““What’s That You What’s That You Said?”Said?”

A Counseling Skills Workshop A Counseling Skills Workshop for for

Business Counselors, Advisors and Business Counselors, Advisors and Consultants.Consultants.

New England Professional Development New England Professional Development Core Competencies Series Core Competencies Series

November 7, 2011November 7, 2011

Facilitated by:Facilitated by:

Bradshaw Swanson Maine Certified Master Business Counselor

ME SBDC at CEI Presented onPresented on::

Monday November 7, 2011Monday November 7, 2011

Wentworth by the SeaWentworth by the SeaNew Castle, NHNew Castle, NH

Management Counseling 2011Management Counseling 2011

““IIn today’s challenging entrepreneurial n today’s challenging entrepreneurial business environment, a management business environment, a management counselor in possession of superb counselor in possession of superb management know-how really does not management know-how really does not have all of the skills to be effective. have all of the skills to be effective. Encyclopedic knowledge of small business Encyclopedic knowledge of small business management, while important and useful, management, while important and useful, will not guarantee results for his or her will not guarantee results for his or her clients. Knowledge and technical clients. Knowledge and technical proficiency are prerequisites to success proficiency are prerequisites to success but they are not all that our clients expect but they are not all that our clients expect from us, or for that matter, need from us.” from us, or for that matter, need from us.”

Management Counseling 2011Management Counseling 2011

So what is missing here?So what is missing here?What else do we need to know?What else do we need to know?

Why is this missing piece so Why is this missing piece so important?important?

Management Counseling 2011Management Counseling 2011

””IIn addition to knowledge, the truly n addition to knowledge, the truly exceptional Management Counselor must exceptional Management Counselor must possess empathy and unconditional possess empathy and unconditional positive regard for his or her clients. They positive regard for his or her clients. They must see the client as an individual, must see the client as an individual, worthy of assistance, and eager to grow. worthy of assistance, and eager to grow. To support their clients, to help them To support their clients, to help them reach their potential, Management reach their potential, Management Counselors must possess superior people Counselors must possess superior people and communication skills. They must know and communication skills. They must know how to counsel and coach their clients.”how to counsel and coach their clients.”

Paired ActivityPaired Activity Pair up with a partner.Pair up with a partner. One at a time, tell a story from your One at a time, tell a story from your

personal history of a time you had to personal history of a time you had to ask for help.ask for help.

Discuss what it was like to seek help Discuss what it was like to seek help from someone you did not know or from someone you did not know or know very little.know very little.

After 5 or so minutes, change roles.After 5 or so minutes, change roles.

What was it like?What was it like?

ThoughtsThoughts

FeelingsFeelings

BehaviorsBehaviors

Small Group DiscussionSmall Group Discussion Divide as evenly as possible into 7 groups.Divide as evenly as possible into 7 groups. Each group will be assigned one of the 7 deeply Each group will be assigned one of the 7 deeply

held assumptions about effective Business held assumptions about effective Business Counseling. Counseling.

Read it aloud. Share your thoughts, ideas and Read it aloud. Share your thoughts, ideas and reactions to the assumption within your small reactions to the assumption within your small group.group.

Have a scribe capture your groups core thoughts Have a scribe capture your groups core thoughts about the assumption.about the assumption.

The scribe will present the groups perspective to The scribe will present the groups perspective to the room for further discussion.the room for further discussion.

Seven Deeply-Held Assumptions:Seven Deeply-Held Assumptions: 1. 1. CCounseling implies change, and change ounseling implies change, and change

often stimulates resistance.often stimulates resistance. 2. 2. AAdults learn best by participating actively dults learn best by participating actively

in the learning process.in the learning process. 3. 3. PPeople have the capacity to solve their eople have the capacity to solve their

own problems if appropriately supported.own problems if appropriately supported. 4. 4. TThere is an inherent human drive towards here is an inherent human drive towards

health and the creative resolution of conflict.health and the creative resolution of conflict.

Seven Deeply-Held Assumptions:Seven Deeply-Held Assumptions: 5. 5. AAttentive and caring listening can help ttentive and caring listening can help

people to grow in their capacity to manage people to grow in their capacity to manage their lives effectively.their lives effectively.

6. 6. IIn a democratic values system, people n a democratic values system, people should be valued and respected. That is, should be valued and respected. That is, they should not be manipulated or they should not be manipulated or indoctrinated, but treated in ways that indoctrinated, but treated in ways that enhance their freedom and personal power.enhance their freedom and personal power.

7. 7. TThe counseling relationship should result he counseling relationship should result in the increased empowerment of the client.in the increased empowerment of the client.

MEET YOUR CLIENTSMEET YOUR CLIENTS

The Business Counseling The Business Counseling ChallengeChallenge

SSo…how do we work with clients o…how do we work with clients like these and others to help them like these and others to help them achieve their goals and become achieve their goals and become successful, however they define successful, however they define that?that?

Ten Guidelines for Effective Ten Guidelines for Effective CounselingCounseling

1. 1. Pay attentionPay attention to the to the contextcontext of the of the meeting. meeting.

2. 2. Be awareBe aware of of non-verbal signalsnon-verbal signals.. 3. 3. EmpowerEmpower the client. the client. 4. 4. Be openBe open to to the unpredictable.the unpredictable. 5. 5. ListenListen with the whole of yourself. with the whole of yourself. 6. 6. TalkTalk simply and clearly. simply and clearly.

Ten Guidelines for Effective Ten Guidelines for Effective CounselingCounseling

7. 7. Ask and answerAsk and answer questionsquestions effectively.effectively.

8. 8. Expect, meet and deal withExpect, meet and deal with resistance to change.resistance to change.

9.9. BuildBuild a a resolution.resolution. 10. 10. Give and inviteGive and invite feedbackfeedback on the on the

process.process.

Pay attention to the contextPay attention to the context. .

““FFavorable outcomes are more likely in avorable outcomes are more likely in an environment that is conducive to an environment that is conducive to learning.” learning.”

““RRemember, emember, first impressions are first impressions are powerfulpowerful!”!”

Beware of nonverbal signals.Beware of nonverbal signals.

““IIt is common to hear a verbal message t is common to hear a verbal message that contradicts the speaker’s body that contradicts the speaker’s body language.”language.”

““IIf the nonverbal message you are f the nonverbal message you are receiving seems ambiguous but important receiving seems ambiguous but important to the matter under discussion, test out to the matter under discussion, test out your intuition by asking the client for your intuition by asking the client for clarification.”clarification.”

Non-verbal communicationsNon-verbal communications NNorth Americans generally display discernable orth Americans generally display discernable

layers of “space. These rules change culture to layers of “space. These rules change culture to culture, and somewhat from individual to culture, and somewhat from individual to individual.individual.– 0”- 18” = Intimate space0”- 18” = Intimate space– 19”- 4’ = Personal space19”- 4’ = Personal space– 4’- 12’ = Social space4’- 12’ = Social space– 12’ – 20’ = Formal space12’ – 20’ = Formal space

BBarriers such as desks and tables have the arriers such as desks and tables have the effect of lengthening the perceived amount of effect of lengthening the perceived amount of space between individual.space between individual.

Non-verbal communicationsNon-verbal communicationsWWhat a person is thinking or feeling but hat a person is thinking or feeling but

may not want to speak about will often may not want to speak about will often “leak out” through her/his non-verbal “leak out” through her/his non-verbal communications.communications.– To understand a gesture, try exaggerating it.To understand a gesture, try exaggerating it.– Look for clusters of gestures, rather than an Look for clusters of gestures, rather than an

individual one. individual one. – Non-verbals often have several meanings. Be Non-verbals often have several meanings. Be

careful not to ascribe meaning to every careful not to ascribe meaning to every movement or gesture.movement or gesture.

– Congruence is important. Are the non-verbals Congruence is important. Are the non-verbals congruent with the words? congruent with the words?

EmpowermentEmpowerment

WWhat does the word hat does the word empowermentempowerment mean in a Business Counselor / Client mean in a Business Counselor / Client relationship?relationship?

Empower the client.Empower the client.

““TThe solution lies within your client, he solution lies within your client, not within you as the counselor.”not within you as the counselor.”

““TThe most common fault of he most common fault of inexperienced or unskillful counselors inexperienced or unskillful counselors is to take the problems (and power) is to take the problems (and power) away from clients by solving themaway from clients by solving them.”.”

Some thoughts on creating Some thoughts on creating empowering interactionsempowering interactions

WWe all work for rewardse all work for rewards. At some level . At some level we must derive some benefit from our we must derive some benefit from our action, or those actions will no doubt action, or those actions will no doubt cease. (cease. (acknowledge and validateacknowledge and validate))

NNeedseeds exist inside of people. exist inside of people. RewardsRewards exist in the environment, the situation, or exist in the environment, the situation, or the activity. (the activity. (acknowledge and validateacknowledge and validate) )

Some thoughts on creating Some thoughts on creating empowering interactionsempowering interactions

HHuman behavior is motivated by a uman behavior is motivated by a variety of needs – some physical, variety of needs – some physical, some psychological, some social. some psychological, some social. ((acknowledge and validateacknowledge and validate))

TThe more needs are related to he more needs are related to survival the less delayed gratification survival the less delayed gratification they will tolerate. (they will tolerate. (acknowledge and acknowledge and validatevalidate))

Some thoughts on creating Some thoughts on creating empowering interactionsempowering interactions

PPhysically uncomfortable work environments hysically uncomfortable work environments can effect productivity. (can effect productivity. (Pay attention to the Pay attention to the context!)context!)

PPeople want to belong. (eople want to belong. (acknowledge and acknowledge and validatevalidate))

EEverybody wants and needs to be verybody wants and needs to be appreciated, valued and respectedappreciated, valued and respected– A person’s sense of worth depends not on receiving A person’s sense of worth depends not on receiving

blanket rewards, but rather on being singled out and blanket rewards, but rather on being singled out and valued for their own efforts. valued for their own efforts. ((acknowledge and acknowledge and validatevalidate))

Be open to the unpredictableBe open to the unpredictable ““TTry to see your clients as unique ry to see your clients as unique

individuals, rather than as stereotypes.”individuals, rather than as stereotypes.”

““YYou should seek to be a catalyst, who ou should seek to be a catalyst, who strives to collaborate with clients to bring strives to collaborate with clients to bring forth the ideas or proposals or solutions.” forth the ideas or proposals or solutions.”

““YYour expertise lies in your skills in the our expertise lies in your skills in the processprocess of the encounter and in the quality of the encounter and in the quality of your of your interactioninteraction.”.”

Ways of establishing trustWays of establishing trustSSpend the time to create a “comfortable” pend the time to create a “comfortable”

relationship. relationship. IIntroduce your counseling style and your ntroduce your counseling style and your

goals for the session. When a client goals for the session. When a client understands your style they are less apt to understands your style they are less apt to negatively personalize comments and negatively personalize comments and responses.responses.

DDeveloping counseling session guidelines eveloping counseling session guidelines is very important to creating a safe is very important to creating a safe environment. environment.

Ways of establishing trustWays of establishing trust BBeing present, here and now, and eing present, here and now, and

completely focused, sends a clear completely focused, sends a clear message that the client is important.message that the client is important.

RRespecting confidentiality should be a especting confidentiality should be a given.given.

WWorking through conflict and difficult orking through conflict and difficult issues models respect and issues models respect and trustworthiness.trustworthiness.

Ways of establishing trustWays of establishing trust

RRespect each person’s pace, and espect each person’s pace, and fears.fears.

VViewing silence, awkwardness and iewing silence, awkwardness and conflict as normal, promotes a conflict as normal, promotes a healthy working relationship. healthy working relationship.

NNon-judgmental behavior is most on-judgmental behavior is most important.important.

Ever been at this meeting?Ever been at this meeting?

Listen with the whole of yourselfListen with the whole of yourself ““LListening is both the most important, and istening is both the most important, and

the most difficult part of the counseling the most difficult part of the counseling encounter.”encounter.”

““CClients often experience a clarification of lients often experience a clarification of thought and feeling by talking with a thought and feeling by talking with a sympathetic listener.”sympathetic listener.”

““((TTypically) what we call “listening” is often ypically) what we call “listening” is often merely a polite waiting of one’s turn while we merely a polite waiting of one’s turn while we allow the other person to express trifling or allow the other person to express trifling or bumbling views, as we rehearse our golden bumbling views, as we rehearse our golden nuggets of wisdom.”nuggets of wisdom.”

Blocks to listening Blocks to listening

CComparingomparing Mind readingMind reading RehearsingRehearsing FilteringFiltering JudgingJudging DreamingDreaming

IIdentifyingdentifying AdvisingAdvising SparringSparring Being rightBeing right DerailingDerailing PlacatingPlacating

Attending and EncouragingAttending and Encouraging

AAttendingttending is the process of getting is the process of getting and staying connected to the other and staying connected to the other person on a person on a non-verbal levelnon-verbal level; ; establishing a communication bond.establishing a communication bond.– Eye contactEye contact– Body postureBody posture– Avoid topic jumpingAvoid topic jumping– Warm, relaxed tone of voice Warm, relaxed tone of voice

Attending and EncouragingAttending and Encouraging EEncouragingncouraging behavior provides evidence behavior provides evidence

to the other person that we are really to the other person that we are really listening to him or her as he/she speaks. It listening to him or her as he/she speaks. It often helps another to share information often helps another to share information which is risky, scary or unclear.which is risky, scary or unclear.– Head nodsHead nods– MVU’s (minimal verbal utterances)MVU’s (minimal verbal utterances)– Simple statements ( “I see.”)Simple statements ( “I see.”)– Facial expressions and body language(posture, Facial expressions and body language(posture,

movements, gestures)movements, gestures)– Word or phrase restatement (paraphrase)Word or phrase restatement (paraphrase)

Reflecting contentReflecting content

NNow that you are listening!…you need to ow that you are listening!…you need to check out what it is you think you are check out what it is you think you are hearing in order to make sure your hearing in order to make sure your perceptions are accurate.perceptions are accurate.

PParaphrasingaraphrasing does not imply that you does not imply that you agree with what you are hearing, only that agree with what you are hearing, only that you are listening and attempting to verify you are listening and attempting to verify your understanding of what your client has your understanding of what your client has said.said.

Reflecting contentReflecting content

TThe benefits of paraphrasing include:he benefits of paraphrasing include:– Showing your client that you are listeningShowing your client that you are listening– Checking out what you are hearing for Checking out what you are hearing for

accuracyaccuracy– Corrects miscommunications before they Corrects miscommunications before they

compoundcompound– Helps you remember what was saidHelps you remember what was said– Stops needless repetitionStops needless repetition– People deeply appreciate feeling heard and People deeply appreciate feeling heard and

valued valued ((acknowledge and validateacknowledge and validate))

Reflecting contentReflecting content SStart with a stem:tart with a stem:

“ “ It sounds like you are saying…”It sounds like you are saying…” RRepeat, in your own words, what you epeat, in your own words, what you

heard. Do not embellish or interpret:heard. Do not embellish or interpret: “…that you believe profits are down because “…that you believe profits are down because your employees are stealing from you.” your employees are stealing from you.”

CCheck it out:heck it out: ““Is that right?”Is that right?”

Reflecting feelingsReflecting feelings

RReflecting feelings is a paraphrase where eflecting feelings is a paraphrase where you try to identify and checkout what a client you try to identify and checkout what a client is feeling rather than what they are saying.is feeling rather than what they are saying.– Feelings are extremely important to Feelings are extremely important to

communications. communications. – Very often their ability to give a name to Very often their ability to give a name to

what they are feeling will free up a client’s what they are feeling will free up a client’s ability to communicate and get on with ability to communicate and get on with problem solving.problem solving.

– This is tricky business.This is tricky business.

Reflecting feelingsReflecting feelings

SStart with a stem:tart with a stem: ““I sense you are feeling…”I sense you are feeling…”

NName the feeling:ame the feeling:“…“…really frustrated by the bank’s really frustrated by the bank’s delay in lending you the money you delay in lending you the money you need.”need.”

CCheck it out:heck it out: ““Is that right?”Is that right?”

Reflecting feelingsReflecting feelings AA few things to remember about feelings: few things to remember about feelings:

– They are neither good nor bad.They are neither good nor bad.– We all have them, and we all have trouble We all have them, and we all have trouble

controlling them.controlling them.– Be careful not to judge a person for the Be careful not to judge a person for the

feelings they are having. It is not helpful feelings they are having. It is not helpful to tell someone that they should not feel to tell someone that they should not feel a certain way.a certain way.

– Try not to let you’re your own feelings Try not to let you’re your own feelings get in the way of your ability to listen and get in the way of your ability to listen and reflect.reflect.

Talk simply and clearly.Talk simply and clearly. ““YYou need to express yourself in a non-ou need to express yourself in a non-

threatening way, so that your clients can threatening way, so that your clients can remain open to what you suggest, and remain open to what you suggest, and perhaps be influenced by it.”perhaps be influenced by it.”

““DDo not try to impress your clients by your o not try to impress your clients by your erudition, expertise or authority.”erudition, expertise or authority.”

““TThe best guideline is to speak briefly and to he best guideline is to speak briefly and to address only on point at a time. Don’t attempt address only on point at a time. Don’t attempt to say everything that needs to be said on the to say everything that needs to be said on the subject. Be content with incompleteness.”subject. Be content with incompleteness.”

4 primary types of responses4 primary types of responses MMore informationore information

– Encouraging and using questionsEncouraging and using questions UUnderstandingnderstanding

– Paraphrasing and Reflecting feelingsParaphrasing and Reflecting feelings RRecommendationecommendation

– Advice and directionAdvice and direction CChallengehallenge

– Judging, warning, preaching, blamingJudging, warning, preaching, blaming

4 primary types of responses4 primary types of responses

NNorth Americans use these four types or orth Americans use these four types or responses, most frequently, in this order:responses, most frequently, in this order:– ChallengeChallenge– RecommendationRecommendation– More information More information – UnderstandingUnderstanding

UUnderstandingnderstanding is the most useful is the most useful response when trying to build trust and response when trying to build trust and maintain relationships.maintain relationships.

Talk simply and clearly.Talk simply and clearly.

““IIt is a major communication t is a major communication error to assume that what has error to assume that what has been spoken has been heard.”been spoken has been heard.”

Like this…Like this…

Ask and answer questions Ask and answer questions effectively.effectively.

““BBe aware of why you are asking the e aware of why you are asking the client a particular question: What is your client a particular question: What is your underlying purpose ?”underlying purpose ?”

““RReal questions are those to which you eal questions are those to which you don’t already have the correct answer…don’t already have the correct answer…The worst questions put your clients on The worst questions put your clients on the spot or make them look foolish.”the spot or make them look foolish.”

YYou in turn will be asked questions by ou in turn will be asked questions by your clients.your clients.

Using questions effectivelyUsing questions effectively

QQuestions are listening tools used to uestions are listening tools used to collect new information or clarify collect new information or clarify information that has already been information that has already been offered.offered.

QQuestions can either guide or uestions can either guide or control a conversation.control a conversation.

Using questions effectivelyUsing questions effectively

CClosed questions: ask for just short losed questions: ask for just short answers (“Where?” “When?” “What?” answers (“Where?” “When?” “What?” “Is…?” “How many? “Did you?” “Have “Is…?” “How many? “Did you?” “Have you?”…)you?”…)– Obtain specific informationObtain specific information– Control the conversationControl the conversation– Don’t encourage conversationDon’t encourage conversation– Show less respect or value for the otherShow less respect or value for the other– May lead you to miss important informationMay lead you to miss important information

Paired ActivityPaired Activity

PPair up with another Business air up with another Business Counselor.Counselor.

HHave a conversation asking only ave a conversation asking only Closed Questions.Closed Questions.

YYour topic is: our topic is: Borrowing money for a Borrowing money for a start up business.start up business.

Using questions effectivelyUsing questions effectively

OOpen questions: ask for longer, more pen questions: ask for longer, more involved answers(“How?”, “Why?”)involved answers(“How?”, “Why?”)– Encourage the other to talk and discloseEncourage the other to talk and disclose– Perceived as showing more respect or Perceived as showing more respect or

value for the othervalue for the other– Guide the conversation rather than Guide the conversation rather than

control itcontrol it– Give you more time to thinkGive you more time to think– May result in too much talkMay result in too much talk

Paired ActivityPaired Activity

WWith the same partner ith the same partner ((Business Business Counselor).Counselor).

HHave a conversation asking only ave a conversation asking only Open Questions.Open Questions.

YYour topic is: our topic is: How did it go at the How did it go at the bank?bank?

Expect, meet, and deal with Expect, meet, and deal with resistance to change.resistance to change.

““AAs you move through the counseling process, s you move through the counseling process, you will normally travel from (a) you will normally travel from (a) exploration, exploration, through through (b) (b) clarification, to clarification, to (c) (c) resolution (partial resolution (partial or complete), and to or complete), and to (d) (d) a plan of actiona plan of action based on based on new insights and resolutions.”new insights and resolutions.”

““YYou should be clear that, once your clients ou should be clear that, once your clients begin to consider action, they are facing the need begin to consider action, they are facing the need for change. It is essential for you, as the for change. It is essential for you, as the counselor, to understand resistance and to counselor, to understand resistance and to manage it competently.”manage it competently.”

It may happen a bit like this…It may happen a bit like this…

Working with clients Working with clients and changeand change

PPeople resist change because it is so eople resist change because it is so difficult.difficult.

EEach person’s reaction to change is ach person’s reaction to change is unique.unique.

CChange leads to a fear of the unknown.hange leads to a fear of the unknown. TThere is a perceived lack of control and here is a perceived lack of control and

anxiety about the future.anxiety about the future. WWith change, there are gains ith change, there are gains and lossesand losses..

HelpfulHelpful responses to changeresponses to change

RRecognize resistance, concern, anxiety ecognize resistance, concern, anxiety and stress as normal reactions.and stress as normal reactions.

WWhile enumerating the gains and hile enumerating the gains and positives aspects of change, address the positives aspects of change, address the losses too.losses too.

LLearn what has to be done to effect the earn what has to be done to effect the change your client wants to make, and change your client wants to make, and help him/her make a reasonable plan for help him/her make a reasonable plan for getting it done.getting it done.

HelpfulHelpful responses to changeresponses to change

SSupport the client – try upport the client – try notnot to have a to have a narrow view.narrow view.

AAcknowledge that, most of the time, cknowledge that, most of the time, change is very difficult.change is very difficult.

You may have to be patient…You may have to be patient…

Build a resolution.Build a resolution. ““TTo “build” means to see the potentially o “build” means to see the potentially

creative part in the other’s contribution, to creative part in the other’s contribution, to relate one’s own contributions to it, and to add relate one’s own contributions to it, and to add to it in such a way that something new to it in such a way that something new emerges that neither person could have emerges that neither person could have created alone.”created alone.”

““MMaintain a consistently positive belief in the aintain a consistently positive belief in the client’s ability to arrive at a satisfactory client’s ability to arrive at a satisfactory outcome.”outcome.”

Give and invite feedback on the Give and invite feedback on the process.process.

““IInvite specificity.”nvite specificity.” ““IIt is very important to recognize that t is very important to recognize that

there are identifiable skills to being a good there are identifiable skills to being a good client.” client.”

“ “ AAbove all, retain a sense of humor and bove all, retain a sense of humor and modesty about your efforts. Acknowledge modesty about your efforts. Acknowledge your own limits, and don’t be hard on your own limits, and don’t be hard on yourself.”yourself.”

What do you think of What do you think of thisthis feedback?feedback?

A few notes on A few notes on FeedbackFeedback FFeedback is information that flows eedback is information that flows

between two people that has to do with between two people that has to do with their interaction their interaction in the here and now. in the here and now. In a In a counseling session effective feedback:counseling session effective feedback:– Is specific rather than generalIs specific rather than general– Is focused on the needs of the receiver.Is focused on the needs of the receiver.– Is directed at behavior which the receiver Is directed at behavior which the receiver

can do something about.can do something about.– Is far more useful when it is not given as Is far more useful when it is not given as

a form of controla form of control

Final ActivityFinal Activity TTurn to your work partner and urn to your work partner and

provide feedback on the work they provide feedback on the work they have done with you. have done with you. – WWhat did you notice?hat did you notice?– WWhat were their strengths?hat were their strengths?– WWhat are their areas for improvement?hat are their areas for improvement?– AAsk what they plan to do with your sk what they plan to do with your

feedback.feedback.

THANK YOU ALLTHANK YOU ALL FFor your commitment to this work.or your commitment to this work. FFor your willingness to use you talent and or your willingness to use you talent and

energy to help others succeed.energy to help others succeed. FFor your dedication to helping clients do the or your dedication to helping clients do the

hard work of developing into better business hard work of developing into better business owners and managers (we develop owners owners and managers (we develop owners and managers, not businesses – that’s and managers, not businesses – that’s theirtheir job!)…job!)…

……aand for supporting your peers in the process nd for supporting your peers in the process of professional development.of professional development.