10 tips for handling difficult conversations with your spouse,...

10 Tips For Handling Difficult Conversations With Your Spouse,

Kids, Person You’re Dating, (Or Anyone Else You’re Avoiding)

Aesha Adams-Roberts, PhD

© Aesha Adams‐Roberts, PhD www.aeshaonline.com All Rights Reserved 2

Dear Reader, Imagine that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding: What do you feel? Did your blood pressure rise? Is there a lump in the back of your throat? Has your stomach dropped? Perhaps the very thought of it makes you want to run and hide! Like most people facing a tough conversation, you keep putting it off and avoiding the person you need to talk to. There's nothing like the difficult conversation that has to be done. You may have to ask your best friend to repay the money you loaned them; you may have to talk to your boss about a co-worker who is harassing you; or you may have to break up with someone you’ve been dating for a long time. Difficult conversations come in all shapes and sizes--talking with your spouse about money (or the kids or sex or their parents), to your teenager about sex, or to your mother-in-law about her unsolicited parenting advice. Perhaps the other person isn’t easy to communicate with. Or perhaps you want to avoid a confrontation. And no matter how many scenarios you imagine in your mind, they all seem to end in disaster. A nasty breakup. A horrible argument. An “I-never-want-to-talk-to-you-again” ending. No matter how you slice it, you just can’t bring yourself to do it. I used to have this problem. In fact, I could have been considered the poster child for chronic avoiders (which lead to a very passive aggressive personality). I have many stories about how I failed in communication with my loved ones, but perhaps my dating experiences are the best examples to share because they show just how wimpy I was. After falling head-over-heels in love at the age of 19, I got engaged to what seemed to be an amazing Prince Charming. He turned out to be a very controlling young man and after I finally stood up to his manipulative ways, he asked for his ring back. We eventually got back together, but the abuse began again. I was afraid to tell him I didn’t want to marry him anymore. So when he gave me back the engagement ring, I faked a smile, gave him a half-hearted kiss and removed the ring as soon as I got home so my disapproving mother would not see it. When I was with him, I wore it, but secretly kept making plans to leave town for graduate school. It all came to a head when I couldn’t figure out if I


should wear the ring while at church because he AND my mom were there. I decided to try and hide my hand in my pocket, but he saw me. Instead of a private conversation in which I’d tell him how I really felt, I blurted out in public “I just don’t trust you anymore!” Yeah, I know. I did eventually get the courage to fully walk away from that relationship. Unfortunately I did not escape my passive-aggressive tendencies or my desire to avoid confrontation in relationships. For example, the next guy I dated found out I didn’t really want to be with him anymore from our pastor! The fact of the matter is difficult conversations are a part of life. And life is about relationships. But neither conversations nor relationships have to be difficult when you understand what makes them go wrong, and more importantly, what you can do to make them right!

***** After making horrible mistakes and getting mentored from the most respected coaches in the field, I’ve learned how to turn difficult conversations into what my friend and mentor PJ McClure, The Mindset Maven calls “courageous conversations.” A difficult conversation becomes a courageous conversation when you tackle it head on with confidence, courage, and skill. This guide will equip you with those same skills so you can have the courage and confidence to handle any tough conversation. First, we’ll talk about 7 mistakes people make that cause communication to go horribly wrong and then I’ll share 3 simple tools you can use to make it right. Taken together, you’ll have 10 tips for handling difficult conversations with anyone—including the person you’re avoiding!


7 Mistakes People Make That Cause Communication To

Go Horribly Wrong

#7 We assume

You know what they say about making assumptions—you’ll make an ASS out of U and ME! One common assumption people make before and during a difficult conversation is “I am right, you are wrong.” Such an assumption makes the conversation about right vs. wrong, good vs. bad instead making sure you understand and are understood.


#6 We rehearse

A huge mistake is rehearsing before the conversation even takes place. What you will say. How you will say it. What they will say in return. And most of the time we get it wrong! This kind of rehearsing builds negative emotions, anxiety, and stress that we bring to the actual conversation. There is an appropriate way to rehearse the conversation that will actually cause you to be calm and confident but we’ll talk about that later.


#5 We gossip

Instead of talking to the person with whom you have a conflict, you talk to other people. Talking to other people about the problem and avoiding the person you have the problem with is gossip! My position on gossip is this: Don’t talk about me if you can’t talk to me! Gossip is a poison and it will spread like wildfire, killing the relationships that are most important to you.


#4 We don’t listen

We live in an argumentative culture that programs us to think in terms of right vs. wrong. Just turn on CNN, Fox News or ESPN and you’ll see talking heads who talk over each other, ridiculing one another, or sometimes even shouting at each other. When we don’t think about listening to the other person—no matter how different their opinion is from our own—we approach the conversation in fight mode, defending, interrupting, and thinking about what we’re going to say.


#3 We react

This mistake is closely related to the mistake of not listening and making assumptions. Instead of trying to understand where the other person is coming from, we react. The result is the conversation deteriorates to name-calling, finger pointing, blaming, threats, crying, shouting, accusing, shutting down, and getting offended


#2 We make sweeping generalizations

How many times have you heard (or said)—“You always do that . . .” Or “You never (fill in the blank) . . .” When we generalize like this we overlook details of the specific situation and bring the past into the present. We also make accusations that are not grounded in actual evidence and shut ourselves off from real solutions. For example, if you believe that your husband “always” gets his way or your wife never listens to what you say, you’ll think that it’s no use to try to solve the problem.


#1 We don’t set a goal before we talk

Imagine getting in your car and driving without having a destination in mind. You’re likely to end up lost, in the middle of nowhere! Similarly, when we sit down to have a difficult conversation with someone without a clearly defined goal in mind, you will end up making any of the mistakes mentioned above. Worse yet, you’ll never get to the heart of the matter. Marriage researcher John Gottman says that 64% of the fights married couples have are the SAME fights they are having 5 years later! Even if the goal is to wait until later make a decision and simply see where the other person is in their thinking, it is better than not having a goal at all.


*****

When we make any one of these mistakes we end up in arguments over who is right or wrong. We blame or defend. We become resentful and feel misunderstood. We hide our true feelings instead of discussing what really matters. We keep putting off the difficult conversation but it becomes like a 300-pound gorilla in the room that everyone ignores. Not dealing with the gorilla will not make it go away! In fact it will become King Kong and wreak havoc in your life and relationships. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Here are three simple solutions that will help you manage those difficult conversations.


#1 Take a position This is not the same as refusing to listen or approaching the conversation as though it’s an argument to be won or lost. Instead, you make a decision beforehand of where you stand on the issue. For example, if your mother-in-law has been giving you advice on how to raise your children that you disagree with and makes you feel guilty for doing things your own way, you may take the position that you and your spouse will decide what is best for your children. You respect and appreciate her advice but it doesn’t mean you have to take it. And your position is you will not feel guilty no matter what she says. #2 Set a goal What do you want to happen as a result of this conversation? In the example of the well-meaning but meddling mother-in-law, you might realize you won’t be able to change her mind. Instead, your goal will be to respectfully but firmly draw boundaries around how and when she gives advice AND what you decide to do with that advice. #3 Manage your emotions Earlier we talked about how rehearsing what you will say and do before you sit down to talk can make a difficult conversation go horribly wrong. However, rehearsing in and of itself is not a bad thing. The issue is what you are rehearsing. Have you ever heard an athlete talk about how they visualized themselves winning the race or throwing the ball


before they actually did it? They are tapping into what Dr. Maxwell Maltz called Psycho-Cybernetics. The point is you can direct your thoughts, like a heat-seeking missile, to hit whatever goal you give it. If you visualize yourself being calm, courageous and confident, you’ll most likely hit that goal. If instead you visualize things not working out, you’ll likely hit the goal of being anxious, emotional, and fearful. You can harness this power by taking 5-10 minutes per day leading up to the difficult conversation and visualizing yourself listening compassionately, staying in control of your emotions, being clear on your position, and courageously working toward your goal. With these skills you will be able to approach any difficult conversation with courage and confidence.

10 tips for handling difficult conversations with your spouse,...

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