· web viewcitizen khan welcome to sparkhill, birmingham – the capital of british pakistan! c...

1Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!

Episode 2 – Naani’s Shopping Trip

Shazia Khan: Are you all right in there, Naani [Grandma] jaan [dearest]?

Naani: Ha?

Mr Khan: (hacks) Right, _____________________? Don’t tell me! __________

__________________? _______!

Shazia: Dad! ______________________!

Mr K: ________________, maybe!

Shazia: Dad!

Mr K: What? ____________________________! Can you hear any splashing? Wakey

wakey! We got peanut cornflakes for breakfast! I’ve got to be out of the house

in half an hour!

Shazia: _________________________?

Mr K: The Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham has invited me,

___________, Mr Khan, __________________________!

Alia Khan: ____________!

Mr K: Yeah! I’ll be networking with some of the most important small businessmen in

the West Midlands! We got _____, ______, ____________!

Shazia: ____________________________?

Mr K: ____________________, Shazia! The main thing is, ____________________

_______________! You know, _________________________________, _____

_______. Now here I am, _______________________, getting face time with

the big nobs! Very similar thing happened to Lord Sir Alan Sugars! _______!

__________________! At this rate, I won’t get time for my three shushes!

Alia: _____________?

Mr K: Shave, shower, and-


Shazia: Dad!

Mr K: _______! Finally!

Naani: (Urdu words)

Mr K: Oh, God! ___________________________, and been stuck in the toilet every

single day! _______________, it’s just sticky! You have to lift it up, _______

_________, and give it a firm yank!

Alia: _______________!

Shazia: _____________________________!

Mr K: Just lift it up and give it a firm yank!

Naani: (Urdu words), _____!

Mr K: I bet Lord Sir Alan Sugars doesn’t have to _____________________ out of the

toilet every morning! Morning, Naanijaan! _____________?

Naani: Chah!

Mr K: Forgot!

Shazia: Amjad’s here!

Mrs Khan: Hello, Amjad!

Amjad Malik: Hello, Mrs Khan! Hello, Naanijaan!

Shazia: We’ve got to choose the colour for the bedroom ______________________!

What do you think of that one?

Amjad: _________! _____________________?

Shazia: ____________________________ when we’re married, will you?

Amjad: Well _____________________________?

Shazia: ___________!

Amjad: ________?

Shazia: Yeah!

Amjad: _______________?

Shazia: Yeah!

Amjad: What – ___________?

Shazia: Yeah!

Amjad: Wow!

Mr K: (hacks)


Mrs K: __________________________!

Mr K: ________________________! Oh – ____________! Bloody paper complaining

about immigration again!

Shazia: ___________________________________!

Mr K: _______________________! Too many bloody immigrants coming to this

country!

Shazia: ___________________, Dad!

Mr K: ____________________, Sweetie – ___________________________!

Immigrants are the Eastern Europeans – coming over here _______________!

____________________________!

Shazia: Dad!

Mr K: All right – __________________!

Amjad: So – ______________, _____________?

Mr K: Look – we work hard, we go to mosque, we pray to Allah five times a day –

_________________________________? ______________? _____________!

There’s no milk in my chai!

Mrs K: Ah - we’ve run out – Naani had the last of it. ____________________!

Mr K: I can think of one immigrant _____________________!

Naani: (Urdu words)

Mrs K: She’s cold – ___________________!

Mr K: It’s already on max! ___________________________? Set fire to her salwaar

[loose trousers]?

Mrs K: Be nice to her – _________________! _________________________ for her

party tonight – the whole thing is a big surprise, _________________!

Mr K: ___________________________ – you might finish her off! Have we got any

party poppers?

Mrs K: Remember __________________________ this afternoon!

Mr K: ___________!

Mrs K: _______?

Mr K: __________________________! Pakistani Business Association of

Birmingham – __________!

Mrs K: __________________!


Mr K: _____!

Mrs K: I want you take her to M&S to buy cardigans!

Mr K: _____________!

Mrs K: ______________________! We have to get her a treat!

Mr K: Ah, hang on – ______________________________!

Mrs K: ______? __________?

Mr K: ___________________! Exclusive and unique! I got it from NHS direct!

Especially designed ______________! Look at that – helmet part ___________

__________, ____________________ to stop dehydration – _______________

________________!

Mrs K: _______________________!

Mr K: Why not? _______________________?

Mrs K: Just take her to the shops!

Mr K: ___________!

Mrs K: ____________!

Mr K: Fine! __________________!

Alia: Naanijaan’s on the sofa, and now she can’t get up again!

Mrs K: Oh, my God!

Mrs K: Oh, __________ – _________________!

Mr K: All right, get out of the way – __________, __________! Let the dog see the

old goat! All right – come on, Naanijaan! ________ – ek, do, tri! _______, __!

Naani: (Urdu words)

Mr K: _______!

Mrs K: Oh, my God! (Urdu words) We need help!

Amjad: _______________?

Mr K: Grab her arms! Perfect! My – my back! __________________________!

Mrs K: Naani, __________?

Mr K: Oh, ____________________ – ____________!

Shazia: All right, Naanijaan?

Mrs K: OK, Naani – ____________________, and then Mr Khan _____________

________! _________?


Mr K: Right, fine! Then ______________________________!

Mrs K: Oh, yes, and take her to the mosque first – _______________________!

Mr K: But then __________________!

Mrs K: __________________________________ – ___________________________!

OK? Chalo [Come on]! Have a good time and we’ll see you later!

Mr K: Right, come on then – let’s get this over with!

Naani: Namaz [Prayers]!

Mr K: What?

Naani: Namaz!

Mr K: No! ____________________ – not time for prayers – __________?

Naani: Namaz!

Mr K: No! We’re praying at the mosque! (Urdu words) _______________________

___!

Naani: Eh?

Mr K: ___________________________! (Urdu words) Oh, God! I know what

___________________!

Naani: (Urdu words)

Mr K: I know it’s nearly prayer time – ___________________, aren’t we?

Riaz: Al-salaamu alaikum, Mr Khan!

Mr K: Wa alaikum al-salaam, Riaz! ______________?

Riaz: Good! _______________________!

Mr K: Did you hear that? This would be _________________! You’d be

______________________! The mother-in-law!

Riaz: Al-salaamu alaikum!

Omar: Al-salaamu alaikum! How are you enjoying Sparkhill?

Mr K: It’s OK! This is Omar! _________________! ______________! But he’s got a

funny accent!

Mr K: Come on! This way! _______________________________? Good, eh?

Naani: (Urdu words) doctor waiting room!

Mr K: All right, all right! This is just the mosque office! _______________________


________!

Naani: (Urdu words) Marks and Spencers!

Mr K: ____________________________! ________________________!

Naani: Namaz (Urdu words) cardigan!

Mr K: Right! Come on then, choppity chop! Ladies’ prayer room is _____________

_____, OK? You want to get in God’s good books!

____________________________!

Dave: Mr Khan, _______________________?

Mr K: _______________________! ____________________?

Dave: _______________! _______________________!

Mr K: All right, all right! I still don’t know how you got this job! ___________? Equal

opportunity scheme for gingers? Oh, hello! Mr Bhutt? Yes – it’s Mr Khan

speaking! No – Mr Khan! Khan! K, _________, ___________, _____

_________! Yes, that’s me. _________________________________________.

Dave: Mr Khan, ______________________-

Mr K: ________________, Dave! I was wondering – you know, if you don’t come to

the lunch, ___________________________? No – I see! No – ____________

_____________!

Dave: Mr Khan-

Mr K: Oh, no – ___________________, Margaret! ____________, _______ – ___

______, and a couple of ginger nuts! Yes, yes, ________________! Yes, OK,

I’m coming – I’ll be there! OK, OK, bye! OK, OK, bye! ________________?

Dave: ________________________ you’re parked in the disabled bay!

Mr K: Mr Qureshi never minded!

Dave: Yes, well, Mr Qureshi is in a retirement home in Balsall Heath! And those bays

are only for ________________________________!

Mr K: ______________________, is it?

Dave: _____?

Mr K: Well, this kind of discrimination – not very Muslim!

Dave: _________________________!

Mr K: Ah, _____! Well you’re new to this game – _________________________,


Dave, is that God, Muslim God, _______________________! He sees all men

as the same – ________________, _______ – __________________________

____ – he doesn’t care! _______________, you see!

Dave: _____!

Mr K: So you giving a special parking space to disabled is _________________

__________________!

Dave: I don’t think that’s what I’m-

Mr K: ________________________________, Dave! And if ____________________

______________ to prove it, ___________!

Dave: Couldn’t you just move your car? I mean, what if ______________________

___ needs it?

Mr K: _______________________!

Dave: ____?

Mr K: ______________, then? Look at her! _______________________________!

Naani: (Urdu words) Marks and Spencers!

Mr K: All right, _______________!

Dave: I didn’t realise __________________________________!

Mr K: _______________________!

Dave: Oh!

Naani: (Urdu words)

Mr K: This is Dave, Naani, __________________!

Naani: Oh!

Mr K: I know! ___________________________________!

Dave: As-salaam alaikum!

Naani: Wa alaikum as-salaam!

Dave: ______________________? __________?

Naani: A cup garam cha [hot tea] PG Tip!

Mr K: All right! ____________________________! I’ve got to go to my business

conference! _________________________________________! Come on – get

your coat! I tell you – ________________________, Dave! _____________

____________! God must be ________________________! ____________

_______ , ____________!


Dave: Well don’t the scholars teach us to look after our elders and treat them with the

utmost respect?

Mr K: They weren’t hanging around the ladies’ bogs on the Stratford Road!

Dave: ________________________ can be tricky! I’ve got the mosque lady

pensioners in today – some of them _________________________, I can tell

you!

Mr K: Dave!

Dave: Mm?

Mr K: Maybe I can leave Naani here with you? You know, ______________________

____________ for me!

Dave: Oh, I, ___________________!

Mr K: Why not? ________________! You’ve got the other ones in anyway!

Dave: Yes, but _________________________________ and reading from the Koran!

Mr K: _______________________________! You want to give these old birds some

retail therapy! Take her to the Bullring! ______________!

Dave: __________________________________!

Mr K: ____________!

Dave: ________________________________!

Mr K: _________!

Dave: Help to integrate the mosque worshippers with the wider community!

Mr K: It’s been a long time since _______________________, I tell you! Hey! You’ll

be getting a ride on the minibus! Good, uh?

Naani: Tchah!

Mr K: Oh, she loves you – __________! _________________________________!

Just point in the direction of the knitwear section and __________! She’ll be

happy as Barry!

Dave: _________________________________?

Mr K: Oh, yes! ________________________________ is Rawalpindi!

Dave: I’m just thinking, you know, ________________!

Mr K: Don’t worry – _______________________! ____________! _______________

___________! ________! OK, bye!


Mr K: Name tag? Check! Suit? Check! _________? Oh, bloody-

Mrs K: Hurry up! Naanijaan will be back ______________! Oh, no – ______________

________________! Oh! That will be Mrs Rameez! She did say she was going

to come early! Alia, ______________________!

Mrs Malik: ______________! ____________!

Mrs K: Yes!

Mrs M: Of course, most elderly people don’t like surprises, but ___________________

____________!

Mrs K: Yes!

Mrs M: So __________________________?

Mrs K: ____________!

Mrs M: ______! Accha! So _____________________________________________!

Amjad: _______________________! Hey – maybe I could organise a surprise party for

you, _______________!

Shazia: ______________________!

Amjad: Yes!

Shazia: _________________________!

Amjad: Ah, yes! Hey, Mummy, did you know that when we’re married, _________

_________________________________!

Alia: Dad!

Mr K: Alia!

Alia: Where’s Naanijaan?

Mr K: She’s er, _____________, praying! Dave’s looking after her! Now _______

___________?

Alia: ______________!

Mr K: Right – __________________________?

Alia: ___?

Mr K: ______________________________________!

Alia: ____________________, but-

Mr K: Great!


Mrs K: I must say, _____________________!

Mrs M: Oh, thank you! ________! __________ Mr Malik!

Mrs K: Oh! _________!

Mrs M: It’s just so nice to __________________________, though, ha naa [isn’t it?]

Mrs K: Oh, it is!

Mrs M: So ________________________?

Mrs K: I – Shazia, why don’t you take Mrs Malik ______________________?

Shazia: ________?

Mrs K: ____________________!

Mr K: Mrs Rameez, __________________________? I’ll just leave you to er- ___

________________________, you silly billy?

Mrs Rameez: ___________!

Mr K: ___________ – we’ll be out of here in a jiffy! There’s a knack to this – you just

have to- (grunts) (Urdu words) Don’t worry, Mrs Rameez – _______________

________________! You just have to lift it up, pull to the right, and give it a

firm yank!

Amjad: Eh?

Mr K: ___________, Amjad?

Amjad: Yes, sir!

Mr K: ___________________________!

Amjad: OK!

Mr K: ___________!

Amjad: OK – ___________________________?

Mr K: No! __________________________ – just go and get me some WD-40 [oil

and water displacing spray]! _____________ – ___________?

Shazia: I wonder why Mum’s ___________________________?

Mrs M: She must be ____________________________ as well!

Alia: ____________?

Mrs M: Well _________!


Mr K: Ah!

Mrs M: Ah, Mr Khan! Salaam alaikum!

Mr K: Wa alaikum salaam, Mrs Malik! ___________?

Mrs M: Oh, _______!

Mr K: Ah, ______________, uh? You know, I think it’s more important ________

_____________________________! I’m always telling Mrs Khan! To us,

________________! _______________________ – ___________________

________!

Mrs M: Very laudable, I’m sure!

Mr K: That’s me – __________________! Right – ________________________

__________!

Mrs M: ____?

Mr K: Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham! If I hurry, I’ll just catch Mr

Bhutt’s PowerPoint presentation on the history of Cash and Carrys in the West

Midlands! _____, _______! _______, _______!

Mrs K: Where’s Naani? Did you take her to M&S?

Mr K: ___, _________! But, you know, she wanted to do more praying! ________

_______________ – ________________________________!

Mrs K: OK, but ____________________________________________ – __________

______! Even Mrs Rameez has shown her face!

Mr K: ________________________________!

Mrs K: Naani can’t be ______________________!

Mr K: Don’t worry! Dave is bringing her! _________________________!

Mrs K: Yeah, but Dave-

Mr K: Chillax, sweetie – _______________! ____________ – see?

Mr K: All right, all right – _________________! Hello, Dave!

Dave: __________, Mr Khan!

Mr K: What?

Dave: Naanijaan! _____________!

Mr K: What do you mean, _______________? How can you lose

__________________________________?


Dave: I got confused! __________________________!

Mr K: Careful, Dave! ________________________!

Dave: I just meant ______________________!

Mr K: That’s better!

Dave: One minute she was with me, then I had to take Mr Farzai to the toilets –

Mr K: ____________________!

Dave: _______________!

Mrs K: _______________?

Mr K: _______!

Mrs K: What are you doing?

Mr K: ________________________________!

Mrs K: But where’s Naani? ______________________________!

Mr K: Yes! ________________!

Mrs K: _______________?

Mr K: Dave?

Dave: Well ____________- _________________-

Mrs K: Don’t go and tell me _____________________!

Mr K: No, of course not! She’s not lost – ____________________________!

Mrs K: _____?

Mr K: Dave?

Dave: In Millets!

Mrs K: __________________________________?

Mr K: Dave! How many times have I told you – _____________________________!

Dave: Well, ____________________________, but I thought a fleece might be more

practical! And they’ve got great outdoor gear!

Mrs K: ____________?

Mr K: Dave – ____________________________ – she’s not white water rafting with

Bear bloody Grylls!

Mrs K: So – __________________________________________?

Dave: Yes!

Mr K: Exactly! _____________, you see?


Dave: She was trying to choose between the half zip and the full zip, you see! And I

said ____________________________ because you don’t have to

______________________, which can be quite tricky for _________________!

Mr K: All right, Dave, _______________!

Mrs K: OK, but _________________________________________?

Mr K: It’s OK – _____________________________, and it’ll all be tickety boo!

Mrs K: Well __________!

Mr K: ______________________________? She’s an old woman like this – baa!

Mr K: Naani! Naani! It’s OK – ________________!

Mr K: Excuse me! Excuse me! Naani! Hold- hold on! Naani! Excuse me! Excuse me,

lady! Excuse me – Naani! No, wait - oh, God! Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse

me!

Mr K: What? ____________________________!

Dave: Mr Khan!

Mr K: Right – it’s simple! I just need to tell Mrs Khan that ____________________

______ of the Birmingham and Fazeley Canal!

Dave: Now come on – ___________________________! The police are still trawling,

and _______________________________!

Mr K: Yes, you’re right – we, we don’t really know what’s happened!

Dave: ____________________________!

Mr K: For all we know, she could be in the café at Marks and Spencers,

______________________________________________!

Dave: The main thing is, we have to be very sensitive ______________________ to

Mrs Khan!

Mr K: Yes. ____________________?

Dave: I think __________________________________!


Mr K: _____!

Dave: You have to sit her down, and then give her time __________________, in a

quiet place _____________________________!

Mr K: OK!

Everybody: ________!

Mrs M: _________________________?

Mr K: What?

Aliya: _________________?

Mr K: What?

Shazia: ______________?

Mr K: What?

Mrs M: __________________________? ___________________________!

Mr K: I don’t think we should bring her in here ________________________ and

everyone making noise!

Shazia: _____________________!

Aliya: ____________, Papaji!

Mr K: ___________, sweetie!

Shazia: ___________, isn’t she?

Mr K: Mm?

Shazia: __________________________?

Mrs M: ___________________! I knew it! ___________________________!

Amjad: ___________?

Dave: Yes!

Shazia: ________?

Mr K: ____! Naani’s very late – she’s – ______________!

Shazia: _____________________________?

Dave: Yes!

Mr K: No! Yes!

Dave: No!

Mr K: _____!

Mrs K: Where’s Naani?


Mr K: Hello, sweetie! ______________________?

Mrs K: Why?

Mr K: I’m coming to that – but first, ____________! About Naani – _______

________ – ______________________?

Mrs K: ___________________________________?

Mr K: __________ – look - the thing is – __________________ when we must bid

farewell to our loved ones! They’ve had a good innings, but when the great

umpire in the sky shows you the finger, it’s time to ___________________

____ to the pavilion! Naani, caught canal, bowled God, for eighty! And she is

out! Or _______! Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!

Naani: (Urdu words) _____________!

Mrs K: Oh, Naani! (Urdu words)

Aliya: Naanijaan!

Shazia: Oh, Naani!

Mrs K: ______________!

Amjad: ________!

Mr K: Right! ___________________________________! They’ll be serving a trio of

desserts! That’s when ________________________ anyway! What? What is it?

Mrs K: What is it? __________________!

Mr K: Yes, but then __________________! So it’s all ______________, OK? Bas!

Finished!

Mrs K: ___________________________, all alone! Anything could have happened to

her! ____________________________!

Mr K: Yes, but-

Mrs K: She could have been mugged!

Mr K: ______, but-

Mrs K: _____________________________ and taken advantage of!

Mr K: OK, __________________________ now!

Mrs K: ______________________!

Mr K: Me? ____________________!

Mrs K: When she’s here, all you do is moan – you can’t wait to be rid of her!


Mr K: _______________ – ______________________! It’s great!

Mrs K: ________________ about having her here?

Mr K: __________!

Mrs K: ____?

Mr K: Like – the praying, the shuffling, how she hums under her breath in the

morning, the way she spits in the fireplace – seeing her crinkly old face ____

__________________________________ – ___________________, isn’t she?

Mrs K: (Urdu words) She’ll be safely back in Pakistan and ____________________

_____________! (sniffs)

Mr K: ___________________!

Mrs K: (Sniffs)

Mr K: Now what?

Mrs K: _____________________________?

Mr K: _______________?

Mrs K: __________________ – she’s an old lady! She’ll go back to Pakistan and ____

___________________!

Mr K: Hey – come on! ____________! ____________________________!

Mrs K: (Sobs)

Mr K: Right. OK. Why doesn’t Naanijaan _____________________?

Mrs K: What?

Mr K: Naanijaan. _____________________________ – ______________________

____ to Pakistan!

Mrs K: ____?

Mr K: No!

Mrs K: You mean it?

Mr K: Haan! [Yes]

Mrs K: Thank you!

Mr K: It’s all right!

Mrs K: Now _______________________________!

Mr K: Yes!

Mrs K: And ____________________________________!

Mr K: Yes – ______________________, you know, before she – ooh, ooh!


Mrs K: ________________?

Mr K: You know, _________________, and – ooh, ooh!

Mrs K: No, it’ll all be fine! Mrs Akul’s mother ______________________, _______

_______________!

Mr K: _______!

Mrs K: Goodbye! ____________________!

Mrs M: __________________________! __________________________!

Mr K: Well, _______________, eh? Thank you – goodbye! God bless!

Mrs K: Naani! We have something _________________________! Don’t we?

Mr K: Yes, er, er, we have decided that you don’t need to go back to Pakistan – ___

_____________, and live with us – in our house – ____________________ –

_________________________! You know, _________!

Naani: (Urdu words) Birmingham? Shithole!

Mrs K, Aliya, Shazia: Naanijaan! Naanijaan!

· web viewcitizen khan welcome to sparkhill, birmingham – the capital of british pakistan! c...

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