volume 8, issue 7
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Volume 8, Issue 7
April Fools Day
April 1, 2010
An
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The most wonderful time of year is upon
us once again! I can’t tell you how excited I
am that the day of awesomeness is finally
drawing nigh! I mean, it’s just so damn excit-
ing! I like using exclamation points today!
You can probably tell that! Anyway, I am so
excited because, by the time you read this
Opening Day for baseball will only be a scant
72 hours away! Not only that, but when
those 72 hours finally painstakingly pass by, I
will be at Ameriquest Field, right behind my
beloved Rangers dugout, close enough to
comb Ian Kinsler’s hair all while eating the
first of many ballpark dogs and sipping a tall,
cold Shiner!
Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! I can’t
wait! There are many reasons that I love both
baseball in general and the Rangers specifi-
cally, but the specifics of my team affiliation
would be lost on most people. You know the
people I mean – Yankee fans. Oh how I hate
the Yankees! Stupid, greedy, self-centered,
narcissistic greenback whores the lot of
them! But that is not what I want to talk
about. I would like to discuss my reasons for
my love affair with baseball, of which there
are about 42. And here they are:
1. Baseball is our national pastime.
2. The smell of fresh cut grass is intoxicat-
ing.
3. The crack of a wooden bat makes me
giggle.
4. Homeruns.
5. No hitters (I saw Nolan Ryan pitch his 7th
in person)
6. Freshly oiled gloves smell sexy.
7. Peanuts AND CrackerJacks.
8. Tons of hot chicks go to baseball games
because they are just as shallow us men
and like looking at men in tight pants as
much as we love staring at them in short
shorts.
9. The cheap seats.
10. Fireworks.
11. Ballpark hot dogs.
12. Mascots are always willing to take pic-
tures with you.
13. Allowable public drunkenness, as long as
you can fake sobriety in front of security.
14. Random strangers who can be as fanatic
as you.
15. The wave.
16. Foul ball souvenirs.
17. There’s a chance you might get to be on
TV.
18. Those frozen fruit thingies are delicious.
19. Watching grown men play a children’s
game is pure entertainment, especially
when they screw up.
20. Baseball is just plain exciting.
21. Nothing beats the moment you step into
the stadium for the first time during any
season.
22. You know you’re not at work if you’re at
the ballpark.
23. Baseball is a great bonding experience.
24. Screaming children are less annoying
than in any other situation.
25. The 7th Inning stretch.
26. Awkward video board kisses.
27. If you go early enough you can watch BP.
Continued on page 4
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ASU POSTPONES RAMC.H.O.P., In Other News, Baseball season begins soon...
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So a tamale is sorta like a So a tamale is sorta like a So a tamale is sorta like a So a tamale is sorta like a
rolled up situation? rolled up situation? rolled up situation? rolled up situation? ----New YorkerNew YorkerNew YorkerNew Yorker Quote
of Quote
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of Quote
of
the Week
the Week
the Week
the Week
2
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This week, we are honoring
someone who has helped
shape all of our lives. When
we were young, he helped
us learn so much and
taught us the value of the
letter "J." I am speaking, of
course, of the one, the
only, Big Bird. Through the
work of this prodigious fowl
and all of his friends from
the street, we all learned
important lessons about
acceptance and about help-
ing each other, and about the importance of a normal
pituitary gland so that you don't end up as gargantuan
as him. All in all, throughout his life, he has served us,
and our children, and I hope he will continue to be a
positive influence for years to come.
Do you have someone you think should be Ram of the
Week? Write an article about them and email it
to [email protected]. If your article makes it into
the paper you'll get a gift card!
Ram of the Week Ram of the Week Ram of the Week Ram of the Week
Big BirdBig BirdBig BirdBig Bird
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3
According to a recent Harris Poll this is what Republicans
think of
President Obama:
67% think he is a Socialist
57% think he is a Muslim
45% think he was not born in America
38% think he is doing many of the things Hitler did
24% think he may be the antichrist
This is what they believe… And we wonder why
there's no bipartisanship in our government.
Conservative voices (mainly Fox News) have so
fired up the conservative base of this country with
their outright LIES that Republicans in Congress have felt cornered. If they
were to even consider compromising with the President they would cer-
tainly be challenged in a primary and likely lose. After all, why would people
want to be represented by someone who's willing to compromise with a
Socialist Muslim Nazi who has no constitutional right to be President in the
first place and wants to ultimately rule the world and engage in an epic bat-
tle against the forces of good at Armageddon? Man, sounds scary. Yet, with
this belief permeating the minority party, President Obama was still able to
make healthcare reform law last week. Thanks to this (apparently horrible)
person, 32 million Americans who are presently uninsured will have insur-
ance by 2014, and almost all of them will have the cost of that insurance
subsidized by the government, and health insurance companies will actually
have to treat their customers with fairness and respect. Yup, sounds like a
terrorist plot. Well, it does to morons I guess.
Obama FILES
The Incredible Question
The Ramdiculous Response
Well, the euphoria of the Winter Olympics has passed, and the series of frantic withdrawals I had once it was over have finally passed as well..
How To Spice Up Your Love Life and/or Lose Your Significant Other!
How about we start with an ego boost? This is how you can feel like an
Olympic gold medalist after every romantic romp: After every “event”, loudly proclaim “Ladies and gentlemen, the National Anthem of the United States of America!”, and if you can pull it off, raise the American flag for a lot of flair! Of course, you would have to have a CD player on your nightstand (or one of those nifty iPod docking things) to pull this off. But make sure you have the right track on deck before you attempt this, because if you press “play” and Celine Dion comes on, you will likely never see this person again.
Maybe bragging to your lover isn’t enough. Maybe you want to brag to the neighbors, too. For this, it might help to be a little bit nerdy, as it will re-quire a bugle and a slight knowledge of “live action role play” (commonly know as LARPing) to even get this reference. Before you partake in the after-glow of a few well-deserved cigarettes, take out the bugle, hold a note on it as long as you can, and shout out (it helps if your partner joins you) “GAME END!”. It’s not nearly as disgusting as a used rubber on the door knob, and it still helps make the uptight virgin in the adjacent dorm room jealous.
As far as things to do during the actual act itself, I don’t wanna go into details. On that note, it’s amazing how many sexual words start with the letter “C”. But I can tell you this: alcohol is in no way an aphrodisiac. The miscon-ception is that drinking makes people hot and bothered. Maybe it does, but take into consideration half the stupid $#!+ people do when they are drunk. Your friend Jerry Yorke knows this all too well. He has woken up in a King-sized bed that felt like a toddler bed. Put two and two together. If you are even more careless under the influence, keep in mind that it really hurts a child to tell them that their creation was sponsored by Boone’s Farm.
Just a brief pointer for the ladies. Be careful. Just saying this based on hearsay from other men complaining about their ladies, but dang, if men truly liked being gnashed, you would see them putting bear traps in their pants all the time. I think above the belt is generally safe, but until rubbers start carrying the Oscar Meyer logo, men don’t expect their “best friend” to be treated as such.
By the way, men, paper bags are now out of style. Reusable bags are in. Of course, this article doesn’t apply for everyone. There are some people
reading this who are saving themselves for marriage…oh, who the hell am I kidding? Wait…are there? If so, then fine. Here are some ways to make love without really doing it:
Take a walk on the beach. Bake cookies together. Sit under a rainbow and write a poem. Play Jenga. Don’t play Twister, too tempting. Knit a sweater. Cook a romantic dinner. Read the Ramdiculous Page. Ride one of those double-bikes. Have phone sex. But in the midst of all this, try really hard not to die. Because despite the sadness, if anyone found out you were doing any of this, people are going to laugh at you.
And now for the list of how to lose your significant other: Shout out your sibling’s name in. Shout out your ex’s name. Shout out
your parent’s name. Ask for a threesome. In lieu of sundae toppings, asking to use sauerkraut. Asking your man if you can play pitcher. Asking your woman if you can play catcher. Animals. Requesting your lover to wear one of Lady Gaga’s costumes. Fruits and vegetables. Especially melons. The “Strawberry Shortcake” and other various techniques that require punching your mate in the head. Revealing your true gender on “Maury”. Even appearing on “Maury”, for that matter. Pretending that your orgasm is a summoned superpower. Allow me to explain that last one. No saying “Go Go Gadget (Insert Slang Term Here)!”, or “Excelsior!” or "Flame On!" or “Megatron, rejuvenate!”… “Shazam!” is probably the only exception.
I hope we all learned something here today. But if you did learn anything, I hope it is this: I don’t always drink beer. But when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. That wasn’t an endorsement. I’ve just heard that commercial on the radio a lot lately, and its stuck in my head. Stay thirsty, my friends.
Until next time, -Jerry Yorke
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28. Hot chicks bring you food if you sit in the right place.
29. Free bobblehead dolls.
30. Double-headers.
31. Fights.
32. Bases loaded, full count, two outs in the bottom of the ninth.
33. Post-game celebrations.
34. Big League Chew.
35. The double play.
36. Watching someone hit for the cycle.
37. Ice cream always tastes better when eaten out of a small
batting helmet.
38. Old people are less grouchy when they are in the sunshine.
39. Vampires only attend the night games, so you’re safe during
the daytime double headers.
40. Horse trough urinals.
41. You can always count on someone getting hit by a foul ball or
a thrown bat.
42. It’s f@%#*! Baseball!
And those are my approximate 42 reasons for loving baseball.
Now, I need to pack so I can go watch my Rangers beat the hell
out of Toronto Monday. Have fun in class, suckas!
--Samuel Clemens
Continued from cover Baseball
Poetry
Time Don't eat cheese
Unless you say please
Or else the elves will come after you
So hang up your spurs
Label them "his" and "hers"
So that sandwiches may taste good to you
Best Wedding Cake EVER!
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Porkchop Thanks to:
Alix Henry, Jose Chapa, Sean Apostalo, Aaron Lozano, Maria Renteria, Elizabeth Cavazos
5
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R A M D I C U L O U S P A G E P O L I C Y Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper. We
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Sudoku
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Ramdiculous Ramdiculous Ramdiculous Ramdiculous ObservancesObservancesObservancesObservances
Friday
World Autism Day
Saturday
Tangible Karma
Day (What goes
around comes
around… and you can
touch it)
Sunday World Rat Day
(Bring on the
plague!)
Monday National Deep
Dish Pizza Day
(Buy me a pizza)
Tuesday
Drowsy Driver
Awareness Day
(Texting helps
keep you awake)
Wednesday
International
Beaver Day
Thursday
Buddha Day
(Wow, two
holidays in one
week)
Cop Out This movie didn't suck. It
wasn't great; it was about
average. It stars Bruce Willis
and Tracy Morgan, playing
police detectives, Jimmy
Monroe and Paul Hodges. It
begins with them interrogat-
ing a suspect, and Paul goes
through a series of movie
references. This part was
mildly entertaining though
not nearly as funny as I was
led to believe by the trailers
I had seen (that basically
describes most of the
movie). Anyway, this interro-
gation leads to a failed sting
which gets both of them sus-
pended without pay. This is
particularly a problem for
Jimmy who needs money to
pay for his daughter's wed-
ding so that her douche-bag
stepdad can't show him up
by covering it himself. This
leads to some desperate at-
tempts to make sure he has
the money he needs. he gets
himself and hist partner,
Paul, in trouble and caught
up with some Mexican gang-
sters. All throughout, Paul is
trying to figure out if his wife
is cheating on him. In gen-
eral, this movie was enter-
taining. Worth seeing if you
just want to see something,
but it was extremely aver-
age. Very funny a couple
times, a little funny a lot. I
give it a C.
Clash of the TitansClash of the TitansClash of the TitansClash of the Titans 1:00 2:00 3:00 4:00 5:00 6:00 7:00 8:00 9:00 10:00 11:00
The Last SongThe Last SongThe Last SongThe Last Song
2:15 4:55 7:45 10:30
Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too?Married Too?Married Too?Married Too?
1:15 4:15 7:15 10:15
Alice in WonderlandAlice in WonderlandAlice in WonderlandAlice in Wonderland 1:10 4:10 7:10 10:25
Hot Tub Time MachineHot Tub Time MachineHot Tub Time MachineHot Tub Time Machine 1:50 4:20 7:20 10:40
How to Train Your DragonHow to Train Your DragonHow to Train Your DragonHow to Train Your Dragon
1:55 4:45 7:30 10:45
She's Out of My LeagueShe's Out of My LeagueShe's Out of My LeagueShe's Out of My League 2:05 4:40 7:40 10:55
The Bounty HunterThe Bounty HunterThe Bounty HunterThe Bounty Hunter
1:05 2:35 4:05 5:35 7:05 8:35 10:05
Movie Times