YOU’LL NEED A HIGHLIGHTER AND A RED PEN ALONG WITH YOUR ESSAY.

YOUR WORK ON THIS SELF ASSESSMENT WILL BE PART OF YOUR ROUGH DRAFT GRADE.

Memory Snapshot Essay Self Assessment

California State Content Standard: Writing 2.1 Write biographical or autobiographical narratives or short stories: Segerstrom ESLR: Reflective Communicators

The Revision Process

What to work on at this point: The big picture issues. Does my story hold together, or do I need to change

major elements? Is my intro attention-grabbing? Does my conclusion tie it all together? Are my characters believable and realistic?

What to work on later (during editing) Finding the exact best words (look for them here, but

don’t get hung up) Revising for sentence variety.

Check the Hook

Highlight the hook (engaging opening).Does it compel the reader’s attention?Or does it start with any of the following

worn out phrases?◦ Once upon a time ... ◦ When I was ten I experienced …◦ Have you ever witnessed a crime?

Make a note to return to this for revision.

Hook Improvements

Spice up your hook (engaging opening) with:

An anecdoteA famous quoteA startling factA vivid descriptionA generalization

Some Samples:

My dog is a lot like me when he is sad. One time he even moped around the house for days, just wandering through rooms aimlessly. I felt like this when my grandmother died.

Anecdote - A short story that illustrates a point with a transition into your thesis

A Swedish proverb says, “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half the sorrow.” Experiencing the joy of my first boyfriend and the sorrow of our breakup with my best friend, Sarah, by my side was a great comfort.

A famous quote - A famous quote with a transition into your thesis

Some Samples:

In California, the current unemployment rate is 9.5%. That may seem small, but when one’s mother and father are part of that 9.5%, the statistic can become overwhelming.

Startling Fact - A startling fact with transition into your thesis

Changing schools in the middle of the school year can be unnerving, but it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself and take on new challenges. Seeing the change in a positive way was the key to my success when I transferred to Segerstrom High School last year.

Generalization - A generalization about the topic with a transition into your thesis

Thesis: Background Information and Hint at

Significance

In a Narrative Essay (yes, this is a narrative essay), the thesis should tell the topic of the story (narrative) you are writing and the reason you are writing the narrative or the overall message you are sending to your reader.

Examples: Caring for my puppy the first month I had him showed

me that I was not ready for that big of a responsibility. Mourning my grandfather’s death with my family

brought us closer together and gave us opportunities to care for each other in ways we never experienced before that point.

Put [brackets] around the engaging opening and background information.

Underline the hint about the significance of the experience.

Checking Your Scenes

Everything that happens should be in a specific place and time. Is the order of events clear?

Number the events in chronological order. In the right margin, label the rising action,

climax, falling action, resolution, external conflict, internal conflict.

Are there any scenes that seem necessary logically that are missing? Make a note to add them.

Check your pacing/emphasis. Did you spend too much time describing a minor setting? Do you need to add detail, gestures, description?

Add Dialogue

When characters talk to each other, it’s always more interesting to hear their words rather than a summary.

Look for places where characters interact, and add at least 4 instances of dialogue.

For example: Pedro’s dad told him that his mother had died while

giving birth to him.Revised:

“Your mother died for you,” Pedro’s dad spat out while staring at the window.

Add Thoughtshots

Use italicized font whenever you are revealing your inner thoughts and feelings (interior monologue) throughout your Memory Snapshot Essay.

Highlight sentences that contain thoughts or feelings.

Add at least 4 examples of thoughtshots.For example: Coach Carter yelled, “Jose, either get

your head in the game or go home!” “Yes, Coach,” I replied. What a jerk! Doesn’t he

know how hard I’m trying?

Add Gestures and Reactions to Create a “You are There” Feeling in the Reader

Gestures are a great way to SHOW rather than TELL how characters are feeling:

Poor: Gustav was embarrassed at her accusation.

Revised: Hearing her accusation, Gustav flushed pink.

Revised: Upon hearing her accusation, Gustav buried his face in his hands.

Revised: “You stole my superhero tights. Didn’t

you?” Megawoman shouted.“I, well, no, couldn’t have. You see…”

Gustav trailed off, staring at the ground.

Examine Your Conclusion

Don’t begin with Finally, In conclusion, or Thus. These are overused, and out-of-place in a narrative.

Your conclusion (paragraph) should:Revisit your hookTransition to revisiting your thesis- this should

show how the revisited hook and restated thesis are related.

Restate your thesis with more insight (explain the meaning of the experience). What universal theme is illustrated?

Checking for Transitions

Transitions are words, phrases, or sentences that lead the reader from one idea to another.

For this essay, we will concentrate on transitions in time and sequence. Time transitional words:

after, afterward, at last, before, currently, during, earlier, immediately, later, meanwhile, now, recently, simultaneously, subsequently, then

Sequence transitional words: first, second, third etc,. next, then, finally

You must use at least 2 transitional words per body paragraph. Box all of your transition words

however, also, because of this, after, before, in addition, then, likewise, similarly, on the other hand, meanwhile,

Checking for Sentence Variety

Draw two lines at the end of every sentence. // Like this. //

Are most of your sentences three to four lines long? Or are they three to four words long?

Is there variety in your sentence structures? If not, put a note in the margins to

“Break into multiple sentences” or “Combine sentences.”

Image Grammar

Your Memory Snapshot Essay should incorporate the use of at least three examples of Image Grammar

Painting with participles, painting with absolutes, painting with appositives, painting with adjectives shifted out of order, painting with action verbs.

Draw a wavy line under each example of Image Grammar.

Check to make sure commas are used to separate the Image Grammar brushstrokes from the rest of the sentence.

Make sure you do not underline or italicize the brushstrokes.

Checking for RIP Words

Scan your essay for boring, dead words. Circle these: Different, really, very, get, amazing,

incredible, nice, big, little, small, saidYou will need to replace these words.

Suggestions: different: can be replaced by unique,

startling, surprising, remarkable, curious big: enormous, immense, vast, bulky,

massive

Checking Adverbs

Adverbs are words that modify verbs, adjectives, or other adverbs.

Put a box around all adverbs. (Look for –ly words: quickly, happily, sadly)

Try to replace the adverbs with stronger verbs and more powerful adjectives.

Example: Boring: I walked happily home. Better: I skipped home.

Check Sentence Openings

Circle any sentence that begins with “There is/are/were”

Make a note in the margins to rephrase these. Often these can simply be cut.

Example: ◦ Weak: There are several people that influenced me

during high school.◦ Better: Several people influenced me during high

school. Scan to see if you have a series of sentences

that begin with the same words, ◦ For example “He,” “She” or “I.”

Check for Contractions

Cross out all contractions, for example: I’m there’s we’re he’d

Spell out all of these wordsThis helps establish an appropriate toneOne exception: contractions in dialogue