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FAMILY BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT PROGRAMME

Social Work Department

NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2017

“Facing a new year - Does it ever get easier?”

This was the first meeting of 2017

and we had a large and varied

group. Some parents were

attending for the first time, some

had been bereaved a few short

months and others up to 10 years.

Some children had died when they

were only weeks old while others

had lived well into their primary

school years. Some had died

suddenly and unexpectedly, while

for others the death was anticipated.

One parent had been

living in another

country when their

child died and had

since migrated to

Australia. Regardless

of these diverse

stories everyone in the group was

living with the grief of having had a

precious child die and everyone

could understand and relate to all

the stories and experiences. As

parents introduced us to themselves

and their child we heard about

beautiful smiles, big eyes and happy

times. One parent said she still

believed her child was the cutest

baby on the ward. The love parents

had for their children shone through

in their stories. Children

with challenges and

difficult times were still

bright and happy much

of their lives – “He

loved music and had

a great big smile”.

Welcome to the February newsletter of the Family Bereavement

Support Programme. We hope that in reading the newsletters and being

a part of the groups you will find connection with other parents, support

and encouragement to help sustain you as you grieve for your child.

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A parent coming to the group for

the first time, several years after

her child died said: “This is the

first time I can speak out and

there is no judgement”.

While the topic for this group was

about living with grief and

wondering if things ever get easier,

the conversation covered a number

of themes which did not directly

relate to this topic. What we

learned was that, regardless of how

long it has been, grief is still there

and can arise for unexpected

reasons. A parent commented on

finding it hard seeing new faces in

the group, more people going

through what she had been through

- “Every time I come I see new

faces. It’s really hard, there are

people going through what we

went through. It is not fair”.

One parent came to the group with

a teddy bear. When asked about

this she told us the bear has a

heartbeat and if you hold it against

you, you can feel the beating heart.

The bear is also dressed in her baby

son’s clothes. She

said she finds this

comforting and has

bought one for her

other son and for

her father. She

says her father

sometimes calls

her and pretends the bear is talking

to her as her son. Other parents

also had things they keep to bring

them comfort and remind them of

their child. “When I was pregnant

I bought this little rabbit and it

used to hold up his breathing

tube in ICU. It has never been

washed. I sleep with it. I bought

a rabbit for my husband with a

recording of our son saying

“dada”. In the middle of the

night you can hear it. It is

comforting”. This mother told us

she always has some of her child’s

clothes in her handbag. Another

parent told us her daughter had a

stripy bear which she loved. They

used to use it to motivate her –

“she would do anything for that

bear. I thought the bear needed

to go with her, but I kept it and

I’m glad I did”. She also had

another bear knitted by a family

member which she loved and used to

cuddle and sleep with. Both bears

now sit by her parents’ bed. One

parent talked about being comforted

by sitting in her child’s bedroom.

Everything is still there in the room but

things have been added as people

buy the child gifts. Her brother plays

in there as do other children. The

mother commented that other

children are respectful and nothing

has ever been damaged or broken.

Having lots of photos around the

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house also brings comfort and a

sense of the child being present.

A mother who has been bereaved

for some years told us: “I have

been going okay, until my other

son started school. He was my

lifeline and I’m struggling with

letting him go. He is all grown

up, he is growing up”. Not

everyone in the group had other

children but those who did talked

about how these children were a

‘lifeline’ or a distraction. Some

children had been born after their

sibling had died while others had

been born before. A parent said

“we have another child who is

our lifeline, our hope”. “My older

son is my hero”. “My other son

is my lifeline; 4 years I have

been struggling with this”. One

parent also talked about her other

child needing her more and that she

sometimes finds this hard as her

daughter doesn’t need her attention

any more – “My son is growing

and she’s not there needing me”.

Continuing to be a parent to all of

your children can feel quite difficult

as other children take up more of

your time. A parent who does not

have other children said “I go to

the cemetery and sit there every

single day. It is my job to look

after him”. She commented on

how other people ask her if she is

working now and

seem to expect that

she is doing other

things. She finds

that people really

do not understand

about grief and being a mother.

Another couple also said they go to

the cemetery every day. They said

they spent a lot of time caring for

their child while he was alive so it is

normal to still go and spend time

doing things for him now. They like

to make sure his space at the

cemetery is well cared for “we go

to the cemetery every day. We

have planted red and white rose

bushes and we water them. We

had friends come out the other

day. People gave us rose bushes

and we have 5 in our garden at

home now”. Other parents also

talked about having their child

buried and what they do or have at

home to remember their child. One

parent told us about choosing the

cemetery where her child would be

buried. Visiting on a Sunday to

make their selection they didn’t

realise how noisy it was during the

week. She said that they decided

this didn’t matter as he had been in

the intensive care unit and that is a

very noisy environment. Other

parents had chosen to cremate their

child. “We brought her home.

For us we couldn’t put her in the

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ashes spread in the water”. This

couple explained that the decision

to do this was not arrived at quickly,

they talked about it. They wanted

to find something that reflected her.

They did not want a shrine. For

them, this reflected the reality of

what had happened to their

daughter – “She belonged in

water, that’s where she was the

happiest. It’s my favourite

spot. I’m glad she’s there”.

One parent told us she placed the

ashes of her still born daughter in

the coffin with her son. They fitted

perfectly between his legs as if he

was making room for her – “I was

saying goodbye to both of them”.

This topic had created a lot of

discussion with different people

feeling that different things were

appropriate for them and their child.

One parent was struggling to know

if she had made the right decision

in burying her child and not having

him cremated so he could be at

home with her. She has even

considered having his body

exhumed so she could cremate him.

She reflected however that when

their much loved family dog had

died they did have him cremated

and have his ashes at home, but “it

doesn’t feel like her. I talk to

her, but it doesn’t feel like she

is there. I worry that this would

be the same for my child”.

ground and

walk away.

We wanted

her wherever

we are. We

sit at our

kitchen table

and we can

see her. She is part of our

celebrations”. “We have her in

an urn in our garden. Japanese

maples are near her and they turn

red which is very appropriate as

she had red hair”. A mother told

us that her husband wants to scatter

their child’s ashes – “My husband

wants to spread her ashes,

instead of keeping them in a

box. If I do scatter them, I’m

not sure if I can have that final

goodbye”. She spoke of all the

goodbye’s she felt she had already

endured and this final goodbye

would be too hard. Another couple

told us that they had scattered their

child’s ashes in a place that felt

right, in water at the mother’s

favourite place in all the world. For

this couple it was the right thing to

do for their daughter – “Once she

died she left. She is with me.

Her body was the envelope, not

her, we didn’t want to keep it.

We scattered her in the water.

We put her ashes in a papier

mâché boat and as the water

soaked the boat it sank and her

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Several parents spoke of how, at

times they have an almost

overwhelming wish to see their

child one more time and the

thought that they are just under

the ground in the cemetery is

very difficult. This also can bring

distress as parents worry about

their child being alone in the dark

and the cold - “I can’t see him

or touch him. We have fairy

lights on his grave and he

lights up at night. He is a

baby”. Even when your child has

died parents retain their strong

parenting instincts and want their

child to be warm and safe. It is

very clear that cremation or burial

and deciding what to do with the

ashes are very individual

decisions with particular meanings

for each person and the key is to

know what feels right for you and

your child.

One of the parents in the group

said she had been watching

videos of her child – “Watching

videos helps me to reconnect.

I can’t seem to remember

what it is like. I have watched

the videos so many times, you

can get desensitised. You

don’t get new photos”. Other

parents agreed that, over time

you can feel like you are on the

outside looking in. You forget

details. One parent said, “I

forget what it was like to have

two children, what it was like to

have the two of them around

the house. I used to think I

should write things down, but I

didn’t, it made it too real. Now

I wish I had”. One parent told us

she took a video if her son giggling

on the day he died. She said “I

think I played it 100 times

when he died. It shows me I

made him happy”. The uncle of

one of the children found some

videos of the child that her mother

had not seen before and he sent

them to her. The mother told us how

very special it was to see something

new.

As we talked about the things that

remind parents of their children,

some parents began to share with

us their regrets – “I can’t

remember if I told him I loved

him before he died”. Other

parents talked about feeling guilty

about being angry with their child

before they died, or even being torn

between the needs of their living

child and their deceased child.

Regrets are difficult as nothing can

now be changed,

but we are all

human and do

not know what

the future holds.

C o n ve r s a t i o n

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continued with one parent asking

“Is it normal to keep them

part of your life?” All the

parents in the group have ways of

keeping their child part of their

lives. Many parents spoke of signs

they see of their child’s presence.

A parent told us of seeing

dragonflies and of the belief that

dragonflies represent the soul

reborn. Other parents also see

dragonflies at the graveside or in

their garden. A parent said, at the

cemetery “some tiny butterflies

and dragonflies flew past.

Seeing the dragonflies makes

us happy. Two little magpies

come near him as well”.

Another parent spoke of Willy

wagtails who seem to dance

around her child’s grave and how

cheeky they are and how they

seem to like to dance around, just

like he did. A parent saw tan bark

in an amazing heart shape when

she was participating in a walk.

She said to her daughter –

“Thank you sweetheart,

mummy needs this today”. She

said whenever she sees a sign of

a heart she takes a photo. There

were many examples of signs of

the children’s presence, some

looked for, some out of the blue.

“You try to find them in

everything”. “The little things

get you through the day”.

The topic for this group was the

question, ‘does it ever get better?’

Although the group did not directly

address this question, listening to the

conversation throughout the evening

from people all at different time

points along the journey it was

evident that things do change.

Memories may become less acute and

some of the detail may be lost, but

the memory of the child remains

strong. There are no new photos and

no new stories but there are new

things to do and ways to keep the

child present in the life of the family.

People vary in what feels right for

them – burial or cremation, scattering

the ashes or keeping them close.

There are regrets but you learn to be

gentler with yourself. There may be

other children who absorb your time,

grow up, remind you of your deceased

child or distract you from the

memories. You may feel you are

going along okay and get surprised

by a sudden memory, or a change in

your life that leaves you grieving

again and for a while you are back

there with the intense pain and grief

of loss, but eventually you pick

yourself up and go on with your grief,

with your child and with your life,

looking for and finding little signs that

your children are still there and will

still be there always.

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Straight from the Heart

Sweet Child

God made a sweet child a child who never grew old

He made a smile of sunshine He moulded a heart of pure gold.

He made that child as close to an angel

as anyone ever could be God made a Sweet Child

and He gave that dear child to me

Then God saw His wonderful creation growing very tired and weak

so He wrapped the child in His loving arms and said, “You my child I keep”

But now my Sweet Child is an angel

Free from hurt and pain I’ll love you forever, until we meet again

So many times I have missed you

So many times I have cried If all my love could have saved you

Sweet Child you never would have died.

author unknown http://funeralguide.co.za/condolence-poetry/child-loss-poems/

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Contributions such as responses and reflections on the groups’ themes, poems, letters, songs, quotations from parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters and friends, feedback about this newsletter are most welcome. Share your thoughts, experiences, questions with others who are bereaved. Please forward them to: Family Bereavement Support Programme Social Work Department Royal Children’s Hospital 50 Flemington Road PARKVILLE VIC 3052 Phone: 03 9345 6111 Or email: bereavement.services@rch.org.au

Our letter box is Waiting!

The next meeting of the Family Bereavement Support Evening Group will be held on:

Thursday 16th March

7:30 pm – 9:00 pm The RCH Foundation Board Room

Level 2, 48 Flemington Road Parkville, VIC 3052

Please join us to discuss the topic: “How private and public rituals can help mourning”

Please join us in March

The newsletter is always a team effort. Thank you to Helen Stewart for guiding the group discussion and for facilitating

and to Angela Richards for scribing parents’ statements. Also to the RCH Volunteers team & to Jenny Jelic for ensuring the Newsletter is formatted and distributed to interested people.

Social Work Department, RCH

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address.*