wssfc quality of life/ethics track session 2 dealing with difficult people, difficult … ·...

WSSFC Quality of Life/Ethics Track Session 2

Dealing with Difficult People, Difficult

Clients (Yours and Theirs), Difficult

Attorneys, and Difficult Others – Part 1

Dr. Kenneth H. Waldron Monona Mediation and Counseling LLC, Monona

10/15/2014

1

Dealing With Difficult People

Presenter

Ken Waldron, Ph.D.

Overview

• Difficult Clients, yours and theirs

• Difficult Case Attorneys

• Difficult Others

Three Types of Difficult Clients

• Divorce induced difficulties– Divorce induced emotional states

– Divorce induced personality problems

– Divorce induced conduct problems

• Chronic conduct problems– Violence

– Substance abuse

– Hedonism

• Problematic personalities

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Problematic Personalities

• “We rarely think about personality patterns and adjust how we deal with them; we simply consider one person nice and another a jerk and go about our business.” (Bill Eddy, 2009)

• Management, not treatment

• The attorney is not responsible for “treating” the party but is responsible for developing and enacting strategies preventing difficult people from interfering with the settlement. (Koritzinsky, 2013)

What is Personality: What are problematic personality traits?

• A collection of thoughts, feelings and behaviors in patterns

• Three selves, each with its own personality:

– Public Self

– Ideal Self

– Real Self

• A personality trait is one cluster of thoughts, feelings or behaviors

Healthy Personality

• The 3 selves overlap greatly

• The person has many personality traits from which to choose

• The person can maneuver flexibly between personality traits

• The person recognizes context and displays personality traits that fit the context

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Problematic Personalities: General

• Gaps between the 3 selves

• Narrow range of traits from which to choose

• Lack of flexibility in moving from trait to trait

• Difficulty recognizing context and choosing traits that fit

• Life‐long practice of coping mechanisms to manage themselves and their lives; highly skilled at maneuvering in relationships

Recognizing Problematic Personalities: General

• Strong Emotions: able to convince people of their “story”; emotions consistent with content

• Dependence on Others: recreate the drama with everyone in relationship to them

• If you look forward to or dread upcoming meetings, you probably have a problem person

Recognizing Problematic Personalities:General

• Drama: drama is reassuring, even when painful. “I drama, therefore I am”

• A wake of destruction in their lives: they hurt people

• Self‐sabotaging: self‐destructive: they hurt themselves

• Non‐reflective/compromised cause and effect reasoning

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Recognizing Problematic Personalities: What they all have in common

• Narcissism: self‐involved; selfish; hedonistic.

– Life long DT: self involved to other focused

– Early DTs: Supplies – empathy – compassion

– Narcissism is “getting stuck” on supplies

– Get stuck for one of three reasons:

• Didn’t get supplies

• Overindulged in supplies

• Distortions: e.g., supplies paired with pain


• Pervasive Blaming: externalizing the causes of problems; errors in thinking

• Chronic Internal Distress: caused by cognitive distortions and emotions

• Inferential Thinking: Believe the thoughts; develop belief systems based on inference

• Compromised Cause/Effect Reasoning: Act “as if” how they wish things were rather than how things work


• Rule Breaking: “mands” and compliance

– Laws

– Boundaries

– Social convention

– Loose relationship with the truth

• Distorted Sense of Proportion: minor/trivial v. major/substantial; all or nothing thinking

• Unrealistic Expectations: entitlement; chronic side‐taking; cannot walk away, even from a win

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• Control through Manipulation: fear of being dominated, so control information; control‐avoidant behaviors

• More on drama: can be positive drama –sexual attraction; charm; money/success

Recognizing: the take‐aways

• Strong emotions – believable

• Elicit strong emotions in others, positive and negative

• Create destructive drama – drama is the goal

• Non‐reflective; poor cause and effect thinking

• Highly self‐involved; entitlement; blame

• Break rules; avoid the control of others

• They have been practicing all their lives; they are good at it

Managing Problematic Personalities: General

• Structure: Have clear and consistent, predictable rules with regard to your engagement and follow them.

• Avoid Accepting Invitations into Drama: Problem Personalities are adept at provoking strong emotions in others; this is an invitation – do not accept.

• Display Courtesy, Respect and Duty: they are used to being treated as jerks.

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• Never criticize or directly confront: “a personality has a will to survive” (Lester, 2003)

• Do not look for traits that are not there: empathy, compassion, guilt, shame, long‐term thinking, logic, cause‐effect reasoning, self‐reflection

• Retain Referent Authority: be willing to go to the mat on this one; define law as different from fair


• Four Stages: Bonding; Structure; Reality Testing; Consequences (Bill Eddy, 2009)

– Learn the clients objective and subjective goals and priorities (bonding on goals)

– Set conditions of engagement (structure)

– Shape case (reality testing)

– Predict outcomes (consequences)

Managing Problematic Personalities: Specific

• Dealing with Narcissism:

– Focus on the meaning of steps, strategies and behaviors to the client

– Clarify the gap between what the client deserves and what the legal system does

– Listen respectfully, be empathic but bifurcate emotional issues from legal tasks – stay on legal tasks with structure

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• Pervasive Blaming and Chronic Internal Distress: – Bifurcate the emotional experience from the legal process

– Empathize and then return to the legal task

– Refer to a counselor for emotional support

– Remind that emotions/blame/guilt/shame lead to bad deals and that good legal strategy leads to the best deals possible

– Create a new enemy for the blame: “the system”


• Dealing with Inferential Thinking, Manipulation, Strong Emotions, Dependence:

– Get the facts; remind the client that the justice system is about what can be proved, not what is the truth;

– Consider alternatives, but do not confront

– Remind that making un‐provable claims is a losing strategy


• Compromised cause and effect reasoning:– The “I’m missing something” question

– The “alternatives” approach

• Dealing with Rule Breaking:– Avoid anger; focus on consequences to them

– Listen respectfully to the subjective goals instruct on alternatives

–Maintain the structure of your engagement

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• Distorted sense of proportion

– Set priorities

– The rule of 7 2

• Unrealistic expectations

– Educate (natural optimism; realism)

– Use the subjective priorities of the client as standards to measure the importance of issues

– Have some rehearsed responses


• Control Through Manipulation

– Stick with your rules of engagement

– Do not get angry/frustrated – do not accept the invitation to be a bit player in the drama

– Do not threaten, predict consequences

– Gently confront with reality – not personal confrontations

Take‐Aways

• Bond, structure, facts, consequences

• Do not confront – clarify

• Do not accept invitations into drama – have neutral responses

• Watch for and undercut inferential thinking

• Do not look for traits that are not there

• Point out consequences, especially for rule breaking

• Maintain referent authority

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Closing

• “Never underestimate the power of pathology”

• Problematic personalities have enduring patterns of behavior . . . Well‐intentioned lectures and routine negative feedback about their dysfunctional daily lives have no lasting effect on their behavior”

• But they are people too

Dealing with Difficult People

Presenter

Kenneth H. Waldron, Ph.D.

Monona Mediation and Counseling LLC

2 - Waldron

1. Overview: difficult clients, yours and theirs; difficult case attorneys; difficult others

a. There are three types of difficult people in a divorce case:

i. Divorce induced difficulties:

1. Divorce induced emotional states: anxiety, caused by fear;

depression, caused by loss; guilt, caused by a wish to undo or

actual misconduct; shame, caused by social insecurity or religious

belief.

2. Divorce induced conduct problems: separation engendered

domestic violence (29% of all domestic violence); open conflict in

front of children; affairs before or shortly after a separation;

substance abuse; parental alienation syndrome.

3. Divorce induced personality problems: narcissism; errors in

thinking (e.g., projecting the blame onto spouse, rationalizing

misconduct, etc.)

ii. People with chronic conduct problems:

1. Violence: 4 patterns of chronic domestic violence:

a. Male controlling violence (26%);

b. Chronic wife beating (18-20%);

c. Chronic husband beating (18-20%);

d. Psychotic or paranoid (male and female, 8%).

2. Substance abuse.

3. Hedonism: sexual addictions; gambling addictions; chronic

irresponsibility.

iii. Problematic personalities (personality disorders): “We rarely think about

personality patterns and adjust how we deal with them; we simply

consider one person nice and another a jerk and go about our business.”

(Bill Eddy, 2009).

1. Difficult people have problematic personality traits;

2. The goal is management, not treatment;

3. The attorney is not responsible for “treating” the party but is

responsible for developing and enacting strategies preventing

difficult people from interfering with settlement. (Koritzinsky,

2013).

b. What is personality: what are problematic personality traits?

i. Personality is a collection of thoughts, feelings and behaviors in patterns;

ii. We each have three selves: a public self (how we behave with others); an

ideal self (what we would like to be like); a real self (who we are by

ourselves – including thoughts, feelings and sometimes behaviors that we

do not even reveal to people to whom we are close).

iii. A personality trait is one cluster of thoughts, feelings and/or behavior

(e.g., how we are at parties with close friends).

iv. A healthy personality: the three selves mostly overlap – the person is

generally their real self, with some exceptions, in public and is close to

their current ideal; the person has many personality traits to choose from

3 - Waldron

(e.g., a funeral as opposed to an office party); the person can maneuver

flexibly between personality traits (e.g., laughing at a party but shifting to

sympathy at a sad story); the person recognizes context and displays

personality traits that fit the context (e.g., a parent at a child’s event).

v. A problematic personality: has gaps between the three selves; has a

narrow range of personality traits to choose from; lacks flexibility in

moving from trait to trait; has difficulty recognizing context and choosing

traits that fit; has life-long practice of coping mechanisms to manage

themselves and their lives in the face of the problems they create; can be

highly skilled at maneuvering in relationships.

2. Recognizing Problematic Personalities: General

a. Strong emotions: they are able to convince people of their “story;” their emotions

are consistent with the “story;”

b. Dependence on others: they recreate the drama with everyone in relationship to

them (including their attorney);

c. Elicit strong emotions in others, sometimes negative but sometimes positive.

d. If you look forward to or dread upcoming meetings, you probably have a problem

person.

e. Drama: drama is reassuring, reaffirming, even when painful – “I drama, therefore

I am.”

f. Wake of destruction: in their lives – they hurt people.

g. Self-sabotaging/self-destructive – they hurt themselves.

h. Non-reflective: they have compromised cause and effect reasoning.

3. Recognizing Problematic Personalities: What They All Have in Common

a. Narcissism: they are self-involved, selfish, and hedonistic; they are stuck in their

infancy and toddlerhood when they just want what they want.

b. Pervasive blaming: externalizing the causes of problems; errors in thinking;

c. Chronic internal distress: caused by cognitive distortions, emotions and the failure

of their coping mechanisms to improve their lives;

d. Inferential thinking: they believe their thoughts; develop belief systems based on

inference;

e. Compromised cause and effect reasoning: they act “as if” things are as they wish

rather than how things work (entitlement);

f. Rule-breaking: laws, boundaries, social convention, honesty;

g. Distorted sense of proportion: minor/trivial vs. major/substantial; all or nothing

thinking;

h. Unrealistic expectations: entitlement; chronic side-taking; cannot walk away,

even from a win if not everything;

i. Control through manipulation: fear of being dominated by others so control

information and avoid compliance.

j. More on drama: can be positive drama – sexual attraction; charm; money/success.

4. Recognizing: the take-aways:

a. They have strong emotions that make them very believable;

4 - Waldron

b. They elicit strong emotions in others, positive and negative;

c. They create drama that is almost always destructive, both to themselves and to

others;

d. The drama is the goal;

e. They are non-reflective and have compromised cause and effect reasoning; they

have difficulty seeing themselves or situations objectively or seeing what is really

causing them almost constant distress;

f. They are highly self-involved, feel entitled to what they want and when they do

not get what they want they blame others (including their attorney);

g. They break rules and will go to great lengths to avoid being controlled by others;

h. They have been practicing all of their life and are good at what they do.

5. Managing Problematic Personalities: General

a. Structure: have clear and consistent predictable rules with regard to your

engagement and follow them;

b. Avoid accepting invitations into drama: problem personalities are adept at

provoking strong emotions in others – this is an invitation to be a bit player in his

or her movie. Do not accept;

c. Display courtesy, respect and duty: they are used to being treated as jerks;

d. Never criticize or directly confront: “a personality has a will to survive” (Lester,

2003). A confrontation feels like a threat to survival and the personality will go to

the trenches.

e. Do not look for traits that are not there: empathy, compassion, guilt, shame, long-

term thinking, cause-effect reasoning, and self-reflection.

f. Retain referent authority: be willing to go to the mat on this one; define the law as

different from “fair” but as a way to control chaos. Present yourself as the guide,

who has your clients interests at heart and you know what you are doing. If they

want a positive outcome, they must do as you say.

g. The relationship: four stages – bonding, structure; reality testing; consequences

(Eddy, 2009):

i. Learn the client’s objective (what they want) and subjective goals (why

they want it) and priorities (bonding on goals);

ii. Set the conditions of engagement (structure);

iii. Shape the case (reality testing) – there is a difference between the “truth”

and what can be proved; making unprovable claims is a losing strategy.

iv. Predict outcomes (consequences); a work in progress.

6. Managing Problematic Personalities: Specific

a. Dealing with narcissism:

i. Focus on the meaning of steps, strategies and behaviors to the client (not

others, even children);

ii. Clarify the gap between what the client deserves and what the legal system

does;

iii. Listen respectfully, be empathic but bifurcate emotional issues from legal

tasks – stay on legal tasks with structure;

b. Pervasive blaming and chronic internal distress:

5 - Waldron

i. Bifurcate the emotional experience from the legal process;

ii. Empathize and then return to the legal task;

iii. Defer and refer to a counselor for emotional support;

iv. Remind that emotions/blame/guilt/shame lead to bad deals and that good

legal strategy leads to the best deals possible;

v. Create a new enemy for the blame: “the system.”

c. Dealing with inferential thinking, manipulation, strong emotions and dependence:

i. Get the facts: remind the person that the legal system is about what can be

proved, not what is the truth;

ii. Consider alternatives but do not confront - “That might be the way to go

but let’s make a list of responses and estimate what will happen” (i.e.,

predict outcomes).

iii. Challenge the “belief” that the inferential thinking led to: “He just doesn’t

want to pay child support.” “You could be right, but what would be

wrong with that; people are supposed to consider the financial

consequences of their decisions. Are you saying that he does not really

love the children or want to be involved in their lives?”

iv. Remind that making un-provable claims is a losing strategy.

d. More about inferential thinking: have a toolkit with responses to inferential

thinking:

i. “Did she say that or are you guessing?”

ii. “That’s a good guess and you are probably right, but we would be foolish

not to consider other explanations.”

iii. “That could be right, but I am not sure that we can prove it.”

iv. “That is probably right but let’s check it out so that we do not make a

mistake.”

e. Compromised cause and effect reasoning:

i. The “I’m missing something” question. Ask the person to fill in the gap

between the cause and the effect – e.g., “I understand that she was cold

and distant (he was busy) but how did that lead to you having an affair?”

ii. The “alternatives” approach. E.g., “I can think of three or four other

possible causes of that, why are you so sure that is the cause” or “Many

parents do that but their children do not refuse to see them.”

f. Dealing with rule breaking:

i. Avoid getting angry; focus on the consequences to them;

ii. Listen respectfully to subjective goals and instruct on alternatives;

iii. Maintain the structure of your engagement.

g. Distorted sense of proportion:

i. Make list of priorities: some based on the client’s goals; some based on

your understanding of the “system.”

6 - Waldron

ii. Instruct on the rule of 7 plus or minus 2; the court (or guardian ad litem) is

only going to be able to focus on 7 plus or minus 2 points/issues – you

have to whittle the list to the most important ones.

h. Unrealistic expectations:

i. Educate on the law;

ii. Define early the subjective priorities of the client; use those to measure the

importance of issues as they arise;

iii. Have some rehearsed responses: e.g., “It is natural in an ambiguous

situation to be overly optimistic, experience teaches us what to actually

expect,” “There is always a difference between what should be and what

is,” “Maybe with a different judge, but with this judge, this is what you

can expect to get,” “There is a range of possible outcomes – what you

expect is at the high end of that range but it could turn out to be the low

end.”

i. Control through manipulation:

i. Stick with your rules of engagement; make sure those include deal-

breakers;

ii. Do not get angry or frustrated – do not accept the invitation into the

drama;

iii. Do not threaten, predict; e.g., “If it came out in a custody study or trial that

you did that, you would probably lose the case;”

iv. Gently confront with reality – not personal confrontations (e.g., “You are

talking about the way it should work, not the way it does work”)

j. Take-aways on management strategies:

i. Bonding, structure, facts, consequences;

ii. Do not confront – clarify;

iii. Do not accept invitations into the drama – have neutral responses;

iv. Watch for and undercut inferential thinking;

v. Do not look for traits that are not there;

vi. Point out consequences, to the client, especially for rule breaking;

vii. Maintain referent authority.

7. Closing:

a. “Never underestimate the power of pathology”

b. Problematic personalities “have enduring patterns of behavior . . . well-

intentioned lectures and routine negative feedback about their dysfunctional daily

lives have no lasting effect on their behavior

c. But they are people too – be kind and respectful.

wssfc quality of life/ethics track session 2 dealing with difficult people, difficult … ·...

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