when words hurt - verbal abuse in marriage · all marriages experience the conflict and discord...

When When WWords Hurtords Hurt

Verbal Abuse In Marriage

by Jeff Olson

MMarsha’s stomach tightened. She had innocentlyasked her husband Dan what he had planned for the afternoon. She wanted to make sure

he wasn’t depending on her to be at home. She was stillshaken from the anger Dan had expressed the day beforewhen he found out she had gone shopping without tellinghim. For several long minutes in the middle of last night’s dinner he had glared and shouted, and threatenedto take away the checkbook and the car if she didn’t startchecking with him first. So now, the next morning, Marshawas cautiously asking him about his plans for the day.Typically, Dan misread her motives: “Why do I always have to tell you what I’m going to do?” he snapped.

Marsha could feel her body beginning to tense more.“You don’t,” she said timidly. “I was just wondering if youmight like to do something this afternoon.”

CB011 Words Hurt 2col pp 10/27/04 4:47 PM

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

“Well, I just don’t knowwhy you expect me to tellyou everything I’m doing,”Dan said, even more angrily.

“Why are you getting so upset? I never said youhad to tell me everything,”Marsha replied.

“I’m not upset. Youalways make such a big deal out of nothing!” Dansnarled.

“I wasn’t trying to makea big deal out of anything,”Marsha reasoned. “All I didwas simply ask—” Beforeshe could finish explainingherself, Dan cut her off andin a loud voice shouted,“Don’t try to deny it. Youalways do that!” After a fewseconds of awkward silence,Dan slammed his fist on thetable and continued, “Whydon’t you just shut your bigmouth and drop it! Youdon’t have a clue what itmeans to be a submissivewife, and you’re probablytoo stupid to ever get it!”

“Okay, Dan, I’ll drop

it,” Marsha conceded.“You’re not going to get

off that easy,” Dan shouted.“You always try to get in the last word!”

Exasperated, Marshaexclaimed, “But I thoughtyou wanted me to drop it!”

Marsha continued tryingto explain herself, but therewas no reasoning with Dan.He persisted to twist whatshe was saying and to call her more derogatory names. A phone callmercifully ended theepisode. But Marsha leftthat conversation, as shehad left many others,feeling belittled, confused,and guilty. She wonderedwhat she had said to make Dan so mad and why she couldn’t get him to understand her.

Conversations likeMarsha and Dan’s illustratehow spouses can hurt theirpartners by what they say.No punches were thrown.There was no slapping or

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shoving (although therecould have been). Instead,Dan used his words to beatup his wife.

Using words as weaponsis a practice that is as old as human language, but we still don’t give it theattention it deserves. Whilewe have come a long way inunderstanding the damagethat physical and sexualabuse can do, many of ushave still not realized thatwe can injure others withour words perhaps evenmore than with our fists.

The purpose of thisbooklet is to call ourattention to the power ofwords to help or to hurt.While we’ll deal primarilywith the misuse of words inthe marriage relationship,the principles covered can be applied to otherrelationships. Our chiefconcern is for the countlesshusbands and wives whoneed help in understandingand reacting in a proper

manner to varying degreesof verbal control and harm.Together we need to thinkcarefully about words that violate the spirit andpromise of the marriagecovenant.

The Power Of Words

WWe cannot afford tounderestimate theimportance and

power of our words. TheNew Testament writerJames said that eventhough the human tongue is a small part of the body,it has the power to make a tremendous impact (Jas. 3:1-12). The book ofProverbs reminds us that“the tongue has the powerof life and death” (18:21).The language we use tocommunicate with oneanother is like a knife. Inthe hands of a careful andskilled surgeon, a knife canwork to do good. But in the

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hands of a careless orignorant person, it cancause great harm. So it is with words.

The Power To DoGood. The Bible teachesthat a kind word can uplift,nourish, and mend a brokenheart. Proverbs 16:24 says,“Pleasant words are ahoneycomb, sweet to thesoul and healing to thebones.” A well-consideredword can help to restoreconfidence, hope, andpurpose to a spouse whofeels dejected, lost, andconfused. For example,a husband could lift thespirits of his wife by saying,“Honey, I appreciate yourpatience with me lately. Iknow I’ve been absorbed in my work. I’ve taken youfor granted. You’ve beenhurting, and I’ve been toopreoccupied to realize it.”

The Power To Harm. Remember theschoolyard comeback,“Sticks and stones can

break my bones, but wordscan never hurt me.” It’s a lie. Unkind words doinjure—sometimes deeply.Being yelled at or called aname like “stupid” or “idiot,”especially by a spouse, caninflict a wound that willfester for years.

We often don’t takeseriously the power of thetongue to assault and itsability to devastate. A fewinconsiderate words can killthe spirit of a spouse or afriend. Proverbs 12:18states that “reckless wordspierce like a sword.” James

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mWe often don’t take

seriously thepower of the

tongue to assault and its ability todevastate.n



described the tongue asbeing “full of deadly poison”(3:8). Psalm 52:2 speaks ofthe tongue as a “sharpenedrazor” that works to bringabout the destruction ofanother.

Does this mean that we should never cause pain with our words? No.There is a time for “verbalsurgery.” Some situationsrequire the compassionateand skillful use of incisivewords that may cause pain(Prov. 27:6). All of us needadmonition, correction,and constructive criticism at times. Even though theyare necessary, such wordsstill hurt. But this is not the kind of pain that harms(2 Cor. 7:8-10). It is painintended to help us grow.

Far too often, however, aloving motive is missing inthe pain we cause with ourwords. It is more likely thatwe will use hurtful words inthe process of attacking oneanother. Unfortunately, such

instances of verbal warfareare all too common in mostof our marriages. Asregrettable as it is, almostall marriages experience the conflict and discord thatoccurs when both partnersuse their words to controland hurt each other.

Marital Conflict

CConflict is unavoidablein marriage. Becauseeach partner brings

his or her own perspectiveinto the relationship, whichis influenced by gender,family background, and lifeexperiences, most marriagesencounter frequentdisagreements and profounddifferences of opinions.

In healthy relationships,most of these disagreementsare resolved in anondestructive manner.Although married couplesmay strongly disagree,many learn to work through

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their conflicts in a way that allows them to disagreewith each other in acontrolled and respectfulmanner.

It is just as true,however, that most couples go through periodic moments orseasons when they misusetheir words in the midst of conflict. Occasionally,communication breaksdown and turns ugly evenin the best of relationships.All of us have been guilty to some extent of fightingunfairly and not trying toresolve differences as much as we are trying to manipulate, win, or atleast “even the score.”

How Are WordsUsed To Control AndAttack? Knowingly orunknowingly, all of us whoare married have used ourwords to control and hurtour mates. Although theways we do this can vary in intensity from

one relationship to the next, the following is a brief description of the mostcommon tactics couples useto control and attack eachother.

1. Guilt trips are an effective means ofcontrolling people orpunishing people. Whenspouses are able to maketheir partners feel guilty for disagreeing with them orchallenging them, they gainpower over their mates. Theguilt-trip vocabulary can beas straightforward as “Ihope you’re happy now” or“What took you so long?”Or it can be more subtle:“It’s always my fault.” Forinstance, one wife got thisresponse from her husbandwhenever she pointed outone of his mistakes. He wasexperienced at making herfeel guilty for mentioninganything negative abouthim.

2. Faultfinding putsspouses under a barrage of

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criticism. From how theytake care of their things,to how they manage money,to how they look, to howthey drive the car, spousescan pick apart and lecturetheir mates. Whether it’soccasional or ongoing,faultfinding allows spouseswho are dishing it out tofeel superior and makestheir partners feel inferior.

3. Name-calling isapplying a negative word or phrase to a spouse’sdeficiency. Derogatorynames like stupid, lazy,idiot, jerk, dumb, or crybaby are used to make apartner feel small andworthless. Spouses may also resort to characterassassinations like “You’venever been much of a wife”or “You’ll never amount toanything.”

4. Yelling occasionallyoccurs in many marriages.Shouting or blowing up andscreaming statements like“What’s your problem!” or

“Just shut up and leave me alone!” intimidates apartner. It allows the spouse who is yelling to feelstrong and makes the otherfeel weak, defeated, andterrified of doing or sayinganything that mightprovoke another attack.

5. Sarcasm is anothermethod of control, and it isoften a thinly veiled attack.Sarcastic responses such as “whatever” or “sure”(especially accompanied byrolled eyes) discounts andcondemns a partner’s pointof view. Sarcasm obviouslydoesn’t set the mood forhonest discussion. Instead,it frustrates partners andsabotages the conversationin a way that leaves theoffending spouse in charge and on top.

6. Blaming allows onespouse to be exonerated and imposes guilt on theother. When something goes wrong, it’s the otherpartner’s fault. For example,

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one wife asked her husbandto make a phone call for herand then later scolded himfor doing it when the phonecall created a problem withanother family member.One husband blew up at hiswife but then blamed herfor causing his outburst.Blame-shifting leaves theinnocent partner feelingconfused and punished.

7. Put-downs, whethersubtle or overt, are also usedby some spouses to gainpower over their mates. In avery calm yet condescendingtone, one husband wouldtalk down to his wife bytelling her not to worryabout the finances becausethey were over her head.Other spouses may mocktheir partners in public forsomething they did or said.In a public display of powerthey might say, “Why didyou wear that outfit?” or“That wasn’t too bright!”to make their spouses feelfoolish and small.

Why Are WordsUsed To Control AndAttack? In one way oranother, most husbands and wives have resorted toat least some of the aboveverbal tactics. And theproblem is not just aboutwords. It’s about personalselfishness, anger, orinsecurity, compelling us to use words for any of the following purposes:

1. To Get Our OwnWay. There’s a selfishstreak in all of us. To somedegree, we all struggle withwanting to get our own way.One of the things that madeJesus’ life here on earth soremarkable is that Hewasn’t selfish. He alwaysput the best interests ofothers and the purposes ofGod the Father before Hisown, even though it causedHim to suffer more thananyone else in history. Asthe people of Christ, we arecalled to follow His exampleof unselfishness wherever

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that may lead (Phil. 2:3-5).But all of us fall short.At a point of maritaldisagreement, even maturespouses can act childish anddemand to have their ownway. Controlling our matesthrough intimidation orguilt is an effective way toget what we selfishly wantand to avoid personal loss.

2. To Get Even.Retaliation is a majorreason many spouses turnto tactics such as name-calling or sarcasm. Right or wrong, some spouses feelpersonally attacked or letdown, so they seek topunish their mates.They forget or ignore thatvengeance is God’s business(Rom. 12:19). They react outof anger with the intentionof “getting even.” Otherspouses simply take outpersonal frustrations ontheir partners. They’reangry about certaincircumstances or at otherpeople, and they want

someone—anyone—to sufferfor the fact that thingsaren’t going their way.

3. To Hide. Opennessand personal responsibilityare fundamental to amarriage. Without themthere can be no maturing ofthe relationship. It may bedifficult for us to admit, butsometimes we use words tohide and protect ourselves.Like the first marriedcouple, Adam and Eve,we get scared and try toconceal our failures fromour mates and from God(Gen. 3:7-13).

When confronted withthe truth of our harmfulbehavior toward others, wedon’t want to own up. We’reoften too angry over beinghurt ourselves. We’re afraidthat if we do own up,we will be attacked orabandoned. Like an accusedcriminal, we vigorouslydeclare our innocence (Prov.16:2). Following in thefootsteps of Adam, we

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often become defensive andblame our spouses, and evenGod, for our self-centeredbehavior (Gen. 3:12). Forexample, rather than takingresponsibility for how hisanger had made it difficultfor his wife to speak up intheir relationship, onehusband responded, “Howcan you say that about meafter all I’ve done for you!”

To some degree, all of ushave spoken manipulativeand intimidating words toget our own way. All of ushave used unkind words to“punish” our spouses. Andwe all have blamed ourspouses to protect ourselves.When we see this inourselves, we need to be more willing to own up to it and feel sorrow over the specific harm we do to our spouses andthe problems we’ve created.

It is our ownership andbrokenness that begin torepair the damage we’vecaused. Words of open and

honest confession andremorse can begin torebuild trust, and in timemay lead to reconciliationand a return to intimacy.

VerbalOppression In Marriage

WWhile we know thatverbal battles

happen in everymarriage, reasonable andfair-minded people realizethat there is a line betweennormal marital conflict andsevere verbal and emotionalabuse. It doesn’t take greatwisdom to see that when a dominant spouse beginsusing words to habituallycontrol and attack, a criticalline has been crossed. Themarriage has become a one-sided, verbally abusiverelationship where love andrespect have been replacedby self-centered power andcontrol.

When the line between

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normal marital conflict and severe verbal abuse is increasingly crossed,the relationship becomesoppressive. Partners standless and less on equalground. One spouse doesn’thave the freedom to say noor to express his or herviews and opinions. Theother has most, if not all,of the power, and almosteverything must happen on the controlling spouse’sterms—or else.

The Bible doesn’t take any kind of selfishdomination lightly. Seeingthe tears of the oppressedand observing that powerwas on the side of theiroppressors, the writer ofEcclesiastes concluded thatit can seem better to bedead than to be alive andoppressed (Eccl. 4:1-2).

Oppression is a terribleexperience in any context,but especially in marriage.It’s certainly not the mutuallove and respect that God

intended between ahusband and a wife (Eph.5:21-28). Instead, it’s morelike a dictatorship, onespouse lording authorityover the other. To reinforcecontrol, spouses with themost power may try toisolate their mates fromfamily and friends. Behindclosed doors they may alsouse a pattern of physical,emotional, financial, andeven sexual control.

Who Are TheAbusive Oppressors?Experience and research tell us that husbands areusually the ones who areverbally controlling, butmany wives are guilty as well. While husbandscommit most of the physicalabuse that occurs inmarriage, both husbandsand wives have thepotential to dominate theirspouses with their words.

Not all verbally abusivespouses look alike. Some are overtly intimidating

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and demanding—similar tothe sort of person describedin Psalm 10:7 whose “mouthis full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue.”Others are not so obviouslyoffensive and demanding,but are extremelymanipulative. They are like both of Samson’s wives who manipulated and pestered him with theirwords for days on end untilthey wore him down to thepoint that he finally gavethem what they wanted(Jud. 14:16-17; 16:15-17).

How Do Spouses Use Words To Oppress? Spouses who regularly oppress and control their partnersemploy the same verbaltactics used by all spouses—they just use them morefrequently and with greaterintensity and malice.The names they use aregenerally more demeaning.The guilt trips are more

subtle and confusing.The sarcasm is more biting, and the blaming is more intense. They alsoadd a few tactics such asthreatening, demanding,and invalidating.

Threatening. Threatsare used to scare andintimidate their mates.They may threaten todivorce, quit a job, spreadvicious rumors, take awaythe children, or even commitmurder or suicide if theydon’t get what they want.

Demanding. Orderingtheir spouses around andspeaking to them likeservants is a more obviousway to control and oppress.They don’t make a requestlike “Please?” or “Could youdo this for me?” They makedemands. They restrict andboss their partners aroundwith statements like,“You’re not doing that!”or “We’re leaving now!”

Invalidating.Invalidation of thoughts

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or feelings can play havocwith a person’s mind.Controlling spouses often dothis by outrightly denyingwhat they have just said ordone. They distort reality inan effort to confuse theirspouses and makethemselves appear superior.Such mind-games causetheir partners to second-guess themselves. Bynegating what theirpartners think, they can make them doubtthemselves. For instance,when a husband attemptsto tell his wife that he feelsdisparaged by the way shelectures him, she may try to invalidate his point byaccusing him of being toosensitive or by totallydenying that she “lectures.”An extremely controllinghusband might say to hiswife, “I just don’t knowwhat’s wrong with you.Do you really think anyone is going to take you seriously?”

How Do VerballyAbused And Oppressed SpousesRespond? An abusedspouse’s outward responseis based on what is takingplace inside. Inwardly, mostfeel extremely guilty for the problems in theirrelationship. Not only dotheir controlling spousesregularly imply that theyare to blame, they have atendency to take the hit foranything that goes wrong or to feel guilty for havingopinions or desires that arecontrary to or that upsettheir spouses.

An emotion theynormally don’t feel or allow themselves to feel isanger. Being relentlesslymanipulated, belittled, andbossed around is wrong.Such mistreatment shouldcause them to feel arighteous sense of anger.Not all anger is wrong (Eph.4:26-27). But oppressedspouses often don’t even

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admit their own anger to themselves. If they letthemselves feel their anger,they are afraid they mightsay or do something thatwould further enrage theirmates. Many live in theconstant terror of beingabandoned by the one they need and love.

In addition to living withfear, verbally abused womenoften feel that it is theirspiritual responsibility to besubmissive even to abusivehusbands. They fail tounderstand that the Bibledoes not give husbands theright to lord their authorityover their wives. Nor doesthe Bible tell wives that theyare never to question theirhusbands’ abuse of authority.Fearful submission does nothonor the covenant ofmarriage. Nor does mindlesssubmission honor thepurpose for which theScriptures tell husbands and wives to love andrespect each other.

On the outside, manyverbally abused spouseswilt in the face of verbalattacks. Some will complywith their spouse’s demandsand others will apologize forupsetting them. One abusedwife, for instance, wouldalways withdraw in fearwhen her husband blew upat her. Eventually, shewould apologize for askinghim a question or making a statement that he didn’tagree with. He would thentell her that she should begrateful to have a husbandlike him who would forgiveher for putting him throughso much.

In most cases, verballyabused spouses don’t fullyrealize the oppression andcontrol they are pinnedbeneath. It’s as though theyhave a sense that somethingisn’t right, but they can’tput their finger on it. Out offrustration, they often try toreason with their abusivespouses and attempt to

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explain what their abusivemates have misunderstood.They may even ask them to explain why they are so upset. But attempts toclarify are mostly useless.

Abusive spouses don’twant to be reasonable. Theydon’t want honest dialogue.They want to play mind-games by invalidating theirspouses’ opinions or byexaggerating the truth.They pursue a strategy of verbal abuse because it works to control theirmates.

Regrettably, verballyoppressed spouses maysometimes become like their partners and respondwith physical violence.After years of constantmanipulation, irrationality,and put-downs, a verballycornered spouse may snapand lash out physically.But violence never resolvesmarital conflict. God hatesviolence (Mal. 2:16). In thiscase, however, the physical

violence is not characteristicof the spouse’s reaction noris a part of a larger systemof control and oppression.The intent isn’t to reversedominance roles. It’s usuallya desperate, immature wayto stop years of oppressionand mistreatment.

The DamageOf ExtremeVerbal Abuse

VVerbally abusivewords can hurt atany level. But we

are left with damage that is more extensive when theabuse becomes extreme. Youcan’t see the bruises, as youcan with physical abuse, butthe injury is there and isjust as great. In fact, mostextremely abused spousessay they would preferphysical abuse over anothertorrent of guilt-trips, put-downs, and angry words.The misery they experienceis seen in the details of the

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mental, emotional, andphysical harm they incur.

Mental Damage. Thelong-term effect of livingwith an irrational, belittlingspouse is that those who are being abused feel as ifthey’re going crazy. Theyfeel as if they’re going toexplode inside because theyknow something is seriouslywrong but their partnerscontinue to deny it. Theirpartners insist that nothingis wrong, and that if there is a problem it’s not withthem.

One abused wife saidthat she would get sofrustrated and confusedthat she felt like pulling the hair out of her head.She never knew what toexpect. What wasn’t a bigdeal one day to her husbandwould upset him the next.And no matter how hardshe tried to explain herself,her husband wouldn’t evenconsider her point of view.She knew what the truth

was, but her husband wasso clever and persuasive at making her think thateverything was her fault orthat he didn’t say what hesaid, that she felt compelledto believe him. But shealways suspected she wasbetraying her own sense of good judgment.

Spouses who are marriedto mates who regularlyabuse them with theirwords also struggle withextreme self-doubt. Theydoubt their own feelings,judgments, abilities, andperceptions. When theirpoint of view is constantlydiscounted, they begin tosecond-guess themselves.After being so disparagedand demeaned, they lackconfidence in themselvesand in their ability to standup for what they believe.

Perhaps the worstdamage caused by severeverbal abuse in marriage is a loss of selfhood. This is when a spouse begins to

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believe that he or she hasno value or voice. No onecan ever truly take away anindividual’s sense of being aperson of unique value, buta verbally oppressive spousecan come very close. To have one’s opinions, feelings,accomplishments, anddreams regularly mockedand discounted can lead aperson into thinking that he or she is nothing as an individual. Such cruelmistreatment smothers the glory and honor God has given each of us ascreatures made in Hisimage (Ps. 8:4-5).

Emotional Damage.Extreme verbal abusemakes its victims feel smalland powerless. They feelweak and helpless asindividuals to change theircircumstances. After livingin a situation where nothingchanges no matter whatthey do, they slowly give up.They begin to stop caringand start to lose heart.

Many of us who knowsomeone who has beenverbally abused notice this shift in the person’scountenance. The personwho used to be happy,outgoing, and full of energyand hope is now unhappy,withdrawn, lethargic, anddepressed.

Spouses who experienceextreme verbal abuse alsofeel the penetrating knife ofbetrayal. Before marriage,their partners led them to believe they were kind,thoughtful, reasonable, andflexible. Some put on quite

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mSpouses whoexperience

extreme verbalabuse also

feel thepenetrating

knife ofbetrayal.n



an elaborate show ofkindness and respect.Shortly after marriage,however, the dark sidebegan to show itself. Whenmarriage partners turn outto be completely differentfrom what they pretendedto be, feelings of betrayalcan become overwhelming.

The sense of betrayaland abandonment deepensfor many because they also feel let down by theirchurch. Many women whohave been victimized byextreme verbal abusehaven’t found theirchurches to be a place of help. Many churchleaders don’t believe theScriptures give them a basisfor considering verbal andemotional abuse as seriousas physical and sexualabuse. Some believe theproblem will go away if the “offended” partner goeshome and tries to be moresubmissive and loving.

The Scriptures, however,

teach that while words mayseem insignificant, they cando great damage. Words candegrade. Words are like fire(Jas. 3:5-6). Words can behellish in their destructiveeffect (v.6). Words can be adeadly poison (v.8). Wordscan cripple. Words can kill.The sinful use of words canput us in danger of eternalpunishment (Mt. 5:22).

Sadly, the truthfulness of these Scriptures is borneout in the lives of many whohave found that the pain ofdemeaning words can beworse and more lastingthan a physical assault.Having their marriagepartner call them ugly,stupid, or good-for-nothingis a worse betrayal ofcompanionship than a slap in the face.

Physical Damage.Eventually, what affects the soul will take its toll on the body. It’s notuncommon for spouses who have experienced

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extreme verbal abuse tosuffer with a host of stress-related symptoms such as migraine headaches,nervous twitches, or severestomachaches. Victims alsosuffer from exhaustion,TMJ disorders, and IrritableBowel Syndrome. Suchphysical afflictions cancause needless sufferingand disrupt a person’scapacity to serve and to enjoy life.

Responding ToAbusive Words

SSome might think that verbal abuse inmarriage isn’t really

all that serious. But thosewho have been on thereceiving end of it knowhow frustrating anddevastating it can be.

The sort of control andunkindness that shows upin every marriage may notrequire the kind of seriousintervention needed in more

severe cases of verbal abuse,but it does deserve more ofour attention as individualsand within the church.

Whether verbal offensesmerely touch or completelycover the landscape of ourmarriages, we need to baseour response to them onsome central relationshipprinciples. Before turningour attention morespecifically toward some of the particulars of how torespond to verbal abuse inmarriage, let’s take a brieflook at what it means tolove a spouse who woundsus with words.

What Does It MeanTo Love? Most of us find itdifficult to love those whohurt us. To be sure, love isnot simply making ourspouses feel better. It is not merely appeasing ourhusbands or wives. It is notavoiding conflict just to getalong. Put simply, to love isto seek the best interests ofour spouses. This means at

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least two things: First, lovemeans we care deeply forour spouses even thoughthey have lost our trust.Second, love confronts andaddresses sinful patterns in the lives of our partners,even if that upsets them ormakes them uncomfortable.

Jesus, who lovedperfectly, was at timesconfrontational. Heaggressively confronted and chased the moneylenders out of the templewho were cheating peoplewith their inflated prices(Mt. 21:12-13). There weremoments when He madesharp remarks to others(Mt. 23:13-36; Lk. 11:39-54).

Jesus, however,confronted not to get even with His enemies butto wake up those who didn’trealize the damage theywere doing. He confrontedto give offenders theopportunity to acknowledgetheir sin, to repent, and tofind the forgiveness of God.

In the same way, husbandsand wives should lovinglyconfront each other out of a desire to see their matescome to their senses and be reconciled to God andthemselves.

What Can AWounded Spouse Do?Whatever degree of verbalharm spouses are strugglingwith, their response needsto include a greaterawareness of the problem,thorough self-examination,a carefully plannedconfrontation, and awillingness to give theirspouses time to change.As they look and wait for asincere change of heart andbehavior, they should beopen to developing a desire to forgive.

Recognize TheProblem. Verballyassaulted spouses helpthemselves and their matesby learning to recognizehow and when theirpartners are using words

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to control and attack them.They can’t lovingly confronta problem they neither seenor understand.

One way for woundedspouses to better recognizethe problem is to listenmore to their ownperceptions, thoughts,and feelings. They need togive their own perspectivesas much weight as they aregiving their spouses.

If you are in anextremely verbally abusiverelationship, you aren’t asdumb or selfish or over-sensitive or at fault as your spouse has led you tobelieve. Your opinions andperceptions are legitimate.So turn up the volume onyour own thoughts andfeelings. Allow yourself tohear what they are tellingyou. Awaken your deadenedemotions and feel the angeryou’ve been suppressing forso long. Feelings aren’treliable alone as a guide toour thinking, but like one

gauge among many on thedash of a car, feelings are an indicator that somethingis wrong.

Keeping a journal of how and when your spouseverbally dominates orassaults you can also help you understand thepatterns of control andmanipulation you are upagainst. Please understand,however, that the purpose of such a journal is for yourunderstanding, not revenge.Record-keeping shouldnever become a list ofwrongs that you later throw back in your spouse’sface (1 Cor. 13:5).

As you keep this account, you will begin tonotice patterns. These willallow you to predict howand when your spouse triesto control and punish you.Once you realize this, youare less likely to be caughtoff guard when it occurs.You will be better preparedto confront the problem

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when it happens again.Another part of

recognizing the problem is knowing when you needhelp. Addressing seriouscases of verbal abuse oftenrequires strong correctivemeasures. You may not beconfident enough to do italone. You may be facingfinancial or child-care issuesthat you don’t have theresources to handle on yourown. That is why it may beimportant for you to seekhelp from those who havethe experience and theresources. At the very least,you may need to talk with a trustworthy friend orenlist the help of a pastor or Christian counselor whounderstands the dynamicsof serious verbal abuse.In some severe cases, anabused wife may need toseek help from a women’sshelter.

Conduct A CarefulSelf-examination. Withoutminimizing the pain you are

experiencing as a result ofyour spouse’s unjustifiedbehavior, you need to taketime to look within yourself.It is appropriate for you tobe angry and concernedabout your spouse’s sinagainst you, but only afteryou’ve first looked to see ifthere is a “log” in your owneye. Jesus taught that weshould focus on our ownfaults first before weattempt to correct someone else. Then we will be in a better positionto address the faults ofothers (Mt. 7:3-5).

An important part of examining yourself isowning your response to theabuse. If you’ve been in anextremely verbally abusiverelationship, you will find it especially difficult to takeresponsibility for yourresponse because you’vebeen through so much.

You are, of course, in no way responsible for your spouse’s verbal

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mistreatment. Despite yourmate’s attempts to saddleyou with blame, you haven’tin any way caused yourspouse to be disrespectful,manipulative, or oppressive

toward you. You may,however, need to acceptresponsibility for permittingyour spouse to demean you and boss you around.Owning your response helpsto keep powerlessness andbitterness from taking rootin your heart.

Another crucial aspect ofexamining yourself is takinga thoughtful look at whyyou may have allowed your

marriage partner toverbally mistreat andcontrol you. Countlessstories of extreme verbalabuse bear out the fact thata compliant, permissiveresponse is partly due to astrong fear of abandonment,either emotional or physical.This fearful response isoften rooted in a history of anxious and unsettledrelationships where therewas no assurance ofacceptance and support.

Fearfulness often revealsa hesitancy on our part toentrust our well-being toGod. Painful events in ourlives may have caused us to doubt the heart of God.Does He care? Will Heprotect us? These questionseat away at our faith whenthere is reason to wonder if He will be there for uswhen we need Him. So it’s a struggle to trust Him withwhat matters most.

Although we may havedoubts, God does hear our

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mFearfulnessoften reveals a hesitancy on our part

to entrust ourwell-being to God.n



cries for help (Ps. 10:17-18).Gideon, who struggled withdoubt in the midst ofoppression, showed us byexample that wrestlingthrough our doubts inprayer may be a part ofwhat convinces us that Godis for us. We may not findsatisfactory answers to allof our questions, but ourhonest struggle prepares usto see God in a way thatrestores an undeniable faithin Him, even though we stillhave doubts (Jud. 6:1-17).

If you are in anextremely abusiverelationship, your fear of being left alone and your struggle to trust God make it difficult for you to respond in the rightmanner. If you continue toact out in fear of what yourspouse might do, it will trapyou in more self-protectiveresponses that will only addto your trouble (Prov. 29:25).As you struggle with doubts,you can deal with these

matters of fear and mistrustby honestly facing the truththat may be causing you tolive so fearfully. You maydiscover a connectionbetween your painful past and the present wayyou are interacting in yourmarriage. You may learnthat you have beencomplying and trying toplease your abusive mateout of fear. If this is true,you will need to carefullyconsider the effect thatbeing controlled by fear has had on you and others.And you may need torecognize that you havetolerated abuse because you have been trying tosave a relationship that has long since died.

While all of us find it painful to face our losses realistically andacknowledge the harmothers have done to us,our honesty allows us toaccept what we’ve lost andmotivates us to turn to God

24



to mend our woundedhearts (Ps. 147:3). At thesame time, honestly facinghow we’ve mishandledsinful treatment by othersallows us to grieve over ourown wrong responses and to know the thrill of seeingthat our heavenly Fathereagerly waits for us toreturn and put our trust in Him (Lk. 15:20-24). It ishere that we can truly learnthe meaning of Proverbs29:25, which says, “Fear of man will prove to be asnare, but whoever trusts inthe Lord is kept safe.” Eventhough we might have toendure harm from others,we can know that bycontrast to otherrelationships, ourrelationship with God isabsolutely safe and secure,no matter how much we failHim. In the assurance ofHis forgiveness, we can findthe courage and desire torespond properly to averbally controlling

spouse—less out of fear and more out of love (Lk. 7:47; 1 Jn. 4:18).

Confront The VerbalOffenses. The Scripturesteach us to try to live atpeace with everyone “if it ispossible, as far as it dependson you” (Rom. 12:18). Youmay, however, be in amarriage where your spousehas made it impossible tolive in peace and harmony.Your mate is either blind tohis or her offensive ways, ordoesn’t care. In such a case,confronting a pattern ofverbal offense is necessary.

There are two options for you to consider: You canconfront at the momentyour spouse verbally abusesyou, or you can choose atime to discuss your concernat a less emotionallycharged moment. In severecases, though, it may not besafe to confront an abusivespouse alone. You may feellegitimately afraid of aphysically violent reaction.

25



If this is the case, it is bestfor you to confront yourspouse in the presence of a pastor or a counselor.

Regardless of when you decide to confront,the confrontation involvesnaming the abuse, settinglimits, and followingthrough with consequences.

First, describe the verbaloffense. This involves simplyputting words to howyou see your spouse trying to control, punish, orinvalidate you. For instance,one wife said to herhusband, “You may not beaware of it, but I’ve noticedthat you try to intimidateme by yelling. And you aredoing it right now.” Anotherhusband said to his wife,“Honey, I want to have aconversation with you, butit seems to me that you aretrying to manipulate me toget your own way.”

In severe cases, abusivespouses will deny what theydo and will often attempt to

back their partners down with more verbalintimidation. It’s importantto expect such efforts tocontrol and not to getsidetracked. Stick todescribing how he or shetalks to you, and notnecessarily the content ofwhat has been said. Don’ttry to reason or explain atthis point—because yourmate really does not want to be reasonable. As kindlyand firmly as possible,point out that even indenial your mate is stilltrying to control.

Second, set limits.Naming the abuse needsimmediately to be followedby setting limits. While lovecovers a multitude of sins,it also knows when to setappropriate constraints andlimits. Telling your matewhat you will no longeraccept is one way to set alimit. Setting constraintsmay involve saying to yourspouse that criticizing what

26



you do in a degrading way,calling you a derogatoryname, bossing you around,or yelling at you is wrong,and that you are not goingto ignore or accept it anylonger.

Third, follow throughwith consequences.Setting limits means littlewithout consequences. Aconsequence is somethingthat you (not your spouse)will do if your limits are notrecognized and honored. Forexample, one wife said toher husband, “Right nowyou’re being sarcastic andyou’re belittling me. I’ve letyou know that I’m not goingto accept that kind of talkanymore. We need to resolvethis issue, but if you will not give me the samerespect you expect me togive you, I’m ending thisconversation. When you cantreat me with more respect,then we can talk again.”

Another spouse whosewife regularly yelled at him

over the phone told his wife,“You are screaming at me,and I’ve asked you to stop.If you continue, I’m going to hang up the phone. Whenyou can be more civil, I’ll beglad to talk.”

The consequences shouldfit the situation. The moreserious the verbal offenses,the more serious theconsequences. Options can range from leaving the room and ending aconversation to a temporarylegal separation and thesuspension of sexualrelations. In severe cases, amore permanent separationis not out of the question if there is no significantrepentance and change in a reasonable length of time.

Divorce is an extremeconsequence that has far-reaching implications for allparties involved. There is anindication in Scripture thatdivorce would be allowed in an abusive marriage,but without the right of

27



remarriage (1 Cor. 7:10-11;see RBC booklets Divorce & Remarriage [Q0806] andWhen Violence Comes Home[CB951]). Certainly if averbally abusive situationreaches such an impasse,the offended party mustobtain wise spiritual andpersonal guidance from aloving and understandingpastor or Christiancounselor.

Allow Time ForChange. Those who’ve beenhurt by a pattern of verbaloffense need to give theirmates ample time to changetheir behavior. Just as itmay have taken a long timeto recognize the seriousnessof the abuse, abusivespouses usually need timeto understand how muchdamage they have done.In many cases, offenders are so self-centered thatthey have no clue about thedestruction they are causingwith their words. Many feelthat as long as they haven’t

laid a hand on their mates,they haven’t crossed the lineinto serious abuse. Often,they must be compelled tolisten as their partnersdescribe the pain they’vesuffered. Only then can theystart to understand andexpress meaningful words of sorrow and repentance.

It’s important that yourabusive partner is not let off the hook prematurely.Because of habit, self-deception, and self-centeredness, verballyabusive mates will oftenneed time to suffer and bearthe weight of the harm theyhave caused over a period oftime before their hearts willbegin to soften and change.Don’t put too much stock in quick apologies. Don’trescue your spouse fromfeeling the pain of his or hersin. Proverbs 19:19 says, “Ahot-tempered man must paythe penalty; if you rescuehim, you will have to do itagain.” Give your spouse

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time to contemplate theharm he or she caused you,because that’s what it takesfor your spouse to begin tofeel the need for genuinechange (Ps. 51:17).

Look For A RealChange Of Heart. It’simportant that those whohave been severely hurt byverbal abuse know whatkind of repentance to lookfor. Tough love won’t give into a mate who tries to makea quick apology and thenfollows it with a demand forforgiveness. A person whohas had an honest change of heart does not say, “I saidI was sorry, and now youneed to forgive and forget.”

Truly repentant peopledon’t focus on their desirefor forgiveness. That’s acontinuation of self-centeredness. Instead,they express a genuinewillingness to bear andfocus on the pain they’vecaused. They seek help intheir effort to understand

how they try to control andpunish. They are willing tohear what their words havedone to their mates. Theydon’t try to blame theirpartner. They don’t try tomake an apologetic excuselike, “I’m sorry I hurt you so badly, but . . .” Genuinerepentance contains no“buts”!

Truly repentant persons recognize and take responsibility for theirunacceptable behavior. Theyare willing to own up to thefear and mistrust they havecreated for their spouses.They realize that it is wrong

29

mTruly repentant

people don’t focus

on their desire for

forgiveness.n



to expect the one they havehurt to act as if nothing hashappened. Instead, theygive their husband or wifetime to work through issuesof forgiveness and trust.Even if a wounded person is able to extend forgivenessquickly, it is important tounderstand that suchforgiveness may not mean a quick restoration of therelationship. Restoration isa process, not an event.

Learn To Forgive AsGod Has Forgiven You.Few subjects are moremisunderstood thanforgiveness. Yet few actions are more neededthan that of an offendedperson saying, “I forgiveyou.” The necessary thingsare so often the hardestthings to do.

Jesus said, “If yourbrother sins [against you],rebuke him, and if herepents, forgive him” (Lk.17:3). Implied in this simplestatement is the need for

words of rebuke, wordsof repentance, and wordsof forgiveness that trulyexpress the love of God.

God forgives those whohonestly confess their sinand entrust themselves to His mercy. He does not promise to remove allnatural consequences of thewrong. Instead, He releasesthe offender from the guiltand the offended from theanger that would otherwisemake mutual loveimpossible.

Jesus teaches us to loveour enemies (Lk. 6:27-36),but He doesn’t demand thatwe forget or ignore theconsequences of oppressivewrongs. He teaches us tolove others even thoughthey may have harmed us,and to be willing to forgivethose who have sincerelyrepented (17:3).

Loving those who hurt us doesn’t come easy. We allneed time to get to the placewhere we want to show love

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to those who have hurt usso much. But to continue to withhold love is tobecome like the one who hasharmed us. To harden ourhearts and deny forgivenessto someone who has had achange of heart is to returnevil for evil. We don’t havethe right to do this. TheNew Testament tells us thatGod alone has the right ofvengeance (Rom. 12:19-21).

Releasing the right ofvengeance to God is whatgets the bitterness out ofour hearts. Letting go of the debt that a repentantoffender could never repayis showing love in a godlyway. Canceling theunpayable debt of arepentant mate is whatdistinguishes us as a peoplewho have been forgiven byGod (Mt. 6:14-15).

If we do not have any desire to forgive our repentant husband or wife, we need to do some real soul-searching.

Vindictiveness indicates that we are not experiencing themercy and forgiveness ofGod for our own sins. Avengeful, hateful attitudetoward others shows us that our own self-righteoushearts need to be broken bythe countless wrongs thatwe too have committedagainst God and others.

Certainly, such anawareness of our ownwrongs doesn’t excuse the evil others have doneagainst us. But it doesremind us that we are all on common ground at thefoot of the cross of Christ.It makes us aware that ifwe are not willing to loveothers as God loves us, weourselves are in desperateneed of the mercy and loveof God in our lives. Let’s bethankful that His offer ofmercy is still available to us (Jn. 3:16-18).

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ADDITIONALRESOURCES

The Verbally AbusiveRelationship by PatriciaEvans (Adams MediaCorporation, 1996)

The Emotionally AbusedWoman by Beverly Engel(Ballantine Books, 1990)

Angry Men And TheWomen Who Love Them byPaul Hegstrom (Beacon HillPress, 1999)

Christian Men Who HateWomen by Margaret Rinck(Zondervan, 1990)

Boundaries In Marriageby Henry Cloud and JohnTownsend (Zondervan,1999)

OTHER RBC BOOKLETSON RELATED TOPICS

When Violence ComesHome (CB951)

When Anger Burns(CB942)

When Help Is Needed(CB931)

When Hope Is Lost(CB973)

When Forgiveness SeemsImpossible (CB941)

When A Spouse IsUnfaithful (CB001)

When The Flame Flickers(CB012)

What Is The Promise Of Marriage? (Q0805)

What Does God Expect Of A Man? (Q0504)

What Does God Expect Of A Woman? (Q0505)

Divorce & Remarriage(Q0806)

Abigail & Leah: LivingIn A Difficult Marriage(HP972)

The complete text of all theRBC booklets is available atwww.discoveryseries.org.

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Author Jeff Olson is a licensedcounselor in Michigan andworks in the RBC biblicalcorrespondence department.Managing Editor: David Sper

Cover: Michael Forrest

Scripture quotations are from the NewInternational Version, ©1973, 1978, 1984,by the International Bible Society. Usedby permission of Zondervan Publishers.

© 1997, 2002 RBC Ministries,Grand Rapids, MI. Printed in USA.



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when words hurt - verbal abuse in marriage · all marriages experience the conflict and discord...

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