What Kind of Dance Do You Have?

Is the goal here to have a healthy

marriage?NO…. Goal is to have a healthy self by growing

as a disciple

The Necessary Ingredients for Change In relationships

• Active listening• Encouraging words• Speaking the truth in love

The Necessary Ingredients for Deeper Growth In relationships

• Bonding• Boundaries• Accepting the good & the bad• Becoming an adult (equals)

1. The Marriage Is No Better Than The People In It

MOST WILL PICK #3 OR #7

There are unconscious influences to every behavior

What Is Baggage?

What kind of “baggage” you have?Clinical ~ Relational ~ Functional Large ~ Small ~ Family ~ Trauma

2. What Lurks In The Shadows Trips

Us Up

What is “Ownership”?• it is about the possession of what God has entrusted us• it says “that is mine, I am responsible for it”• it is what Jesus is calling us to in Lk. 6:42• in order for us to take responsibility for our lives, we must own what is ours• in order for us to gain control of our feelings, behaviors, & choices – we must first realize they are ours & no one else's • ownership offers freedom…

You know you are blaming when…

•“If you would have only done ____, I would not have done that”•“You always make me feel…”•“It’s your fault”•“you never listen to me”•“YOU…..”

Blaming Keeps you stuck in this way…

• You remain a martyr or victim• Leads to anger & resentment… adds to distance & pain in the relationship• Blocks you from getting what you want & taking an active role in the relationship

You are responsible for your buttons and

reactions…Take Control of your

buttons and reactions ~ Phil. 4:11-13

3. Ownership Offers Hope… Blame Breeds

Despair

What Are Your Love Killers?

• Self-Centered • Lack of observing

oneself• Inability to validate

the other person’s experience (Prov. 18:13)

• Emotional detachment

• Control & denial of separateness

• Playing the parent role

• Lack of boundaries

You are the ingredient you

bring to the marriage mixHow tasty of an

ingredient are you?

Meaningful & Lasting Change Happens From

the Inside Out

Concentrate on Personal Growth

More Than Marital Growth2 Peter 3:18 (NIV)18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord

and Savior Jesus Christ.

Colossians 1:28-29 (NIV)28 We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ.29 To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.

4. Fixing Me ~ Fixes Us

The Health & Intimacy of Your Marriage is

Directly Proportionate to your Personal

Growth & Maturity as a Disciple of Jesus Christ

5. Fixing Me ~ Begins By Giving Up

Giving up…

• My pride• My ego• My control• My selfishness• My past • My need to be

right• My …..

How Do I Give up…?

1. Fall in love with Jesus2. Desire to become more like Jesus

(I Cor. 13)

3. Allow God to use:a) Relationships (Eph. 4: 15-16; 2 Tim. 2:2)

b) Suffering & Circumstances (Rom. 5:3-5; I Peter 5:10)

c) The Holy Spirit (Eph. 1:13-14; Gal. 2:20; John 16:13-14)

The Source of Change• Christ in us• Fruits of the Spirit• Power of the Holy Spirit

The Course of Change• from the inside out• God grows us… not us growing us• by focusing on our heart growth more than our behavior change… focusing on our character more than our comfort• using people, spouse, events, pain, joy

(Eph. 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.)

What Does A Mature Disciple Look Like?

Galatians 5:22-26 (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.