what motivates a gaslighter? crazy…...emotional abuse employed by a person who leads another to...
TRANSCRIPT
64 BALANCED LIFE issue 94
relationships
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g r A D u A L Ly losing your sanity is a scary
concept, but when it’s your
romantic partner who is
manipulating you into feeling
that way… Well, that’s the
most sinister nightmare of all.
‘gaslighting is a form of
emotional abuse employed by
a person who leads another
to doubt themselves or even
question their sanity,’ says
Durban-based counselling
psychologist rakhi Beekrum.
‘one of the most common
manifestations of gaslighting
You drive me crazY…
G a s l i G h t i n G i s n ’ t j u s t a p l o t d e v i c e f o r h o l ly w o o d
d r a m a s . i t ’ s a r e a l a n d f r i G h t e n i n G f o r m o f a b u s e .
h e r e ’ s h o w t o i d e n t i f y i t, a n d G e t h e l p
in a romantic relationship
is putting the other person
down or defeating their
self-esteem with repeated
negative comments. often
gaslighters also lie or deny
facts, even in the face of
evidence – for example,
insisting they’re not cheating
despite evidence to prove it.’
the unusual name for
this psychological abuse
originates from a 1938 play
and subsequent 1940s movie
adaptations called Gaslight.
the plot centres on a gold-
by jade taylor cooke
digging husband who is
secretly searching for his
wife’s hidden jewels in the
attic every night. In order
to see his way, he turns on
the gaslights in the attic,
which automatically causes
those downstairs to dim
slightly. When his wife
mentions this, he convinces
her she’s imagining things,
thus beginning a process
in which he slowly drives
her mad by undermining her
reality. His end goal is to have
her institutionalised, so he can
control her fortune.
of course, if you began
dating someone who
immediately told obvious
and bald-faced lies, chances
are you may discontinue
the relationship. However,
gaslighting is a lot more
insidious than that. ‘Early on
in a relationship, gaslighting
may be more subtle,’ says
rakhi. ‘one person may
simply deny having made
a particular statement, for
example. However, as the
relationship progresses, the
gaslighting gets more serious,
involving greater fabrications
and the gaslighter even taking
on a victim role.’ At this point,
the gaslighter has discredited
you so completely within the
context of your relationship
that any disagreement or
argument from your side
appears to hold no weight.
And the more you protest,
the crazier you may seem…
speaking of the ‘C’ word,
while gaslighting can occur
between people of any
gender, more often than not,
it’s used against women
because society so easily
accepts the sexist trope of
a woman in a couple going
‘crazy’. ‘It feeds off sexist
stereotypes of women as
crazy, jealous, emotional,
weak or incapable,’ says
Dr Ellen Hendriksen in
Psychology Today. ‘the
same stereotypes are used
to reinforce themselves – an
uninterrupted pattern of
circular logic: “see, another
insecure, emotional woman
we don’t have to listen to.”’
THE FALLOUTgaslighting cannot be brushed
off as a case of your partner
•Someone else taking
credit for your work
•Being set up for failure
with unrealistic deadlines
•Unfair and
unwarranted criticism
•Having one’s
abilities undermined
•Being excluded from
conversations, emails
or events
According to Rakhi, gaslighting occurs in the
workplace more often than we realise. ‘It often
involves someone striving for power who is
unable to attain it in a fair, honest manner, and therefore manipulating someone they perceive as a threat,’ she says.
Examples include:
at WorKgasLightiNg
‘playing games’. It’s a form
of abuse and has real and
terrible consequences.
‘A victim of gaslighting
experiences severe stress,’
says rakhi. ‘they doubt their
abilities and their worth due
to repeated messages from
the gaslighter. It damages
your confidence and
self-esteem.’
Like other forms of abuse,
gaslighting is also incredibly
isolating and may cause
someone to remain in an
unhealthy and dangerous
relationship, as they no longer
trust that their natural fear
response is valid. ‘Because
they are used to having their
feelings invalidated by the
perpetrator, a victim of
gaslighting may become
withdrawn and not seek help.
they begin to believe what
the perpetrator says,’ states
rakhi. And this is when the
gaslighter has you right
where they want you –
they almost don’t need to
continue invalidating your
experiences and feelings,
because you’re doing it to
yourself for them.
WHAT MOTIVATES A GASLIGHTER?‘there are various reasons
why someone would gaslight
their partner, but a major one
is that it is a consequence of a
personality disorder – usually
antisocial or narcissistic
personality disorders,’ says
rakhi. ‘these individuals
have a deep-seated need
to control, and seek to
compensate for their innate
insecurity by exerting power
over others.
‘the ones who do this
intentionally may sometimes
enact well-planned schemes
against their partner to cover
up their own wrong-doing.
they project on to others,
blame them, and thus assume
a victim role for themselves.
some may feel the only way
they can feel powerful is to
undermine others.’
SPOT THE RED FLAGSCould you be a victim of
gaslighting? rakhi says these
are the warning signs to look
out for:
•‘Watch out for someone who
lies. Be aware of patterns of
lies that may start subtly but
begin to occur more often.’
•‘Notice how you feel after a
conversation with the person.
If you feel negative and doubt
yourself because of what
they have said, you may be
dealing with a gaslighter.’
•‘Gaslighters’ actions rarely
match their words. they will
often say something and not
follow through, but when
questioned, will deny saying
it in the first place.’
•Notice whether you seem to
doubt yourself more often,
find yourself constantly
apologising, excusing the
gaslighter’s behaviour, feeling
like you’re worthless and
being unhappy most of
the time.’
GET HELP•Become aware. ‘The most
important step,’ says rakhi,
‘is recognising that you are
a victim.’
•Speak up. Discuss your
feelings with someone you
trust and who you know to
be objective. ‘If you cannot
identify a close friend or
family member, consider
speaking to a psychologist
to help you identify whether
your self-doubt is rational,’
says rakhi. ‘they can help
you devise a plan to protect
yourself and escape the
manipulation, and can help
you develop coping skills.’
•Distance yourself from
the gaslighter. If this is not
immediately possible owing
to some financial or logistical
reasons, work on strategies to
distance yourself emotionally.
• Remember that this is not
related to your worth – they
are the problem, not you.