EveryThreeWeekly.com

VOLUME 16

ISSUE 7

MAR 2015WEEKLYTHE

EVERY THREE“Better than sex,

twice as often.”

INSIDEOne Hundred Twenty-Two Years of Actually Taking Four Weeks

Toothless Appalachian Leper Ignorant of Own White Privilege

see pg LL-316

Amidst a trend of decreasing student participation the Central Student Government’s spring elections, sources confirmed Thursday that a number of CSG candidates are reportedly considering manufacturing an entirely artificial and extremely divisive campus controversy to polarize the student body and jumpstart student involvement in the upcoming March 25th elections.

“We’re talking national media attention, rival hashtags and backlash op-eds in the Daily for weeks on end,” said presidential candidate Jason Russo of the Ann Arbaugh Party. “If we play our cards right, they might even force President Schlissel to release a statement condemning whatever it is that people are all up in arms about.”

Although they hail from competing parties, the candidates are willing to work together after last year’s “dismal” voter turnout to inspire enough animosity and opposition within the campus community to ensure a return to the spotlight for student government’s annual election.

“There’s nothing like a heated public scandal to provoke the righteous ire of the student body and get them out to polls,” said Joan Friedman of the iMproved Party. “With any luck, we’ll be able to fabricate a controversy that’ll garner all the hostility, bitterness and antagonism we need to get people angry and excited about the CSG elections again.”

Though the candidates declined to comment further on their plans

to artificially induce an unrelenting hailstorm of tweets, Facebook comments and blog posts, they assured reporters that the war of words would be much broader in scope, severity and duration than any previously witnessed controversy.

“Ski-gate and that whole ‘relative

wealth’ kerfuffle will pale in comparison to what I’ve got up my sleeves. Mark my words: when this shit hits the fan, they’ll station DPS officers in the fuckin’ Honors Commons just to keep us from each other’s throats,” continued Friedman.

When reached for comment, CSG

President Bobby Dishell praised the candidates’ initiative, saying, “This is exactly what the CSG needs. If students buy into the controversies we fabricate now, imagine how riled up they’ll be when the elections are inevitably voided.”

Presidential hopeful Jason Russo, above, has spent hours engineering the campus-wide scandal from CSG Central Command.

Area Man Still Feels Little Guilty After Taking Handicapped Stall

see pg -8

Class of 2015 Boasts 26 Fulbrights, 6000Kind-Of-Brights

see doctor immediately

Outcast With Gum Basks In Newfound Popularity

see pg 42

Ann Arbor Film Festival Celebrates 53rd Year Of Sticking It To Dad

see pg Q7

Open-Minded 6th Grader: If You Like Ice Cream So Much, Why Don't You Marry It?

see Appendix 11

Report: CSG Conspires To Boost Interest In Upcoming Elections By Fabricating Next Big Campus Controversy

Law School Looking Like Great Option For Seniors With No Other OptionsAs graduating seniors look to solidify

their future plans, campus sources have reported that the prospect of law school seems to be “really gaining traction” among students who’ve failed to establish any clear career path, grown to detest the field of study they’ve chosen or realized they are entirely unprepared for life outside of a university campus.

“Law school is a perfect fit for me,” says LSA senior Jodi Franklin. “It’s challenging, sounds nice at cocktail parties, and a great match for the hazy, loosely-defined credentials I’ve gained with my cultural studies degree.”

“I’ve been thinking seriously about law school for several weeks now,” said fellow senior Brooks Dern. “Once I realized my job prospects leave a lot to

be desired—not to mention how easy it is to take out a small fortune in student loans—I knew that law school was where I’m meant to be.”

For many seniors, the realization that they were destined to study law was guided by the help of qualified advisors and professionals.

“After my stress-induced nervous breakdown last semester, I developed a close relationship with my CAPS advisor. That’s when I realized I really wanted to be a psychotherapist. But once I realized the medical school ship had long since sailed, and that my uncle’s consulting firm had passed me over for someone with an actual track record of business acumen, I realized I really wanted to go into law,” said LSA senior and classical

studies major Raul Garcia. “I guess you could say it’s my calling—barring any other remotely viable options.”

“Unless something else comes up—and I mean literally anything else—I’m confident that my best move is to blow $150,000 on three years of grueling work that will kick my ass and leave me perfectly situated to compete with 40,000 graduating 3Ls for 6,000 entry-level attorney positions,” Garcia continued.

LSA senior Marshall Lohmann reported that the decision to go to law school practically made itself for him.

“I was on the phone with my grandma a couple weeks ago, asking for a few hundred bucks to tie me over till my next allowance check, and out of

nowhere she asked me about my post-grad plan. I really hadn’t thought that far ahead. Law school was the first thing out of my mouth, so I was pretty much committed at that point,” Lohmann said.

In the absence of any other pursuit to call his life’s work, Lohmann explained that sacrificing the better part of his early twenties and a lifetime of bad credit for law school “seemed like [his] best bet.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the American Association of Law Schools pointed out that graduating seniors who could prove that they lacked any other viable options would be eligible for a full application fee waiver.

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In a typical act of social ineptitude, LSA freshman and less popular roommate Carl Hunter perceived friend and roommate Jamie Preston what “we’re up to tonight.”

Hunter, described by peers as “unique,” “kind of a downer,” and “always around somehow,” rarely presents plans of his own creation and prefers to “play it by ear,” he said.

“I try to keep an open schedule and just be up for anything that comes my way, ya know?” said Hunter, once again finding himself without Friday night plans. “I just kinda see what people are up to and go from there.”

Hunter’s roommate Preston reportedly did have plans, but was reluctant to bring the “social hindrance of a human being,” along with him. Nevertheless, he said, Hunter is likely to tag along.

“He always ends up coming along,” said Preston of Hunter. “No matter how many hints I drop that I don’t want him to come along, he still seems completely oblivious.”

Preston has taken his roommate to multiple social outings—from movies to frat parties—none of which Hunter was actually invited to.

“Last weekend was amazing!” said Hunter, referring to the night when he tagged along with several hallmates to a frat party. “The whole squad hit the town and just straight killed it, man. All of the guys were there, and my man Jamie was getting it on with some chick! It was just a real wild time dude.”

“That’s what makes me great; I just do what feels comfortable, ya feel me?” the mild nuisance continued. “I always just kinda go with the flow of things, people can really dig a chill guy like that.”

At press time the “ever-present” roommate was accompanying Preston to a house party where he proceeded to play with the dog all night.

Less Popular Roommate Wondering What ‘We’re’ Doing Tonight

‘Into My Office, Young Man! Right Now!’ Yells Schlissel While Trying To Corral Class Clown

During the 11:00–11:10 a.m. passing time last Tuesday, LSA junior and resident prankster Robert Hyland reportedly deployed five stink bombs into the Mason Hall girls’ bathroom, causing an uproar among students and faculty, most notably University president Mark Schlissel.

Schlissel, who was passing by, flipping through a manila folder and generally keeping an eye on things to make sure everyone was keeping in line during passing time, looked up suddenly after hearing a shrill voice yell, “But this is the girls' bathroom!” Schlissel was reportedly shocked (but not too shocked, he

later said) to see Hyland dashing out of the girls’ restroom.

“Stop running!” Schlissel shouted to Hyland. “No running in the halls!”

“Oh no! the Schliss!” Hyland reportedly exclaimed, stopping in his tracks.

“Into my office, young man! Right now!” shouted Schlissel with conviction, pointing in the general direction of the Fleming Administration Building. “Oh God, what’s that smell?”

Ten minutes later, after calling in the janitors, Schlissel sat down at his desk and sighed before remembering to stand up again,

open his door and mutter, “Bobby, you can come in now.” Hyland, looking down, came in and sat down in the plastic chair pulled aside from the waiting room.

“So, Bobby, what is your deal today?” Schlissel implored. “What do you think you are, some sort of smartass?” Schlissel let the moment sit so that Hyland would understand he was really upset.

“Bobby, please don’t. Please don’t cry! I apologize for swearing. I’m just really upset with your decision-making today. What made you think this was a good idea, huh?”

According to sources, Hyland looked up at Schlissel through his hands momentarily, but started bawling before being able to speak. Schlissel put his hand on Hyland’s shoulder to try to comfort him.

“I. Just. Want. Katie. To. Think. I’m. Cool,” Hyland said, clipped, between frantic breaths. “I. Want. People. To. Think. I’m. Funny.”

“Now Bobby, you are funny, but you need to consider the consequences of your actions,” Schlissel explained. After lecturing and consoling Hyland for ten minutes, Schlissel asked the LSA junior to promise that he wouldn’t pull any of his pranks anymore.

Later that day, a group of Hyland’s friends who cite him as somewhat of a leader congregated around his table during lunch at the South Quad Dining Hall.

“So what’s the deal, big man, what happened in there?” freshman Wyatt Abner asked while wapping him on the arm.

“Well, let’s just say that me and the Schliss are pretty tight now,” Hyland said confidently, while raising his eyebrows.

Screenwriting Major Expert At Crafting Tension With Roommate

Sources close to SAC major Bryan Klein report that his extensive studies of film and scriptwriting have enabled him to become highly adept at crafting tension between himself and his roommate, LSA junior Jason Goldberg.

“Oh man, Bryan really has that spark that everyone in the film business seems to talk about,” said Goldberg. “He’s just brimming with creative ideas. Like, last week he walked around in his boxers while I was trying to talk to my mom on the phone for a half-hour straight. That’s commitment to the craft. To think, I might be rooming with the next Hitchcock!”

Klein’s other tension-creating techniques include piling dirty dishes so high that they can’t be washed, tracking sludge throughout the apartment with his snow boots, and leaving rotting food out long enough to sustain an entire colony of fruit flies.

“And Bryan never frames a rogue, dirty sock in quite the same way twice,” Goldberg said. “He’s so good at keeping me on edge.”

“He always manages to work in surprise

twists,” Goldberg continued. “Just last night he ‘accidentally’ unplugged my desktop from the power strip and I lost two papers I’d been working on. Never saw it coming!” Goldberg said.

Goldberg noted that every time he thinks he’s got his roommate figured out, Bryan “hits [him] with something totally out of left field.” Goldberg continued, “Like that time he baby-talked his girlfriend on speakerphone the entire time I had a biochem study group over.”

“Who else has that kind of vision? This kid is going places.”

Ashley Hoffman, one of Klein’s SAC professors, told reporters that he tends to carry his tension-crafting skills into the classroom as well. “Often he’ll ask a totally unprompted question like ‘Wait––what was the webwork again?’ or ‘Can you go back to the last slide?’” Hoffman said.

Reportedly, Klein is greeted with stunned silence every time––surely a testament to his groundbreaking technique.

According to sources, Schlissel has "had it up to here with you, young man."

Study Abroad Students Explore Local Clubs, Sites of History's Most Heinous Atrocities

NEWS-IN-PHOTO

The campus community was reportedly shocked by the loss of numerous poorly written outlines, hastily prepared PowerPoints and half-assed introductory paragraphs in an unexpected power outage in Mason Hall on Wednesday night.

Though no official death toll has been released on the number of distractedly prepared files that were lost, a University spokesperson estimates that the final count will be “large, as backups may not be salvaged for all files and most Fishbowl users were loafing around way too much to save regularly.”

“We haven’t seen a tragedy of this scale since the great Windows Vista update of ‘02”, continued spokesperson Linda Holmes. “The University of Michigan will do everything in its power to support the victims of this tragedy, and ensure that their lives eventually return to normal. We will recover all of the hastily skimmed PDFs and poorly thought out 12-point Times New Roman essays that we can, and fondly remember the ones we cannot. We hope that campus can return to normal as soon as possible and the Fishbowl will once again become a place for raucous socializing instead of legitimate scholarship.”

Mary Rojas, the author of a budding English 124 essay, was “heartbroken” over the ordeal. “You always hear about this thing happening to other people, and I never thought it would happen to me. This paper had so much potential,

and got cut off in the prime of its introductory clause. It was the humble beginnings of a paper, just trying to go out and do its job. Nobody should have to go through this. I wish I had backed it up instead of torrenting the new Ariana Grande album.”

ITS is encouraging students to take proactive steps to be prepared for future emergencies. “You never know when a tragedy like this will strike. If you have files you love, I urge you: go home and back them up to the iCloud. You never know when they could be gone forever,” announced Michael Brown, head of the ITS File

Emergency Management Association (FEMA). Brown went on to add that if students didn’t

want to experience such a tragedy in the future, they may want to not put off their work until the last minute. Brown further explained that the papers written during adderall- and caffeine-induced all nighters are often of poor quality, anyway.

Students were reportedly planning a candlelight vigil to both remember those lost and continue pretending to work on their projects, as Mason Hall’s lights were still out.

Campus Community Mourns Loss Of Dozens Of Half-Assed Intro Paragraphs To Fishbowl Power Outage

Hundreds of Three-Slide PowerPoints Lost Too

PAGE 2

Nadine (middle) lost over six sentences in the recent tragedy.

CAMPUSCAMPUSMartha Cook Forgoes Tea Time For No-Boys-Allowed Satanic Séance

In an attempt to connect with the changing ideals of today’s young women, housing officials from Martha Cook Residence Hall confirmed rumors that they had “spiced up” a streak of Friday high teas and Sunday formal dinners by holding a monthly satanic séance instead.

“On a campus replete with undignified degeneracy, Martha Cook has, and always will, be a haven for the more decent among us – and a refuge for those who are still emotionally scarred from the time Bobby Monroe tore up their valentine in the second grade,” stated Vanessa Irgin, Martha Cook’s hall director and satanic high priestess.

Martha Cook RA and séance sitter Anna Lyman first proposed the monthly demonic observances.

“I thought it would be a great way to cut loose once a month—let our hair down, paint our nails and summon

departed spirits from the depths of Tarturus—you know, girl stuff,” confessed Lyman. “Some of the new girls were a little intimidated at first, but I mean c’mon, its not like we’re having boys over or anything!”

The unholy sacraments have quickly become the hall’s most popular event, but Irgin remains adamant that praising the wicked deceiver of hell is a privilege, not a right.

“During our séance last month I let slip that I was skeptical of our ability to connect with the spirit world and I got kicked out for being a non-believer,” said participant Samantha Lee. “Priestess Irgin was so upset.”

Lee explained that due to her actions, she was not allowed to attend the international-themed Devil worship the following month where “all the other girls got to bathe in the blood of the Prince of Darkness without [Lee].”

CAMPUS VOICESClinton Under Fire For Use of Personal Email AddressRecently rumored 2016 Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton has come under fire for her use of a personal email address rather than the mandated government email address. What do you think?

“I bet she couldn’t part with her original screen name misspresident47@hotmail.com.”

Kenny Richardson ––Street Gynecologist

“Wait if she wasn’t using a government email who told me to forward these national security documents to 15 people before midnight!”

Jenny Trainer ––Cis-Female

“Wait, then who has been sending me threatening emails from hclinton@state.gov?”

Amanda Niedermeyer ––Cardigan Model

Student Blames Poor Essay Grade On Lack of Peer Editing Opportunities

Explaining that her writing process suffered from a severe lack of sketchy annotations and half-baked attempts at constructive criticism, LSA sophomore Kelly Rinaldi attributed her poor POLSCI 337 essay grade to a lack of peer editing.

“Listen––I’m not saying a round of peer editing would have brought me up to an A+ or anything,” Rinaldi said. “But fifteen minutes of depthless, perfunctory criticism from a reluctant classmate really might have brought this thing to the next level.”

Though Rinaldi had other resources for improving her work at her disposal, she most regrets not being afforded the ability to swap papers with a similarly inept and uninformed peer.

“Of course, bringing a draft into office hours was always an option,” Rinaldi continued. “But I’m just not

sure a graduate student could offer me the kind of empty-headed, ill-considered and vaguely contradictory advice I needed at that point in the writing process.”

According to the Sweetland Center for Writing, peer editing can help students bring a fresh perspective to the task of revising their own written work.

“Additionally, peer editing can be a vital resource for instructors who want to squander twenty or even forty minutes class time without so much as lifting a finger,” said Marsha Flynn, director of the Sweetland Center. “That’s valuable time a professor can use to update his Match.com profile, or time a GSI can use to send racy GChat messages to her fiancée.”

“Of course, it can also leave students even worse off than when they started,” Flynn said.

Kid Who Applied To One Internship At Last Minute Can't Wait to Spend Summer in D.C.

Public health sophomore Jared Dunham believed he struck gold last night when he stumbled across an online application for a D.C. based health policy think tank while surfing the Web. After taking fifteen minutes to write out a reportedly “incredible” application, he immediately started telling friends how excited he was to be in D.C. this summer.

“This internship is going to be amazing,” said Dunham with a wide grin across his face. “I was just surfing

BuzzFeed stoned last night, and when I clicked one of the ads it sent me to this think tank’s website. The deadline was coming up, so I submitted my resume immediately. I think they are really going to like my three months of retail experience and high school varsity football letter. I didn’t have time to submit a cover letter, but I think I’m a shoe-in regardless.”

Dunham added that he had even signed a lease for an apartment across the street from his future job.

Dunham’s closest friends report that he “will not stop carrying on” about the project he will apparently be selected to work on this summer. “We are going to be researching hospital drug administration policy, and we’ll even be working with some prominent congressmen! I’ve already got a zinger prepared for when I get to shake Debbie Stabenow’s hand.”

The Haskins Public Health Policy Institute, the organization Dunham claims will hire him, has refused to comment on his specific application, as they are too busy processing thousands of highly competitive online applications from universities across the nation.

There still seem to be some concerns on Dunham’s mind about working on the project this summer. “Since it’s unpaid, I guess I’m worried that I won’t be able to afford living expenses. D.C. is an expensive city. Luckily, I’ve emailed a coffee shop in the Dupont area and I’m expecting a job offer soon.”

As of this morning, Dunham has already told the news to his extended family, and has been discussing the possibilities of a long-distance relationship with his serious girlfriend.

Saying that reserves of the precious resource had run desperately low, sources close LSA sophomore Derek McKinley confirmed that the 20-year-old linguistics major was carefully rationing out the few remaining fucks he had to give about his mounting personal, professional and academic obligations this semester.

“At the nine-week mark, every last fuck counts,” said McKinley with drooping, bloodshot eyes. “If I want to make it to May in one piece, I can’t go giving out fucks willy-nilly now.”

“A statistics problem set here, a trip to CVS there––even a lengthy text response to my girlfriend. Believe me, that shit all adds up. Now, I can’t even bring myself to mark a CTools notification as read.”

When asked how he had found himself in this predicament, McKinley admitted that he may have given fucks too generously at the beginning of the term.

“We’re talking color-coded class binders, fully-stocked pencil cases, a juiced-up portable iPhone battery and

daily trips to CCRB,” he said. “Reading responses? Typed-up and submitted a day early. Laundry? Ironed, folded, and smelling like fuckin’ fresh morning dew.”

“Hell, I was even thinking about getting a job. One where they pay you to show up and do things you didn’t already have to do,” McKinley explained.

In the end, McKinley is confident that his limited weekly allowance of fucks will carry him through to the end of the term with his academic standing in tact.

“Then, I can focus all my energy on this sick 3-month, full-time internship I’ve got in Chicago. It’s unpaid, but my hiring prospects will be killer if I just work my ass off from May to August.”

Burnt-Out Student Carefully Rationing Out Semester’s Few Remaining Fucks To Give

Reportedly left dumbfounded by the heartfelt, handwritten message from his grandmother that included nothing of monetary value, sophomore Caleb Hirsch found himself unable to discern on Wednesday his grandmother’s motivation for wishing him well without also furnishing her “favorite and only” grandson with a penny of spending money.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Hirsch. “I’m always touched to get a thoughtful note asking about how classes are going and whether I’m staying warm––so long as there’s some green tucked inside.”

“I thought Grandma and I were on the same

page with that,” the 20-year-old full-time student continued.

The letter, which described in detail his grandmother’s recent trip to the movies to see Unbroken, as well as how the cats were getting along, prompted Hirsch to ruminate on whether he’d somehow slighted his grandmother during a recent phone call, or if her memory was going––which he feared could mean an end to the long, robust Hirsch family tradition of receiving cold hard cash from elderly relatives.

“I couldn’t help but read between the lines,” he said. “Grandma said she was doing fine, but I couldn’t help but wonder if her omission of cash

was telling me more about her deteriorating mental state than words ever could.”

Hirsch admitted that he did feel “somewhat guilty” for assuming that his grandma would send money every time she got in touch with him, but he also stated that he would be sure to text his sister at Northwestern to see if she got a similar card and whether or not it contained “any money, or a gift card or something.”

At press time, Hirsch was formulating a thoughtful reply concerning his grandpa’s sciatica that was sure to net him $20 and some Peeps come Easter.

Grandma Sends Mysterious Card Containing Well Wishes, No Money

After the success of a number of reality cooking shows, the Food Network recently aired its new show “Cooking with Your Roommate’s Food,” starring Guy Fieri. With a selection of

student guests and their irritated roommates, “Cooking with Your Roommate’s Food” is a high stakes competition in which cooks must race against the clock to prepare a meal using only

ingredients from the fridge marked by their roommates.

“We’ve been looking for something fresh in the cook-off genre,” stated Executive Producer Michael Torres. “In the past, we’ve tried spicing things up by restricting chefs to what they could find in a supermarket, or letting them sabotage each other, but the roommate tension dynamic takes it to a whole other level.”

Many contestants were particularly excited that the show teaches beginners the art of dorm cooking. “My parents are always saying I need to learn to cook if I’m ever going to live on my own in the real world,” said engineering sophomore Dan Schultz. “Thanks to this show, I finally know how to make some killer ramen and microwaved salmon, especially while violating my roommate’s personal space.”

At the end of each episode, the chefs bring in their roommates to taste their creations. “This part’s always my favorite,” said host Guy Fieri. “Usually we don’t even have to bring them in ourselves; one will just burst in and start ranting about how his name was clearly written on the tin and how he ‘wouldn’t mind if you paid for snacks once in a fucking while.’”

New Reality Cooking Competition Serves Up Fresh Take on Cooking With Your Roommate's Food

Student Taking Way Too Many Notes During Psych 111 Relationships Lecture

Much to the secondhand embarrassment of his peers, freshman Evan Dermitt reportedly spent the entirety of Wednesday’s Intro to Psychology lecture on interpersonal relationships writing uncharacteristically detailed notes.

Dermitt’s atypically high level of engagement drew the attention of Dermitt’s classmate Paul Chen, who emphasized that this phenomenon left him both impressed and “bummed out.”

“Evan hasn’t taken a note in his life,” Chen said. “He doesn’t even have a psych notebook. He just pulled out the back of a failed orgo test and started writing things about similarities between partners and what causes animosity in a relationship.”

Writing over 1,000 words about emotional intimacy and the science of attraction, Dermitt cast furtive glances across the classroom to check if anyone had noticed the conspicuous volume of information he was taking in. Despite never having had a girlfriend, boyfriend, or any kind of significant romantic interest in his life, the freshman’s notes reportedly phrases like “remember this!” and “IMPORTANT” peppered throughout.

“I noticed Evan’s commitment to the lecture from two rows back,” said nearby student Abigail Mueller. “I can’t help but wonder if has doing this on purpose, like as a performance art piece. This isn’t even going to be on the final.”

Professionals in the department seemed to feel the same way as the student’s peers. Graduate student instructor David Lee voiced the same concerns as Mueller and Chen, adding that “we usually like to see students taking initiative. Evan has gotten Cs on his first two exams in this class, so it’d be great to see some improvement out of him.

“However,” added Lee, “his behavior in this particular lecture was just lame. I feel kind of bad for the kid.”

When reached for comment, Dermitt denied that his level of notetaking was abnormal. Additionally, Dermitt suggested that the professor spend more time discussing how to ask girls out.

PAGE 4 PAGE 5

Said the student, "Sigh."

As always, male visitors must leave the séance before 7 p.m.

Dunham has reportedly already found a great apartment in the neighboorhood.

Host Guy Fieri suggest spicing up your roommate’s spaghetti with your roommate's Sriracha.

NATIONALNBC to Debut Much-Anticipated Talent Show 'America's Got Judges'

Study: 47% of Americans Unable to Identify Their Congressman's Killer

A recent poll released by the Annenberg Public Policy Center revealed that, when prompted, nearly 50% of U.S. citizens were unable to provide the identity of their congressman’s assassin.

“The report is a startling reminder of the general populace’s apathy towards politics, as well as acts of revenge,” said Jodi Gottlieb, head of the study.

“It really causes one to question whether or not our civics classes are

doing enough to educate students about federal government, or ways to spot the criminal types and make tough judgment calls under pressure.”

While 47% polled could identify the killer in power in their jurisdictions, Gottlieb confirmed that only 12% of those people were willing to then murder him or her in retaliation.

For her part, Gottlieb reported that she would not rest until her senator had been avenged.

Citing the concept’s exceptional performance in nationwide focus groups, NBC announced Tuesday that their newest talent show, “America’s Got Judges”––in which contestants will be judged on their ability to judge by a panel of judges––is scheduled for a much-anticipated primetime debut this fall.

“Judging has always been in America’s DNA. Whether it’s quietly sizing up commuters on the bus, noisily shaming a mom at the supermarket, or crushing a person’s dreams of stardom on national TV––we all appreciate the art of having and sharing strong opinions,” said NBC spokesperson Chris Westwood in a

statement earlier this week.Westwood went on to explain that

being excessively critical of others was a “national pastime” that NBC sought to honor with its new reality show.

“Who hasn’t sat down to watch ‘The Voice’ and thought to themselves, ‘I could totally tear this guy to shreds way more abusively than Adam Levine?’ We’re just giving Americans an opportunity to prove their ability to be compulsively judgmental on the national stage,” continued Westwood.

Contestants will be assigned to a team that will constitute his or her panel. Each team of judges will be asked to critique a multitude of acts, from aspiring young singers to

performing ferrets.Though negative criticism will

reportedly factor in as a key aspect of each contestant’s judgmental repertoire, the ability to balance heartless criticism with occasional bouts of self-indulgent praise will also be under the microscope of the star-studded lead judging panel, which is rumored to include such greats as David Hasselhoff and Simon Cowell, with potential guest appearances by several of the nation’s mother-in-laws.

At press time, several “America’s Got Judges” hopefuls were seen preparing for the show’s late April auditions by publishing thinkpieces criticizing the entire premise of the show.

Family Expected Bit More From Grandfather's Dying Wisdom

In an underwhelming attempt to impart some kind of life lesson to his surviving relatives before passing away peacefully last Sunday evening, sources confirmed that area grandfather Harold Gargery’s words of dying wisdom fell “noticeably short” of expectations.

The 87-year-old’s last words, which presented no mystery, splendor, or elevated understanding of human existence, were described by those present during his final hours as “regrettably banal” and “thoroughly unimaginative… probably lifted from It’s A Wonderful Life or some feel-good parade of clichés like that.”

Reportedly, Gargery’s extended family were sorely disappointed that in his nearly nine decades on this planet, the retired civil engineer had failed to

develop any unique perspective on life that went beyond the sophistication of a mid-rate Hallmark greeting.

“Harold was a good man,” said his wife of 58 years, Debora Gargery. Yet sources confirm that witnessing his dying breath wasn’t nearly as disheartening for Gargery’s wife as hearing his stale, uninspiring last words.

“Harry was a war vet for crying out loud. There must’ve been something worth saying hidden up his sleeve––something about a forgotten lov echild from the Korean War, or even a stage-whispered diatribe against Obamacare,” his wife added.

Reportedly, Gargery’s death will be remembered by his family as “tragic, but not nearly as much of a loss as it could have been had he held any sort

of poignant wisdom whatsoever.”“I don’t want to speak ill of the

dead,” said son James Gargery, 48. “But I flew all the way out here from Seattle for Dad’s last days, so you can’t blame me for expecting a little more flair from the guy’s last words. A little showmanship, you know?”

“Dad really just phoned it in with this one,” James added.

Reportedly, the family had difficulty recalling the dying man’s exact words.

“It was something to the tune of, be true to yourself, or, listen to your heart, but I really don’t remember,” James admitted. “Honestly, I feel like most of what he said was just based off of Thoreau or something he read in a travel magazine.”

“And that really bums me out too,” he continued. “I was hoping to prove my father was a role model for my kids, but now I’m just hoping they think I got more of Mom’s good genes instead.”

Even the youngest of the Gargery family seemed underwhelmed by her

grandfather’s last remarks. “I was really hoping to take away

something about how to treat people, or what it means to love,” said Emily

Gargery, 11.“Now I guess I just have to wait

another couple months until Nana dies.”

87-Year-Old’s Last Words Fail to Present Any Elevated Understanding of Human Existence

CAMPUSArchaeologists Uncover Proto-Yik Yak in Angell Hall Bathroom Stalls

THIRD STALL ON THE LEFT—Paleontologists were shocked to discover what they are now calling “Proto-Yik-Yak” style writing in an Angell Hall bathroom stall early Tuesday. It is one of the earliest known attempts of anonymous writers making humorous observations for the enjoyment of others.

“Since the recent popularity explosion of Yik Yak, many in the scientific community have wondered where the origin of this phenomenon

could be traced to,” said lead researcher Carol Friedman. “I mean Yik Yak users—and lets face it, they’re mostly freshmen—are making asinine comments, yet are then rewarded with a feeling of creativity and originality. With this breakthrough in the evolutionary timeline, it turns out people have been scrawling stupid shit on bathroom stalls since life originated.”

The researchers were originally shocked to find that the two formats, Yik Yaks and Angell

Hall bathroom graffiti, share a significant amount of similarities. Bathroom stall writings, often employing some sort of prehistoric marking device, even appear to have an early version of the up vote/down vote feature, in which unpopular postings were simply scribbled over.

“Their commonalities are striking. Many of the early bathroom writings touch on the same subjects of school, drinking and pussy that we now find incredibly popular on Yik Yak,” said Friedman. “We’ve have even found pathetic attempts of courtship on both platforms.”

The research team feels the belief that one’s point of view is superior and deserves an audience, along with general boredom associated with sitting on the toilet, were the primary motivations of the authors of early bathroom messages. Today, similar motivations compel Yik Yak users.

“Some of the early authors decided that this was the forum to express their now antiquated views on race, the difficulties of attending Michigan or how much wiping sucked,” said Friedman. “Alternatively, others used this opportunity to simply draw pictures of penises in interesting positions, most notably the famous “lobster cock,” which we believe may have been some sort of local deity.”

However, the scientific community continues to wonder why people painfully labor away in anonymity, creating such consistently unfunny content, when they could just as easily write for the Gargoyle.

PAGE 6 PAGE 7

A scientist points out one of the many references to Carl, a highly divisive figure.

He died as he lived: forgettably.

‘If You Get Mugged Under The Engineering Arch, That Person Will One Day Be Your Murderer,’ Explains Campus Tour Guide

While giving a tour of Central Campus to prospective undergrads, Ford senior Ronald Kip provided a run-down on many U of M myths, most notably that of the fabled West Hall arch.

“Some people say it’s a University old wives’ tale, but take caution, newbies—if you’re underneath the West Hall arch with, uh, let’s say, another special person late at night—you know what I’m talking about,” Kip started. “And they come up behind you and threaten your life in order to try to steal your wallet—the story goes, that brute will one day be your killer.”

Kip energetically told the group all of the usual legends and superstitions while standing on the steps of Hatcher Graduate Library, but reportedly took a strange obsession with this more recent tall tale.

“Avoid stepping on this at all costs!” Kip said while goose-stepping toward and gesticulating at the block ‘M’ on the Diag. “You don’t want to fail your first blue book exam! Or have your one-day killer scope you out while you’re in plain sight, central to the Diag, approaching the West Hall arch.”

Many of the high school students and parents reported that they were taken aback by Kip’s presentation, especially since he seemed to shoehorn references to the same “upsetting” legend as the day went on.

“Despite everything, Ron gave some solid advice, I guess,” high school senior Hannah Dunstan said. “He told us if we’re coming home by ourselves late at night and are thinking about crossing through the arch, just try to get mugged somewhere else. No curse!”

“According to legend,” he added. “And, by god, if you do get mugged, above all else, try not to kiss the thief!”

If you just stand there and stare longer, then they’ll put more toppings on. It feels weird, but it’s worth it. – On ordering at Subway

The Honorable Judge Clarence Thomas is rumored to guest star in Episode 8.

NATIONAL

Recently laid off for a lack of demonstrated value to his department, former purchasing analyst Gerald Donahue has displayed even less value in his new role as stay-at-home-dad, sources within the home reported.

“He used to be too busy to come to my baseball games or help me with my homework, but now he’s trying to be a ‘more involved father,’” said son Kenny Donahue. “My friends used to think my father was too busy to pay attention to his son’s life, but now they just know he’s lame.”

“I used to wish my Dad would be home more often. Now I’ve learned to be more careful what I wish for,” added Kenny, whose nights of eating TV dinners and playing Call of Duty online have been replaced with father-son bonding.

Donahue’s wife, Carol, is gainfully employed, earning enough income so that her husband can afford to be a stay-at-home dad.

“If Mom picked us up from school, that would be kind of lame,” said 15-year-old daughter Sydney. “But when Dad comes around with his Chrysler Pacifica, all the other kids make fun of me.”

While Donahue’s time away from work has allowed him to focus on cleaning, home improvement work and cooking meals for the rest of his family, Sydney has found difficulties with her father’s constant presence.

“All my cool friends have distant fathers,” said Sydney, whose home life has become too stable to develop the moody teen phase she dreamed of as a young child. “If this goes on for much longer, I might avoid psychological damage altogether. It’s just so frustrating.”

Mr. Donahue was unavailable for comment, as he was scheduling a playdate, the prospect of which caused his three-year-old child to cringe.

Area man Carl Hammond allowed himself a warm dose of self-congratulations after a walk past a homeless man Thursday night, triggering a daydream in which Hammond gave the man his first meal in days.

Hammond reported that he passed homeless man Andrew Rickon without making eye contact, unsure of whether or not he was carrying cash. Approximately 20 yards past, however, Hammond imagined what it would have been like to stop and buy Rickon a sandwich, thus plunging the man into a spiral of guilt-suppressing fantasies in which Hammond genuinely felt the joy of giving back.

“It was pretty cool to imagine the smile on his face,” said Hammond. “I mean, it’s crazy to think how something so small can make such a big difference to a person who has nothing, even if the act is completely imaginary.”

Hammond said that the hypothetical action and Rickon’s imagined response of praising Hammond and breaking down

into tears of joy warmed his heart and reminded him of how easy it is to think about helping others.

“Sure, he didn’t actually give me any food,” said Rickon, who was impressed by Hammond’s imaginary actions, “but it’s the thought that counts! The fact that he took time out of his day to briefly consider helping out a total stranger really warms my heart!”

Hammond’s fantasy reportedly continued to spiral to larger and larger degrees of self-congratulatory heroism, to the point where Hammond imagined himself becoming national news and being lauded by his coworkers, neighbors, and ex-wife.

“I’m no hero,” Hammond assured reporters at the scene. “Anyone can imagine themselves giving back to the community, even in ways that seem small. Every bit counts!”

At press time, Hammond was picturing himself starting a charity for homeless youth, while tossing the last half of his leftover Panera Italian combo into the garbage can.

Fantasy of Buying Homeless Man Sandwich Enough to Suppress Area Man’s Guilt for Entire Month

Unemployed Dad Even Less Wanted at Home

Windows 10 to Feature New, Fully Customizable Home-Screen Clusterfuck

‘Boys Are Mean to Girls They Like,’ You Tell YourselfFollowing Saturday night’s snide

comments and eye rolls, sources report that you will tell yourself, once again, “It’s fine, because boys are mean to girls they like,” before quietly walking home to eat cold grilled cheese alone on the kitchen floor.

“They just like to tease me, that’s all,” you reportedly said under your breath as you were systematically inched out of a conversation circle last Saturday, confirming your suspicion that the boys with whom you were conversing were engaging you in a sexually charged game

of cat-and-mouse.Sources have confirmed that these types

of interactions aren’t unusual for you, and that you’re well-practiced in offering dazzling smiles in exchange for insults. Furthermore, sources have expressed their astonishment at your ability to convince yourself that remarks such as “don’t you have anything better to do?” “you smell like beans,” and “I didn’t invite you here—you need to leave” are really just the male species’ way of engaging in “playful, rascally flirtation.”

It is reportedly likely that you will remind

yourself that males mature at a slower rate than females, and that most college-aged men don’t yet have the emotional fortitude to appropriately express their feelings. Their lack of maturity, you’ll think, often manifests itself in actions such as hug-avoidance, excuse-making, and requests to “please never text this number again.”

Sources suggest that after approximately two more failed interactions, you will con yourself into believing that most boys are simply intimidated by you.

Citing Microsoft’s new operating system as a breakthrough in user-centered design, the technology website Wired reported Thursday that Windows 10 will give PC users an unparalleled ability to customize the focal

point of the new user interface: the home screen clusterfuck.

“We’ve got five weather panels, three to-do lists, a built-in Bing search bar, and a half-dozen email clients all crowding the fuck out of your

visual field with the click of a button and a few compound keystrokes,” said senior Microsoft project manager Henrique Malvar.

“Your computer, your clusterfuck. That’s what we want Windows 10 to mean to the world,” Malvar continued.

With the new clusterfuck, users will be able to turn every last pixel of clean, unused desktop real estate into a custom Yahoo news feed, an eBay auction manager, or even an online casino.

Andrew Farmington, a long-time PC user, received a sneak peek of the new feature at a Seattle tech conference last week.

“With its chaotic mess of boxes, icons and buttons, Windows 8 was definitely a step in the right direction toward Microsoft’s goal of an immersive, user-centered atrocity,” Farmington said. “But Windows 10 builds on that complete visual monstrosity with an unprecedented degree of personalizability.”

“I think PC users will find Windows 10 to be an eyesore with their names written all over it,” Farmington added. “In nine different fonts.”

Man Glad He Hasn't Suffered Enough to Turn to God YetConfirming that his life has been a relatively

smooth, deity-free ride thus far, local family man Ted Bookman told reporters Friday that he is glad he has not suffered enough to turn to the Eternal One for his answers yet.

Bookman, 29, has reportedly yet to encounter any life-altering, scientifically inexplicable events that would lead him into the comforting, though unreliable, arms of the Almighty Creator of the Universe.

“I’ve had some rough days,” reported Bookman. “But nothing yet has caused me to get in line behind the billions of people who hope their problems can be solved by some sort of Heavenly Father.”

According to reports, Bookman’s trick to making his own decisions as a free, autonomous being instead of bribing the Supreme Being with prayers and sacrificed lamb is to hold no

emotional attachments to anyone, to live life without passions or desires and to have the lowest of low expectations.

“I couldn’t imagine being someone who lost a loved one, had career ambitions, or was ever able to find God’s beauty in nature.” Bookman added. “I would be bawling all over that Bible stuff.”

Bookman’s co-worker and frequent churchgoer Frank Pratt reported that he could not understand how Ted has managed to go all these years without even once twisting the truth to fit his ideology.

“It’s hard to imagine how someone can live that long without feeling the need to fill the void in life life with fantastical ideas that make just enough sense for you to believe them,” said Pratt.

NATIONALWhite House Commemorates Obama Presidency With Historic Drone & Water Show on National Mall

As Barack Obama’s Presidency nears its close, the new White House Special Events Task Force organized a Drone and Water Show at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in an effort to commemorate his tenure in office.

“Since President Obama took the oath of office in 2009, almost 2,500 people have been killed by U.S. drone strikes, including several American citizens,” said Events Task Force Director Jay Richman. “Our Drone and Water Show was a fitting tribute to a man whose passionate work involving unmanned aircraft assassinations remains unparalleled.”

The show, which took place last Monday, featured a number of drone models that Obama personally admires.

“President Obama is particularly into the AQM-128,” said Richman. “The President looked like a child

on Christmas morning when it did its barrel roll, narrowly missing the Washington Monument. The AAI RQ-7 Shadow Tactical drone is also quite impressive, and when it made a stall turn right over the Lincoln Memorial, the Leader of the Free World was speechless.”

To fully honor his drone legacy, the show also included dramatic reenactments of Obama’s most notable drone strikes. “The recreation of American-born Anwar al-Awlaki’s execution without a trial or even charges brought against him combined with aerobatic maneuvers choreographed by professional drone pilots was my favorite part. In my book, it just edged out the deadliest drone strike in Pakistan, where hundreds of innocent villagers were blown to bits,” said attendee Shawna Edelberg. “I was moved to tears from the raw emotion of Obama’s accomplishments.”

PAGE 8 PAGE 9

To the dismay of many users, Clippy the Paperclip is a nonremovable feature.

Not pictured: the remodeled kitchen he promised his wife.

Said one tourist, “the missiles are so beautiful this time of year.”

Interested in joining the E3W team? Follow these 7 easy steps!

1. On the line below, write ONLY your uniqname and social security number:___________________________________2. T-Shirt Size? (Circle one) S/M/L/XL

3. Use hands/fingers/nails to tear off this box

4. Delicately fold box into traditional paper crane

5. Slide paper crane under door of E3W Executive Office Suites, 4002 Michigan Union

6. Be patient. These things take time.

7. Or, just send us a note to say you're interested. ––––> threeweeks@umich.edu.

Self-Righteous Prick Still Following Through On New Year’s Resolution

THE GYM—Although three long months have passed since area douchebag Steve Kowsky resolved to exercise more in 2015, according to sources, he is still going to the gym four to five times per week and letting everyone know about it.

Kowsky had much to say to reporters. “New Year’s Resolutions are a great way to change something

in your life that you’re not too crazy about,” he explained. “Whenever I see people who have given up on their resolutions, I immediately remind them that they are the only ones accountable. If you put your mind to something and give up, you’re only letting yourself down.”

After resolving to get in better shape, Kowsky joined his local gym on New Year’s Day, and he is not

hesitating to let people know that he still routinely goes. “I think I’ve lost 12 pounds so far. Before you know it, I’ll look as good as I did in college.”

Kowsky is also very excited about his future prospects, especially given his new “transformation.” He said, “Maybe I should go out there are show people how easy it is to stick to something and improve yourself. I’m thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.”

When asked about Kowsky’s dedication to bettering himself, his friend Willy Grayson said, “I’m shocked, given his past flakiness with resolutions. But I doubt he’ll keep up this obsession with going to gym, not to mention bragging about it to everyone he sees. In 2011 he said he’d quit drinking, and I think we all know how that one ended.”

Kowsky's on a first name basis with the gym attendants, and he won't let you forget it.

“

SPORTSUniversity Announces Plans for New Student-Athlete Academic Fraud Complex

Amid much anticipation, the University of Michigan Athletic Department unveiled its plans Tuesday for the construction of a new state-of-the-art Student Athlete Academic Fraud complex.

The building, which costs over $22 million and is slated to begin construction in the fall, will be dedicated solely to the advancement of fraudulent academic activities for members of the University’s 29 varsity athletic teams. It

will feature cutting-edge plagiarism techniques and will be fully staffed with tutors to aid in the athletes’ deceitful behavior.

The announcement comes during a transitional period for the athletic department, as the past several months have included the dismissal of Athletic Director Dave Brandon and the hiring of former Wolverine Jim Harbaugh to become the football team’s head coach. “Academic dishonesty is a cornerstone of athletic success here at the University of Michigan,” said Interim Athletic Director Jim Hackett. “Hopefully this announcement will usher in of a new era, one in which things like intellect and integrity don’t stand in the way of victory on the field.”

Hackett added that nationwide competition in the field of academic dishonesty necessitated the construction of the new building. He stated, “Universities across the country have become really innovative with their continued dishonesty in the realm of scholastic achievement. As one of the premiere institutions in the country, we’ve got to keep up with the times.”

At press time, Coach Harbaugh had already received several calls from recruits committed elsewhere reconsidering their status, telling him that they now understood “the Michigan Difference.”

Sports Media Still Divided on Whether Marcus Mariota ‘Sneaky Quick’ or ‘Physically Gifted’

Due to the Oregon quarterback's lack of clear European or African heritage, lazy sportswriters are reportedly still unable to evaluate Marcus Mariota’s physical skills based on his race. While the Heisman winner has earned praise for his athletic ability, it is still uncertain whether he is “sneaky quick” or “physically gifted.”

“Sure we all know he’s a great QB, but is it because of his scrappiness or his raw athleticism?” said Sports Illustrated columnist Dan Basset of the Hawaiian native. “I mean what type of last name is Mariota anyways? If his name was Marcus O’Mariota I’d be able to tell, but this one’s a real doozy.”

Several scouts, such as Tampa Bay’s Scott Costello, bemoaned the first Samoan Heisman winner’s indescribable talents, along with his unclear ethnic heritage.

“From a lot of his game film, he looks like a great pocket passer who can extend plays when necessary, you know, like an Aaron Rodgers type,” said Costello. “But then someone told me his middle name was Ardel. Ardel? I mean really? This guy is impossible to classify.”

Added Costello, “He seems almost like an islander version of Russell Wilson, but that

doesn’t feel right either.” In recent weeks, Mariota has been compared

to Florida State Quarterback Jameis Winston, also a projected first-round pick with physical abilities expected to succeed at the next level.

“When it comes to players like Jameis [Winston], you know you’re getting a physical freak with raw talent who needs to improve on his mental game. But Marcus could be the whole package, or none of it. I just can’t tell,”

said Costello, who posited that Mariota could be “a coach’s son or just an illegitimate father, or anything in between, really.”

At press time, members of the media agreed that Mariota had a physical presence most similar to fellow Samoan Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, if Johnson had ever played professional football.

Kentucky Basketball Leads Nation in Conference Wins, Player Salaries

Continuing their historic stretch of athletic and financial dominance, the Kentucky Wildcats basketball team remain at the top of the Associate Press Top 25 College Basketball Poll, as well as the Forbes annual listing of college athletes’ salaries.

“Kentucky basketball is synonymous with excellence, and this year they’ve fielded a roster that is unparalleled in the nation,” ESPN college basketball commentator Jay Bilas explained. “They’ve got so much talent, the only thing deeper than their roster is their boosters’ pockets.”

Analysts and casual viewers alike attribute this success in large part to Coach Calipari’s alleged recruiting strategie, the most successful of which is delivering a suitcase of cash to the player’s family in a dark parking garage.

“Keeping our team at the top of the rankings heading into March Madness is very important when it comes to seeding,” said Kentucky coach John Calipari. “And the best way to do that year-in and year-out is ensuring that we’re buying up the best recruits in the nation.”

Added Calipari, “a shoebox with some ‘extra padding’ helps keep our boys happy during the long season, too.”

Although NCAA athletes are not allowed to receive benefits, polling confirms that a vast majority of the public is well-aware that college athletes receive improper benefits, but many “honestly, don’t really care.”

Athlete's Performance Defies Hasty, Implicit Racial

Stereotypes

OPINIONI’m Just Building Character, And Your Son Is A Fucking Pansy

To start this off, I would like to apologize for letting our fraternity’s distasteful chants be known to the public. Our rituals are sacred and should never be shared with outsiders. I have caused harm to my brothers,

the gentlemen of SAE, as well as the larger student body of the University of Oklahoma. Shouting racial epithets is wrong when people hear you shouting them, and I should have recognized that. Although I take responsibility, the burden of blame must not only fall on my brothers and myself. The cameraman must also be held accountable because when I said these things, I did not know I was being filmed.

The University of Oklahoma’s administration and students have a right to be disappointed by my actions. While fraternity culture often includes and even celebrates implicit racism, explicit racism should never be displayed in front of non-members. I should have known better. But it is important to remember that I did not choose to be filmed, so I can’t be held entirely responsible for my actions depicted in the video.

At the time, I couldn’t even conceive that I

said would be recorded by a cell phone. Caught up in our traditional chant about racial exclusion and lynching, I didn’t have a care in the world, and also I was really drunk. Plus, I didn’t even think phones were allowed on the bus.

Had I known I was being filmed, events would have transpired very differently. I would have

chosen a slightly less offensive chant, a rousing chorus for my fellow gentlemen with a few less slurs. The old fraternity favorite “She Can’t Tell You ‘No’ If She’s Asleep,” probably would have been a better choice. The politically correct types would still have a stick up their asses about any of those chants, but they probably wouldn’t care enough to film it.

If I just could go back in time and change things, I would do it. I would make sure nobody had cameras, or check that Chad’s girlfriend was down with the whole “white power” thing. But I can’t go back in time. It was my lack of awareness that led to the filming of my grossly offensive chant, and I now have to face the consequences, not that I really deserve them.

In My Defense, Nobody Told Me I Was Being Filmed

BY THAT RACIST DUDE FROM ΣAEI’m just like

any other dad. I want my kid to have a meaningful experience out on the field while getting a little exercise in. I know it’s not about whether our team

wins or loses, it’s how we play the game. However, I thought it might be of value for you to know that despite his participation medal, your son is a deadbeat excuse for a shortstop with a bad attitude and a shit-eating grin.

Back in my day, tee ball wasn’t just “an after school activity”. It was a lifestyle. Done after school. Tuesdays through Friday. No excuses and no Jews. Now it’s all about making sure everyone gets a turn at bat and “what color frosting do we want on the post-practice cookie cake?” And it’s all because of your son.

Your son, who’d rather sit and pluck the dandelions out of his asshole than go anywhere near the ball. What happened to the virtue of a hard game played? What

happened to sportsmanship? Also I think your limp dick of a kid is addicted to Capri Sun.

Do you know what it’s doing to these kids psyches by telling them they did a good job even if they strike out? What it’s doing is making them feel like they are necessary and wanted. These boys are soft. Not that I would expect anything less from the sons of a men who drive blue Nissan Rogue hybrids.

When I was a kid, we were spanked and cried about it like some real 10-year-olds with fathers who had substance abuse problems. Now everyone’s up in arms because Captain “I’m Still Breastfed” over there doesn’t get to run the bases.

Not only will your son go nowhere professionally, he is also a lying cheat who wouldn’t know the proper way to wear a glove if someone personally taught him. Which I have done seven times so far this season.

And to you Sheila Dawson, who called the cops last week because I fed her chinless and apparently allergic son a peanut butter granola bar, please consider a military boarding school for your lackadaisical weakling of a kid. You will thank me later.

BY AN ANGRY DAD AT A T-BALL GAME

If I'd known I was being recorded, I would not have chanted those

racial slurs on that bus.

”

PAGE 10 PAGE 11

Not pictured: The Tom and Stacy Weingartz Center for Recruiting Violations.

Calipari is the only coach in NCAA basketball to run the check and go with actual currency.

Some analysts suggest Mariota's name sounds kind of Italian, so that doesn't help much.

Sometimes those corny cliches are right: family is priceless. But, sometimes you also need compensation for damages caused by negligible landlords.

I remember signing the contract to buy a condo at River Bay

like it was yesterday. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I was the first man in my family to own property. And I’ll never forget asking the realtor if there were any dangers we’d need to know about, or perhaps see documentation from the landlord about specific hazards to keep in mind. She said he faxed forms to her office stating there were no issues with the residence. He even specifically stated that no lead paint had ever been used on the premises. Of course, according to the autopsy of my eight year-old child Billy, that was not the case.

When little Billy died from eating that lead paint, we were lost. We just didn’t know where to go. Jane wouldn’t get out of bed. Zane stopped

playing outside. Lord knows how Mary and I dealt with the grief. Then a week after we put Billy in the ground, God bless his soul, I was driving down Route 448 and saw a billboard for a law firm that specializes in landlord/tenant disputes. After meeting with an attorney, we realized that although love has no monetary value, we were due more cash than our wildest dreams.

Billy was a great kid. He did well in school, played pee-wee football and had a nice group of friends. Sure, he liked to eat weird stuff, but what young boy doesn’t? I remember I ate an eraser every day of kindergarten. So I didn’t think twice when I saw him peeling the paint off the walls and chowing down like there was no tomorrow. Little did I know there wouldn’t be a tomorrow for Billy.

A parent should never have to bury his child. The pain of seeing that coffin lowered into the dirt cannot be expressed in words. I’ve learned that life is precious. You never know what day will be your last. Losing a loved one puts things in perspective. It’s family that matters most, and to put a dollar amount on a life would be absurd. But as our lawyers pointed out, Statute 57 Section 36 of the city ordinance illustrates that we in fact deserve compensation for our pain. $100 million is the least we’ll take.

You Can’t Put A Price On The Ones You Love, But Pursuant To Statute 57 Section 36, We’re Asking for $100 Million

BY THE PLAINTIFFS