Stoopedovermybabygirl'sfigurelyinginertontheexaminationtable.Myrightarmdrawnbytheheelofmyhandshiftingdownbetweenhershoulderbladespullingmytorsolopsidedandmypalminacollargriprestingmybaby'sneck,freetiltingherheadback.Vulnerablebyanimalsensethespinenervouswingsexposedtotheopenroom,bringstheblindclumsymovements,skepticofthedaredupcomingnoisytoapiggybackassault.Inretaliationsquintovermyleftshoulder.Wheretheintermediatefiguresinredallweatherjacket,andheavyallterrainbootsvanishedinsmokeandarousedanintriguinginvelvetpawsmovements.Arrivingfromoutsideinadynamicwhiteoutfits.Inaglitchoftimeshedoffjackets.Distinguishedbyfinemovement.Anurseswappedplacethroughthebrightfluorescentinteriorlightingstoopinginanapparentouterbodyintotheparamedicfemalefigurestillghostinginmind.

Standingattheexaminationtablemyrightarmproppingmybabydaughter'sheadtiltedbackward,Isearchedaneyecontactacrossthecoupleabreastinaweartoweddingoutfits.Askedthedoctor'swife,"[Dutch]canwehaveanother?"Promptedbysightattheexpiringhissingfromthenozzleoftheoxygenbottleinmysparehand.Shequitsgazingherstoopedhusband,thetuftofhairobliteratingthebabyfaceduringthemouthtomouthoxygentransfer.Swift,herfigureinswirls,inmyrightfieldofsightshedisappears.Returningtoofaroffthedoorwaywiththeheadsign,[Dutch]Privateindicatingtheblinddiagonalaxisacrossthefloorsheborrowedashortdistance.Ahandwrenchingtouncapthevalve,shecontouredbymydaughter'shead,sayingtoherhusbandinaconcernedtoneofvoice,"[Dutch]It'sourlastbottle!"

Unconcern,thedoctorgrippedthebottlefromhiswife,toholdthehissingvalveclosetomouth.Asheengendersaturnofrole,Idroppedathought,askingmyself,Wheredohekeeptheoxygeninhaled?Notevident,Iexperimentinhalingandfeelingawindpipevolume.Shortofpuffingupmylungs,thoughtlesshehandsmethebottle.Engagesaroutine.Frowningconcernthedoctorpresseson,swivelsovermynakedbaby,andfollowsthroughagainstthegeometricbackdroplinesofawallofcupboarddoor,divingforherlittlemouth.

Avirtualplateglassrisenuprightthroughthemiddleofthetable,whichthedoctorlickedbysightstraighteninghisfigurewithaquestioningglanceatmyreflection.Hishandfollowedthroughablackrubbertubesuspendedfromhisneck.Shoulderpickingthestethoscopeearpiece,theguideofloweringeyeswhileplugginganearandmovingontothenext,afterwhichhisfingersfetchedthedanglingchestpiece.Hesitantovertheresoundingdiaphragmdabs,totheemergentlanguagefrominsidethelittlechest.Hisfigurerotatesaninchoversparingmea"Yes,"accompaniedbyasatisfactorynod,whileapairoffingersstandingonhereyebrow,anotherpullsuphereyelid,andsaid,"She'llgetthroughit,"Fingerswalkedoverexposingtheothereyeballtotakeaglanceofherpupil,andhiswordsdongedtomind,thesurpriseddistantechoofthefewminutestotiltovermydaughter'seighteenmonthslifespan.

Coolheadedanddistinctiveinasurgeryoutfit,thegrizzlyonstandbyattheheadoftheexaminationtablethe'surgeon'exteriorizinganearendcareerselfconfidentallure.Instinctivelefttrailingarelationshipwiththenurse,betrayedbythereflectivealuminumsuitcaseshewalkedinfromoutsideandplacedwithaclutterontheceramicfloortiles,inhiding,bytheentranceoffsidedoctor'sconsultingdesk,whichshefacedloweringherself.

Evanescentwhitenurseoutfitinaglaringfluorescentlight,whichintheglitchoftimesquintedtheghostingtwinsintwoplacesatonce.Iswungforthefaceframedinamaneofwavyblondhair,herdetachedflirtfromtheongoings,thesurgingenigmaticexpressionreturningagainstchangingbackground.

Inmyrightfieldofsight,fromtheblinddiagonalaxisacrossthefloor,hardatforgettingtheupcoming'surgeon's'unbelievableeyefixation.Theclumsyparamedicmaleheavybootlopsidedandtrampingthefootventilator,withaloststaredrawnthroughthespaceofthemenandwomenstoopingovertheartificialbreathingfragilelungs.There,the'surgeon'stoodby,silent,eyesacquaintingwiththedoctor'sprocedures.Camethemomentofexchangingafewconvivialwordsupdatingontheconditionofthepatient.

Inaroundaboutsquint,Iorientatedthefiguresintomyearlierupcomingtracks,imaginingthepullingupvehiclesonthedarkaprontoahaltinfrontofthebuilding.Inseparateteams,adriverandpassengerjumpingoutinthenightandheadforadeepcorridorescapingfluorescentlighttiringtowardtheentrancetoadyingshinecalldissolvinglikethesoundofavoiceintothenight.

Anemergentstrangerappearedfromthemidstofaghostytoandfroflockattheshadowycorridorandmotionsdissipatinginthefluorescentbrightroomlight.Themiddleageddoctorassociatinghospitalwhitewearwithanatechnicianassistantnurse,hereappearedsteppingoutoftheframedbackgroundwallofcupboarddoorsandapaceforwardonstandby.Abreastandcoequaltotherightofthedoctorinaweartoaweddingwithhiswife,bysightstoopingoverthebabypatient.Byagripofmybaby'scheeks,hisfreehandonastainlesssteeltongsintroducedinhermouth.Graduallypressinghertonguedown.thenewcomerandallhandsconfusedguidedatubeendsdownmybaby'sthroat.

Asthe"surgeon'approachedandinasilentSwisswatchmechanism,steppingbackathandfingerswalkingtheslippingtubetrailingovertheedgeofthetabletodroop.Hemaneuveredwithahumorouslookhitchingthetransparenttubesendstoarugbyshapedball.Risinghiseyekeepingincontactamongstthemen,followingtheintubation.Givenaconfirmationnod,whichsaid,EverythingisOk!The'surgeon'withahandclutch,fingerscontractinginslowmotion,expressedanaccountabilityforaregulatoryrhythm,Nottoofast,nottooslow!

Inthemidstoflegscrowdinginmyfieldofsight,the'surgeon'andnosoonertheparamedicmalefoldinguptheambulancefootventilator.Inawhitenurseoutfit,awomandiscreetfacingthewall,wigglesthrough,advancingamedicsuitcasebendingdown.Loweringherselftositonheelsunfoldingtechnicalequipment.Standingupfromadeftysetup,turningawayexposingtheelectrocardiacdisplayreposingafewlinesofaworkingmodemachine.Steppingapartialanticlockwisecontourattheheadofthetableexchangingwiththedoctor'swifeahandfulofpads.

Pressuredfingerssticksselfadhesivepadsfleshindentingmybaby'sribcage.Thetechniciannursevacated,fetchatsightspaghettiwires.Bringingupentangledtohandovertothedoctor'swifebundledinsetsofthreeassortedcolor.Figureinswirls,shereturnsinproximityofthemonitor,andleftbehindthewifewithoutremorseinanotherattemptthumbpressbuttons,hardandstiff,intheprocessdepressingthefleshofthelittlechest.Ireckonedwithmybaby'senseless,resortinghurtinflictingchillcrawldissipatingfrommyspinesightacrossmybaby,fixingseriousexpressions,figuresstooping,qualifiedinparticularfields.Fiddlynimblefingersstray,tostickatmybaby'snosesurgicaltape,intheaftermathlefttubesdanglingovertheedgeoftheexaminationtable.

Thetechnicianreturns,squeezinglikeabadlyneededpillarupthestoopingfiguresgainingaspaceovermybaby'shead.Fingersbringingordertotheentangledendlesswires,feedstheleadsplugginguptothepads.Subsequent,shechangedstickerpositionsfurtherapart.Inafallbackmoment,thefloorclearedofthenurseuncomfortablycrouchedfiguremonitoringthedevice.Thedigitaldisplayraffledoffrednumbers,exposingmybaby'sbodyinanongoingjugglingofnumberspeakingahundredandsixtytwoherphysicalmischief.

Therushofurgencysettlinglikedust,asthenurseglimpsesatthemonitorexplainingtoMartine,theelectrometerdigitsstagnatingroundaboutthenineties,thecardiograph,andheartbeattime.Underacontenteddeepserious'surgeon'regard.Routineexercisingaclutchingandreleasegripoftherubberballoon.Therhythmicpuffsandreliefpressure,whichlikeanecho,showingourdaughter'schestregularfaintvirtualbreathing.

Asthegenieofthedoctorinawhitehospitaloutfithadappearedshiftingfromplacetoplace,evanescentswiftleftthesceneofhisassurantpresence.Theremainingdoctorturnedacriticaleyeacrossmyrightshouldertowardtheparamedicsonstandby.Abreastandcontentedtolookon,respondedwithadeftylacksilentbreak,allweatherjacketsloudred.Atthepaceechoingtheirfirstentry,onthespotwheretheymovedthroughintermediatewhiteghostingnotions,stormingoutintothenight.Theroomafteradistinctiveagitationbreakfillsslower,amongstthemthestainlesssteelglitterofafoldedstretcher,whicheclipsedbehindme.Ifollowedthroughonthevaguenotionofthesoundsalongtheimaginarypassagewaytothe"[Dutch]Private"doorheadsign.There,theparamedicmanandwomanunfoldedthelegsinanincoordinatedbustle,whichdiestoaquietabsence,neitherabashed.Instead,thetechniciannursemovesin,hangingoverheadtothestretcheranintravenousdripbagdanglingtransparenttubeleads.

Unrelenting.thefixationonmydaughter'samazingsilkfinemembrane,almosttranslucentclosedeyelid,Ihadsoughtfindingallalonganeyeballquiver,whichdidn'tcome.Whenherwholebodyinadistinctswayalarmedme,andinafavorablepositionstoopedlopsided.Thepalmofmyhandcollargripdrewoutthehollowofherneck,bringresttoherlittlehead.Thenotionthatthedoctorgotlift,mysparehandslippedunderherkneepits.Liftinghergelatinouslittlefigure,feetdanglingunderapprovingeyes,Iswivelledoffrightdroppingaglanceatthesoiledwhitepaperclearedofherfigure,meetingamarblestatue.Athoughtlessregarddownatthemiraculousmoment.

Instantaneous,thedoctormeltsdownatgatheringalittlegirl'sjacket,intheswinghisfreehandswipesandshrivelsupthecoveringpaper,andvirtualremovalofalltracesofanincidentfromhavingoccurred.

Isteppedoffrightbehind,andbrushingmybaby'slittleheadthroughspace,discovered,Iwasabouttoentanglethebreathinganddriptubes,togetherwiththeelectrocardiacleads.CrossedMartineanxiouslook,followingmyeverymovefromliterallydroppinghervaluedcrystalvase.Reckoningwithaparamedicsconflictintheblankoftheireyes,Icametostanduptotheencumberingstretcher.Sarcastic,Ivoicemydiscontentmentsaying,"[Dutch]InwhichpositionmustIlayher?"

Awakingaparamedicmalerollingoutaregard,Whatishetalkingabout?Hestaresatme,Youturnthebabyaroundwhatareyouwaitingfor?Pointing,andsaying,"[Dutch]theheadisonthisside."

The'surgeon'implicatedbyahandgripexerciseontherubberventilationballordered,"[Dutch]Turnthestretcherheadtofoot!"

Bythemagicofthedoctor'swiferushinginandlendingahandturningthestretcher.Theendsbangedagainstpartitionandwall.

Insteadofthemaneuver,Iextendingmybabyonlongarms,stoopedasIcrawledaroundthefootofthestretcherandstraightenedalongtheotherside.Underthegazingeyes,Ieasedmylittlegirlonthestretcher,andtakingasteportwobackliberatingthespaceforthemedicstoenteronthescene.

Martineapproached,leaningover,bringingherfacetostrokeherdaughter,mumblingwordsinherear.The'surgeon'said,"[Dutch]Thatdoesn'thelp,she'sinadeepcoma!"Asshepulledback,headdressedtheparamediccrew,saying,"[Dutch]Youmaytakeoffnow."

Beneaththevividred"[Dutch]Private"signthe'surgeon'andnurseinturnsteppedinandafterthemanandwomanintheredallweatherjacketmovingatthefootandheadofthestretcher.Headingamedicprocession,thedoctor'swifehadvanishedfromsight,andthestretchedrolledbythesilentregards.Miekeinthelittlegroup,withSteffy'swidebewilderedeyes,andAlexandersoftconcernedlook,frowning.InandafterMartinetheysteppedfortheexit.Farbehindtheflockmovingthroughthecorridor,inavacuumofthemoment,apresencefetchedmebyabeamingeyesight.Iglancedrightoverfetchingbysightinthedistantalostspectatorbehindthetable,sharingathoughtforhisownchild.

Asitnevercrossedmymindtoturnmybackonmydaughterlifelessontheexaminationtable,andinconceivable.Ievokedafatalreality,duringaneternitytensefewminutes.Thecascadepreoccupyinginstances,henceinyearstocome.Iwatchedthedoctor'slostregard,interruptedbyspottingthefamiliarlittleblackboots.Fetchingandturningaround.Botheredbyarisingconsciousatescapinginlieuofthankingtheman.Ataglimpse,hiseyesspeaking,You'relostforwords.Byhiscomprehension,Ienteredtheconfinedcorridor.Exitseeingtherooftopscutoutapitchblackinfinitespace.Therowsoftownhousesreflectiveasstreetlightsintheshadowsglitterstheparkedaudionthedarkapron.Atanacuteangleinanactivityofpushingthestretcherthroughthetailgatetotheinteriorsoftlitambulance.MeetingMartinethoughtlessinherstridesafewpacespastthemoonlightdabonthecrushedstone.Pausingintuitiveandcattyturnedaroundtodartmeabeamofsight,atthedropofathoughtsaid,Daddy,willyougowithLoulou?"

Isteppeddownfromtheperron,assuredourdaughterincapablehands,fetchingbysightmyAudi.Evokingtomindtheunthinkable,ofsteppingintothecarwithMartineinthepassengerseat,andbearoutadrivehome,atthefeelingimprisonedparentonearthatthethoughtofhavingleftourbabyonastretchertonever,eversharethemischiefofherboyishvitality.

Thedoctormadeanappearance.HandingoverashoppingbagtoMartine,withourdaughter'sclothes,asbothtailgatedoorsclosed.Hervoicehadtravelledtotheearsoftheambulancedriverthoughabodyswirlheadingforthewing,invitingmealong.Ikickeddoubtingmyrightsaboutminglingwiththemedics.ConcedingtoMartinebewilderingmyAudi.Followedtheparamedicsignalalongthepassengerwingtothefront.BythedoorliftmyselfontheVolkswagen'spassengerseat,andsimultaneouslythedrivermovedinfromhissidebehindthesteeringwheel.