Whatever Happened

to My Little Girl?

Whatever Happened

to My Little Girl?

Presenters:Pascale SalomonElisabeth Escobar

What are the Objectives of this Workshop?

What are the Objectives of this Workshop?

To understand the psychological development of adolescent girls

To differentiate between normal vs. problem teen behaviour

To intervene effectively when problems arise

To understand the psychological development of adolescent girls

To differentiate between normal vs. problem teen behaviour

To intervene effectively when problems arise

What is a Clique?What is a Clique? An exclusive group of girls who are close friends. A

platoon of soldiers who have banded together to navigate the perils and insecurities of adolescence

There is a chain of command and they operate as one in their interactions with their environment

Group cohesion is based on unquestionable loyalty to the leaders and us-versus-the world mentality

Cliques are sophisticated, complex and multilayered, and every girl has a role within them

Cliques are worse in sixth, seventh and eight grade

An exclusive group of girls who are close friends. A platoon of soldiers who have banded together to navigate the perils and insecurities of adolescence

There is a chain of command and they operate as one in their interactions with their environment

Group cohesion is based on unquestionable loyalty to the leaders and us-versus-the world mentality

Cliques are sophisticated, complex and multilayered, and every girl has a role within them

Cliques are worse in sixth, seventh and eight grade

What are the Different Roles

What are the Different Roles

Queen Bee Sidekick Banker Floater Torn Bystander Pleaser Wannabe Messenger Target

Queen Bee Sidekick Banker Floater Torn Bystander Pleaser Wannabe Messenger Target

REMEMBERREMEMBER

Adolescence is a time when social hierachies are powerfully and painfully reinforced every moment of the day

Girls can be each other’s pillars of support and saviors, but they can also do horrible things to each other

Adolescence is a time when social hierachies are powerfully and painfully reinforced every moment of the day

Girls can be each other’s pillars of support and saviors, but they can also do horrible things to each other

Pretty Confident Happy Money

Hangs out with the right guys Nice on the outside

In control Popular Athletic Money

Pretty Confident Happy Money

Hangs out with the right guys Nice on the outside

In control Popular Athletic Money

- Too opinionated - Cause-oriented

- Gay

- Too opinionated - Cause-oriented

- Gay

- Shy

- Overweight

- Acne

- Shy

- Overweight

- Acne

Popularity is the KeyPopularity is the Key For some girls popularity

is magical Popularity conveys an

illusory sense of power Some girls think that if

they can achieve it all, their problems will disappear

Good popularity: when a girl is genuinely liked because she is kind to people

Bad popularity: When a girl’s popularity is based on fear and control

For some girls popularity is magical

Popularity conveys an illusory sense of power

Some girls think that if they can achieve it all, their problems will disappear

Good popularity: when a girl is genuinely liked because she is kind to people

Bad popularity: When a girl’s popularity is based on fear and control

Girl WorldGirl World Most girls are obsessed about their

looks. If they aren’t, they’ve found another way to express themselves through a talent or skill that builds their self-esteem

If there is something about their physical appearance that they do like, girls will never admit it because they’re afraid other girls will accuse them of being vain

If there is something about their physical appearance they don’t like, they’re obsessed by it

Girls need constant reassurance from each other that they fit in and look good

Girls are constantly comparing themselves to each other

Most girls are obsessed about their looks. If they aren’t, they’ve found another way to express themselves through a talent or skill that builds their self-esteem

If there is something about their physical appearance that they do like, girls will never admit it because they’re afraid other girls will accuse them of being vain

If there is something about their physical appearance they don’t like, they’re obsessed by it

Girls need constant reassurance from each other that they fit in and look good

Girls are constantly comparing themselves to each other

Girls know they are manipulated by the media to hold themselves to an impossible standard of beauty, but that doesn’t stop them from holding themselves to it anyway

When a girl has a friend who is starving herself, she’s often between worry and envy, because thin equals good (this can change depending on race and culture, but the dominant culture dictates thin equals good)

Being beautiful doesn’t guarantee popularity, but it limits how low down the pecking order you go

The way a girl decides to ‘mark’ herself- from piercing a nose or dyeing her hair to wearing Gap or DG –identifies how she sees herself and to what group she belongs. Her markers reveal her place in the social hierarchy

Girls know they are manipulated by the media to hold themselves to an impossible standard of beauty, but that doesn’t stop them from holding themselves to it anyway

When a girl has a friend who is starving herself, she’s often between worry and envy, because thin equals good (this can change depending on race and culture, but the dominant culture dictates thin equals good)

Being beautiful doesn’t guarantee popularity, but it limits how low down the pecking order you go

The way a girl decides to ‘mark’ herself- from piercing a nose or dyeing her hair to wearing Gap or DG –identifies how she sees herself and to what group she belongs. Her markers reveal her place in the social hierarchy

Girl World

cont..

Identifying Your Parenting Style

Identifying Your Parenting Style

The lock in her closet parent

The best friend parent The hip parent Pushover parent No-excuse parent Benign neglect parent Private parent No privacy parent Don’t ask, don’t tell

parent

The lock in her closet parent

The best friend parent The hip parent Pushover parent No-excuse parent Benign neglect parent Private parent No privacy parent Don’t ask, don’t tell

parent

Overbearing parent

The worried parent! All parents

Overbearing parent

The worried parent! All parents

The Loving Hard Ass Parent

The Loving Hard Ass Parent

Don’t take their daughter’s behaviour as an insult or indication that their relationship is weak

Own up to mistakes and behaviour and they encourage daughter to do the same

Demonstrate that you can learn from mistakes and be better for it

Love their daughter unconditionally Hold daughter accountable for decisions and

behaviour that go against familly’s values and ethics

They don’t blame others for their daughter’s behaviour

They never make their daughter feel ashamed of who she is

Don’t take their daughter’s behaviour as an insult or indication that their relationship is weak

Own up to mistakes and behaviour and they encourage daughter to do the same

Demonstrate that you can learn from mistakes and be better for it

Love their daughter unconditionally Hold daughter accountable for decisions and

behaviour that go against familly’s values and ethics

They don’t blame others for their daughter’s behaviour

They never make their daughter feel ashamed of who she is

REMEMBERREMEMBER

You are your daughter’s best role model You are not a failure! The only way you can fail is if you don’t

try, you disconnect, you don’t hold her accountable for her behaviour, or if you don’t teach her the value of empathy, thoughtfulness and critical thinking

Be kind to yourself. Parenting is often overwhelming and very few of us are taught to develop effective coping skills!

You are your daughter’s best role model You are not a failure! The only way you can fail is if you don’t

try, you disconnect, you don’t hold her accountable for her behaviour, or if you don’t teach her the value of empathy, thoughtfulness and critical thinking

Be kind to yourself. Parenting is often overwhelming and very few of us are taught to develop effective coping skills!

Effective CommunicationEffective Communication

Do’s What happened in math class

today? Look for opportunities to bond Sit with your daughter until

she is ready to talk Be honest with yourself about

your goals and agenda Affirm your daughter’s feelings

Do’s What happened in math class

today? Look for opportunities to bond Sit with your daughter until

she is ready to talk Be honest with yourself about

your goals and agenda Affirm your daughter’s feelings

Don’tsHow was school today?Don’t limit yourself to spontaneous opportunitiesDon’t make comments abouthomework, room cleaning orclothes she’s wearingDon’t be afraid of silenceDon’t sigh, roll your eyes andclick your teeth

Don’tsHow was school today?Don’t limit yourself to spontaneous opportunitiesDon’t make comments abouthomework, room cleaning orclothes she’s wearingDon’t be afraid of silenceDon’t sigh, roll your eyes andclick your teeth

Effective Communication cont.Effective Communication cont.

Do’s Get clarification if she uses

a word or code you don’t understand

Share your own experiences from when you were her age

Empower her so she has the skills to get through her problems with your support and guidance

Give her ownership for what she does good and bad. Let her make mistakes

Do’s Get clarification if she uses

a word or code you don’t understand

Share your own experiences from when you were her age

Empower her so she has the skills to get through her problems with your support and guidance

Give her ownership for what she does good and bad. Let her make mistakes

Don’tsDon’t use the slang your

daughter usesDon’t preach!Don’t try to fix her problems

- resist making everything alright

Don’t make fun of her

Don’tsDon’t use the slang your

daughter usesDon’t preach!Don’t try to fix her problems

- resist making everything alright

Don’t make fun of her

What if Your Daughter is a Target

What if Your Daughter is a Target

Choosing when to confront teasing and gossiping is always difficult

When girls have problems, they need help right away!

Choosing when to confront teasing and gossiping is always difficult

When girls have problems, they need help right away!

Helpful StrategiesHelpful Strategies Have a productive conversation Help her come up with realistic

strategies to confront the problem effectively

Your daughter and you may decide the following alternatives:

Confronting the aggressor Asking a teacher or counselor for

help You can tell the aggressor’s parents You can talk to the teacher You can talk to an administrator

Have a productive conversation Help her come up with realistic

strategies to confront the problem effectively

Your daughter and you may decide the following alternatives:

Confronting the aggressor Asking a teacher or counselor for

help You can tell the aggressor’s parents You can talk to the teacher You can talk to an administrator

What About Love and Sexuality

What About Love and Sexuality

Around twelve years of age, girls’ bonding often extends beyond navigating their friendship with other girls to include bonding over drama with boys

If one girl is getting attention from boys or is more ‘boy crazy’ than her friend, it will strain the relationship and put pressure on the other girl to play catch-up

At some point, a girl will pretend to be not as smart, strong or capable around a boy she likes. She may be embarrassed by her behaviour but not know how to stop

Around twelve years of age, girls’ bonding often extends beyond navigating their friendship with other girls to include bonding over drama with boys

If one girl is getting attention from boys or is more ‘boy crazy’ than her friend, it will strain the relationship and put pressure on the other girl to play catch-up

At some point, a girl will pretend to be not as smart, strong or capable around a boy she likes. She may be embarrassed by her behaviour but not know how to stop

Her girlfriends will see this, be embarrassed, and talk behind her back, but also wonder if this is the right way to get boys’ attention

As in their friendships with girls, girls often communicate unclearly or don’t say what they mean because they want to please the boy they like. To a girl, pleasing means doing what the other person wants, almost always at the cost of what she wants - or doesn’t want

She’ll have a crush on someone who doesn’t treat her or other people well. She’ll know this, but won’t stop liking the person

Not all girls like boys. Some girls are sexually attracted to girls or question their sexuality early in their teen years

No matter what her sexual orientation, your daughter will likely have strong friendships with boys through her teen years. Some of those friendships can but not always become sexual, but that doesn’t take away the depth of the friendship

Her girlfriends will see this, be embarrassed, and talk behind her back, but also wonder if this is the right way to get boys’ attention

As in their friendships with girls, girls often communicate unclearly or don’t say what they mean because they want to please the boy they like. To a girl, pleasing means doing what the other person wants, almost always at the cost of what she wants - or doesn’t want

She’ll have a crush on someone who doesn’t treat her or other people well. She’ll know this, but won’t stop liking the person

Not all girls like boys. Some girls are sexually attracted to girls or question their sexuality early in their teen years

No matter what her sexual orientation, your daughter will likely have strong friendships with boys through her teen years. Some of those friendships can but not always become sexual, but that doesn’t take away the depth of the friendship