UNDERSTANDING & CORRECTING CROSS-HIERARCHICAL PROTECTION – OCEAN 1

FILM TRANSCRIPT

T Tony RobbinsC Cloe MadanesO Ocean

DVD

C: Are you ever frightened about your children’s behavior? Are you sometimes truly scared or afraid for their life, fearful that they would hurt themselves or be hurt by others? This film will show you how to understand your adolescent child and how to relate to your children so you no longer need to be afraid. We start with Tony Robbins talking to a large audience.

T: How many of you have kids? Let me see a show of hands. [Audience members raise hands] Wow. How many have teenage kids? Meaning, twelve up, you know, that kind of thing. Good. How many have challenges with your kids at times that you don’t understand. Well even more hands than kids now, that’s interesting. [Audience laughs] K. Um, I think sometimes it’s because we’re judging our kids behavior and we don’t understand what’s going on inside for them. All we know is we don’t like the behavior ‘cause it scares us ‘cause we love them, we don’t want to see them get hurt. We have our own judgments about what that’d be and there’s a dynamic. Whatever they’re doing is they’re doing it to try to meat their needs but when you were a young person, every one of us in this room, you didn’t thoroughly understand what was driving you. Most of you are learning probably for the first time what’s driving you, some of you while you’re here. So, it might be useful to start with a young person so I wanna pick somebody that I see in the room back there that I know which is Ocean. Ocean, why don’t you come on up here? Give her a big hand. Ocean. [Audience cheers]

So, I happen to know Ocean and she’s been dealing with some shifts in her life. Why don’t you share with people what you’re experience has been. What’s going on in your life right now?

O: Um, for about this past two months, I have been smoking pot, and every now and then skipping school, and of course my parents don’t know. The fact that they didn’t know totally f[bleep]ed me right up. It’s like part of my language, but, you know.

T: How old are you?

O: I’m fourteen. So, having two separate lives, with my friends and at school and stuff, I could just be however, right, and they wouldn’t like care, and smoke pot or whatever, right, and then at home I’d be the way I have been before.

T: How were you before?

O: Well, I didn’t smoke pot, and I didn’t skip school, and I was focused on schoolwork and family and stuff.

T: What made that change? What made you decide that you were gonna start smoking pot and skipping school?

O: Well simple curiosity of smoking pot was what got me started, and then I kept smoking pot because I liked it.

T: Now what about your legs?

O: About my legs? Oh, right, right, right, yea.

[Long pause] T: Look at me. Do you trust me? Do you trust me to care for you?

O: [Crying] Yea.

T: To love you and not to let you be hurt?

O: Yea.

T: Do you? Then do this with me. OK? And don’t hold back. What about your legs?

C: Because Ocean is a family relative of Tony’s, he knew that she had been cutting her legs. Ocean appears embarrassed to talk about this and begins by telling the story of the events that lead to her cutting herself.

O: On Halloween I went to a party at my friend Sam’s house. We like decided to, we’d throw a party and have a couple of our friends over and, um, that night like all of our little group of friends like everybody had had little problems with each other and stuff and so everyone was like fighting and duh-duh-duh and whatever and finally we all talked it out and dealt with it and everything was good and my, which would be my boyfriend right now but we weren’t going out at the time, so the guy I liked, he showed up. So everything was like totally going good, right, for about two minutes, and then I had to go home. My parents came to pick me up and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t stay. Like I didn’t see what the big issue was for me staying there.

C: From Ocean’s point of view, the parents had given no explanation for why she had to leave the party. It’s quite possible that Ocean wasn’t listening to her parents, but it’s quite clear that her parents were not listening to her.

O: And then I went home, and then my step-mom, Barb, I could hear her like b[bleep]ing to my dad about it. Just like everything I do isn’t good enough for her, anything I do, duh-duh-duh, whatever, right, and he doesn’t know how to take that ‘cause, well I don’t know, he doesn’t know where I’m at or where she’s at really, but anyway.

T: What do you mean he doesn’t know where you’re at or where she’s at? What does that mean?

O: Well he doesn’t know, ‘cause he didn’t, he hadn’t talked to me yet, so he doesn’t know why I was so like upset about leaving and he, well obviously he eventually figured out why she got so mad is ‘cause I was so pissed off and she didn’t understand why I was so pissed off. Anyway. Communication…

T: And why were you pissed off? You were pissed off ‘cause that boy was there and you were finally connecting?

O: Yea, like he finally showed up, but also like me and all my friends were finally good.

T: Right, you just, going through all that stuff, right.

O: Yea.

T: Yea.

O: So, like finally our close group was great and then I had to leave, right? But anyway, so I go home. So I sat in my room for like and hour and twenty minutes just pissed off and crying and stuff, and they’re just sitting out there talking and whatever and so I’m in my room and I’m like, pissed right off, I’m like… I didn’t know what to do ‘cause I really didn’t want to be there. I wasn’t, I don’t know. I was contemplating like, “Do I tell them?” Like I want to go back but it just wouldn’t really matter anyway but whatever, anyway, so I’m sitting in my room for like an hour and twenty-minutes, just pissed right off, and then finally my dad comes in and then we get in a huge argument and…

T: What did you argue over?

O: Argued about why I was so mad and, and I told him like I don’t understand what is the big deal about me going and spending the night. One night. Like, Halloween’s once a year. One night. Even though there’s school the next day, it’s not gonna like kill anybody. He’s like, “Oh, you’re gonna fail your classed, you’re not gonna do good in school.” I’m like, “Dad, like chill out,” right, “like it’s one night. It’s not gonna make me fail my classes, it’s OK.” He’s like, “No, blah-blah-blah,” and he like totally got all mad. We got in this huge, huge fight till like one in the morning. I can’t really remember like what the big problem was, but like, I don’t know. We got in this huge fight over like just everything.

T: Yea but what was the core of it? What was the biggest portion of the fight? What was it really about? It wasn’t just about you not being able to stay there, was it? There’s something else that’s been a tension there for you. What was not spoken that you were mad about? What are you really mad about at home?

O: At home?

T: At home, what are you really mad about?

O: Well, it just really pissed me off that I couldn’t stay. Like, it really pissed me off because I really did not understand what the big deal was because it’s only night. Like realistically, if you figure it out, just take the basics of it, it’s only one night, and Halloween is one night out of the whole year, and he’s making this huge issue like, “You’re gonna fail your classes, it’s terrible, she’s gonna make you clean the house after, you’re gonna get no rest and they expect you to go to school, and duh-duh-duh,” and I’m like, “Relax!”

T: So what did you feel about that. That he didn’t trust you or he didn’t believe in you or he didn’t care about you or… what was the meaning you gave to that? ‘Cause it upset you. It upset you more that you weren’t there. It upset you that he didn’t what?

O: Like, understand. He didn’t get where I was coming from, and I kept telling him. Like, “I don’t understand, I don’t understand,” and he’s like, “Well I don’t understand why you’re making it such a big issue, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh…” I’m like.

T: Is that the tone of voice he usees? Wul-ul-ul-ul-ul-ul?

O: Well I’m trying to imitate a man.

T: OK. [Audience laughs, Ocean laughs] So, so you guys argued to one in the morning.

O: Yea.

C: The father stayed in Ocean’s room arguing until one in the morning. This is extreme behavior on the part of the father and indicates his intense involvement with Ocean. Tony knew that Ocean’s father had been an alcoholic and that the mother still was a drug addict. He also knew that one day, when Ocean was a toddler, the father saw her as an angel and realized that he had to stop drinking, and he did. Since then, Ocean was on a pedestal for him. She was the angel who had saved his life.

O And then I was really, really mad about the, wait, I have to think ‘cause I can’t remember that night, OK. Oh! OK, OK, [laughs] OK. Um, so whatever, we got in this huge fight about just that night and whatever, right? And then the next morning, OK. OK now I’m remembering, OK. Here we go. He ended up calling me manipulative, like a hundred times during that conversation. He’s like, “You’re manipulative, you don’t care about us, and duh-duh-duh. No matter what we do, you don’t care, respect it,” and all this

stuff. I’m like where are you coming from? Honestly, all I wanted to do was go to a party and you’re getting all this information like I don’t care, I don’t love you guys or respect you and all this and I’m like, wholly… he’s crazy. But anyway, um, so yea I ended up calling manipulative and then he asked me… Oh my God I’m remembering so much now. OK. Um, because I always want to be with my best friend Sam, like why wouldn’t I? She’s my best friend, right? Like we’re total buddies and stuff, and he’s like, “I don’t understand what this big obsession with Sam is, why do you always need to be with her, duh-duh-duh-duh,” and I’m like, “Cause we’re best friends…” right? Like, whatever. And then Barb, my step-mom, she ended up, um, saying during the conversation, “Are you sexually attracted to Sam? Are you like a lesbian with her? Is that why you need to be with her all the time? Do you need to see a shrink? Are you co-dependant?” Oh, that pissed me off. I was like, “Yea, that’s it Barb.” Whatever. And then that pissed her off, but whatever, and then she told me to have some respect and I just kind of sat there. Whatever.

C: Character attacks attributing traits such as manipulative, lesbian, or codependent are not a good way to have a discussion with a teenager. It is no wonder that Ocean felt misunderstood. However, the parents’ behavior is understandable given that at some level, they probably realized that Ocean was leading a double life, smoking pot and doing poorly at school, even though they didn’t know it for a fact.

O: And he asked me, he’s like, “If you had an option, would you go live with Sam?” and I thought about it and I said, “Well yea.” But then we ended up talking and then he’s like, “OK you’ve like twenty minutes to make a decision as to whether or not you want to go live with Sam,” ‘cause he was like serious about it. At least I thought he was. And then, well I had my decision in my head but I was drawing so I just stayed there and drew and kind of simmered down a little bit. And then I went back out and sat down with them and like my decision is I’d like to go live with Sam, right? And then he’s like, “Oh, you’re not going to.” I’m like, “Why did you ask me?” He’s like, “Because in order to… ‘cause I wanted to see where you were at. Because in order to see that I had to be manipulative because the only way to get through, across, or figure our where you’re at ‘cause you’re manipulative I had to manipulate you.” I was like, “Oh, thanks.”

C: Suggesting that the teenager can decide whether to live with someone else is a painful escalation of the conflict. This escalation was particularly painful to Ocean because she had been living with her mother until the mother’s behavior became so disturbed that the father finally gained custody and she moved in with him.

O: And the way it ended is he’s like, well he just pretty much told me to go to bed. So it’s like one in the morning, go to bed, wake up, go to the bathroom, come back, my bed’s me, and there’s a note saying, “We love you always, Ocean.” I’m like, oh, well, yea. So I was like what are they doing? Like where are they at? Like he’s like calling me a manipulative little like whatever, right? And she’s like telling me off and all this, and then the next day he’s all like, “oh we love you” and making my bed and making me breakfast and all this. So I’m like, what? They’re crazy! What are they doing, where are they at? Like, what the hell? So I’m totally screwed right in the head.

C: The parents are giving two incongruous messages. One message is, “you are bad and can choose to live with someone else.” The other message is, “we love you and want to take care of you.” This is called a Double Bind. A double bind occurs when in the context of an intense emotional relationship, a person is given two incongruous messages such as “I love you” and “stay away from me.” An important of the double bind situation is that the person cannot leave. This was Ocean’s situation. She couldn’t leave, yet teenagers do run away, and this was the possibility that opened to her.

O: And my dad drove me to school and every day before I get out of the car, I give him a kiss. It’s just like what we do, obviously, right, and tell him I love him, whatever, go to school, and the whole way driving there, I’m thinking like, “I can’t give him a kiss.” Like I can’t. I’m too angry. It wouldn’t be real, it would be fake, and I’m not gonna fake that. I’m like thinking the whole time, like, “Hmm. How can I get out of the car and try to avoid that awkward moment if he’s like looking at me or something.” So I’m like sitting really like close to the door, right, like ready to get out, like almost, almost went to go for the handle. He’s like, “Give me some sugar.” OK. That killed me ‘cause, OK, he said that, and then he went like this and then I just put my cheek on his cheek. And then he, I got out of the car and I looked back and he like looked at me and he was just like straight-faced. That killed me. I instantly started to cry, just started to walk away and like…

T: What did it mean to you?

O: The fact that I had to like reject him and not be the way I usually was and kind of like back off, like not accept his love. I like never reject love, like towards them. like I, it’s just so, like I’m always like, “I love you,” and we’re always so, we’re so close, right?

T: So why didn’t you just give him a kiss? Why didn’t you just…

O: ‘Cause it wouldn’t be real. It would be fake.

T: What was the question you had in your mind. How can…? First thing that pops into your head. How can…

O: He go from being here to here.

T: Hmm, from being here, which was…

O: Here to like total negative towards me like, “you’re manipulative and you don’t love us and you’re disrespectful,” and all this, “duh-duh-duh…”

T: Which really meant to you what? You’re what? What, all those words. You’re manipulative. You don’t love us. That means you’re a what? Tell me quick. That means you’re a what? What does that mean to you?

O: Bad.

T: Why did you smile when you said bad?

O: That’s why I told that whole, um, Halloween story is because that whole day I was like walking around so empty, straight-faced, complete… filled with so many emotions and confusion and like crazy. Just, I’d be walking down the halls, tears running down my face ‘cause I’m like, whoa.

C: The first reaction to a double bind situation is typically confusion and sadness.

O: And that night I, well he came in my room and, ah, he wanted to talk to me. I told him that I was gonna write him instead of talking ‘cause it’d be easier, right? ‘Cause usually when I have conversations with them and it’s like a serious one I just kind of take it, I don’t say anything. So while I was writing them a letter I cut my leg.

C: Finally Ocean answers Tony’s questions about her legs. This is how she got to the point of cutting herself. The pain of the father’s conflicting messages and his withdrawal of love was so great that she wanted to feel a physical pain that would block her emotional suffering. So when you were cutting, you were trying to accomplish what? Tell us what you were feeling.

O: Um, well feeling the physical pain, it was weird. It like slowly took away emotional pain.

T: I see.

O: It was weird. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.

T: No, I think I understand. And then it’s, you know, it’s like if you had a toothache and then I take a hammer to your head, you wont feel your teeth anymore.

O: Exactly. [laughs]

T: Did you have any thought about “I’ll show them” at all, at any level of your consciousness and maybe not consciously but unconsciously?

O: No.

T: ‘Cause you knew they were gonna see the scars eventually.

O: No they wouldn’t.

T: Pardon me?

O: No, they wouldn’t.

T: Well they have.

O: Well that’s ‘cause I showed them. Because I had to show them.

T: Why did you have to show them?

O: Because they read in my journal.

T: They read your journal?

O: Yea. My baby brother, he’s about fourteen months about. Barb came in my room. She’s like, she started off with Jacob was in your room and then she said, “He opened it up and I looked down,” and then she said that, “I read part of it,” and I was like, “Oh.” And instantly inside I’m like, “They can’t know this, they can’t know this, they cannot know this. This isn’t cool, they don’t need to know this, it’s not good, they can’t know this, duh-duh-duh.”

T: Why can’t they know it?

O: ‘Cause it’s not good.

T: But I thought you liked being bad.

O: That’s a different kind of bad though.

T: What’s different about that kind of bad?

O: That’s like a not good bad. [Audience laughs, Ocean laughs]

T: Now this is a really important question, Ocean.

O: Right.

T: Honestly, what makes something a not good bad versus a good bad. This is very important, for you.

O: My example would be like the “OK kind of bad” would be like calling out in class ‘cause that like doesn’t really matter, well to me or the other kids, maybe to the teacher, but whatever. That’s an “OK kind of bad.” The “bad kind of bad” would be like cutting yourself.

T: And why would that be a bad kind of bad?

O: Because it doesn’t benefit you or help you in any way. It just makes it worse ‘cause it just creates another problem.

T: OK. That’s fair. And so you didn’t want ‘em to know that you were making yourself worse.

O: I just didn’t want them to know period. And then, um, the day after, in the morning, she’s like, “We’re gonna go after school and like talk about this.” I was like, “OK.” So whatever, we go have coffee, talk to her. So me and her are good, she knows everything, I’m OK with that, and then she’s like, “Do you think your dad should know?” [laughs] No, I don’t think he should know. I’m like I, she’s like, “Well you… I’m not gonna tell him, but you are, ‘cause you know you’re gonna have to, right?” She’s not threatening me, she’s just saying, ‘cause she knows me, I can’t like keep that from him. But I was like, “Barb, I can’t. I cannot tell him this because he has me on this little pedestal and he thinks… He has this little image of me in his mind of what I am and who I am and all this, and if I disrupt that, it’s gonna like devastate him.

T: If he’s devastated, what does that mean to you?

O: That I’m bad.

T: Which bad, the good bad or the bad bad?

O: The bad bad. T: Is your mom a good bad or the bad bad?

O: I don’t really know ‘cause that’s, well ‘cause she’s not bad, she’s just sick. She’s a cokehead. She does crack cocaine. Yea.

T: Right.

O: OK.

T: OK. I understand.

O: Yea.

T: So, what happened? Did you show your father on your own? What happened?

O: Yea. Well what happened is, um, we talked and whatever and I decided that I was gonna tell him. So he comes home and then Barb’s like, “Ocean has stuff to tell us. She has stuff to talk to us about.” I was just like, “OK. I’ve been smoking pot and the day, two days after we got in that big fight, the Halloween thing, I skipped school and went and smoked pot, and a little while later I ended up skipping school again, I did the same thing, and, um, the day after the Halloween thing, I cut my leg,” then I showed him.

T: Did you tell him you were having sex?

O: Yea, that was the last thing. I’m like, “and I’m not a virgin.” And the reason that was such a big thing to tell him is because a couple nights before I told them everything, my dad was like talking to me about “hold on to your innocence” and “as long as you can” and duh-duh-duh, they’ll respect you more, and having kind of like a “sex talk” or whatever. And in my head I’m like, “Hmm. If they only knew.” Right? So now I’m lying to them about another thing and then Barb even asked me, she’s like, “Are you sexually active?” She ended up asking me three times, and every time I was like, “No.” But I didn’t obviously…

T: So what happened when you told them that you were? You told them you’d cut yourself, you told them you’d been cutting class, you told them you’re smoking pot, you told them that, uh, you’ve been having sex. What happened?

O: Um, well he kind of just took it in for a little while. And then, well he asked me why it was so hard to tell him, and then I told him like, “You have me on this little pedestal and you have this image of who and what I am, and I just didn’t want to disrupt that because I knew that it would affect you in like such a huge way.” Because like the reason, it’s not even just like a father-daughter like “normal” relationship, why he has me so high, it’s because my mom and stuff would always use me against him. Like I just found this out when I was talking to him that night. I was, he’s like, “Well, your mom didn’t even tell me that she was pregnant with you until she was five months pregnant with you.” I was like, “Oh…” And they had always told me I was two years planned. Right. Well then.

Anyway. I was like, “Oh. Well.” Right? But my mom had always used me against him which obviously crushed him because I’m just this innocent little baby and this little girl and whatever, right? He always was fighting for me, for custody, or to protect me, or to keep me away from harm, or hurt, or whatever, right? And also he had been a drunk all his life but I was what made him realize that he has to stop. He can’t, ‘cause he always tells me this memory he has. I was like two or one or whatever, right, just sitting on the floor, and I had like toys and stuff, and I’m sitting there and I’m just crying and freaking out and just looking at him, and that is like one of the biggest memories that he has, right, of what made him realize like, “I gotta get my shit together.” Like there’s this little baby girl in all of this chaos and mess and there’s on welfare and they’re on drugs and they’re drinking and there’s garbage and there’s no food and duh-duh-duh-duh. So I was like what he always says like his like angel which just makes it all the more harder for me obviously to be like “Hey Dad, I’m doing this and this and this.” It’s not even like, it’d be hard enough if it was just a father-daughter normal relationship, but add all that onto it.

T: So you’re supposed to be his angel and you’re not.

O: Yea.

C: It would be hard for any child to be put on a pedestal where she has to always be an angel and where the father’s well-being depends so much on her ability to be an angel.

T: So what’s happened?

O: And so he’s like, “So if you skip school or smoke pot, you’re not gonna be able to go to school. We’re gonna take you out of school, and then you’re not gonna be able to see David.” And I already at that point wasn’t allowed to see Sam anymore. He’s like, “She’s trouble, she always has been. Ever since she was around you, all you guys have been is problems for each other,” and duh-duh-duh-duh. So now he’s taken away my best friend already, and then he’s threatening to take away those two, but sure enough within the next two weeks I ended up skipping school and smoking pot. And then he didn’t let me go to school the next day. This was on Thursday. And then the next day would be Friday, and then he didn’t let me go to school that day. And so obviously I’m thinking well, they, he’s already threatened, and he’s serious. When he says something, he like sticks with it. So he’s said you’re not gonna go to school and you’re not gonna see your, David, whatever, right? So there’s no point for me not to honestly stay in my mind because it’s not… Me and them aren’t good, I can’t see my best friend, I can’t see the person that I completely, totally adore and love, and I can’t go to school. Why would I stay?

C: Caught in a double bind, Ocean had first cut herself in an attempt to remove herself from the situation at an emotional level. Now she decides to actually remove herself physically and leave. Remember that when caught in a double bind situation in an intense relationship, the only solution is to leave the field. Restricted, having fallen as an angel and feeling unloved, Ocean decided to run away from home.

O: Anyway, so the next day Barb was going to school to pick up my homework for that weekend ‘cause I had missed that day. So I was like, “OK, this’ll work.” She goes, soon as she leaves I go. So that’s what I did. I went and I show up there. Sam’s like, “Oh, you’re here!” Right? I’m like, “Run away with me!” She’s like, “What?” I’m like, “Run away with me.” She’s like, “What are you talking about?” And I had my bag and I was all ready to go and everything and then we decided that we’re gonna run away together and we were gonna go, my friend gave me twenty bucks, I already had ten so now we had thirty, and some, one of my friends had mentioned, “you can go stay with Sammy, she lives in Vancouver.” I was like, “OK, we’re gonna go to Vancouver,” whatever, but I stayed in, I live in Abbotsford, we stayed in Abbotsford, and we were just like running around in Abbotsford and hanging out with David and my other friends and people that we met along the way that go to like other schools and stuff.

But I’m walking and I look up and like, say like twice the length of this room, I see this truck. And I look and my Dad’s bumper’s like crooked, and I looked and I’m like, “Oh my God, Oh my God, that’s my dad’s truck,” and I instantly turn around and start walking the other way as fast as I can. And then the two guys that I was with, they’re like, “Hey!” and they yell it out. Anybody that hears them is obviously gonna look. I’m like, “Oh! Why did you have to say anything!” and Sam’s like, “It’s her dad!” I’m like, “Sam, just keep walking.” Then he whips over with his truck, and he has a bat, and I’m, she’s like, “What do we do Sam? What do we do?” I just like keep walking, I don’t know what to do, obviously, ‘cause if I run he’s gonna catch me and I don’t know, whatever.

Anyway, I had a hood on and he grabs me by the neck and whips me around, he’s got the bat in his hand and then he looks at me ‘cause I had the hood on, he just looks at my face, and then he keeps holding on to me, and he’s like, “What’s wrong with you? You’re stupid, duh-duh-duh-duh,” and then he like looks at Sam ‘cause she had a hood on too, he’s like, to see who it was, and then those two guys. He’s like, “Which one of you is David?” Sorry, I’m imitating my dad. I’m like, “Neither one of them is David, neither one of them.” Of course I’m like crying and like yelling and stuff because I’m trying to get them to hear me or whatever, but he still has a hold of me and he’s like whipping me around and stuff and he throws me in the truck, tells Sam to get in the truck. He takes her home and then we go home and I’m sitting on my bed and when he gets in like a state of total like rage, he’s like, “I promised myself today that I was gonna hurt two people: you and David.”

C: Violence is never a solution to a parent-child conflict. Ocean was faced with a double bind and the father was facing the enormous disappointment that his angel was not an angel any longer. The universal difficulties that parents have when their children are making the transition to adolescence and adulthood, particularly when they behave badly or dangerously, was tenfold for this father who had so idealized Ocean.

O: He ended up getting right in my face, and he ended up… I was just waiting. I wanted him to hit me because then I’d have an excuse to leave. The only reason I didn’t egg him on to hit me is because I didn’t want him to hurt David because I knew that if he got a hold of him, he’d like, I’m not exaggerating when I say this, he’d literally kill him because he just gets in a state of complete, un-control. So I just sat there and he ended up getting right in my face and he ended up bringing in pictures of me. He’s like, “What does this mean? What does this mean? What is this? What is this?” And he’s throwing all these pictures and things I’ve made for him when I was little and he’s like, “What is this?” and throwing it like it means nothing or whatever. Like, that’s what he’s saying. He’s like, “You don’t love me, or respect, or blah-blah-blah,” and getting all this like I’m completely against him in whatever. I can understand that but, anyway. But he ended up getting right up in my face, he’s like, “You don’t care about Jacob or anybody, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.” And he ended up just grabbing my face and whatever, anyway.

T: Did you tell him you’re gonna run away? Did you leave? What did you do?

O: No, we just ended up getting in an argument and I just stayed in my room and he, um, you know those window lock things? They like go on top and then you screw that little thing in. He put one of those on my window and like used a thing so that I like couldn’t get out. He’s like, “Now you’re on 24 hour watch, duh-duh-duh,” and whatever, saying all this stuff. So I just sat in my room for the rest of the night and then the next day, Saturday, sat in my room all day ‘cause I don’t want to be around him obviously ‘cause it’s just weird, and it’s really good though because Barb, she’s like, “I forgive you for running away.”

C: It was good that the step-mother had forgiven Ocean.

O: Like it’s OK. So at least I’m good with somebody.

T: And where are you now?

O: I’m in a completely different place because, because before I came here, like I said, I was like… I don’t know if I can, I can’t really describe it ‘cause if you understand, you understand, if you don’t I can’t explain it to you. I was just totally, totally just lost. Just completely, just lost. That’s the only way I can say it. Just don’t know where I’m at or where I’m supposed to be or… Because I used to be like bad and stuff, I’m like, maybe that’s just who I am. Maybe I’m just supposed to be, like, a bad kid. And because of like my family history, like, they’re all the same so I’m like maybe that’s just who I am supposed to be. And I was thinking about that, I’m like, so I’m like, am I supposed to be like the good student? Am I supposed to be the stoner kid? Like am I supposed to be the drug addict? Am I supposed to be like the good girl that I was? Am I supposed to be the leader? Am I supposed to be all these things? And I’m like, who are you supposed to be? Like which one of these things is you? ‘Cause I’d lost it. I’m like, I don’t know who I am or where I’m supposed to go or be or live or how to act, or anything, right? But just the first day being here I actually got here, which would be your guys’ second day, but just within like the first couple hours I’m like, wow. I just completely… I’m like… Like I told Bonnie, I’m like I went over and I gave her a kiss, she just gave me a hug and like, “How you doing? Blah-blah-blah.” I’m like, “I’m found.” I found myself. [Audience cheers]

C: Bonnie is Sage, Tony’s wife and Ocean’s aunt. On hearing what Ocean was going through, she had her come to Palm Springs to the event where Tony was teaching. This was a great intervention. When parents and child are caught in an intense conflict, the best thing to do is to seek the help of members of the extended family who can provide unconditional love, protection, a different viewpoint, and empowering alternatives. Sage provided all this. For years, Ocean had been a good girl, doing well in school and being a source of joy and happiness for her parents at home. Then suddenly she fell into bad ways: drinking, smoking pot, having sex, cutting herself, and running away from home. What caused that sudden change? Now we know why.

While the parents thought they were drawing limits for Ocean, they were accidentally putting her in a double bind that confused her and put her into despair. On the one hand, the message to Ocean was, “we love you and want to take care of you,” but when things got difficult, the message became, “you’re manipulative, maybe you should live somewhere else.” As a result, Ocean didn’t feel loved or appreciated, and on the other hand she didn’t truly have an option to leave. She was in a double bind. There was little she could do to obey these mixed messages. To confuse things further, her father both idealized her as his perfect little angel, but when she misbehaved, he became violent and threatened to hurt her and the people she loved. This made ocean fear and mistrust her father, the man she loved most in the world.

By talking to Tony and Sage and clarifying her own intentions, as she went back home, Ocean was able to transform her behavior, stop her cutting and substance use, and live

happily within her family, and you’ll see that Tony and I will visit Ocean a few weeks afterward where we will make sure that the family unit operates well with Ocean’s new changes.