Empathetic Communication: Taking Another’s PerspectiveWORKSHEET

Ann Turnbullturnbull@ku.edu

1. Think of a situation in which you or someone in your family faced a challenging situation and you dealt with a practitioner who you consider to be especially empathetic.

What did the practitioner do that you perceived to be especially empathic? How did you feel in response to the practitioner’s empathy?

2. All of us allow our buttons to be pushed from time to time by others, and sometimes this happens on a rather regular basis with some people in our personal and professional lives. Think of a “focus family” with whom “pushed buttons” has occurred for you.

Briefly describe what has gone on that resulted in your “pushed buttons.”

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3. Family scenario #1

You are the teacher of an inclusive preschool that meets daily from 9:00 a.m.-1:00 p.m. Most of your students transition from your class to various childcare arrangements in the afternoons.

One of the children in your class is Sophie, who is 4 years old, loves to laugh, and experiences Down syndrome. Sophie’s mother, Kim, is a single mom who works as a nurse assistant. Sophie’s father is out of the family picture, and Kim struggles to make ends meet.

You have just completed an IEP meeting with Kim, Bernice (Sophie’s childcare provider during the afternoon), and the inclusion specialist who provides support to you. Because Bernice does not have reliable transportation and babysits her granddaughter and Sophie, the IEP meeting was at her house.

Your heart sank the minute you walked in Bernice’s house and continued to sink even further throughout the meeting and afterwards. Your first impression was Bernice’s unkempt appearance and her messy house. She used several swear words and commented a couple of times throughout the meeting how much she was looking forward to 5:00 when she will sit in her favorite rocking chair on the back porch and drink a couple of beers. You weren’t surprised when she commented that by the time she was 20, she had 3 kids. You feel sure that she is a high school drop-out. The heavy smell of smoke in the house and the overflowing ashtrays of cigarette butts literally made your feel nauseated. Alarm bells are ringing loudly for you. Being at Bernice’s house enabled you to connect the dots between Sophie’s chronic cough/continual respiratory infections and her childcare situation. You are well aware of the bad effects of secondhand smoke, and you are feeling disappointed and even angry that Kim, as a nurse assistant, would allow this toxic environment for her vulnerable daughter. You also feel irked with Bernice whose lifestyle is very different from yours and the way you are raising your children.

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OriginsThis form is meant to take a snapshot of your origins, which we define as what you were born into and grew up with through your adolescence. Your responses are for your use in this lesson only. While you are filling out this form, think about how your origins have shaped your reactions to early intervention experiences.

a. How do you describe your family's income while you were growing up?

Low Middle

High

b. What level of schooling has your mother attained?

No High School Diploma or GED High

School Diploma or GED

Training in a specific trade after high school

Associate's Degree

Bachelor's Degree

Master's Degree

Higher than a Master's Degree

c. What level of schooling has your father attained?

No High School Diploma or GED High

School Diploma or GED

Training in a specific trade after high school

Associate's Degree

Bachelor's Degree

Master's Degree

Higher than a Master's Degree

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d. How much emphasis did your parents place on your educational success?

No emphasis Low

emphasis

Medium emphasis

High emphasis Very

high emphasis

What was your experience with disability while you were growing up?

There was a member of my family with a disability. I

had a disability.

I had a friend with a disability.

I had no experience with anyone with a disability while I was growing up.

Other:

e. How was smoking viewed while you were growing up?

People in my family smoked, and it was viewed as acceptable.

People in my family smoked, but it was not accepted by everyone.

Nobody in my family smoked, and it was viewed as unacceptable.

Other:

f. How was drinking alcohol viewed when you were growing up?

Adults drank openly, often, and to the point of drunkenness.

Adults drank on social occasions.

Adults drank openly but NOT to the point of drunkenness. Drinking

alcohol was not acceptable in my family.

Other:

g. How was swearing viewed while you were growing up?

Adults swore often and did not notice or mind if children swore. Adults

swore occasionally but children were expected not to swear. Adults and

children never swore.

Other:

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h. What role did religion play in your upbringing?

My family never attended religious services or discussed religion.

My family occasionally attended religious services and/or discussed religion.

My family was devout, attended religious services, and discussed religion frequently.

Other:

i. What strategies did your family use for discipline?

Physical: spanking, hitting, belting, etc.

Time-out, sent to room, deprivation of privileges, etc. Incentives/reinforcers

for good behavior

Very permissive, no explicit strategies

Other:

j. What is your gender?

Male

Female

Trans

k. What is your race/ethnicity?

Hispanic/ Latino

American Indian/Alaskan Native

Asian

Black/African American

Native American/Other Pacific Islander

White

Two or more races

l. Where did you grow up?

US-Northeast

US-Midwest

US-South

US-West

Other:

m. How would you describe the setting where you grew up?

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Large city

Suburban

Small city

Small town

Rural

Remote

Other:

5. Origins

How have your origins influenced your opinions about the childcare situation? How have your origins influenced your opinions about your focus family?

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7

a.

b.

c.

8

d.

e.

f.

g.

9

a.

b.

c.

10

d.

e.

f.

g.

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SELF-DIRECTION

h.

i.

j.

6. Life Experiences

How have your life experiences influenced your opinions about the childcare situation? How have your life experiences influenced your opinions about your focus family?

7. Values

How have your values influenced your opinions about the childcare situation? How have your values influenced your opinions about your focus family?

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Family Scenario #2

Kim’s first babysitter for Sophie came highly recommended as someone who does an excellent job of teaching developmental milestones to young children. This babysitter became very frustrated when Sophie’s development was so much slower than the other children’s. She told Kim that she simply did not have time to “do justice” to Sophie and that she would need to find another arrangement.

Kim was heartbroken that a door had closed for Sophie so early in her life. When she was growing up, people with Down syndrome were “out of sight and out of mind.” She worries constantly that Sophie will live a lonely, isolated life. Kim feels very lonely herself. Her only family is some third cousins that she’s never even met. She dreads holidays, because she always feels especially alone and sad. Kim wants Sophie to know that she is loved no matter what.

Kim found Bernice, a 67-year-old mother of 10 to care for Sophie. Bernice also takes care of Tina, her three-year-old granddaughter who is deaf-blind. It gives Kim comfort that Bernice has the patience to deal with Tina’s challenges and to teach her signing, so surely she will have the patience to teach Sophie. It also is comforting to Kim to know another family who is dealing with disability. Kim and Bernice’s daughter (Tina’s Mom) are taking their kids to the park together on weekends.

Kim is confident that this childcare door will never close on them and that they are creating their own “chosen family.” She can’t put into words how much it means to her that Bernice invited her and Sophie to celebrate Thanksgiving with the whole family. Kim can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to have over 30 people eating turkey together.

Bernice’s smoking is not a big deal to Kim. Her own parent smoked, and she believes that growing up with smoking is the best way to teach someone to never start in the first place. Kim is glad she learned early on that smoking stinks. She thinks Sophie will learn the same thing.

Empathetic Communication to Address Awkward Situations

You have been puzzling over how to being a conversation with Kim about Bernice’s smoking and your worry about the smoke being the cause of Sophie’s frequent respiratory problems and absences. The inclusion specialist, who was also at the meeting at Bernice’s house, pointed out that a single conversation might not result in a change in childcare situation or in Bernice’s smoking. Though worrisome, you felt some relief in knowing that you did have to immediately “fix the problem.” Instead, you recognized that starting the conversation, in a way that did not seem as an attack, was a worthy first step. You are just starting to meet with Kim which is at the regular teacher-parent conference appointment.

You: When we were at Bernice’s house, I saw how happy Sophie is with her.

Kim: Yes, ever since Bernice came to us, Sophie's a different child. She laughs more, looks me in the eyes, and just seems to be happier - of course, not all the time. Last night she was so

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crabby, maybe it was the heat. But since Bernice came into our lives, my little Sophie is a real sweetie more of the time.

You: I understand that Bernice is such a treasure to you. I also noticed how Sophie beams when Bernice walks in the room. You must feel such relief now that you have Bernice. I can understand why having Bernice means so much to you.

Kim: You got that right. I don't know what I would do without her . . . but I'm not even going to think about that. Bernice isn't just a babysitter; she's like family.

You: I am happy for you, Kim. Finding really good childcare isn't easy. Not only do you have someone you trust with Sophie, you are creating a family for both you and Sophie. I know you want what's best for Sophie. (Pauses) I know you don't want to do anything that might interfere with having Bernice in your life. I am not sure if it is okay to bring this up, but I am going to try. There is one thing that I have been thinking about. . . . We've gotten to know each other over the past few months so I think we can talk this through. (Kim looks up at you.) I know Bernice fills such important needs for both you and Sophie. That's clear.

I have noticed that Sophie is exposed to a fair amount of smoking from Bernice. This might be a touchy subject, but I was wondering if you might have some concerns about the effects of smoking on Sophie. We have been concerned about her frequent respiratory problems and all the times she is too sick to come to school. I sense that the secondhand smoke is not top on your agenda, but I decided to bring it up . . . just in case it might be helpful for us to talk about it. 

Silence in the room. You remind herself to pause. You silently count to ten and privately say to yourself, "Don't rush to say more. Just be present." 

You: Maybe this isn't the best time to talk about this - so let me know. But I thought it might be helpful to think about ways to lessen the amount of smoke Sophie is exposed to. Just checking in with you. Any thoughts? 

Kim: I'm not sure. (Looking away from you as she moves closer to Sophie.) 

A few moments of silence 

You: I really don't want to pressure you . . . in any way. Mainly I thought I'd raise it in case it's been on your mind.

Kim: Don't even think that I might ask Bernice to stop smoking . . . She'd leave me and my child in a second and then where would I be? So there is no way I am going to tell her she has to stop smoking. 

You: That makes sense, Kim. Bernice has changed your life and Sophie's too - all for the good. You don't want to do anything that puts the relationship in jeopardy. 

Kim: I am glad you get that. 

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You: I do. Are you okay if we take a few minutes to think about ways to possibly lessen the amount of smoke Sophie gets exposed to? 

Kim: Well, what did you want to say? 

You: This is a bit awkward for me, so hang in there with me for a moment. I am not sure of the best way to handle this, but sometimes talking about it gives me new ideas.

I was wondering what you'd think of working with Bernice to create a plan that exposes Sophie to less smoke. Something like . . . Bernice primarily smokes during Sophie's morning and afternoon naps, but in the kitchen, further away from the nap area . . . or maybe some other plan. What do you think?

Scenario #1: One Possible Response from Kim

Kim: I guess - I have to think about it.

You: That makes sense. This isn't an easy thing to think about. And, Kim, I know that Bernice and her family mean the world to you. I really get that, and I care that your world is made so much better by them. I don't want to make things harder for you, really. I just wanted to offer my support if this is something you think might be a good idea.

Kim: Like I said, I will think about it . . . I guess I have noticed Sophie wheezing more since she started with Bernice, but not necessarily a lot more, just some. I will watch it for a while. I need to think about this.

You: Okay. Sounds like a good plan. Let me know if we should talk more about this later on. Again, I don't want to pressure you - the bottom line is that Bernice is great with Sophie. She's been reliable; she and her family love you and Sophie as family; and you trust her. All of that is so very important. I understand. Thanks for talking about this with me, Kim.

You: Now back to Sophie and you. Now that you have had a chance to think about her IEP that we developed, are you thinking that there is anything we missed?

Kim and you have a conversation about the IEP and next steps.

Scenario #2: Second Possible Response from Kim

Kim: I am not too worried. My mother smoked all through my life and as you can see - I am just fine.

You: I get it. Thanks for not walking out the door (she smiles). I really do want to stand in your shoes and to understand to my greatest ability how very important Bernice is to you. I don't want

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to be a problem, but I wanted to start a conversation in case you had some questions or concerns about Sophie’s health and stamina. I hope that this doesn't interfere with our work together.

Kim: It's okay. You gotta do your job. But I don't want you minding Bernice's business or mine.

You: Well, I know that Bernice is a great addition to your life. I am glad about that. Sounds like for now, smoking isn't something that be on our agenda. Do you want to move on to talk about Sophie’s IEP?

Kim: Yah, I'd rather talk about what’s going to be happening with Sophie.

The conversation about the IEP continues between Kim and you. 

Later at the end of the meeting you share a few final thoughts. 

You: It was good to visit, Kim. Sophie is making good progress, and it's great to see how well things are working out with Bernice too. (She pauses). I hope you understand my intentions in bringing up the issue of smoking. I want only good things for Sophie, you, and Bernice. I don't want to mind your business or Bernice's. Also, I hope very much that bringing this up today will not interfere with our partnership. That's important to me. My top priority is for us to focus together on the things that will truly make a positive difference in Sophie’s life and yours.

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