work zine vol issue 3

8/14/2019 Work Zine Vol Issue 3

1/12

12 August 2009 Volume: 1 Issue 3

IN THE NEWS

Leading UgandanDaily apologises tocultural leader forslander

Whitney Houstonreleases newsongs after sevenyear hiatus

Clintons score si-multaneous brace

in Africa and Asia

New data showsUS recession maybe ebbing

AIDS prevalencerates shoot up inAfrican youth

Mateos hosts in-teresting bloggersnight

South Africans runriot

Chelsea draws 1stblood

Deal reached inMadagascar politi-cal crisis

Fidel Castro pensbook

Equity bank pyra-mid schemes hitKampala

Chinese Bridewears 2km longtrain

IPHONEs to beused to depositcheques to ac-counts

Africa will not be affected by the credit crunch.

Don't you wish you could find the buggers who

said those words and give them a severe thrash-

ing? At the beginning of this year, general con-

sensus was that the financial crisis would not af-

fect Africa. Some one forgot to tell the boss that.

Coz right now, every thing is being blamed on the

crunch. Mark is

irked by the announcement that there will be no

payrise this year due to the crunch. How about

the longer hours and more money we brought

in ? He asks in vain. Betty is facing similar prob-

lems. We are having heavier workload and tak-

ing up duties of vacant positions. They are no

longer hiring. Its too much stress but at least Im

losing weight. But its not only the workplace be-

ing affected, costs are rising across the board.

Neil swore at the taxi guy when he

was told that there are no more routes at the

money he was offering. Even the walking awa

stunt failed to work.. His exact words were :

bloody %@*& idiot $@#*$ . Paul

nearly cried when he was shopp

and could not believe the price tags on the

shelves . Difficult times call for desperate mea

ures. Stella has reduced on her girls

night out. we used to do two a month but now

do two every three months. And they are more

fun. Johnny is doing the Kenyan thin

of going out only on Friday. I don't do these ka

pala theme nights anymore. Too expensive. A

some weeks I just stay home. Joel in Nairobi

simply travels to kampala to party. Man beer i

cheaper in the Kabakas land. Phionah has

moved to Kigali . There is no night life here.

What would I spend on? she reasons. Rhino

only does house parties. A

whisky bottle from a supermarket and you are

for the night. Eddy has d

covered supermarkets. Beer in supermarkets

so cheap. I just go with my crew and park like

cars in the parking lot and keep refueling from

nakumatt. Music is there and company is cho

sen. what more could you want? (Nakumatt

on weekend nights is filled with crews hangingoutEditor ). Esther just does bulk

shopping. Buy in bulk, save in bulk. some oth

like Hamu have disappea

altogether from the social scene. Kagimu


2/12

Volume: 1 Issue 3

Dial-a-Service (DAS) is a first-of-its-kind, ultra modern, one-

stop information call centre in Uganda. Wholly owned by in-

digenous Ugandans, DAS was incorporated in 2008 and

started operations in early 2009.

DAS was formed with a solution-oriented concept to solve the

problem of availability and retrieval of information in Uganda.What we are trying to do is bring an end to all the neshing while

looking for Directory services. If you get stuck

or lost in tiny Kla looking for a particular com-

panys premises or contact number, DIAL-a-

SERVICE. You like to read, want to inquire

about the price and availability of a book/

novel but dont know the number for Aristoc?

DIAL-a-SERVICE! You want to change some

money but havent looked through the papers yet so you do notknow the forex rates? DIAL-a-SERVICE! Want to impress your

kyana and take her to a fancy dinner, say Mexican, but do not

know if there are any Mexican restaurants in town? DIAL-a-

SERVICE! We encourage each and every company to send us

mini profiles with full contact address info so we can upload it

onto our extensive database.

How it works: Dial 0902-000-000 (MTN) or 0901-100-001 (UTL)

and ask for information on some of the above categories. The

lead numbers are premium numbers so the call charge per unit

is higher than usual. MTN UGX460 per minute,

UGX500 (UTLs was at UGX1,000! We hustled them to b

istic and bring it down).

Besides receiving calls regarding Directory services, w

now getting into Outsourcing. Our infrastructural capaallow us to handle multiple calls (inbound and outbound)

taneously. Telemarketing is one of the servic

offer under Outsourcing. Organisations give u

of prospective customers to whom they want t

ket, train our call agents on their products an

vices and we take it and run with it from ther

other example is Customer Satisfaction Su

Want to know what your customers think abou

product/service? Give us your customer satisfaction questionnaire and let us call them for you. This way you

have your employees tied up in tasks which are not d

generating revenue.

The next time you are looking for business contacts a

dresses or telemarketing and customer satisfaction su

DIAL-a-SERVICE! Try it. For further information find us

13A Lugogo Bypass, Kololo Or call 031226

0777912680 / 0772860554

ORGANISATION IN FOCUS : DIAL A SERVICE

Make a budget. I know you wont

make one but try.

Note each expense. At the end of each

day, jot down where which money

went where. At the end of the week

you will know where al your moneygoes and what expenses can be

scaled back

Withdraw once a week. Get money

from the bank you will need for the

whole week. This cuts down on bank

charges

If you can, do your own stuff like shav-

ing your hair, cooking, laundry, mow-

ing the lawn, repairing the broken

stuff, cleaning the house

Eat in. cook your own food from home.

Avoid restaurants if you can

If you can try night vendors who hit

streets with cheap produce

Buy from farmers directly in the early

morning at the markets on Saturday.

They are cheaper

Buy in bulk. Make a list and buy all

you need in bulk from a store or su-

permarket which offers discounts or

points for purchases

Have a joint savings account with (a)

trusted friend(s). This way, accessing

the money becomes hard

Have house parties if you must pa

Let everybody bring their own b

There will be enough to go round

Fast . Or go on diet. Good for the

body and pocket.

Heavy brunch. Put breakfast and

Lunch together into one meal.

Pack something from home. Thro

in your handbag or briefcase

Cut down on un-necessary expen

Borrow money only if you are goi

use it to make more money

Luwum Daniel < EY >

COUNTING PENNIES; how to save


3/12

Many a time we have had to suffer with the effects ofgossiping. The office gossip has the talent to be both themost hated and most talked to in the office. Talked towhen people want to hear what juicy stories she has tooffer and hated by those who become the subject of thispersons gossip. Can you imagine someone deriving asense of security and importance because their storiesthey have spread are getting a lot of reaction or causinga lot of drama, this is the office gossip.

Her most used phrases include, guess what, can youimagine, and the favorite Let me tell you what isreally happening. This person is usually good for noth-ing at their job and the only way she can have control orsome sort of belonging is through spreading rumors.The funny thing is most people try to keep info awayfrom this person, but however the news always findsitself at her desk, ready to be dispensed to the rest ofthe office. With a lot of salt and sugar added. The big-gest effect she has is misinforming people and distrustamong peers.Many people I know decide to befriend the office gossip

undercover, so as to get info from her and also supplyand hope you are not the subject of her k.b. this is however a wrong move, the gossip should be avoided at allcosts however juicy your stories are, you share them

with her if you dont mind your boss knowing who youare flirting with, etc/ Deal with the office gossip by notdealing with them. Once you have identified a gossip,make an effort to avoid discussing anything remotelyconfidential near them. If they approach you with a new

rumor, politely but firmly inform them that you are notinterested in what they have to offer. Gossips tend toseek out only those who are eager to hear the latest. Hefavorite topics include; who is sleeping with whom,other peoples salaries, senior managers, Bebe Cool andZuena, to mention but a few.Next week, the office flirt.

Barns KalenziAuditor in Rwanda

OFFICE CHARACTERS : THE OFFICE GOSSIP

Some things that grind my nu

Work-zineVolume: #1 Issue #3

e always thought that those stories about varied numpties

ere just jokes and one could not really meet them in the work

ace but how wrong I was. I know some people with IT degrees

ho can't read an instruction manual to save their life. Sexist I

ow, but they are of the petite gender.

oes anyone read the fine print when installing software? Are we

generation of clickers but not readers (OK I

n't usually read these as well but other people should)

hy on earth does the taxi tout not sit in the seat just behind the

ual seat when a passenger disembarks from that particular

at. I hate that they think they must always stay in the front seat

gardless of the fact that all the passengers in that row are still

ere. (Is it just me or do these same touts enjoy great comfort at

r expense?)

hy is there, in every workplace someone who wants to be your

dd, but for some reason you just can't stand the dude? Yes, it

most always is a dude. Sometimes when they talk to you, you

etend not to hear a word. But trust them to insist until

u recognize their presence. Is it just me or do you all plug in an

r-piece even though there is nothing playing on the computer

st so I can totally ignore them without seeming rude? Why do I

en care about their feelings?

hat is the real importance of having a big wedding? Does it

ve ANY advantages over a small homely (read cheap) func-

n?

A workmate planned something small, but the whole world m

aged to impose itself on him and now he's getting to grips w

humongous do.

Ladies, just to alert you, it WILL be a small function (Gosh I h

the trickle of applications doesn't get cut off completely and

a bachelor. Or, do I??? Let me get back to you on that one).

Why do ladies claim they do not want to be the focus of atten

then put on THOSE shoes? You know the ones, the ones ththreaten to shatter the cement with each passing step; not to

mention our ear-drums. Is this not a cry for attention? If it isn

don't know what is.

But more than all this I hate door to door salespeople: clothe

trays, bags, begging and whatnot. I can't abide them. My off

looks directly outside through the gate - it's a converted hou

(stop snickering at the back) - and I sit at the door so as you

come in the gate and walk up the stairs and look in the front

they are looking right at me so I can't avoid being the one

to receive them. "Harro, my name is Blah Blah and I am com

from company XYZ running a promotion..." I don't know how

much more I can take before I bust a cap in someones a***.

Anyway, this rant must be closed out at some point and I cho

this one.

I leave you with the words of Robert Ingersoll

The true civilization is where every man gives to every othe

every right that he claims for himself

Herbert Crispus


4/12

Organizational Culture

12-August-2009

Volume: #1 Issue #3

Eight monkeys are put in a room. In the middle of the room is

a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from the

ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder; all the

monkeys are sprayed with icy water, which makes them mis-

erable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb

the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be

sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the

eight monkeys attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new

monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the lad-

der, he immediately begins to climb up for the bananas. All

the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no

idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the lad-

der.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The

newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the

other monkeys beat the crap out of him. This includes the

previous new monkey, who participates in the beating be-

cause all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no

idea why hes attacking the new monkey.Progressively, all the original monkeys are replaced and eight

monkeys who have never been subjected to the ice water

punishment are now in the room. But none of them will at-

tempt to climb the ladder to reach the bananas, and all of

them will viciously beat the living daylights out of any new

monkey who tries. They actually have no idea why they can-

not go for the bunch of bananas and no idea why they will

beat up any of their lot who dares.

That, my friends, is how organizational culture develops. :-)

Jesse Birungi

National Forestry Authority (NFA) says virtually no timber plantahave been established in Uganda for over 30 years and the 15,000 tares of plantations planted in the late 1960's and early '70's have b'mined' over the last 10 years . Less than 2,000ha of mature plantaremain, yet Uganda needs some 60-70,000ha of plantations just tothe country's projected timber demand by 2025.

Given the poor state of the current plantations, it is a surprising facthat Uganda has excellent growing conditions to support commerctree growth. With good management and the adoption of intensivevicultural practices, growth rates can match the best in the world atimber plantations can offer a solid return on investment.

Uganda has substantial areas of land suitable for timber planta-tions .Potential investors must realise, however, that the areas are msuited to pines than Eucalypts, being in hotter, drier areas.

The main requirement in Uganda is for general purpose timber forstruction, furniture making etc. Pine is very suitable for these markand could eventually replace much of the hardwood timber curren

being used. There is a good market for veneer logs (Nileply Ltd. inJinja), for electricity poles ( Eucalyptus spp.), which are currently ing imported into Uganda and Near urban centres there is a good mket for building poles. There is also substantial market for seedlin

NFA has estimated that on average in Uganda it will cost aroundUshs1.2M per hectare (US$700) to establish a plantation. This coscovers all expected costs up to canopy closure. Costs will differ sigcantly on different sites and also depending on the supervision andlevel of skills of the labour. Other factors that can influence establment costs are the scale of the planting, the level of mechanisationthe timing and frequency of key operations - especially weeding.

A recent independent study carried out for the NFA (by LTS Intern

tional Ltd.) calculated real rates of return (RoR) of 9 to 15%. Wheadjusted for inflation at 5 to 6%, these RoR approximate to 15 to 1financial RoR including inflation, which is very favourable compato plantation investment in numerous other countries

Opportunities exist under the National Forest Plan (2000), ForestrTree-planting Act (2003) and the Land Act (1998) for entrepreneulease land within forest areas for 25 to 49 years to plant trees.

NFA with funding from the European Union has also put in place Saw log Production Grant Scheme (SPGS) to promote the businesgrowing commercial trees in order to develop a sustainable forestrindustry in Uganda.

The main incentive for private growers is the planting grant providunder the SPGS, which covers half of the estimated establishmentcosts.

Sourced from http://www.sawlog.ug/gpage3.html and Tom TwesiMore information can be got from National Forestry Authority

RETIREMENT WATCH : TR


5/12

it happened again! KINYIIZO NO.1 REPLAY!

Work ZineVolume: #1 Issue #3

So Im in the office, commenting on some blogger's writings, when the boss comes up

o me and asks to put in an order for lunch at some expensive restaurant down the

road. It being one of those things they just happened to forget to put in the job descrip-

ion, I do as Im told. The rest of us wait for our simple lunch, and enjoy it, while the

boss looks on, waiting for his. The hunger must have been unbearable, coz seconds

ater, he stands up and leaves for his office. In the middle of my meal, his order ar-

rives. Wrapped in labeled foil with a decoratingly scented receipt, I receive the order

and go up to the boss' office to get the pay. He happens to be on the phone, and if I

remember well, I was told never to interrupt a phone call unless my intention was to

get sacked. Seeing that it was taking too long, I decide to pay for him, then claim my

20,000shs later on. How would he refuse??

So I do just that!

tell him about the pay and he agrees to refund my money as soon as possible. This

s before he realizes he is almost late for a meeting, eats his food hurriedly like some

hungry girl I remember in my school called Rita who never had grub and always

waited for school meals, and rushes off to the car, leaving me dumbfounded.

Of course he will be back. Its just two o'clock. The meeting will surely be done by 5.

5 o'clock reaches. No car, No boss.

5.15! Still nothing. Ill give it 30 more minutes.

5.45. Silence.

At 6, I search my handbag for some coins, and decide to slope to the stage, get a taxi

or 300, and walk the rest of the journey home. Its not that far anyway. Ill claim the

20,000shs tomorrow.

So I start my journey. First of all, I must emphasize that the day before I had put on

my new plada shoes (anti Chinese duplicates), and they had left blisters on my feet,

hus the reason for the flat shoes. So Im thinking, this strolling thing is not so bad. I

could actually get used to it instead of the occasional boda< bodas are commercial

motorcycles that ferry people around town at breakneck speeds without any regard to

raffic rules> home. I even start humming to that new song of miki wine's that I sent

Mike at work. Life doesn't feel so bad.................YET! So I finally reach the bottom of

he slope, and, yes, Im still modeling as usual on the road feeling the diva, when I lift

my leg and step on the ground. I know you wont believe me, because I couldn't be-

ieve it myself! I had actually walked out of my sole. As in I had walked and left the

sole of my shoe behind. I swear I never knew this was even possible. I thought shoes

only get fishes, and things like that. To think i had to find out this was possible in front

of a main road with traffic jam, and no boda man in sight. I start to panic. (OMG I think

just saw my classmate. The one I had a crush on for two years.) What social sui-

cide!!!!!!

After dragging my sole on the ground with my foot like a lame goat, this boda m

comes up to me.

'Nyabo ogeenda?'

'Ye ssebo.< Yes please>' I answer, as I watch him come and park in front of me

(Do bodas park???) Anyway, knowing I have only 300shs which was supposed

be for my taxi, i decide to do the only noble thing a lady in my situation would d

Flirt-beg!

'J'ebaale ko ssebo'

'J'eebale' he answers!

'Ensuula!' I think its some kind of greeting. I always hear pe

use it!

'Eyange nyabo?'

'Ye! Eyiyo ssebo!'

'Hmmm. Bulungi.' He says with a frown, then adds 'Nyaabo Oge

< Madam are you sure you are going?>'

At this point i have to do it. I'm almost in tears. I move closer so no one can ove

hear our conversation.

'Bambi ssebo nyamba. Nsaba ontwaale wali eli kumpi ku

kobula! Engatto yange eyulise!' I managed.

'Ompa meeka??'

'Ssebo nkwegayiridde! Nina bisaatu byoka by'engenda okozesa

'ngattoNgenda na taambula paka' eka! Nsasira baambi!'! !

After what felt like a lifetime, he agreed to take me to the cobbler. As thankful a

was, I had nothing to give him. All I could do was stand and wave as he left.

I turn to the cobbler and give him the shoe.

Without even blinking, he says, in his proudly broken English, 'Zat willo be seve

andred!'

Never in my life had i imagined id gasp at such a price. But thanx to my humble

face, I was able to have him settle for 300shs. The walk home was exhausting

painful!!!

But not as painful as tomorrow will be if the boss denies me that 20 bob!

Name Withheld but if you send me an email, I will send you the writer's

blogED


6/12

Work-zine

The sleep was alright but you have to get out of it. You pause your phone's

soft rock playing gently and you kneel to say a prayer. Five minutes later,

you tune to BBC on your phone as you rush to the closet. You go through a

few shirts and single out one you think you didn't wear last Wednesday, just

in case your friends in the fellowship cell notice and taunt you about having

particular shirt for Wednesday. Time is badly against you as you iron your

clothes. By this time, you know a complete shower is a waste of time. So,

when you hit the bathroom, you overlook using the sponge but pour water all

over your body. You don't like the clammy feeling so you use some soap to

give you that fresh smell. You soon dress up smartly, rush breakfast, run out

of the house and start shouting taxi taxi.

An hour later, you're at your office doorway feeling a little sweaty. The boss

can't get his quizzical gaze off of you. You blame the jam and after a few

minutes of unease, you start feeling fine because you're now used to this

routine. They are never going to fire you for reporting late anyway. If they do,

the whole world will know how unfair the boss was; or perhaps he has a

thing against you. You turn your PC on and messenger opens automatically.

The fruit girl walks in and you snap your fingers. She steps over and you

draw out a coin as she drops a tin full of jack fruit and mango chips on your

desk. There is not much work to do actually. The boss is buried in his Red

Pepper and murmuring all political comments you care less about. You cant

make a music playlist because you came late. So, your workmate has all this

local music playing for all of you to swallow. You reserve your comments

because you don't want him to comment when you play yours... after lunch.

You're tired of the habitual people on your yahoo messenger so, you check

out your new friends email addresses on Facebook and start inviting them

one by one. But soon after, everything gets dull and boring. On the ot

hand, your colleague is nodding to his music and his face is glued to

monitor with a smirk on his face. As you brood over stepping out for a

fresh air, you remember you didn't resolve some very big issue you h

your fianc. You rush downstairs and signal the airtime man for 2K. H

scratches it for you as you reach for the phone in your pocket. Someh

you dont feel it in your pockets. You rush back up hoping to find it on

desk but still you don't find. Then you remember! It's on your bed! In

bedroom! You forgot the thing at home. You start using all kind of ina

sulking language. You rush back down and use the booth to call your

but her phone is off.

Ironically, this it the time that serious work sets in. Unexpectedly, the

drops a huge file on your desk and signals to you that you know what

with it. With all the confusion in your head, you start cursing again, wo

ing why he had to wait till this specific time. By lunch, youre still work

file while your mates start leaving one by one for their lunch break. Yo

put, working the file until everybody reports back. You dont even reco

that you didnt adjust the music playlist while your competitor had gon

lunch.

Late in the evening, you are very exhausted and anxiously salivating

grip on your phone as you board back home. You find twelve missed

and seven of them are from your fianc. You have six messages and

from your fianc. The first message reads, stp ignorin me plz. The s

reads, Liar, we thru! fool!

The moral; It isnt just your job at risk when you re late for work.

By Mugisha Ivan

YOU MIGHT NOT GET FIRED BUT...

Ring! Ring! goes your TELEPHONEYou know that its me, but u act un-beknown.Beep! Beep! goes your TELE-

PHONEYou read my text, it makes u blush,but your still aloof as the ozone.

Many times i Ring! Ring! your TELEPHONEBut its like getting blood from a stone.Many times i Beep! Beep! your TELEPHONEBut u just thought me as a spare cologne.

Ring! Ring! goes my TELEPHONEI know that its u, but I hold my own.Beep! Beep! goes my TELEPHONE,I read your text, it makes me gloat, coz i know am more

wanted than the rolling stone.

U now wish for my Ring! Ring! on your TELEPHONE,As u have now realized u cant go it alone.U now wish for my Beep! Beep! on your TELEPHONE

Coz its contents had the melody of a xylophone.

Wish u had picked your TELEPHONE,Before my heart had became as cold as a headstone...

And now you are left to moan, with your pathetic TELEPBecause am already gone

BY Philip Njagala

TELEPHONE

SENSUALITY


7/12

Are you a blogger ? Would you like your articles to be published ? If yes, do send

them with your blog URL to the email addresses provided on the last page.

SPARTAKUSS

WORK--Zi

I tend to get insulted when Abid takes his time to wait forthen call me, tell me to quickly put in my UTL line so it canfree call, and finally ask me to submit an article for the idler'sner. To quote his exact words, ' write about nothing. Kind ononsense.'It gets me thinking; does he really think I think of nonsensecause it is a known fact that what comes out of someone is alformed from within, and I may not be one of those doctorshave the ability to cut people open and see what exactly is wbut looking down a loo, I can tell its pretty good!

Anyway, so, to help him out, seeing as i am a kind person w to spread love wherever i go with my kindness knowing if icall on those who have received it, they should respond witblinking, i decided to write an article on what i am thinking aright now.For those of you who are blessed enough to know me, you ki love money. I love making it, i love getting it, i love spendiIm hoping a day wont come when ill love begging for ityeah; i love money. I think it makes the world go round. M

is the reason i submit articles, in the hope that when Abid firealises i do a better job at editing than he does, ill get paid foMoney is the reason i wake up every morning to go to wSince im in charge of petty cash and i can withdraw monebehalf of the company, it makes my day to just be there and at notes.Money is the reason i am alive. If my dad did not have the mohe had, im sure i would not be alive because my mother (seeii can tell she is sharp (and that is a compliment)) would not married him, let alone lay with him.Money!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only I had a lot.This love for money drove me to understand that talent

education at making money any day. Tiger Woods, those fballers, the actresses and musicians can all testify to that.Which Engineer did you ever hear had a wedding whershipped his guests to Italy and booked them into luxurious slike some celebrity i heard of?? Which doctor??? Unless hedoctor in a movie!You see! Talent beats education anytime.Now after i had finished that thought, i decided to look deepmyself and try to figure out what exactly my talent is.I must say after realising that holding money, smelling mopicking out people with money from a crowd and generally baround money will take me no where, i am inclined to tryother talents like laughing at people who fall down, laughindeformed- faced people, throwing tantrums, getting pissed nothing (generally being moody), and talking to Abid.Wish me luck

By Sara Akelly. You can read more about her thoughtthoughtless thoughts on her blog http://serakelz.wordpress.c

have been informed by our dear editor that I have to findmething to write about this time, and not just writeothing. Can you imagine the effrontery? Do you haveny idea how hard it is to write a full page of nothing? Doou have any idea how talented I have to be to do that andet still hold you enthralled for the whole page? It gets

d, he says. It gets old!! IT GETS OLD??!! He doesnten have the balls to say that to my face. Gets old myot. So when I told him very sweetly that a corner of thelers corner is mine and I do want I want with it, he hase nerve to say hes scrapping the page!! Now that justakes me mad!!

mean, in the entire e-zine thingy that is the first page Io to!! (ok, that might have something to do with havingmake sure he hasnt messed around with my brillianceo much, he tries to do that sometimes you know. It couldso have something to do with actually having my name

n print on it also, but seriously, it is a pretty good pageou have to admit!!) And after trying unsuccessfully toipe the smirk off my face that he has again failed toange it in any way, I go on and read akellys article,

hich usually just makes that smirk even wider, yep, thewo best writers (in my own very, very humble opinion

at cannot be argued with) are actually published onat particular page.nd now he has the nerve to say he wants to scrap it!!

Well, if I find my article (which had better be published

w) shoved into some forgotten corner of this mag-zineingy, I am going on strike!! And not the sit-downind either, the kind that puts tears in your eyes and hasour nose running a marathon like that Pheidip-des, chap. And no, not because of some overwhelming

motion either but because the tear gas is thicker thanmfortable. (I hear the 2K7 and 2K6 graduates fromAKUNIKA built up some sort of immunity against it,

ut that wont help you this time, uh uh, if I go out, itsoing to be with a bang!!)

ow where was I? oh yeah, Im supposed to be writing anticle! Well thats done, and neatly so. J.bid, Grr!!

y Brain B. Coutinho who has a blog that he rarely up-ates but is writing his own novels. Yes I said Novels!!!!


8/12

TO BUY Or Not TO BUY: thats the question

I dont want to fail

12-august 2009

Volume: #1 Issue #3

met Peter many years back. What else could we

but reminisce about the Sunday school days and

nsider our relevance in the Church now that a few

ack hairs were appearing on our chins?

mething Peter said to me that I keep meeting like

e numerous crossroads as this century ever so

ovides. Ronald, he said, This one thing I pray,

at I may never have to first land in the gutter be-

e realising my folly. I want to see mistakes and

ngers looming and steer away from all those

uld be mistakes. I nodded saying surely that is

e good way to liveoking back, I realise that bees do not love nectar

I do trouble, and mistakes have been and con-

ue to be common place. I mean how else do you

plain escaping from Fort Portal to Kasese, to

parently start over? At 10 years? You must be

kidding me no pun intended. And that is even not

to mention substituting a pen for a cheap fishing

hook (and boy does a reed make for one fine fishing

rod). You cannot blame me; Fort Portal is a very

generous place J.

I still miss being chased by the holy men of Virika

Parish (in cassocks) for enjoying a good afternoon

nap at the holy cemetery, but is that not the most

silent place for a well deserved fishing break? I am

a saint when compared to Wamala who almost

fathered Kaija and Nyakake in a cemetery in spite of

his Burdens.I happen to work in an industry in which a day with-

out saying I am sorry (of course covered up with

words like oversight) is as rare as remembering

half your girlfriends shopping list (or is it just me?)

Perhaps to rhyme mistakes at the workplace are

commonplace.

Enough of mistakes weve probably all said

way too often and need not be reminded. I just

thought of Peter and his prayer one more time

Perhaps I should be ashamed I have grown to

my pit falls and mistakes as they have left bea

scars and much more. Do not get me wrong, I

not praying to fall a little more, far from it; I am

reluctant to pray my falls away.

Peter, I really hope you get to live the fall-free

you so wish, but many years on? Here is to say

sorry I will not be joining you soon.

Rwakigumba Ronald


9/12

Work-Zine

Okay, so it is another day at work and Ive just realised that Ive

hopped through basically the majority of restaurants and kafun-

das in town. From Arua Park to Kosovo on Bombo Road, St.

Anthonys (RIP), to Shoprite Lugogo, and no, I have not hopped on one leg. Just

walked there and ordered away to calm that pang called hunger. Its healthy to have

proper meals I am told because after a few days it tells on you and by then youre too

sluggish to do your work, losing concentration and your workmates are wondering why

your so dull. So Ive broken from usual bread and water from Shell Select to occasion-

a l l y i n d u l g e i n a c o o k e d m e a l , w h a t e v e r i t i s .

So any way those men who work in town will probably know Akeyos, a Kafunda hid-den next to the washing bay opposite DANIDA. A favourite of vegetable and local

foods with Kalo, Matooke and anything smoked thats if its fish or meat. Apparently all

my lady colleagues at work have jam to go with me on a date there but that is nothing

p e r s o n a l .

Before I forget this, there is this day I had a pang for goat meat, so I get out and move

around town. Yes, I was looking for goat meat. Caddys, Alexandras, E-taste, Tham-

muz, Tammys, Hot Chips and even the Chef did not have it! The only place that had it

everyday, My Food, had been closed and the only place I was certainly sure to find

goat meat was Wandegeya, in some eating place not restaurant (where my friend

Sam orders for beans and rice, mbu he doesnt eat meat) two restaurants away from Ifeel like a chicken tonight, but who cares anyway, Im not a chicken! Parted with

4 , 5 0 0 / - f o r r i b b e d g o a t m e a t . D e f i n i t e l y w o r t h i t .

But talk of Hot Chips and Ive never found a restaurant with chips as warm as Hot

Chips. Located where Fido Dido once thrived, these guys cut their beef into tiny

blocks of meat and drown them in a dish of vegetables, spices and water called beef

for 3,800 and chicken 4,800. Peas and that stuff! No. Not hot chips. Alexandras is the

place for that. Located on the same floor as Bank of Africa on Kampala Road but on

the backside of the building, rests this amazing vegetable home. Order for Peas and

v o i l a ! W h a t a t a s t e !

Now, you may not wonder why Im a fan of goat meat but lol! Its meat and it has some

of the best ribs south of the Sahara! Damn! Had to attend

experience session and now Ive lost track of this lugamb

Wanted to say something about this spot behind the Oran

com and MTN on Jinja Road. Its something about goat meat but I cant r

w h a t

Anyway, for the adventurous, the Lunchtime meals served within the sup

are taking toll! Shoprite, either Lugogo or the old park) is a blast. Anything yo

want provided you are at the counter at least before 1.40pm cause by th

foods are finished. A decent meal will go for 6,000 and a quite heavy one fo

Needless to say my workmates and I have left the bliss of Kampala Road juthis food and head back to the office to devour it! Same as Uchumi Garden

only problem here is that you would not know how much you are to pay ca

have these weighing things, so the food is packed, weighed and then the pri

to you at the counter and no, you cannot return the food! You have to pay fo

and then cause the line is long and pressing against your back and you can

the food, so if your going for it make sure you are well

The Chef! Mhm! The place to be. This is where every minute is worth you

This is a Friday treat cause after such a meal your day is useless ... but wel

For 6,000 you get to choose what you want to eat at this sumptuous buffe

pumpkins, rice, posho, French beans, beef, chicken, boiled plantains .... matter if you want to serve only chicken or meat! Damn! Serve your fill and s

table to eat your heart out or your tummy full. Top up with salads, spiced g

e s h a b w e a n d e n j o y y o u r t r

With two and a half hours to lunch Im contemplating my next mission. Not g

this time. Not Kasalinas. It has a buffet for 5 grand but they serve you t

Maybe Ill go back to Shell Select and get my Bread and water again. Bye th

prices above are in shillings not dollars so dont quake. Come to think of it. Ca

one call all these guys and say I just advertised them?

David Oluka Okia

Mbu Lunch

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. Whenarrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no, the man replies.

Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

Cant,breathes the bartender. Hes not here. Is there anything I can do?

Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message, she continues, running her forefinger across thebartenders lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suckthem gently.

What should I tell him? the bartender manages to say.

Tell him, she whispers, there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

HUMOUR CENTRAL : I WISH


10/12

Volume: #1 Issue #3

Office Entertainment

f you hear this message, wherever you stand

'm calling every woman, calling every man

We're the generation

We can't afford to wait

The future started yesterday and we're already late

............John Legend

have a belief in my ability to put words together, I have decided that I was born to

do nothing better. I have found my reason for being and I believe in myself. I have

not been formally schooled in these things but I learned to read, write and other

hings. Somehow I have come to the realisation that I was meant to tell stories. I

have been talking to a lot of people lately and I have come to realise that many peo-

ple cannot truthfully answer the question What is my purpose? There seems to be a

ack of self belief. Dincy pointed something out for me the other day that somehow

belief in things other than God seems to be a unique thing. Why is this so? Why do

we doubt ourselves and each other so much? When is it that we settle for less than

we are? Why is it that many of us are unhappy with our lot in life but cannot do any-

hing to change it? Why is it that you wake up every day, go to work and at the end of

he day feel like youre slaving your life away? Remember those dreams you had

when you were younger? Where have they gone? Are you living them now or have

hey disappeared into the ether like figments of your imagination? When did you lose

hat belief? How do you find it again?

guess each one of us must take his or her own road to self discovery. Mine has led

me halfway round the world and pushes me to go farther and I know it might get

harder along the way but I walk with the simple belief that what I do is right. Many of

us have come to believe that the more material wealth we acquire, the more our

actions are justified. We have embraced the concept of individuality to such an extent

hat we do not care who we hurt as we climb these ladders in life. We have become

ndifferent to the world around us and would rather know less about the people

around us. Perhaps we try to shield ourselves from hurt and disappointment but in-

stead we become that hurt. We have lost our way, we have lost our dreams.

We must believe again. We must believe in ourselves and each other. We must be

united; it is the only way we can move forward together, for what is the greater good

but to move the human race forward? Where else do we start but with ourselves? I

believe that there are those among us that can lead, teach, inspire and change lives.

Find yourself, your purpose and your dreams. Stand up and say here I am. Stand up

and be counted because tomorrow starts now!

Raymond Kukundakwe The writer has

nteresting thoughts and even more interesting experiences including stints as a

Kojja at bridal showers. Check out his blog for more.

If Youre Out There

For most of us that were schooled in the Kampalaties got the opportunity to watch the latest episodor Prison Break a week or earlier after its release. Wwere able to catch with the latest movies from Hwood (no one was interested in the other Woods)

Cineplex could put a price to it. And all it cost us wgreat knowledge of a network of friends and the ncomputer or DVD in the hostel or university hall.

After we were graduated we still kept in touch anwhen we went on to work (slave for some of us fso-called multi-national organisations which turn really be capitalist extensions where our colleaguemore developed nations gain experience, but thatstory for another day) we were able to maintain thof free (read pirated) movies and series.

This has led us to have a good rapport with our wcolleagues (fellow slaves) where we have become known distributors of great new movies that they have otherwise have watched at Cineplex after doaway with their daily consumption of fruits and threducing the sales and economic well-being of thiin the informal sector. By saving our colleagues (afruit sellers) we the distributors of these series andies have become a resource that cannot be done awwith in our various offices.

This has enabled some of us to use this distributio

take a lax and laid back approach to our actual wowhen taxed by our superiors of doing a better job (guys in this case donno about the ladies?!) make iwith giving the supervisor a privilege of watchinglatest blockbuster before his/her managerial colleAnd I can attest to this that it has also enabled me only to keep my work but to also go a step ahead employment ladder (read gain more of my emplorights).

As such I reckon that most by now are seeing howmost unserious dude/chic maintains his/her posiand even does a number on you when managemeawarding best employees at the annual Christmasner in Munyonyo. Well the answer is now with yonetworking with benefits, these being the movies.

Rafayilli


11/12

Hot Hangout : Javas FUN SITES http://funehumor.com/fun_doc2/

fun_0251.shtml

http://www.world-mysteries.com/sar_6_1.htm

Www.extremefun.net.tc

Javas is found at City Oil petrol station

opposite YMCA. Before you even ask,

the answer is no. You don't smell any of

the petroleum products while you are

there. Its totally secluded into a world of

its own. Regulars like Rhino and Davis

know the waitresses by name. Let me list

the good points

Its attached to a supermarket from

which you can buy anything you

want and sit down to partake.

Its Muslim owned/run. No alcohol or

any pork served. This means that

you will never be disturbed by ine-

briated fools.

Its a hotspot and coffee house

meaning you can do your surfing

easily with a steaming hot freshly

brewed cup of coffee served with adark forest. Various foods and

snacks

Best milkshakes in town

Movie-style booths for comfort

Various power points for your lap-

top

Amazing assortment of dishes

Optical nutrition

Work-zine

FLORENCE BUSINGE

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dad :[email protected]

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Events, Ads and

everything else


12/12

Now that I'm through with the workzine (Beef, Abid), I can casu-

ally reflect on things that can casually be reflected on. The first

of these things is that the president actually arrested two police

officers. That they had broken the law is beside the point, but, the whole president? Isn't this a bit, a tiny bit, below him? What, next he will attend our Local C

meeting? Or will he try to arrest boda bodas who have no helmets?

Really, I can imagine a ceremony for passing out police officers where the Master of ceremony says..."If you misbehave enough, the president will arrest you.

me up for misdemeanor!

While musing on this issue, browsing through the newspaper I came across a picture of some 'important' guy showing local residents how to use a pit latrineShocking, yes, but what was more shocking is that HE WAS IN A SUIT. He could have at least taken his pants off...

Then there is this kid at home who is noisy at hell, except when she's stalking you. You'll be doing your stuff, you know...going crazy and stuff, thinking you a

alone, while singing into a hair brush or something. Then you turn around and...freeze... The gu Kid is standing there and watching! "How long have you been

ng there?" You wonder, but the kid cant speak. You look embarrassed now, so don't even bother to continue....

Potholes...I will keep singing this song until the liberation of Uganda's roads. Since the last ''Pothole update", the potholes have been working on the comman

God to the f irst man: "Be fruitful and multiply." Them potholes have been getting busy, making little pan holes, expanding them into pots, then making more

pans...and on and on. Meanwhile, as the kings of the family tree, they are no longer just potholes, they are now GRAND POTHOLES. Watching with pride as th

holes wreak havoc on our cars.

Have you ever seen guys driving on the side of the road? It's because the rolling curve on that part of the road is much better than a sudden drop in the midd

he tarmac road.

Have you ever seen Ugandan drivers swerving, driving from left to right on the road? It's because they are SOBER. They are dodging potholes. Anyone who d

straight for more than 1 km in Kampala needs to have his breath analysed....

Have you ever been in a taxi whose driver thought it only fit to hit every hump in the road? I have, and it's not pretty. But I think it's coz they are tired of dodgi

potholes the whole day...

Have you ever been on a boda boda (that's a motorbike, for those who are gaping) whose rider thinks it's fun to just bump every hole in the road? Get off and

him.

BY OTAaLA SamUEL

Work-zine Vol1 Issue3 12HOUSE of PaYNE by the Keba

POLICE MEN ARRESTED Nobodys safe!!!

Dictionary meaning Pain: An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of

severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.

Yes, that is exactly what it was. I closed my eyes in total fright the moment I realized

what lay ahead of me. The obvious reaction would have been to retreat but no! This

was not the kind of situation where one had the luxury to retreat as that would not only

delay the inevitable but also make it all worse! I looked left, then right. Up, then down!

Front I couldnt look back! I couldnt look at anything near the source of the pain. I

was all alone! This was my day! What could I do? TRY AGAIN! That was all there was

o do. So I t ried again, this time taking in a few quick gasps of air before holding my

breath and giving it all I could. Amid all the quiet was me screaming for help, only, it

was my soul screaming since I couldnt part my lips from my teeth. Stop! Stop is what

did coz one more second of that pain would have turned me into a Silhouette in this

ife that seemed to have curtains of steel coming down on it!

Father in the name of Jesus. Came the words out of my mouth as I started my

prayer, my last prayer! There was no escape from this one! I started evaluating my

chances of making it to heaven. To make it, I needed to rid myself of any spot whatso-

ever, which included the fact that I had given up. Yes, giving up meant that I had

doubts in Gods ability to get me out of any situation. Just like that, I found myself

situation where I had to TRY AGAIN or risk going to hell! By this time my vest was

from the thick sweat that oozed from my skin pores. I tried opening my eyes but a

could see was a blurred image of what looked like a bottomless pit. I swung my h

all over, looking for anything I could hold onto. If I had to overcome this, I needed

help!

I managed to get support from two solid objects on the east and west of this hell

whore I was in. With strength born out of desperation, I TRRRIIIIED again, this tim

letting out a little deep Aarggh! Whatever it was that I was PAYing for, I had cert

done it a gazillion times over; even the devil was getting worried! By now, I could

remember where I was. There was a brief moment where the world stopped rotat

the light took a tea break and the air for the very first time got leave from earth!

***SHHHHHHH*** Then suddenly, a Tsunami of relief rushed through my system

the piece of shit (make that GU-PIECE) left my A-H and headed for the toilet bow

can never forget that feeling. ...then it all came back to me. I was in a freakin toile

F*** constipation!!

articles in this e-zine are provided by you. In case you want to contribute to a specific column or any random thought , please do. Send your writing or comment or advert to [email protected] or [email protected]. If you want to get a free co

to your email , please send an email with the subject subscribe to the aforementioned emails.

member this publication is free. All personal announcements are free. All adverts for start-ups are free.. All party invites are free p

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work zine vol issue 3

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