldAntonytosetMrs.Howeagainsther,didInotdreadtheconsequencesofthecorrespondence
betweenthetwoyoungladies.Solivelytheone,sovigilant,soprudentboth,whowouldnotwishtooutwitsuchgirls,andtobeabletotwirlthemroundhisfinger?
Mycharmerhaswrittentohersisterforherclothes,forsomegold,andforsomeofherbooks.Whatbookscantellhermorethansheknows?ButIcan.Soshehadbetterstudyme.
Shemaywrite.Shemustbeobligedtomeatlast,withallherpride.MissHoweindeedwillbereadyenoughtosupplyher;butIquestion,whethershecandoitwithouthermother,whoisascovetousasthegrave.Andmyagent'sagent,oldAntony,hasalreadygiventhemotherahintwhichwillmakeherjealousofpecuniaries.
Besides,ifMissHowehasmoneybyher,Icanputhermotheruponborrowingitofher:norblameme,Jack,forcontrivancesthathavetheirfoundationingenerosity.Thouknowestmyspirit;andthatIshouldbeproudtolayanobligationuponmycharmertotheamountofhalf,nay,tothewholeofmyestate.LordM.hasmoreformethanIcaneverwishfor.Mypredominantpassionisgirl,notgold;norvalueIthis,butasithelpsmetothat,andgivesmeindependence.
Iwasforcedtoputitintothesweetnovice'shead,aswellformysakeasforhers(lestweshouldbetraceablebyherdirection)whithertodirectthesendingofherclothes,iftheyinclinetodoherthatsmallpieceofjustice.
IftheydoIshallbegintodreadareconciliation;andmustbeforcedtomuseforacontrivanceortwotopreventit,andtoavoidmischief.Forthat(asIhavetoldhonestJosephLeman)isagreatpointwithme.
Thouwiltthinkmeasadfellow,Idoubt.Butarenotallrakessadfellows?--Andartnotthou,tothylittlepower,asbadasany?Ifthoudostallthat'sinthyheadandinthyhearttodo,thouartworsethanI;forIdonot,Iassureyou.
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Iproposed,andsheconsented,thatherclothes,orwhateverelseherrelationsshouldthinkfittosendher,shouldbedirectedtothycousinOsgood's.Letaspecialmessenger,atmycharge,bringmeanyletter,orportableparcel,thatshallcome.Ifnotportable,givemenoticeofit.Butthou'lthavenotroubleofthissortfromherrelations,Idarebesworn.Andinthisassurance,Iwillleavethem,Ithink,toactupontheirownheads.Amanwouldhavenomoretoanswerforthanneedsmust.
Butonething,whileIthinkofit;whichisofgreatimportancetobeattendedto--Youmusthereafterwritetomeincharacter,asIshalldotoyou.Itwouldbeaconfoundedthingtobeblownupbyatrainofmyownlaying.Andwhoknowswhatopportunitiesamaninlovemayhaveagainsthimself?Inchangingacoatorwaistcoat,somethingmightbeforgotten.Ioncesufferedthatway.Thenforthesex'scuriosity,itisbutremembering,inordertoguardagainstit,thatthenameoftheircommonmotherwasEve.
Anotherthingremember;Ihavechangedmyname:changeditwithoutanactofparliament.'RobertHuntingford'itisnow.ContinueEsquire.Itisarespectableaddition,althougheverysorryfellowassumesit,almosttothebanishmentoftheusualtravelingoneofCaptain.'Tobelefttillcalledfor,atthepost-houseatHertford.'
Uponnamingthee,sheaskedthycharacter.Igavetheeabetterthan
thoudeservest,inordertodocredittomyself.YetItoldher,thatthouwertanawkwardfellow;andthistodocredittothee,thatshemaynot,ifevershebetoseethee,expectacleverermanthanshe'llfind.Yetthyapparentawkwardnessbefriendstheenotalittle:forwertthouasightlymortal,peoplewoulddiscovernothingextraordinaryinthee,whentheyconversedwiththee:whereas,seeingabear,theyaresurprisedtofindintheeanythingthatislikeaman.Felicitatethyselfthenuponthydefects;whichareevidentlythyprincipalperfections;andwhichoccasiontheeadistinctionwhichotherwisethouwouldstneverhave.
Thelodgingsweareinatpresentarenotconvenient.Iwassodelicateastofindfaultwiththem,ascommunicatingwitheachother,because
Iknewshewould;andtoldher,thatwereIsureshewassafefrompursuit,Iwouldleaveherinthem,(sincesuchwasherearnestdesireandexpectation,)andgotoLondon.
Shemustbeaninfidelagainstallreasonandappearances,ifIdonotbanisheventheshadowofmistrustfromherheart.
Herearetwoyounglikelygirls,daughtersofthewidowSorlings;that'sthenameofourlandlady.
Ihaveonly,atpresent,admiredthemintheirdairy-works.Howgreedilydothesexswallowpraise!--DidInotonce,inthestreetsofLondon,seeawell-dressed,handsomegirllaugh,bridle,andvisiblyenjoythe
praisesofasootydog,achimney-sweeper;who,withhisemptysackacrosshisshoulder,aftergivinghertheway,stopt,andhelduphisbrushandshovelinadmirationofher?--Egad,girl,thoughtI,IdespisetheeasLovelace:butwereIthechimney-sweeper,andcouldonlycontrivetogetintothypresence,mylifetothyvirtue,Iwouldhavethee.
SopleasedwasIwiththeyoungSorlings,fortheeleganceofherworks,thatIkissedher,andshemademeacourtesyformycondescension;andblushed,andseemedsensibleallover:encouraging,yetinnocently,she
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adjustedherhandkerchief,andlookedtowardsthedoor,asmuchastosay,shewouldnottell,wereItokissheragain.
Hereldestsisterpoptuponher.Theconsciousgirlblushedagain,andlookedsoconfounded,thatImadeanexcuseforher,whichgratifiedboth.Mrs.Betty,saidI,Ihavebeensomuchpleasedwiththeneatnessofyourdairy-works,thatIcouldnothelpsalutingyoursister:youhaveyourshareofmeritinthem,Iamsure--Givemeleave----
Goodsouls!--Ilikethemboth--shecourtesiedtoo!--HowIloveagratefultemper!OthatmyClarissawerebuthalfsoacknowledging!
IthinkImustgetoneofthemtoattendmycharmerwhensheremoves--themotherseemstobeanotablewoman.Shehadnotbest,however,betoonotable:since,wereshebysuspiciontogivemeafaceofdifficultytothematter,itwouldpreparemeforatrialwithoneorboththedaughters.
Allowmealittlerhodamantade,Jack--butreallyandtrulymyheartisfixed.Icanthinkofnocreaturebreathingofthesex,butmyGloriana.
LETTERXIV
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.[INCONTINUATION.]
ThisisWednesday;thedaythatIwastohavelostmycharmerforevertothehideousSolmes!Withwhathighsatisfactionandheart's-easecanInowsitdown,andtriumphovermymeninstrawatHarlowe-place!Yet'tisperhapsbestforthem,thatshegotoffasshedid.Whoknowswhatconsequencesmighthavefolloweduponmyattendingherin;or(ifshehadnotmetme)uponmyprojectedvisit,followedbymymyrmidons?
ButhadIevengoneinwithherunaccompanied,IthinkIhadbutlittle
reasonforapprehension:forwellthouknowest,thatthetamespiritswhichvaluethemselvesuponreputation,andareheldwithintheskirtsofthelawbypoliticalconsiderationsonly,maybecomparedtoaninfectiousspider;whichwillrunintohisholethemomentoneofhisthreadsistouchedbyafingerthatcancrushhim,leavingallhistoilsdefenceless,andtobebrusheddownatthewillofthepotentinvader.Whileasillyfly,thathasneithercouragenorstrengthtoresist,nosoonergivesnotice,byitsbuzanditsstruggles,ofitsbeingentangled,butoutstepstheself-circumscribedtyrant,windsroundandroundthepoorinsect,tillhecoversitwithhisbowel-spuntoils;andwhensofullysecured,thatitcanneithermovelegnorwing,suspendsit,asifforaspectacletobeexultedover:thenstalkingtothedoorofhiscell,turnsabout,glotesoveritatadistance;and,sometimes
advancing,sometimesretiring,preysatleisureuponitsvitals.
ButnowIthinkofit,willnotthiscomparisondoaswellfortheentangledgirls,asforthetamespirits?--Bettero'myconscience!--'Tisbutcomparingthespidertousbravefellows,anditquadrates.
Whateverourheartsarein,ourheadswillfollow.Beginwithspiders,withflies,withwhatwewill,girlisthecentreofgravity,andweallnaturallytendtoit.
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Nevertheless,torecur;Icannotbutobserve,thatthesetamespiritsstandapoorchanceinafairlyoffensivewarwithsuchofusmadfellowsasareabovealllaw,andscorntosculkbehindthehypocriticalscreenofreputation.
ThouknowestthatIneverscrupletothrowmyselfamongstnumbersofadversaries;themorethesafer:oneortwo,nofear,willtakethepartofasingleadventurer,ifnotintentionally,infact;holdinghimin,whileothersholdintheprincipalantagonist,totheaugmentationoftheirmutualprowess,tillbothareprevailedupontocompromise,oronetobeabsent:sothat,uponthewhole,thelaw-breakershavetheadvantageofthelaw-keepers,alltheworldover;atleastforatime,andtilltheyhaveruntotheendoftheirrace.Addtothis,inthequestionbetweenmeandtheHarlowes,thatthewholefamilyofthemmustknowthattheyhaveinjuredme--mustthereforebeafraidofme.Didtheynot,attheirownchurch,clustertogetherlikebees,whentheysawmeenterit?Norknewtheywhichshouldventureoutfirst,whentheservicewasover.
James,indeed,wasnotthere.Ifhehad,hewouldperhapshaveendeavouredtolookvaliant.Butthereisasortofvalourintheface,whichshewsfearintheheart:justsuchafacewouldJamesHarlowe'shavebeen,hadImadethemavisit.
WhenIhavehadsuchafaceandsuchaheartasIhavedescribedtodealwith,Ihavebeenallcalmandserene,andleftittothefriendsoftheblusterer(asIhavedonetotheHarlowes)todomyworkforme.
Iamaboutmusteringupinmymemory,allthatIhaveeverdone,thathasbeenthoughtpraise-worthy,orbutbarelytolerable.Iamafraidthoucanstnothelpmetomanyremembrancesofthissort;becauseIneverwassobadassinceIhaveknownthee.
HaveInothaditinmyhearttodosomegoodthatthoucanstnotremindmeof?Studyforme,Jack.IhaverecollectedsomeinstanceswhichIthinkwilltellin--butseeifthoucanstnothelpmetosomewhichI
mayhaveforgot.
ThisImayventuretosay,thattheprincipalblotinmyescutcheonisowingtothesegirls,theseconfoundedgirls.Butforthem,Icouldgotochurchwithagoodconscience:butwhenIdo,theretheyare.EverywheredoesSatanspreadhissnaresforme!But,howIthinkofit,whatifourgovernorshouldappointchurchesforthewomenonly,andothersforthemen?--Fullasproper,Ithink,forthepromotingoftruepietyinboth,[muchbetterthanthesynagogue-lattices,]asseparateboarding-schoolsfortheireducation.
Therearealreadymaleandfemalededicationsofchurches.
St.Swithin's,St.Stephen's,St.Thomas's,St.George's,andsoforth,mightbeappropriatedtothemen;andSantaCatharina's,SantaAnna's,SantaMaria's,SantaMargaretta's,forthewomen.
Yetwereitso,andlifetobetheforfeitureofbeingfoundatthefemalechurches,IbelievethatI,likeasecondClodius,shouldchangemydress,tocomeatmyPortiaorPompeia,thoughonethedaughterofaCato,theotherthewifeofaCaesar.
ButhowIexcurse!--Yetthouusedsttosay,thoulikedstmyexcursions.
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Ifthoudost,thou'lthaveenowofthem:forIneverhadasubjectIsomuchadored;andwithwhichIshallprobablybecompelledtohavesomuchpatiencebeforeIstriketheblow;iftheblowIdostrike.
Butletmecallmyselfbacktomyrecordation-subject--ThouneedestnotremindmeofmyRosebud.Ihaveherinmyhead;andmoreoverhavecontrivedtogivemyfair-oneanhintofthataffair,bytheagencyofhonestJosephLeman;*althoughIhavenotreapedthehoped-forcreditofheracknowledgement.
*SeeVol.II.LetterXXVII.
That'sthedevil;anditwasalwaysmyhardfate--everythingIdothatisgood,isbutasIought!--Everythingofacontrarynatureisbroughtintothemostglaringlightagainstme--Isthisfair?Oughtnotabalancetobestruck;andthecreditcarriedtomyaccount?--YetImustowntoo,thatIhalfgrudgeJohnnythisbloomingmaiden?for,intruth,Ithinkafinewomantoorichajeweltohangaboutapoorman'sneck.
Surely,Jack,ifIamguiltyofafaultinmyuniversaladorationsofthesex,thewomeningeneraloughttolovemethebetterforit.
Andsotheydo;Ithankthemheartily;excepthereandthereacovetouslittleroguecomescrossme,who,underthepretenceoflovingvirtueforitsownsake,wantstohavemealltoherself.
Ihaverambledenough.
Adieu,forthepresent.
LETTERXV
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWETHURSDAYNIGHT,APRIL13.
Ialwayslovedwriting,andmyunhappysituationgivesmenowenoughofit;andyou,Ifear,toomuch.IhavehadanotherverywarmdebatewithMr.Lovelace.Itbroughtonthesubjectwhichyouadvisedmenottodecline,whenitwashandsomelyoffered.AndIwanttohaveeitheryouracquittalorblameforhavingsufferedittogooffwithouteffect.
Theimpatientwretchsentuptomeseveraltimes,whileIwaswritingmylasttoyou,todesiremycompany:yethisbusinessnothingparticular;onlytohearhimtalk.Themanseemspleasedwithhisownvolubility;and,wheneverhehascollectedtogetherabundanceofsmooththings,he
wantsmetofindanearforthem!Yetheneednot;forIdon'toftengratifyhimeitherwithgivinghimthepraiseforhisverboseness,orshewingthepleasureinitthathewouldbefondof.
WhenIhadfinishedtheletter,andgivenittoMr.Hickman'sfriend,Iwasgoingupagain,andhadgotuphalfadozenstairs;whenhebesoughtbetostop,andhearwhathehadtosay.
Nothing,asIsaid,toanynewpurposehadhetooffer;butcomplainings;andthoseinamanner,andwithanair,asIthought,that
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bordereduponinsolence.Hecouldnotlive,hetoldme,unlesshehadmoreofmycompany,andofmyindulgencetoo,thatIhadyetgivenhim.
HereuponIsteptdown,andintotheparlour,notalittleoutofhumourwithhim;andthemore,ashehasveryquietlytakenuphisquartershere,withouttalkingofremoving,ashehadpromised.
Webeganinstantlyourangryconference.Heprovokedme;andIrepeatedseveraloftheplainestthingsIhadsaidinourformerconversations;andparticularlytoldhim,thatIwaseveryhourmoreandmoredissatisfiedwithmyself,andwithhim:thathewasnotaman,who,inmyopinion,improveduponacquaintance:andthatIshouldnotbeeasytillhehadleftmetomyself.
Hemightbesurprisedatmywarmth,perhaps:butreallythemanlookedsolikeasimpleton,hesitating,andhavingnothingtosayforhimself,orthatshouldexcusetheperemptorinessofhisdemanduponme,(whenheknewIhadbeenwritingaletterwhichagentlemanwaitedfor,)thatIflungfromhim,declaring,thatIwouldbemistressofmyowntime,andofmyownactions,andnottobecalledtoaccountforeither.
Hewasveryuneasytillhecouldagainbeadmittedintomycompany,andwhenIwasobligedtoseehim,whichwassoonerthanIliked,neverdidthemanputonamorehumbleandrespectfuldemeanor.
Hetoldme,thathehad,uponthisoccasion,beenenteringintohimself,andhadfoundagreatdealofreasontoblamehimselfforanimpertinencyandinconsiderationwhich,althoughhemeantnothingbyit,mustbeverydisagreeabletooneofmydelicacy.Thathavingalwaysaimedatamanlysincerityandopennessofheart,hehadnottillnowdiscovered,thatbothwereveryconsistentwiththattruepoliteness,whichhefearedhehadtoomuchdisregarded,whilehesoughttoavoidthecontraryextreme;knowing,thatinmehehadtodealwithalady,whodespisedanhypocrite,andwhowasaboveallflattery.Butfromthistimeforth,Ishouldfindsuchanalterationinhiswholebehaviour,asmightbeexpectedfromamanwhoknewhimselftobehonouredwiththepresenceandconversationofaperson,whohadthemostdelicatemindin
theworld--thatwashisflourish.
Isaid,thathemightperhapsexpectcongratulationuponthediscoveryhehadjustnowmade,towit,thattruepolitenessandsinceritywerereconcilable:butthatI,whohad,byaperversefate,beenthrownintohiscompany,hadabundantreasontoregretthathehadnotsoonerfoundthisout.--Since,Ibelieved,veryfewmenofbirthandeducationwerestrangerstoit.
Heknewnot,neither,hesaid,thathehadsobadlybehavedhimself,astodeservesoveryseverearebuke.
Perhapsnot,Ireplied:buthemight,ifso,makeanotherdiscoveryfrom
whatIhadsaid;whichmightbetomyowndisadvantage:since,ifhehadsomuchreasontobesatisfiedwithhimself,hewouldseewhatanungenerouspersonhespoketo,who,whenheseemedtogivehimselfairsofhumility,which,perhapshethoughtbeneathhimtoassume,hadnotthecivilitytomakehimacomplimentuponthem;butwasreadytotakehimathisword.
Hehadlong,withinfinitepleasure,thepretendedflattery-hatersaid,admiredmysuperiortalents,andawisdominsoyoungalady,perfectlysuprising.
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Letme,Madam,saidhe,standeversolowinyouropinion,Ishallbelieveallyousaytobejust;andthatIhavenothingtodobuttogovernmyselfforthefuturebyyourexample,andbythestandardyoushallbepleasedtogiveme.
Iknowbetter,Sir,repliedI,thantovaluemyselfuponyourvolubilityofspeech.Asyoupretendtopaysopreferablearegardtosincerity,youshallconfineyourselftothestrictrulesoftruth,whenyouspeakofme,tomyself:andthen,althoughyoushallbesokindastoimaginethatyouhavereasontomakemeacompliment,youwillhavemuchmoretoprideyourselfinthoseartswhichhavemadesoextraordinaryayoungcreaturesogreatafool.
Really,mydear,themandeservesnotpolitertreatment.--Andthenhashenotmadeafool,anegregiousfoolofme?--Iamafraidhehimselfthinkshehas.
Iamsurprised!Iamamazed,Madam,returnedhe,atsostrangeaturnuponme!--Iamveryunhappy,thatnothingIcandoorsaywillgiveyouagoodopinionofme!--WouldtoheaventhatIknewwhatIcandotoobtainthehonourofyourconfidence!
Itoldhim,thatIdesiredhisabsence,ofallthings.Isawnot,
Isaid,thatmyfriendsthoughtitworththeirwhiletogivemedisturbance:therefore,ifhewouldsetoutforLondon,orBerkshire,orwhitherhepleased,itwouldbemostagreeabletome,andmostreputabletoo.
Hewoulddoso,hesaid,heintendedtodoso,themomentIwasinaplacetomyliking--inaplaceconvenientforme.
This,Sir,willbeso,saidI,whenyouarenotheretobreakinuponme,andmaketheapartmentsinconvenient.
Hedidnotthinkthisplacesafe,hereplied;andasIintendednottostayhere,hehadnotbeensosolicitous,asotherwiseheshouldhave
been,toenjoinprivacytohisservants,nortoMrs.Gremeatherleavingme;thatthereweretwoorthreegentlemenattheneighbourhood,hesaid,withwhoseservantshisgossipingfellowshadscrapedacquaintance:sothathecouldnotthinkofleavingmehereunguardedandunattended.--ButfixuponanyplaceinEnglandwhereIcouldbeoutofdanger,andhewouldgotothefurthermostpartoftheking'sdominions,ifbydoingsohecouldmakemeeasy.
ItoldhimplainlythatIshouldneverbeinhumourwithmyselfformeetinghim;norwithhim,forseducingmeaway:thatmyregretsincreased,insteadofdiminished:thatmyreputationwaswounded:thatnothingIcoulddowouldnowretrieveit:andthathemustnotwonder,ifIeveryhourgrewmoreandmoreuneasybothwithmyselfandhim:that
uponthewhole,Iwaswillingtotakecareofmyself;andwhenhehadleftme,Ishouldbestknowwhattoresolveupon,andwhithertogo.
Hewished,hesaid,hewereatliberty,withoutgivingmeoffence,orbeingthoughttointendtoinfringethearticlesIhadstipulatedandinsistedupon,tomakeonehumbleproposaltome.Butthesacredregardhewasdeterminedtopaytoallmyinjunctions(reluctantlyasIhadonMondaylastputitintohispowertoserveme)wouldnotpermithimtomakeit,unlessIwouldpromisetoexcusehim,ifIdidnotapproveofit.
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Iasked,insomeconfusion,whathewouldsay?
Heprefacedandparadedon;andthenoutcame,withgreatdiffidence,andmanyapologies,andabashfulnesswhichsatveryawkwardlyuponhim,aproposalofspeedysolemnization:which,hesaid,wouldputallright;andmakemyfirstthreeorfourmonths(whichotherwisemustbepassedinobscurityandapprehension)aroundofvisitsandvisitingstoandfromallhisrelations;toMissHowe;towhomIpleased:andwouldpavethewaytothereconciliationIhadsomuchatheart.
Youradvicehadgreatweightwithmejustthen,aswellashisreasons,andtheconsiderationofmyunhappysituation:ButwhatcouldIsay?Iwantedsomebodytospeakforme.
ThemansawIwasnotangryathismotion.Ionlyblushed;andthatIamsureIdiduptotheears;andlookedsilly,andlikeafool.
Hewantsnotcourage.Wouldhehavehadmecatchathisfirst,athisveryfirstword?--Iwassilenttoo--anddonottheboldsextakesilenceforamarkofafavour!--Then,solatelyinmyfather'shouse!Havingalsodeclaredtohiminmyletters,beforeIhadyouradvice,thatIwouldnotthinkofmarriagetillhehadpassedthroughastateofprobation,asImaycallit--HowwasitpossibleIcouldencourage,with
veryreadysignsofapprobation,suchanearlyproposal?especiallysosoonafterthefreetreatmenthehadprovokedfromme.IfIweretodie,Icouldnot.
Helookedatmewithgreatconfidence;asif(notwithstandinghiscontradictorybashfulness)hewouldlookmethrough;whilemyeyebutnow-and-thencouldglanceathim.--Hebeggedmypardonwithgreathumility:hewasafraidIwouldthinkhedeservednootheranswer,butthatofacontemptuoussilence.Truelovewasfearfulofoffending.[Takecare,Mr.Lovelace,thoughtI,howyour'sistriedbythatrule].Indeedsosacredaregard[foolishman!]wouldhehavetoallmydeclarationsmadebeforeIhonouredhim--
Iwouldhearhimnofurther;butwithdrewinaconfusiontoovisible,andlefthimtomakehisnonsensicalflourishestohimself.
Iwillonlyadd,that,ifhereallywishesforaspeedysolemnization,henevercouldhavehadaluckiertimetopressformyconsenttoit.Butheletitgooff;andindignationhastakenplaceofit.Andnowitshallbeapointwithme,togethimatadistancefromme.
Iam,mydearestfriend,YoureverfaithfulandobligedCL.H.
LETTERXVI
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.TUESDAY,APR.13.
Why,Jack,thouneedestnotmakesuchawonderment,asthegirlssay,ifIshouldhavetakenlargestridesalreadytowardsreformation:fordostthounotsee,thatwhileIhavebeensoassiduously,nightandday,pursuingthissinglecharmer,Ihaveinfinitelylesstoanswerfor,thanotherwiseIshouldhavehad?Letmesee,howmanydaysand
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nights?--Forty,Ibelieve,afteropentrenches,spentinthesaponly,andneveraminesprungyet!
Byamoderatecomputation,adozenkitesmighthavefallen,whileIhavebeenonlytryingtoensnarethissinglelark.NoryetdoIseewhenIshallbeabletobringhertomylure:moreinnocentdaysyet,therefore!--Butreformationformystalking-horse,Ihope,willbeasure,thoughaslowmethodtoeffectallmypurposes.
Then,Jack,thouwilthaveamerittooinengagingmypen,sincethytimewouldbeotherwiseworseemployed:and,afterall,whoknowsbutbycreatingnewhabits,attheexpenseoftheold,arealreformationmaybebroughtabout?Ihavepromisedit;andIbelievethereisapleasuretobefoundinbeinggood,reversingthatofNat.Lee'smadman,
--Whichnonebutgoodmenknow.
Byallthis,seestthounothowgreatlypreferableitis,ontwentyaccounts,topursueadifficultratherthananeasychace?Ihaveadesiretoinculcatethispleasureuponthee,andtoteachtheetoflyatnoblergamethandaws,crows,andwidgeons:Ihaveamindtoshewtheefromtimetotime,inthecourseofthecorrespondencethouhastsoearnestlywishedmetobeginonthisillustriousoccasion,thattheseexaltedladiesmaybeabased,andtoobviateoneoftheobjectionsthat
thoumadesttome,whenwewerelasttogether,thatthepleasurewhichattendsthesenobleraims,remuneratesnotthepainstheybringwiththem;since,likeapaltryfellowasthouwert,thouassertedstthatallwomenarealike.
Thouknowestnothing,Jack,ofthedelicaciesofintrigue:nothingofthegloryofoutwittingthewittyandthewatchful:ofthejoysthatfillthemindoftheinventiveorcontrivinggenius,ruminatingwhichtouseofthedifferentwebsthatoffertohimfortheentanglementofahaughtycharmer,whoinherdayhasgivenhimunnumberedtorments.Thou,Jack,who,likeadogathisease,contentestthyselftogrowloverabonethrownouttothee,dostnotknowthejoysofachace,andinpursuingawindinggame:theseIwillendeavourtorousetheeto,
andthenthouwilthavereasondoublyandtreblytothankme,aswellbecauseofthypresentdelight,aswithregardtothyprospectbeyondthemoon.
TothisplaceIhadwritten,purelytoamusemyself,beforeIwasadmittedtomycharmer.ButnowIhavetotellthee,thatIwasquiterightinmyconjecture,thatshewouldsetupforherself,anddismissme:forshehasdeclaredinsomanywordsthatsuchwasherresolution:Andwhy?Because,tobeplainwithme,themoreshesawofme,andofmyways,thelessshelikedofeither.
Thiscutmetotheheart!Ididnotcry,indeed!HadIbeenawoman,Ishouldthough,andthatmostplentifully:butIpulledoutawhite
cambrickhandkerchief:thatIcouldcommand,butnotmytears.
Shefindsfaultwithmyprotestations,withmyprofessions,withmyvows:Icannotcurseaservant,theonlyprivilegeamasterisknownby,butIamsupposedtobeatrooper*--Imustnotsay,Bymysoul!nor,AsIhopetobesaved!Why,Jack,howparticularthisis!WouldshenothavemethinkIhaveaprecioussoul,aswellasshe?Ifshethinksmysalvationhopeless,whatadevil[anotherexceptionableword!]doessheproposetoreformmefor?SoIhavenotanardentexpressionleftme.
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*SeeLetterVI.ofthisvolume.
*****
Whatcanbedonewithawomanwhoisaboveflattery,anddespisesallpraisebutthatwhichflowsfromtheapprobationofherownheart?
Well,Jack,thouseestitishightimetochangemymeasures.ImustrunintothepiousalittlefasterthanIhaddesigned.
Whatasadthingitwouldbe,wereI,afterall,toloseherperson,aswellasheropinion!theonlytimethatfurtheracquaintance,andnoblowstruck,norsuspiciongiven,everlessenedmeinalady'sfavour!Acursedmortification!--'TiscertainIcanhavenopretenceforholdingher,ifshewillgo.Nosuchthingasforcetobeused,orsomuchashintedat:LordsendussafeatLondon!--That'sallIhaveforitnow:andyetitmustbetheleastpartofmyspeech.
Butwhywillthisadmirablecreatureurgeherdestiny?Whywillshedefythepowersheisabsolutelydependentupon?Whywillshestillwishto
myfacethatshehadneverleftherfather'shouse?Whywillshedenymehercompany,tillshemakesmelosemypatience,andlaymyselfopentoherresentment?Andwhy,whensheisoffended,doesshecarryherindignationtotheutmostlengththatascornfulbeauty,intheveryheightofherpowerandpride,cango?
Isitprudent,thinkestthou,inhercircumstances,totellme,repeatedlytotellme,'Thatsheiseveryhourmoreandmoredissatisfiedwithherselfandme?ThatIamnotonewhoimproveuponherinmyconversationandaddress?'[Couldstthou,Jack,bearthisfromacaptive!]'Thatsheshallnotbeeasywhilesheiswithme?Thatsheknowsbetterthantovalueherselfuponmyvolubility?ThatifIthinkshedeservesthecomplimentsImakeher,Imaypridemyselfinthose
arts,bywhichIhavemadeafoolofsoextraordinaryaperson?Thatsheshallneverforgiveherselfformeetingme,normeforseducingheraway?'[Herverywords.]'Thatherregretsincreaseinsteadofdiminish?Thatshewilltakecareofherself;and,sinceherfriendsthingitnotworthwhiletopursueher,shewillbelefttoherowncare?ThatIshallmakeMrs.Sorlings'shousemoreagreeablebymyabsence?--AndgotoBerks,totown,orwhereverIwill,'[tothedevil,Isuppose,]'withallherheart?'
Theimpoliticcharmer!--Toatempersovindictiveasshethinsmine!Toafree-liver,asshebelievesmetobe,whohasherinhispower!Iwasbefore,asthouknowest,balancing;nowthisscale,nowthat,theheaviest.Ionlywaitedtoseehowherwillwouldwork,howminewould
leadmeon.Thouseestwhatbiasheretakes--Andwiltthoudoubtthatminewillbedeterminedbyit?Werenotherfaults,beforethis,numerousenough?Whywillsheputmeuponlookingback?
Iwillsitdowntoarguewithmyselfby-and-by,andthoushaltbeacquaintedwiththeresult.
Ifthoudidstbutknow,ifthouhadstbutbeheld,whatanabjectslaveshemademelooklike!--Ihadgivenmyselfhighairs,asshecalledthem:buttheywereairsthatshewedmyloveforher:thatshewed
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Icouldnotliveoutofhercompany.Butshetookmedownwithavengeance!Shemademelookaboutme.Somuchadvantagehadsheoverme;suchsevereturnsuponme;bymysoul,Jack,Ihadhardlyawordtosayformyself.Iamashamedtotelltheewhatapoorcreatureshemademelooklike!ButIcouldhavetoldhersomethingthatwouldhavehumbledherprettyprideattheinstant,hadshebeeninaproperplace,andpropercompanyabouther.
Tosuchaplacethen--andwhereshecannotflyme--Andthentoseehowmywillworks,andwhatcanbedonewiththeamoroussee-saw;nowhumble,nowproud;nowexpecting,ordemanding;nowsubmitting,oracquiescing--tillIhavetriedresistance.
Butthesehintsareatpresentenough.ImayfurtherexplainmyselfasIgoalong;andasIconfirmorrecedeinmyfuturemotions.Ifshewillrevivepastdisobligations!Ifshewill--Butnomore,nomore,asIsaid,atpresent,ofthreatenings.
LETTERXVII
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.[INCONTINUATION.]
AnddoInotseethatIshallneednothingbutpatience,inordertohaveallpowerwithme?Forwhatshallwesay,ifallthesecomplaintsofacharacterwounded;thesedeclarationsofincreasingregretsformeetingme;ofresentmentsnevertobegotoverformyseducingheraway;theseangrycommandstoleaverher:--Whatshallwesay,ifallweretomeannothingbutMATRIMONY?Andwhatifmyforbearingtoenteruponthatsubjectcomeouttobethetruecauseoftheirpetulanceanduneasiness!
Ihadoncebeforeplayedabouttheskirtsoftheirrevocableobligation;butthoughtmyselfobligedtospeakinclouds,andtorunawayfromthe
subject,assoonasshetookmymeaning,lestsheshouldimagineittobeungenerouslyurged,nowshewasinsomesortinmypower,asshehadforbidmebeforehand,totouchuponit,tillIwereinastateofvisiblereformation,andtillareconciliationwithherfriendswereprobable.Butnow,out-argued,out-talented,andpushedsovehementlytoleaveoneofwhomIhadnogoodpretencetohold,ifshewouldgo;andwhocouldsoeasily,ifIhadgivenhercausetodoubt,havethrownherselfintootherprotection,orhavereturnedtoHarlowe-placeandSolmes;Ispokeoutuponthesubject,andofferedreasons,althoughwithinfinitedoubtandhesitation,[lestsheshouldbeoffendedatme,Belford!]whysheshouldassenttothelegaltie,andmakemethehappiestofmen.AndOhowthemantlecheek,thedowncasteye,thesilentyettremblinglip,andtheheavingbosom,asweetcollection
ofheightenedbeauties,gaveevidencethatthetenderwasnotmortallyoffensive!
Charmingcreature!thoughtI,[butIchargethee,thatthouletnotanyofthesexknowmyexultation,*]Isitsosooncometothis?AmIalreadylordofthedestinyofaClarissaHarlowe?AmIalreadythereformedmanthouresolvestIshouldbe,beforeIhadtheleastencouragementgivenme?Isitthus,thatthemorethouknowestme,thelessthouseestreasontoapproveofme?--Andcanartanddesignenterintoabreastsocelestial?Tobanishmefromthee,toinsistso
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rigorouslyuponmyabsence,inordertobringmeclosertothee,andmaketheblessingdear?Welldothyartsjustifymine;andencouragemetoletloosemyplottinggeniusuponthee.
*Mr.Lovelacemighthavesparedthiscautiononthisoccasion,sincemanyofthesex[wementionitwithregret]whoonthefirstpublicationhadreadthusfar,andeventothelady'sfirstescape,havebeenreadiertocensureherforover-niceness,aswehaveobservedinaformernote,page42,thanhimforartificesandexultationsnotlesscruelandungrateful,thanungenerousandunmanly.
Butletmetellthee,charmingmaid,ifthywishesareatalltobeanswered,thatthouhastyettoaccounttomeforthyreluctancetogooffwithme,atacrisiswhenthygoingoffwasnecessarytoavoidbeingforcedintothenuptialfetterswithawretch,that,werehenotthyaversion,thouwertnomorehonesttothyownmeritthantome.
Iamaccustomedtobepreferred,letmetellthee,bythyequalsinranktoo,thoughthyinferiorsinmerit:Butwhoisnotso?AndshallImarryawoman,whohasgivenmereasontodoubtthepreferenceshehasforme?
No,mydearestlove,Ihavetoosacredaregardforthyinjunctions,to
letthembebrokenthrough,evenbythyself.NorwillItakeinthyfullmeaningbyblushingsilenceonly.Norshaltthougivemeroomtodoubt,whetheritbenecessityorlove,thatinspiresthiscondescendingimpulse.
Upontheseprinciples,whathadItodobuttoconstruehersilenceintocontemptuousdispleasure?AndIbeggedherpardonformakingamotionwhichIhadsomuchreasontofearwouldoffendher:forthefutureIwouldpayasacredregardtoherpreviousinjunctions,andprovetoherbyallmyconductthetruthofthatobservation,Thattrueloveisalwaysfearfulofoffending.
Andwhatcouldtheladysaytothis?methinksthouaskest.
Say!--Whyshelookedvexed,disconcerted,teased;wasataloss,asIthought,whethertobemoreangrywithherself,orwithme.Sheturnedabout,however,asiftohideastartingtear;anddrewasighintotwoorthreebutjustaudiblequavers,tryingtosuppressit,andwithdrew--leavingmemasterofthefield.
Tellmenotofpoliteness;tellmenotofgenerosity;tellmenotofcompassion--Isshenotamatchforme?Morethanamatch?Doesshenotoutdomeateveryfairweapon?Hasshenotmademedoubtherlove?HasshenottakenofficiouspainstodeclarethatshewasnotaversetoSolmesforanyrespectshehadtome?andhersorrowforputtingherselfoutofhisreach,thatistosay,formeetingme?
Then,whatatriumphwoulditbetotheHarlowepride,wereInowtomarrythislady?Afamilybeneathmyown!Nooneinitworthyofanalliancewithbuther!Myownestatenotcontemptible!Livingwithintheboundsofit,toavoiddependenceupontheirbetters,andobligedtonomanliving!Myexpectationsstillsomuchmoreconsiderable!Myperson,mytalents--nottobedespised,surely--yetrejectedbythemwithscorn.Obligedtocarryonanunderhandaddresstotheirdaughter,whentwoofthemostconsiderablefamiliesinthekingdomhavemadeovertures,whichIhavedeclined,partlyforhersake,andpartlybecauseIneverwill
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marry;ifshebenottheperson.Tobeforcedtostealheraway,notonlyfromthem,butfromherself!AndmustIbebroughttoimploreforgivenessandreconciliationfromtheHarlowes?--Begtobeacknowledgedasthesonofagloomytyrant,whoseonlyboastishisriches?Asabrothertoawretch,whohasconceivedimmortalhatredtome;andtoasisterwhowasbeneathmyattempts,orIwouldhavehadherinmyownway,andthatwithatenthpartofthetroubleandpainsthathersisterhascostme;and,finally,asanephewtouncles,whovaluethemselvesupontheiracquiredfortunes,wouldinsultmeascreepingtothemonthataccount?--ForbiditinthebloodoftheLovelaces,thatyourlast,and,letmesay,notthemeanestofyourstock,shouldthuscreep,thusfawn,thuslickthedust,foraWIFE--!
Proceedanon.
LETTERXVIII
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.[INCONTINUATION.]
ButisitnotthedivineCLARISSA[Harloweletmenotsay;mysoul
spurnsthemallbuther]whomIamthusbyapplicationthreatening?--Ifvirtuebethetruenobility,howissheennobled,andhowshallanalliancewithherennoble,werenotcontemptduetothefamilyfromwhomshesprangandpreferstome!
Butagain,letmestop.--Istherenotsomethingwrong,hastherenotbeensomethingwrong,inthisdivinecreature?Andwillnotthereflectionsuponthatwrong(whatthoughitmaybeconstruedinmyfavour?*)makemeunhappy,whennoveltyhaslostitscharms,andwhen,mindandperson,sheisallmyown?Libertinesarenicer,ifatallnice,thanothermen.Theyseldommeetwiththestandofvirtueinthewomenwhomtheyattempt.And,bythefrailtyofthosetheyhavetriumphedover,theyjudgeofalltherest.'Importunityandopportunity
nowomanisproofagainst,especiallyfromtheperseveringlover,whoknowshowtosuittemptationstoinclinations:'This,thouknowest,isaprimearticleoftherake'screed.
*Theparticularattentionofsuchofthefairsex,asaremoreapttoreadforthesameofamusementthaninstruction,isrequestedtothisletterofMr.Lovelace.
Andwhat!(methinksthouaskestwithsurprise)Dostthouquestionthismostadmirableofwomen?--ThevirtueofaCLARISSAdostthouquestion?
Idonot,Idarenotquestionit.Myreverenceforherwillnotletmedirectlyquestionit.Butletme,inmyturn,askthee--Isnot,maynothervirtuebefoundedratherinpridethaninprinciple?Whosedaughterisshe?--Andisshenotadaughter?Ifimpeccable,howcameshebyherimpeccability?Theprideofsettinganexampletohersexhasrunawaywithherhitherto,andmayhavemadehertillnowinvincible.Butisnotthatprideabated?Whatmaynotbothmenandwomenbebroughttodoinamortifiedstate?Whatmindissuperiortocalamity?Prideisperhapstheprincipalbulwarkoffemalevirtue.Humbleawoman,andmayshenotbeeffectuallyhumbled?
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ThenwhosaysMissClarissaHarloweistheparagonofvirtue?--Isvirtueitself?
Allwhoknowher,andhaveheardofher,itwillbeanswered.
Commonbruit!--Isvirtuetobeestablishedbycommonbruitonly?--Hashervirtueeverbeenproved?--Whohasdaredtotryhervirtue?
Itoldthee,Iwouldsitdowntoarguewithmyself;andIhavedrawnmyselfintoargumentationbeforeIwasaware.
Letmeenterintoastrictdiscussionofthissubject.
IknowhowungenerousanappearancewhatIhavesaid,andwhatIhavefurthertosay,onthistopic,willhavefromme:ButamInotbringingvirtuetothetouchstone,withaviewtoexaltit,ifitcomeouttobeproof?--'Avauntthen,foronemoment,allconsiderationthatmayarisefromaweaknesswhichsomewouldmiscallgratitude;andisoftentimesthecorrupterofaheartmostignoble!'
Tothetestthen--andIwillbringthischarmingcreaturetothestrictesttest,'thatallthesex,whomaybeshewnanypassagesinmyletters,'[andIknowthoucheeresttheheartsofallthyacquaintance
withsuchdetachedpartsofmineastendnottodishonourcharactersorrevealnames:andthisgivesmeanappetitetoobligetheebyinterlardment,]'thatallthesex,Isay,mayseewhattheyoughttobe;whatisexpectedfromthem;andiftheyhavetodealwithapersonofreflectionandpunctilio,[ofpride,ifthouwilt,]howcarefultheyoughttobe,byaregularanduniformconduct,nottogivehimcausetothinklightlyofthemforfavoursgranted,whichmaybeinterpretedintonaturalweakness.Forisnotawifethekeeperofaman'shonour?Anddonotherfaultsbringmoredisgraceuponahusbandthanevenuponherself?'
Itisnotfornothing,Jack,thatIhavedislikedthelifeofshackles.
Tothetestthen,asIsaid,sincenowIhavethequestionbroughthometome,WhetherIamtohaveawife?Andwhethershebetobeawifeatthefirstoratthesecondhand?
Iwillproceedfairly.Idothedearcreaturenotonlystrictbutgenerousjustice;forIwilltryherbyherownjudgment,aswellasbyourprinciples.
Sheblamesherselfforhavingcorrespondedwithme,amanoffreecharacter;andoneindeedwhosefirstviewitwastodrawherintothiscorrespondence;andwhosucceededinitbymeansunknowntoherself.
'Now,whatwereherinducementstothiscorrespondence?'Ifnotwhather
nicenessmakesherthinkblameworthy,whydoessheblameherself?
Hasshebeencapableoferror?Ofpersistinginthaterror?
Whoeverwasthetempter,thatisnotthething;norwhatthetemptation.Thefact,theerror,isnowbeforeus.
Didshepersistinitagainstparentalprohibition?
Sheownsshedid.
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Wasadaughtereverknownwhohadhighernotionsofthefilialduty,oftheparentalauthority?
Never.
'Whatmustbetheinducements,howstrong,thatweretoostrongforduty,inadaughtersodutiful?--Whatmustmythoughtshavebeenoftheseinducements,whatmyhopesbuiltuponthematthetime,takeninthislight?'
Well,butitwillbesaid,Thatherprincipalviewwastopreventmischiefbetweenherbrotherandherotherfriends,andthemanvilelyinsultedbythemall.
Butwhyshouldshebemoreconcernedforthesafetyofothersthantheywerefortheirown?Andhadnottherencounterthenhappened?'Wasapersonofvirtuetobeprevailedupontobreakthroughherapparent,heracknowledgedduty,uponanyconsideration?'And,ifnot,wasshetobesoprevailedupontopreventanapprehendedevilonly?
Thou,Lovelace,thetempter(thouwiltagainbreakoutandsay)tobetheaccuser!
ButIamnottheaccuser.Iamtheargueronly,and,inmyheart,allthetimeacquitandworshipthedivinecreature.'Butletme,nevertheless,examine,whethertheacquitalbeowingtohermerit,ortomyweakness--Weaknessthetruenameoflove!'
Butshallwesupposeanothermotive?--AndthatisLOVE;amotivewhichalltheworldwillexcuseherfor.'Butletmetellalltheworldthatdo,notbecausetheyought,butbecausealltheworldisapttobemisledbyit.'
LetLOVEthenbethemotive:--Loveofwhom?
ALovelace,istheanswer.
'IstherebutoneLovelaceintheworld?MaynotmoreLovelacesbeattractedbysofineafigure?Bysuchexaltedqualities?Itwashercharacterthatdrewmetoher:anditwasherbeautyandgoodsensethatrivettedmychains:andnowalltogethermakemethinkherasubjectworthyofmyattempts,worthyofmyambition.'
Buthasshehadthecandour,theopenness,toacknowledgethatlove?
Shehasnot.
'Wellthen,iflovebeatthebottom,istherenotanotherfaultlurkingbeneaththeshadowofthatlove?--Hasshenotaffectation?--Orisit
prideofheart?'
Andwhatresults?--'IsthenthedivineClarissacapableoflovingamanwhomsheoughtnottolove?Andisshecapableofaffectation?Andishervirtuefoundedinpride?--And,iftheanswertothesequestionsbeaffirmative,mustshenotthenbeawoman?'
Andcanshekeepthisloveatbay?Canshemakehim,whohasbeenaccustomedtotriumphoverotherwomen,tremble?Cansheconductherself,astomakehim,attimes,questionwhethersheloveshimor
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anyman;'yetnothavetherequisitecommandoverthepassionitselfinstepsofthehighestconsequencetoherhonour,asshethinks,'[Iamtryingher,Jack,byherownthoughts,]'butsufferherselftobeprovokedtopromisetoabandonherfather'shouse,andgooffwithhim,knowinghischaracter;andevenconditioningnottomarrytillimprobablyandremotecontingenciesweretocometopass?Whatthoughtheprovocationsweresuchaswouldjustifyanyotherwoman;yetwasaCLARISSAtobesusceptibletoprovocationswhichshethinksherselfhighlycensurableforbeingsomuchmovedby?'
Butletusseethedearcreatureresolvedtorevokeherpromise,yetmeetingherlover;aboldandintrepidman,whowasmorethanoncebeforedisappointedbyher;andwhocomes,assheknows,preparedtoexpectthefruitsofherappointment,andresolvedtocarryheroff.Andletusseehimactuallycarryingheroff,andhavingherathismercy--'Maytherenotbe,Irepeat,otherLovelaces;otherlikeintrepid,perseveringenterprizers;althoughtheymaynotgotoworkinthesameway?
'AndhasthenaCLARISSA(herselfherjudge)failed?--Insuchgreatpointsfailed?--Andmayshenotfurtherfail?--Failinthegreatestpoint,towhichalltheotherpoints,inwhichshehasfailed,havebutanaturaltendency?'
Norsaythou,thatvirtue,intheeyeofHeaven,isasmuchamanlyasawomanlygrace.ByvirtueinthisplaceImeanchastity,andtobesuperiortotemptation;myClarissaoutofthequestion.Noraskthou,shallthemanbeguilty,yetexpectthewomantobeguiltless,andevenunsuspectible?Urgethounotthesearguments,Isay,sincethewife,byafailure,maydomuchmoreinjurytothehusband,thanthehusbandcandotothewife,andnotonlytoherhusband,buttoallhisfamily,byobtrudinganotherman'schildrenintohispossessions,perhapstotheexclusionof(atleasttoaparticipationwith)hisown;hebelievingthemallthetimetobehis.IntheeyeofHeaven,therefore,thesincannotbeequal.BesidesIhavereadinsomeplacesthatthewomanwasmadefortheman,notthemanforthewoman.Virtuethenislesstobedispensedwithinthewomanthanintheman.
Thou,Lovelace,(methinkssomebettermanthanthyselfwillsay,)toexpectsuchperfectioninawoman!
Yes,I,mayIanswer.WasnotthegreatCaesaragreatrakeastowomen?Washenotcalled,byhisverysoldiers,ononeofhistriumphantentriesintoRome,thebald-patedlecher?andwarninggivenofhimtothewives,aswellastothedaughterofhisfellow-citizens?YetdidnotCaesarrepudiatehiswifeforbeingonlyincompanywithClodius,orratherbecauseClodius,thoughbysurpriseuponher,wasfoundinhers?Andwhatwasthereasonhegaveforit?--Itwasthis,(thougharakehimself,asIhavesaid,)andonlythis--ThewifeofCaesarmustnotbesuspected!--
CaesarwasnotaproudermanthanLovelace.
Gotothen,Jack;norsay,norletanybodysay,inthyhearing,thatLovelace,amanvaluinghimselfuponhisancestry,issingularinhisexpectationsofawife'spurity,thoughnotpurehimself.
AstomyCLARISSA,IownthatIhardlythinkthereeverwassuchanangelofawoman.Buthasshenot,asabove,alreadytakensteps,whichsheherselfcondemns?Steps,whichtheworldandherownfamilydid
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notthinkhercapableoftaking?Andforwhichherownfamilywillnotforgiveher?
Northinkitstrange,thatIrefusetohearanythingpleadedinbehalfofastandardvirtuefromhighprovocations.'Arenotprovocationsandtemptationsthetestsofvirtue?Astandardvirtuemustnotbeallowedtobeprovokedtodestroyorannihilateitself.
'Maynotthenthesuccessofhim,whocouldcarryherthusfar,beallowedtobeanencouragementforhimtotrytocarryherfarther?''Tisbuttotry.Whowillbeafraidofatrailforthisdivinecreature?'Thouknowest,thatIhavemorethanonce,twice,orthrice,puttothefierytrialyoungwomenofnameandcharacter;andneveryetmetwithonewhoheldoutamonth;norindeedsolongascouldpuzzlemyinvention.Ihaveconcludedagainstthewholesexuponit.'Andnow,ifIhavenotfoundavirtuethatcannotbecorrupted,Iwillswearthatthereisnotonesuchinthewholesex.Isnotthenthewholesexconcernedthatthistrialshouldbemade?Andwhoisitthatknowsthislady,thatwouldnotstakeuponherheadthehonourofthewhole?--Letherwhowouldrefuseitcomeforth,anddesiretostandinherplace.
Imustassurethee,thatIhaveaprodigioushighopinionofvirtue;asIhaveofallthosegracesandexcellencieswhichIhavenotbeenabletoattainmyself.Everyfree-liverwouldnotsaythis,northink
thus--everyargumentheuses,condemnatoryofhisownactions,assomewouldthink.Butingenuousnesswaseverasignalpartofmycharacter.
Satan,whomthoumayest,ifthouwilt,inthiscase,callmyinstigator,putthegoodmanofoldupontheseveresttrial.'Tohisbehaviourunderthesetrialsthatgoodmanowedhishonourandhisfuturerewards.'Aninnocentperson,ifdoubted,mustwishtobebroughttoafairandcandidtrial.
Rinaldo,indeed,inAriosto,puttheMantuaKnight'scupoftrialfromhim,whichwastobetheproofofhiswife'schastity*--Thiswashisargumentforforbearingtheexperiment:'WhyshouldIseekathinkIshouldbelothtofind?Mywifeisawoman.Thesexisfrail.Icannot
believebetterofherthanIdo.Itwillbetomyownloss,ifIfindreasontothinkworse.'ButRinaldowouldnothaverefusedthetrialofthelady,beforeshebecamehiswife,andwhenhemighthavefoundhisaccountindetectingher.
*Thestorytellsus,thatwhoeverdrankofthiscup,ifhiswifewerechaste,coulddrinkwithoutspilling;ifotherwise,thecontrary.
Formypart,Iwouldnothaveputthecupfromme,thoughmarried,haditbeenbutinhopeoffindingreasontoconfirmmygoodopinionofmywife'shonour;andthatImightknowwhetherIhadasnakeoradovein
mybosom.
Tomypoint--'Whatmustthatvirtuebewhichwillnotstandatrial?--Whatthatwomanwhowouldwishtoshunit?'
Well,then,atrialseemsnecessaryforthefurthestestablishmentofthehonourofsoexcellentacreature.
Andwhoshallputhertothistrial?Who,butthemanwhohas,asshethinks,alreadyinducedherinlesserpointstoswerve?--Andthisfor
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herownsakeinadoublesense--notonly,ashehasbeenabletomakesomeimpression,butassheregretstheimpressionmade;andsomaybepresumedtobeguardedagainsthisfurtherattempts.
Thesituationsheisatpresentin,itmustbeconfessedisadisadvantageousonetoher:but,ifsheovercome,thatwillredoundtoherhonour.
Shunnot,therefore,mydearsoul,furthertrials,norhatemeformakingthem.--'Forwhatwomancanbesaidtobevirtuoustillshehasbeentried?
'Norisoneeffort,onetrial,tobesufficient.Why?Becauseawoman'sheartmayatonetimebeadamant,atanotherwax'--asIhaveoftenexperienced.Andso,nodoubt,hastthou.
Afinetimeofit,methinks,thousayest,wouldthewomanhave,iftheywerealltobetried--!
But,Jack,Iamnotforthatneither.ThoughIamarake,Iamnotarake'sfriend;exceptthineandcompany's.
Andbethisoneofthemoralsofmytediousdiscussion--'Letthelittlerogueswhowouldnotbeputtothequestion,asImaycallit,choose
accordingly.Letthemprefertotheirfavourgoodhonestsoberfellows,whohavenotbeenusedtoplaydog'stricks:whowillbewillingtotakethemastheyoffer;and,whobeingtolerablethemselves,arenotsuspiciousofothers.'
Butwhat,methinksthouaskest,istobecomeoftheladyifshefail?
What?--Whywillshenot,'ifoncesubdued,bealwayssubdued?'Anotherofourlibertinemaxims.Andwhatanimmensepleasuretoamarriage-hater,whatrapturetothought,tobeabletoprevailuponsuchawomanasMissClarissaHarlowetolivewithhim,withoutrealchangeofname!
Butifsheresist--ifnoblyshestandhertrial?--
WhythenIwillmarryher;andblessmystartsforsuchanangelofawife.
Butwillshenothatethee?--willshenotrefuse--
No,no,Jack!--Circumstancedandsituatedasweare,Iamnotafraidofthat.Andhateme!Whyshouldshehatethemanwholovesheruponproof?
Andthenforalittlehintatreprisal--amInotjustifiedinmyresolutionsoftryinghervirtue,whoisresolved,asImaysay,totrymine?Whohasdeclaredthatshewillnotmarryme,tillshehashopesof
myreformation?
Andnow,toputanendtothissoberargumentation,Wiltthounotthyself(whomIhavesupposedanadvocateforthelady,becauseIknowthatLordM.hasputtheeuponusingtheinteresthethinksthouhastinme,topersuademetoenterthepale;wiltthounotthyself)allowmetotryifIcannotawakenthewomaninher?--Totryifshe,withallthatglowingsymmetryofparts,andthatfullbloomofvernalgraces,bywhichsheattractseveryeye,bereallyinflexibleastothegrandarticle?
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Letmebeginthen,asopportunitypresents--Iwill;andwatchhereverysteptofindoneslidingone;hereverymomenttofindthemomentcritical.Andtherather,asshesparesmenot,buttakeseveryadvantagethatofferstopuzzleandplagueme;norexpectnorthinksmetobeagoodman.
Ifshebeawoman,andloveme,Ishallsurelycatchheroncetripping:forlovewaseveratraitortoitsharbourer:andlovewithin,andIwithout,shewillbemorethanwoman,asthepoetsays,orIlessthanman,ifIsucceednot.
Now,Belford,allisout.Theladyismine;shallbemoremine.Marriage,Isee,isinmypower,nowsheisso.Elseperhapsithadnot.IfIcanhaveherwithoutmarriage,whocanblamemefortrying?Ifnot,greatwillbeherglory,andmyfutureconfidence.AndwellwillshemeritthesacrificeIshallmakeherofmyliberty;andfromallhersexhonoursnexttodivine,forgivingaproof,'thattherewasonceawomanwhosevirtuenotrials,nostratagems,notemptations,evenfromthemanshehatednot,couldoverpower.'
Nowwiltthouseeallmycirculation:asinaglasswiltthouseeit.--CABALA,however,istheword;*norletthesecretescapetheeeveninthydreams.
*Thisword,wheneverusedbyanyofthesegentlemen,wasagreedtoimplyaninviolablesecret.
Nobodydoubtsthatsheistobemywife.LetherpassforsuchwhenIgivetheword.'Meantimereformationshallbemystalking-horse;someoneofthewomeninLondon,ifIcangetherhither,mybird.'Andsomuchforthistime.
LETTERXIX
MISSHOWE,TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWE[INANSWERTOLETTERSIX.XV.]
Donotbesomuchconcerned,mydearestfriend,atthebickeringsbetweenmymotherandme.Weloveoneanotherdearlynotwithstanding.Ifmymotherhadnotmetofindfaultwith,shemustfindfaultwithsomebodyelse.Andastome,Iamaverysaucygirl;andwerenotthisoccasion,therewouldbesomeother,toshewit.
Youhaveheardmesay,thatthiswasalwaysthecasebetweenus.
Youcouldnototherwisehaveknownit.Forwhenyouwaswithus,youharmonizedusboth;and,indeed,Iwasalwaysmoreafraidofyouthanofmymother.Butthenthataweisaccompaniedwithlove.Yourreproofs,asIhavealwaysfound,aresocharminglymildandinstructive;soevidentlycalculatedtoimprove,andnottoprovoke;thatageneroustempermustbeamendedbythem.Buthearnow,mindmygoodmamma,whenyouarenotwithus--Youshall,Itellyou,Nancy.Iwillhaveitso.Don'tIknowbest,Iwon'tbedisobeyed.Howcanadaughterofspiritsbearsuchlanguage;suchlookstoowiththelanguage;andnothavealongingmindtodisobey?
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Don'tadviseme,mydear,tosubscribetomymother'sprohibitionofcorrespondencewithyou.Shehasnoreasonforit.Norwouldsheofherownjudgmenthaveprohibitedit.Thatoddoldamblingsoulyouruncle,(whosevisitsarefrequenterthanever,)instigatedbyyourmaliciousandselfishbrotherandsisterintheoccasion.Andtheyhaveonlyborrowedmymother'slips,atthedistancetheyarefromyou,forasortofspeakingtrumpetforthem.Theprohibition,oncemoreIsay,cannotcomefromherheart:Butifitdid,issomuchdangertobeapprehendedfrommycontinuingtowritetooneofmyownsex,asifIwrotetooneoftheother?Don'tletdejectionanddisappointment,andthecourseofoppressionwhichyouhaverunthrough,weakenyourmind,mydearestcreature,andmakeyouseeinconveniencieswheretherepossiblycannotbeany.Ifyourtalentisscribbling,asyoucallit;soismine--andIwillscribbleon,atallopportunities;andtoyou;letthemsaywhattheywill.Norletyourlettersbefilledwiththeself-accusationsyoumention:thereisnocauseforthem.IwishthatyourAnnaHowe,whocontinuesinhermother'shouse,werebuthalfsogoodasMissClarissaHarlowe,whohasbeendrivenoutofherfather's.
IwillsaynothinguponyourlettertoyoursistertillIseetheeffectitwillhave.Youhope,youtellme,thatyoushallhaveyourmoneyandclothessentyou,notwithstandingmyopiniontothecontrary--Iamsorrytohaveittoacquaintyou,thatIhavejustnowheard,thattheyhave
satincounciluponyourletter;andthatyourmotherwastheonlypersonwhowasforsendingyouyourthings,andwasoverruled.Ichargeyouthereforetoacceptofmyoffer,asbymylast:andgivemeparticulardirectionsforwhatyouwant,thatIcansupplyyouwithbesides.
Don'tsetyourthoughtsomuchuponareconciliationastopreventyourlayingholdofanyhandsomeopportunitytogiveyourselfaprotector;suchaoneasthemanwillbe,who,Iimagine,husband-like,willletnobodyinsultyoubuthimself.
Whatcouldhemeanbylettingslipsuchaoneasthatyoumention?Idon'tknowhowtoblameyou;forhowyougobeyondsilenceandblushes,
whenthefoolishfellowcamewithhisobservancesoftherestrictionswhichyoulaidhimunderwheninanothersituation?But,asItoldyouabove,youreallystrikepeopleintoawe.And,uponmyword,youdidnotsparehim.
IrepeatwhatIsaidinmylast,thatyouhaveaveryniceparttoact:andIwilladd,thatyouhaveamindthatismuchtoodelicateforyourpart.Butwhentheloverisexalted,theladymustbehumbled.Heisnaturallyproudandsaucy.Idoubtyoumustengagehispride,whichhecallshishonour:andthatyoumustthrowoffalittlemoreoftheveil.AndIwouldhaveyourestrainyourwishesbeforehim,thatyouhadnotmethim,andthelike.Whatsignifieswishing,mydear?Hewillnotbearit.Youcanhardlyexpectthathewill.
Nevertheless,itvexedmetotheverybottomofmypride,thatanywretchofthatsexshouldbeabletotriumphoverClarissa.
Icannot,however,butsay,thatIamcharmedwithyourspirit.Somuchsweetness,wheresweetnessisrequisite;somuchspirit,wherespiritiscalledfor--whatatruemagnanimity!
ButIdoubt,inyourpresentcircumstances,youmustendeavourafteralittlemoreofthereserve,incaseswhereyouaredispleasedwithhim,
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andpalliatealittle.Thathumilitywhichheputsonwhenyouriseuponhim,isnotnaturaltohim.
MethinksIseethemanhesitating,andlookinglikethefoolyoupainthim,underyourcorrectivesuperiority!--Butheisnotafool.Don'tputhimuponminglingresentmentwithhislove.
Youareveryserious,mydear,inthefirstofthetwolettersbeforeme,inrelationtoMr.Hickmanandme;andinrelationtomymotherandme.Butastothelatter,youmustnotbetoograve.Ifwearenotwelltogetheratonetime,wearenotilltogetheratanother.AndwhileIamabletomakehersmileinthemidstofthemostangryfitsheeverfellintoonthepresentoccasion,(thoughsometimesshewouldnotifshecouldhelpit,)itisaverygoodsign;asignthatdispleasurecannevergodeep,orbelasting.Andthenakindword,orkindlook,toherfavouriteHickman,setstheoneintoraptures,andtheotherintolerablehumour,atanytime.
Butyourcasepainsmeatheart;andwithallmylevity,boththegoodfolksmostsometimespartakeofthatpain;norwillitbeover,aslongasyouareinastateofuncertainty;andespeciallyasIwasnotabletoprevailforthatprotectionforyouwhichwouldhavepreventedtheunhappystep,thenecessityforwhichweboth,withsomuchreason,deplore.
Ihaveonlytoadd(andyetitisneedlesstotellyou)thatIam,andwilleverbe,
Youraffectionatefriendandservant,ANNAHOWE.
LETTERXX
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWE
Youtellme,mydear,thatmyclothesandthelittlesumofmoneyIleftbehindme,willnotbesentme.--ButIwillstillhope.Itisyetearlydays.Whentheirpassionssubside,theywillbetterconsiderofthematter;andespeciallyasIhavemyeverdearandexcellentmotherformyfriendinthisrequest!Othesweetindulgence!Howhasmyheartbled,andhowdoesitstillbleedforher!
Youadvisemenottodependuponareconciliation.Idonot,Icannotdependuponit.Butnevertheless,itisthewishnextmyheart.Andastothisman,whatcanIdo?Yousee,thatmarriageisnotabsolutelyinmyownpower,ifIwereinclinedtopreferittothetrialwhichIthinkIoughttohaveprincipallyinviewtomakeforareconciliation.
Yousay,heisproudandinsolent--indeedheis.Butcanitbeyouropinion,thatheintendstohumblemedowntothelevelofhismeanpride?
Andwhatmeanyou,mydearfriend,whenyousay,thatImustthrowoffalittlemoreoftheveil?--IndeedIneverknewthatIworeone.Letmeassureyou,thatifIneverseeanythinginMr.Lovelacethatlookslikeadesigntohumbleme,hisinsolenceshallnevermakemediscoveraweaknessunworthyofapersondistinguishedbyyourfriendship;thatis
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tosay,unworthyeitherofmysex,orofmyformerself.
ButIhope,asIamoutofallotherprotection,thatheisnotcapableofmeanorlowresentments.Ifhehashadanyextraordinarytroubleonmyaccount,mayhenotthankhimselfforit?Hemay;andlayit,ifhepleases,tohischaracter;which,asIhavetoldhim,gaveatleastapretencetomybrotheragainsthim.Andthen,didIevermakehimanypromises?DidIeverprofessaloveforhim?DidIeverwishforthecontinuanceofhisaddress?Hadnotmybrother'sviolenceprecipitatedmatters,wouldnotmyindifferencetohiminalllikelihood(asIdesigneditshould)havetiredouthisproudspirit,*andmakehimsetoutforLondon,whereheusedchieflytoreside?Andifhehad,wouldnottherehavebeenanendofallhispretensionsandhopes?FornoencouragementhadIgivenhim;nordidIthencorrespondwithhim.Nor,believeme,shouldIhavebeguntodoso--thefatalrencounternothavingthenhappened;whichdrewmeinafterwardsforothers'sakes(foolthatIwas!)andnotformyown.Andcanyouthink,orcanhe,thateventhisbuttemporarily-intendedcorrespondence(which,bytheway,mymother*connivedat)wouldhaveendedthus,hadInotbeendrivenononehand,andteasedontheother,tocontinueit,theoccasionwhichhadatfirstinduceditcontinuing?Whatpretencethenhashe,wereItobeabsolutelyinhispower,toavengehimselfonmeforthefaultsofothers,andthroughwhichIhavesufferedmorethanhe?Itcannot,cannotbe,thatIshouldhavecausetoapprehendhimto
besoungenerous,sobadaman.
*SeeVol.I.LetterIV.
Youbidmenottobeconcernedatthebickeringsbetweenyourmotherandyou.CanIavoidconcern,whenthosebickeringsareonmyaccount?Thattheyareraised(instigatedshallIsay?)bymyuncle,andmyotherrelations,surelymustaddtomyconcern.
ButImustobserve,perhapstoocriticallyforthestatemymindisinatpresent,thattheverysentencesyougivefromyourmother,asinso
manyimperatives,whichyoutakeamiss,areveryseverereflectionsuponyourself.Forinstance--Youshall,Itellyou,Nancy,impliesthatyouhaddisputedherwill--andsooftherest.
Andfurtherletmeobserve,withrespecttowhatyousay,thattherecannotbethesamereasonforaprohibitionofcorrespondencewithme,astherewasofminewithMr.Lovelace;thatIthoughtaslittleofbadconsequencesfrommycorrespondencewithhimatthetime,asyoucandofromyourswithmenow.But,ifobediencebeaduty,thebreachofitisafault,howevercircumstancesmaydiffer.Surelythereisnomeritinsettingupourownjudgmentagainstthejudgmentsofourparents.Andifitispunishablesotodo,Ihavebeenseverelypunished;andthatiswhatIwarnedyouoffrommyowndearexperience.
Yet,Godforgiveme!Iadvisethusagainstmyselfwithverygreatreluctance:and,tosaytruth,havenotstrengthofmind,atpresent,todeclineitmyself.But,ifmyoccasiongonotoff,Iwilltakeitintofurtherconsideration.
Yougivemeverygoodadviceinrelationtothisman;andIthankyouforit.Whenyoubidmebemoreuponthereservewithhiminexpressingmydispleasure,perhapsImaytryforit:buttopalliate,asyoucallit,that,mydearestMissHowe,cannotbedone,by
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Yourown,CLARISSAHARLOWE.
LETTERXXI
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWE
Youmaybelieve,mydearMissHowe,thatthecircumstancesofthenoiseandoutcrywithinthegarden-door,onMondaylast,gavemenosmalluneasiness,tothinkthatIwasinthehandsofaman,whocould,bysuchvilepremeditation,layasnaretotrickmeoutofmyself,asIhavesofrequentlycalledit.
Wheneverhecameinmysight,thethoughtofthisgavemeanindignationthatmadehispresencedisgustfultome;andthemore,asIfanciedIbeheldinhisfaceatriumphwhichreproachedmyweaknessonthataccount;althoughperhapsitwasonlythesamevivacityandplacidnessthatgenerallysituponhisfeatures.
Iwasresolvedtotaskhimuponthissubject,thefirsttimeIcould
havepatiencetoenteruponitwithhim.For,besidesthatitpiquedmeexcessivelyfromthenatureoftheartifice,Iexpectedshufflingandevasion,ifhewereguilty,thatwouldhaveincensedme:and,ifnotconfessedlyguilty,suchunsatisfactorydeclarationsasstillwouldhavekeptmyminddoubtfulanduneasy;andwould,uponeverynewoffencethathemightgiveme,sharpenmydisgusttome.
IhavehadtheopportunityIwaitedfor;andwilllaybeforeyoutheresult.
Hewasmakinghiscourttomygoodopinioninverypoliteterms,andwithgreatseriousnesslamentingthathehadlostit;declaring,thatheknewnothowhehaddeservedtodoso;attributingtomeanindifference
tohim,thatseemed,tohisinfiniteconcern,hourlytoincrease,Andhebesoughtmetolethimknowmywholemind,thathemighthaveanopportunityeithertoconfesshisfaultsandamendthem,orclearhisconducttomysatisfaction,andtherebyentitlehimselftoagreatershareofmyconfidence.
Iansweredhimwithquickness--Then,Mr.Lovelace,Iwilltellyouonethingwithafrankness,thatis,perhaps,moresuitabletomycharacterthantoyours,[Hehopednot,hesaid,]whichgivesmeaverybadopinionofyou,asadesigning,artfulman.
Iamallattention,Madam.
Inevercanthinktolerablyofyou,whilethenoiseandvoiceIheardatthegarden-door,whichputmeintotheterroryoutooksomuchadvantageof,remainsunaccountedfor.Tellmefairly,tellmecandidly,thewholeofthatcircumstance;andofyourdealingswiththatwickedJosephLeman;and,accordingtoyourexplicitnessinthisparticular,Ishallformajudgmentofyourfutureprofessions.
Iwill,withoutreserve,mydearestlife,saidhe,tellyouthewhole;andhopethatmysincerityintherelationwillatoneforanythingyoumaythinkwronginthefact.
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'Iknewnothing,saidhe,ofthisman,thisLeman,andshouldhavescornedaresorttosolowamethodasbribingtheservantofanyfamilytoletmeintothesecretsofthatfamily,ifIhadnotdetectedhiminattemptingtocorruptaservantofmine,toinformhimofallmymotions,ofallmysupposedintrigues,and,inshort,ofeveryactionofmyprivatelife,aswellasofmycircumstancesandengagements;andthisformotivestooobvioustobedweltupon.
'Myservanttoldmeofhisoffers,andIorderedhim,unknowntothefellow,toletmehearaconversationthatwastopassbetweenthem.
'Inthemidstofit,andjustashehadmadeanofferofmoneyforaparticularpieceofintelligence,promisingmorewhenprocured,Ibrokeinuponthem,andbybluster,callingforaknifetocutoffhisears(oneofwhichItookholdof)inordertomakeapresentofit,asIsaid,tohisemployers,Iobligedhimtotellmewhotheywere.
'Yourbrother,Madam,andyouruncleAntony,henamed.
'Itwasnotdifficult,whenIhadgivenhimmypardononnamingthem,(afterIhadsetbeforehimtheenormityofthetaskhehadundertaken,andthehonourablenessofmyintentionstoyourdearself,)toprevailuponhim,byalargerreward,toserveme;since,atthesametime,he
mightpreservethefavourofyouruncleandbrother,asIdesiredtoknownothingbutwhatrelatedtomyselfandtoyou,inordertoguardusbothagainsttheeffectsofanill-will,whichallhisfellow-servants,aswellashimself,asheacknowledged,thoughtundeserved.
'Bythismeans,Iowntoyou,Madam,Ifrequentlyturnedhisprincipalsaboutuponapivotofmyown,unknowntothemselves:andthefellow,whoisalwayscallinghimselfaplainman,andboastingofhisconscience,wastheeasier,asIcondescendedfrequentlytoassurehimofmyhonourableviews;andasheknewthattheuseImadeofhisintelligence,inalllikelihood,preventedfatalmischiefs.
'Iwasthemorepleasedwithhisservices,as(letmeacknowledge
toyou,Madam)theyprocuredtoyou,unknowntoyourself,asafeanduninterruptedegress(whichperhapswouldnototherwisehavebeencontinuedtoyousolongasitwas)tothegardenandwood-house:forheundertook,tothem,towatchallyourmotions:andthemorecheerfully,(forthefellowlovesyou,)asitkeptoffthecuriosityofothers.'*
*SeeVol.II.LetterXXXVI.
So,mydear,itcomesout,thatImyselfwasobligedtothisdeepcontriver.
Isatinsilentastonishment;andthushewenton.
'Astothecircumstance,forwhichyouthinksohardlyofme,Idofreelyconfess,thathavingasuspicionthatyouwouldrevokeyourintentionofgettingaway,andinthatcaseapprehendingthatweshouldnothavethetimetogetherthatwasnecessaryforthatpurpose;Ihadorderedhimtokeepoffeverybodyhecouldkeepoff,andtobehimselfwithinaviewofthegarden-door;forIwasdetermined,ifpossible,toinduceyoutoadheretoyourresolution.'--
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Butpray,Sir,interruptinghim,howcameyoutoapprehendthatIshouldrevokemyintention?Ihadindeeddepositedalettertothatpurpose;butyouhaditnot:andhow,asIhadreservedtomyselftheprivilegeofarevocation,didyouknow,butImighthaveprevaileduponmyfriends,andsohaverevokedupongoodgrounds?
'Iwillbeveryingenuous,Madam--Youhadmademehopethatifyouchangedyourmind,youwouldgivemeameetingtoapprizemeofthereasonsforit.Iwenttotheloosebricks,andIsawtheletterthere:andasIknewyourfriendswereimmovablyfixedintheirschemes,Idoubtednotbuttheletterwastorevokeorsuspendyourresolution;andprobablytoserveinsteadofameetingtoo.Ithereforeletitlie,thatifyoudidrevoke,youmightbeunderthenecessityofmeetingmeforthesakeoftheexpectationyouhadgivenme:andasIcameprepared,Iwasresolved,pardonme,Madam,whateverwereyourintentions,thatyoushouldnotgoback.HadItakenyourletterImusthavebeendeterminedbythecontentsofit,forthepresentatleast:butnothavingreceivedit,andyouhavingreasontothinkIwantednotresolutioninasituationsodesperate,tomakeyourfriendsapersonalvisit,Idependedupontheinterviewyouhadbidmehopefor.'
Wickedwretch,saidI;itismygrief,thatIgaveyouopportunitytotakesoexactameasureofmyweakness!--Butwouldyouhavepresumedtovisitthefamily,hadInotmetyou?
IndeedIwould.Ihadsomefriendsinreadiness,whoweretohaveaccompaniedmetothem.Andhadyourfatherrefusedtogivemeaudience,IwouldhavetakenmyfriendswithmetoSolmes.
AndwhatdidyouintendtodotoMr.Solmes?
Nottheleasthurt,hadthemanbeenpassive.
Buthadhenotbeenpassive,asyoucallit,whatwouldyouhavedonetoMr.Solmes?
Hewasloth,hesaidtotellme--yetnottheleasthurttohisperson.
Irepeatedmyquestion.
Ifhemusttellme,heonlyproposedtocarryoffthepoorfellow,andtohidehimforamonthortwo.Andthishewouldhavedone,letwhatwouldhavebeentheconsequence.
Waseversuchawretchheardof!--Isighedfromthebottomofmyheart;butbidhimproceedfromthepartIhadinterruptedhimat.
'Iorderedthefellow,asItoldyou,Madam,saidhe,tokeepwithinviewofthegarden-door:andifhefoundanyparleybetweenus,andanybodycoming(beforeyoucouldretreatundiscovered)whosecomingmight
beattendedwithviolenteffects,heshouldcryout;andthisnotonlyinordertosavehimselffromtheirsuspicionsofhim,buttogivemewarningtomakeoff,and,ifpossible,toinduceyou(Iownit,Madam)togooffwithme,accordingtoyourownappointment.AndIhopeallcircumstancesconsidered,andthedangerIwasinoflosingyouforever,thattheacknowledgementofthatcontrivance,orifyouhadnotmetme,thatuponSolmes,willnotprocuremeyourhatred:for,hadtheycomeasIexpectedaswellasyou,whatadespicablewretchhadIbeen,couldIhaveleftyoutotheinsultsofabrotherandotherofyourfamily,whosemercywascrueltywhentheyhadnotthepretencewith
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whichthisdetectedinterviewwouldhavefurnishedthem!'
Whatawretch!saidI.--Butif,Sir,takingyourownaccountofthisstrangemattertobefact,anybodywerecoming,howhappenedit,thatIsawonlythatmanLeman(Ithoughtitwashe)outatthedoor,andatadistance,lookafterus?
Verylucky!saidhe,puttinghishandfirstinonepocket,theninanother--IhopeIhavenotthrownitaway--itis,perhaps,inthecoatIhadonyesterday--littledidIthinkitwouldbenecessarytobeproduced--butIlovetocometoademonstrationwheneverIcan--Imaybegiddy--Imaybeheedless.Iamindeed--butnoman,astoyou,Madam,everhadasincererheart.
Hethensteppingtotheparlour-door,calledhisservanttobringhimthecoathehadonyesterday.
Theservantdid.Andinthepocket,rumpledupasapaperheregardednot,hepulledoutaletter,writtenbythatJoseph,datedMondaynight;inwhich'hebegspardonforcryingoutsosoon--says,Thathisfearsofbeingdiscoveredtoactonbothsides,hadmadehimtaketherushingofalittledog(thatalwaysfollowshim)throughthephyllirea-hedge,forBetty'sbeingathand,orsomeofhismasters:andthatwhenhefoundhismistake,heopenedthedoorbyhisownkey(whichthecontriving
wretchconfessedhehadfurnishedhimwith)andinconsideratelyranoutinahurry,tohaveapprizedhimthathiscryingoutwasowingtohisfrightonly:'andheadded,'thattheywereuponthehuntforme,bythetimehereturned.*
*SeehisLettertoJosephLeman,Vol.III.No.III.towardstheend,wherehetellshim,hewouldcontriveforhimaletterofthisnaturetocopy.
Ishookmyhead--Deep!deep!deep!saidI,atthebest!--OMr.Lovelace!Godforgiveandreformyou!--Butyouare,Iseeplainly,(uponthewholeofyourownaccount,)averyartful,averydesigningman.
Love,mydearestlife,isingenious.NightanddayhaveIrackedmystupidbrain[OSir,thoughtI,notstupid!'Twerewellperhapsifitwere]tocontrivemethodstopreventthesacrificedesignedtobemadeofyou,andthemischiefthatmusthaveensueduponit:solittleholdinyouraffections:suchundeservedantipathyfromyourfriends:somuchdangeroflosingyouforeverfrombothcauses.IhavenothadforthewholefortnightbeforelastMonday,halfanhour'srestatatime.AndIowntoyou,Madam,thatIshouldneverhaveforgivenmyself,hadIomittedanycontrivanceorforethoughtthatwouldhavepreventedyourreturnwithoutme.
AgainIblamedmyselfformeetinghim:andjustly;fortherewere
manychancestoone,thatIhadnotmethim.AndifIhadnot,allhisfortnight'scontrivances,astome,wouldhavecometonothing;and,perhaps,ImightneverthelesshaveescapedSolmes.
Yet,hadheresolvedtocometoHarlowe-placewithhisfriends,andbeeninsulted,ashecertainlywouldhavebeen,whatmischiefsmighthavefollowed!
ButhisresolutionstorunawaywithandtohidethepoorSolmesforamonthorso,Omydear!whatawretchhaveIletrunawaywithme,
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insteadofSolmes!
Iaskedhim,ifhethoughtsuchenormitiesasthese,suchdefiancesofthelawsofsociety,wouldhavepassedunpunished?
Hehadtheassurancetosay,withoneofhisusualgayairs,Thatheshouldbythismeanshavedisappointedhisenemies,andsavedmefromaforcedmarriage.Hehadnopleasureinsuchdesperatepushes.Solmeshewouldnothavepersonallyhurt.Hemusthavefledhiscountry,foratimeatleast:and,truly,ifhehadbeenobligedtodoso,(asallhishopesofmyfavourmusthavebeenatanend,)hewouldhavehadafellow-travellerofhisownsexoutofourfamily,whomIlittlethoughtof.
Waseversuchawretch!--Tobesurehemeantmybrother!
Andsuch,Sir,saidI,inhighresentment,aretheusesyoumakeofyourcorruptintelligencer--
Mycorruptintelligencer,Madam!interruptedme,Heistothishouryourbrother'saswellasmine.BywhatIhaveingenuouslytoldyou,youmayseewhobeganthiscorruption.Letmeassureyou,Madam,thattherearemanyfreethingswhichIhavebeenguiltyofasreprisals,inwhichIwouldnothavebeentheaggressor.
AllthatIshallfurthersayonthishead,Mr.Lovelace,isthis:thatasthisviledouble-facedwretchhasprobablybeenthecauseofgreatmischiefonbothsides,andstillcontinues,asyouown,hiswickedpractices,Ithinkitwouldbebutjust,tohavemyfriendsapprizedwhatacreatureheiswhomsomeofthemencourage.
Whatyouplease,Madam,astothat--myservice,aswellasyourbrother'sisnowalmostoverforhim.Thefellowhasmadeagoodhandofit.Hedoesnotintendtostaylonginhisplace.Heisnowactuallyintreatyforaninn,whichwilldohisbusinessforlife.Icantellyoufurther,thathemakeslovetoyoursister'sBetty:andthatbymyadvice.Theywillbemarriedwhenheisestablished.Aninnkeeper's
wifeiseveryman'smistress;andIhaveaschemeinmyheadtosetsomeenginesatworktomakeherrepenthersaucybehaviourtoyoutothelastdayofherlife.
Whatawickedschemeryouare,Sir!--Whoshallavengeuponyouthestillgreaterevilswhichyouhavebeenguiltyof?IforgiveBettywithallmyheart.Shewasnotmyservant;andbuttooprobably,inwhatshedid,obeyedthecommandsofhertowhomsheowedduty,betterthanIobeyedthosetowhomIowedmore.
Nomatterforthat,thewretchsaid[Tobesure,mydear,hemustdesigntomakemeafraidofhim]:Thedecreewasgoneout--Bettymustsmart--smarttoobyanactofherownchoice.Heloved,hesaid,to
makebadpeopletheirownpunishers.--Nay,Madam,excuseme;butifthefellow,ifthisJoseph,inyouropinion,deservespunishment,mineisacomplicated;amanandhiswifecannotwellsufferseparately,anditmaycomehometohimtoo.
Ihadnopatiencewithhim.Itoldhimso.Isee,Sir,saidI,Isee,whatamanIamwith.Yourrattlewarnsmeofthesnake.--AndawayIflung:leavinghimseeminglyvexed,andinconfusion.
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LETTERXXII
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWE
Myplain-dealingwithMr.Lovelace,onseeinghimagain,andthefreedislikeIexpressedtohisways,hismanners,andhiscontrivances,aswellastohisspeeches,haveobligedhimtorecollecthimselfalittle.Hewillhaveit,thatthemenaceswhichhethrewoutjustnowagainstmybrotherandMr.Solmes,areonlytheeffectofanunmeaningpleasantry.Hehastoogreatastakeinhiscountry,hesays,tobeguiltyofsuchenterprisesasshouldlayhimunderanecessityofquittingitforever.Twentythings,particularly,hesays,hehassufferedJosephLemantotellhimof,thatwerenot,andcouldnotbetrue,inordertomakehimselfformidableinsomepeople'seyes,andthispurelywithaviewtopreventmischief.Heisunhappy,asfarasheknows,inaquickinvention;inhittingreadilyuponexpedients;andmanythingsarereportedofhimwhichheneversaid,andmanywhichheneverdid,andotherswhichhehasonlytalkedof,(asjustnow,)andwhichhehasforgotassoonasthewordshavepassedhislips.
Thismaybeso,inpart,mydear.Noonemansoyoungcouldbeso
wickedashehasbeenreportedtobe.Butsuchamanattheheadofsuchwretchesasheissaidtohaveathisbeck,allmenoffortuneandfearlessness,andcapableofsuchenterprisesasIhaveunhappilyfoundhimcapableof,whatisnottobeapprehendedfromhim!
Hiscarelessnessabouthischaracterisoneofhisexcuses:averybadone.Whathopecanawomanhaveofamanwhovaluesnothisownreputation?--Thesegaywretchesmay,inmixedconversation,divertforanhour,orso:butthemanofprobity,themanofvirtue,isthemanthatistobethepartnerforlife.Whatwoman,whocouldhelpit,wouldsubmitittothecourtesyofawretch,whoavowsadisregardtoallmoralsanctions,whetherhewillperformhispartofthematrimonialobligation,andtreatherwithtolerablepoliteness?
Withthesenotions,andwiththesereflections,tobethrownuponsuchamanmyself!--WouldtoHeaven--Butwhatavailwishesnow?--TowhomcanIfly,ifIwouldflyfromhim?
LETTERXXIII
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.FRIDAY,APRIL14.
NeverdidIhearofsuchaparceloffoolishtoadsastheseHarlowes!--Why,Belford,theladymustfall,ifeveryhairofherheadwereaguardianangel,unlesstheyweretomakeavisibleappearanceforher,or,snatchingherfrommeatunawares,woulddrawherafterthemintothestarryregions.
AllIhadtoapprehend,was,thatadaughter,soreluctantlycarriedoff,wouldoffertermstoherfather,andwouldbeaccepteduponamutualconcedence;theytogiveupSolmes;shetogiveupme.AndsoIwascontrivingtodoallIcouldtoguardagainstthelatter.Butthey
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seemresolvedtoperfecttheworktheyhavebegun.
Whatstupidcreaturesarethereintheworld!Thisfoolishbrothernottoknow,thathewhowouldbebribedtoundertakeabasethingbyone,wouldbeover-bribedtoretortthebaseness;especiallywhenhecouldbeputintothewaytoservehimselfbyboth!--Thou,Jack,wiltneverknowonehalfofmycontrivances.
HehererelatestheconversationbetweenhimandtheLady(uponthesubjectofthenoiseandexclamationshisagentmadeatthegarden-door)tothesameeffectasintheLady'sLetter,No.XXI.andproceedsexulting:
Whatacapacityforgloriousmischiefhasthyfriend!--Yethownearthetruthallofit!Theonlyderivation,myassertingthatthefellowmadethenoisesbymistake,andthroughfright,andnotbypreviousdirection:hadsheknowntheprecisetruth,heranger,tobesotakenin,wouldneverhaveletherforgiveme.
HadIbeenamilitaryhero,Ishouldhavemadegunpowderuseless;forIshouldhaveblownupallmyadversariesbydintofstratagem,turningtheirowndevicesuponthem.
Butthesefathersandmothers--Lordhelp'em!--Werenotthepowersofnaturestrongerthanthoseofdiscretion,andwerenotthatbusydeabonatoaffordhergenialaids,tilltardyprudencequalifiedparentstomanagetheirfutureoffspring,howfewpeoplewouldhavechildren!
JamesandArabellamayhavetheirmotives;butwhatcanbesaidforafatheractingasthisfatherhasacted?Whatforamother?Whatforanaunt?Whatforuncles?--Whocanhavepatiencewithsuchfellowsandfellowesses?
Soonwillthefaironehearhowhightheirfoolishresentmentsrunagainsther:andthenwillshe,itistobehoped,havealittlemoreconfidenceinme.ThenwillIbejealousthatshelovesmenotwiththe
preferencemyheartbuildsupon:thenwillIbringhertoconfessionsofgratefullove:andthenwillIkissherwhenIplease;andnotstandtrembling,asnow,likeahungryhound,whoseesadeliciousmorselwithinhisreach,(thefrothhanginguponhisvermilionjaws,)yetdaresnotleapatitforhislife.
ButIwasoriginallyabashfulmortal.IndeedIambashfulstillwithregardtothislady--Bashful,yetknowthesexsowell!--ButthatindeedisthereasonthatIknowitsowell:--For,Jack,Ihavehadabundantcause,whenIhavelookedintomyself,bywayofcomparisonwiththeothersex,toconcludethatabashfulmanhasagooddealofthesoulofawoman;andso,likeTiresias,cantellwhattheythink,andwhattheydriveat,aswellasthemselves.
ThemodestonesandI,particularly,areprettymuchuponapar.Thedifferencebetweenusisonly,whattheythink,Iact.Buttheimmodestonesout-dotheworstofusbyabar'slength,bothinthinkingandacting.
Oneargumentletmepleadinproofofmyassertion;Thatevenwerakeslovemodestyinawoman;whilethemodestwoman,astheyareaccounted,(thatistosay,theslyest,)love,andgenerallyprefer,animpudentman.Whencecanthisbe,butfromalikenessinnature?Andthismade
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thepoetsay,Thateverwomanisarakeinherheart.Itconcernsthem,bytheiractions,toprovethecontrary,iftheycan.
ThushaveIreadinsomeofthephilosophers,Thatnowickednessiscomparabletothewickednessofawoman.*Canstthoutellme,Jack,whosaysthis?WasitSocrates?forhehadthedevilofawife--Orwho?OrisitSolomon?--KingSolomon--Thouremembresttohavereadofsuchaking,dostthounot?SOL-O-MON,Ilearned,inmyinfantstate[mymotherwasagoodwoman]toanswer,whenasked,Whowasthewisestman?--Butmyindulgentquestionerneveraskedmehowhecamebytheuninspiredpartofhiswisdom.
*Mr.LovelaceisasmuchoutinhisconjectureofSolomon,asofSocrates.ThepassageisinEcclesiasticus,chap.xxv.
Come,come,Jack,youandIarenotsoverybad,couldwebutstopwhereweare.
HethengivestheparticularsofwhatpassedbetweenhimandtheLadyonhismenacesrelatingtoherbrotherandMr.Solmes,andofhisdesigntopunishBettyBarnesandJosephLeman.
LETTERXXIV
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWEFRIDAY,APR.14.
IwillnowgiveyoutheparticularsofaconversationthathasjustpassedbetweenMr.Lovelaceandme,whichImustcallagreeable.
Itbeganwithhistellingme,thathehadjustreceivedintelligence
thatmyfriendswereonasuddencometoaresolutiontolayasideallthoughtsofpursuingme,orofgettingmeback:andthatthereforeheattendedmetoknowofmypleasure;andwhatIwoulddo,orhavehimdo?
Itoldhim,thatIwouldhavehimleavemedirectly;andthat,whenitwasknowntoeverybodythatIwasabsolutelyindependentofhim,itwouldpass,thatIhadleftmyfather'shousebecauseofmybrother'sillusageofme:whichwasapleathatImightmakewithjustice,andtotheexcuseofmyfather,aswellasofmyself.
Hemildlyreplied,thatifwecouldbecertainthatmyrelationswouldadheretothistheirnewresolution,hecouldhavenoobjection,sincesuchwasmypleasure;but,ashewaswellassuredthattheyhadtakenit
onlyfromapprehensions,thatamoreactiveonemightinvolvemybrother(whohadbreathednothingbutrevenge)insomefatalmisfortune,therewastoomuchreasontobelievethattheywouldresumetheirformerpurposethemomenttheyshouldthinktheysafelymight.
This,Madam,saidhe,isarisqueIcannotrun.YouwouldthinkitstrangeifIcould.Andyet,assoonasIknewtheyhadsogivenout,Ithoughtitpropertoapprizeyouofit,andtakeyourcommandsuponit.
Letmehear,saidI,(willingtotryifhehadanyparticularview,)
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whatyouthinkmostadvisable?
'Tisveryeasytosaythat,ifIdurst--ifImightnotoffendyou--ifitwerenottobreakconditionsthatshallbeinviolablewithme.
Saythen,Sir,whatyouwouldsay.Icanapproveordisapprove,asIthinkfit.
Hadnotthemanafineopportunityheretospeakout?--Hehad.Andthusheusedit.
Towave,Madam,whatIwouldsaytillIhavemorecouragetospeakout[Morecourage,--Mr.Lovelacemorecourage,mydear!]--IwillonlyproposewhatIthinkwillbemostagreeabletoyou--suppose,ifyouchoosenottogotoLadyBetty's,thatyoutakeaturncrossthecountrytoWindsor?
WhytoWindsor?
Becauseitisapleasantplace:becauseitliesinthewayeithertoBerkshire,toOxford,ortoLondon:Berkshire,whereLordM.isatpresent:Oxford,intheneighbourhoodofwhichlivesLadyBetty:London,whitheryoumayretireatyourpleasure:or,ifyouwillhaveitso,whitherImaygo,youstayingatWindsor;andyetbewithinaneasy
distanceofyou,ifanythingshouldhappen,orifyourfriendsshouldchangetheirnew-takenresolution.
Thisproposal,however,displeasedmenot.ButIsaid,myonlyobjectionwas,thedistanceofWindsorfromMissHowe,ofwhomIshouldbegladtobealwayswithintwoorthreehoursreachofbymessenger,ifpossible.
IfIhadthoughtsofanyotherplacethanWindsor,ornearertoMissHowe,hewantedbutmycommands,andwouldseekforproperaccommodations:but,fixasIpleased,fartherornearer,hehadservants,andtheyhadnothingelsetodobuttoobeyme.
Agratefulthingthenhenamedtome--TosendformyHannah,assoonas
Ishallbefixed;*unlessIwouldchooseoneoftheyounggentlewomenheretoattendme;bothofwhom,asIhadacknowledged,wereveryobliging;andheknewIhadgenerosityenoughtomakeitworththeirwhile.
*SeehisreasonsforproposingWindsor,LetterXXV.--andherHannah,LetterXXVI.
ThisofHannah,hemightsee,Itookverywell.IsaidIhadthoughtsofsendingforher,assoonasIgottomoreconvenientlodgings.Astotheseyounggentlewomen,itwerepitytobreakinuponthatusefulness
whichthewholefamilywereoftoeachother;eachhavingherproperpart,andperformingitwithanagreeablealacrity:insomuch,thatIlikedthemallsowell,thatIcouldevenpassmydaysamongthem,werehetoleaveme;bywhichmeansthelodgingswouldbemoreconvenienttomethannowtheywere.
Heneednotrepeathisobjectionstothisplace,hesaid:butastogoingtoWindsor,orwhereverelseIthoughtfit,orastohispersonalattendance,orleavingme,hewouldassureme(heveryagreeablysaid)thatIcouldproposenothinginwhichIthoughtmyreputation,andeven
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mypunctilio,concerned,thathewouldnotcheerfullycomeinto.AndsinceIwassomuchtakenupwithmypen,hewouldinstantlyorderhishorsetobegotready,andwouldsetout.
Nottobeoffmycaution.HaveyouanyacquaintanceatWindsor?saidI.--Knowyouofanyconvenientlodgingsthere?
Excepttheforest,repliedhe,whereIhaveoftenhunted,IknowtheleastofWindsorofanyplacesonotedandsopleasant.IndeedIhavenotasingleacquaintancethere.
Uponthewhole,Itoldhim,thatIthoughthisproposalofWindsor,notamiss;andthatIwouldremovethither,ifIcouldgetalodgingonlyformyself,andanupperchamberforHannah;forthatmystockofmoneywasbutsmall,aswaseasytobeconceivedandIshouldbeverylothtobeobligedtoanybody.Iadded,thatthesoonerIremovedthebetter;forthatthenhecouldhavenoobjectiontogotoLondon,orBerkshire,ashepleased:andIshouldleteverybodyknowmyindependence.
Heagainproposedhimself,inverypoliteterms,formybanker.ButI,ascivilly,declinedhisoffer.
Thisconversationwastobe,allofit,inthemain,agreeable.HeaskedwhetherIwouldchoosetolodgeinthetownofWindsor,oroutofit?
Asnearthecastle,Isaid,aspossible,fortheconvenienceofgoingconstantlytothepublicworship;anopportunityIhadbeenverylongdeprivedof.
Heshouldbeveryglad,hetoldme,ifhecouldprocuremeaccommodationsinanyoneofthecanon'shouses;whichheimaginedwouldbemoreagreeabletomethananyother,onmanyaccounts.Andashecoulddependuponmypromise,Nevertohaveanyothermanbuthimself,ontheconditiontowhichhehadsocheerfullysubscribed,heshouldbeeasy;sinceitwasnowhispart,inearnest,tosetaboutrecommendinghimselftomyfavour,bytheonlywayheknewitwouldbedone.Adding,withaveryseriousair--Iambutayoungman,Madam;butIhaveruna
longcourse:letnotyourpurityofmindinclineyoutodespisemefortheacknowledgement.Itishightimetobewearyofit,andtoreform;since,likeSolomon,Icansay,Thereisnothingnewunderthesun:butthatitismybelief,thatalifeofvirtuecanaffordsuchpleasures,onreflection,aswillbeforeverblooming,forevernew!
Iwasagreeablysurprised.Ilookedathim,Ibelieve,asifIdoubtedmyearsandmyeyes.Hisaspecthoweverbecamehiswords.
Iexpressedmysatisfactionintermssoagreeabletohim,thathesaid,hefoundadelightinthisearlydawningofabetterdaytohim,andinmyapprobation,whichhehadneverreceivedfromthesuccessofthemostfavouredofhispursuits.
Surely,mydear,themanmustbeinearnest.Hecouldnothavesaidthis;hecouldnothavethoughtit,hadhenot.Whatfollowedmademestillreadiertobelievehim.
Inthemidstofmywildvagaries,saidhe,Ihaveeverpreservedareverenceforreligion,andforreligiousmen.Ialwayscalledanothercause,whenanyofmylibertinecompanions,inpursuanceofLordShaftesbury'stest(whichisapartoftherake'screed,andwhatImaycallthewhetstoneofinfidelity,)endeavouredtoturnthesacred
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subjectintoridicule.OnthisveryaccountIhavebeencalledbygoodmenoftheclergy,whoneverthelesswouldhaveitthatIwasapracticalrake,thedecentrake:andindeedIhadtoomuchprideinmyshame,todisownthenameofrake.
This,Madam,Iamthereadiertoconfess,asitmaygiveyouhope,thatthegeneroustaskofmyreformation,whichIflattermyselfyouwillhavethegoodnesstoundertake,willnotbesodifficultaoneasyoumayhaveimagined;forithasaffordedmesomepleasureinmyretiredhours,whenatemporaryremorsehasstruckmeforanythingIhavedoneamiss,thatIshouldonedaydelightinanothercourseoflife:for,unlesswecan,Idaresay,nodurablegoodistobeexpectedfromtheendeavour.Yourexample,Madam,mustdoall,mustconfirmall.*
*Thatheproposesonedaytoreform,andthathehassometimesgoodmotions,seeVol.I.LetterXXXIV.
Thedivinegrace,orfavour,Mr.Lovelace,mustdoall,andconfirmall.Youknownothowmuchyoupleaseme,thatIcantalktoyouinthisdialect.
AndIthenthoughtofhisgenerositytohisprettyrustic;andofhis
kindnesstohistenants.
Yet,Madam,bepleasedtorememberonething;reformationcannotbeasuddenwork.Ihaveinfinitevivacity:itisthatwhichrunsawaywithme.Judge,dearestMadam,bywhatIamgoingtoconfess,thatIhaveaprodigiouswaytojourneyon,beforeagoodpersonwillthinkmetolerable;sincethoughIhavereadinsomeofourperfectionistsenoughtomakeabettermanthanmyselfeitherrunintomadnessordespairaboutthegraceyoumention,yetIcannotenterintothemeaningoftheword,norintothemodusofitsoperation.Letmenotthenbechecked,whenImentionyourexampleformyvisiblereliance;andinsteadofusingsuchwords,tillIcanbetterunderstandthem,supposealltherestincludedintheprofessionofthatreliance.
Itoldhim,that,althoughIwassomewhatconcernedathisexpression,andsurprisedatsomuchdarkness,as(forwantofanotherword)Iwouldcallit,inamanofhistalentsandlearning,yetIwaspleasedwithhisingenuousness.Iwishedhimtoencouragethiswayofthinking.Itoldhim,thathisobservation,thatnodurablegoodwastobeexpectedfromanynewcourse,weretherewasnotadelighttakeninit,wasjust;butthatthedelightwouldfollowbyuse.
AndtwentythingsofthissortIevenpreachedtohim;takingcare,however,nottobetedious,nortoletmyexpandedheartgivehimacontractedorimpatientblow.And,indeed,hetookvisiblepleasureinwhatIsaid,andevenhunguponthesubject,whenI,totryhim,once
ortwice,seemedreadytodropit:andproceededtogivemeamostagreeableinstance,thathecouldattimesthinkbothdeeplyandseriously.--Thusitwas.
Hewasonce,hesaid,dangerouslywoundedinaduel,intheleftarm,baringit,toshewmethescar:thatthis(notwithstandingagreateffusionofblood,itbeinguponanartery)wasfollowedbyaviolentfever,whichatlastfixeduponhisspirits;andthatsoobstinately,thatneitherdidhedesirelife,norhisfriendsexpectit:that,foramonthtogether,hisheart,ashethought,wassototallychanged,that
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hedespisedhisformercourses,andparticularlythatrashnesswhichhadbroughthimtothestatehewasin,andhisantagonist(who,however,wastheaggressor)intoamuchworse:thatinthisspacehehadthoughtwhichattimesstillgavehimpleasuretoreflectupon:andalthoughthesepromisingprospectschanged,asherecoveredhealthandspirits,yethepartedwiththemwithsomuchreluctance,thathecouldnothelpshewingitinacopyofverses,trulyblankones,hesaid;someofwhichherepeated,and(advantagedbythegracewhichhegivestoeverythingherepeats)Ithoughtthemverytolerableones;thesentiments,however,muchgraverthanIexpectedfromhim.
Hehaspromisedmeacopyofthelines;andthenIshalljudgebetteroftheirmerit;andsoshallyou.Thetendencyofthemwas,'That,sincesicknessonlygavehimapropertrainofthinking,andthathisrestoredhealthbroughtwithitareturntohisevilhabits,hewasreadytorenouncethosegiftsofnatureforthoseofcontemplation.'
Hefartherdeclared,thatalthoughthesegoodmotionswentoff(ashehadowned)onhisrecovery,yethehadbetterhopesnow,fromtheinfluenceofmyexample,andfromtherewardbeforehim,ifhepersevered:andthathewasthemorehopefulthatheshould,ashispresentresolutionwasmadeinafulltideofhealthandspirits;andwhenhehadnothingtowishforbutperseverance,toentitlehimselftomyfavour.
Iwillnotthrowcoldwater,Mr.Lovelace,saidI,onarisingflame:butlooktoit!forIshallendeavourtokeepyouuptothisspirit.Ishallmeasureyourvalueofmebythistest:andIwouldhaveyoubearthosecharminglinesofMr.Roweforeverinyourmind;you,whohave,byyourownconfession,somuchtorepentof;andasthescar,indeed,youshewedme,will,inoneinstance,remindyoutoyourdyingday.
Thelines,mydear,arefromthepoet'sUlysses;youhaveheardmeoftenadmirethem;andIrepeatedthemtohim:
Habitualevilschangenotonasudden:Butmanydaysmustpass,andmanysorrows;
Consciousremorseandanguishmustbefelt,Tocurbdesire,tobreakthestubbornwill,Andworkasecondnatureinthesoul,EreVirtuecanresumetheplaceshelost:'Tiselsedissimulation--
Hehadoftenreadtheselines,hesaid;butnevertastedthembefore.--Byhissoul,(theunmortifiedcreatureswore,)andashehopedtobesaved,hewasnowinearnestinhisgoodresolutions.Hehadsaid,beforeIrepeatedthoselinesfromRowe,thathabitualevilscouldnotbechangedonasudden:buthehopedheshouldnotbethoughtadissembler,ifhewerenotenabledtoholdhisgoodpurposes;sinceingratitudeanddissimulationwerevicesthatofallothersheabhorred.
Mayyoueverabhorthem,saidI.Theyarethemostodiousofallvices.
Ihope,mydearMissHowe,Ishallnothaveoccasion,inmyfutureletters,tocontradictthesepromisingappearances.ShouldIhavenothingonhissidetocombatwith,Ishallbeveryfarfrombeinghappy,fromthesenseofmyfault,andtheindignationofallmyrelations.Soshallnotfailofcondignpunishmentforit,frommyinwardremorseonaccountofmyforfeitedcharacter.Buttheleastrayofhopecouldnotdartinuponme,withoutmybeingwillingtolayhold
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oftheveryfirstopportunitytocommunicateittoyou,whotakesogenerousashareinallmyconcerns.
Nevertheless,youmaydependuponit,mydear,thattheseagreeableassurances,andhopesofhisbegunreformation,shallnotmakemeforgetmycaution.NotthatIthink,atworst,anymorethanyou,thathedaretoharbourathoughtinjurioustomyhonour:butheisveryvarious,andthereisanapparent,andevenanacknowledgedunfixednessinhistemper,whichattimesgivesmeuneasiness.Iamresolvedthereforetokeephimatadistancefrommypersonandmythoughts,asmuchasIcan:forwhetherallmenareorarenotencroachers,IamsureMr.Lovelaceisone.
HenceitisthatIhavealwayscastabout,andwillcontinuetocastabout,whatendshemayhaveinviewfromthisproposal,orfromthatreport.Inaword,thoughhopefulofthebest,Iwillalwaysbefearfuloftheworst,ineverythingthatadmitsofdoubt.Foritisbetter,insuchasituationasmine,toapprehendwithoutcause,thantosubjectmyselftosurpriseforwantofforethought.
Mr.LovelaceisgonetoWindsor,havinglefttwoservantstoattendme.Hepurposestobebackto-morrow.
IhavewrittentomyauntHervey,tosupplicateherinterestinmy
behalf,formyclothes,books,andmoney;signifyingtoher,'That,ifImayberestoredtothefavourofmyfamily,andallowedanegativeonly,astoanymanwhomaybeproposedtome,andbeusedlikeadaughter,aniece,andasister,Iwillstandbymyoffertolivesingle,andsubmit,asIought,toanegativefrommyfather.'Intimating,nevertheless,'Thatitwereperhapsbetter,aftertheusageIhavereceivedfrommybrotherandsister,thatImaybeallowedtobedistantfromthem,aswellfortheirsakesasformyown,'(meaning,asIsupposeitwillbetaken,atmyDairy-house)--offering,'totakemyfather'sdirectionsastothemannerIshalllivein,theservantsIshallhave,andineverythingthatshallshewthedutifulsubordinationtowhichIamwillingtoconform.'
Myauntwillknowbymylettertomysisterhowtodirecttome,ifshebepermittedtofavourmewithaline.
Iamequallyearnestwithherinthisletter,asIwaswithmysisterinthatIwrotetoher,toobtainformeaspeedyreconciliation,thatInotbefurtherprecipitated;intimating,'That,byatimelylenity,allmaypassforamisunderstandingonly,which,otherwise,willbethoughtequallydisgracefultothem,andtome;appealingtoherforthenecessityIwasundertodowhatIdid.'--
HadIownedthatIwasoverreached,andforcedawayagainstmyintention,mighttheynot,asaproofofthetruthofmyassertion,haveinsisteduponmyimmediatereturntothem?And,ifIdidnotreturn,
wouldtheynothavereasontosuppose,thatIhadnowalteredmymind(ifsuchweremymind)orhadnotthepowertoreturn?--ThenwereItohavegoneback,mustitnothavebeenupontheirownterms?Noconditioningwithafather!isamaximwithmyfather,andwithmyuncles.IfIwouldhavegone,Mr.Lovelacewouldhaveopposedit.SoImusthavebeenunderhiscontroul,orhaverunawayfromhim,asitissupposedIdidtohim,fromHarlowe-place.Inwhatagiddylightwouldthishavemademeappear!--Hadheconstrainedme,couldIhaveappealedtomyfriendsfortheirprotection,withoutriskingtheveryconsequences,topreventwhich(settingupmyselfpresumptuously,asa
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middlepersonbetweenflamingspirits,)Ihaverunintosuchterribleinconveniencies.
But,afterall,mustitnotgivemegreatanguishofmind,tobeforcedtosanctify,asImaysay,bymyseemingafter-approbation,ameasureIwassoartfullytrickedinto,andwhichIwassomuchresolvednottotake?
Howoneevilbringsonanother,issorrowfullywitnessedtoby
Yourever-obligedandaffectionate,CL.HARLOWE.
LETTERXXV
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.FRIDAY,APR.14.
Thouhastoftenreproachedme,Jack,withmyvanity,withoutdistinguishingthehumourousturnthataccompaniesit;andforwhich,atthesametimethatthourobbestmeofthemeritofitthouadmirestmehighly.Envygivestheetheindistinction:Natureinspiresthe
admiration:unknowntothyselfitinspiresit.Butthouarttooclumsyandtooshort-sightedamortal,toknowhowtoaccountevenfortheimpulsesbywhichthouthyselfartmoved.
Well,butthisacquitstheenotofmychargeofvanity,Lovelace,methinksthousayest.
Andtruethousayest:forIhaveindeedaconfoundedparcelofit.But,ifmenofpartsmaynotbeallowedtobeinvain,whoshould!andyet,uponsecondthoughts,menofpartshavetheleastoccasionofanytobevain;sincetheworld(sofewofthemarethereinit)arereadytofindthemout,andextolthem.Ifafoolcanbemadesensiblethatthereisamanwhohasmoreunderstandingthanhimself,heisreadyenoughto
conclude,thatsuchamanmustbeaveryextraordinarycreature.
Andwhat,atthisrate,isthegeneralconclusiontobedrawnfromthepremises?--Isitnot,Thatnomanoughttobevain?Butwhatifamancan'thelpit!--This,perhaps,maybemycase.ButthereisnothinguponwhichIvaluemyselfsomuchasuponmyinventions.Andforthesoulofme,Icannothelplettingitbeseen,thatIdo.Yetthisvanitymaybeamean,perhaps,tooverthrowmewiththissagaciouslady.
SheisveryapprehensiveofmeIsee.IhavestudiedbeforeherandMissHowe,asoftenasIhavebeenwiththem,topassforagiddythoughtlesscreature.Whatafollythentobesoexpatiatinglysincere,inmyanswertoherhomeput,uponthenoiseswithinthegarden?--Butsuchsuccess
havingattendedthatcontrivance[success,Jack,hasblownmanyamanup!]mycursedvanitygotuppermost,andkeptdownmycaution.ThemenacetohavesecretedSolmes,andthatother,thatIhadthoughtstorunawaywithherfoolishbrother,andofmyprojecttorevengeheruponthetwoservants,somuchterrifiedthedearcreature,thatIwasforcedtositdowntomuseaftermeanstoputmyselfrightinheropinion.
Somefavourableincidents,atthetime,tumbledinfrommyagentinherfamily;atleastsuchasIwasdeterminedtomakefavourable:andthereforeIdesiredadmittance;andthisbeforeshecouldresolveany
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thingagainstme;thatistosay,whileheradmirationofmyintrepiditykeptresolutioninsuspense.
Accordingly,Ipreparedmyselftobeallgentleness,allobligingness,allserenity;andasIhavenowandthen,andalwayshad,moreorless,goodmotionspopupinmymind,IencouragedandcollectedeverythingofthissortthatIhadeverhadfromnovicehoodtomaturity,[notlonginrecollecting,Jack,]inordertobringthedearcreatureintogoodhumourwithme:*Andwhoknows,thoughtI,ifIcanholdit,andproceed,butImaybeabletolayafoundationfittobuildmygrandschemeupon!--LOVE,thoughtI,isnotnaturallyadoubter:FEARis,Iwilltrytobanishthelatter:nothingthenbutlovewillremain.CREDULITYistheGodofLove'sprimeminister,andtheyneverareasunder.
*Hehadsaid,LetterXVIII.thathewouldmakereformationhisstalking-horse,&c.
HethenacquaintshisfriendwithwhatpassedbetweenhimandtheLady,inrelationtohisadvicesfromHarlowe-place,andtohisproposalaboutlodgings,prettymuchtothesamepurposeasinherprecedingLetter.
WhenheconestomentionhisproposaloftheWindsorlodgings,thusheexpresseshimself:
Now,Belford,canitenterintothyleadenhead,whatImeantbythisproposal!--Iknowitcannot.AndsoI'lltellthee.
Toleaveherforadayortwo,withaviewtoserveherbymyabsence,would,asIthought,looklikeaconfidinginherfavour.Icouldnotthinkofleavingher,thouknowest,whileIhadreasontobelieveherfriendswouldpursueus;andIbegantoapprehendthatshewouldsuspectthatImadeapretenceofthatintentionalpursuittokeepaboutherandwithher.Butnowthattheyhaddeclaredagainstit,andthattheywould
notreceiveherifshewentback,(adeclarationshehadbetterhearfirstfromme,thanfromMissHowe,oranyother,)whatshouldhindermefromgivingherthismarkofmyobedience;especiallyasIcouldleaveWill,whoisacleverfellow,andcandoanythingbutwriteandspell,andLordM.'sJonas(notasguards,tobesure,butasattendantsonly);thelattertobedispatchedtomeoccasionallybytheformer,whomIcouldacquaintwithmymotions?
ThenIwantedtoinformmyself,whyIhadnotcongratulatorylettersfromLadySarahandLadyBetty,andfrommycousinsMontague,towhomIhadwritten,gloryinginmybeloved'sescape;whichletters,ifproperlyworded,mightbemadenecessarytoshewherasmattersproceed.
AstoWindsor,Ihadnodesigntocarryherparticularlythither:butsomewhereitwaspropertoname,asshecondescendedtoaskmyadviceaboutit.London,Idurstnot;butverycautiously;andsoastomakeitherownoption:forImusttellthee,thatthereissuchaperversenessinthesex,thatwhentheyaskyouradvice,theydoitonlytoknowyouropinion,thattheymayopposeit;though,hadnotthethinginquestionbeenyourchoice,perhapsithadbeentheirs.
IcouldeasilygivereasonsagainstWindsor,afterIhadpretendedtobethere;andthiswouldhavelookedthebetter,asitwasaplaceof
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myownnomination;andshewnherthatIhadnofixedscheme.Neverwasthereinwomansuchasagacious,suchanall-aliveapprehension,asinthis.Yetitisagrievousthingtoanhonestmantobesuspected.
Then,inmygoingorreturn,IcancalluponMrs.Greme.Sheandmybelovedhadagreatdealoftalktogether.IfIknewwhatitwasabout;andthateither,upontheirfirstacquaintance,wasforbenefitingherselfbytheother;Imightcontrivetoservethemboth,withouthurtingmyself:forthesearethemostprudentwaysofdoingfriendships,andwhatarenotfollowedbyregrets,thoughtheservedshouldproveingrateful.ThenMrs.Gremecorrespondsbypen-and-inkwithherfarmer-sisterwhereweare:somethingmaypossiblyarisethatway,eitherofaconvenientnature,whichImaypursue;orofaninconvenientnature,whichImayavoid.
Alwaysbecarefulofbackdoors,isamaximwithmeinallmyexploits.Whoeverknowsme,knowsthatIamnoproudman.Icantalkasfamiliarlytoservantsastoprincipals,whenIhaveamindtomakeitworththeirwhiletoobligemeinanything.Thenservantsarebutasthecommonsoldiersinanarmy,theydoallthemischieffrequentlywithoutmalice,andmerely,goodsouls!formischief-sake.
IammostapprehensiveaboutMissHowe.Shehasaconfoundeddealofwit,andwantsonlyasubject,toshewasmuchroguery:andshouldI
beoutwittedwithallmysententiousboastingofconceitofmyownnostrum-mongership--[Ilovetoplaguethee,whoartapretendertoaccuracy,andasurface-skimmerinlearning,without-of-the-waywordsandphrases]Ishouldcertainlyhang,drown,orshootmyself.
PoorHickman!Ipityhimfortheprospecthehaswithsuchavirago!Butthefellow'safool,Godwot!AndnowIthinkofit,itisabsolutelynecessaryforcompletehappinessinthemarriedstate,thatoneshouldbeafool[anargumentIonceheldwiththisveryMissHowe.]Butthenthefoolshouldknowtheother'ssuperiority;otherwisetheobstinateonewilldisappointthewiseone.
ButmyagentJosephhashelpedmetosecurethisquarter,asIhave
hintedtotheemorethanonce.
LETTERXXVI
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.[INCONTINUATION.]
ButisitnotaconfoundedthingthatIcannotfastenanobligationuponthisproudbeauty?Ihavetwomotivesinendeavouringtoprevailuponhertoacceptofmoneyandraimentfromme:one;therealpleasureI
shouldhaveintheaccommodatingofthehaughtymaid;andtothinktherewassomethingnearher,anduponher,thatIcouldcallmine:theother,inordertoabateherseverityandhumbleheralittle.
Nothingmoreeffectuallybringsdownaproudspirit,thanasenseoflyingunderpecuniaryobligations.Thishasalwaysmademesolicitoustoavoidlayingmyselfunderanysuch:yet,sometimes,formerly,haveIbeenputtoit,andcursedthetardyresolutionofthequarterlyperiods.AndyetIevermadeshifttoavoidanticipation:Ineverwouldeatthecalfinthecow'sbelly,asLordM.'sphraseis:forwhatis
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that,buttoholdourlandsupontenant-courtesy,thevilestofalltenures?Tobedeniedafox-chace,forbreakingdownafenceuponmyowngrounds?Tobeclamouredatforrepairsstudiedfor,ratherthanreallywanted?Tobepratedtobyabumpkinwithhishaton,andhisarmsfolded,asifhedefiedyourexpectationsofthatsort;hisfootfirmlyfixed,asifuponhisownground,andyouforcedtotakehisarchleers,andstupidgybes;heintimating,bythewholeofhisconduct,thathehadhaditinhispowertoobligeyou,and,ifyoubehavecivilly,mayobligeyouagain?I,whothinkIhavearighttobreakeveryman'sheadIpassby,ifIlikenothislooks,tobearthis!--NomorecouldIdoit,thenIcouldborrowofaninsolentuncle,orinquisitiveaunt,whowouldthencethinkthemselvesentitledtohaveanaccountofallmylifeandactionslaidbeforethemfortheirreviewandcensure.
Mycharmer,Isee,hasapridelikemyown:butshehasnodistinctioninherpride:norknowstheprettyfoolthatthereisnothingnobler,nothingmoredelightful,thanforlovestobeconferringandreceivingobligationsfromeachother.Inthisveryfarm-yard,togivetheeafamiliarinstance,Ihavemorethanonceseenthisremarkillustrated.AstruttingrascalofacockhaveIbeheldchuck,chuck,chuck,chuck-inghismistresstohim,whenhehasfoundasinglebarley-corn,takingitupwithhisbill,andlettingitdropfiveorsixtimes,stillrepeatinghischuckinginvitation:andwhentwoorthreeofhisfeatheredladiesstrivewhoshallbethefirstforit[OJack!acockisagrandsignor
ofabird!]hedirectsthebilloftheforemosttoit;andwhenshehasgotthedirtypearl,hestrutsoverherwithanerectedcrest,clingroundherwithdroptwings,sweepingthedustinhumblecourtship:whiletheobligedshe,half-shy,half-willing,byhercoweringtail,preparedwings,yetseeminglyaffrightedeyes,andcontractedneck,letsoneseethatsheknowsthebarley-cornwasnotallhecalledherfor.
Whenhecomestothatpartofhisnarrative,wherehementionsoftheproposingoftheLady'smaidHannah,oroneoftheyoungSorlings,toattendher,thushewrites:
Now,Belford,canstthouimaginewhatImeantbyproposingHannah,or
oneofthegirlshere,forherattendant?I'llgivetheeamonthtoguess.
Thouwiltnotpretendtoguess,thousay'st.
Well,thenI'lltellthee.
Believingshewouldcertainlyproposetohavethatfavouritewenchabouther,assoonasshewasalittlesettled,Ihadcausedthegirltobeinquiredafter,withanintenttomakeinterest,somehoworother,thatamonth'swarningshouldbeinsistedonbyhermasterormistress,orbysomeothermeans,whichIhadnotdeterminedupon,topreventhercomingtoher.Butfortunefightsforme.Thewenchisluckilyill;aviolent
rheumaticdisorder,whichhasobligedhertoleaveherplace,confineshertoherchamber.PoorHannah!HowIpitythegirl!Thesethingsareveryharduponindustriousservants!--Iintendtomakethepoorwenchasmallpresentontheoccasion--Iknowitwillobligemycharmer.
Andso,Jack,pretendingnottoknowanythingofthematter,IpressedhertosendforHannah.SheknewIhadalwaysaregardforthisservant,becauseofherhonestlovetoherlady:butnowIhavegreaterregardforherthanever.Calamity,thoughapoorservant'scalamity,willratherincreasethandiminishgoodwill,withatrulygenerousmasteror
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mistress.
AstooneoftheyoungSorling'sattendance,therewasnothingatallinproposingthat;forifeitherofthemhadbeenchosenbyher,andpermittedbythemother[twochancesinthat!]itwouldhavebeenonlytillIhadfixeduponanother.And,ifafterwardstheyhadbeenlothtopart,Icouldeasilyhavegivenmybelovedtoajealousy,whichwouldhavedonethebusiness;ortothegirl,whowouldhavequittedhercountrydairy,sucharelishforaLondonone,andaswouldhavemadeitveryconvenientforhertofallinlovewithWill;orperhapsIcouldhavedonestillbetterforherwithLordM.'schaplain,whoisverydesirousofstandingwellwithhislord'spresumptiveheir.
Ablessingonthyhonestheart,Lovelace!thou'ltsay;forthouartforprovidingforeverybody!
Hegivesanaccountoftheseriouspartoftheirconversation,withnogreatvariationfromtheLady'saccountofit:andwhenhecomestothatpartofit,wherehebidsherremember,thatreformationcannotbeasuddenthing,heaskshisfriend:
Isnotthisfairplay?Isitnotdealingingenuously?Thenthe
observation,Iwillbeboldtosay,isfoundedintruthandnature.Buttherewasalittletouchofpolicyinitbesides;thatthelady,ifIshouldflyoutagain,shouldnotthinkmetoogrossanhypocrite:for,asIplainlytoldher,Iwasafraid,thatmyfitsofreformationwerebutfitsandsallies;butIhopedherexamplewouldfixthemintohabits.Butitissodiscouragingathingtohavemymonitresssoverygood!--IprotestIknownothowtolookupather!Now,asIamthinking,ifIcouldpullherdownalittlenearertomyownlevel;thatistosay,couldprevailuponhertodosomethingthatwouldargueimperfection,somethingtorepentof;weshouldjogonmuchmoreequally,andbebetterabletocomprehendoneanother:andsothecomfortwouldbemutual,andtheremorsenotallononeside.
HeacknowledgesthathewasgreatlyaffectedandpleasedwiththeLady'sseriousargumentsatthetime:buteventhenwasapprehensivethathistemperwouldnothold.Thushewrites:
Thisladysaysseriousthingsinsoagreeableamanner(andthenhervoiceisallharmonywhenshetouchesasubjectsheispleasedwith)thatIcouldhavelistenedtoherforhalfadaytogether.ButyetIamafraid,ifshefalls,astheycallit,shewillloseagooddealofthatpathos,ofthatnobleself-confidence,whichgivesagoodperson,asInowsee,avisiblesuperiorityoveronenotsogood.
But,afterall,Belford,Iwouldfainknowwhypeoplecallsuchfree-liversasyouandmehypocrites.--That'sawordIhate;andshouldtakeitveryilltobecalledbyit.Formyself,Ihaveasgoodmotions,and,perhaps,havethemasfrequentlyasanybody:allthebusinessis,theydon'thold;or,tospeakmoreincharacter,Idon'ttakethecaresomedotoconcealmylapses.
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LETTERXXVII
MISSHOWE,TOMISCLARISSAHARLOWESATURDAY,APRIL15.
Thoughprettymuchpressedintime,andoppressedbymymother'swatchfulness,Iwillwriteafewlinesuponthenewlightthathasbrokeninuponyourgentleman;andsenditbyaparticularhand.
Iknownotwhattothinkofhimuponit.Hetalkswell;butjudgehimbyRowe'slines,heiscertainlyadissembler,odiousasthesinofhypocrisy,and,ashesays,thatotherofingratitude,aretohim.
And,pray,mydear,letmeask,couldhehavetriumphed,asitissaidhehasdone,oversomanyofoursex,hadhenotbeenegregiouslyguiltyofbothsins?
Hisingenuousnessisthethingthatstaggersme:yetishecunningenoughtoknow,thatwhoeveraccuseshimfirst,bluntstheedgeofanadversary'saccusation.
Heiscertainlyamanofsense:thereismorehopeofsuchaonethanafool:andtheremustbeabeginningtoareformation.TheseIwillallowinhisfavour.
Butthis,thatfollows,Ithink,istheonlywaytojudgeofhisspeciousconfessionsandself-accusations--Doesheconfessanythingthatyouknewnotbefore,orthatyouarenotlikelytofindoutfromothers?--Ifnothingelse,whatdoesheconfesstohisowndisadvantage?Youhaveheardofhisduels:youhaveheardofhisseductions.--Alltheworldhas.Heowns,therefore,whatitwouldbetonopurposetoconceal;andhisingenuousnessisasalvo--'Why,this,Madam,isnomorethanMr.Lovelacehimselfacknowledges.'
Well,butwhatisnowtobedone?--Youmustmakethebestofyoursituation:andasyousay,sohehasproposedtoyouofWindsor,andhiscanon'shouse.Hisreadinesstoleaveyou,andgohimselfinquestof
alodging,likewiselookswell.AndIthinkthereisnothingcanbesoproperlydone,as(whetheryougettoacanon'shouseornot)thatthecanonshouldjoinyoutogetherinwedlockassoonaspossible.
Imuchapprove,however,ofallyourcautions,ofallyourvigilance,andofeverythingyouhavedone,butofyourmeetinghim.Yet,inmydisapprobationofthat,Ijudgebythateventonly:forwhowouldhavedivineditwouldhavebeenconcludedasitdid?Butheisthedevilbyhisownaccount:andhadherunawaywiththewretchedSolmes,andyourmorewretchedbrother,andhimselfbeentransportedforlife,heshouldhavehadmyfreeconsentforallthree.
WhatusedoeshemakeofthatJosephLeman!--Hisingenuousness,Imust
morethanoncesay,confoundsme;butif,mydear,youcanforgiveyourbrotherforthepartheputthatfellowuponacting,Idon'tknowwhetheryououghttobeangryatLovelace.YetIhavewishedfiftytimes,sinceLovelacegotyouaway,thatyouwereridofhim,whetheritwerebyaburningfever,byhanging,bydrowning,orbyabrokenneck;provideditwerebeforehelaidyouunderanecessitytogointomourningforhim.
Irepeatmyhithertorejectedoffer.MayIsenditsafelybyyouroldman?IhavereasonsfornotsendingitbyHickman'sservant;unlessI
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hadabanknote.Inquiringforsuchmaycausedistrust.Mymotherissobusy,soinquisitive--Idon'tlovesuspicioustempers.
Andheresheiscontinuallyinandout--Imustbreakoff.
*****
Mr.Hickmanbegshismostrespectfulcomplimentstoyou,withofferofhisservices.ItoldhimIwouldobligehim,becausemindsintroubletakekindlyanybody'scivilities:butthathewasnottoimaginethatheparticularlyobligedmebythis;sinceIshouldthinkthemanorwomaneitherblindorstupidwhoadmirednotapersonofyourexaltedmeritforyourownsake,andwishednottoserveyouwithoutviewtootherrewardthanthehonourofservingyou.
Tobesure,thatwashisprincipalmotive,withgreatdaintinesshesaidit:butwithakissofhishand,andabowtomyfeet,hehoped,thatafinelady'sbeingmyfrienddidnotlessenthemeritofthereverencehereallyhadforher.
Believemeever,whatyou,mydear,shalleverfindme,
Yourfaithfulandaffectionate,ANNAHOWE.
LETTERXXVIII
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWESAT.AFTERNOON.
IdetainyourmessengerwhileIwriteananswertoyours;thepooroldmannotbeingverywell.
YoudisheartenmeagooddealaboutMr.Lovelace.Imaybetoowillingfrommysadcircumstancestothinkthebestofhim.Ifhispretencestoreformationarebutpretences,whatmustbehisintent?Butcantheheartofmanbesoveryvile?Canhe,darehe,mocktheAlmighty?ButImaynot,fromoneverysadreflection,thinkbetterofhim;thatIamthrowntoomuchintohispower,tomakeitnecessaryforhim(exceptheweretointendtheveryutmostvillanybyme)tobesuchashockinghypocrite?Hemust,atleastbeinearnestatthetimehegivesthebetterhopes.Surelyhemust.Youyourselfmustjoinwithmeinthishope,oryoucouldnotwishmetobesodreadfullyyoked.
Butafterall,Ihadrather,muchrather,beindependentofhim,andofhisfamily,althoughIhaveanhighopinionofthem;atleasttillIsee
whatmyownmaybebroughtto.--Otherwise,Ithink,itwerebestforme,atonce,tocastmyselfintoLadyBetty'sprotection.Allwouldthenbeconductedwithdecency,andperhapsmanymortificationswouldbesparedme.ButthenImustbehis,atalladventures,andbethoughttodefymyownfamily.AndshallInotfirstseetheissueofoneapplication?AndyetIcannotmakethis,tillIamsettledsomewhere,andatadistancefromhim.
Mrs.Sorlingsshewedmealetterthismorning,whichshehadreceivedfromhersisterGremelastnight;inwhichMrs.Greme(hopingIwould
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forgiveherforwardzealifhersisterthinksfittoshewherlettertome)'wishes(andthatforallthenoblefamily'ssake,andshehopesshemaysayformyown)thatIwillbepleasedtoyieldtomakehishonour,asshecallshim,happy.'Shegroundsherofficiousness,asshecallsit,uponwhathewassocondescending[herwordalso]tosaytoheryesterday,inhiswaytoWindsor,onherpresumingtoask,ifshemightsoongivehimjoy?'Thatnomaneverlovedawomanashelovesme:thatnowomaneversowelldeservedtobebeloved:thathelovesmewithsuchapurityashehadneverbelievedhimselfcapableof,orthatamortalcreaturecouldhaveinspiredhimwith;lookinguponmeasallsoul;asanangelsentdowntosavehis;'andagreatdealmoreofthissort:'butthatheapprehendsmyconsenttomakehimhappyisatagreaterdistancethanhewishes;andcomplainedoftoosevererestrictionsIhadlaiduponhimbeforeIhonouredhimwithmyconfidence:whichrestrictionsmustbeassacredtohim,asiftheywerepartsofthemarriagecontract,'&c.
What,mydear,shallIsaytothis?HowshallItakeit?Mrs.Gremeisagoodwoman.Mrs.Sorlingsisagoodwoman.AndthisletteragreeswiththeconversationbetweenMr.Lovelaceandme,whichIthought,andstillthink,soagreeable.*Yetwhatmeansthemanbyforegoingtheopportunitieshehashadtodeclarehimself?--WhatmeanhiscomplaintsofmyrestrictionstoMrs.Greme?Heisnotabashfulman.--Butyousay,Iinspirepeoplewithanaweofme.--Anawe,mydear!--Ashow?
*ThisletterMrs.Greme(withnobaddesignonherpart)wasputuponwritingbyMr.Lovelacehimself,aswillbeseeninLetterXXXV.
Iamquitepetulant,fretful,andpeevish,withmyself,attimes,tofindthatIamboundtoseetheworkingsofthesubtle,orthisgiddyspirit,whichshallIcallit?
HowamIpunished,asIfrequentlythink,formyvanity,inhopingtobeanexampletoyoungpersonsofmysex!Letmebebutawarning,andIwillnowbecontented.For,bemydestinywhatitmay,Ishallnever
beabletoholdupmyheadagainamongmybestfriendsandworthiestcompanions.
Itisoneofthecruelestcircumstancesthatattendsthefaultsoftheinconsiderate,thatshemakesallwholoveherunhappy,andgivesjoyonlytoherownenemies,andtotheenemiesofherfamily.
Whatanusefullessonwouldthisafford,wereitproperlyinculcatedatthetimethatthetemptedmindwasbalancinguponadoubtfuladventure?
Youknownot,mydear,theworthofavirtuousman;and,noble-mindedasyouareinmostparticulars,youpartakeofthecommonweaknessofhumannature,inbeingapttoslightwhatisinyourownpower.
YouwouldnotthinkofusingMr.Lovelace,wereheyoursuitor,asyoudothemuchworthierMr.Hickman--wouldyou?--Youknowwhosaysinmymother'scase,'Muchwillbear,muchshallbear,alltheworldthrough.'*Mr.Hickman,Ifancy,wouldbegladtoknowthelady'sname,whomadesuchanobservation.Hewouldthinkithardlypossible,butsuchaoneshouldbenefitbyherownremark;andwouldbeapttowishhisMissHoweacquaintedwithher.
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*SeeVol.I.LetterX.
Gentlenessofheart,surely,isnotdespicableinaman.Why,ifitbe,isthehighestdistinctionamancanarriveat,thatofagentleman?--Adistinctionwhichaprincemaynotdeserve.Formanners,morethanbirth,fortune,ortitle,arerequisiteinthischaracter.Mannersareindeedtheessenceofit.Andshallitbegenerallysaid,andMissHowenotbeanexceptiontoit(asyouoncewrote),thatoursexarebestdealtwithbyboisterousandunrulyspirits?*
*SeeVol.II.LetterIII.
Forgiveme,mydear,andlovemeasyouusedtodo.Foralthoughmyfortunesarechanged,myheartisnot:Noreverwill,whileitbidsmypentellyou,thatitmustceasetobear,whenitisnotasmuchyoursas
YourCL.HARLOWE.
LETTERXXIX
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWE.SATURDAYEVENING.
Mr.LovelacehasseendiversapartmentsatWindsor;butnotone,hesays,thathethoughtfitforme,andwhich,atthesametime,answeredmydescription.
Hehasbeenverysolicitoustokeeptotheletterofmyinstructions:whichlookedwell:andthebetterIlikehim,as,althoughheproposedthattown,hecameback,dissuadingmefromit:forhesaid,that,inhisjourneyfromthence,hehadthoughtWindsor,althoughofhisown
proposal,awrongchoice;becauseIcovetedprivacy,andthatwasaplacegenerallyvisitedandadmired.*
*ThisinferenceoftheLadyinhisfavourisexactlywhathehadhopedfor.SeeLetterXXV.ofthisvolume.
Itoldhim,thatifMrs.Sorlingsthoughtmenotanincumbrance,Iwouldbewillingtostayherealittlelonger;providedhewouldleaveme,andgotoLordM.'s,ortoLondon,whicheverhethoughtbest.
Hehoped,hesaid,thathemightsupposemeabsolutelysafefromthe
insultsorattemptsofmybrother;and,therefore,ifitshouldmakemeeasier,hewouldobey,forafewdaysatleast.
HeagainproposedtosendforHannah.ItoldhimIdesignedtodoso,throughyou--AndshallIbegofyou,mydear,tocausethehonestcreaturetobesentto?YourfaithfulRobert,Ithink,knowswheresheis.Perhapsshewillbepermittedtoquitherplacedirectly,byallowingamonth'swages,whichIwillrepayher.Hetooknoticeoftheserioushumourhefoundmein,andoftherednessofmyeyes.Ihadjustbeenansweringyourletter;andhadhenotapproachedme,onhis
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comingoffhisjourney,inaveryrespectfulmanner;hadhenotmadeanunexceptionablereportofhisinquiries,andbeensoreadytogofromme,attheveryfirstword;Iwasprepared(notwithstandingthegoodtermsweparteduponwhenhesetoutforWindsor)tohavegivenhimaveryunwelcomereception:forthecontentsofyourlastletterhadsoaffectedme,thatthemomentIsawhim,Ibeheldwithindignationtheseducer,whohadbeenthecauseofalltheevilsIsuffer,andhavesuffered.
Hehintedtome,thathehadreceivedaletterfromLadyBetty,andanother(asIunderstoodhim)fromoneoftheMissMontagues.Iftheytakenoticeofmyinthem,Iwonderthathedidnotacquaintmewiththecontents.Iamafraid,mydear,thathisrelationsareamongthosewhothinkIhavetakenarashandinexcusablestep.ItisnottomycredittoleteventhemknowhowIhavebeenfrightedoutofmyself:andyetperhapstheywouldholdmeunworthyoftheiralliance,iftheyweretothinkmyflightavoluntaryone.Omydear,howuneasytousareourreflectionsuponeverydoubtfuloccurrence,whenweknowwehavebeenprevailedupontodoawrongthing!
SUNDAYMORNING.
Ah!thisman,mydear!Wehavehadwarmerdialoguesthaneveryetwe
havehad.Atfairargument,IfindIneednotfearhim;*butheissuchawild,suchanungovernablecreature[hereformed!]thatIamhalfafraidofhim.
*SeethisconfirmedbyMr.Lovelace,LetterXI.ofthisvolume.
Heagain,onmydeclaringmyselfuneasyathisstaywithmehere,proposedthatIwouldputmyselfintoLadyBetty'sprotection;assuringmethathethoughthecouldnotleavemeatMrs.Sorlings'swithsafetytomyself.Anduponmydecliningtodothat,forthereasonsIgaveyouinmylast,*heurgedmetomakeademandofmyestate.
*SeeLetterXXVIII.ofthisvolume.
Heknewit,Itoldhim,tobemyresolutionnottolitigatewithmyfather.
Norwouldheputmeuponit,hereplied,butasthelastthing.Butifmyspiritwouldnotpermitmetobeobliged,asIcalledit,toanybody,andyetifmyrelationswouldrefusememyown,heknewnothowIcouldkeepupthatspirit,withoutbeingputtoinconveniences,whichwouldgivehiminfiniteconcern--Unless--unless--unless,hesaid,
hesitating,asifafraidtospeakout--unlessIwouldtaketheonlymethodIcouldtake,toobtainthepossessionofmyown.
Whatisthat,Sir?
Surethemansawbymylooks,whenhecamewithhiscreepingunless's,thatIguessedwhathemeant.
Ah!Madam,canyoubeatalosstoknowwhatthatmethodis?--Theywillnotdisputewithamanthatrightwhichtheycontestwithyou.
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Whysaidhewithaman,insteadofwithhim?Yethelookedasifhewantedtobeencouragedtosaymore.
So,Sir,youwouldhavemeemployalawyer,wouldyou,notwithstandingwhatIhaveeverdeclaredastolitigatingwithmyfather?
No,Iwouldnot,mydearestcreature,snatchingmyhand,andpressingitwithhislips--exceptyouwouldmakemethelawyer.
Hadhesaidmeatfirst,Ishouldhavebeenabovetheaffectationofmentioningalawyer.
Iblushed.Themanpursuednotthesubjectsoardently,butthatitwasmoreeasyaswellasmorenaturaltoavoiditthantofallintoit.
WouldtoHeavenhemight,withoutoffending!--ButIsoover-awedhim!--[over-awedhim!--Your*notion,mydear!]--Andsotheover-awed,bashfulmanwentofffromthesubject,repeatinghisproposal,thatIwoulddemandmyownestate,orempowersomemanofthelawtodemandit,ifIwouldnot[heputin]empowerahappiermantodemandit.Butitcouldnotbeamiss,hethought,toacquaintmytwotrustees,thatIintendedtoassumeit.
*SeeLetterXIX.ofthisvolume.
Ishouldknowbetterwhattodo,Itoldhim,whenhewasatadistancefromme,andknowntobeso.Isuppose,Sir,thatifmyfatherproposemyreturn,andengagenevertomentionsSolmestome,noranyotherman,butbymyconsent,andIagree,uponthatcondition,tothinknomoreofyou,youwillacquiesce.
Iwaswillingtotrywhetherhehadtheregardtoallofmypreviousdeclarations,whichhepretendedtohavetosomeofthem.
Hewasstruckallofaheap.
Whatsayyou,Mr.Lovelace?Youknow,allyoumeanisformygood.SurelyIammyownmistress:surelyIneednotaskyourleavetomakewhattermsIpleaseformyself,solongasIbreaknonewithyou?
Hehemm'dtwiceorthrice--Why,Madam--why,Madam,Icannotsay--thenpausing--andrisingfromhisseatwithpetulance;Iseeplainlyenough,saidhe,thereasonwhynoneofmyproposalscanbeaccepted:atlastIamtobeasacrificetoyourreconciliationwithyourimplacablefamily.
Ithasalwaysbeenyourrespectfulway,Mr.Lovelace,totreatmyfamilyinthisfreemanner.Butpray,Sir,whenyoucallothersimplacable,seethatyoudeservenotthesamecensureyourself.
Hemustneedssay,therewasnolovelostbetweensomeofmyfamilyandhim;buthehadnotdeservedofthemwhattheyhadofhim.
Yourselfbeingjudge,Isuppose,Sir?
Alltheworld,youyourself,Madam,beingjudge.
Then,Sir,letmetellyou,hadyoubeenlessuponyourdefiances,theywouldnothavebeenirritatedsomuchagainstyou.Butnobodyever
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heard,thatavoweddespitetotherelationsofapersonwasapropercourtship,eithertothatperson,ortoherfriends.
Well,Madam,allthatIknowis,thattheirmaliceagainstmeissuch,that,ifyoudeterminetosacrificeme,youmaybereconciledwhenyouplease.
AndallIknow,Sir,is,thatifIdogivemyfatherthepowerofanegative,andhewillbecontentedwiththat,itwillbebutmydutytogiveithim;andifIpreserveonetomyself,Ishallbreakthroughnoobligationtoyou.
Yourdutytoyourcapriciousbrother,nottoyourfather,youmean,Madam.
Ifthedisputelaybetweenmybrotherandmeatfirst,surely,Sir,afathermaychoosewhichpartyhewilltake.
Hemay,Madam--butthatexemptshimnotfromblameforallthat,ifhetakethewrong--
Differentpeoplewilljudgedifferently,Mr.Lovelace,oftherightandthewrong.Youjudgeasyouplease.Shallnotothersastheyplease?Andwhohasarighttocontroulafather'sjudgmentinhisownfamily,and
inrelationtohisownchild?
Iknow,Madam,thereisnoarguingwithyou.But,nevertheless,Ihadhopedtohavemademyselfsomelittlemeritwithyou,soasthatImightnothavebeenthepreliminarysacrificetoareconciliation.
Yourhope,Sir,hadbeenbettergroundedifyouhadhadmyconsenttomyabandoningofmyfather'shouse--
Always,Madam,andforever,toberemindedofthechoiceyouwouldhavemadeofthatdamn'dSolmes--ratherthan--
Notsohasty!notsorash,Mr.Lovelace!Iamconvincedthattherewas
nointentiontomarrymetothatSolmesonWednesday.
SoIamtoldtheynowgiveout,inordertojustifythemselvesatyourexpense.Everybodyliving,Madam,isobligedtoyouforyourkindthoughtsbutI.
Excuseme,goodMr.Lovelace[wavingmyhand,andbowing],thatIamwillingtothinkthebestofmyfather.
Charmingcreature!saidhe,withwhatabewitchingairisthatsaid!--Andwithavehemenceinhismannerwouldhavesnatchedmyhand.ButIwithdrewit,beingmuchoffendedwithhim.
Ithink,Madam,mysufferingsforyoursakemighthaveentitledmetosomefavour.
Mysufferings,Sir,foryourimpetuoustemper,setagainstyoursufferingsformysake,Ihumblyconceive,leavemeverylittleyourdebtor.
Lord!Madam,[assumingadrawlingair]Whathaveyousuffered?--Nothingbutwhatyoucaneasilyforgive.Youhavebeenonlymadeaprisonerinyourfather'shouse,bywayofdoingcredittoyourjudgment!--Youhave
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onlyhadaninnocentandfaithfulservantturnedoutofyourservice,becauseyoulovedher!--Youhaveonlyhadyoursister'sconfidentservantsetoveryou,withleavetoteaseandaffrontyou--!
Verywell,Sir!
Youhaveonlyhadaninsolentbrothertakeuponhimtotreatyoulikeaslave,andasinsolentasistertoundermineyouineverybody'sfavour,onpretencetokeepyououtofhands,which,ifasvileastheyvilelyreport,arenot,however,halfsovileandcruelastheirown.
Goon,Sir,ifyouplease!
Youhaveonlybeenpersecuted,inordertoobligeyoutohaveasordidfellow,whomyouhaveprofessedtohate,andwhomeverybodydespises!Thelicensehasbeenonlygot!Theparsonhasonlybeenhadinreadiness!Theday,anear,averynearday,hadbeenonlyfixed!Andyouwereonlytobesearchedforyourcorrespondencies,andstillcloserconfinedtillthedaycame,inordertodepriveyouofallmeansofescapingthesnarelaidforyou!--Butallthisyoucanforgive!Youcanwishyouhadstoodallthis;inevitableasthecompulsionmusthavebeen!--Andthemanwho,atthehazardofhislife,haddeliveredyoufromallthesemortifications,istheonlypersonyoucannotforgive!
Can'tyougoon,Sir?YouseeIhavepatiencetohearyou.Can'tyougoon,Sir?
Ican,Madam,withmysufferings:whichIconfessoughtnottobementioned,wereIatlasttoberewardedinthemannerIhoped.
Yoursufferingsthen,ifyouplease,Sir?
Affrontinglyforbiddenyourfather'shouse,afterencouragementgiven,withoutanyreasonstheyknewnotbeforetojustifytheprohibition:forceduponarencounterIwishedtoavoid:thefirstIever,soprovoked,wishedtoavoid.Andthat,becausethewretchwasyourbrother!
Wretch,Sir!--Andmybrother!--Thiscouldbefromnomanbreathing,butfromhimbeforeme!
Pardonme,Madam!--Butoh!howunworthytobeyourbrother!--Thequarrelgrafteduponanoldone,whenatcollege;heuniversallyknowntobetheaggressor;andrevivedforviewsequallysordidandinjuriousbothtoyourselfandme--givinglifetohim,whowouldhavetakenawaymine!
YourgenerosityTHIS,Sir;notyoursufferings:alittlemoreofyoursufferings,ifyouplease!--Ihopeyoudonotrepent,thatyoudidnotmurdermybrother!
Myprivatelifehuntedinto!Mymoralsdecried!Someoftheaccusersnotunfaulty!
That'sanaspersion,Sir!
Spiessetuponmyconduct!Onehiredtobribemyownservant'sfidelity;perhapstohavepoisonedmeatlast,ifthehonestfellowhadnot--
Facts,Mr.Lovelace!--Doyouwantfactsinthedisplayofyoursufferings?--Noneofyourperhaps's,Ibeseechyou!
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Menaceseveryday,anddefiances,putintoeveryone'smouthagainstme!Forcedtocreepaboutindisguises--andtowatchallhours--
Andinallweathers,Isuppose,Sir--That,Iremember,wasonceyourgrievance!Inallweathers,Sir!*andallthesehardshipsarisingfromyourself,notimposedbyme.
*SeeLetterVI.ofthisvolume.
Likeathief,oraneaves-dropper,proceededhe:andyetneitherbybirthnoralliancesunworthyoftheirrelation,whateverImaybeandamoftheiradmirabledaughter:ofwhomthey,everyoneofthem,areatleastasunworthy!--These,Madam,Icallsufferings:justlycallso;ifatlastIamtobesacrificedtoanimperfectreconciliation--imperfect,Isay:for,canyouexpecttolivesomuchastolerablyunderthesameroof,afterallthathaspassed,withthatbrotherandsister?
OSir,Sir!Whatsufferingshaveyoursbeen!Andallformysake,Iwarrant!--Icanneverrewardyouforthem!--NeverthinkofmemoreIbeseechyou--Howcanyouhavepatiencewithme?--Nothinghasbeenowingtoyourownbehaviour,Ipresume:nothingtoyourdefiancesfor
defiances:nothingtoyourresolutiondeclaredmorethanonce,thatyouwouldberelatedtoafamily,which,nevertheless,youwouldnotstooptoaskarelationof:nothing,inshorttocourseswhicheverybodyblamedyoufor,younotthinkingitworthyourwhiletojustifyyourself.HadInotthoughtyouusedinanungentlemanlymanner,asIhaveheretoforetoldyou,youhadnothadmynoticebypenandink.*Thatnoticegaveyouasupposedsecurity,andyougenerouslydefiedmyfriendsthemoreforit:andthisbroughtuponme(perhapsnotundeservedly)myfather'sdispleasure;withoutwhich,mybrother'sprivatepique,andselfishviews,wouldhavewantedafoundationtobuildupon:sothatforallthatfollowedofmytreatment,andyourredundantonly's,Imightthankyouprincipally,asyoumayyourselfforallyoursufferings,yourmightysufferings!--Andif,volubleSir,you
havefoundedanymerituponthem,besogoodastorevokeit:andlookuponme,withmyforfeitedreputation,astheonlysufferer--Forwhat--prayhearmeout,Sir[forhewasgoingtospeak]haveyousufferedinbutyourpride?Yourreputationcouldnotsuffer:thatitwasbeneathyoutobesolicitousabout.Andhadyounotbeenanunmanageableman,IshouldnothavebeendriventotheextremityInoweveryhour,asthehourpasses,deplore--withthisadditionalreflectionuponmyself,thatIoughtnottohavebegun,or,havingbegun,notcontinuedacorrespondencewithonewhothoughtitnotworthhiswhiletoclearhisowncharacterformysake,ortosubmittomyfatherforhisown,inapointwhereineveryfatheroughttohaveanoption--
*SeeLetterVI.ofthisvolume.
Darkness,light;light,darkness;bymysoul;--justasyoupleasetohaveit.Ocharmerofmyheart!snatchingmyhand,andpressingitbetweenbothofhis,tohislips,inastrangewildway,takeme,takemetoyourself:mouldmeasyouplease:Iamwaxinyourhands;givemeyourownimpression;andsealmeforeveryours--wewerebornforeachother!--Youtomakemehappy,andsaveasoul--Iamallerror,allcrime.IseewhatIoughttohavedone.Butdoyouthink,Madam,Ican
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willinglyconsenttobesacrificedtoapartialreconciliation,inwhichIshallbesogreat,soirreparableasufferer!--Anythingbutthat--includemeinyourterms:prescribetome:promiseformeasyouplease--putahalteraboutmyneck,andleadmebyit,uponconditionofforgivenessonthatdisgracefulpenance,andofaprostrationasservile,toyourfather'spenance(yourbrotherabsent),andIwillbeghisconsentathisfeet,andbearanythingbutspurningfromhim,becauseheisyourfather.Buttogiveyouupuponcoldconditions,d----nme[saidtheshockingwretch]ifIeitherwill,orcan!
Thesewerehiswords,asnearasIcanrememberthem;forhisbehaviourwassostrangelywildandfervent,thatIwasperfectlyfrighted.Ithoughthewouldhavedevouredmyhand.Iwishedmyselfathousandmilesdistantfromhim.
Itoldhim,Ibynomeansapprovedofhisviolenttemper:hewastooboisterousamanformyliking.Isawnow,bytheconversationthathadpassed,whatwashisboastedregardtomyinjunctions;andshouldtakemymeasuresaccordingly,asheshouldsoonfind.And,withahalffrightedearnestness,Idesiredhimtowithdraw,andleavemetomyself.
Heobeyed;andthatwithextremecomplaisanceinhismanner,butwithhiscomplexiongreatlyheightened,andacountenanceasgreatlydissatisfied.
But,onrecollectingallthatpassed,Iplainlyseethathemeansnot,ifhecanhelpit,toleavemetothelibertyofrefusinghim;whichIhadneverthelesspreservedarighttodo;butlooksuponmeashis,byastrangesortofobligation,forhavingrunawaywithmeagainstmywill.
Yetyouseehebuttouchesupontheedgesofmatrimonyneither.Andthatatatime,generally,whenhehaseitherexcitedone'spassionsorapprehensions;sothatonecannotatoncedescend.Butsurelythiscannotbehisdesign.--Andyetsuchseemedtobehisbehaviourtomysister,*whenheprovokedhertorefusehim,andsotamelysubmitted,ashedid,toherrefusal.Buthedarenot--Whatcanonesayofsovariousaman?--Iamnowagainoutofconceitwithhim.IwishIwerefairlyout
ofhispower.
*SeeVol.I.LettersII.andIII.
Hehassentupthreetimestobegadmittance;inthetwolastwithunusualearnestness.ButIhavesenthimword,IwillfinishwhatIamabout.
Whattodoaboutgoingfromthisplace,Icannottell.Icouldstayherewithallmyheart,asIhavesaidtohim:thegentlewomanandherdaughtersaredesirousthatIwill:althoughnotveryconvenientfor
them,Ibelieve,neither:butIseehewillnotleaveme,whileIdo--soImustremovesomewhere.
Ihavelongbeensickofmyself:andnowIammoreandmoreso.Butletmenotloseyourgoodopinion.IfIdo,thatlosswillcompletethemisfortunesof
YourCL.HARLOWE.
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LETTERXXX
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWESUNDAYNIGHT,APRIL16.
Imaysendtoyou,althoughyouareforbidtowritetome;mayInot?--Forthatisnotacorrespondence(isit?)wherelettersarenotanswered.
Iamstrangelyatalosswhattothinkofthisman.HeisaperfectProteus.Icanbutwriteaccordingtotheshapeheassumesatthetime.Don'tthinkmethechangeableperson,Ibeseechyou,ifinoneletterIcontradictwhatIwroteinanother;nay,ifIseemtocontradictwhatIsaidinthesameletter:forheisaperfectcamelion;orrathermorevariablethanthecamelion;forthat,itissaid,cannotassumetheredandthewhite;butthismancan.Andthoughblackseemstobehisnaturalcolour,yethashetakengreatpainstomakemethinkhimnothingbutwhite.
ButyoushalljudgeofhimasIproceed.Only,ifIanywhereappeartoyoutobecredulous,Ibegyoutosetmeright:foryouareastander-by,asyousayinaformer*--WouldtoHeavenIwerenottoplay!
forIthink,afterall,Iamheldtoadesperategame.
*SeeLetterVIII.ofthisvolume.
BeforeIcouldfinishmylasttoyou,hesentuptwicemoretobegadmittance.Ireturnedforanswer,thatIwouldseehimatmyowntime:Iwouldneitherbeinvadednorprescribedto.
Consideringhowweparted,andmydelayinghisaudience,ashesometimescallsit,Iexpectedhimtobeinnoverygoodhumour,whenIadmittedofhisvisit;andbywhatIwrote,youwillconcludethatIwasnot.Yet
minesoonchanged,whenIsawhisextremehumilityathisentrance,andheardwhathehadtosay.
Ihavealetter,Madam,saidhe,fromLadyBettyLawrance,andanotherfrommycousinCharlotte.Butofthesemoreby-and-by.Icamenowtomakemyhumbleacknowledgementtoyouupontheargumentsthatpassedbetweenussolately.
Iwassilent,wonderingwhathewasdrivingat.
Iamamostunhappycreature,proceededhe:unhappyfromastrangeimpatiencyofspirit,whichIcannotconquer.Italwaysbringsuponmedeservedhumiliation.Butitismorelaudabletoacknowledge,thanto
perseverewhenunderthepowerofconviction.
Iwasstillsilent.
Ihavebeenconsideringwhatyouproposedtome,Madam,thatIshouldacquiescewithsuchtermsasyoushouldthinkpropertocomplywith,inordertoareconciliationwithyourfriends.
Well,Sir.
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AndIfindalljust,alljust,onyourside;andallimpatience,allinconsiderationonmine.
Istared,youmaysuppose.Whencethischange,Sir?andsosoon?
Iamsomuchconvincedthatyoumustbeintherightinallyouthinkfittoinsistupon,thatIshallforthefuturemistrustmyself;and,ifitbepossible,wheneverIdifferwithyou,takeanhour'stimeforrecollection,beforeIgivewaytothatvehemence,whichanopposition,towhichIhavenotbeenaccounted,toooftengivesme.
Allthisismightygood,Sir:Buttowhatdoesittend?
Why,Madam,whenIcametoconsiderwhatyouhadproposed,astothetermsofreconciliationwithyourfriends;andwhenIrecollectedthatyouhadalwaysreferredtoyourselftoapproveorrejectme,accordingtomymeritsordemerits;Iplainlysaw,thatitwasratheracondescensioninyou,thanthatyouwereimposinganewlaw:andInow,Madam,begyourpardonformyimpatience:whatevertermsyouthinkpropertocomeintowithyourrelations,whichwillenableyoutohonourmewiththeconditionaleffectofyourpromisetome,tothesebepleasedtoconsent:andifIloseyou,insupportableasthatthoughtistome;yet,asitmustbebymyownfault,Ioughttothankmyselfforit.
Whatthinkyou,MissHowe?--Doyoubelievehecanhaveanyviewinthis?--Icannotseeanyhecouldhave;andIthoughtitbest,asheputitinsorightamanner,toappearnottodoubtthesincerityofhisconfession,andtoacceptofitassincere.
HethenreadtomepartofLadyBetty'sletter;turningdownthebeginning,whichwasalittletoosevereuponhim,hesaid,formyeye:andIbelieve,bythestyle,theremainderofitwasinacorrectivestrain.
Itwastooplain,Itoldhim,thathemusthavegreatfaults,thatnoneofhisrelationscouldwritetohim,butwithamingledcensureforsome
badaction.
Anditisasplain,mydearestcreature,saidhe,thatyou,whoknownotofanysuchfaults,butbysurmise,areequallyreadytocondemnme.--Willnotcharityallowyoutoinfer,thattheirchargesarenobettergrounded?--Andthatmyprincipalfaulthasbeencarelessnessofmycharacter,andtoolittlesolicitudetoclearmyself,whenaspersed?Which,Idoassureyou,isthecase.
LadyBetty,inherletter,expressesherselfinthemostobligingmannerinrelationtome.'Shewisheshimsotobehave,astoencouragemetomakehimsoonhappy.Shedesireshercomplimentstome;andexpressesherimpatiencetosee,asherniece,socelebratedalady[thoseareher
highwords].Sheshalltakeitforanhonour,shesays,tobeputintoawaytoobligeme.ShehopesIwillnottoolongdelaytheceremony;becausethatperformed,willbetoher,andtoLordM.andLadySarah,asurepledgeofhernephew'smeritsandgoodbehaviour.'
Shesays,'shewasalwayssorrytohearofthehardshipsIhadmetwithonhisaccount:thathewillbethemostungratefulofme,ifhemakeitnotalluptome:andthatshethinksitincumbentuponalltheirfamilytosupplytomethelostfavourofmyown:and,forherpart,nothingofthatkind,shebidshimassureme,shallbewanting.'
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Herladyshipobserves,'Thatthetreatmenthehadreceivedfrommyfamilywouldhavebeenmuchmoreunaccountablethanitwas,withsuchnaturalandaccidentaladvantagesashehad,haditnotbeenowingtohisowncarelessmanners.ButshehopesthathewillconvincetheHarlowefamilythattheyhadthoughtworseofhimthanhehaddeserved;sincenowitwasinhispowertoestablishhischaracterforever.ThisshepraystoGodtoenablehimtodo,aswellforhisownhonour,asforthehonouroftheirhouse,'wasthemagnificentword.
Sheconcludes,with'desiringtobeinformedofournuptialsthemomenttheyarecelebrated,thatshemaybewiththeearliestinfelicitatingmeonthehappyoccasion.'
ButherLadyshipgivesmenodirectinvitationtoattendherbeforethemarriage:whichImighthaveexpectedfromwhathehadtoldme.
HethenshewedmepartofMissMontague'smoresprightlyletter,'congratulatinghimuponthehonourhehadobtained,oftheconfidenceofsoadmirablealady.'Theseareherwords.Confidence,mydear!Nobody,indeed,asyousay,willbelieveotherwise,weretheytobetoldthetruth:andyouseethatMissMontague(andallhisfamily,Isuppose)thinkthatthestepIhavetakenanextraordinaryone.'Shealsowishesforhisspeedynuptials;andtoseehernewcousinatM.
Hall:asdoLordM.shetellshim,andhersister;andingeneralallthewell-wishersoftheirfamily.
'Wheneverthishappydayshallbepassed,sheproposes,shesays,toattendme,andtomakeoneinmytraintoM.Hall,ifhisLordshipshallcontinueasillofthegoutasheisatpresent.Butthat,shouldhegetbetter,hewillhimselfattendme,sheissure,andconductmethither;andafterwardsquiteitherofhisthreeseatstous,tillweshallbesettledtoourmind.'
Thisyoungladysaysnothinginexcusefornotmeetingmeontheroad,orSt.Alban's,ashehadmademeexpectshewould:yetmentionsherhavingbeenindisposed.Mr.Lovelacehadalsotoldme,thatLordM.was
illofthegout;whichMissMontague'sletterconfirms.
Butwhydidnotthemanshowmetheseletterslastnight?Washeafraidofgivingmetoomuchpleasure?
LETTERXXXI
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWE
Youmaybelieve,mydear,thattheselettersputmeingoodhumourwithhim.Hesawitinmycountenance,andcongratulatedhimselfuponit.YetIcannotbutrepeatmywonder,thatIcouldnothavethecontentsofthemcommunicatedtomelastnight.*
*ThereaderwillseehowMissHoweaccountsforthis,inLetterXXXV.
HethenurgedmetogodirectlytoLadyBetty's,onthestrengthofher
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letter.
Buthow,saidI,canIdothat,wereIevenoutofallhopeofareconciliationwithmyfriends,(whichyet,howeverunlikelytobeeffected,ismydutytoattempt,)asherLadyshiphasgivenmenoparticularinvitation?
That,hewassure,wasowingtoherdoubtthatitwouldbeaccepted--Elseshehaddoneitwiththegreatestpleasureintheworld.
Thatdoubtitself,Isaid,wasenoughtodeterme:sinceherLadyship,whoknewsowelltheboundariestothefitandtheunfit,byhernotexpectingIwouldacceptoftheinvitation,hadshegivenit,wouldhavereasontothinkmeveryforward,ifIhadacceptedit;andmuchmoreforwardtogowithoutit.Then,saidI,Ithankyou,Sir,Ihavenoclothesfittogoanywhere,ortobeseenbyanybody.
O,Iwasfittoappearinthedrawing-room,werefulldressandjewelstobeexcused;andshouldmakethemostamiable[hemustmeanextraordinary]figurethere.Hewasastonishedattheeleganceofmydress.Bywhatartheknewnot,butIappearedtosuchadvantage,asifIhadadifferentsuiteveryday.
Besides,hiscousinsMontaguewouldsupplymewithallIwantedforthe
present;andhewouldwritetoMissCharlotteaccordingly,ifIwouldgivehimleave.
Doyouthinkmethejayinthefable?saidI.Wouldyouhavemevisittheownersoftheborroweddressesintheirownclothes?Surely,Mr.Lovelace,youthinkIhaveeitheraverylow,oraveryconfidentmind.
WouldIchoosetogotoLondon(foraveryfewdaysonly)inordertofurnishmyselfwithclothes?
Notatyourexpense,Sir,saidI,inanangrytone.
Icouldnothaveappearedinearnesttohim,inmydispleasureathis
artfulcontrivancestogetmeaway,ifIwerenotoccasionallytoshewmyrealfretfulnessuponthedestituteconditiontowhichhehasreducedme.Whenpeoplesetoutwrongtogether,itisverydifficulttoavoidrecriminations.
Hewishedheknewbutmymind--Thatshoulddirecthiminhisproposals,anditwouldbehisdelighttoobserveit,whateveritwere.
Mymindis,thatyou,Sir,shouldleavemeoutofhand--HowoftenmustItellyouso?
IfIwereanywherebuthere,hewouldobeyme,hesaid,ifIinsisteduponit.ButifIwouldassertmyright,thatwouldbeinfinitely
preferable,inhisopinion,toanyothermeasurebutone(whichhedurstonlyhintat:)forthenadmittinghisvisits,orrefusingthem,asIpleased,(Grantingacorrespondencebyletteronly)itwouldappeartoalltheworld,thatwhatIhaddone,wasbutinordertodomyselfjustice.
Howoften,Mr.Lovelace,mustIrepent,thatIwillnotlitigatewithmyfather?DoyouthinkthatmyunhappycircumstanceswillaltermynotionsofmyowndutysofarasIshallbeenabledtoperformit?HowcanIobtainpossessionwithoutlitigation,andbutbymytrustees?Oneof
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themwillbeagainstme;theotherisabroad.Thentheremedyproposedbythismeasure,wereIdisposedtofallinwithit,willrequiretimetobringitintoeffect;andwhatIwant,ispresentindependence,andyourimmediateabsence.
Uponhissoul,thewretchswore,hedidnotthinkitsafe,forthereasonshehadbeforegiven,toleavemehere.HewishedIwouldthinkofsomeplace,towhichIshouldliketogo.Buthemusttakethelibertytosay,thathehopedhisbehaviourhadnotbeensoexceptionable,astomakemesoveryearnestforhisabsenceintheinterim:andtheless,surely,asIwasalmosteternallyshuttingupmyselffromhim;althoughhepresumedtoassureme,thatheneverwentfromme,butwithacorrectedheart,andwithstrengthenedresolutionsofimprovingbymyexample.
Externallyshuttingmyselfupfromyou!repeatedI--Ihope,Sir,thatIexpecttobeuninvadedinmyretirements.Ihopeyoudonotthinkmesoweakacreature(noviceasyouhavefoundmeinaverycapitalinstance)astobefondofoccasionstohearyourfondspeeches,especiallyasnodifferingcircumstancesrequireyourover-frequentvisits;northatIamtobeaddressedto,asifIthoughthourlyprofessionsneedfultoassuremeofyourhonour.
Heseemedalittledisconcerted.
Youknow,Mr.Lovelace,proceededI,whyIamsoearnestforyourabsence.Itis,thatImayappeartotheworldindependentofyou;andinhopes,bythatmeans,tofinditlessdifficulttosetonfootareconciliationwithmyfriends.Andnowletmeadd,(inordertomakeyoueasierastothetermsofthathoped-forreconciliation,)thatsinceIfindIhavethegoodfortunetostandsowellwithyourrelations,Iwill,fromtimetotime,acquaintyou,byletter,whenyouareabsent,witheverystepIshalltake,andwitheveryoverturethatshallbemadetome:butnotwithanintentiontorendermyselfaccountabletoyou,neither,astomyacceptanceornon-acceptanceofthoseovertures.TheyknowthatIhaveapowergivenmebymygrandfather'swill,tobequeaththeestateheleftme,withotherofhisbounties,inawaythatmay
affectthem,thoughnotabsolutelyfromthem.Thisconsideration,Ihope,willprocuremesomefromthem,whentheirpassionsubsides,andwhentheyknowIamindependentofyou.
Charmingreasoning!--Andlethimtellme,thattheassuranceIhadgivenhimwasallhewishedfor.Itwasmorethanhecouldask.Whatahappinesstohaveawomanofhonourandgenerositytodependupon!Hadhe,onhisfirstentranceintotheworld,metwithsuchaone,hehadneverbeenotherthanamanofstrictvirtue.--Butall,hehoped,wasforthebest;since,inthatcase,hehadneverperhapshadthehappinesshenowhadinview;becausehisrelationshadalwaysbeenurginghimtomarry;andthatbeforehehadthehonourtoknowme.Andnow,ashehadnotbeensobadassomepeople'smalicereportedhimto
be,hehopedheshouldhavenearasmuchmeritinhisrepentance,asifhehadnevererred.--Afinerakishnotionandhope!Andtoomuchencouraged,Idoubt,mydear,bythegeneralityofoursex!
Thisbroughtonamoreseriousquestionortwo.You'llseebyitwhatacreatureanunmortifiedlibertineis.
Iaskedhim,ifheknewwhathehadsaid,alludedtoasentenceinthebestofbooks,Thatthereasmorejoyinheaven--
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Hetookthewordsoutofmymouth,
Overonesinnerthatrepenteth,thanoverninety-and-ninejustpersons,whichneednorepentance,*werehiswords.
*Lukexv.7.TheparableisconcerningtheNinety-nineSheep,nottheProdigalSon,asMr.Lovelaceerroneouslyimagines.
Yes,Madam,Ithoughtofit,assoonasIsaidit,butnotbefore.IhavereadthestoryoftheProdigalSon,I'llassureyou;andoneday,whenIamsettledasIhopetobe,willwriteadramaticpieceonthesubject.Ihaveattimeshaditinmyhead;andyouwillbetooready,perhaps,toallowmetobequalifiedfroit.
Yousolately,Sir,stumbledataword,withwhichyoumustbebetteracquainted,ereyoucanbethoroughlymasterofsuchasubject,thatIamamazedyoushouldknowanythingoftheScripture,andbesoignorantofthat.*
*SeeLetterXXIV.ofthisvolume.
OMadam,IhavereadtheBible,asafinepieceofancienthistory--ButasIhopetobesaved,ithasforsomeyearspastmademesouneasy,whenIhavepoppeduponsomepassagesinit,thatIhavebeenforcedtoruntomusicorcompanytodivertmyself.
Poorwretch!liftingupmyhandsandeyes.
Thedenunciationscomesoslap-dashuponone,sounceremoniously,asImaysay,withouteventheBy-your-leaveofarudeLondonchairman,thattheyoverturnone,horseandman,asSt.Paulwasoverturned.There'sanotherScriptureallusion,Madam!Thelight,inshort,ashiswas,istooglaringtobeborne.
OSir,doyouwanttobecomplimentedintorepentanceandsalvation?Butpray,Mr.Lovelace,doyoumeananythingatall,whenyouswearsooftenasyoudo,Byyoursoul,orbindanasseverationwiththewords,Asyouhopetobesaved?
Omybelovedcreature,shiftinghisseat;letuscallanothercause.
Why,Sir,don'tIneitheruseceremonyenoughwithyou?
DearestMadam,forbearforthepresent:Iambutinmynoviciate.Yourfoundationmustbelaidbrickbybrick:you'llhindertheprogressofthegoodworkyouwouldpromote,ifyoutumbleinawholewagon-loadat
onceuponme.
Lordblessme,thoughtI,whatacharacteristhatofalibertine!WhatacreatureamI,whohaveriskedwhatIhaveriskedwithsuchaone!--Whatataskbeforeme,ifmyhopescontinueofreformingsuchawildIndianasthis!--Nay,worsethanawildIndian;foramanwhoerrswithhiseyesopen,andagainstconviction,isathousandtimesworseforwhatheknows,andmuchhardertobereclaimed,thanifhehadneverknownanythingatall.
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Iwasequallyshockedathim,andconcernedforhim;andhavinglaidsofewbricks(tospeaktohisallusion)andthosesoill-cemented,Iwasaswillingasthegayandinconsideratetocallanothercause,ashetermedit--anothercause,too,moreimmediatelypressinguponme,frommyuncertainsituation.
Isaid,Itookitforgrantedthatheassentedtothereasoningheseemedtoapprove,andwouldleaveme.AndthenIaskedhim,whathereally,andinhismostdeliberatemind,wouldadvisemeto,inmypresentsituation?Hemustneedssee,Isaid,thatIwasatagreatlosswhattoresolveupon;entirelyastrangertoLondon,havingnoadviser,noprotector,atpresent:himself,hemustgivemeleavetotellhim,greatlydeficientinpractice,ifnotintheknowledge,ofthosedecorums,which,Ihadsupposed,werealwaystobefoundinamanofbirth,fortune,andeducation.
Heimagineshimself,Ifind,tobeaverypoliteman,andcannotbeartobethoughtotherwise.Heputuphislip--Iamsorryforit,Madam--amanofbreeding,amanofpoliteness,givemeleavetosay,[colouring,]ismuchmoreofablackswanwithyou,thanwithanyladyIevermetwith.
Thenthatisyourmisfortune,Mr.Lovelace,aswellasmine,atpresent.Everywomanofdiscernment,IsayasIsay,[Ihadamindtomortifyapride,thatIamsuredeservestobemortified;]thatyourpolitenessis
notregular,norconstant.Itisnothabit.Itistoomuchseenbyfitsandstarts,andsallies,andthosenotspontaneous.Youmustberemindedintothem.
OLord!OLord!--PoorI!--wasthelight,yetthehalf-angrywretch'sself-pityingexpression!
Iproceeded.--Uponmyword,Sir,youarenottheaccomplishedman,whichyourtalentsandopportunitieswouldhaveledonetoexpectyoutobe.Youareindeedinyournoviciate,astoeverylaudableattainment.
LETTERXXXII
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWE[INCONTINUATION.]
Asthissubjectwasintroducedbyhimself,andtreatedsolightlybyhim,Iwasgoingontotellhimmoreofmymind;butheinterruptedme--Dear,dearMadam,spareme.IamsorrythatIhavelivedtothishourfornothingatall.Butsurelyyoucouldnothavequittedasubjectsomuchmoreagreeable,andsomuchmoresuitable,Iwillsay,toyourpresentsituation,ifyouhadnottoocruelapleasureinmortifyingaman,whothelessneededtobemortified,ashebeforelookeduptoyou
withadiffidenceinhisownmeritstoogreattopermithimtospeakhalfofhismindtoyou.Bepleasedbuttoreturntothesubjectwewereupon;andatanothertimeIwillgladlyembracecorrectionfromtheonlylipsintheworldsoqualifiedtogiveit.
Youtalkofreformationsometimes,Mr.Lovelace,andinsotalking,acknowledgeerrors.ButIseeyoucanveryillbearthereproof,forwhichperhapsyouarenotsolicitoustoavoidgivingoccasion.Farbeitfrommetotakedelightinfindingfault;Ishouldbegladforbothoursakes,sincemysituationiswhatitis,thatIcoulddonothingbut
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praiseyou.Butfailureswhichaffectamindthatneednotbeverydelicatetobeaffectedbythem,aretoogratingtobepassedoverinsilencebyapersonwhowisestobethoughinearnestinherownduties.
Iadmireyourdelicacy,Madam,againinterruptedhe.AlthoughIsufferbyit,yetwouldInothaveitotherwise:indeedIwouldnot,whenIconsiderofit.Itisanangelicdelicacy,whichsetsyouabovealloursex,andevenaboveyourown.Itisnaturaltoyou,Madam;soyoumaythinkitextraordinary:butthereisnothinglikeitonearth,saidtheflatterer--Whatcompanyhashekept!
Butletusreturntotheformersubject--YouweresogoodastoaskmewhatIwouldadviseyoutodo:Iwantbuttomakeyoueasy;Iwantbuttoseeyoufixedtoyourliking:yourfaithfulHannahwithyou;yourreconciliationwiththosetowhomyouwishtobereconciled,setonfoot,andinatrain.Andnowletmementiontoyoudifferentexpedients;inhopesthatsomeoneofthemmaybeacceptabletoyou.
'IwillgotoMrs.Howe,ortoMissHowe,ortowhomsoeveryouwouldhavemetogo,andendeavourtoprevailuponthemtoreceiveyou.*
*Thereader,perhaps,neednotberemindedthathehadtakencarefromthefirst(seeVol.I.LetterXXXI.)todepriveherofanyprotection
fromMrs.Howe.Seeinhisnextletter,arepeatedaccountofthesameartifices,andhisexultationsuponhisinventionstoimposeuponthetwosuchwatchfulladiesasClarissaandMissHowe.
'DoyouinclinetogotoFlorencetoyourcousinMorden?Iwillfurnishyouwithanopportunityofgoingthither,eitherbyseatoLeghorn,orbylandthroughFrance.PerhapsImaybeabletoprocureoneoftheladiesofmyfamilytoattendyou.EitherCharlotteorPattywouldrejoiceinsuchanopportunityofseeingFranceandItaly.Asformyself,Iwillonlybeyourescort,indisguise,ifyouwillhaveitso,eveninyourlivery,thatyourpunctiliomaynotreceiveoffencebymyattendance.'
Itoldhim,Iwouldconsiderofallhehadsaid:butthatIhopedforalineortwofrommyauntHervey,ifnotfrommysister,tobothofwhomIhadwritten,which,ifIweretobesofavoured,mighthelptodetermineme.Meantime,ifhewouldwithdraw,Iwouldparticularlyconsiderofthisproposalofhis,inrelationtomycousinMorden.Andifithelditsweightwithme,sofarastowriteforyouropinionuponit,heshouldknowmymindinanhour'stime.
Hewithdrewwithgreatrespect:andinanhour'stimereturned.AndIthentoldhimitwasunnecessarytotroubleyouforyouropinionaboutit.MycousinMordenwassoonexpected.Ifhewerenot,Icouldnotadmithimtoaccompanymetohimuponanycondition.Itwashighly
improbablethatIshouldobtainthefavourofeitherofhiscousins'company:andifthatcouldbebroughtabout,itwouldbethesamethingintheworld'seyeasifhewenthimself.
Thisledusintoanotherconversation;whichshallbethesubjectofmynext.
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LETTERXXXIII
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE[INCONTINUATION.]
Mr.Lovelacetoldme,thatonthesuppositionthathisproposalinrelationtomycousinMordenmightnotbeaccepted,hehadbeenstudyingtofindout,ifpossible,someotherexpedientthatmightbeagreeable,inordertoconvinceme,thathepreferredmysatisfactiontohisown.
Hethenofferedtogohimself,andprocuremyHannahtocomeandattendme.AsIhaddeclinedtheserviceofeitheroftheyoungMissesSorlings,hewasextremelysolicitous,hesaid,thatIshouldhaveaservantinwhoseintegrityImightconfide.
Itoldhim,thatyouwouldbesokindastosendtoengageHannah,ifpossible.
Ifanything,hesaid,shouldpreventHannahfromcoming,supposehehimselfwaiteduponMissHowe,todesirehertolendmeherservanttillIwasprovidedtomymind?
Isaid,yourmother'shighdispleasureatthestepIhadtaken,(asshesupposed,voluntarily,)haddeprivedmeofanopenassistanceofthat
sortfromyou.
Hewasamazed,somuchasMrs.Howeherselfusedtoadmireme,andsogreataninfluenceasMissHowewassupposed,anddeservedtohaveoverhermother,thatMrs.Howeshouldtakeuponherselftobesomuchoffendedwithme.Hewishedthattheman,whotooksuchpainstokeepupandenflamethepassionsofmyfatheranduncles,werenotatthebottomofthismischieftoo.
Iwasafraid,Isaid,thatmybrotherwas:orelsemyuncleAntony,Idaredtosay,wouldnothavetakensuchpainstosetMrs.Howeagainstme,asIunderstoodhehaddone.
SinceIhaddeclinedvisitingLadySarah,andLadyBetty,heaskedme,ifIshouldacceptofavisitfromhiscousinMontague,andacceptofaservantofhersforthepresent?
Thatwasnot,Isaid,anacceptableproposal:butIwouldfirstseeifmyfriendswouldsendmemyclothes,thatImightnotmakesuchagiddyandrunawayappearancetoanyofhisrelations.
IfIpleased,hewouldtakeanotherjourneytoWindsor,tomakeamoreparticularinquiryamongstthecanons,orinanyworthyfamily.
Werenothisobjectionsastothepublicnessoftheplace,Iaskedhim,asstrongnowasbefore?
Iremember,mydear,inoneofyourformerletters,youmentionedLondonasthemostprivateplacetobein:*andIsaid,thatsincehemadesuchpretencesagainstleavingmehere,asshewedhehadnointentiontodoso;andsinceheengagedtogofromme,andleavemetopursuemyownmeasures,ifIwereelsewhere;andsincehispresencemadetheselodgingsinconvenienttome;IshouldnotbedisinclinedtogotoLondon,didIknowanybodythere.
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*SeeVol.II.LetterXXXVII.
AshehadseveraltimesproposedLondontome,Iexpectedthathewouldeagerlyhaveembracedthatmotionfromme.Buthetooknotreadyholdofit:yetIthoughthiseyeapprovedofit.
Wearebothgreatwatchersofeachother'seyes;and,indeed,seemtobemorethanhalfafraidofeachother.
Hethenmadeagratefulproposaltome:'thatIwouldsendformyNortontoattendme.'*
*ThereaderisreferredtoMr.Lovelace'snextletter,forhismotivesinmakingtheseveralproposalsofwhichtheLadyiswillingtothinksowell.
Hesawbymyeyes,hesaid,thathehadatlastbeenhappyinanexpedient,whichwouldanswerthewishesofusboth.Why,sayshe,didInotthinkofitbefore?--Andsnatchingmyhand,ShallIwrite,Madam?ShallIsend?ShallIgoandfetchtheworthywomanmyself?
Afteralittleconsideration,Itoldhimthatthiswasindeedagratefulmotion:butthatIapprehendeditwouldputhertoadifficultywhichshewouldnotbeabletogetover;asitwouldmakeawomanofherknownprudenceappeartocountenanceafugitivedaughterinoppositiontoherparents;andashercomingtomewoulddepriveherofmymother'sfavour,withoutitsbeinginmypowertomakeituptoher.
Omybelovedcreature!saidhe,generouslyenough,letnotthisbeanobstacle.IwilldoeverythingforMrs.Nortonyouwishtohavedone.--Letmegoforher.
Morecoollythanperhapshisgenerositydeserved,ItoldhimitwasimpossiblebutImustsoonhearfrommyfriends.Ishouldnot,mean
time,embroilanybodywiththem.NotMrs.Nortonespecially,fromwhoseinterestin,andmediationwith,mymother,Imightexpectsomegood,wereshetokeepherselfinaneutralstate:that,besides,thegoodwomanhadamindaboveherfortune;andwouldsoonerwantthanbebeholdentoanybodyimproperly.
Improperly!saidhe.--Havenotpersonsofmeritarighttoallthebenefitsconferreduponthem?--Mrs.Nortonissogoodawoman,thatIshallthinkshelaysmeunderanobligationifshewillputitinmypowertoserveher;althoughshewerenottoaugmentit,bygivingmetheopportunity,atthesametime,ofcontributingtoyourpleasureandsatisfaction.
Howcouldthisman,withsuchpowersofrightthinking,besofardepravedbyevilhabits,astodisgracehistalentsbywrongacting?
Istherenotroom,afterall,thoughtI,atthetime,tohope(ashesolatelyledmetohope)thattheexampleitwillbehoveme,forbothoursakes,toendeavourtosethim,mayinfluencehimtoachangeofmanners,inwhichbothmayfindouraccount?
Givemeleave,Sir,saidI,totellyou,thereisastrangemixtureinyourmind.Youmusthavetakenpainstosuppressmanygoodmotions
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andreflectionsastheyarose,orlevitymusthavebeensurprisinglypredominantinit.--Butastothesubjectwewereupon,thereisnotakinganyresolutionstillIhearfrommyfriends.
Well,Madam,Icanonlysay,Iwouldfindoutsomeexpedient,ifIcould,thatshouldbeagreeabletoyou.ButsinceIcannot,willyoubesogoodastotellmewhatyouwouldwishtohavedone?NothingintheworldbutIwillcomplywith,exceptingleavingyouhere,atsuchadistancefromtheplaceIshallbein,ifanythingshouldhappen;andinaplacewheremygossipingrascalshavemademeinamannerpublic,forwantofpropercautionsatfirst.
Thesevermin,addedhe,haveapridetheycanhardlyrein-in,whentheyserveamanoffamily.Theyboastoftheirmaster'spedigreeanddescent,asiftheywererelatedtohim.Norisanythingtheyknowofhim,orofhisaffairs,asecrettooneanother,wereitamatterthatwouldhanghim.
Ifso,thoughtI,menoffamilyshouldtakecaretogivethemsubjectsworthboastingof.
Iamquiteataloss,saidI,whattodoorwheretogo.Wouldyou,Mr.Lovelace,inearnest,advisemetothinkofgoingtoLondon?
AndIlookedathimwithstedfastness.ButnothingcouldIgatherfromhislooks.
Atfirst,Madam,saidhe,IwasforproposingLondon,asIwasthenmoreapprehensiveofpursuit.Butasyourrelationsseemcooleronthathead,Iamthemoreindifferentabouttheplaceyougoto.--Soasyouarepleased,soasyouareeasy,Ishallbehappy.
ThisindifferenceofhistoLondon,Icannotbutsay,mademeinclinethemoretogothither.Iaskedhim(tohearwhathewouldsay)ifhecouldrecommendmetoanyparticularplaceinLondon?
No,hesaid:nonethatwasfitforme,orthatIshouldlike.Hisfriend
Belford,indeed,hadveryhandsomelodgingsnearSoho-square,atarelation's,whosewifewasawomanofvirtueandhonour.These,asMr.Belfordwasgenerallyinthecountry,hecouldborrowtillIwasbetteraccommodated.
Iwasresolvedtorefusetheseatthefirstmention,asIshouldanyotherhehadnamed.Nevertheless,Iwillsee,thoughtI,ifhehasreallythoughtoftheseforme.IfIbreakoffthetalkhere,andheresumethisproposalwithearnestnessinthemorning,IshallapprehendthatheislessindifferentthanheseemstobeaboutmygoingtoLondon,andthathehasalreadyalodginginhiseyeforme.AndthenIwillnotgoatall.
Butaftersuchgenerousmotionsfromhim,IreallythinkitalittlebarbaroustoactandbehaveasifIthoughthimcapableoftheblackestandmostungratefulbaseness.Buthischaracter,hisprinciples,aresofaulty!Heissolight,sovain,sovarious,thatthereisnocertaintythathewillbenexthourwhatheisthis.Then,mydear,Ihavenoguardiannow;nofather,nomother!onlyGodandmyvigilancetodependupon.AndIhavenoreasontoexpectamiracleinmyfavour.
Well,Sir,saidI,[risingtoleavehim,]somethingmustberesolvedupon:butIwillpostponethissubjecttillto-morrowmorning.
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Hewouldfainhaveengagedmelonger:butIsaidIwouldseehimasearlyashepleasedinthemorning.HemightthinkofanyconvenientplaceinLondon,ornearit,inmeantime.
AndsoIretiredfromhim.AsIdofrommypen;hopingforbetterrestforthefewhoursthatremainofthisnightthanIhavehadofalongtime.
CLARISSAHARLOWE.
LETTERXXXIV
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE[INCONTINUATION.]MONDAYMORNING,APRIL17.
LateasIwenttobed,Ihavehadverylittlerest.SleepandIhavequarreled;andalthoughIcourtit,itwillnotbefriends.Ihopeitsfellow-irreconcilablesatHarlowe-placeenjoyitsbalmycomforts.Elsethatwillbeanaggravationofmyfault.Mybrotherandsister,Idaresay,wantitnot.
Mr.Lovelace,whoisanearlyriser,aswellasI,joinedmeinthegardenaboutsix;andaftertheusualsalutations,askedmetoresumeourlastnight'ssubject.ItwasuponlodgingsatLondon,hesaid.
Ithinkyoumentionedonetome,Sir--Didyounot?
Yes,Madam,[but,watchingtheturnofmycountenance,]ratheraswhatyouwouldbewelcometo,thanperhapsapproveof.
Ibelievesotoo.Togototownuponanuncertainty,Iown,isnotagreeable:buttobeobligedtoanypersonsofyouracquaintance,whenIwanttobethoughtindependentofyou;andtoaperson,especially,to
whommyfriendsaretodirecttome,iftheyvouchsafetotakenoticeofmeatall,isanabsurdthingtomention.
HedidnotmentionitaswhatheimaginedIwouldaccept,butonlytoconfirmtomewhathehadsaid,thathehimselfknewofnonefitforme.
Hasnotyourfamily,Madam,someonetradesmantheydealwith,whohasconveniencesofthiskind?Iwouldmakeitworthsuchaperson'swhiletokeephissecretofyourbeingathishouse.Tradersaredealersinpins,saidhe,andwillbemoreobligedbyapennycustomer,thanbyapoundpresent,becauseitisintheirway:yetwillrefuseneither,anymorethanalawyeroramanofofficehisfee.
Myfather'stradesmen,Isaid,would,nodoubt,bethefirstemployedtofindmeout.Sothatthatproposalwasaswrongastheother.Andwhoisitthatacreaturesolatelyinfavourwithallherfriendscanapplyto,insuchasituationasmine,butmustbe(atleast)equallythefriendsofherrelations.
Wehadagooddealofdiscourseuponthesametopic.But,atlast,theresultwasthis--HewrotealettertooneMr.Doleman,amarriedman,offortuneandcharacter,(IexceptingtoMr.Belford,)desiringhimtoprovidedecentapartmentsreadyfurnished[Ihadtoldhimwhatthey
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shouldbe]forasinglewoman;consistingofabed-chamber;anotherforamaidservant;withtheuseofadining-roomorparlour.Thisletterhegavemetoperuse;andthensealeditup,anddispatcheditawayinmypresence,byoneofhisownservants,who,havingbusinessintown,istobringbackananswer.
Iattendtheissueofit;holdingmyselfinreadinesstosetoutforLondon,unlessyou,mydear,advisethecontrary.
LETTERXXXV
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.SAT.,SUNDAY,MONDAY.
Hegives,inseveralletters,thesubstanceofwhatiscontainedinthelastsevenoftheLady's.
Hetellshisfriend,thatcallingatTheLawn,inhiswaytoM.Hall,(forheownsthathewentnottoWindsor,)hefoundthelettersfromLadyBettyLawrance,andhiscousinMontague,whichMrs.Gremewasaboutsendingtohimbya
specialmessenger.
Hegivestheparticulars,fromMrs.Greme'sreport,ofwhatpassedbetweentheLadyandher,asinLetterVI.andmakessuchdeclarationstoMrs.GremeofhishonourandaffectiontotheLady,asputheruponwritingthelettertohersisterSorlings,thecontentsofwhichareinLetterXXVIII.
Hethenaccounts,asfollows,fortheserioushumourhefoundherinonhisreturn:
Uponsuchgoodtermswhenweparted,Iwassurprisedtofindsosolemna
browuponmyreturn,andhercharmingeyesredwithweeping.ButwhenIhadunderstoodshehadreceivedlettersfromMissHowe,itwasnaturaltoimaginethatthatlittledevilhadputheroutofhumourwithme.
Itiseasyformetoperceive,thatmycharmerismoresullenwhenshereceives,andhasperused,aletterfromthatvixen,thanatothertimes.Butasthesweetmaidshews,eventhen,moreofpassivegrief,thanofactivespirit,Ihopesheisratherlamentingthanplotting.And,indeed,forwhatnowshouldsheplot?whenIambecomeareformedman,andamhourlyimprovinginmymorals?--Nevertheless,Imustcontrivesomewayorothertogetattheircorrespondence--onlytoseetheturnofit;that'sall.
Butnoattemptofthiskindmustbemadeyet.Adetectedinvasion,inanarticlesosacred,wouldruinmebeyondretrieve.Nevertheless,itvexesmetothehearttothinkthatsheishourlywritingherwholemindonallthatpassesbetweenherandme,Iunderthesameroofwithher,yetkeptatsuchawfuldistance,thatIdarenotbreakintoacorrespondence,thatmayperhapsbeameantodefeatallmydevices.
Woulditbeverywicked,Jack,toknockhermessengeronthehead,asheiscarryingmybeloved'sletters,orreturningfromMissHowe's?--Toattempttobribehim,andnotsucceed,wouldutterlyruinme.Andthe
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manseemstobeoneusedtopoverty,onewhocansitdownsatisfiedwithit,andenjoyit;contentedwithhand-to-mouthconveniencies,andnotaimingtolivebetterto-morrow,thanhedoesto-day,andthanhedidyesterday.Suchaoneisabovetemptation,unlessitcouldcomeclothedintheguiseoftruthandtrust.Whatlikelihoodofcorruptingamanwhohasnohope,noambition?
Yettherascalhasbuthalflife,andgroansunderthat.ShouldIbeanswerableinhiscaseforawholelife?--Buthangthefellow!Lethimlive.WereIking,oraministerofstate,anAntonioPerez,*itwereanotherthing.Andyet,onsecondthoughts,amInotarake,asitiscalled?Andwhoeverknewarakestickatanything?Butthouknowest,Jack,thatthegreatesthalfofmywickednessisvapour,toshewmyinvention;andtoprovethatIcouldbemischievousifIwould.
*AntonioPerezwasfirstministerofPhilipII.kingofSpain,bywhosecommandhecausedDonJuandeEscovedotobeassassinated:whichbroughtonhisownruin,throughtheperfidyofhisvilermaster.--Gedde'sTracts.
WhenhecomestothatpartwheretheLadysays(LetterXXIX.)inasarcasticway,wavingherhand,andbowing,
'Excuseme,goodMr.Lovelace,thatIamwillingtothinkthebestofmyfather,'hegivesadescriptionofherairandmanner,greatlytoheradvantage;andsays,
Icouldhardlyforbeartakingherintomyarmsuponit,inspiteofanexpectedtempest.Somuchwit,somuchbeauty,suchalivelymanner,andsuchexceedingquicknessandpenetration!OBelford!shemustbenobody'sbutmine.IcannowaccountforandjustifyHerod'scommandtodestroyhisMariamne,ifhereturnednotalivefromhisinterviewwithCaesar:forwereItoknowthatitwerebutprobablethatanyothermanweretohavethischarmingcreature,evenaftermydeath,theverythoughtwouldbeenoughtoprovokemetocutthatman'sthroat,wereheaprince.
Imaybedeemedbythisladyarapid,aboisterouslover--andshemaylikemethelessforit:butalltheladiesIhavemetwith,tillnow,lovedtoraiseatempest,andtoenjoyit:nordidtheyeverraiseit,butIenjoyedittoo!--LordsendusoncehappilytoLondon!
Mr.Lovelacegivesthefollowingaccountofhisruderapture,whenheseizedherhand,andputher,byhisWILDmanner,assheexpressesit,LetterXXXIX.intosuchterror.
Darknessandlight,Iswore,wereconvertibleatherpleasure:shecouldmakeanysubjectplausible.Iwasallerror:sheallperfection.AndI
snatchedherhand;and,morethankissedit,Iwasreadytodevourit.Therewas,Ibelieve,akindofphrensyinmymanner,whichthrewherintoapanic,likethatofSemeleperhaps,whentheThunderer,inallhismajesty,surroundedwithtenthousandcelestialburning-glasses,wasabouttoscorchherintoacinder.
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Hadnotmyheartmisgivenme,andhadInot,justintime,recollectedthatshewasnotsomuchinmypower,butthatshemightabandonmeatherpleasure,havingmorefriendsinthathousethanIhad,Ishouldatthatmomenthavemadeoffers,thatwouldhavedecidedall,onewayorother.--But,apprehendingthatIhadshewntoomuchmeaninginmypassion,Igaveitanotherturn.--ButlittledidthecharmerthinkthatanescapeeithersheorIhad(astheeventmighthaveproved)fromthatsuddengustofpassion,whichhadliketohaveblownmeintoherarms.--Shewasborn,Itoldher,tomakemehappyandtosaveasoul.----
HegivestherestofhisvehementspeechprettynearlyinthesamewordsastheLadygivesthem:andthenproceeds:
Isawshewasfrighted:andshewouldhavehadreasonhadthescenebeenLondon,andthatplaceinLondon,whichIhaveinviewtocarryherto.Sheconfirmedmeinmyapprehension,thatIhadalarmedhertoomuch:shetoldme,thatshesawwhatmyboastedregardtoherinjunctionswas;andshewouldtakepropermeasuresuponit,asIshouldfind:thatshewasshockedatmyviolentairs;andifIhopedanyfavourfromher,Imustthatinstantwithdraw,andleavehertoherrecollection.
Shepronouncedthisinsuchamannerasshewedshewassetuponit;and,
havingsteppedoutofthegentle,andpolitepartIhadsonewlyengagedtoact,Ithoughtreadyobediencewasthebestatonement.AndindeedIwassensible,fromherangerandrepulses,thatIwantedtimemyselfforrecollection.AndsoIwithdrew,withthesamevenerationasapetitioningsubjectwouldwithdrawfromthepresenceofhissovereign.But,OBelford!hadshehadbuttheleastpatiencewithme--hadshebutmademethinkshewouldforgivethisinitiatoryardour--surelyshewillnotbealwaysthusguarded.--
Ihadnotbeenamomentbymyself,butIwassensiblethatIhadhalfforfeitedmynewly-assumedcharacter.Itisexceedinglydifficult,thouseest,foranhonestmantoactindisguises:asthepoetsays,ThrustNaturebackwithapitchfork,itwillreturn.Irecollected,thatwhat
shehadinsisteduponwasreallyapartofthatdeclaredwillbeforesheleftherfather'shouse,towhichinanothercase(tohumbleher)Ihadpretendedtohaveaninviolableregard.AndwhenIhadrememberedherwordsoftakinghermeasuresaccordingly,Iwasresolvedtosacrificealegoranarmtomakeallupagain,beforeshehadtimetodetermineuponanynewmeasures.
Howseasonablytothispurposehavecomeinmyaunt'sandcousin'sletters!
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Ihavesentinagainandagaintoimplorehertoadmitmetoherpresence.ButshewillconcludealettersheiswritingtoMissHowe,beforeshewillseeme.--Isupposetogiveheranaccountofwhathasjustpassed.
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Curseuponherperversetyranny!Howshemakesmewaitforanhumbleaudience,thoughshehasdonewritingforsometime!Aprincebeggingforheruponhiskneesshouldnotprevailuponmetospareher,ifIcanbutgethertoLondon--Oons!Jack,IbelieveIhavebitmylipthroughforvexation!--Butonedayher'sshallsmartforit.
Mr.Lovelace,beginninganewdate,givesanaccountofhisadmittance,andoftheconversationthatfollowed:whichdifferingonlyinstylefromthatoftheLadygivesinthenextletterisomitted.
Hecollectsthelady'sexpressions,whichhispridecannotbear:suchas,Thatheisastrangertothedecorumswhichshethoughtinseparablefromamanofbirthandeducation;andthatheisnottheaccomplishedmanheimagineshimselftobe;andthreatenstorememberthemagainsther.
Hevalueshimselfuponhisproposalsandspeeches,whichhegivestohisfriendprettymuchtothesamepurposethattheLadydoesinherfourlastletters.
AftermentioninghisproposaltoherthatshewouldborrowaservantfromMissHowe,tillHannahcouldcome,hewrites
asfollows:
Thouseest,Belford,thatmycharmerhasnonotionthatMissHoweherselfisbutapuppetdanceduponmywiresatsecondorthirdhand.Tooutwit,andimpel,asIplease,twosuchgirlsasthese,whothinktheyknoweverything;and,bytakingadvantageoftheprideandill-natureoftheoldonesofbothfamilies,toplaythemofflikewiseattheverytimetheythinktheyaredoingmespitefuldispleasure;whatcharmingrevenge!--Thenthesweetcreature,whenIwishedthatherbrotherwasnotatthebottomofMrs.Howe'sresentment,totellme,thatshewasafraidhewas,orherunclewouldnothaveappearedagainsthertothatlady!--Prettydear!howinnocent!
Butdon'tthinkmethecauseneitherofherfamily'smaliceandresentment.Itisallintheirhearts.Iworkbutwiththeirmaterials.They,iflefttotheirownwickeddirection,wouldperhapsexpresstheirrevengebyfireandfaggot;thatistosay,bytheprivatedagger,orbyLordChiefJustices'warrants,bylaw,andsoforth:Ionlypointthelightning,andteachitwheretodart,withoutthethunder.Inotherwords,Ionlyguidetheeffects:thecauseisintheirmalignanthearts:andwhileIamdoingalittlemischief,Ipreventagreatdeal.
ThusheexultsonhermentioningLondon:
IwantedhertoproposeLondonherself.Thismademeagainmention
Windsor.Ifyouwouldhaveawomandoonething,youmustalwaysproposeanother,andthattheverycontrary:thesex!theverysex!asIhopetobesaved!--Why,Jack,theylayamanunderanecessitytodealdoublywiththem!And,whentheyfindthemselvesoutwitted,theycryoutuponanhonestfellow,whohasbeentoohardforthemattheirownweapons.
Icouldhardlycontainmyself.Myheartwasatmythroat.--Down,down,saidItomyself,exuberantexultation!Asuddencoughbefriendedme;Iagainturnedtoher,allasindifferencedoverasagirlatthefirstlong-expectedquestion,whowaitsfortwomore.Iheardouttherestof
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herspeech:andwhenshehaddone,insteadofsayinganythingtoherforLondon,IadvisedhertosendforMrs.Norton.
AsIknewshewouldbeafraidoflyingunderobligation,Icouldhaveproposedtodosomuchforthegoodwomanandherson,aswouldhavemadeherresolvethatIshoulddonothing:this,however,notmerelytoavoidexpense.ButtherewasnosuchthingasallowingofthepresenceofMrs.Norton.ImightaswellhavehadhermotherorherauntHerveywithher.Hannah,hadshebeenabletocome,andhadsheactuallycome,Icouldhavedonewellenoughwith.WhatdoIkeepfellowsidlinginthecountryfor,buttofallinlove,andeventomarrythosewhomIwouldhavethemmarry?Nor,uponsecondthoughts,wouldthepresenceofherNorton,orofheraunt,orevenofhermother,havesavedthedearcreature,hadIdecreedherfall.
Howunequalisamodestwomantotheadventure,whenshethrowsherselfintothepowerofarake!Punctiliowill,atanytime,standforreasonwithsuchanone.Shecannotbreakthroughawell-testedmodesty.Nonebuttheimpudentlittlerogues,whocannametheparsonandthechurchbeforeyouthinkofeither,andundressandgotobedbeforeyouthenexthour,shouldthinkofrunningawaywithaman.
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Iamintherighttrainnow.Everyhour,Idoubtnot,willgivemeanincreasinginterestintheaffectionsofthisproudbeauty.Ihavejustcarriedunpolitenessfarenoughtomakeherafraidofme;andtoshewher,thatIamnowhiner.Everyinstanceofpoliteness,now,willgivemedoublecreditwithher.Mynextpointwillbetomakeheracknowledgealambentflame,apreferenceofmetoallothermen,atleast:andthenmyhappyhourisnotfaroff.Anacknowledgedreciprocalityinlovesanctifieseverylittlefreedom:andlittlefreedomsbegetgreater.Andifshecallmeungenerous,Icancallhercruel.Thesexlovetobecalledcruel.ManyatimehaveIcomplainedofcruelty,evenintheactofyielding,becauseIknewitgratifiedthefairone'spride.
MentioningthathehadonlyhintedatMr.Belford'slodgingsasaninstancetoconfirmwhathehadtoldher,thatheknewofnoneinLondonfitforher,hesays,
Ihadamindtoalarmherwithsomethingfurthestfrommypurpose;for(asmuchasshedislikedmymotion)Iintendnothingbyit:Mrs.Osgoodistoopiousawoman;andwouldhavebeenmoreherfriendthanmine.
Ihadaview,moreover,togiveheranhighopinionofherownsagacity.Ilove,whenIdigaput,tohavemypreytumbleinwithsecurefeet,andopeneyes:thenamancanlookdownuponher,withanO-ho,charmer,
howcameyouthere?
MONDAY,APRIL17.
Ihavejustnowreceivedafreshpieceofintelligencefrommyagent,honestJosephLeman.ThouknowestthehistoryofpoorMissBettertonofNottingham.JamesHarloweisplottingtorevivetheresentmentsofherfamilyagainstme.TheHarlowestookgreatpains,sometimeago,toendeavourtogettothebottomofthatstory.Butnowthefoolishdevils
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areresolvedtodosomethinginit,iftheycan.Myheadisworkingtomakethisbooby'squireaplotter,andacleverfellow,inordertoturnhisplotstomyadvantage,supposinghissistershallaimtokeepmeatarm'slengthwhenintown,andtosendmefromher.ButIwill,inpropertime,lettheeseeJoseph'sletter,andwhatIshallanswertoit.*Toknowintimeadesignedmischief,is,withme,todisappointit,andtoturnituponthecontriver'shead.
*SeeLettersXLVII.,XLVIII.ofthisvolume.
Josephisplaguysqueamishagain;butIknowheonlyintendsbyhisqualmstoswellhismeritswithme.OBelford!Belford!whatavilecorruptiblerogue,whetherinpoororrich,ishumannature!
LETTERXXXVI
MISSHOWE,TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWE[INANSWERTOLETTERSXXVIII.--XXXIV.INCLUSIVE.]TUESDAY,APRIL18.
Youhaveamostimplacablefamily.AnothervisitfromyouruncleAntonyhasnotonlyconfirmedmymotheranenemytoourcorrespondence,buthasalmostputherupontreadingintheirsteps.--
Buttoothersubjects:
YoupleadgenerouslyforMr.Hickman.Perhaps,withregardtohim,Imayhavedone,asIhaveoftendoneinsinging--begunanoteorkeytoohigh;andyet,ratherthanbeginagain,proceed,thoughIstrainmyvoice,orspoilmytune.Butthisisevident,themanisthemoreobservantforit;andyouhavetaughtme,thatthespiritwhichisthehumblerforillusage,willbeinsolentuponbetter.So,goodandgrave
Mr.Hickman,keepyourdistancealittlelonger,Ibeseechyou.Youhaveerectedanaltartome;andIhopeyouwillnotrefusetobowtoit.
Butyouaskme,ifIwouldtreatMr.Lovelace,werehetobeinMr.Hickman'splace,asIdoMr.Hickman?Whyreally,mydear,IbelieveIshouldnot.--Ihavebeenverysagelyconsideringthispointofbehaviour(ingeneral)onbothsidesincourtship;andIwillverycandidlytellyoutheresult.Ihaveconcluded,thatpoliteness,eventoexcess,isnecessaryonthemen'spart,tobringustolistentotheirfirstaddresses,inordertoinduceustobowourneckstoayokesounequal.But,uponmyconscience,Iverymuchdoubtwhetheralittleintermingledinsolenceisnotrequisitefromthem,tokeepupthatinterest,whenonceithasgotfooting.Menmustnotletussee,thatwecanmake
foolsofthem.AndIthink,thatsmoothlove;thatistosay,apassionwithoutrubs;inotherwords,apassionwithoutpassion;islikeasleepystreamthatishardlyseentogivemotiontoastraw.Sothat,sometimestomakeusfear,andeven,forashortspace,tohatethewretch,isproductiveofthecontraryextreme.
Ifthisbeso,Lovelace,thanwhomnomanwasevermorepoliteandobsequiousatthebeginning,hashittheverypoint.Forhisturbulencesince,hisreadinesstooffend,andhisequalreadinesstohumblehimself,(asmustkeepawoman'spassionalive);andatlasttireher
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intoanon-resistancethatshallmakeheraspassiveasatyrant-husbandwouldwishhertobe.
Iverilythink,thatthedifferentbehaviourofourtwoheroestotheirheroinesmakeoutthisdoctrinetodemonstration.Iamsomuchaccustomed,formyownpart,toHickman'swhining,creeping,submissivecourtship,thatInowexpectnothingbutwhineandcringefromhim:andamsolittlemovedwithhisnonsense,thatIamfrequentlyforcedtogotomyharpsichord,tokeepmeawake,andtosilencehishumdrum.WhereasLovelacekeepsuptheballwithawitness,andallhisaddressandconversationisonecontinualgameatraquet.
Yourfrequentquarrelsandreconciliationsverifythisobservation:andIreallybelieve,that,couldHickmanhavekeptmyattentionaliveaftertheLovelacemanner,onlythathehadpreservedhismorals,Ishouldhavemarriedthemanbythistime.Butthenhemusthavesetoutaccordingly.Fornowhecannever,neverrecoverhimself,that'scertain;butmustbeadanglertotheendofthecourtship-chapter;and,whatisstillworseforhim,apassivetotheendofhislife.
PoorHickman!perhapsyou'llsay.
Ihavebeencalledyourecho--PoorHickman!sayI.
Youwonder,mydear,thatMr.Lovelacetooknotnoticetoyouover-nightofthelettersofLadyBettyandhiscousin.Idon'tlikehiskeepingsuchamaterialandrelativecircumstance,asImaycallit,onemomentfromyou.Byhiscommunicatingthecontentsofthemtoyounextday,whenyouwasangrywithhim,itlooksasifhewithheldthemforoccasionalpacifiers;andifso,musthenothavehadaforethoughtthathemightgiveyoucauseforanger?Ofallthecircumstancesthathavehappenedsinceyouhavebeenwithhim,IthinkIlikethistheleast:thisalone,mydear,smallasitmightlooktoanindifferenteye,inminewarrantsallyourcaution.YetIthinkthatMrs.Greme'slettertohersisterSorlings:hisrepeatedmotionsforHannah'sattendance;andforthatofoneofthewidowSorlings'sdaughters;and,aboveall,forthatofMrs.Norton;areagreeablecounterbalances.Wereitnotfor
thesecircumstances,Ishouldhavesaidagreatdealmoreoftheother.Yetwhatafoolishfellow,toletyouknowover-nightthathehadsuchletters!--Ican'ttellwhattomakeofhim.
Iampleasedwiththecontentsoftheseladies'letters.Andthemore,asIhavecausedthefamilytobeagainsounded,andfindthattheyareallasdesirousaseverofyouralliance.
Theyreallyare(everyoneofthem)yourverygreatadmirers.AndasforLordM.,heissomuchpleasedwithyou,andwiththeconfidence,ashecallsit,whichyouhavereposedinhisnephew,thathevowshewilldisinherithim,ifherewarditnotasheought.Youmusttakecare,thatyoulosenotbothfamilies.
IhearMrs.Nortonisenjoined,asshevaluesthefavouroftheotherfamily,nottocorrespondeitherwithyouorwithme--Poorcreatures!--Buttheyareyour--yettheyarenotyourrelations,neither,Ibelieve.Hadyouhadanyothernurse,Ishouldhaveconcludedyouhadbeenchanged.Isufferbytheirlowmalice--excuseme,therefore.
YoureallyholdthismantohisgoodbehaviourwithmorespiritthanIthoughtyoumistressof;especiallywhenIjudgedofyoubythatmeeknesswhichyoualwayscontendedfor,astheproperdistinctionof
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thefemalecharacter;andbythelove,which(thinkasyouplease)youcertainlyhaveforhim.Youmayratherbeproudofthanangryattheimputation;sinceyouaretheonlywomanIeverknew,read,orheardof,whoselovewassomuchgovernedbyherprudence.Butwhenoncetheindifferenceofthehusbandtakesplaceoftheardourofthelover,itwillbeyourturn:and,ifIamnotmistaken,thisman,whoistheonlyself-admirerIeverknewwhowasnotacoxcomb,willratherinhisdayexpecthomagethanpayit.
Yourhandsomehusbands,mydear,makeawife'sheartacheveryoften:andthoughyouareasfineapersonofawoman,attheleast,asheisofaman,hewilltaketoomuchdelightinhimselftothinkhimselfmoreindebtedtoyourfavour,thanyouaretohisdistinctionandpreferenceofyou.Butnoman,takeyourfinermindwithyourveryfineperson,candeserveyou.Soyoumustbecontented,shouldyourmeritbeunderrated;sincethatmustbeso,marrywhomyouwill.PerhapsyouwillthinkIindulgethesesortofreflectionsagainstyourNarcissus'sofmen,tokeepmymother'schoiceformeofHickmanincountenancewithmyself--Idon'tknowbutthereissomethinginit;atleast,enoughtohavegivenbirthtothereflection.
IthinktherecanbenoobjectiontoyourgoingtoLondon.There,asinthecentre,youwillbeinthewayofhearingfromeverybody,andsendingtoanybody.Andthenyouwillputallhissinceritytothe
test,astohispromisedabsence,andsuchlike.
Butindeed,mydear,Ithinkyouhavenothingforitbutmarriage.Youmaytry(thatyoumaysayyouhavetried)whatyourrelationscanbebroughtto:butthemomenttheyrefuseyourproposals,submittotheyoke,andmakethebestofit.Hewillbeasavage,indeed,ifhemakesyouspeakout.Yet,itismyopinion,thatyoumustbendalittle;forhecannotbeartobethoughtslightlyof.
Thiswasoneofhisspeechesonce;Ibelievedesignedforme--'Awomanwhomeansonedaytofavourherloverwithherhand,shouldshowtheworld,forherownsake,thatshedistinguisheshimfromthecommonherd.'
ShallIgiveyouanotherveryfinesentenceofhis,andinthetruelibertinestyle,ashespokeit,throwingouthischallenginghand?--'D--nhim,ifhewouldmarrythefirstprincessonearth,ifhebutthoughtshebalancedaminuteinherchoiceofhim,orofanemperor.'
Alltheworld,inshort,expectyoutohavethisman.Theythink,thatyouleftyourfather'shouseforthisverypurpose.Thelongertheceremonyisdelayed,theworseappearanceitwillhaveintheworld'seye.Anditwillnotbethefaultofsomeofyourrelations,ifaslurbenotthrownuponyourreputation,whileyoucontinueunmarried.YouruncleAntony,inparticular,speaksroughandvilethings,groundedupon
themoralsofhisbrotherOrson.Buthithertoyouradmirablecharacterhasantidotedthepoison;thedetractorisdespised,andeveryone'sindignationraisedagainsthim.
Ihavewrittenthroughmanyinterruptions:andyouwillseethefirstsheetcreasedandrumpled,occasionedbyputtingitintomybosomonmymother'ssuddencominguponme.Wehavehadoneveryprettydebate,Iwillassureyou;butitisnotworthwhiletotroubleyouwiththeparticulars.--Butuponmyworld--nomatterthough--
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YourHannahcannotattendyou.Thepoorgirlleftherplaceaboutafortnightago,onaccountoftherheumaticdisorder,whichhasconfinedhertoherroomeversince.Sheburstintotears,whenKittycarriedtoheryourdesireofhavingherwithyou;andcalledherselfdoublyunhappy,thatshecouldnotwaituponamistresswhomshesodearlyloved.
Hadmymotheransweredmywishes,IshouldhavebeensorryMr.LovelacehadbeenthefirstproposerofmyKittyforyourattendant,tillHannahshouldcome.Tobealtogetheramongstrangers,andastrangertoattendyoueverytimeyouremove,isaverydisagreeablething.Butyourconsideratenessandbountywillmakeyoufaithfuloneswhereveryougo.
Youmusttakeyourownway:but,ifyousufferanyinconvenience,eitherastoclothesormoney,thatitisinmypowertoremedy,Iwillneverforgiveyou.Mymother,(ifthatisyourobjection)neednotknowanythingofthematter.
Wehaveallourdefects:wehaveoftenregrettedtheparticularfault,which,thoughinvenerablecharacters,wemusthavebeenblindnottosee.
Irememberwhatyouoncesaidtome;andthecautionwasgood:Letus,myNancy,wereyourwords;letus,whohavenotthesamefailings
asthosewecensure,guardagainstotherandgreaterinourselves.Nevertheless,Imustneedstellyou,thatmymotherhasvexedmealittleverylately,bysomeinstancesofherjealousnarrowness.Iwillmentiononeofthem,thoughIdidnotintendit.Shewantedtoborrowthirtyguineasofme:onlywhileshegotanotechanged.IsaidIcouldlendherbuteightorten.Eightortenwouldnotdo:shethoughtIwasmuchricher.Icouldhavetoldher,Iwasmuchcunningerthantoletherknowmystock;which,onareview,Ifindninety-fiveguineas;andallofthemmostheartilyatyourservice.
IbelieveyouruncleTonyputheruponthiswiseproject;forshewasoutofcashinanhourafterhelefther.
Ifhedid,youwilljudgethattheyintendtodistressyou.Ifitwillprovokeyoutodemandyourowninalegalway,Iwishtheywould;sincetheirputtingyouuponthatcoursewilljustifythenecessityofyourleavingthem.Andasitisnotforyourcredittoownthatyouweretrickedawaycontrarytoyourintention,thiswouldaffordareasonforyourgoingoff,thatIshouldmakeverygooduseof.You'llsee,thatIapproveofLovelace'sadviceuponthissubject.Iamnotwillingtoallowtheweightofyouranswertohimonthathead,whichperhapsoughttobeallowedit.*
*SeeLetterXXXI.ofthisvolume.
Youmustbethelesssurprisedattheinventionsofthisman,becauseofhisuncommontalents.Whateverhehadturnedhisheadto,hewouldhaveexcelledin;orbeen(ordonethings)extraordinary.Heissaidtoberevengeful:averybadquality!Ibelieve,indeed,heisadevilineverythingbuthisfoot--this,therefore,ismyrepeatedadvice--provokehimnottoomuchagainstyourself:butunchainhim,andlethimlooseuponyoursister'Betty,andyourbrother'sJosephLeman.Thisisresentinglow:butIknowtowhomIwrite,orelseIwouldgoagooddealhigher,[I'llassureyou.]
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Yournext,Isuppose,willbefromLondon.Praydirectit,andyourfutureletters,tillfurthernotice,toMr.Hickman,athisownhouse.Heisentirelydevotedtoyou.Don'ttakesoheavilymymother'spartialityandprejudices.IhopeIampastababy.
Heavenpreserveyou,andmakeyouashappyasIthinkyoudeservetobe,prays
YoureveraffectionateANNAHOWE.
LETTERXXXVII
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWEWEDN.MORNING,APRIL19.
Iamglad,mydearfriend,thatyouapproveofmyremovaltoLondon.
Thedisagreementbetweenyourmotherandyougivesmeinexpressibleaffliction.IhopeIthinkyoubothmoreunhappythanyouare.ButIbeseechyouletmeknowtheparticularsofthedebateyoucallavery
prettyone.Iamwellacquaintedwithyourdialect.WhenIaminformedofthewhole,letyourmotherhavebeeneversosevereuponme,Ishallbeeasieragreatdeal.--Faultypeopleshouldratherdeploretheoccasiontheyhavegivenforangerthanresentit.
IfIamtobeobligedtoanybodyinEnglandformoney,itshallbetoyou.Yourmotherneednotknowofyourkindnesstome,yousay--butshemustknowit,ifitbedone,andifshechallengemybelovedfrienduponit;forwouldyoueitherfalsifyorprevaricate?--Iwishyourmothercouldbemadeeasyonthishead--forgiveme,mydear,--butIknow--Yetonceshehadabetteropinionofme.--Omyinconsideraterashness!--Excusemeoncemore,Iprayyou.--Pride,whenitisnative,willshewitselfsometimesinthemidstofmortifications--butmy
stomachisdownalready.
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IamunhappythatIcannothavemyworthyHannah.Iamsorryforthepoorcreature'sillnessasformyowndisappointmentbyit.Come,mydearMissHowe,sinceyoupressmetobebeholdentoyou:andwouldthinkmeproudifIabsolutelyrefusedyourfavour;praybesogoodastosendhertwoguineasinmyname.
IfIhavenothingforit,asyousay,butmatrimony,ityieldslittle
comfort,thathisrelationsdonotdespisethefugitive,aspersonsoftheirrankandquality-pridemightbesupposedtodo,forhavingbeenafugitive.
ButOmycruel,thricecrueluncle!tosuppose--butmyheartchecksmypen,andwillnotletitproceed,onanintimationsoextremelyshockingasthatwhichhesupposes!--Yet,ifthustheyhavebeenpersuaded,nowonderiftheyareirreconcilable.
Thisisallmyhard-heartedbrother'sdoings!--Hissurmisings:--God
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forgivehim--prayshisinjuredsister!
LETTERXXXVIII
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWETHURSDAY,APRIL20.
Mr.Lovelace'sservantisalreadyreturnedwithananswerfromhisfriendMr.Doleman,whohastakenpainsinhisinquiries,andisveryparticular.Mr.Lovelacebroughtmetheletterassoonashehadreadit:andashenowknowsthatIacquaintyouwitheverythingthatheoffers,Idesiredhimtoletmesendittoyouforyourperusal.Bepleasedtoreturnitbythefirstopportunity.Youwillseebyit,thathisfriendsintownhaveanotionthatweareactuallymarried.
TOROBERTLOVELACE,ESQ.TUESDAYNIGHT,APRIL18.
DEARSIR,
Iamextremelyrejoicedtohear,thatweshallsosoonhaveyouintown
aftersolonganabsence.Youwillbethemorewelcomestill,ifwhatreportsays,betrue;whichis,thatyouareactuallymarriedtothefairladyuponwhomwehaveheardyoumakesuchencomiums.Mrs.Doleman,andmysister,bothwishyoujoyifyouare;andjoyuponyournearprospectifyouarenot.
Ihavebeenintownforthisweekpast,togethelpifIcould,frommyparalyticcomplaints;andaminacourseforthem.Which,nevertheless,didnotpreventmefrommakingthedesiredinquiries.Thisistheresult.
Youmayhaveafirstfloor,wellfurnished,atamercer'sinBelford-street,Covent-garden,withconvenienciesforservants:and
theseeitherbythequarterormonth.Thetermsaccordingtotheconveniencesrequired.
Mrs.DolemanhasseenlodgingsinNorfolk-streetandothersinCecil-street;butthoughtheprospectstotheThamesandSurrey-hillslookinvitingfromboththesestreets,yetIsupposetheyaretoonearthecity.
TheownerofthoseinNorfolk-streetwouldhavehalfthehousegotogether.Itwouldbetoomuchforyourdescriptiontherefore:andIsuppose,tatwhenyouthinkfittodeclareyourmarriage,youwillhardlybeinlodgings.
ThoseinCecil-streetareneatandconvenient.Theownerisawidowofagoodcharacter;andsheinsists,thatyoutakethemforatwelvemonthcertain.
YoumayhavegoodaccommodationsinDover-street,atawidow's,therelictofanofficerintheguards,whodyingsoonafterhehadpurchasedhiscommission(towhichhehadagoodtitlebyservice,andwhichcosthimmostpartofwhathehad)shewasobligedtoletlodgings.
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Thismaypossiblybeanobjection.Butsheisverycareful,shesays,thatshetakesnolodgers,butoffigureandreputation.Sherentstwogoodhouses,distantfromeachother,onlyjoinedbyalargehandsomepassage.Theinner-houseisthegenteelest,andveryelegantlyfurnished;butyoumayhavetheuseofaveryhandsomeparlourintheouter-house,ifyouchoosetolookintothestreet.
Alittlegardenbelongstotheinner-house,inwhichtheoldgentlewomanhasdisplayedatruefemalefancy;havingcrammeditwithvases,flower-pots,andfigures,withoutnumber.
Astheselodgingsseemedtomethemostlikelytopleaseyou,Iwasmoreparticularinmyinquiriesaboutthem.Theapartmentsshehastoletareintheinner-house:theyareadining-room,twoneatparlours,awithdrawing-room,twoorthreehandsomebedchambers,onewithaprettylightclosetinit,whichlooksintothelittlegarden,allfurnishedintaste.
Adignifiedclergyman,hiswife,andmaidendaughterwerethelastwholivedinthem.Theyhavebutlatelyquittedthem,onhisbeingpresentedtoaconsiderablechurchprefermentinIreland.Thegentlewomansaysthathetookthelodgingsbutforthreemonthscertain;butlikedthemandherusagesowell,thathecontinuedinthemtwoyears;andleftthemwithregret,thoughonsogoodanaccount.Shebragged,thatthis
wasthewayofallthelodgerssheeverhad,whostaidwithherfourtimesaslongastheyatfirstintended.
Ihadsomeknowledgeofthecolonel,whowasalwayslookeduponasamanofhonour.HisrelictIneversawbefore.Ithinkshehasamasculineair,andisalittleforbiddingatfirst:butwhenIsawherbehaviourtotwoagreeablegentlewomen,herhusband'snieces,whom,forthatreason,shecallsdoublyhers,andheardtheirpraisesofher,Icouldimputerherverybulktogoodhumour;sinceweseldomseeyoursourpeevishpeopleplump.Shelivesreputably,andis,asIfind,aforehandintheworld.
Ifthese,oranyotherofthelodgingsIhavementioned,benot
altogethertoyourlady'smind,shemaycontinueinthemthelesswhile,andchooseothersforherself.
Thewidowconsentsthatyoushalltakethemforamonthonly,andwhatofthemyouplease.Theterms,shesays,shewillnotfalloutupon,whensheknowswhatyourladyexpects,andwhatherservantsaretodo,oryourswillundertake;forsheobservedthatservantsaregenerallyworsetodealwiththantheirmastersormistresses.
Theladymayboardornotasshepleases.
Aswesupposeyouweremarried,butthatyouhavereason,fromfamily-differences,tokeepitprivateforthepresent,Ithoughtitnot
amisstohintasmuchtothewidow(butasuncertainty,however);andaskedher,ifshecould,inthatcase,accommodateyouandyourservants,aswellastheladyandhers?Shesaid,shecould;andwished,byallmeans,itweretobeso:sincethecircumstanceofaperson'sbeingsingle,itnotaswellrecommendedasthislady,wasoneoftheusualexceptions.
Ifnoneoftheselodgingsplease,youneednotdoubtveryhandsomeonesinornearHanover-square,Soho-square,Golden-square,orinsomeofthenewstreetsaboutGrosvenor-square.AndMrs.Doleman,hersister,
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andmyself,mostcordiallyjointooffertoyourgoodladythebestaccommodationswecanmakeforheratUxbridge(andalsoforyou,ifyouarethehappymanwewishyoutobe),tillshefitsherselfmoretohermind.
Letmeadd,thatthelodgingsatthemercer's,thoseinCecil-street,thoseatthewidow'sinDover-street,anyofthem,maybeentereduponataday'swarning.
Iam,mydearSir,Yoursincereandaffectionatefriendandservant,THO.DOLEMAN.
Youwilleasilyguess,mydear,whenyouhavereadtheletter,whichlodgingsImadechoiceof.Butfirsttotryhim,(asinsomaterialapointIthoughtIcouldnotbetoocircumspect,)IseemedtopreferthoseinNorfolk-street,fortheveryreasonthewritergiveswhyhethoughtIwouldnot;thatistosay,foritsneighbourhoodtoacitysowellgovernedasLondonissaidtobe.NorshouldIhavedislikedalodgingintheheartofit,havingheardbutindifferentaccountsofthelibertiessometimestakenattheotherendofthetown.--ThenseemingtoinclinetothelodgingsinCecil-street--Thentothemercer's.Buthemadenovisiblepreference;andwhenIaskedhisopinionofthewidowgentlewoman's,hesaidhethoughtthosethemosttomytasteand
convenience:butashehopedthatIwouldthinklodgingsnecessarybutforaverylittlewhile,heknewnotwhichtogivehisvotefor.
Ithenfixeduponthewidow's;andhehaswrittenaccordinglytoMr.Doleman,makingmycomplimentstohisladyandsister,fortheirkindoffer.
Iamtohavethedining-room,thebed-chamberwiththelight-closet,(ofwhich,ifIstayanytimeatthewidow's,Ishallmakegreatuse,)andaservant'sroom;andweproposetosetoutonSaturdaymorning.Asforamaidservant,poorHannah'sillnessisagreatdisappointmenttome:but,asheobserves,Icanmakethewidowsatisfactionforoneofhers,tillIcangetaservanttomymind.AndyouknowIwantnotmuch
attendance.
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Mr.Lovelacehasjustnow,ofhisownaccord,givenmefiveguineasforpoorHannah.Isendtheminclosed.Besogoodastocausethemtobeconveyedtoher,andtoletherknowfromwhomtheycame.
Hehasobligedmemuchbythislittlemarkofhisconsiderateness.IndeedIhavethebetteropinionofhimeversinceheproposedherreturntome.
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Ihavejustnowanotherinstanceofhisconsiderateness.Hecametome,andsaidthat,onsecondthoughts,hecouldnotbearthatIshouldgouptotownwithoutsomeattendant,wereitbutforthelookofthethingtotheLondonwidowandhernieces,who,accordingtohisfriend'saccount,livedsogenteelly;andespeciallyasIrequiredhimtoleavemesosoon
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afterIarrivedthere,andsowouldbeleftaloneamongstrangers.HethereforesoughtthatImightengageMrs.Sorlingstolendmeoneofhertwomaids,orletoneofherdaughtersgoupwithme,andstaytillIwereprovided.Andifthelatter,theyounggentlewoman,nodoubt,wouldbegladofsogoodanopportunitytoseethecuriositiesofthetown,andwouldbeaproperattendantonthesameoccasions.
ItoldhimasIhaddonebefore,thatthetwoyounggentlewomenweresoequallyusefulintheirway,andservantsinabusyfarmweresolittletobespared,thatIshouldbelothtotakethemofftheirlaudableemployments.NorshouldIthinkmuchofdiversionsforonewhile;andsothelesswantanattendantoutofdoors.
Andnow,mydear,lestanythingshouldhappen,insovariable,(whichatpresentaremorepromisingthaneveryettheyhavebeensinceIquittedHarlowe-place,)Iwillsnatchtheopportunitytosubscribemyself
Yournotunhopingandever-obligedfriendandservant,CL.HARLOWE.
LETTERXXXIX
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.THURSDAY,APRIL20.
HebeginswithcommunicatingtohimtheletterhewrotetoMr.Doleman,toprocuresuitablelodgingsintown,andwhichhesentawaybytheLady'sapprobation:andthengiveshimacopyoftheanswertoit(seep.218):uponwhichhethusexpresseshimself:
Thouknowestthewidow;thouknowesthernieces;thouknowestthelodgings:anddidstthoueverreadalettermoreartfullycouchedthanthisofTomDoleman?Everypossibleobjectionanticipated!Every
accidentprovidedagainst!Everytittleofitplot-proof!
Whocouldforbearsmiling,toseemycharmer,likeafarcicaldeanandchapter,choosewhatwasbeforechosenforher;andsagaciously(astheygoinformtoprayers,thatHeavenwoulddirecttheirchoice)ponderinguponthedifferentproposals,asifshewouldmakemebelieveshehadamindforsomeother?Thedearslyroguelookinguponme,too,withaviewtodiscoversomeemotioninme.EmotionsIhad;butIcantellherthattheylaydeeperthanhereyecouldreach,thoughithadbeenasun-beam.
Noconfidenceinme,fairone!Noneatall,'tisplain.Thouwiltnot,ifIwereinclinedtochangemyviews,encouragemebyagenerous
relianceonmyhonour!--AndshallitbesaidthatI,amasterofartsinlove,shallbeovermatchedbysounpractisedanovice?
Buttoseethecharmersofarsatisfiedwithmycontrivanceastoborrowmyfriend'sletter,inordertosatisfyMissHowelikewise--!
Sillylittlerogues!towalkoutintobye-pathsonthestrengthoftheirownjudgment!--Whennothingbutexperiencecanenablethemtodisappointus,andteachthemgrandmother-wisdom!Whentheyhaveitindeed,thenmaytheysitdown,likesomanyCassandras,andpreachcautionto
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others;whowillaslittlemindthemastheydidtheirinstructresses,wheneverafinehandsomeconfidantyoungfellow,suchaoneasthouknowestwho,comesacrossthem.
But,Belford,didstthounotmindthatslyrogueDoleman'snamingDover-streetforthewidow'splaceofabode?--Whatdostthouthinkcouldbemeantbythat?--'Tisimpossiblethoushouldstguess,so,nottopuzzletheeaboutit,supposetheWidowSinclair'sinDover-streetshouldbeinquiredafterbysomeofficiousperson,inordertocomeatcharacters[MissHoweisasslyasthedevil,andasbusytothefull,]andneithersuchaname,norsuchahouse,canbefoundinthatstreet,norahousetoanswerthedescription;thenwillnotthekeenesthunterinEnglandbeatafault?
Buthowwiltthoudo,methinksthouaskest,tohindertheladyfromresentingthefallacy,andmistrustingtheethemoreonthataccount,whenshefindsitouttobeinanotherstreet?
Pho!nevermindthat:eitherIshallhaveawayforit,orweshallthoroughlyunderstandoneanotherbythattime;orifwedon't,she'llknowenoughofme,nottowonderatsuchapeccadilla.
Buthowwiltthouhindertheladyfromapprizingherfriendoftherealname?
Shemustfirstknowitherself,monkey,mustshenot?
Well,buthowwiltthoudotohinderherfromknowingthestreet,andherfriendfromdirectinglettersthither,whichwillbethesamethingasifthenamewereknown?
Letmealoneforthattoo.
Ifthoufurtherobjectest,thatTomDoleman,istoogreataduncetowritesuchaletterinanswertomine:--Canstthounotimaginethat,inordertosavehonestTomallthistrouble,Iwhoknowthetownsowell,couldsendhimacopyofwhatheshouldwrite,andleavehimnothingto
dobuttranscribe?
Whatnowsayestthoutome,Belford?
AndsupposeIhaddesignedthistaskofinquiryforthee;andsupposetheladyexceptedagainsttheefornootherreasonintheworld,butbecauseofmyvalueforthee?Whatsayestthoutothelady,Jack?
Thisitistohaveleisureuponmyhands!--Whatamatchlessplotterthyfriend!--Standby,andletmeswell!--Iamalreadyasbigasanelephant,andtentimeswiser!--Mightiertoobyfar!HaveInotreasontosnuffthemoonwithmyproboscis?--Lordhelptheeforapoor,foraverypoorcreature!--WondernotthatIdespisetheeheartily;sincethe
manwhoisdisposedimmoderatelytoexalthimself,cannotdoitbutbydespisingeverybodyelseinproportion.
IshallmakegooduseoftheDolemanichintofbeingmarried.ButIwillnottelltheeallatonce.Nor,indeed,haveIthoroughlydigestedthatpartofmyplot.Whenageneralmustregulatehimselfbythemotionsofawatchfuladversary,howcanhesaybeforehandwhathewill,orwhathewillnot,do?
WidowSINCLAIR,didstthounotsay,Lovelace?--
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Ay,SINCLAIR,Jack!--Rememberthename!SINCLAIR,Irepeat.Shehasnoother.Andherfeaturesbeingbroadandfull-blown,IwillsupposehertobeofHighlandextraction;asherhusbandthecolonel[mindthattoo]wasaScot,asbrave,ashonest.
Ineverforgettheminutiaeinmycontrivances.Inallmattersthatadmitofdoubt,theminutiae,closelyattendedtoandprovidedfor,areofmoreservicethanathousandoaths,vows,andprotestationsmadetosupplytheneglectofthem,especiallywhenjealousyhasmadeitswayintheworkingmind.
Thouwouldstwonderifthouknewestonehalfofmyprovidences.Togivetheebutone--Ihavealreadybeensogoodastosendupalistofbookstobeprocuredforthelady'scloset,mostlyatsecondhand.Andthouknowestthatthewomenthereareallwellread.ButIwillnotanticipate--Besides,itlooksasifIwereafraidofleavinganythingtomyoldfriendCHANCE;whichhasmanyatimebeenanexcellentsecondtome,andoughtnotbeaffrontedordespised;especiallybyonewhohastheartofmakingunpromisingincidentsturnoutinhisfavour.
LETTERXL
MISSHOWE,TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWEWEDNESDAY,APRIL19.
Ihaveapieceofintelligencetogiveyou,whichconcernsyoumuchtoknow.
Yourbrotherhavingbeenassuredthatyouarenotmarried,hastakenaresolutiontofindyouout,waylayyou,andcarryyouoff.Afriendofhis,acaptainofaship,undertakestogetyouonship-board,andtosailawaywithyou,eithertoHullorLeith,inthewaytooneofyourbrother'shouses.
Theyareverywicked:forinspiteofyourvirtuetheyconcludeyoutoberuined.Butiftheycanbeassuredwhentheyhaveyouthatyouarenot,theywillsecureyoutilltheycanbringyououtMrs.Solmes.Meantime,inordertogiveMr.Lovelacefullemployment,theytalkofaprosecutionwhichwillbesetupagainsthim,forsomecrimetheyhavegotanotionof,whichtheythink,ifitdonotcosthimhislife,willmakehimflyhiscountry.
Thisisveryearlynews.MissBelltolditinconfidence,andwithmightytriumphoverLovelace,toMissLloyd,whoisatpresentherfavourite,thoughasmuchyouadmirerasever.MissLloyd,beingveryapprehensiveofthemischiefwhichmightfollowsuchanattempt,told
ittome,withleavetoapprizeyouprivatelyofit--andyetneithershenorIwouldbesorry,perhaps,ifLovelaceweretobefairlyhanged--thatistosay,ifyou,mydear,hadnoobjectiontoit.Butwecannotbearthatsuchanadmirablecreatureshouldbemadethetennis-balloftwoviolentspirits--muchlessthatyoushouldbeseized,andexposedtothebrutaltreatmentofwretcheswhohavenobowels.
IfyoucanengageMr.Lovelacetokeephistemperuponit,Ithinkyoushouldacquainthimwithit,butnottomentionMissLloyd.Perhapshiswickedagentmaycomeattheintelligence,andrevealittohim.But
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leaveittoyourowndiscretionstodoasyouthinkfitinit.Allmyconcernis,thatthisdaringandfoolishproject,ifcarriedon,willbeameanofthrowingyoumoreintohispowerthanever.Butasitwillconvinceyouthattherecanbenohopeofareconciliation,Iwishyouwereactuallymarried,letthecauseforprosecutionhintedatbewhatitwill,shortofmurderorarape.
YourHannahwasverythankfulforyourkindpresent.Sheheapedathousandblessingsuponyouforit.ShehasMr.Lovelace'stoobythistime.
IampleasedwithMr.Hickman,Icantellyou:--forhehassenthertwoguineasbythepersonwhocarriesMr.Lovelace'sfive,asfromanunknownhand:noramI,oryou,toknowit.Buthedoesagreatmanythingsofthissort,andisassilentasthenightinhischarities;fornobodyknowsofthemtillthegratitudeofthebenefitedwillnotletthembeconcealed.Heisnowandthenmyalmoner,and,Ibelieve,alwaysaddstomylittlebenefactions.
Buthistimeisnotcometobepraisedtohisfaceforthesethings;nordoesheseemtowantthatencouragement.
Themancertainlyhasagoodmind.Norcanweexpectinonemaneverygoodquality.Butheisreallyasillyfellow,mydear,totroublehis
headaboutme,whenheseeshowmuchIdespisehiswholesex;andmustofcoursemakeacommonmanlooklikeafool,werehenottomakehimselflooklikeone,bywishingtopitchhistentsooddly.Ourlikingsanddislikings,asIhaveoftenthought,areseldomgovernedbyprudence,orwithaviewtohappiness.Theeye,mydear,thewickedeye,hassuchastrictalliancewiththeheart--andbothhavesuchenmitytothejudgment!--Whatanunequalunion,themindandbody!Allthesenses,likethefamilyatHarlowe-place,inaconfederacyagainstthatwhichwouldanimate,andgivehonourtothewhole,wereitalloweditsproperprecedence.
Permitme,Ibeseechyou,beforeyougotoLondontosendyouforty-eightguineas.Imentionthatsumtoobligeyou,because,by
acceptingbackthetwotoHannah,Iwillholdyouindebtedtomefifty.--Surelythiswillinduceyou!YouknowthatIcannotwantthemoney.ItoldyouthatIhadneardoublethatsum,andthatthehalfofitismorethanmymotherknowsIammistressof.Youareafraidthatmymotherwillquestionmeonthissubject;andthenyouthinkImustownthetruth.ButlittleasIloveequivocation,andlittleasyouwouldallowofitinyourAnnaHowe,itishardifIcannot(wereItobeputtoiteversoclosely)findsomethingtosaythatwouldbringmeoff,asyouhave,whatcanyoudoatsuchaplaceasLondon?--Youdon'tknowwhatoccasionyoumayhaveformessengers,intelligence,andsuchlike.Ifyoudon'tobligeme,Ishallnotthinkyourstomachsomuchdownasyousayitis,andas,inthisoneparticular,Ithinkitoughttobe.
Astothestateofthingsbetweenmymotherandme,youknowenoughofhertemper,nottoneedtobetoldthatsheneverespousesorresentswithindifference.YetwillshenotrememberthatIamherdaughter.No,truly,Iamallmypapa'sgirl.
Shewasverysensible,surely,oftheviolenceofmypoorfather'stemper,thatshecansolongrememberthat,whenactsoftendernessandaffectionseemquiteforgotten.Somedaughterswouldbetemptedtothinkthatcontroulsatveryheavyuponamother,whocanendeavourtoexertthepowershehasoverachild,andregret,foryearsafterdeath,that
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shehadnotthesameoverahusband.
Ifthismannerofexpressionbecomesnotmeofmymother,thefaultwillbesomewhatextenuatedbytheloveIalwaysboretomyfather,andbythereverenceIshalleverpaytohismemory:forhewasafondfather,andperhapswouldhavebeenastenderahusband,hadnotmymotherandhebeentoomuchofatempertoagree.
Themisfortunewas,inshort,thatwhenonewasoutofhumour,theotherwouldbesotoo:yetneitheroftheirtemperscomparativelybad.Notwithstandingallwhich,Ididnotimagine,girlasIwasinmyfather'slife-time,thatmymother'spartoftheyokesatsoheavyuponherneckasshegivesmeroomtothinkitdid,wheneversheispleasedtodisclaimherpartofme.
Bothparents,asIhaveoftenthought,shouldbeverycareful,iftheywouldsecuretothemselvestheundividedloveoftheirchildren,that,ofallthings,theyshouldavoidsuchdurablecontentionswitheachother,asshoulddistresstheirchildreninchoosingtheirparty,whentheywouldbegladtoreverencebothastheyought.
Buthereisthething:thereisnotabettermanagerofaffairsinthesexthanmymother;andIbelieveanotablewifeismoreimpatientofcontroulthananindolentone.Anindolentone,perhaps,thinksshe
hassomethingtocompoundfor;whilewomenoftheothercharacter,Isuppose,knowtoowelltheirownsignificancetothinkhighlyofthatofanybodyelse.Allmustbetheirownway.Inoneword,becausetheyareuseful,theywillbemorethanuseful.
Idoassureyou,mydear,wereIman,andamanwholovedmyquiet,Iwouldnothaveoneofthesemanagingwivesonanyconsideration.Iwouldmakeitamatterofseriousinquirybeforehand,whethermymistress'squalifications,ifIheardshewasnotable,weremasculineorfeminineones.IfindeedIwereanindolentsupinemortal,whomightbeindangerofperhapschoosingtomarryforthequalificationsofasteward.
But,settingmymotheroutofthequestion,becausesheismymother,
haveInotseenhowLadyHartleypranksupherselfaboveallhersex,becausesheknowshowtomanageaffairsthatdonotbelongtohersextomanage?--Affairsthatdonocredittoherasawomantounderstand;practically,Imean;forthetheoryofthemmaynotbeamisstobeknown.
Indeed,mydear,Idonotthinkaman-womanaprettycharacteratall:and,asIsaid,wereIaman,Iwouldsoonerchooseadove,thoughitwerefitfornothingbut,astheplaysays,togotameabouthouse,andbreed,thanawifethatissettingatwork(myinsignificantselfpresentperhaps)everybusyourmynever-restingservants,thoseofthestudnotexcepted;andwho,withabesominherhand,asImaysay,wouldbecontinuallyfillingmywithapprehensionsthatshewantedto
sweepmeoutofmyownhouseasuselesslumber.
Wereindeedthemistressofafamily(likethewonderfulyoungladyIsomuchandsojustlyadmire)toknowhowtoconfineherselfwithinherownrespectableroundsoftheneedle,thepen,thehousekeeper'sbills,thedairyforheramusement;toseethepoorfedfromsuperfluitiesthatwouldotherwisebewasted,andexertherselfinallthereally-usefulbranchesofdomesticmanagement;thenwouldshemoveinherpropersphere;thenwouldsherenderherselfamiablyuseful,andrespectablynecessary;thenwouldshebecomethemistress-wheelofthefamily,
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[whateveryouthinkofyourAnnaHowe,Iwouldnothaveherbethemaster-wheel,]andeverybodywouldloveher;aseverybodydidyou,beforeyourinsolentbrothercameback,flushedwithhisunmeritedacquirements,andturnedallthingstopsy-turvy.
Ifyouwillbeinformedoftheparticularsofourcontention,afteryouhaveknowningeneralthatyourunhappyaffairwasthesubject,whythen,IthinkImusttellyou.
YethowshallI?==Ifeelmycheekglowwithmingledshameandindignation.--Knowthen,mydear,--thatIhavebeen--asImaysay--thatIhavebeenbeaten--indeed'tistrue.Mymotherthoughtfittoslapmyhandstogetfrommeasheetofalettershecaughtmewritingtoyou;whichItore,becausesheshouldnotreadit,andburntitbeforeherface.
Iknowthiswilltroubleyou:sospareyourselfthepainstotellmeitdoes.
Mr.Hickmancameinpresentlyafter.Iwouldnotseehim.Iameithertoomuchawomantobebeat,ortoomuchachildtohaveanhumbleservant--soItoldmymother.Whatcanoneopposebutsullens,whenitwouldbeunpardonablesomuchastothinkofliftingupafinger?
IntheHarlowestyle,Shewillbeobeyed,shesays:andevenMr.Hickmanshallbeforbidthehouse,ifhecontributestothecarryingonofacorrespondencewhichshewillnotsuffertobecontinued.
Poorman!Hestandsawhimsicalchancebetweenus.Butheknowsheissureofmymother;butnotofme.'Tiseasythenforhimtochoosehisparty,wereitnothisinclinationtoserveyou,asitsurelyis.Andthismakeshimameritwithme,whichotherwisehewouldnothavehad;notwithstandingthegoodqualitieswhichIhavejustnowacknowledgedinhisfavour.For,mydear,letmyfaultsinotherrespectsbewhattheymay,Iwillpretendtosay,thatIhaveinmyownmindthosequalitieswhichIpraisedhimfor.Andifwearetocometogether,Icouldforthatreasonbetterdispensewiththeminhim.--Soifahusband,whohas
abountiful-temperedwife,isnotaniggard,norseekstorestrainher,buthasanopinionofallshedoes,thatisenoughforhim:as,onthecontrary,ifabountiful-temperedhusbandhasafrugalwife,itisbestforboth.Foronetogive,andtheothertogive,excepttheyhaveprudence,andareatsogoodanunderstandingwitheachotherastocomparenotes,theymayperhapsputitoutoftheirpowertobejust.Goodfrugaldoctrine,mydear!ButthiswayofputtingitismiddlingthematterbetweenwhatIhavelearntofmymother'sover-prudentandyourenlargednotions.--Butfromdoctrinetofact--
Ishutmyselfupallthatday;andwhatlittleIdideat,eatalone.ButatnightshesentupKittywithacommand,uponmyobedience,toattendheratsupper.
Iwentdown;butmostgloriouslyinthesullens.YES,andNO,weregreatwordswithme,toeverythingsheasked,foragoodwhile.
Thatbehaviour,shetoldme,shouldnotdoforher.
Beatingshouldnotdoforme,Isaid.
Myboldresistance,shetoldme,hadprovokedhertoslapmyhand;andshewassorrytohavebeensoprovoked.ButagaininsistedthatIwould
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eithergiveupmycorrespondenceabsolutely,orletherseeallthatpassedinit.
Imustnotdoeither,Itoldher.Itwasunsuitablebothtomyinclinationandtomyhonour,attheinstigationofbasemindstogiveupafriendindistress.
Sherungallthematernalchangesuponthewordsduty,obedience,filialobligation,andsoforth.
Itoldherthatadutytoorigorouslyandunreasonablyexactedhadbeenyourruin,ifyouwereruined.
IfIwereofagetobemarried,Ihopeshewouldthinkmecapableofmaking,oratleastofkeeping,myownfriendships;suchaoneespeciallyasthis,withawomantoo,andonewhosefriendshipsheherself,tillthisdistressfulpointoftime,hadthoughtthemostusefulandedifyingthatIhadevercontracted.
Thegreaterthemerit,theworsetheaction:thefinerthetalents,themoredangeroustheexample.
Therewereotherduties,Isaid,besidesthefilialone;andIhopedIneednotgiveupasufferingfriend,especiallyattheinstigationof
thosebywhomshesuffered.Itoldher,thatitwasveryhardtoannexsuchaconditionasthattomyduty;whenIwaspersuaded,thatbothdutiesmightbeperformed,withoutderogatingfromeither:thatanunreasonablecommand(shemustexcuseme,Imustsayit,thoughIwereslappedagain)wasadegreeoftyranny:andIcouldnothaveexpected,thatattheseyearsIshouldbeallowednowwill,nochoiceofmyown!whereawomanonlywasconcerned,andthedevilishsexnotinthequestion.
Whatturnedmostinfavourofherargumentwas,thatIdesiredtobeexcusedfromlettingherreadallthatpassesbetweenus.Sheinsistedmuchuponthis:andsince,shesaid,youwereinthehandsofthemostintriguingmanintheworld,andamanwhohadmadeajestof
herfavouriteHickman,asshehadbeentold,sheknowsnotwhatconsequences,unthoughtofbyyourorme,mayflowfromsuchacorrespondence.
Soyousee,mydear,thatIfaretheworseonMr.Hickman'saccount!Mymothermightseeallthatpassesbetweenus,didInotknow,thatitwouldcrampyourspirit,andrestrainthefreedomofyourpen,asitwouldalsothefreedomofmine:andwereshenotmoreoversofirmlyattachedtothecontraryside,thatinferences,consequences,straineddeductions,censures,andconstructionsthemostpartial,wouldforevertobehaledintoteaseme,andwouldperpetuallysubjectustothenecessityofdebatingandcanvassing.
Besides,Idon'tchoosethatsheshouldknowhowmuchthisartfulwretchhasoutwitted,asImaycallit,apersonsomuchhissuperiorinallthenoblerqualitiesofthehumanmind.
Thegenerosityofyourheart,andthegreatnessofyoursoul,fullwellIknow;butdooffertodissuademefromthiscorrespondence.
Mr.Hickman,immediatelyonthecontentionabove,offeredhisservice;andIacceptedofit,asyouwillseebymylast.Hethinks,thoughhehasallhonourformymother,thatsheisunkindtousboth.Hewas
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pleasedtotellme(withanair,asIthought)thathenotonlyapprovedofourcorrespondence,butadmiredthesteadinessofmyfriendship;andhavingnoopinionofyourman,butagreatoneofme,thinksthatmyadviceorintelligencefromtimetotimemaybeofusetoyou;andonthispresumptionsaid,thatitwouldbeathousandpitiesthatyoushouldsufferforwantofeither.
Mr.Hickmanpleasedmeinthemainofhisspeech;anditiswellthegeneraltenorofitwasagreeable;otherwiseIcantellhim,Ishouldhavereckonedwithhimforhiswordapprove;foritisastyleIhavenotyetpermittedhimtotalktomein.Andyousee,mydear,whatthesemenare--nosoonerdotheyfindthatyouhavefavouredthemwiththepowerofdoingyouanagreeableservice,buttheytakeuponthemtoapprove,forsooth,ofyouractions!Bywhichisimpliedarighttodisapprove,iftheythinkfit.
Ihavetoldmymotherhowmuchyouwishtobereconciledtoyourrelations,andhowindependentyouareuponLovelace.
Marktheendofthelatterassertion,shesays.Andastoreconciliation,sheknowsthatnothingwilldo,(andwillhaveit,thatnothingoughttodo,)butyourreturningback,withoutpresumingtoconditionwiththem.Andthisifyoudo,shesays,willbestshowyourindependenceonLovelace.
Yousee,mydear,whatyourdutyis,inmymother'sopinion.
Isupposeyournext,directedtoMr.Hickman,athisownhouse,willbefromLondon.
Heavenpreserveyouinhonourandsafety,ismyprayer.
Whatyoudoforchangeofclothes,Icannotimagine.
Itisamazingtomewhatyourrelationscanmeanbydistressingyou,astheyseemresolvedtodo.Iseetheywillthrowyouintohisarms,whetheryouwillornot.
IsendthisbyRobert,fordispatch-sake:andcanonlyrepeatthehitherto-rejectedofferofmybestservices.Adieu,mydearestfriend.Believemeever
YouraffectionateandfaithfulANNAHOWE.
LETTERXLI
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWETUESDAY,APRIL20.
Ishouldthinkmyselfutterlyunworthyofyourfriendshipdidnotmyownconcerns,heavyastheyare,soengrossme,thatIcouldnotfindleisureforafewlinestodeclaretomybelovedfriendmysinceredisapprobationofherconduct,inaninstancewheresheissogenerouslyfaulty,thattheconsciousnessofthatverygenerositymayhidefromherthefault,whichI,morethananyother,havereasontodeplore,asbeingtheunhappyoccasionofit.
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Youknow,yousay,thatyouraccountofthecontentionsbetweenyourmotherandyouwilltroubleme;andsoyoubidmesparemyselfthepainstotellyouthattheydo.
Youdidnotuse,mydear,toforbidmethusbeforehand.Youwerewonttosay,youlovedmethebetterformyexpostulationswithyouonthatacknowledgedwarmthandquicknessofyourtemperwhichyourowngoodsensetaughtyoutobeapprehensiveof.WhatthoughIhavesomiserablyfallen,andamunhappy,ifeverIhadanyjudgmentworthregarding,itisnowasmuchworthasever,becauseIcangiveitasfreelyagainstmyselfasagainstanybodyelse.AndshallInot,whenthereseemstobeaninfectioninmyfault,andthatitleadsyoulikewisetoresolvetocarryonacorrespondenceagainstprohibition,expostulatewithyouuponit;whenwhateverconsequencesflowfromyourdisobedience,theybutwidenmyerror,whichisastheevilroot,fromwhichsuchsadbranchesspring?
Themindthatcangloryinbeingcapableofsonoble,sofirm,sounshakenfriendship,asthatofmydearMissHowe;afriendshipwhichnocasualtyordistresscanlessen,butwhichincreaseswiththemisfortunesofitsfriend--suchamindmustbeabovetakingamissthewell-meantadmonitionsofthatdistinguishedfriend.Iwillnotthereforeapologizeformyfreedomonthissubject:andthelessneedI,whenthatfreedomistheresultofanaffection,intheveryinstance,
soabsolutelydisinterested,thatittendstodeprivemyselfoftheonlycomfortleftme.
Youracknowledgedsullens;yourtearingfromyourmother'shandsthelettershethoughtshehadarighttosee,andburningit,asyouown,beforeherface;yourrefusaltoseetheman,whoissowillingtoobeyyouforthesakeofyourunhappyfriend,andthispurelytovexyourmother;canyouthink,mydear,uponthisbriefrecapitulationofhardlyonehalfofthefaultyparticularsyougive,thatthesefaultsareexcusableinonewhosowellknowsherduty?
Yourmotherhadagoodopinionofmeonce:isnotthatareasonwhysheshouldbemoreregardednow,whenIhave,asshebelieves,sodeservedly
forfeitedit?Aprejudiceinfavourisashardtobetotallyovercomeasaprejudiceindisfavour.Inwhatastronglight,then,mustthaterrorappeartoher,thatshouldsototallyturnherheartagainstme,herselfnotaprincipalinthecase?
Thereareotherduties,yousay,besidesthefilialduty:butthat,mydear,mustbeadutypriortoallotherduties;adutyanterior,asImaysay,toyouverybirth:andwhatdutyoughtnottogivewaytothat,whentheycomeincompetition?
Youarepersuaded,thatthedutytoyourfriend,andthefilialduty,maybeperformedwithoutderogatingfromeither.Yourmotherthinksotherwise.Whatistheconclusiontobedrawnfromthesepremises?
Whenyourmothersees,howmuchIsufferinmyreputationfromthestepIhavetaken,fromwhomsheandalltheworldexpectedbetterthings,howmuchreasonhasshetobewatchfuloveryou!Oneevildrawsonanotherafterit;andhowknowsshe,oranybody,whereitmaystop?
Doesnotthepersonwhowillvindicate,orseektoextenuate,afaultystepinanother[inthislightmustyourmotherlookuponthematterinquestionbetweenherandyou]giveanindicationeitherofaculpablewill,oraweakjudgment;andmaynotsheapprehend,thatthecensorious
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willthink,thatsuchaonemightprobablyhaveequallyfailedunderthesameinducementsandprovocations,touseyourownwords,asappliedtomeinaformerletter?
Cantherebeastrongerinstanceinhumanliethanminehassoearlyfurnished,withinafewmonthspast,(nottomentiontheuncommonprovocationstoit,whichIhavemetwith,)ofthenecessityofthecontinuanceofawatchfulparent'scareoveradaughter:letthatdaughterhaveobtainedeversogreatareputationforherprudence?
Isnotthespacefromsixteentotwenty-onethatwhichrequiresthiscare,morethanatanytimeofayoungwoman'slife?Forinthatperioddowenotgenerallyattracttheeyesoftheothersex,andbecomethesubjectoftheiraddresses,andnotseldomoftheirattempts?Andisnotthattheperiodinwhichourconductormisconductgivesusareputationordisreputation,thatalmostinseparablyaccompaniesusthroughoutourwholefuturelives?
Arewenotlikewisethenmostindangerfromourselves,becauseofthedistinctionwithwhichweareapttobeholdparticularsofthatsex.
Andwhenourdangersmultiply,bothfromwithinandwithout,donotourparentsknow,thattheirvigilanceoughttobedoubled?Andshallthatnecessaryincreaseofcaresituneasyuponus,becausewearegrownup
tostatureandwomanhood?
Willyoutellme,ifso,whatistheprecisestatureandageatwhichagoodchildshallconcludeherselfabsolvedfromthedutysheowestoaparent?--Andatwhichaparent,aftertheexampleofthedamsofthebrutecreation,istolayasideallcareandtendernessforheroffspring?
Isitsohardforyou,mydear,tobetreatedlikeachild?Andcanyounotthinkitishardforagoodparenttoimagineherselfundertheunhappynecessityofsotreatingherwoman-growndaughter?
Doyouthink,ifyourmotherhadbeenyou,andyouyourmother,andyour
daughterhadstruggledwithyou,asyoudidwithher,thatyouwouldnothavebeenasaptasyourmotherwastohaveslappedyourdaughter'shands,tohavemadeherquitherhold,andgiveuptheprohibitedletter?
Yourmothertoldyou,withgreattruth,thatyouprovokedhertothisharshness;anditwasagreatcondescensioninher(andnottakennoticeofbyyouasitdeserved)tosaythatshewassorryforit.
Ateveryageonthissidematrimony(forthenwecomeunderanothersortofprotection,thoughthatisfarfromabrogatingthefilialduty)itwillbefound,thatthewingsofourparentsareourmostnecessaryandmosteffectualsafeguardfromthevultures,thehawks,thekites,and
othervillainousbirdsofprey,thathoveroveruswithaviewtoseizeanddestroyisthefirsttimewearecaughtwanderingoutoftheeyeorcareofourwatchfulandnaturalguardiansandprotectors.
Hardasyoumaysupposeit,tobedeniedtocontinuanceofacorrespondenceoncesomuchapproved,evenbythevenerabledenier;yet,ifyourmotherthinkmyfaulttobeofsuchanature,asthatacorrespondencewithmewillcastashadeuponyourreputation,allmyownfriendshavinggivenmeup--thathardshipistobesubmittedto.Andmustitnotmakeherthemorestrenuoustosupportherownopinion,when
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sheseesthefirstfruitsofthistenaciousnessonyoursideistobegloriouslyinthesullens,asyoucallit,andinadisobedientopposition?
Iknowthatyouhaveahumourousmeaninginthatexpression,andthatthisturn,inmostcases,givesadelightfulpoignancybothtoyourconversationandcorrespondence;butindeed,mydear,thiscasewillnotbearhumour.
Willyougivemeleavetoaddtothistediousexpostulation,thatIbynomeansapproveofsomeofthethingsyouwrite,inrelationtothemannerinwhichyourfatherandmotherlived--attimeslived--onlyattimes,Idareday,thoughperhapstoooften.
Yourmotherisanswerabletoanybody,ratherthantoherchild,forwhateverwaswronginherconduct,ifanythingwaswrong,towardsMr.Howe:agentleman,ofwhosememoryIwillonlysay,thatitoughttobereveredbyyou--Butyet,shouldyounotexamineyourself,whetheryourdispleasureatyourmotherhadnopartinyourrevivedreverenceforyourfatheratthetimeyouwrote?
Nooneisperfect:andalthoughyourmothermaynotberighttorememberdisagreeablenessagainstthedeparted,yetshouldyounotwanttoberemindedonwhoseaccount,andonwhatoccasion,sherememberedthem.
Youcannotjudge,noroughtyoutoattempttojudge,ofwhatmighthavepassedbetweenboth,toembitterandkeepawakedisagreeableremembrancesinthesurvivor.
LETTERXLII
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE[INCONTINUATION.]
Butthissubjectmustnotbepursued.Anothermight,withmorepleasure,
(thoughnotwithmoreapprobation,)upononeofyourlivelyexcursions.Itisuponthehighairsyougiveyourselfuponthewordapprove.
Howcomesitabout,Iwonder,thatayoungladysonotedforpredominatinggenerosity,shouldnotbeuniformlygenerous?Thatyourgenerosityshouldfailinaninstancewherepolicy,prudence,gratitude,wouldnotpermitittofail?Mr.Hickman(asyouconfess)hadindeedaworthymind.IfIhadnotlongagoknownthat,hewouldneverhavefoundanadvocateinmeformyAnnaHowe'sfavourtohim.OftenandoftenhaveIbeenconcerned,whenIwasyourhappyguest,toseehim,afteraconversation,inwhichhehadwellsupportedhispartinyourabsence,sinkatonceintosilencethemomentyoucameintocompany.
Ihavetoldyouofthisbefore:andIbelieveIhintedtoyouonce,thatthesuperciliousnessyouputononlytohim,wascapableofaconstruction,whichatthetimewouldhaveverylittlegratifiedyourpridetohavehadmade;sinceitwouldhavebeenasmuchinhisfavour,asifyourdisfavour.
Mr.Hickman,mydear,isamodestman.Ineverseeamodestman,butIamsure(ifhehasnotwantedopportunities)thathehasatreasureinhismind,whichrequiresnothingbutthekeyofencouragementtounlockit,tomakehimshine--whileaconfidentman,who,tobeconfident,
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mustthinkasmeanlyofhiscompanyashighlyofhimself,enterswithmagisterialairsuponanysubject;and,dependinguponhisassurancetobringhimselfoffwhenfoundout,talksofmorethanheismasterof.
Butamodestman!--Omydear,shallnotamodestwomandistinguishandwishtoconsortwithamodestman?--Aman,beforewhom,andtowhomshemayopenherlipssecureofhisgoodopinionofallshesays,andofhisjustandpoliteregardforherjudgment?andwhomustthereforeinspireherwithanagreeableself-confidence.
WhatalothaveIdrawn!--Weareallindeedapttoturnteachers--but,surely,Iambetterenabledtotalk,towrite,uponthesesubjects,thaneverIwas.ButIwillbanishmyself,ifpossible,fromanaddresswhich,whenIbegantowrite,Iwasdeterminedtoconfidewhollytoyourownparticular.
Mydearest,dearestfriend,howreadyareyoutotelluswhatothersshoulddo,andevenwhatamothershouldhavedone!Butindeedyouonce,Iremember,advanced,that,asdifferentattainmentsrequireddifferenttalentstomasterthem,so,inthewritingway,apersonmightnotbeabadcriticupontheworksofothers,althoughhemighthimselfbeunabletowritewithexcellence.Butwillyoupermitmetoaccountforallthisreadinessoffindingfault,byplacingittohumannature,which,beingsensibleofthedefectsofhumannature,(thatistosay,ofitsown
defects,)lovestobecorrecting?Butinexercisingthattalent,choosesrathertoturnitseyeoutwardthaninward?Inotherwords,toemployitselfratherintheout-doorsearch,thaninthein-doorexamination.
Andheregivemeleavetoadd,(andyetitiswithtenderreluctance,)thatalthoughyousayveryprettythingsofnotablewives;andalthoughIjoinwithyouinopinion,thathusbandsmayhaveasmanyinconvenienciestoencounterwith,asconvenienciestoboastof,fromwomen,ofthatcharacter;yetLadyHartleyperhapswouldhavehadmildertreatmentfromyourpen,haditnotbeendippedingallwithamotherinyoureye.
Astothemoney,yousogenerouslyandrepeatedlyoffer,don'tbeangry
withme,ifIagainsay,thatIamverydesirousthatyoushouldbeabletoaver,withouttheleastqualifyingorreserve,thatnothingofthatsorthaspassedbetweenus.Iknowyourmother'sstrongwayofputtingthequestionsheisintentuponhavinganswered.ButyetIpromisethatIwillbeobligedtonobodybutyou,whenIhaveoccasion.
LETTERXLIII
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE[INCONTINUATION.]
Andnow,mydear,afewwords,astotheprohibitionlaiduponyou;asubjectthatIhavefrequentlytouchedupon,butcursorily,becauseIwasafraidtotrustmyselfwithit,knowingthatmyjudgment,ifIdid,wouldcondemnmypractice.
Youcommandmenottoattempttodissuadeyoufromthiscorrespondence;andyoutellmehowkindlyMr.Hickmanapprovesofit;andhowobligingheistome,topermitittobecarriedonundercovertohim--butthisdoesnotquitesatisfyme.
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Iamaverybadcasuist;andthepleasureItakeinwritingtoyou,whoaretheonlyonetowhomIcandisburdenmymind,maymakeme,asIhavehinted,verypartialtomyownwishes:else,ifitwerenotanartfulevasionbeneathanopenandfrankhearttowishtobecompliedwith,Iwouldbegladmethinkstobepermittedstilltowritetoyou;andonlytohavesuchoccasionalreturnsbyMr.Hickman'spen,aswellascover,asmightsetmerightwhenIamwrong;confirmme,whenright,andguidemewhereIdoubt.Thiswouldenablemetoproceedinthedifficultpathbeforemewithmoreassuredness.ForwhateverIsufferfromthecensureofothers,ifIcanpreserveyourgoodopinion,Ishallnotbealtogetherunhappy,letwhatwillbefallme.
Andindeed,mydear,Iknownothowtoforbearwriting.Ihavenownootheremploymentordiversion.AndImustwriteon,althoughIwerenottosendittoanybody.YouhaveoftenheardheowntheadvantagesIhavefoundfromwritingdowneverythingofmomentthatbefallsme;andofallIthink,andofallIdo,thatmaybeoffutureusetome;for,besidesthatthishelpstoformonetoastyle,andopensandexpandstheductilemind,everyonewillfindthatmanyagoodthoughtevaporatesinthinking;manyagoodresolutiongoesoff,drivenoutofmemoryperhapsbysomeothernotsogood.ButwhenIsetdownwhatIwilldo,orwhatIhavedone,onthisorthatoccasion;theresolutionoractionisbeforemeeithertobeadheredto,withdrawn,oramended;
andIhaveenteredintocompactwithmyself,asImaysay;havinggivenitundermyownhandtoimprove,ratherthantogobackward,asIlivelonger.
Iwouldwillingly,therefore,writetoyou,ifImight;theratherasitwouldbethemoreinspiritingtohavesomeendinviewinwhatIwrite;somefriendtoplease;besidesmerelyseekingtogratifymypassionforscribbling.
Butwhy,ifyourmotherwillpermitourcorrespondenceoncommunicatingtoherallthatpassesinit,andifshewouldcondescendtooneonlycondition,mayitnotbecompliedwith?
Wouldshenot,doyouthink,mydear,beprevailedupontohavethecommunicationmadetoher,inconfidence?
Iftherewereanyprospectofareconciliationwithmyfriends,Ishouldnothavesomuchregardformypride,astobeafraidofanybody'sknowinghowmuchIhavebeenoutwittedasyoucallit.Iwouldinthatcase(whenIhadleftMr.Lovelace)acquaintyourmother,andallmyownfriends,withthewholeofmystory.Itwouldbehovemesotodo,formyownreputation,andfortheirsatisfaction.
But,ifIhavenosuchprospect,whatwillthecommunicationofmyreluctancetogoawaywithMr.Lovelace,andofhisartstofrightenmeaway,availme?Yourmotherhashinted,thatmyfriendswouldinsist
uponmyreturninghometothem(asaproofofthetruthofmyplea)tobedisposedof,withoutcondition,attheirpleasure.IfIscrupledthis,mybrotherwouldrathertriumphoverme,thankeepmysecret.Mr.Lovelace,whosepridealreadysoillbrooksmyregretsformeetinghim,(whenhethinks,ifIhadnot,ImusthavebeenMr.Solmes'swife,)wouldperhapstreatmewithindignity:andthus,deprivedofallrefugeandprotection,Ishouldbecomethescoffofmenofintrigue;adisgracetomysex--whilethatavowedloved,howeverindiscreetlyshown,whichisfollowedbymarriage,willfindmoreexcusesmadeforit,thangenerallyitoughttofind.
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But,ifyourmotherwillreceivethecommunicationinconfidence,prayshewherallthatIhavewritten,orshallwrite.Ifmypastconductinthatcaseshallnotbefoundtodeserveheavyblame,Ishallthenperhapshavethebenefitofheradvice,aswellasyour.Andif,afterare-establishmentinherfavour,Ishallwilfullydeserveblameforthetimetocome,Iwillbecontenttobedeniedyoursaswellashersforever.
Astocrampingmyspirit,asyoucallit,(wereItositdowntowritewhatIknowyourmothermustsee,)that,mydear,isalreadycramped.Anddonotthinksounhandsomelyofyourmother,astofearthatshewouldmakepartialconstructionsagainstme.NeitheryounorIcandoubt,butthat,hadshebeenleftunprepossessedlytoherself,shewouldhaveshownfavourtome.Andso,Idaresay,wouldmyuncleAntony.Nay,mydear,Icanextendmycharitystillfarther:forIamsometimesofopinion,thatweremybrotherandsisterabsolutelycertainthattheyhadsofarruinedmeintheopinionofbothmyuncles,asthattheyneednotbeapprehensiveofmyclashingwiththeirinterests,theywouldnotopposeapardon,althoughtheymightnotwishareconciliation;especiallyifIwouldmakeafewsacrificestothem:which,Iassureyou,IshouldbeinclinedtomakewereIwhollyfree,andindependentonthisman.YouknowInevervaluedmyselfuponworldlyacquisitions,butastheyenlargedmypowertodothingsIlovedto
do.AndifIweredeniedthepower,Imust,asInowdo,curbmyinclination.
DonothoweverthingmeguiltyofanaffectationinwhatIhavesaidofmybrotherandsister.SevereenoughIamsureitis,inthemostfavourablesense.Andanindifferentpersonwillbeofopinion,thattheyaremuchbetterwarrantedthanever,forthesakeofthefamilyhonour,toseektoruinmeinthefavourofallmyfriends.
Buttotheformertopic--try,mydear,ifyourmotherwill,upontheconditionabovegiven,permitourcorrespondence,onseeingallwewrite.Butifshewillnot,whataselfishnesswouldtherebeinmylovetoyou,wereItowishyoutoforegoyourdutyformysake?
Andnow,oneword,astothefreedomIhavetreatedyouwithinthistediousexpostularyaddress.Ipresumeuponyourforgivenessofit,becausefewfriendshipsarefoundedonsuchabasisasours:whichis,'freelytogivereproof,andthankfullytoreceiveitasoccasionsarise;thatsoeithermayhaveopportunitytoclearupmistakes,toacknowledgeandamenderrors,aswellinbehaviourasinwordsanddeeds;andtorectifyandconfirmeachotherinthejudgmenteachshallformuponpersons,things,andcircumstances.'Andallthisuponthefollowingconsideration;'thatitismuchmoreeligible,aswellashonourable,tobecorrectedwiththegentlenessthatmaybeexpectedfromanundoubtedfriend,than,bycontinuingeitherblindorwilful,toexposeourselvestothecensuresofanenviousandperhapsmalignant
world.'
Butitisasneedless,Idaresay,toremindyouofthis,asitistorepeatmyrequest,sooftenrepeated,thatyouwillnot,inyourturn,sparethefolliesandthefaultsof
YoureveraffectionateCL.HARLOWE.
SUBJOINEDTOTHEABOVE.
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Isaid,thatIwouldavoidwritinganythingofmyownparticularaffairsintheaboveaddress,ifIcould.
Iwillwriteonelettermore,toinformyouhowIstandwiththisman.But,mydear,youmustpermitthatone,andyouranswertoit(forIwantyouradviceuponthecontentsofmine)andthecopyofoneIhavewrittentomyaunt,tobethelastthatshallpassbetweenus,whiletheprohibitioncontinues.
Ifear,Iverymuchfear,thatmyunhappysituationwilldrawmeintobeingguiltyofevasion,oflittleaffectations,andofcurvingsfromtheplainsimpletruthwhichIwaswonttodelightin,andprefertoeveryotherconsideration.Butallowmetosay,andthisforyoursake,andinordertolessenyourmother'sfearsofanyillconsequencesthatshemightapprehendfromourcorrespondence,thatifIamatanytimeguiltyofafailureintheserespects,Iwillnotgooninit,butendeavourtorecovermylostground,thatImaynotbringerrorintohabit.
Ihavedeferredgoingtotown,atMrs.Sorlings'searnestrequest.ButhavefixedmyremovaltoMonday,asIshallacquaintyouinmynext.
Ihavealreadymadeaprogressinthatnext;but,havinganunexpected
opportunity,willsendthisbyitself.
LETTERXLIV
MISSHOWE,TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWEFRIDAYMORNING,APRIL21.
Mymotherwillnotcomplywithyourcondition,mydear.Ihintedittoher,asfrommyself.ButtheHarlowes(excuseme)havegotherentirelyinwiththem.Itisaschemeofmine,shetoldme,formedtodrawher
intoyourpartyagainstyourparents.Which,foryourownsake,sheisverycarefulabout.
Don'tbesomuchconcernedaboutmymotherandme,oncemore,Ibegofyou.Weshalldowellenoughtogether--nowafallingout,nowafallingin.
Itusedtobeso,whenyouwerenotinthequestion.
YetdoIgiveyoumysincerethanksforeverylineofyourreprehensiveletters;whichIintendtoreadasoftenasIfindmytemperrises.
Iwillfreelyown,however,thatIwincedalittleatfirstreading
them.ButIseethat,oneveryre-perusal,Ishallloveandhonouryoustillmore,ifpossible,thanbefore.
Yet,IthinkIhaveoneadvantageoveryou;andwhichIwillholdthroughthisletter,andthroughallmyfutureletters;thatis,thatIwilltreatyouasfreelyasyoutreatme;andyetwillneverthinkanapologynecessarytoyouformyfreedom.
Butthatyousothinkwithrespecttomeistheeffectofyourgentlenessoftemper,withalittlesketchofimpliedreflectiononthe
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warmthofmine.Gentlenessinawomanyouholdtobenofault:nordoIalittledueorprovokedwarmth--Butwhatisthis,butpraisingonbothsideswhatwhatneitherofuscanhelp,norperhapswishtohelp?Youcannomoregooutofyourroad,thanIcangooutofmine.Itwouldbeapaintoeithertodoso:Whatthenisitineither'sapprovingofherownnaturalbias,butmakingavirtueofnecessity?
ButoneobservationIwilladd,thatwereyourcharacter,andmycharacter,tobetrulydrawn,minewouldbeallowedtobethemostnatural.Shadesandlightsareequallynecessaryinafinepicture.Yourswouldbesurroundedwithsuchafloodofbrightness,withsuchaglory,thatitwouldindeeddazzle;butleaveoneheartlesstoimitateit.
Omayyounotsufferfromabaseworldforyourgentleness;whilemytemper,byitswarmth,keepingallimpositionatadistance,thoughlessamiableingeneral,affordsmenotreason,asIhavementionedheretofore,towishtomakeanexchangewithyou!
Ishouldindeedbeinexcusabletoopenmylipsbywayofcontradictiontomymother,hadIsuchafinespiritasyourstodealwith.Truthistruth,mydear!Whyshouldnarrownessrunawaywiththepraisesduetoanobleexpansionofheart?Ifeverybodywouldspeakout,asIdo,(thatistosay,givepraisewhereonlypraiseisdue;dispraisewheredue
likewise,)shame,ifnotprinciple,wouldmendtheworld--nay,shamewouldintroduceprincipleinagenerationortwo.Verytrue,mydear.Doyouapply.Idarenot.--ForIfearyou,almostasmuchasIloveyou.
Iwillgiveyouaninstance,nevertheless,whichwilla-newdemonstrate,thatnonebutverygenerousandnoble-mindedpeopleoughttobeimplicitlyobeyed.YouknowwhatIsaidabove,thattruthistruth.
Inconveniencieswillsometimesarisefromhavingtodowithpersonsofmodestandscrupulousness.Mr.Hickman,yousay,isamodestman.Heputyourcorrectivepacketintomyhandwithaveryfinebow,andaself-satisfiedair[we'llconsiderwhatyousayofthishonestmanby-and-by,mydear]:hisstrutwasnogoneoff,whenincamemymother,
asIwasreadingit.
Whensomefolksfindtheirangerhasmadethemconsiderable,theywillbealwaysangry,orseekingoccasionsforanger.
Why,now,Mr.Hickman--why,now,Nancy,[asIwashuddlinginthepacketbetweenmygownandmystays,atherentrance.]Youhavealetterbroughtyouthisinstant.--Whilethemodestman,withhispausingbrayings,Mad-da--Mad-dam,lookedasifheknewnotwhethertofightitout,ortostandhisground,andseefairplay.
Itwouldhavebeenpoortotellalieforit.Sheflungaway.Iwentoutattheoppositedoor,toreadthecontents;leavingMr.Hickmanto
exercisehiswhiteteethuponhisthumb-nails.
WhenIhadreadyourletters,Iwenttofindoutmymother.Itoldherthegenerouscontents,andthatyoudesiredthattheprohibitionmightbeadheredto.Iproposedyourcondition,asformyself;andwasrejected,asabove.
Shesupposed,shewasfinelypaintedbetweentwo'youngcreatures,whohadmorewitthanprudence:'andinsteadofbeingprevaileduponbythegenerosityofyoursentiments,madeuseofyouropiniononlytoconfirm
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herown,andrenewedherprohibitions,chargingmetoreturnnootheranswer,butthatshedidrenewthem:adding,thattheyshouldstand,tillyourrelationswerereconciledtoyou;hintingasifshehadengagedforasmuch:andexpectedmycompliance.
Ithoughtofyourreprehensions,andwasmeek,thoughnotpleased.Andletmetellyou,mydear,thataslongasIcansatisfymyownmind,thatgoodisintended,andthatitishardlypossiblethatevilshouldensuefromourcorrespondence--aslongasIknowthatthisprohibitionproceedsoriginallyfromthesamespitefulmindswhichhavebeentheoccasionofallthesemischiefs--aslongasIknowthatitisnotyourfaultifyourrelationsarenotreconciledtoyou,andthatuponconditionswhichnoreasonablepeoplewouldrefuse--youmustgivemeleave,withalldeferencetoyourjudgment,andtoyourexcellentlessons,(whichwouldreachalmosteverycaseofthiskindbutthepresent,)toinsistuponyourwritingtome,andthatminutely,asifthisprohibitionhadnotbeenlaid.
Itisnotfromhumour,fromperverseness,thatIinsistuponthis.Icannotexpresshowmuchmyheartisinyourconcerns.Andyoumust,inshort,allowmetothink,thatifIcandoyouservicebywriting,Ishallbebetterjustifiedincontinuingtowrite,thanmymotherisinherprohibition.
Butyet,tosatisfyyouallIcan,Iwillasseldomreturnanswers,whiletheinterdictlasts,asmaybeconsistentwithmynotionsoffriendship,andwiththeserviceIoweyou,andcandoyou.
AstoyourexpedientofwritingbyHickman[andnow,mydear,yourmodestmancomesin:andasyoulovemodestyinthatsex,Iwilldomyendeavour,byholdinghimataproperdistance,tokeephiminyourfavour]Iknowwhatyoumeanbyit,mysweetfriend.Itistomakethatmansignificantwithme.Astothecorrespondence,THATshallgoon,Idoassureyou,beasscrupulousasyouplease--sothatthatwillnotsufferifIdonotclosewithyourproposalastohim.
Imusttellyou,thatIthinkitwillbehonourenoughforhimtohave
hisnamemadeuseofsofrequentlybetwixtus.This,ofitself,isplacingaconfidenceinhim,thatwillmakehimwalkboltupright,anddisplayhiswhitehand,andhisfinediamondring;andmostmightilylaydownhisservices,andhispridetooblige,andhisdiligence,andhisfidelity,andhiscontrivancestokeepoursecret,andhisexcuses,andhisevasionstomymother,whenchallengedbyher;withfiftyana'sbeside:andwillitnotmoreovergivehimpretenceandexcuseoftenerthanevertopad-nagithithertogoodMrs.Howe'sfairdaughter?
Buttoadmithimintomycompanytete-a-tete,andintomycloset,asoftenasIwouldwishtowritetoyou,Ionlydictatetohispen--mymotherallthetimesupposingthatIwasgoingtobeheartilyinlovewithhim--tomakehimmasterofmysentiments,andofmyheart,asImay
say,whenIwritetoyou--indeed,mydear,Iwon't.Nor,wereImarriedtothebestHEinEngland,wouldIhonourhimwiththecommunicationofmycorrespondences.
No,mydear,itissufficient,surely,forhimtoparadeinthecharacterofourletter-conveyor,andtobehonouredinacover,andneverfearbut,modestasyouthinkhim,hewillmakeenoughofthat.
Youarealwaysblamingmeforwantofgenerositytothisman,andforabuseofpower.ButIprofess,mydear,Icannottellhowtohelpit.
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Do,dear,now,letmespreadmyplumesalittle,andnow-and-thenmakemyselffeared.Thisismytime,youknow,sinceitwouldbenomoretomycreditthantohis,togivemyselfthoseairswhenIammarried.HehasajoywhenIampleasedwithhimthathewouldnotknow,butforthepainmydispleasuregiveshim.
Men,nomorethanwomen,knowhowtomakeamoderateuseofpower.Isnotthatseeneveryday,fromtheprincetothepeasant?IfIdonotmakeHickmanquakenow-and-then,hewillendeavourtomakemefear.Alltheanimalsinthecreationaremoreorlessinastateofhostilitywitheachother.Thewolf,thatrunsawayfromalion,willdevouralambthenextmoment.Iremember,thatIwasoncesoenragedatagamechickenthatwascontinuallypeckingatanother(apoorhumbleone,asIthoughthim)thatIhadtheoffendercaught,andwithoutmoreado,inapetofhumanity,wrunghisneckoff.Whatfollowedthisexecution?Whythatothergrewinsolent,assoonashisinsulterwasgone,andwascontinuallypeckingatoneortwounderhim.Peckandbehanged,saidI,--Imightaswellhavepreservedthefirst,forIseeitisthenatureofthebeast.
Excusemyflippancies.IwishIwerewithyou.Iwouldmakeyousmileinthemidstofyourgravestairs,asIusedtodo.Othatyouhadacceptedofmyoffertoattendyou!butnothingthatIofferwillyouaccept----Takecare!--Youwillmakemeveryangrywithyou:andwhenI
am,youknowIvaluenobody:for,dearlyasIloveyou,Imustbe,andcannotalwayshelpit,
YoursaucyANNAHOWE.
LETTERXLV
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWEFRIDAY,APRIL22.
Mr.Lovelacecommunicatedtomethismorningearly,fromhisintelligencer,thenewsofmybrother'sscheme.Ilikehimthebetterformakingverylightofit,andforhistreatingitwithcontempt.Andindeed,hadInothadthehintofitfromyou,Ishouldhavesuspectedittobesomecontrivanceofhis,inordertohastenmetotown,wherehehaslongwishedtobehimself.
HereadmethepassageinthatLeman'sletter,whichisprettymuchtotheeffectofwhatyouwrotetomefromMissLloyd;withthisaddition,thatoneSingleton,amasterofaScotsvessel,isthemanwhoistobetheprincipalinthisactofviolence.
Ihaveseenhim.HehadbeentwiceentertainedatHarlowe-place,asmy
brother'sfriend.Hehastheairofaveryboldandfearlessman,andIfancyitmustbehisproject;asmybrother,Isuppose,talkstoeverybodyoftherashstepIhavetaken,forhedidnotsparemebeforehehadthisseemingreasontocensureme.
ThisSingletonlivesatLeith;so,perhaps,Iamtobecarriedtomybrother'shousenotfarfromthatport.
Puttingthesepassagestogether,Iamnotalittleapprehensivethatthedesign,lightlyasMr.Lovelace,fromhisfearlesstemper,treatsit,
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maybeattemptedtobecarriedintoexecution;andoftheconsequencesthatmayattendit,ifitbe.
IaskedMr.Lovelace,seeinghimsofrankandcool,whathewouldadvisemetodo.
ShallIaskyou,Madam,whatareyourownthoughts?--WhyIreturnthequestion,saidhe,is,becauseyouhavebeensoveryearnestthatIshouldleaveyouassoonasyouareinLondon,thatIknownotwhattoproposewithoutoffendingyou.
Myopinionis,saidI,thatIshouldstudiouslyconcealmyselffromtheknowledgeofeverybodybutMissHowe;andthatyoushouldleavemeoutofhand;sincetheywillcertainlyconclude,thatwhereoneis,theotherisnotfaroff:anditiseasiertotraceyouthanme.
Youwouldnotsurelywish,saidhe,tofallintoyourbrother'shandsbysuchaviolentmeasureasthis?Iproposenottothrowmyselfofficiouslyintheirway;butshouldtheyhavereasontothinkIavoidedthem,wouldnotthatwhettheirdiligencetofindyou,andtheircouragetoattempttocarryyouoff,andsubjectmetoinsultsthatnomanofspiritcanbear?
Lordblessme!saidI,towhathadthisonefatalstepthatIhavebeen
betrayedinto----
DearestMadam,letmebeseechyoutoforbearthisharshlanguage,whenyousee,bythisnewscheme,howdeterminedtheywereuponcarryingtheiroldones,hadyounotbeenbetrayed,asyoucallit.HaveIofferedtodefythelawsofsociety,asthisbrotherofyoursmustdo,ifanythingbeintendedbythisproject?Ihopeyouwillbepleasedtoobservethatthereareasviolentandaswickedenterprisersasmyself.Butthisissoverywildaproject,thatIthinktherecanbenoroomforapprehensionsfromit.Iknowyourbrotherwell.Whenatcollege,hehadalwaysaromanticturn:butneverhadaheadforanythingbuttopuzzleandconfoundhimself.Ahalf-invention,andawholeconceit;butnotmasteroftalentstodohimselfgood,orothersharm,butasthose
othersgavehimthepowerbytheirownfolly.
Thisisveryvolublyrunoff,Sir!--Butviolentspiritsarebuttoomuchalike;atleastintheirmethodsofresenting.Youwillnotpresumetomakeyourselfalessinnocentman,surely,whohaddeterminedtobravemywholefamilyinperson,ifmyfollyhadnotsavedyoutherashness,andthemtheinsult--
DearMadam!--Stillmustitbefolly,rashness!--Itisasimpossibleforyoutothinktolerablyofanybodyoutofyourownfamily,asitisforanyoneinyourfamilytodeserveyourlove!Forgiveme,dearestcreature!IfIdidnotloveyouasnevermanlovedawoman,Imightappearmoreindifferenttopreferencessoundeservedlymade.Butletme
askyou,Madam,Whathaveyoubornefromme?WhatcausehaveIgivenyoutotreatmewithsomuchseverityandsolittleconfidence?Andwhathaveyounotbornefromthem?Maliceandill-will,sittinginjudgmentuponmycharacter,maynotgivesentenceinmyfavour:Butwhatofyourownknowledgehaveyouagainstme?
Spiritedquestions,weretheynot,mydear?--Andtheywereaskedwithasspiritedanair.Iwasstartled.ButIwasresolvednottodesertmyself.
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Isthisatime,Mr.Lovelace,isthisaproperoccasiontaken,togiveyourselfthesehighairstome,ayoungcreaturedestituteofprotection?Itisasurprisingquestionyouaskme--HadIaughtagainstyouofmyownknowledge--Icantellyou,Sir--AndawayIwouldhaveflung.
Hesnatchedmyhand,andbesoughtmenottoleavehimindispleasure.Hepleadedhispassionforme,andmyseveritytohim,andpartialityforthosefromwhomIhadsufferedsomuch;andwhoseintendedviolence,hesaid,wasnowthesubjectofourdeliberation.
Iwasforcedtohearhim.
Youcondescended,dearestcreature,saidhe,toaskmyadvice.Itwasveryeasy,givemeleavetosay,toadviseyouwhattodo.IhopeImay,onthisnewoccasion,speakwithoutoffence,notwithstandingyourformerinjunctions--Youseethattherecanbenohopeofreconciliationwithyourrelations.Canyou,Madam,consenttohonourwithyourhandawretchwhomyouhaveneveryetobligedwithonevoluntaryfavour!
Whatarecriminating,whatareproachfulway,mydear,wasthis,ofputtingaquestionofthisnature!
Iexpectednotfromhim,atthetime,andjustasIwasveryangrywith
him,eitherthequestionorthemanner.IamashamedtorecollecttheconfusionIwasthrowninto;allyouradviceinmyheadatthemoment:yethiswordssoprohibitory.Heconfidentlyseemedtoenjoymyconfusion[indeed,mydear,heknowsnotwhatrespectfulloveis!]andgazeduponme,asifhewouldhavelookedmethrough.
Hewasstillmoredeclarativeafterwards,asIshallmentionby-and-by:butitwashalfextortedfromhim.
Myheartstruggledviolentlybetweenresentmentandshame,tobethusteasedbyonewhoseemedtohaveallhispassionsatcommand,atatimewhenIhadverylittleovermine!tillatlastIburstintotears,andwasgoingfromhiminhighdisgust:when,throwinghisarmsaboutme,
withanair,however,themosttenderlyrespectful,hegaveastupidturntothesubject.
Itwasfarfromhisheart,hesaid,totakesomuchadvantageofthestreight,whichthediscoveryofmybrother'sfoolishprojecthadbroughtmeinto,astorenew,withoutmypermission,aproposalwhichIhadhithertodiscountenanced,andwhichforthatreason--
Andthenhecamewithhishalf-sentences,apologizingforwhathehadnotsomuchashalf-proposed.
Surelyhehadnottheinsolencetointendtoteaseme,toseeifIcouldbebroughttospeakwhatbecamemenottospeak.Butwhetherhehador
not,itdidteaseme;insomuchthatmyveryheartwasfretted,andIbrokeout,atlast,intofreshtears,andadeclarationthatIwasveryunhappy.AndjustthenrecollectinghowlikeatamefoolIstoodwithhisarmsaboutme,Iflungfromhimwithindignation.Butheseizedmyhand,asIwasgoingoutoftheroom,anduponhiskneesbesoughtmystayforonemoment:andthen,inwordsthemostclearandexplicit,tenderedhimselftomyacceptance,asthemosteffectualmeanstodisappointmybrother'sscheme,andsetallright.
ButwhatcouldIsaytothis?--Extortedfromhim,asitseemedtome,
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ratherastheeffectofhiscompassionthanhislove?WhatcouldIsay?Ipaused,Ilookedsilly--IamsureIlookedverysilly.Hesufferedmetopause,andlooksilly;waitingformetosaysomething:andatlast(ashamedofmyconfusion,andaimingtomakeanexcuseforit)ItoldhimthatIdesiredhewouldavoidsuchmeasuresasmightaddtotheuneasinesswhichitmustbevisibletohimIhad,whenhereflectedupontheirreconcilablenessofmyfriends,anduponwhatmightfollowfromthisunaccountableprojectofmybrother.
Hepromisedtobegovernedbymeineverything.Andagainthewretch,insteadofpressinghisformerquestion,askedme,IfIforgavehimforthehumblesuithehadmadetome?WhathadItodobuttotryforapalliationofmyconfusion,sinceitservedmenot?
ItoldhimIhadhopesitwouldnotbelongbeforeMr.Mordenarrived;anddoubtednotthatthatgentlemanwouldbethereadiertoengageinmyfavour,whenhefoundthatImadenootheruseofhis(Mr.Lovelace's)assistance,thantofreemyselffromtheaddressesofamansodisagreeabletomeasMr.Solmes:ImustthereforewishthateverythingmightremainasitwastillIcouldhearfrommycousin.
This,althoughteasedbyhimasIwas,wasnot,yousee,mydear,adenial.Buthemustthrowhimselfintoaheat,ratherthantrytopersuade;whichanyothermaninhissituation,Ishouldthink,would
havedone;andthiswarmthobligedmetoadheretomyseemingnegative.
Thiswaswhathesaid,withavehemencethatmusthardenanywoman'smind,whohadaspiritabovebeingfrightedintopassiveness--
GoodGod!andwillyou,Madam,stillresolvetoshowmethatIamtohopefornoshareinyourfavour,whileanytheremotestprospectremainsthatyouwillbereceivedbymybitterestenemies,atthepriceofmyutterrejection?
ThiswaswhatIreturned,withwarmth,andwithasalvingarttoo--Youshouldhaveseen,Mr.Lovelace,howmuchmybrother'sviolencecanaffectme:butyouwillbemistakenifyouletlooseyoursuponme,with
athoughtofterrifyingmeintomeasuresthecontraryofwhichyouhaveacquiescedwith.
Heonlybesoughtmetosufferhisfutureactionstospeakforhim;andifIsawhimworthyofanyfavour,thatIwouldnotlethimbetheonlypersonwithinmyknowledgewhowasnotentitledtomyconsideration.
Yourefertoafuturetime,Mr.Lovelace,sodoI,forthefutureproofofamerityouseemtothinkforthepasttimewanting:andjustlyyouthinkso.AndIwasagaingoingfromhim.
Onewordmorehebeggedmetohear--Hewasdeterminedstudiouslytoavoidallmischief,andeverystepthatmightleadtomischief,letmy
brother'sproceedings,shortofaviolenceuponmyperson,bewhattheywould:butifanyattemptthatshouldextendtothatweretobemade,wouldIhavehadhimtobeaquietspectatorofmybeingseized,orcarriedback,oronboard,bythisSingleton;or,incaseofextremity,washenotpermittedtostandupinmydefence?
Standupinmydefence,Mr.Lovelace!--Ishouldbeverymiserableweretheretobeacallforthat.ButdoyouthinkImightnotbesafeandprivateinLondon?Byyourfriend'sdescriptionofthewidow'shouse,IshouldthinkImightbesafethere.
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Thewidow'shouse,hereplied,asdescribedbyhisfriend,beingabackhousewithinafrontone,andlookingtoagarden,ratherthantoastreet,hadtheappearanceofprivacy:butif,whenthere,itwasnotapproved,itwouldbeeasytofindanothermoretomyliking--though,astohispart,themethodhewouldadviseshouldbe,towritetomyuncleHarlowe,asoneofmytrustees,andwaittheissueofithereatMrs.Sorlings's,fearlesslydirectingittobeansweredhither.Tobeafraidoflittlespiritswasbuttoencourageinsults,hesaid.Thesubstanceofthelettershouldbe,'Todemandasaright,whattheywouldrefuseifrequestedasacourtesy:toacknowledgethatIhadputmyself[toowell,hesaid,didtheirtreatmentjustifyme]intotheprotectionoftheladiesofhisfamily[bywhoseorders,andLordM.'s,hehimselfwouldappeartoact]:butthatuponmyownterms,whichweresuch,thatIwasundernoobligationtothoseladiesforthefavour;itbeingnomorethantheywouldhavegrantedtoanyoneofmysex,equallydistressed.'IfIapprovednotofhismethod,happyshouldhethinkhimself,hesaid,ifIwouldhonourhimwiththeopportunityofmakingsuchaclaiminhisownname--butthiswasapoint[withhisbut'sagaininthesamebreath!]thathedurstbutjusttouchupon.Hehoped,however,thatIwouldthinktheirviolenceasufficientinducementformetotakesuchawished-forresolution.
Inwardlyvexed,Itoldhimthathehimselfhadproposedtoleavemewhen
Iwasintown;thatIexpectedhewould:andthat,whenIwasknowntobeabsolutelyindependent,Ishouldconsiderwhattowrite,andwhattodo:butthatwhilehewaswithme,Ineitherwouldnorcould.
Hewouldbeverysincerewithme,hesaid:thisprojectofmybrother'shadchangedthefaceofthings.Hemust,beforeheleftme,seewhetherIshouldorshouldnotapproveoftheLondonwidowandherfamily,ifIchosetogothither.Theymightbepeoplewhommybrothermightbuy.Butifhesawtheywerepersonsofintegrity,hethenmightgoforadayortwo,orso.Buthemustneedssay,hecouldnotleavemelongeratatime.
Doyoupropose,Sir,saidI,totakeupyourlodgingsinthehousewhere
Ishalllodge?
Hedidnot,hesaid,asheknewtheuseIintendedtomakeofhisabsence,andmypunctilio--andyetthehousewherehehadlodgingswasnew-fronting,andnotinconditiontoreceivehim:buthecouldgotohisfriendBelford's,inSoho;orperhapshemightreachtothesamegentleman'shouseatEdgware,overnight,andreturnonthemornings,tillhehadreasontothinkthiswildprojectofmybrother'slaidaside.Buttonogreaterdistancetillthenshouldhecaretoventure.
Theresultofallwas,tosetoutonMondaynextfortown.Ihopeitwillbeinahappyhour.
CL.HARLOWE.
LETTERXLVI
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.FRIDAY,APRIL21.
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[AsitwasnotprobablethattheLadycouldgivesoparticularanaccountofherownconfusion,intheaffectingsceneshementionsonMr.Lovelace'sofferinghimselftoheracceptance,thefollowingextractsaremadefromhisletteroftheabovedate.]
Andnow,Belford,whatwiltthousay,if,liketheflybuzzingaboutthebrighttaper,Ihadliketohavesingedthesilkenwingsofmyliberty?Neverwasmaningreaterdangerofbeingcaughtinhisownsnares:allmyviewsanticipated;allmyschemesuntried;theadmirablecreaturenobroughttotown;noroneeffortmadetoknowifshebereallyangelorwoman.
Iofferedmyselftoheracceptance,withasuddenness,'tistrue,thatgavehernotimetowrapherselfinreserves;andintermslesstenderthanfervent,tendingtoupbraidherforherpastindifference,andtoremindherofherinjunctions:foritwasthefearofherbrother,notherloveofme,thathadinclinedhertodispensewiththoseinjunctions.
Ineverbeheldsosweetaconfusion.Whataglorytothepencil,coulditdojusticetoit,andtothemingledimpatiencewhichvisiblyinformedeveryfeatureofthemostmeaningandmostbeautifulfaceintheworld!Shehemmedtwiceorthrice:herlook,nowsocharminglysilly,thensosweetlysignificant;tillatlastthelovelyteaser,
teasedbymyhesitatingexpectationofheranswer,outofallpowerofarticulatespeech,burstintotears,andwasturningfrommewithprecipitation,when,presumingtofoldherinmyhappyarms--Othinknot,bestbelovedofmyheart,saidI,thinknot,thatthismotion,whichyoumaybelievetobesocontrarytoyourformerinjunctions,proceedsfromadesigntoavailmyselfofthecrueltyofyourrelations:ifIhavedisobligedyoubyit,(andyouknowwithwhatrespectfultendernessIhavepresumedtohintit,)itshallbemyutmostcareforthefuture--ThereIstopped----
Thenshespoke,butwithvexation--Iam--Iam--veryunhappy--Tearstricklingdownhercrimsoncheeks,andhersweetface,asmyarmsstillencircledthefinestwaistintheworld,sinkinguponmyshoulder;the
dearcreaturesoabsent,thatsheknewnotthehonourshepermittedme.
Butwhy,butwhyunhappy,mydearestlife?saidI:--allthegratitudethateveroverflowedtheheartofthemostobligedofmen--
Justicetomyselftherestoppedmymouth:forwhatgratitudedidIoweherforobligationssoinvoluntary?
Thenrecoveringherself,andherusualreserves,andstrugglingtofreeherselffrommyclaspingarms,Hownow,Sir!saidshe,withacheekmoreindignantlyglowing,andeyesoffiercerlustre.
Igavewaytoherangrystruggle;but,absolutelyovercomebyso
charmingadisplayofinnocentconfusion,Icaughtholdofherhandasshewasflyingfromme,andkneelingatherfee,Omyangel,saidI,(quitedestituteofreserve,andhardlyknowingthetenorofmyownspeech;andhadaparsonbeenthere,Ihadcertainlybeenagoneman,)receivethevowsofyourfaithfulLovelace.Makehimyours,andonlyyours,forever.Thiswillanswereveryend.Whowilldaretoformplotsandstratagemsagainstmywife?Thatyouarenotsoisthegroundofalltheirfoolishattempts,andoftheirinsolenthopesinSolmes'sfavour.--Obemine!--Ibeseechyou(thusonmykneeIbeseechyou)tobemine.Weshallthenhavealltheworldwithus.Andeverybodywill
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applaudaneventthateverybodyexpects.
Wasthedevilinme!Inomoreintendedallthisecstaticnonsense,thanIthoughtthesamemomentofflyingintheair!Allpoweriswiththischarmingcreature.ItisI,notshe,atthisrate,thatmustfailinthearduoustrial.
Didstthoueverbeforehearofamanutteringsolemnthingsbyaninvoluntaryimpulse,indefianceofpremeditation,andofallhisproudschemes?Butthissweetcreatureisabletomakeamanforegoeverypurposeofhisheartthatisnotfavourabletoher.AndIverilythinkIshouldbeinclinedtospareherallfurthertrial(andyetwhattrialhasshehad?)wereitnotforthecontentionthathervigilancehassetonfoot,whichshallovercometheother.ThouknowestmygenerositytomyuncontendingRosebud--andsometimesdoIqualifymyardentaspirationsaftereventhisveryfinecreature,bythisreflection:--Thatthemostcharmingwomanonearth,weresheanempress,canexcelthemeanestinthecustomaryvisiblesonly.Suchistheequalityofthedispensation,totheprinceandthepeasant,inthisprimegiftWOMAN.
Well,butwhatwastheresultofthisinvoluntaryimpulseonmypart?--Wouldstthounotthink;Iwastakenatmyoffer?--Anoffersosolemnlymade,andononekneetoo?
Nosuchthing!TheprettytriflerletmeoffaseasilyasIcouldhavewished.
Herbrother'sproject;andtofindthattherewerenohopesofareconciliationforher;andtheapprehensionshehadofthemischiefsthatmightensue;these,notmyoffer,norloveofme,werethecausestowhichsheascribedallhersweetconfusion--anascriptionthatishightreasonagainstmysovereignpride,--tomakemarriagewithmebutasecond-placerefuge;andasgoodastotellmethatherconfusionwasowingtoherconcernthattherewerenohopesthatmyenemieswouldacceptofherintendedoffertorenounceamanwhohadventuredhislifeforher,andwasstillreadytorunthesamerisqueinherbehalf!
Ire-urgedhertomakemehappy,butIwastobepostponedtohercousinMorden'sarrival.Onhimarenowplacedallherhopes.
Iraved;buttonopurpose.
Anotherletterwastobesent,orhadbeensent,toherauntHervey,towhichshehopedananswer.
YetsometimesIthinkthatfainterandfainterwouldhavebeenherprocrastinations,hadIbeenamanofcourage--butsofearfulwasIofoffending!
Aconfoundedthing!Themantobesobashful;thewomantowantsomuchcourting!--Howshalltwosuchcometogether--nokindmediatressintheway?
ButImustbecontented.'Tisseldom,however,thatalovesoardentasmine,meetswithaspiritsoresignedinthesameperson.Buttruelove,Iamnowconvinced,onlywishes:norhasitanyactivewillbutthatoftheadoredobject.
But,Othecharmingcreature,againofherselftomentionLondon!Had
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Singleton'splotbeenofmyowncontriving,amorehappyexpedientcouldnothavebeenthoughtoftoinducehertoresumeherpurposeofgoingthither;norcanIdivinewhatcouldbeherreasonforpostponingit.
IenclosetheletterfromJosephLeman,whichImentionedtotheeinmineofMondaylast,*withmyanswertoit.Icannotresistthevanitythaturgesmetothecommunication.Otherwise,itwerebetter,perhaps,thatIsuffertheetoimaginethatthislady'sstarsfightagainsther,anddispensetheopportunitiesinmyfavour,whichareonlytheconsequencesofmyowninvention.
LETTERXLVII
TOROBERTLOVELACE,ESQ.HISHONNERSAT.APRIL15.
MAYITPLEASEYOURHONNER,
ThisistoletyouHonnerkno',ashowIhavebeenemploiedinabisnessIwouldhavebeenexcusedfrom,ifsobeIcould,foritistogittevidensefromayoungman,whohasoflatecom'douttobemycuzzen
bymygrandmother'sside;andbutlatelycometoliveinthesepartes,aboutaveryvilething,asyoungemastercallsit,relatingtoyourHonner.GodforbidIshouldcallitsowithoutyourleafe.ItisnotforsoplaneamanasIbe,totacksmybetters.ItisconsarningoneMissBatirton,ofNotingam;averyprettycrature,belike.
YourHonnergotheraway,itseems,byafalselettertoher,mackingbelieveashowhershe-cuzzen,thatshederelyloved,wascomingtoseeher;andwastackenillupontherode:andsoMissBatirtonsetoutinashase,andonesarvant,tofethercuzzenfromtheinnewhereshelaidsick,asshethote:andthesarvantwastricked,andbrautebacktheshase;butMissBatirtonwasnothardeofforamonth,orso.Andwhenitcametopasse,thatherfrendsfoundeheroutandwouldhave
prossekutidyourHonner,yourHonnerwasgoneabroad:andsoshewasbroutetobed,asonemaysay,beforeyourHonner'sreturn:andshegotcoldeinherlyin-inn,andlanquitched,andsoondied:andthechildisliving;butyourHonnernevertroublesyourHonner'sheddaboutitintheleast.Andthis,andsomeothermatters,ofverrybadreporte,'SquierSolmeswastotellmyyoungladyof,ifsobeshewouldhavehardehimspeke,beforewelosthersweetcompany,asImaysay,fromheere.*
*SeeVol.II.LettersXV.andXVI.
YourHonnerhelpedmetomanyuglystoriestotellagainstyouHonnertomyyoungemaster,andyoungemistriss;butdidnottellmeaboutthis.
ImosthumbellybesecheyourHonnertobegoodandkindeandfethfultomydeerestyoungelady,nowyouhaveher;orIshallbrakemyharteforhavingdonesomededesthathavehelpedtobringethingstothispasse.Prayyouredere,goodHonner,bejust!Prayeydo!--AsGodshallloveye!prayeydo!--Icannotwritenomoreforthispressent,forverryfearandgrief--
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ButnowIamcumm'dtomywritingagen,willyourHonnerbepleasedtotellme,ifashowtherebeanydangertoyourHonner'slifefromthisbisness;formycuzzenisactilehier'dtogodowntoMissBatirton'sfrendestoseeiftheywillstirinit:foryoumustkno'yourHonner,ashowhelivedintheBatirtonfamilyatthetime,andcouldbeagoodevidense,andallthat.
IhopeitwasnotsoverrybadasTitussaysitwas;forhesesashowtherewasarapeinthecasebetwixtyouatfurste,andpleseyourHonner;andmycuzzenTitusisaveryhonistyoungemanaseverbrockebred.Thisishiscarackter;andthismademewillingertoownehimformyrelation,whenwecametotalck.
IfthereshouldbedangerofyourHonner'slife,IhopeyourHonnerwillnotbehangedlikeasoneofuscommonmen;onlyhaveyourheddcutoff,orso:andyetitispitsuchaheddshouldbelossed:butifashowitshouldbeprossekutidtothatfurr,whichGodforbid,beplesednathelesstothinckofyourefethfulJosephLeman,beforeyourheddbecondemned;foraftercondemnation,asIhavebeentold,allwillbetheking'sortheshreeve's.
IthoteashowitwasbesttoacquentyouHonnerofthis;andforyoutoletmekno'ifIcoulddoanythinktosarveyourHonner,andpreventmischiefwithmycuzzenTitus,onhiscomingbackfromNottingam,before
hemackeshisreporte.
Ihaveginhimahintalready:forwhat,asIsedtohim,cuzzenTitus,signifiesstirringupthecolesandmackingofstrife,tomakerichgentilfolkesliveatvarience,andtobecuttingofthrotes,andsuch-like?
Verytrewe,sedlittleTitus.Andthis,andpleseyourHonner,gismehopesofhim,ifsobeyourHonnergismedirection;sen',asGodkno'es,Ihaveapoor,averrypoorinvenshon;onlyawillingmindtopreventmischief,thatisthechiefofmyaim,andalwayswas,IblessmyGod!--ElsIcouldhavemademuchmischiefinmytime;asindeedanysarvantmay.YourHonnernathalesspraisesmyinvenshonevery
now-and-then:Alas!andpleseyourHonner,whatinvenshonshouldsuchaplanemanasIhave?--ButwhenyourHonnersetsmeagoingbyyourfineinvenshon,Icandowellenuff.AndIamsureIhaveaheartygoodwilltodeserveyourHonner'sfaver,ifImought.
Twodays,asImaysay,offandon,haveIbeenwritingthislongletter.AndyetIhavenotsedallIwouldsay.For,beitknoneuntoyourHonner,ashowIdonotlikethatCaptainSingleton,whichItoldyouofinmylasttwoletters.Heisalwayslayinghisheddandmyyoungmaster'sheddtogether;andIsuspectmuchifsobesomemischiefisnotgoingonbetweenthem:andstillthemore,asbecausemyeldestyoungeladyseemestobejoinedtothemsometimes.
Lastweekmyyoungemastersedbeforemyfase,Myharte'sbloodboilsover,CaptenSingleton,forrevengeuponthis--andhecalledyourHonnerbyanameitisnotforsuchawonasmetosaywhat.--CaptenSingletonwhispredmyyoungemaster,beingIwasby.Soyoungmastersed,YoumaysayanythingbeforeJoseph;for,althoffhelookssoseelie,hehasasgoodaharte,andasgoodahedd,asanysarvanteintheworldneedtohave.Myconsciencetouchedmejustthen.Butwhyshouldeit?whenallIdoistopreventmischeff;andseeingyourHonnerhassomuchpatience,whichyoungemasterhasnot;soamnotaffeardoftellingyourHonneranythingwhatsomever.
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Andfurthermore,IhavesuchadesiretodesarveyourHonner'sbountytome,asmackesmeletnothingpassIcantellyouof,topreventharm:andtoo,besides,yourHonner'sgoodnessabouttheBlewBore;whichIhavesogoodanaccounteof!--IamsureIshallbeboundentoblessyourHonnerthelongestdayIhavetolive.
AndthentheBlewBoreisnotallneither:sen',andpleaseyourHonner,theprettySowe(Godforgivemeforgestinginsoserusamatter)runsinmyheddlikewise.IbelieveIshalllovehermayhapmorethanyourHonnerwouldhaveme;forshebeginstobekindandgood-humered,andlistens,andpleseyourHonour,lickeasifshewasamongbeans,whenItalkeabouttheBlewBore,andallthat.
Prayey,yourHonner,forgivethegestingofapoorplaneman.Wecommonfokeshaveourjoys,andpleseyourHonner,lickasourbettershave;andifwebesometimessnubbed,wecanfindourunderlingstosnubthemagen;andifnot,wecangetawifemayhap,andsnubher:soaremasterssomehoworotheroursells.
ButhowItryyourHonner'spatience!--Sarvantswillshewtheirjoyfulhartes,tho'offbutinpartinens,whenencourag'd.
Beplesedfromtheprems'stoletmekno'ifashowIcanbeputupon
anysarvicetosarveyourHonner,andtosarvemydeerestyoungelady;whichGodgrant!forIbegintobeaffeardeforher,hearingwhatpepletalck--tobesureyourHonnerwillnotdohernoharme,asamanmaysay.ButIkno'yourHonnermustbegoodtosowonderousayoungelady.Howcanyouhelpit?--Butheremyconsciencesmitesme,that,butforsomeofmystories,whichyourHonnertauteme,myoldmaster,andmyoldlady,andthetwoold'squires,wouldnothavebeenabletobehalfsohardheartedastheybe,forallmyyoungemasterandyoungemistresssayes.
Andhereisthesadthing;theycannotcometoclereupmatterswithmydeerestyounglady,because,asyourHonnerhasorderedit,theyhavethesestoriesasifbribedbymeoutofyourHonner'ssarvant;which
mustnotbeknownforfereyoushouldkill'nandmetoo,andblackenthebriber!--Ah!yourHonner!IdoubteasthaIamaveryvildfellow,(Lordblessmysoil,IprayGod!)anddidnotintendit.
Butifmydeerestyoungeladyshouldcometoharm,andpleseyourHonner,thehorsepondattheBlewBore--butLordpreserveusallfromallbadmischeff,andallbadendes,IpraytheLord!--Fortho'ffyouHonneriskindetomeinworldlypelf,yetwhatshallamangettolooshissoul,asholySkrittuersays,andpleseyourHonner?
ButnathelessIaminhopeofreppentencehereafter,beingbutayoungeman,ifIdowrongthro'ignorens:yourHonnerbeingagrateman,andagravewit;andIapoorcrature,notworthynotice;andyourHonnerable
toanswerforall.But,howsomever,Iam
YourHonner'sfethefulsarvantinalldewtie,JOSEPHLEMAN.
APRIL15AND16.
LETTERXLVIII
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MR.LOVELACE,TOJOSEPHLEMANMONDAY,APRIL17.
HONESTJOSEPH,
Youhaveaworseopinionofyourinventionthanyououghttohave.Imustpraiseitagain.Ofaplainman'shead,Ihavenotknownmanybetterthanyours.HowoftenhaveyourforecastanddiscretionansweredmywishesincaseswhichIcouldnotforesee,notknowinghowmygeneraldirectionswouldsucceed,orwhatmighthappenintheexecutionofthem!Youaretoodoubtfulofyourownabilities,honestJoseph;that'syourfault.--Butitbeingafaultthatisowingtonaturalmodesty,yououghtrathertobepitiedforitthanblamed.
TheaffairofMissBettertonwasayouthfulfrolic.Ilovedearlytoexercisemyinvention.Idoassureyou,Joseph,thatIhaveeverhadmorepleasureinmycontrivances,thanintheendofthem.Iamnosensualman:butamanofspirit--onewomanislikeanother--youunderstandme,Joseph.--Incoursing,allthesportismadebythewindinghare--abarn-doorchickisbettereating--nowyoutakeme,Joseph.
MissBettertonwasbutatradesman'sdaughter.Thefamily,indeed,was
grownrich,andaimedatanewlineofgentry;andwereunreasonableenoughtoexpectamanofmyfamilywouldmarryher.Iwashonest.Igavetheyoungladynohopeofthat;forsheputittome.Sheresented--keptup,andwaskeptup.Alittleinnocentcontrivancewasnecessarytogetherout.Butnorapeinthecase,Iassureyou,Joseph.Shelovedme--Ilovedher.Indeed,whenIgothertotheinn,Iaskedhernoquestion.Itiscrueltoaskamodestwomanforherconsent.Itiscreatingdifficultiestoboth.Hadnotherfriendsbeenofficious,Ihadbeenconstantandfaithfultohertothisday,asfarasIknow--forthenIhadnotknownmyangel.
Iwentnotabroaduponheraccount.Shelovedmetoowelltohaveappearedagainstme;sherefusedtosignapapertheyhaddrawnupfor
her,tofoundaprosecutionupon;andthebrutalcreatureswouldnotpermitthemid-wife'sassistance,tillherlifewasindanger;and,Ibelieve,tothisherdeathwasowing.
Iwentintomourningforher,thoughabroadatthetime.AdistinctionIhaveeverpaidtothoseworthycreatureswhodiesinchildbedbyme.
Iwaseverniceinmyloves.--TheseweretherulesIlaiddowntomyselfonmyentranceintoactivelife:--Tosetthemotherabovewant,ifherfriendswerecruel,andifIcouldnotgetherahusbandworthyofher:toshuncommonwomen--apieceofjusticeIowedtoinnocentladies,aswellastomyself:tomarryoffaformermistress,ifpossible,beforeItooktoanewone:tomaintainaladyhandsomelyinherlying-in:to
provideforthelittle-one,ifitlived,accordingtothedegreeofitsmother:togointomourningforthemother,ifshedied.Andthepromiseofthiswasagreatcomforttotheprettydears,astheygrewneartheirtimes.
Allmyerrors,allmyexpenses,havebeenwithanduponwomen.SoIcouldacquitmyconscience(actingthushonourablybythem)aswellasmydiscretionastopointoffortune.
Allmenlovewomen--andfindmeamanofmorehonour,inthesepoints,
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ifyoucan,Joseph.
Nowonderthesexlovemeastheydo!
ButnowIamstrictlyvirtuous.Iamreformed.SoIhavebeenforalongtime,resolvingtomarryassoonasIcanprevailuponthemostadmirableofwomentohaveme.Ithinkofnobodyelse--itisimpossibleIshould.Ihavesparedveryprettygirlsforhersake.Verytrue,Joseph!Sosetyourhonestheartatrest--YouseethepainsItaketosatisfyyourqualms.
But,astoMissBetterton--norapeinthecase,Irepeat:rapesareunnaturalthings,andmorearethanareimagined,Joseph.Ishouldbelothtobeputtosuchastreight;Ineverwas.MissBettertonwastakenfrommeagainstherownwill.Inthatcaseherfriends,notI,committedtherape.
Ihavecontrivedtoseetheboytwice,unknowntotheauntwhotakescareofhim;loveshim;andwouldnotnowpartwithhimonanyconsideration.TheboyisafineboyIthankGod.Nofatherneedbeashamedofhim.Hewillbewellprovidedfor.Ifnot,Iwouldtakecareofhim.Hewillhavehismother'sfortune.Theycursethefather,ungratefulwretches!butblesstheboy--Uponthewhole,thereisnothingvileinthismatteronmyside--agreatdealontheBettertons.
Wherefore,Joseph,benotthouinpain,eitherformyhead,orforthyownneck;norfortheBlueBoar;norfortheprettySow.
Iloveyourjesting.Jestingbetterbecomesapoormanthanqualms.Ilovetohaveyoujest.Allwesay,allwedo,allwewishfor,isajest.Hethatmakeslifeitselfnotsoisasadfellow,andhastheworstofit.
Idoubtnot,Joseph,butyouhavehadyourjoys,asyousay,aswellasyourbetters.Mayyouhavemoreandmore,honestJoseph!--Hethatgrudgesapoormanjoy,oughttohavenonehimself.Jeston,therefore.--Jesting,Irepeat,betterbecomestheethanqualms.
IhadnoneedtotellyouofMissBetterton.DidInotfurnishyouwithstoriesenough,withouthers,againstmyself,toaugmentyourcreditwithyourcunningmasters?Besides,IwaslothtomentionMissBetterton,herfriendsbeingallliving,andincredit.Ilovedhertoo--forshewastakenfrommebyhercruelfriends,whileourjoyswereyoung.
ButenoughofdearMissBetterton.--Dear,Isay;fordeathendears.--Resttoherworthysoul!--There,Joseph,offwentadeepsightothememoryofMissBetterton!
AstothejourneyoflittleTitus,(Inowrecollectthefellowbyhis
name)letthattakeitscourse:aladydyinginchildbedeighteenmonthsago;noprocessbeguninherlife-time;refusingherselftogiveevidenceagainstmewhileshelived--prettycircumstancestofoundanindictmentforarapeupon!
Astoyouryounglady,theever-admirableMissClarissaHarlowe,Ialwayscourtedherforawife.Othersratherexpectedmarriagefromthevanityoftheirownhearts,thanfrommypromises;forIwasalwayscarefulofwhatIpromised.Youknow,Joseph,thatIhavegonebeyondmypromisestoyou.Idotoeverybody;andwhy?becauseitisthebest
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wayofshowingthatIhavenogrudgingornarrowspirit.Apromiseisanobligation.Ajustmanwillkeephispromise,agenerousmanwillgobeyondit.--Thisismyrule.
Ifyoudoubtmyhonourtoyouryounglady,itismorethanshedoes.Shewouldnotstaywithmeanhourifshedid.Mineisthesteadiestheartintheworld.Hastthounotreasontothinkitso?Whythissqueamishnessthen,honestJoseph?
Butitisbecausethouarthonest--soIforgivethee.WhoeverlovesmydivineClarissa,lovesme.
LetJamesHarlowecallmewhatnameshewill,forhissister'ssakeIwillbearthem.Donotbeconcernedforme;herfavourwillmakemerichamends;hisownvilelymaliciousheartwillmakehisbloodboiloveratanytime;andwhenitdoes,thinkestthouthatIwillletittouchthine?Ah!Joseph,Joseph!whatafoolishteaseristhyconscience!Suchaconscienceasgivesaplainmantrouble,whenheintendstodoforthebest,isweakness,notconscience.
Butsaywhatthouwilt,writeallthouknowestorhearestoftome,I'llhavepatiencewitheverybody.WhyshouldInot,whenitisasmuchthedesireofmyheart,asitisofthine,topreventmischief?
Sonow,Joseph,havingtakenallthispainstosatisfythyconscience,andanswerallthydoubts,andtobanishallthyfears,letmecometoanewpoint.
Yourendeavoursandmine,whichweredesigned,byround-aboutways,toreconcileall,evenagainstthewillsofthemostobstinate,havenot,weseeansweredtheendwehopedtheywouldanswer;but,onthecontrary,havewidenedthedifferencesbetweenourfamilies.Butthishasnotbeeneitheryourfaultormine:itisowingtotheblack,pitch-likebloodofyourvenomous-heartedyoungmaster,boilingover,asheowns,thatourhonestwisheshavehithertobeenfrustrated.
Yetwemustproceedinthesamecourse.Weshalltirethemoutintime,
andtheywillproposeterms;andwhentheydo,theyshallfindouthowreasonablemineshallbe,littleastheydeservefromme.
Persevere,therefore,Joseph,honestJoseph,persevere;andunlikelyasyoumayimaginethemeans,ourdesireswillatlastbeobtained.
Wehavenothingforitnow,buttogothroughwithourworkinthewaywehavebegun.Forsince(asItoldyouinmylast)mybelovedmistrustsyou,shewillblowyouup,ifshebenotmine;ifshebe,Ican,andwill,protectyou;andas,iftherewillbeanyfault,inheropinion,itwillberatherminethanyours,shemustforgiveyou,andkeepherhusband'ssecrets,forthesakeofhisreputation;elseshewillbeguiltyofagreatfailureinherduty.Sonowyouhavesetyourhandto
theplough,Joseph,thereisnolookingback.
Andwhatistheconsequenceofallthis:onelabourmore,andthatwillbeallthatwillfalltoyourlot;atleast,ofconsequence.
Mybelovedisresolvednottothinkofmarriagetillshehastriedtomoveherfriendstoareconciliationwithher.Youknowtheyaredeterminednottobereconciled.Shehasitinherhead,Idoubtnot,tomakemesubmittothepeopleIhate;andifIdid,theywouldratherinsultme,thanreceivemycondescensionastheyought.Sheevenowns,
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thatshewillrenounceme,iftheyinsistuponit,providedtheywillgiveupSolmes:so,toallappearance,Iamstillasfaraseverfromthehappinessofcallinghermine;IndeedIammorelikelythanevertoloseher,(ifIcannotcontrivesomewaytoavailmyselfofthepresentcriticalsituation;)andthen,Joseph,allIhavebeenstudying,andallyouhavebeendoing,willsignifynothing.
Attheplacewhereweare,wecannotlongbeprivate.Thelodgingsareinconvenientforus,whilebothtogether,andwhilesherefusestomarry.Shewantstogetmeatadistancefromher;thereareextraordinaryconvenientlodgings,inmyeye,inLondon,wherewecouldbeprivate,andallmischiefavoided.Whenthere,(ifIgetherthither,)shewillinsistthatIleaveher.MissHoweisforeverputtingheruponcontrivances.That,youknow,isthereasonIhavebeenobliged,byyourmeans,toplaythefamilyoffatHarlowe-placeuponMrs.Howe,andMrs.Howeuponherdaughter--Ah,Joseph!Littleneedforyourfearsformyangel!Ionlyamindanger:butwereIthefree-liverIamreportedtobe,allthiscouldIgetoverwithawetfinger,asthesayingis.
But,bythehelpofoneofyourhints,Ihavethoughtofanexpedientwhichwilldoeverthing,andraiseyourreputation,thoughalreadysohigh,higherstill.ThisSingleton,Ihear,isafellowwholovesenterprising:theviewhehastogetJamesHarlowetobehisprincipal
ownerinalargevesselwhichhewantstobeputintothecommandof,maybethesubjectoftheirpresentcloseconversation.Butsinceheistaughttohavesogoodanopinionofyou,Joseph,cannotyou(stillpretendinganabhorrenceofme,andofmycontrivances)proposetoSingletontoproposetoJamesHarlowe(whosomuchthirstsforrevengeuponme)toassisthim,withhiswholeship'screw,uponoccasion,tocarryoffhissistertoLeith,wherebothhavehouses,orelsewhere?
Youmaytellthem,thatifthiscanbeeffected,itwillmakemeravingmad;andbringyouryoungladyintoalltheirmeasures.
Youcaninformthem,asfrommyservant,ofthedistanceshekeepsmeat,inhopesofprocuringherfather'sforgiveness,bycruellygivingme
up,ifinsistedupon.
Youcantellthem,thatastheonlysecretmyservanthaskeptfromyouistheplacewearein,youmakenodoubt,thatatwo-guineabribewillbringthatout,andalsoaninformationwhenIshallbeatadistancefromher,thattheenterprisemaybeconductedwithsafety.
Youmaytellthem,(stillasfrommyservant,)thatweareabouttoremovefrominconvenientlodgingstoothersmoreconvenient,(whichistrue,)andthatImustbeoftenabsentfromher.
Iftheylistentoyourproposal,youwillpromoteyourinterestwithBetty,bytellingittoherasasecret.BettywilltellArabellaof
it;Arabellawillbeoverjoyedatanythingthatwillhelpforwardherrevengeuponme;andwillrevealit(ifherbrotherdonot)toheruncleAntony;heprobablywillwhisperittoMrs.Howe;shecankeepnothingfromherdaughter,thoughtheyarealwaysjangling.Herdaughterwillacquaintmybelovedwithit.Andifitwillnot,orifitwill,cometomyearsfromsomeofthose,youcanwriteittome,asinconfidence,bywayofpreventingmsicheif;whichisthestudyofusboth.
Icanthenshowittomybeloved;thenwillshebeforplacingagreaterconfidenceinme--thatwillconvincemeofherlove,whichIamnow
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sometimesreadytodoubt.Shewillbeforhasteningtothesaferlodgings.Ishallhaveapretencetostayaboutherperson,asaguard.Shewillbeconvincedthatthereisnoexpectationtobehadofareconciliation.YoucangiveJamesHarloweandSingletoncontinualfalsescents,asIshalldirectyou;sothatnomischiefcanpossiblyhappen.
Andwhatwillbethehappy,happy,thricehappyconsequence?--Theladywillbemineinanhonourableway,weshallallbefriendsingoodtime.ThetwoguineaswillbeanagreeableadditiontothemanygratuitiesIhavehelpedyouto,bythelikecontrivances,fromthisstingyfamily.Yourreputation,bothforheadandheart,asIhintedbefore,willbeheightened.TheBlueBoaralsowillbeyours;norshallyouhavetheleastdifficultyaboutraisingmoneytobuythestock,ifitbeworthyourwhiletohaveit.
Bettywilllikewisethenbeyours.Youhavebothsavedmoney,itseems.ThewholeHarlowefamily,whomyouhavesofaithfullyserved,['tisservingthem,surely,topreventthemischiefwhichtheirviolentsonwouldhavebroughtuponthem,]willthrowyouinsomewhattowardshousekeeping.Iwillstilladdtoyourstore--sonothingbuthappinessbeforeyou!
Crow,Joseph,crow!--adunghillofthyowninview;servantstosnubatthypleasure;awifetoquarrelwith,ortolove,asthyhumourleads
thee;LandlordandLandladyateveryword;tobepaid,insteadofpaying,forthyeatinganddrinking.Butnotthushappyonlyinthyself:happyinpromotingpeaceandreconciliationbetweentwogoodfamilies,inthelongrun,withouthurtinganychristiansoul.OJoseph,honestJoseph!whatenvywiltthouraise,andwhowouldbesqueamishwithsuchprospectsbeforehim.
Thisonelabour,Irepeat,crownsthework.Ifyoucangetbutsuchadesignentertainedbythem,whethertheyprosecuteitornot,itwillbeequallytothepurposeof
Yourlovingfriend,R.LOVELACE.
LETTERXLIX
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMRS.HERVEY[ENCLOSEDINHERLASTTOMISSHOWE.]THURSDAY,APRIL20.
HONOUREDMADAM,
HavingnothadthefavourofananswertoaletterItookthelibertytowritetoyouonthe14th,Iaminsomehopesthatitmayhave
miscarried:forIhadmuchratheritshould,thantohavethemortificationtothinkthatmyauntHerveydeemedmeunworthyofthehonourofhernotice.
Inthishope,havingkeptacopyofit,andnotbecomeabletoexpressmyselfintermsbettersuitedtotheunhappycircumstancesofthings,ItranscribeandenclosewhatIthenwrote.*AndIhumblybeseechyoutofavourthecontentsofitwithyourinterest.
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*ThecontentsoftheLetterreferredtoaregiveninLetterXXIV.ofthisvolume.
HithertoitisinmypowertoperformwhatIundertakeforinthisletter;anditwouldbeverygrievoustometobeprecipitateduponmeasures,whichmayrenderthedesirablereconciliationmoredifficult.
If,Madam,Iwerepermittedtowritetoyouwiththehopesofbeinganswered,IcouldclearmyintentionwithregardtothestepIhavetaken,althoughIcouldnotperhapsacquitmyselftosomeofmyseverestjudges,ofanimprudenceprevioustoit.You,Iamsure,wouldpityme,ifyouknewallIcouldsay,andhowmiserableIamintheforfeitureofthegoodopinionofallmyfriends.
Iflattermyself,thattheirfavourisyetretrievable:but,whateverbethedeterminationatHarlowe-place,donotyou,mydearestAunt,denymethefavourofafewlinestoinformmeiftherecanbeanyhopeofareconciliationupontermslessshockingthanthoseheretoforeendeavouredtobeimposeduponme;orif(whichGodforbid!)Iamtobeforeverreprobated.
Atleast,mydearAunt,procureformethejusticeofmywearingapparel,andthelittlemoneyandotherthingswhichIwrotetomy
sisterfor,andmentionintheenclosedtoyou;thatImaynotbedestituteofcommonconveniencies,orbeunderanecessitytooweanobligationforsuch,where,atpresent,however,Iwouldleastofalloweit.
Allowmetosay,thathadIdesignedwhathappened,Imight(astothemoneyandjewelsatleast)havesavedmyselfsomeofthemortificationwhichIhavesuffered,andwhichIstillfurtherapprehend,ifmyrequestbenotcompliedwith.
IfyouarepermittedtoencourageaneclaircissmentofwhatIhint,Iwillopenmywholehearttoyou,andinformyouofeverything.
Ifitbeanypleasuretohavememortified,bepleasedtoletitbeknown,thatIamextremelymortified.AndyetitisentirelyfrommyownreflectionsthatIamso,havingnothingtofindfaultwithinthebehaviourofthepersonfromwhomeveryevilwastobeapprehended.
Thebearer,havingbusinessyourway,willbringmeyouransweronSaturdaymorning,ifyoufavourmeaccordingtomyhopes.IknewnotthatIshouldhavethisopportunitytillIhadwrittentheabove.
Iam,mydearestAunt,Youreverdutiful,CL.HARLOWE.
Bepleasedtodirectforme,ifIamtobefavouredwithafewlines,tobeleftatMr.Osgood's,nearSoho-square;andnobodyshalleverknowof
yourgoodnesstome,ifyoudesireittobekeptasecret.
LETTERL
MISSHOWE,TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWESATURDAY,APRIL22.
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Icannotformylifeaccountforyourwretch'steasingways;buthecertainlydoubtsyourloveofhim.Inthisheisamodestman,aswellassomebodyelse;andtacitlyconfessesthathedoesnotdeserveit.
YourIsraelitishhankeringsaftertheEgyptianonion,(testifiedstillmoreinyourlettertoyouraunt,)youroftenrepeatedregretsformeetinghim,forbeingbetrayedbyhim--thesehecannotbear.
Ihavebeenlookingbackonthewholeofhisconduct,andcomparingitwithhisgeneralcharacter;andfindthatheismoreconsistently,moreuniformly,mean,revengeful,andproud,thaneitherofusonceimagined.
Fromhiscradle,asImaysay,asanonlychild,andaboy,humoursome,spoiled,mischievous;thegovernorofhisgovernors.
Alibertineinhisriperyears,hardlyregardfulofappearances;anddespisingthesexingeneral,forthefaultsofparticularsofit,whomadethemselvestoocheaptohim.
Whathasbeenhisbehaviourinyourfamily?--aCLARISSAinview,(fromthetimeyourfoolishbrotherwasobligedtotakealifefromhim,)butdefiancefordefiances.Gettingyouintohispowerbyterror,byartifice.Whatpolitenesscanbeexpectedfromsuchaman?
Well,butwhatinsuchasituationistobedone?Why,youmustdespisehim:youmusthatehim,ifyoucan,andrunawayfromhim--Butwhither?--Whitherindeed,nowthatyourbrotherislayingfoolishplotstoputyouinastillworsecondition,asitmayhappen.
Butifyoucannotdespiseandhatehim--ifyoucarenottobreakwithhim,youmustpartwithsomepunctilio's.Andifthesodoingbringnotonthesolemnity,youmustputyourselfintotheprotectionoftheladiesofhisfamily.
Theirrespectforyouisofitselfasecurityforhishonourtoyou,iftherecouldbeanyroomfordoubt.Andatleast,youshouldremindhimofhisoffertobringoneoftheMissMontaguestoattendyouatyour
newlodgingsintown,andaccompanyyoutillallishappilyover.
This,you'llsay,willbeasgoodasdeclaringyourselftobehis.Andsoletit.Yououghtnotnowtothinkofanythingelsebuttobehis.Doesnotyourbrother'sprojectconvinceyoumoreandmoreofthis?
Giveoverthen,mydearestfriend,anythoughtsofthishopelessreconciliation,whichhaskeptyoubalancingthuslong.Youown,intheletterbeforeme,thathemadeveryexplicitoffers,thoughyougivemenottheverywords.Andhegavehisreasons,Iperceive,withhiswishesthatyoushouldacceptthem;whichveryfewofthesorryfellowsdo,whosepleaisgenerallybutacomplimenttoourself-love--Thatwemustlovethem,howeverpresumptuousandunworthy,becausetheyloveus.
WereIinyourplace,andhadyourcharmingdelicacies,Ishould,perhaps,doasyoudo.NodoubtbutIshouldexpectthatthemanshouldurgemewithrespectfulwarmth;thatheshouldsupplicatewithconstancy,andthatallhiswordsandactionsshouldtendtotheoneprincipalpoint;nevertheless,ifIsuspectedartordelay,foundeduponhisdoubtsofmylove,Iwouldeithercondescendtoclearupisdoubtsorrenouncehimforever.
Andinmylastcase,I,yourAnnaHowe,wouldexertmyself,andeither
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findyouaprivaterefuge,orresolvetosharefortuneswithyou.
Whatawretch!tobesoeasilyansweredbyyourreferencetothearrivalofyourcousinMorden!ButIamafraidthatyouwastooscrupulous:fordidhenotresentthatreference?
Couldwehavehisaccountofthematter,Ifancy,mydear,Ishouldthinkyouovernice,overdelicate.*Hadyoulaidholdofhisacknowledgedexplicitness,hewouldhavebeenasmuchinyourpower,asnowyouseemtobeinhis:youwantednottobetold,thatthepersonwhohadbeentrickedintosuchastepasyouhadtaken,mustofnecessitysubmittomanymortifications.
*Thereaderwhohasseenhisaccount,whichMissHowecouldnothaveseen,whenshewrotethus,willobservethatitwasnotpossibleforapersonofhertruedelicacyofmindtoactotherwisethanshedid,toamansocruellyandsoinsolentlyartful.
Butwereittome,agirlofspiritasIamthoughttobe,Idoassureyou,Iwould,inaquarterofanhour(allthetimeIwouldallowtopunctilioinsuchacaseasyours)knowwhathedrivesat:sinceeitherhemustmeanwellorill;ifill,thesooneryouknowit,thebetter.If
well,whosemodestyisithedistresses,butthatofhisownwife?
Andmethinksyoushouldendeavourtoavoidallexasperatingrecriminations,astowhatyouhaveheardofhisfailureinmorals;especiallywhileyouaresohappyasnottohaveoccasiontospeakofthembyexperience.
Igrantthatitgivesaworthymindsomesatisfactioninhavingborneitstestimonyagainsttheimmoralitiesofabadone.Butthatcorrectionwhichisunseasonablygiven,ismorelikelyeithertohardenormakeanhypocrite,thantoreclaim.
Iampleased,however,aswellasyou,withhismakinglightofyour
brother'swiseproject.--Poorcreature!andmustMasterJemmyHarlowe,withhishalf-wit,pretendtoplot,andcontrivemischief,yetrailatLovelaceforthesamethings?--Awittyvillaindeserveshangingatonce(andwithoutceremony,ifyouplease):butahalf-wittedonedeservesbrokenbonesfirst,andhangingafterwards.IthinkLovelacehasgivenhischaracterinafewwords.*
*SeeLetterXLV.ofthisvolume.
Beangryatme,ifyouplease;butassureasyouarealive,nowthatthispoorcreature,whomsomecallyourbrother,findshehassucceeded
inmakingyouflyyourfather'shouse,andthathehasnothingtofearbutyourgettingintoyourown,andintoanindependenceofhim,hethinkshimselfequaltoanything,andsohehasamindtofightLovelacewithhisownweapons.
Don'tyourememberhispragmaticaltriumph,astoldyoubyyouraunt,andpridedinbythatsaucyBettyBarnes,fromhisownfoolishmouth?*
*SeeVol.II.LetterXLVII.
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Iexpectnothingfromyourlettertoyouraunt.IhopeLovelacewillneverknowthecontentsofit.Ineveryoneofyours,Iseethatheaswarmlyresentsashedaresthelittleconfidenceyouhaveinhim.Ishouldresentittoo,wereIhe;andknewthatIdeservedbetter.
Don'tbescrupulousaboutclothes,ifyouthinkofputtingyourselfintotheprotectionoftheladiesofhisfamily.Theyknowhowmattersstandbetweenyouandyourrelations,andloveyounevertheworseforthesillypeople'scruelty.
Iknowyouwon'tdemandpossessionofyourestate.Butgivehimarighttodemanditforyou;andthatwillbestillbetter.
Adieu,mydear!Mayheavenguideanddirectyouinallyoursteps,isthedailyprayerof
YoureveraffectionateandfaithfulANNAHOWE.
LETTERLI
MR.BELFORD,TOROBERTLOVELACE,ESQ.FRIDAY,APRIL21.
Thou,Lovelace,hastbeenlongtheentertainer;Itheentertained.NorhaveIbeensolicitoustoanimadvert,asthouwentestalong,uponthyinventions,andtheirtendency.ForIbelieved,thatwithallthyairs,theunequalledperfectionsandfinequalitiesofthisladywouldalwaysbeherprotectionandsecurity.ButnowthatIfindthouhastsofarsucceeded,astoinducehertocometotown,andtochooseherlodgingsinahouse,thepeopleofwhichwilltooprobablydampandsuppressanyhonourablemotionswhichmayariseinthymindinherfavour,Icannothelpwriting,andthatprofessedlyinherbehalf.
Myinducementstothisarenotowingtovirtue:Butiftheywere,whathopecouldIhaveofaffectingtheebypleasarisingfromit?
Norwouldsuchamanasthouartbedeterred,wereItoremindtheeofthevengeancewhichthoumayestonedayexpect,ifthouinsultestawomanofhercharacter,family,andfortune.
Neitheraregratitudeandhonourmotivestobementionedinawoman'sfavour,tomensuchasweare,whoconsiderallthoseofthesexasfairprize,overhonour,inthegeneralacceptationoftheword,aretwothings.
Whatthenismymotive?--What,butthetruefriendshipthatIbearthee,Lovelace;whichmakesmepleadthyownsake,andthyfamily'ssake,inthejusticethouowesttothisincomparablecreature;who,however,sowelldeservestohavehersaketobementionedastheprincipalconsideration.
LasttimeIwasatM.Hall,thynobleunclesoearnestlypressedmetousemyinteresttopersuadetheetoenterthepale,andgavemesomanyfamilyreasonsforit,thatIcouldnothelpengagingmyselfheartilyonhissideofthequestion;andtherather,asIknewthatthyown
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intentionswithregardtothisfinewomanwerethenworthyofher.AndofthisIassuredhisLordship;whowashalfafraidofthee,becauseoftheillusagethoureceivedstfromherfamily.Butnow,thatthecaseisaltered,letmepressthematterhometotheefromotherconsiderations.
BywhatIhaveheardofthislady'sperfectionsfromeverymouth,aswellasfromthine,andfromeveryletterthouhastwritten,wherewiltthoufindsuchanotherwoman?Andwhyshouldstthoutempthervirtue?--Whyshouldstthouwishtotrywherethereisnoreasontodoubt?
WereIinthycase,anddesignedtomarry,andifIpreferredawomanasIknowthoudostthistoallthewomenintheworld,Ishouldreadtomakefurthertrial,knowingwhatweknowofthesex,forfearofsucceeding;andespeciallyifIdoubtednot,thatiftherewereawomanintheworldvirtuousatheart,itisshe.
Andletmetellthee,Lovelace,thatinthislady'ssituation,thetrialisnotafairtrial.Consideringthedepthofthyplotsandcontrivances:consideringtheopportunitieswhichIseethoumusthavewithher,inspiteofherownheart;allherrelations'folliesactinginconcert,thoughunknowntothemselves,withthywicked,scheminghead:consideringhowdestituteofprotectionsheis:consideringthehousesheistobein,whereshewillbesurroundedwiththyimplements;
specious,well-bredandgenteelcreatures,noteasilytobedetectedwhentheyaredisposedtopreserveappearances,especiallybytheyounginexperiencedladywhollyunacquaintedwiththetown:consideringallthesethings,Isay,whatglory,whatcauseoftriumphwiltthouhave,ifsheshouldbeovercome?--Thou,too,amanbornforintrigue,fullofinvention,intrepid,remorseless,ablepatientlytowatchforthyopportunity,nothurried,asmostmen,bygustsofviolentpassion,whichoftennipaprojectinthebud,andmakethesnail,thatwasjustputtingouthishornstomeettheinviter,withdrawintoitsshell--amanwhohasnoregardtohiswordoroathtothesex;theladyscrupulouslystricttoherword,incapableofartordesign;aptthereforetobelievewellofothers--itwouldbeamiracleifshestoodsuchanattempter,suchattempts,andsuchsnares,asIseewillbe
laidforher.And,afterall,Iseenotwhenmenaresofrailwithoutimportunity,thatsomuchshouldbeexpectedfromwomen,daughtersofthesamefathersandmothers,andmadeupofthesamebrittlecompounds,(educationallthedifference,)norwherethetriumphisinsubduingthem.
MaytherenotbeotherLovelaces,thouaskest,who,attractedbyherbeauty,mayendeavourtoprevailwithher?*
*SeeLetterXVIII.ofthisvolume.
No;therecannot,Ianswer,besuchanotherman,person,mind,fortune,andthycharacter,asabovegiven,takenin.Ifthouimaginesttherecould,suchisthypride,thatthouwouldstthinktheworseofthyself.
Butletmetouchuponthypredominantpassion,revenge;forloveisbutsecondtothat,asIhaveoftentoldthee,thoughithassettheeintoravingatme:whatpoorpretencesforrevengearethedifficultiesthouhadstingettingheroff;allowingthatshehadrunarisqueofbeingSolmes'swife,hadshestaid?Iftheseareotherthanpretences,whythankestthounotthosewho,bytheirpersecutionsofher,answeredthy
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hopes,andthrewherintothypower?--Besides,arenotthepretencesthoumakestforfurthertrial,mostungratefully,aswellascontradictorilyfoundeduponthesuppositionoferrorinher,occasionedbyherfavourtothee?
Andletme,fortheutterconfusionofthypoorpleasofthisnature,askthee--Wouldshe,inthyopinion,hadshewillinglygoneoffwiththee,havebeenentitledtobetterquarter?--Foramistressindeedshemight:buthowwouldstthouforawifehavehadcausetolikeherhalfsowellasnow?
Hasshenotdemonstrated,thateventhehighestprovocationswerenotsufficienttowarpherfromherdutytoherparents,thoughanative,and,asImaysay,anoriginallyinvoluntaryduty,becausenative?Andisnotthisacharmingearnestthatshewillsacredlyobserveastillhigherdutyintowhichsheproposestoenter,whenshedoesenter,byplightedvows,andentirelyasavolunteer?
Thatshelovesthee,wickedasthouart,andcruelasapanther,thereisnoreasontodoubt.Yet,whatacommandhassheoverherself,thatsuchapenetratingself-flattererasthyselfissometimesreadytodoubtit!Thoughpersecutedontheonehand,asshewas,byherownfamily,andattracted,ontheother,bythesplendourofthine;everyoneofwhomcourtshertorankherselfamongthem!
ThouwiltperhapsthinkthatIhavedepartedfrommyproposition,andpleadedthelady'ssakemorethanthine,intheabove--butnosuchthing.AllthatIhavewrittenismoreinthybehalfthaninher's;sinceshemaymaketheehappy;butitisnexttoimpossible,Ishouldthink,ifshepreserveherdelicacy,thatthoucanstmakeherso.Whatistheloveofarakishheart?Therecannotbepeculiarityinit.ButIneednotgivemyfurtherreasons.Thouwilthaveingenuousnessenough,Idaresay,werethereoccasionforit,tosubscribetomyopinion.
Ipleadnotforthestatefromanygreatlikingtoitmyself.NorhaveI,atpresent,thoughtsofenteringintoit.But,asthouartthelastofthyname;asthyfamilyisofnoteandfigureinthycountry;andas
thouthyselfthinkestthatthoushaltonedaymarry:Isitpossible,letmeaskthee,thatthoucansthavesuchanotheropportunityasthounowhast,ifthoulettestthisslip?Awomaninherfamilyandfortunenotunworthyofthineown(thoughthouartsoapt,fromprideofancestry,andprideofheart,tospeakslightlyofthefamiliesthoudislikest);socelebratedforbeauty;andsonotedatthesametimeforprudence,forsoul,(Iwillsay,insteadofsense,)andforvirtue?
Ifthouartnotsonarrow-mindedanelf,astopreferthineownsinglesatisfactiontoposterity,thou,whoshouldstwishtobegetchildrenforduration,wiltnotpostponetilltherake'susualtime;thatistosay,tilldiseasesoryears,orboth,layholdofthee;sinceinthatcasethouwouldstentitlethyselftothecursesofthylegitimateprogeny
forgivingthemabeingaltogethermiserable:abeingwhichtheywillbeobligedtoholduponaworsetenurethanthattenant-courtesy,whichthoucallesttheworst;*towit,upontheDoctor'scourtesy;thydescendantsalsopropagating(iftheyshalllive,andbeabletopropagate)awretchedrace,thatshallentailthecurse,orthereasonforit,uponremotegenerations.
Wickedasthesoberworldaccountsyouandme,wehavenotyet,itistobehoped,gotoverallcompunction.Althoughwefindreligionagainstus,wehavenotyetpresumedthosewhodo.Andweknowbetterthanto
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beevendoubters.Inshort,webelieveafuturestateofrewardsandpunishments.Butaswehavesomuchyouthandhealthinhand,wehopetohavetimeforrepentance.Thatistosay,inplainEnglish,[northinkthoumetoograve,Lovelace:thouartgravesometimes,thoughnotoften,]wehopetolivetosense,aslongassensecanrelish,andpurposetoreformwhenwecansinnolonger.
Andshallthisadmirablewomansufferforhergenerousendeavourstosetonfootthyreformation;andforinsistinguponproofsofthesincerityofthyprofessionsbeforeshewillbethine?
Uponthewholematter,letmewishtheetoconsiderwellwhatthouartabout,beforethougoestastepfartherinthepathwhichthouhastchalkedoutforthyselftotread,andartjustgoingtoenterupon.Hithertoallissofarright,thatiftheladymistruststhyhonour,shehasnoproofs.Behonesttoher,then,inhersenseoftheword.Noneofthycompanions,thouknowest,willoffertolaughatwhatthoudost.Andiftheyshould(ofthyenteringintoastatewhichhasbeensomuchridiculedbythee,andbyallofus)thouhastoneadvantage--itisthis,thatthoucanstnotbeashamed.
Deferringtothepost-daytoclosemyletter,IfindoneleftatmycousinOsgood's,withdirectionstobeforwardedtothelady.Itwasbroughtwithinthesetwohoursbyaparticularhand,andhasa
Harlowe-sealuponit.Asitmaythereforebeofimportance,Idispatchitwithmyown,bymyservant,post-haste.*
*ThisletterwasfromMissArabellaHarlowe.SeeLet.LV.
Isupposeyouwillsoonbeintown.Withoutthelady,Ihope.Farewell.
Behonest,andbehappy,J.BELFORD.
SAT.APRIL22.
LETTERLII
MRS.HERVEY,TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWE[INANSWERTOLETTERXVIII.]
DEARNIECE,
Itwouldbehardnottowriteafewlines,somuchpressedtowrite,tooneIeverloved.YourformerletterIreceived;yetwasnotatlibertytoanswerit.Ibreakmywordtoansweryounow.
Strangeinformationsareeverydayreceivedaboutyou.Thewretchyouarewith,wearetold,iseveryhourtriumphinganddefying--Mustnottheseinformationsaggravate?Youknowtheuncontroulablenessoftheman.Heloveshisownhumourbetterthanhelovesyou--thoughsofineacreatureasyouare!Iwarnedyouoverandover:noyoungladywasevermorewarned!--MissClarissaHarlowetodosuchathing!
Youmighthavegivenyourfriendsthemeeting.Ifyouhadheldyouraversion,itwouldhavebeencompliedwith.AssoonasIwasintrusted
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myselfwiththeirintentiontogiveupthepoint,Igaveyouahint--adarkoneperhaps*--butwhowouldhavethought--OMiss!--Suchanartfulflight!--Suchcunningpreparations!
Butyouwanttoclearupthings--whatcanyouclearup?Areyounotgoneoff?--WithaLovelacetoo?What,mydear,wouldyouclearup?
Youdidnotdesigntogo,yousay.Whydidyoumeethimthen,chariotandsix,horsemen,allpreparedbyhim?Omydear,howartproducesart!--Willitbebelieved?--Ifitwould,whatpowerwillhebethoughttohavehadoveryou!--He--Who?--Lovelace!--Thevilestoflibertines!--Overwhom?AClarissa!--Wasyourloveforsuchamanaboveyourreason?Aboveyourresolution?Whatcreditwouldabeliefofthis,ifbelieved,bringyou?--Howmendthematter?--Oh!thatyouhadstoodthenextmorning!
I'lltellyouallthatwasintendedifyouhad.
Itwas,indeed,imaginedthatyouwouldnothavebeenabletoresistyourfather'sentreatiesandcommands.Hewasresolvedtobeallcondescension,ifanewyouhadnotprovokedhim.IlovemyClaryHarlowe,saidhe,butanhourbeforethekillingtidingswerebroughthim;Iloveherasmylife:Iwillkneeltoher,ifnothingelsewilldo,toprevailuponhertoobligeme.
Yourfatherandmother(thereverseofwhatshouldhavebeen!)wouldhavehumbledthemselvestoyou:andifyoucouldhavedeniedthem,andrefusedtosignthesettlementsprevioustothemeeting,theywouldhaveyielded,althoughwithregret.
Butitwaspresumed,sonaturallysweetyourtemper,soself-denyingastheythoughtyou,thatyoucouldnothavewithstoodthem,notwithstandingallyourdislikeoftheoneman,withoutagreaterdegreeofheadstrongpassionfortheother,thanyouhadgivenanyofusreasontoexpectfromyou.
Ifyouhad,themeetingonWednesdaywouldhavebeenalightertrialto
you.Youwouldhavebeenpresentedtoallyourassembledfriends,withashortspeechonly,'Thatthiswastheyoungcreature,tillverylatelyfaultless,condescending,andobliging;nowhavingcausetogloryinatriumphoverthewillsoffather,mother,uncles,themostindulgent;overfamily-interests,family-views;andpreferringherownwilltoeverybody's!andthisforatransitorypreferencetopersononly;therebeingnocomparisonbetweenthemenintheirmorals.'
Thuscompliedwith,andperhapsblessed,byyourfatherandmother,andtheconsequencesofyourdisobediencedeprecatedinthesolemnestmannerbyyourinimitablemother,yourgenerositywouldhavebeenappealedto,sinceyourdutywouldhavebeenfounttooweakaninducement,andyouwouldhavebeenbidtowithdrawforonehalfhour'sconsideration.Then
wouldthesettlementshavebeenagaintenderedforyoursigning,bythepersonleastdisobligingtoyou;byyourgoodNortonperhaps;sheperhapssecondedbyyourfatheragain;and,ifagainrefused,youwouldhaveagainhavebeenledintodeclaresuchyourrefusal.Somerestrictionswhichyouyourselfhadproposed,wouldhavebeeninsistedupon.Youwouldhavebeenpermittedtogohomewithme,orwithyouruncleAntony,(withwhichofuswasnotagreedupon,becausetheyhopedyoumightbepersuaded,)theretostaytillthearrivalofyourcousinMorden;ortillyourfathercouldhavebornetoseeyou;ortillassuredthattheviewsofLovelacewereatanend.
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Thistheintention,yourfathersosetuponyourcompliance,somuchinhopesthatyouwouldhaveyielded,thatyouwouldhavebeenprevaileduponbymethodssocondescendingandsogentle;nowonderthathe,inparticular,waslikeadistractedman,whenheheardofyourflight--ofyourflightsopremeditated;--withyourivysummer-housedinings,yourartstoblindme,andallofus!--Naughty,naughty,youngcreature!
I,formypart,wouldnotbelieveit,whentoldofit.YouruncleHerveywouldnotbelieveit.Weratherexpected,weratherfeared,astillmoredesperateadventure.Therecouldbebutonemoredesperate;andIwasreadiertohavethecascaderesortedto,thanthegardenback-door.--Yourmotherfaintedaway,whileherheartwastornbetweenthetwoapprehensions.--Yourfather,poorman!yourfatherwasbesidehimselffornearanhour--Whatimprecations!--Whatdreadfulimprecations!--Tothisdayhecanhardlybearyourname:yetcanthinkofnobodyelse.Yourmerits,mydear,butaggravateyourfault.--Somethingoffreshaggravationeveryhour.--Howcananyfavourbeexpected?
Iamsorryforit;butamafraidnothingyouaskwillbecompliedwith.
Whymentionyou,mydear,thesavingyoufrommortifications,whohavegoneoffwithaman?Whatapoorprideisittostanduponanything
else!
Idarenotopenmylipsinyourfavour.Nobodydare.Yourlettermuststandbyitself.ThishascausedmetosendittoHarlowe-place.Expectthereforegreatseverity.Mayyoubeenabledtosupportthelotyouhavedrawn!Omydear!howunhappyhaveyoumadeeverybody!Canyouexpecttobehappy?Yourfatherwishesyouhadneverbeenborn.Yourpoormother--butwhyshouldIafflictyou?Thereisnownohelp!--Youmustbechanged,indeed,ifyouarenotveryunhappyyourselfinthereflectionsyourthoughtfulmindmustsuggesttoyou.
Youmustnowmakethebestofyourlot.Yetnotmarried,itseems!
Itisinyourpower,yousay,toperformwhateveryoushallundertaketodo.Youmaydeceiveyourself:youhopethatyourreputationandthefavourofyourfriendsmayberetrieved.Never,never,both,Idoubt,ifeither.Everyoffendedperson(andthatisallwholovedyou,andarerelatedtoyou)mustjointorestoreyou:whencanthesebeofonemindinacasesonotoriouslywrong?
Itwouldbeverygrievous,yousay,tobeprecipitateduponmeasuresthatmaymakethedesirablereconciliationmoredifficult.Isitnow,mydear,atimeforyoutobeafraidofbeingprecipitated?Atpresent,ifever,therecanbenothoughtofreconciliation.Theupshotofyourprecipitationmustfirstbeseen.Theremaybemurderyet,asfarasweknow.Willthemanyouarewithpartwillinglywithyou?Ifnot,what
maybetheconsequence?Ifhewill--Lordblessme!whatshallwethinkofhisreasonsforit?--Iwillflythisthought.Iknowyourpurity--But,mydear,areyounotoutofallprotection?--Areyounotunmarried?--Haveyounot(makingyourdailyprayersuseless)thrownyourselfintotemptation?Andisnotthemanthemostwickedofplotters?
Youhavehitherto,yousay,(andIthink,mydear,withanairunbecomingtoyourdeclaredpenitence,)nofaulttofindwiththebehaviourofamanfromwhomeveryevilwasapprehended:likeCaesarto
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theRomanaugur,whichIheardyoutellof,whohadbidhimbewaretheIdesofMarch:theIdesofMarch,saidCaesar,seeingtheauguramongthecrowd,ashemarchedinstatetothesenate-house,fromwhichhewasnevertoreturnalive,theIdesofMarcharecome.Buttheyarenotpast,theaugurreplied.Maketheapplication,mydear:mayyoubeabletomakethisreflectionuponhisgoodbehaviourtothelastofyourknowledgeofhim!Mayhebehavehimselfbettertoyou,thanheeverdidtoanybodyelseoverwhomhehadpower!Amen!
Noanswer,Ibeseechyou.IhopeyourmessengerwillnottellanybodythatIhavewrittentoyou.AndIdaresayyouwillnotshowwhatIhavewrittentoMr.Lovelace--forIhavewrittenwiththelessreserve,dependinguponyourprudence.
Youhavemyprayers.
MyDollyknowsnotthatIwrite:nobodydoes*;notevenMr.Hervey.
*NotwithstandingwhatMrs.Herveyheresays,itwillbehereafterseenthatthissevereletterwaswritteninprivateconcertwiththeimplacableArabella.
Dollywouldhaveseveraltimeswritten:buthavingdefendedyourfaultwithheat,andwithapartialitythatalarmedus,(suchafallasyour's,mydear,mustbealarmingtoallparents,)shehasbeenforbidden,onpainoflosingourfavourforever:andthisatyourfamily'srequest,aswellasbyherfather'scommands.
Youhavethepoorgirl'shourlyprayers,Iwill,however,tellyou,thoughsheknowsnotwhatIdo,aswellasthoseof
Yourtrulyafflictedaunt,D.HERVEY.
FRIDAY,APRIL21.
LETTERLIII
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWE[WITHTHEPRECEDING.]SAT.MORN.APRIL22.
IhavejustnowreceivedtheenclosedfrommyauntHervey.Bepleased,mydear,tokeephersecretofhavingwrittentotheunhappywretchherniece.
ImaygotoLondon,Isee,orwhereIwill.Nomatterwhatbecomesofme.
IwasthewillingertosuspendmyjourneythithertillIheardfromHarlowe-place.Ithought,ifIcouldbeencouragedtohopeforareconciliation,Iwouldletthismansee,thatheshouldnothavemeinhispower,butuponmyownterms,ifatall.
ButIfindImustbehis,whetherIwillornot;andperhapsthroughstillgreatermortificationsthanthosegreatoneswhichIhavealready
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metwith--AndmustIbesoabsolutelythrownuponaman,withwhomIamnotatallsatisfied!
Myletterissent,yousee,toHarlowe-place.Myheartachesforthereceptionitmaymeetwiththere.
Onecomfortonlyarisestomefromitsbeingsent;thatmyauntwillclearherself,bythecommunication,fromthesuppositionofhavingcorrespondedwiththepoorcreaturewhomtheyhavealldeterminetoreprobate.ItisnosmallpartofmymisfortunethatIhaveweakenedtheconfidenceonedearfriendhasinanother,andmadeonelookcooluponanother.MypoorcousinDolly,yousee,hasreasontoregretonthisaccount,aswellasmyaunt.MissHowe,mydearMissHowe,isbuttoosensibleoftheeffectsofmyfault,havinghadmorewordswithhermotheronmyaccount,thanevershehadonanyother.YetthemanwhohasdrawnmeintoallthisevilImustbethrownupon!--MuchdidIconsider,muchdidIapprehend,beforemyfault,supposingIweretobeguiltyofit:butIsawitnotinallitsshockinglights.
Andnow,toknowthatmyfather,anhourbeforehereceivedthetidingsofmysupposedflight,ownedthathelovedmeashislife:thathewouldhavebeenallcondescension:thathewould--Oh!mydear,howtender,howmortifyinglytendernowinhim!Myauntneednothavebeenafraid,thatitshouldbeknownthatshehassentmesuchaletterasthis!--Afather
tokneeltohischild!--Therewouldnotindeedhavebeenanybearingofthat!--WhatIshouldhavedoneinsuchacase,Iknownot.Deathwouldhavebeenmuchmorewelcometomethansuchasight,onsuchanoccasion,inbehalfofamansovery,verydisgustfultome!--ButIhaddeserveannihilation,hadIsufferedmyfathertokneelinvain.
Yet,hadbutthesacrificeofinclinationandpersonalpreferencebeenall,lessthanKNEELINGshouldhavebeendone.Mydutyshouldhavebeentheconquerorofmyinclination.Butanaversion--anaversionsoverysincere!--Thetriumphofacruelandambitiousbrother,eversouncontroulable,joinedwiththeinsultsofanenvioussister,bringingwillstotheirs,whichotherwisewouldhavebeenfavourabletome:themarriage-duties,soabsolutelyindispensable,sosolemnlytobeengaged
for:themarriage-intimacies(permitmetosaytoyou,myfriend,whatthepurest,althoughwithapprehension,mustthinkof)soveryintimate:myselfonewhohasneverlookeduponanyduty,muchlessavoluntary-vowedone,withindifference;couldithavebeenhonestinmetohavegivenmyhandtoanodioushand,andtohaveconsentedtosuchamorethanreluctant,suchanimmiscibleunion,ifImaysocallit?--Forlifetoo!--DidnotIthinkmoreanddeeperthanmostyoungcreaturesthink;didInotweigh,didInotreflect,Imightperhapshavebeenlessobstinate.--Delicacy,(mayIpresumetocallit?)thinking,weighing,reflection,arenotblessings(Ihenotfoundthemsuch)inthedegreeIhavethem.IwishIhadbeenable,insomeverynicecases,tohaveknownwhatindifferencewas;yetnottohavemyignoranceimputabletomeasafault.Oh!mydear!thefinersensibilities,ifI
maysupposeminetobesuch,makenothappy.
Whatamethodhadmyfriendsintendedtotakewithme!This,Idaresay,wasamethodchalkedoutbymybrother.He,Isuppose,wastohavepresentedmetoallmyassembledfriends,asthedaughtercapableofpreferringherownwilltothewillsofthemall.Itwouldhavebeenasoretrial,nodoubt.WouldtoHeaven,however,Ihadstoodit--lettheissuehavebeenwhatitwould,wouldtoHeavenIhadstoodit!
Theremaybemurder,myauntsays.Thislooksasifsheknewof
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Singleton'srashplot.Suchanupshot,asshecallsit,ofthisunhappyaffair,Heavenavert!
Shefliesathought,thatIcanlessdwellupon--acruelthought--butshehasapooropinionofthepurityshecomplimentsmewith,ifshethinksthatIamnot,byGod'sgrace,abovetemptationfromthissex.AlthoughIneversawaman,whosepersonIcouldlike,beforethisman;yethisfaultycharacterallowedmebutlittlemeritfromtheindifferenceIpretendedtoonhisaccount.But,nowIseehiminnearerlights,Ilikehimlessthanever.Unpolite,cruel,insolent!--Unwise!Atriflerwithhisownhappiness;thedestroyerofmine!--Hislasttreatment--myfatetoovisiblyinhispower--masterofhisownwishes,[shametosayit,]ifheknewwhattowishfor.--IndeedIneverlikedhimsolittleasnow.Uponmyword,IthinkIcouldhatehim,(ifIdonotalreadyhatehim)soonerthananymanIeverthoughttolerablyof--agoodreasonwhy:becauseIhavebeenmoredisappointedinmyexpectationsofhim;althoughtheyneverweresohigh,astohavemadehimmychoiceinpreferencetothesinglelife,hadthatbeenpermittedme.Still,ifthegivinghimupforeverwillmakemypathtoreconciliationeasy,andiftheywillsignifyasmuchtome,theyshallseethatIneverwillbehis:forIhavethevanitytothinkmysoulhissoul'ssuperior.
YouwillsayIrave:forbiddentowritetomyaunt,andtaughtto
despairofreconciliation,you,mydear,mustbetroubledwithmypassionateresentments.WhatawretchwasItogivehimameeting,sincebythatIputitoutofmypowertomeetmyassembledfriends!--Allwouldnow,ifIhadmetthem,beenover;andwhocantellwhenmypresentdistresseswill?--Ridofbothmen,IhadbeennowperhapsatmyauntHervey'soratmyuncleAntony's;wishingformycousinMorden'sarrival,whomighthaveaccommodatedall.
Iintended,indeed,tohavestoodit:And,ifIhad,howknowIbywhosenameImightnowhavebeencalled?ForhowshouldIhaveresistedacondescending,akneelingfather,hadhebeenabletohavekepthistemperwithme?
Yetmyauntsayhewouldhaverelented,ifIhadnot.Perhapshewouldhavebeenmovedbymyhumility,beforehecouldhaveshownsuchunduecondescension.Suchtemperashewouldhavereceivedmewithmighthavebeenimproveduponinmyfavour.Andthathehaddesignedultimatelytorelent,howitclearsmyfriends(atleasttothemselves)andcondemnsme!Owhyweremyaunt'shints(Irememberthemnow)soverydark?--YetIintendedtohavereturnedaftertheinterview;andthenperhapsshewouldhaveexplainedherself.--Othisartful,thisdesigningLovelace--yetImustrepeat,thatmostoughtItoblamemyselfformeetinghim.
Butfar,far,bebanishedfrommefruitlessrecrimination!Farbanished,becausefruitless!Letmewrapmyselfaboutinthemantleofmyown
integrity,andtakecomfortinmyunfaultyintention!Sinceitisnowtoolatetolookback,letmecollectallmyfortitude,andendeavourtostandthoseshaftsofangryProvidence,whichitwillnotpermitmetoshun!That,whateverthetrialsmaybewhichIamdestinedtoundergo,Imaynotbehaveunworthilyinthem,andmaycomeoutamendedbythem.
Joinwithmeinthisprayer,mybelovedfriend;foryourownhonour'ssake,aswellasforlove'ssake,joinwithmeinit;lestadeviationonmysideshould,withthecensorious,castashadeuponafriendshipwhichhasnolevityinit;andthebasisofwhichisimprovement,as
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wellinthegreateraslesserduties.
CL.HARLOWE.
LETTERLIV
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWESATURDAYAFTERNOON,APRIL22.
Omybest,myonlyfriend!Nowindeedismyheartbroken!Ithasreceivedablowitneverwillrecover.Thinknotofcorrespondingwithawretchwhonowseemsabsolutelydevoted.Howcanitbeotherwise,ifaparent'scurseshavetheweightIalwaysattributedtothem,andhaveheardsomanyinstancesinconfirmationofthatweight!--Yes,mydearMissHowe,superaddedtoallmyafflictions,Ihavetheconsequencesofafather'scursetostrugglewith!HowshallIsupportthisreflection!--Mypastandmypresentsituationsomuchauthorizingmyapprehensions!
Ihave,atlast,aletterfrommyunrelentingsister.WouldtoHeavenIhadnotprovokeditbymysecondlettertomyauntHervey!Itlayready
forme,itseems.Thethunderslept,tillIawakenedit.Ienclosetheletteritself.TranscribeitIcannot.Thereisnobearingthethoughtsofit:for[shockingreflection!]thecurseextendstothelifebeyondthis.
Iaminthedepthofvapourishdespondency.Icanonlyrepeat--shun,fly,correspondnotwithawretchsodevotedas
CL.HARLOWE.
LETTERLV
TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWETOBELEFTATMR.OSGOOD'S,NEARSOHO-SQUAREFRIDAY,APRIL21.
Itwasexpectedyouwouldsendagaintome,ortomyauntHervey.Theenclosedhaslainreadyforyou,therefore,bydirection.Youwillhavenoanswerfromanybody,writetowhomyouwill,andasoftenasyouwill,andwhatyouwill.
Itwasdesignedtobringyoubackbyproperauthority,ortosendyouwhitherthedisgracesyouhavebroughtuponusallshouldbeinthe
likeliestway,afterawhile,tobeforgotten.ButIbelievethatdesignisover:soyoumayrangesecurely--nobodywillthinkitworthwhiletogivethemselvesanytroubleaboutyou.Yetmymotherhasobtainedleavetosendyouyourclothesofallsorts:butyourclothesonly.Thisisafavouryou'llseebythewithinletternotdesignedyou:andnownotgrantedforyoursake,butbecausemypoormothercannotbearinhersightanythingyouusedtowear.Readtheenclosed,andtremble.
ARABELLAHARLOWE.
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TOTHEMOSTUNGRATEFULANDUNDUTIFULOFDAUGHTERSHARLOWE-PLACE,APRIL15.
SISTERTHATWAS!
ForIknownotwhatnameyouarepermitted,orchoosetogoby.
Youhavefilledusallwithdistraction.Myfather,inthefirstagitationsofhismind,ondiscoveringyourwicked,yourshamefulelopement,imprecatedonhiskneesafearfulcurseuponyou.Trembleattherecitalofit!--Noless,than'thatyoumaymeetyourpunishmentbothhereandhereafter,bymeansoftheverywretchinwhomyouhavechosentoplaceyourwickedconfidence.'
Yourclotheswillnotbesentyou.Youseen,byleavingthembehindyou,tohavebeensecureofthem,wheneveryoudemandedthem,butperhapsyoucouldthinkofnothingbutmeetingyourfellow:--nothingbuthowtogetoffyourforwardself!--Foreverythingseemstohavebeenforgottenbutwhatwastocontributetoyourwickedflight.--Yetyoujudgedright,perhaps,thatyouwouldhavebeendetectedhadyouendeavouredtogetawaywithyourclothes.--Cunningcreature!nottomakeonestepthatwewouldguessatyouby!Cunningtoeffectyourownruin,andthedisgraceofallthefamily!
Butdoesthewretchputyouuponwritingforyourthings,forfearyoushouldbetooexpensivetohim?--That'sit,Isuppose.
Wasthereeveragiddiercreature?--Yetthisisthecelebrated,theblazingClarissa--Clarissawhat?Harlowe,nodoubt!--AndHarloweitwillbe,tothedisgraceofusall!
Yourdrawingsandyourpiecesarealltakendown;asisalsoyourwhole-lengthpicture,intheVandyketaste,fromyourlateparlour:theyaretakendown,andthrownintoyourcloset,whichwillbenailedup,asifitwerenotapartofthehouse,theretoperishtogether:Forwhocanbeartoseethem?Yet,howdidtheyusetobeshowntoeverybody:
theformer,forthemagnifyingofyourdaintyfinger-works;thelatter,fortheimputeddignity(dignitynowinthedust!)ofyourboastedfigure;andthisbythosefondparentsfromwhomyouhaverunawaywithsomuch,yetwithsolittlecontrivance!
Mybrothervowsrevengeuponyourlibertine--forthefamily'ssakehevowsit--notforyours!--forhewilltreatyou,hedeclares,likeacommoncreature,ifeverheseesyou:anddoubtsnotthatthiswillbeyourfate.
MyuncleHarlowerenouncesyouforever.
SodoesmyuncleAntony.
SodoesmyauntHervey.
SodoI,base,unworthycreature!thedisgraceofagoodfamily,andthepropertyofaninfamousrake,asquestionlessyouwillsoonfindyourself,ifyouarenotalready.
Yourbooks,sincetheyhavenottaughtyouwhatbelongstoyourfamily,toyoursex,andtoyoureducation,willnotbesenttoyou.Yourmoneyneither.Noryetthejewelssoundeservedlymadeyours.Foritiswished
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youmaybeseenabeggaralongLondon-streets.
Ifallthisisheavy,layyourhandtoyourheart,andaskyourself,whyyouhavedeservedit?
Everymanwhomyourpridetaughtyoutorejectwithscorn(Mr.Solmesexcepted,who,however,hasreasontorejoicethathemissedyou)triumphsinyourshamefulelopement,andnowknowshowtoaccountforhisbeingrefused.
YourworthyNortonisashamedofyou,andmingleshertearswithyourmother's;bothreproachingthemselvesfortheirsharesinyou,andinsofruitlessaneducation.
Everybody,inshort,isashamedofyou:butnonemorethan
ARABELLAHARLOWE.
LETTERLVI
MISSHOWE,TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWETUESDAY,APRIL25.
Becomforted;benotdejected;donotdespond,mydearestandbest-belovedfriend.GodAlmightyisjustandgracious,andgivesnothisassenttorashandinhumancurses.CanyouthinkthatHeavenwillsealtotheblackpassionsofitsdepravedcreatures?Ifitdid,malice,envy,andrevengewouldtriumph;andthebestofthehumanrace,blastedbythemalignityoftheworst,wouldbemiserableinbothworlds.
Thisoutrageousnessshowsonlywhatmannerofspirittheyareof,andhowmuchtheirsordidviewsexceedtheirparentallove.'Tisallowingtorageanddisappointment--disappointmentindesignspropertobefrustrated.
Ifyouconsiderthismaledictionasitoughttobeconsidered,apersonofyourpietymustandwillratherpityandprayforyourrashfather,thanterrifyyourselfontheoccasion.NonebugGodcancurse;parentsorothers,whoevertheybe,canonlypraytoHimtocurse:andsuchprayerscanhavenoweightwithajustandall-perfectBeing,themotivestowhichareunreasonable,andtheendproposedbythemcruel.
HasnotGodcommandedustoblessandcursenot?Prayforyourfather,then,Irepeat,thatheincurnotthemaledictionhehasannouncedonyou;sincehehasbroken,asyousee,acommandtrulydivine;whileyou,byobeyingthatotherpreceptwhichenjoinsustoprayforthemthatpersecuteandcurseus,willturnthecurseintoablessing.
Mymotherblamesthemforthiswickedletterofyoursister;andshepitiesyou;and,ofherownaccord,wishedmetowritetocomfortyou,forthisonce:forshesays,itispityyourheart,whichwassonoble,(andwhenthesenseofyourfault,andtheweightofaparent'scursearesostronguponyou,)shouldbequitebroken.
Lordblessme,howyourauntwrites!--Cantherebetworightsandtwowrongsinpalpablecases!--But,mydear,shemustbewrong:sotheyallhavebeen,justifythemselvesnowastheywill.Theycanonlyjustify
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themselvestothemselvesfromselfishprinciples,resolvingtoacquit,notfairlytotrythemselves.Didyourunkindaunt,inallthetediousprogressofyourcontentionswiththem,giveyoutheleasthopeoftheirrelenting?--HerdarkhintsnowIrecollectaswellasyou.Butwhywasanythinggoodorhopefultobedarklyhinted?--Howeasywasitforher,whopretendedalwaystoloveyou;forher,whocangivesuchflowinglicensetoherpenforyourhurt;tohavegivenyouoneword,oneline(inconfidence)oftheirpretendedchangeofmeasures!
Butdonotmindtheirafter-pretences,mydear--allofthemservebutfortacitconfessionsoftheirvileusageofyou.Iwillkeepyouraunt'ssecret,neverfear.Iwouldnot,onanyconsideration,thatmymothershouldseeherletter.
Youwillnowseethatyouhavenothingleftbuttoovercomeallscrupulousness,andmarryassonasyouhaveanopportunity.Determinetodoso,mydear.
Iwillgiveyouamotiveforit,regardingmyself.ForthisIhaveresolved,andthisIhavevowed,[Ofriend,thebestbelovedofmyheart,benotangrywithmeforit!]'Thatsolongasyourhappinessisinsuspence,Iwillneverthinkofmarrying.'InjusticetothemanIshallhave,Ihavevowedthis:for,mydear,mustInotbemiserable,ifyouareso?AndwhatanunworthywifemustIbetoanymanwhocannot
haveinterestenoughinmyhearttomakehisobligingnessabalanceforanafflictionhehasnotcaused!
IwouldshowLovelaceyoursister'sabominableletter,wereittome.Iencloseit.Itshallnothaveaplaceinthishouse.Thiswillenterhimofcourseintothesubjectwhichyounowoughttohavemostinview.Lethimseewhatyousufferforhim.Hecannotprovebasetosuchanexcellence.Ishouldneverenjoymyheadormysensesshouldthismanproveavillaintoyou!--Withameritsoexalted,youmayhavepunishmentmorethanenoughforyourinvoluntaryfaultinthathusband.
Iwouldnothaveyoubetoosurethattheirprojecttoseizeyouisover.Thewordsintimatingthatitisover,intheletterofthat
abominableArabella,seemcalculatedtogiveyousecurity.--Sheonlysaysshebelievesthatdesignisover.--AndIdonotyetfindfromMissLloydthatitisdisavowed.Soitwillbebest,whenyouareinLondon,tobeprivate,and,forfearoftheworst,toleteverydirectiontobeathirdplace;forIwouldnot,fortheworld,haveyoufallintothehandsofsuchflamingandmalevolentspiritsbysurprize.
Iwillmyselfbecontenttodirectyouatsomethirdplace;andIshallthenbeabletoavertomymother,ortoanyother,ifoccasionbe,thatIknownotwhereyouare.
Besides,thismeasurewillmakeyoulessapprehensiveoftheconsequencesoftheirviolence,shouldtheyresolvetoattempttocarry
youofinspiteofLovelace.
IwouldhaveyoudirecttoMr.Hickman,evenyouranswertothis.Ihaveareasonforit.Besides,mymother,notwithstandingthisparticularindulgence,isverypositive.Theyhaveprevaileduponher,Iknow,togiveherwordtothispurpose--Spiteful,poorwretches!HowIhateinparticularyourfoolishuncleAntony.
Iwouldnothaveyourthoughtdwellonthecontentsofyoursister'sshockingletter;butpursueothersubjects--thesubjectsbeforeyou.
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AndletmeknowyourprogresswithLovelace,andwhathesaystothisdiabolicalcurse.Sofaryoumayenterintothishatefulsubject.Iexpectthatthiswillaptlyintroducethegranttopicbetweenyou,withoutneedingamediator.
Come,mydear,whenthingsareatworsttheywillmend.Goodoftencomeswhenevilisexpected.--Butifyoudespond,therecanbenohopesofcure.Don'tletthembreakyourheart;forthatisplaintome,isnowwhatsomepeoplehaveinviewforyoutodo.
Howpoortowithholdfromyouyourbooks,yourjewels,andyourmoney!Asmoneyisallyoucanatpresentwant,sincetheywillvouchsafetosendyourclothes,Isendfiftyguineasbythebearer,enclosedinsinglepapersinmyNorris'sMiscellanies.Ichargeyou,asyouloveme,returnthemnot.
Ihavemoreatyourservice.So,ifyoulikenotyourlodgingsorhisbehaviourwhenyougettotown,leaveboththemandhimoutofhand.
IwouldadviseyoutowritetoMr.Mordenwithoutdelay.IfheintendsforEngland,itmayhastenhim.Andyouwilldoverywelltillhecancome.But,surelyLovelacewillbeinfatuated,ifhesecurenothishappinessbyyourconsent,beforethatofMr.Morden'sismadeneedfulonhisarrival.
Oncemore,mydear,letmebegofyoutobecomforted.Managewithyourusualprudencethestakebeforeyou,andallwillstillbehappy.Supposeyourselftobeme,andmetobeyou,[youmay--foryourdistressismine,]andthenyouwilladdfulldaytothesebutglimmeringlightswhichareheldouttoyouby
YoureveraffectionateandfaithfulANNAHOWE.
IhurrythisawaybyRobert.Iwillinquireintothetruthofyouraunt'spretencesaboutthechangeofmeasureswhichshesaystheyintendedincaseyouhadnotgoneaway.
LETTERLVII
MISSCLARISSAHARLOWE,TOMISSHOWEWEDNESDAYMORNING,APRIL26.
Yourletter,mybelovedMissHowe,givesmegreatcomfort.HowsweetlydoIexperiencethetruthofthewiseman'sobservation,Thatafaithfulfriendisthemedicineoflife!
YourmessengerfindsmejustsettingoutforLondon:thechaiseatthe
door.AlreadyIhavetakenleaveofthegoodwidow,whohasobligedmewiththecompanyofhereldestdaughter,atMr.Lovelace'srequest,whileheridesbyus.Theyounggentlewomanistoreturnintwoorthreedayswiththechaise,initswaytomyLordM.'sHertfordshireseat.
Ireceivedmysister'sdreadfulletteronSunday,whenMr.Lovelacewasout.Hesaw,onhisreturn,myextremeanguishanddejection;andhewastoldhowmuchworseIhadbeen:forIhadfaintedawaymorethanonce.
Ithinkthecontentsofithavetouchedmyheadaswellasmyheart.
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Hewouldfainhaveseenit.ButIwouldnotpermitthat,becauseofthethreateningshewouldhavefoundinitagainsthimself.Asitwas,theeffectithaduponmemadehimbreakoutintoexecrationsandmenaces.IwassoillthathehimselfadvisedmetodelaygoingtotownonMonday,asIproposedtodo.
Heisextremelyregardfulandtenderofme.Allthatyousupposedwouldfollowtheviolentletter,fromhim,hasfollowedit.Hehasofferedhimselftomyacceptanceinsounreservedamanner,thatIamconcernedIhavewrittensofreelyanddiffidentlyofhim.Pray,mydearestfriend,keeptoyourselfeverythingthatmayappeardisreputableofhimfromme.
Imustacquaintyouthathiskindbehaviour,andmylow-spiritedness,co-operatingwithyourformeradvice,andmyunhappysituation,mademethatverySundayeveningreceiveunreservedlyhisdeclarations:andnowindeedIammoreinhispowerthanever.
Hepressesmeeveryhour(indeedasneedlessly,asunkindly)forfreshtokensofmyesteemforhim,andconfidenceinhim.AndasIhavebeenbroughttosomeverbalconcessions,ifheshouldproveunworthy,IamsureIshallhavegreatreasontoblamethisviolentletter:forIhavenoresolutionatall.Abandonedthusofallmynaturalfriends,ofwhose
returningfavourIhavenownohopes,andonlyyoutopityme,andyourestrained,asImaysay,IhavebeenforcedtoturnmydesolatehearttosuchprotectionasIcouldfind.
Allmycomfortis,thatyouradvicerepeatedlygivenmetothesamepurpose,inyourkindletterbeforeme,warrantsme.InowsetoutthemorecheerfullytoLondononthataccount:for,before,aheavyweighthunguponmyheart;andalthoughIthoughtitbestandsafesttogo,yetmyspiritssunk,Iknownotwhy,ateverymotionImadetowardsapreparationforit.
Ihopenomischiefwillhappenontheroad.--Ihopetheseviolentspiritswillnotmeet.
Everyoneiswaitingforme.--Pardonme,mybest,mykindestfriend,thatIreturnyourNorris.Inthesemorepromisingprospects,Icannothaveoccasionforyourfavour.Besides,IhavesomehopethatwithmyclothestheywillsendmethemoneyIwrotefor,althoughitisdeniedmeintheletter.Iftheydonot,andifIshouldhaveoccasion,Icanbutsignifymywantstosoreadyafriend.AndIhavepromisedtobeobligedonlytoyou.ButIhadrathermethinksyoushouldhaveitstilltosay,ifchallenged,thatnothingofthisnaturehasbeeneitherrequestedordone.Isaythiswithaviewentirelytomyfuturehopesofrecoveringyourmother'sfavour,which,nexttothatofmyownfatherandmother,Iammostsolicitoustorecover.
Imustacquaintyouwitonethingmore,notwithstandingmyhurry;andthatis,thatMr.LovelaceofferedeithertoattendmetoLordM.'s,ortosendforhischaplain,yesterday.Hepressedmetoconsenttothisproposalmostearnestly,andevenseemeddesirousrathertohavetheceremonypassherethanatLondon:forwhenthere,Ihadtoldhim,itwastimeenoughtoconsiderofsoweightyandimportantamatter.Now,uponthereceiptofyourkind,yourconsolatoryletter,methinksIcouldalmostwishithadbeeninmypowertocomplywithhisearnestsolicitations.Butthisdreadfulletterhasunhingedmywholeframe.Thensomelittlepunctiliosurelyisnecessary.Nopreparationmade.
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Noarticlesdrawn.Nolicenseready.Griefsoextreme:nopleasureinprospect,norsomuchasinwish--Omydear,whocouldthinkofenteringintososolemnanengagement?Who,sounprepared,couldseemtobesoready?
IfIcouldflattermyselfthatmyindifferencetoallthejoysofthislifeproceededfrompropermotives,notratherfromthedisappointmentsandmortificationsmypridehasmetwith,howmuchrather,Ithink,shouldIchoosetobeweddedtomyshroudthantoanymanonearth!
IndeedIhaveatpresentnopleasurebutinyourfriendship.Continuethattome,Ibeseechyou.Ifmyheartriseshereaftertoacapacityofmore,itmustbebuiltonthatfoundation.
Myspiritssinkagainonsettingout.Excusethisdepthofvapourishdejection,whichforbidsmeevenhope,thecordialthatkeepslifefromstagnating,andwhichneverwasdeniedmetillwithintheseeight-and-fortyhours.
But'tistimetorelieveyou.
Adieu,mybestbelovedandkindestfriend!PrayforyourCLARISSA.
LETTERLVIII
MISSHOWE,TOMISSCLARISSAHARLOWETHURSDAY,APRIL27.
IamsorryyousentbackmyNorris.Butyoumustbeallowedtodoasyouplease.SomustI,inmyturn.Wemustneitherofus,perhaps,expectabsolutelyoftheotherwhatistherightestthingtobedone:andyetfewfolks,soyoungasweare,betterknowwhattherightestis.Icannotseparatemyselffromyou;althoughIgiveadoubleinstanceofmyvanityinjoiningmyselfwithyouinthisparticularassertion.
Iammostheartilyrejoicedthatyourprospectsaresomuchmended;andthat,asIhoped,goodhasbeenproducedoutofevil.Whatmustthemanhavebeen,whatmusthavebeenhisviews,hadhenottakensuchaturn,uponalettersovile,anduponatreatmentsounnatural,himselfprincipallytheoccasionofit?
Youknowbestyourmotivesforsuspending:butIwishyoucouldhavetakenhimatofferssoearnest.*WhyshouldyounothavepermittedhimtosendforLordM.'schaplain?Ifpunctilioonlywasintheway,andwantofalicense,andofproperpreparations,andsuchlike,myservicetoyou,mydear:andthereisceremonytantamounttoyourceremony.
*Mr.Lovelace,inhisnextLetter,tellshisfriendhowextremelyilltheLadywas,recoveringfromfitstofallintostrongerfits,andnobodyexpectingherlife.Shehadnot,hesays,acquaintedMissHowehowveryillshewas.--InthenextLetter,shetellsMissHowe,thathermotivesforsuspendingwerenotmerelyceremoniousones.
Donot,donot,mydearfriend,againbesoverymelancholyadeclinerastopreferashroud,whenthematteryouwishforisinyourpower;
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andwhen,asyouhavejustlysaidheretofore,personscannotdiewhentheywill.
Butitisastrangeperversenessinhumannaturethatweslightthatwhennearuswhichatadistancewewishfor.
Youhavenowbutonepointtopursue:thatismarriage:letthatbesolemnized.LeavetheresttoProvidence,and,touseyourownwordsinaformerletter,followasthatleads.Youwillhaveahandsomeman,agenteelman;hewouldbeawiseman,ifhewerenotvainofhisendowments,andwildandintriguing:butwhiletheeyesofmanyofoursex,takenbysospeciousaformandsobrilliantaspirit,encouragethatvanity,youmustbecontentedtostaytillgreyhairsandprudenceenteruponthestagetogether.Youwouldnothaveeverythinginthesameman.
IbelieveMr.Hickmantreadsnocrookedpaths;buthehobblesmostungracefullyinastraightone.YetMr.Hickman,thoughhepleasesnotmyeye,nordivertsmyear,willnot,asIbelieve,disgusttheone,norshocktheother.Yourman,asIhavelatelysaid,willalwayskeepupattention;youwillalwaysbealivewithhim,thoughperhapsmorefromfearsthanhopes:whileMr.Hickmanwillneithersayanythingtokeeponeawake,noryet,byshockingadventures,makeone'sslumbersuneasy.
IbelieveInowknowwhichofthetwomensoprudentapersonasyouwould,atfirst,havechosen;nordoubtIthatyoucanguesswhichIwouldhavemadechoiceof,ifImight.Butproudasweare,theproudestofusallcanonlyrefuse,andmanyofusacceptthebuthalf-worthy,forfearastillworseshouldoffer.
Ifmenhadchosentheirmistressesforspiritsliketheirown,althoughMr.Lovelace,atthelongrun,mayhavebeentoomanyforme,Idon'tdoubtbutIshouldhavegivenheart-achforheart-ach,foronehalf-yearatleast;whileyou,withmydull-swift,wouldhaveglidedonasserenely,ascalmly,asunaccountably,asthesucceedingseasons;andvaryingnootherwisethanthey,tobringonnewbeautiesandconvenienciestoallaboutyou.
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Iwasgoingoninthisstyle--butmymotherbrokeinuponmewithaprohibitoryaspect.'Shegavemeleaveforoneletteronly.'--Shehadjustpartedwithyourodiousuncle,andtheyhavebeenincloseconferenceagain.
Shehasvexedme.ImustlaythisbytillIhearfromyouagain,notknowingwhithertosendit.
Directmetoathirdplace,asIdesiredinmyformer.
Itoldmymother(onherchallengingme)thatIwaswritingindeed,andtoyou:butitwasonlytoamusemyself;forIprotestedthatIknewnotwheretosendtoyou.
Ihopethatyournextmayinformmeofyournuptials,althoughthenexttothatweretoacquaintmethathewasthemostungratefullestmonsteronearth;ashemustbe,ifnotthekindesthusbandinit.
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Mymotherhasvexedme.Butso,onrevising,Iwrotebefore.--Butshehasunhingedme,asyoucallit:pretendedtocatechiseHickman,Iassureyou,forcontributingtooursupposedcorrespondence.Catechisedhimseverelytoo,uponmyword!--IbelieveIhaveasneakingkindnessforthesneakingfellow,forIcannotendurethatanybodyshouldtreathimlikeafoolbutmyself.
Ibelieve,betweenyouandme,thegoodladyforgotherself.Iheardherloud.Shepossiblyimaginedthatmyfatherwascometolifeagain.Yetthemeeknessofthemanmighthavesoonconvincedher,Ishouldhavethought;formyfather,itseems,wouldtalkasloudasshe,Isuppose,(thoughwithinafewyardsofeachother,)asifbothwereoutoftheirway,andwerehallooingathalfamile'sdistance,togetinagain.
Iknowyou'llblamemeforthissauciness--butItoldyouIwasvexed;andifIhadnotaspirit,myparentageonbothsidesmightbedoubted.
Youmustnotchidemetooseverely,however,becauseIhavelearnedofyounottodefendmyselfinanerror:andIownIamwrong:andthat'senough:youwon'tbesogenerousinthiscaseasyouareineveryother,ifyoudon'tthinkitis.
Adieu,mydear!Imust,Iwillloveyou,andloveyouforever!Sosubscribesyour
ANNAHOWE.
LETTERLIX
FROMMISSHOWE[ENCLOSEDINTHEABOVE.]THURSDAY,APRIL27.
Ihavebeenmakinginquiry,asItoldyouIwould,whetheryourrelationshadreally(beforeyouleftthem)resolveduponthatchangeof
measureswhichyourauntmentionsinherletter;andbylayingtogetherseveralpiecesofintelligence,somedrawnfrommymother,throughyouruncleAntony'scommunications;somefromMissLloyd,byyoursister's;andsomebyathirdwaythatIshallnottellyouof;Ihavereasontothinkthefollowingatruestateofthecase.
'Thattherewasnointentionofachangeofmeasurestillwithintwoorthreedaysofyourgoingaway.Onthecontrary,yourbrotherandsister,thoughtheyhadnohopeofprevailingwithyouinSolmes'sfavour,wereresolvednevertogiveovertheirpersecutionstilltheyhadpushedyouupontakingsomestep,which,byhelpoftheirgoodoffices,shouldbedeemedinexcusablebythehalf-wittedsoulstheyhadtoplayupon.
'Butthat,atlast,yourmother(tiredwith,and,perhaps,ashamedofthepassivepartshehadacted)thoughtfittodeclaretoMissBell,thatshewasdeterminedtotrytoputanendtothefamilyfeuds,andtogetyouruncleHarlowetosecondherendeavours.
'Thisalarmedyourbrotherandsister,andthenachangeofmeasureswasresolvedupon.Solmes'sofferswere,however,tooadvantageoustobegivenup;andyourfather'scondescensionwasnowtobetheirsoledependence,and(astheygiveitout)thetryingofwhatthatwoulddowithyou,theirlasteffort.'
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Andindeed,mydear,thismusthavesucceeded,Iverilythink,withsuchadaughterastheyhadtodealwith,couldthatfather,whonever,Idaresay,kneeledinhislifebuttohisGod,havesofarcondescendedasyourauntwriteshewould.
Butthen,mydear,whatwouldthishavedone?--PerhapsyouwouldhavegivenLovelacethismeeting,inhopestopacifyhim,andpreventmischief;supposingthattheyhadgivenyoutime,andnothurriedyoudirectlyintothestate.Butifyouhadnotmethim,youseethathewasresolvedtovisitthem,andwellattendedtoo:andwhatmusthavebeentheconsequence?
Sothat,uponthewhole,weknownotbutmattersmaybebestastheyare,howeverdisagreeablethatbestis.
Ihopeyourconsiderateandthoughtfulmindwillmakeagooduseofthishint.Whowouldnotwithpatiencesustainevenagreatevil,ifshecouldpersuadeherselfthatitwaskindlydispensed,inordertopreventastillgreater?--Especially,ifshecouldsitdown,asyoucan,andacquitherownheart?
Permitmeonefurtherobservation--Dowenotsee,fromtheabovestateofthematter,whatmighthavebeendonebeforebytheworthyperson
ofyourfamily,hadsheexertedthemother,inbehalfofachildsomeritorious,yetsomuchoppressed?
Adieu,mydear.Iwillbeeveryours.ANNAHOWE.
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[Clarissa,inheranswertothefirstofthetwolastletters,chidesherfriendforgivingsolittleweighttoheradvice,inrelationtoherbehaviourtohermother.Itmaybepropertoinsertherethefollowingextractsfromthatanswer,thoughalittlebeforethetime.]
Youassume,mydear,saysshe,yourusualandever-agreeablestyleinwhatyouwriteofthetwogentlemen,*andhowunaptlyyouthinktheyhavechosen;Mr.Hickmaninaddressingyou,Mr.Lovelaceme.ButIaminclinabletobelievethat,withaviewtohappiness,howevertwomildtempersmightagree,twohighoneswouldmakesadworkofit,bothatonetimeviolentandunyielding.Youtwomight,indeed,haveraquetedtheballbetwixtyou,asyousay.**ButMr.Hickman,byhisgentlemanners,seemsformedforyou,ifyougonottoofarwithhim.Ifyoudo,itwouldbeatamenessinhimtobearit,whichwouldmakeamanmorecontemptiblethanMr.Hickmancaneverdeservetobemade.Norisitadisgraceforevenabraveman,whoknowswhatawomanistovowtohimafterwards,tobeveryobsequiousbeforehand.
*SeeLetterXXXV.andLetterXXXVI.ofthisvolume.**SeeLetterXXXVI.ofthisvolume.
DoyouthinkitistothecreditofMr.Lovelace'scharacterthathecanbeoffensiveandviolent?--Doeshenot,asallsuchspiritsmust,subjecthimselftothenecessityofmakingsubmissionsforhisexcessesfarmoremortifyingtoaproudhearthanthosecondescensionswhichthe
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high-spiritedaresoapttoimputeasaweaknessofmindinsuchamanasMr.Hickman?
Letmetellyou,mydear,thatMr.Hickmanissuchaoneaswouldratherbearanaffrontfromalady,thanofferonetoher.Hehadrather,Idaresay,thatsheshouldhaveoccasiontoaskhispardonthanheher's.Butmydear,youhaveoutlivedyourfirstpassion;andhadthesecondmanbeenanangel,hewouldnothavebeenmorethanindifferenttoyou.
Mymotivesforsuspending,proceedsshe,werenotmerelyceremoniousones.Iwasreallyveryill.Icouldnotholdupmyhead.Thecontentsofmysister'slettershadpiercedmyheart.Indeed,mydear,Iwasveryill.AndwasI,moreover,tobeasreadytoaccepthisofferasifIwereafraidheneverwouldrepeatit?
Iseewithgreatregretthatyourmammaisstillimmovablybentagainstourcorrespondence.WhatshallIdoaboutit?--Itgoesagainstmetocontinueit,ortowishyoutofavourmewithreturns.--YetIhavesomanagedmymattersthatIhavenofriendbutyoutoadvisewith.Itisenoughtomakeoneindeedwishtobemarriedtothisman,thoughamanoferrors,ashehasworthyrelationsofmyownsex;andIshouldhavesomefriends,Ihope:--andhavingsome,Imighthavemore--forasmoneyissaidtoincreasemoney,sodoesthecountenanceofpersonsofcharacterincreasefriends:whilethedestitutemustbedestitute.--It
goesagainstmyhearttobegofyourtodiscontinuecorrespondingwithme;andyetitisagainstmyconsciencetocarryitonagainstparentalprohibition.ButIdarenotusealltheargumentsagainstitthatIcoulduse--Andwhy?--ForfearIshouldconvinceyou;andyoushouldrejectmeastherestofmyfriendshavedone.Ileavethereforethedeterminationofthispointuponyou.--Iamnot,Ifind,tobetrustedwithit.Butbemineallthefault,andallthepunishment,ifitbepunishable!--Andcertainlyitmust,whenitcanbethecauseoftheletterIhavebeforeme,andwhichImustnofartheranimadvertupon,becauseyouforbidmetodoso.
[Tothesecondletter,amongotherthings,shesays,]
So,mydear,youseemtothinkthattherewasafateinmyerror.Thecordial,theconsideratefriendshipisseenintheobservationyoumakeonthisoccasion.Yetsincethingshavehappenedastheyhave,wouldtoHeavenIcouldhearthatalltheworldacquittedmyfather,or,atleast,mymother!whosecharacter,beforethesefamilyfeudsbrokeout,wasthesubjectofeveryone'sadmiration.Don'tletanybodysayfromyou,sothatitmaycometoherear,thatshemight,fromatimelyexertionofherfinetalents,havesavedherunhappychild.Youwillobserve,mydear,thatinherowngoodtime,whenshesawtherewasnotlikelytobeanendtomybrother'spersecutions,sheresolvedtoexertherself.Butthepragmaticaldaughter,bythefatalmeeting,precipitatedall,andfrustratedherindulgentdesigns.Omylove,Iam
nowconvinced,bydearexperience,thatwhilechildrenaresohappyastohaveparentsorguardianswhomtheymayconsult,theyshouldnotpresume(no,notwiththebestandpurestintentions)tofollowtheirownconceitsinmaterialcases.
Arayofhopeoffuturereconciliationdartsinuponmymind,fromtheintentionyoutellmemymotherhadtoexertherselfinmyfavour,hadInotgoneaway.Andmyhopeisthestronger,asthiscommunicationpointsouttomethatmyuncleHarlowe'sinterestislikely,inmymother'sopinion,tobeofweight,ifitcouldbeengaged.Itwillbehoveme,
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perhaps,toapplytothatdearuncle,ifaproperoccasionoffer.
LETTERLX
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.MONDAY,APRIL24.
Fateisweavingawhimsicalwebforthyfriend;andIseenotbutIshallbeinevitablymanacled.
HerehaveIbeenatwork,dig,dig,dig,likeacunningminer,atonetime,andspreadingmysnares,likeanartfulfowler,atanother,andexultinginmycontrivancestogetthisinimitablecreature,absolutelyintomypower.Everythingmadeforme.Herbrotheranduncleswerebutmypioneers:herfatherstormedasIdirectedhimtostorm:Mrs.HowewasactedbythespringsIsetatwork;herdaughterwasmovingforme,yetimaginedherselfplumbagainstme:andthedearcreatureherselfhadalreadyrunherstubbornneckintomygin,andknewnotthatshewascaught,forIhadnotdrawnmysprindgescloseabouther--Andjustasallthiswascompleted,wouldstthoubelieve,thatIshouldbemyownenemy,andherfriend?ThatIshouldbesototallydivertedfromallmy
favouritepurposes,astoproposetomarryherbeforeIwenttotown,inordertoputitoutofmyownpowertoresumethem.
Whenthouknowestthis,wiltthounotthinkthatmyblackangelplaysmebooty,andhastakenitintohisheadtourgemeontotheindissolubletie,thathemightbemoresureofme(fromthecomplextransgressionstowhichhewillcertainlystimulateme,whenwedded)thanperhapshethoughthecouldbefromthesimplesins,inwhichIhavesolongallowedmyself,thattheyseemtohavethepleaofhabit?
Thouwiltbestillthemoresurprised,whenItellthee,thatthereseemstobeacoalitiongoingforwardbetweentheblackangelsandthewhiteones;forherehasher'sinducedher,inonehour,andbyone
retrogradeaccident,toacknowledgewhatthecharmingcreatureneverbeforeacknowledged,apreferablefavourforme.Sheevenavowsanintentiontobemine.--Mine!withoutreformation-conditions!--Shepermitsmetotalkoflovetoher!--oftheirrevocableceremony!--Yet,anotherextraordinary!postponesthatceremony;choosestosetoutforLondon;andeventogotothewidow'sintown.
Well,buthowcomesallthisabout?methinksthouaskest.--Thou,Lovelace,dealestinwonders,yetaimestnotatthemarvellous!--Howdidallthiscomeabout?
Iwilltellthee--Iwasindangeroflosingmycharmerforever!Shewassoaringupwardtohernativeskies!Shewasgotaboveearth,bymeans
too,oftheearth-born!Andsomethingextraordinarywastobedonetokeepherwithussublunaries.AndwhatsoeffectuallyasthesoothingvoiceofLove,andtheattractingofferofmatrimonyfromamannothated,canfixtheattentionofthemaidenheart,achingwithuncertainty,andbeforeimpatientofthequestionablequestion?
This,inshort,wasthecase:whileshewasrefusingallmannerofobligationtome,keepingmeathaughtydistance,inhopesthathercousinMorden'sarrivalwouldsoonfixherinafullandabsoluteindependenceofme--disgusted,likewise,atheradorer,forholding
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himselfthereinsofhisownpassions,insteadofgivingthemuptohercontroul--shewritesaletter,urgingananswertoaletterbeforesent,forherapparel,herjewels,andsomegold,whichshehadleftbehindher;allwhichwastosaveherpridefromobligation,andtopromotetheindependenceherheartwassetupon.Andwhatfollowedbutashockinganswer,madestillmoreshockingbythecommunicationofafather'scurse,uponadaughterdeservingonlyblessings?--Acurseuponthecurser'sheart,andadoubleoneuponthetransmitter's,thespitefultheenviousArabella!
Absentwhenitcame--onmyreturnIfoundherrecoveringfromfits,againtofallintostrongerfits;andnobodyexpectingherlife;halfadozenmessengersdispatchedtofindmeout.Norwonderatherbeingsoaffected;she,whosefilialpietygaveherdreadfulfaithinafather'scurses;andthecurseofthisgloomytyrantextending(touseherownwords,whenshecouldspeak)tobothworlds--Othatithadturned,inthemomentofitsutterance,toamortalquinsy,and,stickinginhisgullet,hadchokedtheoldexecrator,asawarningtoallsuchunnaturalfathers!
WhatamiscreanthadIbeen,nottohaveendeavouredtobringherback,byalltheendearments,byallthevows,byalltheoffers,thatIcouldmakeher!
Ididbringherback.Morethanafathertoher:forIhavegivenheralifeherunnaturalfatherhadwell-nightakenaway:ShallInotcherishthefruitsofmyownbenefaction?Iwasearnestinmyvowstomarry,andmyardourtourgethepresenttimewasarealardour.Butextremedejection,withamingleddelicacy,thatinherdyingmomentsIdoubtnotshewillpreserve,havecausedhertorefusemethetime,thoughnotthesolemnity;forshehastoldme,thatnowshemustbewhollyinmyprotection[beingdestituteofeveryother!]Moreindebted,still,thyfriend,asthouseest,tohercruelrelations,thantoherself,forherfavour!
ShehaswrittentoMissHoweanaccountoftheirbarbarity!buthasnotacquaintedherhowveryillshewas.
Low,verylow,sheremains;yet,dreadingherstupidbrother'senterprise,shewantstobeinLondon,where,butforthisaccident,and(wouldstthouhavebelievedit?)formypersuasions,seeinghersoveryill,shewouldhavebeenthisnight;andweshallactuallysetoutonWednesdaymorning,ifshebenotworse.
Andnowforafewwordswiththee,ontheheavypreachmentofSaturdaylast.
Thouartapprehensive,thattheladyisnowtrulyindanger;anditisamiracle,thoutellestme,ifshewithstandsuchanattempter!--'Knowingwhatweknowofthesex,thousayest,thoushouldstdread,wertthou
me,tomakefurthertrial,lestthoushouldstsucceed.'And,inanotherplace,tellestme,'Thatthoupleadestnotforthestateforanyfavourthouhastforit.'
Whatanadvocateartthouformatrimony--!
Thouwerteveranunhappyfellowatargument.Doesthetritestuffwithwhichtherestofthyletterabounds,infavourofwedlock,strikewiththeforcethatthiswhichIhavetranscribeddoesagainstit?
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Thoutakestgreatpainstoconvinceme,andthatfromthedistressestheladyisreducedto(chieflybyherfriend'spersecutionsandimplacableness,Ihopethouwiltown,andnotfromme,asyet)thattheproposedtrialwillnotbeafairtrial.Butletmeaskthee,Isnotcalamitythetestofvirtue?Andwouldstthounothavemevaluethischarmingcreatureuponproofofhermerits?--DoInotintendtorewardherbymarriage,ifshestandthatproof?
ButwhyrepeatIwhatIhavesaidbefore?--Turnback,thouegregiousarguer,turnbacktomylongletterofthe13th,*andthouwilttherefindeverysyllableofwhatthouhastwritteneitheransweredorinvalidated.
*SeeLetterXVIII.ofthisvolume.
ButIamnotangrywiththee,Jack.Iloveopposition.Asgoldistriedbyfire,andvirtuebytemptation,soissterlingwitbyopposition.HaveInot,beforethousettestoutasanadvocateformyfair-one,oftenbroughttheein,asmakingobjectionstomyproceedings,fornootherreasonthantoexaltmyselfbyprovingtheeamanofstraw?AsHomerraisesupmanyofhischampions,andgivesthemterriblenames,onlytohavethemknockedontheheadbyhisheroes.
However,taketotheethisonepieceofadvice--Evermorebesureofbeingintheright,whenthoupresumesttositdowntocorrectthymaster.
Andanother,ifthouwilt--Neveroffertoinvalidatetheforcewhichavirtuouseducationoughttohaveinthesex,byendeavouringtofindexcusesfortheirfrailtyfromthefrailtyofours.For,arewenotdevilstoeachother?--Theytemptus--wetemptthem.Becausewemencannotresisttemptation,isthatareasonthatwomenoughtnot,whenthewholeoftheireducationiscautionandwarningagainstourattempts?Donottheirgrandmothersgivethemoneeasyrule--Menaretoask--Womenaretodeny?
Well,buttoreturntomyprincipalsubject;letmeobserve,that,bemyfutureresolutionswhattheywill,astothislady,thecontentsoftheviolentlettershehasreceivedhavesetmeatleastamonthforwardwithher.Icannow,asIhinted,talkofloveandmarriage,withoutcontroulorrestriction;herinjunctionsnomoremyterror.
InthissweetlyfamiliarwayshallwesetouttogetherforLondon.Mrs.Sorlings'seldestdaughter,atmymotion,istoattendherinthechaise,whileIridebywayofescort:forsheisextremelyapprehensiveoftheSingletonplot;andhasengagedmetobeallpatience,ifanythingshouldhappenontheroad.ButnothingIamsurewillhappen:for,byaletterreceivedjustnowfromJoseph,Iunderstand,that
JamesHarlowehasalreadylaidasidehisstupidproject:andthisbytheearnestdesireofallthoseofhisfriendstowhomhehadcommunicatedit;whowereafraidoftheconsequencesthatmightattendit.Butitisnotoverwithme,however;althoughIamnotdeterminedatpresentastotheusesImaymakeofit.
Mybelovedtellsme,sheshallhaveherclothessenther.Shehopesalsoherjewels,andsomegold,whichsheleftbehindher:butJosephsays,clothesonlywillbesent.Iwillnot,however,tellherthat:onthecontrary,Isay,thereisnodoubtbuttheywillsendallshewrote
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for.Thegreaterherdisappointmentfromthem,thegreatermustbeherdependenceonme.
But,afterall,IhopeIshallbeenabledtobehonesttoameritsotranscendent.Thedeviltakethee,though,forthyopinion,givensomal-a-propos,thatshemaybeovercome.
Ifthoudesignesttobehonest,methinkstthousayest,WhyshouldnotSingleton'splotbeoverwiththee,asitiswithherbrother?
Because(ifImustanswerthee)wherepeoplearesomodestlydoubtfulofwhattheyareabletodo,itisgoodtoleavealoop-hole.And,letmeadd,thatwhenaman'sheartissetuponapoint,andanythingoccurstobeathimoff,hewillfinditverydifficult,whenthesuspendingreasonceases,toforbearresumingit.
LETTERLXI
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.TUESDAY,APRIL25.
AllhandsatworkinpreparationforLondon.--Whatmakesmyheartbeatsostrong?Whyrisesittomythroatinsuchhalf-chokingflutters,whenIthinkofwhatthisremovalmaydoforme?Iamhithertoresolvedtobehonest,andthatincreasesmywonderattheseinvoluntarycommotions.'Tisaplottingvillainofaheart:iteverwas--andeverwillbe,Idoubt.Suchajoywhenanyrogueryisgoingforward!--Isolittleitsmaster!--Ahead,likewise,sowellturnedtoanswerthetriangularvarlet'simpulses!--Nomatter--Iwillhaveonestrugglewiththee,oldfriend;andifIcannotovercometheenow,Ineverwillagainattempttoconquerthee.
Thedearcreaturecontinuesextremelylowanddejected.Tenderblossom!howunfittocontendwiththerudeandrufflingwindsofpassion,and
haughtyandinsolentcontrol!--Nevertillnowfromunderthewing(itisnotenoughtosayofindulging,but)ofadmiringparents;themother'sbosomonlyfittoreceivethischarmingflower!
Thiswasthereflection,that,withmingledcompassion,andaugmentedlove,arosetomymind,whenIbeheldthecharmerreposingherlovelyfaceuponthebosomofthewidowSorlings,fromarecoveredfit,asIenteredsoonaftershehadreceivedherexecrablesister'sletter.Howlovelyinhertears!--AndasIentered,herupliftedfacesignificantlybespeakingmyprotection,asIthought.AndcanIbeavillaintosuchanangel!--Ihopenot--Butwhy,Belford,why,oncemore,puttestthoumeinmind,thatshemaybeovercome?Andwhyisherownrelianceonmyhonoursolateandsoreluctantlyshown?
But,afterall,solow,sodejected,continuesshetobe,thatIamterriblyafraidIshallhaveavapourishwife,ifIdomarry.Ishouldthenbedoublyundone.NotthatIshallbemuchathomewithher,perhaps,afterthefirstfortnight,orso.Butwhenamanhasbeenranging,likethepainfulbee,fromflowertoflower,perhapsforamonthtogether,andthethoughtsofhomeandawifebegintohavetheircharmswithhim,tobereceivedbyaNiobe,who,likeawoundedvine,weepshervitalsaway,whileshebutinvoluntarycurlsabouthim;howshallIbeabletobearthat?
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MayHeavenrestoremycharmertohealthandspirits,Ihourlypray--thatamanmayseewhethershecanloveanybodybutherfatherandmother!Intheirpower,Iamconfident,itwillbe,atanytime,tomakeherhusbandjoyless;andthat,asIhatethemsoheartily,isashockingthingtoreflectupon.--Somethingmorethanwoman,anangel,insomethings;butababyinothers:sofather-sick!sofamily-fond!--Whatapoorchancestandsahusbandwithsuchawife!unless,forsooth,theyvouchsafetobereconciledtoher,andcontinuereconciled!
Itisinfinitelybetterforherandformethatweshouldnotmarry.Whatadelightfulmanneroflife[OthatIcouldpersuadehertoit!]wouldthelifeofhonourbewithsuchawoman!Thefears,theinquietudes,theuneasydays,therestlessnights;allarisingfromdoubtsofhavingdisobligedme!Everyabsencedreadedtobeanabsenceforever!Andthenhowamplyrewarded,andrewarding,bytherapture-causingreturn!Suchapassionasthiskeepsloveinacontinualfervour--makesitallalive.Thehappypair,insteadofsittingdozingandnoddingateachother,inoppositechimney-corners,inawinterevening,andoverawintrylove,alwaysnewtoeachother,andhavingalwayssomethingtosay.
Thouknowest,inmyversestomyStella,mymindonthisoccasion.Iwilllaythoseversesinherway,asifundesignedly,whenweare
togetheratthewidow's;thatistosay,ifwedonotsoongotochurchbyconsent.Shewillthenceseewhatmynotionsareofwedlock.Ifshereceivesthemwithanysortoftemper,thatwillbeafoundation--andletmealonetobuilduponit.
Manyagirlhasbeencarried,whoneverwouldhavebeenattempted,hadsheshowedaproperresentment,whenherears,orhereyeswerefirstinvaded.Ihavetriedayoungcreaturebyabadbook,alightquotation,oranindecentpicture;andifshehasbornethat,oronlyblushed,andnotbeenangry;andmoreespeciallyifshehasleeredandsmiled;thatgirlhaveI,andoldSatan,putdownforourown.OhowIcouldwarntheselittlerogues,ifIwould!Perhapsenvy,morethanvirtue,willputmeuponsettingupbeaconsforthem,whenIgrowoldandjoyless.
TUESDAYAFTERNOON.
IfyouareinLondonwhenIgetthither,youwillseemesoon.Mycharmerisalittlebetterthanshewas:hereyesshowit;andherharmoniousvoice,hardlyaudiblelasttimeIsawher,nowbeginstocheermyheartoncemore.Butyetshehasnolove--nosensibility!Thereisnoaddressingherwiththosemeaning,yetinnocentfreedoms(innocent,atfirstsettingout,theymaybecalled)whichsoftenothersofhersex.Themorestrangethis,asshenowacknowledgespreferablefavourforme;andishighlysusceptibleofgrief.Griefmollifies,andenervates.Thegrievedmindlooksroundit,silentlyimplores
consolation,andlovesthesoother.Griefiseveraninmatewithjoy.Thoughtheywon'tshowthemselvesatthesamewindowatonetime;yettheyhavethewholehouseincommonbetweenthem.
LETTERLXII
MR.LOVELACE,TOJOHNBELFORD,ESQ.WEDN.APRIL26.
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Atlastmyluckystarhasdirectedusintothedesiredport,andwearesafelylanded.--WellsaysRowe:--
Thewiseandactiveconquerdifficulties,Bydaringtoattemptthem.SlothandfollyShiverandshrinkatsightoftoilandhazard,Andmaketh'impossibilitytheyfear.
Butinthemidstofmyexultation,something,Iknownotwhattocallit,checksmyjoys,andgloomsovermybrighterprospects:ifitbenotconscience,itiswondrouslylikewhatIthoughtso,many,manyyearsago.
Surely,Lovelace,methinksthousayest,thygoodmotionsarenotgoneoffalready!Surelythouwiltnotnowatlastbeavillaintothislady!
Ican'ttellwhattosaytoit.Whywouldnotthedearcreatureacceptofme,whenIsosincerelyofferedmyselftoheracceptance?ThingsalreadyappearwithaverydifferentfacenowIhavegotherhere.Alreadyhaveourmotherandherdaughtersbeenaboutme:--'Charminglady!Whatacomplexion!Whateyes!Whatmajestyinherperson!--OMr.Lovelace,youareahappyman!Youoweussuchalady!'--Thenthey
remindmeofmyrevenge,andofmyhatredtoherwholefamily.
Sallywassostruckwithher,atfirstsight,thatshebrokeouttomeintheselinesofDryden:--
----FairertobeseenThanthefairlilyontheflow'rygreen!MorefreshthanMayherselfinblossomsnew!
Isenttothylodgingswithinhalfanhourafterourarrival,toreceivethycongratulationuponit,butthouwertatEdgeware,itseems.
Mybeloved,whoischarminglyamended,isretiredtoherconstant
employment,writing.Imustcontentmyselfwiththesameamusement,tillsheshallbepleasedtoadmitmetoherpresence:foralreadyhaveIgiventoeveryonehercue.
And,amongtherest,whodostthouthinkistobehermaidservant?--Deb.Butler.
Ah,Lovelace!
AndAh,Belford!--Itcan'tbeotherwise.ButwhatdostthinkDeb'snameistobe?Why,Dorcas,DorcasWykes.Andwon'titbeadmirable,if,eitherthroughfear,fright,orgoodliking,wecangetmybelovedtoacceptofDorcasWykesforabed-fellow?
Insomanywayswillitbenowinmypowertohavethedearcreature,thatIshallnotknowwhichofthemtochoose!
ButherecomesthewidowwithDorcasWykesinherhand,andIamtointroducethembothtomyfair-one?
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So,thehonestgirlisaccepted--ofgoodparentage--but,throughaneglectededucation,plaguyilliterate:shecanneitherwrite,norreadwriting.AkinswomanofMrs.Sinclair--couldnotthereforewellberefused,thewidowinpersonrecommendingher;andthewenchonlytakentillherHannahcancome.Whatanadvantagehasanimposingorforwardnatureoveracourteousone!Soheremaysomethingarisetoleadintocorrespondencies,andsoforth.Tobesureapersonneednotbesowary,socautiousofwhatshewrites,orwhatsheleavesuponhertable,ortoilette,whenherattendantcannotread.
Itwouldbeamiracle,asthousayest,ifthisladycansaveherself--Andhavinggonesofar,howcanIrecede?ThenmyrevengeupontheHarlowes!--Tohaverunawaywithadaughteroftheirs,tomakeheraLovelace--tomakeheroneofafamilysosuperiortoherown--whatatriumph,asIhaveheretoforeobserved,*tothem!Buttorunawaywithher,andtobringhertomylureintheotherlight,whatamortificationoftheirpride!Whatagratificationofmyown!
Thenthesewomenarecontinuallyatme.Thesewomen,who,beforemywholesoulandfacultieswereabsorbedintheloveofthissinglecharmer,usedalwaystoobligemewiththeflowerandfirstfruitsoftheirgarden!Indeed,indeed,mygoddessshouldnothavechosenthisLondonwidow's!ButIdaresay,ifIhad,shewouldnot.Peoplewhowill
bedealingincontradictionoughttopayforit.Andtobepunishedbytheconsequencesofourownchoice--whatamoralliesthere!--WhatadealofgoodmayInotbetheoccasionoffromalittleevil!
Dorcasisaneatcreature,bothinpersonanddress;hercontinuancenotvulgar.AndIaminhopes,asIhintedabove,thatherladywillacceptofherforherbedfellow,inastrangehouse,foraweekorso.ButIsawshehadadisliketoheratherveryfirstappearance;yetIthoughtthegirlbehavedverymodestly--over-diditalittleperhaps.Herladyshipshrunkback,andlookedshyuponher.Thedoctrineofsympathiesandantipathiesisasurprisingdoctrine.ButDorcaswillbeexcessivelyobliging,andwinherlady'sfavoursoon,Idoubtnot.Iamsecureinoneofthewench'squalitieshowever--sheisnottobe
corrupted.Agreatpointthat!sincealadyandhermaid,whenheartilyofoneparty,willbetoohardforhalfascoredevils.
Thedearcreaturewasnolessshywhenthewidowfirstaccostedheratheralighting.YetIthoughtthathonestDoleman'sletterhadpreparedherforhermasculineappearance.
AndnowImentionthatletter,whydostthounotwishmejoy,Jack?
Joy,ofwhat?
Why,joyofmynuptials.Knowthen,thatsaid,isdone,withme,whenIhaveamindtohaveitso;andthatweareactuallymanandwife!only
thatconsummationhasnotpassed:bounddowntothecontraryofthat,byasolemnvow,tillareconciliationwithherfamilytakeplace.Thewomenherearetoldso.Theyknowitbeforemybelovedknowsit;andthat,thouwiltsay,isodd.
ButhowshallIdotomakemyfair-onekeephertemperontheintimation?Why,isshenothere?AtMrs.Sinclair's?--Butifshewillhearreason,Idoubtnottoconvinceher,thatsheoughttoacquiesce.
Shewillinsist,Isuppose,uponmyleavingher,andthatIshallnot
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takeupmylodgingsunderthesameroof.ButcircumstancesarechangedsinceIfirstmadeherthatpromise.Ihavetakenallthevacantapartments;andmustcarrythispointalso.
Ihopeinawhiletogetherwithmetothepublicentertainments.Sheknowsnothingofthetown,andhasseenlessofitsdiversionsthaneverwomanofhertaste,herfortune,herendowments,didsee.Shehas,indeed,anaturalpoliteness,whichtranscendsallacquirement.ThemostcapableofanyoneIeverknewofjudgingwhatanhundredthingsare,byseeingoneofalikenature.Indeedshetooksomuchpleasureinherownchosenamusements,tillpersecutedoutofthem,thatshehadneitherleisurenorinclinationforthetowndiversions.
Thesediversionswillamuse,andthedeuceisinit,ifalittlesusceptibilitywillnotputforth,nowshereceivesmyaddress;especiallyifIcanmanageitsoastobeallowedtoliveunderoneroofwithher.Whatthoughthesensibilitybeatfirstfaintandreluctant,liketheappearanceofanearlyspring-flowerinfrostywinter,whichseemsafraidofbeingniptbyaneasterlyblast!Thatwillbeenoughforme.
Ihintedtotheeinaformer,*thatIhadprovidedbooksforthelady'sin-dooramusement.SallyandPollyarereaders.Mybeloved'slightclosetwastheirlibrary.Andseveralpiecesofdevotionhavebeenput
in,boughtonpurposeatsecond-hand.