Work Family liFeBalancing joB and personal responsiBilities

continued on page 2...

Work & Family Life is distributed by companies and other organizations to their employees and clients. To see

the online version, go to workandfamilylife.com.

E-mail: workfam@aol.com Phone: (561) 818-3670

JUNE 2016 Vol. 31, No. 6

Practical solutionsfor family, workplace

and health issues

what’s insidEEldEr IssuEs Mix generosity with caution

4

parEntIng Helping boys to be more open about their feelings

5

on thE job Dealing with a bully

at the workplace? 6

a hEalthY You Calorie count on popular

restaurant dishes 7

IntErchangE New program to make high school sports safer

3

rEsEarch rEvIEw Do training games

sharpen the aging brain? 3

wE rEcommEnd How to boost motivation

and achievement

8

&

By Mary Cay Ricci and Margaret Lee

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “My daughter has trouble with math, just like I did at her age.” Or “my son’s strengths are in math and science. He doesn’t do well in languages and literature.”

The way we think about and respond to our children and how they learn depends a lot on our “mindset.” This concept came out of research by Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychology professor, who pioneered a shift in our thinking about learning and intelligence.

A “growth mindset,” she says, is based on the belief that one’s intelligence can grow with effort, perseverance and resiliency. A “fixed mindset,” on the other hand, is the idea that intelligence is something you’re born with—and though we all can learn new things, a person’s innate level of intelligence cannot be changed.

Kids’ perceptions play a key role

Dr. Dweck and her colleagues found that students’ mind-sets—how they themselves perceive their abilities—played a key role in their motivation and success. “We found that if we changed students’ mindsets, we could boost their achievement,” she says.

Encouraging a ‘growth mindset’ in kidsWhen children feel upbeat and positive, they can learn even more from working together.

More precisely, students who believed their intelli-gence could be developed outperformed those who did not have this understanding. In other words, when kids learned they could “grow their brains” and increase their intellectual ability, they did better in school.

What we’re learning from brain research

The shift in our thinking about intelligence is based largely on new technology that examines the function and make-up of the brain. Research now contradicts the notion that intelligence is fixed from birth. Both formal and informal studies have demonstrated that the brain can develop with the proper challenge and stimuli.

Neuroscientists, among others, have emphasized the concept of “neuroplasticity,” the amazing ability of the human brain to change, adapt and rewire itself through-out our lives.

Educating ourselves about the way the brain works directly affects our personal beliefs and expectations about kids’ potential and achievement. When parents and children (as well as teachers) learn about the brain’s amazing potential, their mindsets begin to shift.

WFL June 2016 w www.workandfamilylife.com2

A ‘growth mindset’...continued from page 1…

When kids start kindergarten, they tend to assume they can learn and be successful in school. They don’t think in terms of innate dif-ferences in intelligence from one student to another. But by the time students reach sixth grade, many have come to the conclusion that they were born with specific academic strengths and weakness-es that they cannot change—no matter how hard they try.

This is a fallacy, of course, but makes it all the more important to instill a growth mindset into our kids as early as possible—so they can maintain the belief system that “everyone can be successful” when it comes to learning.

Creating a growth mindset at home

Here are some ways to make your home a place where a growth mindset can flourish:

Model flexibility. Communicate that change is an important part of living life. Model this by being flexible when things don’t go as planned. Praise kids for their flex-ibility and adaptability when plans change or success is not instant.

Model optimism. Have a “glass half full” mentality. People with an optimistic outlook can find a positive side to most situations.

Look for something good in a situation that’s perceived as “bad.” If possible, have fun with it. “You broke a glass? No big deal. We’ll have more room on that shelf.”

Notice your fixed-mindset think-ing and try to change it. Talk out loud so your child can hear you doing it. For example, you might say, “I can’t figure out how to complete this form.” Then re-phrase it to say, “I need to check the website or call the bank and ask some questions—so I can fill this out accurately.”

Don’t blame genetics for any-thing positive as well as negative. Avoid making comments like “I’m

not help him achieve that goal to praise him for how hard he is pushing. Instead he needs some-one to help him consider another way (climbing over, digging under the wall) and then he must try it.

It may go without saying also that having a “can do” attitude should not be applied to every situation and could even lead to a harmful outcome. For example, a child might need a ride home after a school event, but he or she may think, “I know my way. I can walk without getting lost.”

The perseverance that you have encouraged and a child is willing to exercise can be misguided. Be sure to discuss age-appropriate sit-uations like this with your child.

For a deeper understanding

For a truer, deeper understand-ing of the growth mindset, Dr. Dweck offers an answer that may be surprising. “Let’s legitimize the fixed mindset,” she says. “Let’s acknowledge that we’re all a mix-ture of fixed and growth mindsets and probably always will be. If we want to move closer to a growth mindset, we need to stay in touch with our fixed-mindset thoughts and deeds.”

She encourages us to check out our personal triggers. Do we get overly anxious? Does a voice in our head warn us away from trying something new or differ-ent? Do we get defensive or angry when we receive critical feedback? Do we feel envious and threatened or eager to learn? “Accept those thoughts and feelings,” says Dr. Dweck, “and keep working with and through them.”

In retrospect, she adds, per-haps she and her colleagues made the development of a growth mindset sound too easy. “Maybe we talked too much about people having one mindset or the other, rather than portraying people as mixtures. We, as scholars, are on a growth-mindset journey, too.” u

—Adapted from the authors’ new book “Mindsets for parents” (prufrock press). see We recommend on page 8.

terrible” at this or “I just can’t do” that. Be patient with yourself. Don’t expect a change overnight.

Giving feedback to kids

Praise what a child does, not who he or she is. Instead of, “You’re so clever or smart,” say “I can see how hard you worked.” Be specific. Focus on kids’ efforts, perseverance, resiliency and strug-gles in the face of a challenge.

Adopt the word “yet” into your vocabulary. When kids say they don’t understand something or can’t dribble a basketball or play a song on a guitar, remind them

skills that must be deliberately developed. In addition to perse-verance and resiliency, these skills include self-confidence, the ability to cope with disappointment and failure—and to accept and handle constructive feedback.

Let kids know that having to work hard is not a sign of weakness, but is something to be embraced be-cause it makes connections that “grow” the brain. “This isn’t easy, is it? That’s okay. You’re plowing ahead and making an effort.”

A repertoire of approaches

The growth mindset is not just about working hard, however. “Certainly, effort is key,” writes Dr. Dweck in Educa-tion Week, “but it’s not the only thing. Kids need to try new strategies and seek input from others when they are stuck. Students need a rep-ertoire of approaches, not just sheer effort, to learn and im-prove.”

Parents can show their appreciation for a student’s work, but it can be helpful to add: “Let’s talk about what you’ve tried and what you can try next?”

that they can’t do it “yet.” Express the idea that success is something a child can influence through hard work and perseverance.

Help kids learn from failure. This is vital to developing a growth mindset and to preparing for challenges children will face in the future. Encourage kids to view failure and mistakes as a way to get feedback and reflect on areas that need more attention. Model and encourage the ability to bounce back from errors and failures.

Don’t forget that innate ability contributes only about 25 percent of achievement, and the other 75 percent is based on psychosocial

getting ready to try out for the school band.

Just don’t overdo it

Some of the things we may do in the name of “growth mindset” are actually quite the opposite. And one of those things is telling kids they’re capable of anything if they just put their mind to it.

While this may be true, simply asserting something doesn’t make it so, particularly when a child does not yet have the knowledge, skills, strategies or resources to bring it about.

Think of it this way: if a stu-dent is pushing with all his might on a brick wall with the goal of getting to the other side, it would

WFL June 2016 w www.workandfamilylife.com

IntErchangE

rEsEarch rEvIEwAutomatic debit plans can be difficult to halt

The U.s. Consumer Finance Protection Bureau reports that

automatic debit payments are easy to start, but hard to stop. Many companies—for mortgage and loan services and payday lenders, to name a few—actively solicit approval for preauthorized debits. But consumers may not re-alize they’ve agreed to automatic renewal of the loan or service.

“it’s a big problem,” says Lauren saunders of the national Consumer Law Center. “Banks are obligated to help customers stop unwanted debits, but they can be slow to do so.”

to stop a scheduled payment, you usually must give your bank a “stop payment” order three business days before the debit is scheduled. You may also need to provide written confirmation.

For detailed information including answers to questions about fees, visit www.consumerfinance.gov and enter the keywords “how to stop automatic debits.” u

susan Ginsberg Edd, Editor & Publisher of work & Family Life, was associate dean at Bank street College. she is the author of “Family wisdom: the 2000 Most important things Ever said about Parenting, Children and Family Life” (Columbia University Press).

this is your column. we invite you to send questions about work and fam-ily life or tell us how you solved a problem that you think a lot of people face. write: dr. susan Ginsberg, work & Family Life, 305 Madison avenue, suite 1143, new York, nY 10165. E-mail: workfam@aol.com.

Ellen Galinsky, Ms, Executive Editor of work & Family Life, is President of the Families and work institute, a researcher on national and international studies, and author of more than 40 books and reports including “Mind in the Making“ (harperCollins).

3

It’s up to the states. And last year alone, 50 high school athletes died and thousands suffered long-term complications from their injuries.

The new program would like schools to adopt four practices:

—An athletic trainer at every prac-tice and game.

—An emergency action plan to re-spond appropriately to an athlete in distress.

—A publicly accessible automated external defibrillator (AED) and a school-based program in its use.

—Climate-related policies to pre-vent heat injury or heat stoke.

Coaches also need to monitor climate conditions and know when

to suspend a practice to avoid heat injuries. And during hot weather and high humidity a cooling tub should be available

Employing an athletic trainer may be too expensive for some schools too afford, but an AED costs only about $1,000 and it can be used to save anyone—players, coaches or spectators.

A pre-participation medical examination is especially critical for young players and should in-clude an EKG if there is any fam-ily history of heart trouble. Plus, coaches should know CPR, the location and use of an AED, the signs of a possible concussion and when to keep a young player on the sidelines. u

QYou’ve written before about concussions in youth sports.

Have you heard about the new program Collaborative Solutions for Safety in Sport? It was created by the National Athletic Train-ers Association and the American Medical Society for Sports Medi-cine. The aim is to provide states with a road map to establish safety rules and policies or laws for high school athletes.

—J.S., Waco, Texas

AYes. It is filling a great need, because currently there are no

nationwide guidelines to help as-sure the safety of kids who play in school or youth-league sports.

New program to make high school sports safer

Do training games sharpen the aging brain?

With so many people living longer, marketers are taking every opportunity to sell herbal supplements, computer games and devices that claim to enhance memory, strengthen

cognitive function and perhaps even delay dementia. But “solutions” for the aging brain have far out-

paced the proof that they actually work. Both the Institute of Medicine and the National Institute on Aging have advised consumers that very few of these products have been shown to promote meaningful, sustainable benefits through well-designed, placebo-controlled studies.

Here’s what we’ve learned.

nAdvAnced cognitive trAin-ing for independent And vitAl elderly (ACTIVE) was a 10-year follow-up study of 2,832 cognitively healthy adults 65 and older. Participants were di-vided into groups and randomly assigned one of three 10-session training programs aimed at im-proving memory, reasoning and speed of processing information (with two subsequent booster sessions) or to a fourth no-treatment control group.

A decade later, 60 percent of the brain-training program participants had maintained or improved their ability to perform activities of daily living—as compared with 50 percent of the no-treatment con-trol group. Participants in the reasoning and speed of

processing groups retained those benefits 10 years later, but the benefits of memory training were lost. These results may sound minor, but given the size of the aging population, even a 10 percent gain can significantly increase the number of older people who are able to live on their own and enjoy life.

ncertAin computer gAmes hAve been shown to improve cognitive skills. Neuroscientists at the University of California, San Francisco reported in the journal Nature that the NeuroRacer game was

found to enhance the abil-ity of older people to multi-task. (Players steer a car on a winding, hilly road while watching for signs that ran-domly pop up and have to be shot down.)

Participants from 60 to 85 who trained on the game for four weeks im-proved their ability to focus well enough to outscore

untrained 20-year-olds—and they maintained the benefits for six months. Effects of the training trans-ferred to other cognitive skills that decline with age such as sustained attention and working memory.

Also, in a review of computerized programs, John Hopkins University researchers found that healthy older people did not have to be “technologi-cally savvy” to benefit from cognitive training. u

WFL June 2016 w www.workandfamilylife.com4

EldEr IssuEs

Keeping elders safe from mail and phone scamsdon’t place envelopes in an un-locked mailbox. Direct deposit checks. Don’t carry your Social Security card or a lot of credit cards with you. Don’t use public computers for financial transac-tions. Keep your personal infor-mation secure at home.

Review bank and credit card statements. Make sure there were no unauthorized charges or indi-cations of fraudulent use. If you bank online, check your account regularly. The sooner you catch a problem, the better off you are.

Be aware that legitimate tele-marketers are regulated. Their calling hours are 8 am to 9 pm. Before asking for money, they are required to disclose the nature of the products or services for sale, costs and any delivery restrictions.

Identify theft

Many scams such as phone call solicitations, phishing and fake checks are after more than quick cash. They want to steal your identity. And once they have your personal information, scammers

Part 2 of a 2-part series

last month we talked about fraudulent schemes targeting older people, in particular: contests, sweepstakes, home

repairs and the grandparent scam. This month we’ll focus on tele-marketing and direct mail come-ons, identity theft and charitable giving. It’s important to keep your older relatives up to date on this new and changing information.

Dealing with telemarketers

There are legitimate telemarketers and there are scammers, and there are some who fall in-between, ac-cording to state attorneys general. The problem is that they all target people who are at home during the day and are also in the habit of answering their phones. Here are some things to remember:

Don’t rely on caller ID. Scammers know how to manipulate caller ID to give you the impression it’s a lo-cal call or from an “official” loca-tion like Washington, DC. Make sure you’re familiar with the com-pany or charity a caller is working for. If not, give yourself time to check it out before committing to a purchase or contribution.

Never give personal information to a caller who initiated the con-tact with you. That includes your birthdate, your social security number (even the last four dig-its), your mother’s maiden name, your first pet’s name or anything that might be used as a password or other identifier. You can never be sure callers really are who they say they are.

Don’t commit to anything on the phone. Ask to see a proposal in writing. Give yourself time to re-search or think about it. As we said last month about the anatomy of a scam: An urgent deadline is often a dead giveaway. Legitimate sales people will give you time to make a thoughtful decision.

“Send that message straight to the trash. Don’t open the link.”

number is 1-800-382-1222. Or you can contact the registry online at www.donotcall.gov. Within 31 days from the time you regis-ter your number(s), telemarketers (with certain exceptions) must re-move you from their call lists.

The exceptions. Calls from or on behalf of political organizations, charities and phone surveyors are still permitted, as are calls from companies you’ve done business with in the past—and have agreed to receive their calls. If you ask a company to put your number on its do-not-call list, it should honor your request. Just keep a record of the date you made the request.

Charitable giving

Americans give billions of dollars annually to charitable groups, and older people are especially gener-ous. Most charities are honest in their solicitation of contributions. But some misuse the public trust, and the lion’s share of your dona-tion goes to the fundraiser rather than a charity’s programs. Other so-called charities are outright scams that play on the sympathies of well-meaning people who only want to help a good cause.

To make sure your charitable donations are going where you in-tend them to:

Give to groups you know and trust. Just be aware that scammers capitalize on the reputation of a well-known charity by changing the name slightly.

Find out how much of your dona-tion supports programs, adminis-trative costs and fundraising. State attorneys general, among others, can give you this information. A good online source is the Better Business Bureau’s charity review program at www.give.org. It tells you if a charity is accredited and it provides financial information, fundraising costs and complaint history. u

can get access to your credit cards, bank or even medical care ac-counts. Identify theft affects mil-lions of people each year and costs billions of dollars.

Its victims are from every age group, income level and neighbor-hood. It can happen anywhere. Thieves can get hold of personal information in the trash, at a store or restaurant where you’ve used a credit or debit card, at the doctor’s office or over the Internet.

Here’s are some ways to stay safe and protect your identity.

Shred papers containing personal information before you throw them away.

Use safeguards. Protect private information. When paying bills,

Destroy financial information that is expired or no longer need-ed before you throw it away. Cut up plastic credit cards.

Most important, never give out your personal information to someone you don’t know.

Opt out of come-ons

There are ways to greatly reduce the number of unsolicited phone calls, mailings and Internet offers you receive. Taking the follow-ing steps can help stop annoying intrusions into your life and limit your risk of identity theft.

Do Not Call Registry. You can place your phone number (both your landline and mobile phones) on the Do Not Call Registry. The

WFL June 2016 w www.workandfamilylife.com

parEntIng

5

Helping boys to be more open about their feelings By Dan Kindlon, PhD and Michael Thompson, PhD

Parents tend to nurture sons differently than daughters. Intentionally or not, we may discourage emotional

awareness in boys. The way we respond to boys—and teach them to respond to each other—is of-ten based on gender stereotypes.

For example, mothers speak more about sadness and distress with daughters and more about anger with sons. Fathers show more emotion with daughters.

When boys express anger or aggression or when they turn surly and silent, their behavior is often accepted as “normal.” But when they express fear, anxiety or sadness, the adults around them often act as if these emotions are not normal for a boy.

We know from research and experience that it’s within the power of parents and every adult in a boy’s life to give him the emotional grounding to make his way in the world. And while every boy’s life journey is unique, the needs of all boys are the same.

The following seven points have the potential to transform the way we nurture and pro-tect the emotional lives of boys. They represent the foundations of parenting, teaching and creat-ing communities that respect and cultivate the inner life of boys.

uGive boys permission to have an internal life. Offer your ap-proval for the full range of human emotions and help in developing an emotional vocabulary so they may better understand themselves and communicate more effective-ly with others

Speak consciously to a boy’s internal life whether he is aware of it or not. Respect it, make ref-erence to it and share your own. If you act as if your son has an inter-nal life, the sooner he will take it into account.

Caring for an animal allows kids to display their natural capacity for empathy.

Instead of saying, “You can try out for soccer or the school play,” you might say, “I know you were disappointed about not getting a part in the play last year. Do you want to take the risk and try out again this year?”

uRecognize and accept boys’ high activity level and give them safe places to express it. Boys need space for their jumping, for their energy and for their exuberance.

The increased emphasis in our schools on standardized tests and scores means that kids are spend-ing more time sitting still and listening. And in many schools, recess has been eliminated and physical education programs have been cut or cut back.

uTalk to boys in their language, in a way that honors their pride and masculinity. Be direct. Use boys as consultants and problem solvers. A good way to find out about your son’s emotional responses is to ask him questions such as: How did your friends feel about that? How did you help your friend? Could you have used some help too? What do you think about the way the adults handled that situation?

uUse discipline to build charac-ter and conscience, not enemies. Getting into trouble is a normal part of growing up. Boys need dis-cipline that is clear and consistent but not harsh. The best discipline is built on the child’s love of adults and his wish to please.

If that impulse is respected and cultivated, boys will continue to be psychologically accessible through their love and respect. If they are unduly shamed, harshly punished, or encounter excessive adult anger, they will soon start reacting to au-thority with resistance, rather than with a desire to do better.

uModel a manhood of emotion-al attachment. Boys imitate what they see. If they see emotional dis-tance, guardedness and coldness among men, they will emulate that behavior.

The potential for loneliness among adult men needs to be ad-dressed in the lives of boys. Help boys maintain their friendships through inevitable conflicts that arise. Recognize, too, that men’s friendships don’t always look the way a woman might like or ex-pect. They may not seem as close or reliable and they may feel too competitive.

uTeach boys that there are many ways to be a man. Boys grow up to be many sizes, pos-sess many skills and do a wide variety of things. Don’t disregard their many offerings or make them feel as if they do not measure up.

We ask a lot of boys morally and spiritually. And when they do things to try to please us, we need to tell them we noticed, support their efforts and express our ap-preciation. u

—this article has appeared previously in Work & Family life. it was adapted from the authors’ book “Raising Cain: protecting the emotional life of Boys” (Ballantine).

Using your son as a consultant doesn’t mean doing everything he wants. It means giving him a hear-ing—starting when he is young. If you are willing to ask consultative questions, put your emotional cards on the table and not be dis-appointed with brief answers, you can communicate with boys.

uTeach boys that emotional courage and empathy are sources of real strength in life. Recognize the people around you who, even in small ways, exhibit emotional courage. Mark Twain’s descrip-tion bears repeating: “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.”

Boys have fears and needs and they are vulnerable. Acknowledg-ing these fears will not make boys weak. It will free them from shame and make them stronger.

Teach boys to respect their own fears as well as the fears of others—because that’s what em-pathy is all about. Encourage boys to display their natural capacity for empathy by giving them op-portunities to take care of animals, babies, the needy, older people and the environment.

WFL June 2016 w www.workandfamilylife.com6

on thE job

Dealing with a bully at the workplace?By Lynne Curry, PhD

Millions of U.S. workers have reported that they experienced or witnessed abusive conduct on the

job, according to a survey by the Workplace Bullying Institute. Yet bullying behavior in our work lives remains a topic most of us don’t want to talk about.

But our silence works well for bullies at the workplace. They feel free to continue to push our buttons and make us react and do things that give them the upper hand. But knowledge is power. Here’s how to recognize and avoid the most common bully traps—and, if you fall into one, how to spring up and climb out.

Bully Trap #1: Denial It’s tempt-ing to deny what’s happening or to minimize, rationalize or intel-lectualize what you’re seeing and feeling. Some people even blame themselves: “I must have done something to provoke this.”

Instead of looking the other way or downplaying a situation, it’s important to let a bully know by your words and actions that you’re aware of what’s going on and want it to stop.

Whatever the circumstances are, it helps to respond as spe-cifically as possible. For example, you might say, “I get it that you think you would have been a bet-ter choice for the promotion. But I was selected. So let’s get past this and try to work together.”

Bully Trap #2: Collusion Some people are really good at getting inside your head. For example, Anne told Karla things about her personal life that Karla embel-lished and spread around the of-fice. Anne was hurt but blamed herself, “I deserved that. I was too needy.” In other words, she allowed a bully to flatten her self-esteem without responding.

Bullying comments have a way of invading a person’s emotional

“We need to talk about what’s going on with your new team.”

and mental space. But we can’t let judgmental people define who we are. We have to be the judge of our own behavior. This can take some “mental skin toughening,” but it’s worth the effort.

Bully Trap #3: Delusion Don’t expect bullies to change if what they’re doing is working for them. Bullies typically rationalize their behavior and feel justified. While you believe in win/win, they see the world as win or lose.

Because bullies hear what they want to hear, your response to bullying behavior needs to be firm and clear. Don’t expect a bully to come to the realization that his or her action has hurt you and to change course as a result. You are the one who needs to change in order to outsmart the bullies in your work life.

Bully Trap #4: Diminishment Do not react angrily or stoop to the bully’s level. Granted, that’s easier said than done—but if you resort to bullying tactics yourself, you can seem to be as much of a prob-lem as the bully. The bully may even play the victim.

Remember, your average bully has had years of experience fight-ing dirty. So you’ll probably lose anyway. To make matters worse, you’ll feel bad about how you acted. Don’t let a bully push you

to legal problems by ignoring an obscure regulation. Molly react-ed emotionally and out of char-acter before she realized that she was being played.

Bullies can hide in plain sight if they keep your attention and energy focused on confronting phony issues while they plan or perfect their next moves.

Sidestep this trap. Don’t take what a bully says at face value. If you are falsely accused, call the bully on it with humor—as in, “nice try” or by firmly stating “not a chance.”

Bully Trap #8: Isolation Just as a wolf pack steers a caribou calf away from the herd, bullies try to cut you off from others to make you an easier target. If you’re not close to people who can help de-fend you, a bully can spread ru-mors and even convince others that you are the problem.

Don’t fall for this ploy. Make friends with coworkers. Acquire allies. Establish an active rela-tionship with your boss. Bullies do not attack people with allies and a wide, deep support base. Coworkers and clients who re-spect and like you can rally sup-port and lead others to question a bully’s motives and honesty.

Never let a bully get between you and your supervisor. Estab-lish a reputation for quality work and a solid work ethic. Docu-ment your accomplishments and keep your supervisor informed, so no one can claim that you have neglected your work or take credit for your efforts.

It takes sustained effort to build a stellar reputation. Act with integrity. Seize opportuni-ties to increase your visibility and to be seen for the quality in-dividual you are. u

—Adapted from the author’s new book “Beating the Workplace Bully: A Tactical guide to taking charge” (amacom).

into being less than the profes-sional person you are. Take a deep breath, assess the situation, and act rather than react.

Bully Trap #5: Submission Does begging, pleading, apologizing or giving in to a bully ever work? No. It’s a signal that he or she has the upper hand—and bullies believe that “weak” individuals deserve poor treatment.

What does make bullies change is negative consequences to their behavior. Show bullies what they will lose if they treat you inappro-priately and what they will gain if they change their behavior.

Bully Trap #6: Passivity It’s hard for nice people to stand up to a loud, negative, complaining bully. It’s easier to remain passive and try to stay out of the line of fire.

Trying to appease a bully is a losing game, too. You can count on them to raise the stakes and use your fear to their advantage. Be aware that bullies hesitate to joust with individuals who are willing to stand up to them.

Bully Trap #7: Gullibility Bullies have a perverse ability to make you believe things that are not true and waste your time chasing non-issues. For example, Pauline convinced nurse Molly that she had unwittingly exposed the clinic

WFL June 2016 w www.workandfamilylife.com

Calorie Count on Popular Restaurant Dishes

7

a hEalthY YouDo I need the vaccine if I’ve had shingles?

The conventional wisdom has been that shingles

is something that happens once in a lifetime. in other words, getting it means you’re “inoculated” from getting it again. But recent research has upended that assumption.

a review of medical records in Minnesota found that the risk of a shingles recurrence is about the same as the risk of a first episode. about 6 percent of adults had a second bout of shingles within eight years of the first.

the CdC now recommends adults 60 and older be routinely vaccinated—whether or not they have already had shingles. the vaccine is ap-proved starting at age 50.

anyone who has had chicken pox can develop shingles (the virus lies dormant in the body). But the mechanism for reactivation is not well understood. in fact, having had shingles once may even be a marker that you are at increased risk compared to everyone else, says dr. Rafael herpaz, a CdC epidemiologist.

another study of adults 50 and older who had a history of shingles reported that a subsequent vaccination was successful in boosting antibodies, and there were no serious side effects aside from soreness at the injection site.

a larger study of 6,000 Kaiser Permanente members who had suffered a recent episode of shingles found that people who had been vaccinated were at a slightly lower risk of a recurrence than those who had not been. But the difference was small and the rates of recurrence were low. Clearly, there's a lot we still don't know about shingles. u

Prone to blisters from running? Try paper tape.covered with thin tape. Others who were not prone to blisters were taped randomly.

More than 200 miles later, most of the runners had developed at least one blister. But a majority (70 percent) occurred on unprotected parts of their feet—very few under the tape. The scientists concluded the tape had reduced the incidence of blisters by 40 per-cent, which they called a “robust effect.”

One small quibble from the runners: paper tape is prone to peel off. So they had to reapply it several times during the long race.

Dr. Lipman advice: Cut or tear a single strip of paper tape and wrap it over whichever part of your foot tends to blister. Don’t wear cotton socks or coat your feet in petroleum jelly. And never wear brand new shoes in a race. u

Blisters happen to just about everyone. And, as most of us know from personal experience, they hurt.

That may be why Stanford University exercise re-searcher Grant Lipman led a study of how to prevent blisters that was published in The Clinical Journal of Sport Medicine.

For the study, Dr. Lipman and his colleagues turned to a group for whom blisters are almost inevi-table: long-distance runners. The researchers signed up 130 men and women who took part in a multi-stage ultramarathon in 2014.

Before the first stage of the race, the runners vis-ited Dr. Lipman’s medical tent and had their feet taped. Runners with a history of blisters (most of them) showed where they had been prone to develop sores in the past. Those areas, usually the toes, were

grEEKGreek salad* 960 calories Gyro 990 calories Lamb Kebob** 1,260 caloriesPastitsio** 1,470 caloriesMoussaka** 1,440 calories* with pita** with pita, rice or potatoes and side salad

IndIanPalak Paneer* 1,410 calories Lamb Vindaloo* 1,170 calories Butter Chicken* 1,470 caloriesChicken tikka Masala* 1,470 calories*with rice and naan bread

mEXIcanChicken Fajitas 1,320 calories Beef tacos 870 calories Beef Burrito 1,190 caloriesnachos 2,170 caloriesQuesadilla 1,070 calories

vIEtnamEsEBeef Pho 940 calories Chicken Chao 530 calories Lemongrass Chicken 1,270 caloriesChicken Lo Mein 960 caloriesPork Vermicelli 900 calories

japanEsEVegetable tempura 1,180 calories Beef Yaki Udon 790 calories Chicken teriyaki 1,150 calories

chInEsEGeneral tso’s Chicken* 1,960 calories Beef and Broccoli* 830 calories Kung Pao Chicken* 1,150 caloriesPork Fried Rice 1,670 caloriesPeking duck (1/2 order) 1,750 calories*with rice

thaIChicken Pad thai 1,480 caloriesVegetable Red Curry* 870 caloriesChicken Kaprao* 1,050 caloriesBeef Macadamia* 1,300 caloriesdrunken noodles with Chicken 1,120 calories*with rice

ItalIanLasagna* 1,530 calories spaghetti and Meatballs* 1,450 caloriesVeal Marsala** 1,570 caloriesEggplant Parmesan** 1,950 caloriesFettuccine alfredo* 2,270 calories*with bread **with bread and side of pasta

—Calorie count based on tufts University nutrition Research Center analysis of average-size entrees at independent and small-chain restaurants in Boston.

WFL June 2016 w www.workandfamilylife.com

Work & Family Life provides information and practical solutions to a wide range of family, job, and health issues. Our purpose is to help our readers reduce their stress and find pleasure

and satisfaction in their many roles at work, at home, and in their communities.

wE rEcommEnd

Editor & Publisher Susan Ginsberg, EdD Executive Editor Ellen Galinsky Editor Anne Perryman Contributing Editor Susan Newman, PhD Contributing Editor for Elder Care Patricia Haines Dayan, ACSW Account Executive Gail Darling

Editorial Office Dr. Susan Ginsberg (212) 557-3555 Email workfam@aol.com Website www.workandfamilylife.com

Circulation and Customer Service Gail Darling, 433 Goldenwood Way, West Palm Beach, FL 33414 (561) 818-3670

Work & Family Life is distributed by companies and other organizations to their employees and clients.

Call for subscription prices and information. Copyright 2016 Work & Family Life

How to boost kids’ motivation and achievement naturally gifted at something, you convey the belief that success is attributable to a genetic trait over which the child has no control.

Instead Marco’s mother might have used what Dr. Dweck calls “process praise,” which is directed at what the child did, rather than who the child is. She might have said “Great hits, Marco. Your prac-tice has paid off.” This changes the fo-cus to growth, prog-ress and continued improvement.

The use of pro-cess praise also leads

to a “growth mindset,” a belief that kids can achieve at a higher level with effort, perseverance and resiliency. A child with a growth mindset is more likely to persevere in the face of barriers.

A “fixed mindset,” on the oth-er hand, is a belief that although we can all learn new things, one’s innate level of intelligence cannot be changed.

Children with a fixed mindset may give up more easily because they believe they don’t possess the ability to under-

stand and certainly not to solve a problem.

Mindsets for Parents by Mary Cay Ricci and Margaret Lee is based on Dr. Dweck’s research and designed to provide parents with a roadmap for developing a growth mindset in their home environment. It has tools for in-formally assessing the mindsets of both parent and child, easy-to-understand brain research and re-sources to help kids of any age be successful in school, sports and extracurricular activities.

Mindsets for Parents: Strategies to Encourage Growth Mindsets in Kids (Prufrock Press) is available in bookstores and online. u

You’re a natural hitter, said Marco’s mom, after a Little League game. But what did Marco hear? That he was

great at baseball? A born good hit-ter? Tough for pitchers to strike out? He’d made his mom proud?

After this, Marco might not see the need to practice hitting because he assumes he’s a ”natu-ral.” What if he starts the next game with confidence but strikes out twice? If this happens at a few more games, he’s likely to feel confused and perhaps defeated.

Marco’s mother used what Stanford Professor Carol Dweck calls “person praise.” When you praise a person for being smart or