• What is empathy?

• How to be Empathic

• Challenges to being Empathic

• Let’s Practice!!!!

“Through empathy the parent is able to join in

her child’s experience and share it with him.

She has not just become aware of his

experiences. She experiences them within

herself.”

Daniel Hughes, 2009

We want our kids to feel us feeling them.

Seeing Guessing Reflecting

• Verbal Communication

– Tone

– Intensity

– Words

• Non-Verbal Communication

– Open vs. Closed

– 70% of Communication here

– Mixed Messages

• Keep in mind our children with attachment

& trauma problems:

– See the world through a “trauma lens”

– Brains are conditioned to be in a constant state

of fear or arousal (“fight or flight”)

– Trauma is over, but effects persist

• Due to the brain’s structure

• The Basic Formula:

– “It seems to me you’re feeling __ because __…”

– “I wonder if you’re feeling __ because __.”

– NEVER: “I know you’re feeling…”

• “Looks like you’re having a hard time!”

• “It’s so hard to wait!”

• “You really seem angry about that!”

• “That must be so hard…feeling left out.”

• “It seems like you are really disappointed.”

• “Gosh, it’s hard to stop playing!”

• Mirror your child’s affect

• Match the quality and intensity of what is

being expressed without taking on the

emotion

• Empathy with someone vs. for someone?

• We forget to engage the

connect>break>repair cycle

• We forget to see all behavior has meaning,

and to find that meaning

• We forget to be mindful of our expectations

for ourselves and our child

– Setting realistic goals that are developmentally

appropriate so we child can succeed

• Children with attachment

difficulties are masters at

finding & pushing our

buttons

• This can be used to

unload (project) some of

their “stuff” onto us

• Our kids will do and say things that will

make us feel…CRAZY…guaranteed!

• We have an emotional reaction to their

emotions

– Feeling as though they are personal attacking us

• Behind every therapist is a good therapist.

Honestly.

• Consider ourselves a sponge…

We may take on our child’s

painful emotions and end up

being “soaked” in feelings

We need to learn to “wring”

ourselves out

• Developing a habit of taking inventory of

ourselves:

– How am I feeling right now?

• Finding the words for those feelings.

– Accepting those feelings.

• Asking Ourselves

• Does this belong to me (is it my issue) or my kid’s?

• Will this be helpful or hurtful to our relationship?

Response versus Reaction

• Exploring our attachment history and

beginning to make sense of our own

childhood experiences

• This will decrease “knee jerk reacting” and

enhance our ability to be responsive to our

child’s needs

Parenting From the Inside Out

by Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell

Helps us explore how our own childhood

experiences shape the way we parent our

children

• Facial expression matches your words

• Body positioning remains open

• Maintain close proximity to your child and use physical

touch when you can

• Maintain eye contact and don’t stare

• Observe your child’s nonverbal communication

• Comment about what you see in a single sentence

You are helping your child begin to make sense of

their inner world by putting words to their

experiences

• Break up into triads

– One person observe/assist

– One person talk about something mildly

disturbing

– One person respond empathically

– Switch!!!!!

• Role Play with Billy

• Bomber, L. M. (2007). Inside I’m Hurting: Practical Strategies for Supporting

Children With Attachment Difficulties in Schools. London: Worth Publishing.

• Hartzell, M., & Siegel, D. J. (2003). Parenting From the Inside Out: How a

Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. New

York, NY: Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

• Hughes, D. A. (2006). Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in

Deeply Troubled Children. 2nd Edition. Lanham, Maryland: Jason Aronson.

• Hughes, D. A. (2007). Attachment-Focused Family Therapy. New York, NY:

W.W. Norton.

• Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician’s Guide to Mindsight

and Neural Integration. New York, NY: W.W. Norton.