a life less anxious - freedom from panic - pavilanis, steve

7/28/2019 A Life Less Anxious - Freedom From Panic - Pavilanis, Steve

1/302


2/302

A LIFE LESS ANXIOUS


3/302


4/302


5/302


6/302

healthcare professional before beginning or altering anreatment plan. In summary, this book is not a substitutfor professional healthcare.

This book includes information from many sourcencluding the authors personal experiences. It published for general reference and is not intended tbe a substitute for independent verification by reader

when necessary and appropriate. The publisher anauthor disclaim any personal liability, directly ondirectly, for advice or information presented withinAlthough the author and publisher have prepared thmanuscript with utmost care and diligence and havmade every effort to ensure the accuracy ancompleteness of the information contained within, wassume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracieomissions or inconsistencies.

Publishers Cataloging-in-Publication(Provided by Quality Books, Inc.)

Pavilanis, Steve.


7/302

A life less anxious : freedom from paniattacks and social anxiety without drugs or therap/ StevePavilanis ; coauthored by Patricia Alma Lee.p. cm.ISBN-13: 978-0-9821401-2-3ISBN-10: 0-9821401-2-6

1. Panic attacks--Treatment--Popular works.2. Social phobia--Treatment--Popular works. 3Anxiety--Treatment--Popular works. 4. Self-heltechniques.

I. Lee, Patricia A. II. Title.

RC535.P38 2009 616.85223QBI09-600100


8/302

For my mother,

who taught me to see the beauty in life.


9/302


10/302

My friends at Extreme Toastmasters in Chicago, whhelped me overcome my fears and provided invaluablfeedback for this book.

Very sincere thanks to my family, friends, and lovedones for providing much needed moral supporencouragement, and advice for this book.

Finally, to all who read this book, thank you for youupport. May your life be less anxious.Steve Pavilan

May 200


11/302

CONTENTS

About the authorIntroduction

Part I A LIFE CHANGER: MY FIRST PANIC

ATTACK

My medication experienceRoller coaster rideA fresh start in the Windy CityWhat goes up. . .

Am I well now?Know when to fold emReturn to the land of cubiclesDo-over

Bottomed outPart II LEARNING THE LESSONS

So what is a panic attack?Why I think we have relapses

Examining your thoughts


12/302

The power of beliefsEliminating your harmful beliefsPhysical symptoms of panic and anxietyRetooling your thinkingMeditationIts not just for monks!Shift your perspectiveMaking life changesCoping skillsHow to calm yourself

Ditch the medicationInspirationThe clock is ticking

Part III APPLYING THE LESSONS

EpiphaniesDoing the impossibleSummary: What workedMastery of fear

Appendix

Anxiety Hierarchy Worksheet


13/302

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

M NOT A PSYCHIATRIST , psychologist, medicdoctor, or therapist of any sort.

What I am is just a normal guy whose life change

ignificantly once I experienced my first panic attackMy world was turned completely upside down, and had never felt so lost in all my life.

know what its like to cry yourself to sleep witworry, thinking that youre losing your mind. I knowwhat its like to lose your freedom and spirit oadventure to a self-imposed and ever-shrinking prison.

hid from the world at times during a five-year periodashamed of what I had become. My fears affecteevery area of my life, robbing me of my outgoinpersonality and dreams. During this time, I felt as if

was wasting my life.


14/302

spent five years suffering, battling, relapsing, learninabout, and eventually conquering my own personproblems with panic and social anxiety. I learned thhard way what really works and what doesnt. Ivecorded in this book which tools and techniques ca

best help you overcome your own personal strugglewith anxiety. I also have an idea about who you areYou may be experiencing the same anxiety problem

hat I did. I felt pain similar to what you are feeling anprobably had some of the same fears and scarhoughts as you. But I overcame them and want thow you how you can, too. I authored this book t

help you live a more peaceful and fulfilling life. Heremy most important message for you: There is hope.

ve been a social butterfly most of my life. Ive hamany friends and gotten along with just about everyone

ve often been the guy everyone expects to crack oke or get up and do something funny. It seems strangfor someone with my outgoing personality to developanic attacks and social anxieties, but it happened t

me.


15/302

While overcoming my anxiety problems was by far thmost difficult thing I have ever done (so far!), it has alsbeen the most rewarding. The ways in which I havgrown are beyond measure. Facing my most deepeated fears forced me to take an honest look at myse

and opened my eyes to many wonderful possibilitieand insights.

am very proud of this book. My intention is to sharmy growth experience and encourage others through and the related website. I want to help as many peoplas I can to reclaim their lives.

For further information please viswww.alifelessanxious.coman online communitwhere you will find helpful anxiety-related resourceand may participate in discussions in our forums.


16/302

INTRODUCTION

ANXIETY IS NO FUN. If youve been experiencing severproblems with anxiety in your life, youre not aloneAnxiety disorders are one of the most common mentllnesses in the United States, affecting more than 4million Americans (National Institute of Mental Healthhttp://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/anxiety-disorders/introduction.shtml). However, these statisticefer only to those who have sought formal help

Consider that many millions more in the United Statealone may never seek treatment due to embarrassmenconfusion, or financial constraints.

Todays Western society moves faster than ever. Aswe become more wired and limited in our socinteractions, its no surprise that scores of us havdeveloped social anxiety problems. In this go-go worldmany of us have forgotten (or never learned) how t

elax and find peace in our daily lives.


17/302

The most frustrating part about anxiety disorders is thahere isnt a quick fix. Its not like going to the doctofor a broken arm or nasal infection. No magic pill habeen manufactured that will solve your problems. Themedy is much more complex, and that can b

frustrating.

Are you ready to get your life back? Do you want to g

after the real happiness that you are entitled toWouldnt you love to leave the house today and livyour life without having your fears determine what yocan and cannot do?

The journey is about to begin, and although you manot be sure you are ready, you are. After all, youvaken the first step by picking up this book. I want to leyou know that I have poured my heart and soul int

every page. Ill share some candid and embarrassinpersonal stories, ones that I know panic and socianxiety sufferers will understand. Of course, Ill alshare some of my triumphs along my personal path t

freedom.


18/302

You, too, can achieve freedom from your fears. Wheyou do, you will find an inner peace that is the mobeautiful, inspiring sensation you could ever imagineHows that sound?

ITS NO LONGER TABOO

Anxiety disorders are no longer taboo subjects o

viewed as conditions that only happen to crazypeople. More and more people, including celebritieuch as Academy Award-winning actress Nicol

Kidman, Today Show weatherman and co-host WillarScott, Food Network TV star Paula Deen, and NF

tar running back Ricky Williams, have come forwaro talk about their struggles with panic attacks anocial anxiety.

There are also more resources than ever before fo


19/302

panic and anxiety sufferers to access for help. I havead countless books, listened to many audio program

and even attended therapy sessions to overcome mpanic and social anxiety. Fortunately, the help availablfor treating anxiety disorders is improving.

This book is the culmination of what Ive learned alonmy journey and taken from each experience. From th

darkest days that were littered with thoughts ohopelessness and even suicide, to the days Ive stooatop the world in triumph, its all recorded here.

This is my way of giving something back. I truly believ

anxiety came into my life for a reason. My sufferinmade me face things about myself that I had continualavoided. Now I feel a sense of enlightenment anpeace, which may have not occurred otherwise.

This book is divided into three parts. In Part 1, I teyou my own personal story of how panic attacks anocial anxiety suddenly appeared in my life, and mnitial efforts to find answers and seek relief.


20/302

n Part 2, you can learn from the many lessons truggled with in my search for a cure for my anxiet

problems. Why did I have so many relapses? Breathinand relaxation techniques that work are given, and thbenefits of meditation and how to do it are explained.

Additionally, the faulty thinking patterns of anxietufferers and how to break free from them ar

explained. This section also includes a detailed plan fohow to systematically face and defeat your fears.

Part 3 is a summary of how to apply all of the lessonand techniques described in Part 2. You will lear

hrough step-by-step examples about the situations feared, how I conquered them, how you can prevenelapsing into anxiety, and the lifestyle changes you ca

make to encourage a peaceful and fulfilling life. I hop

his book reaches deep into your heart and awakenhat zest and excitement for an enlightened life that begging to come out of you.

Five years after I experienced the first of many pani


21/302


22/302

ORISON SWETT MARDEN(Founder ofSuccess magazine and motivational author)


23/302

PART I

A LIFE CHANGER: MY

FIRST PANIC ATTACK


24/302

A LIFE CHANGER: MY FIRST PANICATTACK

THE FOURTH OF JULY HOLIDAY when I was twenty-fivyears old will forever be etched into my memory. I wis

could tell you this was the day I hit a home run whiplaying third base for the Chicago Cubs or won a stagn the Tour de France, but it wasnt. This day, my firspanic attack happened.

At the time, I had been living and working in German

for a little more than a year and had become quitcomfortable living abroad. I was learning the languagand had established a solid group of good friends witwhom I often traveled. During that holiday week of th

Fourth of July, my best friend, Robbie, came to Europfor a visit. I took a few days off work to meet up anravel with him.

On July 3, we did our best to drink all of the beer in th

city of Prague in the Czech Republic. Judging by ou


25/302

brutal hangovers the next day, we must have comclose. Exhausted, cranky, and severely dehydrated, whit the road bound for the Bavarian Alps in southerGermany.

We drove for countless hours through uneventfufarmland while crammed into a comically smaEuropean car with no air conditioning. The misery wa

amplified due to our pathetic physical states. We madfrequent stops for caffeine that kept us awake budehydrated us even further. Eventually, around nightfalwe had gone as far as we could go given our conditionWe found a small family-owned hotel in the middle onowhere in Bavaria and settled in for the night.

With peaceful mountains and a clear, babbling brookfor a backdrop, our exhausted bodies couldnt hav

been in a better place to sleep and recharge. But thadidnt happen. Instead, that night I had the strangeexperience.

Except for the tranquil sound of the stream just outsid


26/302

he window, it was very quiet. However, as I lay in berying to fall asleep, I noticed my heart was starting tbeat rapidly. The more I became aware of it, the fastet beat. The harder I tried to ignore it, the more couldnt!

After a few minutes, I bolted to my feet, scared. hought, Am I having a heart attack? My commotio

awoke Robbie, who seemed quite startled. Thfreaked me out even more. I told him that I couldncatch my breath, and that my heart was beating out ocontrol.

He said to just calm down, that it was simply a paniattack, and he had even had one once. Although youhink it would, his explanation didnt help me. I fecompletely lost and out of control.

remember doing everything I could to try to slow mheartbeat. I went outside into the fresh, chilly mountaair and paced around. I tried to wear myself ouphysically by doing push-ups. I ran in place. I ran sho


27/302

prints. I did jumping jacks. I tried to breathe deeplybut nothing worked!

After about thirty minutes of absolute hell, my body an

my emotions finally calmed down. My heartbeaeturned to normal, but I felt like it could resum

pounding furiously at any second. This feeling of beinon the edge lasted for hours, which really took a toll o

me. With my nerves frayed and my confidence shakenlay in bed trying to take my mind off scary thoughtSomehow I eventually fell asleep or, more accuratelypassed out from exhaustion.

The next day I awoke fatigued and still on edge. I waafraid to have any caffeine that morning, so I skippehe coffee. Robbie realized how bad I must have felt tefuse a cup of fresh European coffee. He knows ho

much I love the stuff.

felt as if I could spiral into another panic attack at anmoment, but I did my best to hide this. After one morday of sightseeing in the Alps, we drove to Munic


28/302


29/302

werent as severe. The next day I returned to mapartment in Frankfurt. The first action I took was ttart making appointments to have myself checked out

Because I have a scientific engineering background, ook the logical approach. Clearly something was verwrong, something in my head. Perhaps a tumor, mayba blood clotsomethingmust have been causing this.

put myself through just about every physical temodern medicine offersblood work, CAT scanseven some weird electro-nerve tests the Germadoctors recommended. To my great surprise, the

found I was in good health. I wanted so badly for thdoctors to say they had found something physical anangible that could be fixed. Instead, they recommendesee a psychiatrist and think about taking medication.

Learning that my problem was psychological in naturwas devastating. I felt lost, confused, and scared. vividly remember sitting in a doctors office in Frankfurwaiting for yet another test. All I kept thinking wa


30/302

what a waste. Twenty-five years old, reasonablntelligent, outgoing, and with my whole life ahead of mand Im losing my mind. All my dreams for my lifwould have to be cancelled. I began to sink into a deedepression.

To think that I legitimately neededto see a psychiatridepressed me further. Still, I was hoping that it coul

help. The only doctor I could get my insurance to pafor was Russian and hadnt spoken English in twentyears. She insisted, however (in German), that shcould understand most of what I told her in EnglishThus my therapy sessions were a mix of brokeGerman and first-grade-level English.

When she didnt seem to understand what I was sayinn English, Id try saying it in German. I wasnt sur

whether I was telling her about my anxiety or thchnitzel I had for lunch! Anyone listening to th

conversation would have probably jumped out thwindow in frustration. This attempt at therapy wasn

helping.


31/302


32/302

helpful. I was very skeptical that it would help, but prayed that it would.

Taking prescription psychoactive drugs for the first tim

felt surreal. I knew they would be altering my brachemistry, and this terrified me. I already felt as if I hano control of my mind and thoughts, so how would even know if the medication was working? Could

make my thoughts even scarier, or would I somehowmagically be my old self again?

n a few days, I began to feel the effects of thmedication. I was a walking zombie. I felt as if my lif

was playing out in slow motion, as if there was a denscloud set atop my brain. Some friends mentioned thamy quick wit was gone, that I seemed off. My sensof adventure and spontaneity had disappeared, too. Bu

his wasnt the worst of it.

Some of these drugs have other significant side effecpeople dont want to talk about. A doctor would call erectile dysfunction. As a virile twenty-five-year-ol


33/302

ingle man, I refer to it as one of the worst experiencemaginable.

For the first time in my life, my libido almost died. M

erections were very infrequent, and when I did havex, I felt so mentally and physically numb that climaxin

was nearly impossible.

Sex had constantly been on my mind since pubertySuddenly, this was gone.

As devastated as I was, imagine me explaining theside effects to the women I dated during this time: It

not you, its me... seriously!

one of them seemed to grasp how desperately I felt needed the medication. I couldnt stop taking it, despit

hese embarrassing situations. I asked a doctor for helpand he prescribed Viagra. Youd think giving a healthyyoung man such a drug would turn him into a walkinerection. Yet it still wasnt enough to offset the effectof the anxiety medication and allow me to functio

normally.


34/302

While at work, I was very aware of my scary thoughtThe medication helped, but I still didnt know if I realwas okay. I tried to maintain a low profile. I desperatehoped no one would discover this horrible truth aboumethat I was no longer in control of myself. Althoug

thought I appeared calm, inside I was living nightmare.

Unhappy with the side effects and lack of profounmprovement with the first few medications, I went baco the doctor. I was willing to try anything that woultop the panic attacks. I was a frantic, anxious mess. he doctor had recommended that I smoke crack anun naked around the city, I would have. In total, I trie

five or six different anti-anxiety/antidepressanmedications.

distinctly remember one drug causing a powerfupacey feeling, while another one caused a sharp pain

my head as if I was being stabbed with a Samurword. Imagine how awful this was for a confused an

panic-stricken person to experience. It was lik


35/302

hrowing napalm into my campfire of anxiety and worry

By now, I felt I was probably insane, but how insanwas the question. Were the drugs keeping me fro

osing it or causing me to lose it? Did anybody else sehat pink elephant over there?

Some medications made me nauseous. Some made m

leep almost twenty-four hours a day. I remembeaking a weeklong trip to Barcelona, Spain, with girlfriend one summer. Despite being completeledated from medication, I still had a mild panic attac

on the plane just before takeo?. I somehow gathere

myself and calmed down near the end of the flight. Thamay be attributed to the two double bourbons ordered.

Driving the rental car from the airport and intBarcelona, I was exhausted. The espresso I had gulpedown near baggage claim after arriving had donnothing to snap me out of my daze. We pulled into oadside caf where I had a double espresso an


36/302

ordered another one for the road.

felt like a complete disaster. The injections of caffeinpumped into my system were wreaking havoc on m

body, while the antidepressants I was on still grippemy mind. I strove to have fun on the trip, and for a febeautiful moments I did enjoy it. Still, I could feel hoout of whack my entire system was. Pouring va

amounts of anxiety medication, caffeine, and alcohonto my body every day was not good. Go figure! wondered what was going to come first, an ulcer, heaattack, or kidney failure.

Self-medication is popular. Many people in our societare resorting to it to relieve their suffering. We turn intdrug addicts and drunks trying to find a happier placAs for me, I couldnt sleep. I was terrified of going t

bed, for I would lie there and have to face my thoughtRemember, lying in bed one night while trying to faasleep was the setting in which I had my first paniattack. I found television a much-needed distraction

often falling asleep watching reruns ofThe Simpsons.


37/302

felt as if I needed something to sedate me. I was livinn Germany, where drinking good beer is a way of lifed found a solution! For months, I had more than a fe

every night (alone) to knock myself out. It worked. Foa good six months, I lived my life in a daze.

Before my first panic attack, I didnt understand hopeople could let themselves become addicted to drug

or alcohol to the point where they would abuse while bhemselves. Now I understood. I felt humbled anvulnerable knowing I had become one of those peoplwho felt he had to drink to feel normal. I had thoughpreviously I was too strong and determined to evebecome like that.

Why do people self-medicate? For me, it was aescape. Alcohol allowed me to live in the momen

briefly every evening and forget my troubles.

Alcohol is a depressant, however, and while I gained mall sliver of what I interpreted as freedom every nigh

while I was drunk, I was sinking deeper and deepe


38/302

nto depression.

As autumn arrived, I remained on various medicationand my world continued to shrink. I had lost the desir

o explore and try new and unfamiliar things. Despitiving in the heart of Europe, I didnt travel much. I wahaving enough trouble trying to be comfortable in mown apartment and at work. This transformatio

depressed me further, because before the panic attackhad lived to travel and experience the unknown.

became more and more closed off to the worldFearful a panic attack would occur at any time,

avoided any setting in which I wouldnt have controand be able to escape if needed. If you stop and thinabout all the situations that includes, maybe you camagine the shell of a life that remains. I spent most o

my time alone on my couch.

no longer went to the grocery store after workbecause what if I had a panic attack while waiting in ong line? I couldnt just throw down my groceries an


39/302

un awayI would be stuck in the skinny lane betweeegisters with a cart full of groceries! So, I shoppe

only just before the stores closed. I missed out on thgreat fresh bread and meat available from the Germabakeries and butchers. Sadly, this no longer mattered tme; for in my eyes I didnt deserve the good things ife. I barely felt alive.

absolutely dreaded riding the train to work, but givemy geographic location, I had no alternative. Often, would go to work very early to avoid the main rushour, and stay late at work to avoid it afterwards. Fearof losing control haunted my mind when I was on publiransportation. Just as bad was the nervous anticipatiobefore each trip.

Meetings at work became a nightmare. Scary though

plagued my mind, and all I could think of were the moawful scenarios. What if I had to run out of an importanmeeting while my boss was talking? What if I just stooup and screamed obscenities during a keynote speec

at an all-hands meeting? What if I picked up a chair an


40/302

for no reason threw it through a window? I would oftedevelop cold sweats in meetings trying to suppreshese scary thoughts. Naturally, avoidance set in. I oftecalled in sick to work on days when I knew there was big meeting or seminar I would have to attend.

Fear kills more people than

death. Death kills us but once, anwe usually dont even know it. Bu

fear kills us over and over again

Suddenly at times, and brutally aother times.

GENERAL GEORGE S. PATTON(famous and often-quoted U.S. Army general during Worl

War II)

By that Christmas, I was still on a solid regimen oanxiety medication and alcohol. My only goal was t

keep myself from losing my mindalthough I ofte


41/302


42/302


43/302


44/302

horrible thoughts broke through and flooded my mind.

My heartbeat raced off the charts. I looked down ancould see the top button of my neatly pressed shi

remble with every mighty pulse. I couldnt breathe. couldnt swallow. I couldnt run out of the classroobefore it was my turnthat would be too obviouWhat if I couldnt talk when they got to me? What

hey could hear how ridiculously nervous I was? What just passed out in front of them? What was I going tdo?

was in a full-blown panic attackone of my wors

When it finally was my turn, I didnt know what to do.didnt think I could even force words to come out omy mouth. Would there be any sound at all? Would mvoice crack like it did when I was going throug

puberty, embarrassing me in front of everyone? Mheart was beating so fast I wasnt sure it was evephysically possible to talk and hear my voice over mheartbeat.


45/302


46/302


47/302


48/302

of Europe behind. However, I knew my best chance aa fresh start would be in a familiar American setting

ot only would I be able to watch baseball and collegfootball games again, I could finally tell an Americapsychiatrist in plain English that I was losing my mind!

A FRESH START IN THE WINDYCITY

Chicago: An exciting new city, new careeopportunities, and the potential for new friends. Despitmy excitement, seeds of doubt and uncertainty were st

planted deep within my mind. My stance was to ignorhem as long as possible. I hoped that my change ocenery would help.

distinctly remember being on the phone with

Chicago office representative and accepting the offe


49/302


50/302

neighborhoods. It provides a cool and unique way tee this massive and beautiful city.

To get to work, I had to catch the el near m

apartment. I had to climb up 25 feet of stairs to get the boarding platform. Late one particular morning, frantically raced up the stairs to catch a departing train

crammed inside the car and the loudspeaker sang it

usual Ding dong, doors closing.

Still catching my breath, my heart continued to beaquickly. The train was very crowded. I was shoulder thoulder with fellow passengers, and we filled thtanding room area. I had been riding crowded train

for two years in Germany, so none of this waunfamiliar to me.

The el train moves very slowly at times, sometimeaking up to ten minutes between stops. As I stoohere in the crowded and barely moving train, uddenly noticed that my heart hadnt slowed down

Out of nowhere, I could feel the dread and pani


51/302

beginning to fill my mind. What if I cant slow my heabeat down? Oh, God! Not again! My symptoms greworse. My breathing became rapid and shallow, mheart pounded and my legs turned to jelly. I had a paniattack. Again!?

tried to take my mind off the fact that I was having breakdown in front of an entire trainload of people

Seconds were hours. I prayed under my breath. opened my workbag, searching for a distraction. Witmy heart pounding through my chest, the el finally pulleup to the next stop.

assumed everyone in the train car was aware that was extremely anxious. I wanted to get out, but theagain, if I got out after one stop, wouldnt that arousmore suspicion? Wouldnt it be obvious that I wa

errified and having a panic attack and was a totweirdo who didnt belong there?

As the doors slid open, even more people crammed incould barely move an arm, we were so tightly packed


52/302


53/302


54/302


55/302

talked with the director of the center. He seemed caland welcoming, and so I placed my name on the waitinist for the next group. I was eager to get started with group, yet at the same time I was completely terrified ohaving to speak at a meeting. Another thought I hawas what if this didnt work? What if I finally got this anxiety treatment center, and Im hands down thworst case theyve ever seen? What if they say that I

oo far gone and cant be saved? I mean, if this placcouldnt help me, nobody could, right?

Finally, the group was set up and the meetings wercheduled for every Saturday morning. The fir

morning arrived, and as I boarded the bus to thession, my nerves were frayed. I couldnt eat breakfa

and I skipped my usual morning coffee. I understood bnow that caffeine would only compound my anxiety.

Once I arrived, I paced around the buildings lobby foen minutes even though I knew where to go, delayinhe inevitable. As I made my way up the elevator an

ocated the office, I noticed how wildly my hand wa


56/302


57/302


58/302

(French author and winner of the Nobel Prize in literature 1947)

During that winter, I attended the group anxiety sessionnearly every Saturday. I wont lie. I occasionallkipped sessions when I was feeling particular

anxious, but most of the time I went despite bein

afraid.We spent the first two months learning specifics aboupanic and anxiety. I gained a better understanding owhat my body was doing when I had panic attacks an

why. I still, however, had to overcome them. Eventuallwe began the most vital phase of the healing processfacing our fears.

Two situations had caused my worst panic attacksiding the crowded el train and speaking to a group o

people in an office meeting. These were the fears needed to face.

ust the thought of facing either was enough to deep


59/302

upset me. Every Saturday morning, I was encourageo tell the group about my previous week and annoteworthy anxiety I had experienced. Because mfears of public speaking were so strong, this weekupdate terrified me. However, by simply attending thmeetings every week and speaking briefly, I was facinmy public speaking fears. Each week was a smavictory that boosted my self-confidence.

While I was slowly but surely facing my fear of publipeaking, I was still petrified of crowded publiransportation. I was riding the least-full buses to anfrom work, but I knew it was time to start pushinmyself beyond my comfort zone in this area as well.

Be not afraid of growing

slowly; be afraid only o

standing still.


60/302


61/302


62/302

while climbing the stairs actually provided some relief.

On the platform, I peered down the tracks but therwasnt a train in sight. I would have to stand there an

mentally stew over my impending train ride, which madmy anxiety levels soar.

had planned on riding the train just one stop. Tha

eems easy enough, right? Let me explain somethinelse to you about the el. It sometimes breaks down antops while en route. You never know when your

going to hear the loudspeakers, Beep beep beepMay we have your attention please. We ar

experiencing a delay waiting for signals up ahead. Wwill begin moving shortly and appreciate your patienceSuch a delay can last anywhere from a minute or two ten. While it hasnt happened to me, some of my friend

have told me theyve been stuck in the el for more thaan hour.

After nervously pacing around the platform, the firBrown Line train finally approached. I walked to th


63/302


64/302

By now, I had calmed down a bit. Not reacting anfighting through it helped. The doors opened at the firtop, but I didnt step outside. I decided to be brav

and stay aboard for one more stop.

The second stop was very close and required no turno before I knew it, we had arrived. The third stop

however, would require the train to take turn tha

nvolved passing a track switch for all trains enterinand exiting the downtown loop. Translation: trains oftehave to sit and wait for other trains to go through thwitch. This was not yet something I wanted t

experience, so I quit while I was ahead. I got out at thecond stop.

stepped onto the platform in triumph! I had juaccomplished something that I had built up in my min

over the past year as impossible. It was only a smatep, but I had gotten through it. I had set the wheels oecovery in motion.

As the weeks went by, I continued making progres


65/302


66/302


67/302


68/302


69/302


70/302


71/302


72/302

o. So I didnt. I didnt voluntarily place myself challenging situations and quickly fell back into oldunhealthy patterns. I could feel all the progress I hamade with my anxiety slowly slipping away.

ear the end of the summer, I was assigned to oversea nine-person team at the same client. While I was glahat I had a paycheck, the prospect of being in charg

of nine people was daunting. Not because I was afraiof the work itself. No. That wasnt the problem. I knecould do a good job. I was terrified of the amount o

public speaking in large meetings this role woulcertainly entail. I accepted the new role despite mconcerns and had two weeks to sweat and worry aboumy return to the office. During this time, I floated msum around to see what else was out there. eceived a few bites of interest, but one that real

grabbed my attention involved returning to work Germany.

took the job in Germany, which meant Id be workin

for a firm based in Kansas City. I received a huge pa


73/302

aise and a chance for a new start in my careeomething that made me very happy.

The plan called for me to fly to Kansas City every wee

where I would learn the firms software and receivraining for a couple months before heading to Germano work at the client site. I was happy for the change oprofessional scenery and eager to work for wha

eemed to be a fun and young startup firm.

Before my first trip to Kansas City, however, I was nervous wreck. I would have to introduce myself to thnew group of people at a company meeting. The fir

was full of very accomplished, well-educated and welounded go-getters who in my mind were just abou

perfect. I couldnt sleep for days before my first flight the new office. I kept replaying the worst-cas

cenarios over and over in my mind.

Lying on the couch the night before my first flight, I waestless. My heart raced over and over again in wavebecame so distraught, Id have to walk around m


74/302

apartment, trying to get my mind off of what anticipated. Finally, I started cracking beers to nummyself and quiet my mind. I doubt I got two hours oleep that night.

The flight in the morning was half-full, allowing me rooo stretch out and try to relax. Afterward, I picked up ental car at the airport and distinctly remember ho

pacey and out of body I felt while driving from thairport to the office. I wanted that drive to last forever.wanted the car to break down on the side of the roadPart of me wanted to yank the wheel and crash the canto an embankment to avoid having to go to the office

As usual, the trip went about a billion times better thanhought it would. While I became more at ease, the towas heavy on my body from all of my anticipator

anxiety. I suffered from an upset stomach and even haa lovely gigantic cold sore appear on my upper lip thaasted for about a month. Oh, how I love meeting nepeople with one of those on my face!


75/302


76/302

myself how crazy it was that I had managed to dodgfacing this fear for the past two years.

What happened to my fear during those two years o

avoidance? It grew exponentially. By constantly findinways to dodge this fear, I gave it more power. The feabecame the number one situation in my life that I waconstantly aware of and dodging. I really was mor

afraid of it than death. I know that sounds twisted, buhats how off kilter my perspective was. Thats whacan happen when you let anxiety get the best of you.

As I entered the boardroom and shook hands with m

German counterparts, I was scared stiff. My heart wapounding as the round of introductions started.

Finally it was my turn. I swallowed hard and someho

managed to do it. It certainly wasnt my normal voice; was as if I were just speaking with my breath, not voccords or body at all, but it sounded normal enough. None seemed to notice how nervous I was, and thebefore I knew it, it was over.


77/302

Had I really tortured myself for two years over thatFor those few seconds of speaking to a room full otrangers in a random conference room?

t was depressing as hell to think that was the situationbut it also gave me hope. I knew I could get through again if I had to.

Once I settled into my new circumstances, a neoutine in my life emerged. As the only single employeon the project, I was to spend almost all of my time ohe road in Germany. That part I was actually lookinforward to. . . at first. But after a few months, I realize

his position wasnt the exciting opportunity I hahought it would be.

Often I was the only representative from our America

firm at the client site in Germany. My role was abusiness analyst, acting as a liaison between the Germaclient and our firm in Kansas City. This complex projechad numerous technical difficulties that had to be figureout every single day. Unfortunately, this wasnt my are


78/302

of expertise, as I was more business-focused and nonechnical. Honestly speaking, I had little value to add ahe client site.

n many European countries, besides consultants sucas me, most employees rarely work a full forty-houworkweek. It doesnt matter what critical deadlines arooming, when theyve put in their predefined require

hours, they simply go home. Thus the office I worked was often empty by 4:00 p.m.

n my office, the Germans would come to me witssues and concerns, which I would communicate to m

colleagues in Kansas City. Due to the time differencehis meant that at 4:00 p.m. German time (9:00 a.mKansas City time), my second shift was just beginning.

My nights consisted of conference calls relayinnformation back to the team in Kansas CitySometimes these calls lasted well past midnight.

Keeping this in mind, let me describe my living situatio

n Germany. I would stay at a decent hotel, get dresse


79/302

for work, and then have breakfast in the dining rooevery morningjust me and a German newspaper. None met me to have conversation. Most of the wait stan the hotel were friendly first-generation immigranfrom the Philippines. Getting to know them over thmonths while they poured my coffee each morninprovided just enough face-to-face human interaction tkeep me sane.

Then Id head to work. I literally had no one to repoo and rarely had a meeting to attend, so it could bextremely boring if I didnt have much work to doCome lunchtime, I would head down to the swankcafeteria. In this brand-new office building, the cafeterboasted stylish decor, amazing food, and very attractivEuropean women. Sounds like heaven for a single guyight? That depends.

still hadnt befriended anyone in the office, and evehe Germans I worked directly with didnt invite me toin them, not for lunch, a beer after work, nothing.

hought it wasnt anything personal, rather it just seeme


80/302


81/302

day.

By that winter, I was completely burned out. I coulfeel the tension and stress building throughout my body

had been a very physically active person who loved tgo for runs and hit the gym. But now I was overweighand out of shape for the first time in many years. needed clean air, exercise, and some fresh perspective

So along with a friend of mine who worked in Englandtook a snowboarding trip to Bavaria.

was excited to get back to the beautiful Alps, breathhe fresh air, and get some exercise while snowboardin

n such a serene setting. Still, I did not like crowded anpacked places, and I knew I would inevitably face crowded gondola or lift to the top of the mountain. didnt want that to stop me. I knew I really needed th

rip.

As usual, we had more than our share of beers out ohe town on Friday night, and I awoke in a milhangover daze. I had wanted to avoid that, because


82/302

knew that being dehydrated exaggerates the symptomassociated with panic and anxiety. I had not onlexperienced this firsthand on numerous occasions whilhung over but had also heard it from medical doctorKnowing I was going to face a crowded gondola thamorning in this state made me a nervous wreck.

As we finally got to the lift station, it was even wors

han I had imagined. A line of more than 200 peopltood ahead of us, and the gondolas were coming onevery fifteen minutes or so. Once an empty gondolcame down, it was jam-packed with more than fiftpeople for the ten-minute ride to the top. I had to run the restroom twice while in line due to my nervous anupset stomach.

Each crowded gondola brought me closer to m

nevitable turn to board. I had no confidence in myself his difficult situation, and was already experiencinome overwhelming what-if thoughts. I paced nervousn circles, making small talk and joking with my buddy

rying to distract myself from the nightmare I was abou


83/302

o enter.

As it finally became our turn, I saw us as cows beinhoved into a holding pen. The only thing missing wer

cattle prods. Desperately seeking a spot against one ohe windows, I had to settle for the worst place for mdead center in the now-jam-packed gondola. As thdoors closed, I said a prayer under my breath.

Once we had been going for about twenty seconds, ooked back and saw that we had already gone a fehundred feet and were making quick progress. I theurned and followed the cables up the mountain an

ealized just how much farther we would have to goMore important, I realized how much longer I would btuck in this claustrophobic sardine can of people.

m sure you know whats coming next: a panic attackMy heart was absolutely pounding out of my chest. nervously shuffed my feet around and tried to slow mbreathing. I looked around for some way to get rid ohis surge of nervous energy. I saw a support bar tha


84/302


85/302


86/302


87/302


88/302

uncomfortable. As my own boss, I was making mormoney than I ever had in my life. I felt free. I coulleep all day if I wanted, go to the beach, eat anywherwanted, and work whenever I wanted. The summe

was off to a great start!

Then the isolation really started to bother me. Mfriends in Chicago still had to go to work every day

They still had a structured workday with meetings andeadlines, so I had no one to even talk to during thday.

Co-workers? No such thing in this profession. Whe

youre working from home, your only interaction is aoccasional chat conversation with another player at thpoker table whose money youre trying to take, so itnot exactly friendly. I began to feel more and mor

solated as days went by, which really affected mmental health. Somehow I had created the samituation I had experienced in Germany: social isolatio

and lack of stimulation.


89/302

Sure I had tons of free time and was in great physichape, but I had no relationships. I could have joine

groups or volunteered or something, but I didnt. Thwas because my old anxieties I thought I had overcoma year earlier were starting to creep back into my lifWith no one pushing me or telling me I had to danything, my motivation to face my anxiety-relateproblems had disappeared.

Why should I go and ride the el or a crowded bus? never needed to, especially at rush hour. Why should go to Toastmasters and face my public-speaking fears

didnt have to speak at meetings anymore, I could juit at home and click a mouse and make a bunch o

money.

By the end of the summer, I was a mess. The progres

hat I had made overcoming anxiety was gone. Mconfidence was severely shaken, and I knew once agahat I needed to make some major changeUnfortunately for my bank account, my dazed psych

began to affect the quality of my poker play. A key to


90/302


91/302

Reluctantly, I contacted a former boss in Chicago. Shhappily offered me a position, and that fall, I was working stiff once again.

RETURN TO THE LAND OF

CUBICLES

was beyond depressed when I returned to the cubicl

ungle. I had just come from a summer of completfreedom in which I had no structure and was neveforced to be in any uncomfortable situations. Now I hao face them every day. No one had depended upo

me for anything, and I was never examined under thmicroscope. My co-workers had been my computeand my money.

Readjusting to office life was difficult, and I felt on edg

for the first few months. Furthermore, the work itse


92/302

was monotonous and uninspiring, which frustrated mfurther.

was avoiding any and all situations that had made m

anxious in the past. I wasnt dating, only roduncrowded buses to and from work, and completeavoided the el.

Feeling very low and desperate for help, I began tead some of the self-help books I had stockpiled ovehe years. I even took out my old notebook from manxiety class again and reviewed it. I was starting temember the feelings of triumph I had when I ha

faced down my fears of the el and my panic attacks. finally became so frustrated with what I had let my lifonce again become that I decided I would start mecovery over again.

DO-OVER


93/302

had relapsed and found myself back where I hatarted two years earlier. However, this time there wa

a difference. I knew what I needed to do to get mconfidence back. I began the same way as beforeiding the el at lunch when it was least crowded.

Over that next winter, I stayed committed. I graduateo riding the el home from work during crowded rushours. I remember one particular day standing in packed train car stopped in between stations. I smileas I thought to myself, Wow, I know Im fine.

couldnt have a panic attack right now if I tried. I havo tell you, there isnt a more empowering feeling in thworld than to know you have conquered such remendous fear.

By January, I was feeling great and even went on nowboarding trip to Lake Tahoe with a few goo

friends. If youll recall, during my last ski trip a yeaearlier in Germany, I had experienced a panic attack.

happened while I was riding a crowded gondola to th


94/302


95/302

hat I couldnt sleep for days after I learned about theshings. I felt helpless being so far away from home.

ow that I fully understood the severity of the problem

at home, I was on edge. Any time I saw that a familmember was calling, my heart sank as I answered thcall, expecting the worst.

became a derailed train of fear and anxiety. My nervewere frayed, and I was constantly worrying about thituation at home. As I grew more and more anxious, evived some of the panic feelings I thought I had put test. One day, riding the el home after work, thing

eached a boiling point.

had another panic attack on the el, something thahadnt happened in almost two years. I exited the tra

at the next stop, completely shaken. The next day ried to prove my panic wrong by boarding the el againbut instead I talked myself into another panic attackLooking back now, I know I would have been okahad I just stuck it out and stayed on the train, but


96/302

exited after going only one stop. That was it. I waback to where I had started... again.

ow that the el was once again off limits for me,

eturned to taking buses to and from work. But wasnt long before even taking buses also caused mgreat distress. Several minor panic episodes ocrowded buses were added blows.

The tricky part about panic and anxiety is it may takust one particular event to shake your confidence in aareas of your life. Now that I was terrified of riding thel again, other problems that hadnt been there for

ong time started to creep back in.

Given that it was summer in Chicago (offering endlesopportunities for fun), I tried to enjoy myself. But I wa

holding back, ever fearful of another panic attack oembarrassing situation. I remember a dinner date I hawith a girl at an outdoor restaurant. I started to geanxious and panicky. I remember the fear I had that might get up and sprint away from the table. My what-


97/302

hinking was running my mind again. Even a casual datwith a cute girl was terrifying.

At this point, I just about gave up on dating. My lif

was in emotional shambles, although no one around mwould have known. After going through this for years, had become quite the actor. Then I had a new probleo deal with.

One of my best friends asked me to be in his weddinn September. This large wedding had an internationaflair to it with many people coming from abroad. would be held in one of the most crowded and anxiety

filled places in the world: New York City.

ow that my panic attacks were back and any pressurituation made me cringe, I dreaded being in th

wedding from the moment my friend asked me. Donget me wrong, I was very honored and happy for himbut my anxiety had once again come to rule my life.

n a last ditch effort to overcome my fears of being i

front of a crowd, I psyched myself up enough to atten


98/302

a Toastmasters meeting. Attending was something I haput off for years and had only tried once before.

The only previous meeting I had attended had been

year earlier at a different chapter in Chicago. Ill neveforget pacing in the hallway near the meeting roomdeciding whether or not I would actually go inEventually I did, and I couldnt believe I was actual

walking into my worst fear. Before the meeting startedhe club president approached the guests sitting in thback and asked if we wanted to introduce ourselves.

Despite my pounding heart, I knew this was why I ha

come to the meeting, so I agreed. To my surprise, I gohrough my introduction just fine. Unfortunately, I hadnattended another Toastmasters meeting since.

ow, however, I was really feeling the pressure of thupcoming wedding. I had four months before thceremony and figured if I attended the Toastmastermeetings regularly, I could overcome my fears of beinn front of a crowd and would be fine for the wedding.


99/302

was nervous for weeks before my first meeting, bueventually the day came and I did well. This time I tolmyself I would stick it out and keep going to meetings.

After attending meetings for a few consecutive weeks,cheduled myself to get up and give a real speech. M

mind was flooded with memories of the panic attack had in the German training class while trying to speak

Still, I had to press on.

As I took the stage, I spontaneously told the audienchow hard it was for me to be giving a speech, and thaId rather bungee jump off of the Sears Tower than b

up there speaking! This got the group laughing, but was the truth. They knew I was speaking from thheart, for I was noticeably nervous, but it didnt matteMy anxiety dropped dramatically once I got going. N

onger than fifteen or twenty seconds into my speech, was coasting and feeling confident.

When I finished my speech, I received a wonderfulupportive round of applause. I sat down, and a wav


100/302

of complete relief, elation, and accomplishment washeover me. I had a perm-a-grin that couldnt be removefrom my face. At the end of the meeting, thoastmaster asked me how I thought I did on mpeech, using a ranking of one to ten (with ten being th

best possible rating). I told them I thought my speecwas a nine, but for facing my fears, I gave myself wenty!

Because I had done so well, I got a bit cocky anustified skipping subsequent Toastmasters meetings.

Before I knew it, the wedding was only a month away

and I was an anxious disaster. Pat from mToastmasters group sent me an e-mail out of the blunviting me to participate in a humorous speech contesWith nothing to lose, I decided to go for it and signe

up.

Only two of us competed, but that didnt make me aness nervous. Having given my first speech successfulust a few months earlier made this one easier. I wo


101/302


102/302

hangover and was tired as hell, having been up latworrying about all that awaited me in New York. As had a full day ahead of me, I wanted to snap out of mdaze on the flight and hit the ground running Manhattan. After all, we didnt have anything but futuff planned for the first two nights (this wa

Wednesday, the wedding was Saturday). So, I orderemy usual double-shot latte in the airport and waited fo

my plane.

was very anxious thinking about standing up in front omore than 200 well-educated and successful NeYorkers and well-traveled foreigners. Knowing howformal and traditional the ceremony would be made mdread it even more. I remember as the plane took oand I was looking out the window at Lake Michigaand the coastline below, my worries swelled out o

control. Planes had never bothered me before, evewhen I was at my worst with panic attacks. But like or not, I was going to have to face one.

Before I knew it, ladies and gentlemenpanic attac


103/302

ime. Some of the fun thoughts in my mind include suchits as:

I have to be on this plane for two-and-a-hamore hours. Ill never make it!What if I go over and rip the door open? Whawould stop me from doing something like that?

What if I start freaking out and running up andown the aisles and cant calm myself downTheyll have to restrain me and lock me up, anIll be arrested when I get to New York. I wonmake the wedding, and Ill be a completembarrassment to everyone. Ill ruin the weddinand my friends whole marriage!What if I repeatedly run as hard as I can into thcockpit door trying to break in? Ill be arreste

and everyone will think Im a terrorist!

started to think that there was no way I could make hrough the wedding. Id have to call my friend once w

anded in New York (if I even made it through this fligh


104/302

without bringing down the plane!) and make up somnsane excuse. As the flight continued, I eventuallcalmed down somewhat. I was extremely frazzled anexhausted. I ordered a scotch, slammed it, and sloweturned to somewhat normal anxiety levels, or at lea

normal for me.

The two days before the wedding were fun, but I neve

eally let myself fully enjoy them. I was still worrieabout what loomed over my head, the ceremony itselWe explored the city and enjoyed much of the trip, buhe inevitable had come.

The night before the wedding, I opted not to go out ohe town with the rest of the wedding party. I knewhow much more anxious and awful I would feel whihung over and dehydrated, and I wanted to give myse

he best possible chance of surviving this event. I tosseand turned all night and probably got a few hours oleep. The dread and stress was unbearable. I couldn

wait for it to be over.


105/302


106/302

Chicago. Before we even finished taxiing to the runwaywas passed out cold. Guess thats one way to dea

with anxiety, lol.

The amount of relief I felt after getting through thwedding is indescribable. Something I had dreaded fonearly a year was over. Throughout my life Ive founhat the stress and tension I put my body through

uch circumstances can often take weeks or evemonths to flush itself out. This wedding was nexception.

had planned to begin putting my life back togethe

once the wedding was over, but now that it was done felt overwhelmed with depression. One randomorning, I had a panic attack on a bus bound for workHere we go again.

BOTTOMED OUT


107/302

remember the day clearly. It was November, and had called in sick to work, but not because I was tru

ick. I just felt like avoiding the world that day.

needed a haircut badly, so I figured Id get that out ohe way. For years Id been getting my hair cut bFranco, a popular Sicilian barber in my neighborhoodOn the weekends, you may wait two hours or more tee him. Since I was home for the day, I figured Id get out of the way. Plus, I wouldnt have to face the hugweekend crowd I dreaded.

ust before leaving my apartment, I started to envisiohaving a panic attack in the barber chair and what disaster it would be. How embarrassing it would be t

do that in front of a room full of other men and thbarbers whom I had befriended. I began to have panic attack right there in my living room just thinkinabout it! This was it, folks, my rock bottom, definitehe lowest point in my life. I had surpassed my previou

anxiety levels by so much that I was now having a pani


108/302

attack by myself in my own apartment! I was in thmost comforting and safe setting possiblein my homby myselfand I was still completely freaking out.

This was the final straw. With tears in my eyes, I voweo myself and to God that I was going to get my lifback. I was tired of what my life had become, and was going to fight back. I felt awful, completely beate

down by the world and my own fears. I was not goino be denied my life, and I was not going to give upAlthough I was out of self-confidence and didnt believn myself any more, there was still something deenside of me that refused to give up. Terrified buwalking with purpose, I made my way to thbarbershop.

While walking, I told myself, I know Im a disaste

ight now, but Im tired of my fears pushing me aroundm going to run right into the roar of the lion and pick

fight!

And so I did. I was as anxious as I had ever been in m


109/302

ife sitting there in the barbers chair. My heart rate hao be more than 150 beats per minute as Franco put thplastic sheet around me. But I said to myself over anover again, Im not going to run. Im staying righhere, as I lowered myself into the seat a little furtheignaling to myself that, like it or not, I was staying.

t took ten minutes in the barbers chair for me to final

calm down and realize I wasnt going to panicteminutes of hell followed by a wave of relief.

felt something I hadnt felt in a long time. I felt hopagain.


110/302

PART II

LEARNING THE

LESSONS


111/302

LEARNING THE LESSONS

N PART I, I TOLD YOU ABOUT my struggles witanxiety and panic. I was very lost for a very long timeTo help myself, I read many books, listened tnspirational audio programs, and even participated herapy sessions to find relief.

During this research, I gained a deeper understanding.made wonderful changes in my life, both physically anmentally. I experimented with various mental exercise

and practices, exposed myself to my fears, ansometimes!) learned from my mistakes. After a while,

achieved a sort of awakening in which my anxietproblems finally made sense.

While the journey was incredibly strenuous, it was alsvery rewarding. What I will do in Part II is to share thnsights and the knowledge I have gained in the movaluable waynot from psychology courses at

university or from talking to a bunch of doctors, bu


112/302

ather, through my personal experiences.

SO WHAT IS A PANIC ATTACK?

Lets start off with some education and scientificalldefine a panic attack. According to WebMD:

A panic attack is a sudden bout of intens

fear or anxiety that causes frightening but nolife-threatening symptoms such as a poundin

heart, shortness of breath, and the feeling o

losing control or dying. Usually from five t

twenty minutes long, a panic attack may btriggered by stressful circumstances or it may

occur unexpectedly.

(www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/tc/panic-attacks-and-panic-

disorder-topic-overview; Article: Panic Attacks and Pan


113/302

DisorderTopic Overview)

Seems like a logical description. For the purpose of thbook, you might also find my own definition useful:

A panic attack is a really scary feelin

that you are going to die, have a heart attack

or completely lose control and start flippin

out and going crazy. After youve had one, changes your life. Panic attacks can send yo

into a downward spiral of depression, shame

guilt, embarrassment, hopelessness, virtua

insanity, self-medication, and agoraphobia.

Before I really depress you, let me continue:

Panic attacks may also bring out the verbest in you, humanize and humble you, an

allow you to reach higher levels of self

confidence and consciousness that you neve

thought possible. They can help motivate yo


114/302

to right your course in the sea of life an

regain balance.

Let me tell you something important: Youre not crazy

Youre not losing your mind. Youre probably not goino act out any of the scary thoughts that keep replayinn your mind. In all of my scary panic-attack moments,never acted out any of the crazy thoughts I had.

Believe it or not, these frightening ideas that sometimefill your mind were actually put there by you. Of coursyou didnt mean to put them there, just as I didnt meao do the same to myself. But take solace in thisif yo

put them there, you can also remove them.

Most of the shadows of this lif

are caused by our standing in ouown sunshine.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON(American writer, poet, philosopher, and leader of th

Transcendentalist movement in the nineteenth century)


115/302

Are you turning green?

Physically speaking, its actually simple whathappening to you during a panic attack. As intelligent ahumans are, we still have many primal instincts of selfpreservation and survival ingrained in us. We have esponse system built into our psyche that nvoluntarily activated when our mind tells us that w

are in danger.

This response is referred to as fight-or-flight. Our bodeleases stimulants and adrenalin into the bloodstream

causing the heart to race, hair to stand up on the bacof the neck, muscles to tense, and we begin to perspireWhy? The mind has signaled to the body, Were iome serious trouble here, and we have to fight or flee

we want to survive!


116/302

The body becomes over-stimulated and ready to fighfor its survival. But why do we experience each specifiymptom? The reasons are as follows:

Your body releases sugars and adrenalin into thblood for added strength and speed.Your heart pounds to spread this energy-ric

blood to muscles throughout the body.Perspiration forms on your skin, making difficult for would-be predators to grasp you.Your hair stands up on end to make you appealarger and more intimidating to an attacker opredator.

This innate human ability has astounding positivpotential, such as when a sixty-year-old grandmothe

ifts a 3,000-pound burning car to save the lives of hegrandchildren. This remarkable system allows thhuman body to do truly miraculous things under extremdistress.


117/302


118/302

now, performing feats of strength at some sideshow.

During a panic attack, you are essentially awakeninyour own inner Incredible Hulk at very inappropriat

imes. How did this come to be? Over time, your minand thought processes have become skewed to aextreme degree. You are interpreting situations thamake you uncomfortable as dangerous and a threat t

your survival. Your mind is telling your body that it ifighting for its survival when you encounter sucituations.

Once your body starts to go into its fight-or-fligh

mode, the physical symptoms frighten you even moreYou feel as if you are no longer in control of your bodyYou wonder what you will do with this huge surge oemotional and physical energy, and your mind fills wit

cary possibilities and negative worries. You wonder iyoull actually act out some of these thoughts, whiccares you even further. Soon your horrible, crazhoughts are racing just as fast as your heartbea

Behold... a panic attack.


119/302

The good news is that the body cannot stay this overtimulated for very long. According to the Nationanstitute of Mental Health, a panic attack usually peak

within ten minutes, while the symptoms may last longewww.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/anxiety-

disorders/panic-disorder.shtml; Article: PaniDisorder)

n my experiences, however, my panic attacks rarelasted longer than thirty seconds. This doesnt mean thawasnt anxious or feeling on edge for minutes or eve

hours leading up to or following the actual panic attackRather, it means that when all of my emotions came to head and I peaked, it didnt last longer than thirteconds. I estimate that most of my panic attacks laste

under ten seconds. Albeit ten lousy seconds!

You see, its not the actual panic attack thats difficultather, its the anticipation and fear of a panic attackhat fuels your anxiety. This is where agoraphobicomes into the picture. Agoraphobia is defined as:


120/302

An anxiety disorder, often precipitated by

the fear of having a panic attack in a settin

from which there is no easy means of escape

As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia ma

avoid public and/or unfamiliar places. I

severe cases, the sufferer may become confine

to their home, experiencing difficulty travelin

from this safe place.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agoraphobia)

Even if I tell you that the worst panic attacks wont laonger than thirty seconds, the pessimist in you ma

espond, Sure, most last less than thirty seconds, buwhat if I am the extreme case? What if I have one thaasts longer? I am such an anxious mess that I know could have one that will last for hours!

Listen. I am telling you from my own experience thawhat you fear mosta true panic attackonly lasts foa very short time.


121/302

Why am I doing this?

Believe it or not, you are causing yourself to have paniattacks in your best interest. Thats not a typo, Ierious. You are having panic attacks for a very goodeason.

Your interpretations of experiences throughout your lifand other influences have conditioned you to forbeliefs about everything. For example, you believe you stare at the sun it will damage your eyes. Youparents and doctors have probably told you this, bumore important you know this to be true because yohave stared at the sun. You have personally felt the paint inflicts on your eyes. This belief has been reinforce

by your own experiences. Thus, you hold it to be a fachat staring at the sun is indeed harmful to your eyes.

ow lets analyze something common to many paniufferers, a fear of being in a situation in which the


122/302


123/302

with trafic and crossing bridges. You start to think thaeverything associated with your experience that mornins bad because you now have your experience aevidence. This evidence reinforces your thoughts unhey become beliefs, and beliefs are powerful thingThey shape your world and define what you can ancannot do, for better or worse.

You now believe that driving in heavy trafic over bridge is a threatening setting. Your experience that onfateful morning is proof, which provides reinforcemenand makes your belief even stronger. Now you avoihis situation, because you see it as a threat to youwell-being and happiness.

As you associate pain and fear with a situation, youmind signals your body to be on guard. If that situatio

arises, your survival mechanisms may be triggeredThese mechanisms take the form of the uncomfortablymptoms associated with a panic attackrapi

heartbeat, shaky and over-stimulated muscle

estlessness, and sweat. Your body launches the fight


124/302

or-flight response to your thoughts about this particulaituation.

Do you need these primal survival mechanisms t

urvive driving in heavy trafic or being stuck in crowded elevator? No, of course you donUnfortunately your body doesnt know the differencBecause of your beliefs, you have programmed you

mind that being stuck in trafic on a bridge is just adangerous and threatening to your survival as beincornered by a hungry dinosaur in a cave.

You are the one who put this belief into place and gav

t power. But dont despairthe good news is that yocan also take that power away. You created theproblem, yet you also hold its solution within you at thvery moment.

The standard progression of anxiet

and panic disorder


125/302

My panic attacks were caused by several factors, buwhat really fed them were the negative thoughts tha

flourished in my mind. In talking with many others whhave suffered from panic attacks, we noticed a typiccycle of events.

1) You have your first panic attack. Thcauses an unbelievable amount of distress anheartache. You have no idea what is happeninto you.I remember after my first one, the next few day

I was still completely frazzled thinking, What thhell was that? Even more troubling was thquestion, Is it going to happen again?

2) Your world begins to shrink. You are oedge hoping another panic attack doesncome. You start to think about your daily lifand all of the situations in which having a pani

attack would be catastrophic. Mundane task


126/302

such as riding in a car with others, sitting trafic, taking a crowded elevator, taking publitransportation, sitting in meetings in thworkplace, and so on. These are now threats tyou, so you avoid them. Your fear of anothepanic attack has a stranglehold on you angoverns your life. You will do anything to avoidthe embarrassment of having a panic attack

front of someone else.

3) Your battered self-confidence fades. This an especially cruel part of panic disorder, onthat affects all areas of your life.For me, I lost almost all confidence in thing

that I had been very good at throughout my life.found that any type of performance anxiety previously had experienced was amplified to a

extreme degree.

4) Agoraphobia sets in. You may be feelinmentally and emotionally broken. You dont do


127/302

anything that causes you to leave your comfozone whatsoever, unless you are forced toEven then, you come up with creative ways tavoid such situations.For me, just going to work every day was

nightmare. Id lie in bed dreading the nexmornings bus ride to work, and the ultimathorrorthe possibility of being pulled into

meeting and having to speak in front of otherAfter work, I went straight home. I didnt want tgo out and socialize anymore. I didnt want to risbeing in any scary or unpredictable situations

which I might embarrass myself.

5) You try self-medication. This involveindulging in any type of substance to calm dow

and attempt to forget your troubled thoughts.My choice was alcohol. Although I certainl

entertained the idea of drinking at work, I didncross that line. My consumption was limited t

binging nightly by myself just to help quiet m


128/302

racing mind. For years, I felt I needed severbeers just to fall asleep.

6) You try prescription medication. Still unsurof what is happening to you, you go to thdoctor. Having no true solution for you, doctorwill often prescribe an antidepressant to hel

relieve your symptoms. Some people do see aimmediate improvement.Despite trying many prescriptio

antidepressants, I still managed to have paniattacks. It was clear medication wasnt going t

solve my problems. I knew something else mube behind my behavior.

7) You search for your own answers. Noheres where the story starts to change. Youare assuming more responsibility by takinmatters into your own hands, and this positive. This is what led you to this book. You

hunger for freedom and demand for a bette


129/302

quality of life have motivated you. First ofgood for you! You are on the brink of a greaaccomplishment.This journey requires extensive self-exploratio

and open-mindedness. You have to be honeswith yourself and identify the weaknesses anproblems youve chosen to ignore. Now is thtime to face and overcome them.

WHY I THINK WE HAVERELAPSES

Over the course of a few years, I had overcome somof my worst fears multiple times, only to have theeappear with even greater strength. Why?

What had gone wrong? How could I have gone fro


130/302

nearly forgetting about panic attacks to constantagonizing over having one while getting a haircut, goino a restaurant or sharing a cab with friends?

ust as panic and anxiety are very complex, the answerare as well. Now that time has passed, and Im a littlolder and somewhat wiser, I can look back objectivelyHere are some key mistakes that led to my relapses.

Lesson #1: Finish the job.

knew deep down that I wasnt fully facing my fearand giving it my all. Being such a driven person in smany other areas of my life, why didnt I just follo

hrough? The answer: I was too afraid.felt like I had done enough. Its human nature to resi

change, and I fell right into that trap. I becamcomplacent.


131/302

On multiple occasions, I overcame my panic attackwhich was quite a feat considering how bad they habeen. I was able to take flights and ride crowded trainbuses, and cabs without even thinking twice. Howeveriumphant I felt, a monster lurked in my closet that attempted to ignore: performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety takes many forms. You may fea

peaking in front of a group, playing a sport before crowd, or even just walking past a group of onlookerFor some people, signing a check at the cashier with ine of people behind them is nerve racking. Manpeople are comfortable performing various activitieuntil you put them before an audience. The audiencmay consist of one person or many, many more. Thoot of this anxiety is the fear of disapproval.

Let me expand on this. I have a scientific backgrounengineering), and I like to approach problem

analytically. I studied extensively to learn what I coulabout panic attacks. I wanted to know my enemy so

would know how to defeat it. A simple fact tha


132/302

became clear to me was that a panic attack coul

not kill me. It might wreak havoc on my psyche annerves and upset my stomach, but it is no physichreat to my survival whatsoever.

So why was I so afraid of them? It turns out I wasnt.was afraid ofwhat people would think of me if I haone in front of them. My fear was that people woul

hink I was crazy or weird, and reject or disapprove ome.

felt that my friends would no longer want to hang ouwith me. Women would surely be frightened and neve

want to date me. Co-workers would think I was crazyand Id probably lose my job. I thought if I freaked oun the wrong place, such as on a plane, I might barrested and suddenly Id be a criminal! (What woul

my poor mother think?)

When I previously thought I had beaten my panic, I haonly overcome one specific aspect of my fear odisapprovalpanicking in a confined or inescapab


133/302

pace. I had beaten this fear twice, but my confidencdidnt last. I had ignored my performance anxiety.

The problem was that I still had many other situations

which my fear of disapproval had not been addressedDoing anything in front of a crowd, even playing friendly game of kickball in a fun co-ed league witfriends caused me tremendous fear and anxiety.

needed to face the fears I had been suppressing anhad hoped would go away on their own. I couldnt juovercome one fear and hope that the others woulmagically disappear. I had to face them all.

Ultimately we know deeply tha

the other side of every fear is a

freedom.

Marilyn Ferguson(best-selling author ofThe Brain Revolution)


134/302

Lesson #2: Get your ass in shape!

Throughout my life, anytime Ive allowed my physicfitness to slip, its caused problems. My self-confidencdropped because I didnt feel strong or energetic, and easily get out of breath while performing simpl

asks such as walking up a flight of stairs. Because hadnt been regularly exerting myself and strengtheninmy heart through cardiovascular exercise, my rapiheartbeat, a symptom of my panic, seemed unfamilia

and scary.When Im in good physical shape, however, my lifmproves. Because Im exercising regularly, my heart itronger. If I become anxious, it takes more anxiety t

aise my heart rate, thus making my symptoms lesfrightening.

When Im fit, I feel more confident and walk uprighwith a self-assured posture, signaling to the world (an


135/302

myself) that I feel strong. Feeling well physically directly related to the mental image I carry of myself.

Working out also helps regulate my sleeping patterns.

fall asleep more easily when Ive exercised that dayThink about what parents do with their hyperactive littkids. They let them run around and wear themselves ouo theyll collapse from exhaustion and sleep soundly a

night. Ive found its harder to have a panic attack wheve already burned off my excess energy througexercise. And just like a kid, if Ive worn myself out, leep more soundly at night.

Last, t

a life less anxious - freedom from panic - pavilanis, steve

Documents