www.theventnation.com2

The Vent Disclaimer: The Vent is a satirical publication and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. The Vent uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coinci-dental. Any statements made, expressed or implied in The Vent are solely those of columnists and do not represent the position of our advertisers, who do not accept responsibility for such statements. All characters products, & photos published in The Vent are trademark and © of their respective owners.

The Vent Magazine is a division of The Vent. The Vent is an organization devoted to enriching Corpus Christi through Print, Television, Film, Comedy and Music. Send all comments, and letters to: ventnation@yahoo.com The Vent: 361-549-6213

Editor in Chief / Creative Director: William Henneberger Managing Editor: Michael Henneberger Contributing Writers: William Henneberger Michael Henneberger Stella Starr M.A. Farmer Berto Garcia Zombie Art by: Russell Tippit

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Wake Up & Check This Out After going through all the necessary channels, and seeking permission from the right people, even after being rejected once, due to an uppity secretary, The Vent maga-zine was fi nally able to obtain the authorization to place the Vent in the Corpus Christi Public Library locations. All this… only to be taken down two months later. With-out so much as a call, the menopausal collective that is the CC Public Library staff took down our stands, after discovering a loophole that may possibly allow them to keep the Vent out of the hands of their patrons. “We are considering The Vent a donation to the library,” I’m told by Laura Garcia, the Public Relations something or other. “The Selec-tion Committee will have to approve it.” First of all, there is, and have been several local publications distributed through the libraries over the past few years. Why only now is the policy different? The truth of the matter is that there are a few library worker who do not like the magazine, and are looking for a way to legitimately remove it from what most people believe should be a literary sanctuary. Hopefully, the committee will have an answer soon, however if you would like to do your part, start dialing. The main branch number is 361-880-7000. Take a minute, fi ght through the fi lm of apathy that covers us all and let them know that you would like for them to carry the Vent.

William HennebergerLibrary Card# 2 3185 00447 7826 www.theventnation.com

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An Open Letter to the Corpus Christi Pubic Li-brary Materials Selection Com-mittee, I would like to take this time to supply your com-mittee with some information about The Vent magazine. Spe-cifi cally, information that may be vital in determining if our magazine meets ‘at least some’ of the criteria in Sections D. & F. of the Materials Selection Guidelines we were provided. In regards to the specifi c criteria in section D. of the Materials Selection Guide-lines, we submit that The Vent magazine quali-fi es under numbers; 1,2,3,4,7,8,10,11,12,13,14,15,18, for the following reasons:

Sec D. #1: The Vent maintains its ‘relevance to community interests both present and potential’ by giving readers a more detailed entertainment calendar than any other local publication. Aside from the event calendar, our writers also show-case local events with articles and interviews.

Sec D. #2: The Vent, as written in our dis-claimer is for readers 18 years of age and up, demonstrates a ‘suitability of subject and style for intended audience’ in that the cultural refer-ences in the magazine articles are designed to appeal to an adult audience.

Sec D. #3: Aside from local coverage; The Vent also provides comedy, culture and commentary on ‘contemporary signifi cant’ national news and world events.

Sec D. #4: The Vent has grown over the past three years in Corpus Christi and because of its ‘readability’ it has easily gained ‘popular ap-peal’ amongst all local adult demographics.

Sec D. #7: The Vent is a free publication for library patrons. The Vent will provide, twice a month, an appropriate amount of magazine copies for distribution in order to be considered ‘physically suitable for library use’.

Sec D. #8: The Vent is the only publication of its kind produced in Texas, and works with the best comedians and writers in Corpus Christi in order to maintain ‘artistic excellence’. Sec D. #10: William Henneberger, the Co-Pub-lisher/Creative Director, and writer for the Vent, worked for years as a news writer and producer for one of the top three local television news outlets in Corpus Christi, which more than qualifi es him as a ‘professionally signifi cant author’ in this area.

Sec D. #11: The Vent is (self) published locally and has garnered praise from other local peri-odicals including We The People, CC Maga-zine, as well as the KEYS Weekend Magazine.

Sec D. #12: ‘Critics’ and the ‘media’ have dis-cussed the Vent on multiple occasions. Local radio personality Eric von Wade has showcased The Vent on his program, and KIII News An-chor has mentioned The Vent several times on the news. This is aside from the numerous posi-tive comments received by the public.

Sec D. #13: None of the few local publications in or around Corpus Christi offer a comedic perspective on local events/news. The quality and style of the writing found in the Vent maga-zine is nonexistent in any other local tabloid publication.

Sec D. #14: The creative minds behind the Vent magazine are some of the best writers in Corpus Christi. They come from different educational, political and economic backgrounds, which makes for various opinions on all subjects.

Sec D. #15: The Vent is both ‘locally produced and locally authored’.

Sec D. #18: The Vent can be delivered at no cost to the libraries, and The Vent does not hold the libraries responsible for loss or damages of distribution materials such as magazine racks provided by The Vent. In section I. regarding periodicals, your guide-lines allow for publications that are of ‘regional interest’.The Vent consistently covers local news, re-gional events and area citizens; be it through satire, comedy and/or editorials.

The Vent thanks you for your consideration, and hope you feel free to contact the publisher with any further questions.

Once again, William HennebergerPubic Library Card# 2 3185 00447 7826

Letters to the Editor: send letters to ventnation@yahoo.com

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In an effort to cut cost, the San Antonio based Fast Food Company has decided to discontinue distribution of

‘Fancy Ketchup’ in all 700 of their res-taurants. A press release sent from the company on Monday stated that ‘by switching to ‘regular’ ketchup the Whataburger Corporation will save over $48.00 per year, and with the econ-omy in its current state Whataburger is looking at several more ways to cut back spending and increase revenue.’ Already some costumers are showing concern over the drastic change. In Whataburger restaurants all over Corpus Christi, patrons are stock-

ing up and even hording the last of the ‘fancy’ ketchup packets. “This is a terrible commen-tary on the condition of things”, says Joann Summers, Professor of Econom-ics at Del Mar College, and Assistant Manager at Whataburger store #334. “I knew things were bad when I had to get a second job, but now I’m really scared.” Countless customers have complained to managers, wondering why they have been paying extra for cheese all these years, if it only leads to cut backs. Long-time voice-over actor and Whataburger spokesman described

the changes saying, “When you think about it, it’s sorta like when your eight years young, and you come home tuck-ered out from a long day at school, and the good ole sheriff is at your house, and tells ya, ‘Son, your daddy done killed your mama this time’, nobody wants to be that kid. Instead, head on over to the nearest Whataburger, and drown your worries away in an ice-cold fountain drink. If that doesn’t work, then order up a pair of fresh, hot apple pies, and stuff em down your good ole fashion g*ddamn fat face. Cause if Whataburg-er can’t afford to provide us with that fancy ketchup, well then, I say it’s just about time for me to have a good ole

fashioned helping of buckshot, served fresh from the barrel of my Remington 12-gauge. Whataburger, just like you [gun shot]” A new spokesman for the company says that the Famous Mustard will also be substi-tuted with a lesser-known mustard, and that more cut backs are sure to come.

What-A-Burger Downgrades From ‘Fancy’ To Regular Ketchup

On November 27th, 2009, history will be made as the fi rst ever ‘White Friday’ takes its position. Mil-lions of U.S. citizens will take to the streets before the sun rises, in order to be a part of this momentous occasion. “This is a day, I never thought I would see,” declared, Kenneth Word-sworth, “Of course, I have nothing against ‘Black Friday’, it’s just good to fi nally have a change.” Experts say that with this new ‘White Friday’, people can expect more organized lines, little to no tram-pling, and an overall politeness never seen during a ‘Black Friday’. They are

also predicting ‘White Friday’ con-sumer spending to be upwards of 250 million dollars, up from last year’s ‘Black Friday’ spending $3,247.00. “What you’re gonna see”, says Dave Larry, fi nancial reporter for the Caller Times and racist, “is a lot more spending on higher end electron-ics, game systems, etc. Not like the last few ‘Black Fridays’ where consumers purchased mostly stocking stuffers. Some proponents of ‘Black Friday’ have already demonstrated their anger toward the new ‘White Friday’, and even threatened to institute a ‘Black Panther Friday’ on everyone’s a$$es.

History To Be Made with 1st White Friday

By William Henneberger

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Hanging Out (and hungover) with Tyson Ritter From All American Rejects By Michael Henneberger mikehenneberger@yahoo.com

It’s November 10th, and last night at midnight I turned 27 years old. The only reason I’m awake right now is because any minute now Tyson Ritter, singer of The All American Rejects, will be calling for an interview. Last night is a blur of karaoke, jager and pa-tron shots, and military dudes in sunglasses. This interview may be the last thing I do, because I’m convinced I’m dying. The only questions I can think of asking a touring rock star right now are in regards to beating this hangover (sidebar). Who better to ask? The Vent and The All American Rejects go way back. When we started our TV show, The Vent TV (2003, I think), they were one of my fi rst interviews. It was during their fi rst national tour, with The Riddlin’ Kids and Home-grown, in a small club in Austin. A few months later, “Swing Swing” was getting MTV airplay. You’re welcome, All American Rejects. The phone rings. It’s Tyson. It’s a few hours after noon, and he’s also just waking up af-ter a night off on their fi rst week

on tour with Taking Back Sunday and Anberlin—the show that will be rocking Concrete Street Am-phitheater on December 1st. “We had a little skate sesh [last night], and then went to all these different bars with different draft beer,” he says. Ugh, don’t mention the beer. “It’s our sixth date, and it’s like the best tour of my life.” That’s a surprise coming from a band that just got off of one of the biggest tours of the summer opening for Blink 182. “Better than the Blink tour?” I ask. “Oh yeah,” he replies, “…way better than the Blink tour. When we play these 2-3000 seat-ers, you can actually touch ev-eryone. It feels like a tour that’s already happened. It’s like that serendipitous, you know?” As someone who has been listening to all three of these bands since their fi rst albums (and Anberlin before they were called Anberlin), I have to agree with Tyson when he says this tour is a “per-

vertedly cool idea.” What does “pervertedly cool” sound like? Feel like? According to Tyson, it’s the “aggressive crust” of Anberlin and Taking Back Sunday “with a creamy pop center.” “I feel like The Rejects are a rock and roll band that pops like a motherfucker.” He declares. “And, Taking Back is just a heavi-er rock band, and it’s like when these two are pushed together, it’s just a fun night.” If you’ve ever seen AAR live, you know they don’t hold back. They leave everything out on the stage, sometimes even their clothes. “I almost lost my leg on this Blink tour,” Tyson recalls. “I did a knee slide, on stage, in my

underwear, and got staph infec-tion. That shit can kill you.” Providing no limbs are lost between now and Decem-

ber 1st, Tyson guarantees “this is the show that

people are gonna talk about.” V

Tell us your WORST REJECTION STORY and you could WIN 2 TICKETS & 2 PASSES TO MEET THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS & TAKING BACK SUNDAY, Dec. 1st at Concrete Street Amphitheater.

With a few platinum records on his wall, even Tyson Ritter gets rejected every now and then. “I keep going to this fucking bar in L.A., and they keep fucking turning me away, and it’s killing me. I think my ex parties there. So I cant get in, and it’s clas-sic. Last time I went there they asked “hey, are you on the list?” And,I said “yes, Abe Froman, the Sausage king of Chicago.”

Email us or message us at ventna-tion@yahoo.com or facebook.com/theventnation or myspace.com/theventnation. The winner will be notifi ed on November 25th 2009.

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Taking Time with Adam Lazzara from Taking Back SundayBy Michael Henneberger mikehenneberger@yahoo.com

To some, having a birthday on a Tues-day could be bad news. But to a bad alcoholic with a good imagination, like myself, it just means you don’t have to wait ‘til the weekend to celebrate. Normally, my job doesn’t require too much interaction with anyone – just mp3s and headphones. But, this birthday week—when the only present I received is either the longest hangover or the slowest death of all time—I interviewed two frontmen of two very successful rock bands. With a pounding

head, squinting eyes, and an upset stomach, I searched for salvation. After my night of Jager and Patron, or what Tyson Ritter referred to as “The Devil’s Syrup,” this was his advice: “This one time, I drank a bottle of te-quila, of patron, at the end of a night of char-donnay…and the worst hang over in my fuck-in life. I couldn’t stand up on my feet ‘til 6 pm. But, yeah, the best thing that I did for it…pancakes. Pancakes is the remedy.”

Three days into my birthweek, Adam Laz-zara kind of agreed:“The best hangover cure would have to be comfort food. Like the kind of comfort food you can get at waffl e house—the greasier the better.”

Rockstar Hangover Remedies with Tyson and Adam

Two days pass, but the hangover doesn’t. I’m waiting for a call from Adam Lazzara—lead singer of one of my favorite bands, Tak-ing Back Sunday. Seven years ago, I was one of the many people who picked up their fi rst album, Tell All Your Friends, and didn’t just listen to it, but became im-mensely infl uenced by it. I had just stopped singing for my fi rst band, and started singing for a new one. But, thanks to the perfect example of a frontman, Adam Lazzara, I wasn’t just singing anymore. I had learned how to perform. I had found Taking Back Sunday at the perfect time, and somehow, we matured at the same

pace. In the earlier years of my mu-sic journalism I had interviewed a couple of the guys form TBS, but never Adam. He calls from Latrobe, Pennsylvania. The last two nights, Taking Back Sunday co-headlined with The All-American Rejects in Foxboro, Massachusetts. It’s still only a little more than a week into the tour, so I ask Adam how things are going. “I think one thing that makes it really cool,” he says, “is that it’s three bands that are all linked by the common thread that is rock and roll, but each band has a different thing to offer to the show.”

Like tour-mates, The All-American Re-jects, Taking Back Sunday also supported Blink 182 on their big reunion tour this summer. How did they like it? “Touring with blink was

like a whole other beast in itself,” Adam recalls, “because you’re in these huge amphitheaters, and your playing a half hour set.” “How is this tour better?” I ask. “Well,” he replies, “we’re not in mega domes, which is nice. It’s just harder to get the crowd involved when they’re a football fi eld away from you.” As a fan, I appreciate that. I’ve seen TBS at least three times, and I like to be right up front singing along with every word. And, as co-headliners, you can expect a lot more than 30 minutes from the band. “We try to give each re-cord its due,” Adam states. Even though he has been quoted saying he has trouble listening to their seven-year-old debut, Tell All Your Friends, he says “its solely because I just can’t stand my voice. It’s nice playing those songs now, because now, with all the changes that have happened over the years it’s almost like a reinterpretation of it.” “Cut Me Up Jenny” is his favorite song off their new record,

New Again. “It’s unlike any song that we’ve written before,” he says, “and not just in the way it moves, but the vocal approach is very loose, and for me that’s real fun it’s just a fun tune.” But you can also expect the old hits that you love. “Cute Without the E” is a classic, and according to Adam, a popular request. “We always play it,” he says. “But, we’ve worked with the dynamic in that song a lot so I think it moves a little better now than it did.”Whereas Tyson Ritter says The All-American Reject’s set is “locked in,” Adam explains, “Something we started doing on this tour is each member of the band makes a different set list, and we’ll keep it for like three days and then the next guy will make it and nobody can contest it or change it, we’ll just go out there and see how it works.” With three gold records under their belt, that should work out pretty well.

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Fri. 11/13Equal People (Formerly 7G) – Padre Island Berger CompanyKoffi n Kats, Hell City Kings, Paul Sutherland – House of RockLATESHOW Drastic Actions, Avenue Rockers – House of RockGroove – Executive Surf ClubGirls on Jetskis, Cavegirl – The TexanFlashback – Brewster StreetBeg For Life, Antagonist, Walk The Graves, The Last I Saw, XL KIDS – ZerosLyrical Bynge Band – Tsunami Bar & Grill Scarecrow People - Big Daddy’s

Sat. 11/14Toast – Padre Island Berger CompanyIH5 – RevolutionJon Steele Article Release Party! movie premiere Jazz The Glass & artshow w Christian Wach – House of RockSean McConnell – Executive Surf ClubWhich Ways Ocean – The TexanMetal Shop – Brewster StreetPasadena Napalm Division, Oklahomos,Texas Hate Machine, One Trick Cobra, S.U.S.& Final Notice – ZerosAMA Music Group 2009 Bluesfest – Harley Davidson Concert GroundsShrimp Scampi and the Haunted Blues, Girls on Jetskis – Black Diamond Oyster BarDJ C-Los & DJ CJ - Big Daddy’s

Sun 11/15Solid Sunday – 4 Djs – RevolutionMongo Stereo – Dr. Rockits

Tues. 11/17Acoustic Tuesdays w/ Clarissa Serna – RevolutionDJ Dus -Big Daddy’s

Wed. 11/18DJ Mike Mo – RevolutionInsane Clown Posse – Concrete Street AmphitheaterThree Bad Jacks – The Texan

Thurs. 11/19Latin Night w/ DJ Joey – RevolutionCory Morrow – Brewster StreetCasting Crowns, Matt Redman – Concrete Street AmphitheaterDays of Reckoning, Oblivion, Sick Sanctuary – The TexanKyle Park – Executive Surf ClubCarridale, This Years Fashion, A Wreckless Divine, See You From the Sky – House of Rock

Fri.11/20DJ Mike Mo – RevolutionAnother Level – Brewster StreetLive Streaming DJs from Brazil, Spain, New York – Havana ClubProfi le (open jam) – The Mug RoomCat House – The TexanBack in the Day – Executive Surf ClubJamfoot – Padre Island Burger CompanyWind & Wave art show and movie premire (surfboard give away!) – House of RockPack of Wolves, Curse the Heavens, Stringer – House of RockFlatbroke -Big Daddy’sMongo Stereo – Out of Bounds

Sat. 11/21DJ Bobby Stump – RevolutionSing-Along Piano Bar – Brewster StreetLive Streaming DJs from Brazil, Spain, New York – Havana ClubHilda Lamas – The Mug RoomJohnny 5, The Typicals – The TexanMatt Hole and the Hot Rod Gang – Executive Surf ClubOutlaw Nation, Flatbroke, Jiffy – House of RockThe Rogues (late show) – House of RockDJ Jonny Hotcakcs -Big Daddy’sThe Electrotypes – Cassidy’s Irish Pub

Sun. 11/22Styx & REO Speedwagon – American Bank CenterDarius Rucker – Selena AuditoriumPhive – The Mug RoomSongwriters Showcase hosted by Rev Fred (Hobo) featuring Monty Russell – House of Rock

Mon. 11/23The Vent pres. Dine in & Dance, Sunday Night Scene, Friends for Hire, Lets Scare the Girls – House of Rock

Tues. 11/24Acoustic Tuesdays w/ Clarissa Serna – RevolutionDJ Dus -Big Daddy’s

Wed. 11/25College Night w/ DJ Mike Mo – RevolutionBleu Edmonson – Brewster StreetPaul Sutherland, Sweet Daddy – House of Rock

Thurs. 11/26Latin Night w/ DJ Joey – RevolutionThe Fill Inns – The TexanOutbreak, Soul Control , Golden Age , Darker Days - Zeros

Fri. 11/27Rotel and the Hot Tomatoes – Brewster StreetBar Nutz – The Rose Night ClubLive Streaming DJs from Brazil, Spain, New York – Havana Club

Killamora – The TexanFlashback – Executive Surf ClubThe Raspas – Padre Island Burger CompanyVoodoo Glow Skulls, The Toasters, Channel One – House of RockJiffy, Avenue Rockers (Late Show) – House of RockTrisum -Big Daddy’sThe Electrotypes – Out of Bounds

Sat. 11/28Live Streaming DJs from Brazil, Spain, New York – Havana ClubJohn Cortez Band – Brewster StreetEli Young Band, Charlie Robison, Bart Crow Band – Concrete Street AmphitheaterMarshall Infl uence – The TexanScarecrow People – Executive Surf ClubSupergreen – Padre Island Burger CompanyDJ Dus -Big Daddy’sMakeshift Skateboard feat The Periwinkle Massacre, Dead Sky, Drastic Actions, Darker Days & MORE – House of Rock

Sun. 11/29Songwriters in the Round w/ Rev. Fred – House of Rock

Mon. 11/30Megadeth, Machine Head, Suicide Silence, Arcanium – Concrete Street Amphitheater

Tues. 12/01The All-American Rejects, Taking Back Sunday, Anberlin - Concrete Street AmphitheaterOpen Mic w/ Rev. Fred – House of Rock

Wed. 12/02Beer & Berto Show, Comedy Videos, Trivia, Stand-up w/ Berto – House of RockMongo Stereo – Dr. Rockits

Send Listings to: ventnation@yahoo.com

Corpus Christi Entertainment Calendar

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Living The Dream: Man's Game Cammo and I pick up the Logan brothers, Bruce Logan and Hobbes Logan (who aren’t actually brothers at all), from the Amtrak sta-tion and head over to the New Holland Brew-ery for some beers. We meet up with Holland native Shane Prins who will be joining us on this adventure. None of these guys has ever met each other until today. I am the catalyst-friend who has brought them all together. I met Hobbes while working at his hotel in Omaha. I met Bruce (who I call Logan) while working at the happe-ningest bar in Odessa, TX about 6 years ago. Met Shane, through Cammo, about 2 hours ago. I’m certain they’ll slot right in with each other. After the bar we do some bumps and drive about an hour to Carlsson Manor, deep in the Michigan forest, and only ten min-utes away from the Rothbury Music Festival gates. We are greeted with a welcomed sur-prise from Mr. Carlsson. In the refrigerator is a large paper sack clearly marked ‘James, Jr.’ The sack contains moonshine. Three bottles of it! This is top-quality moonshine fi ltered prop-erly (heads and tails) that gives a great drunk without making you suffer. We will use the moonshine like a credit card over the next few days. Trade a sip for a sandwich, a glass for a gram, etc. Moonshine is the ultimate bartering chip at a festival. We set up our glasses on the large, steel-reinforced bar (which makes it perfect to dance on) that dominates the cabin we’re stay-ing in. I pour the sips. I’m a fi rm believer that you never pour a ‘shot’ of moonshine. You pour ‘sips.’ Moonshine is a drinking drink. It tastes good. You shoot tequila, you shoot jag-ermeister…you sip moonshine. We each take a sip. “Whoo wee! That is some power-ful and wonderful stuff!” My skin seems to fi t better. Any toxin or virus or bacteria in my body that is not welcome…just died. I sud-denly feel healthier than ever. My balls drop an additional 3 inches. “Let’s go visit Buddy!” I ask…not really a question, but I do need Cammo’s per-mission. “Oh, I don’t know…he’s probably asleep.” Cammo replies, but he’s already start-ed walking in the right direction. “Who’s Buddy?” Logan knows me well enough to understand that something in-teresting is about to happen. Buddy is the 350 pound black bear

who lives in a very nice cottage (for a bear) on Carlsson Manor. Ok, ok cottage is a strong word…but it is more than a cage. Cammo’s dad inherited the animal from the Manor’s previous owner who had taught the bear one trick. “Whoa! Does he know any tricks?” Shane asks. Cammo and I look at each other knowingly. We’ve been waiting for someone

to ask that question. Ten minutes later we’re riding to the nearest bar in one of the trucks that Cam-mo’s dad keeps on the prop-erty. Hobbes, Shane, Logan, and I are all crammed in the backseat. Cammo is in the

passenger seat. Buddy is driving. “Are you fucking serious!! When you told me that this bear could drive a truck I thought you were shitting me. You have got to be shitting me!!” Shane is ecstatic. We all are, quite frankly. Buddy knows how to drive this truck from the driveway of Carls-son Manor to a bar about 2 miles up the road named Alibi’s. Then, provided that someone brings him a 1 pound block of cheese, he curls up in the truck bed and waits until he’s called upon to drive everyone home. He drives quite a bit slower than a person would…but I wasn’t about to argue with him. Buddy pulls into an unassuming parking spot in the corner of the lot, under a tree. He doesn’t know how to use the door handle, so Logan lets him out of the driver’s seat. Buddy immediately jumps into the bed of the truck, gives us a slight growl to remind us of our cheese responsibilities, and curls up. We mosey into the bar and are im-mediately met by the glaring disapproval of the biker gang who has taken up residence there for the evening. Cammo calmly asks the bartender for a pound of cheddar cheese (an Alibi’s specialty) while the rest of us settle into a table on the far side of the room. Three Crown and Diets later one of the smaller bikers decides he’s had enough and scuttles over to our table. He says some-thing to Hobbes about wanting to dip his fi n-ger in his ear or some other terribly invasive and intimate orifi ce. Hobbes, of course, takes exception to this behavior and says as much. But before Hobbes can even complete his sen-tence, Cammo has reared back and thrown an aluminum napkin holder directly at the biker’s eye. It connects.

Very few people appreciate the mo-ment of ‘no turning back’ as much as I do. It is at the moment of ‘no turning back’ when most people freeze up and that usually offers me around 3-7 seconds to make my move before everyone else catches up. The napkin holder to the face is a perfect example. It’s just such a shock that the reptilian part of the human brain requires a few extra seconds before the fi ght-or-fl ight response kicks in. I take the opportunity to accomplish 3 things: I kick the biker just above his knee to hyperextend it, I jump out of my chair, and I bite the man’s ear off. My guys have already begun fl inging chairs to slow the arrival of the remainder of the biker gang. Ugh! I take something blunt and heavy to the back of my neck. Did someone hit me with a cast? Or a statue? I really don’t want to fi nd out. If this fi ght lasts more than ten seconds…we’re going to die. We’ve all

gotten in some good hits and now it’s time to make our escape. “Time to go, time to go!” screams Cammo and we start fi ghting our way to

the door. We fi nally make it to the parking lot where it becomes apparent that we are now losing this tussle. Let me rephrase that…we are now getting our asses handed to us and I’m going to start shitting on myself in the next 9 seconds. The worst thing that can happen to you in a parking-lot fi ght is falling to the ground. Unfortunately, this is exactly the position I fi nd myself in at the moment. I’m being tossed around on the asphalt by two large, leathery men who are formulating a plan which includes tying me to the bumper of a motorcycle and dragging my ‘faggoty ass’ around for awhile. None of this plan seems very appealing to me. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that, of my group, only Logan is still standing but the fi ve guys encircling him lead me to believe that he won’t last much longer, either. I consider the life I’ve led and decide that I am content. I close my eyes, try to relax, and accept whatever horrible death I am to be dealt… Suddenly, like an angel from hell, Buddy runs crashing into the fray with an earth-shattering roar and a swipe to a biker’s head. Jesus! An angry bear possesses a level of violence that is life-changingly terrifying. Oh! I never thought I’d be so happy to see that ugly motherfucker! He’s a fucking badass and he does not mind proving it. Goddammit

Buddy! I would hug you right now if I weren’t certain you’d eat my face off. Everyone scatters. Buddy is roaring and standing at his full height and swatting at anyone who comes too close to him. He catch-es one biker and starts jumping up and down on him with his full weight. There’s no way this biker could have imagined this happening to him as he went about his day. Buddy even-tually gets bored of using this guy as a trampo-line and charges at another group of bikers. I wonder what could possibly be go-ing through the minds of the bikers. Did they know the bear was with us, did they think that Shane was the beastmaster, or what? Whatev-er it is, they decide to beat a hasty retreat back into the bar, leaving us outside with bruises, an angry bear…and their bikes. It really is amazing how far 5 guys can throw a motorcycle if everyone is work-ing as a team, has suffi cient motivation, and a truck-driving bear running security. It takes Cammo about a half hour to calm Buddy back down. The bear refuses to drive, though, so he crawls into the truck bed and begins gnawing on his block of cheese again. I believe its Logan who drives us back to Carlsson Manor. We’re all too wired to go to sleep immediately, so we sit around the bar, sip moonshine, and tell each other our individual perspective of the fi ght. Guys always do this,

the stories never quite line up with one an-other…at least not for the fi rst 2 years the story is being relat-

ed…but this is where the bonding happens. We decide that it was all because of the moonshine we:

A.) Left Carlsson Manor to begin withB.) Thought it a good idea to designate a fuck BEAR to drive us to the barC.) Did not immediately turn around when we saw the row of bikes in the parking lotD.) Jumped right into a fi ght with a fuck BIK-ER GANGE.) Survived the fi ght….thanks to a BEARF.) Have the greatest story most of us will ever live through

We take four or fi ve more sips before plowing off into a deeply satisfying slumber. This moonshine is a man’s game.

M.A. Farmer Hippy...with money

“We will use the moonshine like a credit card over the

next few days.”

“Very few people appreciate the moment of ‘no turning

back’ as much as I do.”

“I would hug you right now if I weren’t certain you’d

eat my face off.”

V

Excerpts from the book 'The Weak Become Heroes'

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