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Page 4, The Estill County Tribune, March 30, 2016

Owlhead’s GrocerySouth Irvine * 723-7473

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Owlhead’s GrocerySouth Irvine * Phone 723-7473Donald & Katherine Dixon, Owners

We’re open until 10:00 p.m.

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Feeds by Producer

Too Much To Drink MitsyandBarbiehave toomuch todrinkat thebarandcauseproblems, so theownerhas to call the law.Theyburstoutthedoorrunningastheyhearthesirensofcopcarscomingcloser.Thetwodiveintotwoseparatebusheshopingtheywon’tgetcaught.Soon,thecopcarsstopnearthebushesandthetwogirlsarehearingfootstepsandgrowmorenervous.Theycan’t findBarbie,butacopgrabsMitsyandyells,“Busted.” Ashedragstheherofftothecar,Mitsylooksbackatabushandsays,“ComeonBarbie!!!!!!!!Theygotus!”

Losing A Pastor Thepastorshocksthecongregationwhenheannounc-esthathewasresigningfromthechurchandmovingtoadrierclimate.Aftertheservice,averydistraughtladycomestothepastorwithtearsinhereyes,“Oh,PastorBob,wearegoingtomissyousomuch.Wedon’twantyoutoleave!” Thekindheartedpastorpatsherhandandsays“Now,now,Carolyn,don’tcarryon.Thepastorwhotakesmyplacemightbeevenbetterthanme.” “Yeah,”shesays,withatoneofdisappointmentinhervoice,“That’swhattheysaidthelasttimetoo...”

Dog Gone It AmanwalksintotheofficeoftheeminentpsychiatristDr.VonBernuth,andsitsdowntoexplainhisproblem.“Doctor,doctor!”hestarts. “Noneedtorepeatyourself,mygoodman,”repliesthedoctor.“One‘doctor’isenough.” “Yes,well,yousee, I’vegot thisproblem,” themancontinues.“IkeephallucinatingthatI’madog.Alarge,white,hairyPyreneesmountaindog.It’scrazy.Idon’tknowwhattodo!” “Acommoncaninecomplex,”saysthedoctorsooth-ingly.“Comeoverhereandliedownonthecouch.” “Ohno,Doctor.I’mnotalloweduponthefurniture.”

New Driver A young man has just received his brand new driv-ers license. To celebrate, the whole family troopsout to the driveway and climbs into the car for hisinaugural drive. Dad immediately heads to theback seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’llbetyou’rebacktheretogetachangeofsceneryafter all thosemonthsof sitting in the frontpassengerseatteachingmehowtodrive,”saysthebeamingboytohis‘oldman.’ “Nope,”comesdad’sreply,“I’mgonnasitbackhereandkickthebackofyourseatwhileyoudrive,justlikeyou’vebeendoingtomeforsixteenyears.”

Efficiency Expert Anefficiencyexpertconcludeshislecturewithanoteof caution. “Youdon’twant to try these techniquesathome.” “Whynot?”askssomebodyfromtheaudience. “Iwatchedmywife’sroutineatbreakfastforyears,”theexpertexplains.“Shemadelotsoftripsbetweentherefrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying asingleitematatime.OnedayItoldher,‘Hon,whydon’tyoutrycarryingseveralthingsatonce?’” “Diditsavetime?”thepersonintheaudienceasks. “Actually,yes,”repliestheexpert.“Itusedtotakeher20minutestomakebreakfast.NowIdoitinseven.”

Honesty Is The Best Policy Aladydropsherhandbaginthebustleofholidayshop-ping.Anhonest,littleboynoticesherdropthehandbag,sohepicksitupandreturnsittoher.Theladylooksintoherhandbagandcommented,“Hmm...That’sfunny.WhenIlostmybagtherewasa$20billinit.Nowtherearetwenty$1bills.” Theboyquicklyreplies,“That’s right, lady.The lasttimeIfoundapurse,theownerdidn’thaveanychangeforareward.”

Loafing On The Store Porch AstrangerstopsintoloafaroundatNeedmoreStoreandissittingontheporchwithJuniorandHowardGreen.“Let’stalk,”saysthestranger.“I’veheardthere’ssomehealthyconversationthatgoesonhereonthisporch..” Juniorturnstothestrangerandsays,“Whatisthatyouwouldliketotalkabout?” “Oh,Idon’tknow,”saidthestranger.“Howaboutnu-clearpower?” “OK,”saidJunior.“Thatcouldbeaninterestingtopic.Butletmeaskyouaquestionfirst.‘Ahorse,acow,andadeeralleatgrass.Thesamestuff.Yetadeerexcreteslittlepellets,whileacowturnsoutaflatpatty,andahorsepro-ducesclumpsofdriedgrass.’Whydoyousupposethatis?” “Well,”saysthestranger.“Ihavenoidea.” “Well, then,” said Junior, “How is it that you feelqualifiedtodiscussnuclearpowerwhenyoudon’tknowcrap?”

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F R A N K F O RT — A neventfulweekattheCapitolsawthearrival–finally–ofafullHouse. Fournewstaterepresen-tatives were sworn in onTuesday,fillingvacantseatsin the chamber in time forthe legislative scramble asthe2016GeneralAssemblysessionheadsintoitshomestretch. The newcomers:Lewis Nicholls, D-Gree-nup,aformerjudgeandsonofaformerstatelegislator;attorney Daniel Elliott, R-GravelSwitch; JeffTaylor,D-Hopkinsville, an eco-nomicdevelopmentprofes-sional; and Chuck Tackett,D-Georgetown, a farmerand former county magis-trate. Theceremonywasapre-lude to a flurry of legisla-tiveactionastheHouseandSenatepassedbillsfocusedon improved public safety,civilrightsandeducationastheweekprogressed.Asex-pected, though, thereal fo-cusofthe11thweekoftheGeneral Assembly sessionwas the biennial budget astheHousepasseditsversionwitha53-0voteonWednes-day.Thebudget,HouseBill303,andrelatedbudgetleg-islationwereforwardedforSenateconsideration. The nearly $21 billionbudgetbillwouldrollbacksomefundingcutsproposedbyGov.MattBevintomanyareas of state governmentandauthorizelessdebtthanproposed in the governor’sproposal.TheHB303bud-getwouldeliminatecutsforconstitutional agencies andselect education programswhile fully funding thetroubledKentuckyEmploy-ees’ Retirement System bytapping into $500 millionthe governor wanted to setaside as a permanent fundforfuturepensions. Withonlyninelegislativedays remaining, theSenatenow gets a chance to craftits reply. After next week,March 28-29 are concur-rencedayssetasideforfloorpassage of bills from theopposite chamber. The 10-day governor’s veto recess

follows, with the final twodays of the regular sessionscheduled for April 11-12. The legislature mustagree on a budget beforethenorfaceapossiblespe-cialsession. While much focus wasonthebudgetandassociat-edbillsthisweek,numerousother measures took stepsforward,including: Bible classes in publicschools. Senate Bill 278,which would allow pub-lic schools to offer Bibleliteracy classes, passed onMonday.Theclasses,whichproponents say would notbeevangelicalinnaturebutfocus on the book as lit-erature and a sociologicalstudy,wouldbetaughtasasocial studies elective.ThemeasurehasbeensenttotheHouseforconsideration. Community college tu-ition.HouseBill626wouldprovide Kentucky highschool graduates with twoyears’worthofpaidtuitionat a state community col-legeunderabillthatpassedthe state House by an 86-11 vote on Thursday. Thebillwould create theWorkReady Kentucky Schol-arship Program to coverKentucky Community andTechnical College System(KCTCS)tuitionforrecentKentuckyhighschoolgradsorGEDrecipientsundertheageof19whocompleteap-plications for financial aid,enroll in at least 12 credithoursasemester,andmain-tainacumulative2.0gradepoint average.The bill hasbeensenttotheSenate. Protected rights. SenateBill 80 states that itwouldpromotetherightsofpeopletoexercisetheirfreedomofspeech, conscience and re-ligion.Thebill,whichwasfiled in response to a caseinwhichalawsuitwasfiledagainstaLexingtoncustomT-shirt shop for refusingto make shirts celebratinga gay pride event, wouldprevent lawsuitsorpunish-mentinsuchcases.Thebillspecifiesthatitprotectsthefreedom of religion for in-dividualswhooffercustom-

izedartistic,expressive,cre-ative,ministerialorspiritualgoodsandservices. Voting. House Bill 290,passedbya57-37voteintheHouse on Monday, wouldallow no-excuse, in-personvoting at least 12 workingdays – including two Sat-urdays–beforeanElectionDay. Kentucky currentlyonly allows voting beforeanelectionbyabsenteebal-lotwithaqualifiedexcuse.HB290 was forwarded totheSenateforconsideration.ThebillhasbeensenttotheSenate. Coal mines. Senate Bill297wouldendKentucky’sminesafetyinspectionpro-gram by converting thestate’s 62 inspectors to“safety analysts” whoseresponsibilities would in-clude correcting dangerouspractices through “behav-ior modification” insteadof issuing costly citations.State inspectors currentlytestundergroundmines forhazardssix timesayear inaddition to the four federalinspections. Surface mines

aretestedfourtimes:twicebystateinspectorsandtwiceby MSHA. The measure,whichpassedtheSenateona 25-11 vote on Thursday,nowawaitsconsiderationintheHouse, Sexual assaultkits.Sen-ateBill63,ameasureaimedat eliminating a backlogof more than 3,000 sexualassault examination kits–someasmuchas40yearsold.Thebillalsowouldex-pedite the testing of newkits, directing police to re-trieve the evidence fromhospitals within five daysandsubmit theevidence tothe state crime lab withinamonth.Thebillhasbeensent to the House for con-sideration. The legislative pace issure to increase as the 60-day General Assemblyheadsintoits12thweek.Tostay informedon theprog-ress of bills, to offer feed-backtolawmakersortoaskquestions about legislativetopics, call theAssembly’stoll-free message line at800-372-7181.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------March 14th - 18th -- An Eventful Week At The Capitol ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This Week in the Kentucky General Assembly