a mother's heart excerpt

8/2/2019 A Mother's Heart Excerpt

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A Novel

Nicole F. McKnight

First Canadian Revised Edition

HeartAMothers


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2011 by Nicole F. McKnight

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form

whatsoever.

First Canadian Revised Edition.

All the characters in this book are fictional, have no existence outside the imagination of the author, and

have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. All the incidents are pure

invention.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

McKnight, Nicole F. (Nicole Fabienne), 1961-

A mother's heart [electronic resource] : a novel / Nicole F.

McKnight. -- 1st Canadian rev. ed.

Originally publ.: Frederick, MD : PublishAmerica, 2004.

Electronic monograph in PDF format.

ISBN 978-0-9869082-1-7

I. Title.

PS8625.K56M68 2011 C813'.6 C2011-903237-6


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Authors Note

To my readers: As you know, though this novel is a work of fiction, it is based on a true story.

The heart and soul of it was inspired by true events. Because many of you have reported that

you identified in very significant ways with the characters of A Mothers Heart, I wanted to

revamp it. I gave it a more contemporary voice and re-worked the scenarios for you. If you

enjoyed A Mothers Heart the first time, I know youll love this revised version even more!

Enjoy, and please visit me at www.libellulee-books.com.


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Dedication

This book is dedicated to the memory of my parents, Simon and Collette Larivire, who taught

me to always do my best and strive for success, and whose lives have inspired the story that

brought about the birth ofA Mothers Hearts first edition (published by PublishAmerica in

2004).

This second edition I dedicate to my husband, Charlie, light of life, and my son, Kristofor, childof my heart, for their unwavering love, support and patience, but above all, for their belief in

me.


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CHAPTER 1

Papa closed the door behind the doctor. He didnt say a word. He didnt look at her. He turned

into the hall, continued past the summer kitchen and silently disappeared into the store.

Gabrielle hadnt been privy to their conversation, but she didnt like the dismal glimmer thathad passed between the two men just now. Mama was very sick, but she was going to get

better. She had to.

Gabrielle ordered the worry from her face and poured fresh water into a glass. She lifted the

corners of her mouth into a smile and headed toward her mothers bedroom. She walked in

and crossed to the little table. Mama? The look in her mamas pale face stayed her hand

halfway to the nightstand. Mama, whats wrong? Gabrielle managed as fear clutched her

throat.

Instead of answering, her mother shifted her pain-ravaged eyes to the window. The water glassforgotten, Gabrielle followed her mothers gaze to the bleak winter scene where grey clouds

gathered and the wind harassed leafless trees. She heard the snowflakes brush the window, a

light tick before they gathered on the sill. A soft sigh escaped Mamas dry lips and she closed

her eyes, fingering her rosary.

Gabrielle set the glass down and watched in apprehensive silenceMama was praying. Praying

with devastating despair. Fidgeting with the corner of her apron, Gabrielle bit her lip, dread

settling in the pit of her stomach like a stone. A few minutes passed, then Mama heaved in a

long breath and beckoned Gabrielle nearer.

Gabrielle leaned in close and covered her mothers chilled hands, What is it Mama? What can I

do?

Her breath came out in a wheeze. Mama closed her eyes briefly and gripped Gabrielles hand.

Give me some brandy, love, will you? she whispered.


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2 A Mothers Heart

Gabrielle nodded and reached for the brandy. It soothed, dulled Mamas pain between the

doses of the strong medicine she could only have every four hours. As Gabrielle poured, her

eyes shifted to the bottle of Laudanum the doctor had prescribed. It made Mama confused and

disoriented, and it made her sound like a different person. It frightened Gabrielle sometimes,

but Dr. Letendre said this was the strongest medicine for pain, and the only thing he could dofor her mother now. The rest was up to God.

After a few swallows of the brandy, Mama seemed stronger. Gabrielle, I want you to do

something for me. Her dull eyes bore into Gabrielles with a hint of their old spark. She sipped

again. I want you to go to the attic. She emptied the glass, and continued in short bursts.

Beside the stackof cardboard boxes. In the trunk. Youll find black dresses. Take all of them

out. Youll needone foreach of the girls. She lay back winded.

Black dresses? One for each of the girls? Wha..? Oh Mon Dieu, please dont let her talk to me

about...

Of course theyll need to be adjusted, washed and pres A phlegmy cough stole her breath

and Mama brought a frail hand to her chest.

Gabrielle swiftly adjusted the pillows so Mama might breathe easier. Seeing moisture glistening

on her forehead and gathering on her upper lip from the shear effort of it, Gabrielle reached for

the cloth she kept in a basin of water and wrung it out. She wiped her mothers face tenderly.

The dresses...washed and pressed, Mama finished with difficulty.

Gabrielle turned to put away the cloth. Desolation beat at her eardrums, drowning out hermothers words. Tears rose in her throat, choking her as she fought to keep them inside. If

Mama could be so brave, she could do no less. She swallowed over the lump in her throat and

faced her mother.

M-mama, she stammered, tugging the sides of her cardigan one over the other across the

fear that chilled her heart. Were Her eyes pooled with unshed tears. She swallowed,

crossed her arms over the sweater and tried again, Were not going to needyou dont

mean...

Go do it, my girl. Even though her voice cracked with weakness, there was no arguing with

Mama once she made up her mind. I need to sleep , she added, her tone softening.

Yes, Ma. Gabrielle nodded, blinking back tears. She rubbed a palm across the back of her

mothers hand, kissed her cheek. Ill come back and check on you in a little while, she said,

hefting up the thick comforter that had slipped off because of all the coughing, and pulled it up

under Mamas chin.


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Nicole F. McKnight 3

Once outside her mothers room with the door shut behind her, Gabrielle swallowed hard, took

a slow breath, and closed her eyes. Instead of bringing the calm she sought, the action conjured

the morning the ambulance had come for her mama.

That morning was stamped on Gabrielles brain forever. Mama had taken a turn for the

worsethe radiotherapy hadnt worked and the doctor wanted to operate. Papa had asked for

a few hours off work. He greeted the paramedics sombrely and handed them the papers Dr.

Letendre had signed.

Just seeing the white vehicle entering the drive had been enough for Gabrielle. Gripped by an

inexplicable fear of having to accompany Mama to the hospital and what they would do to her

mother there, Gabrielle hid behind her mothers bedroom door when the ambulance men

came in.

Meanwhile the attendants lifted Mama onto a stretcher and loaded her into the ambulance.

The paramedics left and Papa returned to work, but Gabrielle stayed rooted in this very spot in

the doorway of the bedroom for a long time before returning to her chores.

Gabrielle opened her eyes and swiped at the tears on her cheeks. She pushed away from the

door and walked slowly down the hall. She remembered the day her mother took her out of

school to help around the house. Her shoulders sagged a little. That was three years ago, but

her heart still sank at the thought. Gabrielle understood that her mother needed an extra pair

of hands, and truth be told, she really didnt mind all that much. Oh, sometimes she watched

the others go off to school and envied them for the things theyd learn and the games theyd

play in school that day, but mostly she just dug into her work with a cheery heart. She enjoyedhelping Mama and always did her best to live up to her responsibilities. The fact that her

mother needed her made Gabrielle feel proud and grown-up. That was before Mama went to

see Dr. Letendre. Before everything changed.

Mamas illness started with a lump in her breast that gradually grew larger and more painful,

instead of going away, so shed finally allowed Papa to take her into town to see Dr. Letendre. It

was cancer, theyd been told. His first plan of attack was using radiation, but ensuing surgery

confirmed that the cancer had spread. Metastasized Dr. Letendre called it. The surgeons did

what they could and followed with more radiotherapy, but everyone whispered that the

prognosis wasnt good.

When Mama came home from the hospital, tending to her had naturally fallen to Gabrielle,

since she already almost single-handedly saw to the running of the house. As the weeks wore

on though, Gabrielle grew more and more concerned as her mothers condition worsened.


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4 A Mothers Heart

It hadnt been easy growing up so many years in just a few months, but Gabrielle knew she had

no choicethere was no one else. Yet the weight of the responsibilities thrust upon her was

nothing compared to the dread descending on her. The black dresses could mean only one

thing.

She shook her head, set her jaw. There was no time to worry. Mama had given her a task and,

heaven help her, she was going to see it through. With the relief that always came with action,

Gabrielle marched herself into the kitchen for the matches to light a lamp, then turned toward

her bedroomthe attic was dusty, shed need a kerchief for her hair.

Upstairs, Gabrielle opened the first drawer of the bureau she shared with her sister Francine,

and rummaged through it. When you take your umbrella with you in case it rains, it never does.

The thought just popped into her mind. That was it! Mama was just preparing them for the

worst, that way it wouldnt happen. Clinging to that thought, she sniffled and ran a knuckle

under her eyes to dry them. She found what she was looking for and was about to close thedrawer, when she realized what a mess shed made in her agitation. She stopped to rearrange it

before securing the kerchief on her head. She tied the ends neatly under her braids and picked

up the oil lamp from the night table. After looking in on the two youngest boys napping in the

next room, she proceeded down the hall toward the attic door.

The heavy wooden door opened onto narrow steps. Oh, how she hated those steps. They were

steep and led to a dark gloomy place, where she had climbed only once before, a long time

agoto get the cradle Papa had made for the first baby, the cradle that each baby in turn had

spent its firsts days in.

She remembered Mamas pains had come early and, since Papa was haying in the field with the

older boys, Gabrielle and Francine had been sent up to get the cradle. The baby had only lived

for two hours. , with this terrible task ahead of her, Gabrielle wished Fran were here.

She set the lamp down on the windowsill at the bottom of the stairs, walked up to push open

the trap door, and hurried back down again. She fished in the pocket of her apron for the

matchbox shed brought from the kitchen. She lit the wick, picked up the lamp in o ne hand her

skirts in the other, and climbed three quarters of the way. She set the lamp on the door and

scrambled up the last steps into attic space.

The roof pitched upward in dark beams above her, and her shadow sprang up the wall,

elongated and grotesque. It was shivery and dusty up here, mysterious with the collections of

generations past gathered all around. Boxes, pieces of broken furniture and a small pile of

discarded booksMamas probably, from her schoolteacher dayswere stacked beside the old

cedar chest.


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She fingered the old volumes with wonder. Curious, she plucked one off the pile and blew off

the dust. It was a history book. Inside the cover she read: This book belongs to Miss Anna

Bensette. Perhaps it was during her teaching yearsbefore shed marriedthat Mama had

developed the special kind of organization and motivation skills that she would so effectively

use on her family. Her joie de vivre mustve made her very popular with her students, Gabriellemused.

She smiled as she stroked her mothers angulated script inside the books cover. It was hard to

imagine Mama as anyone but the strong, funny, loving mother she knew. There was no one in

the world like Mama. Sometimes, while they were preparing supper, she would start telling a

funny story. Gabrielle would get laughing so hard, shed lose track of what she was doing and

peel too much off the potatoes. Without missing a beat, Mama would see, correct her, then go

on with the story, her cheery laughter filling the kitchen with love.

In the summer, Mama would send the little ones to wash their feet in the dew while sheprepared breakfast and the older children went about the morning chores around the farm.

When they were indoors and became too noisy, shed call them to the window and point out

the swallows perched on the barn roof. See the little birds? shed say, her voice hushed.

Watch how they tilt their heads toward heaven. Theyre talking to God. Shed smile and

whisper, Listen... Hear them signing their prayers? With wide-eyed belief, calm ensued and

silence would reign for a few precious moments. No matter what she was doing, hanging out

the wash, scrubbing the dairy down or weeding the garden, Mamas singing could be heard

mingling with the sounds of nature. Her voice was as much a part of the soothing sounds of

summer as was the bird chatter, the croak of frogs or the cheep cheep of crickets. Gabriellesighed.

She approached the cedar chest as though it was Pandoras Box. Then with childish trust, she

brought the lamp closer. Surely if she opened it to the light, hope would dissipate the shadow

of death that the idea of the black dresses had cast into her heart. When you take your

umbrella with you in case it rains, it never does. Once again, the phrase came to her as if to give

her heart courage. She dusted off the chest cover with her hand, and slowly lifted it.

There were old photos in the compartments dividing the top box-like shelf. She recognized one

that mightve been her father as a young boy. Curbing the temptation to study th em and delaythe inevitable, Gabrielle pulled the shelf out and set it down atop an old crate.

The first thing that caught her eye was a small bundle wrapped in a dishcloth. Lifting it out

carefully, she unfolded it to discover it was the Sainte-Anne porcelain font for holy water that

had always hung in the old house. She remembered it had broken during the move. Mama had

said shed glue it one of these days and hang it in the entryway, so that her patron saint could


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6 A Mothers Heart

protect this houseas it had the previous onefrom the destruction of fire. Making up her

mind to do just that the minute she had free time, Gabrielle wrapped it up again and set it

down beside her. Again, she bent to her task, leaning deep into the fragrant trunk, to continue

her search. Under a layer of clothes that smelled of mould and mothballs, she found the

dreaded black dresses.

As soon as she lifted them out, the smell of incense that still clung to them caused a memory to

rush to the fore with a force that surprised her. It was the image of a coffin set in the suffused

purple of the candle-lit space below the chancel of Saint-Aims Church.

Aunt Emma, her Godmother, had passed away three days after Gabrielles fifth birthday.

Gabrielle hadnt understood much about the funeral goings-on, but as long as she lived, she

would never forget the sombre ceremony. Everyone wore black. The air, thick with the pungent

odours of flowers, incense and burned wax, made Gabrielles stomach heave.

After a lot of wailing and praying, and talking about the poor soul, Grandma took Gabrielle by

the hand to go visit Auntie before the final closing of the casket. Visit. Thats what shed said.

Were going to go visit Aunt Emma. You couldnt visit with a dead person. They were cold and

stiff. The someone theyd been inside was gone.

The absurdity of that visitespecially the grownups insisting she touch Auntie to say

goodbyehad been totally terrifying. Aunties skin was cold and grey -white, and she smelled

weird. Trying not to cry, Gabrielle had averted her eyes and focussed on the statue of the child

Jesus. But then shed thought, Jesus might be sad because after all, Auntie was going to be with

Him . Then there were the things shed overheard her big sisters whisper regarding preparingthe corpse for the wake. She shivered and shook out the dresses.

There were five, varying in size, all made with thick rough cotton. As she sat back on her

haunches holding them, the full meaning of what her mother asked her to prepare for became

a vice around her chest. It squeezed and squeezed, stealing her breath and leaving a hole

somewhere near her heart, a hollowness that burned as she tried to breathe. She sat huddled

in the pale light of the lamp, crushing the dresses to her, while the wind buffeted the house,

echoing the pain in her heart as it wailed gustily through the cracks in the attic.

Oh, no, Mama, she uttered, her voice raw. Please, you cant leave us. The supplicationcame in a whisper through muffled sobs.

Hail Marys and Our Fathers spilled from her trembling lips. She offered up her despair to God

and prayed, imploring him to give her strength. Her eyes burned and she tasted salt and dirt

from the tears that ran down her dusty face into her mouth.


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How could they carry on without Mama, without her smile, without her singing? Who would

tell them the stories about the good old days? Dear God, please heal her, shes your most

devoted servant. Shes a loving mother and she never lets us forget our prayers or the rosary

every night. She never sins. Oh, heavenly Father, shes the closest thing to an angel you have

here on earth and...And we need her so much. Her body sagged in dejection, and heaving sobsovertook her.

She gave way to the pain and let her tears fall, offering them to God. When the torrent slowed,

she caught her breath and continued in urgent hiccups, Dear L-Lord, I know Im not s-supposed

to question your will, but how can I not? It isnt fair for you to ask me to give her up to

demand the little ones grow up without knowing her. She sniffled, wiped her nose with the

back of her hand. B-because theyll forget her laughter, her stories. Her songs.

Before Mama got sick, life used to be so pleasant, so full of fun and laughter, Lord. One time,

during taffy making, you know? Fran started a sticky game of tag with the wooden spatulasHer breath hitched on a strangled laugh. W-we chased the boys right into the house, giggling

and hollering and carrying on, you know? Welluntil we came up short, bumping into Mama.

Gabrielle passed a knuckle under her nose again and went on. She tried to scold us for running

in the house, but couldnt. Instead, she burst out laughing. She even helped us catch Lionel.

Mama was so pretty when she laughed, Lord. Her brown eyes shone and the sound of her

laughter always made us feel happy inside. Gabrielle paused in her remembering, then added

dreamily, I love the way she lifts a hand to smooth the wisps of hair that escape the braid

down her back.

She shook her head, heaved a shuddering breath and mopped her face with a corner of her

apron, before replacing the shelf and closing the chest cover. How long had she been crouched

here, clutching her memories? Her legs were stiff and suddenly, she was aware of the cold

through her cardigan. Reluctant to get back to the here and , she got to her feet.

Encumbered by the dresses and the font, she backed down the first few steps. She stretched to

blow out the lamp, picked it up and pulled the trap door shut before making her way back

down.

She replaced the lamp, and went down to splash her face with water from the basin on the

kitchen sideboard. She didnt want Mama or the babies to see her puffy eyes and worry. Also,

shed do well to hide the dresses. The others would be home from school in a while. She didnt

want anyone to catch sight of them and start asking questions to which Gabrielle had no

answers.

God, how on earth would she break this to Fran? Francine was going to have as much trouble

facing the black dresses as she had. In fact, knowing Fran, shed simply refuse to listen. But


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8 A Mothers Heart

Gabrielle needed to tell someoneand who else could she talk to about this? Francine was her

best friend and her confidante.

After drying her face, Gabrielle tucked the black dresses under the stack of mending and ironing

atop the Singer sewing machine in the far corner of the kitchen. Surely, no one would look

there. No sooner had she hidden them away, than the two little ones awakened and she was

back upstairs.

She scooped them up, one toddler on each hip. It was a relief to have them to take her mind off

the dread that had settled over her. They wrapped their arms around her neck as she carried

them down. Taking solace against her sorrow, she nuzzled them, breathed in the baby smell she

loved. She hugged them gently. Their warm little bodies, limp from sleep, comforted her.

She gave them milk and oatmeal cookies, which they gobbled down as small boys do, leaving a

mess of crumbs on the table and a white moustache under their noses. She wiped their face

and hands, applying tricks and tickles against their objections, then dressed them for outside.

Once they were busily trudging in the snow, she went down the hall to peek in on Mama.

Finding her sleeping peacefully, Gabrielle decided it was the perfect time to set to work on the

font.

Turning it over in her hands, she examined the damage. The small porcelain figure of Saint-

Anne stood behind the font, her arms wide, displaying the receptacle for holy water. As

Gabrielle studied the Bonne-Sainte-Anne, as Mama called her patron saint, the porcelain face

seemed to shine with heavenly perfection. Luckily, that part of Mamas treasure hadnt been

damaged in the move five years before.

Gabrielle had been eight years old when the family moved to this farm. The town had wanted

to appropriate the stream on their old farm to bring water to the village, so town officials made

arrangements with Papa. they lived at the Vanier farm, which had earlier become town

property. It was closer to the school and church, about a mile from the town of Asbestos,

named after the open pit asbestos mine, the Johns-Manville, where Papa worked as a daily

labourer making moulds and sweeping.

At school, Gabrielle had learned that asbestos was a fibrous mineral with special fire, heat and

sound insulating properties. Papa had explained that the mined asbestos fibres were sorted and

graded to be used in fabrics or moulded goods, mostly for the purpose of making building

materials.

The new farm suited them perfectly. Papa hired a man to help the older children work the

extensive land and take care of the animals, while he continued to work at the mine. From the


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bottom of the new farm, they could still see the old elm tree beckoning them from their land-

over-yonderas Papa had baptized the old property. Every summer the family gathered for

picnics in the shade of its umbrella-like branches.

Shortly after the move to the Vanier house, Mama, with her ingenuity and good business

acumen, opened a general store. It was set up in the large front section of the house, with a

separate door to the right of their entryway so customers could access it from outside.

Soon her little business was known up and down the neighbouring rows. People even came

from out of town to buy their supplies, and travellers often stopped in as well.

Colourful flowers rioted red, pink and gold along the porches in the summer. Asparagus and

peonies mingled with petunias, jonquils and alyssums made a pretty island across the entrance,

providing a decorative circle drive for the horse and buggies and motorcars to come and go

easily.

Gabrielle always enjoyed working in the store. To her way of thinking, tending the store was a

glamorous sort of job. It was fun to fill Mrs. Reneaults egg basket or dispense bread flour for

Mrs. Scott. They also sold sugar, butter, cream, milk, and in season, vegetables from the

garden. Other necessities such as lamp oil and lighter fuel were provided through a travelling

salesman who came round regularly.

It was quite a balancing act to co-ordinate housework, the store and caring for her mother, but

Gabrielle managed somehow. Perhaps Mamas organization skills were rubbing off on her.

Nevertheless, she was thankful for the weekends, when Fran could help. It meant Gabrielle

might be free to babysit for the neighbours and earn a little pocket money.

Her thoughts returning to the task at hand, Gabrielle examined the font more closely. The

receptacle was cracked and chipped, but it looked like the chunk wrapped in the dishcloth had

broken off clean. She carefully took the pieces to the large kitchen table, and set to work by the

window, where the light was best, and where she could keep an eye on the little ones.

She dabbed a bit of glue along the jagged edge of the loose piece and meticulously worked it

place. Then, using a darning needle, she guided a thin line of adhesive along the length of the

crack, from the lip to the middle of the bowl to seal it. She set the font aside to dry on the

worktable beside the sewing machine. When it was ready, Gabrielle would show it to Mama,

and fill the small font with Easter Water to hang in the entrance hall.

Easter Water was collected from the stream on their old property just before sunrise on Easter

Sunday, and blessed by Father McGregor during Easter Sunday Mass. Mama kept it in a small

crock in the pantry. It had many uses.


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10 A Mothers Heart

When a violent electrical storm hit, Mama would sprinkle it in the windows for divine

protection. When Papa bestowed the New Years benediction, he would dip his fingers in the

ladle, and make a small cross on your headfrom Mama down to the smallest babe. Easter

Water might be used when praying for a sick child or administering the last rites. It was also

said to be effective when performing exorcisms.

Not long after she finished the repairs on the font, Gabrielle heard her brothers and sisters

returning from school, joking and hollering as they got ready to do their outside chores. She

plucked her coat from the entry hook and opened the door halfway. Leaning a shoulder against

the doorframe, she folded her arms over the crisscrossed edges of her coat and watched her

siblings unobserved.

Francine came out of the hen house, swinging a basket of eggs in one hand and her

schoolbooks in the other. Gabrielle winced as Francines outgrown coat sleeves rode halfway up

her forearm when she raised the basket. Ill have to give her Audreys hand-me-down that Ifixed for myself last week, she thought, the sleeves that were too complicated to hem will fit her

arms better. I dont need it except for church anyway, she convinced herself. Besides, I can

always wear Frans for thatthe outgrown sleeves wont be so noticeable on me.

Fran noticed Gabrielle watching from the doorway. She looked up and held up the basket. Hi,

sis. Nice haul huh? she called. Enough for omelettes in the morning andto sell in the store,

she hollered over the noise of the four youngest playing leapfrog in the snow.

Gabrielle was taken aback. Shed never realized before how much her younger sister truly

resembled her. As Fran neared the house, Gabrielle eyed her sister, appraising. Fran was aslightly rounder, half-inch taller version of Gabrielle, her hair ash brown whereas Gabrielles

was lighter.

She shook her head. No wonder everyone had taken to calling them the twins. It was almost

like looking in the mirror! Not only that, they were less than a year apart in age and

inseparableat least they had been up until Mama got sick.

Fran came up the steps, kissed Gabrielles cheek and grinned. Her smile showed slightly

overlapped eyeteeth and a small gap in the front, where she d chipped a tooth once, playing

baseball with the boys. This made her mild lispa condition that afflicted many of the Gregorychildrenmore noticeable and caused her to pronounce certain words with a hissing sound.

Gabrielle opened the door wider to let her in. What do you feed the hens, I ask you? Look at

the sizeof these eggs, she teased as she took the basket. Ill help you clean them while you

tell me everythingthat happened at school today, then well get supper started. They peeled


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off their coats and linked arms to walk into the kitchen together, kindred spirits no matter

what, work or play.

For Gabrielle there was very little play these days. It was just as well, she supposed. Work was

the one thing she could count on to keep the bte-noire from creeping into her thoughts. After

all, when one was focussed on feeding thirteen hungry mouths, cleaning up after thirteen

messy people and running the store, there wasnt much time for thinking let alone worrying.

Marcel and Justin were at it again today, Francine said with a mischievous spark in her eyes as

she pumped water into the sink. Marcel was harassing Justin, you know, the way he always

does? Well, hes going on about Justin looking like a ranch hand with his tattered pants and all,

and then he says, What? Didnt have time to change after doin your Pas work this morning?

We all know hes a drunk. So Justin picks up Marcel by the shirtfront and forces him backward

all the way out of the school house into the yard, where he proceeds to pummel him until Miss

Gervais comes out and physically separates them!

Youre joking! Mild mannered polite Justin?

The very same.

Gabrielle shook her head. She liked Justin. He was one of the older boys at school. He was

bright, kind, and strong looking, but for all his muscles, he was gentle as a lamb. Gabrielle

thought it unfair that the other boysespecially Marcelalways made fun of him. Bravo I say.

Its about time Justin stands up to that bully finally!

She had told him to once, when, walking home from school he had fallen in step beside her andMarcel the bully has started taunting and mimicking, egged on by his two sidekicks. Gabrielle

had resisted the urge to go punch him out herself. Shed grabbed Justins books and said under

her breath, Show em what youre made of. Hed hesitated, saying his Ma didnt like him

fighting. She wouldnt want you taking this abuse. Go on, shed urged.

No sooner had Justin rolled up his sleeves and put up his dukes than Marcel veered off in the

opposite direction, his cronies loping alongside him. She and Justin had taken the long way

back. Hed carried her books as they discussed the geography assignment they were to

complete for homework. Shed gotten home late and had had to rush through her chores so

Mama wouldnt scold her.

As she scrubbed the eggs, Gabrielle was no longer listening to the tale of Frans day. Without

realizing it, as she often did lately, she slipped back to an easier, better time.

Not that long agoyet a lifetime ago it seemedher days had gone along according to the

routine that governed most French Canadian households. School, chores, play, the rosary at


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12 A Mothers Heart

seven oclock each evening and church on Sunday. There was never a dull moment in the

Gregory household.

Life had been pleasantly simple then. Though she always had her hands full with the house, the

outside work or the store, Mama always found a few minutes to play with themas long as

their homework and their chores were done. Kickball in the backyard. A round of cards. A

snowball fight. Everyone would join the frayeven Pa Joe, as the older boys called Papacould

be persuaded on occasion.

Leisure time did not abound however. Mama had special jobs for everyone in her brood. Haying

was reserved for the older boys. Feeding the animals, weeding the garden or milking the cows

were jobs the school-aged children were assigned. The task of collecting the eggs usually fell to

the young girls. And berry picking in season was a family affair.

Mama knew her children well and assigned duties accordingly. She made it known that

whatever job you did, the spirit with which you worked was what mattered in the eyes of God,

and so it was important to always do your best.

Gabrielle believed strongly in that principle. She strived to make God, Mama and Miss Gervais

proud, whatever she undertook. Secretly shed hoped to continue her education and join the

convent. But those dreams seemed as likely as her joining the circus.

The two eldest girls in the family were married, and Lorie worked on the farm. The next

daughter in line was Audrey, but since shed entered the postulate before misfortune hit, it was

Gabrielle whod been taken out of school to help out in the house. Lucky Audrey. Gabrielle had

to admit she was a little envious.

Without a doubt, it wouldbe nice to have an education, to have her own room and the priory

cook prepare the meals. Wouldnt she love to have time left over from her studies to read or do

fancyworkafter all, idle hands might be tempted to do the devils work. It was much better to

use them for ladylike graces like embroidery, which could be put to good use in the convent or

in the church.

Gabrielle knew it had been hard for her mother to withdraw her from schoolhaving been a

teacher, Mama believed strongly in educationbut with a large family to care for and her

health deteriorating, shed needed the help and Gabrielle had been the obvious choice. She

thrived on working beside her mother, without a single thought to shirking her tasks. Though

she tried not to show it, Gabrielle knew there was a special place in her Mamas heart for her.

Theyd enjoyed many heart-to-heart moments while working together. As Gabrielle visualized

the years stretching ahead without her guidance, she wondered what would become of them

all.


18/70


Right, Gabs? ... Gabs?

Gabrielle blinked. Sorry, Franc, she said, using her pet name for Francine to chase away the

worried look in her sisters eyes, I guess Im just tired.

Softly sighing away a tinge of envy for things that mightve been, Gabrielle went diligently backto work. Keep your chin up, girl, she told herself.

Fran gave her sister an inquisitive look but asked no questions as they prepared the evening

meal side by side.

The tablecloth was smoothed on and the meal served, but suppertime wasnt the same either.

Even though it had been ages since Mama had joined them at the supper table, they just

couldnt get used to her chair being vacant. Without her to buffer Papas sternness, the evening

routine seemed flat.

Put your hands on your lap, mister, we havent said grace yet, Gabrielle chastised Ross as he

reached for the bread. Not in the least intimidated by his sister, he eyed her with an arch glance

from across the table as Lorie proceeded to say grace.

Gabrielle dished chicken stew into little Donnys bowl and turned to Francine, Franc, would

you mash this and feed the baby while I serve the little ones, please?

Sure.

Sonya, Marjolaine, Danielle and George were seated side by side, waiting their turn. Sonya tried

to keep little George from squirming out of his seat. Sit nicely, Georgie and Ill spread your

bread with extra butter for you. At nine, she was already like a little mother to him.

Okay! But dont mash my tatoes. Im not a baby.

When everyones plate was filled and the bread and butter passed around, the family ate with

relish. This is really tasty, girls, you did a good job. Luc smiled appreciatively. Worldly -minded

and bossy though he was Luc was always kind.

Oh, Maggie dear, dont eat your potatoes with your fingers. Use your fork. Danielle wiped

Maggies fingers and looked at her with encouragement. Thats a good girl , she smiled.Marjolaine had a mild mental deficiency and would sometimes regress to babyish behaviour.

Danielle, though slightly younger, had become her champion and always looked out for her.

Mama would be proud, thought Gabrielle.

It looks like were going to get more snow. I hope it doesnt turn into a blizzard, Papa

commented.


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14 A Mothers Heart

If we do, Jeffrey-Todd will be put in charge of the hen house, stated Lorie. She looked

pointedly at JT. Last time the animals needed to be sheltered in the barn, you forgot to

separate Brandy and Biscuit the next day, and Biscuits in foal. She shouldnt be. Not until next

year at the very earliest.

Yeah yeah, listen to the old maid, miss know-it-all, grumbled JT.

Lorie, the old maidso named by her siblings because she had long since passed the suitable

marrying agewore overalls and took care of the outside jobs. Cleaning out the stalls, seeing to

the chickens, feeding the cows and working in the fields were the chores Lorie excelled at and

seemed to enjoy best. She could put in a hard days work and accomplish as much as any one of

the men. In fact, it was she who oversaw the work to be done in and around the barnyard. She

even helped with the haying.

Old maid indeed. If it wasnt for your lack of diligence youd be a good worker, JT, Lorie said

with the gentle sarcasm that was her habit and reputeand always delivered without even the

hint of mirth.

Be nice to him, Lo, you knowhe has difficulty working without his ol pal Lionel, Ross put in.

Without looking up from his plate, JT cuffed him upside the head.

It was true. He did miss his older brother Lionel, who had fled to Ontario to join the army after

his last row with Pa Joe. But in as much as JT was the spitting image of his father, blonde and

lanky, he had none of Papas industriousness. He lived one day at a time, quite happy to be told

what to do, as long as he could get a pint or two down his gullet on a regular basis.

Oh. I almost forgot, Gabrielle said. Rose dropped by on Marys behalf this morning. Shes

been having dizzy spells again. The doctor has ordered her to bed-rest for a few days, so shell

need an extra pair of hands on the weekend.

Because of Marys frail constitution, she often needed assistance, and often asked Gabrielle and

Francine to come to her house to do chores or help tend the children.

Ill go Gabrielle, Fran offered. Youve got enough on your hands. Ill take Danielle and George

with me. Theyll keep Marys little ones occupied so she can rest and I can concentrate on thehousework.

When everyone had eaten their fill and the table was cleared, Fran and the children settled at

the table with homework or cut-up paper bags and crayons. Gabrielle made her way to her

mothers room with a tray. Papa was already there, pulling the drapes closed against the

evening chill. Mama, Ive brought you a little supper, she said, setting the tray down.


20/70


Oh my sweet girl, her mother replied. Im afraid Im not very hungry. Her voice was thin and

gravelly.

Ma, you have to give it a try, Papa said gruffly. Its really very good, he added more gently,

winking at Gabrielle.

That made Gabrielle nervous, because Pa Joes face was rarely other than serious or

contemplative. Except when he spoke to store customers or to his co-worker friends. And shed

neverheard him compliment anyone before. She stared blankly at him until she heard him say,

Come on, girl, help me prop your mother up a little.

Yes, Pa.

As he gently eased her into a semi-sitting position, Gabrielle slipped more pillows behind

Mamas back for added support. When she was relatively comfortable, Gabrielle fed her a little

of the broth from the stew she and Fran had made for supper. Mama only managed a fewspoonfuls before she grew exhausted and they had to lie her down again. Papa gave her a dose

of Laudanum and she drifted off to sleep.

After the dishes, the children dutifully recited the rosaryled by Lorie , and the little ones were

bathed and put to bed. Fran and Gabrielle set the table for breakfast, and, after a last check on

their mother, went up to prepare for the night.

It was there in the darkness, snuggled down under the covers next to Frans warmth that

Gabrielle was finally able to share her burden.

Franc... How could she put it into words?

Fran twisted in the bed to look at her. Gabrielle opened her mouth but no sound came out.

Well, what? enquired Francine impatiently.

Gabrielle swallowed and hauled the duvet up to her chin, gathering her courage.

Whats eating you, Gabs? And dont go telling me nothing because I can tell this is big. Youve

been preoccupied all evening, and dont think I havent noticed your red eyes.

Gabrielle heaved a sigh and tried again, Franc...Mama sent me to the attic to

Well if thats whats upset you, you should have waited for me. I would have gone up with you.

I know how you hate going up there and

Gabrielle shook her head, gripped Frans wrist. You dont understand. She sent me up there to

get the black d-dresses from the trunkshe swallowed and licked her lips because her mouth


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16 A Mothers Heart

had gone dry from nervesShe s-said that each of us girls will need one. Choking on a sob,

she gulped and cried, Oh, Franc, Im so frightened!

Fran swallowed hard and gripped Gabrielles hands tightly. By the light of the moon shining

through the window she searched her sisters face, but refused to acknowledge what she saw in

the solemn eyes looking back at her. Then, sounding very much like their mother, she said,

Gabrielle Gregory, get a hold of yourself. You know Mama, shes always preparing for the

worst. Besides, you know what Grandma always, says: when you bring your umbrella in case it

rains, it never does. She mimicked their grandmother perfectly.

When Gabrielle didnt laugh, she pushed herself up on an elbow. With her head in her hand,

she said in a softer tone, Hey...come on. Im sure youre getting worked up for nothing.

At that, Gabrielle sat up, straight-faced. No. This time its different, Franc. I really think Mamas

going to die. Shes been sick for a long time and shes not getting better. In fact shes getting

worse. There was a long pause. Remember what Father McGregor said last summer when

little Alice Cookley drowned? He said that God takes those he loves sooner.

Francine gave a slow nod and pushed herself up and sat, her eyes big and round in her small

face as Gabrielle continued, And for Petes sake, Franc, God must love Mama at least twice as

much as she loves Him, because shes so pious and she never sins.

This seemed to puncture Frans stubborn resolve. Fat tears began to rain down her face.

Gabrielle gripped her shoulders, Mamas going to die and she knows it! she said in a squeaky

whisper. Thats why she sent me to the attic for the black dresses...

Their tears mingled as they fell into each others arms. Gabrielle could finally let the tears come

and share her desolation.

This wasnt the way it was supposed to be. They should be scampering in the woods, making

daisy chains, telling secrets and giving each other home perms, not getting ready for their

mothers death.

Instinctively the two girls pushed to their knees in the bed and began to recite Hail Marys and

Our Fathers, while fingering the medal of the Holy Face of Jes us that their mother had pinned

to their camisoles. Eventually they eased onto their haunches and for a long time they stayed

like this, holding each other, bathed in moonlight, praying and crying together.

Franc? Gabrielle asked tentatively after a while, Remember the time we ran away from

doing the dishes? Her nose was congested from crying and she sounded like she had a cold.


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Ha, yeah... Fran gave a sob-strangled laugh. We stayed away thinking Mama would assign

someone else to the job, only to discover the dirty dishes waiting for us when we got back at

sundown, hot and tired from hiding behind the hay stacks.

Gabrielle gave a sniffle and added in a shaky voice, Those dishes were so crusty it took me

twice as long to wash them!

For a long moment neither girl spoke. Suddenly Frans voice broke the silence.

Remember the time Mama played confession with all of us when Uncle Arthur came to

visit? she asked in a nasal whisper.

How could I forget?

Uncle Arthur, Mamas brother, who was as high-spirited and impish as she was, had decided to

play a trick on all of them. Mama was more than happy to oblige, and had agreed to play the

priest.

With the kitchen table skirted with a long sheet that reached the floor, Mama sat in a chair atop

it with the afghanher vestmentsaround her shoulders. The rag rug had been pulled from in

front of the sink and placed before the table, half of it neatly tucked under, hidden by the

sheet.

Each child in turn came in and stood on the rug to confess his or her sins while the others

waited in the parlour. As soon as Mama granted absolution, Uncle Arthurwho hadnt gone to

the outhouse as theyd been told but was, instead, hiding under the tableyanked the rugfrom under the unsuspecting childs feet, and she or he found themselves on their rump. The

prank was repeated until everyone had gone through, and Mama laughed gleefully every single

time.

Thats what Ill miss most about Mama, her laugh. You? Fran asked, swiping at the tears of

sorrow and laughter on her cheeks.

Yeah, me too. That, and the way she sang all the time. Gabrielles voice trailed off and fresh

tears filled her eyes. I miss her already, she thought, while quiet sobs shook her body. Fran held

her tight, and it wasnt long before Gabrielle felt Frans tears drenching the shoulder of hernightdress.

They clung to each other until their weeping subsided and they became calm again.

Gabrielle dried her face with a corner of the bed sheet. Franc?

Yeah?


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18 A Mothers Heart

Promise me something?

Anything, Francine repliedin a shaky hiccup. She tilted her face to meet Gabrielles eyes.

Promise me well always be best friends. That well always be there for each other no matter

what.

I promise, she said, knuckling her wet eyes.

Swear it on Auntie Emmas grave and all the saints.

I swear, cross my heart and hope to die. Fran traced a cross over her heart with her finger.

After a last hug, they blew their noses and made a plan for the next day. Francine would stay

home from school to help Gabrielle do the inside chores and work on the dresses. The sooner

they had their umbrella ready, the sooner they could prevent the storm from coming.


24/70

CHAPTER 2

The sun was bright on this mild February Saturday, and it smelled like spring. The little ones

were playing outside, the older boys and Lorie had gone into town with Papa. It was barely two

oclock and the chores were donewell, except for the hemming. The black dresses were

posing a bit of a challenge and Gabrielle and Fran had to see Rose for pointers.

Gabrielle wiped the cookie crumbs off the table, rinsed the dishcloth and wrung it out. Drying

her hands on her apron, she entered her mothers room. What she saw made her happier than

discovering presents under the tree on Christmas morning.

Mama was smiling.

She hurried to the bedside, pulled the straight-back chair close to the bed.

Whats brought on that beautiful smile, Mama? she asked gently, leaning in to kiss her.

Ohwatching the little ones playing in the snowthinking about all the times I gave you kids

rides in the snow scoop. She shook her head lightly, a dreamy look in her eyes. The games we

played she breathed.

Her voice was barely audible, but it was so good to see a smidgen of the old spark in her eyes.

I remember, Gabrielle said, covering her mothers handsthey were seldom without her

rosary, We had a lot of fun, didnt we? She said, bringing the frail hands to her cheek. She sat

reminiscing with her for a few minutes. She tired so easily. Even a short visit left her breathless.

A light sheen of perspiration glistened on her forehead. Gabrielle smoothed back a damp curl,

wrung out the facecloth from the basin and patted Mamas face.

Cool. Tfeels good, Mama whispered and smiled weakly. Gabrielle rinsed the cloth and wrung

it out, but when she turned to bring it to her mothers face again, Mama stayed her hand.

Water, she croaked.


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20 A Mothers Heart

Gabrielle put the cloth back. She brought the glass of water from the bedside table to her

mothers lips and lifted her head so she could take a sip. Mama managed a few drops then

winced away from the glass. Gabrielle helped her lay back.

Lets put some lip balm on your lips. They look awfully dry, she said with the smile she was

getting used to pasting on to belie the worry she felt at seeing her mother in so much pain.

It was time for more Laudanum.

Afterward, with a practiced hand, Gabrielle felt beneath the bedclothes. Finding them damp

and bunched up, she said, Ill go get Fran and well change these sheets for you, Mama. You

rest while we get everything readyby the time we get back the medicine will have kicked in.

A few minutes later Francine came in behind Gabrielle, carrying an armload of linens. Here we

are, fresh from the clothesline and warmed beside the stove. She dropped the sheets and

towels on the chair and bent down to kiss her mother.

Well have you refreshed and comfortable in no time, Mama, Fran chirped. To Gabrielle she

said, Ive got this side, Gabrielle. She removed the coverlet and the top sheet from the bed,

and tucked a pillow behind Mamas back, securing it to give her support and help roll her onto

her side.

On the opposite side of the bed, Gabrielle peeled the bottom sheet from under the mattress

and folded it over, close to Mamas body, tucked it gently under and met her eye, Ready?

When Mama nodded, Gabrielle cradled her in her arms. Okay, lean on me.

On the count of three, Fran carefully rolled Mama onto her side, covered her with a fresh sheet

and eased the bottom one from under her. Mama, did you know that the little mare, B iscuit is

in foal? The vet came today and confirmed it, Fran announced as she worked. They spread the

fresh linen out and in one smooth movement had Mama back onto the clean sheet, fastening it

on the other side while removing the soiled one.

Oh. Brandy mustve gotto her, Mama put in haltingly. She swallowed with difficulty and

continued, Joe told Lorie toput him in a different paddock.

She did. But during the storm on New Years, the animals were sheltered in the barn and there

was chaos the next day, getting them out again, Fran explained.

JT probablyforgot toseparate them, Mama whispered and smiled knowingly.


26/70


She stared absently out the window for a second, and then asked, her voice hoarse, When

they come back in, havehave the little ones put their mittens by the stove to dry. Theyll need

themfor school tomorrow.

Francine looked up perplexed. Mama? Tomorrows Sunday She shot Gabrielle a questioning

look.

Its the Laudanum, Gabrielle whispered to her.

Oh, she mouthed.

Sundayalready Mama murmured and fingered her rosary.

After the fresh sheets were pulled taut and a clean comforter smoothed over top, Gabrielle

went to the kitchen stove to get a basin of warm water, and Francine left with the load of soiled

linens.

Gabrielle returned to wash her Mamas face and hands. She wiped slowly and softly over the

translucent skin. She was about to slip Mamas wedding ring back on, but Mama stopped her

and closed Gabrielles fingers around the plain gold band shed worn since her wedding day.

I want you to have it, Gabrielle.

But Mama Gabrielle breathed.

Her mother squeezed Gabrielles fingers and blinked her affirmation.

Gabrielle swallowed, nodded, and slipped the ring onto the chain with the cross pendant she

wore around her neck, trying not to think of the significance of what had just happened.

She carried on with the sponge bath, making sure to cover Mama with thick towels as she

moved from top to bottom. Then she mixed a drop of rubbing alcohol into a little fragrant utter

creamMama swore it was the best moisturizer there was. She gently rolled Mama sideways

with a pillow cradling her front and another between her knees, then began to massage her

back.

Whatre you makingfor supper, ma poulette? There should be enough beef leftover to make

hashi.

Yes, dont worry yourself, Mama. Theres plenty left for hashi, and Fran and I already have the

vegetables ready to go in it. Put your head down and let me massage your back, while I sing A

la claire fontainefor you, she ordered mildly.


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22 A Mothers Heart

Her mother loved the folk song. She used to sing it often as she worked, and the children had

picked it up in no timeeven the two small boys knew most of the refrain. Gabrielle sang

softly, the misery of the moment forgotten while she relaxed Mamas knotted muscles with

warm palms and nimble fingers. When she was satisfied, she slipped a clean nightdress

carefully over each armshed altered three of them to fit like hospital gownsand tied theribbons at the back.

There. Thatll feel better. She smoothed the nightgown over Mamas legs and pulled up the

covers. Next, she began to brush her mothers hair. Only a few months ago it had been thick

and silky. , it was thinning and brittle and a lot of it fell out with every gentle stroke of the

brush.

Gabrielle swallowed her tears as she settled Mama against the fresh fluffy pillows that Fran had

just brought in, on her way to see to the two boys whod woken from their nap.

Gabrielle Massaged Mamas feet, working her magic and restoring circulation. Afterward she

pulled warm chausetteson each foot, tugged the comforter up to Mamas chin before giving

her a good measure of brandy.

There, youre all warm and cozy, she said, clearing her throat to cover the tremor in her voice,

and smiled at her mother. Bending over the frail form nestled in the bed, Gabrielle couldnt

help thinking how unrecognizable her mother had become. The life was slowly seeping out of

her, and there was nothing she could do. There was nothing any one of them could do. She

kissed her mothers forehead and left her to rest.

A week later, in the half-light of dusk, Anna lay quietly in her room. She could hear the after

supper bustling-about, even though it had been toned down for her benefit. She smiled to

herselfthis used to be her time with her children. For a few minutes after supper, as they

tidied the kitchen, they indulged in playful banter, teasing and horseplay. How many times had

she herself been the instigator? Of all the family activities they did together, this time had

always been her favourite. The end of the day when they were all gathered around her...

The door opened, admitting Gabrielle into the twilight of the room. Anna came out of her

reverie and watched her daughter light the lamp. She summoned Gabrielle to her side and eyed

her with a heart full of tenderness. Gabrielle was so dear to her.

Her gaze fell on the porcelain figure of her patron saint, which Gabrielle had taken the time to

repair, and tears of love blurred her eyes. When Gabrielle had surprised her with it, shed been

so touched that shed asked to have it hung on the wall beside her bed.


28/70


We hemmed and pressed the last two dresses today, Mama, Gabrielle volunteered.

With a wan smile, Anna nodded her approval, then gathering her strength, she asked, Is

everyone in from doing the chores? She laboured to breathe and her throat felt like shed had

sandpaper stew. She ran her tongue over her dry lips and closed her eyes briefly.

Yes, Mama, Gabrielle answered, the words catching in her throat. Um, the little ones would

like to look in on you if thats okay? Theyve been very good and finished their lessons. Theyve

even cleaned their hands and face.

The poor child was rambling on. Anna knew Gabrielle felt compelled to report the young ones

good behaviour, if for no other reason than to fill the ominous silence, but the child also figured

it might cheer her mama up. The children had indeed been at their best lately as children often

are when they feel tension in the air. Sadly, despite Gabrielle and Frans bes t efforts to keep a

semblance of normalcy, Anna could tell the young ones sensed the sombre mood around the

house.

Mama nodded her acquiescence to Gabrielles question, and then she said something that

made the blood drain from Gabrielles face. Ma poulette, could you send Luc up the lane to tell

Rose and Mary to come?

Gabrielle blinked then nodded, and went out of the room. She didnt have to be told that

something was wrong. Mama would never ask the older girls to come at this time of nightthe

time when their babies were being put to bedeven though they were literally only a hop, a

skip and a jump away.

Gabrielle returned a moment later, with Danielle following behind her, holding Donald, and

Sonya, Maggie and George slowly bringing up the tail. Their faces freshly washed, their hands

clasped together, they stood in their nightshirts and the mismatched socks that kept their feet

warm on cold winter nights. Their eyes flitted back and forth between their mother and the

floor. Braver than his siblings, George smiled sheepishly from between Sonya and Maggie. The

girls had obviously combed his hairit was stuck to his forehead and trickles of water ran down

to his temples.

Came to kiss you goodnight, Mama, he said, a finger toying with his lip.

Anna smiled and held out a hand. He scooted over, kissed her quickly and scooted back. What a

little imp that one is. Her eyes travelled over each of her children, the beauty of their faces

pushing away the pain and the sorrow.

It wouldnt be long, she was going to have to entrust her babies to Gods care, she thought, as

they came one after the other to kiss her cheek. Danielle her gentle lamb, Maggie, a little slow


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24 A Mothers Heart

but so eager to please, Sonya, delicate and demure, and Donaldher babyher golden boy

who would never know his mother.

He squirmed in Gabrielles arms as she carried him to the bed, twisted toward Anna.

Mama...kisses. Anna opened her arms and the toddler kissed her noisily on the mouth, curled

up and lay his head down beside hers on the pillow. He put his chubby hand lightly on her

cheek. Mama sleep, he said.

She cupped a hand over his curly blond head. My children, my gifts from heaven. Oh, how I will

miss you, miss everything. Your joys and your sorrows. Your successes and your struggles.

Lord, I know each of them will touch this world in his or her own way. I ask that you walk with

them. Protect them along their lifes journey.

Fran entered the room, Ross and Lorie behind her. Theyd finished the outside chores and just

washed up, bringing with them the pleasant smell of animals, hay and soap. The other childrenparted to give them space at her side. Gabrielle scooped Donald into her arms. He was sawing

logs already, his thumb in his mouth. Anna watched Gabrielle leave with Sonya in tow, to put

the little ones to bed.

Ross bent his stocky form and brushed her forehead with a gentle kiss. Anna smiled at him as

he lifted away. Ross is such a good soul. His spunk will surely sustain his brothers and sisters. He

has a love of life that has never failed to delight me. Even, through his tears, I can see it. I pray

he never loses that.

She looked past Ross to where Lorie was pressed against the wall. Her face was devoid ofemotion, but her Bible was clutched to her chest in white-knuckled hands. Lord, because of her

introverted personality, my Lorie trusts only You for her solace, guidance and salvation. Protect

her. Set her on a course to serve you in a way that will suit her.

As soon as Gabrielle and Sonya returned, Gabrielle found her way to Frans side, and the two

linked hands.Ah, the twins. Anna smiled to herself.

Lord, you know my Fran is opinionated! Nevertheless, shes carefree, filled with the same spunk

as Ross. Keep her strong, and guide her always. She will be good for Gabrielle.

Little Gabrielle. She would take care of the whole world if she could. Lord, I know you will see

that she has a happy life. Surely, shell inspire everyone she meets, with her kindness and her

sunny disposition.


30/70


As Anna looked over her family, a great calm filled her. Weightless, her mind clear, her pain

vanished. Time stood still. that her mind and her body were at peace, she could hear the

muted sounds of the men talking in the kitchen. It was almost time...

Luc, JT, Joe. She sighed. Lord, let them hear me and come, so that I may say goodbye.

As though her thoughts had summoned him, Luc stuck his head in the door. At her smile, he

entered, followed closely by Joe. The children shuffled to the side, allowing them to step to the

head of the bed.

She enquired with her eyes about JT. Joe shook his head. JT wouldnt leave the kitchen. He

couldnt bring himself to face what was happening. Tell him I love him, Anna pleaded with her

eyes. When Joe nodded, her thoughts shifted to Lionel, still in Ontario. She sent him a silent

goodbye.

Lord, protect and keep Lionel and JT. I can see so much pain ahead of them. I wish I could fightoff their demons and prevent their suffering. Please bless them and let them know how much I

love them.

She looked up into Lucs eyes, The girls?

Theyre on their way.

She gave him a small but loving smile. Luc would be this familys anchorthe invisible mesh

that would hold the family together in a way that she knew Joe never could. Dear Lord, thank

you for all the blessings you have given me in Luc and the man hes become. Im so proud ofhim. Walk with him always. Luc touched his mothers shoulder, then stepped back to give his

parents a moment.

Her gaze travelled to Joe. He was a man rigid in his convictions, unchangeable. Hardened by life,

he had been, and always would be, difficult to understand. There was goodness in him though.

It was to that goodness that she appealed now, as she looked lovingly at her husband of almost

twenty-five years. Take... care... of our family, she whispered, breathless.

She could see the pain in his wet eyes as he swallowed hard and took her hand between his

callused ones. This is so hard for him. She could feel him rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his bent head. All of a sudden, she felt his whole

body convulse with silent sobs. She cradled his head with her free hand. Oh, merciful God, help

Joe through his grief. Help him find the patience and the strength for the hard times ahead.

And now, sweet Jesus, into your hands I deliver my life and my soul, amen. She let her hands

slowly slip back down to the coverlet.


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26 A Mothers Heart

Just then, Rose and Mary came through the door. Without taking off their coats and hats, they

rushed to the bed. Mama? they whispered in unison, each reaching for one of her hands.

Anna smiled gently. Lord, bless them and walk with them always. She released their hands and

felt for her rosary on the coverlet.

Gabrielle rushed to her mothers bedside, elbowing past Mary and Rose. Can I do something

for you, Mama? she breathed, smoothing back the hair from Mamas waxen cheek. She

needed to touch her, to hear her. To be doing something for her. Do you want a little water?

Anna shook her head slowly, looked at her little nurse tenderly, closed her eyes and drew her

last breath.

The lamplight flickered and the house grew completely still.

Gabrielle froze. But, Mama, wwe had our umbrellas ready...

Her gaze shifted to Fran. We did, didnt we, Franc? This cant she stammered, cutting her

sister a panicked glance ofstunned disbelief. She wanted her sister to tell her it wasnt true.

Fran came on silent feet to rest a hand on Gabrielles shoulder.

Gabrielle bent over her mothers still form. Mama? Mama? she cried. Tears poured out of her

eyes, blinding her. Mama...

Shes gone, Gabrielle, Fran said gently and gathered her sister to her.

Gabrielle let Fran cradle her head against her shoulder and held on. She let the pain wrack herbody, as her sister sat with her in the straight-backed chair and rocked her, enfolding her grief,

absorbing it to meld with her own.

The family stood where they were, crying softly. The children wide-eyed, Papa, Luc and JT

struck dumb, their hands stuffed in their pockets.

When Gabrielles tears subsided, she sucked in a ragged breath, wiped her face on her sleeve

and stood to look at her mother. Oh, Mama...whatever are we going to do without you? She

bent to kiss her mamas cheek. At least your suffering is over. Youre with the angels now, she

murmured, lovingly touching her mothers face. It was white and peaceful looking. Like thepicture cards of the saints that Miss Gervais had at school.

The next few days went by in a blur. Neighbours showed up at odd times with casseroles,

breads, cakes and squares. Papa hung a closed sign on the door to the general store. The


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stockman was given a week off, and people shed never seen before kept traipsing in and out of

their house. The routine theyd always known was practically non-existent, and the whole

household was in upheaval. Gabrielle was on autopilot. She did what needed to be done,

navigating the best she could, as though through a thick fog.

After the funeral and gravesite ceremony, friends and relatives gathered at the house.

Somehow she helped set out the food buffet-style on the large kitchen table. She moved as if

submerged in wet cement. It took amazing effort, but she managed to fetch and carry, pour

and serve. Meanwhile she let her mind wander to the comforting memories of better times.

She remembered when Papa had surprised the family with this very table. Papa was a good

carpenter. Hed made the table and the two matching benches and chairs from the big oak tree

the town had cut down on the old property. It was a long time ago Donald wasnt even born

then. After Mama had wiped it clean, theyd had roast pork with brown potatoes, and beans

and carrots from the garden for supper. Apple pie for dessert. Mama baked the best pies...

Fran tapped her on the shoulder, I need more plates. They want to set the desserts out in the

living room.

Gabrielle snapped back to the harshness of the present. What? Oh. Hang on. She reached

into the cupboard for dessert plates. Dividing the stack in half, she went in with Fran to set

them out on a tray.

People dressed in black swirled around her, like in a dark delirium. Meanwhile, George and

Donald chased each other on all fours around the room. Someone had let one of the dogs in.

Surely this meal, the talking, the laughtersurely it was all a nightmare? If it wasnt...Gabrielle

brought her hands up to rub at her face.

Surely, life wouldnt go on as it had before? Not without Mama? It seemed unbelievable that

the world hadnt stopped, even for a fleeting moment, to acknowledge Mamas passing. Why

could no one else see that the entire world had shattered and would never be mended again?

The familiar outlines of her life were fading away, but everyone was acting as though this was

just another family get-together. Especially the grownups. Couldnt they see that nothing was

ever going to be okay again?

They were all acting normal. Just because the funeral was over didnt mean that everyone

should simply forget. She didnt understand. Her heart ached with a hollow, a void that seemed

to grow bigger every day. It was swallowing her from the inside out. Didnt they feel it too?

Gabrielle went around the room picking up dirty plates, oblivious to her surroundings. She was

trying to make sense of something that made no sense.


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28 A Mothers Heart

When you fell and scraped your knee, grownups picked you up and told you, Its nothing. Well

put a Band-Aid on it and youll be fine. But it hurt. They didnt want you to cry, so you had to

get up, dust yourself off and keep going.

Maybe they believed the funeral was like a Band-Aid. That now, they just had to dry their tears

and move on. Somehow, that didnt seem right. She, for one, wasnt going to go along with it.

She was nevergoing to forget Mama.

She came and went, serving and cleaning, glad enough of the distraction from her grief

perhaps she shouldnt judge everyone so harshly. Still.

She stood at the sink washing dishes, when one of the aunts gently took the glass shed just

washed, set it down on the draining board and plucked the tea towel off her shoulder. Here,

Ill do that, Gabrielle.

Someone else pressed her into a chair and handed her a plate of food. Go on sweetie, youneed nourishmentyoure pale as a ghost. And youre asleep on your feet, poor thing.

They were right. She hadnt slept the night before, and shed been up for well over twelve

hours by then. She was in a sleep-deprived, grief-stricken haze.

Gabrielle accepted the plate and walked out onto the porch. She needed air, space. She sat on

the steps and nibbled on a piece of bread. She only managed a few bites. Nothing could get

past the stone growing in her throat today.

It had turned out to be a surprisingly warm afternoon. It struck her that she hadnt noticedearlier, so numbed with grief was she. In fact, the clouds that had threatened all day had finally

dissipated.

The mourners had brought black umbrellas to the cemetery and, collapsed, theyd hung like

sleeping bats from the crook of their arms. Grandma had been right after all. The umbrellas

hadnt been needed. Too bad hers and Fransthe black dresseshadnt worked the same

magic. If they had...if they had, then...

She was suffocating again. She took in great breaths of air, trying to quell the panic rising inside

her, silence the humming in her headthe humming of the funeral lamp that had stood besideMamas coffin. However, as she sat there, the humming, the voices from inside the house, the

noise, the laughter, still reached her, overwhelming her senses. Suddenly she couldnt stand

any more. She set the plate down, removed her apron and made for the hayfield.


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She began to run. She ran through the slush and snow like the thirteen-year-old child she was,

looking up at the sky and screaming inside her head, Mama! Mama, where are you? Come and

get me. Take me with you, Mama...please!

The treetops flashed past faster and faster. The tears streaming down her cheeks, windswept

from her running, chilled her face. I dont want to go on without you, Mama. I cant do it. I just

cant...

She ran past the outbuildings and the neighbours cornfield. She tore along the row, her braids

flying behind her. Up the road she flew, toward the old farm until, stumbling over a rock, she

pitched forward and landed on her hands and knees. Her hair tumbled across her face, undone,

one ribbon gone, the other in the mud by her hands. She didnt care.

She staggered to her feet, wiped her muddy hands on the tattered black dress and shoved her

hair out of her eyes. Like a hunted animal, she resumed her mad flight. She didnt care that her

shoes were caked with mud, that her wool stockings were drenched. She wanted to run from

the pain, from the condolences, from the desolation she felt. She wanted to run forever. Her

lungs burned, and the muscles in her legs began to cramp, but she kept on going. Perhaps if she

ran long enough shed step back in time and none of this would be happening.

Gabrielle! Gabrielle?

She thought she heard her name echoing on the breeze. She looked up, and through the haze

of her shellshock came a silhouette, opaque against the sun slipping behind the horizon.

Mama? Mama! You came for me!

She tried to get up, but her legs failed her and she fell back against the old elm tree, shivering . I

must look a fright, she thought. Oh my, thatll never do. She plucked a leaf off the front of her

wool sweater. Her dress was soaked through. Oh dear. Her hair was a mess, her stockings torn

and her knees bleeding. Im sorry, Mama.

The next thing she knew, Ross was pulling her to her feet. He covered her with his coat, put his

arm firmly around her shoulders and turned her toward home.

Its going to be alright, Gabrielle. Really. It will.


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CHAPTER 3

Time has a way of moving on. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. It was six

full months before Gabrielle could bring herself to go through her mothers things.

She and Fran decided with grim determination that it was time to sort and organize the last of

their mothers clothes into boxes, which Rose would collect later that day to donate to the

church. The Dames de Sainte-Anne, an organization of women affiliated with the church, would

distribute them to needy families.

It was Saturday, so everyone was out and about, and the house was quiet. The two sisters

worked silently, each lost in her own memories, when suddenly Gabrielle blurted out, You

know when Ross brought me back in from the field the day of the funeral? After the shot Dr.

Letendre gave me and Id rested, I came back downstairs. When I saw what they had donetheaunts, I meanI was so angry. I wanted to storm in and say, Get out! Leave her slippers and

wrap where she had them! And put back the water glass, prayer missal and medicine spoon on

her night table. I wished theyd have left alone the last things Mama touched.

Fran dropped the shawl she was folding, crossed the room to sit beside her sister, and draped

an arm around her.

Gabrielles shoulders drooped. But they She closed her eyes, swallowed, But they moved it

all. Her voice became quiet as trickling water, They even stripped her bed. That was m-my

job. Her chin quivered and tears spilled out. She tried to stay in control, but her voice came outhollow and shaky, And I didnt realize it at the time, but when they came in with their cake

pans, their casseroles and their roasters, they pushed things aside to put out food, and moved

the kettle from the front of the stove where Mama always kept it. It justit wasnt right... She

wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

They meant well, Gabrielle. You know that, dont you?


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I know they m-meant well, but they shouldnt have done that, Gabrielle answered. They

shouldve waited. She took the tissue that Fran held out to her and blew her nose.

Staring at the sunlight on the windowsill and battling tears, the two shared their grief. It was so

hard still, for all of them, adjusting to Mama being gone. It had been a painful end to a short life

and a huge loss. She had given them so much love, so much wisdom and, through her great

sense of humour, she had set a great example for them on how to live their life to the fullest.

Her death had left a large void and, even though months had gone by, Gabrielle couldnt

imagine what theyd do without her.

In the following year, the flow of life resumed with the business of everyday things giving a

semblance of normality. The children grew. Donald had almost caught up to George in size.

George would be starting school in the fall. Although most children didnt start until the age of

five or six, George, whod be almost four and a half by then, was so advanced largely due to

Gabrielles tutelagethat the school board had assured Gabrielle theyd bend the rule.

Gabrielle tended the house and the store, and tried to teach Donald his letters. Unfortunately,

he wasnt as willing a student as his brother.

It was Monday, washday. Gabrielle loaded the gas-powered washing machine with the whites,

filled it with water from the pump at the kitchen sink, then added soap powder and bleach. She

pressed the pedal and started the machine. While the agitator did its job, she went out to peg

the previous load on the clothesline.

The day was hot and windy. After pegging the clothes, she rammed the stopper into the

clothesline pulley wheel, and decided to go check the mailbox at the end of the lane.

To her surprise, one of the letters was addressed to her. It was from Lionel. With a tickle of

curiosity, she tore open the envelope, unfolded the paper with a snap. Her bottom lip between

her teeth, Gabrielle read his untidy scrawl.

Dear Gabrielle,

How are things in Asbestos? I hope this letter finds you wellthough up to your eyeballs in work

Im sure! I wont pretend to careabout whats going on over there, with the old man and all, but

I do miss everyone.

Were doing okay. Im working at the Kerr-Addison mine and renting a house in the town of

Larder Lake. Look, Ill just get to the point. I want to ask you to come and staywith us. The truth

is, Susans expecting and nearing her time. It would be good for her to have another woman

around, and wed really appreciate your help with the baby. We have a spare bedroom and I


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32 A Mothers Heart

think youd like it here. You could meet new people, people your own age to go out with. Think

about it and let me know.

Sincerely,

Your brother, Lionel.

This was certainly something to consider. She pocketed the letter and kept on walking. As she

passed their elm tree on the old property, many possibilities ran through her head. The

prospect of escaping her fathers arbitrary control, along with the responsibilities thrust upon

her, was very tempting. She had put in an application to work at the overalls factory in town

hoping to rent a room like Lucbut hadnt heard back yet. It didnt take much deliberation to

come to a decision.

So, with a spring in her step that hadnt been there for a very long time, Gabrielle took the long

way home, convincing herself that the world wouldnt end if she were to leave. After all, the

young ones were growing up and Danielle and Sonya were very capable in the house. Fran was

over thirteen and was already second in command. Shed be able to take charge easily.

Gabrielle walked on, lost in her thoughts, keeping to the road instead of crossing the hayfield.

It irked her that everyone seemed to have their life foreordained, while she just seemed to drift

from day to day, taking Papas orders, doing what needed to be done. What about her? Shed

already had to give up her dream of entering the convent. Itd be a relief to succumb to the

appealing live-by-rote routine after having had to grow up so fast. But with Audrey alreadythere, and Danielle entering in the fall to continue her studies, it seemed no longer her destiny.

Besides, with Mama gone, Papa would never agree to spend the money for her education. She

was much too practical at home.

While Luc still helped oversee things here, giving a hand with the haying and checking on things

when he came for Sunday dinner, hed moved to an apartment in Asbestos, worked at the mine

and pursued his own interests in town. She walked on, skirting the outbuildings used for

storage along the property line. Everyone had their plans. Even Papas life had taken an

unexpected turn.

One Saturday morning not long ago, Mrs. James was persuaded to accompany her first

husbands children to the Gregory General Store. Being young adults, they were trying a bit of

matchmaking. Since the passing of their father, they were trying to get their lazy, meddling and

wayward stepmother out from underfoot. It seemed their efforts hadnt been in vain.


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Quite delighted, shed walked into the store, double-chinned and bosomy, with her skirts

swaying, batting her eyelashes. Pa Joe acknowledged the introductions with his usual curt nod,

and then stood behind the counter with his arms crossed. When Mrs. James started to flirt,

using suggestive language and blinking at triple speed, Pa Joes eyebrows lifted and a corner of

his mouth curved. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, surveying the scene.

Evidently, she had captured his attention, Gabrielle chuckled, remembering the performance

shed witnessed from the other side of the screen door that Saturday morning.

After that day, Mrs. James often made the half-hour trip from St-Fortuna to buy provisions

from the store. It wasnt long before she went as far as extending a most cordialinvitation

from herselfandher brother Ambrose, of coursewould Joe join them for dinner and a round

of cards on Saturday night.

Hedbeen going over every Saturday night since. It didnt take a genius to figure out what was

going on, there! Who wouldve thought?

With a decisive nod, Gabrielle bounded up the porch steps, more alive than shed felt in years.

With renewed energy, she finished her load of washing, put it through the wringer then back

into the machine for a rinse, and through the wringer again. This final load ready for the

clothesline, she drained the washing-machine basin. Flipping the tap at the bottom, she let the

dirty water run out into a bucket, which she emptied out onto the grass, and repeated the

sequence many times. This done, she stepped out to gather the dry clothes, and peg the last

load.

Only after having peeled the potatoes for supper did she seek out her sistershe wanted to

hug her decision to herself for a while, and savour the sense of freedom it gave her.

Fran was upstairs, putting laundry away in a chest of drawers.

Franc, I have something to show you, Gabrielle called, taking the stairs two at a time.

Busily stacking socks and undershirts, Fran calmly glanced at Gabrielle over her shoulder. She

took the time to arrange the clothes in the drawer before answering.

It seemed to Gabrielle that Fran was the more grownup one these days. Shed begun todevelopvisibly surpassing Gabrielleand to attract the attention of one Paul Charles. Paul

delivered the newspapers to the store a couple times a week, and Fran had had a crush on him

for months.

Come on, Franc! Leave that for a minute, look!

Take it easy, girl, youre going to hyperventilate! Whats up? Fran enquired on a laugh.


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34 A Mothers Heart

Ive got a letter from Lionel. Susans expecting and wants me to help when the baby comes.

They want me to come to Ontario and live with them! Gabrielle announced, full of enthusiasm.

They have a room for me and everything, read! She thrust the letter at her sister, and

bounced on her toes while Fran scanned Lionels chicken scratch.

Wo

a mother's heart excerpt

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