Why You Should Support

Bryan Fantana

Thomas Jefferson

May 12, 2010

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Summary

The purpose of this report is to clearly outline the importance of The Official Moon Base

Party of the United States of America. First, we examine the history of the Moon and the

importance of the Moon Base. As we shall see, the Moon Base offers many great advantages for

the United States should we invest the time and resources into building it. Next, we shall look at

what it might be like for the first inhabitants of the Moon Base. It’s difficult to say for sure what

will happen once construction begins on the Moon Base, but there are theories. Then, we focus on

the Moon Base Party and why America needs us now more than ever. Finally, we conclude by

going home and eating cake.

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Table of Contents

Summary ii

Table of Contents (You are here) iii

What’s all the fuss about? 1

Why a Moon Base? 1

What will it be like on the Moon? 3

What’s with the Moon Base Party? 4

Conclusions 5

Appendix A: Stuff I couldn’t fit in the report 6

References 9

What’s all the fuss about?

Over fifty years ago, Vice President Hubert Humphrey, Jr. looked into the clear

August sky and discovered the Moon. Since that day, man has dreamed of going there

and building a large military compound/vacation resort. The Official Moon Base Party of

the United States of America has one goal: to boost support for this Moon Base Initiative.

If America hopes to continue to be a world leader and superpower, it needs to build a

base on the Moon. A military compound/vacation resort provides many great benefits,

including improvements to domestic security and a boost in the financial sector. Settling

the lunar terrain will not be easy, but it is a task we must undertake. There may be some

resistance to this idea, which is why we have created The Official Moon Base Party of

the United States of America. The Moon Base Party will spearhead the Moon Base

Movement and fight for the rights of babies everywhere.

Why a Moon Base?

A military compound/vacation resort on the moon resolves many issues facing

America and the rest of the world. Weaponry on the lunar surface would greatly improve

homeland security. Let’s say one day Chile decided to get all up in our business and

started to pick a fight. Any potential standoff would end immediately once we remind

them of the giant laser cannons hovering above them. This also helps the rest of the

world by reminding them who’s the boss around these parts. A model of the potential

Moon Base is shown in Figure 1.

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Figure 1. A model of the proposed Moon Base. This diagram depicts the Moon Base

after its inevitable hostile takeover by Martians.

But the Moon Base will have more than just military benefits. Constructing the

lunar facility will require financial investment, which will boost the nation’s economy.

Building the structure will be accomplished through cheap illegal labor, which will take

care of the country’s immigration problem. Also, the completed Moon Base will double

as a tourist attraction and a source of merchandizing dollars. We’ll build a big statue of

Benjamin Franklin fighting a polar bear and sell all sorts of related memorabilia. The

public will not be able to resist the Moon Base Gift Shop.

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What will it be like on the Moon?

It is hard to say what the Moon will be like. No one has ever been there [1].

However, we do have ideas. Figure 2 is an artist’s rendition of what the lunar surface

might be like. Some early reports suggest the Moon may not have an atmosphere. Jon

Miller and his assistants over in the research department are currently working on this

minor technical detail and will have a solution before the first phase of construction

begins. Hopefully. We do know once the Moon Base is built the inhabitants will have

two main jobs. Some will remain ready in the event the lunar cannons are called upon to

defend the country. The rest will entertain tourists flocking to the moon. This means the

first pioneers of the lunar surface will be missile silo technicians and carnival workers.

Figure 2. Artist’s rendition of what the lunar surface might be like. Note the chocolate

river and paddle boat are already present on the moon.

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What’s with the Moon Base Party?

To fuel the Moon Base Movement, we have created The Official Moon Base

Party of the United States of America. This group of brave men and women raise

awareness for the Moon Base and its importance for babies around the world. The

interrelations between babies and the Moon Base are complicated, but one thing is

known for certain: not supporting the Moon Base Party is equivalent to hating babies.

See Appendix A for more details. In addition to spreading the word about babies and

the Moon Base, the Moon Base Party also stands as a satire of the modern political

system. The completely over-the-top humor of our group reminds people it is okay to

laugh at the ridiculousness of the political process. One day some poor student, fresh

out of an engineering test, will see one of our campaign posters or overhear members

of the group talking about moon-based laser cannons defending armies of babies from

global warming and that guy will laugh hysterically for a few minutes. We will have

made the rest of his day a little better. We are giving back to the community, one

absurd statement at a time.

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Conclusions

We have arrived at the end of this report. It was a difficult journey. We’ve

laughed. We’ve cried. And now you understand the necessity of The Official Moon

Base Party of the United States of America. We want to push the Moon Base issue, but

at the same time be as absurd as possible and remind everyone to laugh every once in

awhile.

By the way, I didn’t forget about the cake.

Figure 3. Delicious cake.

References

1. “Moon.” Wikipedia.org. 1 Feb. 2008. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moon>

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Appendix A: Stuff I couldn’t fit in the report

This appendix highlights some import figures and trends relating to babies,

America, and The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America that I was

unable to place in the body of the report. You may find some of these figures shocking

and disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised.

Figure A1. Love for the Moon Base v. Love for Babies. This clear, positive correlation

speaks for itself.

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Figure A2. Success of America v. Getting a Moon Base. This clear, positive correlation

speaks for itself.

Figure A3. Results from a 2008 poll asking “How important is the Moon Base to you?”

Overall the population strongly supports America building the Moon Base.

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Figure A4. Temperature-entropy graph for two power cycles. Unfortunately, entropy still

exists on the Moon.

Figure A5. Campaign sticker. Please photocopy and distribute at family gatherings. Note

the sticker is not actually adhesive and therefore it will require you to use tape.

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