8/4/2019 Who's Checking for You?

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Who’s Checking For You?

Courtesy of That Girl V

About two years ago, I wrote a poem called A Letter To My Sister. It was heartfelt and meantspecifically for my fleshly sister who was experiencing challenges related to self-love. Twoweeks ago, I wrote Beautiful for a dear friend of mine who expressed undervaluing self. Today,I’m writing this post as a continuation of my plea to my “sisters” who seem to be suffering some

symptoms of  Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome. Yeah, I diagnose folks. Anyhoo...

One of my biz bff’s, Poprah lamented that #blackmendontwantusbecause of several reasonsmost specifically being that they want what White men have in order to validate themselves. (P,correct me if I’m wrong because I really tried to get everything you were saying.) Sheexpounded on this by saying that black women are tough and perhaps rejected because of allthe things they’ve had to endure historically, including being the head of household, thebreadwinner, menial laborer, mother, father, spiritual leader, etc. Lastly, she added that she’sobserved endless numbers of black professional women being single, while the “brothers” whohave “arrived” show up to events with White women. My response, “I agree and I see it too”.

After saying, “Yeah girl, I know what you sayin’”, I had screeched on the hashtag

#blackmendontwantusbecause. While we all see black men who don’t prefer black women,what of the countless numbers of them who do? She brought up the ratio of women to availablemen. We talked about opening up options. She and I both challenged black women being justas “selective” and checking only for the Idris look-alike. Then we cordially ended our discussion(read: she stopped engaging cause I was talking too much) after I passionately asserted thatblack men DO want us. Positive black men do want us.

So ladies, this is my spiel and my plea to you: Don’t believe the hype.

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Ladies, pull out your Bibles (books, app, website, whatev) and turn to James 1:5-8. Tell me what

it reads. Okay. Now I know this is in regard to faith but as it applies here, if you pray and doubt

you are unsteady AND you shouldn’t suppose you’ll receive anything. Got it?

So if you pray for a black man specifically, why would you go and then believe that you can’t

attract a black man? Even further, why are you asking for a black man if he REALLY isn’tchecking for you, I mean, if that really were true?

So peep this, do you remember the Egyptian protests? Did you see more than like TWO

Egyptian women in the streets? I didn’t. So what that says to me is that there are a lot of men to

choose from. You might have to go to Egypt but, hey, you want a man right? (Culturally, there

may be reasons why it appeared to be a population predominately made up of men but I didn’t

bother to research deeply. I just saw men and was happy.)

We don’t even have to go that far. How many of you have a friend that is PERFECT and who

has proposed taking the friendship to the next level except you’re waiting for a dude who lives

up to that Chilli-esque list ? I’m not saying that you shouldn’t hold to standards or preferences

but please do assess them and see if they are truly working for you. Some things you may be

able to reconcile and still win.

On that, I always said I wanted a Musiq Soulchild, Common, or Dwele type dude. First thing, I

have NO clue what their moral character is so WHY on earth would I say that’s the kind of man I

want? I just liked the look, the image, and what they appeared to represent--the artsy, poetic,

positive, sensitive, progressive thinking dude who wears clothes made of hemp, eats at Whole

Foods and loves me, my dark skin and my afro. That’s stupid actually. I mean, who chooses life

partners based on that. *Raises hand*. Raise yours too.

Guess what, all men are created equal. That’s what the civil rights movement is all about, right?

Equality. So that means among every nation, there are some good men and some bad men.

Some men may be for you, some men may not. That goes for black men--some may not want

us, some absolutely do. Amongst the “absolutely do” crowd, you should only be concerned with

the one that’s right for and compatible with you. You’re not interested in whether the whole male

species wants you. You must be concerned with being ready WHEN the right person comes up

to you like, “Excuse me miss, what’s your name, where are you from, can I come?”

Choose according to compatibility not ethnicity. Shouts out to Essence for their examination of 

interracial relationships (check the September print issue as well). I’m not saying abandon black

men, but if you REALLY believe that they don’t want you, don’t just sit there waiting for one. Go

holla at Michael Vartan. HawthoRNe did. He’s down with the swirl. Then, remember the

Eqyptian protestors. Loads of testosterone driven, caramel yumminess.

Before you shut a playa down like Poprah did, I’ll bore you with a few more JAS-ervations.

IMO--my humble, unsolicited opinion--if you believe that black men don’t want you, you will

subconsciously behave in ways that make the black men not want you. I’ve done it. I’m guilty.

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Glancing away when passing a man on the street, walking around and not smiling when you

know good and well you want to smile because the brother is smile-worthy, shutting down

compliments to try to appear humble...The list continues. Please. You better hold that eye

contact, smile at a man, and say thank you (SIDEBAR: Never deflect a compliment. It’s stupid

and it makes the giver feel uncomfortable for YOU.) and keep the conversation going when

somebody is flirting with you. If you have problems in any of these areas, get your personaldevelopment on and your self-confidence game up.

Do I have a man? Nope. Still waiting for that alignment with the RIGHT man. I gotta be a little,

no, a lotta choosy because my heart, mind and long term well-being are involved. Is my advice

invalid because of that? Nope. Do I know that I will have a black (or non-black) man? Yep. You

too must know this. Chubby, six foot tall, kinky hair, dark skin and all. I don’t believe ANY of the

limiting prescriptions society has for me and apparently neither do my suitors.

About Jasmine Powers

Jasmine Powers is a marketing and publicity consultant , the writer of the arts centered Cultured GirlsOnly blog, and is the founder of  Natural Hair Parade, a popup event production company for the

#naturalhair #curlyhair community. She enjoys her time writing, being involved in Art/Design and

swimming. She resides in sunny Los Angeles.