03 29 09 improving communication by dealing with our differences part i keys to effective...

West Ridge Church Marriage MinistryWest Ridge Church Marriage Ministry

““Can You Hear Me Now?”Can You Hear Me Now?”

Communication Keys for CouplesCommunication Keys for Couples

III. Dealing With Our DifferencesIII. Dealing With Our Differences


Introduction: “Irreconcilable Differences?”Introduction: “Irreconcilable Differences?”

The best marriages are generally those thatThe best marriages are generally those that

have full alignment in have full alignment in valuesvalues but differ in core but differ in core

personality temperamentpersonality temperament. .

It is not enough to recognize our differences –It is not enough to recognize our differences –

we must also we must also respondrespond appropriately. appropriately.


Our Natural Response to DifferencesOur Natural Response to Differences



1. Believe that we are 1. Believe that we are rightright and they are and they are wrongwrong. .

2. At first, we are patient and hope they will 2. At first, we are patient and hope they will change change on their own. on their own.



3. But when they don’t, we attempt to 3. But when they don’t, we attempt to changechange them through a variety of techniques. them through a variety of techniques.

-- Joke about it-- Joke about it -- Teach or coach-- Teach or coach

-- Shame them -- Shame them -- Nag repeatedly-- Nag repeatedly

-- Yell about it-- Yell about it -- Cry about it-- Cry about it

-- Shut down/silence-- Shut down/silence


4. Most of these techniques have the unintended4. Most of these techniques have the unintended

result of pushing our spouse result of pushing our spouse away.away.

5. And over time, this leads to 5. And over time, this leads to isolationisolation – the very – the very

opposite of intimacy.opposite of intimacy.

6. If this pattern is not changed, this behavior6. If this pattern is not changed, this behavior

ends up in:ends up in: -- -- DivorceDivorce

-- -- “M & M” Marriage“M & M” Marriage

Married and Miserable Married and Miserable


The Desired ResponseThe Desired Response



1. Recognize that God has not called us1. Recognize that God has not called us

to to changechange our spouse -- that’s His job! our spouse -- that’s His job!

Because “opposites attract,” we tend to beBecause “opposites attract,” we tend to be

strongstrong in areas our spouse is in areas our spouse is weakweak..

Don’t try to change your spouse. Don’t try to change your spouse.

Instead, allow God to Instead, allow God to use themuse them to change to change meme..



2. Accept our spouse as God’s2. Accept our spouse as God’s gift gift to us for to us for

helping us grow.helping us grow.

Then the LORD God made a woman from the ribThen the LORD God made a woman from the rib

he had taken out of the man, and he had taken out of the man, and he brought her tohe brought her to

the manthe man. The man and his wife were both naked,. The man and his wife were both naked,

and they felt no shame. Genesis 2:22,25and they felt no shame. Genesis 2:22,25



2. Accept our spouse as God’s2. Accept our spouse as God’s gift gift to us for to us for

helping us grow.helping us grow.

Our spouse is our God-given Our spouse is our God-given accountabilityaccountability

partner!partner!

We should be asking: We should be asking:

What is God trying to teach me?What is God trying to teach me?



3.3. Learn to Learn to embrace embrace these differencesthese differences..

Romans 15:7Romans 15:7

Accept one another, then, Accept one another, then, just as Christ acceptedjust as Christ accepted

youyou, in order to bring praise to God., in order to bring praise to God.



3.3. Learn to Learn to embrace embrace these differencesthese differences..

4. Understand the stages of this 4. Understand the stages of this process.process.


We are different and….We are different and….

DATINGDATING

Gee, hadn’t really noticed.Gee, hadn’t really noticed. IgnoreIgnore

MARRIAGEMARRIAGE

Yikes!!! Yikes!!! Recognize Recognize

I get it….intellectually.I get it….intellectually. Understand Understand

I can live with that…if I must.I can live with that…if I must. TolerateTolerate

THE WALLTHE WALL



DATINGDATING

Gee, hadn’t really noticed.Gee, hadn’t really noticed. IgnoreIgnore

MARRIAGEMARRIAGE

Yikes!!! Yikes!!! Recognize Recognize

I get it….intellectually.I get it….intellectually. Understand Understand

I can live with that…if I must.I can live with that…if I must. TolerateTolerate

THE WALLTHE WALL MUST PUSH PAST !!!MUST PUSH PAST !!!



THE WALLTHE WALL

I’m okay with that…..really. I’m okay with that…..really. AcceptAccept

I’m glad for you.I’m glad for you. AppreciateAppreciate

I see how that benefits us!I see how that benefits us! EmbraceEmbrace


5. Embracing our differences creates a 5. Embracing our differences creates a safe safe environmentenvironment in which we can talk. in which we can talk.

6. The result is that our spouse feels 6. The result is that our spouse feels unconditional acceptanceunconditional acceptance. .

We reach higher levels of We reach higher levels of intimacyintimacy onlyonly as as we feel unconditionally accepted.we feel unconditionally accepted.

Five Major Keys of Effective CommunicationFive Major Keys of Effective Communication

1. 1. MaturingMaturing CharacterCharacter

2. 2. Mutual Mutual UnderstandingUnderstanding

3. 3. UnconditionalUnconditional AcceptanceAcceptance

Will you accept me as I am?Will you accept me as I am?

03 29 09 improving communication by dealing with our differences part i keys to effective...

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