Journal of Robert W. SawyerVolume 1 (1837-1838)Mudd Manuscript LibraryTranscription

TITLE PAGE:Robert W. SawyerBook January [6]th 1837Princeton, College Nassau Hall, Member of the junior Class 1837

Now in the heat of youthful bloodRemember they creator GodO I must die, it is so then let me liveWhilst I live to the glory of God

Study without prayers is Atheism andPrayer without Study is presumption

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PAGE 2Dum vivimus, vivamus. 1837 Princeton N. Jersey

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PAGE 4Says Bacon Reading makes a learned man, writing a correct man-------------------------------

He who has mastered himself has achieved a much greater victory than a Napoleon, an Alexander, or a Caesar ever did--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man should not live for himself merely, but for the good of his fellow man & for to glorify his his God-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is nothing worth living for in this life but to glorify God------------------------------------

Sawyer, Robert WChristians should not trifle. They should ever keep in mind their

leader ere Jesus Christ. They should think of his suffering & death that They may learn not to live unto themselves but unto God who has brought them. They are no longer their own brethren but have a been bought with a price. Even the precious blood of the deer redeemer. Their time, talents, wealth, influence & all they have belong unto him who died to redeem them.

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PAGE 6Robert W Sawyer was born in Goshen, Orange County New York State in the Year of Our Lord One thousand Eight hundred & thirteen, May the 16th. Was the youngest child of Benjamin Sawyer and Hannah his wife with whom h spent almost the whole of the 1st Eighteen years of his life in pursuing the humble duties of the Agriculturalist. In his Early infancy his parents had said they intended their young son for the Ministry & accordingly sent him to school at a very early age – He very soon acquired a thorough knowledge of the 1st principles of education & at the age of 4 years could read intelligently in the newspaper or bible. When in his 6th year he learned his catechism to repeat it by heart – After this owing to a want of a school in the neighbourhood I was sent to school by very little until in my Eighteenth year – but in the mean time I acquired a thorough knowledge of Arithmetic by studying in the evening with my father to instruct me. The subject of this memoir was thoughtful on the subject of religion at a very early age – as Early as Eight years old I used to think about death & frequently wished I was a Christian for I thought they only were happy – however no religious exercises

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PAGE 8worthy of note took place until I was in my Eleventh year. At this time, owing to bad associates, I had gone astray from the instructions of my pious & affectionate mother & had become to some extent immoral in my conduct. On a certain day as I was driving the Cows to water, I was tempted to curse God. This was so very different from the instructions given to me by my mother that I trembled at the Idea – but somehow

or other the temptation continued with me disturbing my peace by day & by night. I soon became afraid & unwilling to be left alone. So great was my fear that I in the middle of the night rose from my bed – at times to pray – In this way I thought I obtained relief. I was fond of reading the bible before but at this time I commenced reading it more strictly than at any times before. I tried to read it as the word of God & at times thought I found in it something to suit my case. I very soon began to be more strict in my conduct & thought & I delighted to go to meeting & began to reprove my impenitent associates when ever I saw them breaking the Sabbath day or doing what I thought was wrong. I attended Silent Prayer but did not reveal any of my failings to anyone.

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PAGE 10Yet I used frequently when alone to pray aloud & consequently was frequently overheard. This I did not mind but could not endeavor to tell any one my feelings. Often times when in the house of God, I wept a flood of tears & was as I thought frequently delighted with the sound of the preacher’s voice in this State I remained for 3 years & about 4 months, at which time I felt it my duty to offer myself for admission to the Church & without our councilling any of my friends went alone to attend the preparatory meeting for the Communion of the Lord’s Supper. After the meeting was closed I presented myself to the Session & was finally ruined as a fit subject to belong to the Church of Christ. On the next day (Sabbath) after having as I thought prayed over the subject came forward to the astonishment of many present & was revived into the number of the Professed following of Jesus Christ. I shed many tears. This solemn step I took from a sense of duty, but I fear I knew not what a change of heart was – at least from my own experience for even at this age I was quite a transit [?] in matters pertaining to region. On the evening of the day whilst walking in the field thinking about what I had been doing & what my companions would say & think about me this thought came into my mind – Well I am young yet & it will

PAGE 11not be necessary for me to be very religious, as I advance in age I will gradually become more & more devoted now this thought came from one of two sources. Either it was presented by Satan or else It proceeded from an unsanctified heart – the latter seems most consistent with my conduct. For instead of growing in piety as I grew in

age I gradually declined from my apparent consistent course of conduc.t There were no religious meetings in the plan to which I could resort except to church on the Sabbath & being surrounded by ungodly companions I soon by […TK] my effort to serve God – for I thought there was still a difference between myself & my wicked companions – but after all there was nothing that did me so much injury as the inconsistency of older members of the church. For I strictly watched their conduct & Every thing in which they indulged I thought in as much as they were Christians I had a right to do so to – here the Advisors & a dutiful [TK?] heart got a great advantage over me. For so soon as I began to live in this way my happiness was greatly marred. I cant say at this time that I allowed myself to indulge in any known sin but only what is commonly called innocent

PAGE 12amusements – O! O! How much do inconsistent professors of religion injure the cause cause of Christ – Ministers they crush it to bleed at every [TK]. Yes, Satan marked use of ungodly professors to damn very many souls. An inconsistent professor of religion does the cause of Christ more real injury than the most open infidel on Earth. The reasons of this are obvious to every one. O! God makes professors of Religion more consistent or else cut them off & send them speedily to hell – Don’t let them injure thy blessed cause – Don’t let them wound the soul of God [afoul] Don’t let them be a shelter to their Enemy’s – Don’t let them court the blood of the Covenant, when with they profess to have been sanctified, an unholy thing – God of Mercy have mercy upon their own Cause. But to return, I very naturally began to deliver into known inconsistency of conduct until about four years after I was let fall into known sin which though it injured no one – yet it was so intently at variance with their religion that I professed that it destroyed all my peace of mind & led me to dispair of every obtaining mercy. A little before this time I had commenced going to school in the Academy in G with the intention of preparing myself to teach a common School. About this time I lost my dear & loving mother & want to live with a dear brother

PAGE 13in whose wife I found almost a second mother. May God in his great mercy bless that man & woman. I succeeded as well with my English studies that my teacher Mr. T advised me to commence the Study of Latin. I did so after I had been in the school about 4 months a& was examined in it after I had studied it only about 2 weeks by the trustees of the School & my Minister who seemed to be much leased with the

examination. In about 5 months after I was examined in Latin again by the same Respectable gentleman, at this time, I was flattered with having excelled those who had been studying far longer than myself & my Minister Dr. F was so well pleased with the examination that he proposed immediately to Brother that I should prepare for the holy ministry of Jesus Christ and through the influence of his persuasion My friends were willing to let me remain at the Academy after my year was up. But this time I had owing to the sin into which I had fallen almost intirely lost my peace of mind – consequently did not make that progress in study which I had previously made & for nearly 2 years after I may say I lived almost

PAGE 14continually under the [TK] of a guilty conscience. Yet such was my cheerfulness, when in company, that no-one knew that any thing ailed me. In the mean time I was appointed Superintendant of an interesting Sabbath School, for by this time, notwithstanding the awful state of my mind I had begun to take part in conducting religious meetings & by most was thought to be very religions. O What a task to take charge of this Sabbath School – often times when standing up before the whole school to examine it I have felt as though I wanted to sink through the floor. My conscience seemed to be almost biting my very vitals – Yet I thought It was duty to continue on in taking charge of the school. In the mean time my former teacher left Goshen & I commenced attending Mr. S Select School here I thought to make better improvement, but Alas Alas my guilt conscience followed me still. Sometimes after having hindered me almost entirely from study during the day, tormenting me by night so that my sleep at n was very poor. Sometimes I would spend a part of the night in Prayer. Whilst in prayer my conscience seemed more at ease. I soon forsook my place at the table of the Lord – except once in a great while & then I did it more to keep alive my hope than to satisfy because I loved it.

PAGE 15By this time so great was the trouble of my mind that it was almost impossible for me to study. And I told my father I had a mind to teach for a short time. He at once fell in with me & told me the School in G was [TK?] and that he thought I had better go & see the trustees to see if I could not get the school. I went on the next day & though an entire stranger obtained the school I was to commence in 5 weeks time – here was a time of trial for there was a great many universalists in the place consequently I was almost afraid to open my school with prayer, but however I broke through & commenced by opening with prayer,

but this was not the least of my troubles for I soon became terribly alarmed lest I should fall in with the Universalists – And I knew no way how to escape except it was by turning to God & seeking refuge in him – Accordingly I appointed with myself a certain day to commence seeking God in Good [TK], s I then called it. The day came but I was not ready to attend to these things yet consequently I continued on as usual until my fears were again aroused – about this time the memoir of Ms Judson fell

PAGE 16into my hands. I read it attentively & was encouraged to commence seeking, as I thought, after God If happily I might find him. I adopted a plan something like the one which she pursued. I ceased to eat meat, …[TK], butter or any thing except what was absolutely necessary to preserve life this I continued for a month & a half during which time I used to spend until 1, 2, 3 & sometimes even 4 oclock in reading & prayer, sometimes not daring to lay down for fear my bed might prove my grave before morning & I felt conscious that if I died in that State I must go to Hell. O What a wretched creature I was, for though I had often envied birds of the air & the beasts of the field their happiness because I thought they would escape eternal damnation yet at this time I felt that if I died I must sink much lower in hell than before – And here I would proclaim aloud to every professor of religion in the language of scripture – let him that [TK] the name of Christ depart from all iniquity. O! O! 0! How much trouble I had saved my self if when I made profession f Religion I had taken a bold stand on the side of the Lord. Young man or Young woman or whoever you are that may read this I would say take care how you attempt to sere God & to hold on to the world at the same time.

PAGE 17One night I recollect I spent all night in prayer & at other times I would, a little while before day, get into bed that the family with whom I resided might not suspect me of sitting up all night. My school at this time was large & I was unable to take exercise consequently I very soon began to loose the good health I had before enjoyed but want of exercise was not the only cause of my losing my health for my excessive abstinence weakened the powers of digestion. When I read the word of God it seemed to me like a sealed book that is I thought I once had a day of grace but that now It had left me forever. And what was still worse if possible – I had got into a terrible way of caviling at certain parts of the bible. The desert of God, for instance, I thought entirely at variance with the free agency of man – And I was let go so

far that sometimes I doubted the truth of the whole bible. But with this I could not be satisfied consequently there was a great struggle to get rid of [TK]. Whilst reading the work about 20 one [TK] and frequently saying to myself I once had an interest in you but now it is lost, I broke off & I nealed down to pray & just as I rose from my knees a sudden gust of joy came into my heart & I wished to cry aloud but in a few moment sit was all gone &

PAGE 18I was left in the same old state of hardship & unbelief. In about 2 weeks after I thought I must be humbled before God could accept me & took myself to fasting & prayer to affect this & thought I would make a desperate effort to obtain an interest in Christ. I spent much time in prayer & reading religious books after fasting for nearly 48 hours on One Sabbath Afternoon after having spent all the morning in in trying to contemplate the Character of Christ. All at once I felt very happy 7 that Evening I thought I could look back & see all the way that God had led me, as well as the wonderful deliverances that he had wrought for & felt to thank & bless him that he had not cut myself & sent me to hell. The next morning it seemed that all the evil was take off & I relished the whole word of God & had the worship that morning in the family with delight. I did not want to go with the world again. It appeared as if I wished to let the Earth go & thought that I had not got into a new world & went on to perform. All the external duties of A Christian & very soon made my mind known to my friend who thought me now very religious (certainly, for even before this they have favorable view of my piety. I might now be said to be as strict a [TK] as ever lived. I fasted & prayed much was very [TK] in all my external department & took a very active part in religion. I thought

PAGE 19surely now I was in the way to heaven – but notwithstanding all I must say that I was ever wretched & miserable in midst of all my fair show for my happiness arose chiefly from my hope in the mercy of God or rather from a persuasion of my being in a state of Grace – and here I fear too many mistakes. They love God not for what he is in himself but because of what he has done for they expect to receive from him. Such persons as soon as they loose their hope are wretched & miserable & can only consent to be on the Lord’s side when they hope to be saved by him. Poor Christians indeed are such. Not so with the true Christians he loves God not only for what he has done for him & what he hopes to receive from him but because he is lovely & his resolution is I will trust in thee thoroughly. [May me TK?]. After teaching 5 months I concluded

to leave off teaching & prepare for the Sophimore Class in Yale College. My Employers as well as Scholars were very unwilling to give me up but I thought it duty consequently I went to prepare but after I had been studying about 8 months I concluded to go to Princeton where I am now. I entered Princeton College in the fall of 1834, joined Soph Class but owing to ill health was obliged to leave in about 5 weeks. My complaint was dyspepsia.

PAGE 20I was reduced by it almost to death’s door. When I left College I resolved never to enter again unless I had more religion for somehow or other I was so impressed with the importance of holiness in a minute that I thought no man could be useful without it. Accordingly when I returned home I had nothing to do – being unable to study I thought I would commence seeking or more piety. I say more, for even at the time I thought I had some piety. I spent a great deal of time in prayer & reading religious books, sometimes going by myself, 6 or 7 times a day to pray – frequently I would give all up for lost Y think it was all in vain to attempt to seek religion – but then again – conscience would do her work & [strike TK] me so that I would have no peace until I commenced a new seeking God. O this was hard work indeed for every time I prepared to go farther & farther from God. I envied almost every one as being more happy than myself. I read of the promises of God’s word & admired them all but thought that none applied to me. I read of the torment of woe but it seemed to harm me but the more. O thought I if I could get as near the kindom as I once was how I could strive to enter in but this I never expected to be again. No I thought all

PAGE 21all all was lost. I spent several months in this way but finally thought I must do something or go quick to hell & resolved to spend my time in fasting & prayer until I obtained true religion. Consequently to effect my purpose I took myself to a school house which stood near to my father’s with whom I then resided. Here I stayed living on almost nothing & engaged all the time in Reading meditating & prayer. I had not pursued this long before I thought I could pray quite well 7 soon after acquired such a fluency in prayer that I thought surely I must now be in a fair way to heaven & finally one night whilst engaged in prayer thought my load was all taken off & felt for a short time relieved. I thought I could see clearly the way in which a sinner ought to come to Christ & the way appeared perfectly easy to me & I reproached myself very much at times in prayer – but at others again would be almost in despair but these I was told were nothing the trials of the Christians

faith & that I must expect them – but I now see plainly that there was a secret holding on to the world. I very soon began to loose my enjoyment in Religion & to return to the world some times I would get so far that I thought it

PAGE 22was wrong for such a wretch as I evidently was to attempt to pray or to even expect to obtain mercy – I soon had a warm attachment to the world & its pleasures though I was unwilling to acknowledge it to even myself. For my conscience was still alive to duty but Alas, I found from sad experience that as wickedness gained ground conscience lost its power. I would live in the most awful state of doubting & despair for several days at a time & would think myself wholly give up of God to be driven by Satan just as he pleased. When I got completely run down as I called it so that I thought myself as bad as Satan himself I would then commence fasting & prayer until I got into what I called a better State – But eve all this time I thought it duty to take part in religious meetings & frequently stood up & addressed quite assemblies on the all important subject of Religion this was hard work indeed to a person feeling as I did, sometimes I would try to stand back – But this I could not do for I at this time was assisting my brother in taking charge of the County poorhouse where meeting was held every Sabbath & there being no one to conduct it but he & myself we took turns alternately. Here I remained until the fall of the year of 1836 at which time I left to reenter College. At this time I had been more than usually

PAGE 23engaged in religion & felt when I entered College in a pretty comfortable frame of mind – I soon found myself surrounded with my classmates & companions in the pursuit of literature. I now thought I would live a new life intirely & commenced by living very temperate by being very exemplary in my conduct & diligent in my studies. I took a fair stand in my class, which numbered between 50 & 60 students. I spent much time in prayer & fasted as often as once a week & thought myself an example for my fellow students – but was now I had times of doubting which would at times lead me so far as to think that I was not a Christian when this did occur my resort was to cast myself on God & fast & pray until I got into a good state again in this way I lived for about 11 weeks when I was fully convinced that I was not a Christian. Despair now is almost its worst form seized upon me – yea I think I may safely say [despair crossed out]. I cursed the day of my birth. As I was taking my walk one day from the College about a mile & a half I reproached myself in language something like this – O Fool! Fool! Fool!

That I did not pay attention to the word of God when I used to read it so much – O Wretch I

PAGE 24have slighted all Gods offers of mercy to me & now his tremendous wrath awaits me. Every curse in his word all stand out against me. O if I should die now I should drop quick into hell. I trembled at the very thought of hell & death for it appeared to me that I had slighted so many calls of mercy. It could not be otherwise than that I must sink into the hottest hell – Thought I would like to die without any persons knowing it – for I thought it would so disgrace my friends for me to die in the horrors of despair after having taken such an active part in religion as well as being thought by all my friends & acquaintances to be very pious – Sometimes I thought of suicide but I was too well convinced that there was a hell to be guilty of so base an act – It is true when it was morning I said to myself O that it was evening & again when it was evening that it was morning. My conscience [TK] me almost incessantly. O thought I if hell is any worse than I now enjoy what must it be. O thought I, what shall I do I cannot study & If I go home I shall only be a disgrace to my friends & besides I shall have many more temptations than I have her e& further I have no power to resist temptation & therefore what shall I then again the blackest despair seized me & I thought I must very soon die & go to hell

PAGE 25O Sinner please take warning from me how you continue in sin for you know not what moment God may give you up to commit all manner of wickedness. Verily it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God – Verily who are the limits of pure virtue are transcended you know not where you will land – But to return I continue in this awful state of remorse & despair until vacation came the time for me to return to my family. At first I thought strongly of not returning home but remaining in Princeton but when I could not remain in college on account of its being closed – I was forced to go – I left with the Expectation of never returning again – But when I returned home to my dear friends I was received so gladly by them that I was forced as it were to put on an assumed [tic?] appearance & thought I had firmly made up my mind never to return to college so very great was the expectation of my concerning me that I never mentioned it to even one of them – Shortly after I came home some of my friends were very anxious that I should go to see a very amiable & godly young woman with whom I have had the acquaintance & who entirely contrary to

PAGE 26my least expectation had modestly shown signs of attachment to me – At first I thought I am too far undone to attempt a thing of this kind – But being earnestly solicited by an intimate acquaintance of hers as well as repeatedly by my friends I finally consented to go. The day was appointed with myself when I should pay Miss --- a visit. It had come & the horse & carriage were [TK] in the best manner possible for R to go – I mounted & rode some 7 or 8 miles when my guilt pressed so upon me that I returned home – I had promised her friend I would go & what to do I did not know finally I thought there was no way to get clear of it & I should have to go. 2 days after I plucked up courage & went and was received very kindly indeed by friends & Miss herself – Their kind treatment in a measure revived me & led me to think I might possibly obtain the hand of one who was beloved by all who knew her – This added encouragement for me to return to College & I resolved to do so _ All this time I continued the form of my religious duties & who called upon always took part in conducting religious worship – But the greatest encouragement that I had to return to College was that God might possible see fit to answer the prayers of my pious friends who ever daily

PAGE 27& almost hourly ascending to hear in my behalf – I had give up all Confidence in my own prayers – though I was far from giving up praying – I returned to College unprepared as I was to pursue study – This summer I boarded alone in my room. It cost me about 4/ per week though boarding at this time was very dear in the place. O the trials I endured & the sufferings I underwent during this Session _ I had been accustomed to bountiful living & now to come down to live upon bread & water was hard indeed – Besides I was the only one among all the students that lived after this manner & It being so very unpopular I was looked upon with scorn by the most of them – As might very naturally be supposed I made small proficiencies in study during this whole session – But notwithstanding all this had my mind been at peace I could have borne it with comparative ease – But the horrors of despair hung by me yet. Often would I have abandoned study had I been free from all the expectations of my friends & acquaintance – But I thought I had now gone so far that there was no returning back – I then would reproach myself for having ever attempted to acquire a liberal Education & wished to myself that I had remained

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auietly on the farm for I thought it would be impossible for me now to go back without disgrace upon myself & upon my friends whom I valued very much – I thought finally I could but be damned if I continued on in my studies & this I was certain of If I gave them up so I thought I would persist a little longer – The next vacation came & I again visited my friends – All glad to see me as before. This gave me great trouble to think there was great danger of my thwarting all their expectations. Wretched man I was though they knew it not. I could have desired greatly at this time also not to have returned to college – but darest not mention it to any one of my friends – I thought I must again visit Miss – I did so -- & from the interview I had with her at this time as before I was done how or other greatly encouraged to continue on in my studying – I suppose however the whole affair was just this. I had become exceedingly fond of the amiable girl & she being pious desired to become the wife of a foreign missionary consequently I thought if I gave up study I must break off my correspondence with her But to do justice to myself I was sure of entire destruction if I went back & thought perhaps God might possibly in answer to [my prayers, crossed out] the prayers of my dear friends have mercy upon me

PAGE 29If I continued on O I bless God that he did [throw?] such immeasurable barriers in my way to hinder me from returning. Bless the Lord O my soul & all that is within me for the wonderful way into which he hath led me—The Vacation ran out & I returned to College in very nearly the same state of mind as before only I thought my guilt was greater because of habits rejected God calls the of term – It gave me so much trouble when I attended meetings that I could scarcely bare to attend. 6 weeks of the present session had passed away & I had just on the point of leaving College – having given all up for lost – I now thought myself undone forever & that I was entirely given of God to be eternally damned. But I must say that I continued praying & for about a week at this time had been joining fasting with it – But just as I had given all up for lost – the thought came into my mind – My case is as bad as it can possibly be & I have nothing to risk by casting myself upon God – he may possibly save me & I now I shall be damned if I don’t – I resolved & gave up to God & prayed him to accept – Scarcely had I left my Closet when I was overwhelmed with a feeling sunk of the love

PAGE 30of God – I had often tried to love him before but now was emphatically constrained to do it – I loved his whole character & all connected with it

– could do nothing but just sit in my Chair & adore him for the most of the night (about 10 oclock Sunday evening 18th Dec 1836) when this Almighty change took place) just before daylight however I wrote two letters 1 to an important young an advising him to take care of his soul & the other to one of my dear brothers exhorting him to live entirely for God. The next morning I felt that I was in a new world, my Load of guilt which had so long weighed me down I felt all to be removed. I viewed every thing in a new light. I hated & continued those things which I once loved & cherished – I now felt conscious that I loved God for what he was in himself – I now felt a stronger attachment to the [TK] of God than I ever had before felt to any of my own dear relations. O! O! how I now desired the conversion of souls & the glory of God – Had but very little desire to converse with Sinners about religions but my very soul seemed drawn out in desire to converse with Christians – with the students of the Theological Seminary & with the Professors of the college & Seminar – Though very shy of conversing with ministers before It seemed now

PAGE 31delight & joy to sit in the company of & to converse with ministers & holy men of God. I desired to converse with all near at hand & to write to all I knew – Though the word of God as a whole was delightful to me yet my very soul was so drawn out in prayer & praise that I found but little time for reading of any kind – Could not study College studies – My soul seemed to relish four [TK]. I went to see all except 2 or 3 of my instructors & had a delightful interview with each of them. I also visited Drs Alexander & Breckenridge of the Seminary & was greatly edified by their conversation Particularly with the conversations of Br [TK] who I came from Bro Study as though I wanted to renounce all dependence on self & to cast all on God & life entirely to his Glory. I think I derived great benefit from converting with my instructors. 2 Weeks after that awfully solemn but delightful night I was afflicted with jobs affliction – My pain was intense – but O It was delightful to lie upon the bed of affliction & plead his promise. IT was the best week I had ever before witnessed in my life. O bless God for that affliction. On Saturday of the same week I felt that my end was near at hand up to this time I felt a strong desire to listen preach the Gospel but on the morning of this day

PAGE 32I committed all for time & eternity into the hands of him who rules the world & I felt no more concern for the stuff of this life. I think I really enjoyed that morning something of the happiness of heaven. O What

views I had this morning of heaven & hell. I had no longer a desire to remain upon the Earth – had no desire to see a physician or to use any means to my recovery. Was perfectly Calm & composed – Wrote in great haste for my brothers stating to them that I desired greatly to see them before I went home – I in reality thought as it was the last day of my Earthly Career – But along in the afternoon whilst I was attempting to write a few things to [TK] expecting it to be my last, I seemed as if I was found back again into the world. For though very weak & [TK?], I began to recover all of a sudden & so great was the change wrong in my that I was enabled on the next day to attend Church. O What a delightful day – On this day I consecrated myself entirely to be the Lords alone for time & Eternity & It is now four weeks since that day & I have enjoyed the light of God’s continuance continually – In a little more than 2 weeks after the memorable night I wrote 23 letters to pious friends & acquaintances writing them

PAGE 33all to live entirely for God – January 29th 1837.

Feb. 1st 1837. Felt this morning a full sense of the Goodness & mercy of God – my first thought was directed to him had sweet communion with God to day. O that I might live continually in his fear – O that I might spend every moment of my time in Glorifying my savior! “O how kind has God been to me! How has he raised up friendly in every place where his providence has called me! Friends are a great comfort; and it is God who gives them; it is He who makes them friendly to me. Bless the Lord, O my Soul & forget not all his benefit.”

Feb. 2d. Have enjoyed religion to day, but have not had any of those near sessions of communion with God which have been so refreshing to me heretofore.

Feb. 5th. Sunday Afternoon – Have had a precious day to day – Spent much time in prayer – Had the presence of God with me to day. Enjoyed a bright Evidence of my acceptance with God. O that all the world could enjoy God to as I have enjoyed him to day. Bless the Lord. O though my Soul & all that is within me for the wonderful deliverances that he has wrought for me – bless his holy name –

PAGE 34Once the Sabbath day was a burden to me – I was sorry to see it come & hailed with joy its end but now the Contrary is the fact –I long to see the Sabbath now approach or rather Saturday evening for then I

generally begin my Sabbath – It is truly a delight to my soul. There it is my soul is drawn out in earnest to God in prayer & There my soul delights to withdraw from all Earthly to hold communion with God – Blessed day – Excellent gift of the most high – Were it not for thee I do not believe such a thing as Religion could Exist upon Earth

“Sweet is the day of sacred restNo mortal care shall seize by breastO may my heart in time be foundLike David’s harp of Solomon Sound.” [TK]

Feb. 8th 1837. Have resolved to spend this day (Wednesday) in fasting & prayer that this affliction I have just received may not be lost. O that God would sanctify me in heart & in life. O that he would make me live more [wonderfully?] to his Glory. Shall the effect of this affliction be to harden me instead of being me nearer to God – One or the other of these it mist be fore very occasion in life has either a softening or

PAGE 35or hardening tendency. Every time I hear or read the word of God – Every time I tend a funeral. Every time I visit the sick bed – Every time I am afflicted I am either made better or worse.

Feb 9 and 11. Two days that have been precious to my soulHave enjoyed much of the presence of my SaviorSpent a part of the latter in fasting. I believe, the reason why Christians do not enjoy themselves in College is, they spend too little time in prayer. If they would but learn the happy art of [reducing] time, from vain & trifling conversations, from vain & idle amusement, both of which are deadening to Religion, for Payer & studying of the Scriptures O how their souls would thrive. Have spent a good deal of time in self-examination & found I had secretly been indulging in the great a friendship for the honours & pleasure of this life but I now see something of their utter worthlessness.

Sunday Evening Feb 12 1837Have been afflicted the past week with an attack upon my lungs. Have not been able to attend a single College exercise. I thought the 1st part of the week that I could not certainly look the time from my studies for I thought it would place

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me in the war of my class. But now I see plainly that God only wanted to deprive me of a less blessing in order to bestow upon me a greater. Mysterious are the ways O Lord. It has been the best week to my soul that I never have spent in my life. Had God not afflicted me perhaps I should have become ambitious of acquiring College honors or of seeking the applause of men. O My dear God! Though always knowst what is best for me. And may I learn from this, as well as have all the acts of kindness towards me to distrust myself in judging what is best for me & to never resist they will. Holy & righteousness, just & Good. Mercifully & Gracious art thou. May I never resist they wish & gracious reign. May I always acquiesce in the dealings of thy providence however afflicting & trying they may be. Have had previous seasons of communion with my gracious master. Have delighted my self greatly in the word of God. O what sweet enjoyment in prayer Have I loathed & abhorred myself on account of sin. Have felt to cry unto my dear God May me holy My me heavenly minded. Contented, humble, make me like thyself, Make me to be a living witness for thee & in short to make me perfect in every Christian Grace.

PAGE 37My Earnest prayer to God has been during this week to separate me at an infinite distance from all sin, even the heart. In examining my heart I found I had been placing my affections too much upon my friends & that I had too great a desire to visit them. I think I have evidence that I am a Christian & If so I can never do too much for God. I am in duty bound to live more for God. I cannot go on as heretofore without admitting great sin. God gives me grace that I may improve it to his glory. And if I am faithful into the end he has promised to me a crown of eternal life. Prayer begets Prayer. Grace begets Grace. The more I pray the more I want to pray the more I have of God’s spirit the more I desire, and so it goes on throughout long Eternity. O may I never forget to live for my God & to praise him continually. In being low before God consists my greatest honour & happiness. Then let me always keep in the valley of humiliation. For he that communicates himself is not approved, but whom God communicath he is eternal. The honour that comes from man is not worth possessing without the fear of God. Use the pleasures of this world as you would poison in certain cases poison is very good absolutely necessary, but if we take a little too

PAGE 38

much how awful is the effect. So with the comforts of this life. If we have too many of them they produce lameness & bareness in our souls & led us to forget our God as well as to forget our eternal home.

Feb. 12. Have spent much time in prayer to day. Have had some enjoyment in Religion this Evening fell in company with some students. Though all pious spent this Evening in conversation about the things of the world. I indulged in considerable levity, but felt my conscience spite me upon returning to my room. I am determined to avoid doing the like again. Henceforth I will avoid speaking any Idle word.

Feb. 13th. Awoke this morning in the enjoyment of religion & Resolved to seek first the kingdom of God & his neighbors [TK] – Have been confined to my bed the most of the day with sickness but felt myself so resigned to the word of God that I seemed to have but little care whether I continued sick or got well so that I could but do & suffer the will of God – I do hope & pray that God will never suffer me to guide myself any man – I want to lie in his hands & to know & do his will O that I may know more of God! Have had this Evening sweet enjoyment in meditation.

PAGE 39February 15th. Have been confined to my bed all day – Have felt very much resigned to the will of the Lord – had a great desire to be free from all sin. Have felt to loathe & abhor myself on account of it. Have viewed it as odious not only because it is opposed to me but because it is against God. I believe God is daily answering my prayers to purify for I feel an increasing hatred to sin. My Daily prayer has been – God make me holy. God fit me for thy work & I ask no more. O may I err live before thee thou great & good God. May I ever strive to win when Christ is not my al. Sensible am I that my true happiness consists in lying low before God I must soon die. I must soon be at the bar of God. Am I prepared should death come to night. I trust I am. For what do I desire to get will & to live long upon the Earth. Is it to glorify God. Search gracious Lord & see & make me to know mine errors.

O Wicked deceitful world! For what do I desire to stay in thee. All thy pleasures are vanity unlike those above. Within the City of my God there are pleasures substantial & secure. O When shall I be near & like my God.

PAGE 40

Feb 16th Have set up a part of the day. Felt to thank God that he had permitted me once more to ride from the bed of affliction. I believe my affliction has been sanctified to me & when this is the case afflictions are the greatest blessings. Felt somewhat disposed this evening to leave College. But I am sensible that by so doing I should have to go back one whole year & consequently would get into the ministry all that much latter, but rather than to do this I will endeavor to improve all my time & in this way to prepare myself for the sacred office, as well as I can, for I am sensible that no person young or old should enter upon the ministry without due preparation. The world is dying for want of men & if only prepared I cannot get to tis relief too soon. Instead therefore of going home to stay one year I will endeavor to do the best I can. Every time I rise from the bed of affliction I feel that I am bound to live more entirely for the Glory of God. I do therefore pledge myself to be the Lord & his forever & May God grant me grace to live daily in his fear; not seeking mine own will but the will of his who hath called me to follow him –

PAGE 41Feb. 17th 1837. Health is much better too [second o struck out] night than it was last evening. O What shall I render to my God for all his kindness shown. Have spent much time today in heavenly contemplation. O how Sweet my meditations have been too [second o struck out] day: Have imagined myself walking the golden streets: O how infinitely above the happiness to be obtained in this life does the happiness of [TK] appear to me. I find that Every day I am afflicted is a great benefit to me & I have ardently prayed that God would not lift up his afflicting hand until his intire will is accomplished respecting me. Good Lord may thy whole will be done in me & by me from this time forth & forevermore. This Night Examined my case & found that I had Evidence of Piety: I am sensible I never can do enough for God: Eternity is too short to praise him sufficiently O that I could be spared to preach the Gospel to my dying fellow men! God grant unto me grace to improve every moment of my time: for I must account for every moment unto him: This night I renewed my covenant to be the Lord & his alone from this time forth & for ever.

PAGE 42Feb. 18 1837. Have set apart this day, as a day of fasting & prayer to humble myself before God & to seek after more conformity to his will: I expect much from God to day: for the promise is: Ask & ye shall receive, seek & ye shall find, knock & ye shall find: Glorious truth I have experienced thee in my own soul: For I find the more I pray the

more I want to pray: the greater delight I take in prayer: in the word of God & in Every thing pertaining to Religion: O Why don’t Christians spend more time in earnest fervent prayer: when the blessings of God can be had at so cheap a rate: Prayer begets Prayer: & the more we have of God’s sprit the more we desire & the more we are prepared to receive. We need not be afraid of having too much of God’s spirit. It is a glorious truth & should be always remembered. Thy true grace give unto us prepared us to receive more: If Christians would pray more & think of God oftener they would soon find their progress in piety increasing & in proportion as true piety, in the soul, increased the possessor gets rid of all his anxieties: We want true religion to enjoy life: to make us useful to others & to fit us for death, as well as the enjoyment of God in an other world. Saturday evening February 18th

1837. Have spent this day in fasting & prayer to Almighty God for his blessing upon myself & others: have experienced this day the truth of that passage of God’s word which says Ask &

PAGE 43ye shall receive Seek & ye shall find: &c. The Lord has granted all my desires this day: and I feel to night full of the love of God: O my will is lost in God: I feel that I have no will of my own & Henceforth I only desire to know & do the will of my God who has been so good to me: O the Goodness of the Lord I have experienced during the past 2 weeks the most of which time has been confined to my room in body: but in mind have traveled ere to the throne of the Great God: I cannot describe what I have experienced during that time.: the nearest I can come to it is to say that I have been filled full of the love of God: which no doubt will be intelligible to all that have experienced any of that love: Felt to night uncommonly dead to the world: O!!! The love of God I feel my soul full of it this moment who can understand thee O God: Verily thou art past finding out: All that I expect to know of thee in this life is that they art past finding outMonday Evening February 20th 1837 The 2 past days have had much enjoyment in Religion. Have mourned on account of sin & some of the time have been as it were in a song [TK]. The struggle in my soul was so great

PAGE 44Yesterday noon after having been fasting for some time indulged my appetite to excess. This appeared to me to be exceedingly wicked. After having enjoyed God as I had for the 2 past weeks: & especially having so recently come from church where I as almost carried away with delight in lightning to the word of God: I felt that I had sinned

against my best friend & for almost 2 hours after could do nothing but grieve – tried to pray but could could only say a few words but though I could not pray in words my spirit seemed to grow with me: Fasted in the Evening & had much delight in prayer: & was enabled to converse with 5 of my [repentant? TK] fellow students upon the Subject of religion. I told them I expected to meet thee All at the bar of God that I believed I had experienced true religion & that I really trembled for my fellow students. I believe God was with me & enabled me to speak in the spirit this Morning (Monday) Rose before day light for to attend to my morning devotions: O What a sweet season of prayer I had: Though I never felt to be so low before God at any time before my heart was fitted upon the blessed God: His presence has been with me all day long & O how delightful has this day passed away Have been enabled to study considerable O how

PAGE 45delightful to live for God: & must my happiness continue to encrease from day to day as It has done for some time past: O happy indeed I am: God has done much for my soul: I love to pray: I try to mediate upon divine things: I love the brethren & love the Cause of Christ: I love my bible: I love my studies: I love to do Good: O what a satisfaction then is in doing God ----21st Feb. Have been much engaged in my studies: have not enjoyed very good bodily health but my mind has been traveling on to that better world where I hope to be free from all sin & consequently from all sorrowing: O where shall I be then at times I am tried of life & would almost fair desire to depart & be with Jesus which is far better than to remain: But then I would at other times like to remain to do good to my friends & the world at large: O that God would make me useful: Eminently useful: This I desire to but for this I will aim: O Lord give me much of thy spirit for without it I cant live.

PAGE 46Monday Evening February 27th 1837Have Suffered many sever trials during 5 or 6 days. Have found it absolutely necessary to be upon my knees the most of the time: My trials have arisen from the temptations of Satan & the corruptions of my wicked heart but in the midst of all God in his mercy has not failed to manifest himself into me for not a day has passed but that I have enjoyed a spirit of prayer – O What a glorious time that will be when I shall be delivered form sin Sorrow & be permitted to enter upon the joys of heavenTuesday Evening February 28th 1839. Princeton New Jersey

Have had renewed Evidence of my union with Christ. I find however that I cannot live without sin: Would to God I could Sin spoils all I do: If I attempt to pray: or to raise Gods word: to conduct a religious meeting or to attend upon the preaching of the word I find the [TK] gest always present O that I could find some place where I could praise God aright – Bodily health is poor: but the health of my mind is improving: Every day Bless the Lord O My Lord for all his benefit unto me Praise be his holy name

PAGE 47March 20 1837 Got up this morning as usual, dressed myself prepared to attend prayer immediately after Prayers commenced my studies, persued my studies with tolerable success in the forenoon but in the afternoon the state of my health prevented me from study. O what would I give to enjoy good bodily health. When I enjoyed good health I had not an inclination to improve my time; but I believe Providence has implanted in my bosom an ardent desire to fit myself for usefulness. I long to be qualified to preach the Gospel. O that I was ready, even now, to proclaim aloud, to a dying world, of the love of Jesus. Notwithstanding my ill health, I am encouraged to persevere relying on the Blessed God for assistance, and hoping that I may one day stand by the side of his alter to minister unto his people. March 5th 1836 Sabbath MorningTo day the Lord Supper is to be celebrated in the Birch Church of this Place and I expect to commune there with the people of God. I have spent much time in self examination & prayer to God. My prayer has been that he would baptize me with the holy Ghost. O that Christ would be present to day & put his seal upon me

PAGE 48“Now Lord I would be thine aloneAnd wholly live to thee,”

O that Christ would be present at the feast to day. This day it is 10 weeks since I meet the great change and I have not spent one single day without having evidence of my acceptance with Christ

How blest a life thus to spendIn hope of one that ner shall end

Sunday Evening: Enjoyed much communion with God at his table. Felt to embrace a world in my prayers. Made an actual, formal agreement with God to be his and his only in words something like the following, Believing it to be agreeable to the will & for the Glory of God, I do consecrate all I have and am to the Lord: & further I promise to be

faithful in the performance of all known duty: My prayer to God was O God Baptise me with the holy Ghost: Seal me with they blood that I may no more depart from thee forever O the blessedness of Religion. It is life & health & peace O that all mankind saw & felt the worth of the Religion of Jesus Christ as I have this day. Without my savior I could not live: When he departs but for a moment I am wretched & helpless

PAGE 49March 16th Have enjoyed to day the sweet smiles of Gods Countenance O how refreshing to a hungry & weary soul to cast all upon God & have all its wants supplied in him

O What would I give If I was more holy! O When shall I be done fighting against sin that hellish monster: O my dear Redeemer send deliverance that I may triumph in the over all my enemies! O that I was now ready to preach the Gospel: but I am fully persuaded that I must not enter so holly a calling without due preparation: I believe I am called of God to be an ambassador for Christ O What a calling! To be permitted to preach Christ & him crucified! I must be more holy or else I never shall be fit for it: God make me holy & fit me for the work and I ask no more:March 7th 1837. Enjoyed sweet communion with God scarce ever had such solid comfort: “It was a joy insuperable & full of Glory” O that I could serve God better! O that I could serve him with all my power of body & mind

PAGE 50 March 13th 1837 Have enjoyed much of the comforts of well grounded hope in [TK]. My comforts have been of a solid nature, but in the mean time I have had several temptations. This Evening have decided to be a Foreign Missionary. O that I was ready to go now. I think I would like to go to India. I cannot describe my feelings better than in the following hymn.

Yes my native land, I love thee,All thy scenes – I love them well; Friends, connections, happy country!Can I bid you all farewell? – Can I leave you – Far in heathen lands to dwell?

2dHome! Thy joys are passing lovely; Joys no stranger heart can tellHappy home! Indeed I love thee!Can I – can I say – Farewell?

Can I leave thee –Far in heathen lands to dwell?

PAGE 513d

Scenes of sacred peace and pleasureHoly days and Sabbath bell,Richest, brightest, sweetest treasureCan I say a last farewell?Can I leave thee – Far in heathen lands to dwell?

4th

Yes! I hasten from you gladly,For tho scenes I love so wellFar away, ye billows, bear me:Lovely native land, farewell!Pleased I leave theeFar in heathen lands to dwell

5th

In the deserts le me laborOn the mountains let me tellHow he died the blessed Saviour – To redeem a world from hellLet me hastenFar in heathen lands to dwell

PAGE 526th

Bear me on thou restless oceansLet the winds the canvass swellHeavens my heart with warm emotions,While I go far hence to dwellGlad I bid thee, Native land! Farewell – Farewell!

The Sentiments Expressed in this hymn I can adopt and call them my own: O that I was ready to go now. Gladly would I leave my home

March 16th 1837 Last evening had a wonderful season in Prayer: scarce ever better had so much faith to call upon God: O It was sweet indeed in the dark still hour of the night to commune with God and my own heart, while none but God could hear” Ever since March 5 I have had

more than usual enjoyment in Religion: I believe God answered my prayer and that day for [TK] of his sprit. I love to consider the near and dear relation which I sustain to God and to his people. O What are honour to be [TK].

PAGE 56This Evening attended a prayer meeting among the bold people of this place and although only 5 present I spoke to them about 40 minutes, Acting on the broad principal he that is faithful is that which is least is faithful also in [TK]. I really enjoyed the meeting and found it profitable to my soul. O that I was ready now, to preach the Gospel. To preach the Gospel is an object worthy of my highest and best efforts. I believe that young men preparing for the ministry should [TK] to attend meetings, as often as convenient and to practice in [TK] in this way they will better understand what they need to fit them for the great work to Preach the Gospel. March 19th 1837. Sunday Evening. Attended meeting this Evening in the Africa Church about 35 present addressed them from these words Proverbs 8th Chap 4th Verse unto you I call &tcMarch 23d 1837 Thursday Evening. In view of the little piety in my own soul and of the lamentable state of religion in this College I do resolve to be more elevated and to commence I will spend tomorrow more time in prayer and next day (Saturday) will cement Fasting with it. The object of Prayer the following Revival of Religion – in this College and my own soul. And may it please God to grant the blessings for which I pray. Amen. The will of the Lord [TK].

PAGE 57Do not know when I have felt so little piety in my own soul as I now feel. Though I felt to night very much in meeting and with a good deal yet my weeping was chiefly on account of the session being near and ….no Revival of Religion taking place – O I feel guilty indeed! Great God have I not pledged myself to live entirely for thee and why then am I living as I do: O Lord forgive me the Past and I will through thy strength try to do better, Sanctify me O Lord fully and make me to do my duty.

O the temptations of life! How awful to be tempted to sin against God! My life, My joy very care

“They Only [sovereigns TK] of my heartMy Refuge, my Almighty Friend!And can my soul from thee depart,

Or when alas my hopes depend: [TK]

PAGE 58My Hope

1st What sinner value I resignLord tis enough that thou art mineI shall be hold thy blissful faceAnd stand complete in righteousness

2nd

This lifes a draw, an empty show;But the bright world to which I go – Hath joys substantial and sincere;Where shall I wake and find me there?

3dO glorious hour! O blest abode!I shall be near and like my God!And flesh and sin no more controlThe sacred pleasing of the Lord.

“Lord at thy feet my soul would lieHere softly dwells, and fear divine;Still let me live beneath thine EyeFor life Eternal life is thine”

March 31st 1837 Princeton College A Number//Robt W. Saywer of the Junior Class half Advanced//Robt W. Sawyer

PAGE 59March 31st For several days have been severely tried but have enjoyed some very delightful seasons of communion with God. I have had to spend almost all the time in fasting and Prayer. Bless the Lord O my soul I shall conquer though I die the Battle will soon be over – and then I shall reap the fruits of all my suffering My trials thus far have had a happy effect upon me The more severely I am tried the better so that I but come off conquered victorious through Christ I think death will be delightful after having suffered in the flesh—

Beyond this vale of tearsThere is a life aboveMeasured by the flight of yearsAnd all that life is love.

Shall I be carried to the skiesOn flowering beds of easeWhilst others fought to win the prizeAnd sailed through bloody Seas

PAGE 60Sunday evening April 2d Nassau Hall 1837

O Lord my struggle and Redeemer! I thank thee that I can call thee mine. Thou art mine and I am thine. What else can I want! O my God!

Father, whatever of earthly blissThy sovereign will desired,Accepted at thy throne of graceLet this petition rise: -

Give me a calm, a thankful heartFrom every murmur free; The blessings of thy grace impart,And make me live to thee.

Let the sweet hope that I am thineMy life and death attend; Thy pristine through my journey shineAnd crown my journeys end.

PAGE 61April 6th 1837 Have experienced much of the Divine goodness this day: God has done has done abundantly above what I expected and for which I have attempted to praise him: my mediations of him this night have been sweet: The Session is now drawing to a close: The vacation is near at hand when I expect to visit my friends in my native place: There will be many temptations during the vacations which I do not now have: and I shall be tempted to misimprove my time

Many persons say do not study in vacations and in following this advice, which almost all catch at very readily: most are accustomed to give themselves into the hands of Idleness and this, in too many instances leads to dissipation: I do not believe I should study severe studies in vacations as in turn time One Grand Object in having any Vacation is to remit a persons health Now I believe that I can do this

and yet do a great deal else to fit me to Preach the Gospel. In view then of all the temptations to misimprove my privileges, I do, relying upon God to strengthen my Resolve to consider time as a sacred trust committed to

PAGE 62me by God himself: and that I must account for every moment of it: consequently I am bound to improve it accordingly: I resolve to seek the Glory of God in all I do: I resole to be always employed about something useful Either meditating, Praying, reading, singing, writing, conversing, exhorting, instructing, studying. I resolve to be industrious to be serious, to seek to get or else to impart Good wherever I go. I resolve to grow continually in grace. I resole to guard against a spirit of liberty: to attend strictly to al the duties of the closet. I resolve so far as in me lies to win souls to Christ by my conversation and my exemplary life. I will do all I can to review Gods work in the hearts of ChristiansThursday 18th May 1837 Returned to CollegeSpent the vacation as follows, studied some, Labored some, attended 4 evening meetings weekly which were commenced at my suggestion & 3 of which were almost entirely conducted by myself, exported 12 times frequently a good impression, seemed to be made the first night & spoke in Gale schoolhouse Several were deeply affected & all were solemn deeply so: visited several families during the va-

PAGE 63cation & harmed their spiritual state & exhorted and prayed with them: I believe through the blessing of God, on my feeble & imperfect efforts I have done Good & I fell that I have grown in Grace, Some of God’s people were revived, some impenitent sinners were ashamed but no entire conversions that I have heard of but alas I have done much evil too. I have been guilty of trifling away God’s precious time of levity on a number of occasions, of denying Christ, by refusing to confess him before my fellow mortals of unbelief that cause of all their sins, O Lord do thou Pardon me! Thou I am guilty thou art good therefore grant me forgiveness thou for Christ’s sake. I sum up all my resolutions at the commencement of this term in this one: to live not unto myself but unto him who gave himself for me. O Lord help me to perform my vow: & to thy name shall be all the praise. Amen.

PAGE 64Sunday May 21st 1837

Just came from attending upon the preaching of the word. Did not enjoy myself very well, owing to weariness of the flesh, having been much engaged during the morning, in reading, praying, meditating, etc. It is a solemn thing to attend upon the Preaching of God’s most holy word. For he heath said, that it shall either prove a savior [TK] of Life unto Life, or of death unto death. Sermon to day from these words “Though a sinner do evil a hundred times, and his days be prolonged, yet surely I know that it shall be well with them that fear God, which fear before him But it shall not be. My character answered to the description, given by the Minister, of thee who fear God. Well thou I have the promise of him who cannot live that it shall be well with me O! Is it possible that I am an heir of Glory, yes it is possible & not only so but absolutely certain. I feel that I am a child of God my affections go out after God. Never no never have I loved any Creature so as I have loved thee O though my strength & my Reward, Rejoice O my Soul & take courage for my [TK] birth.

PAGE 6523rd May 1837 Have enjoyed much peace of mind to day The Lord has been with me & he has kept my soul in peace. Thus far this Session the Lord has been with me & I pray that I may abide in Christ my Saviour. O for more of the spirit of my divine master I want to be like Christ I want to be perfect in love that I may be enabled to perform all my duty to my God & to man24th Have been in continual peace to day enjoyed a season of prayer with 2 of the students in my room, Attended a prayer meeting this evening at the house of the Mrs Sheldons, had a very good time indeed. I led the meeting, I have had much of the spirit of prayer to day. Think I am daily growing in Grace, & consequently no meeting for the Saints Everlasting not, and may the good Lord in much mercy, towards our unworthy course of the dust, be pleased & to perfect what his good spirit has begun. May I go from strength to strength, from one degree of holiness to another.

PAGE 66Had an uncommon season of Prayer to night. I had been praying for several days for more of God’s spirit & had been using the means appointed by him to obtain his blessing but to night as I was praying in my closet the still voice came & though unheard I knew he had been there for suddenly a thrill went through my soul such that I could compare it to nothing but to an electric shock Bless thou the Lord O! my soul he has answered my prayer in giving more of his spirit. Never no never can I praise him sufficiently. O! Good Lord seal me from thy

courts above. O! Keep me from sin & help me to live entirely unto thee & to thy great name shall be all the praise, Amen31st For about 36 hours have been in bitterness so to speak. The contest within my soul has been very severe. The spirit striving against the flesh & the flesh against the spirit, some of the time have been in [TK] feel to say some better, but alas! When shall I get the mastery over sin & Satan. Good Lord make haste & help me for vain in the help of man. I have not one fear of death bless the Lord for thy delivering me

PAGE 67from the fear of the king of tenors. Should I die this moment I believe I should go to be with Jesus my Saviour.

O Glorious Hour & blest abodeI shall be near & like my GodNor Flesh and sin no more controlThe [TK] pleasings of the soul.

June 5th SabbathWhen I pray mediate or read the word of God It seems as though

the fire burned within and I can exclaim my God thou art Mine Read this Morning the hymn yes my native land &c when I was melted into tears & felt as though I could adopt the spirit there expressed. I live in hopes of one day preaching the Gospel to the Heathens. “In the whole compass of human benevolence, there is nothing so grand, so noble, so Christian, so truly God-like, as the work of evangelizing the Heathen.” My soul be very courageous. This rugged path which thou art traveling leads

PAGE 68to endless joys on and be no discouraged at the difficulties which you must for sure. I must fight if I would resign and my only prayer is whereas [TK] my courage Lord to bear the cross, to endure the shame, supported by thy own

“Religion is the chief concernOf mortals here below;May I its great importance learn,Its sovereign virtue knows!

O, may my heart, by grace renewed,Be my Redeemer’s throne

And be my stubborn will subduedThis government to own.

Let deep repentance, faith and love,Be joined with godly fear;And all my conversations proveMy heart to be sincere.”

PAGE 69June 6th My soul is all unto God. Scarcely ever had a more delightful season of prayer than I enjoyed this morning. I can safely say I felt like a little child. This morning the fire of devotion burned within whilst reading he word of God & I was melted into tears both in reading and in praying. I wish I could live without sin. I wish that I might be made a faithful ambassador of Jesus Christ; yea I desire if it be the will of my Redeemer to be a missionary to the Heathens. O Lord keep me from sin. Keep me from distrusting thee. O Lord give unto thy unworthy servant more of thy spirit than he may design to live entirely to thy glory. Amen.June 10th 183 Sunday 10 oclock morningI have enjoyed the presence of God the whole of the past week until yesterday afternoon. I fell into known since and since that time have been in bitterness of soul. “The agencies of a sinner under commission are not to be mentioned on the same day, with those of the backsliders, when he comes to himself. I have felt to Grow over my folly. I have resolved to spend this day in fasting and prayer that God may be pleased

PAGE 70to restore unto me the sweet manifestation of his favour. I do not expect to serve God by my prayers and fasting &c. but my endeavor is to keep under the body in order that It may not be a hindrance to the soul. If I restrain my appetite I find I can the more easily restrain all the emotions of the soul. Attending meeting last Evening at quarter [TK], was somewhat engaged, but could not feel the Lord very present with me, on my way to the meeting called 2 old Ladies who reminded me of Marthy & Mary. They live alone by themselves only their brother who though not pious I imagined to be Lazarus, and benefited by their conversations.18th June 1837 Sunday Morning. Have spent the past week in struggling against [TK] competitions. The most of the time spent in scent has been employed in confessing my sins before God, who has frequently been pleased to manifest the smile of his presence unto his unworthy

servant. I feel to day that God must save or I perish, I can do no more. I have plead with him in prayer until I can plead no longer. Spent yesterday in fasting & Prayer, in the afternoon. I felt to pray earnestly for a revival of Religion in this College, in my native place, in the hearts of my pious friends, & throughout the world

PAGE 71Don’t know that I ever felt so strong a desire before, that the kingdom of the world should be given to Christ. I felt also a strong desire that God would combat my impenitent friends & acquaintances

To God I cried with mournful voicesI sought his gracious earIn the sad hour when trouble rodeAnd filled my heart with fear

But I forbid the hopeless thought,This dark, despairing frame,Remembering what they had hath wrought;Thy hand is still the same

23d June 1837 O My Dear Heavenly Father, thou knowst that I love thee! Thou knowst that thou art precious to my soul & that I am endeavouring to serve thee in the Gospel of the Sun, thou knowst that I have been redeemed by the death of the Dear Lord, that whereas I run was in love with see & cherished it now it is my hatred, and grief, that I cannot be free from it. Father I love thee for thou art lovely, because thou art my father, my

PAGE 72Benefactor, my Redeemer, because thou art he in whom I live & more & have my being, because I expect at death to go to be with thee in thy presence, to live & reign with thee on high

O glorious hour! O blest abodeI shall be near & like m God

By the help of God I mean to be no ordinary Christian. Pour out thy spirit upon me, O Lord, my God & sanctify me wholly & may I rest nothing short of a perfect man in Christ Jesus. O Lord why will thou not revive thy work in this College? Why wilt thou not display thy power in the conversion of sinner & in the comforting of thy people. Lord I do desire that thee will come amongst us & revive us, Amen.

Sunday morning June 25th 1837. 10.0. Saturday & today have enjoyed uncommon manifestations of God’s presence. I am entirely free from fear of death. Sin troubles me most of all things. There

seems to e indications that God is about to revive his work in this College. Never saw so much feeling manifested as was manifested this morning, several in tears, some have been recently awake to a sense of their danger others or thoughtful

PAGE 73Have conversed during the past week with several on the subject of Religion. And I resolve now in the strength of God to converse with one person at least every day on the subject of Religion. I believe this amounts of Great Good to my own soul & may be to many others there are 133 days in this session and in that time I can converse with 133 students on the subject of salvation & is it saying to much that God will convert over of that number. Bless the Lord O my soul that I have clear evidence this morning that I am a Child of God. I am Christ & Christ is God. God has promised to be with me unto the end of time, to stand by me in death & to ruin me to a glorious [TK] on high. What else do I want What else do I want. June 29th 1837 Last night I went into a fellow student’s room & conversed with him pointedly on the salvation of his soul & though he was one of the highminded he treated me with much respect. I asked him if I should pray with him he appeared entirely willing, & we kneeled down. Scarce ere felt more of the spirit of prayer than when engaged in prayer for him & to my astonishment when I left him he told me to call again for I would be entirely welcome

PAGE 74On returning to my room I don’t know that I ever felt such an overpowering sense of the love of God went to my closet to pray it seemed as thy God as indeed present with me. After prayer, I lay down in my bed, but could not sleep was so overwhelmed with the love of God that every move seemed should to praise him. I sweat wonderfully. O! What strong desires possessed my breast for a revival of Religion in this College & especially did I desire the conversion of the [undeserved TK]. The cog of us soul was was convert him [TK?]. O y God, Saviour visit thy plantation Bless the lord O my soul I hope engaged all day long an overwhelming sense of his Presence.July 1st 1837 O Lord my Redeemer I am vile & [wish TK] to look unto thee. I have sinned against thee & in thy sight. O come not out in judgment against me nor strike my name from the lambs book of lifes. Tomorrow is the season for communion in the Church. O Lord prepare me for that solemn but delightful delivery, may I get nearer to thee than ever before. O Lord down thy holy Spirit that I may be baptized

and with the Holy Ghost. Sanctify me Wholly, make me holy in heart & in life. Seal me from the Court above

PAGE 75Celebrated the Lords Supper yesterday: the Seminary Chapel had a delightful season. The master of the feast was present. Communion seasons grow better & better this is just as it should be. It was sweet to contemplate the people of God joining to celebrate the dying love of their redeemer. It was sweet to renew my vows unto God, to commit my interest & the interests of my friends unto his hands for time & eternity. It was sweet to repent of my sins & to implore his grace for the future & above all was it sweet to to look forward with joyful anticipation to that time when I hope to be engaged without cessation in such delightful exercises in the world of Angels. July 4th Evening Never enjoyed the birth day of our Country as I have enjoyed this day. I am fully convinced that we heard the Religion of Christ in order to enjoy the comforts of this life – of this truth I have been fully convinced this day as well as often beforeJuly 7th conversed last evening with 2 fellow students and prayed with them. The Lord was unto me and enabled me to speak with correspondence. I addressed

PAGE 76myself to it with much prayer & when ever I do that I always meet with success. May God of his infinite mercy sanctify to thee & to me the instructions of his words. May thy find no peace day nor night until thy find it in believing in the name of Jesus. O Lord Sanctify them through thy truth thy word is truth. Sabbath morning July 9th 1837Feel this morning an ardent desire to be sanctified wholly O that God would make me holly in heart & in life I am entirely free from fear of death & were I to die this moment I feel the fullest assurance that I should awake to a glorious resurrection on high. My peace is made with God blessed be his holy name. O that all the world felt towards God as I feel this morning. The Promise is ask & ye shall receive” This he has fulfilled unto me. I cried unto him in distress the Lord answered & heard me & hath enlarged my soul. Would Christians Pray more instead of [TK] & finding fault with God & meditating on their sorrow & telling thee to others –

Their Cheerful soul would oftener beHear what the Lord hath done for me

PAGE 7711th July yesterday & last evening was sensible of giving up my heart to God with a depth of feeling such as I never had before experienced. I can truly say I loved him with a love that cast out all fear. Language is inadequate to express what I have enjoyed of God to day. O Why will not my impenitent fellow students believe me when I tell them there is a blessedness in religion. Alas they are blind & cannot see. O that the Lord would open their eyes155th July Have been greatly tried with temptation during the Past week, Have enjoyed God more or less every day & have had some of the nearest approaches to him I ever had, Frequently have been pulled into trans whilst meditating on God, his word, and plan of salvation, but with all I have been severely tempted at times the enemies of my soul have seemed so great & numerous that It has appeared to me as if I was surrounded by serpents of al kinds (Of all things on Earth I am most afraid of snakes) & It appeared to me that God has appointed thee to me under this figure, in order that I may fear thee the men & be led to trust in him with all my heart. So vivid has been this view I have had of thee that at times I have seen all kinds of serpents crawling around me, the Huge black-snake, the horn snake

PAGE 78the Pilot, the Rattle Snake, with his whisking tale, the Boa-Constrictor, the black & Brown adder, & all other kinds that I ever heard of & what is worthy of remarks – thou they made so great a twisting & hissing – It appeared as though they could not harm me in the least so long as I was in Christ – but thy all were waiting with their weapons of death as soon as I lay down my watch – Could all have the view of their spiritual enemies I have had thy would see the necessity of being watchful humble & Prayerful as well as the worth of God’s protection. Could I swell my voice to reach every Professor of religion in this or any other land I would cry aloud in the language of Scripture “What I say unto you I say unto all watch.” The enemies of the soul are ten thousand times – ten thousand & thousands of thousands in number & so powerful that all the least is sufficient to destroy the soul – unless protected by Christ. But thanks be to God I feel greatly encouraged this morning (Sunday) for thou my enemies are so many & so powerful I see clearly & fully that not one of them can harm me in the least withough God’s permission. Let Satan & all the demons of hell rage & hurl their fiery darts as they please – so long as I have faith in God I am secure Bless the Lord O my soul and all that is in me Praise him all the people

PAGE 79Praise him with the Psaltery & harp; Praise him with the mistral & dance – Praise him ye bright thing hearts – ye mountains & vales – ye seas & dry lands – ye cattle & beasts of the field. Praise him ye fish of the sea, ye birds which fly in the air ye little lamps that ply in the meadow ye Holy Angels which excel in might Ye Seraphim & Cherubims arranged in bright & shining white –Praise him ye blood bought through of Saints & glorious yea spirits of just men made perfect – Praise him all that hath life or breath – All that hath fear or shape – All that hath been & now are in being – All Holy Ministers of the Everlasting Gospel All Office bearers in the Church of Christ – All Professors of Religion in this or any other land – All ye impenitent sinners that have no experienced the joy of Pardoned Sin – For he so loved the world – he gave his only sin to die that whoever believed on his might not Perish but might have everlasting life. Jesus was in all points tempted as in one – he fought he conquered & now he knows how to delivered the righteousness from temptation. My soul waits thou only on God from him alone come with thy help he is my expectation my joy my life my all

PAGE 80Have fasted today it being the last day of the quarter I receive great benefit from committing fasting with prayer – Thus it is that the soul consigned of its fetters of worldliness & self indulgence renews its spiritual strength – Thus it is that my heart is enlarged when I look unto God in good earnest – Have not enjoyed any of these sweet relishes of God’s presence for several days – But the fault is all my own I know the cause – that mortal sin has separated between me & my God – Return O holy dove return I hate the sins which drove them from my breast – O my Dear God when will Thou receive me how long wilt thou delay thy caring! My Dear Father have I not cryed unto thee in bitterness of soul & lamented my short comings before thee & hast thou not promised to be night to all that call on thy name – Lord I am thus & thou art mine I have given myself to thee in the bonds of an everlasting covenant never to be broke I cannot go back & do them in thy tender mercy grant me thy grace that I may never desire so for assisting on the fellowship of the world – Do all this for Christ Thy dear and [TK] who is worthy & in whom tho art

PAGE 81ere well pleased. May I know more of myself & thee – May the holy spirit take of the which are Jesus Christ & shew thee unto me I feel that

I have not been living as I should God has not been in all my thoughts & often I have been (on account of my folly) like the wicked as the troubled see – O my God rather let me die than to live as I have been living But Lord my resolutions have so often been broke that I do not resolve any more & my only prayer is Lord strengthen me with thy grace & then I will do thy will. O who shall I have down with earth to enter in the glorious realities of Eternity? When shall I have done fighting against sin the cause of all my sorrow When O The shall I praise thee as I ought But O my Dear Lord I would wait patiently for thy caring & I would be found faithful unto the end of [TK].

Sunday July 20th 1837 I t has been said by many that it is impossible to enjoy Religion in College but the Lord has taught me to the contrary in my own experience. Bless the Lord I find it impossible for these walls to silent out the presence of my God

PAGE 82for about 2 weeks past God has given me clearer views of my own vileness & sinfulness & of his own blessed perfections my commissions of sin has been greater than ever before experienced by me & my inward conflicts have been so great, in the mean time that I have had to fast almost every other day & to pray unto God night & day, I have also had greater hungriness & thirstings after righteousness than I have ever had before – sin has been truly a great burden to me & it has been my earnest my mute God night & day that he would send deliverance. Last night deliverance came. It was truly a heaven below – God came into my soul as a rushing [TK]. I was devoutly engaged in the readings of the Sacred descriptions where my soul was completely captivated & I was completely delivered from all fear of civil – I thought oh God as very reconciled father & then I thought for whose sake it was I had been reconciled when immediately my whole soul was engaged in love to God for the plan of Salvation through a crucified redeemer. I thought of the Bible as containing a knowledge of God of Jesus Christ of that place of salvation O with what inexpressible delight I read the word of God at first I thought I would not go to bed for the night but was much as I had for several nights past sit up

PAGE 83been broke of my rest a good deal I thought it my duty to retire – but as I lay down upon my bed I thought of – God the father – God the son & God the holy Ghost – felt as fully conscious that I loved him as I did of my own existence, but soon my soul was carried away in transports of love, joy, & peace. I got up dressed myself & sat down in the window

of my room, being wholly absorbed in the love of God & in thoughts of him & of his son Jesus Christ – for I saw clearly that It was all for Christs Sake I continued sitting there until this morning & what a hour of love I feel in my soul God is in all my thoughts & though I can say with Paul to die would be far better yet I desire to lay entirely in the hands of my Dear Jesus & to wait in the flesh to do his will. Death is by the Grace of God striped of all its terrors I fear nothing so much as sin – I am a redeemed [TK] sinner – I have a title to an inheritance which is incorruptible undefiled & that fade the not away but for this & for all things I possess unto God be all the praise not unto me not unto me O Lord but unto thee &c.

PAGE 84August 18th 1837 Since I last wrote in my diary God has had manifested himself in a most astonishing manner About one week ago I fell into sin but when I came to myself which was about 24 hours after I was greatly cut down so because of guilt It seemed as though all my sins came up to my view & I was bad to weep in bitterness before God for nearly all of Monday in the Evening I felt my Load of guilt all numb after I had been lamenting my sins before God at the foot of the Cross & had dedicated myself anew to the service of God – After forming anew my resolutions I lay down in my bed – in perfect peace – My mind seemed more than usually [knowingly TK]. I thought of God & Christ & of the Holy Ghost of God and my reconciled father – Of Christ & my Redeemer & of the Holy Ghost as [crossed out "my reconciled father"] my sanctifier – “God is slow was immediately in my mind – this little passage tends to excite my whole soul & my affections even immediately drawn out after God – in my mind I traveled up to the throne of God I was wholly overcome & such was the delight of my love for God that it almost frightened me for I did not

PAGE 85know – I was so overpowered what would be the result since that time I have had several in part almost uninterrupted delight in God Last night heard the Professor lecture from these words Numbers 20-12 don’t know that I ever felt the exceeding sinfulness of sin so before 0 while he described the sin of Moses & Aaron & the consequence as well as the holiness of God it seemed as though every word primed my very heart after the Lecture as over I feared & trembled & had it be proper I could hour cryed aloud My soul was filled with an utter abhorrence of

all sin Never before had so great a desire to be from fear it today have had some servant seasons of communion with God. August 19th 1837 Have just returned from my little meeting – only a few present – I addressed them from these words Because that which thy knows God they glorified him not as God &tc Roms 1st 6/1 21] The Lord was with me & seemed to give me utterance – a good impression seemed to be made & I hope the Lord will carry

PAGE 86his own word so far as it was spoken agreeable to his will. I feel that it would be a great grief to me to be prohibited preaching the Gospel of Christ & yet I almost tremble with fear least the sins already committed or which I may yet commit will debar me from that which I should consider an inestimable privilege. O! That he would keep me all the day long in his power least I should go astray20th Sabbath Evening attended meeting this Evening in the African Meetinghouse, about 45 persons present. I addressed the few “yet one think is kneedful” a good impression seemed to be made. The Lord was present at the meeting – scarce ever fate greater pardon in speaking – I invited them to come to Christ who stood with open arms to all returning penitents & in conclusion I urged them by all that is valuable to make now their peace with God – Telling them that life is uncertain death is near & your everlasting all is at stake. This day have been reading Edwards on the affections. I commenced reading it about 2 years ago when it almost drove me into despair & I could not proceed with it. But now I find after granting him all that he asks

PAGE 87and in more I find I have a well grounded hope in Jesus Christ. I read with prayer to God that he would direct me in search of the truth & that he would undeceive me if deceived & this night he has filled me with a desire to live unto him, with his love, with a hatred of sin & has sent his spirit to witness with my spirit that I am born again, yea the more I examine the brighter my evidence of being accepted with God becomes. Praised be his holy name. I can say, through his spirit, with a Job I know that my redeemer birth, and through after my skim would destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: when I shall see for myself and mine eyes shall behold, & not another). I shall be satisfied when I awoke with thy likeness (in the language of the Psalmist) he will guide me by his counsel and afterward receive me to Glory & with Paul I know whom I have believed & am persuaded he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day. I know I have

passed from death unto life because I love the brethren. I believe that full assurance is attainable yea God has granted me prayer in giving it to me I prayed repeatedly to

PAGE 88Him that I might have full assurance – so that I might be the better fitted to do his will –but until his name be all the praise –his spirit his spirit – it has done the work It opened my eyes to see my sins the bad men to cry unto God for deliverance & the Lord answered & heard – Have felt perfectly happy this night except one thing, the thought of committing sin – my greatest desire is to preach Jesus Christ – him crucified to my dying fellow men. O that God would enable me to live to some good purpose – On his grace I am sensible I must rely for aid (I have no strength of my own).August 22nd 1837. What shall I render to my God for all his benefits to me – His loving kindness O! how great daily am I the recipient of his goodness – daily does he manifest himself unto me in the reading & meditating on his word & in the calling of his name by prayer – last night when nearly all the students had retired I walked out in the campus to mediate on myself and God – I thought of God – his greatness – his love in sending Jesus Christ to this guilty and ruined world – O! How great though I must be the evil of sin – if so great a sacrifice had to be given for its pardon – felt a desire to be

PAGE 89free from it, felt to mourn of over my past transgressions & to abhor myself on account of it. I considered the deceitfulness of my heart & felt it to be exceedingly sinful – felt I was a redeemed sinner – though not sanctified but in part. I thought of Heaven as my home of the time when I should depart hence. I contrasted my condition with the condition of a young man who have just before been in my room, under the influence of strong drink – I see stone on earth – no earthly property – he about 40 thousand $. What a difference! What a difference has the providence of God made between us but stop let us look a step farther – I a redeemed sinner – an heir of Glory – a song of the Great & mighty God, who is the king of kings, the Creator & governor of all things & who has promised to me the life that now is & everlasting glory & honour & riches in that world to come – he an heir of hell – a child of the devil – living without hope & without God in the world – all that saves him from dropping into hell is the brittle thread of life & all that sends me from rising to these bright worlds on high is the sun Besides he knows not what true happening is whereas I have joy unspeakable & full of glory often &

PAGE 90always a good hope through Grace that I have a building not made with hands eternal in the heavens What a difference in here though I asked who makes us to differ – grace grace all of grace was the immediate response of my heart. I trembled & adored. Went to my room committed my soul to the keeping of a merciful God and lay me down to rest – my thoughts on God almost forbade my eyes to close, but at length whilst thinking on him I dropped into a sweet sleep – this morning feeling much refreshed

“O how stout a life there to spendIn hope of one that ner shall end”

O that I could persuade my impenitent friends and acquaintances of the blessedness of the religion of Jesus & that I could persuade my Christian friends of the blessings of a life of entire devotion to the service of God – I believe that Christians may obtain assurance – yea God has premised it & commands thee to seek after it – Professors of Religion are apt to think that God pities their imperfections & that he is not angry with them when they sin – a life so black that none but Satan himself could or would have urged it upon them – they should as such seek feeling as they would a viper – a viper it is they are cherishing in their bosoms so long as they thing so & Will eventually sting like the adder & bite like the serpent. O! how I have felt the effects of it in my own soul – Did not God exclude Moses & Aaron from entering the Promised Land for one sin & that what, some would be disposed to call a small one (which is a lie for them in no small sin is the sight of a holy God) has he not ever perished his people for the smallest & transgressors.

Resolved thsi24th day of August in the year 1837To attend to my duties in the following order

1st Take care of the Soul2d Take care of the Body3d Take care of my studies.”

Also Resolved to live in the practice of no known sin and to effect this to guard against the first intrusion of

PAGE 91evil thoughts into my mind for thoughts are the source of action And further to guard against sin Resolved to give due attention to Mediation, Prayer, self-examination and reading the scriptures, God Loves to honor his word in the sanctification of his people. Sensible am

I that the word of God & fervent prayer for the influence of the Holy Spirit upon it, are the principal measures of sanctification – O! How much do Christians lose by neglecting to read the Bible with prayer. Bible the Bible should be the firs book in the hands in the morning & the last at night, & frequently during the day should its sacred pages be turned over. Self Examination by far too much neglected by professors of Religion has been by now Therefore Resolve to examine myself every day as also to mediate on God, on Christ, on the holy Ghost & on the word of God. Have not kept my resolution to converse with my impenitent fellow students – 24th Evening has different my feelings prove what they were this forenoon I was then greatly cast down & could do scarcely anything but confess my sins to God & move on, tho Tuesday morn I fell into known sin & from Tuesday Evening until this evening (Thursday) I have been greatly cast down I kept yesterday a fast & to day only ate the meal

PAGE 92This morning awoke before day light – got up put on my clothes & feeling greatly cast down I went into my closet & prayed in language like the following O good & merciful God from whom all blessing flows if thou hast any mercy in store for me so utterly unworthy as I am – If thy mercy is not clean gone forever – If thou has not forgotten to be gracious & if thou canst be favorable any more to me that has abused all thy mercies & who has forfeited all claim to thy blessing be pleased for their own namesake – be pleased for thy dear souls sake who dyed on the cross to save sinners – ere the chief to have mercy upon thy unworthy worms of the dust – I desire to renew the dedication of myself to thee – here I am I give my hand & heart to thee be pleased to accept the poor dedication of myself to thee - I am earnestly to come to thee but if I stay away from thee where can I go seeing thou alone hast the words of eternal life If thou will not have mercy upon me thou I am utterly reduced [TK] forever destruction & ever lasting ruin are before me but this so did not save to trouble me as much as the thoughts of being eluded

PAGE 93the privilege of loving God – to be shut out from his person seemed unsupportable I also fit a desire that he would remove me by death than let me live to reproach his cause – to night I felt weary with all self examination & with supplicating a mercy seat – stayed from supper – After supper I went out to walk – seeming to have no concern & I do

not know that my mind was occupied on anyone thing – only I mourned an abstract God _ I in my walk passed a cornfield & thought of going alone into it to seek the Lord – but did not – I walked about ¾ of a mile & returned on my way back past the way by the burying ground – I thought I could go in & mediate among the tombs – by this time it was nearly dark I stole away towards the back side of the yard & then what now but the eye of him to whom the darkness & the light are both alike could see & when no ear but that of the great God could hear I kneeled down by the side of a large monument erected to a rich bred impenitent woman & prayed to him who has often heard & answered me in the still dark hour of the night I thanked him that through his distinguished grace & mercy as exercised towards me an unworthy [TK]

PAGE 94I had been spared to him to prepare for death & judgment whilst many had been called away unprepared & whose bodies now lay still in the cold grass to awake at the great resurrection day I think I truly felt gratified to God for his [TK] grace I felt some [TK] of soul & was melted some what into tears as I was also in the morning & frequently when at prayer during the day I came away meditating on the distinguishing Grace of God in sparing on & cutting off another but without any peculiar manifestation of the divine pressure only my mind seemed mere disposed to forget self to think of the character of God about an hour after – without looking in or at that [TK] it the spirit of the Lord seemed to breath greatly upon me- hope reborn – though I seemed unwilling to listen to it at first for fear of deception but it came more & more & I felt myself being overpowered more & more until I felt my soul filled with something that cast out all fear – spread a heavens peace through my whole head & filled me with adoration of the unseen but all loved God – I went immediately

PAGE 95to see my good old Father the President & told him something of my feelings for I Was about afraid by this time my nerves were excited to so great a degree – he conversed with me like a tender father would converse with an only son but I could not account for my feelings altogether but endeavoured to give me what I considered & found profitable advice whilst conversing with him my jaws chattered my nerves trembled & my voice faltered – sin appeared utterly abhorrent to me & my only desire was to be free from it but in fact I had scarcely to think about self Truly God is great & may I learn patience, which I consider (for I dare not doubt it) a wonderful manifestation of his

goodness, to stand in awe & sin not?” I did not seek for emotion & only sought that God would set all my sins before me & that I might in humble childlike sublime to the foot of the cross & has been endeavouring all day to view my sins as committed against God that is that the offence against God was as much greater than that against myself or against any other that I ought to forget all [TK] to think of having offended him the holy being

PAGE 9629th 1837 August. Have enjoyed the light of Gods countenance ever since I last wrote in my diary until to day noon – Fell into sin – plan of conscience & joy in the Holy Ghost fled – have felt this after noon & evening as though all my bones were out of joint – spent a part the After noon in groaning which could not be uttered – have done but little except [only TK] a throw of grace & examine myself by the word of God- O! that I could overcome sin that I could live above the world. Alas! I resolve & resolve & still find myself but under bondage------O! God the father God the Son & god the Holy Ghost – 3 persons but 1 God, the mighty maker of the heavens & Earth “Who sittest upon the throne of thy holiness –when brightness is so great that no mortal eye can behold thee & live – who holdest the destinies of all men in thy ands – who needest but to speak & the whole universe trembles & quakes – the center of all perfection – the source of all bliss –King of Kings & Cold of Lord in whom I live & move & have my being – my reconciled father

PAGE 97My Redeemer who did suspend thy glory for a [TK] to come into the lower world to suffer & die the ignominious death of the Cross – who didst lye in the cold grave but who didst burst the bars of death & didst glorious triumph over hell, death & the grace, who didst ascend on high leading captives, captives, & procuring gifts for me – May I ever love thee & deserve thee with a willing mind – O! Adorable 3d person of the trinity my regenerator, my sanctifier, & who must perform all my work in me without whose influence to soften renew & [TK] my heart in vain [TK] read the Bible, mediate or pray. May I never give them but always filled to thy drawing.

September 1st 1837 O God Most high! Thy lovely chief of all my joys! Thou gives of life, light, liberty & of course attendant blessings: thou devotes in light inaccessible & full of glory unto whom no man can approach & live may I ever cherish a reverence for thee & thy word – May I delight in thee & cultivate a sweet & holy communion with thee

in heaven & with thy saints on earth – may I have a respect for all the ordinances ---

PAGE 98O precious Saviour! How amiable thou art. Thou art lovely beyond description – beautiful to look upon – fair to behold – when shall such happiness be found as I have found in thee – Verily thy yoke is easy & thy burden is light – Thy ways are [TK] ways & all thy paths are peace and may I take thee as my guide, protection, support, & my example for imitation & do thou keep me under the shadow of the wings so that I may be protected from all danger & may be enabled to walk safely through this wilderness.

O My Sanctifier! I cannot advance one step towards sanctification without thy immediate aid: thou must perform all my works in thou I have no help of my own & may I cherish a teachable disposition in regard to revealed truth as well as an entire dependence on the support & directionSept 20 1837O’ most high & holy one! Thou art happy in & of thy self & recedes not tho the poor homage of my heart to add to thy felicity: It is all of thy infinite conduction that I am permitted to love, serve & adore thee, thou needest not my prayers, but have

PAGE 99appointed prayer in order that I may feel how utterly dependant I am on thy good will & pleasure for all my mercies. I thank thee that thou hast given thy dear son to die for sinners & that with him thou canst freely give us all things & do thou be pleased in thy infinite mercy to blot out all my transgressions as well as to create in my own dear heart to renew in me a right spirit & to thy great & holy name be all thee praise forever. Amen

Blessed Jesus what delicious fateHow sweet thine entertainments areNever did Angels taste aboveRedeeming grace & dying love

O how could my soul bear to hear the sound depart – Depart from thee – tis Death tis must – Ties endless ruin – deep despair

Low at thy feet my soul would lieHere safety dwells & peace divine

Still let me live beneath their eyeFor life Eternal life is thine

O insulted Spirit! How often have I grieved thee – to depart from my bosom! How often have I said to thee go thy way for thee asks I have a more convenient season – Divine call for thee. Alas it is all of the mercy that thou has not left me – saying let him alone he is joined unto his Idols

Return o Holy dove returnI hate the sins that draw [TK]

September 3, 1837Hoy Father, ‘Thou didst so love the world as to give thy only son to die that whosoever believe thou on high might not perish might have everlasting life. [TK] is love not that we loved God but that he loved us & gave his son to die for us. ‘Behold what manner of love the faith hath best loved upon us that we should be called the sons of God! And again beloved now are we the sons of God & it doth not yet appear what we shall be but we know that when he shall appear we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is having

PAGE 100having this hope within me may I purify myself [in] as he is pure; for every one that hath this hope within himself purifyeth ever as he is pure. Precious Redeemer thou didst deliver up thy body a willing sacrifice to atone for sin, yea for my sin, had there been no other person on the earth, thou must have died else I must have endeavored the torment of hell forever & ever “in the fullness of time ere when all things were now ready thou didst come into this lower world – didst suffer the most cruel torments that the wrath of God required against guilty man thou wast spit upon, wast smote with the hand, thou was reviled. Thou was a [TK] entreated of. Thou didst trade the wine press alone & didst drink the dregs of the cup of the father’s wrath, but now dear Savior thou art exalted on high & he hath given thee a name that is above my name in heaven or that is upon earth, that at the name of Jesus Every knee should bow and every tongue should [TK] both of things we hear & things upon earth. Thou art exalted far above all principalities & powers & angels

PAGE 101& men. Who brings the brightness of his glory, and the express image of his person, and upholding all things by the word of his power, when he has by himself purged every our sins, sat down at the right of the

Majesty on high; Being made so much better than the angels, as he hath by inheritance obtained a more excellent name than they. For unto which of the angels said he at any time. Thou art my son. This day have I begotten thee: and again I will be to him a father& he shall be to me a son? And again when he bringeth in the first begotten into the world, he saith & let all the Angels of God worship him, And of the angels his saith who mistaketh his angels spirits & his ministers a flame of fire. But note the son he saith Thy Throne. O God, is forever & ever: a scepter of righteousness in the scepter of the kingdom; Thou has loved righteousness and hated iniquity Therefore God ere thy God hath anointed thee with the oil of gladness above thy fellows. And thou Lord in the beginning has laid the foundation of

PAGE 102the earth; and the heavens are the works of thy hands. Thy shall perish but thou remains; and thy shall wax old as doth a garment; And as a [TK] shall then fold them up, and thy shall be changed, but thou art the same & thy years shall not fail. But to which of his angels said he at any time. I’d on my right have until I make thee enemies thy footstool? This day have celebrated the Lords Supper. O how refreshing to my soul, to set as the table of the redeemer to take his broken body & drink his shed blood to commune with his saints on earth in joyful anticipation of drinking anew the cup in the city of the new Jerusalem, with saints & angels with all the holy band of masters. My meditations to day have been sweet. God the father, God the servt, God the holy Ghost frequently possessed my mind. Feelings have been more ardent than to day, but never to [TK]. The Savior seemed to be present at the feast. My Soul & the Souls of many of God’s people were melted into tears whilst Christ crucified was dwelt upon by the minister. My soul was drawn out in love to God, to his cause, his people & I can but say

PAGE 103I had faith to feed upon his body & shed blood Christ seemed to own me as his and at times I was perfectly happy – I prayed that God would pour out his spirit upon this college, upon my impenitent friends & acquaintance & that he would baptize with the holy Ghost all that loved him. I don’t think I ever enjoyed such pure, elevated happiness before. My soul seemed to think it could not loose the relish all my days, but soon alas! How soon sire viper like steals upon my affections & my soul is hot from [TK] top into the [TK].

“Oh could I find some peaceful lover, When sin has neither place nor power:

This traitor vile I fain could shew,But cannot from his person run.

When to the throw of grace I flee, He stands between my God & me; Wherever I rover, wherever I rest, I feel him cooking in my best.

PAGE 104When I attempt to soar above,To view the heights of Jesus love; This monster seems to mount the skiesAnd veils his glory from my eyes

Lord free me from this deadly fee,Which keeps my faith, and hope so loss;I long to dwell in heaven my homeWhere not one sinful thought can come.”Robert Wood Sawyer, September 3d 1837

Heavenly Parent “the heavens declare thy glory & the firmament show forth thy hardy works, day unto day uttereth speech & night unto night sheweth forth knowledge? Thou art my nearest & best friend in whom very soul delighteth & from wherever I derive all my temporal as well as spiritual enjoyment. What shall I undertake thee for all thy benefit. Thou hast been good to me. Thou hast exercised love & mercy, times & ways with out number towards thy fallen creatures. Praised by thy hoy name O my God.

PAGE 105Blessed Saviour; “Thou art the chiefest among ten thousand & the one altogether lovely; thy didst say to my soul yesterday eat & find drink O beloved: I did not my heart rejoice when thy broken body & shed blood else set forth in the [TK] of the bird and wine. Dear Redeemer thy body & blood are upon me & I cannot go back. O may I never design to go back but to thou grant me grace to keep me in all thy ways blankness.

Holy GhostBreath on my soul of thy gentle influence; like the morning dew on the refreshing shower on the new morrow grass. O course in His still small voice or if it please thee come like a rushing mighty wind.

My Dear God I have offended against thee this day. I have not used this world as not abusing it nor have I had an eye single to thy glory.

Alas! I have greatly offended against thee & thou wouldst be just in cutting me off from all hope and in

PAGE 106concerning since my plan with the hypocrite & with the unbeliever in that place of torment where there is no hope. I am constrained to admire thy lovely suffering goodness & gracious forbearance as if [TK] towards we are unworthy hell deserving creature. Against thee & thee only have I sinned, but though I am guilty thou art Good & thou hast provided a way whereby thou canst be just & the justifyer of all who come unto thee through him. I come to thee in his name & through his merits & desire to lie low at thy feet & to ask thy forgiveness an account f what Christ has done & suffered. Praised be thy holy name that I have an advocate with thee come Jesus Christ the Righteousness, That thou are still the service & that thy companion fail not. Thou art holy, highly exalted, sitting upon the throne of thy holiness. External in the heavens. Thou holdest the destinies of all men in thy hands. With thee is the foundation of life, light, liberty, & peace. Thou art holy & happy in & of thy self & needest it not the poor offering I bring to add to thy felicity. Often has thou refreshed me with the smiles of

PAGE 107thy presence but o how poor & how few returns I have made thee. My Reputation in comparison of what I should have been has been nothing at all. My love in its highest likeness have been infinitely short of time in sending thy son into this lower world. O how little I have mourned for since because of it being against thee! And can at this moment, whilst attempting to confess to other, when my soul should be melted into tears, how very hard is my heart! Alas! For my wicked heart I fear I never shall get it right in thy sights. O! Do thou come & quicken me that I may run willingly after thee & may make suitable progress in the divine life. For certain am I that I must be saved by you – if saved at all. Thou hast the power & needest but to speak the word & it is done. The work is all thine own. Thou must perform all my works in me I have power to depart from but have not strength to return unto thee. Giving doth not impoverish thee nor withholding [TK] thee.

PAGE 108Dear Redeemer thou art elated on high, for above all thrones & dominions, principalities & powers, men & angels. Thy throne is ten thousand times ten thousand & thousands of thousands of thousands

brighter than before thou didst come on the Earth. The suffering & the disgrace which thou didst made go unto upon the earth have greatly increased thy honour & happiness now thou art seated on high. September 5th 1837

Most high Y& holy God will thou not come into my heart this morning? Will thou not expel from within all with which thou canst not dwell? I desire to draw nigh to thee; to make a near approach into the most holy presence & to consult thee in spirit in truth. But how can I perform so great a work without thy help. Thou must perform all my works within me! Thou must begin carry on & complete them; for without thee I cannot do any thing, not come the last towards my soul’s salvation. But alas! For my depraved heart. This truth so clearly set forth on the page of Relevation & which I propose to believe,

PAGE 109Does not affect my heart. O that thou wouldst come & impress it fully there that I may feel an entire dependence upon thee, every step I take. Though I have given credit to it & have had it clearly demonstrated to me from my own experiences yet so great is my inconsistency that I attempt to walk alone & seldom feel that entire dependency upon tho I should

Blessed by thy great & holy name I trust thee hast begun a good work in my heart: & I can & not pled thy promise that thou will carry it on! Hast thou not said that thou wilt past that which thou hast begun. I would not desire the day of small things. I give thanks to thee for what thou hast done. Thou hast performed a great & good work for me & for this to thy name be all thanks: I praise thy great & holy name that when I was in the broad road to eternal death thou didst send thy spirit to constrain me to come in & that thou didst appear in my relief at a time when I had given up all hope. For this I would call upon all the faculties of some &

PAGE 110body to give thanks unto him that birth & originith on high; God over all blessed forever & ever Amen. Worthy art thou to receive my highest Praise: to receive my earnest love thou hast a right to all that I have & answer thou hast made Personal & Regimented [TK]. The Heavens are thine; The Earth is also Thine; Thou hast made them Thou didst make man after their own image & for thine own Glory was he created. Thou art pure Everlasting to Everlasting God that made the world: Thy Providence Ruleth over all; Ere the highest Seraph is here could not exist a single moment without thee Thou also dost take care of the lowest reptile on the earth: Thou art mighty to save & able to Redeem

ever unto the uttermost: Thou knowst how to deliver the righteousness from temptation: Dear Redeemer thou knowest what some temptations mean – for thou hast felt the same: Thou wast also tempted when thou was upon the Earth & didst overcome consequently thou art able to give support to all who are tempted.

PAGE 111Gods attributes are; Almighty, [TK], [TK], Omnipresent.---The Attributes of God are Omnipotence, Omnipresence, Omniscience. These are the natural attributes of God. His moral attributes are Mercy. Forbearance, love, Righteousness, Etc.

Omnipresence: Thou art an every where present God. Awake, asleep at home, abroad & I am still in thy presence. When I lie down thou seist me. When I rise up thou seist me. When I go out shall seist me. When I come in thou seist me. When I walk or stand, sit or ordain thou seist me. When I read or write, Study this or that [TK], thou seist me. May I ever keep this in mind.Omnipotence. All powerful nothing is impossible with God thou art able to create & to destroy to kill & make alive. To cast down & to build up. Thou art the creator of all things. God that made the world & all the things that are [TK]. Thou art the fountain of life, The author of salvation The God & Father of the Lord Jesus Christ is such a God as this my friend why thy

PAGE 112Should I fear or of what should I be afraid, since my meanest and dearest friends is all mighty &c Thou art a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. Why art thou cast down Oh How my soul & why art thou disquieted within: hope throw in God for I shall yet praise him who is my help, my life, my all. Trust in the Lord with all thy head & bear not unto thine own understanding Cursed is the man that putteth confidence in our arms of flesh or that maketh any thing his hope or trust except the Living God. The Almighty God.

Omniscience: O my God the past, present, & the future are all alike to thee; thou dost comprehend all thy works from beginning to the end. Thou dost Remember very act which I have done in all my life long, and wilt loving every thing whether It be good or both into judgment against me. At that last great day, when all the slumbering dead shall awake at the dread table of the judgment bell & shall come forth at the echo of the trump of God to

PAGE 113take their solemn stand before the bar of the mighty & inexorable judge who will there be clothed with awful pomp & magnificent splender having on the stern garb of eternal justice & before his bar in large italics written, that every one may behold as they approach, To Every One according to his deeds. The books of God’s everlasting remembrance will be opened & every art that has ever been committed on that earth will there be read out to the astonishment of me and all present. When will all my secret sins that I have ever committed, [TK] of which may now be forgotten & all together entrusted of by men, be made known then those things which I would not desire my neighbors to know & which I now in too many instances conceal from my marked friends will all be read out in the presence of neighbors & friends & in the presence of all the saints (for thy acts sit in judgment with Christ after thy have been examined and have received the welcome plaudit well done good & faithful friend).PAGE 114[TK] enter thou unto the joy of thy Lord) and how I would remark O what an honor will this be, to sit in thou great august assembly & not only to be mere spectators, but even to vote in the discussion of the various cases which may come before thee. WE are apt to think it an honour to be invited to discuss with the wealthy & and the learned even in this little lower world and much more so would we consider it a mark of distinction if ever one of us should be appointed to sit on the judges bench with some 2 or 3 of our fellow mortals to decide some poor unfortunate mean case who it may be has been charged with theft or with other trifling of fame or even surprising the individual under conviction of murder we who were appointed to pass sentence on his case would be looked upon as his highly distinguished above our fellows. But what is the sentence which poor feeble men pronounced who compared to that sentence which will be pronounced at the judgment of the great day by him who will be clothed with awful terror to his enemies.

PAGE 115It is true the judge may sustain the criminal act the human tribunal to be hanged by the need until he is dead but what is this sentence when composed with thee sentence of eternal death. Here thou is generally some considerable time allowed between the time of condemnation of execution for the purpose of Repentance. & always some time at least as much as the thief on the cross had allowed him. But as the true fall so it must lie. As death leaves us so judgment will find us. And besides

then near be pardon in the ease of the former. He may be let go forever after he is consumed but then there is no repeal. The whole trial is conducted by him who cannot err & by him who will reach to each of their due this being the case there is no repeal. When the sentences are passed it is forever fixed. The person who is then found not having on the guarantee of salvation (which I take to be the righteousness of Jesus Christ) will then be endeavored to drag out an eternal

PAGE 116existence in hell, no sooner is the sentence pronounced than Satan & his angels who always stand ready drag him down into the pit of black despair, where the worm dieth not & the fire is not quenched & where they cease not to cry day & night. How long! How long, how long. Must we endure these torments & when the smoke of their torments accursed up forever & ere & where there is weeping & wailing & gnashing of teeth then they will be confined in chains forged by their own hands. Where upon the Earth Alas! Alas! Little do the impenitent think that every day they live in impenitency is rendering the awful probability, more & more certain & their going to this & that every wicked deed they do is but another link in that chain which is to confine them in the gloom dungeon of despair. Well may horror seize the man who thinks himself in the confines of eternity & who is without a preparative for death------O Lord thou art a God of trust & cannot lie. Thou hast won by thyself to fulfill the word; and thou couldst not swear by a [TK], but also how unwilling have I been to

PAGE 117give full credit to call that know had said unbelief ahs been my crying sin: It is the source of all sin & had I been guilty of no other I should deserve everlasting banishment from thy presence & to be shut up in that gulph of black despair when there is weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. For I have disbelieved that the God of truths & whose very nature is opposed to all deception. When thou hast said come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give &c I have regarded it as applying to some other person & have too oft indulged a secret feeling that I must make myself better before I could lay hold of it as mine. Alas! That I should be so willing to believe Satan and so ready to disbelieve God – Satan is a liar from the beginning and he tempted but to deceive and when he has drawn into the [TK]

departure from right he often times magnifies it as a great sin & tells them is no hope he is continually either filling with pride and self confidence or else with despair, which is equally injurious to the growth of piety. O Lord will they

PAGE 118not give me the visitor over my own heart and him. Thou art able for them didst conquer when there was upon the Earth. Where needest but to speak the word and I am liberated, set forth and made to rejoice with joy unspeakable & full of Glory. Wilt thou not say let it be done I know it will be accomplished if thou canst. All mumbling is sin against a holy God whose judgments are according to truth. Despondency is but a refined way of giving God the lie. Pride is hateful in his right. For it he expelled the angels of heaven. Self confidence is the height of folly & I might say of madness. For when is there a more contemptible hell desiring object than a worm of the dust who rises up in opposition to the truth of a holy God and says all these things have my own hands gotten up and effects to stand alone who God has expressly said without me you can do nothing

Sin is any want of conformity to or transgression of the law of God, Sin caused our First parents to be expelled the garden of Paradise. Sin is the cause of all sorrow & pain that then is in the world. Sin has produced wretchedness & [TK]

PAGE 119upon the whole human family. God so ordained in the establishment and arrangement of his government that obedience is cemented with happiness whilst disobedience is inseparable from misery. The reason why man is unhappy at all is because he disobeys the command of God. That is other things being considered. WE see some persons that are to all appearances placed under difficult circumstances. Thy may be poor, may be afflicted in person, may be deprived of friends, and in various ways oppressed & yet thy appear always happy. God no doubt does at times afflict his people, for the purpose of trying their faith & to prepare them for some special purpose he has in view of them, some arduous duties he may wish them to perform it for which duties they would be inadequate did they not pass through this prime disciplines; but were all the cases in which he afflicts his people for their sins; separated from those afflictions which he sends upon them to try their faith we believe they would bow the number quite small. How often! How very often does God have to afflict his people for their sins

PAGE 120

How often does he have to express himself in language like the following. O house of Israel1 Turn from your Evil ways. How long, O how long! Will my people forget me. How long! Will they, turn their backs upon me. When, will they learnt o think on me Their Creator & Redeemer? “Hear, or heavens, and give me, O Earth: for the Lord hath spoken I have nourished and brought up children, but they have rebelled against me The ox knoweth his owner & the ass his masters crib; but Israel doth not know, my people doth not consider. Ah sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, a seed of evil doers, children that are corrupted. They have forsaken the Lord, They have provoked the Holy One of Israel into anger; they are gone away backward. Why should ye be stricken any more? Ye will revolt more & more the whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint.

O God the author & preserver of life, the God & father of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ the God of the Bible & of the Sabbath day, this is the day: It is an high & holy day – a day one which tho wilt be worshipped awarding to thy [TK] [TK]

PAGE 121This day commemorates the Resurrection of the Redeemer of lost men. Thou hast commanded to Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy unto the End. On this day I should sit a guard over my thoughts my words & my actions. O how much sin is committed in thought. Thou has made great & precious promise to the right observation of the day. Thou didst not from all thy works when thy hadst finished them. Thereby setting up thy subjects; an example to do in like manner draw off my mind this morning from Earthly & [TK] things to contemplate what thou has prepared for them that love thee as well as the lovely character------------------Dear Redeemer this day commemorates thy resurrection from the dead. On this day thou didst rise. I thank thee for it; that thou didst burst the bars of death: that thou has in this respect left on record [crossed out: an example] proof that I also shall rise. O had thy spirit due to write thy holy law upon my hard.

PAGE 122Gratitude for [TK] Mercy. “I bless a thousand times the happy day when first a learn of hands light broke in upon my soul, when the day star from on high visited me & the celestial tight began to dawn I welcomed its cheerful lustre and felt the sacred [TK]; the flames of holy love awoke, and holy joys were kindled. But just before my heart was as hard as an [TK]: now in the bare majesties of the name of him whom my soul loved was enough to excite a song of praise & a tribute

of thanksgiving before I could love nothing but me all my springs of affection of joy of gratitude & of praise seemed to be dried up O Lord my God I thank thee that I was not born in a heath land, that I have ere been permitted to hear of a savior, of a plea of salvation, of a day of judgment of an Eternity of happiness & of misery & I pray that thou wilt enable to me to [TK] thee and to [TK] to obtain the other. October 11th 1837 For 2 weeks I have had almost uninterrupted enjoyment in the love of God Every day has been like a Sabbath. Every day & almost every hour I have experienced a love that has cast out all fear Bless the Lord O my soul in all that is

PAGE 123within me bless his holy name for he is greatly to be praised – I have had the the privilege of association with the godly those who are endeavouring to live the lifes of the Righteousness: I have been permitted to converse with the anxious: with the impenitent & with young Christians. Bless the Lord I have precious & [TK] enjoyment-----Nov 14 1837 Princeton CollegeHad a most precious time during the vacation enjoyed a sweet relish of divine things from day to day for 6 weeks in succession attended Meeting the latter part of the vacation 8 nights in succession. The coming session I case all my dependance on God. From him cometh all my help. I would desire to trust in God with all my heart & not to leave to my own understanding in order that my ways may become established Lord Guide me by thy unerring wisdom & council when I go astray do there afflict me & bring me to accept of thee as my all------------

PAGE 124Nov 24 1837 For several days past have found my mind too much placed on the things of Earth have felt at times almost afraid that God would follow me with his swift judgment as others have felt a sweet peace & love that cast out all fear O! How sweet when burdened down with sin & the sorrows & the cares of this life; to cast all on Jesus Christ. Have found much comfort in meditating on that admissible passage of holy writ come unto me all ye that labor & are heavy laden & I will give you rest: O! When shall I gain the entire victory of fear my own heart & world & sin & Satan: Lord do thou, who alone art able to afford relief send deliverance to me thy unworthy worm. I am truly unworthy of any of thy favours. I deserve nothing from thee but thy wrath & indignation but I thank thee that I have an advocate with the Father ere Jesus Christ the righteousness. I thank thee that though I am unworthy Christ is worth That thou art always well pleased in his

name. I would always come to the [TK] his name & thorough his merits. I would be

PAGE 125having on his righteousness: clothed in the white robe of his righteousness – O1 Glorious redeemer keep me always in thy fear & make me to do thy will in all things make me holy in heart & in life, make me to grow in Grace & in the knowledge of Jesus Christ my savior & RedeemerDecember 9th 1837 Have had many severe trials since I last wrote in my diary Sometimes having to pass through the deep waters that seem almost to overwhelm me. But with all no day has passed without my having more or less of the spirit of Prayer – Sometimes my soul has been filled full of divine love. Have had astonishing views of my depravity. Have been led to see more of my own weakness as well as my vileness & utter worthlessness. Often has my soul cryed unto God for deliverance – for the entire Victory. Have been afflicted for 2 days so that I have been unable to attend recitation but I hope that my affliction has been sanctified to me & that it will eventually turn out for the Glory of God, my own soul sanctification my mutual & [TK] service here

PAGE 126& eventually for a seat of his right hand where sin & sorrow will not longer invade when the wickedness shall cease from troubling & where any weary & [TK} shall rest quietly in the bosom of my God Bless the Lord O my soul and all that is within me bless his holy name. O that men would praise the Lord for his goodness & for his wonderful works unto the children of men. Bless the Lord O my soul that I have full assurances of faith that I can say with full confidence I know that my redeemers liveth & that I shall at last be gathered with his saint. Glorious hope I would not exchange thee for ten thousand worlds like this.

When I can read my little clear, To Mansions in the SkiesI’ll bid farewell toe very fearAnd wipe my weeping eyes

“And lest I should be exalted above measure though the abundance of the relevations There was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan, to [TK] me, but I should be exalted above measure. This verse has afforded me much consolation in this affliction & I hope that I feel

PAGE 127disposed to say they will be done, in all things, o my God. I have felt, at times indifferent as to what might be sent upon me only so that I reproach not the cause of ChristDec 10th Sabbath O what inexpressible delight I have enjoyed this morning. O! What ineffable bliss I feel within my soul to day Verily I have found pure happy experience that it is possible to enjoy Religion in College The Showers of divine love descend upon me from day to day my soul exalts in God & triumphs in him I relish nothing so much as the word of God & prayer Jesus Christ the sense & [TK] of the Bible is becoming more & more precious to me. AS I learn more about his character I see more excellence in it. Who would not desire to be a believer in Jesus did thy know of his worth, of the blessedness of the man whose sins are forgiven & whose [TK] are covered O to be more like Christ! to have more of his divine image stamped on my heart; to have more of his humility, more of his love for lost man, more of his resignation to the

PAGE 128will of God: more of his Zeal for the honour & Glory of God. All excellencies are combined in the Character of Jesus Christ. Have felt a strong desire this morning to be confirmed to the precepts of God’s most holy word. Have felt this morning a strong desire to be prepared to good. Eminent holiness of that appears to me the greatest wisdom with which to do good. Learning is excellent & to some extent indispensable to do good but unless learning is combined with true piety It will only be a curse to its possessors, a curse to that with whom he associates, a curse to the world The Candidate for the holy ministry should study & pray & pray & study until he becomes thoroughly furnished into every good work; a workman that kneedeth not to be shamed rightly dividing the word of truth. Sabbath morning. This has been a blessed day to my soul. I have made another Sabbath days journey to towards the heavenly Canaan. My soul has been in the spirit to day. It has been sweet to read Gods holy word; to call on him in prayer; to sing his praises & to mediate on him on Jesus Christ & on Him. Have felt to day free from all fear, have had a firm confidence in

PAGE 129God & in the promises of his holy word.

How sweet a Sabbath thus to spendIn hope of one thee more shall end

Dec 12th 1837 2 more days of my short existence have gone, and I am thus much nearer to my home: These 2 days have been precious days to my soul: God has granted to me to take his love & to experience the joy of pardoned sin. Conversed with me both in College on practicable Godliness. The conversation seemed to do his soul good & I felt the love of God kindle up in my soul whilst conversing with him. This morning visited the 2 [TKTK] found their conversation profitable indeed. How blessed it is to converse about those things we love! How will heaven be when we shall sit & sing along ourselves to everlasting bliss

O glorious hour! O blest abode!When shall I wake & find me there.

My soul longs to be gone. I would gladly hail the hour that shall bring my release. I know that my redeemer liveth & that to me to die will be great [TK] to deport to be with Christ would be far better to me & yet it is more kneedful that I remain in the flesh

PAGE 130O my God I desire to do thy will. I would not be impatient, but would quietly wait my appointed time. Thy will is always the best, & to resist it would be to bring upon my misery. Heretofore I have had an ardent desire to live long to Preachy thy Gospel & to be made the instrument in thy hand to bring many souls to Jesus Christ but I fear that my motives may not be good. I would therefore leave all with you If thou dost see fit to put me into the ministry most gladly would I enter upon it as soon as Ever I shall be ready. I am their & not my own. I belong to thee I have been redeemed by the previous price of the blood of Jesus Christ. I have covenanted to be thine & thine alone. O Seal me from thy courts above seal me to thyself else I shall depart from thee.13th Arose this morning before day light. Spent about ¾ of an hour in secret prayer. Engaged a spirit of prayer for the college, especially for the professors of religion in the closet. To day have worked in the light of God’s countenance & have found all tings to go well All things prosper when the soul is in prosperity. Seek ye first the kingdom of God & his righteousness & all things shall be added unto you. This is indeed true----

PAGE 131O God! Thou art my reconciled Father. In thee I live, more 7 have my being. From thee I derived my existence & thou dost keep me in existence. 15th Rose this morning before day light. Washed myself & had a season of prayer had a spirit of prayer & felt a love for God & desire things that cast out all fear. My soul has been in continual peace

to day. I believe God has answered my prayers in giving me [TK] faith. I believe I am growing from day to today in conformity to the divine law that law which is holy just & good, a pattern of its Author O how precious is divine things to my soul. I relish them with all my heart 25 December 1837 Monday Remarked Sabbath Morning at the prayer meeting and conversed with an impenitent young mon on his souls salvation was received with kindness. To day conversed with a man in the Printing Office on the same subject he told me Printers had to tell too many lies to think about Religion. I told him I did not thin kit necessary that they should be guilty of such a wicked practice and remarked to him that Printers most of any class of men except

PAGE 132ministers influenced the Public mind and that it was a very important that they should be men of correct Principles & feeling. He acknowledged the importance of it. But said he knew of but very few except infidels that belonged to that class. I said to him this does not alter yours and my condition in the least. Said he I know that and in conclusion I said to him in a very mild but serious tone, my friend: you have admitted to me that the Religion of Christ is the most important subject that can engaged the attention of mortal man: and that the longer you defer repentance the less you think about your souls everlasting salvation and that you find your ruined harder now that it was a number of years ago: and that you intend to give your attention to the subject here time or other and that you have no intention of [TK] Now I ask you what you are likely to gain by addressing it to a more conversant season I want you in view of all that you have said: what it is now your duty to do. You know sir as well as I that death of uncertain and

PAGE 133at the farthest cant be far off. And in conclusion I said make the Lord your friend and you will then be fitted to enjoy this life and will be prepared for death ere though it come suddenly. Friday 29th I conversed with an impatient student about his souls salvation; he was very willing to listen to me and his actions, thou he did not say so in words, seem to say I thank you. I invited him to my room and had a season of prayer with him. Saturday Evening. Attending my African Prayer Meeting in my accustomed place: had a delightful time The spirit of the Lord was with me and helped me: After meeting felt that I must visit and pray with some of of instructors: called at Professor McCleve but he not being at home I went to see Mr. Tod and said to him when the fear of the Lord is there is Liberty I have

come to pray with you: said he I am very happy to engage with you in so delightful a duty

PAGE 134he led in prayer and I followed;

To day is the Sabbath and is the last day of the year. O! how much of God have I enjoyed during the past year as well as on this day: I can truly say that I have been in the spirit on this day. In my private devotions, this morning, in the Memorial Prayer meeting, at Church and at bible class this Afternoon the Lord was present to my soul, and this Evening I feel almost disputed to say Lord I tis enough. I am truly weary of love. Truly Goodness and mercy have followed me this whole year. This little book contains some of the dealing sof God towards me this year; but I had time and fate to disposed: I am certain I could not find language to express all that God has done for me my soul during this past year. I have committed, O! how much sin! My guilt at times at least has turned to the skin and has called for vengeance as loud as thunder, but thanks be to God the blood of Jesus Christ cleared from all sin and though I have

PAGE 135often during the past year felt myself burdened down with a sense of guilt; to night I feel the joy of Pardoned sin. During the coming year I desire to live not unto myself; but unto him who has brought me by the shedding of his own precious blood. I desire to do much Good, this year to my fellow Students, to my friends and acquaintance. In a word I desire to be filled with the spirit so that wherever I go I duly always abound in the work of the Lord for as much as I do know, not only from the word of God, which is infallible, but I have learned from happy experience that my labour in Lord is not in vain. I desire to make great progress in the word of God and in my studies. O that I may be well fitted to preach the Gospel. Lord help me to do thy will and I pray that I may not desire more than to perfect that, Thy law is holy just and good and my happiness is identified with the spread of thy Gospel help me to feel this more and more.

PAGE 1361838 Jan. 7th Sabbath. “This has been a high day to my soul. The Lord was present in his temple unto me & filled me with his love. The word was spirit and life, and I received the truth in the love if it while it melted my heart into love to Jesus, who had as the good shepherd, searched me out, and reclaimed me from my wanderings. How often

has he led me into green pastures and made me lie down beside the still waters! Celebrate the Lords Supper to day. Never before had such feelings in Church though t I should certainly have to leave the Church. It seemed as if poor nature could not endure it I appeared to myself like 1 solid mass of love to God & love to man O1 thought I if this is but an autrepost, what must Heaven be in reality. I again committed all my utmost for time and eternity into the hands of the Lord and my heart cryed Lord seal me from the courts above baptize anew with thy spirit. O! give me grace to enable me to live more [TK] to thy glory. Lord keep under the shadow of thy wind and in the hollow of

PAGE 137thy hand. Earnestly sought thee Lord for strength against my besetting sins: for grace to live more entirely to his glory: for the sanctification of my own soul and the souls of my friends and acquaintances for an outpouring of the holy spirit in this place, even in this College, in other Colleges, for a revival of religion in the Church to which I belong, in the Neighboring Churches, in that my heart seemed to go out after the [TK] the world to God. This day has been full of Heaven. O that we would praise the Lord for his goodness unto the Children of men….Sabbath Evening: Jan. 20th 1838The past week ahs passed away pleasantly and profitability. Have had an increased [TK} be well qualified for the ministry. Last Evening attended Prayer Meeting at Queenstown; had an interesting Meeting: at the Meeting received a notice from a young woman that was in great trouble of mind

PAGE 138wishing me to call and see her: I did so and found her in a miserable state, writhing under the agonies of despair. She had been a professor of religion for several years but had got very far astray so that now she was afraid God could not considerably forgive her. I after conversing with her a short time prayed with her. Then I sang with her, her father & mother and sister all being present and joining in singing. I joined in prayer a second time; her sister followed after her father and next her mother Prayed. We then sang again and conversed on Christian experience. I then prayed a third time and asked the young woman to follow, she did so after which her sister prayed a second time, I felt a great freedom to call on God [TK], time and the spirit of the Lord I seemed to be evidently president, Came away with my soul filled with that love that casts out all fear and this day has passed away pleasantly and profitably. Attended the Prayer meeting this morning the Professor remarked to

PAGE 139me on Prophecy; seemed to be much engaged and urged us to study the scriptures to ascertain the will of God and not to be discouraged at the difficulties in understanding prophecy since it was the will of God that they should be studied. I was peculiarly profited by his remarks. After meeting came to my room and studied my bible lesson until Church time 11.0. Went to Church and was very much interested in the sermon. The President Preached to us from Dan. 6.10 Describing to us the Characters of David the Circumstances under which he was placed. His conduct when the King Darius had signed the decree and the consequences of his conduct. Ate my Dinner at 1. At ½ 3.0 attended Bible Class after which attended the Prayer Meeting of my Class and this Evening attended Prayer Meeting in the African Church and conducted the meeting a Good number were present

PAGE 140There have been times when I have felt some what disposed to under value study in my preparation for the ministry. At those sessions of peculiar Religious enjoyment, when I have felt myself overpowered with the love of God It has appeared to me that I kneeded but little learning to preach if I could only have the spirit of God with me But I now with humility confess my error and pray God to pardon all my weaknesses and to grant me grace in time to come to receive my own wisdom to be guided entirely of the Lord. My motto must, by the grace of God, henceforward be “Study without Prayer is Atheism and Prayer without Study is [TK]. Study and Prayers must now be the business of my life until I am thoroughly prepared for the Ministry and May the Good Lord in infinite Mercy Grant me grace to fulfill all his will. May I be ennobled to die daily unto sin and to live unto righteousness

Princeton N Hall

PAGE 141Tuesday 23d January 1838 I got up this morning about half after 6.0, washed myself & had a season of prayer, before attending Prayers in the Chapel, Engaged a spirit of prayer After Prayers in the Chapel, came to my room, made up my bed, and after preparing for breakfast read in Paleys moral Philosophy. After Breakfast went to the Post Office and got a letter from my brother Benjamin, walked about a mile for exercise and returned to my room and read the letter. In it he expressed a great desire to see me and that I would not forget to pray

for him, told me that he did not feel fully satisfied that he had found the Saviour, and that he looked to the savior believing that his grace was all sufficient. On one side of the sheet his dear companion wrote me a beautiful letter stating that she enjoyed herself better than when I was at her house and that they read the works I left them with a great deal of satisfaction. Attended Professor Gary’s Lecture on Nat. Phil. Took notes on the Lecture. After the Lecture

PAGE 142was over I went to walk, and then returned to my room, had a short season of Prayer before dinner. This afternoon have been studying or reading over the Lectures on Philosophy. This Evening have ben writing down the lectures on the [TK TK]. Have been somewhat troubled to day about my studies but have enjoyed a spirit of Prayer and have felt to cast my burden on the Lord. O what could I do without Prayer. Thursday 25th Jan. 1838Got up this morning about ½ past 6, dressed myself, after having bathed as is my custom & had a season of prayer before I attended prayer in the chapel. After Prayers came to my room, read my bible, and, prepared for breakfast. When I had eat my B. I brot up 7 boxes of coal into my room and then my room mate being out I had a season of prayer in the sermon until seven O, read over my lectures in Philosophy at eleven went to the Philosophers hall to attend Professor [TK/s] lecture, took notes on the Lecture After the Lecture was over came to my room and had a season of prayer and then went to walk

PAGE 143Walked about ¾ of a mile and returned to my room when it was nearly dinner time. After dinner I went to walk again and at 20 went in to be examined in Philosophy. Made out poorly at the examination but felt entirely free from all guilt for I had a consciousness of having endeavored, at least to do my duty. I had the fear of God in my heart and therefore had nothing else to fear. O for the fear of God to be had broad in my heart so that I shall be entering free from all slavish fear of all such a fears as will hinder me from pursuing my duty! O for more holy boldness! O O for more faith, that faith that works by love purifies the heart, and overcomes the world. On account of my manifold trials and temptations and the habits I had previously formed I have not made that proficiency in my studies which I could have wished. I see many of my class ahead of me in the knowledge of this world. But thanks to Almighty God if

PAGE 144

I have not obtained all the human knowledge I desired to have by the Grace of God obtained that best of all knowledge, the knowledge of Jesus Christ and this word. All things are less, when composed unto this. To me all things when compared with this, appear less than nothing. Sabbath Jan 28th 1838 For 3 days have not enjoyed myself in religion. The cause is well known to myself I fell into sin on Friday. The enemies of my soul got the ascendancy and ever since I have been hid captive at their will only to day I have felt to [TK] with God in prayer for the light of his countenance again to beam upon my disconsolate soul. Afflictions of body are not to be mentioned on the same day with anguish of mind. Oh! How completely void of all comfort a I when once my Savior vails his face. O thou my sure and light and shade, my God, my [TK] and my all return to comfort and support thy worthless and unworthy servant. Sabbath evening fell greatly burdened, never felt greater struggles within. I have frequently prayed to God that

PAGE 145I might know more of my own heart and certainly it appears as though my prayers had been answered; for I have had awful views of my remaining depravity of late. O my Divine Master in this the road to thyself and Heaven, there I would pray carry on thy work of sanctification only I ray that thou wilt not send upon me more than I can bear. Dear Saviour tho knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee and that Id o prefer thee to all things else. How could I? O my Dear Redeemer How could I bear to hear thy voice pronounce the sound depart! Deny me of what thou wilt, O my love refuse not to grant me thyself: For if Thou shouldst bestow upon me all the honours, riches, and pleasures of this world and not grant me thyself; thou knowest my soul would be entirely miserable. Having tasted, thy love and having drank of those pure and celestial pleasures

PAGE 146which like their Divine Author are eternal my soul never can be happy, for one moment without thyself. O God my [TK] and my joy, my life, my supporter, my strength, my comforter, my Redeemer, make me to walk in thy command; tis a delightful road. O grant me strength from on high to Glorify thy great name in the midst of this [TK] January 31 st

1838January 31st 1838Feel to night happy in the enjoyment of the Divine Favor. Attended this Evening the Religious Lecture Delivered by the Pres. In the usual place of meeting, enjoyed myself whilst there very much. He spoke to us from 7th Romans For I was a live once without the Law: but when the

commandment came sin revived and I died. He remarked to us that this portion of the word of God contained the Religious experience of St. Paul which was highly important to us; because recorded in the Sacred Scripture and because it was the ex. of an inspired man. He said that to read the experiences of pious

PAGE 147uninspired persons was often times very useful; because genuine Piety always produced the same fruits but the difficulty her was that were liable to be imposed on without Counterfeits; Therefore we must examine for ourselves and try all experience by the only true test which God has given us his word before we receive it. Necessary to have some standard by which to try ourselves otherwise we would never know when we were right or when wrong. That standard we have which is the word of God: Paul was alive once that is he thought he was alive: [TK] he was a true Christian: that he pleased God and was accepted of him as a true worshiper and consequently that he would certainly get to Heaven But when the Commandment came sin Revived &c that is when he awoke to a sense of his situation; to see the extent and spiritually of the Law. He saw himself to be a condemned lost and ruined Sinner; he saw he could

PAGE 148not in any wise be justified by the deeds of the Law consequently he died to the Law That is he had no farther hope of justification from it: Sin Revived That is his eyes were opened to see his sinsFeb. 3 1838 ADHave enjoyed myself quite well to day in religion. O how sweet to lie possession in the hands of my Redeemer & know no evil but his but how awful to be tempted to forsake the Lord my God. Feb 7th Arose this morning at7.0 not being very well: went to prayers in the College Chapel; after prayers came to my room made up my bed & took my bible and read the 18 Chp of Numbers; meditated on the sin of presumption and prayed god to deliver me from committing [TK] sin. Then had a season of prayer & felt a reliance on Christ for justifying righteousness felt that I had no righteousness & my [TK] felt a hatred of all sin and plead with God to keep me in his fear that I might do his will

PAGE 149Feb 8th 1838 Went to bed last night hungering and thirsting for righteousness and awoke this morning with my mind calm and disposed to mediate on divine things. Had a season of prayer in which I

prayed fervently for ministries of the Gospel and especially for those who are preparing for the ministry. Attended this morning; prayed in the ChapelFriday Feb. 9th 1838Arose this morning about 1/3 pas six O. attended Prayer in the College Chapel; did not feel very well. To day have been study Paleys moral Philosophy, recited to Dr C in the Seminar recitation room. After recitation went to the Post Office. Did not get any letters. Then the Prayer bell rang for prayers and I hastened to the Chapel. After Prayers went to Mr. Coopers room to draw for speaking: spent about ¾ of an hour here and then went to walk Walked about a mile and returned; by the time I had got back tea was ready After tea I was

PAGE 150invited to walk again and not having taken my usual quantity of exercise for this day I consented to go: and did so: I should have mentioned that in my first walk I called at the house of the family where I hold my Saturday evening Meeting for payer and conversed a few moments on practical Godliness as well as heard the young woman relate her experience. This Young woman I had called to see a few evenings before at which time she was greatly destroyed in her mind. Now she was reunited in the love of God and give good evidence of piety. O What a happy family all pious. Bless the Lord that he has answered prayers in the undeceiving [TK] individual and in [TK] others. I felt which she was talking to me to ascribe all the Glory to God. Feb. 9th 1838 Enjoyed a spirit of prayer to day; Attended Prayer meeting in 58 this Evening A goodly number present after meeting went to my room and wrote a letter to a friend. By the time when I had completed my letter it was Eleven O. Then returned

PAGE 151awoke this morning at about ¼ past seven o’ and hastened to the Chapel to attend prayers. After prayers came to my room and wrote a few lines in my diary: to day is the Sabbath; the day on which the Saviour rose heading captivity captain and procuring gifts for men. How precious is this day to my soul. Once it was a burden to my soul to keep the Sabbath day: but now it is my delight

O! May my heart in turn be formedLike David, Harp of [TK] sound. What joyous thoughts cluster

around the mention of this day! How delightful to spend one day in Seven in meditation as Heaven and in studying the word of God! Never did Angels table above Redeeming Grace and dying Love

Hero Blest a Sabbath thus to spend in hope of one that may never end.

PAGE 152Professor preached to us to day from these words take heed that the light that is in you be not darkness. I enjoyed the sermon very much. He seemed to me to be sent of God. When going to the Chapel I prayed O Lord send by whom tho wilt; only do tho come with him, and it appeared to me that my prayer was answered. This evening attended and conducted meeting in the African Church, had an excellent meeting At least I felt it such to me. Feb. 12th 1838Received a letter to day from my nephew which contains joyful intelligence, viz that there is a revival of Religion in my native place. He stated that 120 had obtained a hope. This intelligence cause me to exhalt for joy. I felt to bless the Lord for his distinguished mercy for a while I longed to be in the midst of the Revival I regretted that I had to stay so long before I could go forth to proclaim the voice of salvation but when I came to reason upon, upon it I saw that all was right and quickly my soul broke out in the following hymn. I sang it a number

PAGE 153of times. Father whatever of earthly bliss!

Thy sovereign will deniesAccepted at thy Throne of GraceLet this petition rise.

Give me a calm a thankful heartFrom every murmur freeThe blessings of thy grace impartAnd make me live to thee

I went to my room and had a season of prayer. Poured out my soul in longing desire that God would not only continue his work when he had begun it but that he would speedily come and revive his work in the college. Scarce ever felt more of the spirit of prayer to night I feel willingly to be possessed in the hands of God to let him do with me as he sees fit. If I know my own heart I desire most of all and more than all things else to be fitted to bring mercy sons and daughters to Jesus Christ! I arise in no haste to die yea rather would I live to preach Christ and be crucified to my dying [TK] men –

PAGE 154I believe that should I die to night it would be a great gain to me but after I have spent my appointed time on earth I shall then have an

Eternity to spend in praising God and in recounting the wonderful way in which he has led me. O to preach Christ and him crucified to be [TK] fellow men! For this do I desire to live! Engaged in this God like employment to I desire to die and go to heaven. I don’t know as it is a right feeling to indulge but I feel that if it should be the Lords will I should greatly prefer to go as soon as I have preached my last sermon. I say my last sermon: for I do hope that not withstanding all my sins God will permit me to Preach his gospel. But I am not anxious as I was once. One thing do I desire of the Lord and that will I seek after viz that I may be conformed to his image, that I may be made a perfection in Christ Jesus my Lord. Feb 16th 1838 Got up this morning 7.0 washed myself in cold water, dryed myself, went out to prayers. After Payers, went up into Clio Hall

PAGE 155stayed about ½ an hour and came down to 58, sat there a few moments, when the bell rang for breakfast, & suffered my appetite to et the better of my reason. After breakfast went to exercise and then returned to my room read in the Spectator & had no recitation this forenoon. After the 12.0 bell ran went to walk walked about a mile and returned to my room. After dinner read Paley’s Moral Philosophy & at the usual time attended Dr C’s Recitation After Prayers this evening went to walk and called at Mr Vanetines. Stayed ¾ of an hour and returned my room. Wrote a letter this Evening to a young man to whom I had before written on how he suffered of his soul’s Salvation. Feb. 18th 1838. Sunday Evening. Last Evening attended Prayer Meeting at my usual place of holding meeting. Had a most glorious prayer meeting. Glorious because the Lord was then by his spirit to cheer the hearts of his children & to revive his drooping spirits those who had in prayer seemed to have the spirt of true disciplines. O! how delightful to

PAGE 156attend meeting when the Lord is present by his spirit to bless and Sanctify his people. To day is the Sabbath. Enjoyed myself in the morning and afternoon Prayer meetings. Enjoyed the sermon tolerably well. Our Bible lesson for today was in the acts of the Apostles. 4 Chap. Com with the 20th. Dr. C Preached to day from Gal. 6th & 13 verse. But God for bid that I should glory save in the cross of the Lord Jesus Christ. He first explained the phrase glorifying in the cross of Christ then he gave 5 principal reasons why we should glory in the Cross of C. His 3d reason was because it glorified the justice of God 4th Christians should glory in the Cross of because by it They are delivered from everlasting suffering. 5th because by the cross of Christians obtain their

hopes of heaven. This Evening have read in the Missionary Herald and Baxters Call to the unconverted O that I possessed more of the spirit, not of Baxter but of Jesus Christ. Lord I long to be purified to be wholly conformed to thine image and so to be fitted fully for thy service.

PAGE 15719th Feb. 1838. When I got up this morning felt dissatisfied with myself because I had lain so long in bed, And resolved to form the habit of early rising. I am sensible that this habit is essential to my growth in grace, to my cheerfulness, to the cultivating of any Christian Grace. 5.0 must be my hour for rising. By rising at 5 instead of seven I shall in one year gain 730 hours or 30 5/12 days, or one month in 2 years, 2 in 3 years in 12, 17[TK}. Read this morning Payley’s Moral Philosophy on the subject of the institution of Property. This afternoon, conversed this evening with a youth who came to my room respecting his souls salvation. He wept. Feb. 25 1838 Have been free from any violent temptations during the past week. Feelings have been uniform, Have been able to see that my attachment to my studies increase. How greatly I long to be thoroughly qualified to preach the Gospel. If I know my own heart I desire this most of all. One thing I will seek after that I may be thoroughly qualified to stand and minister at the [TK] of God

PAGE 158March 12th 1838. O How good God is, he keeps my soul in peace; he feeds e with his richest [TK]. He give me evidence that I am excepted of him & that I please him O Lord I am thine & thou art mine what else can I want beside Whom have I in heaven but thee & thou knowest that there is none upon the Earth that I desire in preference to thee. Thou art the beginning and ending of all my joys. O keep me from sin that worst of all evils. Sanctify me wholly and make me useful. March 15th Lord thou hast been bitter to me than all my expectations. Thou has granted me joy & peace. Often does my cup of blessings over flow. Lord forgive my ingratitude for thy favours & grant me grace to repent of all my sins. O Lord I pray thee to search me & try me to see if I am indulging any secret sin. O Lord I pray that I may keep a conscience void of offence & may strive to please thee in all that I do Ma I ever remember that I am not my own but that I belong to Christ.

PAGE 159March 22d Fell into sin yesterday morning & have in consequence given under the hiding of Dos’ face ever since until this evening. This Evening I feel that god has in great mercy smiled upon me to night. I

have been ennobled to cast all my burden on the Lord as well as to look to Jesus for justifying Righteousness. O how full of heavenly delight & of divine Satisfaction to lie in the hands of God & cry in humble childlike confidence & dependence Father forgive for Jesus Sake, Father purify & sanctify me & in this way fit me to glorify thee here & to dwell with in Heaven. Father Keep me from being tempted to sin against thee or support and deliver when I am tempted. F. uphold me for I am weak, enlighten me for I am ignorant & guide me for I am blind as to my best interest. And now O Lord if thy servant has found grace in thy sight be pleased to

PAGE 160grant unto me true wisdom make him wise to mine secrets

April 15th 1838To day is the Sabbath of the lord, the day on which the Saviour rose. This day is more blessed than all other days since on it the Saviour rose from the dead & on it the Gospel is preached to lost men. Since I last wrote in my diary I have had many precious seasons of communion with God in prayer and praise & reading the word often has my soul cryed unto God O Lord revive thy work in the earth.

April 22nd 1838The past week has been marked with peace of mind and with delight in God and in his service. Bless the Lord O my soul and all that is written now & forget all his mercies. Hitherto the Lord God of Israel hath helped me [TK] he hath fought my battles & he hath caused my soul to triumph over every enemies & to exult for joy in God ---------

PAGE 161April 28th 1838 The past week has passed away pleasantly and as I hope profitably. Have enjoyed a spirit of prayer from day tot day, have felt more contented and at times have felt very much resigned to the will of my heavenly Feather. Have mediated on death, eternity Christ, God & Heaven with peculiar delight. This Week Wednesday evening attended prayer meeting with the brethren of the Seminary. April 30th 1838 I have walked to day for exercise about 7 miles & to night I feel weary in body and in mind having been attending to my studies to day very closely O my soul call in All thy wandering thoughts & contemplate that place when the wicked shall cease from troubling and when the mercy shall be at rest. May 20th 1838 Since I last wrote in my diary I have enjoyed many precious seasons of communion with God Spent 3 p weeks of the vacation in Princeton Engaged in my Studies it appears to me that I have [TK] in grace during the past

PAGE 162vacation. I have been more regular in the performance of all my duties. O! to be well qualified to Preach the Gospel to my dying fellow man. May 21st 1838 Attended & Conducted the prayer meeting in the African Church last evening, about 40 present. I spoke to them from the preamble of the Upper Coming to Christ. May 23d 1838Preaching the Gospel: The idea of one day being permitted to preach the gospel is still dear to me & is now, I think, a powerful stimulus in my preparation. O! My Heavenly Father thou knowest all things: Thou knowest that I desire most of all to be fitted to save souls and wilt not thou who art he that puttest down one and [TK] [TK] o then give me grace to enable me to consecrate my time, talents, influence, my life and my all to thy service.------June 2d On examining myself last Evening found that I was looking in devotedness to the service of God & that

PAGE 163I had indulged in liberty to the serious injury of myself & others I repented of my sins sought renewed Grace to enable me in time to come to live differently & soon after I went to walk with a fellow student & he I conversed about the day of final judgmentJune Sunday Evening. This evening was informed by a brethren that there is one anxious sinner in College – he wished me to go & converse with him. My heart rejoiced at the intelligence of even one soul living in a state of inquiry. The brother & I had a season of prayer, at which time we prayed particularly for the individual mentioned. Last Sabbath evening feeling deeply concerned about the spiritual conditions of this college, I spent more time than usual in prayer & on the next day, I agreed to unite with a brother, once a day, to pray that the work of the Lord may be revived in this institution. Have felt my desire for to become a missionary to the Heathen increase greatly recently

PAGE 164during the past week. The work has appeared in a different light than it was used to do. I now think that the missionaries’ life above all others on earth is to be desired. None so honorable, no life so useful, none so happy, none so truly Christ’s life. Who would not rejoice to cooperate with God in carrying forward his plans of salvation? Who would not count it a very great TK to be sent on such an embassy! The Missionary goes to tell the Heathen of Christ & his Cross, and will he not be benefited in his own soul whilst engaged in so delightful a work! Hath God said, in vain, that they who water, shall be watered? Hath he said and Lo I am with you always ere to the end, & will he not go along with

the missionary, when he takes his life in his hand & goes to publish the glad tidings of salvation to those who have never heard the glad sound yea he will go with him & will stay with him, And now I ask, O my soul if God be for thee who can be against thee! Why shouldst thou be afraid since all, Earth, Heaven, & hell cannot have thee so long as dost confide in thy Heavenly Father for protection….June 15th 1838 Sabbath MorningAwoke this morning disconsolate, attended prayers in the College Chapel, after prayers came to my room

PAGE 165and spent some time in meditating on Heaven, whilst meditating my soul was melted into tears & I began to relish divine things. O how bad I feel when I loose the light of God’s countenance. I am restless and disconsolate & I go morning until I feel the light of God’s reconciled Countenance breaking in upon my soul. Then O then! How delightful to be possessed in his hands and know no will but the will of my heavenly father. My God how could I fear to hear thy voice pronounce the sound depart. Thou knowest all things & Thou Knowest that It would rend my very soul to pious. I cannot O I cannot be cast out and banished from thy sight! O God thou art more than all to me than art my help, my joy, my life, my strength, my consolation, from thee cometh all my expectation. Grant O most merciful father that I may never depart form thee. Grant It may always be highest happiness to please thou, my TK and my God.