What do I say to my old

English teacher?

Some DOs and DON’Ts

What not to say

1. “That short story I wrote, I confess I

borrowed it from one of Roald Dahl’s Tales of

the Unexpected. It was just SO good!”

2. “I wrote a letter to a silly soccer magazine in the

worst possible English and gave your name and address

(retrieved from the phone book). They wrote back to

you and told you that your submission could not be

included because it was not up to the required

standard. I hope you don’t mind.”

3. “I stole several books. Edward Albee’s Who’s Afraid

of Virginia Woolf and George Orwell’s 1984 and they

still adorn my bookshelf. I have to say, they certainly

stoked my interest in reading, so much so that I

encouraged other school friends to do likewise.”

4. “I apologize for yawning while you were reading from

Henry James but your speaking voice was just SO

monotonous and the author’s style SO verbose.”

6. “When I told you that I was late for your class

because I had been snowed in my home (even though it

was the middle of May) that was a lie, although I’m sure

you never guessed it.”

7. “I gave another boy my homework once, hence what

you described as the ‘extraordinary coincidence’ that

both our interpretations of the poem in question were

‘monumentally mistaken’. You obviously hadn’t guessed

that was because he copied my answers verbatim.”

8. “I always promised you that one day you would see

some of my work published. And so if you would kindly

care to go into the gent’s toilet of the third floor of my

local Walmart you will see a poem of mine scrawled on

the wall. Please tell me what you think of it.”

If you want to stay on the safe side, here’s some ideas

of what you CAN say

1. “I can honestly say that you stoked an interest

in writing and reading and this accounts for

whatever success I have achieved in my career.”

2. “I noticed the care and time you always spent

when marking my homework and I always re-read

your comments and tried to heed them.”

3. “They say you never forget a good teacher.

Well, I have never written anything without

thinking how you would appraise it.”

4. “Those idiots who messed around while you

taught. I took them aside after one particularly

rowdy class and told them you were an excellent

teacher who deserved better.”

5. “I have written a letter to the school’s

headmaster telling him how valuable your classes

were.”

6. “I never threw away any of my schoolwork. It

will be preserved for posterity, including your

incisive and helpful comments.”

7. “You encouraged me to think for myself and

dare to be different, just like the Robin Williams

character in Dead Poets Society.”

8. “I always promised you that one day you would

see some of my work published. Here is a

collection of stories I have dedicated to you.”

To read more, click on the link above. Good luck on your next reunion!