YOU… Transform[ED]

Julie Christiansenwww.angersolution.com

Transform[ED] is…

Transformational educationMaking decisions about your life and

choosing carefully the outcomes you want

Trusting yourself and othersLearning to accept, forgive, and changeA lifestyle – not a quick fix

Who am I anyway?

Finding your “Come From” placeA little about me…A little about you…What’s up with you right now?The value of speaking your truth

What’s up with us today?

Self EsteemThe Four Keys to AssertivenessSimple Strategies for Resolving ConflictForgiveness and AcceptanceThe Permissions You Give

More than a cliché…

SELF ESTEEM IS:

How you feel about yourself

What you think about yourself

The value you place on yourself

Why does Self-Esteem matter?

The value you place on yourself determines how well you will do in life

“I think therefore I am!”

Where does our Self-Esteem Come From?

MESSAGES: From our parents,

family From our teachers From our peers,

friends From the media From other

authority figures From ourselves

Try this activity:

What does the media try to make you believe about yourself?What ads send a positive message?What ads send a negative message?How do these ads make you feel about

yourself?

What Message is SHE sending?

Who Has More Courage?

The truth is in the eyes…

Is What You See What You Get?

We are our own worst enemy!

Negative Self-Talk: Makes you feel bad about

yourself Weakens you physically,

emotionally, and mentally! (Power Arm Exercise)

Increases your stress Reinforces negative

messages you heard from other sources

Causes you to engage in more negative self-talk

Tip #1: Interrupt Your Negative Thought Patterns

Thought Stopping… Break the pattern of negative

thinking through some sort of “jolt” Question the validity of the

thought Look at things realistically Make the choice to expect the

best rather than the worst

Tip #2: Become More Aware

Identify Your Strengths and Abilities

Look at Areas Where You Can Grow

Change What isn’t Working

Re-Assess

Do this exercise!

What are your top 3 character traits? What are 3 things you are good at? What are 3 areas you want to improve? What have you been doing so far to improve

those things? What is working? What is not working? What can you do differently to get a better

result?

Tip #3: Be Assertive

Four Keys to Assertiveness

#1: Intention

Be direct, honest, caring, and openBeware of your motives! Think about what you want to say before

you say it…Remember some people would rather be

right than happy. CHOOSE to be happy, and admit it when you are wrong.

Sometimes Assertiveness Means…

Walking awayChoosing to say nothingHurting someone’s feelingsSaying you’re sorryAsking for a second chance

Assertiveness never means…

Hurting people on purposeShowing somebody upGetting revengeFeeling guilt or shame afterwardsNot saying what you really want, feel,

think, or need – then feeling resentment because you didn’t get it!

#2: Language

Some tips on being assertive:Say “I want, feel, choose, need, think…”

instead of “You make me…”Having a positive self-esteem makes

being assertive easy

Being assertive boosts your self-esteem

#3: Actions

What are some ways we “speak” non-verbally?

Watch your body language Make eye contact Smile Keep your hands relaxed and at your sides Don’t block people in Respect personal space Maintain an even tone, volume and pitch in your

voice

More on being assertive…

Watch your body language Make eye contact Smile Keep your hands relaxed

and at your sides Don’t block people in Respect personal space Maintain an even tone,

volume and pitch in your voice

Tip #4: Leverage Yourself!

Power Questions

Choose to be in control rather than letting others control you

Tip #5: Surround Yourself with Self-Esteem Boosters

Pictures!

Music

Colours

People

Other stuff…

Self-Esteem can…

Help you make better choices About living arrangements About the people you hang out with How you will provide for yourself How you will treat other people What kinds of jobs you are willing to take What things you want to learn How you want to contribute to society Your short and long-term relationships Your negotiables and non-negotiables

Self Esteem + Assertiveness =

Great conflict resolution skills!

Conflict is…

The belief that if you get what you want, I can’t get what I want

Belief is the basis of action, which determines your outcomes!

Exercise…

How can we “re-frame” conflict so that it has a positive connotation?

Here’s a Great Definition…

The TSA Model for Effective Communication…

T: Think – what is happening? What does this mean to me? How should I respond?

S: Say – I feel/need/think/want… because…

A: Ask – for feedback. “How do you feel about what I’ve just said?”

Take Responsibility

E+R=O Event + Response = Outcome

Strategies to help you be response-able

Strategy #1 “State Your Problem”

Understand that helping others meet their needs can help you meet your needs

Allow the other party to state his/her problem

Good relationships are the first priority.

Work to build mutual respect

Strategy #2Listen: Use Empathy

“I hear what you’re saying”

“I can understand why you’re upset”

Avoid using “you” statements

Believe in innocence

Engage yourself fully

Use active listening skills

Stay focused (centered)

Listen 1st: Talk 2nd

Strategy #3Look for Common Ground

Establish the “facts” of the case Explore options together Eliminate the ones that just don’t fit Be open to other ideas Work towards that which is mutually

acceptable

Strategy #4Separate the Person from the Problem

Request changes in behaviour only Practice: Change these statements to

address the problem rather than the person. (ASC) “You’re not interested in helping me.” “You are the reason I am so angry …” “You’re more interested in your own issues

than my needs…”

Permissions: Try this formula…

Say: This is what I see you doing, and I interpret it to mean…

Ask: What is your opinion? Do you understand where I am coming from? Are my observations correct?

Clarify: Giving ongoing feedback ~ “When you do _____, do you mean to _________?”

Keep asking and clarifying – Set limits!

The Floor is Open!

Any questions you have after today, please see Catherine or Tom – or feel free to email me at julie@angersolution.com.

Thank you!